Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance?

• Yvonne 2013-05-14 01:41:13 said:

  Hi guys, my situation is very similar, complicated, AND confusing. I dated this guy for a month, who was my old flame when we were younger but broken up by my parents. I contacted him after many years and he was in a relationship with his gf of almost 2 years. He said he wasn't happy with his relationship anymore and broke up with her. Now after dating for a month, he tells me that he started missing her and broke up with me. I thought things were going great between us, but I see that he was thinking about his ex and what happened because the breakup ended pretty bad... He tells me he likes me a lot and made him really happy, but he can't help it. He just missed having her in his life but he really wants me and him to be best friends. While he tells me this, my heart just starts to crush and crush. He apologizes a lot and says he feels guilty for what he did to me. I thought it was over for good between us, because whenever a guy just breaks up with you because of his ex then there's no going back. But after a few days he texts me that he misses me and called me beautiful like he usually did when we dated. This is where my confusion started. He never talked to his ex ever since our breakup because I've been constantly on his mind. Before, he said that he misses his ex, but now he says that he doesn't know if he misses her, or miss being in love. But I believe that he misses her or else he wouldn't have broken up with me and it makes me feel so sad to tears because I really want things to work out between us. I honestly think there needs to be a break between us by having no contact at all. Just recently he called and said that he really needs to think things through because he was confused. I just told him that we shouldn't talk for awhile, and he was okay with it but in a sad way. After all this, i still want to be with him, but i dont want to be with someone who is not over his ex. After everything I said, what do you guys think? Will there be a chance that he'll want to get back with me and be over his ex for good? I really need an advice and opinion about this.. I can't believe I never found this site earlier! It's really great you guys do an excellent job :)

• One of the Guys 2013-04-03 08:53:43 said:

  @Sarah.....Trust your gut. You've got good instincts. Keep us posted.

• Sarah 2013-04-02 18:11:19 said:

  Guess what - he contacted me last night via text! Asked how my day was etc. I responded and he sent a nice text back - even called me beautiful which is what he also called me at the start and then asked me if I was back on the dating site. I said not yet as I am not ready but I that I will have to at some time, he said he knows and that I deserve someone better and ready. I responded that I didn't need someone better as he was what I wanted but that he isn't ready and that when he is ready to contact me and in the mean time I will live life - if we are meant to see each other again it will happen. He sent a smiley face back and then I said I had some tickets for his kids that I would send to him and he replied back or we could have coffee. Do you think I should have a coffee or is this just going to make things complicated again? I am going away for 10 days shortly and I am thinking that it might be better if I don't have a coffee so that he can really think about what he wants and perhaps I could say I will take a rain check on the coffee when I get back from my trip - then see how he is feeling?

• One of the Guys 2013-04-02 09:29:43 said:

  @sarah....You're welcome. Take care and keep us posted.

• Sarah 2013-04-02 05:47:11 said:

  Thank you so much for your quick reply! When we broke up I told him that I was going to start dating again at some stage (I haven't yet) and that I couldn't wait for him any longer but when he was ready to contact me and if I was still single then we could try again. He totally agreed with me and understood where I was coming from and said that it wasn't fair on me and he wouldn't want me to wait as he didn't know how long it would take him but that he would contact me again. So we have already had that conversation but I guess like you said he is afraid of losing me (which is kind of what I thought) and hence the reason he keeps checking to make sure I am ok. I find that so hard as each time he contacts me it brings back all those feelings I have for him and I hope he wants to try again. If he contacts me again any time soon I will take your advice and talk with him again and explain I need all contact to cease until he feels he is ready to try again - if that happens at all. (It's going to be hard but I guess its the only way I will ever be able to move on) Thanks for your help :-)

• One of the Guys 2013-04-01 09:10:45 said:

  @Sarah.....He's contacting you because he doesn't want to lose you, or have you start dating again, even though he's pretty sure he's not ready to be in a relationship. Yes, bad timing. Sorry. The best thing you can do is let him go, tell him to stop contacting you unless he wants to make a go of it, and then let him know that you'd be open to hearing from him if at some point he might be ready again. But also let him know that you're not going to stop your life while you wait for him. What do you think? Of course it's up to you.

• Sarah 2013-04-01 07:59:07 said:

  I am posting this here as my question relates to ex's. I am 40 and have been separated for 2yrs and started dating about 4 months ago. I recently met a guy online who has been separated for 1 year. Things started off via email online and then texting and calling. We would text many times through out the day and he called me a few times a day as well. We met each other after about 10 days of this and the was an instant attraction and I had sex with him on the first date - I know a very bad choice! Anyway that didn't stop things and everything was going along well, sure the texting and calls were not as often but hey we both have work to do so that didn't worry me at all. After about 3 weeks things started to change and he wasn't contacting me as often and wasn't 'talking" as much - text were shorted, he stopped leaving kisses or smily face, didn't call me the names like beautiful etc . He also started asking me if I was ok (I wasn't saying anything but I guess he could just tell) - I kept saying I was ok until one day I said that I was confused and not sure what was going on. He told me he felt the same - and that he was talking with his sister and saying how he thinks I am amazing but he just isn't giving as much as he could. We ended up having a massive talk and he told me that his ex wife had left him and broke his heart. He said this had never happened to him and he didn't understand why she had left. He said he was depressed and was on medication but when I asked about counselling he was totally against it - so I dropped that. He said that I came along and swept him off his feet but now reality had set in and he was scared and didn't want to hurt me or get hurt himself and that he wanted to take things slow. So i agreed to take things slow - it was really hard and he could tell I wasn't happen so after 2 weeks of this - we decided to have a break and give him time to sort out his shit. He text me the next day after breaking up to see if I was ok (i wasn't but I told him I would be) and I asked him how he was and he said sad but that he wasn't worried about him just about me. We had no contact for 2 days and then he started texting me again which led to me having a coffee with him and we started texting and calling and seeing each other again - but not often. Anyway I did this for another 3 weeks or so and realised that as much as I liked him and wanted to make a go of this that he just wasn't ready and that he needed time to get over his wife and sort out himself so I decided to end it last week. It was the hardest thing I have done. He totally understood and said it wasn't fair on me, we talked for ages and I basically said that I like him but I want to be with someone that wants to be with me and can give 100 percent and I didn't feel he could do that at the moment, I said I wanted to wait for him but I didn't know how long it would take for him to be ready so I said I would be dating again at some point and if we are meant to be then it will happen. He agreed and apologised and said he never wanted to hurt me, and I do believe him - he is a good guy just bad timing! Anyway the thing is - he has text me again for Easter and I responded, then he called me today to say Hi and then sent me a text saying 'are you ok, you don't sound ok' - I said I was ok but finding it hard, he responded with a sorry xx. So the thing is I just don't understand why he keeps contacting me? As much as I love to hear from him I am finding it hard. I am thinking he doesn't want to lose me but maybe I am wrong? Maybe he just wants to make sure I am ok or be my friend? Should I ask him to stop contacting me for a while? It is hard to know what to do because all I want him to do is have time to heal and then I am hoping we can try again. I feel like saying - I am giving you time to do what you need to do to heal, so you need to do this and let me do what I need to do to move on - if when you are ready again and you want to see me then contact me and if I am still single then it is meant to be! Any advice would help me!

• suzy 2013-03-22 13:42:46 said:

  Hi, I was wondering am I wasting my time. Or too jealous over nothing . My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now . We were both presently married before . Am divorced now but he's not .. our living situation is his ex is our neighbor. He owns the house she lives in and the one we live in .. everyday he goes up and put a fire on to keep the house warm for when she gets back from work , also when he knows she there he goes in and talks to her . He even bring in the mail and takes out the garbage for her ... they were married for 28 years he had told me that they were not in any sort of sexual for over 15 years . There isn't not one day he doesn't go into that house ... he says to me that am the best thing that happened to him and I have nothing to worry about .. however I find it not normal for someone to be always at their ex's .. also he says to me that she not physically able to do things on her own ..ya right I think if she can get up and go work everyday she can surely start a fire or check her mail etc .... I believe he has a problem letting her go .. he has told me before he still loves her but not in a sexual way ... what am I suppose to think ?? I had asked before why doesn't he just divorce her and he says well am going to lose everything ..being materialistic... also he pays some of her bills . Then complains to me that he has to give me some money for food ? Like wtf I don't think he is fully committed to me ...help !

• One of the Guys 2013-03-14 17:01:50 said:

  @Ashley....Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it! There's a lot here to consider so we'll go through it piece by piece. This relationship with his ex is going nowhere. He probably knows that deep down, but the problem is, he still has strong feelings for her. It's hard to say exactly why, but if she was his first, that factors into the equation. The problem we have with his need to go back is it shows a lack of maturity. We understand he's under a lot of stress and he's confused, but at the same time, we worry about people who have an infatuation that doesn't go away even after repeated signs that it's not a healthy relationship. And frankly, we think her interest has more to do with the fact that she doesn't want him to move on, rather than an actual interest in him; or maybe she doesn't like being alone, and she knows she can reel him in whenever she feels like it. So once again, why is he still open to her, especially with you in the picture? And ask yourself this question: Do you think you'll be open to him coming back without being resentful? Also, how long does he actually need to get closure? Is this about closure, or is this about seeing if he can make this work with his ex? And if that's the case, do you want to be the woman he settles for when the person he really wants doesn't work out? We're not trying to be downers here, but you wanted an objective opinion. That's how we see this. That said, if he comes back soon, apologizes, tells you it was a big mistake, and that he didn't know what he was thinking, then maybe this has a chance. But if this goes on for a while, even if he's in contact with you, then all he's doing is trying to keep you in a holding pattern, while he explores his love for her. Thoughts? Questions? We're sorry we couldn't be more positive here, but we've seen this too many times before.

• Ashley 2013-03-14 16:46:13 said:

  (I sent a donation through a paypal account with the same email address) Hey guys! His ex: His first everything who left him when she got to college to be single (when she actually had a new guy lined up) and because of a lack of interest after theyd been together a year and a half. they would hook up and almost get back together (or so he thought) several times, but she still lacked enough interest and said she only had "residual feelings." she keeps in touch as friends throughout all of this with him (on and off) and will tell him whoever he is trying to see isnt good enough, etc. She tells him it is NEVER going to happen about a year ago Us: He and I became friends a few months after his ex tells him its done for good and lived in the same building for three months after this so we saw each other and hung out regularly. I didnt know he had a crush on me the entire time until later. he doesn't ask me on a date until we have been friends for 4 months and I tell him it is too soon after my break up to pursue it but we hang out as friends nearly every day from this point on. We begin casually dating 6 months into our friendship and become official about 8 months in when I say I am ready. During the time beforehand, I was dating around, he is not (we were both honest about it). The relationship/talking was complete bliss, the happiest I've ever been and he said the same. He took me to meet his entire family and have me stay with his childhood friends, introduced me to all his friends at our university and started talking about living together next summer (just for summer). When he told his ex he had a new girlfriend so started calling/texting/wanting to hang out more. He sees her several times, but just for coffee and I know about it. He deleted her number and blocked her on facebook. But a mere month later she tells him she was really reconsidering things and thought that hanging out was going well and is shocked to see how serious he is about me. I ask him to break contact with her. His stress piles up simultaneously: 1. His mother has serious surgery, leaving her unable to walk, causing fights between his parents that might potentially lead to a divorce. 2. his research (future career) is extremely demanding, part of his university credits 3. he overhears that his mother might have cancer, but since she doesnt know that he heard she hasnt given him any updates, leaving him in perpetual confusion 4. his living situation for next year falls through and his roommates find out he was trying to leave, causing awkward confrontations with people he now has to live with again 5. his coworkers leave for conferences for several weeks, causing him to be scheduled for 5 hour work shifts almost every single night 6. when he confronts his ex and says they cannot speak anymore she tells him for the first time since their initial relationship that she likes him again and wants to get back together and doesnt want to stop talking (she has always rejected him) 7. he goes home to visit his parents, encounters the situation there firsthand and has a breakdown, causing his parents to insist on therapy (which he is super embarrassed about) Two weeks after his ex's admission (we have been official for 2 months) he says he can't stop obsessing over it and that it is too much with all the stress to process everything and he asks for a break. On the phone he is crying saying he doesnt want to do this but doesnt know what else to do. I am completely supportive. We talk twice in the first two weeks after. he says he has strong feelings for me and that i am perfect for him, but with everything going on, his ex coming back into the picture is really confusing as he was completely over her and had accepted the end of their romantic relationship and that he is afraid he will ruin things with me if he puts me through all of his life issues. He says he wants to be with me but the curiosity of what could be with her is killing our relationship because he is obsessing over it. I continue to be supportive and not to contact him. A week later I see him walking with his ex. He texts me asking me to come over and talk and I insist that i am only coming to get my things. He apologizes, saying he messed up by hanging out with her before he met up with me and that he has needed this time to explore his feelings for her because he shouldnt be in a relationship with me if he is thinking about her at all. He insists that they are not hooking up (which a mutual friend says is true) and that he is really struggling between getting with an ex who has screwed him over many times so that can be done with it if it doesnt work out this time and being with me when we have such a great relationship, but that he was wrong to handle it that way. she has been persistent and texting/calling/crying to him/asking him to hang out while i have not contacted him first at all. by the end of the night we are joking and laughing and share an awkwardly long and tension-filled goodbye hug and he reiterates that he misses me and cares about me but needs this time to figure this out. The next night he calls me. He says that he broke up with me because he was not sure what he felt about his ex, not to get with her and that his feelings for me have not changed and he still feels very strongly but that he thinks this is something he "needs to do." he says that this is the first time she has pursued him and he needs to just push through it to closure with her because it all felt very unsettled every time she just "lost feelings" for him. he says he is losing out on an amazing relationship with me, which he regrets and that the decision to let her creep back into his life was a mistake and a selfish/immature one and that he needs to close that door with her once and for all before he can really commit to anyone else again. He has decided to resume talking with her, but has not informed her yet as he wanted me to know first in case that escalates to a relationship again. I told him I would contact him when I was ready but that he should not reach out to me. His friends and the family member I am close to say that he is making a terrible mistake in giving her a chance at all and throwing away our great relationship (which he has apparently been talking about to them for ages) to see things out with her. They are worried it will send him back into the same spiral and that I wont be willing to take him back afterwards. Consensus though is that he is a really great guy and just confused. Should I just consider this a lost cause for the future? Does he genuinely want what he had with me but need to do this with her? Is there a chance she is actually serious about him this time and they will last? Please help! Thanks! Sincerely, Ashley

• Confused 2013-03-09 06:20:22 said:

  1. If you resubmit your question as a comment on one of our existing posts that are related to your topic, we can usually answer your same day/eve. The Guy's Perspective. Go to "Ask the Guys" page, scroll down to archive of questions, pick one, then click comment and copy/paste your question. Here it is: I will try and make this brief.. meet a guy online and we hit it off immediately .. we chatted for a month before meeting and it was exactly the same. I picked up he had a few insecurities from a previous relationship which he brought up all the time, we managed to talk through all this.. he gave me the key to his house after 2 weeks (we are both in our 40's) and told me he loved me after a month and I could move in if I wanted to. Dating in 60 days I spent at least 45 with him.. he kept on saying how comfortable and easy it was with me.. told his friends and family how great I was and we had a solid foundation. My question is the lack of physical intimacy .. he said he needed to be emotionally connected to have physical intimacy .. a subject which we spoke about often .. but nothing every improved.. he was very affectionate but that was it.. it was like going to bed with your best friend. Ultimately this as well as drama's with a best friend (married woman, he was friends with both her and the husband) broke us up as he was unable to put me first. Despite this I still miss him and would probably take him back, which would be difficult as exactly a week after we broke up, he re-joined the dating site. Your thoughts please Confused

• Trickina 2013-01-09 10:29:40 said:

  We had a brief talk about it. He thanked me for being able to put my romantic feelings for him to the side and just listen and talk as friends. He took a little getaway to clear his head and i just gave him his space and didn't contact him. When he got back he said he really likes me and wants to continue to date because he doesn't want to lose me. He just wants things on his side to be better before he commits.

• One of the Guys 2013-01-08 13:49:09 said:

  @Trickina.....It sounds like as things got more serious he started realizing that he probably wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship. Honestly, it seems too soon to tell what's going on. Maybe he's never really had to think about it before because he didn't like someone as much as you? Or it's possible it's an excuse. Have you talked to him about it? What does he say? Are you still planning on seeing him? Does he still want to date? What we will say is, we'd cool it on the sex until things are resolved, otherwise you might fall into a booty call type arrangement.

• trickina 2013-01-07 14:53:58 said:

  We've been dating for about 3 months now. We actually first started dating 7 months ago but I called things off after a month. Then after another 3 months we gave things another try. Things have been great this second time around. We've met each others parents and other family members, he goes to my games/performances, gets along with my son, we give each other advice ect. We just recently started having sex and it was about a week later that he told me he was not over his break up.

• One of the Guys 2013-01-07 14:19:22 said:

  @Trickina......Could you explain your relationship with this guy a bit better? It's unclear if you're just friends or dating him? And if you're dating, are you having sex with him as well? How long exactly has all of this been going on? We nee more info to give you a more complete answer.

• trickina 2013-01-07 12:31:38 said:

  He's not divorced they were together for about 3 years but have known each other longer. When we were having the talk about him not being over the break up, I put my romantic feelings to the side and talked to him like a friend. I feel like he knows the destination he wants to go to, but he's at a fork in the road deciding to take a more comfortable known route or try a new route. Yeah it popped in my head about why he was telling me this after putting in alot of effort to get to know me and being patient with me slowly opening up to him. I don't get the feeling that he's the player type because he's been there done that and was very open and honest with me about his past. So could it be that he is truely ready to finally settle down but might be scared to explore unknown territory and rather just settle with what he knows?

