The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Ep43: “Rewind” Super-Sized Hamster Fun. Endings, Excess & Envy

TGP Episode 43: “Rewind”

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The Guys are off this week chasing a little end of the summer fun.  So we are rolling out a “Guy’s Perspective Certified Pre-owned Episode”.  This beauty has passed our rigorous 142 point inspection and is guaranteed to satisfy.  In fact this is our most downloaded episode ever!
Episode 4.  Endings, Excess and Envy!

The show in a nutshell:

Ask the Guys: Is it cool to stay close with your ex’s family? The Guys debate that very question.

Father Stories: Sai is held accountable. It seems that all young men have a story similar to this one.

Pet Peeves: Cucch talks about the insidious nature of the letter “W.” Sai spouts off about 110%.
The Meat: Is more better? What is up with our super-sized society?

Youth is Wasted on the Young: Cucch dreams about McDonald’s play places. Sai discusses his love of “Pong.”

Maybe more is better!?

Leave a comment, kick in a few bucks on our paypal link or leave a big five star rating and comment on iTunes.  As always thanks so much for your support!  We’ll be back with a new episode in two weeks.

My marine just decided to call it quits; is there still hope?

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed. And relationship videos coming soon.

Thanks so much.

Also: for smart writing, interesting topics, and a great community of bloggers, check out our friend Judie at:

http://rogueartistsspeak.blogspot.com

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Am I misinterpreting my friend?

This guy at my school

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Hear the interview with Actor Charles Shaughnessy. You might know him from the sitcom “The Nanny.”

The Guy’s Perspective Ep. 38: Actor Charles Shaughnessy interview, 12 items or less, contests

Dear Guys,

So I fell hard for this genuine Christian guy who is going into the marines next year. We both got into the relationship knowing that he would be leaving in January.

He chased after me, and it was different from my last relationhips because he worked hard to keep me. He was overall a good guy, but never had been in a relationship before so this was all new to him. Well, all in all, we complimented eachother well, and fell hard. I thought that his parents liked me to until he randomly (outta nowhere) he broke it off.

Now he is almost 20 years old, lives in a wealthy neighborhood, and his parents are a huge influence in his life. And when he said it was over, he kept mumbling about his parents and pastor telling him stuff wasn’t okay. But when I straight up asked him if this was what he wanted he looked torn and wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I was so blown away, and I didn’t see this coming. What ended up happening was his mom actually told me she thought I was a liar and bad influence on him. She was dragging out dumb stuff that wasn’t a big deal but making it sound like it was. All in all I got hurt by him and his mom, and he hasn’t talked to me since. It’s been about 3 weeks.

My question is do you think he’ll ever come around, or should i just let it go and completely forget him forever? I just need insight I guess.

Phoenix

Dear Phoenix,

Thanks for writing to us. This type of question seems to be coming up a lot lately.

Parents are supposed to guide their children not control them. But since many of us(THE GUYS) are parents ourselves, we understand how fine a balance this can be. When parents try to control their kids it often stems from some kind of fear. It sounds like that’s the case here. His mother is scared you’ll derail her son from the path she has so carefully laid out for him. But eventually he needs to start making his own decisions, otherwise he’s going to have a hard time forging his own relationships.

The problem you have here Phoenix has less to do with his mother and more to do with your boyfriend. We don’t know if it’s his religious background or his desire to please his parents, but if he’s not willing to stand up to them for you, he might not be worth hanging around for.

Freud understood how strong a bond mothers and sons have. And you can learn a lot about a guy by his relationship with his mother. (Not always 100% accurate, but a good indicator.) But the relationship becomes unhealthy when a son becomes a “mama’s boy” and never breaks free from her influence, even as an adult. When guys continue to heed their mother’s word above their current girlfriend or god forbid, their wife, that’s when it becomes a huge problem.

We understand this boy is young. Twenty is not that old in the grand scheme of male maturation, but it’s old enough for him to start thinking for himself.

So we’ll answer your question with a question. If he’s not willing to stand up for your relationship, is he someone you want to wait around for?

Hope this gives you the insight you were looking for. Leave us a follow up comment, and keep us abreast of the situation.

