The Guy's Perspective &#187; dating advice

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated

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Dear Guys,

So my boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year now. We love each other and we both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. But our families don’t believe that our relationship will hang on through college. I’m going to college to be a teacher after my senior year next year, but he’s going to college to be a doctor next year. We probably won’t get into the same college, so I’m afraid that being in different schools for so many years will be really hard.

Do you have any advice for us?

Grace

Dear Grace,

Thanks for your question.

Your family members are offering their opinions based on percentages, not necessarily because they don’t approve of your relationship. The fact is, most high school relationships don’t last. That doesn’t mean they can’t, it’s just that most people don’t marry their high school sweetheart. Why? Because it’s difficult two keep two people focused, committed, and on the same page, as they traverse through life and gain new experiences. But it’s not impossible.

The first step is commitment. Both you and your boyfriend need to be completely committed to one another. Being at the same school, or in the same town, makes it relatively easy. You see each other every day and you’re constantly affirming your love for each other. But when one person moves away it’s sometimes easy to forget what a great thing you left behind, especially when life is full of interesting new distractions: intense studies, new friends, and beautiful co-eds. These kinds of distractions can easily disrupt even the most seasoned person’s focus and commitment. But for a young person, living on their own for the first time, it’s even more difficult.

So Grace, here are some suggestions to help you keep the connection strong while the two of you are at different colleges. These are not set in stone because life doesn’t always follow a straight and narrow path, but these will help you cover a few important bases.

First: You need to have a discussion BEFORE he leaves on how, and how often, the two of you will communicate. Will it be by phone? By text? Email? IM? And, will you “talk” every day, every other day, once a week? And for how long? And at what times of the day? If the two of you are at different colleges that means your schedules will no longer be in sync. So when will you talk? There will be many times when one of you will be busy with some project or social commitment, etc. How will you handle that? How will the two of you compromise and work this out?

Second: You need to talk about how often you’ll visit. Who will visit whom? Will you alternate visits? And who will pay for plane flights, etc.? You might think this is too basic to even discuss but from our experience the minutia matters. It’s better to discuss something ad nauseum, than be dealt with some surprise you’re not prepared for.

Third: You both need to express your commitment and love for each other often. You won’t be able to rely on touch or proximity when communicating how you feel about one another. So you’ll be forced to communicate verbally or by words on a screen. It won’t be the time to hold back. Be expressive. In order for both of you to feel secure, you both need reassure one another daily about your commitment.

Finally: It’s all about trust Grace. Distance is good at boring holes in the foundation of a relationship. It can cause even the most caring of partners to wonder what’s really going on? But if the two of you work on the relationship daily, and pay attention to how you communicate, the distance shouldn’t crumble your foundation.

We certainly hope this works out for both of you. Sure, life is full of distractions, but if the two of you really love and trust one another, it is possible to make it work.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And give us some love on Twitter. Thanks! @TGPBuzz

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Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Are we “Friends with Benefits” or does he want something more?

Online Dating: Friends with Benefits or something more?

One of the Guys — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 14:49:34 +0000

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

The Ex-Files; Friends with Benefits

I “cheated” on my “Friends with Benefits” and now he hates me

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

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Dear Guys,

I met this guy on an online dating site six months ago. We started dating but it didn’t last very long—about a month or so. We had a lot in common and a very strong physical attraction to one another but were having trouble communicating. (I’m extroverted and feel comfortable talking openly about my feelings and he’s introverted and never wants to talk about how he feels.) So he decided that we should stop seeing each other and that we needed to transition into a platonic friendship. He kept making it clear that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend because he cared about me a lot. I told him I needed space from him before I could start a normal friendship.

After just a week he emailed me saying he missed me and that he hoped I was doing okay. We started working on our friendship after that and decided to try hanging out as friends about a week later. We ended up in bed. We never talked about what happened.

Since then we have basically acted like a couple. We see each other regularly and text every day. I’m the first person he calls when he needs to talk or when something good happens that he’s excited about. He’s been there for me through some really tough times as well. When we go out for drinks or to the movies he always insists on paying. He introduced me to his entire family. When we part ways he always kisses me—on the lips if we’re in private and on the cheek when we’re in public. (We’re both not really into PDA.) When we sleep together it feels intimate. There’s a lot of kissing and cuddling afterwards, and he always asks me to sleep over. We’re basically each other’s best friend at this point and it really feels like we’re in a relationship. I don’t know what to call this though. I’m not sure if he has feelings for me or not. I know I have feelings for him. I want to bring up the possibility of us being “officially” together but I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not. The reasons why we didn’t work the first time no longer apply since we have gotten to know each other so much better since then and we communicate better.

I guess my primary questions are: is this typical FWB behavior, or does me like me? Do you think it’s safe to bring up being officially together?

Thanks!!

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for your question.

No this isn’t typical “friends with benefits” behavior, at least not from our experience. But each arrangement is different depending on how the two people set it up. Some people hang out a lot as friends and only have sex occasionally, maybe after a party where they’ve had a little too much to drink, or something similar to that. Some people might have a regularly scheduled night where they watch a favorite TV show together, get take out food and then do their thang. The variations are endless.

But your situation illustrates the inherent problem with a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Blurring the lines between friendship and intimacy often creates confusion—and we’d say more so for women. Men seem to be able to compartmentalize the physical and emotional more easily. For men these two realms are separate, and one does not necessarily impact the other. But for many women they are often deeply connected. It seems this is true for you.

So the question is, whether or not this is true for him.

From our vantage point it seems like he’s into you. He’s certainly acting like you are his girlfriend by paying for your evenings out, introducing you to his family, and engaging in more intimate gestures—cuddling, kissing—not always associated with FWB. But the only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it. So yes, it’s safe to bring up the topic, but that’s no guarantee you’ll get the answer you’re hoping for. But at least you’ll get some answer. We think it’s always better to know, rather than to wonder.

We know you’re worried that it might be too soon and that you’ll possibly scare him off. But here’s the thing Jenny. Guys usually know right away whether they want to be with a woman. Sure, your situation is slightly different since you were having communication issues early on, but guys certainly know right away if they’re physically attracted to a woman, which without, there is no relationship for a guy. So what that means is, more time together isn’t going to make him more into you than he already is. Trust us, he already knows how he feels, even if he “hems and haws” when you talk. And our rule of thumb is simple when it comes to having “the talk.” If you’re having intimate physical relations it’s not too early to talk about, and define, the relationship.

So we say go for it. And we very much hope it works out for you. (For both of you) But if he says he wants to keep it the way it is—a “friends with benefits” arrangement—at least you’ll have all the information you need to decide how you want to proceed.

We hope this helps. Please keep us posted. (Leave us a comment and we’ll respond back in the comments section.)

Please let your friends know about us. Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

And good luck,

THE GUYS

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Will guys date single moms?

Divorced woman with kids dating a bachelor

One of the Guys — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:33:34 +0000

Read more questions about dating as a single mother:

Dating as a single mom

“Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”

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Dear Guys,

I met the most wonderful man (over 40 and a bachelor) last August. Prior to our relationship he had been in only one long term relationship (14 months), in which he was engaged for about 3 months before he abruptly ended it and blamed her for not being over her ex-husband. This relationship ended two years prior to our meeting.

Just three dates into our relationship he told me he didn’t feel he could proceed if I was not open to getting married. Having such a strong connection early on, I expressed that I would be open to marriage. In the following months, he has talked about getting engaged, living together, and getting married. To the extent that when he joined a country club recently he told me he was putting me down as his wife. I have met all of his friends, his parents, and his siblings. He does not hide me, and even talked about me and our future plans in his Christmas letter for his friends, family and clients. Although, five months is pretty fast, it has felt nothing more than natural.

Then, three weeks ago, I noted he was still friends with his ex-fiance on Facebook and I asked him to remove her. I had a cheating spouse and although I feel these are my trust issues, I trusted this man beyond the confines of Facebook. He said he would but then two weeks later she was still there and when approached he said he would not remove her as her family were his friends and clients and he did not want to ‘upset the apple cart’ for what he calls a non-issue. In the meantime, he gets upset with me and blames me for not trusting him, then in a turn tells me that my kids disrespect me too much—they are 13 & 17—and he can’t live in that type of household. And does not feel he wants to enter into any kind of financial contract with me but he still wants us to move forward and not end our relationship.

Now, I am confused. In my many attempts to talk to him, I get put off, told we live too far away (45 min) from each other and he won’t be able to spend as much time with me anymore as his workload has been increasing. So, I am still confused, bewildered, and feel he is pushing me away. However, instead of wanting to talk about all of this, he tells me he loves me and cares for me deeply. But he tells me he is unsure of how to proceed. He then tells me he needs time to think about everything and that he is not in the same place in our relationship as I am and he doesn’t feel he is ready for marriage or co-habitation. OH… HELLO… he has been the one all along who has been talking of this.

Yes, I am certainly ready to marry him, as up until now I could honestly say I had met the man of my dreams, my soul mate. Sure, I felt we were ready to continue to move forward but now I am just confused. I am giving him the time and space for him to think about what he wants, told him to take his time to really make the best choice for him.

I am heart broken to say the least, after my divorce three years ago (married 17 years) I thought I would never open my heart up again to this magnitude. I feel lost and helpless.

Should I wait it out? Does he just have cold feet? Am I wrong to think that he has kept his ex his friend because he wants to keep a door open to a possible reconcilliation? What am I missing?

Thanks in advance for your point of view!

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling heartbroken. Hopefully we can shed some light on your situation.

Meeting someone in your early twenties is so simple isn’t it? Typically, you meet, you fall in love, you get married, you buy a house, and you have kids. But beginning a relationship in your 40s is a whole different ballgame. Those extra twenty years are full of life experiences. Some people might call this baggage, but we feel that often has a negative connotation associated with it. We like to say people have just matured and seasoned a bit, as the two of you have.

And it’s that seasoning that has thrown this guy off. He’s finally opened his eyes and realized that if he wants to be with you he needs to accept and welcome the entire package, and that’s what he’s struggling with right now. But from our point of view, you seem like an easy person to be with. You’re open to dialogue, you want to understand your partner and you want to work through issues. Those are some of the important ingredients to having a successful marriage/partnership. If he doesn’t see that, or frankly, thinks he’s going to find a “perfect” situation where he doesn’t have to deal with any issues at all, he’s sorely mistaken. He only needs to look at his own situation to realize that no one is a blank slate, and what makes people interesting—and probably why he fell for you—is who they’ve become based on their life experiences.

As far as his ex-wife on Facebook, well, that is a non-issue. Sure, he shouldn’t have told you he was going to remove her when he really didn’t want to, but we don’t see a problem with it. Typically, people who divorce don’t reunite with their ex. And really, there’s no reason he can’t be friends with her, or remain connected with some of their mutual friends. Just because he didn’t want to be in a marriage with her doesn’t mean he should throw away all the other connections he made while he was married to her. And the fact that he has an amicable relationship with his ex also shows he’s not a bitter and angry person, and one to hold grudges. That bodes well for your relationship if it works out.

We can see why you’d be confused by his behavior though—his backpedaling especially—but from a guy’s perspective it’s pretty typical. Here’s what guys do when they meet someone they’re attracted to.

Stage 1. Pursue, pursue. (They just have to be with this woman)

Stage 2. They finally attain what they were pursuing and it’s bliss. (For a while at least.)

Stage 3. They start thinking she might be the one. (Yes, guys do that too) They’re still in the fantasy world.

Stage 4. Reality sets in. They think, “I’ll never be able to have sex with anyone else. Hmm…Do I want to be with her forever? She might be great in bed but I there’s this other thing.” (Fill in the blank for what that ‘other thing’ might be) And finally he’s thinking about the hot “redheaded bartender” and the “girl at the supermarket” and his “c0-worker” etc. The reality stage is a big deal for guys.

Stage 5. Bolt or commit. (This is the fork in the road. Many guys bolt here, and some guys decide to proceed forward, although still scared.)

Getting from Stage 1 to Stage 5 can take two weeks or two years. (Those are random numbers to illustrate a point. Each guy is different.)

You are currently at Stage 5. And you are waiting patiently. Good for you.

So to answer your questions(Our opinions):

Yes he’s having cold feet.

And yes, you should wait it out. (For a bit.)

No, he’s not looking to get back with his ex.

Yes, at some point you need to talk all of these issues through. He might be the ‘man of your dreams’ but if he refuses to open up and talk about everything, the relationship will probably never transition from the dream world to the real one.

Good luck and hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Long distance false start: Can I get it going again?

One of the Guys — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 14:05:31 +0000

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Readers: Scroll to bottom of post for more questions about Long Distance Relationships.

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Hi Guys,

I met an amazing man on a vacation last March. He was very clearly smitten with me. And although we live far away from each other, he seemed really interested in pursuing a relationship following the vacation. We texted and called each other several times a day for several weeks following the trip and talked about future trips we’d like to plan together.

At first it was platonic, because I had not yet ended my long term, yet failing relationship, back home. But, when I felt myself really falling for this new guy, I felt both elated and guilty. I felt sure I’d met a man I could spend the rest of my life with. He was kind and inclusive and interested and shared deep feelings with me. He talked about what life would be like if we were in it for the long term. Mutual friends from the vacation felt sure that I could have him if I wanted him. But, I also wanted to be honorable and kind to my old boyfriend and settle things with him before moving into something new. When I was honest about this, the new guy was at first very understanding, but as I took a few weeks to settle with my ex, my new guy became discouraged and decided we should just be friends, and he opted to date someone local instead.

A mutual friend says that new guy was incredibly into me, but he couldn’t see it working because I was still involved with my ex and then he talked himself out of it due to the long-distance. About a month later, new guy contacted me again and told me that he wasn’t that into his new girl. He said he felt comfortable with her, but that she wasn’t very exciting and staying with her might be like settling. Perhaps he was feeling out my situation. He invited me to travel with him. I was not available to travel at the time but I told him how happy I was to hear from him. But, I’ve hardly heard from him since.

He’s still with the other girl. What happened? Has he decided to just settle with her? Has their relationship grown close? What now? Do I contact him to declare my feelings? Do I just try to occasionally communicate as friends and hope that he’ll take the initiative again some day? Do I cut him off entirely so I don’t feel tortured anymore? The problem is that I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life. My feelings were so strong for him and his for me during those first few weeks. So strong that I can’t get him out of my mind and I don’t want to forget about him. What should I do?

Mia

Dear Mia,

Thanks for your question.

It seems to us that this guy’s uncertainty stems from your situation with your ex-boyfriend, not because he’s not into you. And while we very much respect how you handled breaking up with your ex it’s now time to reach out to this new guy. If you really like him as much as you say you do why are you making him work so hard? And when he contacted you again, why wouldn’t you offer him some other possibility to get together even if you couldn’t travel at the time? Now what is he supposed to think? So the ball is clearly in your court. You’ve got to be the one to take the initiative.

Remember Mia, the nature of this situation is very tenuous. You met on vacation. And as you know vacations always have an element of fantasy to them. Not only do you travel to a new place, but in some ways you travel away from yourself. Often when you meet someone in that setting it can get intense quickly. But when people return to their daily lives that’s when doubts and insecurities can start developing. (They did for him) So yes, he might have been understanding at first, and probably respected you for being honorable with your boyfriend, but a man can only take so much, especially if he’s only known you for a week. And so we imagine he started questioning himself. “Do I really know this woman? What am I doing? Was this something I just made up in my head? Maybe she’s not as into me as I’m into her?”

But you ask, “Why is he dating this other girl?” Unfortunately it’s for comfort, which isn’t great for her. But this guy has convinced himself that the situation with you–the girl of his dreams possibly—isn’t going to work, so he’s seeking solace in another woman’s arms or bed. And while we don’t condone taking advantage of another woman we completely understand why he’s doing it. And probably there’s an element of ‘well she did it so I’m going to as well’ going on.

So to answer your question, yes, you can get this going again. But the ball is in your court. And frankly what do you have to lose by telling him how you feel? Life is full of risks, but putting your heart on the line for love seems well worth it. If it doesn’t work out at least you’ll have no regrets. And if it does, well you know better than we do how that will feel.

Be strong and just go for it.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated

I want a real relationship, not just a sexual one

One of the Guys — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 15:35:49 +0000

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call. We seem to be getting a ton of these lately.

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits?

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more?

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

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Dear Guys,

So I met this guy and thought he was attractive, but he was dating someone at the time. We became friends and he eventually ended up dumping the girl he was seeing. A few days later, after having a little too much to drink, we ended up sleeping together. I wasn’t really expecting it to go anywhere then but it’s been over a year and we’re still ‘hooking up’ exclusively. I feel like we have a good thing going but I still kind of want an actual relationship. I’ve asked him about it and he says that he loves me but after what he went through with his ex, he can no longer trust anyone and doesn’t think he’ll ever fall IN love again.

Is there anything I could maybe do to try and show him that not every person he gets involved with will hurt him and maybe change his mind?

Hopelessly Hopeful

Dear Hopelessly Hopeful,

Thanks for your question.

Maybe your guy was hurt in his previous relationship, and maybe he’s still working through some things, but he’s also milking it for all it’s worth. And speaking of milk, what’s the saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” At this point you’re in a “friends with benefits/booty call” relationship for which he has no incentive to change a thing.

And that’s one of the difficult aspects of this kind of arrangement. Once a FWB arrangement is established—even if it is exclusive—it’s very difficult to transition to a “real relationship.” But if you really want a committed relationship with this guy then you need to talk to him openly and tell him exactly what you want. Tell him how you feel and try to reassure him that his heart is safe with you. But remember, you also deserve to have someone you can trust with your heart. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you beyond the bedroom. If you don’t see this situation moving in the right direction you might need to ask yourself a hard question. “Is this man, really the man I think he is?”

We hope this works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits?

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

I cheated on my “Friends with Benefits” guy and now he hates me

One of the Guys — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 11:48:04 +0000

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more?

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

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Dear Guys,

HELP! I dated my FWB (Friends with Benefits) for eight months. He treated me badly. Forgot my birthday. Gave back the Xmas gifts I bought him because he said he didn’t like them. Screamed at me on Xmas because his car broke down. And more.

He used to be a gentleman but it changed over time. I now pay for our dinner dates. I’ve helped him with his paperwork at his job so he could meet deadlines. I was over supportive. After eight months I asked him if we could be together (labeled girlfriend) and he said he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend because he was too busy working three jobs.

I got fed up, and slept with another guy, took a pic of the guy in my bed and texted it to my FWB, and told him to F off. I guess it was eight months of pent-up frustration after tolerating disrespect and constant put downs. He told me he didn’t love me, acted like he didn’t care if I dated other men. (All I ever wanted was him.) I told him to block my number if he didn’t like the texts I was sending. I went off on a rant, but he wouldn’t block me. He told me I ruined anything that we could of possibly had.

My question? What did I ruin? He never wanted a relationship, and if we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, I didn’t technically cheat on him. He’s been stringing me along and I guess he didn’t see this coming. I gave him everything. I feel so unappreciated and degraded, but I take full responsibility because I enabled his behavior. Now after he saw the text, he said bye and that he didn’t care anymore, and that he’s done trying; then I said goodbye too.

An hour later he rings my phone but I let it go to voicemail. Later on the same day he texts and asks me to schedule an eye doctor appointment so he can get glasses. (I work at Optometrist office, and in the past I scheduled and went to the eye doctor with him.) This time I ignored his text. The next day I got another text from him asking me to schedule an eye doctor appointment for him. Again, I ignored it. If we are broken up, then all contact should be severed. The following day, instead of texting he IMs
me on Google and asks the same question and I ignored that as well.

He didn’t contact me anymore after that. I miss him terribly, but I know I deserve better. I would just want to know what could possibly be going through his mind? Now that I am gone and standing my ground—which I have never done with him in the past because I have spoiled him rotten—do you think he is finally starting to realize how he mistreated me throughout the relationship? Please help, I am heartbroken, but determined to move forward. It was childish of me to send that pic to him, but I reached the end of my rope. I wasted eight months being strung along while he enjoyed the benefits. He treated me very badly…

Chanel

Dear Chanel,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so down right now. Hopefully as you have some space and time to take a look at your relationship the pain will lessen.

We’re not going to give you a hard time about your actions. You know it wasn’t the best idea to send him that text, although it probably felt good at the time. (And we totally get why you’d want to send it.) But the problem is there’s nowhere to go from there. You’re basically acknowledging the relationship is over. And in addition, when you do something like that it tends to shift the spotlight on you rather than on his poor behavior over the course of your relationship. In some ways it lets him off the hook.

But you didn’t cheat on him. At least technically. Because you’re right, there’s typically no commitment in a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement unless exclusivity was discussed ahead of time. And frankly by the way he acted all throughout your time together we don’t see that you owed him anything.

Here’s the problem with a FWB arrangement. It always seems like such a good idea at the onset. But when guys propose a FWB relationship they mean just that: casual sex with no strings attached. When women agree to this type of arrangement, often they are hoping something more might develop. And this illustrates a striking difference between men and women. Men are able to separate the physical from the emotional more easily than women, so a FWB relationship can work for them. (Although we’d like to qualify that by saying, men also suffer from this type of situation. Any self-respecting man understands he’s hurting the woman he’s having sex with even if he tries to ignore that nagging feeling. It’s not good for his soul or his karma.)

It’s very natural for you to miss him even if he treated you badly, which he did. We’re sure he must have some positive qualities otherwise you wouldn’t have lasted eight months; but from what you describe he’s got a lot of work to do on himself. And ultimately you’re right; you deserve much better. Acknowledging this is a step in the right direction.

So why is he contacting still? You’re familiar to him. And convenient. Sure, maybe he’s feeling some regret and remorse but more likely he believes he still holds some power over you and thus can contact you to help him. It doesn’t make a lot of sense maybe, but to us his actions after the two of you “broke up” illustrate even more clearly why you need to move on. A guy who’s able to flip a switch like that and transition so easily into survival mode isn’t a guy who is going to meet your emotional needs.

Our advice: Don’t get sucked back into his den. Be strong. Learn from your mistakes and apply that new knowledge to your next relationship. And don’t settle. That means, no more FWB arrangements. They don’t work.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us in person, and on Twitter. Thanks! @TGPBuzz

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Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Are we “friends with benefits” or does he want something more?

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

The Ex Files; friends with benefits?

One of the Guys — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 12:57:51 +0000

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

_________________________________

Alright Guys,

It’s been over a year since my ex and I broke up. We had a really strong connection but things only lasted for a month. In that month he told me he loved me and eventually I did too. I lost my virginity to him, so pretty much everything just moved way too fast. I broke up with him because I found out my grandma was dying from cancer and I was just a wreck. For some reason, I acted crazy. I admit that I pissed him off a lot.

Since the break up we have gone through many stages. (Cycle) He’d be mean. I’d ignore him. He’d text or call. I’d finally talk to him. We’d hook up again. Then he’d get a girlfriend. I’d get confused. He’d break up with her. I’d ignore him. Then we’d talk to clear the air some more. We’d fool around a little, etc. I’d get more confused.

Finally after this went on for a while he asked if we could be “F… Buddies.” I told him I had to think about it, but I knew deep inside that I loved the idea. He was the only guy I have ever been comfortable with physically and emotionally. Sure I’ve slept with a few guys since the break up but nothing ever felt right. I was joking and told him, “If we do this you can’t fall in love with me.” And he said, “Remember we tried that already and it didnt work?”

A week went by and he texted me and we decided to hook up. It was the best sex I’ve ever had. We didn’t talk for a while and then we saw each other at the club that we met at. This is where I got completely confused. He was all over me. (He would normally never do that in public.) He was holding my hand and constantly hugging me. Every time I would go to the bathroom he would kiss me; he had his arms wrapped around me constantly, and he wasnt trying to be sneaky. AHHHH I dont know what that means!? Being “friends with benefits” usually means emotionless sex and I just feel like he was being way too affectionate.

