Why is he hiding me from his family? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

Why do guys call when they’re drunk?

Dear Guys,

Simple enough question, simple enough answer right? I’m expecting the answer to be along the lines of “booty call.”

BUT what if the guy who calls you is your platonic guy best friend of four years? He never wants to come and see me; he’s just always very soppy and loving and expressive when he’s drunk. He calls me and gets into the “I’m a lover not a fighter but if anyone ever layed a finger on you they’d have me to answer to,” kind of conversations. He’s even once called me drunk from the other side of the world on a lad’s holiday twice on two separate occasions tell me he loves me, misses me etc.

So why do guys call you when they’re drunk if you’re nothing more than friends?

Elle

Dear Elle,

Thanks for your question. Simple answer. Because he wants to be more than friends with you.

We don’t see this as a “booty call” inquiry. If so, why would he call from some distant place with no possible way of reaching you? We’ll answer our own question. Because you were on his mind. He was probably telling his buddies how into you he was, and how he missed you, and how he wished he could get the courage to talk with you, but he doesn’t want to make things awkward, so they said, “Just call her. Tell her.” And so a drunk call ensued. But since he was drunk he was less than articulate, and probably forgot the reason he was calling in the first place. Or chickened out.

At least that’s our interpretation. Are you surprised? What do you think? Would you be into having a relationship with this guy beyond friends?

Leave us a comment or ask a follow up question. (In the comments’ section below.) Also, please let your friends know about us. Share below on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or wherever you frequent.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Can a guy and a girl really be friends?

Hey Guys!

So I’m 18, and have a platonic friendship with a guy who’s 21. We’ve been friends for almost four years but the last two years our friendship really became a solid one.

We used to argue a lot when we were younger and we did have our problems, to the point where I needed a break and cut him out of my life for six months. But after that break we got talking again and we’ve eventually regained our friendship. We haven’t had a single argument in the past nine months; we’re equals to each other; we share everything; we know each other inside out; we can express how we feel or if the other has annoyed us we can tell each other without it becoming a problem or turning into an argument; we respect each other; we care; we’re protective of one another (him more so over me than what I am over him); we trust one another and always encourage and want only the best for one another. And admittedly I do love him to pieces and I know he loves me, but in a strictly platonic way. He’s my go to guy, the one I want to call when I have good or bad news, and he’s the guy who calls me from the other side of the world to ask me how an interview went. The one person who always sees the best in me and can always make me smile.

Now my question is, that’s how I see our friendship. Recently some of the things he’s said and done have caused me to wonder about how he sees our friendship compared to the way I see it.

For example, recently a guy who I’ve known for a while—he knows him too, but doesn’t know him personally—became a romantic interest of mine. And my guy friend doesn’t like him. He doesn’t know him or anything about him, but after one incident where this guy walked me home and tried it on, which I refused his advances, my guy best friend automatically does not like him. He tells me this guys a creep, that if this guy ever wants to walk me home again, he needs to have his permission to do so. He’s involving himself too much in my personal life, and I don’t even involve myself in his. He’s told me that every time he sees this guy he feels irritated and wants to tell him to “fuck off.”

Then recently after a night out, he was about to walk a girl home and we bumped into each other. We hugged and he asked me to text him when I got home to know I was safe. He then called me (drunk) and told me the girl had asked who I was and he’d told her that I was his “friend with benefits.” (When our friendship is nothing of the sort and nothing like that had ever happened between us in the whole four years we’ve known each other.) So you can understand why I paused in my response as I didn’t know what to say to that.

Is he just being overprotective with this guy who’s shown and interest in me or does he see our friendship in a different way that I do? If so what should I do?

Elle

Dear Elle,

Thanks for your question. Here’s a related question we previously answered: What does my best friend want?

The answer starts with you. What do you want? Let’s say he was interested in being more than friends with you—we think he might be. Would you be interested in him romantically? Because how you proceed will be based on how you answer those questions. You need to be completely honest with yourself. Could you see him as more than a friend? Not, do you wish you could see him as more than a friend, but could you actually see yourself romantically involved with him? Or do you strictly view him as your closest friend?

It’s a risk for either of you to express that you might want more from the relationship. He’s skirting around the issue, dropping hints, exaggerating to other people about your relationship, being overprotective, and frankly, protecting his “territory.” Don’t get upset. That’s just how guys are when they care about a woman. It’s not that he sees you as someone who needs protecting, or who even wants it, it’s just his guy instincts kicking in.

It’s unlikely he’ll come right out and tell you he wants more from you, unless he’s drunk again. It’s too much of a risk for three reasons. 1. He doesn’t want to lose your friendship. 2. He doesn’t want to embarrass himself. 3. If he doesn’t say anything he can always hope that he still might have a chance with you. If he says something and you don’t feel the same way, then the opportunity is lost forever.

So once again Elle, what do you want?

It is possible we could be misinterpreting his actions, but it seems we see what you do. At least we’re assuming, otherwise why would you have written to us wondering what was going on.

If you only see him as a friend you need to start establishing clearer boundaries. He shouldn’t be getting involved in your romantic interests, and he has no right to comment about the guys you are interested in unless you ask his opinion directly. He also needs to back off the overprotective guy mode and remember the two of you are just close friends. And finally he needs to stop exaggerating about your relationship to other people. That’s just a subtle way of gaining control over you, like he can steer this relationship in the direction he wants. But unfortunately these parameters need to come from you. You’re going to have to say something, otherwise he’s going to continue behaving this way.

We wish we could give you a definitive answer, but alas, the decision is up to you. Have you thought of having a talk with him about what’s really going on? If you want more from him, have you thought of telling him? At some point—probably sooner rather than later—the two of you need to hash all of these things out. Otherwise this could boil over into a situation where you need to “break up” for a time, like you did before.

What do you think? Leave us a comment, or a follow up question in the comment’s section below.

Also, we’re hoping you’ll share our site with your friends. Also share on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus, or wherever you tend to frequent. We’d appreciate it. Thanks!

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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My friend doesn’t want a relationship and he won’t let me go

Hey Guys,

I really need your help… I have this best friend. A guy I’ve BEEN best friends with for the past four or so years, and we have always been connected on a very deep, emotional level. He has had a rather difficult past and personal life with his family that has caused him to have difficulty being emotionally open with people. Now, it was always quite evident to myself, my best friends, and even his, that he had developed powerful feelings for me, and I him. People often asked the both of us if we were dating, or why we weren’t, and our close friends would get frustrated with us for not “just trying it.”

After years of receiving mixed signals, I finally gave up and told him about my feelings for him several months ago. But I told him that I was only telling him about it because I wanted him to let me go. He told me he was sorry and that he didn’t feel the same for me, but also got really mad and angry and frustrated, saying that I was being immature for thinking I had to let him go to get over my feelings. And after not only a month of silence, he asked to be with me.

The main conflict with our relationship was that it would only have been able to last two months, because he was going to college and I was staying in our town. We agreed on these terms, and it was honestly the most incredible relationship I have ever been in. He was a very loving, caring boyfriend. He told me he loved me, nervously, one time (which was why I thought it was special, it only happened once). By the end of the two months, despite confessing that we both wanted to, we didn’t even have sex, mostly on his initiative, he said he “couldn’t do that to me” because he was leaving. So he left for two months, still called me every single weekend and texted/chatted me constantly, he came back, and is leaving again in two weeks. My feelings didn’t change, but when I told him that, he said that his had.

I don’t understand how they could have gone away so quickly after being there for SO long? I’m fine with him just not wanting to get my hopes up for a long distance relationship which was why we broke up, I’m even fine if he had just lied to me about his feelings for me, which he has done before. I’m keeping my eyes open to other guys because I want to be smart about this, but I don’t know what to do about my feelings for him. I dated other people while I was just friends with him too, but even then my feelings didn’t subside completely. I don’t even know if I can take continuing on with him as a friend; it hurts me to even think about having to bear it, but at the same time, I’m one of the only people he opens up to about himself and he’s been more like family to me than my real family, and I don’t want to let him go.

He knows it’s hurting me, but he won’t let me go either. What does he want from me?

Thanks

Ariadne

Dear Ariadne,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re hurting so much.

The issue you have, is that he doesn’t want from you, what you want from him. Sure, he may have given a relationship a go with you, but that was because he feared losing you. He values your friendship, loves you deeply, and clearly considers you his closest confidante, but for whatever reason he’s not interested in a romantic relationship with you. And besides his capitulation over the summer, he’s been pretty clear about this from the get go. We don’t see a flip-flop here. What we see is a guy who very much wants to be in love with you, but knows deep down that he’s not.

There could be several reasons for this. We feel you need to consider all of them in order to help you move on.

1. He’s not attracted to you physically. (Likes a different type of woman.)

2. He’s gay.

3. A combination of #1 and #2. Meaning, he’s not attracted to you BECAUSE he’s gay.

We know you mention a 4rth possible explanation but we don’t think that’s the case. (That he’s emotionally unavailable.) Why? Because a guy will still try to have sex with a woman even if he’s not emotionally available. In fact that’s pretty much all he’ll be looking for.

The thing is Ariadne, you present evidence to support all the possible explanations. And we believe all of them are worth exploring, especially if you’re trying to move on. Sometimes there is no good explanation for why a person doesn’t feel that butterfly feeling. Believe us, he wishes he did. You’re perfect for him in almost every way. It’s possible he doesn’t understand it himself, or it’s possible he does but does not want to share his true feelings with you, or reveal something to you he’s not comfortable revealing.

The other thing that’s interesting is the gender reversal that’s playing out here. Typically it’s the woman who doesn’t understand why the guy needs to cut off all contact. This woman doesn’t realize that if a guy wants to be intimate with a particular woman, just the thought of this woman being with other guys sexually is just brutal. In your situation it’s playing out just the opposite, which also supports one of our theories.

So how do you move on?

1. Finding out the true reason he doesn’t want to be with you might help you.

2. Distance. (This always makes it easier.)

3. Falling in love with someone else. (This shows you’ve truly moved on, but it’s a situation of the chicken and the egg. Because is it even possible to fall in love with someone else when you’re pining for a different person?)

4. Cutting off all ties. (This may help you, but it also might amplify your feelings, and make you miss him more.)

5. Tone down the friendship. (Take away the intensity and just be friends. Probably a nice compromise.)

Finally, we really think he’s being selfish. You’re telling him how difficult this is and he’s saying, “Get over it. I need you. You’re being immature.” Actually, he’s being immature for not “hearing” you and trying to help you understand what’s going on for him. He’s putting his needs over yours, and that’s something to seriously think about. If you were in a relationship with him, we wonder how else he might put his needs first? Just sayin’

Please leave us a comment below and let us know your thoughts. And ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Did he cheat?; I’m not sure what’s right from wrong?

Dear Guys,

If you met someone in a random city and spent days together and nothing happened, then returned to living in separate countries but struck up an internet friendship that over two months led to a romantic rendezvous in a foreign city for one week which went amazing, then one month later you (the girl) goes to his city to see him,..then find he has been messaging with a fuck buddy of his two days prior to your arrival to come and take her clothes of at his house…is this a red flag?

The situation is so unique, but the reason I ask is that we had already talked about me coming to see him, and him coming to see me, and I am actually moving to his city soon..so was this cheating? Even though we had never defined anything and I was not exactly the most forth-coming?

He says he is 100% invested and that this was some sort of last hurrah, but I am worried that I’ll never get this out of my mind as some sort of betrayal, despite my liking him a lot..and understanding how this could have happened, given we have known each other only five months and spent 2 weeks together physically in total. But then again in that five months we chatted everyday.

BooBooBamBam

Dear BooBooBamBam,

Thanks for your question. An interesting situation indeed.

It’s very likely he’s telling the truth. That this was one last “hurrah” and that he’s 100% committed to you. That’s all well and good, but where does that leave you? That’s the question here. He didn’t technically cheat on you since the two of you never had the “are we exclusive” conversation, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t betray your unspoken emotional connection. And herein lies the problem.

If the roles were reversed a guy would have a hard time getting over this betrayal. But it wouldn’t be about some imagined emotional connection with some guy, it would be about the sex. He would say to his woman, “Why did you need to do that? Is he better than me? Is he bigger than me? Do you like the sex more with him? Am I not enough for you?” But we imagine for you it’s more about the bond he may have for this woman, and the fact that you’re not sure you can trust him.

We can reassure you that if guys are unattached they will try to get as much sex as they can, within reason of course. He probably thought to himself, “I might as well get one more taste before I commit myself to this person who I really care about.” But we don’t think it was anything more than that. (If that’s reassuring at all.) As far as trusting him again, you have to trust your gut on that. We can’t look into his heart and tell you what he’s thinking. You need to base that on his overall behavior and how he treats you and this relationship. Positives to look for: Is he a good communicator? Does he share his feelings? Does he listen to you? Does he try to solve problems with you? How does he treat other people? How is he with his friends/family? All of these things give you a sense of his true character, which will help you determine who he really is, and if you’ll be able to trust him in the future.

Our suggestion: If you really love this man, and truly believe this relationship has a chance, then talk to him about how you feel and try to work through this. If he makes it difficult well, then you’ll have your answer. If he’s contrite, and willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you then you know he’s really committed to you, and it could be worth exploring.

What do you think? How do you feel about this?

Leave us a comment below, and feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

THE GUYS

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I’m not comfortable with having sex

Dear Guys,

Ive been dating this guy for about a month and he has asked me to be his girlfriend a few times. The reason I have said no is because I’m not 100% sure if he is the one for me. I figure we just need to get to know each other more for me to decide if that is what I want.

But my question is, I know he is talking about sex later on, and I know for 100% that in the relationship at one point, he wants to do it. But the thing is, after my last boyfriend, sex is the last thing on my mind.And I really do not want to do it again for a while. But I’m scared if we do start going out and we don’t have sex, that he will get bored and cheat on me. Even though if he says it’s okay not to have sex, I’m still scared he will cheat on me. I haven’t told him how I feel yet because I don’t know what to do. Please help

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your question.

You have a legitimate concern, and believe us, you’re not alone in your concern about this issue. Yes, if you start going out he will want to have sex with you. That’s normal, typical, and something that people do when they’re in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean it’s a requirement. What is a requirement is you being comfortable and happy. You shouldn’t feel scared to tell a guy you’re not ready to have sex. And you should only do things that you feel totally comfortable with and sure about.

However, here is something to keep in mind. Right now you’re feeling nervous, scared, apprehensive about a relationship and sex. Those feelings are based on the last guy you went out with and whatever experiences you had with him, which obviously weren’t positive. But you might be surprised. If you decide you like this person enough to give a relationship a try you might find that your initial fears fade away. And that he’s a very different person than your last boyfriend.

The key here is talk to him about how you feel. The right guy won’t run away, or cheat on you, if and when you express your concerns. (As long as you also express how you feel about him and that you care about him, etc.) The right guy will want do everything in his power to make you feel comfortable and happy. And what may happen Ashley, is that once you realize this guy is different than your last, you might change your mind about the physical aspect of the relationship.

Since we don’t know this guy personally we can’t say what his intentions are so we’re not saying he’s the perfect guy. We don’t know really, and that’s for you to judge. (Best to trust your gut on that, and consult friends or others that know him. Watch our videos on those topics. Check these out: Listen to your friends or Getting Played/Trust your gut.) But, in order to have fulfilling relationships in your life you need to try and stay open and judge each person one at a time, otherwise your baggage is going to get in the way of you being happy.

Lastly, we just want to reiterate: You should never feel forced into doing something you don’t want to do. You opening up should be on your timeline only. Hopefully he’ll understand that if you choose to give this a try.

What do you think? Does this make sense to you? We’d love to hear your thoughts. (Leave it in the comments section below.) And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

What can I do to encourage guys to ask me out?

Dear Guys,

What can I do to encourage guys to ask me out?

Ok, so I have this friend. We have about the same kind of personalities, but it seems that wherever we go: to parties or even in class, guys just naturally want to hang out with her. And they approach her first to ask her out. It’s not the same for me. I feel like I can be a little shy, but not too much, and I’m not afraid to start a conversation with a guy. So why is it that guys don’t just naturally want to ask me out or be around me? I really don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I don’t really feel like it’s an issue of looks.

So I guess in general, I’m just wondering what can I do to subtly encourage guys to ask me out? I also don’t want to come across as a really ditsy, flirty girl. Just subtle things that would encourage a guy to feel more comfortable around me, like my friend has somehow mastered.

Please help? Thanks!

Lizzie

Dear Lizzie,

Thanks for your question.

Of course the first thing that came to mind is, this could be an issue with looks—yes, guys are that superficial, at least at first— but you say it’s not, so we’ll focus on other things. (We don’t know what you both look like, but if you’re a certain age—on the younger side—and she possesses certain, um, “assets” that could be a draw for guys, especially the younger variety.) Just a thought.

But let’s move on. First of all it’s best not to compare yourself to your friend. (Sorry if we did already.) Just because guys are hitting on her and not you when you’re together doesn’t mean this would happen everywhere you went. It’s just those particular guys want what she’s got. So you need to separate the two issues: 1.You compared with her. and 2. Guys not asking you out. They are separate. And since it’s you asking, we’ll focus on you.

Here are reasons why guys don’t ask women out:

1. They’re not attracted enough to them.

2. They’re intimidated.

3. Woman is out of their league. (Goes along with #2.)

4. Woman doesn’t seem interested. (Conversation is difficult, etc.)

5. Woman has nothing to say.

6. Woman is with a bunch of her friends. (Too difficult to approach.)

There are probably more but that pretty much covers it. So when you look at that list do you recognize anything in particular?

Here are some suggestions for you to try or think about:

1. A good place to start is to go out without your friend, almost as a test. See what happens. She might be unintentionally blocking you. It could be the dynamic the two of you have that creates a situation where you get left in the dust.

2. Be aware of your body language. Are you giving off some sort of signal that says, “Stay away” ? (Just be aware.)

3. Guys love to talk about themselves. (Everybody does in some way.) Make it easy for them. Ask lots of questions. Pretend you’re interested. (Hopefully you are.)

4. Be yourself. (This isn’t really a suggestion, but we still think it’s the best policy.)

Honestly, Lizzie, just be patient. We’re sure it’s only a matter of time before you meet some great guy. Let us know if you try any of these suggestions and how they work. Keep us posted please. And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. Leave us a note in the comments section below.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other related posts:

Can a guy’s taste really change?

I’m short and I don’t feel beautiful

Strictly friends or more?

Dear Guys,

I am 54, and five years ago went on a blind date with a guy who is 64. We dated for eight months, without becoming romantically involved, as he said he did not want a serious relationship with anyone at the time. After eight months he realized I was in love with him, so he broke it off, and we remained friends. Since then he calls me every few weeks to see how I am, and we go out to dinner or cook for each other every couple of months.

I still love him, and we both casually date others. My question is, do you think this man really cares for me, and could his feelings deepen someday, or am I just a convenient social outlet? We used to go out with his friends, but after we broke up, it is just the two of us when we see each other. I have never met a man that I was so compatible with, or for whom I have had more respect.

Thanks for any insight into this long-term friendship…

Debra

Dear Debra,

Thanks for your question.

We wouldn’t say you’re just a convenient social outlet. It seems like this man really cares for you and values your friendship, which we think is nothing to scoff at. (Not that you’re doing that.)

However, if he had romantic intentions he would have made his move by now. Sure, feelings can deepen, but guys typically know right away whether or not they are interested in being more than friends with a woman. He’s had plenty of time, and you’ve given him plenty of opportunities, and told him how you feel, so we don’t see this blossoming into anything more.

That said, it sounds like you’ve met a good guy, and someone you enjoy spending time with. We’d say keep it going if it’s not too painful for you. Feel free to ask us a follow up question if you’d like. Leave your question or comment in the comments section below.

Enjoy and all the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My girlfriend is cheating with more than one guy

Dear Guys,

I have been seeing a woman who told me she wasn’t in a relationship. She called me one night to tell me she has been seeing a guy who talked her into having sex with other men while he watches. I have told her she is in a potentially dangerous situation. She says she enjoys it.

I am devastated. What should I do? This I find out has been going on for a couple of years.

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through a tough time.

Well, the one positive thing we see here is that she at least was honest with you, and felt compelled to tell you what she was up to. However, besides the obvious physical danger she could be in, we have to wonder about her self-esteem. How does she view herself? That’s not to say that women can’t engage in sexual activity that men might even be lauded for. (Its quite the double-standard in our society.) But the question is more, why is she doing this particular activity? Is it because she truly enjoys it for what it is? Is it because she wants to please the guy who is watching? Is it because she’s trying to make you jealous? What is it?

We’re not so sure this woman is ready for a relationship.Being open to trying new things is a great quality. And dating a women who is open to trying new sexual things is a bonus. (At least that’s what we’ve heard from many guys.) But having a partner who is willing to do anything and everything just to gain approval, means that person is putting the needs of others before her own. That may sound enticing at the onset, but it’s guaranteed to get tiring pretty quickly. (It’s nice to know our partner has his/her own ideas, and is not afraid to express those ideas.) Mutual respect is important for relationships to grow.

The other question is, how serious is your relationship? Or rather, how serious do you think your relationship is? Her view of your relationship seems to be different than yours. Once you figure out the first problem—her questionable activity— you’re still left with working out a relationship that works for both of you. (If that’s even possible.)

Thomas, start with trying to sort out why she’s behaving like she’s behaving. Then if you still want her back the two of you need to sit down and decide how you want to proceed moving forward. If you’re not sure about all of this, then now’s an easy time to move on.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. And let your friends know about us. Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. (Below in the comments section.)

My guy friend; is he playing me?

Hey Guys,

So I’ve been friends with this guy – Steven – for two and a half years. I’m 22 and he’s 23, and we met while at college, studying the same course. I feel like there’s so much to tell you about him, but I’ll try and condense it.

We’ve always had a very strange friendship; I don’t think he’s been friends with many females before me, and I had a lot of trouble getting him to open up. But basically, after about a year, I started to like him, and unfortunately (due to me foolishly confiding in friends) he ended up finding out. I admitted it to him, and in a bit of an awkward conversation, he told me he didn’t feel that way about me, spurted out all this talk about how I was “perfect marriage material” and that he didn’t want me to have to deal with his past. I’m not stupid, I realize it’s all talk so he doesn’t hurt me by bluntly saying, “No I’m not interested.” So I said that was fine, that we can still stay friends, and it was done.

I guess my main question here is that I’m feeling like I’m being played/manipulated by him. Although I’ve moved on to an extent (I think my feelings may always be there a little, but I’ve realized he’s not the right guy for me and I wouldn’t date him now.) I feel like he still clings to the confidence that he gains from knowing that I once liked him. He often tells me about girls in his life, and he’ll be quick to offer me to ‘hook up’ with one of his friends, which I always decline because I hate blind dates.

One time, a mutual friend of ours wanted to ask me out, and he confided in Steven, who told him NOT to ask me out. Why? I only found this out because of a friend who was eavesdropping; I’ve never asked Steven about it. Yet he maintains, according to other friends, that I’m just a friend to him and that’s it.

Also when we’re out in town dancing, the next day he’ll tell me about ‘all these guys that were eying you off,’ yet at the time this was happening, he doesn’t tell me. If it’s other friends, they’ll tell me right then and there. He doesn’t. Why tell me the next day? What’s he getting at?

