Dating two guys at once; I’m confused
Readers: Check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s, “Rebecca, a memoir.”
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Dear Guys,
I had never been confident with guys until about a couple of months ago when I got with three guys in one night. I then started to constantly get with guys in clubs.
I then met one guy who I got with and went a little further almost going “all the way” and then he started to text me a lot, and seemed really keen to meet up with me again. It got dragged out for personal reasons, but I finally met up with him and went on a “date.” It was a little awkward but we made conversation, kissed a bit, and there was a bit of holding hands and leg touching.
Once I was home he text to say thanks for a nice night and can’t wait to see you again. And I replied a similar message, then he didn’t text back at all. (Before he used to keep texting. Also I’d normally get a good morning text quite early and that hasn’t happened yet.)
Is this the start of him ignoring me?
After I was home, one of my friends (a guy) started to text me trying to get me to come out and see him. (He really likes me, and I used to like him a bit. Deep down I still have some feelings for him, he’s asked me to come over for sex, and I kinda want to but know I shouldn’t because I’ll end up hurting someone.
How do I politely postpone the invitation without giving the impression I don’t want to see him?
What should I do about the guy from the date? (I dont know how I feel about him, but he seems really nice and wanting to see me again?
Is it bad to want both? Or to want sex from one and to “date” the other?
I feel like a bit of a s*** but I’m so confused on what to do?
Help!
J
Dear J,
Thanks for your question.
There’s nothing wrong with being interested in two guys at once. You don’t say how old you are, but typically young people—even people in their 20s—take their time settling down. So it’s okay to date more the one person, get a taste of different personalities, and see what suits you the best. Of course, once you finally decide you like someone we recommend dating them exclusively. (As long as they feel the same way.)
However, we don’t recommend sleeping with a bunch of guys at the same time, or even more than one. Besides the obvious health risks, it’s not great for your own emotional well-being and self-respect. (Probably not great for the guys either unless they don’t care about anything but having sex with you. And in that case, that’s not going to make you feel great in the long run.)
J, you seem all over the place. Why don’t you just go with the flow? Date around. Enjoy yourself. Have fun. You’ll know when the time is right to date exclusively. You’ll feel it inside you because once you find that special someone you won’t even want to date anyone else. And when that happens you’ll know you’re ready to have an open, honest, and trusting relationship. Until then, have a good time. But be careful and safe out there.
Finally, please don’t mix alcohol into the mix. That’s going to blur your judgement even more.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks.
International Long Distance: Is it possible?
Hi Guys,
This past year I’ve met the most amazing guy. I was 18 (now 19) and he is 25. We met at work where he was an exchange student from Brasil, along with about 26 other students. We started talking and we exchanged numbers just after two days. Before the week was up we had gone for a date and had a great time with other friends until 4 in the morning. We decided to start dating but with the understanding we would not be in a long distance relationship once he left to go home.
We spent a perfect month together. Whenever I wasn’t busy with my extra load of classes (8) and both my full time and the part time job, I would go see him very late in the night or very early in the morning. We slept together a few times but only into the second half of the time. I was acceptedby the other internationals and we were a big family. Then one by one they left. He left and I went with him the whole way to the airport. We said good bye knowing it could be years until we saw eachother again if that.
With the exception of the day he was traveling we have texted eachother every day for the past two months. There’s isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think of him. He fully supported me in my career choices only worrying about the amount of sleep and food I was getting. And he left early because he had a federal job waiting for him at home. I don’t want to affect his career because I want him to succeed and we have talked about me coming to visit, but because of his work he would only have a few days to spend with me. He said that in two winters he will have a whole month off and seemed excited about a visit. We have skyped three times since he left. The first time was within a week of getting home and I talked to his dad who said that I would always have a home there,which astounded me. I told him I would be honored. The second time was for an hour just because we both had time and the third time was the day after my birthday in which I met his mother and sister in addition to his father. They seemed friendly towards me but because of the language barrier not much was said. We all had a good time though and it was very exciting.
Now it seems like he is less about the cute relationship stuff and now we just talk about general stuff and how we are doing. After flirting just a bit with him the other night I asked if it was okay or if I was crossing a line. He said I just don’t want you getting confused that we are just friends. I was told that in Brazilian culture it is normal for children to stay home till early 30s then start on there own. Is he just distancing himself from me for protection or does he really mean he just wants to be friends? Because I feel like I’m getting mixed signals and I am being very patient as much as I can. And would a trip sooner (with in a year) be a good or bad idea?
Thanks in advance.
Maddie
Dear Maddie,
Thanks for your question.
Meeting someone the way you met this guy has an element of fantasy to it. It’s like meeting a mysterious guy while vacationing in the tropics. The two of you spend a romantic few weeks together, away from the daily grind, and it seems like absolute bliss. It is absolute bliss. But when you both return to your respective lives all of a sudden reality sets in. Now it’s back to jobs, grocery shopping, old friends, familiar routines, and those wonderful memories recede to that place in your brain where the exciting moments in your life reside.
We’re not saying what you experienced wasn’t real. It certainly was for both of you. But now what’s happened is that you are trying to keep the moment alive and he’s resisting. He may be very fond of you—obviously he is or his parents wouldn’t be so kind to you—but he’s probably weighing all the possibilities in his mind and he’s not sure how this is going to play out.
Likely Pros in his mind:
1. He thinks you’re interesting and great.
2. He’s attracted to you.
3. He has a connection to you.
Likely cons in his mind:
1. You live in different countries.
2. You’re from different cultures.
3. He wants to get his career off the ground.
4. You’re younger and he’s not sure how he feels about that.
5. Will his family accept you completely?
6. Where will you live?
7. What will you do in the meantime? How often will you see each other?
8. What about all the beautiful Brazilian women? Should he be dating them?
9. The list goes on.
Now, just because the “con” list is longer doesn’t mean the “pro” list can’t win out. There’s a lot to be said for a strong connection between two people. But he needs to see that for himself. And you can’t convince him of that. But what you can do is try to arrange a time to see him. Sooner rather than later. We’re not telling you what to do, but he does need reminding of the great connection the two of you have. Skype and texting aren’t going to do it. And in these situations someone has to take the initiative. If he’s not going to do it, then you might have to. You just need to ask yourself what you’re willing to do to make this happen? The thing is, there’s nothing worse than regret. And it seems that if you don’t see this through to the end you might have regrets. That’s not a good thing.
But this is something you should discuss with your family if you can or close friends. Some questions to talk over: Should you visit him? Or should he visit you? Where will you stay? Will it be safe to go there? Why are you going? And what does he really think?
You see, if you go there even after him telling you that you’re just friends, you have to understand that you might be disappointed. But still, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You’ve got a lot to think about. Good luck.
Let us know if we can help in any other way. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.
THE GUYS
ps. Please let your friends know about us. And check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. Read some great guest women writers. Thanks!
Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:
Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me
Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?
Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?
Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?
Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?
Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated
Hooking up without being attached; would a guy do that if he wasn’t into me?
Dear Guys,
This guy and I have been hooking up for about three months almost every week, or every couple of weeks. He and I are involved in the same group of friends. So we’ve chatted quite a bit, and hung out a bit, and he would do really nice things for me or for other people while I was around, and (as stupid as this sounds) leave really cute posts on my wall on Facebook.
Then one night, four months ago, we both were drunk and ended up making out. It happened again the week after that. So we decided we wanted to talk about it.. or um.. I guess I decided I wanted to talk about it, because I generally do not just hook up with men while I’m drunk. We’re also both about to study abroad for a year. We both decided it wasn’t a good idea to keep doing this, because it’s a bad idea to be attached to someone who isn’t going to be around. And I still agree with that.
But it keeps happening. And now we don’t really talk at all outside of hooking up. I want to just hang out with him sober again, but he seems to not care very much.
I also know that he’s been hurt pretty badly in the past by a girl, and he ended up lashing out at her, and hasn’t been quite the same (especially in regards to girls) since. And this information isn’t coming second-hand; I was there when it happened. (As I said, we’re in the same group of friends).
We still haven’t had sex. I’m a virgin, and I’m not going to become… *ahem* a not-virgin when I’m drunk. And I’m not going to do it with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to see me outside of his bedroom or mine. I have performed oral on him though, a few times..
Can he really be doing these kinds of things with me, this frequently, and not have feelings for me? Is that possible? Would guys do that? Especially with a girl who isn’t actually having sex with them? Or is oral kind of the same thing…
D
Dear D,
Thanks for your question.
First, let’s clarify what sex is. This whole gray area of oral sex started around the time of the Monica Lewinsky affair. Do you remember? You might be too young. But click on the link, or do some research. Fascinating stuff. Anyway, some people define sex as only intercourse, but for most people, anytime the genitalia is involved it’s pretty much sex. So yes, oral—fellatio or cunnilingus—is pretty much sex. Certainly it’s intimate enough to be stimulating another person with your mouth wouldn’t you say? But if you want to be technical, yes you’re certainly still a virgin, but for practical purposes, or if a guy in the future asks you if you’ve had sex before, it could be something you’d want to disclose. Or for that matter, something you didn’t want to disclose.
Could a guy receive oral sex every week without being emotionally attached or invested in a woman? Absolutely. In fact, for some guys it’s the perfect situation. (We’re not saying all, but certainly any type of Booty Call or Friends with Benefits situation is something guys search for, or certainly wouldn’t turn down if it was offered, especially if they weren’t in a serious relationship with a woman.)
We don’t think this is the best situation for you. He’s getting some of his needs met but you’re not. And typically these types of arrangements don’t transition into serious relationships. Eventually they just fizzle after the woman gets fed up. You might want to check out our video on “Friends with Benefits” for some more insights.
Don’t feel badly. This happens more than you might think. But the best thing to do is move on and try to find a guy that is not only willing, but excited, to see you outside the bedroom. (Read our “Relationship Memoirs” page to see how this turns out for Rebecca.)
Feel free to ask us a follow up question and keep us posted on how this progresses. Good luck.
THE GUYS
ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
I’m hoping for a second date. Should I contact him again?
Readers: Check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page and read the latest contribution from Charlotte Pescale “Rebecca, a memoir.”
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Hi Guys,
I have a first-date question… This is kind of similar to another question you just answered actually… but I still want your opinion lol. I met a guy really randomly a few weeks back— I was lost and asked him for directions, and we got to chatting briefly and we suggested going for coffee or drinks sometime and exchanged numbers. After that we texted pretty frequently. We did finally meet up last week —I think we were both a little drained. He was preparing for a conference that he was going away for this past weekend and I had a pretty busy day as well.
But the date went pretty well. (At least I think it did.) I was a bit nervous but I didn’t feel that “omg I need to get out of here” kind of feeling I’ve had on other dates! And I did notice subtle body language on his part that usually shows interest, like mimicking my own hand gestures, brushing my hand and that sort of thing. He was very attentive to what I was saying and I was attentive to what he was saying. But I was also nervous and when I’m nervous a part of me can err a little more to the stand-offish side rather than flirtatious.
At the end of the night (we hung out for at least three hours) he did walk me home but instead of trying to kiss me he gave me a friendly hug – but it was the one-arm hug! (The same hug we gave each other when we met up at the beginning of the night.) And when we said bye he said he’d let me know how his conference goes.
I was kind of confused because I thought the date went well and I didn’t pick up on any “he’s not interested” vibes so I was a little thrown off that he just said he’d let me know how it goes and not make even tentative plans for another date. I texted him the next day to say have a good weekend (conference was out of town) and he should’ve been back by tonight and I haven’t heard from him.
Usually if I don’t think a date went well I just walk away and say too bad, but he’s honestly the best guy I have met in a looooonng time and I’m reluctant to just walk away because I think I might have given off the “not-interested” vibes without meaning to. I figure he’s back in town now and I am not sure if I should text him asking him how it went? I don’t like initiating contact two times in a row but I’m wondering that if I did give off the wrong impression maybe that’s why he’s gone off the radar. But if I text him tomorrow or something asking him how it went would that just be really weird or would that maybe encourage him to at least talk to me again?? I can’t bring myself to totally walk away this time around but I also want to maintain some sort of dignity lol.
Thanks!
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Ahh the ambiguity of the “one arm hug.” How wonderful. (We’re being sarcastic)
So we see your dilemma. Kind of. You see Michelle, if he has any sort of self-confidence, your “not interested” vibe would not be enough to dissuade him from getting back in touch with you. It’s not like you were acting that way when you first met him. You were actually out on a date, which means he must surmise that you were—or are—interested in him enough to spend more time with him than you actually needed to.
So we still think you need to let him take the initiative here. If he doesn’t get in touch with you in a week or so, feel free to text him then. But if we were in this situation, and we met a girl like you who we really liked, we’d definitely be looking forward to seeing you again. And we’d be contacting you as soon as we felt we could, especially being emboldened by your follow up text.
Be patient on this one. You don’t need to let it die, but you also don’t need to breathe life into it. It’s either going to happen or it’s not. And if he can’t see what’s in front of him, well then that’s his problem. Wait and week and then go from there.
We’re hoping this works out for you.
Take care,
THE GUYS
ps. Feel free to ask us a follow question. Say hi to your friends up there in Canada. And check out our new “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy the latest contributions from Charlotte Pescale. “Rebecca, a memoir”
Dating an older guy: Why is he afraid?
Readers: Please check out our new Relationship Memoirs page to read some great guest writers. Thanks!
Hey Guys,
I’m 18 and I met this guy who is seven years older than me almost a year ago. We dated for about a month and it was going really well, until he decided we should stop because he thought we would make mistakes due to the age difference. However I insisted that we didn’t break all ties. I really liked him. We kept on seeing each other and sleeping together. But it’s not just about sex, we get along really well. It almost feels like a relationship.
But he hasn’t told any of his friends about us and seems ashamed. When I asked him why, he told me even though he enjoys spending time with me he feels like a thief; he feels guilty but he can’t explain why.
This is really frustrating, I feel loved and rejected at the same time. I don’t think I am someone that one could be ashamed of but my self-esteem is kind of hurt by this situation. Do you have an explanation for me, guys ? Why is he so afraid ? What could I do to reassure him ?
Stella
Dear Stella,
Thanks for your question. You should also check out our video on Dating an Older Guy. (Also, you might be interested in reading some of our Relationship Memoirs.
Your “boyfriend’s” actions show that at least he has a conscience. You see, he’s attracted to you, but feels like a thief because he understands on some level he’s stealing your youth. He knows he’s interfering with some of the experiences you should be having—experiences that he had when he was your age. Like dating guys your own age, and doing the things that 18 year olds do: college, dating, figuring out their career, going out on the town, traveling. He knows if you’re with him you’re going to miss out and he feels guilty about it.
There’s nothing wrong with dating an older guy Stella, and frankly seven years is not typically a big deal, but at your age it is. This guy is in a completely different place in life. He’s been operating in the adult world for the last four years and you’ve just completed high school. That’s not to say you’re not mature enough to handle it, and it’s not to say that these types of relationships never work, but the two of you are at very different places in your lives. And this is why he’s not introducing you to his friends and family. He’s not embarrassed of you, he’s embarrassed by his own actions. Basically he feels like he’s “robbing the cradle” and he believes all his friends will think the same thing. (He is.) And that’s why he’s keeping the relationship a secret and giving you mixed signals.
If he’s not going to change his behavior and treat you like a proper girlfriend we suggest you stop with the FWB arrangement and move on. Your self-esteem is only going to be affected more and more and that is not healthy for you. We also think you should pursue the things that 18 year olds pursue rather than date an older guy at this point in your life.
So stop fretting. Don’t feel badly about yourself. We’re sure you’re a great young woman that many a guy would be very proud to date. This situation is more about him than it is about you. Hope this helps.
Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question in the comments section below.
THE GUYS
ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Other questions about dating older men:
Sugar Daddy: Could he be serious about me?
Does my coach love me or am I being delusional?
Teacher/student: I thought he was into me but he never asked me out
How do I keep him interested while he’s away?
Dear Guys,
Where do I begin?
I met this guy when he was dating a friend (not a close friend) about 5 years ago. We hit it off right away, but only as friends. About a year into their relationship she cheated on him for the first time. (My friend has a horrible cheating record and we all knew it would happen at some point.) This guy and I talked, connected, and shared a kiss. We both knew it was wrong and I told him to give her another chance, and he did. I was beginning to have feelings for him, but never pursued him because of the circumstances.
Fast forward a couple of years. The two broke up for good this time and he moved back to his hometown, which is five hours away. We kept in touch as friends over the years. Talking for a few hours every 5-6 months. I got in a relationship (which I’m trying to end amicably but I haven’t been happy for months..) and time moved on.
Now up to date: He was having a going away party because he was leaving for the army. At the party, most people were wasted so we got to hang out and talk the whole night. He was being very flirty with me, brought up old times, and kept putting his arm around me. I got a little drunk and told him how I’ve always had slight feelings for him. He told me that he has too and he kissed me again. We stayed up all night talking and kissing. I was a little skeptical that maybe he just wanted to get some before leaving for basic. However, he was a gentleman and didn’t try to sleep with me.
Ever since the party, we’ve been texting. Not daily, but enough. He has said, “It really blows that we’re just now getting back in touch. Timing was never our thing.” And “We’ll write eachother and see what happens.” He leaves for basic tomorrow and we talked on the phone for about an hour tonight.
I guess what I’m asking is, how do I keep him interested in me from a distance? Am I reading too much into this? We’re not dating by any means, but I don’t want to lose that opportunity. I can’t stop thinking about him, but I don’t want to come on too strong. I’ve been in a relationship for the past three years and I don’t really know how to do this anymore, especially when it’s someone who is far away with no phone/internet, and someone I don’t COMPLETELY know. Am I in over my head? Thanks for reading my dumb girl ramblings.
Jenn
Dear Jenn,
Thanks for your question. By no means do we think these are the ramblings of a “dumb girl.” We get it.
First of all, the fact that he once dated your friend has no bearing on this. That was in the past and if she has a problem with it she needs to get over it. It doesn’t sound like you’re worried about that too much but we just thought we’d throw it out there.
