The Ex Files; friends with benefits?

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

Are we “friends with benefits” or does he want something more?

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 


Alright Guys,

It’s been over a year since my ex and I broke up. We had a really strong connection but things only lasted for a month. In that month he told me he loved me and eventually I did too. I lost my virginity to him, so pretty much everything just moved way too fast. I broke up with him because I found out my grandma was dying from cancer and I was just a wreck. For some reason, I acted crazy. I admit that I pissed him off a lot.

Since the break up we have gone through many stages. (Cycle) He’d be mean. I’d ignore him. He’d text or call. I’d finally talk to him. We’d hook up again. Then he’d get a girlfriend. I’d get confused. He’d break up with her. I’d ignore him. Then we’d talk to clear the air some more. We’d fool around a little, etc. I’d get more confused.

Finally after this went on for a while he asked if we could be “F… Buddies.” I told him I had to think about it, but I knew deep inside that I loved the idea. He was the only guy I have ever been comfortable with physically and emotionally. Sure I’ve slept with a few guys since the break up but nothing ever felt right. I was joking and told him, “If we do this you can’t fall in love with me.” And he said, “Remember we tried that already and it didnt work?”

A week went by and he texted me and we decided to hook up. It was the best sex I’ve ever had. We didn’t talk for a while and then we saw each other at the club that we met at. This is where I got completely confused. He was all over me. (He would normally never do that in public.) He was holding my hand and constantly hugging me. Every time I would go to the bathroom he would kiss me; he had his arms wrapped around me constantly, and he wasnt trying to be sneaky. AHHHH I dont know what that means!? Being “friends with benefits” usually means emotionless sex and I just feel like he was being way too affectionate.

He is the most confusing man in the world. He asks to be my “F… buddy” but he’s only really attempted to contact me about hooking up once; he doesnt make any effort. So I need help; should I end this? Does he still have feelings for me? And why does it seem like he’s the only one who gets me? Is he just lonely?

Pleaseeee help, this has been going on for a year and I’m going crazy!


Dear Ella,

Thanks for your question, or rather questions. We’ll try to help you sort this out.

Based on many of your statements you seem to have conflicting feelings swirling inside you. On the one hand you say you want emotionless sex, but on the other hand you seem like you really want to have a deeper connection with this guy—you say ‘he’s the only one who gets you.’ So which is it? “Friends with Benefits” or deeper relationship? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Be honest. If he came to you and said, “Ella, I love you, and I’ll do anything to show you how much, let’s give a real relationship a try” what would you do? Would you be excited? Would you run for the hills? Which? Those answers should determine your course of action here.

Having said all that we doubt he’s going to come to you and say anything remotely romantic. In fact it doesn’t seem like this guy is ready to get serious about anything. He’s too busy trying to keep you off-balance, and frankly he’s doing a damn good job at it. If you really want to be involved with him on any level, be prepared to be confused and frustrated.

Also keep in mind Ella that this guy was your “first.” There’s always something extra special, or certainly extra memorable, about any first. First kiss. First Crush. First Love. First Sexual Encounter. Those memories stay with us forever and they impact all of our seconds, thirds, and fourths. But don’t kid yourself and think he’ll be the only guy you will ever have amazing sexual chemistry with. In fact we would contend that with an actual emotional connection added to the mix, you might even have a more intense physical connection with someone new.

Lastly, if you’re agreeing to have a “friends with benefits” relationship with this guy in hopes that he will eventually come around we think you should rethink that course of action. That’s a recipe for a broken heart.

There’s lots to think about Ella. The biggest question should be about what you want, not what he’s thinking. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. Readers, please jump in and give your opinions.

Good luck,


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83 Comments on The Ex Files; friends with benefits?

  1. @Harry…We’re glad. take care and keep in touch. Let us know how things are going and if we can help in the future.

