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Dear Guys,
I met a guy on New Year’s and we went out at the end of January. I was very hesitant to begin a relationship or even date since I knew there was a possibility that I would be moving at the end of summer (about 8 hrs away). I also had other personal issues that I was dealing with.
This guy was so amazing that I started dating him anyway, and within a matter of a few months I fell for him. This is the best guy I have ever met and the best relationship I have ever had. I am 28 and he is 30. He pursued me and was also the one to ask for the commitment. This was after we found out that I would be moving in June. We always said that long distance was manageable and that we don’t date just to date. This was something serious.
Well around the end of May—about a month before the big move—I became very emotional. I was sad to be leaving my friends and this amazing guy that I felt that I was in love with. I was leaving to further my career in residency (a two year commitment) and I even considered not going. However I felt that I had to leave to increase my job satisfaction which was at the time very low. But we said distance wouldn’t matter, as long as it was right. However I feel that my intense emotions of wanting out relationship to progress and survive the distance and my sadness in leaving may have begun to push him away.
Things were harder before the move and they continue to be now. I don’t know anyone in my new city and have relied on him for happiness. I haven’t been very happy but I’m slowly adjusting, which I think is normal after a big life change/move. I feel like my emotional stress caused further strain on our relationship. He knows full well I am ready to meet “the one” and so is he. Well this week he broke up with me. He says that he doesnt feel 100% committed to the relationship and that his emotions have hit a wall. However he says that there may be hope for the future after we have some time apart. And he says he is not saying that to “sugar coat” the break up and I believe that. There is seriously NOTHING wrong with our relationship. Only that he hasn’t fallen in love with me the way I have with him. The issue is that I still think it’s early (despite the way I’m feeling) and that love could still come in time. It’s only been 7 months. And he says he cares about me so much and wanted so badly for it to work. He says this arrest of his emotions has been growing over the last month. I have been away for two. I just think that he may feel this way because I have been so emotional. I feel that if I had played it cool, he wouldn’t feel this way. I have regrets.
So my question is, what is your take on this situation? Do you really think there is a chance for us? A chance for him to miss me during this non-communicative period of time? Should he know? Or are these the normal emotions that one goes through during this 6-7 month period that has been exacerbated through distance? I so hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder. We are each other’s best friend and I just really feel that love could grow. But then again, maybe I’m being a silly girl and need to accept that fact that if he was going to love me ever, he would not feel this emotional block now, regardless of the circumstances.
Bridget
Dear Bridget,
Thanks for your question.
First of all you should have no regrets. For what? For being honest with yourself and him? Why wouldn’t you feel sad for leaving? Sure, you might be embarking on a new and exciting chapter in your life, but that doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel mixed emotions about leaving behind some people whom you love. And if this is what drove him away from you, then the relationship didn’t have as much going for it as you perceived.
Having said that, we still think it’s possible for the two of you to reunite, but you shouldn’t ignore the fact that he doesn’t feel about you, the same way you feel about him. And for guys, probably more so than for women, this doesn’t typically change. We tend to “know” right away if the potential is there for a serious relationship. So if he was already feeling a bit unsure, your emotional outpourings just gave him an opening to end things. (But they didn’t CAUSE his change of heart regardless of what he might say.)
Sure, distance can make the heart grow fonder. We’re sure your guy is missing you. But keep in mind that distance also makes people forget. It’s likely your guy will start to remember all the qualities he loved about you and block out why he wasn’t sure in the first place. But that doesn’t mean he’s truly changed his mind about how he feels. The only way you’ll really know how he feels will be if the two of you live in the same city and really give it a go. (But didn’t you do that already?)
Our suggestion is for you to try to be open to new possibilities in your new city. Try to focus as much as possible on your career and all the new people you are meeting. (We know this will be difficult) Because all you can really do now is wait and see what happens. We wish you the best.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us.
Please Read My Story Below and help me understand this situation with my boyfriend? By the way we have never had a fight, arguement or disagreement. And even though it was long distance we've talked everyday all day for 3 months and he was always telling me how I make him so happy and he can't wait to see me. Even up till the day he stopped talking to me. That's why I just don't understand what happened? Please help me understand!:(
In highschool I had a crush on a guy but my best friend at the time did also so I didn't mess with him. However, 3 months ago we got reconnected through the internet. He was stationed out of state cause he is in the military but he was being stationed in my city in 3 months so I thought I could deal with the long distance relationship. And I did everything was amazing we connected really well and he made a commitment to me right away. He even started planning a future for us. He even made me fall for him. Two weeks ago he started driving over here. He even rushed down here and got here in 3 days cause he couldn't wait to see me. He didn't see me right away because he needed to see his family which was understandable cause his mom just had a tumor removed so I was ok with it cause he still kept in contact with me. The next day he text me like everyday saying, "Hey Love!" And the conversation went on from there I had told him that one of the things I love about him was how he was taking care of his mom. And the last thing he told me was, " Lol babe you love that I take care of my mom?" And I responded but he never responded so I assumed he was busy. So I text him everyday afterwards saying good morning and good nite babe. When I still didn't get a response I just assumed he was in field. However, the following Tuesday my sister told me that she saw him on that Sunday and she was excited so she asked him if he was dating a girl named Alex cause that's her sister? And he answered by saying, "Well I haven't seen her in a long time" and she told him that I have been trying to contact him but he said that he hadn't got anything and walked off. When she told me this that Tuesday I was devastated because I didn't understand why he would say that cause everything was going perfect and I have been trying to contact him. Well after I heard this I called him all that day and text him that I missed him and really needed to talk to him ans still nothing. I even had a friend call him cause I know he don't have his number and he still didn't pick up. So all that week I called him, text him, and wrote him emails. I even went to his house to see if he was ok and his grandma said he wasn't home. I told her that I'm his girlfriend and I've been trying to get in contact with him and she said that something happened with his phone and he don't have it but she will tell him I've been trying to get in contact and give him my info. Even after all of that I've still haven't heard from him. What I don't understand is what happened? Why did he just stop talking to me out of the blue with no warning? I thought everything was going perfectly except for the fact that I haven't seen him yet? What changed his mind so quickly? What happened in those few days to make him do this to me? Do you think he will realize the mistake he made and comeback? Please help me understand what's going on?
@Ally......It may or not be a good idea, but what do you have to lose? If he rejects the idea then you'll be at the same place you are now. Actually better, because you'll be able to move on finally. Who knows what might happen. The two of you met when you were young. You've both gone through lots of changes. To us, it sounds like there's just been a lot of miscommunication, and fear about opening up to the other person. We applaud you for thinking about taking the risk, but certainly there are no guarantees here. Good luck.
@Unknown.....Let him start doing some of the initiating. You're trying too hard. If he really wants to build a friendship with you, and possibly try again, he'll show it. Right now he's not doing that. Give him some time and space and then see. Honestly, this relationship sounds kind of forced, like it may have gone as far as it was meant to go. Keep us posted and hang in there.
@Rebecca.....There's always a chance. But will the same types of things just happen again? Likely, unless both of you are committed to change. Change in the sense of how you communicate and work through issues. Why don't you just see what happens in six weeks. Good luck.
Let me tell you a bit about my story. Keep in mind that my ex boyfriend was quite insecure and always thought i was going to find someone else. So we met when i was a senior in high school and i was visiting my family in california. We were serious about each other so i convinced my aunt to let me live with her but one day my parents decided i had to move back home to nevada so i broke things off with him because as a guy i didnt think he was going to be ok with being in a long distance relationship. I found out that he was really upset about it because he felt that i didnt care and that i ended things like "nothing". So i decided to let him know that i was in love with him. He later told me he would be moving with his brother that was only 3 hrs away from me so we starting talking again. I tried to see him as often as i could since i had to ask for rides because i didnt have a car yet. He had a car but was always "busy" which bummed me out because i had a life too besides him but always had time for him. Anyways he started pulling away the calls and texts stopped coming in. I didnt question him because i thought if i bugged him about it he would pull away even more. He told me he was moving back to california to go to school and that it would only be a yr so we would decide what we would do after. But we stopped talking completely for 2 months until i saw him in his hometown at a get together and we talked and hugged. I texted him the next day so we could hangout but he told me he was already on his way to the city he was going to school in. We texted and flirted but out of nowhere he told me he had a gf so i spilled my heart out to him and let him know i didnt want to be with anyone else. All he said was he wanted to be friends. I told him i had to get over him so i couldnt be friends with him. He was not ok with that but accepted. A month later he called me and told me he broke up with that girl and was going to go to his home town for 1 week (i was there the summer) but i acted like i didnt care. Once he got there he didnt even let me know he was there. We saw each other at another get together. And he didnt come up to me or say hi or anything it was like he wanted me to go up to him (of course i didnt). At that point i decided i had to move on. The thing is that night all he did was stare at me. Later his best friend told me he had asked about me. So i was really confused. And now it has been 1 yr since we stopped talking but i havent met anyone. I know he felt the same for me as i did for him. Before the pulling away he always called me and texted me. We talked about marriage and all that stuff. I think he made the whole girlfriend thing up because i never saw anything on his facebook and i would hangout with his friends and they never said anything about a new girl. Was he just trying to get me jealous? Also i want to mention that he asked me to move with him while he was in school but i wasnt ready to so i said no. Maybe that made him give up? Now hes back with his brother (only 3 hrs away) and im thinking about contacting him and seeing if we could work things out since i have a car now. I would also be willing to move there if i have too. Is that a good idea? I dont want to get my hopes up and get hurt. Thanx.
Hey Guys, I am really confused and would appreciate your opinion. We were together for 3 years, and he broke up with me a month ago. It was my fault, I took him for granted. In the last year of our relationship he started to turn his attention toward trying to figure himself out, and his career, which I realize now in hindsight. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that that was the reason,I didn't listen to him. I focused on the change in his behavior which changed my behavior, I became possessive and demanding, I smothered him. He broke up with me. After the break up I did the whole no contact 3 weeks, then limited contact a week, fast forward a month we saw each other. In the month that past, he saw that I had become back to the person he fell in love with, and he said that I looked totally different. We talked, He is still very physically attracted to me, and very much in love with me but he has expressed that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He said that I am the love of his life, and no one knows him better than me, but right now he needs to focus on himself. So when I heard this, I expressed that it was ok if he wanted us to move on and that I just needed to hear him say it. He told me, that he didn't know what he wanted. I wanted to take the pressure off of him, so we talked more and we decided together that we aren't back together but we are trusting each other to not date anyone or sleep with anyone for now and to see how we build our friendship. At the end of summer, we will reevaluate things and see where we are then. I am trying to be in control of my emotions, but I am concerned because I feel like I am doing all the initiating so far. Its been only a week since we last saw each other, we have texted throughout the week (i've tried to keep convos light, no pressure) but he politely declines if I try to ask if he wants to catch a movie or something casual. So clearly he isn't ready to hang out with me. I guess I am just confused, I thought that we were both going to try to work on re-building our friendship or am I just lacking patience? Do you think he will eventually come around? or do you think he just agreed to this because he doesn't want me to move on before him? I love him and I want to be with him, but even though we talked about things and I trust him, I am still not sure exactly what he wants from me. Your advice please? :)
I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half who is currently back home for the summer overseas. I was getting the feeling he didn't care much about what I had to say, but it turns out that he was just stressed out because of work. I didn't actually have the intention to end it, I just wanted a reaction because it felt like I wasn't getting through to him. We didn't talk for two days then I messaged him asking how he was and he blew up on me and was saying hurtful things. I've never seen that side to him. I apologized to him right after I broke up with him and when I messaged him two days later. I told him the truth that I didn't want to break up, but he said he cant trust what im saying and we will have to talk about it when we return. He told me to move on and other mean things. I know I shouldn't have broken up with him and it was very immature, but I still feel like it could have been easily overcame but he just took it to heart. We were very, very close- were best friends. We were talking about marriage and kids after college and he wanted to sty over here for me. I haven't spoke to him in two weeks and neither of us have tried to contact one another. Do you think there is a chance for reconciliation when we both return to school in 6 weeks? His birthday is also in a few days.. do I wish him happy birthday?
Hi there :) I've been reading some people's comments and you guys are all such help and I am hoping you will help me with my situation! Sorry if it is long... Me and my boyfriend (now ex) were together for 2 and a half years... I thought everything was perfect, he was literally my dream come true and he loved me so much, so I never thought anything bad would happen to our relationship. I thought if anything I would break up with him, it never crossed my mind that he would ever leave me or treat me bad because he was always so amazing to me... But around nov/dec we started fighting a lot... It was always me complaining to him because he just changed so much he stopped being this amazing guy to me it was as if he didnt care for our relationship anymore, I was always confused on why he stopped treating me good and would always want to talk to him about it but he wouldn't give me the time of day and would just say I'm complaining too much. Our arguments got worst and i noticed one day he added his ex gf on instagram and liked all of her pictures and he liked all of them for awhile and on one he called her beautiful ( i know this is immature of me but it is so unlike his character to associate with his ex or make me feel jealous so we fought about it and he said hes friends with his ex and I was overreacting) I know she has a long time bf and is happy and I know my bf at the time would like other girls pics also so I don't know why her pictures got me so madd.. We continued to fight So I eventually to him I couldn't do it anymore I wasn't happy with the way he started treating me and the way he would talk to me.. But the next day we still talked as if everything was normal we never acknowledged if we were broken up or not... Then he started acting weirder and told me he needs space he only made me happy he forgot how to make himself happy, he needs to focus on himself ... This drove me crazy that he didnt want to fix our relationship I felt betrayed... But we would still talk almost everyday, this took a toll on me not knowing where we stood one day he would tell me he loves me the next he would say he's confused and needs space.. He told my best friend he doesn't know how to fix things because I wasn't understanding his need for space. But he started texting me all the time telling me he knows well end up together and he loves me so much and hell fix things when hes done with space. Throughout the holiday season he texted me merry Christmas and how much he loved me and happy New Years and then started drifting away only texting other week and I started going crazy, yearning for what used to be. Wanting him back so bad.... In January we got back together only because I forced us too in a way ... It lasted a week because I wasn't happy again, because he didnt really want to be with me. He ended it and said we are done and that he is confused of his feelings for me but things changed along the way he didnt plan it, but he doesn't feel the same way anymore .... BUT we would still talk and one day I went on his email (I know I'm horrible I am ashamed of the person I became throughout this breakup ) but he had pictures of his ex ... He told me it was stupid and he was bored and went through old emails and decided to not delete those pics of her for no reason except he wasn't thinking and was bored and stupid ... I went to return all his stuff at first he was distant but he apologized for everything and said he just needs some months apart and well get back together I gave back my promise ring and he said in the future hell get me a bigger better one... We would still talk mostly me hitting up because I became depressed without him... He would still tell me he loves me said happy valentines say would always still call me babe and baby !! Our convos became less and less then one day he told me to move on he said he's not coming back he told me to find other guys another guy will treat me good like I deserve he said I shouldn't wait for him and I need to let him go... I would still call and beg and plead :( and he said lets take it slow lets be friends, I said I couldn't it hurt to much and that was the last time we spoke he ended the convo with goodnight I love you, we didnt talk for a few weeks until my best friend spoke to him for me, because she felt like he never even explained things to me and everyone was curios how he could just drop a 2year relationship like that ... He told her hes happy with the decision he made, he's happy single, he assured her there's no other girl he has a new job and is happy and called me immature. I wrote him an angry email and that was the last of it... Fast forward almost 3 months later, he texted me "happy birthday and I miss you" I replied thanks ... Because my friend said to not talk to him he will come back once I stop contacting him... It's been three months and I can't stop thinking about him I want him back so bad, is my friend right dud he really just want space? I can't give up on our love for some reason... Is it a lost cause or is there hope for reconciliation ! Help
@Jessica.....We're sorry. Your ex does seem lost. The real question is: During this difficult time, why is he breaking up with the person he's closest to? Is it just an excuse, or does he truly need his space to figure this out? We know you love him, but being with a partner who pushes you away during hardship is not the most reassuring thing. This is something to think about. Hang in there.
My ex boyfriend and I have been separated for five weeks on Monday. The last time I had a question you told me that the ball was in his court and of course it still is, however, my question today is that I'm worried he is seeing me too much and won't miss me. We are in the same friend group so it is very difficult to NOT see him. For this week we just had, I have seen him everyday save for Monday. I am nonchalant around him and I don't so much ignore him but more I don't really initiate anything or look at him much for that matter. I'm scared to have him catch me looking at him although I DO catch him looking at me. When we first started hanging around each other (twice last week) I would try to be friendly and initiate conversation and what not. This week I did not. He kind of talked to me more, at least more than I was to him. And I would keep catching him looking at me. I'm just worried that I am around him too much and that he won't miss me but at the same time I wonder, if I am around he could miss BEING with me. I'm just not sure how to approach the situation. Should I continue staying nonchalant around him until he possibly initiates more or should I try to avoid being around him and allow him to wonder why I am not around and hope he misses me that way?
please any advice... does it sound like we might have another chance or is this break up a seem like a blow off?
My boyfriend and i had been dating for almost 3 years .. when we were first together it seemed like we were really meant for eachother.... he is not a typically very emotional man and had actually gotten out of a 4 year relationship about 5 months before we started dating. When we met he had no intentions on even getting back to dating anytime soon but after a couple of dates ... we seemed to fall in immediately... he was convinced we were soul mates and we moved in togehter about 2 months after dating and been seriously disscussing marriage around the 1st year we were together. Then we seemed to take some ups and downs.. he got bad into drinking and became unhappy with his job and his house was falling apart and was always stressed about that and financial problems. As much as i tried to help and do everything i could to help take some of the pressure of his plate. It never seemed to be enough. We ran into a problem that one night he had gotten really drunk we had a horrible fight, i left for an evening and he had texted his ex to see if she wanted to meet up. I found this out later and while yet he never ended up actually going to meet her, once i knew this i had a horrible time trusting him after that in fear that everytime if we were to have a fight is this what would happen. We had been up and down for a while after that. Eventually i thought it best i move out and we needed time apart. After a couple months we ended up giving it another try. Alot of his problems were still there tho, the job, problems with the house and lack of money that he was wanting. I tried to step up my game and got a better job and was tyring to harder to take care of some of the house problems and financial issues so if he wanted to look for a different job or figure something else out he could. But he never really seemed to make any significant changes that would help make him any happier about these problems, and me pointing them out he said only seemed to bring him down more. Now we have broken up again and he has told me that he is so unhappy with himself and feels so lost that he no longer knows how to make me happy. He needs to work on himself and figure out what he is going to do job wise and really get things figured out with the house and get his financial matters in order. He says he loves me more than anything and he really wants it to work out but right now its just not working. And for the moment we just dont understand what the other needs. And we both need to work on ourselves before we could ever make eachother happy but he would always be here for me if i ever needed anything. I guess i just dont understand this, i feel like life will be filled with hardships and you just dont leave the person you really love everytime you feel a bit lost. Im worried maybe this is just his excuse for maybe breaking up with me and he thinks were not right for one another and is to scared to just tel me that. I always believed that people really in love could change and grow togehter and not just take the chance of leaving the other because other things in life are hard at the moment
@Michelle.....This is really hard. We're sorry. Truly. So we're going to be honest and straightforward with you because we think it will help. Understand this is coming from a supportive place. He sabotaged your relationship. Just like you said. He wasn't able to make the decision so he put it on you. It's a bit cowardly, but some people operate that way. That should give you some insight into his character, even if he says he never did it before. This relationship is going nowhere. It's time to move on and find someone who loves and respects you the way you love and respect them. You deserve better than this, and we're confident you'll find that person. So for now, let yourself grieve, surround yourself with people who love you, throw yourself into work, but start looking ahead not behind. This guy is not the guy for you. Take care.
@Izzy.....We're sorry. Take care of yourself. Good luck.
@ One of the Guys - Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it regardless of it not being exactly what I wanted to hear! If he didn't fall in love with me in a year, he's not going to now. I just can't quite accept that, I'm still in shock. This physically hurts but at least I know that there can't be any hope, it's what I need to hear so thank you!
@Marie.......Sorry. But right now you're going to just see how this plays out. He's feeling insecure, and he's asserting control by keeping you at a distance while he processes. Try to be patient. We can't predict how this is going to go.
My boyfriend and I were together for 6 months when we started talking about living together. Our relationship had been going really well and we are both in our 30s. As discussions progressed, he started to back track on some of the things we’d talked about. I was worried, but it is a big step and he otherwise was normal. A few months later, he started saying he wasn’t sure how to be sure that we would work out long-term. He thought that once he’d decided he wanted to get married, he’d meet someone and know that it was right. I told him you never know how things will work out, you just base the decision whether to take the next step on how things have gone so far. Things continued more or less as normal, though I did feel less secure. After a few weeks, he got really upset again. He said he thought I was wonderful, but didn’t know how to be sure. As we’re in our 30s and both want kids, he didn’t want to get 2 years down the line and have it end, as we’d both be 2 years older. I hadn’t even brought up the marriage and kids thing, I just agreed that I wanted that too when he’d told me he did. I said that if he felt I wasn’t right for him he should end it. He said he wanted to keep seeing me. I asked if we should slow things down, or take a break. He said no. I also told him that he was putting far too much pressure on himself and our relationship. That nobody can show him a crystal ball. Shortly after this conversation he went away with work. He was in touch with me the whole time (I’d told him he didn’t have to be, if he wanted time to think, but he said he wanted to be in touch). He sent me photos, told me what he’d been up to, said he wished I was there. When he got back I went round to his place as planned and we talked, laughed, looked at photos. I’d been there about 3 hours when he dropped the bombshell that he’d slept with someone else whilst drunk one night. He’s never cheated on anyone else before. I was devastated. He was very sorry, and said that he knew if he could just decide I was the one, he would never do it again. Apparently he’d never cheated on past girlfriends because that is all they were and he was committed to them as such. Because he thought I could be more long-term, and because he couldn’t decide, he thinks that made him feel less committed to me. I told him he’d sabotaged our relationship to force me to make the decision for him, which was really unfair. As I already know how I feel and what I want, I said I could work through it, but not if he wasn’t committed to our relationship so he would have to decide. He said he couldn’t, so he finally ended it. The day he cheated on me was our 1 year anniversary. We’d sent messages to each other saying how great the year had been, and then he did that! It’s only been about 6 weeks, and this has been an incredibly painful and confusing break up for me. We haven’t had much contact, though I sent him a birthday card (I know, total mug!). He rang me that evening to say thanks. We talked about what we’d been up to like normal. He asked me how I’d been but I didn’t really say much to that. I’ve been a mess, but I do have some pride! I asked if he would be calling again and he said he thought so, but he didn’t know when. Then he got worried and said I shouldn’t wait for him. I told him I wasn’t going to wait for him but it’s easier said than done. Am I being stupid for thinking there could still be a way to work this out? I’m trying to keep my chin up, keep busy and hopefully move on, but it is so hard when we were so close to having everything and he just messed it up! All advice welcome!
Hello, Sorry this post is so long! My boyfriend and I were together for 6 months when we started talking about living together. Our relationship had been going really well and we are both in our 30s. As discussions progressed, he started to back track on some of the things we’d talked about. I was worried, but it is a big step and he otherwise was normal. A few months later, he started saying he wasn’t sure how to be sure that we would work out long-term. He thought that once he’d decided he wanted to get married, he’d meet someone and know that it was right. I told him you never know how things will work out, you just base the decision whether to take the next step on how things have gone so far. Things continued more or less as normal, though I did feel less secure. After a few weeks, he got really upset again. He said he thought I was wonderful, but didn’t know how to be sure. As we’re in our 30s and both want kids, he didn’t want to get 2 years down the line and have it end, as we’d both be 2 years older. I hadn’t even brought up the marriage and kids thing, I just agreed that I wanted that too when he’d told me he did. I said that if he felt I wasn’t right for him he should end it. He said he wanted to keep seeing me. I asked if we should slow things down, or take a break. He said no. I also told him that he was putting far too much pressure on himself and our relationship. That nobody can show him a crystal ball. Shortly after this conversation he went away with work. He was in touch with me the whole time (I’d told him he didn’t have to be, if he wanted time to think, but he said he wanted to be in touch). He sent me photos, told me what he’d been up to, said he wished I was there. When he got back I went round to his place as planned and we talked, laughed, looked at photos. I’d been there about 3 hours when he dropped the bombshell that he’d slept with someone else whilst drunk one night. He’s never cheated on anyone else before. I was devastated. He was very sorry, and said that he knew if he could just decide I was the one, he would never do it again. Apparently he’d never cheated on past girlfriends because that is all they were and he was committed to them as such. Because he thought I could be more long-term, and because he couldn’t decide, he thinks that made him feel less committed to me. I told him he’d sabotaged our relationship to force me to make the decision for him, which was really unfair. As I already know how I feel and what I want, I said I could work through it, but not if he wasn’t committed to our relationship so he would have to decide. He said he couldn’t, so he ended it. The day he cheated on me was our 1 year anniversary.We’d sent messages to each other saying how great the year had been, and then he did that! It’s only been about 6 weeks, and this has been an incredibly painful and confusing break up for me. We haven’t had much contact, though I sent him a birthday card (I know, total mug!). He rang me that evening to say thanks. We talked about what we’d been up to like normal. He asked me how I’d been but I didn’t really say much to that. I’ve been a mess, but I do have some pride! I asked if he would be calling again and he said he thought so, but he didn’t know when. Then he got worried and said I shouldn’t wait for him. I told him I wasn’t going to wait for him but it’s easier said than done. Am I being stupid for thinking there could still be a way to work this out? I’m trying to keep my chin up, keep busy and hopefully move on, but it is so hard when we were so close to having everything and he just messed it up!
@Izzy.....We're sorry. We know you're reeling here but it's way too soon to know what's going to happen. We'll give you our opinion, but understand that you know the situation better than we do. But if we were to guess we'd say, that since he's known you for quite some time, he realizes he sees you more as a friend rather than a life-long partner. He gave it a try and went from friend to lover, but it hasn't turned out exactly how he hoped. We are sorry. ps. And you're right. Talking to him every night is not good for your emotional well-being. Hang in there.
Me again. Ok we went to dinner last night. He came to my house and we walked. Once we sat down and ordered. I said. So what is going on. He said I have nothing new to say. I said then why are we here. He said you said you wanted to talk and I said so do you. I said then why did you get so upset abouth match. He said it still hurt and he knows he had no right. I told him I don't want to be without him. He said it seems I was always upset. And he also thinks I wanted to break up and was on match the entire time. I finally talked to him from the heart that none of this was true. He said. " I was out sat night and all I could think about was that you should have been there. I wanted tot tell you that but I didn't know what to say". I said I love hearing that! He said everyone is team Marie. I said who is everyone he said everyone that matters. We had a good rest of the dinner. He made comments that he loved my body. Then would joke and say oh but not anymore. We were back to ourselves. We talked a lot. He learned where I was coming from on a lot of things. Like my insecurities and my hurt from past relationships. When dinner was over. He walked me home. I asked if he was staying over he said he had to get up really early. I just started to cry. I said I don't want you to leave me (the wine didnt help this). He gave me a kiss on the cheek and said we will figure it out. I said no no you can't say that. I don't know what that means. He gave me a kiss on the lips and said we will be ok. I text him thank you for dinner and how nice it was spending time with him. He text me the next morning. It was so nice spending time with you too. You looked very pretty in your dress. He never said anything about getting back together. He never said if and when he would call or hang out again. He is very ambiguous so I am left to interpret, which is not a good thing
I'd been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. He's 30 whilst I'm only 23 and last week, completely out of the blue, he ended it. He's not a very emotional person and never talks about his feelings but he said that he had been having doubts in the back of this mind since turning 30 that he didn't want to marry me and whether he was actually in love with me. We'd been friends for a few years and he is genuinely the best guy but he does have a few issues in that he's never said 'I love you' to a girl. Stupidly I thought I'd break the mould! He says he's very confused at the moment but I genuinely thought I'd end up with him. I'm still talking to him every night which I know is unhealthy but I'm finding this very hard (it has only been 3 days!) What I want to know is whether you think this is a blip and he'll come to his senses or whether he'll never fall in love with me and I need to start getting over it rather than holding onto the hope that he'll change his mind and come back to me.
@Melissa.....We are overwhelmed. Doing our best. To your question: You're right to be guarded. This guy had no idea what he wants. He breaks up with her and then he's right back contacting you. Sounds like a person that can't be alone. Red-flag.
@Liz......We're sorry. But there's not much for us to say here. You have to see how this unfolds and then see if he's changed if he does decide to come back. Trust your gut. Our gut says: He has no idea what he wants. He might be back, but there's no guarantee he'll stay.
@Marie....He's angry. He's hurt. He's confused. He feels guilty. He doesn't know what's going on. Just give him some space to think things through. FYI: He broke up with you right? Your going on Match, may have given him some fuel to ease the burden of his guilt. If that makes sense. Now he doesn't have to feel badly. He can lash out at you and blame you.
@Amber.....You can't make him realize anything. He has to decide he wants to try again and then come back on his own. What you can do is reach out to him again after a bit and reiterate what you said to him. Why not write him a letter? Yes, pen and paper and then send it to him. Tell him how you feel, your thoughts, and what you want. And then leave it up to him. The ball will be in his court. That's really all you can do. Hang in there and good luck.
@Melissa.....We hope you're starting to realize that this relationship isn't going anywhere. He's all over the place. Up and down. All around. If you let him he's going to drag you through the mud. Take some control and try to move on.
Ohhh and for the record, he's driving back to his hometown this morning. This wasn't about sex or trying to do anything physical. If it was he would have made more of an attempt to see me yesterday. He sent me these messages with 4-6 hours in between. His hometown is 12 hours away so he knows he wont see me again probably till August. I'm not sure if the other woman is permanently or temporarily out of the picture but I fear their decision to have time and space made him more desperate to make that connection with me. I just keep feeling used. He wrote me these messages about change, and now has to drive for 12 hours, wont respond, wont call, wont do anything. He might even be talking to her when she's off work or something. :( I wish he could truly realize how everything is hurting me or understand. I did write him a lengthy message that was kind and understanding, basically explaining my feelings and saying he wasn't ready to listen. But I know I need to stop this and probably leave it alone. Any other thoughts about this?
You guys must be overwhelmed with advice. :) Anyway I just wanted to give an update on my situation. Yesterday he sent me a message saying that him and the other woman have agreed to have some time and space apart (she conveniently left yesterday as well) and how he's more vividly aware of how he hurt me and wants me to talk with him so he can say some things to me and ask me some things. He then continued to say he was ready to treat me the way he should have 6 weeks ago before this madness began. I sooo stupidly responded but it was the same thing. He never told me what his realizations are aside from he knows he's put through pure agony. I asked him what his honest intentions are with these conversations and he just kept telling me he was still thinking about it. The last thing he wrote to me around midnight was, "I've been thinking about your question tonight. I want to write you tomorrow and tell you more. It is a priority. I lost my best friend, my closest person in the world over the last two years. I miss having you in my life. I have to get up early, but I'll write more tomorrow. You can count on it." I've made it clear to this guy that I'm in love with him and we can't just be friends, it's not fair to me. Do you think it's best to just ignore his messages from now on? Do you think it hasn't sunk in that he's lost me? I'm just really scared that him and this other person will maybe patch things up or she'll remain in the picture and I'll keep getting burned. I feel like there's no way he could come to these realizations so quickly. 48 hours ago he was saying he was mostly over me... egh, I feel like my ex has temporarily went crazy. Thanks for listening as always! :)
Hey guys, So my now ex boyfriend was acting strange during the week and on Tuesday when I was already over his house he basically ditched me through a text message. The next morning I come to find out that he "No longer loves me as a girlfriend" and wanted to talk. He has yet talked to me because he literally is scared to and has been on the run. Not only was this very hurtful but it was shady and childish as hell. I have also come to find out that he left me for a 16 year old slut. I know who she is and i know that they have been casually hanging out over the past couple of months but nothing major but apparently she has been pushing it on him to leave me. We would have been together for two years in July and there seemed to be nothing wrong with our relationship. He was still telling me how much he loved me and how he wouldn't break up with me now since we were together for almost 2 years even a few days before all this went down. Everyone in his family and his neighbors who are very close to him were shocked to find this out because they really saw and could tell that he's in love with me. Yes he is young and I feel like this is just him being lustful and thinking with his dick instead of his heart but my question to you guys is do you think he will realize the mistake he made and try and come back to me? Im not gonna make this easy for him if he does, however I do love him and he practically is my first love (I was his first Love as well) The only way i would even consider taking him back is if he proves that he loves me and is committed to me 110%. I have not tried to contact him nor do I plan to im kinda waiting on him. Please help me decide what to do. Thanks so much ~Liz
Hello Guys, I could use some advice here. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. We have so much fun together. We had one hiccup about two months ago that we worked through. But he broke up with me 3 days ago. It's weird the day before we broke up me. We had the best day we even talked about our future. Then over dinner. I made a comment about him having a shore house this summer and how I will probably never see him. He got angry. I never see him angry. I have been pressing this issue for about the past week and I could tell he was getting annoyed but I was just so worried that I would never see him and our relationship would suffer. Her told me at dinner that. He is almost at his limit and I needed to stop. I said I was sorry and asked if he was mad and he said no. We finished dinner and everything was fine. I text him that night that I had such a fun day and sorry for my comment. He didnt respond. The next day. I asked if he was happy. He said he would call me later. When he called he said he didn't think it was working. Said we have been fighting and he just isn't sure it's working and that we don't see each other that much.i was so upset. I asked if we could work it out and he said he isn't sure and going on a break isn't fair to me. I told him I didn't want to lose him. He said. He is older and set in his ways amd maybe meant to be a bachelor forever. I said so you never want to speak to me again? He said no he just doesn't know when. He said he cares about me so much and I am the most beautiful person he has ever met. But he doesn't think we are where we should be at 8 months. Where I think we are good. So we hung up I told him I will really miss him and he has become very important to me. And I hope to hear from I'm soon. So I decide I will go back on match. (Where we met). Not because I wanted to jump into anything but just to mentally prepare to be single again. I by no means was trying to hurt his feelings. He text within 2 hours so angry that his friend saw me on there. And that I was lying when I said I was hurt. He said what if he goes to the shore and hooks up this weekend (which he would never do to me). He said he is one pacing his house and I am already trying to meet someone. I explained that I was just trying to prepare myself to be single again. And that I loved him but he ended it with me and I was confused why he was bein this way. That I wanted to be with him but he made it clear he didn't want me. So I need to start perparing myself and putting myself back out there. Because I want a relationship and I want someone who does too. I text him i love him very much and I am willing to talk about this. And that I want to be with him but he made it clear he didn't want me. He then wrote me " please don't text or call me right now. I am really confused. But I am pretty good at figuring things out. I have been up all night thinking and feels that you have been having feelings about our relationship for sometime too: been on match this entire time as well and baited him into ending things so you're not the bad guy". He is basically saying that I have been on match the whole time. I wrote back "I don't know what to say. I have not been on match this whole time. I got on it last night to ease the pain. I love our relationship and him. I will not call or text. But don't spin this on my that I baited you into ending things. I want a relationship and I want one with you. Take all the time you need I am here for you" I do know he is very sensitive and does communicate well about feelings. I have never seen this side of him. Is there hope for us. Do ou think he is really done? Why would he be mad and why say that I baited him?
Hello! So my boyfriend of 3 years left me. A bit of backstory, we met 7 months before he went to Africa for two years with the Peace Corps. And we stayed together and did it well. We had two visits. The first time, I went to him and it was spectacular. The second time, he came home for a wedding, I got strep throat for the whole week he was here and cried because I was so down about it. So then he comes home in February. At the end of my senior year of college, when I was working full time, attending classes full time, working a required internship, and learning to live on my own (I moved out of my parents house in September of last year). I was also on birth control, which took a toll on my emotions because I'm tiny and the hormones were too strong. So, because of all this, I was an emotional wreck. I cried hysterically and took my frustrations out on him often. I would apologize, and he would accept, and I would move on because I had things with a deadline that I needed to finish. So two days before graduation, he left me, and he hasn't contacted me since (about 3 weeks). He said it was because we had communication issues and that he was possibly taking a job that would make us long distance again (we agreed that we weren't quite ready to move in together, since we had had our own spaces for so long). We didn't get to spend one single day together without me having an unreasonable amount of responsibility. I sent him a letter telling him that I know I was horrible, that I am capable of changing and that the break up was the slap in the face that I needed to realize how I was acting. It was the most honest, heartfelt thing I've ever written in my life. I didn't make any excuses for my behavior in what I said, but I think the birth control had more than a little to do with it. Anyway, I was serious about changing my relationship with stress and how I treat other people. I'm seeing a therapist twice a week, being more aware of my actions, and working hard to advance myself as much as possible. I'm doing all of this for me. But I also want him back. Very, very badly. Our whole relationship has been nothing but bad timing, and we were super compatible on every level. I have never been so in love, and I've had several serious relationships before. I strongly feel like we could work out everything pretty quickly, if I just had a chance to show him that things can get better. Other than the letter, I haven't contacted him. I've put on my big girl panties and respected his decision. But how can I show him that things will change if he won't even contact me? Should I wait, or should I say something eventually? It hurts so bad that we've waited two years for this and neither of us is getting what we deserve.
Also I feel he's lying to both me and this woman at the same time. Apparently they are spreading lies about me, but honestly, every time he talks to me, he's as sweet as ever. He hasn't been mean to me once. He didn't mention the email or show any signs he was personally upset at me. Like I said, he showed up to my job to just have some time with me and to give me a gift. Even when I say things like the relationship wont work or how she's not a good match for him, he gets annoyed but doesn't deny it or stand up for it.
Hi there! I thought that would be the last post but something weird happened yesterday. I wanted your opinion. So after I last spoke to you guys, I tried doing NC since I was so upset about the woman being so close to me. I did get angry and sent the woman an email, telling her how disrespectful this was and cc'ed my ex so nothing was hidden. I don't really feel it was a mistake. There was no name calling or anything, but I never heard from her or him. He did contact me the next day asking if I called him (I didn't) and sent me an email saying he knows this has been hard for me. So I continued to ignore him. Well yesterday he called me, said it was important. I ignored him. 20 minutes later he said he was outside by my car and wanted to see me and give me a gift! I freaked out and didn't see him and told him this was really inappropriate. My job is an hour away from where he's staying at. He definitely went out of his way. I told him he could leave the gift for me at our place, and he said "no" and started getting teary eyed. He wouldn't tell me what the gift was. I asked him if the "other woman" knew about this and he said she did. But I think he's lying. What woman would say it's a good idea for him to drive to my workplace and give me a gift while she's in town? He was conveniently tutoring someone 40 minutes away so I believe he might have lied to her about the times he was tutoring to go and see me. He also admitted after 10 minutes of me asking that him and this married woman are in a relationship. :( I told him this was a mistake and he got angry and said he had to go, and hung up on me. After that someone oddly sent me a text saying that him and that woman were upset about the email I sent, and were saying things that weren't entirely true a few days ago. I immediately was done, and sent him a brief text saying I know about the lies and for him to stay out of my life. He then wrote me a really lengthy message, tried to play the victim (why couldn't you see me and let me do something nice for you), was angry that I dissed his other woman, and then ended it with I just wanted to do something nice for you. I ended up replying back and explaining my feelings. Then it turned into him trying to Facebook chat with me and ask me personal questions like if I was leaving the state, what I was doing, etc. I told him I need to move on and can't do this and it's not fair to me, him or the other woman. He then ended the conversation by saying he didn't understand how we couldn't even be friends. Then he said he was MOSTLY over me after 5 weeks of being broken up and after a 2 year relationship. But if that was true, why would he have drove to my work to see me? What is going on? I didn't expect him to try and see me. I am continuing to not contact him yet again.
@daisy your situation almost sounds exactly like mine with a few differences here and there. Even after I've asked him to leave me alone he still finds a way to contact me. I don't understand why- but I do know that it's only making me feel more bitter about the situation that I'm not being given the same space I'm giving him.
@Daisy....You both need space. And space might help him see what he's missing. But honestly, it takes a lot for a person to break up with someone. Meaning, they've thought about it for a long time. Yes, he might miss you, and yes he might be texting you, and yes, he might think he's made a mistake, but that doesn't mean if you got back together he wouldn't start feeling that same gnawing feeling that caused him to break up with you in the first place. What's going on is the worst kind of break up. You're dealing with a guy who doesn't want you, but doesn't want to let you go. It makes no sense, except it's a very common occurrence. So what this is going to come down to you is YOU. You're going to have to be the one to dictate how this will go. Take some time to think about it and tell him to stop the texting for now until the two of you can think about this clearly. Also, if you do try to reconcile, we'd suggest a couple's counselor, or something in that realm to help you figure things out. He might need to see someone himself if he truly is depressed. Last thing: Sometimes guys use these types of excuses because they're not happy, but they don't know why they're not happy. Good luck and take care.
@Melissa......You're welcome. Take care of yourself.
My boyfriend of 3 years just ended it with me on Monday. we've been long distance (1.5 hours apart) for almost a year since I graduated college and he's still there, but I think we managed well. He was up this weekend and we had a good time seeing both our families and it seemed fine. He was telling our families about our future plans and how he's moving into our apartment with me in 2 months, and told me what we should name our son if we have one, where we should go on our future honeymoon, etc. The past few months though his depression has been coming back and he'd say things like "Why do you date me? I don't deserve you, I can't keep doing this to you..."etc. but usually I am able to let him know that it's not true and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. After what seemed like a normal weekend we were eating lunch and all of a sudden he started up on that again but this time nothing I said made him feel better and he was insistent on how he can't be with me because he doesn't love himself and he needs to figure out who he is. Said he needs to be able to take care of himself for once. He also got a job offer from a place that if he took it meant he wouldn't be moving up with me and we'd still be long distance but he said he hadn't decided to take it or not yet. He suggested a break saying he needed some space but at first I said if we're done then we're done, I don't do breaks. He also begged me to never stop talking to him even though he knows I'm hurting. after he left I cried nonstop and he was texting me and called me and then we talked about it more and I agreed to a break and he said we should go to bed and talk about it tomorrow. so the next day he texts me all day, then calls me and we talk about it but then he said he doesn't know how long of a break he needs and he doesn't know if we'll get back together and that he was trying to get at breaking up and not just a break but didn't know how to say it. I just don't understand why he would give up his best friend and support system when he's going through such a hard time. so of course..more tears ensued..and I apologized for anything and everything and told him how much I loved him and he said he'll never stop loving me and that "we'll work on it"...also he said we should maybe see each other in a month to see how things are going. so many mixed messages! so now it's been a few more days and he's still texting me. WHY IS HE TEXTING ME IF HE SAID HE NEEDS SPACE!??! i basically just turn off my phone during the day and check at night because I will burst into tears at work if I see he texts me. When I respond it's been small talk and I don't text right away so it seems like I'm not desperate to talk to him. My question is... should I just not respond for a few days if I can help it? Will that make him see what he's missing? Will he change his mind and want to come back to me? :(
Thank you for the response. It is very helpful. This has just been so tough. I just found out he's here with the other woman right now, 15 minutes away from me. Again, she lives 1000 miles away and they were both hanging out with my friends. Egh, the heartache of it all. I know I deserve much better than this, and I don't know if he'll come back, but if he does, I wont fall into this trap again. Thanks for your help! You guys are awesome. :)
I was on the verge of blacklisting this guy's number solely because he isn't giving me time to breathe! I can't go a day without hearing from him; whether its through text message, or whatever. I was recently talking with a mutual friend who had heard about what happened and seemed concerned enough to ask me cause he hadn't been able to get a word out of him... We talked briefly, I only stated the facts; and he immediately thought of him as an idiot.. welll... I guess word travels fast.. Today I received a picture message of the letter I had written him and old gifts and cards he had collected from me over the course of our relationship. He asked if I meant any of it.. I said yes. He said it didn't seem like it, that I've been bitter towards him in my words (which, isn't really all that true cause I don't entirely reply to him if at all) and that he needed to know if I wanted to be friends; if I did, i needed to stay away from OUR friends and not discuss anything with them should it come up or if they ask... really? He's hiding everything from these people apparently, and the fact of the matter is that we aren't together. I'm not gonna beat around the bush about that if people ask if it's true. He mentioned how it has put him in some "shitty situations" which I don't entirely understand what he means by that... and I didn't bother to ask. I told him I need time. I need time to heal and go through all of the stages of grief that I need to for MYSELF. If he feels the need to be selfish right now, I should be able to do the same; not exactly in the same way, but in a healing sense. I feel as though he wants to immediately be friends and I'm not ready for that (i don't get WHY either). I told him he NEEDS to give me space and if he wants to be just friends or have me in his life he needs to let me learn how to do that, no matter how long it takes, ON MY OWN and I will come to him when I'm ready to do so, but for now, I need to live my life and figure out how to pick up the pieces and glue them back together. I said, "if you don't want me to be in your life the way that I was in a relationship with you, you need to let me UN-love you and you need to let me figure out if i CAN eventually do that.. until then, please let me heal." He seemed pretty angry after that and mentioned how he hopes I find who I was before all of this because that's the "incredible woman" he knows me to be. I don't think its fair for him to expect me to be FINE and okay with talking to him in a way that keeps me on the line of unpredictability.. I don't know what to think of it. I felt empowered the rest of the day after that because I said what I needed to say, but now I just feel somewhat guilty. He agreed to give me time... which I'm fortunate for... But I've also needed to pretty much block him for every other way he has available to contact me for one reason or another. I'm sorry, I'm bombarding you guys with these updates!
Hey guys. Yesterday I woke up to a text message. They got back together and she texted me on his phone to move on. Then when I replied he told me that she sent it and that he was later meeting up with her and that I could talk to her later. But instead I went on Facebook to message her. But what bothers me is that he didn't told me himself to move on. That's all I really want. Why doesn't he tell me himself to move on?
@Melissa.........We were off this weekend. Sorry. Anyway, you're wondering why he's giving you mixed signals and why he's still reaching out to you. There is a part of him that is kicking himself. (The more mature part.) And that part is doing its best to keep you in waiting in case he changes his mind. Although, we don't get the sense that he's willing or able to listen to that part in terms of throwing himself back in a relationship with you. He also feels guilty about the promises he made, and the fact that you did so much for him and he repaid you by betraying you and ultimately leaving. We're very sorry. We just don't think he's ready to be in a mature relationship and so he's chosen the "broken" one because he's able to be "hero" and "Leader" instead of feeling like he's the follower. Some guys are really funny about this. And once again it's about ego. There's no clear logic to it. You treat him like gold and he repays you by treating you like shit. It makes no sense. But it does if you dig deeper. He's behaving very similarly to a child who lashes out at his parents and tries to break free by rebelling. That's how we see this. So while this is very painful for you, we still think you need to think long and hard about what you really want. If he does come back, do you really want him back? Only you can answer that question. Our opinion: You deserve better. Better in the sense of a guy who you're on more equal terms with across the board. Better in the sense of a guy who will love and respect you the way you love and respect him.
In terms of the male ego thing I think you are somewhat right. I don't think me being successful bothered him as much as him feeling like he could love me enough. During the past few months there were a few occasions where he used phrases like, "I owe you so much" or "I could never repay you" and so on. I'd say each and every time that he doesn't owe me anything and doesn't need to match me. I just want his love, support and him. That was true the entire time. The woman he's with is financially unstable like him, unhappily married, etc. This is the perfect recipe for him to temporarily give her what she thinks she needs. It just sucks so much. I really did only want him to love me, be supportive, etc. I don't understand why he couldn't see that. He knows I didn't want money or to be taken care of. I clearly valued him otherwise I wouldn't be so much of an emotional wreck and practically pining for him. And after what he did I just feel used and taken advantage of. Which ironically makes me feel unappreciated and not valued. I paid the rent, supported him emotionally and with his work, drove hundreds of hours to be with him when we were long distance, paid for vacations in Europe, Central America, bought him a trip to see his best friend who he never sees, we started a business together (which has gotten messy since the breakup), got him a dog and so much more and he loved it. And I totally get if he can't repay me for it and that was never a problem, but I don't understand how someone could complain about not being able to provide value while cheating on me and continually hurting me. And I don't understand why a man would keep saying all these wonderful things they know are breaking my heart and making it so much harder to understand. Sorry for the this response, just needed to vent that out. Thanks again!
Thanks so much for your quick response and I'm happy to donate! :) You guys do such an awesome job responding to people and it's the least I could do. I just don't understand why he's doing this. Even the day we broke up he was so loving. I wish this was like a normal breakup where we just broke off ties but he contacts me all the time, even when he's with this other woman. Even when I don't reply he still texts me. This whole thing is heartbreaking and I guess I'll never understand why he threw away a good relationship. I'll never understand why he led me on. He even discussed and said he wanted to marry me the day before we broke up. One last question for you and I should be good to go. Why do men say things like this and do things like that if they don't mean it? Please keep in mind we did not discuss marriage a lot. I've been in breakups before and this is the first one where someone has given me so many mixed signals and was super wonderful up to the day we broke up. He says he has a hard time letting me go, since even after the breakup and while he's having sex with that married woman, he still finds reasons to contact me, writes me 6 page emails (not an exaggeration) and even sent me a birthday gift. Why all the mind games? Is this just to string me along in case he changes my mind? Thanks again for your help and no worries this is the last question. Thanks again! You guys are awesome! :)
@Melissa.......Thank you for your donation. We do appreciate it! So we'll start by saying we're sorry. This is hard. And we'll try to shed some light on what he might be thinking, feeling, and going through. First off, understand that his actions mean more than his words. He may be saying he'll always love you, and that he wants you in his life, yet, he left. We think the other woman was a convenient way of leaving a relationship he felt had run its course. Meaning, we doubt he'll end up with this woman, but that doesn't mean he'll be back. And honestly, from what you describe he may have been holding you back in some ways. Maybe the two of you were holding each other back? You moved and took a job you didn't want, and he felt "less than" being in a relationship with a woman who is more "successful" than him. This may be why he feels he's not valuable to you. This has to do with him, not you. You can't change that about him. And you shouldn't try to be subservient to make it all good. It's a male ego thing. Some guys would think you were the perfect woman, but to him, you make him feel like he's not good enough. Once again, it's him, not you. So we think you need to think long and hard about your relationship. We know it's fresh, and you're hurting, but from our point of view, your relationship may very well have run its course. And maybe he recognized that before you. What do you think? We truly are sorry. Ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. And take care.
And just one more thing. I do know I need to move on. It's been just one day since we contacted each other. The longest we both have went was 4 days so I'm trying really hard. I also know what he did was wrong. I also know that we probably shouldn't be in a relationship until he can address these issues he's having. I just can't get rid of the feeling that he's making a mistake or that he should have worked things out with me. He seems to think we have issues as people, but we got along so well. Living together was awesome. Before we moved in together, he had serious doubts we would get along (we did the long distance thing for almost a year) but he was wrong and admits it. We travel a lot, go on long 48 hour road trips and always got along. We had 2 dogs together. And one more piece of background info that may be helpful. After seeing the messages with the other woman, I told him I was unhappy with some things in our relationship too. Mainly that he didn't communicate these feelings to me, and that he didn't seem to prioritize our relationship or things I needed sometimes. For instance I moved to this state for him. I accepted a job I dislike to help pay the bills, but I have my MS. I want to be in a different field but those jobs are in different states. I was happy to stay in this state for 2-3 years for his career, but made it clear to him that after a few years I'll need to move and get more established in my field unless I find another job here that's applicable. Oh and one last detail. The last few times we talked, he keeps asking me if I'm leaving the state. Will I stay in the city. He wont tell me why. He says it's because he's thinking of living in our apartment complex and wants to see if that's okay with me since we might be neighbors. It's so confusing. He says we can't go back to what we were, he'll never be mine again, but says all these things that imply the opposite.
My ex and I broke up a month ago. He's 29 and I'm 25. We were really happy before things ended and even discussing marriage and our future together. We were together for 2 years and lived together during the past year. About a month before we broke I had seen a message he wrote to this unhappily married woman (who lives 1000 miles away). Yes, it was inappropriate and yes he denied anything was going on, and yes, I believed him. But in the message he mentioned how he felt I didn't want to be with him, how our relationship gave him boundaries, and how he was happy to feel valuable to this other woman. I talked about it with him and worked to address the issues, lighten up and just try to have fun together. I wanted to show him I wanted us so badly and he seemed so happy. He teaches and canceled a couple of classes to spend days with me, surprised me with lunches at work, did all the things we've been wanting to do, etc. Well after a beautiful morning where we cuddled in bed for hours, and he wanted to make love, he started crying and broke up with me. A few days later I coincidentally saw him with the other woman. I'm not sure what happened and I'm not sure if he does. When I found out, he said he broke up with me because he knew he wanted to spend time (i.e., have sex) with this woman. Originally he had suggested a break and space apart, but I had said let's just break up. Then he said we had issues as people that we couldn't work out. I asked him what these issues were and they were so stupid. For instance, we take 10 minutes to discuss what to eat for dinner, or I work weekends so I have to be in bed by 1am on a Saturday night. We did have deeper issues like we say things we don't mean (never verbally abusive) in fights but that is something we've been working on and we hardly fight. Our last big fight was the message with the woman and before that it was around the holidays. It's a process but I was happy to work on it. Ever since the breakup we haven't been able to stop talking to each other. I'm trying to not contact him now. He says he will always love me, I'll always mean the world to me, and that he'll always be there for me. He sends me random messages saying he's praying that somehow we can be a part of each other's lives again. He'll call me up and we'll talk for over an hour and he sounds so happy, and sometimes he'll cry because he misses me so much. However, he flew 1000 miles to spend 2 weeks with this other woman, who I am assuming is on a break from her husband. He was writing these messages while with her. In one of his messages he said, "I'm worried I'm telling myself a terrible lie. That I'm not in a place where I can love someone the way I need to in order to start a family." I make way more money than him and always will. He's in a challenging career (he's a writer) where everything is competitive and the payout is low. I partially supported him (he did pay for the utilities and some of the rent), lent him my car when his broke down, always supported him with his writing, and he admits that I treated him so good and am an amazing woman. I'm not sure why he threw this away. I don't know what he's doing with the other woman. She's married and he met her 3 months ago. He says he'll never be mine again and wont come back. He thinks we have all these issues as people and could never go back to what we once were. He also thinks I deserve someone who I could love without the caveats, and he tried to hide the other woman but now that I found out, he knows I deserve so much better than this. Yet even when he's with this woman he's writing me messages, calling me, texting, emailing, etc. I'm trying to not contact him. It breaks my heart and I made it clear to him that we can never be friends or anything else until he does some serious life reevaluations. What are your thoughts on this?
Another thing I forgot to tell you guys. I told him at least to tell me to move on. But he didn't. He didn't tell me anything about moving on or to leave him alone.
It's okay. He replied to me today in the morning. He said he has been busy lately. We talked a little. He ended up saying he was also hurt physically and mentally about what happened with us. I don't know if I should believe him though. Cuz how did he get hurt? The way I look at it is this: He had a girl for six mouths and quick got another girl. So how did that hurt him?
@Samantha....We're sorry. Hang in there.
@Dia......Yes he is. Stringing you along that is. Keep focusing on yourself and try to ignore him. He's trying to keep you in an emotional holding pattern like we've said, and you're still allowing him to do so.
@Megan......We're sorry. It sounds like it's too soon to know how this will go. But honestly, the ball is in his court. To us, he's hedging his bets. He wants to move on but doesn't want to lose you just in case he changes his mind. It's a tough place to be for you. An emotional holding pattern. Take care.
Thanks for you help. But silly me, I didn't wait for what you guys had to say and I told him how I felt. He never replied to me after that. I don't know if I scared him away or he's trying to keep his distance :( that was the last thing I wanted him to do. Now I don't think he even wants to be friends anymore.
I've cut off contact with this guy.. I find it a lot harder to even continue to find ways to distract myself when there always seems to be a reason to talk. I don't understand why exactly. I do realize though, that if I don't reply to whatever he says or even go out of my way to say hello, he instantly figures out a way to contact me providing an open-ended question I feel compelled to answer. I've told him we can't be friends. It's not healthy for me, nor do I want a wedge to be squeezed between us where that obligation needs to remain platonic: I can't be in love with someone who doesn't love me the same way. Apparently he's trying every way to at least continue to string me along.
Guys, I completely understand. I'm keeping hope and staying positive however. I am trying to be the girl he fell in love with again. The fun, happy, and outgoing Megan. One thing I don't understand what to make of it is what he is telling some people, what others are assuming, and what he is telling me. We broke up, he said he didn't want to be with me. That this was it. A few days later he told a mutual female friend that he needs time before we can even take again. She asked "what about if Megan moves on?" To which he replied "it will suck but it might be for the best." And a few days after that when him and I talked, he said that he still is set on the same decision. I asked if he loved me and he said "I don't want to tell you yes and give you hope but I don't want to say no because I would be lying. I don't understand what to make it! I haven't talked to him in a week, other than to make sure he was okay because I saw a lot of cops speeding into his neighborhood as I was on my way home to which he actually responded and said he was "inside and fine, thanks though." If I give more time, will that be my best bet? I have this gut feeling that him and I will be together but like normal, thinking gets the best of you sometimes so I'm stuck doubting it. I'm so lost.
@Rachel........Hmm......we think the ball's in his court. If he really wants to date you he'll pursue you. But from what you describe, he seems like a player to us. Or at least someone who might be difficult to be in a relationship with. Try not to get blindsided by his looks and charm. Look at the whole picture.
@JoJo....To us, it sounds like he's playing with you. Whatever he's doing it's confusing. And that should tell you something right there. Do you really need a guy who communicates like this? Sounds like a lifetime of confusion.
Hey Guys! I have a minor issue with a guy I started seeing. We are both military and both currently on a back to back deployment on the same ship. Both of us are in pretty stressful situations. We started talking at the end of the first deployment and hung out a little bit before we did the second deployment. Half way through this second deployment we had a silly argument. I do admit that I was a little clingy right after the fact which led to another minor fight that ended with him saying don’t bother me anymore. We are not talking. It’s been a week and I know he needs space. I’m just in need of some reassurance that what I’m doing is the right thing. He is a bit of a hot head and when this argument went down I know he was being a dick to everyone, not just me. He is beautiful and there are guys just waiting in line to have a chance with him. Part of me worries that this is over and he’ll just pick another girl…the other part of me says, fuck him and move on. I guess time will only tell…. It’s particularly hard because I do see him every day. I try to pretend I don’t notice him most of the time. His friends and the guys he works with still say hi regardless if they are with him or not. Given the situation, should I wait for him to come to me or if I don’t hear from him in let’s say the next month, should I make an effort? If it’s not meant to be than it’s not meant to be…and if that’s the case I would still like to be friends.
Guys , sth i dont understand . During the end of our conversation , i already said it's not a right time to resume friendship, let's move on and wtever about future. He then said it's good to stop talking because distance may make our heart grow fonder in future. I don't understand , i already show signs of giving up , why he still giving false hope?
@Dia.......You can't control who your guy hangs out with. Obviously he needs this guy for some reason. Maybe he's substituting for his own father; maybe he wants to model his life after him. You've got to let him do what he's got to do. If that's who he seeks out now, then that's who he needs in his life right now. It's unfortunate because you see things differently than him, and maybe you see the big picture and he doesn't. But this is where he's at right now. We also think you're obsessing over this and it's not helping you. We know it's very hard, but you've really got to try hard to focus your mind on some other things. And, are you talking to anyone about this? A professional? It might help you. Take care of yourself.
@JoJo......You're not listening to what he's saying. When a guy says he doesn't have time it means he's not interested. But he's trying to let you down easy. And yes, he's giving you false hope. We think it's time to move on completely. Don't be friends with him just because you hope he might change his mind. That's just going to keep you in an emotional holding pattern.
@Samantha.......If he's interested he'll pursue you. Just be careful he doesn't come back just because you've turned 18. If you catch our drift.
Guys, I had another thing to add.. Remember when I had mentioned he had dinner within hours of the breakup with a professor he highly admires? Last night, a group of friends of my brother and I were sharing a conversation when he came up and they were of course asking what happened. They're also mutual friends of his and had absolutely NO idea that this was even going on. I explained briefly... and when asked what had happened that night, I casually mentioned the dinner he had with his professor and then the movie we went to go see. The look on their faces was interesting- they all seemingly had the same reaction: shock. then they proceeded to explain how a couple of them had met with this professor casually over drinks and my ex came up in conversation by his TA when he mentioned he had been acting somewhat odd this past month. someone blurted out that he was doing things out of the ordinary, including breaking up with me. Apparently the professor was immediately upset stating, "that's not AT ALL what I meant when I told him to be selfish and alone in his decisions...What is he doing?" I felt it somewhat enlightening cause I know this professor of his has served as an inspiration to him and his entire life- in a nutshell, if he could BE him, he would totally jump at the opportunity for the chance to be a carbon copy. He goes to him for things he wont even approach his own father about. The thing about this man, is that although he is extremely successful in ALL that he does, he is alone. and he even broke off an engagement he felt was holding him back from becoming a great musician because he felt his time could not be dedicated to both loves. this is something he admits to and is not proud of... I know him personally as well, but I did feel my ex needed guidance from who he saw fit to give it to him regarding his career decisions. Never did i really think he'd do something that drastic. Not that this is going to matter much with the decision he's ALREADY made; I just found it interesting that when I HAD brought it up that night asking what he had told him to convince him this was the right idea, he denied it after much hesitation that he had said anything to convince him he needed to be alone... literally within hours of the conversation with his professor, we were no longer together..
My 2-year bf broke up with me. He has been a workaholic since we met . He left his employment and started a pharmacy on his own. then he started to get real busy and we only manage to date once per month (or even less). One day we had a MINOR fight on phone (regarding his time spent on me) and he suddenly ask me left him alone forever. I thought he just need little space. After a month , i called him up and he said he actually means breaking up. I beg him stay. He said even he stay , he still doesn't have time on me and it's unfair to me. He claimed his family requesting him earning lots of money. Then he said we can be good friends instead , supporting each other emotionally when stressed at work. I asked "U don't love me anymore , do u ?" . He answer "i dont have the time" . He said the title of boyfriend makes him suffocated. He said i am a good girl and i have done nth wrong , so we can resume friendship (pure friendship not friends with benefits). we can still meet up , talking to each other. I said i need some time to get healed, let's stop contacting each other for some time before resuming friendship. He agrees with it , saying maybe after some time he see hope between us and we can get back together. ( i'm not sure if he was manipulating me by giving me a false hope to get back tgt ?) Can you give me some advise, what is really on his mind ? Thx.
Btw, he also poked me back on my birthday. I had poked him before I found out about him and his now ex. He even deleted her off Facebook and all the pictures they took together
Hey Guys, I'm back. Last time I asked if the guy that I was kind of seeing from church would come back. He and I would be together every now and then for half a year. Well, I found out yesterday that he broke up with the girl he replaced me with three days before my birthday. I started texting him again today, but in a friendly way. I wanna go back with him and give him a second chance. But the thing is I don't know if he'll want me back. And I'm finally 18. He texted me at midnight, wrote on my Facebook wall (he was the first person to write on my wall at midnight too btw) to wish me a happy birthday. He also Facebook messaged me a really long paragraph wishing me a happy birthday. But he ended it with "love you very much." I don't know if he meant it in a family way or the other way. I wanna tell him I still have feelings for him. I don't know what to do. What do you guys think?
Hey guys, So after not contacting him at all I received a message Sunday morning asking to meet with him at a designated time. He said, "It'll be quick... I have somewhere else to be again, but if you can meet at that time it would work well." A huge part of me wanted to be mean and bail, but I decided not to. I drove up and he sat in his car for a good while until realizing I was actually right behind him. As soon as he got out it was possibly one of the most awkward things ever. He didn't really look at me at first; his eyes shifted towards the ground and he had his arms across his chest before he proceeded to ask me how I was. He then opened his arms and asked for a hug. It was brief, and not tight in any way. I found that strange.. So I continued on with the conversation just asking how he's been and what he's been up to. He explained projects he's been working on, then asked about my own.. Then said, "I'm glad to see you're doing great..." I just smiled and replied, "yeah.. I'm fine." While i thought the conversation was going to end up being longer than it did, he asked for the prayer card I had for him. I had originally bought him a personalized journal for graduation in which I wrote something in it for encouragement a few weeks prior to our break up. I decided it would still be best to give it to him- if not, those words would remain unsaid and I'd be left with a journal that serves ME no purpose. I handed it to him, he thanked me and I got in my car to drive away. He stopped me and asked for another hug... I kept thinking about how weird he was acting. It was strange. I felt almost like I was talking to him for the first time EVER in our entire lives and he was somewhat being like a shy little boy. I hugged him, said I had to leave to meet with a friend and hurried off while he stayed in his car for one reason or another.. After I drove off I received several messages: "you're so incredible. Thank you so, so very much. What you wrote means the world to me in ways that you could not understand. I haven't been trying to push you away, I just feel that I need to give you space and I'm trying to do that in every way I see possible.. I don't mean to come off as cold. I'm not trying to push you away, I promise. I could never want that. I just want to know that if we ever decided to be friends, that we'll both be ready for that.. Getting out of your way is for my own peace of mind." I explained how bailing on me last minute on Friday felt like a cowardly excuse not to see me... especially since what he was late for only turned up to be fraternity after party.. Right when I crossed the stage after commencement my phone went off alerting me that he had deleted me from several social networks and changed the relationship status almost at the exact same time. I didn't realize that until after, of course, but it hurt to know that he WAS at the ceremony with friends for a friend of his, HID away while HIS friends came up to me asking me to celebrate with them all that night... I stayed with family instead. Regarding what I wrote, "If that at all brought some clarity or encouragement to your current situation, that's all that it was meant for. Words are words. They can mean all or nothing and to me that's just the surface of it.. If they touched you in any way, like you say they did, they did their job for I am no longer in a position to be able to show you what I mean. Good luck in the future. I wish you nothing but the best." theeeeeeennn he tried to start an argument about it..over text message... "What's done, is done. I'm not taking the time to argue this; I've done all I can. I'll reciprocate the understanding that we said we'd be here for each other. but until then all I'm asking for is open communication. nothing more.", I said. I never got a response until the next morning saying, "I agree." I'm so confused. I'm trying to be strong for the sake of my own mind. But i just feel like the awkwardness between us is laying somewhere between "I wanted to check up on you to see you're alive without me" and "I'm hoping you're not moving on" -_- What do you all think?
@Dia.......Okay. So did you see him?
@Chanel.....Well, we can't help you get him back but we can assure you that this is a two-way-street and NO, everything is NOT your fault. So stop blaming yourself. We imagine this has a ways to go before any final decision is made, but the ball is in his court.
@Jessie......Well, it's clear something keeps bringing the two of you back together but the "why" is up for debate. You seem to think it's unconscious chemistry but it could be something else. Familiarity perhaps. Fear. Loneliness. (Yes that can happen while dating someone.) Maybe he's horny? Who knows. The reason we say this is because your relationship sound tumultuous and we don't think that's going to change. Some people like that sort of relationship. Constant up and downs. It keeps them on their toes and seems exciting. But sometimes people can love each other and still have a hard time being in a relationship. So to answer your question: Yes, it's very possible you'll get back together. It's also very possible you'll break up again and fall into familiar patterns after a time. Why don't you wait and see how this plays out? That would be our advice. Don't rush back into this and definitely don't start having sex with him until you're firmly entrenched in a committed relationship. Otherwise you'll fall into a FWB.
@Megan......We're really sorry, but there's not much we can say. He has to want to come back. And it has to be him to initiate any sort of reconciliation. One thing we will say is that don't blame yourself for this. Breakups are a two way street. It's likely he was doing something to make you feel extra clingy and possessive. Hang in there and just see how this plays out. Maybe he'll come around, but not if you continue to be possessive and try to get him to talk to you or be friends with you. The ball is in his court.
