I received a random phone call from a guy I used to &#8220;hang out&#8221; with

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Why did we really break up?

Hey Guys,

I’ve been a habitual cheater since my first relationship two years ago. At the end of my last relationship—long distance— I went to parties and started hooking up with random guys. I felt terrible about it and admitted it to my boyfriend and it crushed him. I lost his trust and although he wanted to forgive me and keep going, I felt that our relationship would never be the same. So I ended it.

Not a single day goes by where I don’t think about him and what I did to him. The guilt never seems to fade.

The thing is, now I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a new guy for about 3 months now and I’ve also cheated on him. We jumped into the relationship about two weeks after we met at a party and I felt confident that I wouldn’t cheat on him because I felt so strongly about him. Yet I did. But that was about a month and half ago and I never told him about it and haven’t done it again because when I was in the moment of cheating I had an epiphany that I love my boyfriend and I don’t want anyone else. We’re so compatible and he tells me he loves me and that I’m the one. He is also the one for me. But when I talk to him, sometimes the guilt creeps up again and I have a conflicted urge to just tell him.

He says nothing I say or do could make him fall out of love with me, but this would break his heart and I’d lose his trust being so far away.

I’m afraid this feeling will always be lingering in the back of my mind. I plan on staying with him for a very long time. Should I tell him or keep it a secret?

Thank you in advance.

Meghan

Dear Meghan,

Thanks for your question.

Have you ever read the book, “Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky? Somehow your conundrum, and your feelings of guilt, remind us of the internal struggle of Raskolnikov, the main character in the book. No, you haven’t actually committed a crime, but clearly you have feelings of remorse for cheating that you’re trying to come to terms with.

Here is the true dilemma: If you stay with your new boyfriend and actually remain faithful from here on out, can you live with the knowledge that you were once unfaithful to him, even if he never finds out?

In a perfect world there would be no secrets between lovers, partners, and spouses. We’d all be open minded and accepting of each other’s imperfections and mistakes. We’d love each other just as we love our kids: unconditionally.

But alas, there is no perfect world, and our love typically bears the weight of many conditions—loyalty is one of them. You’re right when you suspect your boyfriend would no longer trust you if you told him of your indiscretions. Once trust is lost in a relationship it’s very difficult to get back. And it takes strength and courage from the person who was cheated on to forgive and try to move on. (Of course, remember that your last boyfriend seemed willing to give you a second chance after you told him you cheated on him.)

What we’re wondering is why? Why Meghan are you feeling the need to cheat? This question seems even more important than whether or not to tell your boyfriend you cheated. What is going on internally for you that you’re seeking attention and validation from other men? We’re not therapists. We’re not doctors. But we do think that question might be worth exploring with a professional. Because once you get to the root of the problem you might get clarity on your basic question: Should I tell my boyfriend I cheated?

Unfortunately Meghan there isn’t one right answer here. Everyone is different. Some guys would say they would want to know if they were cheated on by their girlfriend. Other guys would say that as long as their girlfriend is no longer cheating they would rather not know.

Our advice: Take a harder look at why you’re behaving the way you’re behaving. We just get this sense from you that you’re uncertain about whether or not you can stop this behavior. And maybe your uncertainty is what’s causing you to feel so guilty about this. Maybe if you trusted yourself and knew that it would never happen again you could move forward in this relationship and chalk up your cheating up to a really bad mistake that you’ll never repeat.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section, and we’ll reply to you here as well.

Good luck. We’re pulling for you no matter what you decide to do.

THE GUYS

ps. We’d love to hear from some of our readers as well. What are your opinions? Meghan would probably appreciate more viewpoints on this.

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

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Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Hey Guys,

So there’s this guy that I’ve known since 3rd grade and we’ve always been really close. He wanted to date me our freshman year in high school but got too scared that it would ruin our friendship and never asked me out. (He still doesn’t know to this day that I know about this.)

I left after sophomore year when we were 16/17 to move to Boston to become a dancer and now I live in NYC. This past summer I came home. It was three years since I last saw him. (We’re now both 20.) When I saw him this summer we caught up hung out a couple times and we ended up sleeping together. I left to come back to NYC in september and we’ve been texting ever since.

Now he’s coming to visit. I’m really nervous and I’m wondering if he’s just coming to the city to see the sites and get laid. Or is he actually coming also to see me? I’m from AZ and he still lives there now so it cost a lot for him to buy a plane ticket to come up here. (He even had to borrow money from his dad.)

Does he actually like me and want to see me or is he just excited to come to the city and possibly getting laid is the icing on the cake? To me, spending all that money and getting off work and stuff says something. But maybe I’m just being a hopeful girl. Also could it turn into something more? I know long distance relationships are hard, but would a guy really be willing to do that? I’m so nervous and confused right now. Please help!

Brittany

Dear Brittany,

Thanks for your question. We can see that you’re nervous. That’s pretty normal. You like this guy and would like to see if things can progress beyond a physical relationship. And of course you hope he feels the same way.

It’s hard to say exactly what his motivation for visiting you is. Sex will absolutely be part of his expectation for the trip. His drive to have sex is so intertwined with his excitement to come see you that he’s probably having difficulty separating the two himself. In fact it’s likely he doesn’t even know exactly what’s driving him, and he won’t know until after the two of you have been intimate. (If that’s what you decide to do, which is up to you of course.)

Assuming you decide to sleep with him, pay careful attention to how he acts right AFTER you have sex—especially the first time. And by “right after” we mean, RIGHT AFTER and for the next 8 hrs. (Meaning, until his libido kicks back in. It’s different for every guy.) If he’s distant, or acts differently, you’ll know he’s probably driven mainly by his interest in sex. If he still is happy to be with you, and wants to go out on the town with you, hold your hand, and spend time with you beyond the confines of your bedroom then you’ll know he’s got more on his mind than getting in your pants.

These next four paragraphs are just general information about guys Brittany. They are for your information and for all of the other women who might be reading this.

Some women believe that making a guy wait for sex is the way you get them to commit. And this may be true for the short term. If a guy wants to have sex with a woman he will do whatever it takes to make it happen, which means acting sweet, giving her presents, and doing all the things that his woman might like him to do. But a guy is still waiting to make his final evaluation until after he has sex with a woman. Meaning, the way he acts BEFORE sex does not determine how he’ll be AFTER sex. For a guy, sex is often needed for him to make a conscious decision about moving forward or not.

But this is tricky. You also can’t secure a guy’s love through sex. So sleeping with a guy to get him to love you or commit to you, will also not work. And in many cases it will push him away. It’s a fine and mysterious balance. We don’t have all the answers.

Finally, wanting sex all the time is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, having a healthy sex life with your partner is a very important piece of an overall healthy relationship. But both parties need to be giving in the bedroom as well. If your guy is not giving in the bedroom this will be a strong indicator of how he is in everyday life.

Bottom line: You have to do what’s comfortable for you. Every relationship is different. But you should never be pressured into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Go with your gut.

Enough on that topic. Moving on.

Yes, guys are willing to try a long distance relationship Brittany. You’ve probably heard that guys are incapable of being faithful in this type of relationship but that’s a crock of crap. It’s just an excuse for guys to be selfish and do whatever they please. Many guys are loyal and faithful. So don’t let that stop you if you believe you and this guy have a chance for something more.

Our advice: Take it slow. Keep your eyes open. Trust your gut. Introduce him to your friends. Listen to your friends’ opinions. And talk to him. Sure we know most people don’t want to show their hand, but in order for a long distance relationship to have any chance at all, it requires a ton of communication from both parties. And when you’re apart, texting is okay, but phone conversations or Skype are best.

Feel free to give us an update and ask us a follow up question. Leave your question in the comments section of this post.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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I suggested Friends with Benefits (FWB): Did I just dig myself into a hole?

Dear Readers,

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I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

Dear Guys,

So after 10 years of crushing hard on my best friend’s brother I finally got my chance. I went and visited him and spent the night. We did “the do” and I went home the next day.

Neither one of us want a relationship but I do have some serious feelings for him. But what I wanna know is what’s going through his mind. Out in public we hang out with each other and talk, we have fun and I enjoy his company very much. But does he enjoy me being around?

When I stayed the night I turned over and faced my back to him. He scooted to me and curled up and put his arm around me. The next morning I tested the waters by scooting close to him. He moved his arm and let me in to lay on him; then put his arm around me. He took pictures of the two of us on my camera and while I was riding the bull he took pics of me on his camera.

I got “antsy” because I didn’t know where I stood with him so I tested the waters yet again and offered a “Friends with Benefits” situation. He said, “Yeah, for sure.”

Now is this like a situation where he’s thinking about only getting laid, or is there something there and this is a way for us to be around each other minus the commitment?

Curiously Screwed

Dear “Curiously Screwed,”

Thanks for your question.

As we were reading your question we were thinking that things were going fairly well between the two of you. That is until we read your last paragraph where you offered this guy a “Friends with Benefits” situation. We think you know what we’re going to say, but here goes anyway.

A guy will almost never turn down an offer like that. Even if he actually wants something more—like a serious relationship. And that’s the biggest problem with a FWB situation. It’s so convenient and as close to risk free as you can get when it comes to sex. (Sex if never totally risk free.) So most guys will jump at the opportunity.

But the problem is you’ve leaped into a situation that won’t give you the answers you’re looking for. That’s the issue. It’s clear you have feelings for this guy beyond sex, and have so for some time. We don’t think you should deny those feelings, which you’re doing by saying you don’t want a commitment. It feels a bit like you’re trying to protect yourself. And when you suggest a “Friends with Benefits” situation, how is he going to think about anything else besides getting laid? He’s not. So yes, in this way you’ve dug yourself into a hole.