We’ve always felt there was something special about a written letter. It certainly is much more intimate than an email or a text. Remember, that’s how our parents and grandparents kept in touch, the golden age of correspondence. And it will give you an opportunity to add a personal touch every time you reach out to him. (Also an opportunity to possibly send small gifts, tokens, little things to remind him of home AND you.)
The other thing you have going for you is that he’s going to be very busy with basic training and he’s not going to be out at the bars every night hitting on other girls. He just won’t have the time, or the energy.
For now the best thing to do is try to keep the connection and energy alive, but let him be the one to get things going. Let him be the one to initiate. Believe us, if he’s really interested—which we think he is–he will want to keep this going. So really you don’t need to do anything but be yourself and trust your gut. Things will become clearer as this unfolds and you start corresponding.
Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question and please keep us posted as this progresses. And have fun!
THE GUYS
ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Other questions about military relationships:
Military long distance relationship
Military relationship; what do I do?
Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?
Friends with Benefits with my boss?
Watch our video on “Friends with Benefits”
Read other posts about Friends with Benefits. FWB
The Ex Files: Friends with benefits?
Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more?
Booty call or relationship trouble
Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?
I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?
Friends with benefits; why me?
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Dear Guys,
About 8 years ago I hooked up with my boss. I had a crush on him since I started the job. About a year later we hooked up. A one time only thing because I found out he was in a relationship that I didn’t know about.
We recently found each other again and he asked about hooking up again and seeing where things go this time because he’s single. I don’t know what to do. My problem is that I’ve always liked him and I really don’t know what his real intentions are. Is he just after a piece of ass or is he being real about things going somewhere? I know I will get attached because I don’t just go have sex to have sex. Should I give it a chance or run?
Jacquelyn
Dear Jacquelyn,
Thanks for your question.
The red flag here is that he had sex with you while he was in a relationship. That’s really our only concern here. If he did that then who’s to say he’s really changed? But it’s possible. That would be up to you to figure out.
However, having said that, life is about taking risks. And if you really like this guy we don’t see why you can’t explore things. BUT…we wouldn’t start off by hooking up and having sex with him. That’s a bad idea. Very bad idea. If he really wants to see where things go, suggest a proper type of courtship. If he’s really into exploring a relationship with you he’ll be open to this suggestion. If he’s not, and he keeps pushing for sex and a FWB arrangement, then you’ll have your answer.
RUN!
Hope this helps.
THE GUYS
ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
I’m hot for my tutor; will he date me?
Dear Guys,
I am a college freshman (18 yrs old) and recently I been having trouble with a class. I got tutoring but then switched my tutors to this guy who I found very attractive. (He is 25 yrs old). After our first tutoring session he texted me and we briefly flirted. At the end of our second session we end up having a hot make out session which lead to me pleasuring him.
After that he didn’t text me but I texted him asking for tutoring the next day. The next day after our tutoring session as I was about to leave he kissed me. I told him it didn’t feel right to be making out because I barely knew him and he was my tutor. However, we kept making out and things kept getting hotter and hotter. We ended up having sex. At the end I ended up telling him that I actually wanted him to ask me out. He was like really I didn’t know.
Well the thing is that I am really attracted to him. He is funny, witty, intelligent, hot, talented, and nice. I like him but I feel like he thinks I am just a FWB. I don’t know what to do because I thought he wanted to ask me out or liked me but he hasn’t done anything about it. And the bad thing is that I keep thinking about him and I want to be with him again. I don’t know what to tell him. I want to clarify and know what he wants. I need a guy’s perspective on this!
Haley
Dear Haley,
Thanks for your question.
Your situation is confusing because you’ve wandered into murky waters. Typically students and teachers shouldn’t be having any sort of relations outside the classroom. (This includes tutors as well. ) We do realize you’re 18 and of age, but that doesn’t mean he’s got a free pass. And if he is employed by your college he certainly understands what the boundaries are.
If the two of you want to have some sort of relationship you should stop seeing him as a tutor and see if he’ll ask you out on a proper date. But honestly, we’re not even encouraging that, because there’s a large divide between the two of you. He’s already out in the adult working world, and frankly you’ve only just graduated from high school. This might not seem like a big deal but there’s a huge gap in emotional and cognitive maturity here. Also, factor in that he’s your tutor, which makes it difficult to have a balanced relationship because he automatically has more power, being in a position of authority. What essentially happens is the tutor/student dynamic continues into the actual relationship.
We know you’re smitten, but honestly we don’t think he’s looking for anything more than a good time with you. And it doesn’t sound like that’s really what you want. (We don’t blame you.) So our suggestion: Get a different tutor and find yourself a nice guy who is a student at your college.
Check out our video: Dating older men
Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us a follow up question.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us.
Other questions about student/teacher dating and dating older men:
Does my coach love me or am I being delusional?
Teacher/student: I thought he was into me but he never asked me out
Divorced with kids: Why am I still single?
Guys,
Okay I am sure you have been asked this before. I am a seven years divorced mum of 3. I work and have a couple of social hobbies. I am quite good looking so I’ve been told. Yet not once in seven yrs have I been asked out. I tried the dating sites recently, met a few gents for coffee, and one stood out. So for a couple of months we got on really well. But then I found out he was still meeting others on the site and had been all along.
Do I need to wear a sign saying I am available and want an honest, trustworthy gent. They must be out there!
What am I doing wrong?
Tracy
Dear Tracy,
Thanks for your question.
We imagine that some of your difficulty stems from being a good mom. Probably a lot of your time—when you’re not working—you are helping your kids with homework, carting them around to their various activities, and generally spending quality time with them. And you probably don’t have a lot of time to go out socially. But in your case, you’re going to need to make an extra effort to get yourself out there.
We don’t think you’re doing anything wrong per se. Dating sites are a good way to meet people, especially for the busy, working person who has a lot of responsibilities. So we would suggest keeping your profile up to date. (Check out our videos on how to write a great profile on our Video Page) If you’ve already met one interesting person—although it’s unfortunate that he was untruthful—it’s likely you’ll meet someone else. (Hopefully this time a bit more open and honest.)
Tracy, you just need to get yourself out there. Say YES. Meaning, if you get asked to do things by your friends, just go, even if you’re tired. (And if you can get a babysitter.) Say yes to parties when you can, social events, parent meetings, whatever. It just sounds like you’re not meeting enough people. If you’re as cute as people say you are, you’ll attract attention just be getting yourself out there.
We realize full well how difficult it is to juggle being a single parent and an active social life, but let’s think of your situation from a business standpoint. Let’s say you were unemployed. What would you do? You’d update your resume, get yourself out there on LinkedIn, etc. and you’d start to network with people. You’d let friends know your were looking for a job, and you’d meet as many people as you possibly can. (Now don’t roll your eyes!) Dating is more similar than you might imagine. You have to put the word out there and let the network do some work for you.
Finally, guys WILL date single moms, but it’s a little more complicated sometimes. Some guys will be open to dating a woman with kids but they won’t be looking for a commitment. So it’s up to you to figure out who is for real and who isn’t. Check out some of our other posts on dating single moms for some more tips.
Divorced woman with kids dating a bachelor
“Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”
Good luck,
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Finding a date for prom
Other questions about the Prom: (If you have a question about your upcoming prom, ask away.)
Also Read:
Do looks matter? and High school dating: Am I hot or not?
_____________________________________
Dear Guys,
I’m a senior in high school and prom is two months away.
I switched schools my junior year and I’ve had trouble making friends—from being shy—so I’m not really close friends with anyone at my new school, especially with guys. Also, I’ve never been asked to anything before, so I’m a little worried that I won’t get asked for prom.
So I guess my question is this: Should I dwell on having a date, if I don’t get asked? Should I even go at all?
Thank you for reading,
Morgan
Dear Morgan,
Thanks for your question.
There’s a lot of hype and fantasy around high school prom. Boys are often told by their older brothers, or older guys “that know,” that it’s a night where girls will be more open to giving up the “goods” so to speak. Just the thought of that possibility is enough to make them woozy with excitement. For girls, prom is sometimes thought of as a trial run to that magical wedding they hope to have someday. But the reality is, the actual night certainly can be fun, but it rarely lives up to expectations.
But still, we encourage you to go if at all possible, because for every person the experience is different. Some people actually do have a great time, and it is a unique part of the high school experience that only happens at this time in your life. But we’d recommend going with another person. (Going by yourself won’t be much fun, unless you go with a group of other singles. But that might be difficult since you don’t know many people at the school.)
But there are other options besides having a guy ask you out and going by yourself. The key is to not dwell on the date aspect of this. Who constitutes your “date” can be very loosely defined.
The person could be:
1. An official date where a boy asks you to go.
2. A guy friend whom you feel comfortable going with as just friends.
3. A girl friend whom you feel comfortable going as friends so you can check out the scene.
If there’s no one at your new school to go with, have you thought about asking someone from your old school? It might seem far-fetched but it’s not. A few of us (GUYS) went to proms at other schools, even in other states. (And of course a few of us didn’t even go to prom.) There’s also the option of going to the prom at your old school. Did you have someone special there? Even just a good friend to go with? Something to think about.
Morgan, give it another few weeks; if it looks like you’re not going to get asked—and don’t feel badly about this because high school boys won’t ask a girl unless they’re sure the girl will say yes; and since you’re new, and no one really knows you that well, you are a mystery, and thus not a sure thing—you need to get proactive and see if you can find a date to go with. We know this isn’t ideal, but it’s worth making the effort.
However, Morgan, if nothing works out, treat yourself to something fun that night, and try not to worry about it. It’s not a reflection of you, it’s just circumstance.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz
Long distance false start: Can I get it going again?
Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel
Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile
Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)
Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)
Getting Played – Trust your Gut
Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)
Readers: Scroll to bottom of post for more questions about Long Distance Relationships.
__________________________
Hi Guys,
I met an amazing man on a vacation last March. He was very clearly smitten with me. And although we live far away from each other, he seemed really interested in pursuing a relationship following the vacation. We texted and called each other several times a day for several weeks following the trip and talked about future trips we’d like to plan together.
At first it was platonic, because I had not yet ended my long term, yet failing relationship, back home. But, when I felt myself really falling for this new guy, I felt both elated and guilty. I felt sure I’d met a man I could spend the rest of my life with. He was kind and inclusive and interested and shared deep feelings with me. He talked about what life would be like if we were in it for the long term. Mutual friends from the vacation felt sure that I could have him if I wanted him. But, I also wanted to be honorable and kind to my old boyfriend and settle things with him before moving into something new. When I was honest about this, the new guy was at first very understanding, but as I took a few weeks to settle with my ex, my new guy became discouraged and decided we should just be friends, and he opted to date someone local instead.
A mutual friend says that new guy was incredibly into me, but he couldn’t see it working because I was still involved with my ex and then he talked himself out of it due to the long-distance. About a month later, new guy contacted me again and told me that he wasn’t that into his new girl. He said he felt comfortable with her, but that she wasn’t very exciting and staying with her might be like settling. Perhaps he was feeling out my situation. He invited me to travel with him. I was not available to travel at the time but I told him how happy I was to hear from him. But, I’ve hardly heard from him since.
He’s still with the other girl. What happened? Has he decided to just settle with her? Has their relationship grown close? What now? Do I contact him to declare my feelings? Do I just try to occasionally communicate as friends and hope that he’ll take the initiative again some day? Do I cut him off entirely so I don’t feel tortured anymore? The problem is that I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life. My feelings were so strong for him and his for me during those first few weeks. So strong that I can’t get him out of my mind and I don’t want to forget about him. What should I do?
Mia
Dear Mia,
Thanks for your question.
It seems to us that this guy’s uncertainty stems from your situation with your ex-boyfriend, not because he’s not into you. And while we very much respect how you handled breaking up with your ex it’s now time to reach out to this new guy. If you really like him as much as you say you do why are you making him work so hard? And when he contacted you again, why wouldn’t you offer him some other possibility to get together even if you couldn’t travel at the time? Now what is he supposed to think? So the ball is clearly in your court. You’ve got to be the one to take the initiative.
Remember Mia, the nature of this situation is very tenuous. You met on vacation. And as you know vacations always have an element of fantasy to them. Not only do you travel to a new place, but in some ways you travel away from yourself. Often when you meet someone in that setting it can get intense quickly. But when people return to their daily lives that’s when doubts and insecurities can start developing. (They did for him) So yes, he might have been understanding at first, and probably respected you for being honorable with your boyfriend, but a man can only take so much, especially if he’s only known you for a week. And so we imagine he started questioning himself. “Do I really know this woman? What am I doing? Was this something I just made up in my head? Maybe she’s not as into me as I’m into her?”
But you ask, “Why is he dating this other girl?” Unfortunately it’s for comfort, which isn’t great for her. But this guy has convinced himself that the situation with you–the girl of his dreams possibly—isn’t going to work, so he’s seeking solace in another woman’s arms or bed. And while we don’t condone taking advantage of another woman we completely understand why he’s doing it. And probably there’s an element of ‘well she did it so I’m going to as well’ going on.
So to answer your question, yes, you can get this going again. But the ball is in your court. And frankly what do you have to lose by telling him how you feel? Life is full of risks, but putting your heart on the line for love seems well worth it. If it doesn’t work out at least you’ll have no regrets. And if it does, well you know better than we do how that will feel.
Be strong and just go for it.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
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Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:
Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me
Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?
Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?
Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?
Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?
Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated
Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance?
Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel
Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile
Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)
Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)
Getting Played – Trust your Gut
Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)
Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.
________________________
Dear Guys,
I’m 38, own a home, a successful business, and was married five years to an abusive man. It’s been six yrs now, I’ve moved and restarted a great life and am the happiest I’ve ever been. Over the years I see I’m drawn to attractive, adventurous, man-boys and have feared the men who want something more. The hot young ones boost my ego and have been “safe” as they usually don’t want much more then sex.
But I’ve done a lot to heal and recognize all this and now I want a more serious relationship. I had one the past two years but he left me eight months ago and I was very hurt but knew it was right and I deserved more and didn’t want to be with another big drinker who couldn’t control his habits.
A few months after the breakup I met a great 31 yr old guy. Hot, adventurous and interested. We gradually kept in touch over a few weeks and met up one evening at some hot springs and had a hot, amazing few nights together. Over the rest of the summer we’d spend a few nights a week together but I knew he would be leaving for six months in the fall. Mid-winter he was hurt and came back.
He has six weeks here and I allowed him to stay with me until he leaves again for two months, then he will be back for the summer for work. He talks about loving where we live and getting a permanent vs seasonal job. So we’re playing house mates, having a ton of sex and it’s been great. Then the fool used my computer in my house to communicate with his ex. I realized they talk often, every day or so and while he will be gone after leaving here he will be meeting up with her in Thailand. It’s definitely not just as friends, he’s clearly not over her. They’ve been broken up for two years and he told me it was hurtful. (He moved for her and it ended badly, etc.) He said he was going on his trip alone and I know he lied. We are getting to know each other, haven’t talked about anything with us and I did read him telling her he didn’t want anything serious with her. It was hard to read it all. And when I saw he forgot to log out of their very long instant message that he sent to her while I was at work, my heart sank.
I’m quite mature and really do get it. He’s having a great time with me and doesn’t want to blow it by telling me about her. We said goodbye in the fall, I was with someone else too, but now he’s back and he came to me. It’s clear he and his ex have stuff to work out and perhaps need closure or want another try at it.
My question is…what should I do? Run like Hell or give him time to figure out why they’re still connected and heal or see if they get back together and just keep dating myself? I just don’t want to be the fool, be used, be lied to, etc. The age difference is a factor and this situation proves it to me. He’s not mature enough to see that their disaster of a past will probably never work but they both are still locked together. They joke about other people but I see through that and doesn’t sounds like either has really moved on in the past two years. He’s super nice but does have a big ego and I’m sure is crushed inside that he failed at something, his first real love. They only dated a year but that can still be significant when it’s the only big experience.
Bottom line…give him a chance or not? I know he’s not prepared to tell me the truth about her (she lives across the country) and I know he wants to be here for work. He’s got his dream job and wants to stay. I know he wouldn’t leave for her and I think he actually said something to that degree in their giant message. (Can’t believe I read it. I felt badly but I’m so glad I did so I’m not completely in the dark about all of this. Nor did I tell him about the other person I spent time with.)
I actually realized after this time with someone else I really liked, that I liked him more and that’s why I invited him to stay with me. I was so curious about us having a chance to come back together so soon after thinking I wouldn’t see him for six months. My BFF thinks he really likes me, I told her the story about the ex thinking she’d tell me to end it immediately but she still thinks he’s worth having fun with and getting to know more. But it’s not her heart on the line…
Francine
Dear Francine,
Thanks for your question.
We happen to agree with your friend. You’re going to regret it if you don’t see this all the way through.
As you know, life is complicated and people come with baggage. Dating in your 20s is different than dating in your 30s, and so on, because as people age they acquire more and more baggage. But they also acquire more experience, and in turn are often more interesting.
It seems the two of you are both being a bit evasive. He’s still involved with his ex, and you are seeing other people. And neither of you knows about the other’s activities. (Okay, you do, but only because you did it without his knowledge.) We understand that you’re not really in an exclusive relationship, but in order to take this to the next level you both need to come clean about what you’re up to and honest about how you feel about the other person.
You’re right when you say, he still needs to find closure with his ex. Sometimes people go back and forth for years and years before they finally make the split. Many times it takes a new person to jumpstart this final parting. It sounds like you might actually be the person that will make him finally realize that he has a dysfunctional relationship with his ex. And that he actually could have the kind of relationship he really wants to have with you.
But the two of you need to really start talking to one another. You specifically need to let your guard down and tell him how you truly feel. Seeing other people is just a way of protecting yourself. It’s not fun to be vulnerable, but in order to see this through, you might have to let yourself be just that.
We hope it works out for you.
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!