THE GUYS

ps. Spread the word. Tell your friends on Facebook. Subscribe to our podcast and/or blog. Videos coming soon. Thanks!

A confused girl; the prom

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

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Dear Guys,

Before I start my explanation I just want to say I’m sorry for how long this might end up being but I feel you must know certain things to understand everything. In other words this is going to be one hell of an explanation.

So there’s this guy that I’m friends with. I’ve known him for 5 years and I’ve liked him for a while now. I think it was a year or two ago he had said that he didn’t like me the way I liked him. I told him.(Which I feel like I shouldn’t have). We’re still close friends and we hang out and we can pretty much tell each other stuff. He also acts very differently with me than the other girls. My friends think he’s a flirt and a jerk but they don’t really know him like I do.

Just last summer when we were hanging out and we were dared to kiss—well actually make out. At first he didn’t want to because I could tell he felt a little awkward. However in the end we did kiss and not just once but twice—both a dare and the second time longer than the first. And after our make out session he had told me that he was “wooded.” (In other words, he was turned on but he said he didn’t know why for it doesn’t always happen.)

Also, about a month ago I was going to ask him to prom. In our conversation before I asked him he said he didn’t want to go. That’s when I said well I would’ve gone with you just as friends if you wanted. I then found out later from him that he had decided to go to prom so I was going to ask him by actually asking the question but we got interrupted. So instead I decided to use my drawing talent and draw his favorite football player catching a ball in the endzone with “prom” in the football. I guess I waited too long to ask because when I asked him he said “sorry but I already have a date.” But he still wanted to keep the picture. (I heard that he said it was special to him.)

Before prom I took a picture with him in which he held me tightly around the waist. After the picture, he did seem to let go of me slowly and when he let go completely our hands brushed. He then put his fingers slightly in between my own to interlock them slightly. I was surprised by his unexpected touch and as I responded the girl who asked him to prom called him over and that ended. Then at prom I’d be dancing with my friends then he’d appear somewhere near me. No matter where I went he was always there. I did dance with him once, in which we were very close to each other. But that as well was interrupted by his date who was calling him over to take a group picture that she was paying for. When she called him he seemed to not hear her though she wasn’t far and everyone could hear her. Then when he did hear her he was unsure/confused on what to do, for he hesitated in letting my waist go, and he let go slowly saying “sorry”. We didn’t dance again after that for he didn’t want to be disrespectful to his date.

What I’m confused about is well everything he has done. He says he doesn’t like me but we kissed; he didn’t have to but did and seemed to enjoy it because apparently that doesn’t always happen. And what was that before and at prom? Was that hand thing an accident and I’m just thinking too much? Why did he let me go slowly twice? And why was he always dancing with his date somewhere next to me? What the hell do I do?! I’m soo confused. Does he like me or not? Help me please!

Sincerely,
Carly, A very confused 18 yr old girl

P.S. Again I’m so sorry this is ridiculously long and detailed.

 

Dear Carly,

Thanks for your question. We don’t mind long and detailed at all. It gives us more information to formulate an opinion.

Your guy sounds as confused as you are, but a lot of it is his age. Teenage guys are especially “all over the place.” His hormones are going nuts; he’s surrounded by cute girls; he and his friends are competing; and he’s trying to keep it all together and look cool. And it isn’t possible.

Yes, you’re getting mixed signals, but we think you have to listen to what he’s saying. We understand the two of you had a moment, and it’s obvious he enjoyed himself, but that doesn’t mean he wants anything more than that, especially since he said he didn’t. “Getting wood” as you say, could happen just as easily while walking down the hallway at school, as it can making out with a girl. We’re not saying he wasn’t turned on by your “session” but just that the two things—physical contact and emotional bonds—are not necessarily linked for teenage guys. (Or for any guy for that matter.)

It also seems to us that if he was really into you the way you’re hoping, he would have asked YOU to the prom, instead of keeping his options open and then going with the first person who asked him. And that would explain why he might have been flirting with you at the dance. It’s likely he wasn’t way into his date. She asked, and he accepted. Simple as that. So he was letting you know that even though he was at the dance with her, he was not “taken.”

