Online dating; looking for a guy who’s emotionally available? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Dear Guys,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for this site, which I just found. I think all of your advice is so sound and mature, a big change from some of the other sites out there.

I’ve had a pattern of being involved with guys who make all the right “noises” — they ask me out, call every day, spend time with me, introduce me to their friends and family, are exclusive, don’t cheat—but I’m always left feeling like all the signs of a great relationship are there, but without the real substance. They don’t open up to me, don’t express themselves or their feelings or dreams, they seem to just want to get into a comfortable, monogamous routine where the relationship doesn’t really evolve or develop into anything deeper. I usually have to end the relationship after 1-2 years, when I see that they really don’t know how to open up and move things to another level, and they are usually devastated. I know this is kind of a ridiculous problem to have, considering all the “real” problems on this site, but I’m having so much trouble finding a real, nourishing, satisfying relationship where I can really connect with a partner over the long-term.

Anyway, that has been my history and I’ve started online dating for the first time and I am understandably a bit on the look out for early signs of this behavior as I just don’t want to fall into it again. I’ve been on three dates with a guy who seems nice, but has a few red-flags. He’s 42  years old and never married, no long term relationships for the past NINE years! What first bothered me was that each time we went out, he waited three days to call me, which is unheard of in my dating life. (I usually get a call/email/text the next day or at the latest the day after.) I asked him jokingly if he was following the “three day rule” (Although my feelings were hurt) and he was genuinely surprised and said no, he was just taking things slowly and enjoying getting to know me. He said that if it meant a lot to me, he would call me more frequently, which he has. But I still can’t shake that feeling of him being emotionally distant; he certainly is somewhat “walled up” —he gets uncomfortable when the conversation gets serious and looks like he wants to escape and withdraw when anything deeper is discussed.

Is this a red-flag that I keep choosing the same emotionally unavailable men who, deep in their hearts, just aren’t into me? Is there a way to spot this early on? Or are my experiences making me paranoid? I really would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on whether a slow start to things is a good or bad sign? (I believe it’s important for a guy to be pretty excited about me in the beginning and wanting to call a lot.) And whether I can spot an emotionally unavailable/immature man, so I can make better choices in the future.

Kate

Dear Kate,

Thanks for your kind words. We appreciate it.

Okay, you’re saying two different things. First you say that you seem to pick guys that don’t know how to open up, and that you end up having to break up with them. (They are devastated.) But then you say you keep choosing guys that are emotionally unavailable, and who deep in their hearts just aren’t that into you. The former is about the guys you are choosing, the latter is about you, and some sort of worry and insecurity. The issues are different, but they are related.

Ultimately, people choose partners that make them feel good about themselves. Take altruism for example. We believe in it as a concept, but people perform altruistic acts because of how their actions make them feel about themselves. It all comes down to the self, if you follow that logic. So our question is: What level are you trying to get to with these guys? (It sounds like there’s been quite a few.) And is this level attainable by anyone, or is it something that no matter what they do, they won’t be able to reach the level you’re looking for? (We’re just asking the questions so you can think about them.) Which brings us back to our original take: That your issue might be a combination of the wrong guys and what you ultimately need, or think you need.

Relationships require compromise. Obviously no one should compromise on important matters, like values, morals, attractiveness, and things like that. But in our society, we’re told our partner needs to be our soulmate, our best friend, our everything, and frankly, it’s not possible. That’s why people have friends and family. (Those help fill other needs.) Like we said, we are not telling you to settle. Absolutely not. But we are asking you to take a look at what you’re asking from these guys. And are you open to surprises? What do we mean? Maybe the guy who’s right for you is not the guy you seek? Do you have a list of attributes or requirements before you date someone? Maybe that list needs to be revised, or thrown out entirely? Maybe, the very attributes you find attractive in a man, directly impact his ability to open up.

We like that you’re trying new things: online dating. What about a social network, or adult ed classes, or joining some local club to meet people who like to do the sorts of things you like to do? Maybe meeting someone in a completely different setting would help take things in a different direction than your past experiences.

And so what about this new guy? He’s slow coming out of the gate. We don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing. We didn’t love his slow response time to your texts, and agree, that that needed to change. But we did like his openness to modifying his behavior to make you happy. We see this as a very positive sign. Flexibility and compromise are good things in a relationship. Sure, he’s 42, single, never been married, all the signs of a player, or someone stuck in their ways. But you’ve got to give this some time. If he’s slow with his response time, he’s also probably slow with opening up to someone new. Right now you’re uncomfortable and we can tell you don’t particularly like being uncomfortable. (Who does?) But we think it’s good for you. Just go with it and see what happens. And keep the conversation flowing. He seems open to discussing issues, so if something comes up, talk to him about it.