  2. Hi Guys,
    I’ve had some conversations with my ex and every time i go in to them I feel strong and sure about how I feel and then he leaves me feeling so confused. He’s mentioned hooking up and invites me over ( I know what he wants) I refuse him and say, I don’t want to be friends with benefits because it puts me in the dangerous position of getting hurt and not fully being able to move on. That I don’t want to one day see him dating someone new and be sad about it but not be able to complain because I knew what I was getting myself into. He’s also mentioned “dating” again but he wouldn’t want it to be exclusive (that was our problem in the first place) because he says he only wants to date someone and have her be his girlfriend if he knows it’s someone he wants to marry. So well hello that is hurtful and I say I don’t want to casually date you just to watch you end up with someone else. He says well most couples end up hurting eachoter or cheating on eachother anyway so better to be open about it from the beginning. He says he’s not interested in anyone else or looking but he wouldn’t want either of us to be held back. And that it would be more painful to fully commit to someone and then have them meet someone new and break up with you rather then to just let that already be an option. On some levels I guess I understand but I try to explain to him that if I was dating him and sleeping with him I would not make an effort to be with anyone else and would feel committed to him and how can you ever know what someone would be like as a partner unless you see what commitment with them is like? So we basically agreed to disagree and we’ve hung out a couple times he keeps being sweet and asking me to hang out and I can tell he still wants to hook up. So the last time he texted me to hang out I told him I think that if we hang out again soon we’ll end up hooking up and that prob wouldn’t be a good idea. He said he didn’t see what the problem with that would be and said he’s putting all the effort in and if I wanted to hang out sometime i should let him know but he won’t be contacting me again.
    I know it’s lame. I know he wants sex but do guys really go through that much effort for it?! He rejected me basically said i’m not the one he wants to marry, then makes me feel bad and confuses me and tries to make me feel like i’m just not forward thinking enough. Why doesn’t he just go hook up with someone random if he wants sex that bad? I know I’m not asking anything specific yet but i just always end up so confused and it is so hard because it is so tempting to sleep with him (which now seems lame cause I realize he’s a jerk)and so hard to shut down that part of me that thinks maybe part of him wants more with me. but I’m trying to be strong, and was hoping you had some words of clarity or encouragement for me?

  3. @Charlene….We understand your dilemma. We can offer words of clarity, but no words of encouragement. Well, except that we think you’re a strong woman, and good for you. But no words of encouragement pertaining to this guy. Yes, a guy will go through huge amounts of trouble to procure sex, especially if he’s got no other potential woman around. (He doesn’t.) But he wants nothing more unfortunately. (Or maybe, fortunately) We will give him credit for being honest. That’s more than you’d get from a lot of guys, but we don’t like that he’s trying to twist this around and make you feel like you’re not progressive or something. That’s absolutely ridiculous and good for you for not taking the bait. SInce you asked—and we normally don’t do this—we say, move on. There will be plenty of guys who will want to have a serious relationship with you. But it’s not going to happen while you’re “involved” with this guy. Thoughts? Does this help? We hope so. We’re trying to be straightforward yet supportive. Ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted on what you decide to do. ps. Do us a favor? Please share our site with friends. Facebook, Twitter, Face-to-Face. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  4. Thanks guys,
    I was feeling weak and needed to hear that. We’ve been trying to be friends for awhile and sometimes it goes so well but then a little too well and he wants to hook up and I back off, he gets offended, i get confused about his and my feelings and then the cycle starts over again. Thank you for your clarity I am starting to realize that even though I’m trying to convince myself otherwise there’s still a part of me that thinks things will one day change and we will end up together because he gets so nice and sweet. It’s those moments where he puts on the charm and I think it’s cause his feelings have changed but he’s just trying to get some. I hate how easy it is to forget everything else (like the fact he doesn’t want a committed relationship) So that’s what I needed to hear, that that will never happen and it’s time to move on and end the cycle. So I do have one more question, in the past I have tried to say no to hanging out more often and just tried to ease off and slowly stop hanging out with him so it’s not so dramatic. But that hasn’t worked, he’ll just keep asking me to hang out even more and it’s hard to say no to. So should I talk to him in person and explain myself and say this relationship isn’t good for me right now? Or should I just say no to all of his invitations? Or should I say if we’re going to be friends absolutely no friends with benefits ever, that can never be an option and if you can’t deal with that than we can’t be friends. Do you have any advice on how to move on without getting sucked back into the cycle? I have a feeling he’ll be offended and say something in the moment that will make me cave.