But Carly, just because he’s still available doesn’t mean he’s waiting for you, or that you’ll be happy if you ended up with him. We think he has some growing up to do. If it doesn’t bother you too much, why don’t you stay friends with him and just see what happens? Maybe in a few years he’ll mature and realize what a wonderful catch you are. But our gut tells us if something happens now, which it certainly could, it will be short lived and you’ll be more confused, and possibly resentful and hurt when it ends.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up comment, either with new information, another question related to this, or your thoughts.

Here’s another post you might find interesting. Check it out.

Do looks matter?

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. One comment you said struck a funny chord with us: you said he didn’t always get “wood” when he made out. Is it possible he’s gay? We’re just wondering. That might explain some of the other inconsistencies as well. Of course we’re just sayin’. It crossed our mind so we figured we’d throw it our there.

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Prom

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Last week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

How to start a long distance relationship?

Is this boy playing me?

He’s back, but is he into me?

This week’s questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

So, I just had prom. I was standing by myself and a boy that I know came up to me randomly to talk to me. He wasn’t my date or anything. When he was talking to me, it seemed like he wanted to ask me a question, but didn’t talk very much. He just came off the dance floor and was taking a break. I wanted to ask him if he wanted to dance, but I thought that would be awkward. Help please?

(We asked her to elaborate a bit.)

Yeah…mainly if he’s interested and how to follow up. And what should I do if it happens again. The convo ended on an awkward note before he left. I really wasn’t paying attention to him because I was finding my friend. But I like this person too, if that helps. Thank you! :)

Allyson

Dear Allyson,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’re assuming both you and this boy didn’t have formal dates. Which means both of you are single.

So how do you know this boy? Do you have classes together?

If he’s really interested, and not too shy-which we assume he isn’t because he approached you-then he’s probably trying to figure out a way to run into you so he can talk to you. Is there a way you can make this easier for him? Do you know his schedule, or does he play sports that you could go see, etc?

However, if he got the vibe that you weren’t interested since the conversation ended awkwardly then he might have already given up. If that’s the case you need to take the initiative. You could do this with the help of your friends, or you could figure out how to run into him and go from there. What about the cafeteria? We know that kids claim their territory and any kind of deviation in table seating can cause problems, but is it possible for you and some friends to eat next to his table? It might make it easier to have a follow up conversation. Or is there a local place that people go to? Find out where he hangs out and show up with some friends.

In the future, if you’re really interested in a guy, do everything you can to NOT make it awkward. Teenage guys are very insecure, even the guys who pretend they aren’t by strutting their stuff. It’s really hard for young guys to approach a girl because they aren’t used to being rejected like older guys, and also because young people in general will do anything they can to not look foolish in front of their friends. Guys are notorious for making fun of each other, and getting “dogged” by a girl is prime fodder. So understand when a guy comes to talk with you he’s taking a big chance, even if it doesn’t seem like it. So if you are interested make it easy on him. If you’re not, then the more awkward the better.

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Feel free to join in the discussion and follow up with us. Leave us a comment. And let your friends know they can ask us any question any time. We know Prom season is ripe for confusion.

 

High School Dating: Am I hot or not??

Please leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page if you have a question about relationships, guys, or gals. We will give you an honest and thoughtful opinion, but of course we can’t guarantee results. That’s up to you.

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Next Up:

Four years and counting

Did he care at all?

Break up confusion

Dear Guys,

There’s this guy I’m friends with and before we met he always told his friend how hot I was. Well after we met for the first time he told his friend he liked my personality. So we started texting and had really good conversations. Then we hung out twice in a group, and after that he stopped texting. It’s like he didn’t care. My question is, how can a guy say stuff like that and talk to you until like 1:30am but then all of a sudden just stop?

I’m 17 and so is he. We go to the same school but never see each other there.

The only time that he’s kinda asked me out was last week. We were texting and he asked when I was leaving for spring break and I told him not until sometime during the week and he said “Gotcha. Sooo we are all gonna chill this weekend then?” And I said yeah we could go to the movies and he was cool with that, but we ended up not being able to go. The “all” in the message is in reference to his best friend and his girlfriend who happens to be my best friend; that’s how we met.