Recently, I’ve tried setting him up with a girl, but he’s really hesistant. He is keeping in touch with her (just platonically) for the moment, and I often help him with advice. The funny thing is, recently I asked him for advice about this other guy that’s been on my mind, and he completely avoided the conversation the whole night. He knew I wanted to talk to him about it, but he he didn’t give me an open slot to bring it up.

I’m always happy to talk to him about girls, so what’s his problem?

Also, after years of being friends, Steven has never introduced me to his family. If he invites me over, it’s when no one is home. He always says he will, but then doesn’t. He opens up with me about things he hasn’t even told his mum. He’s quick to tell me HOW much I mean to him, but rarely shows it. When we’ve had arguments; he’s told me that he’d never let the friendship go, that he’d come banging on my door if I ever tried to end the friendship. That he’d always fight for me.

Another weird thing – he takes, generally, about 24 hrs to reply to a msg I send him. Not even kidding. What’s he doing for 24 hrs that it takes him that long to reply? Is this some sort of game he’s playing? Then if i take an hour to reply back, he won’t answer me till the next afternoon?

I just feel like he can be so genuine and sincere, and I find myself being drawn to him, before he’ll ruin it all by acting withdrawn or condescending the next time I see him, making me feel foolish for falling for it and opening myself up to him.

We’re purely physical by the way. I just want to know if he’s emotionally manipulating me like I think he is, and what you think I should do about it? What does he want from me?

I’m usually good at reading guys, I give all my friends advice, but this guy has got my mind reeling. I’m sick of his games.

Should I just end the friendship?

Any help would be great, I’m desperate for some good advice.

Thanks in advance guys, I’ll be sure to give you a donation.

Sophie

Dear Sophie,

Thanks for your question. We thought we understood your question until you said, ‘we’re purely physical.’ Wait, does this mean you’re sleeping with this guy? Because if so, his actions make much more sense. Please explain. For the purpose of this post we’re going to assume you are sleeping with him.

First of all, a FWB arrangement is not what you want here. And if that’s what’s going on you need to end that quickly. He might not be interested in a committed long-term relationship with you but he’s being territorial about you when it comes to other guys. He’s got a good thing going—a great friend and issue-free sex—so he doesn’t want some other guy moving in on his ‘good thing.’ So yes, he is manipulating the situation in that regard.

Sophie, ask yourself what you’re getting from this friendship. Are you secretly hoping he’ll come around? (Even though you say you’re not.) Be honest with yourself. If the answer is no, then stop the FWB and just be friends with the guy. If the answer is yes, then stop the FWB relationship and stop spending so much time with him. This friendship is actually impeding your ability to date other guys, because it’s keeping you emotionally hostage. Well, it’s more that you’re doing it to yourself by relying on him for so much.

Our suggestion: Dial this friendship back. Set up some clear boundaries. Lower your expectations to normal levels, to friendship levels. And start going out with other people away from this circle of friends. Overall, we think it’s time to move on from this situation as hard as that may be. This friendship is not good for you if you really want to meet some great guy and have a committed relationship.

As per his slow response time. In a word, inconsiderate. (A red-flag actually.) Is that the kind of person you want to have a relationship with? He might be fun to hang out with, but he seems to be getting more from the relationship than you.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

How do I approach guys without them getting too worked up?

Dear Guys,

I usually go for the ‘nerdy’ guys because I’m a gamer and like Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, etc. And, being 16, I’ve never had a boyfriend, probably because I was at the all girl’s school. But when I do meet a guy, he’s usually a douche who thinks they’re ontop and can get all the girls. I can see that they get turned on by me, even without the slightest bit of flirting, but I feel a bit uncomfortable when it’s just the two of us because I don’t see anything I’m interested in. They are the type of over-confident, get-in-your-pants sort of guys, which is fine (and hot) but not really ‘love’ for me. Only one of the twenty I’ve met has been humble and shy with respect towards girls, but he was already in a relationship. He also said that he found me attractive and far from desperate. I know that some guys aren’t mature yet and go crazy when girls get too close. I just keep losing the ‘nerds’ to girls who don’t really like them, and attract the ones I don’t like and just want me for ‘it.’

How do I approach a guy I don’t know without being too flirty that it makes them horny (which is hot)? Also, how much do you change when you’re in a relationship? Also, is it better for girls to judge funny and smarts over looks? And, how do quiet guys see girls who are out of their ‘league?’ How do I tell them that they can have a chance with me? I’m sorry, I’m really new. Everyone says, ‘How are you still single?’ and ‘You can do WAY better than that.’ I don’t understand. I know common interests are a great place to start but the all girls school is annoying.

Mona

Dear Mona,

Thanks for your questions.

Our first piece of advice—which will be difficult for you because it’s difficult for anyone in high school—is to stop listening to your friends or classmates. They don’t know what’s best for you, only you do. And what do they mean when they say you can do better than that? What are they basing that on? Looks? Popularity? Coolness? In a word: whatever.

All young guys are horny and out of control, especially high school guys. This doesn’t stop with the over-confident athletic guys, yes, even the nerdy guys are. (They’re just too embarrassed to show it. And maybe too nice.) But rest assured they’re thinking the same thoughts as the other guys. But they’ll also be thinking about how interesting you are, and they’ll be thinking they want you as their girlfriend. The rest will be thinking about sex. Don’t be too hard on them, it’s just the way it is. But it’s good to be aware of this and not be fooled.

To your other questions.

1. Many women say humor is the top quality they look for in a guy. Why? Because relationships should be fun. Also, humor often implies intelligence which is probably the other top quality women look for. Many say intelligence is sexy. But this is all subjective Mona. The bigger question is what do what do you find attractive? That’s the question you need to ask yourself. (And this will fluctuate and change as you change in your life. That’s normal.) Figure out what YOU want and focus on that. It’s okay to want a cute guy. Just be honest with yourself. The key Mona is to find a guy that’s right for you, someone who makes you happy and someone you have fun with. That guy is out there for you, but it’s a matter of being open to all guys, and giving guys a chance even if you’re not sure at first.

2. Guys are intimidated by women/girls who are out of their league. But that still doesn’t mean you have to approach them. If the guy doesn’t have the confidence to approach you, maybe he’s not mature enough to be in a relationship. So be patient. You’re young. Believe us, as guys mature and gain more self-confidence, it won’t just be the cocky guys approaching you.

Does this help? Have we touched upon all your questions? You should read some of the other posts at the bottom of this post. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. And leave us a comment here in the comments section.

Hang in there.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions to check out:

A confused girl; the prom

The prom

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Can a guy’s taste really change?

High school dating to college long distance

Are her kids my responsibility?

Hey Guys,

I need to know how to address this issue with my girlfriend. We have lived together for about months. She has three young children ages 9, 5, and 2 by three different fathers. I have two grown children that live on there own, one 16 year old daughter that lives with us, and a twelve year old son that lives with his mother, and comes to stay with us one to two weekends a month.

My problem is my girlfriend recently lost her job, but was given a decent severance package. She took a month off, which I encouraged her to do. She got another job which was lower paying and more physically demanding. Two weeks after she began they started making her work second shift (3-11). I work 8-5 so all of a sudden I am now responsible for picking her children up from daycare five days a week, feeding them and changing diapers after I’ve worked a 9 hour day in the heat. What really upsets me is that because she gets subsidized daycare, she gets up first thing in the morning, drops them off and is free until it’s time for her to go to work. On top of that, on the one day we’re off together she complains about how tired she is and expects me or my daughter to change her son’s diapers while she “rests.”

She has told me that she knows this situation is stressing me out, but doesn’t seem like she trying to find a solution. I’m really beginning to think that this is really ideal for her as she has been able to unload her responsibilities as a single parent onto me. I really feel that she made the decision to have these children and shouldn’t be trying to hang the responsibility of taking care of them around my neck. She has also told me about how she couldn’t stand or broke up with previous boyfriends because they either wouldn’t adopt her children or maintain father figure relationships with them after they broke up. Although I do love this women, I do believe she feels that every man she dates is supposed to be her kids new daddy.. HELP….

Mike

Dear Mike,

Thanks for your question.

While we understand that being a single parent is a very difficult job on many levels, your girlfriend is still ultimately responsible for her kids since she brought them into the world.

What’s interesting is that many single mothers are a bit apprehensive about involving new “friends” in their kids’ lives for fear of making things more confusing and complicated for them. This is why we’re surprised at your girlfriend’s willingness—her eagerness almost—to hand over day care responsibilities to you. This should give you a good indication of where here head’s at and what she’s looking for from a man.

But before we get to your question we just want to say, Mike, you seem like a good guy, and a rare man who’s willing to try and help the woman he loves with her children—children that aren’t his. Good for you. We mean that sincerely. We wish more guys would step up to the plate like you’re doing—with their own kids! We hope your girlfriend knows how lucky she is to have found a good man, considering that she brings a slightly more complex situation to the table than your average gal.

But we agree, this is going too far. She’s taking advantage of you and your daughter. She absolutely shouldn’t be expecting you to do anything for her kids. Sure, she might welcome your help, but we’d think she’d feel a bit guilty, and maybe even embarrassed by the fact that you and your daughter are taking care of her babies for her. The fact that she doesn’t is a red-flag honestly.

So what should you do?

First step: She needs to know that this arrangement is unacceptable. You need to have a sit down with her that and explain to her that you also have a job and your own kids to take care of. (She should already know this, but sometimes it needs to be said.) And also, that your daughter has her own life and shouldn’t be asked to pick up the slack. She might play the victim, or go on the attack, so before you get into anything make sure you reassure her that you care about her and want things to work out. (If you still do of course.)

One possible solution: Could she pay your daughter a small amount to do some daycare for her? (Just a thought.)

Second step: If you can’t work out something by giving her your point of view, then you need to do some serious thinking about this relationship. (We can see you already are.) Clearly you love her and want this to work out, but how will this play out in the future? Presumably she has some great qualities, otherwise you wouldn’t have fallen for her, but good qualities tend to fade when adverse conditions continue over long periods of time. And this relationship is headed this way. Hopefully she’ll come to her senses and see that this situation is putting a serious strain on the relationship, before this reaches the breaking point.

Remember Mike, relationships are a two way street. Both of you need to be giving AND receiving. The two of you need to work together so you both are fulfilled and happy. Yes, relationships also require work and compromise, but just be careful not to settle for a relationship where you’re doing most of the giving. (Good guys tend to fall into those situations more easily.)

Hope this helps a little. Feel free to ask us any follow up questions, or run another situation by us. Please keep us posted on how this progresses.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Am I too “nice?”

Hey Guys,

I was just curious about the term “nice.” Is it possible that girls can be too “nice” to actually be approached, or too “nice” to date and have a relationship with? Are “nice” girls only marriage material and not girlfriend material?

I am 21 years old and will be a college senior this coming year. I was hoping that college would be a time for me to be more social, find friends, maybe even have a boyfriend. However, my time is coming up as I have only one year left, and needless to say I have never had a boyfriend, or even a guy friend. I am not quite sure why. I am not unattractive, I dress comfortably, I have a wide range of interests, I enjoy a good conversation, and I’ve traveled the world; yet I can be shy sometimes… okay most of the time… around guys.

Nothing has ever really worked out between me and a guy, not even close. For example I live in a house next to guys, and we didn’t really hang out with them. But sometimes we did, and it would be for hours, and we had a lot of fun. However, I sorta got close with one of them, hooked up with him, and then never heard from him again. And he was my neighbor.. And that was not the first time that I have only been used for physical purposes with guys who I thought were friends, and then they never spoke to me again.

There are two guys that I work with who are very friendly, and very good looking. We work at a restaurant, and I sometimes speak with them in passing while at work (as I work in the front, and they in the back), and I always smile and ask how they are doing, how their weekend was, etc. and always help out when I can if they need help. (If anybody needs help, not just the two guys)

I also sometimes bake things to bring in. Over the summer, things quiet down, and there are not many college kids left in town, so people typically get together to hang out. Yet, I have never been invited to hang out with anyone. I am not anti-social, and I enjoy a good party as much as the next person, yet why don’t I have any friends this summer? Guy 1 lives right down the street from me (though he has a girlfriend), why can’t we even become friends? We had many things in common when I first met him. Guy 2.. well I kinda like him but won’t allow myself to like him anymore than that because I know it will just leave me lonely because nothing will come of it. He had mentioned once a possible big group get together dinner, but it never happened. I ran into him at a bar a few months ago, and he bought me a drink for my birthday, and I told him I owed him a drink, and he said no.. I just don’t really understand. They are both very friendly (in conversation, and jokes) with the other girls that work at the restaurant, perhaps more so than with me, and from what I understand they even hang out sometimes.

Is there something wrong with me? Do I need to bake more things to bring in? I am not desperate, I have not been around the block, and I am just a genuine person who is shy sometimes. People have told me that I am too nice. What does that even mean? Am I not even worth it to a guy? Am I not girlfriend material?

Thank you for your help!

Meg

Dear Meg,

Thanks for your question, or should we say questions.

The term “nice” can mean many different things depending on the context. When people say you are being too nice they’re really saying you’re making it too easy for people. (Baking, helping them out, etc.) Sometimes people can even be perceive this type of nice as being desperate. (We’re not saying you are.)

If a guy says you are just “so nice” what he’s really saying is he is not physically attracted to you enough to think of you any other way but nice. In actuality, it has nothing to do with being nice or not, it has to do with what they think you don’t have—the features they want—not what you do have—being nice.

So our response? Don’t change who you are. If you are nice, stay nice. The right kinds of guys will appreciate that, you just haven’t met them yet. (And yes, you are definitely girlfriend material.) But having said that, also, please don’t go overboard. Don’t bake extra cakes, or muffins just to be extra nice. In fact, you might want to dial it back a little when it comes to being nice to guys.

You see, guys like a bit of a challenge, a chase. If you come on strong and starting doing things for them, they see you as a pushover, and someone they can take advantage of, but not keep around for the long haul. (Sounds like this is already happening a bit.) We would suggest waiting to start offering to “help” people until you’re actually dating someone, or in a relationship, not before.

Bottom line: You sound like a sweet person. Don’t change. Don’t let your frustrations make you bitter. You’re meeting the wrong guys right now. Or, you’re looking for the wrong type of guy. Think about what you enjoy, and look to meet people doing those sorts of things, not guys who just happen to live close to you. Also, see if your friends know some nice guys, maybe even your family. (Yes, your parents even. You might be surprised.)

We hope this helps clarify some things. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. (Leave in the comments section below.)

Thanks,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Also, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Use PayPal button on right)

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

International Long Distance; is it possible?

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I’m dating several guys at once; Am I a player?

Hey Guys,

So I’ve always been really confident in my looks and intelligence. I know what I want and don’t want, especially in relationships. I usually talk to multiple guys at once, then narrow it down to 2-3 guys that I’m serious about dating. My friends tell me that I’m being a player…I’m definitely not sleeping with any of them. Sometimes, I go no further than a simple peck on the cheek.

Most of the guys I date know that I’m dating other guys. I’m honest and open with them. If they don’t like it, they have the option of moving on. I feel like we are all adults and make our own decisions. I am open and honest about my actions.

Now here are the real questions:

1. Do you feel like I’m a player?

2. I have always wondered, does it mean that I’m leading these guys on by not picking one right off the bat? I usually talk to them for like a month..date the 2-3 guys for like another month or two then decide.

3. I’m dating 3 guys right now, there’s one guy that I’m particularly interested in, but I found out that he’s a semi-virgin…while that kind of excites me…I think he’s a bit too sensitive for me. And honestly, he wants me to be exclusive already…I still want to date around for a little while more. I like the attention. How should I tell him that he’s probably the one I’ll choose, but he needs to wait for a little while more?

4. I never find the best way of breaking it off with guys. I usually ignore them. Does that hurt them more than just telling them I don’t like them? Would you recommend any other method of telling them it’s over that’s less painful?

Thanks.

Lily

Dear Lily,

Thanks for your question.

We don’t see an issue here. You have every right to date around while you figure out what you really want. This is the time to explore, NOT when you’re already in a committed relationship or when you’re married. So all the power to you.

However, there’s a caveat here. This only holds true if you are honest about your intentions. No one likes to be led on. No one likes to be used. And no one likes to be toyed with. If you are doing any of these things, then our initial statement is nullified. (We just wanted to remind you of that fact.)

Don’t worry about what your friends say. Everyone goes about figuring out life and relationships in their own way. Some people only get involved in serious relationships. Then they break up and move on to the next one. Sure, that’s one way of figuring out what works. But your way is just as valid.

So let’s get to your specific questions:

1. No, we don’t see you as a player. Although you do seem a bit like a serial dater. Are you ultimately looking for the one? What are you looking for exactly? (This could be what your friends are reacting to.) You can also get some feedback from the guys you are dating and breaking up with. What do they say when you tell them you’re no longer interested? Do they feel led on? (This is important feedback to process.)

2. Just be honest. If you’re doing that they can make their own choices on whether they want to give it a go with you.

3. We feel a bit uneasy about this one. If we were in this guy’s shoes, we wouldn’t want to wait around while you dated—and who knows what—with other guys. We wouldn’t blame him if he bolted. We understand you like the attention of many guys, but also understand that many guys will not be interested in being part of your dating stable. And they won’t want to play the game for that long.

4. Always best to be straightforward. Never, use the ignore tactic. Guys hate that. Actually, everyone hates that, and honestly it’s a bit cowardly. (Sorry if that was harsh, but it’s true.) Just be direct and do it fast if you’re going to do it. There’s nothing worse than a slow death.

Lily, you seem like you care about people, and care about what they think. And we understand you’re trying to figure this all out. However, what you really need to think about is: “What do I really want?” Because right now you seem a bit unsure what that is. And maybe this is also what your friends are reacting to. Are you looking for attention? Are you leading guys on to get that attention? Do you really want a serious relationship or do you want to just date and be free? Spend some time figuring that out, and then dating won’t seem as complicated.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question. Leave us a comment in the comments section.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Boyfriend’s going away to college; can it work?

Hey Guys,

I have known my boyfriend for a couple years now but I did not really get to know him until a couple months ago. We’ve been dating for a little over a month now and I really like him. We spend everyday together and are both really happy together. A month is not a long time but I’ve never had so many feelings for someone in such a short time. This summer, we plan to make the most of it. He is leaving to college which is a couple hours away while I’m back home finishing high school. When I brought up the situation of dating long distance he would usually say “I don’t like thinking about it, let’s just enjoy this summer..” But finally we talked about it and he said he wanted to do long distance.

Would it be worth it? I like him so much, and I would just hate to lose him. I know because of his financial situation I would only see him every couple of months.. Which, I know, would be hard for both of us. Both our families are involved in the relationship. How could I make it work? Should I even give it a shot? I don’t want to waste my time and be vulnerable.

Alana

Dear Alana,

Thanks for your question.

It can work if you’re both very committed to making it work. Since you’ve written to us we know you’ll be able to keep up your end of the relationship, but it will be harder for him. Not because he’s a guy, but because he’s entering a new chapter in his life and with that comes new ideas, new people, new situations, new places, new everything. To be in a relationship with you will definitely impact his experience, and a lot of people like to be completely free of all ties when they enter college, or any new experience for that matter.

However, he’s not saying that, and frankly, finding someone special doesn’t happen every day. Obviously he realizes this or he wouldn’t have said he wants to try doing a long distance relationship. This can work, but it won’t be easy for either of you. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth giving it a try. If you don’t give it a shot, you’re going to regret it even if you end up getting hurt, which is hard to predict.

The key is solid and regular communication. Now once again, this will be easier for you because your schedule will be set, and you’ll be doing what you’ve been doing for the last three years: going to high school. But his schedule will be all over the place. Right now he has no idea what to expect, so we imagine it will be harder for him at first. The two of you just need to keep working our your plan.

Questions to talk about:

How often will we talk? What time of day? Via phone? Skype? Text? Email?

Then of course you need to make sure you see each other as much as possible, which like you said won’t be very often. But let’s be clear, it’s worth the money, because the two of you will need regular reminders of why you’re putting in the work. You need to be with each other from time to time to connect on a physical level. (We don’t necessarily mean sex.) Just being with the other person is important.

Once again the key to making this work is communication. Everything should be discussed, and then revised, and then discussed again. You can make this work if both of you are on the same page, and choose to be in the relationship every day. But there are no guarantees; but then again there are no guarantees with any relationship. To be in a loving relationship is to be vulnerable.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. And consider a donation to THE GUYS. Use PayPal button on right of any page. Thanks!

Other questions about long distance relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated

Am I twisted?

Dear Guys,

The guy I’m seeing, sleeping with, basically we’ve been doing whatever lately for the past month. He’s pretty possesive. He asked me to write his name on my….well you know. Like I’m his property. It’s different then anything I’ve ever been into, but it kind of excites me. I don’t know if I’m twisted, or if this is going to lead anywhere. But we both said we liked eachother and I don’t know if I should run away as fast as I can or try to see if we can have a relationship.

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

So what do you want? Should we assume you want a relationship with this man since you wrote to us to inquire what you should do?

As far as being twisted, well, what you do in your bedroom is your own business. Certainly you should only partake in activities you’re comfortable with, and if you feel this guy is being strangely possessive, well then you need to set clear boundaries with him. But otherwise, if you’re happy and fulfilled, then all the power to you.

But you need to start talking about how you feel with this guy. If you want a relationship, then you need to let him know that. Yes, there are no guarantees that he will be receptive, but if he’s not you’ll certainly have a better sense of how he views you. Because if you don’t say anything soon, you’re going to settle into a routine and end up becoming his booty call. You might say that’s okay, but trust us, at some point the excitement will wear off, replaced by anger and resentment.

Last Point: If you’re not going to communicate your feelings to him, you might want to think about running the other way.

THE GUYS

ps. Feel free to ask us a follow up question. Leave it here in the comments section.

____________________________________________

Read Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.”

Start from the beginning:

Introduction

Chapter 1: Darryl

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 2

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 3

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 4

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 5

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 6 (On Relationship Memoirs Page)

Chapter 2: My Two Experiments (On Relationship Memoirs Page)

My boyfriend is on a swingers site

Hi Guys,
I’ve read a few things before about women “accidentally” finding out about their man on dating sites, but mine really was (or so I think!) accidental.

I’ve known my man for about fifteen months. We saw each other a few times from the middle of last year but nothing much. This year however we’ve really hit it off and things are going from good to great. Or so I thought… We both have trust issues. We are both over 40.

We have become friends first and now we are lovers and we are so comfortable with each other it just seems so very right. Then last weekend I was at his place and we were chatting and he called me over to the computer to show me a picture he was downloading. Now given the version of windows he has, the last few downloads he had done were in a little list and I noticed that two of them were from a swinging site. I didn’t say anything at the time because I thought well hey, we’ve only really been seeing each other properly for six months and it’s probably just a self-esteem thing or a porn thing. Anyway I did log on to the site and found him within a nanosecond. He uses his own name, his own age and a picture. When I left him he logged on within 2 hours. When he got back from a trip — a trip he had been messaging me non-stop, he logged on within the hour. I left him earlier, he logged on.