He is the most confusing man in the world. He asks to be my “F… buddy” but he’s only really attempted to contact me about hooking up once; he doesnt make any effort. So I need help; should I end this? Does he still have feelings for me? And why does it seem like he’s the only one who gets me? Is he just lonely?

Pleaseeee help, this has been going on for a year and I’m going crazy!

Ella

Dear Ella,

Thanks for your question, or rather questions. We’ll try to help you sort this out.

Based on many of your statements you seem to have conflicting feelings swirling inside you. On the one hand you say you want emotionless sex, but on the other hand you seem like you really want to have a deeper connection with this guy—you say ‘he’s the only one who gets you.’ So which is it? “Friends with Benefits” or deeper relationship? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Be honest. If he came to you and said, “Ella, I love you, and I’ll do anything to show you how much, let’s give a real relationship a try” what would you do? Would you be excited? Would you run for the hills? Which? Those answers should determine your course of action here.

Having said all that we doubt he’s going to come to you and say anything remotely romantic. In fact it doesn’t seem like this guy is ready to get serious about anything. He’s too busy trying to keep you off-balance, and frankly he’s doing a damn good job at it. If you really want to be involved with him on any level, be prepared to be confused and frustrated.

Also keep in mind Ella that this guy was your “first.” There’s always something extra special, or certainly extra memorable, about any first. First kiss. First Crush. First Love. First Sexual Encounter. Those memories stay with us forever and they impact all of our seconds, thirds, and fourths. But don’t kid yourself and think he’ll be the only guy you will ever have amazing sexual chemistry with. In fact we would contend that with an actual emotional connection added to the mix, you might even have a more intense physical connection with someone new.

Lastly, if you’re agreeing to have a “friends with benefits” relationship with this guy in hopes that he will eventually come around we think you should rethink that course of action. That’s a recipe for a broken heart.

There’s lots to think about Ella. The biggest question should be about what you want, not what he’s thinking. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. Readers, please jump in and give your opinions.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Are we “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) or does he want something more?

One of the Guys — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 11:42:42 +0000

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Showing too much love to my sister

_______________________________

Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading this as I really could do with a male perspective. I’m a little confused!

Beginning of December I met this guy when I was out one night. He’s a friend of my sister’s. I said hi and carried on with my night. But then out of nowhere he just pounces on me and pretty much snogs my face off. Okay, we were both drunk so I didn’t think much of it. That same night he comes back to my place and we stay up talking, hugging, and kissing but no sex.

Anyway so we start seeing each other twice a week, and eventually get down and dirty. All is good. After the first week of “seeing” him he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious as he’s just come out of a relationship and is still hurt. Fair enough, but I’m surprised at his honesty so early on. Three weeks later, he’s at my place and we are chatting and he tells me that he has realized that he is over his ex. I say that I’m pleased for him—cause he was hurt about it—and leave it at that.

So, last Friday I was invited to stay at his place. We stayed up all night talking etc He was asking a lot about my previous relationships and generally a lot of personal questions. At one point we were giving each other a lot of banter and I said something like, “You wanna get the Hoover in here sometime!” (Note to readers: THE GUYS think she means a vacuum cleaner.) He said that was a job for me. To which I replied, “That’s not the job of a weekend (Blank-another word for having sex).” So then his face dropped and he sat down really quietly and just looked at me. I asked him if he was okay, he said no I had pissed him right off! I asked what I’d said or done wrong. Apparently it was the weekend (blank) comment. I pointed out that that was what we did so I didn’t get his reaction at all. He then said, “Yeah I know but you obviously don’t realize that I do actually care about you.” I said, “Okay we’ll be friends with benefits then.” But then he said he didn’t like that term being used for us. So I just left it at that.

Next morning he gets a text saying his dad, sis and bro are coming round to his place. (His family is very close.) I say that I should probably head off then, but then he says there’s no need for me to go and that he’s sure they would like to meet me. So I stayed, met them—it seems that they were already aware of who I was—and went home a few hours later. Later that day he texts me and asks how I’m feeling and that his family really liked me.

So tell me…what is he thinking? What does he want? Does he want to go further but is maybe putting it off because of his ex-girlfriend? Any advice would be appreciated, especially as it’s from a male point of view!

Also just to add, I have a little boy who is 6, which he was already aware of as we knew each other before. He was very keen to meet him which I kept putting off until just recently. (He questioned me a lot about why I was doing that!) They get on well when he’s here.

Another point to add. When we first met he said he was hoping to go to America in May to work and was awaiting an interview. He got the job. He said to me the other night that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go anymore and maybe he would stay and get a proper job. Obviously this could be nothing to do with what what’s been going on between us but I thought it might help to paint a better picture.

Also, FYI, I am 29 and he is 25.

I can’t thank you enough for reading this and really look forward to your reply!!

Louise

Dear Louise,

Thanks for your question.

Any guy that encourages you to meet his family is likely interested in more than just a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement. And the fact that his family already seemed to know about you means he’s been telling them all about this great girl he’s been seeing.

Part of the confusion here is that this relationship started off at a bar, with drink in hand, and sex on the mind, instead of beginning on a more traditional path of, first date, second date, third date, etc. But the good news is you’ve still managed to arrive at a good place with mutual respect still in tact.

From where we stand he’s into you. But it’s likely he’s a little gun shy since he’s coming out of a broken relationship. But here are the telltale signs that he’s thinking seriously about you.

1. He says he genuinely cares about you.

2. He gets hurt when you label the relationship as “FWB.”

3. He wants you to meet his family.

4. He is accepting of your son.

5. He’s not sure he wants to go to America anymore. (And don’t kid yourself. This is definitely about you!)

So maybe the more pertinent question Louise is, what do you want? If he wants to be in a committed relationship with you are you open to that? Does the thought make you excited? Scared? It’s important for you to have this conversation with yourself and truly ask yourself how you feel about this man. Because not only will your answer impact you, it will also impact your son.

If you really want to take this to the next level you might need to be the one to initiate that conversation since he’s probably a bit shaken from his recent breakup. But from what we can tell, he seems like he’d be very open to talking about it.

Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask us a follow up question. (See comments below. We’ll respond here as well.)

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some other questions to check out:

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Why is he not asking me out?

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

Military relationship: What do I do?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

I am confused about this guy; are we in a relationship?

One of the Guys — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:21:38 +0000

We’re looking for Women Writers. Check out our “Women Speak” page for more details on how to submit your work. If you’re not a writer, let your writer friends know. (We’ll happily promote your blog, website, project, or book at the end of your piece.)

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

My son is throwing his life away on a woman with three kids

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

___________________________

Hi Guys!

First of all I’m 23 and my guy is 22. Let’s call him Alex. We met about 4-5 months ago. We have kissed, held hands, cuddled, etc. (No sex yet, though he really wants to do it.) I like him but his actions are somehow confusing.

Alex is usually nicer and more attentive over texts and/or Facebook messages. He texts me at least once per day—random stuff and at random times—and that’s the only time when we have conversations about our relationship.

I already said that he really, really wants to do ‘it’, but I’m not ready. I had a horrible experience with my last boyfriend and I haven’t dated or tried to be in a relationship with anyone since then. (More than 4 years now). However, Alex said that he is willing to wait until the time comes, which I find really sweet of him! He doesn’t know and never asked for the details of what happened between me and my last boyfriend either.

The problem I face sometimes is that when we are together he is usually the one talking and it is almost all the time about him. I barely say anything and when I do I don’t feel like he is actually that interested. He interrupts and says things completely off topic. He rarely asks about my life. I’m learning a lot about him, but he’s not learning much about me.

On occasion he mentions his previous girlfriends. He also talks about his really beautiful friends and/or the kind of women he finds attractive. (At really random times which doesn’t bother me as much, as in I don’t get angry, but it does worry me a bit.) And the other thing is, I don’t really know what are we. I would like to call us a couple, but so far he hasn’t introduced me as ‘his girlfriend’ and I have even met his father. (Which he did not introduce to me, but we talked anyways.) During the first time we tried to be more intimate I did ask him if he was serious and he said yes with no pauses, no signs of frustration, just a calm attitude. He also told me why he liked me. (I am his friend and also a pretty gal.)

Do I have any reason to worry? Or am I just being needy/jealous/ partially paranoid due to my past experiences? I know my own fears might be part of the problem, but I do like him and overall when we are together—even if we are just watching a movie—I am quite happy. But I want us to be closer in a more emotional/mental way as well as the physical.

Thank you very much for the help and I apologize in advance for the trouble.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question. This is no trouble at all. That’s what we’re here for.

We can understand why you’re feeling a bit unsure. We’ll try to address each of your concerns one at a time.

1. His interest in you

Sometimes young guys are clueless when it comes to asking questions and engaging in an actual conversation. They can get so wrapped up in their own world that they forget that they’re not necessarily the most fascinating creatures on the planet. We’re sure you don’t find everything he says to be that interesting, and you probably don’t care about half the topics, but you do care about him enough to try to listen and support him when he’s telling you about his life and his interests. This might come naturally to you, but clearly it doesn’t come naturally to him. So you need to gently interject things about you, and steer the topic toward some of the things you want to talk about. If he starts losing attention, or starts to digress or go off-topic, you need to point this out to him nicely. He probably has no idea he’s doing this. (At least we hope he has no idea.)

2. Sex

There are two relationship stages for guys. Before sex, and after sex. The before sex stage is the fantasy stage. The hunt. A guy will sometimes be extra nice and extra attentive in this stage; not because he’s being manipulative—although that’s possible—but because his hormones are raging out of control. Picture a balloon that’s been blown up until it can’t hold any more air; and then picture it as it’s released into the air. This is how a guy feels when he’s pursuing a woman he’s interested in. This stage could also account for why your guy is nicer to you via text rather than in person. Texting and Facebook messaging fall into the fantasy realm believe it or not. It’s all about being more interested in the chase rather than the actual prize.

After a guy finally manages to have sex with the woman he is pursuing, the haze lifts from his mind and he can finally see clearly for the first time. This is when many women write to us and wonder what happened. They say, “Everything was wonderful until we spent the weekend together. The sex was great, but now he’s distant and he hardly texts me, and he takes forever to get back to me.”

It’s at this stage where a guy will assess and try to understand why he’s feeling differently all of a sudden. Some guys are intuitive enough to understand what’s happening, but many guys—especially younger guys—are so confused that they bail. We can’t say where your guy fits in this equation, but certainly you’ll know much more about his state of mind if/when you have sex.

(However, we are in NO WAY suggesting that you do anything you’re not completely comfortable with. We’re just explaining what’s likely going on for him. No woman, or man for that matter, should have sex with anyone unless they feel it’s the right thing for them.)

3. What are you? A couple?

This is important to figure out before you proceed with your “relationship.” If he’s not introducing you to people as his girlfriend he likely doesn’t see you that way. And this is our biggest concern. Guys generally want to tell EVERYONE about their amazing new girl. Sure, not every guy is like that, but certainly if this guy was serious about you he’d want to let his friends and family know. But to be fair, maybe he’s unsure about where you stand? Have you talked about this at all?

The thing is Sara, without actually talking about this stuff you’re not really going to know where you stand. And maybe this is okay with you for right now, since you’re a bit unsure about him anyway.

4. Our Advice

We suggest you start with trying to get more dialogue and two-way conversations going with him. If he’s receptive to that, maybe he’ll then be receptive to discussing what is actually going on with the two of you. And after that, then you can decide if you want to proceed forward with other aspects of your relationship. (Physical intimacy, etc.)

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance?

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Is he interested in friendship or something more?

One of the Guys — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 22:16:45 +0000

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Dear Guys,

I’ve known this guy for a couple of years. Two years ago he broke up with his girlfriend of five years. (The decision was mutual). One month after the breakup I was the first girl he went on a date with. I knew it was too soon for him but he didn’t say it; I just had a feeling that proved to be right. We “lasted” for two weeks. He couldn’t do it anymore and ended it. Since then, he’s tried to date other women, but couldn’t start an emotional relationship with anyone.

We used to bump into each other every now and then. It was friendly but a bit awkward. He kept sending me mixed messages—you know the drill—and every time he saw mutual friends he asked them about me first. However, every time I tried to initiate a get-together with a friend or a group of friends he would politely decline.

The turning point happened last summer. We started seeing each other more often. First, we saw each other once a week. Then twice. Then three, even four times a week. He is the one who initiates it almost every time. (I might have participated with 10%). Sometimes we’re in a group of friends, sometimes we’re alone. There are, of course, mixed messages still coming from him. (Constantly complimenting me, showing moderate jealousy, staring at me, bumping me etc.), But mostly I ignore it.

To be honest, I really like him as a person and I’ve never had such good time with anyone. When I told him that, he admitted that he felt the same. He’s pretty anti-social and doesn’t get close to people, but we started sharing secrets, having internal jokes, and grew very close to the point of people asking us if we were a couple etc. It is very unusual for him to behave like that with anyone, be it a male or a female. We even said “I love you” to each other. He is very caring towards me, and called me his “soft spot” not long ago.
He initiated a “what-went-wrong” conversation a couple of times, and every time we would come to the same conclusion—it’s not me or any other woman, for that matter—it’s him.

A couple of months ago, he suggested we became friends with benefits, which I sharply declined. He agreed it would be a bad solution for the both of us because it would screw him up too, but that he obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship either. We’ve never talked about that since. We spend more time with each other than we do with anyone. Sometimes, I feel like I’m in a relationship with him but I know I’m not. We don’t have any physical contact, except for back/shoulder touching, occasional arm intertwining and kisses on the cheek.

I flirt with other men and I do have a life besides him. (And I believe the same goes for him.) But we don’t talk about other men/women, nor do we flirt with anyone when we’re together.

I know you guys aren’t mind-readers, but I’d like to know what do you think of the whole situation. What am I to him?

Thank you!

Myrtle

Dear Myrtle,

Thanks for your question. You’re right, we’re not mind readers but this scenario is familiar to us.

Our sense is he wants very much to be in love with you. So many pieces of a successful relationship are present. Trust. Mutual respect. Fun. Laughs. Comfort. On paper the two of you should be together, which is part of the reason all of your friends wonder aloud what’s going on, and why you are so confused about the situation. But the problem is, love is not a spreadsheet of pros and cons. There’s always that other piece. The X factor. The “I don’t know why I love her but I do” factor. Or on the flip side. The “I don’t know what’s wrong with me because she’s perfect” factor.

And the “latter” is what we suspect is going on for him, which accounts for all the mixed-messages you are getting from him. He can’t seem to figure out why he isn’t jumping into a relationship with you; but something is holding him back. Sure, it could be his own inability to connect with someone emotionally. (But we have to assume he was connected to his ex in that way.) It could be too soon after his breakup with his ex. (Some people take longer to rebound.) But it’s more likely that some piece is missing for him that he can’t quite seem to put his finger on.

So our gut tells us you are a great friend to him and that’s where it’s likely to stay. So now you have to ask yourself if you’re okay with this? Because if you’re hanging out with him hoping something is going to change we think you’re going to be frustrated. Just the fact that he suggested a FWB (Friends with Benefits) arrangement tells us the two of you are on different pages here.

We’re glad you’re keeping your other options open and are interested in other men as well. We’d hate for you to spend so much emotionally energy and time on this guy and then have it implode when he starts to date other women. So keep yourself out there, have some fun, and treat this guy as just a friend. Who knows, maybe he’ll be someone that could provide you with some insights into some of the new men in your life. We highly recommend having friends of the opposite sex. (Strictly friends, not FWB)

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment and/or a follow question. We’ll respond here as well. (And if something huge changes, let us know. We’d love to know we were wrong.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance?

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

My guy left the country and I’m confused about break up

One of the Guys — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 22:17:29 +0000

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance?

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

___________________________

Dear Guys,

Earlier this year I got very badly heartbroken when I broke up with a guy who told me he loved me, but then showed me that he didn’t actually know me at all and didn’t care who I was and what I liked—almost as if he was reading a book on how to have a relationship and following the advice in the book without looking at me. Then I felt like I would never find anyone who is truly interested in me rather than the idea they have of me.

But then I met this guy from South America and we started dating. But now I am very confused about the relationship. He and I talked a lot about how we see life and love, and agreed on everything basic; we had wonderful discussions about other things as well— movies, music, etc And if we didn’t agree we had healthy debates. On top of that we did many things together that we both enjoyed and had a really great time, walking around the city for hours just talking til the early morning hours. I was very hesitant in the beginning to really give it a go due to my earlier experiences and at a certain point he told me about a really bad experience he had had, which he thought was holding him back from really getting into the kind of relationship he wanted. He wants to be able to open up and be completely into it with his heart and soul. He said he often does things that prevent this in order to not get hurt again. He also said that he felt we have a real connection and something true and that this doesn’t happen often to him. (Just twice so far.)

However then I did something stupid and told him about it in an even more stupid way—basically blurting it out in a conversation without thinking—that reminded him of his earlier bad experience. He believes me that I didn’t do it on purpose or to hurt him and that it’s not a big deal for anyone except for him but he lost his trust in me a bit and feels uncomfortable because he knows I can hurt him. He also knows that I won’t do this ever again but he needs time to let this bad feeling go.

Unfortunately we don’t have time. He will leave to another country in 2 months and we’ve just been dating for 2.5 months. Although he says we have a true connection he doesn’t want a long-distance-relationship even when I would be happy to follow him at a certain point if everything goes well. He said he wants “real things” in his life and doesn’t want to wait for things to happen anymore. It was hard and tearful and at the end I said that I wish him a happy life and he responded slightly upset that I shouldn’t be saying we wouldn’t see each other again. But I told him that if he leaves to another country it’s not likely we’ll see each other again and I need to forget him.

I really don’t know what to make out of all this. Don’t get me wrong, I know 2.5 months is not long to judge whether or not a relationship will work but I haven’t had a connection with someone like this in a long time and I know he feels the same way. And I would be up for giving the long distance a try nevertheless. (It’s just a 2 hour flight). But he won’t have any of that.

He also forgave me for the stupid thing I did and explained how he felt about it and that if he didn’t care for me he would have just turned his back. Everything he does when he is with me shows me that he really likes me and cares for me but then he says we don’t have a future…. “but I’m not saying ever, maybe in the future – just now we want different things in life.”
I am heartbroken at the moment and I know I have to go on but this whole relationship confused me so much and I don’t know if there is still a chance for us, as his actions and words are so contradictory. I feel this is not clear cut, not a real break-up; it feels unfinished and that drives me mad as I will never know what could have been….

Salome

Dear Salome,

Thank you for your question.

We’re sorry you’re going through a difficult time right now. But you can’t blame yourself entirely. You may have formed a great connection in the 2 1/2 months you were with this guy, but that’s still not enough time to really know who he is. People are complex, and if he’s been hurt before, it’s likely his “baggage” is what’s preventing this relationship from progressing.

It’s unfortunate that your relationship was tested so early on. Timing is always a huge factor in relationships, and it often determines whether or not a relationship will move from the dating stage, to the serious stage, to an actual long term commitment. In your situation—him leaving the country—the timing just isn’t there for you. For you, this doesn’t seem to be a deterrent, but for him it is. But it could also just be an easy way for him to make an exit.

This “mistake” you made—you didn’t mention it to us—might be playing a part in his trust issues, but honestly it doesn’t sound like what you did was so bad that he would throw in the towel because of it. Of course we’re sure it didn’t help, but it’s more likely it just added fuel to his existing insecurities and fears about relationships.

We wish we could give you a definitive answer here Salome. But unfortunately we can’t. He seems open to reuniting in the future, but who knows if and when that will happen. The best thing you can do is let yourself be sad for a bit, reflect on what you learned, pick yourself up, and move on.

You sound like a very caring person. There are plenty of guys out there who will be able to appreciate a woman like you.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

He speaks in facts, she in emotions: Studying abroad; should I break up or do long distance?

One of the Guys — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 13:00:12 +0000

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

_______________________________

Dear Guys,

I am 25 years old and my girlfriend is 24. We’ve been dating for exactly one year, though we had been friends for two years before that. She is my first serious girlfriend. Before her I had only flings. I love her very much and I’m sure she feels the same way. We see each other almost every day; we’re best friend and have complete physical intimacy. In this year we’ve been through some fights. Two of them were pretty serious and we almost broke up. The reasons for these fights were always very silly (for me) and I managed to convince her of that and avoid breaking up. We agreed that the reasons for all of our fights were lame compared to the love we feel for each other and made a pact for being more tolerant and reasonable. Since then we didn’t fight anymore and the relashionship is at its best.

I’m an engineering graduate and currently have an excelent job that pays me well. But the firm I work for is going to be sold in a couple of months and I will have to keep working for them for one more year. After that I will leave the company. I thought this was a good opportunity to accomplish one of my goals in life that is to get a good MBA degree. To do so I will have to go abroad for one year. I would love if she could come with me but she still has two years to complete college.

She overheard my conversation with a friend about my MBA plans and asked me if I intended to go abroad. I told her the truth: yes, I want to go but only in September 2013. That’s a year and a half from now, more than twice the duration of our relationship. I proposed to her that we keep dating during this period and break up only when I leave. From then on we live our lives separately and that includes meeting other people. My intention is to get back together when I come back from the MBA.

She, on the other hand, thinks differently. She said she prefers to break up right now even even though she would suffer a lot since she loves me very much. But when she overcomes the suffering she would be free to find another man and not “waste her time investing in a relationship destined to end.” She doesn’t think we will get back together when I come back nor that she could bear thinking of me dating other girls while I’m away.

I don’t want to break up right now mainly for three reasons:

- Living in the same city we would bump with each other all the time and know about each other’s lives, making it much harder to forget. If we wait until I go, the distance will make being apart easier.

- During the period that I’m still here we can have a great time together. We’re talking about one and a half years. Almost twice the time we’ve been together. The bond created in this period will be strong enough to survive the year apart. (I think)

- I think in my heart that we will get back together when I come back. (I know one year is a long time and I will gain lots of experience and may change my mind. And that’s what she’s afraid of.)

Well, I would be glad if you guys could help me out. Am I missing something? How can I convince her of staying together until I go?

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your question.

How do we say this nicely? Yes, you are missing something. Actually you’re missing everything on this one. And this is a classic example of the different ways men and women think.

You’re giving her facts and she wants emotions. She wants you to tell her that you love her so much that you’ll do anything to make it work, even if you have to go away for a year. She wants you to reassure her that nothing will come between the two of you, even if you’re far away. She wants you to be strong and tell her it’s all going to work out. (Sure, ultimately she doesn’t want you to go, but she might come around if you sang a different tune with her.)

But you’re not doing any of that. You’re treating the relationship like it’s a business. This is what she’s hearing from you: “In a year and a half, we’ll dissolve the company and split the earnings 50/50, and then maybe we’ll put the company back together when I get back.” So why would she want to stick around, knowing that in the near future the two of you will be breaking up? Women don’t work that way.

From your point of view, you see only benefits from having this sort of arrangement. And we understand. Having a wonderful woman to hang out with, go on dates with, and have sex with is a great thing. And when you combine that with a fulfilling career it’s a great combination. But once again, she doesn’t give a (blank) about any of that.

But having said all of this Thomas we do understand where you’re coming from. It seems like you might really love this woman but you just want to be 100% sure. And you don’t want to give up your career aspirations quite yet in order to have her. And guess what? We totally get it. You’re young, and it’s okay to put your needs first, and frankly you probably should, because if you’re feeling this strongly about pursuing school and furthering your career, you’ll probably be quite resentful later in life if your plans were to be derailed by this relationship. And the fact that she’s your first serious girlfriend makes us think you’d like to explore more in that department as well.

But it all comes down to timing doesn’t it? When people say “love conquers all” they are forgetting to factor in the all important “timing” variable. And this is what we’re seeing here. The timing is a bit off. But unfortunately Thomas you can’t have it both ways. She’s probably isn’t going to want to wait around while you figure this all out. (Although see below for the one caveat.) So you either need to stay with her, and see if you can give a long distance relationship a chance, or break up. (And please don’t make promises to do a long distance relationship but then break up with her just as you’re leaving. That would only perpetuate some women’s perceptions that guys are not to be trusted, which is not true.)

