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THE GUYS
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Hi Guys,
My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.
When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.
I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?
Kacey
Dear Kacey,
Thanks for your question.
This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.
We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.
Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?
However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.
And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”
Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.
Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
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Hi guys & girls. Im so relieved to have found a website that makes me feel like I'm not alone!!! I too am another victim of being 'cheated' on with a dating site! Me & my boyfriend, the love of my life, my best friend and my partner I was ready to choose for life of 5 years has just recently joined a dating website. Let me tell u in the last 5 years our relationship has been tested and tested and tested non stop. We've always come out the better side of things. We both had trust issues in the start - I never thought he was boyfriend material. But I met him initially when I was 16 he was 18. We spoke a few times at parties because somehow we always managed to cross paths! I always looked at him as the party boy not someone who was ready for 'love' but seeing eachother we immediately started falling for eachother. I am 23 & he is 25. I love him to pieces, he swears he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone before and I know it's true. After such a rough childhood and bringing himself up he's a really tough guy and emotions don't come easy. In the last 2/3 years he's Become so loving so affectionate so attentive so passionate and so caring. He makes an effort to see me everyday - I live with him most of the time as he lies alone. But I live permanently with my family. In the last 4/5 months we've been talking about marriage moving abroad and having children. We see eye to eye about all values and beliefs and I feel like I really have found my soulmate. I also want to add I have keys to his house and as of the last few years he has given me passwords for email & Facebook. A week or so ago he asked me if there was a new Facebook I said no a few days later he received an email from zoosk.com saying thanks for joining. To my shock horror I clicked on it and it said his name & welcome to dating and flirting online. Now in 5 years our sex has never died down! If anything it's gone from average to better to scorching hot! We aren't afraid to try new things and being the fire sign i am with the connection we have we have no problem getting it on weather a quick session or a long one. So I called him and asked wtf this email was. Please forgive my language. He was with one of his friends a player type who hasn't ever really settled with one girl. I cld hear in his voice he was Embarrased and he said oh remember I asked u if there's a new Facebook. I said well that's not like Facebook it says welcome to dating online! Anyway he said he wld call me back. Before he did I went nuts & told him where to go. I said if u wna speak to other girls n meet n flirt with ppl online go ahead it's over. He replied with u shld try asking before u assume things. Funnily enough I know my boyfriend really well to the point we say eachothers thoughts I think this comes from the amount of time we spend together. Later that evening I received anothe message after I sent him several demanding an explanation and asking what his issue was and how he feels the need to do this all of a sudden after 5 yrs. he said u shld have tried to ask me before running ur mouth I have nothing to say to u now. Go and do ur thing. That hurt like a bit**! After 5 yrs the love of my life was telling me basically that he cldnt even b bothered to explain. The next day he began to text me as normal asking me tiny q's so we had small talk. When I brought it up he went quite & stopped replying. He has a tendency to do this when he's annoyed he ignores me for a few days. I'm fine with the few days but can u please help me! What do I do!!! Part of me feels so stupid for still wanting to sort things out but it's 5 yrs of my life! He my best friend my heart and head doesn't imagine him ever wanting to meet ppl and hook up! I physically can't picture him doing it. Am I just being silly? Should I cut my loss and move on! I tried communicating with him and as soon as I said anything about the situation he told me to leave him alone! I'm so hurt I told him just by him doing this I feel stabbed in the back. I also called him fake and also said things like he will never change how it's over and I'm not taking this. Of course I wna sort it out please help. What do u think he's really up to? He hasn't been back onto the site since I confronted him!
@Molly....We understand. And we're truly very sorry. Hang in there. Let yourself grieve, but also let yourself move on. Take care.
Thanks guys, you are sooo right, i know you are. His love was based soley on lies, i really dont know him at all - this all went through my head the day i made the discovery. It was just talk to get what he wanted...me in bed, i was a pawn in his sick and sorry ass game. silly me. i know i can move on, its just so raw at the moment and im fighting the honest emotional connection i had with him, i just have to keep telling myself no matter what he said to me it was ALL lies. Thank you so very much for your honesty xxx
@Molly.....First of all, let us reassure you that you're not alone. Maybe this doesn't make it better, but at least know that this sort of betrayal happens all of the time. Even to the most intelligent people. In fact, usually it has nothing to do with intelligence, it has to do with someone ignoring all the signs that were obviously there. In your case, many, which you now see. Love can do that. Blind people. So at least try not to beat yourself up over this. Our advice: MOVE ON. You say you love him, but with all this new information what is it based on? Who is this guy? Do you really even know him? Answering those questions might help you get over him. He lied, cheated, put your health at risk, and then acted like he loved you. Well, in our book that's not how you treat someone you love. It's not how you would ever treat someone. So in order to move on you need to focus on those things, because that's who he really is. The rest is just talk. FYI: We don't really believe in sex addiction. Meaning, a sexual addiction is a product of some other wiring that is off. We think it's a symptom of something much larger. Because frankly, all guys would love to have sex with as many women as they could, but that doesn't mean they do it. Why? Because they're loyal and trustworthy. Those guys are out there. And you deserve to have a guy like that. Take care of yourself. You're a strong woman. (We can tell from your note.) You'll get through this.
just some more info, he would go thru stages and pick on me, for no apparent reason, and when i would pull him up onthis behaviour i would get "nothing i do is ever good enough for you" "i try my best to please you but i never can" his reactions were always very extreme and very angry. minutes latet he would act as though nothing happended. i realise more now that this is a mental illness, not just purely that these men have sex issues, but here is clearly something very wrong with their brains. my partner being a schitzophrenic was hard to deal with but a sex addiction also takes the cake, i just wanted him to admit it and talk to me about it, maybe even get him help, but all i got was, i love you, i need you this was all my fault. just need spome advice to move forward, thanks
Like many of the other beautiful ladies posting on this site, I too fell in love with and have just last week ended a relationship with a man who has a sex addiction. I just found this out last Friday so Im a fresh one. We met through my workplace, he was a customer. We chatted each time he came in to work over a 12 month period, he would flirt intently. Eventually we exchanged numbers, we both discussed the fact we were married and wanted to leave our spouses. He was open within minutes telling me he was in a bad marriage,his wife was abusive to himself and his child, and that he had kids, 4 kids to 3 different woman to be exact, including a child with his wife. And he is only 30 years old ! While this was a MASSIVE red flag moment, and my first thought was RUN, I commended his honesty – he really didn't have to tell me that at all. He could have lied but he didn't. Now I wonder if that was just me being too stupid and trusting. He was 29 and I was 36 when we met. I was very concerned with the age difference, but he convinced me that it wasn't an issue. Infact it turned him on immensly. We both suffer from depression and he also suffers from parnoid schitzophrenia. I am a compassionate person and to this day his medical conditions have never worried me. He told me he told a friend about our relationship. I had seperated from my husband, and we started a relationship/affair. He said he would leave his wife – he literally told her about me - and asked me to set about looking for a home for us to move into, which I did, and I now literally live one street away from him, the house was chosen diliberatley so that when he left his wife he would be very close to his son. He knew his wife was cheating and he wanted to move in with me and gain shared custody of his son. I do not have children and I wonder now if he used his own son as a pawn for my feelings. I met his son (14 month old), he and his son stayed the night at my house. He called me his sons step mummy, said that he didn't want any other woman as his sons step mummy. Yeah ok how many other chicks have you said that too? When I asked what he wanted out of a relationship with me, he said marriage, kids, white picket fence, the whole nine yards. Love for eternity. He would borrow money from me saying his wife wouldn't feed their son or buy him nappies (she held the purse strings supposedly). I now realise the money he was borrowing was to either to pay debts or pay for sex. OMG. Our relationship was very intense and passionate the whole time, the sex fantastic. Common wants, needs, likes etc, we would often comment we were almost the same person. He used the words I love you first, he asked me to marry him, told me he couldn't wait to make me a mummy – yeah now I know its just exactly what I wanted to hear. And he used the words soul mates. Really ? Who does this to their soul mate ? He would call me up to 10 times a day, we would text for up to 5 hours of an evening. His behaviour towards me was noted by my work collegues as being possessive, to the point of obsession. Stalker. I must admit I too was noticing this. He always had to know my schedule for the day, always wanted to know who I was working with, what I was doing. He was increasingly jealous with no valid reason to be. Almost a stalker. Obsessed. He hated the fact I was with my husband for 17 years. He would accuse me of cheating all the time even though I was faithful the entire relationship. He would constantly profess his love and affection, constantly tell me I was beautiful, say I may be 36 yo but I looked 29 with the body of an 18 yo was a quote he used daily. You are the best looking woman I have been with, I am so proud to be with you, I love showing you off when we go out together he would say. So how did I find out ? Believe it or not he gave away evidence and clues often. He admitted he had been previously diagnosed as a sex addict – didnt really think too much of it until the past few days, I just thought – oh you just have a really big appitite for sex, silly me I was very wrong. Initially I said nothing, but 2 or 3 times I kissed him on the lips and he smelt like another womans private area. I chose to ignore it – why? I dont know. Last week he was at my house while I was at work. He was doing repairs on my home. HE asked me if it was nice to have a man around the house? Im working on the house for you babe, he was so proud he took photos and showed mates. Like everyone else, my partner came unstuck with my computers history page !! We had openly discussed him watching porn, I dont have issues with that as I have sometimes watched it myself, dont we all? So my computers history shows the first thing he did was listen to our song which I thought was really sweet, then I saw he had logged into my facebook and read all my emails, then viewed the profiles of all my friends I had emailed. I was pretty cross although I didnt have anything to hide, just wondered why he felt the need to do such a thing. But what shocked me the most was the type of porn he was watching. Gay porn. And the next shock, dating sites. I thought he was leaving his wife, we were exclusive and wondered why there was a need for dating sites. To add insult to injury, I looked at my diary and there he had written his name loves my name 4eva. Really? Of course this computer activity was all denied – I swear on my sons life he said. A few days later curiosity got to me I guess, I really honestly don't know why I did it, but I looked at his emails, and in his sent items were 13, yes 13 emails (sent to mostly men but also women) seeking out sex. This led to more dating sites, that led to craigslist advertisements, one ad for a woman, 3 ads for much older men or “daddies” and one ad for a trans-sexual and that he was seeking a relationship with this transexual; ?????????? Men, women and trans-sexuals? As if one wasn't bad enough, yep I hit the jackpot - he had sent them all his cell number and asked to be contacted asap with details of what he wanted to happen next. INSERT VOMIT HERE. I couldnt work it out, if he was home texting me hundreds of messages of an evening, how did he have time to cheat? It was during the day, mostly a monday. Obviously the thrill of being caught red handed in broad daylight is his boost. Meetings in public toilets with men, who knows what else he got up to. He blamed his wife for sending the emails when I confronted him – yeah right. I ended the relationship. He sent dozens of messages telling me he loved me, I was beautiful etc Although I didnt get the full confession I was looking for, he did admit the relationship failed and it was his fault, I did nothing wrong. Part of me wants to kill him as we had unprotected sex numerous times, part of me wants him to hold me close and make it all go away and part of me never wants to see him again. This is all so fresh and painful, Im just glad I could share my feelings on this site and would love and honest unbiased opinion of the hell that has become my life over the past few days. I have not had contact with him in just over 24 hours, but he is driving past my house, and I know he his watching me.I dont know how to move on Im in shock and I still love him.
@Amanda.....Love the shower and dirty underwear analogy. We might have to borrow that. Thanks for sharing your insights and experience.
I was in a relationship for over 4 years with a guy who used alot of online sites to cheat. I had no idea for quiet some time that it was happening. Once I did I couldn't trust him at all anymore. We tried to work on things but it didn't happen. Once the trust was gone, it was gone. As for dating your ex, that's kinda like taking a shower and putting your dirty underwear back on. You have to eventually trust and love yourself enough to say "I won't put up with this" and be able to hold your head high and walk away from a bad situation.
@MissMe.....Thanks for sharing. Good luck to you. We hope you get the strength to do what you must at some point. You deserve better than this. Take care.
@Layla.....We're sorry, but we're glad you're smart enough to realize who he is, and strong enough to move on. Take care and good luck. Thanks for sharing.
I can completely relate! My 'partner' and I have been together for seven years, we have a child and another on the way. Throughout our entire relationship he has been known to have profiles on adult sites, not only making contact with other women (and men) but meeting up with them. He has cheated on me countless times, the most recent 'major' affair was with a 19 year old from his work. Other 'minor' incidents between now and then include prostitutes and sexting 'friends'. I know all this, not because he confesses but because I snoop, I have a tracker installed on is phone, I 'hack' (guess) his email passwords and continually check his Internet browser history. I hate the fact that I do this, at times it consumes my life. But to be perfectly honest, I would prefer to know, even though it might hurt, than not know. I confront him about his indiscretions, he denies everything, despite the hard evidence in his face which of course leads to an argument. This is not a healthy relationship, I know, but I can't or won't leave. This is why he will continue to do it because I have let him! Yes we might argue but he isn't losing out on anything really (other than a loving relationship but obviously that is not what is important to him) because au stay and out up with it! My advice is, the first time you catch him out betraying you, end the relationship. He may promise not to do it again but he will... Because you are letting I'm by staying! Phone / Email trackers are great tools but be careful, do you really want to know the truth...? And once you do, they are addictive! Good luck! X
Wow... I end up here reading everybody's comments and experiences because i was searching for answers myself and trying to understand why my boyfriend is on several online dating websites,I even found out that he's in one "Adult Friend Finder" which is a website to find friends for sexual purposes...bottom line: internet opened doors for people, especially guys, to cheat even more as it allows people to create fictional profiles and act in the shadow. And yes, i snooped as i suspected he was not being honest. My reaction? as i no longer feel i can ever trust him again and i certainly will not be able to be with him again. I just signed up in one of "his" online dating website, the one that seems to me to be more trustworthy as it requires verification that the people there do exist, and posted my most recent photos with true information about me and just left it open and did not block him for him to see i am there too, at the "market" looking for a new love and that I'm moving on and that I am no liar. I'm sure that he's seen me there already. And yes, I'm a very attractive woman, he feels insecure about it. By the way, he lied about his age, it seems he's a compulsive liar. When I first met him he told me that he divorced his wife because he found out that his wife was on dating sites, i wonder now if it wasn't the other way round. Anyway, girls my advice is where there is no trust, love is not enough... and yes, i do love him, it's going to be hard, but i don't want to build my life on lies. Wish me luck as i wish you all luck on whatever you decide to do with your cheating partner.
@ConfusedandSorry....You can't keep it to yourself, and you can't break up for no reason. So where does that leave you? Confessing that you snooped and beginning the discussion. Otherwise this issue is never going to be resolved. We are in NO WAY guaranteeing a positive outcome, but we also know that there's no way for a positive outcome without talking about this. You've got a problem here. You can't ignore it. Remember this: Just because you found out the information by snooping doesn't mean his behavior is justified. Lots of people hire private detectives and find out that their partner is cheating. The person who's caught can get mad, but they have to realize there was a reason for the lack of trust, and by the bottom line: the fact that they were betraying their partner. Of course, this is your call. We know it's not an easy one, but that's our two cents. Good luck and keep us posted.
@Kara.......We're sorry. We honestly can't answer your question because you know the guy better than we do. What do you think? What do your friends think? You're right to feel nervous about this though. Most people have a difficult time changing. But he could be the exception. Who knows? So you have two choices: 1. Leave him now. 2. Proceed with caution....keep your eyes open....observe his actions and keep assessing along the way. But remember this. Love isn't always enough. And you know that you don't want a life full of worry. That's not a very happy and comfortable way to live. So let's say he does get better, but you can't seem to ever totally trust him, then it's not going to work for you anyway. If that makes sense. Basically what we're saying is that a lot of this comes down to how you feel, not necessarily him. Good luck.
Hi guys! I know it's quite an old post, but I hope you will still answer to it. Basically, I have the same problem as all the other posters and somehow it is a relief to have other people understanding. But still it doesn't make i any easier. Anyway, just to make the story short: I have a very low self esteem and Ive been cheated on my my last boyfriend. So, though this still does not justify my behaviour, I snooped on his e-mails. I love my fiancé most than everything in the world, we are in our early 30s, he’s in the army and we are planning a future together (living together, marrying, etc). We are currently in the process of setting up our own place and we are almost through it. However, I’ve been finding the oddest things about him… latest, that he’s joined and erotic dating website, while instead he tells to me that this kind of things are very very sad. He is currently going through a very rough time (sligthly depressed), he’s far from home and we cannot see each other as we used to… with consequent lack of intimancy above all other things. So, really, if I would have find out he was watching more porn, I would be understanding. But, subscribing to a dating site? I don’t know how to look at this, if I have to call it off and breaking up for good with him. But I love him so much and though I’m currently shattered by hurt and confusion, I cannot see myself saying goodbye to him. Also, he will be home this weekend and I don’t really know how to act around him… unless I’ll be able to make up my mind by Friday. May I be reading too much into this? As I understand, on most of those sites there are only boots and not real people and I guess he knows it too. Also, he keeps reasuring me about us... I guess he felt I'm pretty low right now. I cannot confront him, because there no chance I found out about this only by "accident". And I don't want to admit the snooping, because then the discussion will be on that subject and not about the real issue here. I would like to give is a try and make him understand on general term that i won't accept him being on a dating site. However, I fear I have to brace for the worst... so, how can I break up with him, without giving him a reason and while I'm still deeply in love?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months. He got out of the Army and moved into my parents house with me for the time being until he gets back on his feet. He is an amazing guy and I love him so much. We get along so well. He is currently going through a divorce. His ex was horrible to him, she abused him mentally and constantly lied and cheated on him. In turn he started to lie and cheat on her as well. I have known about this from the beginning of our relationship and never liked him but did not hold it against him because I know she was horrible to him. Well recently I found out that he joined a website to find a "buddy" to hook up with. When confronted he lied to me about it. I did some more research and found out it had to be him so I asked him again, this time he told me he had signed up for it only two weeks ago. He cried saying he never had to answer to anyone before and he was in a relationship full of lies before but he said he wants to get better but its hard after eight years of abuse. He told me he would give me all his passwords and go seek professional help to help him with the lying and commitment to me. He said he loves me so much and wants nothing more than to have a healthy relationship but its just hard for him to adjust. Am I setting myself up for a lifetime of lies and betrayal or do you honestly think he could get better?
@Ashley....This doesn't sound good. Understand that a good offense is the best defense. What does that mean? He's attacking you to put you on the defensive so he can do whatever he pleases. Red-flag. You need to give this relationship some serious thought. At the very least the two of you need to start communicating better and trying to work this out. You've got an issue on your hand. And we think you're just scratching the surface. Remember, TRUST is everything in a relationship.
When I kept telling him he was lying he said he knows I'm doing something so he was looking to see if I was on any of them
My boyfriend and me have been together for 2 years and for the past couple months he is constantly accusing me of cheating well he is always looking through my phone and email and don't see anything bad but still thinks I am doing something so I decided to to look through his Facebook page and email and I found out he was looking for girls on Facebook and his email has a lot of porn sites so I looked in the web browser history and there was a lot of dating sites and then he was using a text free app on his computer and he has texting on his phone but he said he didn't do any of it but still admits no one else had used his phone or computer I don't know what I did to deserve this and really could use some advice
K
TO ALL THOES WHO THINK HES CHEATING...DOWNLOAD THE SPYWEAR APS ON HIS PHONE, IT WORKS! ALSO THERE ARE CAR TRACKERS, YOU CAN BUY THEM AT RADIO SHACK! MY MAN GOES ON ASHLEY MADISON AND I FOUND HIM ON CUPID ALSO LATER I FOUND OUT THAT CUPID HE GOT OFF A PORN SITE. I JUST FOUND OUT YESTERDAY HE GOES ON PORN CHAT SITES. IM HAVING HIS BABY IN 4 DAYS AND DECIDED IM LEAVING HIM!!! THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON WAY TOO LONG. HOW DID I FIND OUT? I SEARCHED HIS BROWSER HISTORY ON HIS PHONE. HE TRIES TO LIE ABOUT IT BUT THERE IS NO GETTING OUT OF IT BECAUSE I KNOW THE PHONE DIDNT CLICK ON THE SITE ALL BY ITS SELF. HE HAS A LOCK ON HIS PHONE SO WHAT I DID WAS THIS....HE LOOKED AT HIS PHONE THEN SET IT DOWN TO GO TO THE BATHROOM SO I QUICKLY GRABBED IT BEFORE IT LOCKED AND I CHANGED THE DISPLAY SETTING TO MAKE THE SCREEN TIMEOUT AT 5 MIN INSTEAD OF 30 SECONDS. THIS GIVES ME MORE TIME TO GET INTO HIS PHONE AFTER HE SETS IT DOWN. I CANT ALWAYS HAVE ACCESS TO IT BUT AT LEAST ITS BETTER THEN NONE.
I have a problem ....... I discovered that my boyfriend is on a chatting website by him being all suspicious on the computer. It was about 3 dyas ago when I found out by him being on the computer and then I walked up behind him and then once I touch him to let him know that I was there he quickly minimize the website and act like he was doing something else. It seem kind odd and it wasn't time first time this happen, but I didn't pay attention the last time. But when I did I decided to look up chatting website and the first one that came up and that was the website I seen him on. I don't know how to comfort him but can you please help me? Because me and my boyfriend and even before getting together promise that we will not hide anything from each other. Thank you so much :)
@inky.........We understand about malware and such, but still, we gotta wonder. Because it doesn't happen to most people, and only to people that may have been searching for this kind of thing in the past, or present. You should read some of the other people on this forum say about this and what they found out. Good luck with your decision.
Hi to clarify..I have known him for around 15 months now..7 months before I met him the first time By the time the immigration process is over, if accepted for visa.It will add another 8 months to that time. There is also a pre requisite in the visa requirements that people should have met at least once in two years.If it goes over that then another visit must be made. We chose the option of becoming engaged, since the US does not allow for a trail period as such that I could feasibly manage from this end. Circumstances dictate this route. For many people that immigrate, often time spent with a potential wife could have literally been a week..Take for instance some European countries that involve brokers, some don't even speak English, let alone form any real bond for commitment . I spent a month with him in the States.We started as friends of course.The internet avenue does allow for some strong ties to be made, but it has been backed up with a lengthy a visit as time would allows. I am approaching 40 and he is approaching 46. He has no kids, previous divorces behind him and he is on good terms with ex partners. Though he has not been in a relationship for 6 years Finances and responsibilities here dictate that I cannot just fly back and forth. He has very definite commitments at his workplace. During the immigration process it is suggested that visits over are not encouraged.It's also in itself a long process. I know that his account was compromised, I also know that this was spam mail.It was one of the address that was listed for recipients, alongside my own that raised an eyebrow. Since looking into it, as I said before..when googled went into a related tag for a swingers site. However I have discussed this with a friend in IT it is possible that malware might have added on a unknown contact to the list on the spam mail. Or it might have been somebody that was once in his email as a sender or receiver of. I am hoping it is the first option..I helped him move house, I spent a lot of time on my own in his home when I was there, nothing to me indicated that he had some kind of swinging kink..no porn stash, no nothing..I was literally packing his boxes for him to move. Yes, there is the fb shizzle to consider, he kept that from me, I have brought it up..we split for a time and we ironed it out. I can deal with that kind of interaction ..there's no emotion involved and any of the women show no sign of flirting with him at all..But yes, it isn't a place I have been included in. I know that he was cheated on in the past and as a consequence had some very dark days. I do not believe that he would have me take my son there and myself with a view to making our lives extremely rough. I think he just hit an age that he wanted to marry. Yes there could be more talk about fidelity..As I said I did bring up the fb stuff and we got over it. I was worried when I saw this spam stuff of course. But did not react with a mail to him about it, as I had no evidence to back it up. The papers have not yet gone to petition for visa, so I have some days yet to think on the situ. The revelation about the spam from the IT friend today was somewhat reassuring . I had not seen any sign of him nor the user that was mentioned in the email on that site. It could very well either be very old news or a malware issue. He does not seem at all cagey about it either
@inky.......We're having a hard time deciphering your question. Could you condense to the basic points. Meaning: This is what you know. This is what you don't know. These are your questions. Here's our take on what you know: 1. You know he converses with another woman on Facebook from site you met on. It's borderline sexy, flirtatious. 2. You know you got a suspicious email about a swingers site pointing to him. Here's what you don't know: 1. What's going on between him and Facebook woman if anything. 2. If he actually got SPAMMED or is actively involved with swingers site. Questions that jump out at us: How many times have you seen him? Do you really know him? Have the two of you talked about these types of things? Trust? Commitment? What does that mean to him? How much older is he than you? Basically, our gut reaction says, maybe you don't know him as well as you think you do. And that you need to get to know him much better before you do anything rash like moving across the world to be with him, especially since you have a child to consider. This whole things seems to be moving way too fast. We're not saying throw in the towel, but you're far from being ready to get married to this guy.
Right now I am in the middle of a extreme crisis of trust with my fiance. I best start from the beginning and I warn, whilst I will try to condense this..it will be long.Apologies for that. I met my fiance over a year ago on a Native american social site. I am in the UK,he lives in the States. We talked for seven months before I decided to go visit, he suggested I stay there and we had built up enough of a friendship also genuine affection with each other. He is a little older than I, well educated, a businessman and an artist. We both bonded on our gritty childhoods, appreciation for similar things and ability to have conversation with each other, with ease. Not once in this time did we webcam, I did call him a couple of times and whilst there was some flirtation of the sexual kind. I was never asked for pictures, wasn't talked dirty to in conversation, never asked to webcam etc. So anyways, I went over to visit, I had managed to get a month away from home. First days were good, getting to know each other. I happened to discover he had a facebook account, which he had never mentioned prior. He showed me photographs he had taken on there, so none of my actions were "snoopings" or anything of that nature. It was left , I didn't mention it more than to say..I had no idea he had an account. It did trouble me a little and over the followings days, whilst he was at work, I could see on the pc, he logged into, that there had been exchanges of some kind with another woman from the Native site I had met him on. The woman was totally at odds with the type he would choose to be with. My fiance is somewhat bumbling, eccentric, he looks his age, doesn't have any kind of social circle as such in his immediate, not one of the boys etc etc. Like I mentioned, he didn't ever use any kind of tacky lines on me, ask me to cam or mail him anything erotic. I could not see what was exchanged between the pair on facebook, only to see her profile and the kind of shit she posted on the daily and the odd comment he had made on one of her pics. There was no sign of any real flirting between them and from what I could see, he also used the same terminology on photo's of the other people's pictures that I could see. Since his facebook profile was rigidly set to private..then there was no way of seeing what was on his timeline. I did see the profile pics he had posted..but again, there wasn't anything to indicate he had interest from any other party. Ok, so all of that aside. I got back from my trip over there , during which time I had no idea what he wanted from the relationship..he had said about building it and maybe I would come back some time in future. I had hoped after a month of staying with him,he might have been a little more open, in hindsight and now that I know more of his personality..he is very guarded, scared of being hurt, had been single for six years previously and had been cheated on. So basically he was quite set in his ways and cautious of making rash decisions. So there I am back home, bit confused as to what was going to be happening, by this time I was in love with him. The facebook thing bothered me still on some levels, esp when he "jacked in" the site that I had met him on. It left the only pathway for communication being Gmail chat for us both. I started to feel hidden as we pursued our relationship, not understanding of why he had kept me on the fringes of his life internet wise. One day I had enough and I just blew, I brought up that I had seen the comments he made on pictures, I felt he was hiding me..that he was less of a man than I thought he was, that it was eating me up. He came back with something equally defensive, said he couldn't be responsible for how I felt, that I was doing that to myself..which to a very large degree I was. I replied to him, told him he didn't deserve me if I could not get an explanation, that I would cut off all ties with him..basically I had a hissy fit, hoping he would somehow make an explanation. Of course he didn't. He did say that it seemed I had waited to get a present from him, then dump him..that he had wanted to marry me, that I had his heart from the time I got there at his home. I decided though I just had to cut him off..I had worked myself up in such a state I couldn't trust him..A fault of mine too perhaps and my own self esteem. So moving along from that. Many days passed, I cut him off on channels. One day about a week or so later I received a virtual card, saying that he hoped that I was ok, that he felt sad that there might be reason to regret our time together and that he worried about myself and my kids. Gradually I softened and we began a communication again. firstly gently, and merely mailing once in a while..Then it grew back to more again. By two months later I was offered a job over here, a good one..I told him about it, and his response was encouraging, but at the end of it,he made some mention of the fact I might never get to come back for a visit again. I could see that he was disappointed about that. I returned a mail and a while later the decision was made by him that he wanted me to bring my kids to live with him,he began to open up and be less scared of his feelings, he would tell me he loved me, said he wanted to get married. He has now told his Mother about me, told his friends of our plans. He is in the process of sending the documents from the visa petition. The whole process could take up to 8 months. I was on top of the world, he made me an engagement ring. We talked online most everyday..We only managed to cam a couple of times, the time difference issue and also he works some on weekends. It's something that was fine with both of us, we had an if and when deal with communication which was mutually OK.So, you might think..what's the problem? Well this is a biggie and is bothering me so bad I sat up all last night in floods of tears, confusion.. There had been an email in my inbox, turned out it was a spam link generated from his email address. There were three contacts that this had been sent to. Myself, a woman (quite ok, nothing to worry about) and also a very suspect looking title for another.. which had the words of his area HOT and NUMBER 2 In the email address itself. Well, I thought ok.I will plug this into Google, since it spanked of being a username or something like that. It sent me to a page with the same handle, with a related tag..It was for a couple in his area, looking for other couples, for casual sex and sex fun. It took me to a page..to reg up on a sex contacts page. I reg'd up, typed in the username I had lifted off Google..found "no such user" I also trawled almost 600 pages of the site, scoured pictures and comments of anything related to his area..couldn't find anything relating to him or this other couple. As you can imagine, after going through page after page on this site, seeing some of the people on it and how it operates..I was totally emotional, had a real head of bees about it, cried, talked to friends, cried more..didn't sleep. I had forwarded the mail back to my fiance, with no comment..thinking..if he is guilty of something the mere thought of me possibly seeing that email address name would spark off a raised eyebrow. Or maybe he just didn't give me the credit to be smart enough to work it out. Anyways I received a mail."My email has been hacked, do not open anything unless it has whatever header in subject. So this was pretty soon after I forwarded. Course it made me immediately think..Ah! He is going to notice. I didn't have anything in me to reply to him, in fact I ignored the fact he was in Gmail,perhaps hoping for a chat, since he is leaving for a work thing for the weekend (sincere..) Anyways..I think, I can't leave the situation of not mailing forever..so I fired off a short email, saying.."hope you sorted the email issue and hope you managed to let ALL of your contacts know there was a problem"...I then hopped into Gmail some time later..I see his cam light is on,meaning he must be in some cam chat..I typed in the chat box "hmm" and then three minutes later he was off there and gone, not a word . His Gmail account has all of his business address on it for where he works..I couldn't imagine he would be doing anything "weird" in there, when his mail comes from Yahoo, there's a perfectly good cam set up for that for him if he chose to get himself some action. He might have missed the flag of a message if he was in a hangout and simply logged off. But, course, my mind was playing awful games with me paranoid wise. Anyways..there was a "good night my love" sent through my mail, whether it was coincidental he had sent that or whether he felt he needed to cover a track in ignoring the Gmail chat comment. I had told him in a earlier email that I had "gone down a rabbit hole today" He had assumed I might be ill, sent me a "get well message"..by then rather than directly asking (to which I know I will get no answer) I had a couple of shots at.."I'm not ill, wish I was, got things on my mind and cannot sleep"..being a man or avoiding, he made no comment on why I was feeling like that..he sent me a one line and he was gone. So, this is where I need help..I cannot prove that this email address and this username..also he are tied together..I cannot tell when he would have had any kind of contact with this person (S) , what timeframe, if it still occurs, if he had sex with..not just one person..but a couple, if it was just a case of one time they exchanged pictures or mails. It is so at odd's with the person I see..that is the "head fuck" ..why send for me, why ask me to marry him, why buy me things and let me tell my son we are going to be a family..If this is something that is past I can deal with it..if I might be just clutching at straws I wish somebody could calm down the irrationality. My gf's have said..you cannot trust him, you should not give up your life for him..In my mind..I think he uses the internet to project a person that gives him some confidence in himself, back in return..Yeah, it's a lousy way to do it, he gets womens attention, he has emotionless exchanges..the fb especially I view that there is unlikely to be any sex involved with. But this swingers site..It really bothers me a lot. I have already let the past and the fb issue go..but how do I tackle this..I know him, I know there level of discomfort being found out about something (even if in the past) can cause..it will make for a very reactive situation..I need some help or advice as to help me get my head around this..I also have read some of the previous posts and I do see that it is a bit of an ego addiction...whether simply talking to somebody in a mild flirty way is cheating..I doubt that..but whole new levels of low are these sites, esp within your partners area. I have read that Yahoo gets majorly hacked a lot, that it can tag and send spam to people that you have only even ever had one mail from or sent to. If anybody can give me some advice I would appreciate it. I must stress that, I found nothing on the site regarding..the address that I came across in spam, nor any sign of a profile he might have made..It's not hard to uncover him if he is there..There isn't anything on that particular site. Help please..I'm going crazy with my thoughts, esp given the level of commitment I must have to move overseas with my son
well..i do have thesame issue.my boyfriend and i are in this relationship for over 4 years..i believed and trusted him for everything he do and said..but after that 1 year LDR thing..everything changes....he barely spend time with me on phone,he doesnt have time to call me,he barely replies with my messages on FB,i also found out that he has an account on some dating sites....looking for a date i gues...But how how could he do that when in fact we just met weeks ago..and then try to tell me that he had fallen out of love..that his so tired of having an LDR ...
@Kat......Thanks for sharing. Take care.
I learned my lesson about checking up on what my ex is doing via his facebook page because he posted a picture of him wearing and EKG monitor and so i was pretty worried about him. But, with all expectation and high running emotions aside (as much as i could), i offered my support via a message, and he wrote back a funny, self depracating message and explained what happened (he got electrocuted). I was really tempted to write back a bit of banter as well, thinking of him bored there in his hospital bed, no real friends, and that how things like this bring people close again. But then i thought NO. Bad move that. He always does what he needs in order to satisfy those needs and i offered practical support, and that is all i can give. I am not offering anything else and so, as he didn't need my help, end of chat. It was hard because the feelings were strong, to be there for him, in 'my way'. But as i was really doing this out of duty to him, and not to scratch my own emotional itch, i kept it short with no questions. Just offered support. I thought it would set me back, but i think of him no more than before (still loads though), and i did right by me, again. Feels good. Never had so much conviction to do the right thing before and am trying to stay away from that pandora's box of the 'what ifs'. Sorry to post again but this was a bit of a curve ball to the situation and hope maybe it will help someone else if a similar thing happens to them!
Im going through the same issue but our relationship just started I know where you are coming from and I thought I would do it too and give him one more chance but all he has been showing me that he is not done doing it I found out that he started relationships with other girls. he also likes young girls the younger the better. well I stayed and I gave him one more chance but I dont think its worth it I mean he is worth it
@Kat......Thank you for sharing your story, insight and newfound strength.