His profile isn’t verified so he hasn’t met anyone or anything, but he says he’s into all sorts of things and is kinky and looking for girls. I don’t know what to think. If I try to initiate any dirty talk with him he hates it. Our sex life has really just taken off and is fantastic, so why? He told me the other day he feels old and unsexy and I did the best I could to reassure him. Today he told me he was damaged goods. I had no problem in trusting him before but maybe not now.

He treats me in every way as though he loves me and he says he adores me but if that is the case… why?

Thanks guys for any help you can give.

Keira

Dear Keira,

Thanks for your question.

There are four possible reasons to explain why he’s on swinging sites.

1. He’s into that sort of thing and is embarrassed to tell you for fear that you might break up with him. (Remember, “swingers” often are happily married people who want more sexual partners, for themselves, or to share with their spouse. This only works if the spouse and/or partner is a willing participant. And since most people aren’t willing to share their partner, he probably assumes you’re one of those people, so he’s keeping it a secret.)

2. He’s still searching for what else is out there. (In this case, he may be happy with your relationship but he’s not completely content.)

3. He’s telling the truth. (He feels like he’s getting old, and this is his way of getting some positive strokes. But he doesn’t plan on doing anything about it.)

4. He’s worried that you might leave him since he’s damaged goods. (This is his backup plan, albeit not a very sounds one.)

So what do you think? It’s hard to say based on what little we know, and the fact that we don’t know him personally. Or you.

So you have two options. Hint around it and see if he’ll spill the beans. Or tell him how you discovered his secret and get this all out in the open. There are no guarantees he’ll be receptive to the conversation, but we’d opt for the latter. Likely, he’ll be a bit embarrassed at first until you reassure him. (If that’s what you even want to do.)

But in the end, ask yourself if you can trust this guy. You don’t want to be in a situation where you’re constantly wondering if your partner is behaving or not. Relationships need to have a solid foundation of trust in order for them to thrive and grow.

Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Leave us a comment in the comments section below.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. Use the PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site.

Soon to be husband cheated; what do I do?

Another question about dating a guy from a different country:

International long distance relationship; is it possible?

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Dear Guys,

I feel hopeless and ashamed to talk to my girlfriends so I need The Guys help…..

I have dated my current boyfriend for five years and eight months to be exact. I found out he cheated on me with over five prostitutes three years ago. He swore he wouldn’t do it again and since I was stupid and love him, I trusted him again. We’ve been doing a long distance relationship (because of work) since Aug 2009 (6 months after I found out he cheated) and we meet once a year for about three weeks usually.

I used to think we had a good long-distance relationship going even after he cheated because we talked on the phone a couple times a day. (Basically I know his routines and friends even though it’s long distance.)

I flew over and met him again last week, just to find out that he constantly has been visiting dating sites and still checking online postings for random sex. He said it was because he was lonely but he did not do anything. He says he was just curious to check out their pictures. He also has an interest in having intimacy with same sex. Sounds terrible heh…. but I can’t let go because I’ve been so emotionally attached to him. We plan to get married in August of next year and I plan on moving back to his country next January. I don’t know what to do… I feel hopeless. And maybe only you guys and God can help.

He said he would do anything to rebuild the trust (e.g. he would go to church with me, go to counseling, give me his bank account etc) But I feel that it’s really hard to trust him again. What should I do? If your advice is for me to leave him, please teach me how to let go……

Million thanks,
Kay

Dear Kay,

We’re really sorry you’re going through a difficult time. But please don’t feel ashamed. You’re not the first or the last to go through this kind of thing. Many people deal with trust issues in their relationships.

Long distance relationships are difficult and can put a strain on even the strongest of bonds. The fact that you only see each other three weeks out of the year, means there are more weeks than not, that the two of you are alone. We understand that he might have some physical needs, but if he truly was committed to you, he would figure out how to fulfill those needs without seeking out the company of other women, especially prostitutes. (That could be a health risk to you as well.)

Let’s take it a step further. What happens when the two of you get married, and let’s say you have a baby together? All of a sudden you’re busy, tired, and he’s not getting what he needs as often. Is he going to start hooking up with other women then? It’s a red-flag that when the going is tough he resorts to this kind of behavior. Because as you know, relationships have a lot of “ups” but they also have a lot of “downs.”

It’s clear that you love this man, but do you think you could trust him if the two of you got married? Because you’re going to be even more miserable if you get married and then realize you still can’t trust him. You don’t want to live your life constantly worried that your spouse is cheating on you, or that he might cheat on you.

So we advise you to think long and hard before you decide to get married to this man. We can’t and won’t tell you what you should do—only you can figure that out. But there are some important issues to figure out here. Think about what you want, and what you can handle, and then go from there.

So what do you think? Leave us a comment, and feel free to ask us a follow up question.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (Use PayPal button on any page of our site) Thanks!

International long distance relationship; Too many complications

Read for more info on this topic: International long distance; is it possible

Hello Guys,

I met this guy about four months ago on social networking site. At that time, I was just getting out of a year-long relationship and was not looking for anything serious. He was trying to figure out what to do with his ex-wife who can’t seem to make up her mind about him. Divorce is kind of new in their country. We both have sons from previous marriages. In our conversations, we also spoke about his mom (who was dying at that time). He asked me to visit his country after a month of talking. I agreed.

I was unprepared for who he really was when I met him. He turned out to be a very successful businessman who gave me such an awesome fairy-tale holiday. We were very couple-ish during my stay and he was doing everything above and beyond to please me. We both have this amazing connection to each other. But I was trying so hard to keep it casual because I had no idea where this was going.

I went back to my country and was convinced it was just a fling. (And a great one at that.) But then he continued to call me, message me, tell me he misses me. I was floored because there really isn’t anything else to do. We already had sex so I don’t know what else is there for us. But he said he’s happy with going with the flow. That’s all there is, as this is long distance. Neither would consider relocating to each other’s country.

But we continued to talk and solidify our bond. Until one day two months back, his ex-wife shows up along with their kid saying she wants him back. Again. She’s been doing that for the last six years since they divorced. Anyway, he calls me to explain everything. I was cool about it. In fact, I was wondering why he needed to call. We were just friends. He couldn’t kick her out as that would have customary and social implications in their country. I took the high road and walked away but never lost touch really. Mostly because he reaches out first.

Now we’re seeing each other for another holiday in Bangkok which he says is a gift and then he’s coming to visit my country. And I’m already at my wits end figuring out what he wants from me. Because with everything he’s done, he’s never said how he feels for me. As in zero. Nothing. I on the other hand have feelings for him.

Help!

Tash

Dear Tash,

Thanks for your question.

Considering the situation, and the fact that neither of you is willing to move, we’re not sure what you’re going to get out of this other than frustration. Throw in the fact that he operates under the control of his ex-wife—who may or may not become his wife again—we only see you falling neatly into the role of the “other woman.” Because if he’s back together with his ex-wife, then you are the person he’s having an affair with, which means he’s now cheating on her.

He’s definitely attracted to you and enjoys your company on many levels, otherwise he wouldn’t be trying to see you again. However, if you decide you want to be with him understand that this is not going to give you the fairy tale ending. He’s going to get his cake and eat it too, and you’re going to be an occasional fling he enjoys a few times a year. We only see you becoming more confused and more frustrated no matter how great the connection is, and no matter how wonderful your time is with him.

We’re not judging here we’re just stating the facts from an objective perspective. You need to decide if you’re okay with the parameters of the relationship and then make your decision whether to see him again.

Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us a follow up question. We’ll respond in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! You might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.”

Meeting new people; why don’t guys ask me out?

Dear Guys,

When I know for a fact particular guys are interested in me, why are they so afraid to “break the ice” and talk to me? Is it the places I go? Gym, college, shopping mall, park. Are guys uncomfortable starting a conversation with a random person? Are they intimidated, have a significant other, or what could it be? As I mentioned they do seem interested. And I will also mention that I have approached a guy initially and it turned out he had a serious girlfriend. (He did tell me he found me attractive, but I still felt turned down and let down. I guess.)

So basically what should someone with my dilemma do?

Sabrina

Dear Sabrina,

Thanks for your question.

Well, meeting someone in a random place is always a crapshoot. A guy would have to have a whole lot of confidence to just randomly approach you at the mall, or even at the gym. And confidence aside, many guys just don’t operate this way. It’s too unpredictable. They have no idea who you are. (Although, meeting someone at college is a better possibility because you have common interests and goals.)

The other thought that comes to mind is, are you reading the cues correctly? Just because a guy smiles at you doesn’t mean he’s ready to ask you out. It could very well mean he finds you attractive, but it tells you nothing about his status—single or not. With this in mind you shouldn’t feel rejected from your encounter with the one guy. He was probably being honest with you. He found you attractive but he’s attached.

The thing is Sabrina, approaching guys at random places has a hint of desperation to it. (We’re not saying you are, but you might be perceived this way.) So we recommend you let the guys approach you. Then you’ll know for sure what their intentions are.

We also think you should try to meet guys more organically. (A guy in one of your classes. Maybe someone at the gym. Or at a college party. Maybe a friend of a friend.) Try to let things happen naturally. Don’t stress out about it. The more you focus on the things you love, the more likely you’ll meet people with similar interests, and then hopefully a spark will happen.

Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And keep in touch and let us know how things are going. You also might be interested in our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.”

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. Use PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site.

Also check out: Why is he not asking me out? (There are a lot of comments/questions as well.)

Friends with Benefits; Is there a chance he could fall for me?

Hi Guys,

What do you think are the chances of a FWB falling for you? I’ve had a FWB relationship for five years. We talk all the time, argue most of the time, have incredible orgasmic sex, have stood by each other through good and bad times. But we just can’t talk about our feelings. So crazy and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’m not the the kind to pour my heart out to get turned down. After five years if he wanted something more he would have asked hey?

He has said things like we should get married and live in a caravan and have 100 children. Weird and no thanks. But why joke like that? And he has said we argue like a married couple. He has said he loves me and then moments later I’m back to being his best friend ever.

I don’t get it. I can understand that he is not in a position to provide for my child (7) and me. But I’m not asking for that.

I’m 29 and he is 33 by the way. And I have had a relationship during this time and he has slept with other girls. We just always go back to each other.

So any ideas which direction I should take? I don’t want to waste time. But don’t want to lose one of the best things that has crossed my path.

Cassidy

Dear Cassidy,

Thanks for your question. Please watch our video on this topic. “Friends with Benefits” This will answer most of your general questions about a “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) arrangement.

As far as your specific question, it does seem like if he wanted to take this relationship to the next level he would already have tried, or at least the two of you would be discussing it. But having a five year FWB arrangement has given him no reason to do much else. He’s getting regular good sex with someone he cares about a lot; he has no other responsibilities, no other demands on his time; he’s pretty much free to do whatever he wants and he knows you’ll still be there. We don’t see the incentive for him to do much else, at least from his perspective. Do you? (Note: We do think that having a committed relationship is enough incentive for many guys.)

Your daughter may be complicating matters a bit, but it’s not like he’s unaware of her. We know you said you’re not the kind of girl who pours their heart out to a guy, but we do think you need to talk to him about how you feel. You say you don’t want to lose one of the best things that has crossed your path, but what do you really have now? You don’t really have a relationship, you don’t really have this guy? You have semi-regular fun together and that’s it. If you truly want more with this man, then talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel, and what you want, and ask him where his head’s at. If he says he’s unsure, or just doesn’t know, then it’s time to move on, because he’s had plenty of time to figure out what he wants. Believe us, he knows even if he doesn’t say it.

This may or may not turn out the way you hope, but at least you’ll have some answers and know you did everything in your power to make things work. And you’ll have no regrets, which is so important.

Good luck. We hope this works out for you. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question, or another question. Leave us a comment in the comments section below.

Also, you might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebeccas, a memoir.” Start from the beginning with the introduction and read Ch. 1 and Ch. 2. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

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Read other posts about Friends with Benefits. FWB

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more?

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

High school dating to college long distance

Is he a player? I want to be just friends

Dear Guys,

I was dating this guy for a little over a month and he was emotionally unavailable until I ended things. We enjoyed each other’s company, had great sex, but I couldn’t deal with his emotional baggage and he wasn’t about to start a relationship with me anyways.

About a month and a half later he gets a girlfriend and I don’t see him for a long time, you know, letting things cool off a bit as I was still very attracted to him.

Well the other day he texted me inviting me to a music festival for free. I declined. He asked if I was going to some event the next day, and I said no. Then later, he texts me to hang out and have drinks, to which I said sure.

So we hung out and had a really awesome time. It’s like we have been friends forever and I really enjoy his company and I don’t feel as attracted to him as I did in the past. The problem was he never mentioned his girlfriend. (I think he kept calling her a friend.) He bought me some drinks, and would at times touch me in flirty ways like he used to.

So I guess my question is, is he trying to make me an option? Cause I won’t yield. I really do only want a platonic relationship.

Marni

Dear Marni,

Thanks for your question.

He’s absolutely trying to make you an option. Because why in the world would he contact you out of the blue—even while he has a girlfriend—and then take you out to drinks? He’s definitely trying to worm his way back into your emotional and physical space.

And the fact that he’s not admitting he has a girlfriend—only calling her a friend—is a red flag. Things are probably not going well for them, so he’s checking out his prospects, you. As far as we’re concerned, he’s cheating on her. Maybe he hasn’t been physical with you or anyone else, but if he’s not happy in his current relationship he should break it off before he goes exploring other possibilities.

We’d be careful here. If you think you can be friends with him great, but he doesn’t seem like someone you could trust to be in a relationship with. We’d keep it platonic. One cautionary note: We can tell you that the more you hang out with him the more he’s going to try and have sex with you, and each time it will be harder for you to say no.

What are your thoughts on this? Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And feel free to ask us a follow up question. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy some of the great female guest writers, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.”

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Watch our video on: Getting Played

I’m new to hooking up and I don’t know what to do

Dear Guys,

Okay, I’m that girl who really doesn’t date guys. I mean I usally don’t even flirt with guys I like, I’ve always been like this and I don’t know why! So here’s my problem. There’s this guy who I really like, but he’s moving soon. I don’t want anything serious, just kinda like a fling. I’ve moved things really fast because I’m ready to be “spontaneous.” Here’s the part I’m confused about. How do I tell him that I’m not looking for something serious? I’m not really experienced at these hook-up things—this would be my first time—and I’m not for sure what to do. Like, I just really want to get with this guy, but I’m stuck on how to ask if he wants the same thing. This guy is pretty used to dating tons of girls and I don’t want to seem completely ignorant when it comes to hook-ups.

Ciery

Dear Ciery,

Thanks for your question.

While we aren’t going to encourage you to hook up with this guy—mainly because hook ups in general aren’t the best way to go, and if he’s hooking up with lots of other girls it could pose a health risk to you— we will answer your question. First of all, since he’s moving soon, that automatically places whatever the two of you do into the “casual” category. What else could it be unless you were both ready to try a long distance relationship? You don’t mention your age, but we’re sensing you are younger, so being able to sustain that sort of long distant relationship is unlikely.

So per your question: How do you let him know you want to be with him? It won’t take much. A little flirting, a few subtle hints. If he’s interested, or attracted to you at all, that’s all it should take. Guys are pretty simple. And if a woman they are attracted to shows some sort of interest in dating or sex, it’s pretty much a done deal. Once again, we don’t want to encourage you to do something you’ll regret later, but it’s up to you.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

ps. You might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” (Introduction) Read the entire first chapter. Enjoy!

Other questions to check out:

Am I hot or not?

Dating older guys: Video

Dating two guys at once; I’m confused

Readers: Check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s, “Rebecca, a memoir.”

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I had never been confident with guys until about a couple of months ago when I got with three guys in one night. I then started to constantly get with guys in clubs.

I then met one guy who I got with and went a little further almost going “all the way” and then he started to text me a lot, and seemed really keen to meet up with me again. It got dragged out for personal reasons, but I finally met up with him and went on a “date.” It was a little awkward but we made conversation, kissed a bit, and there was a bit of holding hands and leg touching.

Once I was home he text to say thanks for a nice night and can’t wait to see you again. And I replied a similar message, then he didn’t text back at all. (Before he used to keep texting. Also I’d normally get a good morning text quite early and that hasn’t happened yet.)

Is this the start of him ignoring me?

After I was home, one of my friends (a guy) started to text me trying to get me to come out and see him. (He really likes me, and I used to like him a bit. Deep down I still have some feelings for him, he’s asked me to come over for sex, and I kinda want to but know I shouldn’t because I’ll end up hurting someone.

How do I politely postpone the invitation without giving the impression I don’t want to see him?

What should I do about the guy from the date? (I dont know how I feel about him, but he seems really nice and wanting to see me again?

Is it bad to want both? Or to want sex from one and to “date” the other?

I feel like a bit of a s*** but I’m so confused on what to do?

Help!

Dear J,

Thanks for your question.

There’s nothing wrong with being interested in two guys at once. You don’t say how old you are, but typically young people—even people in their 20s—take their time settling down. So it’s okay to date more the one person, get a taste of different personalities, and see what suits you the best. Of course, once you finally decide you like someone we recommend dating them exclusively. (As long as they feel the same way.)

However, we don’t recommend sleeping with a bunch of guys at the same time, or even more than one. Besides the obvious health risks, it’s not great for your own emotional well-being and self-respect. (Probably not great for the guys either unless they don’t care about anything but having sex with you. And in that case, that’s not going to make you feel great in the long run.)

J, you seem all over the place. Why don’t you just go with the flow? Date around. Enjoy yourself. Have fun. You’ll know when the time is right to date exclusively. You’ll feel it inside you because once you find that special someone you won’t even want to date anyone else. And when that happens you’ll know you’re ready to have an open, honest, and trusting relationship. Until then, have a good time. But be careful and safe out there.

Finally, please don’t mix alcohol into the mix. That’s going to blur your judgement even more.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

A confusing long distance romance

Dear Guys,

I have a situation that is completely interesting and confusing as all…

I have built a friendship with a person that I met through a friend. Well, I never physically met him until recently. I have known him for almost two years and he was my go-to “funny guy.” I would call him and bounce everything off of him. Funny dates, tragic dates, relationships, job searching, everything!

He was refreshing to me and I was amazed that I confided so much in someone that I had never been in the same room with.

Well, I got engaged and then called it off last summer. He waited a month or so and then laid everything on the line and told me that he was crazy about me. He went on and on for about 45 minutes. I was in shock and not ready to receive what he was telling me. After all, I had NEVER physically met him! I wasn’t sure if I was sexually attracted to him.

Then, I started dating someone locally and enjoyed a si month relationship with that person. In the meantime, my “long distance friend” kinda fell off the radar. He called me mid-relationship with this other guy to apologize for falling off of the radar and promised to never allow that to happen again. He said that he missed our laughing and jokes and conversations and really needed that back in his life.

I am going to be honest, I was fairly aloof to his absence (due to the other guy). So, I assured him that I was not upset at all. We started contacting each other…but not nearly as much as before.

Well, my relationship ended with the other guy and I reached out to my “long distance friend” for consoling. He was solid. However, this time he was clear that he was drawing the line and needed me to know that he wanted to meet me. He did everything possible to convince me to give “us” a shot. Two months later he texts me a question, “What are you doing for dinner?” He had bought a flight and was coming to see me. He was laying it all out there.

He told me that he had butterflies…that he HAD to see me…that he could not wait any longer. So, I was a nervous wreck when I picked him up from the airport. Needless to say, we hit it off amazingly. I have been to his city twice to see him and I find myself feeling more for him than I ever thought I could.

He has said that he loves me…but only after a couple of drinks. I have never said it. However, I do find myself arranging time to see each other more than he does. One caveat…he has been laid off and feels that he cannot give anything to me until he finds a new job.

How do I walk this path? Does this man love me? How do I not over-think this? Please help me to navigate these foreign waters?

Is he still into me and why do I care?? This is all too surreal…

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

Thanks for your question.

Sure, these may be foreign waters but the feelings and emotions are familiar. These days, people meet in all sorts of different ways. So the “how” is not so important as the “who.” Meaning, is he truly the guy you think he is. And from what you’re saying, it sounds like it.

So why not just go with it? Stop over-thinking this. Worst case, it doesn’t work out, and you move forward with your life. Best case—well…. that’s probably pretty good. Sure, it’s difficult when it’s long distance and you have to rely on words—sometimes typed—instead of expressions and physical touch. But, if he’s making an effort to see you, and says he loves you—drink or no drink—then it’s a pretty good indication he’s trying to give this a go.

The only red flag for us, and really it’s not that big of a red flag is the reaction to his job situation. Yes, guys want to be providers. And their egos are often tied into their careers. But the fact that he’s pulling back just because he’s out of work puzzles us. If you were talking marriage or kids we can see how he might be hesitant until he’s back on his feet, but when you’re at the beginning stages of getting to know someone being out of work is not a great reason to put on the brakes. So that’s certainly something to consider. (We think you should talk to him about it. And let him know that it’s okay. Let him know you support him. Not financially, but emotionally until he finds work.)

But all in all, this sounds fun and exciting. Let yourself enjoy it, and hopefully it will keep moving forward. And if it doesn’t, well, you’ll still have a great story to tell.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And keep us posted as this progresses. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy reading some of the women guest writers.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about long distance relationships:

International Long Distance; is it possible?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated

International Long Distance: Is it possible?

Hi Guys,

This past year I’ve met the most amazing guy. I was 18 (now 19) and he is 25. We met at work where he was an exchange student from Brasil, along with about 26 other students. We started talking and we exchanged numbers just after two days. Before the week was up we had gone for a date and had a great time with other friends until 4 in the morning. We decided to start dating but with the understanding we would not be in a long distance relationship once he left to go home.

We spent a perfect month together. Whenever I wasn’t busy with my extra load of classes (8) and both my full time and the part time job, I would go see him very late in the night or very early in the morning. We slept together a few times but only into the second half of the time. I was acceptedby the other internationals and we were a big family. Then one by one they left. He left and I went with him the whole way to the airport. We said good bye knowing it could be years until we saw eachother again if that.

With the exception of the day he was traveling we have texted eachother every day for the past two months. There’s isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think of him. He fully supported me in my career choices only worrying about the amount of sleep and food I was getting. And he left early because he had a federal job waiting for him at home. I don’t want to affect his career because I want him to succeed and we have talked about me coming to visit, but because of his work he would only have a few days to spend with me. He said that in two winters he will have a whole month off and seemed excited about a visit. We have skyped three times since he left. The first time was within a week of getting home and I talked to his dad who said that I would always have a home there,which astounded me. I told him I would be honored. The second time was for an hour just because we both had time and the third time was the day after my birthday in which I met his mother and sister in addition to his father. They seemed friendly towards me but because of the language barrier not much was said. We all had a good time though and it was very exciting.

Now it seems like he is less about the cute relationship stuff and now we just talk about general stuff and how we are doing. After flirting just a bit with him the other night I asked if it was okay or if I was crossing a line. He said I just don’t want you getting confused that we are just friends. I was told that in Brazilian culture it is normal for children to stay home till early 30s then start on there own. Is he just distancing himself from me for protection or does he really mean he just wants to be friends? Because I feel like I’m getting mixed signals and I am being very patient as much as I can. And would a trip sooner (with in a year) be a good or bad idea?

