Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

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Dear Guys,

Please enlighten me!

I met a guy through work almost a year ago that I really like and would like to get to know better. We live in different states, and communicate via text, IM, and e-mails.

Typically I am the one who initiates the conversation (not always), but he ALWAYS responds no matter how random the message. Also, he sent me a pic when I requested one. Would a guy do that if he weren’t interested? Or is he just being nice, and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings??  I even told him once that I felt he was giving off mixed signals and it was okay if he wasn’t interested…I’m a big girl and can handle it, blah, blah, blah. Instead of confirming or denying interest, he asked what I meant and that he didn’t think he was doing that.

All of the guys I’ve asked so far have said the same thing…that no one is that nice. If he wasn’t interested there is no way he would keep responding, especially for this long.

My girlfriends all say very different things ranging from “he’s interested” to “he has a girlfried” to “you are reading more into it”, etc.

Guys, What do you think??  Is he interested, or am I reading more into the situation than there is because I want there to be more??

Is it possible that we are both too guarded and cautious and waiting for a more direct and honest approach before opening up to each other? If that’s the case should I write a letter and put it all out there, or is that too desperate? I am desperate for the truth, not for a boyfriend…(I get asked out all the time), but there is just something about this guy that has captured my attention.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!



Dear AJ,

Thanks for your question.

Typically if a guy doesn’t take the initiative to move a “relationship” forward we would say he’s probably not interested. However in your case, since it is a long distance situation, that maxim doesn’t apply.

How confident do you think this guy is? From our point of view it’s hard to say. Sure, he might be savvy via text and email but that doesn’t mean he feels comfortable closing the deal. And when you factor in your work connection, he may be at a loss on the best way to proceed.

When a guy asks a woman to marry him he’s usually pretty certain that she’ll say yes. A non sequitur? Not really. Because some guys want this same level of certainty even before they ask a girl out on a date. (Think high school) Maybe their ego can’t handle rejection? Either way, this particular type of guy needs some help. Your guy may fall into this group.

We agree with your guy friends. We don’t think he’d be wasting his time for this long unless he was interested in you in some way. But if that’s true we can also see why you’re confused. You’re probably wondering, ‘What is taking him so long? Why is he not asking me out? What’s his deal?’ And that’s why we understand where your girlfriends are coming from too. He’s a bit of a mystery.

So here’s what we think. This guy needs you to be the one to take the risk. Of course, really, what is the risk? Rejection? Embarrassment? Those are only risks for a person who lacks inner strength. Sure it’s never fun to be rejected, but what’s the worst that can happen here? Not much really. You feel crappy for a bit and then you move on. But at least you’ll get the information you’re seeking.

However, we don’t think you should write him a “tell all” letter. Just let him know you’re interested in more than a text/IM relationship. You could drop hints, but why be ambiguous? Tell him directly that you find him intriguing and let him know you’d be open if he wanted to arrange a visit, etc.

But DON’T do the asking yourself. He’s got to take some initiative. You’re basically doing 90% of the work here anyway. If he can’t do the last 10% then he’s not who you think he is.

Good luck. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here as well. And please also keep us posted. You’ve piqued our curiosity. We want to know how this turns out.


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92 Comments on Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

  1. Hi guys,

    I met a someone 3 years ago when he came to town as a visiting student from Europe. We initially hung out with a mutual group of friends and, on occasion, one on one. He then went to another city and asked me to visit him which I did. We had a great time together, but it was totally platonic. Although I suspected it then, I see more clearly now in retrospect that he did a lot of the things guys supposedly do when they like someone (offering his jacket when I was cold, complimenting me, touching or hugging me spontaneously without a clear reason, wanting to take pictures). I didn’t initiate anything as I had gotten out of a bad relationship several months prior and also had a very busy time ahead with work and felt that I needed to protect myself and not be unfocused. Furthermore, I am 6 years older than he is, and felt a little self conscious about being the “older woman” and not wanting to look desperate (he was completely aware of the age difference and didn’t seem to be bothered by it). in any case, he is now back in Europe, and it is about 3 years later and we have continued to keep in touch, initially writing every 2-4 weeks, now every 4-6 weeks or so. He still alludes to that weekend from time to time. Although my feelings about him have fluctuated over time, I still return to thinking of him because he is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met and has many of the qualities that I know I should be looking for in a partner. We are in the same line of work, although at different stages. Even though I know I made the right decision for myself 3 years ago, I sometimes feel sad and wonder if that was a missed opportunity. I also wonder if he has continued to stay in touch as a friend, or if the consistency and duration suggest the possibility of something more. What do you think?

  2. @SP…….In reading this we keep thinking about timing. You made the best decision you could make at the time of your visit with him based on who you were and what you were coming out of. (Bad relationship) Although we get the sense you wish you had been at a different place so you could have seen what might have happened. But don’t feel regret. You did the best you could then, and so let’s focus on right now. Questions: Has he given you any indication he might want more besides keeping in touch with you? Besides alluding to your weekend together, has he talked about a visit, or anything else like that? Also, do you know if he is single still? And how old are the two of you? The answers to those questions will help us formulate a clearer answer for you. Let us know and we’ll get back to you.

  3. Thanks for replying. He was 23 when we met and I was 29. I can’t say that he has really hinted at anything more than keeping in touch. He has talked about coming to visit, but I think that travel visa issues might have made things a bit trickier in the past although that seems to be resolved now (he recently got EU citizenship). A little over a year ago i traveled to Europe on a work related trip and was supposed to make a stopover in another city and meet up with him, but it didn’t work out. He had just moved to that city and was staying at the apt of a mutual friend and things were all set up for me to stay there as well. We were communicating about it right until the end, but the weekend before I was supposed to arrive, he went to his hometown for a visit and got really sick. At first I was kind of annoyed and even a bit paranoid that he faked being sick because he didn’t really want to see me, but it ended up working out well. Some mutual friends took me out and we had a really nice time. He was very apologetic about it but my feelings toward him definitely cooled at that point, at least for a little while. I think I felt a bit like a fool and needed to protect myself. Nevertheless we have continued to keep in touch and have confided in each other a fair bit (ailing parents, job searching – we are both doctors and I just finished my training and started working and he is now in residency). He has asked me I have any upcoming plans to travel to Europe again and I do not at this time. He has also said that he will look into attending conferences in the U.S. and perhaps stop by my city but that is up in the air also. In his emails he mentions missing life in the U.S. and almost seems a bit wistful when referring to our weekend together as that was the last time he was here, and he also says that he misses his good friends here (like me).
    As for whether he is currently single, I do not know. He once asked me about my personal life 1.5 years ago (he knew about my bad relationship experience before meeting him as we’d talked about that when I visited him) and I told him that I wasn’t seeing anybody at the time, although I mentioned being interested in getting to know someone at my workplace. However, when I asked him if he was seeing anyone, he never answered. The subject of whether either of us was seeing someone else has never come up again.
    Hope this information clarifies things a bit.