Hey guys, just another update... Today is commencement.. apparently this guy has been spending every single evening before today getting as wasted as possible and avoiding his family and closest friends... I've heard some random things that are very uncharacteristic of him have been happening, but I don't think much of them since I would much rather mind my own business and not know. I am concerned for him however; He's never really "partied" this much.ever. Off and on, I'll get the occasional text message asking how I am or random things he's experienced throughout the day. At one point he asked if I was okay now that my final exams are over... I was on the phone with a friend and forgot to reply to which i received messages within minutes apart when i did not immediately respond. When I did, I said, "I'm fine. promise." and was immediately given a "ok.good." text with no later reply... He's been fluctuating between being nice, friendly and off the wall, down right cold... We were supposed to meet up yesterday, as requested. He had reminded me that morning that he had a rehearsal and would text me later that evening when he was out. I spent the entire day with family before realizing that he had not messaged or called me at all since then, and it was already pretty late. He was rehearsing nearby, and I could have sworn that I saw his car drive by my aunt's front yard while we were outside stargazing... I messaged him, "If you still wanted to meet, let me know- if not, it's cool." He replied: "I've been in a five hour rehearsal and now I'm two hours late for something I had planned. Can we meet on Sunday?" me: "I was expecting to meet with you tonight, but that's okay.. just let me know." him: "If you REALLY want me to cancel, I'll turn around and drive ALLLL the way back to your place. But please, let's not argue about this and just meet on Sunday." I didn't reply... I don't understand what's going on. Is he chicken? obviously he was nearby to where I was at and didn't even bother contacting me until it was super late.. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I'LL be busy. I don't want this to be a game; but I feel like this is something he's testing the waters with.
A guy I've been seeing for 3 months recently ended things due to his increasing family and financial problems. He mentioned these problems early on in the relationship but last month is when it got worse. He kept me posted about what was going on but our in-person contact started to decrease. I was becoming uncomfortable with not seeing him very often so I asked if it was possible to see more of him. He said it wouldn't be a problem. After not hearing from him for over a week he sent a text telling me that these problems were too much and he's not been himself lately. He said it was unfair to bring me into this and that he hoped I understood he needed this time to fix those problems. He said he was happy he's met me. And that was that. I never responded to it. There wasn't anything I could say or do to change the situation. It's been almost a month since we had any contact. Although it was a brief encounter, it had an impact on me. Needing to sort out personal issues - is that ever a valid reason or is it just a convenient excuse? I'll always wonder if those problems weren't happening if it would have turned out differently. I'm accepting that I probably won't ever hear from him again but people say they always come back. I don't know if I believe that.
me and my boyfriend had been dating for a year and a little bit. we loved eachother and yes we did have fights but we always got through them. recently he has broken up with me, out of the blue. we had been fighting for the month before but that was because i was having family issues and i was stressed out. everytime i wanted to end things, he would beg for me back and i knew i couldnt let him go because i loved him. he is telling my friends and his friends that he doesnt have feelings for me and that i treated him like crap. i admit i fought alot but he always understood i was going through something.i did keep contacting him asking him to give me a chance and he said i'll think about it and then no. but even so we were talking and had phone calls and no he says he hates me. i never cheated or did anything with anyone so i didnt understand why he hated me so much and neither did his friends. i really want him back and not because i am lonely. i really do love and care about him. he started saying he wants nothing to do with me and he doesnt want me to ever talk to him again. i really dont understand what happended. please help me. i feel like everything is my fault.
hello. please i need your advice. my ex and i broke up last year, in october. all the arguments and misunderstandings really just took it's toll on us that we ended up breaking up. we were both hurt, we didn't talk, no contact for almost two months. by december, i met someone. about the 3rd week of the same month, i started dating him. then three days after christmas, my ex went back and contacted me again, told me how he missed me and that he was sorry. i really missed him too, but told him i was dating someone. he got angry and hurt and stopped talking to me again for days. january, i finally made it official with the guy i'm dating, out of hurt because of my ex. but then my ex contacted me again, just trying to be friends. he apologized for the anger, and said he was just hurt because he wanted more from the last conversation we had and it looked like i didn't want any part of it. truth is, i did. i just had to consider the guy i was dating then. we always had that chemistry, we never get bored of each other. he agreed to be friends. then later, we started subtly flirting again, we couldn't help it. i still want him, love him. all the while i was thinking about my current boyfriend, how i should and have to break it off with him. i was cheating on him with my ex. february 14 i was with my ex. it was amazing, i knew i had to get back with him. then the next morning, i found a text on his phone from a girl (a valentine greeting and an i love you), who used to pursue him but he never gave her the chance cause he was pursuing me. i confronted him about it, i was jealous. he denied pursuing her or being in a relationship with her, or being in contact at all. the girl just sent him the text not expecting a reply. at the time i wasn't convinced, i didn't believe him. then he said i shouldn't even be upset, since i have a boyfriend. that started a huge argument, i was so angry, and he was really angry at me too. i told him i regret ever loving him, these words i regret saying right after they came out of my mouth. i made hasty decisions then. i abruptly broke up with my boyfriend then, and contacted neither of them. we stopped talking for another almost two months until i found out he finally got with the girl who was pursuing him. he told me he was stupid for overlooking her, ignoring her for me, when she obviously cares about him. i apologized to him but i didn't expect him to come back to me. he started ignoring me again. i knew he told me this bit because he was greatly hurt by my words last time we argued, and he wanted to hurt me too. i understand his side now.. that was last march. april came, and he contacted me again. this time we were friendlier. more casual with each other, when he finally accepted my apologies. i knew he misses me, as i miss him too. we slowly got back into being friends, and although it was still there, the attraction, the unconscious chemistry, i didn't push it. i was happy to be the friend who loves and cares about him. then i found out he wasn't exactly happy with his gf. he opened up to me, said i was his breathing air. i tried to be an encouraging friend, maybe they could still work, although deep inside i was thinking they weren't working out because i know his heart is still seeking me out. and then just last week they finally broke up, after an argument about the girl's overwhelming expectations. and we're back on our little routines, the intellectual convos, the chemistry, the jokes, the good times and hang outs. i don't wanna push him into getting back with me, i know it's too soon, but do you guys think us getting back together stands a chance? should i wait and see where this leads us again?
Hey Guys, I really need your help. My boyfriend of one year and three months broke up with me two weeks ago. We were in a really bad fight. We have been fighting a lot lately because I have been going through a lot and it has been putting my nerves on edge. He had broken up with me a few times before but only few of them have actually resulted in a separation. I get it. I'm clingy. I'm possessive and I want to be with him all the time. I am not the only one who made mistakes in our relationship but I do take the blame for a lot that went wrong. I have made promises that things will change and nothing changed. It wasn't because I didn't want to but more so because I didn't know how. I'm trying to make the changes now and I've made alot of improvements but I'm scare its too late. Our break up was really bad this time. It's never been this bad. I promised that things would change because I know they will. I'm so determined to make things change because I want to be with him so bad because I love him so much. But he isn't budging. He said he has mad up his mind and that he has decided we aren't going to be together. Even a week of not talking to him I tried again, hoping he felt better about us and he still feels this way. I know he loves me very very much. When I went over the other day I tried to convince him to come back to me and trust me. He still wouldn't but when I asked him for a goodbye hug he hugged me like he normally would and I was crying and telling him how much I loved him and he cried too. He said I will be okay. When I asked if we could be friends he said not right now. I understand why. I understand everything. But I really want to be with him. I'm trying so hard to better myself and be happy again for me but I also want him to see it and miss me. Help me please. He is my "one." How can I get him back? Please help.
@Jane........Well, he's either depressed or no longer in love with you and afraid to tell you. But if he's not going to communicate with you about how he truly feels then this just going to drag on and on. What about couples therapy? That might be a less "threatening" measure than him going to see a therapist by himself. At least it might help him open up a a bit more. That would be our suggestion. See what he says. The bottom line: If he keeps acting like this, but refuses to get help, and then continues to shut you out, it's going to be up to you to make the decision to stay or leave. And ultimately it might come to that anyway. What do you want Jane? If he continues to be this new person, do you want to stay with him?
@susie....You're welcome. Take care.
Hi guys, i am in a really tough situation now and i don’t know what to do. my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 years and been living together for over 1,5years. everything was really great between us, but in the beginning of the year, i noticed something was wrong with him, he stopped communicating, was very cold and harsh towards me. i asked him and he said he was fine, but one day i got home and he said he needs a break, he doesn’t know what’s happening to him but he is not ok, he is unsure of everything, etc. the next day he said he is sorry he put me thru that, that he loves me and doesn’t want a break, everything is fine. so things were fine for 3 more months, and then it happened again. he started being weird again and then he said he needs a break because he is depressed, doesn’t know if he loves me or not, he keeps having a lot of thoughts and he is feeling generally bad. so he left. for a week, he left and we didn’t talk. it was the worst time ever, no contact whatsoever. he came back, and he said that he loves me, he thinks he’s depressed and he doesn’t know how to control it. but that it has nothing to do with me, and that i should try and understand him. i have tried really hard to be there for him, to understand him, support him, not stress him with questions or be demanding in anyway. he has days where he is really ok and nice to me and we have fun, and days where he is very distant. he is a very introverted person and he rarely talks about his feelings and usually gets angry or snaps at me if i try to talk to him about that kind of stuff. i tried to talk him into going to at least one session of therapy (and if he doesn’t like it, he can stop going) – that was just a nice way to put it, but he absolutely refuses, makes up excuses and so on. he got kind of mad when i wanted to talk to him about it. i really don’t know what i can do to make things better, to try to get him to open up – he doesn’t talk about this stuff, not even with his friends. this is really exhausting and consuming also for me, as i try to be careful about what i say or do, since is very touchy and sensitive. i just wish there was something i can do to make it all go away, and to make him back to the way he was/we were. (forgot to mention, i am 25, he is 29 and there are no problems or dramas happening – our jobs are great, we have a house, a car, the families are great, so i really have no idea what’s going on). any ideas?
Hi guys, i am in a really tough situation now and i don’t know what to do. my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 years and been living together for over 1,5years. everything was really great between us, but in the beginning of the year, i noticed something was wrong with him, he stopped communicating, was very cold and harsh towards me. i asked him and he said he was fine, but one day i got home and he said he needs a break, he doesn’t know what’s happening to him but he is not ok, he is unsure of everything, etc. the next day he said he is sorry he put me thru that, that he loves me and doesn’t want a break, everything is fine. so things were fine for 3 more months, and then it happened again. he started being weird again and then he said he needs a break because he is depressed, doesn’t know if he loves me or not, he keeps having a lot of thoughts and he is feeling generally bad. so he left. for a week, he left and we didn’t talk. it was the worst time ever, no contact whatsoever. he came back, and he said that he loves me, he thinks he’s depressed and he doesn’t know how to control it. but that it has nothing to do with me, and that i should try and understand him. i have tried really hard to be there for him, to understand him, support him, not stress him with questions or be demanding in anyway. he has days where he is really ok and nice to me and we have fun, and days where he is very distant. he is a very introverted person and he rarely talks about his feelings and usually gets angry or snaps at me if i try to talk to him about that kind of stuff. i tried to talk him into going to at least one session of therapy (and if he doesn’t like it, he can stop going) – that was just a nice way to put it, but he absolutely refuses, makes up excuses and so on. he got kind of mad when i wanted to talk to him about it. i really don’t know what i can do to make things better, to try to get him to open up – he doesn’t talk about this stuff, not even with his friends. this is really exhausting and consuming also for me, as i try to be careful about what i say or do, since is very touchy and sensitive. i just wish there was something i can do to make it all go away, and to make him back to the way he was/we were. (forgot to mention, i am 25, he is 29 and there are no problems or dramas happening – our jobs are great, we have a house, a car, the families are great, so i really have no idea what’s going on). any ideas?
Thanks so much for your fast response! It helps to get another perspective. :)
@Susie......Every time a person starts a note by saying, "my boyfriend has been dealing with a lot of pressure lately" we know how it's going to go: The boyfriend uses his stress as an excuse to break things off with his girlfriend. The girlfriend—you—then thinks it's all her fault and she promises to change. The reality is different. If he told you he needs time to think, it's because he's been thinking about it for a while. Why do we say this? Because stressful times should bring people together, not push them apart. Sure, stress can cause havoc in a relationship, but when one partner is dealing with a lot, often they need their partner more, not less. That said, give him the space he's asked for. The ball is in his court. We're sure he's going to contact soon. And yes, try to be supportive, but don't go over the top with apologies. This is not just about you. Its about him.
I just wanted to add that we've been together for over 3 years. Thanks in advance for your advice.
I am 46 and my boyfriend is 48. He has been dealing with a lot of added pressure at work over the last few months. in addition, his father has become ill and has been in a rehabilitation facility for the last 6 months after falling and breaking his hip. He is not getting any better, and his health insurance will be running out soon. Needless to say, my boyfriend needs a lot of support right now. But stupidly, I started to put out some 'insecure' vibes because I really missed him and wanted to spend more time together. We used to spend 4-5 days together, including some weekends. Now we spend 2-3 days together without any weekends. Because of his stress, I tried not to show when I was frustrated, but he sensed it anyway. Lately I have had really had a hard time expressing my feelings to him because I don't want to add to his stress. He can't do anything about my frustration anyway. I have a lot of work pressures myself, and he has been wonderful about trying to help me with things around the house and supporting me with other issues that come up. Until recently our relationship has been wonderful. But 10 days ago I acted 'depressed' and didn't tell him why. I just said I was tired. When it was time to go home, I wasn't as warm and fuzzy as I usually am and I left his house after a short hug and kiss with very little eye contact. I was sad that he wasn't his usual happy self lately, but I didn't want to tell him. Very wrong attitude for me to take, I know! Anyway, after 2 days I texted him saying How are you? and I miss you! and Will I get to see you this week? He texted me back saying he's not coming this week. He needs a break and some time to think. He's very overwhelmed with work and his parents. I called him and he said the way I left the other day really hit him hard and he needs some time to think. I profusely apologized and promised a drastic change in my attitude. He said he's not breaking up with me and he loves me very much, but he just needs a break to work on some things for his father's long term care...and to think. I asked if he was thinking about whether he wanted to be with me or not, and he said yes. I said ok, and that I completely understand and respect that. I said I would not call or text him and I would give him all the time he needs. He said thank you and we ended with him saying I love you and me saying I love you too. This was a real wake up call for me. I should have realized he needed my support, not me being insecure and passive. There has been no contact between us whatsoever in 8 days. We have never gone more than 4-5 days without texting or talking with each other. I miss him so much right now. 1. Is there anything I can do to reassure him I won't act like that again? That I only want to be there for him and help him through this time? 2. How much time do you think he needs? 3. Do you think he will decide that he wants to stay with me? 4. How long should I wait before calling or texting him and what should I say if I make the first contact?
@Dia........Okay. Keep us posted. Keep your eyes open!
I feel the more I pull away from him, the more he feels inclined to contact me to check up on ME. Which, I guess is fine... I suppose it shows he cares in a way.. As of right now, I want him. And you're absolutely right, I can't control him. But I also DON'T want to be that ex girlfriend that turns into a best friend forever. My heart can't handle that kind of emotional beating. I can't MAKE him want me.. I suppose we'll see what Friday brings.. I'm not entirely sure why he insists on seeing me... I keep telling myself not to expect anything, but a small part of me is EXPECTING him to come back; only because he feels inclined to keep contact with me. Especially so soon. Being strung along is what it seems like.
@Dia....Well, what is it with you? What do you want Dia? That's the real question. Because you're in limbo right now and that has as much to do with you as it does with him. You can't control him. Who knows why he's doing what he's doing? We could all guess about his motivations. But what do you want? You're not going to move on until you decide to move on. Right now he's all in your emotional space. Do you want him there or not?
Hey guys, just another update: He contacts me every day.. I'm not entirely sure what it means, but at least twice a day I receive a random text message or email from him wishing me luck on my exams, calling me an amazing person and reminding me that he's here for whenever I need him. The other day a mutual friend of ours showed me a picture his ex girlfriend had posted on a social network with the caption "my ex boyfriend > yours"...I immediately stopped replying to his messages in which he called me. I explained to him that that was beyond uncalled for, but I can't be angry at HIM, because he no longer belongs to ME. He assured me that nothing happened and that they just ran into each other and decided to catch up at that moment. He said, "trust me.. There is NO ONE else, I could want NO ONE else. I have been nothing but honest with you, and she means nothing anymore. Don't do anything irrational, please..." Yesterday before my first huge exam, he sent me an email with a poem attached to "motivate" me... I read it. There was also an apology for doing what he did to me at this time.. I feel he's trying to make himself feel better, in a way. But I also feel that the more I pull away, the more he seems to want to send me good-night messages and check up on me via social networks or even by message. I recently felt like my faith was failing and by some weird coincidence, I received a package with two charms of St. Jude. I think he's lost. and he definitely needs guidance. I spoke with a friend of his who lives down the street from myself and asked him to give it to him... Shortly after that I received a message from him asking to meet with me for it instead... What is with this guy?
hey... I hope you guys remember me. You had asked me to send a mail to my ex and wait for him to contact me. I did that and he told a friend of mine that he was confused and needed time. This gave me some hope, but after 2 days he started posting on twitter n FB that he was back on the market etc etc. I got really confused I told it to my friend who got angry at me n my ex and called up my ex to know what was going on. After this he blocked me on twitter FB too :(. About two days back my best friend tried talking to him, but he said he could not be convinced and it was not going to happen, he said that I have hurt him too much and we could not be friend either cuz i would not act as a friend if that happened. I don't know what to do.. its really difficult to move on and accept that it's over.. I feel like such a big screw up.
@Heartbroken.....You've gone through a very traumatic event. (Your pregnancy and abortion.) Have you considered talking with a professional about how you feel and what you're going through? We think it might help. There's no shame in that. Many people seek help from an objective professional. Something to think about. We agree with you. If he really was that serious about you he wouldn't feel the need to go off with his friends and try to pick up girls. Sure, it could be that he's not mature, but it could also be that you're not the person he's looking for. Sorry, but we think we need to be honest with you. You're in an emotional holding pattern. You're pining away for this guy and he's off having a good time with his buddies. You need to focus on that. Right now, you're ignoring all his actions and obsessing over him. We are really encouraging you to talk to someone. Please consider it. Take care.
@Dia......You're just going to have to let this play out. Things will become clearer over time. Whether or not there's a real chance of reconciliation. Everyone feels how you're feeling during a difficult breakup. You not only lose your partner, your love, but their family as well. It's very, very difficult. And there's no "right" way to navigate these waters. We think it will become clear as you continue on. Meaning, right now it might be great to see his uncle, but in a year, it might not. It's hard to say. Keep moving forward and checking in with yourself to see if it's really working for you.
sorry, I posted this in that other forum before finding this forum that was more suitable for my problem. The long and short of it was he is 21 years old and I am 23 years old and we met at a club, neither of us was looking for anything serious, but eventually we did end up dating and being exclusive,it felt perfect. I did at some point take a break from our relationship at the earlier stages, I really wanted him to think about if he really wanted to do this and be in this relationship because i was concerned he may not want to get so serious because of his age and his social circle (all his close friends are single). He came back even more loving and said he was going to disregard any doubts he had like "living it up", and "being single" and focus on what he had because he said he had the best girl ever. He made me feel beyound special and i felt he was being sincere about it. We eventually became sexually active and then i got pregnant, it was a tough time especially after going through an abortion. I believe I was so hard on him, nothing he did could have be right. The reason why we broke up was the fact he said he felt so guilty thinking about things like "how many numbers can he get when hes at the club from girls with his friends" or if he sees something he feels i will like he will want to get it then fight it off and not get it and he felt horrible that he should think that because he felt i deserve the best. Before this break up he was trying to get me a promise ring and ask me out again because he felt the way he did it the first time was "Wack" and he wanted to start expressing himself, he did during the course of the relationship tell me how difficult it was for him because it was all new to him and he never needed to express his emotions to anyone. He always wanted me to be happy, he always wanted to be his best and he feels like hes not doing his best because when he came off age and could party and do whatever with his other single friends, it was basically what they had been waiting for, going to clubs, getting girls, then i came along and he got into a relationship so he feels he needs to get all that out of his system, and he did tell me that he knows it is selfish but he would come back to me if he finds out that the grass isnt greener on the other side, or he realizes what he has. I cant help but feel upset and so much in love with him because I feel maybe he could never have come clean and just did whatever he likes on the side. I dont know if i am crazy thinking that. I just don't get if i was that special to him, and he cared so deeply and you told everyone about me and even his family wanted to meet me, why just toss it all out. I just want to know if he will come back though. My feelings for him grows everyday and it breaks my heart that he could not try just a little harder to work through it
In a nutshell, What does this even mean? After reading the email I had questions about holding him back from his "natural desires"... I directly asked. He said it wasn't what I thought; that there could be no one else... I made it clear to him that I am disappointed in him, more than hurt- even though devastation is my current dilemma. I explained that I need time to figure out how I'm going to let him still be part of my life and not feel attached in the way that I have been for years now.. It's the hardest part. I mentioned that if he were to ever want THIS again, this relationship, that it wasn't going to be easy, and I'm not going to let it be easy because I can't take a heartbreak like this again. He said, "I understand. But this is not something we need to worry about now; we'll build those bridges when we get to them someday." The last thing I want is false reassurance... but it seems like he keeps saying in a round-about way that he'll be back. My family knows.. it's been a big red flag that he hasn't been to my place in days, which is very, very out of the normal... His, however, doesn't... and they continue to keep in contact with me through social networks and email. I love them so very much as well, and I don't want this ending to end the relationships I have formed with them either. His uncle who will be in town this weekend also contacted me asking if we would join him for dinner sometime soon. I responded, I did tell him that I would enjoy such a thing, but he was not likely to go or join us... His uncle is like his father. He is the only one of his family to know; and that is only because in tough times, he has been one I have learned to reach out to in times of turmoil and confusion. As a priest, his words are kind. We're scheduled to meet sometime within the next few days for coffee to talk. He did say, "...it is very true that two things can coexist and not exactly contradict each other. One can love another so much, that in times as such, stepping back from the relationship is what may be the best thing to strengthen it. at times it is temporal, as such; others it is not. He doesn't seem to have a clear line or definition of articulate problems in this relationship to define, or even fix at this point. And all relationships have problems: this is one of them. However, whatever the case, find comfort in expression and love."
@Dia......Interesting. Well, he seems like a thoughtful and insightful guy.
@Dia....Good luck. Thanks for keeping us posted.
Hey thanks a lot :) that was outright but helpful and most definitely right nevertheless :) I'll work on myself :D Thanx again.
@Giselle.......He's doing all of the above. He's looking for sympathy. He feels guilty. He's leaning on your for support. Basically, it's him, him, him. And that's why we said it's time to move on. Here's our issue. We say move on. You don't want to move on. There's not much more to say. You might not think it's that black and white but it is. This could go on indefinitely. At some point you have to say, enough is enough. If you're unwilling or unable to do that, then you have to be prepared for a variety of outcomes to happen, none of which we'd be able to predict. This guy is unstable. The situation is unstable. It's a tough time for him, and now for you. So, we're doing our best, but we're not sure what else to say. Sorry. Take care.
@Heartbroken........We asked you to consolidate on this post: I am confused about this guy; are we in a relationship. (Try to leave on only ONE post. It's less confusing.) Thanks.
okay so he pours out to me emotionally for 2 days straight. I talk about nothing else, but his emotional state. Even when he tried inquiring about me, i gave one word answers and quickly changed the topic to his emotional state. However, today i messaged him saying Let me know if you need to talk to me today ( thing is i was happily not contacting him, and then suddenly he comes and emotionally pours out to me - even when he has a million best friends and a possible unofficial gf/girl that likes him. ) and i don't want to go and leech onto him and ask him stuff, if he feels the need to emotionally rely on him, that's his issue, i can't keep holding on. So i sent im a message saying, Hey i won't keep asking you if anything went wrong, so just feel free to text me whenever you feel emotionally low . I have also pretty much shown him that, i'm not there to make petty conversations about other things, so im making it quite clear that im only talking to him because of his current condition and not out of my own interest. TOday however, he was very bland with his replies he said his father upset him and it made him cry even, and when i said what happened ? he said oh the same usual. And then i said are you okay ( to which i expected a NO), he said YUP :) and he seemed quite happy in general. So,I just let go. I need to know his current mental state right now. ( i mean did he break use his pitiful condition to break the NC and test if i'm all there for him, or is he emotionally relying on me, or what made him think he could come upto me and start this sort of a conversation ) Thanks guys for being so extremely helpful, but my approach towards this situation depends on if hes trying to get sympathy and talk to me/use me or he's genuinely upset or he's trying to feel less guilty of what he has done to me, so i can respond accordingly. I'm in a difficult situation because of his dads state and his emotional condition, otherwise i would have conveniently considered the previous response and just cut him off my life and work on myself. Sorry if I'm being pushy, but too many mixed signals here :\
I never got a reply guys :(;(:(: i know you guys try your best alot and ive read similar stories to mine, but i only hope you read my story and give me a personal "diagnosis" so to speak. My post was on 2013-04-30 :(:(:( please reply, I really need a guys perspective to this
This is the email I received today: Before I begin this feeble attempt at making sense of our current state of affairs, I have to first apologize for some things. First and foremost, for this email which could potentially end up being a novel at length, and second, for disposing of my original collection of ideas that I had originally planned on sending you. After you called me this afternoon in tears, I knew that I had something else to say, and had I sent you my original letter, it would have been out of touch. While I am going to try my very best to express myself exactly the way that I feel it, I also want to not repeat myself; I know you wish not to hear words that I've already said to you. -- Truth. Telling the truth is never easy. In fact, I think that it, the truth, being such a struggle to impart to another is what makes it so precious. Precious, however, I use loosely, because sometimes that precious knowledge is what causes us to veer into the darkest corners of our mind. I'm no stranger to the painful facet of truth. This you know, because I've shared it with you. I've let you into the darkest corners of my mind, allowed you to sit and frolic about while I stay back scared and confused. You've experienced the most irrational of my thoughts, ideas, and actions, and it would be no stretch to say that you've had me at my worst. You're surely no stranger to the truth that my mind is at a constant race against time while I blindly pursue what I wholeheartedly believe to be good. In a few short words, I myself do not even understand myself. This is the truth and I intend to tell it. The truth, which I have for so long searched and longed for, has not been an easy one to accept nor face as a man. I guess that's what makes it so precious, isn't it? Today. Today I've been asking many questions. I have often wondered why it is that life stabs at us at the many angles that it does. Though painful and often destructive to our being, I feel that without these strikes, we'd be motionless and left alone to dry in complacency while the world passes us by in one swift move. Since I've made the decision to tell you how I have been feeling, I've been living one long day. That day, today, has been the toughest one of my life for many reasons. For one, you know that I am a man of great ambitions and sometimes overwhelming dreams. Today, those dreams are as great as ever and fortunately, more overwhelming than ever. Fortunately, yes, because I am also feeling things I've never felt before, which to me, means that I am growing. Today, I am learning about myself in ways I was not before. I am alone in many regards, and at peace with myself in others. I know that it has been a war for you to accept this and I know that you are torn between immense hate and understanding compassion towards me. However, I can only pray that you will stay true to your own sphere of values and deliver unto me the spirit that is of the most truthful essence of your heart. I could ask for nothing more from you. Your words to me have been precious, because I have always valued your words in ways you will never know. Today, however, I must learn to also value my own words as well as my own ambitions, desires, decisions and consequently, my own mistakes. Trying. I feel that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to truthfully express myself and my reasoning. That could be a blessing or that could be a curse, and though I cannot figure out which it is, I can only try. For months leading up to my decision, I was fighting a great war within my heart between true love and compassion, ambition and selfless desire, knowledge and impulse, peace and conflict. I wanted nothing more than to be the man that I know you wanted to love. I made my greatest efforts to suppress my natural desires for the sake of your happiness. This was painful. I don't know how I managed it, but somehow I did. I truthfully thought that if I only pretended or imagined that everything was okay, that everything would somehow fall into place like a puzzle that had the capacity to solve itself. The wretched truth, however, is that no puzzle solves itself. Even more disturbing, this puzzle has still not solved itself and I have no idea when it may ever be remotely close to being solved. The honest truth, on the other hand, is that I feel at peace. I know that you never saw this coming and I know that I made it unfair for you to even expect it in the slightest way, but I tried. It has been written that love is pure and that love is not supposed to push itself upon two people. Love is mutual, not a one-way road. It is sure and no matter how profound it may be, it is never a question. Love is indestructible and it is rare in its most pure form. For me, my feelings contradicted all of this. I felt that our love was pushing itself upon me, that it was one-way, that it was a great question and that it hurt me enough times to know that I was deceiving you. Time. I know you may be scavenging through your brain for proof of somewhere that you went wrong. I know that no matter how hard I try to convince you otherwise, you'll always wonder what you could have done differently. The honest truth, is that you were near perfect for me. No one in my life has ever done so much for me, or understood me in the ways that you did or even supported me in the ways that you did. When you said it, you were correct: you did everything for me. All this I hope never changes about you because any man would be devastatingly lucky to have you in their life even as a friend. The bitter reality, however, is that although I am greatly blessed for your love, my heart does not reciprocate such things. I bear not the same desires that I once did before. This is not something I chose, this is something that has dug itself out from within and I am left with no choice but to be honest with you about it. It hurts me in the most indescribably ways to know that you are hurting so much because of this. I know that I have said everything that I have and although some of it might have been misunderstood, one thing is certain: this is how I feel and that is something that I have no control over. Time will heal everything and though some wounds leave scars, others heal without a trace. Time is what both of us have on our side and it is what we should be trusting more than anything else. Tamen. I want to let you into my mind and let you feel around for things that you still do not understand. I have desires that only I alone can fulfill, I have ambitions that only I alone can pursue, I desire experiences that only I alone can experience and I alone have many lessons to learn for me. We are at the most important part of our lives right now and although it may feel often like our worlds are falling apart, the truth is, our worlds have not yet begun to spin. I need to grow as an individual,and I need to learn to love myself before I can love someone as incredible as you. I need to make selfish decisions now so that I can be in place to put myself aside for the benefit of someone else in the future. I need to create and construct my world so that it is so strong and so firmly sound that it can not become the world for someone else, but so that it can coexist with someone else's world. As cliche as it may sound, I'm not ready for a lifelong commitment that begins now. All of these things I would hope that we both, together, can understand and agree on. I'm selfish right now and that I cannot change, nor do I desire for that to change. To be honest, that selfishness is one of my strengths. That selfishness, in fact, is what I need at this time in my life. As for you, being such an important person to you for nearly two years, I can only hope that you also grow in ways that you see fit for yourself. I hope that you rekindle many friendships that have been dimmed in the recent past, I hope that you discover new things about yourself that you never knew before, I hope you become the strongest, most independent woman that you possibly can, I hope that you experience things that will startle you and make you ask questions and most importantly, I hope that you fulfill every possible thing that you have ever dreamed of. you are incredible in ways that you'll never comprehend and I know that those things will never go away because they are who you are. I just hope that amidst all of this pain, we can take the time that will allow us to see things differently and still, somehow, be a part of each other's lives. I can only hope and pray for such a blessing, but I know that we are more than capable. Dia, this is me being the fairest that I can to your heart. You deserve the world, as I do, but deserving something and attaining something are two very different things. For now, we have much to attain and not so much to deserve. I admire you and I care about you so, so very much. I could never exclude you from any facet of my life. You are incredible, beautiful and the closest to perfection that I have ever been. All of this, however, I only hope that you can learn and understand from the inside out, and not just from someone telling you from the outside in. When I myself can understand that as an individual, I will be ready for true love. Until then, there's much life to live. We are forever friends, Dia, that is inescapable. I will forever be your biggest fan from afar and your most intimate admirer. I am not going anywhere. In all of this, I hope you have heard me and I hope you have better understood the nature of my decision. Infinitely and unboundedly yours forever
Thank you for your response! I recently (out of stupidity or habit, i'm not sure)called him and after ONE ring, I hung up immediately. "What the hell am I thinking?!" I thought to myself... He texted me back. I didn't reply. He then continued to call until I answered. When I heard his voice, it sounded...different. Distant, cautious, cold? Not the lovey, dovey "baby!" voice tinged with happiness... He asked if everything was okay and I just denied anything was wrong... UNTIL I cried. He just apologized and asked me not to make him feel guilty about breaking my heart. That although he has never been on the receiving end of something like this, he is trying to understand. I told him I was going to leave his stuff at his door. He told me to keep it. When I asked why he said, "because I know neither of us are going anywhere...and we're not going to scratch each other out of our lives." When I asked what he meant: "Just keep the stuff. It's okay. I know you'll keep it safe." WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?...he did spend the whole weekend getting drunk with friends he used to tell me he could not stand.. There's pictures and vines to prove it from a mutual friend of ours who used to have a crush on me in high school and recently felt the need to delete me off every social network of his and repetitively post things about him and his whereabouts...yes, this guy is trying to get into medical school...anyways: I'm also waiting on that letter still...which he just mentioned he'd send tonight. We shall see what it says... I'll update soon. Thanks.
Hey, thankyou guys :) I really wanted to know where i stand. But also, my main question was concerning, why he is emotionally pouring out to me, while he probably has something else going on with a girl out there. And it's not even like we're friends because it's a fresh breakup, and he began pouring out right after the no contact period. I was wondering if you'd have a possible explanation, because I need to behave accordingly. It is not right for me to leave him stranded at this point, but if i probably know the possible motives, i can behave accordingly, where i provide support and maybe distance myself as much as possible, because i can't afford to be used.
Thank you ever so much! It was very insightful indeed. Love your website, it's one of those rare places where sense seems to ooze out of everywhere and nowhere. I have been reading others posts and feel like I am not alone. Keep it up guys! :-)
@Ash.....Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Our thought: Don't even try to change him. It's not worth it. It sounds like you've begun to move on. Your best bet is to break off contact with him and focus on yourself, and then when you feel healed, focus on putting yourself back out there with a new frame of mind and new understanding about relationships. (Learn from each relationship.) Why is he struggling with this? Who knows? Guilt? Fear of being alone. Some guys feel territorial even if they don't want the woman. He might not want you to move on even if he doesn't want you. You need to make your own decisions and not let him manipulate you. Good luck and take care.
@Giselle......This may seem too short and to the point but we think you need that. Sometimes relationships run their course. When a relationship becomes a grind, and all it consists of is second guessing, wondering and worrying it might be time to reassess. We know you want him back but we're not seeing it. Even if he comes back we're not seeing it. You may ask why. It's cumulative. We've seen this type of situation so many times. All that happens is the woman gets strung along until she hits rock bottom and realizes she's wasting her time. And then she's mad at herself for all that wasted energy and time. Time she could be moving forward instead of treading water. He might come back. But the same thing will happen over and over. Now it's up to you to decide what you need to do. There's not much more feedback we can give you. We know this isn't what you wanted to hear but we have to be honest. Good luck.
I thank you heartily, for being supportive and telling me what he is thinking. This is what has happened since I last wrote to you. I decided to let go. I decided to message him one last time and tell him this wasn't how it was supposed to happen and blabbered some more, I wasn't emotional but at the end of it I dint know what I wanted to write so ended it abruptly. He messaged back instantly saying he has missed me too and that I was looking gorgeous in my display picture. (just like him to say that) we spoke that night. and had a video chat even, was good, but something had changed in me. I no more wanted him the way I thought I would. I know this for a fact since, there were somethings I chose not to tell him, like stuff I did when we were not talking. I wrote letters and stuff when we weren't talking and I chose not to tell him and this was something new. (since I always told him stuff that I felt) I realised that the stuff on mind was my own, be it feelings thoughts etc and that he had done nothing to deserve to hear them. I think the 'getting over' process has begun. we talk, but I dont feel like messaging him all that often. When we spoke, I asked him 'would you have ever gotten in touch with me?" To which he said that "I would have after 2-3 months when the intensity of our feelings are a bit lesser". When I asked him "how s he doing?" he said" Just the same, just as bad, not better not worse". I am trying not to read too much into this, but I am forced to think, if he doesnt feel anything for me, what is he struggling about? what is the conflict in the head about? and then why say these things to me? why? we had this video chat when things got a bit steamy, and frankly I was a bit turned off. Wont do it again. wasnt comfortable. I am faced with many questions at this point, but the conclusion seems to be clear, this is not the guy for me, is what I think. There has to be a major personality make-over he has to undergo to become my guy. and I inherently dont believe in changing anybody. Just sharing some thoughts!
this is a bit of our previous conversation ( just incase) One of the Guys 2013-04-02 12:36:00 said: @Giselle....Feel free to ask as many questions as you'd like. And spread the word about us. Take care and be well. Giselle 2013-04-02 12:28:31 said: Thankyou so much, my brain feels much relieved. i think i will just let him be and let him handle things his way :) I shall come back from my vacation and spam you guys on how to approach him. i really can't afford to go wrong if there's any potential chance. One of the Guys 2013-04-02 09:28:55 said: @Giselle....There's no harm in reaching out to him. But he still needs time to figure this all out. Maybe your time away will give him some quiet time for reflection. And you. Giselle 2013-04-02 01:44:59 said: Also, in 2 weeks i will be leaving for a 2 month vacation. what he believes and knows is that i might not come back. but actually i will. so do i make a move and ask for him to meet up. Because i fear he will think that i am never going to return and will force himself to move on during those 2 months. Giselle 2013-04-01 11:57:55 said: I need help with how to approach him and getting back into his life. And when to terminate the no contact phase . One of the Guys 2013-04-01 10:52:10 said: @Giselle.....Both of you need time away to asses what it is you really want. And reflect on who you are in a relationship and if that "person" is in fact who you actually want to be. Mistakes were made by both of you, but that's very normal. We all make mistakes. The question is, how do you work through them. Some people don't want to expend the energy. And in some cases this is probably the correct assessment. Some relationships just don't work no matter how hard we try. He's got to figure out if he wants to try again with you. But in order to do that he needs to reflect, grow and mature himself. You might take this time to do the same. Take care and keep us posted. Giselle 2013-04-01 09:21:35 said: Hello there, I still love him . And Im being as optimistic as it gets about the situation. so im moving on so i can develop holistically, but i still expect him back which may hamper what im trying to do. Im a psychologist myself, and i thought what you thought, but you can imagine as a girl just how badly this is messing with my head i really needed a "guys perspective" We are both 22. Problem is, even with friends when he gets mad he cuts them off completely, and then much later when they make a move into his life he forgives them, i just dont know what i should be doing. i keep telling myself things will fall into place if they must. One of the Guys 2013-04-01 09:00:08 said: @Giselle....How old are the two of you? It will help us figure this out. So what exactly do you want? Do you really want him back or are you just annoyed that he moved on? Our gut tells us he's still in love with you and him meeting someone new is a reaction to your breakup and the fact that he feels hurt by you. We're not trying to place the blame on you, just letting you know what he's likely thinking and feeling. Dating someone else is his way of regaining some control in his life, since with you he felt out of control and that you were running the show. At least emotionally. In some ways, he didn't like himself with you, or rather didn't respect himself with you. Maybe this is too much psychology, but that's our first reaction. What do you think? Giselle 2013-04-01 05:09:07 said: Just making my first question really clear, 1)Is this is a rebound ? considering we brokeup 3 months back and he started liking this girl just 2 months after the breakup. And apologies for the lack of spacing and punctuation :P I suck with punctuating . Giselle 2013-04-01 04:59:50 said: Hi guys, I have a bit of a complicated situation here. Okay to begin with let me break my dating life into 4 phases. 1) i met a guy in 2010 december, we didnt talk much initially and got very friendly only. the following year we spent about 4 months chilling together and getting to know one another. I was stuck up, tomboyish and had never dated before. He asked me out and i said yes instantly. The 2011 was good, we spent some great times together, however he'd keep insisting that i must be more couple-like and that dating was a very emotional thing ( i was extremely staid and insensitive). Overtime that changed too. we went through this year without any arguments whatsoever. 2) 2012 arrived, and this was academically a very important year for me. i began getting anxious and gave him a hard time, he put up with my crap. and after much thought i asked for a break, took a week off and got back with him after the week passed by. the same year, after about 3 months i was facing a lot of familial pressure, so i proposed the idea of breaking up. after returning from the summer vacations i didnt get in touch with him for over 2 weeks. one day he came down with his friends and begged for me to come back and said that things would fall into place and actually cried in front of his friends. we got back. then things began changing we didnt talk much he became aloof and cold, i felt neglected but didnt say much. soon, i fell extremely ill followed by which i really yelled at him and i was right; but it was just that i could have been more sensitive. He got hurt, but stuck along anyway. much later, after about 2 weeks time, he proposed that we break up. so we brokeup against my will and i spent the entire day crying; the same night we got back. after another 2 months, he continued to be cold and aloof, i began getting a little clingy and demanded what went wrong; everything was fine, but he asked for a break again, we brokeup but for 3 days, during which he kept no contact whatsoever ( he is extremely stubborn). after i begged him we got back for 2 weeks before he called it off for good. 3) the breakup began in 2012 december. all the way until january end 2013, he continued treating me almost ( not exactly) like how he did when we were in the relationship. he wouldnt initiate contact, but when i did he wouldnt hesitate to reply. we had many days where we'd express our liking for each other, and other days when i'd beg and cry for him . 4) starting february onwards, we had multiple arguments about getting back. He didnt want to and i didnt see a reason behind why he called it off ( He said he was hurt, and couldnt do it anymore, and that he still liked me ). we kept arguing about the same , about 5-6 times till mid february. Around 20th of february he went out on a tour and got me a gift, which i asked for in good humour. And upon returning he said he wanted to give me the gift however he didnt want me to interpret the situation other and dig for hidden meanings.i said that if i took the gift i would overassume stuff and believe that he liked me. in the same conversation i teased him saying he often sat in his room and "thought of me" to which he laughed agreeingly. I stretched the joke a little , all in good humour but eventually it turned into an argument during which he said that " i dont like you,and i dont think about you. i dont want a realtionship i just want to end up living alone with 2 dogs in my own apartment ". one day i find out from his friend that he brokeup with e because i may have to move to a different university in due course and that he couldnt long distance. he had expressed his discomfort with long distancing many atimes before and i said we'd figure it out. way up until march, he never really made any conversation but if he saw me around he would go out of his way to walk all the way upto where i was to say hi and give me a hug . one day i confronted him saying that his behaviour confuses me and i asked him if he even liked me at all. we got into another argument during which he said i dont like you but i care for you and have a soft corner for you i want to meet other people and he said you're going to have to be okay with that eventually. I told him that i wont be moving cities and that if long distance was his problem he didnt have to worry, to which he said it wasnt long distancing ( though he told his best friend that it was that ) i stopped contacting him since. He would see me around and tell me how beautiful i am . and that i must be having a lot of people after me. i said no and he'd reply saying you're too naive to even know how many people like you. 2 weeks later, at a friends birthday he saw me and he started his usual flattery i paid zero heed. and then he tried starting a conversation, i gave one word , yet polite replies. He asked me to come sit next to him on the same couch, i politely replied "no". i continued with no contact. until last week when his bestfriend lied to him in a conversation saying i still obsesses about him and wish to speak to him. to which he replied " she can talk to me for as long as she doesnt ask me to get back with her. im really okay being friends with her' I called him up and clarified that i stopped tlaking because we needed space, and that it owuldnt be right for me to obsess about him to his friends and that i never actually did such a thing; then we continued talking of other stuff just as if nothing happened ( much like when we were together). after hanging up, he texted me after 2 hours saying " it was really fun talking to you btw" 2 weeks post the conversation i started another chat with him, asking him how he was and just generally he said he was really good, and after continual talking he told me that he wanted me to know from him and not someone else that he'd met someone and that its going good and they just know that they like each other but arent dating yet. he asked me if i was okay with it to which i replied " yeah :D, it's between you guys and i really hope it works out for you :) " I found out that he met her in february and began talking to her in march. so it hasnt been long. i also learnt that she is much much younger to him and has green eyes ( he has a weakness for pretty eyes) . I am trying to stay off contact, and am doing a good job, but i still like him and i still see him watching me and he very casually goes on and likes my facebook pictures. this was my first relationship, he dated a girl six months before me for a month. this is our longest and most realistic relationship (2 years) and we were both extremely happy and in love most of the time. throughout our relationship he was the more emotional one . also he is very stubborn so even if he felt anything for me he wouldnt show it or make a move. i want to know : 1) if this is a rebound ? considering we broke her only 2 months after our breakup ? 2) And whether he likes me or if the mixed responses are normal and im just looking too much into it ? 3) and what could possibly be going on in his mind?
Im not sure about his girl because last month he said they were unofficial, he never seems to be onine or on phone, however just 2 of his friends seemed to have acknowledged her presence 3 weeks back on his fb ( I went NC once i found out he was with some chic 2 months post our breakup, from the 2 year rel) And he is the kind of guy who likes to show off his girls and put it out there for people, but he isnt doing that ( im not sure if im trying to make myself feel good or if its actually how it is ) Either it isnt happening, or its unofficial and all under the covers as of now.
last time he said unofficial, but i guess its still that way. Also, i replied back to his "hi" and decided that i would be cold and aloof and reveal as little information about myself as possible, so after he asked me how i was and i replied i was doing the best i can. he said he wasnt doing too well, and that his dad was diagnosed with 3rd stage cancer. And then he suddenly says, "I'm not dealing with it really well, remember what I was always scared of becoming, well it's happening ( he was scared he'd become a womanizer like his dad and treat people like shit and just let himself out and have no self control). slowly. It's scary. I know this isn't any of your concern, but for some reason I thought that I should let you know, don't know why, but I did " I said I'd be there to help him through this and he goes"Not becoming like my dad, even worse! That person where I won't be able to hide my emotions and end up being a complete dick." and then he goes onto say "You know how I pretend like everything is okay so people don't know I'm sad I can no longer control what emotions are inside me and what are released by me." So i said he needs to let himself go for once, hes been repressing too much and he says to who and why ? i said he can count on me. Now, at this point is where i begin to wonder, what exactly happened to that chic of his that he said he liked and who liked him back; And if she's still there why is he not going to her and coming to me about this . I'm confused about my stand /role in his life. And how i should handle it if im still looking at getting him back . I thought initially ill be cold and aloof and reply just to the point since he broke the no contact. but, then considering his situation, i felt that maybe its best i reveal as little information about myself as possible and just talk about him and his situation until he gets out of it, but that'll mean he's going to be in my life forever as he dates other women ( if he still has some-thing going on with the "unsure rebound" while i get friend zoned. So, yes that's me, as of this minute:\
@Amani.....We understand you love this young man but if you think by having sex with him you'll win him back we think you might need to rethink this. Basically, he wants to be single and be open to whatever comes his way, but he wants to still have sex. This is a great arrangement for him. Not so much for you. You might need to reconsider this whole agreement.
@Dia.....We're so sorry. You're right. Difficult transitions make people react in different ways. It's possible he feels jealous of you. Your path is much clearer than his and this might bother him. Some guys need to be the providers, the dominant breadwinner in the relationship. It's possible this all worries him, and that he might be concerned that someday you'll look down on him because he's just a musician. We're not saying you do, but we're trying to imagine what he's going through right now. However, if this isn't some psychological response to the events in his life, it's possible, this crossroads has made him realize that he wants to journey on alone. Well, that's clear that he does, but whether or not it's permanent remains to be seen. Your best bet is to give him some space and see how this plays out. The problem is this is going to be a long journey. The two of you have much to work through. He doesn't realize that but it's true. Of course there's no guarantee that he'll want to do that, but it's likely. Our suggestion: Finish up your exams, school, and make plans for your own future. And let him initiate the next contact. Don't wait for him. He's got to want to come back on his own, otherwise the same thing will just happen again. Take care of yourself. Hope this helps a little.
@Giselle.....Is he dating someone else? Does he have a new girlfriend?
My boyfriend of and I dated for 4 months and I'm madly i love with him. Were each others first love. We really got to know each other 4 months prior. Everything was going great until I felt he was becoming more distant from me. I thought it was because maybe something I did. But then I asked him did he want to break up he said yes. I was heart broken. Because it came out of no where. I thought we had build a strong enough bond to where if there was ever an issue, we could talk to each other but obviously not. His resoning behind this break up he said " he doesnt want a relationship". Mind you I lost my virginity to him and were 17. And no I dont believe he used me for sex because I'm the only girl he's ever showed a type of affection and care for. However he's asked me to be friends with benefits with him while were not together. I agreed to do it because I want to continue having sex with him. I'm hoping maybe if we keep having sex maybe he'll want to get back together. Do you think that was a bad idea?
Also, before we parted he said, " I love you SO much..." and walked away.
Hello, So recently; like everyone here, my relationship went out of control out of nowhere. My boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me a week ago and I haven't been handling it well just yet. We never really fought, we looked at things like adults and squashed our disagreements immediately or coped with them in the best ways we could. I am the only girl he has EVER introduced to his ENTIRE family and upon getting into this relationship two summers ago, HE was immediately the one to tell me, his family and everyone else that I was "the one". He's perfectly perfect in his flaws for me and I have never loved anyone so much. We compliment each other very well and it has come off as a shock to everyone that it has ended. We are both graduating from college in a number of days. I understand how this is a scary transition, but for myself, getting into the medical field I am pretty much guaranteed a job. He however is a musician hoping for a teaching job; which is scarce where we are, but his talent will get him far. With recent events, the job opportunity he was counting on fell through. He was lost at that point and I could tell he was stressed... Three weeks ago we were happily dancing at his brother's wedding and loving every minute of it. His father even came up to me and mentioned how he "knew" I was his next daughter-in-law. We both looked at each other and nervously laughed and he said "so far so good dad!" with a huge smile on his face. The rest of the night was perfectly romantic. The next weekend some family members of his whom I have never met came into town. He asked me to accompany him to a family party to meet them. While there, we were sitting at a table with his aunts and cousins talking about plans after graduation. I mentioned how I am working on a preceptorship that will give me somewhat of a secure location at a hospital of my choice; at least for now. He ranted on and on about how between the two of us, we would be financially stable and ready to face the next two years before heading off to graduate school together. We have shared the same dreams, and having the same dedication to our work ethic has kept us together to understand that the foundation we are building is for our future. He also mentioned to them how he had taken me apartment hunting with him recently and turned to his aunt and cousin and said, "She's the one. I know it. This is it." I blushed and continued on with the conversation. After the party, he dropped me off at home because I had an exam the next morning. Shortly after saying goodbye he called me to tell me how much he loved me. This past weekend, we spent our time together. I was feeling the pressure of my exams coming up and he felt the need to help me destress, as he always did. Saturday night he had dinner with a professor of his and came over to my place following that and ranted on and on about how he realized he needed to be selfish with what he wants at this point in time. I agreed. If it is any critical time in our lives to be selfish with our career choices, it's now. He smiled and asked me to go to a movie with him. On our way, we was talking about an organization he had recently joined. I was genuinely interested and we laughed and enjoyed the night...After the film, he was quiet. Rather than spending the rest of the evening with me he claimed to be tired and wanted to go home... Sunday morning I called him and asked if he was feeling okay. He asked me if I was willing to make a move with him if he needed to leave the city for a job. I said yes. That is something we had also discussed about a year ago and we had come to the agreement that we would do whatever we needed to do to stay together. He replied, "...promise?". I did. Immediately after that, the words began to flow. He basically, in a nutshell, mentioned that he was needing some time alone to make the decisions he has ahead of him. He thanked me for never asking him for anything, expecting or demanding he make any decisions regarding myself that were entirely his to make. He said that this has been the most beautiful, intimate, caring and best relationship he has ever experienced and mentioned how I was absolutely amazing to him with all of my love and support- BUT he ended it. I met with him shortly after this to talk in person. I lost it. I have never been so low to beg for someone to stay in my entire life. He was my escape from my daily life of critically ill patients and crazy hectic schedules and exams. We talked for a good three hours after I sobbed like someone had died in his arms and he held me tight enough to comfort me. He said he had been feeling strange for the past month but thought it would blow over. He felt like I am currently 100% and he isn't... He said he wanted to be sure I was the one, because lately, with his brother's wedding, he felt that life was coming at him all too fast. I asked if there was anyone else. There isn't. He said that's the last thing on earth that he wants right now... He asked to be let go. I cried. I couldn't believe it... When I asked why he told his family about me being "the one" for the past two years he hesitated, turned away, covered his eyes, came back and got on his knees with watery eyes and then coldly responded with "I guess the more people I told, recently, the more I tried to convince myself of that." He even mentioned how he was even considering proposing to me recently to feel better about me being a permanent aspect of his life!! I don't understand. I asked him not to tell anyone about this just yet because I can't emotionally deal with the anxiety of other people asking me questions at such a critical time before my LAST set of final exams. I want him to come back. He keeps telling me he wrote something for me, but he hasn't sent it. Recently a mutual friend of ours called me to see what was going on. I cried to him, he had spoken to him and mentioned how his stubbornness was going to make him stick with his decision, but his demeanor was calm, sad and he kept mentioning how "perfect" I was. Is he scared? Life is unpredictable right now...but I feel like this is the worst time to let go of people who support you. I'm heartbroken; something that I don't think he'll understand currently because he has NEVER been the one to be broken up with... EVER. I've given him all of me and my heart; and while I understand knowing myself at this point is important, and I do... I feel like I need him to come back...at least to figure things out. Emotions and confusion can lead people to make some very irrational decisions; and I cant help but feel that this is one of them. I'd appreciate your feedback. Thanks
okay so I'm back with a doubt half way through my vacations. the last time i started a conversation with my ex he told me he was unofficial with a girl he is most likely to have barely known. Rebound or not, i decided to leave him alone, because if he's happy he deserves the best of it. I have maintained no contact for about a month and a half, have not stalked him anywhere ( facebook whatsapp twitter, absolutely no where) and maintained a low profile on facebook . However everytime i updated statuses or photos he'd always come around and like it. I paid no heed. last night however i put up a new picture and i wake up this morning to see a "hi:)" message in my inbox. This is the first time he has started a conversation with me in 6-7 Months ( since its been almost 4-5 months since the break where 2 months we were pretty much in a rel) Over these holidays i've tried to weigh his pros and cons and despite knowing he has heavy flaws i still felt like i really love him, so its definitely not an obsession caused due t loneliness. Now getting to the point, I'm not sure how i must reply to the message and how i must talk to him if the conversation proceeds. I most definitely want him back and have no idea why he has started this conversation. All i know is that his unofficial girl is less unofficial now a couple of friends know about them, but thats it and it's very surprising since he's the kind that likes to show off and put it all out for the people to know, also this girl of his is quite beautiful, however much younger to him. So, i was wondering if you could probably help me with the intention behind this extremely brief message, because i don't want to be wishful and assume anything on my own; and help me with how i should go about responding and going about this conversation (without killing myself, because the last conversation i had with him he told me he was into someone right after i had stopped talking to him as much and barely one month after our PROPER breakup. So should i be prepared for any surprises this time ? ) thankyou :D
@Ash....First of all, we're sorry. Second of all, don't feel desperate. Relationships are very hard, and love can do crazy things to anyone. Third, you can see how many other people have questions about all sorts of things. That said, you might not like what we're going to say, but understand that we're just trying to be honest, and we think you need that. We don't see him coming back, at least not for good. He might come back for a brief time, but he'll leave again when something else comes up. You might be attracted to his free-spirit, but to us, that's another way of saying he's selfish, likely narcissistic, and immature. And not all guys are like that. We don't doubt you have strong feelings for this guy, but honestly, you don't really know him to the core. You only know what he's chosen to share with you. Because if you did, he wouldn't be acting like he's acting. And he wouldn't be saying that he's not crazily in love with you. Basically, this guy wants to live the life of an actor, and bed women when he pleases, and focus on himself. There's nothing wrong with that as long as he doesn't drag other people through the mud to pleasure himself. And that's how we see this. If he's going to be that cool, artistic guy, he shouldn't string people along. We're sorry Ash. We think when you find a truly good guy—and by the way there are plenty who are good and intelligent and cool and fun and sexy—you'll look back on this and think: "What was I thinking." We know that's not what you want to hear now, but trust us, that's what's going to happen. Take care of yourself and we're sorry we couldn't be more positive about this guy and relationship. Hang in there. Ask as many follow up questions as you'd like.
Okay, this is the first time I am actually seeking support of this kind and it makes me feel a bit desperate frankly. There is an 'incident' that happened with me a couple of weeks ago and it is so pertinent to what all these guys are writing in this particular section of 'will he come back'. I cannot tell what state of mind I am in right now, but i can say that I am hoping, hoping desperately that something happens, something miraculous, something crazy. Anything. That he comes back. This is my story: I met this guy through whatsapp a couple of months ago, he works in a theater as an actor and is also a software engineer. I am a writer and I approached him to ask him if his company required writers. We started talking. Not only was he charming he was intelligent even. It was great the conversations especially coz they went on all day and towards the night I would feel like there is still so much to say at the close of it all. He asked me out. we met. it was magical. I have this date--rule that I dont like to indulge in anything physical on the first date and the second either. so no kissing touching etc. but we talked. and like I said it was really magical. I was really attracted to him and I knew he was attracted to me too. Things progressed in the form of talking and we decided to take things further and we met at his place and had this cute make-out session. I was determined not to sleep with him coz I felt I didnt want it to boil down to just THAT. if you know what I mean. through his talks I realised that this guy is all for freedom, space and all that guys come with. loves spending time with himself loves to read (just like me) he is a very ME person. I loved that about him. I began to like him and it was evident he did too. one day he comes and tells me he may have to shift because of his Job to another city. eh doesnt know the when and where of it. I must tell you that at this point he is also aware that i have plans to do my doctoral program abroad. something I shared with him when we talked initially. he has been through a couple of long distance relationships and he thinks its a bad idea as all that remains is hatred, jelousy, irritation and love is outta the window. I still told him I would like to give it a chance. just hypothetically. it was better for me to that than just let go. for me, not him I guess. well, because he didint sound very convinced that time, I found it very difficult to let go of this thing. I began to have outbursts with him. I am very ashamed of them now. but he was very understanding during this time. one night I decided to ask him what he really thought of us. mind you, all this within 15 days of the relationship. he was confused, told me his family conditions and told me he wanted to quit his job and pursue acting for 4 years at least. until he is 30, I am 24 right now btw. the point being no it was not possible. I was deluded to believe that somethings off with him, how could he SAY NO to me, or rather TO US. we are awesome together like hand in glove, this cannot be happenning. my outburst continued for another day when I said somehting to piss him off and he stoped responding to my messages. I am a very egoistic person, ad I decided to give it up. I wrote a mail to him , it wasnt a hate mail, it was just a mail which said, how we had given up and how we shouldnt have. he pinged me back after a week. things went back to being great, he told me he missed me and that he would spend his time staring at my pics and thats how he managed not to message me. I told him stuff similar to that especially coz I missed him like crazy. I was careful this time, I apologized to him for pushing him in the corner within 15 days of our relationship and askign for a commitment, like who does that. I realise how stupid I was being. but within a period of 10 days, we were back to where we started, we tlaked great, but I was stuck with this question abt the future and that if this guy is moving away what am I oding with him. my insecurities quadrupled when once he said something about me giving this other guy a chance just coz he was stalking me, I got pissed but he profusely apologized saying it was a joke and he thought I woudl take it the same way. in the meawhile we met again at a coffee place, and had a good time talking and stuff, was awesome. I must mention at this time that he woudl refuse to meet me often as he felt he didint want to complicate thigns for us in my head and his, he felt that the more we meet, the more thigns will be difficult for both of us. after that meeting, a couple of things happened with me coz of which i was emotionally vulnerable and would often tlak to him for solace, but this thing of him slipping away especially coz now I was convinced I was in love with him killed me. I confronted my fears and told him how I was feeling. told him how it killed me to think he ll be gone and that I was living these fears every second of my life. after I told him we had this emotional tlak for almost 9 hrs that day, we decided not to tlak again, as it was going to cause pain to both of us. and thats what we did., we told each other everything we had to and stopped tlaking. yes, there are a few points I must tell you. during these outbursts of mine, I would begin our conversations trying to push him away by saying 'lets not tlak ever' just go away I dont wana tlak to you. he gathered this and told me the last time we spoke that, I had more doubts about us'. I told him, 'I dont knwo if you rememebr but wheN I had asked for a commitment you gave me 20 reasons why we wouldnt work out and thats a blow im still to recovr from, how did u expect me to come running to you asking you to accept me AGAIN?' he said to that that it was too early for us and it still is. I didint know what to say frankly. secondly, he tells me that he likes me, find me attractive, and respects me as a person, he thinks I am awesome. but he's isn't crazily in love with me. he tells me that at thins stage of our relationship I expect more from him than he can give. especially coz he doesnt feel the same way about me. the point is I feel he didint allow himself to feel the same way as i did coz he would nt meet me. and he had it in the back of his mind somewheere that he is gonna go. and thats not fair. especialy if you are going to judge me on that. the situation is that we dont talk. it's been 2 weeks. I sent him 2 messages asking him to talk, and that we can screw the future lets not tlka abt it. but at least lets make the most out of the present, btu he has taken it onto him not to tlak to me. (in our last conversation I had mentioned not to reply if I happen to send messages) i am distraught. I dont know what to do. I just want him to come back. I know he will coz what we had wa special and THIS doesnt happen always. I just dont know sometimes, I feel it's all in my mind, but I am a believer. I just want to know what you think, and secondly will he ever come back.
@Broken Hearted.....Good luck and keep us posted.
@guys thanks you so much. The letter idea sounds really good. He has not told our friends about the break up yet (except for one of them) and also he did not tell (the same) friend that he will not return my call, just said that he could not attend my call the other day. does it mean anything. as for time and space I think its getting easier to control myself from trying to call him or text him... I really really hope it works out
sorry guys forgot to mention he also told a mutual friend of mine that he is trying to suppress a lot of his feelings about me, because he feels strongly about going through with his decision. I feel like if he feels this way why is he basically trying to force himself to not face the facts?!
Hi Guys, I am a 23 year old female who met this 20 year old guy sometime last year in November AT A CLUB! I never thought I would embark on having a relationship with someone I met at a club. Anyways he got my number and we started talking, soon after we started dating, but never made it official till the end of January the next year. While we were dating we took weekend trips, and went out A LOT and i felt this ultimate connection with him. I feel like I am one to know when to see through lies and I felt I was on alert, but when I did look at him whenever he complimented me, I felt he was being honest and really genuine, i felt he was staring into my soul. First of I am in university studying for my masters degree and he always felt so amazed by that, and how well i carried myself. I was sometimes a bit hesitant because he had never been in an actual relationship, unless you want to count some middle school fling he had when he was 12 or something. I on the other hand I have been in long term relationships, and I pretty much know what i want, but know i have to compromise in order for the relationship, so I felt okay maybe you can be his first love, you can make him want to settle down and show him the "other side" of life. Just the way he looked at me, I felt he put me on this platter of gold, he told me always how amazing i was, how beautiful i was, how lucky he was to have a girl like me. I obviously believed that, every word of it and felt it was not a lie. We had a few issues along the way because he never went to college and didn't want too, and i tried to make him explore that option, but eventually backed off and accepted him for who he was, he did have a good job at a major newspaper company, and also had a part time job, so he was put together and responsible. So eventually at the end of January after we had made it official, we had sex and we both said we felt extremely connected. it was not just sex to him, he loved to make me comfortable, he always wanted to please me, always. Soon after i told him i loved him and he replied "thank you", and i was taken aback because i felt he was showing signs of some who was in love, but he said he could not say it, and he did not know why, he even went as far as googling how long it takes for someone to say i love you. He did however tell me he cared deeply for me, he loved being around me always and i was such a special and amazing person to him. I finally let go that someday he would say I love you, I did not want to ruin it or force him to say to me. However i did get frustrated over the fact he could not open up about his emotions and tell me how he felt and what he wanted out of the relationship. He told me he found it hard expressing himself and it had to do with his pride, like a defense mechanism, I tried everything to make him open up to me, and he felt bad because he knew he was hurting me by not opening up his true emotions to me. I did however have some comfort maybe he just did not know how because one time we had a little too much to drink and he went of the tangent telling me to please give him time and have patience with the school issue, and that he will take care of me, and he really does care for me he just does not know how to say it and express it because that's how he has been all his life, and i felt it was not his fault and i was willing to have patience. Another issue was i mentioned to him i had a plan to get married and by 24-25 and have kids by 25-26 and he said he was nowhere close for that, that he saw himself ready for that by 27 and i would joke around oh you need to put a ring on it sooner than that, but in the end i did tell him i was joking and it was a plan, so things change and it was not a do or die affair, it just was not a deal breaker. Unfortunately i got pregnant and he wanted an abortion, and i was on the fence about it but ended up going through with it, it was such a difficult moment for me and him, i believe i was so spiteful and annoyed with his behaviour, he offered to take time off work to come with me for the procedure but i declined, and he sounded upset but i really was not thinking about how he felt, nothing he did could be right to me at that moment, I guess i wanted him to be more in tune and more emotional but he was not as emotional as i wanted him to be, and i could not understand why especially with what i was going through. he did try his best and try to be there, but i was just not trying to have it at all. we had arguments, and by we i mean me, i usually told him some pretty hurtful things, and he would just take it and apologize and just keep doing that and he would get upset with himself that he was doing this to me, and eventually after i calmed down i would apologize to him and he would say he gets it and i should not even because it was all his fault i felt that way. I recently found out that he spoke to a friend of mine, trying to get help on how to open up to me and ideas of how he could ask me to be his girlfriend again, but in a more romantic way because the first time was just when we were lying down on my bed and he felt i deserved better. He even went as far as thinking of getting me a promise ring with an inscription on it and a poem to follow, but this would not happen because we had a candid conversation and i told him we probably should not be in a relationship, because i felt he just was not pulling his weight and i was doing all these other things to show him i cared soooo much, he agreed that we probably should not be together, like i felt like breaking down especially because i could not sense any emotion in his voice, maybe i expected him to cry or something, i just dont know but it hurt me. My friend who had been chatting with him about getting me a promise ring and stuff tried to get us back together and suggested that this should have been an in person conversation, which he agreed and he came down and thats when i feel like he honestly opened up to me. He said he 50% wanted to be with me, and 50% wanted to be single. because we were both each others firsts and he always fantasized about having a sexual relationship with other girls before he met me and he felt that he should not be having these thoughts still while he was with me and he felt really guilty since i was such an amazing person and he never thought he would be with a girl like me. He felt maybe the fact that his friends were single and did all these things single people do played some part in it but not majority. He also said he truly wants to be in a relationship with me but he needs to figure these things out and get it out of his system, and i was so confused because i asked him if he wanted to be with other girls why did it not matter to him at the beginning and he said he never thought it will get so serious and he was sooo infatuated with me and did not care of those things, then i asked so you are not as much anymore, and he was he still cares deeply for me, but like the honeymoon period passed and how reality set in on him and he does not know how to handle it, and he does not want to cheat on me or not treating me the way i deserve. He told me honestly that maybe it is because summer is almost here and all the things he planned with his friends and stuff is about to come by and he just wants to do all these things. He was like being selfish and honest at the same time he would want to be in a relationship with me and sleep with other girls , and he was being honest with me because he did not want to loose me and he also did not want me to date other guys. Like i am so confused this is a guy who was trying to do all these things to please me, told everyone about me even his family and always wanted to do his best to please me despite his shortcomings and then this happens. He also mentioned how fast everything went and i felt maybe he was overwhelmed especially since this was his first real relationship. I eventually asked so what if you go and do what you need to do to get everything out of your system and figure out what you want, he said he knows the right thing to do will be not to call me to start of the relationship since it will be unfair to me, because he may realize he should have never left, and it was not worth it, but the selfish side of him will still call me up. I still have very strong feelings for him, and i still love him so much, and i just realized i probably love him more than i thought since it hurts sooo much, and he said while he was coming down here to talk to me in person he was going to apologize and say he does not want to be away from me, but he said he said once he saw me looking the way i did, beautiful and all he felt guilty because of the thoughts he had and he hated himself. He also did tell me that other thoughts he had was maybe he would see something nice and think hey i would love this if he bought it for me, but then he would switch up and not want to spend that money and he said he felt he was being selfish about that, or maybe when it was time for him to commute to come see me which is about 2hours he hated it, especially since he hated travelling on the bus for so long, and he felt not being happy about making the journey was not right, he felt he should not be having thoughts like that, because eventually when he was with me, he was super happy and he loved being there, I am just sooo confused about what is going on there, i told him i felt he just used me for sex and he said that was never the case, that he just does not want to hurt me and he wants to figure out what he wants so he can be a better person to me if we eventually got back together. I feel so stupid saying this because in a way i feel he does want to be with me, but he wants to just test the waters so that he can be like yeah i did that and get it over with, but then i feel so bad because he always put it to me that i was enough for him. In the end he was still asking me to please let him know how my exams went, and if i ever needed to talk to him that i should please call him, my friend mentioned how he was still interested in knowing how i was doing and how he wanted my friend to let him know from time to time. PLEASE help me i am lost and confused and i dont know how to move on because i developed such a strong bond with this guy, but what bugs me was when he mentioned the saying " you dont know what you have till you loose it" and he said maybe he will understand more what he had with me if he left, PLEASE help me understand all this, thanks guys!! P.S Sorry guys i also forgot to mention, when we did meet up, his body language was not of someone who was not in tune. He was so interested in hearing everything i said, leaning in and trying to listening attentively and agreeing with me, and he always touched me in some way and in the end we ended up having sex, and I feel horrible for not feeling horrible about that. Do you thin he will come back eventually after he has gotten everything out of his system? He still tells mutual friends he is still in doubt of his decision, and how much he realized i cared in our last conversation which was in person, and he cant stop thinking about it, and can never imagine being in any other relationship other than with me, but he just needs to get it out and figure himself out. I am going crazy over this everyday, Please help! :(:(:(
@Broken Hearted.....Thanks for filling us in. The best thing to do is give him space, work on yourself, and see what happens. One suggestion that's worked for some people. If he won't call you back or respond to your texts why not send him an old-fashioned letter. Yes, that's right. A handwritten letter you send through the mail. That way you can gather your thoughts and write down what you really want to say to him. (He'll read it.) He'll also see the effort it took for you to write it. Just a suggestion. Other than that the ball is in his court. You can't make him come back. He has to realize on his own what he's missing. Good luck and take care.
