What should I do about my ex? He won&#8217;t leave me alone.

Is cheating ex playing me?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again?

He cheated; and he had sex while we were broken up

Dear Guys,

I’ll try to make this short and sweet.

I’m in a 4-5 year long distant relationship with a guy who’s cheated on me 3 times—flirting, texting, sexting. He was also on dating web sites. Etc w/ other females. Every time I caught him, we would break up for a few months but somehow always get back together. The 4th time I caught him, I decided it was over! I couldn’t take it. We broke up for 6 months (May-Nov.) We started texting again a little in November-January but later found out he was also talking to someone else during that same time. I gave up and cut off all connections with him from that January-August of this year. In that time he never once tried to contact me until recently (2weeks ago) he sent flowers and multiple hand written notes about how sorry he was and how much he loves me and wants me back. He also claimed to be a changed man.

Seven days ago we started talking again via phone/text and I just had a burning question: Had he been sexual with another female?His reply was, yes. He told me it was only one time in October of last year. I feel hurt. If he really loved me, then why did he feel the need to be intimate with someone else knowing he want me back? I had plenty of opportunities to sleep around too, but I always denied the offers. Today he insists “that was the past” and that he wants a future with me. I want to be able to forgive and forget seeing we weren’t together. Now all day everyday I think of it and it just eats my heart out. The thought of him having sex with someone pisses me off and in return I get really angry at him. I hate that I dwell on it.

Am I over thinking this? How do I really move on? I really do love him. I just don’t know how much more heart ache I can take. I want to trust him more as well but I don’t know how :-/ HELP!

Anastasia

Dear Anastasia,

Thanks for your question. Pardon our skepticism, but the red-flags are flying high.

Him having sex with someone while you were broken up is the least of your worries. In fact, yes, you are overreacting. You weren’t together when he had sex with this other woman. (Although you can be sure that he had sex more than one time.) But even still, what he did while the two of you were broken up is not your concern. Maybe you’re upset because you passed up opportunities and he didn’t, but still, it’s unfair of you to expect him to behave the way you did. And yes, a guy can have sex with one woman even if he loves another. Guys are all about compartmentalizing.

However, what he did while the two of you were together is a whole other matter. We’re not sure why he’s had a sudden change of heart, but based on his previous behavior it’s probably because he’s lonely and/or horny. He may say he’s changed—and it’s possible—but changing this kind of behavior usually takes some serious work. Has he been seeing a therapist or some other professional? Has he processed his feelings with anyone besides himself? Has he been exploring why he feels the need to cheat when he’s in a relationship? (Believe us, you’re not the only one he’s cheated on.) What makes you think he’s really changed besides him saying it?

So the question Anastasia is, why do you want him back? Sure, he might have some great qualities, but if you can’t trust him, there’s not much of a relationship. Don’t settle. The person you ultimately end up with should be as committed to the relationship as you. Do you think this guy fits the bill? And do you really think you’ll be able to trust him again?

Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. Leave your questions and/or thoughts in the comments’ section below. And please share our site with friends. Share on Facebook, Twitter, or any other place you frequent. Thanks. We appreciate it.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Online Cheating

Hi Guys,

Ive been with my boyfriend for 18 months and recently we have started talking about moving in together.

I had been having a feeling that maybe something wasn’t right and a couple of weeks ago I checked his phone. In the sent messages there were messages to a “Kate” saying thank you for a good time, it would be great to meet up again. I confronted him about it. He said that he started to panic about us moving in together as his last break up was so difficult. He said he had to be 100% sure I was the one. He decided to go back on line to test his feelings and arranged one date that lasted an hour; he decided there and then that it wasn’t right and wouldn’t be doing it again. This also coincided with other good things happening between us that helped him make his decision. He said the messages he sent after were saying he couldn’t do the dates she had suggested but he never just said no and he doesn’t know why but he was sure he wasn’t going to meet up again.

The other issue I have is that he carried on talking to a number of people after he had made this decison not to “test” our relationship with another date just because he found it flattering and a bit of fun and he was going to cancel at the end of the month. He now says he knows the answers to his questions and he really does love me and wants to take the relationship forward. He also has been coming over more, making more time for me, calling and planning nice things for us to do together. He seems really sorry but I wondering if this story is believable?

Many thanks,

Claire

Dear Claire,

Thanks for your question. So what do you think? Let’s say his story is believable, do you forgive him? Do you trust him? Has he done other things in the past that make you wonder about his story? Will you be able to trust him in the future? These are the questions you need to be asking yourself.

His story could be believable. Or not. It’s hard to say. And it’s almost a moot point. What’s more relevant is that instead of talking to you about his fears and doubts—yes, that might have been a difficult conversation—he snuck around behind your back, joined a dating site, talked to a bunch of women, went on at least one date (that he’s admitted to) and has still kept up correspondence with other women since. And the kicker: You had to find out about it by yourself; he didn’t volunteer the information to you. The issue we see is not what he did, but how he went about doing it. So what happens in the future when something comes up between you?—some stressful event let’s say. Will he then feel the need to “check out” for a time and test the waters in some other way? Because the red-flag here is how he chose to deal with his doubts, not that he had doubts. In fact, we’d be surprised if he didn’t have doubts. Many guys do when faced with the prospect of committing to someone long term in whatever capacity that looks like. (Living together, engagement, marriage.)

The good news is that he seems remorseful and recommitted. Maybe his actions have gotten him to a solid place, but what about you? Obviously you’re not feeling as clear about him now, otherwise you wouldn’t have written to us. What we suggest is that you don’t move in together until this is completely resolved. If you’re still feeling hurt, unsure, nervous, angry, you need to talk about these feelings with him. And he needs to be open to talking about this as long as you feel the need to. He has to understand that he betrayed you. (Sure, maybe not to the degree that some do, but still a betrayal.) And when this happens, trust is broken, which often takes a long time to repair. He has to understand that his actions had consequences and that you might need to process this for a long time.

Finally, don’t settle Claire. He may be the one for you after you work through this. But keep in mind that you deserve to have someone who feels the same for you, as you do for them; and someone who’s committed to working through issues, especially when things are tough. We hope you can work this out.

Do you have any other questions? Leave us a comment below. We’d like to hear your thoughts on this.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Other questions about cheating:

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again?

My guy had trouble getting aroused; is there something wrong with me?

Is a guy able to be in a relationship with one woman without getting bored or without cheating?

Dear Guys,

I am a girl who is afraid to “put my guard down.” Even though you guys really say men are simple, they really aren’t. I am afraid to give my all in a relationship. Reason being is all men check out other women, fantasize about them, and so on and so forth. Not only that, but men NEED sex. Which even though I give my man sex (since I love it just as much as him) I’m scared he will get tired of doing it just with me and cheat. He claims to really love me and after two years of dating the connection is still there but I can’t truly believe him. He says I’m the best he’s ever had but in my head I’m thinking that if somebody better comes along, I’m history.