So Thomas, please stop treating this like a business decision and really start having some heartfelt conversations with the woman you love. And we’ll let you in on a little secret. (Our caveat) If you’re honest, and treat her with respect and love, even if you do break up now, and you go away for awhile, it’s likely if she’s still single, her heart will still be open to you. However, if you continue treating her like she’s a business partner you won’t ever have another chance with her.

We wish you the best in figuring all of this out. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And we’d love to hear what you think about all of this. And what you ultimately end up doing. Keep us posted. We’ll respond in the comments section as well.

(And readers: Please comment as well. We love a great discussion!)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Online Dating Part 3 – Writing a great online description

One of the Guys — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 12:44:04 +0000

Scroll Down for Online Dating Part 2 and Part 1

Please share our videos with your friends. Subscribe to our You Tube Channel! Thanks.

More Videos to Watch:

Guys are comfortable with conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Video Script:

Here is another profile we rewrote.

This is what we were sent.

Before:

I love tennis. I try and play tennis 4 days a week and I’m looking for someone who is athletic and able to keep up. Other than tennis, I like reading, going for walks, good conversation and movies. I spend a lot of time with my grandchildren so the person I’m looking for must appreciate kids. It would be nice if you had kids yourself so we would have something to share. I have a good sense of humor and expect the same from the person I’m dating. I don’t like talking about the weather. I like to have meaningful conversations. I’m ultimately looking for a good partner who is young at heart and open to exploring new things.

After: (Our rewrite)

The two things I love doing the most are playing tennis and spending time with my grandchildren, and not necessarily in that order. Otherwise I would describe myself as a contrast in styles.

Smart humor engages me, but not at the expense of others.
I’m shy, but love to debate.
I can still run hard, but prefer a nice walk with a friend.
I have my own interests, but family is most important.
I’m a person of action, but love to read about other people’s lives.
Routines are great, but spontaneity appeals to me as well.
Small talk is not my thing, but mainly because the world is too interesting to talk about the weather.

So if this speaks to you, I would love to have a conversation with you. I only ask a few things: that you’re young at heart, curious, and still open to exploration. And it certainly wouldn’t hurt if you were a tennis player with a sense of humor!

Booty call or relationship trouble?

One of the Guys — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 00:15:59 +0000

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile (Also Part 2: Writing a profile description)

And more….

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

______________________________

Dear Guys,
Well I thought I would just sit on this for a few days but now I think I will ask for your advice.

So about three years ago I met a guy, and it turned out we had a lot of common friends and have some of the same interests. We are compatible on so many levels but on others we aren’t. We had a lot of attraction and finally we ended up hooking up. (We are both 29.)

It went on for a few months until he suddenly ended it. (I was moving away for work for four months and that was known to both parties.) He called me one day and said what we were doing wasn’t a good idea and that we should just be friends. I tried to act cool and moved away.

When I moved back I texted him and he called me and I never called him back. Then we ran into each at an event four months later. (This was eight months after we ended whatever we were doing.) It was clear we were still attracted to each other and started hooking up together again.

He kept asking me to hang out. I resisted and told him I didn’t want to date. HE wanted to date; he came over and said it right to my face. I told him i didnt want anything serious. He has never had a serious girlfriend and I think he might freak out and end it out of fear of getting too emotional. (He’s not experienced in the relationship department.) So I told him I just wanted to avoid it. But then he didn’t want to just hookup with NSA(No Strings Attached).

Over Christmas a friend of mine asked me about him. I told him we are just friends with a lot of sexual tension. I texted him that night and told him we have to go for dinner and catch up soon and that I missed him.

We have remained friends, just a few texts here and there. If we end up at the same place we chat, catch up and leave it at that. But there is always an awkward goodbye. So it went from him ending it to me ending it. I have tried to keep it NSA with him and I actually would like a relationship like this with him. He is a player and I know that completely. When he wanted to date me this summer, I told him he really hurt me the first time he ended it with me, the summer before.

We both lead crazy busy lives, and to be honest I’m not looking for a intense relationship right now. I don’t hookup with random guys so in my mind he’s ideal to have a defined NSA with. Is this even possible?

This weekend he texted me after a hockey game, telling me to come out with his friends. (The typical “we are friends come hang out text.”) I told him to have fun and be safe. He then said you should pick me up. I said, no I shouldn’t. I think he was really surprised, and he said please come get me. I asked if he was stranded or was speaking code. It was the latter.

I know we will be at the same event in the next month. When we are in the same room together it’s unspoken that we will be together later. I have never been in something like this before. I don’t understand it. It feels like total dysfunction, but I keep feeling drawn to him and missing him. I usually just ignore my feelings but the chemistry is like nothing I have ever had.

If I do contact him when and what should I say? I just feel like we are always on different pages. I want the same page. How do I get there?

Dealing with Crazy Guys

Dear Dealing with Crazy Guys,

Thanks for your question.

On the one hand you say you just want a NSA relationship with him, and on the other hand you say are drawn to him, miss him, and have chemistry with him that you haven’t ever had before. So which is it?

It seems that you’re really into this guy, but you’re scared he might hurt you again and that’s why you don’t want to explore it further. (We realize he’s a player.) But from where we’re sitting it seems like the only reason he broke up with you in the first place was because you were leaving town. And is it possible that since you were leaving, neither of you let your guard down enough to really explore what a relationship might feel like with the other person?

It seems to us if you could somehow start over with this guy, push reset, you might have a chance to really have a great relationship. Because it’s obvious that the two of you have a connection, even more than just sexual chemistry. But in order to move forward one of you needs to take a leap of faith. And frankly, it’s probably going to have to be you since you seem to be the one who’s unsure right now.

Women often say, “Once a player, always a player.” And that may be true to a certain degree but there’s one caveat. Sometimes a guy is a player until he finds the person he’s looking for. It’s true that guys don’t always know what they are looking for, but they do know when they’re with someone who isn’t it. (Hope that makes sense.) He’s 29, so maybe he’s ready to move from being a player to a serious guy?

We think you need to go on some proper dates with this guy, almost as if you had just met. Why not start by inviting him for coffee or lunch, far removed from the nighttime events where you normally meet up? That way you can really get to know each other on a different level. You’ll really be able to find out who the other person is. And maybe this will make you more comfortable. After that, see if he’ll take the reigns from there and take you out to dinner, or the movies, or a museum, or a hike, or a show, or whatever. You don’t have to jump right into a serious relationship, but you do need to clear your head and figure out what you truly want. We recommend staying away from the bedroom for a time because this will only serve to confuse you more.

We think you should give this a go. Stop being coy with him. (And hopefully he’ll do the same once he sees you might be interested.) Let yourself be open to possibilities. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Yes, he could reject you. And that will feel pretty crappy. But at least you won’t still be in a holding pattern, wondering what he’s thinking and what you should do. There’s nothing better than getting definitive answers. (As definitive as you can within a relationship.)

Keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section and we’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Is he too into me?

One of the Guys — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 22:18:33 +0000

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile (Also Part 2: Writing a profile description)

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

And more….

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

______________________________

Dear Guys,

So I met an amazing guy. He is intelligent, funny, outdoorsy, in a band, all the things a girl could want. We met through mutual friends about two months ago and hit if off immediately. We stayed up the whole night going on randmon spontaneous adventures and ended up cuddling by the end.

Since then we have been seeing each other. (We have not talked about being exclusive). The dates have been great, creative, stimulating and I feel overall very comfortable with him and like him a lot. I fell asleep one night at his place early on, and since then we have been spending the night at each other’s places multiple times per week. We have fooled around but have not had sex yet.

Anyways, I am afraid maybe he is too into me and it makes me uncomfortable. He is a super energetic, friendly person so it his hard to tell if he is just his enthusiastic personality. I happen to know through friends that he liked me so much he was freaking out about what to do when he asked me out and he told everyone (friends, family) all about me right away. He left his pillow at my house— since I don’t sleep with one—and texts me everyday with random things and to see how I am. I have casually met his family, and when my parents were out of town for the holidays he invited me to his place. (I did not go, becuase it seemed too soon). He did get me a simple and thoughtful Christmas gift. He invited me to things a month in advance when we first started dating. He gives me space if I am busy or out with friends, and he certainly has his own busy life, but he wants to know everything about me, and I cannot shake the feeling that it is too intense. I have never really been in a relationship, so maybe it is just me?

Kaitlin

Dear Kaitlin,

Thanks for your question.

So you need to ask yourself why this bothers you? Is it because in your heart of hearts you’re not sure you feel the same way about him? Or maybe you are a bit more cautious person and like to take things slowly? But from what you describe he sounds like a wonderful guy—the kind of person that everyone is looking for.

However, Kaitlin, just because he does so many wonderful things doesn’t mean he’s perfect for you. Love is a mystery. Sometimes we meet incredible people that we feel we should love, but there’s just no spark. Sometimes we get pressure from family and friends because they think a person is perfect for us, but for some reason they’re not. You are the only one who really knows how you feel.

Having said that, if it’s just your inexperience talking, or some other fear, maybe you can’t see the situation clearly. Maybe his intensity is clouding your perception of him. Here are the positive we see in him.

1. He is interested in everything about you. More than just sex.

2. He’s a solid communicator. Responsible. Follows through.

3. Positive person. Upbeat.

4. Independent person. Has his own life and gives you space.

5. Really cares about you.

6. Probably much more.

Kaitlin, believe it or not, guys are no different than girls when it comes to dating. When we meet someone we really like we get giddy, nervous, anxious, excited, silly, and yes, we even freak out. We ask our friends what to do, even though we know they won’t be much help. We try to figure out the best strategy to get the girl to go out on a date with us. Then we over plan and over think the first date. It’s quite amusing actually. But all of these intense feelings actually are good. Ask yourself: Do you really want to date a guy who just wants to hang out, watch movies, order Chinese, and then have sex? Do you really want a guy who tries to be Mr. Cool? Do you really want a guy who doesn’t call when he says he’s going to? And a guy who doesn’t want to know anything about you except your bra size? Think about it.

But we’ll finish our answer by coming back to what we said initially. It doesn’t matter how wonderful someone is on paper, you still need to feel those butterflies in your stomach. It’s up to you to figure that out. Just don’t let fear get in your way. He does sound like a solid guy. And be happy that he’s way into you. It’s so much better than the alternative.

Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question, and definitely keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section and we’ll respond here as well.

Readers, please give your opinions as well!

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Use Paypal button on right)

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Online Dating Part 2 – Writing a great online description

One of the Guys — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 21:24:06 +0000

Please share our videos with your friends. Subscribe to our You Tube Channel! Thanks.

More Videos to Watch:

Guys are comfortable with conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Script of Video:

Online dating began long before computers. It began at a time when the printed word ruled the media landscape, where a cloud meant rain and the net was a tool used to catch things. But back then online dating was called: The Personal Ads.

The personals were mostly found in an isolated back section of the newspaper clearly demarcated from the paper’s more journalistic endeavors. The personals WERE used by a few brave souls, but were mostly fodder for humorous discussion with friends at a bar, wondering aloud who these brave souls were, and why they were desperate enough to respond to a personal ad, or even worse, post one themselves.

However, the concept of the personal ad was solid, and with the advent of the net, Online Dating was created to replace the awkward experience of the personals. Today Online dating is universally accepted, used by millions of people worldwide, all hoping to find what they are looking for: Some sort of connection. However, not everyone has a successful experience with online dating.

Some blame surely belongs to the actual institution. And there will always be stalkers and predators manipulating and taking advantage of the system for their own gains. But part of the problem clearly lies with the normal every day user.

Too many people quickly throw together a profile that doesn’t help their cause. The pictures aren’t flattering, the description is flat, and the whole composite is poorly constructed. The key is to differentiate yourself. This is your dating resume. This is your one chance to pique someone’s interest. You gotta really go for it!

Here are some tips to help you set up a profile that will attract those paramours you so desire.

Step 1: It’s all about the photo. And by photo we mean just you. Not you with your dog, or pet gerbil, or even your kids. Your profile picture needs to give people a sense of you. For the guys out there, it’s not a bad idea to shave and put on a clean shirt. No hats, and definitely not sunglasses. For the ladies, find a picture that represents you in a flattering light. Sexy is okay, but even better, something demure that suggests that what’s underneath is sexy. And please be honest! Don’t put up a photo of you twenty years ago. Remember, the goal is to move beyond the screen to an actual Face-to-Face. At some point you will meet this other person. And if you look different from your online picture that clearly sends a message that you can’t be trusted. Not a great start.

One final note: Make sure the picture is actually you.

Step 2: Write a fun, unique description. This is very difficult for most people. It’s hard to say great things about yourself without sounding conceited. But this is the second most important piece of the profile.

Here are some tips for writing a great description:

Stay Positive- Don’t say all things you don’t want about a person. Describe what you DO want in a partner. (Check out our videos on How to write a great profile. Part 2 and Part 3 of our Online Dating series.)

Create a Personality- Be you. Be unique. We want to know about you specifically. Don’t make it generic.

Make it fun- No one wants to date a stiff.

Be inviting- This means, just make it easy for someone to want to contact you. Don’t scare them away!

Make it Short -Be as economical as you can. We want to know about you quickly. If we like what we read we’ll want the longer version later!

Don’t give more info than is needed. If you don’t really care about religion or politics, then don’t list your religion or political party. Remember, it’s all about being inviting, so why limit your potential suitors?

Check out Part 2 and 3 of our online dating series. Coming this week!

Three Questions: Should I date this older guy? and Dating my best friend’s boyfriend? and Will my boyfriend care about bumps on my butt?

One of the Guys — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 11:22:30 +0000

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Dating a Younger Guy

Guys are comfortable with Conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Today we will be answering three short questions.

Question 1:

Dear Guys,

I’m 15 and have been talking to a guy for awhile and we’ve both realized that we have romantic feelings for each other and that we would like to date. But he’s 18 so that’s not exactly possible yet.

He asked me to classify our relationship, so I said friends. This resulted in him saying that he felt like an idiot. Then he became depressed and distant for a few days. It’s clear that we can’t actually be together yet so I don’t know how else I would classify our relationship, or how to continue forward without getting overly involved for my age. How do I deal with the possibility of either of us getting involved with someone else and the jealousy involved in that?

Advice please?

Amber

Dear Amber,

Thanks for your question. It’s nice to see that you have a good head on your shoulders.

You’re right. The two of you should only be friends right now, until you’re of age. At that point a three year difference won’t be that big of a deal, although there’s still quite a divide between a freshman in college and a senior, but nothing like a freshman in high school and a senior in high school.

So what do you do until then?

What’s going to happen is—if he’s anything like the young guys around here—he’s going to start to pressure you subtly to start dating, or even to have a physical relationship with him. This doesn’t mean he’s not a good guy, it just means he’s a young man and he’s attracted to you. But this is not a good idea for you; if this does happen you need to set clear boundaries. Remember, guys aren’t so interested in being friends with women they would really rather date. Have you seen “Harry met Sally?” It’s an oldie but goodie, with a classic conversation at a restaurant about this topic.

We’d say the only thing you should do is keep in touch casually on Facebook, Twitter, or email. Just keep on each other’s radar. (We know that’s going to be hard.) But we wouldn’t get into phone calls, texting, etc. That’s going to be too intimate.

Believe us, even though he might start dating another girl, you’ll always be on his radar. We’re not saying he won’t fall in love with someone else in the meantime, but whenever he’s single again you’ll be the first person he thinks of.

Finally, we think you should do all the things a 15 year-old girl does now, and not wait around for this guy. However, if sometime down the road (years), the spark is still there, well then you’ll be better equipped to deal with an older guy.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Question 2:

Dear Guys,

My BFF has a boyfriend named (anonymous). He is soo sweet and they have been dating a while. But he confessed his love for me today, but said he loves my BFF too.

To be honest I like him too. But I also don’t wanna hurt my friend’s feelings.

WHAT DO I DO?!

Miranda

Dear Miranda,

Thanks for your question.

What do you do? You do nothing. Your best friend comes first. Even after they break up you should stay away from this guy. Otherwise you’ll be faced with a decision: Date this boy or have your best friend.

Also keep in mind that you’re young. And even if you decided to date this boy, it’s likely you’d break up soon after. Then you’d be left with neither this boy or you best friend.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

pss. As per your other question: Progressing your relationship in a nonsexual way? That seems like a covert way of saying your boyfriend wants to by physical with you without actually defining it as sex.

Question 3:

Hi Guys,

My guy really wants to do it doggie style, and so do I, but I have a bit of keratosis pilaris (bumps) (for our readers) on my butt and I don’t really want him staring at that.

Do you think this is going to be a huge turn off for him or am I overreacting?

Thanks!

Cait xx

Dear Cait,

Thanks for your question. Let’s put it this way, we don’t know a lot of guys that would care.

Is your guy a sensitive person? Could you talk to him about this? (You don’t mention your age so we don’t have a sense of how serious your relationship is. We’re assuming you’re old enough to have sex and so you’re in a committed relationship.) Anyway, if he loves you he definitely won’t care. And believe us, if he’s been anticipating this for a while, a few bumps on your butt will be the last thing on his mind. In fact, during your session, his mind will be on hiatus anyway. (And his vision will be blurry.)

Hope this helps.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Online Dating Part 1- How to create a successful online dating profile

One of the Guys — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 09:14:25 +0000

Please share our videos with your friends. Subscribe to our You Tube Channel! Thanks.

More Videos to Watch:

Also watch Online Dating Part 2 and Part 3

Guys are comfortable with conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Script of Video:

Here are some tips to help you set up a profile that will attract those paramours you so desire.

One final note: Make sure the picture is actually you.

Here are some tips for writing a great description:

Create a Personality- Be you. Be unique. We want to know about you specifically. Don’t make it generic.

Make it fun- No one wants to date a stiff.

Be inviting- This means, just make it easy for someone to want to contact you. Don’t scare them away!

Make it Short -Be as economical as you can. We want to know about you quickly. If we like what we read we’ll want the longer version later!

Check out Part 2 and 3 of our online dating series. Coming this week!

Long distance relationship: He cheated on me and told me

One of the Guys — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 14:23:43 +0000

Dear Guys,

Let’s start out by saying I’m 17 and he’s now 20. We met a year and a half ago in Maryland. I live in Alabama but my dad lives in Maryland so I visit him every break that I get from school. I met him in the summer of 2009 at an under 18 club. We danced all night together and he asked for my number. We started texting and then talking on the phone for hours. I didn’t intend for anything to happen but it started getting intense. I would talk up to six hours a day and it came to a point where we exchanged the words “I love you.” (And I meant them when I said it to him.)

Let me just say my parents don’t support me with this. They have blocked him from my phone and everything. That made the situation ten times harder because when the people you care most about don’t care at all about what your passionate about, it’s hard.

I understand what could happen and all the outcomes that could come out of this situation. Of course we’ve had out some ups and downs but he stayed faithful to me for a whole year. Then he told me right before this summer when I was coming to see him that he liked this other girl and told me about everything that he did and felt. She gave him oral and that’s as bad as it got. I forgave him because I couldn’t help but love him. He promised me he wouldn’t ever do anything like that again.

We’ve been doing good until now. He is having some issues about me not being physically there. I understand that men react and get stimulated differently than females. I mean he’s 20 and hasn’t had sex in two years. He’s stayed pretty faithful. Well accept, he had intercourse with this new girl out of nowhere and he told me. I respect him for being a man and not lying to me and just straight up telling me. I know he cares about me and I know he loves me. He’s just going through a phase. I might be crazy for accepting it and probably forgiving him again in the future.

OH!! And here’s another thing. I’m changing my future so I can be with him. I’m lying to my mother, my step-dad and my dad about him. I’ve decided to move in with my dad in Maryland so I can be close to him and this is happening in seven months. I don’t know. Maybe he needed to get his sexual tension out? But seriously he couldn’t wait? Also I was coming to see him for Christmas in less than month.

That’s just my best trying to put it into long story short, and I guess my question is, should I forgive him? Or should I dump his ass? Or stay his friend? I mean he’s been faithful for two years and he tells me about everything he does so it’s not really cheating if he tells me. I understand his situation and why he is behaving the way he is. I’m just so scared he’s going to find someone else to replace me and fall in love with them. And when I finally move there, the space that I’ve left for him in my heart will be empty because he moved on.

I talked to his mom. (We’re close too, she’s our biggest fan.) And she says that she knew he was going to have to go through something like this, she just didn’t know when. She said that he never really got the attention from girls and because I can’t really give it to him physically he’s coping with it like that. But she swears up and down that she knows he loves me by the way he talks about me and that I have something special and that shes knows he loves me. She says it’s a phase and that she thinks he should go through the experience. I mean most guys pretty much screw a lot of girls in their prime years don’t they? It just sucks he’s doing it when we were “together.”

That brings me to another point. We don’t classify ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. We are just two people who fell in love who have been through hell to fight for what we have. But he knows we have boundaries and he crossed them.

I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Help Please!

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question.

We understand how strongly you feel for this guy. Love strikes when it pleases, and when it does it’s difficult to contain. However, we also feel strongly that you shouldn’t be lying to your parents. Yes, we realize they haven’t been that supportive, but from their point of view they probably feel you’re too young to be having this sort of relationship with a guy you barely know who lives hours away from you. But believe it or not, their feelings come from a good place. They want you to be happy. They’re not trying to stifle your passion, but more keep you from getting hurt. Which brings us to this guy.

We don’t necessarily think you’re being foolish for forgiving him, but just because he TELLS you he cheated doesn’t mean it’s okay. He did cheat, plain and simple. And if he’s had sex with two girls, it’s likely there’s more going on than you realize. Or if there’s not, it’s not from want of trying on his part. Sure guys might need to go through this phase, but that’s no excuse. If he wants to pursue other girls he shouldn’t be stringing you along and telling you how much he loves you. And honestly we think you’re making too many excuses for him. (And why are you talking to his mother about this? This seems a bit odd. She’s stringing you along too. She shouldn’t be making excuses for her son either. She seems a bit too involved with this don’t you think?)

Our strong recommendation is to stay where you are and not move. You can always continue to be friends with this guy and develop a deeper emotional connection with him over time. And if you still feel this way in a few years, then maybe that’s the time to explore this more. But based on his actions he certainly isn’t ready to commit to you now. We know you think it’s all going to change when you move there but from our experience we doubt it. Sure, maybe for a while things will be blissful, but if he’s really having such a hard time now, his “needs” will become an issue soon enough.

We believe that love should be explored, but we don’t think you should change your life to be with this guy. If he really wants to be with you at some point, let him be the one to take the initiative. Let him be the one to change his life. If he does this, you’ll certainly know he’s serious about you. If you go live with your father to be with this guy, you’ll never really know the depth of his feelings for you. Guys love convenience, and if you move, you’ll be making this very convenient for him. You need to make him work a little. Please wait on this for a while!

Last note: If he’s having sex with other girls, you need to be careful. There’s a lot of “stuff” floating around out there. Your safety is important. And honestly, his actions have given you no reason to trust him.

Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question in the comments section here. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Readers,

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Wooing at a distance

One of the Guys — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 18:42:40 +0000

Dear Guys,

So long distance relationships are hard. I know that. What I’m asking about is something even harder— that is, trying to pique an interest from someone who you live far away from. I’m prepared to do what it takes, and I’m committed to going through with this, but I could do with some advice on how to approach the situation.

OK, some background: This girl was a childhood friend of mine, but about a decade ago she moved interstate. Strange as it may sound, from missing her then, I developed feelings for her.

Three years ago, I got to see her again, when we visited her family—we were family friends before they moved—and this confirmed how I felt. We got along well, and ended up staying in touch, though not all that frequently, as she’s a busy person. Anyway, telling her how I felt seemed premature—I figured it would make her uncomortable and only make things worse— so I tried to concentrate on becoming closer as friends and improving communication first. I had written a letter about this to send to her when I found out she now had a boyfriend.