Some of this guy’s actions would suggest to us that you’re not just an average “booty call.” But we think you need to backpedal a bit and rescind your offer of FWB. And in doing so tell him how you really feel. (We don’t think you should give it all away, but at least tell him that you’d like to see if this could develop into something more. We just get the sense that that’s what you really want.) And in doing so, hopefully you’ll learn something about where his head’s at.

Is this a risk? Sure it is. But what’s the worst that can happen? Maybe he won’t be interested? But at least you’ll have some information to go forward with. And that’s better than having a nebulous affair that will only frustrate and confuse you, and eventually lead to resentment. And you can always go back to a FWB situation. Like we said, a guy will almost never turn down a ”Friends with Benefits” situation. And that also means reverting back to one. Guys will even do this with an ex-girlfriend, although we don’t recommend that for either party.

Keep us posted, and good luck.

THE GUYS

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Summer Fling or Boyfriend?

Dear Readers,

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For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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Hi Guys,

I just finished university this year and a guy who I had a class with in first semester (Sept-Dec) started messaging me out of the blue back in April just “to say hi.” I was really surprised to hear from him because it was so random, but I did respond and we continued to chat via Facebook until about June. We kept trying to make plans but all the work at the end of the semester it was too much for either of us to get together!

He had a big get together with a lot of his friends on the night of our convocation and he invited me to come out for it. There was a lot of people there but we ended up sitting by ourselves chatting. He also introduced me to his friends when they came over to talk with us. He was supposed to be going away for a month shortly after graduating and while he was gone I was leaving for another two months to travel. Because of that, even though I was interested in him, I didn’t think anything substantial would really develop between us. We have really good chemistry and we had a really fun night and ended up hooking up, which I of course now totally regret.

As it turned out, he ended up breaking his leg and he wasn’t able to go away. So because he didn’t end up leaving he continued to call/text me to hang out. I wasn’t always able to (so I wasn’t always available) and he was pretty consistent and I guess we fell into some sort of ‘friends with benefits’ relationship without me really thinking about what I really wanted. I figured that while I was traveling we would just lose contact.

Just before I left, he texted me that he would miss spending time with me and that he really enjoyed seeing me, which I really appreciated, and I told him that I’d miss him too. While I was gone we still stayed in touch through email and Facebook, which was really nice. We were both pretty consistent about staying in contact.

I came back almost three weeks ago and as soon as he knew I was back he messaged, texted, and called me immediately! I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship I wanted with him—FWB, boyfriend or just platonic—and I did want to talk to him about that, but I was kind of afraid to because I do remember in a conversation we had once he mentioned that he wasn’t sure if he was good boyfriend material. He does confide a lot of very personal info with me and that came up in passing. So at any rate, I haven’t had that conversation with him as of yet. Since I’ve been back we’ve been in pretty regular contact but it feels different, more complacent now. He doesn’t call as much and he tends to stick with texting.

He’s doing his PhD at the moment so he’s pretty swamped with school and he’s not going out as much as he was in the summer. But recently he did go to an event that he told me about but didn’t invite me to. It wasn’t something where tickets had to be bought well in advance because he was trying to get an extra ticket for one of his friends on the day of. I know he’s pretty good friends with his best friend’s girlfriend and sometimes he’ll hang out with her. (I’m quite positive they have a platonic relationship – he’s very loyal to his guy friends so I don’t think there’s intimacy between him and this other girl – she’s crazy about her boyfriend.) So I think in part he might not have asked me to go with him because he might have been going with her already.

I don’t usually initiate getting together with him because he usually does the initiating but since I’ve been back I’ve only seen him twice despite still at least texting each other almost every day. And the last time I hung out with him I initiated the get together. And it was because I’m in the process of moving and I needed a place to crash, and he said I could stay with him. But that night when I was staying with him I was beginning to wonder if he was going to get bored with our relationship and it would fizzle out. I usually just go to his place and hang out with him there when I do see him. So in that regard he isn’t putting as much effort in anymore.

Two friends and I are having a joint birthday party in a couple weeks and so of course I sent out a FB invite to him for the event. (A lot of people are invited, so it is pretty casual.) He said (via text) that it sounded like a night not to be missed.(Implying that he would attend.) But on the FB RSVP he still hasn’t responded and I’m wondering if he is not wanting to commit, or if he’s waiting for something better. I know he’s been online and he knows about the event but hasn’t responded.

So… I’m confused. He seems to be interested in me, he continues to be in contact with me, I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else on the side. (I can pretty much come over when I want, so long as he’s not in class.) And I know he cares about me—he’s told me, and he’s very affectionate with me; he kisses me repeatedly on the forehead & cheek when we’re lying in bed together; and he will hold my hand in public. But on the other hand, I almost wonder if he’s keeping me in the shadows of his life. I’ve only been back a few weeks and I don’t think I’ve given us enough time to really assess the nature of our relationship, especially considering he’s doing his PhD, and I do know he’s swamped. But things are different than before.

What should I make of him?? I’m trying to just let him chase me but at the same time I wonder if he’s bored. If he’s bored wouldn’t he just stop contact completely?

Thanks!

Alice

Dear Alice,

Thanks for your note.

We don’t think the question is whether or not he’s bored. Guys don’t get bored from hanging out and having sex. In fact, a guy could easily stay in a “hang out and have sex” type of relationship for years, especially if he was busy with his career or studies. The problem with this type of arrangement—or we should say, one of the many problems with this type of arrangement—is that it typically never goes anywhere. The guy gets lazier and lazier over time, and starts making less effort to do more than the status quo, and consequently the woman gets more and more frustrated and confused. Eventually it kind of just fizzles away.

Don’t panic yet, Alice. Your situation hasn’t reached these proportions, but it’s headed there fast. We’re sure you’ve read these books that lay out certain rules that women and men should follow when starting a relationship. And while they certainly apply in some cases, each situation is different. In your case, the time to let him do the pursuing is over. You’ve known him over a year, been “hanging out” with him over six months, and you’re still in the exact same place, except now you want to know what’s going on. Well, we can’t blame you.

It’s time to have THE CONVERSATION. Yes, the dreaded conversation that defines what you have together. As uncomfortable as this may be, you need to get some answers from him, otherwise this situation will go on interminably. Because what motivation does he have to change it? He’s pretty much getting what he wants: a nice diversion from his busy life with a sweet and pretty girl. And in fact, the more we think about it the more this guy sounds like a possible player. His comment early on to you—”I’m not really boyfriend material.”—speaks volumes about where he’s at, and it really set the table for the type of arrangement you’re currently in with him.

And this thought just struck us: There’s a big difference between a relationship and an arrangement. One is robust and full of life, and the other is all business. You need to find out which one you’re in. Stop worrying about what he wants, and whether or not he’s going to get bored, and start focusing on what you want. You may not even know exactly what that is until you talk with him. You deserve some answers Alice, but the only way you’re going to get them is to talk to him.

Good luck. We’re hoping this works out the way you want it to. But if not, every relationship you have will better inform you for the future. Just remember to be clear about what makes YOU happy and satisfied.

THE GUYS

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He asks ME to call HIM

Dear Readers,

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Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

Hi Guys!

Thanks a lot for reading my message.

I met this good looking guy at a party before summer vacation. He asked for my number and my email before we said bye. Then he asked if I would call him. This question confused me, but I said yes. He never called me or anything.

One month later I sent him a friendly text message. He never replied. So, I didn’t do anything more. I saw him the first week of classes after the summer. I just said hi in a friendly way. Two days later I received an email. I replied 4 days later, but he never replied back. Then I saw him on a party a week ago. I said hi and we started talking. In less than 10 minutes, he asked if he could visit my lab at school. Also, he made plans to go the library with me, but again he asked me to call him or send him a message. Very directly, I told him, “I’m not going to do it because you don’t reply.” He said, fine he would call. Of course he never called or replied.

My instinct tells me to forget him. He seems not as interested as he appears to be when he sees me. I just need a confirmation please. Also, before I forget, a friend who knows him told me that he is shy, but I can’t believe this, because he starts hitting on me in less than 10 min. of the conversation.

Is he a pathological player or what?

Thanks again guys,

Winterflake

Dear Winterflake,

Thanks for you question.

Your instincts are right. This guy is a waste of time and energy. He might be attracted to you, but he’s not interested enough to do much about it. (And forget the whole shy angle. He’s not shy. He’s used to women coming after him.)

And let’s just say for some reason the two of you actually started dating. Can you imagine the frustration in dealing with someone who doesn’t communicate well? This guy doesn’t follow through, he doesn’t keep his word, and he’s complacent and apathetic.

We say, move on.

And oh, here’s a good general rule: Guys should be the ones pursuing AND calling.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Where is this relationship going?

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Dear Guys,

I have two dilemmas.

1st Dilemma.
I’ve been hanging out with a guy for a couple months now. We both have busy and somewhat opposite schedules, so we end up hanging out late at night or at the end/beginning of our shifts.We see each other once, maybe twice tops a week. We’ve gone on dates and hooked up but have never spent the night at each other’s places. It could be 3 am but he will always go home or drive me home because he has to work early, which I understand. (Usually people in a relationship just sleep over.) When I date someone I am used to talking to them regularly and having a normal routine so to speak. We don’t.

