Should I break up with my video game playing boyfriend?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating Older Men

Getting Played: Trust your Gut

Getting Played: Listen to your friends

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a three to four week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.)

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

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Breakup then friends: What’s he thinking?

Break up confusion: Why did you do this?

Four years of confusion

Dear Guys,

I feel that I am losing feelings for my current boyfriend. There are a couple of issues with our relationship that I have brought up over the past eight months that we do nothing but fight over and get nowhere in the process.

So here is the issue: My boyfriend started playing World of Warcraft eight months ago which took up a lot of his time. I didn’t mind until it started affecting our activity level. He never wants to do anything besides play this game, eat, and watch TV. Of course, I fell into that with him—well, not the video game part. Eventually I wanted to break out of this. I would have to beg, plead and pout to get him to do anything else. Of course it left me feeling completely unsatisfied because he was not happy being out of the house.

I started doing things without him, but I wanted my boyfriend back! He wanted to move across the country, and I decided to move with him even though I felt extremely reluctant and hesitant about making such a big move when I was already not 100% sure about us. He eventually convinced me by saying things would be so different. They were different for the first two weeks, but two months later I am exploring the new area by myself because he is back to his video games. I don’t know anyone in the area, and after several applications for employment, I still haven’t been able to get a job. (Still trying daily though!)

We are also living with one of his buds and they play video games together in separate rooms, and go fishing, and do boy stuff, which is all fine with me, except I’m left by myself. I am trying to rationalize breaking up with him and moving back. I am depressed and unhappy. I wake up miserable every day and not even a shell of the person I used to be a year ago. He keeps telling me I’m going to regret breaking up with him. He says that I should not have any problem with him because he doesn’t go out drinking all the time, doesn’t cheat on me (but he has on all of his past relationships…besides our first month together I’m the first girl he hasn’t cheated on by this point in a relationship), he doesn’t beat me, and he tells me I’m pretty all the time. I congratulate him on being a good person, but surely he is not that naive.

Basically, from a guy’s perspective, is these good reasons for breaking up? Or am I being a tool?

Leslie

Dear Leslie,

Thanks for your question.

So our question to you is: What are you getting out of this relationship?

What strikes us the most are his priorities and where you fall in the mix. Here’s how we see it in descending order.

1. World of War Craft

2. His buddies

3. Other activities and outings.

4. You

In addition, does he really think he should be complimented for not cheating on you, or not beating you? If he thinks those are qualities that make him an attractive boyfriend he’s missing the point. Those are givens and should be assumed with any relationship you are part of. And we’ll be honest, a bunch of us laughed out loud at the absurdity of the statement.

You need to take a hard look at your situation. Don’t sell yourself short and settle for a relationship that doesn’t make you happy. If you are able to get him more invested in your relationship there might be hope, but it may just be the two of you want different things out of life.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Four years of confusion

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating Older Men

Getting Played: Trust your Gut

Getting Played: Listen to your friends

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.)

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

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Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Breakup then friends: What’s he thinking?

Break up confusion: Why did you do this?

Hello Guys,

Hopefully I won’t make this too long but here goes. I’m a junior in college and I have been dating the man I love for about four years now. He left to go to another city about 6 hours away from our home town to study art. I stayed here in town because one of the best programs for my major is at one of the state schools right here. About two years ago we decided a long distance relationship wasn’t the best idea. There was no one “else” in either one of our lives, but with new experiences we didn’t know where we were headed. We decided to continue “dating” though.

I dedicate myself to my education and the vice presidency of my sorority fully. I don’t blame him for doing what is best for him and leaving, nor has he ever criticized me for staying behind for my best interests. He graduated last year and has stayed where he went to school to work and pay off his school loans.

We have always communicated on a daily basis and make it a point to spend time with each other when given any opportunity to do so. We have always talked about the future, including children and marriage.

This past Christmas, he asked me to move in with him once I’ve completed my degree. I agreed. However, that was the last time I physically saw him. Between school getting more and more intense, clinical rotations, and summer courses, I haven’t been able to visit him. He also has not been able to come home due to a recent surgery.

Just last night he told me precisely this: “I never want to hurt you, so I think it’s fair I tell you that I’m seeing someone now. I can only blame it on the distance and the time we’ve had apart. It’s been so long since I’ve last been with you and right now, it’s uncertain when we’ll get the opportunity to see each other again and that alone hurts me. I don’t want that for us. If it ever happens between us, I will welcome it with the love I have for you. But for now I gotta do me. It hasn’t been anything serious with her and I don’t expect you to say anything about this, but I want you to understand that this doesn’t change how I feel about you. I’ll always love you. But apparently, we just can’t be together right now. Maybe some day. I love you and it’s killing me to never see you. It just isn’t fair to both of us. I still love you. I just can’t do this right now.”

I trust him, and I also give him props for telling me the truth. But it tears me to shreds to hear this. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this from him however. It has actually been a REALLY long time since we’ve had that conversation. It always seems to eventually rub off within a couple of weeks or months, whether there is someone else or not, and we’re back to normal and dandy all over again.

With that said, I guess my question is: Why love me and be with someone else? Is he just leaving me out to dry for later use, or does he see what I see for us someday?

I could never bring myself to do such a thing as see someone else when he has my heart. Four years is a long time and I honestly can’t see a future without him in it. But I also don’t want to be waiting around for his new-found fling to get “serious” all of a sudden.. though it has never happend, yet..

I’m so sorry for the novel!! However, please explain.

Thanks,
Marie

Dear Marie,

Thanks for your question.

We applaud your focus and dedication when it comes to your studies. Getting your career in place should be your number one goal right now. We hope you complete your course load, and establish yourself in the working world before you make any decisions about your relationship. Once you do that, you’ll be negotiating from a place of strength and security when it comes to figuring this relationship out. That may sound business-like, but it’s important for both of you to feel equally strong as you move forward.

As far as this other woman goes: We think it’s pretty selfish on his part. The relationship doesn’t sound serious, so we don’t think you need to worry about that, but he shouldn’t say all the things he’s saying to you, and still be sleeping with some other woman. Because what’s really going on? Yep. He wants sex. And if he can’t get it with you, he’s decided to get it from someone else until he can be with you. (If you believe he truly wants to be with you.) Also, what about this other woman? We wonder what he’s saying to her if he’s telling you he loves you? In our opinion he’s treating both of you disrespectfully and no matter how you slice it, it feels wrong.

Sure, guys want sex as much as they can get it, especially a young guy like your boyfriend. But so do women. So does everyone. But some people, like you for instance, are able to keep the larger picture in mind, and not act on every impulse or desire. He thinks since he’s been upfront with you that he’s free and clear, and absolved from any wrong doing. However, no such luck. It doesn’t work that way. If he wants to be single and have the freedom to act any way he wants, then by all means he has the right to do that. But if he chooses to be single and see other people, he can’t still keep you on the hook, string you along, and ask you to move in with him. He only gets to do one or the other, but not both. And that’s exactly what his speech to you is all about—keeping you in the fold while he explores other possibilities.