That was just over a year ago, and I didn’t end up sending that letter. Anyway, it may not have been a good idea, but I told her I had feelings for her, and that I realized nothing could come of them given those circumstances but after being afraid of how she might react I realized I just wanted her to know. She actually reacted quite graciously, saying she appreciated my honesty and that she was more than happy to pursue a relationship as friends. Anyway, that went quite well, considering.

Almost two months ago she broke up with her boyfriend; on good terms(relatively speaking) from what I can tell. I waited a month, then told her that I was sorry she had to go through that and let her know that I was still interested, though I just wanted to be friends for the time being. She replied two weeks later, shortly after I asked whether she was busy or if something was wrong, as I’d tried to talk to her when I saw her online. She’d just been really busy, and said she wasn’t interested in entering a relationship for a long time. I apologized for any misconceptions and assured her that I was more than happy to just be friends for however long she needed, but that didn’t mean I was giving up on her.

This was almost a month ago, and she hasn’t replied since, which is starting to seem a bit long, even considering her busy life. Anyway, I’ve decided to wait a while longer, and in another month’s time I’ll message her if she still hasn’t replied. I expect you Guys will have had the time to answer this by then, and any advice on what I should and/or shouldn’t say is welcome. I’d also like to have an idea of how to continue from there: if at all possible. Any suggestions of a way I can get closer to her without crossing boundaries would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Zac

Dear Zac,

Thanks for your question.

Consistent communication from both parties is the key to a successful long distance relationship. But issues often arise because every person is different when it comes to how this actually “looks.” One person might need to talk every day to feel secure and connected, while the other person only wants to talk once a week. This usually causes one person to be upset and the other annoyed. From there, cracks start to appear in the foundation of the relationship, then insecurities grow, doubt looms and then a break up. Unless of course both people are very committed to making it work.

But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

From your note one question keeps jumping out at us. Are you sure this woman is interested in you romantically? Based on her sporadic communication, excuses about being busy, and her declaration that she is open to being friends with you, this doesn’t seem like a woman who wants a romantic relationship. What do you think?

To us this seems like your biggest challenge. Because it is possible to woo someone long distance as long as they are interested in some way. If this woman only sees you as a friend, it won’t matter what you do; your advances will fall flat and only make things more and more uncomfortable between the two of you.

Zac, we do believe in going for what you want. And we encourage you to try. But we’re not getting a solid vibe from her. (At least from what you say.) But if you really would like to explore this you need to be direct with her. Sending her gifts, or trying to be funny on some social networking site, or showing her how creative you are by writing a song or making a movie or whatever, is only going to creep her out, especially if she’s unsure about you.

Of course you don’t want to scare her away and tell her you love her either. We think the only way you’re going to be able to woo her is if you actually get together with her first, to remind her how cool of a guy you are. Because right now she’s not viewing you as a potential boyfriend, but more of a family friend.

So is there a way you could just be passing through her town? Or take a trip with a buddy—not your parents—and visit? Or is there a concert or some other event that could give you an excuse to not only visit where she lives, but invite her to as well?

We think this situation needs a jumpstart, and the best way to do that is face-to-face. If that goes well, then you’ll be able to figure out the long distance piece because she’ll then be open to it.

Leave us a comment and/or follow up question in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And let us know how this plays out. We hope it works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Readers,

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

One of the Guys — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 18:46:50 +0000

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Guys,

I am in a long term relationship but have a very serious attraction to a guy in my office. He is also in a long term relationship. I think he has some interest in me as well, but he is the smart/shy type, so it is difficult to tell how far he is willing to take it. I don’t want to end my relationship or his, but a short lived fling sounds kind of fun.

How do I get him to move on this or is it just a bad idea all together?

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

Thanks for your question.

If you’re asking for our “permission” to cheat then the answer is a definitive NO. And maybe that’s exactly what you were hoping we’d say, otherwise there’d be no reason to consult our opinion.

Your interest in this other guy more likely stems from something missing in your current relationship, rather than how amazing he is. So before you move ahead with something you’ll regret, why don’t you take a hard look at what’s going on between you and your boyfriend? Is there a lack of communication between the two of you? A lack of affection? Are you not on the same page with some important issues? Are you putting in more time than he is? Is the distance too much? Maybe you’ve fallen out of love with him? What is it? It’s critical you get to the bottom of what is really going on for you.

On the flip side, we understand that a short fling SOUNDS fun. But it’s fantasy. And honestly, that’s where it needs to stay. Keep your attraction in your mind. (There’s a lot you can do with it right there.) Once you move the fantasy to the real world only trouble will ensue. That’s when people’s lives are altered forever.

If you find that you can’t stop yourself from pursuing this other man, at least deal with your current situation first, and then proceed forward. You’ll be glad you did; and your boyfriend will appreciate your honesty, even though he’ll be sad, and possibly angry about the breakup. (It’s much better than you cheating on him.)

And finally we’re wondering what kind of guy this co-worker is who might consider cheating on his partner? (Of course you don’t know if that’s true or not, so we’re speculating.) Maybe in the fantasy world that doesn’t matter, but it very much does in this one.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Dating in my 20s as a single mother?

One of the Guys — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 10:43:09 +0000

Dear Readers,

Today’s question piggybacks on a previous question: Will guys date single moms? Please read that post for more information about dating with kids. Or dating someone who has kids. Also read a personal account, “Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”

Please use the form on the “Ask the Guys” page to leave us a question.

Thanks,

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

I’m 20 and I have a little girl on the way—my first child. I was engaged to the dad for a year and he promised me the family I have always dreamed of. We planned our little one and he left me for another girl three months after we found out I was pregnant. Now I’m worried there won’t be any men in their 20s to date that are okay with me being a single mother. I believe in love and want a healthy relationship around my daughter. I don’t though want to be bouncing from guy to guy with her involved or be living like a nun until I get older when men are more ready to commit.

I would be more than okay with starting a bigger family with my husband in the future, but will I even be given that chance in my 20s? Is it just a waiting game until guys mature or is there hope to still settling down?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your question.

There’s always hope. However, most guys aren’t ready to settle down in their early twenties. They’re busy pursuing careers, women and fun. But most of all they’re peeling away the layers of childhood, trying to discover the kind of man they want to be. This process can take years and years, and that’s why many men aren’t ready for a commitment in their twenties. They are focused on finding themselves as they vie for position and rank in this competitive world.

The father of your child exemplifies why men get a bad rap. He was interested enough in you and the relationship when he was getting what he wanted or when it was all talk, but when the consequences—albeit wonderful, your daughter—of his actions emerged he couldn’t deal with the situation and left. We can see how this would leave a bad taste in your mouth, and make you skeptical and concerned about all guys in their twenties, but don’t let him “speak” for all men. We’re not all like that.

Your instincts are good Ashley. You certainly don’t want to be bouncing from guy to guy, especially with a child in tow. While dating different men is fine, we would recommend keeping your dating life and home life as separate as possible until you are fairly confident the guy you’re dating is in it for the long haul. Which means, you might not want to have men stay over too often, especially as your child gets old enough to know. (And believe us, if she is old enough to see, she will be old enough to understand on some level what’s going on. And ultimately be confused.)

It’s always best for any child to have consistent people in their lives, male and female. Ideally you will have an amicable enough relationship with your ex so he can be involved. However, if that’s not possible, hopefully someone will step up to the plate. Perhaps a brother? Or your father? That is until you are involved with someone you love and respect.

And that brings us to your question. You read the previous post and our answer, so you understand that any time you add another “difference” to the dating equation things can get more complicated because there is just that much more to sort through. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t ever work out. It just means BOTH people have to be VERY committed to making the relationship work.

Examples of differences:

Age: People dating someone much older or younger. (Watch our videos on the topic)

Race/Ethnicity: People from different cultures, countries, backgrounds. Read previous post: Why is he hiding our relationship?

Religion: People raised with different beliefs.

Marital Status: Divorced people dating single people.

Parental Status: People with kids dating people without kids.

Dating and relationships are complicated enough without adding more factors into the equation. Figuring out if you want to be with someone for a lifetime is a big decision. But when people truly love each other, most of the time they will try and work through whatever is dealt to them. And sometimes these “extra ingredients” are actually time savers. They often weed away quickly, the people who shouldn’t even be there.

Ashley, your first priority will be your child, and you certainly don’t want to waste your time with guys who don’t get it. So your child will help you cut through the BS. Life is full of surprises. We’re sure there’s some young guy out there who will be more than happy to welcome you and your child into his life.

But you’ll only meet that person by getting out there yourself. Finish school. Or start school. Take some classes that interest you. Join a book group. Say yes to invitations. Get a job doing something interesting. (If possible) Elicit the help of your friends and family—you’ll need support with daycare, etc. and emotional support—so you can move forward with your own interests and goals. And by doing all of that, it’s more likely you will meet some great person who shares many of the same interests and values that you do.

Good luck. Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. Or a follow up question. We’ll respond here as well.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

One of the Guys — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 16:56:24 +0000

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?

Kacey

Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Why does he have a second Facebook page? What is this guy’s MO?

One of the Guys — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:12:14 +0000

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Hey Guys,

I’ve started randomly talking to this guy that I met on the net. The contact began back in 2009. He found my profile on MySpace. He enjoyed reading the blogs that I had written about my traveling experiences and decided to send me messages. We had had some distant back and forth messaging. He was pretty persistent (on a friendly note), but nothing more came out of it. One, I was kind of passive and wasn’t really interested, and two, since the development of Facebook I was hardly logged into MySpace. So the communication died off.

Fastforward to 2010….I get a random e-mail notification from MySpace that he had sent me an email. He was basically just checking in to see how I was doing, and if I was interested in talking with him sometime. Out of curiosity, I had added him onto Facebook, but again, I was still giving him the cold shoulder. He would drop me a note here and there….but nothing really came out of it.

Now, onward to about two weeks ago. He sent me a random IM one day asking how I was doing. From there I stopped being a Little Miss-Priss and started chatting with him. And thank goodness I did. He and I have been talking non-stop since then…every single evening until the wee hours of the morning. From everything to our interests, daily lives…experiences…etc. So far we have a lot of common interests and he has a great personality. I guess we’ve developed a really easy connection. He sends me text messages every now and then asking about my day and the like. And we’ve also talked on the phone and via cam. Now it is apparent that we find each other both physically and emotionally attractive. But here’s my problem.

I have been in a downhill live-in relationship for the last couple of years and am in the processes of splitting up. My new “friend” is aware—I told him that I was in a relationship when we had begun chatting—of this and has not made any advances towards me in a romantic sort of way. Everything has been pretty innocent—minus some flirting here and there—but we have both been truthful about our situations and what it is that we want. Right now we are just equally keen on getting to know each other.

At first, there were some talks about meeting each other, perhaps in his city or mine. (We live about 4-5 hours away from each other.) And I really wanted to meet him. At first, I was stuck—and still am—in a predicament where I was worried about the current status of my relationship and how I would be able to get away to see my new “friend.” I didn’t want to cause myself any drama or complications with my boyfriend, but it seems as though with my recent actions I did.

I wound up lying to my boyfriend to see this guy for a 3-day weekend. Everything went great. We connected and everything. But I wound up being intimate with him. I came back home and am in the process of finalizing my current relationship. I feel awful about the situation, with me needing to lie to my ex about the whole situation.

But now I’m starting to look at this new guy suspiciously since I’m unsure of what his intentions are. He has been overseas for work these last couple of weeks and will be returning next week. He has been contacting me via Facebook/chat and has stated that he wants to meet again. When I asked him point blank about what was going on between us, and if it is purely physical, he stated that he is attracted to me both physically/intellectually and wants to know me better.

I don’t know what’s going on. If he wants just a sexual relationship why doesn’t he come out and say it?

More information:

I also found out that he has another Facebook page in relation to the one that I’m connected to. This new page seems to actually be his personal one. (He has is friends, his family–perhaps, and even his co-workers on it.) However, the one that I am connected to is pretty restrictive. I am unable to see his friends’ list. Yet the comments left on the page are made by a lot of African/African-American women. I happen to be an AF woman which raises a couple of red flags for me. I’m not even sure that I’m on the right grounds to even confront him about it. We’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, not committed/exclusive. (We’ve haven’t even gotten that far.) And I guess that he’s free to do/date whomever he wants. But at the same time, I can’t help but think that I just may be another AF-woman on his page to “chat” with and occasionally meet up with.

Should I confront him about the page? Would I have the right to do it? If so, how would I go about doing it without seeming like a stalker? If I shouldn’t confront him about it when would be the most appropriate time? WTF should I do? Should I pursue this or should I just see it as a fling and move on?

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question.

This second Facebook page makes us feel a bit uneasy. It sounds like you feel the same way.

Since you’ve already gotten together with this guy we see no reason why you can’t speak to him directly about your feelings and concerns. There are no rules here. The appropriate time is now. In fact we encourage you to do it sooner rather than later. You’ll get a lot of information based on his reaction to your question. We expect he’ll try to smooth talk you through it, and spin the same line about wanting to get you know better. He seems too smart to get defensive about it. Either way, please trust your gut. (Check out our video on this topic. On video page.) In general this feels a lot like the headline: “Guy meets great woman online but continues to troll dating sites for new talent.”

If he’s doing what we think he’s doing—hitting on as many people as he can—this doesn’t seem like a safe situation, physically and emotionally. You should definitely speak to him directly about how you’re feeling. However, in this situation, actions will speak louder than words. If he tells you he sees potential for a relationship with you, but then continues his whole Facebook charade, then you need to assess what’s the truth and what isn’t.

In general, tread carefully here. He may seem like a great guy—and it’s possible he is—but keep in mind that anyone can be wonderful from a distance. And anyone can be on their best behavior for three days. When hormones are raging, guys can be quite charming.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. Take care.

Does future career always trump future relationship?

One of the Guys — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 22:47:48 +0000

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Hi Guys,

I have been totally blindsided! About six weeks ago I started seeing this guy. (He is younger than me – I’m 30 and he’s 24, but that didn’t seem to bother him.) Everything was going really smoothly up until yesterday. While we were seeing each other he was out of town for two of the weeks. One of the weeks he was going to different universities around Canada because he’s finishing med school this year and is looking for residency positions. So we didn’t talk much while he was gone. And then the week before Christmas he was out of town staying with his family. So I know that overall I haven’t invested a whole lot of time into this relationship but I’m not sure where/when it went wrong.

The first few weeks that we were seeing each other he did do most of the talking. I think he was nervous(?) because it could be hard for me to get a word in edgewise. After our second date he wanted to not only know if I’d hang out with him on New Years but also wanted to know if there was anyone else in the picture and seemed somewhat surprised when I said that I wasn’t seeing anyone else. He even asked me if “I was (only) his” and I said yes. (How does one answer that kind of question??) He was really eager/enthusiastic – I’ve never dated someone so overzealous (seemingly) in the beginning of a relationship but I certainly wasn’t complaining. I don’t think he’s had much experience in having relationships. He said he’d only had one previous long term relationship and then a “fling” over the summer. I just got out of a 4.5 year relationship last March and I’m in no rush to jump into anything. (We waited until about 2 or 3 weeks in before having sex… well I made us wait and I think I should’ve waited longer).

After a few dates he invited me out with his friends and we had a really good time. He told me later they really liked me and a week or so after that my friends and I hosted a party and he came to that and my friends all came up to me later telling me they really liked him. After the party was the first time we had sex and I do think there was a (very) subtle change in the dynamic of the relationship after that. The very day we had sex I had to leave to go to work but we made plans to hang out when I got off. Just as I was on my way to meet up with him he messaged me bailing on me—first time ever bailing last minute—because he had to pack because he was going to his universities tour that I mentioned earlier. The fact that he had just stayed at home while I was gone playing on his xbox knowing he was supposed to meet up with me I thought was inconsiderate so I asked him to next time give me a heads-up in advance if he has to bail. And the following week, when he thought he wasn’t going to be able to meet up, he let me know 12 hours in advance! So I saw the bailing thing as just a blip.

We still frequently made plans to meet up after that and it was always nice spending time with him and he was pretty consistent about contacting me, as was I with him. Two days ago he got back from spending a week and a half with his family out of town. No sooner did we sit down at coffee yesterday that he said, “We have to talk!” We hadn’t even had a ‘define the relationship’ type of conversation so I didn’t even know if he considered me as his girlfriend. And then the next thing I knew he was ending our relationship and according to him we were dating!

He said that he felt that because the hospital he was going to be working at next semester was pretty far he was going to have to spend a lot of time at his parents because they live close to the hospital. He often has to be at the hospital for 6am and public transit doesn’t even start to operate until 6am and he will be on call most of the time and he didn’t know how much time he could invest into a relationship. He said he doesn’t also want to be a guy who calls only when he has like thirty minutes to hang out or something. He said he still likes me and is attracted to me but he has to prioritize his career and school. (Since I have a Master’s degree I totally get the need to prioritize school and career.)

So I told him that I respected him for being straight up but that I would’ve appreciated a bit more dialogue such as about how I would have felt with only seeing him once a week but he sort of made up his mind about how I would’ve felt about it.

I asked him how long he had been thinking of this and he said he just started really thinking seriously (as in 3 days ago) about how the next few months are going to be for him and that he didn’t see how things could work out as we’d like it to so he decided he needed to focus on his priorities, which is school and getting into a residency program. (I don’t begrudge that of course).

But is it really school or do you think he’ll have a change of heart?

Thanks!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

As women are often, but certainly not always, attracted to guys who are stable and seemingly good caretakers—guys with money, or at least good jobs—guys in turn strive to achieve those positions. Our identities, and unfortunately our egos, are closely connected to our work. We want to feel valued in society. We want to be respected by our peers. And we certainly want to be attractive to women. But it’s more than that. Since we’re no longer required to hunt, moving up the career ladder is the closest thing we have to taking down that Saber Tooth Tiger.

Your guy’s age and inexperience play a big factor here as well. He’s probably a bit uncertain about how he feels. Remember, he’s probably been planning on studying medicine his whole life. (Or maybe his parents pushed him in that direction, which is a whole other story.) Then all of a sudden he meets you right before he’s about to take the next step and he’s thrown off a bit. Most guys just won’t tolerate that. Even if they feel a strong connection with a woman they won’t allow themselves to “go there.” We’d say he fits neatly into this category. And if so, we don’t see him veering from his course.

Some people love the idea of love. They get all excited every time they meet someone new, only to have their feelings temper as the relationship develops. In a word, or words, this stinks for the other person. The way he spoke to you at the beginning was probably genuine, but in some ways he was living in his own fantasy world. When he “woke up,” he realized that he needed to stay focused on his plan.

Of course having said that, if this guy really felt something extra special with you his conversation might have been slightly different.(Like you surmised.) He might have asked you how you felt about him moving, and if you would consider trying to do a long distance relationship; and maybe if he was really a risk taker, he’d ask you if you would consider relocating. He still wouldn’t have changed his path, but it’s possible he might have tried to incorporate you into it.

But that takes a forward-thinking person to do that. Someone who is able to balance a lot at one time, or even understand that this balancing act is possible. If he’s career obsessed it might not even have occurred to him that having an exciting career AND a great relationship is possible. Some guys just don’t have that capacity, even when they are married.

If it makes you feel better we bet at some point he’ll feel some regret over his decision. We also wouldn’t be surprised if he contacted you again. But it’s hard to say when, and if he’ll be a different person when he does. (We wouldn’t hold our breath on this one.)

We’ll speak personally and tell you that having a career that we love is very important, but having a woman we love and a family to come home to is even better. There are many guys out there who feel the way we do. We’re not sure if this guy is one of them, or if he’s just too young to know where he stands.

Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Two questions: Is this party guy interested? (and) Did I get played by this girl?

One of the Guys — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 13:45:40 +0000

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Dear Guys,

There is this guy who works at the ABC store that I am very attracted to. The first time I went in to stock my home bar he helped me and as I left he said, “Let me know when the party is.” I took it as if he was just being nice. I went back in tonight and he asked me how the bar was going. I told him that no one drank the rum and he said, “Let me know where the party’s at and I will drink it!”

Is he trying to tell me something? Should I have taken those comments and invited him over? I am soo shy. Should I just pass him the number and leave it at that?

Trisha

Dear Trisha,

Thanks for your question.

Well, he’s either interested in you, or he really likes to drink rum. Either way, you won’t know unless you make the first move.

We don’t think there’s any harm in giving him your number, but just remember you don’t really know the guy. Maybe a first meeting should be sometime during the day, say for coffee? If that goes well you can take it from there.

He sounds fun, but we’re always a bit wary about relationships that begin with drinks. If you know what we mean!

Happy New Year,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

(AND)

Hey Guys,

So for about 4 months I started talking to a girl who I know through a friend. We started off as just friends but then I started to get feelings for her. I told her straight up how I felt and that I was starting to fall for her. She had been dating a guy who hit her and controlled her. She told me every day that I was the only guy who treated her right and that I was above all other guys ever.

A few weeks ago they broke up and she said she didn’t want to date anyone and stay single for awhile. I told her I respected that choice and told her I was still there for her. She told me that when she was ready I would be at top of the list. But last night I saw a tweet on my feed that said she was dating some other guy.

All I wanna know is if you think I got played and used? Did she only want me around to feel wanted and loved?

Thanks,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Thanks for your question.

Rest assured you did a good thing. You gave this woman strength as she dealt with an abusive boyfriend. Good for you.

But sometimes it’s a drag being the ‘good guy’ isn’t it?

We don’t think you got used specifically. Meaning, she didn’t use you and then discard you. She leaned on you as she would a friend. But we’re not sure it means anything more than that. Her choice of words to you seems a bit coy and non-committal. (“You’ll be at the top of her list when she’s ready.”) She has a list?

However, by your description of her taste in men, she doesn’t seem capable of choosing a good guy just yet. She’s still into guys who treat her poorly, as if that’s somehow more exciting. It makes no sense to us, just as women are baffled by guys who go for beautiful women with not much else going on—not that the two are mutually exclusive. (We’re just making a point.)

We’d say don’t abandon her; she still probably values your friendship. But we think you shouldn’t hold out any hope that she’ll suddenly come around. She’s got a ways to go before she’s ready for a good guy like yourself.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated

One of the Guys — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 16:09:33 +0000

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I went to one of my friend’s weddings which was held five hours away from where I live. While there I met a guy who was my age. We hit it off and had a lot in common and sparks started to fly. This all happened in January of this year.

I had drove to visit him 10+ times and he came to visit me. I went to wedding with him, introduced him to my family/friends and met his family/friends; everything was perfect.

After several months of talking we decided to date long distance. We knew it wouldn’t be easy but we gave it a go anyway. I started getting a little suspicious when he wouldn’t add me on Facebook and he would always have a password set on his phone—not like I’d go through it anyway. But it all didn’t add up.

One day while I was visiting, he was at work and I wanted to be cute and write on his calendar. (He had a whole bunch of permanent markers in a cubby on his night stand so I grabbed one and there happened to be a sticky note stuck to one of them.) So of course I read it and it was from a girl telling him she loved him and had an amazing time with him. However, there was no date so it could have been old. I decided to ask him about it and he got all defensive and we got into an argument which didn’t make matters any better.

So automatically that gave me some trust issues with him. My friend found out through her friend that my guy was going to all these bars and all these girls were commenting on his page on Facebook. Which wasn’t a big deal really, but he would lie to me about where he was if I happened to call. He would say his phone died or he was just hanging at a friend’s house when really he was out at the bars. Then to top things off my friend Googled his name and found him posting on this chat message board trying to pick up girls two days before one of my trips to see him.