2nd Dilemma:
I am really bad at communicating my feelings face-to-face and tend to bottle them in my head and I get easily frustrated and can get crazy girl mode on him. I feel badly because he always gives me the opportunity to express myself when we’re together but I freeze up and can never think of what I want to say on the spot.

Please help me get over this “relationship” & “communication” anxiety.

Am I just wasting my time with this guy??

Janice

Dear Janice,

Thanks for your question.

So when you say you freeze up, is this after he expresses how he feels about you? Or do you want to tell him how you feel but are afraid to because you’re not sure how he feels? The two are very different.

Lots of people are scared about communicating their feelings. It’s normal. So don’t be so hard on yourself. If he was continually telling you he cares for you, we can’t see any reason you wouldn’t tell him how you feel about him. But if he’s being closed, and not communicating his feelings, it totally makes sense for you to be bottled up and not want to reveal your true feelings. Sometimes that feeling of anxiety has more to do with the overall situation than it has to do with the individuals involved. And in your case, we think the uncertainty of the relationship is contributing to your anxiety.

Here’s your real dilemma: One of you is going to have to take the risk and talk about this. Otherwise you’re going to be in this perpetual state of limbo, where you see each other late at night, hook up, but never see the light of day together like “normal” couples do. We understand your work schedules don’t jive, but if this goes on the way it’s going, what you’re really describing is a booty call situation, where he’s kind of getting what he wants, but you’re not. And we’re pretty sure that’s not what you’re looking for with this man.

We don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to bring up the topic. You don’t necessarily have to reveal how you feel if you’re not comfortable doing that, but you could make a joke and ask him if you’re ever going to see him during the day, and maybe go out on a proper date. It’s possibly he just needs some prompting in order for him to move forward.

If it turns out he’s not interested in anything more than what’s going on now, at least you’ll have all the information you need in order to make an informed decision about what you ultimately want.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Dating divorced guy who is still in pain

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Dear Guys,

I have been seeing a guy who got divorced two years ago. He went through a rough divorce and was betrayed pretty horribly by his ex. They have no kids and have had no contact in nearly the two years since all has been finalized.

Last weekend I stayed at his place for the first time and during that time he started to show me pictures on his computer because he has an online business and wanted me to see his commercials. In the process he came across pictures that set him off. He spent the rest of our time together over the weekend telling me the divorce story over and over. The pain I witnessed was horrible. Not only did I learn more than I wanted to ever know but he made statements about how the future is lost, how he had planned a life that will never happen, that he doesn’t know what was true and what was a lie. He would mention little things they did together. That they had so much fun and it is gone. I felt like I wanted to be supportive and understanding but at the same time I felt like he was dismissing any opportunity that we could ever have—that he is so deep in pain still that perhaps there isn’t room for me or a future. This is all new for me. I have not dated someone divorced before.

I don’t know if I should feel complimented that he trusted me enough to let me in to his darkest thoughts or if I am hurt over his talk of dispair and hopelessness over prospects and a future lost. I’m a patient person and willing to take a risk but I also don’t want to be played a fool. I left exhausted and cried the whole drive home. He didn’t communicate with me today at all. Something we have been good at and consistently have done since our first date, even if only a hello on text.

I need advice on where this guy’s head is at and what I should be doing.

Hang in there or move forward?

Mic

Dear Mic,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly this guy has a lot of healing still to do. And based on how intense his feelings are, it might be quite awhile before he’s able to be truly open to a new relationship.

Obviously he feels very comfortable with you, otherwise he wouldn’t have opened up to you so much. We don’t think he’s playing you or using you, but if you’re willing to listen, he’s going to talk about his divorce. In fact, he’ll talk to anyone willing to listen because his feelings are still very raw. Sure, this is understandable, with all that he’s gone through—and still going through—but do you really want to be his main sounding board? You need to ask yourself that very question, because this is unlikely to abate anytime soon.

If you’re up for the challenge, and you believe you have a very strong connection with this guy, proceed with caution and patience. But understand you will be challenged on many levels if you stay the course. It’s up to you to decide what’s best for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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This guy said I look swell

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Hey Guys,

A family that I’ve been close with came into town for a couple of days. The family has two sons. One is 18 or 19 yrs. old, and the other son is 23. I am 20 almost 21, which puts me smack dab in the middle of both of them. Throughout the night I talked to both of the guys about what they’ve been up to since they left. At the end of the night I ended up getting hugged three times by the younger one and four times by the older one. Before I turned to leave the older one talked to me on a different level than he has in years past. He gave me one of those hug hugs. You know the kind that means more than friends. After that he told me it was nice seeing me and such, and he said that I’m looking swell. Which caught me off guard since he has never said anything like that before to me. He’s always been nice but it was different tonight.

What does it mean when a guy tells you that you look swell?

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your note.

First of all we don’t know any guys who use the word swell. It seems a funny choice of words, and somewhat antiquated, but we understand what he was trying to say. It’s his way of telling you he thinks you’re really cute, or possibly hot, without revealing his true intentions. Of course to us, his intentions are totally transparent.

It’s clear both of these guys are young and not sure how to approach you. We do understand—since you’re long time family friends—it’s tricky terrain to navigate, but their approach seems so awkward: hugging you and saying you look swell?

But rest assured, they are both into you, unless they’ve always been chronic huggers. Guys love getting hugs from cute women. And these guys snagged seven over the course of the evening! WOW, that’s close to a record.

So who’s it going to be Danielle? Are you interested in the younger brother or the older brother?

We suggest you wait and see what happens on this one. No use creating a family rift. It’s better they work this out internally before one of them pursues you. Eventually one of them will make their intentions known.

Good luck, and keep us posted. We’re definitely curious to hear how this all turns out.

THE GUYS

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New Videos: Relationship Advice on Getting Played

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If you have a relationship question, leave us a note above. Also, scroll down to read some of our archives. You might find the answers you’re looking for in one of our previous responses.

Take care,

THE GUYS

Confused: I don’t understand this guy’s behavior

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Dear Guys,

I really need help on this one. I’m 21 and recently started hooking up with this guy. We have been sexually active together for about 3 months now. He tells me it’s the best sex he has ever had; and for me, it’s the same! We hang out pretty much every day. Some days things seem to be going great. We hang out just the two of us, or with his friends, or go to the movies. He takes me to dinner, and we’ve even met each other’s families.

And then other days he acts completely different with me. We won’t kiss, touch, but he still flirts with me and is always super sweet. He’s always the one to make the first move when we hook up, just because im a little more shy when I’m with him. (This boy seriously makes me weak in the knees.) But some nights we won’t hook up or anything and it’s just plain weird, I guess? We both just got out of serious relationships not too long ago, and agreed that we were not rushing back into another one anytime soon. But we also agreed that we weren’t going to hook up with anyone else either. I guess I’m just confused on why he acts diffrently towards me some days. I really like this guy and just don’t want to mess anything up.

Nichol

Dear Nichol,

Thanks for your question.

From everything you say, it seems like he likes you more than just a casual hook up. In fact it seems like the two of you are boyfriend and girlfriend, since you’re doing all the things couples do: going out to dinner, going to the movies, hanging out with friends, meeting prospective families. We think you need to have a discussion about this, don’t you? Just because you both SAY you don’t want to rush into anything new, your actions say otherwise. And hey, that’s a good thing if you’re both happy.

His behavior is a bit inconsistent, although you say he’s sweet to you even on the days when you don’t kiss, touch, or hook up. Typically if a guy considers a woman to be a fling, he only wants to be with her when he’s hooking up with her. Your guy doesn’t behave this way. So we have another possible explanation for his erratic behavior.

A man’s affection can often be traced to his changing testosterone levels. Meaning, a guy might behave differently on the days he wants to have sex, as opposed to the days right after he has sex? If a guy wants sex it’s likely he’s going to touch a woman more, maybe hold her hand, give her some love “squeezes” here and there, generally be more physically loving, and all around more agreeable. But some guys who don’t necessarily need sex every day might need a day of recovery. On those days— recovery days—guys can be more business like in terms of physical affection. See if this pattern holds true for your guy. And let us know.

If this is the case it can mean a lot of things. If he continues to be sweet with you, and treats you with respect there’s no reason to be concerned. It’s certainly worth a conversation down the road, maybe when/if you two decide to make yourselves an official couple. If this pattern becomes more extreme, you might need to reevaluate if you want to be with him. (This might mean there’s more going on than we can say based on your note.)

Overall, we feel pretty positive about what’s going on between the two of you. But keep those eyes open, and be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling about him and the relationship. We always say, TRUST YOUR GUT. (Be on the look out for our first video, on this very topic next week.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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What happened with this guy?

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Dear Guys,

I joined a gym last year and started working out with one of the PTs. We worked out every other week which then turned into every week – he was good and I pushed myself when I was with him. We started talking outside of the gym through Facebook…he always contacted me and it soon became flirty. I figured this is just the way he is, keeping me sweet so I would stay with him as a PT. But the flirting became a bit more obvious at the gym, with his mates ribbing him when I was around; and I got messages from his mates through Facebook telling me he liked me. About 5 weeks ago, he quit the gym because it wasn’t working out for him. He didn’t tell me until the last day and said he could either pass me onto someone else or he would be happy to train ‘with’ me, which is what we continued to do.

A few weeks ago, he went out and got drunk and was texting me. He ended up telling me his heart was maybe mine. I chalked it up to him being drunk. But when I saw him the following week he played down how drunk he was saying by the end of the night he wasn’t at all drunk. This conversation continued later on after the gym and I invited him round the next night. He came round and we kissed and he stayed the night. We talked till about 2am and though it was a bit rushed in the morning it didn’t seem awkward.