There are a lot of people on here, including me, who are hurt and bewildered by what their other half/partner/boyfriend has been doing. I split up with mine 45 days ago and am still looking to understand why he..how could he..and lie...with whom..how often..under what circumstances...but all back to WHY in order to somehow find a resolution to the person i KNOW and the things they were doing that contradicted this person i KNOW and trusted and if i know the WHY, then i have something to work from to bring him back to acting like the person i believed him to be. My motivation was overwhelming..I must trouble shoot, i must problem solve...til it's back to the way i was happy BELIEVING it to be...so i used to think.. There are a few hard facts i had to swallow, and am only now beginning to digest...he lied, repeatedly, and yet can be searingly candid about other difficult aspects of himself, he did not respect me in this situation, even though was otherwise very respectful and caring, he wanted other women than me sexually...even though the sex was varied, frequent, i gave him the best orgasm of his life, and people have all said i am way hotter than him. I'm saying this to try and impart that it is a total mind f*** to find out that the man you are with is NOT the man you would wish yourself to be with based on his actions. From observing my past relationships i had in my 20's that all had different problems be it infidelity, lies, selfishness, stingyness, abuse, whatever, seeing people in my family who are now 40, 70, 100...patterns have established and are here to stay. Sure people can mellow and don't have the energy they once did to carry out their desires as they once did.. they are, who they are, and at some numb point, i accepted it and know trying to change any of them would be futile, and the effort involved would render me non existant as a person in my own right as i would have no energy left to enjoy life and enjoy being me. So what's my point...well...the common theme i read in comments here, is that there seems to be a growing discrepancy between who they BELIEVED their partner to be, and what the EVIDENCE is now showing them. We cannot get hung up on the parts of a person we like, love, admire and respect and hope these newly discovered parts are so out of character that surely they cannot be part of that person really and are just a passing phase, some anomaly, even sign of mental breakdown of somekind! At this point, clutching at straws, i go back to seeing how much effort did he put into finding other women...he hasn't logged in for a week so maybe it was just a phase thing...he didn't chase them too hard etc ...hasn't replied to that girl's message yet.. Sorry but i am deluding myself here to appease my hurt and delay judgement. He's working on his own clock, mood, and not setting about trying to meet my threshold for what i would find wrong, grossly wrong, or an immediate dumpable offence! I just...had to accept him as a whole, no matter how hurt and surprised i was by the revelation of his deception. Now the question i had to ask myself was do i accept him, or leave him. (please do not try and negotiate his behaviour or change him, people know what is right and wrong and do what they do cos they want to). I had to leave him and subsequently found out (was comforting and disturbing at the same time) that he did the same pretty much with ever girl he'd been with. One bit of advice that helped me was, people have their beliefs, and their needs. And people will always act on their needs over their beliefs if the two come into conflict. The solution? Either accept him the way he is and be grateful for that week he DIDN'T go trolling and checking out so and so, and the times he was being present in the moments of real intimacy that only you two share...attending to your needs etc....and then, you will also have to accept him when he decides he wants to go and find other women for an ego stroke, sexual variety (variety in the fact she is NOT you, the woman he has already slept with loads), or cos doing bad makes him feel good. Cycle then repeats back to the good again. The thing to know is, you will never be the master of when these moments will happen, the good or the bad. We cannot control people. You will be on constant edge and that will eventually fry your nerves and when it gets soo bad u will leave... Advice i am giving myself after chastising myself for wasting time on him..ever..after not eating, not sleeping, stalking him online, crying, stalking online, crying, staying in bed all day, living off caffeine nicotene, crying again...feeling more lonely around other people, finding my misery and pain more comforting...repeat the above x10.. Is that i feel i can now go back to being an observer of the horribleness of human action and not a sufferer....i can empathise and think 'thank god im not in that place anymore' glad that he does not hold the key to my being happy or sad anymore with his actions, and that i want to meet someone, who does NOT have the NEED/IMPULSE to do this kind of thing. And i still haven't resolved who i thought he was with these newly discovered actions, and i don't know if i will, or how i will feel about him in time to come....i will only know when the time comes...and til then, i am staying strong simply by staying away from him.
@Mallory......What's your gut telling you? Listen to that. And what do your friends think? Your parents? Listen to them as well. To us, it sounds like he's cheating, or trying to cheat. (Almost the same.) Ask yourself; Can I really have a long-term relationship with this guy? Will this guy really make me happy? Can I really trust this guy? What happens when we have kids? What kind of father is he going to be? You have a lot to think about. Good luck.
My fiance and I have been together for 3 years we live together hr was on couch besode mr on dating web site I checked his profiles n they said if bitches wont text him back then dont afd him etc I confronted him he said he created them when we argued he is on several dif sites he said he was going to delete them well I let it go ive been checking them amd he still been getting on amd he kreps sayin he will blah blah I feel like he doesnt love me cheating cause he always makes excuses to why I cant go with him when its mu car and he is gone for hoirs at a time I dont knoe what to do im depressed and just feel lost I dont know what to do
@BGroubs........We're sorry. You should read the comments. Everyone has a different take and a different plan. It's hard for us to tell you what to do. But you have a serious issue on your hands. We know you love him, but do you really think you can trust this guy? In the future? Maybe you can get over it now, maybe not, but what about when it keeps happening in the future? What we can say is this: If you don't see serious work on his part—therapy, counseling, etc.—it's very unlikely his behavior will change. Maybe he'll put in on pause for a bit but it will return. That we can almost guarantee. So you've got some serious thinking and talking to do. Good luck. We're sorry again. This is tough.
WOW, I'm so shocked that many of you are having this problem. I am in the same boat! I met my bf online and its been almost a year now that we have been together from the first meeting I felt like I had known him forever we just had a perfect connection! A couple months ago I was on his labtop doing hw and saw he had been on that website looking at girls! When I confronted him about it he said it was for his friend which I could understand at the time and his friend confirmed this. I trusted this man completely! He is my world but he has a lot of committment issues. Recently I saw again on his labtop he had been loooking at girls again! I kinda was sneaky about it and brought it up one night laughing bringing up his friend and if he had ever found a girl and if my boyfriend was still helping him. My bf said nah not anymore. So the dating site I knew right then was for HIM! I caught him there and told him then why are you on the dating site. He looked at me and accused me of snooking and invading his personal business. which I undersatnd I did snoop but when he starts talking to other women that becomes my business as well is it not? So he claimed that he was just looking and was just scared of our relationship and evreything. I believe that he is scared cause he loves me a lot and wants to be with me but I just don't understand why he would go look at girls. Well this past weekend I looked at his labtop again which i know bad on my part and I told my self I wouldnt' but he left his email open. He had messages from these women! LOTS of them. So I made a fake account and messaged these girls asking if they were talking to him and everything. 3 said they had been for a week which I guess could be worse, but still breaks my heart. And they said how he had been telling them they were pretty and wanted to meet up at the beach and how he gave them his phone number! Thats **** up. When you sleep with me everynight, tell me you love me, hold my hand, go on trips and make me dinner and behind closed doors talk to other women. Thats sick! So its been a rocky road and I saw his phone as well...which confirmed him saying "good morning pretty girl how are you" which is what he usually says to me! I felt so betrayed right then and there. He accuses me of invading his personal business but he broke our trust by doing this behind my back. Don't get me wrong this is an amzing guy and I trusted him a 100% which is why now Idk who this person is anymore? I feel like I would be crazy to go back with him but I love him way to much for it....idk what to do....should I just not give up on him and be patient and cautious and get out now??
This is a classic situation, almost cliche. I am sure the relationship wasn't just fine all along them suddenly the dating website happened. Sometime if a relationship lasts to long it's hard to break off, especially considering the alternative will be loneliness. Some people look for other interests during the decline of a relationship as is probably the case here. Him flipping out and leaving is an over-reaction indicative of the truth here. He wanted to leave the that was the first time he had an opportunity to, albeit self-riotously. He shouldn't be on a dating site and you shouldn't fee bad for catching him on one.
@Wants some advice..........We're really sorry. This is a tough and confusing situation to be in. So what do you want? That would be our first question. It doesn't sound to us like he's going to change, and it also doesn't sound like he cares enough about the relationship to try and work on things. So what do you want? Do you want a relationship where there are major trust issues? We can't tell you what to do, but it seems you should be allowed to make your own decision here.
Sorry accidently pressed post. anyways, sex should not be a problem here. i've asked him why? does he not find me attractive any more or is he bored with me or want to move on to someone else? the answer i recieve is always no. the worst bit is that he just pretends he did nothing wrong, that im bad for snooping andsays things to me like "oh what? want some other dick do you? other than that gut feeling everything ele in the relationship should of been okay. i just dont get it. i told jim how i feel trapped by what hes done (he still claims innocence) and i've told him that if we stay together he has to get rid of the sites and talk to me! tell me what he need and work on us. if not, just spare my feelings, time and energy and let me walk away from this relationship so we can both move on. he wont admit hes done anything wrong and he wont let me go either. i know that sounds crazy but if i were to leave o would basically have to run away. what are mty other options? and before u mention councelling... he wont go to a couples one and hes been to personal councelling before already
Ok so heres my situation. im in a realtionship of aprox 7 nearly 8 yrs. we have 3 children together (too young to understand what happens if their parents separate) and have practically built a life together. last week i had this gut feeling... somethings wrong. bare in mind that my partner has cheated several times in the past and i've always some how tried to make our relationship work and stick together for our family. anyway, i never trusted my gutt feeling in the past and would give him the benifit of the doubt, turns out i would be wrong so i went with insticnt this time. i snooped his phone, he had been acting suspicous, hiding his phone everytime my head turned his way and he was on it. bam, there it was, sex dating sites. he had listed he was single, looking for descreet relationship, casual sex, marrying! i found emails on his account where he was trying to convince some local girls to come meet with him so they could have sex. There wad even an uploaded photo of himself! needless to say i was and still am PISSED OFF! I confronted him and he claims his phone had been hacked and it wasnt him. i can feel it when i look at him... its all lies. he did that looking for sex elsewhere. About our sex life: i have a high sex drive, i want it more than he does! im open to a variety of thongs to keep it interesting, not the same one style crap some girls do. and yes, he does get amazing gobbies from me
@Anci.......It's hard for people to change. It takes time. But that's not your issue. Your issue is why? Why is he doing these things? Is it because this is who he is? Is it because he's still angry and resentful at you for the way your relationship began? Is he doing it to protect himself? (He hurts you before you hurt him) Why is he doing it? Sure, it is a red-flag that he resorts to these types of behaviors when he's feeling down or depressed. That's something he needs to address himself. Why does he need to make himself feel better immediately, and then seek a woman's bed to do this? But overall the two of you are in a down pattern. In order for you to make this free you need to break free from this pattern. Couple's counseling might be a good place to start. Or maybe get things going with a heart-to-heart conversation. One thing to note: Sometimes when relationships get to this point it means they've run their course. When you see that you're putting a ton of energy into it and things keep falling apart it's time to take a hard look at the relationship. Take care and good luck. Other questions?
Hi! It meant a lot to me to read all these posts and replies, it helped me feel less alone, ashamed and devastated. My story is in some ways similar but a bit more complicated and ill try to make it as short as possible. Me and my BF are together for over 4y and its long distance relationship, I'm 30 and he is 25. Relationship is still very passionate and we do love each other a lot and generally we go together very well but... Unfortunately when we started things I was still involved with my ex fiancee and for a while I was in parallel RL... I'm still really embarrassed for what I was doing bk then...After short time of chating with my current BF I rly started to like him a lot and things between us heat up alot and we decided to meet up. So after that I really fell for him but still couldn't grow a pair and end things with ex fiancee. The whole mess finally ended up after few months of my constant lies to both of them once my ex snooped my pc as I got so cold with him and he found chat logs and confronted me. I ended things with ex fiancee and I came clean with my BF and told him everything, TBH i thought he would leave me but I just wanted to stop doing what I was doing to them and to myself. But my Bf insisted to stay together and that he understands me and forgives me, for that I loved him even more and appreciated him more than ever, but... As all this was happening over 3y ago and when I look bk on those 3y, he changed a lot... Not long after he started to pull away from me. First big thing that happen was that somewhere about 2y ago he told me that he decided to go back to Uni and that's final, since that's the only way for him to get better job - only way to be able to support me once I move in with him in his country until I settle but that studies will last for 4-5 more years and that he doesn't expect me to wait on him. I was in shock for days and it was first red flag about his promises of love and future together weren't so true. I decided to stay and fight, I was trying to prove him how much I care for him and how guilty and sorry I felt for hurting him so much in the past and I wanted to fix things. After a while a looked tho friends FB account my BF's FB wall and I saw he was sweet-talking with few girls. I got enraged and decided to look all similar networks on which i knew he had accounts and more I looked more things i could find. Ofc i confronted him and he said those are just some friends and that it has no meaning and that he understands how that made me feel and how sorry he is and that he wont do it again and i dropped it. As time went by I started paying more attention to his behavior as by that moment I trusted him 100% and never had the need to snoop around. More and more signs were popping that he ain't what he presents himself to be, putting password on his phone and putting it away always and similar...So i took things in my hands, sorta hacked his email and FB and over there found more correspondence with ex GFs and some girls he knew over net or in person and that he had profile on some dating site, unfortunately i didn't have enough time since he noticed his pw was changed. So huge fight came after that, he was mad for me hacking things and said all that i accuse him ain't true, that he never cheated and only was writing things either when really drunk and felt bad for it next day or was only catching up with old friends... and so on. Since I didn't find any Prof of actual infidelity I only pointed out that even if he didn't do anything yet he eventually will end up liking someone who he chats to too much online....same way like he liked me and i liked him... I was so scared I would loose him as I felt in my heart he is the one, I fought to keep RL going so hard, and more I fought he was more and more evil towards me. Ignoring me for days after some stupid arguments and so on... I was falling in deeper and deeper depression as he would one day how he cant live without me and then ignore me for days for something stupid. So step by step it got really bad so 1.5y ago I took friend's advice and went for anti-depression therapy and doctor told me to make distance from BF and then I would be able to see things better and decided what i really want and if its possible at all. So he felt me pulling away and other huge fight happened so we didn't speak for 2-3 weeks and eventually I decided to give it an other chance and more or less begged him to come bk with me... Things were starting to get better after that, he got better payed job and we fought less and less but last summer he decided to go holiday with his single mates and got me pissed so much as he wasted days off work, money, ruined our plans for summer to go to the seaside, ended up for not meeting me for 5 months... I kinda had too much at that point, so when he came to visit me 2 months after holiday which was 3 months ago I decided to set keylogger on my laptop and get his passwords to see what he is doing behind my bk. So I looked tho FB and I found out he was flirty with ex GFs and other girls, one chat caught my attention the most and as it turned out once I confronted him he had sex with that girl during our break of 2-3 weeks (the time i started with my therapy). He said he saw her once and felt awful after that..lol...and that he was just so down at the time as he couldn't sort for us to be together and lost all the hope and thought we broke up and wanted to move on but after being with her he realized that he loves me and nothing and none can replace me. (girl confirmed to me it was only once) He then cried and begged to stay together, how he was taking me for granted for a long time and how now finally we have money to be together after everything and to give it a go. I insisted on details, I got them, gave me PW to mails and so on...premised he will change and only focus now on me moving there and how he will delete all those girls, mails... I asked him over and over to tell me if there is more and he swore there isn't but I couldn't trust him really. So he went bk home and he started acting really nice and actually changing a lot all for better. Ofc i snooped more around and found out he had an other email, it was empty, but tho history of correspondence i saw he was on few dating sites and on some escort site. So it turned out he had made an account just as he returned from that holiday with mates on his mates suggestion to check out stuff on it and on escort site he correspondent with a prostitute asking around for prices for sex with him and his mate...sick...all so sick...after that i was all broken...I still am! He said he chatted to few girls but nothing happened but he put up picture of his face and one being topless...as for escort he said he would never pay for sex and him and his mate were only messing around. He did delete profiles and email once he got home as he promised but he still was trying to hide it from me. He admitted on his own that he once tried webcam sex thing as being bored of porn to check it out but it didn't work well and wasn't interested anymore...As for browser history...things I could see were like advices how to be more attractive to girls and so on... A lot of sick things there! Anyhow ATM he is really nice and he tries to fix things and sort stuff for me to move there. But if someone was doing all those things in the past...can he ever change? Will he do it again? Is he some sex addict? And how the hell Iv let myself be so stupid and blind and think he is an angel...will he just lie better now on and hide things better?
@Sarah.....We're sorry. We know this must be really hard for you, especially since you have a new baby. We're not sure what he's up to. And we even hate to speculate. But something seems fishy. And yes we agree: we wish he could be honest. Keep us posted and let us know if you have any other questions. And take care.
Clearly. I don't know that there really is a question. I'm 34 and he's 33. No, our daughter wasn't expected and when we first found out we were pregnant, he was all in for a family and he was and has been an amazing person. He just lies. I guess I know what I need to do and that's just let him go but that really sucks because there's so much love. We went on a "date" the other night and had an amazing time. I just wish I knew why he can't be honest. I've mentioned counseling before but he says he's not into it because he tried it when he was married and it's a crock. He keeps telling me he wants us to work out and him moving out, according to him, was him still giving it a shot for us to start on a blank slate. Unfortunately we can't erase too much of the past because we have a little being now and the fact he keeps being dishonest kinda tells me he really isn't trying at all.
@Sarah......We understand. So do you have a question? What is it exactly? It's clear that something is going on. And it's clear that he's not 100% committed to you and his daughter. (Which is sad, honestly) Our sense is he feels stuck. (How old are you? Him?) Clearly he didn't expect to find himself in the situation he's in. But he's not stepping up to the plate. If he was a man enough to have sex and get you pregnant, he needs to be man enough to be honest. He might be telling the truth about the dating site, but there is something he's not telling you. That's going to be up to you to figure out. Have you thought about couple's counseling?
So...my boyfriend and I got together a year ago. When I met him, there was a girl messaging him which he said they had gone out a couple times and he had met her on a dating site. Of course I got on the site and he hadn't been on it and she stopped texting so all was good. We got pregnant and moved in together. A week after our daughter was born, he said he needed a break which ok, our relationship was rushed and now here's this baby that wasn't planned. Well, New years eve he left. He's been staying at his parents. Says he still wants to date but thinks we need to take a step back since everything was pretty rushed. Back track a little, 2 months before our daughter was born, I found a receipt to a bar. Took him 3 days to finally admit to me he went. Knowing I saw the receipt he still denied it and had the audacity to call me crazy for assuming he was there. Then again, a month before she was born it happened again. He denied it up until he decided we needed a break once she was born. Still never really admitted it. Anyway, present day I get an email from that dating website that he has been logged on. He is denying it. I feel like it's the whole bar thing - I had proof he was there buthe still denied it, now I have this site saying when he was lost logged on and what not and he's still denying - saying we're never going to get passed stuff if I keep holding on to it. How can I not refer to the bar thing when this is the exact same thing. He tries to say that maybe he didn't log out correctly - he did admit to getting on there as he was cleaning out his emails, but only admits to one time to try and download the pictures from his profile. I've told him if he wants to date other females it's fine, just be honest but still....I don't get it.
I should also add that he maintains that he didn't cheat but from looking through the msgs to women it just seems like he didnt get the chance to as they didnt respond when he asked to meet up. My family know most of what he has done as I was at their house when i left and ranting on the phone to him out of anger, they heard it all and now neither are speaking to each other. he has said how sorry he is but I am afraid that if i stay with him the same issue will arise in the future. plus he lied about being on any other website to my face when i know different so for all i know he has cheated and is lying about that.
Hi I have been going out with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years and living with him for 4. He has always been the one pushing the commitment side of things and even suggested getting married and having kids in the last year. I have never suggested marriage or kids or anything. About a month ago I was innocently on his mobile internet and when i clicked on the browser the last page he had been on popped up. it was a sex/ hook up kind of dating website. I found naked pics of him and msgs from him to local women trying to arrange to meet up. This threw me as I honestly trusted him 100 percent before this. The only thing before this was a couple of years ago when the phone bill was high and he had been ringing sex chat lines. when i confronted him about this he went raving mad even though i thought lil of it at the time except for the cost. i understand men need porn and such. my problem is i cannot understand why he has felt the need to cheat as we have sex several times a week and i have always tried to do things exciting like outdoors, dressup etc. i confronted him and left him for a week. his excuse was that he wanted to propose soon and felt the need to sleep with one last women before doing so. this is one of many excuses he has provided since. i know this is bullshit but i have returned yet i cant get over the betrayal and because of our active sex life i just dont understand the need for it. after snooping more since on dating sites i discovered he had an acc open months ago meaning this has been going on for at least 8 months with me being none the wiser. I know i should leave but i love him so much i am finding it so hard. I am so confused as to why he had to do this when he has sex on a platter from a girlfriend. please advise
@Jen......Like you said: What has he done to SHOW YOU he's done with this sort of behavior? And that's the issue. Well, that's the secondary issue. The other issue of course is, WHY he felt, or feels, the need to be on these dating sites. Yes, becoming a father, and all the responsibility that comes with it, is overwhelming for most men. And some men worry that they won't ever be attracted to their partner again. But not all men react this way. He's betrayed you for sure. To what extent we can only guess. (You'd know better than us.) Do you think you'll ever be able to trust him again? In closing: This comes down to two things. 1. What will he do to change and show you that he's completely committed to you and your baby. 2. Do you have the ability to forgive and move on? (We're not saying you should, we're just asking the questions.) We don't know if he has the capacity to change, or if he's the kind of person you can truly build a life with. We don't know him like you do. So what do you think?
I've had a similar issue with my boyfriend... I discovered he was using dating sites when I was about 8 months pregnant, confronted him and of course he denied all knowledge etc etc. He tried to say he'd been going onto them to try and delete the profiles but was having problems. So of course I was thinking that was very convenient since he was using 2 different sites that I knew of and how could he have the same issue with both!!! Anyway he assured me there was nothing to worry about, however around a month after I'd given birth to his daughter, I then discover texts on his phone from some woman that he later admitted he'd met her on one of the dating sites. I was devastated, and obviously I still had suspicion from first discovering the websites on his internet history. The texts were flirty etc and more than just friendly chat. He told me he never intended on meeting her and hadn't done anything, only speak to her. But my issue is how can I be sure he wouldn't have taken it further?? I'm just so hurt because he knew how I felt when I first discovered he was using the dating sites, and then even after that he still continued with the secrecy. And to top it off, this was while I was pregnant with his baby and shortly after I'd given birth. I just feel sooooo betrayed, regardless of whether he's done anything with this woman or not. Also since I discovered the texts (which was a couple of months ago now) he still has the 2 dating site profiles active! I've confronted him several times about them and he keeps trying to tell me that he's not using them (even though it shows when he last logged in!). He deletes his browsing history on his computer now and on his mobile phone - I asked him to show me his phone the other day and kept refusing to saying why should he. He always has his mobile on him and even puts it in his shorts pocket at night when he goes to bed. I just feel he's still being very secretive and isn't being completely honest with me. If he wasn't so secretive then I wouldn't be interested in his phone etc. But I feel that he must think I'm stupid when he tells me he's not using the sites when you can clearly see he is - he also gave me and excuse that "these things can get hacked you know". Whatever! So overall I've lost trust in him, my feelings are changing towards him, and I kinda don't really want any affection from him anymore. I've been trying to put it behind me since we have a baby to think about, but like I said it's the secrecy that's caused me to feel distant from him now. We've had endless chats about it all and I've explained exactly how I feel, he says he wants to fight for me yet he's not done much to show me how important me and the baby are to him. I've said lets give it another month to see if he can show me any signs of our relationship being worth saving... So please tell me what you think!? Thanks!
@Confused Woman........We're sorry. We can see how much you're struggling with this. Betrayal is hard for everyone, but some people have an even harder time coming back from it. That's what we see here. So when it's all said and done, whether or not your relationship moves forward will be up to you. Let's start with your boyfriend/fiance. Most of the time we feel the guy isn't doing everything he can to make things better. Usually the guy's remorseful, but unwilling to do the necessary work to reassure his partner that he will never do it again. Here are the steps we recommend. 1. Apologize. As many times as it takes and for as long as it takes. 2. Ask for forgiveness and a second chance. 3. Show your partner you're willing to do whatever takes to make things "right." 4. Then follow through with actions. Couples' counseling, possibly seeing a counselor himself, etc. 5. Never doing it again, or even coming close to doing it again.......Well, from what you describe your guy is following these steps to a T. We believe that he didn't actually cheat. (Meaning sleep with another woman. He did betray you.) However, we believe that he was sexually frustrated and didn't know what to do. (Not that what he did was right.) We believe he's remorseful. We believe he loves you. And we believe he's willing to do anything he can to be with you. We wish more guys would step up to the plate like he's doing. Now let's look at how this may have happened. You didn't give specifics about your sex life but if a guy is frustrated with his sex life that's a very serious matter. In fact it may be the most serious matter there is a for a guy when he's in a relationship. (Until he becomes a father.) Sex is how guys connect. And they want it to be good. Good means fun, hot, passionate, sexy. Please read the post on our site for suggestion: Good sex vs. Bad sex vs. No Sex. So imagine his frame of mind: He loves you, wants to be with you, but is seriously frustrated by the sex. He doesn't know what to do. You mentioned you were having communication problems so he's not sure he can talk to you, and then bam, he makes a really stupid decision. (We would have preferred he looked at porn or something like that rather than involve another woman.) But that said, that's how we see this happening. The other thing you mentioned that you need to consider—and sounds like you have—is the way you steered this relationship to your ultimate goal: Marriage and family. He went along with it because he loves you, but it sounds like he felt a bit emasculated, which would contribute to his frame of mind, and his need to seek out women who wanted him because he was a hot, virile guy, not because they just wanted someone to marry and he kind of fit the requirements. It's almost like you have (or had) this story playing in your head where as long as the guy fit a certain list of requirements he could be anyone; but then you didn't really care about what your guy actually needed. (Sorry, we're just being honest and trying to get you to see his frame of mind.) We're absolutely not making excuses for him. What he did was dead wrong. And we can see why you feel the way you do. And if he ever does anything remotely like it again we suggest you move on. But understand that in this case, we believe the two of you were in this together, because like we said, we do kind of believe him. So our advice: Keep doing what you're doing. Keep going to couple's counseling. We also recommend that both of you see a counselor or therapist by yourselves to work through your own issues. Him: Help him understand the feelings that caused him to do this so he won't do it again. You: Deal with the betrayal and hurt, but also understand what part you played. (If you did.) But we think your relationship is salvageable. And not only that, worth salvaging. But it's up to you to let go and forgive and move on. Also, even though this feels really crappy, this could have been much, much worse. He could have actually cheated. Last suggestion: Please don't embarrass him anymore. We don't think embarrassing someone is a good idea, or involving your family in this. We can guarantee that he feels very resentful about that, and it will come up again in your relationship when things are on solid ground. We know why you did it, but we're strongly suggesting you work things out between the two of you. Because now you put out negative feelings about him, and when things get to a good place you're also going to regret you did that. Finally, understand that all of our opinions/comments are coming from a supportive place. We're just trying to get you to see what's what. Take care of yourself and good luck. Thoughts? Questions? Ask as many as you'd like. And hang in there. ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!
Hi there, I cannot believe how many women out there are experiencing the same situation I currently find myself in.. My partner and I have been together for 6 years now. Last year in July we went on a trip to Europe together and got engaged. Our wedding was booked for December this year. About 5 months ago I discovered he was on about 8 different "hook up" sites. About 3 or 4 of them I could see he was actively chatting online to women sending messages etc. He even went so far as uploading a photo of himself and put out his mobile number. Prior to us getting engaged, we had 3 huge fights regarding our sex life. We both agree that it was an issue. He discussed it with his sister and close friends and they said if you're not satisfied with how things are going then leave. I admit from my side that I did not listen to his needs and that he wanted more. Before we got engaged I also admit I pressured him to a certain extent that we get engaged soon even though he had told me a few times he wasn't financially ready I admit I was selfish and kept pushing for it which I now see was so wrong. When I found out about the profiles I was devastated to say the least. The only decision I could make was to cancel the wedding which I organised straight away. I confronted him about it and he said he went on there as he was sexually frustrated, had never met anyone from those sites and never would and wrote inappropriate messages to these women to release his frustrations. There were 6 women who tried to text message and ring him but he made excuses or never answered there calls knowing he couldn't go through with it. He admitted he did it for 1 year and started it 3 weeks after we returned from our Europe trip when he purchased a new phone and then had Internet access. He does not own a computer or laptop and his work requested he obtain a new phone as his old phone didn't allow him to look up information for work as he works out in the field as a law enforcement officer. At work they have strict restrictions that does not allow access to certain websites which includes adult sites. Since I have found out I have been totally confused as to what to do. When I did find out about the profiles, I told his mum, his sister, brother-in-law, my sister and 4 of my best friends. I told them as I was so angry and in need of help and advice and also wanted to humiliate him. I am so angry, upset, hurt and disappointed by this whole situation and still cannot believe I am in this predicament. It definitely has been an emotional roller coaster. We have deleted all his profiles, deleted his email account that was attached to these sites, he has changed his cell phone number and cut up the old sim card in front of me. He is so remorseful and constantly apologises saying he will never do it again, told me he was humiliated when I told his family, he doesn't know what he was thinking and that he was in a dark place and didn't feel he could come and talk to me about it as the last 3 huge arguments we had got him nowhere. At the time I had also lost my job of 7 years and was so stressed out in trying to find a new one plus juggling part time university, he said he could see I was stressed and he didn't want to add to it. I do admit though that at the time and for awhile, I was in a state that I was stressed out that I would have been unapproachable. Over the last few months I have seen old messages on his phone from these sites that he said he forgot to erase and now has. Last week I saw 2 text messages from women that had contacted him and he declined to meet them. These were messages from 1 year ago that he said he forgot to delete them as he has been stressed out by what he has done. He has promised to buy a new cell phone as soon as he can, install a parental control application on it that I would have the password to and that I am free to look at his phone whenever I want. I am having issues at accepting what has happened and that he betrayed me and our relationship for a year. I also feel so hurt that whilst I was busy starting in my new job and planning our wedding that he was doing this behind my back. We started couples counselling a month ago and the 1st session was intense but the last 2 sessions the counseller has made us discuss our needs and for the other to acknowledge and repeat back what they are to the other. My partner gets along with my family and friends very well and myself with his family. The people I have told cannot believe his actions including his mum and sister who are disgusted by it. Since this whole situation was revealed our sex life has improved dramatically and we both can't believe how much happier we are in that respect. I am unsure as to if I would be able to get past the whole betrayal and deception for a year.. I feel this is what I am struggling with the most. He promises to never do it again and constantly apologises when he sees I get upset about the whole situation and tells me I am the only one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. He has been doing things through actions trying to make up for what has happened but I feel I am still stuck on the huge betrayal even though I can see he is really trying. I have said to him numerous times I don't think I can get past this and he has begged for me to not give up on us and he will show me if I give him a chance. I ask him questions about the sites and he tells me everything but says he doesn't want to continuously discuss it and wants to move forward and he said he needs me and our couples counseller to tell him what to do and he will do it as he can"t think of any solutions. The things I have asked him to do as in deleting profiles, email address, calling me during the day whilst at work and at night after work, changing cell number, going to couples counselling he has been willing to do and is still doing. He told me last week that if it takes the rest of his life to earn my trust back then that's what he will do. I am having huge issues with trust at the moment as before this I have had no issues with this at all with him. He said that he will help me try and get through these trust issues as much as possible. He tells me to please give him a chance and that what he is doing now should show me he is willing to do whatever it takes to fix this and make our relationship work and that he doesn't want to lose me. I am afraid that if he did this again, I would not have the strength to get through it a second time and I have told him that I would leave and he would never see me again. He told me not to worry that we will never be in a situation like this again.. I have told him his actions will speak louder to me than words. However, I do not want to be in a situation from now into the future where I feel in doubt as to what he is doing when I am not around him. I am also old fashioned and think that if someone was truly in love with you they would never cheat. He said he loves me so much and went on there to let his sexual frustrations out. I told him he should have broken up with me if he wasn't satisfied but he says he loves me so much he just couldn't and wouldn't be able to do it. I have always felt that if someone ever cheated on me in any way then I would leave but it's much harder when you're in the situation yourself and knowing what to do after being together for 6 years. We have experienced so much together and both agree that our communication skills and sex life have been huge issues for awhile which is what we have been discussing at counselling. I have always wanted to get married and have kids but could I do that with someone who betrayed me and lied to my face for 1 year? How do you suggest I should approach this situation? Do you think I should give him a second chance?
@Belle......Let's say for a moment that he was doing exactly what he says he was doing. Flirting and leading these women on for fun. (We're not saying it's right, but go with us here.) So in his mind he didn't really do anything. (Once you mention that he also deals with financial scammers we can see how he might group the two. An odd hobby.) Anyway, the point is, it doesn't matter what he thinks or believes, it matters more what you are able to live with. Meaning, do you trust him? Do you believe that he's loyal to you? Can you go away on vacation and feel comfortable or are you going to be wondering what he's up to? It sounds like he has a lot of unaccounted time on his hands. Are you comfortable with this? This is the bigger issue here. Because right now it's he said, she said. But that almost doesn't matter. This is about you, and how you feel about his behavior. And for the record, we don't agree with him. He went WAY beyond flirting. (Citing this website won't help your cause. It will just create more divisions. We just wanted to tell you.) So, the question is: How can you move forward here? How can you get back on the same page? A good place to start is couple's counseling. It might help the two of you find some kind of common ground. What do you think? Last thing: His vocation does factor in here in some ways. It just means he's more comfortable in a world that a lot of people aren't comfortable in. Which means, his boundaries may be a bit more malleable.
hi..well early yesterday morning i made a copy of the email that he sent to her where he said he wanted to make love (not have sex) to her on an isolated beach (like we have done) and he would like nude pictures of herself. i had to go to a meeting and when i returned he was still asleep. meanwhile a long email had arrived from the polish woman with pictures of herself and girlfriend. after he had showered and dressed i showed him the email and he began to laugh and tore it up. he said that the woman was a scammer and that as soon as she would ask him for money he would end the emails. OMG...he said it was fun to lead them on and let them think he was interested so they would maybe send him nude pictures of themselves and then ignore them, because they should not be scamming men. so he inadvertently volunteered that he was doing this a a regular basis. i checked her first email and the address was with gopsoft.net, which is a pseudo dating site but all the pictures are nudes. he said he was playing these women and that it didnt mean anything at all. he said he did not mean a word he said to them, as if this made it alright. he said that he is sure that if he told men what he does they would laugh and he knew that women would be upset. he also said that probably if a male friend of both of us knew, then he would just say to him, "you fucked up" but that our friend would tell me, that "it was no big deal. "of course, this is not true. i said if i told all our male relatives and male friends they would not agree with him. in fact, i dont feel he would be welcomed at all. so he said he was sorry and what did i want him to do about it. i asked him to send her an email saying that he was inappropriate because he was in a long term relationship and not to contact him again. so he did. then he trashed/deleted her file with all her pics and emails. i think he was in shock because he asked me how i found the file since he had hidden it. i told him i had very good detective skills ie my gut. plus she had uncharacteristically sent her email by 930am instead of 330pm, so it was sitting there in the inbox when he sent her the dear john email. of course, he keeps telling me that he is sorry and never meant to hurt me and that it is not cheating because he is just playing online. i said to him that he is only sorry because he was caught, since it seems he is addicted to this sort of thing (he also does this with financial scammers). but these he is always asking my advice what to do with them. of course i ask him to stop responding to their ads. he does not feel he was deceitful, since he had no physical plans with these women. so i asked him, then why did you hide the files. "i knew you would not like it." OMG. he finally said he would never never do it again and how many times does he have to say he is sorry and that he loves me and did not mean to hurt me.. he is also having a hard time looking at my eyes when he says this. i said that obviously we are on different planets/parallel universes because he does not think he did anything wrong and it is not cheating because he did not mean what he said to these women. how illogical is that. i said to him that he is selfish, totally into self gratification, he has no self control and has no parameters of what is appropriate behavior. he is totally okay with acting out his fantasies. he vehemently denies that he was acting out because it is online not face to face, he says that he was only flirting (and that is okay?-this boggles my mind.) I said to him when you are flirting with a woman and you tell her that you want to make love to her on the beach, that is no longer flirting, that is pre-sex talk. he just shakes his head as if thinking "she doesnt get it." we had another heated discussion today, his unspoken position is he is sorry that he was discovered and that he did not do anything wrong, he was not cheating or being deceitful just having fun and that he loves me very much, i am his best friend, he trusts me implicitly and will never do it again and that he did not do it to be mean to me. so i am going out of town xmas eve to be with my family for 3 days. he is going to his family for 1 day. i have no idea what i will do new years eve. we usually have a party, but i have not eaten much because my stomach is a big knot, so even less i feel like partying. i suggested he see a therapist because of his continuing inappropriate choices, he looked at me as if that is never gonna happen. so i have blanked out on my next move. advice? thank you.