  5. @Charlene……We think you need to cut ties with this guy. We know you care about him, but we don’t think he’s good for your self-confidence, and emotional stability. You won’t break the cycle if you keep hanging out with him, even as friends. You’ll just remain in the holding pattern you’re in indefinitely. It’s time to break free. The only way to do it is to decline his invitations. If he keeps pestering you, you need to tell him you’re moving on. Unfortunately we can’t supply with the strength to not cave, but we do think you’re strong to fend off his advances, so this is really only taking things one step further. You can do it. Let us know if we can help in any other way. And no worries about asking questions. Ask away. Take care. And thanks for sharing our site with friends.

  6. willma Smith // November 4, 2012 at 7:43 pm //

    but I do. Im not saying we should get back together again yet or anything but maybe we can talk some nights when you need me or I need know, take it slow like I always do :) <– so me and my boyfriend broke up with him dropping of a letter and driving away the. All weekend he gose out parting n Sunday texts me ^^^ that up there saying he misses me alot I'm so lost HELP!!

  7. @Willma Smith…..We’re not sure what you’re asking here. Fill us in.

  8. Am I in a friends with benefits relationship or heading to a committed one?

    First of all to the Guys,great job and very educative site. Here goes, I think I have a problem I started seeing this guy since(March)this year for 6 months now. He’s an Expatriate, he comes to work in the country were I live and go home to his country for a month or more then he comes back.

    The issue am facing is to clearly to identify whether am in friends with benefits relationship or heading to a committed one. I need to know what is happening. I met a guy at a salsa social class. We danced and I must say we immediately liked each other. Time went by and we started talking and we exchanged the numbers. We eventually went out to a salsa club, we danced and while there he later he asked me out for a drink and chat to another resturant. When we arrived, he told me he was single and he didn’t want anything serious at the time.I told him I wanted something serious, I immediately closed my hearts intentions to start anything at that time. I was immediately confused and I started wondering were this was going. He said he liked me and wanted to know more about me. Anyway we didnt stay long at the resturant we went back to the salsa club we were and for the rest of the night lets just say this got weirder. He was so close with me the entire night,were I sat there he was. He sat next to me and held hands in the presence of everyone. He even decided to drop me off home and in the end we kissed. The following days and weeks we were spending time together, he told me he had been hurt and cheated on, showed me photos of his ex. He told me things will change and will get better and when I asked him what he met after what he told me about relationship status, he just smiled said things will be different and I assumed he was ready to commit. I did’nt have sex him with until after a month towards the time he left for Germany (he’s German).

    He came back in May only for a month, we spent more time together got even closer. I noticed when I tried talking emotions he was acting guarded. I didn’t puss it, at the end of the month he left.

    We had been communicating by emails and then he started calling about three times in a week. In July he told me he was going to come back but instead he first went to bangkok for a holiday which I found out on facebook. I was so mad with him and I told him how I felt because I was looking forward to seeing him. Then I started noticing something, photos, upclose photos with one particular girl from Bangkok who he earlier showed photos to me and said she was just a friend. I didn’t ask him about her and the way the photos looked if there was something going on. Deep down I believed something was happening. So I decided to ask him why he behaved that way and whether our relationship was a commited one or just play. He just told me he wants to be single and doesn’t want a relationship and that he intially warned me at the begining but he still wanted to keep seeing me and obviously sleeping with me as he said I was so far at the time the best sexual match. I was so mad and I told him I felt led on as he knew exactly where I was at interms of being used. I had earlier told him I wanted something solid not a player. On his own he confessed before I asked him, he had a friend with benefits arrangement with the girl from Bangkok, this even made me more mad. I was so upset with him and asked him whether this was serious, he told me he would never marry her. That even left me more confused. I told him to carry on this this player life and to leave me alone but he told me he wanted us to talk after he got back.