We also can see you’re worried about your ability to choose a keeper in general. So here are some signs of one:

Someone who is willing to compromise and be flexible. Someone that listens, but also absorbs what he’s listening to and applies it later. Someone who is willing to share about himself, but also wants to know about you. Someone you think you know but then is still able to surprise you. Someone who genuinely wants the best for you, and has your best interests in mind when he’s out in the world without you.

We hope we didn’t offend you with some of our questions. We’re just trying to get you to consider all possibilities as you navigate the complex world of dating, online dating, and social network groups.

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave us a comment below, and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And definitely keep us posted about this guy, or any other situation that comes up.

Also, we hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. And on Facebook, Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Take care,

THE GUYS

Other questions about online dating: 

Online dating; should I move forward? 

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more? 

Online dating; am I booty call or more? 

Divorced and online dating

 

 

Online Dating: I ended the date early because I freaked out; but I really like him

Other questions about online dating: 

Online dating; should I move forward? 

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more? 

Online dating; am I booty call or more? 

Divorced and online dating

Videos about online dating: 

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

______________________________

Dear Guys,

I met a guy on an online dating website. I’m not a fan of endless emails going back and forth so I suggested we meet up the following week after having exchanged a couple of emails and phone numbers. For your information, he contacted me first.

I gave him a choice of either Thursday or Friday for our first meeting and he chose Friday. Because he was new in town, he asked me to suggest a place to meet. So came Friday, I met him outside the bar we arranged to meet at. He was very friendly and gave me a big hug. We decided to go to a coffee shop and grab a coffee instead of staying at the bar because it was too crowded there. He was very gentlemanly and offered to pay for my coffee when he saw that I had my wallet in my hand. We talked over coffee. He told me about himself, why he was here, what he did. It turned out that he had a very successful career in finance. I was very nervous the whole time because to be honest, I don’t usually meet guys like that. He was good-looking, very fit, very smart, and very well-off. There were times when I really didn’t know what to say and I’m sure I sounded like my IQ had dropped by 20 points.

After the coffee, I thought he might’ve gotten so bored of me that he wanted to leave. To my surprise, he asked if I wanted to go to a bar and get a drink. I said okay but all the bars in the area were busy on Friday night so I suggested a place that was great for talking, if he didn’t mind walking for about 20 minutes. He said he didn’t mind at all so we walked for 20 minutes to a place near where I work. All the time we were talking—he made a lot of conversation even when I was nervous and didn’t know what to talk about.

So we went to this bar near where I worked. He ordered a drink for me, asking me if I wanted my “usual” which was one of the things I told him about earlier when we were having coffee. (That I usually only drink Vodka Diet Coke.) We sat down and started talking again. We talked about a lot of random things, he told me about his family, his job. He was definitely trying to impress me during the conversation. When the conversation stopped—usually when I was nervous I didn’t know what to say—he would look at me and smile.

I think the physical attraction and chemistry was definitely there. He was very gentlemanly throughout the whole night – steered away from topics of sex, when he talked he sometimes lightly touched my arms, although I could sense he was trying to be “cautious” with the amount of physical contact. He never had his phone out of his pocket, except when I went to the bathroom; when he saw me coming back he put his phone away immediately. At one point I asked him what he liked about my profile, immediately he looked shy and embarrassed and he said that I was very pretty and also I looked like an interesting person with lots of interests and hobbies. I asked him how he found me now that he’s met me in person, whether or not he found me boring, and he said no and that he was having a great time. Then he asked me what I liked about him.

When my glass of drink was almost empty he asked me if I wanted another one but because I was so nervous I said no. He got himself another drink and we kept talking. At that point I realized he was the kind of guy I had always dreamed of, but never got to meet. I felt like I was having a panic attack because I was worried I might blow it by not being myself and then appear boring to him. So when the conversation stopped again, and he did what he usually did when I wasn’t talking, which was staring into my eyes and smiling, I said awkwardly “I think I’d better get going.”  He looked really surprised and disappointed. It was the first time in the night that his smile disappeared from his face. But he just said, “Okay let’s go.”

