The Guy’s Perspective

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Bob the Vegan

For those of you that haven’t seen this series, we introduced this back in the fall of 2009. We’re going to be posting some of the more memorable skits in this series. Today’s skit is the very first Bob the Vegan we ever wrote!

And we’d like to qualify this post by saying, the ideas expressed in this skit do not necessarily reflect the opinions of THE GUYS. We think people should decide for themselves what lifestyle works and doesn’t work for them. No seriously, we’re not kidding! …..Really, we’re serious!!! Oh, forget it. Let’s get on with it.

Bob the Vegan Episode 1: The backyard BBQ

Bob and girlfriend arrive. Rich and Dave are cooking on Rich’s deck.

Bob: Hey guys what’s up!

Rich and Dave together: Hey Bob.

Bob: I’d like you to meet my new girlfriend, Torrie.

Rich and Dave: Nice to meet you.

Torrie: Nice to meet you too. (Pause) Hey, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

Rich: Sure no problem. Turn left when you get in the house.

Torrie: Thanks. (She goes in the house)

Rich: Wow Bob, she’s smokin!

Dave: Totally!!

Rich: So what does she see in you?

Bob: I have NO idea.

Dave: Are you guys ready for some food! Hamburgs,
Hotdogs, Steak, Chicken. We got it all.

Rich: Sounds great.

Bob: No thanks.

Dave: What do you mean no thanks? You love meat! And we’ve
got everything!

Bob: I know, but no thanks. I’m a vegan now.

Rich: A virgin!? But I thought you said….

Bob: I didn’t say virgin you goob, I said vegan.

Dave: What’s a vegan. I’ve never heard of it.

Bob: It means I no longer eat meat, dairy or anything that comes from an
animal.

Dave: Are you messing with us?

Bob: No, I’m serious.

Rich: That’s crazy. When did you start this?

Bob: (Says quietly) Listen guys, this is killing me. Just
smelling this meat is making my insides explode. But don’t make a big deal
about it. Torrie was insistent that I become a vegan. I’m OK about it. Don’t say ANYTHING! I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable.

George arrives.

George: Hey guys. What’s up?

All: Hey George.

Dave: George, did you know Bob’s a vegan?

George: (To BOB) So you’ve been lying all these years??!!

Bob: You guys are idiots! Listen George, I want to tell you about my girlfriend.

George(cuts him off): Hold on Bob, I’m starving… Dave, let me
help with the food. Who wants what?

Torrie returns.

Bob: George this is my girlfriend, Torrie.

Torrie: Nice to meet you.

George: Nice to meet you too. Ladies first. What would you like to
eat Torrie?

Torrie: I’ll have a hamburger.

Bob, Rich and Dave: WHAT??!!!

Rich: I thought you and Bob were vegans.

Torrie: I never said I was a Vegan. This is just my way of balancing things out.

Rich: How so?

Torrie: Well since the beginning of time, men have treated women like meat. Calling us “Toots” and “Honey” and grabbing at us like we’re cattle. So I figured it’s time to even the score. If I’m a piece of meat, Bob’s a vegan. Sounds like a fair swap to me.What do you think Bob?

Bob: Sounds fair to me.

Rich and Dave and George: Ouch!

We left off last week with Bob, Dan and George having a drink filled fashion show. Torrie walks in on them. Scroll down for Part 1.

Torrie: Bob the Vegan huh? Aren't those leather shoes you're wearing?

Bob: Torrie, uh, hi. What a nice surprise!

Torrie: Please, don't give me that nice surprise crap. What the hell is going on?

Bob: We're just having a good time. George has been feeling down about Amy.

Torrie: I thought you were a vegan? You can't wear leather shoes.

Bob: It's a special occasion. I made an exception for George.

Torrie: Well this is just a bit "out there" for me. When I think of guys I don't normally think of undies and women's high heels.

Dan: Well these shoes are actually for my new girlfriend.

Torrie: Seems like the wrong size Dan, don't you think?

Dan: Well they're for me….for her……she's a foot fetishist.

Torrie: Oh my god, what the hell is going on. What is this, some weird alternate universe where freaks rule the world.

Bob: Torrie enough!! C'mon lighten up. Have a drink. Please…for George.

Torrie looks at George who looks kind of stricken.

Torrie: FINE!…., let's see the show.

George: Sounds great. Thanks for understanding Torrie.

The music goes back on. Torrie has a few drinks and loosens up a bit.The gang is parading around and laughing.

George: Hey guys check this outfit out.

Bob: Oh my god George, you've had too many drinks.

Torrie and Dan gag on their drinks.

Dan: Get that heel out of your butt!! I have to wear those you know!

Bob and Torrie start laughing. Victoria now walks in.

Victoria: Hey guys can I join the party.

Dan: Hi honey!!

Dan goes over to kiss Victoria.

Dan: Everyone, this is Victoria.

Everyone: Hi Victoria

Victoria: Hi everyone!

The party continues until Victoria and Dan go off to Dan's room and Torrie and Bob go off to Bob's room. George is left alone.

George:(Talking out loud to himself) Now what?…..Alone…..I better get used to it…….hmm…..what should I do…..

He hears noises from the bedrooms.

George:(Still talking to himself) Great. That's all I need. Well I could always……Don't do it George……..no George, you've come too far……..

BUT….George gets out his computer and starts surfing for porn.

George:(Still talking to himself): This is all I have now. I'm a weak man. A lonely weak man.

Bob:(From the bedroom) What's the knocking noise I hear? Sounds like a heavy breathing woodpecker or something. Is that George?

Torrie: That is disgusting.

She covers her ears.

Torrie: I hear nothing!! ……..Come here Bob….you hottie!

Bob and Torrie embrace.

Tune in next week……