  4. @SP…..Thanks, more info helps. Honestly, we think he would be making it more obvious to you if he was interested in something more than just a friendship. Guys know early on how serious they want to be with a woman; or rather what kind of potential they see with a woman. He might be wistful about your weekend together but the fact that he’s kind of vague and non-committal about pretty much everything tells us that he probably sees you as a friend. However, there is one possibility that we’re wrong. It’s possible he sees the relationship as impossible since you live so far away from each other. A lot of people feel that long-distance relationships are a waste of time. And they are, if the couple isn’t working towards actually living in the same place at some point. So that’s how we see this. It’s one of those two possibilities. What do yo think? ps. Please share our site with all of your friends. Thanks! We appreciate it.

  5. There is this guy. He lives hours away, but this year we have seen each a few times, because we have the same friends and so made plans over the summer. The first time we did something together this year, was the first time we meet. When we are with our friends, he ignores me. He doesnt talk to me as to the other females in our group. Then I had a funny thing happen to me and everyone would laugh about it except him, he would just be serious. He would joke around and make fun of the others but never do the same to me. At the end I thought oh well he doesnt like me, who cares, and I would just ignore him back. Then one day, when we where out camping, I was sad about something and he knew. He send me a funny pic of a dog via text. I was surprised. And thought okay, but he never lost a word about it and acted as though he never send it. Then once as we where both standing and waiting for the others, he did start a convo but never looked at me.
    So a few days after we where back from our trip, I had my birthday and he send me a text. Since then we have been texting and even emailed back and forth.
    I would really like a guys perspective on this because I cant really make something out of it.

  6. @Nancy…..That is odd behavior, but not odd if he is really into you. Do you get that vibe from him at all? Someone might act how he’s acting when they’re really nervous, but then be much more open via email/text because it’s easier to hide behind a machine. Is he a nervous person at all? (How old are the two of you?) Give us a little more info and we’ll be able to respond more.

  7. We are both 24. He is a shy guy. He is a quite and reliable guy. Although he does joke around. He did joke around with the other girls and tease them but never me. He was always very careful around me, if someone was teasing me he wouldnt laugh along. We would sit around and have fun and he would just leave me out,like I wasnt even there. At first I though okay he is shy I will just have to make him comfy around me, and really tried. But if I did try talking to me he would just nod or give short answers and one could tell he wasnt comfy. So I stopped but I did pay attention how he acted with the others. And one of my friend told me later how crazy he was doing stuff and being like a little child on a walk I wasnt joining. But he always acted so grown up and careful. Well the thought crossed my mind that maybe I was just imagine things but it was hard to not notice. I thought it weird. It kind of annoyed me. But yes I did get some vibe. But I was more busy thinking what I had done to that guy. Now that we are texting and writing email, he does really open up and he once did say that he could not talk like he texts. After our trip he texted with another girl and he would joke around with her and she one time complained to me that no matter what she wrote about me, like something funny that was supposed to make him laugh, he would jump and defend me. I would go like, yeah right, why would he defend me if he doesnt even like me? That was at the beginning before I started texting with him.
    Sometimes I do think that there is something, maybe he is checking me out,but sometimes I get the feeling that he maybe just wants to be friends. But would a guy take time two answer long emails with equal long emails and always text back? He listens to everything I write. Even if it is something totally girly and most guys would just drop the topic he doesnt. I really like him. And the more I get to know him the more I like him. Is he just being nice? Should I just put him in a friend category and move on? I just think that if a guy really likes a girl he would do more would just go more out of his way to show her. And at his age one should think he would have the courage to step up if there was some feeling. After three months constantly, almost daily texting and emailing should a guy not be ready to take a step further. I dont mind the slow moving I just dont want to hang around him to long and wait for him and in the end there was nothing there.

  8. @Nancy……We agree with you. He should be stepping up to the plate. He’s either not interested, very shy, or not confident. But you’ve got to let him take the reigns here. He’s got to start initiating communication. Have you talked to him about how you feel? What’s holding you back? If he tells you he’s not interested then at least you won’t have to waste your time wondering. Bottom line: If he’s not confident or mature enough to start taking the initiative then he’s not ready for any sort of relationship. Your thoughts? Feel free to ask us as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted on what you decide to do. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. Also on Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz

  9. So I have a slightly similar situation and would love some advice as I’m driving myself crazy. I live in CA and the person I’m interested in lives in CT – we work for the same company and while I don’t work for him, the function of my job means that he is occasionally a client of mine when he has a project come up that requires my department’s assistance. I’ve worked on quite a few with him recently and we have started IMing, texting, emailing and talking on a very regular basis. E.g. he will email me in the morning if I’m not on IM to find out why and I think we’re both making up email excuses about work in order to start conversations. He will call about something work related but the conversation will go on long after we resolve the work stuff. He travels a lot for work and quite often we will IM at work and it will go on all day until he goes to bed. We have not met in person but I have an upcoming trip to NYC for work and we may end up meeting there. He has been adamant from the start that he doesn’t date anyone from work yet our communication is flirty but what I would call very safe flirting. On Valentine’s day he told me me he had sent 5 bouquets to different girls – none of whom he is dating and said he would have sent me one if I didn’t work at the same company. He did send me a Happy V Day message though. He’s mentioned that he would like to set up a dinner for when I’m out there but that it would be with my boss and VP as it would be weird for it just to be me. We are friends on facebook despite him telling me that he keeps his private life separate and is not fb friends with people he works with – I didn’t get an answer when I asked what made me different. He’s told me what kind of girls he likes and while I fit some of the criteria, I don’t fit all which we have joked about. He works a lot and the girl that ends up with him would have to be very tolerant of that – he’s also mentioned he doesn’t do bi-coastal relationships. So, is he interested or not? Several times I have said we don;t have to be fb friends if it makes him uncomfortable or asked if I am bothering him with my emails etc but he said he wouldn’t respond if that was the case. He is always very responsive but seems to be playing it a little more safe since I teased him about flirting – he says he acts like this with everyone but am sure he doesn’t communicate constantly with “everyone”. Sorry for the long response but I’m a bit clueless. Do I just back off? Many thanks for your help!

  10. @Kafin13…..He sounds like a player honestly. And he also doesn’t sound like he’s going to be very tolerant of the person he gets involved with, but at the same time he’ll expect them to be tolerant of his work and activities. Our advice: Stay far away from this. And we’d be saying this even if you didn’t work from him. (How old are the two of you?) Last thoughts: If he’s a young guy—in his early 20s—we’d expect him to be this way. If he’s a big older—late 20s and beyond—he’s not going to change much. Either way, he doesn’t sound like a catch for a person who wants an actual relationship.

  11. Thanks for the advice. He’s 36 and I’m 39. I wish it wasn’t like this – we’re clearly attracted to each others’ personalities which is a nice change when it’s generally physical attraction that comes first. But, you’re right, it’s pretty much all on his terms – he decides when the flirting is ok and when it isn’t and he’s probably enjoying the attention without having to put anything into it. Since we do have to work together now and again, I’ll just have to pull back and stop him engaging with me unless it’s on a work level. Bugger…

  12. @Kafin13…..Good luck and keep us posted.

  13. Hey Guys! You awesome! I have read your advices. Now I have a question. If a guy call you a friend, early on in your conversations, does that mean that he already has figured out that you two can only be friends for life?

    Ok, this is the story: I met this guy online. He’s from the US, and I’m from London. We’ve been chatting for 4 months now…but, during the 2nd month of our online communication, he sent me an email that has a subject line “hey friend”. Right at that moment, I figured he has just friendzoned me. But, I just continued talking to him and listening to him. We just have so much in common and I really feel comfortable chatting with him even though we haven’t met yet. He thinks the same way too..we are just so alike..sure we have differences, but yeah. Most of the time, he initiates the convo. If I start it, he always makes time to answer and the convo would keep going on and on. I mean, I like him..his personality and things like that…I just want to know if there’s anything good coming from this? Is he interested in me or just being friendly? Sometimes,he would comment on my fb pictures as ‘you’re beautiful’…I mean, it’s kinda confusing, you know? I’ll thank you in advance for your reply. :-)

  14. @Dee….He sounds interested. Remember, meeting someone online isn’t easy. So he’s proceeding slowly, trying to gauge where you’re at. Has there been any talk of visiting? That might tell you a lot. Has he hinted about this? Have you hinted to him? Might not be a bad idea at this point, especially since you’re wondering where this is headed.

  15. I knew this guy one month ago at car dealer agency , he was the salesman , we instantly clicked and he was contacting me alot regarding my car updates and I had to slow him down , he said he is into it but the rest is up to me , so i told him we should stop , and he agreed , that bissed me off and I called him being passive . anyway he didn’t reply to that then we just resumed flirting , and I noticed that he is tottally into me while Iam at his work place but we we talk through emails he didn’t talk much , I have to start every step , then he told me we should be friend I guess he has a GF !! anyway after i recivied my car i he said when we will be seeing each other again I told him never , than he laughed and handed me my car keys “proffessionally and left , but I couldn’t accept it was over so I kept contact him through emails but he rarely responds , and when I asked him where he stands he said that is past you sholdn’t dig graves .. so Isent him agood bye nice email but he didn’t responded at all , and I know he read it , after few days I sent him an anger email that he isn’t that mature as he is claiming and he just enjoyed my attention.. of course he didn’t respond to that either , I want to know what was that , was he intersted? why he pulled back?? when I meet him in person he never stop talking he try his best to make me laugh , always looking at me and if he caught me looking at him he look into my eyes with passion ,,tell me what to do and what is really going on ?? plzzzzz thanks

  16. @Dreamer……Is it possible he was just trying to sell you a car? Like women bar tenders do to sell drinks?

  17. tahnks for getting back to me , may be I don’t know but when I went there I was already made my choice , and paid the unrefundable deposite , he didn’t made ANY EFFORT to convince me I already knew what I wanted .. but may be he was just having fun!! please help me what to do today ASAP cuz I am going today to the agency , and I really want to meet him , but i am afraid he may avoid me , and ..i also remembered ONE TIME I told him he shouldn’t get to much attached as we may never see each other again after the car deal , and he was like why not and he is not getting attached but he there is somthing about me he is liking , and he has never been this close to any one before !!!!
    please get back to me before it is too late :'(

  18. I just rememberd , on valntine’s day he greeted me first and as it happened that Ihave to go to the agency that day , he sent me an email saying :since ur coming don’t forget to bring me my valntine gift , and he asked for chocolate !! actually I teased him a little then I didn’t took anything for him , I thought it would be too much , as he had nothing for me , but he kept asking for this chocolate even after I got the car , but then when I started putting him in the corner to guage out his feeling he started ignoring my mails ,but one time i mentioned i am going to bring him the choclate as I promised but I need to know if he is there he instantly responded saying sorry for not replying my mails he was absent from work !! and he is back and very much at work every day till so and so .. and he told me come along !! ???? confusing no !! then here where I sent my anger email calling him he just liked the extra attention and I hope he had his ego inflated !!!! should I apologize for that even if I feel that may be part of the truth!!

