That butterfly feeling

Dear Guys,

Short bio about me (to get the best picture): 24, student, decently attractive brunette, in pretty good shape, smart (sometimes can be too smart for my own good), thoughtful of others, sarcastic, and get along with most everyone, no enemies, & I’m sure ya hear this a lot, but I am not your typical woman- I mean that in the sense that I am very laid back, not caddy like most, don’t easily get jealous, and won’t breathe down your neck, etc. It’s actually one of the most common comments I hear from the fellows. I do over think things and can be suspicious like most women, but the only people that know that I even feel that way are my close girlfriends that I share those thoughts with. Guys never suspect it. I’ve always been the faithful relationship type since early HS, but I haven’t had much luck lately in the last few years. I seem to most often attract or am attracted to the guys that are unavailable-whether it’s emotionally, physically, in a relationship already, commitment issues, not at that point in their life, and have even had a few stalkers…unavailable nonetheless. Have had a fair share of offers lately, but none that I was really interested in; mostly from “boys” just looking to have a casual good time with a pretty girl- not really my thing. More interested in sharing my company with a man- more mature, looking for long term, no game playing, a real honest gentleman. Not really asking a lot. You could say it’s been a little while since I’ve had those butterfly feelings for a guy.

The story: Met someone yesterday, at Goodwill of all places, he was actually volunteering by choice (yes, that story pans out). He was my age, good looking, in grad-school, was very gentleman-like, mature, smiled a lot- seemed to have pretty much every quality important to me and gave me the vibe as being at that stage where he was ready to meet someone seriously. I even noticed he was nervous (hand was a little shaky, clearing his throat) he actually dropped a book and was a little embarrassed- it was extremely adorable! I felt equally nervous and actually got the butterfly feeling for the first time in a really long time. I felt like I could say or do something so stupid at any moment. We had a decent conversation and a few laughs. When he needed to go back to work, he told me that he really would like to take me out soon and asked for my info; I gave him my contact info and said I would really like that. No games, no playing hard to get- just straight and to the point. I left shortly after, and not even an hour later, he sent me a text to affirm his intentions of taking me out and wanting to get to know me. I playfully joked about how quickly he texted me, sent a smiley face, and said I would really like that. He responded “Haha, well I have no reason to hesitate,” I said I agreed and that I was just giving him a hard time.

*THIS is where I start getting confused. He says, “Oooohhhh, you’re one of those girls.” I am thinking he is being playful back at this point. I ask him “Haha, What kind of girl is that?” and he says, “I can’t say.” I attempt to playfully continue the conversation (1 msg), but I’m left in silence after that. After an hour of nothing said in return, I start to think I said something wrong or maybe he misunderstood me. So I just calmly break the silence and say “Well, I am hoping that wasn’t implied in a negative way. Anyway, I would definitely be interested in going out sometime soon and getting to know you.” There wasn’t a response back and nor did I say anything else for the rest of the night.

This is the first time in a really long time that this has happened to me, but you could say that my brain has officially been ninja’d. I have tried not to think about it, but the scenario keeps playing over and over in my head and am so confused. By 3 PM today, I still had not heard from him, I didn’t want to be the one to text but I’m really not up for game playing, so I gave myself an excuse to go ahead and text him. I just said, “Hey there. I don’t know if you will be volunteering at Goodwill today, but I am about to stop by there here in a little bit to check out an old book on travel that I saw yesterday for a friend since they don’t get off work until 10.” 30 minutes later he replied, “Hey lady. No not volunteering, I took my boat out to the lake today. 😉 But I will take you up on going out soon.” (Which I’m also confused about, because he has seemed to turn the tables on me…don’t really know the point of doing that). So I just replied, “Oh, very nice! I’ll be doing that myself this coming weekend. Well have fun, and I will talk to you later then. :)” And that’s it.

Could you maybe give me some insight on what exactly is going on in this scenario. I guess I am just confused on why a guy that couldn’t wait even an hour after I left to contact me, and was physically nervous when talking to me, is now all of a sudden kind of giving me the cold shoulder…? I have been out of the dating game for a little while and am obviously a little rusty. Any help you could give me would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!


Dear Lindsay,

Thanks for writing.

First of all, congrats on that butterfly feeling again. That’s a lot of fun. And it sounds like he felt it too.

The rest…well, that’s a bummer. OK, first of all, texting, emailing and “Facebooking” are always ripe for problems. Without being able to read body language or hear inflections in the voice, etc. the words are open for interpretation or misinterpretation. And that’s where problems occur. This is exactly what’s happened in your case. By him. And then by you.

By his reaction he’s obviously had some bad experience with a certain type of woman he defines as, “One of those girls.” That alone shows a major lack of maturity and experience though. (We know you said he was totally cool.) But to stereotype someone before you even go on a date, joking or not, is a red flag. Or it could just be the text thing again.