So I want to know two things: Will a man eventually get tired of having sex with the same woman? Or does a man actually have the potential to love like you see in romance movies?

Missy

Dear Missy,

Thanks for your question. We understand your concern.

It’s not just men who stray because of boredom. Sex can get stale for both people in a relationship. In fact it’s very natural after a year or so, for what at first was amazing and mind-blowing, to become ordinary and routine. Effort is required from both sides to sustain an exciting sex life. We’ve also heard the same complaint from women: That they’re sick of the ‘same old thing.’ And the point we’re getting at is, if you’re relying on keeping this guy interested based on amazing sex you’re doomed to fail.

You’re right when you say guys check out other women constantly. Yes they do; it’s in the wiring. But remember that checking out other women shouldn’t be threatening as long as it’s done discreetly and respectfully. And checking out other woman doesn’t automatically lead to cheating. In fact it’s good that your guy is open about it. If he was trying to hide his “interest” in other women, then you’d have a reason to be concerned. We’d suggest not trying to suppress his need to do this, as long as he not trying to move his fantasies to the real world. And you know, you might see other men you find attractive; why not share this with him as well so he sees that it can work both ways?

So Missy, so why are you so guarded? Have you been hurt before, or been let down in previous relationships? If so, that can seriously impact your ability to trust. But those feelings stem from you; don’t project those feelings onto someone else. If he hasn’t done anything but be a loyal boyfriend you shouldn’t assume the worst, unless he’s given you reason to not trust him. Has he?

Men are not so different than women. Maybe the pull to have sex with lots of women is there, but for many guys, the pull of a family, and a loving relationship with a woman they can trust, love, laugh with, and grow old with, is also there, and we think that pull is strong enough to prevent most guys from throwing it away with a silly affair that’s only about sex.

Part of this Missy is about you not feeling confident enough that someone could possibly love you for the long term. This is less about your guy straying and more about what you’re feeling internally. We think that’s worth exploring, to see why you’re feeling insecure. Obviously he adores you, so be confident that he will continue to.

As far as the movies, well, don’t believe what you see in the movies. None of that is real. Because relationships are messy and complicated, because humans are messy and complicated. And when have you ever wanted to kiss your boyfriend first thing in the morning when he has “dragon breath?” (We’ve always wondered that about the movies.)

In the meantime, give your guy the benefit of the doubt until he proves that he’s not to be trusted.

Feel free to leave us a comment or ask a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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I’m with my ex-husband’s best friend; but he’s into S & M

Dear Guys,

This could take forever. It’s a soap opera. To help get to the point, a short background. I am with my ex-husband’s best friend. In truth, we all three met at the same moment fourteen years ago. My ex was faster at the draw so my current boyfriend has literally been quietly waiting. I had no clue until a year ago. When we hooked up last year, he called my ex to ask permission. Ex was fine with it, but my current boyfriend ended up losing the relationship over us. I was very careful to let him decide, but after quietly loving me for so long he took the jump.

So, this guy and I have been best friends for years. Now we’ve been living together for a year as lovers. Here’s the catch, we are AWESOME together. We are SO in love. It’s gross, but we can’t help it. Even after a year, we’re still acting like teens. It throws us both.

Here’s the problem, he has always been into S&M. I’ve known him so long there was no surprise there. We are both dominate people, and in that game, only one person gets the top. After a year of trying to solve this problem, we knew I could never meet that need for him. I did agree to allow him to find someone to get that need met. He tried for a month, and by the end of the month we both agreed (enthusiastically) that we actually wanted an exclusive relationship. The last standing order was that we were exclusive, and we didn’t want anyone else…but when we were more ready, we would try it out at a later date.

So…fast forward about three months. I leave home to help a dear friend in a family emergency. I do not get a return flight, as I will stay until she no longer needs me. He actually pushed strongly for me to go and provided all the support I needed. But three days into my mission, his son told me his dad was at the bar. I’m like???? Because he went alone. So I investigated. I find his postings on Craigslist….I find a new email address….when I confronted him he got angry and defensive and said I didn’t trust him and automatically felt accused wrongly. He got so riled up that he cursed at me in a voicemail. That was not like him. We both hate confrontations. So I yielded and just told him to do as he wishes. That was 24 hours ago. His last statement to me was, ” I will.” He tried pulling the “I’m a grown man and can do as I please” card. (He’s been getting testosterone injections lately too. It’s likely building his confidence up again.)

For as much as this man worships me, I’m wondering what the heck is going on??? This is the first time he’s ever lied or held a secret. He entrusted me with his entire life, finances, and even power of attorney for his son a year ago. We live like we’re married. We’ve been best friends for fourteen years. We already knew all our stories. His last words at the airport were, “Please call and text me…I hang on your every word.” I don’t care that he needed something I couldn’t give so he’s trying to find it. But, why lie to me; why hold a secret?; why change the rules, especially without notification? This is killing me.

Miriam

Dear Miriam,

Thanks for your question. Sorry we couldn’t get to this sooner. And we’re sorry this is so difficult.

The very fact that the two of you are so intimately connected, and like you said, “still act like teens” almost makes this more understandable. We know that might not make sense so let us explain.

When two people are so connected the way the two of you are, it’s almost as if your identities have fused to become one. For a while—sometimes a long while—that can feel empowering, exciting, mind-blowing even. But after a time, someone comes to the realization that they are losing their own identity in the mix. When this realization happens, the person starts to try and break free, flex their muscles, be autonomous, declare their independence. This is when many couples break up, because it’s a wake up call; it’s a reality check, and more often than not, the reality pushes someone to search elsewhere to find that euphoric feeling again. Of course we all know that that search is futile because the longing they have is more about what’s missing for them internally, rather than something to actually obtain.

What’s going on here is a cousin of that. He doesn’t want to leave your relationship but he still wants to carve out his own space and be more independent within the parameters of your relationship. He’s just doing a crappy job of it right now. This is not about S & M and what he’s not getting from you. (You seem like a very sensitive and loving partner and he’s lucky to have you.) This is about him trying to find himself; this is about him sending you a message that he’s a man, and with that comes independence. Yes, it’s an immature way of going about it, and maybe he feels this is the only way he can do this: by acting like a teenager. But that’s what’s going on, and that’s why he’s kept this a secret from you.

We suggest letting the smoke clear—for both of you—and then sitting down and trying to work through this maturely. Some questions to consider and discuss: What do you need from this relationship? What does he need? Are you both getting your needs met? Is that possible? What compromises can be made to move forward? Is this really about your sex life, or is that more a symptom of some other larger issue? If it is about the sex, more specifically what he needs, are you comfortable allowing him to seek that out elsewhere?