  19. @Dreamer…….We’re really sorry. We just don’t think he’s interested in any sort of relationship or dating.

  20. thanks guys for the interaction , really apprciated ..

  21. Hey Guys, this is Kathy here again. I had earlier sought advise on this guy I had connected long distance. We live in different cities. We met when I was visiting his city on work, and felt an easy and warm connection. However I heard from him only when I wrote to him. Then taking your advise, I stopped writing- after dropping a mail stating clearly I was Interested in keeping in touch, but open to letting go.

    There was a pause after that mail, and then I got an email apologising as he was travelling and caught up with research work. he wrote that he wanted to stay in touch, and felt there was a special connection he had felt when we met, and would hate to loose that. That I should overlook the pause and write back. I wrote back. We bagan writing to each other fortnightly. This continued till he wrote he was going to be travelling on research work. Since the last two months, I haven’t heard back from the man. what is this about? Should I drop in a line (though I was the last one to write and haven’t got a reply)? Should I wait to hear from him when he is able to/wants to write?. He is active online (we are not exclusive- just getting to know each other stage). Has he lost interest?
    Thanks in advance. your advise is very helpful.

  22. @Kathy…..One thought comes to mind. Sometimes people have a great connection but for some reason a relationship doesn’t work between them. The way this guy communicates doesn’t work for you. He thinks he’s keeping the connection alive, and instead, he’s driving you crazy and making you wonder. We doubt he’s any different in person. Something to think about.

  23. Mermaid // May 25, 2013 at 5:09 am //

    Hey Guys,

    I’m hoping that you can shed some light on this situation. I also apologize for the very lengthy email and detail of our communication.

    I reached out to a guy on facebook, after seeing that he was an alumni of an academic program that I was interested in applying. He lives in Europe, and I live in North America.

    My first couple of exchanges with him over facebook were about the program, after which he said that I could add him as a friend. After 1-2 short exchanges, which also touched on the program, but also on travel and work experiences, I mentioned that some of his photos caused me to blush, and that if I’m ever in his country, it would be cool to meet to hear more about the program and his work. I heard nothing and the two months went by, and he sent me a random msg that he was going to another country and that if I wanted to visit that place of the earth, I’m welcome. I wrote back and asked him what he was going to be doing in this new country and said that I was going to be in his hometown on two dates. A month went buy, and he responded to my questions.

    I responded about a month later as I was traveling, asked him a couple of questions about his work in the new country, and at the end, I admitted that his new profile picture had caused me to crush. He responded a few days after saying that he thought I was beautiful and that he hopes we can meet some day. I responded and said that was sweet, and I hoped to meet him someday.

    After two months of not hearing anything, I initiated contact and sent him a msg to ask how things were going, and responded and said that should try skype. I wrote back a few days later, and said I’d like that and to let me know when he’s free. I added him, and two weeks later, after not hearing from him, I wrote a msg, and said it would be great to skype and again, to let me know when he’s free. A month went by, and one day, he tried to contact me on skype (which I missed and only realized this two weeks later, and when I was about to leave to start a program in another country. I left a msg on skype saying that I’d love to chat when I got settled, heard nothing, and a week later, after arriving in the new country, I msged him and asked him how things were.

    Although he did “like” my profile picture, I heard nothing for 1.5 months, and then sent him a b’day msg on facebook. A month later, he started “poking” me on facebook and sent me one line saying that he “wished I was here”. I wrote back a few days saying that was sweet of him, asking what his plans are as his time in the second country was coming to an end.

    A month went by without him responding, although we continued to poke each other back and forth a bit, and then I wrote again asking how he was, telling him what I was up to, and mentioning that a friend and I were thinking of traveling in Europe in the summer. Two weeks later, he wrote back telling me that he’s going home in 2 weeks, and after a month, will be going to another country, and that if I’m in the Europe to let him now. He also said that if I had time to skype that day or the next day, he’d like that.

    I responded 2 days later, telling him some times in the next two days that I’m free. A week later, I hadn’t heard anything, so I msged again, saying it would be great to skype chat, and that I was planning to be in his city when he was away, but that there was a slight chance, I might be there when he is home for the month, next month.

    It’s been a week now, I haven’t seen him on skype, but I know that he’s seen my msg on facebook, and has been on facebook. I would think that he would respond right away if there was a chance that I could see him next month. But I have yet to hear from him.

    I’m wondering, if I should just let this go, and what his interest level is, given the distance, and the fact that we’ve only seen pictures of each other. It’s been a year since we began communicating, and we still haven’t been able to skype, and we’ve only exchanged short messages with often long periods of time in between them because he is slow to respond, and I’ve had to nudge him. Still, he show’s some interest. What do you think? I won’t contact him again, but what should I do if he writes? Continue talking despite the long wait times or just stop caring?

    Again, so sorry for the bible-length email! Thank you in advance for your help :)

  24. @Mermaid…..We apologize ahead of time for the short response. But in essence, the ball is in his court. He needs to show more interest than he’s showing. Right now you seem to be doing most of the work. That’s not a great way to start off a relationship. Pull back and see what he does. There’s nothing wrong with meeting up with him while you’re traveling. But keep your expectations low, and if you don’t really feel comfortable with him, make sure you meet him during the day in a public place until you get to know him better. Good luck.

