The Guy’s Perspective

While THE GUYS are regrouping a bit this summer, we’re posting some of the highlights from the “Bob the Vegan” series. Enjoy.

This was the third episode.

Episode 1: We introduce Bob and Torrie. He becomes a vegan.

Episode 2: Bob is having a hard time. He gets revenge with the lawn mower.

And now, Episode 3: (George is one of his best buddies.)

Bob is home. He calls up George.

George: Hello!

Bob: George, I just can’t take it any more!

George: Bob, is that you?

Bob: Yes, it’s me and I just  can’t do it.

George: Hold on, slow down a minute. What are you talking about?

Bob: I’ve been cheating. Cheating on Torrie.

George: What do you mean cheating? How could you?

Bob: I don’t mean with other women. I mean eating. The other day I had a hot dog and today I had ribs. In fact I just finished a huge plate of ribs smothered in BBQ sauce.

George: Oh that Vegan thing. Well I don’t blame you. No one but you could have lasted even this long. I could never do it. What are you going to say to Torrie?

Bob: You mean I have to tell Torrie? She’ll break up with me for sure if I tell her.

George: Well, if you don’t tell her, she’s going to find out anyway.

Bob: But, how’s she going to find out?

George: Women always find out. You know that, right?

Bob: Well what should I do?

George: Besides being honest?

Bob: Yeah.

George: I have no idea.

Bob: C’mon George, help me!

George: Well let me think…Hmmm…….. Only one thing comes to mind.

Bob: Tell me. Please!!

George: Well, back a few years I was friends with this guy. He told me about a time he was dating two girls at once.

Bob: Sounds like a scoundrel. I would never do that.

George: Yes, he was a total scoundrel in many ways. That’s why we’re not friends anymore. Anyway, he says he was dating these two girls. Girl # 1 and Girl # 2. Well that’s how he described them. One night he told Girl #1 he was going to play poker with his buddies, but he was really going to the movies with Girl #2.

Bob: Sounds like trouble.

George: Doesn’t it? Anyway, while leaving the theater with Girl # 2 he saw Girl #1 also leaving the same theater. He couldn’t believe his bad luck. He tried to sneak away without her seeing him, but it was not to be. Somehow they made eye contact.

Bob: Uh,oh. Busted.

George: You would think. But he said when Girl #1 confronted him later, he just kept repeating, “It wasn’t me.” Every time she accused him or yelled or cried he kept repeating, “It wasn’t me.” Finally after days of this, he wore her down until she believed him.

Bob: Well that’s just wrong.

George: I know but he swears it worked.The key is to say it with conviction. And never, ever waver, no matter what happens.

Bob: We’ll I’m not sure how that……..

Doorbell rings. Bob panics.

Bob: George, I gotta run. Torrie’s here. I gotta rinse the BBQ sauce out of my mouth and find some gum.Thanks for listening.

George: Good luck.

Bob answers the door in a minute.

Bob: Hi Honey

Torrie: Hi. What took you so long?

Bob: Oh, I was just in the bathroom.

They hug and kiss lightly. Torrie comes in and sits down at the kitchen table across from Bob.

Bob: It’s great to see you. You look amazing!

Torrie: Thanks that’s sweet……..You know Bob, I’ve been thinking. We’ve been having some trouble recently and I think some of it is my fault. You’ve been so great about this Vegan thing. Most guys would have said forget it. But you stuck with me even though it was hard. As you know, I haven’t always picked the nicest of guys and I’ve had some bad luck too. You’re such a breath of fresh air. So supportive, loving and honest. Let’s just forget the Vegan thing. I can see you’re not a pig like the rest of the guys I’ve dated, so why don’t you go ahead and eat whatever you’d like.

Bob: Really? You mean that?

Torrie: I do. And not only that. Up til now I haven’t really opened up to you. But I see how wonderful you are. I really can trust you. So I plan on making you a very happy man.

Bob: Wow, I’m speechless.

Torrie goes over to Bob. She stops.

Torrie: What’s that on your shirt?

Bob: What?

Torrie: That stain. It looks like BBQ sauce?

Bob: What stain?

Torrie: That stain, right there.

She points.

Bob: Uhh, well, that’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Well what is it? It sure looks like BBQ sauce.

Bob: It’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Bob, you’re lying to me.

Bob: No. It’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Bob, you’re a terrible liar. Have you been cheating this whole time?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: What did you say?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: What are you talking about?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Bob, stop saying that. That makes no sense.

Bob:  It wasn’t me… It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Oh my god, you are really being annoying.

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Bob if you don’t shut up with that “It wasn’t me” crap, I’m going to scream.
Is that BBQ sauce or not?

Bob:(braces himself) It wasn’t me.