After these questions—and probably others—are answered—possibly with the help of a professional (A couples counselor perhaps?)—you need to come up with a plan for how you will communicate and then resolve issues as you move forward in your relationship. Because, as you know, relationships don’t float forever on the giddiness of new love, they ride on tracks dug from hard work, commitment, mutual respect and love.

What do you think?

Leave us a comment below, or ask a follow up question.

All the best,

THE GUYS

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Questions about Sex:

Can you guys explain men and masturbation to me?

Can a guy’s taste really change?

Do looks matter?

My boyfriend wants to watch porn together

Did he cheat?; I’m not sure what’s right from wrong?

Dear Guys,

If you met someone in a random city and spent days together and nothing happened, then returned to living in separate countries but struck up an internet friendship that over two months led to a romantic rendezvous in a foreign city for one week which went amazing, then one month later you (the girl) goes to his city to see him,..then find he has been messaging with a fuck buddy of his two days prior to your arrival to come and take her clothes of at his house…is this a red flag?

The situation is so unique, but the reason I ask is that we had already talked about me coming to see him, and him coming to see me, and I am actually moving to his city soon..so was this cheating? Even though we had never defined anything and I was not exactly the most forth-coming?

He says he is 100% invested and that this was some sort of last hurrah, but I am worried that I’ll never get this out of my mind as some sort of betrayal, despite my liking him a lot..and understanding how this could have happened, given we have known each other only five months and spent 2 weeks together physically in total. But then again in that five months we chatted everyday.

BooBooBamBam

Dear BooBooBamBam,

Thanks for your question. An interesting situation indeed.

It’s very likely he’s telling the truth. That this was one last “hurrah” and that he’s 100% committed to you. That’s all well and good, but where does that leave you? That’s the question here. He didn’t technically cheat on you since the two of you never had the “are we exclusive” conversation, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t betray your unspoken emotional connection. And herein lies the problem.

If the roles were reversed a guy would have a hard time getting over this betrayal. But it wouldn’t be about some imagined emotional connection with some guy, it would be about the sex. He would say to his woman, “Why did you need to do that? Is he better than me? Is he bigger than me? Do you like the sex more with him? Am I not enough for you?” But we imagine for you it’s more about the bond he may have for this woman, and the fact that you’re not sure you can trust him.

We can reassure you that if guys are unattached they will try to get as much sex as they can, within reason of course. He probably thought to himself, “I might as well get one more taste before I commit myself to this person who I really care about.” But we don’t think it was anything more than that. (If that’s reassuring at all.) As far as trusting him again, you have to trust your gut on that. We can’t look into his heart and tell you what he’s thinking. You need to base that on his overall behavior and how he treats you and this relationship. Positives to look for: Is he a good communicator? Does he share his feelings? Does he listen to you? Does he try to solve problems with you? How does he treat other people? How is he with his friends/family? All of these things give you a sense of his true character, which will help you determine who he really is, and if you’ll be able to trust him in the future.

Our suggestion: If you really love this man, and truly believe this relationship has a chance, then talk to him about how you feel and try to work through this. If he makes it difficult well, then you’ll have your answer. If he’s contrite, and willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you then you know he’s really committed to you, and it could be worth exploring.

What do you think? How do you feel about this?

Leave us a comment below, and feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

THE GUYS

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My girlfriend is cheating with more than one guy

Dear Guys,

I have been seeing a woman who told me she wasn’t in a relationship. She called me one night to tell me she has been seeing a guy who talked her into having sex with other men while he watches. I have told her she is in a potentially dangerous situation. She says she enjoys it.

I am devastated. What should I do? This I find out has been going on for a couple of years.

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through a tough time.

Well, the one positive thing we see here is that she at least was honest with you, and felt compelled to tell you what she was up to. However, besides the obvious physical danger she could be in, we have to wonder about her self-esteem. How does she view herself? That’s not to say that women can’t engage in sexual activity that men might even be lauded for. (Its quite the double-standard in our society.) But the question is more, why is she doing this particular activity? Is it because she truly enjoys it for what it is? Is it because she wants to please the guy who is watching? Is it because she’s trying to make you jealous? What is it?

We’re not so sure this woman is ready for a relationship.Being open to trying new things is a great quality. And dating a women who is open to trying new sexual things is a bonus. (At least that’s what we’ve heard from many guys.) But having a partner who is willing to do anything and everything just to gain approval, means that person is putting the needs of others before her own. That may sound enticing at the onset, but it’s guaranteed to get tiring pretty quickly. (It’s nice to know our partner has his/her own ideas, and is not afraid to express those ideas.) Mutual respect is important for relationships to grow.

The other question is, how serious is your relationship? Or rather, how serious do you think your relationship is? Her view of your relationship seems to be different than yours. Once you figure out the first problem—her questionable activity— you’re still left with working out a relationship that works for both of you. (If that’s even possible.)

Thomas, start with trying to sort out why she’s behaving like she’s behaving. Then if you still want her back the two of you need to sit down and decide how you want to proceed moving forward. If you’re not sure about all of this, then now’s an easy time to move on.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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I don’t want to cheat on my Prince Charming

Hey Guys,

I was raised in a very conservative family and was taught that one ought to save themselves for marriage. I grew up as a strong young woman with firm beliefs, and did save myself for the man that I am with today. I was very clear with him when we first got together where my boundaries were, and even though he’s from a completely different background, he was prepared to wait for me —something very few men would do. We have been together for over 3 years now (I am 25) and I lost my virginity to him about a year ago. I haven’t regretted it for a second. He’s been supportive and amazing; he genuinely loves me, and I love him.

The problem arises, however, now that I have been awakened into this whole other world of sex. Even though I have no problems with how I was raised, I have started to wish that I didn’t in fact wait so long until I lost my virginity. I think that what I did was a beautiful thing, saving myself for my one true love, but the fact of the matter is that now I wish that I had had a LOT more sex before I met “the one!”

My boyfriend is one helluva guy and he raises the bar way high, but I have in fact met a few guys who I have had crazy chemistry with these past few months. I have never done anything with them, but I still feel like I am cheating because in my mind, I am. I imagine myself having crazy, wild sex with other men. It’s not that my boyfriend and I don’t have good sex— but then again, what do I know what is good sex or what isn’t? All I know is that all my life, movies, music and everyone around me has been running around and being crazy about SEX. And I want to know what all that hype is about! Having sex with my boyfriend is fun, it feels good and he does make sure my needs are met. But it’s not that crazy, electric, goosebumps-all-over, I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-you-naked kind of thing that I’ve been hearing about all my life. I guess I’m just too comfortable with him? But since when did that become a bad thing?