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Dear Guys,
I answered a casual encounters ad on Craigslist. No sex. He just wanted to play with my breasts. I thought it would be something like making out, maybe foreplay without the sex; and initially it was. We had our first meeting in public—no breast activity at all. I liked him, so we kept in touch through text messages mostly and a few phone calls. We made plans to see each other on a more regular basis. After a few meetings he suggested that we try something new—extended breast play. I asked, “Don’t we do that already?” So he further explained it as suckling. I asked if it was like breastfeeding, and he said that it was simulating it. I asked if what he really wanted was a pregnant and/or nursing woman. He said no. I asked if he had ever done it before and he said no. He gave me the impression that this was a new experience for us both. So I tried it, and I liked it. It was a lot more intimate than anything we had done prior. Afterwards, I was curious about what we tried so I started googling it. I started with adult breastfeeding, which lead to erotic lactation, and that lead to adult nursing relationships (ANRs).
Anyway, at first I was upset when I found at all of this information. I thought this was something new to both of us but apparently it wasn’t. But after some thought I could see why he wasn’t completely upfront about what he wanted. However, I let my anxiety take over, and instead of waiting patiently to speak with him, I flooded him with texts, and emails and voice mail messages for three days. I didn’t yell or accuse, like I said, I understand why he was less than honest, and I wanted to explore this with him.
Anyway, we never spoke about what I discovered. He said if this was going to work I needed to apply the breaks, heavily. Then he asked me for space. I gave him one week.
He stopped answering my phone calls, emails, and text messages. I became clingy and needy. Eventually I resorted to dropping by his house unannounced. The first time it freaked him out but it ended in a heavy makeout session. The second time he yelled at me in his hallway and sent me away. He was hurtful. I, in turn, sent him a nasty email. We haven’t spoken in a week and a half. I really messed this up. He won’t talk to me, and he has already started looking for someone else. I know he is back to answering (ANR) ads.
I can’t let this go. I feel as though he tossed me aside like a defective blow up doll. Should I apologize? Will he ever be receptive to me again, or should I stay away? Is it possible for things to just go back to being casual, stress free, and fun or will he think I’m crazy forever?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for your question.
The issue here is one of expectation. When you answer a “Casual Encounters Ad” on Craigslist, it implies just that: a casual encounter. Nothing more. Nothing less. Your reaction—although in our minds warranted—took the arrangement from casual to serious, which is not something he was looking for. His own internal and external exploration helped him realize he has a fetish for this sort of thing. (ANR) So, he is now looking for like-minded people who have reached this same realization.
We think it’s unlikely your relationship can go back to being just casual and fun. In general, it’s possible to take a relationship from casual to serious, but difficult to go from serious to casual. But we can’t blame you for wanting to understand more about “extended breast play” and then seeking answers from him. It’s too bad he wasn’t able to be honest with you from the get go. But maybe honesty is too much to ask when you answer this type of ad?
The one place we do think you crossed the line is showing up at his house unannounced, especially when you were really angry. Going forward, please try to suppress these impulses unless you want to be labeled as: crazy, loco, psycho, nuts, or creepy.
We’re sorry you feel discarded. But unfortunately we don’t think he’s open to you anymore. But we also don’t think you could have done much differently. Sure you might have acted a bit “needy” but who could blame you? And really, is this the kind of guy you want to be in a relationship with? We doubt it. Not because of his alternative interests, but because of his dishonesty, and unwillingness to explore with you and help you understand. Sharing fetishes and fantasies with a partner can help spice things up and even bring people closer together. But this guy is not looking for one woman he can share his fantasies with but rather as many willing “Milk Maids” as he can find.
We hope this helps. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us any follow up questions. Leave all comments/questions in this comments section here and we’ll respond here as well.)
Take care,
THE GUYS
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Divorced woman w/ children dating bachelors in their 40s
For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz
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Military long distance relationship
I like a gay guy; what do I do?
Dear Guys,
I’m 41 and have been divorced a year . I have two girls ages 7 & 5. Following my divorce I had a relationship with a man who was 43 and never married. That relationship lasted 10 months.
When we broke up my next “fix up” from friends was basically the same guy only he was 40. The first relationship was actually a relationship, but it was obvious he wouldn’t get too close. He lived an hour away so we only saw each other abaout 1-2x a week. The second one lives in my town and has evolved into a “friends with benefits” relationship.
Do all men in their 40s who have never been married have similar relationship issues? Should I simply run from them all? It just seems that is a sign that they aren’t cut out for relationships.
Camille
Dear Camille,
Thanks for your question.
These two guys you’re describing—two guys in their 40s who have never been married—probably behaved exactly the same way when they were in their 20s. Meaning if you had met these two guys twenty years ago you may have had a very similar experience with both of them. And back then, the experience might have even been more frustrating because you would have wondered why they were having commitment issues, and then you’d likely start to question what was wrong with you.
What we’re saying is there are just as many guys in their 20s who are not looking for a committed relationship than in their 40s. But when those particular guys are in their 20s they are mixed in with all the other single guys, so they tend to blend in. By the time the 40 year mark comes around, many guys are married or in long term relationships, which leaves the perpetual single guys to stand out more.
We will admit that this particular demographic is less likely to be looking for a long term relationship, or marriage. But we wouldn’t necessarily characterize them as having “relationship issues.”
What are the reasons a guy might still be single in his 40s?
1. He wants to be single.
2. He is emotionally unavailable. Translation: Self-centered.
3. He doesn’t want the burden of kids. Or family.
4. He is constantly looking for a younger, better looking woman.
5. The opposite gender does not find him attractive. (Could mean physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually)
6. He is very shy.
7. Just hasn’t met the one yet. But wants to.
8. His very serious long term relationship didn’t work out. (The woman had commitment “issues.” Or was emotionally unavailable.)
9. Divorced.
10. Widower
And if each of these groups represents a percentage of the whole, it’s obvious which guys will be interested in a serious relationship and which won’t. And, if our calculations are correct—hold on we’re getting our calculator out…just a moment—that means that around 50% of guys in their 40s would be good possibilities for you to date. (You might need to expand your dating circle a bit.)
Our advice: When you meet someone new take it slow. Talk to them as much as possible and see where their head’s at. Relationships tend to progress faster when people are a little older, so you need to be aware of this and consciously slow things down.
We hope this helps.
Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section. And we’ll respond here. Also feel free to ask us any specific questions as they arise.
THE GUYS
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I like a gay guy; what do I do?
For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz
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Military long distance relationship
Hi Guys,
I’m a freshman girl in college. I’ve never had a boyfriend and never dated anyone. I think the reason I’m still single is because I’m kind of shy and quiet and I rarely hang out with guys. However, I’m very involved on campus.
A couple of months ago I became friends with a cute and smart guy in the same student organization and he was very open about his sexual orientation. He is the perfect friend that anyone can have. He’s funny, charming, smart, and I can hang out with him and even talk about boys!
At first, we were good friends and hung out a lot, but lately I’ve been feeling uncomfortable and a bit jealous when he talks about another guy. He’s very popular so he probably considers me no more special than any other friend. I’m usually the one to invite him out and rarely the other way around. I miss him when I can’t see him for a day. I think about him all the time. I eventually realize that I like him more than a friend. I also notice that sometimes I try to look attractive around him or try to keep him entertained. I know it’ll always be platonic but I really don’t know what I should do.
Can you please help me?
Sara
Dear Sara,
Thanks for your question.
Well this is exciting for you. No, not the fact that you like someone who is unavailable to you, but the fact that you’ve entered into a new realm. You’re having an awakening, which comes with a myriad of new emotions and feelings, some wonderful and some confusing.
You said yourself, you’ve never had a boyfriend or dated anyone, but in a way this guy is your first, because he’s inadvertently helped you come out of your shell. Without knowing it, he’s opened you up to a new world of queasy stomachs, butterflies and crushes.
We suggest you focus less on your feelings for him—he’s not going to change his sexual orientation—and start being open to meeting other interesting and smart guys, for which there are plenty.
Try to enjoy the friendship with this guy without trying to get him to notice you in other ways. And since he is so popular and knows so many people, maybe he’ll be the one to introduce you to someone else who you find just as exciting and cool. Keep doing what you’re doing. Say yes to invitations, join other organizations, and keep yourself open to new possibilities. This is all good.
Please leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section. And keep us posted. We’d love to hear how things are going with you.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!
He’s at a different college and in a fraternity; but does my ex still love me?
For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz
Some recent questions:
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Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?
Is this an online romance or an online booty call?
Hello Guys,
A few years ago, this guy and I started dating. The relationship was great. We never argued or fought; we just got along great together. We were very affectionate, caring, and had fun together. We loved each other a lot, but we broke up when he decided to move out of state to live with his other parent. I didn’t want to have a long distance relationship and neither did he.
He ended up moving back and after a few months I decided to give him another shot even though I was still hurting. But I ended it after a while because it just wasn’t the same and I was still hurting.
Now, we have been talking again for a couple months and he came and spent Thanksgiving with my family. We stayed the night together and some things happened physically but not sex. It was really nice. But over the course of these months that we’ve been talking he hooked up with one girl and kissed another. He blames it on being in a fraternity. Is he just playing with my emotions or does he really care?
Because of us living in different cities we do not want a relationship. But it is possible that I might be able to transfer to the same college. Which he even said he wished I went there so that we could hang out more. He has quite a few friends that are girls and I’m worried that he has been lying to me about not doing anything with them.
My family loves him and was glad to hear that he was coming to spend the week of Thanksgiving with me. He was always playing with my hair, holding my hand, kissing my forehead, rubbing my shoulders and feet. Every night we would fall asleep in each other’s arms. Is he just doing all this for the physical stuff or does he care or love me still? Please help me to understand what is going on because I don’t want him to hurt me again. I feel like I know him but I’m not so sure.
Thanks,
Miranda
Dear Miranda,
Thanks for your question.
It seems as if he still has feelings for you. But guys are all over the place at that age. We’re assuming you’re both around 19 or 20 and in college, which means he’s surrounded by temptation everywhere he goes. It takes a strong and very focused “boy” to be able to commit to a long distance relationship while living in the type of environment he’s living in. (We know that wasn’t specifically your question, but we’re getting there.)
The singular goal of most fraternities is to get as many girls coming through the door as they can. Which makes the temptation element even more heightened. We’re not saying this an excuse for a guy in a committed relationship to cheat. It’s absolutely not. But it certainly gives fraternity guys incentive to NOT be in a committed relationship.
As far as you transferring schools. We don’t recommend transferring because of this guy. If you truly think the school is a better match for your academic pursuits then by all means transfer. But if you’re changing schools because of this guy we don’t think that’s the greatest idea. Why? Because it means you’re the one putting the effort into trying to make this relationship work. He gets to stay at his college, be a fraternity boy, and have you come to “hang out.” And even if you do transfer there are no guarantees of anything working out. But of course, you have to make your own decision on that.
But having said that, we do think there is hope for this relationship. You’ve been close for a long time, and it’s obvious you care about one another. Even after you’ve broken up you’ve stayed in touch in one way or another. So we think this is a timing issue. Right now you’re both in college, exploring new opportunities and new experiences, as you should be. We think if you stay in touch, see each other when you can, maybe in a few years the two of you will reunite. We’ve seen this happen many times before.
However, we’re not saying you should pining away for him. In order for any type of reunion to happen—getting back together—you need to be open to meeting new people. You need to be out there dating and enjoying the single life. You need to be open to meeting someone else new. And who knows, maybe you’ll be surprised and meet someone else who is amazing?
But either way, if you’re not out doing these things, and he is, you’ll only feel resentful if the two of you do decide to give your relationship another shot.
We hope this gives you some insight into what’s going on. Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. Or a follow up question if you’d like.
Take care,
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!
My slip keeps showing; Is this causing an office relationship problem?
For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz
Some recent questions:
Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?
I cheated on him; should I tell him?
Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?
Is this an online romance or an online booty call?
Dear Guys,
I have been working as secretary to the managing director of a small firm in the UK for six weeks. I always wear a half slip under my dress for comfort and modesty but I have become aware of him watching me when reaching up to the top of high cabinets or when bending over low office furniture. Both of these moves cause my slip to show below my dress, although it does not normally show at other times.
Friday last week I made a bad choice of slip and was told once or twice by other girls as I walked round the office my slip was showing. Friday during lunchtime I took some paperwork to my bosses desk for a signature and after looking me up down he asked if I would join him for lunch. I accepted but was not completely comfortable with the arrangement. Lunch went well and he said that I had settled into the job well and enjoyed me being around. Walking back to his car from the restaurant he whispered to me that my slip was showing again. I felt embarrassed and said I was sorry but had put the wrong slip on in the morning. He said I shouldn’t worry; he said my slips are always very pretty and make me look very feminine.
Now I have never come up against this before. A friend has told me that some men do have a thing about ladies slips. My slips are very ordinary and are either white or cream for work. I try to look smart.
So from a guy’s point of view how do I stop this situation from developing further?
Regards. I’m worried.
Tina
Dear Tina,
Thanks for your question.
We’ve seen this situation before. You’re a woman trying to be a hard working, responsible employee and your male colleague—or in your case, your male boss—starts giving you looks, and then starts hitting on you. We acknowledge the difficulty here, and the frustration. The woman—you—says to herself: Why can’t guys treat me with more respect? Why do they keep objectifying me? Why can’t they just leave me alone and let me do my job? Why do I have to change MY behavior to get men to stop leering at me?
And you’d be right on all acounts. Even guys who try to be respectful are still guys. They might not be as obvious, but believe us the “good guys” are looking at you too. Guys are just wired to notice. And guys are wired to pursue.
Here’s the good news and the bad news: This has less to do with your slip and more to do with the fact that your boss finds you attractive in general. The “slip issue” might be adding fuel to the fire, but even if you were wearing something more demure, eventually he’d be asking you to lunch, and more. And of course this puts you in the uncomfortable position of either agreeing to his advances or possibly jeopardizing your job security by declining his invitations. (Hopefully it won’t ever get to that point.)
So what do we suggest?
We realize that you probably can’t change your wardrobe completely. The boss might take notice and wonder why you’re all of sudden sporting a new look—he would already know the answer but pretend he didn’t—which might cause some awkward tension between the two of you. But you might need to make a few adjustments and mix in some even more modest clothes to send a message that you are there to do work. (We know you already are, but guys are very literal when it comes to these issues.)
We’re not women’s designers, but isn’t there some sort of slip that you could wear that wouldn’t show when you reach up to those high shelves or low cabinets? We’d recommend looking into that. And then maybe try some stylish pantsuits? Or longer dresses? Less revealing tops, dresses? (Once again we can see how annoying this might be to have to spend more money on clothes.)
Also, you might want to make it clear you have a boyfriend. Maybe put a picture on your desk of the two of you? Something subtle but clear. If you don’t have one, get one of your good looking guy friends to pose with you. And then look for ways to tell everyone of your plans for weekends without making it obvious you’re addressing your boss. (Guys always know when a woman drops “her boyfriend” into a conversation, even if they know this guy could be made up. And some guys take offense if they think you are speaking to them directly, so make sure he’s not the only one in the audience.)
We also had another thought about this. We saw an episode of Californication where one of the female characters—who happens to be a Hollywood Actress in the episode—says, “The key to getting work in this town is to make all the male directors and producers think they have a chance to sleep with you, even if they don’t.” This is so true in that context, but a VERY difficult line to walk. We’re not sure how it applies to you, but it seems there’s always a bit of flirting going on even amongst colleagues who are in committed relationships. You are probably much more savvy when it comes to this than we are, but we can see you’re going to have to figure out how to walk this delicate line.
In conclusion, you need to do what’s comfortable for you. If the situation becomes unbearable, you could always approach senior management and see if they can help you resolve the issue. (Although in a small firm, there often is no upper management.) Or you could leave the job, which we don’t recommend, unless you leave with some sort of compensation. (Big compensation)
Hopefully this gives you a few perspectives to consider moving forward.
Unless something major has transpired since you wrote to us, we don’t see this situation as something that can’t be nipped before it goes any further.
Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section. And/or a question. And we’ll respond here as well.
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us.
Long Distance: I hardly know him, but I’m willing to give it a go
For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz
Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:
Long distance guy; is he worth it?
Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me
Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?
Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?
Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?
Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?
________________________
Hi Guys,
About five months ago I met a guy and we ended our night together. It was supposed to be a one night stand because we live in different countries and he was in my town only for one night. But before he left he asked for my e-mail.
We started writing e-mails which got longer every time. For example he sent me a letter one week; I replied to him the next week and he replied the week after and so on.
I tried to keep my feet on the ground and stay realistic because I thought we wouldn’t see each other, but then he said he would love to meet me again.
Finally, two months later he said that he might come to my town for a day or two. At the same time I kind of won a free ticket to his town. So I went there instead.
While I was there, he was so caring and sweet with me. When we were walking around in the city, he held my hand, hugged me in the metro, kissed while we were waiting for the traffic lights to turn green etc. Of course we had sex, too. All this time I felt how much he cared about me.
I stayed there for three days. Some hours before my departure I started to cry several times. I know, so silly of me, but I couldn’t do anything about it. He understood why I was crying and handled the situation well. I said “I’m sorry” and he said there’s no need for me to apologize for that.
When I was back in my town, I sent him an e-mail and said that I enjoyed the weekend a lot and he said he enjoyed it a lot too. After that I didn’t hear from him for a week. Meanwhile I moved to another country because of foreign studies.
I was so surprised that he didn’t wish me a nice trip or even ask how I was doing. And I wrote him an e-mail and said that everything was so nice while I was in his town and I asked him why he hardly contacts me. I wondered out loud if I got the wrong impression from him. He replied immediately and said that I didn’t get the wrong impression and that he likes me a lot, but he’s been very busy at school.
We still send e-mails to each other but he doesn’t say sweet things to me anymore. He’s just friendly and nice, but that’s all.
