Long distance: Should I pursue?
Posted by One of the Guys on August 23rd, 2011and was filed in Relationship Advice: Question/Answer with 6 responses, what do you think?
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I’d like to understand what happened?
Dear Guys,
About three months ago I started seeing a guy even though we both knew I was moving to England for work at some point. (It wasn’t clear when I’d be leaving. We’re from Canada) I was okay with just a fling because I told myself I would not get attached. He always instigated texting and calling me the entire time. Sometimes it would take him a couple of days to contact me but I would then take the same amount of time to return his text or call, so I know we were both playing it cool, even though we’d still always get together. He would also often invite me out to hang with his friends.
Before I left for England (2 months into our “relationship” – I don’t know what to call it) he would send me funny Youtube links about not going to London, with a little ‘lol’ next to the link. And when I was at the airport ready to go he texted me to say he’d miss spending time with me.
Once I was in England he decided to go to Rome for a vacation by himself. (He arranged this long before we started seeing each other.) He offered to buy me a ticket to visit him for a few days while he was there. Obviously I agreed but because the ticket was more than what we expected I split the cost with him, which was totally fine by me. We had a great time; he always made an effort to hold my hand while we were walking, reach out for my hand at dinner. He was always sweet and respectful. On our last night he really opened up to me about a lot of painful events that happened when he was growing up, much of which I think very few of his friends are aware of and I’m not sure if now he feels he needs to put his defenses up all over again. We both left Rome just over a week ago and since then he hasn’t been initiating contact with me as much as he used to, such as email or instant messaging. He always responds to me if I message him and he’s happy to hear from me, but it bothers me that I’m the one who seems to be doing most of the instigating now. I can’t tell if I should continue to be interested in him. My move isn’t supposed to be permanent though I don’t know how long it will be for, so I don’t want to let go of the relationship potential. But I’m also wondering if he is just not interested anymore…
Thanks!
Sadie
Dear Sadie,
Thanks for writing to us.
We’d be very surprised if he was no longer interested in you. In fact, to us it sounds quite the contrary. Since he opened up to you during your time in Rome together, he may be feeling vulnerable. He probably feels like he’s revealed his true feelings, but he’s not sure where you stand with the relationship. If he’s feeling insecure, this could be the reason he’s pulled away.
We realize your situation is complicated. Adding a long distance component to any relationship only further complicates matters. But both of you have made things even more confusing and complicated by continuing to “play it cool.” Of course we understand why you began the relationship that way. However, the time for playing it cool has long been over. We wish you had discussed your relationship before you left for England, but it’s not too late to begin this discussion now.
So our answer is: Yes, you should pursue the relationship, but only if you really care for this guy. We can’t guarantee that he’ll reciprocate, but based on his actions, he certainly seems very interested. Examples: Haven’t you met his friends? Didn’t he invite you to Rome? And wasn’t he sweet the whole time? And didn’t he confide in you some very personal experiences? And hasn’t he been consistently interested for the last few months? All of these examples say one thing: He’s interested. Unless of course something happened in Rome that you haven’t mentioned. (Something like: Awkward sex? or something in that family.)
So it’s time to let your defenses down and talk to him about how you feel, and what you’re thinking. If he reciprocates you’ll both work together to figure out how to make it work. If he doesn’t, then you no longer need to waste your time worrying whether he really likes you or not. In our eyes, it’s a win-win move, even though we understand it’s never easy to let your guard down.
Last thing: We realize you are in England and he’s in Canada, but even that distance is not impossible to cope with. People have dealt with far worse. And maybe once you square things away, both of you will see this relationship in a different light, and you’ll reevaluate your priorities. (Sometimes people get so stuck in their ways they don’t realize they can do whatever they want with their life, even if it requires swimming against the current.) Love is not something to take for granted. It certainly doesn’t happen every day. So we think you should make it a priority. It’s at least worth exploring.
We wish you the best. Please keep us posted on your situation.
THE GUYS
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Tagged with: dating advice • Dating questions • guy's point of view • guys • long distance relationship • men • new relationship • relationship advice • relationship answers • relationship questions
Thanks so much for your feedback! It gave me the courage to at least talk to him to see what was going on through his head. I’m never usually brave enough to take that step. I opened up about it last week I wanted to let you know the outcome because you gave me such a thoughtful response, which I really appreciate. I asked him that if I hadn’t moved if he would’ve left what we had as a fling and just stayed friends, which totally caught him off guard lol. He said it would be as much up to me as to him and he didn’t think he had any expectations other than friendship and that anything could have happened, but that he certainly doesn’t like to think of it as a fling (he definitely thinks we would’ve continued to see each other but couldn’t say in what capacity). He told me “you know I care about you” (obvious to him I guess) and I can somewhat understand only thinking friendship because we both knew I was leaving. But he has a lot of “girls who are friends”… so maybe that’s how he establishes his friendships with them? Mia culpa if so. He also said he has the mindset that all his relationships will fail and that he doesn’t think he’d be a good boyfriend at the moment so I don’t think he wants to try with me, especially overseas I would think. Soooo… the good thing though is that we’re still on good terms, we do still instant message each other relatively frequently – I let him do most of the initiating and he’s pretty good at it but is still totally avoiding talking to me “real time” – he always waits till I’m most likely sleeping before he’ll message me and if we’re ever online at the same time he waits until I’m offline before messaging me. But when he went out of town this past weekend he told me in advance that he’d be gone but would talk to me when he got back. I still totally care about him and am happy to be his friend, I guess he has a lot to work through and even if he’s just saying that stuff to let me down gently I’m ok with that too. I’m just glad I finally asked, because it really wasn’t as big a deal as I expected it to be. Phew
None of my friends understand what he’s thinking either (nothing awkward happened in Rome). We keep speculating that maybe you guys are right and that he is indeed feeling vulnerable (or maybe disappointed or something) but I’m sure his defenses are back up so I’m trying to not let it bother me or ask him again. At the same time, it’s really only been just over a week since I brought this up to him and at that time he said he needed to collect his thoughts… so maybe that’s what he’s doing..sheesh. But I’m for sure going to keep perusing your site – you have good advice so thank you again!
