Why is he secretive?

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Dear Guys,

I am a 23 year old woman and my boyfriend is 25. We have been together for two years, and since I am currently a hard-up student nurse, we each live separately with our parents. For the most part we have a good and happy relationship.

However, my boyfriend has a general pattern of secretive behavior. I’m not entirely sure whether this is peculiar to him or our relationship.

Recently I attended a work funtion with him at the races. Some of his friends from work were also there with their girlfriends. I was chatting with these women when my boyfriend approached, and one of the girls latched on to him immediately. She said to him, “We had a great time when we went out clubbing before didn’t we? We should definitely do it again!” Since he’d never mentioned this girl and I didn’t know they had a prior association, I looked at him puzzled. I ignored it and continued to socialize with the group. Clearly, my boyfriend realized I had noticed this and kept bugging me and saying, “What’s wrong?! Talk to me?!” Even though I showed no signs of being upset and had no intention of discussing anything until there was an appropriate moment. Eventually I said “Look, it just bothered me a bit that you’d never mentioned socializing with those other girls or going out on those nights at all.”

Quite inapropriately defensive and accusatory at this point, he told me that he had covered it up because he thought I might be upset. I’ll make it clear at this point that I have never had any problems with him having nights out with the guys or whoever – it had just never been an issue for me. At points I have even encouraged him to get out and do it since I’d noticed he hadn’t for a while! Yet he’d anticipated it might upset me and went quite out of his way to hide it from me.

He also said that he often lied to me about how much he had to drink on nights out. For a long time he’s been telling me that he seems to have a bad reaction to alcohol after just a few pints at the most.  I’ve nursed him through many a horrible hangover. I’ve never had a problem with his drinking either, and I drink plenty myself, especially on a night out.

I felt wounded and humiliated and accused. Wounded to have been lied to and not trusted to be understanding or accommodating of his social needs. Humiliated to be finding out from other people. Accused of holding him to standards I’ve never held or expressed – of unreasonable reactions I’ve never had.

I am at a loss. I am now questioning the motivation for his (what seem to me, pointless) cover-ups and lies. I would be very interested to have some male insight into this! Is it reasonable to expect that a man might be secretive about such things for other reasons, or is it possible he’s hiding it because he’s up to no good? Is he hiding the extent of his drinking because he fears my thinking him irresponsible, or because he in fact is irresponsible?

Please help!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly your boyfriend feels the need to hide things from you, and this says more about him than it does about your relationship, since you say you’ve been pretty supportive about him going out with his friends. So the question is: Why does he feel the need to be secretive? We see two possible reasons.

First Possible Reason:

Some guys have this idea that women in general can’t handle the truth. They have this antiquated notion that women are clingy, jealous creatures, best kept in the dark when it comes to “Boys night out.” This type of guy can be found at the local pub, downing pints, and laughing and complaining with his buds about his girl, all the while conspiring to come up with a good story to tell her when he gets home.

Second Possible Reason:

He’s doing things he shouldn’t be doing. We’re not saying he’s actually cheating on you, but he could be doing things he knows he shouldn’t be doing. And of course everyone’s definition of cheating is different. Some people consider flirting cheating, while for some it takes actual intercourse to breach the contract of a relationship.

But what bothers us the most is the way he reacted to you after you told him how you felt about being kept in the dark. He was clearly busted, and so instead of admitting it, and asking for forgiveness, or at least for a chance to explain it to you, he tried to deflect and put it all on you. This is not the greatest example of solid communication, and it’s not the type of behavior that’s going to help you solve other problems in the future.

Relationships are built on trust. And trust is exactly what’s missing from your relationship. If you want this relationship to move forward, the two of you need to start having some serious discussions about how you deal with problems, and the best way to communicate with each other.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Boyfriend who has a history of doing unsavory things

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Hi Guys,

I originally posted this in the wrong section of your website.  Here it is again, in the correct section.  I really need your help on this one, Guys!  Thanx!…

From THE GUYS: We’re assuming names have been changed.

My 44 y/o boyfriend “Joe” and I have been together for 6 months (and known each other for 1 1/2 years. My boyfriend has been “friends” with “Diane” (approx 48 years old) for 15 years (SHE is the step sister of his ex-wife – – Needless to say, the exW and my bf hate eachother, and “Diane” and the step sis hate eachother as well. Yet… Joe and Diane CONTINUE to remain “friends”.

Problems I’m having are these:

1) My boyfriend’s friend is married and has had a VERY rocky marriage.  She continually COMPLAINS ABOUT her current husband WITH my boyfriend. What if this girl is “sexually promiscuous” toward/with my boyfriend????

Diane and Joe say “no, we’re just friends”… I HAVE DIFFICULTY BELIEVING IT, AND CAN’T SEEM TO GET OVER THESE THOUGHTS. Yes, I lack TRUST in him.  Why?  Because of his track record with women… 2 divorces, cheated on first wife 20 yrs ago, used this other woman over the past 3 years for oral sex, and pretty much admitted he used her even though he wasn’t attracted to her.

2) He is VERY protective of this “Diane” friend of his. I can’t say ONE thing about her, or he will jump all over me verbally until I understand that it’s “not my place” to get involved in THEIR relationship.

3) She AND he keep ME out of THEIR relationship. I don’t understand WHY I am not allowed in… In fact, I DON’T even WANT to be part of it, because I DON’T THINK “THEIR RELATIONSHIP” should exist. I THINK THEIR “RELATIONSHIP” is a totaly disrespectful of my relationship with my BF. Am I wrong????

4) Those two call each other daily. They visit each other’s houses atleast 1x/week and supposedly “talk” and “discuss” whatever it is they “discuss” (apparently she vents about her drug addictions, problems with her husband, etc…). Anyway, NEITHER Joe NOR Diane see these daily phone calls/weekly visits as disrespectful of the relationship between my bf and I.

5) She can’t stand me… absolutely dislikes me immensely. She’s told him this. He doesn’t defend “us”. I feel totally insulted, hurt, and disrespected… it’s disgusting to even think about.

Anyway, please let me know what you think of all of this.
What do I do to resolve all of this?

I’ve suggested “all three” of us talking about this, getting it all out in the open. My boyfriend says, “Absolutely NOT!”.

Thanx,

Ariana

P.S. ….Note to self: As I write this, I wonder, don’t I think enough of myself to NOT be with this man?  What am I doing?  Do I NOT respect myself enough, that I ACCEPT this stuff?

P.P.S. He says he “loves” me about 5-8 times a day.  I say it too.  He calls me every day, we visit eachother every day… we eat dinner together and hang out and talk, watch t.v., laugh, talk about work, say I love you, hug alot, hold hands, and even dance together. But I’m utterly LOST and confused.  I’m also AFRAID he’ll have sex with this “Diane” friend (if he hasn’t already over their “15 yr” so-called “friendship”

Oh, and WHY do I love this guy?  I love ALL the “OTHER” parts of him… except the “unsavory” stuff I mentioned above.  I try not to think about it – - it’s not easy.  I love his hugs and kisses, his softness toward me, the laughs we have, coffee together every morning, the sex, our dancing together, our long talks, and beautiful dinners at home together.  …I love just about EVERYTHING about Joe, except the crummy stuff (if that makes ANY sense).  I suppose one can’t separate the good from the bad, cuz it is all one package.  That’s why I’m so conflicted.

Where do I go from here, Guys.  What do I do?  What OF this DIANE chick?  Why does he choose such a “broken”, “messed up” (to use his words) friend as DIANE to be his BEST Friend (other than me, his supposed girlfriend)?