• One of the Guys 2013-01-07 11:28:15 said:

  @Trickina......This is hard. The answer lies with his reason for telling you. The question is: Is he telling you the truth, or is he using this as an excuse? It's true that many divorced men do not want to jump back into serious relationships right away. So if he hasn't been divorced long it's possible he just needs some time. (Yes, timing plays a huge part in relationships.) But the fact that he's saying he's not over his ex could mean this is more complex than feeling the need to be free and independent. The red-flag is him talking about wanting to get married and have a family. So why not with you? Your thoughts? Questions?

• trickina 2013-01-07 00:01:27 said:

  Yeah I'm dealing with the same thing. I'm 26 and the guy i have been dating is 32. He just told me a few days ago that he hasn't completely gotten over his break up which was over 2 years ago. When I first met him I had just ended a 2 year relationship so I was not ready for any kind of dating. I was letting my "friends" get into my head about him so after a month of talking I called it off. But over a course of 3 months we stayed in contact. Then he said he wished we had never stopped talking and wanted to give things another shot so I agreed. The last 3 months have been amazing. He's that man that every father would want to see his little girl with. So now with him saying he's not fully over his break up but still wants to date, I'm deciding on what to do. I totally understand where he's coming from because he said there are families and children involved (they don't have kids together but his ex has kids of his own.) I just went through all of this with my break up because my ex and I have a child together. I really would love to help him through this but knowing from experience things like this take time. He also said he wants to get married and have a family, and it's not fair to me that after me taking so long to come around he's not able to give all of himself to me. Everything sounded good but should I continue to date and let him figure things out along the way. or stop everything to give him his space so he can fully figure out what or who it is he wants?

• jasmine robles 2012-12-04 17:21:46 said:

  Thx and will do :)

• One of the Guys 2012-12-03 17:04:00 said:

  @Jasmine......He's got to get over her by himself. Once that happens, then he'll have more to give you. Definitely keep us posted and come back anytime. Thanks for sharing our site. We do appreciate it.

• jasmine robles 2012-12-03 16:14:38 said:

  Thx,yea makes sense and i dont wanna get hurt but i really do like him :-/ i would just like to help him get over her nd him be more into me and ive already shared this site on instagram and facebook :D

• One of the Guys 2012-12-03 14:50:15 said:

  @Jasmine.......Right now you need to sit tight and keep your connection with him light and fun. Otherwise you're going to get hurt, especially if you start dating or having sex. If he's still conversing with her, and emotionally connected to her, he's far from ready. It sounds like he'd really like to get back together with her. So although he's giving you a lot of attention—it probably makes him feel really good, and helps him not think about her; and we're sure he probably is attracted to you—we don't get the sense he'd be much of a boyfriend. What do you think? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

• jasmine robles 2012-12-03 13:23:57 said:

  Similar situation Hi guys Theres this guy ive had a crush on for a while we work in the same job, I finally made the approach and started conversing with him at first it was basic tlk about the job and gradually moved onto us,I asked if he was single he said yes he's ben singe for two months after being in a 4 year relationship,long story short we been tlk for about a month and a half almost everyday via txt n ofcourse whenever we're at work!!! we got to know eachothers likes and dislikes we make eachother laugh ill give him advice nd its just over all kool,but its clear as day we like eachother but he admitted he's still stuck on the ex in fact they still talk go out shopping,when he's sick she will bring him medice nd she writes on his status "anytime babe or this was a fun day babe" but according to him they can't be toghther cuz their to toxic, when me nd him are at work he throws kisses to me whistles to me nd hugs me really tight he tells me in a txt he wants to kiss me nd how gorgeous nd sexy iam... what do I do plzzzzzzz help me

• jasmine robles 2012-12-03 13:21:03 said:

  Hi guys Theres this guy ive had a crush on for a while we work in the same job, I finally made the approach and started conversing with him at first it was basic tlk about the job and gradually moved onto us,I asked if he was single he said yes he's ben singe for two months after being in a 4 year relationship,long story short we been tlk for about a month and a half almost everyday via txt n ofcourse whenever we're at work!!! we got to know eachothers likes and dislikes we make eachother laugh ill give him advice nd its just over all kool,but its clear as day we like eachother but he admitted he's still stuck on the ex in fact they still talk go out shopping,when he's sick she will bring him medice nd she writes on his status "anytime babe or this was a fun day babe" but according to him they can't be toghther cuz their to toxic, when me nd him are at work he throws kisses to me whistles to me nd hugs me really tight he tells me in a txt he wants to kiss me nd how gorgeous nd sexy iam... what do I do plzzzzzzz help me

• One of the Guys 2012-11-23 07:02:52 said:

  @Anika.......You're welcome. Good luck and let us know what you decide to do. And how it goes. Thanks for letting your friends know. The site is growing fast. Thank you!

• Anika 2012-11-22 19:06:01 said:

  You guys give great insights. I'll definitely tell my friends about you. :) hope your site gets more popular, more power, guys.

• Anika 2012-11-22 19:03:58 said:

  I couldn't even have a heart to heart with him without him being defensive. Anyway, thank you for all your answers, they really helped me. I think i'm gonna have to end this relationship soon, even though it really hurts, i tried really hard to salvage it but he wouldn't cooperate.. Maybe he still needs to settle some of his feelings and decide if he's really moved on or not, i don't wanna be in some rebound relationship or to be some girl who reminds him of an ex he couldn't get over with..

• One of the Guys 2012-11-22 16:57:25 said:

  @Anika......Only you can answer that. But we will say that once a relationship becomes more work than fun it's time to reevaluate why you're in it in the first place. Sure, relationships require hard work but it should all seem worth it. But that's different than finding yourself in a destructive pattern. That's where you seem to be with this guy. If you really want to try and salvage this you need to sit him down and have a heart-to-heart about all that you're feeling. If not, then you need to sit him down and tell him why you're moving on. See what he says. So what do you think? Do you have a plan? We're sorry this is so hard. Take care. And keep us posted on what you decide. Or ask another question anytime.

• Anika 2012-11-22 10:06:34 said:

  I just talked to him earlier, exactly did these things. I wasn't even arguing or accusing or anything of the sort, we were just talking about stuff then i casually asked 'how's trixie doing btw?' since i know they met up at a marathon a few days ago, and he just suddenly stiffened and went on automatic defensive mode, giving me clipped answers. It was really suspicious, somewhat confusing and i couldn't help asking what's the matter and he just really suddenly started accusing me of lack of trust and insecurity, how i never believed him. I was enraged at how he quickly turned it around on me when i wasn't even accusing or making any assumptions.. It turned into another argument.. I just really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like maybe i should just give up this relationship..

• One of the Guys 2012-11-22 08:21:45 said:

  @Anika.....Drop it for now, but don't let it drop for good. He's not telling you what's really going on. So how can you have an honest and open relationship if he won't open up to you? Yes, guys have a harder time with this, but you need to stress why this is important. It's about how you communicate now, and in the future. (If there is one.) If this is how he deals with issues—to shut you out—then you're in for a frustrating ride. Bring it up again in a bit. Try not to put him on the defensive. Focus on the communication aspect, and then let the conversation naturally migrate to the topic of his exes. Let us know if we you need help framing that conversation. Take care and good luck. Definitely keep us in the loop.

• Anika 2012-11-21 23:06:23 said:

  Well this has been happening more often lately since we met up with his exes.. I talked to him about it, well i tried i guess, and he quickly said it was just some minor 'hurt' but he really was over the past and it was 'nothing' and he loves me and he doesn't wanna talk about it anymore. I personally don't think it was nothing.. I'm honestly not sure about what to do next.

• One of the Guys 2012-11-21 20:00:31 said:

  @Anika......A pattern of behavior. Does this behavior repeat over and over? Sounds like it does. What behavior? Basic inconsideration of your feelings, and obsession with his past. The girls are not the problem it's him. He should be more sensitive to your feelings. And we agree: If he was totally into you, he wouldn't care about what his exes were doing? (Except for basic curiosity that everyone feels.) So what's your plan? What does he say when you talk to him about this issue?

• Anika 2012-11-21 19:54:10 said:

  What do you mean by pattern? Well we used to have an awesome relationship, until the exes came back into the picture. I mean, it's one thing to keep in touch, i just don't understand why he couldn't let go of them.. He has me now, but when he found out that Trixie got a new boyfriend a few months ago, that was something he admitted that he was really hurt about. But i tried to understand that, she was his first love after all.. but then it was exactly the same thing with Ashley. He was obviously upset when she told him about a boyfriend from LA. I mean it was almost like he didn't put in some effort to hide it from me. If he was really finally over these girls, already moved on, then why mope around because of the simple fact that they just simply moved on as well?

• One of the Guys 2012-11-21 15:35:45 said:

  @Anika......You know your boyfriend better than we do. Has he given you cause to doubt his feelings toward you? That comment you mention seems somewhat harmless. But if this is a pattern then that's different. Is it? Do you feel that his communication with his exes is inappropriate in general? Is other stuff going on to make you not trust him? Fill us in. If the answer to all of these questions is NO, then the issue lies with your own insecurity. Guys might have a "type" but usually all that means is women they are attracted to. Do you feel he might not be attracted to you enough? We're just getting this sense that you're doubting yourself, and we hate to see you do that. Give us a little more info and we'll share some more opinions. And please think about what we're saying. It might help you sort this out. Ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. Take care and have a nice Thanksgiving. ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

• Anika 2012-11-21 11:16:59 said:

  I'm posting this here so you'll see, guys. I think my problem is pretty much about exes too. My boyfriend (Rob) has been with me for a year now. He's had 2 gfs before me, the first girl (Trixie) and the second (Ashley). Now at one point before, i asked him before if he's finally moved on from both girls, especially Trixie. She was his most special first love i guess, it really took him a long time to get over her. He told me a quick and clear 'yes i am.' so i believed him. He's still friends with both girls, and still talks to them every now and then. I would just like to clarify that Trixie is american and Ashley is half asian. So i was flipping through facebook and i saw my boyfriend comment on one of Ashley's pics saying "wow Ash, you look like an asian version of Trixie here in this photo." i didn't like that. I just felt a little crestfallen, because it feels like maybe he isn't over Trixie yet, and i can't help thinking that maybe he dated Ashley before because she reminds him of Trixie. And now i just couldn't help but wonder if maybe he only got with me because i somehow remind him of Trixie too? Because we, Trixie and i, like the same band, the same color and we even have the same shades of eyes, same musical tastes.. Maybe i'm just feeling paranoid but still i couldn't help noticing it.. Is there a chance that my boyfriend is still obsessed with his ex, so much that he tries to get with girls who reminds him of her, just to satisfy his own happiness? Because it hurts, thinking he might be just loving me for who i'm not... Please help me, guys. :(

• One of the Guys 2012-11-15 10:18:55 said:

  @Alisha......What he wants is to do what he pleases. He's a player, and he's playin' both of you. In fact he's cheating on both of you with the other person. (And there may be others you don't know about it.) We know you're pregnant—congratulations by the way—and that makes this that much harder, but ask yourself: Do you want this guy in your life? Do you think you can truly trust this guy? Is he going to be the kind of father you want for your child? What makes you think he'll all of a sudden change and be a committed partner to you? Those are important questions to ask yourself. Where are the two of you in school? And where is this other girl? How old is she? (If she's in high school then he's been with her since she was 14 or 15, right? That seems a bit shaky as well.) Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. ps. Do us a favor? Please share our site with all of your friends. Facebook. Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Thanks. We appreciate it.

• Alisha 2012-11-15 09:59:10 said:

  I have been talkin this guy for almost 8 months now n I recently just found out that he has been with someone for 3 years an they still see each other an plus I'm pregnant with his baby she is still in high school n me n him are seniors in college. He says he wants to be with me he wants me to meet his mom an wanna go places but we don't do it. He just told his mom that I was pregnant an she wants to talk but I done spoke to her twice already but not been introduced an when he is not talkin to me he is talkin to the other girl an when I find out about it I confront him an tells me lies all over again an I take him back. I am so confused I don't know if he wants to be with me or her could you please give me some advice

• One of the Guys 2012-11-12 22:54:56 said:

  @Kay.......He may have some great qualities, but everyone has a mix of both good and not so good. In this case, his "other" qualities are coloring everything else. He's keeping you in a holding pattern, or you're keeping yourself in one. The distance must help a little. Yes, we'd suggest trying harder, otherwise you're not going to be able to move forward in your life. You can do it.

• kay 2012-11-12 22:45:28 said:

  He lives in Texas during the school year I live back in Oklahoma. It is hard to explain what I see in him he has all the qualities I look for Smart,funny, has that fun inner child etc. I have tried that but it fails. Thank you I guess I need to just try harder.

• One of the Guys 2012-11-12 21:28:26 said:

  @Kay......We are so sorry for all that you're going through. What we don't understand is what you see in this guy? First of all he's choosing his ex over you, even though he demanded that you get an abortion. And what kind of guy demands that, but then doesn't accompany the woman to the clinic? We don't want to make this harder on you, but since you wrote to us we wouldn't feel right if we didn't suggest that you move on from this guy and try to distance yourself as much as possible. Ask yourself: Is he really the kind of guy you can build a life with? Once again, we're sorry. We wish we could give you more positive advice. Take care of yourself.

• kay 2012-11-12 20:06:23 said:

  Yes I went through with the abortion he asked me to get. I wanted to give it up for adoption because I already know how I handle getting an abortion. But I got one because he told me we can't be friends because If his ex found out about him having a kid with one of his best friends that they wouldn't get back together. Currently they are not back together. And Him and I are still talking about a future relationship but they are still talking to. He refuses to tell her about me or the child and has denied it because the girl who went with me to get the abortion told his ex because apparently they know each other.

• One of the Guys 2012-11-12 19:43:49 said:

  @Kay.......Okay, we're confused. Are you currently pregnant with this guy's child? Or did you go through with the abortion? Is he pushing you to do that? And why? To be with his ex? Is he currently dating his ex again? (Please fill us in. It will help us to respond to you.)

• kay 2012-11-12 19:11:47 said:

  I am in my 20's and I met a guy over the summer who I fell hard for also in his 20's. And he said he fell for me too. He goes to school in Texas and said the reason he couldn't date me is because of the distance and he doesn't date in school. He would text me everyday calling me gorgeous and saying little things that let me know he was thinking about me. We had sex a few times and we were still having the same type of conversations when he left for school. and after about a month it just stopped. and he told me he had to suppress his feelings and thoughts about me because it was making school hard to concentrate on. then he says things like we just have to rebuild what we had. and around october first he told me that his ex who got an abortion behind his back and they had dated several times before and she kept cheating on him and hurting him wanted to talk about getting back together (and she is in a relationship with someone already). I had just found out I was pregnant with his kid about two weeks before and I was 13 weeks at this point. I hadn't found a way to tell him it was his. And I got mad and just told him which sparked a huge argument. and he asked me to get an abortion so he and his ex could have a chance. (Now i had an abortion once before I was in an abusive relationship with a guy I knew from high school. and He threatened to kill me if i didnt get rid of the child so I did and I ended up trying to commit suicide only a month later because of the guilt and depression i got from the abortion) And this guy knew about that entire ordeal and the reason him and his ex broke up the last time was because she had an abortion behind his back. and he wanted me to get one so they could have a chance.Now we talk everyday still and he tells me you still have a chance its not completely gone. he told me I love her but I really like you too after I told him that if he is single there is nothing wrong with talking to different people romantically at the same time. And he's started talking to me like he used to minus the compliments. He keeps saying he is afraid of losing me. and saying things like we are meant to be in each others lives and the feelings are still there they have just softened. Am I a total fool for thinking I actually have a chance? I keep wanting to compare myself to her because I don't understand why he keeps going back to someone who continually hurts him. I want him to be happy no matter what the outcome is. But I don't want to sit and get led on or played. I have never felt like I do about a guy and I honestly feel he could be the guy I marry. Any tips on how to get him to talk about everything and just open up?

• One of the Guys 2012-10-24 06:45:43 said:

  @Kimberly......Betrayal is very difficult. We're sorry. However, you can work through this if that's what you really want to do. Do you? If you went to couple's counseling, or started really hashing things out with him, do you think you could learn to trust him again? That's always the question. Trust. If that's not there the relationship is sunk. However, either way, you can't just keep this inside you. You have to start talking to him and letting him know how upset you are, and how his behavior and lies are making you feel. He needs to know that. We also think you should tell him that if he really wants to see if there is still something between he and his ex that you give him your blessing to do so. Now don't get upset with us. We say that because if he doesn't get some sort of resolution with her you're never going to feel comfortable with this relationship. You're always going to wonder. (Which kind of answers the questions above.) And if he goes back and decides he wants to be with her, then you won't waste years on this relationship. Honestly Kimberly, he sounds like he really cares for you a lot, but he's confused and still has one foot in the past. He needs to figure out for himself why he does. Is it habit? Is it just a fantasy, and things weren't as good as he remembers? Or is he still in love with her? We don't have a problem with that. Relationships are messy and confusing, especially the transition from one to the next. What we have a problem with is the deceit and lies. That is not okay. What do you think?