@Belle........Thanks for filling us in. With this new information—nude graphic artist—we're not quite sure what to think. What we don't like is the correspondence piece of this and the fact that he's taken this from the fantasy realm to reality. (Or he's at least talking that way.) Do you think he's actually gone beyond correspondence with any woman? Is that what you're wondering about? So the question is WHY? Why is he doing this? Clearly he needs affirmation from as many women as possible that he's attractive still. And if that's the case, this kind of behavior isn't likely to stop because these feelings are internal and deep-seeded, and this "empty" feeling that he has needs to be constantly replenished. (One person can't do it.) We also think he doesn't realize how good he has it, and that he's now taking you for granted. At the very least your relationship needs a shake up. So what's your plan? Questions?
hi...i dont feel he would want to break up with me. he often says he loves me and that he would never want to be with anyone else. but apparently he wants to have these thrills too. i am 55, divorced also, and do commercial modeling, so i am not worried about being alone. he complains often that his money is running out, as long as i know him. he lives frugally from an inheritance. last year we were in asia for 2 months and i took my laptop. i like to look at my history because sometimes i use it as a bookmark. well i noticed that whenever he used my laptop he would erase my history, which frustrated me. one day when i opened safari a sex site came up and i asked why was he looking at that and at first he denied it but since i pressed him and knew that i didnt pull it up. he said he was bored. he is a prolific graphic erotic artist and likes to collect pictures of nude women for ideas. since we were on vacation i let it go and he stopped. he has an almost daily routine of going to the local bar for an hour by our apartment for happy hour. i do not go because i rehearse with a folkloric dance group. i know that he likes to flirt and feel young and he likes to mention how young women think he is much younger. but i feel that is the wine talking, he is 20 pounds overweight and has a strong arthritic limp. he had cosmetic surgery under his eyes 2 years ago. he is usually home by 8 and has prepared dinner earlier so we eat when he arrives. he is italian and is a great cook and prepares all the meals. 20 years ago i was sitting at a restaurant in new york when he came over to me and introduced himself to me and told me i was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. we talked a while and he gave me his card. i was out of town for a month and when i returned i called him. he told me it was love at first sight but i soon realized he was a player. he was also going thru a divorce. i dated him off and on until he said he wanted an exclusive relationship and wanted to live together or marry if that is what i wanted. so we have lived together, travel together, had family reunions and slept together for 15 years. he sometimes complains that i am not as sexy as i used to be and that translates that i do not give him daily bjs. i tell him i would like reciprocity and he uses his arthritis as an excuse. nevertheless, i wear sexy lingerie for us and we sleep nude and i like to hug and kiss and make love to him. when we were first together, he use to constantly photograph me and use me as his model. he stopped about 5 yrs ago without telling me why. since he was a player i did have trust issues with him but when we began to live together we were always together unless i was working/rehearsing and he seemed very devoted. so i decided to trust him and not worry because worry causes wrinkles. he learned to use the computer 10 yrs ago and went from oils to graphics and taught himself graphic design and he has a book of graphic arts nudes. so now i am wondering if he has signed up for any of these sites that are mentioned on this page. in fact now i am wondering if this has been going on for a long while because in the first email from this woman she said that she had him as one of her contacts for a very long time. he also erases all his history, email, junk, sent, trash every day. i thought it was just because he was beyond anal. it was an anomaly that he had not sent the draft of the email. he is uber anal in everything he does, he even cleans the apartment because he thinks i am not neat enough. i was expecting to be with this man forever, i thought that his need to explore new sexual relationships had resolved itself. i feel that i absolutely do not trust him now and i feel that i have to confront him and tell him that i will not be his partner any longer. time to put my armour on. belle
@Belle........We're sorry. Yes, he will be defensive, but you really can't let it go can you? What are you worried about? That he'll break up with you? Fill us in a bit and we'll offer some opinions.
hello there i have been with my partner 20 years. he gave me his email password because he prefers i answer some of his legal emails which i prefer to do when he is with me. he asked me for my email password and i gave it to him. he is an artist and 69 years old. a couple of days ago when i was on his computer, i noticed a woman's name. he had written a draft responding to this woman who is in poland who is looking for marriage, that he would like to be alone on a beach with her and kiss her. i went into shock because apparently this has been going on for at least 2 weeks and has escalated into sexy talk emails and (many sexy pictures on her part). i think he thought he had sent this email because he has no clue that i saw it. i would like to know what to say to him because i have a feeling he is going to be offensive/defensive, i.e. deny everything. he has hidden all their emails in the computer which i found. i still cannot believe that he is doing this, why is he risking our relationship. we enjoy sex even though he does not have the same stamina but now i usually have to seduce him instead of him me. thank you. belle
@Ashley......This is your call. You have to trust your gut, and ultimately make the decision. We can't tell you what to do. Depression can cause people to behave in many different ways. Certainly something is going on for him to make him do this. Boredom, we doubt it. Depression, possible. The pattern he's displaying is: He gets upset, or something isn't going right, and then he turns to these behaviors. And this will keep happening unless he does something to start changing how he reacts to his feelings. We suggest he see a counselor, or some sort of professional, to help him understand his impulses, and then give him tools to combat his urges. Otherwise, this will stop for a time, and then start up again when something else difficult happens for him. So Ashley, this comes down to you. Do you want to give him another chance? Are you able to be open to him again? Are you able to be in a relationship with this guy, without feeling like you have to check his phone, or snoop on his computer? That's the issue. Not only does he have to do a lot of work on himself, but you have to be a supportive partner as he works through this. (You might even need to do some work yourself to help you cope.) So what do you think? Are you up for the task? Are you ready to put this kind of effort into this relationship? Some people choose yes, and some choose no. It's an individual decision. Good luck. Feel free to use us as a sounding board. Take care. Thanks for sharing our site with all of your friends.
He keeps saying he is more sorry than he has ever been in his life. That he doesnt know why he did it and it was a mistake. Apparently, he was bored (which he would be, because he was awake until about 4 that morning) and that he messed up. He said it means notng to him and that I should know it. He seems to think that by telling me the girls are not good looking, it will make me think differently. I cant tell if its because he is upset by not having enough work (he has been losing a lot of jobs with the weather changing) feeling low about himself. I trust him to a limit.. this has just made it hard. Last time he went as far as giving his number out, this time he didnt. I packed his stuff and told him to leave and he just got upset saying he knew it was so wrong and that it wouldnt happen again. What if its depression?
@Ashley.......We're sorry. Question: Who said it was better than porn? You or him? We can't agree with that statement no matter who said it. Guys are obviously very visual. So looking at porn is a natural offshoot of that. But creating a profile on a dating site is really a different matter entirely. Guys don't create profiles to look at women; they create profiles to see what else is out there. Which means, he's either not satisfied with what he has—you—or he's one of these guys who needs more than one person. Our suggestion: This should not be swept under the carpet. He's embarrassed? Well, he should be. He also should be remorseful, and be doing everything in his power to make this right. (If that's possible) And the even bigger issue is that this is now a pattern of behavior. (More than once makes it a pattern) Bottom Line: Ask yourself if you really can trust this guy? And if you're not sure, what is he doing to try and work on this issue he has? The two of you have a lot to talk about. Thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuz. And share on Facebook. Please help a fellow reader and take a moment to VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks.
I'm only 22 years old, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half -- he's 24. This is the second time ive found a secret profile on a dating site. The first time was while we werent living together.. this time he did it while I was sleeping &we live together. He cried the first time I told him I was leaving him.. this time he just kept saying he knew it was messed up, horrible and that he wont do it again. Said once before that its better than porn, because he is having to kind of work for it to see if theyre a "slut." He always seems sorry, but it seems he just wants it to blow over and not keep talking about it because he says he is embarrassed. Wat do I do? He is a loving guy, I am just worried. Ive dated a guy before that had a problem with this. I just dont understand.
@Laura.......We're sorry. We understand this is difficult and complex, but what specifically are you asking? (You should definitely read some of the other questions/responses on this forum. It might help give you some more perspective.) Some thoughts: Are you wondering what he's actually doing on these sites? Think about this: Why would he sign up if he was just curious? That seems like a lot of steps, requiring some conscious thought. We're not pronouncing him guilty because we don't know him, and don't know for sure what his intentions are, but we still can't think of a good reason to be registered on a sex site, other than to try and get sex. Can you? What's probably confusing is the contrast between the way he treats you, and the fact that he's on there. And believe it or not, guys can compartmentalize these things quite easily. One is a relationship. One is sex only. This is why guys used to have mistresses back in the "day." Or why they visited brothels. These men had no plans on leaving their wives or families, they just wanted a different taste now and then. Your thoughts? Once again, we're sorry you're having to deal with this. Hang in there. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks!
Hi there, I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years and i have recently found out that he is registered on several sex sites where he specifies that he is looking for fun and casual encounters. He has uploaded photos on 2 of them that i know of and i know that he set 2 of them up whilst we have been together. I don't know what this means? We are both committed to our relationship which he has proven several times and we both have tattoos with personal messages and names for each other. I have confronted him about it which he denied for ages before he admitted it and said he was scared that if he admitted it i would have left him. I just cant understand the situation fully as he says there was nothing behind it no reason what so ever! We have also been trying for a baby for several months now to top it all off! Any advice would be much appreciated.
@xxx......Well, you've got to trust your gut. You should read the original post and some of the comments and our responses. Typically, we don't know a reason a guy would visit a dating/sex site other than to do what the site is advertised for. There's so much porn available online, that we can't see how that would be the reason. Of course, this is your call. You've got to do what feels right. No matter what you do, just keep your eyes open. Take care and good luck. Come back anytime. And thanks for sharing our site.
I believe that he won't forgive me for snooping, so that's why I don't want to tell him. I just don't know if he could be cheating or if it is 'harmless'
@xxx......Why can't you? Think about this. Let's say a guy thought his wife was cheating. So he hired a private investigator to follow her. And the PI did indeed find out that she was cheating with hard evidence. Would he be able to confront his wife or would he have to keep it a secret? It seems to us, that yes, you were snooping, and yes, if you bring it up he'll try to reverse it on and blame you. But at the same time you found out the exact thing you were worried about. To us that trumps any accusations he might make of you snooping. And if you don't bring it up, what are you going to do? Sit on it? Your thoughts? Ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks!
Hi, I'm in a similar situation: So I recently discovered mails from the site findsex in my boyfriend his email. I wanted to know what he was doing there, since we have been dating for over six years, so I made an account myself. When I wanted to look at his account I saw that he was only a standard member, so he probably doesn’t pay to contact people and that he listed himself in a wrong country. But I also saw that he was interested in erotic chats, sex and discrete relationships. I don’t know if he just uses the site for watching porn or if he is cheating on me? I don’t think I can confront him with this, because I’ve obviously been snooping. xXx
@Karen.......Not only do we not mind, we are very glad you chimed in. In fact, we'd like readers to help each other as much as possible. Thank you.
If the guys don't mind my advice to Laura? Laura you asked how to find out if he had profiles? I went to about thirty of these sites (by Googling) and set up fake profiles with a fake (newly made) email address and searched by location and age to find my husband. Look for user names that relate to him like "harleyguy" or anything else he may be proud of. He may not have a photo (mine didn't) but it will tell you if he had basic (free) memberships with with you can NOT connect with others, or if he paid for a membership. I hope this helps.
@Laura.....Yes, that is frustrating. Well keep us posted and good luck.
Thanks - I understand. But the sex issue is frustrating for me, because I am the one who wants it. I always have to initiate it. He has never been one to need sex very often. But now it seems when I do ask....he says "I suppose we can...." at first I just thought, were older, weve been married a long time, thats normal. But after awhile you just feel like he must find me unattractive or he doesnt love me. I dont know. I just cant live like this...always checking up on him and not trusting. I will talk to him today & hopefully try counseling. Thanks!
@Laura.........The reason why we mentioned men and physical intimacy is because he might be feeling very down about that aspect of your relationship. And if the two of you aren't having sex, that's probably making him feel disconnected to you. (We're not saying this is your fault, we're just explaining.) You on the other hand don't feel connected to him emotionally, and you don't trust him, so the last thing you probably want to do is have sex. You see the dilemma? That's why a professional might help you sort all of this out. Keep us posted and good luck. Come back anytime to bounce something off of us. Or just to visit. Take care.
Thank you. I just want him to be honest with me...I feel there is a possibility we could move forward (with counseling) if he is honest & tells me why he needs to look. I do understand the porn - I know men are more visual. Its the hook up sites that are the issue. I have thought maybe he just wants out, but I think he he stays because I have no job and have been ill (possible MS)for over a year. I think he feels like he would look like the "bad guy" if he left me now or it would be too difficult & expensive to get divorced. A part of me is afraid to be alone. I have no job & no where to go, but I cannot live like this either! I have asked him if he wants out or is just staying because I am ill & he says no, he doesnt want to leave - he says he loves me all the time. But the actions just dont match the words. I want us to be close - but that cant happen without honesty.
@Laura.......Hmm.....Understand that looking at porn and visiting hookup sites are two very different animals. Most guys like looking at porn, at least in some form or another. But visiting hookup sites is a different matter. Yes, we believe these sites pop up from time to time depending on what porn site you're looking at, but no one is forcing anyone to click on them. Of course, we might buy that he was curious one time. Multiple times is a much more difficult sell. But all of this is not the issue really. The problem is a basic trust issue in your relationship. If you totally trusted your husband and the same thing happened, you might just say to yourself he was curious. And then the two of you would discuss it, and the problem would be solved. (Generally) But since there's a history, that means this looks more like a pattern rather than a isolated incident. And now the questions arise, and the worry. Just because he hasn't brought up the counseling idea again doesn't mean you should drop it. We think that's a good start. We can't say for sure what's going on, but something is. The two of you are ships passing in the night. And something to understand about guys: Men feel connected when they're having sex with a woman. (Woman might need more emotional connection.) But for guys it's all about the physical connection. If that's missing from your relationship, then he's drifting. So you've got a lot of issues to work on. What's going on is just a symptom of larger issues that need to be discussed and resolved if possible. Your thoughts? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. On Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks.
I have been reading many posts and have a similar problem. I have been married 17 yrs / 3 children. I found my husband has been looking at a lot of porn online and going to several sex hookup websites (not like match.com) I started snooping because we hardly ever have sex anymore. I always have to ask & he doesnt seem that interested when I do. All I kept thinking was, if he is not getting it from you, he must be getting it somewhere! That and he has been getting up earlier & earlier (before his alarm) and I know he is on the computer. But when I checked at first, everything was wiped off, so I knew he was hiding something. I am not very good with the computer, but I figured out how to check the history and found everything. But I dont know how to see if he actually set up an acct on any of these sites. He does not have his own e-mail (that I know of) and he does not have a smart phone or anything. He has also been leaving for work at least an hour early & works late all the time. I checked his phone & found nothing. When I confronted him, he denied it all, but then admitted he was looking at porn and the other sites just "popped up". But when I told him I had been to those same porn sites to check them out, nothing "popped up" for me. There are ads all over the page for sites to meet & hook up, but you have to actually click on them. He swears he has not been with anyone else & he he swears he did not go to these sites. I want to believe him, but I feel like he is lying because early in our marriage I found a womans phone number in his wallet. I called the number & found out it was a woman he met while driving truck. He said he never cheated, but he was obviously looking. I forgave him then & our relationship got better. But now this brings up all those same feelings. I thought things were good between us (except our sex life. I felt better after we talked & I thought maybe he was telling the truth, He said he would go to counseling if I wanted. But it has been a week & he hasnt mentioned it since, but has also not touched me either. He has not been on the computer (at least at home). I decided to check again & went to several of the sites he had been to & nothing popped up except the live webcam/chat sites that he was on several times. But there were NO casual sex / hookup sites that popped up. Then when I checked the history again (I kept track of the sites/dates) I realized there was one day where that was the ONLY site he went to! I havent talked to him about this yet, I am sick to my stomach. I dont know if he has physically cheated but he has been looking. I guess I just wondered how you can find out if he has made a profile? I do know on f**kbook site he was on on several days had a profile of a person up (from the same little town we live in) with her age & description on 2 different days. What do you think?
I just read your post - thank you so much and I will most definitely be sharing your site!!
Also (you, by now, know that there is always a "one more thing" coming from me) is there any credit due for the fact that he didn't pay for membership to any of these sites. Do you consider this that he still "joined"? Even though he was unable to contact or be contacted?
@Karen.........Thanks for sharing some more helpful details about your relationship. In general, from what you describe, it sounds like you have a pretty happy and healthy relationship. It's hard for us to say for sure one way or another what he's up to. And we also hate to see couples break up. So we're pulling for you guys. But we highly recommend couple's counseling. (With someone else. This guy seems a bit too confident of his opinions, don't you think. Who says that? "there are a lot of bad men out there......") Maybe he's right, but counselors are supposed to facilitate dialogue, not make statements of fact. Here's what we suggest: Continue talking about this with your husband. Get the couples's counseling going. Keep in touch with how you feel about the situation. And come back as much as you'd like to use us as a sounding board. Sound like a good plan? ps. And do us a favor? Please share our site with all of your friends. We'd appreciate it.
A lot of very good points in your post, thank you. Sometimes it helps just to hear from an objective person. My age is 43 and I am a very successful business owner. At this point I bring in more money than he does but that has never been an issue that I know of, he supports me and my business in every way and appreciates the fact that it allowed him to retire. (retired police captain). I "control" the money because that is how he asked for it to be. He didn't want to be responsible for writing checks or paying bills, etc. so both of our incomes go into one account and I manage it. He takes out money as he needs it and is very happy with the arrangement. He controls most other aspects of the relationship. He is what our therapist called "hyper masculine". He does need validation about his physical self, he loves compliments, etc. Makes him smile. On the other hand he cries at sad movies and is a big softy inside. One thing I didn't mention that the counselor thought was important is that while this happened he was on a medication called Neurontin. This medication has been known to cause hypersexuality and lowered inhibitions. I have a hard time writing it off as that though. However, he has been off the medication for a month now and is back to his normal, twice a week self. During the medication phase (four months) he was very sexual and even performed oral on me vigorously, which he usually has an aversion to. (not an aversion to me, just to the act). He also expressed an interest in other minor things in bed he has never been interested in before. But now, back to normal. Which I am actually very happy about. I guess my main concern is am I seeing a side to him that I didn't know was there? I think you are right that couples counseling may be in order, and he was open to it until that first counselor (highly recommended) let him off the hook. The counselor told me "there are a lot of bad men out there and you didn't marry one of them". He also told me he can spot an unfaithful man by the things that they say and he was confident in my husband. I just wasn't sure how someone could say that after an hour. I actually just want to know if good men make mistakes or if this is an indication of a life of this stuff. We dated four years before we were married and this is the first time we have had something like this happen. But of course, then I think, he's married now so he's comfortable and maybe a bit more daring.
@Karen.....Did you mention how old you are? We're just curious. The reason we ask is it sounds like you are kind of running the show so to speak. Would you say that's the dynamic of your relationship? If so, a part of this feels like a guy "acting out." Like his way of exerting some control, since it sounds like you have most of the control. Which brings us to the power balance in your relationship. Is it balanced, or do you have more power than him? We're just wondering. We like to see the power balanced so people can negotiate and compromise from a position of strength. Now, let's address your main concern. Is this an indicator of someone who's likely to cheat? Our first reaction is, we've never heard of anyone signing up for a dating site/hookup site to just look. Of course we've heard that excuse a thousand times but we've always had a hard time buying it. Porn is too accessible these days. Naked pictures are all over the internet. Why would someone go through all the trouble of signing up for a hookup site when you can just go to YouPorn or some other site like that and see what you need to see? You mention that he gets really horny on the 4rth day after sex. Well, so?? So does almost every guy on the planet, but that doesn't make every guy go sign up for a hookup site. Once again we're not saying he's doing something for sure, but his horniness is just an excuse. This is about honoring vows, and honoring commitment. It shouldn't matter how long you're away. If he's that horny he knows how to take care of himself. He shouldn't be off trying to scout for some action. Now that we've said our piece, we like that he's trying to show you that he's a honorable and faithful guy. So what this comes down to is: Do you believe him? Because that's what this is about now. Do you believe you can trust him again? Because Karen, you can't keep living like this. Your relationship isn't going to survive you putting a "parental control" on the computer, and snooping on his phone, etc. It's not good for your emotional well-being, and after a time it's going to make him very resentful, which may cause him to "act out" even more. In essence, a vicious cycle. So that's the question: Do you think you can trust him again? Well? ......We also suggest finding a couple's counselor that you're both comfortable with and going regularly if you want to try and work past this. We also would encourage you to see someone to help you work through some of your past issues of betrayal, and current. And he's not off the hook either. If he truly did this with some intent, he needs to gain some insight as to why. Does he feel something's missing in your relationship? Is he not content? Does he have some sort of issue with needing attention? You get our point. There's a lot of work to be done by all parties. First you need to decide if you're willing to do the work. Then you've got to get him on board. And then you actually need to begin. Does this make sense? What do you think? Yes? No?
I forgot to add...he didn't pay for the memberships but I'm afraid it may have been out of fear because I manage the money and see the credit card statements. He did mention he could have easily bought a prepaid credit card or sent a money order but he didn't want to. It concerned me that he gave it that much thought!
Thank you SO much for your reply. I really appreciate it. I've been all-consumed by this for the last month and cannot concentrate on much else. I was with a man for twelve years who continually cheated on me and I grew up listening to my father continually accuse my mother of looking at other men, although she was not. My father is the one who ended up having an affair (only one that I know of) So, something like this may be a "blip" for someone else but for me this moved him right into the "cheater" category. I'm comforted by the fact that he didn't pay for any memberships, nor did he "wink" or flirt or add anyone to any "hot lists". The sites he joined, were looked at when he joined and then he would move onto another one that popped up and never logged back into the others. When I confronted him he gave me the password without hesitation so I could look. The part I'm bothered by is the same one you are bothered by. Why bother changing his status to "married but looking"? i don't understand that. He said he just wanted to be honest that he was married. To answer your question, to regain my trust he has not complained one bit that I (and I'm embarrassed I did this) put parental controls on both of our computers to block these sites. He leaves his email open, and does not complain when I look at his phone. I'm not sure what else I can ask him to do. My fear is that when he finds a job he will have access to a whole different computer and email that I will not be able to check (again, maybe my issues?) but this now terrifies me. I'm also afraid to travel now because this happened while I was away. He always gets very horny on the 4th day without sex and he signed up on the 4th, 5th and 6th days after I left. When I returned from my trip I wasn't in the door three minutes and he had me in bed, just ravaging me. I should add we have an amazing sex life. Better than any other before for both of us. I'm so confused about whether this is an indicator of intent to cheat. He's doing everything he can to be a good husband but I can't get past this.
@Karen.....Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it. First of all you need to see a different counselor. Not that we're saying he's/she's totally wrong, just that it sounds like he's making excuses for your husband and placing the blame on you, instead of getting to the bottom of the issue. (Loss of identity is not an excuse it's an explanation. Nor do we think you have major trust issues.) We're also not condemning your husband, we're just saying your focus should be: How can you learn to trust him again, and what can he do to regain your trust. Those are the issues. Question: What is he doing to try to regain your trust? How is he reassuring you that it was a bad mistake and that it will never happen again? Is he doing any of that? That's what we'd like to see. Fill us in some more and we'll offer some more feedback......As per men and porn. Men love looking at pictures. Typically they look at porn online or in magazines. Taking into consideration his computer illiteracy, that could possibly account for why he went on the sites. But he's a smart guy, right? He is able to differentiate between pictures and hookup sites, right? That's what concerns us. And the fact that he actually changed his status. We're going to think on this some more. We have a meeting and we'll be back later tonight. Give us some more info and we'll go from there. In the meantime, hang in there. Hopefully you two can work this out somehow, and chalk this up to a bad decision that's in your past.
So sorry I keep forgetting things... he changed the default on one of them from "single" to "married, but looking".
Oh - and the counselor said he may be struggling with loss of identity after retiring. But still...
Hi Guys. My problem isn't with "dating" sites, my problems is I recently found my new husband on "sex hookup" sites. I saw some in his email (which I was in looking for our car rental confirmation!) He registered for about 12 of these sites over a period of seven days while I was out of town. He signed up with basic information such as height and weight but on one website they asked for endowment and he selected "long and thick". He entered the minimum number of words required with titles such as "smart and sexy seeks same", ... "looking for a lonely housewife, must be discreet". He claims he wrote what he saw everyone else was writing and wrote the bare minimum just to "get in" and look. My husband has never watched porn so I brought porn (on my laptop) into our bedroom one night and showed him how to search for videos. (He's 50 years old and recently retired - and very computer illiterate) He said while I was out of town he tried to access some porn sites and all of these sex sites with pretty women popped up so he clicked on them and had to enter the basic information to be able to look around. I saw all of the sites he registered for and he did not pay for any of them so he could not contact or be contacted. When I found all this was about a month after I got back into town and he hadn't logged into any of them since he had signed up. I saw the women he was looking at and they were local and in other states, far away. The local ones bother me. He said his zip code came up automatically when he logged in. He didn't deny any of this and was embarrassed and apologetic. My problem is... does this indicate a cheater?? He is a family man and reliable in every other sense of the word. He is the guy who is always early and who people call on when they need help. He's a good man. We went to marriage counseling for one visit and the counselor suggested that I may have trust issues and that he didn't think my husband intended on following through after talking with him. I do have trust issues from my past but NEVER checked up on my husband. I married him because of his integrity and character and never in a million years thought he would do this. Now the floodgates are open and I spend my days looking at sex sites to "find" something and checking his phone (which I never have). His phone is always clean and he is not protective over it...ever. My question is... do men look at these women with no intention of contacting them? Why not just search "naked women"? He said it was because they popped up and were right there in front of him. My husband has a relatively low sex drive (about twice a week) but has a STRONG appreciation for beauty. Can a man who does this be trusted??
@Christine.....We'll be thinking of you! Have fun and keep us posted please. Take care.
We're meeting up on the 12th of december. wish us luck please :)
@Christine......Well, let us know how it goes when you meet up and if you have any other questions then. Do you have a date set?
Yes we have plans on meeting up :) and we've also done some video calls, it's been amazing, everything has been great. He's not deceptive, not at all. It's just, you know, i can't help but think sometimes, "is he really serious with me?" i guess i'm just a teeny tiny bit paranoid lol. Like it's 'all too good to be true' kind of feeling.
@Christine.....Yes and no. They can fall for you, but is it really you? That's the question. Is it really him? Until you meet in person neither of you will really know how you feel. You only know that you've made a nice connection. That's a good start but it's only a start. Has he talked about getting together? That should be your plan. If he keeps avoiding that, that's a good indication that he's not for real. And if you're wondering whether he's being deceptive somehow, well that's a different question. (We can't say unless we knew him and the situation better.) So what do you think about all this? Let us know and ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. ps. And please share our site with all of your friends. Have them weigh in if they'd like, or ask any questions they might have. Take care and have a nice Thanksgiving.
Hi guys, i just wanna ask something, kinda related with dating sites. So you see, i've been dating with a guy online. We haven't met in person yet but we've seen each other through photos and keep in touch through calls and texts. He's a nice and wonderful person and i am totally devoted to him, i never look at anyone else because i know i have him even though we've never been together in real life. But my closest friends think i'm being stupid for falling over a guy through the net, and they've been saying this a lot of times now that it's starting to dawn on me too.. So i'm wondering, in your point of view guys, do you think you can actually fall for someone over the net even though you've never seen her in person yet? I mean, like real genuine affection?
@Mar.......We're with you. We don't trust him. When people get caught red-handed they often do the whole reversal thing. Here's a question for him: If these were truly just "friends" then why didn't he tell you about them. Why was he being so secretive? And why was he getting together with her when he was out of town? Our take: You're lucky to find this out about him now. Isn't that what your gut is telling you? And what do your friends think? ps. Speaking of friends. We hope you'll share our site with all of them. Thanks. We appreciate it. And on Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz
So i've been dating this guy for about three months and it started off amazing and moved very fast, I met his parents after three weeks. We actually met on Match.com. Throughout our entire relationship, I saw that he was "active" on match and we talked about it multiple times, but he denied being on it. He's done a few other things that kind of questioned my trust for him, so one day I actually snooped on his phone. I found that he was trying to meet with his ex at a concert when he was out of town and also hanging out with one of his girl "friends" another time he was out of town. They were sending very flirty texts back and forth. I confronted him about it and he said it's absurd and can't believe that he can't have girl friends. He stormed out. I started questioning myself and contacted him 2 weeks later and we both said we missed each other and he wanted to confirm that I no longer believed he was talking to other girls...I told him I believed him and want to get back together and now he says he doesn't know if I could trust him and basically turned it all around on me that I'm basically having to beg for him back. What are your thoughts?
@Speechless......Okay, maybe he's telling the truth. But if that's the case then why didn't he contact you immediately and try to explain instead of you having to talk to him about him? Seems a bit shady to us. As per your question. He's got to want to be with you. You can't make him feel or act a certain way. It has to come from him. Do you think you can really trust this guy?
I confronted him about the website...turns out he knew the whole time that he sent me that invitation. it was by accident. His explination was that he had opened the account before meeting me and that the night he sent me an invitation he was bored and decided to log on again. He said he even forgot the password and had emails to prove it and it was through that process that he accidently sent an invitation nessage to everyone in his email contacts list. I'm hessitant to believe him...even if I were to stay with him, how can I make him feel that being with me is enough?
@Speechless......Well, you can't ignore it can you? Don't you think you should talk to him about it. We're very curious to hear what he has to say for himself. But keep in mind, more than once is a pattern. Keep us posted and ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. ps. And do us a favor? Please share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. Take the time to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask the Audience page.
So I'm glad not to be the only girl with this situation though it totally sucks. I wasn't snooping though, I actually got an e-mail that said to open a message from him. i clicked it cause i thought he sent me or a cute e-card through a website. i click it and it asked to fill out information in order to view the message. For my surprise it was a dating site to meet people in your area. I was about to delete the account immediately but then I thought maybe he did the same thing I did and it was a mistake (who am I kidding right?). well he had information filled out, not soo much but enough to.know that he knew what he was doing. I'm speechless now cause this is the second time he attemps to talk and meet other girls. except this time I am the girlfriend now and not another girl he is getting to know while being single. what can I say to him? He obviously sent me the message to join by mistake.
@Ugh....We're really sorry. Betrayal is very hard to deal with. But of course we say, it's better to find out now, then ten years down the road. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Thanks for sharing your story.
i too am in this situation. I got into his email and yes i snooped and was disgusted to say the least. he is on so many dating sits, and one profile says he is looking for marriage. when i ask him about it he denys it and says it not a big deal and loves me. I dont think so buddy, love does not do that. I need to leave. it hurts like hell beucase it has been 4 years. maybe he just wants something new, well he can keep the internet chics if he wants too. its sad so many women are in the same situation. it is not worth it. it is not worth the heart. </3 heartbreak hotel.
@Bella.....Nice to hear from you. Thanks for sharing this very thoughtful and insightful comment/post. We're sure many of our readers will benefit from reading it. Take care.
Hi, I posted on here about a year ago. I had the same problem as all of the ladies on here and was literally shocked and heart broken from what I had found. I just want to try and help some of these ladies by letting you know how things have worked out for me: To cut a very long and painful story short I found my bf on several dating sites as well as messages on his phone and email from girls he had contacted & facebook posts. I confronted him, threw him out, he came back and explained that he had been feeling rubbish about himself and seeking a confidence boost and the girls on there said nice things to him but that he 100% did not want someone else. He went on again twice until we got to breaking point and we ended up sat together while he deleted a profile and I screamed and cried at him that it had to stop. I now think it has (although you will never know for sure) and I finally stopped trawling the internet to find more evidence after becoming so exhausted from it all. Although his reasons were not enough for me, I wanted to know why a man in a very happy loving relationship would do this and risk so much when a woman would never behave like this?!!! So like I am sure many of you are doing I searched for answers on the internet from friends and from family. The problem is each situation is different and there is not one answer. Yes it is obviously becoming a increasing trend among men of all ages to flirt on-line and set up dating profiles to get attention from women, to boost their egos and to help them feel good about themselves. Yes there is the chance that some men take it further but there is also a huge amount of men where it ends there. The questions you need to ask yourself to survive this are: 1. Is there something wrong in your relationship that led to this or was it just the above mixed with boredom and curiosity? - address your relationship how can you make it better - does he deserve you trying to make it work, will he put the effort in too? 2. Do you think he has or would physically cheat as well? - If yes - it is up to you, you need to decide if you can get over it and stay or leave him. If no the same really applies. 3. Is it something he could grow out of or is it something he will always do? If he will always do it will you cope? Once you have the answers to these questions you can then start making decisions. I personally have assessed my relationship and realised that we had been neglecting each other and not making enough time for each other this had led to us both being fed up. I had reacted by ignoring and nagging at him and he had reacted by withdrawing and seeking an ego boost else where rather than just talking to me and sorting it out. WRONG I know but does kind of explain it. I asked him if he had ever physically cheated and he said no - the only thing I could do with this is look at his past and this leads me to think he hasn't but obviously I will never know and I HAVE to accept that. I reacted badly - I questioned him over and over about every little detail and pushed and accused him until one day he had just had enough and said if you don't trust me and believe me then just end it and I realised he was right. I was pushing him away, he had admitted it and apologised for it and wanted to be with me no one else but I just wouldn't let it go. I had made my decision but wasn't going through with it - instead I was wallowing in worry & heartache & the doubt that he might do it again instead of getting on with the rest of our lives together. Since that day I have let it go - yes that little person in my head nags at me now and then that he could do it again but put the internet and his Iphone to one side and our relationship is amazing - yes he has to grow up, yes he has to respect me and our relationship more but other than tell him that until I am blue in the face like I already have there is little more I can do if I want to stay with him. It was only when I decided to let it go that I started to move forward and stop having anxiety attacks about the whole situation. I decided that I couldn't live my life worrying about what he might or might not do. I had made my choice and instead of dumping him I decided he was worth staying with because of the love and strength in our relationship. You must make your decision now to either stay or go. You must then move on. I say this from approx one year's hellish experience of going round and round in circles which ended in me finally realising I could loose the man I loved so very much if I didn't put it behind me. The article below helped me a massive amount and it is the only one that really explains men's behaviour in this situation, I hope it will help you too: Most couples are fine with harmless flirtation. And most couples would consider a passionate kiss to be way off limits. (Though, obviously, for a growing population of "swingers" even sex with someone outside of the relationship is acceptable). The question I put to you is this: If you found out your man was flirting on an Internet dating site... how would you feel about it? On the one hand, it is in the sanitized world of the computer. Several degrees safer than a real, breathing woman in his office. On the other hand, an office flirt seems to have less "intention" than logging on to a site specifically for female interaction. Here's an email from one of my subscribers: My fiancé and I have been together for 2 years. In that 2 years he has broken my heart twice. Twice he has gone on the internet on date sites including the one we met on and started talking to women and had internet and phone sex. I was devastated. We've always been honest with each other I constantly tell him I love him how good he looks how good he is in bed and how he makes me feel. When I tell him that I love him he always tells me he loves me more. I don't know what to do. I work a lot of nights and when I'm at work I have anxiety attacks because of wondering if he's on date site or having phone or internet sex. When we talked about it the first time he said it was just the excitement of it and the second time he said he just wanted to see what was out there and he wasn't looking locally. He shouldn't have been looking at all. How do I prevent this from happening again? - D. Here was my reply: Hey D., Here are the facts that I am certain of: The problem is not with YOU. NOT WITH YOU. It is true that humans (and much more so male humans) are wired to crave sexual variety. The hard-wired desire can't be completely eliminated no matter how much you love someone. However, like the desire for an athlete in training to eat a piece of cake, or the desire of a teenage girl to shoplift a piece of jewelry left out on the counter at the mall, or the desire of an angry guy to punch someone in the nose who just cut him off in traffic... We humans can quite easily transcend our animal desires if we have the will. We can resist these urges. So why is he doing this? Well, it's his ego. He is either unsatisfied in his work, his fitness, his age, or his income. I mean... this is 99% reliable to explain this behavior in a man that is in love (assuming you believe him... and let's assume that you do, and that he is). In the modern world it is very difficult for any guy to feel that he has fully come into his identity as a man... we expect a lot from ourselves. Things don't always work out the way we want. We invest ourselves in some area of ego that we feel like we have some control or success over... For some men that means spending all of his time bulking up in the gym, for some men it means investing himself in his career and becoming a workaholic, or... and for some men that means getting validation from women. There are other ways that we get our validation and our sense of value, and often it is a combination of these things. So let's get to cases here: Should you dump him? If there's no trust, there's no relationship. If he's doing this now, can you rely on him when the chips are really down? Marriages are long and incredibly challenging. You will face disasters you can't even imagine right now. Everyone does. At minimum, you will face the death of parents... but there are so many other things that we humans go through. You deserve a partner that you don't have to constantly worry about. So here's my take (and this part is truly just my opinion): Share these thoughts with him... the facts and the opinions... and tell him that you can't do the job of raising him. You don't need a child, you need an equal partner that you can trust so that you can go forward into a fabulously passionate and joyful life. Like the knight that must slay the dragon before he can't claim the princess, he must fight his inner issues and win his masculine maturity before he can have you. In other words, tell him he needs to work on himself and become a whole person before you can marry him. Marriage requires two whole and mature people to succeed. When his ego is in line, and he has sorted out his own issues, he will not do this shit anymore. I can't promise that he will beat the dragon (dragons are big and they sometimes win). And I can't promise that when he finally does, one or both of you aren't in a new relationship... But that would be the advice I'd give to one of my close friends. Please remember this however: I don't know you. I don't know him. Relationships are more complex than you can sum up in an email questions. And I am nowhere near arrogant enough to tell you that I am certain that I'm right here. In fact, I could be completely wrong. Too many things I just don't know. You must make your own decision. See... we've ALL got dragons. And in our culture, men seem to have a lot of challenges in the area of growing up, and emotional maturity is not anywhere near as valued as it should be. By holding him to a higher standard you might very well become exactly what he needs to grow to the next level. And helping each other to grow as individuals is one of the highest values of a loving relationship.
@Jill......We're so sorry. We wish we could say something to make this better. The first thing we'll say is stop the wedding planning for now. You've got a lot to resolve, if it can even be resolved. How did you find out about his activities? (It's okay, everyone snoops) What we can say is he certainly was up to no good. How far he planned to take it is in question? And has he been doing this throughout your relationship? Has he actually met up with these gals? (Not that it makes much difference, but it would be good to know for a variety of reasons.) But what struck us was your statement: "I know he's just going to like like he has before and make up some sort of excuse." What do you mean by that? Does he have a habit of lying? Is this a pattern? Usually when people snoop, they have a good reason to do it. What made you want to investigate in the first place? (IF that's what you did.) Fill us in and we'll offer some insights if we can. Hang in there.
How would you handle this? My boyfriend and I just got engaged on the 2nd of Nov. And today I found out that he has a profile set up on f**kbooksex.com, stating that he is looking for erotic chat, picture,video exchange and 1on 1 discret relations. I cant even get him to talk dirty to me but he can have cyber sex with these whores? We've been together 2 yrs and Ive never so much as even thought about another person. Im so upset that I cant even bring myself to talk to him about it. I know hes just going to lie like he has before and make up some sort of excuse. Here I was planning our wedding, our furture together and hes hooking up with girls on a sex site.