Too many questions, sorry, but this all hurts so much.  I feel SO conflicted.  I feel like I have no respect for myself, and well… I SHOULD.

Dear Ariana,

Thanks for writing to us.

We see multiple issues going on here. First of all you’ve only been dating “Joe” for six months. And while that is plenty of time to become very close, it pales in comparison to all the history he has with his friend “Diane.” They’ve known each other for 15 years, and have been through a lot of trying times together, which has brought them closer together, however unhealthy it may seem to you.

We commend “Joe” for sticking with his friend, even though it’s clear that she has many issues she needs to work through. (And those issues are way beyond the scope of what we talk about here.) It sounds like they need each other at this point, and maybe through their shared history, they actually help support one another. Remember, this friendship, or relationship, has been going on long before you were in the picture, so it would take a lot to supplant it. Your best approach is to try to understand it and get him to tell you why he values the relationship so much without accusing him, although it may be too late for this since it’s been such a source of discourse between the two of you.

Further more, there’s nothing wrong with a friend of the opposite sex as long as it doesn’t impinge on the primary relationship. However, in your case we agree with you; his relationship with her is starting to impact your relationship because of the close emotional ties he has with her. These ties don’t allow him to be truly open to someone new, but maybe he wants it that way. That’s a larger issue that also needs to be resolved. Why is this relationship so important to him, to the point where he refuses to include you and compromise any aspect of it?

We can’t speak to the physical aspect of their relationship. He says there’s nothing going on and you still wonder. So what’s that all about? Yes, his history is a bit “storied” but people can change. Sure some guys are serial cheaters, but sometimes it’s the situation that brings out that side of people. We don’t condone cheating on any level, but we understand that people are human, and sometimes when people feel trapped, or overwhelmed the behave in unsavory ways. It is true that once you cheat it’s easier to cheat again, but we also know guys who’ve cheated once and wouldn’t do it again. (So they say.) If you’re going to be in a relationship with this guy you have to accept his past and keep it in the past. You have to accept him for who he is now, because all of his past has defined him and made him the man you love—yes, even his moments of weakness with the “other” girl. If he is actually cheating on you currently that’s a whole other story. If that ends up being the case, then by all means you should move on immediately.

Ariana, you need to have trust in your relationship to be able to go the distance. You tell us all the reasons you love this man, but at the same time you don’t trust him at all. That’s quite a disparity, and no way to conduct, or advance a relationship. All it’s doing is making you confused, upset, anxious, and stressed out. And if it continues it will slowly whittle away your self-esteem, and cause resentment and anger. And it goes from there.

So, you need to get him talking. (Maybe couples counseling) If you can’t get him to understand where you’re coming from, and also understand where he’s coming from, we only see this relationship continuing in the same way it’s continuing. All this peripheral stuff: his friendship, his past actions, his stubborness, are all symptoms of larger issues going on for you and him. And in some ways you both seem like you’re struggling with some of the same things: self-worth and trust in other people.

Finally, sometimes relationships don’t work out simply because they are too hard. Meaning, sometimes there are so many things to deal with that the good times are constantly overshadowed by the weight of all the other issues. At some point you need to evaluate this relationship and decide if it’s going to work for you, and him. Love isn’t always enough. (And we hate to say that, because we believe in fairy tales as much as the next guy.)

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, and/or question. And feel free to ask another question down the road.

THE GUYS

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How to start a long distance relationship?

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

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____________________________

Dear Guys,

I recently met a man and really hit it off with him, even though we only spent about a week together. The problem is he lives a two hour plane ride away. We’ve kept in touch via texting and it’s been getting very suggestive. I want to see if this could potentially be a relationship but is he just in it for phone/cyber sex? I’m not sure if I should go with it and see what happens or back off?
Thanks!

Olivia

Dear Olivia,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s hard to say what this guy wants. But if you’re really interested in pursuing this more you need to get to know him much better.

The first way to do this is talk to him as much as possible. We know that texting-especially of the suggestive nature-can be fun, but it’s keeping the relationship in the fantasy realm which is always sexy and seductive, but not going to help you gather the information you need to figure out if you want to pursue a relationship with him. And since you live a good distance from each other you need to up the actual conversation to find out more about him-his friends, interests, job, family- and then hopefully find out about what he wants-casual relationship, committed relationship, marriage, or a fling.

Of course ultimately the best way to find out about him is to get together in person. You don’t mention how the two of you met but we assume from your cautious tone that maybe you met online. It doesn’t seem like he’s a friend of a friend or anything like that. So if you do get together maybe it should be on your terms and your turf. If he’s really interested he’ll be willing to do whatever he can to see you, which includes abiding by the guidelines you set.

If you really want to explore this but don’t feel you know him well enough, then have him stay at a hotel while he visits you. That way he’s not actually staying with you while he visits. You always have the option of inviting him to stay, but at least this doesn’t throw you into an uncomfortable position of having to move faster than you’re ready to. It’s also not a bad thing to proceed with a little caution since you don’t know him that well.

If for some reason you decide to visit him, we suggest the same thing. You should stay with a friend in that city, or at a hotel, just so you can have a little bit of separation for you to think, and remove yourself from the intensity that is part of any long distance relationship, and any “activities” he may be encouraging you to engage in.

But first and foremost start talking to him as much as possible. If he resists or doesn’t seem like he wants to put the time into really getting to know you, then he probably is looking for just a hook up.

Keep us posted. And good luck.

THE GUYS

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Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

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Dating a Younger Guy

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Can this grow into something more?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

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TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

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This week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Dear Guys,

I’m not in a serious relationship with anybody right now and I didn’t think I wanted to be in a relationship with anyone either when I started talking to this guy I met at school in October.  He is 21 and I’m 20. We started hanging out at school during our free time. I think he is a great person, and we both recently got out of some pretty serious relationships about a year and a half ago.

We text almost every day and he will call me every once in a while. (But there’s always a “but.”)

When we started hanging out we kind of let each other know it wasn’t anything serious. It was more of a way to be safe instead of “hanging out” with many different people. So we have had sexual relationships but we know we aren’t a couple. We have known each other for 7 months now and we have gotten to know each other better. When we had the winter break and spring break from school we still stayed in contact and tried to hang out. We talk about our past relationships; we even argue… we’re comfortable with each other. He shows he cares about me with little details; he calls me names like baby or babe, stays up talking to me at night, waited till 12 am exactly to call me on my birthday. When we meet up at school before he leaves he hugs me and tells me he wished he could stay longer, even when we are just hanging out. I rest my head on his shoulder and he kisses my forehead gently and tells me he enjoys spending time with me.

The problem is he sometimes takes forever to answer me after I text him; or sometimes he will stop answering all together. When I tell him about it he just replies he doesn’t really like texting. But I guess you figured out that’s not my biggest problem. I feel like I’m getting mixed signals from this guy and I started feeling attracted to him more than just sexually. When I tried ending it before I got hurt and he tried to stop me. And when I told him there were other girls he could meet, he kept telling me he didn’t want to be with another girl.

So I guess my questions are, does he want something more with me or is he just used to the idea of us being together without actually being a couple? Or is he just too lazy to go find another girl that will agree to be in a committed booty call with him?

Karen

Dear Karen,

Thanks for writing to us.

When a relationship starts one way and then morphs into something else, it is often accompanied by confusion, especially when one person wants the relationship to change into something more serious, and the other person is happy with the way things are.

