The Guy’s Perspective

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Hi Guys!

First of all I’m 23 and my guy is 22. Let’s call him Alex. We met about 4-5 months ago. We have kissed, held hands, cuddled, etc. (No sex yet, though he really wants to do it.) I like him but his actions are somehow confusing.

Alex is usually nicer and more attentive over texts and/or Facebook messages. He texts me at least once per day—random stuff and at random times—and that’s the only time when we have conversations about our relationship.

I already said that he really, really wants to do ‘it’, but I’m not ready.  I had a horrible experience with my last boyfriend and I haven’t dated or tried to be in a relationship with anyone since then. (More than 4 years now). However, Alex  said that he is willing to wait until the time comes, which I find really sweet of him! He doesn’t know and never asked for the details of what happened between me and my last boyfriend either.

The problem I face sometimes is that when we are together he is usually the one talking and it is almost all the time about him. I barely say anything and when I do I don’t feel like he is actually that interested. He interrupts and says things completely off topic. He rarely asks about my life. I’m learning a lot about him, but he’s not learning much about me.

On occasion he mentions his previous girlfriends. He also talks about his really beautiful friends and/or the kind of women he finds attractive. (At really random times which doesn’t bother me as much, as in I don’t get angry, but it does worry me a bit.) And the other thing is, I don’t really know what are we. I would like to call us a couple, but so far he hasn’t introduced me as ‘his girlfriend’ and I have even met his father. (Which he did not introduce to me, but we talked anyways.) During the first time we tried to be more intimate I did ask him if he was serious and he said yes with no pauses, no signs of frustration, just a calm attitude. He also told me why he liked me. (I am his friend and also a pretty gal.)

Do I have any reason to worry? Or am I just being needy/jealous/ partially paranoid due to my past experiences?  I know my own fears might be part of the problem, but I do like him and overall when we are together—even if we are just watching a movie—I am quite happy. But I want us to be closer in a more emotional/mental way as well as the physical.

Thank you very much for the help and I apologize in advance for the trouble.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question. This is no trouble at all. That’s what we’re here for.

We can understand why you’re feeling a bit unsure. We’ll try to address each of your concerns one at a time.

1. His interest in you

Sometimes young guys are clueless when it comes to asking questions and engaging in an actual conversation. They can get so wrapped up in their own world that they forget that they’re not necessarily the most fascinating creatures on the planet. We’re sure you don’t find everything he says to be that interesting, and you probably don’t care about half the topics, but you do care about him enough to try to listen and support him when he’s telling you about his life and his interests. This might come naturally to you, but clearly it doesn’t come naturally to him. So you need to gently interject things about you, and steer the topic toward some of the things you want to talk about. If he starts losing attention, or starts to digress or go off-topic,  you need to point this out to him nicely. He probably has no idea he’s doing this. (At least we hope he has no idea.)

2. Sex

There are two relationship stages for guys. Before sex, and after sex. The before sex stage is the fantasy stage. The hunt. A guy will sometimes be extra nice and extra attentive in this stage; not because he’s being manipulative—although that’s possible—but because his hormones are raging out of control. Picture a balloon that’s been blown up until it can’t hold any more air; and then picture it as it’s released into the air. This is how a guy feels when he’s pursuing a woman he’s interested in. This stage could also account for why your guy is nicer to you via text rather than in person. Texting and Facebook messaging fall into the fantasy realm believe it or not. It’s all about being more interested in the chase rather than the actual prize.

After a guy finally manages to have sex with the woman he is pursuing, the haze lifts from his mind and he can finally see clearly for the first time. This is when many women write to us and wonder what happened. They say, “Everything was wonderful until we spent the weekend together. The sex was great, but now he’s distant and he hardly texts me, and he takes forever to get back to me.”

It’s at this stage where a guy will assess and try to understand why he’s feeling differently all of a sudden. Some guys are intuitive enough to understand what’s happening, but many guys—especially younger guys—are so confused that they bail. We can’t say where your guy fits in this equation, but certainly you’ll know much more about his state of mind if/when you have sex.

(However, we are in NO WAY suggesting that you do anything you’re not completely comfortable with. We’re just explaining what’s likely going on for him. No woman, or man for that matter, should have sex with anyone unless they feel it’s the right thing for them.)

3. What are you? A couple?

This is important to figure out before you proceed with your “relationship.” If he’s not introducing you to people as his girlfriend he likely doesn’t see you that way. And this is our biggest concern. Guys generally want to tell EVERYONE about their amazing new girl. Sure, not every guy is like that, but certainly if this guy was serious about you he’d want to let his friends and family know. But to be fair, maybe he’s unsure about where you stand? Have you talked about this at all?