  25. I was matched by my aunt to a guy who is 11 years my senior. he was such a nice gentlemen during our meeting and then we exchanged numbers as my aunt said so. he is an oversea worker. from the date we met until he left to work in states, he would text me hows it going…like that but only during night time around 9pm to 12am. he replies my message but it took long. he would compliment me at times that eventhough we only had few minutes of talking he knew I was a nicegirl, but the problem was henever ask me out again during the 2 week period before he left overseas. I like this guy but I want to know if he is interested on me or he friendzoned me. the night he was about to leave, I said to myself, if he would not give me his oversea number …I would justforget him. but unfortunately, he gave it to me. he texted me his number that if I wantto keep in touch, I can do so. hes now in states . he messaged me he was there already. he is very nice to me in text andin viber but I dont know ifhe is interested on me or just view me as a friend…if he only view me as friend and is nice to me only…id rather not waste my time on him. its long distance and I dont konw if chatting with him for 3 to 6 months is appropriate to know if he is interested in me or not. I hope you can help. tia

  26. I have one of those situations where i have confusion on whether a guy is interested or not. I’m going to refer to him as L. Well L and I first met when I was dating a friend of his 6 years ago. They both are in the Army which makes things quite difficult. My ex and I split 4 years ago and since then L has kept in contact with me. L was stationed in Germany the past 3 years I went down to visit him before he was sent to Germany because he asked me to. He’s always been there for me, always flirty and will poke fun at me in a playful way. He wanted me to come to Germany to visit but do to my circumstances I couldn’t go. He has attempted to work out a way to stop in Ohio to come see me but never fails that it doesn’t work out. He was relocated to Ft. Lewis Washington a month ago and has already asked me to come visit which I’m currently trying to work out a time. I’ve asked him to come see me as well but never know what the Army will do so he doesn’t know when he will get time away. And also his family is in TX so I don’t want to take away from his time to see his family. He knows I have a 2 yr old and he has made comments that. I need someone like him to step in a be a dad to my son, made comments about us seeing each other before we could get married things like that but will never just come out and say yeah I’m interested and I’m the kind of person that needs that certainty not dropped hints. I don’t know if I should take that seriously or not. We have talked pretty much everyday since he’s been in Washington. And I have told him I like him but he hasn’t said anything about that. I’ve had such terrible luck with guys in the past and I see him as being a good stable relationship and I would like it to go further. I’m just frustrated because I don’t know and I’m at a loss for what I can do to not scare him away from the “relationship” conversation. I will mention he is 30, not been in any kind of relationship the entire time I’ve known him and I’m just holding out hope that it will work. He’s always been that thought in my mind that maybe this is the man I’m suppose to end up with.

  27. @Sam…..We know you’re looking for some kind of reassurance that he’ll finally step up to the plate, but we can’t give that to you. We’re not saying he won’t, we’re just saying that you probably know better than we do. One thing we will say is that he might be uncertain how he feels about entering a relationship and becoming an instant “father.” Most guys would choose to start their own family rather than inherit one, at least as their first choice. (Although, many are happy doing both.) It also sounds like circumstance is getting in the way. Getting this going as a long distance, sporadic relationship is going to be difficult. One of you is going to have to take a risk and say how you’re feeling. It’s likely going to have to be you. It may not work out, but at least you’ll get the conversation started.

  28. Hi Guys,
    Cool site, and thanks for the responses below–I’m learning a lot. :) I have another similar question, I’m sure through everything below it has been answered but I’ll ask anyway. I met a guy through online dating about 8 months ago. We hit it off right away, BIG time. We talked every night on the phone, sometimes for hours and texted during the day. We live about 3 hours apart in different states, but he still came to visit often (at least twice a month) for the entire weekend and eventually around 3 mos. in I started to visit him. It was pretty intense–we told each other we loved each other, and he brought up the future a lot. I really thought we were on that track to being with each other–even the “M” word. However, he went through a really bad divorce, actually, the legal work was just finally closing up in about month 2 of us dating (although he had separated about a year before). Well after about month 4, our conversations started to dwindle, and become about very petty things. He wouldn’t call or text as often. I started to get a little frustrated that things weren’t moving forward, especially with how things had been going–he couldnt tell me what it is that he wanted with the relationship. I may have pressured him a bit but I just wanted to know what “we” were and where it was going. I also gave him the full opportunity, gently, to let me know if he just wanted to be friends or if he wasn’t ready for anything this serious then please just let me know, I’m open and I understand. Well, for whatever reason, he would always change the subject or go into how bad his divorce was. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I said I’m sorry but I can’t talk anymore until you let me know what it is you want (also I felt he needed time to move on). Well after a month I checked in w/him and not much had changed, so I said I want my heart back and ended it for good. Another couple months went by, and he started calling me again. Well, I have been hesitantly talking to him again for about a month, he calls regularly (3-4 times/week) and he came to visit once just for the day. I’m emotionally closed up and scared of what could happen, but at the same time, he really isn’t letting me go. Now he is talking seriously about moving here. I fear that the same thing will happen again…how do I know if this guy is serious? Our convos aren’t deep, they are just about day-to-day things, so sometimes I wonder, does he just want someone who will listen to him, or is he actually interested in me? We still have never had a serious talk about where we’re at. What gives?

  29. Hey guys! This site is great you are so so helpful. I have am in a similar situation as all of these ladies. So about 8 months ago I met this man on a plane. He was sitting behind me and passed me a note saying hello and that he though I was cute. We ended up passing letters back and forth the entire flight getting to know each other. After the flight we said good bye and added each other on Facebook. The problem is that he lives in Portland and I in Texas. A day later we started talking through Facebook message. He was very interested in everything about me and all I had to say and we had some pretty deep conversations. He was very serious about flying out here to meet me and almost bought a ticket but then I told him we should wait because I was still very busy with school and could t really get time off. We continued to talk and get to know each other talking almost every day for the first 3 months then we started texting every other day. Last weekend I flew out there last minute and booked a hotel for the weekend. We met up the first night and he was amazing. Did the whole date thing paid for my dinner and the talking was good and hung out all night and took me to meet his friends. We messed around but he respected me when I said I wanted to wait. Then the next morning was very cuddly and wanted me to stay with him the remainder of the trip. We did end up having sex and we hung out the rest of the weekend together and had an amazing time. He was very cute and boyfriend like in his actions. Holding my hand every chance he got even in the car and blah blah. The last day he took me to the airport and gave me a thousand kisses and said he couldn’t wait till August when I told him I would be up there to visit friends. He also told me he kept our notes from the plane in his bedside drawer. Since then we have been talking everyday almost all day and he seems to me like all his signals say that he is very interested in me but I am so confused on what he wants really. Is he looking for a relationship do you think? Because it seems like he really likes me. But now he can’t visit me anymore because of his new job which is very demanding. But he makes it seem like he really really likes me. I’m so confused and would love some insight because I really like this guy.