Torrie: You really are a milquetoast, you know that. Goodbye Bob. I can’t believe I ever trusted you.

Bob: Torrie, no!!!! It wasn’t me!!

Torrie, leaves……..

Coming soon: We answer more relationship questions. And our next podcast will be a week from today!

This is episode #4 of the second season of “Bob the Vegan.”

Read the first three episodes to get caught up.

Speed Dating

The New Job

The Boss

Episode 4: The Handyman

Bob is meeting up with Dan and George.

Bob: Hey Dan, nice to see you.

Dan: Nice to see you too. (They do the man hug)

Bob: Ever since you moved in with Victoria it’s been radio silence.

Dan: I know, I’m sorry man. It’s just, she’s keeping me busy. She’s such a freak!

Bob: I’m assuming, that’s “freak,” as in Freaky!

Dan: You wouldn’t even believe me if I told you.

Bob: You’re right, and I don’t want to know.

Dan: Suit yourself……..hey, I thought George was coming too.

Bob: He said, he’d be here, so I’m sure he’s just running late. You know he started his own business as a handyman?

Dan: Really!?? I didn’t know! So cool! Hopefully that will keep him busy. It’s sad about Amy and him breaking up.What’s the latest on that?

Bob: It looks like the divorce is going to go through in a month. He’s pretty bummed, so don’t bring it up. I want to have fun tonight. It’s been a while since we’ve had a guy’s night!

Dan: Here he comes now……Yo, George!

George: Hey guys, sorry I’m late.

Dan: Hey old buddy, it’s been too long.

George: Way too long!

(They do the man hug too. Bob as well)

Dan: So George, how’s the new job. I didn’t know you were a handyman now. In fact I didn’t know you could fix anything??

George: Yeah, I learned from my Grandpa. He was a handyman too. It’s fun. But I’ve got to tell you what’s been happening.

Bob: What do you mean?

George: Let’s get a beer first and I’ll tell you about it.

They order. The drinks arrive.

Bob: So what’s going on?

George: OK. So I’ve gotten a few small jobs  in town. The usual stuff. You know, painting, hammering, etc. Well anyway, I get this call to do a job in the Heights. You know, the ritzy, snooty suburb about twenty minutes west of town.

Dan: Yawn.

George: What?

Dan: Is this going to be some lame work story?

George: Will you please chill and listen!

Dan: Fine.

Bob: And??

George: So I show up at this big ass house. A woman answers the door. She was probably in her early 50s. Very nice. Great shape.  Apparently her sink was clogged or something.

Bob: Her sink’s clogged?

George: Yeah.

Dan: Hmm…..this is getting more interesting.

George: No, it wasn’t like that. Her ACTUAL sink was clogged. So I’m working and she’s chatting away. Recently divorced. Her ex was a businessman. Traveled a ton and cheated on her in every state. So I’m nodding along, but by now I’m really just trying to fix the sink so I can get out of there. The conversation is starting to make me a bit nervous. So I finish up and start to pack up my things when she says she almost forgot that her washing machine has been acting up and would I mind taking a look at it. She says she’ll pay me for my time. So I say fine.

Bob: OK, I’m nervous to know what’s coming.

Dan: I’m not. This is better than I thought.

George: ANYWAY……so we head down in the basement and we go into this small room where the washer and dryer are. She says, that it’s not spinning properly or something like that. So I put down my tools and I’m looking inside the washer for a minute. When I turn around to get a tool to tighten a screw, she’s completely naked.

Bob: WHAT!!!

Dan: I knew it!

George: It’s even better. She comes over and leans against me and says she’ll pay me whatever I want.

Bob: Are you serious?

George: Yep.

Dan: Nice!

Bob: So what did you do?

George: What did you think I did?

Bob: I hope you you thanked her for the offer and got the hell out of there.

Dan: Are you nuts Bob!! Please tell me you took her up on her offer George!

George: You damn right! I hoisted her right up on the washing machine. I guess it was never broken, because she turned it on while we were doing it. Seemed to make her go crazy! And I wasn’t arguing.

Bob: You are crazy.

George: No, I’m not. And still I haven’t gotten to the best part.

Dan: What?? What??

George: She paid me five bills for my time.

Bob: Five hundred dollars!!!

George: Well, I did fix the sink. And technically the washer too.

Dan: Wait, let me get this straight. You were there for what, two hours. You did a little work and got laid. And on top of that you got paid half a grand?

George: All true.

Dan: SWEET!!!!! High five my man! (They slap hands)

Bob: So now you’re a gigolo?

George: Oh c’mon Bob. No harm, no foul. She was happy as hell. I was happy as hell. She’s loaded. I’m broke. What’s wrong with that?