So Marie, you have to figure out how you want to address this issue. If you let it go and tell him it’s fine, even if you end up together, some other situation will come up where he’ll display his selfishness. You say it’s happened before, which means there is a pattern here—although the sample is kind of small. But this needs to be nipped in the bud now. We’re not telling you what to do because obviously you two have a strong connection, and you know better than us. We’re just presenting the picture from our perspective so you can see it with a bit more objectivity.

Here’s a test: It would be interesting to see how he would react if you told him exactly what he’s telling you. We doubt very highly he would be open and supportive of you and your needs if you started seeing some other guy.

One more point. Remember, you were still in high school when you met this guy. We know you love him dearly, but people change and evolve throughout their teens and twenties. In fact, we hope people never stop evolving throughout their lives. So consider keeping yourself more “open” as you embark on all the exciting new experiences life has to offer: school, career, a new city, and definitely new people.

We know you’ll figure this out Marie. We hope this helps you a little.

THE GUYS

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Dating problems: I keep wanting to leave

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

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Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Episode 37: Glee, Dunkin Donuts Psychic, Bratz, Slow Jams Contest

 

Dear Guys,

Okay, so I’m not sure if this is something I should ask you or not but I really need some help. I really really like a guy before a relationship but then once I start dating the guy, it’s like I don’t want him anymore and I have no idea why. Like I’m always wanting to break up with my boyfriend and not wanting to spend time with him anymore once I have him. Can you please tell me why this might be?

Kay Kay

Dear Kay Kay,

Thanks for your question.

Are you sure you’re not a guy? Sorry, just kidding. We couldn’t help it. You see, that sounds more like a typical guy issue than a woman’s.

We think you’re right to question what’s going on with you, especially since this seems to be a pattern. We’re guessing this has more to do with you, rather than the guys you are with. Although, if the same pattern occurs over and over, you could also be choosing the same sort of guy, which is why you seem to behave the same way once you get him. Maybe some part of you is saying, “this guy is not right for me.” But no matter what it is, the issue originates with you.

Not to get too psychological on you, because we are not psychologists, psychiatrists, or doctors, but we do know that past events impact present day behaviors. Can you think of any event, or series of events that might be playing a part in your inability to commit, and feel happy in a relationship?

We also know that primary relationships with parents and siblings can also shape the way a person interacts with friends, and members of the opposite sex. You might want to explore those past relationships as well.

The reason for all this probing is not to offer you an excuse for what’s going on, but maybe help you pinpoint where and when the issue originated, and then you might be able to give it a “name or a face.” However, once you do that, it’s up to you to work on changing the way you behave. Obviously you have some kind of fear that you’re battling. We’re not sure what it is. Fear of rejection. Fear of being stuck. Fear of making wrong decisions. That’s up to you to figure out. But whatever the fear is you need to face it head on and figure out what’s going on.

You seem like a very reflective person Kay Kay and that’s a great start. Keep trying to figure this out. You might want to seek a more professional opinion to help you sort this out.

Hope this helps.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

Last week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Is he my boyfriend or am I just booty call?

We smile; does he like me?

Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship

This week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

 

Dear Guys,

I went to prom with my best friend, and my boyfriend Toby got mad about it. I see Toby every Saturday and Wednesday and usually one other night a week.

About once a month I like going to concerts or something big with one of my other friends but I hang out with them on a weekly basis too. My boyfriend has a friend named Lyndsay that he hangs out with and they are best friends. And I have a guy named Joel that I like to hang out with but I told Toby, my boyfriend, that I was planning on going to a concert with Joel and he got mad, and started on about how his life is hell and how I am selfish and don’t give him my all.

What should I do?

Kayla

Dear Kayla,

Thanks for your question. Hmm….what should you do?

First of all you need to figure out what you really want. Do you want to be free to do anything you want, with anyone you want, anytime you want, or do you want to be involved with your boyfriend? We’re not saying the two are necessarily mutually exclusive, but relationships require a certain degree of give and take, as well as empathy; and that doesn’t sound like it’s happening in your relationship with your boyfriend. It doesn’t feel like either of you are taking each others’ feelings into account when you go out with your friends, especially friends of the opposite sex. It’s natural for him to be jealous. Most guys would feel a degree of jealousy if their girlfriend started hanging out with some other guy, even if they were told he was just a friend. Guys know guys. Or rather, a dog knows a dog.

The degree of jealousy is the issue here. Healthy jealousy is not always a bad thing. Toby is showing you that he cares about you. However, it can easily slip into the unhealthy realm, which can lead to all sorts of dramatic, unsavory, and even dangerous behaviors. One of the ways to address jealousy is to talk about it. Sit Toby down and find out why he feels jealous. Let him talk about his feelings. And then try to explain where you’re coming from, and why you need space to hang out with your friends too. He needs to allow you that freedom, and it’s a tricky balance. Often it’s what a woman is doing with the other guy that is the problem. If you were just having coffee and talking to your boy friends that would be one thing, but if you’re going out dancing and to dinner with them that’s another thing entirely. Having friends of the opposite sex is a great thing, but these friends shouldn’t replace the emotional connection you have with your boyfriend. And you shouldn’t be doing activities that fall under the boyfriend and girlfriend category like: dancing, dinners, vacations, etc.

If the the two of you can’t work this out, maybe both of you aren’t ready to be in a relationship with each other; or maybe the two of you don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship at all. You’re young. There’s nothing wrong with just enjoying being single, or dating casually. Either way this will all work itself out if you the two of you have a nice sit down and talk things through.

Please keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Long distance relationship-to college friend: Is this girl playing me?

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on theAsk the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

Last week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Is he my boyfriend or am I just booty call?

We smile; does he like me?

Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship

This week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Hey Guys,

I’ll be as thorough as possible because this girl is really unique. She is unlike any girl I’ve ever met. So anyway, we’ve known of each other for about 3 years. She lives about an hour away from me, but I have a close buddy that lives down there and we met through him. We only really saw each other when I’d go visit him and that was pretty rare, but I think my buddy was slightly jealous because she would talk about me a lot. So finally,  she and I found out we were going to the same school and she hits me up wanting to hang out. I agreed, I didn’t really know anyone on campus but I sure as hell wasn’t going to just sit in my dorm all semester. So I went out and we went on a walk and it was actually really fun.

This walking thing started happening 2-4 times a week. Now keep in mind, I think she’s really hot but at the time we started going on walks I didn’t have feelings for her nor was I interested. I thought she was a little immature and somewhat naive, but the conversation was still great.

So the semester started in September, and by November we became really close. I was telling her stuff I couldn’t even tell my buddies and she was telling me stuff she couldn’t even tell her best friends. So essentially we became best friends that semester. Oh by the way, in October she made a slip and said she had a boyfriend that she’s been seeing since the start of the semester, who lives at home.

Anyway, come November, she’d always tell me how shitty her boyfriend was and stuff and I’d just sit there asking her why she deals with it. She’d tell me things she does for him and that he doesn’t even appreciate her. Anyway, because of these stories and us sharing so many interests, I really started to have feelings for her.