Sadie
@Sadie….Thanks for the update. We’re really happy you had a conversation with him. And that it wasn’t so bad!
Feel free to ask another question anytime. And your
friends too. Take care and keep us posted.
About six months ago, I broke up with my long term boyfriend. I had, had a series of traumatic deaths in my family, and needed some time to repair me. As well as, we had been doing quite a bit of bickering in the weeks leading up to my final decision to leave.
Apparently, he took our breakup exceptionally hard, which I really wouldn’t have expected anything less. I kind of blindsided him with this decision, then I broke off communication entirely. However, during this time I never stopped loving or caring about him.
A month or so ago, I Skyped him, I have honestly never seen a smile on a mans face before as when we saw each other for the first time.
We discussed all kinds of stuff during the following weeks including getting back together. He stated that he isn’t completely opposed to the idea, but it isn’t something that he wants to do right away. And, I completely understand, I don’t want to jump into things head first either.
Anyway, shortly after regaining contact, we spent the weekend together. Days and nights, and it was great! we had a blast. Before our meeting, we decided to keep things light, and not bring up anything that could possibly spoil out time together, including getting back together.
After hanging out, things went kind of cold. I initiated contact a couple of times, but his responses seemed distant, and not at all personal.
I tried to just let it ride, but after a couple of weeks of “What the heck is going on?”, I bit the bullet and flat out asked him. He responded by saying that he would like to set up a time and day for us to hang out again. He also said that he does want to hear about the things that are going on in my life, but for him it’s still too soon for us to be talking to each other all the time. Because, “it would feel like we we’re back in a relationship, which is not where we are right now.”, and although, he hasn’t meant to come across as distant or impersonal, the distance I had been feeling was “kind of” intentional on his part.
Are these the words of a man who is afraid of getting hurt again? Or do you think he’s just over it?
I’ve thought about his wording, and I can see it going either way. So, I’m hoping that another man can help me with any translation I may be missing with my hopeful mind.
I definitely am not going to ask him to elaborate. I plan on just giving him his space and going with the flow, assuming that there is a flow to be going with
Thanks, it really helps to have a guys perspective on things!
@Stacia…..Based on the way the two of you broke up, it’s our best guess that these are the words of a guy afraid of getting hurt again, or someone not willing to go through what he endured six months ago. The only other possibility is that he’s completely shut off his heart to you, but he’s still open to being physical with you. (This isn’t likely, but guys will do this. It’s not necessarily vindictive. It’s more in the camp of Friends with Benefits.) We don’t think this is what’s going on, but we thought you should know that this is a possibility. We think you need to be patient if you really want to get back together at some point. If he’s willing to give it a try he’ll open up slowly. Because before the two of you can get back together he needs to be able to explain to you what you put him through and have you understand that it can’t happen again. And you need to reassure him over and over. But proceed slowly on this. Take your cues from him. Hope this helps. Good luck. We wish you the best. Keep us posted as this progresses and feel free to ask as many questions as you like.
Thanks for the response! Last night after I wrote, he e-mailed me and asked if we could Skype ( I forgot to mention last time, that we have been living a couple of hours apart from each other for the past year or so, due to work. He had asked me to move with him, but I am a divorced parent and my ex husband was not willing to let me move out of state with our son. I have no children with the man in question. ).
While we were talking, he asked me to update him on the things that have been going on in my life, and he gave me the run down about whats been going on in his as well.
I asked him if we would be intimate during our visit and he said that he really wants and would love to, but he didn’t know if it would be in the best interest or not. I asked him why, and he responded that, he “doesn’t know what we are right now and that having sex would blur the lines even more.” I do respect where he is coming from, and trust that he will make whatever decision is right for him. So, I told him that I would not try to persuade him, and that, that was something he would need to figure out on his own.
By him saying that he doesn’t know what we are right now,
could this mean that he is in fact contemplating a reunion? And, what do you make of the “blurring the lines” comment?
Of course, I see both of these statements as optimistic and positive, but as an avid over-thinker, I don’t want to be reading too much into it, and possibly allowing my mind to twist what he is saying into what I would like to hear rather that what actually may be being said.
I don’t know if age matters among any of this, but I am 33 and he is 29.
Guys perspective?
@Stacia……We see his comments as positive. Like we said before, in these kinds of situations there’s always a chance the guy could just be into just the sex. It’s familiar. Easy. But he’s saying the opposite which tells us he’s actually considering the possibility of getting back together. You see Stacia, when a woman dumps a guy, it’s not just sad for him, his ego is also wounded. He needs to feel strong before he begins again with you. He might feel like he’s in a better place now than six months ago, but he’s waiting to see how he feels with you. We could see your visit going three ways. 1. It stays casual, fun, like two people getting to know one another. 2. He wants to process what happened and talk to you about how he feels. 3. Or some combination of the two. Whatever he wants we think you should let him take the lead. If it’s a casual/fun visit then be that. If it’s a more serious when then your “job” is to be open and honest and try to make him understand what happened and that you’re in a different place now. Also, let him know how sorry you are for putting him through the breakup and that you won’t do it again. Remember, he needs to get back together with you on his own terms. His ego won’t have it any other way.