It’s nice to have a guy friend who you can feel “safe” with and hang out with, but once you add sex into the equation things change, and often get more complicated. Men are better able to separate sex from emotion than woman. Your guy could really love your friendship, enjoy having sex with you, but still not be in love with you. For women, it’s not so easy to compartmentalize, and that’s why this relationship has changed for you and not necessarily for him.

From what you say, it’s clear he has strong feelings toward you, but based on what we know about guys, it’s not clear exactly what those feelings are. So trying not to sound like a broken record, you need to tell him things have changed for you and that you want this to be an exclusive relationship-boyfriend and girlfriend. There’s no need to try and be casual about it, things have gone way beyond that. Just sit him down, preferably somewhere besides the bedroom, and tell him how you feel; and ask him how he feels. This will not be a one time conversation. He’ll need time to percolate, and think about things. This might take a few conversations. But in the meantime stop having sex with him until this is resolved. No need to make things harder and more confusing than they already are.

As far as his lack of communication, and the fact that he doesn’t get back to you, that’s a separate issue and one that can be addressed after you get the main issue resolved. However, don’t brush this under the carpet. This is not a little thing. Guys may think they have a hall pass when it comes to communicating, but we don’t. And if your guy makes excuses why he doesn’t get back to you, you need to call him on it. Remember, the relationship has to work for you too, and both parties must listen, compromise, and work through important issues. It takes work to be in a relationship. Maybe that doesn’t sound sexy or romantic, but actually nothing is sexier than a trusting relationship with good communication, because that transfers over to every aspect of the relationship including the bedroom, if you know what we’re trying to say!

So take the risk Karen. Either way you’ll have your answer. Hopefully it will work out the way you hope. And if not, on to greener pastures.

All the best,

THE GUYS

 

 

 

Is he stubborn or just not into me?

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This Week’s Questions:

The Gym Guy: Is he interested?

Sex after child

Last week’s questions:

Men and their Guy Trips

Did he ever care at all?

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Questions to come:

Confusion?

Am I being played?

Is he playing me?

Dear Guys,

I met this guy in like August or September and he still occasionally texts me to hang out-not everyday, but like a couple times in a week. But then he won’t text me for a while.

He does a lot of things that confuse me a bit, but recently he does this thing where he will text me to hang out and I’ll say, “Yeah.” And then after my response he won’t text me back. What is the point of that? He’s done that two or three times, and the most recent time I turned him down cause I was working. Another time I just didn’t see his text, so I responded a few days later when I saw it.

Sooo is it possible he thinks I’m playing him and he’s doing it in return? Because I do have a history of being flaky with him, but not recently.

Kate

Dear Kate,

Thanks for writing to us.

We have a question for you. Why do you two only text with this guy? It seems to us that you need to do less texting and more actual talking.

Yes, some of his actions are confusing, but to us, the way both of you are conducting yourselves in this “relationship” seems confusing. Texting in general often leads to misunderstanding. Please talk to him by phone or in person and square some things away.

And Kate, you need to decide if you’re really into this guy, or just into him right now. It’s not like your getting a whole lot from him. If you really are into him start talking to him about how you feel, and see if you can get some information from him about where he stands. If you’re not really that into him, find someone who is going to be more reliable. Reliability is an important quality to have in a partner. It’s a first cousin of trust.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Help: Sex after child

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If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Last week’s questions:

Men and their Guy Trips

Did he ever care at all?

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Questions to come:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

Confusion?

Am I being played?

Is he playing me?

Jealousy

Dear Guys,

My husband and I have been together for five years.  We recently had a baby girl.  Things between us started getting pretty bad when I became pregnant, and it seems like its been a steady decline ever since.

Before we became pregnant we had a pretty wild sex life.  I was never the jealous type, and we’ve shared our bed with other women on occasion.
Right around the time that I was 5 months pregnant our sex life came to a halt.  I didn’t know what to think.  He had also gotten a promotion at work that forced him to work crazy hours.  I didn’t know whether it was me and my growing belly that he was uninterested in or just stress from work.  Then I caught him masturbating to porn.  A silly thing that never would have bothered me before hurt me so badly.  I tried to ask him why he wouldn’t just come to me and why he would do that behind my back and he told me that he thought sex with me was “gross” and “creepy” because I was carrying our child.

I became so depressed and jealous, he made me feel so undesirable and made no effort to make me feel otherwise despite my sharing my feelings with him. He stopped telling me I was beautiful, he would come home from work and act like I wasn’t even there, and he would look at porn behind my back.  He rarely showed any concern for my feelings.  He even told me I was crazy because of my hormones.

So I made it through my pregnancy, and was really hoping that things were going to change.  I went right back to my pre-pregnancy shape and weight and really tried to jump start our sex life.  I’ve done everything I could think of; I was even giving him bjs “on demand”.  We have had sex three times in four months.  I find myself fantasizing about other men, having dreams about other men, and the less we are intimate, the more it happens.  His lack of interest in me (but continued interest in masturbating) really pisses me off and it is severly affecting our relationship.  Lately in addition to the lack of sex, there has been a major lack of communication.  It feels like I have to fight with him to get a little conversation going. What is up???

Jensi

Dear Jensi,

Thanks for your question.

We answered this question on our most recent podcast.

But for the record, many men find pregnancy to be very sexy, especially if it’s their own wife.

Please listen for our detailed answer on our podcast.

Episode 32: Money, Food, Couples, and Finance

Thanks,
THE GUYS

ps. Readers, please leave a comment. Your input is helpful to all people visiting this forum. Scroll down to where the same question is displayed in archive. (Right at the top.) Click to leave a comment. Thanks.

Did he ever care at all?

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Monday’s Question:

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Last week’s questions:

Is cheating ex playing me?

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Relationship Advice: Committed or not committed?

Four Years of Mixed Messages

Dear Guys,

So long story short. After 9 months of being friends with a guy I finally got the nerve to tell him I liked him. I was tired of him staring at me and acting awkward, not knowing where we stood. We have hooked up but it wasn’t until after about 5 months and we still spoke after.

Any way I said that to him because I didn’t want to have any regrets. His answer was, “It’s okay. Listen, we did what we did. No one got hurt. It’s not  awkward at work. No one had to break up. And I’m moving to Canada next year(hockey).” I just said I understood. And like I said it was just something I wanted to say even though I knew what he was going to say.

I need to move on. But the whole time we were friends both of us had fun, got along, weren’t too clingy, and always gave ample space to have our own lives. So I just don’t fully get his answer. Did he care at all about me? I would rather be told “I don’t like you” vs having someone show me all signs pointing to caring about me but then saying that.

I know this is silly but it’s bugging me a little. I don’t know if this matters but last year he had a crappy breakup and was dumped.

Thanks for your help!

Blake

Dear Blake,

Thanks for writing to us. Your question is not silly. We totally understand how you might be feeling.

Let’s discuss the hooking up part first from a guy’s perspective.

Maybe this is true for women too, but a guy can separate sex and emotion pretty easily. Meaning, just because a guy wants to have sex with a woman, and is physically attracted enough to do that, doesn’t necessarily mean he wants anything more. He might want more, but having sex isn’t how he would show that. (He would show it by taking the woman out to dinner, giving her presents, and introducing her to all his friends and family.)

And we see this all the time. A man and woman are hanging out enjoying each others company over a course of months. They act like boyfriend and girlfriend, but nothing has actually been discussed about it. The woman starts to feel like something is developing beyond friendship and the man isn’t thinking that at all. (It could be reversed as well, but not as common because women express themselves more than guys do, so a guy would more likely know where he stood with a woman.) Anyway, once “hooking up” is added to the equation the waters get very murky, and now you have a situation like you’re facing.