(Note to readers: We are going to sum up Ryan’s situation)(Note to Ryan: We had to shorten your note a bit, but our comments reflect your entire question.)

We started hanging out more and more and became closer and closer. We even started holding hands and kissing. But the thing is she still had this boyfriend that she wouldn’t break up with. After a while I told her it was too difficult to hang out with her knowing she had a boyfriend. Over spring break we didn’t talk much and it was hard on both of us. When school started up again we started hanging out again and it was great. It’s almost as if she’s my girlfriend but not really. We don’t have sex, but we do hug, kiss, and hold hands. She complains about her boyfriend more and more, even crying and saying she doesn’t know what to do.

I really like this girl and I don’t want to loser, even if it means we’ll just be friends. But my heart wants so much more.

So here are my question(s).

1) Am I not seeing the big picture here?

2) She’s mentioned she’s going to break up with him but has not. This is her first relationship and I know how hard it is to break up with your first “love” so should I show sympathy or be pissed she hasn’t broken up with him yet?

3) Is there a game plan I can assemble to make her dump him? Normally I don’t play the d-bag that does that, but he’s a real scum bag and treats her like dirt. She isn’t treated the way she deserves.

4) Would everyone agree here that there’s something more than just feelings of friendship between us? Or do you see me getting played by this girl?

Ryan

Dear Ryan,

Thanks for the very detailed question.

You’re definitely not getting played if you’ve described everything accurately, which we assume you have. It’s obvious from what you say that both of you have strong feelings for one another. In fact we’d go so far as to say, you both feel equally strong about one another.

We have to be honest and say that it does bother us that she is being unfaithful to her boyfriend. We’d hate the same thing to happen to you down the road if she were to leave him and be with you. We wish she were strong enough to break up with him first and then be with you, or just tell you that she can’t hang out with you and stay with her boyfriend. The fact that she has one foot in both places reflects her inability to make difficult decisions; although she is young and sometimes life just happens. We’ll just assume your assessment of her character is clearer than ours. So let’s address your questions.

Ryan, you need to ask yourself what’s stopping her from breaking up with her boyfriend? If he’s that lame, why hasn’t she broken it off yet? Sure, he’s her first “love” but this has been going on for long enough don’t you think? A lot of people are afraid to break up with someone because they don’t like being lonely. (In her case, she has someone who’s willing and waiting.) Some people don’t break up for fear of hurting the other person, but she’s already done that by starting a pseudo-relationship with you. So what gives? You need to really understand what’s going on with her. Have you asked her directly what’s stopping her? This needs to be discussed.

We don’t think you should formulate some game plan to get her to break up with her boyfriend; that’s not a good idea. If you do that and she thinks you’ve influenced her before she was ready to break it off, it will only lead to resentment down the road. She needs to figure this out herself. If she chooses you over him, you will be much happier. And if it doesn’t work out, then she’s not the right girl for you anyway.

Ryan, you’ve got a real nice thing with this girl. We think you need to tell her how you feel about her, and what you really want. Don’t pretend you’re okay with being friends with her, when you really want her to be your girlfriend. Be straightforward and honest with her, AND with yourself. It’s okay to ask for what you want. We encourage it. Sure, there are no guarantees in life, but you don’t want to look back with regret.

If nothing changes after you talk with her, it might be time to pull back a little. In some ways you’re a bit too accessible to her. Right now she gets to have your friendship, and have her boyfriend too. And sometimes people have a hard time making big decisions when there’s too much in front of them. If you make yourself a bit more scarce, she might have some room to really assess how she feels about you, and her boyfriend, and then make a decision that is right for her, and hopefully right for you as well. This doesn’t mean play hardball. Don’t remove yourself entirely and play some game with her. She needs to know that you still care for her, and that you’ll be there for her, but she also needs to know that the current situation is not working for you.

Keep your eye on the prize Ryan, but you may have to let it out of your sight before you actually get to have it.

Good luck and keep us posted. We’re rooting for you.

THE GUYS

 

 

Is he my boyfriend or am I just a booty call?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

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TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

This week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Here are last week’s questions:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

The Gym Guy: Is he interested?

Sex after child

Is he playing me?

Dating and Deployment: Should I start a relationship?

Dear Guys,

I started talking to this guy about four months ago. We started having sex and then just recently he started calling himself my boyfriend. He knows that’s what I’ve wanted from the beginning.

Would this guy go to the trouble to come here and spend time with me talking, before and after sex, putting his head on my chest and tickling me, and stuff like that if I’m just a booty call?

We are both divorced and both of us have kids, so going out on dates is hard. I’m worried that I may just be a stand by, or only a booty call?

Rae

Dear Rae,

Thanks for writing to us.

It seems like he’s your boyfriend, but we can understand why you’re unsure.

The signs that say he is your bother would be: He enjoys coming over; you spend quality time together; he wants to interact with you beyond just having sex; you care for him, and he cares for you. But that doesn’t mean he is actually your boyfriend, even if he says he is.

We think you need to gather some more information about him.

What’s he doing when he’s not with you? We’re not saying you should be suspicious, but if he is your boyfriend, it seems that you should know a little more about him. What does he do for work? Who are his friends? Have you met them? Have you met his family? How about his kids? Have you met them? Does he coach their games? Is he involved in their lives? All of these things will provide you with more answers.

Just because he rubs your tummy and tickles you before and after sex doesn’t make him your boyfriend. A guy will do almost anything for sex. What makes him your boyfriend is your emotional connection with him, and the bond you form on a day to day basis. What else? How about the two of you working on good communication and establishing trust. Those are the pieces that need to be in place so you don’t feel so unsure about where you stand with him. Rae, it’s almost like you’re eating the wild berries before you’ve figured out if they’re poisonous or not.

So talk to him. Tell him about yourself. Learn about him. Start to get to know each other beyond just the physical realm.

And even though it’s hard, we recommend you go out on some real dates with him. Maybe once every two weeks to start, even if it’s just for a few hours. It could be during the day or at night. Whenever you can manage to get a babysitter. That will be a nice change from your normal routine. And we guarantee you’ll feel much less like a booty call if you start to put some of these pieces in place.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Jealousy: Friends of the opposite sex

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Consider a donation to The Guys. We put a lot of time into giving thoughtful and informative answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

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This Week’s Questions:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

The Gym Guy: Is he interested?

Sex after child

Is he playing me?

Dating and Deployment: Should I start a relationship?

Questions to come:

Break up confusion?

Cheating?

Confused single mom

Am I  being played?

Vegas Trip?

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for many years off and on. This time around (which is the last time) we are both making the effort and planning towards marriage.  A tentative date is set (2012) but no ring yet.  It is my belief that it’s not official until a ring is on my finger.

Now to my question.  What should I think about him when he thinks I’ve slept with every one of my guy friends? And he does not believe me when I say that I have not.  Actually, I have not.  As I said before, we have been together for many years.  This is the first time he has ever questioned my faithfulness or truthfulness.  He said he is willing to work through this with me but I believe this is an attack on my character to the highest point.  From my perspective, I have done nothing with other men while with him.  Even my regular guy friends he is confident that I have f*** them!

What should I make of this?

