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Some recent questions:
I married my husband about 18 months ago. We had only been together for 6 months when he proposed – he tells me he was “so in love with me” and he was the first man I dated after a 12 year marriage. Two months after we got engaged, I got pregnant. We still got married and had our daughter. Unfortunately, the month before our daughter was born his “friends” started being rude etc (calling me out on public social networks) because he had a fight with them. I apparently was the cause. When our daughter was born he went to the “friends” begging for their forgiveness – I felt betrayed that he would do that to me. I told him this and he said that I was being ridiculous and dismissed my concern. He no longer talks to them. (By his choice)
We have had a number of issues since January of this year:
a) He closed his company and is no longer earning the same amount as before. I am now carrying the burden of “our” joint debt as well as having to pay for his car payments, insurance etc
b) He works any and all hours that are available and leaves me raising our kids. I have to pretty much beg him to help.
c) A month ago I found condoms in an overnight bag. I asked him about it and he was very very upset and angry with me. Asking me how could I ever accuse him of cheating on me. A week later, I found a condom in his console of his truck while helping him look for something. I was so hurt and upset and figured that maybe our marriage was done. He threatened me that “there would be no turning back.” A week after that incident that condom is missing. (I put money in console and noticed it was missing.) When he found out I knew, he told me that he threw it out because I was so upset. But he hasn’t gotten rid of the condoms in the overnight bag? I am totally confused. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else and he got very hurt and upset with me. He tells me that I should know and how could I even imagine that? He tells me that if I don’t trust him then we have serious problems.
d) Our sex life doesn’t exist. We have had sex twice in the last 2 months. When I ask him about it, he blames it on: the fact that he is tired, I don’t make an effort in any way (either appearance wise with the appropriate lingerie), and I don’t make any gestures that I am interested. We never have had “a lot of sex” since we dated. In the prime of our relationship it might have been once a week maximum. He then tells me that he is disappointed because I tease him and tell him that I might go out and get lingerie.
e) I mention to him about counseling and he tells me that “if we need counseling then we have SERIOUS marriage issues”… He then tells me that we don’t.
f) I ask him if he loves me and he gets very upset and angry- telling me that he would do anything for me and our daughter and he is tired of having to keep on telling me. He tells me that he loves me more than life itself and that I’ll ever know.
g) He reminds me of how I have changed – I don’t make lunches for him etc
h) He gets angry if I call him at work – Tuesday night when I called to ask him when he would be home (he left at 8:30am and when I called him it was 9pm) “when he was tired.”
So, if he loves me why is he doing this?????
Thanks for your question. We’re not sure what he’s actually doing? Or is it what he’s not doing? Let’s try and figure this out.
We can see how you’d be suspicious, but finding condoms in his truck or his overnight bag is not enough to incriminate him. Were they always there and you just never noticed them? Was this overnight bag something he used to bring to your place? Sometimes guys have old condoms lying around just out of habit. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating. (We’re not saying the possibility isn’t there, what we’re saying is, in order to answer this question we’re going to take him at his word. It’s up to you whether you do. And you would know that better than us. But everything we say here is based on taking him at his word.)
Let’s start with the sex. It’s very common for a couple’s sex life to decrease a bit once life consumes them. If you only had sex once a week in your prime courting time, it only makes sense for you to be having even less sex now. Also, your husband is now working odd hours, you also have a kid, and you have bills to pay. By the end of the day he’s probably wiped out and possibly overwhelmed with trying to foot his share of the load. It only makes sense that he’s not that interested in sex. Also, if you’re constantly asking him to prove his love and loyalty that’s probably contributing to his general lack of interest.
FYI: Many guys have a higher libido in the morning. Any chance you can rearrange your day and make this happen? With so much on your collective plate, you might need to mix it up a bit. Get creative. Try new things, new times of the day, new places, etc.
If your husband truly loves you like he says he does then your constant mistrust of him, AND his love, is seriously undermining your relationship. (We don’t know him, so once again we’ll take him at face value.) It can get tiring to have to prove to someone over and over how much you love them. And in your case it’s more a reflection of your own insecurity rather than his lack of love. We do agree with you that counseling, or seeing someone as a couple so you can voice your feelings, might not be a bad thing, but at the same time, it’s pretty typical that guys will be resistant to this sort of thing, especially if he doesn’t understand why you don’t trust him.
The only way you can make this work is to start trusting him Lola. And if you don’t trust him then you need to rethink your commitment to him and the relationship. But until you know for sure that he’s doing something unsavory, we think you need to do everything you can to hold up your end of the relationship. And then of course it’s up to him to do the same.
We do wish you the best and hope you can work this out. We don’t like to see families break apart.
ps. Let your friends know about us.