I’m black and he’s white; I don’t know if that makes a difference or not. It’s not an issue with either of us or our friends cause they’re interracial too. He also said that he respected that I am still a virgin and he said he hates guys that try to pressure girls into sex so I don’t think that’s his main goal. But, I also have had experiences with guys saying that and they turn out to be complete douches so I do have my guard up kinda.

One more thing, my friend said that she was reading her boyfriend’s chat message and the guy I’m into was supposedly hooking up with some girl, which didn’t really bother me because it’s not like we were dating, but I mean it still didn’t sit well with me…

Thanks so much for helping :)

Asia

Dear Asia,

Thanks for writing to us. Let’s try and sort this out.

This guy is fishing. He’s trying to figure out what his best play is. We’re not completely comfortable with his approach.

First of all, we don’t like to hear that this guy is hooking up with another girl. That’s a red flag in our eyes. On the one hand he says he respects you for being a virgin. But on the other hand he’s trying to get some action from some other girl while he’s pursuing you? What does this say to you? To us it says that his actions speak a little louder than his words.

We will cut him some slack since this is not atypical of a 17 yr. old guy, but really he should just come right out and ask you out instead of being passive and putting the onus on you.

For example. He should say:

“Would you like to go to the movies with me?”

Instead of:

“Are we gonna chill this weekend?”

The first example is active. He’s actively pursuing you. The second is passive. He’s trying to elicit some sort of response from you and get you to be the initiator. And you did just that by suggesting the movies.

Asia, it might feel good to take control, but in the end it’s going to backfire on you. No matter if you’re 17 or 35 or 55, let the man pursue you, at least at the beginning. That doesn’t mean you should play hard to get or play games, it just means, don’t make it easy for him by taking the reins.

So here’s what we think. Just see how this plays out, but let him pursue you. And if you hear about him hooking up with other girls, it might be time to check out some other possibilities yourself.

Best to you,

THE GUYS

Relationship Advice: What’s his problem? (Mixed Signals)

For relationship questions, leave us a note here, or call us at: 347-855-GUYS. If you call, we’ll likely play your question on our podcast: The Guy’s Perspective Podcast on itunes, where we also answer relationship questions. Please subscribe.

Also check out Monday’s question: Long Distance Relationship: Am I doing the right thing?

Also check out yesterday’s question: My old flame: I’d like to try again.

Check out our whole archive of questions. You may find one that will help you figure out your situation. Scroll down.

Dear Guys,

Okay, so I used to crazy for this guy Matt. He was my neighbor and we used to be friends.  We would talk and blah blah blah all that kinda stuff.  I was 17 and he was 23.  One time I asked him to hang out with me and he said okay.  He was going to help me study for an exam and I said I’d call him later.  I did and he didn’t pick up the phone or ever called me back.  Then the next week he moved and we never spoke again.   That was the end of October.

Now I’m 18, and he texted me yesterday asking me how I was. At first I didn’t know it was him because I deleted his number after he didn’t call me back. And I figured it out without asking him but I decided to ask who it was anyway because I felt like being mean.  He told me it was him and I didn’t text back. So now  he’s all like, “So you dont want to talk to me huh?” And I’m like WTF, I talked to you when you still lived here.  Then, he texts me at 10pm the other night wanting to hang out and I was like okay but I’m not driving to your house 30 minutes away. You can come to mine and then he was like oh nevermind I’ll call you tomorrow and he never did.

What is his deal? Is he into me or not?

Courtney

Dear Courtney,

Thanks for writing to us.

We have one question for you: Why in the world would you agree to hang out with him when he texted you at 10pm!!??? Please say you won’t do that again. That’s not a path you want to with guys.

So to your question: He’s into you, but only when it’s convenient for him. It’s time to move on and meet some new guys, preferably closer to your own age.

Here are a few things to think about. Please relay these to your friends as well.