    He came back we spent time together and I was waiting for him to bring up the issue and guess what he was avoiding that discussion. I asked him what kind of a relationship we had but he just told me he was not ready to say because it would spoil everything at that moment. I let it go and then a few weeks passed I asked him again what kind of a friend I was to him? He didn’t answer. I didnt push it and so I stopped. He left in October and last week he sent me a message saying he was going to Bangkok again and he didn’t want me freaking out if I saw more photos of him there. I just told him I was thankful for letting me know and that he should enjoy himself but deep down am worried he will cheat with the Bangkok girl. He has written to me but now am mad, confused and I don’t know what to do whether to write back or end what we have or to talk and him telling me where I stand. I am in love with him I know but I don’t want to get hurt again as I was in a bad relationship for 6 years where my ex cheated repeatedly. I made sure I healed my heart break before I started dating. My self esteem was messed up back then and now I’ve got it together I don’t want my to go through that again.

    He will be coming back in December this year and I have to sort this issue out before I get my heart broken. So I need an outside eye from mans point of view.

    I need your help, do you see a future for me with this guy?

  9. @Mandy……We responded in the other post you commented on. “Are we Friends with Benefits or does he want something more?”

  10. I would love to get an outside perspective of my fwb relationship. Back story we met at work almost three years ago. We’re very flirty from the beginning but he was just getting out of a relationship with his baby momma – they couldn’t commit to each other and ended up breaking up right after we started working together – he constantly told me that in had nothing to do with the breakup and that it was over after their daughter was born years ago and they only reason they stayed together was for her but realized that wasn’t fair to anyone so they ended it. After months of flirting and hanging out as much as possible (literally would only be apart when we went home to sleep) we decided to try a relationship. We rushed into it and we realize that now. After “dating” for 2 years we ended it. However we haven’t ended the sexual side of the relationship. Hence the spot I’m in now. He is staying with me now and at first I told him that I didn’t want to hook up – I’m not over the relationship and I just end up confused. But once again we have fallen back into sleeping together. I have never been a believer of a fwb relationship I think they are nothing but a ball of confusion. So I guess my only real question is if he knows how I feel about it why does he want to continue this type of relationship!? He is constantly trying to reassure me I’m the only one he’s sleeping but I think there are too many feelings left betwe

  11. Sorry hit post before I was done :)

    I think there are too many feelings left between us how can I make him understand how I feel about it!? I’m starting to think its sleep with him or loose him completely and I know I do not want him gone. He is my best friend but I think sleeping together will just end up leaving us more hurt.

    I should mention we broke up because I know I want a committed a serious relationship. I want to get married and have my babies the whole 9 while he doesn’t believe in marriage. We have a complete opposite life growing up I guess. (My parents were together until my dad died – I grew up around all the married couples – he was opposite his parents have been divorced for years and still to this day are fighting and bickering over nothing)

    Is there any clean way out of this or have I dug myself too deep?

  12. @Just me…….We’re sorry. This is tough. But you’ve definitely made things more difficult for yourself. But we understand. Breakups are complicated and hard. And don’t feel badly. This kind of thing happens all of the time. There is a clean way out. Break up and be strong. End the FWB immediately because having sex with him isn’t going to make him want what you want, and it’s only going to make you more sad, confused, and eventually resentful and angry. Yes, it’s easier said than done, and it will be very sad at first, but in the end you’ll be saving yourself a lot of pain and heartbreak. Because you’re in a holding pattern right now, and will be until you make the clean break. Your thoughts? Any more questions? Ask away. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  13. Hii guys, I’m quite confused myself, I dated this guy when I was in highschool, he was my first boyfriend, and I was instantly attracted to him the first time I saw him and it was obvious for him aswell. We got along soo well, but then there were some issues and problems because I was in my senior year and was partying alot, and his friends were giving him s*** for that. Because he used to be such a party person and being with me he changed, not because I asked him to though! Anyways he decided to tell me one day that he couldnt deal with everything anymore that I was being too mean with him, and he was too hurt, ect. I do accept I was. I wasnt mature enough and wasnt ready for a serious relationship like the one he wanted. At times tooo serious. Well the years passed, and he just started to like call me, text me all the time, to see me, and we’d fool around, have sex. I wouldnt call him ever or text him, he would always keep doing it though. I started dating, and he would still call and once I felt like he wanted to get back together but I was afraid and avoided it also because i had a boyfriend at the time. I still do, and what I dont understand is how much time has passed and why does he still call or text even when he knows I’m avoiding them. When I went on vacations w my bf , he then started calling and since it was a new number i answered and he was like hii and trying to be nice, i was very short and kind of mean bc my bf was near, and later that day he was like I want to go there next summer will you come with me, so i said i dont know. He’s had different girlfriends and tells me about them when he calls, eventually they break up but i dont understand if hes in a relationship why does he keep calling me? whEN I see pictures of him I miss him, and still have feelings for him, but I’m not sure how to feel… Bc i have a very loyal boyfriend, and dont want to screw it up w my ex just because he keeps calling and makes me uncertain. Even when he doesnt call I sometimes miss him. But Im not sure really what he feels.. If he really still cares or its something else..or just wants sex? or I dont know really… what do you think?? Thanks in advancee..