I know its a bit vague but right now i cannot remember the reasons for getting so angry, just that I got angry for issues we could probably have sorted out when it cooled down... instead i would just ponder over it and talk about it again and again until it got out of control In December me, him and a couple of friends went for a vacation. It did not go so well cuz i had a huge fight with my friend, i got so irritated that when my boyfriend tried to console me I pushed him away and said i did not need him (i was too angry to realise what i was saying). After this incident every time we would fight he would remind me about it (though the people invited in the fight had gotten over it) this would start a chain reaction cuz he wanted me to forget the past and move on, but he refused to do so himself, he would say that my anger was so out of control that it hurt both of us.
well actually sometimes its very dumb, he wouldn't have time to meet me but he would be on FB or tweeting.. at other times I got mad that he was not ready for me to meet his friends though in the beginning I met his best friend (his reason was that he wanted me to manage my anger before we could tell anyone, he wanted that confidence in me) also m very jealous and get extremely emotional, he has told me many time that he cannot handle tears (i do start crying at the drop of a hat) ... On a separate note I had not talked or contacted him for a week, but yesterday I lost control and called him. I did not cry or scream but before i could say anything he said he was with his parents and that he would call me later (he did not neither did I expect him to). But a friend of ours said that my Ex called him up and told him I had called him, but he could not talk cuz he was not feeling good. Does this mean anything??
@Broken Heated....Sorry. We get more questions than we can handle. We missed this one. Anyway, question for you: So why are you getting so angry? Is there something your boyfriend is doing that's causing you to get so upset? Usually in these types of cases it's a two-way street. Let us know and then we'll respond to your basic question.
you guys haven't replied :(
@Samantha.......It's possible, but it's hard for us to say. The more important question is: Do you really want him back if he does come back? Keep in mind that he had every opportunity to date you and be in a relationship with you and instead he chose this other girl. We wonder if he's getting sex from her and that's why he chose her, and then when you turn 18 he'll be back because he wants sex from you. That would be our guess. And even if we're wrong about the sex, actions speak louder than words.
Dear Guys, I met a guy from my church. He's a few years older than me and I'm in my senior year of high school. We became friends first and then after a while we started flirting. One day, I stayed after school and we kissed. We did this a couple of times for almost half a year. Only a few people knew about us. But we weren't official. He wanted to wait for me to be 18 to be official. But one day, after hanging out with me, he went to a wedding with another girl from our church. I didn't know about this at all. But I found out that Sunday, when he came to church with her, that she had become his official girlfriend. He had strong feelings for me. He told me he loved me, wanted to marry me, and acted like he really cared. The people that knew he and I were kind of together keep telling me he might come back. But I'm not so sure. Will he come back? Thank you for your help and have a great day.
@Jennifer.....It could mean a lot. For example: 1. He loves you forever. 2. He loves you forever, but still doesn't want to be with you. 3. Something people say when they're feeling emotional like during a break up. 4. A way to string you a long so he knows you'll still be open to him when he wants something from you. Sex, usually. .......We could go on. You see, it could be many things. You're just going to have to see how this plays out. And no more fighting with his family. That's not helping your cause even if it's justified. Hang in there.
@overthinker.....Good luck. Keep us posted.
Hi, I ve been in a relationship with this amazing guy for a year, but he broke up with me few days back. The reason: anger issues (mine). I'm really really short tempered and he's the most patient guy i have ever met (all our friends think so too) but lately he kept saying that he was reaching his limits and yesterday he informed me that he wanted out cuz he couldn't handle it anymore.. while speaking he also said that it was the last time and he never wants to talk to ever again. he has blocked my calls, texts and all possible communications. This is happening for the 3rd time and everytime he would listen to me tell him that i would change and he would accept me back, but this time he hasn't even talked to me... just kept cutting me off everytime i tried to talk. I'm really scared this guy means a lot to me (this is my 3rd relationship) and i would do anything if he comes back or if he will be willing to just sort it out and see that i do wanna work things out I dont know how to approach him, i cannot call him or text him. and even if i do he's just gonna say that he does not trust me anymore. I love him and he loves me too (or he wouldn't have given me all those chances) I'm willing to give him time and space and work on my issue too at same time. How do I let him know that I'm being genuine this time.. that i will not get angry unnecessarily or fight or be sarcastic with him. Please Help
We was together for a year. I dont really know why i got into a fight with his siters it just happened. The question i want to know is why did he tell me The last thing he said to me and i didnt respond back is he said "my love never dies!" What does that mean from a man's perspective?
wow, guys are just as confusing as girls can be. That explanation makes sense, yet there is really no explanation for his actions. Thanks for your advice guys. I'll continue to just feel blessed that we are as good of friends as we are. He makes an effort to call me at least once a week, where all his other good friends that left from college he lost touch with. He said I am his best friend and really only keeps in touch with me. I guess I take things for what they are at the moment, and what is meant to be will figure itself out."those meant to be together sometimes take detours, but are never lost. They will always find their way back to each other"
@jennifer....Sorry. Sometimes it takes us a long time to get to questions. So how long did the two of you go out? And how in the world did you get into a physical fight with his sisters? We know you didn't mean to, but that makes it harder for your boyfriend because he now has to choose between you or his family. And maybe that should give you an idea of where he's at. It seems to us like he's always chosen his family over you. Ask yourself: Is this the kind of person you want to have a relationship with? Someone who really doesn't have your back? You may love him but he's not fully in your corner. You need to think long and hard before you try to get back together with him. Will he come back? Hard to say. But the real question is: Should you take him back if/when he does come back?
I wrote a message to you all and you never responded. HELP PLEASE
@Angie....We hate to see you in so much pain even though we don't know you. Breakups are so hard. Hang in there. And you're doing all the right things. Surrounding yourself with people who care about you and talking about your feelings with friends and a professional. That said, we're going to give you our honest opinion. He's using his grief as an excuse. He doesn't feel how you feel and that was an easy way of breaking up with you. He might of thought he felt strongly about you at first, but at some point he realized he didn't. Maybe he rushed it. Who knows. But we don't think his decision is going to change unfortunately. However, we can assure you that over time you'll heal and move on. We know that's now what you want to hear, but it's true. And he's right when he says one day you'll realize he didn't deserve you. What he's really saying is, one day you'll realize that you were settling to be with him. Because you deserve a guy who loves and respects you the way you love and respect them. This is not the guy. Hang in there and take care.
My boyfriend just broke up with me and I've been taking it kinda badly since it was such a surprise. He is honestly, the ideal person for me. Our relationship was perfect, (we had so many things in common, we made each other laugh, we never fought) and although we have only been together for a month and a half he told me he saw himself falling in love with me, and I said the same thing back. I was and still am absolutely crazy about him. But he was a little distance the last week and a half and I did not understand it. Maybe he is the kind of person that doesn't want to talk to his gf everyday? He told me that he lost his best friend from high school last week, and it really affected him. I said I can give him space if he wants it. Then he told me that he wanted to talk and he broke up with me in person. He said that he needs time to be completely by himself and independent; which I understand but I said that I'm here for you and that I can wait for you. He told me not to. I asked if we could be together again one day and he said I dont know. Not being with him literally breaks my heart because he is every thing I would want in a person and more. I felt like the past weeks were the best of my life and I dont want to lose him. I know everyone deals with grief in different ways I just wish he could come to me. I asked if we could still talk and he said no, he wants to be completely isolated. And he told me that one day I will realize that he didn't deserve me. We have known each other for a short period of time (we kind of jumped on the relationship boat quickly), so I don't know everything about him. But I think he is being hard on himself about what happened. I just don't know what to do now. I have been crying for the past 48 hours and talked to friends and a psychologist about this and I just don't know what to do next. Am I supposed to get over him? Am I just supposed to lose what we had? We had the best thing on the planet and I want to wait for him. I don't know how he is dealing with his grief. I haven't texted him but I really want to. I want to be there for him.
The last thing he told me was his love never dies" What does that mean?
My boyfriend and i had a very bad break-up. We split up 2 weeks ago because he didnt like what i said. We broke up cause he never sticks up for me when it comes to his family. His sisters and i got into a physical fight. (didnt mean for it to lead to that) We havent talked since then. I love him. Its just really hard for me to get over him. I dont know if i want to be with him or not. I just want to know do you think he will come back to me? How long?
@Lost.....We responded. You left it on so many posts you probably don't remember. It's on: "What can I do now? How can I leave my relationship?"
Hi guys, I am really helpless so I decided to post up a question hoping to get a reply asap. I broke up with my boyfriend 2 days ago, we have many issues especially his insecurity, is definitely a major one. He controls me but I really love him. All the time he say he is afraid of losing me which is why he is behaving this way. He doesn't allow me to be on social networking for instant even if he allows, I only can add female users. He don't allow me to talk to guys and so on. I can understand why is he this way because he is someone who only hangs out with his group of guy buddies and hardly mix with girls but I think he should learn to relax and have faith in me. I have issues too I must say, I have bad temper but only during arguments like I tend to reject his calls, refused to reply his messages, walking him out etc. I am that sort who doesn't like to talk and want some peace when I am angry. Yes, I feel bad having him to chase me and look for me and so on but sometime he argue with me over things that is not within my control for instant, having male classmates. But I can't choose my classmates isn't it. My boyfriend told me he has insecurity issues because of my past, I hang out with bikers 3-4years ago, I had quite a few guy friends, but I swear they are just merely friends most of them are my close buddies. My boyfriend just does not have faith in me. So I mentioned break up, because such situation has been going on for nearly 7months. I told him we can't do this anymore, too much tears and pain, his insecurity is not within control. At first he refused to and we didn't break up but the next day he agree to what I say and ya.. But he seriously needs to change, at the same time he claims that I need to change too. I don't know what is wrong, I have been stop contacting with any male species other than my dad. But one thing is, my boyfriend and I truly love each other. We teared when we broke up. He agree with me that we need to move on from this. Everything is so heart-wrenching. He claims that he want to be good friends with me, he wants me to be in his life he still love me a lot. Does it mean he is uncertain about his decision of breaking up? He even asked can he still hug me whenever he sees me. Also, actually this isn't the first time we broke up, the previous time we had a similar situation (This time round is slightly worst) but we got back together after a nearly 3 weeks of seperation yet we didn't manage to talk our problems out and just have the 'forget it' mindset. Problems are not being solved. I am his first love by the way. I am so lost and confused. How to salvage everything? I want us back, at the same time I want to help him to improve. Relationship is about helping one another to grow isn't it? Thank you!
@Ana....You're welcome. Take care of yourself.
@overthinker.....We think you're trying to inject logic into matters of the heart. There's no logical reason why he'd try to be friends with a person that treats him that way. So we must assume that logic has nothing to do with it. Distance always plays a factor. Long distance relationships can put a lot of strain on a relationship. Most often issues of jealousy or communication come up. Although, from our experience they only amplify issues that are present. Understand that he's ALLOWING her to insert herself in his life. This is not about her; it's about him. He's making a statement by not taking a stand with her. Basically, that he wants her in his life for some reason. It's not logical.
Thank you so much for your advice. Your kind words really touched me and thoughtful response helped me to see things more clearly... Thank you for providing this forum...
hey guy,s just a few more questions... 1. Do you think distance is playing a factor in getting back together? We are 3.5 hours apart, and I am currently looking for my first career job out of college;which could take me anywhere. 2. Does the drama he experienced with her put a roadblock on our possible relationship? She was NEVER ok with me at all. she goes crazy and starts drama when they are not together about me. So if he were to get back together with me I can only imagine his friendship with her would be completely lost, and she would make his life a nightmare for a while. 3. Finally, why would he even continue to try and foster a friendship with her? Most people do not deal with friends that speak the way she does to him when she gets upset. Constantly swearing and putting him down is not what a friend should do, even when upset. thanks again, your advice is appreciated.
@Anna.....We're sorry this is hard and sad for you. We see two issues going on. 1. Your relationship with this man. 2. Your relationship with men in general. One seems to be influencing the other. We'll start with the first one. We don't see this relationship going anywhere. But we don't think you did anything wrong. The two of you are in different places in your lives. He wants to be free to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He wants to date, hang out with his kids, and be unencumbered by a relationship. You on the other hand want a committed relationship. Yes, there may be other things going on, but we see this as a timing issue. But, we also think that your worries about being attractive to men are impacting how you see this man and the relationship, almost as if, if this relationship doesn't work out, no relationship will ever work out. First of all, that's a lot of pressure to put on someone. And he likely feels it. But also, it's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. You just turned 40 which may feel like the beginning of your downward journey. But it's only a number. We think you need to really work on yourself, and how you perceive yourself, in terms of attractiveness. We don't doubt you have many great qualities, one clearly is self-reflection and intelligence. But you're also an over thinker which can lead you to some unfortunate dead ends. Have you considered speaking to a professional about all your thoughts and feelings? It might be a good place to start. As far as we're concerned, the world of men is vast, which means tastes vary greatly. We have no doubt there will be many men that will find you intriguing and attractive. Try to be open and positive. Take care.
Hi, you guys give the best advice and I really enjoy reading the posts. I am hoping for some advice, too... I met this amazing guy in 2011 and after an event that I sponsored, I asked him out to touch base about how the event went and we started dating after that. We were both really excited to be seeing each other but he told me he wanted to move slow, and was very upset from an ex who had left him for someone else. I found out that he was still living there (had to deal with moving out after decades, selling house, etc.), and in the year that we dated since then, he moved out of the house. We also lost people very close to each of us and had a series of stressful work situations that were all-consuming. We really loved spending time together and he was so amazingly supportive and went out of his way on every front to take care of me. He is 20 years older than me and has a lot of kids....long story...but we connected on a lot of levels and were really well matched. We enjoyed each other immensely. I started to feel frustrated with the slowness of our relationship, he didn't want to spend the night, just so much going on and I would get upset and fight because I was so afraid that I was just a rebound or that he was going to leave me for another woman, that he didn't really want to be in a relationship, or just because I was under such stress at work. He was devoted to me and the ultimate gentleman, just really private with personal details relating to his family. I didn't appreciate enough the little things.....So I feel responsible now that we are broken up even though he told me that he didn't see a future, and that he wanted to be free to be alone since we were fighting so much. I felt it was just a rough patch of a few months of heavy transition....But he wants to stay in touch, sends me pictures of his grandkids (whom I've never met) and said that he is delighted to see me, that the only reason he doesn't call is because he's afraid to hurt me, asks me why can't we be in each other's lives and find a new way to be in each other's lives that is not defined by "boyfriend-girlfriend"....I don't want a romantic friendship. i want a boyfriend. I feel sick that my fear may have caused this relationship to derail. I don't want to be with someone who is dating other people. I am in love with him. I am afraid I destroyed my chance at happiness. I know it may be stupid if he is saying he wants to see other people and yet when we saw each other last week (after two months apart), he wanted to hold my hand, telling me how he missed me.....I feel so confused and exhausted from the pain of missing him and what we had and wondering if there is any chance that maybe he just needed time away and he will come back to me. Each time we email, I try to end it or at least not to leave loose ends...but then somehow we end up communicating again. I turned 40 this year and feel so sad wondering how much time I have left to be attractive to a man. I get angry thinking about how even though he is much older, he is still attractive to women...and feel silly for still hoping that maybe it could still work out with us. I am so sad and would like to know if you think there is any hope, how I should approach this, if at all.... Thank you in advance for your thoughts.....
Thanks guys! Helped a lot!
@Miss V.....It's hard to say what's gong on. But consider this. He's choosing to move away. Yes, sometimes there is no choice, but if he was serious about you it just seems that he would be making more of an effort to be together, even if it was long distance. If he was so into you he'd probably try to get you to come with him. Yes, we understand the circumstances, but to us, the fact that he didn't even broach the topic of the future tells us he's not as serious as you. Of course this is just our opinion. It's up to you to decide what you think.
Hi guys! Was reading this and it got me thinking of my thoughts! Please give some insight if you can? Around the end of last year I started seeing this guy, and we immediately connected. There was no drama, and we had such a great bond, I trusted him instantly, and he was the first of us to even mention having falling in love with me. Even our friends around us commented on the bond we had before we told them we were dating. Unfortunately he had to move away due to work, and has since moved half way across the country. I am still studying at the same town so we decided it was best not to put anyone through heart break or drama (although him leaving and knowing I may never see him again felt worse than any heart break I had ever experienced). While I was on the vacation I stayed in town to graduate with my first degree. My parents and I went out to dinner that evening and he saw me as i was walking-although I had not seen him as I was talking to my dad. Yet he followed me out to the door just to talk to me, and even said he was only down because the restaurant had a crisis and called him down to help out with the graduation rush. He left the next morning, and I did not get to see him again but he did send me a message saying when he came back to town and wasn't working he'd let me know (As I had no idea that he had come back). know I am so confused! I don't know what he feels, but I know I felt that same connection as last year. I've tried to ignore it, but what can I do? I am so confused! How does he feel? If he feels nothing why follow me out to talk to me? any advice?
hey guys just a few more questions... 1. Do you think distance is playing a factor in getting back together? We are 3.5 hours apart, and I am currently looking for my first career job out of college;which could take me anywhere. 2. Does the drama he experienced with her put a roadblock on our possible relationship? She was NEVER ok with me at all. she goes crazy and starts drama when they are not together about me. So if he were to get back together with me I can only imagine his friendship with her would be completely lost, and she would make his life a nightmare for a while. 3. Finally, why would he even continue to try and foster a friendship with her? Most people do not deal with friends that speak the way she does to him when she gets upset. Constantly swearing and putting him down is not what a friend should do, even when upset. thanks again, your advice is appreciated.
@overhthinker......We certainly hope we're wrong. Take care and good luck. Keep us posted.
Not the advice I was hoping for, but I definitely respect your honest truth.I don't think I would be completely happy being only his best friend as long as I'm still single. If I was happily with someone else then I don't think I would be bothered. I have a habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt, and forgiving quickly. So I guess what I'm saying is that after all the drama he was constantly going through with her, it seems logical to me that he needs some space to not be with anyone and just get his head on straight again and life back on track. possible? I believe that b/c our relationship didn't change even while they were together, I would think that it would be the same if there was another girl as well. He was very open with her from the start that I was not going anywhere, and we were best friends. Thanks for confirming my thoughts to stay out of saying anything about her. ps. he has called me the past 4 days in a row now just to talk, and we have talked for like an hour each time!
@overthinker.......Don't you think he'd be jumping at the opportunity to be with you if he really wanted to be with you? You're single, he's single. Instead he says he wants to be alone. Yet, he's still talking to her. He's definitely not telling you everything. And really, if nothing were to ever happen between you, do you think you'd be happy being his best friend? And let's say that you're best buds. Do you think that would continue if he started getting serious about someone else other than this girl? We don't see how it would continue. Our suggestion: Stay out of any drama that is occurring now. He doesn't want your opinion because he knows how you feel about him. (It wouldn't be objective.) So that's a losing situation for you. Will he come back to you? We think he would have already come back if he was going to. Sorry, we wish we could be more uplifting, but that's how we see this.
Hey guys! I frantically wrote you guys awhile back about my ex of 3 years seeing another girl and still leading me on (saying he loves me ect.) He and I are 24 and this other girl is 19. I'm back again for more wonderful advice. My ex and the other girl have been split since feb. now, after multiple previous breakups since they rushed into the relationship. He and I continued to foster the same type of relationship before, during, and now after their break. We talk fairly often and for quite a long time when we do talk, still say I love you, and he sent me a b-day card in march that stated "hopes of warm sunny days like when we are together, and he thinks the world of me" signed with "love". I also finally got to visit him again since they got together in September. Which is where things get crazy. When I visited in mid march they were obviously not together and she actually had moved back home several hours away. She stalked my fb and saw a public post of mine that noted I was going to be in his city visiting. Everyday I was there visiting she would call and text him into all hours of the night to argue that I was visiting. It turned out that every night I was there she actually ended up in the hospital for attempted suicide!One night in the span of 15/20mins she called 26 times, left 2 voice mails, and another 15 texts. She kept thinking she was getting "replaced" and questioning every single thing we did while I was there, she was constantly swearing at him(verbally abusive if you ask me), and would not believe him when he told her we didn't sleep together. She also had friends of hers emailing him and texting him telling him to leave her alone, and that he was making a huge mistake. Reminder, he is not with either of us! So, during all of this I continued to support and be there for him as a friend, and didn't voice my opinion of how he was being treated by her. Just tried as hard as can be to be the bigger person and not cause more drama in his life. Also when I was there we had a heart to heart I told him exactly what I want(to be together) and that I haven't been waiting, and been trying to date, but I still want him. He told me that he doesn't want me to wait, but he also doesn't want me to just give up. I asked him again how he truly felt about me, and he said he still loves me. I asked if he sees a future with me and he said yes.He also when I asked him what he wanted he said he doesn't want to be with anyone right now. He said he needs time to figure things out.(Which I totally understand after all the drama he has been through with her, and I know you can't rush someone to be in a relationship.)I also know that many times a guys readiness to be in a relationship is tied to their success and career. He is going through tough times at work and wants to find a new job. The other girl is also someone he worked with so the drama from her partially spills over into his work environment since co-workers know both of them. That brings me to now. Last week I finally mustered the courage to ask him if things settled down with her so he wasn't so stressed. He said yeah. he stated that "things are ok" and that they are "kinda talking". I have no clue what that means, and I over think everything, but I can't help but be kinda upset that he would even try to be friends with someone who treats him the way she has. A few questions.... Do I continue to keep my mouth shut about my opinion of how she speaks to him since i'm the"ex"? Does he see that i'm being the bigger person here trying to help him and not cause more drama and over react like she does? (though it has been killing me b/c it bothers me she is in the picture at all) Is there any hope of him figuring things out and coming back? Don't get me wrong, I am beyond blessed that we both consider each other our best friend, but I still want him back as more. Thanks again guys!
@Haya......Not sure what we can say here. It sounds like the two of you have a lot to work out before you try again. Good luck and take care.
@Lonely Lisa..........We understand why you did what you did. What's done is done. We wouldn't bring it up even if he does come back. Not even to apologize. He should understand that these types of things happen with breakups. And frankly, he's the one that should apologize to you if it ever comes to that. Although once again, if he's already moving to be with her that should tell you a lot. The fact that he acted how he acted with you and then all of a sudden is with her should tell you a lot about who he is. Is this the kind of guy you can trust and build a committed relationship with? Something to think about even if he does come back. Good luck and take care.
heey , my ex broke up with me 3 days ago because i told him that i can get over him so easily. and now he blocked me from whatsapp and everywhere. he also told his friends that " i can get this bitch whenever i want " but i think that he's doing that to show his friends that hes " a man". however, he really showed me that he loves me but i dont know whats the truth now. is he really thinking that im a toy and he can get me whenever he wants or he is just being a show off ? can you also give me tips on how i can make him regret it so badly ?
thank you guys - I haven't decided yet if I would take him back - it would depend on the circumstances I guess. I really want another chance, but not if Ex is still in his head - my guess is she was the dumper and so holds the power and probably you're right, as soon as she found out about me she reeled him back in. I think though I made a huge ass of myself by texting and calling and bugging and sending lingerie pics and dissing his Ex so he probably thinks he dodged the "crazy bullet" ii haven't sent any texts or calls since Sunday - I think it's weird how he jumped back into her arms I quickly, up and moving to Vancouver within a few days of their reconciliation.
@LonelyLisa.....we're sorry. This is hard. To answer your question: Probably nothing went wrong. The problem was that he was always still into his ex and hasn't cut emotional ties. And it's likely she got a whiff of you and came back to claim her territory. From the reaction of your new friends, this relationship he has with his ex is going nowhere, and probably has always been a roller coaster ride. But maybe that's exactly what he likes and can't move past it. Try not to take this personally. (We know that's hard.) We don't doubt you're way cooler and hotter than this other woman, but your guy just isn't in a place to see it. It's too bad. So what if he comes crawling back? Then what? Will you take him back? (That very well could happen. It's likely his reconciliation will fizzle.)
hello - looking for some advice from guys perspective. I met this wonderful 34 yr old man (im 37) at the ski hill - i wasn't looking for a hook up or anything, was just there to ski for the weekend. Well he was there with his friends (another couple - very nice people) and he asked if I'd like to join them. Ar first I was hesitant but then thought what the hey - so I did - he was wonderful - we really had a lot in common. Too make a long story short - conversation, chemistry, and amazing sex - FYI - I used to fitness model so I have a hot body and I love my lingerie - closet loads of it. We dated up a storm for a month and in that time I became really good friends with the other couple (still am - I adore them) and we did a lot of things - he would text me almost hourly - he even called me to rely on my strength when his grandmother was ill and hospitalized. We agreed to be honest and up front about everything - and we got along wonderfully well. This all came to a screeching halt when we went out for a nice dinner Friday - and by Monday he was back in the arms of his EX gf - (they had broke up almost a year and she had moved on with another man) I tried to get answers out of him but to no avail - he simply says that he has to follow his heart and plan and move forward - thus came completely out of the blue - his ex is a much older Asian woman in her late 40's with 2 adult kids! I don't get it? I'm way younger and hotter and don't have kids or an ex hubby - we were getting along great and this is such a smack in the face. My question is more around why would he go back to her when he had a good thing with me - and if both of them already been with other people how is that going to factor into the reunion? I guess I did some stupid mean frantic texts too as I needed some answers so he probably thinks I'm a nut job. His two closest friends (who are now mine too) can't believe it and they are really angry at him for going back to the ex (whom they can't stand) I don't know if his reunion can last as it seems to me that if the problems existed before than they will still be there and doubly complicated by the fact that they both have had partners between the break. Please - any advice or comments are appreciated - I'm so very heart broken over this - we had such a strong connection and he was so into me - I don't understand where it went wrong?
@Elizabeth......There's no appropriate amount of time, but we'd say no less than two weeks. But this is all guesswork. It just seems like you're doing all the work. We wonder how much thought he's giving all of this. See we don't think this is all about what you did wrong, or right. He just doesn't seem like the guy you thought he was.
Thanks for the quick response! I wonder if he realized that by getting in a relationship, life as he knows it wouldnt be the same. Also, I wonder if hes a perfectionist Given that hes 36 and never been married or engaged. Either way, i want him back and wish i hadnt ended things. Do you think he would initiate even though i called it quits? would he be Waiting For me to initiate? What's an appropriate amount of time to sit on it before I reach out? And if and when I do, how should I approach him? Thanks so much!!!
That was real. I appreciate your advice. Thank You!
@Elizabeth......He had plenty of time to ask you to be exclusive and he didn't. Why do you think this has changed all of a sudden. It sounds like a case of a guy getting excited about the IDEA of love and romance but then when push came to shove he wasn't ready to jump in. What do you think? Is that an accurate assessment? We'd say sit on this for a bit and see what happens. Then reach out to him in a text if you must. We think he should be the one to initiate any sort of reconciliation. And if he's not confident to approach you even after you told him to leave you alone then he's not mature enough to be in a relationship.
@Jasmine......We're sorry. We're not quite sure exactly what you're question is. How to get him to realize what he has and then become committed again? If that's the question then all we can say is he needs to see this on his own. You can't force him to feel a certain way. And if his child is not enough to get him focused we're not sure what will be. He just sounds young and probably overwhelmed. He wants to be single. He feels like he missed out during some of his formative years and now he wants to make up for them. This is similar to how guys feel after they get divorced. It's all about making up for lost time and living without having to answer to anyone. Our advice: Focus on being the best mom you can be, and let your guy know that you still love him and want him back. But don't beg. Just be cool. If he doesn't see what he's losing that's going to be his loss. Something he'll regret down the road. At some point, you're going to have to regroup and move forward. But give it a little more time. Good luck. And take care.
Hi guys, So I was set up with a 36 year old guy 5 months ago. We hit it off right away and it was great. Everyone around us said we were perfect for each other. The person that introduced us said he's my future husband. We even told each other were perfect for each other. Within 2 weeks I met his family, then went to a work function and had virtually met all his friends, who all seem to love me. This is also mixed with the fact that we have crazy chemistry. He asked me to spend Christmas Eve and day with him followed by New Year's Eve and day. At that 2 months we still hadn't established exclusivity. But he got upset whenever he found out I was on a date. 2.5 months later I went away to visit family and he texted me he's not sure the relationship is right for him right now. I was shocked! So we took a couple weeks apart then he started reaching out to me again. Another 2 months pass and then I said I want him to meet brother, but he hesitated. At this point he hasn't met my family. So in the moment I ended things with him. I secretly was hoping he'd work to change my mind, but besides crying, he didn't really try hard to stop me from leaving him. It's now 2 weeks later since I ended things and I haven't heard from him. I'm second guessing myself and wanting to reach out. I'm surprised I haven't heard from him. I had told him to leave me alone so I can move on but when he asked if I really want him to leave me alone I said I don't know. Will he contact me? Should I contact him? I want to be with him and am wondering if I acted prematurely.
I'm 23 years old and I'm fresh out of a relationship with the father of my child. We met in college, we've been dating since we were 18. We now have a 10 month old together. Ever thing was perfect and out of nowhere he tells me he don't want to live my fantasy lifestyle, he can't see himself being in a relationship now nor anytime soon because he don't like being told what to do. I do not boss him at all, I've always stayed in my place being a woman in a mans world. I've only looked out for his best interest. When I tried to talk to him about some life adjustments and at least getting himself together for providing a better life for our child he rejects talking to me and reconstruct our conversation in to this dramatic blow up which goes back to our personal issues of why were not together. I feel that he's made it clear that he don't want a life with me, but for some reason I feel that he's going to one day want to come back. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I know the problem rooted from me moving back to Dallas, TX., from Houston, TX., which is where he reside. I was only doing what was best for my first born because this was all new to me and I had just graduated from college. I haven't done anything to make him develop this dislike towards me, but he's turning into this person I've never seen before. I've done everything I could to fix something that is completely broken. When were in Houston visiting, he's the ultimate family man, but once we leave, back to the bullshit. He throws it in my face that he's single I guess so that I don't forget. Being a woman of course I'm emotional, spending time together as a family gives me false hopes to something he said he don't want. I feel like we are turning into complete strangers. School me I need help.
@Sarah......Even if the two of you aren't in touch, he'll still be in your life if he wants to be. Meaning, it's not like he's going to forget you in a few months. In fact, it's more likely he'll start missing you, and remember the good things, if the two of you are not in constant touch. You don't need to play games, but let him be the initiator. And then see what happens when you return in July.
thank you for the prompt reponse. what if he one day texts me and is okay to be around me again. ive read a lot of other sites and they all say to keep distant and such. but of what he said is sincere and i fully believe it. do i tell him i miss him if he says he misses me? what can i say because i dont want to scare him away. im willing to work on myself but i dont want him out of my life.
@Sarah.....Long distance relationships often amplify our own insecurities. Although, we will say that it takes a very secure person to feel comfortable in a long distance relationship. Or it takes a very secure relationship, one that's maybe already withstood some stress. The best thing you can do is keep in touch with him and try to be supportive and casual during this break. That is until you return in July. There's not much else you can do. This is a good time for self-reflection and growth. To answer your question: If he's being honest with you, then yes, he'll still be open to you in a few months. But it's hard for us to say if he is being honest. You know him better than we do. Try not to think about what he might be doing. Like he said, it truly is none of your business even though we can totally see why you'd want to know what he's up to. But if you inquire it will only drive him away further. This is the time to be Cool! Hang in there and take care.
i need help =/ i met my ex in grad school and we didnt start talking until after we graduated. Back then I was not involved with him and made the decision to teach abroad. This was when we started talking everyday. He used to write me emails every morning...basically he chased me. We got together in a long distant relationship. We argue often but always talk through our problems and strive to be better people. He came for a two week vacation and during this time I met his whole family. Things were great. When he went back I became more emotional for fear of losing him. The typical paranoia came and I over think about things. At first he was supportive but one day I blew up on him and he pushed my buttons. I then said I wanted to break up with him. Five minutes later I apologized but he said the damage was done. Next morning I tried apologizing again but he was still very hurt and mad at me insisting that the breakup is real. I tried keeping contact during my emotional turmoil these past five days. He keeps saying he wants space and that I have no idea how much this hurts because he feels like I betrayed him. He also said I need to work on myself if I wanted us to work out in the future but that right now we are not together. I asked him if he was going out meeting new people and he said that is none of my business anymore. That hurt. Last thing I heard from him is that if I believe in us hell be there when its all said and done but as of right now were not together. It is hard but Im keeping away from him. no contact. In the meantime I have reflected on myself and am continuing to work on my own issues. Im just wondering though, from a guys perspective, do you think he will come back? he said he needed space because he loves me so much and he needs to see if he can find a way to completely trust me again. any suggestions/comments? any would be appreciated. thank you! (long distance is 1 year only. im going back in july)
@Giselle....Feel free to ask as many questions as you'd like. And spread the word about us. Take care and be well.
Thankyou so much, my brain feels much relieved. i think i will just let him be and let him handle things his way :) I shall come back from my vacation and spam you guys on how to approach him. i really can't afford to go wrong if there's any potential chance.
@Giselle....There's no harm in reaching out to him. But he still needs time to figure this all out. Maybe your time away will give him some quiet time for reflection. And you.
Also, in 2 weeks i will be leaving for a 2 month vacation. what he believes and knows is that i might not come back. but actually i will. so do i make a move and ask for him to meet up. Because i fear he will think that i am never going to return and will force himself to move on during those 2 months.
I need help with how to approach him and getting back into his life. And when to terminate the no contact phase .
@Giselle.....Both of you need time away to asses what it is you really want. And reflect on who you are in a relationship and if that "person" is in fact who you actually want to be. Mistakes were made by both of you, but that's very normal. We all make mistakes. The question is, how do you work through them. Some people don't want to expend the energy. And in some cases this is probably the correct assessment. Some relationships just don't work no matter how hard we try. He's got to figure out if he wants to try again with you. But in order to do that he needs to reflect, grow and mature himself. You might take this time to do the same. Take care and keep us posted.
Hello there, I still love him . And Im being as optimistic as it gets about the situation. so im moving on so i can develop holistically, but i still expect him back which may hamper what im trying to do. Im a psychologist myself, and i thought what you thought, but you can imagine as a girl just how badly this is messing with my head i really needed a "guys perspective" We are both 22. Problem is, even with friends when he gets mad he cuts them off completely, and then much later when they make a move into his life he forgives them, i just dont know what i should be doing. i keep telling myself things will fall into place if they must.
@Giselle....How old are the two of you? It will help us figure this out. So what exactly do you want? Do you really want him back or are you just annoyed that he moved on? Our gut tells us he's still in love with you and him meeting someone new is a reaction to your breakup and the fact that he feels hurt by you. We're not trying to place the blame on you, just letting you know what he's likely thinking and feeling. Dating someone else is his way of regaining some control in his life, since with you he felt out of control and that you were running the show. At least emotionally. In some ways, he didn't like himself with you, or rather didn't respect himself with you. Maybe this is too much psychology, but that's our first reaction. What do you think?
Just making my first question really clear, 1)Is this is a rebound ? considering we brokeup 3 months back and he started liking this girl just 2 months after the breakup. And apologies for the lack of spacing and punctuation :P I suck with punctuating .
Hi guys, I have a bit of a complicated situation here. Okay to begin with let me break my dating life into 4 phases. 1) i met a guy in 2010 december, we didnt talk much initially and got very friendly only. the following year we spent about 4 months chilling together and getting to know one another. I was stuck up, tomboyish and had never dated before. He asked me out and i said yes instantly. The 2011 was good, we spent some great times together, however he'd keep insisting that i must be more couple-like and that dating was a very emotional thing ( i was extremely staid and insensitive). Overtime that changed too. we went through this year without any arguments whatsoever. 2) 2012 arrived, and this was academically a very important year for me. i began getting anxious and gave him a hard time, he put up with my crap. and after much thought i asked for a break, took a week off and got back with him after the week passed by. the same year, after about 3 months i was facing a lot of familial pressure, so i proposed the idea of breaking up. after returning from the summer vacations i didnt get in touch with him for over 2 weeks. one day he came down with his friends and begged for me to come back and said that things would fall into place and actually cried in front of his friends. we got back. then things began changing we didnt talk much he became aloof and cold, i felt neglected but didnt say much. soon, i fell extremely ill followed by which i really yelled at him and i was right; but it was just that i could have been more sensitive. He got hurt, but stuck along anyway. much later, after about 2 weeks time, he proposed that we break up. so we brokeup against my will and i spent the entire day crying; the same night we got back. after another 2 months, he continued to be cold and aloof, i began getting a little clingy and demanded what went wrong; everything was fine, but he asked for a break again, we brokeup but for 3 days, during which he kept no contact whatsoever ( he is extremely stubborn). after i begged him we got back for 2 weeks before he called it off for good. 3) the breakup began in 2012 december. all the way until january end 2013, he continued treating me almost ( not exactly) like how he did when we were in the relationship. he wouldnt initiate contact, but when i did he wouldnt hesitate to reply. we had many days where we'd express our liking for each other, and other days when i'd beg and cry for him . 4) starting february onwards, we had multiple arguments about getting back. He didnt want to and i didnt see a reason behind why he called it off ( He said he was hurt, and couldnt do it anymore, and that he still liked me ). we kept arguing about the same , about 5-6 times till mid february. Around 20th of february he went out on a tour and got me a gift, which i asked for in good humour. And upon returning he said he wanted to give me the gift however he didnt want me to interpret the situation other and dig for hidden meanings.i said that if i took the gift i would overassume stuff and believe that he liked me. in the same conversation i teased him saying he often sat in his room and "thought of me" to which he laughed agreeingly. I stretched the joke a little , all in good humour but eventually it turned into an argument during which he said that " i dont like you,and i dont think about you. i dont want a realtionship i just want to end up living alone with 2 dogs in my own apartment ". one day i find out from his friend that he brokeup with e because i may have to move to a different university in due course and that he couldnt long distance. he had expressed his discomfort with long distancing many atimes before and i said we'd figure it out. way up until march, he never really made any conversation but if he saw me around he would go out of his way to walk all the way upto where i was to say hi and give me a hug . one day i confronted him saying that his behaviour confuses me and i asked him if he even liked me at all. we got into another argument during which he said i dont like you but i care for you and have a soft corner for you i want to meet other people and he said you're going to have to be okay with that eventually. I told him that i wont be moving cities and that if long distance was his problem he didnt have to worry, to which he said it wasnt long distancing ( though he told his best friend that it was that ) i stopped contacting him since. He would see me around and tell me how beautiful i am . and that i must be having a lot of people after me. i said no and he'd reply saying you're too naive to even know how many people like you. 2 weeks later, at a friends birthday he saw me and he started his usual flattery i paid zero heed. and then he tried starting a conversation, i gave one word , yet polite replies. He asked me to come sit next to him on the same couch, i politely replied "no". i continued with no contact. until last week when his bestfriend lied to him in a conversation saying i still obsesses about him and wish to speak to him. to which he replied " she can talk to me for as long as she doesnt ask me to get back with her. im really okay being friends with her' I called him up and clarified that i stopped tlaking because we needed space, and that it owuldnt be right for me to obsess about him to his friends and that i never actually did such a thing; then we continued talking of other stuff just as if nothing happened ( much like when we were together). after hanging up, he texted me after 2 hours saying " it was really fun talking to you btw" 2 weeks post the conversation i started another chat with him, asking him how he was and just generally he said he was really good, and after continual talking he told me that he wanted me to know from him and not someone else that he'd met someone and that its going good and they just know that they like each other but arent dating yet. he asked me if i was okay with it to which i replied " yeah :D, it's between you guys and i really hope it works out for you :) " I found out that he met her in february and began talking to her in march. so it hasnt been long. i also learnt that she is much much younger to him and has green eyes ( he has a weakness for pretty eyes) . I am trying to stay off contact, and am doing a good job, but i still like him and i still see him watching me and he very casually goes on and likes my facebook pictures. this was my first relationship, he dated a girl six months before me for a month. this is our longest and most realistic relationship (2 years) and we were both extremely happy and in love most of the time. throughout our relationship he was the more emotional one . also he is very stubborn so even if he felt anything for me he wouldnt show it or make a move. i want to know : 1) if this is a rebound ? considering we broke her only 2 months after our breakup ? 2) And whether he likes me or if the mixed responses are normal and im just looking too much into it ? 3) and what could possibly be going on in his mind?
@Irene.....You're welcome. Good luck.
Hey guys! Thanks for the reply! I am moving on. I did think the whole bank story was weird but I believe people make mistakes and I think he learned from it. If he does come back he needs to show me he's ready for a relationship and I'm not sleeping with him again unless he wants a serious relationship. In the meantime I'm not begging anymore nor am I waiting around for him.
@AS...We responded at the other place you left this: Are we FWB or does he want something more?
@Irene.....We responded on other post: Will he come back?
@Irene....We're sorry. We know you really care for this guy, but honestly, we don't think he's coming back. (At least for anything serious.) He might come back if he's particularly lonely, or if he wants sex, or some company, but he's not coming back for anything like a relationship. In fact the two of you really never got a relationship started in the first place. He never wanted to commit, he just wanted all the amenities that went along with commitment. (Fun and sex) So as hard as it might be we think you should move on. And from where we stand, we don't think you should go back with him even if he does come back. Finally, we've never heard of anyone "accidentally" depositing someone's money into their own account. Have you? Doesn't that sound a bit odd to you? Seriously.
Dear guys, I need your advice. My boyfriend and I started dating 3 months ago right after he ended a 2 year long relationship. We have known each other for 7 years and have always been friends and share the same inner circle. While he was still with his ex we talked and texted all the time, but we always had boundaries and I respected his relationship, but it quickly became apparent why we were always talking to eachother. One night we got drunk together and he professed his feelings for me, and I told him that whether or not I felt the same was irrelevant and not something we should discuss while he lived with another girl. He told me he wanted to pursue what we had and he subsequently broke it off with his live-in girlfriend 3 weeks after the conversation to prove his sincerity. We started seeing each other immediately after she moved out of his apartment and spent almost every day together. We have absolutely the best time together where we can laugh and play but also an intellectual and passionate connection, and a great love life. Both our families know about our relationship and we have met each other’s parents on numerous occasions before, and everyone gets along. My sister is married to his best friend, and a lot of our mutual friends are in couples, so naturally they were excited for us and started treating us like a couple a week into dating eachother. We even went on a holiday a month into seeing eachother, and we have another vacation planned and booked in May with 4 friends. We have both talked about the importance of our relationship to each other and he has expressed a desire to move in together and settle down and that this is for the long haul. I have had my doubts whether it was moving too soon and I’ve told him before that I like to take things easy instead of rushing in, and he agreed, but because of all the ties and our friends always arranging things and events we never actually got to take it slow, it’s been a whirlwind. Personally, as much as I know that he is in love with me, I was also worried that he was emotionally unstable jumping from a relationship to another basically overnight. This idea came to materialize a couple of days ago. For a few days he had been very closed off and not his usual happy and talkative self so when I asked him what was bothering him, he told me he is in love with me and afraid that everything has moved too quickly and that jumping from one relationship into another might have been premature. He is completely over his ex and they have cut all ties so she is not the issue, its moreso the fact that he never had the time to just be himself and find himself again after their breakup, and that he is afraid he is bringing emotional baggage into our relationship because of it. As much as I know he is right, it bothers me that this is coming 3 months into it. He told me he wants a future with me and wants to be there for me 100%,, but he needs a little time to sort out his own life out and feel like himself again before we go all the way and commit to each other wholeheartedly. He assured me that this is just for short while to make sure that all ties to his past are severed so that he can go all in. Should I worry that he needs to some time off from our relationship to help us be stronger in the future? Does this even sound legitimate or just a bad excuse? I’m extremely hurt but I’ve agreed to giving him some space. He’s texted me since to tell me how grateful he is that I understand and that he isn’t doing this to hurt me, but to help us become better together in the long run. He is always completely honest with me and I understand that this is necessary, but what should my position on this be?
This is a great website.
The guy I was talking to is almost four years younger than me. we were talking for two months. We wanted to take things slow since we've both been hurt in the past. Everything was going fine. We went on dates twice a week, held hands all the time, talked and texted every day. We slept together many times too. He always said that he likes me alot and that I have all the qualities he wants in a girl friend. We always had fun together and slept with each other as well. I know that was a mistake since we agreed to go slow. My parents didn't like him because he didn't have his degree yet. He is in school part time to be an engineer and also worked at a bank. Ever since he lost his job about three weeks ago, he's been distant. He said that he accidentally deposited a client's money in his account. His boss of course didn't believe it was on accident. For four days I noticed he was distant. Two weeks ago i asked him if he still likes me and he said yes. I asked why he has been distant and he said he has alot on his mind. I said well can we talk tonight? He said no hun call you tomorrow I'm doing homework now. I said please? You being distant is bothering me. He said no I have things to do tonight call you tomorrow. I said ok. I called the next morning and left him a voicemail saying I'm sad and that I hope he wants to see me again. I said I understand if he just wants to be friends or needs some time alone. He never called or texted back. I tried calling a few times again on Saturday night but no answer. I texted three days later saying please call me back. I'm really sad you just stopped talking to me out of the blue. I really would appreciate an explanation. No response. I don't understand how someone could just lose interest like that. Do you think alot of it has to do with losing his job? I miss him and he made me happy. Last weekend he texted saying he just wants to be alone now and doesn't have time for a relationship with anyone right now. I said ok. I left him lone for about a week and then I texted thr! ee days later asking if he ever wants to see me again he said he'd call if he's ready. So I left him alone for three days then last night I felt lonely and called alot within a few hours hoping to see him. He finally texted back (i could tell he was annoyed) saying he wants to be alone and doesn't want to see me and to move on. I said ok well if you change your mind let me know. Do you think there's any chance he'll want to see me in the future? Did I totally ruin it? :-( he has been cheated on multiple times in the past by his ex and took her back before. I hope he didnt take her back again. She even hit herself in front of him and went to his house and started hitting him. To this day, she still tries contacting him. I've been cheated on too by my previous ex of 2 yrs. this is a huge blow to me and my self esteem. Anyways, I deleted this guy's number so I'm not tempted to call during times I feel desperate or depressed. Any chance I have with him again?
The guy I was talking to is almost four years younger than me. we were talking for two months. We wanted to take things slow since we've both been hurt in the past. Everything was going fine. We went on dates twice a week, held hands all the time, talked and texted every day. We slept together many times too. He always said that he likes me alot and that I have all the qualities he wants in a girl friend. We always had fun together and slept with each other as well. I know that was a mistake since we agreed to go slow. My parents didn't like him because he didn't have his degree yet. He is in school part time to be an engineer and also worked at a bank. Ever since he lost his job about three weeks ago, he's been distant. He said that he accidentally deposited a client's money in his account. His boss of course didn't believe it was on accident. For four days I noticed he was distant. Two weeks ago i asked him if he still likes me and he said yes. I asked why he has been distant and he said he has alot on his mind. I said well can we talk tonight? He said no hun call you tomorrow I'm doing homework now. I said please? You being distant is bothering me. He said no I have things to do tonight call you tomorrow. I said ok. I called the next morning and left him a voicemail saying I'm sad and that I hope he wants to see me again. I said I understand if he just wants to be friends or needs some time alone. He never called or texted back. I tried calling a few times again on Saturday night but no answer. I texted three days later saying please call me back. I'm really sad you just stopped talking to me out of the blue. I really would appreciate an explanation. No response. I don't understand how someone could just lose interest like that. Do you think alot of it has to do with losing his job? I miss him and he made me happy. Last weekend he texted saying he just wants to be alone now and doesn't have time for a relationship with anyone right now. I said ok. I left him lone for about a week and then I texted asking if he ever wants to see me again he said he'd call if he's ready. So I left him alone for three days then last night I felt lonely and called alot within a few hours hoping to see him. He finally texted back (i could tell he was annoyed) saying he wants to be alone and doesn't want to see me and to move on. I said ok well if you change your mind let me know. Do you think there's any chance he'll want to see me in the future? Did I totally ruin it? :-( he has been cheated on multiple times in the past by his ex and took her back before. I hope he didnt take her back again. She even hit herself in front of him and went to his house and started hitting him. To this day, she still tries contacting him. I've been cheated on too by my previous ex of 2 yrs. this is a huge blow to me and my self esteem. Anyways, I deleted this guy's number so I'm not tempted to call during times I feel desperate or depressed.
@Alice.......Sorry for the delay. Busy day yesterday. First thing: You shouldn't be taking the blame for this. Relationships are a two-way street and sex is all part of that. We see your sexual relations as more a reflection on the basic dynamic of your relationship. So do not feel guilty at all. And we also agree that he has not treated you the way someone treats someone they care about. Will he come back? We wish we could be more positive, but we doubt it. He questioned the breakup for a moment and that's why he tried to reconcile. But he also quickly realized it wasn't what he wanted. Maybe he's a good guy, but he hasn't acted that way, and actions do speak louder than words. Seriously. If you can, we encourage you to try and move on. That's what he's doing. Good luck and take care. And feel free to ask as many questions as you'd like.
Thank you for your reply. It helps a lot and I know deep down that it’s all true. It does throw up a lot of thoughts and questions! I can see why the “punching above his weight” might be a big issue in this. It ties in to something he told me during one of the break-up talks – he told me that one of his friend’s female friends had been all over him on a drunk night-out in a club when we were together (he didn’t cheat but I think he was tempted). It feels like he’s compared her behaviour to mine and loves the fact that she made him feel so desired. He also never really commented on my appearance when we were together but was quick to label other girls as “hot” (maybe I’m reading too much into this but it’s like he didn’t want me to feel too good about my looks?) and he was a serial flirt and very good at it (I talked to him about this because it bugged me a lot and he assured me that it meant absolutely nothing, was just his personality). But perhaps it was for the mini ego-boosts and attention. Buuut on the other hand, I have self-esteem issues and he knows this, often told me to be more confident in myself. I say I’m attractive because enough people have voluntarily told me and I notice the looks in the street, but I genuinely do not view myself in that way. I’m a shy girl and I had eyes only for him. I was always affectionate towards him (even if he’s convinced himself that I wasn’t, or not enough), and I showed how I felt about him in so many other ways too. I've also reiterated while we've been broken up about how I felt about him, both physically and emotionally. It’s so confusing… Another thing: the way we left things when he broke-up with me on the phone was with the conclusion that I was to blame for all this for not initiating sex enough. I ended up being the one feeling so guilty, filled with overwhelming regret and apologising to him. Now I feel conflicted – I want him to know how cruel the things he said and did were (he was so harsh during that phone conversation, belittled everything about us and acted like he didn’t give a damn, it was awful!), and ask what I ever did to deserve that kind of treatment? From Facebook I can see that he's out every night after work having fun (he never did this before) while I’m hurting so badly and going crazy. It’s like he got away with being such an a-hole and it’s not fair. But then again, his utterly heartless and cold behaviour signals to me that he’s back in that very dark place again because that’s just not him…he’s a good, kind person and I want to make sure he’s ok. I can’t stop caring about him despite all this and I’m the only person who knows about his issues. I’m not sure he can get through them by himself. Just another question (sorry!) – does it happen often that a guy wants his girl back and then changes his mind so soon afterwards? After all the seemingly heartfelt things he said about wanting me back, he didn’t even give us a chance. We were back together for 3 weeks, but he had made his mind up after 10 days/fortnight that he didn't want to be with me.
@Alice.....We're sorry. This is confusing. Clearly he's not telling you something. It could be because he's not self-aware enough to know what the problem is, or he's trying to spare your feelings, or he's too depressed to know much of anything right now. We don't think you could have done anything differently, or should have. But here's one possibility to consider. If you say he's "punching above his weight" it's possible that bothers him. Some guys love being with a woman who's much more attractive than them, and others want to be "THE MAN." Guys who want to be "THE MAN" need to feel like they are in charge, and the need to be the best a woman's ever had, if you know what we're saying. A guy who is depressed is probably a guy who's insecure even if he projects confidence. So it's possible that his loss of attraction for you is a way of protecting himself. These kind of guys need a woman to make them feel masculine. They need a woman to fawn all over them. We still don't think you should have done things differently. If this is what's going, you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of guy you want to build a life with. Is it? It might be fine now but it would be pretty draining after a while because it would extend beyond the bedroom into every facet of your lives. The thing with break ups Alice is that sometimes you don't get the answers you need from the other person. And this might seem like it came out of nowhere but he was probably mulling it over for some time now. Yes, even while he was saying all those wonderful things to you. Our suggestion: We don't see the benefit of being friends with him. That's just going to keep you in an emotional holding pattern and we don't believe this is going to turn around suddenly. Your guy has a lot of work to do on his own, and he's got a long way to go to be ready to be in a healthy relationship. We suggest you do your best to move on even if you are wishing for more explanations. Hang in there. Do you have other questions? Feel free to treat this as a conversation.
Dear Guys, I was with my ex for 5 months when he broke up with me out of the blue. We're both in our early 20s. We had a wonderful relationship - we saw each other all the time, never fought, were always laughing and joking and in general we connected on a level that I've never had with any of my friends, let alone past boyfriends and he felt the same. Everyone around us thought we were perfect together and he told me repeatedly that those months were the best of his life. His happiness even inspired him to try and find someone for his single dad "so that he can feel how I do." Now I should mention that he suffers from anxiety, and has had depression on/off for the past few years (although not when we were together). So a couple of months ago he was pretty much forced to quit his job after a dispute with his boss and was suffering from pretty bad anxiety prior to this. About a week later and after being away from home visitng family and barely communicating with me the whole time, we met up and he broke things off giving reasons like "the sex appeal has gone for me", "I'm just not that happy with us", "I want to be free to do whatever I want" etc etc etc. Everything he said completely contradicted everything he has ever told me, right up until that week before the break-up! We were apart for a month and during that time there were phone calls in which the extent of his anxiety and depressive, self-sabotaging tendencies emerged and it was clear that it was getting worse. He told me such worrying things like he feels guilty whnever he's happy and that I deserve so much better than him. I care about him so much that I wanted to be there for him and to help him as nobody else knows about his issues. It was painful doing this I was destroyed by the hurtful things he'd said and the seemingly heartless break-up that came out of nowhere. I wrote letters to him about his problems and he called me a couple times when he was feeling really low and I made him feel better just by talking and joking with him like old times, but never bringing up the relationship. A couple weeks later he messaged me wishing me good luck for a job interview I had that day and a few messages later he said he wanted to see me. We met up that evening and just hung out in a bar catching-up like friends and had a really fun time. Then the conversation turned to his anxiety and he started saying how he didn't know why he had broken up with me, that all the reasons he had initally said were just excuses and that he had been in a dark place and just wanted to push everybody away in his life. He said the sexual attraction had never gone and that he never wanted to hurt me ever again and would prove it. We met up again, talked some more about it and got back together. he told me that he wanted to take it slow. That was just over a month ago and I'm now single again and have been for 2 weeks. During that brief period of reconciliation we messaged each other every day and had some great dates; that amazing connection was stronger than ever. But we only held hands and cuddled, nothing else...I was waiting for him to make the first move in terms of kissing and touching as he was the one wanting to take it slow and honestly, I didn't think he deserved to have me all over him after what he'd put me through. 3 weeks later he breaks up with me in a phone call saying that he can only view me as a good friend and nothing else. Has no sexual feelings for me. When I tried to dig deeper the next day (again over the phone) in complete despair, he said that during our relationship before the break-up I had hardly ever initiated sex or affection with him and that it was off-putting. So then when I didn't during our reconciliation it reminded him of that. (I need to add here that I'm an attractive female. I get a lot of attention and comments and many people joked that he was punching above his weight with me. I knew that and didn't care in the slightest). So Guys, WTF?! Can you offer any insight here? How could he be so cruel? And to say to an attractive girl that has shown she deeply cares for you, who digs you and who you have an amazing connection with that you don't see her in a sexual way? Is he just messed up and confused because of all his problems? It feels like I've entered the "friend zone" because I know too much about what goes on inside him, there's no mystery now. He even told me that I know him better than he knows himself! Can this all really be over because I didn't initiate sex enough?! He never even hinted at this during our relationship. I can't comprehend any of this. And what do I do now? NC or be friends?!
@Valerie....We're sorry you're feeling this way. You just have to take it a day at a time. Eventually, you'll be clearer on what you need to do. Hang in there.
Well, yes. It all feels kind of weird. My friends (they are also his friends) tell me that I should try to move on, stay friends with him but stop thinking this is going somewhere. I know they're right, I mean I always knew this hasn't a long term future. I still have 4 years ahead of me to finish my studies and he has he's life in his country. I have to add that he is 27 and I am 20, so I would understand that he isn't looking for a long distance relationship with a 20 year old girl. When he was here he told me I was very special to him. And we weren't just dating, we were very good friends and our group of friends was the same. What I'm thinking right now is that he suddenly noticed this is going nowhere. I still believe that he likes me, but he's good at making decisions with his mind and not his heart, unlike me. I have the feeling he is not telling me that this is over because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. And I have no clue how to confront him about this because if this ends I want it to end in a smooth way and still be friends with him. In 3 months we are traveling together with our friends, and I don't want it to be awkward. Stil I really don't understand why he keeps telling me that he misses me.... I feel so lost right now.
@Andrea......Communicating all of the time isn't going to keep you relevant. It's what's going on in his mind. If you're relevant in his mind then you'll stay relevant.
Thanks Guys. I know, initiating all of the time is never good. Is it possible he is also hurt? I feel like Im the only one going through the motions here. Maybe Im in denial, but I dont want him to move on. And the reason why I communicate all the time is because I want to stay relevant. I want us to end up together, I just dont know what to do right now
@Andrea...... Many guys' ego and self-worth are linked to their career. It's difficult to discern whether his ups/downs are related to your relationship or to the loss of his job. To us, it seems he's into you, but to what extent is not clear. Is he into you enough to move? That's hard to say. You can tell much by how a guy talks during long distance. This guy isn't saying things like, "We can make this work. Maybe I'll move. Etc." In fact he's doing the opposite. So it's possible, he was into you when you were there but now that you're gone he's moving on. One piece of advice: Make sure he's the one doing most of the initiating. If he's not it's not a great sign. Good luck.
Valerie....This seems very uncertain, and up and down, all over the place. We just hope it's not his hormones talking, if you know what we mean. Trust your gut. What do your friends say?
Dear Guys I recently moved back home to North America after living in the UK for 6 months. While I was there, I reconnected with a guy I was introduced to a year ago in a while I was working in a completely different country, he was visiting a mutual friend. We hit it off and spent the next few days hanging out before he returned to UK. We remained in touch and connected when I made the move in the fall. He was a perfect gentlemen, a great friend and helped me become acquainted with the new city. Not too long after arriving we slept together but I did not feel the chemistry right away. Things felt like they were moving quickly. He would contact me all of the time and when we were together he was super affectionate. I became cold, but was still present (btw I am 29 he is 27, funny nothing changes) This really blurred our friendship before I knew what I wanted. I had just arrived and was frustrated not being able to find work. As impulsive as I am, one night, a few weeks after being there, I told him that it was going fast and I didnt know what I wanted and we should just be friends. I ate my own words. He didnt see what I was seeing and in the end I made us both feel like asses. When we discussed it, he told me he was trying to be nice and be there for me as I did not have too many friends in town. Our friendship quickly recovered and I decided to maintain the boundaries of the friendship (no hanky panky). But I could not resist, days after we continued to sleep together. Everything remained the same. we spoke all of the time we spent most of our time together. He was a gentleman. After pushing me to, I moved to his neighbourhood. This is when I realized my feelings for him. I of course became vulnerable. I starting feeling, since I moved to his area, he didnt see me as much, which in retrospect is crazy cause we did spend most of the week together. Eventually, after a few months I told him how I felt and that I had regretted saying all that stupidity in the beginning, that I had hoped I didnt ruin a chance for 'us' to happen. He assured me I didnt ruin things, that he liked me too, that he, too, wasnt looking for a relationship then or now and didnt want things to change. I felt sad, but we continued anyway. By the winter I had worked a few odd jobs but had not found my career and decided I needed to move back home as financially, it was getting tough. Once I had told him my decision, he told me I was giving up too early and that I should stay. Once I made my decision, it seemed like he emotionally checked out. We still saw each other most days of the week, slept over, hung out in the day except he wasnt contacting me as often and it seemed like I was initiating all of the plans. He also lost his spark and seemed moody (sad, quiet) at times. this killed me as I did want to stay, mainly for him but could not tell him that. after a week of procrastinating I booked my ticket and a few weeks later I left. We spent the rest of the time together but he seemed subdued. during this time he was also about to lose his job. Now I have been home for 2 months and I cant stop thinking about him. We speak often, but this is because I am initiating the communication. I have told him how I felt, how much I missed him, felt for him and that I was hoping we could keep the possibility of being together someday. He has admitted to some vulnerable things too, not being able to sleep without me, thinking about me when he "least expects", his feelings growing for me. He has mentioned the distance as an issue, he has also agreed to keep it open and see what happens in the future. but since he has lost his job, he also says that its not about us, that he just does not want to be in a relationship right now and whats to keep everything open. Am I not reading between the lines? am i blind? I know he goes through emotional lows at times and hides it. But is it me, is this a clear case of hes not that into me? Thanks so much for reading. I have been trolling the internet, just anything to find peace of mind
Thank you for your advice. I just came back home from a party. I ended up texting him that I missed talking to him. He answered that he really missed talking to me too. We started talking and it seemed like nothing happened. He started telling me how much he misses me and asked me to keep him "posted" with my life and our friends life. He was extremely nice, like he always was when we talked. I'm kind of happy but a bit confused. What it this about? What is happening now? Why is everything ok all of a sudden? Should I ask him where this "relationship" is going to? Should I ask him about my visit again? I somehow know I shouldn't go visit him, but I still feel like this isn't over and that I have to see him again.... Am I in denial and trying to make something impossible work out? I really don't know
@Valerie....Yes, something has changed for him. We can't speculate what that is. But it's possible he didn't see the three months you had together the same way you did. And now that he's back in his own country he has moved on. We understand this is hard for you and you want an explanation. You should ask him, but don't be surprised if you don't get one that's satisfactory. Guys tend to just fade away because it's easier. Reach out to him. You've got nothing to lose now. See what he has to say for himself. We're sorry.
Hello guys! I really need you help at this moment. 5 months ago I met this guy, he was on an exchange semester at the university I study at. We started talking a lot and saw each other everyday (we both lived in the same student's house) , we became very close and I started to like him a lot. We shared almost the same taste in everything. 1 month after we first met, we started dating. We are from very different cultures and at the beginning it was a little bit hard because he is kind of shy and has many problems expressing his feelings. I am totally the opposite. Anyway, we spent the most amazing 3 months of my life together. And then he had to go back to his country. We talked about what we were going to do with our relationship and about what we wanted. We both agreed that we didn't want a long distance relationship but that we would keep in touch and next time we see each other decide what to do. When he left I felt like my world ended because he is the first guy I've ever loved. We started texting a lot, almost everyday and talked about everything. He told me how much he missed me and how much he wanted to see me again, we weren't in a relationship but it kind of seemed like one. 2 weeks ago I talked with him about going to visit him. He said he loved the idea and the he would be very happy if I would go, that just the thought of me there made him very happy. He said he had to check his schedule to see when he had time because he has a lot to do. I told him we should talk about it another day so I could buy my plane tickets and that I needed to be sure that's what he wanted because I didn't want him to change his mind. 2 days after that talk he started acting weird. I texted him and he answered, but in a very dry way. At first I thought he could be stressed. But last week we were both partying and started texting, he was being nice but somehow dry and distant. We talked about me going to visit him again and he said he still wanted me to, but that he had many things to do, and a new job, and had to move to a new house (it all felt to me like excuses) I exploded and asked him if there was something wrong between us and he said he didn't know. He said he didn't know how I feel and what I expect. I told him that I had the feeling that since we talked about my visit he was acting strange and that he might had changed his mind and that he might be scared but that I needed to know because I couldn't keep on believing this is something that it's not. His answer was that he is not scared, but he doesn't have that much time in march and that he still didn't know what I expect. I answered a very long text. He didn't answer and I haven't heard from him since then. He is sometimes online on Facebook, on whatsapp but he doesn't text me. I really don't know what to do.... I don't know if this is over for him, or if he is scared and is shutting his feelings down. I know that for me it isn't over, and I need some explanations for his sudden behavior. I also don't know what to do now, wait until he says something (if he ever will), say something to him? Could you please help me??
@Veronica.....This is your call. We can't say what he deserves or not. But think about your goal and what you need. What is that? What would your goal be for sending the letter? What would you gain if you did? Would you gain anything if you didn't? How can you best heal and move on? Ask yourself those questions before you do anything..........Your letter seems solid, although we'd suggest waiting a few days to a week and then reread it with fresh eyes. Once you send it you can't take it back. Keep us posted.
Hey Guys, thank you so much for your advice. I really think I've made progress in getting over this breakup- which I know wasn't your intention but your perspective really did help. Now my ex has texted and called me, and i know he wants to just keep me emotionally attached so I've ignored him completely. I just have one more question, do you think he deserves an explanation as to why I am ignoring him? And if so, is the one I wrote here good enough? I haven't sent it yet Dear ****, You don’t really deserve an explanation for why I haven’t replied to your text or answered your phone call, but since I wrote this I thought I might as well let you read it. These past two months have really given me time to get used to not having you in my life. You said that long distance relationships just weren’t for you, which was hard for me to accept because I thought I was making it easy. So what I have come to understand is that you’re confused. I think you were torn between the decision of keeping me in your life and going away, when I never pressured you with the choice. I think you were afraid that staying with me would have disabled you from being open to other opportunities, including your placement, jobs, and other girls. At first I felt as if my whole lifestyle had changed. From my mornings, when I still wanted to text you, till my evenings, when I questioned if I should still include you in my prayers. This time we have had apart has made me realise that I should be thankful that our relationship ended because you’re just not right for me. Anyone that can put me through what I have experienced in these past two months and still expect a friendship simply doesn’t deserve it. The only thing that kills me is that when I tried to break up with you I had my reasons, and you didn’t. To this day I honestly don’t think I did anything wrong; and I don’t think there was anything I could have done or said to keep you with me. You just didn’t feel the same way about me when you came back as you did before you left, and I was too blind to realize. When you were mine I tried to be the best person I could possibly be, and I tried to make you happy, and I tried to keep you interested, but you can’t control your feelings and I can’t blame you for that. I just hope that one day you see that I gave you so much of me and although you made your promises, you returned so little. I know you cared about me but I don’t think you loved me, and I don’t think you even know what that is. The bottom line is, I forgive you, and I know you’ll find someone that truly makes you happy, and I know that person will be nothing like me, and they will be everything you’ve dreamed of. No matter what or how much I write will make you feel as small as I want you to feel, and I know that there will always be something more that I wished I would have said. So I don’t want to bore you with this explanation, I just want to say that we can’t be friends because I just don’t see our paths crossing, so you do you, and I’ll do me- Remember? Please don’t contact me anymore, you made the decision to leave me so you need to understand what that means.