And sure, maybe it IS just that the grass-is-greener on the other side, and if I were to taste it, it would simply confirm that what I have here and now with this relationship is amazing. But how do I know that? How can I just take someone’s word for it? If I can’t stop thinking about having sex with others, surely that’s a tell-tale sign that something isn’t completely right? I don’t want to cheat on him, but sometimes I wish I could push the pause button on the relationship, screw around a little, and come back to him. But I know it doesn’t work like that. If I were to break up with him just to be able to sleep with some random guys, he would never take me back. And I don’t want to lose the best, most stable guy I’ve met in my life—someone that I know I could spend my life with. On the other hand, I don’t want to end up a married 40-something with kids who starts to cheat on her husband of 20 years either, because I suddenly have a mid-life crisis and need to get something out of my system!

I don’t want to cheat on him (Cheating is baaad! Badbad! Trust is crucial!) buuuut sometimes it feels like the only way to kill those grass-is-greener thoughts is by having a taste. I have imagined talking it out with a distant guy-friend (we dated a little once, it fizzled and we became distant friends), laying my cards out on the table, and asking him to jump my bones, and then leave it at that —both of us being very aware of what it is that I am asking for. I am also aware of the fact that it is, actually, a bad idea, seeing as it would be cheating, but for me, it feels like it would be the only way to get some random, meaningless sex with others out of my system so that I can fully understand what an amazing thing it is that I have with my boyfriend already. Sound confusing? Yes I know… I don’t actually understand why I have this need to sleep with others when I already have someone so perfect in my life already, but I can’t stop the thoughts from entering my mind.

So HELP! Either tell me something that will stop me from wanting to sleep with others, or tell me that it is okay to want to have some random, meaningless sex before I get hitched and spend the rest of my life with the one guy I’ve ever been with!

Sudden Non-Virgin

Dear Sudden Non-Virgin,

Thanks for your question. It’s an interesting one, but you’re certainly not alone in your thoughts and feelings. You sound like a lot of guys we know.

Having fantasies about other men and women is perfectly normal. Most everyone that’s honest with themselves—and in touch with their true feelings—would admit to having some sort of fantasy from time to time. Being with one woman or man is a compromise. Actually, every decision in life is a compromise, and a mix of gain and loss. For example. if you choose one college, you don’t get to go to the other one you got into. If you decide to vacation in Italy, well then you can’t go to Japan. And so on. It’s the same for relationships. If you choose one man, you can’t have another. And if you choose to be in a monogamous relationship you can’t have sex with other people, unless you want to cheat on the person you’re purported to love.

We happen to think that the sex you have from a stable relationship is much more gratifying and deeper than what you get from sleeping around. However we understand your conundrum since you’re relatively inexperienced and never got to “live” the single life. Yes, we can tell you that you’re fixated on thinking the grass-is-greener, but we’re not you. And if this is something that’s going to eat away at you, then it’s going to seriously impact your relationship, beyond just you cheating. It’s likely you’ll start feeling resentful and angry, and your boyfriend—or possibly husband by then—will have no idea why you’re lashing out at him. It will go from bad to worse, and if you don’t cheat on him, you’re likely to leave him. You’re smart to try and figure this out now before you get too ahead of yourself.

So what about sex? We love your quote. “But it’s not that crazy, electric, goosebumps-all-over, I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-you-naked kind of thing that I’ve been hearing about all my life.” Is it possible you’re watching too many movies? (We’re just kidding.) Yes, there is that. It’s called, “sex with someone new.” The first time—which could last even a year or so—can be crazy, all-consuming, mind-blowing. It can be wild and out-of-control. But not always. Sometimes it can be downright bad, when you’re with a lover who’s selfish. Or even dangerous. (You sleep around at your own risk. Lots going around, especially if you’re having random sex, with random guys, as you say.)

You say the sex with your boyfriend is good, but you’re not sure what that means. Well, simply put: That’s good. You’re with a man who loves you, and cares about satisfying you. Not all men are like that. (Or women.) So don’t discount what you have with your boyfriend. He’ll never be the “new guy” to you again, but he loves you, and it sounds like you love him. That’s nothing to scoff at. (We know you’re not, but it’s good to hear it from an objective viewpoint.)

Our suggestion: If you feel the weight of wondering pulling at you every moment you’re with your boyfriend, then you might need to take a hard look at it. We’re not saying you should break up with your boyfriend, but we’re saying, if this is going to affect your relationship then you need to decide now what you want to do. We wish we could give you the answer, but unfortunately we can’t, and won’t. This is your decision.

However, we do know guys that were in your current position. Some decided to suck it up and deal with it, and went on to marry their girlfriends. Others, decided they just weren’t ready to commit, and they went the other way. We can tell you—we’ll speak for THE GUYS—that every guy we know would like to be able to have sex with other women, even though they’re happily married or in committed relationships. For us, the longing of a new woman doesn’t go away. Some days it’s better than others, but we’re wired to sleep with as many women as we can. But acting on it is a whole different story. The guys that cheat, and throw away their marriages/relationships, usually regret it later. Maybe you’re more like a guy in this way. (The fact that you have the longing.)

If you do decide that you just have to experience “more” we understand. You’re young, and sometimes people have to make difficult decisions that affect other people. If this is just one of those things you have to do, please don’t cheat. You need to break up with your boyfriend first. You don’t need to give him every detail—we wouldn’t—and tell him every single thing you’re thinking. But if you’re honest with him—tell him you need to be single a bit longer before you get married—you never know what might happen down the road. Most guys would have a really difficult time with this, but maybe he’s different. There are certainly no guarantees he’ll be around when you’re ready.

Hope this helps. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. (Leave it in the comments section below.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! (Please consider a small donation to THE GUYS.)

I am asking for a divorce but still feel sad and confused

Hi Guys,

I will try and keep this short and sweet but feel I need to give you the whole picture so you understand how I ended up where I did.

I met my husband at a party in August 2003 but we didn’t actually start dating until February 2004. We were engaged in November 2006 and married in September 2007. I was 32 and he was 33 when we married.

Let me start by first saying I was married one time previously to a pilot for only three months. We were together for two years before we got married and almost called the wedding off two times. I knew I shouldn’t have married him but we had everything planned and all his relatives were coming to Michigan from Portland. The same night of our wedding I knew I made a huge mistake. We filed for divorce in July 2003.

So my husband now and I had our first date in February 2004 and then kept dating ever since. I remember enjoying his company but I do not ever remember feeling completely gaga and soooo in love but I found him attractive, he had a great job, was “normal”, never been married, no kids and was an all around great guy. He really is a good man in so many ways and I always thought he would be a wonderful father.

Some of the challenges we encountered after we got married follow:

1) We started trying to get pregnant in June 2007 (I was 36 and he was 37) We tried for two years solid to get pregnant and it never happened. In 2008 we tried some fertility measures like Clomid but we were unsuccessful.
2) My husband lost his job of ten years in January 2009 that he loved due to downsizing. It devastated him. I always asked if he was okay and he said he was fine, just angry. He found out he was losing his job on a Friday and that following week was our fist appointment to meet with our fertility specialist to start the “big” process of invitro fertilization. He received a severance package of $40,000 but we both decided we needed to cancel our appointment not knowing how long it would take him to find another job. (The economy was horrible). I made $55,000 and he made $170,000. We lived in a $300,000 home, both had new cars and $40,000 wouldn’t last long if he had trouble finding a job.