Diane

Hi Diane,

Thanks for writing to us.

The fact that he doesn’t trust you is a problem, and a big red flag. Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship, and if it’s not there you have to figure out why it isn’t, or what happened to it, and try to inject it back into your relationship.

Maybe your man has always been this way and you just didn’t notice it; and now his insecurities are getting the best of him. If this is true, he’s unlikely to change. If not, and this is truly new behavior on his part, you need to figure out why he’s started to feel and act this way.

Is there a reason he all of a sudden thinks you’ve slept with your friends? You say you’ve never done anything, so why is he so jealous? Like we said, if he really has always been this way, but you’re just noticing it now, or it’s just starting to bother you now, then it’s a real problem. But if something happened that is now causing him to be suspicious of you, please get to the bottom of it. Talk to him. Find out what’s really going on.

Some thoughts about friends of the opposite sex for all readers.

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, but you have to tread carefully. Going out on the town, or to bars, or to dinner, or doing things that typically you’d do with your spouse or boyfriend is not really okay. Also having close emotional bonds with other men(for women), and women(for men) can also be a problem; like having a friend of the opposite sex you confide in, and talk to about things you can’t or won’t talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about. Some women-and men-think this is okay, but the best test is the reversal test. How would you feel if your partner was confiding in one of their friends, and talking about your relationship, or talking intimately with some other person and not you? It’s likely you wouldn’t like it so much.

We’re absolutely not saying being in a relationship should restrict a person from having friends of the opposite sex, but we are saying, always be respectful and consider your partner’s feelings. And ask yourself, is your behavior truly being respectful of your partner?

You don’t give us enough information Diane, but the man in your life should feel like he’s the most important person in your life, and he should make you feel the same way. Neither of you should have to compete with each others friends.

However, if you can’t think of any good reason that he might be jealous, then this could potentially be an issue for both of you. Without trust, relationships eventually fall apart.

Good luck to both of you.

THE GUYS

Is he stubborn or just not into me?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Consider a donation to The Guys. We put a lot of time into giving thoughtful and informative answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

This Week’s Questions:

The Gym Guy: Is he interested?

Sex after child

Last week’s questions:

Men and their Guy Trips

Did he ever care at all?

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Questions to come:

Confusion?

Am I being played?

Is he playing me?

Dear Guys,

I met this guy in like August or September and he still occasionally texts me to hang out-not everyday, but like a couple times in a week. But then he won’t text me for a while.

He does a lot of things that confuse me a bit, but recently he does this thing where he will text me to hang out and I’ll say, “Yeah.” And then after my response he won’t text me back. What is the point of that? He’s done that two or three times, and the most recent time I turned him down cause I was working. Another time I just didn’t see his text, so I responded a few days later when I saw it.

Sooo is it possible he thinks I’m playing him and he’s doing it in return? Because I do have a history of being flaky with him, but not recently.

Kate

Dear Kate,

Thanks for writing to us.

We have a question for you. Why do you two only text with this guy? It seems to us that you need to do less texting and more actual talking.

Yes, some of his actions are confusing, but to us, the way both of you are conducting yourselves in this “relationship” seems confusing. Texting in general often leads to misunderstanding. Please talk to him by phone or in person and square some things away.

And Kate, you need to decide if you’re really into this guy, or just into him right now. It’s not like your getting a whole lot from him. If you really are into him start talking to him about how you feel, and see if you can get some information from him about where he stands. If you’re not really that into him, find someone who is going to be more reliable. Reliability is an important quality to have in a partner. It’s a first cousin of trust.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

However, we will give priority to any question accompanied by a small donation. Click the Paypal button to the right to support the guys. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

Last week’s questions:

Is cheating ex playing me?

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Relationship Advice: Committed or not committed?

Four Years of Mixed Messages

Dear Guys,

I hope you get to respond to this one.  I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and a few months.  I am 32 and he will be 40 next month.  He’s the first and only guy I “knew” and he was the one about 6-7 months into the relationship.  We’ve both had previous relationships.  I also made it clear in those first 6 months that I was not dating him to be his girlfriend forever.  He understood.  We knew we loved each other, so I thought everything was fine.  But then a year and half into our relationship, my sister had some marital problems which kind of prompted me to bring up marriage with him.  I mentioned, or asked, to try to confirm that he did want to get married and have kids.  He made some joke about how I couldn’t handle a kid because I’d drop it, since I’m so careless. I pressed it and he got very uncomfortable, and asked me where “all this” was coming from.  Then he went MIA on me for a week.

We talked the following week and he said how he shouldn’t have gone MIA but that he wasn’t on any timeline.  I said that was fine, since I thought that it was only a year and half into our relationship.  But then around the 2.5 year mark, I started to ask him when I would meet his parents and how I wanted to come over his place.  He was dealing with a very sick dad who passed away last year and basically took care of his parents, changed his dad, fed him, etc. you get the picture.  He always seemed so stressed over working (he has his own law practice) and caring for his dad, that I didn’t want to stress him out, so I didn’t push things like pressing him to get married. But after 2.5 years or so I really wanted to meet more than his best friend, who I didn’t even see regularly.

Anyway, when I asked if I could come over and help, his response was nice but was like, “Babe, my house is a circus between taking care of my dad and all, what would you do?”  I told him I could distract his mom and keep her company.  Then I asked that I would meet his parents right?  He said of course I would but the time just wasn’t right right now.

After 2.5 years whenever I brought up marriage, he got very uncomfortable.  Then his dad died in January last year and  I brought it up around June, asking again when I would meet his mom(not about marriage per se)and his response was like, “Babe, I’m depressed, I cant even think straight. How can I answer that?”  So last year, everything was about how depressed he was.  But my question is, “Can a death in the family prevent someone who wants to be with you to marry you?”  I mean, its always something or another it seems with him, yet he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me and has run away from other relationships for lesser things so that the fact that he’s still here trying to work it out should show me how much he wants this to work.

Anyway, I almost broke up with him last November but he wouldn’t let me and said he would try harder.  I still haven’t met his mom formally, I ran into her at the mall with him and he introduced me to him, his brother and nieces, and his sister as a friend.  He says he wants things to be better before he introduces me to them formally but I told him I need him to do something to feel better, take some action to further the relationship not just wait it out hoping to feel better.

So he agreed to meet my sister and brother in law last week when they were in town for an hour.  The first half hour went fine, light talk, but he flipped out when my sister lightly asked, “So..what are your plans,” responding very defensively to her that that was our decision and he didn’t appreciate being interrogated.

Now he hasn’t called me in a week, even after I tried to call him down after that meeting and told him not to pull the MIA thing again.  And even after recognizing that his response was overblown and that I should be the one who was offended at the way he came across to my family.  Instead, I got a text from him saying how he was sorry he had not called but that he was “deeply troubled” and did not want to say something he regretted and that!
hopefully we could talk in a few days.

WTF? Deeply troubled because my sister asked about our future plans since we’ve been dating for 4 years?  Whats his deal?

G

Dear G,

Thanks for your question. To use your own words, we are deeply troubled by this.