  14. @Lolita…….You didn’t mention what you actually want from your ex. If he was into you would you break up with your boyfriend and go back out with him? Do you still want to be with him? Let us know what you’re thinking and we’ll get back to you.

  15. Hii guyss, well sometimes I wish we were back together to how things used to be, but then sometimes I feel maybe things wouldnt work out if they didnt before. Also he tends to be a a bit immature and childish, I’ve found so many good traits I want in a partner in my current boyfriend, although I find Im not really attracted to him physically so sometimes I feel like I need more u know? And well with my ex I’m sooo still atracted to him..soo I really dont know? At first I actually didnt want to date him, and he just kept on pursuing me till finally we started going out…My sex with my current boyfriend is muuch better and its the best Ive had, but we aren’t that intimate as we were with my ex, like we almost never kiss!! I feel thats not normal for having been in a relationship for so long, we’ve been together for 2 yrs now… And I felt like we were closer with my ex, like he’d really listen where as my bf I feel is like always busy on his phone w work or friends..So I really dont know, if sometimes I’m still w my bf because hes nice to me, always there for me and everything,bc I still wish sometimes I’d be close to my ex..I also fear sometimes that it wouldnt work out,maybe its because aswell I’ve become soo used to the rutine w my bf so what do u think?? thankss

  16. @Lolita……Here’s our take. You’ve created a fantasy about your ex-boyfriend. What you’ve done is project all the great qualities from your current boyfriend onto your ex. So now your ex is all the things you remember—sexy, hot, deep–plus he has all the things your new boyfriend has. We don’t think reconnecting with your ex is the answer. That’s just going to be frustrating and probably end up being similar to how it was the first time. (Seriously) We have two suggestions: 1. Refocus your efforts onto your current boyfriend. Is is that you’re not that attracted to him, or is it that you feel you’re not as intimate as you’d like to be? (No kissing, etc.) Because on the one hand you say you’re not that attracted to him, and then on the other hand you say it’s the best sex you’ve ever had. Somehow those two statements don’t add up. 2. It seems like what your “perfect man” is, is a combination of your ex, and your current boyfriend. Right? That’s also fantasy. We’re not saying your current boyfriend is THE ONE. But if you break up with him, the next guy is going to have some great qualities and some other qualities you’re not sure about. What it comes down to is conscious choice. Sure you need to be attracted, etc. etc., but choosing a partner is about choosing their good qualities and not so good qualities, and then making it work. If you’re not willing to do that with your current boyfriend, we’d suggest moving on. But getting back with your ex is not the answer. What do you think? ps. We do hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. Share on Facebook or other social networking sites. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  17. Hey guys,
    I don’t have the ‘friends with benefits’ problem, but I do have an ex-related one and it’s taking toll on my physical as well as mental well-being

    I dated him for 8 months and during that 8 months I let him into my social circle which included my little sister. They texted each other as friends, he showed me the texts lost of times, but I still hated it. Me and my sister have that kind of relationship, where she’s my best friend, confidant and my ‘person’

    But my sister is a very cold,distant person and she tends to sit with a miserable expression, she doesn’t even listen when a person talks(sometimes gets up and walks away mid-conversation) and she’s selfish. Note she is 19. And if she doesn’t get her way, she goes crazy. I think she’s still stuck in her adolescent phase.

    We had a huge fight about them being sdo buddy-buddy, and she told me she was seriously hurt at my perception of her. That I could think that she would try to steal him away was a hurtful an ridiculous suggestion,she’d never do that.

