Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

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Dear Guys,

Please enlighten me!

I met a guy through work almost a year ago that I really like and would like to get to know better. We live in different states, and communicate via text, IM, and e-mails.

Typically I am the one who initiates the conversation (not always), but he ALWAYS responds no matter how random the message. Also, he sent me a pic when I requested one. Would a guy do that if he weren’t interested? Or is he just being nice, and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings??  I even told him once that I felt he was giving off mixed signals and it was okay if he wasn’t interested…I’m a big girl and can handle it, blah, blah, blah. Instead of confirming or denying interest, he asked what I meant and that he didn’t think he was doing that.

All of the guys I’ve asked so far have said the same thing…that no one is that nice. If he wasn’t interested there is no way he would keep responding, especially for this long.

My girlfriends all say very different things ranging from “he’s interested” to “he has a girlfried” to “you are reading more into it”, etc.

Guys, What do you think??  Is he interested, or am I reading more into the situation than there is because I want there to be more??

Is it possible that we are both too guarded and cautious and waiting for a more direct and honest approach before opening up to each other? If that’s the case should I write a letter and put it all out there, or is that too desperate? I am desperate for the truth, not for a boyfriend…(I get asked out all the time), but there is just something about this guy that has captured my attention.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!



Dear AJ,

Thanks for your question.

Typically if a guy doesn’t take the initiative to move a “relationship” forward we would say he’s probably not interested. However in your case, since it is a long distance situation, that maxim doesn’t apply.

How confident do you think this guy is? From our point of view it’s hard to say. Sure, he might be savvy via text and email but that doesn’t mean he feels comfortable closing the deal. And when you factor in your work connection, he may be at a loss on the best way to proceed.

When a guy asks a woman to marry him he’s usually pretty certain that she’ll say yes. A non sequitur? Not really. Because some guys want this same level of certainty even before they ask a girl out on a date. (Think high school) Maybe their ego can’t handle rejection? Either way, this particular type of guy needs some help. Your guy may fall into this group.

We agree with your guy friends. We don’t think he’d be wasting his time for this long unless he was interested in you in some way. But if that’s true we can also see why you’re confused. You’re probably wondering, ‘What is taking him so long? Why is he not asking me out? What’s his deal?’ And that’s why we understand where your girlfriends are coming from too. He’s a bit of a mystery.

So here’s what we think. This guy needs you to be the one to take the risk. Of course, really, what is the risk? Rejection? Embarrassment? Those are only risks for a person who lacks inner strength. Sure it’s never fun to be rejected, but what’s the worst that can happen here? Not much really. You feel crappy for a bit and then you move on. But at least you’ll get the information you’re seeking.

However, we don’t think you should write him a “tell all” letter. Just let him know you’re interested in more than a text/IM relationship. You could drop hints, but why be ambiguous? Tell him directly that you find him intriguing and let him know you’d be open if he wanted to arrange a visit, etc.

But DON’T do the asking yourself. He’s got to take some initiative. You’re basically doing 90% of the work here anyway. If he can’t do the last 10% then he’s not who you think he is.

Good luck. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here as well. And please also keep us posted. You’ve piqued our curiosity. We want to know how this turns out.


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15 Comments on Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

  1. @ One of the guys-And as far as talking to other women..it sort of matters to e because he swears he doesn’t go out or anything else. All brought up by him voluntarily. I never asked. Maybe that’s the problem. He brought it up.

  2. @Annie…..Understood. We’re sorry you’re feeling fragile right now……Here’s where we stand on your situation. He’s courted you for 6 months, but it’s all been from a distance. Which means, it’s hard for either one of you to know what the other person is up to. He could be courting you AND talking to other women. (We’re not saying he is, it’s just the nature of your situation.) It’s clear you’re already emotionally invested in this guy. If you’re worried about getting more hurt, then maybe you’re not quite ready to jump back into the game yet. (Just a thought) Because as you know, the nature of dating/relationships makes you vulnerable. It’s just how it is. So you might want to give this some more thought, especially now that you’re not completely trusting him. (His inconsistent communication would give us slight pause as well.)