@hippieshay.....Honestly, we're having a hard time getting on board with this relationship. He may be in a "late stage" of his life, but he certainly doesn't act like it. Instead he's selfish and hurtful. He may say he's on these sites for fun, but we doubt it. The only reason a guy would be on these sites is because he was interested in what else is out there, which would also mean, he's not content with what he has. We don't doubt you're everything he should want, but we don't think he sees it that way. What we're confused about is what you're getting from this relationship besides pain and confusion. He may be wonderful in some ways, but to us it sounds like you're overlooking some serious character flaws. Your thoughts? ps. We tried emailing you, but your address bounced back.
What really gets me is that he portrays himself as single on these sites but insists that honesty is integral to a relationship. He tells me that he's just looking for friends but then tells me he has so little time in his day because of impending commitments & serious financial situations that has compromised our desire to be together. I've asked him repeatedly to stop as this hurts me terribly but he insists that it's my fault, that he put the sites on again after our "last" fight. I'm just wondering why someone would do this, even while throwing it in my face & telling me it's not serious. I feel like a shrew getting angry & jealous but this relationship feels at times like I'm being made a fool of in front of the entire world (the vegetarian world is pretty small & people all know each other in certainareas that he's been searching). Why would he do this at such a late stage in his life when he's found what he's always wanted, a younger, intelligent woman who matches his passions & is his best friend?
My fiance is 69. I'm 52. We live 4,000 miles apart but speak every day. We're both very passionate & I know he adores me. I nurture him, something he's never had. He was celibate for 31 years before I met him & I was celibate for 21 years (although very sexual we had reasons to do this). I backed off marrying him in Hawai'i in 2011, just a gut feeling & scared of moving to another country & dealing with his financial difficulties. Throughout our times together (I have visited him on extended trips, the last 2 of which resulted in terrible trauma back home with pet/house sitters) he has continued being on the same vegetarian dating sites he met me on as well as a few more I discovered. He says it's to meet new friends but he portrays himself as available. He tells me when he gets a reply from someone & even went to meet one woman. I hunted down her identity on the internet & discovered she is a notorious rent cheat wanted in 4 states, owing hundreds of thousands of dollars. He called her by her full name & her jaw dropped. My concern is that he keeps doing this & thinks I have a problem by not letting him "play". He keeps saying honesty is so very important to him but he's not being honest to these women or to our future, which seems mostly steeped in fantasy (he was disinherited by very wealthy parents & never created anything for himself). The worst thing is that in order to prove to him I was serious about "us" I brought tons of very expensive clothes & professional work equipment to his country & he uses that to torture me every time we have a fight by threatening to throw it out or stick it in storage, throwing me the burden of finding a way to salvage it. I hate to say this because I sound like a teenager but he is a fascinating & wonderful person despite his wretched financial situation & some obvious mental issues & warped way of looking at things. We regularly have blow-ups where he resorts to viscious name calling & cursing, which I began to reciprocate (I never cursed before I met him) and then it blows over & we're fine for another few weeks. It's the same in person as over the phone. I really don't know what to do, and money is a real issue on both ends so I can't easily hop on a plane & make things ok.
@Laura.....You're welcome. And thank you!
Thanks, Guys! Yes, I will share your site.
@Cathy......He's up to something. What that is, is hard to say. He's definitely not telling you the complete truth. We don't know if he's cheating yet, but he certainly is doing something behind your back. Also, you should read some of these other comments. And our responses. He's tried to reverse things on you since you were snooping. Yes, you snooped, but you also found damming evidence that he can't ignore. Can you talk to him more about this? What's your plan?
Hi my name is cathy i have a boyfriend who is really sweet and says he loves me he has been helping me because i dont have my own. Place so hes paying rent for me & him. Also he helps me. Pay my phone bill. But the thing i dont understand is when i checked his phone. One night while he was sleeping! I found a couple of dating sites in his phone in his history under google. Lile Zoosk. & airG sites but i asked him about it and he says he hasnt gone on any sites. But he did ask me why i checked his phone he got a liylttle mad. And he says that i go on the sites and accuses me of doing it. Then the next day i found out he changed his password lock on his phone!! Is he cheating on me & lying?? What should i do! Help me with answers plz!!!
@Laura.......You did not overreact. In fact, we thought you handled it quite calmly. More calm and rational than most. And we agree 100% with you giving him the boot. He's not someone to be trusted at all. This was not resolvable. We think he may have had genuine intentions but he seems like the kind of guy who has no idea what a committed relationship is all about and what it takes to be in one. So no worries on that front. However, we get the sense that you're looking for some confirmation that you're not the only one who has been fooled by some guy in this way. Laura, all you have to do is read all the comments on this forum to see that this is becoming more and more prevalent. For cheaters, the internet is like the wild, wild, west. So easy to meet people, and so easy to hide it all. We know this experience has also probably hardened you a bit, and made you wonder if there are any good guys out there, but rest assured there are. We suggest meeting someone face-to-face the next time if at all possible. Have you tried meetup.com as a way to meet people? Something to consider. Try not to beat yourself up Laura. We're impressed with how you handled yourself. Keep us posted on how you're doing and ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. Take care. ps. And we hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
So my question is . . . do you think I handled this well? Did I overreact? Was I impulsive? Or was this resolvable and I killed hope? When he moved in with me, he hadn't been in a relationship in 8 years. I haven't lived with a significant other in about that long. I really didn't see any issues beyond the normal little frictions that arise when two settled people merge households - until the more dramatic things I mentioned earlier emerged (the blowoffs, the exclusions, the discovery of his profile on hookup sites, decreased sexual activity, the thwarting of healthy communication). That I'm aware of, the hookup site profiles were created about 9 weeks after he moved in with me. Were his intentions with me genuine? Or am I some kind of schmuck? We communicated online exclusively from January to late June when he moved in.
I'm so glad I found this page; it really puts things in perspective. Bottom line, you and your beau are coming from two different fields - at the same time YOU are desperate for transparency and honesty so you can make the best decisions for your own wellness (physical, psychological, emotional), HE is doing anything and everything in his power to block you - for reasons of pure selfishness. Essentially he's telling you not to trust your own eyes and common sense. I'm coming out of a very similar situation myself; the level of panic and self-doubt induced by this person's deception were really unbelievable. In the end, I would've been wise to simply trust my instincts and intuition, and cut my losses. But I have a real need for "proof." So here is how it rolled out: we met 20-odd years ago in high school. Both single, we reconnected on Facebook. Despite being about 1,200 miles apart, we fell hard and fast for each other. One thing I loved about him was his commitment to open and honest communication; we divulged PINs for social media and e-mail accounts. After about 6 months of long-distance courtship, he moved in with me (huge risk in any case, I know); I live near our hometown. For whatever reason, one day I accessed his e-mail (with permission granted previously) and got a real eyeful of unread incoming administrative and personal messages from hookup sites (of course there was nothing incriminating in the outgoing mail; those had all been sent to trash - not deleted, and therefore accessible). Thus, I found his profile - complete with photo and "single" status (although in real life, he ridiculously referred to me as his "wife" - which, as we're not married, I never cared for and never reciprocated; in my mind, we were in love and still getting to know each other. I now see he did so to gain my trust.) I confronted him as soon as I was able - perhaps 15 minutes later. He then rolled out the classic reaction: denial and anger. I actually marched him to the pc to show him this stuff as if he were hearing about it for the first time. Awkward! When faced with his actual profile, he claimed he did it for "shits and giggles," because he's bored during his lunch. I launched the logical reactions and counterarguments: "Whaaaaat?!?"; thoughts lead to action (it was a thought that brought him to the NSA site - a site whose mission it is to bring people together solely for sex; it resulted in the action of posting his profile, etc., etc.), not to mention that it reflected an utter disregard for our relationship as well as disrespect for me. This resulted in no real resolution - just circular argument. At this point, we'd been living together for oh! about 9 weeks. You know - the honeymoon phase. And then . . . MR. TRANSPARENCY CHANGED HIS PASSWORDS (to protect me from myself. Seriously, he claims he did this to prevent me from going crazy looking for evidence that's not there.) At this point my trust in him was completely eroded and life was fast becoming a misery. He was communicating less with me, staying out more, not including me in outings with his friends (although he included me in activities with his family, who I adore), and most importantly - exhibiting extreme secrecy with his cellphone activities. But amazingly, I still did not tell him to kick rocks! Instead - with eyes wide open - I gave him the benefit of the doubt. With my diminishing self-respect, I covertly launched a fact-finding mission (not of damnation; I honestly did this with fervent hopes of finding my beloved above reproach). I simply searched phone records - putting names to numbers, looking for patterns, that sort of thing. Surprisingly, I was only unable to identify a handful. . . and those questionable numbers appeared only up until our confrontation. I now know it's BECAUSE HE'D GONE UNDERGROUND! (As a bonus, I also hepped onto a strange number that tied out to a Craigslist ad selling silverware I'd inherited that had been stored in the basement; would you believe a man who came out to do a treetrimming estimate when no one was home, crawled in through a high window, lifted my late Grandmother's silverware, and posted it on CL with his phone number as contact? Neither would I have believed, until it happened to me.) To wrap this up: I had an appointment lined up with a PI today. In the week's interim between making the appointment and today, my last nerve snapped - it was his birthday November 8; he didn't want to celebrate that day per se, so I'd made plans for us to go to a cocktails-hors d'ouevres-networking thing that he was interested in attending, and for which I paid in advance. That afternoon, he indicated he was on the fence about evening plans and wanted to work late (he is remodeling his friend's basement) so he could get the job done and get paid. At 7:30, I asked his plans. At 8:30 he responded he was getting ready to come home. He got home at 11:30. By that time, I dug a bit deeper, searched the cookies on my hard drive, and found yet another NSA site. I created a profile for myself so I could freely search, and found his profile (from our earlier confrontation, he'd said he wasn't aware of any remaining profiles). This account was established two weeks prior to our confrontation*, and it still lives. HE'D LOGGED IN AS RECENTLY AS NOV. 7 ("Yesterday"). His handle included his first name and year of birth; profile itself included his actual DOB, city of residence, height (he is unusually tall), and that he seeks intimate relations. Well, that was proof enough for me. I waited for him to get home and calmly gave him the boot. Subsequently it dawned on me that the day after he established The Account That Still Lives, he had a series of 105 sms and 4 pics/videos to/from one of my mystery numbers. This was a one-time, daylong exchange. And . . . (wait for it) . . . he bowed out of our plans for that day claiming he was tired from helping our friend move the day before. (I went out anyway, and came home to find . . . GUESS! . . . he'd regained his strength and went out for the evening!) I believe he's staying with his sweet folks. So - I cancelled the appointment with the PI (who is our mutual friend's uncle), and schedule one with a shrink! I just want to regain a sense of normalcy in life again. I don't want this unfortunate experience to damage me for a partner deserving of what I have to offer.
@Melanie........Thank you for sharing your story and insights. Take care.
This situation is very painful. I have been through this as well. I met a guy on a well-known dating site 6 years ago. We were both 42! To make a long story short, I really fell for him and he seemed to really love me - within 6 months was talking about marrying me, etc...Well, two years later, I found out he'd been on quite a few dating sites. After breaking up with him for 3 months, I gave him another chance and found out he went on more! Six years later.....he went on one this year. Six....years....of...my....life. I so understand Kacy's feelings. I loved this guy and still do but like the guys say, without trust, love doesn't matter much. And people will say, "They're only dating sites so it's not really cheating." Well, I believe it IS and after six years of giving this guy chance after chance, what I became ultimately was an anxious, depressed mess of a person. Don't do it, Kacy. In hindsight, I should have run the first time I found out he was going on sites behind my back. Whether this type of thing is "cheating" per se or not, it IS deception. Deception erodes trust, love, security and faith in the relationship. I realized that no matter much I love someone, I don't need to put myself through this. I believe the reason I did was because my self-esteem and self-worth weren't where they should be. I became mildly "obsessed" with what my guy was doing, spending hours upon hours searching the internet. I literally made myself sick over all of this. Don't become like me! One "chance" becomes two, then five, then 10......I thought I was being "loving and forgiving" when what I was really doing was letting someone rob me of my dignity - He was giving me "crumbs"...and I was trying to turn them into loaves. I did finally find the courage to move on, but I should have done it much, much, sooner. I would have saved myself years of grief and pain!
@Confused Aya....These are all good questions. We can see your instincts are good. He's got to be the one to want to change. Not for you, but for his own well-being and growth. He certainly seems to be taking steps toward change—seeing a therapist, deleting dating sites—but it's easy to make changes for the short term; he needs to do this over the long-haul. Which means our suggestion to you is proceed with caution if you think you want to give him another chance. (Maybe you don't?) You need to see a change in behavior over the course of a year or two, not a few months. We wish we could give you a definitive answer to your questions, but we get the sense that you understand how difficult it is to make long-term changes. Sure it's possible, but since this has been a pattern of behavior he's exhibited with every woman he's been with, it's certainly an uphill battle. You know him better than we do so trust your gut and be cautious. If not for you, but also your daughter. Thoughts? Does this help at all? We hope so. It's difficult to know what's in his heart and mind.
I truly don't know what I want to ask. Other than my boyfriend and the therapist I haven't really talked to others about the situation I am in. None of my family nor friends live close by and they have no idea what our relationship entails. I am the only one that can make the decision on whether to continue dating him or not. I don't want others to influence my decision but then again from a males perspective it would be nice to get some feed back. Why does a guy who says he is perfectly happy with me and there is not a thing he would change, other than the fact I can become stressed with being a single mom, working full time and going to school full time? He said he was bored and was scared of commitment at the time. Now he tells me he isn't scared to commit to me, that that is all he wants is to be fully committed to me and me only. I want to believe him, but it is so hard to just put myself back out there again to possibly get stabbed in the back another time, especially when my child is involved. She loves him to death and he seems to really love her. This obviously happens a lot to people, but I don't see anyone come back to state if their boyfriends actually stopped their foolish acts or if they didn't and they got out of the relationship. If people do respond back to the what happens afterwards, what percentage of them can say that person changed and not for the girl but to better themselves also? Something that scares me is that he has done this to every girl he has ever dated. Is it even possible to completely change a males behavior to that extent? One last thing, I have not asked him to do anything to change himself. I gave him no suggestions, I was ready to run away. But by him finding a therapist to go to, changing his number and deleting his numerous dating site accounts and emails, I have kept one foot in, hoping all the great and loving times that we have shared weren't just to fool me. They were real. So I guess the main question I want to ask is, Is it possible that this man could actually be telling the truth, that I am the one that he wants to be with for the rest of his life and by me finding out about all of these heart breaking things has allowed him to break away from it and leave it all in the past so that he can make a future for us? And if he was so bored this whole time, which I know he works out of the state and I am busy as can be when he isn't here, that he won't get bored again and feel the need to wonder?
@Confused Aya.......We sent a note to Andrea. Hopefully she'll respond to your question. Otherwise is there anything you'd like us to respond to?
So after reading all these comments, I don't feel so alone. Andrea from above and I have the same exact story. It is honestly crazy. I have been trying to deal with what I should do for a month now. My boyfriend of a year in a half had left his lap top with me so that I could do my homework and not have to sit at my desk top all night. Well, he only comes home on the weekends due to work so I had some time to snoop. Bad I know, but we had some previous issues when we first met and I wanted to make sure he had really stopped doing those things. Low and behold I found more than I could ever imagine. Numerous dating websites he was active in. The emails to these women weren't only trying to get them to meet up with him but also giving his number out to them for them to send pictures and so on. This has been going on our whole relationship. I called to confront him and he denied things. So stupid, the evidence was right in front of me. He had also had pictures (recent) of him and his ex's son. He told me he had nothing to do with her but obviously he does. It was crazy to match the dates up when he was seeing her or talking to girls on these websites. He had been with me the same days. We are always so happy together. Sex is always good, and for no reason would I believe I give him reason to not be satisfied. We have talked of children and marriage. He goes above and beyond getting me gifts and showing affection. If just doesn't make since. He finally admitted to all the things I found. He deleted all the websites that I know of, changed his phone number, and we have been attending therapy on his on suggestions and behalf. I just can't seem to let it all go. I am still so confused to why. He still has yet to answer that for me either. I feel horrible because if he isn't with me I am wondering what or if he is doing me wrong. I am so torn. Am I wasting my time? Andrea, if you happen to read this, how is it working out for you?
@Katy......You can just read the 100 or so comments here on this form—and our responses— and then decide what you think. But no; what possible reason would someone be on those sites if they were truly happy in their relationship? He's up to no good. Some guys say they go on there to look at the pictures. But there are too many other sites with pictures that make that excuse lame. Some guys use the excuse that it is just for fun and that it's innocent flirting. But we doubt those guys would be psyched if their girl was doing the same. It goes on and on. And you're right, he will likely try to reverse it on you. That's pretty common when someone is caught red-handed. Be strong. Don't waver, even if he says you betrayed his trust by snooping. We don't think so because you found out exactly what you were worried about. We hope it's possible you can work through this, but with this being a type of behavior he's exhibited before, we're not so sure. Relationships are built on trust, and destroyed by lack of trust. Keep us posted and let us know if we can answer any other questions you might have. Read some of the other comments on this forum. ps. And do us a favor at some point. Please share our site with friends. We appreciate it. Thanks and take care.
thank you for the reply!we are both 23 and yes in the first year of our relationship i found texts off other girls and really flirty facebook messages to other girls he used to say either his mates was sending them on his site or that it was a joke and i had douts but i truely felt that he loved me and i guess i just swept it under the carpet because of how much i want to be with him and he has been fairly open with his phone and facebook ever since . i have been looking around another site and hes on there too!its obviously recent because his location on there is where we just moved. i guess im gong to confront him when he gets home from work i think he will turn it on me and make it sound like i am making a big deal out of nothing and how im ruining the relationship thats why i want some advise off you guys there is no innocent reson why you would be on thoses sites right
@Katy......We're sorry. As you can see this is becoming a serious problem, and a common one. What's your plan? Obviously you can't keep this to yourself, even if you found this on his laptop. Does he have a history of this sort of thing? Has there been trust issues in the past? How old are you both? Let us know and we'll offer some insight if we can.
im so upset right now i have been with my fiance for 4 years now and we are due to get married next year , i was on the laptop this morning and i have found on the history that he has signed up to a cheating sex website . m so confused why would he do that when we are planning out life together why?!i havent told him iv sen it yet but i know he will denay it or come up with some crap , i dont know what to do i love this guy but now im seriously second guessing i whole reltionship x
@Jasmin........Betrayal is tough. He's done it repeatedly. So you're right, without trust you've got no relationship. The question isn't: Did he do it out of anger? Of course he did. The real question is why? Because think about it. If every time the two of you have an argument—which if you're married will happen a bunch over the course of your lives—his reaction is to cheat, or set up a profile, or display some other sort of shady behavior, what kind of relationship will that be? His reaction to your conflict is the red-flag here. Basically it means he's got one foot in and one foot out of this relationship. We can't tell you whether your relationship is worth staying in, but he's got to believe it, and right now he's certainly not all in. There's a lot to consider here. We can only help you see this from our perspective, but it's up to you to figure out what you want and how you want to proceed. Ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted. ps. We hope you'll share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
Hey guys, I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2yrs, and we have 2 children together. A couple days ago I was going through my boyfriends phone, and I seen a website which he is registered to. He has a profile, no picture, and already liked one girls page. Its a website where people go sign up and try and hook up with others. Where it says about himself, he put down to f**k no strings attached. I asked him about it, and he told me he was so upset about a fight we were having that he did it out of anger. He said he would never do that to me "again". A little background info. He has cheated before. I caught him twice, and the other 2 he confessed himself because he said he felt guilty and wanted to come clean. This was in October last year. He swore to me that it was never going to go any further than registering, how sorry he is, and how he wants to marry me. Trust is always a positive thing to have in a relationship, and I feel like its taken so long for me to get over the cheating, and now this? I love him so much, and I would love for my family to stay together.I just don't know if in the end I'm getting played! My question is how can I be sure that he was just TRULY doing it out of anger, and is this relationship worth staying in? Help please
@Crys1330....Anything's possible. Sure, this could be some kind of fantasy, a way to get off, have some anonymity, feel good about himself. But typically no. Guys are looking for the right opportunity, which also means they aren't completely satisfied with what they have. They either are looking for a replacement, or something in addition to what they have. And even if he's just chatting and getting off on the experience, it's not much better really, is it? He's still sneaking around behind your back. The thing is, he can't stop. This is who he is. So what's your plan?
Hello, I have been with my partner for over 4 and a half years now. We have lived together 5 weeks and I have already asked him to move out. DATING SITES! They were a big problem in the past but as hes excuse was that he was on them before he met me, he just hadn't deleted all the profiles. Of course I didn't believe that but it was hard to make a strong argument. He actually met a "Russian Virgin" off one of these sites. I was extremely embarrassed for him, turns out he had some addiction to the whole Russian Bridge thing, ridiculous I know but its happening everywhere. So, we split up. 6 months later got back together. Now we have decided to move in together, I needed to be closer to work and we both run our own businesses so saving time by living together was a must. Then, 2 weeks ago, he couldn't sign into his online banking and thought his card had been cloned as he couldn't withdraw any cash, he gives me his log in details for the banking and I am doing it on my phone. I sign in and right at the top was a payment to X dating site (X as in replacing the name not a premium rated site lol). I was so angry, not only was he on them, he was paying for premium membership. I thought about asking him to leave then but instead I asked him to stay with his family for a few Days. We had a heart to heart and we carried on, of course I hadn't forgotten but to be quite honest, I didn't have much time to keep dwelling on it either. Then Saturday night, after him coming in drunk and acting like a complete waste of space, I thought, ive had enough. I believe that he is on many more dating sites, its like an obsession. He will make a profile, pretend hes someone he is not and just chat a load of rubbish to them. He doesn't seem to have sexual interest in them, it seems more about being able to pretend hes someone else and get a bit of an ego fix. Guys...is this a common problem? Why use dating sites if you have no intention of meeting them or no sexual motive. Can a man really be that lame that he just joins them so "see what interest he can get" ??? Thank you!
@Lolabunn.....Well if you're comfortable with the relationship, then stay the course and just see what happens. However, it does seem like he's giving you mixed signals. Are you sure he's not checking out other women still? Have the two of you talked about it and figured it all out? Do you trust him? What may happen is you stay together and if/when he moves back to his country then you decide at that point if you want to keep trying to make it work. But basically this is a "wait and see" situation. We wish we could give you more definitive advice, but it just seems that life—him moving or not moving— is going to direct you one way or another. What do you think? ps. Just keep your eyes open, and if it looks like you're giving a lot more than he is, that's something to consider. Good luck!
Thanks for the response! Well i agree that there's a lot to consider and this is not an easy decision. My plan is to stay focus in my career and we both have agreed on staying on the relationship and try our best to work it out! We will see how it goes! My friends thought that he may be a very sweet guy but he needs sometime to settle and figure what he wants in life...My opinion from knowing him that he is a very simple guy that wants a simple life. He will go with the flow and be it in the US or in another country. May be he doesn't love me enough to try to fight for our relationship and find ways to stay (for instance look for another job, he is just too comfortable at his current job)?! But when i told him that, he has disagreed with what i said and told me that he does try to stay but the situation does not allow and also he has been committee to our relationship and try to make our current long distance relationship works. What is your advise?
@Lolabunn.......Discovering this kind of deception is always hard. We're sorry about that. Clearly he's checking out other woman otherwise he wouldn't have been on the dating site. He's lonely, he's uncertain where he's going to end up, and he made a decision to look after himself instead of honoring your relationship. You mention how you have a good time when you're together. Well that's to be expected. The red-flag here is what's going on when you're not together. You're remaining true to him, and he's not reciprocating. And once a guy starts saying, "I can't promise you anything" what he's really saying is, "I don't want to promise you anything." Sure, we understand both of your situations are tenuous. He's headed back to his country and may not come back. You have to rely on work visas to stay. We understand. However, that being said, in order for this to work, both of you need to be 100% committed to the relationship. You are, he's not. There's a lot to consider here Lolabunn. Your thoughts? What's your plan? What do your friends think?
I guess i am not alone in this circumstance. I have been dating my boyfriend for close to 4 years and we have moved in together for 6 months before taking a job somewhere else.We were in college when we started dating and our relationship has been pretty stable. We have been through ups and downs together and when we were living together, it was great! We have developed great partnership, respect and our love has grown stronger after moving in together. We are both from different countries and the only way for us to stay together after graduating is to get a job in the States. As you know it is not so simple due to the economy downturn and lots of companies are not sponsoring working visa anymore. We are both lucky to get a job however it is in different states. We were pretty emotional when we moved away to start our new career. We have discuss about the situation and wanted to try our best to be together and try long distance relationship as we both love each other and care about each other alot! Everything goes well and we talk on skype every night and we visit each other every 2 months. However recently we got to know that he will be transfer back to his home country for a couple of months as he has missed the working visa cap and will only be able to come back to work in US for his company once the company apply working visa for him...My heart just crushed when i hear the news......At the same time my friend which is on one of the dating website told me that she has seen his profile recently. I have this open conversation with him about the future and also the dating website profile. He told me that he was just trying to meet friends and he is no longer subscribing it...Well i am not that naive! He said he cannot promised me anything cause he just do not know where he is going to be which make me very sad...I know this is somewhat true but i wish he makes more effort to stay.I think he is lost...well maybe i am wrong?! I am confused with what i should do...He is actually a very sweet guy and caring. Every time whenever we are together we are having a good time! But i am upset that he is looking around or he may have commitment issue..What do you think?
@Cojamkat.......We're sorry this has happened. Yes, cheating could be a one time thing. Maybe someone could be driven to cheat under very specific circumstances; maybe as a way to get out of an abusive or bad relationship. But in your guy's case, cheating seems to have been part of all his relationships. (Either his partner or him) And maybe that's how he views relationships now. You cheat or get cheated on. Because we see his profile on Zoosk as a protective measure. If he's worried about you, the easiest way to combat that, is get the ball rolling on his end. We don't buy his "funning around" comment. He's checking out the scene and giving himself a backup plan. You might say, well that's a better reason to do it than if he was just looking to cheat for the heck of it. But we beg to differ. It shows his lack of confidence, and his lack of understanding about what relationships are all about. (Trust, commitment, mutual respect, love.) There are bigger issues going on here than his profile on Zoosk. We're not telling you what to do, but you certainly have lots to work on to move beyond this. (If that's possible. Or if that's something you want to do.) What do you think? ps. Please share our site with friends. We're relaunching in a few days. Thanks. We appreciate it.
So glad I found your website! Kind of. I actually did acidentally find out my fiance posted a profile on Zoosk just a week ago! I was helping him set up his on-line banking account, and he had me get the secret code sent to his email rather than his phone. When I opened his email, full of stuff from Zoosk and not much else. I did ask him what prompted him to place a profile, and his response was "it's just for fun! We were just funning at work. I wouldn't be upset if you did it. Do you want me to leave?" (We have been living together for a year and a half) I must admit, I never saw this coming. He tells me this is the best relationship he has ever had, and that he is worried about losing me to someone else. We have discussed numerous times I am not a cheater, never have been and never will be and I have given him no reason to think so...I go to work and come home. He just thinks men at the hospital are interested in me and someone will sweep me off my feet. (Background: His first marriage has been over for about 9 years and he had a relationship prior to ours. His ex cheated on him, and according to him, after their marriage was over, but they were not divorced yet, he finally started cheating on her, too. I have alway heard once a cheater, always a cheater, but thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt because of the circumstances) So, here is my question. Is this ever just a one time thing? I know what my gut thinks about all this, but I am still open to feedback. Thanks for your help!
@Kiley.....You've got a good head on your shoulders. If you think you can be friends with this guy—casually–then so be it. But we wouldn't suggest going farther than that. Good luck and have a good weekend. ps. Thanks for sharing our site with friends. We appreciate it.
I really can't argue with your reply. Everyone I've talked to says they wouldn't even want him as a friend. You know, really it has to do more with me than with him. I think I just don't want to be alone or something. It's just that he's different in that we can have really deep philosophical discussions and we both like movies and music and gaming. I guess we share some common interests. I was wondering if I was being too sensitive or something. Like, for example, he's joked that he hopes I get cancer and one time he called me "slutty-mcslutterton". But I really don't think he would treat me any different than he would treat her. I saw her as tough for being able to put up with his comments and me as weak for not being able to hang or something. But I really don't want to promote negativity, but rather beauty. That being the beauty in people and their surroundings. I think he's more comfortable with criticizing than actually doing anything about what he's bothered by.
@Kiley.....You didn't miss out. Maybe you're not seeing this clearly. But here's how we see it. (As outsiders looking in.) He's basically cheating on his girlfriend. He's still on dating sites, trying to cheat more. He disrespects his girlfriend. He calls her names. He makes fun of her behind her back. And he's mean to her in general. Do you really think this is a guy you missed out on? We know he may have some good qualities, but from what you describe, his "other" qualities completely overshadow them. And here's something to consider: Who's to say he wouldn't treat you like this down the road? Believe us, his girlfriend never thought he'd talk to her the way he talks to her. And she probably has no clue he badmouths her to other people. There are big red-flags here Kiley. People don't tend to change unless they're really committed to change. Be happy you didn't get involved. Thoughts? ps. Please share our site with your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
A co-worker of mine, I'll call him Jimmy recently got his friend a job where we work. Originally, he denied being involved with this girl other than just being friends, even telling me she wasn't good enough for him and the he tells her that all the time. Before she came to work there, he would put things in my pockets, ask me over to his apartment and out to lunch. He later admitted that he lied and said that they did have sex. Because of this, I kept refusing his invitations even though I didn't want to because I was trying to do the smart thing and stay away from him. Now that his girlfriend is there, I feel so jealous. I've been feeling like I missed out because now they're dating again (apparently they've been on and off for ten years) and she has been telling people they're looking at buying a house and having kids. A few days ago Jimmy asked me what marriage was like as he knows I am recently divorced. He said he thought it would suck. Not only that, but I found he has an active profile on a dating site and was on there just yesterday. It says he's single and looking for friends and long/short term dating relationships. Could he be just keeping it up for the friend aspect? Yesterday, I was out smoking, the only one out there, which he was aware of. He came out to talk to me but went back in after some other people came out. It seems too that he tries to sing clues to me, like yesterday he crooned, "I've been trying to catch you." And today, before work, I was on the phone in my car and he came up and stood at my window. He crossed his arms as though pouting that I was on the phone or something. He didn't wait for me to get off, but rather went inside. It seemed his girlfriend and he were sort of playing today with it eventually leading into pinching so they seem happy? On the other hand, I've also heard him sort of mock his girlfriend after she left the room and was having a bad day stating, "Whaa, none of my bosses like me. Great now i get to hear that for the rest of the night." He also told her to "get the fuck away" from him after she accidentally poked his eye trying to get something off of his face. Lastly, in referring to my ex who I still occasionally talk to, he said, "So how's scrotum face?" I told him not to talk that way about him and asked him how he would feel if someone talked to his girlfriend like that. He responded, "I talk to my girlfriend like that. And sometimes it's meant to be a joke and sometimes it's meant to be douchy." I guess I'm asking why would she stay with him and he with her considering everything I've written here. Are are they just so progressive that they can handle him on a social/dating site? It almost seems to me that it would be a miserable relationship, but for some reason I can't let go of feeling that I've missed out.
@Veronica...We're so sorry. Betrayal is very hard to understand sometimes. But even though you feel devastated—which we understand—you're no fool. This kind of situation seems to be more and more prevalent. Just read some of the comments/questions previous to yours. It's so much easier these days, to sneak around without your partner knowing. Ahh, the joy of the internet. And the power. But before we offer our opinion can you clarify a few things? Are you currently planning on moving out? Or have you already broken up with him? Or is a part of you thinking about trying to salvage this relationship? We weren't sure what your plan was? And if you are moving out, do you have a date set? Or, are you basically just wondering what the heck is going on in his head? Let us know and we'll get back to you.
Hi,guys. I know I'm not alone in this mess called 'cyber cheating' but, by the time you find out about it, you've lost not only time and energy put into the so-called relationship but, your HEART! My situation is that I met a guy on a dating site and was swept off my feet by him, it appeared I'd found my soulmate. (Just saying that makes me feel so stupid now.) Months later, we're living together so I go online to delete my dating site membership and see he's still active.I never mentioned it to him, thought he'd delete it as our relationship grew but, weeks later, a friend who uses a different site said he had a membership on there too plus, Ms. Detective found him on an additional six (paid)sites where he says he's interested in a long term relationship, all while we're living together and everything seemed great between us. I decided to ask him about his continued use of dating sites and he blew up, called me names and said I ruined our relationship by accusing him since he's done nothing wrong. I told him it's disrespectful to me. He lied about deleting his profiles and is still logging in to them everyday but I've not mentioned it since. He's also protective of his cell phone and his computer is off limits to me so he's definitely hiding a lot. He hasn't spoken to me in two days and I've caught him giving me dirty looks whenever I have my back to him and suddenly turn to face him. My offenses? Simple, I maintain the home, am always pleasant, never argue (despite this misery) always take care of him sexually and keep my appearance as nice as the day we met. What he never does is offer the slightest compliment or so much as tell me he likes me... nothing. Telling him his behavior is disrespectful and dishonest made no difference as he continued daily on these sites. I think he prefers having contact with countless women and that I mean nothing to him, despite him talking about our future together. I told him I don't feel I can talk to him about anything that isn't superficial and he just changed the subject. If he wants me out of his life then how do I get him to just tell me that. Pathetic as it sounds, I believe he thinks he'll find his idea of the perfect woman who is but a click away on some dating site. I have read a lot of so-called self help books on how to talk to your man, win his love, etc. and NOTHING has yielded positive results so I'm through with jumping hurdles. I should add, I'm very attractive physically but obviously not to him. Since trying to talk to him about this previously resulted in him becoming defensive and insulting me, should I return to a dating site myself using far more caution this time or should I just leave when I can and say nothing? I feel like such a fool, a used dishrag, an idiot and yet, I'm trying to keep calm until I can get out of here. Mr. Cool never shows emotion, particularly anger, just indifference. Actually, it would be a relief if he just said, 'get out' or something! I'm devastated so any insight would be appreciated.
[...] My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating? [...]
@Milliehoohippo......It's possible this leopard could change, but it will require a huge amount of time, effort and desire on his part. So basically the answer is, unlikely. (We hate to say anything 100%) We know you love him, and can't imagine a life without him. We understand. However, now try to imagine a life with him. Almost as frightening, right? Basically this guy has been lying and cheating since you started going out. And it's likely you still don't know the full extent of what he did. So the question you have to ask yourself is why? Why would he do that? Why would he betray the woman he's purported to love? His excuse about needing attention probably has about 20% truth to it. The other 80% is the part that needs answering. We won't get into the psychology of it all, but we're sure you can figure out a lot of it. But is this the kind of guy you really want to build a life with? You might feel devastated now, but imagine how you'd feel if you were married. You can see from the comments how many people are experiencing degrees of this same issue. But frankly, your boyfriend's behavior leans towards the more extreme side of the cheating/betrayal spectrum. And it's important for you to get that perspective. We truly are sorry. This is really hard. So what do you think? Can you even think right now? Your head is probably spinning. Let us know if you have more questions, or other thoughts. Feel free to ask as many as you'd like. And hang in there. ps. Please let your friends know about us. And share our site on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus, etc. We appreciate it. Thanks!
I find myself in a similar situation. Just short of a year ago I found my boyfriend had sent a private message to another girl on Facebook something about her having a sexy body. I was destraught and confronted him. I have to say looking back I've always been slightly suspicious as we met on line and there were a few odd texts and things when we first started dating. I put all the early stuff down to the fact that he had probably met a with a few women on dates, but not I early sure. Anyway he apologised for the Facebook incident told me he never wanted to hurt me and was in floods of tears. I asked if there was anything else I should know. He said there wasn't. I was still suspicious and swept the whole thing under the carpet. Behaviours that I didn't like in the past became more worrying to me like almost always coming to bed after me, choosing to stay up looking through Facebook and a professional news website, but all I did was winge about it now and again. About 4 days ago now I asked to borrow his phone and something in me made me check his text messages. And I froze. I found texts from a girls saying things like I can't believe it's been a week since we have been together and I'll wear you out again. I confronted him, he was angry I had gone through his phone but then admitted what he had done and was in tears saying it was one stupid mistake and it had only happened once etc. I then sent him packing to stay away for a while and whilst he was away I looked through all his phone bills. There were consistent late at night texts to this number and another one for periods of time stretching back to at least July 2010. I confronted him on the phone about it and he admitted it. I checked his bank statements and couldn't find anything that I would have thought to be suspicious. I went to stay at my parents house, I was destraught I thought we'd get married. Anyhow I gave him the opportunity to tell me everything. He told me he met her 4 yrs ago ( we have been together 5.5 yrs living together for the last 3). That he slept with her 2 years ago also and had been in touch. That he had text another girl that he also met around the same time but nothing had happened other than the texts. He told me he had been flirting with other girls on Facebook and exchanging rude messages. He told me he often watched porn at night after I had gone to bed. I asked him if this was all and he said yes. The next morning I woke with a start, one of his expressions stuck in my mind and I knew I hadn't found everything out. He told me he had been on dates that didn't go anywhere in the first 2 years we were dating. He told me bed also been on a dating website until about 2 years ago. I'm destraught and I know I should run for the hills, but I can't I think I love him. He tells me he loves me too. It's like he has had a double life. His family are just as shocked as I am and I really don't think his friends know. He told me he did it for the attention. He said he won't do it again and he'll do anything. I have asked him to do couples councelling and put our relationship on a break and a few other things even come clean with his mum who he's really close to. He's either done or I the process of doing my list. My best friend says run, you deserve better and part of me agrees, but I'm not sure I want to let him go. Please help me clarify my thoughts. Can a leopard really change their spots?