@Veronica..... Thanks for clarifying.It would be nice to get some answers from him as to why he broke up with you. To be single? To be with someone else? It might help you figure out some of these questions you're asking us, and everyone. Is that possible? Could you have a sit down with him and really talk things through? As far as being friends with him. That is not a good idea. That's just going to keep you in an emotional holding pattern. If the two of you are not together you need to move on and make yourself open to other possibilities. And frankly, we think you should be unencumbered if you're about to go to university. The more we think about it, the more this sounds enervating. You seem to be giving much more than you're getting. Not the best foundation for a relationship.
Hey again, thank you for your quick reply! Okay so to clarify, he left in September 2012 and was planning on coming back September 2013, with one visit in december (when he broke up with me) and another in march (I would have been going there). I live in ontario and he moved to British Colombia for school, so the difference was three hours. He recently got an offer to work as an intern in Thailand, and was considering taking the job, which could mean him living there for a year or two. So he'd be planning on returning in 2015 i guess, with no visits in between but for good. And I'm planning on going to university for a four year program in september, within the city, and one of his points was that trying to be in a long distance relationship while I was in school would be even harder. Especially when he's in thailand, which would make a 15 hour difference. So we were official for about a year, from January 2012 to December 2012 when he visited for christmas break. You asked if him being unfaithful would change things, and yes, they DEFINITELY would. If anything I think I'd be handling it a little better because I'd know he was completely to blame and there was no possibility of us ever being together again. That is one thing I would never get over, but honestly, I know he's an asshole but I dont think he'd stoop that low. I know he broke up with me, but I think he respects me enough to refrain from that. However, I agree, he may be interested in other girls so that could be why he broke up with me, along with the lack of commitment. Honestly I dont even know if he'll try and get back together with me in the future, I'm not sure if I should pick up his calls or play cool and forgive and forget to stay friends. What do you think I should be doing right now? Is ignoring him the best card to play? I know thats a hard question and vague but I'm so torn and everyone I've spoken to has a different opinion. I'd love to hear yours though!
@Veronica......Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it! We're sorry this is tough for you. So can you clarify a few things for us since we're more familiar with University/College in the states. How long is he gone for currently? Til June? And then what? Is this a four year program? And then when will he go to Thailand? And what about you? Are you planning on going to University? To your question. Long distance relationships are not easy, especially when one person is going off to college and the other is not. The very nature of college is about exploration. Your whole world is shifting as your taking classes, meeting new people, experiencing independence for the first time. And typically when a guy goes to college all he's thinking about is all the new women he's going to meet. He may love his girl back home but he also doesn't want to miss out on opportunities at school. This is likely what's going on with your guy. You don't mention it, but we wouldn't be surprised if your guy has been with a bunch of different women already, especially considering his history. Which of course brings up the topic of cheating. We are a bit confused as to when exactly you were together and when exactly you were split apart while he was away. Would this change things for you if you found out he was unfaithful? As far as getting back together. It's certainly possibly, in fact likely, especially over the summer. But think about this carefully. If he doesn't have a girlfriend at school, of course he's going to want to see you while he's home. But the same pattern will start all over when he goes back to school in the fall. Is this really what you want? Sure, you might have strong feelings for this guy, but we don't think he's ready for a committed relationship. It doesn't sound like he knows what that even looks like. Thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like.
HEY GUYS! Okay so the basic question is, does it sound like this relationship has any hope? I've never felt so deeply about someone, I equally hate him as much as I love him- its driving me crazy. Background: my now ex-boyfried and I met two years ago. He asked me out while I was at work. So what I knew of him, after the second date, was that he slept around- not a player but definitely didn't respect women. On the second date he tried to make a move and I completely shut him down, we obviously had different things in mind, so we became really good friends. Our relationship developed slowly and he let me get closer to him without even realizing. We would talk over drinks and because he didn't think there was a chance, he wasn't afraid to tell me things from his past. Then we started developing feelings for each other and he made me his girlfriend. Eventually, he introduced me to his friends, and a while after that to his family, and luckily they all loved me! It was perfect and we were strong. Trust was probably the strongest value that kept us together, so when he told me he got accepted to a university that was in a different province, we decided to stay together. Now I have mentioned that he's been with a lot of people sexually, I hadn't, in fact before he left for his program I made him my first. Which I blame myself for because that's why I'm so attached. Anyways, the time difference was hard to work around, and I felt that he was slowly changing and forgetting what we had. By the end of the first month he had almost completely neglected skype, our calls were at least a few days apart and text messages became dry. At first I cut him some slack, figured it was school pressure, but eventually I confronted him about the issue and he began to try again. This lasted a week. By the end of the second month I told him that he was basically treating me horribly and that I didn't deserve it and that I wanted to end things if he was going to continue to neglect the relationship. He reassured me, and we were great. I really had hope that we were going to make it through the year. Then the fourth month came and he was able to have his first visit. When i brought up when our next visit would be he began to cry- and then he broke up with me- whilst saying how much he knew he'd regret it and promised that when he came back he would "win my heart back". Naturally I tried to reassure him and was successful! He got ridiculously happy that I still wanted to be with him, even though he may be gone longer than was originally planned (2 years total). A few days after that he doubted the relationship again and said that it just wouldnt work out in the long run because he was planning on taking a placement in thailand (15 hour difference). I tried to be understanding, but I was mostly hurt that he didnt fight for the relationship hard enough. A week after he went back to school we tried to be friends, but then he wished me "happy anniversary" on what would have been our one year and I told him that staying his friend was just too hard, he told me he wanted me to move on (which can only mean he wants to as well) so I completely cut him off, didnt reply to his last text and deleted him off skype and facebook. A month later, he called to see how I was doing, and was noticeably happy that I picked up. I was alright for the first hour of the conversation but ended up breaking down and telling him to never call me again. He said he'd call me in June, to give me more time, just before I hung up. To me it seems that he wants me but only on his own terms? How can i still be so inlove with SUCH AN ASS. I am not used to this. NORMALLY im stronger than this, but ive never been broken up with before, and I definitely never thought he would. I am acting like nothing is wrong to everyone else but this is driving me crazy. Yet there's this pathetic hope that he really will try and make an effort when he gets back, and if that happens does he really even deserve the chance? Surprisingly, I'm the one that dishes out the advice but in my own situation im completely lost. Which brings me to my next point, I think the concept of this site is awesome. Take care guys! ps. I'm 20 and he's 22, not sure if that changes anything.
@Ariel........He's trying to created some distance. And acting cold is the best way to do that. (At least that's his thinking.) Sorry, it sucks.
@Theguys thanks for the quick response!! i understand what your saying .. it just seems weird for someone who seemed so happy and told me how much he loves me to just do that you know? like if he had been acting werid and not so affectionate then i would get the point and see this coming! and your right he probably has been Thinking about it for a while. i just dont understand why he said he wanted to keep in contact and that he would stay in touch and now isnt unless i call first? and is acting cold?? do all guys act cold and distant after a break up? its like i was in his life in one minute and now like im not important :S if it was just to go to school and not because he doesn't love me anymore why wouldn't he want to talk
@Ariel........If he thinks moving is a good opportunity, somehow you factor into this decision. But probably not in the way you hope unfortunately. Sorry. He'd be speaking a different tune if he was way into you. Something changed for him, and even though it seems it's sudden, he's probably been mulling it over for some time now.
@the guys Hey guys! Im kind of stuck in a jam and would love your advice! So iv been dateing this guy for about a year now and we recently broke up 3 and a half a weeks ago .. Heres some back ground first. We had an amazing realtionship! He is the sweetest man i have ever met.. I felt like we were so in love he did eveything for me never broke plans with me always wanted to see me talked to me everyday more then enough effections .. Just so perfect ..so funny and just we had a really loving realtionship. And he hasnt changed theew the year at all.. The problem is he doesnt have any family here they live in winnipig and his mom lives in churchhill and are divorced. He lives in the same city as me.. He has always mentioned its always been an opprotunity to move back home and go to school and get a carrer but never did because of me and just 3 weeka ago he decided hes going :( .. And wants to do it on his own to prove he can do it on his own. I offered to move but he doesnt want me to.. He said he will always be my best friend and hopes in the future we will be together again.. The thing is now he will barley tall to me and is acting cold and wont stay in touch unless i talk to him first? He always anwsers but i dont get how someone " so in love " can just walk away let alone stop talking to me? I know hes at a cross roads with his life but.. I dont know why he doesnt want me along for the journey and is treating me this way?
Ok.. long story. I was with my man for over a year. We had an amazing relationship. Hands down. Before I get more into this, I must throw in the fact that he is a combat veteran with PTSD. (I know this is a factor..) Problem arose when I started going to college in his town... Because I was a transfer student, all the girls in my classes were quite younger. None of them took well to me and I had almost no friends... On top of that, I hated dorm life. (Who doesnt?) So I would spend most of my free time at my mans apartment. What was not said to me until right before our break up was that he felt responsible to keep me at his place because I had no friends and hated dorming. Because of that, he stopped doing his afterschool things he loved, to be with me. Now when I confronted him about this, he just said he was tired or didnt feel like going. So I brushed it off. Now he did try and tell me to stay at my dorm once and a while, but he did not deliver the idea well and I took it offensively. Arguments. He was also very stressed about school and finances.(Still is.) All the stress (from PTSD as well), and not doing what he loved, he blew up one day and broke up with me... He told me he needed to go his own way and figure himself out and that he could not be in a relationship for a while. But he also told me he loved me more than anyone and always will... I just dont understand why we could not try and work it out. I have seen him once since, and he asked me to stay the night so I did. We conversed and laughed, and although he was a tad distant, he still nuzzled against me and held me tight and let me whisper in his ear and kiss his cheeks. The next morning, we ended up having sex... After that we cuddled on the couch watching TV. And as we were cuddling, he says "I hope you know this doesnt change anything." Thats when I flipped out and told him I could not be his friend and that he may never see me again.. He started BALLING his eyes out. We kissed for about 5 min straight and I left. He told me that he could only be a friend for anyone for a while and that he cannot see me for a while. He also says that he hopes we can be friends... But everytime I ask him if I should give up on him forever, he just follows it with "I just need you to leave me alone for a while." So I have been... Is this a loss cause? I dont know what to do. I need a guys perspective. Does he really still love me? Does he ever want to work it out? I know you dont know him and cannot give absolute answers, but I need something.
Hey guys md again with an update. So on my last post I said how me and my. Boyfriend had been split up for 8weekz and out of the blue he sent me a message telling me he missed me and wanted a fresh start and asked if we could meet up for drinks and a talk on the following Saturday well I went for the drinks and we chatted and basically what he said was that he missed me and couldn't get me out his head he said that when he split up with me and said he didn't have any feelings that he was lying and just trying to hurt me at the time he also said that he initially had no intention of breaking up he just wanted space to clear his head but when I came in that night and seen some of his stuff packed I lost it and that's why he said what he did and left, he also said that he thinks we had a good relationship never argued and had fun but he thinks this time will be better, he even went as far as saying to my son did u know me and ur mum are back together. So anyway from that Saturday everything was great and he stayed for the next 5 nights, during that time he was back to his old self very loving holding my hand and cuddling in, sounds great right? Well he left that Thursday and said he would contact me through the weekend, the weekend came and nothing I didn't message him either tho I wanted to inform left it as he said he would message me, eventually on the Monday he turned up out the blue and said that he sent me 3 texts on the Thursday night and I didn't reply sooner he thought I wasn't talking to him so he thought he would come over to see what was going on, I told him I didn't receive any texts and that I was thinking pretty much the same, we left it at that and had a good night, next day we just lay about cuddling and chatting in bed till late afternoon then I had to go out, he said he had some stuff to do aswell so we both left and when we got to my bus stop he said ok ill see u when I get back up the road, that was now 2 weeks ago and I have heard nothing from him I messaged him once last Thursday asking if he was going to tell me what was going on anytime soon he didn't reply. Now I just need to know what is going on, why come back to me after the breakup saying everything he said to me if he was just going to leave again, he is the one who initiated all contact during the breakup said he missed me and couldn't get me out his head and wanted a fresh start. I just don't understand, he said we needed to be honest with each other and I completely opened up to him like he asked, now I'm back to square one not having a clue what's happening and I can't belive he has done this after everything he said and done Help :( where do I go from here
Hey guys md again with an update. So on my last post I said how me and my. Boyfriend had been split up for 8weekz and out of the blue he sent me a message telling me he missed me and wanted a fresh start and asked if we could meet up for drinks and a talk on the following Saturday well I went for the drinks and we chatted and basically what he said was that he missed me and couldn't get me out his head he said that when he split up with me and said he didn't have any feelings that he was lying and just trying to hurt me at the time he also said that he initially had no intention of breaking up he just wanted space to clear his head but when I came in that night and seen some of his stuff packed I lost it and that's why he said what he did and left, he also said that he thinks we had a good relationship never argued and had fun but he thinks this time will be better, he even went as far as saying to my son did u know me and ur mum are back together. So anyway from that Saturday everything was great and he stayed for the next 5 nights, during that time he was back to his old self very loving holding my hand and cuddling in, sounds great right? Well he left that Thursday and said he would contact me through the weekend, the weekend came and nothing I didn't message him either tho I wanted to inform left it as he said he would message me, eventually on the Monday he turned up out the blue and said that he sent me 3 texts on the Thursday night and I didn't reply sooner he thought I wasn't talking to him so he thought he would come over to see what was going on, I told him I didn't receive any texts and that I was thinking pretty much the same, we left it at that and had a good night, next day we just lay about cuddling and chatting in bed till late afternoon then I had to go out, he said he had some stuff to do aswell so we both left and when we got to my bus stop he said ok ill see u when I get back up the road, that was now 2 weeks ago and I have heard nothing from him I messaged him once last Thursday asking if he was going to tell me what was going on anytime soon he didn't reply. Now I just need to know what is going on, why come back to me after the breakup saying everything he said to me if he was just going to leave again, he is the one who initiated all contact during the breakup said he missed me and couldn't get me out his head and wanted a fresh start. I just don't understand, he said we needed to be honest with each other and I completely opened up to him like he asked, now I'm back to square one not having a clue what's happening and I can't belive he has done this after everything he said and done Help :(
@mihua.....He wants exactly what's going on right now. He likes hanging out and having sex but doesn't want to integrate you into his overall life. Possibly because he doesn't trust you or possibly because he doesn't have strong feelings for you anymore. If you have any sort of hope that the two of you will get back together we'd suggest to talk to him about it, or suggest couple's counseling. Good luck.
Hi, i hope you can help me on my situation.10 yrs ago i met the love of my life even im a single mom he still accept me, i was such an emotional brat and always wanted security in life, twice i cheated during our relationship and always i say Im sorry and i really love him. that we came to a point that we decide to have a child. We where okay until our son turned 2 yrs old. The demand of me working also to support my mom and siblings was taking its toll on me and i forgot to take care of my husband and 2 kids. I was such a bitch,my ego pride and selfishness was my only focused until he got tired and asked me to leave. Since I am so full of pride i accept it and way before that I was so depressed and i had sex with a guy that my husband knows but not really friends with. I told him about this guy he forgive me that day, but due to my hurt ego pride angry for making me leave the house,i still left him with the 2 kids beside me. my question now is we still see each other almost every week,spend time and make love with each other, sometimes go out like we are still a family but he never bring me along if he have a family affair events. I already change maybe he sees that, that is why hes talking to me again. one night i asked him if maybe we can try again. he told me that he dont love me anymore, he wants to be happy and he dont want to live with me anymore. I was devastated i am an addict to love and he was my fix,I try not to contact him but I cant still we see each other almost every weekend, make love or sex... I am confused what does he rally want?BTW both of us do not have any relationship with other people. Thanks in advance hope you can help me.
Hello guys. Im in a very complicated situation at the moment. My ex boyfriend & I dated for 7 1/2 months & we just recently broke up. Before our separation, we had some arguments here and there, but it was about silly things. We did everything together. Name it & we already done it. we was truly in love... well, When he broke up with me, he told me because he lost feelings for me. But the weird thing was, that night we he told me he misses me & loves me. That really started to make me think if he was lying about losing feelings for me or lying about missing me. However, we told each other that we should stay as good friends. He has already started hanging out with girls and adding all these girls on facebook. He seems happy as ever & soo ready to move on. And of course i have to act like everything will be okay. But, We. Still text each other 24/7.. he sometimes call me at night & we will talk for hours. And his friends are telling me he's just not ready for a relationship yet. But.. right after we broke up we told each other, we really thought we was the for each other. & I still very think he's the one. We did everything together. & when I think of my future, he's the only one I see in my future.. he's sending me mix signals.. its difficult. He's the only person I see spending my life with forever.. Now, he's planning to join either the army or marines. I don't know what I should do. Move on? Or wait until he's ready for a relationship? But what if he doesn't come back to me? Hello guys. Im in a very complicated situation at the moment. My ex boyfriend & I dated for 7 1/2 months & we just recently broke up. Before our separation, we had some arguments here and there, but it was about silly things. We did everything together. Name it & we already done it. When he broke up with me, he told me because he lost feelings for me. But the weird thing was, that night we he told me he misses me & loves me. That really started to make me think if he was lying about losing feelings for me or lying about missing me. However, we told each other that we should stay as good friends. He has already started hanging out with girls and adding all these girls on facebook. He seems happy as ever & soo ready to move on. And of course i have to act like everything will be okay. But, We. Still text each other 24/7.. he sometimes call me at night & we will talk for hours. And his friends are telling me he's just not ready for a relationship yet. But.. right after we broke up we told each other, we really thought we was the for each other. & I still very think he's the one. We did everything together. & when I think of my future, he's the only one I see in my future.. he's sending me mix signals.. its difficult. He's the only person I see spending my life with forever.. Now, he's planning to join either the army or marines. I don't know what I should do. Move on? Or wait until he's ready for a relationship? But what if he doesn't come back to me?
Surprisingly he called me today but did not tlak and hanged up. And now just received his text saying "Just wanted to say hi" I have a feeling he is trying to make contact??
@Jessica.......It's too soon. Be patient and see how it unfolds. Take care.
DO you think he has moved on or he is still in a confused condition. It has only been a week for our breakup so it is quite difficult for him I guess to come out of his confusion and I also know that a divorce can be very depressing.
@jessica.....Well, keep us posted. And good luck.
I replied to him that I do not think I can be his frien as I love him and would always will be looking for more. However I am concerned about his well being and would appreciate if he can let me know how things go with him from time to time. I received a reply from him saying that he fully understands given his current curcumstances. He needs closure on his marriage & once he has closed that chapter in his life and had some time to himself maybe we can be friends as He would hate to lose our friendship as he still have strong feelings for me. Only time will tell. I have not replied to this message as I think I have told him how I left and left it as that now.
@Jessica.....To us this sounds like a guy who's moved on and feels guilty about it. It does not sound like a guy who's thinking of you as a relationship possibility in the future. We're sorry.
I understand that ultimatum the decision is mine and will have to face the consequences. Today he replied to my text and this is what he said : Hi, i am sorry I put u through this, but u were right. I hope we can be friends, but I understand if u rather not. I wish u the very best and hope you find a happier place soon. Thank you for the happy memories. So again it gets me confused what is he implying?
@Jessica........He's confused. That's what you can make of it. Of course he still has feelings for you, but if he's truly trying to rekindle a relationship with his ex then it sounds like you don't want to be the second choice. Which you kind of already are. We can't advise you on what to do because you know the situation and the guy better than us. Meaning, if you truly think he is confused and then realizes his mistake, AND this doesn't bother you, then by all means give him another chance. But if this feels wrong to you, and that the reason he's doing this is because he actually doesn't know if he feels as strongly for you as he wants to feel, then that's another matter entirely. Ask yourself: Is he going back to her because he still loves her, or because he's unsure about you, or both? That's the question. Your call.
@lucrece.....Is this a new development? Did they used to hang out before? It all depends on if this is a recent development or not.
@Anonymous......Sorry, we missed your reply. So have you gotten together with him yet? The best approach is to see what he has to say for himself. And be yourself. That probably doesn't sound like much advice, but honestly, there's no exact way to handle this. No matter how you handle it, it's going to unfold as it's meant to. More information is better than less, so no matter what happens it probably will be good for you to go through it. Good luck and keep us posted.
Hi Text today to check if I am ok? what do I make of this?
He is aware that it is almost impossible to get his wife back as she has moved on but I believe his ego has been crushed and he has not fully closed that chapter. I really do love him but if he goes back to the wife which I really believe is not going to happen than I do not want to be the 2nd person. But if during this time out period he realises the mistake than yes., Please advice
should i be worried that my ex bf is hanging out with my hs best friend. they work together at the same office. but still..it weird me out that they are getting coffee before work together..i mean i still hang out with one of his college roommates so i guess im in no place to judge. but it kind of irritates me...from a guy's perspective, does this mean anything?
@Nana.....It means he's as confused as you and doesn't know what he wants. It's unlikely he wants this girl as anything other than someone to have right now, but that doesn't mean he wants you back either, although he certainly seems interested in some capacity. It's too soon to know what's going on, but one of you is going to need to take the risk and share your feelings, otherwise nothing is going to happen. We're not saying you should tell him how you feel, but both of you seem guarded. It's hard to move forward when feeling that way.
@Jessica.......We're sorry. But do you really want him back? If he goes back to his wife and she decides she doesn't want him, and then he comes crawling back to you, would you really take him back? We know you love him, but he's clearly choosing her over you, which means you're his second choice. Sorry, we're just being honest. We don't think you've done anything wrong. In fact, we have no idea why he's doing this—you sound great together— except that he has a history with her and he's clearly not over her. Thoughts? Questions? Ask away.
OK me and my ex have been broken up for 1 year and 4 months and we were together 4 1/2 years. The break up was mutual we knew it was just to much. Before the break up we talked about the future he stated he wanted to work on things and still spend our future together but we needed to break up realize so things. So I moved back to my home town. When we first I went on and started dating to soon got engaged to a pasted lover but ended it because I knew I wasn't ready. At first I did what most people do after a break up but I started reading and working on my to be emotional ready if I decided to be in a relationship in future I had to realize why our relationship didn't work. So I focuses on my and our daughter he started dating I knew she was a rebound because he still contacted me a lot and tried to find was to come back but I didn't let him. So I started dating after I know I was emotional ready to I don't contact him unless it had something to do with our daughter. But somehow he seems to turn the conversation on or past relationship we argue and I let him know once again the conversation should only be about our daughter. Two months ago we had a conversation he says he's in a relationship but he ask me to tell me that he needs to hear me say I completely moved on. Why would he want to know that if he's in a relationship. So today I contacted him letting him know that I will bring him the rest of his stuff and he said OK. Just two weeks ago he helped me without me asking him but its like since he didn't get the reaction he wanted from me for him helping me. He trust to make me jealous. and he just texted out of no where telling me about his personal life and I told him that's none of my business. So basically I just want to know is he pulling and pushing because he still has feelings? I love him but I don't think he's ready to try or should I even try again? Also he has kept the girl a secret when she went into his account on facebook she posted a picture of them and changed his relationship status because he still had he was single. Hes also on facebook updating his pictures but none of her and hechanged his relationship status back to single but left the picture up of them. Does that mean she's a rebound also? What does all this mean? Thanks Nana
Hi I just got dumped by my boyrfriend of whom I have been seeing for the past 2 years. He has been separated from his wife for 5 years now and finally submitted a divorce last december - none of this have been initiated or requested by me. He called me last Friday to say he needs to talk to me about his divorcee which somehow I got the feeling that he is now backing off from. So he came to my place and explained to me that his head has been messed up for the last 2 days about the divorce. And finally he said that he is thinking of trying to win his wife back again and he is unable to do so if he is seeing me as well. He said he does not know what actually he wants later. I was shocked as we have been really happy and together for two years. He has been to my place before but never stayed as we have always travelled somewhere but since before Christmas he slep over and since then have been staying over now. We spend the New Year together and parted ways on the 2nd and he came over to dump me on the 4th. I just do not understand what have I done wrong - which he has responded to saying nothing as it is him and not me as his head is messed up with the divorce. His ex is staying in with another man he came to know last October and he demanded to speak to that guy and interogate him. When he told me about it I asked him the direct question whether he has feelings for her which he replied no but was protective though as he is the mother his son (which by the way is 22 years old). He has on numerous occasion told me that he adores me and loves and would never leave me but alas this has happened. I really love him and am really hurt as to I do understand what to do to win him back or will I ever get him back. I have told him never to call me again as he said before leaving that he will come me sometime but I said sternly NO never to make that mistake - I was angry but I cannot get him out of my system because I relly do love him and it hurts much. What do you think is the chancess for him to return to me as I am not sure whther his ex wife would want him back or not.
@Lucrece......Do you know whether or not he's still with his girl? If he is, he's basically cheating on her with you. (Doesn't give us the greatest impression of him if he is.) We understand you're still emotionally connected to this guy, and we still get the sense he's interested in you as well. But to what extent is the question. Does he just want sex from you or is he looking to rekindle your past and try again? It's too soon to tell. What worries us is that you're going to continue to be in a holding pattern as you wait around to see. This guy has a lot of control over you. And has for some time. (Has it been two year or six years since you broke up? How old are you?) We'd hate for you to keep waiting for him while he's out searching for someone else. But we also understand about regret. And in order for you to move on we get the sense that you need to see this all the way through. Thoughts?
i meant 6 months of lingering before i end all communications
im just gonna post my question here. here we go. its been 2 years since he broke up with me when he moved away to college and met someone there. he left me out of the blue..though we had a lot of arguments (mostly over petty stuff). our sexual tension was always crazily good. took me 6 years of lingering before ending all kinds of communication with him. however, he continues to keep tabs on me in different forms: post cards, phone calls. we finally graduated last may. he went ahead and moved in with his gf up north to open up some shop business. which is closed now and so he moved back to our hometown. if im correct, the girl is not here with him. our rare communication started around dec since he moved back end of nov. it was on this iphone app. the convo ended with me leaving it because i fear getting emotionally attached and missing him. (over the course of time ive managed to contain myself though i still miss him daily) this started a string of random convo between us that doesn't really make sense. like he said, "how are you feeling?" i ignored and responded 5 days later with, "heard you been sick. wear more." new years eve, i was going to count down with my hs best friends but couldn't make it last minute. later i found out, my ex was also invited because my friend brought it up at work. and my ex works with my friend. he was there as dd. new years is my birthday. i was surprised to get txt from him. he wished me happy birthday which i ignored...he sent me more msg throughout that night which i ignored. because i fear they were merely drunk txt. he said he miss me and we should hang out. he even called but i didn't pick up because i was asleep. the next day i met up with my friends, who went out with my ex the night before. they told me he wasn't drunk at all.so i guess he did send me those text. that night he called me again. which i picked up. and this led to 4 hours of conversation. though i tried very hard to maintain calm and even cold at some point. he was sweet to me. keep trying to find out more things about me. i was getting worried that it might be a booty call because he keeps reminding me of our sexual past. we end up having phone sex through facetime. though i wasn't really active. more like walking down memory lane. he was passionate. he asked me to take off my clothes but i held on to my dignity and refused. i said, "im not your gf" i would consider this phone sex incident cheating...right?anyways. i wonder what this means about his current relationship? after that night, he went silent again. i sent him a picture the other day of something interesting and he never responded. i plan to give him more time. my feelings for him are still strong. and i cannot fight it. i tried moving on several times the past 2 years and it never worked. in fact, many times it back fires on me (such as emotional hunger strikes where i don't eat for days even though im well aware that its unhealthy). so i've learned to not fight myself. just let my emotions be. giving him time to think things through. maybe this time apart from his gf will make his mind clear. i wouldn't want to be in the middle of this. i want it to be clean and clear, if we were to ever get another shot at our relationship. i guess what im asking is, with what i wrote, do you think there's any chance for us? or what can i do, to win him back? is the fact that we are still sexually attracted to each other a good thing? how can i use that to my advantage? (without going down the route of FWB or booty call) i want to say that i don't have a chance anymore, but i don't want to live with lots of what ifs.
im not sure if your msg inbox are connected but i sent in a "question"..because initially i couldn't find this post that i posted on before and i know you guys respond fast (thanks!) just wondering if you can answer the question i sent in? same name same email. thanks!
@Emma......Why you just go and see. Maybe a fresh start means a fresh start? However, do not get into a 'hookup' situation. (We're worried that he has ulterior motives.) Keep us posted.
thanks - we live in the same city - too close to each other and I can see his building across the bay everyday. I have pretty much been dating him since I started living here so everything is a reminder and I still have really bad days and some okay days. The fact is that I am still in love with him and this is the toughest thing I have ever been through. If I do meet with him, I just don't know how to approach the meeting. Of course I will be an adult and handle it with dignity - but should I play it cool and just see how he is, spend a nice time together - or do I lay it on the line and see how he is and really try to talk through my feelings - since I never really had the opportunity. Or do I agree with him and tell him I am trying to understand why he had to do this - but that it has been really difficult but that I understand and leave on a hight note. You know there are so many people out there telling me to let him think I am okay and have gotten through it - to make him wonder and want me back. I just don't know what to do.
hey guys, hopefully u can remember my earlier posts, i said i would keep u updated and heres where we are now, i have had very limited contact with my ex since our breakup 8 weeks ago, maybe one text every 2 weeks that he always initiates askin to do things for me. i never replied. anyway last night he sent me a text saying "happy new year xxx" i eventually replied back "happy new year x" he then replied bak asking how i was and if i enjoyed the holidays, i didnt reply. 10mins later he sent a message saying I MISS U just like that in caps, i was gobsmacked and couldnt reply out of pure shock so again he text and said i was just wondering if u fancied going for a drink on saturday? a new year a fresh start. reply back please xxx. again i was shocked but i did reply and said ok saturday should be ok x. he then replied ok well i will text u after and thanks xxx. at this point im not too sure what he wants or what he means by a fresh start, im getting my hopes up that he wants us to start again, would u guys agree or is there a male hidden meaning here?? its saturday tomorrow and i would really like to be able to enjoy it rather than tryin to desipher his meaning.
@Anonymous......Nice to hear from you. It sounds like your holidays were nice, and you've come to a new understanding about this relationship. Or at least gained some new insights. However, we kind of agree with your counselor. Pride has nothing to do with this. Your self-esteem is intact, so even if your pride is hurt, you'll rebound. We think you need to get closure one way or another, and meeting with him is the best way to do that. If he says no, then you'll have your answer. If he says yes, then who knows. We do think it's likely you're going to hear the same message, but you never know. Whatever happens it sounds like this is what you need even if it's really hard. As far as the Facebook issue, why don't you wait until after you get together with him. What do you think? ps. Yes, the French aspect might have been important, but not necessarily. How close do the two of you live from each other?
So I am back from being at home for the holidays, feeling a little better after being with my family for 10 days - I got a lot of love and a change of scenery. Before I left, I saw my counselor twice and we talked a lot about how I feel. We talked about the fact that I may have turned the power of the relationship over to him as I started to become insecure and clingy as I felt him pulling back. We identified the fact that I also perhaps was perhaps angry that we were spending so much of our very limited free time with his father and his little stepsister because he felt that was where he needed to be- and that I may have let that become more of an issue than I should have if I wasn't being honest about it. Instead I let it be a part of why we were fighting more in the past couple of months. I think I was being selfish, but wanted to be with him, but also felt he really couldn't help me with that because he had to be there for them. The truth is, we are both pretty lucky and blessed in our lives, but also probably spoiled. But I also think that he could be somewhat overwhelmed or a little depressed (or unfulfilled as he says) - so he might not have realized that his feelings for me were also changing, and he just wasn't realizing it and all of this hit at once. It has now been almost 7 weeks since he told me he couldn't do this right now. But then he did text me on Christmas, which shocked me. He said he was wishing my family and I a wonderful Christmas, said he was spending the holidays with a big part of his family that he had not been able to do for 10 years (did I mention that he is French - hmmm - probably should have) and that he said "I hope that you are doing okay. And then - sending you hugs and kisses. I responded the next day, thanked him for his good wishes, told him I was happy he was with his family and Merry Christmas to them all as well. So that is it. My counselor told me that I am leaving everything in his power, and if I need closure to move on because I am so confused, that if I want, I should call him and ask him to meet with me to talk. BUT that I have to be prepared to hear the actual end from him this time- or even more of the same. But I also think I am holding some of my pride and a little of the power by not contacting him or bothering him and trying to move on. You know I still ultimately want to hope that someday we can at least try to find our way back to each other. My counselor is a woman, a relationship counselor too, but you are a guy - and I want you to give me your advice on how I should proceed. If it takes him telling me again that he is done to move on - maybe I should hear it. AT the same time, I do have my pride and I know that he did not choose to stay in the relationship. And I am learning that men have to have the chance to breathe, think about things, and come to their own decision on things. He also should want to fight for me if that eventually is what he wants - and know that I am worth fighting for - and if I am just waiting around and not moving on - I won't be worth fighting for. AND one last thing - neither of us have taken each other out of our relationship on Facebook. Isn't that ridiculous? We are barely ever on it - but all of our friends are. I felt like he would have done it since he broke up with me - and I just couldn't do it then- but now it has been so long it is ridiculous. Should I do this? I am not trying to make any statement and think I can do it very discreetly on my end - but it will end up all over his. And at the same time I just wish I had done it so long ago. Now it is pitiful. So what do I do about this too???? Should I just instead leave well enough alone, walk away and if its meant to be, it will be? Stay away, close the door and start 2013 anew?
@Lileth......Well, long-distance relationships aren't easy for these very reasons. It takes a lot of trust to make it work, plus consistent communication. You're already describing things that are pretty typical in long-distance relationships. (Wondering where the other person is. Why haven't they called. Who are they with. Do they still love me. Etc.) It's hard for us to comment on what's going on with him. You would know better than we would. However, remember the goal for any long-distance relationship is to be together in the same city. If that goal isn't there, it's not worth it. Do you think it is? The goal we mean?
Hello Guys~~ The fact that he changed his mind and wanted to try a long distance relationship with me is sure a good sign. We are communicating almost everyday by facebook. I write him like everyday, he writes me back constantly, only if he doesn't have any parties going on. Sometimes tho, I think I write so many details and he doesn't. I don't know his friends, he always tells me to not worry. I trust him. It's becoming difficult tho. Like for example today... He told me one day before he has a party on his university city. It'd be no problem for me, but he didn't contact me for one day, and I asked him, he told me it's a party of 2 days and he has no internet and that he will text me on fb when he gets home... I wonder, why didn't he tell me at first, why should i talk to him and ask him how he was so he would tell me? Can't he be a little more initiative? Is this a red sign that he is not trying his best?! I don't know what guys think... I don't want to sound suspicious or worried but... at least he could have told me it was a 2 day party... but he didn't... It contradicts days before when he called me drunk saying he misses me and that no girls there are like me, that he wants be. So, I know I have to be patient. But... I don't understand why he didn't tell me first so I wouldnt be so worried and a little bit paranoid. Any thoughts about this? I know I shouldnt even question his love for me, he is always telling me how perfect i am, he also tells all his friends that i'm perfect and that i'm worth waiting for. He told me I'm the best girl he ever met. Sometimes tho, little actions speaks louder... the fact that he didn't tell me without me asking him... for me... it doesnt make sense.... Thank you for the last reply!! I love your website, and I'm sharing it with all my girls~
@Hopeless Romantic......We know this is hard. We're sorry. But he's been pretty consistent with his message hasn't he? And he made an attempt to try again and he just didn't feel it. So yes, we think he's done. Either way you need to let him initiate. Contacting him is only going to push him further away. Question: So what did he do that made you question your trust in him? Fill us in a little and we'll offer some more opinions. Thanks. Any more questions? Ask away. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!
So I definitely need a guys perspective. I dated this guy for about 4 months. We were together EVERY single day and basically lived together. He was the one that always wanted to hang out, it honestly was quite surprising. I met his family after three weeks too. We started running into issues due to my insecurities, but we always talked them out and would move forward. He would say things like "don't ever leave me" and "I feel like God put you in my life for a reason," etc. There were a few things that he did that really questioned my trust for him, so I decided to snoop in his phone (I know, cardinal sin). Anyway, I confronted him about what I saw and ended the relationship. He was really angry about it and sent some pretty hurtful texts the next day. I responded wishing him the best and didn't respond after the next nasty text. A week went by and I realized that I was in love with him and I wanted him back. He told me he missed me too and wanted to work things out. We were both weird about communicating...like who will break and text the other one first, etc. We did hang out a couple times a week and talked every day. Then out of the blue he told me that "he was having a hard time getting back to where we were and that he didn't feel the same as when we were first together." I basically told him that if he was still unsure after a month, that he probably wants to move on. He said he just wasn't ready for a relationship and wanted to take it slow. So I told him okay. It seemed like it was over. I've tried contacting him since and have had no response. It's been almost 5 days. Is he really done?
@Elska.......We're sorry. We know this is really difficult for you. Let's address your guy's broken marriage first. You don't say how long he's been divorced or how long he's been married, but either way, the last thing a guy is looking for when coming out of a marriage is a committed relationship. (Up to ten years even. That's a rough estimate of course) Instead he's looking to make up for lost time by dating around, sleeping around, living on his own schedule, and basically being "selfish." (Fill us in on the details. How long, etc?) However, it also sounds like he's not quite sure how he feels about you. Yes, we don't doubt he cares for you deeply, but we get the sense he doesn't feel the way he wants to feel in order to commit. So the question is: Is this about his commitment issues, or is this about the way he feels about you? It's unlikely you're going to get the complete truth from him—unless you ask him directly—because he doesn't want to hurt you more than he's hurting you already. But based on what you've described, and how he's acting, that would be our take. What we don't think you should do is just accept anything you can get from this guy. (Friendship, or FWB) Why? Because that's not what you want. You want a committed relationship with him. Anything else will keep you in a holding pattern, all the while hoping he'll come around and realize that he wants to be with you. We're sorry. We wish we could be more uplifting but that's how we see this. So what do you think? Thoughts?ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!
We've been on and off for 3 years now. My guy comes with the baggage of a broken marriage (which was dealt with smoothly emotionally and in any other possible way too). However he has major commitment issues, so much so that he can simply deny loving me or the fact that we have always been more than friends. I no without doubt that he loves me but i guess his fear has convinced him otherwise. We've hardly ever fought and when we have he's made it up to me always. In short we were great together. But then one fine day he freaked out (probably after my friend's wedding, where he felt as if i was soon going to ask him of the same) and believe you me i would never have. i would rather be together than have walk away by asking for marriage. He freaked out, started to pull away. But he kept coming back, kept saying he would not lose me. I asked him he loved me and he would just stand still, wanting to say it but just couldn't. Eventually, I started to pull away too but he kept winning me back. Then finally he said we should give friendship a try and together get over this pain of not having each other around. I agreed to that too. But then his birthday came, his friend(who i was close too) threw my guy a surprise birthday party and both them didn't invite me. I asked my guy and he had no answer. They hung out with people they had met a month back at some festival. That day i pulled the plug and parted ways. I know he loves me, but will he come back to me? accept that he loves me? or move on cuz that may seem less complicated?
@Natalee.....Well, at least you got the conversation started and you now know where he stands. Just take it slow and see what happens. However, this is all well and good, but this stage in the relationship shouldn't last forever, if you know what we mean. Taking it slow still means moving forward. Enjoy.
Hey guys, got an update. I went over there today and we had a pretty good time. It was as if any other normal day together. We laughed, smiled, and goofed off. Towards the end when I had to leave, we stood there for quite some time. I said "soo.." And he replied, "soo, you're wanting to know what we are now?" I nodded yes in return. He smiles at me and we talked for a bit about our feelings then he decided that he wanted to take it slow and that he won't try and control the relationship. I feel really happy right now, yet afraid if he will change his mind. But I mean he shouldn't if he was for sure about it this time, right?
@Lileth....What choice do you have? You have to believe him for now don't you? We don't know him, so it's hard for us to say what's in his heart. (You would know better) But the fact that he wanted to try a long-distance relationship is a good sign. A guy wouldn't do that unless he was very serious about the woman. (Guys are less willing to try long-distance relationships if they're not very sure about the woman.) Questions: How often are you communicating? How are you communicating? That's the key here. You should be "talking" in some form or another almost every day. Or at least on a regular basis that you've both agreed on.......It's very possible he doesn't know his timeframe since he's an international student. We think you're going to need to sit tight on this one and be patient. (We know it's hard) Thoughts? Any more questions? Ask away. And please fill us in some more. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuz. And share on Facebook. Please help a fellow reader and take a moment to VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks.
Hi Guys, I need some advice. I met this wonderful guy while studying abroad in Canada 4 months ago. We hit it off and started dating. It was one of the most amazing moments in my life. Also in his. He told me I'm the best girl he ever had and that I'm perfect. He is suppose to stay in Canada for 1 year because of his working visa. But one day, in our 2nd month of dating, he told me he needed to go back home on december and he's not sure if he will come back to canada again. In the beginning, we kind of agreed to break up when he goes back. But things got really serious. We moved in together and lived together in our 3rd month dating. It was living in a dream. Then, one night, he told me that he didn't want to break up with me, that he wants to try long distance because he didn't want to lose me. I agreed since that was what i tried to make him see before (i think it's worth a try). Now... My question is, he doesn't know when he will be back. He told me to wait for him, that he will come back for me. However, it all depends if his dad gets him a job in January or not. And I don't know what to do. I trust him, I want to trust him. But I'm afraid to get hurt in the end (what if he doesn't come back....).. he also wrote me a letter saying that 'he truly hope he will be gone for just a short period of time. He believes we will do everything to see each other again soon'. I don't like the word 'soon', i have no timeline on when i will see him... What does it mean when a guy says that?! What should I do?
@Amber.........He's up to the same old, same old. Up, down, all around. The real question is: What are you up to? Obviously you're angry and disgusted with him. So why are you even spending any time with him? Sure, we know feelings don't just disappear, but if you're trying to move on, you're not helping yourself by seeing him. So we ask: What are you up to? What's going on? We're confused.
Update guys, so Tuesday evening I heard from Prince Charming himself, he was texting me to let me know to be careful driving down to Alabama and to wear my seatbelt, he doesn't know what he would do if something happened to me (probably sit home and play angry birds on your ipad that you took out of my house, you know same stuff you've been doing for the last 3 days... anywho) so i told him i wasn't going, a lot fo stuff has combusted within my family... its not even about my grandfathers passing and i'm not going down there to argue with everyone... we had an appointment to get our hair cut... i said i was still going... he said he would pick me up, i said ok... we drove the entire way down there... i didn't say a word... we drove the whole way back i didn't say a word... he pulled up in front of my house and i thanked him for driving... hopped out of the car came inside and shut the door... he sent me a text (because that is what all adults who are trying to work out serious problems within their relationship do... they text... like 13 year old girls sitting in their bedrooms listening to their Justin Bieber album right now) and he said: I just wanted to tell you that i thought you looked beautiful (making the j/o motion with my hand right now) tonight, i wanted to say something in the car but didn't know how to.. anyways, i am glad we went tonight and i just wanted to tell you that... i reponded with ... thank you, good night... and i haven't heard anything from him since tuesday... As men... what is he up to?
@Natalee....We don't think he'll change his mind before Saturday, but at the same time, we're curious to know what kind of changes he's talking about. If you're going to try again the two of you need to come up with a plan together. He shouldn't be dictating the terms, otherwise he'll hold all the power, which doesn't bode well for the future. (It sounds like he already does honestly) So you need to assert yourself. Don't just accept anything he says to be with him. Remember, he's the one that left in the first place, so it seems to us, that you should be the one dictating at least as much as him, if not more. Good luck and keep us posted.
I'm trying to hang in there. He had texted me yesterday asking how I was and the usual. He asked if I wanted to hang out Saturday and try to work it out, he said a lot will have to change. Instinctively, I said yes. Do you think he will whip around and change his mind before then? I really want to try and work it out. He wants to see how things go Saturday. I don't want to get hurt again if he decides that it didnt work.
@Amber......Thanks for filling us in. Even if he does come back the two of you have a lot of things to sort out. His lie is bad enough, but his reaction to being caught is a red-flag for us. He reversed things on you, and blamed you for his lie. Then when you told him you needed time to think about it, he flipped out and left. Now we understand that we're only hearing one side of the story, but even still, if this is his how he reacts when issues arise, this doesn't bode well for a long-term relationship. (Because relationships involve a lot of compromise. It takes a lot of energy and hard work to sustain them. If he's already got one foot out the door, what's going to happen when something really serious arises? How is he going to react then?) Amber, you need a partner whom you can trust, someone who's got your back. That's not what we're seeing here. In fact, he probably doesn't believe you have his back either. So will he come back? It's possible, but that doesn't mean all is well. Without serious work on both sides—possibly couple's counseling—you're going to fall back into familiar patterns. What do you think? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuz. And share on Facebook. Please help a fellow reader and take a moment to VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks.
He owns property and the house he is currently living in has an extra room, he told me he had an appointment with someone who was coming by to look at it. I asked him who it was and he said he didn't know that his realtor set it up for him. I said ".... um bullshit, no one is going to set up and appointment for you and say mystery guest will be arriving tomorrow at noon." we went back and forth and he finally copped to it. He said he didn't want to hear me complain about him living with another woman, and i told that he doesn't know how i would have reacted because he didn't give me the opportunity. He said it was a stupid lie and he doesn't know why he did it. He apologized for a while, i went to work, and i told him that i was going to meet my girlfriend for tea and that i didn't want to discuss what had happened right now, my grandfather has just died, and i am already processing alot of emotions. He got really upset accused me of being out with another man, just really lost it... i didn't respond to him, because i wasn't going to feed into that. So i came home when i was done, got in the bed, in the morning he got up, gathered his things and he left, taking a christmas gift i haven't even given him yet. My problem is that his lie turned into my fault, and his entire case is that I made him want to lie to me, and that we can make it work and fix things but I have to be willing to apologize for pushing him away and creating this situation. I agree, i have pushed and i have done things i shouldn't have HOWEVER, my ill actions dont constitute his, and that is what he is not accepting, we haven't spoken since Sunday. I am hoping he takes some time and realizes that we are both responsible for what we have done... i just don't know what the probability is of him coming back. I am not sure if he is REALLY done.
@Amber.....It would be nice to know what he lied about. Did you say? Let us know and we'll respond. Thanks.
Guys, here is my story, give me some male clarity would you? I started dating my current boyfriend in June. It has been really hard for me to relax, and settle into the relationship and just "LET GO". I have some abandonment issues, and know that. Over the weekend, I caught my boyfriend in a lie, he apologized but I wasn't ready to hear it. I told him I wasn't in a place to discuss this right now and deal with it, my grandfather had passes only days before, so emotionally... my goose is cooked at this point. I come home that evening, he is asleep in my bed, he got up in the morning took all of his things, and left and never once said one word to me. I realize that the ipad i bought him for Christmas but have not yet given to him was missing, and tickets he had bought me to the ballet were missing. I called him and asked him to return it, he responded telling me that if i wanted the ipad back i could write him a check for my birthday gift that he had given me in september. So i say, keep it, enjoy it, if thats what is important to you... no problem. As the day went on (this happened Sunday) we went back and forth a little bit. I finally said "Look i know i caused a lot of problems in this by my issues that I have, pushing you away, testing the relationship, wanting a contract written in blood saying you will never leave me etc... LOL I get it... I have been a royal pain in the ass, I am sorry, I apologize, and I have got to get it sorted out... However, I will carry the burden of my mistakes but I won't apologize because you lied to me... nope... this chick ain't that dumb.. I told him I had made mistakes that I will have to live with, but i would lay down and die before i would apologize to someone else for lying to me, and i would walk away altogether from someone who thinks that because they bought me a birthday present, that they are entitled to something from me... mmmm... no.. i told him i would not reply to any text messages at all" he texted his self blind until 2:00 a.m. basically everything is my fault, my constant testing is what pushed him away into lying, and i am delusional, and he needed to leave me for me to realize that i can't treat people the way i did him. Now, we love each other a lot, talked about marriage a lot, having kids a lot. The love is there, at this point i am wondering if my decision in this is right, my heart wants him to spend a couple of days realizing that although i did start a lot of arguments, this one isn't my fault. I am hoping he will come back and say he is sorry and we will work on our selves and have a great life togheter... i just know that i can't make someone fix themselves.. i can only fix me... am i right in this, should i have done something different here? help me out guys... give me some perspective.
@Natalee.....It's very hard to move on, especially when the person is your best friend. However, he's not being honest with you. He's giving you false hope by saying, "Maybe we'll be together in the future." (Sure that's always possible, but he's not thinking that way.) For whatever reason he's moving on. And we think he's trying to make it easier on you by saying "Love's not enough, and who knows about the future." But we find that hearing the truth is always best in the long run. We think you need to try your best to focus on yourself and all the plans you're making. Surround yourself with friends and family and do not contact him. Let us know if you have any other questions. Hang in there.
Thanks guys, I hope it will work out. As of right now..we are not talking. Everytime I bring up my feelings, he automatically responds with, "I'm sorry, but I can't." It's very difficult for me, being so attached to him this long. And not talk to him at all. He's my best friend, and it's just difficult to get used to things I'm having to do now in order to move on. Yet, I don't want to move on. He doesn't either but says he has to try to move on. He said love isn't enough anymore and that maybe we will be together in the future. What does that mean? I have huge plans for myself after I graduate this year, and he's wanting to go into the military. I just don't get that at all. I'm having so many mixed emotions and bottling up my feelings. I know it's not healthy, but I only talked to him. About everything.
@Natalee...We're sorry. We know how difficult breakups are. We're going to be straight with you. We're sure he's a nice guy, but he's changed his mind about a relationship with you. Saying he's got too much on his plate is just an excuse. (That's why he started dating this other girl.) So you might be wondering why he contacted you again to tell you he missed you?? He's lonely. And this is normal. When a person leaves a relationship they usually have a good reason. (Internally that is. Something wasn't right for him.) Even though they're sad, they have this sense that the world is full of new possibilities for them. But when reality strikes—like he's now alone—he starts to second guess his decision. This does not mean that he's changed his mind, it's just that he only is remembering what he wants to remember. Be careful here. This kind of situation happens all of the time. Person breaks ups. Then gets lonely. Contacts ex. They get back together. Then the person starts to question things again. Then another breakup. What that will do to you is keep you in a holding pattern where you can't move forward. We're not saying that people never get back together but it doesn't happen that often. Your thoughts? We are truly sorry. Hang in there and ask us as many follow-up questions as you'd like. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuz. And share on Facebook. Please help a fellow reader and take a moment to VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks.
Me and my boyfriend were dating for a year and a half, and I love him with all my heart. We broke up about a month ago because he had "too much on his plate." I was heart-broken and went along with it. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about him, I'm 17 and a senior in high school. He moved to a private school my senior year, could that be a source to our problem? I only got to see him as much I could because the distance was thirty minutes apart. We texted everyday to begin with but then, he said he couldn't handle it. He still loved me and missed me. I just don't get it. Then he tells me he's talking to someone else, and it led to them dating. He said he wanted to hang with his friends and live life to the fullest And not worry about a girlfriend. Yet, he gets a new girlfriend? I cried my eyes out over him, we had planned a future together after high school because we had been dating for so long and we were graduating soon. So then he texts me (he never liked talking on the phone) that he broke up with her because I was always on his mind. And that he missed me and loved me, yet can't be with me right now. I'm soo confused and my family is furious with him. Help please, I need some guy perspective.
@Anonymous.....No, same person, and basically same message, but granted, slightly different tone. We don't want to fill you with false hope, at the same time, people do come back together. But if it happens it's going to take some time. And what we worry about is you getting stuck in a holding pattern while you wait and hope for it to happen. So we're walking a tricky line here. We're sure you understand.......We're glad you're going to see a counselor tomorrow. Hopefully that will help. And as far as your letter......you sent it, now it's out of your hands. The ball is in his court. Hopefully after a bit of time, and maybe after the holidays he'll reach out to you. Why don't you wait and bit and see what happens. Hang in there and keep us posted. Come back anytime.
Thank you for your advice. I understand what you are saying to me for the most part. I have read so many of your posts and obviously they all differ based on circumstances. I am finally going to see a counselor tomorrow and am hoping that she will give me some insight as to how to handle my heartbreak on a daily basis as well as work on making changes in my life that will benefit me in the long run overall - whether we get back together - or with another new relationship. What confuses me most is how is it possible for someone who I truly believe loves me could just cut contact off this abruptly and not even acknowledge my letter. I promise you - this is so unlike him - even if he had nothing to say to me - I feel like he might not have gotten it - but maybe since he has no response - it is better to stay away for now. Assuming he got my letter - do I just stay away forever if he doesn't contact me? Would the time ever be appropriate down the road to just ask him for a coffee and see how he is doing? If I am unemotional and realize that this truly is for the best for now? You see for me - maybe not now as it is just too raw - but perhaps in a few months - because he was my best friend- we had so much fun together- would we ever be able to see each other to just check in - or is it best left to chance or him reaching out to me? I feel like I added to the stress he had rather than making him feel better - but I also realize that this might not yet be our time because we are so young and perhaps selfish- but that there still is hope. I am going to do everything I can to move on and do what I can to be a better, less selfish person because I know I have to for any relationship to work - but I know I will have hope in my heart for awhile. I fell like 2 different people responded to my posts - the first was much more hopeful, the second very firm and not as hopeful. Help me out here from the guys perspective. Thank you.
@Emma......This sounds like a good plan. Just make sure he's working on what he needs to work on too. It's a two-way street. Yes, maybe you did some things you want to do differently in the future, but be careful not to shoulder all of the "blame." If he's not being self-reflective as well, the relationship's not going to work. Good luck and keep us posted. Thanks for sharing our site with all of your friends.
thanks again guys, yeah i am going to talk to him, as i say i know he will be back at some point in the very near future (something in my gut telling me) but untill that point im going to work on gettin me to the point that i can explain this and eventually overcome it, its deffinetly something to fight for i think it the reason i cant seem to move forward cos im just not ment to, im ment to fix it. il deffinetly keep u guys posted and hopefully if anyone else reading this is going through the same thing and they know for sure their guy is the guy for them the first step from my point is to look back at all the relationship that has been had the good and bad and try and figure if there is something that is maybe just lacking from their point, it takes time to understand what went wrong and maybe it cant be fixed but for me taking the time to really think about it brought on my "epiphany" like a lightning bolt and i now feel i can have a great relationship that both he and i want, the old relationship is dead and im glad, its time for me to work on me and show him i can be the girl he needs. thanks again guys and as soon as i know anything il update. emma
@Emma.....And this is the drawback with this kind of communication. (You and us) We can only respond to the information given; we can't be mind-readers. Yes, this new information could definitely have something to do with his "coming and going." Can you talk to him? Or have you thought of writing him a hand-written letter and sending it to him? Saying what you just said to us now? Something to consider. If you truly think there's something special here you've got to fight for it. Keep us posted.
thanks so much guys for the advice, knowing how his mind is working just if its a general insight really is helping me, my heart is breaking with this guy and it really doesnt help that family members tell me things he said like we might get back together he just needs to sort his head out then he comes back after the breakup and we have a great couple of days where he says he really enjoyed himself and initiates another night but then i dont hear from him, the fact that his stuff is still hear is the thing that is really confusing me, he has had many chances to get it (its expensive electrical equiptment one of them being his hi-fi which he has stated is his pride and joy, also clothes and stuff) including the 2 nights he came up after the break up and he still has the set of keys for my house as well so he could have came up when he knows i wont be in but he hasnt even mentioned his stuff. i guess the fact that i havent heard a thing from him in 2w weeks should tell me its over for good but because of what iv said above i know deep in my gut he will be back which is making it so hard to move on. i understand where you guys are coming from in the fact that his actions are saying it all but this is all very knew, 2 weeks before we split he randomly gave me this amazing card and it said "emma, i think of u every day ur are always on my mind u are my world love u" and i think at this point i should mention to that during this time apart i ahve been able to look back at the relationship and basically what im thinking is that the breakup was due to me. now i know what ur going to say "dont blame urself it takes 2, or ur trying to make excuses so u feel better" belive me i have thought the same things but i have an issue with opening up to a person, at the begining i was very touchy feely with him and he loved that but then my insecurities would rear their ugly head and i would pulol back scared of rejection not by anything he had ever done it is an old issue i have with myself, so because of this i would never initiate anything intimate or say i love u first, a few times he would say stuff like emma all i need is for u to say u love me before we go to sleep at night and il be happy i would say "no problem" to him but then when i came to it it was as if the words wouldnt come (although i do love him with every fibre of me) i would say it to him in my head a thousand times a day but just couldnt let my guard down (stupid i know) he would also ask me to initiate intamacy and again i would close up and he would be the one in charge again, the big thing i had an issue with was my body image, it terrifies me the thought of him seeing me nude therefor the lights would allways be off or if it was day the covers would always be over us. i did try and explain the body image thing to him and he would say stuff like "ah well look at my budah belly and there is nothing wrong with u" or "ur a sexy woman" he even went as far as walking around in the nude doing daft dances to try and show that he didnt care about any of that (he has some serious body issues as well) but i still held up my wall. all this guy wants is to be loved i know this cos he has told me (he tell me things he has never told anyone)and the day we broke up i said to him " so is that why u havent so much as touched me in the last few days and he said or shouted thats the problem!" he later on that night of our breakup posted on facebook one of those life meaning quote things that said "all i want is someone who tells me they love me every night and proves it every day" so as u see i have been thinking about where our relationship went wrong and he had been giving me all the signs of what he needed but i never responed just closed up. we were always a very cuddly couple in bed he couldnt sleep if he wasnt cuddled up to me and i loved that, even the morning we broke up i woke up and we were all cuddled in but then i got out of bed and just walked out, no kiss or anything. i think that this was the final straw for him, he is a very sensitive guy and im thinking that me not showing him affection the way any normal girl would has made him think that i just donnt love him which i do, and as i say these issues are something i have always had with guys and when i think of it its probaly the reason i jhave llost guys in the past, if this is true then i dont want to loose him for the same reason, i have been looking online for self help to try and help myself with this and also am planning on speaking with a counsolor to try and get to the bottom of it, what i really need to do is talk to him and try and explain waht i have explained to u guys (and that hasnt been easy but i think its a step in the right direction) and show him that i am going to change this with him, cos i know he loves me and i feel now that i have realised these issues within myself i can work through them and show him i am the girl that loves him and prove it daily. well thanks again guys for listening (or reading) i have been able to reflect on the relationship thanks to the no contact over the last 2 weeks and now no what i have to work on, just a question tho, with my last post and this epiphany post (yep epiphany cos i think thats what iv had)do u think that with all this i have pushed him away? i know he will be back in my life at some point but is this reversable now that i know what i need to do. ps u guys are amazing, the advice u give is a lifesaver to some people, i have been reading this page for quite some time even before my breakup (just never thought id be using it) keep up the good work, its great to know there is someone to talk to that gives their time to listen and give an honest response. thanks again for reading, emma :)
@Emma........We're sorry. This is hard and confusing. But something to understand. Once a guy starts saying, "you deserve someone who treats you better, etc." what he's really saying is, he can't be that guy. Sure he has feelings for you, but they're not the feelings he wants to feel. That's about as best we can explain it. Here's how you know: Every time things start to ramp up—living together, moving his stuff in—he freaks out and pulls away. Then he comes back days later and says he misses you and acts like nothing happened. This is a cycle. Can you see it? Of course he misses you, but that still doesn't mean he wants to be with you the way you want to be with him. If you let this keep happening this could go on for a very long time. Back and forth. He's confused, but we don't think he's going to ultimately commit to you. Usually when this kind of stuff starts happening, it eventually fizzles for three reasons: 1. Person finally gets strong enough to move on. 2. Other person gets sick of the back and forth and moves on. 3. A new person enters the picture. What do you think? ps. We do hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. Share on Facebook or other social networking sites. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!
ok guys i need help, good honest advice cos im loosing it. ok so me and my ex have been together 15months (known each other 15years) we have always been close and always had a spark through the years we have known one another so we decided to give it a go see what happens. it was amazing, it took m e by surprise how much i felt for him and how much he felt for me, we would sit talking all night about everything an anything and he would always say that being with me me him smile and for once happy and i felt exactly the same, we had so much in common it actually freaked us out a little, we liked the same music same films we went to the same high school had the same sort of upbringing and both of us lost a parent within 4 months of each other. we were always very open with each other and he was a very sensitive guy with a heart of gold he would do anything for anyone. anyway as i say things were great it got to the point where he was at my house 5 nights a week an it was never boring. so just after our first anaversay we ecided to go to one of my friends houses for a few drinks and a laugh, this is where things got ugly, we ended up having a massive argument about stuff that i wasnt happy about or jealous about tho i cant really remember as i was really drunk, that night ended with him walking out my friends coming to my house packing up all his stuff and leaving, i phoned and text begging him to come back that night and after a few hours he sent a text back saying "going away for a while nee to sort my head out" so from that point i didnt contact him at all, but he kept his way of contact by poking me on facebook every couple of days. after 6 days of no contact he came up and explained that what i had said to him the night of the argument really hurt him and he ha to figure it out in his head, i asked what i had done but he refused to tell me he said that he would tell me eventually but it still hurt him to talk about it. so that night we got back together and again everything was great, he practacly moved in at that point basically being here 7 nights a week rather than just the 5. he was gradually bringing more and more of his stuff over to mine and he would talk about us moving in together and maybe to a different area i agreed so we made it official and i went to his place with him so he could pack up his most important stuff and bring it to my house. he still had his own house but said that as soon as he gets rid of what he doesnt want he was handing in the keys to the lanlord. again everything was great he was the perfect boyfriend,and told me that this is it i was never getting rid of him now. then something went wrong, he started to go distant with me an i could feel in my gut something was wrong but when i asked him he would just say that he ha stuff going on in his head but couldnt explain it. sometimes it felt like he was trying to start an argument and we were a couple that never had arguments just little disagreemets that would be sorted within hours. then one day 3 weeks aqo i left him asleep and got up an ready for an appointment i had he woke up just as i was leaving an asked where i was going and i told him, he said see u later and i left, i was away for about 4 hours and when i came back he wasnt in, i went into the bedroom to put my coat away an noticed that all his clothes bar some had gone along with a bag with all his paperwork, about 2 mins later he cazme in and looke really mad but never said anything, he sat on the edge of the bed and aske how my appointment had gone, told him fine then asked him what was up, he said he had stuff in his head. not once did he look at me so i asked if it was something i had done and he just scoffed at me so i said "ok it is something iv done" he said "no" then i said "is this why ur clothes are gone and he said yeah so i asked again what was going on was he just going to walk out on me and not let me know and he said "oh u would have known" i sked him to tell me what was going on again and he said he couldnt tell me without sounding corny" i asked him just to tell me and he said " i dont have any feeliongs anymore i dont feel attached, at this point my world came crashing down i couldnt speak, i eventually asked if there was someone else and he said no, said he soesnt know whats going on but he needs to be on his own to figure things out and that i dese3ve someone who treats me right. at that point he said well i will just get out of ur hair tonight and started packing all his stuff, rest of his clothes computer photos tools, and never said anything the whole time he waws doing it, i asked if we could sort it out and he said "theres no point" then he took his stuff cam and said il pick up the rest tomoorow (stereo, bike, toilettries and other bits and pieces) and il give u ur keys back. then he walked out the door. i didnt contact him at all and he didnt contact me till the following thursday 9 days after he walked out he sent me a text out of the blue and asked how i was, i left it about an hour and replied back " im good thanks u? he replied straight away and said im getting there, so are we alright for conversation? i asked what he ment and he came back and said are we ok to talk, i said im open for converstion but i cant do the friend thing i need time, about an hour later he sent a message saying is it ok to come to urs for a few drinks and conversation so i agreed and 30mins later he was here. he came in with a smile on his face and to be honest it wasnt awkward at all he was acting like nothing had happened and was his usual funny flirty self, we never spoke at all about the breakup or us or even why he was here we just talked about what we had been upto in our daily life, we ended up talking all night 14 hours or so then when he seen i wasw getting tired he said to me go to bed and il lock up on my way out so i did and he came into the bedroom and sat on the end of the bed and said il sit and talk till my taxi gets here, it was as tho he didnt want to leave but eventually the taxi came, he said goodbye and left, i fell asleep and finally woke up a few hours later i wsw really happy at this point and was full of hope we were going to be together again. i text him as soon as i woke up and just said thanks for last night i really enjoyed myself. he text back straight away and said he really enjoyed himself, he had just woken up tho but it was worth it then he said do u fancy some company again tonight so i agreed again and again he came and again he flirted and we talked and talked but again not about us or the breakup, we chcatted all night again and when it was time for him to go again it didnt seem like he wanted to but he did, as he was leaving he said il text u later and thanks again for last night. that was nearly 2 weeks ago and i havent heard a thing from him since, i didnt bother texting him the day he left as he said he would text me but nothing so its now about 11 days since then and i havent contacted him at all, his stuff is still here that he said he was going to pick up the day after we split up and he still has my keys, i could have sworn we were getting back together after that contact we had but i dont understand why he would breakup with me out of the blue like that then come back 9 days later only to disapear again, did i do something was i imagining it?? was he maybe wanting me to bring up the breakup, or worst case senario was he attempting to get back together but i was too casual so he thought i wasnt intrested anymore?? i dont belive for a second he has no feelings for me or maybe im just in denial. from what iv said here and i know its a lot and thank u so much for reading it do u think there is a chance we can fix things or is it over for good, its been nearly 3 weeks since he origanally walked out and nearly 2 weeks since he came back and dissapeared....wot do i do...please help!!!
@Anonymous.......He is saying two different things. Sort of. He feels that for now he must move on. But his heart is still reacting to this declaration and that's why he says, "in order to preserve this relationship, we need a breather....." The irony is, without a clear cut break the two of you have no chance of getting back together. Yes, confusing, but true. Both of you need to view this as permanent. Because if you do come back together down the road it needs to be as two different people, people who have grown, have learned about themselves, maybe explored other relationships, and are now ready for this type of commitment, and frankly, the work required to sustain a long-term relationship. It takes a ton of energy to be in a serious relationship and people need to "choose it" everyday. That's why you see so many breakups and divorces. Someone stops "choosing it." As per right now. He's doing what he needs to do. You need to do the same. We still highly encourage you to find a professional you are comfortable with to talk about things. There's no shame in that. Many, many people find that sort of conversation highly beneficial. There are no guarantees of anything, but for right now, the ball is in his court. You need to focus on yourself. We're truly sorry. We truly know how hard this is for you. Take care of yourself. And please, ask as many questions as you'd like. And thanks for sharing our site.
Anonymous - In the letter he wrote to me, he spoke in the beginning of the letter and at the end as if he were done and leaving forever - ie - "there is so much more I feel I need to say while we are going through this very difficult goodbye" - sounds permanent..... then he says that in order to preserve this relationship, he believes we need to take a breather and meditate on things for a little while - sounds hopeful, "it is for the best I am convinced", tat we have been dwelling too much on the negative lately, then goes on to say how I am the most perfect girl in every way, etc, etc, he has never stopped loving me or caring for me, and then his ending to the letter again makes it sound so final - he says that while I have always told him I have things I need to work on, they are minute in the scope of how wonderful, caring, etc I am - and that he will remember all of our amazing times - he will never let his heart forget - and then the parts about he will hold me in his heart forever, he will always love me and I will always be his baby - and when he is happy it will be because of me, etc sounds scary and final again. I am so confused by what he is saying here to me. I am sure he was writing with a lot of emotion - but his letter both seems to say goodbye and offer hope at the same time. Am I just reading too much into it - either way? Is he confused, offering possible hope or leaving me for good? I know he is so overwhelmed and I guess my letter to him may have added to it - but we have never gone more than one week without talking - even then he checked in on me - I just stayed away. He did not even wish me a Happy Thanksgiving - and that is so unlike him as he knows I was alone without my family and was supposed to spend it with him. It was 2 days after I left my letter. I am miserable, but truly working on everything I know I have to, just wondering your read on what he has written?? I am really, really having a tough time with this. Perhaps he should not have even left me the letter, then I could be angry and move on. This is brutal. What should I think? Thank you so much.