I don’t want to ask him what he thinks about me and the situation because right now there’s not much potential for a relationship. First off, it would definitely be a long-distance relationship. Second of all, we have only seen each other twice. (The first evening and then our weekend). And third, at the moment we haven’t seen each other for two months and won’t be able to meet again before three months. And I don’t know if he still wants to meet me then.
I know that you know only my version of this story—I tried to put in as little emotions as possible in order to give a good overview of the situation–but I want to meet him again. I would expect him to come to visit me this time, but if he asked me to go and visit him, I would also go.
But I can’t invite myself to his place. Besides I think that if a man really likes a woman, then he should do everything possible to see her. What should I do? Wait for him to visit me or ask me to visit him? Or bring up the subject myself?
I understand perfectly that it wouldn’t be normal to have a relationship, especially a long-distance relationship when we hardly know each other. But I would be ready to give it a try.
I also know that you can’t answer this question, but what do you think, does he want to be just friends with me or something more?
Thanks!
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
Thanks for your question.
We understand what you’re asking, but it’s hard to know exactly what this guy is thinking. But we can talk about your situation in the context of long distance relationships in general.
A long distance relationship requires even more effort and more communication than a typical relationship where two people live in the same town or city. Both people need to be 100% on board or they just don’t work.
Your guy seems genuine enough. From what you describe he’s been pretty sweet to you overall. But it also sounds like he’s busy, and either can’t think about much else besides school, or doesn’t want to get involved in a relationship that he doesn’t see as having a future. A long distance relationship is supposed to be a atemporary arrangement as the two people work toward being together in the same location at some point down the road—sooner rather than later. If both parties don’t have that goal in mind then eventually the relationship will fizzle out.
For some guys, a long distance relationship is the perfect situation, especially if they can work it so they don’t have to communicate that often. For these guys a long distance relationship means getting to do what they want most of the time, and then having a woman visit for a “booty call.”
You say you don’t want to say anything to this guy, but you’re probably going to have to at some point if you want answers. We agree that if you tell him how you feel it could end the relationship. But by the same token, is that worse or better than being in the situation you’re in right now? Your gut is telling you something has changed. You’re worried that he really only sees you as a friend now. So instead of fretting about this, and living in a cloud of uncertainty, why don’t you just talk to him?
We agree that he should be the one taking the initiative. He should be the one suggesting visits and coming to see you. Sure, he might be open to having you come to see him, but that doesn’t mean he wants to be in a serious relationship with you. You need to find out from him what he wants. You need to hear him say whether or not he wants to give this a go.
We feel the same way you do about relationships. It’s hard to find someone special. And since you feel like you have, we understand why you want to explore it further. We wish you the best of luck. Please keep us posted.
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us.
Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel
Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile
Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)
Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)
Getting Played – Trust your Gut
Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?
Dear Readers,
Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz
Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.
Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)
THE GUYS
For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz
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I suggested Friends with Benefits; Did I just dig myself into a hole?
Hey Guys,
So there’s this guy that I’ve known since 3rd grade and we’ve always been really close. He wanted to date me our freshman year in high school but got too scared that it would ruin our friendship and never asked me out. (He still doesn’t know to this day that I know about this.)
I left after sophomore year when we were 16/17 to move to Boston to become a dancer and now I live in NYC. This past summer I came home. It was three years since I last saw him. (We’re now both 20.) When I saw him this summer we caught up hung out a couple times and we ended up sleeping together. I left to come back to NYC in september and we’ve been texting ever since.
Now he’s coming to visit. I’m really nervous and I’m wondering if he’s just coming to the city to see the sites and get laid. Or is he actually coming also to see me? I’m from AZ and he still lives there now so it cost a lot for him to buy a plane ticket to come up here. (He even had to borrow money from his dad.)
Does he actually like me and want to see me or is he just excited to come to the city and possibly getting laid is the icing on the cake? To me, spending all that money and getting off work and stuff says something. But maybe I’m just being a hopeful girl. Also could it turn into something more? I know long distance relationships are hard, but would a guy really be willing to do that? I’m so nervous and confused right now. Please help!
Brittany
Dear Brittany,
Thanks for your question. We can see that you’re nervous. That’s pretty normal. You like this guy and would like to see if things can progress beyond a physical relationship. And of course you hope he feels the same way.
It’s hard to say exactly what his motivation for visiting you is. Sex will absolutely be part of his expectation for the trip. His drive to have sex is so intertwined with his excitement to come see you that he’s probably having difficulty separating the two himself. In fact it’s likely he doesn’t even know exactly what’s driving him, and he won’t know until after the two of you have been intimate. (If that’s what you decide to do, which is up to you of course.)
Assuming you decide to sleep with him, pay careful attention to how he acts right AFTER you have sex—especially the first time. And by “right after” we mean, RIGHT AFTER and for the next 8 hrs. (Meaning, until his libido kicks back in. It’s different for every guy.) If he’s distant, or acts differently, you’ll know he’s probably driven mainly by his interest in sex. If he still is happy to be with you, and wants to go out on the town with you, hold your hand, and spend time with you beyond the confines of your bedroom then you’ll know he’s got more on his mind than getting in your pants.
These next four paragraphs are just general information about guys Brittany. They are for your information and for all of the other women who might be reading this.
Some women believe that making a guy wait for sex is the way you get them to commit. And this may be true for the short term. If a guy wants to have sex with a woman he will do whatever it takes to make it happen, which means acting sweet, giving her presents, and doing all the things that his woman might like him to do. But a guy is still waiting to make his final evaluation until after he has sex with a woman. Meaning, the way he acts BEFORE sex does not determine how he’ll be AFTER sex. For a guy, sex is often needed for him to make a conscious decision about moving forward or not.
But this is tricky. You also can’t secure a guy’s love through sex. So sleeping with a guy to get him to love you or commit to you, will also not work. And in many cases it will push him away. It’s a fine and mysterious balance. We don’t have all the answers.
Finally, wanting sex all the time is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, having a healthy sex life with your partner is a very important piece of an overall healthy relationship. But both parties need to be giving in the bedroom as well. If your guy is not giving in the bedroom this will be a strong indicator of how he is in everyday life.
Bottom line: You have to do what’s comfortable for you. Every relationship is different. But you should never be pressured into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Go with your gut.
Enough on that topic. Moving on.
Yes, guys are willing to try a long distance relationship Brittany. You’ve probably heard that guys are incapable of being faithful in this type of relationship but that’s a crock of crap. It’s just an excuse for guys to be selfish and do whatever they please. Many guys are loyal and faithful. So don’t let that stop you if you believe you and this guy have a chance for something more.
Our advice: Take it slow. Keep your eyes open. Trust your gut. Introduce him to your friends. Listen to your friends’ opinions. And talk to him. Sure we know most people don’t want to show their hand, but in order for a long distance relationship to have any chance at all, it requires a ton of communication from both parties. And when you’re apart, texting is okay, but phone conversations or Skype are best.
Feel free to give us an update and ask us a follow up question. Leave your question in the comments section of this post.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us.
Summer Fling or Boyfriend?
Dear Readers,
Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz
Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict
Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.
Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)
THE GUYS
For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz
Some recent questions:
Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow up)
He’s not willing to commit; where is this going?
What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented
Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him
Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No Boundaries)
Hi Guys,
I just finished university this year and a guy who I had a class with in first semester (Sept-Dec) started messaging me out of the blue back in April just “to say hi.” I was really surprised to hear from him because it was so random, but I did respond and we continued to chat via Facebook until about June. We kept trying to make plans but all the work at the end of the semester it was too much for either of us to get together!
He had a big get together with a lot of his friends on the night of our convocation and he invited me to come out for it. There was a lot of people there but we ended up sitting by ourselves chatting. He also introduced me to his friends when they came over to talk with us. He was supposed to be going away for a month shortly after graduating and while he was gone I was leaving for another two months to travel. Because of that, even though I was interested in him, I didn’t think anything substantial would really develop between us. We have really good chemistry and we had a really fun night and ended up hooking up, which I of course now totally regret.
As it turned out, he ended up breaking his leg and he wasn’t able to go away. So because he didn’t end up leaving he continued to call/text me to hang out. I wasn’t always able to (so I wasn’t always available) and he was pretty consistent and I guess we fell into some sort of ‘friends with benefits’ relationship without me really thinking about what I really wanted. I figured that while I was traveling we would just lose contact.
Just before I left, he texted me that he would miss spending time with me and that he really enjoyed seeing me, which I really appreciated, and I told him that I’d miss him too. While I was gone we still stayed in touch through email and Facebook, which was really nice. We were both pretty consistent about staying in contact.
I came back almost three weeks ago and as soon as he knew I was back he messaged, texted, and called me immediately! I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship I wanted with him—FWB, boyfriend or just platonic—and I did want to talk to him about that, but I was kind of afraid to because I do remember in a conversation we had once he mentioned that he wasn’t sure if he was good boyfriend material. He does confide a lot of very personal info with me and that came up in passing. So at any rate, I haven’t had that conversation with him as of yet. Since I’ve been back we’ve been in pretty regular contact but it feels different, more complacent now. He doesn’t call as much and he tends to stick with texting.
He’s doing his PhD at the moment so he’s pretty swamped with school and he’s not going out as much as he was in the summer. But recently he did go to an event that he told me about but didn’t invite me to. It wasn’t something where tickets had to be bought well in advance because he was trying to get an extra ticket for one of his friends on the day of. I know he’s pretty good friends with his best friend’s girlfriend and sometimes he’ll hang out with her. (I’m quite positive they have a platonic relationship – he’s very loyal to his guy friends so I don’t think there’s intimacy between him and this other girl – she’s crazy about her boyfriend.) So I think in part he might not have asked me to go with him because he might have been going with her already.
I don’t usually initiate getting together with him because he usually does the initiating but since I’ve been back I’ve only seen him twice despite still at least texting each other almost every day. And the last time I hung out with him I initiated the get together. And it was because I’m in the process of moving and I needed a place to crash, and he said I could stay with him. But that night when I was staying with him I was beginning to wonder if he was going to get bored with our relationship and it would fizzle out. I usually just go to his place and hang out with him there when I do see him. So in that regard he isn’t putting as much effort in anymore.
Two friends and I are having a joint birthday party in a couple weeks and so of course I sent out a FB invite to him for the event. (A lot of people are invited, so it is pretty casual.) He said (via text) that it sounded like a night not to be missed.(Implying that he would attend.) But on the FB RSVP he still hasn’t responded and I’m wondering if he is not wanting to commit, or if he’s waiting for something better. I know he’s been online and he knows about the event but hasn’t responded.
So… I’m confused. He seems to be interested in me, he continues to be in contact with me, I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else on the side. (I can pretty much come over when I want, so long as he’s not in class.) And I know he cares about me—he’s told me, and he’s very affectionate with me; he kisses me repeatedly on the forehead & cheek when we’re lying in bed together; and he will hold my hand in public. But on the other hand, I almost wonder if he’s keeping me in the shadows of his life. I’ve only been back a few weeks and I don’t think I’ve given us enough time to really assess the nature of our relationship, especially considering he’s doing his PhD, and I do know he’s swamped. But things are different than before.
What should I make of him?? I’m trying to just let him chase me but at the same time I wonder if he’s bored. If he’s bored wouldn’t he just stop contact completely?
Thanks!
Alice
Dear Alice,
Thanks for your note.
We don’t think the question is whether or not he’s bored. Guys don’t get bored from hanging out and having sex. In fact, a guy could easily stay in a “hang out and have sex” type of relationship for years, especially if he was busy with his career or studies. The problem with this type of arrangement—or we should say, one of the many problems with this type of arrangement—is that it typically never goes anywhere. The guy gets lazier and lazier over time, and starts making less effort to do more than the status quo, and consequently the woman gets more and more frustrated and confused. Eventually it kind of just fizzles away.
Don’t panic yet, Alice. Your situation hasn’t reached these proportions, but it’s headed there fast. We’re sure you’ve read these books that lay out certain rules that women and men should follow when starting a relationship. And while they certainly apply in some cases, each situation is different. In your case, the time to let him do the pursuing is over. You’ve known him over a year, been “hanging out” with him over six months, and you’re still in the exact same place, except now you want to know what’s going on. Well, we can’t blame you.
It’s time to have THE CONVERSATION. Yes, the dreaded conversation that defines what you have together. As uncomfortable as this may be, you need to get some answers from him, otherwise this situation will go on interminably. Because what motivation does he have to change it? He’s pretty much getting what he wants: a nice diversion from his busy life with a sweet and pretty girl. And in fact, the more we think about it the more this guy sounds like a possible player. His comment early on to you—”I’m not really boyfriend material.”—speaks volumes about where he’s at, and it really set the table for the type of arrangement you’re currently in with him.
And this thought just struck us: There’s a big difference between a relationship and an arrangement. One is robust and full of life, and the other is all business. You need to find out which one you’re in. Stop worrying about what he wants, and whether or not he’s going to get bored, and start focusing on what you want. You may not even know exactly what that is until you talk with him. You deserve some answers Alice, but the only way you’re going to get them is to talk to him.
Good luck. We’re hoping this works out the way you want it to. But if not, every relationship you have will better inform you for the future. Just remember to be clear about what makes YOU happy and satisfied.
THE GUYS
ps. Join us on Twitter for real time conversation. And let your friends know about us.
He asks ME to call HIM
Dear Readers,
Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz
Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict
Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.
Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)
THE GUYS
For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz
Some recent questions:
Friends with benefits: why me?
Kissing Cousins: Should we date?
Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow up)
He’s not willing to commit; where is this going?
What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented
Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him
Hi Guys!
Thanks a lot for reading my message.
I met this good looking guy at a party before summer vacation. He asked for my number and my email before we said bye. Then he asked if I would call him. This question confused me, but I said yes. He never called me or anything.
One month later I sent him a friendly text message. He never replied. So, I didn’t do anything more. I saw him the first week of classes after the summer. I just said hi in a friendly way. Two days later I received an email. I replied 4 days later, but he never replied back. Then I saw him on a party a week ago. I said hi and we started talking. In less than 10 minutes, he asked if he could visit my lab at school. Also, he made plans to go the library with me, but again he asked me to call him or send him a message. Very directly, I told him, “I’m not going to do it because you don’t reply.” He said, fine he would call. Of course he never called or replied.
My instinct tells me to forget him. He seems not as interested as he appears to be when he sees me. I just need a confirmation please. Also, before I forget, a friend who knows him told me that he is shy, but I can’t believe this, because he starts hitting on me in less than 10 min. of the conversation.
Is he a pathological player or what?
Thanks again guys,
Winterflake
Dear Winterflake,
Thanks for you question.
Your instincts are right. This guy is a waste of time and energy. He might be attracted to you, but he’s not interested enough to do much about it. (And forget the whole shy angle. He’s not shy. He’s used to women coming after him.)
And let’s just say for some reason the two of you actually started dating. Can you imagine the frustration in dealing with someone who doesn’t communicate well? This guy doesn’t follow through, he doesn’t keep his word, and he’s complacent and apathetic.
We say, move on.
And oh, here’s a good general rule: Guys should be the ones pursuing AND calling.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz.
Why is he not asking me out?
Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
THE GUYS
Some recent questions:
I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced
Dating an older guy: What are we?
If actions speak louder than words, what happened?
This guy’s actions are confusing
Showing too much love to my sister
He talks about having sex with my friends
Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?
Dear Guys,
I recently met a guy at work. He had transferred from our company’s UK office to my office in Sydney about 3 months ago. He showed an interest in me from the very beginning – in and out of the office. In the office, he would find excuses to talk to me even though we weren’t working in the same department. Outside the office—we went to the pub a few times with other colleagues— he simply couldn’t keep his hands off me; he would rub my knees and arms as we talked, not paying attention to anyone else there. Everyone in the office knew he liked me.
At first I wasn’t interested in him; I was actually interested in another guy in the office. (But very few people knew about it). The thought of flirting with him to get the other guy jealous did cross my mind but I didn’t think it would be fair to him so I kept that to a minimum. He never tried to “hide his feelings” for me. During a game of Beer-pong at work on a Friday evening, he had his hands on me the whole time and didn’t seem to care that everyone in the office saw that. He even put his hand on my butt at one time but I slapped it away.
Recently I find myself starting to like him. He’s a good-looking guy and definitely knows how to work his charms on women when he wants to. I’ve also been assigned to manage a few of the projects that he sold. He would “micro-manage” those projects with me just so that he could talk to me. When we’re talking business, there’s always quite a bit of flirting. But the thing is, he never asked me out. I even hinted to him that I wanted to see a show, creating a chance for him to ask me out but he didn’t.
Just over a week ago we were going to watch a game together with two of our colleagues who both backed out in the last minute, so it ended up being just the two of us. (There were two other people we were supposed to meet up with but he never called them.) After the game he kissed me. We then went to a pub where we talked and kissed again. He’s a good kisser and the kisses we shared were very passionate. He asked me what my dreams were and whether or not I wanted a family. Later that evening he walked me to the station where we kissed goodbye. I was quite surprised that he didn’t suggest coming home with me as I had suspected he was only after sex.
That was a week and half ago and he has not asked me out again since. (The truth is, he never did ask me out – the game date was an “accident.”) He still flirts with me at work and will come over to my desk any chance he gets to talk to me. When we are alone in the office kitchen, he will try and get physically very close to me that I have to back away because I don’t think it is appropriate.
So why is he not asking me out? I’m so frustrated and confused.
Thanks in advance!
Helen
Dear Helen,
Thanks for your question.
In some ways work is a great place to meet someone. It’s very different from a bar or a party where the “hope,” or at least the “thought,” that you might meet some great new person is always in the air. Work allows people to gradually get to know each other and really understand each other on many levels. So inevitably feelings develop between people. However, not everyone is comfortable pursuing those feelings and taking them to the next level.
However, this guy doesn’t seem to care about that. Sure he’s given you some mixed messages, but the majority of the time he’s got his hands all over you. In our minds this would connote a player. And that could be the reason he’s not asking you out. Because even though he didn’t ask to come up to your apartment the night the two of you “went out,” this doesn’t mean his goal is anything other than getting you in bed. Players who are really good don’t necessarily jump at the first opportunity. Instead they play it cool, even so far as to inquire about the future.
