This Guy gets screwed!
Posted by One of the Guys on September 24th, 2009and was filed in relationships with 21 responses, what do you think?
We've been a bit more serious here at The Guy's Perspective. More serious than we'd like actually. It might be the fact that it's turned prematurely cold where we live. And as you know, we don't like anything that starts with premature. But since we're in this serious mode we'd like to continue for just a bit longer. Monday, we'll be back with something on the more humorous side.
The other day while meeting with a friend, ONE of THE GUYS heard a story that resonated with all of us. It resonated to the point where we're now writing this post. The story was all about how the courts decide child custody during a divorce. In an earlier post this week we gave DIVORCE a "NOT" review, because of how difficult it is for everyone involved. No one ever thinks they'll get divorced, but life happens. We'd like to share this story with you about one of our own here. A story that might sober you up and make you try and save what you have. Guys and Gals.
One note to our female readers. We understand that all issues are complex, but this is one GUY'S story.
Here We Go.
This GUY is happily married to his wife, who he thinks is happily married to him. They have two daughters whom they both love. The Guy has a special bond with each of them and spends a ton of time with the girls, playing with them, reading to them, coaching them. They have a great relationship. (This is not to say mom doesn't, but this is the story of the GUY.) So meanwhile, mom really isn't happily married to him and she meets some sexy, rich guy at a conference. One thing leads to another and she starts having an affair. This goes on for a few years without our GUY knowing. He finally figures it out. Actually, NO…. he doesn't figure it out. She finally comes clean when she asks him for a divorce. OK, it gets worse. So they get divorced and she gets remarried the next year to this other Punk…..we mean guy. But her new husband actually lives in another state, several states away. He's got this nice life there, so he wants his wife to move. (Yes, they got married living it two different states.) Well our GUY sees the writing on the wall. If mom moves, his girls move too. Which would give our GUY two choices: miss his kids terribly, or move his whole life to live near his girls. Not with them, but near them. So a custody case ensues and he fights it and wins. Sounds good. Nope!! The ex appeals it. She's got money now. And the court appoints a Guardian Ad Litem to oversee the case. After two weeks of visits the verdict comes in. Our GUY loses. Wife gets to move with the girls. The girls are devastated. So is our GUY. Sure he can visit, but gone is any semblance of day to day living with his kids. And you know what the decision was based on??? This is a quote: "A happy mother means happy kids."
Are you friggin' KIDDING US???
This is where the story stands now. He has to figure out his new life as an estranged dad, or as a person without roots. Very sad indeed.
We know that being a GUY can come with some advantages, especially in the workplace. But when it comes to divorce, GUYS get screwed badly. And this is just one case of many that happen everyday.
So we'd like to know your opinions on this touchy subject.
What is going on?
Why are GUYS getting the worst of custody decisions? Should they be?
And most importantly why aren't courts making both parents change THEIR lives AROUND their kids? Not force kids to move because mom OR dad wants to get laid more often?
You don't see us pissed off too much, but thinking about this makes us so sad and angry!
THE GUYS
Hey there Guys! Man this is such a sad story!
It’s really stupid that the society is based on the simple knowledge towards kids that they should be with their mom. I think it’s mainly because, she carried the kids for nine months. So automatically it’s a hidden rule that kids should be with their mother in divorce cases.
Okay in a lot of cases this can be true, but this doesn’t mean that a guy can’t take care of his kids or that he doesn’t know what his kids want or need. It’s a silly generalization and there are a lot of factors that need to be taken into consideration before you can say to who the kids belong.
A happy mother means happy kids?!?! Please this is so general and really not something you can state as a fact. I can’t believe that this was the final decision. Injustice happens everywhere, but it’s just extra sad when kids are involved. I wish the Guy who the story is about all the strength and let him stay positive. It’s isn’t easy for his kids and if they see their dad devastated, they can search the guilt at them self. Take care! Ciao!
I guess the fact that mum has a rich hubby now and gets to be a stay-at-home-mum counts a lot. That is the problems with GUYS. They have to work… sad but true.
Of course, the whole big question is “why aren’t courts making both parents change THEIR lives AROUND their kids?”
And why do people have to fight over custody, rather than spend the time, money, energy to work together and find a solution for raising the kids that you managed to put into this world together?
Send my best wishes to your friend.