I haven’t seen him since October 2nd and on the 7th of this month he told me maybe we should end things because I deserve better and all of that. So I got upset and blocked him and we haven’t spoken since. I know he has screwed me over and I’ve been completely faithful and honest but I miss him. I had plans to move there to be with him and everything and now it’s all gone. January of 2012 will mark our one year and it’s hard to think about.

What should I do? Do you think he will come back? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a tough time.

Distance and time can often distort perception. You haven’t seen this guy since October so of course you’re missing him terribly. Yes, you might remember that he cheated on you, but the painful feelings associated with that memory have faded, replaced by memories of the good times you had with him. We’ve all been there.

If you get back together with him ask yourself if things would be different. Do you think you can trust him again? Do you think he will be responsible with that trust? Do you believe when he’s out in the world he’ll be saying to himself ‘How would Ashley feel if I did this’? Because in order to make this work, or any trusting relationship to work, the answer to all those questions must be a definitive YES. Because doubt breeds insecurity, which leads to resentment, and eventually disillusion.

We can’t say whether he’ll come back. The larger question is, should you take him back if he does come back?

People can change, but often it takes time, usually littered with broken relationships along the way before the person finally has an epiphany and realizes they need to fundamentally change. This also must be coupled with self-reflection. Without the two working in tandem change won’t happen.

Guys, tend to take longer to change. Many people say women are more intuitive. That’s not necessarily true. But guys are so programmed to try and be cool and tough that they ignore their intuition in favor of a rough exterior and uncaring attitude. It’s all a smokescreen. But it can take a lifetime to clear all that smoke.

Just think about all these questions as you move forward. There are trustworthy and loyal guys out there. You might not need to recycle the past to get the person you’re looking for.

Be well,

THE GUYS

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Dumped by text

One of the Guys — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 00:46:36 +0000

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Dear Guys,

I was dating this guy for about 6 months. Things were going good, we were enjoying each other’s time and he was someone I could be open with. Then out of the blue I get this text message saying:

“I just got back from office. I am barely able to finish this text I’m so tired. But it’s important we communicate. I have something to share with you. Met someone that I like and I wanted to give it a fair chance. So I have to be true and fair to myself, you and her. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to continue seeing each other for now. I would like us to remain friends but after a bit of time has passed and I feel comfortable in my relationship. I hope you find it in you to be happy for me and wish me well. It is what I would do.”

It was totally out of left field. I was so hurt. This happened about a month ago and I am still hurt and confused about it. I am 33 and he is 45. This is not something I would have expected from an older man.

My question is, what would make a man break up with somone via a text message? Why did he do that? I gave him no reason to think I am crazy.

Confused and hurt,

Fatisha

Dear Fatisha,

Thanks for your question.

We are as taken aback by this as you are. A 45 year-old guy should know better. We’re sorry.

So we discussed among ourselves the question: Is there ever a time when it’s okay to break up via text?

We could agree on only one scenario:

If a couple uses texting as their primary mode of communication, then it seems reasonable—although still odd to us—that this particular couple could conduct a breakup via texting. Otherwise breaking up in a text message is completely irresponsible and shows a total lack of respect.

We know you’re hurt and sad, but hopefully as time goes by you might realize that this man showed his true colors the day he broke up with you. He used the quickest and easiest way to extricate himself from your relationship and then had the gall to ask for your blessing. This shows how little he valued your relationship, and much about his lack of character and values.

We’d like to think that most people face their challenges head on. They admit if they were wrong. They apologize when warranted. And they don’t avoid those difficult conversations even when they know how unpleasant they are going to be. Clearly your man does not live his life this way. So Fatisha, is this the kind of guy you want to have a long term relationship with? Think about how many challenges life throws at us. Don’t you want someone in your corner who’s got your back? Someone you know you can count on when things get tough? Someone who has your best interests in mind?

Hopefully in your next relationship you have will be a true partnership.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question in the comments section. We’ll respond there. Also, let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

One of the Guys — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 14:28:44 +0000

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

2. Where did all the mistletoe go?

Dear Guys,

I answered a casual encounters ad on Craigslist. No sex. He just wanted to play with my breasts. I thought it would be something like making out, maybe foreplay without the sex; and initially it was. We had our first meeting in public—no breast activity at all. I liked him, so we kept in touch through text messages mostly and a few phone calls. We made plans to see each other on a more regular basis. After a few meetings he suggested that we try something new—extended breast play. I asked, “Don’t we do that already?” So he further explained it as suckling. I asked if it was like breastfeeding, and he said that it was simulating it. I asked if what he really wanted was a pregnant and/or nursing woman. He said no. I asked if he had ever done it before and he said no. He gave me the impression that this was a new experience for us both. So I tried it, and I liked it. It was a lot more intimate than anything we had done prior. Afterwards, I was curious about what we tried so I started googling it. I started with adult breastfeeding, which lead to erotic lactation, and that lead to adult nursing relationships (ANRs).

Anyway, at first I was upset when I found at all of this information. I thought this was something new to both of us but apparently it wasn’t. But after some thought I could see why he wasn’t completely upfront about what he wanted. However, I let my anxiety take over, and instead of waiting patiently to speak with him, I flooded him with texts, and emails and voice mail messages for three days. I didn’t yell or accuse, like I said, I understand why he was less than honest, and I wanted to explore this with him.

Anyway, we never spoke about what I discovered. He said if this was going to work I needed to apply the breaks, heavily. Then he asked me for space. I gave him one week.

He stopped answering my phone calls, emails, and text messages. I became clingy and needy. Eventually I resorted to dropping by his house unannounced. The first time it freaked him out but it ended in a heavy makeout session. The second time he yelled at me in his hallway and sent me away. He was hurtful. I, in turn, sent him a nasty email. We haven’t spoken in a week and a half. I really messed this up. He won’t talk to me, and he has already started looking for someone else. I know he is back to answering (ANR) ads.

I can’t let this go. I feel as though he tossed me aside like a defective blow up doll. Should I apologize? Will he ever be receptive to me again, or should I stay away? Is it possible for things to just go back to being casual, stress free, and fun or will he think I’m crazy forever?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your question.

The issue here is one of expectation. When you answer a “Casual Encounters Ad” on Craigslist, it implies just that: a casual encounter. Nothing more. Nothing less. Your reaction—although in our minds warranted—took the arrangement from casual to serious, which is not something he was looking for. His own internal and external exploration helped him realize he has a fetish for this sort of thing. (ANR) So, he is now looking for like-minded people who have reached this same realization.

We think it’s unlikely your relationship can go back to being just casual and fun. In general, it’s possible to take a relationship from casual to serious, but difficult to go from serious to casual. But we can’t blame you for wanting to understand more about “extended breast play” and then seeking answers from him. It’s too bad he wasn’t able to be honest with you from the get go. But maybe honesty is too much to ask when you answer this type of ad?

The one place we do think you crossed the line is showing up at his house unannounced, especially when you were really angry. Going forward, please try to suppress these impulses unless you want to be labeled as: crazy, loco, psycho, nuts, or creepy.

We’re sorry you feel discarded. But unfortunately we don’t think he’s open to you anymore. But we also don’t think you could have done much differently. Sure you might have acted a bit “needy” but who could blame you? And really, is this the kind of guy you want to be in a relationship with? We doubt it. Not because of his alternative interests, but because of his dishonesty, and unwillingness to explore with you and help you understand. Sharing fetishes and fantasies with a partner can help spice things up and even bring people closer together. But this guy is not looking for one woman he can share his fantasies with but rather as many willing “Milk Maids” as he can find.

We hope this helps. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us any follow up questions. Leave all comments/questions in this comments section here and we’ll respond here as well.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Happy Holidays: Some fun reading and videos

One of the Guys — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 15:15:27 +0000

We hope everyone is enjoying themselves this holiday season. We certainly are. If you’re looking for a short break from the festivities and need some quiet time, take in a few of these holiday pieces.

If you have a question, please leave us a note here on the “Ask the Guys” page. We’re doing our best to get to all of your questions.

Until then, enjoy!

THE GUYS

1. Holiday Expectations: The goal of perfection (From our very own “One of the Guys”)

3. Unconventional Holiday Movies

4. Where to take your holiday hookups

5. Holiday dating Dos and Don’ts

6. How to survive holiday dating

7. Healthy relationships during the holidays: Dr. Logan Levkoff-sexologist

8. The four Christmas articles you’ll see on the internet

9. Magic of the holidays (Another article from “One of the Guys”)

10. College Humor Holiday Video

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. Take a look and see what the topic is for February and March. If you’re not a writer, let your writer friends know. We look forward to reading your submissions. Thanks.

My “so called” male bestie

One of the Guys — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 22:40:19 +0000

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

Are my sister’s actions inappropriate?

Dear Guys,

One year ago I met an amazing guy. We slept together on the first night we met. Oops! However, after the one-night stand we both had NO intentions of seeing each other again. However, we exchanged numbers. The rest is history; we talked every day 2 or 3 times a day with numerous text messages. We slept together approximately six more times after the initial encounter. However, three months into our “friends with benefits” he started to become distant and decided we should just be friends with NO sex. I didn’t agree with the NO sex part.

Side note: Six months after we decided to just be friends with NO sex, I had a conversation with him and explained that I could no longer continue our friendship. I was emotionally connected to him and we could no longer be friends to protect my emotional safety. I asked him to not call me anymore or text. He agreed. During this “friendship break up” he says, “I do care about you. And because I care we can’t have sex anymore.” He says he doesn’t have a connection with the other women he sleeps with. He also states that he is very attracted to me, but he never let his feelings grow for me; he always assumed we were friends. * Confusing*

However, the next day after this conversation, he starts calling me, texting, and he says, “I miss your voice, it’s too hard.” I gave in and we are back to talking everyday. Now we have a friendly date once a month. I’m so confused and need your help. What does he want from me??? He dates other people and he is fully aware that I’m dating other people.

However, why be his friend???? If we only see each other occasionally and I’m not getting any sex from him I’m not sure the point. All we do is talk on the phone and text each other. Please help. At this point I can cut him off with no problem. I’m tired of being his friend with no benefits.

Does he just want to be my friend? If so, why does he call me and text me so often? I have several male friends and I don’t talk to them every day. Is he using me?

Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

Thanks for your question.

No, he’s not using you. It sounds like he really values your friendship and wants you to be a part of his life. But we don’t think he wants anything more than that. (Meaning a romantic relationship with you.)

We actually get the sense that this guy is trying to do the right thing. Frankly, he’s being more honest with you than most guys would be. He’s telling you upfront that he cares about you enough to even stop having sex with you. Most guys would just continue having sex until the woman put an end to it.

So this all falls back on you. What do you want Tiffany? Are you able to be this guy’s friend without feeling upset that you don’t have something more with him? Do you want to listen while he talks about the other women he’s dating and sleeping with? Are you truly able to enjoy his friendship? Our sense is you really like this guy and if he wanted a committed relationship you’d stop dating these other guys you’re dating and be with him exclusively. If this is the case, you need to think long and hard about whether or not this friendship is the best thing for you.

Some of us over here at The Guy’s Perspective just watched “Friends with Benefits” with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. (Yes, we have to keep abreast of the “latest” date movies.) Anyway, these types of arrangements just don’t typically work. Someone always gets attached and then ultimately hurt. It’s not always the woman, but it’s always someone.

Decide what you want Tiffany and go from there. If you want this man as your friend by all means keep the friendship. Having a guy friend can be a very enriching and enlightening experience. But if you’re secretly pining for more, you’re headed for more frustration and heartache. We just don’t see the situation changing. Guys don’t work that way.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Are my sister’s actions inappropriate?

One of the Guys — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 00:41:13 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

My cheating ex won’t get out of my life. Why?

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

Hi Guys,

It seems like every time I meet or date someone my sister likes to form her own type of relationship with the person. Some of the guys are people I’m dating, others are just friends. (I don’t think she’s trying to date them though.) It starts out innocently enough with a few comments on Facebook and before I know it she has added them as a friend—most of the time she has never even met the person—which then leads to texting/phone and in some cases, hanging out. Sometimes she likes to hijack my phone and text them funny things pretending it’s from me. (Sometimes it is funny, but a lot of the time it’s not.)

This has happened on more than a few occasions…at least six or seven times. I feel like I’m being paranoid but I would never do something like that to her. I’ve been told I’m justified AND I’ve been told I’m jealous.

There is a eight year age gap between us—I am the oldest (33)of three and she is the youngest (25)—and we have always been close, but this really bothers me. Is this a line crosser? I don’t know how to approach her. The one time I did she got bent out of shape and mass deleted everyone on Facebook, saying she wasn’t allowed to be friends with my friends. And the one time I mentioned it to a guy I was told I was jealous.

I’m at a loss as to what to make of it. And, what to do.

Trish

Dear Trish,

Thanks for your question.

You’re in a funny position here. It’s obvious you care about your sister and you don’t want to do anything to damage your relationship, but at the same time you’d like her to stop. (Ahh, the complexity of sibling relationships!)

Rest assured, she is completely in the wrong. She is definitely crossing the line and she seems completely oblivious to this fact. Which says to us, whatever roles you established when the two of you were younger, are still playing out here. Meaning, you’re expected to be the mature and understanding older sister who puts up with her younger sister’s cute pranks. Maybe twenty years ago her antics were adorable, but now that you’re both adults, not so much anymore.

Sibling roles often last forever. Even after kids go off to establish their own lives—maybe getting married and having their own families—these same roles play out over and over during family get togethers and events. In order to break free from these roles it takes work and participation from both sides. Often, if issues arise, one sibling might try to move the relationship to a new place while the other sibling resists, which can cause a rift that can last a lifetime.

We don’t think a lifetime rift will happen in your case, but you are going to have to have a “sit down” with your sis. (This behavior isn’t going to stop on its own.) And this is where being the older sister will help you, because it’s clear she’s trying to get your attention. She’s flexing her adult muscles, demonstrating her power, and probably looking for your approval. Yes, she still wants to know that big sister is paying attention as she navigates the adult world. And of course on some level she’s also competing with you. What younger sibling doesn’t want to “beat” their older brother or sister in something?

What she doesn’t realize is that you’re treating her more as an equal now, someone who should know better. And this is how we might broach the topic. Tell her how much you care about her, but you also might want to flip things on her. Tell her that sometimes even older sis might need some support from younger sis. If she realizes that you in fact don’t have all the answers, maybe she’ll back off and realize she has crossed the line. Hopefully this new understanding will bring the two of you even closer.

However, this conversation may not go smoothly, and it is possible she will have a knee-jerk reaction and be angry for a time. But if you do it with sensitivity—even though she’s not being sensitive now—eventually she’ll understand her behavior is inappropriate.

And for Pete’s Sake, please hide your phone!

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a comment her in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

One of the Guys — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 21:44:34 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

My cheating ex won’t get out of my life. Why?

Dear Guys,

I dated this guy for about 5 months. We weren’t too serious, but we did see each other every day. We weren’t exclusive but we had been going to family events with one another and holiday things of the sort.

A couple weeks ago he started acting distant and I thought something was wrong. Well, he decided to end things, saying he just needed to figure himself out. No big deal. We were gonna stay friends, and I was gonna let him decide what he wanted to do.

Well after a couple days his ex contacts me saying she had been talking with him—not that it mattered since he and I weren’t exclusive. But then she says she is talking to an old friend of mine as well. They tell me all this drama and I ask my ex about it. He says it’s not true and we continue on like normal.

A couple days later my ex calls me and is LIVID. He tells me that this guy his ex has been talking to apparently fell off the face of the earth. His ex apparently thinks I have made this person up and have been leading her on and feeding her all this info blah blah blah. Now my ex is furious. He then says he wants nothing to do with the drama and cuts me and her off completely. Then I get a call a couple days later from saying I am not allowed to contact him, his family, or anyone else he knows AT ALL. He apparently thinks I am an insecure because he believed I did all this. Then he says he never cared.

None of what he accused me of was true. So I obviously blocked him from everything possible and never contacted him AGAIN. A week later he texts me asking if we can meet somewhere public to discuss this all. He then calls and says he just wants me to own up to all of it and he just wants to “help” me. What man does this? I thought if he actually believed all this he would be running for the hills thinking I was psychotic. Why would he call me AGAIN to just make me upset and angry to tell me I’m a liar AGAIN?

I don’t understand why he keeps contacting me. Why won’t he just leave it alone? Am I missing something? Can you help me understand what is going on here? Does he really believe I have done all this? And if he does, why keep contacting me, shouldn’t you run away from the psycho girl? Is this some sick and twisted way to get me back? If so it’s surely NOT working.

Just try and explain this to me, cause no one else can.

Angry and Confused

Dear Angry and Confused,

Thanks for your question. Honestly we’re a bit confused to actually what went down and with whom. And maybe the specifics don’t actually matter.

From what we can see the confusion began way before all of the “drama” started. The confusion actually began while the two of you were together, because a relationship that’s not exclusive is called dating. This sort of “open” relationship is ripe for all sorts of misunderstandings to happen. Why? Because the boundaries aren’t clear. What is okay and not okay is hazy? And even though both parties might say, “it’s all good,” when it comes down to it someone always gets hurt.

In your case, he got hurt. Because frankly your relationship doesn’t look a lot different now than it did when you were together. (How do you actually break up from a relationship that’s not exclusive? Does that mean, no physical contact anymore?) And if you think about it this way, you can see why he’s upset over your supposed actions. (We understand that you didn’t do what he thinks you did.) In his mind, someone close to him betrayed him. It has less to do with the fact that you dated, and more to do with your friendship. And once again, all of this stems from the lack of clarity with your relationship.

We think you should talk with him. It’s obvious to us that both of you still care about each other, at least to some degree, so why not have the conversation? See what he has to say. Yeah, it probably won’t be pleasant, but if you really want to find out what’s going on, why not get it from the original source, instead of asking everyone you know to enlighten you.

If you do have that conversation feel free to ask us a follow up question. Or just get us up to date. We’re interested to hear how this all turns out. (Leave comments in the comments section here on this post. We’ll do the same.)

Our advice moving forward: You might want to try and stay away from these types of non-exclusive relationships, including getting back together with this guy. (If things get resolved with your discussion.) There are reasons that exclusive, monogamous relationships work.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My cheating ex won’t get out of my life. Why?

One of the Guys — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 01:28:57 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Dear Guys,

I was in a relationship for 5 years. (A gay couple.) My ex constantly flirted with his previous boyfriends or other guys online while we were together.

Two years ago he left me and moved in with a guy he just met. Well that lasted two weeks and then he wanted me back. When he came back he got into counseling and I thought things were going well. I was wrong. He cheated again. So I ended the relationship for good.

It has taken a lot of work to get over my ex. Finally, I started talking to someone new. At the beginning of December my ex tried to say negative things about me to this new guy. Then he tried to repair his broken relationship with my best friend. (I think it’s really unfair of my ex to contact my best friend.) He’s made sure that I don’t talk to many mutual friends anymore which I’m okay with because it tells me they weren’t true friends.

The bottom line is, my ex just won’t go away. Not a week goes by that he doesn’t do something to try and tear me down. What I don’t understand is why would he do this? He’s dating someone else. And I’ve been working hard on myself to heal and grow from this because it was a really, really bad relationship.

He’s told everyone he doesn’t want me, but he still contacts me and tries to get all dramatic. So why won’t he go away? Why won’t he stop doing these things and just leave me alone?

Nate

Dear Nate,

Thanks for your question.

It takes strength to break up with someone you still love. Good for you—for recognizing how unhealthy your relationship was, and extracting yourself. But as you know, the breakup is only the first step to actually moving on. Often people get back together—as in your case, sometimes more than once—only to finally break it off permanently. Once the actual physical connection is no longer there it still takes time to separate emotionally.

And that’s where you are. Both of you. You are still allowing him to exhibit control over you and he still feels remorseful for messing up a good thing. Because rest assured, he is remorseful, and wishes he acted differently when the two of you were together. Otherwise he wouldn’t be spending so much time trying to make life difficult for you now. He sees that you’ve moved on. He sees you’ve gotten stronger and more confident and that bothers him. He wants you to feel as miserable as he does inside. So when he sees you happy, he’s going to do anything he can to try and take that from you.

You can’t control his actions and words, but you can control how you react to what he says, and how his actions affect you. This starts with you having very clear boundaries. (Maybe you’ve done this, but it should happen again.) Please ask him nicely to stop speaking badly about you to other people. And then ask him to stop contacting you. Once you’ve done this you must also follow through. Stop answering his calls. Don’t get sucked into the drama—long drawn out conversations and arguments. Stop giving him any sort of audience and after a while this will hopefully stop.

We understand that part of the problem is the two of you travel in many of the same circles. You have mutual friends, you go to similar hang outs, and you probably live near each other. So unless you plan on moving and starting a new life somewhere else, you’re going to have to deal with him in your life to some extent. So you must be consistent, strong, and clear. And lean on your true friends for support. Don’t be shy about this. It’s okay to ask for help.

Nate, if you can understand that he’s actually hurting, and try to see him as someone who doesn’t know how to deal with his inner turmoil, it might help you separate from him. We’re not saying accept his negative actions. No one should ever accept being bullied. And we’re not saying it’s your job to help him. It’s not. But if you realize that he is in a holding pattern—right where he was when you broke up with him—and that you’ve grown so much since then, you’ll realize that you do in fact have the control here. You’re the stronger person; you’re the person who’s put in the hard work to grow; so you need to rise above this. Hopefully one day he’ll start working on what he needs to work on. But that’s his journey, not yours.

Focus on what you can control: your happiness. The rest is all static, meant to distract you from your goal.

And finally, if this gets too bad, and he won’t leave you alone, then you might need to seek help beyond your friends. (Something to consider down the road.) Hopefully it won’t ever get to that point.

Good luck and happy holidays.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

One of the Guys — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 16:13:29 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Dear Guys,

Since I was a freshman in high school I have always had a crush on one of my former coaches. This has been no secret to anyone who knows me and I am even positive that he knows as well. All throughout high school we have had a special relationship—a “Father and Daughter” relationship as he would describe it. But I’ve always been sure that there was something more unspoken between us.

For instance, during games or whenever we were in the same room he would always stare at me, although very discreetly. It’s the way that he stares sometimes. I can’t help but blush or shy away. Also, he would go out of his way to speak with me—interrupting conversations that I am having with others or finding ways to accommodate me. Often he would ask about my status with some of my male peers. And even after I graduated he let me know to email him to stay in contact so he’ll know how things are going with me.

One incident that stands out so vividly in my mind happened at my last volleyball game of my high school career. He was sitting way in the stands. I remained on the bench the entire game. Upset we lost the game and that I didn’t even get to play, I stormed out of the gym and into the nearest restroom. Just shortly after I went in a female teacher—who’s one of his closest friends—came in after me to let me know that he was standing outside the door and wanted to speak with me. (This teacher was also aware of my fondness for him.) I quickly pulled myself together and met him outside the door. The fact that he came after me and noticed my exit out of a gym meant a lot to me. He then talked to me and his face was just inches from mine. That’s when I heard “I love you to death..like a daughter, of course.” I’ve heard him call me his daughter before even though he’s white and I am African American. And I even heard him tell me that he loved me before, but when he spoke with me outside the restroom something about the way he spoke with me told me there was something more to it. Could I be wrong?

To this very day I visit the high school and the girls in the school’s volleyball program. The first person I notice is him when I walk through those doors. I notice that he notices me too but he tries not to seem phased by my presence. Sometimes he doesn’t even talk to me. He just holds conversations with other people and steals glances from a distance. Though we still email each other I can’t seem to understand why things may be so awkward for him.

Am I delusional? Can there be something more? Is this mutual attraction all in my head? Or can he be conflicted because he’s a teacher, coach, husband, and newly father.

Ash

Dear Ash,

Thanks for your question. We’re surprised we haven’t gotten a question like this before.

Relationships between coaches and players—or teachers and students—have clearly defined parameters. Coaches have to be very careful not to cross these parameters if they want to keep their job, or stay out of jail. We’re sure you’ve seen plenty of cases on the news of coaches losing sight of those very clear boundaries and ending up ruining their lives and the lives of all the people who love them.