We started growing apart, not sharing anything or enjoying activities together. I felt like I tried numerous times to feel him emotionally (something we always kind of struggled with) but I always felt so alone in our relationship. We never had a great sex life but it wasn’t horrible. It was just “awkward” and is the only way I can explain it. I also felt that the sports and how the house and yard looked was more important than us spending quality time together. I fel like I was always sitting in the background trying to grab his attention

Anyway, I was at a friend’s happy hour in June 2009 because she was leaving her old job and starting a new one, when everything in my life seemed to change. A guy that my friend worked with was at the happy hour. (She didn’t know him well but he knew some of the other girls there.) We started talking that evening and really hit it off. He was full of energy and was always smiling. He took my friend to another bar we were going to because she couldn’t drive and that is how he got my number because he was following me and had it in case we lost them on the way.

It all started with a random text weeks later out of the blue; it is now August 2009. Next thing you know we were texting all the time and I was laughing and smiling all the time. He filled my days and the texting continued for months. Next thing you know we felt like friends and started meeting for lunch a few times and quickly it went on from there.

My husband suspected something but never approached me until April 2010. I tried a few times to cut the ties with the other guy and did for a few months but really missed him. I thought about him constantly and loved how he made me feel. I would stay away for about 3 months and then a text would come up. He was married and had two children. He got married very young (20) and was married for 24 years and both children are now 23 and 18. He is just now 43 and I am 40.

My husband and I separated for about a month in October of 2010 and then I went back and then we separated again in February of 2011 and have been apart since. I have been in a relationship with the other guy ever since. If I had met this guy before my husband I have no doubt we would be together. He is getting a divorce and it is almost final and I have been putting things off which isn’t fair to all three of us.

I told my husband last night we need to move forward with the divorce but I feel so sad and sometimes still wonder if I am making a mistake. I love the other guy and we are at the finish line of being together yet I second guess myself.

I have never cheated on anyone before not even in my teens and 20′s and always prided myself of that. Then when I should really know better I begin an emotional affair that eventually let to a physical affair. I tried a few times to end it with this person but always felt like I was losing a best friend and then immediately started feeling lonely again. I hated myself for what I have done but yet felt like I couldn’t let the other guy go.

My husband feels like he never really had a second chance and that 3 months was not enough. He would still take me back now if I went back. He said he knew we had problems but didn’t think they were that bad. He said this all wouldn’t have been such a kick to the gut if we had separated and then if I met someone else (other than the guy that started all of this) and felt another person was a better fit but because it is the guy that caused our marriage to crumble it is hard for him to take. He obviously is upset because I gave up him to be with the other guy instead of giving up the other guy to work on our marriage.

I am not a heartless cold “b”, in fact, I am quite the opposite. I tried the best I could to not crush his world but of course I did. I am disappointed in myself for what I did, and I have a hard time forgiving myself for it even when he said he forgave me for the affair a long time ago he just wanted another shot.

It wasn’t like we fought or had major problems other than I felt like I didn’t connect with him or didn’t feel emotionally close to him. I wasn’t even thinking of divorce before I met the other guy. I knew we had things to work on but I too didn’t think our marriage was horrible by any stretch. I know I am rambling now. I guess I feel like I am this horrible person and like I am the only person in the world that failed a marriage. I HATE the hurt I am causing my husband but only wanted to go back for the right reasons and not because I felt guilty. However, I can’t seem to fully let him go and I cannot keep one foot in each relationship.

He said he is going to miss me, my family and friends. That when he married me he meant forever but obviously that isn’t going to be the case. He has been more than a gentleman considering everything I have done. I don’t know that I would have held on like he has if the situation would have been reversed.

You would think I would feel better finally making a decision after almost three years of this. The other guy is about done with me but he loves me so much he has been putting up with my dragging of the feet. I never thought in a million years I would have had an affair and anyone who knows me would have never believed it.

Should I be excited about finally moving forward? How come I feel scared? Am I making a huge mistake even though I know the guy I am with now makes me laugh all the time and he absolutely adores me. This guy is willing to have a kid with me when he has two adult children which floored me. I never “felt” that my husband loved me as much as this guy does. Maybe he did and just didn’t know how to show it. I am so confused. How do I know it is right to divorce? Why can’t I move on fully with the guy who stole my heart?

Sorry again for the rambling. I am sure this doesn’t make a ton of sense but if you still have questions for me I will gladly answer them if you can help me from either making the right or worst decision of my life. (Sorry for the poor grammer as well. I am tired of typing.)

Any thoughts or opinions are appreciated.

Scared and Confused

Dear Scared and Confused,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry this is such a tumultuous time in your life. Only you will know what’s right to do, but we’ll give you our thoughts and opinions on your situation.

Let’s start with your husband. There’s no doubt in our mind that he loves you dearly. And the fact that he’d still be willing to take you back, even after all that’s happened, is a testament to his strength, and willingness to forgive. Maybe he doesn’t know how to show you his love as much as this new guy—and maybe that’s what you need; someone who can show you—but he definitely loves you.

However, this doesn’t mean you should stay with him. Love is a two-way street. We’re not sure your reasons for getting married, but it sounds like you felt it was time, and so you married a good, solid guy. Maybe your weren’t sure how strongly you felt for your husband—was it true love?; you weren’t sure–but after some of the struggles the two of you had—conceiving and then financial—you started feeling less and less connected to him, and some of your doubts became amplified.

But let’s be clear. What you’re feeling right now—the sadness and doubt–is because you understand that a new person isn’t necessarily going to solve every problem. It might feel ‘perfect’ now, but inevitably all couples have issues. (Understand that it’s not guaranteed that the two of you will have an easy time conceiving, or that he’ll still be willing when the times comes. Just throwing that out there.) You also have a long history with your husband, and that’s tough to move on from. (For anyone.)

Now to your affair.

Yes, you betrayed a person you love. There’s no other way to say it. However, it’s you that needs to try and work past it. Your husband will heal—although it might take time—but what about you? At some point, in order for you to be happy moving forward, you’re going to have to forgive yourself.

Our suggestion:

The thing you need to do is separate the two situations, or the two men. Ask yourself the simple question: If there wasn’t another man in your life, would you still want to leave your husband? Because one situation is muddying the other. Sure, the new man possibly gave you the strength to finally move forward with your life and get divorced, but would you have ultimately done that anyway?

What we’re saying is, this new guy shouldn’t be the reason you’re leaving your husband. Maybe he’s showed you that the love you always hoped for is out there, but you still need to make one decision first, then make the next decision.