This is so sad, and I completely agree with you guys. I think that parents should have to change their lives for the kids, ie, rich guy needs to move to the town they live in. It’s messed up to move the kids around, to separate the families. I’m a child of divorce, and my mom moved us a state away, which my dad always used as an excuse not to get close to us. It’s really no excuse, but I’m sure it did make it a lot more difficult. Also, we had to travel so much as kids, always taking these dreaded 8 hour roadtrips to see our dad for two weeks at a time, maybe once a year. It was a pain in the butt, and made us resent him.
I have always wondered what our relationship would have been like had we lived closer, and had the opportunity to spend weekends with him, instead of a week or two in the summer.
It makes me so sad to read this. I think any cheater, man or woman is a coward. The cheater who continues 2 relationships is the most cowardly of all. They’re holding out to see which relationship will be the “better deal” and then they’ll decide which one to keep and which one to dispose of.
I think it says something about mom’s character that she wasn’t so worried about how it would impact the girls when she decided to have an affair and when she decided to marry a man who lived in another state.
As someone whose family has had to relocate to 5 different states for my husband’s job, I can testify to how much it uproots a child’s life to relocate, but the saving grace is that we do this is a family. To have uprooting combined with hardly seeing one parent makes no sense. With mom there are two life altering things happening, with dad there is only one. If the new guy has that much money he should shell some out so that he can move and keep the girls near their dad.
I think that part of the problem with the courts is that they do favor moms, but I think that in all legal matters children are the least represented people in the legal system and their needs often get overlooked by courts.
Sorry for the long reply, this one really got to me.
I think that’s wrong. The courts should take into consideration the adultery when deciding the custody considering that is what broke up the marriage. The children will have emotional scars from what the Mother did and that should count against her. But, in society, unfortunately, money talks. She now had more money than the ex-husband – that’s why he lost.
You mention men have the better deal in the workplace. Because that is so true, women tend to be the primary caretaker. There’s a flip side to everything. Boo hoo.
Hey Guys….
This is one very difficult, frustrating and long overdue unjusts.
Life is most definitely not fair. More so to the innocent victims in any bad situation.
I chose to end my marriage and leave with my four children. Their father had a love for alcohol that was too strong for him to overcome.
I began and ran my own business while raising my children. All I asked from their father was that he see his children and if they needed anything for school that he cover those finances.
I did not hire a lawyer…even though several were clients of mine were lawyers and highly recommended that I do due to the fact that I had my own business.
My first thought was that lawyers are more to blame for some of the horrible wars that tear apart an already damaged family.
I agree that the courts are almost archaic when it comes to the custody situations. Also laws vary with different states in divorce actions…which I have always thought to be very wrong.
I have known situations where both gender parents were the weekend parent or out of town parent. Guys I hear your demise…but realize, there are many situations that happen in reverse gender to yours stated in this post.
I do not think it is so much a favoritism to either parent as the courts are trying to do the best for the child in each given circumstance.
We are in a day and age where we now have same sex parents…there will be no gender specifics determining the outcome of custody there.
I do know that divorce sux and unfortunately there is no easy way out of it for anyone especially the innocent children.
It should be the parents responsibility to make sure that the children are well guarded as much as the courts.
I was writing about true love the other day and I happened to mention that if people would actually enter a relationship with true love…and not some false learned behavior of love or some romantic notion they have seen on television…there would be no divorces or broken hearts.
We do not live in a perfect world and because of that there will always be unjust towards the innocence.
Awesome topic….one that definitely needs to be addressed like yesterday!
~D~
Thank you for your comments and insights!
As we said, life happens. Divorce happens. But if people are going to have kids, they need to take more responsibility for the well being of their children. Splitting up is one thing, but forcing the kids to choose between their mother or father, or creating a situation that makes it impossible for one parent to be involved is just wrong. And we’d be saying this if men were the ones taking the kids.
One of the problems is that divorces are often bitter, and people can’t get past their hate for one another to see clearly. But they must. Their kids well being has to come first. As the GUYS say, “We must stop the CYCLE!!”
well i am trying to help a boke called rob berry from cadcourse, he has lost his wife and kids.. ok he has some gender issues going on that i am not all that keen on but i have known him a long time and i know he is a loving and caring father he is on utube if anyone wants to help,, i tried contacting the therapist and got no reply so now i just hurl obscenities at her anyway that is the story
forgot to mention in the uk we have fathers for justice climb big ben in batman costumes etc and are generally all round good eggs ha ha
It is really a sad story.Divorce is so hard on kids……… i think parents should try to change their lives for the sake of kids.When divorce happens kids are the worst sufferers.
