Why did he cry when he’s the one breaking up?
Posted by One of the Guys on February 19th, 2012and was filed in long distance relationships, Relationship Advice: Question/Answer, relationships with 10 responses, what do you think?
Other Questions about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:
He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do the long distance dance?
I didn’t want the divorce; how do I get him back?
This girl is confusing me; what do I do?
Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance?
Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?
Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me?
Getting back together; is it possible?
__________________________
Dear Guys,
I met this guy a year ago on a business event. However, we live in different countries about three hours flight away. But since he traveled to my country for work occasionally, I would see him. He spent almost seven months pursuing me. (He flew to my country to spend his birthday with me. And last Sept he flew in again to celebrate my birthday. I was touched).
For those seven months he flew almost every two weeks to visit me, or if I was in nearby cities for business trips he would fly there to see me. I would say I was happy being with him and he doted on me. We had a great time together every time we met.
However things started to change when he was facing some issues in his career. Many things happened in his company and he became very stressed. Then he was away for two months from last December, but he flew to see me before his long trip of visiting his family in Xmas and work meetings in the US. During his absence he kept in contact with me every day by text messages, sending me pics, or calling me sometimes. I completely left him alone to enjoy his free time and holiday. It was mostly him contacting me every day.
Two weeks ago he finished his trip and he flew to see me immediately. When I saw him I noticed he was not happy. We then had a conversation and he told me all his issues about work and why is he stressed. He cannot find any satisfaction in his current career anymore and he may have a chance to move to other company. He’s totally lost. The first time I saw all the sorrows on his face I tried to comfort him. Then suddenly he told me he would like to be alone that night and it was fine with me as I understood he wasn’t in any romantic mood; I left him alone.
Next day we met for lunch and I felt something was wrong. I was right. Out of the blue he told me that he can’t be in a relationship now. He said he’s not in any romantic mood and it’s unfair for him to drag me into this as he wants me to be happy. I didn’t say anything as I tried to be calm and listen to his concerns. Then he started to cry. He said his biggest concern is causing me to be unhappy. He said he feels sick and his stomach hurts thinking of that. He told me how incredible and beautiful I am and he said he is not happy with himself and he won’t be able to make me happy. And he wants me to be happy. He said I deserve happiness which he is lacking it right now. He needs to figure out his work situation.
I was very calm and of course I cried too when I saw him cry. But he cried more than I did. Then we had a very long conversation, not about our relationship but instead about his own issues and what makes him unhappy in general. I was very patient and attentive. He told me everything and was very open and honest with me. He then said he feel much better after our chat and he appreciated very much my help and understanding. He said he doesn’t want to lose me in his life as a friend and asked me if I was planning on disappearing from his life. I told him I will be here to support him. (I didn’t tell him regardless how hard it is to me as my heart aches, but how can I say no to him?)
Guys, why does he want to break up with me when it’s clearly difficult and hurts himself and me? Why doesn’t he want me to go through this difficult time with him instead of letting me go? I would love to share his ups and downs and I want to be next to him and support him. I understand he doesn’t know where is he going in the future, but distance never seemed to be an issue for us from the very beginning.
What do you guys think I should do and what’s the possibility of both of us getting back together? I have not been in contact with him since that day because I know space is what he needs right now. I would appreciate it if you can give me some insights to what’s going on. My heart aches but I am leaving him alone for good….
Thanks guys,
Evol
Dear Evol,
Thanks for your question. We’re sorry your heart is aching so much right now. It sounds like this guy really cares about you, which is why he was crying even though he was breaking up. We’ll try and explain.
In general, a guy’s ego is closely linked to his career. And even though these days some men are choosing to spend more time at home with their kids, most men still connect their self-worth with their ability to provide, which means their job is very important to them. So, when your guy says he’s lost and doesn’t want to drag you into it, he’s not lying. He definitely seems like the kind of guy that needs to have all his ducks in a row when it comes to his job.
If you were going through a career crisis you might look to your friends, your family, and your boyfriend to support you. But most guys handle this type of situation differently than women. They isolate themselves and try to figure it out on their own. They either feel guilty because they no longer are bringing home the type of money they were, angry because they were mistreated at work, or worthless because they don’t know what to do. And some guys feel all of the above. Your guy doesn’t want to lean on you because he doesn’t want to show weakness to you. He wants you to think of him as strong and successful. We know you don’t care about all of that and you love him how he is, but that doesn’t change the way he feels inside.
