I want sex more than him (Sex Advice)

Hey Guys,

Thanks for reading. I just have a few questions and I think you guys can probably help me. I’m a young woman in my 20’s; I’m pretty confident in myself. I don’t have self-esteem problems or emotional problems. The only thing I have is an extremely high sex drive which I think is pretty normal for my age. I am currently engaged in a sexual arrangement with a guy. It’s what I call a “booty call.” I hit him up whenever I want sex; I think that’s where the problem lies.

The problem is I’m ALWAYS the one who hits him up for sex. This was fine at first because because I really wanted sex, but now I just feel pathetic. I mean he does show interest when I want to have sex and does sometime go through with it, but why Is it that I’m always the one who has to initiate? Should I just cut him off and move on to the next or am I just thinking too much. I just don’t want to waste anymore time and put in a good amount of effort towards someone who isn’t even important to me in the first place.

Tracy

Dear Tracy,

Thanks for your question.

There are four reasons why this guy might not be taking any initiative with your sexual arrangement.

1. He’s not that attracted to you.

2. He actually wants a long-term relationship with you and feels funny about your arrangement.

3. He’s not that into sex in general.

4. You’re making it easy on him. He knows he doesn’t have to do any work.

It’s hard for us to surmise exactly what’s going through his head based on the limited information we have, but if we had to guess we’d say it’s either #1 or #4.

But reading between the lines, it seems to us that there’s more going on here, as if this wasn’t just about sex, but that you actually like this guy and are wondering why he’s not reciprocating your affections. Is this true? Because otherwise, why would you care who initiates the sex if the goal is just to have a good time? That’s what guys do in this type of situation. They’re usually the ones initiating the trysts in a booty call arrangement or no-strings-attached sex arrangement. They have one goal in mind: To get laid. So as long as the woman is agreeable, they could care less who initiates. That’s why we’re wondering if you’ve developed feelings for this guy and you’re not acknowledging those feelings. That’s something to consider.

If this is the case, we think you need to either talk to this guy about your feelings and see where he stands, or extract yourself from your arrangement. (You might want to watch our video on the topic of “Friends with Benefits.” ) Typically, these types of arrangements don’t transition into anything more serious.

Leave us a comment and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Facebook. Twitter. @TGPBUzz. Thanks. We appreciate it.

11 Comments on I want sex more than him (Sex Advice)

  1. Hey again Guys, hope you’re well!
    Back for another curious case about my boyfriend (30, divorced, 2yo boy) that I’ve written to you about a few times before.
    So, I’ve had a similar issue to Tracy, feeling that I want or enjoy sex with my man more than he does. Thing is, as I’ve recently started having sex, I’m wanting him very often. So, last night we went out to our fave club and got these cute Hawaiian style necklaces at the entry. As soon as we got back to his place we knew it was on, and since he never brings up wanting to try anything different in the bedroom, I thought I’d use these necklaces to tie his arms up for fun! I love the idea of that, or getting them used on me but he’s never expressed wanting to get creative. Which although I love him, is kinda disappointing seeing as he’s 30 and I’m 23, he should be getting me into all this? Things are getting a bit too.. vanilla for my liking. Anyway so I tied him up and he didnt object, but this morning as we’r talking on the phone discussing last night, I asked him about what I did and he wasn’t enthusiastic at all. I said to him that a girlfriend of mine recommended the idea (she didn’t, but I felt vulnerable that he didn’t like my idea of spicing things up and so blamed it on someone else’s idea). As soon as I said that he said ‘I didn’t like that.. Don’t like that kind of stuff it’s boring to me. And don’t ever compare me to your friends boyfriends again’ bla bla.. I get it if getting tied up doesn’t float your boat, fair enough, but why be so boring for?! As an older man does it occur to him im waiting to try new stuff in bed? I’ve really got no clue what he’s thinking and he gets too sulky about the subject for me to ask. Also, I’ve recently asked him about really explicit ‘toys’ used that we saw on tv, and that Im assuming any grown man with a libido would know about… Whenever I say ‘oh whats that!’ or ‘what does that mean?’ he’s answer is I don’t know.. Or google it. He’s a mystery to me when it comes to sex convos. Is he intimidated?

  2. @Stephanie…….Yes, he’s intimidated and insecure. And sure, we can understand why he doesn’t want to be compared to your friend’s boyfriends; but he seems a bit more uncomfortable than we’d expect from a guy his age. It sounds like he’s not that experienced when it comes to sex, and now that he has a hot young girlfriend he probably feels a bit old, but doesn’t want you to think that he’s old. So instead of enjoying all your enthusiasm and interest, he lashes out at you and tries to make you feel badly for making him feel badly. (If that makes any sense?) Have you tried asking him what he’s into? Sexually we mean. What is he into? Why don’t you encourage him to take the reigns and let him know you’re pretty much game to try anything. (Within reason of course. Only what you’re comfortable with.) Keep in mind that he is a different generation than you. And all he’s heard about your generation is how wild and experimental your are. And then you come along to confirm these rumors. He’s not quite sure what to make of it all, just that he’s uncomfortable. There is hope. You’ve got to put him at ease and make him feel like he’s in charge. His ego is bruised a bit. (We know, you didn’t really do anything, but all signs point to that.) Thoughts? ps. Are you compatible in other ways? What do you like about him? (Remind us again)