First of all tell this guy in no uncertain terms that he should not be touching you during work. It’s unprofessional and not cool. Then you need to have a chat with him and let him know you would be open to him asking you out. After that, play it cool and see what happens. Who knows, maybe he’s still not sure where you’re at since you weren’t interested in him right away. Maybe he feels you’re fickle, and that he’s really your second choice. This would explain a lot. If a guy feels like he’s more of an afterthought he might not be too excited to get into a serious relationship, but it certainly wouldn’t stop him from pursuing the same woman as a Booty Call. Remember, the male ego doesn’t often forget. And if his has been wounded it’s constantly reminding him of that fact.
Let us know which one he is: Wounded Warrior or Playa!
Good luck.
THE GUYS
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Break up confusion: Why did he do this?
Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:
Getting Played: Trust your Gut
Getting Played: Listen to your friends
Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.
Dear Friends,
Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.
Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.)
For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.
If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.
Thanks again,
THE GUYS
Some recent questions:
My boyfriend used to date one of my friends
He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?
Dating divorced guy who is still in pain
Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?
Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?
Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)
Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?
Breakup then friends: What’s he thinking?
Guys,
I’ve been in an off and on relationship for the last eight years. It’s been more on than off until the last year and a half or so and then our “breaks” have lasted a month or two. Every time we split it seems to be something different, but it’s always the same pattern. I think he’s running away from any problems or conflicts we have instead of staying and communicating about it. He pushes me away and says the most hurtful things when we’re ending, and then always comes back and apologizes and says he never meant them, and just needed space to think about what he really wanted.
This most recent time —about a month ago— was the final straw for me. Everything was going well, and then out of nowhere he told me that he needed time to think about whether he was ready to settle down and commit. I asked him if that’s what it really was or if he was interested in another woman. (This has been a problem in the past.) He assured me that it was just pure confusion. This conversation was the last I heard from him.
This week I found out that he’s been seeing someone new for the last 3-4 weeks and thats she’s pretty much living with him in his newly built house that he’s been promising was “ours” the entire time it was being built. He finished it up, ended things with me, and moved in with this new girl.
So then why include me in all the decisions, and talk about kids and puppies if you were never planning on me being there? Why can’t guys just say what they want? If he didn’t want to be with me, why did he keep dragging me in and out of this? I know I played a part in it because I let it happen, but still, does he not have a conscience? Why just disappear for a month without saying I’m finished, and want to move on? Why do guys start new relationships so quickly, if this is even a relationship? Is she a fling or the real deal?
She’s quite a few years younger and I feel like if he’s not ready to commit she’s the perfect escape because she won’t be expecting that yet, and nobody will be pressuring him to settle down with her now. But I don’t get her living with him except for the convenience of a booty call. I’m crushed over this and he doesn’t even seem to care at all. Is he really that heartless and cruel or is this how all guys handle breakups? It seems so cruel and not human to act like this to someone you supposedly cared about for so long and were telling that you love them up until the end.
I know what I need to do at this point but just wanted some insight into what I feel are extremely confusing incidents and actions on his part.
Thanks,
Sam
Dear Sam,
Thanks for writing to us.
We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time right now. No one deserves to be treated the way you were treated, but betrayal happens more than you’d expect. And when a person is betrayed by a loved one the hurt is even deeper.
People observing from the outside usually see it coming–this would include family and friends. And honestly, we’re kind of surprised you didn’t see this whole scenario unfolding. Sure, love is blind, and blinding, but after a tumultuous eight years—one filled with many indiscretions on his part: other women—you had to know it wasn’t going to end well.
Guys are certainly guilty of their share of bad break ups but not all guys are like that. It sounds like your guy was already an established cheater, or at least a meanderer, so it only makes sense that his dishonest, and uncaring streak continued with the break up. If he was pursuing other women during the time you were together, he certainly would have no problem making you promises, only to break them later. And the fact that he says hurtful things to you when you separate each time is also a major red flag and a good indicator he’s not someone you can trust.
You say you know what you need to do, but there’s more to think about than moving beyond this relationship. Going forward you need to think about what kept you in this relationship for so long, and how that thinking impacts your next relationship. Because eight years is a long time to put up with uncertainty, indecision, and lies. You don’t want to fall into the same pattern the next time around.
We have faith that you will grow from this sadness, and be a stronger person for it. Break ups are painful, even when people believe it’s the right decision. Hang in there. And know that this man, and this relationship, was not right for you.
Take care,
THE GUYS
ps. Leave us a follow up comment and let us know how things are going for you. Join us on Facebook. Or You Tube.
Relationship Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Getting Played-Trust your Gut
Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
THE GUYS
For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter. We just joined the party. @TGPBuzz
Read the script:
We get lots of questions each week on our website. We answer them on the Ask the Guys page, on our podcast, The Guy’s Perspective Podcast on itunes, and soon to be on videos. One of the main questions we get is, “am I getting played?”
Our basic rule is, If you think you’re getting played, it’s likely you’re getting played…….
We believe you need to listen to your gut. It’s telling you something, like it does after you pig out on ice cream and truffles waiting for him to call. He doesn’t call. Unfortunately, he’s out with the cute twins down the street. But those five scoops of double fudge chocolate do taste pretty good going down, but not so good after the hours at the gym required to restore your natural order, although it is nice to catch up on those daytime soaps you missed.
If you’re still fighting your gut, open your eyes and be your own detective. Not a stalker……Not a stalker….. Here are some things to look for.
Does your guy go unaccounted for….hours at a time….or even days?
Is he taking trips with the guys to places like Vegas or Miami Beach, saying he’s going to play the slots, hang with his boys, and just chill? “Chill”
He won’t let you come to his house will he? (no entrance sign) Only meets you at yours. Or at the local dive. Hey, you’re cool. You can hang with the regulars..but not his friends.
What, you haven’t met his friends?
Seriously. You haven’t met his friends?
Is he too busy at work to call you? He only texts you doesn’t he. He won’t friend you on Facebook. Says he’s never on there anyway. Tell that to his two thousand contacts.
Probably forgets about your dates occasionally. Then apologizes profusely. But does it again. And again.
Doesn’t matter. He never has enough money to pay the tab anyway. That’s when he even takes you out. What you don’t like his pirated video collection?
He’s out of town for work a lot isn’t he? But you never seem to get all the details. Just some new embroidered towels and a pack of exotic matches, which he keeps borrowing from you when he stinks up your bathroom….after he shows up around midnight just to “hang out.”
You get the picture. You do get the picture don’t you?
So open your eyes and see what’s in front of you. What’s that? No, sorry you can’t go through his phone. You can’t go through his computer. Remember, you’re not a stalker.
Are you seriously thinking about going through his emails? Stop! You can’t do that. Think about what you’re contemplating. And what are you going to do with the evidence? You can’t use it to fix your relationship. Well, I guess you could use it to expose him on Facebook. Hmmm….that might be useful after all. And he’ll never find out, since he’s never on there anyway.
But really, if you’re contemplating this line of action don’t you think things have already reached the point of no return…like agreeing to a threesome, only to have him fall for number three?
Is this really a relationship you’ve got going? Or some kind of farce…. like an election that needs a recount. Or lip synching. Or some dog that ends in doodle. If you won’t believe your gut then at least believe your friends. They know better than you. But we’ll save that for next time.
Subscribe to our blog, podcast, or You Tube channel. Thanks.
And until next time. Keep those eyes open.
He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex
If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.
Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.
Thanks so much.
Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.
Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:
Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.
Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.
Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?
Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?
Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?
Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”
Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.
TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves
Last week’s questions:
Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex
Break up confusion; will he come back?
Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?
Is he my boyfriend or am I just booty call?
Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship
This week’s questions:
Long distance guy; is he worth it?
Can this grow into something more?
Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?
Dear Guys,
I went to prom with my best friend, and my boyfriend Toby got mad about it. I see Toby every Saturday and Wednesday and usually one other night a week.
About once a month I like going to concerts or something big with one of my other friends but I hang out with them on a weekly basis too. My boyfriend has a friend named Lyndsay that he hangs out with and they are best friends. And I have a guy named Joel that I like to hang out with but I told Toby, my boyfriend, that I was planning on going to a concert with Joel and he got mad, and started on about how his life is hell and how I am selfish and don’t give him my all.
What should I do?
Kayla
Dear Kayla,
Thanks for your question. Hmm….what should you do?
First of all you need to figure out what you really want. Do you want to be free to do anything you want, with anyone you want, anytime you want, or do you want to be involved with your boyfriend? We’re not saying the two are necessarily mutually exclusive, but relationships require a certain degree of give and take, as well as empathy; and that doesn’t sound like it’s happening in your relationship with your boyfriend. It doesn’t feel like either of you are taking each others’ feelings into account when you go out with your friends, especially friends of the opposite sex. It’s natural for him to be jealous. Most guys would feel a degree of jealousy if their girlfriend started hanging out with some other guy, even if they were told he was just a friend. Guys know guys. Or rather, a dog knows a dog.
The degree of jealousy is the issue here. Healthy jealousy is not always a bad thing. Toby is showing you that he cares about you. However, it can easily slip into the unhealthy realm, which can lead to all sorts of dramatic, unsavory, and even dangerous behaviors. One of the ways to address jealousy is to talk about it. Sit Toby down and find out why he feels jealous. Let him talk about his feelings. And then try to explain where you’re coming from, and why you need space to hang out with your friends too. He needs to allow you that freedom, and it’s a tricky balance. Often it’s what a woman is doing with the other guy that is the problem. If you were just having coffee and talking to your boy friends that would be one thing, but if you’re going out dancing and to dinner with them that’s another thing entirely. Having friends of the opposite sex is a great thing, but these friends shouldn’t replace the emotional connection you have with your boyfriend. And you shouldn’t be doing activities that fall under the boyfriend and girlfriend category like: dancing, dinners, vacations, etc.
If the the two of you can’t work this out, maybe both of you aren’t ready to be in a relationship with each other; or maybe the two of you don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship at all. You’re young. There’s nothing wrong with just enjoying being single, or dating casually. Either way this will all work itself out if you the two of you have a nice sit down and talk things through.
Please keep us posted.
THE GUYS
Please share on Facebook and Twitter. And subscribe to our feed. Thanks.
Is he my boyfriend or am I just a booty call?
If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.
Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.
Thanks so much.
Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.
Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:
Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.
Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.
Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?
Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?
Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?
Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”
Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.
TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves
This week’s questions:
Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex
Break up confusion; will he come back?
Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?
Here are last week’s questions:
Is he stubborn or just not that into me?
The Gym Guy: Is he interested?
Dating and Deployment: Should I start a relationship?
Dear Guys,
I started talking to this guy about four months ago. We started having sex and then just recently he started calling himself my boyfriend. He knows that’s what I’ve wanted from the beginning.
Would this guy go to the trouble to come here and spend time with me talking, before and after sex, putting his head on my chest and tickling me, and stuff like that if I’m just a booty call?
We are both divorced and both of us have kids, so going out on dates is hard. I’m worried that I may just be a stand by, or only a booty call?
Rae
Dear Rae,
Thanks for writing to us.
It seems like he’s your boyfriend, but we can understand why you’re unsure.
The signs that say he is your bother would be: He enjoys coming over; you spend quality time together; he wants to interact with you beyond just having sex; you care for him, and he cares for you. But that doesn’t mean he is actually your boyfriend, even if he says he is.
We think you need to gather some more information about him.
What’s he doing when he’s not with you? We’re not saying you should be suspicious, but if he is your boyfriend, it seems that you should know a little more about him. What does he do for work? Who are his friends? Have you met them? Have you met his family? How about his kids? Have you met them? Does he coach their games? Is he involved in their lives? All of these things will provide you with more answers.
Just because he rubs your tummy and tickles you before and after sex doesn’t make him your boyfriend. A guy will do almost anything for sex. What makes him your boyfriend is your emotional connection with him, and the bond you form on a day to day basis. What else? How about the two of you working on good communication and establishing trust. Those are the pieces that need to be in place so you don’t feel so unsure about where you stand with him. Rae, it’s almost like you’re eating the wild berries before you’ve figured out if they’re poisonous or not.
So talk to him. Tell him about yourself. Learn about him. Start to get to know each other beyond just the physical realm.
And even though it’s hard, we recommend you go out on some real dates with him. Maybe once every two weeks to start, even if it’s just for a few hours. It could be during the day or at night. Whenever you can manage to get a babysitter. That will be a nice change from your normal routine. And we guarantee you’ll feel much less like a booty call if you start to put some of these pieces in place.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
TGP Episode 25: Relationship questions and answers
During this episode we address some of the many questions we’ve received in the last few weeks. If you have a question for us, please contact us through the “Ask the Guys” page on our website, or at: 347-855-GUYS.
Here are some of this episode’s questions.
Ex-boyfriend problem.
The age difference
Is he interested?
Is 17 too young to fall in love?
Cheerleader
Am I a booty call?
Dear Guys,
First, thank you in advance for your time!
I am 41, physically attractive and fit female (look 10 years younger), mechanical engineer (but no longer in the field). No kids. Very social, love travelling, love other cultures, and have a great time with friends. Two divorces, 16 years apart (second one not yet final, been dragging for months with asset division but marriage has been dead for a long time). I am white/native american. I am spiritual but not religious – I do a lot of meditating, kirtan, etc (which is in line with my boyfriend’s upbringing). HE is 25 (no, the age gap wasn’t intentional, each thought the other was 30-ish initially til we actually talked age). East Indian, but born in the US. Hindu. Never married, one other girlfriend in the past (Muslim girl, total disaster), several dates, but no other serious relationships. Constantly surrounded by women (all friends) and his facebook shows it. Life of the party. Still finding his way with respect to career. WE have an insane amount of common interests and lifestyle. I’ve been extremely encouraging regarding career options, academics, etc. I’ve carried more than my weight financially in the relationship. He has the keys to my house, my cars, and, frankly, my heart. He still goes back to his apartment (that I’m not allowed to enter) most nights of the week (no, not a girl there -he has a male roommate that I know). We have been dating for almost six months, he asked me to be his girlfriend almost three months ago. He DOES introduce me to his local friends. His family DOES NOT have one single clue about me, even though they live part time in this same town. His younger brother and some cousins are the only ones that can see his facebook (his parents are blocked). Still, while I am tagging photos of us and writing nice things about him occasionally on my “wall” he has not written one single thing about me on his. He still lists himself as single. Tonight, in my frustration, I did the same.
Until now, I have made a point to be complimentary, do all the “little things” to foster a good, secure relationship, give him massages and hugs and kisses every day…basically he’s got it pretty easy. Last week I even looked up online how to write “I love you” in Gujarati, his native language, and gave it to him. I sent him an e-card for Diwali end of October. But I cannot be around any of his family. He is currently in Vegas for an Indian wedding (on his dad’s side). After he delayed a phone call to me by three hours (he admitted that every time he felt his phone vibrate he knew it was me wondering why he hasn’t called), he stepped out to return my call. I told him that if I wasn’t such a big secret then he COULD answer texts or calls in front of the family. He said I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is right now. I asked for how long. He said he doesn’t know, but that’s the way it is. This is the second time in two weeks I’ve brought it up that I am upset about his family not knowing about me/us.
He’s been absolutely wonderful in every other area – very positive and supportive through the uncertainties of my divorce, encouraging me in my own rental business and in life in general, etc. The only problems are 1) me being a secret, and 2) not returning texts and calls. As I type this, I feel like an idiot, like the writing is on the wall – I am nothing more than a sugar momma or a booty call for him, and he just acts nice in other times to keep the supply coming. But there is still one shred of me that wonders if it IS a cultural thing, if he IS waiting for the right moment to tell them about me (when they are not disappointed in his failure to start a career?). But I am short on time biologically, and I need some advice on whether I should wait it out or cut and run.
Thanks again!! Sorry for the length of the question!
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
Thanks for writing to us.
We hate to be the bearers of unpleasant news, but it sounds like your assessment is probably accurate. We wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re only a “booty” call, but the current situation is unlikely to change.
You sound like a smart, loving, and giving person. We’re sure he appreciates all of those qualities in you. Based on his limited experience, you’re probably a breath of fresh air for him. We’re sure he’s learning a lot on how to have a relationship, among other things, but we doubt that he’s thinking of you as someone long term. Remember, he could merrily go on his way for years with you and still not even be thirty. We don’t think that’s something you want to do since you mention your biological clock.
The best thing to do is tell him how you feel and ask him directly where he sees your relationship going. The problem is, not only is he only 25, but he’s an inexperienced 25. For guys, that’s right around the time where they start to catch up to women from a maturity standpoint. (It takes us a bit longer.) So his head may be at a completely different place in two years or five years. If he asks you to be patient, and tells you he plans to tell his family at some point, you have to decide if you want to wait.
His heritage may be playing a factor here, but if it is, it’s not the biggest factor. It’s more likely the difference in your age, and life experience. It’s never a good thing when someone hides their relationship from their family. He should want to tell everyone he knows how wonderful, cool, and hot his new girlfriend is. The fact that he’s not doing that now, doesn’t bode well for the future.
Please speak with him. And good luck. We wish you the best.
THE GUYS
ps. If any of you have relationship questions, leave us a note on the “Ask the Guys” page here on our website. Or call us at: 347-855-GUYS and leave us a message. We’ll try to answer your question here or on our podcast. We do our best, but can’t always get to every question.
Will he come back?
Hey Guys,
I feel funny writing this but I am looking anywhere for answers and understanding.
My boyfriend of 2 years and I were having some conflicts and he started to push me away and stopped calling or wanting to see me as often. We had a reasonably healthy relationship in which we did our own things during the week and then hung out with one or the other of our families on the weekends. We always had a great time together and really were the best of friends. His sister-in-law is my best friend and she and his brother introduced us.