We hope this helps. Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Good luck and hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. (And THE GUYS have been known to graciously accept small donations via our PayPal on site. Thanks!)

Soon to be husband cheated; what do I do?

Another question about dating a guy from a different country:

International long distance relationship; is it possible?

________________________________

Dear Guys,

I feel hopeless and ashamed to talk to my girlfriends so I need The Guys help…..

I have dated my current boyfriend for five years and eight months to be exact. I found out he cheated on me with over five prostitutes three years ago. He swore he wouldn’t do it again and since I was stupid and love him, I trusted him again. We’ve been doing a long distance relationship (because of work) since Aug 2009 (6 months after I found out he cheated) and we meet once a year for about three weeks usually.

I used to think we had a good long-distance relationship going even after he cheated because we talked on the phone a couple times a day. (Basically I know his routines and friends even though it’s long distance.)

I flew over and met him again last week, just to find out that he constantly has been visiting dating sites and still checking online postings for random sex. He said it was because he was lonely but he did not do anything. He says he was just curious to check out their pictures. He also has an interest in having intimacy with same sex. Sounds terrible heh…. but I can’t let go because I’ve been so emotionally attached to him. We plan to get married in August of next year and I plan on moving back to his country next January. I don’t know what to do… I feel hopeless. And maybe only you guys and God can help.

He said he would do anything to rebuild the trust (e.g. he would go to church with me, go to counseling, give me his bank account etc) But I feel that it’s really hard to trust him again. What should I do? If your advice is for me to leave him, please teach me how to let go……

Million thanks,
Kay

Dear Kay,

We’re really sorry you’re going through a difficult time. But please don’t feel ashamed. You’re not the first or the last to go through this kind of thing. Many people deal with trust issues in their relationships.

Long distance relationships are difficult and can put a strain on even the strongest of bonds. The fact that you only see each other three weeks out of the year, means there are more weeks than not, that the two of you are alone. We understand that he might have some physical needs, but if he truly was committed to you, he would figure out how to fulfill those needs without seeking out the company of other women, especially prostitutes. (That could be a health risk to you as well.)

Let’s take it a step further. What happens when the two of you get married, and let’s say you have a baby together? All of a sudden you’re busy, tired, and he’s not getting what he needs as often. Is he going to start hooking up with other women then? It’s a red-flag that when the going is tough he resorts to this kind of behavior. Because as you know, relationships have a lot of “ups” but they also have a lot of “downs.”

It’s clear that you love this man, but do you think you could trust him if the two of you got married? Because you’re going to be even more miserable if you get married and then realize you still can’t trust him. You don’t want to live your life constantly worried that your spouse is cheating on you, or that he might cheat on you.

So we advise you to think long and hard before you decide to get married to this man. We can’t and won’t tell you what you should do—only you can figure that out. But there are some important issues to figure out here. Think about what you want, and what you can handle, and then go from there.

So what do you think? Leave us a comment, and feel free to ask us a follow up question.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (Use PayPal button on any page of our site) Thanks!

Overseas military affair

Dear Guys,

I am overseas in the military. When this marine and I met it was like love at first sight. We started talking everyday and having lunch together. But somehow he would not ask me out. I started questioning him why but he always had an excuse.

He came to visit my place and we made out a couple of times but didn’t have sex. He told me he had feelings for me but he had a girlfriend back in the states that he loves and doesn’t want to end his relationship with her. We broke up, sort of, and now he’s making me feel like I was the one that was pursuing him. (But he also says he still wants to be my friend and swears that he has deep feelings too, but he wants to stop the flirting and suggestive language that we used to use.)

I am hurting so much; I trusted him and then he does this to me?! Everyone that knows about the situation says that he is going to come back to me and is going to break up with his girlfriend. But I don’t want to get my hopes up. He said he doesn’t want to lead me on. But now we both extended our tour here and will be seeing each other a couple times of week. We are so attracted to each other and passionate for each other. It is amazing. He told me that he’s never felt this kind of passion before. Me either. He said that it feels so good and so natural to hold me and kiss me. What should I do? Advice please!!!

Zairi

Dear Zairi,

Thanks for your question.

The best thing to do right now is try to be friends with him as best you can. He’s right, while he has a girlfriend the two of you shouldn’t be flirting, or doing other things. But the fact that he’s tried to put this on you is a red flag. He’s not taking responsibility for his actions. From what we can see there was only one person who was cheating on their partner, and it wasn’t you. He’s got a lot of nerve to dump this on you. And that’s the other thing. You do realize this guy cheated on his girlfriend don’t you? And who’s to say he wouldn’t cheat on you if you were that girl back in the states? It’s certainly something to think about, and something that needs to be talked about if things move forward between the two of you.

We suggest that you try to work with him—if that’s why you’re seeing him a few times a week—and be friendly. But you need to make it clear to him that you’re not open to having a relationship with him until he’s resolved things with his girlfriend back home. (Meaning he’s broken up with her.)

The thing is, passion is great and all, but relationships only last if there’s strong communication, trust, and mutual respect. Those are things that are built over time.

Good luck. Please keep us posted as things progress. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about military relationships:

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do?

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Sex Addict: I feel like I’m not enough for my boyfriend

Dear Guys,

I feel like my 32 year old boyfriend is obsessed with sex, naked women, and porn. He stares (not looks!) at other women while we are out together. I understand people’s eyes wander, but he has in the past made me feel like I wasn’t even there. I confronted him about it but he thinks I’m being crazy and usually just gets defensive. He combats me with accusing me of “forcing him to walk on egg shells” but I just want him to respect me while I am with him.

He also told me he masturbates at least twice a day (which I know from doing his laundry, yuck) which to me sounds more to me like a 16 year old than a 32 year old. I can only assume that he’s watching porn while he does this… Which, c’mon… he probably is. And the other day I was using his StumbleUpon app on his iPhone and in his history it showed that he only ‘stumbled upon’ his “babes” interest and the last 1,700+ pages he saw were of completely naked women in provocative positions, some with other women. THAT’S AT LEAST 1,700 WOMEN ON HIS CELL PHONE ALONE!

We have a pretty regular sex life and I would like to do it more, but now all I can think about is whether or not he is fantasizing about someone else while we are being intimate. And some nights he rolls over as if sex means nothing and I know sometimes it’s just because he jerked off before I came over. He says he loves me and finds me sexy and loves fooling around, and he really is an amazing boyfriend, but I can’t help but feel like I’m nothing in comparison to all of these other women.

I’m usually very confident, but I sincerely feel like he’s obsessed with women and getting off. I DON’T GET IT. And he’s cheated in the past on some/one of his girlfriends, so I worry about this behavior encouraging him to cheat. I want to confront him about it, but I feel like he would just get defensive and angry and I doubt it would change anything. And I’m starting to feel like I’m not enough for him. Please help… Am I crazy? Am I over-thinking this? Or is this abnormal?