1. If a guy only texts or calls the evening he wants to see you, he only wants one thing from you-sex. Bad news.

2. A six year age difference at 17 is huge, especially if the girl is younger. When you’re in your twenties it’s not that big of a deal, and when you’re even older  it doesn’t matter at all. But for now, stick to guys closer to your age. Girls, you gotta ask yourself, why is this guy not going out with girls/women his own age? Answer: Because they’re not interested in him. Hmm……

3. Boys, guys, men-should ask you out on proper dates, not just to hang out at their apartments or cars late at night.

4. Don’t settle. Be true to yourself and find someone who respects you, and loves you, not just someone who wants to have sex with you.

Good luck Courtney.

THE GUYS

For more thoughtful conversation on guys, or to participate in our weekly poll, check out: The Guys’ Network

Long distance relationship: Am I doing the right thing?

Read Monday’s question/answer: My old flame: I’d like to try again

And for other insights about guys, check out our network home page.

The Guy’s Network

Now for our most recent question:

Dear Guys,
I’m currently a junior in a VA high school. I met this guy my freshman year- his junior year-and we kind of started liking each other, and we started talking on the phone pretty much every night. By the end of the year he ended up moving to DC/MD with his  dad(non-optional). We lost contact that whole summer and then regained it by the next school year. He ended up graduating in DC/MD and I now have one year left of high school to go; we still talk every night and talk on ooVoo every once in a while. Most of my friends keep asking me why I still talk to him because they don’t like the idea of a long distance relationship. I understand what they mean but I don’t know if I should be waiting or not, also considering the fact that we have YET to see each other since he left.
I know that he is trying to buy a car because he told me “Once I get my car I’m going to see you every, if not, every other weekend because I really want you to be my girlfriend, but I couldn’t handle seeing you only once or twice a month.” I think that is sweet and all and I really do want to be with him, but I don’t want to say yes to him and then find out that we can’t really see each other as much as we want. I feel this way because I’ve known him for 2 1/2 years and he’s been gone for going on 2 years but for some reason we just can’t find a way to successfully see each other…. Am I doing the right thing by waiting around for him?

Teresa

Dear Teresa,

Thanks for writing to us. We really like how much thought you’ve put into your question.

It’s obvious you have a solid connection with this guy. He likes you and you like him. Don’t undervalue that. Yes, long distance relationships are not ideal, but sometimes life happens and we find ourselves in these situations. It sounds like you’re both handling the situation rather maturely.

However, even though you sound mature for a seventeen year old, you are kind of young to be committing to a long distance relationship. We’re not saying that’s a deal breaker because every person is different, but typically someone your age wouldn’t wait around.

Here’s our advice. Keep the lines of communication open with this guy, you never know where it might lead if it doesn’t work out right now. But don’t stop going out and having fun with your friends. We also think you should keep your options open with other guys who go to the same school as you do, or who live closer. We know this could be difficult since you have such a strong emotional connection with your long distance guy, but you really do need to keep exploring while this other situation sorts itself out-if indeed it does at all.

Please let us know if you other questions about this. Just post them in the comments section on this post. And let us know what you decide to do.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Readers: If you have any relationship questions, or general questions about guys/men/boys, give us a call at: 347-855-GUYS, or leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll either post your letter, or answer it on our podcast. Check it out on itunes, or on the home page of this site. .

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We try to answer all the questions, but due to the volume of questions it’s not always possible. But keep asking. Thanks.

The bell from hell

Written by Sai: Aka, “One of the Guys”

When my kids are sick I never quite feel right. It’s as if I have a furry woodland creature gnawing away at my stomach lining, trying to claw it’s way in. Somehow I’m able to function with this creature inside of me, but it throws off my equilibrium and my balance. And I get occasional stabs of pain.

My daughter’s been sick the last four days. She’s got a fever. She’s tired, listless, and unhappy. So my wife and I set her up on the couch in our room, so she can sleep, watch TV, and be with us at night. We like to be able to keep an eye on her.

But since we still have to attend to our other responsibilities-like her brothers-we gave her a small bell to ring when she needs us. This same bell we’ve also given to her brothers when they’ve been sick, and it seemed to work well. The boys would use it only when they needed something serious-like they were getting cold, or they were hungry, or lonely. My daughter, well that’s another story.