Thanks in advance.

Maddie

Dear Maddie,

Thanks for your question.

Meeting someone the way you met this guy has an element of fantasy to it. It’s like meeting a mysterious guy while vacationing in the tropics. The two of you spend a romantic few weeks together, away from the daily grind, and it seems like absolute bliss. It is absolute bliss. But when you both return to your respective lives all of a sudden reality sets in. Now it’s back to jobs, grocery shopping, old friends, familiar routines, and those wonderful memories recede to that place in your brain where the exciting moments in your life reside.

We’re not saying what you experienced wasn’t real. It certainly was for both of you. But now what’s happened is that you are trying to keep the moment alive and he’s resisting. He may be very fond of you—obviously he is or his parents wouldn’t be so kind to you—but he’s probably weighing all the possibilities in his mind and he’s not sure how this is going to play out.

Likely Pros in his mind:

1. He thinks you’re interesting and great.

2. He’s attracted to you.

3. He has a connection to you.

Likely cons in his mind:

1. You live in different countries.

2. You’re from different cultures.

3. He wants to get his career off the ground.

4. You’re younger and he’s not sure how he feels about that.

5. Will his family accept you completely?

6. Where will you live?

7. What will you do in the meantime? How often will you see each other?

8. What about all the beautiful Brazilian women? Should he be dating them?

9. The list goes on.

Now, just because the “con” list is longer doesn’t mean the “pro” list can’t win out. There’s a lot to be said for a strong connection between two people. But he needs to see that for himself. And you can’t convince him of that. But what you can do is try to arrange a time to see him. Sooner rather than later. We’re not telling you what to do, but he does need reminding of the great connection the two of you have. Skype and texting aren’t going to do it. And in these situations someone has to take the initiative. If he’s not going to do it, then you might have to. You just need to ask yourself what you’re willing to do to make this happen? The thing is, there’s nothing worse than regret. And it seems that if you don’t see this through to the end you might have regrets. That’s not a good thing.

But this is something you should discuss with your family if you can or close friends. Some questions to talk over: Should you visit him? Or should he visit you? Where will you stay? Will it be safe to go there? Why are you going? And what does he really think?

You see, if you go there even after him telling you that you’re just friends, you have to understand that you might be disappointed. But still, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You’ve got a lot to think about. Good luck.

Let us know if we can help in any other way. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. And check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. Read some great guest women writers. Thanks!

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated

Hooking up without being attached; would a guy do that if he wasn’t into me?

Dear Guys,

This guy and I have been hooking up for about three months almost every week, or every couple of weeks. He and I are involved in the same group of friends. So we’ve chatted quite a bit, and hung out a bit, and he would do really nice things for me or for other people while I was around, and (as stupid as this sounds) leave really cute posts on my wall on Facebook.

Then one night, four months ago, we both were drunk and ended up making out. It happened again the week after that. So we decided we wanted to talk about it.. or um.. I guess I decided I wanted to talk about it, because I generally do not just hook up with men while I’m drunk. We’re also both about to study abroad for a year. We both decided it wasn’t a good idea to keep doing this, because it’s a bad idea to be attached to someone who isn’t going to be around. And I still agree with that.

But it keeps happening. And now we don’t really talk at all outside of hooking up. I want to just hang out with him sober again, but he seems to not care very much.

I also know that he’s been hurt pretty badly in the past by a girl, and he ended up lashing out at her, and hasn’t been quite the same (especially in regards to girls) since. And this information isn’t coming second-hand; I was there when it happened. (As I said, we’re in the same group of friends).

We still haven’t had sex. I’m a virgin, and I’m not going to become… *ahem* a not-virgin when I’m drunk. And I’m not going to do it with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to see me outside of his bedroom or mine. I have performed oral on him though, a few times..

Can he really be doing these kinds of things with me, this frequently, and not have feelings for me? Is that possible? Would guys do that? Especially with a girl who isn’t actually having sex with them? Or is oral kind of the same thing…

Dear D,

Thanks for your question.

First, let’s clarify what sex is. This whole gray area of oral sex started around the time of the Monica Lewinsky affair. Do you remember? You might be too young. But click on the link, or do some research. Fascinating stuff. Anyway, some people define sex as only intercourse, but for most people, anytime the genitalia is involved it’s pretty much sex. So yes, oral—fellatio or cunnilingus—is pretty much sex. Certainly it’s intimate enough to be stimulating another person with your mouth wouldn’t you say? But if you want to be technical, yes you’re certainly still a virgin, but for practical purposes, or if a guy in the future asks you if you’ve had sex before, it could be something you’d want to disclose. Or for that matter, something you didn’t want to disclose.

Could a guy receive oral sex every week without being emotionally attached or invested in a woman? Absolutely. In fact, for some guys it’s the perfect situation. (We’re not saying all, but certainly any type of Booty Call or Friends with Benefits situation is something guys search for, or certainly wouldn’t turn down if it was offered, especially if they weren’t in a serious relationship with a woman.)

We don’t think this is the best situation for you. He’s getting some of his needs met but you’re not. And typically these types of arrangements don’t transition into serious relationships. Eventually they just fizzle after the woman gets fed up. You might want to check out our video on “Friends with Benefits” for some more insights.

Don’t feel badly. This happens more than you might think. But the best thing to do is move on and try to find a guy that is not only willing, but excited, to see you outside the bedroom. (Read our “Relationship Memoirs” page to see how this turns out for Rebecca.)

Feel free to ask us a follow up question and keep us posted on how this progresses. Good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

I’m hoping for a second date. Should I contact him again?

Readers: Check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page and read the latest contribution from Charlotte Pescale “Rebecca, a memoir.”

_______________________________

Hi Guys,

I have a first-date question… This is kind of similar to another question you just answered actually… but I still want your opinion lol. I met a guy really randomly a few weeks back— I was lost and asked him for directions, and we got to chatting briefly and we suggested going for coffee or drinks sometime and exchanged numbers. After that we texted pretty frequently. We did finally meet up last week —I think we were both a little drained. He was preparing for a conference that he was going away for this past weekend and I had a pretty busy day as well.

But the date went pretty well. (At least I think it did.) I was a bit nervous but I didn’t feel that “omg I need to get out of here” kind of feeling I’ve had on other dates! And I did notice subtle body language on his part that usually shows interest, like mimicking my own hand gestures, brushing my hand and that sort of thing. He was very attentive to what I was saying and I was attentive to what he was saying. But I was also nervous and when I’m nervous a part of me can err a little more to the stand-offish side rather than flirtatious.

At the end of the night (we hung out for at least three hours) he did walk me home but instead of trying to kiss me he gave me a friendly hug – but it was the one-arm hug! (The same hug we gave each other when we met up at the beginning of the night.) And when we said bye he said he’d let me know how his conference goes.

I was kind of confused because I thought the date went well and I didn’t pick up on any “he’s not interested” vibes so I was a little thrown off that he just said he’d let me know how it goes and not make even tentative plans for another date. I texted him the next day to say have a good weekend (conference was out of town) and he should’ve been back by tonight and I haven’t heard from him.

Usually if I don’t think a date went well I just walk away and say too bad, but he’s honestly the best guy I have met in a looooonng time and I’m reluctant to just walk away because I think I might have given off the “not-interested” vibes without meaning to. I figure he’s back in town now and I am not sure if I should text him asking him how it went? I don’t like initiating contact two times in a row but I’m wondering that if I did give off the wrong impression maybe that’s why he’s gone off the radar. But if I text him tomorrow or something asking him how it went would that just be really weird or would that maybe encourage him to at least talk to me again?? I can’t bring myself to totally walk away this time around but I also want to maintain some sort of dignity lol.

Thanks!

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

Ahh the ambiguity of the “one arm hug.” How wonderful. (We’re being sarcastic)

So we see your dilemma. Kind of. You see Michelle, if he has any sort of self-confidence, your “not interested” vibe would not be enough to dissuade him from getting back in touch with you. It’s not like you were acting that way when you first met him. You were actually out on a date, which means he must surmise that you were—or are—interested in him enough to spend more time with him than you actually needed to.

So we still think you need to let him take the initiative here. If he doesn’t get in touch with you in a week or so, feel free to text him then. But if we were in this situation, and we met a girl like you who we really liked, we’d definitely be looking forward to seeing you again. And we’d be contacting you as soon as we felt we could, especially being emboldened by your follow up text.

Be patient on this one. You don’t need to let it die, but you also don’t need to breathe life into it. It’s either going to happen or it’s not. And if he can’t see what’s in front of him, well then that’s his problem. Wait and week and then go from there.

We’re hoping this works out for you.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Feel free to ask us a follow question. Say hi to your friends up there in Canada. And check out our new “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy the latest contributions from Charlotte Pescale. “Rebecca, a memoir”

Dating an older guy: Why is he afraid?

Readers: Please check out our new Relationship Memoirs page to read some great guest writers. Thanks!

Hey Guys,

I’m 18 and I met this guy who is seven years older than me almost a year ago. We dated for about a month and it was going really well, until he decided we should stop because he thought we would make mistakes due to the age difference. However I insisted that we didn’t break all ties. I really liked him. We kept on seeing each other and sleeping together. But it’s not just about sex, we get along really well. It almost feels like a relationship.

But he hasn’t told any of his friends about us and seems ashamed. When I asked him why, he told me even though he enjoys spending time with me he feels like a thief; he feels guilty but he can’t explain why.

This is really frustrating, I feel loved and rejected at the same time. I don’t think I am someone that one could be ashamed of but my self-esteem is kind of hurt by this situation. Do you have an explanation for me, guys ? Why is he so afraid ? What could I do to reassure him ?

Stella

Dear Stella,

Thanks for your question. You should also check out our video on Dating an Older Guy. (Also, you might be interested in reading some of our Relationship Memoirs.

Your “boyfriend’s” actions show that at least he has a conscience. You see, he’s attracted to you, but feels like a thief because he understands on some level he’s stealing your youth. He knows he’s interfering with some of the experiences you should be having—experiences that he had when he was your age. Like dating guys your own age, and doing the things that 18 year olds do: college, dating, figuring out their career, going out on the town, traveling. He knows if you’re with him you’re going to miss out and he feels guilty about it.

There’s nothing wrong with dating an older guy Stella, and frankly seven years is not typically a big deal, but at your age it is. This guy is in a completely different place in life. He’s been operating in the adult world for the last four years and you’ve just completed high school. That’s not to say you’re not mature enough to handle it, and it’s not to say that these types of relationships never work, but the two of you are at very different places in your lives. And this is why he’s not introducing you to his friends and family. He’s not embarrassed of you, he’s embarrassed by his own actions. Basically he feels like he’s “robbing the cradle” and he believes all his friends will think the same thing. (He is.) And that’s why he’s keeping the relationship a secret and giving you mixed signals.

If he’s not going to change his behavior and treat you like a proper girlfriend we suggest you stop with the FWB arrangement and move on. Your self-esteem is only going to be affected more and more and that is not healthy for you. We also think you should pursue the things that 18 year olds pursue rather than date an older guy at this point in your life.

So stop fretting. Don’t feel badly about yourself. We’re sure you’re a great young woman that many a guy would be very proud to date. This situation is more about him than it is about you. Hope this helps.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question in the comments section below.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about dating older men:

Sugar Daddy: Could he be serious about me?

Does my coach love me or am I being delusional?

Teacher/student: I thought he was into me but he never asked me out

How do I keep him interested while he’s away?

Dear Guys,

Where do I begin?

I met this guy when he was dating a friend (not a close friend) about 5 years ago. We hit it off right away, but only as friends. About a year into their relationship she cheated on him for the first time. (My friend has a horrible cheating record and we all knew it would happen at some point.) This guy and I talked, connected, and shared a kiss. We both knew it was wrong and I told him to give her another chance, and he did. I was beginning to have feelings for him, but never pursued him because of the circumstances.

Fast forward a couple of years. The two broke up for good this time and he moved back to his hometown, which is five hours away. We kept in touch as friends over the years. Talking for a few hours every 5-6 months. I got in a relationship (which I’m trying to end amicably but I haven’t been happy for months..) and time moved on.

Now up to date: He was having a going away party because he was leaving for the army. At the party, most people were wasted so we got to hang out and talk the whole night. He was being very flirty with me, brought up old times, and kept putting his arm around me. I got a little drunk and told him how I’ve always had slight feelings for him. He told me that he has too and he kissed me again. We stayed up all night talking and kissing. I was a little skeptical that maybe he just wanted to get some before leaving for basic. However, he was a gentleman and didn’t try to sleep with me.

Ever since the party, we’ve been texting. Not daily, but enough. He has said, “It really blows that we’re just now getting back in touch. Timing was never our thing.” And “We’ll write eachother and see what happens.” He leaves for basic tomorrow and we talked on the phone for about an hour tonight.

I guess what I’m asking is, how do I keep him interested in me from a distance? Am I reading too much into this? We’re not dating by any means, but I don’t want to lose that opportunity. I can’t stop thinking about him, but I don’t want to come on too strong. I’ve been in a relationship for the past three years and I don’t really know how to do this anymore, especially when it’s someone who is far away with no phone/internet, and someone I don’t COMPLETELY know. Am I in over my head? Thanks for reading my dumb girl ramblings.

Jenn

Dear Jenn,

Thanks for your question. By no means do we think these are the ramblings of a “dumb girl.” We get it.

First of all, the fact that he once dated your friend has no bearing on this. That was in the past and if she has a problem with it she needs to get over it. It doesn’t sound like you’re worried about that too much but we just thought we’d throw it out there.

We’ve always felt there was something special about a written letter. It certainly is much more intimate than an email or a text. Remember, that’s how our parents and grandparents kept in touch, the golden age of correspondence. And it will give you an opportunity to add a personal touch every time you reach out to him. (Also an opportunity to possibly send small gifts, tokens, little things to remind him of home AND you.)

The other thing you have going for you is that he’s going to be very busy with basic training and he’s not going to be out at the bars every night hitting on other girls. He just won’t have the time, or the energy.

For now the best thing to do is try to keep the connection and energy alive, but let him be the one to get things going. Let him be the one to initiate. Believe us, if he’s really interested—which we think he is–he will want to keep this going. So really you don’t need to do anything but be yourself and trust your gut. Things will become clearer as this unfolds and you start corresponding.

Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question and please keep us posted as this progresses. And have fun!

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about military relationships:

Military relationship; what do I do?

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Overseas military affair

Dear Guys,

I am overseas in the military. When this marine and I met it was like love at first sight. We started talking everyday and having lunch together. But somehow he would not ask me out. I started questioning him why but he always had an excuse.

He came to visit my place and we made out a couple of times but didn’t have sex. He told me he had feelings for me but he had a girlfriend back in the states that he loves and doesn’t want to end his relationship with her. We broke up, sort of, and now he’s making me feel like I was the one that was pursuing him. (But he also says he still wants to be my friend and swears that he has deep feelings too, but he wants to stop the flirting and suggestive language that we used to use.)

I am hurting so much; I trusted him and then he does this to me?! Everyone that knows about the situation says that he is going to come back to me and is going to break up with his girlfriend. But I don’t want to get my hopes up. He said he doesn’t want to lead me on. But now we both extended our tour here and will be seeing each other a couple times of week. We are so attracted to each other and passionate for each other. It is amazing. He told me that he’s never felt this kind of passion before. Me either. He said that it feels so good and so natural to hold me and kiss me. What should I do? Advice please!!!

Zairi

Dear Zairi,

Thanks for your question.

The best thing to do right now is try to be friends with him as best you can. He’s right, while he has a girlfriend the two of you shouldn’t be flirting, or doing other things. But the fact that he’s tried to put this on you is a red flag. He’s not taking responsibility for his actions. From what we can see there was only one person who was cheating on their partner, and it wasn’t you. He’s got a lot of nerve to dump this on you. And that’s the other thing. You do realize this guy cheated on his girlfriend don’t you? And who’s to say he wouldn’t cheat on you if you were that girl back in the states? It’s certainly something to think about, and something that needs to be talked about if things move forward between the two of you.

We suggest that you try to work with him—if that’s why you’re seeing him a few times a week—and be friendly. But you need to make it clear to him that you’re not open to having a relationship with him until he’s resolved things with his girlfriend back home. (Meaning he’s broken up with her.)

The thing is, passion is great and all, but relationships only last if there’s strong communication, trust, and mutual respect. Those are things that are built over time.

Good luck. Please keep us posted as things progress. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about military relationships:

Military relationship; what do I do?

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Friends with Benefits with my boss?

Watch our video on “Friends with Benefits”

Read other posts about Friends with Benefits. FWB

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more?

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Can a guy’s taste really change?

___________________________

Dear Guys,

About 8 years ago I hooked up with my boss. I had a crush on him since I started the job. About a year later we hooked up. A one time only thing because I found out he was in a relationship that I didn’t know about.

We recently found each other again and he asked about hooking up again and seeing where things go this time because he’s single. I don’t know what to do. My problem is that I’ve always liked him and I really don’t know what his real intentions are. Is he just after a piece of ass or is he being real about things going somewhere? I know I will get attached because I don’t just go have sex to have sex. Should I give it a chance or run?

Jacquelyn

Dear Jacquelyn,

Thanks for your question.

The red flag here is that he had sex with you while he was in a relationship. That’s really our only concern here. If he did that then who’s to say he’s really changed? But it’s possible. That would be up to you to figure out.

However, having said that, life is about taking risks. And if you really like this guy we don’t see why you can’t explore things. BUT…we wouldn’t start off by hooking up and having sex with him. That’s a bad idea. Very bad idea. If he really wants to see where things go, suggest a proper type of courtship. If he’s really into exploring a relationship with you he’ll be open to this suggestion. If he’s not, and he keeps pushing for sex and a FWB arrangement, then you’ll have your answer.

RUN!

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Are guys all about looks? Help; what am I doing wrong?

Other questions about looks and physical beauty:

I’m short and I don’t feel beautiful

Hey Guys,

I’m a girl and I have this problem of attracting guys I don’t like, and losing the men I do like; and I really have know idea why. (I tend to go for the quiet, smart, and noble type like Alucard from Castlevania or Link from Legend of Zelda rather then the stereotypical bad boy).

I mean, I’m a bit quiet and reserved, and I’m tall and skinny like a model so I’m not very concerned with how I look. I hate makeup, I speak frankly, and I wear hoodies and cargo shorts because they’re convenient. I often talk and daydream about the world and philosophy, and I love video games. People keep telling me I’m a man’s dream come true, but if it was, I wouldn’t be having this problem. Am I too weird and boy-ish? Should I try wearing dresses, makeup, and frilly things like other girls even though I don’t like it? I like me the way I am, but I still have yet to get a good boyfriend and I’m 20.

I know girls have all these ‘handbooks on men’ but I think that’s just a bunch of crap. I want to hear it from a guy, but my guy friends got the wrong idea when I asked.

Lolly

Dear Lolly,

Thanks for your question.

Our answer: Keep being yourself. That’s the most attractive quality in a woman—or anyone for that matter.

It’s probably less your looks and more your attitude. Wearing hoodies, loose clothes, and other boyish attire might be telling the guys who you might want to meet that you’re not open to their advances. You see, most guys need to think they have some sort of chance with a woman. If they see a girl who either looks threatening, unavailable, or out of their league, they’re not going to even try. Guys might pretend they are full of confidence, but their egos are often fragile—especially younger guys. (Guys in their teens and early 20s)

So this is not about dresses and makeup it’s about making yourself seem more open. Is there a way you can do this without compromising who you are? You seem like a smart person, so we have no doubt that you can figure this out.

Also, it’s possible you keep traveling in the same circles and meeting the same kinds of guys. Are you in college? Taking classes? Pursuing your interests in a broader way? This is the best way to meet some guys you might actually like. Common interest is a great place to start.

Finally, stop fretting. It will happen for you. You are young, and the guys you’re hanging with just don’t “see you” yet. Trust us, at some point you won’t know how to fend off all the advances. At which time you might need to enlist Alucard and Link to help you.

We hope this helps a little.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Can a guy’s taste really change?

Dear Guys,

Ok so I have been sleeping with this guy for a while and recently over the past month or so he’s been acting like he wants more, wanting to date, making romantic gestures, sex getting regrettably less energetic on his part, wanting to talk more and snuggle in front of the TV. It’s thrown me; it was only supposed to be sex to start with. Also I met his ex I am so not his type.

Last year I fell for a guy and it was this whole whirlwind thing but he turned out to be sexually and emotionally abusive. Since then I haven’t felt ready to even consider letting anyone get that close; but with this guy it’s different and I have been questioning whether I could try to be with him. The problem is that if I’m going to take this massive step I kind of need him to be serious. And given how different I am from his ex I’m not sure he is. I don’t know if it’s really possible to change what you look for in someone that much.

Nobody wants to realize they are a carbon copy of someone’s ex but what if you realize you’re polar opposites? He’s not been with many women and they were together for four years so obviously she must be his type. And given how different we are I don’t see how his taste could change so dramatically. She’s tall, dark, and really curvy. I’m short, just under 5ft 4, pale and skinny thanks to a long struggle with an eating disorder. She’s posh and dresses really conservative where I’m more of a tomboy, wearing baggy jeans, skinny fit band tops, eyeliner, long, always slightly messy black hair. He never went out drinking with her or took her to a metal gig which is the kind of dating I do. Apparently her conservative demeanor extended into the bedroom; they didn’t even sleep together until seven months into their relationship whereas although I’m not proud to admit it, we got together through impromptu group sex after a lot of Jack Daniels.

However much of it comes down to acting out after my last relationship. When I met him sex was about taking control and getting off and I was having a lot of it. She’s the kind of girl you want to marry and take home to mum. And honestly I’ve never been a saint and I guess I feel like I’m the kind of girl you wouldn’t dream of doing either of those with. She’s confident and independent and I’m damaged and I don’t see how I could possibly compete with her.

Is it possible that a guy could really be attracted to two women who are so different or is he just trying to prove something to himself? At 21, I’m three years younger than both of them are and come with a lot more baggage. Why would a guy want to take that on especially when he’s obviously been used to something so much better?

Just really think I need a guy’s perspective on this.

Kahlan

Dear Kahlan,

Thanks for your question.

We’ll start with a question. Why can’t you just take things at face value? It seems like he’s really into you, so why are you questioning his motives, or his tastes? Honestly, your questions seem more about some of your insecurities rather than this guy’s tastes.

Sure, some guys may have a type, but typically guys are attracted to anyone who is, um, attractive. We don’t just go for blondes, brunettes, tall girls, curvy types, fashionable girls, girls with dimples, athletic girls, skinny girls, and every other possible type. We go for women we are attracted to for one reason or another. Often it’s hard for us to even explain. So guys do have a type: the type of girl they are attracted to.

Stop worrying about what you aren’t and realize that this guy is into all the things you are. From what you describe you are: fun, exciting, maybe a bit “dangerous”, interesting, open, enthusiastic, inquisitive, attractive, etc. We could go on. And we’re sure he could go on and on about all the reasons he’s into you.

We are not guaranteeing anything here, but we are saying, ENJOY IT. See what happens. Don’t second guess his motives, or what he’s thinking. And if you’re not sure you could always ask him. But be careful not to make him feel like he always has to build you up. One of the most attractive qualities a women can have is confidence. So just be yourself.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And leave us a comment.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other related posts:

I’m short and I don’t feel beautiful

I’m hot for my tutor; will he date me?