The truth of the so called “legal system” is that the person with the $ is going to win the war. Our legal system is horribly flawed.
You’re right, it’s bullshit. Along the same vein as a woman can smack a man around but if he has to defend himself he’s “beating a poor defenseless woman”; i don’t belive in violence for either gender but society is geared to pass STUPID laws (such as winning a lawsuit cuz the hot coffee burned your tongue – too hot) and money rules everything…Maybe in the next left, those that permit this shit will get their turn in the hole..
I really hate when someone cheats. Guy or Girl it is just plain wrong. Why get married if that is what your going to do? As for the mom in this case getting the kids. If it was based on the quote that is so wrong. They should have taken into account from the other court hearing. How sad to be so far away from you kids.
Honestly coming from a Mom I think the guys get screwed because the Moms want to stick it to them out of spite. Lawyers make great cases saying that kids need their moms the most.
Which honestly I totally disagree with. I think it should depend on the circumstances on which one gets the kids.
I have seen a lot of divorces, some that have been handled well, some not so well. I really think parents need to put the kids’ needs first when getting divorced. It seems to benefit everyone in the end. I feel badly that this many is going through this and I hope he is able to work out some way to see his girls as much as he would like.
Too bad for the new hubby. You know you lose them like you find them and the kids will be the biggest losers of them all.
As a single mother of two, I’m on the line with this one. For so many centuries a woman’s only worth has been homemaker and child-rearer, while males claimed the role of provider and lord and master of their domiciles. As time and attitudes change, the law struggles to keep up. I believe there is still the ingrained knee jerk reflex that a woman is a better parent (not my personal belief I’ve seen heifers that needed to be neutered) because she doesn’t NEED to work – all she has to do is find a husband to support her. And of course there is still the myth that females are nurturers by nature and therefore are automatically inclined to be happier with the children, while males still need the freedom to roam and conquer.
As I said I’m on the line with this one. As a single mother I didn’t get the option of telling the courts “Hey it took two of us to make children, how come I’m the one stuck with ALL the responsibility.” On the other hand I’d catch a charge if someone tried to take my children from me.
What I wish to emphasize is that your relationship with your children is paramount. I’ve seen first hand how it affects children when one parent for whatever reason treats their parental relationship as a matter of convenience. I’m very blessed that I have a close knit family. And that the males in my family filled in that void.
My heart goes out to our wounded brother (GUY). No matter how angry he must be, he’s going to need time to mourn his marriage as well as deal with this new reality.
My prayers are with you.
Short and Sweet – Divorce Sucks Socks.
the only thing that makes it really bad is the kids being torn in the middle.
courts used to say, the kids have to be accessable to both parents. lately that seems to have fallen by the wayside.
The Kids will eventually find their way back to dad, and mom will see the error of taking them so far away from the beginning – hopefully. eitherway the kids will eventually have the last word in what happens to their lives, when they become adults. they are old enough to see what’s happening. trust that.
Wow this is tough I beleive everything should be decided by what is best for the kids and in this case it seems that the courts ruled for the money very sad and very disgusting of the mother to be a cheat, liar, and self centered therefore have him keep contact with his daughters love them support them and never say a bad word about their mother, then when they are old enough let them choose where they want to live in reality many times every dog does have it’s day and I hope for your friend he gets his.
These are great issues..keep em up…
My best..
Gramma..
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
It is really sad – Divorce sucks big time. Life doesn’t always work out logically and judges are people too. All I can do is to pray that “dad” manages to work out something that allows him to see his kids and still have a life. The kids will grow up and they will make their own decisions about where they want to be and for the next 40 years hopefully that will be “close to dad”.
Divorce is always ugly specially when kids are involved. The worst part is, when it goes to court, the children are hardly given a choice or a say in the matter. Partners become vindictive and sacrifice their children’s happiness just to get the “upper hand.” It is sad, petty and very selfish.
I feel deep sympathy for the GUY and it is true, men get always the ugly end of the stick when it comes to divorce. Women can be manipulative and use “weaker gender” excuse to get what they want. This has a psychological effect on the judge and therefore tend to favour the mothers more. It is unfair but we live in a world where money talks.
I can only hope the GUY will find some inner peace within himself and the strenght to pick up the bits and pieces