By that time, we had spent a little over three hours together; it was 10 o’clock. Outside the bar, he asked me which way I was headed and I told him I was headed to the station opposite to where we came. He gave me a big hug and said, “I’ll give you a call and we’ll hang out again.”

The next day he sent me a text after midnight (Sunday morning) that said “Last night was fun. Glad I got to meet you. Hope we can see each other again soon.” I texted him back the next morning, eight hours later and said, “I had a lovely time too, thank you, and would love to catch up again. I’m sorry I left abruptly on Friday, I was not feeling very well and slightly nervous.”

Now it’s Tuesday night and he still hasn’t text me back or called me. What should I do? I definitely felt there was a lot of chemistry between us but I was also worried that because he was such a smart and successful guy, I might not sounded interesting or smart enough for him.

Should I contact him if he doesn’t get back to me? Is he interested but worried that I’m not interested in him? I think that by telling him I was nervous I was basically telling him that I liked him. Or is he just plain not interested enough to ask me out again?

Chocobo

Dear Chocobo,

Thanks for your question and for your donation.

All signs tell us this guy is into you, at least from what you describe of your first date. Lightly touching your arm, remembering your favorite drink, smiling during awkward pauses, telling you that he thought you were pretty, wanting to extend the night as long as he could, texting you to let you know he had a good time, are all very positive signs. He definitely seems attracted and interested in you. In general we don’t see any issues on his side, well, except the fact that he didn’t walk you to your car, train, or transportation. Maybe he was feeling rejected, but we like to see a guy insist even if he’s feeling insecure. (Just something we had to say.)

We know that you were nervous, especially when you realized this guy was the kind of guy you had always dreamed of, but you need to stop letting your insecurities show. Obviously he’s attracted to you because he contacted you, and because of all the positive signs we noted above. And if a guy is physically attracted to a woman he is willing to give it some time to see if he is into her in other ways. Meaning, your occasional loss of words is certainly not a deal breaker. However your insecurity could be if you’re not careful. Please don’t ask him again if you’re boring. Do you think you’re boring? Probably not, right? So don’t assume he does. Let him make his own mind up. Boring to one person, is interesting to another. It’s all subjective, so there’s no need to put that out there.

Just because he’s an interesting and smart guy doesn’t mean he’s looking for someone just like him. Have you heard of Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences before? Basically Gardner says that people are smart in lots of different ways, and that there is not just one way to be smart. Just because this guy might know a lot about finance, or a variety of topics, and you don’t, doesn’t mean he’s smart and you’re not, or that you’re not good enough for him. If he judges you that way, then he’s not the kind of guy you want anyway.

“Chocobo,” just be yourself. That’s the most attractive quality a person can have. And frankly, you want him to fall for the person you are, not some projection of who you think he wants you to be.

Now to your questions. If he’s a confident guy he should contact you and ask you out again. You more than made up for your abrupt departure by letting him know you had a good time and telling him you were nervous. He should be able to pick up on that. If he doesn’t contact you this week, there’s nothing wrong with sending him another text saying you’d love to see him again. But we think you should wait it out this week. Text him next Monday.

One cautionary note: Hopefully he won’t wait until Thursday or later to ask you out for the weekend. He should be asking you out at least by Wednesday for a weekend date. Spur of the moment dates are great from Sun-Thurs, but not on a Friday and Saturday.

Chocobo—is that your nickname or a made up name?—we think you’ll get to see him again. Be patient. And hang in there. And please keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment—here in the comments section; we’ll respond here as well—or a follow up question if you see him again. Or ask us another question anytime.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Share on Twitter and Facebook. @TGPBuzz.

 

 

Online Dating: Friends with Benefits or something more?

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

Are we “Friends with Benefits” or does he want something more?

The Ex-Files; Friends with Benefits

I “cheated” on my “Friends with Benefits” and now he hates me

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I met this guy on an online dating site six months ago. We started dating but it didn’t last very long—about a month or so. We had a lot in common and a very strong physical attraction to one another but were having trouble communicating. (I’m extroverted and feel comfortable talking openly about my feelings and he’s introverted and never wants to talk about how he feels.) So he decided that we should stop seeing each other and that we needed to transition into a platonic friendship. He kept making it clear that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend because he cared about me a lot. I told him I needed space from him before I could start a normal friendship.

After just a week he emailed me saying he missed me and that he hoped I was doing okay. We started working on our friendship after that and decided to try hanging out as friends about a week later. We ended up in bed. We never talked about what happened.