Dear Guys,

I am a college freshman (18 yrs old) and recently I been having trouble with a class. I got tutoring but then switched my tutors to this guy who I found very attractive. (He is 25 yrs old). After our first tutoring session he texted me and we briefly flirted. At the end of our second session we end up having a hot make out session which lead to me pleasuring him.

After that he didn’t text me but I texted him asking for tutoring the next day. The next day after our tutoring session as I was about to leave he kissed me. I told him it didn’t feel right to be making out because I barely knew him and he was my tutor. However, we kept making out and things kept getting hotter and hotter. We ended up having sex. At the end I ended up telling him that I actually wanted him to ask me out. He was like really I didn’t know.

Well the thing is that I am really attracted to him. He is funny, witty, intelligent, hot, talented, and nice. I like him but I feel like he thinks I am just a FWB. I don’t know what to do because I thought he wanted to ask me out or liked me but he hasn’t done anything about it. And the bad thing is that I keep thinking about him and I want to be with him again. I don’t know what to tell him. I want to clarify and know what he wants. I need a guy’s perspective on this!

Haley

Dear Haley,

Thanks for your question.

Your situation is confusing because you’ve wandered into murky waters. Typically students and teachers shouldn’t be having any sort of relations outside the classroom. (This includes tutors as well. ) We do realize you’re 18 and of age, but that doesn’t mean he’s got a free pass. And if he is employed by your college he certainly understands what the boundaries are.

If the two of you want to have some sort of relationship you should stop seeing him as a tutor and see if he’ll ask you out on a proper date. But honestly, we’re not even encouraging that, because there’s a large divide between the two of you. He’s already out in the adult working world, and frankly you’ve only just graduated from high school. This might not seem like a big deal but there’s a huge gap in emotional and cognitive maturity here. Also, factor in that he’s your tutor, which makes it difficult to have a balanced relationship because he automatically has more power, being in a position of authority. What essentially happens is the tutor/student dynamic continues into the actual relationship.

We know you’re smitten, but honestly we don’t think he’s looking for anything more than a good time with you. And it doesn’t sound like that’s really what you want. (We don’t blame you.) So our suggestion: Get a different tutor and find yourself a nice guy who is a student at your college.

Check out our video: Dating older men

Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us a follow up question.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Other questions about student/teacher dating and dating older men:

Does my coach love me or am I being delusional?

Teacher/student: I thought he was into me but he never asked me out

An ex that comes back and now has cancer

Hi There,

A year ago I met a man online by that certain website that ‘matches’ us. It was only a trial membership, but as the saying goes…’never say never’. Anyway, this man lives in N.Carolina and I live in Chicago. I winked at him apparently but I don’t remember that part. Let’s just call him John. John wanted to come to Chicago to meet me and I had some reservations due to the long distance. John travels for a living, and at that time I was kind of looking for someone who travels, as my job sometimes caused me to travel.

Now John and I are both divorced and both have a son. My son is older and my plans are to move from Chicago once my son graduates from high school. Fast forward. John and I had several obstacles due to our schedules and after three months he decided it was too hard and it was best to move on. I was devastated, more then I ever expected. I really started to fall in love with John. I know in my heart, he too felt the same, but was trying to be the good man that he is and be honest and told me it was best we move on and that he wished things could be different with our situation. He wanted to remain friends, and I couldn’t. It would be too hard for me. John was shocked about that.

So a year goes by and John reaches out to me. A whole year of my trying to move on and date other people. I had so much emotion when I finally saw his text that I had to control myself. It seems what I felt inside was still very much alive and buried deep, and even caught me by surprise. So it took me a while to reply to him. I made it clear that I wanted a relationship and that I deserved someone who wants me as much as I want them. He agreed we should see each other because he felt something was there, and that he was thinking of me. So we started to make plans for him to come to Chicago. In a time span of two weeks of planning to see each other, John calls me to tell me he had come back from the doctor and he has testicular cancer. My heart sank. All I kept thinking is….he can’t die….there is no way this man came back into my life to die. So I stayed strong and did everything I could (from a distance) to be there and supportive.

Slowly…John started to sound depressed, and scared, and his demeanor became distant. He was dealing with work and family and me …out there far away. John had surgery and had a good prognosis of just needing radiation. This kind of cancer is curable, and he didn’t tell me what stage, but being in healthcare I know that him not having chemo was a good sign. The irony of all this is that my ex-husband also had testicular cancer. Just my luck. Only difference is that I love John far more then my ex-husband. So we had to push our meeting back until after his surgery.

On February 24 John came to Chicago, thin , frail and still healing only two-and-a-half weeks after surgery. To see me. He spent three days with me. He seemed not himself, for what I sensed what he was just going through. Conversations led to tears and past hurts he had from relationships that caused him great pain, and all of sudden his doubts and fears about hurt and trust were surfacing. After a year of not speaking, to this….I didn’t know what to think. I felt like he wanted to end things to do the noble thing…once again. Was it the cancer, was it me?

He wanted me back in his life, before he got diagnosed, so why now is he changing his mind? We basically said our goodbyes at the airport. He was crying and I think afraid that I told him I love him. At this point I had nothing more to lose to let him know. I know it probably made him scared but I don’t care. Do you think I will hear from him? All he kept saying is that he didn’t have the same strong feelings that I had for him. But initially before the cancer diagnosis, he felt something was there and when I told him I wanted a relationship, he agreed and wanted to see me. It all changed when the cancer happened. As sore as he was we did make love when he was with me. I believe that he loves me but is scared now. I can’t stop crying and I miss him so much. Could someone just not care just like that? I did email him to tell him that I still want to be with him and that I am there. No response. I dont know how to move past this. It’s like I am grieving and so worried about him.

Will I ever hear from him? Please help.

Concetta

Dear Concetta,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.

When someone is faced with a personal challenge—especially when it’s health related like cancer—they often try to surround themselves with the people they love for support. You certainly fall into this category for him. It’s not like he moved on from your relationship because he didn’t care about you, he just felt the whole thing was a bit too difficult to try and manage. But when he found out he had cancer, all of a sudden he realized how much he missed you in his life.

But what also happened is he ignored some of the other feelings he may have had—or not had—for you. Meaning, the emotional state he was (and is) in caused him only to remember what he missed about you, but when the two of you got together he realized that he doesn’t feel for you, they way you feel for him. He’s not ignoring you now because he doesn’t care; he’s ignoring you because he realizes to entertain any sort of dialogue with you would be leading you on.

We wish we could give you more hopeful news but that’s how we see it. The best thing to do is be there for him as a friend—if this is possible—and see how it goes. It is possible his past relationships are impacting his ability to move forward with you, but if he’s telling you he doesn’t feel how you feel, then all you can do is take him at his word. Remember, as much as you love him, you still don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you, as you feel about them.

Take care of yourself Concetta. Try and be strong. But you might really need to consider moving on, as difficult as that may be. Feel free to ask us any follow up questions. Leave us a note in the comments section. We’ll respond there.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

Divorced with kids: Why am I still single?

Guys,

Okay I am sure you have been asked this before. I am a seven years divorced mum of 3. I work and have a couple of social hobbies. I am quite good looking so I’ve been told. Yet not once in seven yrs have I been asked out. I tried the dating sites recently, met a few gents for coffee, and one stood out. So for a couple of months we got on really well. But then I found out he was still meeting others on the site and had been all along.

Do I need to wear a sign saying I am available and want an honest, trustworthy gent. They must be out there!

What am I doing wrong?

Tracy

Dear Tracy,

Thanks for your question.

We imagine that some of your difficulty stems from being a good mom. Probably a lot of your time—when you’re not working—you are helping your kids with homework, carting them around to their various activities, and generally spending quality time with them. And you probably don’t have a lot of time to go out socially. But in your case, you’re going to need to make an extra effort to get yourself out there.

We don’t think you’re doing anything wrong per se. Dating sites are a good way to meet people, especially for the busy, working person who has a lot of responsibilities. So we would suggest keeping your profile up to date. (Check out our videos on how to write a great profile on our Video Page) If you’ve already met one interesting person—although it’s unfortunate that he was untruthful—it’s likely you’ll meet someone else. (Hopefully this time a bit more open and honest.)

Tracy, you just need to get yourself out there. Say YES. Meaning, if you get asked to do things by your friends, just go, even if you’re tired. (And if you can get a babysitter.) Say yes to parties when you can, social events, parent meetings, whatever. It just sounds like you’re not meeting enough people. If you’re as cute as people say you are, you’ll attract attention just be getting yourself out there.

We realize full well how difficult it is to juggle being a single parent and an active social life, but let’s think of your situation from a business standpoint. Let’s say you were unemployed. What would you do? You’d update your resume, get yourself out there on LinkedIn, etc. and you’d start to network with people. You’d let friends know your were looking for a job, and you’d meet as many people as you possibly can. (Now don’t roll your eyes!) Dating is more similar than you might imagine. You have to put the word out there and let the network do some work for you.

Finally, guys WILL date single moms, but it’s a little more complicated sometimes. Some guys will be open to dating a woman with kids but they won’t be looking for a commitment. So it’s up to you to figure out who is for real and who isn’t. Check out some of our other posts on dating single moms for some more tips.

Divorced woman with kids dating a bachelor

Dating as a single mom

Will guys date single moms?

“Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Finding a date for prom

Other questions about the Prom: (If you have a question about your upcoming prom, ask away.)

A confused girl; the prom

The prom

Also Read:

Do looks matter? and High school dating: Am I hot or not?

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Dear Guys,

I’m a senior in high school and prom is two months away.

I switched schools my junior year and I’ve had trouble making friends—from being shy—so I’m not really close friends with anyone at my new school, especially with guys. Also, I’ve never been asked to anything before, so I’m a little worried that I won’t get asked for prom.

So I guess my question is this: Should I dwell on having a date, if I don’t get asked? Should I even go at all?

Thank you for reading,

Morgan

Dear Morgan,

Thanks for your question.

There’s a lot of hype and fantasy around high school prom. Boys are often told by their older brothers, or older guys “that know,” that it’s a night where girls will be more open to giving up the “goods” so to speak. Just the thought of that possibility is enough to make them woozy with excitement. For girls, prom is sometimes thought of as a trial run to that magical wedding they hope to have someday. But the reality is, the actual night certainly can be fun, but it rarely lives up to expectations.

But still, we encourage you to go if at all possible, because for every person the experience is different. Some people actually do have a great time, and it is a unique part of the high school experience that only happens at this time in your life. But we’d recommend going with another person. (Going by yourself won’t be much fun, unless you go with a group of other singles. But that might be difficult since you don’t know many people at the school.)

But there are other options besides having a guy ask you out and going by yourself. The key is to not dwell on the date aspect of this. Who constitutes your “date” can be very loosely defined.

The person could be:

1. An official date where a boy asks you to go.

2. A guy friend whom you feel comfortable going with as just friends.

3. A girl friend whom you feel comfortable going as friends so you can check out the scene.

If there’s no one at your new school to go with, have you thought about asking someone from your old school? It might seem far-fetched but it’s not. A few of us (GUYS) went to proms at other schools, even in other states. (And of course a few of us didn’t even go to prom.) There’s also the option of going to the prom at your old school. Did you have someone special there? Even just a good friend to go with? Something to think about.

Morgan, give it another few weeks; if it looks like you’re not going to get asked—and don’t feel badly about this because high school boys won’t ask a girl unless they’re sure the girl will say yes; and since you’re new, and no one really knows you that well, you are a mystery, and thus not a sure thing—you need to get proactive and see if you can find a date to go with. We know this isn’t ideal, but it’s worth making the effort.

However, Morgan, if nothing works out, treat yourself to something fun that night, and try not to worry about it. It’s not a reflection of you, it’s just circumstance.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Online Dating: I ended the date early because I freaked out; but I really like him

Other questions about online dating:

Online dating; should I move forward?

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more?

Online dating; am I booty call or more?

Divorced and online dating

Videos about online dating:

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

______________________________

Dear Guys,

I met a guy on an online dating website. I’m not a fan of endless emails going back and forth so I suggested we meet up the following week after having exchanged a couple of emails and phone numbers. For your information, he contacted me first.

I gave him a choice of either Thursday or Friday for our first meeting and he chose Friday. Because he was new in town, he asked me to suggest a place to meet. So came Friday, I met him outside the bar we arranged to meet at. He was very friendly and gave me a big hug. We decided to go to a coffee shop and grab a coffee instead of staying at the bar because it was too crowded there. He was very gentlemanly and offered to pay for my coffee when he saw that I had my wallet in my hand. We talked over coffee. He told me about himself, why he was here, what he did. It turned out that he had a very successful career in finance. I was very nervous the whole time because to be honest, I don’t usually meet guys like that. He was good-looking, very fit, very smart, and very well-off. There were times when I really didn’t know what to say and I’m sure I sounded like my IQ had dropped by 20 points.

After the coffee, I thought he might’ve gotten so bored of me that he wanted to leave. To my surprise, he asked if I wanted to go to a bar and get a drink. I said okay but all the bars in the area were busy on Friday night so I suggested a place that was great for talking, if he didn’t mind walking for about 20 minutes. He said he didn’t mind at all so we walked for 20 minutes to a place near where I work. All the time we were talking—he made a lot of conversation even when I was nervous and didn’t know what to talk about.

So we went to this bar near where I worked. He ordered a drink for me, asking me if I wanted my “usual” which was one of the things I told him about earlier when we were having coffee. (That I usually only drink Vodka Diet Coke.) We sat down and started talking again. We talked about a lot of random things, he told me about his family, his job. He was definitely trying to impress me during the conversation. When the conversation stopped—usually when I was nervous I didn’t know what to say—he would look at me and smile.

I think the physical attraction and chemistry was definitely there. He was very gentlemanly throughout the whole night – steered away from topics of sex, when he talked he sometimes lightly touched my arms, although I could sense he was trying to be “cautious” with the amount of physical contact. He never had his phone out of his pocket, except when I went to the bathroom; when he saw me coming back he put his phone away immediately. At one point I asked him what he liked about my profile, immediately he looked shy and embarrassed and he said that I was very pretty and also I looked like an interesting person with lots of interests and hobbies. I asked him how he found me now that he’s met me in person, whether or not he found me boring, and he said no and that he was having a great time. Then he asked me what I liked about him.

When my glass of drink was almost empty he asked me if I wanted another one but because I was so nervous I said no. He got himself another drink and we kept talking. At that point I realized he was the kind of guy I had always dreamed of, but never got to meet. I felt like I was having a panic attack because I was worried I might blow it by not being myself and then appear boring to him. So when the conversation stopped again, and he did what he usually did when I wasn’t talking, which was staring into my eyes and smiling, I said awkwardly “I think I’d better get going.” He looked really surprised and disappointed. It was the first time in the night that his smile disappeared from his face. But he just said, “Okay let’s go.”

By that time, we had spent a little over three hours together; it was 10 o’clock. Outside the bar, he asked me which way I was headed and I told him I was headed to the station opposite to where we came. He gave me a big hug and said, “I’ll give you a call and we’ll hang out again.”

The next day he sent me a text after midnight (Sunday morning) that said “Last night was fun. Glad I got to meet you. Hope we can see each other again soon.” I texted him back the next morning, eight hours later and said, “I had a lovely time too, thank you, and would love to catch up again. I’m sorry I left abruptly on Friday, I was not feeling very well and slightly nervous.”

Now it’s Tuesday night and he still hasn’t text me back or called me. What should I do? I definitely felt there was a lot of chemistry between us but I was also worried that because he was such a smart and successful guy, I might not sounded interesting or smart enough for him.

Should I contact him if he doesn’t get back to me? Is he interested but worried that I’m not interested in him? I think that by telling him I was nervous I was basically telling him that I liked him. Or is he just plain not interested enough to ask me out again?

Chocobo

Dear Chocobo,

Thanks for your question and for your donation.

All signs tell us this guy is into you, at least from what you describe of your first date. Lightly touching your arm, remembering your favorite drink, smiling during awkward pauses, telling you that he thought you were pretty, wanting to extend the night as long as he could, texting you to let you know he had a good time, are all very positive signs. He definitely seems attracted and interested in you. In general we don’t see any issues on his side, well, except the fact that he didn’t walk you to your car, train, or transportation. Maybe he was feeling rejected, but we like to see a guy insist even if he’s feeling insecure. (Just something we had to say.)

We know that you were nervous, especially when you realized this guy was the kind of guy you had always dreamed of, but you need to stop letting your insecurities show. Obviously he’s attracted to you because he contacted you, and because of all the positive signs we noted above. And if a guy is physically attracted to a woman he is willing to give it some time to see if he is into her in other ways. Meaning, your occasional loss of words is certainly not a deal breaker. However your insecurity could be if you’re not careful. Please don’t ask him again if you’re boring. Do you think you’re boring? Probably not, right? So don’t assume he does. Let him make his own mind up. Boring to one person, is interesting to another. It’s all subjective, so there’s no need to put that out there.

Just because he’s an interesting and smart guy doesn’t mean he’s looking for someone just like him. Have you heard of Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences before? Basically Gardner says that people are smart in lots of different ways, and that there is not just one way to be smart. Just because this guy might know a lot about finance, or a variety of topics, and you don’t, doesn’t mean he’s smart and you’re not, or that you’re not good enough for him. If he judges you that way, then he’s not the kind of guy you want anyway.

“Chocobo,” just be yourself. That’s the most attractive quality a person can have. And frankly, you want him to fall for the person you are, not some projection of who you think he wants you to be.

Now to your questions. If he’s a confident guy he should contact you and ask you out again. You more than made up for your abrupt departure by letting him know you had a good time and telling him you were nervous. He should be able to pick up on that. If he doesn’t contact you this week, there’s nothing wrong with sending him another text saying you’d love to see him again. But we think you should wait it out this week. Text him next Monday.

One cautionary note: Hopefully he won’t wait until Thursday or later to ask you out for the weekend. He should be asking you out at least by Wednesday for a weekend date. Spur of the moment dates are great from Sun-Thurs, but not on a Friday and Saturday.

Chocobo—is that your nickname or a made up name?—we think you’ll get to see him again. Be patient. And hang in there. And please keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment—here in the comments section; we’ll respond here as well—or a follow up question if you see him again. Or ask us another question anytime.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Share on Twitter and Facebook. @TGPBuzz.

I’m short and I don’t feel I’m beautiful

Also Read: Do looks matter? and High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Dear Guys,

I’m 4’11″ and I’m 16; I feel like I can’t be beautiful.

Because of my height, I can’t dress the way I want to, because I’ll always look like a little girl trying to look older. I want to be able to wear red lipstick, and wear pretty dresses, and makeup without always looking like I’m younger than I am. I doubt I’ll grow anymore and it really sucks.

What do you think I should do?

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

We understand that you’re at an age where all the girls are “experimenting” with fashion and their looks. Sure, girls want to look and feel attractive, so they put on lots of make up and wear revealing clothes to try and look older and more seductive. And to a degree it works. Guys certainly notice girls who look this way, but not necessarily for the best of reasons.

However, our answer is not going to turn into a lecture Sarah. We know you understand that inner beauty is most important, and that you are so much more than just your physical looks and dimensions. We’re sure you’ve been told all of that before. And while we agree with that sentiment, we also understand that you really want some answers to what’s bothering you.

Your Height:

Let’s say a guy is shorter than average, maybe three inches shorter than an average guy. Even though it shouldn’t matter we know it does, because most women want a man who is taller than them for a variety of reasons. So what happens is—and certainly not in every case—a shorter guy’s options can be limited. Of course this can be made up in a variety of ways. He’s smart, charming, rich, athletic, etc. But for the normal every day guy it’s tough being short in the competitive dating world.

But for a women it’s typically not an issue at all. And 4’11″ is considered petite, which is totally in the realm of average. And frankly, most guys don’t even care really, especially as they get a little older. Sarah, please don’t determine your beauty by the lens of a teenage boy. Teenage boys basically go for flirtatious girls with big boobs. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) But what we’re saying is their scope is very limited. Whereas guys who are a little bit older—college and into their twenties and beyond—have a much broader palette when it comes to whom they’re attracted to.

Your Youthful Appearance:

At 16, you may have matured on some levels, but you’re hardly fully matured even if you’ve stopped growing vertically. Trust us, when you head off to college in a few years—if you choose that path—your appearance will already have changed. And it only continues. The difference between the way a person looks at 16 and say 25 is usually quite striking. You’ll be surprised. (Hopefully in a good way!)

Also, it sounds like you’re one of the lucky people who looks younger than his/her age. Maybe it’s annoying to you now because people think you’re 13 when you’re really 16. But when you’re 30 and people think you’re 23 you might like it. And we can guarantee at 40, when people think you’re in your early 30s, you’ll love it. And so on.

Sarah, we think you should focus on being 16 and figuring out who you are and who you want to be. Sure, experiment all you want, but try not to worry so much. What’s happening now in your life doesn’t necessarily determine how the rest of your life is going to be.

Our one piece of advice: Once you start to truly accept the way you look, you’ll immediately become more attractive to everyone around you. People are always drawn to people who are comfortable in their own skin.

Here’s another post to read about guys and what they look for in a girl/woman: Do looks matter?

Let us know if we can answer any other questions you might have now, or in the future. And please let your friends know about us. Leave us a follow up comment/question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

And try to have some fun Sarah!

THE GUYS

ps. Readers, please leave Sarah a comment. We’re sure she would love some more feedback. Thanks!

Questions about the Prom: (If you have a question about your upcoming prom, ask away.)

A confused girl; the prom

The prom

Teacher/Student Dating: I thought he was into me but he never asked me out

Check out some of our videos:

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do the long distance dance?

And more……..

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Hi Guys!

I’ve been wondering for a long time why this guy never asked me out.

Here’s the story: I’m an English teacher in Buenos Aires, Argentina, and I used to deliver “in company classes.” Of course many of my students were men. At that time I was 26 and this guy in question was 32. He was my student for about 7 months and during all that time he kept flirting with me—or at least that’s what I thought.

Many a time I would just ignore him to see what his reaction was, and he really got angry, embarrassed. I don’t know…the thing is I think he was pissed off because of my indifference! Whenever I asked him to do an activity (speaking) he would go red and sweat like a pig! So, I gathered that he felt something for me. He repeatedly told me he was single and had no kids and that he was looking for a girlfriend.

I googled him and found that he had several accounts on different dating sites. His profile was always the same: LOOKING FOR a SERIOUS relationship with a WOMAN- NO KIDS.

SOOO!! I said to myself, “He’s gonna ask me out when the course is finished.” Guess what? On the last day of the course he didn’t show up. He didn’t even had the decency of finishing the course! He simply vanished.

AND it gets more interesting. Three months later—I had already included him in my MSN—he “connects” (he was always “absent”) and he writes “hello” and then disconnects again.

What do you think GUYS?? May I have misinterpreted the whole situation? Was he flirting with me? If he was why didn’t he ask me out? If he wasn’t into me at all…why did he even bother?

I would really appreciate an answer, please..

Thank you,

Laura (from Argentina)

Dear Laura,

Thanks for your question.