• Kimberly 2012-10-23 16:01:44 said:

  I have a similar question, different circumstances. I'm 23 & my boyfriend is 38. We met as neighbors when I was living in another state. We spent 2 weeks together & knew something more was happening, although neither of us was looking for it to. After those 2 weeks I moved back home, on the far opposite of another state. We talked 4-6 hours daily & realized we were acting monogamously with respect to each other. After about a month, he got a job offer up here. He took it & claims he never would have if it weren't for me. He was staying in a hotel for a couple months, then had to go back south for a week or so. After he returned, he told me he loves me. Soon after I busted him texting his ex. He claimed she texted him but he usually didn't reply & that it was just mind games to mess with each other. She is the one who made choices to ruin their relationship & it hurt him for the first time in his life he had fully opened up to someone & got crushed. I argued there is no reason they should be in contact unless they thought in some way, something could happen one day. He disagreed & said he has no interest in moving backwards. He said he blocked her number & I've asked here & there since that night if he's heard from her. He always says no. Also said she used to email him in the past but that stopped a long time ago. Said she's been blocked on Facebook for a long time. That was about 2 months ago. I have an abusive past that has taught me to trust my instincts no matter what. A month ago he rented a house up here ' we live together now. He keeps his email logged in & I made the choice to check out some semi recent conversations instead of logging out immediately. His last conversation with her that I could tell was Sept 10 where she was saying things like "Don't tell me you don't still love me.." etc & something about there ever being a possibility they could get back together. He ended it with "you let me know if you ever think that could happen " since we first met, including after he moved here, he's been talking nostalgically, flirtatiously with her. Sending each other pictures, including one that I had taken of him. She accused him of sleeping with someone else, he denied it. She accused him of having a gf &he said no, that he's just really busy with work & has given her details about the next 2 out of town jobs he should be doing. She supposedly lives on the north opposite end of the country, if that's not also a lie. He even told her he loves her around the time we first got together. He knew immediately something was wrong with me after I discovered this. I can't eat & I'm anxiety ridden. I can't afford to live on my own & if my father did let me move back home, I simply don't have time right now. My bf says he knows what I did & he's not angry but he is getting mad that I won't say what, exactly is bothering me. I refuse to talk about it. I'm not interested in hearing more lies or fabricated explanations. Yesterday, it seems he was looking at her Facebook photos, which means she is not blocked like he said she was. He's since told me he loves me, he got this house for us & if he didn't want to be with me, he never would have but I can't help but feel used, like I'm a pitstop while he gains momentum on his track to reunite with her. He keeps telling me he has walls up & he knows it's not fair, but in time should get better. He's been trying to be loving, but I keep getting sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do. I don't want to deal with this. Maybe time will tell, or maybe, as I suspect, he'll never fully open up to me. Some advice IR thoughts would be appreciated.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-23 09:56:51 said:

  @greenpeace......We are truly sorry. Think of this is just another step or building block in the journey—life and relationships. Try to learn, and then move on. We know it's hard so hang in there. And keep in touch and let us know how things are. All the best. And thanks for letting your friends know.

• greenpeace 2012-09-23 09:05:41 said:

  I guess they say the truth hurts. I suppose i just needed it confirming. Its been 7 weeks no contact & some days im o.k, & some its really hård. I Do feel like calling to say hi...how are you...but i wonder if it would be interpreted in the wrong Way??? Ive learnt from this experience & would never go back. Thx 4 your advice i Will tell others about yr advice site.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-22 18:10:04 said:

  @greenpeace....Of course he had feelings for you. But he was having his cake and eating it too. And when push came to shove, he chose to stay in his marriage, which is often the case with affairs. The "other" woman never understands why the guy doesn't leave. But he rarely does. And when a person leaves a marriage for another person it usually ends soon after anyway. He shouldn't have involved you, and you probably shouldn't have gotten involved. We're sorry. We know this is hard. But you asked about other possibilities. We're talking about men, other men, other relationship, new beginnings.

• greenpeace 2012-09-22 17:42:16 said:

  I dont know Wat you mean other possibilities??? Im cofused as to how i think or feel right now. Im hurt. Angry åt myself, åt him & his wife. I forgot to say that other reasons they argued regularly is because she would always refuse him sex, because she thought he was cheating ( so he says). & when they moved home, he wasnt in employment, so the mortgage is soley in het name. Why would he stay with för 5 years someone whom sounds like such a controlling women. I suppose im tryin to believe he felt something för Me, & after a year together would still think of Me, like i think of him. I told him, i would only want him to be with me because he wanted to. Not just because i want him to.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-22 15:03:44 said:

  @greenpeace........ Let's say he was having difficulty in his marriage, and he actually thought it was over. That would account for him starting a relationship with you. Not the best timing to start a relationship, which was a red flag here. Maybe he was having issues with his wife, but you've got to understand that most people would prefer to stay married. That's not to say that the institution of marriage is perfect, just that it's certainly easier to stay married than it is to get divorced, especially if there's something worth salvaging. Clearly he didn't tell you the whole story, and he undersold their connection. So you certainly have every right to be angry with him. He lied to you and took advantage of you, and he cheated on his wife. But to not understand why he's still with her just because she's not that physically attractive, is also not the right way to look at it. Obviously he loves her, or at least loved her at some point. They have a long history together. That's not something people throw away without exhausting every possible avenue to reconciliation. We're sorry things turned out this way. This guy may be handsome, but he lacks in a lot of other areas. We think you're better off to move on and try to be open to new possibilities. THoughts? Do you have any follow up questions? Ask away. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. Please share our site on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus or wherever. We appreciate it!!

• greenpeace 2012-09-22 09:36:08 said:

  Hi guys, i got involved with a married guy last year, after being a single parent for several years. I live in another town, about an hours drive. Im 35...yes...so naive..he told me all the stories. They slept in seperate rooms...all things he doesnt like about her..said she was divorcing him. Yes, he shown me the divorce papers... He wants kids..she isn't ready...she's just finished a university degree..he's been unemployed for a while...they argued regularly...he said she doesnt listen to him..both aged 32. 0 I dont think it was about the sex at first as it wasnt on the 1st night. We talked ön the phone. So It was about a month after meeting, we first became intimate. He has bad past memories about the relationship with his mum that he never had. She left him when he was aged 4, due to personal circumstances..he regained contact to live with her aged 14, but their relationship didnt work. He feels she neglected him for her new life & family. He stays in contact with her, but they fell out, due to her disagreeing with his relationship with me. At this time he was telling me he wanted to leave his wife, to start a life with me. So fast forward a year..after him meeting My 2 children & family...spending Xmas day, weeks & family days out together, he dumps me by text & tells me 'its over..its not going to work'...during this time i knew he & his wife were still in communication...but at the beginning he was open about it. Then it became secretive & i would have to ask him about her. I listened, gave him advice & supported him to make a fair & informed choice..as i didnt want him to resent me or blame me if they seperated...there was a point where we got into argument & he told me i was the cause of his marriage breakup. I expressed to him how hurtful & unfair i thought was for him to say that & that his marriage was having difficulties long before he met me. A week later he Apolologised. He went onto explain about the difficulties he & his were having at the time we met. He told me he his wife had stated that her suspicions afterall were confirmed that he was cheating him their marriage. I stayed in contact with him as a friend for 3 months after..as it was really painful to let go...although it was mainly me initiating contact, but he would always respond. I finally gave up on the friendship idea, as i felt i was continuing to support him, but getting nothing in return & its so now ive been ön 7 weeks no contact.. I try to keep busy & made myself look really nice. I recently saw him with her for the 1st time in a nightclub...he didnt know i was there..& i felt too uncomfortable to even say hi. & i tried to make sure i put myself in a position where he would notice me, whether he did or didnt, i do not know, but following this..he made an abrupt swift exit out of the club...without her. This is when i got a view of her & honestly shes not good looking at all..hes quite handsome...so why her??... I guess its over...ive had a few one bells from unknown numbers a few weeks into no contact, but he hasnt contacted me. I guess im just left wondering...i dont get it..him...this?? I fell in love with him..he knows this...& it doesnt appear to be gettin any easier for me with time apart??

• One of the Guys 2012-09-17 08:57:33 said:

  @Deedee.........Online dating sites are hit and miss. And no, they're not the only answer, but they are another way to meet people, especially if you are very busy w/work. But there are other ways. Did we mention them? Taking a class, meetup.com (events and activities.......we recommend this...friends have had success), social clubs that do activities together, book club, saying yes when friends want to go out, adult ed classes, etc. Take care and good luck. Keep in touch and let us know if we can help in the future. And thanks for spreading the word about us.

• Deedee 2012-09-17 00:53:00 said:

  Thanks very useful and will totally tell.my friends. Its great to get the male perspective. As for online dating almost ready to forget it. So many posers on line. Do u recoomend any good sites? Im on pof

• One of the Guys 2012-09-16 14:44:42 said:

  @DeeDee.....If he comes back and you feel you can be friends without it hurting you—emotionally that is—then sure. (Although, please be honest with yourself. Don't be friends with him just hoping to get back with him. And don't sacrifice your own well being just to connect with him.) As far as taking him back, we can't answer that for you. We'd hate to have you settle for someone who doesn't feel for you the way you feel for him. We know it can be more difficult, or possibly more complicated, to date when you're a little older and with kids, but in this day and age with online dating and more single people your age we have to believe there's a great guy out there for you. Keep us posted on what you decide, and please come back and ask as many questions as you'd like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. And/or your daughter and friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

• Deedee 2012-09-16 11:49:59 said:

  Thanks and no it doesn't feel great. Can u suggest what i should do if after he tries with his ex should i let him back? He also wants to be friends still should i? Im 44 single mom with adult daughtet i want to settle down but not settle.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-16 07:35:41 said:

  @Deedee..... Here's our best guess. But remember, this is just our opinion. A guy never really knows how he feels until he has sex with a woman. Even if the sex is amazing, he's gauging how he feels afterwards. The mistake many men make is that they think the letdown after their climax has something to do with the woman. But typically, all men feel a letdown afterwards, no matter what. Some men understand this and some men take this as a sign that something isn't right. Usually, it has more to do with the overall relationship than they realize. So the most likely scenario is that he wasn't completely sure before you had sex, but then once you did that sealed it for him. We know, it's not a great feeling. And we're sorry. The only solace we can offer is that this kind of thing happens all of the time. Any other questions? ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it!

• Deedee 2012-09-16 07:15:00 said:

  I have dated a man i met online for three months he's ten years older things were going very well. Last weekend we had sexfor the first the first time. We were fine until wednesday he started acting distant and then told me he wants us to break up and try with his ex. Before that he had me bring extra clothes over and my personal stuff. I dont know what went wrong he says i did nothing wrong its him but i dont know.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-14 13:28:44 said:

  @Cayla......Bottom line. When the craziness and hurt star to outweigh the good, it's time to take a hard look and reevaluate. Your mom sounds like a smart lady. And supportive. Hang in there and let us know what you decide, or if we can help in any other way. All the best. And once again, please spread the word about our site. Thanks!

• Cayla 2012-09-14 13:10:25 said:

  Well he talks about getting married in the future, and whatnot, so I would assume he would be willing to try to make it work. I just don't know because there's this nagging feeling I get about the two of them! I had to go to counseling at the beginning of this year for something unrelated to this issue, but he made it clear to me that he thinks counseling is a waste of time. He had to go when he was younger and he said it was just someone asking him "how do you feel about that?" which I think is silly, because that was never my experience the times I sought counseling. I have never talked to him about couples therapy because of the feelings he already expressed about it. I'm not sure if that's what he is doing.. When I talk to my mom about it she says that's what it seems like to her, like he is making all these choices in order to push me away. I don't really know though. You're not confusing me more, I'm already confused. There has been a lot of craziness between me and him the past three years. But theres also been a ton of wonderful times too.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-13 17:20:01 said:

  @Cayla......Yes, you are going in circles. This relationship is at a crossroads. The way it's going now, it's not going to end well. That doesn't mean it can't be saved, but you've both got to want it to be saved. It's clear you do. But does he? Have you proposed any type of counseling, etc.? Is he open to that? Also, do you think he's making things so difficult on purpose to create an impossible situation for you, so you'll just break it off? Just wondering, that's all. Does he want the relationship to be saved? That's in question. It's very complicated that's for sure. Hopefully we haven't confused you more.

• Cayla 2012-09-13 15:34:13 said:

  We don't...We have both done wrong in our relationship. He thinks the things I have done are so much worse though. I don't understand it. He's even gone as far as opening an account on a website created just for cheating on your S/O. No contact, but he looked at a lot of profiles. I agree we both need help, we can't do it on our own. He gets so defensive about everything, and I just get more and more upset. We go in circles because we can't see where the other is coming from. I understand where he is coming from on the fact that he should be able to be friends with whoever, I just don't agree with having the double standard and him hiding it. I don't bully him at all about it, I'm usually very calm when I bring it up, he just gets mad because he wants me to trust him. I just can't with her though, because of how he acts toward their friendship. It kills me that he values how she feels about it, more than how I do. I've given this man everything I possibly can. He has all the power in the relationship. He does whatever he wants while I just wait around for him. I know thats partially my fault for allowing it, I just don't get it. And any time there is an argument he turns it on me somehow and makes me the bad guy. Always making comments about my personality traits that piss him off. It hurts. I am on the same page about being stuck where we are... I dont feel I can move forward with him from here unless something happens with how he treats the situation. It's making me rethink my feelings for him, because I just don't feel like he respects me. :( sorry if I am talking in circles! I'm sure you guys are used to this though, lol.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-13 15:11:43 said:

  @Cayla.......We're really sorry. What's happened is the two of you don't trust one another. This is a bigger issue than just this "Other woman." You're in a rut. You're both drawing a line in the sand. And when relationships get to the point of ultimatums something needs to be done. The two of you need to seek Couples Counseling or the help of a professional to see if you can work through this, because right now you're at a standstill. We do tend to agree with you and your position, but of course, we know there are always two sides to every issue. The question that comes to mind is: Why is this relationship so important to him? That's what you need to find out. Is it something about principal, that he feels like you bully him, or something like that, and this is his way of flexing his power, or getting some power back in this relationship? Is it specifically about THIS GIRL, and the fact that he still has a thing for her? Or is he not telling you something else? That he no longer is invested in the relationship the way you are but he's afraid to say it? You see, all of these origins are very different; it's up to you to figure out what is what. Thoughts?

• Cayla 2012-09-13 15:03:37 said:

  Also, he never posts me or anything on his social networks, but still has pictures of the two of them together. In three years he has never posted a single picture of the two of us, and any time I have posted anything loving on his wall, he doesn't reply. I feel like it makes me look stupid..

• Cayla 2012-09-13 15:00:31 said:

  I've asked him to stop, and he tells me he wont and that he is going to stay friends with her no matter what.. I don't get it though. He says they didn't spend that much time together, yet she is so valuable to him. It hurts, a lot. I asked what he would do if faced with the ultimatum, and he said he would leave me because he doesn't want to be told who he can be friends with. Which isn't so much my issue that they're friends, its him hiding it from me. & having double standards about what I do. But he says shes his friend because she's a good person. But he has watched how much he hurts me with this, and still doesn't do anything about it. The same day we argued about it he spent the day texting her instead of me. Im really hurt :( We live together, and have two dogs together.. He says he only loves me and there isnt competition, but what guy would admit there was? Hes getting everything he wants from me.. I had to quit talking to people I never had a romantic relationship with just because it hurt him, yet he can involve himself with his ex, and tell me it's "different".

• One of the Guys 2012-09-13 14:50:42 said:

  @Cayla...We understand your frustration. And we're sorry. First of all, how hot she is doesn't matter. It's that he's ignoring how much this bothers you, and keeps making excuses about staying in touch with her, that matters. We're all for people being friends with people of the opposite sex. More guys should have women friends. But when the friendship starts impacting the primary relationship—and the person he purports to love—that's when the friendship needs to be reevaluated. It's clear he still has feelings for her. That's not atypical. Lots of people have feelings for their ex. There's a reason they went out with them in the first place. And a lot of guys would still love to have sex with their ex even if they would never want to try a relationship with them again. Fantasizing about sex with an ex is normal, keeping the possibility open by "flirty/friendly texts, or whatever" is quite another. You need to have a heart-to-heart with him about this. If he really values your relationship he should cease and desist his communication with her. And he can't continue to use the excuse that "they're just friends." Sometimes people have to make choices in their lives. This is one of those times. (And if he wasn't being so sneaky about it, you probably would have no problem with the friendship.) Does this help you get started? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

• Cayla 2012-09-13 14:05:03 said:

  This is going to be really long, please bear with me. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years this month. Before we started dating, he had a girlfriend for about three months which ended right before we met. I literally mean like a week. Anyways, she is really really pretty, not to say I'm not, but she's just one of those girls. Since we have been together, he's always been a little bit secretive of her. I recall one conversation where I was upset over something regarding her, and he asked me, "what? Are you wondering why I would leave her for YOU?" that's stuck with me a long time. There were also times he would be on the phone with me, and texting her! They'd text super long texts back and forth to one another, and he would barely be talking to me. Then, when he and his family went to Disneyland, (she lives in LA), he told his cousin he was going to go see her and not tell me about it. Although he didn't end up going to see her (as far as I know) it still bothers me that he would even say that and be dishonest about her. Two winters back, she came to town for Christmas break. He and I made a plan that I would go to her house with him so that I could meet her and put my feelings at ease. Well, the day before we were supposed to go see her, he started acting weird. He didn't reply to any of my text messages for a few hours, and when he did reply he told me he was at her house. I called him upset, and he was acting really distant. He told me he didn't want HER or her family to feel weird meeting me. Now, why their feelings about the situation matter more than my own, I'll never understand. there have been multiple times he has been texting her, and would erase parts of the conversation so I couldn't see. Last year, I made a mistake of going to hang out with one of my guy friends without mentioning it to him. He got really mad because the guy used to like me, and I knew. However, I knew he had a new girlfriend so I thought nothing of it. He texted me a few days later saying he missed me and was having a hard time not kissing me. I didn't know the visit was like that for him, so I just didnt respond. Well, my boyfriend went through my phone and saw that, and got EXTREMELY angry at me for it. He told me it makes no sense since me and him didn't hang out that much except for at my other friends house, yet he says him and his ex only hung out a handful of times. I get very upset over her, because he makes her seem so important. Let's fast forward to this weekend. Friday night, we went out to dinner with my family. He was messing with his phone so I glanced over to see what he was up to. I saw her name under his text messages and mentioned it to him, but left it alone because it would be rude to have that conversation at dinner. Later that night we went to ice cream and while we were there she texted him again. When we were leaving, I had his phone and his friend texted him. When I opened his text messages, I cllicked on the one he had with her. (I know it's bad to snoop, but we both do it). He had erased his entire conversation with her, so I wouldn't read it. He told me he did this so when he opened his phone I wouldn't be seeing her name and getting upset. I don't think that's the truth though. I asked how their conversation started, and at first he said he texted her to say hi and see how she's doing. Then he told me that he was going through baseball pictures and found a picture of them together, took a picture of it and then sent it to her. I went through the pictures with him the night before, but he waited until I was at work to take the picture and send it, then delete it out of his phone. To me it seems he was trying to reminisce with her on old times.. Then we were sending out invitations on facebook for his birthday party, and he didn't invite her, but the next day while I was working he went back and invited her so that I wouldn't see it. THEN, yesterday I was being nosy, and while he was showering I went back to their conversation. He had texted her first thing when he got to work, when he didn't text me. & she didn't reply, so six hours later around 3:45 he sent her another, trying to keep the conversation going. He didn't do any of this though until I wasn't around, so to me it just seems so sneaky. I didn't even hear from him again until 5PM, after he had come home. I asked him how he would feel if I was doing these things with my ex (we don't talk at all) and he said he would be mad, but it's different because him and I ended badly while he and her ended on a good note. I don't understand the double standard! I've been so upset over this. I feel like I'm in constant competition with her, and it isn't fair. He tells me she's just a friend, but I feel like he has feelings for her still. Last summer my room mate (who really isn't super reliable since we didn't get along) told me she would come over to our house while I was working.. Even knew the make/model and color of her car. When I asked my boyfriend he said she never came over, that he is lying, and gets mad that I would even believe him. I am driving myself crazy with this. I don't know what to do anymore. I need advice?!