We’re not sure even where to start, but how about with his father passing away. First of all our condolences.  Having to take care of a sick parent, and then having to watch them die, is very difficult. That’s a situation that could easily cause your boyfriend to be severely stressed, and depressed. Everyone reacts differently to these types of situations. Typically, people want to be consoled by the people they are closest to. Often these types of situations draw people closer together, not push them farther apart. However, some people need space to deal with their grief-like your boyfriend-and it’s important you honor that. It sounds like you have.

However, we don’t think that’s what’s going on here. We unfortunately agree with your assessment: There will always be something with this guy. And his reaction to your sister, and then his subsequent action-going MIA again-is telling. What does you sister think? What does she say?

It’s also telling that he hasn’t wanted to introduce you to his parents. Most people who are serious about their prospective partner want their partner to meet their family, if not for the simple reason of letting their family know they are serious about the relationship they are in. This is a red flag.

We know this is very hard. It’s obvious you love this man, but are you really getting what you need out of this emotionally? You keep asking him to give you some sort of sign that he’s committed for the long term and all you get are deflections. If after four years he’s still not sure, he probably will never be sure about your relationship and you.

Contrary to popular belief, guys can commit to a relationship. Usually we know right away how committed we want to be. It’s a combination of where we are in our lives, how comfortable we are with ourselves, and how attracted we are to the woman….plus a few other variables like does the woman get along with our friends, is she fun, is she smart, and is the sex good. Four years is a long time to be unsure, especially since neither of you are in your early twenties.

We hope this gets you thinking a bit. You have to keep talking to him. Communication is so important in a relationship. You are not being too pushy here. You deserve to know the truth. And if he can’t provide the answers you’re looking for, you’re going to have to make the decision to stay or go yourself.

Good luck. Don’t settle. You deserve to have someone who loves you and respects you the way you want to be loved and respected.

THE GUYS

High School Dating: Am I hot or not??

Please leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page if you have a question about relationships, guys, or gals. We will give you an honest and thoughtful opinion, but of course we can’t guarantee results. That’s up to you.

We try to answer all the questions we receive, but with the number of questions, it’s not always possible. We answer questions here, and on our podcast. See the home page on this website. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. Or subscribe on itunes and leave us a five star review!

Also see and hear us on WBZ Radio in Boston Web Page WBZ Women’s Watch

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Whether you give or not we will try and answer your question, but we will give priority to questions accompanied by a small donation. Let us know in your note to us. Thanks for your support. We’re glad this page has been so helpful to so many people.

Next Up:

Four years and counting

Did he care at all?

Break up confusion

Dear Guys,

There’s this guy I’m friends with and before we met he always told his friend how hot I was. Well after we met for the first time he told his friend he liked my personality. So we started texting and had really good conversations. Then we hung out twice in a group, and after that he stopped texting. It’s like he didn’t care. My question is, how can a guy say stuff like that and talk to you until like 1:30am but then all of a sudden just stop?

I’m 17 and so is he. We go to the same school but never see each other there.

The only time that he’s kinda asked me out was last week. We were texting and he asked when I was leaving for spring break and I told him not until sometime during the week and he said “Gotcha. Sooo we are all gonna chill this weekend then?” And I said yeah we could go to the movies and he was cool with that, but we ended up not being able to go. The “all” in the message is in reference to his best friend and his girlfriend who happens to be my best friend; that’s how we met.

I’m black and he’s white; I don’t know if that makes a difference or not. It’s not an issue with either of us or our friends cause they’re interracial too. He also said that he respected that I am still a virgin and he said he hates guys that try to pressure girls into sex so I don’t think that’s his main goal. But, I also have had experiences with guys saying that and they turn out to be complete douches so I do have my guard up kinda.

One more thing, my friend said that she was reading her boyfriend’s chat message and the guy I’m into was supposedly hooking up with some girl, which didn’t really bother me because it’s not like we were dating, but I mean it still didn’t sit well with me…

Thanks so much for helping :)

Asia

Dear Asia,

Thanks for writing to us. Let’s try and sort this out.

This guy is fishing. He’s trying to figure out what his best play is. We’re not completely comfortable with his approach.

First of all, we don’t like to hear that this guy is hooking up with another girl. That’s a red flag in our eyes. On the one hand he says he respects you for being a virgin. But on the other hand he’s trying to get some action from some other girl while he’s pursuing you? What does this say to you? To us it says that his actions speak a little louder than his words.

We will cut him some slack since this is not atypical of a 17 yr. old guy, but really he should just come right out and ask you out instead of being passive and putting the onus on you.

For example. He should say:

“Would you like to go to the movies with me?”

Instead of:

“Are we gonna chill this weekend?”

The first example is active. He’s actively pursuing you. The second is passive. He’s trying to elicit some sort of response from you and get you to be the initiator. And you did just that by suggesting the movies.

Asia, it might feel good to take control, but in the end it’s going to backfire on you. No matter if you’re 17 or 35 or 55, let the man pursue you, at least at the beginning. That doesn’t mean you should play hard to get or play games, it just means, don’t make it easy for him by taking the reins.

So here’s what we think. Just see how this plays out, but let him pursue you. And if you hear about him hooking up with other girls, it might be time to check out some other possibilities yourself.

Best to you,

THE GUYS

Relationship Advice: Committed or uncommitted?

Next up:

Hot or Not?

Is cheating ex playing me?

Does he have a girlfriend?

Read some of our archives: Girlfriend Potential

Dear Guys,

I don’t understand why guys who are in a committed relationship say to uncommitted females “if I wasn’t taken, I would be interested in pursuing you.” there is no guarantee of that ever coming to pass at any point in time.

Tammy

Dear Tammy,

Thanks for your question. This is probably something that would interest a lot of women.

First of all, by speaking with you in this way, he’s being disrespectful to the woman he’s currently seeing. Can you imagine your boyfriend going around telling the girls he’s attracted to, “If I wasn’t in a relationship, I would be pursuing you.” This is a red flag, and probably someone to stay away from. He’s likely a player, or sometimes called a Playa. If he’s saying this to you, he’s saying it to many women, and things wouldn’t be any different if you were actually his girlfriend.

Now for a softer evaluation. A guy might be in a rocky relationship, or one that he doesn’t feel too secure about, and this might be a reason he says this to another woman. He wants to keep his options open so he doesn’t miss out on any great opportunities as his other relationship falls apart. However, once again, we prefer guys to man up and end one relationship before they start the next. However, we do understand that life is messy, and sometimes it doesn’t always work out that way.

Our take: proceed with major caution on this one.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Readers: Leave us a note here and ask us a question. Relationship questions, or general questions about guys/men.

TGP Episode 25: Relationship questions and answers

During this episode we address some of the many questions we’ve received in the last few weeks. If you have a question for us, please contact us through the “Ask the Guys” page on our website, or at: 347-855-GUYS.

Here are some of this episode’s questions.

Ex-boyfriend problem.

The age difference

Is he interested?

Is 17 too young to fall in love?

Cheerleader

Am I a booty call?

Dear Guys,

First, thank you in advance for your time!