@Emily.....Be patient. It will happen for you. Please come back anytime and visit. Or ask a question. Take care of yourself.
@Anonymous........We're truly sorry. We hope that the two of you can figure out how to make this work at some point. But right now he needs time to focus on himself and his family. He needs space to clear his head, and time to realize how important you are to his life. He's lost sight of that, and he's aware of it. (He seems like a pretty self-aware and intuitive guy in general.) He knows he doesn't appreciate you the way he used to, and he doesn't like feeling that way. (And he's hoping he'll get it back, unless of course this is an excuse, and that he really doesn't love you anymore. We don't think that's the case, but only time will tell. ) So how did this happen? (Rhetorical) Is this a change in him, or a reaction to some of your behaviors—neediness, demands? (Like you said) If it's a reaction to your behaviors then we think the two of you can work through this. (After a bit of time) If this is a fundamental change in him, we're not so sure. So what should you do? First of all, don't fret over the fact that he hasn't gotten back to you yet. He received your letter and is processing it. But he's also focusing on his family and himself, just like he needs to. What you don't want to do is make him feel like you're burdening him, by trying to contact him to get answers. He knows where to find you and he knows how you feel. And if this relationship has any chance at all, he'll have to be the one to reach out to you. If he does, that will mean he's choosing to come back and try again, not getting back together out of guilt or sadness. (Never a good idea) We do agree that the two of you are young. What we mean is, there's still time to work through this. He's got a lot of growing up to do, and so do you. He also carries around the baggage of his parents divorce, and that worries him. (People who are self-reflective often over think life. Or at least think too much, and dissect every issue.) He needs to realize that he is in charge of his own destiny, and that just because his father made that choice doesn't mean he has to. These are things you learn with experience. It would be nice if the two of you could grow and evolve together, but clearly, he doesn't see think so. Our suggestion for you: Take this time to work on yourself. Understand what drives your impulses. Figure out who you want to be in a relationship. (You don't want to be needy) Of course to be fair, all people are clingy and needy, when they feel something slipping away. It's human nature. But clearly something wasn't working for him. What you don't want to do is get another chance to make this work and then fall into the same familiar patterns. Have you thought about talking about some of your feelings with a counselor/therapist? Just a thought. He might want to think about that as well. So what do you think? Does this make sense? Do you have more questions? Ask away. ps. Please share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
Hello Guys - I have been in a relationship for about 2 years with a wonderful guy. He has been so kind and sweet to me always. He told me he fell in love with me because I was different than all the other girls. He felt I was strong, independent, fun, etc. Over the course of the 2 years, some of my immaturity and selfishness has reared its ugly head when we have had separations because of our different careers. We had one break up this past spring because he just did not feel happy with himself, he thought we are too young ( he 23 me 21), he wanted to do things that he was afraid he wouldn't do if he didn't do them now (he feels his father might never have divorced his mother if he had lived more before getting married) - he was very straightforward, no games, and honest - but waffled back and forth many times before he ultimately said he wanted to break up even if he realized later it was the biggest mistake). I was very sad. We had also fought quite a bit for a couple of months - generally my fault because of stupid things - him being late, too chill, not making plans until too late,etc - but maybe also because I felt some of his unrest. After a few weeks of no contact from me, he came back and after being so sad without me. We got back together and had a wonderful couple of months until he had to go to a training program for 6 weeks. I was tough on him and needy and definitely so much more demanding of his time than I should have been. All the while he tried to reassure me and make time for calls to me in the evening- but I guess I just did not trust in us enough to let him enjoy the experience without talking to me every day. Since he has been back, we have really tried to be good to each other and for the most part were, but his job is really demanding which I totally understand, he is worried about a situation in his family that he worries about everyday, and then he also worries about making me happy. We have had a few bumps, I am still needy and sometimes insecure - but things have been okay - except that maybe we were spending too much time together- and it was keeping him from having any of his own time. I definitely just wanted to be with him as often as possible because we have so much fun and truly are best friends. I know he would tell you this too. But now I feel like I could have been suffocating him - only worrying about being with him when he had other things he might have liked to do too. He just always did what I wanted - probably not to rock the boat. So several weeks ago, the situation with his family really upset him more than usual - he worries a lot about his dad and a business venture, and he got very emotional. I saw him really pull back into himself and he seemed so depressed. I tried to be there - but he has a hard time letting anyone in on this kind of stuff - and I understood. A week or so later, I got upset with him for changing plans that we had - and he told me we needed a break for a couple of days. We had the break but never really talked. Then the next couple of weeks were pretty good, but he also still seemed sad and worried - and he works really hard. Two weeks ago, we were going out to dinner and a movie. When we were on our way to dinner , I asked him why he hasn't told me he loved me in a while - (he usually says it all the time). He seemed annoyed, but then later he told me that he loves me more than I know - and we had a really nice night from that point on. At the end of the night, sitting in the car deciding where to stay, he had hardly spoken at all after the movie, he told me he cannot do this right now. He cannot do the relationship thing right now - there is just too much stress, he's not happy with a lot of things with himself, he's worried about his family, and we haven't been in the most positive place, etc etc. Three days later, I got a call from the front desk of my building saying I had a letter there from him. It was the most beautiful letter - telling me that he has so much more to say than the words he said to me that night. He feels that we are too young to be in a relationship that is only at half of its potential, that he wants to preserve it so he thinks we should take a breather and meditate on things for a little while. He also says he is dealing with this family issue that he thinks about all of the time, and that everything he does he likes to do at 100% - and that he has always had something inside of him that he says has nothing to do with us - but that he is always pretty satisfied but never truly fulfilled and until he figures that out, he is not sure he can make me as happy as I deserve to be. So for now he wants me to know that he always loves me, has never stopped caring and will always carry that in his heart and that I will always be his baby and when he is happy he will always think of me. So I wrote him a very long response back a week later - apologizing for the things that I feel responsible for in the breakdown of our relationship, how much I love him, but also that he cannot just walk away and put potential happiness together on a shelf until things are perfect. That he has only trusted me with part of his heart and he holds so much in and tries to take care of everyone but does not allow me to be a part of helping him or supporting him - making for a one-sided relationship. I told him I want to fight for us - but that I know he also needs this time, but that I will be there when he is ready to talk further. That was 2 weeks ago - and I have not heard from him, even to acknowledge that he has received my letter. I am so sad and do not know what to do or where his head might be. Please give me any insight you might have. Thank you.
i am truely happy for him and his new girlfriend, normally at this point i would be a bitch and say something to her, but i wont do that to him. im not over him, yet. but i cant wait around for ever i want to be happy too. and at this point im not. i just wish i could find someone that makes me happy!
@What should I do?......Breaking up is sad, even if you think it's the right thing to do. So he's depressed, he's lonely, he's sad. But that doesn't mean he wants to get back together. And sadness shouldn't be a reason to try again. (Many couples do.) You've reached out to him three times with nothing much to show for it. Give him some space. If he doesn't contact you in the next few weeks, we suggest you try to move on yourself. We know it's hard. Hang in there.
So I decided to reach out to him yesterday, after my friend was telling me he had depressing status' on Facebook. He seems so angry towards me and I don't understand why? He wanted this break up. I go to ask him if we can talk in person. He says he told me what's going and he doesn't see a point in seeing me. I told him I didn't want to give up on him, and he says that I need to, and he's trying to move on. I then ask him if he really thinks there is no hope we can work on it, to try to get back where we used to be? He said 'Idk..'. I told him I know we can and he hasn't texted me back since. What does that mean? i want to keep fighting but not if I'm the only one. This is the third time I've tried reaching out. Why is he so depressed online, but acting like he hates me when I try to talk to him? Should I just give up? :x
@Emily.......So the question will be: What happens when he breaks up with her and then comes crawling back to you? Will you take him back or are you truly over him? That will be your true test. Be strong. And definitely keep us posted. And thanks for sharing our site. Take care of yourself.
This was the final straw..he has a new grlfriend already. I guess he didnt love me as much as he said he did or he wouldnt of moved on the fast, but our main probably was towards the end i dont feel i wanted the relationship as much as he did and to be honest i dont think i ever want that relationship again. nit after everything that happened its not worth hurting over. so with that said i gave up on him i mean we've been brokn up for a month now. well kinda we broke up for a week got back together, which would be the point when he used me, and then he broke up with me once again... and im just tired of hurting so i've been talking to someone else that i've known since 7th grade and so i know he is a very good guy! im happy that my ex is happy but honestly him and his new girlfriend wont last because he wont put up with her shit.
@Emily......Thanks for clarifying. We wish we could give you the answers you seek, but it's too early in the break up to know how this will play out. Since you've already broken up a bunch and gotten back together, it's possible the same thing could happen again. Something to think about: If you've been together a year and you've already broken up and gotten back together multiple times, that is something for you to consider. Something isn't working between the two of you. Either the way you communicate, what you want from a relationship, something. This may have been the final straw for him, but you're just going to have to be patient and see what happens. We're sorry. Once you have some more information, come back and ask another question. Until then, hang in there.
We are both 17 we were together for a year. My friends which are his cousins told him I cheated on him, which I didn't. We've broken up a lot before, but we've always gotten back together. The thing that bugs me the most is I know feelings don't just go away for as much as he said he loved me there is no way they went away. Also he asked for his stuff back before when we broke up and he didn't this time? I'm just confused on the whole situation. Today should actually be our one year. Do you think he remembers and that he is thinking about me? I just have so many un-answered questions!
@Emily.....We're sorry. Breakups are very hard. Understand that this seems sudden to you, but he's probably been thinking about this for a while now. He's probably been talking about it with friends, and processing with family. Once he decided, he broke up with you. As far as coming back, that's hard to say. Can you give us some more details? How old are both of you? How long did you date? How many times before did he break up with you? Have you also broken up with him? Let us know and we'll get back to you. Thanks. ps. Please share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. Also, help a fellow reader and VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Only takes a moment.
My boyfriend of a year broke up with me. He told everyone including my mother how in love he was with me when we were together. Now he is telling everyone he has no feelings for me and he is moving on? He got back with me all the times before when we broke up. He also asked for all his stuff back before when we broke up and this time he didn't? He won't even talk to me. He was my first EVERYTHING. I don't know what to do. He told my cousin it is hard to get over me, but no this? I really don't know what to do. Please help me and give me advice on my un-answered questions.
@What should I do......We are truly sorry. Honestly, there's not much you can do at this point. Here's the thing about breakups, and your breakup: This may have felt like a surprise to you, but we can guarantee he's been mulling it over for a long time. Finally the dam broke and he had enough courage to do it. Now that's it done, he feels relieved and that's why he's not contacting you. You on the other hand, are left to deal with the sudden loss. Yes, it's not fair, but it's often how breakups play out. Sit tight. Let yourself grieve. If he doesn't reach out to you in another week or so, reach out to him. You won't feel able to move on unless you see this through to its conclusion. How does this sound?
He's always been a nice guy. He was my first everything. I feel like blaming myself for it all - maybe I was too much. But I know it takes two people. & after being with someone that long, I never thought he'd give up that easily. He said he didn't know if he loved me the way I loved him, and he didn't know if he saw a future with me anymore. It's crazy though, because he always told me he loved me too, and let me talk about rings and kids names. Was he holding it inside for too long and just got fed up? I want to contact him, but I also don't want to seem clingy and/or set myself up for disappointment. I don't even know what to say? & Yes, he did this in text. Last time I talked to him (almost two weeks ago) and told him how I felt, he said he feel's like crap about how he did it, and that he was sorry. I feel like it isn't enough though. I wouldn't do that to him. I also don't understand how he's taking this so easily. I always view it as 'a month ago he told me he loved me'. He's my best friend and other half. It's very hard for me, but I don't want to beg him to be with me either. I really don't know what I should do.
@What should I do?....We're sorry. We know this is hard for you. But did he really break up with you via text? After three years? To us, that shows how much he cares about the relationship. It also gives a little insight into his character, and what he believes his responsibility is in a relationship. Yes, you fight. (All couples do) And maybe you fight more than you should. But the fact that he broke up with you via text, doesn't want to go to counseling, hasn't tried to contact you, had sex with you on the day of the breakup, tell us that he may be moving on, and that maybe he's not the guy you thought he was. We're really sorry. You may not want to give up, but if he has, it won't matter much what you do. That said, give him another week or so and then reach out to him. We don't expect much, but we agree, three years is a long time, and you won't feel right unless you see this to its conclusion. (Whatever that looks like.) Thoughts? Do you have follow-up questions? Ask away. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks!
I really don't know what to do. My boyfriend and I were together for three years, and we've had our ups and downs. We have taken breaks in the past but have gotten through it. He decided for us to take a break in early November unexpectedly. He said he was tired of the arguements and didn't want to be in the situation anymore, but if it's meant to be it will? I wanted to talk about it, go to counseling even and he said No. I feel like he meant no harm, but let me tell you - he broke up with me through text! Three years in text. I thought everything was okay because we had sex that day, then we got into a little arguement (I don't remember over what), and he takes me home and texts it all to me. I do admit we argue a lot lately, because of his friend that I didn't like and how much I worried, and how I expressed myself in such an angry way. A lot of it is over dumb things. I know I need to change but it won't happen in a short period of time. I haven't talked to him, because I want to give him space. I feel as if he doesn't miss me though, he hasn't tried texting me or calling me. I want him back more than anything in this world, but I feel like it just won't happen. I don't want to give up three years this easily, I know he's the one. What should I do?
@Sophie...We're sorry this is so difficult. It sounds like quite a roller coaster. Let's start with the new girlfriend......She's not your problem. Whether she's a rebound, a long-term, it doesn't matter. It's very likely he won't end up with her, but that doesn't mean he wants to end up with you either. (Even if he says it.) Obviously he still cares deeply for you, and of course he doesn't want to lose you. But he's also being manipulative by constantly coming back into your life and telling you how much he loves you. He's had many opportunities to be with you and each time he's chosen a different path. This is who he is. He's keeping you in a holding pattern. It could be subconscious, but that's what he's doing. And you're allowing it to happen. We hate to say it, but we agree with your friends, and his family. He's young and immature. He doesn't know what he wants, but he does know that something inside of him is telling him he doesn't want to be with you the way you want to be with him. He wishes he felt differently and that's why he says he knows he's making a mistake, but yet, he doesn't feel that way towards you. So our best advice is to try and move on as best you can. Stop letting him back in your life. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and respects you the way you love and respect them. Not some guy who isn't quite sure how he feels. You might want him now, but trust us, over time, you'll just be resentful of him. Does this make sense? Thoughts? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Spread the word on Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Please take a moment to help a fellow reader. VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks.
Hi 'One Of The Guys'. Im in absolute heartbreak mode at the moment and need some advice. My ex (Dave) and i got together in 2005 n were together for over 5 years. We were young (16) when we got together but we managed through exams and myself moving to and different city for college. Dave was always attentive. He would call every day, telling me he loves me n would always drive to see me whenever he was free. He would tell me he can’t wait for us to get married and wanted children. When i finished college i moved back home and moved in with him and his family. I worked full time doing shifts and he worked part time. We planned on moving in together and signed the lease on a flat after being in a relationship for 5 years. We moved in and everything was going well, for about a month! He suddenly stopped talking to me n was going out with friends all the time when i was home. So obviously we split up. He ended it, but was telling me he knows he’s making a huge mistake and even if it takes him years, he will find me and won’t let anything get in his way of getting me back. I moved out. It killed me to be apart and have no contact, but i managed it, and started to get used to mot talking. He then text me one day asking me out for lunch. We had a lovely meal n chatted like old times, he complimented on how 'hot' I was and even asked me stuff about having babies! From then on we’ve had a very 'on and off' relationship, where i was 'waiting for him to realise what he wants'. I’ve always been the constant with communication. He went through a very tough time 4 months after we split, having lost his job, and personally i think he was very depressed. I ignored all hard feeling and acted like his best friend and was there for him no matter what. A few weeks later for Christmas he brought me a 'to the one i love' card with how next year was looking up ;). We continued 'dating' talking most days and spending time with each other/staying at each other’s houses. 3 months later he went cold. Was rude when i contacted him and made me very upset. I then went through a tough time personally and i told him i needed a friend. We met up and chatted n suddenly was meeting up again. He went on holiday n was sending me messages saying he 'missed not being there ;)' n that he found a $300 necklace he wanted to get me but couldn’t afford it, n apologised n said it wasn’t coz i wasn’t worth it! A few months later (a year after the break-up) i needed to move to the next town (30 mins away) for work and personal reasons. When i consulted him he made it clear he wasn’t happy, however i had no choice, I had nowhere to live, n i had to move. I did say I would stay if he could rent a place together, be he didn’t take it. After he got over the shock (about a week after) he rang n said he wanted to see my new place. He came over n told me he loved me. I went on holiday (in the same country) and he joined us for 2 days, really made an effort. He told me he missed me and really loved me ect. While i was on holiday his grandma became seriously ill. When i got home i wanted to travel to him whenever he wanted but he said no. He would turn up at mine 4 nights a week, without warning, n stay the night. He has always refused to talk about feelings, so would just want to have a laugh and a cuddle ect. Ever since i moved in with his family he had spent a lot of time with friends/activities and i wouldn’t see him regularly and i assumed this was because of our shifts n it would change. When i moved and after his grandma was ill he had made a new circle of friends, one being female and spent more time with her than ever with me. I told him how i felt and he dispelled my fears, telling me not to worry, he loves me. Over the next month he became angry at traveling, but wouldn’t let me travel to him. The last night i saw him he was texting a different girl. His phone shows it on the display n i saw it as he received it. I talked about her favourite sleeping position with a ;). I asked him n he told me not to be stupid, she was a friend n had a bf. The next morning he overslept his alarm for work n was running late. He stormed out of the flat shouting 'i can’t do this'. The next week he told me he needed space. Which i gave him. Id text him or ring every once or twice a week but he was always cold. I had a horrible situation at work n told him about it and he listened, but wasn’t really helpful, even though i still asked and talked regularly about his grandma. One night i went out with my best friend n he rang me to tell me something silly. He then text me saying its good to see you letting your hair down, followed by, so who's the other person in the taxi with you? Implying i had someone else. When i asked him about he shook it of as being drunk. After a month of having not seen him and sporadic contact, i found out with Facebook that he’s got a new girlfriend, the one he text about sleeping position. Id asked him many times before, was there someone else n he never answered. I know he never lied to me, n we weren’t officially together, but it feels like I’ve been cheated as he encouraged me to ‘wait for him’. He says he didn’t want to hurt me, that’s why he didn’t tell me, but he’s more upset over the fact I’ve told him i can’t be friends. He says he doesn’t want to lose me from his life and will always love me and have feelings for me (which he’s apparently told his new girl!). He also told me that he’s with her because I’m not there, n that i moved away at a time when he needed me and had little spare time! Alternate conversations with him go like this: i still love you and always will, i don’t know if the grass will be greener on the other side but i know i can’t make you wait and longer, then flip attitudes to 'I’m with her now'. I told him i couldn’t be friends n wish him all the best. He then text saying how this couldn’t have ended any worse ect, so i asked him if he wanted me to move on like he had, to which he said, part of me does, part of me doesn’t. He then text me drunk saying he’s sad and listening to love songs. The whole 'break up and texts after' have happened over 4 days. It feels like every time I’ve said something n he thinks he’s going to lose me forever he gets upset/i still have feelings for you. But when I’ve rang him n wanted to talk he’s been blunt. These new girls, they’ve only known each other for 2 months n have been together for a few weeks. She looks identical to me, including the way she cuts her hair n the glasses she wears. She lives down the road from him, works part time and has a 3 year old child. She’s 21. I’m heartbroken. All my friends are telling me i should forget him and his family have told me throughout our relationship that he’s selfish. I just don’t know if i should give up all hope of us ever getting back together? Be it now or in the future. The way he was speaking to me 2 months ago (including asking if i was pregnant and when i wanted babies!), made me think he wanted this to work. Should i just walk away and try not to think about him/send her all the messages he’s sent me! Will the 'he'll regret it/miss what he’s lost and come back' reign true? Is she just a look-alike rebound girl? I’m so confused =( He apologised twice for hurting me, but am I right in thinking actions speak louder than words?Help!
Dear Guys, This is a long one but I am so desperate for help :( 4 weeks ago my boyfriend of nearly 3 years split up with me just after we got back from a lovely holiday in Tenerife, it was kind of out of the blue. we don't live together he lives with his mum but stayed over at mine for 4 nights a week. We were very happy and although when we did row it was pretty explosive, we went on 3 holidays abroad every year, we had fun days out and stayed in hotels, as well as cosy nights in. Anyway back to the point, after being together about a year and a half, I asked him if he would buy a house with me, he seemed reluctant but agreed to it, we looked at houses, saw a mortgage advisor and I got so excited, then one day we had a row over something really trivial and he backed it and said 'I don't actually want this' I was gutted but I accepted it and things continued as they were before. After another year I posed the question again and pretty much gave him an ultimatum, he agreed that in the new year we would get this house together, we would talk about 'his garage for his motorbike', the pets we would have, decorating etc etc i was so excited so went I went on about it a lot, but its what iv wanted for ages. A few days before he split with me I said to him in bed 'I can't wait till January' he replied with 'I can' i cried and got quite upset, he was mad and said I couldn't take a joke. Anyway the night he finished with me, he said he wasn't himself anymore and he just didn't feel happy. He was in absolute floods of tears and didn't seem to want to leave, he didn't take his stuff and when he got out to his car he was sick. He hugged me for ages before leaving, I met with him 2 weeks later as I said we could be friends, (I think I was clutching at straws and wanted any excuse to see him) we went for a lovely meal and just talked about normal things, such as work and his bike and me and my friends etc, when he dropped me off I thanked him and apologised to him for being grumpy if I ever was or too pushy, he just said said .i can't give you what you want' with a sad face. I decided not to text him for a while to let him miss me, he got mad and wanted to know why, he said he was finding it all very hard, I explained he finished with me and he calmed down, he then asked me if I wanted to see him again and when I said yes a week on Tuesday, he said 'lets just leave it' I think he wanted to see me sooner. Eventually he calmed down and we arranged to meet up another 2 weeks later, we met on Friday night, we went to a local seaside town and played in the arcades and then went for something to eat, it was like old times we had so much fun. At the end of the night, when he was dropping me off I asked him if we were going anywhere, he looked so confused, he said 'I can't make you happy it doesn't matter how many times you say you don't want a house yet. I know you do' I explained again that I loved him and would wait and he said it wasn't fair on me and I deserved someone to treat me like the princess that I am, all this was through tears, we sat holding hands crying for over an hour. I hugged him before he left and I went to kiss him, I pecked him twice and he kissed me back. I told him I couldn't see him again which made him even more upset but he seemed to understand. The following day I just couldn't stop crying so that eve I text him, I told him I couldn't cut him out my life and he said if I can handle it he will see me this Saturday. I am so desperate to get him back and make him see sense but I know not to ask again or be pushy, I am not even texting him. It has been 3 days since I have seen him, please give me your advice or opinions, I think maybe be wants to be with me but is scared, I'm heartbroken and confused :( Thanks Guys xxx
@Kristy.....We understand how you're feeling and we're sorry. We know it's very hard. We wish we could deliver more optimistic advice but honestly the behaviors he is displaying are examples of someone who knows how he feels but doesn't want to admit it to himself....or you. Why? Because he does truly care about you, and he wants to feel for you how you feel for him. And he doesn't understand why he doesn't and he's mad at himself for it, and he feels guilty. So what does he do? 1. He creates a situation where you have to break up with him. (He can't handle that depth of guilt) 2. He says that maybe he just needs time. (He's hoping something will change, but also giving you hope to keep you around.) 3. When he's away from you he only remembers all the reasons why he'd want to stay. One being, sex. (So the two of you still sleep together. That could go on indefinitely, but it doesn't mean his feelings have changed. Guys can compartmentalize sex and love.) So we see this as a very difficult time for you. His uncertainty—even though we think he knows—is going to keep you in a holding pattern for as long as you allow it, or for as long as it takes for him to start seeing someone else. Don't forget Kristy, that your guy has had two years to decide what he wants. Most guys know within the first few weeks what kind of potential they see with a woman. We are truly sorry. We know this is probably hard to read. But understand it comes from a supportive place. Hang in there and keep us posted. And ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz
Hi, I have had a great read over a lot of your advice and wanted your input on my story! My boyfriend and I are 27, we have been together 2 years, in that time had one small break up (a few days). We broke up a month ago. I did it but he sort of made me, the relationship had been distancing and getting yucky for a few months prior to it. Namely because he couldn't tell me how he felt about me. I knew and know I am in love with him every little bit of him. He however does not know how he feels and that has made him question being with me and the relationship. Post break up we have unfortunately succumbed to the what not to to of sleeping with each other a couple of times. It makes me think he still isnt sure as he also says things like- he is scared he will regret this, and he doesn't want to lose me etc. I know we need time apart as at the moment we are way too emotional to knwo what we feel. I know I deserve better and deserve to be with a man who is sure of his feelings but the truth the real truth be told- I want that guy to be him. I want him to work it out in his head. As he is the one who indirectly broke up with me, I find it annoying that he still gets to miss me and want to be with me post break up. Its his decsion he should be sure about it. Why does the person who breaks up get to experience heartache too. We have agreed no contact for a while, but we have up until now been fairly bad at maintaining it. I guess what I want advice on is, how do I get rid of any hope for the future, when he says stuff like maybe he needs time. I know I can and deserve better but this means very little when you are still in love with that person. I feel sick at the idea that I might want to be with another guy. He is the only one I want forever and ever. Do you think crappy cliches like whatever will be will be are worth thinking about? He has been so tortured and emotional during the break up it makes me think that surely he must love me but just doesn't know it. I know guys can have feeling and not know what they are or what to do with them. I keep wondering if he is moving on from me quicker then I am from him, and I wan to try speak to our mutual friends to find out if he is happy about it, but most of all I want ot be the one who is ok in the end and when we do meet up again in the future, i want him to feel for me and me feel nothing for him. I am so sad he did this to me.
@Jessica.......He'll come back if he wants to. Let him initiate contact though. You've already apologized for your part in the argument. Did he? The ball is in his court. Question: How long have you been dating? What was the argument about?
I am dating this older guy who makes things confusing because he doesn't tell me what he wants. I had saw him a wk ago and we got into an argument. But later that day I apologize to him and he accepted it. Since then he doesn't speak to me. I miss and care about him. I know he needs space which cool, but why can't he say it. But I really wanna know if he will come back cause I miss.
I will :)
@FeelingDown.....You're welcome. Definitely keep us posted on how things are going.
Wow. Thanks guys. You're right. That is definitely true. You're super good! Thanks for your help! :)
@FeelingDown......You're welcome. And thanks for sharing our site with all of your friends. Okay, so let's say all of this comes down to unfortunate circumstances. And let's say you're right, and that all of this is some big misunderstanding. (We hope you're right!) However, consider this: His reaction to the events of the summer was to run the other way. When things got tough he chose the "easy path." If that's who he is, is he really someone you think you can have a long-term relationship with? Because relationships require work. They are hard. There are many bumps along the way. And if you've got a guy who bails at the first sign of stress then you've got yourself a problem.
Hi guys, sorry I forgot to say thank you the first time for your input. Its been very speedy and insightful. I know what you mean, and believe me, Ive been going out and being productive. I am just in love with him, and I know that this isnt super clear cut because I know that I changed during the relationship in a way I didnt like. Not cause of him but because of life. And the biggest complication is that I had spoken to him a bot after the breakup, and I know that he was as in love with me as ever when we were travelling together. I know that all the fighting and distance in summer is what killed us. This I know. Thats why its hard to accept that it was just meant to fizzle out. Because we hard a ridiculously hard summer as I was unhappy, and while that was going on he was getting joy and lightness from his friends, of which this girl is a part. So thats why I dont feel like its a lifestyle choice. And also, I didnt mention to you that he actually changed when I got back, so thats when I knew he had grown distant. Basically, what I am saying is that I feel like what happened is curiosity and bickering, and 2 months being away from me with all these problems cemented the divide. So what I'm saying is I think its a case of "the grass is greener". Trust me, I hope to go out with other people, but I just wanted to find out, is it possible that I could be right? and is it possible that he could come back for the long haul? Thanks so much for your patience with my craziness.xxx
@FeelingDown......Sure, the first love plays a part in this, but once again we come back to timing. He's making the best decision he can make with his limited experience. He just isn't ready. He may second guess himself at some point but we don't see him coming back for the long haul. We're glad you're independent and happy again. Why don't you try and see what else is out there yourself? We know it's hard, but you might surprise yourself. And pining away for him is going to make things harder. What do you think?
Do you think that because I am his first love, he doesnt know what else is out there, and when he realises he could come back and just be with me? I feel like its hard for me to let go because I know that I changed during the relationship, to someone I wasnt and didnt want to be. And now I am independent and happy again, and I feel like thats what he wanted. so doesnt that mean he wants me?
@Feelingdown......We know this is difficult and confusing. Hang in there. Sometimes there's not a great explanation for why relationships end. They just run their course. Some are meant to last a lifetime and some not. Of course, it's not like anything's predetermined. More it's a combination of attraction, maturity and timing. When people break up it's often a surprise to the person being broken up with. But that doesn't mean it was a rash decision by the person breaking up. Maybe he didn't act like he was questioning your relationship, but he was. And for a long time. The confusing part is that he didn't behave that way. He treated you as he always did, which means he was affectionate, loving and sweet. Why? Because he didn't want to feel how he was feeling. He was hoping that maybe he'd realize that you were in fact, THE ONE. But alas, he realized he doesn't feel that way. And that's why he cried. It's not like he doesn't care for you all of a sudden and doesn't miss you. He's probably closer to you than anyone else. But that still doesn't mean he sees a future with you, or wants a future with you. And that's why you're getting mixed messages. We don't think he's coming back, even if he came back for a time. He's moving on, dating this girl, likely other girls in the future and you need to try your best to move on as well. We are really sorry. We wish we could give you better news. But hopefully this helps to explain his mindset better. Does it? Ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. Thoughts? ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. Share on Facebook and/or Twitter, or any other site. @TGPBuzz
Hi guys, I was with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years, before which we were super close friends for 6 months. He was my first love, and I was his too. We met at university and just hit it off in this really great way because we had so much stuff in common. We loved spending time together and so we were always together. He wanted to be by my side all the time, and used to surprise me with presents and outings. we talked every day, if we weren't with each other. Right before I went home for the summer (I'm from a different country than him but we go to university in the same country), we had the best time ever. We went out all the time, we went for a charity trip together, and he even came back to my country and stayed there for a week. We were super in love and so close. Then he returned, and I stayed in my country for 2 months. I had a really hard summer because I wasnt sure about my future and I didnt like my job, so I was really unhappy. And I think that translated because we would fight every single time we spoke that summer. and we also had different schedules so we found it hard to communicate. We had a discussion in summer because I was scared his feelings had changed, and he'd said that he wanted to be with me in the now and couldn't see himself being with anyone else, but about the future, he "didn't know". So I came back and thought we'd be fine. And then I found that he was so distant. And it was like he was pulling away from me and I couldnt understand what was wrong. Even physically, and that had never been a problem for us. So one night, I confronted him. and I was fishing, so I asked him if he was attracted to someone else, and he said yes! And then I found out that before we'd met, he'd asked a girl from his group of friends out but she said she didn't like him enough,and he had never told me that because he said he didnt want me to think sth was still going on! I know he wasnt unfaithful to me, but he emotionally cheated because he'd kept in touch with her and I was never mentioned in their messages although she knew he had a gf, and then over summer when I was away and we were having "problems", he spent a lot of time with that group of friends and started to like her. So I broke up with him. And then 2 days later, I realised he wasnt begging. So I met up with him, and he said that he wasnt in love with me anymore. and that although he's only attracted to that girl, he sees himself being in love with her in the future and not me. He said I deserve someone who is in love with me and its not him anymore. My problem was that he seemed to completely rule me out romantically from his future, so he had to have serious problmes with me, but never told me. But at the same time, he was crying because he was saying how I am his best friend and he doesnt want to lose me, and I asked him if he thinks Im a better person than her, and he said that I am the best person he knows, and I know he means it. But then why doesnt he want to be with me, ever? He also said that he's still so attracted to me, not as a random girl, but as me. So I dont get how he feels. I think he wanted to have his cake and eat it so I stepped away from him completely. Like I havent seen him or spoken to him in more than a month. But I know he misses me because he sends me these texts checking up on me. But its like he's too scared to call because he knows that everyone hates him for what he did. I want to move on. I really do. But I loved him so strongly, and he hurt me. I am just trying to understand what happened cause I dont get it. He was such a good guy in other ways. Now I feel so lonely, like no one's job is to look out for me anymore. Could you please explain what he did and how he feels? Thanks.xxx
@Lisa......Well, we think he's being unfair. Of course we don't know the details. You would know better than us. Was it selfish of you? Or were you just protecting yourself? He must know that being an international student is not simple, especially when it comes to work. Yes, maybe you dragged your feet, but it doesn't seem like you did it on purpose. Did you? Subconsciously? If he truly doesn't want to get back together with you, then this whole charade is an excuse, and not grounds for a breakup. There must be something else going on for him that he's not telling you. (But who knows, maybe he'll come around. Keep talking about this with him. And try to reassure him that you love him and want to be together with him.) Thoughts? ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
Thank you for your reply. We have been living in the same city for like 3 months now, we are both doing the same graduate degree. We were not together before I arrived in the city but the plan was for me to settle here so we can go back together. He actually stayed in here so we can be together. I used to live abroad so it was hard for me to just leave everything that I had to move up here. When I arrived we kind of went back together but it was not that official, until I find out that I did not get the job opportunity I applied for (this happened 3 to 4 weeks ago). To him, the fact I didn't get the job established uncertainty in our relationship because he cannot be sure that I will be able to stay here anymore (graduate fees are expensive especially for internationals and I am limited in the types of job I can apply for) and the fact that I did not come earlier on to apply for the job when I could have (he insisted on me coming for interviews) was a sign that I wanted to sabotage our relationship, that I subconsciously I did not want to be here with him etc. In his eyes, this was very selfish of me and unfair to him.
@April......We know this is hard for you. And likely him. Hang in there. As per your questions. It's too soon to know really. We don't know the details of his past relationship, so it's hard to say how that's affecting his current decision. If he's a bit insecure, we could see why he wouldn't want to worry about a relationship with you while he was away. Maybe he has no plans on hooking up, but if he was in a relationship with you he'd be worrying about what you were doing. He doesn't want to deal with that. And he also doesn't want to hold you back, so that's why he's saying you're free to go out and do whatever. This could be a test even if he doesn't realize that. If he truly wants to reunite when he arrives home, he will be especially happy that you didn't date anyone while he was gone. (We're not saying you shouldn't we're just telling you a guy's mindset.) Of course on the flip side, he could be "breaking up" and telling you to date because he has no intentions of getting back together with you. It's hard for us to say. You know the situation better than we do. What's your gut telling you? What do your friends say? Our suggestion: If you truly think there's serious potential here, keep in touch with him on a regular basis. Keep it casual, fun, light. Hopefully he'll initiate some too. And wait the four months. (That's a long time, but not that long in the big scheme of things.) And then see. It's probably okay to meet some new guys, but we'd stay away from the physical for now. What do you think? ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
@Lisa.......Clarify for us: How long have you lived in the same city? Did he break up with you before you moved or soon after? How long have you been broken up? Why examples does he cite for why he thinks you sabotaged the relationship? Is there more going on than you're telling us? Meaning, are there other issues besides you not moving to his city fast enough? Fill us in and we'll get back to you. Thanks.
Two months ago I met someone out on the town. We talked all night and really got along. He asked for my number and quickly arranged to take me out of a lovely date. We went on a few dates before he had to go offshore to work for a week. He would send me emails daily from the rig and it was a very exciting time period as at this stage we were both very interested in one another but nothing had been defined yet. As soon as he was back from the trip he took me out on another date and this time asked to define the relationship - which I was very happy with. Things were going well but then he was told he would be working away from a month immediately followed by a four month stint overseas. We had only been dating for less than two months at this stage. He talked to me openly and said he could not go through a long distance relationship after the way his previous relationship ended doing the same thing. He said that he started the relationship because he thought he would be spending alot of time at home rather than overseas with work. He said he was upset because he did also see potential in the relationship but he was not prepared to go through the pain of a restricted communication (due to work) long distance scenario again. He said we should step back and not date, he didn't want me waiting around for him. I asked if it was because he may meet someone in his environment and he said no, it was more that it is painful to try to keep a long distance relationship going in his work-line and that he needed to give his all to the environment in which he is living and that he can't do this with a girlfriend back home. He said he saw himself settling in his home town and raising a family, and he saw potential in our relationship. Neither of us have used the word 'love' yet as we are learning so much about each other. The emotions are there but there is so much more to learn and it is so early on. He said that he could see the relationship coming back together when we are both back in the same town, but he did not want me to put my life on hold for him. He also said he would like to still keep in contact with me in the meantime, every now and then because he very much enjoys talking with me and sharing his thoughts. I do want the relationship to get back together and I know he went through a really rough time in his past relationship purely because of his job, so I do agree with him. I guess I am seeking some feedback on the liklihood that we will end up together? I know we have left things, but I think it was for legitimate reasons. I have told him I don't hook up, I tend to go from relationship to relationship with a good 7months between each. He said he is the same. I miss him already..
Hi, I have been with my ex for 2 years and it was kind of a long distance relationship. He often tried to make me stay but I was afraid because I had my life somewhere else. There was a job opportunity for me to be in the same city as him but I waited too long so I did not get it. Although I am in the same city as him now, he feels that I sabotaged our relationship, that I was unfair to him and that he does not want to be with me anymore. He said that he has put his life on hold for 2 years and that he doesn't know if it would be a good idea for us to be together; that this would be unfair to him. I can tell that he still really loves me but he seems to have made up his mind and doesn't want to go back with me. I feel like he resents me. I do not know what to do. I might have found a solution to stay where he is so it kills me because I know I will not be able to stay here knowing that we are not together anymore. He said that to him me staying doesn't matter anymore and he doesn't care what I do. I asked him what can I do for him to forgive me and he said nothing, that he doesn't want to and that therefore there is nothing that I can do. Do you think he will come back? What can I do to show him that I am really committed and sorry for what I've done? Should I just givehim space and leave him alone?
@Heartbroken......Part of the problem here is that you blame yourself for the breakup. Yes, we know you were the one who initiated it, but if he truly didn't want to break up he would have taken you back. Do you see our point? A part of him must have also wanted it or he would have taken you back by now. And have you thought of this? Is it possible he created a situation that was unbearable just so you'd break up with him? Just so he wouldn't have to be the one to actually break up? A lot of people do that. Because you can see that in many ways it's more difficult to be the one who's doing the breaking up than the person being broken up with. You need to shift your perspective on this. You were not the cause of the breakup, it was mutual. Until you understand that, and then forgive yourself, you won't be able to move on. Also, all the feelings you're feeling are quite normal. Regret, sadness, relief, then more sadness, anger, longing, emptiness, depression, inability to move on, etc. And based on your age, is it possible this guy was your first true love? If so, then that also factors in here. The first is the hardest to get over because you have nothing to compare it to, and no prior experience, no understanding that you do have the strength to move on, and that time heals. Think about what we said and let us know if it helps, or makes sense. ps. We hope you'll share our site with your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
@SoConfused.......Yes, it's possible. Anything's possible. But if he came back it doesn't mean he'd be back for good. Sometimes people get back together momentarily, and then all the same issues surface and they break up again.
Honestly part of me wants him to so i can yell at him and part of me doesn't. I had an ex that came back after like 6 months so I was just wondering if it was possible.
Thanks for the quick reply. Everyday I regret letting him go. I cant get over my mistakes that i made. at the same time i am aware of that we both had faults. right now its hard to see the downfall in the relationship and i mostly remember all the good times. I know I need to move on but I'm not ready. There's something in me that won't let go. False hope I guess. I wish so badly that one day i will come home and he will be at my door. How long should i not talk to him for? i agree with what you said it makes sense to me And i never thought of that before but he probably is trying to get his life back in order. I'm still sad and cry every once in awhile. I think about him a lot throughout the day. Is that normal? How long does it take to get over someone? I'm so frustrated with myself for having a pity party for myself over this all the time. We did everything together we were inseperable. Best friends. Friends have been a help, however we shared all our friends so sometimes it is awkward to say things. I feel like I should move I graduate college in may and think maybe moving to a new place would be good to get away from all the memories and a chance to meet new people. I started dating him when I was a junior in high school and he was a senior at the time. We had a strong relationship we even talked about getting engaged. I just feel empty without him and cannot imagine ever finding someone better than him. I have tried to move on it just hasn't happened for me yet. It seems so unfair that he could do that like nothing. That is mean on my part but just can't seem to understand.
@SoConfused.........We just think this is pretty clear. He is who he is, and we don't see him giving you the kind of relationship you want. Do you really want to be his back up plan? Would you settle for him if he came back to you? It's good that you're making an attempt at moving on, but part of that is trying hard to not wonder what he's up to, and what he's thinking and doing. Focus on you, not him.
I'm trying to move on by going out and I'm doing a show now so it's an attempt. I couldn't understand why he would treat me like this when he said he's been hurt by exes before. Also since I know some men do this, he knew I still liked him when he left so have I now become a back up plan in case he runs out of options? That'll take my world for another spin.
@Heartbroken.......We're sorry. This is tough. Here's our perspective with the limited information we have. His moving on with another girl might seem sudden to you but we doubt it was as sudden for him. We're not saying he was dating this girl behind your back but from what you describe both of you felt mixed about your relationship. So he was probably already contemplating if the two of you were right for each other before you broke up with him. The break up just gave him the strength to do what he may have felt he should have done long before. Move on. Sometimes relationships run their course. Four and half years is a long time likely filled with lots of sweet memories. But that doesn't mean the relationship was destined to last a lifetime. He seems pretty clear about this other girl and you. We're sure he still cares for you, but he's trying to put his life back together. We think you should let him do that, and also try to do that yourself. Once you let go you'll realize you have the strength to move forward. We suggest leaning on your friends and family for support if you can. Once again, we're sorry. Hang in there and take care. Your thoughts? Any other questions? Ask away.
@SoConfused......We're really sorry this is so hard. We understand. But we also think you need to stop worrying whether or not he's thinking about you. He's already shown you his true colors. That should be enough information for you to move on. Don't you think? He's not the kind of guy you'd be able to have a long term relationship with, so even though this is difficult, you might be better moving on. What do you think? Hang in there. ps. We hope you'll share our site with your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
So I was with my my ex for four and a half years. We had our ups and downs in our relationship but both loved each other very much. We broke up six months ago. I asked for the beak up because he seemed unhappy with me for awhile. He begged me at first to stay and then later on said it could be a mutual breakup. Two weeks later I realized what a mistake I had made I went over to his house and begged him to get back together crying and apologizing. I come to find out there is already a girl at his house hanging out with him. A couple weeks later I find out that they are dating. He has been with this girl for 5 months now. Recently I texted him the other day telling him how much I miss him and how hard it's been for me and asking how he could move on so fast? In return I get a phone call of him saying thy his new gf is in years because of my text message and that it is not fair of me to do this to him. I'm so heartbroken, lost and confused. I thought he would have came back for me already. He also said I dumped him like trash and that we can not talk for a very very long time. I still am sad and cry often because I miss him. Is it bad to have hope that he might come back for me one day? I was just trying to let him know that I am waiting for him because I think he's worth it. Is it possible for him to have just moved on so fast? What do I do now?
I was thinking maybe I didn't pick up on something. And now he's cut contact and blocked me on Facebook which I think is immature. What bothers me is now he acts like he hates me and I'm nothing to him, like I suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. Has he already forgotten that I even exist? I was actually a good woman to him so I hope that he at least remembers that.
@SoConfused.......Why would this be your fault? He's the one who is sending all sorts of mixed-signals. Here's what happened: He got excited about the IDEA of love, but probably doesn't really know what this is. Then reality struck and he realized that maybe he went a bit overboard. But of course he still has his needs so he still wanted sex from you. Then he finds another girl, then not, then he wants you, then he doesn't. Then he blames you. From our perspective this might be sad, but you might very well be better off without him. What do you think?
So I'm just trying to get a guys opinion of what happened. I dated this guy for not long at all like 3 months but he would talk about us having kids and marriage and all that. Well one day he gets let go from his job and he broke up with me. Week later he says he thinks we'd be better off as friends so I'm like ok. Then he changes it to he wants to just have sex but then doesn't cause we're no longer together. Then stopped talking to me all together cause he was talking to a new girl, a week or so goes by and he comes back saying things didnt work out with her cause she lives too far (he has no car) then he keeps going back and forth again so leaves again cause he doesn't know what he wants. Now he finally says he doesn't want anything cause its "too tempting" to have sex with me but still says he cares about me. Oh and I joke around too much so he basically blamed this on me. I haven't said anything in almost two weeks but was this really all my fault?
@Realistic Yet Hopeful.......This breakup seems more about timing rather than lack of love, or loss of love. Timing in the sense that he's not ready; he's not mature enough; he's not confident enough; he's not able to get over his insecurities to be with you. And when relationships fall apart because of timing someone is always left in limbo. It just seems like if only things were just a little different everything would be perfect. But it's a trap. And one that will keep you in a holding pattern. (Which is kind of what's happening.) Timing is every bit as essential as love, common values, goals, and interests. Finding "the one" is a process filled with close misses. We can't say for sure, but this may be one of them. Hang in there. And ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted. ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it!
We were off and on for quite a bit over the last year. He would still want me but be upset over something small and he held a grudge. He just couldn't get over it. I realize he lacks the maturity to have a relationship with me and I had to end it. As it stands though afte a two month haitus (because as far as I was concerned he had said goodbye and like it or not, I had to get over it) he contacted me to make sure I was okay. He said he still cared but he reiterated he wasn't ready for me, he still didn't feel like he deserved me, he blames me for our breakup and the relationship failing. He just has so many hangups so like I said, seeing this wasn't something he was going to see or work on at this point, I ended it. (this was two weeks ago.) up until this point he had always been the one leaving and then coming back, it was a cycle. So as of now, no, I don't talk to him. And even if he talked to me now, I'm not sure I would. Where he stands with it...he is just very insecure. He doesn't see this but I can. And because he is, it colors his views. He'll apologize one minute, upset he let something small tear us apart, but give it a day, and suddenly he's back to blaming me. He says he'll always love me and he wants me to be happy. He says he trusts I'm smart enough to handle myself. Those were literally his last words to me. Despite all of this I still love him. I told him that. But I told him it wasn't right what he wasn't right what he was doing and I had to be with someone who respects me. I don't know if that helped at all. It's been...an interesting and exhausting year to say the least.
@Realistic Yet Hopeful......You explained it well enough. And we get it. We go two ways with this. If you see love as a progression of sorts, this all makes sense. It only follows that the last serious relationship you were in would be the most intense and satisfying, albeit frustrating. Why? Because, assuming you learned about yourself via previous relationships then now you're more adept at choosing someone who works for you. (Although, the matter would be up for debate whether or not this guy worked for you.) So it's no surprise you're hung up on this guy. He was different than anyone else you've ever dated, but we don't think he'll be different than people you'll date in the future because you'll add his positive qualities to your bag of "hopeful characteristics" when looking for a new guy. Does any of this makes sense? Now to the other possible path. Late 20s/early 30s is about the time a guy finally matures to become someone who could be a responsible partner. Sure some guys mature earlier, but for the most part it's around that time. So this guy has plenty of time to grow up, evolve, change, learn, etc. Of course the question isn't whether he has the time, but more, does he have the gumption, or the desire? (That would also be up for debate.) Question: How long have you been broken up? Are you two in contact still? Where does he stand with your breakup? If you could give us a little more specific information we can give you some more opinions as to what to do. (Although we rarely tell people what to do. Instead we like to paint the picture clearly so you can make your own mind up.) Thoughts?
I met an amazing man. He inspired me, he made me better, we were incredible in many ways together. But he was arrogant, had a lot of hangups. He would pull me in and then push me away, get jealous over petty things and finally I left. This is such a short sum up of what this was. It was intense. He said he'd never felt about anyone the way he felt about me, our chemistry, our passion, our love. After this ridiculous year of back and forth, and finally breaking away, I find myself reacting in a way I never have. I'm very practical. Incredibly so. My logical mind says "he is gone, he won't come back." my not so practical friend believes he will come back into my life later, when he's taken care of himself, grown up a bit. He's 28 though. Is there really that much room left for growth at this point? This is such a shallow description of what this was as a whole that I really don't know if it paints a clear enough picture of him for you to even give me an answer. I just know, I don't react this way. The logical side of me says it's done forever. But the part of me that has never in my 25 years been this way with any man,says this is different and maybe I shouldn't give up on him completely. I don't want to waste my time pining for a someone who I have no hope of ever having. I've tried going on dates, putting myself out there, but for the first time in my life, I'm actually hung up on a man. You can't imagine how frusrating that is for me. I'm very independent and self relient. I know I'm young, I know I have "plenty of time" but I also know this was different. So I'm not sure what you'll say or even could say. I just know I'm battling myself constantly. My logic and my feelings. My thoughts and the thoughts of my friend who is outside looking in on the situation. Any advice is appreciated. I wish I could explain this better.
@Gillian.....The thing is, he's got so much work to do on himself that it could take a very long time for this to resolve itself, if at all. This means, it's going to be up to you to make the best decision for yourself and your son. Take care of yourself and keep us posted. Come back anytime.
My plan has been to the care of my son, I just always thought the while actions speak louder then words thing but he can't really do that bc he is unstable. He went to rehab but it wasn't enough. I think your right and I think in time he Will realize it, Im just tired of being the I've to hold it in and cry myself to sleep over someone who doesn't deserve it. Its been too hard to let go bc he isn't just an ex, we have a child. I guess in time he Will figure it out I just wanted an outsider males perspective. Thanks.
@Gillian......He needs time to figure this out. Unfortunately it's unlikely he's taking this time to do that. If he's using drugs, then his mind is not clear. The thing is, he's got to want to change in order to change. If not, he's going to keep exhibiting these same destructive behaviors over and over. Honestly, he's got a long way to go in order to come back a clean and changed man. He might say he loves you, but he's not backing that up with actions. We suggest focusing on yourself and your son. (Your first priority is being a good mom. Of course you know that.) Let him realize on his own what he's given up. Of course we wouldn't wait forever. At some point you have to move on and think about your future with someone else. Thoughts? ps. We hope you'll share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
My ex and i were togther 3 years...we have a baby toether he is almost 3 now. My ex left me and within a week ended up rebounding and livig with with a girl who has tried to break us up since day one. He has had an addiction problem for awhile and i think it effects a lot of hs jugement, he can be very manipulative but asidefron the drugs and walking out on his family we used to have a great relationship. Now we go for weeks without speaking, he never sees his son and its this repeating cycle for almost a year now.I have tried to talk to him about things but i never get anywhere but upset and confused. He treats me like were togther at times and says he cares so much about me and b Im the mother of his child...he say iss lets the baby steps b he doesn't know what's going on either. When we last saw each other he said he loves me...he said of course I still love you, I Will always love you... Then the next day he did something really sneaky andnow we recent spiked in weeks like usual and now his family no longer speaks to me, I feel like I've been marked the bad guy and everything he says is a lie... You can't have a family and walk out on them within a week living with someone else and bot cope with losing someone...I think drugs are a major like here but what can I do to cope with losing.Will he ever come back? Is there something I can do or maybe just disappear from him so he can figure it all out...
@cmh.......The course of any breakup is filled with many highs and lows. It's hard to know what's going on with him. Is he sad to hear you're happy? Is he being dramatic? Is he missing you? (That's normal even if he feels it was the right thing to do by breaking up.) Did he breakup with this other girl? He's feelings are vacillating. He's up, he's down, he's happy, he misses you, he questions himself, then he thinks he did the right thing, and on an on. If you had only dated for four months the breakup would probably look much different. But four years is a long time. Which means, the breakup will continue to be much more complicated and confusing. We wouldn't be surprised by much. Like we mentioned earlier, people often get back together for a time. They say to themselves, "How can I be so sad and depressed? Maybe I made a mistake." But then what happens is things are fun for a bit and then they're reminded why they broke up in the first place. And then bam. What this does is just keep people in a holding pattern for longer. So what do you want? Do you want him back if he decides that's what he wants? What will have changed if that's the case?
So. There's a new part to my drama: Before he left for training, we found out his mother had cancer. Well, today I texted his sister to ask about how his mother was doing. I figured just because things went to crap with him, it doesn't mean I can't show concern for the family that was practically mine for almost four years. She said their mother was doing better and asked how I was. I said that I'm fantastic, and that a lot of great things had come my way recently. This really isn't the case but I knew better than to tell her that. Anyway, I told her to give hugs and kisses to everyone and told her I would contact her when I was to come visit the mother. Even though that's not really my purpose. I would really only be going to return his class ring(before he left, he let me hold onto his class ring) but I was trying my hardest to find a way NOT to mention him, or anything to do with him, so I just said that I might see their mother. So I thought that was the end of that. Well. Later tonight, I left my phone charging in the other room to come back and have my friends tell me I missed a call. I looked at the caller ID and it was from a blocked number. Something in my gut told me it was him. I put the phone to the side and got back to studying. Maybe a half hour later, I got a text message from him. It said "I'm glad to hear you're doing well, I hope you're happy and your life turns out great." I don't know how to feel about this. I didn't reply. I deleted the message as soon as I received it. I went to go tell my friend and she told me that he hadn't seemed too happy, judging from his latest facebook posts. Compelled by curiosity, I asked for more information. She told me that he posted something stupid, to which his sister posted a comment asking "bored much?" and to which he replied "yes." I don't really know what I'm asking. haha I just want a man's opinion on this... series of events.
@Brooke....We're glad you came to the conclusion on your own. That's always best. Yes, contacting him would drag it out more. We agree, it's best to move on here. Take care and keep in touch. Let us know if we can help with anything in the future. And yes, thanks for sharing our site. Our brand new site should be up any day now!
Thank you. That actually really helped a lot. I don't know if him talking about his relationship patterns was entirely fictitious, because I remember him telling me the same thing early on in our relationship. I just never thought that would happen with me, and neither did he, I don't think. Or is it possible he was just planting a seed there in the beginning, in case he wanted to use it as an excuse later on? I'm sure him ending the relationship wasn't sudden on his part (he'd been getting more and more distant for 2 months prior - I was just shocked he dumped me right then, after us not having spoken in a month). I just meant that him wanting us to stop being clingy seemed like a sudden 180, considering he still did things like request I tell him every single word my ex and I messaged to each other when we reconnected on Facebook, which was only about a month and a half ago. That's also confusing. I don't think I'm going to get any more answers from him. I honestly just don't think he cares anymore and I believe my questions are only an annoyance to him now and I'd probably only get pissy answers. I think he started really moving on a month ago and I just didn't know it. The waffling may have been the biggest issue/question that was keeping me stuck; keeping me from moving forward, and I guess I just needed a guy to tell it to me straight. I think it's actually best that I don't try to contact him anymore, because I think it would just draw the whole thing out for me even longer, when I could be using that time to heal. Again, thank you so much, and I will definitely share your site with my friends.
@Brooke...We're sorry this is so confusing and painful. But this was not some sudden 180. It may feel that way to you, but he was contemplating this long before he actually did it. (We don't know him, but that's how breakups happen. It's often a surprise to the person being broken up with.) That said, his waffling—for now statements—is because he cares about you and knows he will miss you, but that doesn't mean he believes he's made the wrong decision or he plans to come back. And all this talk about his patterns in relationships is just a way to soften the blow. We're not saying it's impossible to reconcile, but from what you're telling us it doesn't seem like that's his plan. The long distance doesn't help, as evidenced by the trust issues that surfaced between the two of you. The distance was hard during the relationship and even more difficult during a breakup. As far as getting answers. That all depends on what he wants to give you. Much of the time, people have to move on without getting all the answers they seek. Either way, you have some more processing to do with him. (Hopefully he'll comply) Keep us posted as this progresses. And ask a follow-up question anytime. ps. We hope you'll share our site with friends. We appreciate it. Thanks.
@Mrs. C.......Yes, we got your Radar Love reference. (The young guys around here did not. The older guys did.) We understand where you're coming from with all of this. Although, we don't totally subscribe to "the one soulmate" sentiment. But we also don't judge. Everyone is different, and you would know better than we would how you feel. But we tend to think it comes from being truly open or not. Have you really been open to these other guys? Because if you always have this other man on your mind, it's impossible to see anyone else, but through that lens. In closing: You know in your gut how you want to proceed. We support that. Keep us updated and let us know if we can help in any other way. Thanks for sharing our site with friends. We appreciate it!
Very long story, going to try to keep it short. My fiancé and I met on Facebook 4 years ago and began seeing each other a year and a half ago. We instantly fell in love and were sure we were soul mates; the loves of each other's lives. It's long distance, but we managed to see each other about every 2 months and had spent significant amounts of time together. He met my family, my daughter, my ex-husband and his family, and he loved all of them and they him. I've hurt him several times (nothing awful, but very emotionally trying - he was working through forgiving me, but he’s always had a very difficult time forgiving people). Everything was going well until after he left from visiting me for a month. I noticed he was becoming distant after he left (a little while he was here. he didn't seem excited about the wedding plans we were making). He said I was rude to him a lot (I was sometimes - but I was also very loving most of the time), that he felt like he had to walk on eggshells with me, and that things I'd done in the past were still bothering him. Then, after over a year of being that mushy, clingy (which he instigated early on), disgustingly in love couple, he did a 180 on the clingy thing, failed to mention he didn't want our relationship to be that way anymore, then got mad at me for doing it. He felt like I didn’t trust him; he's always been upset that I have trust issues with him (for very little reason, admittedly). Then he just became more and more distant; he started getting mad at me a lot for random stuff. A month after he left I asked him if we should take a break (we skyped every day), so we stopped that, continued texting, telling each other we loved each other; the texts became fewer and farther between. After a month (of hell for me, not knowing with was going on in his head - I’d told him I wanted to discontinue making wedding plans until he was back to being 100% sure he wanted to marry me) I asked if we could Skype so we could talk. We got on Skype, then, to my surprise, he dumped me. He told me he loved me, was proud of me for making some changes I'd made in my life, and that he'd been too hard on me and was sorry. He apologized for not talking to me when we’ve always had very open communication. He said he realized he didn't want to move. He said the main reason was that his emotions just shut off (not too long before that he was the most emotional guy I knew, though to his friends and family he was a hardass). He said it happens in every long term relationship he's ever been in (he mentioned he doesn't have long term friendships, either) and that he wondered if he should even be in relationships. He apologized again and I ended the call, after telling him that I could never speak to him again (not as punishment - because it would be too painful). My entire life and plans for the future had been turned upside down and I was in shock. When I gathered my thoughts, I decided I wanted more answers, so I emailed him and asked him wth happened. He said, again, that his emotions just shut off, then he listed a bunch of my faults. He said he still cared and that this was hard for him, too. He went back and forth in the email saying "the damage is done" and equivocal statements and "I can't be in this relationship, at least right now" and equivocal statements. I guess I want to know what the hell you guys think happened? How can guys just go completely cold and shut off their emotions? Could they come back? Why did he say it was most certainly over, but also slip in the "for now" statements? Do you think he wants it over forever or is he saying he wants to leave it open for reconciliation someday? Do you think he may come around? This wasn't just some casual relationship (we're in our 30s and were serious - no games), it was the real deal. Thank you in advance for your replies!
Hi guys, you bring up an interesting view - a masculine view. :) I never really looked at it as "he's a project". I believed I was just trying to be helpful. But after thinking about what you said, perhaps I did treat this relationship (and him) more like a project (or patient) to be analyzed, assisted and ultimately fixed. I don't want to fix him; I want to see him grow, learn, find joy and achieve the great things he's out to achieve. I want to be his cheerleader and enjoy him as a partner, lover, and friend. Does that make sense? Am I comfortable with the "project status"? No. Somewhere in my subliminal mind, I believed that once he got home that our lives would fall in step with each other, that we'd sync up automatically....like normal relationships tend to do after time. I did not anticipate how far off I was from that nor realized how far away he was from actually being ready for that. I recognize there needs to be more from him; I need and deserve more period. As far as what he brings to the table, I can't quite put it into words. Its something that has been there since we were teenagers. I think the best way to describe it, and I hope you're around the age I am so you'll know what I'm referencing, it's like radar love. LOL! We have this communication between us that doesn't require words, where our souls can talk to each other regardless of distance. I know it sounds weird but it just feels on a very deep soul level like we're connected and we're suppose to be together. Now, maybe we're suppose to be business partners, best-friends, or something other than in a relationship but I can't turn that feeling off that we're suppose to be together. And as far as other men go, it's not the same....it's just not there. I can be physically attracted to another man but I've tested this over the course of 20 years, there's nothing (emotionally, mentally, spiritually) there and it doesn't feel right. (This is the part where you guys start mumbling "This girl's a nut-job", right?) So, because I've only had this depth of connection with 1 man, I'm not really interested in playing the field, joining match.com, hitting the bar scene....I'm comfortable being on my own. I don't think it would be fair to any other man to get involved with me if I can't be fully invested....and its certainly not fair to me to hook up with men that I won't have an interest in staying with. Am I just rambling now? Does any of this make sense or....??I assume guys have similar traits in that once they know they've found the one, they typically don't deviate from that "knowing" so I'm hoping you'll be able to understand and relate what I'm trying to communicate. Thoughts?
@cmh......Sometimes we can get to things quickly, sometimes it takes a while. No offense taken at all, we just didn't want you to think we weren't going to take you seriously. We take every question seriously, even ones from people as young as 14. We hope this helped a bit. And thanks for letting your friends know. We're relaunching our site any day now and there will be much more stuff to check out and do. Thanks.
Thanks for the reply. That was a lot faster than expected. Sorry, I didn't mean anything by the "you'll probably say I was too young" statement. It's just what everyone has told me. Thanks for the advice and actually, I think I do have some friends who would love this site.
@cmh.....Breakups are hard. We're sorry this is so difficult for you. We weren't going to come out of the gate with, "you're young." We look at each situation case by case. Some high school sweethearts actually stay together, so it's certainly possible. What's happened here is that both of you needed to grow on your own, and in doing so, you've grown apart. (Or at least he has) And distance will do that to a couple. And this is where age may factor in, especially for a young guy who's not very mature, and sees what all his buddies are doing and doesn't want to miss out. Because in essence that's what we see here. Bad timing. Maybe if you had met down the road the two of you would have been able to work this out, but right now, the two of you are on different paths. It's not going to help if you keep trying to inject yourself into his life. If he wants to come back at some point it will be up to him to take the initiative. And here's the catch. If you sit around waiting for him you may waste years of your life for naught. If you don't, you may no longer be open to him if/when he comes back. Our suggestion: If you still need some more answers you can try to wrestle them from him, but probably the best thing to do is try to learn from this and move on. Sometimes relationships run their course, and often, they end inexplicably, at least to the person being broken up with. We're not saying there's no hope. There is hope. Often people get back together for a short time and then break up again. But we worry that this situation will put you in a holding pattern. Your thoughts? ps. We hope you'll share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
also, I'm sorry. there's more. when I told him the reason as to why I couldn't take photos for him (yes. that kind. we were over a thousand miles apart. I had to fulfill my duties as his gf somehow) was the fact that my roommate and her bf always come in at random moments and I know he wouldn't want them to see me, he said "you're right. I wouldn't have wanted them to see you like that." He sounded like the old him again... like the one that cried at the thought of being separated from me for two months. I know I'm over analyzing things. But I can't help it. Could that statement mean anything too?
Or at least, I'm pretty sure he won't. I just still can't believe what he told me all that time were merely lies. The boy (I refuse to recognize him as a man anymore, due to his cowardly approach to the breakup) that always said he was afraid to lose me to someone else, traded me for a girl he's known a month at the most. He said he knew her for only a week. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm no moron either. I want answers so badly. I just want things to return to the way they were. I know they won't but... Do you think he'll ever come back? Or should I not even consider that as a possibility?
Hi it's tough to know where to start, but here goes: My ex and I met in high school, and we fell in love. He graduated high school two years before I did, since he was two years older. We hit a few rough patches along the way, but we always managed to make the relationship work. In April of my senior year in high school, he enlisted into the military. Before he enlisted, he had a job in a warehouse and was severely unhappy with his situation. I encouraged him to lose the weight and enlist, since that's what he seemed to want to do. I admit, I got annoyed at his complaining about his situation, and his lack of action to improve it. Anyway, after threatening to break up with him if he didn't enlist, he did. I honestly just wanted him to make something out of himself and I'd tried every other way to encourage him to do what he said he wanted to do. He cried when we had to say goodbye. He kept saying "two months. that's it. just two months." In the 3 years and 5 months I had been with him at that point, I had never ever seen him cry. It gave me such a rush of emotion that carried me through his basic training. Every day for the next two months, I sent him letters, detailing the events of my life and how proud I was and how much I loved him. We even discussed marriage in a few of them. I was supposed to go to his graduation, but an incident at the airport left me stuck at home and unable to see him. His family said he looked upset when he found out that I wasn't able to come. He called me a few times that weekend, but I knew he was with family, so I tried not to take him away from them too much. After basic training, he went for his job training. I woke up at two in the morning just to be able to text him while he was on the bus. We were talking about a future and how we can work things out. He called me either that day, or the day after just to chat. It was lovely being able to talk to him. I even suggested skype, and we did videochat. Once. He was told that his training was to last more than six months and he is stuck at a pretty boring base. To make matters worse, his training has been delayed, so he's stuck doing busy work throughout the day until the give him clearance. He was always pretty bummed out cause he was trapped on that boring base and doing nothing that he felt was productive. I tried to remind him that it's something good for him, and even though it may be bad now, it will get better later. Our relationship really started to get choppy after I complained to him about not calling or skyping me. He was always out with his friends. My self esteem took a blow, but I really wanted to make things work with him. I would ask him about his new friends, and he would never tell me much, he would just tell me to check facebook. One night he went out with his friend. He told me that his friend was considering breaking up with his gf. I asked is it cause he just wants to go out and fuck? my ex replied "pretty much". That answer scared the hell out of me. I asked what he was doing. Apparently, he was out with his friend and his friend's gf. I asked if there was anyone else and he said her sister was supposed to come but she cancelled, and her friend was to come in her place but she cancelled too, though now I doubt that was really the case. One weekend, I had even made an appointment to videochat with him, since it always seemed that our schedules clashed. He went out with his friends. I was so hurt, but I didn't make a big deal out of it, I just told him that we would keep the same appointment for the next day. The next day he went out AGAIN. I didn't know what to do, I sunk even deeper into a depression that I had already been battling since before he left.I still tried to be happy for him, and support him, though I could feel that something wasn't right.I should have left him then and there, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'd invested too much in him to just end it. We tried again to make it work, but as always, it was me who was putting forth any REAL effort in keeping in touch. We had another near breakup, and I was begging him to make it work. He kept saying no. Finally I told him about another man that took interest in me (a dirty dirty trick, I know) and he changed his tune reeeally quickly. Now he was "making the biggest mistake of his life," and hoped that I could forgive him. I did. We got back together. And the problems with communication persisted. One month before we broke up he sent me a letter: "Hey there beautiful! God I miss you so damn much. I can't wait to see you again, it's all I look forward to anymore. Sometimes I wonder what you see in a guy like me, but whatever it is, I'm grateful it attracted [you]. I can honestly say you're the one I want to wake up to every morning and sleep with every night. I want you to be the mother of my children (and he actually doesn't even want kids. that says a quite a bit I think)... I can't wait to stand at the alter with you...WHen I see you again, I won't ever let you go... I'm gonna tell you how much you mean to me every day... I love you with all my heart and soul. your husband and soul mate..." two to three weeks after sending me this, he sends me a TEXT MESSAGE saying that he can't handle my lack of trust, and that he "can't do this anymore" I was shocked, and I didn't really know what to think. we had had moments like this before, so Stupidly, I put "fine. goodbye." little did I know it was the beginning of a drawn out breakup. I believe I didn't talk to him that weekend, just to give us both some space, and when talked to him later that week, he said it was actually over. I kept telling him we could work it out (it was all over text...) and this went on for a few hours until he finally admitted to me that there was someone else. At first I thought he was lying. He claimed that he met her after he sent the breakup text. ButI can't be too sure cause he said they both wanted to be in a relationship. I took it in the most undignified way, and am embarrassed of my actions when I look back. I pleaded him to help me make it work, and he said that we tried everything, though he never really tried, it was always me. He wouldn't at least skype me to break up with me. He didn't want to call. I had to convince him that he at least owed me that. I was so angry, I was flinging insults at him left and right. I lied and said I never loved him. I wanted to hurt him so badly but I didn't know how. I regret even trying. But I was so desperate to keep him in my life that I suggested we stay friends. I soon realized that wasn't going to work. I was too hurt and he didn't care at all. I asked him if he thought I had already found somebody else and he told me yes. he told me I didn't pay enough attention to him, (which isn't true. I've literally sat staring at the phone willing it to ring and for him to be on the other end. I always made sure to try to understand his new lifestyle. everything. but it wasn't enough.) he just told me that it didn't matter cause he's happy now. I've now cut off all ties with him. Blocked him on any form of communication we had (he posted to the world that she's his gf on facebook.) I deleted his phone number to remove the temptation of calling him or texting him. Though, shortly before I did that, I did a foolish thing and sent a picture of myself. Nothing pornographic, just a nice photo. It was clear that I had lost weight and achieved a better shape. Then I tried a different approach in trying to make him guilty. At this point, I realized I could never have him back cause he didn't want me... I told him that distance plays tricks upon the heart. Which is true, and he asked what I wanted to do then, since I was talking about all of this. I told him that I didn't know because I wouldn't be able to trust him ever again. I've certainly grown from this experience. I realize where I made my mistakes. Such as trying to hurt him, or make him guilty. But I'm still smarting from the wounds. A part of me hopes to never see him again, the other part wants to see him and kick him in the nuts. I'm so confused. I went from the future mother of his children to the bane of his existence. I just don't understand. I don't know if he still has my number or if he blocked mine or anything. I haven't had any form of contact with him in almost two months now. I'm coping. Barely. A part of me wants him back. I know we're young. I know that's probably one of the first things you'll say. But... I guess at one point, not anymore, we both believed that we were stronger than the usual high school sweethearts who didn't last. We genuinely thought we would last. or maybe I should speak for myself. I genuinely thought we would last. I'm sorry to send an entire novel, but I just didn't want to leave anything out. I want him back. But I don't know if I ever will have him back... I'm beginning to feel like, what with his military career, I will never see him, nor talk to him again. I may have the opportunity this holiday. I'm nearly positive he will be home for the holiday season, but even imagining seeing him in the same room after eight months of being apart. I can't breathe. My friend says he'll come back but after some reflection, I realize he's never going to want to talk to me again.