• Cayla 2012-09-13 14:04:19 said:

  I've been so upset over this. I feel like I'm in constant competition with her, and it isn't fair. He tells me she's just a friend, but I feel like he has feelings for her still. Last summer my room mate (who really isn't super reliable since we didn't get along) told me she would come over to our house while I was working.. Even knew the make/model and color of her car. When I asked my boyfriend he said she never came over, that he is lying, and gets mad that I would even believe him. I am driving myself crazy with this. I don't know what to do anymore. I need advice?!

• One of the Guys 2012-09-10 11:06:10 said:

  @Coco.....Look, this has to be your decision. We're just trying to help you see. Of course you feel badly for your ex, but it's holding you back. Really it is. In all aspects of your life. But don't feel badly, it happens all of the time, really it does. Don't move because of this other guy, move because it's the right thing for you to do. Take care. We know things will work out for you. And your ex will figure it out. You can't take care of him forever.

• Coco 2012-09-10 11:00:51 said:

  ugh, your so right, I just feel bad for my ex as well. though I don't wana be with him anymore. Cause really im not even giving the other guy a chance if i still live with my ex am i. I'll do something about it, even if it ends up to late, it makes sense to move. Thanks guys

• One of the Guys 2012-09-10 09:21:41 said:

  @Coco....First of all, don't kid yourself about living with your ex. There's not a guy we know that would want to enter into a situation like that. It doesn't matter that you say nothing is going on. Guys don't need the constant reminder that something USED to go on. This is another new development in your situation. That could also be the reason he's not pursuing you. (Not necessarily, but just sayin') Coco, to truly move forward you need to figure out your living situation. Seriously. Maybe you're doing it for monetary reasons but it's holding you back. Not just with guys, but it's holding you in the past, even if you don't feel that it is. (we've seen it many times before) To your question: We'd say if nothing has happened by the end of the year then it's time to forget this whole thing and move on.

• Coco 2012-09-09 15:21:15 said:

  hmm how long a time frame is acceptable? because I live with my ex and I think the other guy houdini has a hang up about that, but i passed on that there is nothing between me and my ex anymore. I feel houdini is projecting. I wanna encourage him to feel safe with me and trust me, last night i passed on the message that i would move out out of respect for a new guy. Is it average for a guy to get his friend to be a go between on the sly to find out what im thinking btw?

• One of the Guys 2012-09-09 11:44:20 said:

  @Coco.......Well that would certainly explain his actions better. (The ex we mean) This sounds positive. As long as your okay with things moving very slowly, then we don't see why you wouldn't explore this further. Good luck. Definitely keep us posted. One last thought: You might want to put a time frame on this though. How long are you willing to wait? Because even though there's an ex in the picture, a guy who is really into another girl will try to go out with the other girl as soon as he can. You wouldn't want to be waiting around a year and then have him decide he's not into you after all, or that he really wants to go back with his ex.

• Coco 2012-09-09 02:57:11 said:

  Hi do you remember me? The girl who likes her boss? Complicated sitch? You asked me to get back to you? So new development. I think that he like me yes, small example he's gone from calling me hot to calling me beautiful. I also not sure but i think he's using our mutual friend as a go between to find out my thoughts! Ok so I think the deal is though its be over a while he still has feelings for his ex... though it wasn't to much of a relationship, he is still fermillier with her. He likes to feel safe in my opinion, she is the safe option. I am the total risk! We still email each other often and he last emailed to call me beautiful and ask when I was coming back on campus. He also told me what was going on in his life. and vice versa. for sure something is there. I think she is why he's not made that transition. My observation is that he wants to go extremely slow which is fine with me. I want him to be able to feel as safe with me so that he feels ok to let go of her and grab hold of me. What is your take on this development please? Thank you, Kindest regards, Coco <3

• One of the Guys 2012-09-02 15:07:09 said:

  @Krystal......We understand and ultimately this is your decision. (We know you know that.) Men are funny, and we don't necessarily agree with the advice you've read about guys being afraid to contact a woman if they think she's mad at them. We'd say that's false. If a guy is really into a woman he would definitely contact her if he thought she was mad but he KNEW she still cared for him deep down. (And guys often think that for some reason. Even when it's not true.) But if you really feel you need to write the letter then write it. It's always best to go with your gut and do what you need to do. But we're advising you to stop it there. He's already immersed emotionally with his ex. Just let him do what he needs to do. Believe us, he'll know where to find you if that's what he decides. We think you've made it clear you still care for him even if he thinks you're mad at him. Seem like a good plan? You're not a pain at all. Feel free to keep asking or commenting. ps. You know. we are always happy to accept a donation of any size small or large. That is if you think you're being a pain. :) (Yes we just typed a smiley face.) Take care of yourself.

• Krystal 2012-09-02 07:33:01 said:

  Guy, BUT... everything in the letter would be the truth. I just wanted to let him know that I did forgive him about how he broke it off with me. And I really do. I agree that I should leave out the part about the web project. however, I don't feel comfortable talking about his ex and their relationship. I dont want him to know he has a second chance with me but I want him to think there is a possibility and not hesitate to call if and when the time comes. I believe now he thinks I hate him. I just want to let him know that I am no longer angry with him. Background: Last week he went to Africa with a group. While in Africa he wrote me beautiful, romantic and poetic emails. Then the emails stopped. I assumed maybe he was in a hotel where he could no longer receive or send emails. On Monday, he returned to the states and I didn't receive texts, emails or any phone calls. And He didnt return any of my phone calls. I was completely confused. I was really hurt and devastated when I saw he was on Facebook. which let me know he was back and he was fine. On Friday, I went to Philly ( he lives there) to hang out with a friend. While in Philly, I confronted him and told him how I felt about his disappearance. I told him it made me question my own judgement about men and now I don't trust myself. He understood and then admitted to me that his ex was on the group trip to Africa. He admitted to me that him not calling was more about him not wanting to deal with hurting me. Oh... his ex was in the car while we talked for 15min. My true intention is to leave the door open for him. i would like him to feel comfortable with calling me in a few months. But I have read a lot of relationship advice and people usually say if a man thinks you are angry with him he will NOT contact you at all. I just want him to know the door is open for friendship and who knows maybe he will call and I will be madly in love with someone else. So what's the best way to let him know he can call but not give me power away by saying yeah... when you come back I'll be here. so, is it alright to write the first part of the letter just stating that I am ok. ( leaving out the web project). or should I just walk away cold. Thanks so much for all your advice. i hope I am not being too much of a pain in the behind.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-01 22:59:56 said:

  @Krystal....It still seems like you're getting involved. Remember, he walked away from a possibility with you to give his ex a second chance. That says something, either about the way he feels about her, you, or himself. Who knows really? But we stick by our initial advice. Let him initiate contact in general. We're not sure why he wouldn't understand your position considering the circumstances. And why don't you just tell him the truth? Something like; I know you need to find out if this will work with your ex, but I'm not going to stand still while you're doing this. But I care about you, respect you, blah, blah, enough that if the time comes and you realize that it isn't right with your ex and I'm single, I'd be open to seeing how things go. You know, something like that. And then let it go. No web project, or any of that. Your presence is only going to confuse him, and you. He needs to do his thing unencumbered by you, and you need to do the same. Don't ya think?

• Krystal 2012-09-01 15:23:32 said:

  Guys, Very good points! He thinks that I don't want anything to do with him right now. We had a great conversation last night in person. It was short, honest and positive ( I kept it 15min). Also, this was the only communication we have had since the break up. There hasn't been texts and calls back and forth. I kept my distance until I knew what I wanted to say and how.I walked away without giving a hug or a hand shake and I think that gave him the impression to stay away. I was thinking of just shooting a short email that states the following. Dear 31 year old, I walked away from the conversation last night feeling like a steel beam had been lifted off my shoulders. I was able to express my disappointment in how things unfolded. You seemed very receptive, honest and sincere in your response. In turn, forgiveness is easy. Going forward hopefully we can be friends. Most importantly, I wanted you to know that I left the conversation last night feeling completely different and relieved. BTW: School starts up soon. things will get very busy for me. When things wind down, I would still like you guidance on creating the web page I spoke about. Until then... -------------------------------------------------------- So, what do you think? Should I write the email? if so, what should be revised. I'm afraid if I don't send it. He is going to think I hate him and stay away no matter how he feels. I agree that our friendship communication should be once every month or so. The web project I thought would help that initiation without pressure or making me seem desperate. I am very good at playing it cool. Can't wait to hear what you think

• One of the Guys 2012-09-01 13:46:26 said:

  @Krystal.......Interesting idea, but we think it might be flawed. Here's why. Becoming friends with him is fine and all but it's not necessarily going to help you build a deeper foundation, not while he's trying to figure out this other relationship. Your best bet is to keep in touch in a casual way via email, text, possibly coffee if he initiates, but that's it. Don't be the initiator. Your best bet is to let their relationship run its course—if it does—and then be open to him if he comes calling. You see Krystal, since the two you kind of have a past, his ex isn't going to be happy with you being around, and it's just going to confuse things for him. And that means if things don't get well between the two of them, you might get some of the blame which won't help your foundation at all. You don't want him to feel resentful towards you. Does this make sense? What do you think? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

• Krystal 2012-09-01 11:47:11 said:

  Guys, I am 39 years of age and live in NYC. This summer I dated a 31 year old guy who lives in Philly. We had great conversations and a great connection. We never fully had sex but fooled around quite a bit. I was still getting over my ex and wasn't ready to have sex with anyone yet. My 31 year old seemed to understand. Well, This week I found out that he and his ex ( they were together for 2 yrs and broke up in Feb.)have decided to give it another try. I was not surprised. I was aware that he loved her very much but they seemed to have a lot of conflict and she may have even cheated on him or had another man in her life when they were together. He told me they were just not good for each other. Ok... believe it or not, I thought this was a good thing ( them getting back together) why you ask? well, I never thought we could truly move forward because I felt they needed more closure to the relationship. He seemed still very emotionally attached. I felt it was VERY hard to compete with the memory, mourning and yearning for an ex.So, I would like to JUST be a friend to him for now.( while I date other people of course). I feel like him and I can build a good foundation while him and his ex try and most likely fail at attempting to start again. In this scenario, I feel that I am the fantasy of something he could have had and she is the reality of someone he loves but just can't be happy with. So... What do you think? Should I try to JUST be friends with him,so I can build a deeper connection with him so when he and his ex fall apart him and I have a true chance because we have created a history and a more solid connection. Side note: He would have no knowledge that I am hoping for us to get back together. I am actively dating and am very interested in my prospects but I always like to leave my opportunities wide open. And I think this would be a good time for me to JUST be friends with him because I am truly busy dating other men. I wouldn't get caught up with the 31 year old.I am not sooo attached to him that I couldn't be friends. I just think him and I have great potential but it couldn't stand up to the open wound of his past relationship. I hope I was clear.so.what do you think I should do?

• One of the Guys 2012-08-22 05:20:41 said:

  @Rena.....You're welcome. We try our best to do just that. Good luck with everything. And certainly keep in touch and come back anytime to visit or ask a question. Take care.

• Rena 2012-08-22 03:46:11 said:

  Guys, I sort of set him up by having a friend of mine offer to hook up with him and he took the bait, they're 'scheduled' to hook up this weekend. I later asked him what type of relationship he wanted and he said he wants something that we can grow into by chatting and hanging out and that he doesn't like to rush into things. At this point I just think it would be best if I find someone else. Someone who wants the same thing as me. I do, however, want to thank you Guys for the advice and helping me open my eyes a little more. Thank you so much! Rena

• One of the Guys 2012-08-21 18:06:18 said:

  @Rena.....He may be all those things but we still think the two of you want different things and are ultimately on different paths. Good luck and definitely keep us posted.

• Rena 2012-08-21 11:31:14 said:

  Dear Guys, Thank you for the advice. It does actually make a lot of sense. I've thought about so many things, but never that we both want a different type of relationship. So, what do you think I should do, should I talk to him about it and see what he wants, and tell him what I want, or should I forget about him and find someone else? On the site, he has that he's looking for friendship/sex, but when I asked him about it, he said that's how he gets people in. They start talking to him thinking its a hookup but he tries to get more out of it. Before we met he said he didn't care if we hooked up or not. I'm just really confused about him, and I guess, disappointed actually. I would like things to be more because he's a sweet, funny, great guy, but we can't always get what we want! Lol.

• One of the Guys 2012-08-21 07:25:43 said:

  @Rena.......Where and how you met does play into this. You say it was a dating/hookup site right? Which tells us that that is exactly what he's looking for right now. Hooking up and dating. When you speak of a relationship with him you're both thinking different things. He's thinking the kind of relationship that's fun, casual, with sex maybe even some cuddling but then out of sight, partially out of mind. Meaning, we don't see him turning into this ultra-communicative boyfriend who's going to be available to talk a lot, or who even wants to talk a lot. He sounds like the kind of guy that wants to do his own thing when he's not with you, and not have to worry about your feelings. (We're not saying that's bad, but it's certainly not what you want.) But remember Rena where you met him? If you really want a serious relationship there are other sites that might be better suited to that goal. He's not playing you because we think he's been open from the outset. We think you've changed the rules a bit and now want something that he never planned on giving in the first place. Like we said, there are guys out there who want serious relationships but you won't find them on a dating/hookup site. Does this make sense? YOur thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. Take care.

• Rena 2012-08-20 20:19:06 said:

  Hey Guys! I am just wondering if I am being played or if this guy really is into me. But here's the story: We're 9 yrs age difference, he's older. We met on a dating/hookup website. We talked for a while and I began to like him. He said he liked me also and said he would love to take me out to dinner sometime and get to know me better. So we talk a few more days, maybe week and a half total, then he goes MIA and i never hear from him. A month goes by and I'm on the website and see he's online. I don't bother contacting him because I think, "He's the one who disappeared so he can talk to me!" He doesn't until a few day later. Once he does, he says he would still love to take me out to dinner and see where things go with us. I ask about his sudden disapperance and he apologize and said he had to go to training for the army. Which he was currently at, staying in a hotel room. He's been in the army for 10 yrs. We continue to talk and I ask him a couple more times if he's serious about being in a relationship instead of just hooking up. He says the same thing every time, relationship! After about a week or 2 of talking everyday, we make plans for me to join him at the hotel and stay the last week of his training. I become 'ify' about it and then we change the plans to where I will stay a few days. It was a Sunday night when he picked me up and we drove 3 hours back to his hotel. This may sound bad of me, but about 30 minutes away from the hotel, I ended up giving him road head! :p But we get to the hotel and within 15 minutes he's in bed and says he asks me if I'm going to cuddle with him. I join him and he immediately pulls me on top and I ask what's up and he says he just thought we'd pick up where we left off. So I give in. Next day he goes to training and comes home we go out and pick something quick up to eat. After we eat, later that night we both start drinking. He's gets drunker then I do. We smoke outside and begin to talk and joke about messing around tonight. He says I thought we could just cuddle so I agreed. But we didn't, his doing! The next night same thing but my doing! I stayed from Sunday night to Wednesday night with him. Even after we messed around the first night he still said he wanted a relationship with me. Even invited me to come to his house in the future and stay. We had great conversations while drunk, but he's quite when he's sober. Once he was drunk he said I should be talking to someone rich, because he wasn't. I said well, then why are you talking to me because I'm broke, his response was nudging my shoulder and saying because I was cute and sweet. So everything goes good while I'm there, then he brings me home Wednesday night. I talk to him once he gets back to the hotel and again Thursday night. Both good conversation. We talk on the site we met on, I offered to delete mine and he said I shouldn't because its a great way to conversate, though so are others, so why did he suggest we do so on that site? Anyways, we talk that Thursday night, and then I don't hear from him until Saturday night. I know he had plans with his sister for Saturday so I thought he was just busy and then to tired to get online. When he does its a brief conversation, a few messages back and forth, then no response from him. I send another message an hr later saying I'm going to bed. He was still online mobile. The next evening I see that he's still online mobile and has read my last message but hasn't responded. I message him saying 'good evening' and a few hours later, he signs off mobile and logs into a computer and begins talking. The conversation is again just a few messages back and forth and then no response from him. An hr later he's offline without notice and hasn't read the message I've sent. That actually happened today, lol. But he never got back online at all. When I asked him what happened to him Saturday night, he said he was out with some friends and didn't check his messages. He even told me he stayed in all day today, Sunday, having a lazy day, so why did he take so long to reply? I just wonder what his intention are. We have already slept together so if not interested in a relationship then why continue to lead me on? After he brought me home, he still talked about me coming up to his place on weekends and maybe staying longer in the future. I've been played a lot in the past and wonder if all that is clouding my judgment and making me paranoid, but then again you never know! Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and I apologize for this being so long. But I do thank you for taking the time to read this and I'm looking forward to your response! Sincerely Rena P.S. Thanks again!