  3. @ One of the guys- I probably should point out he’s in the military so his schedule is I’m sure not his own and he does have children. He mentioned he’s separated but who knows if true. I trusted up until this past week for some reason. Maybe because I was having a low self esteem moment or something. Had a “you’re foolish to think someone like him would ever be solely and truly interested in someone like you” thought followed by an ” I guess you just weren’t good enough” thought she. I saw him online so much. And honestly I couldn’t say if he was online like that a lot before. I didn’t even look. It was more this time because he told me he only used Skype to talk to me and his sister. Brought up by him not me. I thought that’s a lot of talking to your sister. He knows I can see it. I’ve been out of my past relationship for almost a year and there was no issue of cheating. I made the mistake of watching a Catfish episode where the guy was thought to be an Internet player and it snowballed from there.
    I know if he truthfully has a soon to be ex that can cause a lot of drama and be time consuming. I also have learned Skype is notorious for showing online statuses incorrectly. I’ve tested it myself. I think because he’s coming here now and we might meet I freaked. I know if I see him in person that will either alleviate or substantiate my fears. Skype is useful to see someone and know it’s really them but to feel emotion or pick up on subtle nuances is hard since the screen freezes every two seconds or video/audio goes…calls drop etc. I just started feeling a little more emotion that I was expecting and my logic is that someone wouldn’t waste the time and effort into something long distance for this long if they didn’t think it could go somewhere. Or if they didn’t want it to. At least I wouldn’t. Unsure if how men think on this subject, I would think its a lot easier to focus on closer if all you’re looking for is a “good time”. Maybe I’m wrong?

  4. @ One of the guys- he’s just made some comments that made me think I was the only one. Like correcting me about how long we’ve talked. I thought less time. And reminding me he deleted his dating profile 2 days after we started talking.

  5. @One of the guys- and now that I stop and think about it. The distance started about a month and a half ago when I upset him. I did something really stupid and he questioned me on it. I apologized profusely and he said he’d get over it. But it was a couple of weeks before I heard from him again. Since then it’s been better but it what I would like. Maybe it’s normal for someone you never met though.

  6. @Annie….Right now you’re mind is spinning, trying to figure out what he’s thinking, doing. Bu you’re just driving yourself nuts. Our suggestion would be to remain open to him—if indeed you really see potential—and just see what happens when you actually meet. You’ll get more answers when you see him in the flesh. As per your question about “booty call” and would guys put this much effort into something they weren’t interested in. Well, that depends. If he’s got nothing else going on, or if he has other non-serious things going on, or if he’s going through stressful times, then sure, he might invest some time, even if he wasn’t sure how serious he was. If he’s dealing with an ex, kids, job, he might actually prefer to be talking with someone who doesn’t live where he lives. Less complicated. Why don’t you just wait and see.

  7. @ One of the Guys-I guess that’s really all I can do at this point is wait. And see if and when I hear from him again. My problem was and is that I allowed myself to become attached more than I had planned. But negativity crept in and took hold of my brain. I’m sure part of it is nerves and part is that I don’t really know him all that well. I just thought I did. I guess I just wanted an uninterested outside male observer’s opinion on the whole situation. Thank you for that.

  8. @ One of the Guys-Funny I just read one of the questions about an online thing where the guy masturbated over the phone. The guy I’m talking to has done that twice via Skype. Took him a long time to do it and it has only been twice. We’ve talked and Skyped several times without any type of sexual talk at all. Just struck me as interesting. LOL I actually looked at the date and to see where they were to see if it might be same guy.

  9. @Annie……Now that would have been interesting if it was the same guy……Try to stop second-guessing yourself and see how it goes, it may end up being great. That said, if you do end up seeing him, just keep your eyes open, in case he’s only looking for a booty call. It’s hard to say at this point. Keep us posted.

  10. @ One of the guys-Thank you so much! I will! I really appreciate you responding so quickly too.

  11. @One of the guys-Well and update of sorts. The guy I’d been talking to for about 6 months finally came back down to my area yesterday. He will be here for 2 months for work. He drove down yesterday from his family’s house and pretty much messaged me nonstop the whole time. When he got to my area he messaged to ask if he could meet me to say hi. He took a pretty major detour off his route to do so and still had about an hour and a half to go travel time (mostly because of traffic)I did meet up with him and we spent about an hour and a half together before I suggested he might want to get back on the road so it wasn’t midnight before he arrived. Since our conversations on Skype and online have been sexual in nature at times he did manage to secure a few kisses while we were together. Nothing else though. I thought maybe I’d have a better sense after meeting him what was up but I feel even more confused than before. Maybe I’m weird in the fact I wouldn’t go so far out of my way in time and effort (or travel) if I wasn’t really interested in anything. Thoughts?

  12. Hi guys!
    So I’m in a similar situation and need advice on what to do..
    So I met this guy in November while we were both on vacation in another city in Europe. We met that night and we kissed and really connected. We exchanged numbers and after that we texted and talked on the phone everyday all day long from morning till we went to sleep… for months. We live in different countries about 2500 km from each other. He travels a lot for work but rarely to where I live.