Heather

Dear Heather,

Thanks for your question.

So if your boyfriend makes you feel defensive, insecure, and less confident what is it about him that makes him amazing? Honestly, we’re just curious. Because a guy could have a lot going for him—smart, confident, good looking, successful—but could still be a shitty boyfriend or husband.

But let’s talk about the specifics of your question. It’s pretty “normal”—although remember, normal is kind of subjective—for a guy to look at other women—including women online—as well as pleasure himself regularly, even if he’s very happy and satisfied in his relationship. But two times a day sounds a bit excessive. Our biggest question is, how does he have the time? Does he have a job? As far as looking at woman while he’s with you, that’s a whole other story. Sure guys look, as you say, but stare, no. He should absolutely be focused on you while he’s with you. That doesn’t mean he has to lavish you with PDA (Public Displays of Affection) but it does mean if he needs to look at the hot girl who’s walking by he should do it discreetly, or at least include you. (Some women don’t mind if their guy looks as long as they are included.) But even with that, a guy should be respectful of the woman he’s with. And the same holds true for woman with their men.

From what you’re describing, yes, your guy seems to be over the top when it comes to porn. Most guys have some interest and dabble when they “need to” but we still come back to the time issue. Most guys just don’t have the time to stay home, pop in a video, and go to town on their “special buddy.” At least not everyday.

As far as his past indiscretions, he shouldn’t be held hostage for that. Yes, he has a track record, but people do learn and change, although you’re right to be aware of this. Cheating is a behavior that’s difficult to change, because it’s more about the person who’s cheating rather than the person being cheated on. It has more to do with the person’s own feelings of self-worth, or even on the flip side, entitlement. This is something to keep your eyes open about.

We just think you need to ask yourself, are you happy? Are you getting what you need from this guy? Let’s say he continues his behavior but still treats you well, are you okay with this? And what is it about him that’s amazing? Do you think you’ll ever be able to trust him? Once you answer some of these questions we think things will become clearer and clearer for you. Remember Heather, don’t settle. The guy you are with should respect you, and care enough about you, that if something’s bothering you, he would do whatever he can to find a solution. Because relationships are all about trust, respect, good communication, and effective problem solving. You want someone who’s not always going to deflect the blame onto you.

We hope this helps. Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, and/or question. And keep us posted on how this unfolds.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Questions about Sex, Porn, Cheating:

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again?

Cheating when drinking; can he change?

My cheating boyfriend; can I learn to trust him again?

Other questions about cheating:

Is cheating ex playing me?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again?

_______________________________

Dear GUYS,

I currently have a boyfriend who cheated on me a few months back. Including the break up, we have been together almost three years.

Let me start from the beginning. I had a close friend who was also friends with my boyfriend. This girl was popular for getting around, yet I ignored the fact and continued to be friends with her thinking she would never betray me. One night my boyfriend calls me saying he had to go to Walmart to buy something for his Ipod around midnight. Of course I did not believe him, but I was tired and decided to ignore the situation and go to sleep angry.

The next day he wakes up late and he uses the excuse that he was “up late playing xbox with his cousins.” Of course I did not believe him, but I had no proof. When I finally saw him he was acting different. Very distant, angry, did not want to hold my hand or kiss me. I started to suspect he cheated on me. Sadly it was true. He cheated on me with my close friend and I found out a week later by a friend who heard from a friend and so forth. The worst part about it is when I asked them both, they lied to my face. I was overwhelmed with sadness and anger. I could not stand her. I tried to let it go and forgive him, but at the time he did not care. He continued talking to her like nothing had happened and defended her saying it was all her fault. That was the moment I decided to pretend like he fell from the face of the planet.

For three month I ignored him completely and everyone knew to not mention him around me. In fact I changed my number around three times because somehow he would get it and “drunk text” me saying how sorry he was and how much he missed me. I did not believe him. I even had to block him off Facebook seeing as to he wrote me this insanely long mean message mentioning stuff he heard about me that wasn’t even true. The day came where he texted me early one morning calmly and so I finally replied. One thing led to another and we ended up meeting each other to talk. I realized how much I loved him and cared for him when he was pouring his heart out to me.

Shortly after meeting, we started dating again and I have noticed the effort he has put into our relationship. He is more sweet; I am his first priority and he tries to give me whatever I want, etc. But in a way, I feel like we are falling into our old habits again. I can’t help but think in the back of my mind that he is lying to me or that he is going to cheat on me again. I would love to actually believe him when he says he will never do that again and in time he will prove it to me, but I just can’t. It’s been six months since we started dating again and I still fear him. I fear he will do this to me again and that he is lying.

My question is: will I ever learn to trust him again? If so, how? I feel like I will never get over the betrayal and our relationship will never move foward because of me.

Janet

Dear Janet,

Thanks for your question. Sorry it took us a while to get to it.

You’ve probably heard it said a thousand times that relationships are built on trust, but we just have to say it again: Relationships are built on trust. And when that trust is broken it’s often very difficult to repair. It’s not because the love has disappeared—as in your case you still love him—but because love can’t hold up without trust. And this of course throws pie in the face of all of those fairy tales we hear as kids, that love will conquer all, and it’s all about love, love, love. Well, sure, love is an important ingredient, but it’s only a part of the equation. You’re experiencing this first hand.

It is possible for you to trust your boyfriend again but he’s going to have to show you that he’s changed and willing to do what it takes to regain your trust. And he’s going to have to show this over a long period of time. (How long is up to you.) But at the same time you’re going to have to forgive him, and try your best to not think about his unsavory behavior and move forward. We’re not saying you SHOULD do that, we’re just saying that in order for you to move forward with your relationship you’re going to have to try and forgive.

The thing is Janet, much of what happens here on out is up to you. We’d say the majority of couples don’t survive a breach of trust like you’ve experienced. Cheating on someone you purportedly love is akin to taking a knife to their heart. But even so, it still happens every day. You might want to consider couples counseling and talk to a professional about this matter. There are likely other issues going on that should also be addressed. Cheating doesn’t usually happen in a vacuum.

But finally Janet, just remember that you weren’t the one to breach the trust. Don’t start blaming yourself and feeling guilty. In fact, blame needs to be taken out of the equation if you’re really serious about trying to put the pieces back together. With a lot of work on both sides you can repair the crack in the foundation, but at the same time listen carefully to your gut. What’s it telling you as you process the relationship? Sometimes even with love, two people aren’t meant to be together. They push the wrong buttons in each other.

Good luck. We wish we could give you a definitive answer, but really it’s up to you to try and sort through your feelings. We’re pulling for you whatever you decide. Please keep in touch and keep us posted. We’re interested in how this plays out. And leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question anytime. Use the comments section of this post and we’ll respond there.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Cheating when drinking; can he change?