I am 41, physically attractive and fit female (look 10 years younger), mechanical engineer (but no longer in the field).  No kids.  Very social, love travelling, love other cultures, and have a great time with friends.  Two divorces, 16 years apart (second one not yet final, been dragging for months with asset division but marriage has been dead for a long time).  I am white/native american.  I am spiritual but not religious – I do a lot of meditating, kirtan, etc (which is in line with my boyfriend’s upbringing).  HE is 25 (no, the age gap wasn’t intentional, each thought the other was 30-ish initially til we actually talked age).  East Indian, but born in the US.  Hindu.  Never married, one other girlfriend in the past (Muslim girl, total disaster), several dates, but no other serious relationships.  Constantly surrounded by women (all friends) and his facebook shows it.  Life of the party.  Still finding his way with respect to career.  WE have an insane amount of common interests and lifestyle.  I’ve been extremely encouraging regarding career options, academics, etc.  I’ve carried more than my weight financially in the relationship.  He has the keys to my house, my cars, and, frankly, my heart.  He still goes back to his apartment (that I’m not allowed to enter) most nights of the week (no, not a girl there -he has a male roommate that I know).  We have been dating for almost six months, he asked me to be his girlfriend almost three months ago.  He DOES introduce me to his local friends.  His family DOES NOT have one single clue about me, even though they live part time in this same town.  His younger brother and some cousins are the only ones that can see his facebook (his parents are blocked).  Still, while I am tagging photos of us and writing nice things about him occasionally on my “wall” he has not written one single thing about me on his.  He still lists himself as single.  Tonight, in my frustration, I did the same.

Until now, I have made a point to be complimentary, do all the “little things” to foster a good, secure relationship, give him massages and hugs and kisses every day…basically he’s got it pretty easy.  Last week I even looked up online how to write “I love you” in Gujarati, his native language, and gave it to him.  I sent him an e-card for Diwali end of October.  But I cannot be around any of his family.  He is currently in Vegas for an Indian wedding (on his dad’s side).  After he delayed a phone call to me by three hours (he admitted that every time he felt his phone vibrate he knew it was me wondering why he hasn’t called), he stepped out to return my call.  I told him that if I wasn’t such a big secret then he COULD answer texts or calls in front of the family.  He said I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is right now.  I asked for how long.  He said he doesn’t know, but that’s the way it is.  This is the second time in two weeks I’ve brought it up that I am upset about his family not knowing about me/us.

He’s been absolutely wonderful in every other area – very positive and supportive through the uncertainties of my divorce, encouraging me in my own rental business and in life in general, etc.  The only problems are 1) me being a secret, and 2) not returning texts and calls.  As I type this, I feel like an idiot, like the writing is on the wall – I am nothing more than a sugar momma or a booty call for him, and he just acts nice in other times to keep the supply coming.   But there is still one shred of me that wonders if it IS a cultural thing, if he IS waiting for the right moment to tell them about me (when they are not disappointed in his failure to start a career?).  But I am short on time biologically, and I need some advice on whether I should wait it out or cut and run.

Thanks again!!  Sorry for the length of the question!

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Thanks for writing to us.

We hate to be the bearers of unpleasant news, but it sounds like your assessment is probably accurate. We wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re only a “booty” call, but the current situation is unlikely to change.

You sound like a smart, loving, and giving person. We’re sure he appreciates all of those qualities in you. Based on his limited experience, you’re probably a breath of fresh air for him. We’re sure he’s learning a lot on how to have a relationship, among other things, but we doubt that he’s thinking of you as someone long term. Remember, he could merrily go on his way for years with you and still not even be thirty. We don’t think that’s something you want to do since you mention your biological clock.

The best thing to do is tell him how you feel and ask him directly where he sees your relationship going. The problem is, not only is he only 25, but he’s an inexperienced 25. For guys, that’s right around the time where they start to catch up to women from a maturity standpoint. (It takes us a bit longer.) So his head may be at a completely different place in two years or five years. If he asks you to be patient, and tells you he plans to tell his family at some point, you have to decide if you want to wait.

His heritage may be playing a factor here, but if it is, it’s not the biggest factor. It’s more likely the difference in your age, and life experience. It’s never a good thing when someone hides their relationship from their family. He should want to tell everyone he knows how wonderful, cool, and hot his new girlfriend is. The fact that he’s not doing that now, doesn’t bode well for the future.

Please speak with him. And good luck. We wish you the best.


THE GUYS

ps. If any of you have relationship questions, leave us a note on the “Ask the Guys” page here on our website. Or call us at: 347-855-GUYS and leave us a message. We’ll try to answer your question here or on our podcast. We do our best, but can’t always get to every question.

Twice my age

Dear Guys,

Alright boys, get ready for this one..
I am 18, and a university student. I grew up in a small, gorgeous town with a close family. I have dated several people in my own age range, but never really found anything in common. This year, I started to realize I had feelings for someone TWICE MY AGE. Not in a gross way, just an honest to God, “we can talk about anything”, comfortable attraction. We had tons in common, he appears to be a lot younger.. basically the conversations never ended. We talked about everything from music, to life goals, to just general things. We were just content to be talking. The day finally came when he admitted he was attracted to me, but did not want to do anything- out of respect-and due to the bizarre and uncomfortable situation. We continued to talk and grow closer, always avoided the fact that we had feelings for one another. Soon, the happiness and bliss were overridden by constant frustration. He was the perfect guy for me, we suited each other’s personalities perfectly- but could NOT be together. We spent time together in person, always trying to maintain an air of “big bro & little sis”. We handled it fairly well. Now the frustration has led to us being out of each other’s lives completely. I don’t want him to go, but we were never together anyways, and we have such a hard time being “just friends”. Help!

Confused

Dear Confused,

Thanks for writing. Life never ceases to be interesting does it?

First of all, no matter what situation you find yourself in, there are always tons of reasons to NOT do something. If you’re an artist, everyone says, “Give it up, it’s too hard, just do it as a hobby, you’ll never make it.” We could cite example after example of reasons to not pursue careers, passions, or people. So for kicks, let’s look at all the reasons not to proceed forward in your situation.

Cons for Both of You:

1. He’s twice your age. (That just looks funny.)

2. Your family won’t approve. (They want you to have a “normal” relationship. )

3. Eventually he’ll get sick of you, and find someone he has more in common with.

4. Eventually you’ll get sick of him, because he’ll be middle-aged when you’re in your twenties.

5. Strangers will think you’re father and daughter.(He could be your father.)

6. It just looks weird.

7. You’re at very different places in your life.

8. You won’t be allowed to blossom and experience life the way a young person should.

9. Your friends will criticize you and make fun of you. His friends will do the same, but his guy friends will also be jealous.

10. You’re too young. You just don’t know enough to make a good decision.

We could go on and on, but you get our point. We’re not going to tell you what to do. All of the reasons stated above are good reasons not to proceed. But you also gave a lot of reasons why it might be worth exploring.

You have to ultimately decide what’s right for you, and that can be difficult with so many other people weighing in.