So here’s our advice. Sit on it. Do not text him again. And do not let him reverse this. He should pursue you, period. Don’t go to the store. Don’t do anything. If nothing happens, chalk it up to a lesson learned. Or maybe chalk it up to bad luck. Or maybe chalk it up to, “I thought it was great, but it really wasn’t.”

If he does call and it gets weird again, bag it. Really, it’s not worth it. If you do go out, temper your excitement, and just see how it goes. It might all work itself out, but take it one step at a time.

Listen Lindsay, you sound like a cool girl, who’s got her stuff together. There are plenty of cool guys out there, who will appreciate you even if you are “one of those girls.” (Just kidding.) And what the hell does that even mean, “one of those girls???”

And as far as we’re concerned,  it’s okay if you “overthink” things occasionally, or are a bit suspicious of guys. We’ve earned our reputation. But try to keep an open mind. We’re not all like that.

Good luck and keep us posted.


ps. Maybe you should go after a nerd? Just sayin’!

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10 Comments on That butterfly feeling

  1. I was with you all the way up until that P.S. I went after a nerd last weekend and was SORELY disappointed. There’s just no winning!

    I think you did give THE best dating advice for women though. “Let THEM pursue YOU.” It’s the only way to know for sure what you’re dealing with and where it can go.

  2. Lindsay, I’ve gotten that butterfly feeling only a couple of times in my life. The first time I got it I wound up getting married and stayed with him for 45 years August 29th. The second time I met a crush from before I was married and who I had never gone out with. I was with my toddler daughter so it wasn’t the best of scenes. He was all attentive and that feeling was there, but he had a girlfriend and I had a husband. Not a good combination. The third time I got it was for a guy in my neighborhood and though I acted upon it a little I felt the guilt and he realized that I lived around the corner and my husband was a big guy who he knew. So that sort of ended before it began. I love that feeling and it means that you are really attracted to someone for some unknown reason. I chalk it up to chemistry and having things in common.

    As for this guy and you I think the problem happened when you started texting. Obviously he thought you were going to give him a hard time and as the GUYS just said, he didn’t want to go through that. Either he had just been though it or he feared it from a friend’s situation. The other possibility is that he started to think with his head and realized he had just committed a cardinal sin. He had made contact with a woman before the required amount of days. I would wait and see. Maybe he will change his mind. My husband told me that if a man wants to see a woman nothing will stop him. So if he doesn’t contact you that’s it. It wasn’t meant to be. But that butterfly feeling is the best and if he thinks about that he might contact you after all. Lovy is right. Wait and see!!!!

  3. You gave sound advice on this one, Guys. And you’re right about texting and emailing. I’ve been the victim of bad misinterpretations of what I said or whatever someone else has said. I think anyone who texts or emails had had that problem or likely will in their lifetime. Some people can’t seem to help but to jump to conclusions.

    It’s too bad that guy didn’t call Lindsay, instead of texting. At least with talking to someone on the phone, you can sometimes tell what they’re really saying by the tone of their voice. Making first connections, to me, by texting or emails, is tricky business.

  4. To have the butterfly feeling again, that would be really great! As for the guy, I really couldn’t think of a reason why he suddenly turned cold except maybe he self-sabotaged himself with over thinking too. He could have just go ahead with a meet up and let nature takes its course. And if he is playing tactic or hard to get, let him be; I hate this kind of mind playing game. I really appreciate a relationship that is open and honest.

  5. Anyone who’s being that touchy and elusive right off the bat is someone to avoid. I can foresee some big problems down the line.

  6. i’m agreeing with nothingprofound here. A guy who is quick to decide he knows what I’m thinking and then treat me that way, and not either give me a chance to let him know what I’m REALLY thinking or cutting me off and not listening to me say what I meant by whatever he took wrong…well…no thanks. I will be spending the rest of that relationship being ambushed by each “next time” he comes up with something he’s sure I’m thinking and being verbally abused, shushed and beaten down for whatever is in his head regardless of whether I was actually thinking that or not.


    Been there. DO NOT GO THERE. What we all hope to find is someone who can ask our opinions, appreciate our senses of humor, and only give us flak when we deserve it….calmly and spoken with love. Not abuse.

    Keep going Lindsay. This guy just had a nice wrapper. Probably something he learned, not what he was born with.

  7. One word for ya: RUN! Clearly, there are hours of therapy that this guy hasn’t had yet.

    But yeah, the butterfly feeling… that is nice.

  8. Fantastic advice. I definitely think she should not txt him or go to the store or contact him in any way. Let him pursue her. She shouldn’t let the butterfly feeling cloud her judgment. It’s a nice feeling but if it brings her nothing but heartache in the end it isn’t worth it.

  9. Some good advise on this one guys, great blog.

  10. Charlene that was good advice. I have those butterfly feelings for a guy at work and to nervous to talk to him. I think he feels the same way? But have to put things on hold for awhile. My husband of almost 30 yrs died last December. And the guy is a bitter divorcee. Yeah I’d run. :) Oh well timing is not always perfect is it.

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