Hi Guys,

My partner of four years recently left me; he ran away without leaving a note or anything. He had been drinking heavily for the duration of our relationship and during September last year he borrowed £10,000 from his Mum to open his own hair salon. When I finally found him a week later, he was living in London with an ex-girlfriend.

It turned out that he had spent all of the money that hadn’t gone on equipment for the salon on drink (approx £4,000) and that was the reason he had run away because he didn’t have the money to cover building work and rent to open the salon, and he was scared to tell his Mum and Stepdad that he had blown all of their money.

He admitted that he was an alcoholic and that he wanted to get sober and start his life over with me. He came back to Manchester but went to live with his Mum as I didn’t feel able to accept him back into my home at that point.

Since then we have been seeing each other once or twice a week and things are looking good for us. He has been sober for over three weeks now and has been attending AA meetings. (I know it hasn’t been long but it’s promising.)

However, when he was in London he told me that he only stayed with his ex for one night and then moved to a hostel. This weekend I found out that was a lie. He had spent the ten days he was there staying with her, sleeping in her bed; they had sex twice. (Not very successfully apparently because he was so drunk.)

I have also found out that he cheated on me with this ex during the first 6-10 months of our relationship and has had one-off sex with another woman in July last year. He blames the drinking and has said that if he had been sober he never would have cheated on me. He wants to start again but I don’t know if I can ever trust him again.

Do you think that being an alcoholic can effect his judgement that much that he would cheat? He says that to ease the guilt of cheating he just drank more and so the vicious circle continued.

Should I give him another chance?

Jane

Dear Jane,

Thanks for your question.

It’s absolutely possible for people to change the course of their lives. Certainly confessing to his indiscretions, admitting his faults, and attending AA meetings is a great start. But like you said, three weeks is a very short time and alcoholism is a lifetime battle.

People do become sober, but every single day of their lives they have to choose sobriety. We’ve been told it gets “easier” as time goes by, but we’ve also been told it never actually gets easy.

The even potentially bigger issue is WHY he began to drink in the first place. Those are issues he’s going to have to work through with help from professionals. (Counselors, etc.) AA is a good place to help him get the services he might need. And certainly support from friends and family will help him be strong enough to face his demons.

You obviously care about this man a lot. Otherwise you wouldn’t even be considering taking him back. But it’s really a matter of whether you can forgive him and trust him again. What do you think? Can you?

We think you’re rushing that decision a bit. Why don’t you wait and see how you feel in a few months, or even longer? Because as he stays sober and starts to work through his issues, you may start to feel differently, one way or another.

We imagine it’s hard to believe he’ll change. He cheated on you many times, lied to you, and has basically been an untrustworthy person and partner. Drinking can certainly impair a person’s judgement and make him do things he might not normally do, but not everyone who drinks chooses to cheat on their partner. They might display other destructive behaviors that they are prone to but not cheat. So the question is whether or not he’ll cheat on you when he’s sober. And we think it’s too early to tell. (We also don’t know him, so you’re going to have to be the one to make that call.)

Jane, much of this is up to you. Are you strong enough to forgive and start over with this guy? Give it some time and see how you feel. Because it sounds like you’d really like it to work out if possible. Be supportive of his journey, but we’d stay away from an actual “relationship” with him for a while. Be only a PLATONIC friend. And keep tabs on how you’re feeling. What’s your gut telling you to do? And what do your friends think? See if they think he’s actually changing, or if he’s just putting on an act.

The last thing we’ll say is don’t wait forever. Sometimes people don’t win the battle of alcoholism. As sad as that may be, you have a life to live as well. And you ultimately need to look after yourself.

Take care and good luck. Please keep us posted—leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section; we’ll respond to you here.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about cheating:

Is cheating ex playing me?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again?

Should I start an affair?

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dear Guys,

For the past week, my boyfriend has suddenly started receiving text messages from some girl that he says is just a friend. He gets off work around midnight and from midnight until about 2am they are texting back and forth. He says she’s much younger and having issues with a guy after having sex with him.

I began getting suspicious because after a couple of days it should have stopped. When he got in the shower, I checked his messages and saw her asking where he was and if they were meeting at the usual place. Before getting in the shower he replied, “Sweetie, are you there?” She began calling.

I was so pissed I confronted him and confessed to looking through his phone. He was calm the entire time and kept shaving. I asked him why he would keep leading me on if he was in love with someone else? He said, “You don’t know what you are talking about and you are thinking too much.” I pushed and asked if he lied to me about visiting his mom in the hospital. He got pissed and told me, “Fine. I’ll leave. I’m not coming back.” I went in the bedroom and slammed the door. I came back out and grabbed his phone threatening to call her. He snatched the phone from me and said, “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

I was defeated at this point and since I was taking a trip out of town in a few days I decided to focus my energy on preparing. I went to dinner with a male friend of mine and came home pretty tipsy and I thought I beat him home, but I didn’t. He was standing outside and his face was red and he had been crying pretty hard. I walked up and he said, “I’m so sorry. I was so worried.”

When we got in the apartment, he held me and put his head in my lap. I tried consoling him, but I felt betrayed. Even during the night he cried in his sleep. I don’t know what to do. I know I betrayed him by looking through his phone, but I found what I found. Were his tears an admission of guilt? I truly love him. I don’t know if this is grounds for a break up or if there’s a way to fix it?

Eve

Dear Eve,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re going through a rough time right now. Betrayal is a very difficult thing to deal with, and also very difficult to recover from.

Curiosity is what drives people to snoop through their hosts’ medicine cabinet when they are staying for a visit. Suspicion is what drives people to snoop through their partner’s phone. We totally understand why you went through his phone, but once you do something like that there’s no going back. But we hardly call that a betrayal. Yes, maybe a breach of trust, but not a betrayal. Why? Because unfortunately you found the information you were looking for, proving that he’s been doing “something” behind your back.

We interpret his tears as you do: an admission of guilt. But they’re also likely tears of fear, possibly because he’s scared that you’ll break up with him. They could also be tears of sadness because although he cares for you, he ultimately knows that something isn’t right between the two of you.

Is his betrayal grounds for a breakup? That’s up to the two of you Eve.

Some questions you have to ask yourself:

Do I believe his story?

Can I trust him again?

Do I believe he won’t do this again?

Does he truly love me in the way I want to be loved?

What drove him to do this, and is that particular thing something that can be addressed?

What kind of man do I want to be in a relationship with?

Am I able to forgive him and move past this?

Eve, there are no rules here. People break up for much less, and people stay together after enduring much more. It’s all a matter of what you can handle, and what’s right for you and your boyfriend. We would suggest you start talking about these difficult, but important issues. You might possibly need a third party to get involved to help facilitate the conversation. (A professional counselor possibly.) Either way it all starts with talking. (One thing to consider. While you’re trying to sort out all of these questions you might want to steer clear of the physical side of your relationship. That’s only going to confuse you.)

Good luck. Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question. We’ll respond in the comments section.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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