Now he has stopped all contact with me. After standing me up at the gym and not responding to my text, I caught him on Facebook and asked him what was going on—not thinking I would get a response. He told me he didn’t want a relationship or anything, and his life/ head was messed up, and there were things I didn’t know about him. Once he told me, he quickly logged off so I sent him a message saying I understood and that I respected his decision. The next day I stupidly messaged his mate —the one who’d messaged me in the past— to find out if he was okay. The guy found out and had a huge go at me. I apologized straight away saying I was confused by how he was acting. He responded by telling me that if I was to continue to pester him I should get out of his life! I haven’t contacted him since then, but did he really just want one thing from me? It seems a lot of work for one night and that night could have happened a long time ago. He says it wasn’t a one night thing but I have lost a friend over this and it hurts! I never said I wanted a relationship so why has he just cut me out of his life like this?? Have I been completely fooled?!

Becs

Dear Becs,

Thanks for your question. (We’re going to read between the lines and assume the two of you were intimate with one another when he slept over. It sounds like it. )

No you haven’t been fooled. We actually agree with your assessment. We think this is a lot of work for a “one night stand.” Although, we won’t lie and say it’s not impossible he had a complete reversal in his desire for a relationship with you.

One thing important to note about guys: sometimes it takes having sex with someone for a guy to truly know whether or not he’s into a particular woman. Of course we would say: if a guy is truly in love with a woman he’ll make it work even if there aren’t fireworks in the bedroom. This latter type of guy believes relationships require commitment and effort, and with this type of mentality, it’s likely all aspects of the relationship will only get better and better. But a hefty percentage of guys will sleep with a woman before they’re 100% sure; and it’s not until AFTER the deed is done—when the chemicals in their bodies have gone back to normal levels—when they’re able to think clearly. That’s why we always say, make sure your man says I love you at other times besides right before sex.

But Becs, maybe his life is as messed up as he says it is. And maybe you don’t know him like he’s saying. Sure, this may be a ruse to throw you off his scent, a deflection to keep you from discovering the real truth: he slept with you only to realize he’s not into you. However, we think he’s telling the truth here. And if so, maybe he does need to get his “stuff” together before he’s able to be in a relationship. It would be nice if he could provide you with more details, which might help put your mind to rest, but that’s not going to happen. The two of you don’t know each other well enough, and it sounds like these other issues are things he’d like to keep private.

So this is one of those situations where you’re just going to always wonder what happened unfortunately. But rest assured, you certainly didn’t do anything wrong. This is all about him, not you. And who knows maybe he’ll come around, and at some point you’ll get the answers you’re looking for. But for now, respect his wishes, and move on with your life.

Good luck. Leave us a follow up comment and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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This guy at my school

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The Guy’s Perspective Ep. 38: Actor Charles Shaughnessy interview, 12 items or less, contests

Hey Guys it’s Tatum,

(Note from THE GUYS. We left question as we got it. So we summed up the question below in bullet points.)

I asked you guys a question around December (which i don’t expect you to remember) about this guy at my high school who kept staring at me every time I would go to cheer practice. But i didn’t know his name or what grade he was in… but I knew he was older than a freshman. So I went and investigated, like you said, and I looked through my sister’as old yearbook from the year before. I looked at the freshman, and sophomore sections and I couldn’t find him! Then a few days later I was looking for this football player and I knew he was a sophomore last year, and his last name started with a Z, so I had to go to the last page of pictures… And then of course, there was my mystery boy who I was going crazy over to find. So then being a teenage girl hahaa i went on Facebook and looked him up. We had like alllll of the same friends and so I had to add him! Then once he had accepted me I was contemplating whether to message him, but I just didn’t know how to do it. But I grew some balls and messaged him saying “I know you have no clue who I am but I have a question… (:” and he messaged me back a few hours later and said “hello, aha whats your question.” and i just (being me) asked flat out, “Why do you always stare at me when I’m walking to the girls locker room after lunch?” And he was like “I stare at you?” And we went back and forth for awhile. Then I said I had to go because I had cheer practice. Then like an hour later I messaged him saying I was very sorry for being so blunt and if I came off as a total bitch I truly didn’t mean to. And he was like, “Oh its totally cool.” So that was on January 7th, and we just kept talking over Facebook about everything that went on in our heads. And he was so interesting to talk to and he said the same thing about me. And every single time he said he had to go, but he said he would message me in a lil’ bit and he always would keep that promise, and we would keep talking for hours on end. And he rarely said he had to go. It was always me who was ending the conversation.

We went on like that until the end of January. And then we just flat out stopped talking for no reason, because I knew this wasn’t going any where. But every time I would see him outside of Facebook I got so nervous and I just ignored him which I knew I shouldn’t have. I seem to always see him now, and he knows where I walk every day because he walks the same way. His friends obviously know about me because whenever they see me they almost snicker at me. I always hoped he would maybe come up to me at school and say hi, or do something but I think he was waiting for me to jump at it first.

Why wont he just come and talk to me? He obviously knows I am nice, since he told me I was chill and laid back over Facebook, and would always make these little winky faces. Oh and he is an Aquarius and im an Aries by the way. All of my junior friends who know him always say, “he is a total sweet heart,” “ooh randall is so nice and is always just the best.” But i dont know what to do because he is a junior and I’m only a freshman. Is that weird? I just can’t picture dating someone my own age. And all of my older friends say the same thing: that they cant see me with a boy my age. They say I’m way to mature for boys like that.

I truly dont know what to do. I’m just so confused. Please just help me figure out what this means. What he is trying to tell me?

Thanks guys,
Tatum (:

Dear Tatum,

Thanks for your question. That was pretty “ballsy” of you to confront him like that on Facebook. We wish more guys would have that kind of confidence. Although, maybe a slightly subtler approach might work better in the future.

And of course we remember you. Thanks for contacting us again. So let’s see if we can figure this out, and maybe sum up for our readers what’s going on.

1. He stares at you. (For quite a while)

2. You are now Facebook friends which you initiated. (But not necessarily real friends.)

3. You asked him bluntly why he stares at you. He denied it.

4. You now chat on Facebook a lot, but nothing beyond that….no face-to-face interactions.

5. You always end the conversations on Facebook.

6. He still stares at you—at least you think so—and his friends snicker about the situation.

7. You don’t know what to do.

In our humble opinion we think you now need to wait until he makes a move. You’ve pretty much handed him the keys to the kingdom, and if he doesn’t take them he’s either not interested, too shy, or possibly dating someone else. The fact that you’re two years younger shouldn’t matter to him. Lots of guys date girls a few years younger in high school. We don’t necessarily recommend this for the young ladies, because two years is a big difference when you’re 15 and 17—not so much when you’re a bit older. And guys typically are on the prowl for one thing, and that puts pressure on girls to do things they might not be comfortable with. We certainly wouldn’t want our sisters and daughters being pressured to engage in activities that they weren’t ready for.

But you say you’re mature for your age so it could work for you. And yes, girls tend to mature more quickly than guys do anyway, so on an emotional level you’re probably a good match, and possibly you’re more mature than him at this point. But either way you’re still going to have to wait for him to make a move. If you are really set on being with this guy, keep doing what you’re doing. Keep the lines of communication open with him, but let him start initiating as much as you can. This might frustrate you a bit, but letting him take the reigns will give you a better indication of what his intentions are; and if he’s really into you.

Hang in there. And please leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

ps. Subscribe to our blog, or podcast. And let your friends know about us. Relationship videos coming soon!

Am I misinterpreting my friend?

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Hear the interview with Actor Charles Shaughnessy. You might know him from the sitcom “The Nanny.”

Dear Guys,

I’ve been interested in a friend of mine, James, off and on over the past couple years. We met in university, and despite what our friends think (and suggest), we don’t have any sort of history. Nothing has ever happened between us, and I’ve never told him that I’ve been interested, namely because when he’s been single I’ve been in a relationship of sorts, and vice versa. As of now, we’re both single, and I’ve been trying to figure out whether or not he’s interested back.

There have been a number of little things that have recently made me wonder about James, such as inviting himself to study with me (within a 9-day period, he visited or studied with me 6 times); recently starting to call me “sweety” and “cutie”, which he’d never done in the previous five years; as well as giving me an overload of compliments on everything from my outfits, to my hair (smell, look, softness), to my photos.

One evening over coffee, we were discussing chivalry and I had said that I appreciate it (or at least aspects of it). He was already a gentleman about opening doors, but since that conversation, he’s opened every door that he possibly could for me, even going as far as to jokingly fight me to get to the door first.

James and I have had an on-going plan to spend a day together in the city, and we’ve always referred it as our “adventure” —adding in anything from lunch or dinner plans, to checking out a museum, to going for drinks and dancing. While we were making plans to attend a festival next month, James suggested we “make our date out of it.” I agreed to it, assuming he was referring to our ‘adventure’ plans, and he responded to say that in spite of the fact that we’ve kept postponing it he was really looking forward to our “overdue city date.” I was a bit taken aback by the fact that he was referring to it as a date, considering we’d never called our plans a date. It was always our adventure.

Am I wrong for having questions about these little things? Does it sound like I’m misinterpreting simple actions of a good friend? Any advice on how I can casually ask him where he stands?

Thanks,
Kate

Dear Kate,

Thanks for your question.

We interpret all his actions the same way you do. We definitely think he’s into you, and he’s doing his best to be clear about his intentions, but at the same time trying to be subtle, considering your long past as “just friends.”