It’s a tricky maneuver to try and date your teacher. Besides the obvious boundary issues between teacher and student—although in this case it’s not quite as taboo since you’re both adults—he probably didn’t think you would be receptive to dating him after you feigned indifference for so long.

See Laura, as the teacher, you held the power. All he could do was hint around and try to get a read on your interest. His original plan was to probably wait until the class was over and then ask you out. But sensing your indifference he probably said forget it. And then his ego kicked in. It’s hard enough to get rejected, but then to have to sit in class and listen to the very person who rejected you—even if it’s just in his mind— is even tougher to take. That’s the most likely explanation for why he skipped the last class and didn’t say goodbye.

Playing hard to get is a necessary tool for women to use in this complex, and sometimes scary, dating world. But each situation is different, and every guy is different. (Hopefully you won’t always feel the need to make the guy work so hard.) But in this case, we absolutely agree with you feigning indifference as the teacher of the class, especially since most of your students were men. (You shouldn’t have any regrets.) Many guys would have been strong enough to see the situation through. They would have been able to “read” your behavior better than this guy, and understand the game that was being played. This guy’s ego was a bit too fragile to handle a strong girl like you.

Please leave us a comment. Or ask us a follow up question. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And feel free to ask us another question anytime.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

For more info on this topic read: Does my coach love me or am I being delusional?

Why did he cry when he’s the one breaking up?

Other Questions about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:

I didn’t want the divorce; how do I get him back?

This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me?

Getting back together; is it possible?

__________________________

Dear Guys,

I met this guy a year ago on a business event. However, we live in different countries about three hours flight away. But since he traveled to my country for work occasionally, I would see him. He spent almost seven months pursuing me. (He flew to my country to spend his birthday with me. And last Sept he flew in again to celebrate my birthday. I was touched).

For those seven months he flew almost every two weeks to visit me, or if I was in nearby cities for business trips he would fly there to see me. I would say I was happy being with him and he doted on me. We had a great time together every time we met.

However things started to change when he was facing some issues in his career. Many things happened in his company and he became very stressed. Then he was away for two months from last December, but he flew to see me before his long trip of visiting his family in Xmas and work meetings in the US. During his absence he kept in contact with me every day by text messages, sending me pics, or calling me sometimes. I completely left him alone to enjoy his free time and holiday. It was mostly him contacting me every day.

Two weeks ago he finished his trip and he flew to see me immediately. When I saw him I noticed he was not happy. We then had a conversation and he told me all his issues about work and why is he stressed. He cannot find any satisfaction in his current career anymore and he may have a chance to move to other company. He’s totally lost. The first time I saw all the sorrows on his face I tried to comfort him. Then suddenly he told me he would like to be alone that night and it was fine with me as I understood he wasn’t in any romantic mood; I left him alone.

Next day we met for lunch and I felt something was wrong. I was right. Out of the blue he told me that he can’t be in a relationship now. He said he’s not in any romantic mood and it’s unfair for him to drag me into this as he wants me to be happy. I didn’t say anything as I tried to be calm and listen to his concerns. Then he started to cry. He said his biggest concern is causing me to be unhappy. He said he feels sick and his stomach hurts thinking of that. He told me how incredible and beautiful I am and he said he is not happy with himself and he won’t be able to make me happy. And he wants me to be happy. He said I deserve happiness which he is lacking it right now. He needs to figure out his work situation.

I was very calm and of course I cried too when I saw him cry. But he cried more than I did. Then we had a very long conversation, not about our relationship but instead about his own issues and what makes him unhappy in general. I was very patient and attentive. He told me everything and was very open and honest with me. He then said he feel much better after our chat and he appreciated very much my help and understanding. He said he doesn’t want to lose me in his life as a friend and asked me if I was planning on disappearing from his life. I told him I will be here to support him. (I didn’t tell him regardless how hard it is to me as my heart aches, but how can I say no to him?)

Guys, why does he want to break up with me when it’s clearly difficult and hurts himself and me? Why doesn’t he want me to go through this difficult time with him instead of letting me go? I would love to share his ups and downs and I want to be next to him and support him. I understand he doesn’t know where is he going in the future, but distance never seemed to be an issue for us from the very beginning.

What do you guys think I should do and what’s the possibility of both of us getting back together? I have not been in contact with him since that day because I know space is what he needs right now. I would appreciate it if you can give me some insights to what’s going on. My heart aches but I am leaving him alone for good….

Thanks guys,

Evol

Dear Evol,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry your heart is aching so much right now. It sounds like this guy really cares about you, which is why he was crying even though he was breaking up. We’ll try and explain.

In general, a guy’s ego is closely linked to his career. And even though these days some men are choosing to spend more time at home with their kids, most men still connect their self-worth with their ability to provide, which means their job is very important to them. So, when your guy says he’s lost and doesn’t want to drag you into it, he’s not lying. He definitely seems like the kind of guy that needs to have all his ducks in a row when it comes to his job.

If you were going through a career crisis you might look to your friends, your family, and your boyfriend to support you. But most guys handle this type of situation differently than women. They isolate themselves and try to figure it out on their own. They either feel guilty because they no longer are bringing home the type of money they were, angry because they were mistreated at work, or worthless because they don’t know what to do. And some guys feel all of the above. Your guy doesn’t want to lean on you because he doesn’t want to show weakness to you. He wants you to think of him as strong and successful. We know you don’t care about all of that and you love him how he is, but that doesn’t change the way he feels inside.

The best that you can do right now is be a sounding board if he calls you and wants to talk. Let him know that you will support him if he needs support. But pushing the relationship right now might not be the best plan. He wants space.

However, having said all that, the way he’s handled this should at least make you pause and question how reliable he might be in a long term relationship. Even if he comes back after he solves his current career situation, can you really trust a guy that breaks up with you when the going gets tough? Yes, guys like to isolate themselves to solve problems but that doesn’t mean they actually break up with their woman. That poses another question. What’s the real reason for the break up? Is it because of his job situation or is it something else? That’s the question you need to figure out. Unfortunately you’re going to have to wait for a bit before you get that answer.

We do think at some point he’s going to want to talk about everything, and explain more about what’s been going on with him. And that would be a good time for you to tell him how you’ve been feeling and what you need from him as a partner. Remember, your relationship should be a two way street where you’re both giving and both receiving.

We hope this works out for you. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond in comments section as well.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Long distance “friends” or something more?

Visit our Video Page. Watch our latest: Friends with Benefits

Dear Guys,

So I have been friends with this guy for eleven years; we actually went out on one date right before he told me he was moving to the US for work. He also told me he would be back in a year or two. Eleven years later, he is still there.

Well after he left we chatted over email for a bit. But then as time went on I met my now ex (after 8 years) and he was dating other girls and we both lived our lives.

We have always stayed in contact, making plans to get together when he visited home. He would also ask me to come visit. But we actually never, ever met up at all over the eleven years. That is until this Xmas. He and I finally met up for the first time we were both single.

We get along really well, and find each other very attractive. And we slept together for the first time during his visit. As he put it, “It took eleven years for things to align.”

Now that he is back in the US I think about him constantly; it’s a problem Since I’ve had a crush on him for eleven years and now I finally got a taste of what it would be like, he’s all I want. We still chat via text/email and sometimes dirty texts are exchanged. But I’m too shy to actually make a move and go see him in case he thinks we are just friends. And I’m too shy to go out on a limb and ask him to be with me. No one wants to be rejected.

How do you take a friendship to the next level when they are so far away?

And is it okay to be the one to make a move? Should that be the guy’s job??

Sandra

Dear Sandra,

Thanks for your question.

Ideally it would be the guy’s “job” to take the initiative and move your relationship to the next level. But he’s not doing that, at least not yet. But the two of you are communicating a lot right? So it seems that he’s willing to put some time into keeping the lines open, so that’s a positive.

The question we have for you is, didn’t you already sleep with him? And if so, that definitely catapults you from just friends to something else. What that “something else” is, is not clear, but it’s definitely not just friends or “Friends with Benefits.”

“Friends with Benefits” is an arrangement of convenience. It’s an arrangement that’s easy, with no strings attached. Your situation is anything but convenient, and it’s anything but easy. And a mutual crush for eleven years or longer is not something you should underestimate. That’s a long time to be thinking of someone. Sure some of those feelings may fall into the fantasy realm, but it’s way too soon to think he doesn’t want to explore any further.

Another reason he might be dragging his feet is because you live in two different countries. It would be a huge deal for you to move, or for him to move. But the fact is, in order for you to really know whether you have something special the two of you need to spend much more time together. So maybe it’s time for you to take a deep breath, put aside your shyness, and just go for it.

The only way to take this relationship to the next level is by talking about what you really want, or what you potentially might really want. We think it’s okay to tell him all of this because you’ve known him for so long and have had this mutual attraction for so long. It’s not like you just met in a bar one weekend and then he moved to a different country. The two of you have some sort of history together which gives your situation more potential.

Why don’t you “slow play” this for another month or so, and then in late March/early April, if he hasn’t suggested a visit, or talked about the relationship, bring it up yourself. Yes, Sandra, being rejected frankly stinks. But we still think it’s better to have some sort of information rather than wonder what’s going on. And it is possible that he’ll be relieved that you brought it up because he could be as nervous and scared as you, and fear being rejected as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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_______________________________

Hey Guys,

Okay, so there’s this guy in my class named Ryan. He was in one of my other classes last year, so we both know each other. My best friend and his best friend almost dated each other so we have hung out out side of school before. But that was only once, and now that our friends don’t really like each other any more we don’t hang out at school any more either.

He is in my bio class and we will talk to each other in groups but I don’t have his number or anything, so I can’t really text him at all. I’m kind of starting to like him because he seems really cool and we’re both artists and I feel like we could really get along well together. I just don’t know how to get him to notice me or talk to me more. I know this will sound weird but his mom has kind of a a rockabilly/pinup style and that’s the way that I dress too, so would that make him not like me because I would remind him of his mom?

I’ve never had a boyfriend before, and I’m not the most ordinary girl. I have sandy blonde hair and I don’t wear what every other girl is wearing. I always thought that guys would want to go for the girl that doesn’t look or dress like every other girl, but that hasn’t really worked out for me ahahaa. But I haven’t seen him with a girl at all or heard about him having a thing with a girl so I know he’s definitely single, and he knows I’m single. I’m very independent, and some of my friends have told me that I am very intimidating when it comes to my personality, which I don’t understand because I feel like I’m one of the nicest, drama-free people in my whole group of friends ahaha.

So yeah, I just want to know what I’m doing wrong. I suck at flirting because I haaate girls that make it sooo obvious that they’re trying to flirt with a guy. And I hate girls that are easy so I try not to be one of those girls. Well thanks for reading my looong message, and hopefully this will help me out.

Thaaanks,

Tatum. (:

Dear Tatum,

Thanks for your question.

We applaud you for being an individual and following your own passion and style. High school—we’re assuming you’re in high school—can be difficult for kids who buck the trend and do their own thing. Good for you. But that can be intimidating to people, especially to young guys.

An independent girl that doesn’t necessarily care if some guy is a good athlete or part of the “in crowd” is an enigma to young guys, because guys are so used to attracting girls because of something they’re good at instead of who they are—an interesting and good person perhaps. So we can imagine many of the guys at your school don’t quite know what to make of you, or how to handle you. (It doesn’t matter that you’re really nice and drama-free. It’s all about perception. And young guys are pretty insecure when it comes to strong, passionate, and focused girls.)

We’re not sure where this guy falls in the scope of high school guys but he still is a young guy so he might need some help here. Meaning, you’re going to have to make it obvious to him that he’s not going to be rejected if he pursues you beyond friendship. Don’t you have some friends that could drop a hint or two? Or is there some art show, or gallery the two of you could go to? Or something else casual that you could invite him to? If he likes you, he might welcome you taking the initiative. And with some relaxed hang, especially if it was during a Saturday afternoon or something, you could kind of make it seem like it was a friendly outing instead of a date. After that, there’s not much else you can do. If he doesn’t take the reigns after you’ve made it easy for him then he’s either not interested or too insecure to pursue you.

But don’t over think this. The fact that you dress like his mom is not causing him not ask you out. If a guy is attracted to you then he’s attracted to you. It wouldn’t matter if you were the kind of girl that wore hats with faux furry woodland creatures attached to them. If a guy thinks you’re cute/hot he’ll pursue you no matter what.

So we hope this helps a little. Good luck. And leave us a comment and get us up to date. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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___________________________________

Dear Guys,

So my boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year now. We love each other and we both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. But our families don’t believe that our relationship will hang on through college. I’m going to college to be a teacher after my senior year next year, but he’s going to college to be a doctor next year. We probably won’t get into the same college, so I’m afraid that being in different schools for so many years will be really hard.

Do you have any advice for us?

Grace

Dear Grace,

Thanks for your question.

Your family members are offering their opinions based on percentages, not necessarily because they don’t approve of your relationship. The fact is, most high school relationships don’t last. That doesn’t mean they can’t, it’s just that most people don’t marry their high school sweetheart. Why? Because it’s difficult two keep two people focused, committed, and on the same page, as they traverse through life and gain new experiences. But it’s not impossible.

The first step is commitment. Both you and your boyfriend need to be completely committed to one another. Being at the same school, or in the same town, makes it relatively easy. You see each other every day and you’re constantly affirming your love for each other. But when one person moves away it’s sometimes easy to forget what a great thing you left behind, especially when life is full of interesting new distractions: intense studies, new friends, and beautiful co-eds. These kinds of distractions can easily disrupt even the most seasoned person’s focus and commitment. But for a young person, living on their own for the first time, it’s even more difficult.

So Grace, here are some suggestions to help you keep the connection strong while the two of you are at different colleges. These are not set in stone because life doesn’t always follow a straight and narrow path, but these will help you cover a few important bases.

First: You need to have a discussion BEFORE he leaves on how, and how often, the two of you will communicate. Will it be by phone? By text? Email? IM? And, will you “talk” every day, every other day, once a week? And for how long? And at what times of the day? If the two of you are at different colleges that means your schedules will no longer be in sync. So when will you talk? There will be many times when one of you will be busy with some project or social commitment, etc. How will you handle that? How will the two of you compromise and work this out?

Second: You need to talk about how often you’ll visit. Who will visit whom? Will you alternate visits? And who will pay for plane flights, etc.? You might think this is too basic to even discuss but from our experience the minutia matters. It’s better to discuss something ad nauseum, than be dealt with some surprise you’re not prepared for.

Third: You both need to express your commitment and love for each other often. You won’t be able to rely on touch or proximity when communicating how you feel about one another. So you’ll be forced to communicate verbally or by words on a screen. It won’t be the time to hold back. Be expressive. In order for both of you to feel secure, you both need reassure one another daily about your commitment.

Finally: It’s all about trust Grace. Distance is good at boring holes in the foundation of a relationship. It can cause even the most caring of partners to wonder what’s really going on? But if the two of you work on the relationship daily, and pay attention to how you communicate, the distance shouldn’t crumble your foundation.

We certainly hope this works out for both of you. Sure, life is full of distractions, but if the two of you really love and trust one another, it is possible to make it work.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And give us some love on Twitter. Thanks! @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

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_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I met this guy on an online dating site six months ago. We started dating but it didn’t last very long—about a month or so. We had a lot in common and a very strong physical attraction to one another but were having trouble communicating. (I’m extroverted and feel comfortable talking openly about my feelings and he’s introverted and never wants to talk about how he feels.) So he decided that we should stop seeing each other and that we needed to transition into a platonic friendship. He kept making it clear that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend because he cared about me a lot. I told him I needed space from him before I could start a normal friendship.

After just a week he emailed me saying he missed me and that he hoped I was doing okay. We started working on our friendship after that and decided to try hanging out as friends about a week later. We ended up in bed. We never talked about what happened.

Since then we have basically acted like a couple. We see each other regularly and text every day. I’m the first person he calls when he needs to talk or when something good happens that he’s excited about. He’s been there for me through some really tough times as well. When we go out for drinks or to the movies he always insists on paying. He introduced me to his entire family. When we part ways he always kisses me—on the lips if we’re in private and on the cheek when we’re in public. (We’re both not really into PDA.) When we sleep together it feels intimate. There’s a lot of kissing and cuddling afterwards, and he always asks me to sleep over. We’re basically each other’s best friend at this point and it really feels like we’re in a relationship. I don’t know what to call this though. I’m not sure if he has feelings for me or not. I know I have feelings for him. I want to bring up the possibility of us being “officially” together but I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not. The reasons why we didn’t work the first time no longer apply since we have gotten to know each other so much better since then and we communicate better.

I guess my primary questions are: is this typical FWB behavior, or does me like me? Do you think it’s safe to bring up being officially together?

Thanks!!

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for your question.

No this isn’t typical “friends with benefits” behavior, at least not from our experience. But each arrangement is different depending on how the two people set it up. Some people hang out a lot as friends and only have sex occasionally, maybe after a party where they’ve had a little too much to drink, or something similar to that. Some people might have a regularly scheduled night where they watch a favorite TV show together, get take out food and then do their thang. The variations are endless.

But your situation illustrates the inherent problem with a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Blurring the lines between friendship and intimacy often creates confusion—and we’d say more so for women. Men seem to be able to compartmentalize the physical and emotional more easily. For men these two realms are separate, and one does not necessarily impact the other. But for many women they are often deeply connected. It seems this is true for you.

So the question is, whether or not this is true for him.

From our vantage point it seems like he’s into you. He’s certainly acting like you are his girlfriend by paying for your evenings out, introducing you to his family, and engaging in more intimate gestures—cuddling, kissing—not always associated with FWB. But the only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it. So yes, it’s safe to bring up the topic, but that’s no guarantee you’ll get the answer you’re hoping for. But at least you’ll get some answer. We think it’s always better to know, rather than to wonder.

We know you’re worried that it might be too soon and that you’ll possibly scare him off. But here’s the thing Jenny. Guys usually know right away whether they want to be with a woman. Sure, your situation is slightly different since you were having communication issues early on, but guys certainly know right away if they’re physically attracted to a woman, which without, there is no relationship for a guy. So what that means is, more time together isn’t going to make him more into you than he already is. Trust us, he already knows how he feels, even if he “hems and haws” when you talk. And our rule of thumb is simple when it comes to having “the talk.” If you’re having intimate physical relations it’s not too early to talk about, and define, the relationship.

So we say go for it. And we very much hope it works out for you. (For both of you) But if he says he wants to keep it the way it is—a “friends with benefits” arrangement—at least you’ll have all the information you need to decide how you want to proceed.

We hope this helps. Please keep us posted. (Leave us a comment and we’ll respond back in the comments section.)

Please let your friends know about us. Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

And good luck,

THE GUYS

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

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__________________________

Dear Guys,

I met the most wonderful man (over 40 and a bachelor) last August. Prior to our relationship he had been in only one long term relationship (14 months), in which he was engaged for about 3 months before he abruptly ended it and blamed her for not being over her ex-husband. This relationship ended two years prior to our meeting.

Just three dates into our relationship he told me he didn’t feel he could proceed if I was not open to getting married. Having such a strong connection early on, I expressed that I would be open to marriage. In the following months, he has talked about getting engaged, living together, and getting married. To the extent that when he joined a country club recently he told me he was putting me down as his wife. I have met all of his friends, his parents, and his siblings. He does not hide me, and even talked about me and our future plans in his Christmas letter for his friends, family and clients. Although, five months is pretty fast, it has felt nothing more than natural.

Then, three weeks ago, I noted he was still friends with his ex-fiance on Facebook and I asked him to remove her. I had a cheating spouse and although I feel these are my trust issues, I trusted this man beyond the confines of Facebook. He said he would but then two weeks later she was still there and when approached he said he would not remove her as her family were his friends and clients and he did not want to ‘upset the apple cart’ for what he calls a non-issue. In the meantime, he gets upset with me and blames me for not trusting him, then in a turn tells me that my kids disrespect me too much—they are 13 & 17—and he can’t live in that type of household. And does not feel he wants to enter into any kind of financial contract with me but he still wants us to move forward and not end our relationship.

Now, I am confused. In my many attempts to talk to him, I get put off, told we live too far away (45 min) from each other and he won’t be able to spend as much time with me anymore as his workload has been increasing. So, I am still confused, bewildered, and feel he is pushing me away. However, instead of wanting to talk about all of this, he tells me he loves me and cares for me deeply. But he tells me he is unsure of how to proceed. He then tells me he needs time to think about everything and that he is not in the same place in our relationship as I am and he doesn’t feel he is ready for marriage or co-habitation. OH… HELLO… he has been the one all along who has been talking of this.

Yes, I am certainly ready to marry him, as up until now I could honestly say I had met the man of my dreams, my soul mate. Sure, I felt we were ready to continue to move forward but now I am just confused. I am giving him the time and space for him to think about what he wants, told him to take his time to really make the best choice for him.

I am heart broken to say the least, after my divorce three years ago (married 17 years) I thought I would never open my heart up again to this magnitude. I feel lost and helpless.

Should I wait it out? Does he just have cold feet? Am I wrong to think that he has kept his ex his friend because he wants to keep a door open to a possible reconcilliation? What am I missing?

Thanks in advance for your point of view!

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling heartbroken. Hopefully we can shed some light on your situation.

Meeting someone in your early twenties is so simple isn’t it? Typically, you meet, you fall in love, you get married, you buy a house, and you have kids. But beginning a relationship in your 40s is a whole different ballgame. Those extra twenty years are full of life experiences. Some people might call this baggage, but we feel that often has a negative connotation associated with it. We like to say people have just matured and seasoned a bit, as the two of you have.

And it’s that seasoning that has thrown this guy off. He’s finally opened his eyes and realized that if he wants to be with you he needs to accept and welcome the entire package, and that’s what he’s struggling with right now. But from our point of view, you seem like an easy person to be with. You’re open to dialogue, you want to understand your partner and you want to work through issues. Those are some of the important ingredients to having a successful marriage/partnership. If he doesn’t see that, or frankly, thinks he’s going to find a “perfect” situation where he doesn’t have to deal with any issues at all, he’s sorely mistaken. He only needs to look at his own situation to realize that no one is a blank slate, and what makes people interesting—and probably why he fell for you—is who they’ve become based on their life experiences.

As far as his ex-wife on Facebook, well, that is a non-issue. Sure, he shouldn’t have told you he was going to remove her when he really didn’t want to, but we don’t see a problem with it. Typically, people who divorce don’t reunite with their ex. And really, there’s no reason he can’t be friends with her, or remain connected with some of their mutual friends. Just because he didn’t want to be in a marriage with her doesn’t mean he should throw away all the other connections he made while he was married to her. And the fact that he has an amicable relationship with his ex also shows he’s not a bitter and angry person, and one to hold grudges. That bodes well for your relationship if it works out.

We can see why you’d be confused by his behavior though—his backpedaling especially—but from a guy’s perspective it’s pretty typical. Here’s what guys do when they meet someone they’re attracted to.

Stage 1. Pursue, pursue. (They just have to be with this woman)

Stage 2. They finally attain what they were pursuing and it’s bliss. (For a while at least.)

Stage 3. They start thinking she might be the one. (Yes, guys do that too) They’re still in the fantasy world.