  3. I feel bad he thinks I compared him, after all, it was a white lie to cover my own ass haha I’d never compare him to anyone, how could I? I lost my virginity to him – which adds to my confusion as to why he’s so shy about things. If what you Guys say is true, then the way he’s really acting is making me think of him as an oldie (and he’s not, he’s 30!). You totally make sense, but his reactions don’t. I’ve tried asking what he’s into and all he ever does is brush it off or say something sweet like ‘making love to you baby’ or whatever, to distract me. Thing is, i just know he’s got a lot to give! I want to see it and share it with him.. The only thing he’s made clear is his interest in anal (sorry for over sharing) and he knows I’m not ready for that.. I want to crawl before we run! And believe me he tales the reigns in everything. He enjoys wearing the pants in the r/ship and in bed, and I prefer that too, so the encouragement is there. Something tells me he’s experienced but intimidated of letting go with me and I don’t know why.. I’m pretty but I’m no Jennifer Lopez haha. I thought he was over the age thing (I’m 23). I’m mature for my age and we are compatible in conversation, and get along well. I don’t think I’ve put any pressure on him, on the contrary, I’ve given him all the room to be the big macho he reckons he is. What do I like about him? Well I love that he is older, there’s no putting up with stupid games, we can talk about things that really matter like family and a future, and he’s very protective and caring of me.. And incredibly sexy. So there are a lot of positives. Just feel like he should be the one to open me up to a whole lot more? #Truth or #Highexpectations?

  4. @Stephanie….Well, that does shed light on your situation. (Your virginity, and what he wants from you. Anal) But we don’t completely retract our previous thoughts. If he’s a macho-type guy and likes to be in charge, his behavior still shows he’s a bit insecure and intimidated when his status is “threatened.” And this could be one of the reasons he’s chosen you. It sounds like he can dominate you, and that you’re okay with it. That might make him feel strong, and make you feel secure, but that power imbalance also plays out in other ways. Like this situation for example. He’s already kind of established who he is and what he likes. And he’s not going to allow you to do the same. He’s not going to allow you to discover what it is you like. The minute you introduce something into the mix he shuts you down and makes you feel badly about it. Don’t think this is going to stop in the bedroom. It’s not. This imbalance will play out in every aspect of your lives if you choose to be with this guy. From buying a home, to decorating a home, to raising kids, to having kids, to what restaurants you go out to, etc. The time to squash this is NOW, otherwise your capitulation will set the tone for the future. As per anal sex. (You can pretty much say anything you’d like on this site. So no worries.) Anal sex is about upping the ante. When boys see their first Playboy they are out of their minds. Just a flash of skin is enough to set them off. BUt as guys get older and are exposed to more and more porn, it’s harder to turn them on. They keep needing more and more hardcore material. It’s similar in the bedroom. We’re not saying guys don’t like the staples: Intercourse and oral sex. But Anal Sex is the next step. It’s something that most guys either wonder about or crave as they get older. Part of it is just the unknown. Something new. Part of it is the idea that their woman would allow them to have their way in any way they choose. Anal sex is the ultimate domination and that alone is a huge turn on. However, you should only do something you’re comfortable with, and that you’re ready for. Many women say that anal sex is very uncomfortable or painful and that it’s not a turn on at all. And some say they love it. (It’s also not necessarily great for your body, since that particular orifice is meant for removal not intake.) However, we’re not saying you shouldn’t, just that you should do it because you want to. (Always use some sort of lubricant.) Does this help? Any other questions?

  5. You’re right, his personality makes me feel secure in a strange way. I just never thought it would affect so much more in our lives. We are pretty serious and are planning a future together, I just hope that the way he is doesnt mean he doesn’t love me or respect me just because he can sneak his way with me most of the time.

    The anal sex thing doesn’t worry me, because I’ve made it pretty clear I’m not game enough to try it and I think its disgusting. Everybody has their tastes and preferences but he’s not compromising enough with me in order for me to let up on something like that. He gets sulky about getting tied up for five minutes but wants to take it as far as anal.. Please. Anyway, you’ve helped out and clarified a whole lot as always.. thank you. One last thing however.Can I ask why he doesn’t want to let me discover what I like? I mean it really doesn’t click to me why he’d do that.. Is it some kind of power trip? Like I said my experience is nil but I can tell when things are bound to get mundane. And this shits gonna get mundane.