@Ms. C.......We understand this is complicated. We don't doubt he'll be back, but the question is, in what capacity? And will anything really have changed? He comes, he goes, he professes his love, he breaks up, he flips, he flops. You see what we're getting at. This is who he is. He's all over the place, and unsure of what he wants and how to go about getting it. We don't think it's a matter of scaring him away, it's a matter of whether or not he'll get his act together, and then be a stable person in your life. We think he's got a ways to go. He's a project. Maybe you feel comfortable with that, but ultimately he's got to be more than that to you. What do you think? What are you getting out of it? What does he bring to the table for you?
Hi guys, So my here's my problem....long story too. I met the love of my life in high school but we ran into major issues; he was into drugs & dealing, I got pregnant & wanted an abortion, he wanted me to keep it but wouldn't get sober....we broke up. But I told him, "if you ever get your crap straight, I'll be there". Fast forward 20yrs later. I was in the process of going through a divorce when I came across him in prison. So I sent him a letter. That was 3 1/2yrs ago. We got to talking again and realized that there were still a lot of feeling between us and he said, "Now that we know what not to do, how about we try this again?" Well....as pen-pals, we managed to make the long distance relationship thing work out pretty well. Once he got home though, we struggled and mostly it was because so much had changed in my life in those 3 years, I had entered the darkest hours of my life. Well, in August, he was visiting his brother out of town and he called me up all excited about the plans he had for himself and for us. He was saying how he's going to be learning stocks, investments and how he's going back to college to finish up his degrees....and he says, "I'm going to marry you. Not right now because I want to be able to take care of you but I'm going to marry you." Three weeks later, he broke up with me saying he had to make a decision no normal man should ever have to make, that he didn't feel like he could fix me or the problems that I'm going through and that even though he said what he said about marrying me, people change." For about a month after that, he wanted to keep me close, calling me his best-friend, trying to convince me that we should be friends with benefits and all that (I even caught him crying a couple times when we'd hang out) but when I'd ask him about us getting back together, he'd say he wasn't changing his mind. The last time we had a conversation like that, I told him to go to hell and to enjoy his new life that I helped him build...without me. I said that because I'm so very hurt by all of this. I invested a lot of time and effort to help him get back on his feet and to help him get his crap together. I never asked for anything in return EVER. So...I'm pretty sure he needs time alone (maybe months, maybe years) to sort through his head and heart, but what I'm concerned with is this (because I know he'll be back) - how do I communicate with this guy? How do I NOT scare him away? How do I help him open up and how do I make sure he doesn't feel like he "can't fix me/my problems"? Thanks guys!!
@tommy....We understand. Hang in there. And try to talk with a counselor about this. It will help. Take care.
ya! but its very hard for me to realize the fact that he is no more with me! this kills me inside! :( i dont know whats there that makes me luv him more by each passing day! i just want him!!!
@Tommy.....You deserve to be with someone who loves you and respects you. Someone who listens to you and someone that admires you. The question isn't: Will he come back? The question is: When he comes back, should I take him back? Or rather: Do I even want him back? You need to think long and hard about that. Don't settle, you'll regret it later.
its like in january the same thing haapened! all the fights the abusive language and the same thing exactly! but he returned in march! now even i m doubtful wat he wants! i m just waiting for the time to heal everything. :( may he come back! :(
@Tommy....It's hard to predict. We wish we could give you a definitive answer. What we can say is that relationships move quickly in high school. People date. They break up. They get back together. They move on. They do all sorts of things. Some make sense. Some don't. It's so fast sometimes. This is the nature of that time in life. People are experimenting, trying on new ideas, seeing what works for them. We know it seems like he's everything right now, but you might be amazed at who else you might meet if you can open yourself up and see the other possibilities that are probably all around you. Believe us, there is more than one guy out there for you. That's the best reassurance we can give you. But....in the meantime, please, find someone you can talk to. You'll be happy you did. Take care Tommy. ps. And please share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
yea.. i will try! but do u think he will ever come back??
@Tommy.......Like we said, you need to talk to the counselor at school. Or find another professional whom you can talk to. That will help. We wish we could do more, but we think you'd feel a lot better talking face-to-face with someone. Don't you? Hang in there.
yes! i m trying to do so! i am in 10th! :'( but still i just cant live without him.. what should i do :( help
You have said what I already know, as I expected. Thank you. Life is a strange thing, so is the human brain. You guys take care now. I appreciate it.
@Tommy......Tommy, you need to talk to someone immediately about this situation. How old are you? Are you in high school? You need to talk to the school counselor, or someone. Seriously, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and try to learn from this and move on. You deserve better than you're getting from him, and it will happen for you; it just doesn't feel this way now. Hang in there, surround yourself with family and friends and talk to a professional about this. Please. You'll be much happier. And no more talk about harming yourself.
@Anna....It's clear you're in love with him, or at least have very strong feelings for him; and that's what's driving your behavior. So it's totally normal to want to try and reach out to him and get answers. The problem is, he doesn't want to give you any. It's too much for him, so he's taking the easy path by shutting you out of his life. He also probably feels that if he lets you in even a little, it would be giving you false hopes, so he has to be extreme about it. If that makes sense. Another thing to consider Anna is the discrepancy between his view of things and yours. Maybe he talked a good game for a while, but based on his actions he didn't see this connection the same way as you, otherwise he wouldn't be behaving the way he is. Sure, maybe some of his behavior is out of fear, but even when guys are scared, they don't just shut someone out completely the way he is you. He's on a different path than you. He's pursuing his career, and focusing on himself. He's being selfish because that's what he needs to do right now. So some of this is just bad luck too. Timing plays as much a part as anything. When two people meet, is just as important as them meeting in the first place. Both people have to be in the same place in their lives, and open and interested in the same thing. Otherwise, it doesn't work. We're sorry you are in such pain over this. Let us know if we can help you process this more. Take care.
yea.. i m trying! but i juzt cant help.. i cant live without him.. and he dont wants to even talk to me.. what shoul i do now? i m screwed up! its like there were so many problems coming together .. he got confused!! and he considers his bestfriend at the top most level.. so his bestfriend said not to talk to me! but i dont know what he wants? :'( i just feel like killing me! i just cant face him everyday in the cafeteria.. every1 says he is talking to his ex juzt to make me sad! feel sad! etc! once in septembr he said to my friend that u go n tell tanya that i have a girlfriend... even though he didnt had one! :( i dont know he loves me still or not! its like i cant judge him now! his words make me cry! his eyes says r u beliving someone else look i want u but cant because of my bestfriend and my ex! i m confused! i cant call him or talk to him! what shoul i do? should i suicide? i juzt want him!
I tried to tell him how I felt in person. I don't feel like explaining why that didn't work but because I work hard to express myself, I ultimately made an ass of myself by texting him my feelings. Sounds like a high school thing to do right? But I was scared. I was scared that since he wouldn't give me the opportunity to say what I wanted (for my benefit solely) in person, that I never would since I am moving. That wasn't a regret I wanted to live with-no matter how silly that may sound. So I texted him and of course he didn't respond. I wouldn't want him to respond honestly....because that would be more of a blow than him not talking in person. I hate feeling so stupid for sending a text but it was all I could do. I tried calling. I left a voicemail. I look back on those attempts and I am humiliated. I don't think I should be. I'm very legitimate and blunt and I wasn't looking for him to answer a certain answer-I wanted him to simply tell me why and then I could move on. All I wanted was for him to be honest-that is what i value. I love him and that may sound crazy. But he opened up to me for a time, and what I could see was the most genuine,beautiful person. Some people may think I am weird for these feelings but they are sincere. I tried to tell him even after these weeks of no contact. I realize he may have viewed that as stalkerish or abnormal but if he would have opened the door and let me say what I wanted, I wouldn't have had to send a text. I know he is capable of understanding beyond normal people-part of the reason we clicked so well. I now feel like I made a fool of myself by texting him those last times. I am happy for saying what I wanted to but am angry it was over a text. How could I even try to talk to him when he completely stopped talking to me a while ago? I'm happy things are looking up for him career wise-but he is isolating and closing himself off more. I told him I wished he wasn't scared of getting to know people. That's a terrible thing for me to say, out of line. I hope he wasn't upset/angry/offended by that-but he probably was out of defensiveness. But it is true. He started to get close to me and then (as stated above) you know the watered down rest. I can't help but feel, especially judging from his behavior, that I mean something to him. Who knows what but part of me thinks he doesn't know and decided he didn't want to figure it out. I can't ever know unless he explained-but he refuses to confront me on that. We hung out like two weeks ago because I wanted to and he let me come over. Awkward it was because he has known for a while how I feel, and he refused to explain why he cut me off. Even with the awkwardness, it was incredibly comfortable and natural hanging out with him. I don't know how he felt but Tom makes himself emotionally stoic to avoid that confrontation. I, unlike others he chills with, can tell he has a glaze over his eyes when hanging in public. A glaze that makes him appear quirky and goofy to everyone present-but because I understand him until he stopped letting me, I see the glaze as an internal retreat invisible to normal people. We didn't talk much that night-I can tell he goes out of his way to not express himself to me. But there is something unspoken between us that I know we both are aware of. I hate sounding cocky (if thats the right word-but it isn't a good word choice) by thinking like this. I am not stupid and maybe in the end, he had a crush and the thrill of the chase or whatever disappeared. I don't know and won't pretend to. I know this is all over the place but this topic is...something I feel at terms with. But something I cannot get over and I believe that is because it doesn't make sense. We get along so well, but maybe I just imagined that. I discredit myself because it makes me feel more realistic. I'm not a special girl or anything so I don't expect this to be made a big deal. He is simply a guy. It just happens to be, for reasons I don't fully understand, a humongous deal to me even weeks after he left my life. I will always be thinking of him in the back of my head. I want him to find what he is looking for and someone to heal his scars. I'm just scared he is undergoing a change internally that nobody can see (people are blind!) making him become more isolated and detached. I know this because I am the same type of person as him to an extent. He knows it-he is incredibly intelligent-but maybe he doesn't like that. Nothing happened to our friendship that would justify this. Why, when we were only friends, did he embrace that legitimacy and then shut it down in the way he did. I am friends with his friends and they hate Molly and say she is turning him into a hipster. I am simply rambling and do not even know if this is in a logical order. Can you answer me this-why do I want to try one more time to see him in person? is that wrong and from a guys perspective, annoying/forceful? You can't help who you care about. He obviously doesn't care about me and well that is how things are. My ex Drew thinks Tom loved me and everything that has happened scared him; his sudden chance of being a musician, his past, Molly likes him etc. Part of me thinks that but I refuse. If he cared about me, his actions don't match up. Nothing does. So I guess I want to know what you as a guy think about this whole situation. I really want to try one more time to see him-but I don't want to annoy him. Plus, I don't want to feel like a fool knocking on somebodys door that locked it when you walked up the steps....someone who said you were always welcome in that door. He knew specifically why I was coming over that night-and he would have rather hid in his house than have that conversation-a conversation I have to force him to have because he won't express himself. I don't understand many things and maybe all this amounts to is me reading way into something. His behavior says he doesn't want anything to do with me but he refuses to tell me why or explain himself at all. I know he is treating me specifically this way and nobody else. I, who knew him for only a few months, but we both knew we understood eachother on an abnormal level. yeah Yeah sucks for me to care about him so much and to think about this so much. I think poeple should give things their all-I just feel like I've bothered him enough. I wish he would have told me why he didn't even want to stay friends. In the end, it hurts to know you and this person can understand eachother more than probably anyone else ever met, but this person completely cut you off and goes out of their way to not be as legit with you. That isn't normal. Something happened, in his life/head/family/whatever, that he decided justified all this-but while he was off getting a new music career with a girl he told me he can't stand previously, I was left to finalize my plans to move to Finland out of sheer pain (not just from him-from my whole life here). I feel like this whole thing is just odd. I'm sorry for being all over the place. This topic depresses me and sometimes gives me false hope that I put away every day because it kills me. I hope he takes care of himself-he is practically starving. He just changed on me. I know there is a specific reason why-a reason he doesn't want me to know. Maybe....who knows. Whatever information you have, or advice, opinions etc, anything will be read with eager eyes and appreciated. You are a guy, I am a girl. I'm using this website to try and understand him better or from a different viewpoint. I know this isn't a real love affair that any person would see ever had value. But all I have to say, is I'm in love with him-but I am so hurt by many things, as we all are.
@Tommy......First you can try as hard as you can to be strong. With or without him. The thing is, he's got to come to his senses on his own. Is he the kind of person that believes anything someone tells him? It sounds like it. If he's so taken with his ex there's not much you can do about it. However, you need to be cool about this. If you get angry, or create drama he's definitely not going to come back. You have to show him that you're not like the rumors being spread about you. But ultimately he has to see it for himself. You can't make someone come back to you. They have to choose it. And if they don't, that means they've chosen something else and you have to be strong and move on. Give this a bit more time and see how it goes. Keep us posted and take care of yourself.
hey! i just cnt say him anything! :'( he is my life! it waz ol fr 7 months! :'( he hates me coz of his bestfriend! its like.. that 31st july i met him.. den he had a fyte wid some of my friends after i left d place. the person hated us together AND SAID something offensive.. i told him that nothing is true.. but the fight was kind off solved but then my friend turnes out to be a fake one and leaks my everything i was unaware of that fact.. she goes and says about that fight and kind off ol wat she knows abt me and my guy to that bitch (his ex) and then his ex types a message of full sarcasms and lies and bitching about me.. he gets irritated more then talks to his best friend who dont even knows me well says that u wont talk to tanya (my real name) if you do so i wont talk to u.. then he blocked me on facebook on phone and i got to know he hates me.. but i still love him.. and i dont know why his eyes says he still loves me.. i dont know why his eyes shows he loves me but coz of his ex and bestfriend he wont come.. his ex and he are now godd freinds.. and his ex keeps on talking shit! i just cant help! i want and i somhow feel he is confused.. or what .. what should i do? i feel like killing me! i jst want him to talk to me once.. some says he got bored of u.. some says he will come back.. some says he hatesu . but whenevr he sees me.. his eyes shows positiveness.. his word break my heart! i dont know what should i do? help please...
@Tommy.......We're sorry you're hurting so much. It's really hard for us to say what's going on in his mind. We wish we could tell you. How long did you go out for? Why did you breakup? How old are you and your ex? Also, we're wondering: If he abuses you why do you want him back?
i dont know whats gng with me... bt he hates me. completely abuses for me. bt still my friends say he will come back. he even met his ex and i feel like killing me. plz i just want him. i dont know why he left me. he still picks my call sometimes. i think he is hurt too. do u think will he come back. i know he loved me once. but what should i do now? some says he got bored of me. and his bestfriend said if u wil talk to her then i wont talk to you. he promised me that he will marry me. but i dont know where is he gone. i luv him. but i still have a hope. do u think he will??
@Lucrece...We thought we were being supportive. Sorry. We're not sure what you wanted us to say. We're listening to you, hearing what you say, but you asked for our opinion on his birthday response and we gave it. (Our interpretation was actually more positive than yours.) We should have just stuck to that. And actually we hate to see you in pain, or anyone who visits this site. In fact, we've helped a lot of people get through difficult times. Have you thought about talking to a professional? Counselor or therapist? That might help you. Just having someone listen to you. (You've probably already considered it.) The thing is Lucrece, sometimes we all need to hear things multiple times before we act. It's hard to know when it will kick in. Everyone has their own timeframe. Once again, we're sorry we weren't able to help. Take care of yourself.
Thanks for your input on the MSG. As for move on, don't take this the wrong way but I hate t when that's the advice ppl give to anyone that's is expressing this type of emotion. It's not that we don't know we should or what move on is, if we could, we've have done it and not be on this site or any similar sites at all. I cannot say its wrong, but I find this a bad way to go about helping someone in pain. Just expressing my opinion. It's been 2 yrs. I know very well what I should do and not do. I've learned to shield myself from certain emotions so I don't over react unnecessarily. I know he moved on. I know. And I'm not holding onto if he still feelings for me. But I'm a big believer in u got the ability to make things happen. Everyone does. Just timing. Doesn't mean I don't have future with him. And doesn't mean my future is based on what I had with him. It's gonna have to be new. New start. Just with someone u knew.
@Lucrece.......We didn't interpret his "ha ha" response the way you did. We've seen that a lot before. It seemed to us that he was happily surprised at your message, and thought it was cool. That's not an opening, but it wasn't bad response like you thought, or were worried about. What worries us is your state of mind about this whole situation. If being friends with him casually is hurting your self-esteem, and beating you up emotionally then you need to cut all ties and move on. We're sure the fact that he's living with his girlfriend probably doesn't help much. He's definitely moved on, and it might be time for you as well. If you're still thinking about his birthday, and sending him this kind of message it's clear that you're still very connected to him emotionally, which is not casual. So basically, if you can't feel neutral about him, maybe it's best you just moved on. What do you think?
So today is my ex's bday. Last night at 11:25. I recorded myself singing happy birthday and sent it to him via text. No other MSG. No MSG in the recording. Just straight up singing because I have nothing else to say to him because I know things aren't gonna change anytime soon to my favor. We met in choir back in hs so singing is normal for us. With in 5 min he txt back "haha. Thank you :)" is this good? Cuz I tend to over think when it comes to him. And I got kinda annoyed at the haha. Is he laughing at me? Or he doesn't give a shit. I think he doesn't give a shit. He's living with the gf now...so I figured he's prob celebrating with her... Which is another reason I only sent that, I don't wanna do too much when we r not together. It won't be valued anyways. Know what I mean? Ts just before you suggested I keep a casual relationship with him so if possible in the future I might have the chance to make that decision. It's just... I don't really like his response. Let me know what u think about what happened. Thanks.
@Gina....We're so sorry. This is hard. Okay, first of all, can you tell us how old the two of you are? It might shed a bit more light on this......We know this felt like a complete surprise to you, but that's how breakups work. He's been pondering this for quite some time. Trying to figure out how he feels, what he wants. He's probably been talking about it to his closest friends, or possibly keeping it all locked inside his own head like many guys do. We can't speak to the specifics of why he broke up, just that, many guys, when faced with this type of decision—a decision for the long haul like marriage—freak out. It's normal. No, we're not saying breaking up is normal, although that does happen; we're saying that it's a big deal to commit to someone for life and that some guys don't handle this well. Age plays a role in this, which is why we asked you about that. Here are possible reasons/outcomes: 1. This may be something he gets through when he realizes what he gave up, and that he really misses you and wants to be with you. If this is the case, you need to try and be understanding even though this may be very difficult for you. 2. Telling you he's not interested in marriage may just be an excuse to break up. He has other reasons he's not telling you. 3. It could be that he's just too young to contemplate all of this. (Yes, we know he was the one talking a lot about it, but he might have been more attracted to the "idea" and "fantasy" of it all, rather than the reality.) Our suggestion: Give him some space for a bit. (Week or two weeks.) Then try to reach out to him and get him to talk about this. You at least deserve more of an explanation than you've gotten up to this point. Fill us in some more and we'll share some more ideas with you. Hang in there.
Dear Guys, My ex boyfriend broke up with me a little over a week ago. It was like Chuck Norris walked in and roundhouse kicked me in the face. I was in total shock. I knew we were having some issues. Mostly dealing with marriage. Which is what makes this even more confusing so I will start from the beginning. My boyfriend started dating a year and nine months before the break up. We were awesome together and everyone noticed. About 8 months in he started asking my friends and family behind my back if it would be okay with them if he asked me to marry him. Of course they told me and I was super excited because I felt the same but didn't say anything because I figured he would do it in his own way and in his own time. About 5 months after the last 'talk' with one of my family members I noticed a seperation between us. So I asked him what was bothering him. He said his job was really stressing him out and that he wasn't sure of he ever wanted to get married or have kids and he knew those were things I wanted in life someday. I told him that he was just stressed out. That I understood he was younger than me (only by 3 years) and that we had time. We agreed to wait until he completed his degree (about a year left) until we approached that topic. I felt like that was fair. Two weeks after his discussion we went to visit his family and he mentioned that he could see us getting at least engaged before he finished his degree. I told him whatever felt right for him. I was here. It's been 3 months since that discussion and he did a complete 180! But without a warning. The night before he dumped me we were sitting on the couch watching the football game and he looked at me and said how much he loved our 'little family and our life' (talking about the two dogs and cat) I told him I felt the same way and I loved him more than he could imagine. Then the next day he came home from class and said the infamous words "we need to talk". He grabbed us both a beer and said that he even though all of our friends were getting married and having kids that did not interest him and that he knew I wanted those things some day and that we should break up. Just like that my world got turned upside down and twisted in a circle. Over the last couple days I told him that I still loved him and that we had time and we can try to reconcile this. At first he was open to it then two days later he said he needed time to think about if he wanted to do that. I have no idea what to do! Do I keep trying? Do I help him try? Is it even possible that he will want to try? I need a mans advice. Someone outside the situation that can give me an un-bias opinion. Please help!
@Anna......We can see this is hard. And complex. But what exactly is your question? Is it: Did he ever feel something for you? Will he change his mind and come back? Is this just about his big break? Does he love that other girl? Just let us know what you'd like for us to talk about and we'll respond with our opinion/s. Thanks.
This is my shortened story. I worked at Dominos Pizza and immediately liked this boy, who started working the same day I did. I was in a relationship and so was he. It was just a crush. However after my three-years with Drew, I broke up with him. That day, I was texting Tom from Dominos, and he then tells me he has the biggest crush on me (like everyone else)-as he termed it. We never dated, but immediately started hanging out more as friends. He went through a lot earlier in the year-his girlfriend whom he loved broke up with him and his best friend killed himself. These all happened before I truly was able to hang out with him. I couldn't believe he said he liked me but he texted me saying "I mean what I say". At that time, I don't tell him that I'm nuts about him-I keep it to myself and enjoy his company. I'm trying to make this short but he told me twice that he was in love with me. He told me he wanted to take care of me and that he wouldn't let me just walk out of his life-that I wasn't replaceable. There was a legitimacy to our relationship that was relieving and silent. None of his 'friends' ever saw us when we were like that. Over the course of a few months, me and Tom enjoyed each others company almost daily-and he opened up to me when he felt the need-and I knew that he was a hard person to get to know. He has been through a lot. I took him out to eat one day and he paid although it was my idea. This is all out of order but he told me I had met him at the wrong time in his life. I didn't know what he meant by that then. Another random thing: Once we were on his porch and saw a shooting star. We watched it and Tom quietly said "Annah, if the world ends right now then.." and he never finished his sentence. We just watched the star as it left our sight. One night he dropped me off and I was nervous. He eventually put his hands across my neck and I put mine on his waist. Of course I wanted to kiss him but couldn't be vain enough to even look at him. I shoved my head in his chest and we hugged. That, along with the Molly situation, is the point in my memory where he stopped talking to me. Molly is a girl who Tom now makes music with. She has a great voice and Tom is very talented on the guitar. As soon as they started playing together, he stopped interacting with me. His interaction got weird and he told me prior that he knew she was his ticket-that he didn't want to be a delivery driver all his life. I wanted/and still want him to pursue this because he needs this dream in his life. I finally told him how I felt and two weeks later, he said "by the way, I'm sorry Annah". We went to Summer Slaughter with some friends. It was slightly awkward and we somewhat conversed. That was August first and I texted him saying I hoped he was well. He responded and I told him I thought it would be cool if I could meet him at the right time in his life. He said "it would. keep in touch occasionally, i guess?" and I said that of course I wanted to keep in touch. I am moving to Finland and everybody knows it. I'm moving to leave this place and for the opportunity. I'm getting rid of a lot and two nights ago, gave Tom my guitar. I went to his house at midnight and we sat on his porch like we always did..I gave him the guitar and honestly thought I was supposed to leave after that. I said "well, have a good night" and he was like "woah, you are leaving?" and so I stayed for half an hour-till he said he wanted to go to bed. Our interaction was awkward since he doesn't talk to me anymore,and he knows how I feel. His eyes stay glued to the floor mostly.But at the same time, its so easy to be near him and there's no need to talk half the time. That night just proved to me that at the very least, me and him should be able to be friends still. We laughed and conversed and in the end, it wasn't much different from how we used to be. But I feel like he feels obligated because I gave him a guitar. He is moving to Charleston to pursue music with Molly soon, and I am moving to Finland for good. I can't force myself on him, nor would I ever want to. But I'm scared I won't see him again-and that he is just waiting to get me out of his life. My ex Drew, believes Tommy is in love with me but treating me this way because he is preoccupied and has his big break coming. I just want Tommy to be happy-that is why I've expressed myself to him without shame-and am letting him be. The rare few texts I send, he ignores. For myself, I believe he doesn't give a damn about me. But in the back of my head, I guess part of me believes he does. Theres more to say, but I don't think this needs to be longer than it already is. haha. What is your opinion?
@Kim.....A lot of time when exes come back it's because they're lonely or horny, and they forget why they broke up in the first place. But typically, these reunions are temporary, and then couples end up breaking up again. Sometimes people get back together after years apart. That's actually more common than what you're describing. Maybe after 5 or 10 years—maybe not always that long—people have grown, changed, and realize that maybe they'd like to start again, fresh. And this is when things can work out. But that's unusual. Much more typical is when people break up, come back together, break up, maybe have a short fling, then break up for good. Breaking up is a process like anything else. Take care and definitely keep in touch, and keep us posted.
Thanks for your speedy response! Okay. I will let him initiate contact. I have heard from so many different sources on what to do and I wanted to ask your guys directly--some say contact others say dont. I know he is stubborn and may never talk to me on his own so that has me worried. I read that online on a few sites. I just googled something along of lines of "do boyfriends come back?" And there were some articles saying that exes come back when its too late. We broke up for very silly reasons every time. The two that lasted (this is one of them) had something to do with trust and neediness in the most recent. Thanks again for the answer. I will keep trying to move on and I will not contact him.
@Kim.......Yes, men like to chase. But it depends what they're chasing for. Guys chase for three reasons. 1. sex 2. love 3. conquest. In your case, it's not about the chase because he pretty much knows he can get you back if he expresses that that's what he wants. But still, we agree that you should let him initiate contact. Your second question. No, boyfriends don't always come back. Where did you read that? It all depends on why they broke up in the first place. Sometimes it takes several breakups to finally make an actual break, but that's not really a guy coming back, but more of a faux breakup, followed by an actual breakup. People often come back together after a breakup. Sometimes those brief reconciliations are amazing. The sex is intense, everything seems fun, both wonder what the problem was in the first place. But sooner or later, all the issues come creeping back, and then they both realize why they broke up in the first place. We know you want some sort of definitive answer here, but unfortunately we can't give you one. But since you've asked a few times we'll tell you what we think: Our gut tells us it's time to for you to move on. But ultimately you have to make that decision. Take care. And hang in there.
Hey guys! Its me again... I just have a few basic questions: What do you think about the idea that men like the chase? (I have been told not to contact him even if it is a few months from now because men like to do the chasing) Are accusations a deal breaker? (I did not mention in my first post that I accused him of cheating. I have trust issues and I know that it was a horrible thing to do, but is it too much for guys?) Lastly, what makes guys come back? (I have heard from many friends and articles that ex boyfriends always come back.. but is that true? And what makes them come back? How many times is too many? We have broken up like 5 times--two were "real" and I am worried my chances are completely gone) I have come to the realization that I do need time for myself and that we were not jiving, but I do love him and I know I always will. I just would like to know if I should let go because it is a hopeless case THANKS! :)
@Lucrece.....Okay, well good luck and keep us posted. Take care.
Thought of that.
@Lucrece.......It could be a form of control. To keep you in a holding pattern why he's off doing what he wants. Have you thought of that?
I know what u mean. And honestly I've been trying to have fun. But do u know maybe what he is thinking? Why does he wanna remain in contact with me.
@Lucrece......Well, you can't make anyone actually come back, but you can remind him why you're great. (No, we're not saying tell him, just when he contacts you, try to be casual and fun.) A couple things to think about. Yes, you're young, and guys take even longer than women to mature. You don't say how young but we're guessing he's in his early 20s. That's pretty young to get seriously involved, especially when going off to college. What we're saying is, this could take some time to work itself out. Are you prepared for that? You say he cheated. Well, it's likely he just doesn't want to get serious. He wants to play the field. Are you okay waiting around for him to change? And the thing is, he may never change. It's hard to say. The best advice we can give you is to be open to new guys, but keep in touch with this guy very casually. If a time and place arise where the two of you are in the same town, and he initiates a reconciliation, then maybe you can give him another chance. The only issue with that plan, is it may keep you in a holding pattern where you're really not emotionally available to any other guys. And you might miss out on some nice opportunities. What do you think? ps. Thanks for spreading the word about our site. And if you found our advice helpful consider a donation to THE GUYS. No donation is too small or too large. Use PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site. Thanks.
Hey thanks. I'm the ex. Still in love with him. He left me cuz I thinks it's cuz he moved away to college and we just started fighting a lot cuz I cannot see him. Plus the new freedom, new friends, fun, college. You know. And he met someone that's in his school. And dump me on my birthday. Physically attracted. I think I know what u mean. When we ran into each other, he hugged me and kissed me on the head. Dig his head into my neck and just hugged me really tight. Every time he calls me, he tells me he knows news about me tho I blocked him on everything. I've changed a lot since the break up. Very out going verses the shy dependent girl he left behind. I wanna try to work it out. Even if he cheated. We were so young. I just still am super attracted to him. Dream about him everyday. Think about him every second. He told me he dreamed about me last wk. that was when we contacted for this month. Don't know when's the next time. It's always random. But he would just suddenly call me with a blocked number.... And always never say a thing when I pick up... Even tho I know it's him. He would always do it a few times till I txt is that u? An he would call me with a regular number and we would talk for hrs( more like him interrogating my updates...) I rarely ask him his update cuz I fear knowing... It will crush me. What can I do to have him back? Thank you.
@Lucrece.......Where do you fit in here? Are you the new girl? To answer your question: There is no time frame if he still has thoughts of her. Part of that has to do with how they broke up. Did he leave her, or the other way around? Why did they break up in the first place? Betrayal, or did they drift apart? A lot of times guys will get back with their ex if they're still attracted to her physically. (Which they often are.) It usually doesn't work out, although the reconciliation can last months. But usually, after a time, they both realize why they broke up in the first place. Does this help? ps. Please share our site with your friends. Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus. We'd appreciate it. Thanks!
In what situation will a guy ( who currently has a gf) go back to his ex? And time frame lets say, been 2 yrs since break up. Left ex of 3 yrs for new girl. Ex disappears for 8 months. The guy reach out to contact in all kinda forms every month. Ex never responded. Ran into each other one day. Started very limited contact (once a month). Basically what is the guy thinking? Is there future with the ex? He's still with the new gf btw.
@Kim....Him initiating contact? It's just a sense that he might based on all that you've shared, the on and off nature of your relationship. What did we mean? Relationships require work. You have to feed them, nurture them. But when it gets to the point when, no matter what you do, there's just another problem or issue lurking around the corner, it could be that it's not meant to be. Look, that's just what we see based on what you've told us. It just seems like at this point in your lives, something isn't jiving. When the tough times start to outweigh the good times, that's when it's time to reevaluate. We think this space will be good for both of you. (Like we said previously.) See how both of you feel in a month or two. And don't feel badly about asking questions. That's what this site is all about. And pretty soon we'll be relaunching a brand new site. Please keep in touch and check it out with your friends. Take care Kim.
Okay. I can handle a few months. What makes you say he will initiate contact before then? And I know there is a reason it was on and off, but I do think that it was just because we both needed space.. when you said "sometimes that’s two people trying to hold onto something that wants to change" what did you mean? Could it mean the relationship and the people need to change or its over? Sorry for the questions. I am just curious! I REALLY appreciate your great feedback and I will be sure to spread the word!
@Kim....Of course it's natural to want him. (And not pathetic. He's someone you've been intimate with on many levels for a long time. But space seems needed right now. We're not saying your goal is to be friends with him, we're saying start off by contacting him as a friend, and let it grow from there, if it's going to. Didn't you say something about a few months? That seems about right. And it's likely he'll initiate contact before then. You know, it makes sense for you to want him back, but you really need to think about this. The two of you have been on and off for a long time and that's obviously saying something. Sometimes relationships run their natural course and when things start to be "on and off again" sometimes that's two people trying to hold onto something that wants to change. Just something to think about.
Yeah I agree. And I am applying to med school so hopefully that will be what is next for me. I am worn out from this entire situation. It has been like 8 months of on and off, but it was never enough for me. That is why I beat myself up. We did talk everyday. We did have good conversation all the time. He did say he loves me and always did end up back with me, but I kept wanting more. I am just in a very transitional part of my life and would want more from him.. for example, we used to talk every chance we got, multiple times a day. But it ended with texts and then one phone call. I get he was busy, but because I was not it was hard to see. I miss him a lot. How long do you think "a bit" is before I contact him? And what would be best to say? He did say we could keep in contact, but I want him to want me as a gf. I do not want to be just friends. I do not need to know who he is with. Is it pathetic to want to win him back for the millionth time after months of on an off?
@Kim.....You're not as needy as you think. Maybe you could be busier. That might help redirect your mind on other things, but neediness is often a two-way street. We'll explain. When a person feels their partner—in this case your boyfriend—pulling away, then they hold on tighter. The person trying to pull away accuses the person who's trying to hold on of being needy. But it's a common reaction. And that's what we see here. He's busy, focused on school and work, and he's probably been more distant, possibly talking to other girls, so it's very normal for you to start feeling more clingy. The two feed each other. So yes, you are being needy, but he's part of that neediness. Yes, it's never a bad thing to take a hard look at yourself and try to make some adjustments or changes if needed. All of us are ever evolving creatures. (Well hopefully) But we see your situation more as two people naturally drifting apart. Which brings us to your question. It's not the changes you make to yourself that will bring him back, it's the way he perceives you in his mind. As he is out in the world without you, he will either start to realize he misses you and wants to try again, or he'll be happy that he's not involved with you anymore. We can't say what he will feel, but we will say it's going to take some time. We don't think it would hurt for you to reach out to him in a bit, more of a friendly gesture, at least at first. Let him know you're out there thinking about him, supporting him. But we also think you need to focus some of your energy on figuring out what you're doing in your own life. MOre school? Job? Etc. If you do that you're likely going to feel stronger. And strength is certainly attractive to all people, whether it's your ex, or some new guy. But stop beating yourself up over this. We know it's sad and we're sorry, but the blame—if you even want to go there—should be spread around. What do you think? Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it!
Hey guys! Okay so I had been with my now ex boyfriend for over 3 years. The relationship was long distance, but I was in college so it worked out fine. The last few months have been VERY rocky. Some were silly breakups and one was because I looked through his phone and asked about a chick. We got back together after every one. Recently, he requested a break because I was being kind of pushy with talking. I have moved back home and have been significantly less busy, and sadly more needy. So we went on a break. Basically he was getting distant because I was getting more in his face. I had stopped growing as a person and put all of my effort into him, if that makes sense? When we started talking again things were fine, but we werent "officially" back together. We were working back towards that so we didnt rush and mess things up like before. So when I went to visit him I brought up that random girl again after I had been drinking even though I do not think he would cheat. He said he could not do it anymore... He is working all day and going to class for 6 hours a night. He said it was too much. I understand that and I know I need to work on myself and grow up and not be so dependent and needy, but do you think he will ever come back? He has every other break up and I do love him. I know you cant ever know for sure, but we both care about each other. He said he loves me and will miss me... We are both very young (I am just out of college and he is in grad school) but I do want him in my life, prefferably as a boyfriend. Could I contact him in a few months? Or does that go back to the needy thing? Or will he contact me if he wants to talk? Im confused. thanks, kim
@JA....We're sorry. This sounds very difficult. Hang in there. And did you have a question?
Hi Guys: I was in a 2 year relationship, things were up and down. But finally they were amazing, until he took a trip abroad. His parents apparently found out that he was dating me (someone from a different religion) and began to try to get him married off, and introducing him to other girls. We wouldnt be able to go out without them calling and harassing every minute. Finally I had enough and told him his parents need to know, as we cannot enjoy our time together, after delaying it for months. His father had a minor heart attack and my ex told me he couldn't put his parents through this. I broke down and told him, we were done; he reassured me that he would do one more thing to convince his parents....low and behold, a week later he is with another girl from his same religion (not his type at all) and posting pictures, etc. He emailed me after I posted a sad video to tell me we were over for a while, hopefully we can reconnect in the future, and that he has moved on (this is now ~2.5 weeks, since we last met...I have gone NC 3 weeks prior to this meeting) When I asked him he says that he is with her for revenge. There is going to be some sort of twist and to keep my eyes open, meanwhile he is crying and telling me he loves me. When I called him after that, he told me to move on and how can i have hope, and that he isn't over me. I haven't been able to function, I don't know what to make of this. This whole revenge thing, etc is a lot for me to bear. He talks about the future, and being with me; but he talks about me moving on too. Other than the whole religion thing, and arguments based on his parents interrupting our time together there were no further issues in our relationship.
@Bella......We're sorry. You both messed up. He should never be telling you what other people are saying about you. That shows a major lack of maturity and understanding of how people think. We're kind of shocked actually. And yes, you shouldn't have fought back and said what you said, because now you've said things and you can't take them back. But honestly, we can understand why you lashed out at him. He's not treating you with respect frankly, and you feel defensive. We picture a cornered animal scrapping to stay alive. Now having said that you probably know what would have been a better response. Telling him how his words made you feel. Blah, blah. Everyone knows that, but sometimes we just can't help ourselves. Like parents at a sporting event, that blow up at other parents. That shit happens. Bella we're going to be honest here since we feel like we kind of know you now. This relationship is not working at all. The two of you are like Wolverines with your claws ready to come out at any moment. Once a relationship gets to that point it's virtually impossible to get back to a harmonious place. Can it be done? It's possible, but highly unlikely. We really think you should try to take what you learned from this, and apply it to the next person. He may come back and tell you he loves you, and things might even be good for a bit again, but all of this stuff will still be floating around. Because it's the way you interact now, the way you've interacted in the past, and the way the two of you clash on many levels that make us think it's time to move on. We're not abandoning you Bella, what we're saying is, you're strong enough to make the break, surround yourself with people who care about you, and get on with your life. That's just how we see it. Obviously you've got to do what you've got to do. We'll support whatever you decide, if that means anything. Take care.
Hi Guys, thanks for all your advice yesterday it was very helpful. i may of messed up though. my ex rang me last night saying he didnt want to hear from me for a few weeks he really needed to think about whether us getting back together could happen but then he started to tell me all the horrible things his friends and family have been saying about me and i started to get upset and i brought up the girl from facebook and how hurt i was he added her when i would know who she was. I then said that he has done to much and that i wanted him to leave me alone and stop messing with my head. I then hung up and left it for a couple of hours and sent him a message explaining that he has humiliated me to his family and friends and that i couldnt forgive him for doing all this and he has shown that he doesnt really care. i asked him to leave me alone for a while to work on how i feel and to please stop his friends from giving out about me. i then said we will never get back together that he blew it this time. my question is have i pushed it too far did i react badly? i really do want to get back with him but have i blown it? please help
@Bella....If you say something he's going to think you were snooping and accuse you. If you don't, you're going to wonder. Not sure what to tell you. But what it says to us is, he's out checking out other possibilities. How serious he is about this girl, is the question. But it does kind of go against what he said to you—how great things have been between the two of you. Don't you think? As this unfolds you're going to get more and more information to think about and sort through. Keep your eyes open, proceed with caution, and keep checking in with your gut. And don't worry about asking us questions. We'll help if we can. Once again, you can help us out by spreading the word. Friends, Facebook, whatever. Thanks! And keep us posted.
Well I have one more question sorry but early on in our relationship maybe the first three months and we weren’t official. My ex boyfriend was out for drinks with one of his friends and his friends girlfriend and her friends and my ex was getting on well with one of the friends. So I think she gave him her number and a few weeks later I seen a message in his drafts to her that said “ he had a few drinks on him and he was finally getting the dutch courage to text her” I only seen it by accident when I was sending a message for him I don’t even think he knew it was in his phone. I was upset but because we weren’t official I only mildly gave out to him and left it at that. But I recently noticed that he has added her as a friend on facebook I don’t know if they are in contact but my question is how do I react to this? Do I say something or so I leave it?
@Bella...This may now be beyond our scope, meaning we can't see into his heart to know how he's really feeling. That's more on you to know. But we do believe if your gut is telling you that he's worth fighting for then you should do just that. There's nothing worse than regret in this life, and if you didn't see this through to whatever end it's destined for, you'd be left wondering. The Plan: We think you need to be in touch frequently. Start by telling him how you feel, what you want, what you plan on doing to work on yourself, and what the two of you need to do—couples counseling perhaps. When you lay this on him it may be a heavy load for him to carry. If he freaks, or starts making excuses, or puts this on you, well then it's time to reevaluate. Because we feel strongly that if he lays all of the blame for your breakup on you, then he's not committed to a serious relationship even if he says he is. Because it takes two to tango as they say. Until he sees his contribution to the split, this isn't going anywhere. But don't start with the blame game. Tell him how you feel and work from there slowly. Get to know each other again. Go on a date. And he needs to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. One note of caution: Please keep your eyes open to how he conducts himself and what he says. Don't settle for a man that isn't going to love you and respect you the way you should be loved and respected. And the way that you love and respect him. And we'd suggest curtailing the sex for now. What do you think?
Well I guess I really do want to try again and be a better person and girlfriend I just don’t know how to show him. My gut is telling me there is something here that’s worth fighting. What do I need to say or do? Im just lost I don’t know what way to handle any of this. Do I let him decide when or where we meet and I keep it cool or how do I show him that I can be better without pushing him further away? And do you honestly think by stuff he is saying about us getting on great and wants to get back with me that he genuinely is hoping that we work things out or am I just easing his loneliness.
@Bella...The one lesson that stands out here. (And not to be preachy really, but something to percolate on at some point down the road.) We all need to be careful about what we choose to tell our friends and family about our partner—boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse—because as you know, often reconciliation happens, and then you realize that you were just blowing off steam, but now these people you've told have internalized all the "bad" stuff you've said. It's with that, that he created this situation, and now it's a long road back; and if he's not completely 100% on board to righting the ship well then, it's going to sink. So that's how we see this. What is his commitment to this? Is this a relationship that's run its course, or is this one in a holding pattern, destined to land safely? That's the question only you can answer. Maybe he's being manipulative, maybe not, but how it's playing out right now is not leading to your desired outcome, which is to get back together and have things be wonderful. And with all that you know and feel, do you think it will work, do you want to try again? What is your gut telling you? ps. Thanks for spreading the word about us. Really, we appreciate it. And of course we always appreciate a donation no matter how small or big!
Hi, wow thanks for your input your really after hitting the nail on the head your completely right his family and friends initially accepted me but the first couple of times my ex and I broke up he said a lot of bad stuff about me to everyone and they then found it difficult to really warm to me. I suppose maybe I should say a few more things. We are both in our late twenties. I suppose people like his friends and family only see the nice guy and I guess me being painted in a bad light mainly by him on the couple of occasions that we broke up. I agree I don’t think it was a knee jerk reaction to move out I think that the fights were playing on his mind before we had that final fight. But I was getting in fights with him about him going out with his friends and away on boys weekends which looking back I shouldn’t of. He says he still loves me and he would love to take me back because we have been getting on brilliant for the past month but he thinks it would be false and we would just fall back into old habits. He said I need to work my issues out and that’s impossible in such a short amount of time. Do you really think he is over me? Do I sound like I’m making excuses to justify this two day a week arrangement. He doesn’t want to tell anyone because after moving out and only living together for 6 weeks its sort of embarrassing and to be honest I don’t want to tell anyone either I think my family and friends would be very disappointed with me and then if we did tell people and it not work out it looks terrible. Am I being stupid and taking for a ride? Your advice is brilliant thanks so much ill definitely be telling everyone about this site and making a donation.
@Bella.....This helps explain some things. Okay, here's what we see. His gut reaction to your fight and subsequent moving out were not as knee-jerk as one might assume. He's been feeling this way for a while based on his issues with you. (Which to us don't seem like much). Basically he's choosing his friends over you, and they're all happy about it. That's not a good sign. Look, people argue and fight Bella. That's normal. And usually with time, couples figure out a way to resolve problems without the drama that happened early on in the relationship. We don't blame you for feeling a bit insecure about him going out with friends without you, because your gut is telling you what we're seeing. He's choosing them. Because in a healthy relationship it's good for people to have friendships outside the relationship. But only when there's a solid foundation and solid trust in the primary relationship. That's what's missing for you, and that's why you feel the way you do. And it's likely you've always felt a bit excluded when he has had family gatherings. We can see how this played out. (Let us know if we're off) Maybe you were invited to family gatherings early on, you went, a bit nervous, only to have your fears founded when you were accepted, but maybe not really. They were polite but not warm. After that you didn't really want to go as much. Maybe this same thing happened with his friends. As if you were there, but not there at the same time. If this is the case, then this whole situation is more about how he includes you rather than your lack of interest or inability to be included. So don't let him twist this whole thing around and put in on you. That's just likely a way to break up with you without feeling guilty like we originally said. Our advice: Sure, it's always important to look at yourself and figure out how you can make some "improvements" but it's not good to assume blame and beat yourself up, especially when the "blame" should be spread out as we see here. We say don't change for him. Change because you feel you need to change. This guy has some work to do too. And his resistance to doing that work only tells us he's moved on. We're really sorry. That's why we don't think a twice a week sexual relationship is good. The fact that he doesn't want anyone else to know is a serious red-flag. Look, we hate to be a downer, but we think you really need to think long and hard about whether this guy is really a good fit for you. Your thoughts? Please keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.
Sorry I should say we the fight that lead to our split was we were away with our friends and I wanted to find out where we were staying but he wouldn't call his friend to ask him so i started nagging him and eventually he told me to f@#$ off in front of his friends. We didn't talk that night and he walked out the next day and said he had enough of me being so controlling and moody.
Hi guys thanks for getting back so quick. Well like I said we were together 2 years and had broken up maybe two times before but for nothing longer than a couple of days. We had just moved intogether 6 weeks and had a fight and he stormed out of the house home to his parents and didnt contact me for a few days then came in and moved all his stuff out. I was devastated about the whole thing and he cancelled our lease so I had to move out to. This all happened in about three days. So we are a very temperamental couple wefiight but make up quickly. I started to get very possessive of him and insecure about him going out with out me. And I suppose I started to take him for granted. He wants me to be more friendly to his friends and make more of an effort with his family and I suppose make him more of a part of my family. And not get moody as my h if he is late. I don't know what to do. He says he wants to take me back but he doesn't believe I have changed or that I can changed. His friends are all rooting against me. He said he would consider it nearer Christmas when I have had time to work on my issues. But I don't know how to show him I am changing and should i keep the link between us by meeting up every week?? Thanks for your help.
@Bella.......You'll have to give us a little more information. (If you're comfortable doing that. We understand either way) What exactly did you do? Why do you have to prove anything to him? Why did you ultimately break up? Our first reaction to your new arrangement is NO. Now he's kind of taking advantage of the guilt you feel. He knows he can get sex from you a few times a week and still be free to shop around. That's not going to lead to much really. He's basically getting his needs met while he's out looking for something better. If you need to prove something to him do it outside of the bedroom, otherwise you're just a booty call, or possibly a FWB. Your thoughts? Fill us in?
I have a question and I need your help. I was with my ex boyfriend for 2 years when he dumped me and moved out of our house that we had only been living in for 6 weeks. That was 6 weeks ago. We were fighting a lot towards the end and I was becoming very insecure and possessive. We didn't talk or see each other for a couple of weeks but then we started texting and slept together a few times that all started a few weeks ago. He says he misses me and wants to keep seeing me without anyone else knowing maybe once or twice a week but that he can't believe I've changed and he definately won't take me back until at least Christmas which is three months away. I did a lot wrong in the relationship and I know I did and I have told him that I want to be a better person and prove it to him. It hurts because he wants to keep sleeping with me but go out and see other girls. My question is what do I do? How do I act? Should I keep seeing him a couple of times a week in the hope that I can prove to him I'm serious about becoming a better person. Do I let him initiate contact? I just need some guidance. Help I'm broken hearted.
@Sarah.......Well, good luck. Keep us posted and have a great school year!
Completely agree so I decided not to say anything to him. I just received a "wish you all the best, hope you have a good school year..I'm always here text" from the ex. I never replied and I don't plan too. I realized that I never really gave him any legit space..we've seen each otther 5 times within the past 4 weeks so he didn't completely experience life without me. I'm hoping that my time away in a different city will make him realize how life without me really is..and hopefully help him realize his feelings about me.
@Sarah......Not sure if we agree with that sentiment. Your friend's that is. We're not feeling this is a great situation for you in general.
Last night I actually picked up my friend from work (also my ex's good friend) and he told me to come inside and hang out because my ex was coming. I told him how he never messaged me back after I slept over and he said "well did you message him?...YOU didn't message him either" he made it seem like I'm the one who was suppose to message my ex and that I'm the bad guy here.
@Sarah.....Why? Because......He's either confused about what he wants or he knows exactly what he wants or doesn't want but is afraid to tell you. Or he's just plain inconsiderate. Those would be the only options we can see.
I understand what you're saying but at the same time he already knows how I feel, I feel like if I tell him how I feel again, it's just going to annoy him. If he claims to still love me, why hasn't he messaged me after I spent the night?
@Sarah......Just be honest. Telling someone you care about them and love them is not being needy. Telling them you can't live without them is. THe thing is Sarah, he's going to have his own interpretation of what you say. Because how he "hears" you is more about where he's at. You could try to word it in the most casual way possible and he might feel like you're trying to get your claws in him. So once again, this is about him. You can't force him to think or feel a particular way. All you can be is honest and then see how the chips fall. We wish we could give you concrete advice on exactly what to do, but it just doesn't work that way. Right now you're just going to have to wait and see. Hang in there.
I really don't know what to think, he mentioned a couple weeks earlier he "doesn't want a relationship right now, it's too hard"...but we've been together for so long so it doesn't make sense. Why give up on something when you love them? He even cried when he broke up with me. Also he has a surgery coming up in 2 weeks for his shoulder..and I really want to be there for him. He knows exactly how I'm feeling when I told him weeks ago, he knows that I love him and he knows that I want to be back together. How do I go about talking to him without seeming needy?
@Sarah.......We understand this is really confusing, but we're not sure what your question is. We're assuming you're wondering what he's thinking and how you should proceed, so we'll go with it. Correct us if we're wrong. Here we go. He has no idea what he's thinking or feeling. He cares about you, he wants to be single, he's attracted to you, wants to have sex with you, doesn't want a relationship, wants to see other girls, in essence the whole gamut of emotions. We definitely urge you not to get into a hook up situation with him, or some kind of Friends with Benefits situation. That will lead nowhere fast.(Watch our video on the topic.) In fact, it does seem like he's more interested in you when he's horny. That sounds worse than it is. It's normal for guys, even married guys, to be more affectionate to their partners when they're in the mood. However, most of those relationships have much more going for them than just sex. So first off, you need to ask your guy straight out what his intentions are. He won't be happy about this, but that's okay. Have the talk anyway. If he freaks out, or tells you that you overanalyze everything, well then, you'll have your answer. (He's not into a relationship with you.) You see Sarah, you can't change who you are. He needs to accept you for who you are. That doesn't mean he has to like every thing about you. (That's a fallacy.) But he does need to be willing to work with you on issues. If that's too difficult for him, or he's unwilling to do it, well then it's time to move on. What do you think? Ask us as many follow up questions as you'd like. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Hey guys, So to start off with, me and my ex-boyfriend have been together for a little over a year and things were amazing. He always talked about getting married and having kids with me and everything seemed perfect. I go away to school and that has never been a problem and our relationship was very strong during my university school year. We've had a lot of problems with communication and it has always been a "let me not say anything and brush it off" kinda thing up until every little thing builds up and either one of us explodes. Other than that issue, we never really had any major problems. In June, I had some family over from North Carolina and I happened to randomly just decide to go back with them for a week or too..I had told my boyfriend that I was planning to go but I was talking about in a few weeks from then. I didn't see him before I left because he was at work but I messaged him continuously till I left the country. I would facebook him any chance I could and then one day, he asked me to call him and he was being crazy. Saying things like "I don't know about this anymore, I'm going crazy" i told him to calm down and i'll call him back so we can talk. He basically said that me being away from him was really hard and it made him think about past situations and he was feeling unsure about us. We ended up talking it through and I came home the next day. I kind of was upset that I had to leave to go back to him, so I was being very rude to him and I know it was wrong but I really didn't know why I was acting like that. He eventually got fed up and said he want's to break up...I obviously panicked and went to his place and talk and we talked it out. Things were going good after that and we both were working on our communication problems. And then 3 weeks after, the last week we were together, he was being very distant and not calling me "baby" or saying "i love you", i asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. The next day he broke up with me saying he didn't know how he was feeling, he can't explain it but how he feels like this is what he has to do and he needs to be alone and that he loves me so much and he hates himself for doing this but how it isn't fair to me if he stays with me because of what he's feeling. I left him alone but i did the whole begging thing a couple days after.. :( he said i made him happy but overall he wasn't happy with the relationship. Said we talked TOO much and when you talk to much, a lot of problems happen. He also mentioned that he kept getting mad at me for every little thing and how that wasn't right. I left him alone and I messaged him a week later and we hooked up one night..it wasn't awkward but it was definitely different. He told me that he didn't want us hanging out to be a reason to hold on and that he doesn't want to hurt me more than he already is. Said he didn't mind talking to me but he doesn't wanna talk everyday. I left him alone completely after that. Another thing, I'm very close with his friends and they always ask me to hang out..I ran that by my ex and he didn't mind me hanging with them. A week ago, my father had a heart attack and my ex found out through one of his friends..he offered to come to the hospital with me and be there. I ended up going to his place to talk about my dad and i ended up sleeping for a bit in his room. Nothing happened and I left. He came with me to the hospital a couple days after and It wasn't awkward at all..we were talking fine and things felt good. A couple days after, it was his friend's birthday and his friend invited me to come over and drink. I came over and my ex was there but we barely talked..he just sat beside me the whole night and he was drunk. He ended up sitting down infront of me outside on the patio and he started rubbing my feet and legs since they were cold...an hour after I went home. The next day his friend did a birthday thing at a club and we all went. My ex actually drove my car with me and his friend as well as my friend in the car. We had a good time and of course..we hooked up at the club..couldn't keep our hands off of each other. We went back to his friends place to chill for a bit and I asked my ex if he wanted me to come over (my friend told me she texted him to see if he wanted me over and he said yeah) and he said sure. I went over and we slept with each other and cuddled and fell asleep. We woke up in the morning and I left to go home and haven't talked to him since..It's been 3 days and we've been broken up for about 3 and a half weeks. I leave for uni in a week and he knows exactly when I'm leaving..I want him back but I really don't know what's going on. Sarah.
Yes! I will. Thanks for trying to help out :)
@Michelle.....He might look back, and possibly regret things, but hopefully at some point, you won't. As per dating: Nothing wrong with online dating. It's a very viable way to meet people these days. You do what you gotta do. Well, we hope we helped a little. Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going with you, and if anything more comes of this. And ask another question anytime. Take care of yourself.
Oh I am awesome. Which is why I do not understand why it seems so hard for me to find someone. Yes, I have baggage. Hell, we all have baggage. I feel like people are so quick to judge people its ridiculous but, thats the way life works huh? I do challenge, but I am also very loving, affectionate. I do almost anything for anyone. Haha, I am definitely not vanilla. Thats for sure. However, in the sack, I can be quite submissive haha but we won't go too far. 'E' and I did have the sex talk and we talked about the things we liked, didn't like, our fantasies etc etc...and they matched to a 'T'. I actually still fantasize about sleeping with him. I feel like the sex could have probably been the best I ever had. I am independent but at the same time I do look for approval from others of some sort. Yes, the 'wow factor'. I want someone who can be my best friend, no lies, or secrets...basically I want what I had with him...but obviously for the commitment and sex to be added. I am definitely open to meeting new men and have had a drunken 'hook up' since, because I was pretty depressed. I have talked to other men, but nothing clicked. The ones I thought would click kind of 'fell off'. But thats what happens with online dating. Why I am online dating?? I live in a SMALL town. Nothing to do andnot many people here I don't know. So meeting someone is pretty hard where I am from. It seems like my only option. I am strong. I could sit here and tell you things and you'd probably wonder how I am even still kicking, but I am and I will. I just hope one day "E" looks back and regrets being...a tool. :)
@Michelle.......You sound like a very interesting and fun person. We agree with you. Don't settle. You deserve to be with someone who's going to give you everything you give him. We also agree with your assessment of why he's with that other girl. Some guys don't want to be challenged. It's too much for their ego to handle so they'll settle for a woman they can dominate. (Not necessarily in an abusive way, but more of a 'get their ego stroked' kind of way.) This girl fits the bill. She's not a threat to him in any way and we think you were. Some guys will just bail because of it. Weird, but true. We also stand by our original take on this. His words were just that, words, based on his fantasies and who he thought you were. Once he realized you were actually a complex human being he decided the fit wasn't right. We're not saying your more complex than other people, we're saying that he wants the vanilla woman and our take is, that's not you. Correct us if we're wrong. We know you're looking for the "wow factor" so to speak, and we say, you'll find it, but the search continues. Try to be open to new possibilities if that's possible. And the last thought on this, sometimes we don't get the explanations we're looking for. Sometimes we just have to move on. It's hard, but you sound strong. So go for it. Let us know if you have any other questions. ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
As far as him and her. I think that she possibly didn't challenge him the way I did. I think she was more 'go with the flow.' Then I was. I think she couldve pretended not to care...leading to him choosing her. When he stopped talking to me and blocked me from FB and everything. He made the comment that he was blocking me because he didnt want me to pick apart things that would be on his facebook after our 'split'. He also made the comment about how any guy would be lucky to have me and that he figures I will be seeing someone before him, so I will probably move on before he does? Which kind of doesnt make sense to me either. I kind of feel like she might have been the reason that he cut off ties with me in the first place. Who knows? Maybe she had sex with him the first night they met and it was good, so that made him choose her thinking there was more 'sexual' chemistry there. I am not sure. I would have rather him tell me I am a 'fat ugly whore' or something then just POOF. I also would have rather had him TRY and FAIL then not try at all. I mean hell. When we were still talking, he was in the process of moving into a house with some friends. He said a few times that he couldnt wait until he moved so I could come over and stay and meet his friends. He thought I would be a perfect match with his boys.. blah blah....its just....a mess.
As far as him and her. I think that she possibly didn't challenge him the way I did. I think she was more 'go with the flow.' Then I was. I think she couldve pretended not to care...leading to him choosing her. When he stopped talking to me and blocked me from FB and everything. He made the comment that he was blocking me because he didnt want me to pick apart things that would be on his facebook after our 'split'. He also made the comment about how any guy would be lucky to have me and that he figures I will be seeing someone before him, so I will probably move on before he does? Which kind of doesnt make sense to me either. I kind of feel like she might have been the reason that he cut off ties with me in the first place. Who knows? Maybe she had sex with him the first night they met and it was good, so that made him coose her thinking there was more 'sexual' chemistry there. I am not sure. I would have rather him tell me I am a 'fat ugly whore' or something then just POOF. I also would have rather had him TRY and FAIL then not try at all. I mean hell. When we were still talking, he was in the process of moving into a house with some friends. He said a few times that he couldnt wait until he moved so I could come over and stay and meet his friends. He thought I would be a perfect match with his boys.. blah blah....its just....a mess.
Well. I am actually the most honest and open person anyone could meet. Everywhere I go I make new friends. I could go to a bar alone and be friends with the entire place before I leave. I have been through a LOT of things in my life. I made sure to tell him those things when we first began speaking and he said those things made him appreciate me more. As far as opening up to people, I can open up to people but I am very good at not getting invested in people because of being hurt so much. But it doesnt stop me from meeting people or making friends. However I am wisely with the people I do keep in my life. I am more like a guy than a girl in the sense that I can close my feelings off pretty easily and not 'get attached' to people. Example: I was kind of seeing this guy before I met 'E' and we were seeing each other, and sleeping together. He was a very nice guy, but neither of us were invested in the relationship. Especially because we were both into other people more and we decided to go our seperate ways. I couldve cared less. We havent spoken since and it hasnt phased me. As far as how I feel about myself....I could definitely feel a little better about myself. Its not that I am not happy with who I am because I am. I am very happy with the way I look, I was blessed with great assests, a beautiful smile, a beautiful brain. I graduated college with a 3.9. I love sports and can challenge any guy with sports knowledge, drinking, and I can be sarcastic and joke around. The only things that I am unhappy with is just the way/events in my life. Example, I was dated raped, my dad is an alcoholic who emotionally abuses, I went through a hard time with a friend, and I have been having a tough time finding a good job in this economy. Other than that, aka things I cannot control, I am happy. I am kind of unhappy with the way relationships have gone. But I havent really had many. I KNOW the kind of person I am. I know what I want and know what I need. Which is why I have never had a real relationship. Because I will not settle. I want that fire. And this was that fire. He said he felt it too. But then he didnt? I dont know. You say he isnt coming back, but can you clarify more of why you think he will not come back? I guess what hurts the most is that I am super confused that he didnt even give it a chance. I feel like he found one thing wrong, decided that he still liked me enough to keep me around, but then when I 'couldnt' handle it he bailed. I dont get how someone could talk to someone that much and open up that much but not want things to develop more. I mean maybe this other chick is awesome. She isnt educated, shes pretty....unattractive. So its rather confusing to me. I am not really sure to ask. My mind is all over the place.