    Now my ex broke my heart. I still love him dearly and I was holding out for a chance at a reunion with him, since I stupidly hoped he’d remembered that I really gave all of me in our relationship. After the breakup he told me he liked my sister and the feeling was mutual.

    Now this broke my trust in her completely, I kind of feel like I hate her, that if I never speak to her or see her again, it would be too soon.

    My ex still keeps me as a friend and keeps asking me to accept this new twist. But I can’t, its impossible watching someone you still love, go onto someone so quickly, so close to home.

    I’m selfishly hoping she hurts him, as she’s never been in a real relationship and the guys she did like, she only flirted for 3 weeks, got bored and moved on. I mean she’d rather sit at home or sleep than go out with guys, I don’t think she’s even been on a date before. She also gets annoyed at guys wanting attention from her.

    The thing is, she’s a child still. But I still can’t just roll over and pretend all is well when my heart is still sore over the whole breakup. And I promised him I’d be there for him, be a ear or a shoulder for him.

    Now tomorrow we’re having breakfast. Me and him and I really don’t know what to expect. I’m tired of talking about this as it only makes it worse. I feel like I’ve been thrown away to rot, to be replaced. And this after I opened my heart completely to him.

    How do I go about this? Am I so wrong for not accepting it?

  18. So I had a whirlwind of a relationship with my most recent ex… He literally swept me off my feet and I felt in love with him after 48 hours of meeting him… we talked for a week or so then ended things then we got back together again and two weeks later he ended things.. then a few weeks later we got back togther then he ended things again… I saw him last weekend and we ended up hooking up .. is so out of my elemennt to even think about sleeping with an ex because I know the how much it could hurt me . I just feel really comfortable with him and he makes me feel so amazing.. I see no chance of us getting back together..Is there a way to make him my sex buddy and still get over him relationship wise?

  19. @Cristen……NO. You’ll just be fooling yourself and putting yourself at emotional risk. We advise against it. Move on.

  20. So my ex broke up with me and I still have feelings for him, shortly after the breakup he showed interest in a housemate, also a very close friend. They are sort of dating, but she never makes any effort to see him and looks for excuses not too each time. She likes a life of comfort, being at home on weekends rather than out and she tends to be a cold person who is a bit too self-righteous and self involved to be in a relationship. She’s 21 and has never been in a real relationship as she gets bored or irritated with having to sacrifice her time/space for someone. That being said she seems disgusted with sex and thus is still a virgin. Nothing wrong with that, its just that this guy is kind of expecting a sexual relationship. She’s not going to give it to him.

    Now me and my ex have been hooking up, not that much, but still. He keeps texting me telling me that he ‘craves’ for me and it has happened that I gave in. I guess this is my feelings stupidly, naively taking over? Anyway, we have sexted in the past but last night it went to a whole new level and instead of sending me a nude picture of himself he sent it to her by mistake and immediatly told her it was a mistake, he made up some story to cover it up.

    She is disgusted and offended by the image it seems and has now stopped talking to him. He told me this. I know I’m just a booty call to him, but I still feel ashamed and guilty.

    My friend knew I loved this guy, and when he broke up I kind of started to hate her, but I don’t want to hurt her either. I am confused and when it comes to him I’m too much of a pushover. What do I do?

  21. @Mandy………You don’t need to say anything to her. It doesn’t sound like they are dating exclusively. And it’s over between them anyway. We see no point as it was his mistake, not yours. Our question is: Why are either of you sending nude pictures via text/email/however? That’s a very bad idea. So our first suggestion is to stop that immediately. Our second suggestion is move on from this guy. Maybe you like the attention and/or the sex now, but as this goes on you’re going to grow more and more frustrated, confused, angry and eventually hurt.