  30. Dear Guys, I met this guy at a convention we were both volunteering at and we talked a lot over the time we were working. I really liked him, but the only problem is that he lives around 4 hours away from me. I’m usually pretty shy, and he said that he is as well, but I didn’t have any problems talking to him, and he seemed the same way. He mentioned during a conversation we had that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and I also told him that I was single. We exchanged numbers as part of a work-related situation, so I’m not sure how he would react to me contacting him, but I really want to keep in touch and hopefully become more than friends. Also, the convention ended very recently. What should I do?

  31. @AR……Why don’t you wait to see if he contacts you. If he doesn’t, send him a friendly text and see how he responds. Remember, you want him to initiate moving forward. That way you really know how he feels. Good luck.

  32. Dear Guyz,
    I had a crush on a guy when i was 14, he did have a crush on me too and was like 3 classes a head of me, he picked out to dance with him when ever we had dances and i shared my first kiss with him. He went abroad shortly and all communication died out but i did think of him through the years.
    When i was 25 i got married and moved on but at the beginning of this year, l walked out on my marriage for some reasons and moved to another country. I contacted this guy ‘ my fisrt crush’ after looking him up on the internet, he seemed to be excited to hear from requested for my number and promised to call me in a few days. Unfortunately because of too much excitement i kept smsing him all the time, he did reply but the call didnot come in untill after a month. When we did call he said we should take it one day at a time and see where it leads, he even promised he would come out to visit me in december and we would talk in person. My problem is i am the one who initiates all the contact, i sms him at least every day and he does reply but he never contacts me first its eating me up should i just ignore him?

  33. @AW…..If he isn’t the one to initiate then you’ll never know how he really feels. So yes, ignore him until he steps up to the plate. ps. We’re sorry about your marriage. Take care.

  34. shygirl // July 23, 2013 at 7:30 am //

    Dear guys, what does it mean when a guy messaged you… “lots of guys too will be lucky to be with you.” Does it point out he friend zoned me?

    I have been in constant im messaging with him since the time he left for work at states. We maintain contact through im messengers but due to time difference …thats the only.means of communication we have. I would usually initiate but he would too sometimes. He always reply which made me think if he is interesred on me on just being nice…pls help me thankyou.

  35. @ShyGirl…..That’s our interpretation as well. Why don’t you let him initiate contact? That will give you a better sense of how he thinks. Of course if he’s not pushing to see you it’s likely he sees you as a friend.