@Jane.......We're sorry this is so painful and confusing. We don't know him personally—although, now we're very curious to know if we've heard of him—but this sounds like a pattern with him. He meets girl, becomes infatuated, gets excited, starts making plans, things become real, gets cold feet, needs time to think, breaks up, blames it on her. He might say you are different than every other girl he's dated, but what do you think he's said to all the other girls? You also have to wonder why he's still single in his 50s. Or divorced, or whatever. It just seems like here's a guy who runs in the world where looks mean everything, and that's how he thinks now. And let's say you stay together. What happens in ten years when you don't look the way you look now? Then what? Will he even be more critical of you then? You say this is a small issue and that he's wonderful in so many other ways, but we disagree. This is a huge issue. It shows his true character, and that he will be very difficult to be with and live with. We think the question is not, will he come back, the question is, when he comes back should you take him back? We think you really need to think long and hard about this. Your thoughts? Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you'd like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Hi - grateful if you could give me an honest male perspective. apols for the length of message...ive never messaged a message board like this before but going out my mind. ive been having a long distance rel with a guy who is in his early 50s and famous(i am mid 30s) (in another european coutry). We met in that european country whilst i was on hol ( my origins are also from that country so i speak the language v well and he speaks e nglish), and i didnt know who he was for a month of dating him, he never told me and just alloswed me to fall for him the normal person which i did. in that time he completely swept me off my feet, not in a material way as such but just telling me that i was unique, beautiful and that i made him happy, that he could imagine having family together and a life together. i have met his parents several times, and all of his close friends and immersed instantly in to his life. as a couple. everything was whirlwind and amazing, i wanted to already move to that country and had been making plans to before we met, and after we met he was actively encouraging me to do that, and asked me to move in with him when i do (end of sept). because he is in showbiz,and massively successful image is important he really looks after himself and his life is very much in the fastlane and run on his terms and very much how he wants it... this is what had started causing some probs for me. the fact that everything i feel is on his terms, me fitting in with his plans is something i am not used to. the tables are not the other way. he has also been making remarks about my appearance, and how i could lose some weight even tho i am a size 4 and 1m79. i am not a model now, but used to when i was in my 20s and consider myself attractive and self confident. the personal digs about him preferring my hair one way and not another, him not liking me wearing make up coz he says i am beautiful enough and dont need to... had been getting to me. despite his niceness in so many other ways, like cooking dinner for me, being romantic and making me feel very much part of his life from day 1. in the times we hadnt been together he would skype and call every day to be close to me and he said 'need to feel close to me". then... one night at a social do where cameras and paps were about and where i was on show in front of his crowd, i asked him how i looked in an outfit which id only worn coz hed said earlier that day he liked it, and he said that some of it he did like and some of it he didnt... it upset me, made me feel insecure, and afterwards i got upset with him on way home about it, becuase of the other comments about my image hed been making had all got to me. we had an argument where i said his comments hurt my feelings, he said he was just truthful and being himself, didnt apologise... and since then... things have been different. the magic seems to have gone for him, and he says its because i complain. the fact is i dont complain about anything except how he talks to me when he says hurtful tings about my appearance. the more i sense things have changed, the more it makes me feel insecure about us. we spent another two or three weeks intensely together, coz he then flew to my country for work... but despite some days being amazing, i sensed a distance developing. i flew back for a week to be at a family function with him, and bought up this sense of distance that something had changed...and he said he doesnt know how he feels about me and needs some space to think and wants me to think as well. he said he didnt want to feel resposible for me if i were to move to his country ( i have never asked him to be that), yet he was the one making all these plans and asking me to move in with him initially, because according to him it made no sense for me to have my own flat if i were to move to his city. so he has gone on a beach holiday with friends for 10 days to have some space away, before he starts working on an intense showbiz project as soon as he gets back - i told him not to contact me whilst he was away, that he would only know how he felt truly if he had this break and that i would too. but he called after just 36 hours because he was thinking about me and felt sad that he knew i was sad. he told me he was having a good time on hol but that he was still undecided and so up and down and confused about his feelings for me. he said he doesnt know why he behaves like he does and was thinking it through.he said we would talk in a few days. (he gets back on 28th, packs and goes to the other prject on the 29th for ten days (which he had initially invited me ti accompany him to, but which i said i wasnt sure about going to if we had this distance.) i get the feeling other woemn he has dated have been with him for his fame and that they have just slotted in to his life and been a companion. because i donyt know him originally as being famous, for me it is about him as a person and about how we get on. i am not a woamn who just conforms or with somebody for what they provide for me, im with them because how they make me feel andvice versa. so. i guess what i am saying is... why do you think hes had these cold feet and now needs to think? how should i approach the chat with him when we do have it? if he hasnt called next tuesday should i call him? or wait and give him more time? should i assume its over and get on with my life? i want it to work as the small things are so small in comparison to the bigger picture of how we get on 80 per cent of time. i know he has had a lot of rels in past which havent worked.. and he said that he feels a failure becuase this isnt working of late, he says i am a beautiful person inside and out, that everyone who has met me who he has introduced me to, knows that and sees that, and that i am a very decent lovely person. he said that i dont deserve to feel sad, that he doesnt understand why he is so up and down about me and thats why he wants the time to figure it out as the past few months have been so intense because we have spent lots of intense time together. i told him i wanted to end things and he said that we shouldnt that this was just a break. that we would talk after his holiday. thing is its my birthday a week later and i told him i didnt want to feel rubbish for it, so if we were gonna split id sooner we did well before then, which is why im suprised me has not contacted me yet from his holiday. if he was missing me so much, he would call wouldnt he? or is he respecting the fact i told him not to call for the whole of his hol to fully work out how he and i both felt. i cant eat, am all churned up, and the not talking is killimg me... we spoke everyday on the phone since we met... this is the longest we have ever gone not talking. do you think he will come back. why do u think he has got cold feet? The not contacting is so so hard and painful...before he went on hol and i asked about the rel parameters on this break, and he said that if i wanted to date other people, he couldnt stop me but that dating was the last thing on his mind, and not what hed be looking for or doing on te break... hes there to sort his head out about how he feels about us... what is your male perspective...? thanks so much x
@Michelle.....We're sorry you're hurting. Breakups—even after such a short time—are always difficult. And the way your situation went down—the serious intensity, to almost nothing could seem very confusing and also hurtful. To wrap this up in a nutshell: Everything that happened between the two of you before you actually met was fantasy—at least for him, not for you. And everything that happened after you met, wasn't. Meaning, he has this idea about the way love is supposed to happen. When the two of you found each other it followed the script playing in his head. But when he had to deal with the actual person the reality didn't stand up to the fantasy. Not because you did anything, or that you're not wonderful, more that reality never lives up to fantasy. it's not possible. So now you're left at a loss with your head spinning. A couple of thoughts come to mind. Something he said. "he hoped I would learn to love myself more." And based on your opening statement about not opening up to people, is it possible there's some truth to his statement? That maybe part of your inhibition, or lack of trust, has to do with how you're feeling about yourself? Insecurity? We're just saying that that might be something to think about. Instead of seeing this situation as a complete fail, why not see it as a way to grow, and take a look at yourself and figure out why you feel so scared about opening up to people. Instead of trying to rekindle this romance, why not begin a healthy relationship with yourself? Because someone who loves who they are is always more attractive to other people. Sorry, to get off the topic, but we think that these are more important questions and issues. As per your question: No, we don't think he's coming back. But honestly, he's not ready for a real relationship. He's not ready to put the work in. He's still in fantasy land and this relationship with that other girl will end soon enough. A month, a year, who knows, but it will end. He's got some work to do as well. What do you think? And ask as many follow up questions as you'd like.
Hey One of the Guys! For once I have found a place where I can ask and be told an honest answer after searching for clues for over a month. I am hoping you can give me some honest insight. I met 'E' online a couple of months ago on a dating site. We chatted for a little bit but I didnt see it going anywhere so we slowly stopped talking. He came back twice messaging me and the little that we talked I noticed there might be something so I started actually speaking to him. We quickly exchanged numbers and things quickly became magical. In my long 25 years, haha, I have never been able to open up so well to someone or connect with someone the way we did. In a little over a months time, we sent over 6000, yes 6000, text messages and spent over 30 hours on the phone. We talked about EVERYTHING. From morning, until well morning. We planned our first meeting after we had talked for a week and he came to visit me. We spent all night talking, chatting, laughing and we shared a few kisses. He left at 7 in the morning and began texting me again when he returned home and through the rest of the day. The next few days he became distant. I finally got the guts to ask him what was going on. He told me that he didn't like the fact that I smoked on occasion and he left the distance, AN HOUR, might be too far. He mentioned the fact that he felt that maybe one day he would regret his decision because I was so great but for now, he just wanted to take things slow. I gave him what he wanted, but quickly things picked up MORE then they did before. We went on another date, and he didnt kiss me when he left but said he didnt because he didnt think I wanted him too. Anyways we hung out again a week later at my work, i had 2 hours off between shifts and I work in the town he lives in. We talked and talked and talked. I figured he realized his regrets quickly and followed along. Ive never had someone open up to me the way he did. That was until he asked me "Should I go to the beach with this other girl?" I got really upset, I thought he liked me? Turns out he went to the beach with her that night, while I drank my sorrows away and sent him a text. He finally responded a day later saying that I shouldnt have been upset. That they were just talking like him and I were. I was pretty confused because I have no idea when he had time to talk to someone else. Anyways, I left it go. Stupid me. The following couple of days he started to become distant again. He said that his friends told him that he and I spoke entirely too much and that he needed some space. I gave it to him only for him to still keep contacting me. I was short, I was giving him what he wanted. But he kept talking to me. I finally decided to ask him if I stood a chance. He said he wasnt sure and he needed time but he was still talking to other women as well. We ended up fighting about it. We had quickly become best friends. He told me how much he trusted and cared about me but he still needed space. Finally...I decided to tell him I wanted answers because his words were not going with his actions. He told me that he cared deeply for me but it 'wasnt' there. We stopped talking for a day but he again contacted me that evening and we had our first 'sexting' experience. The next day he said he was glad we didnt end up meeting up and that he would like to sleep with me but he didnt want to lead me on. Confused again, I asked what he meant. He finally told me that he viewed me as someone 'like his cool cousin.' I was beautiful and everything was there. But IT. Whatever IT is, I am not sure. I told him I understood and I wanted to remain friends as did he because we had a great connection...but he would have to realize that my feelings would take a while to go away. He asked me if I thought he might ever give me a chance and I said yes. He then said we shouldnt be friends anymore. He sent me a heartfelt message saying he cared deeply about me, he hoped i would learn to love myself more, i was a beautiful woman, if i ever need him he would be there, and maybe one day things would be different. He said for the time being he was going to cut off all contact with me. Within minutes he had blocked me from FB and said his goodbyes without flinching. It has been over a month now since our 'break up' and everyday there is an emptiness inside of me I cannot explain. I dont open up to people well and this is the first guy who ever GOT me. He was everything I ever wanted...and needed. He knew more about me than my best friends. He was my rock. I seemed to be his. I have tried contacting him to ask for a clearer explaination. But he has ignored me. I also discovered, he has just gotten a girlfriend. A girlfriend who smokes, and lives....3 hours away. I feel like it may seem so cut and dry but to me this isnt. He felt it too but then he suddenly didnt? I am just curious if you might be able to explain his actions clearer to me. Is he ever going to regret his decision of never actually giving us a chance? Is it possible he misses me? He left so abruptly that I feel as if he never cared at all. I know I know how does a that short amount of time prove how someone feels or even help make me feel so connected? I wish I could explain....but I cant explain any of this at all.
Thank you. I appreciate the advice/help. You're exactly right. Time to move on and love him from a distance.
@Samantha.....We're all for fighting for love, but not when the other person doesn't treat you well. If he was totally into you he would be as forgiving as you. Since he's not he can afford to be mean and judgmental. Our saying: Fight for what's worthing fighting for. If you really think he's worth it then you can certainly keep trying. But honestly this seems like a losing battle. We think you're spending a lot of time focused on someone who isn't going to change. But we can't tell you what is right for you, only give our opinion. Good luck.
Dear One of the Guys, I really am not sure. I mean I think I should, but my heart just wants him back. If you love someone.. I mean truly love someone and would do whatever it took to be with the one whom you loved. Life is drama and will always be there whether its a bad day at work or an exciting one. All I know when my ex and I was together things were good. Well at least that's how things seemed. Despite the relationship being long distance. I just don't understand why he hates me so much for expressing my feelings. Constantly judging me by my troubled past where he was initially the root of my confusion. That's how I know I love him despite all that he thinks of me now and all the pain he's caused me... I forgive him when he never admitted to his wrongs and equally fault myself for mistakes made that could of made him have such a negative perspective of me. I've been trying find the answers to that question " is time for me to move on" for a 2 years now. All I can think is if you are in love with someone why move on? If you love them why not fight for them?.. Is that saying effective in this situation or just more wasted time... Dwelling on the past?..
@Samantha......We understand and we're sorry this is so hard. Here's how we see this. He's not sure what he wants. He's all over the place and has given you mixed signals from the beginning. He sites your drama as the problem, but we see this whole relationship as falling into the drama category. Meaning, there's too much back and forth, up and down, to really be able to establish any kind of solid foundation. If he comes back to you it will be the same as always. We don't see his behavior changing, and honestly we don't think he's great for your emotional well being. (Thus the drama) Do you think it might be time to move on?
So, I have a problem. I met him in 2009. He was a marine. He found me on a social networking site and from there we started talking . I really liked him. So after a few weeks of talking we met up finally. I lost my Virginity to him. I never really wanted to have sex with him. He claimed he didnt either which I found hard to believe be he told me to do it. I wanted to make him happy so it happened. Anyways we still liked each other. We continued to talk... Then all of a sudden one day he stop contacting me. This went on for weeks. I panicked and asked my friend and sister for advice what to do. I sent him txts everyday until one day he txted me back and called me crazy bc of the txts that had compiled up. He told me his phone was turned off. Tried to explain that I was scared and worried and didn't know what happened. So we stopped talking. Then a few months went by. He txts me and tell me he misses me. And wanted to see me. I said no bc I was about to leave somewhere and I told him we can only be friends bc I was seeing someone to get over him. We started arguing he said he understood and left again. I asked why he always keep leaving he said I don't understand bc I never do. Then few more months went by he called me early in the morning and crying bc he's uncle passed. I was there for him. Then something happened and he left again. So I left him alone.. 2 years went by. I found his number and decided to. Call him. It was July 4th and I think he was drunk bc he was rambling... We talked a little. Then I went to be he left me a voicemail telling me he really missed me. I txted him the next morning and asked what that was about he told me he didnt mean to lead me on bc he was moving back to home 4 states away. I was stoked. And upset. All this time I blamed myself for him always leaving bc he didn't know what he wanted. I loved him and told him I would be okay with just being friends but he said he didn't want that either bc he didn't want to grow more feelings for me. Then I grew furious. All this time I spent obsesses sing over him and he treats me like im some disease or bad memory he wants to forget. I didn't understand. I was always there for him. I called him and fussed him out. He tells me it's bc I have too much drama in my life (which was all caused by him) I never had any problems until After I met him. When he left me the time I went through a tough time in my life. Started doing things I never done bc I was so hurt. He found out I messed with some guy and started saying horrible things and lying about events tht happened btwn me and him. Saying I needed attention and was crazy bc of the txts from the past and had too much drama he didn't need in his life. When he was the one that caused me I have that drama I never had in my life. Anyway we argued and he said he never wants to talk to me and never txt me again. So a few weeks past I sent a txt apologizing and told him I loved him. Think he will come back or txt me back again one day? I'm tired of wasting all of this time caring about him when he thinks I'm a bitch and wants nothing to do with me. I miss being his friend. I miss him.
@Jen.....We're sorry. We know this is hard. However, he may not be saying what it is, but there's a reason he broke up with you. For you it was out of the blue, but it's been something he's been thinking about for a while. So the question is: What? From your point of view there's nothing wrong, but something must not be working for him. He may feel that you're special, but remember he's saying that but still breaking up with you. So what was his explanation? The lack of time is not a good reason, so it's got to be something else; something else that he's afraid to say. Get to the bottom of that and you'll have your answer. Hang in there. And please keep us posted as this progresses. And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Hi guys, so my boyfriend and I were together for 11 months and he broke up with me out of the blue after asking for space. He said that "As much as he kept wanting it to work, he doesn't think that it will." Then continued to follow that up with telling me that i'm the most special person he's ever been with and that he loves me. It was as if he just kept looking for reasons to say that he needs to be alone for a while.. he argued that he was going to be going to school and working full time, so he couldn't give me the 100% that I deserve. He also said that if we are meant to be together, he won't fight fate. It's very difficult for me to move on because I literally cannot find one thing was wrong in our relationship. When we said goodbye, he told me that he was going to miss me so much and then we both started crying and said goodbye. It's been 2 weeks and I haven't contacted him. Please tell me what you think! Thanks
@Stacie.....Here's another cliche. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. You need to focus on yourself, try to be open to new possibilities, new guys—at some point—and if things are meant to work out with this guy they will. Good luck with school and hang in there. Keep us posted as things progress.
Thanks for your quick reply. I start school again so I'm lookn to focus more on graduation to keep me busy.. &to your question why is he so great? Honestly, the reason why he's so great to me is because he expresses his feelings. He's always been there whenever I needed some1&he even relocated so we could live in the same city..I guess you could say no1 knows him the way I do! (I know its a cliché but its the truth).. My family didn't approve our relationship because a few family friends brought up his past in order to keep us apart even if it wasn't true.. &as of a few hours ago I found out he's back in&his sister explained to me he didn't want to hold me back.. it so he wanted me to be free to do whatever I wanted As long as it made me happy.. Guess he wasn't being selfish like I thought because we're still young [22]&have life to live I just believe he's the one I meant to be with.. I'll gain my strength over time.. But again thanks for replying your advice is greatly appreciated..
@Stacie.......We're very sorry. Breakups are very hard. We're not sure what we can do. If he comes back it will be some realization on his part, not something you do or say that makes him want to come back. So the best thing to do in this situation is focus on yourself. Surround yourself with loving people—friends and family—and try to participate in activities or other things that make you happy. It's hard to say whether or not he's telling you the whole truth. Is he breaking up with you because of this other person, or because he wants you to have a better life? It's possible he's trying to soften the blow by saying you deserve better. Our question to you is, why is he so great? Obviously your family doesn't approve. So what is it? And is he going to be incarcerated again? It's always difficult to imagine life without someone that's been in it for so long, and so intimately. It's like a death, with a little piece of yourself dying along with them. But you can get past this if you need to. You'll get the strength. Hang in there. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime.
So I been in a relationship for 3yrs with this guy. We've already been through so much together. We managed to get through a long distance relationship he moved back and we were happy. We even got through him being incarcerated for 18mths. When he got out we were extremely happy [so I thought] because he always brought up our future of moving in together, getting married, &starting our own family. We couldn't see eachother for most of our relationship because my family didn't approve of the way he was so we kept connected through emails, txt, calls, &letters. Well my question is why would he break up with me after everything we been through out of the blue. It doesn't make any since to me because just two days before he wanted our future to start. I asked him 'Why are you breaking up with me&how long have you been wanting to do it?" He replied he might be going back&he wants better for me because he knows he can't give me a good life&he knows my family wouldn't let me go visit him if it happend again&he said he been thnkn about it since he got out&hes sorry. I wouldn't take it so I asked did he meet sum1 else he replied with 'Yeah bye' &that was it. Now I'm stuck my insomnias workin in over drive&i havnt slept in 3days I continue to feel depressed&keep crying. I'm overly head over heels with him&i can't imagine him not being part of my life. Can you help me Please!:(
@Kari......Well, honestly, this may be beyond our scope of understanding. You seem to know more about PTSD than we do. All we can say is his behavior is obviously a pattern, one that will likely continue unless he gets the help he needs. (From a professional. Probably is already.) One other thought crossed our mind. Some guys can't handle an instant family. They might love their girlfriend's child but they don't necessarily want to raise that child. (We're not saying you're asking him to, but he might still feel the pressure.) And some guys only want to have their own families. Could this possibly be factoring into the equation, even though he hasn't said anything? If he has a hard enough time dealing with his depression and anxiety, you and your daughter, might just be too much for him. Your thoughts?
Dear Guys- My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. I broke up with him last summer after he needed "space" and he came back to me. we moved in together. Fast forward 1 year later, same as last year, he pulled away, said he was disconnected, and I and my daughter are moving out. We are best friends, love each other dearly and both feel we have a connection that may never be matched again. We have discussed reuniting in the future but for now need a break. We have a wonderful life and function very well together. Extra info.... he is a chilhood cancer survivor, his father and step father both left him early in life, raised by mom and sisters, heavy drug usage for about 10 years, has been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety and so on. PTSD sufferers are known to "disconnect". Nothing but love could have gotten us through the last 2 months. I move on tuesday and I am scared to lose him, he has been the greatest love I have known yet and he says the same about me. What do you think??
@Lucy.....Thanks for sharing some more of your story. We understand how you feel. We truly do. Breakups are so hard. We're pulling for you no matter what happens. You take care of yourself. And ask us another question anytime.
@ R and you guys thank you for the reply , i know that what happened in the end , but he used to be kind and loving more than me! he literally spent all of the money he saved since he was a little boy on my birthday gift and it was pretty expensive and he moved from LA to london because i wanted him to ! he has done a lot more the that for me! thats why i wanna be with him because i know that he's not thinking straight right now :( but i know that I've been patient and too kind to him and I'm supposed to move on but i don't want to ... let me tell you something before i knew him in person i saw him once before he was standing by the door of my friend's house and i was leaving and i used to have a boyfriend back then.. i went home and i just prayed god to marry him or my current boyfriend .. then my boyfriend at that time dumped me and i met my current ex right now .. and after a while he proposed so i told him that story and he told me that he also prayed that the girl he meets next and trust to be his wife .. and we got together , i feel like god brought us together and broke us up for a reason u know ? i thought maybe because we need sometime apart so he needs to start treating me right again and i get stronger so we can be together and do it right! i know i haven't been listening to u guys about moving on and all but i love him with all my heart i swear :( i really don't want this to be the end </3
@Lucy......Check out the comment above from R. We couldn't have said it any better. We think you're accepting too much from him, and giving him the benefit of the doubt. (It might be helpful if you read a lot of the comments left on this post. )
@Lucy.... I just feel I had to reply because I was in a similar situation when I was young. It is normal to have these feelings because you still love him, however, the obsessive part stems from a lack of self fulfillment. You give way too much to this guy and it's probably because you don't feel deserving and would do anything to keep him. This is unhealthy for your personal well being. I think you really need to learn to love yourself and expect to be treated with the same kindness you give others. Spend more time with friends and family. Get a new hobby. Change your style, get your hair did, your nails done. Really learn to love yourself and I think you'll find that people, especially guys will respond to you differently. Self respect and self love will shine through and things will fall into place as they should. Remember, you're WORTH it. =o)
thank you guys for the reply , but i have a question I'm pretty sure that after we broke up he started smoking weed again , and I'm worried about him because the guys he's hanging out with they don't really care about anything or anyone they just wanna smoke have fun and drink maybe , and he was never that kind of a person before that what made me love and respect him even more , he used to smoke weed just a little bit but he stopped for me! and he stayed away from those boys , but when he left town he started hanging out with them the complications and the fights has began :( what do i do now? I'm worried about him ,he used to be a better person i swear .. and i have one question tooo i keep on crying every night before i go to sleep because i start praying for us to get back together .. BUT the thing is i believe that any girl in my position would pray god to move on .. why am i still in love with him? why am i not mad at him !! i just miss him and want him back </3
@Lucy....We hope this works out the way you want it to. But to clarify, no, many guys don't ever realize that they made a mistake. (Or if they do, they don't necessarily go back to their ex, they just try to apply that new understanding to the next relationship) That takes some self-reflection which we don't think he's capable of at this point in his life. Just remember: Don't sacrifice everything to be with a guy. You need to be getting your needs met as well. And if your with a guy who doesn't treat you the way you treat him eventually you're growing to grow resentful. Something to keep in mind. Good luck. We're pulling for you.
yeah i agree there is nothing i can actually do right now but focus on my self and wait for him to come back because i have a feeling that this is not the end .. and when i ignored him for 3 days he asked about how was i doing , and when i ignored him for a whole week he told me that he misses me .. so i think that he still loves me but he's trying to deny it and move on! and usually guys come back after leaving their girlfriends because they realize that it was a mistake , and I'm sure thats gnu happen because i was nothing but kind , patient and loving to him .. what do you think?!
Hello! I need some advice from an outsiders point of view. This may be a little long but we were together for 4 and a half years! We met when I was 23 and he was 19. We moved way too fast and moved in together after a month of knowing each other. Within a year and a half I found out he was cheating on me with a married woman. This went on for months and I didn't know it. After I found out he moved into the other room and we became roommates. That lasted only a week and we got back together. It took time to trust him but I slowly did and the relationship progressed. I have very low self esteem and can be a very moody/crazy person. 3 years went by and we were starting to act like a married couple. Wouldn't go out and do things or try and have fun together. We also lacked majorly in the bedroom. I went through a funk where I pushed him away a lot of times. I didn't kiss back when he kissed me, argue for no reason, especially about money because I am not very good at saving money and paying bills. Towards the end of the 4 and a half years I became extremely depressed, family issues going on, hated my job, hated life. I asked him many times to go out places and have a "date night" to try and rekindle things, 2 months before we broke up he was picking out engagement rings and wrote a sweet letter that he can't wait to marry me. We even got two dogs a month before we broke up. Then one night it became too much for me and we blew up at each other. We sat down and talked and we said we would work it out. That night he went out with his buddies and didn't come home till 9 the next morning. I was livid and that same day he said he didn't love me anymore and doesn't have feelings for me anymore. He was done. We lived in separate rooms for a month until we decided it was too much to live together and we both helped each other move to separate places. Through all this, after I moved out, I realized what I lost and how stupid I was for acting like that. I got out of my funk. Started making changes. He could see that I was trying and said we could be good friends. He said that he was glad I was starting to be happy and that i was becoming the girl he always knew I could be and that I would make a guy happy one day, it just wouldn't be him. Which hurt like hell! We hung out a few times after that, friends with benefits. Unfortunately, I didn't give him space. I text him everyday, asking how he was doing, saying little things like "if we get back together things would be a lot better" I continued this for about a month and he started to not answer as often, didn't want to hang out with me. Then one phone call he stated he didn't love me, never wanted to be with me and that the relationship should have ended a long time ago. If that was true then why leave me a love note or look for engagement rings? Was that a set up? He even sent me a goodmorning text saying he loved me a couple weeks before we broke up. Anyways, I found out that he is seeing another girl and it breaks my heart. I gave him a week of no contact then asked how he was doing. He answered but ignored me the rest of the day. I still have a little bit of hope that if its meant to be he will come back but how can a guys feelings change like that? We did have some fun times but if he would just see that things are different now and things could be so much better. I don't know what to do. Is this girl a rebound? I know I have to move on but its hard to give up on someone you love. Sorry so long. I'm 28 now and he is 24. Been 3 months since the break up and I'm broken hearted. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
@Lucy......Thank you for clarifying. Yes, the fact that you're young factors into this equation. He probably feels he needs to explore, and hasn't matured enough to know what he really wants. However, the situation is what it is. He's out and about and you're feeling sad. There's not much you can do right now. We'd suggest focusing your attention on other things. Try to do more of the things you love. Hang with your friends and family, and try to distance yourself from him. He's bringing you down and you're allowing it to happen because you're blaming yourself. The fact that you see this in terms of "blame" is something you need to address within yourself. Sometimes a situation unfolds the way it is without any blame. Meaning, it was going to happen anyway, because eventually people are who they are. Does this make sense?
thank you for the reply .. but no its not like that at all! we used to be perfect together and everything was going extremely well .. the thing is that we're both still young and he thinks that its my fault all of this happened and thats because i kept blaming my self, i think that all he wants now is to play around and have fun just like the ppl around him do. he says that its not the same anymore because he's attracted to other women .. and honestly before all of these complications sometimes i used to think that he loves me more than i do love him. and i have a feeling that he's gnu regret leaving me but sometimes i feel insecure and i start missing him and cry :( i wanna know like should i just ignore him and wait till he's back?
@Lucy.....We're not going to tell you what to do. Even if we told you to move on, you wouldn't until you were truly ready. You don't sound like that's where you're at. But consider this. Here's a guy who doesn't treat you well. (Shouts, swears, probably lies.) He gives you mixed messages. He tries to deflect the blame—and his guilt—by deflecting the problems back on you. (And you take it and then forgive him.) Is this really the kind of guy you want to be with? We're sure he has a good side, but everyone does. That doesn't mean he's the right guy for you, and that he deserves you. Look Lucy, he's out checking out other women, trying to find the one he thinks is right for him. That pretty much says that he doesn't see that with you. Don't accept someone who doesn't think you're the greatest. Don't settle for just okay. Your friends are likely right, but once again that doesn't mean you should be with this guy. He's got some soul searching to do and you don't need to be dragged through the mud with him. What are your thoughts?
@Dia.....Well, whatever the behavior was that bothered you when you were with him is continuing now. Words are meaningless when they're not backed up by action. And his words seem to fall flat. What's holding you back is sadness. Understandably. Breakups are difficult. And we're truly sorry. But there's not much you can do here. If he's unreachable it's because he wants to be. And if he really wanted to be with you, he would be in touch with you.
Hello, thank you for the reply, the reason i always wanted a break up was his behavior at times. I am not sure what to say now. He did say that he would call back n yes no contact yet .. but what about all the things he said to me about us , he said the time we would be apart i wil try to improve myself and so you for urself , and also he said maybe i will look something for both us not exactly marriage bt atealst staying together in the same city. SHould I email and check ? should I wait somemore ? Yes, i agree practically i should move on but something is holding me back :( i do not knw how is he active on the same number which is unreacheable when you call :( no idea if he is in the same city or not .. i want tht i final confrontation even if things do not work out .. please direct me how to .. regards Dia
my boyfriend and i were together for a year .. at the beginning everything was going great ! he actually proposed to me and we were engaged for about 6 months then he had to leave town , we started long distance it was hard and then complications were popping everywhere i was depressed then he got back to town for a week and i asked to see him he kept on giving me excuses and we decided to take a break then i couldn't take it .. i texted him and asked to see him he agreed and everything was going great again after we saw each other .. then he went to london for the summer and i was going too .. we were both excited then he went to this wedding and after that he was a complete different person.. then i was asking to see him and meet up he always used to come up with excuses , scream , shout and swear at me and all i do is shut my mouth cry and apologize and then he used to hung up on me! one day i called him and he hung on me i called again and he did it again i got pissed so i was like this is how its gna be I'm gnu wait for u tomorrow at the park if u show up we'll try to fix things but if u don't then ill know that u do not want anything to do with me anymore then he agreed to see me ! he told me that we should take things slow and then give it another shot. we both agreed and i was crying the whole time ofcourse so he kissed me a couple of times .. then a week after he told me that we needed to talk we were supposed to meet up but we didn't he said it wasn't easy for him to dod in front of me .. then he broke up with me over a text message then we talked on the phone .. we ended it on good terms ,, i texted him that day and he told me he loved me and that he misses me and wants to hug me so bad! then i left town and i called him zoo he started screaming shouting and swearing again! and i cried again! and apologized again!!! and again! i think i love him a lot and I'm toooooo kind to him! after that i gave it space for a couple of days .. then he wrote a status about a girl on Facebook! so i asked about it and he said that there isn't someone else .. then he wrote another one so i ignored .. and i updated mine and wrote "its a heartless cruel world" .. then he texted me "now who's messing with u little one" i told him that i was sad and i have no one but god now! he was like nooo u have me and ur friends and family ... then i called him after 3 days ..i was feeling lonely and i called twice just to hear his on the voice mail .. so he texted me "you call me on my first number and i don't answer then u call me on my second and i still don't answer so u call me again? take a hint I'm sleeping :) " i was literally devastated i ignored for a week then i called him .. i needed closure so i asked to see him and he refused! then i asked why did u change after the wedding he said that he saw a girl there and loved the way she looked and that she was pretty and he was attracted to her! i cried my heart out ! he told me that he felt that it was a wake up call for him that it doesn't feel the same anymore and I'm not enough for him and he's not happy! then i asked him i was like "listen I'm confused sometimes i go like you're happy that u left me and its impossible for us to get back together and sometimes i go like noo we loved each other sooooooo much and we could do it right again!" he was like "let me tell u something when i think of u i really do miss you .. but thats normal because we've been together for a year ...its not impossible if its meant to be it will be " and that was it !! its been 2 days now and i haven't contacted him at all but i really hope that someday he will realize how much i loved him and gave up a lot for him .. my friends say that he won't be able to find someone who's patient ,loving ,and kind with him like u because no girl would allow him to do all of those mistakes and she takes the blame for it all just because she loves him and doesn't want to piss him off .. i love him and i really don't want u guys to tell me to move on because i really do love him and I'm sure that he did love sooo much but i don't know what happened to him :( please help and thank you <3
@Dia.....So our last question is, why did you keep wanting to break up with him, especially if you thought he was so great? Was it insecurity on your part? As far as him leaving without saying goodbye, well that's not a great sign. And the fact that he hasn't contacted you doesn't bode well for him coming back. We're not sure if he finally said enough, because you kept wanting to break up with him, or he just wasn't as interested as he pretended to be, but honestly, it doesn't sound like he's coming back. Maybe you should listen to your friends. Why do you think there's still a chance? Typically the guy would be initiating contact and trying to keep you interested even if he was away. He wouldn't want you dating other guys if he was really interested. Guys are territorial when it comes to that sort of thing.
And yes, whenever I say lets break up he asks me y do u want that or y do say that , and recently when I said I want to break up .. he was upset abt it and I couldn't walk off him and talking through that situation we made up :) which usually happens .. then he asked how could do that .. n y did ever say something like that and if u really wanted to y didnt u walk off .. i told him i love him too much to do that .. I have a very strong feeling that yes he loves me and ccant cheat me but u knw the situations ... and that scares the hell out me .. We both are too cute together .. fighting and loving eachother and I do not want to see some1 else as a consideration fr him nt being there :( ..
Hi, Thank you for your quick response, I am so glad that you responded. Well, it was already planned that he would leave the city for the job, but abruptly project was signedoff and he was asked to leave, so without a job in hand he had to leave. Its been about 8 mnths i knw him and about 6 tht we are in a relationship , which had been on n off with his different kind of behavior, however he has always told me that he loved me and whenever i had said probably its best we brek up he nevr wanted it .. but i admit i had been little insecure about it and had he pushed him with my nonsense at times. No , didnt break up , he never cheated on me as far as I know him .. since we were in teh same office , i could see him spending about 10 - 12 rs in the office .. and he always used to look for me ... Yes, he had done a few things which I never liked sometimes he lied to me of being busy coz of few reasons , finance and his family are his major concerns ... Can you please tell , had u been playing with a gal would ever tell her things which u might have not told anyone .. he had told abt his school time stories , few things later on too .. would u do .. he always tells me that I have to understand what he feels for me and stop asking him to show it to me ... I am a person who expresses and he doesnt. I love him i cant think beyond him rite now , and yes professionally i am very strong and working good fr my own career. Personally ,I need him as I love him. I am not sure if he is still in the town or not , I dnt have him on FB or gtalk , his number is unreachable but he is active on tht number , as I can see his activity on whatsapp( I knw I am silly but dts how I found he is active on the number ) havent emailed him anything yet. I want him to comeback but I am scared what if he doesnt I cant think of something that he used me ... :( .. please help me work through this .. when I asked my frnds they said frget him , he jus used u n walked up as he didnt have guts to tell but I cant take it .. n somehow a tiny thing says wait but how ??? :( :( please tell me Regards Dia
@Dia.......So we have a couple of questions for you. Why did he leave? Was it to look for a job? Did you actually break up? We're not quite sure what's going on? And did he actually cheat on you while you were together? How long were you together?
Hi, I am going through a more or less similar situation.In my case , my guy had been very persuasive in the beginning later on the threshold went cold and it was me day in day out around the things, now the time has come that he had left the city and on the last day we did talk out about us and I have always made it very clear to him, if this is not wat he wants he can be open about it and he knows that I can accept without creeping out. In the recent when I said I would beak up with him , he didnt wanted me to break up , which made me belive that he does love me . He always says I am very different , please understand me n all n i dnt knw wat does that mean. I love him very much now. Yes, we never had been a lovey dovey couple but yes the time we spent did mean alot to us and I miss every bit of it now. On the last day he asked me if I would miss him and love him and he also said I wuld call u in a month or 2 or would take six months. Lets give this time to build ourselves , and now this time is driving me mad n there is no 1 day i dnt think abt him , yes I am being product at work too at the same time, when I am left with nothing before going bed or a little idle mind he pop's in my mind :(. I have passed the phase of 1 month n half now still waiting .. no contact yet. I cant reach him on phone , I texted him on his birthday no reply :( .. I dont knw what is he upto .. Well he left teh city in the lookout fr a job, one side i think I shld give time for us as we both love eachother and next says he just cheated me .. Yes we would use to work in teh same office .. I do not know if I should wait or not.. If he even thinks about me :( Please advice .. I love him and would be great if you can help me pursue it right way and I dont want to be fooled. Thanks Dia
@Pat.....We're sorry. It sounds like he got cold feet. As it got closer to making a decision about living together, he decided that he didn't want to be in a relationship after all. Do we think he'll come back? Hard to say. But, five years seems like long enough for him to figure out what he really wants. And if he broke up with you it wasn't on a whim. You need to talk with him. He certainly owes you an explanation—or many explanations. Five years is a long history. Hopefully he'll have the decency to "man up" and do the right thing by talking with you. Good luck and take care. Ask a follow up question anytime.
I was in a serious realtionship for 5 years & we are in are 40's 50's so this was a long time. He is a city guy I live in the burbs we talked about living together however he blind sided me and broke up with me. He said he's tired of driving out by me. He has been acting out of sorts going out drinking etc & I was not real happy with his behavior and had car trouble so didnt drive into the city as much as him. I am thinking he is afraid to commit now that time is approching. We really work well togehter but I guess he doesnt see it that way. Do you think he will be coming back? I wonder if he even feels bad about it all. I have had no contact with him since the quote on quote break.
@Kim......Sometimes people who have dated are able to friends and sometimes not. In your case, he seems to want to blur the lines too much. We'd say, it's time to move on completely, as sad as that may be. The best way to convey that? Tell him clearly one more time. And then if he continues his same old behavior ignore all messages from him. Don't respond. He might lash out at you once again, but honestly you need to make a clean break for your own emotional well-being. You need to look out for yourself. He'll be fine. (Until he figures out what he really wants and realizes how he's behaved. But that could take years. Who knows?) Does this help? Take care.
Hey guys, Thank you so much. Please don't feel sorry for the other girl. She has maintained an open relationship with another guy from her hometown while pursuing other males (committed or not) while at school. In fact, I've once had face-to-face conversation with her before she decided to try and conquest my boyfriend (at the time) away from me. She is everything I don't want my gender to be. I'm not exactly sure about the cheating, but enough to know that if he can't confidently say "NO," then it's a problem. And it would make sense, him not wanting to see me when I first got home... like a guilty conscience. He's not grounded. You're absolutely right. But he would never admit it. And when I try to tell him, I get told I'M the one who's not grounded. And you're right, I cannot trust him as far as I can throw him. Though, I do care for him a lot and I wish I could make him see that... but I imagine this is something each guy needs to learn on his own?!? And, final question for now. I don't see friends in our future. I can't imagine that you do either?! And how do I best communicate this to him, because he doesn't seem to want to listen to my "please respect me and don't use pet names if we're not dating" requests, or anything similar of the sort. Thanks for all of your listening and help. You still put my heart at ease, even if the pill is a big and bitter one to swallow.
@Kim....Of course we were sincere about hearing how things are going with you. Glad you got in touch with us again. So......let's start with your last day together. No, wait, let's start with him cheating. Yes, he cheated on you. Maybe things weren't right between the two of you, but you hadn't made your breakup official, so any sort of "interaction" with another woman was a no, no. BUT.....that doesn't necessarily mean your last day wasn't genuine. We imagine his cheating was mostly physical. He was seeking comfort with another woman. (We feel sorry for the other woman because she's clearly getting used.) But he's confused and was probably feeling sad that day because a part of him really cares for you. It's the other part we have some concerns about. At this point in his life he just doesn't seem grounded; he doesn't seem like someone you can really trust. And the fact that he goes from being sweet to being mean should tell you something. When he doesn't get his way he lashes out. Basically, when you wouldn't sleep with him he got pissed. Unfortunately Kim, it seems like it's time to move on. You've got some good things going on in your life. Build on those things, and keep yourself open to new possibilities. Take care of yourself. And yes, keep in touch. We hope the next time you contact us, it's to tell us some great news! (But certainly feel free to ask another question in the meantime.)
Guys, Real quick, an add-on to my message above. The timeline. If he really did sleep with her before breaking up with me, then my whole purpose of my initial message to you in June just blows my mind. I feel like that whole "perfect last day" together wasn't genuine at all. That instead, I was getting played. And wow, that hurts. What a potential blow. Could you share your take on that with me, as well? Was it an honest day with tears as from us both as we went to the airport, or totally different and unforunate? Thanks. Again, means A LOT.
Hey Guys, Kim here. Wanted to give you an update from my June 11/12 posts in this thread and get your advice yet again. (You seem so sincere and earnest when you told me to keep you posted.) Although, this time I think the direction is much clearer. Perhaps not. In any event, I really need ya this time. So I went back to the internship San Francisco and thrived. I never responded to the text that he sent me; I wasn't ready. A little over one week later, I sent him the photos and a brief note reminding him that I said I would send them, and I hoped all was well (it was to-the-point, but not cold). I didn't expect to hear from him, and didn't hear from him... for another week or two. And then, the texts started popping up again, weekly in frequency. Pet names, talking to me like we were dating. I tried to be friendly and keep conversation light, and always quit responding when he would say something that was about my coming home and being our good old relationship selves again... with or without an actual relationship, I'm unsure. And to be honest, it really, really annoyed me that he couldn't be honest with himself and me; he just kept playing like everything was A-OK, normal. I got back home for good yesterday. I had a class that night and he kindly offered to allow me to stay on the couch. He came home after a work event a little toasted, and was insistent on my sleeping upstairs with him. He was seemingly excited to see me again, in more ways than one. It felt genuine, but I explained that none of this is what friends do. He kept telling me how much he missed me. The photos I had sent, his favorites were right next to his bed. He wanted hugs, and kisses, and cuddling, and eventually sex. And I gave in. But before I did, I asked him if he cared about me. He said yes. I asked him if he had had unprotected sex with anyone, he said no. After, he asked me if I had been with anyone while I was out west, and I had said none (truth). Interested, I asked him to answer his own question. I didn't like the answer. He had slept with the girl that he cheated on me with back in October. Multiple times. I was distraught, though knew I really couldn't care (he was single, after all). What REALLY got me was when I asked when the multiple times had started. He "couldn't remember," said every time it happened he was out late partying, super drunk, couldn't drive home, and stayed at her close-to-campus place. Then, I asked if it had started before he broke up with me. He told me... believe this... that he still "couldn't remember." I think I know what that means... right? When I told him that I thought not knowing was a clever little excuse, and asked him how he could honestly sleep with her before breaking up with me, he told me that, paraphrasing, "things just weren't right between us." I asked for an example. He couldn't give me one, other than that he was disengaged from being with me (but still with me), wanted to not date/be single, and said at times I was a little crazy (LIES, HONEST). So I slept on the couch last night. Regretting sleeping with him. He tried really hard to keep me in bed, saying how much he missed me and wanted to cuddle and be with me and lay next to me and hold me... on and on. It continued this morning, when he was stone cold sober. He came downstairs and tried being affectionate with hugs and kisses, but I would have none of it. I was stone cold upset, stone cold over it. I let him know I'd look for apartments, he was not a fan. I told him I wouldn't even be his friend while he was with Anna. He replied with a comment about cutting her out. Unfortunately I've already been on this pony once before, and once is enough. Things of this nature shouldn't feel like a carousel, or be one for that matter. I continued being cold, sticking to my guns. He started getting frustrated. The conversation went from "I missed you" to "now I remember why I didn't want to be with you." Simply because I'm trying to stick up for what I deserve. "You've always got to be a pain/difficult/crazy." "I feel really sorry for your next boyfriend." After some space, 5 or 10 minutes later, he's trying to be sweet again. I am SO confused about his behavior and what is going on in his head. But at least I know I don't deserve any of this, and I will continue to stick up for what I believe is deserving regardless of his attitude at the time. Unfortunately, I think this relationship has seen the end of its road. He took it too far down the wrong road that if he did come back, it probably wouldn't be substantial enough for me to feel genuine honesty, care, respect, love. But I guess if you could just give me some insight into why this is going on and what it means, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks guys. Means a lot.
@S....In light of your new discoveries we'd say it's time to move on. We think he's feeding you what you want to hear, and feeding her what she wants to her—to get what he wants from both of you, and to keep you both in his back pocket. Not the most attractive quality in a guy, or any person for that matter. He sounds like a scoundrel, especially because you had to snoop to discover it. So he's sneaky too. Do you really think you can trust this guy again? Is it even worth it? S....there are a lot of good guys out there.
Hey guys, so its been over a month since i last wrote but i just found out something yesterday and now im even more confused/hurt than ever! About a month ago my ex said it had nothing to do with me and that if when he gets his career Together i am still single he will win me back because he doesnt have time for a relationship right now. After that i was sending him job openings for about two weeks and keeping in touch. But two weeks ago i didnt get a response to a text so i didnt bother talking to him after that. For some reason today i decided to be a snoop and check his email account to see if he had applied to any of those jobs. What i found instead really shocked me. There was an email with a slideshow from his previous ex and she wrote something about facebook too. So i did more stalking and checked his facebook messages. It seems like theyve been talking and hooking up again and he said some pretty hurtful things. He said he had never loved me the way he had loved her which is what he had always said to me. The reason they had broken up (a year before we had started dating) is because he had stopped having feelings for her. They also talked about being friends with benefits and that eventually he would pursue her more and he even stated that he likes her. I dont know what to make of this. Like he tells me he is hurt and still likes me and just thinks i deserve more than he can give me right now but then says these things to her. Could it just be that she is giving him the benefits of a relationship (hooking up and emotional support with job search) without commitment or is it really time for me to accept that it is over and move on? This is so unlike him. It makes me question if he was lying about the career thing to soften the blow :-/
@Kim.....Meaning, maybe you weren't putting pressure on him but it's clear that your relationship was getting very serious. And typically the next step in a relationship like yours is marriage, or at least getting engaged. (Not always, but often) That's what we think he was feeling, which made him nervous. As per your question: That's a tough call. We kind of think you stay friends with him, as tough as that may be. But no blurring the lines. (FWB, Pet Names, etc.) We'd keep the communication to a minimum. More of an occasional update via email, etc. rather than daily friendly texts. And finally, we hear you about guys testing the waters. You've got a good point. We think that's a copout honestly. You're either in or your out. Take care and keep us posted as this progresses.
Hey guys, First - thanks for the prompt response. You really know how to put a girl's heart at ease with your advice. Can't more guys be like you guys?! Thanks! ;) My first question is regarding the "It's pretty clear where your relationship was headed even if you weren't explicitly saying anything." Could you help me understand what I said/inferred to make this clear? Because I don't think it's so clear for me. I think I might be missing something... Without knowing him, you speak of him better than most. He is definitely a "MORE" guy, especially when it comes to his career/professional development. Again, I've always been attracted to and supportive of this. And I think sometimes he brings me to this conversation/crossroads because he isn't sure if he'll ever be able to say "ENOUGH" and want to settle down. And, though sad for me to hear right now, I have to give him credit for his honesty. I think I can be friends, but I've been burned by a serious relationship before him and am afraid for the potential for mind games and that half-friends, half-relationship situation. So I'm ultra sensitive about being put on hold so a guy can figure himself out (which I unfortunately often equate to just wanting to test the waters with other women thanks to the ex before him). So I have one follow-up question: If I want this to work out, do I try to be his friend (and give him a little bit of what he wants potentially at my expense) or do I keep my firm hold on not speaking (and maybe hope he realizes what he's missing that way)? I guess I just don't have a good enough read on him, and a spoiled past with other boyfriends, to believe that by being friends he will still be able to figure himself out. What do you think? Obviously if we're friends, the pet names have to go, right? And why do you think he's even reaching out to me, him knowing that I needed no communication for a little while? Do I respond to/answer the text message that he sent me: "football, hope everything is ok with you"? I'll definitely check out Rebecca's memoir. Thanks for recommending. I look forward to hearing from you guys again, and as always your help and time and effort and thoughtful response is so incredibly appreciated! Kim
@Kim......Are you able to handle being "friends" with him for the time being? It sounds like he needs some space to clear his head and figure this all out. If you can handle a friendship for now, things might change in the future. But what shouldn't be happening is a blurring of the boundaries. If he really needs space, then he should use the time to figure things out, and treat you as a friend, not someone he can kind of be in a relationship with, and kind of not. We're talking emotional connection here. Let's back up: See, he's been with you since he was 24/25. That's pretty young for a guy. It's pretty clear where your relationship was headed even if you weren't explicitly saying anything. So in his mind he's at a crossroads. All men—all people—go through this. He's asking himself: Do I want to be with this one person the rest of my life? Have I experienced enough life to not feel regret? Do I have the things in place in the rest of my life to be ready to "settle" down? Have I dated enough? Have I slept with enough women? The list goes on. Here's the thing. The answer to all of those questions is NO. It will always be NO. And until he realizes that he won't be able to move forward. Because, when men mature they realize that they could always be pushing for MORE. But at some point they have to say, ENOUGH, or the cycle never ends. It doesn't sound very romantic because it isn't. But love can only take a person so far. At some point they have to just decide. "I'm choosing this." And then decide to be happy with their decision. It really is that basic, but it's not easy to come to that place. We're all so programmed to think fairy tales, that when reality stands in contrast to those stories we're not sure how to handle it. We think he might get his act together. You just need to chill if possible and focus on your own work/school/etc. We know that's not easy, but that's the best way to handle this. What do you think? Keep us posted and feel free to ask us a follow up question. Also, check out our "Relationship Memoirs" page, especially Charlotte Pescale's "Rebecca, a memoir." You might enjoy it. Introduction, Ch.1 and Ch. 2. Take care.
Hey guys, My story seems similar to others, but not entirely the same. I hope I don’t make you feel like you’re repeating yourself, but I really want to share my situation and would love your insight. I apologize in advance that this is SO winded with back story. I’ve dated him for 3.5 years. Our relationship for the first 2.5 was off-the-charts awesome. It was a love that I believe people are really lucky to find, most people usually don’t. And we both knew it, too. We travelled, challenged, and cheered each other on every day. Our daily letters read like love notes of the sweetest kind. I started grad school about one year after he did, two years into our relationship. I was unconfident and depressed, rendering me emotionally unstable and frankly a total drag to be around. He worked really hard to guide and support my decisions, and never truly made me feel less than I should have felt though I know that my personal hell was unintentionally weighing on him, too. He was also going through a full-time work transition and full-time graduate school (overachiever and I love him for it) so he would get frustrated with the time and energy that relationships sometimes take. Whenever he was faced with big decisions at either, or whenever we would celebrate a friend’s engagement or marriage, he would get very funny and temporarily push me away (for an evening or a day). It took some effort on my part, but eventually I understood him; I think he always just needed to sort of reset. That and he's 28 and I'm 26, I imagine after being together for 3.5 years he feels some sort of social pressure. I had a traditional undergraduate experience, but he did not. So I was happy for him this past fall when he finally had a social circle of friends that were non-engineers and females. I am not a jealous person, and found myself getting along with them fine, too. Until one of the girls continued to cross a delicate line and pursue him (after befriending me, of course). He didn’t believe my accusations until it all blew up; she made me boiling angry, I made him incredibly frustrated, and as a means to an end he got drunk with her and did some fooling around. Since we were slightly co-habitating, I moved everything out. We took a break and reconnected two months later. Honoring my request, he removed her friendship (though I call it “friendship”) from his life and we made a promised effort to get things back to the way they were before. We did an incredible job. Things were near perfect again. And then I got an internship in CA for the summer (we live in MI). Because he is ultra career-oriented I thought he would be really supportive. But then it all got complicated. Then he started talking about taking a break while I was gone. Except, I know I’m better than the pause button and honestly would have none of it. We stayed together and called/wrote each other every day, saying "I love you" and "I miss you." I came home four weeks into this ten week gig that I have on the west coast for a friend's wedding two weeks ago. He decided (I left the choice to him), that he would attend with me. When I got home on Friday night he didn't make much of an effort to see me, but when I saw him at the wedding everything immediately smoothed over. For about a half hour that is. And then he went into another "we should probably have a talk" mode. He told me he didn't see marriage to anyone in his long-term vision, so that it wasn't fair to me to continue the relationship (note: I have not been pushing for marriage at all). He also said he wanted to be able to be more selfish with his time and energy. But this time, I didn't get hysterical and go gangbusters to fight for it. And I didn't fight for it because I was headed back in 24 hours (which wouldn't be enough time to "save" it) and spoil the last memories we might have, if this was serious. But I did make it very clear that my heart was broken. I told him we couldn't be friends for now. That I didn't want to talk to him until I was healed and ready. He totally understood. We spent the whole day Sunday together. We went running, enjoyed lunch, had great (albeit bittersweet) conversation. When he took me back to the airport I played a song for him that I had listened to on repeat in CA. It reminded me of us and was by the same artist that wrote "our song." We both cried, and then said goodbye. Strange enough, throughout the day on Sunday he made subtle comments that make me sure that he's conflicted. For instance, when we were talking to lunch he said: "I'll make you a deal; when you get back from CA we'll talk about us." To which I laughed and referred to the pause button. And then later, after a beer or two, he had mentioned that he might be "ready again in September or October." (Ready for what, I don't know. Commitment?) Then, last night, after a week of not speaking (I have stuck to my guns), he text me. It came as a total shock, considering his personal will-power and legitimate respect for me. He text me using a pet name and saying "hope everything is ok with you." I haven't been able to answer back. I just don't know what to say. What's a girl to think? Say? Do? Should I respond to him, or cut him off? What is going on in his mind? Does this have a chance; will he come back?!
@Stacey......Well, you never mentioned you were talking to someone else too. Was this during your relationship with your boyfriend or after the breakup? So are you not into this new guy? Mason, we presume. We think there are more chapters to your situation, especially since you and your ex work together. When people break up it's not like everything just gets shut off. Feelings linger, thoughts linger. People sometimes question whether they made they right decision to leave, etc. We can't read his mind, but he certainly seems conflicted about all of this. Give it some time, try to be pleasant to him, and just see what happens. This might take some time to sort things out.
I hope he wouldnt talk to someone else when we were dating.. But the thing is he started dating her after he fond out I was talking to someone else.. Before he found out that I was trying to move on he was saying he wanted time being single and "finding himself". And the last time we talked or fought the last thing he said was " have fun with mason" if he truly didn't care about it and was moved on he would of left him out of it... And Not to mention at work the last few days he does things to be get around me. I don't know what do you think knowing this?
@Stacey........We're sorry you're going through a difficult time. This breakup might have been a surprise to you, but based on his actions, he's probably been thinking about this for sometime. This would also explain the new girlfriend. She's either a rebound, or more likely, he started talking with her—we're not saying he cheated—before he actually broke up with you. If that's the case, she's actually not a rebound, but his reason to leave. So you ask, will he come back? Does he miss me? Does he miss us? Undoubtedly he misses the good things you had together. And sure, it's possible he could want you back, but we wouldn't hold your breath here. He's not showing that he's regretting his decision. He's clearly trying to move on with his life. So we think you should try your best to move on with yours. (Working with him doesn't help of course.) We wish we could give you more positive news, but we're just trying to be honest. What do you think? We'd like to hear your thoughts on this. And feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Or another question anytime. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks! (Please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. Use PayPal button on any page of site.) No pressure of course, we’re happy to answer as many questions as you’ve got.
Okay so my boyfriend and I dated for 2 years and everything was great in my opinion. And he didn't show any signs of not being happy. But one day out of the blue he just decided it was all over. I mean we fought but what couple doesn't? and after we broke up I thought he would want me to try to fight for our relationship. But every attempt to talk with him about working things out it would just end in a fight. After we broke up everyone told me "don't worry he'll realize what he's missing" but I'm starting to believe that day will never come because, I don't know, he's too angry to see me trying to make things better. Not to mention about 2 weeks after our break up, after two years, he's already dating someone else. I don't think he would ever cheat on me. But do you think she's a rebound? To hide the emotions he didnt wanna show about the break up? After two years you can't just be okay with a break up...right? For awhile I left him alone, but we have a summer job together, so we both knew we were bound to see each other at the beginning of the summer, before I started working with him I was fined still was upset and missed him but I was trying to move on. And even after we started working together I was fine with acting like we were complete strangers. Then one night he texted me asking for one of his books back, thinking it was about more then just a stupid book. Because first of all I have had it for three months if he cared about it he would of asked for it a little sooner and also we have mutual friends he could of asked to get it for him. Well once again it just need in a fight.. Since then I have left him alone, acting perfectly fine at work and showing him I am fine without him. But his friends that also work with us always ask me if I'm talking to anyone and checking up on what I'm doing.. I guess what I'm asking is will he come back? Will he realize everything we had? Or do you think he misses us? And maybe what can I do? I just feel like the small things he has done have some underlying meaning behind them but he doesn't wanna come out and say " I miss you". Im pretty young but i know a two year relationship doesnt just happen to everyone when you are young. and I truly thought thing were going to work out between us. I just want a chance... Sorry it's so long I wanted to fill you in on as much as I could. any advice would be appreciated. Thanks, Stacey
@Lola.......Probably one of the reasons you're acting immature is because you're feeling insecure. When a person feels like they're doing all the work in a relationship, it's reasonable for them to get upset when they see the other person not putting in the same amount of effort. He needs to put more effort into this relationship if it's going to work at all. And the fact that you live in two different countries makes it all the more important for him to be putting in a lot of effort. Long distance relationships are not easy, so why don't you do this. Reach out to him again and tell him how you feel—you've got nothing to lose really. And after you tell him, put the ball in his court. Let him know that the reason you're fighting with him is because he's not showing you he cares about you the way you care about him. And if he really wants to be in a relationship with you he needs to put more effort into communication. After that, let him take the initiative. If he doesn't make an effort after you've given him the "green light" well then it might be time to move on. What do you think about this? ps. Keep us posted as this progresses. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And let your friends know about us. Thanks!
My ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago, the first month we were in contact: I beg him, cry, wrote him a letter. He said "he don´t have energy to be in a relationship maybe for this period"wasntboutfeelingsorotherwomen. We had a long distance relationship 2 years and something, but that never seemed like a problem, we were making plans cause we are just finishing college really soon. He was having some financial problems. Maybe I was acting needy or something, one week before we broke up I told him that maybe we need a break (I did this with the most inmature reason, I wanted to push him...he have to decide if he come or when we will meet soon) he told me that was stupid, that he loves me, I'm a part of his life and he is doing everything possible to come to my country is just money,school, and work are stressing him out. He always replied my msgs, he actually once called me to help me with the course of the language I was studying to come closer to the country he is living. But suddenly I got mad one week after and then he broke up? Then I mantein contact, he is always nice but never contact me by himself, he never let me waiting for an answer, he's always there. I know he have feelings for me, we have been trough a lot and I have this feeling that we were meant to be, but now appears that AH? so I stop contacting him now almost a month and he does not write me, I decide this cause I feel I do everything possible, I apologize, then act just cool, then just that he have a nice thought when he think of me. But what should I do. I am like nervous cause, he was always too proud and so do I, but you know love can do everything, so we really change while the relationship but I know for good, actually he many times say thanks to me cause he feel he's a better person, or is more positive about where his life was going, this is exactly why I don't know what to do. I don't want to be chasing him cause in the beggining he knows I am not that kind of person that is back of someone, but I tryed cause I really don't want to loose him, I a! m workin g on myself and I feel I had grow up in this long long 2 months. But he does not contact me and maybe he think that if I dont write me is because I don't care, but I care is just cmon I really feel like an idiot writting every time, I mean he answer and he always seem interested in what happen with my life and with the course of the language but never contact me. So I'm giving him space cause I feel that is a mature decisition, why if someone don't want to be in a relationship you would like to push and push and push him to be in one, so I act cool and I understand. But I really don't know if he gonna come back or I should wait or just loose the hope. When a guy really loves you, he come back? and how long it tooks to a guy come back when he is too proud? this is in the case he "love me" I guess he did, but when we broke up it seems like he does not love that much. I have him in FB and when we were together he wasnt using a lot facebook, now he is all the time there, is like he does not have someone to talk so he talk with facebook. (he is living alone and does not talk too much about his personal life with anybody, unless with me). Give me and advice, what should I do, I should wait for him to contact me? I don't feel I want to go on a date with no one, cause we really had a relationship, we shared a lot and for me is difficult to erase everything cause I felt this was the guy for me but Im very very reasonable and I felt this cause he was doing for me many things that I know no men that is not really commited to you will do. I am a person affraid of commitment and this is why everything seems more difficult to me now. A question is I feel he gonna come back, I feel was real and I am thinking and we had problems but nothing big, we were doing it really good. thats what I think obviously he does not think the same. But he prefers to loose me then working on us. Or he is taking me for granted? or he also think like I do: If she loves me he gonna wait. It is a rght decistion to give him this space? or he gonna think im not interested aymore on working things out?. I am afraid that he likes more his single life with his stupid singles friends, but then I think I was never this kind of girlfriend that is jealous I was actually always telling him to go out with his friends MALE friends. We meet 1 month before the break and some people say u see comming the break but I did not. He was the same as always, I know I was acting really inamture, fighting for everything like a kid but how do I show him I really change if we don´t talk. He is 25
@S.......Well, if you get back together and it's all good we wouldn't worry about whether at one point he doubted his feelings. Everyone feels doubt at some point, even happily married couples. But most of the time the person just deals with it on their own without even letting their spouse/partner know. So stop fretting about that. That's partly about your ego, and that's not going to help you moving forward. But back to your original question. Yes, you are in two different places, at least emotionally. And his comments about not missing you as a Girlfriend are not reassuring. It seems like a situation where he cares for you and doesn't want to let you go, but at the same time is unsure of how much he actually wants from you. Totally frustrating. We'd definitely go with some sort of deadline. He needs to really show you that he's willing to put the time and energy into this relationship. And that he loves you. If he can't do that, who knows when he'll be able to. Our gut tells us that this is going to end up being your decision, whether to break off all ties or not. Hang in there.
I agree that love is not enough to make a relationship work and its funny you say that because i always told him that from the beginning. At the time he didnt agree but now he does and he said the same thing that he just doesnt have enough time. But i also think that when youre in a relationship you have to work as a team and that no matter the situation you should be able to adapt to the change and make it work. His problem is that he doesnt like to depend on people whether his gf friends or family and he doesnt open up to anyone about his problems. I told him i want to be there for him but he says that since it has to do with me i cant and he wants his space. He said he doesnt miss me the way a bf would miss his gf lately so he wants space to see if he misses me. But then he will text me whenever he wants to so its just very confusing. Do you think maybe we are just at two different places in our lives? It just sucks because he is one of my best friends and if things do end i would lose him as a friend too because it would be too hard to talk to him right away. And the other thing that worries me is if he does come back i will always have that thought in the back of my head that he doubted his feelings for me at one point. Do you have any more insight? I was planning on giving myself a deadline that i havent told him about. Thank you for amswering my question. I really appreciate your help. Im glad i found this site and will definitely be checking it out and recommending it to my friends!
@Paiton....Sorry about your breakup. We need to ask first, how old are you and this guy? It will help us answer your question. Secondly, stop blaming yourself for everything. Maybe the two of you fought, and maybe you got angry at him, but it takes two to tango. He's part of it too. What is he doing that bothers you so much? Or what isn't he doing? Sometimes when people don't get any reassurance they act out and get angry. Is that's what's happening? What we're saying is you need to assess what's going on here and decide what you truly want? Is it him that you want, or is it a great relationship? Please fill us in, answer some of these questions and we'll respond again. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And let your friends know about us. Thanks!
@S......Well, your situation is different than some of the others, and it's WAY too soon to throw in the towel. First of all, you're both young. He started dating you at 21 and you were 22. And for guys, that's really young to be so committed to someone. Yes, maybe he was talking marriage for the first year, but that wasn't reality. Not that his feelings weren't real—they were—but the idea of marriage and a life long commitment were more his way of showing you how much he loved you. What he realized in the second year is that relationships are not just about giddy love, they require work, energy, commitment, and most of all TIME. This realization hit when he was faced with balancing school, work, and you. This overwhelmed him and he started pulling away. The good news is he's trying to sort it out. And while he's doing that you can't freak out. Professing your love is not the problem. He should know that you love him. It will help him. But pushing him away completely is not the best idea. Then how will he know he truly loves you? If he needs space give him some space. If you need some space, take it. But if you have any hope of this progressing, then at least keep in touch. Support him in his studies/work/life. Be his friend. Give this a little more time. Maybe set a deadline in your mind to how long you're willing to wait—not to him—and just see what happens. We know it's not fun to feel like you're in a holding pattern, but unfortunately relationships don't often follow a linear timeline. They're messy and circuitous. What are your thoughts? ps. Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And keep us posted as this progresses. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Hi so me and my boyfriend dated for 3-4 months which i realize isn't that long but anyways at first i wanted nothing to do with it him it took him a month to get me to date him but then once i did i fell in love he treated me like a princess we hung out every single day doing everything together we were like bestfriend. i was his first girlfriend. we never has sex though mainly because the last relationship i was in rapped me. either way me and my boyfriend faught regularly over little things they weren't big blown fights but just kind of little tiffies... and then the day we broke up i kind of broke up with him first which i now realize it was a big mistake i was more so acting out of anger either way we kind of got back together but i wasn't really sure so i asked him soo are we friends or what? which i wasn't really saying that so we could be friends i was saying it so i could have some reassurance that we were okay and dating again but it backfired in my face and he was ugh yeah were just friends my personality totally switched i originally begged for him back and whateveri said he refused he said he was tired of the fighting... i told him i wouldn't fight anymore but he was convinced. then a couple days later he told me he missed me but still was convinced we shouldnt be together.. so i decided to buy this book how to get your boyfriend back book and it told me to write him this letter basically saying im okay with the break and we needed space 2 days later he randomly came up and started talking to me about nothing serious thhheen 2 days after that he has a new girlfriend which confused the crap out of me people tell me its a rebound because there was no signs or him falling out of love with me before we broke up... like literally two days before we broke up he sent me a 7 page message saying i love your over and over and he told me he was obsessed and crazy about me and brought me roses and a card that he made saying ilove you in code then all out of no where he has a new girlfriend i'm sort of under the impression it is was all timing we just happen to be having a hard time in our relationship he started to doubt it this girl comes along who isnt fighting with him and is new a mysterious so he tries things out with her... i just hope he comes back i really do love him i felt like we connected better then anything in the whole world we had the same sense of humor just bouncing off of each other cracking jokes though the fighting is a big turn off im seriously working on it reading anger management books because i do get upset sometimes over stupid things i just need to learn to control and let things go...this new girl is just sooo not for him she partys and goes to raves and he is awkward around large groups.. i just hope he remembers all the good times we had and misses me and comes back is there a big chance that maybe his ego is in the way and hes just testing the waters because i was his first relationship..and just needs space because just the day before he broke up with me he was telling me that he plans on marrying me someday
Hey guys. i think i have a similar situation and was just wondering what you thought of it. so my boyfriend and i were dating for almost 2 years. the first year was great, he put in so much effort, made me feel so special, all my friends were so jealous of the way he treated me, and i never had complaints about him. during this time he was so in love with me that at times i felt as though he loved me more than i loved him and he even said that if he could (meaning if he had enough money saved up) he would marry me without thinking twice...after the first year, we became kind of long distance because i was still in school and he moved back to our home state because he wanted to start grad school there. for the first 4 months he still put in effort, everything was fine and he came down to visit me once a week. but for the last 4-5 months i noticed that he wasn't putting in as much effort, he visited me only twice in these 4-5 months, and once was because it was vday (i did see him on weekends that i went back home though too)..i also noticed a difference in texting and just talking on the phone but i didn't think too much of it, because i know he was busy with school and everything. there were times though that i felt he just could not balance his friends and me and i think that was one of our main disagreements. but just a couple weeks ago, i guess i voiced my concern about our relationship and out of no where he said that he didnt think we were meant to be together. i was very taken aback because i hadn't seen this coming. like you mentioned earlier, i guess he had been thinking about it for awhile and he said he noticed he's just not as committed anymore and doesn't have time for a relationship and he doesn't want one with anyone, he's got a lot of stress with school and a new overnight job as well as family stress. he said he tried to put in more effort in the last month (he came to see me twice) to see if he still felt the same (last year, after hanging out with me he would always have that desire to come back and spend more time together, and that desire to always want to talk to me and make me feel special and just be a good boyfriend). he said lately he hasn't had that desire to do the things he used to do for me and he doesn't know if its because he's just unhappy with his life that he just doesn't care to make me feel special and happy or if he's just losing feelings for me. he said he just wanted space to figure things out and see if he missed me and be happy on his own, and obviously i freaked out and made the worst mistake of begging and pleading and professing my love. this pushed him away for a bit but then i thought about it and realized he may take awhile to be happy again, and i don't know if i can wait that long because i don't know if he will even come back. so i told him i thought we should just break up. he tried to argue and say he just wanted space and agrees that he doesn't deserve me right now, but that the old him does deserve me. and if he realizes he made a mistake he will win me back. he also said he still wants to be friends and be there for me, but i felt as though i needed to start moving on in case he doesn't come back and he agreed its not fair for him to ask me to wait so i told him i'm not ready to be friends yet. but he still texts me here and there asking about me and my life so i'm just confused about what he really feels and if i should bother having hope. what are your thoughts? also I am 24 and he is 23, we both were in the same year at school but he did a 4 year program and i did a 6 year program so he graduated 2 years ago whereas i just graduated last week. i'm not sure if it has to do with maturity because i am pretty sure he is much more mature than i am considering he's been out of school and working and has a lot more responsibilities whereas i just graduated and just started working and having responsibilities. anyways, i hope you can give me some insight. i would really appreciate it. thank you =)
@Leilani......We urge you not to judge the entire male species by this one guy. This is not really a matter turning a switch on and off. We actually get the sense he kind of knew for a long time that this wasn't what he wanted. (Which might even be worse than turning a switch on and off.) Ask yourself, is he the kind of guy you want to spend your life with. Someone you can't really trust. But rather than write off all guys, think of this as a chance to really find someone who you can have a loving, respectful and HONEST relationship with. It's a new beginning. And once you get over the hurt and anger, you might actually start feeling some relief. Until then, hang in there and take care of yourself.
Thank you so much for responding!! I just find the "incompatibility"nonsense! And maybe that's just me cause I knew i was compatible with him 6 mos into the relationship. How is it that it has taken him 7 1/2 yrs to figure out that we are not compatible? It just doesn't make sense to me. Who does that?? This relationship has really put a bad taste in my mouth about dating in the future and possibly never wanting to get married. What's the point if they have the ability to turn the switch off at any point in time??