Since then we have basically acted like a couple. We see each other regularly and text every day. I’m the first person he calls when he needs to talk or when something good happens that he’s excited about. He’s been there for me through some really tough times as well. When we go out for drinks or to the movies he always insists on paying. He introduced me to his entire family. When we part ways he always kisses me—on the lips if we’re in private and on the cheek when we’re in public. (We’re both not really into PDA.) When we sleep together it feels intimate. There’s a lot of kissing and cuddling afterwards, and he always asks me to sleep over. We’re basically each other’s best friend at this point and it really feels like we’re in a relationship. I don’t know what to call this though. I’m not sure if he has feelings for me or not. I know I have feelings for him. I want to bring up the possibility of us being “officially” together but I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not. The reasons why we didn’t work the first time no longer apply since we have gotten to know each other so much better since then and we communicate better.

I guess my primary questions are: is this typical FWB behavior, or does me like me? Do you think it’s safe to bring up being officially together?

Thanks!!

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for your question.

No this isn’t typical “friends with benefits” behavior, at least not from our experience. But each arrangement is different depending on how the two people set it up. Some people hang out a lot as friends and only have sex occasionally, maybe after a party where they’ve had a little too much to drink, or something similar to that. Some people might have a regularly scheduled night where they watch a favorite TV show together, get take out food and then do their thang. The variations are endless.

But your situation illustrates the inherent problem with a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Blurring the lines between friendship and intimacy often creates confusion—and we’d say more so for women. Men seem to be able to compartmentalize the physical and emotional more easily. For men these two realms are separate, and one does not necessarily impact the other. But for many women they are often deeply connected. It seems this is true for you.

So the question is, whether or not this is true for him.

From our vantage point it seems like he’s into you. He’s certainly acting like you are his girlfriend by paying for your evenings out, introducing you to his family, and engaging in more intimate gestures—cuddling, kissing—not always associated with FWB. But the only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it. So yes, it’s safe to bring up the topic, but that’s no guarantee you’ll get the answer you’re hoping for. But at least you’ll get some answer. We think it’s always better to know, rather than to wonder.

We know you’re worried that it might be too soon and that you’ll possibly scare him off. But here’s the thing Jenny. Guys usually know right away whether they want to be with a woman. Sure, your situation is slightly different since you were having communication issues early on, but guys certainly know right away if they’re physically attracted to a woman, which without, there is no relationship for a guy. So what that means is, more time together isn’t going to make him more into you than he already is. Trust us, he already knows how he feels, even if he “hems and haws” when you talk. And our rule of thumb is simple when it comes to having “the talk.” If you’re having intimate physical relations it’s not too early to talk about, and define, the relationship.

So we say go for it. And we very much hope it works out for you. (For both of you) But if he says he wants to keep it the way it is—a “friends with benefits” arrangement—at least you’ll have all the information you need to decide how you want to proceed.

We hope this helps. Please keep us posted. (Leave us a comment and we’ll respond back in the comments section.)

Please let your friends know about us. Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz 

And good luck,

THE GUYS

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

 

 

 

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Online Dating Part 1- How to create a successful online dating profile

Please share our videos with your friends. Subscribe to our  You Tube Channel!  Thanks.

More Videos to Watch:

Also watch Online Dating Part 2 and Part 3

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Guys are comfortable with conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

 

Script of Video:

Online dating began long before computers. It began at a time when the printed word ruled the media landscape, where a cloud meant rain and the net was a tool used to catch things. But back then online dating was called: The Personal Ads.

The personals were mostly found in an isolated back section of the newspaper clearly demarcated from the paper’s more journalistic endeavors. The personals WERE used by a few brave souls, but were mostly fodder for humorous discussion with friends at a bar, wondering aloud who these brave souls were, and why they were desperate enough to respond to a personal ad, or even worse, post one themselves.

However, the concept of the personal ad was solid, and with the advent of the net, Online Dating was created to replace the awkward experience of the personals. Today Online dating is universally accepted, used by millions of people worldwide, all hoping to find what they are looking for: Some sort of connection. However, not everyone has a successful experience with online dating.

Some blame surely belongs to the actual institution. And there will always be stalkers and predators manipulating and taking advantage of the system for their own gains. But part of the problem clearly lies with the normal every day user.

Too many people quickly throw together a profile that doesn’t help their cause. The pictures aren’t flattering, the description is flat, and the whole composite is poorly constructed. The key is to differentiate yourself. This is your dating resume. This is your one chance to pique someone’s interest. You gotta really go for it!