The best that you can do right now is be a sounding board if he calls you and wants to talk. Let him know that you will support him if he needs support. But pushing the relationship right now might not be the best plan. He wants space.
However, having said all that, the way he’s handled this should at least make you pause and question how reliable he might be in a long term relationship. Even if he comes back after he solves his current career situation, can you really trust a guy that breaks up with you when the going gets tough? Yes, guys like to isolate themselves to solve problems but that doesn’t mean they actually break up with their woman. That poses another question. What’s the real reason for the break up? Is it because of his job situation or is it something else? That’s the question you need to figure out. Unfortunately you’re going to have to wait for a bit before you get that answer.
We do think at some point he’s going to want to talk about everything, and explain more about what’s been going on with him. And that would be a good time for you to tell him how you’ve been feeling and what you need from him as a partner. Remember, your relationship should be a two way street where you’re both giving and both receiving.
We hope this works out for you. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond in comments section as well.
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Tagged with: break up questions • break ups • breaking up • dating advice • Dating questions • getting back together • guy's perspective on relationships • guy's point of view on relationships • long distance relationships • men in relationships • relationship advice • relationship questions
Dear guys,
Thanks for your help and I feel much better than before. I understand the situation and you guys are right that I should also question myself if he’s the guy who I need in long term relationship. I don’t know if there’s some other reason behind for this break up, but I know he’s the guy who doesn’t want to get married and doesn’t believe in marriage because of his friends are either divorced or in an unhappy marriage.. Do you guys think can this be the reason that he wants to quit before the relationship getting serious?
Personally I don’t really care about marriage, I mean I would rather go with the flow instead of focus on a piece of paper. I don’t resist nor insist, that’s why I accepted him.
I have nothing to complain the time we were together, he was nice and sweet to me, he did what he should do as a boyfriend, we had a great time and memory. I am glad we were once together and the memory will always be kept in my heart, and I am sure will be in his too….
Thank you guys, you guys are great and I will sure share your site with my friends. I may need your help again in the future
Stay cool guys.
Cheers,
Evol
@Evol…..Thanks for your note. We’re glad we could help. We do know a few guys who never want to get married citing their friends’ divorces and unhappy marriages. And while we understand that almost 50% of marriages seem to fail—at least in the US—we can’t help think something else is going on for these guys besides their friends’ experiences. Some people just don’t want to get married and frankly it has little to do with their observations of their friends. It’s just them. You’re right that marriage is a piece of paper, but going through the process of getting married does feel different than just committing to someone. And while there are no guarantees in life, it’s also hard to know if something is right or wrong without trying it. Many people have differing opinions on many different topics. That’s what makes the world go round we guess. Take care and best to you. Keep in touch.
I had been seeing a guy for a year and a half and he just recently broke up with me.
He has rarely shown any negative emotions to me besides minor frustration about work and little things like that. However when he broke up with me he was crying hysterically. He said that he “fell in love” and “you have no idea how hard it is for me.” (he meant to break up). I tried to be comforting and said that I really cared for him and really liked him so I was happy that he found someone that he really loved (and yes, it was really hard to say to him). His only reply was “yeah, we’ll see how long this lasts.” He said that he really wanted to stay friends and visit each other once things “calmed down”. He also said that he didn’t “choose this” meaning his falling in love. All of his choice of words seemed so off, especially for someone who had just fallen in love.
I was really concerned so I emailed him and told him how I’d always be there for him if he needed anything at all or just wanted to talk. He still keeps in touch but he ignores questions like “how are you?”. I know guys hate talking about feelings and stuff like that but I really am worried and I don’t understand why he would be so upset when he should have been happy to have met some other girl. Am I reading too much into this?
@Violet……..The fact is he left to be with another girl. That’s the bottom line no matter how he reacts to the break up. It’s obvious he really cares for you but didn’t feel the way he wanted to feel. So he was sad to break up with you. He probably also felt very guilty about it. Probably still does. So that’s why he’s acting the way he is. We think it’s time to move on. You deserve to be with someone who thinks you’re amazing and isn’t even open to falling in love with someone else. It will happen. Good luck.
Hmm… where do I begin?