• One of the Guys 2012-08-18 13:51:47 said:

  @Brokenheart........Having second thoughts is a natural and normal part of breaking up. Sometimes they lead to reconciliation, but usually they're overrided by the initial reason for the breakup. If he starts initiating contact and asks to see you then you'll know he wants to try again. But friendly texting back and forth is really only that. Wish we could be more definitive here. It's a wait and see situation. Take care.

• Brokenheart49 2012-08-18 07:28:06 said:

  Just a brief update...After very careful thinking about this & considering everyone's advice, I decided I wanted to go with my heart last night & send him a brief happy birthday text for his birthday. I had thought about it all day & evening, but by 9p last night, my heart told me to do it. A few months back I had bought him tickets to a baseball game that both of us were going to go to last night for his birthday; I ended up giving the tickets to my sons when he told me we were broken up 7 weeks ago after things had been builing up between us & led to a bitter argument. So anyway, he replied to my text last night,& then we began texting back & forth for a while about our kids & how they were doing. The conversation centered around our kids, our jobs, & both of us doing ok. Nothing else was mentioned...He sounded friendly, & also sounded like he was alone at his apt....most likely watching the game on TV cause I know he likes the team, hence the reason I got those tickets. I was also alone at my own house. I had read several articles about no contact, & also read some articles that centered around very limited contact, but one particular article stood out in my mind & said that if you want to keep things civil & on somewhat friendly terms, 'someone' needs to do the heavy lifting & break the ice a little. I've been dealing with so much anger over all this & the way we went from being so close & seeming so right for one another. I don't think I did anything wrong by going with what my heart said to do last night, & I'm glad he acknowledged. A few of his texts were lengthy ones. Do you think after 7 weeks of being apart he may be having second thoughts?

• One of the Guys 2012-08-15 09:32:53 said:

  @Ellie.....Wow, we're really sorry. That's tough. The only positive is you now have closure, and like you said, you weren't just being crazy. This should tell you to trust your gut in the future. Take care and please be in touch. We'd love to hear some good news sometime. And certainly if you have more questions/concerns in the future ask away.

• Ellie 2012-08-15 01:23:35 said:

  I posted a couple of weeks ago and just thought I'd give a brief update. Apparently, my fears of ex were had some merit, as I found out that on his recent weekend "guy's" trip, he was in fact with his ex in the mountains and not the guys... Needless to say, it's over, but at least I have confirmation that I wasn't just being crazy for feeling some jealousy towards ow he was with his ex!

• Sarah 2012-08-04 05:03:59 said:

  Thanks guys. Appreciate the honesty. I can't help but hope we're all wrong and he comes sweeping back into the picture with a damn good story, but I doubt it. Ah well, deep breath and next it is.

• One of the Guys 2012-08-04 04:55:12 said:

  @Sarah.....Relationship issues are always confusing. It's hard to figure out what's going on in someone else's head. And half the time people are too cowardly to tell you the truth. But we think your intuition might be right. He wanted a physical relationship with you, and after a while he decided it wasn't going to happen. His ex was an easy excuse. Although, this isn't to say that he was completely lying to you. He probably is still working out issues with his ex, which is why he was probably looking for more of a sexual relationship rather than a girlfriend. Which brings us to our last point. This may be for the best because what he is looking for and what you are looking for don't jive. And if you did give in and have sex with him, this same scenario might have come up a month from now or two months from now, and instead of just being confused, you'd be angry, resentful and really hurt. So what we're saying is, you didn't do anything wrong, and you shouldn't change who you are, or what you believe in to be with a guy, now or in the future. Hope this helps a little. Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you'd like. Take care and keep us posted.

• One of the Guys 2012-08-04 04:44:35 said:

  @Brokenheart49......Honestly, one email is probably enough. If you send him a second one and he doesn't respond, then what? You're going to be wondering about a third email, and you're still going to feel just as sad. We'd say keep doing what you're doing. Go out, hang with friends, family. If he's going to contact you he will. He knows how you feel, but he's going to do what he wants to do. Don't contact him for his birthday. We think you need space too. It's time to really accept this and try hard to move on. We're really very sorry. It's hard. Take care. Contact us anytime.

• Sarah 2012-08-04 04:36:21 said:

  Hey guys, didn't realize you'd responded. Yeah, we live in the same city/country, he's just from overseas and came here cause of his job (got transferred). Glad to know you guys find it confusing too! Thought it was just me...

• Brokenheart49 2012-08-03 23:13:23 said:

  It's one month today that I last heard from him. I sent him an email last week, in which I agreed that what had transpired between us was for the best, as having mixed emotions & feeling love for another would only impede anything we were working towards in a healthy relationship. He did not reply. I did not ask for a reply, nor did I ask to see him. I thanked him for the thoughtful things he had done for me when we were together. I ended my note by saying that I hope that we can remain civil & friendly towards one another, & told him to please give my best to his family, who did like me. I don't plan on contacting him again, however his birthday is in a few weeks & he knows that I had bought him tickets about 2 months ago to a sporting event to a team that he truly enjoys. Do you recommend that I not contact him a second time? I don't know what he is doing or if he is with her or anyone else. This still has me feeling so sad because after all our deep conversations & nice times together, I feel he just shut the door hard in my face & doesn't care at all how I've been feeling or doing. I never ever would have thought he'd be that kind of person. I've been spending time with friends & getting out here & there, but the pain is still very fresh & it's been a month. Thoughts?

• One of the Guys 2012-08-03 04:43:24 said:

  @Louise......We like your positive attitude. Yes, keep us posted.

• Louise 2012-08-03 04:39:19 said:

  Oh, and also after our first kiss on the evening we met he told me I am dangerous, went home and broke up with his girlfriend that same evening. I know his wounds are deeper than they appear, we all have wounds though. This should not keep us from enjoying the good times we can have. Still optimistic. Anyways, like I said before, I'll keep you guys posted.

• One of the Guys 2012-08-02 20:54:52 said:

  @Louise.......We just like to cover all the bases. (No pun intended) Yes, let us know how things progress.

• Louise 2012-08-02 17:12:24 said:

  The sex was great. The first time we slept together he kept saying, wow oh wow, you're perfect, etc. And it always gave a great buzz. We have always had great chemistry. Also were always very touchy feely in public and very comfortable around each other physically. I just don't talk about sex that much, that's something between two people. Will stick to my plan and keep you updated, probably in about a week or two.

• One of the Guys 2012-08-02 16:47:06 said:

  @Louise.....If he views everything you do as being manipulative then he may have already made up his mind about you. Because an honest letter, sharing your feelings and thoughts, should never be construed as manipulative. In a sense, every action a person does is manipulative, isn't it? Because even altruistic acts make us feel good. So are we doing it for the people we're helping, or for ourselves? Arguments could be made either way. On another note: Yes, relationship require work, but how much is a matter of debate. Some would say that a relationship that requires an undue amount of time and energy—in essence a relationship that's enervating—may not be worth it. We're not saying you should move on, but we are saying his wounds may be deeper than he's letting on. In which case, your own self-esteem, and self-worth could be eroded by his unwitting manipulation and accusations. Does this make sense at all? Curious: What was your physical chemistry like? Is it possible he sees you as a friend only?

• Louise 2012-08-02 16:24:51 said:

  Hello again guys, Thank you for the fast reply. Firstly I would like to say that I would never try and convince him that I am not like his ex girlfriend, as I put it in real life to him, 'I will not try and convince you of how I am a good woman.' To which he replied he knows I'm a good woman, and that he can't be in love right now because it hurt him too much before. That was months ago though, most of his wounds should slowly be licked and healed by now. And maybe now that time has come to convince him of how I actually am NOT his ex. Actions speak louder than words on the persona part in my opinion though. Will go for the sweet and soft and understanding approach, since really that's me, with a touch of dry wit and an ironic edge at times. Up to this point I have been very patient with him, never accused him of anything, even though the situation messed with my mind a few times, mostly since both sides of the story were unclear. The last few times we met up ended with long and tight hugs though, and on positive notes. Over this past period I have been working on my emotional issues. For instance instead of trying to solve everything myself before asking for advice, I am asking my friends for advice more frequently and am expressing my emotions more openly and I have been having more open conversations with them then before and some friendships have deepened because of it. Other than that I have picked up my old passions for playing the violin and swimming again, as it helps clear my head. He has been going to the gym frequently, and has been making some new friends, which is progress, I have always told him how I would like for him to and even expect for him to have some friends of his own, which sounds weird, but he really did not have any friends in Holland when he first move here to be with his ex and she would not let him meet new people since it should be enough to be with her. So, in our own ways, we have already been working on some things. Not there yet, but the intentions are good. I agree, don't like email as well when it comes to the expression of emotions. Have tried to meet up with him several times over the past period, and now knowing his perception on the situation I get why he was not all psyched about meeting, after all in his mind I ended things, then told him I never wanted that, and in that sense in his mind was acting manipulative. I am being the initiator at this point, since I feel like I am the one who created most part of this mess. I will keep you posted on any progress. Good idea on telling him what I love about him. I did right after our let's be friends talk, and he told me the only one that could make him feel better about himself was him. Now that time has evolved, will show a new attempt to that. Perhaps not pronto, but in a few weeks, since I really would like to see him first and rebuild a friendship first. Will write everything down in real old fashioned handwriting, perhaps with a zest of his favorite perfume of mine, but would that not come across as another manipulative act? I agree with you that one of us is going to have to step up to the plate in order for this to ever evolve. My plan already was to slowly try and woo him over again. I think he needs to regain my trust first, so showing him my support and friendship might be all it takes for now. He has been more responsive over this past week though, only texted him twice, but he responded enthousiastically, so there is some hope for real reconciliation. Will eventually ask him if we could possibly start over on the condition of plowing through difficulties together in the future, after having one ore more extensive face to face conversations. Thanks so much for your advice already! Louise

• One of the Guys 2012-08-02 13:50:42 said:

  @Louise....At least for your own peace of mind we think you should try and clear the air. But if he's not receptive there's not much you can do but try to explain to him that you are NOT his ex-girlfriend, and that you have never tried to be manipulative, but it was your own fears that drove you to say let's just be friends for now. Let's talk about your relationship for a moment. It's great that you have so many common interests. It sounds like you have a great connection intellectually. But emotionally the two of you are at odds. Or rather you're so alike that you feed off one another's insecurities. (That's what's gotten you to this place you're in.) So in some ways his comment about your personalities not matching is not that far off, BECAUSE you're so much alike. However, this doesn't mean things can't be repaired, but one of you—presumably you—is going to have to step up the plate and act more secure, and not react negatively to every event or conversation. That's going to take a lot of work. But this is only what you can control Louise. You can't control his behavior, and the way he views the world, women, and relationships. He's been burned before. Instead of picking himself up and trying to learn from his past, he's letting his past dictate his present and future. You could talk until you're blue in the face, but if he's not willing to work on himself there's not much you can do about it. And frankly, if he's going to stay in this emotional space—even if things did start working out between the two of you—we imagine you'll be exhausted dealing with his baggage 24/7. Our suggestion: Why not draft a letter. Not an email, but a handwritten or typed letter. Then let it sit for a week or so, then revise a few times. It should say everything you want to say to him. Don't accuse. Try to be positive. Explain to him all the things you love about him. Tell him who you are, and who you aren't. And at the end, ask him if he'll be willing to talk about everything and possibly start over. Then give him some space—a week/a few weeks—to process. Let him know you'll contact him in a few weeks. (As a contingency in case he doesn't call or contact you.) What do you think? ps. We don't like email when it comes to conducting relationships. Or texting. Too many possible misunderstandings.

• One of the Guys 2012-08-02 13:32:46 said:

  @Sarah.....Yes, this is confusing. Could you clarify the "country/living" situation for us because that could factor into our answer. (The fact that you live in two different countries. Or not) What's going on? Do you live in the same city? Or is he around temporarily? Please clarify and then we'll respond. THanks.

• Sarah 2012-08-02 09:19:38 said:

  I’m posting this as a comment at the suggestions of The Guys. I think it related here... Hi guys I'm feeling rather confused by my situation. I went on an online dating site for the first time about 8 weeks ago and first guy I met was this crazy awesome guy - smart, adventureous, sporty, cultured, kind, funny... I liked him, a lot. He's not from my home country (instead he's in fact French) and had moved to my home country about 12 months ago for his job. We had a first date about 7 weeks ago and then he had his mother here to visit and was with her for 3 weeks, during which I got a few texts and then the day before she left, a text asking when he could see me. I was away at the time as I frequently am (am very passionate about one sport which requires significant travel during weekends in its in season - he's also into the sport so understands). We organized to catch up the day after I got back, had a great date and neither of us wanted it to end. He asked me to his, and I naturally said no - I like him, and wanted more than just that. And said close to that in a laughing way. He understood and respected. Had another date a few nights later and again, was wonderful and again he wanted me to go to his, and again, I said no. Again, he seemed to understand. Things were going fine, he wanted to sleep with me and I him, but I wanted to take things slow and was clear with him in that. About 10 days ago he made me dinner at his and he showed me lots of stuff about his family and home and opened up about the very recent death of his father. It was all very overwhelming, as I hadn't expected to meet anyone online and had done it just because I was trying to meet different guys. I was becoming quite hopeful and starting to accept that maybe he was great and it would be something. We both work and play hard and so last week neither of us could meet all week. He texted every day though, so I wasn't at all worried. On Sunday I left earlier to return to the city (as we had had to wrap sport up earlier than I normally would). He wanted to do dinner. And so I met him at his place and we went to a nice restaurant. ! I had dr iven and was not going to drink and he was like, but you're staying at mine tonight, so you don't have to drive. It was a Sunday and I didn't want to do that and so laughingly said no, I wasn't as its a "school night" and had early meetings, a Friday would be better (and I am not away the next two weekends so it was possible). He made all these plans during dinner for us and had gone and purchased an extra heater for his apartment when he knew I was coming for dinner. We went back to him apartment, made out for awhile - there was clothes removed but nothing all that serious, but it was clear that I would have stay but just not that night (I should clarify that during that weekend I had driven over 9 hours and played sport for a day and a half - I was tired and wanted my own bed, it was very reasonable). It was all very positive. Anyway on Tuesday morning I messaged as promised about the time for our Wednesday night plans - which were just a movie, but I had the tickets, so I to organize. Anyway, I get this SMS from him in reply.... "hey Sarah, sorry, but I feel I need to be honest with you. There's a few issues going on with my ex at the moment and although I really enjoyed meeting you I'm not sure if right now is the best time for me to start something new with someone else. I promise you though it's nothing personal, it's just I'm still trying to work though things and I want to be fair to you." His text came as such a shock... I really hadnt seen it coming. When he walked me to my car he had shown me where I should park in future so I didn't pay for parking... I can't understand how things could change so rapidly. I have replied to his MSG... About an hour later I wrote back saying "ok... That's disappointing as I was enjoying your company. But thanks for saying." and then when I got home from work last night I needed to say more (perhaps stupid) and wrote saying "hey x, sorry for my reply earlier, I know it was perhaps cold, your msg just came as a shock... Can we have a chat or coffee and maybe you can tell me a bit about what's going on or what's in your head... I feel a bit confused" 12 hours later and no reply - I knew he was out last night... But now thinking I won't ever get a reply. In any event, I can't understand the flip! Thoughts? Insight? My BFF thinks he's just freaked out cause he's realized that perhaps he was starting a relationship and had just come out of one, or that his ex has some hold over him... I can't help but question whether it was a sex thing he wanted from me only, and he got tired of waiting, or I don't know... The thing is, if he'd said, I've got issues with my ex, can we cool things off I need to sort them out and then catch up and see where we're both at, I would have been ok with that... Or at least understood more... But the MSG feels more like a break up (when I don't know, it was still very new - only really 4 weeks having minuses his time away with his mother).... Clearly doing my head in!!!!! Thanks in advance

• Louise 2012-08-02 07:55:18 said:

  Hello guys, I would appreciate some advice on my current situation, with a man who is/ has been struggling to get over his traumatic experience with his ex, ever since we met. Clearly, I messed up a potentially good thing. With good intentions, but this does not necessarily make the situation irreversible. So, here's my situation, and hopefully you have some wise words of advice for me, so I can try and win this man back. The thing is, coming from where I am coming (have been cheated on a few times, dated a jealous guy that blew up a car out of jealousy once, having someone jump onto my balcony because he wanted to see me in the middle of the night, dated a manically depressed person, etc.) from I had gotten used to pushing men away. Mostly to protect myself from potentially getting hurt. It was the safest way of keeping myself from heartbreak and dissapointment. So letting someone in all the way was not something I was used to doing anymore. Then, in Holland as I am Dutch, mid December of 2011 I met this interesting energetic man that made me want to build down my walls and have me open up. Since this cannot be done all in once, sometimes I continued to push mr. man away, without wanting it. For instance if he would say that he had missed me, my answer would be something neutral, even though it put a smile on my soul. I had missed him as well, and it took me a while to become aware of my behavior and correct my auto responses and change them into genuine heartfelt responses. However, when I reacted the way I did, it made him doubt my feelings and/or intentions that I had with him. Since he just came out of a very turbulent relationship, that he broke off the day after we met, since as he put it, meeting me had opened his eyes as to how bad his relationship really was. Still, that being said, I had to make sure he wanted to be with me for me, so I took things very slow on a conscious level from the beginning. His ex had been threatening to report him to the IND (Dutch Immigration Services) several times during their relationship, and he nearly broke up with her about ten times, the fear of him being kicked out of the country withholding that decision. He is American and his residence permit was connected to them living together. When they broke up, half December 2011, she decided to inform the IND about the break up somewhere half January, so he would no longer have a permit and possibly could be kicked out of the country. It freaked him out, naturally. However, his employer got him a permanent contract to help him out and arranged for him to apply for an highly skilled residence permit, and the good news is not only that he got that, in the beginning of April, but also that it is valid for the next five years. This relieved a lot of tension off his shoulders. We had been going for long walks or had a coffee about twice a week from the beginning of January, during the day, as a short break from work for him. From day 1 we had been emailing regularly. At first it was just small talk and about when to meet next. Slowly the subjects became more personal. The great thing about email is that you learn qualities you don't per se discover when you meet up in real life. We seemed to share the love of language and semantics, have not the same, but still both a very dry wit, etc. Other than that we share an interest in jazzy and bluesy music, both love the sound of records and have enjoyed many an evening listening to all kinds of those. Also, we share a love for cocktails, salsa dancing, culinary surprises, anything but football, reading, writing, travelling, talking. It's very comfortable to be around him, since it does not matter what subject we talk about, or not talk about, communication seems to go smoothly and time always dissapeared when we would meet up. He put a smile on my soul, and the overall feel was good. We were enjoying each other's company and things were progressing towards relationship level. When it was the last day of April he asked me if I would join him on a business trip to Switzerland that we would add some extra days to for some relaxing and travelling to Italy and France as well, with just the two of us and I felt elated. This meant we were going places. I felt ecstatic and confident in future perspectives. However, in the second week of May he was going to stay over for the weekend, for the first time we would spend several days together. He seemed stressed as he arrived. Told me he could not do it, as he told me he felt too comfortable around me, that he was falling for me, that it scared him and he was afraid if we were going to do this he would become trapped in the same kind of relationship he just came out of. His body was shaking and his voice was trembling. We had a long talk and decided we would let it rest for a few days and talk about it again then. In the meantime I had decided to write down all the experiences from my past that made me respond and behave the way I did. I had him read it for him to better understand where I was coming from, but also to let the past be the past, and stop old situations with other men keep coming up and move on emotionally. When he came over to my place we discussed the situation and our individual feelings. As he came over to my place, he was nervous yet again, as was I. Since I was afraid he was going to break things off with me, I suggested it would be best for us to be friends for a while in order for us to sort things out and give it a chance. He agreed with that, turned quite silent though and started plucking my couch. Looking back I wonder what would have happened if I would have let him talk first. I was so afraid of him saying he could not do it, that I had decided to be the first to say something. That's where our miscommunication started. The conversation hit him pretty hard, as he emailed me a few days later, so I figured he had misinterpreted my being friends suggestion, since in my book this did not mean we broke up. It meant we are on a break so I can work on my emotional pushing away issues (ironic, I know, since this was the biggest push I ever gave him). And so he could work on getting over his ex and sorting himself and his feeling out. Over the past ten weeks the situation has gotten worse, since he seemed less and less responsive to my occasional mails of suggestions for going for a coffee. Overall, we met up twice during those ten weeks, the first time was very emotional, and the second time he could only spare half an hour from work and his hands were shaking. In the beginning of July it dawned to me that perhaps he had misinterpreted my being friends suggestion as I had thought earlier, but since I never told him how i really felt about the situation, there was no way he could have known what my real intentions were unless I would let them known, so I wrote him a heart felt email saying I never really wanted any kind of distance or seperation, even though I had suggested that. He now says that at that point he had decided he did not want to be with anyone anymore and me sending him that email made him feel like I was pulling a 180 on him and trying to manipulate his feelings/him. That reminded him of the behavior of his ex girlfriend, since she was constantly being manipulative, pushing and pulling him around. It would never occur to me to try and manipulate the person I care about. This was my way of showing my emotions, since I had been working on opening up more. Also, since I sent him that email he decided to take even more distance and had a look at our personalities. He now says he is grateful that I did that since it make him come to the conclusion that our personalities do not match, based on the manipulation he feels I pulled, even though he says we like a lot of the same things and share most of the same interests. He does not mention anything in specific, so to me it sounds like he is afraid I am yet another manipulative person, and he does not want to be with a woman that owns that quality. Also he says he does not want to be in a relationship with a Dutch woman anymore, although my most important traits are not Dutch. Again, this is confusing to me, as he really is not saying anything at all. In his entire email he does not mention any specific traits about me or himself for that matter, as to why it won't work. Last week it was his Birthday, five days after his email saying he cannot be in a relationship with me as he thinks we are only destined to be friends. That same Monday I have replied to his email, never in a judgemental way, but telling him things from my perspective in the hopes that this will shed a different light on the way he has been viewing the situation and my part in it. Since it was his Birthday and since we now both know how this past period has been for each one of us, I suggested to buy him a B-day drink when he is available. He now suggested we have a drink when I am available, but won't reply back. Could he be confused? Should I give him more space, yet again? Would it be wise to just go to his place, apologize for any misunderstandings and wave the white flag? I decided not to act emotionally over his non response to my suggestion of a date for going for that drink this week. Told him my week and weekend are now pretty much planned and that I would like to go for that drink with him next week, when he is available, to which he wished me an enjoyable week and weekend and said next week sounds good. This was my way of letting him feel I don't plan my week around him and make other plans if he waits too long to respond to my suggestions for meeting up. Other than that, the way I see it, everything from half of May has been one major miscommunication/misinterpretation and I would like to win him back, without coming across as needy, since he has now pushed me away for misinterpreted reasons, not for me being me. What would your advice in this situation be? I am at my wit's end at times, while at the same time confident that if we open up communication and have patience and rebuild things very very slowly, there's a chance we migt fall back in love with each other again. I just don't want to come across as desperate or anything, just need the air to be cleared and be on the same Thanks in advance, Louise

• One of the Guys 2012-08-01 06:41:26 said:

  @Ellie......Stress can definitely impact sex drive. And for many guys, sex drive is often at its lowest in the evenings. That's why we suggested the morning. Just a thought. On a positive note: The fact that he is being affectionate—albeit not sexually–is a good sign. Keep us posted and hang in there!

• Ellie 2012-08-01 03:21:24 said:

  I'd love to be physical anytime - morning, noon, evening, night...heck, wake me up in the middle of the night! (Oh, while we do work together, it is in an office, not from home.) The physical block is definitely all him. We have had innumerable opportunities since he has been back over the past 3 days/nights...just nothing has happened. I know he has a lot of stress in his life at the moment (work, money, the ex, etc), but shouldn't sex be something of a stress reliever?? I just wish I had some better explanation. His current lack of interest does nothing for my insecurity that something went on with his ex during his last trip to Dallas. He has wanted me to stay with him the last 3 nights, but there has been no kind of anything beyond cuddling, spooning, and a couple of pecks for kisses...nothing that indicates any level of passion. Could it really just be the stress that has his sex drive at a record low?? This is so Incredily frustrating! (On a bright note, he has significantly decreased his texting, which is nice.)

• One of the Guys 2012-07-30 17:38:27 said:

  @Ellie.....Yes, many deep breaths. FYI: Morning is a really good time for guys—sex we mean. Not first thing, but after a few hours. Since you work together—at home we think you said—why does the physical have to wait until the evening? What better way to start the day! But either way, hang in there. And keep us posted. Take care.

• Ellie 2012-07-30 12:13:35 said:

  Well, I saw him yesterday for the first time since last Wednesday. (He had left town on Wed to take his daughter back to Dallas and then came back really late Saturday night.) In some ways things were better - he wasn't constantly texting...still did a little bit, but to the non-stop that had been going on the last few weeks; in other ways, things were not better - he didn't seem particularly interested in me physically. It had been 2.5 weeks since the last time we'd slept together (neither of us felt it was appropriate while his daughter was visiting), and I was totally ready to jump him the moment I saw him, again. He gave me a hug and a peck and then busied himself with putting a desk together. He did tell me a little later that he wasn't feeling great, but still... I guess I had just expected him to want me like I wanted him. At any rate, I made a really nice dinner for us, then he did some work while I cleaned up in the kitchen. (For the record, it was the first time I'd ever cooked a meal for him.) After I finished the dishes, I decided to go in and watch tv in the bedroom. He eventually came and joined me in bed, and we finished watching a movie together. Then, turned off the tv, he spooned me, and seemed to be falling asleep. I was so upset with the fact that he still hadn't made a move the whole afternoon/evening (and I was wearing a little black nightie to bed, so it isn't like I wasn't putting signals out there...) that I ended up getting out of bed and going to sit out on the back patio, where I just cried my eyes out. I just felt so unwanted, which again, was a major shift from how we were a few weeks ago. He came looking for me after about 30 mins, and I said I was just sitting outside with the dogs. He said ok and went back inside. Eventually, I came back to bed. He had Trend the tv on, so I crawled back into bed and cuddled up to him. He wrapped his arm around me, and I think I just fell asleep. This morning, he woke up in a bad mood because his puppy kept waking us up and trying to play really early in the morning. Then, we got into a big fight, because I went off on him about feeling physically rejected by him (oops....that wasn't chilling). He said that he'd been in the mood and had tried when I got up and went outside and that by the time I'd come back he was just tired and didn't feel like it anymore. When I got up out of bed, though, I swear he'd just started snoring softly...didn't feel like he was up to anything but cuddling close spooning me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt in this morning's conversation and said that I was sorry for misinterpreting his spooning me, but that it felt like he was just going to sleep, and that I was completely sexually frustrated at this point. Of course, none of this helped alleviate any frustration on my side or his. And now, I get to work with him all day... Creating space when you work together is difficult at best. Today, though, I'm going to try to take a step back, chill as much as possible and try to be the sweet happy person I normally am...deep breath! :-)

• One of the Guys 2012-07-29 19:15:56 said:

  @Ellie.....Well, more details about what's going on helps us. First of all, you're smart not to vent to your girlfriends too much. If things turn around for the two of you—in a good way—you don't want them harboring negative feelings towards him when you're actually happy. But once you give us the details, he sounds like a pain in the butt right now. Inconsiderate, and completely in his own world. Maybe he just needs some space right now. We're not saying pull back entirely, but what if your "chilling" looked more like seeing him less, rather than getting on his case? If that makes any sense. We don't know how often you see each other, but maybe it needs to be limited for now. (Once a week?) That way you don't have to get sucked in to his non-stop texting, and he doesn't have to feel pressured by you to behave a certain way. The only stipulation should be: When he's with you, he's with you. No conversations with his ex, etc. No texting. (The only thing that could distract him would be his kids for some reason.) Overall, the two of you need to get on the same page. Maybe seeing each other less—at least for the time being—might help you both remember how good the two of you are together. Thoughts?

• Ellie 2012-07-29 10:41:52 said:

  Oh, another thing... He made the comment one day that by me saying, "I love you" to him, he felt like I was saying it to try to control him. I was totally caught off-guard, because we had both previously said "I love you" to each other several times a day, and in the moment id said it, it was just because I had felt it. Since he told me that I've tried to refrain from saying it, unless it is in response to him. But then, he recently told me I've not been very loving toward him. I guess I'm having trouble finding any sense of balance. I feel like no matter what I do or say, it is going to be the wrong thing. (By the way, thank you for this forum. I've tried not to bring up all these issues with my girlfriends, because I don't want them to be negative about him. As crappy as things have felt lately, I really don't want to throw him under the bus. I know he is a good and loving man at his core...would just like to get back to that and leave the anger and hatred stuff behind!)

• Ellie 2012-07-29 09:52:09 said:

  I absolutely agree that his daughter (daughters, but his older one is 18 and doesn't do much with him at the moment) ought to be his first priority. Unfortunately, even she fell by the wayside due to his near-constant distraction of texting with his ex lately. She was just in our city for a 2 week visit, and there were several times when I ended up taking her to do stuff, because he was so distracted with the texting that he was ignoring her. He is usually a good and attentive dad, but it was to the point that she even said something to him toward the end of her visit, which made me sad for both of them. As for the making time for me part, I don't feel like it is really time "for me" if he can't put his phone down even for a full five minutes through dinner. And he has been unbelievably angry for going on almost 5 weeks now. It isn't that it is particularly directed toward me, but between the constant texting (and when I say constant, I mean from the moment she sends I'm a text starting about 9 or 10 in the morning through the entire day untl about 2 or 3 a.m. with the only breaks being when he goes into a meeting with clients. Otherwise, he is looking at his phone. Up until this started at the end of June, he would set his phone down and not touch it all day.) and seething, I'm feeling so much negativity that it is difficult for me to give anything positive back to him. It's incredibly difficult to tell someone how happy you are with them when he doesn't even seem to hear what you've just said, as he looks up from his phone for a moment and tells you how much he hates his ex, before his fingers go furiously flying across his phone, again. Another "side effect" of all the texting and anger is that he has gone from being extremely affectionate to hardly so much as hugging me. After his first trip down to Dallas a couple of weekends back, it was literally 3 days before he kissed me, and that was only after I broke down one day and said something about the complete and utter lack of any affection from him. (And I really do try to give things time, but it has been such a drastic change in our relationship that I'm not really sure how to handle it.) So, while I get what you're saying about trying to chill out, I'm not quite sure how to do it. I've felt so wound up from all the negativity that it is really hard for me to give anything good at the moment. I do try to not burden him with everything that I'm feeling with him at the moment personally, and I try to focus on complimenting him about work-related matters (tell him how much I respect him for starting this business and seeing things through, praise him for his ability to gain new clients, etc), but I have not been able to offer much at a personal level. Any suggestions or pearls of wisdom for how I can show support for him when it is not coming very naturally? Right now, I really would love to just completely go off on him about him being an idiot for playing the pawn in his ex-wife's mental games, but I'm pretty sure nothing good would come from that outside of a brief moment of letting go for me. :-)

• One of the Guys 2012-07-28 20:48:07 said:

  @Ellie......Your assessment about his recent behavior may be right but you're going to lose this man if you don't chill, big time. We know you're hurt, upset, confused, angry, resentful, and annoyed. We don't blame you. But, this is complicated, very complicated, and he's in the middle of it all trying to figure it out. If you push him, and make him feel guilty and more confused, he's going to have no choice but to cut you out of his life. Not because he doesn't care for you. But his first priority is his daughter, then he has to give himself some time to heal, and then comes you. Maybe the balance is off right now. (No, it is off right now.) But as time goes by, and if you're still in his life, things will balance out. From what you're saying, he's telling you he cares a lot about you; he's trying to include you in his life AND he's making time for you. That's a lot for all that he has going on right now. Just try to see things from his perspective, and go with the flow. (For a little bit longer.) As far as his ex-wife, you can't control her actions. It's up to him. If he's that easily manipulated, well, then maybe he's just not ready to be with anyone. But he seems like he's really trying to fight it. (Internally we mean.) So try and be supportive, and just see how things go. If he starts getting sucked in more to his ex-wife's schemes and games, then it's time for you to get out. What do you think? Does this make sense?

• Ellie 2012-07-28 14:16:58 said:

  Oh, another huge part of my issue/insecurity right now. He went to Dallas to pick up his daughter 2 weekends ago. While there, his behavior was completely different from the only prior time we spent a weekend out of town from each other. Instead of his normal calling and texting me regularly (and always before bed and in the morning), he barely communicated with me at all the entire time he was gone. I brought this up when he got back and said I was feeling like things were really off, because he was so far from the norms that he'd created for himself over the past few months. He took his daughter back to Dallas a couple of days ago and is still there with her, and I haven't had a single phone call from him in 3 days now. He has texted me a little bit. I took a big step back and have only been responding (not initiating) texts. the thought that he is with his ex, again, is eating me up inside, but I'm trying to keep cool and not just start accusing him of things... They have this crazy history together, and he has gone back to her so many times that I have an awful fear it will (or has) happen(ed), again. I trust him with anyone else. The world, but am completely insecure about her.