Changing the word “adventure” to “date” is a significant and intentional shift in his wording. He’s not sure where you stand on the matter so it’s a very innocuous way of testing the waters. He’s throwing these hints out and seeing if they stick. If you had commented on the fact that he used the word “date” he might have backed off. But the fact that you agreed to it tells us he’ll push this as far as he can.

Our best advice to you is, keep encouraging him by agreeing to whatever he suggests—as long as you’re comfortable with his proposals. After you’ve gone on a few “dates” then it could be time to talk about what’s going on and where the two of you stand. Our gut tells us it will be clear long before you actually have to bring it up. It’s likely you’ll both be sitting in some romantic spot, maybe on a riverbank watching the boats go by, or walking in a park as kids laugh on a nearby playground, and he’ll look you in the eye and the two of you will share a moment. (You may already have, since you wrote to us two weeks ago.)

So enjoy it Kate. The great thing about your situation is that the two of you have been such good friends for so long. It’s not everyday that friends are able to make the leap to romantic partners. If you do manage to make the transition then you already have a comfort level between the two of you that often takes a long time for new partners to reach. That gives you a lot of time to enjoy some of the other “benefits” that come with being in love. :)

Good luck, and leave us a follow up comment, or follow up comments. We’d love to hear how things are going.

THE GUYS

A confused girl; the prom

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

Before I start my explanation I just want to say I’m sorry for how long this might end up being but I feel you must know certain things to understand everything. In other words this is going to be one hell of an explanation.

So there’s this guy that I’m friends with. I’ve known him for 5 years and I’ve liked him for a while now. I think it was a year or two ago he had said that he didn’t like me the way I liked him. I told him.(Which I feel like I shouldn’t have). We’re still close friends and we hang out and we can pretty much tell each other stuff. He also acts very differently with me than the other girls. My friends think he’s a flirt and a jerk but they don’t really know him like I do.

Just last summer when we were hanging out and we were dared to kiss—well actually make out. At first he didn’t want to because I could tell he felt a little awkward. However in the end we did kiss and not just once but twice—both a dare and the second time longer than the first. And after our make out session he had told me that he was “wooded.” (In other words, he was turned on but he said he didn’t know why for it doesn’t always happen.)

Also, about a month ago I was going to ask him to prom. In our conversation before I asked him he said he didn’t want to go. That’s when I said well I would’ve gone with you just as friends if you wanted. I then found out later from him that he had decided to go to prom so I was going to ask him by actually asking the question but we got interrupted. So instead I decided to use my drawing talent and draw his favorite football player catching a ball in the endzone with “prom” in the football. I guess I waited too long to ask because when I asked him he said “sorry but I already have a date.” But he still wanted to keep the picture. (I heard that he said it was special to him.)

Before prom I took a picture with him in which he held me tightly around the waist. After the picture, he did seem to let go of me slowly and when he let go completely our hands brushed. He then put his fingers slightly in between my own to interlock them slightly. I was surprised by his unexpected touch and as I responded the girl who asked him to prom called him over and that ended. Then at prom I’d be dancing with my friends then he’d appear somewhere near me. No matter where I went he was always there. I did dance with him once, in which we were very close to each other. But that as well was interrupted by his date who was calling him over to take a group picture that she was paying for. When she called him he seemed to not hear her though she wasn’t far and everyone could hear her. Then when he did hear her he was unsure/confused on what to do, for he hesitated in letting my waist go, and he let go slowly saying “sorry”. We didn’t dance again after that for he didn’t want to be disrespectful to his date.

What I’m confused about is well everything he has done. He says he doesn’t like me but we kissed; he didn’t have to but did and seemed to enjoy it because apparently that doesn’t always happen. And what was that before and at prom? Was that hand thing an accident and I’m just thinking too much? Why did he let me go slowly twice? And why was he always dancing with his date somewhere next to me? What the hell do I do?! I’m soo confused. Does he like me or not? Help me please!

Sincerely,
Carly, A very confused 18 yr old girl

P.S. Again I’m so sorry this is ridiculously long and detailed.

Dear Carly,

Thanks for your question. We don’t mind long and detailed at all. It gives us more information to formulate an opinion.

Your guy sounds as confused as you are, but a lot of it is his age. Teenage guys are especially “all over the place.” His hormones are going nuts; he’s surrounded by cute girls; he and his friends are competing; and he’s trying to keep it all together and look cool. And it isn’t possible.

Yes, you’re getting mixed signals, but we think you have to listen to what he’s saying. We understand the two of you had a moment, and it’s obvious he enjoyed himself, but that doesn’t mean he wants anything more than that, especially since he said he didn’t. “Getting wood” as you say, could happen just as easily while walking down the hallway at school, as it can making out with a girl. We’re not saying he wasn’t turned on by your “session” but just that the two things—physical contact and emotional bonds—are not necessarily linked for teenage guys. (Or for any guy for that matter.)

It also seems to us that if he was really into you the way you’re hoping, he would have asked YOU to the prom, instead of keeping his options open and then going with the first person who asked him. And that would explain why he might have been flirting with you at the dance. It’s likely he wasn’t way into his date. She asked, and he accepted. Simple as that. So he was letting you know that even though he was at the dance with her, he was not “taken.”

But Carly, just because he’s still available doesn’t mean he’s waiting for you, or that you’ll be happy if you ended up with him. We think he has some growing up to do. If it doesn’t bother you too much, why don’t you stay friends with him and just see what happens? Maybe in a few years he’ll mature and realize what a wonderful catch you are. But our gut tells us if something happens now, which it certainly could, it will be short lived and you’ll be more confused, and possibly resentful and hurt when it ends.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up comment, either with new information, another question related to this, or your thoughts.

Here’s another post you might find interesting. Check it out.

Do looks matter?

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. One comment you said struck a funny chord with us: you said he didn’t always get “wood” when he made out. Is it possible he’s gay? We’re just wondering. That might explain some of the other inconsistencies as well. Of course we’re just sayin’. It crossed our mind so we figured we’d throw it our there.

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Confusing friendship: Will this guy follow through?

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I’m with someone who has feelings for their ex

Age gap in my relationship; lack of trust

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys

I have a friend that I’ve known for over 6 years. I’ve lost contact with him on several occasions but I really do like him. Here’s the latest case. Back in December 10′ I bumped into him on the bus. We chatted for a second and then my stop came. He said to me, You’re getting off. Take my # down, and use it this time.” I did.

We text each other, called each other, and he even drove by to see me after work sometimes. But in March I called him a day before his birthday and he answered. It was alot of noise so he said he’d call me back when everything died down. So his birthday comes the next day and I call, and his phone is cut off —by the company. I called a few times after the fact figuring he would get it turned back on asap, but he didn’t. So I went on Facebook and sent him a message. No response. This is the second time he has done this. Every time I see him face to face it’s a fairytale. Then I lose contact with him and he doesn’t respond to Facebook messages or phone calls.

Should I just say to hell with him or what?

Porsche

Dear Porsche,

Thanks for your question.

This guy seems easily distracted. He also doesn’t seem to be ready for any type of relationship.

You should look for consistency when you’re evaluating a potential new suitor. That sounds business like, but consistency is a great indicator for whether or not you’re in for an easy ride or a tumultuous one. A guy should show up on time, call when he says he’s going to call, follow through on promises, and otherwise be a reliable force in your life. This guy sounds like none of these.

Also, we see a big red flag in the fact that he gave you his number and told you to call him, instead of asking for yours. That’s a strategy often used by a “player.” If the guy is truly interested he’ll ask for your number, and then call you. If he isn’t able to do that, he isn’t mature enough to be in any kind of serious relationship.

This guy may be charming and fun, but until he’s past the scattered stage, you’re better off letting him do his thing. Maybe sometime in the future—quite a ways in the future—you’ll meet up on the bus again and things will go differently. But we wouldn’t count on it.

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment. And check back with us if you have any other questions. Let your friends know about us. And subscribe to our blog feed and podcast feed. Check us out on itunes at: The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Age gap in my relationship; lack of trust

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Recent questions:

I’m with someone who has feelings for their ex

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

I am 22 year old woman and I’m dating a 44 year old man. We have been dating for almost 5 months. We have had our share of loving moments and tense moments, but I care for him dearly and go out of my way to make him happy. We have some trust issues, since I went through his phone and found some pictures of other girls. The only thing is, he still holds it over my head that I went through his phone. In addition to the one-time phone incident, he saw a picture of a guy friend of mine on my camera and thought I was cheating on him. He thinks that I lie to him about where I am and what I am doing. Lately he will just randomly start thinking about it, get angry, and will start a fight. Now when he fights, he goes below the belt (verbally). He says all of the meanest, rudest things he can think of to me. I hold my tongue because I have learned not to say things I don’t mean to someone I deeply care about.

I just want him to be happy, so do you you think I should just give us some space or should I keep trying to make things work?

Nikki

Dear Nikki,

Thanks for writing to us.

Your relationship is missing the most important ingredient of any relationship: trust. Neither of you seem to trust the other person, which has begun to create a serious crevasse in the foundation of your relationship. If you want to make this work you need to get to figure out the source of this mistrust and go from there.

So what made you so suspicious that you felt you needed to go through his phone? Was he doing something that made you wonder? (Not returning phone calls, disappearing for a day or night, being evasive when questioned.) If he was doing these things we can see why you’d wonder if he was cheating on you. But at the same time, you do realize you can’t go through someone’s phone? Because where do you go from there? If you find some evidence that confirms your suspicions, what do you do with that information? Once you reveal that information he’ll learn how you gathered the info and then it can only go downhill from there. And if you don’t find anything but he finds out you went through his phone, he’s not going to trust you. (Which happened) All in all, it’s better to ask someone directly than to use covert means to find out the information. Of course then you have to figure out if they are telling the truth or not.

