The Guy’s Perspective

Bob and George at a cafe. Dan comes in later.

George: So what’s the latest with Torrie? Any word?

Bob: Yeah. We’re meeting up next week.

George: That’s great. Maybe it will work out after all.
How did you get her to actually talk to you?

Bob: Well I've been calling her everyday now for over a week. Finally she picked up the phone…. I just told her how wonderful she is and that I missed her a lot.  And I
apologized to her at least ten times about being so stupid.

George: So you basically groveled like a desperate loser.

Bob: Yeah, something like that.

Dan enters cafe. Waves.

Dan: Hey Guys!

George: Hey Dan.

Bob: What’s up?

Dan: Not much.

George: It’s good to see you.

Dan: Yeah, good to see you guys. George I'm sorry about that whole “Chicken Video” thing.

George: Well, it wasn’t your fault. And anyway, Amy's been mad at me before. She'll get over it.

Bob: So how is the porn world these days Dan?

Dan: Not so good. I’m currently between homes.

George: What do you mean?

Dan: Well, there was an incident at my parent’s house.

Bob: What kind of incident?

Dan: Well, it's kind of embarrassing.

George: What??

Dan: My mom saw me naked.

Bob: Saw you naked? Like how?

Dan: I was just walking to the shower without a towel.

George: That doesn’t sound like a big deal…. like you said….maybe a little
embarrassing.

Dan: Well it really wasn’t a big deal, except….(pause)

Bob: Except what?

Dan: Well, at first it WAS just a little embarrassing like you said, until my mom started staring at my penis.

Bob: What do you mean?! She kept staring at your penis?!

Dan: YES,  she just kept staring at my penis!!

George: Yikes! Can we say, awkward?

Bob: Why would she do that?

Dan: I don't know. It WAS very awkward. After she stared for what seemed like forever she said, “Dan, why is your penis purple?”

George spits out his coffee.

Bob: What?!!

Dan: I was mortified.

George: That is too funny.

Dan: Yeah, real funny…..It was awful, especially when I realized…

Bob: Realized?…What?….What did you realize?

Dan: Well I didn't even know it was purple until that moment. Then I realized why.

Bob: I don't get it!!!……Can you PLEASE…EXPLAIN..why your penis was purple?

Dan: Well I was eating beets. And then I
did…..you know…….."THAT"…..

Bob: What’s "THAT?"

Dan:  You
know……."THAT"……. (makes a motion with his hand)

George: Wait a second…….."THAT?" …….Oh my god, that is just too perfect! (laughing)

Dan: But I wasn't going to tell my mom that. So I said, I don't know mom. And I put my hands out for emphasis.

Bob: Oh my god.

Dan: Then she said, Dan your hands are purple too?!

George: This keeps getting better and better!

Dan: I didn't even know what to say. So I ran to the bathroom and slammed the door. Of course I left the empty can of beets next to my computer. When I went back to my room after my shower, the can was gone. My mom must have found it. One way or another she put it all together.

Bob: Man that is so sick. Who eats beets and does "THAT" at the same
time? .

Dan: Well, I love beets. And I…I was hungry. Jeez, what’s the big deal??!!

George: Well that's a new one for the books
for sure. Well at least she didn’t catch you with your pants around your
ankles.

Dan: That might have been better.

Bob: So what, she kicked you out for having a purple penis?

Dan: No, my mom is totally cool. She would never kick me out for that. And she
probably didn’t even tell my dad.

Bob: So why are you between homes?

Dan: I’m just too embarrassed. I can’t even look at my mom without feeling like
a sicko.

George: I’m sorry to hear that Dan. Quite unfortunate.

Dan: So I really need to kick this porn habit. I think I’m
going to join a support group. There must be Porn Anonymous or something like that.

Bob: I’m sure there is. There’s a group for everything.

George: What you need to do is join us and become a vegan. You’ll feel
better, and it will help cleanse the toxins from your body. It might
clear your mind too. 

Dan: I don’t know if I'm up for that. I have more pressing matters anyway. I need to find a place to stay.

George: Bob, you’ve got two
bedrooms that aren’t being used?! Dan could stay with us. What do you think?

Dan: That would be amazing!

Bob: Well, I don’t……

George: C'mon, it will be great.

Dan: That would be so cool!

Bob: I guess it would be all right.

Dan: Sweet! (High fives George and Bob) Thanks Bob, you’re such a good guy.

Bob: I know. That’s my problem.

Next week: Torrie is back. George and Dan attend their first meeting. 

Posted in Relationship Humor: Bob the Vegan