• Ellie 2012-07-28 14:01:54 said:

  A few months ago, I met "Tom" through some friends. I completely brushed him off as not my type from the beginning, but after a month of him pursuing contact with me, I finally relented and talked with him...and in doing so, found out that I actually very much liked him. I still felt my original assessment that he had some issues to work through was true, but he seemed like things were far enough along that we could at least try dating. "Dating" doesn't really express the lightning speed at which our relationship then moved. We quickly became a constant pair, and his friends and family were telling me how they'd never seen him so happy with anyone. I literally had strangers come up to me telling me how obvious it was that he adored me. I could not have been happier the first 7 weeks we were together. And then, along came his ex-wife... They were married for 14 years, together for 18 years, though several separations in their marriage before she left him and filed for divorce in 2006. Their divorce was final in 2008, but he continued to try to get her back for at least another year. Well, I met her when we went to pick up his daughter last month. As mentioned, he was radiating happiness with me at that point. Shortly after that, she started texting him...sometimes trying to anger him, sometimes trying to seemingly seduce him - whatever she tried, he seemed to respond. He has grown more and more distant from me the past few weeks, as they seem to be going through this cycle of very angry text messages with each other. He has told me he just wants to understand why she is doing this now. I've expressed my opinions (that she hated seeing him happy with someone else after so many years of being the object of his affection and sometimes obsession, so she is now trying to reclaim her "place" in his life, and that it is about power and control for her at this point), and he has said that he thinks I'm probably right. That said, he hasn't been able to stop himself from responding to her... I'm growing very weary of this situation. I even told him about a week ago that I thought we needed to end our personal relationship (we are also now working together in his start-up business, so there is practically no space!) for the time being. He acted completely baffled at my suggestion and said he just needed a little space and everything would be fine...that he loves me and just needs to work everything out in his head. I've been trying to give him space over the past couple of weeks, but then he keeps asking me to have dinner or hang out after work. I keep trying to enforce the space he has asked for, while he keeps trying to invite me into it...all very confusing! I absolutely adore this man and very much want a future with him, but I'm not sure how much I can put up with regarding the constant text fighting with his ex-wife. I know he needs to work this out to find a sense of peace in his head, but I also know I deserve for him to be with me and not distracted and angry by his ex who lied, manipulated, and cheated on him for years. How do I let him know I support him, but that what he is doing is destroying us? I don't want to nag, I don't want to cry or be all emotional, I just want him to know what he is doing is hurting me and us. If I tell him he needs to stop responding (as I have), he tells me that I'm trying to be controlling... So...what to do?

• One of the Guys 2012-07-19 16:27:23 said:

  @Stephanie.......If you're the one who's always doing the work, and trying to smooth things over, you need to take a hard look at that. Honestly, he doesn't seem to want to do the work required to be in a relationship. It seems like he's kind of keeping his options open with the non-exclusive part of your relationship. And frankly he should be the one chasing you, not the other way around, since he's the one muddying the waters with other people. We still think it's worth telling him how you feel about his behavior with his ex. However, understand that it might push him away from you more. But also understand that if it does, it was just an easy excuse for him to move on, which he was already planning to do anyway. Does this make sense? We see you talking to him as one final attempt at some sort of understanding between the two of you. If he reacts poorly then it's time to move on for you as well. What do you think?

• Stephanie 2012-07-19 09:30:26 said:

  Thanks for your advice.To answer your first question, the non-exclusive part is coming from him because he's not ready for a relationship yet. I know that I have to give him space to figure things out but the way things went with his ex was just so unfair to me. I would like to have a heart to heart conversation with him but like I mentioned in my first post, the way we ended the conversation when he called back and said "i'm not going to chase you and i told him that he needs to figure out what he wants" makes me not want to make the attempt to do so. We've had encounters like this before when it came to his ex and I've always been the one to make the attempt to smooth things out and let him know that i would be patient with him. What makes this situation so different is that his ex actually contacted me this time...either way I'm not sure if I should wait for him to contact me in order to have that heart to heart conversation or if it should be me. I feel like i'm always making the attempt.

• One of the Guys 2012-07-19 04:49:05 said:

  @Stephanie.....We think he's not being that understanding of how you're feeling. He should realize that you're in a precarious and uncomfortable position, even though your relationship is non-exclusive. But we wonder about the non-exclusive part. Is that coming from you or him? Because you don't talk about him like someone might if they were in a non-exclusive relationship. To us, it seems that you'd like to be in an exclusive relationship with him. And if that's the case you need to let him know that. We can see why he wants to be sure about his ex, but it's not fair to drag you through the mud. We think you need to have a heart-to-heart with him and let him know how you feel. We know why you told him to leave you alone, but it wasn't a productive thing to say. It puts him too much on the defensive. Let him know how his situation with his ex makes you feel, and then give him some space to figure it all out. You being in the picture while this is going on, muddies the water for him, and isn't good for you. Let him figure it out, and then if he comes back to you, you'll know he really wants to be with you. But be as supportive as you can for the time being. (We know it's hard. Very hard.) Hang in there and take care of yourself. Feel free to ask a follow up question anytime.

• Stephanie 2012-07-19 00:24:21 said:

  Hi, I need advice. I have been involved "non-exclusively" with a guy now for over a year but he still calls me his friend. He says he cares about me all the time but the problem is that his ex is still in the picture. We both live in the same state while his ex lives in another. We always hang out and we both have an emotional connection with each other but the problem is that he still has not let go of his ex. They both communicate constantly and just the other day his ex wrote me a long letter stating that he still calls her saying that he loves her and misses her, while keep in mind he always tells me that he misses me. After reading the letter from his ex I contacted to inform him of what she told me and he told me the only way for him to truly know if he's doing the right thing of not being with her anymore is to actually see her. She mentioned in her letter that he's been begging her to fly where we live so he can see her, but she still hasn't. The letter also stated a few other things and that she wishes us both the best of luck. After reading the letter (and keep in mind that the subject of his ex has been brought up many times throughout our time of dating) I contacted him and was very pissed and told him to leave me alone. He tried to explain certain things in the letter that she had wrote but after we ended the conversation. He called right back stating, "do you really want me to leave you alone 'yes or no' because i'm not going to chase you" and I told him, like I've told him before "you need to figure out what you want", and the conversation ended. We have not spoken since. I really need advice on this situation. I care about this guy so much and this hurts.

• One of the Guys 2012-07-18 07:25:24 said:

  @Brokenheart49.....Well then say exactly what you said to us but in a condensed message. Or send him an email with a longer message. Speak from your heart and it will be okay. Just make it clear why you're writing. Good luck and take care. Keep in touch and let us know if we can help in any other way.

• Brokenheart49 2012-07-18 07:07:52 said:

  Thank you. Being he ended it with me, I am not looking to say I want to get together & talk. I feel in my heart that I want to remain in his thoughts the caring loving person that I am...he knows this. He always told me I was everything he wanted in a wife, & that I have so much to offer. He just wasn't in love with me as he had strong feelings still for this other woman, & also a ton of mixed emotions from his divorce. I just want him to know that I'm there if he needs anything, that I pray that he is doing well & coping better. He was tremendously stressed over this past month ever since Father's Day when all his adult kids & his grandkids came to visit, & his ex wife was there but he wasn't allowed to be there until she left at the end of the day. Sad situation how his family isolates him at times. But he did hurt me when he lied to me about the ex gf. I feel in my heart that he let me go because he couldn't have her with me still in his life.

• One of the Guys 2012-07-18 06:51:25 said:

  @Brokenheart49....You bring up a very valid question. Texting is sometimes the only way to get in touch with people, but it's not the best medium for important issues. First think about what your plan is. What do you hope to gain from sending him the text? Meaning, what's your goal, your purpose? Then it will be easier to figure out what to say. Example: Is it just to say hi? Is it to say, "I hope you're doing well." Do you want to get together and talk? What is it? Think about that, and then try to write that message as succinctly as you can. Wish we could be more specific, but this has to come from you, come from your heart. Be honest.

• Brokenheart49 2012-07-17 22:13:38 said:

  Thank you...just one more thing. What should my text message say? I don't have any expectations. I just want to keep peace within myself, pray for him, & hope that all is well with him. I just don't know what to say in a text.

• One of the Guys 2012-07-17 22:09:42 said:

  @Brokenheart49.....Thank you for giving us some more details. (Those help us give you a clearer and more accurate "answer.") We don't see a problem with a text in a few weeks. But keep your expectations at bay. The text should be something YOU need to do for yourself. Back to him......Obviously he has a lot on his plate. And a lot to work through from his divorce/marriage. And add in his meds this could cause someone to have big behavioral swings. But still, the best thing you can do is give him space. Hopefully he'll reach out to you at some point and the two of you can at least talk about what happened. And maybe he can shed some light on what's really going on for him. Take care.

• Brokenheart49 2012-07-17 21:49:51 said:

  I did value his friendship...he was good to me. He did helped me with things around my house, enjoyed company with my sons, and even bought things that I liked & kept them at his place (i.e. my favorite coffee, wine, etc). We had fun times together...really fun times. He told me we were so compatible, and that I had every quality he was looking for in a future wife. But he somehow felt smothered by me with everything else going on in his life with his recent divorce & his adult children & family members holding a lot of bitter feelings toward him. He felt a tremendous amount of guilt for what he did during his long marriage (40 yrs), & how he cheated on his wife who never strayed from the marriage. He has been on antidepressants for years also. I feel that these meds change his personality at times. He has highs & lows. He was such a good man to me, & this is killing me inside. I felt as if I didn't know the man I was with when we were away on our trip a few weeks ago...he was like a different person. One day he was so warm to me, holding me, & very affectionate. The next day he was withdrawn & distant. She had the nerve to text him while we were on vacation together. I said some hurtful things to him due to his disrespect for me in talking with her while we were away & accepting her messages when he said he was well over her when we first met. I do see a counselor thru my employer, & she has told me that in a few weeks, if it makes me feel any better, I could reach out with a brief text, but that's it. Part of me says no, part of me wants to just to make peace within my own heart. Whether or not he replies. Thoughts?

• One of the Guys 2012-07-17 21:04:00 said:

  @Brokenheart49.......We understand that you're very sad over this, and bitter, and maybe angry, but is he really worth it? From our perspective he's a guy who lied to you, made promises he wasn't ready to keep, and then snuck around behind your back. Sure, it's always better to forgive. (It's easier to move on when you do.) But we get the sense that you're still holding out hope for a relationship with this guy, even though you're saying otherwise. Like your kind words will somehow jog his memory at how great things were between the two of you. We're just being honest and telling you what we see. But we don't think that's going to happen, and we also don't see the point of staying in touch unless you really value his friendship. (Once again, is it because you really want a friendship with him, or because you're hoping you might be able to rekindle what you had?) What are your thoughts?

• Brokenheart49 2012-07-17 19:58:12 said:

  I dated a man for a few months. Things were going very well, he asked me to exclusively date him after a few weeks. He treated me well, we had a lot in common, & were both very spiritual. He was recently divorced, & only a few months out of a year long relationship when he met me. He had strong feelings for his ex girlfriend, who left him for another man, when he had met me, but he told me that he had deleted all her texts & her phone number from his phone after he had told me that she was keeping in touch with him soon after we met. Things were going so well up until about a month ago when he had a talk with me that he wanted to stop having sex with me due to religious reasons. He also told me that we should reconsider going on a trip that we had planned when things were going well between us, & he mentioned that he felt I was more into him than he was me. I was shocked, as he was the one who chased me, planned many things we did together, & told me how much he loved being with me. He introduced me to his family who liked me very much, as did my family as well. We ended up going on the trip, which was a big mistake as he had warned me that my expectations were not going to be what I had wanted, but he went along with the idea of going anyway in order not to see my upset. During our trip, I found out that his ex gf was texting him, & I saw him talking with her on the phone late one night. I became very agitated & said things I later regret, but I was hurting so much that he even told me that I had every right to be upset. I felt he disrespected me by his sneaky actions...I even noticed he took his phone in the bathroom with him many times as well. I never thought this kind wonderful man, who I was so convinced would be so good for me, would do this to me. He told me that we were done, & has not contacted me since he dropped me off back at my house the day our trip ended - that was almost 2 weeks ago. I am bitter and hurt and angry, and have not contacted him. We even live close by, so this makes it so hard for me. We planned things out into the future, and my family is upset that this has happened. I want to reach out to him because I cared for him...truly did. He did some nice things for me and I feel deep down he has a lot of issues going on & I only added more pressure to him I'm sure. But I went with the flow as he pursued me more than I did him. I enjoyed every time I was with him. Please tell me what to do. I can't stand this silence. I hope he is ok, & want to say a few words to him but don't know what to say. I'm not looking for anything as I feel he wanted to end things with me due to feelings he has for someone else, but I can't believe he would throw me away without saying one word when he said we would be talking again. He & I are very religious, & I want to say something to him indicating that I hope he is well & that I need to let this bitterness & anger go by the wayside & hope he & I can find peace within our hearts to at least speak again from time to time. Please help. Thank you

• One of the Guys 2012-07-08 18:49:09 said:

  @B....You've only known him for how long? Two weeks, or a little more? It's very likely he's really into—more than he planned on from what you're describing—but if he dated his ex for 2.5 years, it might take him a while to move past it depending how it ended. (Meaning, was it a tough break up? Why did they break up? Etc.) And two weeks is not enough for him to forget the feelings he's trying to get over. (Sounds like she broke his heart.) Our advice: If you like this guy, be patient. You certainly can date around in the meantime? Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone else interesting? But we imagine you'll have many more questions in the next few months because we see this guy wanting to stay in touch with you while he's gone, and hopefully want to get to know you better when he sees you again. But please let him be the initiator, that way you'll know if he's really interested and ready to move on from his ex.

• B 2012-07-08 06:47:30 said:

  I'm posting because I feel like I am in a similar situation... I actually just* met this guy about two weeks ago. I met him through a friend so he is not a complete stranger. Now, we got to know each other because we ran into each other at a coffee place where I was studying.. we ended up spending the rest of the night just chatting and really getting to know each other - until the coffee place closed (About 4 hours of talking!) the next day, he texted me and wanted to visit me at work. i had left work already but he still made an effort and we ended up hanging out that night. now fastforward... similar situations (Finding reasons to hang out in the evening...) and we would literally hang out in his car until like 5:00 or 6:00am for 3 nights. now one night i actually went to his house to meet his dog, we ended up watching a show all night... and i spent the entire night over at his place -- nothing happened, we did not even kiss. however, he was cuddling me all night and we were basically very 'close' when we were sleeping. i left in the morning, and same thing, we hung out until late late night for about 2 more days. Now, the guy is going on vacation to his hometown for about 2 months, he left two days ago. the morning before he left, he came over to my house to.. basically see me "one last time" before summer is over. we were basically cuddling again, but this time, he finally kissed me. Since i am a curious creature i HAD to ask him. i KNOW he likes me. i know he likes me a lot. in fact, i like him a lot too - why would anyone in their right mind spend the entire night (literally) with somebody for almost an entire week if not right? so i had to ask him, what are we? his answer was.. not what i was expecting. he straight up told me that he really really likes me, that he thinks about me everyday and enjoys being with me. BUT. he became quite 'depressed' and said something along the lines of how he feels empty and can't fill this void in his heart for a long time.. SO... he doesn't know if he will be able to be a BF to me.. WHAHH ?? so i actually had to go to work that morning so it basically ended at that. that night i did some 'research', or better yet, facebook stalking (Don't we all?) i'm surprised i didn't do my research earlier! it seems like to me. he is not over his ex. actually, i found out the dog that i visited at his house, is actually a dog him and his ex adopted together..... i dunno if he talks to her regularly (on the phone/text/see each other) at all... i do know she comments on his fb pictures and things like that. and i was looking at his pictures, there were still pictures that had her name (not picture of her) tagged. and at least a couple of pics where it is, i'm assuming, the place where they met (some fountain?) and he would caption something like "how could i forget". the first one was "this is where we met!" so basically, long story short... i do'nt know how to feel about everything any more!! i thought he was SO into me (that i didn't bother 'looking him up')... but now he threw me a curve ball where he doesn't/not ready to be my bf. well, this is a dumb question.. but when will he be ready? he said they broke up last August. and i'm assuming with his feelings still so strong.. they probably do see/talk to each other on a regular basis. my main question is... do you think i should continue "pursuing" him? when he comes back im' not sure where we will be. but in the mean time.. should i "wait" or should i just go on and date others? i really DO like him too, i have a good amount of guys after me but he is the only one that caught my eye and everything about him is quite perfect. so. what's a girl to do?! ps. they were together for 2.5 years, and appearently nothing sexual happened between them becasue the girl can't get over how he was not her first or something :S thank you!! -B

• One of the Guys 2012-04-26 20:54:26 said:

  @Danielle.....We wish you the best. And absolutely keep us posted how things are going with you. And feel free to ask another question anytime. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

• danielle 2012-04-26 18:26:56 said:

  Thanks guys. i am not sure either, at times i think we are in sync, and then at times not. I am being me, and am realizing if that is not enough, then, as much as it will break my heart, it will be a have to let go. I hoped this would be a dream come true, but I am also wondering that aspect myself. Thank you for your honesty. I would hope that at 43 the 'games' would be over.. sigh. oh well. he says he does not want to be 'pushed' into a relationship. well, i do not push, i am me. thank you. You are right, if he wants to be with me, he will accept me, and i will have to watch out.. will let you all know. Thanks again. you have been a great help, this is all so new and different. Especially after being married for 13 years~ danielle

• One of the Guys 2012-04-25 21:20:42 said:

  @Danielle.......We don't like that he's making this kind of like a game. What's this about having an advantage, like it's a competition? It's not. We're starting to get an unsettled feeling that he might be a player in disguise. So what do you want Danielle? Because if the two of you are not in sync it doesn't matter what you do or say. Timing is so important. Our only advice. Be yourself. And be true to yourself. Then there's no right or wrong actions. It's just you being you. If he wants to be with you he'll accept you. If he doesn't he'll continue to make it a game and keep you off balance.

