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Dear Guys,
So I’ve known this guy sincee middle school. In fact we dated in the eight grade. Well that was short lived but we remained friendly afterwards. In high school we didn’t have any classes together. But we talked when we passed one another and smiled. We kept things friendly. Well two years after high school while I’m in college, he contacted me via Facebook and admitted to me that he had liked me all that time but was fearful to ask me out. (I had secretly still liked him as well). So we started talking, and talking and talking. Skyping as well. We have been chatting for a few months now. Problem is, he lives eight hours away now. In conversation we may have gotten in a little too emotionally deep, sharing some very personal things. He started calling me “beautiful”, “babe”. Saying things like, “Oh, I cant wait to see you and be with you.” This is when I thought he was moving back here, where we grew up. But recently he admitted that he’s conflicted with whether to stay where he is or go. It all has to do with money and his schooling. He’s not sure where to go next. He wants to be with me, but like I said, money and finding a school and a new major is a problem. He’s not happy where he is, I at least know that much.
But because he’s suddenly unsure of where he’s going, our conversations have become a lot more friends rather than flirty. He still contacts me often to chat, share and see what I’m up to. But its gotten a lot more casual as opposed to our previously “serious about dating talk.”
Is he worth waiting for? He may or may not decide to come down to where I am. I feel like we really connect but as long as he’s at a distance, it will probably remain friendly. What do you think?… Should I stick with it, support him and wait for him to move back here?
Holly
Dear Holly,
Thanks for writing to us.
This is an interesting situation. Our first thought was, here’s a guy that doesn’t like being alone. Otherwise why would he open up to you when he thought he was going to move where you live, and then do an about face when it looked like that might not happen. It almost seemed like part of moving to a new town was having a girlfriend in place.
On the other hand it does sound like he’s had a thing for you for a long time. We like that he contacted you and finally told you how he felt. Sometimes it takes guys a long time to step up to the plate. Good for him.
After debating this for awhile we think you should keep in contact with him, but maybe at arm’s length. It’s a confusing and vulnerable time for him. He’s not happy where he is, but he’s not sure what to do about it. He needs to figure this stuff out by himself. Sure you can be a supportive friend, but we don’t think you should be the one who helps him work through this. That’s a recipe for getting left in the dust.
In general when a person is at a pivotal time in their life, that’s when they should be unencumbered by a new relationship. This gives them the freedom to make the best decision for themselves. And that’s what this guy should do; and maybe he intutively understands this. If he makes a decision that’s based on having a relationship with you, but that isn’t necessarily the best decision for his future, there’s potential for resentment, which isn’t the way to start a relationship. He’s got to make a decision about his life before the two of you can even discuss having a relationship.
So this is one of those “wait and see” scenarios Holly. We recommend you live your life, and let him live his. Talk to him if he calls you, but don’t get wrapped up in the minutia of his life. And please let him be the initiator. Once he’s feeling more settled and grounded, maybe then the two of you can start talking about being together. But once again, you’ll know whether or not he really wants to be with you if he pursues you.
We wish we could give a more definitive answer, but the nature of long distance relationships makes that difficult.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
ps. Be sure to let your friends know about us.
@Rose....We understand your frustration. What we can say is this guy doesn't represent all guys. He's a player. But there are a lot of good guys out there that have similar goals as you. So the question is: Is it that all guys are like this, or is it that there's something about this particular type of guy that is attractive to you? (We're just asking the question. It's always good to consider all possibilities.) Sure, all guys want sex, and frankly, you want a guy who wants to get in your pants. Sex is a very important piece of a healthy relationship. And if a guy is way into having sex with you, that can sometimes help him focus. But you also want a guy who loves you for your other great qualities. We think you have to get more acute at recognizing when a guy isn't serious. There are signs. The first one here was his erratic communication. And then his "odd" texts. Once he said: "I'll see what I can do" you should have never spoken to him again. That's rude and inconsiderate and shows who he really is. (Full of himself.) If you had moved on then we don't think this would have been as frustrating but instead you thought maybe I can play this game. We'd say, as soon as it starts leaning towards this game playing, forget it. If the guy is into you he should be initiating contact and asking you out on proper dates. Maybe the distance factored in to make this more difficult, but even still, we suggest you start trying to recognize the signs one way or another. If you're confused in the future, come back and ask us a question. In conclusion: Don't beat yourself up or get too down here. Try to see this as an opportunity to grow and gain a bit more insight so the next time you make a better choice. We all need to go through a bunch of players before we find the right person for us. Good luck and feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted on how you're doing. ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. @TGPBuzz
I went on one date with this guy I really liked, but he left me feeling very confused and I'm not sure how much he liked me. He ended up friending me on Facebook after our date and then texted me 3 days later. A little backstory: We met through work, but we live in different states, but went on a date when he came to my town. We hung out at work 2 times before the date. I felt like there was a connection and chemistry which I'm pretty sure he felt too. After the date, his text messages were strange. He would text something and then leave me hanging after I would reply to his message. He mentioned that he was coming back to my town for 2 weeks, and wanted to see me again. Except it didn't exactly play out like that. He said, I'll be coming there for 2 weeks. I said, sounds cool. Then we talked some more, he left me hanging on that text message, and then I said... it would be great to see you again and then he said... "I'll see what I can do." I then replied with.. Is that game play? Then he said define game play. I said, trying to get the girl to chase, lots of fun, can't wait to play that game. Then he replied with ha! So, then I waited two days to reply to that and he asked if we were game playing and I said, I think so. Then he said he would put a stop to it and wouldn't do that anymore. But guess what, he didn't text me again for an entire week and just left me some lame message that didn't even ask me how I was doing. I then ended up telling him that I didn't think he was as interested in me as I was in him and that I suspected he was trying to set me up