  22. I was abused by this guy a while ago and ended the relationship, later on I started having feelings for this other man and he started liking me too, although when he found out what had happened in my past relationship he jumped to the conclusion that I was having sex with the other guy and decided not to be with me anymore. He started mentioning my past relationship and details about it constantly, then he suddenly stopped and we seemed to get closer again, he later texted me saying he still liked me and he never stopped, that he was just too shy to admit it, I admited that I still had feelings for him too and things went up from there, he called every night and we would talk for hours, hed call when he was drunk with friends saying he liked me over and over again. Then it stopped suddenly again I heard he started liking someone else so I tried moving on too, it didn’t really work, well it was starting too until he called me yesterday and wanted to know about this guy who kept on talking to me, he kept on saying he wanted to hurt him because he was a flirt and we had a huge argument, I found it unfair because he did the exact same thing. he started calling me a player claiming I left him for the other guy which I hadn’t we spoke for hours and then he asked if I wanted to be friends with benefits with him, he was serious, and is very persistant on getting an answer I don’t know what to do because he would be my first and I don’t know if I want that. What do I do? What do you think? Because I definitely can’t figure out what to do. I don’t know what to think because he kept on promising wed hang out and we never did and now that the friends with benefits idea came out he set a time and date as quickly as possible and also told me if I wasn’t ready to go all the way right away its okay and that wed take it slow. What does that mean? I’m also scared if he tells anyone, if he just uses me once and that’s it. I feel kind of like a slut if I agree to this but then again I want to see how itd be like. I also find it weird that I’m on edge about having a friends with benefits but I’d be fine if we were dating secretly is there a reason why? Both of them still lead to sex.

  23. I’m gonna try and get straight to the point here! so I dated this guy for 3 months and we got serious too fast. he randomly broke up with me over a text message, yeah I KNOW. well it’s not untill two days ago that I found out the real reason why he dumped me. His reason was because he’d spend all of his free time with me and he started loosing a lot of friends. He said he just needed space but he didn’t know how to ask for it. anyway he said he can’t picture us in a relationship anymore and it would be to difficult to try again and that his family would give him a lot of problems, which I don’t understand because his family loved me, but mine didnt realy like him. anyway he said whenever he tries getting physical with someone I always pop into his head and stop him. he said he still has feelings but a relationship would be too much. he then offered friends with benefits which I turned down because I felt was to disrespectful for myself. I want to be with him in a relationship, not friends with benifits. I don’t know what to do because I’m the kind of girl where it’s either you have me or you don’t, there’s no in between. please help! thanks GUYS!

  24. oh and I forgot to say that this is 2 months after our break up! I have a feeling that we are gonna end up back together but not anytime soon. he said he’ll always love me deep down and what not. right now he just wants sexual things an I don’t want my body being used for that. thanks again

  25. @Victoria……Our advice: Don’t get into a FWB. And don’t have sex with a guy because you think it might lead to something else. It won’t. This whole situation makes us feel a bit uneasy.

  26. @Jazz…..He’s playing you. This is going nowhere. Time to move on. And don’t get into a FWB. The fact that he even offered that should tell you his true intentions.

  27. Well I told him no and he started freaking out a friend of mine and myself got into a lot of trouble this year and hung out with the so called “wrong people” we did things we weren’t proud of but we made amends with our past. When he heard I said no he brought up all the things we did and how he had proof of all of it and he wouldn’t tell anyone about it if I agree to the FWB and to not tell anyone..I’m breaking that right now, I don’t know what to do he has a lot on us that could get us into serious trouble, guys, what do you think?

  28. @Victoria………You do realize this is blackmail? We’re not sure what’s going on, but he doesn’t sound like the kind of person you should get involved with. But this is your call. We can’t speak to the “other” stuff you mention or what kind of trouble you could get into. That part is above our pay grade. Good luck. And try to make good decisions.

  29. Ive hooked up with this friend of mine back in my hometown at a party. Now Ive moved to London and we met. We hooked up again and spent the night together. We didn’t have sex. I just have a quick question that is annoying me. While I had just started giving him a head, he stopped me.. stood up and went to the bathroom. Why is that? Was it because i was bad at it?

