Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

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Dear Guys,

Please enlighten me!

I met a guy through work almost a year ago that I really like and would like to get to know better. We live in different states, and communicate via text, IM, and e-mails.

Typically I am the one who initiates the conversation (not always), but he ALWAYS responds no matter how random the message. Also, he sent me a pic when I requested one. Would a guy do that if he weren’t interested? Or is he just being nice, and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings??  I even told him once that I felt he was giving off mixed signals and it was okay if he wasn’t interested…I’m a big girl and can handle it, blah, blah, blah. Instead of confirming or denying interest, he asked what I meant and that he didn’t think he was doing that.

All of the guys I’ve asked so far have said the same thing…that no one is that nice. If he wasn’t interested there is no way he would keep responding, especially for this long.

My girlfriends all say very different things ranging from “he’s interested” to “he has a girlfried” to “you are reading more into it”, etc.

Guys, What do you think??  Is he interested, or am I reading more into the situation than there is because I want there to be more??

Is it possible that we are both too guarded and cautious and waiting for a more direct and honest approach before opening up to each other? If that’s the case should I write a letter and put it all out there, or is that too desperate? I am desperate for the truth, not for a boyfriend…(I get asked out all the time), but there is just something about this guy that has captured my attention.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,

AJ

Dear AJ,

Thanks for your question.

Typically if a guy doesn’t take the initiative to move a “relationship” forward we would say he’s probably not interested. However in your case, since it is a long distance situation, that maxim doesn’t apply.

How confident do you think this guy is? From our point of view it’s hard to say. Sure, he might be savvy via text and email but that doesn’t mean he feels comfortable closing the deal. And when you factor in your work connection, he may be at a loss on the best way to proceed.

When a guy asks a woman to marry him he’s usually pretty certain that she’ll say yes. A non sequitur? Not really. Because some guys want this same level of certainty even before they ask a girl out on a date. (Think high school) Maybe their ego can’t handle rejection? Either way, this particular type of guy needs some help. Your guy may fall into this group.

We agree with your guy friends. We don’t think he’d be wasting his time for this long unless he was interested in you in some way. But if that’s true we can also see why you’re confused. You’re probably wondering, ‘What is taking him so long? Why is he not asking me out? What’s his deal?’ And that’s why we understand where your girlfriends are coming from too. He’s a bit of a mystery.

So here’s what we think. This guy needs you to be the one to take the risk. Of course, really, what is the risk? Rejection? Embarrassment? Those are only risks for a person who lacks inner strength. Sure it’s never fun to be rejected, but what’s the worst that can happen here? Not much really. You feel crappy for a bit and then you move on. But at least you’ll get the information you’re seeking.

However, we don’t think you should write him a “tell all” letter. Just let him know you’re interested in more than a text/IM relationship. You could drop hints, but why be ambiguous? Tell him directly that you find him intriguing and let him know you’d be open if he wanted to arrange a visit, etc.

But DON’T do the asking yourself. He’s got to take some initiative. You’re basically doing 90% of the work here anyway. If he can’t do the last 10% then he’s not who you think he is.

Good luck. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here as well. And please also keep us posted. You’ve piqued our curiosity. We want to know how this turns out.

THE GUYS

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11 Comments on Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

  1. @ One of the guys-And as far as talking to other women..it sort of matters to e because he swears he doesn’t go out or anything else. All brought up by him voluntarily. I never asked. Maybe that’s the problem. He brought it up.

  2. @Annie…..Understood. We’re sorry you’re feeling fragile right now……Here’s where we stand on your situation. He’s courted you for 6 months, but it’s all been from a distance. Which means, it’s hard for either one of you to know what the other person is up to. He could be courting you AND talking to other women. (We’re not saying he is, it’s just the nature of your situation.) It’s clear you’re already emotionally invested in this guy. If you’re worried about getting more hurt, then maybe you’re not quite ready to jump back into the game yet. (Just a thought) Because as you know, the nature of dating/relationships makes you vulnerable. It’s just how it is. So you might want to give this some more thought, especially now that you’re not completely trusting him. (His inconsistent communication would give us slight pause as well.)