It’s not that he’s blowing you off, or that he didn’t care about you, it’s just that the two of you never really talked about it. So it seems like all of a sudden the two of you are 180 degrees apart, when actually it may have been that way from the start.

If you truly don’t want to have any regrets you need to talk to him more. Don’t pretend this doesn’t bother you when it does. And don’t try to be cool. You won’t get what you want from life by being cool. You will get what you want by speaking up and going for it. It’s obvious you’re into this guy, so tell him what you really want. What’s the worst that could happen? He moves to Canada without you like he was going to do anyway.

We know this is hard Blake, but that’s what we think you should do. At least you’ll get the answer you’re looking for. And you know what? It’s possible after talking to him, something might develop. You won’t know until you go for it 100%.

Good luck. We wish you well.

Take care,

THE GUYS

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

However, we will give priority to any question accompanied by a small donation. Click the Paypal button to the right to support the guys. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

Last week’s questions:

Is cheating ex playing me?

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Relationship Advice: Committed or not committed?

Four Years of Mixed Messages

Dear Guys,

I hope you get to respond to this one.  I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and a few months.  I am 32 and he will be 40 next month.  He’s the first and only guy I “knew” and he was the one about 6-7 months into the relationship.  We’ve both had previous relationships.  I also made it clear in those first 6 months that I was not dating him to be his girlfriend forever.  He understood.  We knew we loved each other, so I thought everything was fine.  But then a year and half into our relationship, my sister had some marital problems which kind of prompted me to bring up marriage with him.  I mentioned, or asked, to try to confirm that he did want to get married and have kids.  He made some joke about how I couldn’t handle a kid because I’d drop it, since I’m so careless. I pressed it and he got very uncomfortable, and asked me where “all this” was coming from.  Then he went MIA on me for a week.

We talked the following week and he said how he shouldn’t have gone MIA but that he wasn’t on any timeline.  I said that was fine, since I thought that it was only a year and half into our relationship.  But then around the 2.5 year mark, I started to ask him when I would meet his parents and how I wanted to come over his place.  He was dealing with a very sick dad who passed away last year and basically took care of his parents, changed his dad, fed him, etc. you get the picture.  He always seemed so stressed over working (he has his own law practice) and caring for his dad, that I didn’t want to stress him out, so I didn’t push things like pressing him to get married. But after 2.5 years or so I really wanted to meet more than his best friend, who I didn’t even see regularly.

Anyway, when I asked if I could come over and help, his response was nice but was like, “Babe, my house is a circus between taking care of my dad and all, what would you do?”  I told him I could distract his mom and keep her company.  Then I asked that I would meet his parents right?  He said of course I would but the time just wasn’t right right now.

After 2.5 years whenever I brought up marriage, he got very uncomfortable.  Then his dad died in January last year and  I brought it up around June, asking again when I would meet his mom(not about marriage per se)and his response was like, “Babe, I’m depressed, I cant even think straight. How can I answer that?”  So last year, everything was about how depressed he was.  But my question is, “Can a death in the family prevent someone who wants to be with you to marry you?”  I mean, its always something or another it seems with him, yet he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me and has run away from other relationships for lesser things so that the fact that he’s still here trying to work it out should show me how much he wants this to work.

Anyway, I almost broke up with him last November but he wouldn’t let me and said he would try harder.  I still haven’t met his mom formally, I ran into her at the mall with him and he introduced me to him, his brother and nieces, and his sister as a friend.  He says he wants things to be better before he introduces me to them formally but I told him I need him to do something to feel better, take some action to further the relationship not just wait it out hoping to feel better.

So he agreed to meet my sister and brother in law last week when they were in town for an hour.  The first half hour went fine, light talk, but he flipped out when my sister lightly asked, “So..what are your plans,” responding very defensively to her that that was our decision and he didn’t appreciate being interrogated.

Now he hasn’t called me in a week, even after I tried to call him down after that meeting and told him not to pull the MIA thing again.  And even after recognizing that his response was overblown and that I should be the one who was offended at the way he came across to my family.  Instead, I got a text from him saying how he was sorry he had not called but that he was “deeply troubled” and did not want to say something he regretted and that!
hopefully we could talk in a few days.

WTF? Deeply troubled because my sister asked about our future plans since we’ve been dating for 4 years?  Whats his deal?

G

Dear G,

Thanks for your question. To use your own words, we are deeply troubled by this.

We’re not sure even where to start, but how about with his father passing away. First of all our condolences.  Having to take care of a sick parent, and then having to watch them die, is very difficult. That’s a situation that could easily cause your boyfriend to be severely stressed, and depressed. Everyone reacts differently to these types of situations. Typically, people want to be consoled by the people they are closest to. Often these types of situations draw people closer together, not push them farther apart. However, some people need space to deal with their grief-like your boyfriend-and it’s important you honor that. It sounds like you have.

However, we don’t think that’s what’s going on here. We unfortunately agree with your assessment: There will always be something with this guy. And his reaction to your sister, and then his subsequent action-going MIA again-is telling. What does you sister think? What does she say?

It’s also telling that he hasn’t wanted to introduce you to his parents. Most people who are serious about their prospective partner want their partner to meet their family, if not for the simple reason of letting their family know they are serious about the relationship they are in. This is a red flag.

We know this is very hard. It’s obvious you love this man, but are you really getting what you need out of this emotionally? You keep asking him to give you some sort of sign that he’s committed for the long term and all you get are deflections. If after four years he’s still not sure, he probably will never be sure about your relationship and you.

Contrary to popular belief, guys can commit to a relationship. Usually we know right away how committed we want to be. It’s a combination of where we are in our lives, how comfortable we are with ourselves, and how attracted we are to the woman….plus a few other variables like does the woman get along with our friends, is she fun, is she smart, and is the sex good. Four years is a long time to be unsure, especially since neither of you are in your early twenties.

We hope this gets you thinking a bit. You have to keep talking to him. Communication is so important in a relationship. You are not being too pushy here. You deserve to know the truth. And if he can’t provide the answers you’re looking for, you’re going to have to make the decision to stay or go yourself.

Good luck. Don’t settle. You deserve to have someone who loves you and respects you the way you want to be loved and respected.

THE GUYS

Is cheating ex playing me?

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Next Up:

Four years and counting

Did he care at all?

Break up confusion

Dear Guys,

My ex cheated and said he wanted me back, but he barely makes an effort to do so. When I say I don’t want to see him, he goes about his day and doesn’t even try to persuade me to come over to talk. He doesn’t even call. I’ve asked him to go to counseling-he refuses, but continues to ask me out. I tell him we need to fix the root cause of our problems and not ‘bandaid’ everything.

Now he is ignoring me since I wouldn’t meet him at the pub last night, as if he’s punishing me. I love him, but without his cooperation, what else can I do?? Thanks!

Laura

Dear Laura,

Thanks for writing to us.

Unfortunately the answer to your question is nothing. Without his commitment to working on himself and the relationship, your hands are tied.

People have to want to change. They have to want to take the steps necessary to get the things they want. If he’s not working on himself and making some changes then maybe his actions are telling you something.

Sometimes it takes much larger consequences for people to make changes. Maybe he doesn’t feel the need to change because he knows you’re always going to keep giving him chances?

And what about the cheating? Have you found out why he cheated on you in the first place? Has he apologized and asked for forgiveness? Have you seen any remorse from him?