  6. @Stephanie…..We’re glad we could help clarify. Be sure to let your friends know about us. To your question. It’s absolutely a power game. Here’s an example: Understand that this is the extreme. There’s a reason teachers shouldn’t date their students. (Besides the obvious professional reasons) There’s a major imbalance of power going on. It’s great for the teacher because s/he can call the shots and get his or her needs met. And it’s in the best interest of the teacher to not allow their student to spread their wings. This suppression is usually what ends up destroying the relationship. Because most of the time, the student realizes they will never be allowed to grow and evolve if they stay with the teacher. Then the teacher moves on to the next student because the teacher enjoys having all the power. It is all about power. Back to your relationship……Your exploration is a threat to his control. This doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, but it does mean you need to spread your wings anyway even if he feels uncomfortable about it. You don’t need to be militant about it, just assertive. We suggest stroking his ego a bit while you do it, so he doesn’t shut down. One note: This isn’t just about the bedroom. That’s how it looks now. This issue is about how the two of you relate. If he really wants to be with you he needs to allow you to grow and understand that your growth doesn’t have to be a threat to him and your relationship. This requires understanding on your part of how he’s feeling, and understanding on his part about your feelings. You two need to work together, compromise, and figure this out. If you do, your relationship will only be stronger. And less stale. Does this help?

  7. Definitely :) I rave to my friends about this site! Ok I understand now.. And I bet the bastard is conscious of all this. Next time anything pops up I’ll stand my ground .. communication is key. Yes that helped.. An invaluable insight into the weird but wonderful male mind. Take care

  8. @Stephanie…….Like we said, don’t get extreme about this. (We actually don’t think he’s totally conscious of it.) Just be assertive. Take care and good luck. Thanks so much for spreading the word about us. Come back anytime!

  9. Hi Guys, i have been friends with a guy for 6 years (He’s 27 and i am 26). At the beginning we dated for a little bit but then he wanted to stay friends. Then we started have hang out as friends. Trough out the years he had told me that he had some sexual attraction towards me and we have a sexting relation ship. In 2009 we semi hooked up because i was nervous to loose my virginity at that time so we ended up kissing and touchy and blow job stuff. We have gone trough so much together, the good and bad. he has had various girlfriends in between us. Two years ago, he told me via email that he loved me, something that he hasn’t never say to me, but, a that time he had a gf but never left for me although se said he was going to but never did and we had a huge fight about it and then he apologize, but eventually they broke up. Time passes and we hang out again rarely to different places but usually at my house, when we do play video games, web surfing and other stuff and then give him a bj. Last year, he asked me if we could have a friends with benefits thing and i said yes, but we mostly have done the same thing: sexting, me getting naked, me giving him bjs and he taking pics and recording. Months ago, he had another gf that he never mentioned, Facebook game me the answer and i still did Bjs at that time. Apparently they broke up too. We are still doing the same thing. He always is the one to initiate a sexual conversation or thing. Before him, i haven’t had a relationship. I have gone like 3 dates with other guys, in the course that i have known this guy but never pass the first date. I have grown as a person since i met him. i have also done some research about relationships, how guys act towards different kinds of women and situations and i have learned a lot. But i want an honest answer to my unique situation. Even though we have gone through much things with him, i want a relationship with him. I want to tell him but the thing holding me back is rejection for second time. Thank you for your time guys!

  10. Hi Guys, i have been friends with a guy for 6 years (He’s 27 and i am 26). At the beginning we dated for a little bit but then he wanted to stay friends. Then we started have hang out as friends. Trough out the years he had told me that he had some sexual attraction towards me and we have a sexting relation ship. In 2009 we semi hooked up because i was nervous to loose my virginity at that time so we ended up kissing and touchy and blow job stuff. We have gone trough so much together, the good and bad. he has had various girlfriends in between us. Two years ago, he told me via email that he loved me, something that he hasn’t never say to me, but, a that time he had a gf but never left for me although se said he was going to but never did and we had a huge fight about it and then he apologize, but eventually they broke up. Time passes and we hang out again rarely to different places but usually at my house, when we do play video games, web surfing and other stuff and then give him a bj. Last year, he asked me if we could have a friends with benefits thing and i said yes, but we mostly have done the same thing: sexting, me getting naked, me giving him bjs and he taking pics and recording. Months ago, he had another gf that he never mentioned, Facebook game me the answer and i still did Bjs at that time. Apparently they broke up too. We are still doing the same thing. He always is the one to initiate a sexual conversation or thing. Before him, i haven’t had a relationship. I have gone like 3 dates with other guys, in the course that i have known this guy but never pass the first date. I have grown as a person since i met him. i have also done some research about relationships, how guys act towards different kinds of women and situations and i have learned a lot. But i want an honest answer to my unique situation. Even though we have gone through much things with him, i want a relationship with him. I want to tell him but the thing holding me back is rejection for second time. Thank you for your time!

  11. Hey. Okay, so I just found this site… and so I would like some advice about my.relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend.for.two.months and he just told me that it bothers him that I have a high sex drive. I dont even.see.him that.much, like once or twice a.week… he gives me the blue balls by adding play and or foreplay but sometimes he doesnt follow through with sex… and THAT bothers me. I know thaf everyone’s different, but I dont get how someone would.be.bothered by my sex drive? We dont have sex all the time, I have.never cheated on him, he gives me.blue balls by turning me on… and then doesnt do enough about it. I have more experience.than.him, he says… hes basically a virgin in my eyes… its also bothersome.because his sex drive is much lower than mine… and we’re both the same age, we’re 20… Maybe I just wont bring it up then… I dont know….

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