I know he wants a relationship, a serious one and we have talked about things. I mean neither of us date for the sake of having someone but with the intent of it being long-term. He has never done anything before until last month where I felt like something was a little sketch. He was out of town and brought our dog with him... on his way home he "stopped for coffee" but failed to mention he was meeting up with a girl friend of his that he has known his whole life. I've heard about her but I didn't know when he was stopping for coffee that he was meeting up with her until she tagged him in a photo on Facebook and it was a picture of her and our dog. I got mad, not that he met up with her... I would've been okay with it but the fact that he only told me he was getting coffee. I kind of went off on him about it but he swore it was innocent and that her mom and sister were there too and they weren't alone... it still didn't change the fact that I felt like he had to hide it from me. But that's the only time he made me question his trust. He's in the military and has been out to sea so we've been emailing, whenever I say that I miss him I noticed he ignores it or doesn't reciprocate feelings which is fine but when I asked about it he said he just feels that "it should be a given" and he shouldn't have to say he misses me. He'll be back next week but then he leaves at the end of October for a 7 month deployment. I don't know if him going on the dating website is a way for him to detach himself from the relationship so it's easier when he does leave or what, either way, I don't want to make excuses for him. I just feel confused... I can tell he cares but it seems like part of him is scared of something.
@Carissa....We understand. Our past relationships always affect our future ones. But keep reminding yourself that each new person you meet is unique, and should be judged by their own character. You'll push him away if you keep judging him by your previous guys. So what does your guy want? You say you're "official" but what does that actually mean? What have you talked about? And has he given you any other reason to not trust him? Bottom line: Nothing good can come of being on a dating site if you're currently in a relationship. All it is for him is a backup plan. We see no reason for him to have it up there. And we don't think it's too much for you to ask to have him take it down. You took yours down too, right? If you explain this all very calmly we can't see why he wouldn't think that's reasonable. If he fights you on it then we think that's a red-flag. Just our opinion. Your thoughts? ps. Would you be so kind as to share our site with your friends. Or on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus, or wherever. Thanks. We'd appreciate it. THE GUYS also welcome donations if you think we've been helpful. No donation is too small or too big. Use PayPal buttons on right side of any page on our site. Take care.
He actually hasn't changed anything on his profile except for his default picture... everything else is still the same from when I first met him on there, including his stats which still says "single". Not that Facebook should validate a relationship either lol but he hasn't changed out of the "single" status and I'm thinking to myself "is he afraid of stepping on other girls toes?" I don't know, I think too much and over analyze and pick things apart down to the last detail. Without elaborating, I've only ever been in really bad relationships -- mentally, physically and emotionally. Up until I met him I didn't know what being in a good relationship was like, every nice gesture or compliment or whatever would scare the hell out of me and I didn't know how to really accept it without first thinking their was some kind of alterior motive. How messed up is that? I guess I'm so afraid of really being hurt again that I feel this need to watch my back. I let my guard down with him after not dating for over a year... seeing that he changed the picture has put my guard back up. He told me when we first met, before we were even an item that he liked the site because it was funny and entertaining but I feel that a casual and 'innocent' conversation can easily make a person stray.
@Carissa.....He definitely cares about you. And no, he didn't book the vacation out of guilt. But that doesn't mean he's being a great boyfriend. What is actually going on for him on the dating sites? He changed his profile pic? Is he saying he's single? That part was fuzzy. As far as your dating bible, throw it out. If you have to change to get someone to like you, or play some complicated game, then it's not worth it. Because that can only last for a time, and then once your real self appears the guy is taken by surprise. If you come out of the gate just being who you are, then if he falls for you, you'll know it's genuine. (And we don't think you drove him to get back on the site.) He made that decision on his own, which reflects poorly on his character. So fill us in more on the questions we asked, and what your current state of mind is. We'll get back to you in the morn.
So like the rest of these ladies, I'm having a bit of a predicament. Long story short, I met my boyfriend on a popular dating site -- talked to him for about a month before even exchanging phone numbers and texted for about 2 weeks before meeting in person. I was just going with the flow, not getting so attached, playing it cool and doing my own thing... we became pretty smitten with each other and a month later I was being referred to (out of his mouth) his 'girlfriend'. It was exciting. Because we met on a dating website it did make me feel insecure, not so much that I didn't trust him... I guess just worried he'd still log in and talk to people. I have an ex that was on dating sites looking for sex and ultimately cheated on me with some broad he met at the bar one weekend when I was away due to a family emergency. My boyfriend and I have only been together for 6 months. When we became 'official' I made my concerns known about the dating site and asked me if I'd feel better if he got rid of his account. I said yes. He never got rid of it and I kept my account for the sole purpose of "checking" up. He never logged in... up until a few days ago. It made my stomach turn. I hadn't checked in a few weeks but I did today and he changed his profile picture. I looked at his computer history and can see that he viewed profiles but didn't make many trips to his account inbox. Whether innocent or not, I don't know how to go about confronting him. I know I made him feel like I don't trust him because of my past (long stories) and in a way, I feel like I pushed him to go back on the site and look for someone else. It hurts. I love him and I've been holding that in for two months as well, I'm afraid to tell him. I used to always read the book "why men love bitches", I followed it to a T when I first started dating him, it was my dating bible and worked like a charm... but then my heart and brain turned to mush and I lost all control of myself. I don't really know what to do. While snooping his computer history I also saw he was booking the resort I wanted to stay at for my birthday coming up in two weeks. Was he doing that out of guilt? Does he really even give a crap about me? We got a dog together but it stays with me. I made it very clear that if we don't work out, the puppy goes... I definitely meant what I said.
@Andrea....This is a tricky one. Let's start with your question: would a guy just text for pictures but have no desire to be with the girl in person? It's hard to say, but probably not. It seems if you were someone just looking for titillation then why wouldn't you just go online and look at some porn? That's what most guys would do. Involving another person just seems way too complicated to do it for fun. So that begs the question, why? But let's say it was just for fun, or because he was lonely. In our minds that's almost worse. Because instead of applying himself some other way—taking up a hobby, joining a sports team, reading a book—he's spending his spare time texting with various women. Seems questionable in our minds. However, we can also see he's trying to make things right, and in his own way he's working at things with you. We guess what it comes down to is, do you really think you can trust him again? And even though he's trying, is this all a ruse? What do you think?
Also, he swears on everything, that it was just texts that he never physically, since we've been together exclusive, went and hooked up with anyone or got physical or even just met up. He says it was just the text, but on everything he has he didn't do anything more than just the texts. However I also find this hard to believe because he said this main girl was from early last summer, but I seeing the phone bill she came into the picture late August, he had told me even from the beginning that they last time he was with anyone else was End of July... But he admitted sleeping with this girl only once but confirmed she was before me..and that he hung out with her about 5 times in toal.... Not sure if to him that means from when he officially asked me to be his girlfriend or from when we were on the path to discovering that we wanted more from each other. But if he's lying, though he's saying he's not lying he just reallyndoesnt recall it being August with her, and he hooked up then, then whose to say he didn't hookup with anyone since he's been with me... And we would only see each other every other weekend when he had off, and he would always come to me any day he had off of work. I've always been the one hed be with... He said he had no desire to go and meet with any of them or be with them physically... He says he is and has been completely happy with me and satisfied. That i makebhim happy, which i believed i did. I mean he always wants and wanted me right with him, anything he did, friends , family, he would invite me. And he even started coming to me more cause he said i he noticedni was happier when i had my family around... We had a really good relationship, usually fights, and ups and downs but he always even mad stood close to me and we in the end would hug it out and really made me feelmhe was all about me. Could a guy really just text for pictures but have no desire to go be with the girl in person? And could he also be complletely happy with is girlfriend, but maybe perhaps due to distance and not being able to have her around all the time he would text girls just to fill his time. In his bill, while texting these girls, he'd always text me if I text him. He always respond, maybe not right away, but my number was in between any and all of these other numbers. He wouldn't leave me hanging just to text these girls. So could it he really have been, happy with meand it was other reasons he did what he did. Thanks again.
So the last time I wrote to you guys was sept, 9th, and I had thought it was just one girl my boyfriend had been texting and exchanging sexual pictUres with since it was just pictures of her that i found... But I recently came to discover that it wasn't just her, especially in the beginning, he would still communicate with all the girls he had slept with prior to us becoming exclusive and would send pictures and whatnot. He said one of them he just stood friends with and they would text all the time. But he says he loves me. I'm just finding it so hard to understand that he was ever serious about me since he's been texting all these girls late into the night and some picture exchanges with some all from the very beginning. He also had said that the girl whose pictures I found were, she was before me, before we started getting more serious. However, After looking through his phone bill that he gave me, she came after. We weren't exclusive yet, but he was slowly working his was and hinting to wanting to become exclusive. And I was already starting to visit him every other weekend on a routine basis. When I asked him about it, he says no, that he recalls having been with her early summer, like June July of 2011, but per his phone history, the first record of the talking was late August. Can a guy really not recall when he was screwing around. I feel like he just keeps playing stupid with me... And he also said that he just started texting with her about 6 months ago and it was just for the pictures. But from what I see, they did a whole lot of texting, and in some months there weren't any picture exchanges. And there was a time period that they didn't text for like a month or two, but last year in November December , otherwise he's been texting her since January. I don't know what to believe anymore. When I tell him what I've seen from the phone records, he tells me that he doesn't feel it was that long ago. Many numbers stopped with time, but many continued, and his text with this one girl were way more frequent and not so many pictures, but a whole lot of text. I just don't know what to believe here anymore. I mean I see the phone bills and that is what's happened, but as far as what his stories match, I am not sure. Why would he keep lying if he is paying all this money for couples counseling and even having me go and paying on my own if I start to feel bad? Also, could he have a problem that he had me as his girlfriend, but would continue to text all these women. There were like 15-20 different numbers from women at he had hooked up with before. Also, why would he lie and then give me his phone bills where I was going to see that his stories don't match..? He says he doesn't know what he'd talk about with them, and that it was mainly for pictures and the usual, hey how's it going.... But other than that he doesn't recall, probably because his conversations with them were of no importance to him. Sometimes he felt bored others maybe just attention, but he really doesn't know why. All he continues to say over and over Is that he loves me and that he is sorry, but that he has always loved me and I am the last thing he wants to lose. That he'll never do this again and that he never meant to hurt me like this. But he hopes we can get past this and for me to forgive him, but I can't forgive him if he keeps playing stupid with me and lying, and everything is "I don't know". When he does that it makes it so hard for me to believe him. Could he really not know what he was doing? And say he loves me but continue lying and playing dumb. He has a new number now, he leaves his ringer on now when hes with me, he deleted his old email made a new one, he's given me the passwords to his phone and email and phone bills, to everything except Facebook... He says no to that, which I find weird... I've left it alone, he says that is for his marine friends and that he is not communicating with any girls on there nor will he. So I've left that alone. But I'm still very doubtful about him wanting to gain my trust back and for me to believe he' ll never hurt me like this again, yet I feel he's still lying. Do I just let it all go and look and the steps he's making now and go off that? Any suggestions to help me and my crazy mind through this. Also, thanks for your first response back earlier this month, it really helped me and calmed my thoughts. Thanks a bunch.
@Courtyard......We're sorry. For you, for your son. It's hard to say exactly why he lied to you, and then broke up with you after making all sorts of promises. Of course, promises are just words, and words without action are meaningless. It's clear that in the end, he's not someone you could trust. Not just that he didn't follow through on his promises, but that he was sneaking around behind your back. And even when you had hard evidence he still tried to deny it, or reverse things on you. Ask yourself, is this the kind of guy you want to build a life with? We doubt it. So the best thing you can do is move on. Cut all ties and just try pick up the pieces like you said. In the future, we'd be careful who you introduce your son to. Children don't understand adult issues, so it will be very difficult for him if men come in and out of his life. He needs consistency now. He needs stability. He needs unconditional love. Only one person can give those things to him: you. So we'd suggest shifting your focus on your son, try to reassure him that this guy leaving had nothing to do with him. And then be very sure before you introduce him to any new man in the future. Don't feel badly. This kind of thing happens too much. We're sure this guy was a charmer, and sounded completely believable. And we wish we could give you a top ten list of things men do when they're faking, but it's way to complex for that. And it's likely, this guy wanted to be all those things for you and your son, but then realized he couldn't for some reason. But instead of being honest with you, and trying to explain what was going on with him, he created a difficult situation that he knew you wouldn't be able to tolerate. In essence he orchestrated this breakup without having to feel guilty about it. If that makes any sense. What do you think? We'd like to hear your thoughts. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Share our site on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus or wherever. We'd appreciate it. Thanks!
I was with my partner for just a year.I fell very much in love with him, he is 11 years older than me(in his 40's), felt secure, loved and what I fell in love with was what I thought was his maturity , respect for me and how grounded he was in life!!..I have a son as does he from previous relationships and we brought them on holidays 4 weeks ago ...our first of many family vacations I was told!!...but on holidays I discovered on his i-pad one day by the pool that he was in-fact on dating sites, after this when home a asked him why and he denied that he ever was on any sites...that in-fact he just joined them to see if i was on any!!!..Even though he new I was so loyal to him and that never would have happened!!once we returned from the holiday he dumped me saying he felt he needed time out, to figure out what he wanted in life..I cried,alot!!..was very hurt as had talked about marriage and children and he had said he wanted to be a father figure to my son and my son had also grown to love him and see him that way...i agreed to be friends and one night he asked me to look again at his i-pad that he wanted to prove he had nothing to hide, in same breath he shoved his phone in back pocket..so then i said if he didn't mind me looking sure i would take offer up on looking at phone..as soon as he gave me his phone numerous mails came up from all these active dating sites he suppossidly wasn't on , then saw texts from random women..:-(...he still denied everything, although i had it all on front of me to see in black and white..he tried to turn it around that i came to my own conclusions and i was horrible to call him an ass for doing that to me and my boy as to him, he did no wrong??..plus while he was away with me , he was planning to spend xmas with his ex partner and child in paris and ring in new year there..:-(..i let it go, gave him friendship but with-in a week he abused that too and lied more and when talked to him about it he told me he wanted no more contact with me...but thing is , i only kept friendship so as to save my son hurt as he is only a child so didn't want him to suffer his mistakes and mine for having brought him into my sons life...thing is, he said himself he never met a girl as nice and loving as me, why have did that to me then??...never thought i would ever post on something like this but i will never get any truth from him as just denied and then cut friendship and me and my little fella are the ones left to pick up the pieces, feel i never new him now...whats your perspective??
@Rose.....We don't take offense. Thanks for being so honest.
@Melissa... My opinion I TOTALLY feel the same way as you do. If they say things are good then WHY bother?? As "the guys" have told us and all the others on here over and over again, it's NOT just for fun. It's got to be either they are seeing if there's anything better out there OR for sex but nothing more. BOTH ideas make me ill to my stomach. We have to ask ourselves though....would we ever go onto a dating site(s) just for the hell of it? HELL NO! We love our men and they are enough for us. I was hoping my boyfriend was going to respond and try to defend himself on here. I let him read the comments so he knows it's infact completely wrong and a form of cheating. I'm not sure if I'm comforted that there are so many other women that have found out their mans deciept or if I'm more and more disgusted in men today (sorry guys) Who do they think they are??
@Melissa....There is no purpose other than to see what else is out there. Just take a look at all the comments and questions in this forum and you can see that this has become a common issue with couples. The question is why, Melissa. Why is he on there? We've heard every excuse. Here are some: It's an advertisement, my cousin put it up there, I have no idea what you're talking about, I'm just on there to look, I don't get enough positive feedback from you so I'm looking for some there, and on and on. If he's active on the site then he's up to something. So the question remains, why? Why do people explore beyond the parameters of a relationship? Obviously he's looking for something he doesn't have. He either wants more than he has now, or something is missing that he thinks he might find there. Often times people will be looking for sex. They might not want to leave their relationship, so online sites provide them easy access to hooking up. (We're not saying he's doing this, just saying in general.) You can't keep avoiding the confrontation Melissa. He may say you betrayed him by snooping, but don't let him reverse it. You found what you found. Sure, maybe you snooped, but once you found the evidence you were looking for, you become vindicated in some ways. Unfortunately. Sit him down and let him explain. Try to be calm otherwise he'll shut down. Keep us posted and let us know how this progresses. We can't guarantee positive results, but at least you'll get some answers. We always think it's better to know than to wonder and worry. But that's just us. Let us know if we can answer any more questions, now or in the future. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. Share our website on Facebook and Twitter. We appreciate it!!
Hi guys, My man and I have been together for just over 2 years. We have lived together for about a year and a half. Yes, we moved quickly but things between us just flowed so well and we made the jump. Now it's around the time where I am ready for him to make the next move, engagement. We've discussed it numerous times and each time his stance on the subject is different, whether positive or negative. I was on hsi iPad a few weeks back and I looked through his history and sure enough there was match.com, so I clicked on it and it took me to his profile, no picture. I didn't say anything but have kept an eye on it. About a week ago we booked flight to Vegas and he had me check the confirmation on his email, in his email there were a number of emails from match.com. I brought it up casually, he totally denied it, said it was anadvertisement email and that was it. I should have told him there was more then one but i didn't. I looked this morningunder his profile name on match.com and it said he had been active within 1 hour. I know it's not right,it needs to be talked about. I am just fearful of the confrontation and how exactly to bring it up.... I guess I just don't understand the purpose of him pursuing an online dating site when he is in a good relationship???
@Rose.....You're probably right. We don't like to tell people what to do, because most of the time they kind of already know. We like to paint the picture so it's possibly clearer. But keep in mind, that just becaus 99% of people might tell you to leave, sometimes you have to see things all the way through. There's nothing worse than regret in this life. Even betrayal might not be as bad, although certainly devastating in many cases. So we applaud you for going the distance. Just keep in touch with your feelings, and trust your gut. And don't assume what we're thinking. Love has a funny way of rendering our brains useless anyway. So no worries! We get it. Thanks for spreading the word about us. We do appreciate it. Be on the lookout for our site relaunch. New look, new info, new stuff.
Thank you for your response. I know there's no correct answer here. Although I'm sure 99% of people would just leave the situation altogether. I have contacted a few couples therapists to make an appointment when I'm down to see him next week. Not sure what he'll say to that, but if he is being honest he'll do it for us. WHY is it that smart, strong, independant women hang on to something that shouldn't be? Reading the same situations over and over must drive you nuts! I mean of all the things I want in a man, the most important is respect, love and honour. To be loved unconditionally as I offer it in return. A man who'll not ever want to see his woman hurt or cry. Especially by his own doing. A man who protects me at all cost. Like the old days when Men were chivalrous, open doors, give us a jacket for over our shoulders, stand up for us if another got in the way. Be "THE MAN" and take care of us. Instead men today seem to have been babied by their moms that they expect we will do the same. Their dad's haven't taught them the importance of being the man in the household. It's a two-way street really. I have a big heart, a great head on my shoulders (even though you may not think at this point in time), tons to offer and enough love to last a lifetime in me. He's welcome to it, but I won't share it if he won't do the same for me. I will for sure share your site with my friends on FB :-)
@Ashlea.....We can't make the decision for you, and we know you're not really asking us to, but we believe as you process all of this, the decision will become clearer and clearer. Sometimes people love one another, but the way they function and carry themselves in the world is very different. And the thing is, both people have to know the other person has their best interests in mind as they're out navigating the world. Your partner should always have these questions playing in his head: How will my actions affect my girlfriend? Would she be upset? Would I be upset if she did this to me? Is this appropriate for someone who's in a relationship? (We're talking at all times. At work when dealing with a co-worker. At a bar. At a party. Jeez, pretty much anywhere.) Someone who is committed and truly in love asks themselves these questions before they make any decision. We're not saying people should be connected at the hip; independence is a good thing. But the time apart speaks as much about the relationship as the time together. (Hey, we kind of like that last thought.) :) (Yes, that's a smiley face. Sorry.)
@Rose....(and her boyfriend).....Well, you've put us in a bit of an awkward situation. So first of all, there's no way we're getting in the middle of your situation. For all of the people who come here, we always say, these are our opinions based on what people choose to share. Meaning, we always know there's more to every story than the information sent to us. What we try to do here is paint the picture the way we see it so the person writing can solve the problem themselves. (In this case the two of you.) What we see is a definite trust issue going on. And for good reason. Relationships are difficult enough, but when you add a long distance component to them, a foundation of trust is even more important, because the daily interaction, the actual physical person, isn't there to remind you why you love them, and why you're choosing to be in the relationship. Typically when people go on dating sites, or talk with other women/guys, it's because they are either unsure of some aspect of the relationship, or not satisfied in some way. So Rose, that's what the two of you need to figure out. Why does your boyfriend feel the need to explore? We'd suggest a heart-to-heart, or rather many conversations—and yes, a couple's counselor would help—to start unearthing these issues so you can resolve them and move forward with a foundation of trust. Behavior patterns are hard to break, and your boyfriend has exhibited this same behavior repeatedly, which is something for you to consider. He might benefit from trying to figure this out himself. If he truly loves you, then he should be doing everything in his power to honor that love. He's not doing that, in fact, quite the opposite. The questions to ask yourself are: Do I trust him? Can I trust him again even if we resolve the current issues? Do I think he has my best interests in mind when he's out in the world and I'm not around? Is there something he's not telling me? Why do I want to be in the relationship? Am I getting all of my needs met? We suggest you read this whole comments section to get an idea of what other people are going through. This has become a common issue, and it's sad frankly. We hate to see couples break up, so we're hoping the two of you can figure this out. Your thoughts? Both of you? Keep us posted as this progresses. And boyfriend, do you have any questions? ps. Please let your friends know about us. Facebook. Face-toFace. Thanks. We appreciate it.
Thanks for the reply and the advice ... No my partner has not flirted or hurt me before for as long as we have been together. I do think you are right about it being a mix of #1 and #2 and maybe our age gap doesnt help either as he said that if I was to end it he would be alone at 32 whereas I am only 22. As he is now beggin for my forgiveness it is also putting me off as it is coming across as sad. THen when I ask more questions or tell him I cant make a decision and that he has to come to terms that this may end us he gets angry and leaves. I understand people make mistakes but I feel like the connection between us has gone and I guess that is because of trust. My mum cheated on my dad and then my stepfather cheated on my mum and he was with me when my mums second realationship crashed and burned so he knows how much this kind of thing effects me and how hard it is for me to trust people in general. How would I even begin to try get that spark back in a realationship? Great advice about talking to friends, will try to cut back on doing that. I have talked to people who dont know my partner and they have all said I need to try work at it but if I cant get the trust back to leave. What are your thoughts.... Thanks
AND another thing.... Sure the internet has opened up the world at our fingertips, but I bet it's the demise of relationships all over the world. Too much at our men's fingertips that get them into trouble.
Ok here it goes.... I sent the link to this site to my boyfriend to PROVE to him how wrong it is that he's on dating sites. This isn't the first time I've caught him either. We have been together for a year with a few month break in the middle. AND to make things more complicated, I am in Canada and he is in the States. Don't see each other often. Talk and text daily. I feel extremely connected to him like he's here but he's not. So far it's been working out to a visit approx every 3 months sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. BUT I've had gut feelings in the past and found him on sites from just adding myself to investigate. Heart pounding hands shaking.....I find him over and over again on these sites! We fight, discuss it, then I forgive him since I want it to work out as I love him so damn much! He promises never again, until I find him a few months sometimes weeks later. Better yet, 2 weeks ago he happened to make a female friend at the local 711!! I KNOW I KNOW as every other woman on this planet would kick his ass to the curb I still haven't. THen I asked him if he's on anything and he admitted to SKOUT. I checked it out and he's been on this site on his phone for months telling women they are beautiful. YET he still wants to be with me and will do whatever it takes. So What do I do? I'm headed there in 2 weeks for a weekend. I would move heaven and earth to be with him but I have kids and it's harder at this point in time. HE is the one who is more flexible but won't act on anything at this time. We are able to relocate for 6 months between countries. He will be reading this so PLEASE BE BRUTALLY HONEST AND IF NEEDED HARSH. He knows how I feel on this subject even though in his mind talking isn't cheating. He says he hasn't physically cheated, but how do I trust his word when it's broken so many times over and over again. I believe even finding new females to talk to is emotional cheating on me. They think he's single and on the market. IT KILLS me to think he's told others they are attractive and who knows what else. PLEASE....where do we go from here? Can counselling help? It's like he needs a wake up call. If I'm really everything to him, is this "fun" worth enough for him to risk losing me? THX
@Laura...Don't feel like a chump. All you have to do is read the comments on this post to see that this is pretty prevalent these days. We've heard your guy's excuse before. (That he's on there just for laughs.) We've also heard other excuses: "It makes me feel good to have other women attracted to me." "You don't give me enough love so I get a little bit here." "Someone hacked my computer." "My cousin Vinnie set it up w/out telling me." And they go on and on. No, we don't believe any of them honestly. If a guy, or any person, takes the time to set up a profile AND update it, they're looking for something. Or at the very least, they aren't completely satisfied with what they have. In your case, something is going on. And while we won't say what you should do— like your friend— it's something you have to figure out. If you decide to stay with him—that is if hasn't cheated, etc.—then you need to tell him how this makes you feel and he needs to stop this immediately. And the two of you need to have some heart-to-heart's about trust and commitment. Of course then you have to decide if you can actually trust him again. That's a larger question actually. So what do you think? We're sorry. THis is tough. Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted on what you decide to do. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.
Hi - I need your perspective, please! We went to high school together; he hasn't lived in our home state for about 15 years. We reconnected on Facebook in January and hit it off immediately. We were both looking for long-term commitments and thought we found it in eachother; he says he hadn't been intimate with a woman in about 8 years. He came to live with me in June. He said he believes in transparency; this is how I came to have the PIN to his email account - he has asked to me access it on occasion. Friday afternoon for no particular reason other than I am nosy, I accessed his email account. Whoa Nelly! I was treated to incoming mail from a woman on craigslist (she was clearly a working girl), as well as notifications from a few hookup sites. I found his profile on one of the hookup sites, and it boasts a recent photo of him reclining on my sofa, as well as his e-mail address written in a crafty way (of course, he also claims to be single, rather than in a relationship). It's important to note that there was an outgoing message as well, that he had deleted (it was in the trash-bin), as well as error messages because he wasn't able to respond directly to e-mails without a paid account; he has no credit card. I have no clear evidence that he has actually gotten together with anyone. As soon as he walked in the door, I confronted him. Calmly. He claimed that he spends time on these sites "for laughs." I walked him to the pc, sat him down, and opened his e-mail to show him what I found, as well as the sites on which he has profiles posted. It was Mortifying. Again, he claimed that he does this "for laughs" on his lunch hour (he works independently doing home remodels), and stated that he has no time to meet with other women anyway (he works a lot or is with me - but as an independent contractor, surely he has wiggle room). For one profile, he claimed that his friend set it up for him (it referenced him by a nickname that only his friend uses). Yesterday, I went to access his email account again - and it was a no-go as he had changed his PIN! When I asked him about it, he initially said that his email account must've been hacked, then he admitted that he changed it because he thought that I would obsessively check it. When I asked him why he didn't delete his profile, he said that he didn't know how. Well, I tried this morning (I had to create my own profile) and it's not clear - but a simple search on ask.com reveals how to do it. My question: how likely is it that a man would create profiles on hookup sites "just for laughs"?? My head and heart have been churning over the past few days, and I am now demented from worry and feel like a bit of a chump. I have only spoken to one friend about this, and of course she thinks I should tell him to kick rocks.
@Ashlea.......The truth lies somewhere in the middle. First of all, we're sorry you're dealing with this sort of betrayal. When this happens it's hard to trust the person again, but let's take a closer look. His excuses make sense to us even though they're lame and not only irresponsible, but also disrespectful. When a person has one foot in and one foot out it's saying one of two things. 1. That he's having doubts about the person and wants to see what else is out there. 2. He's having self-doubt and wants to have a backup plan. Actually there's a third reason. 3. He's an asshole. But none of them are really good excuses. We lean toward #2 in your case, but that still doesn't mean it's okay. And frankly, there's always a little bit of #1 in the equation, which would account for his recent "winks" to other girls. This doesn't mean your relationship is over, but the two of you have some reconciling to do. Well he does. Question: Has he given you any other reason not to trust him? Inappropriate flirting w/other girls? Touching? Comments about girls? Etc? People make mistakes, but the real answer for you is why. Why did this mistake happen? That's what you need to find out. Do you really believe he's that insecure? That's kind of a red-flag in itself, which is why we say, there's always a little bit of #1 even if a person is insecure. Does this make sense to you? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted on what you decide. Also: We'd be careful what you say to your family and friends. Think about this: What happens if you reconcile with him? Then what you've created is a division. Your friends hate him and he feels uncomfortable with them. You see. Keep it to yourself until you know what's up, or ask people that aren't so close to the situation. Like us. Or others. ps. And please let your friends know about us. THanks. We appreciate it.
Hi - Very confused, stressed and dont no what to do.... Please help. I have been with my partner for 4 and half years and have always thought he would be the man I would marry and have kids with. a few days ago while looking on our laptop I discovered a dating website my partner has a profile on. I confronted him and after alot of arguing finally told me that he set up the account 2 years ago when we had a break for a few months and had jsut forgot he had an account with them. However when digging up further information he had been sending winks and asking a few girls how they are. As he was no longer a paying member he was unable to have full communication with people but still the fact he had this account and had the need to try flirt with some of these girls has made me lose all my trust in him and not be able to look at him the same. He is begging me to forgive him and work to rebuild our realationship. My family want me to stay with him however my friends are wanting me to walk away. Its so hard as we live together and everything even our bank accounts are joint. I am confused and stressed as to whether or not I leave him and walk away. I hate seeing him so upset but I know that he has caused this to happen so can't blame myself. He said the reason he keep the site open was because he was scared I would one day leave him and then he would be alone. Would love to know your thoughts on this situation!!
@Marie.....He may love you, but he's not showing it. It's one thing to say, 'you're the one for me forever'; it's quite another to actually follow through with that sentiment. He's not acting like someone who is in love and wants to be with you forever. In fact, any time there's any sort of difficulty between the two of you, he's off searching for something better, or something easier, or something different. Which means he's in your relationship with one foot out the door. Why is hard to say. That would be up to you to determine. But he's definitely lying to you at best, and already cheated on you at worst. Sorry. Really we are. You ask if you can come back from this. First you have to get to the bottom of this. What is he really feeling? Why is he out looking around? He needs to cut the BS and tell you the truth. When you learn what that is and you're able to deal with it then you need to ask yourself if you're able to forgive him and truly trust him again. If you're not—and some can, some can't; and for good reason in some cases—then it's time to move on. Final thought: How you found out the damning information no longer matters once you actually find the damning information. If that makes sense. So don't let him try to reverse things on you and say you betrayed him, etc. He's the one looking for something beyond your relationship. Thoughts? Any follow up questions? Feel free to ask away. And take care and good luck. Keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We appreciate it.
Hey... I need help. My boyfriend and I argue sometimes, but not very often, and we've always been able to work through it. We've been together five years, living together for three, and even talk of marriage/kids. However, at the beginning of this year I got a text from a friend who said she found my bf on a dating site. his profile said the usual, "single" - "not looking for any commitments" - even updated information on where we just moved. She messaged him, he replied. When I heard this I asked him. He told me it was old, he didn't use it, blah blah... His accused me of snooping, and told me "if you go looking for something bad you're going to find it." It hurt that he lied to me, and hid all of this behind my back. Sure, we were going through a bit of a rough patch, but I wasn't worried at all about us until then, and that's no excuse to start looking for someone new!!! After the initial denial and defensivness, He apologized. Showed me he deleted his profile, and promised me that I was the only one for him - forever. (He uses that word a lot.) Fast forward to tonight... He's been acting kind of weird lately, just like he has something up his sleeve. I thought he wanted to surprise me with something... And me being totally impatient (he's been acting this way for the past 3 weeks!) I looked at his phone tonight, and snooped. (Shame on me.) But... What did I find? A brand new month old profile on the same site. Awesome. His profile seems only slightly less skeezy this time. I'm mentioned - kind of... under relationship status it's listed as "living together." No pics, "but they're available off of the web" (wtf?) and he's looking for someone to hang out with, says "not looking for a relationship" just "someone to have fun/hang out" with. I've tried to do everything I can do in this relationship without sacrficing myself or my own happiness... I thought we were doing good. I was honestly happy! I'm at a loss, and I feel like a total idiot. I realize I can't trust him... I don't even know if I should tell him this time. By looking at his profile I can tell he's just lonely. But I still don't get it. Guess I'm still in shock. But I really don't know what to do! Don't know who to talk to, don't know if I should leave, or continue with this? I know he loves me but is it even possible to come back from this - again?! (All goes back to that saying, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.") Please help! :(
@Danielle......So we're not exactly sure what your question is. Are you wondering if you should stick around? Are you wondering if there's a chance he'll fall in love with you? We're just not exactly sure. Please clarify and we'll respond. Thanks.
I met my boyfriend on a dating site 4 1/2 years ago. In the beginning of our dating he said he was not ready for any kind of comitted relationship. Interesting on his profile it said he was there to find love and looking for his queen...Later down the road we were living together based on cirmumstances and then when the oportunity came for me to move out I did and held my own home. After many great years of friendship and I thought we were in love. Come to find out I am in love with him and he still is not. I see that he is on dating sites and have discussed with him why. He gets very defensive saying he still doesn't feel different obout me..he has grown to love me but not in love to make a commitment. He calls me his friend that he love very much. He says he has been taking care of others for so long that he just wants to take care of himself. The confusion is he treats me like someone he is in love with however wants to see others but wont say. What should I do here. I do love him but I would like for my best friend to be in love with me. I want him to be happy with his life..I just dont feel that I can be a part of that happpiness for physical and financial issues on my part. I personally feel that everything of who I am is loving supportive, and willing to be in love. I think what I have seen on the datinig sites I have run into see that he is looking for a woman that knows what she wants and has an athletic body. I am not on dating sites but have found the ones he subscribes to by him not logging out. I am sure if I became financially sucessful and lost about 20 pounds he would like me better. I am on the road to these things but so unsure about the mixed messages I am getting from him.
@michelle....Don't think this isn't a red-flag. It is. If you accept his, "babe, you're the only one I want" when he has an active profile on a dating site, then you're fooling yourself. We're not saying he cheated, and we're not saying when push came to shove he would cheat—we're also not saying he wouldn't—but you can't just allow him to laugh it off. Well, we guess you could, but what does your gut tell you? Do you want to ignore thi because things are "good"? Or do you want to understand what's really going on? Maybe it's nothing. (We hope, truly.) But if it's something, maybe it's something that is only blossoming and could be nipped now before it blooms into something irreparable. What do you think? Don't do anything rash. Think it through, consult some friends, ask your mom, whatever. Check back with us and ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And read some of the other comments/questions on this post. Other people's experiences will help you understand what's going on and how you want to proceed. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We appreciate it.
im in a bit of a predicament with my boyfriend of almost two years. we have lived together for almost a year and never fight. he is the yin to my yang and vice versa..or so i thought. today i was dinking around on his ipad that we share and i recalled how he told me his email was full of junk mail so i opened it and was going through deleting stuff and i noticed a bunch of emails from upforit.com i thought it was junk mail but just wanted to make sure and it had his screen name and password for the website! so naturally i kinda pannicked and logged on cuz my curiosity was killin me and he had a whole profile pic and all taken in our bedroom! he said he was looking for hot cougars who would have discreet fun. i brought it up to him when he got off work and told me the typical "babe your the only one i want..i love u..blah blah blah" i just want to know..is he just bored with me and looking for something to get off on while he masturbates or if he got the chance would he really cheat on me? weve never had and trust issues. he is my best friend and i know he loves me. not to mention i would say we have a satisfying sex life but i come onto him way more than him onto me...help!!
@Nadine.......He's doing what you hoped he'd do. He's trying to do anything in his power to make this right, and prove that he loves you, and that you can trust him. What choice do you have but to give him a chance? Obviously you love him, so why not hear him out? If his inconsistent behavior continues, or there are other red-flags, or if the doubt and angst becomes too much for you, then you can make a decision to end it at a later point. For now, proceed with caution, see what he has to say, and give it a little time. Monitor how you feel. (We doubt that will be a problem for you.) And keep in tune with your gut. But at the same time, don't start projecting five years down the road. Right now you need to take it a day at a time and just see. Keep us posted and let us know if we can provide any other insights or opinions.