From what you describe your instincts could be right. It’s possible there could be a mutual attraction. (But we don’t really know. We can only go by what you’re saying.) Players often have crushes on their coaches. They see someone who’s strong, confident, knowledgeable, and maybe even good looking and they start to fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with this person. (Because those particular characteristics ARE attractive, especially to young women coached by an older guy.) And on the flipside, men see beautiful, athletic, young women running around in shorts and tee shirts and it’s only natural for them to recognize this beauty, and be attracted to it.

But it should NEVER go any further than that. It can’t. And if it does, that’s when trouble starts and lives get ruined.

Coaches especially need to be cognizant of the affect they might have on their players and not take advantage of this power. Although this happens all the time in our society. Think rock stars, artists, athletes, etc. But teachers and coaches, whom parents have entrusted with their children, have to be extra diligent about keeping to their clearly defined roles.

We can’t say whether or not he’s actually attracted to you, but it’s clear he’s fond of you. He says he thinks of you like a daughter, so we think you need to take him at his word. And OF COURSE the whole situation is awkward for him. He might care for you but he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s crossing the line, so he has to be guarded. And frankly, he has everything to lose by doing anything more than what he’s doing. He’s a husband and father and he needs to always keep that in mind as he carries himself in the world.

So Ash, it’s fine to have a crush on your coach but you need to leave it right where it is. We realize you really want to know if he also has feelings for you, but we think you need to put this aside and start focusing your energy on men your own age. And be happy you have a mentor/father who cares for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

One of the Guys — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 17:58:06 +0000

A note to readers:

This post will appear on both the “Ask the Guys” page and the “Fatherhood/Parenting” page. It seems appropriate for both.

And now, in addition to answering relationship questions, THE GUYS will also be fielding parenting questions. If you’re looking for an objective view about a parenting situation you’re having, we are happy to offer our humble opinion. Don’t consider this advice per se, because we certainly have many questions ourselves. But we—”our collective parenting experience”—might be able to offer some insight into your problem. And if nothing else, it’s another opinion for you to consider.

So ask away. Don’t be shy.

Dear Guys,

My son is 26 and has been dating a woman who is 33 for the last 7 months. She has three kids of her own.

I dont understand how he can throw his life away? He will never have children with her because she already has three. But he says he loves her.

Any advice?

Upset Mom

Dear Upset Mom,

Thanks for your question. We can certainly speak to this topic from both sides. (Some of us have chosen your son’s path and some of us are parents.)

As parents we want our kids to have a great life. We want them to get an education, land a great job, find a loving partner, have their own kids, and grow old—surrounded by a support system of wonderful people including their kids. In essence we want them to live the lives we’ve lived—or are living—but only better. And this is completely natural and understandable. We’re right there with you.

However, you know as well as we do, that this isn’t how it works. Think about your own choices and how they may have clashed with your own parents’ hopes and dreams for you? At least on our end there has always been, and still is, a healthy dose of conflict with our parents, as we fumble and claw our way through this life. Not to get all existential on you, but isn’t that what the human existence is all about? It’s a continuum. We try our best, make mistakes, grow wiser—hopefully—and just as we think, maybe just maybe, we’ve figured out a little something, it’s time for us to leave this earth.

Your son is doing exactly that. He’s making the best choices he can make for where he’s at on the continuum of learning. Sure it’s easy for us to offer this viewpoint sitting here on the sidelines, but actually we do know EXACTLY how you are feeling.

So what are you saying to your son? Are you giving him a hard time about this? Because if you are, you’re putting your relationship with him at risk. And for what? No matter what you say he’s going to do what he thinks is right for him. This is not a guy thing. This is a human thing. He has accrued a certain amount of information in his life that he carries around in a metaphorical bag. This bag of experiences informs him every day. And so he can only make decisions based on the experiences he has already. Maybe in five years, ten years he’ll look back and wonder what the heck he was thinking. But right now, he can only make decisions based on his previous experiences. And for him a relationship with this woman seems like a good thing right now.

So you have two choices.

1. Try to accept this as best you can and support him. If he ultimately chooses this path then at least you’ll be with him as he moves forward with his life. And if he does break it off with her, you’ll be there to help him get back on his feet, with your relationship still intact.

2. You can continue to be against this choice and draw a line in the sand by letting him know he’s making a mistake. But then you’ll miss out on being part of his life because he’ll shut you out. Sure, if you must tell him how you feel, say it once, and once only. But after that one time, if you continue, he’s going to push you out of his life. And if he does break up with her, he’s going to remember how you treated him—mainly that you didn’t trust him to make his own decisions—and hold that against you. Your relationship will be in serious jeopardy, and will likely be forever altered. And we honestly don’t think you want that, do you?

Guys especially need a purpose in life. For some it’s a great career. For others it’s a family to take care of. And for some, it’s bedding as many women as they can. And guys struggle with this. Some choose one purpose only to realize it’s not what ultimately makes them happy, and then they do a complete 180.

It’s very possible this is not your son’s “final stop” on the continuum. As we said before we’ve been on both sides of this. And we’ve seen it work out to varying degrees. A dear friend of ours married a woman with three kids and couldn’t be happier—much happier than many who have chosen the conventional life. Others have dated women with kids only to break up after a time.

So please think long and hard about how you want to proceed from here on out. We understand you’re sad, frustrated, and probably a bit angry. All the time and energy you spent raising your son, only for him to choose this path?! We don’t think there’s a parent on this earth that would choose this particular path for their child. But all parents would choose happiness for their kids.

Remember, the relationship you’ve built with your son is everything. Don’t throw it away over this. He needs you now as much as he’s always needed you. And that will never change, unless you create a situation where he doesn’t trust you anymore.

So hang in there. You might be surprised at what happens. Most relationships don’t last, especially when complicated by more than two people. But when they do, they were meant to.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. (If they have any relationship or parenting questions.) And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal button on right of each page.) It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. Thanks!

Readers: Please share your opinions. Or experiences.

Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

One of the Guys — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 23:05:39 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

Dear Guys,

Please enlighten me!

I met a guy through work almost a year ago that I really like and would like to get to know better. We live in different states, and communicate via text, IM, and e-mails.

Typically I am the one who initiates the conversation (not always), but he ALWAYS responds no matter how random the message. Also, he sent me a pic when I requested one. Would a guy do that if he weren’t interested? Or is he just being nice, and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings?? I even told him once that I felt he was giving off mixed signals and it was okay if he wasn’t interested…I’m a big girl and can handle it, blah, blah, blah. Instead of confirming or denying interest, he asked what I meant and that he didn’t think he was doing that.

All of the guys I’ve asked so far have said the same thing…that no one is that nice. If he wasn’t interested there is no way he would keep responding, especially for this long.

My girlfriends all say very different things ranging from “he’s interested” to “he has a girlfried” to “you are reading more into it”, etc.

Guys, What do you think?? Is he interested, or am I reading more into the situation than there is because I want there to be more??

Is it possible that we are both too guarded and cautious and waiting for a more direct and honest approach before opening up to each other? If that’s the case should I write a letter and put it all out there, or is that too desperate? I am desperate for the truth, not for a boyfriend…(I get asked out all the time), but there is just something about this guy that has captured my attention.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,

Dear AJ,

Thanks for your question.

Typically if a guy doesn’t take the initiative to move a “relationship” forward we would say he’s probably not interested. However in your case, since it is a long distance situation, that maxim doesn’t apply.

How confident do you think this guy is? From our point of view it’s hard to say. Sure, he might be savvy via text and email but that doesn’t mean he feels comfortable closing the deal. And when you factor in your work connection, he may be at a loss on the best way to proceed.

When a guy asks a woman to marry him he’s usually pretty certain that she’ll say yes. A non sequitur? Not really. Because some guys want this same level of certainty even before they ask a girl out on a date. (Think high school) Maybe their ego can’t handle rejection? Either way, this particular type of guy needs some help. Your guy may fall into this group.

We agree with your guy friends. We don’t think he’d be wasting his time for this long unless he was interested in you in some way. But if that’s true we can also see why you’re confused. You’re probably wondering, ‘What is taking him so long? Why is he not asking me out? What’s his deal?’ And that’s why we understand where your girlfriends are coming from too. He’s a bit of a mystery.

So here’s what we think. This guy needs you to be the one to take the risk. Of course, really, what is the risk? Rejection? Embarrassment? Those are only risks for a person who lacks inner strength. Sure it’s never fun to be rejected, but what’s the worst that can happen here? Not much really. You feel crappy for a bit and then you move on. But at least you’ll get the information you’re seeking.

However, we don’t think you should write him a “tell all” letter. Just let him know you’re interested in more than a text/IM relationship. You could drop hints, but why be ambiguous? Tell him directly that you find him intriguing and let him know you’d be open if he wanted to arrange a visit, etc.

But DON’T do the asking yourself. He’s got to take some initiative. You’re basically doing 90% of the work here anyway. If he can’t do the last 10% then he’s not who you think he is.

Good luck. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here as well. And please also keep us posted. You’ve piqued our curiosity. We want to know how this turns out.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal button.)

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

One of the Guys — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 21:27:57 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

Dear Guys,

So I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We work together which only makes it worse because his wife works in the same place. When this all started I was married and he approached me. Then, he told me he and his wife of only a few months got separated. He said the only thing left to do was file the papers.

Since then I have divorced my husband. The problem now is that my boyfriend doesn’t know what he wants to do because he is very religious and doesn’t “believe in divorce.” He says he loves me and promises things are going to get better but it’s hard because we have to remain hidden. When I complain about things he tells me if it’s too much I should just walk away from all of it and he will understand.

His wife has now moved back into their home and I see them talking at work. He thinks I am overreacting when I say anything about this. What is really going on here?? Does he really not know what he wants to do or am I going to just be stuck as the “other woman” until I finally walk away from this situation? I have invested so much of my life into him and this relationship based on what he tells me but I’m tired of being a secret and even more tired of waiting for him to make up his mind.

What should I do??

Chelle

Dear Chelle,

Thanks for your question.

When you say you’ve invested so much of your life on this guy, what exactly do you mean? You’ve only been with him a year or so. Are you saying that you feel regret for divorcing your husband because you fell in love with this new man? And now that your new boyfriend is not following through you’re feeling even more regret?

So let’s first put your mind at ease. Obviously something wasn’t working with your marriage long before this guy entered your life, or you wouldn’t have been “open” to meeting someone new. And although we believe it’s best to figure out whether or a relationship is working or not working before getting involved with someone new, we also understand that life is messy, and sometimes things happen.

Obviously this guy is conflicted about what he wants to do. From our perspective it seems while the two of you were both still married he was content to have an affair with you because that’s all it was. But now that you’re single and available, and wanting him to commit, he doesn’t seem ready to make any sort of decision about leaving his marriage. Citing “religious reasons” is just an excuse. And the fact that he says he would understand if you walked away makes us wonder why he’s not willing to do whatever it takes to make this work?

Leaving a marriage is a big deal. It’s a complete upheaval of everything a person knows. It’s scary and uncertain, and frankly, not everyone is up for the task, even if they are unhappy. This man may not be strong enough to do this, at least in the timeframe that you would like.

We think your instincts are right. If he was serious about you he wouldn’t be keeping the relationship a secret. And he wouldn’t keep making excuses. You need to have a very direct discussion with him about what you need from the relationship. If he’s not willing or able to give you those things you might need to make some tough decisions. But please don’t fret over what you’ve invested in this. The time and energy you’ve given to this relationship is all part of the learning process. And you seem like a strong enough person that you’ll be able to move forward if for some reason this does not work out the way you hope.

Relationships are a two way street. They constantly need feeding and nurturing in order for them to flourish. Both people need to be invested. If your man is not willing to give to this relationship now, it’s unlikely he’ll ever be able to. But you’re going to have to figure that one out yourself by talking with him. And be completely honest.

Please keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And feel free to ask any follow up questions.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Paypal button) It’s the holidays you know! Thanks.

Divorced woman w/ children dating bachelors in their 40s

One of the Guys — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 19:01:41 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Guys,

I’m 41 and have been divorced a year . I have two girls ages 7 & 5. Following my divorce I had a relationship with a man who was 43 and never married. That relationship lasted 10 months.

When we broke up my next “fix up” from friends was basically the same guy only he was 40. The first relationship was actually a relationship, but it was obvious he wouldn’t get too close. He lived an hour away so we only saw each other abaout 1-2x a week. The second one lives in my town and has evolved into a “friends with benefits” relationship.

Do all men in their 40s who have never been married have similar relationship issues? Should I simply run from them all? It just seems that is a sign that they aren’t cut out for relationships.

Camille

Dear Camille,

Thanks for your question.

These two guys you’re describing—two guys in their 40s who have never been married—probably behaved exactly the same way when they were in their 20s. Meaning if you had met these two guys twenty years ago you may have had a very similar experience with both of them. And back then, the experience might have even been more frustrating because you would have wondered why they were having commitment issues, and then you’d likely start to question what was wrong with you.

What we’re saying is there are just as many guys in their 20s who are not looking for a committed relationship than in their 40s. But when those particular guys are in their 20s they are mixed in with all the other single guys, so they tend to blend in. By the time the 40 year mark comes around, many guys are married or in long term relationships, which leaves the perpetual single guys to stand out more.

We will admit that this particular demographic is less likely to be looking for a long term relationship, or marriage. But we wouldn’t necessarily characterize them as having “relationship issues.”

What are the reasons a guy might still be single in his 40s?

1. He wants to be single.

2. He is emotionally unavailable. Translation: Self-centered.

3. He doesn’t want the burden of kids. Or family.

4. He is constantly looking for a younger, better looking woman.

5. The opposite gender does not find him attractive. (Could mean physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually)

6. He is very shy.

7. Just hasn’t met the one yet. But wants to.

8. His very serious long term relationship didn’t work out. (The woman had commitment “issues.” Or was emotionally unavailable.)

9. Divorced.

10. Widower

And if each of these groups represents a percentage of the whole, it’s obvious which guys will be interested in a serious relationship and which won’t. And, if our calculations are correct—hold on we’re getting our calculator out…just a moment—that means that around 50% of guys in their 40s would be good possibilities for you to date. (You might need to expand your dating circle a bit.)

Our advice: When you meet someone new take it slow. Talk to them as much as possible and see where their head’s at. Relationships tend to progress faster when people are a little older, so you need to be aware of this and consciously slow things down.

We hope this helps.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section. And we’ll respond here. Also feel free to ask us any specific questions as they arise.

THE GUYS

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I like a gay guy; what do I do?

One of the Guys — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 22:16:31 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Hi Guys,

I’m a freshman girl in college. I’ve never had a boyfriend and never dated anyone. I think the reason I’m still single is because I’m kind of shy and quiet and I rarely hang out with guys. However, I’m very involved on campus.

A couple of months ago I became friends with a cute and smart guy in the same student organization and he was very open about his sexual orientation. He is the perfect friend that anyone can have. He’s funny, charming, smart, and I can hang out with him and even talk about boys!

At first, we were good friends and hung out a lot, but lately I’ve been feeling uncomfortable and a bit jealous when he talks about another guy. He’s very popular so he probably considers me no more special than any other friend. I’m usually the one to invite him out and rarely the other way around. I miss him when I can’t see him for a day. I think about him all the time. I eventually realize that I like him more than a friend. I also notice that sometimes I try to look attractive around him or try to keep him entertained. I know it’ll always be platonic but I really don’t know what I should do.

Can you please help me?

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question.

Well this is exciting for you. No, not the fact that you like someone who is unavailable to you, but the fact that you’ve entered into a new realm. You’re having an awakening, which comes with a myriad of new emotions and feelings, some wonderful and some confusing.

You said yourself, you’ve never had a boyfriend or dated anyone, but in a way this guy is your first, because he’s inadvertently helped you come out of your shell. Without knowing it, he’s opened you up to a new world of queasy stomachs, butterflies and crushes.

We suggest you focus less on your feelings for him—he’s not going to change his sexual orientation—and start being open to meeting other interesting and smart guys, for which there are plenty.

Try to enjoy the friendship with this guy without trying to get him to notice you in other ways. And since he is so popular and knows so many people, maybe he’ll be the one to introduce you to someone else who you find just as exciting and cool. Keep doing what you’re doing. Say yes to invitations, join other organizations, and keep yourself open to new possibilities. This is all good.

Please leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section. And keep us posted. We’d love to hear how things are going with you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

He’s at a different college and in a fraternity; but does my ex still love me?

One of the Guys — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 15:54:27 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Office relationship problem

Hello Guys,

A few years ago, this guy and I started dating. The relationship was great. We never argued or fought; we just got along great together. We were very affectionate, caring, and had fun together. We loved each other a lot, but we broke up when he decided to move out of state to live with his other parent. I didn’t want to have a long distance relationship and neither did he.

He ended up moving back and after a few months I decided to give him another shot even though I was still hurting. But I ended it after a while because it just wasn’t the same and I was still hurting.

Now, we have been talking again for a couple months and he came and spent Thanksgiving with my family. We stayed the night together and some things happened physically but not sex. It was really nice. But over the course of these months that we’ve been talking he hooked up with one girl and kissed another. He blames it on being in a fraternity. Is he just playing with my emotions or does he really care?

Because of us living in different cities we do not want a relationship. But it is possible that I might be able to transfer to the same college. Which he even said he wished I went there so that we could hang out more. He has quite a few friends that are girls and I’m worried that he has been lying to me about not doing anything with them.

My family loves him and was glad to hear that he was coming to spend the week of Thanksgiving with me. He was always playing with my hair, holding my hand, kissing my forehead, rubbing my shoulders and feet. Every night we would fall asleep in each other’s arms. Is he just doing all this for the physical stuff or does he care or love me still? Please help me to understand what is going on because I don’t want him to hurt me again. I feel like I know him but I’m not so sure.

Thanks,

Miranda

Dear Miranda,

Thanks for your question.

It seems as if he still has feelings for you. But guys are all over the place at that age. We’re assuming you’re both around 19 or 20 and in college, which means he’s surrounded by temptation everywhere he goes. It takes a strong and very focused “boy” to be able to commit to a long distance relationship while living in the type of environment he’s living in. (We know that wasn’t specifically your question, but we’re getting there.)

The singular goal of most fraternities is to get as many girls coming through the door as they can. Which makes the temptation element even more heightened. We’re not saying this an excuse for a guy in a committed relationship to cheat. It’s absolutely not. But it certainly gives fraternity guys incentive to NOT be in a committed relationship.

As far as you transferring schools. We don’t recommend transferring because of this guy. If you truly think the school is a better match for your academic pursuits then by all means transfer. But if you’re changing schools because of this guy we don’t think that’s the greatest idea. Why? Because it means you’re the one putting the effort into trying to make this relationship work. He gets to stay at his college, be a fraternity boy, and have you come to “hang out.” And even if you do transfer there are no guarantees of anything working out. But of course, you have to make your own decision on that.

But having said that, we do think there is hope for this relationship. You’ve been close for a long time, and it’s obvious you care about one another. Even after you’ve broken up you’ve stayed in touch in one way or another. So we think this is a timing issue. Right now you’re both in college, exploring new opportunities and new experiences, as you should be. We think if you stay in touch, see each other when you can, maybe in a few years the two of you will reunite. We’ve seen this happen many times before.

However, we’re not saying you should pining away for him. In order for any type of reunion to happen—getting back together—you need to be open to meeting new people. You need to be out there dating and enjoying the single life. You need to be open to meeting someone else new. And who knows, maybe you’ll be surprised and meet someone else who is amazing?

But either way, if you’re not out doing these things, and he is, you’ll only feel resentful if the two of you do decide to give your relationship another shot.

We hope this gives you some insight into what’s going on. Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. Or a follow up question if you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My slip keeps showing; Is this causing an office relationship problem?

One of the Guys — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:13:30 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Guys,

I have been working as secretary to the managing director of a small firm in the UK for six weeks. I always wear a half slip under my dress for comfort and modesty but I have become aware of him watching me when reaching up to the top of high cabinets or when bending over low office furniture. Both of these moves cause my slip to show below my dress, although it does not normally show at other times.

Friday last week I made a bad choice of slip and was told once or twice by other girls as I walked round the office my slip was showing. Friday during lunchtime I took some paperwork to my bosses desk for a signature and after looking me up down he asked if I would join him for lunch. I accepted but was not completely comfortable with the arrangement. Lunch went well and he said that I had settled into the job well and enjoyed me being around. Walking back to his car from the restaurant he whispered to me that my slip was showing again. I felt embarrassed and said I was sorry but had put the wrong slip on in the morning. He said I shouldn’t worry; he said my slips are always very pretty and make me look very feminine.

Now I have never come up against this before. A friend has told me that some men do have a thing about ladies slips. My slips are very ordinary and are either white or cream for work. I try to look smart.

So from a guy’s point of view how do I stop this situation from developing further?

Regards. I’m worried.

Tina

Dear Tina,

Thanks for your question.

We’ve seen this situation before. You’re a woman trying to be a hard working, responsible employee and your male colleague—or in your case, your male boss—starts giving you looks, and then starts hitting on you. We acknowledge the difficulty here, and the frustration. The woman—you—says to herself: Why can’t guys treat me with more respect? Why do they keep objectifying me? Why can’t they just leave me alone and let me do my job? Why do I have to change MY behavior to get men to stop leering at me?

And you’d be right on all acounts. Even guys who try to be respectful are still guys. They might not be as obvious, but believe us the “good guys” are looking at you too. Guys are just wired to notice. And guys are wired to pursue.

Here’s the good news and the bad news: This has less to do with your slip and more to do with the fact that your boss finds you attractive in general. The “slip issue” might be adding fuel to the fire, but even if you were wearing something more demure, eventually he’d be asking you to lunch, and more. And of course this puts you in the uncomfortable position of either agreeing to his advances or possibly jeopardizing your job security by declining his invitations. (Hopefully it won’t ever get to that point.)

So what do we suggest?

We realize that you probably can’t change your wardrobe completely. The boss might take notice and wonder why you’re all of sudden sporting a new look—he would already know the answer but pretend he didn’t—which might cause some awkward tension between the two of you. But you might need to make a few adjustments and mix in some even more modest clothes to send a message that you are there to do work. (We know you already are, but guys are very literal when it comes to these issues.)

We’re not women’s designers, but isn’t there some sort of slip that you could wear that wouldn’t show when you reach up to those high shelves or low cabinets? We’d recommend looking into that. And then maybe try some stylish pantsuits? Or longer dresses? Less revealing tops, dresses? (Once again we can see how annoying this might be to have to spend more money on clothes.)

Also, you might want to make it clear you have a boyfriend. Maybe put a picture on your desk of the two of you? Something subtle but clear. If you don’t have one, get one of your good looking guy friends to pose with you. And then look for ways to tell everyone of your plans for weekends without making it obvious you’re addressing your boss. (Guys always know when a woman drops “her boyfriend” into a conversation, even if they know this guy could be made up. And some guys take offense if they think you are speaking to them directly, so make sure he’s not the only one in the audience.)

We also had another thought about this. We saw an episode of Californication where one of the female characters—who happens to be a Hollywood Actress in the episode—says, “The key to getting work in this town is to make all the male directors and producers think they have a chance to sleep with you, even if they don’t.” This is so true in that context, but a VERY difficult line to walk. We’re not sure how it applies to you, but it seems there’s always a bit of flirting going on even amongst colleagues who are in committed relationships. You are probably much more savvy when it comes to this than we are, but we can see you’re going to have to figure out how to walk this delicate line.

In conclusion, you need to do what’s comfortable for you. If the situation becomes unbearable, you could always approach senior management and see if they can help you resolve the issue. (Although in a small firm, there often is no upper management.) Or you could leave the job, which we don’t recommend, unless you leave with some sort of compensation. (Big compensation)

Hopefully this gives you a few perspectives to consider moving forward.