Here are some tips to help you set up a profile that will attract those paramours you so desire.

Step 1: It’s all about the photo. And by photo we mean just you. Not you with your dog, or pet gerbil, or even your kids. Your profile picture needs to give people a sense of you. For the guys out there, it’s not a bad idea to shave and put on a clean shirt. No hats, and definitely not sunglasses. For the ladies, find a picture that represents you in a flattering light. Sexy is okay, but even better, something demure that suggests that what’s underneath is sexy. And please be honest! Don’t put up a photo of you twenty years ago. Remember, the goal is to move beyond the screen to an actual Face-to-Face. At some point you will meet this other person. And if you look different from your online picture that clearly sends a message that you can’t be trusted. Not a great start.

One final note: Make sure the picture is actually you. 

Step 2: Write a fun, unique description. This is very difficult for most people. It’s hard to say great things about yourself without sounding conceited. But this is the second most important piece of the profile.

Here are some tips for writing a great description: 

Stay Positive- Don’t say all things you don’t want about a person. Describe what you DO want in a partner. (Check out our videos on How to write a great profile. Part 2 and Part 3 of our Online Dating series.)

Create a Personality- Be you. Be unique. We want to know about you specifically. Don’t make it generic.

Make it fun- No one wants to date a stiff.

Be inviting- This means, just make it easy for someone to want to contact you. Don’t scare them away!

Make it Short -Be as economical as you can. We want to know about you quickly. If we like what we read we’ll want the longer version later!

Don’t give more info than is needed. If you don’t really care about religion or politics, then don’t list your religion or political party. Remember, it’s all about being inviting, so why limit your potential suitors?

Check out Part 2 and 3 of our online dating series. Coming this week!

 

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

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Hi There Guys,

I need some dating advice. It appears I’m quite domineering when I date men; I seem to be quick to tell a guy when he’s not doing things the right way. Or if he isn’t courting me at all, I tend to give them a mouthful. For example: I went on a date with a guy a week ago, he asked me out; when the bill arrived he refused to pay for it. I excused myself and went to the bathroom, and upon returning the bill was still sitting there. He then went to the bathroom, came back, and by that time I had asked the waitress to split the bill, so I could pay for myself. This guy says, “So you’re not paying for me?” To which I replied, “Hell no, pay for yourself!”

He made a few other jokes indicating that he was low status. He jokingly stated that he took the bus. The next day he texts me telling me he’s into and would like to see me again. I bluntly gave him dating advice. Some of which would easily blow a man’s ego to shreds. So my question is: How to I keep patient with men who are just so stupid? I feel like stupid men are everywhere? Or perhaps I’m just too domineering. Sometimes I feel like I’m actually doing a guy disservice by not saying anything. A clueless guy should know when he’s being clueless, so that he can apply new knowledge with future women. Perhaps other women can enjoy the fruits of my labor?

Any advice would help.

I’m actually a nice woman, so please be gentle with me.

Sandy

ps. My other question has to do with how some guys act interested but then don’t organize the date, and put it on me to organize it, when they should be the ones doing it if they’re courting me?

Dear Sandy,

We don’t doubt you’re a very nice woman. Sure you may be a little domineering, but we think the real problem lies with the individual guys you’re dealing with. So our answer is more directed at the men out there, rather than you, or other women reading this.

First of all guys: If you ask a women out to dinner, expect to pay. In fact, you should insist on paying, unless for some reason you and your prospective date have had a conversation before you actually go out. And it’s our experience that if a woman insists on going “dutch” on a first date, she’s likely not interested in anything more than being friends. And guys, if you’re feeling broke, then don’t ask a woman to dinner. Take her out for lunch, or even coffee. If she likes you, she’ll be happy to spend time with you in any capacity.

Second of all guys: All the planning for your date falls on your shoulders. Women like to be surprised. (If it’s a good surprise of course.) But you get big points for being creative, or at least trying. If it doesn’t work out, then try laughing at yourself, which will be disarming, and come across as somewhat charming. (If you want to ask your prospective date for any particular type of food she doesn’t like that’s fine, but never put the burden of figuring out the evening on her. )

Sandy, we can see why acted the way you did, although most women probably would have grudgingly paid the bill and then vowed never to speak to the guy again. Sure you might be a bit more assertive than some, but we’d be just as annoyed by both of the scenarios you’ve painted for us.