We won’t tell you that the road will be perfect if you do decide to give it a go. We won’t lie to you. Most people will think your guy friend is getting the better end of the deal. He’s an older guy possibly dating a young, attractive woman. Some people will even think it’s gross. That’s not for us to say one way or another. Everyone’s different. Every situation is different. Any time people come together with different backgrounds it’s more difficult to sort through issues. But the best way to do that is talk, talk, talk, and it sounds like that’s one of the things you two have going for you.

Take a hard look at what you want. You may decide it’s best to move on from this situation. Or you might decide it’s worth exploring. If you do move forward it doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind if it doesn’t seem right to you at a later point.

We hope this helps put things in perspective for you.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. We may be discussing this on an upcoming podcast too. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. Listen and subscribe on itunes. Or here.

Is my relationship over?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating this guy for about 16 months. Things were great in the beginning as they usually are, but fast forward to now and they’re not. It all started when I suggested he visit a guy friend who needed to “talk.” Well, he didn’t come home that night. So, me being the “Leo” sign that I am, I left the house and figured two can play at this game. I went to a graduation party, leaving before he arrived. This of course blew up into a HUGE fight and the outcome was that he wanted out. He was done. We had done this dance before and we would always “kiss and make up.” This time was different. He meant it.

He has a problem with the fact that I’ve kept ties to my ex and his family. I have two boys from my previous marriage, 17 and 15. I consider them all to be family and this eats at my current boyfriend, even though my ex has tried to be friendly with him and talk to him at gatherings.

My boyfriend was also married twice before with two kids from his first wife. He sees the kids only in the summer. Other than that he has no ties with his ex.

So back to my question. At first I agreed we were done. I’m 39 and he’s 38 and we’re too old for games. However, the more I thought about our relationship and what we have overcome, the more I wanted to stay and try again. So I convinced him to stay and give it another go. I of course would need to cut ties to me ex-family and revive our sex life, which has fallen off. However, I’m not sure he really wants to try. He says he does but his actions say otherwise. He used to text me 200 times a day,(Exaggeration)but now he sends me 5 a day, maybe. He stopped letting me know what he is doing to the point to where I don’t know where he is and sometimes whether or not he’s coming home. I told him that if we were to work on our relationship it has to be both our efforts and I don’t see much coming from him.

What’s going on? Do I let the relationship go, even though we agreed to try?

Debbie

Dear Debbie,

Thanks for writing. That’s a lot to digest!

First of all we commend you for having your priorities straight. The fact that you and your ex-husband work hard at maintaining an amicable relationship says a lot about your character. Divorce is never ideal, but it certainly is much more healthy for the kids if the parents are on the same page and are working together.

Your relationship with your current boyfriend seems to be missing an important element that is vital for any relationship: TRUST! For some reason he doesn’t trust you to be with your ex and your previous family, and you to a certain extent don’t trust him to be out with the guys. You don’t mention a reason for him to be suspicious of you so we can only speculate here. Our best guess is your boyfriend has trust issues in general. And frankly it seems odd that he isn’t more understanding of your situation since he is also divorced with kids. Obviously, it must be hard for him to not see his kids for 10 months every year so we can see how he might feel jealous and resentful of your situation. This is not your fault, but something to be aware of.

However, all is not necessarily lost yet. But he needs to show that he really wants to make this work. Right now he’s not doing that. In fact he’s doing his best to push you away and have you make the final decision. If he doesn’t change his behavior very soon, it’s time for you to move on. And honestly, if we were you, we’d already be gone. It just doesn’t sound like the two of you are in the same place in your lives, even if it looks like that on paper.

The good news, and bad, is that your kids will be grown soon. And once they’re settled and on their own, you probably won’t have as much contact with your ex. This might make it easier to get in a less complicated relationship down the road, with a person who might respect you for your loyalty and devotion to your kids. They may even embrace your ex’s family.

So Debbie, please don’t compromise yourself, your values, and your kids to be with this man. If he truly wants to make it work he needs to step up to the plate big time. And then you both need to talk, talk, talk, and try to come to some true understanding of each other. Otherwise we know there are many good guys out there for you to meet. Good luck!

THE GUYS

ps. Zach, her boyfriend left his side of the story in the comments section. Please read to get the entire picture before you make a comment.

To ask us a relationship question, go to the “Ask the Guys” page on the website and leave us a note. We also answer questions on our podcast.

Question/Answer: The trip to Vegas

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend went to Vegas almost 2 months ago and he left with my full trust. When he came back he wouldn’t show me the pictures he took there which was odd because he would always show me pictures of his trips. I thought he was hiding something from me so when I got a hold of the pictures, I found one of him and his very good friend, which is a girl, sleeping in the same bed. I knew someone was gonna sleep next to him but I didn’t expect them to be cuddling. I confronted him about the picture and he said they had passed out but I don’t think that’s an excuse to be cuddling like that. I feel like he likes her even though he tells me they are just friends and have been for 5 yrs. But I can’t get past the picture and how flirty they act around each other. So is it possible that he has a thing for her but won’t admit it or that he really isn’t into her?

Sylvia

Dear Sylvia,

Thanks for writing. Obviously you read last week’s post about friendships with people of the opposite sex. And while we wholeheartedly feel that this type of relationship is possible, your situation is a bit different.

Men and women can absolutely be friends, but if either one of them is in a committed relationship the rules change a bit. This would mean absolutely no trips together, and especially to Vegas. That’s your first red flag. Why weren’t you invited? And why did he think it was okay to take a trip and sleep in the same bed with this so called friend? Whether he did anything or not is almost irrelevant. It’s an odd, but telling choice by him.

Friendships shouldn’t impinge upon the emotional connection a person has with his or her partner. And if your boyfriend is leaning on his “friend” to provide him with this type of emotional connection, he must not be getting it from you. Or maybe he feels like he can be more himself and that’s why he likes hanging out with her? Whatever the case may be, we feel his behavior and this relationship is inappropriate while he’s in a relationship with you.

So now you have to figure out what you’re going to do. The first question you need to ask is, “Will you be able to truly trust him again?”

If the answer is no, then you have your answer. Time to move on.

If the answer is yes, then you have to ask yourself some other questions.

“Am I okay with him being friends with this woman or any other woman?”

“Am I willing to have a serious talk with him to talk about boundaries?”

“Am I willing to voice my feelings before any situation escalates out of control?”

“Am I truly happy, or am I settling for a guy and a situation I’m not completely comfortable with?”

“Why am I allowing this guy to behave however he wants?”

We don’t like to actually tell you what to do, but you have every right to feel concerned, suspicious and upset. The fact that he didn’t want to show you the pictures should tell you something. And he shouldn’t be sleeping with or cuddling with anyone else. Of course you probably shouldn’t have looked at the pictures without his permission, but that’s moot now. The bottom line is, he behaved inappropriately and frankly we wouldn’t be comfortable in this type of relationship. He’s certainly proven himself to be untrustworthy, and is clearly not telling you the whole story.

So yes it’s possible he’s into this girl, but if it’s not her it could be someone else. The biggest issue is his behavior in a committed relationship. Clearly he doesn’t view your relationship as seriously as you do.