Laura, you have to decide what you want and be clear to yourself and him. If you want him back but only if you go to counseling together, then you need to say that to him. If you want just him to go to counseling then you need to be clear with him. Just be aware if you go this route, you need to be prepared for any possible scenario. And one possible scenario is that he might leave for good.

Our suggestion. Give this some thought and decide what you want out of your relationship. If you feel that the two of you can work something out, and that you can learn to trust him again, then by all means give it a shot. But relationships involve more than one person, and you shouldn’t be doing all the work. Obviously you value your relationship, but does he? We can’t answer that, only you can….and him.

Good luck.

THE GUYS

My first love has returned

Read Past Question: Is my marriage over? (More in the archives)

Next Question we’ll be answering: Four years of mixed messages

More questions on the way this week. If you’re waiting for your question to be answered, thanks for your patience. We have many we’re trying to answer.

Dear Guys,

My first love of 24 years ago found me on Facebook and long story short, we found that we both never stopped loving, pining, and thinking about the other; though we both moved on with our lives and married-him 3 times and me once. He is now divorced and I am widowed. We live 4-5 hrs away from each other and I am a full time premed student taking care of my terminally ill father. He has 2 jobs and a very young daughter with cancer, just starting to recover. Yes, we have a lot going on. We love each other and both agreed to take it slow, but are both getting very frustrated with the separation.

It’s been 6 months and we still haven’t seen each other. Our text/talk time has decreased dramatically since he got his second full time job, and since my dad took ill. I have more time on my hands than him, but less money, to go see him and visa versa. I am old fashioned and think the guy should make the effort and I think he keeps dropping hints and asking me am I in his town yet. At first I thought he was joking until he said it 4 months later with more passion. I am thinking I should go and treat it like a blind date and make all the arrangements for myself the first time and then discuss the handling of future visits with him. Is this thinking okay? Will I hurt his ego if I did that?

I sent him gifts 3 times in the beginning of our relationship and he was bothered by it. He said he felt as if he owed me, which I have no idea what that means. I once visited his town a few weeks after that conversation, just passing through overnight and he was offended that I didn’t connect with him since I was so close. I didn’t because if he was offended with the gifts then maybe he would be offended with me providing the hotel room also. I am so confused. I tried to have this talk with him and he said I could have asked him. Can you please advise me how to proceed without hurting his ego. I know he thinks if I love him enough I would make a real effort to see him, I just feel trapped in how to make that happen. Thanks. We are so stressed out! Two things to note: we are both very clear that we want this to end in marriage when I graduate from undergrad and before I enter med school (2yrs) and second that we are in an exclusive relationship and trust eachother fully. We have never argued, brought up or debated about others involvement in our relationship. Its always about lack of time and communication, which scares me but we are trying.

T

Dear T,

Thanks for writing to us. Let’s see if we can help you sort this out.

First of all, there’s a big difference between giving gifts and visiting someone. We can see why he felt a little funny with you giving him three gifts early on in your reconnection. You probably felt so excited and wanted to express those feelings to him. That’s understandable. But getting a gift from someone can be interpreted in many different ways. He likely interpreted it differently than you intended.

But we don’t see a problem with you visiting him. Because how else will the two of you figure out if you really want to be together? You say the plan is to get married someday but how do you really know until you spend some extensive time together? We recommend as many visits as possible, at least as much as your busy schedules and wallets/pocketbooks can support.

But please don’t surprise him or make arrangements without talking to him first. Maybe you could come up with a plan that would work for both of you. Maybe you could visit each other every two/three weeks, alternating between you going there, and him coming to your place. That way you both feel you’re on even ground. And you both can share in the expenses. He shouldn’t have to carry the burden of paying for all the trips, but we hope that he might offer to pay when you actually go out together for dinner or some other nighttime activity. Your situation is not the typical “meet someone, get to know them, first date, second dated scenario.” So some of the normal rules of dating don’t totally apply.

As far as him taking the initiative: On the one hand you say the guy should take the first initiative, but on the other hand you seem to be someone who likes to get the ball rolling. So you have to sort that out within yourself. This is less about what guys should do, and more about two different people with two different personalities. Is he typically someone who initiates, or is he a “wait and see” kind of guy? His personality will determine his actions more than just being a guy. Your personality will determine yours.

We do think you two need to step up the phone talk a bit. It doesn’t have to be every day, but enough that you feel like you’re on the same page about these issues. It’s easy to avoid talking about real issues because you’re so elated to have reconnected, but you have to make the relationship as real as possible within the constraints of your situation. And the best way to do that is talk, talk, talk. Sure you should enjoy the butterfly feeling of meeting your long lost love again, but all of those feelings need to be grounded in solid communication.

Best of luck to you. It’s exciting that you found each other after all of these years.

THE GUYS

Long distance relationship

Dear Guys,

I have been dating this guy that lives in AZ for the last 4 months. I’m in California. We get alone well and seem to enjoy each other’s company when we get together almost every other weekend.

But now I’m not seeing him for a month. So I like to talk on the phone every day. For me it helps keep us closer. Lately he hasn’t been very crazy about talking too much or too long. I understand because sometimes we talk at 1am-2am.

So I guess I would like to know how to approach this and what kind of ideas you have to make this time apart more fun. Or give some suggestions on ways to cope with the distance.  In a way, I guess more for me, since I seem to be the one who he needs more reinforcement with love or attention. This is hard at times, but when we see each other it’s good and worth it…thank you!

Patricia

Dear Patricia,

Thanks for writing.

Long distance relationships, are by nature more difficult than a regular relationship. Both people have to be even more diligent about keeping in close contact and being sensitive to the other person’s needs. Otherwise the bond can lose some of its elasticity.

Insecurities can also mount for one person or both, because the comfort of knowing your partner will be home for dinner every night isn’t there. And when insecurities enter into the equation the imagination-or maybe not the imagination-can start to run wild…….What’s he doing? Is he out at a bar? Are there other women involved? Does he not care about me anymore? Is he cheating? And so it goes.

In your case Patricia it doesn’t sound like he’s doing any of these things. At first he was probably happy to talk with you for hours every day, but trying to sustain that, AND go to work, pay the bills, do the chores, can get to be very difficult. To us, he just sounds like he’s resumed his daily life. That doesn’t mean he’s not into you, but it means that balance has been restored, at least for him. His initial rush of hormones have receded to a more manageable level, and he’s back to taking care of business. Don’t worry, as soon as he sees you, everything will come rushing back. At least we hope!

So here are a few suggestions to help you keep in touch, and have some fun. Try limiting the phone conversations to three long ones per week(1 hour), and then maybe three short ones.(5-10 minutes) That will take some of the pressure off. Get a texting plan. Don’t go crazy. But a few texts sprinkled throughout the day could be fun. Maybe even a few “suggestive” ones to spice things up. (Be aware that it’s easy to keep a record of texts….ala Tiger Woods)

What about a daily email? Or send each other a special gift once a week? Alternate weeks. One week you send him a surprise, and another week he does. Make these little things and not expensive. It’s the thought that counts. Use your imagination. We’re sure you can think of something  creative. (Articles of your clothing-and not one of your jackets!, Something engraved that’s small, movie tickets for when you come visit, etc.) Even an actual written letter is quite romantic and very fun to get! It shows how much you care.

Hang in there Patricia. Women are usually much better at keeping in touch in general, so you might have to do a little more of the prompting. But we just want to throw something out there. We don’t know what your plans are, but after another 2-4 months or so, it’s completely reasonable to ask him where things are going. You can’t have a long distance relationship forever, unless you really like it that way. And the whole goal is to one day be together in the same town, or maybe in the same house, if you love each other!