    He talked about meeting up again from the beginning. He was coming to a city near mine a week later but I was unable to join him. So he asked me if I would meet him up in 4 months in the same city where we first met.. I suggested that maybe we should meet sooner so we started planning for me to come see him in his city (which is way more exotic then mine :) ). We were just about to book the ticket when I had to cancel due to work. (The truth is I got cold feet because I had just broken up with my ex of 6 years and it felt wrong. I had a boyfriend at the time and he knew that, but it was ending with him and I moved out soon after I met this guy…

    Anyway we started planning again and we were supposed to meet in the middle but then the text messages got shorter and he would take hours and days to reply… he seemed off and less romantic. At the begging I thought that he was just busy so I didn’t worry too much but after a while I knew something was wrong. So the talking about meeting up just faded… and I never booked that ticket to the city where we first met either… He kind of disappeared on me. I didn’t confront him about it, it just kind of ended. I was in fact devastated and really sad… but then again I thought I was the one who actually stood him up 3 times. Maybe that was how he saw it?

    Ok, so we didn’t talk much for a while after that but we started again as if nothing ever happened. This time more casual and friendly. I started talking about meeting up again and I finally booked a trip to his city with a friend for holidays. And we went there about 2 weeks ago. He was really sweet and suggested we had dinner, he booked a table at a restaurant and his friends joined us later and we had really fun! And yes we had sex and it was great :) the day after he asked to see me again and we did. He talked about coming to my city and asked if I would go on a holiday with him this winter…

    We have been texting since I got back but not as much as I would have liked. I thought maybe it would get back to the way it was before if only I showed that I cared (by coming there). He later asked me by text when we’re going to meet up again. I answered: soon I hope. We haven’t talked about it since…

    In the begging of all of this he was really flirty and texted “good morning” and “good night” texts all the time. But he doesn’t anymore. When he texts it’s more to keep in touch and to ask if I’m ok.. He sometimes takes hours or days to answer and he hasn’t asked more about meeting again. He is really busy with work. I get that.. but he was busy before too and he still had time to text all day long.

    I get that this thing is a little crazy, I mean why would I want to start something with someone who lives so far from me but I really like him and I want to see him again.. I guess what I’m asking is do you think he would keep in touch if he wasn’t interested and do you think he just lost patience with me cause I kind of stood him up? Is writing to be polite and not to hurt my feelings? And what about the changing in his texting habits? Was I too forward coming there to see him? And finely, I want us to have a plan to meet again, otherwise I don’t see the point in keeping in touch.. how do I get him to suggest a meeting? Cause it is his turn right?

    Would really appreciate some kind of help here! Thanks and sorry about the long email and all the questions! :)
    Best regards

  13. @SM……We don’t get the sense he’s keeping in touch with you just to be nice, but we also don’t get the sense he’s as “all in” the way you seem to be. It could be because he doesn’t completely trust you. It could be that he removed himself emotionally after you stood him up a few times. It could be that he doesn’t see the point of getting involved in a long distance relationship, well, other than some friendly conversation, flirting, and casual sex. Questions: What countries are the two of you from? How old are the two of you? What does he do for work? You?……..We agree with you. It’s his turn. If he sees possibility here he should be the one asking when he can come see you. In fact, he should be taking more initiative than you. (At least, that’s our opinion.) And being busy with work is just an excuse, and a lame one at that.

  14. @One of the guys- thank so much for your answer!
    Yeah I get what you mean, I wasn’t always totally honest with him about my boyfriend and I’m sure he felt that. I guess, in the beginning these things are easy and casual, I wasn’t all that into it, it was him pursuing me, a lot. I just thought it was fun! And then when he started withdrawing I think I panicked or something… and it got me thinking that I let something go that could have been great.

    I’m 30 and he’s 28. I live in Sweden and he lives in Istanbul. I work with marketing and he’s an engineer for a big international firm. We never really talked about this beeing something serious but he told me he really likes me and wanted to give it a shot (was I naïve to believe that?). But of course now I have feelings for him and they didn’t get any less strong by seeing him again, rather the opposite. But it’s not the rational me thinking it’s the romantic me that wants something exciting :)

    Also, I casually brought it up when I was there and he said he lost hope that we would ever meet and it just seemed pointless I guess.. and that now that I came things changed. But I can’t feel that it changed that much. Or am I putting too much importance in how much he texts me? I mean we have been in contact almost every day for more than 6 months… ?

    Ok, so I shouldn’t bring it up with him in some way? I should just continue the casual texting and wait for him to bring the meeting up thing up? And if he doesn’t?

    I just feel empty letting go I guess, especially without talking with him about it…

    Thanks again! :)

  15. @SM…..Thanks for filling us in. It would be nice if he initiated a visit, but that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to him about how you feel, even if he doesn’t. Maybe even explain to him why you acted how you did initially, but how you feel differently now. Or send him an actual letter telling him your thoughts/feelings. What do you have to lose really? Our rule is: If you’re having sex, it’s not too early to discuss the relationship. In fact, he might actually be happy that you’re bringing it up. That said, he should still be the one to initiate the next trip and he should be the one making the effort to come and see you. Hopefully he will if you talk to him. What do you think? Any other questions?

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