Long distance Relationship? Conflicted
Posted by One of the Guys on May 10th, 2011and was filed in Relationship Advice: Question/Answer with 6 responses, what do you think?
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Dear Guys,
So I’ve known this guy sincee middle school. In fact we dated in the eight grade. Well that was short lived but we remained friendly afterwards. In high school we didn’t have any classes together. But we talked when we passed one another and smiled. We kept things friendly. Well two years after high school while I’m in college, he contacted me via Facebook and admitted to me that he had liked me all that time but was fearful to ask me out. (I had secretly still liked him as well). So we started talking, and talking and talking. Skyping as well. We have been chatting for a few months now. Problem is, he lives eight hours away now. In conversation we may have gotten in a little too emotionally deep, sharing some very personal things. He started calling me “beautiful”, “babe”. Saying things like, “Oh, I cant wait to see you and be with you.” This is when I thought he was moving back here, where we grew up. But recently he admitted that he’s conflicted with whether to stay where he is or go. It all has to do with money and his schooling. He’s not sure where to go next. He wants to be with me, but like I said, money and finding a school and a new major is a problem. He’s not happy where he is, I at least know that much.
But because he’s suddenly unsure of where he’s going, our conversations have become a lot more friends rather than flirty. He still contacts me often to chat, share and see what I’m up to. But its gotten a lot more casual as opposed to our previously “serious about dating talk.”
Is he worth waiting for? He may or may not decide to come down to where I am. I feel like we really connect but as long as he’s at a distance, it will probably remain friendly. What do you think?… Should I stick with it, support him and wait for him to move back here?
Holly
Dear Holly,
Thanks for writing to us.
This is an interesting situation. Our first thought was, here’s a guy that doesn’t like being alone. Otherwise why would he open up to you when he thought he was going to move where you live, and then do an about face when it looked like that might not happen. It almost seemed like part of moving to a new town was having a girlfriend in place.
On the other hand it does sound like he’s had a thing for you for a long time. We like that he contacted you and finally told you how he felt. Sometimes it takes guys a long time to step up to the plate. Good for him.
After debating this for awhile we think you should keep in contact with him, but maybe at arm’s length. It’s a confusing and vulnerable time for him. He’s not happy where he is, but he’s not sure what to do about it. He needs to figure this stuff out by himself. Sure you can be a supportive friend, but we don’t think you should be the one who helps him work through this. That’s a recipe for getting left in the dust.
In general when a person is at a pivotal time in their life, that’s when they should be unencumbered by a new relationship. This gives them the freedom to make the best decision for themselves. And that’s what this guy should do; and maybe he intutively understands this. If he makes a decision that’s based on having a relationship with you, but that isn’t necessarily the best decision for his future, there’s potential for resentment, which isn’t the way to start a relationship. He’s got to make a decision about his life before the two of you can even discuss having a relationship.
So this is one of those “wait and see” scenarios Holly. We recommend you live your life, and let him live his. Talk to him if he calls you, but don’t get wrapped up in the minutia of his life. And please let him be the initiator. Once he’s feeling more settled and grounded, maybe then the two of you can start talking about being together. But once again, you’ll know whether or not he really wants to be with you if he pursues you.
We wish we could give a more definitive answer, but the nature of long distance relationships makes that difficult.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
ps. Be sure to let your friends know about us.
This sounds sooooo familiar to me! When we went away to different colleges, we still stayed in contact and saw each other when we were both home for a weekend. We both started dating other people, which was most definitely the right thing to do. People really do some serious growing up between our early school years and college. Sometimes people get a little scared about making a working life for themselves and it is easy to look for a comfortable and safe spot back in the past. We went on to marry other people and moved on with our lives.
Now, my eighth grade sweetheart is a little different story. We have always remained friends, and even though we don’t call or email frequently, we manage to stay in touch. In fact, I see him every single day! He’s the older guy standing in the cranberry bog on the OceanSpray
commercials!!!
@Judie…..you’re kidding me. Love that!
I am finding myself in a similar situation. I have starting communicating with an old flame of mine, but he lives very far away from me, with no chance of relocating for at least the next year and a half. He is at that pivotal moment in his life where he needs to be there for his choice of career and to focus on finishing through with his plans and certification. He has always been upfront and honest and admitted that we shoudln’t let other opportunities pass us by; who knows what may happen down the road but it’s very difficult to sit on the sidelines waiting for something that is only a possibility. It isn’t the easiest to realize, especially when you meet someone great and who you adore, but it is what it is. So I’ve taken to dating other guys and seeing what the present holds as opposed to focusing on the future. Thanks Guys – although your persective isn’t new information to me, it certainly puts me at ease to know that my decisions to not sit and wait or pursue a relationship at this point in time with this person is a good one.
@J9…..Glad we could be a comforting voice for you. Please keep us posted. And if you ever have a question, ask away. Take care.
Thanks Guys!
I’m currently a bit stumped. I’m still in communication with the same guy (we talk about once every week or two) and we talk about the usual day to day things: work, life, family,friends, what we did on the weekend, holiday plans, what we had for dinner (exciting, I know!), etc. To me those kind of conversations help keep things more realistic and less of a fabricated fantasy. We aren’t in a relationship and have discussed the idea of doing long-distance, but neither of us are really up for it. I’ve been down that road before, and he has been upfront about his priorities being elsewhere right now with work and school.I know he is in a tough spot because he doesn’t have the option to relocate until his certification is done, which will take another year and a half. We are from the same town, and he does make it back once every six months or so for holidays to visit family and friends, and we always spend time together when he is here, and it’s always great.
I put forward the idea of coming up north to visit him. Apart from it being expensive to fly there (we’re in Canada), and that his work schedule doesn’t really allow for him to take time off and he is often out of town, he expressed hesitancy about the possibility, stating that he didn’t want either of us to get any wrong ideas about the possibility of an “us”, and that it would be hard on us to act like a couple and build up hopes of a future when we both know full well that it can’t happen right now and that we shouldn’t put our lives on hold for something that isn’t certain. I can’t relocate from my job, and he doesn’t know where he might end up when school is done. I’m wondering: is he being fair and honest by saying/thinking this, or does it mean that he doesn’t care or want anything to do with me? Is he pointing out that me coming to visit solely for the purpose of being with him is too close to trying to be in a long-distance relationship, which we both agreed isn’t best? Help (and thanks)!
@J9…..Nice to hear from you. We don’t think he’s saying he doesn’t care about you, but the fact that he’s not expounding and letting you into his more private thoughts does say something. We think it’s fair to say that he cares about you, but that he’s not sure if he feels a romantic connection to you. And when you suggest a visit you’re also suggesting that you’re interested in exploring this relationship, and that you’re willing to work at it a bit to see what could happen. So he’s at least saying he’s not interested in working on it. Which of course suggests that he’s very conflicted about how he feels about you romantically. So we don’t think it’s as extreme as you’re suggesting, but we do think the two of you are on different pages when it comes to an actual relationship.