Our advice is to keep being how you are. Maybe you’re helping these guys by speaking up about their behavior, but most likely they’re the kind of people that will deflect your barbs and assume it’s your problem. We suggest screening your potential dating candidates a little more closely before you agree to go out with them. Or maybe try meeting guys a bit more organically: Take a class, join a book group, go on a chartered travel vacation, or help out with some charity. There are a lot of different ways of meeting people, and doing something you care about will ensure that you’re meeting people with similar values.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. And leave us a follow up comment.

 

 

Online dating question

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Hi guys,

I recently came across your Podcasts and I wanted to let you know that I really enjoy and appreciate what it is that you guys do. It’s refreshing to hear from men that can seriously answer questions from women without a bunch of high-fiving and smart comments!

So here’s my question… About 3 years ago I was in a relationship with a man who died unexpectedly. We hadn’t been dating that long but I was still pretty shaken up by the experience and have been a little gun-shy about dating since then. A friend of mine suggested that I give on-line dating a try so I did. After having a profile up for a few weeks I started corresponding with a man which eventually moved into talking on the phone. He lived one town over so we decided to get to know each other a bit before committing to a visit. I felt like we were really hitting it off… we would talk sometimes for 3-4 hours at a time, always laughing and having conversations that I really enjoyed. We talked on the phone every night for about 10 days in a row when we started to make plans to meet. I was really excited about the possibilities and just knew in my heart that I would get along really well with this guy. Then, one night during our conversation he asked me why I wasn’t currently in a relationship so I told him about what had happened with my last boyfriend. He was very nice, acted like it was no big deal and even offered to listen if I ever wanted to talk about it. So we said goodnight soon after and I went to bed. After that I never talked to him again… I received a few text messages but eventually those died off as well. Needless to say, I was disappointed but I tried to take it in stride. I realize that not every person that I meet or talk to is going to be interested in me.

My question for you guys though… do you think that revealing to this guy that my last boyfriend had passed away could have scared him off? Should I not tell people that I meet in the future about it? I try not to make it a big deal but it does affect how I think about relationships, so I want to be upfront, but I don’t want men thinking that I have a ton of emotional baggage either. Also, I know that you can’t read his mind but could you try to give me some kind of insight into what he could have been thinking? I’m trying to be practical about this but it still hurts when you think that you’ve connected with someone and they disappear.

Thanks again for all that you do!

Megan

Dear Megan,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry to hear about your ex-boyfriend. Whether you knew him a month or ten years, it’s never easy to have someone die, especially unexpectedly. But you still sound open to beginning a new relationship, even as you deal with the loss. So that’s a positive moving forward.

We think it might have been too soon to tell this man about your past. Not all men are going to be spooked, but he definitely was. We’re curious how you told the story, or how you plan to tell it in the future? Your instincts are good about being open, and not hiding your past, but there’s a time and a place for everything. And there’s also a HOW. Since we don’t know the details on what happened with your ex, we can’t say what the best way to approach it is, but we will say there’s definitely many ways to tell your story, and you have to think carefully about the best way to open up. And of course you’ll have to modify it for each person, since everyone is different.

Now as far as WHEN to say something: If someone asks you again why you are single, just tell them you’ve been in a few relationships that didn’t work out and leave it at that. You’re not lying, you’re just holding off on a few details until things are a little more solidified with the new person. And by that we mean going out on actual dates over a few months or so.

Unfortunately you’ve acquired baggage from your past. Like people who are divorced, or those with kids, you now come with a more complex bag of “stuff” than the average single person. Of course you don’t mention how old you are, so we assume you are younger than most “widows,” which might be the reason this guy got spooked.  Guys don’t expect to hear about ex-boyfriends dying if they meet a girl in her twenties, thirties, and maybe even forties. And it’s definitely enough to cause him to bolt because he assumes you’ll be coming with a lot of emotional baggage, as you feared. But once again, only because it was too soon to tell him, and because he didn’t know you beyond your conversations on the phone. He pictured you as this fun loving, smart, sexy woman, and after you told him about your past, that perception changed. The fun loving piece was likely replaced by a much more serious image of you, which he wasn’t ready to deal with. We’re sorry. It isn’t fair, and isn’t cool, but at least you’ll know moving forward that you have to be a bit more protective of your past, at least at the beginning.

And finally just to reiterate, think about how you want to deliver this message to someone new. Ultimately the right person will accept you for who you are, and what you bring to the table.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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