Was breaking up with him the right thing to do?

Posted by One of the Guys on July 27th, 2011and was filed in Relationship Advice: Question/Answer with your chance to leave the first comment

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Dear Guys,

I recently broke up with this guy for many reasons, but I still have the urge to go back to him even though all my friends don’t like him. I’m 21 and he’s 25. We dated for almost a year and during that time he never introduced me to his friends, but always saying he eventually would. (And since I couldn’t be out later at night it was hard because they always met up so late.) He would also ignore me for days when he didn’t want to tell me something. He didn’t show up to my birthday party or wish me a ‘Happy Birthday.’ And when I tried to break it off he said he was scared to tell me he couldn’t make it to my party which I had told him about weeks in advance. And then he asked me for another chance and said he would never ignore me again; and he said he would change because I meant a lot to him.

Well things were good for the first two weeks but a month later he was ignoring me again for no reason and this time I texted him and ended things. He had always told me that I was different from any other girl he dated and he was learning from his mistakes. But how long do I keep giving him a chance?

Is it true, that if he really cared he would come back, or am I just holding on to false hope that he ever did care?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry about your situation. Break ups are difficult, especially if you’re questioning whether or not you did the right thing.

First of all it’s important to listen to your friends. If all of them are saying the same thing, that should tell you something. Remember, if they are truly good friends they want the best for you, which means they want you to be happy. If you meet some great guy in the future, it’s likely your friends will be excited for you, and do what they can to support you. Sure, they might get jealous initially because a new person in your life means they’ll have less time with you. But eventually they will come around when they realize how happy you are. But that’s not what’s going on here. They universally don’t like this guy, and that’s a big red flag. (You should watch our video on this topic. “Listen to your friends” See our Video Page)

Another red flag is the fact that he ignores you. How does it make you feel? Ignoring you puts him in a position of power and gives him control over you. And it’s no way to behave in a relationship. In fact we can’t think of anything more upsetting AND maddening than being ignored, and not being listened to. It’s one thing to not return a phone call because work is crazy, and your boss is on your case. It’s another thing to return calls or texts only when you feel like it. Maybe this guy is learning from his mistakes, but in our book, this is Common Sense 101. Communication is so important in any relationship, and your guy has a long way to go in this department.

We’ve gotten several questions over the past year involving a situation where one person in the relationship was not being introduced to family and friends of the other person. And what we’ve said is: Anyone who’s excited about their boyfriend or girlfriend should be shouting about the new relationship from the rooftops. Which means, we can’t think of any good reason for your guy NOT to be introducing you to his friends and family. Going out late is not an excuse. In fact, taking this a step further, we’d think he’d want to elicit his friends’ opinions about you if he was serious about the relationship. So Jessica, we hope this might give you some sense of his level of commitment to you and your relationship.

We can’t tell you what you should do, but we hope this gives you a clearer, more objective viewpoint of your situation.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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