• Danielle 2012-04-25 15:49:22 said:

  UPDATE *** w/ QUESTION** OK, so the past week, we have chilled, both of us. I found out that he went on a date with his ex girlfriend, but i TRIED not to make a big deal. i half way succeeded. he told me that I have the advantage since he is living in my home, and we see and talk to each other each day. We decided to try and not be intimate together, he still sleeps in bed with me, and holds me. He says that I am a realtaionship girl, and that at time I PUSH for a relationship, ( although I do not know what I am doing that he says this, i am thinking sending him flirty txt messages and ) I asked him, if I do not show an intrest, will that be taken as I am not longer intrested, and he said no, that he knows I love him. I just need to relax and chill. I am trying to take it at face value, I guess I do not see the advantage , since we do not go out on "dates" , we do a lot of talking, play chess and do spend the evenings together. he aslo said that I am the only one that talks to him about scripture and prays with him. he said I am also at an advantage because i know about the other women, and they do not know about me. I know you said be patient, Please I could use some advice so as to not push him out of my life by my actions. thank you -- and as guys, could you PLEASE give me some advice on how to NOT push? Thanks

• danielle 2012-04-20 13:14:26 said:

  OH and one more question.. I am not sure if you are religous or not, ( i am not judging) BUT i would think that by us praying together ~ and asking for insight and direction, that is a sign that he is intrested in me as well. He says that he did not pray with the others ( his ex wife a bit) we do this a few times a week. Also, sometimes in the morning we may say a prayer for the other person as they are leaving for work. One other confusing thing, when I leave in the morning before him( which is rare) he wants me to wake him up to say good bye, like he does with me. Even at times will get up to spend time with me, and wants to know when I get home if he is not there. Even more confusing. I guess all and all, I am SO Confused.. can you guess. Sorry, and thanks for being patient with me.

• danielle 2012-04-20 13:03:30 said:

  Thank you. I know that I am not over my husbands death, I feel that it was a strange time to reconnect with someone, and have such STRONG feelings. Then again, I wanted to be with this person before, and made the chose of my marraige over him. SO... Slow down, LOL I wish I knew how. One minute it is great and things are going slow, the next.. WOW. SO how can I slow things down with him in my house? PLEASE? Also, how should I act? I know normal. like last night, we sat and watched a video, and browsed the internet. We are not "young" in the sense this is not our 1st go around. I know that he likes touch and quality time. He is past the "constant" sex part, yet also wants to be together. I am trying to back off, yet I get mixed signals all the time. Not sure what to do, or how to act. Not act, how to be. Being me, I am a naturally affectionate and caring, giving person. that is me. I guess I am confused a bit too, as when we have talked, if he has wanted to be with me for 7 years, why the back and forth? especially as he was not in a committed relationship? Why not just be honest and say, he is not ready? I am not asking for marriage, just honesty. I am not one to date more that one guy at a time( OK he was the exception :-( > but , i keep being told by others to see other people. I guess I am really just an old fashioned girl.. in some ways.. ( confusing i know) .. LOL.. WOW , i just do not know what to do.. I hope you can make sense of this, I am so confused on what I should and should not do. If I am myself does it seem pushy? If i change and act different, i do not want to pressure him, I would like to understand a bit more why he chooses to be put down, instead of built up? he drives me crazy, because as he tells me we should slow down, he turns around and starts kissing me, and putting the moves on me.. WOW, as i said, i have been out of the dating game too long, I thought "games" would be behind me at this age. Thanks again

• One of the Guys 2012-04-20 11:30:09 said:

  @Danielle.....Thanks for your question. You need to be patient and just see how this plays out. It's hard for us to say whether or not he likes you but all signs point to that. But he's not ready to settle down and that's why he's with this other woman. Guys can put up with a lot especially if he finds her physically attractive. In fact guys can AND will have sex with a woman they're attracted to even if there is no respect. (Not all, but some. At least for a while.) So it's possible he's being honest with you about his feelings towards you, and at the same time dating this other woman. But anything he says during sex should be taken with a "grain of salt." People say all sorts of things when their senses are heightened. We also think you need to slow things down for you as well. Maybe you feel you've gotten over your husband's death, but it's likely impacting your decision making more than you know. See how this goes and feel free to ask us a follow up question. Good luck.

• danielle 2012-04-19 17:32:21 said:

  PS!!! I made the comment a few times about being Friends w/ Benefits, and he was upset he said that he does not like that term and said that is not what he wants. To my knowledge he is only intimate with me at this time , also says that he wants me to become pregnant so that we can get married, that he knows i want to be married 1st, and he wants that too, but this would push him into it. He also said that he is a one woman man when committed. we sleep in the same bed, every morning when he gets up( he gets up before i do) he rolls over and kisses me good morning, and then kisses me before he leaves as well. He tells me every day that he loves me. see more reason for confusion!! Please help!!!!

• danielle 2012-04-19 09:40:31 said:

  OK, I am TOTALLY confused.. I just lost my husband inb 11/2011 after 13 years of marriage. Just recently,I reached out and contacted a guy I used to work with, that we had been intimate together in my marriage, and then broke it off, I will call him Michael. My husband did not know, that i knew of. But knew there was a strong connection so asked me to stop talking to "michael" and I did. we did not see each other for over 8 years, or talk for over 5. I do not know why I reached out, maybe to see it he "spark " was still there. When we started talking, I figured out that he was living in his car, since i have a house, invited for him to stay in the guest room( yes I can see you shaking your heads already) Yes, he wlaked in and the attraction was still there, on both sides. I could tell he really liked me as well. He has been staying with me, been almost 2 months, we have had lots of discussions, about a possile relationship, that he loves me, he wants to be with me, marriage, children, and yes we have been together. When he came back in my life, he told me that there was a girl he had been 'seeing' for all intenst and purposes, for the last year and a half, they were doing a lot of talking, and actually did not 'get together' and have sex until after he was in my house, and then she DROPPED him cold, he said he had not even had a chance to tell her about me.. he has tried for 6 weeks to get a hold of her, and says he wants closure. i just found out that he also is in touch with he ex-girlfriend of 7 years. while he tells me he i have an advantage once he figures out his life with the other one, i found out that he is going on a date with this girl this upcoming weekend, and I found out as i saw a txt that was sent, and read it, ( my bad I know) and he told her it was not to just hang out, but to take her out, hold her hand and let him be a gentleman and treat her like a lady. They had broken up several times over 7 years, and the last time was supposedluy about 10 months ago, and when she sent him back a note, to me it was biting saying.. "how can you be in a better place when you are living with your sister and driving the same car" I do not understand why he wants to put up with a woman that does not respect him, and talks down to him, and another that drops him cold. he did not tell me they were going on a date, he said he was going out with a friend. Is he not over these woman? OK maybe not the one, but his ex?! he tells me that there was nothing, that he cares depply for his ex of 7 years, that is understandable. Then he tells me I am too good for him, I am kind and considerate, he knows that I like him, and would want a relationship, he says that he has thought of me all these years apart as well, and even told the most recent woamn ( the one that dropped him cold) about me before we reconnected. Some more background, I am 38 no children, he is 43 and he is divorced ( they were married almost 13 years) and his ex and he had 3 children, then after divorce he was with his ex girlfriend, and then with the most recent one that he was trying to establish a relationship with. He says in his heart , they had, just not in a committed relationship. He says he wants to move out so that he can "date" me, as he does not want to just get involved ( um hello?!) and he has not lived on his own, he went from home, to the navy, to his ex girls and then to his car and my house. My family and friends that have met him, say that they can tell he has strong, if not love feelings for me by how he looks at me. I am so confuse, how can he say he loves me, wants to marry me and have kids ( the last two are during sex, but the children part he says he wants me to have a child with him) and then yet still see his ex and go on a "date". At times he also is all about talking and deepening our relationship, we pray together for guidence and decisions, we read scripture together, he holds my hand in public. I am getting SO many mixed signals.. once that say I am wanting to be with you and build a relationship and then it will be , just back off a bit and let me figure things out... that is usually when I think things are going really well, and will start flirting more with him. I know it kind of seems soon since my husbands death ( it shicked me too) i did not expect this, I really do have feeling of love for him, not just lust... ( i thought it was at first just lust) Is he playing me? Or is he really possibly trying to close out things and maybe try a relationship? At easter we talked, and he said that his heart was so torn, because he could nt get the one that dropped him cold out of his mind, and he knows that it is not fair to me, and to give him some time, I said ok, give me a time frame, six months, year? he said a few weeks, beginning of May, well that is right around the corner. He has been honest for the MOST part till this one thing I found out about his ex and him going on this date. His children do not like her all that much ( his ex) she never had much to do with them, and they do like me. I know that he and I are not in a 'committed' relationship, but at times he says he knows that I want one, and he wants one as well. He says he wants to be get remarried but knows not to trust his heart because he thought he was in love with his ex wife, and that ended, and he feels bad about thatm and that he took 7 years form his ex girlfriend( yet he proposed to her and she turned hum down!!) I am so confused and feel like things can move forward, I need to settle down and back off, i am still going out with friends and living my life, one thing is yes, it is hard to be in a 'chase' as he calls it, when i come home and he is there, yet those are the days he pays the most attention to me.. weird.. please help, i have been out of the dating game a LONG time, and even when i was, never dealt with something like this.. it is driving me crazy!!! thanks guys!!

• One of the Guys 2012-04-05 21:49:25 said:

  @Ashley.....It's up to you. But we agree with you. How do you think his girlfriend must feel if he's hanging out with you? How would you feel if you were his girlfriend and he was hanging out with some other girl all of the time? Seems a bit inappropriate wouldn't you say? As far as being friends with him, hard to say. It all depends on why you want to be friends with him. If it's because you really love his company then maybe you can figure out how to hang out with him a little. If it's because you're still hoping he might come around and want to be with you then we'd say it might not be a great idea. Our final take: If it were us, we'd proceed with caution with this guy. He doesn't seem that trustworthy in general. And if he's behaving this way now that he has a girlfriend it's likely he'd behave the same way if he was with you.

• Ashley 2012-04-05 16:17:41 said:

  Hi, Thanks for your input. I'm actually mostly upset with him because all I wanted from him was the truth. I know he knew how I felt. I just want him to admit it instead of making excuses. I told him I blamed myself the day he said he was back with his ex and he sat there and let me. It makes me so angry now. I just want him to say "things had to end with us because I still had feelings for my ex." That's all I want him to say. I feel like we could be better friends if that wasn't hanging over us. But, I don't know how to get him to admit to it because he seems to have forgotten the whole subject. So, I started to distance myself from him and ever since, he keeps asking me to hang out with him more. I think it bothers him that I'm not following him around like I used to. He keeps buying me lunch after class. He says it's to pay me back for helping him with his papers, but he already payed me so I think it's just an excuse to hang out. He also still wants me to come to his house and hang out, as in, in his room, lying on his bed, watching tv. I feel like that's completely wrong considering he has a girlfriend. So, what can you make of this? Should I tell him I want to be friends, but I need him to admit getting back with the ex wasn't because he didn't know how I felt? Should I also remind him it's wrong to have a girl who's not your girlfriend laying on your bed with you?

• One of the Guys 2012-04-05 10:54:55 said:

  @Ashley......It just seems like he's not ready to cut ties with his ex. It almost didn't matter how much he liked you. When a person is still emotionally attached they aren't really able to see accurately what's in front of them. You could be perfect for him but if he's got blinders on he's not going to realize it. This really doesn't seem like it's about you. It seems more about him and trying to figure out if he can make it work with his ex. We can't blame you for being upset. It sounds like he led you on a bit. But don't be too hard on him. He's confused. And it's obvious he cares about you, but it's hard to say how until his ex is out of the picture. So you can either move on or be patient and see what happens. Of course there are still no guarantees that he'll come running to you even after they break up. Sorry. This is tough. Hang in there.

• Ashley 2012-04-04 22:56:41 said:

  I'm posting this here because my question also deals with an ex. Hey Guys, Me and this guy were talking for 1 month. We started talking because he drunk texted me one night telling me he thought I was cute and I answered telling him the same thing. We're in college. We had 3 classes together so we'd hang out between class 2 days a week. We flirted, waited for each other after class. We made plans to hang out, but he worked a lot and it was around exam time so we didn't get to. He had a head injury and missed some school, so I'd write papers for him so he wouldn't fail. He started calling me “hun” in texts so I did the same to show him I felt the same. We were really flirty. He asked if I wanted to register for classes with him for 2nd semester so we could hang out more and I said yes. The last week before we got out of school for Christmas break we went to lunch after school and he paid for me and I let him. When we were at lunch I told him about this guy I dated in high school who has a Jeep. This guy also has a Jeep. So he said, “oh, so you've got a thing for guys with Jeeps?” I thought by saying that he was basically saying he knew I liked him. On the last day of class I waited 45 minutes for him to say goodbye and when he saw me he smiled and said “you waited for ME?” I called him the next week and told him what day we could register for classes together. We met up and I brought him Christmas cookies. We talked and he mentioned he was going to see his friends from high school and his ex. He said they were still good friends, but they fight and it's kinda awkward. Before we left he hugged me. It wasn't how my regular guy friends hug me. He hugged me like guys who I've been more than friends with. All of a sudden over break he stopped calling me “hun” in texts and I saw a picture of him and his ex on facebook, but I didn't think anything of it because he said they were still friends. When we came back to school after Christmas he was still flirting a lot. I asked him about his break and he told me about some stuff and said he was surprised he didn't kill his ex because they fight so much. We started hanging out after school at his house and we'd lay in his bed and he'd tickle me and flirt. He started calling me “friend” all the time. Out of nowhere one day, he mentioned his ex and said she'd be jealous if she knew he was hanging out with a friend who's a girl. I asked him about her. He said they're “just friends, kinda best friends, but we're not really talking right now.” He said he still cared about her, but she hurt him because she cheated on him a year ago and that's why they broke up. We went to his house after that and he laid really close to me and said “I really wanna kiss you, but I don't wanna lead you on.” The very next day he posted a picture of a Valentine's gift his ex sent him on facebook saying it was the best gift ever. The next week all of a sudden he started asking me to hang out more, text him more, and he was talking about my looks, so I thought maybe he chose me. But, the next week he was absent from class. It turns out a mutual friend of his and his ex's died and they went to the funeral together and hung out for an entire week while she was in town. The night before he came back to school he texted me "I miss you :(" The moment we were alone the next day he told me they got back together. He said they were under the influence (not alcohol if you know what I mean) and said a bunch of crazy stuff about how they should get married. I think he knew how I was going to react. I got really angry and told him he'd been leading me on. First he said "well I didn't think I was your type anyway." Then a few minutes later he said “I tried with you. I liked you, but sometimes I wondered.” It's like he couldn't make up his mind. How could he not know I liked him? It just seems like he lied. First he goes from calling me “hun” to saying we were just friends, like we'd just been friends from the beginning. Then he says he liked me, but wondered if I liked him? He was starting to treat me like a gf before and I was starting to treat him like a bf. What happened? Do you think he knew I liked him, but when he saw the opportunity to get back with his ex he started trying to get me to think we'd just been friends?

• Liz 2012-03-09 15:49:28 said:

  Thank you, thank you! You're right. I trust that he would have put it right out there in the first place if he was really distraught and rebounding. He has mentioned it several times though, and seems the type to choose his topics mindfully (ie doesn't ramble on about himself.) So, next time I will ask a little more (that is if it comes up again). But for now, I'm reassured by what you've pointed out. Thanks again!

• One of the Guys 2012-03-09 14:29:03 said:

  @Liz.......Question 1: He wouldn't be mentioning his exes at all if he was trying to hide them, especially since you live far away from each other. It seems a perfect situation for a guy to have his cake and eat it too. And that's not the impression we're getting. (That's not the impression you're getting either.) The fact that he's bringing it up seems like it's open for discussion. Take his lead. If he brings it up again ask him a few questions, but if he starts to get defensive drop it. Start with innocuous questions, or make a joke: How many exes do you have? Or something. The trick is to get the info w/out sounding like you're being too nosy. However, honestly, he seems like he's really interested so it should be okay. Question 2: More and more people are meeting online. It's part of the dating landscape now. Yes, it's tricky because you really don't know him, but that's not way different than meeting a guy at a party or bar. (Unless you have mutual friends, etc.) Just proceed with caution until you really get to know him face-to-face. (Ex: if he visits, maybe don't have him stay with you right away.) But this isn't different advice we'd give to anyone getting to know someone new. Question 3: Age difference is completely fine, especially since guys take awhile to mature. :) Sometimes baggage = more experience = more interesting.

• Liz 2012-03-09 12:44:48 said:

  I'm posting this as a comment at the suggestions of The Guys. I think it related here, as it has to do with exes, and perhaps age disparities (though in a different way then OP)... Recently I met up with a guy from an online dating site. We really hit it off on the one date we had, when he came to my town for a job interview. We have so much in common, and just "get" each other in a deeper way. The date ended after many hours of talking (and a hug.) He's moving to my city for a job in about 6 months, but currently lives too far away to make visiting a practical option. So we've been emailing over the past month or so. He's clearly expressed interest and said many kind, thoughtful things. Throughout our emails we've been keeping it fairly light, but his thoughtfulness and maturity still comes across. He said he had a wonderful time and hopes to see me again when he moves to town. But a few times, in our email convos, he's mentioned the fact that he is really bothered by being contacted by ex girlfriends. And I know he went through a breakup about 6 or 7 months ago. I haven't really asked him about it, and it's hard to do so over email. If we were actually "dating" face-to-face, I would probably have asked about his ex by now. I'm starting to feel curious about the exes he mentioned, and if he's implying that he's still on the rebound from his breakup. I'm curious, do you think I should try to ask him about it in an email? It would be venturing into slightly more awkward-serious territory. But I don't want to wait a full 5-6 months to ask him, only to find out that he's nursing a broken heart or something. What do you think? In general, is it natural for men to be bothered by their exes contacting them? All signs say that he has a lot of integrity. I would expect that he would feel wrong leading me on if he's still in love with someone else. But then again, I've only met him once. Still, it feels like we're progressing and have potential. I don't feel the need to get into a full-on relationship now, since he will eventually be here face-to-face, which is so much better. Part 2 of my question- What do you think about situations in which the beginning phases are online? It's tricky, but I feel he's worth it. I'll also add that he is 5 years older than me, I'm 25 and he's 30. The age difference doesn't matter to me, but I agree that once you're in your thirties you're likely to have had more baggage/heartbreak. Many thanks, Liz

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