After many conversations of trying to “fix” our relationship, he would make plans with me and then wind up blowing me off by not following through or making other plans knowing I would get angry. This would lead to one argument after another.
He always seemed to regret doing this to me but I know that actions speak louder than words. A couple months back, our communication was not so strong anymore but he came to me one night and told me that he missed me – his best friend, he felt empty and PROMISED to fix us and tell me he loves me everyday for the rest of his life.
Unfortunately, things did not get better and we fell back into the same routine. I found myself turning into the helpless girl who was crying and begging. I always trusted this guy with everything and NEVER thought there was someone else BUT about 2 weeks ago I found out that although he was still telling me he loved me and seeing me, he has begun a relationship with a younger girl who is also a bartender at a cheap bar at the beach. I asked him a couple of times before I found this out if he was seeing someone else or if he considered himself single. He always said no and told me he didn’t want anyone else, he was just confused and didn’t know what he wanted but that he knew he wasn’t okay without me.
After I found out about this girl, she wrote me messages on facebook about how happy and in love they are and that I need to stay out of it because I don’t know him the way she does. The thing that throws me off is he was apologizing to me quite a bit for allowing us to get to this point before I found out…. then just the Saturday before I found out (on Tuesday) he called me crying and upset asking me how I felt about us, telling me that he missed me and loved me and that he is “never okay”.
I have not talked to him since the day I found out… he was very cold in our conversation and even tried to deny everything until he realized that he could not deny it as I had proof. I am still desperately in love with this man but I know that I deserve much better.
I have been working on moving on, going to therapy, going out and meeting new friends. Just this past weekend, 10 days after my world crumbled, he called me 3 times on Friday night… I didn’t answer or return his calls. He called me from a different number the following night 3 times in a row again. I have still not acknowledged his phone calls but I am dying inside. I want to talk to him and I want acknowledgement for how badly he has hurt me but I also want him to realize that he has screwed up and come back begging for my forgiveness.
The hardest part of all of this is this is NOT the person I knew… he would never hurt me or be unfaithful so I know he is going through something. Before things got bad between us, we were talking about our future and how we could each better ourselves to make our future more promising… he seemed on board with all of this telling me he did not want to ever be without me. I realize that he probably got very confused and scared because we were working and there was potential for a marriage and he decided he didn’t know if that’s what he wanted.
As much as I should not, I do want him. We were perfect together, perfect for eachother… the type of couple that people envied but both very stubborn. I typically did not give in to him and vise versa so as good as we were at being together, when we fought, we fought!
One thing that is important to me is that I realize I am the type of girl that a man should have to fight for so I’m not willing to give in without a major fight on his end. I am not pursuing anything and not calling or emailing. I have not even returned his calls from this weekend because I know he knows where I live and if he wants to talk he can come find me.
Am I being ridiculous to think that he will come crawling back or wake-up after he gets bored with this, as I consider it, rebound relationship?
Please give me advice.
Thank you in advance.
LeAnne
Dear LeAnne,
Thanks for writing to us. You’re not alone in feeling funny consulting strangers for relationship advice. But sometimes getting a more objective view is exactly what a person needs.
First of all, we’re very sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. To be pushed and pulled is never a good feeling.
You summed this up when you said it’s all about actions, not words. And that couldn’t be more true in your situation. Guys know how they feel, but sometimes they’re afraid to finally say it, or they’re not introspective enough to really understand how they’re feeling. Obviously this guy has feelings for you. He cares about you, and wishes he could be with you, but not in the way you think.
There’s a big difference between being head over heels in love, and loving someone. He might love you, but he’s not in love with you, otherwise he wouldn’t be putting you through this painful ordeal. So that’s what we mean when we say, he wishes he could be with you. What that really means is, he wishes he were in love with you so he could be with you. And from everything you’ve told us, and based on his actions, that does not seem to be the case.
LeAnne, you might be thinking, “These guys don’t really know him. These guys don’t really understand the situation.” That may or may not be true, but we do know guys, and the situation you’re describing is not so unfamiliar to us unfortunately.
You say you’re perfect for each other, but ask yourself why? What is he really giving you except mixed signals and angst? What are you getting from this?
Obviously you are a smart, reflective person. But sometimes emotions erase all evidence of “smarts” and make it difficult to truly see clearly. Please take a hard look at this “relationship.” If you keep hoping it will work out, we think you’re going to experience a lot of the same emotions and actions that are currently happening. If you decide that you need to move on, then please set clear boundaries with him: he can’t call you, he can’t text you, he can’t Facebook you, etc. Otherwise, you’re going to keep getting sucked back in.
We truly hope you can figure this out, and find happiness. We’re rooting for you. Let us know if we can help in any other way. And good luck.
THE GUYS
ps. Please read the comments for more opinions on your situation.
Twice my age
Dear Guys,
Alright boys, get ready for this one..
I am 18, and a university student. I grew up in a small, gorgeous town with a close family. I have dated several people in my own age range, but never really found anything in common. This year, I started to realize I had feelings for someone TWICE MY AGE. Not in a gross way, just an honest to God, “we can talk about anything”, comfortable attraction. We had tons in common, he appears to be a lot younger.. basically the conversations never ended. We talked about everything from music, to life goals, to just general things. We were just content to be talking. The day finally came when he admitted he was attracted to me, but did not want to do anything- out of respect-and due to the bizarre and uncomfortable situation. We continued to talk and grow closer, always avoided the fact that we had feelings for one another. Soon, the happiness and bliss were overridden by constant frustration. He was the perfect guy for me, we suited each other’s personalities perfectly- but could NOT be together. We spent time together in person, always trying to maintain an air of “big bro & little sis”. We handled it fairly well. Now the frustration has led to us being out of each other’s lives completely. I don’t want him to go, but we were never together anyways, and we have such a hard time being “just friends”. Help!
Confused
Dear Confused,
Thanks for writing. Life never ceases to be interesting does it?
First of all, no matter what situation you find yourself in, there are always tons of reasons to NOT do something. If you’re an artist, everyone says, “Give it up, it’s too hard, just do it as a hobby, you’ll never make it.” We could cite example after example of reasons to not pursue careers, passions, or people. So for kicks, let’s look at all the reasons not to proceed forward in your situation.
Cons for Both of You:
1. He’s twice your age. (That just looks funny.)
2. Your family won’t approve. (They want you to have a “normal” relationship. )
3. Eventually he’ll get sick of you, and find someone he has more in common with.
4. Eventually you’ll get sick of him, because he’ll be middle-aged when you’re in your twenties.
5. Strangers will think you’re father and daughter.(He could be your father.)
6. It just looks weird.
7. You’re at very different places in your life.
8. You won’t be allowed to blossom and experience life the way a young person should.
9. Your friends will criticize you and make fun of you. His friends will do the same, but his guy friends will also be jealous.
10. You’re too young. You just don’t know enough to make a good decision.
We could go on and on, but you get our point. We’re not going to tell you what to do. All of the reasons stated above are good reasons not to proceed. But you also gave a lot of reasons why it might be worth exploring.
You have to ultimately decide what’s right for you, and that can be difficult with so many other people weighing in.
We won’t tell you that the road will be perfect if you do decide to give it a go. We won’t lie to you. Most people will think your guy friend is getting the better end of the deal. He’s an older guy possibly dating a young, attractive woman. Some people will even think it’s gross. That’s not for us to say one way or another. Everyone’s different. Every situation is different. Any time people come together with different backgrounds it’s more difficult to sort through issues. But the best way to do that is talk, talk, talk, and it sounds like that’s one of the things you two have going for you.
Take a hard look at what you want. You may decide it’s best to move on from this situation. Or you might decide it’s worth exploring. If you do move forward it doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind if it doesn’t seem right to you at a later point.
We hope this helps put things in perspective for you.
Good luck and keep us posted.
THE GUYS
ps. We may be discussing this on an upcoming podcast too. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. Listen and subscribe on itunes. Or here.
TGP Episode 20: The Beatles, Conspiracies, and Giving Thanks
In the News: The Beatles finally give it up to itunes. And once again, it seems like we just can’t get away from an Apple being an integral part of man’s AND woman’s existence.
But, Glee still takes the prize. Read it on: Death and Taxes.
On Pet Peeves, Sai discusses his cell phone answering service conspiracy.
THE MEAT: We discuss Thanksgiving and all that it means to us. What do YOU think about the following Thanksgiving items?
Turkey, stuffing, babies, traffic, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, family dynamics, football, Black Friday.
Some of these are our Top 3, and some our Drop 3. Can you guess which are which?
Cucch’s Mom’s Thanksgiving Sausage Stuffing:
Note: this recipe makes about double what you need to stuff a 20-24lb. turkey
8 lbs. potatoes, diced, cooked and coursely mashed
3 lbs. Jimmy Dean sausage. (3 of the 1 lb. tubes)
3 large onions diced
3 lbs. lean ground beef
4 eggs lightly beaten
1 ½ TBS of poultry seasoning blend
1 tsp. sea salt
½ – 1 tsp. black pepper
Cook and rough mash or rice the potatoes setting aside to cool. Saute onions, sausage and ground beef (in batches if necessary) drain excess fat and set aside to cool. When potatoes and sausage mixtures are cool, combine and mix in beaten eggs, poultry seasoning, salt and pepper. Follow safe guidelines about stuffing your turkey. Any extra stuffing can be cooked in a separate casserole dish for about the last 45 minutes that your turkey is in the oven. Baste the additional stuffing lightly with turkey juices when you baste the turkey. To be safe the stuffing both in the turkey and any casserole dishes should reach at least 165 degrees. Enjoy!
Ask the Guys:
Danielle – What is the difference between being nervous and a jerk?
and
Hellen – Lights off? What the hell does he mean by that??!!
TGP Episode 19: The Beatles, Conspiracies, Giving Thanks [ 43:58 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | DownloadRecent questions for The Guys
We’ll be answering these questions on our podcast. You can listen here, or on itunes and Zune. Next episode coming Sunday. If we don’t get to all three, we’ll address whatever we missed on the following episode.
So please tune in, subscribe, and spread the word!
Also, feel free to leave your comments addressing any of the questions below. Your insights will help DJ, Katie, and Megan figure out their prospective situations. Thanks in advance.
From DJ
OK..my boyfriend and I have been dating for the past two years and I love him dearly. We have a baby together and he never helps with anything and rarely wants to do anything with me or his son. It’s been like this for the last year… during my pregnancy until now. I’ve tried everything from taking interest in the things he likes, demanding, ignoring, and nothing works. I want to know from a guy’s perspective what to do.
From Katie
He is my best friend and said he liked me awhile ago, and asked me out. This weekend I was with his best friend at a football game, and he sent me this text message.
‘We’ve been friends ever since I can remember, I mean there’s no one else I can talk to but you. And if we dated and broke up that would be gone. It just becomes awkward and don’t think I’m just telling you this now because I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you but it’s becoming drama already, which tells me we wouldn’t last and I can’t lose you. Plus I’m not worth losing a friendship over, trust me…’ Then after we talked for a bit about it he said ‘Ok I mean if I lost you I couldn’t come back from it. I’d lose the best thing ever.’
What does he mean by all of this? Does he still like me? I have no idea what’s going through his mind right now.
From Megan
i have been bestfriends with him for more than 10 years, we know everything about each other! we have been there for one another through rough times and good times, break ups and new relationships, we can tell each other anything and not judge one another, we give our opinions and then just move on from the situation. we flirt all the time, and i know that my feelings for him are more than “just friends” but im not 100% sure on his feelings. we spend a lot of time together, and we are very protective of one another! we stay the night with each other all the time, with no expectations… i THINK he has feelings for me.. so my question is, what do you think, and how should i confront him about this.. thanks:)
Long term feelings?
Dear Guys,
I went on a trip to Europe this summer to visit my family, like I do every year. My last week there I met someone who I used to know when I was a little girl. We hung out with a group of friends for three days and we all instantly became like family. This guy and I became obsessed with each other for those three days and instantly decided to keep in contact. We promised to see each other before next summer.
It’s been two months since we’ve seen each other now and we’re both going back to the same place we were this summer for New Year’s Eve to see each other. We talk every couple of days, sometimes once a week but when we do he always tells me “I need you, I need you”
Before we said our goodbyes this summer he said, “What am I going to do without you for a whole year?” He also said, “Don’t find anyone else.” We’ve talked about his past relationships and he’s never been with a girl for more than 2 months. I also get bored of guys very easily and I’ve never been with someone for longer than 2 months also.
From a guys perspective, do you think this affection will last for him? We only knew each other for three days but I feel like I’ve known him for so long.
Dora
Dear Dora,
Thanks for writing to us. Interesting question.
Your behavior in the past doesn’t necessarily determine how this new situation will go. Just because the two of you get bored with other people doesn’t mean you’ll get bored with each other. When it’s right, it’s right.
However, it’s way too early to know whether it is in fact, “right.” You need to spend considerably more time with him, and more consistent time with him to really know how you’ll feel. Seeing him periodically for a few intense days won’t tell you much about having a long term relationship with him. Long distance relationships are full of longing, and heightened feelings. You need to see how it is on a more day-to-day basis.
But Dora, you’re off to a great start. You’ve found someone you really like that you connect with; and the feeling’s mutual. That doesn’t happen every day. So go with it. See where it takes you. And enjoy the ride. Keep your wits about you, but don’t over think things. If you like each other after the next meeting, plan another one. Just take it a step at a time.
Good luck and keep us posted.
THE GUYS
Readers: If you have any relationship questions or just general questions about guys, drop us a line on the Ask the Guys page here on our website. We’ll either answer you on our blog or on our podcast.
If you haven’t listened to our podcast, check it out on the podcast page, or subscribe through itunes or Zune. And spread the word to your friends. Thanks!!
Rebound Relationships
Dear Guys,
When people rush into rebound relationships for a few months and have been intimate with someone else, what do you think the chances are of trying to repair the original relationship, knowing the person you loved was with someone else?
I had this happen to me and he is now contacting me again. I wonder why he didn’t try to work on the relationship before getting involved with someone else. I don’t want to be used or hurt again. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Tina
Dear Tina,
Thanks for writing us.
Any relationship can be broken or repaired. It all depends on the people involved and how committed or not committed they are.
The real question is whether or not you want to try and repair it, and whether or not you can handle the emotional roller coaster that may ensue.
We don’t know the details of why you broke up in the first place, and then why he started dating this other person, and then why they broke up, and now why he’s asking to get back together with you. Is he someone who can’t be alone? Or did he truly make a mistake and now wants to make it all right?
Either way, it sounds like you’re already struggling with it. Do you really want to go through it all again? That’s what you have to ask yourself. Don’t get back with him again just because you’re feeling lonely. Breakups are very hard, but they usually happen for a good reason, and after time things start to look up. You sound like you’re still in the healing phase which makes you vulnerable, and susceptible to his advances.
If you really want to give it a second try we suggest you wait for a bit and get to know him again. Be friends for a while and see if he’s really serious about you, or if he’s just lonely and looking for sex.
And if this seems too hard it might be because it is. He may not be the right guy for you, so move on, heal, and keep an open mind. Someone else will come your way.
Good luck and keep us posted. Feel free to ask any follow up questions.
THE GUYS
ps. We also answer relationship questions on our podcast. Check it out here, or subscribe on itunes and/or Zune. Leave us a five star rating on itunes or Zune and be in the running for a piece of merchandise.
The online guy
Dear Guys,
I was on an on-line dating website and this man sent me a message asking if I was interested in meeting him. I responded to him two days later and he said sorry but he was going off the site because he met someone else and was going to ask her to be exclusive. I wished him well.
Three weeks later he contacted me again asking if I was still interested in meeting. I asked what happened and he just blew it off saying things happen and it was no big deal. So we met and began a relationship rather quickly seeing each other almost everyday. Then without any warning he sent me an email at work saying he was going back to his longtime girlfriend whom he never mentioned. He seemed really into me and I was shocked that he would be so cold as to end things by an email to my work.
It was only several weeks that we dated, but I’m feeling rejected and confused by his behavior. I’d appreciate any advice or opinion on this situation.
Thank you,
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
Thanks for writing. We’re sorry about your situation. This guy’s erratic behavior is a sure sign that he’s not who he says he is.
In the excitement of meeting someone who’s charming, good looking, interesting, or whatever, you ignored some not-so-positive signs that told you a different story. The fact that he said he was going to be exclusive with someone else not more than two weeks prior, should have told you something wasn’t right. And the fact that his explanation to you was less than satisfactory was also a red flag. These together tell us that he’s either very confused, or he’s a player, and we’re going with the latter.
Don’t beat yourself up over this, but just be aware for the future. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment if there’s chemistry. But next time, think yellow light, and proceed with caution, especially with online dating. It might be a good idea to first get to know someone face-to-face before you jump in too deep.
We know this situation is sad, confusing, and frustrating for you, but truly this guy is not worth it. He’s got his agenda, and it’s all about him. He’s not the type of guy you’d want to have a long term relationship with anyway.
So chalk it up to experience and move on. Next time keep your eyes open a tad more. We’re not saying be suspicious of everyone, just don’t go so fast until you really know whom you’re dealing with.
Good luck, and write us anytime.
THE GUYS
ps. If you haven’t checked out our podcast, please do. You can find it on itunes at: The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. Subscribe and spread the word. Thanks!
One of the guys
Dear Guys,
I’ve always been “one of the guys” because in my group of friends I’m the only girl. I hang out with them on a daily basis. I’m starting to see one of them as more than a friend, but I can’t tell if he feels the same way. He always chooses to sit next to me and he’s ditched the others so we could hang out alone. But when we all hang out together, he treats me like “one of the guys.” It’s very frustrating and I can’t read his signals.
Keely
Dear Keely,
We’ve been asked a similar question before. Dating friends can be wonderful, but also confusing, especially at the beginning.
Guys love women who can hang with their guy friends. There’s nothing cooler than a woman who loves football, action movies and video games. But only if that woman also likes to be a woman too. If you are the former without the latter, then you are truly one of the guys, without the quotations. And that’s not necessarily where you want to be if you have eyes for this guy.