  3. @ One of the guys- I probably should point out he’s in the military so his schedule is I’m sure not his own and he does have children. He mentioned he’s separated but who knows if true. I trusted up until this past week for some reason. Maybe because I was having a low self esteem moment or something. Had a “you’re foolish to think someone like him would ever be solely and truly interested in someone like you” thought followed by an ” I guess you just weren’t good enough” thought she. I saw him online so much. And honestly I couldn’t say if he was online like that a lot before. I didn’t even look. It was more this time because he told me he only used Skype to talk to me and his sister. Brought up by him not me. I thought that’s a lot of talking to your sister. He knows I can see it. I’ve been out of my past relationship for almost a year and there was no issue of cheating. I made the mistake of watching a Catfish episode where the guy was thought to be an Internet player and it snowballed from there.
    I know if he truthfully has a soon to be ex that can cause a lot of drama and be time consuming. I also have learned Skype is notorious for showing online statuses incorrectly. I’ve tested it myself. I think because he’s coming here now and we might meet I freaked. I know if I see him in person that will either alleviate or substantiate my fears. Skype is useful to see someone and know it’s really them but to feel emotion or pick up on subtle nuances is hard since the screen freezes every two seconds or video/audio goes…calls drop etc. I just started feeling a little more emotion that I was expecting and my logic is that someone wouldn’t waste the time and effort into something long distance for this long if they didn’t think it could go somewhere. Or if they didn’t want it to. At least I wouldn’t. Unsure if how men think on this subject, I would think its a lot easier to focus on closer if all you’re looking for is a “good time”. Maybe I’m wrong?

  4. @ One of the guys- he’s just made some comments that made me think I was the only one. Like correcting me about how long we’ve talked. I thought less time. And reminding me he deleted his dating profile 2 days after we started talking.

  5. @One of the guys- and now that I stop and think about it. The distance started about a month and a half ago when I upset him. I did something really stupid and he questioned me on it. I apologized profusely and he said he’d get over it. But it was a couple of weeks before I heard from him again. Since then it’s been better but it what I would like. Maybe it’s normal for someone you never met though.

  6. @Annie….Right now you’re mind is spinning, trying to figure out what he’s thinking, doing. Bu you’re just driving yourself nuts. Our suggestion would be to remain open to him—if indeed you really see potential—and just see what happens when you actually meet. You’ll get more answers when you see him in the flesh. As per your question about “booty call” and would guys put this much effort into something they weren’t interested in. Well, that depends. If he’s got nothing else going on, or if he has other non-serious things going on, or if he’s going through stressful times, then sure, he might invest some time, even if he wasn’t sure how serious he was. If he’s dealing with an ex, kids, job, he might actually prefer to be talking with someone who doesn’t live where he lives. Less complicated. Why don’t you just wait and see.

  7. @ One of the Guys-I guess that’s really all I can do at this point is wait. And see if and when I hear from him again. My problem was and is that I allowed myself to become attached more than I had planned. But negativity crept in and took hold of my brain. I’m sure part of it is nerves and part is that I don’t really know him all that well. I just thought I did. I guess I just wanted an uninterested outside male observer’s opinion on the whole situation. Thank you for that.

  8. @ One of the Guys-Funny I just read one of the questions about an online thing where the guy masturbated over the phone. The guy I’m talking to has done that twice via Skype. Took him a long time to do it and it has only been twice. We’ve talked and Skyped several times without any type of sexual talk at all. Just struck me as interesting. LOL I actually looked at the date and to see where they were to see if it might be same guy.

  9. @Annie……Now that would have been interesting if it was the same guy……Try to stop second-guessing yourself and see how it goes, it may end up being great. That said, if you do end up seeing him, just keep your eyes open, in case he’s only looking for a booty call. It’s hard to say at this point. Keep us posted.

  10. @ One of the guys-Thank you so much! I will! I really appreciate you responding so quickly too.

  11. @One of the guys-Well and update of sorts. The guy I’d been talking to for about 6 months finally came back down to my area yesterday. He will be here for 2 months for work. He drove down yesterday from his family’s house and pretty much messaged me nonstop the whole time. When he got to my area he messaged to ask if he could meet me to say hi. He took a pretty major detour off his route to do so and still had about an hour and a half to go travel time (mostly because of traffic)I did meet up with him and we spent about an hour and a half together before I suggested he might want to get back on the road so it wasn’t midnight before he arrived. Since our conversations on Skype and online have been sexual in nature at times he did manage to secure a few kisses while we were together. Nothing else though. I thought maybe I’d have a better sense after meeting him what was up but I feel even more confused than before. Maybe I’m weird in the fact I wouldn’t go so far out of my way in time and effort (or travel) if I wasn’t really interested in anything. Thoughts?

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