The thing is Sara, without actually talking about this stuff you’re not really going to know where you stand. And maybe this is okay with you for right now, since you’re a bit unsure about him anyway.

4. Our Advice

We suggest you start with trying to get more dialogue and two-way conversations going with him. If he’s receptive to that, maybe he’ll then be receptive to discussing what is actually going on with the two of you. And after that, then you can decide if you want to proceed forward with other aspects of your relationship. (Physical intimacy, etc.)

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

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This guy’s actions are confusing

Guys,

I dated this guy for about two years and it ended badly. We’ve always tried to rekindle the flame by hanging out or just simply messing around. One day recently, he came over before I left for a family vacation. We, ya know, messed around and made up for the two weeks of loving we’re going to miss out while I’m home. Turns out, he was lying in my bed, texting my sister and basically flirting with her. He said things such as, “You should come party with me sometime.” He sent her ; -) faces and saying things along the lines of, “If you weren’t Amie’s sister.” Not to mention, this is the SECOND time it has happened.

I cried and cried because here I am, trying to love this guy again and he flirts with my sister while she’s in the next room. Now he’s trying to get back with me. My sister is beyond furious because he did that to me.

What should I do?

Amie

Dear Amie,

Thanks for your question.

It’s pretty disrespectful of him to flirt with your sister, especially while in your bed. (That’s an understatement) We know you care for this guy but do you really think you can trust him? Hasn’t he done this twice now? How can you establish any type of committed relationship with a guy who behaves like this? And it’s not like he’s going to change. We don’t like to tell people what to do, but we think you’re headed down a very difficult road if you continue to hang out with this guy.

Also: Why does he have your sister’s phone number? She sounds innocent here, but you two need to have a conversation and form a united front.

Last thing: Trying to rekindle a relationship is fine, but doing it by “messing around” probably isn’t the best idea. Many guys would view that as a “Friends with Benefits” situation and not feel any other incentive for getting back into a relationship with you. In the future, it’s best to “take it slow” when trying to get back together with someone, or even when you meet a new person. It’s important to get to know the person beyond the bedroom.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Hey Guys,

So there is this guy I’ve known for about 7 years and we’re both going to be juniors in high school. I’ve felt for a long time that he liked me, because he’d always be around and be mean to me and stuff,(I don’t know what that means), but we have nothing in common. We just kinda got put together as friends. This past year we would fight a lot and he would always make sure that we were still friends. Most of the fights were on Facebook chat. I would always tell him about the guys I liked and ask for advice, partially to let him know that I didn’t like him. This year he had a girlfriend for a few months, but still flirted heavily with me. Then after they broke up and a few days after I was rejected, he told me he wanted to kiss me. So we got together that night and just kissed. I told him I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but we did anyway. After that it was normal until we hung out again and kissed more. Now I think that I like him, but whenever we talk we get each other mad, because we know how to push each other’s buttons. I realize now that I really like him, but it’s summer and he has a girlfriend. We haven’t seen each other, only emailed twice. First I started then he started and both times ended in a fight. I’m just frustrated because I still feel like he likes me. He’s said he doesn’t like me, but at the same time he does, and that he is confused. Now I am too. Please help. Does he like me? I’ve felt something between us for a long time.

Anya

Dear Anya,

Thanks for writing. We’re a bit confused too!

So let’s get this straight. You are friends with this guy, but you kind of like each other too. You’re both not sure what you want. You’ve kissed. Now you realize you like him. He says he likes you but has a girlfriend. You fight a lot.

That sums it up, right?

We’re sorry you’re having a hard time Anya. It’s painful to finally decide you like someone and then have them reject you, at least partially.

He sounds like he’s confused and maybe not sure what he wants. Most 17 year old guys-we’re assuming that’s about how he is-change their minds from week to week, or even day to day. He probably does like you, but he wants to date other people too. He probably values your friendship, but it’s not enough for him to stop some of the other things that he enjoys. It’s the nature of the beast Anya.

The best thing you can do is make it clear that you like him, but don’t pressure or hound him. (And not on Facebook!) He’s going to have to come around on his own. He’ll appreciate you more if he realizes how great you are without you having to tell him.

So the good news is, yes, he probably does like you. But the bad news is, there’s not much you can do, but sit back and watch. You could be his friend while he’s dating other people, but is that what you want? Do you want to be someone he confides in about other girls? We doubt it.

We’re hoping he comes around. But if not, don’t fret. We’re sure there are more cool guys in your school. And once you start dating someone else, this guy will want you back. Yes, the game playing has already begun unfortunately. And guys like a little cat and mouse; as long as they get to catch the mouse occasionally.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. It might be a good idea to conduct your personal affairs away from Facebook or any other social networking site. That’s just trouble waiting to happen. We see it time and time again.

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