It all started off innocently enough. She’d ring it for some of the same reasons as the boys. But then she realized the power of the bell, and that’s when things got out of control.

“Daddy, my blanket fell on the floor.” (The couch is six inches above the floor)

“Daddy can you change the channel.” (She’s holding the remote and knows how to use it.)

“Mommy, can you bring me the computer?” (It’s on the bed next to the couch. She’s feeling better and totally capable of walking over to bed.)

“Daddy, what’s your favorite color?”

“Mommy, I want a dog.”

And it went on and on. Every time we’d sit and relax, or get started on a project that damn bell would ring. In fact my wife and I started hearing that bell, even when she wasn’t ringing it.

“Was that the bell?” my wife would say to me.

“No I think it was one of the boys blowing his nose.”

__________________

“I think I hear the bell,” I would say.

“Nope, that’s the dish washer,” my wife would retort.

___________________

And so it went.

And I got to wondering. My boys have had the same bell in their possession, but they’ve only used it when it was absolutely necessary. Actually, we had to push them to use it, otherwise they would have sat in bed and suffered. My boys actually felt threatened by that damn bell.

But not my daughter. Oh no. My daughter felt empowered by the bell. .

So I’ve been pondering what this all means, and how it might relate to the innate qualities of men and women.

Are we truly all hardwired from birth to take on the qualities of gender, passed on by generations before us?

Or is this an isolated incident, unique to my family and my kids?

My boys are like tiny men; you know the kind-they refuse to ask for directions when they’re lost. And my daughter is completely comfortable with the power bestowed on her, wielding it at every opportunity. It’s a funny thought to me, but one that might have some merit to it.

Either way, I’d like to take that bell and send it where it belongs-to the depth of Hades. But I am glad she’s starting to feel better. And she’s hard to say no to.

Gotta run. I hear that freakin’ bell now. Am I’m not kidding!!!!
“I’m coming honey!!”

What do you think?

TGP Episode 4: Endings, Excess and Envy

This week’s show in a nutshell:

Ask the Guys: Is it cool to stay close with your ex’s family? The Guys debate that very question.

Father Stories: Sai is held accountable. It seems that all young men have a story similar to this one.

Pet Peeves: Cucch talks about the insidious nature of the letter “W.” Sai spouts off about 110%.

The Meat: Is more better? What is up with our super-sized society?

Youth is Wasted on the Young: Cucch dreams about McDonald’s play places. Sai discusses his love of “Pong.”

Maybe more is better!?

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Hate crimes

Upon visiting one of our favorite blogs, AskCherlock, we read a piece entitled Hate Crimes, Women and the Internet.

Here is an excerpt from her piece. Please go to her blog to read the rest of the article, as well as other great articles on world events and politics. And leave her a comment.

“……hate crimes against women are increasing as we are perceived as soft targets. One must wonder what role the Internet plays in this. Perhaps the Internet has become a place where some socially isolated men (or women) find it easy to hide behind an avatar and spew venom or prey upon others due to some latent mental pathology.”

For those of you who don’t know the word misogyny, it means quite simply, “hatred of women” or “considering them less” or “despising them.”

The first thought that comes to mind, besides the shame of coincidentally being the same gender as some of these men, is sadness. What type of upbringing, or lack of upbringing, must a boy have had to turn into a man filled with this type of anger? Or maybe he just picked up subtle clues over a long period of time. Either way it starts with parents.

Arguments are part of relationships, but it’s how the arguments are conducted that impact children and teach them how to treat one another. If a child senses veiled threats, bullying, or witnesses abuse, he will make mental notes about how relationships work. And ultimately he will conduct himself in a similar manner if not worse.

However it’s not always so obvious. Sometimes it could be simply, a boy hears remarks about how woman look and act. Over time these remarks gain momentum and make it clear to the boys that women are in fact just objects. And it’s a lot easier to hate an object than it is a person.