I’ve had a crush on one of my closest friends. It’s a crush that has been going back and forth, because her guy friends always “flirt” with her (hug from behind, tease, slaps her butt…) so everytime i saw that it made my crush just fade away. BUT it never disappeared… Even though all those guys got a girlfriend later on, they still teased a little. Oh, and btw, she had a boyfriend…
So a year and something went by. Her boyfriend went abroad to study, and I found out that they broke up because he cheated on her.
In the last few months we’ve been sending msgs back and forth and I realized that our conversation were always very intimate. So… One day I asked her to hangout with me and I asked if she liked me. She said “yes” and I also did, and still do.
But here’s my problem. In just a month and some weeks, I’m going abroad to study for 3 years or even more, in a different continent. I’m only coming back next year but it’s only for 2 weeks and then i going back.
So some months ago I said that we shouldn’t text each other and maybe should’t be very close.
Apparently it’s was not that easy. The next day, I already missed her somehow, even though we see each other everyday at school.
I asked her to have dinner with me to celebrate my birthday, but she didn’t give me a clear answer. So I chose to cancel it since a week passed and she didn’t say anything. I said that my idea was a mistake and that i missed her very much, and asked her if she wanted to “get together” (we never got together because she already knew i was going abroad, so we never did anything serious), she answered to not think too much and just go with the flow, and one day she would find a day for us to talk about it. She never said anything.
This last few days, every time i see her I feel happy and realize how much I miss her. I guess i’m in love… Heart’s beat fast, i get hot and happy.
Also, it still bothers me that every guys “flirts” with her. Her best guy friend also likes her, even though she said she doesn’t feel the same for him, he still “flirts”. And, during the time i mentioned that i had a crush on her, they would always be together, go alone to some room, even though she had a boyfriend.
I just can’t handle this memories of her past. I’ve read other posts that, the past is irrelevant and she is “with me” now, but it makes me sad just to think about…
So do you guys think it’s worth it to just have a month together? Or should we just let it be?
@Kev…….We’re sorry this isn’t clearer but of course relationships are often that way at least at the beginning. We think you should go with your gut. Your heart. If you have strong feelings for her then you should absolutely try to be with her and hang out with her as much as possible until you leave. If she feels the same as you, then who knows what might happen in the future. If you form a strong bond now, you never know what might happen a few years from now. But if you bail, then you’ll never know. Regret is not an easy thing to live with. Hope this helps. ps. Please let your friends know about us. And check out our new “relationship memoirs” page. Thanks!
Hahaha, sorry about the confused text I’m not that good with words…
Anyway, the thing is, I really like her! I think we are perfect for each other, every time i see her i just wanna kiss her, be with her, she’s just IRRESISTIBLE! That’s why i would follow my heart until the end. But, in the end of the day, i always remember her with the other guys. Just the though of it breaks my heart, which makes me wanna step back and don’t make a move.
This pic kinda shows how I am:
http://favim.com/orig/201105/11/brain-broken-heart-love-sparkle-Favim.com-40947.jpg
I thought a lot about it, and if I can’t understand her past and it bothers me, maybe i’m just not right for her.
I want to ease the pain i’m going to cause her when i leave, and to make her get over me much more easier. If we do form a strong bond, I don’t want her to be hanging for me for 3 years!
I willing to follow my heart until i leave or restrain myself and just play it cool. Whatever the choice, I just want her to be happy.
@kevin…….well, good luck. We wish you the best with your lady and your studies abroad. And nice pic! Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. And check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy the writing/stories there.
Hey guys!
Soooo, 2 days ago we started sending msgs to each again. We had a very good “talk”. We both miss each other and we both finished with “love you”.
Today, when I saw her, i greeted her with a smile and a wave and she did the same. I feel like she’s avoiding me even after our msgs… Every time we talk she always, kinda of end it like, with simple answer.
Is it just me? Is this MY problem for feeling that way? Cuz maybe it’s just normal for her. Do you think she’s waiting for me to take the initiative?
Can you answer ASAP? Cuz i really wanted to invite her to go to the movies, but not while I’m like this…
@Kevin………You know as well as we do that there are no guarantees about anything in this life. If you ask her, it’s possible she could say no. But if you don’t you’ll regret it forever. So we say go for it. If she says no, then you’ll have your answer one way or another. If she says yes, then it will be great. Remember, you can get over disappointment and rejection, but there’s nothing worse than regret in this life.