as a booty call (by the way, we haven't had sex yet). Anyway, then he replied with this... I never thought this was going to be anything more than fun and casual. I told him basically that he was a liar and said we weren't compatible and said that at least he had to put on his "A-game." Then after all that, he said he is full of grey areas and agreed with me that we might not be compatible but he would really love to take me on! another date. Then said, see where I'm going with this? To which I replied with, no I don't. But it sounds better than what you said before. Then I told him that unfortunately at this time in my life I'm looking for someone who has the same goals that I do and that is to have a long-term relationship with someone. I can't even date someone who doesn't have the same goals I do. I said that if I'm still single and he is actually looking for the same goal I am, that we should date again then and get to know each other. Then he agreed with me and said I'm not going to argue with anything you said here. I am not in a place right now to be thinking long-term. Basically, we ended everything very respectfully. But why am I still missing him and so sad that things ended? I was really hoping he was a genuine guy who really liked me for me. I don't know if he liked me or not or if he was just not looking for anything serious? I'm so disappointed that another guy I really liked wasn't into me like I was him. Was he just being inconsiderate, realized he really did like me, and that's why he wanted to take me on another date? Or was he still thinking, man this chick still likes me and I bet I can get into her pants if I tricked her into thinking I like her? Did I scare him away bringing up long-term relationship stuff too soon? I just have this gut feeling that he wasn't as into me as I was him and that makes me so sad. Why did he fake interest on the date? Why do guys fake that they really want something serious with you when they really just want to get in your pants? It's really hard to understand and get over that!! I can understand if he never called again, but he did call and showed interest but his interest wasn't 100% on if you know what I mean... it was more like.. if I only show her half-interest than I don't have to be responsible for anything. But maybe I'm wrong. I'm so confused. I need a guy interpreter!!! thanks!!
@Adryana......We're closing shop for the evening. If you could give us some more details we might be able to shed some light on your situation. (In the morning though) Also, you should check out some of the other posts on long distance relationships, for which there are many. Go to Ask the Guys page and use search. Take care.
well i really like this guy but he says he doesnt like long distance relationship's.... what should i do??
@J9.....Nice to hear from you. We don't think he's saying he doesn't care about you, but the fact that he's not expounding and letting you into his more private thoughts does say something. We think it's fair to say that he cares about you, but that he's not sure if he feels a romantic connection to you. And when you suggest a visit you're also suggesting that you're interested in exploring this relationship, and that you're willing to work at it a bit to see what could happen. So he's at least saying he's not interested in working on it. Which of course suggests that he's very conflicted about how he feels about you romantically. So we don't think it's as extreme as you're suggesting, but we do think the two of you are on different pages when it comes to an actual relationship.
Thanks Guys! I'm currently a bit stumped. I'm still in communication with the same guy (we talk about once every week or two) and we talk about the usual day to day things: work, life, family,friends, what we did on the weekend, holiday plans, what we had for dinner (exciting, I know!), etc. To me those kind of conversations help keep things more realistic and less of a fabricated fantasy. We aren't in a relationship and have discussed the idea of doing long-distance, but neither of us are really up for it. I've been down that road before, and he has been upfront about his priorities being elsewhere right now with work and school.I know he is in a tough spot because he doesn't have the option to relocate until his certification is done, which will take another year and a half. We are from the same town, and he does make it back once every six months or so for holidays to visit family and friends, and we always spend time together when he is here, and it's always great. I put forward the idea of coming up north to visit him. Apart from it being expensive to fly there (we're in Canada), and that his work schedule doesn't really allow for him to take time off and he is often out of town, he expressed hesitancy about the possibility, stating that he didn't want either of us to get any wrong ideas about the possibility of an "us", and that it would be hard on us to act like a couple and build up hopes of a future when we both know full well that it can't happen right now and that we shouldn't put our lives on hold for something that isn't certain. I can't relocate from my job, and he doesn't know where he might end up when school is done. I'm wondering: is he being fair and honest by saying/thinking this, or does it mean that he doesn't care or want anything to do with me? Is he pointing out that me coming to visit solely for the purpose of being with him is too close to trying to be in a long-distance relationship, which we both agreed isn't best? Help (and thanks)!
@J9.....Glad we could be a comforting voice for you. Please keep us posted. And if you ever have a question, ask away. Take care.
I am finding myself in a similar situation. I have starting communicating with an old flame of mine, but he lives very far away from me, with no chance of relocating for at least the next year and a half. He is at that pivotal moment in his life where he needs to be there for his choice of career and to focus on finishing through with his plans and certification. He has always been upfront and honest and admitted that we shoudln't let other opportunities pass us by; who knows what may happen down the road but it's very difficult to sit on the sidelines waiting for something that is only a possibility. It isn't the easiest to realize, especially when you meet someone great and who you adore, but it is what it is. So I've taken to dating other guys and seeing what the present holds as opposed to focusing on the future. Thanks Guys - although your persective isn't new information to me, it certainly puts me at ease to know that my decisions to not sit and wait or pursue a relationship at this point in time with this person is a good one.
@Judie.....you're kidding me. Love that!
This sounds sooooo familiar to me! When we went away to different colleges, we still stayed in contact and saw each other when we were both home for a weekend. We both started dating other people, which was most definitely the right thing to do. People really do some serious growing up between our early school years and college. Sometimes people get a little scared about making a working life for themselves and it is easy to look for a comfortable and safe spot back in the past. We went on to marry other people and moved on with our lives. Now, my eighth grade sweetheart is a little different story. We have always remained friends, and even though we don't call or email frequently, we manage to stay in touch. In fact, I see him every single day! He's the older guy standing in the cranberry bog on the OceanSpray commercials!!!