  36. Samantha // July 29, 2013 at 12:39 am //

    Dear Guys, I guess I could use some help/advice on my situation even if it’s just to ease my mind. I was on a dating site for a few months, and no one really caught my interest.. one night I was just browsing the site when I came across someone who appeared to be an excellent match, I loved his profile, and we seemed to have a lot of common interest and outlooks on life. The down part– he lived a good three hours away. I figured what would hurt to message him, I’ve never attempted a long distance relationship, but I was open minded about it. I shot him a message late at night, and the next morning I heard back from him. We started having a great conversation on the site and after exchanging mails for about two days, we decided to take it to text. The distance had been brought up, but he seemed fine with it since he asked me for my number. We talked for a week, and we’re really getting along, we have a lot in common and we’re texting all day, everyday. Eventually, we start to flirt a little with each other, which he’d also say things like the distance sucked, and that he would wish I could go over there, which the feeling was mutual, but I’m currently unemployed and seeking work, so I can’t currently afford to go there whenever right now, but there are affordable ways of transportation that I can take, so it’s not impossible once I do get a job. After awhile he starts giving me <3's and I reply to them with the same, because I was really starting to like the guy, and the feeling seemed to be mutual. We decided we wanted to meet, and eventually we were able to set up a date. Originally I was supose to only be there for two days, but a few days later he expressed he wanted me to stay for a five days, which I was okay with.. it made the gas money worth while. So now flash forward to the day before the meeting, he seems thrilled and excited for the following day, and I too am pretty stoked, I didn't sleep that night pretty much and left early in the morning to arrive at a reasonable hour. You might say I might've moved too quickly by agreeing to sleepover his house for a week, but I felt really comfortable with him, like I'd known him for years, so it really didn't feel all that strange to me. So I arrive at his place, we hug and proceed inside. We hit it off pretty well on the first day, we had lovely conversation when I got there, and since neither of us had slept much the night before, we decided to cuddle up and watch a few movies together. It was nice and I really enjoyed it, I liked his company and he was pretty much exactly how he was when we were texting and such. We were up pretty late for people who didn't sleep the night before, so we were pretty tired and went to sleep, in the same bed but nothing happened, and I had no expectations of sex happening, I was really just going to go with the flow, we actuallty barely talked about sex throughout the whole thing. So the next day we go to the movies, and the movie was good, everything was going great still, went out for food, went back to his place to indulge in more movies. We didn't have much to financially go out and do touristy things, so I really didn't mind watching movies, I actually fully expected many movies to be watched. After two movies, he pretty much asked if I wanted to have sexy time with him. I'm a pretty shy girl, but I felt we really had a connection, and I figured, why not? I've never done something so spur of the moment. It didn't go so great, due to me being shy, sexy time didn't happen. I felt really bad about it and tried to turn the surpemely awkward moment into something positive.. It just didn't start the way I'm used to it starting, and it was pretty awkward for both parties, he said it felt forced and he didn't want to continue on, which I told him many times that it wasn't forced and that I'm just naturally shy at first, I usually makeout with someone before they see me naked and vise versa. It wasn't a complete turn off for me, because sex isn't everything, and the first time with someone new can be awkward especially if you're a little shy at first like me. I think we both tried to continue on acting like the whole thing never happened. So we go back to watching the movie we were in the middle of before all of that went down in the first place. The next day he pretty much played on his computer all day, from the time we woke up till the time he went to sleep, which was a few hours after I had decided I was ready for sleep. He seemed really disinterested in me the last three days I was there, he seemed very distant and I really didn't know how to react. He talked to me and seemed like he wanted me there, but the signals were very mixed. So the day comes for me to leave, and I left in the evening, before I left I gave him a hug, and he seemed like he wanted me to kiss him. So I said "you know you wanna give me some love" and I laughed, which he then leaned in for a kiss, so I gave him a kiss and I was on my way. I figured maybe I hurt his ego a little with the whole sex thing that happened but I was hoping that didn't affect anything because I'm generally less shy once I get more comfortable with a person, which happens pretty quickly once they see me naked, there's really no point in being shy after that, so really the hard part was over for him when it came down to sexy time. Once I got home, everything still seemed to be like it was before I left, for like two days.. Then the communication drastically changed, I asked him if he was still interested and poked him to ensure him that I was infact still interested in pursuing a relationship with him, all I needed was a job and I would've been unstoppable. He kept telling me it was fine and that he was still interested and he was just dealing with a lot of stress at work and a financial situation had cropped up unexpectedly that he was dealing with. I gave him his space and didn't really text him much for a few days to give him sometime to get his situation in order. I just spent five days with him, so I didn't mind giving him the space he needed. After like two days of silence, I asked him if his feelings had changed and if he was still interested because I didn't want to continue to pursue him if he was no longer interested. He pretty much said due to work, money and living situation he didn't feel he could do a long distance relationship. He said it had nothing to do with the sex thing, that he liked me for who I was and cared about me, but told himself he wasn't going to do another long distance relationship again, and yet found himself trying to do it, and then discovered he didn't think it was financially possible. He had a LDR with someone who lived thousands of miles away for a couple years, and she ended up dumping him, and I believe he had one that lasted a few years before that which was also LDR, but I don't know of the distance, or if he was dumped.. I did react badly at first, I didn't curse him out or anything, I just told him I didn't care and that he wasted my time and money, which wasn't true, and I did apologize for my reaction and was able to talk to him like an adult about it. He still claims that its sheerly distance and money are his issues and he doesn't feel he is mentally or emotionally ready for another LDR. I can understand him being a little scared to have another LDR, especially if they ended badly in the past, which I believe they did. I'm a very loyal person, and I really believe I could not only make the LDR work, but make it last too. I wouldn't want to carry on a LDR for five years or anything, maybe a year or two at most, but with frequent travel like twice a month, which I'm sure didn't happen in his past relationships. I was willing to relocate if he didn't want to! We don't really talk much, just because the whole thing kinda made me sad. I miss talking to him, and I'm not sure if the feeling is mutual.. I deleted him from my facebook when I was originally over reacting, and I totally regret it, but I still have his number, and he hasn't said anything about never contacting him again. Actually last I spoke to him I told him I'd leave him alone because I didn't want to make the whole conversation drag out, which he said it didn't have to be so cut and dry (really not sure what that meant) and that it was a really good experience and hoped I felt the same way. Which I replied I wasn't really sure how to feel, but I'd get over it. But something keeps telling me I should try to be a little more persistant. He's the first guy that I've been seriously interested in, in a very long time, and I really don't want the distance to be the end all be all, and I'd very much like to have him reconsider, but I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to force him to date me. He said he didn't think it would be fair for me if he forced himself to try and make something work that he didn't already have any confidence in. But I have a lot of confidence in it, and I wouldn't dump him unless I was given a damn good reason, and I think that what hes scared of, investing emotionally and mentally into someone and then they dump him after a few years. So here we are, back on the same dating site.. nobody has messaged him, and I'm constantly spammed with people I have little to no interest, should I even bother to try to convincee/be persistant and ensure that it won't end like the rest as long as hes willing to stick with me through thick and thin? Should I attempt to at least be casual friends with him, like readding him back to facebook and stuff to remain constant in his life? Not for attention, but I really do miss him and his personality, I felt like I really got to know him! A huge part of me silently hopes he changes his mind and gives me a chance, but I remain doubtful, which is why I probably have the urge to be proactive about it.

    I'm sorry this was so long, but I just like I needed to give a detailed story as to what happened exactly so you can have some insight as to everything that has happened so far. I want to put my mind at ease because it feels like its going a million miles a minute, and I just want it to stop thinking about him if all hope is really lost. I would just shoot him a message, but I don't want him to feel pressured, but I'm also not sure if hes looking for me to be more persistant to win him over or not on the whole LDR thing. I did tell him that I didn't want to talk him into anything, but I realllly do!!

    Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, and any advice/information for a guys perspective would be appreciated!!

  37. @Samantha……..There’s not much you can do. The two of you tried. You made the effort. And it just didn’t work out for whatever reason. We doubt it has anything to do with his work or the distance. Something didn’t feel right to him. I could have been the sex, but it’s possible he’s one of these people who fall in love with the idea of love, but when it became a reality he wasn’t so sure. We’re sorry. We suggest you try to put this behind you, learn from it, and move on. Even though you’re frustrated and upset by this. We are truly sorry, but he’s not the guy for you. But that guy is out there. Keep the faith.

  38. Samantha // July 29, 2013 at 4:00 pm //


    As much as he said the sex thing wasn’t the reason, a huge part of me felt like I was doomed the moment the sex didn’t take place. Especially because his job and financial situation weren’t a problem or issue until after I got back from meeting him. I have already learned from this experience and I plan to move on with my life, without him being a part of it.. I was doing just fine without him before I met him, I guess it was just disappointing to me. But I’m going to put on my big girl panties, build a bridge and get over it, he’s really not worth it to dwell on. I know there’s someone better out there for me.

    Thanks so much for having this website around and trying to help people who are in similar situations as myself looking for a male prospective, and for taking the time to read my wall of words. I really appreciate the help and information that has taken place on this site, please keep up the good work!

  39. @Samantha……You’re welcome. Good luck and keep in touch. Spread the word about us if you could.

  40. HopefullyConfused // September 22, 2013 at 5:42 pm //

    Hi Guys! So I’m 17 and I met pretty much the guy of my dreams (also 17) at a camp this summer. The catch, he lives in a different state. We text occasionally, but I am always the one to start the conversation. He did start one, but in response to a text I sent him the previous day.