Hi Guys, thanks so much for your advice. Yes, that puzzles me the most too; the way he avoids me; it is very hurtful but he just says "Oh, I didnt realise, i'm sorry it wont happen again its just that I like time to myself"... or "oh works really bothering me and I like to be alone when somethings bothering me" It doesnt matter what excuse he has it's just really disrepectful and hurtful. Anyway, we've talked again about this "friend request" and he is still saying he knows nothing about it and it must have been an ad to tempt him to sign up; which I dont buy for a second! To me, an advert would be something like "Six girls are waiting to talk to you, make friends, chat, flirt, meet up" What I saw was a notification of a new friend request which suggests to me that he has a profile set up already. This is tearing me apart, I'm still not eating or sleeping properly and I almost started crying several times this day at work because it's constantly on my mind from the moment I wake up. I told him it was over the other day because I cannot trust him and am very unhappy at the moment but he rang me almost in hysterics saying he thought that I loved him and if I did love him then I would trust him when he says he's not lying. He swears he would never "intentionally" hurt me and he loves me so much etc etc I am so stressed out and just confused about it all. We agreed to try again but I just cannot get this out of my head; I want to tell him it's over because I'd rather be single than have to deal with this pain and stress but I do really love this man. His phone is also being repaired at the moment but he did say when he gets it back he's going to prove to me it was an advert but I dont see how he's going to do that.. your advice please x
@Nadine.......You two need to have a sit down and discuss some of your concerns. Look, if he really wants to be with you like he says he does, he should also want things to be good between the two of you. If he resists, it's not a good sign. Sure, guys sometimes like to avoid talking about things excessively, but if you're unhappy he needs to be open to resolving the issues. And he also has to acknowledge the fact that this 'friend request' popped up on his phone. He can't just keep pretending it was nothing. We're not saying it was something huge, but it was something. It needs to be discussed. The thing is, when people are in relationships they need to have each other's best interests in mind when they're out in the world without each other. Meaning, when he's at work, or with friends, he should be considering you and the relationship when he makes decisions that could possibly affect you, embarrass you, or hurt you. If he's not, then you've got some issues to deal with. From what you say, he's on the borderline right now. Avoiding you in public, message on his phone, etc. We actually think the public avoidance is almost more puzzling than the phone message, but you see, there is something here. It may not be a deal breaker, but it's something to get to the bottom of. Soon as possible. And please Nadine, take care of yourself.
Thanks for your reply; my boyfriend doesnt live with me so I see him 2 or 3 times a week where he'll come and stay over. As I mentioned before we really get along, have a laugh and sex is amazing BUT there have been a few blips in the relationship such as: I had to pull him up about how he checks out other girls in front of me; he apologised and seems to have stopped. Also, if I happen to see him somewhere on the off chance (we work in the same area)he never looks pleased to see me and on a few occasions when I have spotted him and acted as though I havent seen him just to gauge his reaction he has actually changed direction so as to avoid me. I have also confronted him about this and he comes up with "I like my space, it's not how you think it is" it's so confusing because when he is with me he is affectionate, caring etc and is always telling me how he feels about me; he loves me etc I havent eaten or slept properly for days because of this and i feel sick and depressed because of it. Please give me some no nonsense advice.
@Nadine...Well Skout as you know is a social networking site for meeting people. From what we can see you have to sign up for it. It's very easy to do. Then what happens is it let's you know if someone else on Skout is in the neighborhood you are in. It doesn't say who they are or whatever, just provides you with that info. We're not sure about the "friend requests" and how that works. Look, Nadine, this does seem fishy to us, but has your boyfriend ever given you any other reason to doubt him? Anything at all? And are the two of you exclusive? What is the shape of your relationship? You've talked about the future? Is there anything else going on? He's suddenly busier, or less attentive. Sex is good? Etc. So what are your thoughts? Ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.
Sorry guys, as you can read from my first message, I am so confused! I know all about those pop up ads that everyone gets but I've never heard of one telling you that you have a new friend request on a site you know nothing about. I know they can be really clever to try and tempt you to sign up or whatever; I just want to know if it does happen and ads like this are actually out there or Is my boyfriend lying?
Hi, I really need your advice. I saw a message on my boyfriend's phone the other day which read; 'You have a new friend request on Skout' I wasn't snooping, he was sitting next to me doing something on his phone and the message popped up along the bottom of the screen. He didn't bat an eyelid, just carried on doing whatever he was doing. I forgot about it until the next day when the word came back to me so I googled 'Skout' as I had never heard a thing about it before. I soon discovered that it was a flirting/hook up site and I felt so sick and my stomach just dropped. I sent him a text asking him what was Skout? To which he never replied (it was late at night and he'd just got in from work) so I left it til the morning and texted him again, asking him why was he on a hook up site? He replied saying that he doesn't know what I'm talking about. Basically, from the point of me asking him, he has denied even knowing what Skout is, he's never heard of it, the message on his phone was an advert to get him to sign up. I didnt see him for a few days, I was so upset, couldn't eat or sleep; just had this going round and around in my head. He came to see me the other night to 'sort this out face to face then, if you still dont believe me I'll leave you alone.' Of course, he denied everything and even went as far as to say it was my word against his and I should have gathered more evidence?? I've been with him for 11 months and spend time with him about 2 or 3 times a week. When he's with me he's a diamond and couldnt treat me better. I am so confused. He swears he just watches porn when he's horny and not with me and that he loves me and wants us to grow old together but I just cant get those words out of my head....'you have a new friend request on Skout'
Hi, I really need your advice. I saw a message on my boyfriend's phone the other day which read; 'You have a new friend request on Skout' I wasn't snooping, he was sitting next to me doing something on his phone and the message popped up along the bottom of the screen. He didn't bat an eyelid, just carried on doing whatever he was doing. I forgot about it until the next day when the word came back to me so I googled 'Skout' as I had never heard a thing about it before. I soon discovered that it was a flirting/hook up site and I felt so sick and my stomach just dropped. I sent him a text asking him what was Skout? To which he never replied (it was late at night and he'd just got in from work) so I left it til the morning and texted him again, asking him why was he on a hook up site? He replied saying that he doesn't know what I'm talking about. Basically, from the point of me asking him, he has denied even knowing what Skout is, he's never heard of it, the message on his phone was an advert to get him to sign up. I didnt see him for a few days, I was so upset, couldn't eat or sleep; just had this going round and around in my head. He came to see me the other night to 'sort this out face to face then, if you still dont believe me I'll leave you alone.' Of course, he denied everything and even went as far as to say it was my word against his and I should have gathered more evidence?? I've been with him for 11 months and spend time with him about 2 or 3 times a week. Whwn he's with me he's a diamond and couldnt treat me better. I am so confused. He swears he just watches porn when he's horny and not with me and that he loves me and wants us to grow old together but I just cant get those words out of my head....'you have a new friend request on Skout'
@Andrea.......The thing is, sex and love are very different for guys. Or let's rephrase that. When a guy loves a woman the sex is the best. But a guy can have sex with a woman he doesn't love without thinking twice unfortunately. We imagine he was lonely during those times, and was looking for a release, and this little "thing" he had going—picture exchange etc.—was doing the trick for him. He may have even been able to justify it in his head. Saying to himself, "Well I'm not actually with her so it's just fantasy. No harm no foul." Well, he's learned pretty quickly that relationships don't work that way, at least not serious ones with real people. We actually do think he loved you the whole time and that he's sorry. So if you're thinking of leaving because you doubt his love we think you need to think hard about that. If you're thinking of leaving him because "once a cheater, always a cheater" well, that's a different story. We can't answer that question really. We don't know what his history is with other woman. People cheat for a variety of reasons but most of those reasons center on the person themselves, not the other person. We think that topic should be the focus of your discussions moving forward. Is he committed to you? What does that look like for you, and for him? What about when things get difficult between you two?—like they often do from time to time in relationships—what is he going to do then? How is he going to behave? One very good sign is that you're seeing a counselor and that your boyfriend suggested it. That must tell you something. Why don't you think about these questions and let us know if we can answer any follow up questions. Hang in there and keep us posted. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We appreciate it.
My boyfriend and i have been exclusively together for 10 months... We live about 50 miles away from each other and do to his work schedule, he only gets every other weekend off and every Wednesday. So those are the only times we get to be with each other. We met off of a dating site a year and a half ago, and in the beginning we would just casually hangout here and there, like once a month. And he would mention to me during our hangouts that he has no interest in getting married at all or at least not until he is in his 40's. And would make indirect comments of just pretty much being a man whore...however since I wasn't with him and I was going out with different people I'd meet, it didn't matter. Two months had gone by where we didn't hangout just text short conversations back and forth, he once asked for a naked picture and I made it clear to him that that he had the wrong girl and immediately ended the conversation... We finally end up hanging out again, I went to his place, we went out had a great time... Indirectly from that point on he hinted that he wouldn't mind having me over more often, two months later he tells me he loves me and wants to officially be with me. Anywho, i recently Went snooping through his phone and found in his email pictures of a naked girl fingering herself And in one email a video of him jerking off. I confronted him right away and he didn't say anything... All he said was he wasn't with her it was just the pictures. It was a girl that used to work at his work but hasn't worked there since last summer... And when he first started working there he hung out with her a couple times... Since then she would randomly text him pictures, and he once in a while would text her a "hello"and "how you been" but mainly she would text him first. But that he hadn't hooked up with her, which obviously I didn't believe. And then the next day confessed that he did have sex with her once but that was before we were anything. I also had realized after a while that the pictures in his email were him emailing them to an email that I didn't know and when I googled the email address as I found it strange that he'd email pictures of this girl to someone else as well as the video of him jerking off, I realized he had an email address I didn't know about, it was like a secret email address and he was emailing himself the pictures to that email and then would delete from his text. Once I figured this out I asked him and he admitted it was his we logged on but everything had already been deleted in that email, he said he didn't want me to see the pictures again... But that he had that email in secret from when he was with his last girlfriend, he was on dating sites in the end of their relationship. Also, the day I confronted him, he apologized and said he'd do anything, I said like break your phone change your number, and all these things, so he said yes and did exactly that., he broke his phone and said he'd change his number, he'd do anything... He apologized and said he was so sorry, that he would do anything and that something like this would never happen again, he would never cheat or be unfaithful to me again, , but those pictures meant nothing they were just pictures. And he doesn't know he would want to save them. He right away asked if we could go to couples counseling andcalled about four different counselors he found. One lady called back and he wanted something for the same day, no one had opening however we went a couple days after... And he continues to want to go and he says he loves me and that it was an honest mistake, he doesn't know what he was thinking... But that he loves me like he's never loved before, and that he really wants to get past this... Can this really be an honest mistake? If he loves me as much as he says he does, why would he have been doing this for the last 5 months? He says it was nothing to do with me, I didn't push him to do this, that he is completely happy with me, and he doesn't know why he was texting her and getting her pictures... I am beyond heartbroken, I honestly would sit and think about him and really believed he would never do something like this,mthat if he ever seriously wanted to not be with me anymore he would come straight out and say it. All his free time he spends with me, he chooses me over his family who always wants to see him. He wants me in everything that goes on, if something is going on at his moms he wants me there. I can't understand why he would do this. And I checked the dates and it would be once weekend he works... He swears he never met up with her or anyone since we started getting serious which was about 13 months ago. He's been so good, hell sit in one spot for hours with a deck of cards, a book, or his phone and play chess while I'm busy doing something, he helps me in anything I ask, and he always wants me by his side. Why would he do something like this? I can't understand how you could love someone and have someside text sex relationship on the side....with someone he once hooked up with.if you could help me understand a little, of he was happy, why would he do this?
@Arcia....We understand. Once you start doubting someone, it's hard to trust them again. Which is what's happening here. Maybe nothing happened with this other girl, but that doesn't erase the fact that he went behind your back, and if you hadn't discovered the fact that he was on there, he may not have told you at all. The biggest question Arcia is why is he still on the dating site? We think that's where you need to start. Because obviously you were feeling like this was an exclusive relationship. And obviously he wasn't. Also, is there a reason that after 7 months you haven't discussed the question of exclusivity? It's time to have a very honest discussion about all of these issues. If he's not ready to commit to you, then that pretty much means he wants to still be single and check out other opportunities as they arise. It doesn't seem like you'd be happy with that. So we suggest you have that conversation soon. If he freaks out then you'll have the answer to all of your questions. Does this make sense? Ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Here's the thing, my boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months now. He's the first guy I've dated in awhile that I have been able to really open up to as apposed to being my closed book self. He and I met through a dating site. Since he and I started spending time together I've paid almost no attention to the site except to get on there to contact a couple of friends. However, I noticed that he checks his account on the site fairly often and admitted that he met a girl through it recently. He says that this girl is someone he went to grade school with, but that doesn't explain why he lied to me about going to catch up with her one weekend. Also, he told me that when he went there to catch up with her a mutual friend of the two of them was there as well. He made it a point to assure me that nothing happened. I don't know what to do. When he's on the computer or his phone, I'm so afraid he's talking to this girl. I have only seen this girl's face in pictures, but I get a gut feeling that something is up. I'm even getting to the point I'm feeling jealous of girl friends of his I've already become well-acquainted with. Any advice would be much appreciated.
@Megan.....We're sorry. You should read some of the other questions and our responses. It's not a great sign that he's set up a dating profile. What it means is, when things get tough, he's headed toward the door. Imagine if you're married. What happens when the two of you hit a difficult patch then? Will he immediately want to separate, or get divorced, or cheat on you? This shows that he may not be as committed as you thought. It's time for some real honest discussions with him. He needs to explain himself and tell you why he's doing this. You need to let him know how it makes you feel. Then the two of you need to come to some sort of resolution. If you can't do it yourself then we suggest couple's counseling to help facilitate this conversation. Questions? Comments? Feel free to ask away. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We'd appreciate it.
I found my boyfriend has set up a dating profile last satuarday while i was out. we have been aruguinh a bit latley but nothing we wontget trough finding this i dont know if he is looking for someone elese and then going to leave me we have been together a yr and 3 months and engadge for 8 i dont know weather to leave him when we are out.he looks at other women and says she has nice clothes on or i woulf shag her stuff like that so confused
@Zela......It means he has his own interests in mind, whether he's actually doing anything or not. You see Zela, when this guy is out in the world without you, he should be making decisions that support you and your relationship. Meaning, he shouldn't be doing things that hurt you, or embarrass you, or damage the relationship. But from what you found out, that's exactly what he's doing. Whether or not he's hooked up with any of these girls almost doesn't matter. Ask yourself this: Let's say he never hooked up with any of these girls, but he kept doing all the things he's doing, but he was still with you. Would you be happy? Would you accept that behavior and just go along in your relationship? Then ask yourself this: What would he do if he found out about you doing the things he's doing? How would he react? We doubt very nicely. So you need to decide what you want to do, not necessarily what he's doing. Does that make sense? We'd like to hear your thoughts on the matter. And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Hey guys.. Nice to see am not d only one with tat problem.. Am goin ou with my lad for bout 2yrs on off nd w livin together now for d past 9 months nd work together too basicly its a 24/7 thing. w use d same laptop so i seen one of d webstes in d browser nd was wonderin what it was. Never expected sumthin like tat thpu its mostly asian girls who live thousands of mile away but as i took his car one day lookin for a lighter i found a diary in d glovebox of one of them girls handwrotten how much he had hurt her nd all msgs he send her by phone.. Sum sayin he loved her nd even rang her for.months in taiwan when w were together. I surelly snapped but he said i am snoppong etc. Tat he can txt who he wants nd he doesn cheat on me. He has 5 different phones all hidden from me. Is not goin on d same inet site anymore but has a new one with a noyher name. Also i found his facebook account which i didn knew off when i asked hom to b my friend on it it was deleted, msgin other ppl tat he doesn live to far away etc. He barely spents any time without me thou so he cnt rlly cheat on me ?!? He was married brfore nd his ex wife still calls him my husbamd.. Is it all jst playin games or does it al actually mean sumthin to him?!!!
@Maree...We're sorry. Really, this is tough to find out. Well, at the very least his behavior should tell you that he doesn't view things as you do. Basically he's cheating on you, or trying to. And if this is how he deals with problems in your relationship—by seeking sex from other people—then is he really someone you want to build a life with? What do you think?
I've been with my partner for 6 years, and have just found that he has been active on dating sites, shagaholic is his new one. I came across this as I had to borrow his mobile, I seen that he has been active on this for the last week or two. We recently have been through a little struggle within our relationship, but thinking we were ok now, it dosnt seem to be? He has told me he would never cheat on me, and he knows what I think of these sites, which is not much! He dosnt know that I know he is on these sleazy sites, and had to keep it to myself, I want to catch him on it... I'm so confused as to why he is on it..
@Dee Dee......We're sorry, really we are. Well, we certainly aren't going to tell you what to do, but what we will say is, you need to put your plans for marriage on hold until you resolve these issues. And you have a lot to resolve. This doesn't mean you shouldn't marry him, but not until you figure this out. Now, you might say: "But everything's been planned?!" That decision is up to you, but getting married isn't going to solve your problem it's going to amplify it, because then you'll have even more to lose. What do you think? We really hope the two of you can work this out, but Dee Dee, he's got some issues that need addressing. You might need help from a professional. (Couples counselor) Also, he might need to talk to someone as well to try to understand why he's behaving this way. Hope this helps a little. Ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted as things progress. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Ok I just found out that the guy I am about to marry in 2 weeks has been on a dating Not one but 6 sites. he has not been on them for 2 months but was in them for 2 months prior and 1 of them was a cheat site, one was a fuxx site where you meet ppl. for sex and 4 dating. I just feel so used and abused. He says he is sorry and that he stopped cause it wasn't what he was looking for but it gave him excitement, but stopped cause he did not want to loose me. We have been together for 4 years and 6 months. We had a really hard time the first years but the past 8 months have been so great, and now I just feel he was lying the whole time. What do I do? Do I marry him or what??
@Melodie.......Well now that you know do you really think you can just let it go? Rest assured, you may have violated his privacy but you found out what you were looking for—that he's cheating on you, or trying to—so your conscience should be clear as far as that goes. The trick is how to proceed. You're smart not to be rash since you have a child together; but if you don't say something at some point, one day he's going to sit you down and tell you he met someone else. Or worse, start dating this other person while he's with you. What do you think? Do you have a plan? And what is your living situation like? Could you get help supporting your child if things didn't go so well? What about your immediate family? All of these questions should be answered, or at least looked into, before you confront him. Let us know what you think. And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. Take care.
Hi guys, I am currently dealing with the same situation as some of these. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and have a 1 year old child together. I was recently on my his phone and seen a link in his browser when i clicked on it, it went to a dating site.. this is the same dating site that when i was pregnant i caught him on and he re insured me that it was deleted but now its coming up again. So the next time i logged on the computer i secretly went to look at his profile to see what going on... to discover that he is still actively on the site but he is listed as single and updated with young child and looking for the right women to spend his life with.. this made me so upset, i didn't want to believe it! i asked him a couple of questions about it but he went on to make excuses for himself. So ill a mitt that i probably shouldnt have done this but i hacked his account and logged on to this dating site, my worst fear was true the week i was away visiting my family he had logged on and was talking to several girls and i will quote "im looking for "fun" tonight" ,"i wish my girlfriend was hot like you" etc. :( i havent talked to him about it yet because im still very hurt and upset and i dont know how to bring it up without him turning it around on me saying i violated his privacy.............. every bone in me is screaming to get out and tell him where to go, that being said i have NO IDEA what to do we have a young daughter ....
@Kelly.....Well, this is a tough call. We don't know the guy so we can't say whether or not we'd trust him. Certainly his behavior is a red-flag to us. So really this comes down to whether or not you really trust him. Do you? You know he travels for business, do you feel like you could see him off with a kiss and not even think twice about him cheating on you? Because that's really how you need to be able to feel in order to be truly happy and comfortable in your relationship. So questions for you: Are you typically a bit anxious in relationships? Or rather, do you have a difficult time trusting in general? We're just wondering. If you are, certainly that should be factored into the equation. But to be clear, he undermined the trust, so we can totally understand why you feel the way you do. So what do you think? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like.
So this is am really interested in. I've been dating a man for almost 6 months, and when we are together, it is fun and I feel really close to him. He is very affectionate, I've met his parents, most of his friends, and we've taken 3 trips together. However, we live an hour apart, so only see each other on the weekends. But we usually text or talk on the phone once a day, even if only briefly. I love him, and he says it back (often first) without hesitation. HOWEVER, on our last trip, by accident, I saw a text on his phone to a girl he had dated last year. He had fallen asleep with the phone in his hand, and I looked at it. Curiosity got the best of me, and I looked through the texts...turns out he's been texting her and another woman occasionally while he and I have been dating. Now, the last few it seems she didn't answer, but that's not the issue. Again, curiosity got me, and i looked at his browser history. He was also on 2dating sites at the time, even though when I asked him about that a few weeks prior, he said he couldn't remember the last time he was on them. I had casually brought it up, saying I'd seen he'd been online when my sister and I were looking at one of the sites to see some of the guys we knew (not interested in, just for the comedic value) on the site. So, seeing all this - that he was texting 2 women and on dating sites, after we've already established we are exclusive, made me really upset, so I waited till my head was calm and asked him about it. He told me about the one girl, that they broke up because they lived so far away (2hours), and he said he'd get off the dating sites. He did apologize, and a week later told me the last time he'd seen her was April (we started dating in March, so I can't be upset about that because it was early in our relationship) just for a glass of wine while he was in her town on business. Now, I decided to trust him, but I am still worried. every time he goes to her city on business, I wonder. He also just friended the other woman on Facebook, although there are pictures on his profile of us, and it's clear we are a couple. But evidently they are still in touch. Honestly, I don't know if they dated, but she lives in another city he frequents for work, so now I wonder about that one. Often, when he's traveling to those cities, I don't hear from him much, but I will get a text or 2 each day, often ending with "xoxo". Should I be worried? How should I handle my anxiety about this? I would LOVE a guys point of view!
@Kara.....Yes, this is complicated. We're sorry. Your boyfriend is planning on cheating, or thinking about it. And we also subscribe to the sentiment that once a cheater, always a cheater....except.....if the person is 100% committed to changing and seeks professional help, etc. Because cheating is about them and what is missing inside of them. It's about trying to fill themselves up, but never being able to. It's not about their partner. Here's what we think: If you break up you should tell him why. He's going to argue with you, beg, etc. Be prepared for the drama. And if you stay strong, he's then going to get angry and accuse, etc. It could get ugly. But he deserves to know why. If you decide not to break up with him, he still needs to know that you know. And then the two of you need to work on this issue together. Well, he alone, but also the two of you together. That will be a long road and there are no guarantees it will work out forever. But of course there's no guarantee with much of life is there? Good luck, we're pulling for you. And we are definitely interested in what you decide. Please keep us posted as this progresses and ask us as many follow up questions as you'd like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
I'm having a little yurmoil at the moment not unlike these instances. My friend joined a lot of dating websites and found that my boyfriend of four months is on a particular website for singles who want to just'have sex'. Now she didn't ant me to get into a relationship with my boyfriend and so she baited him with her friend Amy back in July. (Amy loves those websites) anyway, I receive a call from my friend about Amy, my boyfriend has been messaging her with all sorts of filth on the website. He doesn't have time to cheat on my physically but it's obvious that he has been thinking of it. The worst part about this is that I was completely oblivious to his antics. I never once spied on him, I never once questioned him. I actually trusted him to not do this to me and now, it's tainted and I feel really stupid for placing my trust in someone who goes behind my back like this. I blamed myself for my last relationship breakdown but not this time. I honestly don't know what to do or how to confront him about this. I can't leave without a reason because he's an utter sweetheart with me but I feel like has cheated me into this and I have no idea on how to make this relationship work anymore. Like in previous posts, there is no love without trust. My last cheating boyfriend said to my friend, who was cheated on 'once a cheater, always a cheater' prior to my finding out he was cheating on me with a random girl. That has stuck with me. Do you think I should tell my boyfriend the truth and leave? Or do you think I should just say 'it's not working' and leave? Or should I give him a chance and not leave? Or should I tell him what I know and not leave? I mean, I don't want the relationship to end but I just can't see myself, another 3 years down the line, not being able to trust him and being in the same situation as I was ith my last relationship. I don't know how to fix this though.
@Whitney....FIrst of all congratulations on your baby. We're sure a part of you is very excited about becoming a mom, although we imagine you'd be much more excited if your guy wasn't behaving the way he's behaving. Like we said, masturbation in itself is a natural thing, but once it starts replacing human interaction it can be destructive. And you're right, it should be compartmentalized in the fantasy world, not with women he's meeting on dating sites. The fact that he thought that might be okay is a bit odd and a concern. (Or if he didn't think it was okay and did it anyway is more of a concern.) Hopefully you'll be able to work this out, but if you can't, don't settle. Some days it may feel overwhelming and impossible, but you seem like a strong lady. You'll figure this out one way or another. Keep in touch and keep us posted. Hang in there and all the best with your pregnancy.
Well the masturbation thing isn't exactly an issue, I don't think he should do it three times a day or too daily but the first time I found out about him still on dating sites he explained that he simply was getting girls to send him pictures to masturbate to and that has lead to him giving out his number before and her sending him such pictures. I did not APPROVE at all. So I made sure to be clear that I don't like or want him doing that. He said he changed but again with the dating sites. If he is willing to work things out I will try to, if not then all I will want is for him to do all he can for his unborn child. Thanks Guys.
@Whitney.......Well, random masturbation is different than trying to hook up with other girls. Pleasuring oneself is very natural, and most guys do it even when they are satisfied in their relationship. But there are parameters. Doing it with someone outside the relationship is called cheating. Fantasizing or watching porn, or whatever, is pretty much par for the course when it comes to guys, so we don't think you should worry about that as long as it doesn't take over and become his primary source of pleasure. That should be you! Yes, we would recommend couple's counseling to start, as long as he's willing. Remember, Whitney, he needs to be just as committed to coming up with a solution than you. If he's not, this will not work. We hope it works out. Start talking to him about all of your concerns and keep us posted. Good luck.
I don't know anymore, it really annoys me to have to constantly bring it up but I can not let it or think that I should. I have no idea what could be missing for him, I talk to him everyday, worry for him, care about his well being. I try and be there for him at all times and he really is a nice guy but it's this MAJOR problem I'm having. His one fault is he is way too over sexual which to me seems to lead him to this kind of behavior and the random masturbation. I don't like to snoop but I feel like since we are open to talk about everything, share everything then what's the need to talk to random girls on dating sites. I have been nothing but loyal to him. It really makes me sad, I know it's his problem but it's really a road block in our relationship. I do want to be with him but at the same time I really can't trust him. It's not as simple as just break it off. I really want to work this issue out in maybe therapy, man...SOMETHING...ANYTHING.
@Whitney..........This IS complicated. He's displaying consistent untrustworthy behavior. So the question is, why? Obviously something is missing for him, but the question is what? But to be clear, it's not okay for him to be on dating sites. Maybe he hasn't met up with anyone yet, but he intends to if the right situation occurs. You need to get to the bottom of this. One way or another this needs to get resolved. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a guy you can't trust? What do you think?
I should also mention that we are around the same age, 1 year difference. We live together and are about to get married and right now I am 14 weeks pregnant with his child.
Hey guys, I came across this site and read the above stories and I must say my problem is difficult. Okay so the first thing I'll do is go ahead and explain my situation. I met my boyfriend online on this site like facebook. We hit it off pretty well and kinda dated but since he wasn't into relationships at the time we just mainly hanged out a lot. He is my first and I am his and despite not being committed to being in a relationship. So after five months, both of us going through a lot, he wanted to make it official and we became a couple. Now in the beginning I had asked him to be upfront with me about everything. To me all that mattered were things he does when we became a couple, before that I could not care. So he told me he messaged this girl on facebook just to see how much of a whore she is, his excuse on that subject. He told me it wouldn't happen again. The next instances of such thing were on Badoo a site I had never even heard of until I saw it on his phone. I know its wrong to look the phones but we both do it, and not even to snoop. He knows I look through his and I don't care when he gets on my laptop or my phone. I have nothing to hide from him so I just assume it should be the same on his part. So each time I see such a website on his phone's history I confront him about it. I've seen him on meetme, badoo, facebook and now this site called POF. Each time he tells me he won't do it again and he seems not to for a couple of days but then it just surfaces again. This has now happened 6 times already. Right now as I type I may have to confront him on the recent one. And let me just say this, when he does messages these girls, this latest site it was mainly random chit chat, getting to know them and such. But not once does he say he's in a relationship then on his profile on the site it says "dating, not looking for anything serious". I feel like when guys do such things it's just a "gateway", it will eventually lead to worse. Please help.
@Elle....We'd be much more concerned if these behaviors were happening two years down the road. Your relationship is in the infancy stage. Maybe it's moving quickly—things often do when it feels right—but you're still two single people figuring out if, when, and how you're going to fuse your two lives. Yes, his comment to that woman was inappropriate—almost more so because she's engaged, although in his mind maybe that makes her off-limits anyway so it was no big deal; you should also factor in the modeling lifestyle in which comments about physical beauty are probably pretty prevalent— and at some point down the road when the two of you are an exclusive couple it's worth mentioning. (Although we wouldn't make a big deal out of it) As far as his dating profile page. Well, he didn't have to tell you did he? You wouldn't have known any different would you have? That seems somewhat honorable to us, as long as he takes it to the next level and deletes his profile altogether. (Maybe he's waiting to see if this is all going to work out with you. He's a cautious sort perhaps.) What we see is one pretty clear set of behaviors that are all positive. And then two incidents which don't seem to fit his basic profile picture. We say go for it if you like him. It's way too soon to jump ship. He actually sounds like a good guy. But time will tell. Keep us posted as things progress and feel free to ask a follow up question anytime. Curious: What's your gut tell you? ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Hello Guys, I was hoping I could nearly nip in the bud ending up in the type of situation that many of the ladies on here are commenting about as I am in a somewhat new relationship and my Spidey senses are tingling over a few issues which have occurred in the past couple weeks. My boyfriend and I have been exclusive almost two months at this point. I am a very one-guy kind of girl and don't even like casually dating any more than one person at a time because that's counter-productive to what I'm looking to get out of dating, which is a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship. My guy and I were spending time together one evening when he mentioned that he was going to send me a link of something interesting he'd read on the dating site we'd been talking on a couple of weeks after we'd started dating and I nonchalantly informed him that I was no longer on it. This was the only one I had been subscribed to where he was on several. Fast forward a couple of weeks later and he was edging toward the only seeing each other conversation where he dropped that he'd "hidden" his profile. This means his account is still active and though others can't see him, he can see them and go searching as he chooses but the site won't show that he was ever online to other users or that he even has a profile. Clever. We'd never talked about the site since then. The day BEFORE he'd asked if we could be exclusive, he'd written this extensively flourished comment on a girl's half-clad, busty Facebook picture about how stunning she was and that he couldn't pick his jaw up off the floor. Sidenote, this girl is engaged so even on its own, I found it a touch inappropriate. A few weeks later and he tells me that he's always had this fantasy to have a threesome to which I politely responded I would not at all be interested in because again, I'm looking for a monogamous relationship. He looked clearly disappointed and said "so that's a fantasy best left untouched...I guess." He also works in the acting/modelling industry where these attitudes seem fairly prevalent and everyone is replaceable. Now factor in that he's from a family with two parents who have been happily married for over 30 years, he's allegedly never cheated on any of his previous girlfriends (I can't properly verify this as I am 7 years his junior and we don't know any of the same people), he told me he loved me very early on and does a lot for me where if I request his company ever, he's instantly there and has been putting in a large amount of effort to seem like he would fit fairly seamlessly into my little family -- I have a school-age child -- and in all respect, has been nothing but wonderful. The previously mentioned type of counter-intuitive behaviour leaves me somewhat confused. He is flirtatious by nature but that doesn't bother me as I think we all are to a certain extent and I don't feel it crosses any lines, from what I've witnessed. He also keeps in regular contact with all of his exes but split from each of them on mutual grounds and good terms which again, I can relate to as the same goes for me. I guess I'm just wondering if signs like lewdly commenting on women's meretriciously showy pictures and still having a hidden dating profile online are signs that perhaps this isn't a man fit for the long-term when these behaviours are being displayed after only weeks of coupledom.
@Stella.....We're sorry. It's hard to be in a relationship, especially a long distance relationship without trust. However watching porn and trolling dating sites are two different things. One is fantasy, the other is reality. Do you have a question or just venting?
My bf and me had been talking for 2 years and together for 4 months. I caught him 2 months ago in his office either watching porn or chatting with women in a dating site. The issue was resolved and we continued to have peaceful relationship.Just recently I made a profile in the dating site where he was a member so see if he is still using it especially that we are away from each other for few months. I'm so surprised to find out he's still an active paying member and just log in few minutes ago. I did a print screen and sent it to him. He was so upset with me and even breaking up with me because as he said I am so jealous and do not trust him. It's the reason it hurt our relationship. He said he is just answering email. I do not understand why he have to make friends with other women when he even give me an expensive commitment ring. I am so hurt. I blame myself for snooping his activities but seem not fair.
@Frances.....Thanks for your question. We just reread Kacey's letter and our response. Pretty much our entire response was talking about how he mistreated her. However, at the very end of her letter she said he sent her a text saying he loves her. And we don't doubt it. Don't confuse sex, cheating, and love. Many guys—and gals—cheat on their partner they purport to love. This is a character flaw they have, some type of insecurity, or inner need they have. But it's separate from their love for their spouse. People often treat people they love poorly because they know they can get away with it. It has everything to do with how they were raised, and who they are as people. Also, looking at this from a slightly different angle, a guy certainly doesn't need to be in love with a woman to have sex with her. It happens all of the time. So love and sex are very separate. So in this case we're defining love as the emotional connection he feels towards Kacey. We don't doubt his text was sincere since he wasn't trying to break her down so he could have sex with her. It was a simple statement probably in a rare moment where his head was clear and realized what he lost. That's why we said clearly he loves you, but that doesn't mean he's a great boyfriend. Hope this helps.
Guys, I'm confused when in your response to kacey, you wrote: elationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend. How do you define love? I just found this site so I may have missed how a man defines love, but it seems someone trolling online sites is not in "love". Can you clarify your statement? appreciate it!
@Linda.....It sounds like you know you probably need to break up but a part of you doesn't want to. A part of you hopes he'll change, or that it truly is your problem not his. But from our perspective, he's unlikely going to change. And if he really knew that was your profile, then what he did was quite immature. Obviously he must know the two of you have some problems. But instead of addressing them, and trying to work through them, he tries to drive you crazy and make you feel more insecure. What is that? That's not what loving partners do to one another. The goal is to have two healthy and happy people, not have one person controlling the other. And that's what's going on here. You're being controlled. Or rather, you're allowing him to control you. You have two choices. Find the strength to move on. (You don't need a reason. You just say you don't want to be with him anymore. Period) Or, stay with him, and feel the way you do.
Well we've had this argument over and over again with him telling me his account is deleted. I tell him how much it would hurt if I knew he was giving out his number. I give him an out saying, if he is just doing it to have "fun" then just tell me. He swears over and over he wants no one else but me and he is not trying to meet women to hook up with. Then why does it seem like he's trying so hard to meet with someone? It seems like this is a common problem with a lot of guys, even women, that go on these sites because it's so easy and it probably gives him a rush with the possibilities and also because it's secretive. I know I can't be with someone that lies to me over and over again, but how do I tell him it's over between us unless I have some solid proof he cheated? He turns it around on me every time, says he knew it was my profile on POF and he was just playing along to drive me crazy, that those emails and pics and numbers on his cell were from a long time ago and he thought they were deleted. He brings up stuff from our past when we weren't in a committed relationship. It pisses me off because these last few years he's always accusing me of texting old boyfriends and hooking up behind his back. I changed my number, I never answer old emails, and I deleted all men on FB that weren't just friends. I know for a fact he has at least 5 women on his FB that he had flings with or dated, of course he denies that to. So why what is good for the goose is not okay for the gander? Did I get that right? I know deep down in my gut that this has to be over, but I just am not strong enough. I will never trust him now and I will always be living in a state of insecurity and anxiety. Maybe to him it really isn't cheating, but to me the potential is there. Sorry to go on and on but it is like a roller coaster, one minute on the phone we are talking and everything is perfect and we sound like we are so much in love, then a few days later I find out he's messaging flirty comments and exchanging numbers again on POF. It makes me so sick.
@Linda.....We're not sure what you're asking. Permission to breakup? How to breakup? Or, some reason to stay in the relationship? From our perspective, clearly he's operating behind the scenes with other women. To what capacity is unclear, but he's definitely doing something. And if you're really in an exclusive relationship it's cheating in some form or another. If you don't think you can trust him again—maybe you never did—then that's certainly a problem moving forward. Let us know if there's something specific you'd like us to answer. Hang in there.