Discussing origins is one thing, but intervening to stop these types of crimes is a whole different ball game. However, do we really have a choice? Cher discusses how the internet is playing a role in hate crimes. We can see how easy it is to start a blog or a forum, and throw out all sorts of venomous barbs with little or no consequences. For in many ways the internet is truly the wild frontier with its own laws and it’s own sense of justice. But we are not helpless to combat this type of thing. We must put on our sheriff’s hats  and rally together and speak up.

Hate crimes against anyone should never be tolerated!!

If we work together as a united front, it’s possible we can help stop a few tragedies from happening. Please do your part to spread the word.

THE GUYS

Screw PC!!

Over the summer I asked my daughter what she was looking forward to most about kindergarten and one of things she said was the bus ride. For my older boys the bus ride has represented a new found independence that has been exhilarating for them. My daughter could sense that as well. Her first taste of freedom. Ahh, so good!

For the most part the bus ride AND kindergarten have lived up to her expectations, but a few recent incidents have gotten my blood boiling.

One day a bunch of six grade boys got in trouble at school, which means they had to wait until all the kids boarded the bus, which also meant they ended up having to sit with the kindergartners in the front. That in itself was probably not the best idea, but for the majority of kids it would have been fine. However, apparently not for these six grade boys.

They started talking to my daughter and making jokes. She is pretty cute, but most kindergartners are. Anyway, one of the knuckleheads says, “So and so will give you a kiss if you give him a high five.” Now right there I’m alarmed. Luckily my daughter is pretty smart and tough, two brothers and all, and she says, “NO!”

Good for her. But bad for these boys. I call the principal the next day and have a meeting with him. Maybe this was all in fun, but I don’t care. I tell him in no uncertain terms that this should not be going on. He agrees. And he speaks to the boys and explains to them why that was not OK. He calls me and says he believes they just didn’t get it and now they understand. OK, I was a boy once and I know how clueless I was.(Hitting the girls I liked with snow balls in the head?!) So, I try to move on.

But NO! The very next day some boys in first and second grade starts teasing my daughter and yelling to the back of the boys that she kissed so and so. She’s saying in her little kindergarten voice, “It’s not true!” “It’s not true!”

Now I’m livid, but still trying to keep cool about it. This should not be happening! Generally I’m not one of these parents that makes a stink about every little incident. But when it comes to older boys and my five year old daughter, forget it!

I make another phone call to the same principal. He calls the other principal. (Two different schools ride this bus.) Another discussion ensues. Problem resolved. I hope.

But I’m still pissed off!! And I don’t trust completely that it’s over.

Let me fill in for one second. I believe that most problems are better resolved between kids, but this just feels different to me. As a parent we constantly have to critique every situation and ask ourselves, “Should we intervene?” In most cases the answer is no. Let the kids work things out for themselves. And in most cases, that’s what I do.

More back drop: I also have two boys who are a little older than my daughter and who ride the bus too. Now you’re probably wondering, what are her two older brothers doing while this is going on? Me too?!!

I pull my boys aside and ask them this very question. Although to be fair, they’re only in first grade and in third grade. And they’re just as clueless as the other boys.

They say, “Dad, we didn’t even know this was going on.”

They ride in the back of the bus having a grand time. They’re in their glory back there! But I say,”You need to look out for one other. That’s what brothers and sisters do.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve only gotten into one fight in my life and that was over in about five seconds. Stupid!  I don’t avoid conflict, I just avoid fights. I would never want to put my boys in harms way either. But a united front can go a long way in “solving” a problem. Most of the time, the threat is enough. So I pull my third grader aside and I say to him. “You have my permission to take care of the situation if negotiating doesn’t work.”

I know, I know. But dammit sometimes talking isn’t enough. I don’t want him to get in a fight. Absolutely not!  And do I want him to “use his words first?” Of course I do!! I expect it. And do I want him to seek adult help after he tries to resolve the problem. Absolutely!

But you know what, sometimes you just gotta say, “SCREW PC!”

The world of kids hasn’t changed that much in the last thirty years. It can be as cut throat  and nasty as the adult world, or worse. And sometimes a thinly veiled threat is what it might take for a little kindergarten girl to enjoy her first bus rides to school.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

ps. At this time there have been no threats reported on bus number 13!