    He said he doesn’t text much, but he always replies to mine within a few hours maximum. We have some things in common, but I am afraid to ask more about him in case he thinks I’m prying or creepy, or even what to ask him about. I also don’t know if he even wants to talk to me, or if he is just being nice. I don’t want to bother him, but he is a great guy.

    I don’t have ANY experience in dating or flirting in any way shape or form, and I don’t know how to go about hinting that I like him.

    At the camp, we spent basically the whole week together. I feel more comfortable hanging out with guys, and so I ended up being the only girl for most meals at his table. He called me “A rose among thorns”, we have some inside jokes, but I am so confused! Everyone else could see I liked him, and my roommates said it was obvious that he liked me, but he hasn’t initiated anything.

    He is applying to service academies (Air Force, Army, Navy) and so am I, so that is the brunt of our conversations. He isn’t the typical “player” type. He is really caring, so I don’t know if he is just humoring me by replying, or if he is just nervous about texting me.

    Guys, what is your advice?

  41. Hi Guys! Could use some male perspective on my situation. I met a guy through a friend of a friend over the summer and we hit it off immediately. We went on our first date 3 days later and it was absolutely the best first date I’ve ever had, for no reason other than the company. We continued to date for 5 weeks, pretty seriously. He was attentive and caring, and it all felt so easy and organic and comfortable. He was great at communicating, always asked me out, etc. I was introduced to his friends, and he to mine. Without having any kind of conversation in which we labeled what we were doing, it felt like we were in a relationship. So here’s the problem: he was working in the city I live in for the summer, but he is in grad school across the country. We’re from the same city, so he’ll be back for December break. Towards the end of the 5 weeks, we were seeing each other every day. I was headed off for a vacation, and he had to take care of some things at school, but was planning a return to our city. He made mention several times of trying to swing his return so that he would come back when I was back from my vacation, which in fact happened. We texted every day while I was away. I returned from my trip and we essentially spent the majority of the week together until he had to leave to return to school (this time until December). We never really had any full-on conversations about the situation and what our plan was going to be once he went back to school. There were little comments here and there about how he was sad to have to leave me, that he wished he could stay in the city, etc. The morning that he had to leave I felt the need to attempt to clarify what was going on. I asked him what we were doing and when we would see each other again. When he answered with December, I asked him what he would think of me visiting him. He seemed a bit taken aback, but replied that yes, I should. I was a little thrown by his lack of enthusiasm, so I quickly took that suggestion off the table. He suggested we talk about expectations and said he wants to be in a relationship with me but just doesn’t know if it makes sense to be in a long-distance relationship when we’re so far away. As I literally stood on the street, putting him in a cab off to the airport, the last thing he said to me was that I should come visit. So off he was, back at school. Suddenly we went from talking/seeing each other every day to very inconsistent and one-sided (from me) communication. He always responds, but I immediately felt distant from him, and not just because we were literally miles and miles apart. I suggested to talk on the phone to catch up, and we did and it seemed normal. But then I didn’t really hear from him again and started to second guess everything. I asked to talk to him again to clarify what we were doing, and we had a phone conversation in which he ultimately said he was really glad to have met me, but he couldn’t justify a LD relationship off of only 2 months of dating. That he would be sad if we didn’t talk, and that he wanted to see me when he was in our city in December. I got emotional and upset and the conversation ended with us saying it was “to be determined” and we would talk about it again. We didn’t talk for around a week and a half but then it was his birthday so I reached out to wish him a happy birthday. We then spoke (via text) on and off for a couple of weeks, and things started to feel normal again. He reached out to let me know he’ll be working in our city next summer. I once again suggested we talk on the phone and we caught up for over an hour. It felt normal and it was great talking to him. This was over a week ago. I reached out once via text and he responded within 10 minutes, but he still isn’t taking the initiative that he did before. So I guess here are my questions/issues — do you think he’s interested? confused? still readjusting to being back at school? He went from being so attentive and communicative when we were in the same place that it obviously concerns me that that has changed. We also never established how we wanted to communicate, so maybe I am just expecting too much from him? We’ve never gone more than a week and half without talking in some capacity, but I guess it just feels so weird to me when we were so close for such a compressed, intense period of time. I know he wants to see me in December, but I can’t help but think I’ll just be reinforcing a bad pattern in which we’re “on” when we’re in the same place, and then “off” during the in-between. I’m not sure I’m okay with that, but I really like him and feel invested in whatever it is that we started. Any words of wisdom or insight is greatly appreciated!

  42. Dear guys, I so much need your advice, I’ve never been in relationship, and live in Eastern European country,so know very little of what happens in American guy’s mind.
    This is the story. I’ve met this guy through dating site, messaged him first and we had rather long conversations there, though he didn’t ask me about myself a lot, to me that seemed that he didn’t want to know me more. That’s obvious isn’t it? So, being very impatient, I wrote that I’m deleting my profile and if he wants to stay in touch he can contact me and gave him my phone number to find me on IM ,if he doesn’t – no pressure though. He said that he doesn’t use that IM and gave his email. Still I wanted to see some initiating from him and replied back leaving my mail,so that to see if he writes first,which he did. That sounds so childish to me now;) since then we emailed each other,and he replies back within 2-3 hours after my message. I consider it rather quick as we live in different countries with 11 hours difference in time zones.
    But apart from his quick replies I see very few things that might tell me he’s interested. He doesn’t suggest skyping, and still doesn’t ask something personal about me. After not receiving any signs from him,I stopped sending flirty messages, now staying on a safe side, trying to leave things as they are and see what happens. Once I said I’m glad I met him before deleting my profile on that dating site and wish we have dinner someday,somewhere. He replied back that if I make it to the States he’d be willing to at least meet with me ,and that doesn’t have to be the town where he leaves, he could take a flight for a weekend,working for airline that would be like catching a bus for him. I didnt commented on that in my next letter, but it warmed my heart a lot!
    I know it is too early to say about the feelings,but what I need to know if there’s some interest or he is staying just nice and polite with me. Then why he just doesn’t stop writing me at all? Or as by some nice guys codecs if a girl initiated a messaging she should end it herself?

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