And one final thought. While you’re apart, you might want to keep yourself busy doing some new things.  A book club. Learn a new language. Take a class. Pick up the guitar. Whatever.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Guy trips, My Space, and that other girl

Dear Guys,

My husband takes an annual celebrity golf trip where no wives are supposed to go. He has told me there is nothing much for us to do. While up there, the men get all meals paid for, comps to strip clubs if they want, and are transported  to local bars in limos everywhere.

The last trip he made before we dated/got married, as this was in the same year, a female friend known to be provocative and an attention grabber, had just broken up again with her fiance and was in the area with six of her friends. She called my now husband and partied with them for about six hours. This same woman left a message on his My Space page when she did know we were dating and about to be engaged. She wrote, “You’re alone, and so am I..  And no engagement is going to change that.. Let’s go out and party one last time before we both walk down the aisle of hell”.

I asked him to take down his page, which he did, and he has also not gone to the golf tournament either. She knows when it is every year and according to my husband, he says there are only six bars in Buffalo anyway, so they would have run into them at some point anyway.. And did I mention this chick hooked up with one of the guys? Am I wrong to ask him to take down his My Space when he is 40 and she was 27 when it happened? Yes it is a trust issue.

This woman left other comments as well to make me think she wanted him. That in conjunction with her behavior made me uneasy. My husband says if he saw her out up there he would leave the bar she was at. I don’t know. He thinks I am wrong because this happened before we were married. And dare I mention that this same chick went out with them to a strip club and had a 40 minute lap dance while he was at a bachelor party? Again another place and time where wives and girlfriends didn’t go.

What do you think?

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Thanks for writing. This is a lot to absorb. We’ll do our best to help you figure this out.

We’re not exactly sure what’s going on by your note, but here’s what we think you’re asking. Should he have taken down his My Space page? Should he not have any interaction with this woman? Or should he not go to any more of these “golf” weekends? Or all of the above?

First of all, this is absolutely a trust issue, mainly on your part. So why are you feeling so unsure about your husband?  Since you’ve been married has your husband given you any reason to doubt his faithfulness? You don’t really say. Jennifer, what happened before you two were exclusive is really none of your business. Well, that’s not totally true, but it’s only your business if it impacts your relationship. Otherwise it’s just part of the many experiences that make your husband who he is. And that’s someone you love, right?

We agree, this woman seems like bad news, at least for your relationship. We don’t know her personally, so she might be a perfectly fine person, but she’s obviously attracted to your husband, or she’s attracted to the fact that he’s not available to her. Either way, he needs to stay away from her and make it clear to her that he’s not interested and not available. Hopefully she’ll get the hint and keep her distance.

Otherwise it doesn’t seem like your husband is really doing anything wrong. Of course many woman wouldn’t be comfortable with him going on a weekend outing, visiting strip clubs, and doing what some guys like to do, but if that’s not a problem for you, it’s not something that’s inherently wrong. As long as he’s not doing anything more than looking and hollering.

His My Space doesn’t seem like a big deal. It’s more a matter of WHY he has one, wouldn’t you say? If he’s trolling for women or keeping his options open, that’s a major problem. But if he’s there to socialize a bit or promote his band, or just because it’s fun, it’s probably harmless enough.

So the the question is, do you trust him?

Jennifer, you two need to have a sit down and hash all this stuff out with him. It will put your mind at ease, and help him understand where you’re coming from. Don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind. You’re entitled to your feelings, but don’t put him on the defensive. Let him have his say too.

Good luck and keep us posted. We hope you get the answers you need.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. To ask THE GUYS a question, go to the “Ask the Guys” page and leave us a note.

Is my relationship over?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating this guy for about 16 months. Things were great in the beginning as they usually are, but fast forward to now and they’re not. It all started when I suggested he visit a guy friend who needed to “talk.” Well, he didn’t come home that night. So, me being the “Leo” sign that I am, I left the house and figured two can play at this game. I went to a graduation party, leaving before he arrived. This of course blew up into a HUGE fight and the outcome was that he wanted out. He was done. We had done this dance before and we would always “kiss and make up.” This time was different. He meant it.

He has a problem with the fact that I’ve kept ties to my ex and his family. I have two boys from my previous marriage, 17 and 15. I consider them all to be family and this eats at my current boyfriend, even though my ex has tried to be friendly with him and talk to him at gatherings.

My boyfriend was also married twice before with two kids from his first wife. He sees the kids only in the summer. Other than that he has no ties with his ex.

So back to my question. At first I agreed we were done. I’m 39 and he’s 38 and we’re too old for games. However, the more I thought about our relationship and what we have overcome, the more I wanted to stay and try again. So I convinced him to stay and give it another go. I of course would need to cut ties to me ex-family and revive our sex life, which has fallen off. However, I’m not sure he really wants to try. He says he does but his actions say otherwise. He used to text me 200 times a day,(Exaggeration)but now he sends me 5 a day, maybe. He stopped letting me know what he is doing to the point to where I don’t know where he is and sometimes whether or not he’s coming home. I told him that if we were to work on our relationship it has to be both our efforts and I don’t see much coming from him.

What’s going on? Do I let the relationship go, even though we agreed to try?

Debbie

Dear Debbie,

Thanks for writing. That’s a lot to digest!

First of all we commend you for having your priorities straight. The fact that you and your ex-husband work hard at maintaining an amicable relationship says a lot about your character. Divorce is never ideal, but it certainly is much more healthy for the kids if the parents are on the same page and are working together.

Your relationship with your current boyfriend seems to be missing an important element that is vital for any relationship: TRUST! For some reason he doesn’t trust you to be with your ex and your previous family, and you to a certain extent don’t trust him to be out with the guys. You don’t mention a reason for him to be suspicious of you so we can only speculate here. Our best guess is your boyfriend has trust issues in general. And frankly it seems odd that he isn’t more understanding of your situation since he is also divorced with kids. Obviously, it must be hard for him to not see his kids for 10 months every year so we can see how he might feel jealous and resentful of your situation. This is not your fault, but something to be aware of.

However, all is not necessarily lost yet. But he needs to show that he really wants to make this work. Right now he’s not doing that. In fact he’s doing his best to push you away and have you make the final decision. If he doesn’t change his behavior very soon, it’s time for you to move on. And honestly, if we were you, we’d already be gone. It just doesn’t sound like the two of you are in the same place in your lives, even if it looks like that on paper.

The good news, and bad, is that your kids will be grown soon. And once they’re settled and on their own, you probably won’t have as much contact with your ex. This might make it easier to get in a less complicated relationship down the road, with a person who might respect you for your loyalty and devotion to your kids. They may even embrace your ex’s family.

So Debbie, please don’t compromise yourself, your values, and your kids to be with this man. If he truly wants to make it work he needs to step up to the plate big time. And then you both need to talk, talk, talk, and try to come to some true understanding of each other. Otherwise we know there are many good guys out there for you to meet. Good luck!

THE GUYS

ps. Zach, her boyfriend left his side of the story in the comments section. Please read to get the entire picture before you make a comment.

To ask us a relationship question, go to the “Ask the Guys” page on the website and leave us a note. We also answer questions on our podcast.

Necessary Conflict

Conflict is a natural byproduct of relationships, because people with ideas and opinions often disagree. Unhealthy conflict can cause blood pressure to rise, and turn sane people into raging lunatics. But healthy conflict is very necessary because it helps us address problems that frankly need to be addressed.