Stage 4. Reality sets in. They think, “I’ll never be able to have sex with anyone else. Hmm…Do I want to be with her forever? She might be great in bed but I there’s this other thing.” (Fill in the blank for what that ‘other thing’ might be) And finally he’s thinking about the hot “redheaded bartender” and the “girl at the supermarket” and his “c0-worker” etc. The reality stage is a big deal for guys.

Stage 5. Bolt or commit. (This is the fork in the road. Many guys bolt here, and some guys decide to proceed forward, although still scared.)

Getting from Stage 1 to Stage 5 can take two weeks or two years. (Those are random numbers to illustrate a point. Each guy is different.)

You are currently at Stage 5. And you are waiting patiently. Good for you.

So to answer your questions(Our opinions):

Yes he’s having cold feet.

And yes, you should wait it out. (For a bit.)

No, he’s not looking to get back with his ex.

Yes, at some point you need to talk all of these issues through. He might be the ‘man of your dreams’ but if he refuses to open up and talk about everything, the relationship will probably never transition from the dream world to the real one.

Good luck and hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

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Long distance false start: Can I get it going again?

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Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

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Readers: Scroll to bottom of post for more questions about Long Distance Relationships.

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Hi Guys,

I met an amazing man on a vacation last March. He was very clearly smitten with me. And although we live far away from each other, he seemed really interested in pursuing a relationship following the vacation. We texted and called each other several times a day for several weeks following the trip and talked about future trips we’d like to plan together.

At first it was platonic, because I had not yet ended my long term, yet failing relationship, back home. But, when I felt myself really falling for this new guy, I felt both elated and guilty. I felt sure I’d met a man I could spend the rest of my life with. He was kind and inclusive and interested and shared deep feelings with me. He talked about what life would be like if we were in it for the long term. Mutual friends from the vacation felt sure that I could have him if I wanted him. But, I also wanted to be honorable and kind to my old boyfriend and settle things with him before moving into something new. When I was honest about this, the new guy was at first very understanding, but as I took a few weeks to settle with my ex, my new guy became discouraged and decided we should just be friends, and he opted to date someone local instead.

A mutual friend says that new guy was incredibly into me, but he couldn’t see it working because I was still involved with my ex and then he talked himself out of it due to the long-distance. About a month later, new guy contacted me again and told me that he wasn’t that into his new girl. He said he felt comfortable with her, but that she wasn’t very exciting and staying with her might be like settling. Perhaps he was feeling out my situation. He invited me to travel with him. I was not available to travel at the time but I told him how happy I was to hear from him. But, I’ve hardly heard from him since.

He’s still with the other girl. What happened? Has he decided to just settle with her? Has their relationship grown close? What now? Do I contact him to declare my feelings? Do I just try to occasionally communicate as friends and hope that he’ll take the initiative again some day? Do I cut him off entirely so I don’t feel tortured anymore? The problem is that I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life. My feelings were so strong for him and his for me during those first few weeks. So strong that I can’t get him out of my mind and I don’t want to forget about him. What should I do?

Mia

Dear Mia,

Thanks for your question.

It seems to us that this guy’s uncertainty stems from your situation with your ex-boyfriend, not because he’s not into you. And while we very much respect how you handled breaking up with your ex it’s now time to reach out to this new guy. If you really like him as much as you say you do why are you making him work so hard? And when he contacted you again, why wouldn’t you offer him some other possibility to get together even if you couldn’t travel at the time? Now what is he supposed to think? So the ball is clearly in your court. You’ve got to be the one to take the initiative.

Remember Mia, the nature of this situation is very tenuous. You met on vacation. And as you know vacations always have an element of fantasy to them. Not only do you travel to a new place, but in some ways you travel away from yourself. Often when you meet someone in that setting it can get intense quickly. But when people return to their daily lives that’s when doubts and insecurities can start developing. (They did for him) So yes, he might have been understanding at first, and probably respected you for being honorable with your boyfriend, but a man can only take so much, especially if he’s only known you for a week. And so we imagine he started questioning himself. “Do I really know this woman? What am I doing? Was this something I just made up in my head? Maybe she’s not as into me as I’m into her?”

But you ask, “Why is he dating this other girl?” Unfortunately it’s for comfort, which isn’t great for her. But this guy has convinced himself that the situation with you–the girl of his dreams possibly—isn’t going to work, so he’s seeking solace in another woman’s arms or bed. And while we don’t condone taking advantage of another woman we completely understand why he’s doing it. And probably there’s an element of ‘well she did it so I’m going to as well’ going on.

So to answer your question, yes, you can get this going again. But the ball is in your court. And frankly what do you have to lose by telling him how you feel? Life is full of risks, but putting your heart on the line for love seems well worth it. If it doesn’t work out at least you’ll have no regrets. And if it does, well you know better than we do how that will feel.

Be strong and just go for it.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

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Dear Guys,

So I met this guy and thought he was attractive, but he was dating someone at the time. We became friends and he eventually ended up dumping the girl he was seeing. A few days later, after having a little too much to drink, we ended up sleeping together. I wasn’t really expecting it to go anywhere then but it’s been over a year and we’re still ‘hooking up’ exclusively. I feel like we have a good thing going but I still kind of want an actual relationship. I’ve asked him about it and he says that he loves me but after what he went through with his ex, he can no longer trust anyone and doesn’t think he’ll ever fall IN love again.

Is there anything I could maybe do to try and show him that not every person he gets involved with will hurt him and maybe change his mind?

Hopelessly Hopeful

Dear Hopelessly Hopeful,

Thanks for your question.

Maybe your guy was hurt in his previous relationship, and maybe he’s still working through some things, but he’s also milking it for all it’s worth. And speaking of milk, what’s the saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” At this point you’re in a “friends with benefits/booty call” relationship for which he has no incentive to change a thing.

And that’s one of the difficult aspects of this kind of arrangement. Once a FWB arrangement is established—even if it is exclusive—it’s very difficult to transition to a “real relationship.” But if you really want a committed relationship with this guy then you need to talk to him openly and tell him exactly what you want. Tell him how you feel and try to reassure him that his heart is safe with you. But remember, you also deserve to have someone you can trust with your heart. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you beyond the bedroom. If you don’t see this situation moving in the right direction you might need to ask yourself a hard question. “Is this man, really the man I think he is?”

We hope this works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

I cheated on my “Friends with Benefits” guy and now he hates me

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more?

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

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Dear Guys,

HELP! I dated my FWB (Friends with Benefits) for eight months. He treated me badly. Forgot my birthday. Gave back the Xmas gifts I bought him because he said he didn’t like them. Screamed at me on Xmas because his car broke down. And more.

He used to be a gentleman but it changed over time. I now pay for our dinner dates. I’ve helped him with his paperwork at his job so he could meet deadlines. I was over supportive. After eight months I asked him if we could be together (labeled girlfriend) and he said he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend because he was too busy working three jobs.

I got fed up, and slept with another guy, took a pic of the guy in my bed and texted it to my FWB, and told him to F off. I guess it was eight months of pent-up frustration after tolerating disrespect and constant put downs. He told me he didn’t love me, acted like he didn’t care if I dated other men. (All I ever wanted was him.) I told him to block my number if he didn’t like the texts I was sending. I went off on a rant, but he wouldn’t block me. He told me I ruined anything that we could of possibly had.

My question? What did I ruin? He never wanted a relationship, and if we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, I didn’t technically cheat on him. He’s been stringing me along and I guess he didn’t see this coming. I gave him everything. I feel so unappreciated and degraded, but I take full responsibility because I enabled his behavior. Now after he saw the text, he said bye and that he didn’t care anymore, and that he’s done trying; then I said goodbye too.

An hour later he rings my phone but I let it go to voicemail. Later on the same day he texts and asks me to schedule an eye doctor appointment so he can get glasses. (I work at Optometrist office, and in the past I scheduled and went to the eye doctor with him.) This time I ignored his text. The next day I got another text from him asking me to schedule an eye doctor appointment for him. Again, I ignored it. If we are broken up, then all contact should be severed. The following day, instead of texting he IMs
me on Google and asks the same question and I ignored that as well.

He didn’t contact me anymore after that. I miss him terribly, but I know I deserve better. I would just want to know what could possibly be going through his mind? Now that I am gone and standing my ground—which I have never done with him in the past because I have spoiled him rotten—do you think he is finally starting to realize how he mistreated me throughout the relationship? Please help, I am heartbroken, but determined to move forward. It was childish of me to send that pic to him, but I reached the end of my rope. I wasted eight months being strung along while he enjoyed the benefits. He treated me very badly…

Chanel

Dear Chanel,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so down right now. Hopefully as you have some space and time to take a look at your relationship the pain will lessen.

We’re not going to give you a hard time about your actions. You know it wasn’t the best idea to send him that text, although it probably felt good at the time. (And we totally get why you’d want to send it.) But the problem is there’s nowhere to go from there. You’re basically acknowledging the relationship is over. And in addition, when you do something like that it tends to shift the spotlight on you rather than on his poor behavior over the course of your relationship. In some ways it lets him off the hook.

But you didn’t cheat on him. At least technically. Because you’re right, there’s typically no commitment in a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement unless exclusivity was discussed ahead of time. And frankly by the way he acted all throughout your time together we don’t see that you owed him anything.

Here’s the problem with a FWB arrangement. It always seems like such a good idea at the onset. But when guys propose a FWB relationship they mean just that: casual sex with no strings attached. When women agree to this type of arrangement, often they are hoping something more might develop. And this illustrates a striking difference between men and women. Men are able to separate the physical from the emotional more easily than women, so a FWB relationship can work for them. (Although we’d like to qualify that by saying, men also suffer from this type of situation. Any self-respecting man understands he’s hurting the woman he’s having sex with even if he tries to ignore that nagging feeling. It’s not good for his soul or his karma.)

It’s very natural for you to miss him even if he treated you badly, which he did. We’re sure he must have some positive qualities otherwise you wouldn’t have lasted eight months; but from what you describe he’s got a lot of work to do on himself. And ultimately you’re right; you deserve much better. Acknowledging this is a step in the right direction.

So why is he contacting still? You’re familiar to him. And convenient. Sure, maybe he’s feeling some regret and remorse but more likely he believes he still holds some power over you and thus can contact you to help him. It doesn’t make a lot of sense maybe, but to us his actions after the two of you “broke up” illustrate even more clearly why you need to move on. A guy who’s able to flip a switch like that and transition so easily into survival mode isn’t a guy who is going to meet your emotional needs.

Our advice: Don’t get sucked back into his den. Be strong. Learn from your mistakes and apply that new knowledge to your next relationship. And don’t settle. That means, no more FWB arrangements. They don’t work.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us in person, and on Twitter. Thanks! @TGPBuzz

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Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Are we “friends with benefits” or does he want something more?

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

The Ex Files; friends with benefits?

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

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Alright Guys,

It’s been over a year since my ex and I broke up. We had a really strong connection but things only lasted for a month. In that month he told me he loved me and eventually I did too. I lost my virginity to him, so pretty much everything just moved way too fast. I broke up with him because I found out my grandma was dying from cancer and I was just a wreck. For some reason, I acted crazy. I admit that I pissed him off a lot.

Since the break up we have gone through many stages. (Cycle) He’d be mean. I’d ignore him. He’d text or call. I’d finally talk to him. We’d hook up again. Then he’d get a girlfriend. I’d get confused. He’d break up with her. I’d ignore him. Then we’d talk to clear the air some more. We’d fool around a little, etc. I’d get more confused.

Finally after this went on for a while he asked if we could be “F… Buddies.” I told him I had to think about it, but I knew deep inside that I loved the idea. He was the only guy I have ever been comfortable with physically and emotionally. Sure I’ve slept with a few guys since the break up but nothing ever felt right. I was joking and told him, “If we do this you can’t fall in love with me.” And he said, “Remember we tried that already and it didnt work?”

A week went by and he texted me and we decided to hook up. It was the best sex I’ve ever had. We didn’t talk for a while and then we saw each other at the club that we met at. This is where I got completely confused. He was all over me. (He would normally never do that in public.) He was holding my hand and constantly hugging me. Every time I would go to the bathroom he would kiss me; he had his arms wrapped around me constantly, and he wasnt trying to be sneaky. AHHHH I dont know what that means!? Being “friends with benefits” usually means emotionless sex and I just feel like he was being way too affectionate.

He is the most confusing man in the world. He asks to be my “F… buddy” but he’s only really attempted to contact me about hooking up once; he doesnt make any effort. So I need help; should I end this? Does he still have feelings for me? And why does it seem like he’s the only one who gets me? Is he just lonely?

Pleaseeee help, this has been going on for a year and I’m going crazy!

Ella

Dear Ella,

Thanks for your question, or rather questions. We’ll try to help you sort this out.

Based on many of your statements you seem to have conflicting feelings swirling inside you. On the one hand you say you want emotionless sex, but on the other hand you seem like you really want to have a deeper connection with this guy—you say ‘he’s the only one who gets you.’ So which is it? “Friends with Benefits” or deeper relationship? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Be honest. If he came to you and said, “Ella, I love you, and I’ll do anything to show you how much, let’s give a real relationship a try” what would you do? Would you be excited? Would you run for the hills? Which? Those answers should determine your course of action here.

Having said all that we doubt he’s going to come to you and say anything remotely romantic. In fact it doesn’t seem like this guy is ready to get serious about anything. He’s too busy trying to keep you off-balance, and frankly he’s doing a damn good job at it. If you really want to be involved with him on any level, be prepared to be confused and frustrated.

Also keep in mind Ella that this guy was your “first.” There’s always something extra special, or certainly extra memorable, about any first. First kiss. First Crush. First Love. First Sexual Encounter. Those memories stay with us forever and they impact all of our seconds, thirds, and fourths. But don’t kid yourself and think he’ll be the only guy you will ever have amazing sexual chemistry with. In fact we would contend that with an actual emotional connection added to the mix, you might even have a more intense physical connection with someone new.

Lastly, if you’re agreeing to have a “friends with benefits” relationship with this guy in hopes that he will eventually come around we think you should rethink that course of action. That’s a recipe for a broken heart.

There’s lots to think about Ella. The biggest question should be about what you want, not what he’s thinking. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. Readers, please jump in and give your opinions.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Are we “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) or does he want something more?

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

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Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Showing too much love to my sister

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Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading this as I really could do with a male perspective. I’m a little confused!

Beginning of December I met this guy when I was out one night. He’s a friend of my sister’s. I said hi and carried on with my night. But then out of nowhere he just pounces on me and pretty much snogs my face off. Okay, we were both drunk so I didn’t think much of it. That same night he comes back to my place and we stay up talking, hugging, and kissing but no sex.

Anyway so we start seeing each other twice a week, and eventually get down and dirty. All is good. After the first week of “seeing” him he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious as he’s just come out of a relationship and is still hurt. Fair enough, but I’m surprised at his honesty so early on. Three weeks later, he’s at my place and we are chatting and he tells me that he has realized that he is over his ex. I say that I’m pleased for him—cause he was hurt about it—and leave it at that.

So, last Friday I was invited to stay at his place. We stayed up all night talking etc He was asking a lot about my previous relationships and generally a lot of personal questions. At one point we were giving each other a lot of banter and I said something like, “You wanna get the Hoover in here sometime!” (Note to readers: THE GUYS think she means a vacuum cleaner.) He said that was a job for me. To which I replied, “That’s not the job of a weekend (Blank-another word for having sex).” So then his face dropped and he sat down really quietly and just looked at me. I asked him if he was okay, he said no I had pissed him right off! I asked what I’d said or done wrong. Apparently it was the weekend (blank) comment. I pointed out that that was what we did so I didn’t get his reaction at all. He then said, “Yeah I know but you obviously don’t realize that I do actually care about you.” I said, “Okay we’ll be friends with benefits then.” But then he said he didn’t like that term being used for us. So I just left it at that.

Next morning he gets a text saying his dad, sis and bro are coming round to his place. (His family is very close.) I say that I should probably head off then, but then he says there’s no need for me to go and that he’s sure they would like to meet me. So I stayed, met them—it seems that they were already aware of who I was—and went home a few hours later. Later that day he texts me and asks how I’m feeling and that his family really liked me.

So tell me…what is he thinking? What does he want? Does he want to go further but is maybe putting it off because of his ex-girlfriend? Any advice would be appreciated, especially as it’s from a male point of view!

Also just to add, I have a little boy who is 6, which he was already aware of as we knew each other before. He was very keen to meet him which I kept putting off until just recently. (He questioned me a lot about why I was doing that!) They get on well when he’s here.

Another point to add. When we first met he said he was hoping to go to America in May to work and was awaiting an interview. He got the job. He said to me the other night that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go anymore and maybe he would stay and get a proper job. Obviously this could be nothing to do with what what’s been going on between us but I thought it might help to paint a better picture.

Also, FYI, I am 29 and he is 25.

I can’t thank you enough for reading this and really look forward to your reply!!

Louise

Dear Louise,

Thanks for your question.

Any guy that encourages you to meet his family is likely interested in more than just a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement. And the fact that his family already seemed to know about you means he’s been telling them all about this great girl he’s been seeing.

Part of the confusion here is that this relationship started off at a bar, with drink in hand, and sex on the mind, instead of beginning on a more traditional path of, first date, second date, third date, etc. But the good news is you’ve still managed to arrive at a good place with mutual respect still in tact.

From where we stand he’s into you. But it’s likely he’s a little gun shy since he’s coming out of a broken relationship. But here are the telltale signs that he’s thinking seriously about you.

1. He says he genuinely cares about you.

2. He gets hurt when you label the relationship as “FWB.”

3. He wants you to meet his family.

4. He is accepting of your son.

5. He’s not sure he wants to go to America anymore. (And don’t kid yourself. This is definitely about you!)

So maybe the more pertinent question Louise is, what do you want? If he wants to be in a committed relationship with you are you open to that? Does the thought make you excited? Scared? It’s important for you to have this conversation with yourself and truly ask yourself how you feel about this man. Because not only will your answer impact you, it will also impact your son.

If you really want to take this to the next level you might need to be the one to initiate that conversation since he’s probably a bit shaken from his recent breakup. But from what we can tell, he seems like he’d be very open to talking about it.

Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask us a follow up question. (See comments below. We’ll respond here as well.)

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some other questions to check out:

He talks about having sex with my friends

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Military relationship: What do I do?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

I am confused about this guy; are we in a relationship?

We’re looking for Women Writers. Check out our “Women Speak” page for more details on how to submit your work. If you’re not a writer, let your writer friends know. (We’ll happily promote your blog, website, project, or book at the end of your piece.)

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

My son is throwing his life away on a woman with three kids

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

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Hi Guys!

First of all I’m 23 and my guy is 22. Let’s call him Alex. We met about 4-5 months ago. We have kissed, held hands, cuddled, etc. (No sex yet, though he really wants to do it.) I like him but his actions are somehow confusing.

Alex is usually nicer and more attentive over texts and/or Facebook messages. He texts me at least once per day—random stuff and at random times—and that’s the only time when we have conversations about our relationship.

I already said that he really, really wants to do ‘it’, but I’m not ready. I had a horrible experience with my last boyfriend and I haven’t dated or tried to be in a relationship with anyone since then. (More than 4 years now). However, Alex said that he is willing to wait until the time comes, which I find really sweet of him! He doesn’t know and never asked for the details of what happened between me and my last boyfriend either.

The problem I face sometimes is that when we are together he is usually the one talking and it is almost all the time about him. I barely say anything and when I do I don’t feel like he is actually that interested. He interrupts and says things completely off topic. He rarely asks about my life. I’m learning a lot about him, but he’s not learning much about me.

On occasion he mentions his previous girlfriends. He also talks about his really beautiful friends and/or the kind of women he finds attractive. (At really random times which doesn’t bother me as much, as in I don’t get angry, but it does worry me a bit.) And the other thing is, I don’t really know what are we. I would like to call us a couple, but so far he hasn’t introduced me as ‘his girlfriend’ and I have even met his father. (Which he did not introduce to me, but we talked anyways.) During the first time we tried to be more intimate I did ask him if he was serious and he said yes with no pauses, no signs of frustration, just a calm attitude. He also told me why he liked me. (I am his friend and also a pretty gal.)

Do I have any reason to worry? Or am I just being needy/jealous/ partially paranoid due to my past experiences? I know my own fears might be part of the problem, but I do like him and overall when we are together—even if we are just watching a movie—I am quite happy. But I want us to be closer in a more emotional/mental way as well as the physical.

Thank you very much for the help and I apologize in advance for the trouble.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question. This is no trouble at all. That’s what we’re here for.

We can understand why you’re feeling a bit unsure. We’ll try to address each of your concerns one at a time.

1. His interest in you

Sometimes young guys are clueless when it comes to asking questions and engaging in an actual conversation. They can get so wrapped up in their own world that they forget that they’re not necessarily the most fascinating creatures on the planet. We’re sure you don’t find everything he says to be that interesting, and you probably don’t care about half the topics, but you do care about him enough to try to listen and support him when he’s telling you about his life and his interests. This might come naturally to you, but clearly it doesn’t come naturally to him. So you need to gently interject things about you, and steer the topic toward some of the things you want to talk about. If he starts losing attention, or starts to digress or go off-topic, you need to point this out to him nicely. He probably has no idea he’s doing this. (At least we hope he has no idea.)

2. Sex

There are two relationship stages for guys. Before sex, and after sex. The before sex stage is the fantasy stage. The hunt. A guy will sometimes be extra nice and extra attentive in this stage; not because he’s being manipulative—although that’s possible—but because his hormones are raging out of control. Picture a balloon that’s been blown up until it can’t hold any more air; and then picture it as it’s released into the air. This is how a guy feels when he’s pursuing a woman he’s interested in. This stage could also account for why your guy is nicer to you via text rather than in person. Texting and Facebook messaging fall into the fantasy realm believe it or not. It’s all about being more interested in the chase rather than the actual prize.

After a guy finally manages to have sex with the woman he is pursuing, the haze lifts from his mind and he can finally see clearly for the first time. This is when many women write to us and wonder what happened. They say, “Everything was wonderful until we spent the weekend together. The sex was great, but now he’s distant and he hardly texts me, and he takes forever to get back to me.”

It’s at this stage where a guy will assess and try to understand why he’s feeling differently all of a sudden. Some guys are intuitive enough to understand what’s happening, but many guys—especially younger guys—are so confused that they bail. We can’t say where your guy fits in this equation, but certainly you’ll know much more about his state of mind if/when you have sex.

(However, we are in NO WAY suggesting that you do anything you’re not completely comfortable with. We’re just explaining what’s likely going on for him. No woman, or man for that matter, should have sex with anyone unless they feel it’s the right thing for them.)

3. What are you? A couple?

This is important to figure out before you proceed with your “relationship.” If he’s not introducing you to people as his girlfriend he likely doesn’t see you that way. And this is our biggest concern. Guys generally want to tell EVERYONE about their amazing new girl. Sure, not every guy is like that, but certainly if this guy was serious about you he’d want to let his friends and family know. But to be fair, maybe he’s unsure about where you stand? Have you talked about this at all?

The thing is Sara, without actually talking about this stuff you’re not really going to know where you stand. And maybe this is okay with you for right now, since you’re a bit unsure about him anyway.