@Leilani.......It sounds like all of the above. Meaning, yes, it's likely a copout, and yes he probably felt the two of you were also incompatible for whatever reason. And the fact that the two of you have been through this two times now, probably made him less motivated to try and work things out. We also imagine as things progressed and got more serious between the two of you—engagement rings, etc.—he began to really take a hard look at what he wanted. For you the breakup seems sudden but it's likely he's been processing for months now. This is how it is with breakups. The person breaking up has been mulling it over for a long time and when they finally spring it on the other person it seems like it's coming out of left field, when it actually isn't. We're sorry, this is really hard. There's not much we can say except we guess it's better to find this all out now rather than after you get married and have a few kids. He seems a bit indecisive about commitment in general–at least with you. And from our experience, life is too complicated and complex to have a partner who's wishy washy. We hope this helps a little and gives you some perspective. Finally, the fact that he's already lined up other people so when he breaks up with you he has someone else to fall back on is a big red flag and shows a character flaw. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question now, or sometime in the future. ps. Please let your friends know about us. You might enjoy our "Relationship Memoirs" page, especially Charlotte Pescale's "Rebecca, a memoir."
Hello, So I recently broke up with my ex(on mother's day). Let me rewind to 7 yrs ago. Round 1: We were together for 2 yrs then broke up because he said I was negative and mean. (totally not true). I speculated there was someone else at the time and I figured that was a cop out to get rid of me so that he could give the other girl a whirl. I later found out that he was dating the girl that i thought he was into. I was head over heels in love with this guy and was totally heart broken. Well, 3 mos. later he started to creep back in my life, calling and texting to see how I was doing. I was unsure what his intentions were, so I just played it cool. 4 months later he contacted my friend and told her to help him get me back. We talked everything over and I agreed that we could give it a second chance. Fast forward to march 2012, things are perfect between us. He even contacted my friend for ring/ proposal ideas. Toward the end of march I started to get a bad feeling, the same feeling that I felt when we broke up 5 yrs ago. I started to freakout and I spoke to him about it. He said that he thought we were Incompatible and that if we ever got married the "negativity and meanness" would get worse! Mind you he never approached me about his issues that he had wih me. It seemed that all of this happened in a matter of 2-3 weeks. I told him that I loved him, didn't want to loose him, and wanted to work it out. I asked if he was on the same page and he said yes that he felt the same way. So 3 weeks goes by and it's total awkwardness. I felt like I was trying and he was holding back. However during those 3 weeks I started to notice that he was being secretive with his phone, and I noticed he was texting another girl. I finally confronted him about what I was feeling and it was so hard to get anything out of him. It was like he completely shut down. I ask, what he wanted and he didn't I know, I asked if there was someone else, and he said no. I asked him to tell me how he was feeling and he couldn't say anything. I then asked (3x) do you want to be alone? He couldn't answer me at all. Finally after much silence he said "I want to be alone". I grabbed my stuff and left! I haven't spoken to him since and nor has he tried to contact me. I'm not sure what to think, and it boggles my mind that he could throw away 7 1/2 yrs. I have to say that im doing a lot better with this breakup than the first, it's just I don't I know what went wrong. I thought the lines of communication were open b/w us, and not once did he try to come to me with the problems that he claims to have had with me. Do you think it's another cop out because he may have met someone else again? What are your thoughts? I'd also like to add that we are in our early 30's.
Thank you again, I've put a lot of thought into this and think I am just going to move on. If way down the track there is a chance that would be nice, but if I keep hoping I'll never be able to go on with my life. ps this website is great, sometimes you just need a quick opinion and this helped a lot. x
@Carmen.....Thanks. We though you might enjoy it. Thanks for spreading the word.
@Carmen......Well, you seem to have a good handle on this situation. To answer your question: Every person is different, and every guy is different. Guys take a bit longer to mature, so yes, a guy who has a fear of commitment can definitely come around. However, one thing to consider. A guy who repeatedly—we're not necessarily referencing your guy because starting a business is a huge undertaking—who puts his work and social priorities over his relationships is probably not going to change. How does this play out? Golf outings begin to be more important than going to his own kids' games. Late night work "meetings" tend to interfere with dinners at home. And frequent business trips trump family vacations. Etc. You get the picture. It's something to keep in mind moving forward. Individual freedom is important in relationships. Each person needs to be able to grow independent of the other person. But that growth should only benefit the relationship not pull people apart.
ps. yes i'm having a look at memoirs now... it's pretty cute and will be letting my friends know!
Thank you for your response! Well, we are in touch, but in the last week I've decided not to contact him anymore, I haven't told him. We started hanging out, trying to do things as friends for the last month. But he's said to me that it's getting him in trouble seeing me because he still loves me and he needs to concentrate on getting his future together (he is starting up a new business). He said that he won't be seeing anyone for atleast a few months. Whenever we see eachother again, everything is the same and it's still great. I should have mentioned before that a big reason why we stopped seeing eachother is because he's very ambitious and I think he feels being with someone might be a distraction to him becoming successful in the future. To answer your questions... I don't know how much freedom a person should demand. He's not actually asking me for anything, but I think that we could have a successful relationship in the future if I give him space now. I would not be ok if he had an affair if we were together which is also why I want to give him the freedom to have fun and not be wondering what if. I actually want him to go and be with other girls and if I meet anyone to go on with my life. We're both in our late 20's but I'm a few years older than him, I feel like I was a bit less mature at his age. I guess I'm giving him the freedom I had back then before I was ready to take something seriously. I guess what I'm really wondering is whether someone who is afraid of commitment ever gets over that with a bit of maturity and if he comes back we will have a chance without us breaking up because he is freaking out about his freedom. Or is a guy who is afraid of commitment someone I should completely forget? Do guys remember their great loves in the future or do they just forget about them?
@Carmen.......That depends on what he's doing or saying. Are you in touch? Does he reach out to you? Does he say he wants to get back together? Or is it happy for his freedom and glad to be able to date other women? And if so, are you okay with that? You see Carmen, giving up too much power is not necessarily a good thing. Sure, you want him to be happy, and you're doing what you think will make him happy, but there's a line to be drawn at some point. How much freedom should a person demand? If you were together would you be okay if he had an affair on the side? We're just wondering aloud about all of these things. We'd love to hear your thoughts on this. ps. You might enjoy our "Relationship Memoirs" page. There are lots of great women guest writers on there. And please let your friends know about us. THanks!
me and my boyfriend broke up 3 months ago. we've kept in solid contact, mostly initiated by him and did not see each other in person for about 2 months. once a week for the past month we've gone out together and it's always ended in sex except the first time where we both tried to put an effort just to be friends. when we broke up there was nothing bad about our relationship, however we got together very soon after he had gotten out of a huge relationship. we both initially thought that what happened between us was just going to be a fling, but it turned into a relationship. i have known him for a long time and he is petrified of commitment. I knew that even though things were going well with us and he was always faithful but i could see he although he loved me he did not want the responsibility that came with a relationship. we spoke about this intensively and we broke up 9 months later. i wanted him to be able to have the freedom that he was looking for. in the last week i've decided to completely cut contact for a few months so he can go and do the things he wants to do so that when he can be in a relationship he won't feel like he has missed out on life. i miss him a lot and i know he feels the same, but i don't want to be with him now when he is so afraid of commitment. we have something very special that i think will be hard for either of us to find anything else that is comparable. i'm just wondering if i give him a long time eg. atleast 6 months and leave him alone, if anything just try and be friends with him could he come back later? it just doesn't feel like this is the end between us yet, but for the moment i need to give myself time to either get over him or let him do what he needs to do. i'm just wondering if there is any point in still having hope
@Bec.......We're really sorry. We know this is hard. From what you describe, it doesn't sound like he's coming back. (Of course it's always possible) We're not sure what happened but we doubt it has to do with your behavior. Believe it or not, it's more likely due to his inexperience since you were his first girlfriend. He probably thought he felt a certain way at the beginning then realized as things progressed—and you had sex—that maybe he didn't. Sex is a big test for guys. If a guy is unsure inside, sex will let him know what he's actually feeling. What we mean is, if a guy starts to feel like he wants to flee after having sex it's a pretty good indication to him that he's not in it for the long haul. We know it's hard but we think you really need to move on. Take care of yourself. And be strong. you can do it.
hi, me and my ex dated for 2 months, it was short but we did a lot of things together. From the very first conversation that we had, we clicked automatically. We liked the same things and had lots of commonalities. We spoke to each other every day until morning time came and then we got together as a couple fairly quickly. I had my insecurity issues and I had told him about my past relationship that scarred me a lot. He had promised me that he wouldn't run away and basically told me that even after we have sex, we will still have fun together. I basically let my guard down and let him into my life and he let me into his as well. We had sex and I think we rushed into things; I was his first girlfriend and his first for everything. All seemed fine, but sometimes we would argue over petty things and I felt that there were tensions remaining but I would ignore it and pretend as if nothing has happened the very next day. We got along fine, and he would tell me sweet things in the beginning of the relationship. I felt that it was falling apart and then I think I messed up because I felt that I got too clingy and forced him to find me unattractive. I was afraid of losing him. Soon, in the course of two months, we went from closer than ever to nothing. He texted me that night and told me that he was losing feelings for me and he didnt know why. He had initially asked for a break, and then it seemed like he was breaking up with me, so I directly asked him and said are you breaking up with me. Then he said he was sorry it had to end this way. Instinctively, I begged and pleaded for him not to go and I was desperate to make things work between us. That was the last time we ever spoke to one another. He told me that he first felt that there was a spark but then now there is nothing left and he asked me to respect his decision. I was devastated. After that, two days later, he deactivates his facebook account, his friend deletes me off of his facebook, and then a week later, he changes his AIM icon because it used to be a picture of my dog. He wouldn't even come see me to speak to me about the break up, and I had something that belongs to him, but I don't know how I would return it. It has been a month since we last spoke, I keep thinking about him, over and over again, wondering if there is ever a chance between me and him and if he misses me at all. I keep thinking if he has blocked my number yet or anything close to that. My friend speaks to his friend and it seems that he has been doing fine because he always busies himself with work and he goes out with his friends every weekend. With his confidence, I think he has moved on and forgotten about me as well. I don't know what else to do; I don't feel like moving on because I feel like there is something left, but then again I am doubting that feeling. We had made plans together and we did have lots of fun together. I miss him terribly and I don't want to contact him because I am afraid of the rejection. I don't know if we can ever be friends again, but I would really love for that to happen. What should I do? Does it seem that we would maybe get back together from this situation? If it does, what should I do?
@Gem.......Yes, give it a week or so then contact him. Let him know you spoke rashly and out of anger. And tell him how you feel about him. Hopefully he'll understand and the two of you will get back together. However, it sounds like either way you've got some work to do to hash out some issues you were fighting about before the break up. Those should also be addressed in the conversation, or conversations. In fact the two of you need to do a lot of talking. Hopefully he'll still be open to working on things. Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question as this progresses. Hope it works out for you.
My ex and i were fighting lots over lil things. So during his exam time i suggested we take a break for a week just to cool down and have space. ( i see this as he was under a lot of stress & i was not thinking clearly at the time) Well he took that as i was done with him for good. All of the sudden he told me he didn't care about me anymore. (this came out of nowhere) i haven't talk to him in 2 weeks. I decided i need to give him time to let off some steam because as i thought this time apart would help us i feel as if he thought it was the end and gave up on me all together. We were dating for 2 years. Did everything together and told eachother everything. Always got through our problems but this time was different and it all fell apart. I miss him & really want to talk this over with him. I feel he still needs time to cool down. I think all this he did in anger because i suggested something he was afraid of. I want to wait at least a month and a bit before i contact him. I hope that he contacts me first so we can talk this over. How long should i wait before i contact him? Hope this makes sense. Am i doing the right thing by letting him be? Or is this no contact going to make him feel i really don't care?
yes i thinking now that he wanted to be in a relationship but not have the commitment, when we first met we had both taken long breaks from the previous relationships that we had before as both of our last partners had been unfaithful, so what i gathered was he hasnt cheated before. the chick he works with ran to his place to escape her boyfriend and after a few drinks they ended up sleeping together. maybe the present state of the relationship with my pregnancy scared him and he just bolted lol its not funny but i can comprehend the fear. thank you for your input into the situation you raised some important questions that i didnt really want to consider. i dont have much time left to think about my pregnancy as i have to go to the hospital tomorrow morning to have a termination so ive almost run out of time. my mind keeps changing over this situation its not good. There is more to life then sitting in uncertainty, i think i will climb out of the hole now :) cheers
@Chris..........Infidelity evokes a variety of responses from the person who was cheated on. He should be grateful for the fact that you're willing to forgive him and try to move past this. But he has to show he's really ready to change. Is he doing this? He definitely should be doing whatever he can to make this right, but leaving a job during this economy might be a bit too much to ask. But let's back up. Why do you think he cheated? Is it because he was dissatisfied with your relationship? Is it because that's the kind of guy he is. Someone who can't be trusted? Or is it because he's just not ready to settle down and that was his way of letting you know, even if he feels badly about it? Figuring out the answers to those questions will help you answer some of the other ones. (Whether you should break up or stay together) Also, your pregnancy certainly complicates matters. Don't make any rash decisions about your baby. Yes, we agree, forcing him into a relationship with you because you're going to have a baby is a bad idea. Eventually it will unravel. If you decide to have your baby then absolutely he should be involved as the father, but that doesn't mean he necessarily has to be involved romantically with you. (Although that's certainly the best option) So do some investigating and some soul searching and check back in with us. Feel free to ask a follow up question when you're ready. In the meantime, good luck. ps. Let your friends know about us. And you might enjoy the latest "Relationship Memoirs" on our new page on our site.
i was seeing a guy for 10 months, its not very long but we got on really well from the moment we met and it was awesome. so a few days ago he slept with someone else, he told me he was sorry and he didnt mean to do it just happened??? I can forgive him it just takes time. he said he feels really shit about what happend and asked me what i want him to do to make things right, so i asked him to get another job.. as they both work together and its too hard for me to handle. he said no he needs the money. he left went to work and texts me he feels like shit for whats happened and he always wrecks things, i text him back we just have to work through it then he texts me "i think you hate me and it wouldnt it be better if we just say we tried and it didnt work the first time for us" i said okay then. then he texts me back "ive handed in my cv for another job. So i think hes broke up with me but i dont know? he cant say it. or have is that how he says it. also i am pregnant but planning to have a termination as i dont want to have a baby on my own, or force him into fatherhood, he has come with me to my doctor appointments prior to all this and he wants to take me to my hospital when i go in as i have no family here. if we have broken up what do you think the chances are we will get back together? or should i just move past this all?
@Tonia.....He's trying to figure out how to be with you and at the same be true to his faith. The two don't necessarily jive. Maybe at first he thought love conquers all, but now he's not so sure. Give him a little time to work this out, but not forever. We do however, like that you're both discussing this issue BEFORE you get married instead of after. So many people think marriage is going to solve all their problems and instead it only magnifies them. Good luck. Final thought: You need to think long and hard about whether your difference in religion is going to continue to be a problem. It's not just about the marriage vows. If you decide to have kids what will you do? How will you raise them? Etc. These are all issues that need to be discussed. Yes, we're jumping the gun a bit here, but if you're already having difficulty just the two of you, imagine bringing another person into the mix.
Hi there... I was dating this amazing man that professed his love for me. we talked extensively about our differences (mainly religion) He is Mormon and I am Baptist. I was very upfront with the fact that I would not become Mormon or choose to be sealed to him in the temple. It was not a problem... now, 9 months later it's a problem. He wasn't forthcoming about this issue... and created excueses to cool the relationship. Now we have been back and forth a few times... I feel like I should walk as he still sits on the fence trying to decide what he wants. He tells me that he is in love with me and is afraid of loosing me.... what is going on???
@Anahita.........We're sorry. But if this guy is going to live his life by his parents' rule there's not much you can do about it. Just think about it. Even if you were together his parents would feel they could dictate the course of your lives. That's no way to live. In our opinion he needs to break free from his parents' hold first before he can date anyone. Sure, in some cultures this is harder than others, but still, if he can't think for himself than he's probably not ready to be in a serious relationship.
HI Guys we were in relationship for an year,it was like a fairytale we were too happy together,until his parents came to know about us,they were against it,so my guy decided to move on as it will be difficult for us later on,his parents faced some health issues,when he talked abou us to them,,he told he cant kill his parents for us,so we are not in touch,,actually he is not,i try to call him everyday i scolded him for being a coward,and said every bad thing to him,he does not reacts,we dont live in same city,so i couldnt even meet him for last time,he keeps on escaping from meeting me coz he thinks if we met,we will again get attached,but it is nt helping me at all,i am not out of it,its been a month all this is happening,all i want to know is will he ever come back?does he feels for me anymore? he deleted his social networkin site,and is not talking to anyone,but only to his colleagues,he only cried once when picked my call and told he loves me and misses me and is helpless,i see dreams that he came back and hugged me and whispered in my ears that everything is fine,,we had more of an emotional relationship,,dont know,i love him alot but he has closed his eyes and ears for me now,
@Karen.....We're really sorry. His actions seem to be saying he's moving on. We're sure he'll miss some of the good times you had together, but it's hard to say whether those thoughts will be enough to bring him back. As far as you pushing for the engagement, well that seems to make sense after four years of dating. And you probably just sped up the inevitable, so don't beat yourself up over that. It wasn't anything you necessarily did that drove him away. He probably wanted to feel a certain way and he wasn't feeling that. So it might be best to move on, but that's up to you. Take care.
I just got out of a 4 year relationship. We broke up in 2010 for four months then got back together. The past few months, he's been distant. He stopped telling me about his day, calling/texting, planning dates, etc. For months I did all the date planning and pushed him to communicate with me. I talked to him several times about this issue. I told him it needed to change immediately. I felt alone in my relationship. He would agree that he needed to do more but ultimately never would. Well, we broke up on the 9th. I went home after spending time with him, called him and told him I felt alone. Instead of saying he would change, he gave up. He said we were done. I really thought this break up would be easy. I thought I was already used to being alone but the truth is, I wasn't ready to let go. I wasn't ready to let go of the good times we had together. The past few months have been bad but there were plenty of good moments as well. I miss him every day. I cry every day. I want things to be just like when they were good. Things got rough after I pressured him to propose. Part of me thinks that I should have kept my mouth shut. The other part thinks its better to know now then as opposed to later. I don't know if he's going to miss me and want me back. I hope he does because I'm miserable without him. Do you think he's going to miss me? Should I just move on? Thanks for any advice or input.
@Sheila.....Glad we could help in some way. Please keep in touch and feel free to ask us another question anytime. Take care.
Hi again guys. Its sheila from about a month ago. Part of the advice you gave me was to "extend an olive branch" and talk things through with the guy I was having a shaky relationship with and who had left at that point in time. Just a follow up, we cut each other off, and after he did not invite me for his birthday, it sunk in and I reached out to him because of how much the relationship mattered to me. He seemed very surprised but happy that i reached out and proceeded to contact me often and even initiated THE conversation, concerning the issues we had with each other. Things were going well and finally, we had sex. The day after, he starts acting distant and when I confronted him about it saying I wasn't ready to go in circles with him all over again, he said there was nothing wrong. I brought to the table issues he had with trusting people and opening up, and also shutting me out and limiting how close I could get to him. He admitted he is not an 'available kinda guy' and that's the way he is with everyone. As he did not see that changing, He said we should just be friends. We haven't talked since. I was confused for a while but eventually decided I need more from the guy I want to be with. Thanks again for pushing me to communicate. Communication seems so simple but when done right, yields the best results. I want to hate him but I can't because a part of me feels he has deeper issues despite what it might look like, which is " hit it and run"
i am in my late 20s and been in a relationship for 4years now. it was only months into dating with my bf that i moved to a new country for work.we still decided to carry on and maintained a long distance relationship for a year after which he moved to the same place for work.During these years i always felt that something was missing and whenever i tried to talk to him about it, he would dismiss it as a figment of my imagnation.Along the same time i met this guy at my new work place and though we weren't best of friends bt in the last 2 years we had started to be on good terms. we would meet up frequently after ofc hours and he had even met my friend. Soon i relaised that i was falling for this friend of mine, but decided not to pursue it on the next level as it would mess up a good friendship.My bf had met him a couple of times. recently my friend decided to go back to his country (we belong to the same country) and on his last night i ended up confessing my feelings for him. We kissed and ended up at his place (no sex)..and he did reciprocate back... he said he did feel something for me and that i sud have let him known abt it long back... however he said that since he is moving away he doesnt think long distance stuffs wrks and he didnt want to mess up my life...i asked him if we cud give us a chance to which he said that i was more better off without him.after he left i confessed to my bf that i was in love with someone else. my bf still wants to be with me (saying he forgives me for my mistake) and frankly no matter how much i try i just cant go back to be the same now with him. it feels like i am continuously forcing myself... on the other hand my friend didn't contact me for a week and after that just text-ed me asking how i was doing. few days later i ended up replying that i was in mess all coz of him. he just answered back saying he doesn't know what to say and then again same question (after a day or two), as to how was i doing. my bf knows it and says that this guy doesn't cares and that for ! him it w as just a matter of scoring with a girl and that no good friend makes out with his friend and doesnt even contacts back properly... this really hurts coz even before everything happened i really had big respect for him... now i am totally shattered and unable to decide... i know there is no future with my friend and i am now not sure if u sud still continue with my bf... sometimes i feel like a jerk to leave behind such a nice and loving guy and yet i cannot bring myself to be emotionally or physically close to him...should i be in touch with my friend or break off all contacts?? please advise me ...
@Maggie.....Some people are more decisive than others. Some people just aren't in touch with themselves enough to know what's up or down. And some people question every decision they ever make. Is it the right one? The wrong one? Also, some people feel guilty if they know they've hurt someone. That's why sometimes guys behave badly so their girlfriend will break up with them so they don't have to feel guilty. Most likely it's a combination of all of the above.
Hey guys. So once again, he said it wasn't a good idea to hang out. I was finally fed up with him coming back and leaving all the time so I told him if he's going to act like this, he should stop wasting my time. I was fine without him and every time he came back, I would be upset. After I told him that, I felt a lot better. Now my question is... why does he act like this? He comes and goes, he's very indecisive, he's hot and cold. I've never had a break up like this. They were always easy where we never spoke again and moved on. This one is just full of confusion and emotions.
@Maggie.........Yes, we can see why you'd be confused with this "back and forth." Your ex is sending you mixed messages. However, just wait and see what he has to say when you go for a walk with him. But our question to you is, can you handle even going for a walk with him without getting sucked back into the confusion? There is no way to guarantee that he'll stay, so are you prepared to get caught back up in the whirlwind? It's up to you. We try to just paint the picture but not actually tell people what to do. So you have to ask yourself what you really want. Is this what you really want, especially since you say you've been doing well. Also: It's very normal for people to feel up one day and down the next after a break up. Take care of yourself Maggie. Think about what you want and need and make your decision based on that. Good luck.
Hey guys, So I followed your advice and moved on and I've been doing really well. However, the other day my ex called me out of the blue. He said he isn't uncomfortable with me anymore and he wants to hang out. He wants to go on a walk and talk because he "has so many things that he wants to tell me". Then he mentioned that he met a friend who is exactly like me only he's a guy and he reminds him of when he and I first met. I kept the phone conversation brief and tried not to sound too eager, but I didn't deny him to hang out. I told him he could let me know when he wanted to. I'm not sure what to make of this. Is he trying to come back? At this point, I'm kind of tired of him leaving and coming back and leaving again. What should I do and how can I make him stay for sure this time around?
@Mae........You need to back off and give him some space to think. Be patient and see what happens after a week or so of no talking. Long distance relationships are very hard. And without consistent communication on both sides it can be extra difficult. We can't say whether this will work out, but if you stop pressing him at least you'll get some answers. One Red Flag: The fact that he says he loves you one day and then says he doesn't the next. Why is he so quick to turn? Something to think about.
hi guys, its me again. recently, our relationship has turned into love today and hate tomorrow. Most of it because of communication issues. We are dealing so hard with a long-distance relationship. I recently had the biggest emotional break out. I sent him an sms first thing in the morning, got nothing until end of the day. There were days when he just shuts off for no reason, like when he is busy and he doesn't care if i exist. So i got fed up of the cycle and being on that period of the month when I get extra emotionally sensitive for no apparent reason (it happens rarely), I sent a final email saying how i see our relationship. Me putting an effort. Him being wishy washy about everything, saying he loves yet does nothing for the relationship. Morning he sent an sms. Saying I was crazy. Turned out he got a broken smallest finger and claims that he spent a whole day in the hospital. I didn't budge, and challenged his reason by saying that a broken finger doesn't need an entire day in the hospital to be treated. It doesn't take a minute to inform someone of what happened to you. I think it pissed him off more. He asked me to delete his number. I said no way. Explained to him a bit about my take on the matters and my intention of trying to be more open to him to sort out our issues. The tables are now turned. My letter was like a goodbye letter to him, pointing only to his failure to back up his love declaration with actions. So now, he is the one asking me to leave and to stop chatting with him. I don't have any intentions. When pressed more if he still loves me, he said No which I find unbelievable because a few days back, he just said he loves me just out of the blue again. I've tried explaining again, but to no avail. But what is the best thing to do now?
@Abigail.......Yes, to all of your questions. But it's hard to say when. We know you've probably heard this before but the two of you are young. Maybe you are mature enough and settled enough to handle the responsibility of a child and the hard work it takes to be in a committed relationship but he's certainly not. And therein lies your problem. He's just not ready yet. It's obvious he loves you and cares a lot about you but he also wants to have his freedom. He realizes he can't have both so he's struggling to figure it all out. Of course we don't blame you for not wanting to be dragged through the mud while he tries to figure this all out, but believe us, he's kicking himself even if he doesn't admit it. So you have some choices. 1. You can get back involved with him and hope he comes around soon. 2. You can do your own thing and maybe in a while he'll come back and be ready for eveything. 3. You can move on, take care of your child and try to rebuild your life without him. ......We do believe he'll have regrets if he loses you completely, but love and relationships are as much about timing as they are about anything. It's just hard to say when he'll figure it all out. A month? A year? Ten years? Never? We wish you the best. Hang in there.
Well.. I just ended my 3 year relationship with my ex. I am 20 and he is 21. We were great together. We have a child together. Honestly i thought he was the one. He put a payment down for a ring(engagement) He was sending all these mixs signals. Hot and cold. One day he couldnt be happier the next he wasnt sure if he was ready for this relationship. We had 2 major break-ups. But we still somehow came back because we missed each other. He wouldnt cheat physically but he would give his number to other women. And i knew it was to flirt. He would be out late with his friends. Just having a blast while i stayed with our child. I think he had commitment issues. I finally had enough of his childish games. I told him we we're done. I meant every last word of it. I look at it as you are either with me or your not. I couldnt handle the lies anymore. He cried knowing i meant what i said. But didnt fight to keep me. When we broke up i left to my mothers house. But i talked to him over the phone before i left. I cried over the phone because I knew I couldnt go threw this roller coaster any longer. He sounded sad and I could tell he wanted to fight but was afraid to. I told him i had to go i can't do it. He just couldn't hang up but i convinced him. I have not talked to him since that phone call. He has tried to contact me but i can not find myself to do it. I love him so much but i feel I need to be happy and not worry about what he doing or who he is with. I want him to fight for me the way i faught for him the times he wanted us to be over. I want him to miss me because he needs to miss him in order to know what he lost. I'm tired of all the bs. I wanted so badly for this to work. Well my questions are.. Do you think he will want to get back together? Do you think he regrets taking my love for grant.. Will he ever change and fight for me.. For what i believed in? Thanks..
@Estelle.......At this point your boyfriend needs some space to process how he feels about you and the relationship. It's best to let him do this. Your relationship is poised to jump to another level and it's pretty common for guys to get freaked out with talk of marriage, etc. (Even if they're the ones to suggest it.) Be patient and just see what happens, but don't pressure him. We can't guarantee that he'll be back but all you can do is take him at face value. If he says he'll be back then you have to believe him. Keep us posted. Good luck.
My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years broke up with me 2 days ago. We have both been very stressed lately and arguing more than usual. I have had a lot of family and health issues and he has also had some minor family issues and it is his BUSY season at his work. He is a manager so he gets stressed very easy. We are not the type to usually argue and latley it seems like we can't stop (sometimes it's kind of just nit picking) but he hates arguing and stresses him out more. He told me he just needs some time and some space. He told me that he wants to get back together but he just needs some time. He told me yesterday that He loved me and that he needs to figure out what's going on with him. I'm completely devastated right now because I know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life. And just a week ago he was talking about marrying me and being with me forever. I understand he needs some space. He is spending the weekend with his family at their beach house and he said to just give him until the end of the weekend. Do you think he will come back to me?
thank you (: i will try and i was wondering because he says he cares and treats me most the same.. even has dreams about me so kinda confused LOL
@Lola........We're sorry you're going through a tough time. When break ups happen they are often a surprise to one person. We hear that a lot. "It came as such a surprise. One minute he loved me, the next he didn't." But the thing is breakups are a process. Often the person breaking up has been thinking about it for a while. Your boyfriend in this case had been thinking about it for a while before he actually broke up. So honestly there's nothing you can do right now. You can't force him to come back or to feel for you the way you feel for him. You certainly can ask him to explain it to you again but there's not much you can do but move on and focus on healing. If there's another girl out there for him, then there's certainly another guy out there for you. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
we dated for 16 months and he was in love.. i could tell .. always talked about our future.
hi guys! so i need your help with my situation. About 3 weeks ago my ex and i broke up.. i was devastated because a week before i went for my surgery he said he loved me and we talked about our future even made a puzzle piece necklaces. he wore my name and he gave me his. ANYWAYS. he said he just didnt feel the same and that he had "convince" himself that he likes me. he says he doesnt like my personality as much anymore, while i love his. some "cons" bug him alot. and he wanted to break up. He didnt have those awesome fantasies anymore and hw wants to feel them again. that week, he called me twice to get back together and then finally ended. he said i was the only girl in school he would date but he thinks that there is a better girl out there, and sure he'll find her. he's said he loves me like good friend and doesnt wanna stop talking to me. we acted liek nothing happened the first week. he seemed like he liked me but i knew he really didnt. the second week he IGNORED me. i was confused and decided to NC. then this week he's been msging ocasssionally. idk what to feel. cause he tells me dreams about me.. and complements me. can you plz give me some advice on what to do.. i really love this guy and im not angry with him and i dont feel like he's coming back because he's so sure... but i wanna know my chances. He's not a jerk, but kinda.. seems like one. i tell him everything he was my bestfriend, and i was his. i asked him how he can get over it and he said it was happened for a month its just he wasnt sure, and he doesnt look back but forward because loooking back will just hold him back. any idea what he's thinking or my chances, or what to do? THANK FOR THE HELP.
@Christina.......We're very sorry you're going through such a difficult time right now. Breakups are always sad. It's like you've lost a part of yourself. However, maybe it's because we are on the outside looking in, but from what you describe about your relationship, we're not sure what you're getting from this relationship besides having someone in your life. It feels like you're willing to overlook anything just to have him in your life. And frankly, that's not going to make you happy in the end. All you're going to be is frustrated and resentful and angry. Trust is a huge part of any relationship. Actually without it you don't really have much of a relationship. And for good reason you really don't trust this guy. Sure he may be fun and essentially a nice guy, but if he's a chronic liar and exhibits other behaviors that you find distasteful that pretty much trumps all the good stuff. Because without serious intervention, or counseling, or some other reason for him to change, he's not going to. We realize you've lost your family, but do you really see this guy as being the solution? We know how hard it is to extract yourself from someone you've been intimate with for so long, especially when your lives are so intertwined, but you might need to. You're certainly not going to get him back by pursuing him. He has to be the one to come back to you. We know you're scared he might realize he's better off without you, but what about you? Do you think you might be better off without him? It might be hard to think about now, but it's something to ponder. Take care of yourself and hang in there.
My boyfriend and I of 5 years just broke up today.I am really sad about it and I donnot want it to be this way. We have broken up before but the longest we have been without one another is only a few days and even though we just broke up today, this one kind of has that final feeling to me. When we first got together, I was fresh off a break up and was having trust issues when I got with my boyfriend of now. I thought I had met the perfect guy. We got along really well, he was patient with me, understanding, and adored me a lot. He always would just look at me like he was soo in love with me and I never had that before. He knew I had been cheated on before and he promised to not cheat on me but then of course the relationship went sour. He has a porn addiction which I hate and has been the source of our many arguments. It was to the point where I had even caught and saw pictures of random women butts he saw out in public on his phone. He is a pathological liar that hates confrontations so he lies about the smallest things. He admitted to cheating on me throughtout our relationship at a time we broke up and I wanted him back and he came out and told me the truth of him cheating so that I would move on. It didn't work and I have tried and tried to rebuild trust with him but it is hard when he lies to me. The lies are never about serious things but still I hate it. He has said I pushed him away because I did not trust him fully. I always told him like everyday I wanted to break up but not meaning it. Since we last got back together I have not suspected any cheating but the problem is each time we have gotten back together it has been because of me dragging him back and I have felt in the relationship he was only there because of that but he made sure to tell me even so if he didn't want to be there believe him that he would leave. So this time it ended badly with me getting physical with him and that is something I have never done was put my hands on him. The frustration of lies just overwhelmed me. I feel bad and I want him back but I promised myself I would not chase him anymore because I want to see if he would come back on his own but the problem is where I might have felt I had a chance now I feel there is none because of me getting physical. I want to reach out but he left his cell. We share a plan ..so besides me staking out his job I have no way of contacting him. I want to know will he come back? He is the nicest guy. We have a lot of fun together and he tells me everytime he has never loved a girl as much as me and no other girl has made him want to be faithful and change. It is just he has some bad habits like porn and lying that got the best of the relationship. I want him back and I don't know what I should do. I lost my family and I have no one and he lost his mom at a young age so I depend on him a lot but now I feel like I will never have him back . I am scared he might realize we better off not together :(
@Ginger.......Why not wait a few months? You've been with him three years, which is a substantial investment of time. A few more months seems a short time to see how things unfold. We agree that he seems like he wants to be with you but for whatever reason he's having a hard time committing. It may be his own personal issues, or it might be that he's not sure about the relationship and he's just not telling you something. But a little space will give him some time to do some soul searching. Hopefully he's just having cold feet and will realize how much he misses you. And it's pretty common for guys to feel this way as things get more and more serious. Hang in there. And keep us posted.
@Nandini......Read our response at our post: "Private Talk." That's where you originally left your question.
So my bf of 3 years and I agreed to split up last weekend (my doing). I wanted things to proggress and know that there was a future and that the long distance in our relationship was going to come to an end at some point. The long distance itself wasn't the issue and we had been doing it for the last nine months. Neither of us were thrilled about breaking up but we had tried a month break with no real progression or answers coming out of it. He still wasn't where I needed him to be. He sobbed a lot of said he tried hard to get there, but that he still wasn't there yet. Realistically, I know that a month isn't enough time, but he and I have been having the same convo for a year and he said he wouldn't be in a relationship with me if he thought it was going nowhere, but he couldn't provide a timeline of when things might happen. I just needed to know the long distance was going to end at some point and that there was a future. So we (I) decided to split so he could figure out his marriage issues and so I wouldn't be so toxic by constantly nagging or feeling upset just b/c I'm unhappy in my situation with my job that I moved for and being away from him. I feel like if he comes back and has time to miss me and think things through, then it's meant to be. Just hoping he does come back and gets it together which I don't know if that's realistic. He was crying Sunday morning and told me that it wouldn't be the last time we'd see each other, that things would work out and I had to have faith. I said but we're breaking up...and he told me that this was good for the future of the relationship and that I was too important to not have in his life. I told him not to contact me unless he had come to a decision because he had suggested we still keep in touch, that I can call whenever I needed, and that he wanted to hang out during easter when I was back in town. Sigh. I hate this because I feel like we both want it to work but we're at two totally different places. He wants to get married at some point but has no idea when and won't articulate anything unless he's 100% sure he can commit. He said he's thought about it often and with me, but can't give an answer. There's no one else in the picture and I truly believe he is just indecisive and has a lot of fear (he's been poisoned by some of his coworkers unhappy experiences and wonders if the same things would happen to us). I now also feel like I have this hope or maybe even false hope that it could work out and I'm not sure if that's realistic. I really love him, I know he loves me. Our relationship was otherwise great minus the progression piece. I don't know if I should wait around a few months and see if he comes back or just move on. He's already broken down and texted me twice (five hours after he left and the next day). Help!
Hi, He is a very good friend of mine. We met at our workplace. I was always dependent on him for getting my work done and he was very good at his work. He is not very popular with girls and Im not that pretty or interesting either. We both became very good friends and I started to fall for him. We used to talk a lot on the phone. At that time we used to not meet outside much as we were just friends and we would meet in office. As time passed, we used to touch each other and when i asked him if he liked me, he said no. He said that he made a mistake by touching me and all and thats its not possible for us to be together as he himself doesnt feel that way for me. I was totally shattered at that time. And my exams were nearing so he just agreed and told me yes and broke up with me after my exams as he didnt want my exams to suffer. I cried and begged. So he agreed again. He said he will talk to his parents about me. We both belong to different religions and his parents are totally against my religion. though he is not very religious. He spoke to his parents and they didnt agree. His mom, whom he is very close to, didnt talk to him for days together. he was getting very frustrated day by day. he used to even fight with me for the silliest reasons. He said that he was not able to give his 100% at work as well. So finally he told me the truth that he doesnt love me. That he has tried but he just doesnt feel anythng for me. It hurts me so bad when i hear this because I love him with all my heart. How do I get him back? How do I make him feel connected to me from his heart? Please help me. I really love him. We have agreed to remain friends, but he has nt called me even once since the break up, its been about a week.
@Maggie......Didn't we answer your question?? The thing is, you can't make anyone come back. They have to decide that on their own. The only thing you can do is make it light and easy so he can remember why he was with you in the first place. We know you're hurting but there's not much else we can say. Hopefully he'll change his mind and come back to you. Take care.
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me back in December. He said he didn’t want a relationship anymore and really just wanted to be best friends with me. It came out of the blue to me and I was really shocked and upset when he brought it up. We had a really good relationship where we didn’t fight, always compromised, and enjoyed each others’ company. We still kept in constant contact and hung out after the break up. In January, he said he missed me and we got back together for a week but then broke up because I think I tried too hard to make the relationship go back to the way they were before instead of starting over and taking it slow. We broke up for good but still hung out. It got really hard to be his friend because I couldn’t move on. I suggested that maybe we shouldn’t see each other for awhile so he said we shouldn’t see each other for a month until I moved on because he said he already did. During that month, I saw him twice at parties with our mutual friends. I also stopped contacting him often and he would occasionally contact me first. When the month break was over, he asked to meet with me. I thought things would be good again, but it wasn’t. He uninvited me to a concert and said we shouldn’t be friends yet and we should continue not seeing each other. He was unhappy when I said that I was over the breakup and that I haven’t been thinking about it. He said he didn’t expect me to say that now. He asked me what changed, but really nothing changed. I just accepted the fact that I need to live my life without him and became more independent. I asked why he was being like this and asked if he still had feelings but he said no. He said he was uncomfortable with me. I don’t understand though. He said he would happy again when we could hang out with each other and see each other again. Now he’s unhappy and uncomfortable. Does he have feelings for me, but won’t admit it? I really miss him and I really wish we could get back together, but it doesn't seem like we will. What’s going on in his mind and what can I do to get him to come back to me?
@Maggie.......It's hard to say how long. Just keep your chin up. We also think you need to try and get involved with some other activities to take your mind off of this. Even if you start talking again there's not guarantee it will work out the way you want. Hang in there.
I understand and I have been doing well after the breakup. I started feeling sad again when he uninvited me to the concert we were going to see in May and said he wanted to continue not seeing each other and not be friends now. I agreed to giving him more space, but how long until it's too late to fix the relationship/friendship? We don't talk to each other as often as we used to. I'm afraid he will forget about me and not even consider getting back together at all.
@Maggie....The only way to do this is by not putting pressure on him and the relationship. You have to be patient and just see how it goes. So you might need to put your referendum on not being friends with ex's on hold, until you sort this out. We see this going slowly. And the only way to do this is to start being friends and enjoying each other's company. If it's the right thing to move forward with an actual relationship both of you will know and it will seem natural and right. And Maggie, try to have some fun here.
I don't want to have to be "just friends" and I even told him that exes can't be friends and I've never stayed friends with an ex. I'm hoping that if we have some sort of friendship now, we can rebuild a new relationship and be happy with each other again. Any advice on how I can do that?
@Sheila...Well he sounds a bit conflicted. It's odd that he came asking for exclusivity but then disappeared. But honestly this sounds like the nature of your relationship. Neither of you seems willing to trust. (This could be for good reason or it could be each of your own issues or past experiences.) But if you want to move this relationship forward—besides having fun and remembering why you like each other—one of you is going to have to extend the olive branch and get some dialogue going. Because you two need to have some real heart-to--heart conversations about how you're both feeling. He needs to know your concerns and you need to know his. And this should be done without accusations or mud-slinging. It still may not work out but at least you'll know that you gave it everything you could. Good luck.
As a female, now I feel the misunderstandings were somewhat baseless and not warranted. To start though, I had already heard negative things about his circle of freinds and how they treat women which was a red flag coming into the relationship and I let him know that. I was focusing a lot on the cracks in our relationship and not the progres we had made. I made him feel a lot like he had to prove himself over and over again. Putting all this in writing now is actually helping me see the places I went wrong... For his part, He got upset if he heard I was still dating but yet it didnt seem like he was being exclusive. And he wasnt always accountable to me with his time so a lot of times, there would be gaps in time where he would 'dissappear'. My reaction to these times would always be to ignore him for a bit. But the last time, He just didnt come back. 3 days before the last argument, he had been somewhat distant and when he finally decided to see me, he said he wanted to be exclusive and be official. But then he dissappeared for the entire weekend. I went ballistic :( I undestand what i have to do and make things fun to remind him why we have been for a while now. Any other comments or advice you offer will still be appreciated
@Maggie......We know it's hard but you need to be patient here. Wait a few weeks and then send him a friendly text saying hi. See how he responds. Then wait another week or so and do the same. Of course he might start doing it more frequently before that, but you need to take it slow. (We know you miss him.) Then after a month or so maybe invite him to something mellow and very non-threatening and fun. A lot of this will be dictated by him, not just you. You might be surprised. He might start communicating with you more soon. He just needs to feel comfortable and it might take him a bit. Hang in there.
@Sheila......Based on the back and forth nature of your relationship he wouldn't necessarily make a move if he wanted to be with you. But what are these misunderstandings? It seems at first he was way into you, then it reversed. What's going on really? We need a little more info. It just seems that the two of you communicate differently and that you need to figure out how to get on the same page. First identify what the actual issues are, then go from there. However, the key to getting back together is making things fun for a while. He needs to be reminded why he fell for you in the first place. What was it? You need to present that person to him. Yes, you are a complex being, but relationships also need to be fun. If the work part of the relationship becomes greater than the fun part it's no longer worth it. We're not saying that married couples should split up because things get tough, we're just saying there needs to be a balance. And in your case the balance is off.
hey guys. Just a heads up, this might be a tad bit long because id love you to see all sides to this to help with your feedback :) Ive known this guy going on 7 months now. For the first few months, we talked everyday, flirted a lot and only made out on two occassions. Since we started talking, we haven't gone more than 4/5 days without talking. He came on strong however, I have a demanding schedule with work and school and wasnt able to give him as much time as he wanted so things fizzled a bit. During the winter break, we got to spend a lot of time together, he was so attentive and loving and we decided to try to make it work. Ive come to learn that he is very picky about letting people in. It took us 4 months to even get to talking about his childhood or family. he hasnt had a girfriend in 5 years. I asked if he would be okay waiting for sex and he agreed that there was no rush. But then a lot of misunderstandings would happen. He would do things to assert his independence and i would rant and rave thinking he was with someone else. Ironically, he always came back to make things work until the last argument. I begged and pleaded with him to try us again but he said he was tired of going in circles. eventually he agreed to try but things weren't the same, i acted out too during that period and within days, he said being friends is fine with him. He still texts me everyday (as awkward as the convos can be sometimes) and calls me in the early a.m's to see if im with someone else i guess. I miss him terribly. And I do believe I might love him. we're both stubborn and not the best at communicating. I feel like I should give him space but at the same time, i dont want him to decide this is definitely over and move on. We havent had a face to face convo in 2 and a half weeks. I dont know if im not pushing enough but I do know if he wanted to be with me, he would make a move.
Thanks guys. I guess my follow up question is how to get him to come back? I sent him a text saying that i accept his decision to continue not seeing each other and saying we both needed space. I also said sorry that we can't be friends now but I'm sure we can in the future. He responded right away saying thanks and that we wanted to be friends in the future. Maybe this is me being impatient but I do miss him a lot. It was a good relationship and I'm sad to see it all had to come down to this. How long until I can see/talk to him again?
@Maggie.......Breakups elicit a broad range of emotions. He may have been feeling excited to be friends until it became a reality and then he realized maybe it wasn't a good idea for him. Here are some possibilities. 1. He's worried that you might still be into him so he doesn't want to lead you on, and even get into that at all. 2. He may still be a bit mixed about how he feels and seeing you is just uncomfortable. 3. He doesn't want to hear about any of your new boyfriends, etc. Friends tell friends things. Remember Maggie that most couples don't become friends after a break up. Maybe they're on friendly terms but it's rare for couples to all of a sudden start hanging out as friends. It just gets too confusing, and often it makes it difficult to move forward. Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And let your friends know about us. Thanks.
I dated him for about 9 months. He broke up with me because he didn't want a relationship anymore and he really wanted to be friends with me. I couldn't get over our break up and be his friend so we agreed to not see each other for a month. He said he was excited until we could see each other again. After that month, he started acting weird. He uninvited me to a concert and said we should continue not seeing each other because he wasn't comfortable being friends. He was unhappy that i got over our break up. What happened? He said he got over me and didn't have any feelings for me. I really miss him as my friend and I was hoping to rebuild our relationship. What's going on in his head?
@Christa........We're sorry you're going through a rough time right now. Hang in there. First let's clear up something. His single friends may be influencing him but if he was completely committed to you they still wouldn't be a factor. They wouldn't be able to steer him at all. So let's focus on him. How old is he? You didn't say, but we'll assume early 20s. Sometimes younger guys go through these phases, especially when they are faced with the biggest change/commitment of their lives: Marriage. We're not sure what happened two years ago, but the fact that your wedding is coming up surely has impacted his behavior now. So the question is: is this just a phase and then he'll come to his senses? Or.... Did your engagement make him realize he isn't in love and not ready to make a commitment? Either way he seems to have trouble with commitment in general, and frankly, this is somewhat of a red flag. And multiple break ups does imply a possible pattern of behavior. So, we think this is more up to you rather than him? We know you love him, so ask yourself if you want to wait around for him to figure his life out? (You might) Or do you want to move on and give some of these other guys a chance? And is it even possible for you to move on while you're still thinking about him and hoping he'll come around. Feel free to follow up with another question. And please keep us posted. We're pulling for you.
Dear guys, I am going through a recent broken engagement and struggling. Almost everything for the wedding was planned and paid for and everything was going great. Now, he is in the military and we have been long distance our whole relationship even though we are from the same town. I have been completely faithful, even through his deployment, but soon after he returned he said he wasn't ready and just wanted to be single. Exactly two years ago he did the same thing (we werent engaged then) but he came crawling back after two months. We had our occasional fights like every couple but for the most part everything was perfect. Both times he has broken up with me were when everything was going perfect. I am very good about letting him have his space and have his time with his single army buddies and the girls they hang out with. But, i still love him and i don't know if he feels the same way. I did everything for him, but i enjoyed it. What are your thoughts? Do you think he will come back again after his single phase and just wanting to party? I have other great guys that are interested in me but its hard to give them a shot since i am still hoping he comes back. I strongly believe that his single friends have a great influence on our breakup because they wanted him to be single too. But he gets out of the army in a few months and wont be around thise guys anymore.
So I have dated this guy for 2 years and we talked about marriage, a family, moving in together, everything. About a year ago he ended things out of the blue an was a total jerk about it. He came back after 6 months of separation and we had 7 months of happiness. Well we got into an argument over finances an I apologized saying I was in the wrong and he said he wanted to not see each other every weekend like we were because he needed time with his friends and I said okay when have you not ha time. Well we disnt talk for a day and he said I need some space and I asked if he was going to break up with me and he said no I love you and want to be with you. You make me happy. I said okay enjoy your weekend with your daughter (she's 5) he was married before. Well exacty 2 day later he broke up with me sayin I was too clingy because I wanted to talk to him every day and he needed space. I said 2 days ago you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and he said i dot know I just had a change of heart. I'm so hurt and confused now and I miss him an love him dearly. I haven't talked to him in a month now and i don't know what to do. His family thinks he's scared and he loves me and wants to be with me but isn't sure he is ready. I just want to know what is going on? Is he going to come back again?
@Sarah.....Breakups are always complicated and not always black and white. Guys never want to think of their exes with other guys—especially in a physical way—even if they don't want to get back together. We(guys) obsess over that kind of stuff and our egos cause us to behave erratically. (This is why he's hot and cold with you.) The only time this behavior will stop is if he starts dating someone else seriously and is happy and content with the new relationship or if you start dating someone else seriously and tell him to stop bothering you. But overall his mixed messages mean he doesn't see the two of you together even if he thinks you're wonderful. However, the only way to know for sure is to put your heart on the table and tell him what you want. No guarantees but at least you'll get your answer and know whether it's time to move on or not. We know this is hard so hang in there. And all the best. Please keep us posted. We're interested and pulling for you.
Hey guys, I previously asked a question but never got it answered as I didn't respond to your email in time. Doesn't matter though, because everythings changed now haha. Anyway, I'll try to be quick :) just need some advice too please! - I'm 17, by ex is also 17 - we dated for a year and both lost our virginity to eachother - we had a very strong relationship but had the occasional stupid little fight - he broke up with me on the first day of our final most important year of high school - broke up with me because of our first major fight, which was pretty much about me being insecure as he was hiding things from me, such as facebook messages and texts (even though he said he didnt have anything to hide, and i believed him) he has always deleted them, but never been secretive until now - he wanted to remain best friends - i did no contact in order to give us both some space and to get my head around the break up - we go to the same school, are in the same friendship group and some classes together, so pretty exposed to eachother - get along great now as we have spoken about the breakup and put it behind us - about a week after the break up (which was over a month ago now) he told me that he was not over me, but didnt see us getting back together - he got with a girl at a party when he was very drunk - i have since got with another guy at a party, which made him get very jealous. he told me he didn't like the thought of me with another guy. he looked at his pictures on facebook and told me he was a lucky guy to have gotten with a girl like me, and was upset that this guy was so much better looking than him - after that, he hardly left me alone. he texted me non stop, facebooked me, was all over me at school. he was flirting like crazy, always touching me, telling me how gorgeous i am and how much of a great kisser i was and everything. he even kissed me on the lips a few times and keeps kissing me on the forhead. - he sends me love hearts all the time, and says im his best friend - all of a sudden he completely stopped with all the texts and all the attention outside school, however continued to flirt a little when he was with me - i decided to leave him make the effort, though i spoke to him when i crossed his path and stuff - when i dont talk to him he tends to make more of an effort to try and talk to me - he gets upset when i go to parties incase i get with another guy - he keeps getting hot then cold, and acts as if he wants me one day, then doesnt even look at me the next - one day, he almost kissed me, and then pulled away saying "im sorry i cant, what would you take it as? mates?" - it seems as though he doesnt want me, but he doesnt want anyone else to have me. - i still love him and i want him back, i just dont know how to go about it, and dont know what these mixed messages mean? - what do these mixed messages mean? - is he leading me on? - how can i get him to stop that? - can i still win him back if he "doesnt see us getting back together?" how? Please help, i cant lose him :( it was such a preventable breakup, and a very spur of the moment thing as he was super upset. thank you so much!!! Sarah
@Dolly.......If you agree to basically a Friends with Benefits relationship then you can't say he's using you. Isn't that what he's asking/saying? He wants to go back to the way it was, which was the two of you enjoying each other but with no commitment, right? And on the flip side, we're not sure why he feels insulted that you felt used. He was the one that called it quits right after the two of you slept together. Honestly, we think going back to the way you were is just going to lead to more confusion because it was unclear what that actually was. Why don't you have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and tell him how you really feel? And then based on his reaction figure out where he stands. And then, if the two of you are on the same page, move forward, albeit slowly. But keep your eyes open and keep listening to your gut. Good luck.
Hello guys My little update- he confessed to being an idiot and has been somewhat sympathetic. He's been trying to explain his actions, what he meant by his words and swears that he would never use me. Apparently he's also insulted that I think that I would. We argued some (not hugely, it was rather slow and petty) before I asked what he wanted. He said he wanted what we had. I told him I was happy how we were and pointed out how naturally we got there, but said we should start a fresh. Surely if the attraction is there we'll be back to our old selves in no time? I'm still confused, guys. Do you think he sounds like someone who is just petrified of commitment? I don't ever want to allow myself to be used by someone, but I don't want to pass up on this guy either. I don't know if I'm leaving myself open to be hurt again.
hey hmm we fall apart cause of our distance he said that he's done with me. it was very heart broken but then i try to move on. month passed and one day on facebook he added me and he commented on my pics and then we have little fight on facebook , i posted a pic of some model and i wrote 'my man' on it and he started saying shit about him he ask me that if he;s my boyfriend i thought i should play a little but he started bringing our issues . after a month he comment on my picture "jeez your pretty" and the next day he messaged me and said 'i miss you' so i thought maybe he's changing so i called him but he hang up on me and after a month he blocked me on facebook !!! i think i still have a feeling for him but i need him so i will appreciate it if you guys will write me back thanks.
@Dolly......We're really sorry. We can see why you are so confused and hurt. Honestly, we were smiling reading your note until we got to the part where he called it quits. Either this guy is a great actor, or he's got some other issues going on that you're not aware of. It sounds like he viewed the relationship as a "Friends with Benefits" arrangement. Although he seemed to take it a bit further than what we typically think of when we think of FWB. It seems he likes the idea of being in a real relationship more than the actual relationship. Or maybe he just doesn't really understand what it takes to be in a relationship, and that's why it seems like he liked you one day and not the next. It's more he was acting out his own little fantasy and when it became more real he freaked out. Maybe you have a long history with this guy, but there's certainly a part of him you might not know so well. And judging by his recent behavior he doesn't seem like someone you can trust. We hope he'll be considerate enough to talk about this and give you some real answers. Good luck.
Hi guys I've been seeing a guy only since Christmas. We've known each other out whole lives. We lost touch years ago but got back in touch via the internet a few years ago. Last year we met up a few times and had dinner as nothing more than friends. At Christmas we went out, drank a fair amount and slept together. Since then, we've been very close, have since slept together and spent time together and communicate all the time. We started planning a holiday together for the summer but hadn't highlighted any commitment. We both have crazy busy jobs and I study too, which takes up a lot of my time. We don't manage to see each other more than every other week but it's him who texts me first every day and says goodnight and him who initiated all physical contact initially- he kissed me, etc. He has asked me to spend his up coming birthday with him and told me when it comes to mine, he'll be surprising me. He told me about ex girlfriends and being hurt in the past and he's helped my confidence by telling me I'm pretty, cute, thoughtful etc. His compliments have put me on top of the world. This weekend just gone, he booked a beautiful hotel. We had a good weekend and went our separate ways. On Monday he asked what people had said. He told him I'd been asked questions by my family and he told me he wasn't going to spend nights with me anymore. Of course I questioned it and felt completely used and insulted. On Sunday he slept with me and on Monday he's already calling it quits. I told him I like him and he seemed to get frustrated, saying he doesn't see me as a girlfriend and doesn't want to feel like he's in a relationship with me. I'm mortified. I've told him I'm upset and angry and feel used and he says he didn't use me, but we are just friends. He asked when I was going to make it clear that I wanted something more and I told him I had no plans to because I was happy with the tempo and happy being close to him without having to worry about where we were headed. I sent a text asking why he kisses me, is all over me, tells me the sweetest things that he does yet views me as nothing more than a friend. He hasn't answered. I also asked if I'd done something wrong this weekend and he said no. So what's up with him? How did I go from someone he liked to someone he didn't in only a day? I have a huge history with this guy and I feel horrible.
@Penny......Yes, his actions are confusing. It could be a number of things. Guilt. Inability to face difficult issues. Lack of empathy. Selfishness. Fear. It's hard to say. One thing's for sure, this guy hasn't been honest with you and that's a huge red flag. Is this the kind of person you can really trust and count on? If he doesn't have the decency to even explain his actions to you he's probably not the guy you thought he was. So in this case you should look after yourself. Immerse yourself in the things you love and with the people who care about you. Maybe he'll wake up one day and guilt will overwhelm him to seek you out and talk with you, but the ball's in his court. There's not much you can do really. Just hang in there. And take care.
@Ava.....We're really sorry Ava. Break ups are very hard. Hope you're hanging in there. People are always impacted by their life experiences. Those experiences shape them and inform their future decisions. So sure, the fact that he was pressured to do things he wasn't ready to do by his ex will forever impact the rest of his relationships. So in some ways, cold feet and gone forever are somewhat the same because it's the same guy. He may always have cold feet which will look a lot like gone forever. Does this make sense? Meaning, let's say he comes back. Will he back to stay or will he run again sometime down the road when it's even more heartbreaking for you? We can't answer that question but it comes to mind when reading your note. Some guys just have a difficult time rising to the challenge of a committed relationship, which takes work and isn't always blissful. Hope this helps a little to explain what's going on. Take care.
Hi guys, im 31 and my boyfriend (34) of a year and a half called me last week and said we need to leave things for a while and he doesn't know what he wants. He has often told me - when drunk that he wants to have a family with me, we'll have a great wedding, I'd make an amazing mother etc etc. I have met all his family and have grown very close to them. I am left feeling totally heart broken as I thought this was the man who I would grow old with- I thought he saw that too. I know he was pressurised by his ex to get married and have kids and he ran a mile. I know I need to get on with my life as hard as it is. I haven't contacted him as I want to give him the space he has asked for. We rarely argue and are always happy around each other. Everyone who knows us is in complete shock at this- he hadn't told a soul he was unhappy. Does this sound like cold feet or gone forever??! Thanks
Hi Guys, I have been in a relationship with a guy for the past 6 years. We had a break in between for about a year and a half where he broke up suddenly for some stupid reason. He was going through a tough face career wise that time (or so i thought) and gave him space to figure out what he wanted. We were really in love and extremely compatible. He called on my bday and a couple of times signalling he was still thinking about me. I called him one day, we spoke and everything was the way it had been before. No arguments or accusations. I was so deeply in love that had complete faith in him. So, after an year or so, he again broke up last year for something as small as calling him 'insane'. Recently, i got to know that he had been in another relationship with someone i knew as his 'friend'. She is an extremely insecure and suspicious character and never could really trust him. She always tried to find out if he was in touch with me. And as far as i know she emotionally scared him by being emotionally dramatic, beating etc. He has known her an year before he knew me. Whenever i got wary and asked him directly about her, he always said she was a good friend. I kept faith. I now know that he must have had some bond with her more than friends that she acted so crazy. I know that we had a deep connection. He told me every little thing about him, his family, dreams etc...can't understand why he concealed the fact that he had been with her/was with her even after having an open communication between us and knowing me to be non-judgmental...Was he scared i would leave? Was he unable to decide who he wanted to be with? After he got to know that i found out about her, he has now blocked me online instead of coming out clean and talking about it with me. As far as i know he's not in touch with anyone much. He's completely immersed himself in building his career and work friends. As it seems to me, he's escaping dealing with things/is at a loss at how to deal with it. Maybe he's running away from the guilt. I have been understanding in every phase of his life and kept complete faith as i feel there is desired in such a relationship. This whole new dimension to his character has come as a shock to me. It's been a little time since i found out and am still unable to comprehend what exactly was going on/has happened. Given the way we were with each other, it has left some questions in my mind as to him as a person. What do you say? Will he have the courage to come and talk about this? What should i do in such a phase? Please advice. Thanks.
@Karina......We think trusting your gut is a good thing. Things may work out but not if you push the issue. Give him some space to think about things. He's confused, and there are two possible reasons why. 1. He's not sure how he feels, and he needs time away to realize how great you are and that he loves you. Or 2. He really does know how he feels—that he's not in love with you—but he's afraid to tell you because he doesn't want to hurt you. We can't say which it is but eventually you'll get your answer. Give him a few weeks and then reach out to him. Tell him you really care for him, but want him to be honest with you about where he really stands. Because whether he delivers good news or not so good news, at least you'll know. That's better than being left to wonder. Good luck and take care.
So me and my guy decided to go on a much needed break after constantly fighting about time seeing each other, etc. That night he told me he loved me and was so scared to lose me, and I said everything would be ok, in hopes of reuniting with time. He told me he loved me as he walked out the door, and I did too, sad of our break. A few weeks pass by and we decide to sit down and talk, it went well. Although, I kind of had to push him to come over... We decided to take it slow. He kept saying I was such an awesome girl and he never wanted to lose me and he loves me. He seemed so willing to try it out again, and that made me really happy. About another week goes by, and I am confused about us because he never calls/texts me, I only see him through work. So I call him and ask him what he wants. I flat out told him I would love to work things out at his pace, whatever he would like! He said why are you pushing me. I told him just to tell me directly and he finally said he doesn't want a relationship. As like human reaction I just started crying...and took it as a break up, he was pretty frustrated, saying he didn't really want to deal with this. He didn't want me to hurt. He wanted to know why I even wanted him, he knew he wasn't good enough for me. He threw his phone, yet I still stayed on the line. I told him I love him so much. Again, he kept saying he loved me and really didnt want to lose me. He explained his financial stress and how hard work had been since he was trying to get a promotion. we work together But during that phone call he was just kind of mean sounding, like annoyed. I told him I was willing to listen to his venting and he just shooed me away! It really felt like he didn't want to talk about it. I agreed to be friends because that's what he wants. I told him I would be there for him for whatever he may need. I was so sad. But I hung up the phone because he wouldn't say anything. Right after that phone call he texts me saying how everything reminds him of me and how he loves me so much. I replied with the same thing, that I loved him. And it has been a few days, and I haven't spoken to him. I'm kind of waiting for him to contact me....? I really want to work things out with this guy, he just seems so confused. I just have a gut feeling things will work out, we were so into each other!! So here come the questions: do I just leave him alone or can I text him? How long until...? I want him to know I'm still interested, what should I do? Will he change his mind and come around? Should I make an effort to be his friend? I don't want to force him into this, but I just have a gut feeling....that I should just do my own thing, and time will bring him back around....any advice? Thanks, your advice is much appreciated!!!
@Molly.....We're sorry this is so confusing and difficult and sad. It's good that you're trying to move on. Clearly he was not ready for a real commitment, and not ready to be honest and open. Yes, we think he will try to get you back. He's already laying the groundwork for this move by contacting you. We can't say what his motivations are though. It could be that he really does still love you. Or that he regrets what he did. It could also be because he realizes you truly are moving on and he doesn't like that. (Some guys, even if they don't want the woman they are with, still don't want the woman to be with anyone else. At least until they're settled and happy themselves. And even then, not always.) But frankly from all that you say, it's probably better to move on and try to start a new life without him. There are plenty of trustworthy and good guys out there who understand what it takes to be in a committed and loving relationship. Take care and best to you.
Hi Guys My ex of almost 4 years and I were very close, we were best friends, we had been through so many hardships together and it made us even closer. I never cheated, he was really possessive of me though (to the point of telling people I was his wife without my knowledge).. Towards what I guess was the end, we were on the rocks a little because he had moved and he didn't exactly break up with me. He told me he wanted to start a life with me and that he was very deeply in love with me and that he needed to get his life together and go back to school so he could be something and then we would get married. And then he disappeared for 6 months, no call, nothing. I had no way to contact him. I thought he was working 2 jobs and going to school and cleaning his life up because that's what he told me he was doing. Later I found out he had started a new life and was living with his new girlfriend. I found that out by accident. He found out I knew and called me from a blocked number saying he still was in love with me, that he didn't love her and that he liked her because he didn't have to care about where she went. He told me he still had all our relationship stuff and things I had given him and that they had arguments over him still being in love with me. He told me he regretted letting me go..That she treated him like arm candy and he hated it... I didn't know what to say, but clearly his actions spoke very loudly and he was not going to change this anytime soon...So, I wished them the best (sincerely), and i got off the phone....In my head though, I don't know why he chose to call and tell me those things. It made me so confused and very deeply heartbroken, more so than before he called. If he really wanted out of the relationship, he got it, he didn't have to call when I found out, he didn't have to rub it in. I am doing my best to move on and I am dating again. Do you think he will try and get me back? In a few months I am leaving my job and I could transfer anywhere, he knows this and I am thinking he might try to contact me then and convince me to move closer to him. I am thinking I should prepare myself for this or block my number. I don't know what he is thinking with his actions. please help.
@Daphne.....Your ex may still love you but that doesn't mean he's coming back. (He could, but we don't know him and what he's thinking.) What we can say is, the only way he might come back is by you giving him space to figure things out. We realize he's with a new girl, but you can't get involved. He has to be the one to come back to you. We think you should move on and try to find a person to have a healthy relationship with. If you do that, even if your ex comes back to you, you might no longer be open to him. But at least you'll be in a good frame of mind to make the best decision for yourself.
Hey Guys, So my now ex of a year and a half broke up with me. We have had an unhealthy relationship, but at the end of the day we always loved and cared about each other. The reason he broke up with me is cause I had asked a girl he had been talking to if they were into each other(doing stuff) and he called me freaking out and broke up with me then and there. I have talked to him before a few times and I met the new girlfriend(the girl i asked if she was into him) once. I asked him if he still loved me even though all this happened, but he has avioded this question. I am moving on, though I have that one question floating in my head if my ex may love me still even though he has a new gf and is trying to get over me with another person to distract him. Is it possible he may be hurting himself and this girl by handling the issue in a childish way? I still love him and would like to try again slowly.
@Vanessa.......Sure, there's always a chance things could work out. But it just seems like this guy's track record is a bit shaky. He seems like he's not really sure WHAT he wants. If you move back, it's possible you could be with him, but the question is, would the same thing happen again. Is he going to change his mind like he did the last time? We can't answer that for you, but it's something to consider. Good luck.
When i went for summer vacation, i connected with an old acquaintance of mine, and we spent like a whole month flirting and we met occasionally. One day he asked me out and confessed that he reall liked me and wanted to give us a shot. I accepted. We met every day for a whole week(a record for me since i tire of men very quickly, but him i could listen and talk to forever) but we connected in such a way, you'd think we'd been together for ages. He knew 'd have to go back to my home country in a month but we'd said we'd make it work somehow, since i would be moving there next year(he even made me take his best friend's number so he would keep an eye on the guy) but one day he'd said that things wouldn't work out between ua because he simply didnt have enough time and it was easier to break it off now because we'd just end up hurting each other with the distance and the mistrust. A few months after that he tezted me becauae he was feeling guilty for how things turned out and for the hell he had put me through. I last spoke to him on new years eve(i'd called to wish him)when he asked me when was i coming back. His best friend(now a close friend of mine) told me the guy wouldnt talk to me because he was afraid that he'd hurt me. I want to know if there's any chance on him and me getting back together because this is driving me crazy and i cant wait to move already! Please help me out?
@Jenna.....Yes, it's definitely possible. In fact this exact scenario happened to One of the Guys here. He and his high school girlfriend broke up at 20 and reunited at 26 and are now married. However, there are certainly no guarantees. The reason it worked for them is because they were both out in the world exploring. That's what needs to happen with you. If he's out figuring out what he wants, you also need to be out in the world exploring and dating other people. If you get back together it will happen organically. We know this is really difficult. Hang in there.
My boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with me out of nowhere. We had the best holiday of our lives and were great together. He said he had been thinking of doing this for a while now, but there was no sign of any restraint at all. He could never stop hugging me or anything when we were together. And last night we talked about the break up and he told me that he couldn't commit to someone when he was asking himself "what if" and i understand this because we have been together since sophomore year in high school and he has never dated anyone else. We had a very special connection and relationship. Do you believe there is any chance that he could come back to me after he experiences some life on his own? He tells me he still cares about me and loves me so much as a person, but I regretfully love him still wholeheartedly.