My boyfriend and I met 6 years ago on Myspace while I was going through a terrible divorce. We met up during that time and maybe that's how our lack of trust issues began. I then went my way and I thought he went his way (well I know he did), however we still texted and spoke every now and then. I thought these last 2 years our relationship was finally rock solid. However it has been difficult because it is a long distance relationship until we finally make the decision to move in together, which most likely will be me moving in with him since his career will pay way more money than mine. We have spoken seriously about getting engaged next year, he is finishing his degree and will have a great job and I have been gaining more work experience for the future in a new profession. I always knew he was on dating sites since I met him, but recently I confronted him when I saw he had recent photos on a profile when I thought we were totally committed and exclusive. Then during my last visit, which is 2 to 3 months at a time, he accused me of texting guys on my phone when my phone is always lying around and unlocked, however his was always locked! I even changed my cell number more than a year ago to get rid of all contacts from my past. He had this bs story that it's too much of a pain to unlock it when he comes home from work. Give me a break,what about on the weekend then? So after we both drank too much and when I kept saying if he has nothing to hide why is his cell always locked, he let me look at his phone and lo and behold I found tons of logins to POF and phone numbers and names of women in his contacts that I know are not any of his friends, as well as nude pics of himself and emails with nude pics from other women. He made up this big excuse he doesn't know how they got on there and it just happens, and they were from a long time ago. Yeah right, when the dates were clearly listed. So I began my detective work and discovered that he is a regular on POF and that he gives out his cell number and sometimes they give out theirs. He was also inviting them over for drinks, and this was all a few days before I was leaving to go back home. I continued to monitor his online activity and emailed a bunch of random women, the contacts I found last on his phone. Some I found out he had met just for drinks two years ago, and some didn't respond so I don't know what to think. So what could convince me now that he's not doing it now while I am not there? It is hell checking up on him every night late to make sure he is home alone. I have called him on it saying why did he lie that he deleted his POF account when it's still active. Finally he told me he deleted his profile but it's only not searchable and he is currently very active on it. He even swore on his Mother's life that he was not on that site. He swears he loves only me and wants a life with me and doesn't want anyone else, but then why is he exchanging numbers with other women? Maybe it is a game and it strokes his ego, he has old photos on his profile when he was really ripped, but it only takes one woman who might fall for his charm and into his bed. Based on what I know right now this is reason enough for me never to trust him and to break up now, and if the tables were turned he would definitely break up with me. I don't know but there's something holding me back from giving him all the actual proof I found of his activities. However even if I did show it all to him, I am sure he would turn it around that I can't be trusted and it's only because of how our relationship started because there were lies involved. He has even said at one point, because I had set up a fake profile, that he was doing it to drive me crazy and he knew it was me. Meanwhile he never gave out his number to my profile, so where would he think I got that information from? I read other women's accounts on this board, and they all started out clean and fresh it seems and their men are still on these dating sites. So whatever was in our past should have nothing to do with what he's doing now. Deep down inside I just want out but I don't know how to tell him it's over for real that based on what I know I can never ever trust him. He has a way of making me feel guilty and for him doubting me, meanwhile I have been so committed to him and completely exclusive for over 3 years now. For him to continue on with this flirting and exchanging numbers is definitely an intent to cheat and I just don't know how to convince him that this is reason enough to break up.
@Lily......People snoop because they suspect something. (Or they're insecure.) Here's how you know which it is. If you find something it's the former, and you did. The fact that he doesn't fess up, apologize, and say he'll never do it again is a real problem. Yes, you snooped, but that doesn't get him off the hook. The fact is he's cheating—at least emotionally—on you. He should not be deflecting the blame onto you, and you shouldn't take it. You need to draw a line in the sand, and say enough is enough. But the real issue, is WHY? Why is he on there in the first place? Some reasons: 1. He's checking out some other possibilities. 2. He's lining up dates or booty calls. 3. He's a serial cheater. (None of them are good.) If he doesn't start owning this it might be time to move on as difficult as that may be. FYI: It's hard to change behavior like this. What happens if you got married to this guy? Your thoughts?
So me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 months now. Last week I caught him on a dating site -this is the 3rd time. We have been living together for 2 months now and since I've moved in it's happened twice. I confronted him every time and I know it's bad on my side for snooping but I get gut feelings and I go with them. What he does is use me snooping as a way to make me feel like the bad guy. He says that if I stop snooping and invading his privacy that he'll stop doing it because it's supposedly a habit he's had before he met me. I have no clue what to do or think. I love this man, am I fooling myself? Is there anything you suggest I do, I don't want this to continue
@Angie....We hope they do. Please keep us posted as this progresses. And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
We were not experiencing any major relationship issues, either with emotional or physical intimacy. The only remotely bad argument we had gotten into in 8 months was over a snarky comment I had made about his (verbally abusive) ex, and we had sorted out that situation. He attributes the impulse to work stress and mental illness, but does not by any means claim these are excuses for the awful behavior. I am definitely concerned that his response to stress and "tough times" in the future will be to resort to looking, again. I raised the possibility that he was deliberately sabotaging our relationship because he didn't want to be in it anymore, and asked him to tell me honestly if he was looking because he wanted out. He claims that was not the case, and that he has never felt this way about anyone before. So I don't think that's the primary issue. I appreciate your feedback here, though, and hopefully things will resolve themselves for the better one way or another.
@Angie.....Well, it depends on why he did it in the first place? It's a red-flag if he did it on impulse, based on some issues you two may have been having. Meaning, if he resorts to this type of behavior when things aren't going smoothly, it's liable to happen again. What happens when things get tough down the road? Not saying they are going to, but you know how relationships are. They're complicated and often stressful from time to time. You want a guy you can trust to be solid during those times, as well as the good times. It's good that he apologized, but without some self-reflection—possibly with a professional—he's not going to get to the bottom of why he does this sort of thing. If he did it because he really wants to move on but is afraid to tell you, then that's a different issue. It's up to you to get to the bottom of it. Your thoughts?
Sorry, my venting I guess took over my question: is it reasonable to trust someone again after this sort of thing? Do guys learn from a mistake like this and end up becoming a better partner in a relationship, or is this something that generally doesn't change once someone goes down the emotional cheating path?
@Angie......Yeah, we hear ya. It's hard to know what to believe from this guy. So what's your plan? Do you have one? Do you have a specific question for us, or are you just venting?
I love him and want to give him a chance. But I don't know at this point if I can really trust him to not act on this type of impulse again. In the past day I found out from him that he had actually reactivated his profile twice- the first time in April, when he set his status as "in a relationship," and the second time in June, when he set his status as "single." Apparently the "single" status happened after we had gotten into several minor spats and he was worried we were going to break up. It made me extremely angry that his reaction to minor relationship issues was to shop for backup options. He even went so far as to tell an older woman (she's 50- he's 26) that he was "tired of dating the same type of girl over and over again" and was "ready to be in a relationship with someone who knows what she wants out of life." When I confronted him about that message, he said he was not describing me, and instantly realized after he sent it that he was wrong. He said he also knew that the instant gratification/affirmation/attention he got from messaging women was shallow, selfish, and ultimately horrible, and tells me that knowing I was so hurt by this was the worst feeling he's felt in his life. I guess this means I'm torn. I care about this guy, but I don't want to spend my life doubting and wondering when he might do something hurtful again, even though he swears he couldn't live with himself if he did that.
@Angie.....Well, the question is, what do you want to do? Do you want to give him a chance? Do you think you can trust him again? Do you think this was an anomaly, or do you think he'll do it again?You have to answer those questions and then decide what you want to do. If you truly love him, and believe his explanations, then it might be worth seeing this through. (You might regret giving up so soon, if you break up now.) But if you don't feel you can trust him again, then it's time to cut ties and move on. What do you think?
@Crossroads.......Pretend a friend of yours came to you and said, "I don't know what to do. My boyfriend is on dating sites, checking out other possibilities, responding to Craigslist ads, talking to other women, etc. What should I do? What do you think s/he would tell you? We think you know. This guy is going to keep behaving this way. Begging for forgiveness isn't changing his behavior. Do you really want to build a life with a guy you can't trust? Really?
I met my boyfriend through an online dating site and after we became exclusive in January of this year, we both disabled our respective profiles. I recently found out that he had reactivated his profile last month and had messaged several women and had even gone so far as to set up two meetings; he told the first woman that he was in a committed relationship and canceled the date with the second woman after realizing what he was doing was wrong. I confronted him about the profile and he initially denied reactivating it, after which he confessed about the messages and the dates. He claimed the messages were an impulsive distraction from a very stressful work life and anxiety issues (including OCD and ADHD) and had nothing to do with how he felt about me. He told me that he cannot imagine his life without me, loves me very much, and will do whatever it takes to restore my trust, including seeking professional therapy for his own issues and being completely open with all of his information (including texts, emails, facebook, etc.). I was extremely upset about all of this, and have told him I am uncertain we can continue our relationship because I may never be able to trust him. It disturbs me especially because this seems so out of character with his normal behavior, which has included complete honesty about all past relationships and a generally honest and kind demeanor. Basically he is the last type of guy I would imagine doing this to someone he claimed he loved and cared about. Not sure what I should do at this point, any advice appreciated.
Ive been with my boyfriend for just over a year... Im kind of at the point in the relationship where Im not sure I can take anymore excuses for his behavior... I have caught him on dating sites, corresponding to craigslist "wanted" ads, and webcam sites. Everytime I catch him he says hes sick, or over stressed, or doesnt feel well, needs help... Im beginning to think that maybe he is looking for something better out there, or something... but he always says that he loves me, begs me forgiveness, wants to spend his life with me, get a house, ect. I just need advice, I know I dont want to be with someone who doesnt love me, and when he does this i feel like he needs to get out and see what else is out there because obviously its not me he wants to be with if hes doing this behind my back. I tell him that I need him to be honest with me if he wants my trust... he says hes embarassed by it...what do i do?
@Nicole......Hmmm.......It's good that he came clean and deleted the profile. A lot of guys try to deny, and then get themselves in deeper. However, his explanation seems a bit fishy to us. There's only one reason to be on a dating website: to see what else is out there. Maybe, he realized once he was scouring the site, that the grass is always greener, and that what he has with you is great. But, it's hard for us to imagine he needed compliments that badly. (Unless he has low self-esteem, in which case that's a red-flag in and of itself.) What do you think? What does your gut tell you? Do you trust him?
I recently found out that my boyfriend of two years was on a dating website, listed as single. It was recent because his about me was a recent bio. I addressed him about it and he came clean, said he was sorry, deleted the profile and told me he wanted nobody but me. He told me that he was on the website because he wanted to know if "he still had it" and he said that he wasn't looking for anything other than a compliment. Which i guess is a reasonable answer, but it still hurts to think that i am not good enough for him. He said that he wishes i would tell him how sexy he is and how handsome he is more often, which again i can do because i guess i don't tell him as often as i should. what do you think? it is reasonable that a 23 year guy would just want compliments? is it normal?
@Jenn......Relationships are about trust. And cheating is the biggest betrayal that can happen in a relationship. However, there's a big BUT here. You opened up a can of worms when you both decided to join the dating site to possibly invite other people into your relationship. (At least that's how we're reading it. Correct us if we're wrong.) So, if that's the case, you can't all of a sudden say, "Well, I didn't mean it that way." Yes, he was being sneaky. And yes, he took this beyond what was maybe agreed upon. And yes, he was likely going to cheat on you. (He kind of already did in our minds.) But everything gets a bit blurry when you open the relationship up to other people. We've got this question in the past and almost every time we felt the guy was cheating on his partner. But in your case, we're not sure. Guys would like to sleep around, but that doesn't mean they can't be faithful. But once you blur the lines, then you've opened up a whole can of worms that you probably wished you hadn't opened. We'd recommend talking to him and getting more clear on what's appropriate and what's not—at least from your point of view. Then hear his. And see if you can work from there. (Keep in mind that you were a bit sneaky too and he's probably pissed about that.) See if you can work this out. And keep us posted, and feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime.
Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for around 2 years. Here is some background information, he has had relationships with other women however, he supposedly lost his virginity to me. We get along well when we are together and he always is kind and treats me well. However what happened a couple weeks ago hurt me. Whenever we are intimate, we sometimes get crazy ideas and we both signed up for a dating site. I talked to other men on there but on my profile I listed in a relationship and I never let it get racy, I more just talked to individuals about small talk. However when he signed up, I expected that if he found someone he was interested in us experimenting with he would let me know and keep me updated, as it was a mutual decision. However,I created a fake profile and then messaged him. He never revealed that he had a girlfriend no matter how many ways I tried to make him say something such as "sounds a little sneaky ;)' " and are you sure a guy like you is free.. ;)' through out the conversation, it went from meeting up a red bug to play basketball (which made me kind of jealous but I guess that is not cheating if it is as friends) to meeting up the next morning at 5am before she had to "go on a flight" to see relatives. He asked if the girl (me undercover) had condoms and what not and he said we could hook up in the car. He asked for my number so I gave him a heywire number that I used to pose as a seperate cellphone. This conversation all occured before he spent the night with me, he seemed maybe a little off but I probably wouldn't have noticed if I didn't know what he was up to. He had intercourse with me and said he loved me all the while he was planning to meet up with a girl to do who knows what, but from the conversation it looked like to have sex. He leaves my house at 5:00am and I was hoping I wouldn't receive a text message, but lo and behold he texts the number at 5:00 he kept asking for the address of where the girl was, and i said oh I don't know, I'm chickening out or whatever so I wouldn't have to give an address he kept pressing for it and he said it will be fine, and whatever happens happens. At this time I copied screenshot from my phone and sent it to him in an SMS message as myself saying we need to talk. He seemed like he was hurt... etc etc. alot was said but he said that one, if he told a girl that he was taken then they wouldn't want to meet up with him. Why would that be an issue? It would be her problem not his. Also he said that he never brought a box of condoms in the car, sadly I didn't check when I was in his car talking to him and confronting him about the messages around 5:30. So I don't know if he really did or didn't. What do you think, is he really a cheater, or just a guy who made a mistake. However he has admitted that he would be tempted to flirt and maybe even get into something with another girl, he said the winky faces egged him on... this worries me, I know guys are like that but he should be committed. Thanks so much, Jenn
@Jess......We're sorry about this. Keep us posted. And if something else comes up, feel free to ask us about it. One note: Some guys jump to the bed of another woman when they're feeling "lost." Not necessarily a good thing, but we just wanted to throw that out there. Doesn't explain the cheating, or the dating sites while the two of you were together.
he told me it was because i had threw him out and 6 hours later he didnt know what to do with out me i thought that sounded a bit lame but about 4 days ago i went to use the computer and he left his email opened and there was an email from another dating site i didnt know what to do or what to think the lying i thought about it and i asked him he said he is not any dating sites now which was a lie he only started it 4 days ago on his profile he has he is separated. that was a kick in the guts when i read that im just not sure what to do everytime i ask him he gets pissed off why dont you trust me that crap
@Jess........We understand why this is hard. Four years is a lot of history. However, he's cheated on you, lied to you, and who knows what else? Do you think you'll be able to trust him again? That's the main question you need to ask yourself. Well, you also need to understand WHY he cheated. It's not his friend. That's just an excuse. He must have a reason he cheated, and a reason he's out on the prowl, looking around? When you get to the root of that question your gut will tell you what to do. Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime.
Hello there, I have been with my partner for over 4 years its been a great relationship but only this year things have started to change my partner told me he liked another girl being hurt at the time and after I found out his best mate encouraged him to cheat I threw him out the next morning he sent me a text message at 6:43 am and a bit after 8 he came home. It took me a while to forgive but not forget. Nothing happened between the 2 but everytime we see her he treats me like crap so I wouldn't talk while she was around then I went to use my computer and a dating site was up I cracked it big time threw him out again he says he has not spoken to anyone on them I asked him the other night why didn't he tell me. He is lied to me in the past couple of says telling me is not on th and yet he still is he has opened up a new dating site in the past 2 says what should I do
Hello there, I have been with my partner for over 4 years its been a great relationship but only this year things have started to change my partner told me he liked another girl being hurt at the time and after I found out his best mate encouraged him to cheat I threw him out the next morning he sent me a text message at 6:43 am and a bit after 8 he came home. It took me a while to forgive but not forget. Nothing happened between the 2 but everytime we see her he treats me like crap so I wouldn't talk while she was around then I went to use my computer and a dating site was up I cracked it big time threw him out again he says he has not spoken to anyone on them I asked him the other night why didn't he tell me. He is lied to me in the past couple of says telling me is not on th and yet he still is he has opened up a new dating site in the past 2 says what should I do?????
Guys, You are right. Generally speaking the people who know me, as in really know me, have faith that I am doing the right thing. I have never really dated anyone bad and always make really good choices, my friends actually look up to me as being the one who has her stuff sorted. However, yes, the ones who maybe are friends I have only known a couple of years are saying 'really?, you are not the person who goes through this stuff, we are and then we turn to you to say, stop doing this stuff, do you want to be with someone who makes you feel this way?'. I am living in how we were before, how lovely he was before, not living for now and how he was. I sent him a text this morning that said nothing but the profile name of the new profile. He sent one back saying 'more information please......'. I didn't reply and he tried to ring me but regardless, I am not in a place to have that conversation right now as I haven't got my thoughts together. You really are telling me what I am thinking, which is great, as it shows I am not wrong, as he has a habit recently of making me feel like I am bad or wrong. He seems able to criticise me openly, but if I ask a mere question, it is like I have just kicked his puppy. I actually ended things last time, he just called the next day to tell me how bad I was and that he couldn't ever be in the life of someone who treated him that way. So in a way, guess yes he ended it. It has been five months since he got in touch again and it was only two weeks ago that he gave me a friendly hug to say goodbye on his birthday after we went out for dinner and a show. I feel like its cruelty, to not be able to even give a friendly hug in five months, it feels like some horrible game. I feel a sense of cruelty here............you know like tonight, as I didn't take his call there will be retribution. This isn't me......it isn't what I want........I have a lovely life with lovely friends, I don't have drama, I don't have ugliness and I just feel like he is trying to create this to prove he is right and I cannot be trusted.
@Amanda.....This helps fill in some things. First of all, he broke up with you, right? Which means, maybe you overreacted and did some things, or said some things you regret, but what does he expect? Sure, maybe you should have acted more maturely, but once again, he dumped you, right? He should understand you were upset. We think he's playing games with you, and then blaming you for everything. He broke up with you, but then says he can't be with someone who lashes out when she's broken up with. That's called game playing. He feels guilty about breaking up, but instead of dealing with that he dumps it all on you. As far as the dating site, once again, go with your gut. What do you think? Either way it feels wrong to us. It's likely him. But if it's some sort of test, then that's pretty twisted. What other sorts of tests will you need to pass to be with him? This whole situation seems pretty complicated, and feels like a lot of work—beyond the normal amount of work relationships take. And what do your friends say about him or the relationship? We're not saying you should always listen to your friends, but if the consensus is negative at least you should take a look at that. We'd like to hear your thoughts on this.
Hi Guys, Okay last year, everything was going great, he had been single for four years, I had been 3 and a half. Both of us were happy single, weren't 'casual' people and had both been celebate a long time. He is a very blunt honest type of guy, I have always trusted him 100%. I was spending a few nights a week with him and his little boy staying at his, he would come to mine at weekends (as he lived close to where I work). One night, he seemed a lot less relaxed, he was up and down rather than cuddling on the sofa. The next day, I left in the morning, him and his little one came to see me off. When I got to work, I got a text asking if I could talk as he felt a bit messy. He told me he was feeling a bit messy, that it wasn't me and that I was the most amazing person he had ever met in his life and he could see me in his life and his kids lives forever, but he was feeling a bit messy. I thought I asked him if he wanted a break, he thought I asked if he was on a break, he said yes, said he had to go. I thought I had been broken up with effectively, so when he text messaged me later, I was completely drinking red wine (my downfall, never drink red wine, only thing that makes me drunk and emotional) with friends who were sticking the boot in about him and I reacted, I was horrible, disgusting, foul, the worst you can imagine in response. He told me the next day he would have nothing at all to do with someone who treated him that way. I tried for three weeks to apologise, got nowhere then heard from him on my birthday four months later where he asked if we could meet for coffee. It has now been five months. He says he needs to rebuild the trust again, my behaviour over the three weeks after the break up was horrendous, I was not cool about it, I totally fell apart and he copped it. I was horrible (and yes I did work on myself, had counselling seeing why I reacted that way as it really isn't behaviour I had seen in myself before). He suggested relationship counselling. He texts or calls nearly every night, due to him being a full time dad, plus working and not being able to have me back in the childrens lives yet, we can only see each other every few weeks when his ex will take all the children (he has the boy, she has the two girls). I feel like in a way this is a test......to see if I will react as I did before, to see if I will break up with him. We chatted a couple of nights ago, I told him I wasn't comfortable with his cousin using the date site. He told me directly that he was not using it, it was his cousin and he wasn't looking for anyone else but we still had a long way to go before we could be together again and he needed to build the trust and friendship again and he had explained that (and he had, I understand the trust thing will take time). He said he hadn't thought about how it would upset me and then cancelled it. HOWEVER..........my friend text messaged me this morning that a profile that she thought may be him appeared as a new profile on the date site, no photos, but same height, same hair colour, same town, same star sign, has kids full time and the same smarty pants humour.....I checked it out using her logon and it was a freaky coincidence the day after this new profile arrives that seems to similar to his. I thought I trusted him but now I don't feel like I do. However, I don't feel like he is looking, I feel like he is testing and playing a game to push me and cause a conflict. I do feel like he wants this to work, but think the bitterness he feels about me is making him do things that are out of character. He is usually such a decent man but his behaviour and attitude toward me is really hostile and has been for the five months.
@Amanda......We're just not sure we have enough information. To us, it sounds like he's on there and not 'fessing up. (His cousin? That sounds like a lame excuse.) And if that's the case, which we still think it is, then maybe that is the deal breaker. But what's your actual question? And why did you break up with him? And why did you think he was breaking up with you? We're trying to figure this one out.
Okay. So I met my guy on a date site last year, we dated and one day I thought he was breaking up with me, when he wasn't and I broke up with him, broke his heart, really really hurt him (seriously). For five months we have been trying to reconcile, very slowly, just rebuilding the friendship, he is finding it hard to trust me again, but we talk almost every day (he is a full time Dad so doesn't get too much time to himself, so seeing each other is every three weeks at the moment). He suggested relationship counselling recently, to which I am open to as he has been quite critical of me a lot, gets a bit narky toward me a lot and reacts highly to anything I say that could be remotely negative sounding. So anyway, two weeks ago his profile started being used on the date site, my friends knew his log on after we broke up so as not to accept contact requests from him. they told me he was on there, but he had mentioned he wanted to close the account but couldn't figure how to do it with his mobile. One of my friends told me so I messaged him to tell him how (joking it wasn't that hard). He replied his cousin is using it to see if it was for him. So a few days went by and another friend mentioned he was online asking if everything was okay. I asked him politely 'it is your cousin isn't it? It isn't you logging on as that would be a deal breaker for me as I mentioned earlier'. He replied aggressively, saying he was having a hard enough day without this, yet didn't answer the question. I asked him again, was he on there using it again? He then was all happy and chatty that night on text as if I hadn't asked the question. The next morning I mentioned I would have to have an answer to the question........to which he reacted again similarly telling me to have a nice day. Finally he sent me a text yesterday saying 'Hope you are having a great day and have thought about the conversation we had just over a week ago' In other words saying it was his cousin again. I just feel after two weeks, his cousin should have decided if he wanted to be on there and created his own profile by now. His pictures are hidden, they always have been, but still...........does it really take two weeks to decide if you want to create a free profile? I trust him, I do, he is a real decent guy................let me make that clear, he has the most amazing values.........BUT he has a lot of resentment toward me right now and I almost feel this is one of many tests, provoking a reaction etc because he doesn't trust that I am not going to end things with him again the way I did and behave as I did last year. I just feel it's him provoking an argument so he can prove his fear right.
@Jade.......Ask yourself, can I trust this man? And do I want to live my life with someone that I'm constantly worried about? He might care about you, but he doesn't have your best interests in mind when he's out in the world. And relationships are not just about how you are when with you're with your partner, they are also about how you are when you're not with him/her. He's betrayed you again, and probably will do it again. So what do you think? Feel free to ask a follow up question and check out some of the writing on our “Relationship Memoirs” page. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, in this time I have caught him on dating websites three or four times. Each time he says it's only a joke and he wouldn't actually do anything. I have even seen that he has given his mobile number out to random girls. So at this point i set up a fake account and spoke to him on it. I managed to get out of him his mobile number and even his address to go round there! So i did .. And broke up with him! Afrer numerous apologies and him telling me he knew it was me we ended up getting back together on the condition he would not use the sites again. I have recently found another site coming through his email (he actually left his email logged in on my phone I wasn't even looking!!!). If I let him off I feel he will know he can get away with it, I made it clear to him if he did it again we would be over. Apart from this he really does make me happy and we get on so well, but is this a step too far? Should I get out while I'm still young?!? Thanks :))
@Confused......We're sorry. This is confusing. Since he's only been divorced for a year, he's probably not even close to thinking about a serious relationship. So at least he's being honest with you. You know, everyone is different. He may come around in a six months, a year, two years, and tell you he's ready to be in a committed relationship. But he may not. It's likely it will take him longer than that. It does stink that you're his first relationship out of the divorced gate. So the question comes back to you. Are you willing to wait around and hope that he decides to get serious with you? And while you're waiting he'll be dating—and possibly sleeping with—other women. What do you think? Keep us posted and feel free to ask us a follow up question. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it. Introduction, Ch.1 and Ch. 2. Take care.
Ok, here's the short version of what I'm dealing with. I'm 34 and he's 44. Both divorced, I have been single for about 2 and a half years, him about a year. I'm his first relationship which sucks! But we seem to get alOng really well. Been seeing each other for 6 mo. He told me a few weeks ago that he needed to look around because he had been married for 14 years. As much as I don't like the idea, I agreed that he should do that because I don't want him to do it later. I in return decided to date other people too. Not because I want to, but feel i need to. It kinda keeps my mind occupied. So, now that we have started this I'm noticing a distance from him this past week. He is going through bad divorce stuff with attorneys and all. He's been very depressed and only talks to me for a short period of time on the phone. He still calls almost daily and if I call will usually answer the phone. I feel like sticking around in a friendship way and see if it goes anywhere later but it's hard because we have slept together and every time we get together we do it again. That part is great by the way;). I hear that men can't be happy until they have their life together. How do I handle this situation? Should I stay in a casual relationship and hope it actually turns into more or should I go and let him be. I guess if he really likes me, he'll come back. Help!!
@Luisa.....We understand, truly. But we urge you to not focus your mental and emotional energy on this man. You may never get the answers you want, and while that may be frustrating, it's not worth it. You know what you know whether he admits it or not. It's time to move on. And is his friendship really worth this? It seems like you're kind of torturing yourself. And for what? He doesn't seem like he's a great friend. Hardly. So what is it? Is there a part of you that doesn't want to let go?
I still talk to him because I wanted to keep him as a friend. However, right now I feel like I don't even know this person. We broke up because he couldn't handle the distance, but knowing the things I know now, I think there must have been more to it. I feel like he isn't ready or willing to settle down with a woman. I think he enjoys his dating sites and the random ego boost from random women too much to "sacrifice" these things for a relationship. Sadly, sometimes I feel like the internet has this effect on quite a lot of guys. It's like they're addicted to these sort of sites. It's quite sad when you think about it. I've not talked to him in several days. He's mad and hasn't responded to me again. While in the past this used to drive me insane, I sort of don't care anymore. It's just these lies, I can't handle them. It's not even so much what he's lying about, but that he's lying. Over and over. Even though it's obvious. Even though I've told him on numerous occasions that I'm not going to be mad if he tells me the truth, but that this situation is driving me crazy, and makes me feel like he's a complete stranger. It's just horrible when you find out that someone lies to you, it's even more horrible when they deny things – and even get mad at you! But like I said, it doesn't hurt as much anymore. When this started (about six months ago), I literally couldn't breathe because I felt like I was losing my sanity. The evidence was there, the evidence kept coming, yet he denied things!
@Luisa......He lies because you've caught him and he's embarrassed. Also, he probably feels guilty for other things too. Once the dam breaks who knows what you might find out. (Not that you should care anymore since you've broken up.) Why are you even talking to him anymore? But the other thing is, guys will deny, deny, deny until the woman breaks down and believes them. Literally. Even when they're caught in the act. It's amazing really. So, don't believe the lies and excuses. That's all they are. Sorry about this.
I honestly do not understand why guys do this. I've never checked up on my boyfriend (now ex), but I strongly assume he was on dating sites whilst we dated. A couple of months after we broke up I got curious and checked if he's back on a specific dating site I knew he used before we dated. He told me he had his profile hidden while we were dating. There he was. I mentioned it to him and he denied it. Strangely enough, the last log-in time changed, so he must have logged on. Not often, but still. He kept denying it. I also found out he never cancelled his paid subscription for another dating site, even though we dated for almost a year! Recently, and yes, I snooped around, I found him on yet another dating site. Asked him about it, he claims he isn't on there. I just don't get the lies. We broke up several months ago, why does he lie? It annoys me that he can't tell me the truth. In a way, it also offends my intelligence; does he really believe I'm going to buy all of these lies of his? Does he really think I'm going to believe that some of the accounts he admitted to have a life of their own, and log on by themselves? And that his profile with his pics and info appears on other dating sites without his doing or knowledge? I just don't understand why some people continue to lie even once you've caught them. Then there's this tiny part of me that wants to believe him so hard that I'm tempted to buy his "it must be my phone logging me on" excuse. But google tells me that's an excuse used by lots of guys, and it's rarely more than that: an excuse. I simply don't get it why he lies to my face. What does he gain? Like I said, we've broken up long ago, so it's not like he needs to hide things from me. It just creates so much drama and makes it neigh impossible for me to trust him. Makes me question everything he says. Right now, he's mad at me because I asked him about that dating site where he apparently doesn't have a profile. Yet there is a profile with his pics and details that logs on several times a week. It just confuses me why he feels the need to lie. It would be so much easier if he told me that yes, he's on those sites. I don't get guys. It's the lies that ruin everything.
@Tara......You sound like a strong woman. Good for you. Forgiveness is great, just don't compromise everything to be with him. He has to show that he's ready to do whatever it takes to make this work. And to regain your trust.
Thank you for your insight. At this point, it's not what was done hurts, it's that he continues to deny details of what happened. My boyfriend is extremely family-oriented and due to his upbringing, the country he was raised in, and his beliefs, he's just usually all around a great guy. It seems like a lapse of judgement. I've already let him know that counseling is going to be a must if we reconcile. I know he is deeply sorry, not because he was caught, but because of the repercussions of his actions, that it hurt me, and because he let it get to that point. It helps that his family and friends are upset at him because of this... It really means that he, and we, have a strong support system on our side. I think, as you mentioned, the biggest factor in this is the strength of the person cheated on. I am positive that this is not what I've done wrong. I shower him with love, affection and care. I refuse to beat myself up over it. I am a fan of patience and forgiveness (once.) Ignorance, however, is to be avoided. I will sit down and ask him to explain, every last detail, without fear of punishment from my end. It's been a few days so I'm out of the initial "I hate you" phase. It's time for truth. Thankfully, I am Cuban, and we women are known to be tough cookies :)
@Tara......Look, the guy made a mistake. A bad one. He needs to start the healing process by admitting everything instead of trying to deny it. (He's just making it worse, and making it harder for you to trust him.) Because this is all about trust. Once trust is broken in a relationship it's difficult to rebuild, or at least it takes time. And much of it depends on the strength of the person who was cheated on, rather than the person who cheated. That's you. Do you think you'll be able to forgive him if he confesses and then asks for forgiveness? What do you think? Not to make any excuses, because there are none, but we will say that 21 is very young for a guy to be in a serious relationship, especially when he's never had sex with anyone else. That is not easy. And even if the two of you get back together, we imagine he'll still fantasize about other women. (This is normal, as long as he doesn't act on it, including creating profiles and chatting with other women via the profile. Not cool )If you decide you're able to forgive him, that's great. But he still needs to commit to NEVER doing this again. And maybe commit to seeing a couple's counselor together, or even a therapist for his own issues. Because cheating is usually a symptom of a larger issue. (You should read some of our other comments to people in this forum. We talk about lots of this stuff.) We don't know exactly what his issues are, but a professional counselor or therapist would be able to help him figure it all out. So what do you think Tara? We’d like to hear your thoughts on this. And feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Or another question anytime. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Some background information: My boyfriend and I were together for the better half of two years. We grew up as distant friends, and briefly dated when we were teenagers (I broke it off because of distance.) In 2010, we fell in love but I was resistant to have a relationship as I'd always been the "relationship girl" and needed a break. It took him a month to convince me, but finally we were together. We had a rocky start, we dealt with my depression, illnesses in my family, a lot of fighting. We grew to love each other so deeply, and we are the kind of couple people see and they tell us we just *click*. Sometime late last year, he'd gone through a depression that lasted about a month. I thought it was because his best friend moved away for grad school. Through that time, as I always have, I consoled him, comforted him, and I asked a couple of times where this depression was coming from. He said he didn't know; then later he said he needs to just go see his friends and do more things. I was overjoyed and supported him wholeheartedly. Fast forward to last weekend. The past two months have been the best our relationship has ever seen. Last saturday around 3am, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I didn't want to turn on the tv, there were no computers around, so I reached for his phone to browse the internet. He has always been completely OK with this. I open the browser and the first thing I see is a dating site... and at first I ignored it, but when I went to click the URL bar, I saw his picture in the corner. I realized it was his profile. I looked at his profile, and it said things like "You know how all guys are. We just want sex. I'm looking for FWB or no strings attached sex" etc etc. I'm in complete shock. I click to the messages and see that he's been messaging a girl on May 30. Believe me when I say that I read it multiple times... 2012, is it 2012? Are you sure... it's not from 2009 ? Ah crap... Of course I wake him up and I'm angry. He stops for a moment and says "I love you, every part of you, but we're just not having sex.." I kick him out. Of course he tries to apologize, tries to calm me down, but that wasn't going to work. He sits outside of my house crying for 4 hours until one of my relatives shoo's him off. Eventually he told me that "the real reason" he put it up there is because of a fight we had in 2011 that supposedly spurred his depression and made him feel trapped in our relationship. He said that he only went on there a few times, but after that he never went back. He told me that he only wanted attention from other girls and that's all. I demanded he tell me the truth as to when he went on, as I saw May 30 2012, and he continues to deny, deny, deny. He conveniently deleted everything - the profile, his e-mail, his internet history, claiming he needs to "start over and get rid of what tempted him". He confessed to me that he was planning on proposing in a few months. I asked if he would have still carried on with his lie had I not found out? He said, why would I hurt the person I love? I told him, he needs to change, I won't see him for months, he's been begging, pleading, crying, saying how he made a huge mistake, and he should have realized that I was the only woman he truly needed, loved, and wanted, that it was the biggest mistake of his life. I am so confused. His family adores me (And his parents won't even talk to him now because of what he's done), we spent so much time together, and in my eyes we had the perfect relationship. This is so not in his character or personality to do this... even his best friend is disgusted by him... I've never seen him do a dishonest thing in my life... Please give me some outside insight? (I am 23, he is 21. He was a virgin when we met, and he saved his virginity for "the right girl").
@Perplexed....Well, if you think it's reassurance he needs, then that might be an easy segue into the conversation. Reassure him that you don't want anyone else, and then say you hope he doesn't either. Or however you want to say it, and then go from there. But we understand your hesitancy, even though this conversation needs to happen at some point. We respect that you're an honest person, so in keeping with who you are, you just need to be honest with him, and tell him what you need...and that he doesn't need to be looking elsewhere if he has everything he needs right in front of him.
I suppose what bothers me is that I don't know what he's doing. If he is doing it for entertainment purposes I would not care, we are avid "people watchers" and I could easily see him using this website at work for entertainment. I don't think I could bring myself to check up on him, I feel like that would be dishonest and I am a very honest person. I hope to find a good way to honestly approach the situation, but I haven't found the nerve or the words to do so. I am slightly concerned that he might be looking for something better but at the same point since I told him I was in love with him he has been more affectionate, talkative, and shown more love even though he is not in love. This is his first serious long term relationship since his divorce almost 4 years ago. I think in some ways (from coments he has made) he feels like that since He is the only person I've dated and I was in a 10 yr relationship that started in high school before this that I might end up leaving him because I find someone else, even though I have told him I'm not interested in anyone else.
@Perplexed......If you've read some of our other comments—and the comments of other women—you'll know how we feel about this. In our minds, intent to cheat, constitutes cheating. However, we understand your dilemma. If he's not actually doing something, then why rock the boat? Of course, you do realize, that eventually it will become too much for you, and you'll have to bring it. Hmm......let's see. Okay, we have a few questions for you. What bothers you about it? If he doesn't actually do anything, do you care? Are you afraid he's out there trolling for sex and/or someone better? If you think he's on there for just fun, but aren't sure, you could always check. (We're not saying you should do this, but we know other women who have, so we're putting it out there.) We're sure you can figure out how to do that. Keep us posted. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks!