With a natural disaster polluting the ocean, political wars ravaging our hearts, and reality TV littering our airwaves, conflict is everywhere. It happens at the office and it happens at home. It happens on ball fields, highways, supermarkets and airplanes. It’s part of the human experience, and it’s essential for our continued evolution.

Conflict has always been the center of growth and exploration because our need to understand motivates us to address it. Scientists work day and night trying to unlock new sources of alternative energy and new cures for old nemeses. Engineers try to solve intricate mathematical puzzles to erect impossible structures above ground and beneath the ocean floor. And kids look out their windows on clear, star filled nights, wondering how it all happened. Conflict is what awakens our human ingenuity, and gets our wheels churning. And it works better than any synthesized drug on the black market.

Conflict also plays a big part in relationships. Two people inevitably will run into some sort of disagreement over the course of their time together. The big three sources of conflict within most relationships are money, kids and sex. Disagreements happen for quantitative reasons – too little or too much- or for qualitative reasons-how we define the experience. But it’s how we resolve these conflicts that ultimately define our partnership.

Sometimes the answers are easy. “If you give me something, I’ll give you something.” That would be called compromise, and that’s born from communication. Sometimes the answers are not so easy, and might take many conversations in the company of a licensed professional. Because we all come to every situation and relationship with our bag of “stuff.” Not necessarily our bag of karma, although that certainly accompanies us too, but our bag of learned responses that we’ve gathered over the years on this planet. And when our “stuff” clashes with someone else’s “stuff,” conflict happens.

Being more aware of the pitfalls that are part of relationships can help us sort out conflict. Understanding that conflict is inevitable is the first step, because it will help us feel more comfortable with it. Because conflict seems to be something most people avoid like a stranger on a quiet city street, in the late hours of the night. But conflict is something that has to be embraced in order for resolution to happen. It’s not fun, but it can’t be ignored, otherwise it just multiplies and gathers momentum, like the germs scientists work so hard to eradicate.

Life should be enjoyed to the fullest, but that doesn’t mean conflict isn’t present each and every day. But just keep in mind that without conflict billions of years ago, somewhere out in the vast universe, we all might not be here today.

THE GUYS

Would you rather deal with conflict head on or ignore it?

What kind of conflict is worth addressing?

How often do you deal with conflict in your life?

How do you deal with conflict in your primary relationships? Spouse, partner, kids?

Automatic Red Flags?

Dear Guys,

This question was inspired by your post on misogyny, but I don’t think it quite fit into the comments section for me to ask there.

I started talking to a guy that I met through a mutual friend.  Nothing serious.  We were just talking and he let me know that he finds me attractive.  He’s quite a catch what with the curing cancer (he’s a PhD candidate), being super nice, musically talented, and a little bit of a hottie on top of it all.  It had come time to do the big friending on facebook.  This is where I found out the guy is a Tom Leykis fan.  Dun dun dun!  No judgments if someone happens to be a Leykis fan, but I know what he thinks of women and how he instructs others to treat women and quite frankly…I don’t know if I should be heading in the direction of a “dating” relationship with someone that thinks it’s okay.  So we haven’t talked in a couple of weeks.  I kind of pushed him away after finding out that little piece of information.  My question is…was that fair of me?  I’m almost certain that I have interests that could lead people to make the wrong assumptions about me, but should some interests be automatic red flags?  I don’t think there’s any going back now, but for future reference I’d like to get The Guys’ take on this.

Lovy

Dear Lovy,

This is a great question.

We will admit, the first thing we did was look up more on Tom Leykis. It seems he’s made quite a name for himself and garnered quite a following.
And for those of you who aren’t familiar with him, he’s online at Tom Leykis Blog and Tom Leykis on My Space. We’re not promoting him, just giving you a sense of some attitudes toward women that are floating around on the web and on the air.

Lovy, let’s first address your specific situation and then discuss the broader question. At first glance your new guy meets all the criteria many women want in a man. He’s smart, good looking, interesting, cultured and motivated. However, herein lies the problem. Evaluating with a checklist is difficult and not very accurate.  When it comes down to it, these qualities pale in comparison to character, values and outlook on life. Luckily you know that.

We don’t know Tom Leykis personally, so it’s hard to judge what’s truly in his heart. Is he a misogynist? Certainly his on air persona would suggest that he leans this way. And even if he’s not, the fact that he’s willing to take on this persona for ratings and fame is telling enough. So we could see how you would want to tread lightly when seeing a guy who is a fan of his show.

However, you’re reaction was a bit knee-jerk. We think you know that, thus your question to us. Let’s say this same guy was not a Tom Leykis fan, but instead he was way into porn. And you didn’t know this about him. So after dating for a few months, you found an extensive collection-by accident- at his house. How might you view him then? Would you see him as someone who objectifies woman? Or would it be okay with you? Or maybe after getting to know him for a few months, and liking him, you might see it as one small facet of his personality.

Each situation is different for each person. Some people could never date a person affiliated with an opposing political party. Some people get stuck on religion, others on ethnicity. Some people don’t like swearing, other people are uncomfortable with someone who likes to go out a lot. It’s all what people can stomach and feel comfortable with.

It’s clear that this just didn’t work for you, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  And frankly, having said all of the above, this guy’s interest in Tom Leykis would cause us to pause and reevaluate as well. The only thing we might have done differently is had that conversation; if you truly thought he was worth it. You could have always bolted AFTER the conversation too, with a bit more understanding about why he enjoys this guy. And that information might have proved very useful in future encounters and relationships.

Everyone has their automatic red flags. We do. Obviously you do too. And that’s a good thing. It says that you are not willing to settle for the next cute guy. It says that you respect yourself and want to be with someone who respects you. No one should compromise their values just because they feel lonely. Because there is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship with the wrong person.

Thanks for writing.

THE GUYS

ps. TO OUR READERS: Check out Lovy’s writing at: www.bibliophile.sayrawr.com (She’s a talented lady!)

How to have a conversation

From: THE GUYS

People have been coming to our site with questions, and sadly we haven’t had all the answers. Here are some recent examples.

How to take a sophomore to the Prom?

How to talk to a guy after a fight?

How to paralyze someone? (Huh? This still makes us laugh and cringe!)

So to help out our readers, we decided to start our own How To series. Let’s begin.

The art of conversation has taken a nosedive in recent years. Why? We’re out of practice. Technology has had a lot to do with this, since we use our devices to do much of the talking for us. But really the blame lies with us, because we’ve stopped valuing face-to-face communication.

At an early age we learn how to converse from our parents. We observe their body language as they discuss household chores. We watch them handle sensitive topics like who’s night is it to be up with the baby. We see how they argue, and hopefully resolve problems. It’s a complicated and delicate dance for sure, and difficult to learn. But it takes a lot of time and practice. Hopefully this guide will help you become aware of the finer points of good conversation, and get you started on your way to becoming an artful conversationalist, or maybe just a little less boring.

Let’s pretend you’re meeting someone new or you’re on a first date. Here are ten things that might help you keep it interesting, or at least yawn free.

1. Greet the person with a smile. Getting off to the right start is key to having a good conversation. Smiling breaks the ice and lets the person know you’re happy to see them, or at least eager to get to know them. Otherwise they start to think, “Do I have a furry woodland creature coming out of my nose? And I don’t even have a tissue.”

2. Keep eye contact. And that doesn’t mean bore a hole through their head. You don’t want to scare them right away. Save that for later when you tell them about your latest stint in rehab. This means, look at them when they’re speaking, or for that matter, when you’re speaking. And please don’t constantly glance at the big flat screen TV or the cute waiter or waitress. Those are big No Nos!