Who do YOU think you are in his eyes?
From what you describe it sounds like he’s into you. So you have two options. Wait for him to make the first move, or just tell him how you feel and give him the green light. We suggest waiting for a bit, and see how it progresses. If it goes on for a long time and he’s not making a move, you might just have your answer. If that happens he probably just thinks of you as a friend.
This doesn’t mean you can’t just tell him that you like him, but you might not feel comfortable doing that.
One last thing to consider. If you start dating this friend and it doesn’t work out, you might lose some of your other guy friends too. It’s not really fair but it could happen. Don’t let that scare you, but just be aware of it. We still think you have to follow your gut. If you really need to have a definitive answer, then just tell him how you feel. Taking a risk is always a bit scary but often necessary when it comes to matters of the heart.
Good luck and keep us posted.
THE GUYS
Ask us a question. We’ll either answer it here on our blog, or on our podcast. Leave us a note on the “Ask the Guys” page. And check out our podcast if you haven’t already. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. (Listen on itunes, Zune, or here on our site.) And please subscribe and spread the word. Thanks!
TGP Episode 10: Our first minicast
Are we the only ones? We discuss Crows and Feet, but not crows feet.
Ask the Guys: We get caught up on your questions
Reader Feedback: Caller response from Hawaii
Cousins
Dear Guys,
My husband recently had an emotional affair with someone in California. He has family out there also. That being said, after I confronted him about the affair- and thought that we had gotten over it, and we were doing better than ever- he said he still wanted to go visit family out in California. I reluctantly bought him the ticket to go, scared that he would not return like he promised. (Round trip ticket) I was right, he did not return on this ticket. Mind you the woman he was having the affair with is his cousin (I know, I know, I know…LOL….Jerry Springer all over it.) He stayed with her and her family for the two weeks he was supposed to be out there. (She is married with two kids.) As far as I could tell they avoided being alone together.
Anyway, now he is staying at a male cousin’s house. He says he wants to extend his visit and possibly get a job out there for a few months. So far he has not tried to get a job, like he said he was going to. And I don’t want him to do this. I want him to come home where he knows for a fact he has a job waiting for him. (At least two) He still says he loves me everyday and texts me throughout everyday and also sends pics of himself. He sends pics and texts to my son as well who is fifteen. He promised me before he left that he would come home, and says he will still keep that promise. In the mean time, I feel like my life is in limbo not knowing when he plans to return. He will not give me a date or a definite time frame for his return. So guys my question is basically this…would he keep saying he loves me in text and on the phone if he didn’t mean it? He is already out there 3,000 miles away from home, so I think if he didn’t mean it or wanted to stay out there and not return home he would just either drop off the face of the earth…..no texts and no phone calls. And certainly no “I love yous.” (Sometimes just a love ya or a goodnight with love but usually love you) Can you guys help me shed some light on him? I want so badly to believe he will be returning. But the “not knowing” is driving me nuts.
Hummingbird
Dear Hummingbird,
Thanks for writing. This is complicated. And we won’t lie to you. The whole cousin angle kind of threw us a bit, but we’ll do our best.
We’re not exactly sure what you mean by an emotional affair. Do you know the extent of it? Did he talk with you about it? Or did you find it out covertly by seeing emails/texts? How far did it go? Did they discuss being together? If you’re not sure of these answers you should find out to what extent they were “together.”
And what about his cousin’s husband? Does he know what’s going on? It seems he probably doesn’t since your husband was staying with them.
We’re big on actions. Right now his actions are speaking much louder than his words. He may be saying he loves you, but then why isn’t he coming home? This is quite a mixed message.
Our sense is, he’s keeping his options open. He’s trying to establish a life for himself out in California, but if for some reason it doesn’t work out, he still has you to come back to. It seems if all he wanted to do was relocate, you would be part of the plan. He would be talking to you about WHEN you and your son would be joining him. Instead he’s kind of being vague, and that’s a sure sign that he’s being deceptive, at least about his intentions.
Relationships aren’t easy, and there are times when couples go through rough periods. During these difficult times communication breaks down. And that’s a big problem, because it’s during those times that couples need to communicate even more! You need to get him talking!!
So “Hummingbird,” stop wondering and get more proactive about this. It seems you’re almost afraid to ask him what’s really going on. But you have to get to the bottom of this for your own sanity and for the welfare of your son-and for the sake of your marriage. So talk to your husband. Ask him to come home to talk with you. Be assertive. If he won’t come home, you might have to take a trip out to California. (That’s a last resort because we know this would be expensive.) But you’re not really getting an accurate picture of what’s going on. You’re only getting what he chooses to tell you. The worst case scenario is, he decides to stay in California, and you’re left wondering with no answers.
And why are you buying the ticket for him? Are you supporting the family financially? We know these are tough economic times, but you shouldn’t be supporting his explorations. It sounds like you want to be a loving partner and that’s a wonderful thing. Relationships are about give and take. But it’s a two way street, and he’s not holding up his end of the bargain. So please don’t support him anymore with this. It’s not helping your relationship. If a guy accepts this kind of help, even if he’s grateful, he’s also resentful and feels emasculated. And if he doesn’t, well than that’s even worse. We call those guys, mooches!
Things haven’t ended yet, but they’re moving quickly in that direction. You deserve an explanation and some real straight talk. And if he’s not willing to volunteer this, then you need to force the issue. He owes you that much. And there still might be a chance to salvage your relationship. It does sound like he cares for you on some level, even if he’s confused.
We’re sorry this is so difficult. We wish people would live up to their commitments and be honest with the people they are closest with. But unfortunately many people don’t do this. The way your husband is dealing with his confusion is damaging your relationship, especially in the trust department. Even if you get through this, you’re still going to have to deal with the aftermath. This is going to take some strength on your part. And his.
We wish you the best. Let us know if you have any other questions.
THE GUYS
The other woman
Dear Guys,
I am 34 year old man married for 9 years. (The relationship has been rocky to say the least.)I have been told by my wife at times that she does not love me. We have a child together. Often she likes to go out after work with her co-worker single female friend.
I have recently been talking with a female co-worker who is younger than me and have been out for some drinks. Sometimes the subject turns towards sex. This is confusing.
Is she interested in me?
If I act on this my so called marriage will be over.
Jim
Dear Jim,
Thanks for writing. We can see how this would be confusing.
Let’s address your marriage first. Both you and your wife sound unclear how you feel about one another, and your marriage. So we’d like to know a few things. Do you still love your wife? If the two of you could work things out is that something you would ultimately want?
Many couples stay together because of the children. However, if a relationship is loveless, and/or full of stress and strife, this can have a negative impact on a child’s emotional and psychological well being. Many “experts” are now saying a healthy divorce-one where both parents are still working as a team to make things as smooth as possible for the kids-is actually a better situation than an unhealthy marriage. Could this be a reason you’re still together?
Jim, it would best to figure some of these things out first before you bring another person into the equation. The new person will only complicate matters, and confuse you more. She already has.
So let’s talk about this other person. It’s clear you’re attracted to her and are interested in her beyond just being friends. That in itself should tell you something about your marriage. The fact that you are open to having these types of feelings for another women is pretty telling. Sure, guys fantasize about women other than their partner. That’s pretty normal. (And yes, women have fantasies too.) But you’re well beyond a fantasy. You’ve gone out with this other woman, talked about sex, and are seriously considering taking it to the next level. That should give you some answers about how committed you are to your marriage.
However, be forewarned. This other woman is not the solution. Jumping to a new situation without resolving the existing one, only blurs things more. Are you leaving because you’re unhappy, or are you leaving because you want this other person? That’s a big distinction. There’s also no guarantee that you’ll stay with this woman, or that she feels about you, the same way you feel about her. You might have a month of fun, or even a year, or who knows, but you’ll still have your marriage to deal with at some point.
There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. You’re human, and it’s nice to feel wanted and loved. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting much of that from your marriage. And having this other woman in the picture, might be giving you the strength to take a hard look at your marriage. Is that what you’re hoping for? Are you really into this new woman, or are you just hoping she’ll jump start the inevitable end of your marriage? We just think you need to ponder these questions because they’ll shed some light on your ultimate decision, whether you stay or go.
Good luck and keep us posted. Feel free to ask us more questions.
THE GUYS
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Is my marriage over?
Dear Guys,
10 years ago I met a wonderful man and fell in love, I had one child from a previous relationship and we had 2 more children in the last 10 years. Generally speaking we had been fairly happy as a couple and a family until recently. In the last 2 years we have dealt with many stresses but I thought we were managing them well. My “husband” (common-law) started a new job a year and a half ago working nights and I work days. We hardly see each other and only go to sleep together one night a week. I too have made a change in my career recently. I quit my job with his encouragement and support to find a new one closer to home. (I was commuting1.5hours to work). Last week he told me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. He wants to move out and refuses to talk through what is bothering him with me or even a counselor. I am shocked and heartbroken over this break up of my family. Can you tell me how to understand what he may be thinking? Does he really mean this or is something else going on?
He comes by everyday under the pretense of seeing the kids but spends all his time talking with me. When I call him he sounds annoyed, but when I ask if he’d like me not to call he won’t say yes or no? I am confused. So what do you guys think, is it really over?
Sue
Dear Sue,
Thanks for writing. We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.
No, your marriage is not over. But unless you get him talking, and you find out what’s really going on with him, it will be.
Our first question to you is, are you sure there isn’t someone else? That was our gut reaction based on his actions. The fact that he doesn’t want to talk to a couples counselor, or you, makes us wonder. Sure, the person who initiates a break up is often much farther along in the process, but for a husband to just one day decide it’s over without talking about it, or trying to work something out, seems odd.
Working opposite schedules can put a strain on a relationship. The daily reconnection that couples typically have is very important. Even discussing mundane things is a reminder that you’re a team, and you’re working together to make it all work. Now of course, not everyone has the luxury to do this. You didn’t.
Obviously he still cares for you, but he’s forgotten why he loved you in the first place. The stereotype is, guys connect on a very physical basis, where women want more of an emotional connection. But really, both genders need a balance of both. It sounds like neither of you were getting what they needed over the course of the past two years. You’ve been able to handle the strain, and he hasn’t. The strain is no excuse though, but we’re trying to help you figure this out. A lot of couples endure much more stress than conflicting schedules. So once again, you need to get him talking somehow.
We’re pulling for you Sue. We hope you can work through this together to put the pieces of your marriage and family back in place. Communication is the key to this.
Good luck and keep us posted.
THE GUYS
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Dating my friend’s ex
Dear Guys,
Well, I have a best friend who I really like, but I don’t know how to tell him. We have been talking a lot and I’ve been getting mixed signs from him. Like he’ll just step out of his way for nothing to try and get next to me or talk to me. It’s a bit more complicated than just that. He used to date my other best friend and I don’t know what to do. We don’t keep in touch like I do with the guy I like, but she and I still talk and I feel a bit guilty.
I really like this guy and I have a lot of trouble trying to get him to understand that since I’m really shy about my feelings especially if it’s concerning a guy I like. How can I tell him I like him without causing my friend to dislike me?
Thanks,
Adrastea
Dear Adrastea,
Thanks for writing.
Good for you for caring about your friend’s feelings. In this “ME FIRST” world, that’s refreshing to hear.
Here’s the bad news. If you want to pursue this guy, it’s possible you are going to upset your girlfriend. That’s not for certain, but it might happen.
If you’re feeling guilty, why don’t you call her up and ask her out to lunch. Talk with her. Tell her that you really like her ex, but you don’t want to ruin the friendship you have with her. She may not even care, especially if she’s moved on and is dating someone else. Either way she’ll appreciate your honesty and that you cared enough about her to let her know. We’re not saying ask for her permission. You don’t have to do that. But if you value the relationship you have with her, it’s worth talking to her.
Like we said, you can’t control other people’s reactions. If you spend your life worrying about how your actions impact everyone around you, you are going to be an unhappy camper. It’s great to be aware how your decisions affect others, but sometimes you just have to do what makes you happy. (We realize this goes against our original statement, but it’s all about finding the right balance.)
We’re sure you’ll do what’s right. You have a good heart Adrastea.
Good luck. And keep us posted.
THE GUYS
Dating, deployment, decisions
Hello Guys,
My name is Stephanie and I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We are both in the military so of course we are apart most of the time. Things were great at the beginning, but we went through some rough times. We got through them though.
I found out he had cheated on me and I forgave him. He promised to change and he did. I deployed, and well our relationship became very distant, and I ended up cheating on him, and he found out about it as well. He told me we would work through it, and we did. However I kept in contact with this other guy for a while and my boyfriend told me to stop all communication with him. I told him I would but I didn’t. So this in fact brought more problems to our relationship. So I eventually cut off communication with this guy and I have been trying to prove myself to my boyfriend ever since.
However, I feel that he has become very distant towards me. He is busy with work, but he does not seemed to be bothered by the fact that I am scared for our relationship. He tells me everything is fine, and that I am just paranoid!
I find myself bringing up things that start an argument between us, and then we get upset and end up not speaking to each other for days.
I am supposed to go see him in about 2 weeks and I’m excited but scared at the same time. He always tells me that we are fine and that I need to stop with all the accusations and talk about us not being okay because we are.
He says that the reason he is distant is because I always want to argue and he is tired of it. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
He says that he is still in love with me and that he obviously does love and care about me. I’m just confused. I don’t know if I am paranoid or if this is really over??
Can someone please give me some advice.
Stephanie
Dear Stephanie,
Thanks for writing.
Your relationship is only over when you decide you don’t want to try anymore, or if your boyfriend decides he doesn’t want to try anymore. What’s happened is that the trust between the two of you has been damaged by both of your indiscretions. That type of damage can last a long time, even if you’ve worked through a lot of it. Earning back trust can take years, and often it’s never earned back. Feel good that you’ve both forgiven each other. Most couple don’t get that far.
The long distance nature of your relationship also adds to the overall feeling of insecurity and uncertainty you’re feeling. You have to rely on words alone, not body language, or a daily hug, or anything else that might make you feel more certain about the relationship. And when trust has already been breached, the distance only exacerbates the problem.
So the question is, do you believe what he’s saying? And that’s solely up to you Stephanie. He sounds sincere when he says he still loves you. But do you believe him?
We can understand why he doesn’t want to argue anymore. Arguing is exhausting, emotionally and physically, and if that’s all you’re doing right now, that’s even more exhausting. Once again the distance just amplifies this, because communication is being done by phone, Skype, email or text. Once you hang up, or finish the last email, you are both left feeling sad and lonely, with no one to process with. That’s tough.
You two need to do some talking that’s for sure. However, you also need to remember that you love each other. What we mean is, you need to remember WHY you fell for each other in the first place. This means, enjoying each other’s company WITHOUT fighting or arguing, at least for this next visit.
So maybe you need to trust the words he’s saying and just try to enjoy your upcoming visit. If you’re truly going to be together, you don’t need to hash everything out when you see him in a few weeks. Try having some fun, and postpone all the heavy stuff for another time. Celebrate what brought you together in the first place. But make a pact that at some date in the near future you’re going to discuss your relationship. That should not be ignored, and he should be on board with this. You in particular need to process how you’re feeling, and he should respect that and be open to it. But you also need to respect that he’s tired of arguing, and try to be a little lighter, at least for now.
If you still love him Stephanie, you owe it to yourself to keep trying. After this upcoming visit, you’ll have a much better sense of how you feel, and how he feels. We can’t say whether it will work out or not, but you won’t have any regrets, and that’s all you can really ask of yourself in this life.
Best of luck and keep us posted.
THE GUYS
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Out of work
Dear Guys,
I am in need of advice on how to best help my guy who is dealing with the difficult task of finding a job where there are no longer jobs. He lives in another city and we have been in a relationship for the past year which is working out great. However, he is becoming more and more frustrated at not being able to locate the kind of job he is qualified for in the area where he lives. Today he was hoping to get hired at a job which he interviewed for last week and was told today that they hired in-house. I do not know how to help him through this or what to say or do? I told him I am here for him. I do not want to say or do the wrong thing to make him withdraw from me.
What are your thoughts…
Thanks for your help,
Pam
Dear Pam,
Thanks for your note. These are difficult times for many folks who are out of work.
Men often define themselves by their job, especially if they enjoy what they’re doing, or if they’re making a lot of money. And when things don’t go well, these guys struggle the most. It’s not just a matter of financial security, but also emotional well being, and sense of self. These feelings can snowball into frustration, anger, and depression. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Your guy may, or may not, want to talk with you about his struggles. But your “job” is to listen as best you can. Many guys will just keep it all inside, because to speak it out loud, is to admit weakness and defeat-similar to guys who won’t ask for directions even when they’re hopelessly lost. So be supportive by letting him know you love him, and that you’re there for him. (It sounds like you’re already doing this.)
If you want to actively help, we would suggest doing small things. If you happen to see a job listing he might be interested in forward it to him. Or if you have a connection he might benefit from talking to, mention it to him. But be careful here, this could backfire. He might be very open to it, but he also might think you’re coddling him and resent you.
So the best thing to do Pam, is to talk to him, especially before you try to help him out. Tell him how you’re feeling and ask him what he’d like from you. He certainly doesn’t want you feeling sorry for him, but he will appreciate knowing that you’re there, and that you care. He probably already does, and may or may not be expressing this to you. Ask him if he’d like your help. And if he doesn’t, drop it. Also keep in mind, that since you’re his girlfriend, he might take his frustration out on you. People sometimes do this with the people they are closest with. If this happens, try to be patient, but also let him know that you’re trying to help, and that his situation impacts you as well, because you care.
And finally we would say, the little things help. When you visit, try to focus on having lots of fun, but without spending tons of money. Maybe plan some outings, like a hike with a picnic, or dinner at home, with something “special” planned for dessert. You get the idea. He’ll appreciate the distraction.
Just be yourself Pam. That’s really all you can do. If you’re relationship is solid, built on trust, respect and good communication, you’ll weather this hard time.