Good luck sorting this out. And please check back and read the comments for more opinions. And believe us, you’ll get some!

THE GUYS

Am I being played?

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Guys,

I have a question about whether or not I’m being played by this girl that I adore. We have been off and on for quite a few months now and I’ve been struggling, trying to figure out if this girl loves me like she says she does. We dated about two months, but I broke it off with her because I didn’t trust her. Now we’ve been apart for about three months, but we’re thinking of getting back together. I’m not sure if this is the best thing. When I see her she acts like I’m the most important thing in her life, but other times she acts like I don’t matter. I try to please her, but I get the same actions and words. I am the one who has to call her. She often ditches me on days when I was supposed to see her. And I know she sometimes ignores my phone calls. I’m wondering if I should just give up and make a drastic change. Maybe you can help me figure out what’s going on.
Rob (17)

Dear Rob,

Thanks for writing and reading.

It’s clear to us that you really care for this girl and would love to figure out how to make this work. Obviously you wouldn’t still be hanging out with her if that weren’t the case. However, as much as you might be ready to be in a committed relationship, she might not be.

We’d like to present you with several scenarios of what might be going on. We can only help you see the big picture, but in the end you’ll have to make the call.

ONE: Your ex might be hurt because you broke up with her and not sure if she wants to be hurt all over again. This could cause here to act erratically. She’s protecting herself by mixing things up and throwing you off balance. This would explain why one minute she treats you like the love of her life and the next like a nobody. However, you mentioned that some of these behaviors were happening while you were dating, which makes us wonder.

TWO: She is young. Most seventeen year olds aren’t quite ready to be in a committed relationship. She wants to experience life, do some taste testing, and kind of go where the wind blows. Her frame of mind is probably closer to a “typical” seventeen year old, whereas you seem more stable and ready to commit, which makes you the exception. If you think this is the case and you really want to be with her, then you’ll just have to be patient and deal with her behavior. However, this could honestly take years. You might not even care by then.

THREE: She’s just not the right girl for you. You care for her deeply, you think she’s smart, cute/hot, funny, whatever, but she doesn’t feel the same way. She certainly likes you, but she also likes to do what she wants to do, which makes you feel uncomfortable. Ask yourself why did you break up with her in the first place? And has anything really changed with her? Or for that matter with you? Are you two really a good fit?

So think about these scenarios and see if one resonates more than the others.  And then ask yourself, “What do I really want from a relationship?” And once you visualize that, ask yourself if your ex really fits the bill.

Another thing to consider is, maybe it’s too soon for you to be in a committed relationship. It’s okay to experiment a bit. Look around. The world is a big place. You might surprise yourself and find someone who’s unexpectedly wonderful. Or maybe you could just be happy hanging with your friends and doing your own thing for a while.

After having said all of this, our initial reaction is, YES, you’re getting played. But you’re allowing it. You’re responsible for your own happiness, which means making good choices about the people you surround yourself with.

The biggest piece of advice we can give you is, trust your gut.

Yours,

THE GUYS

Ten Questions to ask yourself before saying: "I Do."

Since we are all conspiracy theorists at heart, we feel it’s only
fair to share some important information we’ve gathered along the way. Of course what we seek may be different than what you seek, but this information could  help to you find your own Holy Grail.

Since everyone loves lists, here is our list of “The ten things you should ask yourself before saying those two most sacred words: I will!”

And for our male readers. Please feel free to add to the list. We’re not a secret society here!

Away we GO!!!

1.
Does your man only say “I love you” when he’s aroused or about to enter the sacred chalice? If so, you may have a guy who is constantly searching.

2. Does your man say yes to everything you ask?
We’re not talking about normal compromise and the give and take that works in a healthy relationship, we’re talking a “YES MAN.” If so, you may think you hit the jackpot, but instead you’ve landed in a holding pattern around Boredom Airport.”

3. Is your man ambitious?
Let’s define this more clearly because as you know ambition can be a very good thing. But does he put his ambition first? Or his career first? Always saying, “As soon as I get this things will be good.” Sure you’ll be adorned with lots of presents, but he may never be present.
And that’s literal and figurative. You figure that out.

4. How
long does your man stand in front of the mirror? For men and women this
is a very different beast all together. We’re not opposed to careful grooming, but a man who constantly scrutinizes his own image, may be a bit too caught up in body image entirely. If so, good luck living up to that one.

5. How laid back is your man? There’s a fine line between, “It’s all Good!” and “I don’t give a shit.”

6.
Does your man try to hide the fact that he thinks other women are hot?
This is called the secret life of GUYS. Openly flaunting attraction to another women is NOT COOL!! But pretending he’s not attracted to anyone else in the entire world is absurd!

7. How jealous is your man? Some jealousy is a good thing, especially early on in a relationship. It can show that your man cares about you. But as you get more serious, or approach matrimony, the types of insecurities that lead to stalking or worse should be quieted. Sure, men are protective of their mates. That is part of us. But be aware of how this plays out. Any form of phone, email, text tampering pretty much means, RUN AWAY! And yes, we’re serious. Someone that insecure is trouble. Open communication early on will help immensely in this arena.

8. What does your man do for a living and
are you happy being poor? We’re kind of joking here. We actually hope the answer is yes. Meaning, we’d like to think you love us for who we are. But we also know that sentiment gets old fast. Modern life is expensive. Family life is expensive. And that longing in your eyes as you watch your man perform at that dive bar down the street is going to disappear if there’s not enough money to get diapers. Be honest with yourself. And most importantly, hope that your GUY loves being Mr. Mom.
Someone’s gotta wear the pants in the family.

9. Is your GUY
comfortable with you having friends? And we don’t just mean ex-boyfriends or other GUYS. We mean anyone. Any Guy with some testosterone coursing through his veins will be a little jealous(there’s that word again) if you hang out with your ex. That subject alone might take up a whole other post. But some GUYS just don’t want you to have a life outside of them. So ask yourself if you’re OK, being sucked into his world. For some it works and for others it
doesn’t.

10. We saved this one until the end because it’s the juiciest one of all.
We’ve developed a ratings system to help with confusion upon entering a life altering decision.
We call it, “First pick or second two.” This was a basic rule we used as kids upon deciding teams for any pick up sport. Sometimes simplicity is the most effective means to solving a problem….or for that matter anything. Here’s how it works. When picking teams the “captains” could either get first pick or the next two picks. This made the rest of the picks crucial, because it eliminated the obvious choices, and turned the rest of the picks into the winning or losing team. So here’s how it applies to our list.

Since we’re speaking in terms of TEN, let’s say you have ten important criteria when picking a mate. Without a doubt, you should get your first pick or your second two. Without one or the other, the rest of the picks don’t matter. But then after that, the rest of the picks (criteria) could turn to gravy, or unfortunately, artificial sweetener. And that’s where the fun and mystery lie.

So our questions is: Are you getting your “First pick or second two?”

If so, great! Time to move forward from “I will” to “I DO!” And have fun discovering the hidden gems of the next picks.

THE GUYS

We hope this post was somewhat helpful. Please leave your comments. We love hearing from you!!!