As far as your fighting goes: people need to be careful how they fight. His verbal attacks sound out of line and should not be tolerated by you. Fighting happens in relationships, but it’s the WAY couples fight that determines whether or not they will stay together. Right now they way he is fighting doesn’t make us very hopeful for your relationship continuing much longer.

Nikki, we aren’t going to tell you what to do, but overall your relationship sounds broken, and unless you do some serious work together, it’s going to remain broken even if you have periods of tenderness here and there. We can see that beneath all the layers of mistrust that both of you care for each other, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to work. We also think your ages are playing a part in all of this. Twenty two years might not be a wide gap if you were 44 and he was 66, but at 22 and 44, that’s quite an age gap. He’s gotten to experience so much more of life than you, and that’s playing a part in your lack of trust. And the fact that you’re a cute, 22 year old woman is playing a part in his jealousy and anger.

Our advice: Take what you learned in this relationship and apply it to the next one, maybe with a guy who’s a little closer in age.

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment, and keep us posted. Feel free to ask another question in the future. Subscribe to our blog feed or podcast feed. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

I’m with someone who still has feelings for his ex

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Recent questions:

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

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Dear Guys,

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about two months. It seems like a short period of time. For me it was beautiful and enough time for me to fall in love with him. He broke up with his ex-partner of 2 years about a month before meeting me. We met in February and were together in March. We’ve been together ever since. Suddenly his ex found out he was with me and she demanded to see him. When I spoke to my guy he told me it was over between them and that was beyond repair. I trust him for this. But he also told me he still has feelings for her. And that he still wants to be with me too. He said he understood if I wanted to leave him because he still had feelings for her. I asked him why he got with me when he had feelings for her, and asked him if I was a rebound. He said that I was not a rebound. Then I asked him if he was with me just for sex. He said he enjoyed me for everything. Meaning not just sex, but also my company etc. I love him. I dont want to lose him. It hurts me that he still has feelings for her. When we got together, we played together, we laughed. We had small issues where he was jealous of the amount of men approaching me. We resolved this gently and we were going great. After his ex contacted him, we weren’t so playful anymore. He barely even kisses me. I’m ready to accept he still has feelings for her, and that he will get over her in due time -because he told me they were beyond repair. But the pain is still there. He is good to me, but I feel broken. I know he is too. I love him. I want to stay with him. I’ve had many boyfriends before him. and never did it hurt me to leave them when they betrayed me. But he is different. He is 20 years older. I love his eyes, his hair, his faults and his brilliance. I do not know what to do. I dont want us to end.

Leila

Dear Leila,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s entirely possible that your new boyfriend has feelings for his ex and for you at the same time. Even if his previous relationship is beyond repair, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for her, or has forgotten all the good times they had together. Just like you might remember many of the fun times you had with your ex-boyfriends.

The issue here is time, or lack of time, between his break up and the beginning of your relationship. People often need more time than a month to heal from such a monumental loss or change. He was with his ex for two years, which means it could take him quite a long time to be truly open to a new person.

Are you ready to be patient Leila? Because if you’re not, you need to move on now. This could be a long process. And frankly, he still seems emotionally “open” to his ex, which does not bode well for any type of new relationship. It sounds like they’re still in the “extracting stage,” which can sometimes involve emotional outbursts, passionate pleas, and even hooking up a few times. We would recommend keeping a low profile during this time. There’s certainly no reason you couldn’t date him and enjoy his company, but we might hold off on any more serious physical activity(sex) until he’s a bit more removed from her.

But break ups and beginnings are never really “clean” anyway, so even if he’s finally broken off all communication with his ex, or at least nothing more than the occasional phone call, if for some reason they try to remain friends, which is unlikely, he’s still going to have a place in his heart for the memories of that relationship. But it’s still possible to begin a new connection with you even after he’s truly extracted himself. And as things progress with you, hopefully, the luster of these memories will fade, and the more present moments with you will take over the forefront of his mind and heart. We just don’t think he’s quite ready yet.

We know you think this man is special but don’t wait forever, and don’t sacrifice everything just to be with him. What we mean is don’t sacrifice who you are and who you want to be, just to be with this man. Twenty years is quite a gap, and although it’s not impossible to bridge that gap, he has a lot of time on you where he’s explored and lived. Don’t stop living your life and pursuing your goals to be with him or any man. Stay true to yourself.

Keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment or comments.

THE GUYS

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Online dating question

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Recent questions:

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Hi guys,

I recently came across your Podcasts and I wanted to let you know that I really enjoy and appreciate what it is that you guys do. It’s refreshing to hear from men that can seriously answer questions from women without a bunch of high-fiving and smart comments!

So here’s my question… About 3 years ago I was in a relationship with a man who died unexpectedly. We hadn’t been dating that long but I was still pretty shaken up by the experience and have been a little gun-shy about dating since then. A friend of mine suggested that I give on-line dating a try so I did. After having a profile up for a few weeks I started corresponding with a man which eventually moved into talking on the phone. He lived one town over so we decided to get to know each other a bit before committing to a visit. I felt like we were really hitting it off… we would talk sometimes for 3-4 hours at a time, always laughing and having conversations that I really enjoyed. We talked on the phone every night for about 10 days in a row when we started to make plans to meet. I was really excited about the possibilities and just knew in my heart that I would get along really well with this guy. Then, one night during our conversation he asked me why I wasn’t currently in a relationship so I told him about what had happened with my last boyfriend. He was very nice, acted like it was no big deal and even offered to listen if I ever wanted to talk about it. So we said goodnight soon after and I went to bed. After that I never talked to him again… I received a few text messages but eventually those died off as well. Needless to say, I was disappointed but I tried to take it in stride. I realize that not every person that I meet or talk to is going to be interested in me.

My question for you guys though… do you think that revealing to this guy that my last boyfriend had passed away could have scared him off? Should I not tell people that I meet in the future about it? I try not to make it a big deal but it does affect how I think about relationships, so I want to be upfront, but I don’t want men thinking that I have a ton of emotional baggage either. Also, I know that you can’t read his mind but could you try to give me some kind of insight into what he could have been thinking? I’m trying to be practical about this but it still hurts when you think that you’ve connected with someone and they disappear.

Thanks again for all that you do!

Megan

Dear Megan,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry to hear about your ex-boyfriend. Whether you knew him a month or ten years, it’s never easy to have someone die, especially unexpectedly. But you still sound open to beginning a new relationship, even as you deal with the loss. So that’s a positive moving forward.

We think it might have been too soon to tell this man about your past. Not all men are going to be spooked, but he definitely was. We’re curious how you told the story, or how you plan to tell it in the future? Your instincts are good about being open, and not hiding your past, but there’s a time and a place for everything. And there’s also a HOW. Since we don’t know the details on what happened with your ex, we can’t say what the best way to approach it is, but we will say there’s definitely many ways to tell your story, and you have to think carefully about the best way to open up. And of course you’ll have to modify it for each person, since everyone is different.

Now as far as WHEN to say something: If someone asks you again why you are single, just tell them you’ve been in a few relationships that didn’t work out and leave it at that. You’re not lying, you’re just holding off on a few details until things are a little more solidified with the new person. And by that we mean going out on actual dates over a few months or so.

Unfortunately you’ve acquired baggage from your past. Like people who are divorced, or those with kids, you now come with a more complex bag of “stuff” than the average single person. Of course you don’t mention how old you are, so we assume you are younger than most “widows,” which might be the reason this guy got spooked. Guys don’t expect to hear about ex-boyfriends dying if they meet a girl in her twenties, thirties, and maybe even forties. And it’s definitely enough to cause him to bolt because he assumes you’ll be coming with a lot of emotional baggage, as you feared. But once again, only because it was too soon to tell him, and because he didn’t know you beyond your conversations on the phone. He pictured you as this fun loving, smart, sexy woman, and after you told him about your past, that perception changed. The fun loving piece was likely replaced by a much more serious image of you, which he wasn’t ready to deal with. We’re sorry. It isn’t fair, and isn’t cool, but at least you’ll know moving forward that you have to be a bit more protective of your past, at least at the beginning.

And finally just to reiterate, think about how you want to deliver this message to someone new. Ultimately the right person will accept you for who you are, and what you bring to the table.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment. And let your friends know about us.

Am I being used?

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Recent questions:

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Dear Guys,

I have known this guy for 2 years. We hit it off immediately. He was intense at first and then backed off, saying things were going too fast. I made the mistake of being “too available”. When I asked about a relationship, he declined. I then didn’t return calls for months. He continued to try to contact me. I saw him a couple of times, then cut it off again.

Now, I’m seeing him again. He seems a little different…told me he missed me…we’re getting along fine and he’s contacting me regularly. He’s really busy with his job now – it’s seasonal and he has very little free time. I wonder if the few times I see him are because he’s horny. He met my mom when she came to visit. I’m taking it slow – not contacting him, but waiting to hear from him. When he’s less busy, I’ll try to confront him about where this is going. We are young. We met very young and I understand he’s not ready. I wasn’t either, initally. He constantly tells me how beautiful and sexy I am. I don’t see him much, but worry this is all physical…why has he contacted me regularly for 2 years, even when I haven’t responded for months at a time?

Do you think I’m wasting my time? I admire him and would like a relationship, but am afraid of losing him altogether. Help!