Bob: You had sex for money! That’s what’s wrong. And you took advantage of a poor divorced woman.

George: Bob, you need to stop being such a goody, goody boy, or we’re going to kick you out of the sewing circle.

Bob: Fine, but this is trouble in the making.

Dan: Bob, I see no harm in this. George had some fun. And he made some serious coin doing it. So I say, good for you George!….. When are you going back?

George: And now for the best part. I’ve been going every Thursday for the last three weeks!  I do some chores around her house and then we go at it. She loves doing it in whatever part of the house I’m working in. I guess the smell of construction and sweat makes her horny.

Bob: Nothing good is going to come of this.

Dan: Oh lighten up Bob, it’s all good. This is exactly what George needs. Let’s have another beer! Maybe talking about work isn’t so bad.

George: So Bob, how’s the coffee shop?

Bob: Don’t even go there.

Bob and Torrie at Bob's house.

Bob: So what do you mean you're not getting your needs met? That sounds kind of ominous.

Torrie: No, I don't mean like that.

Bob: Well, what do you mean?

Torrie: First of all you're never available anymore. And when you are, we never go out!!

Bob: Torrie, I have a new job that I like. I'm lucky to have one in this economy, so I'm doing everything I can to keep it.

Torrie: I thought you were a vegan. How can you work in a coffee shop?

Bob: Vegans can drink coffee, they just can't put milk in it.

Torrie: Well what about the sandwiches you serve? Those aren't vegan. Doesn't that bother you?

Bob: Well we also offer sandwiches that are vegan. I'm trying to make the place as progressive as possible. The owner really likes the direction I'm taking it and he says business has never been better.

Torrie: Well, I'd watch him as well. He's after you too.

Bob: What are you talking about? Thomas isn't gay.

Torrie: Oh please, he's totally gay.

Bob: How do you know?

Torrie: How do I know? I'll give you three examples. One: He calls himself Thomas instead of Tom. Two: I know for a fact he prefers a bath over a shower. Three: He has a membership to Remy's Gym. And you know the rumors about that place.

Bob: How do you know all this stuff?

Torrie: Well, I, um…….

Bob: Torrie????

Torrie: OK fine, I've been following him.

Bob: What!!! You've been following him?

Torrie: Yeah, I've been following him.

Bob: I can't believe this. Really? Why?

Torrie: Please, I've seen the way he looks at you. I wanted to find out if my suspicions were true.

Bob: Wow, I'm shocked.

Torrie: Well, it seems like you've got a bunch of admirers over there.

Bob: Torrie, it's just that one customer and he's totally harmless. Not Thomas. And even if Thomas is gay, he's totally professional and totally cool. I like him. He's become a friend.

Torrie: Yeah right. A friend with benefits.

Bob: Is that what this is all about? When you say you're not getting your needs met that's really just you being jealous?? Over my boss? Who's a guy? Even though you know I love you. (Pause) You know what, I'm beginning to wonder.

Torrie: Oh you are??!! Well, I'll have you know that I've got a lot of admirers too.

Bob: I bet you do.

Torrie: Yes I do. You'd be surprised at how many guys take my Step Class.

Bob: Well that's news to me. Are you threatening me?

Torrie: Nope, I'm just saying I have admirers too.

Bob: That sounds like a threat. I thought we were well beyond this kind of interaction. I'm sorry I haven't been around much or paying that much attention to you, but I'm trying hard to focus on myself and my career. It's exciting, don't you understand that?

Torrie: Yes, but there has to be a balance.

Bob: Yes, but balance is created over a long period of time. I agree, it's a little out of whack right now. But that's how things work. You've been talking about going back to school. Well if you do, you'll be extremely busy and that's the way it will be. You'll have no choice and you'll expect me to be supportive. Well, that's what I'm expecting, or I should say, hoping, you'll be now. (Pause) But please, don't threaten me. That's just not good for our relationship. And it doesn't work for me at all. (pause) (Sighs) Even though I'm pretty pissed, I will say to you that you don't have anything to worry about with my boss, any guy or any other girl for that matter. So enough already. Don't you trust me?

Torrie: You're right. Damn, I just get so worked up. I'm sorry Bob. I do trust you, more than anyone I've ever been with, but you know how I am with trust in general.

Bob: We can work on that together, but you need to work on that by yourself too. Maybe there's someone you could talk to?

Torrie: You mean a therapist?

Bob: Maybe. I mean anyone. Sometimes it's good to get another opinion and some objective insight.
It's something to think about.

Torrie: OK. I will think about it. But for now, how about helping me with some of my other needs?

Bob: Sounds good to me. Come here you! I do have one need in particular that requires your special attention.

Torrie: Yum!!! I'm glad I'm not a vegan.