  30. I’ve been reading all of the questions and comments about friends with benefits and I’m still just as confused. My story is that I met a great guy who made me feel special and beautiful. After 3 months of dating he told me that he loved me and that he had loved me since the day he met me. I felt the same way. Being with him made me feel like I had always known him. We met family and met each other’s children. We planned a life together. After 8 months the fall rolled around and he broke up with me stating that he felt guilty for spending time with his boys (who live with their mom) and not with me and my girls and vice versa. He said that he was afraid that in 2 years I would wake up and resent him for missing out on my girls’ lives and having to choose. He decided to be selfish and let me go because he was feeling pulled in different directions and couldn’t give enough to everybody. He said I deserved someone who had more time for me. We continued to talk every once in a while and slept together a few times. After a few times he asked if I would be interested in a friends with benefits relationship because that’s all he had time for. He said that he was just too busy for anything else. After one time I called it quits. This was the man that I was in love with and I told him that I couldn’t be demoted to just someone he slept with. I never heard from him. If we saw each other out and about we couldn’t even say hi. Childish I know. So he soon after found a girlfriend. That was 6 months ago. A few days ago out of the blue I get a text from him stating that he wishes we could have been able to keep our friends with benefits connection but that it didn’t matter now. I asked him why it didn’t matter and he stated that he had heard that I was in a friends with benefits relatonship with someone already. I told him that was untrue and he proceeded to ask a lot of questions about it. After I swore that I was not sleeping with anyone he asked if I wanted to come over. Out of curiousity I did. We talked for hours and it felt just like it always had. He asked about my family and my girls and about my life. He told me about his. We joked and laughed and he even picked on me. We are both sarcastic people. One thing led to another and we slept together. It was after that he asked me if I wanted to have a friends with benefits relationship because he was just too busy for anything else. He said that since he works nights and his boys are so involved in sports that we could meet once in a while because that’s all he really has time for since our schedules are so different. He said that we should develop rules and text each other. I text him and said that I just want to have fun. I have not heard from him. He told me that if he doesn’t get back to me right away that I can’t get mad because he is so busy. What is the deal with this man? Why is he my one weakness? Does he want me in his life but really doesn’t have time? It seems that this may be a pattern for him to break up with women this time of year. But why contact me after so much time? Was he just jealous when he heard I was sleeping with someone? Which I wasn’t. Any guy insight would be so appreciated.

  31. So in addition to the reply I just made- when he asked for a friends with benefits relationship he said that he didn’t like to share so his rule is that neither one of us is going to sleep with anyone else.

  32. @Rachel…..Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it. And just so you know. This may be one of the last questions we answer. Our site will be coming down soon. Sorry. So to your question: This is a classic case of a guy not wanting to put the time and/or energy into a serious relationship, but yet, he still wants the benefits that come with all of that: Sex. That’s really it in a nutshell. You might be wondering why he keeps contacting you, and with such a long break in the middle? Probably because his other source of sex dried up and he figured he’d be able to weasel back into your life. And he was right. So really Rachel, this comes down to you. What do you really want? If it’s a committed relationship then you’re not going to get it from this guy. For whatever reason that’s not what he wants. He says it’s because he’s so busy, but trust us, that’s only part of the reason. Basically he just doesn’t want to get tied up in another serious relationship. We’re not blaming him. He’s got to do what he’s got to do. And at least he’s being honest with you. But he’s going to keep trying to get you to succumb by any means he can. So in the end, if that’s not what you want, then you’re going to have to be the one to cut ties. Because we don’t see this changing. Sorry. Take care. ps. Last point: This is a guy thing. Once a guy has sex with a woman, if the sex was at all decent, and sometimes even if it wasn’t, he’ll be open to having sex with her again at any point, a week, a month, a year, or twenty years down the road. Don’t let yourself get caught in a holding pattern. That’s what FWB do.

  33. I just want sex but he’s scared.
    We dated for a couple months but I broke it off because he wouldn’t give in emotionally, he wouldn’t let himself get close. Well a month ago we hung out and ended up having sex (for the first time). It was great and I really want to hook up again. But again I get the feeling that he is scared. Like he will fall for me and doesn’t want that. I’m cool either way. I have no problem keeping sex and emotions separate but if he wants to try the relationship thing again, I’d go for it. But really I just want him sexually.
    On a side note… We talk about our fantasies about bondage. He tells me about things he would do to me and it really turns me on. But when I ask when we are gonna make it happen, he backs off big time!
    I just wanna have fun.

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6 Trackbacks & Pingbacks

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