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Thanks for your question.

No we don’t think you’re being used, but yes, it might be all physical at least at this point. Sound confusing? Not really.

The easiest way to find out the answer to your question is to inquire whether or not he’s having sex with other people. If he is then he’s also using you for sex. If he’s not having sex with other people, it might be a good time to start directing some of these questions to him. We realize you’re both young, but if you’re old enough to have sex, you’re old enough to talk maturely about the future.

We get a lot of questions from women who are having physical relations, but have no idea what their guy is thinking, or where the relationship is going. Call us old-fashioned, but why!!?? No one can ever be 100% sure of anything, but it seems to us—unless it’s a one night stand, which of course can impose its own set of problems—that a woman would want to know where she stood before she climbed between the sheets, or in the back seat of a car.

Talk to your guy before this goes any further. Find out where his head’s at. Tell him where you’re coming from. Don’t be scared of the truth, because the truth is always a relief, one way or another.

Finally, you mention the word “admire” in your letter to us, and that makes us kind of nervous. The way you used it made us think that you look up to this guy. If this is true, you need to take a hard look at that. (If it’s not true, you can ignore the remaining text.) You should never put anyone above you. It’s okay to admire qualities a guy might possess. (He might be honorable, trustworthy, smart, funny, courageous, sensitive, bold, etc.) But to date someone because they’re good at sports, music, or some other pursuit, is not a good idea. This only tells you what they excel at, not who they are.

Amanda, we’re not sure what exactly you meant when you said you “admired” him, but we will say if you feel at all inferior to this man, you might need to do some of your own work before you jump into a relationship. When the balance of power is unequal in a relationship the door is open to strife and unhappiness for one or both parties. You want to enter into a relationship feeling strong, confident, sexy, and grounded.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment. And check back for other comments. And let your friends know about us. Thanks.

Booty caller wants a sleepover

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Recent questions:

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

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Dear Guys,

Let’s start here; I’m 20 and he’s 25. He is the older brother of one of my closest guy friends. I met this guy almost two years ago. When we met we both had just recently come out of serious relationships; his lasted 5 years and mine 3 years. I slept over (no sex) when we first started dating, this was about two months after I had ended my previous relationship. After three months of dating I broke it off-he didn’t have time to be in a relationship from my point of view. By this time we had a sexual relationship.

It’s been almost two years since then and we’ve kept in touch and kept our sexual relationship going. He’s made it clear that he’s not ready for a real relationship and I’ve accepted it. Every so often he’ll give me a call saying he misses me and that he wants to see me and wants to “watch a movie.” When we’re done “watching a movie” we’ll snuggle and listen to some music and pretty much just hang out. I always go home to sleep in my own bed. However, he’s tried to guilt me into spending the night a few times recently. When I don’t want to go over or when I say it’s too late or that I’m tired he’ll just say “spend the night” or “we don’t have to have sex, just sleep over.” I’ve made it clear before that I wont be sleeping over. We both know we only have a sexual relationship (booty call in lesser terms) and spending the night has a little more meaning to me to start doing it in this kind of relationship. So my question is: why does he insist on asking to spend the night when he already knows I’ll say no? Isn’t the guy the one who should be running away from the sleepovers not asking for them?

Isabelle

Dear Isabelle,

Thanks for your question. This is an interesting reversal of the natural order.

We just need to ask you this question: If he WAS ready to be in a relationship would you be open to it? It sounded like you were interested in having a relationship with him in the past. Are you still? (Leave us a follow up comment.)

We’re not quite sure how to interpret your note. It seems that you like this guy but you’re keeping him at a distance by not sleeping over. This way you won’t get hurt. If that’s the case we think you really need to reevaluate what you’re doing. If you don’t trust him, why are still having sex with him? Do you really think it’s healthy for your overall state of mind? If you’re truly with him just for the sex, wouldn’t it be better to start dating someone else you can trust, and who is ready for a committed relationship? Check out our last post entitled, Friends with benefits. This might give you some additional insight into this type of relationship.

So let’s address your actual question.

We can think of several possible reasons he is asking you to sleep over.

1. He is lonely and would like to have someone in his bed for a night every once in a while. Yes, guys can get lonely too. Or even bored.

2. He wants sex in the morning too.

3. He actually has changed his mind and wants to start a more serious relationship with you.

Our initial feeling was: you should move on. But after reading your note several more times and discussing it, we’re not so sure. Maybe he has changed his mind about a relationship with you? We’re mixed on this. But here’s what we think you should do: You need to figure out what you want. It’s not clear to us what that really is. Once you figure that out, we think you’ll see things more clearly, and know how to proceed. Have you ever thought of asking him why he wants you to sleep over?

A “booty caller” relationship certainly can be fun, but after a while it’s like an endless holding pattern where two people circle and circle, waiting to land.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Friends with benefits

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Recent questions:

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Dear Guys,

I’ve been doing this “friends with benefits” thing with a friend of mine for about a little over a month now. He was recently in a serious relationship, as was I. I made it clear that I was not looking for a relationship and he did as well. We made rules and came to agreements about the situation. One of the major agreements being that we wouldn’t fall for each other and that if one of us did develop feelings we would back out. However, I am starting to develop feelings for him. I get the feeling that he is harboring romantic feelings towards me as well. He’s doing little things like reaching for my hand, running his fingers through my hair, or just pecking me on the lips every once in a while. But he pulls back whenever this side of him starts to show. I am not saying that I necessarily want a relationship with him, but I can’t help but feel this tension between us-not just sexual. I have no idea what to do. I’ve never been in this situation before. I don’t know if I should just ignore my feelings and continue to have fun, or drop the bomb and get it over with. It would also be helpful if you guys could maybe help me understand what this guys mindset might be?

I’d be grateful for any insight you guys might be able to offer… HELP!

Morgarita

Dear Morgarita,

Thanks for your question.

We don’t know who coined the phrase “friends with benefits” but it certainly has become part of the relationship landscape. In some ways it’s a great situation. It’s safe: meaning you’re limiting your number of partners and cutting down the risk of STDs. And the sex is often great because there’s an immediate comfort level, but still with the initial excitement of an early stage relationship. However, it’s also ripe for confusion, frustration, and hurt feelings.

We tend to think guys benefit more from this type of relationship because they seem better able to separate their emotions from their physical desires. We’re not surprised that after a month or so you’re already developing feelings for your friend. It’s natural. Women tend to look for a partner who is funny, smart, interesting, and stable. Sure, good looks and a hot body are important, but they don’t necessarily determine whether or not a woman will fall for a guy. This guy you’re with probably has all of these qualities otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been his friend before you started sleeping with him.

For men, good looks and good sex, are usually must haves. That’s not to say we’re so shallow that we don’t care about humor, smarts, and other important qualities, it just means if we’re not attracted physically the game is over. But one important point to note: men can have sex with a woman and not be interested in anything more. Yes, we like to connect with the women we love through sex, but that doesn’t mean we love all the women we have sex with.

It’s hard to say what is going on his mind. The tender moments you describe could be him falling for you, or they could be part of blurred boundaries that will continue to happen in this relationship you so carefully and cautiously set up. Putting rules in place seems like a very practical thing to do, but rules and relationships have never been ideal partners, because the heart is going to do what it wants without consulting the head. And in your case, that’s what’s happening.

So we say go for it. Get it over with. Drop the bombshell. It’s been about two weeks since you asked this question, so that puts your relationship at around the two month mark. That’s certainly a reasonable time in which to have a more serious discussion, especially since you’ve already been partaking in activities that usually accompany a more serious commitment.

If he tells you he’s not interested you can always salvage your “friends with benefits” relationship. He will still be interested in that scenario pretty much no matter what you say to him. It might be awkward for a little bit, but trust us, he’ll want to continue at some point unless he finds someone else. Of course, we don’t know what you’d get from going back to the way it was if you truly want more from the relationship than just sex. It seems to us, if you do drop the bombshell, you should be prepared for the best and worst. Hopefully he feels the same as you and wants to take this to the next level. And if he doesn’t, at least you’ll have your answer. We’ll say it again, and probably another 100 times: nothing venture, nothing gained.

Good luck Morgarita. We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

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Love or friendship?

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

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Dear Guys,

So this is a long story but here we go.. I’m in need on an emergency session! I was with my boyfriend for five years, and we moved in with my best friend and her boyfriend of two years. My friend and her boyfriend ended up splitting due to her being unfaithful. But me, my boyfriend, and her ex ended up keeping the house. After a few months I noticed that I started developing feelings for my roommate(her ex) and I asked my best friends their opinions.

My best friend of fifteen years moved in with us and knowingly started to go after my roommate just because I had a boyfriend. They hooked up like two times and eventually I found out and it really hurt me.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and my roommate and I have been hooking up-like ALL the way. I really like him, and he said he likes me but I just feel like I might be getting played. My best friend still lives with me but unfortunately we do not speak at all due to some rumors I found out to be true. Also, I’m going to end up losing my other friend who dated my roommate previously once she finds out we hooked up. I really feel amazing to be single again. I’m only 20 years old and after five years I feel so liberated. But at the same time I really do like this guy. I feel like we should take it slow because he could be the one. I never pictured myself with a guy like this, but I’m completely baffled by him and just really need some advice. My emotions and nerves are everywhere.

Help?!

Cort

Dear Cort,

Thanks for writing to us. Sorry you are so frazzled.

But our first reaction is: wow!? If we read your note correctly, you and two of your friends have either dated or hooked up with your current roommate. Does that mean there aren’t a lot of eligible guys where you live, or is this one particular guy that special?