Unless something major has transpired since you wrote to us, we don’t see this situation as something that can’t be nipped before it goes any further.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section. And/or a question. And we’ll respond here as well.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Is this an Online Romance or an Online Booty Call?

One of the Guys — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 22:51:20 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Hi Guys,

So here’s the story. I met a guy online about a month and a half ago. We get along great and there is chemistry =) that I will not deny. But I have two problems:

1. Sometimes I feel like this guy is only in it for the sex. And by sex I don’t mean, I’m having cybersex with him. We talk on voice, and he masturbates while we do, and he isn’t afraid to show it either. He has been doing this since day one. He hasn’t asked me to do it and says he will never ask me for sexual favors over the internet. When I confront him, and say that this is all about sex for him, he gets angry over the fact that I doubt his intentions and he says that he feels sexually about me, only because he has feelings for me and cares about me. (I’m not sure if that makes any sense). Some of my guy friends have said that this guy could just be a very sexual person, others say that he’s definitely just killing time, cause if a guy truly liked a grl, he wouldnt be doing things like this.

2. My second problem is that this guy tends to vanish for days and sometimes 1-2 weeks without a word. I leave him an offline every 4-5 days and he doesn’t reply. And just when I’ve let go of hope that he’s coming back, he shows up again!! When I ask him, he tells me he’s been busy with work and doesn’t find time to come online and that he’s really, really sorry. Okay, maybe I should cut him some slack and assume he really is busy with work… but how hard is it to leave me an offline every couple of days? Or is that asking for too much? By the way, the longest he’s disappeared for has been 2 weeks straight.

Other random facts about this mess of a relationship: He talks about the future a lot. I’ve been told that’s a good thing. He has even brought up marriage. And he often says “when we’re married…..etc.” We live really far apart from each other, and that’s why this is so complicated for me, because it’s hard for me to know if he’s for real or not, cause I haven’t met him in person yet.

All I want to know is: Am I wasting my time on something that’s not worth it? And please ignore the pessimism in my message, I’m trying not to let it ruin the guy’s image, but truth be told I’m probably one of the most cynical people, when it comes to love and romance.

Thanks for taking the time to read and answer this. I appreciate it!

Jenna,

Dear Jenna,

Thanks for your question.

It’s hard for you to know what this guy’s true intentions are until you actually spend time together, face-to-face. But right now it’s all just “talk” on his part. Honestly Jenna, we don’t love what we see here. You’ve known this guy for 6 weeks and he masturbates during your conversations, and has since day one? And then he says he’s not just interested in sex? Who is this guy?

We typically don’t tell people what to do, but we’re going to have to say a big NO for this situation. This is not the kind of guy you want to get involved with. If he truly liked you, he’d want to get to know you; which means he’d be trying to figure out how to get together with you in person so he could learn more about who you truly are, rather than some fantasy talk about getting married down the road. This is the kind of situation that worries us about online dating in general, and raises many red flags.

Jenna, we don’t think you’re really okay with what’s going on here, or that this is the kind of relationship you truly want. We don’t get that sense from you.

Sure, guys love sex. (And it’s a good thing if a guy really wants to have sex with you.) But the fact that this guy unabashedly masturbates to your voice tells us he’s not interested in having sex with you specifically. If that were the case, once again, he’d be trying to figure out how to see you in person. (Actions speak much louder than words.) No, this guy is solely interested in the masturbation aspect of this. We wouldn’t be surprised if he’s doing this with other people too, especially since he disappears for days at a time. Sorry, we don’t mean to bum you out, but we can’t get on board with this at all.

Here’s our cynical side: We doubt he’s representing himself accurately. He could be anyone or anybody. And nobody we’d trust. We don’t see a future here with this man.

Here’s our positive side: We know there are a lot of great guys out there for you to meet. Don’t settle for this guy. You deserve to have someone who loves and respects you. Great sex will be part of that when it happens.

Good luck. We’re pulling for you, and only are being tough out of concern for you.

Please feel free to leave us a follow up comment and/or question. (Here in the comments section. We will respond here.)

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Does this older guy like me?

One of the Guys — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:09:22 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Dear Guys,

Ok, so I’m 15 year old and I like this guy that just graduated from my highschool. He is a freshman in college now. We both are interested in volleyball and I guess whenever he isn’t in school, at work, or doing volleyball, he comes to help out our varsity team. I see him like 2-3 times a week. I can sort of tell he is into me but I’m not sure. He helps me out a lot when I’m stuck on something and is very supportive. (More supportive than he is to the other girls)

For example: We recently had a home game and it was an important one, too. It was towards the end of the game and the coach called a timeout. And during the timeout this guy got me a cup of water and said, “You’re tired but don’t worry about that. Just push through it.” But I didn’t really catch on to what he did until after the game and then that’s when it hit me. LOL!

He smiles or laughs sometimes whenever I trip or make a corny joke. Or he just says “stop” but in a jokingly way. He watches me a lot too and tells me what I’m doing wrong so I can fix it.

Should I try talking to him? Because everytime we DO talk it’s abut volleyball. But I also don’t want to distract him from his college stuff. UGHHH! I don’t know if he is just being friendly or what, but I need to have something to go off of here!

Sooo, does he like me?

Tay

Dear Tay,

Thanks for your question.

So being 15 years old makes you either a freshman or sophomore in high school, right? And this guy is a freshman in college so he’s likely 18 going on 19, right? We’re just trying to get the facts straight. Because in addition to your question, we also feel we need to address the age disparity.

From what you describe we would say that yes, he likes you, or at least that he’s attracted to you. But he’s in a funny position. Not only is he the “assistant coach” to your volleyball team, but he’s an older, and legal guy, who’s possibly interested in a younger girl, who’s underage. We’re not saying you should feel weird about this, or that he’s creepy. In a few years, a three to four year age difference won’t even be a consideration. But right now it’s kind of a big deal, and honestly there’s no way he can really pursue you beyond a friendship. And he shouldn’t really.

Have you watched our video on dating older guys? It’s a little snarky but it’s all true. You should check it out. And have your friends check it out as well.

We also don’t think it’s a good idea for you to pursue him at this point. We think you should just keep doing what you’re doing. Be friendly, or be friends with him. Enjoy each other’s company when you see him and maybe keep the lines of communication open with him. If he’s still in the picture in a few years(when you’re 18 or so), maybe you can explore something then. Relationships are as much about love and attraction as they are about timing. The timing isn’t quite right here Tay.

We hope this wasn’t too discouraging for you. We try to be as positive and supportive as we can, but it’s even more important for us to be honest and straightforward.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Divorced and now online Dating: Am I booty call or more?

One of the Guys — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:46:05 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Hi Guys,

I’m in the middle of a divorce after 16 years of marriage. It’s been months since I’ve been with anyone. I decided to check out a dating website. I met this very nice looking man. (We are both in our mid 40′s.) It started with small talk and then we decided to meet up for dinner and talk. (It was strange for me.)

Turns out he’s been divorced for 7 years. We both have children and have busy work schedules but, we managed to meet each other and things went well. We said our goodbyes and a few days later we met again, just for a few hours. He came to my place and met my children and we talk and kissed some and that’s as far as it went.

He left town for a couple of days after that but we stayed in contact and he said he wanted to meet up when he got back. And of course, that’s what we did. So for the third date he ended up coming to my place and we had the place to ourselves. We ended up having sex, which by the way he said was nice and thanked me for it? I’ve never had a man tell me that before. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing?

Don’t know what to think or do?

Becky

Dear Becky,

Thanks for your question.

Jumping back into the dating scene after being married for a long time can be confusing on many levels, and maybe even a bit surreal at times. Sometimes the confusion stems from not being clear what the plan is. So what is your plan Becky? What do you actually want from a relationship? We’re not saying that you should know exactly what you want before you begin to date again, we’re just saying that once you figure it out, certain questions will be cleared up.

For example: If you’re just out to have a good time with no strings attached, it wouldn’t matter to you if not everything was clear between you and this guy. Meaning, you’d evaluate the facts only: you had a good time with this man. And you wouldn’t be wondering what he means by thanking you for sex. (Yes, that is a bit “different” but it’s not a bad thing. When is a Thank You a bad thing when the person actually means well?)

But if we really want to get into the nitty gritty of nuance we’d say that his “Thank You” seemed an appropriate thing to say since you did something very intimate together but he doesn’t really know you that well. It’s a response from someone who is trying to acknowledge the disparity between your “interaction” and your relative lack of interactions. Make sense? We think it shows a sense of awareness and caring not often displayed by guys. But it doesn’t mean anything other than that. He’s not necessarily saying he wants to have a relationship, nor is he saying he doesn’t want to see you again. The two of you would actually have to have a discussion about those topics. (If you wanted to that is.)

Our advice to you is figure out what you want out of dating right now. (This will likely change.) Once you figure out what you’re looking for, find someone who wants the same thing. (It could even be this guy?)

But for now, it seems like you’re having a good time. Enjoy it.

Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. (In the comments section here.)

THE GUYS

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I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth

One of the Guys — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:57:50 +0000

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Hey Guys,

I’ve been a habitual cheater since my first relationship two years ago. At the end of my last relationship—long distance— I went to parties and started hooking up with random guys. I felt terrible about it and admitted it to my boyfriend and it crushed him. I lost his trust and although he wanted to forgive me and keep going, I felt that our relationship would never be the same. So I ended it.

Not a single day goes by where I don’t think about him and what I did to him. The guilt never seems to fade.

The thing is, now I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a new guy for about 3 months now and I’ve also cheated on him. We jumped into the relationship about two weeks after we met at a party and I felt confident that I wouldn’t cheat on him because I felt so strongly about him. Yet I did. But that was about a month and half ago and I never told him about it and haven’t done it again because when I was in the moment of cheating I had an epiphany that I love my boyfriend and I don’t want anyone else. We’re so compatible and he tells me he loves me and that I’m the one. He is also the one for me. But when I talk to him, sometimes the guilt creeps up again and I have a conflicted urge to just tell him.

He says nothing I say or do could make him fall out of love with me, but this would break his heart and I’d lose his trust being so far away.

I’m afraid this feeling will always be lingering in the back of my mind. I plan on staying with him for a very long time. Should I tell him or keep it a secret?

Thank you in advance.

Meghan

Dear Meghan,

Thanks for your question.

Have you ever read the book, “Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky? Somehow your conundrum, and your feelings of guilt, remind us of the internal struggle of Raskolnikov, the main character in the book. No, you haven’t actually committed a crime, but clearly you have feelings of remorse for cheating that you’re trying to come to terms with.

Here is the true dilemma: If you stay with your new boyfriend and actually remain faithful from here on out, can you live with the knowledge that you were once unfaithful to him, even if he never finds out?

In a perfect world there would be no secrets between lovers, partners, and spouses. We’d all be open minded and accepting of each other’s imperfections and mistakes. We’d love each other just as we love our kids: unconditionally.

But alas, there is no perfect world, and our love typically bears the weight of many conditions—loyalty is one of them. You’re right when you suspect your boyfriend would no longer trust you if you told him of your indiscretions. Once trust is lost in a relationship it’s very difficult to get back. And it takes strength and courage from the person who was cheated on to forgive and try to move on. (Of course, remember that your last boyfriend seemed willing to give you a second chance after you told him you cheated on him.)

What we’re wondering is why? Why Meghan are you feeling the need to cheat? This question seems even more important than whether or not to tell your boyfriend you cheated. What is going on internally for you that you’re seeking attention and validation from other men? We’re not therapists. We’re not doctors. But we do think that question might be worth exploring with a professional. Because once you get to the root of the problem you might get clarity on your basic question: Should I tell my boyfriend I cheated?

Unfortunately Meghan there isn’t one right answer here. Everyone is different. Some guys would say they would want to know if they were cheated on by their girlfriend. Other guys would say that as long as their girlfriend is no longer cheating they would rather not know.

Our advice: Take a harder look at why you’re behaving the way you’re behaving. We just get this sense from you that you’re uncertain about whether or not you can stop this behavior. And maybe your uncertainty is what’s causing you to feel so guilty about this. Maybe if you trusted yourself and knew that it would never happen again you could move forward in this relationship and chalk up your cheating up to a really bad mistake that you’ll never repeat.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section, and we’ll reply to you here as well.

Good luck. We’re pulling for you no matter what you decide to do.

THE GUYS

ps. We’d love to hear from some of our readers as well. What are your opinions? Meghan would probably appreciate more viewpoints on this.

Long Distance: I hardly know him, but I’m willing to give it a go

One of the Guys — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 11:51:02 +0000

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

________________________

Hi Guys,

About five months ago I met a guy and we ended our night together. It was supposed to be a one night stand because we live in different countries and he was in my town only for one night. But before he left he asked for my e-mail.

We started writing e-mails which got longer every time. For example he sent me a letter one week; I replied to him the next week and he replied the week after and so on.

I tried to keep my feet on the ground and stay realistic because I thought we wouldn’t see each other, but then he said he would love to meet me again.

Finally, two months later he said that he might come to my town for a day or two. At the same time I kind of won a free ticket to his town. So I went there instead.

While I was there, he was so caring and sweet with me. When we were walking around in the city, he held my hand, hugged me in the metro, kissed while we were waiting for the traffic lights to turn green etc. Of course we had sex, too. All this time I felt how much he cared about me.

I stayed there for three days. Some hours before my departure I started to cry several times. I know, so silly of me, but I couldn’t do anything about it. He understood why I was crying and handled the situation well. I said “I’m sorry” and he said there’s no need for me to apologize for that.

When I was back in my town, I sent him an e-mail and said that I enjoyed the weekend a lot and he said he enjoyed it a lot too. After that I didn’t hear from him for a week. Meanwhile I moved to another country because of foreign studies.

I was so surprised that he didn’t wish me a nice trip or even ask how I was doing. And I wrote him an e-mail and said that everything was so nice while I was in his town and I asked him why he hardly contacts me. I wondered out loud if I got the wrong impression from him. He replied immediately and said that I didn’t get the wrong impression and that he likes me a lot, but he’s been very busy at school.

We still send e-mails to each other but he doesn’t say sweet things to me anymore. He’s just friendly and nice, but that’s all.

I don’t want to ask him what he thinks about me and the situation because right now there’s not much potential for a relationship. First off, it would definitely be a long-distance relationship. Second of all, we have only seen each other twice. (The first evening and then our weekend). And third, at the moment we haven’t seen each other for two months and won’t be able to meet again before three months. And I don’t know if he still wants to meet me then.

I know that you know only my version of this story—I tried to put in as little emotions as possible in order to give a good overview of the situation–but I want to meet him again. I would expect him to come to visit me this time, but if he asked me to go and visit him, I would also go.

But I can’t invite myself to his place. Besides I think that if a man really likes a woman, then he should do everything possible to see her. What should I do? Wait for him to visit me or ask me to visit him? Or bring up the subject myself?

I understand perfectly that it wouldn’t be normal to have a relationship, especially a long-distance relationship when we hardly know each other. But I would be ready to give it a try.

I also know that you can’t answer this question, but what do you think, does he want to be just friends with me or something more?

Thanks!

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Thanks for your question.

We understand what you’re asking, but it’s hard to know exactly what this guy is thinking. But we can talk about your situation in the context of long distance relationships in general.

A long distance relationship requires even more effort and more communication than a typical relationship where two people live in the same town or city. Both people need to be 100% on board or they just don’t work.

Your guy seems genuine enough. From what you describe he’s been pretty sweet to you overall. But it also sounds like he’s busy, and either can’t think about much else besides school, or doesn’t want to get involved in a relationship that he doesn’t see as having a future. A long distance relationship is supposed to be a atemporary arrangement as the two people work toward being together in the same location at some point down the road—sooner rather than later. If both parties don’t have that goal in mind then eventually the relationship will fizzle out.

For some guys, a long distance relationship is the perfect situation, especially if they can work it so they don’t have to communicate that often. For these guys a long distance relationship means getting to do what they want most of the time, and then having a woman visit for a “booty call.”

You say you don’t want to say anything to this guy, but you’re probably going to have to at some point if you want answers. We agree that if you tell him how you feel it could end the relationship. But by the same token, is that worse or better than being in the situation you’re in right now? Your gut is telling you something has changed. You’re worried that he really only sees you as a friend now. So instead of fretting about this, and living in a cloud of uncertainty, why don’t you just talk to him?

We agree that he should be the one taking the initiative. He should be the one suggesting visits and coming to see you. Sure, he might be open to having you come to see him, but that doesn’t mean he wants to be in a serious relationship with you. You need to find out from him what he wants. You need to hear him say whether or not he wants to give this a go.

We feel the same way you do about relationships. It’s hard to find someone special. And since you feel like you have, we understand why you want to explore it further. We wish you the best of luck. Please keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Why did we really break up?

One of the Guys — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 23:28:28 +0000

Dear Readers,

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THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Guys,

I started dating a guy that was on the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend of two years. He finally broke it off. It was strictly his choice and I asked him not to do it on my behalf. We dated for about 5 months after that and had plans to move in together & eventually move out of state together. Until one day he just told me he wasn’t sure if this was what he wanted. He said he needed to change/find himself & couldn’t do that while in a relationship. In that same breath he stated that the way we hooked up was all wrong.

He still has feelings for his ex but not enough to be with her. His ex is doing well financially. He lost his car and other things after their breakup which leads me to believe that he’s tired of struggling and might benefit more from being with her, even though he said their relationship was beyond repair. I even encouraged him to try to work it out with her before it ended.

He is a very attractive man and gets lots of attention from women. I believe he does not trust himself to be faithful and he does not want to hurt me because he cares about me. I am so confused and have so many unanswered questions as to why he really broke up with me. I blame myself for some of it because I don’t think I satisfied him fully sexually because of my own insecurities. My heart is so sad because I had so much hope for the relationship and he’s a wonderful guy that seems to be fighting some sort of demons.

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so sad about this.

We see this as a timing issue more than anything else. Even though you were generous with your support for him and said all the “right” things to him, he was still coming out of a long and serious relationship. Jumping into a new relationship right away is never a good idea. Regardless of what he said, he needed much more time to process and heal. (So we can see why he still has feelings for his ex. This is totally natural and will continue for some time.)

You seem to be a very caring person who wants to do the right thing. But you’re also too hard on yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Yes, it’s sad, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It’s more than likely he’s still in comparison mode, which means his breakup is too fresh for anyone new to stand up to the test.

Also, sometimes the sex IS amazing when you are with someone new. But sometimes it takes time to for people to get to know one another before the sex gets to that “blow your mind” place. Different people have different timelines for how and when they want to open up. The best sex is sex that is open and uninhibited, where both partners are willing to give themselves over, and do what they can to satisfy their partner. (Both have to feel safe and comfortable of course.) It seems natural to us that you wouldn’t feel completely comfortable giving yourself over to this guy if you weren’t really sure where he stood with you and the relationship. That’s asking a lot of yourself. It’s hard to give when you’re feeling uncertain and vulnerable.

Kelli, try to process what you learned from this relationship and then try to apply the new insights as you move forward into new relationships. And be kind to yourself. You’ll know when you meet the right person because he’ll be someone you can be yourself with. This guy was not him.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

One of the Guys — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 15:54:31 +0000

Dear Readers,

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Some recent questions:

Hey Guys,

So there’s this guy that I’ve known since 3rd grade and we’ve always been really close. He wanted to date me our freshman year in high school but got too scared that it would ruin our friendship and never asked me out. (He still doesn’t know to this day that I know about this.)

I left after sophomore year when we were 16/17 to move to Boston to become a dancer and now I live in NYC. This past summer I came home. It was three years since I last saw him. (We’re now both 20.) When I saw him this summer we caught up hung out a couple times and we ended up sleeping together. I left to come back to NYC in september and we’ve been texting ever since.

Now he’s coming to visit. I’m really nervous and I’m wondering if he’s just coming to the city to see the sites and get laid. Or is he actually coming also to see me? I’m from AZ and he still lives there now so it cost a lot for him to buy a plane ticket to come up here. (He even had to borrow money from his dad.)

Does he actually like me and want to see me or is he just excited to come to the city and possibly getting laid is the icing on the cake? To me, spending all that money and getting off work and stuff says something. But maybe I’m just being a hopeful girl. Also could it turn into something more? I know long distance relationships are hard, but would a guy really be willing to do that? I’m so nervous and confused right now. Please help!

Brittany

Dear Brittany,

Thanks for your question. We can see that you’re nervous. That’s pretty normal. You like this guy and would like to see if things can progress beyond a physical relationship. And of course you hope he feels the same way.

It’s hard to say exactly what his motivation for visiting you is. Sex will absolutely be part of his expectation for the trip. His drive to have sex is so intertwined with his excitement to come see you that he’s probably having difficulty separating the two himself. In fact it’s likely he doesn’t even know exactly what’s driving him, and he won’t know until after the two of you have been intimate. (If that’s what you decide to do, which is up to you of course.)

Assuming you decide to sleep with him, pay careful attention to how he acts right AFTER you have sex—especially the first time. And by “right after” we mean, RIGHT AFTER and for the next 8 hrs. (Meaning, until his libido kicks back in. It’s different for every guy.) If he’s distant, or acts differently, you’ll know he’s probably driven mainly by his interest in sex. If he still is happy to be with you, and wants to go out on the town with you, hold your hand, and spend time with you beyond the confines of your bedroom then you’ll know he’s got more on his mind than getting in your pants.

These next four paragraphs are just general information about guys Brittany. They are for your information and for all of the other women who might be reading this.

Some women believe that making a guy wait for sex is the way you get them to commit. And this may be true for the short term. If a guy wants to have sex with a woman he will do whatever it takes to make it happen, which means acting sweet, giving her presents, and doing all the things that his woman might like him to do. But a guy is still waiting to make his final evaluation until after he has sex with a woman. Meaning, the way he acts BEFORE sex does not determine how he’ll be AFTER sex. For a guy, sex is often needed for him to make a conscious decision about moving forward or not.

But this is tricky. You also can’t secure a guy’s love through sex. So sleeping with a guy to get him to love you or commit to you, will also not work. And in many cases it will push him away. It’s a fine and mysterious balance. We don’t have all the answers.

Finally, wanting sex all the time is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, having a healthy sex life with your partner is a very important piece of an overall healthy relationship. But both parties need to be giving in the bedroom as well. If your guy is not giving in the bedroom this will be a strong indicator of how he is in everyday life.

Bottom line: You have to do what’s comfortable for you. Every relationship is different. But you should never be pressured into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Go with your gut.

Enough on that topic. Moving on.

Yes, guys are willing to try a long distance relationship Brittany. You’ve probably heard that guys are incapable of being faithful in this type of relationship but that’s a crock of crap. It’s just an excuse for guys to be selfish and do whatever they please. Many guys are loyal and faithful. So don’t let that stop you if you believe you and this guy have a chance for something more.

Our advice: Take it slow. Keep your eyes open. Trust your gut. Introduce him to your friends. Listen to your friends’ opinions. And talk to him. Sure we know most people don’t want to show their hand, but in order for a long distance relationship to have any chance at all, it requires a ton of communication from both parties. And when you’re apart, texting is okay, but phone conversations or Skype are best.

Feel free to give us an update and ask us a follow up question. Leave your question in the comments section of this post.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

I suggested Friends with Benefits (FWB): Did I just dig myself into a hole?

One of the Guys — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:02:33 +0000

Dear Readers,

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THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

Dear Guys,

So after 10 years of crushing hard on my best friend’s brother I finally got my chance. I went and visited him and spent the night. We did “the do” and I went home the next day.

Neither one of us want a relationship but I do have some serious feelings for him. But what I wanna know is what’s going through his mind. Out in public we hang out with each other and talk, we have fun and I enjoy his company very much. But does he enjoy me being around?

When I stayed the night I turned over and faced my back to him. He scooted to me and curled up and put his arm around me. The next morning I tested the waters by scooting close to him. He moved his arm and let me in to lay on him; then put his arm around me. He took pictures of the two of us on my camera and while I was riding the bull he took pics of me on his camera.