Good luck to you and him. We’re hoping for the best for both of you.
Keep us posted.
THE GUYS
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I like your personality
Dear Guys,
Not to be vain, but I’m a pretty girl…not big on the whole pound of make-up and constantly picture perfect thing, but it seems like every guy I’m interested in always says the same thing first…they like my style, or they like my personality…
I always thought that if a guy says that he’s not genuinely interested, just attracted enough to screw…any way, my question is, what does it mean when a guy right off the bat says “I really like your personality…”
Craigory
Dear Craigory,
Thanks for your question.
This statement, “I like your personality,” is not the kiss of death that women think it is. Context is everything here. Most guys aren’t going to come right out and tell you you’re beautiful, or that they want to get you in bed, so they might say, “I really like your personality.” That’s a safe way to approach you. It’s all part of the game.
It is possible they actually do like your style. Maybe you have a certain flair that’s undeniable, and one that guys notice right away. That’s a good thing! Wouldn’t you prefer they liked you for a combination of traits rather than just your looks? So be happy that you have much to offer.
However, when guys talk to their buddies it’s a whole different story. Every stereotype you’ve ever heard about guys is true in this case. We want to know about looks first. Is she hot? Is she cute? How’s her body? We want specifics. It’s just a curiosity thing. That doesn’t mean we don’t care about other qualities in women, it’s just that our prehistoric roots enter the equation when we talk amongst ourselves.
Finally, the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Don’t change, or act differently just to get a guy to like you. Celebrate your uniqueness, pursue the things that make you happy. Your happiness and zest for life will shine through. And truly those are the most attractive qualities anyone can have.
All the best.
THE GUYS
He stares and he’s mean
Dear Guys,
Okay so there’s this guy at my school who I’ve known since second grade. We used to be best friends in elementary but now he’s just mean to me, stares, and comments rudely on almost everything I do. I’m not the only one who catches him staring at me because he does it a lot. Sometimes even the teacher will tease him about it. He also gets jealous when I talk to other guys, and so he interrupts. But he’s in a different social status than me, him being more popular than me, and being known as a jerk to most. But then people never really knew him like I did. I’m confused on whether he really likes me or not.
Jesse
Dear Jesse,
Thanks for writing.
Understanding the psyche of a high school boy is like trying to understand the weather. Thousands of meteorologists around the world try to predict the weather every day and they usually only get it right 50% of the time, and that’s if they’re good.
It is possible-and maybe likely-this old friend of yours likes you, but as far as we’re concerned it doesn’t matter. You need to take him at face value. He’s mean to you. He doesn’t treat you with respect. He’s immature, even for a young man, and he he’s got a lot of growing up to do.
It is possible-and likely-that he’ll learn as the years progress. He’ll hopefully have his share of hard knocks, and he’ll gain some perspective. And hopefully he’ll grow and evolve from these experiences.
But for now Jesse, he needs to marinade by himself. We’re sure there are plenty of very nice young men in your school. Start hanging out with them. And who knows, maybe your friend is a fast learner.
Good luck.
THE GUYS
ps. Why is the teacher commenting on the situation?
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He hides our relationship
Dear Guys,
So I’ve dated this guy for a while now, and it’s been a known fact between us that he doesn’t want anyone to know we’re dating. I was fine with it for a while but it started bothering me. I try to get into conversations with him about it and ask him why he doesn’t want anyone to know, but he never really answers, he just changes the subject. I know I might just be acting sensitive but it kind of feels like he’s ashamed of being my boyfriend which hurts. I’ve asked my friends and they constantly say break up with him, while others say he’s just being protective. I doubt the latter since when his friends or other guys flirt with me, he just stands there and acts like it’s not happening. Why does he act the way he does and should I break up with him?
June
Dear June,
Thanks for writing. We haven’t seen this type of situation in a long time. We can see how this would be hurtful to you. We’re sorry.
Unfortunately we don’t have good news for you. We can’t think of any positive reason he would want to hide this relationship. When people are happy to be with someone they typically want to tell the world. Sure, sometimes people hide things from their parents if they know they might not approve, but they certainly wouldn’t hide it from their friends.
As far as him being protective, it’s unlikely. That really doesn’t make any sense to us. Protective from what? If he was being protective he would be acting completely the opposite. He would want EVERYONE to know because he’d be claiming his territory. If he was being protective he wouldn’t let you leave his side, and he wouldn’t want other guys to talk with you or interact with you. (That wouldn’t be good either.)
June, we like to give answers that help people figure things out for themselves, but we don’t see this relationship going anywhere, and frankly it doesn’t sound like it’s good for your self-esteem. You need to take care of yourself, and make sure the relationships you pick boost your self-esteem, and energize, and empower you, not make you feel worried and insecure.
We hope this helps you put things into perspective.
Good luck and keep us posted.
THE GUYS
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Long distance relationship
Dear Guys,
I have been dating this guy that lives in AZ for the last 4 months. I’m in California. We get alone well and seem to enjoy each other’s company when we get together almost every other weekend.
But now I’m not seeing him for a month. So I like to talk on the phone every day. For me it helps keep us closer. Lately he hasn’t been very crazy about talking too much or too long. I understand because sometimes we talk at 1am-2am.
So I guess I would like to know how to approach this and what kind of ideas you have to make this time apart more fun. Or give some suggestions on ways to cope with the distance. In a way, I guess more for me, since I seem to be the one who he needs more reinforcement with love or attention. This is hard at times, but when we see each other it’s good and worth it…thank you!
Patricia
Dear Patricia,
Thanks for writing.
Long distance relationships, are by nature more difficult than a regular relationship. Both people have to be even more diligent about keeping in close contact and being sensitive to the other person’s needs. Otherwise the bond can lose some of its elasticity.
Insecurities can also mount for one person or both, because the comfort of knowing your partner will be home for dinner every night isn’t there. And when insecurities enter into the equation the imagination-or maybe not the imagination-can start to run wild…….What’s he doing? Is he out at a bar? Are there other women involved? Does he not care about me anymore? Is he cheating? And so it goes.
In your case Patricia it doesn’t sound like he’s doing any of these things. At first he was probably happy to talk with you for hours every day, but trying to sustain that, AND go to work, pay the bills, do the chores, can get to be very difficult. To us, he just sounds like he’s resumed his daily life. That doesn’t mean he’s not into you, but it means that balance has been restored, at least for him. His initial rush of hormones have receded to a more manageable level, and he’s back to taking care of business. Don’t worry, as soon as he sees you, everything will come rushing back. At least we hope!
So here are a few suggestions to help you keep in touch, and have some fun. Try limiting the phone conversations to three long ones per week(1 hour), and then maybe three short ones.(5-10 minutes) That will take some of the pressure off. Get a texting plan. Don’t go crazy. But a few texts sprinkled throughout the day could be fun. Maybe even a few “suggestive” ones to spice things up. (Be aware that it’s easy to keep a record of texts….ala Tiger Woods)
What about a daily email? Or send each other a special gift once a week? Alternate weeks. One week you send him a surprise, and another week he does. Make these little things and not expensive. It’s the thought that counts. Use your imagination. We’re sure you can think of something creative. (Articles of your clothing-and not one of your jackets!, Something engraved that’s small, movie tickets for when you come visit, etc.) Even an actual written letter is quite romantic and very fun to get! It shows how much you care.
Hang in there Patricia. Women are usually much better at keeping in touch in general, so you might have to do a little more of the prompting. But we just want to throw something out there. We don’t know what your plans are, but after another 2-4 months or so, it’s completely reasonable to ask him where things are going. You can’t have a long distance relationship forever, unless you really like it that way. And the whole goal is to one day be together in the same town, or maybe in the same house, if you love each other!
And one final thought. While you’re apart, you might want to keep yourself busy doing some new things. A book club. Learn a new language. Take a class. Pick up the guitar. Whatever.
Good luck and keep us posted.
THE GUYS
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On and off again
Dear Guys,
I’ve been dating a man on & off for 2 years. It started out fast with him asking me to marry him & giving me a ring. Since we have gotten back together there is no talk at all about a future together. I never know when or if I’m going to see him. He tells me I should find someone else because he has been having some health problems. We were supposed to see each other tonight but again he said he isn’t feeling well and told me to make other plans.
He says I’m not as affectionate as I used to be. It’s hard when I feel like all he does is push me away. If he did really loved me, wouldn’t he want to spend time with me & not be telling me all the time to find someone else?
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
Thanks for writing.
What you don’t say is why you broke up in the first place? How did you go from being engaged to breaking up? Also, we’d like to know if his health problems are for real or just an excuse to keep some distance between the two of you.
If he truly has health problems, he may feel insecure about being chronically sick. So instead of opening up to you he pushes you away, for fear that you won’t want to deal with his health issues. However, if his health problems are an excuse to keep you away, then you’re better off without him. You need to find all of this out. Please talk with him.
It IS difficult to show someone you love them when all they do is push you away; but in this instance that’s exactly what you need to do. He sounds very insecure about whether or not you really do want to be with him. Do you? He certainly isn’t giving you a whole lot to work with honestly, but it sounds like you’re going to have to be the bigger person here and reach out to him if you want this to move forward.
As far as him telling you to find someone else, that could be his insecurity talking again, or he might really mean it. But you’re right, if he really wanted to be with you it seems like he should just say it. We wonder.
Lisa, what do you think about all this? You definitely need to put all of this on the table and talk to him about this. The best way to get to the bottom of this is to ask him directly how he truly feels about you.
Either way, his insecurity-if that’s what it is-is a red flag to us. He might truly be sick-and we’re sorry if he is-but the way he’s dealing with it seems immature. Most people would want the person they love to support them in their struggles. They wouldn’t push them away. So that’s a bit unsettling for us.
We hope we didn’t make things more confusing for you Lisa. Be well and good luck sorting this out.
THE GUYS
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High school boyfriend
Hey Guys,
So there is this guy I’ve known for about 7 years and we’re both going to be juniors in high school. I’ve felt for a long time that he liked me, because he’d always be around and be mean to me and stuff,(I don’t know what that means), but we have nothing in common. We just kinda got put together as friends. This past year we would fight a lot and he would always make sure that we were still friends. Most of the fights were on Facebook chat. I would always tell him about the guys I liked and ask for advice, partially to let him know that I didn’t like him. This year he had a girlfriend for a few months, but still flirted heavily with me. Then after they broke up and a few days after I was rejected, he told me he wanted to kiss me. So we got together that night and just kissed. I told him I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but we did anyway. After that it was normal until we hung out again and kissed more. Now I think that I like him, but whenever we talk we get each other mad, because we know how to push each other’s buttons. I realize now that I really like him, but it’s summer and he has a girlfriend. We haven’t seen each other, only emailed twice. First I started then he started and both times ended in a fight. I’m just frustrated because I still feel like he likes me. He’s said he doesn’t like me, but at the same time he does, and that he is confused. Now I am too. Please help. Does he like me? I’ve felt something between us for a long time.
Anya
Dear Anya,
Thanks for writing. We’re a bit confused too!
So let’s get this straight. You are friends with this guy, but you kind of like each other too. You’re both not sure what you want. You’ve kissed. Now you realize you like him. He says he likes you but has a girlfriend. You fight a lot.
That sums it up, right?
We’re sorry you’re having a hard time Anya. It’s painful to finally decide you like someone and then have them reject you, at least partially.
He sounds like he’s confused and maybe not sure what he wants. Most 17 year old guys-we’re assuming that’s about how he is-change their minds from week to week, or even day to day. He probably does like you, but he wants to date other people too. He probably values your friendship, but it’s not enough for him to stop some of the other things that he enjoys. It’s the nature of the beast Anya.
The best thing you can do is make it clear that you like him, but don’t pressure or hound him. (And not on Facebook!) He’s going to have to come around on his own. He’ll appreciate you more if he realizes how great you are without you having to tell him.
So the good news is, yes, he probably does like you. But the bad news is, there’s not much you can do, but sit back and watch. You could be his friend while he’s dating other people, but is that what you want? Do you want to be someone he confides in about other girls? We doubt it.
We’re hoping he comes around. But if not, don’t fret. We’re sure there are more cool guys in your school. And once you start dating someone else, this guy will want you back. Yes, the game playing has already begun unfortunately. And guys like a little cat and mouse; as long as they get to catch the mouse occasionally.
Best of luck and keep us posted.
THE GUYS
ps. It might be a good idea to conduct your personal affairs away from Facebook or any other social networking site. That’s just trouble waiting to happen. We see it time and time again.
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Facebook crisis
Dear Guys,
I’m a middle aged woman dating again. I’ve been dating a man for awhile. We had broken up for a period of time but got back together. During that time apart he dated and was intimate with another woman. He has a Facebook account as do I. He blocked me but has this other woman he was with as a friend. He also accepted a woman as a friend who he knew caused me a lot of problems in the past. If he cared for me why would he keep them and block me?
Thank you for your input.
Lee Ann
Dear Lee Ann,
Thanks for writing. It seems Facebook issues have struck again. We’re sorry.
We’re not sure what it is about Facebook, My Space, and some of these other social networking sites, where people feel they can do or say anything without any repercussions. It’s like the wild, wild west but with no sheriff.
How long have you been back together? Is it possible you were blocked during the time of your break up and he hasn’t unblocked you yet? It’s at least worth a conversation, which is what we’re recommending in general. We think the best thing to do is to talk with your friend and see what’s going on. If you don’t like his explanation, or if he doesn’t give you one, it’s time to move on.
Our gut feeling is, he’s keeping his options open. If he is way into you why is he blocking you? What is your gut telling you? And why did you break up in the first place? Maybe those issues are still looming.
And one note about Facebook. It’s great for businesses who are trying to keep in touch with their customers or fans. (We have a fan page.) And it’s great for people who are curious to know what all their high school chums are up to. But it’s just a bit too public to use as a way to keep in touch on a regular basis. Email, or even that old relic, the phone, is a better alternative. That way, both you and the person you’re communicating with act as sheriffs.
Good luck and keep us posted.
THE GUYS
Girlfriend Potential
Hi Guys,
I have a dilemma which I’m hoping you can help me with.
I am an outgoing, outwardly confident girl. I enjoy meeting new people, and I make friends with both guys and girls very easily. However, I have no success when it comes to dating and love. When I examine my relationship history I am forced to conclude that guys see me only as a friend, or perhaps as a potential friend-with-benefits-not that I go for those types of arrangements. Although several males have made sexual advances towards me-so it can’t be my looks that are the problem, right? I’m in good shape and reasonably attractive- they just don’t seem to see me as having girlfriend potential. I have met lots of guys that I find attractive, but there seem to be only two outcomes. Either they become a good friend but seem oblivious to my flirting-some of my male friends end up asking me for advice on how to approach other females they are interested in, for goodness sake!-or they respond to my advances, we have a brief fling, but it never develops into a serious relationship because the guy ends it. I am 99% sure this is not a sexual chemistry problem-never received any negative feedback, anyway! Every single time a guy breaks up with me, he has wanted to remain friends, in fact most have strongly stressed that point, and most of my exes remain buddies with me. This leaves me with two possible conclusions. Either I am attracted to the wrong sorts of guys, i.e. emotionally-unavailable men, or there is something about me that means guys just do not see me as a long-term prospect.
My question is, what qualities does a girl have to be seen as girlfriend potential? Are there certain behaviors or personality traits that might make a girl seem like a great friend, but eliminate her as a dating prospect? Any advice?
Thanks,
Jess
Dear Jess,
Thanks for writing. Your dilemma is not that uncommon. And at least one of your suspicions is correct. (It does sound like you’re attracted to the wrong sorts of guys.) But there’s more to it than that. Let’s start with our shallow answer.
If a guy finds you attractive, hot, sexy, or any other superlative, you automatically have potential as a girlfriend. Potential is the key word here. If potential doesn’t morph into a more certain standing you’ll end up either being a short term, or long term booty call. That’s not typically what most women are hoping for. Sure physical chemistry can be a great part of a relationship, but it’s really only one piece in a larger equation of trust, respect and love.
What really struck us about your question, was how willing and available you seem to be for these guys. This might be part of what’s going on for you. Just like nice guys can be cursed, so can nice girls. You sound like a very nice girl, and guys can sniff these girls out from a mile away. They are an invaluable resource as you’ve realized, because most guys have no clue about women. (They need advice from a woman and you’re giving it to them. That needs to stop.)
It sounds like you feel reasonably comfortable with your looks, and your ability to converse, so maybe it’s the way you carry yourself that’s causing the problem. This doesn’t mean you lack confidence, but it sounds like you’re making it too easy for the men you meet. Guys like somewhat of a challenge, and making yourself too available, at least at first, is going to keep heading you into familiar territory. And how many new guy friends do you really need??!! Let the guy do the pursuing! Let him make the advances!
We don’t believe in game playing, but a little mystery is okay. We also think you might want to hold back your eagerness to connect emotionally, until the man you’ve just met proves himself to be a worthy constituent. That means evaluate each person, and if they really have boyfriend potential, then proceed slowly. If they don’t, have a good time and move on. And definitely don’t go out of your way to prove you’re a cool girl. The right guy will know you are.
But let’s get back to our initial point. Yes, you are going after the wrong guys. This is easy for us to say, but difficult for you to change. However, start becoming more aware of your patterns. Become more aware of red flags, or other signs that tell you the same old thing is happening again.
Be positive Jess. Just by being out in the world, eventually you’ll meet the right guy for you. But it’s your job to recognize when it happens. Think about all these trials as good practice. All of these dead ends are getting you more prepared for when you finally do meet a great guy. It will happen!
Best of luck and keep us posted.
THE GUYS
TGP Episode 7: The vacation state of mind
This week’s show
The Truth: BP Conspiracy Theories
Ask the Guys: Dating Single Moms
Contest Drawing: We reveal the winner
Stream of Consciousness: Jeans, Crayons, Mini Coopers
THE MEAT: The Vacation State of Mind
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