Let’s chat about your friends first. In the world of guys there is a code of conduct when it comes to hitting on women that your buddies have expressed interest in. (Meaning it’s a no, no.) And most guys adhere to this policy. But it sounds like anything goes with you and your friends. When your girlfriend moved in with you did you tell her you were interested in your roommate? If you did, and she still hooked up with him, she doesn’t seem like much of a friend. But on the flip side, you can’t expect people to be hands off some guy you’re possibly interested in when you have a boyfriend yourself. That’s a bit unrealistic.

As far as this guy goes, he’s got it made. He has women throwing themselves at him and he doesn’t even have to leave his apartment. He must feel like one lucky guy. That doesn’t make him a player, more an opportunist. But in your case, neither is all that savory.

We know you say you have feelings for this guy, but you have a lot of sorting out to do. First you need to figure out who your friends are and what role they’re playing in your dating life? Then you need to decide what you really want? Do you want to be single and play the field, or do you want to be in a relationship with this guy? And if you want to be in a relationship with him, do you want it to be exclusive? Because right now he has no reason to change his behavior.

The only way to see what might happen is to let him know you’re interested. Talk to him. See where his head’s at. The problem is that you’ve already set up one type of relationship with him, and sometimes it’s difficult to make a change from one type of relationship-a hook up- to a more serious and committed relationship. It’s more than likely he’ll file away the pleasant memories of this moment in time, and then move on and find a girl he wants to be serious with.

The only way to find out is by putting yourself out there and taking a risk. We wish you the best. It’s not pleasant to do that, but it’s necessary. If it doesn’t work out, you’re probably better off moving out of your apartment and starting over fresh.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

TGP Episode 36: You Tube Sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Sai and Cucch begin the show discussing the reactions to Rebecca Black’s Video, “Friday”

Watch it on You Tube:

Rebecca Black

Should people wear pajamas in public? Cucch and Sai debate the matter during “Youth is Wasted on the Young.”

Father Stories: Sai is given some insight into parenting from a young friend. And he gains a new appreciation.

Ask the Guys: Cucch and Sai answer your dating and relationship questions. Here are the three we answered.

Sabrie: Prom question

Joy: Was he just looking for sex?

Layla: One night stand becomes more.

THE MEAT: What’s their story? In the movie, “Date Night”, Tina Fey and Steve Carell go out to dinner one evening. While dining they make up stories about their fellow patrons. They’re not the first to do this; Sai and Cucch have been doing that for years.

If you have relationship questions, or general questions about guys, leave us a note on the Ask the Guys page of our website: The Guy’s Perspective. We’ll do our best to answer it on the podcast or on the Ask the Guys page. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button on our site. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Some recent questions to check out:

Not sure if he’ll ever commit

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

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Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

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This week’s questions:

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

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Dear Guys,

Hey, sorry this is long.

This guy I used to talk to over the summer I have recently started talking to again. We met last June when mutal friends all went out to a bar. I was interested but he seemed pretty shy so I was the one to approach him. We talked for a little that night and then we saw each other the next week at the same bar. We started talking more and the next time I saw him out he ended up kissing me, but never asked for my number. I ended up being the one to ask, messaging him on Facebook and we exchanged numbers. We hung out a few more times with friends and eventually started talking everyday. We would stay up extremely late talking to each other on the phone about everything. We eventually started hanging out alone, flirting and joking around, enjoying each others company. We even started kissing all the time and stuff but never had sex. I have never met his family and I knew he just got out of a relationship and didn’t want another right then. I then went back to school, which is an hour away from where he lives and we slowly stopped communicating as much. One night I said he was acting weird and he never responded.

I stopped texting him and just got over it and moved on. I heard from a friend that he said he didn’t know why he stopped talking to me and that I was a really nice girl. Since I used to talk to him everyday and we did build a friendship, I contacted him on Christmas to say merry Christmas. We would talk here and there but never like we used to. We hung out once in January with friends and we talked breifly about old times.

In the beginning of March he texted me saying he wanted to come visit. I said he was welcome to whenever and since that night we have started talking everyday again. I went home one weekend shortly after he texted me and we hung out. Everything went great and felt comfortable like it used to. Since then we started hanging out more, he has even come visit here a few times. We talk everyday, mostly through texting but occasionally phone calls. We flirt a lot when we do talk and recently we’ve started having sex. He calls me babe sometimes and sometimes says how he wishes he could be here with me. I usually am the one to actually ask him to hangout but he always seems interested.

I usually tend to push people away but for some reason, not with him. Although I do express my feelings a little bit I definitely hold back a lot because I’m not sure what he wants. I know he wasn’t ready for another relationship over last summer but I’m not sure if he is now, or ever will be!

Audrina

Dear Audrina,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s too early to tell what’s going to happen here. He obviously is interested in you, but as far as a long term interest you’ll just have to wait and see.

We think you need to tone it down and step it up.

You should tone it down by letting him take the initiative more. Let him ask you to do things. You might be frustrated by this if he doesn’t move at a pace of your liking, but it will give you a better indication of his interest. We think you’re making it way too easy for him because you’ve pretty much initiated all the forward movement of this relationship.

You should step it up by expressing your feelings to him. You don’t have to tell him everything, but you need to take this relationship out of your head and onto the table. If you reveal a bit of how you’re feeling, he might open up to you about what’s going on for him.

The last thing we’ll say is: Time will give you more answers. It’s too soon to really know where this is going, especially since you’re at school and essentially in a long distance relationship. The good news is that he seems interested in making the effort to come see you at school, but still he needs to start initiating these weekend hangs. Also, be aware that he could be visiting you just for sex. We’re not saying that’s the case, but guys have been known to travel long distances for some action. This is why you need to start gathering more information soon. But in order to do that you’re going to have to give up some control, externally and internally.

Keep us posted and feel free to ask any follow up questions. Leave us a note in the comment section of this post.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please spread the word and let your friends know about us.

Did I make a mistake by leaving him?

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Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

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Dear Guys,

I was involved with a guy for one year and a month. We are both 19 years old. I broke up with him a few days ago because I love him deeply but he doesn’t love me that way. I wanted a commitment but he doesn’t.

The last few months he kept saying that he is having doubts about “us.” Then he started saying he was too busy with school and work, and that his feelings weren’t there and they would never change.

This all hit me very hard because I gave everything to this guy; I loved him deeply with my all. I just couldn’t take it. We were best friends and could talk about everything. He was saying things like how much of an angel I was to him, etc. So I thought that we were heading somewhere, but apparently he didn’t wanted that at all in the first place I guess.

He started saying he couldn’t promise me anything, and that we’ll see where it goes.

So I broke up with him because I couldn’t live with the insecurity anymore. And also because I deserve someone who wants to fully commit to me and fight for me just as hard as I’m willing to fight. So I left and he agreed with it. I just had enough of the hurt and sadness.

It now has been a few days after breaking up and I miss him really badly. But I deleted him everywhere, so I now have no contact. However I’m really longing to see him or hear from him, but since I was the one who put an end to it I won’t contact him.
All off my friends are telling me that he will now realize what he lost and contact me. And that it is his loss. But how will he realize what he lost if he didn’t realize what he had in the first place? Is there something I can do to make that happen?

Will he ever see and realize what he lost? I still love this guy so much. I just wish that he allowed me to let me in to his heart, to just love him and love me back. It hurt because I did nothing wrong, I just feel not good enough .. I’m very sad. It is SO hard.

What can I do to trigger him in some kind of way to make him realize, to make him miss me even when he probably won’t. I’m just so scared that he will move on as well if I don’t contact him and that he will forget about me totally. He is so stubborn. It is really hard, and this situation seems impossible to turn out right.

Hope you guys will help

Nery

Dear Nery,

Thanks for writing to us.

First of all we’re really sorry you’re in so much pain. Breaking up is very difficult, and we can see how hard this has been on you.

The good news is you didn’t do the wrong thing by breaking up with him. Unrequited love is not the kind of love you’re looking for. Just like you said, you want someone who will give you as much as you’re giving them. You want someone to love you with everything they have, not put up barriers, and place restrictions on the relationship.

So if you know what you want out a relationship then ask yourself what you were getting from this guy. We know that love is difficult to define, and often people don’t have any idea why they love someone; they just do. But let’s move from the heart to the head for a moment and take a hard look at this. What were you getting from the relationship?

How about: mixed signals, excuses, inconsistent behavior on his end. And: insecurity and self-doubt on your end. Not the greatest foundation for a trusting and loving relationship.

So let’s go back to the heart now. You’re in pain and you want to try and make him see how great you are. You want to make him see what he’s missing. And your friends are supporting this. (Good for them. They should have your back.) But you know deep down this isn’t going to work. He hasn’t to come to that realization himself, and based on what you say about him, he doesn’t seem reflective enough to realize it now that you’re broken up. And the other possibility is that he just isn’t into you the way you want him to be. Yes, he may have said those sweet things to you, but without consistent action to back them up, those words are hollow, or even worse could have been used to get what he needed from you.

We don’t like delivering bad news, and this is just our opinion, but we think you have to accept that this is over. It’s natural to be in a lot of pain, and we think it’s okay to let yourself grieve over this. Surround yourself with people who care about you—your friends seem like great candidates–and talk about it as much as you can.

We promise in time the hurt will lessen. And when it does, you’ll have a much better sense of what you want out of a relationship, and what to look for in the next guy.

Until then, take care.

THE GUYS

ps. Be sure to let your friends know about us.

Breaking up

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