I got “antsy” because I didn’t know where I stood with him so I tested the waters yet again and offered a “Friends with Benefits” situation. He said, “Yeah, for sure.”

Now is this like a situation where he’s thinking about only getting laid, or is there something there and this is a way for us to be around each other minus the commitment?

Curiously Screwed

Dear “Curiously Screwed,”

Thanks for your question.

As we were reading your question we were thinking that things were going fairly well between the two of you. That is until we read your last paragraph where you offered this guy a “Friends with Benefits” situation. We think you know what we’re going to say, but here goes anyway.

A guy will almost never turn down an offer like that. Even if he actually wants something more—like a serious relationship. And that’s the biggest problem with a FWB situation. It’s so convenient and as close to risk free as you can get when it comes to sex. (Sex if never totally risk free.) So most guys will jump at the opportunity.

But the problem is you’ve leaped into a situation that won’t give you the answers you’re looking for. That’s the issue. It’s clear you have feelings for this guy beyond sex, and have so for some time. We don’t think you should deny those feelings, which you’re doing by saying you don’t want a commitment. It feels a bit like you’re trying to protect yourself. And when you suggest a “Friends with Benefits” situation, how is he going to think about anything else besides getting laid? He’s not. So yes, in this way you’ve dug yourself into a hole.

Some of this guy’s actions would suggest to us that you’re not just an average “booty call.” But we think you need to backpedal a bit and rescind your offer of FWB. And in doing so tell him how you really feel. (We don’t think you should give it all away, but at least tell him that you’d like to see if this could develop into something more. We just get the sense that that’s what you really want.) And in doing so, hopefully you’ll learn something about where his head’s at.

Is this a risk? Sure it is. But what’s the worst that can happen? Maybe he won’t be interested? But at least you’ll have some information to go forward with. And that’s better than having a nebulous affair that will only frustrate and confuse you, and eventually lead to resentment. And you can always go back to a FWB situation. Like we said, a guy will almost never turn down a ”Friends with Benefits” situation. And that also means reverting back to one. Guys will even do this with an ex-girlfriend, although we don’t recommend that for either party.

Keep us posted, and good luck.

THE GUYS

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Dating my ex’s friend: Friends with benefits

One of the Guys — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 01:31:04 +0000

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

Are we “friends with benefits” or does he want something more?

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

This is kind of a long story but I really need some guys’ opinions on this. Most women can rate their friends in their life and this boy is my 2nd best friend in the world. I would do anything for him. We knew of each other because of mutual affiliations but didn’t become friends until I started dating his friend. During the time I dated his ex we became close friends. But after being with my ex for 4 years—with all of us being part of the same circle—the break up kinda made things weird between the whole group.

Now for the hard part. This guy and I have always been very attracted to each other and are super comfortable and trusting of each other. A couple of months after my break up the sexual tension between us became overwhelming and things started happening. We would both try to stay away from each other but we attend the same university and see each other every day so that was really hard to do. I feel horrible because I don’t want to get between him and his friend (my ex) and he feels guilty about it. But whenever we see each other it’s really hard to keep things platonic. And as if that wasn’t bad enough I’m scared that these feelings are going to morph into romantic ones especially when he has started saying and doing some really sweet things. (And I really like him) And even though these thoughts don’t occur often, every so often they will pop up. He has expressed that he wants me not just because of my body but because it’s me. Things have been normal between us despite all sexual relations and none of our other friends have noticed anything yet. He is too important of a friend for me to lose. I want to stop because I don’t want to cause problems between our groups of friends but I do not want to stop at the same time.

I hate drama but “OMG” I love how this boy makes me feels and it’s getting harder to control this. And I’m also curious about how he feels about me, but I’m way too scared to ask. I don’t know what to do.

Please any kind of advice will help.

Flora

Dear Flora,

Thanks for your question.

You’d be surprised; this type of situation happens more than you might think. And it makes sense in some ways. When people spend a lot of time together intimacy happens. This intimacy can be the friend variety, it can be the romantic variety, or it can be something in between. While you were dating your ex you were also getting to know this guy and forming a strong bond with him. You can’t help it that he happened to be good looking too. So what we’re saying is, you should stop beating yourself up over this. Sure you might feel guilty, but this makes perfect sense, and we see nothing wrong in you wanting a relationship with your ex’s friend now that the two of you have broken up.

However, we’re not so sure if it makes perfect sense for your “friend.” He stands to lose more than you if the two of you are “found out.” (And we’re not so sure your friends and his friends don’t already suspect something’s going on between you. People can smell that kind of thing a mile away. No, we’re not being literal here, but we are being serious.) He will likely lose his friend (your ex) if the two of you continue to move forward. There’s a kind of an unwritten code between guys which states: Guys don’t date their best friend’s ex-girlfriends. And most of the time this isn’t difficult to abide by because most guys don’t like the idea of dating a woman their best friend has had sex with. However, like we said before, it happens more than people might think. So basically your “friend” has some serious thinking to do. He is going to have to make a choice between you or his friend (your ex), unless your ex is one of those super understanding guys. We don’t know any ourselves. (Side note: Sometimes after a very long period of time it’s okay to date a friend’s ex. This would be years though.)

Back to you.

If you are really into this guy we don’t see anything wrong with seeing where it goes. Because if you don’t, you’re always going to wonder what would or could have happened. And there’s nothing worse than regret in this life. We’re not guaranteeing it’s going to work out for you, and we’re not guaranteeing it’s not going to get messy or even ugly. But on the flipside if it does work out into a long term romantic partnership—that sounds so formal, but you know what we mean—then it will all be worth it. If it doesn’t work out, you can at least feel good that you took a chance on love.

But this all comes down to communication. You need to tell your “friend” how you feel and what you want. He’s not a mind reader. And based on what you say he very well might feel the same way about you. See what his reaction is and see what his take on the situation is. If the two of you decide to move forward with a more serious commitment you might want to think about calling your ex, or meeting with him, and explaining the new situation. (Yes, this will be hard and not necessarily pretty, but at least he’ll hear it from your mouth.) Your friend might want to do the same, although we wouldn’t want to be present for that. (Just kidding…kind of.) In general we think it’s best to be open and honest with the people in your life.

But what you shouldn’t do is continue what you’re doing now. If you’re not going to be serious about this relationship you should stop the “friends with benefits” thing immediately. In the end that’s not going to be good for anyone involved, especially you.

Good luck. Feel free to leave us a follow up comment, or ask us a follow up question. (In the comments section here)

THE GUYS

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Also:

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Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

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Relationship Advice: He won’t tell people we’re a couple

One of the Guys — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 01:45:16 +0000

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No Boundaries)

Summer fling or boyfriend?

We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

Is my boyfriend a cheater?

Dear Guys,

I have been seeing/dating/sleeping with this guy for 7 years. I have met his family and friends. He says he loves me.

My problem is, when I ask him for a title for our relationship, he doesn’t answer me. He says for me to tell people what I want, or just avoids answering. I don’t know what this means. I’m confused as to why he can’t at least say, “Tell them we are seeing each other,” or something like that. His friends, my friends, and even his family knows we are a couple. So what’s the probem??

He tells me I can see whomever I want, but if I start to see someone else in one way or another he spoils any hopes of me having a relationship with another man. I want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to shout to the world, “She is mine!!” I try to relax and enjoy us for whatever we are, but I can’t completely because I feel until he claims me OUT LOUD to everyone that we are WE, he is just using me.

What should I do?

Rose Marie

Dear Rose Marie,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, you deserve to be with someone who is proud to say, “She’s mine!”

After seven years if you’re still getting the same non-response to your inquiries then do you really see this changing? And when you couple this with his apathetic attitude about you seeing other people, it doesn’t seem to “add up” to a satisfying relationship. In fact, it’s kind of confusing to us what’s really going on between the two of you.

From what you describe he’s definitely giving you mixed messages. He says he loves you, but then he says it’s okay for you to see other people. (If a guy loves a woman there is no way he’d be okay with his woman seeing someone else. That doesn’t make sense really.) So which is it?

We can’t tell you what to do. You know what’s best for you. But if you really want this situation to change you need to get him talking more. If he won’t discuss this very important issue—one that’s really bothering you—then he isn’t going to be the kind of guy who’s willing to discuss other important issues that arise down the road. A committed relationship is all about solid and open communication. Otherwise prepare for a lifetime of frustration.

Last thing. You seem kind of open to seeing other guys. It seems you’re more focused on being in a committed relationship with a man, rather than this particular man. Maybe this warrants some thought? Meaning, if you’re only not seeing other guys because “this guy” derails every opportunity that comes up, then maybe your heart is wandering for a reason?

Hope this gives you some things to think about. Leave us a follow up question or comment.

Good luck. We hope this works out for you, one way or another.

THE GUYS

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We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

One of the Guys — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:36:17 +0000

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No Boundaries)

Summer fling or boyfriend?

Dear Guys,

So, there’s this guy. We’ve known eachother since we were ten (we’re seventeen now), and have been more or less friends since we met. Our families are good friends, so we see each other a lot. I’m close friends with his siblings (older and younger) as well as him.

Anyways, three or so years ago everyone was talking about how he really liked me, and he actually did since he told people. I had had a “crush” on him before, but nothing had ever come of it since I had a boyfriend at the time. People eventually stopped talking about it. After my boyfriend and I broke up last summer though, he started always being around. He would always make a point to come over and talk to me; he emailed me constantly and was always teasing me. He also stared at me all the time, etc., and we got really close. I kinda started liking him again. Then his sister said she was pretty sure he still had feelings for me. So I spent a while thinking about how I felt—I wanted to be sure my feelings for him weren’t just a rebound—and decided that I really did like him a whole lot rather than because I had just broken up. So I kinda flirted back with him a bit, and it was fun. We weren’t quite best friends, but we were really pretty close and talked about a lot of stuff.

This went on for like eight or nine months, but this summer it just stopped. Now I might be standing right next to him at a party and he will hardly talk to me or look at me. I’ve even tried to start a conversation a couple times, but he just gave monosyllabic answers so I gave up. This went on for three months. We even had to ride in a car for three hours with two other people and he would pointedly talk to everyone except me. Nobody knew why he was being like that, and he didn’t do it to anyone else. So I tried to get over him since he was being so weird for no apparent reason. But I still like him.

Then in August he started talking to me again, but not really. Like, if we’re standing together we’ll make polite small talk, and he’ll make eye contact with me again, but he never goes out of his way to communicate with me, and when we have to communicate via email or text, he gives real short answers and doesn’t seem to really want to talk. Normally I would think that this means that he obviously is not into me, but a lot of times I’ll look up and he’ll be staring at me. And there have been a couple times when we’ll be in a group and he’ll say something funny and when I start laughing we’ll make eye contact and hold it for a really long time… stuff like that. I’ve talked to one of his older brothers and one of his younger sisters (two of my really close friends) and they both seem to think that there’s a really good chance, but neither of them know for sure. I don’t get it at all.

So I guess what I’m asking is what is ya’lls perspective on why he might have stopped talking to me all of the sudden, and why is he acting so weird?? Am I seeing what I want to see even though he really doesn’t want to even be friends, or does he still have feelings for me?

Thanks a ton!

~Rose

Dear Rose,

Thanks for your question.

Actually it seems to us that he does like you but no longer knows how to act around you. He’s lost his easy going demeanor because he is uncertain how you feel about him. So instead of telling you how he feels, he does the opposite, and ignores you. This is like the elementary school boy who throws snowballs at the girl he likes because he wants her attention and doesn’t know how to express himself. Your friend sounds inexperienced.

However, the fact that your families are close does make the situation a bit more complicated. We can see why he might not want to let his feelings be known. If you don’t reciprocate then he’s left in a very uncomfortable position.

So what should you do? Well, Rose, that’s up to you. If you feel comfortable being the initiator then go for it. But if you don’t—which we totally would understand—you’ll have to drop some serious hints to let him know that you might be open to something more than just friends. And maybe, if they are willing, you can get his brother and sister to help you?

If in fact he doesn’t like you, and our interpretation is off, then frankly, you’re better off moving on to be with someone who’s going to be more straightforward about his feelings. AND with someone who is able to express himself.

But good luck. We hope it works out for you. Please keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Summer Fling or Boyfriend?

One of the Guys — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 12:13:51 +0000

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What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No Boundaries)

He asks ME to call HIM

Hi Guys,

I just finished university this year and a guy who I had a class with in first semester (Sept-Dec) started messaging me out of the blue back in April just “to say hi.” I was really surprised to hear from him because it was so random, but I did respond and we continued to chat via Facebook until about June. We kept trying to make plans but all the work at the end of the semester it was too much for either of us to get together!

He had a big get together with a lot of his friends on the night of our convocation and he invited me to come out for it. There was a lot of people there but we ended up sitting by ourselves chatting. He also introduced me to his friends when they came over to talk with us. He was supposed to be going away for a month shortly after graduating and while he was gone I was leaving for another two months to travel. Because of that, even though I was interested in him, I didn’t think anything substantial would really develop between us. We have really good chemistry and we had a really fun night and ended up hooking up, which I of course now totally regret.

As it turned out, he ended up breaking his leg and he wasn’t able to go away. So because he didn’t end up leaving he continued to call/text me to hang out. I wasn’t always able to (so I wasn’t always available) and he was pretty consistent and I guess we fell into some sort of ‘friends with benefits’ relationship without me really thinking about what I really wanted. I figured that while I was traveling we would just lose contact.

Just before I left, he texted me that he would miss spending time with me and that he really enjoyed seeing me, which I really appreciated, and I told him that I’d miss him too. While I was gone we still stayed in touch through email and Facebook, which was really nice. We were both pretty consistent about staying in contact.

I came back almost three weeks ago and as soon as he knew I was back he messaged, texted, and called me immediately! I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship I wanted with him—FWB, boyfriend or just platonic—and I did want to talk to him about that, but I was kind of afraid to because I do remember in a conversation we had once he mentioned that he wasn’t sure if he was good boyfriend material. He does confide a lot of very personal info with me and that came up in passing. So at any rate, I haven’t had that conversation with him as of yet. Since I’ve been back we’ve been in pretty regular contact but it feels different, more complacent now. He doesn’t call as much and he tends to stick with texting.

He’s doing his PhD at the moment so he’s pretty swamped with school and he’s not going out as much as he was in the summer. But recently he did go to an event that he told me about but didn’t invite me to. It wasn’t something where tickets had to be bought well in advance because he was trying to get an extra ticket for one of his friends on the day of. I know he’s pretty good friends with his best friend’s girlfriend and sometimes he’ll hang out with her. (I’m quite positive they have a platonic relationship – he’s very loyal to his guy friends so I don’t think there’s intimacy between him and this other girl – she’s crazy about her boyfriend.) So I think in part he might not have asked me to go with him because he might have been going with her already.

I don’t usually initiate getting together with him because he usually does the initiating but since I’ve been back I’ve only seen him twice despite still at least texting each other almost every day. And the last time I hung out with him I initiated the get together. And it was because I’m in the process of moving and I needed a place to crash, and he said I could stay with him. But that night when I was staying with him I was beginning to wonder if he was going to get bored with our relationship and it would fizzle out. I usually just go to his place and hang out with him there when I do see him. So in that regard he isn’t putting as much effort in anymore.

Two friends and I are having a joint birthday party in a couple weeks and so of course I sent out a FB invite to him for the event. (A lot of people are invited, so it is pretty casual.) He said (via text) that it sounded like a night not to be missed.(Implying that he would attend.) But on the FB RSVP he still hasn’t responded and I’m wondering if he is not wanting to commit, or if he’s waiting for something better. I know he’s been online and he knows about the event but hasn’t responded.

So… I’m confused. He seems to be interested in me, he continues to be in contact with me, I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else on the side. (I can pretty much come over when I want, so long as he’s not in class.) And I know he cares about me—he’s told me, and he’s very affectionate with me; he kisses me repeatedly on the forehead & cheek when we’re lying in bed together; and he will hold my hand in public. But on the other hand, I almost wonder if he’s keeping me in the shadows of his life. I’ve only been back a few weeks and I don’t think I’ve given us enough time to really assess the nature of our relationship, especially considering he’s doing his PhD, and I do know he’s swamped. But things are different than before.

What should I make of him?? I’m trying to just let him chase me but at the same time I wonder if he’s bored. If he’s bored wouldn’t he just stop contact completely?

Thanks!

Alice

Dear Alice,

Thanks for your note.

We don’t think the question is whether or not he’s bored. Guys don’t get bored from hanging out and having sex. In fact, a guy could easily stay in a “hang out and have sex” type of relationship for years, especially if he was busy with his career or studies. The problem with this type of arrangement—or we should say, one of the many problems with this type of arrangement—is that it typically never goes anywhere. The guy gets lazier and lazier over time, and starts making less effort to do more than the status quo, and consequently the woman gets more and more frustrated and confused. Eventually it kind of just fizzles away.

Don’t panic yet, Alice. Your situation hasn’t reached these proportions, but it’s headed there fast. We’re sure you’ve read these books that lay out certain rules that women and men should follow when starting a relationship. And while they certainly apply in some cases, each situation is different. In your case, the time to let him do the pursuing is over. You’ve known him over a year, been “hanging out” with him over six months, and you’re still in the exact same place, except now you want to know what’s going on. Well, we can’t blame you.

It’s time to have THE CONVERSATION. Yes, the dreaded conversation that defines what you have together. As uncomfortable as this may be, you need to get some answers from him, otherwise this situation will go on interminably. Because what motivation does he have to change it? He’s pretty much getting what he wants: a nice diversion from his busy life with a sweet and pretty girl. And in fact, the more we think about it the more this guy sounds like a possible player. His comment early on to you—”I’m not really boyfriend material.”—speaks volumes about where he’s at, and it really set the table for the type of arrangement you’re currently in with him.

And this thought just struck us: There’s a big difference between a relationship and an arrangement. One is robust and full of life, and the other is all business. You need to find out which one you’re in. Stop worrying about what he wants, and whether or not he’s going to get bored, and start focusing on what you want. You may not even know exactly what that is until you talk with him. You deserve some answers Alice, but the only way you’re going to get them is to talk to him.

Good luck. We’re hoping this works out the way you want it to. But if not, every relationship you have will better inform you for the future. Just remember to be clear about what makes YOU happy and satisfied.

THE GUYS

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Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No boundaries)

One of the Guys — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 12:29:18 +0000

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What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

He asks ME to call HIM

Dear Guys,

I was dating a man for over a year. He is very active in his teenage son’s life, which I think is wonderful. My problem was his relationship with his ex-wife. She wanted to car pool, have him watch her dog, etc. She always called asking him for favors when he was supposed to be going out with me.

I always came last. He gave me flowers once, but then told me what his ex-wife said when he gave her the same ones. He seems to not care about my feelings. We broke up when I tried to talk to him about how I felt.

Should I have no say in my own relationship? He should put his son ahead of me, but the ex and the dog???

Thanks,

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for your question.

We can see why you were so frustrated being with this man and why you ultimately broke up with him.

The dating world is vastly more complex than it used to be. When you factor in ex-spouses, kids from previous marriages, and joint ownership of material things—houses, cars, boats, even dogs—relationships get to be very difficult to navigate.

When people have kids from a previous relationship it is their duty to figure out the best way to care for the kids, even if they have irreconcilable differences themselves. This often means being in frequent contact and sometimes even doing things as a “family.” (We realize this might sound odd, but maintaining an amicable relationship with an ex is a key ingredient to raising emotionally healthy children.) And there is no correct formula for doing this.

However, your guy is overdoing it. The two of them are still emotionally dependent on each other. Their contact should be limited to raising their kids together not helping with chores or other such things that couples do for each other.

We think you have a pretty healthy perspective on the situation, and understand that yes, you do come second behind his child, at least until the boy is old enough to be on his own. (And maybe even then too.) But your guy should still make your relationship a priority and show you how much he cares for you, and how much he values the relationship. It sounds to us like your guy is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone yet. Well, besides his ex.

We hope this helps give you some perspective. And yes, you should have a say in your own relationship.

THE GUYS

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He asks ME to call HIM

One of the Guys — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 12:04:33 +0000

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What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Hi Guys!

Thanks a lot for reading my message.

I met this good looking guy at a party before summer vacation. He asked for my number and my email before we said bye. Then he asked if I would call him. This question confused me, but I said yes. He never called me or anything.

One month later I sent him a friendly text message. He never replied. So, I didn’t do anything more. I saw him the first week of classes after the summer. I just said hi in a friendly way. Two days later I received an email. I replied 4 days later, but he never replied back. Then I saw him on a party a week ago. I said hi and we started talking. In less than 10 minutes, he asked if he could visit my lab at school. Also, he made plans to go the library with me, but again he asked me to call him or send him a message. Very directly, I told him, “I’m not going to do it because you don’t reply.” He said, fine he would call. Of course he never called or replied.

My instinct tells me to forget him. He seems not as interested as he appears to be when he sees me. I just need a confirmation please. Also, before I forget, a friend who knows him told me that he is shy, but I can’t believe this, because he starts hitting on me in less than 10 min. of the conversation.

Is he a pathological player or what?

Thanks again guys,

Winterflake

Dear Winterflake,

Thanks for you question.

Your instincts are right. This guy is a waste of time and energy. He might be attracted to you, but he’s not interested enough to do much about it. (And forget the whole shy angle. He’s not shy. He’s used to women coming after him.)

And let’s just say for some reason the two of you actually started dating. Can you imagine the frustration in dealing with someone who doesn’t communicate well? This guy doesn’t follow through, he doesn’t keep his word, and he’s complacent and apathetic.

We say, move on.

And oh, here’s a good general rule: Guys should be the ones pursuing AND calling.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

One of the Guys — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 16:37:51 +0000

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What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Hey Guys,

I’m a sophomore and I really like this senior guy too. He asked me to Homecoming, and he’s always texting me. He came over to dinner and even met my embarrassing parents. (I’m still surprised he’s semi-interested in me after meeting them). I sat next to him on a bus ride to one of our sports’ meets, and I listened to his music and he even let me lean on his shoulder to fall asleep. He said I’m nice, pretty, and beautiful, but it seems like I’m annoying him sometimes when we text. It seems like he doesn’t really want to talk to me very much. What do I do???

Mia

Dear Mia,

Thanks for your question. So have you already gone to the Homecoming Dance? It’s been close to a month since you wrote to us. If you have, you probably already have a lot more information about the situation.

To us it seems clear he’s into you. He wouldn’t have asked you to Homecoming if he wasn’t. But the question is more about, “HOW” he’s into you, or WHY? Meaning, does he like you because you are beautiful on the outside, or does he really want to get to know you as a person?

On the positive side, he passed the “parent test.” He was able to tolerate your parents, even if they were embarrassing you. (Isn’t that what parents are supposed to do??) What did your parents think of him?

On the flip side, the fact that he gets annoyed by your texting makes us wonder what his intentions are. Here’s a little excerpt from one our videos: Dating an older guy (Keep in mind that this is tongue and cheek, but there’s truth to it.)

Quote:

If you’re under the legal age—which means you’re in high school— you should not be dating an older guy…period. Most freshman and sophomore boys are harmless enough because they are paralyzed by breasts, walking around like zombies carrying their books in front of their privates hiding what’s obvious to everyone around them. But junior and senior guys are more savvy. Their confidence is attractive to you, but that’s why you need to stay far away. They are like just born nomadic vampires with hypnotic powers they can’t control. You might think you’re mature enough to handle them but you’re not. These guys, no matter how cool they seem, are interested in you for one thing, and we hope you’re at least old enough to guess what that is.

End Quote

You see our point Mia. We’re not saying all senior guys are like this, but this is certainly something to consider. But rest assured, he’s definitely attracted to you.

Good luck and feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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He’s not willing to commit; Where is this going?

One of the Guys — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 00:43:17 +0000

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