I am legally seperated and have been working on getting divorced for over a year. I met a wonderful man online. He said he would like to get married again someday, I said I wasn't interested in getting married again after my divorce was finalized because it was a bad experience for me. We decided to make things exclusive and dated for 4 months when he broke things off. I told him I wanted to be friends still, our children had met and liked to play together. I gave him space incase he decided friendship wasn't what he wanted and he contacted me 3 days later asking me to a basketball game. We began spending alot of time together became intimate again, and are acting like we're in a relationship. He brings me around his family, I have met his mother and grandmother, he gave me the garage code so I can get into his house if I make it there before him when we have plans. He has showed me around his hometown, showed me old family pictures, buys me thoughtful gifts, does all these things that scream relationship loud and clear. I told him recently that I love him and he said he wasn't there yet, and that he didnt think he wanted to get married, which is fine because I don't either. The only problem is he still has a profile up on the dating site we met on, and logs on about once a week. I have been checking, because even though he has never lied to me, and is a wonderful person I am insecure about the relationship since he broke things off before. We have been seeing eachother now for almost 9 months and he spends most weekends with me except when he is visiting family. We have joked before about the online dating and I know he had visited it at work with coworkers to joke about people's profiles and things like that. Im afraid to talk to him about it and I'm wondering if I should just ride things out and see how they go since besides this one problem there has been no problem in the relationship and he is continually making plans with me. I can't bear the though of not having him in my life, he has become a great friend to me and I love him dearly.
@Louise.......We responded to your previous comment.
@Louise......We're sorry you're feeling so hurt by this. And we understand. Okay, let's start with you. Sure, you might be critical, but it doesn't sound like something that would drive a person to cheat. Relationships take a lot of work, and with that a lot of communication about needs, etc. It sounds like you've been very clear to him about what you need: "I'd like to know at least a day in advance to what the plans are." And this has probably been an ongoing issue among others. But cheating, or being open to cheating is a whole other ballgame. First of all: Any guy who is in a committed relationship should not have an active dating profile. There's no other way of saying it really. And the fact that he was totally open to your trap—yes, it was deceitful on your part, but also clever—shows where his head's at, and shows the strength of your relationship, or lack of strength. Meaning, if he's ready to jump on some other woman just because you told him you couldn't go to the theater with him, shows how tenuous your connection is. (He had plenty of people he could have asked: friends, family.) Why he feels this way is certainly something you should explore, but honestly it's just an excuse. Not every guy who is unsure about his relationship is open to cheating. And if that's his first flight response you've got an issue on your hands. We guess you have to ask yourself whether you can trust this guy again? That's up to you. Please keep us posted as things progress. And feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. And finally, let your friends know about us. Thanks.
There seems to be a bit missing from the message I just posted. Basically it said I said I was free tonight and asked why he was single and that I was just looking for a one night stand. His response was then 'Yeah cool. Too busy lame I know! Where u wanna meet? Sanderson?, Yeah that's cool but might as well use the tickets. I can get room at Sanderson'.
I'm so glad I found this site too and I hope I receive a reply. I met my boyfriend on an internet dating site in January, we chatted for a month then met in Feb. The relationship has been intense; he told me he loved me a few weeks ago and my met all his family at Easter. I've invested all my emotions in him and thought he was my future as did he. We've had a few issues but nothing serious, sometimes just around miscommunication, but we've always managed to talk it through. Even the fact that he has mild bipolar hasn't affected our relationship, although I think when it comes to planning he struggles and I do find this annoying. Anyway yesterday he sent me a text saying he had tickets for mamma mia, we hadn't discussed when over the weekend we were seeing each other and I admit I was annoyed it was last minute, I like to know at least a day before whats happening. I told him I had plans and wouldnt be able to make it - I wasn't feeling great, didn't want to trek into London and thought it may make him think in future about organising stuff earlier (we have had that discussion and generally he has listened). I said he should go anyway. He said would it be weird if he asked my sister. I thought that was as hes only met her once and has 10 brothers and sisters and friends, why spend an evening with my sister. Something then made me go back to the website where we met and I saw his profile. He had previously forwarded me an email saying he had cancelle this. I was shooked and then decided to email him under a made up account (I know thats bad and up until now I had not questioned his trust but seeing his profile I thought was odd). I sent him a provocative message saying'do you want to come and play with me, free tonight'. He replied saying had two tickets to the theatre. I played along and said great, I asked him why he was single and that I was only interested in a one night stand'. His response 'Yeah cool. Too busy lame I know! Where u wanna meet? Sanderson? What's your name? Yeah that's cool but might as well use the tickets. I can get room at Sanderson'. I then sent him a text message saying can't beleive you were going to cheat. He said he 'just wanted to go to the show with someone since supposed girlfriend wants to play games and arrange stuff because I haven't planned stuff, kind of decided I had enough when I went on site'. He is right, I was stupidly playing a game, but to do this has broken my heart. He said 'he had no intention of doing anything, was using her as a bum on seat so I don't go on my own like a loser, even though I felt bad I was going to call, I try and make you happy but nothing is ever good enough'. He said at worse we would have gone to theatre but would have spoken to me first. I know I'm not perfect and I know I can be critical, like the planning thing and I have played games a little like not answering the phone when he calls or being busy because he's left arrangements to the last minute. But I would never have even contemplated meeting someone else. A guy a few months ago wanted to meet for coffee but I felt so disloyal after a long time agonising over it I decided it wouldn't be right. I know people with bipolar can make irrational decisions, but am I making that as an excuse?? The thing is there has been no other signs and I honestly thought we had something good together. I know he didnt even meet the pretend person but to me the fact that he even contemplated going on the site (where we met) and fell into the trap says he was open to it. Can someone make a mistake and be trusted? Maybe I drove him to it because he feels nothing he does is good enough - although I've made a big deal when he buys me flowers etc and always send thank you texts or notes saying thank you. I know I have criticised his planning before but I thought that was sorted and I did say once that he was not being very affectonate and he said his last girlfriend said the same but he changed that once he knew how much I cared for him. But those things were like teething problems and we sorted them out. I feel sick, gutted..what should I do??
@Polly.......Don't worry about whether or not you will look silly? Relationships are really complicated. And you understand your situation better than anyone else on this site, so stop worrying. So how do you get through this? Well, it seems you and your boyfriend have a lot of talking to do. (Maybe even with a professional couple's counselor to moderate and facilitate.) But what does your gut tell you right now? Do you believe his explanation? Did he elaborate? What do you think? And do you consider this cheating or not? You see, cheating is not so black and white. For some people cheating means that their partner had some sort of physical relations with someone else. But for others cheating includes other emotional connections. And then for others it's everything in between. Where does this fall for you? Because depending on where you think his indiscretion falls, that's how far you have to come back to trusting him again. It's hard for us to say. We've said this before to several other people but we'll say it again: We find it hard to believe that a guy would be on a dating site just to get some sort of affirmation that they're attractive. And the, "you're too good for me, and I don't feel like you find me attractive" excuse reeks of lameness. Keep us posted. And feel free to ask a follow up question.
Well I'm so pleased I found this site. My boyfriend of three years (living together for the last two) works away Monday to Thursday. Until a couple of weeks ago I trusted him implicitly. I had borrowed his laptop to find something online, his browsing history brought up a dating website, I ignored it at the time thinking there is no way he would do that. Last night my suspicious mind got the better of me and I searched on the website for men of the area where he works, guess what...yes he was on there. I rang him straight away, I felt sick. As all of the other posts above he claimed that he feels like I don't find him attractive and so was only doing it for confidence boost. He has apparently never met anyone, nor would he, he promises this on his daughters life! I am gutted I feel like I would've done anything for him. Now my head is battered, I really love him, but I know from reading the emails above how silly I would look if I forgave him. He can't apologise enough, he says he loves me blah blah, just like the others. How do I get through this?
@Confused and Heartbroken.....We're sorry this is going on. His explanation seems to be somewhat plausible, although it would have been so much better if he had just told you about it, especially since you seem to be open to it and understand that guys occasionally like to indulge in porn. Look, this guy is your fiance. He should want you to be happy. And he's the one that brought this into your relationship, not you. So this is open game. Just ask him if he's still doing it, and is he on other sites. If you get busted for snooping he should understand. He's the one that crossed the boundary. If he throws a fit you really need to consider whether or not he's truly the man you want to be with. But we think you'll be able to work this out. He does seem like he truly cares for you. Good luck and feel free to ask us another question anytime.
I have read all of these stories and replies and it makes me feel a bit better that i'm not the only good girl out there who has a naughty partner. My man and I have been engaged for 2 years now and it took him 8 months to plan the engagement without me knowing. He flew my friends and family up to where we were living (would have cost a fortune) and my entire family love him and think he is a fantastic guy, which he is, but in the last two months he started a new job working on the mines where his roster takes him away from me for 3 weeks and 1 week back. I know he gets lonely out there, and he looks up porn. I didn't mind because we watch it together and he doesnt react to it unless I provoke him. BUT Last month I found in the computer history three sex-only sites and he had made a profile for one. After a week of not eating and driving myself into the ground he got home and I asked him about it. He said that a bunch of guys on the mine site had a competition going. Everyone made a profile and whoever got the 'hottest chick' to comment on their profile won the $200 bet for that week. He said that about 20 guys were in on it and bet $10 each week to win the money and thats all. I was distressed still, but forgave him after a LOT of talking. It's been a month and I fund another one popped up in his email account. I called my mum and asked her advice and she thinks that, that site might be automatically linked to the first one he set up for the bet reason. I'm not sure if its a new one, or if it is just a linked account because I know some are networked to each other. If I ask him, he will understand why I snooped, but if it is a new one he has set up... how will i know!? Thanks :(
@Bella........We're glad you're going to give this a go. Good luck and keep us posted. And thanks for the recommendation. Feel free to ask us another question any time.
Thank you so much for your reply and for getting back to me so quickly. I can't tell you how good it is to have a man's point of view on all of this. As much as I think we often try and put ourselves in your shoes there will always be so many differences in the way men and women think and act that can make it so difficult to understand one and other. My gut feeling is telling me he is telling the truth, that what he did was very wrong and very selfish as he should have had me in mind instead of concentrating on making himself feel better. However, as I said I genuinely think he is one of the good guys and cares for me a huge amount, he has been very supportive and proved he wants to make things better. I spoke to him again last night and told him how hurt I still am but that I want us to move on from this and that I will support him in feeling better about himself but he has to open up, be honest with me and work on making himself feel better without seeking reassurance from people on-line. Hopefully we will get over this as we do have a great relationship in every other way. Thank you again for your help, I have recommended your site to my friends as I think it really is a valuable tool for helping people cope with some of the issues life throws at us. Bella
@Jenny......Two thoughts. If you agree to be exclusive that means neither of you should be out trolling the bars or dating sites. We don't love the fact that he has an active site after you watched him cancel it. That needs to be discussed. However, our second thought is that this doesn't mean you should necessarily dump him. But it's getting close to the last chance. We might not say that to him because it might make him more guarded, but really if he's totally committed he shouldn't be out searching. As you know, if you can't trust your partner you have nothing. So listen your gut, keep your eyes open, and proceed forward. Keep us posted and good luck.
I may be in a similar situation as the rest and could use some impartial advice. My boyfriend and I met online about 6 mnths ago. We both continued seeing/talking to other people for the first 2 and half months or so and about 3 months ago agreed we could have a future together and decided to see each other exclusively. He declared his love for me relatively early on and wasn't discouraged when I didn't feel ready to say the words in return right then - though I have since. We don't live together and while he has raised the possibility, its not something I'm interested in doing until there are plans for marriage. (When you get to the point that you want to share living space and start combining lives there's no sense having one foot out the door in my opinion, you're either in all the way for the long haul or not at all.) I took my dating profile down before we talked about seeing eachother exclusively because I wasn't interested in meeting anyone new. Shortly after we agreed that we weren't looking for anyone else, he told me that he searched for my profile and couldn't find it - it surprised me because what that said to me was that he was still active on the site. His explanation was that he wasn't actively using the site and was just letting it go until his membership expired - he had prepaid for a certain amount of time and with this particular site even if you cancel your membership you are still able to use it for the duration that was originally paid for. A couple of weeks later we were talking about our futures - individually and together and out of the blue he said "I want you to watch me cancel my membership" - so I did. He made comments for weeks afterwards that he was continuing to receive emails from people - I suggested that he hide his profile. That was the last we talked about it. This morning, a friend of mine who has a profile on the site sent me an email with a link to his profile - active within 24hours. I feel betrayed but I'm uncertain about how to approach it. There have been a couple of instances when he has come to me to tell me that he hadn't been honest about something and felt like he needed to tell me. They were big things that would have come out eventually, but nothing I was suspicious of at the time and nothing that has put any permanent stress on our relationship. I'm wondering now if this dishonesty is a pattern though. I'm questioning whether or not I can trust him, but at the same time we aren't married, aren't living together and neither of those things are being discussed in any detail beyond "it would be nice one day". Still, I can't help but be disappointed.
@Bella......This is complicated, that's for sure. First of all he does sound a bit insecure. And if you've been with him for five years that means he was 20 when you met him. Which means you were much more experienced than he was when you two met up. That might not be a big deal to you but it is to a guy. Knowing their woman—we're just making assumptions based on averages—has had more partners, more sexual experience, etc. is tough to handle, especially if the guy is a bit insecure to start with. So if this dynamic or feeling hasn't really changed for him it makes sense that he would seek out affirmation from women who are more his age with relatively the same set of experiences. It's so backward that it almost doesn't make sense but that's generally the psychology behind his behavior. (Of course the other psychology is that he's a cheater and not someone to be trusted.) The thing is, will his feelings of being inferior to you ever change? That's the million dollar question. It's hard to say. Some of this has to do with how you handle it, and most has to do with him just GETTING OVER IT. Because obviously you love him and must be attracted to him or you wouldn't want to be with him. And what happened before he was in the picture is really none of his business and isn't about him. But that's easy for us to say sitting her, but we've been there and we know that he's probably thinking about it and wondering how he compares. At least that's what we're gathering. Can you trust him again? That's up to you. It just depends on whether or not you believe what he's saying. He did breach the trust in your relationship. Twice or three times. And he wasn't honest about it right away. So what do you think? Can you trust him again? Feel free to ask a follow up question anytime. Good luck.
I have noticed that you have quite a few posts of this type on your site and in some ways that makes me feel better and to know I am not the only one going through this but in another way it makes me so angry that men are constantly disrespecting their partners and taking them for granted and not communicating with them instead like we always try to do. I have been with my partner for 5 years - we have a brilliant relationship, we have loads in common, love spending all our time together and tell each other we love one and other every day. I am 32 and he is 25, when we first met I said I thought the age gap was too much and that it would cause problems but he pursued me and seemed so head over heels for me that I fell for him too and eventually we moved in together and now own a house and have recently bought a dog who we both love to pieces. We also both see ourselves married to each other in the future. However at the moment I am in bits. I have suspected in the past that he has chatted to girls on the internet and last summer I saw posts from him on Facebook saying stuff like 'Hey gorgeous how's you' & 'Happy Birthday you little minx' to other girls which I confronted him about and told him over and over how disrespectful I found that sort of behaviour and how much it hurts as I have been badly cheated on in the past. He promised to never do it again as he loved me more than anything in the whole world and didn't want to risk the chance of losing me. This was about 10 months ago and I really thought he had changed and understood how I felt about on-line chatting and that he wouldn't do it again. That was until about a week ago when his whatsapp message went off and I checked his phone - he had messages from another girl chatting and with her sending him pictures of her breasts. I confronted him and he said that she had got in touch with him through facebook that he had been stupid and just got a confidence boost from her messages. Although he had obviously swapped numbers with her and sent messages back. Then I checked his phone again as I just needed to know the full story of the person I have been living with and found him logged in to a site called flirtamatic - he had a full profile with several pictures of himself topless in just a towel or jeans but nothing of his genitals thank God. He had obviously been looking at other girls and chatting to them. I told him to leave that I needed space to think. He stayed away for the night and when he came back I said we needed to talk about everything. He said that the night away from me had been hell that he had told a guy at work what had happened and that he had gone mad at him asking him why he had been so stupid. That being away from me scared the hell out of him and made him realise how much I mean to him and what an idiot he had been. I told him that I didn't understand, that it didn't make sense that I thought we were happy and he said he was, that his life with me was perfect and he wouldn't change a thing. I went through everything I had seen and asked him why he had done it, he said it was when he was feeling rubbish about himself and that he feels insecure about his looks that he feels like he looks like a boy not a man and compares himself to other men of his age my older more manly male friends and feels he should be able to give me everything they do. He said it was nothing to do with me but was about him. He feels like I am too good for him and that he can never be enough for me. He thinks he is too skinny although he now has a great body as he has been going to the gym a lot and hated the fact I used to say he was skinny when he was younger and feels that I out him down even though I am constantly telling him how much I love him. He said he was only seeking attention and recognition of his looks and was not looking for someone new and has never met up with anyone or wanted anyone but me ever since he has been with me. That the profile was set up before we met and he just kept returning when he was feeling rubbish about himself and comparing pictures of how he looked. He said he has always been completely in love with me and me only and fancies the pants off me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but is scared to open up. He had a girlfriend who slept with someone else when she was at university who then switched her phone off on him and wouldn't even talk about it and is scared I might hurt him like she did. All I want is to be with him and have my future with him but I can't believe he broken my trust again after last summer and lied to me about all this stuff when I thought he was happy. Do you think he is telling the truth, I have mentioned body dysmorphia to him and suggested counselling but he said he is not the sort of person to have counselling and cannot open up. The problem is the lies - why couldn't he just talk to me instead of flirting with other girls - am I not enough for him? I have asked how will I know it will not happen again and he has took himself off all the sites including Facebook and has said I am free to check his phone whenever I like even though I know that is not healthy. He has also said that there is no way he would risk losing me after that night on his own but he said that before and made so many promises - can I trust him this time? Please help me to understand this from a man's point of view. I don't think he is really a bad person or ever meant to hurt me but the lies are killing me.
@Alice......Thank you for your input in this discussion. We're sorry you're going through a tough time even if you know it was the right thing to do. We have two reactions to your note. 1. Yes, a 21 year-old guy could make that mistake pretty easily. Although, sometimes there are signs. But when you pick up girls at a bar who knows what's going to happen. Not usually anything good. That goes for the ladies too. 2. There are guys out there that are trustworthy and not doing this sort of thing. Actually, we'd say most guys aren't doing this sort of thing. Hopefully you'll find yourself with a man you can trust who gives you no reason to doubt him. Because being in a relationship where you're always worried that he's cheating isn't going to be very healthy for you or him. And this may be more about your trust issues than your guy. Just some things to think about. Our final thought: Good for you for having the strength to move on. It sounds like you did the right thing.
I just found my boyfriend of 1 year on a dating site. I called him right when I found it and he was all 'hey babe, how's it going?' and I said, oh, just looking at your online dating profile. Dead silence for about 20 seconds. He was acting weird for the last few weeks and I was just thinking it was because his mom just committed suicide by jumping off her apartment building in Chicago. I thought about giving him a free pass, due to his mom dying, but after about 5 seconds of thinking about it, I called it quits right then and there. I love him so much, the night before he was telling me how much he loved me and he wanted to move to Chicago with me and start a family and buy a house with his inheritance. Blah, blah, blah. Silly me believed him. What else was I supposed to believe. I should have known better from the beginning since he was a registered sex offender. He banged some 15 year old girl in Las Vegas when he was 21. They met in a club and she had a fake ID. I overlooked his felony because in reality, that could happen to any guy in Las Vegas on any given night. She had a fake ID and they met in a club so obviously any guy is going to think she's of age right? Anyway, I should have seen the signs. He's a dick and a looser and will never get a normal job and everything else that comes along with a felony. He will never get a girl as good as me because I'm pretty sure no girl with a graduate degree and a good job would give him the time of day. Plus, he's not even that good looking and he's 30 years old and still lives at home with his delinquent dad who smokes weed all day. Now that I'm writing this I'm thinking to myself, Jesus what was I thinking ever giving this douche bag the time of day. He's a looser, he lost me, and I only feel bad for any other girl who's stupid enough to not google his name and keep tabs on him. I can only thank god I haven't trusted him for the last 6-7 months of our relationship. I kept pretty close tabs on him by googleing his alias' etc. GIRLS, word to the wise, check the dating sites often, go through their phones when they're in the shower and check the history on their computers. After reading forum after forum on this subject, no matter who I'm dating and no matter who I marry, I will always keep tabs on that kind of stuff. It's sad, but very true. He lost me and I've never been more satisfied with any decision I've ever made. I loved him, but he is a looser and I should have never even given him an ounce of my energy. :)
@T......We're sorry to hear that. Hang in there.
I actually did accidentally catch my boyfriend cheating on a dating site. I needed to use his computer and when I went to it he had left his profile page up and the chat window from the last girl he was chatting with.
Thanks for your reply, I think you summed him up perfectly. It's not that I've been unaware of these aspects to him and his dating history but that I hoped and believed that this time was different for him. I'm really glad I found this site & best of luck to all the other girls. It's really hard to walk away from someone you love but in my case anyway I think he's already half way out the door and I'd only be buying time before he eventually leaves me at the expense of my self-esteem. Thanks again, A.
@Anne.......Thanks for your question and comments. This sort of behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum as you know. Some of it may have coincided with a fight you had, but what about the other time? And to us, this knee-jerk reaction to your fight seems telling, almost like he has one foot in and one foot out. Viewing dating sites is one thing, but it's the "WHY" behind the behavior that you need to get to the bottom of. Why is he doing this? Is there something about your relationship that's not satisfying to him? Or is he the kind of guy that will always do this when times are rough and a bit difficult? And does he realize that relationships take work? Is he the kind of guy willing to put the work in, or is he going to look for something "better" whenever there's an issue. Answer these questions and then you have your answer. Good luck. We wish you the best.
Hi Guys, first of all I'd like to thank Stacie for her post. My situation is not so different from hers and it's always difficult to know whether to give up and move on or not. My boyfriend and I met September 2010 and moved in together a year later. In January I saw dating profiles on our internet history. This coincided with a big fight we had had and so I viewed it within this context. When I confronted him he said (a) the profile was a couple of years old and he'd get emails encouraging him to log back in - I verified this from his gmail account and also the fact that this seemed to be his first time logging into his profile during our relationship; (b) that he did it purely to look at the pictures of pretty women and didn't contact anyone - also seemed to be true. This particular website was for Russian girls looking for a Western husband and the pictures were far more revealing than a typical dating site. So I decided to let it go. Shortly after this he updated Firefox. One day while using Google I noticed that one of the previous search items was "best dating websites", it could only have been queried in the past few weeks. I confronted him and he said that it was something which he had dabbled in before and he was just reminiscing and not a true reflection of his intentions. I'm not so sure. It all seems a bit fishy - twice within a couple of months, new Firefox with private browsing or at least history deleted (yes I checked back through history again!). Should I trust him and move forward or move on? I just want to add as context that the first time I found his history it was because our keyboard has broken and we needed to use history to access websites for a few days. Also since then I have trusted him because I believe it is important but now I'm not so sure anymore.
@Amy.......Thanks for keeping us posted. There's nothing wrong with giving the person you love another chance. Hopefully he will be able to change his ways. Glad we were able to help you and provide you with another perspective. That's what we're all about. Good luck and keep in touch.
Hey Just thought I would come back and let you know what I decided to do after asking your advice! I decided to help him through it as long as he promised to go for help for his nderlying issues. He has agreed to that and has sought out help! I'm so proud of him and it has restored a bit more faith in him and our relationship. I still havent got over the trust issues and in the back of my mind there's always this niggling doubt but I'm hopeful this is just because it's still early days. He knows he has a lot to make up for and I'm hoping he will come good on his promises. He also knows that one more indescretion like this and it is over. He said he had no idea why he did it and was so ashamed of himself for doing it in the first place that he will never do that to me again. It still doesn't stop the feeling of worthlessness when I think about how I gave up everything to be in a relationship with him and I have been faithful and committed to him for almost a year when he hasnt done the same. I've told him I now class our relationship as only being 2 weeks old as that is how long he has been able to commit to me so far. Fingers crossed for me and as I said if he doesnt take and use his second chance properly then it is all over. Just hope if it ever does come to it that I have the strength to move on! Thanks guys, you gave me another perspective and another angle to look at all this from. You really helped me!
@Sindy......We agree with you. If a person is in an exclusive relationship they shouldn't need to have an active profile on ANY dating site. So the question is, does he think you're in an exclusive relationship, or just you? That's something you might want to chat with him about. Also, something smells a bit fishy to us. Of course we don't know the guy, but we always say, "Trust your Gut." (Watch our video on the topic on the video page.) So what do you think? Keep your eyes open.
Hi Guys,I met my boyfriend on plenty of fish.com on sept 2011. we talked and txted for 3 1/2 months b4 we meet in person. we met in jan 2012. we have been in a relationship exclusively for over 1 month.and he still have an acct on pof. and when i asked him about it,he said that he would delete if he have the internet so stop.and he said he told me that his password has been changed since the stole his laptop and just like his gmail acct got changed too and he doesnt kno the password to them.i dont know if hes cheating or hes lying or if hes telling me the truth? i just dont think he should have a pof profile when hes in a relationship. help !
@Stacie.....Thank you for sharing your experience with this situation. Be assured your story will be read by men and women around the world and will undoubtedly help a good many of them. So thank you for that. We hope you'll be strong enough to realize that you deserve to be with a man who respects you, loves you, and cares about you. You deserve to be with someone you trust, and who's got your best interests in mind when he's out in the world. Don't settle even though it's very difficult to detach yourself. If you do attempt to move on, make sure to surround yourself with people who love you, and throw yourself into the activities you enjoy. Be strong.
I can relate to all you ladies out there, I too am in the same situation. My boyfriend of 3 yrs, I too suspected something was up with him, he was acting different AGAIN. About 9 months into our relationship, I noticed he was still active on a dating site, I know them well because this was how we met. I confronted him with the information and yes he did deny it but it was all there in plain site (he didn't even bother hiding his profile when not online), a sure sign of complete disrespect. Months have went by, and things got a little better but I noticed I was being blamed for things and so on and so forth and I was the one depressed and needed counseling and so I believed he was right and did just that to better myself for OUR relationship, yet he did nothing to better it but criticize me. So a year went by and out of the blue, he wanted me out and it was over (I can only imagine he met someone online and wanted to pursue it further so he wanted me out). So we did break up for 6 months, I was heartbroken, I was truly in love with this man despite finding evidence of possible infidelity and his criticisms of me. After 6 months finally I was getting better, out of my depression, moved on with my life, and he started calling me again, so we got back together to make a long story short. But to my dismay I found an active profile in January and again confronted he and he completely denied it. I was hurt but things got better this time, he was acting normal and loving again so I forgot about it. Well last week, after suspecting again something was wrong , found an active profile again and this time a new picture posted, so there will be no doubt he can deny it this time. But my dilemma is I can't confront him again, I am so afraid of losing him completely this time, even with the evidence I still care about him and love him, but am also so tired of being used and disrespected, I have been lying awake at night stressing over the situation. I know what I have to do, because obviously he will continue to do this to me until he up and leaves again then comes crawling back. Its an awful cycle. I believe I deserve a committed relationship with an honest loving man, and as much as it hurts this man probably won't give me those things, I mean it has been over 3 yrs. Anyway, I just wanted to tell my story and hope I can be as strong as you all.
@Blair.........We understand the situation very well. You should read some other posts on this topic because we've answered this a bunch of times. The fact that you even felt the need to snoop should tell you something. (Either about you or your boyfriend or about the relationship) Do you have issues with trust? Or is it this particular guy who has given you a reason not to trust him? It does sound like you've uncovered a bunch of possible indiscretions on his part, or at least potential or attempted indiscretions. So now what do you do with that info? If you tell him he'll know you went behind his back. If you don't tell him then the knowledge will eat away at you. Faced with these two choices we still say you should reveal what you've discovered. Your relationship already feels a bit shaky just by the fact that you're doing these things. So maybe getting everything out in the open will spark some real honest discussion. If he gets defensive then you'll have even more info to go on. Good luck. There are no guarantees here that things will work out but honesty and openness are the best ways to go.
I have only been in a relationship for 3 months with my boyfriend that I met on pleanty of fish, and I have been doing a little detective work because I stumbled across (actually lets be honest I was spying)computer history that said he made a new pof account and then closed it within the same day, also he was messaging on fb an old friend with benifits about meeting up and going for a drive and ice cream and what not. This was about a month in. I confronted him. He turned it into me invading his privacy and getting the wrong idea from something that didnt even happen. I was the one who ended up saying sorry. I have found naked pictures of girls in his pictures folder that were recently sent and had titles, so they came from msn or skype which he oddly keeps passwords on. I have found text messages from girls that he called sweetheart and babe, gave him the benifit of the doubt that it might just be a close girlfriend i ignored it but when i went to go look for it again to re-read it i noticed he deleted it and only it. Those are the main things, i'm going away for 3 months in may for work and he thinks we are going to stay together but how can i trust him? How can I tell him I read a text in his phone? or looked at the history on his computer?
@Amy......The only way to know if he's lying or cheating is to find evidence of it, or ask him yourself. Of course he could lie and tell you he's never met anyone. Why don't you ask him if he's ever met up with anyone since 2001? Try to be casual and make it sound like you're talking about years ago. If he says yes to any of it then you'll know he's not someone you can trust. But honestly, we're still feeling very uneasy about the whole situation. We just think putting up an online profile while in a relationship is a huge red-flag regardless of anything else. It just seems that anyone who is content and happy wouldn't even think to do that.
My gut is telling me I still love him but I still don't understand it! He's had the profile since 2001 and told me he rarely goes on it anymore. I just don't know whether to believe he actually wouldn't go meet these people. I'm 9 years younger than him and we are subject to a lot of jokes because of it. I have turned down a lot of offers because I respected him and wanted to be part of a proper family and I thought that was happening when his 2 children started calling me their step-mum and then I come across things like that when he is going away for 3 nights. He works away quite a bit, how am I supposed to know if he is lying or cheating?
@Amy......So what do you think? Do you think this is acceptable? What's your gut telling you? We do like the fact that he owned up to it and admitted to having a bit of an issue. But we're skeptical of the rest honestly. There are many ways to find out if you're still desirable to other women without going to this extreme. A lot of married guys feel the need for validation every once in a while, but they can get that with casual flirting at work, a smile from a stranger, etc. Putting up a profile on any dating site while involved in a committed relationship is crossing the line. There's really no other way to say it. So you're left with some choices. 1. Forgive him. Be understanding. And help him work through this. 2. Move on because you don't really trust him to change. That's up to you. Finally: The big question that looms for us is why does he need THIS kind of validation? This would imply some insecurity issues. Feel free to ask us a follow up question. A lot of people do. And let us know how this turns out. Good luck.
Hi I recently found out that my boyfriend had a profile on a swingers site when I had a closer look I found that he had been setting up meetings with couples telling them that he can satisfy them both and then I came across one message telling someone that he is on an away day with work and will be nearby and he could go meet her for sex. I asked him about it immediately as I was furious and he admitted to it but said he did it for attention to see if he was still desirable to other women and he would never meet up with these people. He had also put his phone number out there for all to use and said he had received some texts but had deleted them without replying as he didn't actually want to meet these people it was a bit of titilating fantasy. I don't know whether to believe him or whether this should be acceptable? He said he's tried to stop and he does have a bit of an issue but he has tried to stop. Is this something that guys would do but never go to meet up or am I just being a fool to attempt to believe him?
@kacey..........You can't because you still love him. Breakups are very difficult and it takes time to process all the intense feelings and emotions. Hang in there.
ive gone through so much emotion with this situation, anger,[ain, hurt, regret,blame etc. my ex is trying to get me back, trying to answer the questions i have regarding what he did, i have met him in person a couple of times but we dont say anything of importance, i did how ever send him an epic email with every single thing that i thought, feltand had gone through, regarding his leaving me, he replied, answering what he chose to, but the answer to the why were you advertising yourself question was 'i wasnt i just got mail n replied coz i was flateres n that was it'. i did reply saying unless there was a live profile there wouldnt have been views. ah man why cant i just switch my feelings off,n let him go
@Anne.......We don't think it's a big deal for him to put up a dating profile AFTER the two of you broke up. As long as it was actually AFTER. (If it was during the time you were dating then you need to absolutely move on.) Doing something like Match dot com is easy. It does the work for you, especially if you don't have a lot of time to go out to the bars, or to parties to try and meet people. So in that sense he's telling the truth. A dating profile is like window shopping without having to actually spend your money. It's a good way to see what's out there and to see how well you'll be received. Sure a lot of people have success online dating but it can just be a casual and fun thing as well. But that's a separate issue than you getting back together with him. The question is, do you really trust him? What do you believe? And do you think he's really changed, or is he just lonely? We can't answer that for you, but your gut will tell you what to do. (Check out our videos on Trusting your Gut, and Listening to your Friends. They might help) Good luck Anne.
I have a similar issue. I broke up with my boyfriend after dating him for a year and half over a misunderstanding. We had been in college together but he graduated and moved away to for his job. We got back together but he was constantly stressed out about his job and I was stressed out at school. Things weren't great and we took a break but he broke up with me. Right after, he started a dating profile on a site. I was confused because he said he couldn't handle a relationship and could no longer do the long distance. I took the break up pretty hard. 2 weeks ago, he decided to show up at my front door to try and win me back. Said he had a sudden realization that he shouldn't have broken up with me because things were stressful. He said he is willing to work through the long distance this time. I still love him, but I want to know why did someone who said they have no time, start a dating profile? I asked him this, but he said he just wanted to feel attractive again or get over me as soon as possible. My friends are against me taking him back, because this would be the third time. I don't know if he is being sincere or going back to a comfort zone. What is going on in his head?
@Yan.....are you asking a question? We weren't sure what it was.
I can't believe this. I pretend some one else to talk to him, he first line was "wish you can cum over"..I love him so much, but I couldn't get over the fact that when I ask him what is he looking for, he said" whatever comes to me i guess“. I cheated on him once, but he forgave me and we are doing just better than before.Well, I am not gonna expose him, but what should I do?
@Nikki....Thanks for sharing your experience AND your support. Hang in there to you as well.
I just found out my fiance of 7 years is playing at the same game, I don't even know how to react or if it's time to call it quits. I had caught him out years ago, gave him a second chance and now he's doing it again. Hang in there Kacey your not alone.
@Maisie....Thank you for joining the conversation. We're sorry your boyfriend chose to behave the way he did. Not very honorable. Hang in there.
My BF just ended the relationship without warning. My home computer internet browsing history showed me that he had been receiving mails from a dating site PLUS an old girlfriend in the last few weeks while a guest in my home. he had already asked me to remove my names from the site where we met!!!!! So..be warned. Be careful who you trust with your heart and home.
[...] My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating? [...]
[...] My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating? [...]
@Paul...no, no, no. We WANT you to give your exact opinion. We absolutely want you to say whatever is on your mind, including telling someone what to do. We were just saying, that we try to steer clear of that for many reasons. But you shouldn't. Please keep telling it like it is! Thanks for being a great voice to the discussion. And a needed one!
@Kacey......Please don't go quite that far. Some men are honest and trustworthy. In fact, many men are. Just not this one. Take care and thanks for your follow up comment. Keep in touch and let us know how things are going. And feel free to ask another question anytime.
you know what it is, i found out so much more regarding this lovely bloke, i sat in my little shell thinking i was a awfull horrible bitch as he said i was, then realised, i had seen the information for myself and there was'nt any excuse for it, i really feel stupid for thinking i was in such a happy state of mind and he was doing these things behind my back, i must be a silly cow for never seeing the signs, but hey i will be great spinster coz never again will i believe another word from a males mouth
Guys Yeah sorry, steering clear of telling someone what to do . . . . I should have been more thoughtful. Was just trying to offer a possible insight in to his behavior . . . . Should have just left it there.
@Kacey.....our goal is to paint the portrait of your relationship so you can see it more clearly. However, we try to steer clear of telling you what to do. That's why we suggest visiting the comments section. Thanks Paul for your direct and frank opinions.
This sounds like a guy who wants his cake. He has you, and given the opportunity he will have someone else. Sure, you'll be the person he comes home to at night, but as the guys said, he's cheating. Presently, he's playing with the situation. Unfortunately for your relationship, this guy is in his way up. It starts small . . . Looking at other woman on the Internet, then progresses to trying to communicate with them. In the course of your discovery, did you notice that he lied about himself online? Did he present himself as something different to the people he was trying to contact? Maybe he made himself younger, sound more interesting than reality, or even have more money. Or was he looking at NSA sites? If so, it means he wasn't even being honest with a person with whom he may actually meet from online. How can you trust him to be honest with you? I'm surprised you were able to wait until you were 'calm' to talk to him.. . . Is this really true. . . . Or we're you afraid he would leave? Was your request to him to leave a test of his remorse? He knows you, and he is playing you at your own psychological game . . Only he seems better at it. This relationship will end in hurt for you . . . . Find the courage to move on. Don't take his calls, . . . Let him go.