3. Ask them questions that are relevant. Whether you care about the topic being discussed or not is irrelevant, because the primary goal is to get to know the person better. If they’re discussing Yoga passionately ask them to tell you their morning routine, or what is their favorite pose, or what would be something good for a beginner to try. Don’t ask them to show you Downward-Facing Dog, or what they look like in their outfit, or if all Yoga people use Patchouli, or how does the mat feel on their soft skin. That’s creepy and pretty much a conversation stopper!

4. Don’t redirect. We like to talk about ourselves. And there is nothing wrong with that. However, flipping the conversation to give yourself a platform for pontificating about your Iron Man training or your Dog Grooming business won’t win you a new fan. If you feel it’s relevant to interject a personal experience about the topic at hand that is completely appropriate, but then please redirect back to them. Sorry did I say, don’t redirect?

5. Read their body language. This isn’t always easy, so here are some tips. If the person has tears dripping down their face, it’s best to stop talking about your fascinating Cigar or Porcelain Figurine collections. If they keep looking at their water glass like it should be in the Louvre, it’s best you stop talking about your last partner’s annoying habit of picking the calluses off their feet. And if your friend starts to look at the waiter or waitresses or the big screen TV, even without SOUND, it’s best to ask them a relevant question quickly.

6. Listen. No, for real. Listen!! This doesn’t mean, listen for the first opening to inject some clever quip. This means listen, and show them you are interested in what they’re saying by looking at them(#2), and asking them relevant questions(#3). Listening is an art form in itself. It takes practice. So practice on your buddies, or on your boss, but don’t go out on dates to practice listening, unless you like going on a lot of first dates.

7. Show that you’re interested. This goes along with listening. One way to show interest in what they are talking about is to use their name when you ask them a question. “Jane/Jon, I heard that apples bring on physical reactions during allergy season. Is that true?” Of course they’d better be talking about some sort of homeopathic remedy to ask a question like that. (Remember, keep it relevant!) Using a person’s name is very effective and will immediately tell the person you are focused only on them. Some other obvious things. Eye contact(#2). And body language(#5). Don’t slouch, glance or pick anything. Sit upright and maybe even lean forward a bit and nod your head. One Word of Caution. You are not auditioning for a play. Don’t overact or overuse any of these things, or you’ll win the “Worst Impression of a Conversationalist” at the next SAG awards.

8. Don’t share too much. By all means tell the person about yourself. They want to get to know you too. But don’t get too personal. You don’t have to share about those funny spots that cover your neck beneath your turtleneck, or the time you and some friends woke up naked inside the science museum, or the fact that you tend to yell out “mommy” when you sleep. These are things best left to mention after you’re married.

9. Show you have a sense of humor. It helps if you are funny, but that doesn’t mean telling jokes. This is not a comedy act and your friend is not your audience. You can certainly try to inject funny remarks or a few humorous stories into the conversation. It’s even OK to gently tease your friend. Teasing is a form of flirting and can be very attractive, but please be subtle. Don’t make fun of any physical features, or their family or friends. Another note of caution. Don’t try to be funny if you’re not. You can always show you know how to have a good time by laughing with them. Which brings us to our last point.

10. Be yourself. Be genuine. Don’t change the way you do things just to make a good impression. If you’re not one to talk a lot, then listen a ton and ask questions. If you’re used to dominating conversations, then get your friend involved. The best you can do is show the person you are interested and let them know who you are.

Conclusion: Avoid the yawn. This is your goal for the entire night. Once your new friend yawns the night’s over. It doesn’t matter if they say they’re tired, or they had a  long day at work. Those are all nice ways of saying, “Check please.”

So relax and have a good time. You might be surprised at how stimulating a good conversation can be.

If not you can always go home and play with your ipad.

Do you have any funny, scary, horrible or awesome conversations you would like to share with everyone?

Or do you have any more advice on how to have a conversation?

Personal Space Invaders

Our world is changing fast, especially from a technological standpoint. The ability to communicate with anyone around the world has become as easy as turning on the faucet. Cell phones, email, skype and social networking sites all provide access and make the world essentially a smaller place.

So is this a good thing? We say yes for the most part, because with a larger market there are more opportunities. However, this also comes with new forms of abuse.

Privacy has taken a nose dive. It’s easy to find anyone on the planet. And if you ever had dreams of getting off the grid, you were born a century too late.

But people have been ignoring personal boundaries for a long time. These are people who either aren’t aware of personal space or ignore it to serve their own purposes. We call these people,

PERSONAL SPACE INVADERS.

They come in many forms. Some are completely harmless and others are actually quite dangerous.

Let’s take a look at these people in all their mutations.

Close Talkers: Maybe coined by the great Seinfeld episode….These are the people who cozy up to you during a conversation and spray you with saliva bombs and other debris. They are usually completely harmless and are actually quite chummy. But if you know you’re going to encounter one, plan accordingly. Bring an extra change of clothes and a face mask.

Touchers: These are people who touch to accentuate their point. It’s a way to bond. Now in some cases this is sweet and nice, but often it can get to be too much. How do you know when it’s too much? By the bruises on your arms or back the next day. But honestly they do mean well in general, unless they are really a Groper in disguise. You’ll know this when they apologize for accidentally missing your shoulder.

Big Huggers: They are in the Touchers family, but they actually have an agenda beyond bonding. Generally the rule of hugging is similar to the rule of hand shaking. It should be somewhat equal. We hate it when some GUY tries to show how manly he is by squeezing the crap out of our hand. C’mon MAN! Firm is one thing, but this is not a contest. These Big Huggers often get a thrill out of feeling another body close to them, so they squeeze and squeeze. Once again they are generally harmless, but best avoided. And they are everywhere!

Phone Solicitors: These people drove the wagons west and carved the way for the rest of the technological abusers. They call us any time of day and night with no respect for privacy or family time. Now sure, it’s their job, but at some point they might need to ask themselves, “Is it really OK to call on a Sunday night at 9pm?” There is such a thing as Karma….we think?
The general populace has been able to combat them with a variety of measures including the answering machine and caller ID. But it’s still maddening that they even make the attempt. And when you ask them to put you on the DO NOT CALL list, they are polite and sweet, but then their colleague calls you the next day feigning innocence. MORAL: Don’t answer your phone.

Spammers: We’ve been inundated with Spammers lately. We’re not sure what they are actually gaining from their actions, since we delete them as fast as they post. But they are so annoying, like persistent flies or mosquitoes, feeding off our blood.
If anyone has any advice on what Captcha to use, etc. please let us know.
Otherwise we wish we could set up a new sort of Octagon, where the Phone Solicitors and the Spammers could fight to the death. And the rest would be fed to the Stalkers.

Stalkers: These people range from creepy to dangerous and every level in between. Who are they? Possibly spurned lovers, crazies, people who are angry with their life or jealous of someone else’s life. Either way, they use every means possible to unsettle their target. It’s like a home invasion that goes on in perpetuity.
These people are savvy and smart too, using sites like Facebook to assume the identity of their target and then infiltrate his/her world. (Yes, this just happened to “Another One of The Guys.”)
They are very difficult to get rid of.

So, what to do about all this?

All of this technology allows businesses and yes even Bloggers to expand their brand and reach a wider audience, but reaching a wider audience can also mean more problems. But that shouldn’t stop any of us. We can’t let these people slow us down! So keep your radar up and don’t let them get to you.

How do you combat these Personal Space Invaders?

THE GUYS