4. Our Advice

We suggest you start with trying to get more dialogue and two-way conversations going with him. If he’s receptive to that, maybe he’ll then be receptive to discussing what is actually going on with the two of you. And after that, then you can decide if you want to proceed forward with other aspects of your relationship. (Physical intimacy, etc.)

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance?

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Is he interested in friendship or something more?

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Dear Guys,

I’ve known this guy for a couple of years. Two years ago he broke up with his girlfriend of five years. (The decision was mutual). One month after the breakup I was the first girl he went on a date with. I knew it was too soon for him but he didn’t say it; I just had a feeling that proved to be right. We “lasted” for two weeks. He couldn’t do it anymore and ended it. Since then, he’s tried to date other women, but couldn’t start an emotional relationship with anyone.

We used to bump into each other every now and then. It was friendly but a bit awkward. He kept sending me mixed messages—you know the drill—and every time he saw mutual friends he asked them about me first. However, every time I tried to initiate a get-together with a friend or a group of friends he would politely decline.

The turning point happened last summer. We started seeing each other more often. First, we saw each other once a week. Then twice. Then three, even four times a week. He is the one who initiates it almost every time. (I might have participated with 10%). Sometimes we’re in a group of friends, sometimes we’re alone. There are, of course, mixed messages still coming from him. (Constantly complimenting me, showing moderate jealousy, staring at me, bumping me etc.), But mostly I ignore it.

To be honest, I really like him as a person and I’ve never had such good time with anyone. When I told him that, he admitted that he felt the same. He’s pretty anti-social and doesn’t get close to people, but we started sharing secrets, having internal jokes, and grew very close to the point of people asking us if we were a couple etc. It is very unusual for him to behave like that with anyone, be it a male or a female. We even said “I love you” to each other. He is very caring towards me, and called me his “soft spot” not long ago.
He initiated a “what-went-wrong” conversation a couple of times, and every time we would come to the same conclusion—it’s not me or any other woman, for that matter—it’s him.

A couple of months ago, he suggested we became friends with benefits, which I sharply declined. He agreed it would be a bad solution for the both of us because it would screw him up too, but that he obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship either. We’ve never talked about that since. We spend more time with each other than we do with anyone. Sometimes, I feel like I’m in a relationship with him but I know I’m not. We don’t have any physical contact, except for back/shoulder touching, occasional arm intertwining and kisses on the cheek.

I flirt with other men and I do have a life besides him. (And I believe the same goes for him.) But we don’t talk about other men/women, nor do we flirt with anyone when we’re together.

I know you guys aren’t mind-readers, but I’d like to know what do you think of the whole situation. What am I to him?

Thank you!

Myrtle

Dear Myrtle,

Thanks for your question. You’re right, we’re not mind readers but this scenario is familiar to us.

Our sense is he wants very much to be in love with you. So many pieces of a successful relationship are present. Trust. Mutual respect. Fun. Laughs. Comfort. On paper the two of you should be together, which is part of the reason all of your friends wonder aloud what’s going on, and why you are so confused about the situation. But the problem is, love is not a spreadsheet of pros and cons. There’s always that other piece. The X factor. The “I don’t know why I love her but I do” factor. Or on the flip side. The “I don’t know what’s wrong with me because she’s perfect” factor.

And the “latter” is what we suspect is going on for him, which accounts for all the mixed-messages you are getting from him. He can’t seem to figure out why he isn’t jumping into a relationship with you; but something is holding him back. Sure, it could be his own inability to connect with someone emotionally. (But we have to assume he was connected to his ex in that way.) It could be too soon after his breakup with his ex. (Some people take longer to rebound.) But it’s more likely that some piece is missing for him that he can’t quite seem to put his finger on.

So our gut tells us you are a great friend to him and that’s where it’s likely to stay. So now you have to ask yourself if you’re okay with this? Because if you’re hanging out with him hoping something is going to change we think you’re going to be frustrated. Just the fact that he suggested a FWB (Friends with Benefits) arrangement tells us the two of you are on different pages here.

We’re glad you’re keeping your other options open and are interested in other men as well. We’d hate for you to spend so much emotionally energy and time on this guy and then have it implode when he starts to date other women. So keep yourself out there, have some fun, and treat this guy as just a friend. Who knows, maybe he’ll be someone that could provide you with some insights into some of the new men in your life. We highly recommend having friends of the opposite sex. (Strictly friends, not FWB)

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment and/or a follow question. We’ll respond here as well. (And if something huge changes, let us know. We’d love to know we were wrong.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance?

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

My guy left the country and I’m confused about break up

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance?

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

___________________________

Dear Guys,

Earlier this year I got very badly heartbroken when I broke up with a guy who told me he loved me, but then showed me that he didn’t actually know me at all and didn’t care who I was and what I liked—almost as if he was reading a book on how to have a relationship and following the advice in the book without looking at me. Then I felt like I would never find anyone who is truly interested in me rather than the idea they have of me.

But then I met this guy from South America and we started dating. But now I am very confused about the relationship. He and I talked a lot about how we see life and love, and agreed on everything basic; we had wonderful discussions about other things as well— movies, music, etc And if we didn’t agree we had healthy debates. On top of that we did many things together that we both enjoyed and had a really great time, walking around the city for hours just talking til the early morning hours. I was very hesitant in the beginning to really give it a go due to my earlier experiences and at a certain point he told me about a really bad experience he had had, which he thought was holding him back from really getting into the kind of relationship he wanted. He wants to be able to open up and be completely into it with his heart and soul. He said he often does things that prevent this in order to not get hurt again. He also said that he felt we have a real connection and something true and that this doesn’t happen often to him. (Just twice so far.)

However then I did something stupid and told him about it in an even more stupid way—basically blurting it out in a conversation without thinking—that reminded him of his earlier bad experience. He believes me that I didn’t do it on purpose or to hurt him and that it’s not a big deal for anyone except for him but he lost his trust in me a bit and feels uncomfortable because he knows I can hurt him. He also knows that I won’t do this ever again but he needs time to let this bad feeling go.

Unfortunately we don’t have time. He will leave to another country in 2 months and we’ve just been dating for 2.5 months. Although he says we have a true connection he doesn’t want a long-distance-relationship even when I would be happy to follow him at a certain point if everything goes well. He said he wants “real things” in his life and doesn’t want to wait for things to happen anymore. It was hard and tearful and at the end I said that I wish him a happy life and he responded slightly upset that I shouldn’t be saying we wouldn’t see each other again. But I told him that if he leaves to another country it’s not likely we’ll see each other again and I need to forget him.

I really don’t know what to make out of all this. Don’t get me wrong, I know 2.5 months is not long to judge whether or not a relationship will work but I haven’t had a connection with someone like this in a long time and I know he feels the same way. And I would be up for giving the long distance a try nevertheless. (It’s just a 2 hour flight). But he won’t have any of that.

He also forgave me for the stupid thing I did and explained how he felt about it and that if he didn’t care for me he would have just turned his back. Everything he does when he is with me shows me that he really likes me and cares for me but then he says we don’t have a future…. “but I’m not saying ever, maybe in the future – just now we want different things in life.”
I am heartbroken at the moment and I know I have to go on but this whole relationship confused me so much and I don’t know if there is still a chance for us, as his actions and words are so contradictory. I feel this is not clear cut, not a real break-up; it feels unfinished and that drives me mad as I will never know what could have been….

Salome

Dear Salome,

Thank you for your question.

We’re sorry you’re going through a difficult time right now. But you can’t blame yourself entirely. You may have formed a great connection in the 2 1/2 months you were with this guy, but that’s still not enough time to really know who he is. People are complex, and if he’s been hurt before, it’s likely his “baggage” is what’s preventing this relationship from progressing.

It’s unfortunate that your relationship was tested so early on. Timing is always a huge factor in relationships, and it often determines whether or not a relationship will move from the dating stage, to the serious stage, to an actual long term commitment. In your situation—him leaving the country—the timing just isn’t there for you. For you, this doesn’t seem to be a deterrent, but for him it is. But it could also just be an easy way for him to make an exit.

This “mistake” you made—you didn’t mention it to us—might be playing a part in his trust issues, but honestly it doesn’t sound like what you did was so bad that he would throw in the towel because of it. Of course we’re sure it didn’t help, but it’s more likely it just added fuel to his existing insecurities and fears about relationships.

We wish we could give you a definitive answer here Salome. But unfortunately we can’t. He seems open to reuniting in the future, but who knows if and when that will happen. The best thing you can do is let yourself be sad for a bit, reflect on what you learned, pick yourself up, and move on.

You sound like a very caring person. There are plenty of guys out there who will be able to appreciate a woman like you.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

He speaks in facts, she in emotions: Studying abroad; should I break up or do long distance?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

_______________________________

Dear Guys,

I am 25 years old and my girlfriend is 24. We’ve been dating for exactly one year, though we had been friends for two years before that. She is my first serious girlfriend. Before her I had only flings. I love her very much and I’m sure she feels the same way. We see each other almost every day; we’re best friend and have complete physical intimacy. In this year we’ve been through some fights. Two of them were pretty serious and we almost broke up. The reasons for these fights were always very silly (for me) and I managed to convince her of that and avoid breaking up. We agreed that the reasons for all of our fights were lame compared to the love we feel for each other and made a pact for being more tolerant and reasonable. Since then we didn’t fight anymore and the relashionship is at its best.

I’m an engineering graduate and currently have an excelent job that pays me well. But the firm I work for is going to be sold in a couple of months and I will have to keep working for them for one more year. After that I will leave the company. I thought this was a good opportunity to accomplish one of my goals in life that is to get a good MBA degree. To do so I will have to go abroad for one year. I would love if she could come with me but she still has two years to complete college.

She overheard my conversation with a friend about my MBA plans and asked me if I intended to go abroad. I told her the truth: yes, I want to go but only in September 2013. That’s a year and a half from now, more than twice the duration of our relationship. I proposed to her that we keep dating during this period and break up only when I leave. From then on we live our lives separately and that includes meeting other people. My intention is to get back together when I come back from the MBA.

She, on the other hand, thinks differently. She said she prefers to break up right now even even though she would suffer a lot since she loves me very much. But when she overcomes the suffering she would be free to find another man and not “waste her time investing in a relationship destined to end.” She doesn’t think we will get back together when I come back nor that she could bear thinking of me dating other girls while I’m away.

I don’t want to break up right now mainly for three reasons:

- Living in the same city we would bump with each other all the time and know about each other’s lives, making it much harder to forget. If we wait until I go, the distance will make being apart easier.

- During the period that I’m still here we can have a great time together. We’re talking about one and a half years. Almost twice the time we’ve been together. The bond created in this period will be strong enough to survive the year apart. (I think)

- I think in my heart that we will get back together when I come back. (I know one year is a long time and I will gain lots of experience and may change my mind. And that’s what she’s afraid of.)

Well, I would be glad if you guys could help me out. Am I missing something? How can I convince her of staying together until I go?

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your question.

How do we say this nicely? Yes, you are missing something. Actually you’re missing everything on this one. And this is a classic example of the different ways men and women think.

You’re giving her facts and she wants emotions. She wants you to tell her that you love her so much that you’ll do anything to make it work, even if you have to go away for a year. She wants you to reassure her that nothing will come between the two of you, even if you’re far away. She wants you to be strong and tell her it’s all going to work out. (Sure, ultimately she doesn’t want you to go, but she might come around if you sang a different tune with her.)

But you’re not doing any of that. You’re treating the relationship like it’s a business. This is what she’s hearing from you: “In a year and a half, we’ll dissolve the company and split the earnings 50/50, and then maybe we’ll put the company back together when I get back.” So why would she want to stick around, knowing that in the near future the two of you will be breaking up? Women don’t work that way.

From your point of view, you see only benefits from having this sort of arrangement. And we understand. Having a wonderful woman to hang out with, go on dates with, and have sex with is a great thing. And when you combine that with a fulfilling career it’s a great combination. But once again, she doesn’t give a (blank) about any of that.

But having said all of this Thomas we do understand where you’re coming from. It seems like you might really love this woman but you just want to be 100% sure. And you don’t want to give up your career aspirations quite yet in order to have her. And guess what? We totally get it. You’re young, and it’s okay to put your needs first, and frankly you probably should, because if you’re feeling this strongly about pursuing school and furthering your career, you’ll probably be quite resentful later in life if your plans were to be derailed by this relationship. And the fact that she’s your first serious girlfriend makes us think you’d like to explore more in that department as well.

But it all comes down to timing doesn’t it? When people say “love conquers all” they are forgetting to factor in the all important “timing” variable. And this is what we’re seeing here. The timing is a bit off. But unfortunately Thomas you can’t have it both ways. She’s probably isn’t going to want to wait around while you figure this all out. (Although see below for the one caveat.) So you either need to stay with her, and see if you can give a long distance relationship a chance, or break up. (And please don’t make promises to do a long distance relationship but then break up with her just as you’re leaving. That would only perpetuate some women’s perceptions that guys are not to be trusted, which is not true.)

So Thomas, please stop treating this like a business decision and really start having some heartfelt conversations with the woman you love. And we’ll let you in on a little secret. (Our caveat) If you’re honest, and treat her with respect and love, even if you do break up now, and you go away for awhile, it’s likely if she’s still single, her heart will still be open to you. However, if you continue treating her like she’s a business partner you won’t ever have another chance with her.

We wish you the best in figuring all of this out. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And we’d love to hear what you think about all of this. And what you ultimately end up doing. Keep us posted. We’ll respond in the comments section as well.

(And readers: Please comment as well. We love a great discussion!)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

________________________

Dear Guys,

I’m 38, own a home, a successful business, and was married five years to an abusive man. It’s been six yrs now, I’ve moved and restarted a great life and am the happiest I’ve ever been. Over the years I see I’m drawn to attractive, adventurous, man-boys and have feared the men who want something more. The hot young ones boost my ego and have been “safe” as they usually don’t want much more then sex.

But I’ve done a lot to heal and recognize all this and now I want a more serious relationship. I had one the past two years but he left me eight months ago and I was very hurt but knew it was right and I deserved more and didn’t want to be with another big drinker who couldn’t control his habits.

A few months after the breakup I met a great 31 yr old guy. Hot, adventurous and interested. We gradually kept in touch over a few weeks and met up one evening at some hot springs and had a hot, amazing few nights together. Over the rest of the summer we’d spend a few nights a week together but I knew he would be leaving for six months in the fall. Mid-winter he was hurt and came back.

He has six weeks here and I allowed him to stay with me until he leaves again for two months, then he will be back for the summer for work. He talks about loving where we live and getting a permanent vs seasonal job. So we’re playing house mates, having a ton of sex and it’s been great. Then the fool used my computer in my house to communicate with his ex. I realized they talk often, every day or so and while he will be gone after leaving here he will be meeting up with her in Thailand. It’s definitely not just as friends, he’s clearly not over her. They’ve been broken up for two years and he told me it was hurtful. (He moved for her and it ended badly, etc.) He said he was going on his trip alone and I know he lied. We are getting to know each other, haven’t talked about anything with us and I did read him telling her he didn’t want anything serious with her. It was hard to read it all. And when I saw he forgot to log out of their very long instant message that he sent to her while I was at work, my heart sank.

I’m quite mature and really do get it. He’s having a great time with me and doesn’t want to blow it by telling me about her. We said goodbye in the fall, I was with someone else too, but now he’s back and he came to me. It’s clear he and his ex have stuff to work out and perhaps need closure or want another try at it.

My question is…what should I do? Run like Hell or give him time to figure out why they’re still connected and heal or see if they get back together and just keep dating myself? I just don’t want to be the fool, be used, be lied to, etc. The age difference is a factor and this situation proves it to me. He’s not mature enough to see that their disaster of a past will probably never work but they both are still locked together. They joke about other people but I see through that and doesn’t sounds like either has really moved on in the past two years. He’s super nice but does have a big ego and I’m sure is crushed inside that he failed at something, his first real love. They only dated a year but that can still be significant when it’s the only big experience.

Bottom line…give him a chance or not? I know he’s not prepared to tell me the truth about her (she lives across the country) and I know he wants to be here for work. He’s got his dream job and wants to stay. I know he wouldn’t leave for her and I think he actually said something to that degree in their giant message. (Can’t believe I read it. I felt badly but I’m so glad I did so I’m not completely in the dark about all of this. Nor did I tell him about the other person I spent time with.)

I actually realized after this time with someone else I really liked, that I liked him more and that’s why I invited him to stay with me. I was so curious about us having a chance to come back together so soon after thinking I wouldn’t see him for six months. My BFF thinks he really likes me, I told her the story about the ex thinking she’d tell me to end it immediately but she still thinks he’s worth having fun with and getting to know more. But it’s not her heart on the line…

Francine

Dear Francine,

Thanks for your question.

We happen to agree with your friend. You’re going to regret it if you don’t see this all the way through.

As you know, life is complicated and people come with baggage. Dating in your 20s is different than dating in your 30s, and so on, because as people age they acquire more and more baggage. But they also acquire more experience, and in turn are often more interesting.

It seems the two of you are both being a bit evasive. He’s still involved with his ex, and you are seeing other people. And neither of you knows about the other’s activities. (Okay, you do, but only because you did it without his knowledge.) We understand that you’re not really in an exclusive relationship, but in order to take this to the next level you both need to come clean about what you’re up to and honest about how you feel about the other person.

You’re right when you say, he still needs to find closure with his ex. Sometimes people go back and forth for years and years before they finally make the split. Many times it takes a new person to jumpstart this final parting. It sounds like you might actually be the person that will make him finally realize that he has a dysfunctional relationship with his ex. And that he actually could have the kind of relationship he really wants to have with you.

But the two of you need to really start talking to one another. You specifically need to let your guard down and tell him how you truly feel. Seeing other people is just a way of protecting yourself. It’s not fun to be vulnerable, but in order to see this through, you might have to let yourself be just that.

We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile (Also Part 2: Writing a profile description)

And more….

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

______________________________

Dear Guys,
Well I thought I would just sit on this for a few days but now I think I will ask for your advice.

So about three years ago I met a guy, and it turned out we had a lot of common friends and have some of the same interests. We are compatible on so many levels but on others we aren’t. We had a lot of attraction and finally we ended up hooking up. (We are both 29.)

It went on for a few months until he suddenly ended it. (I was moving away for work for four months and that was known to both parties.) He called me one day and said what we were doing wasn’t a good idea and that we should just be friends. I tried to act cool and moved away.

When I moved back I texted him and he called me and I never called him back. Then we ran into each at an event four months later. (This was eight months after we ended whatever we were doing.) It was clear we were still attracted to each other and started hooking up together again.

He kept asking me to hang out. I resisted and told him I didn’t want to date. HE wanted to date; he came over and said it right to my face. I told him i didnt want anything serious. He has never had a serious girlfriend and I think he might freak out and end it out of fear of getting too emotional. (He’s not experienced in the relationship department.) So I told him I just wanted to avoid it. But then he didn’t want to just hookup with NSA(No Strings Attached).

Over Christmas a friend of mine asked me about him. I told him we are just friends with a lot of sexual tension. I texted him that night and told him we have to go for dinner and catch up soon and that I missed him.

We have remained friends, just a few texts here and there. If we end up at the same place we chat, catch up and leave it at that. But there is always an awkward goodbye. So it went from him ending it to me ending it. I have tried to keep it NSA with him and I actually would like a relationship like this with him. He is a player and I know that completely. When he wanted to date me this summer, I told him he really hurt me the first time he ended it with me, the summer before.

We both lead crazy busy lives, and to be honest I’m not looking for a intense relationship right now. I don’t hookup with random guys so in my mind he’s ideal to have a defined NSA with. Is this even possible?

This weekend he texted me after a hockey game, telling me to come out with his friends. (The typical “we are friends come hang out text.”) I told him to have fun and be safe. He then said you should pick me up. I said, no I shouldn’t. I think he was really surprised, and he said please come get me. I asked if he was stranded or was speaking code. It was the latter.

I know we will be at the same event in the next month. When we are in the same room together it’s unspoken that we will be together later. I have never been in something like this before. I don’t understand it. It feels like total dysfunction, but I keep feeling drawn to him and missing him. I usually just ignore my feelings but the chemistry is like nothing I have ever had.

If I do contact him when and what should I say? I just feel like we are always on different pages. I want the same page. How do I get there?

Dealing with Crazy Guys

Dear Dealing with Crazy Guys,

Thanks for your question.

On the one hand you say you just want a NSA relationship with him, and on the other hand you say are drawn to him, miss him, and have chemistry with him that you haven’t ever had before. So which is it?

It seems that you’re really into this guy, but you’re scared he might hurt you again and that’s why you don’t want to explore it further. (We realize he’s a player.) But from where we’re sitting it seems like the only reason he broke up with you in the first place was because you were leaving town. And is it possible that since you were leaving, neither of you let your guard down enough to really explore what a relationship might feel like with the other person?

It seems to us if you could somehow start over with this guy, push reset, you might have a chance to really have a great relationship. Because it’s obvious that the two of you have a connection, even more than just sexual chemistry. But in order to move forward one of you needs to take a leap of faith. And frankly, it’s probably going to have to be you since you seem to be the one who’s unsure right now.

Women often say, “Once a player, always a player.” And that may be true to a certain degree but there’s one caveat. Sometimes a guy is a player until he finds the person he’s looking for. It’s true that guys don’t always know what they are looking for, but they do know when they’re with someone who isn’t it. (Hope that makes sense.) He’s 29, so maybe he’s ready to move from being a player to a serious guy?

We think you need to go on some proper dates with this guy, almost as if you had just met. Why not start by inviting him for coffee or lunch, far removed from the nighttime events where you normally meet up? That way you can really get to know each other on a different level. You’ll really be able to find out who the other person is. And maybe this will make you more comfortable. After that, see if he’ll take the reigns from there and take you out to dinner, or the movies, or a museum, or a hike, or a show, or whatever. You don’t have to jump right into a serious relationship, but you do need to clear your head and figure out what you truly want. We recommend staying away from the bedroom for a time because this will only serve to confuse you more.

We think you should give this a go. Stop being coy with him. (And hopefully he’ll do the same once he sees you might be interested.) Let yourself be open to possibilities. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Yes, he could reject you. And that will feel pretty crappy. But at least you won’t still be in a holding pattern, wondering what he’s thinking and what you should do. There’s nothing better than getting definitive answers. (As definitive as you can within a relationship.)

Keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section and we’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Is he too into me?

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Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile (Also Part 2: Writing a profile description)

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

And more….

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______________________________

Dear Guys,

So I met an amazing guy. He is intelligent, funny, outdoorsy, in a band, all the things a girl could want. We met through mutual friends about two months ago and hit if off immediately. We stayed up the whole night going on randmon spontaneous adventures and ended up cuddling by the end.

Since then we have been seeing each other. (We have not talked about being exclusive). The dates have been great, creative, stimulating and I feel overall very comfortable with him and like him a lot. I fell asleep one night at his place early on, and since then we have been spending the night at each other’s places multiple times per week. We have fooled around but have not had sex yet.

Anyways, I am afraid maybe he is too into me and it makes me uncomfortable. He is a super energetic, friendly person so it his hard to tell if he is just his enthusiastic personality. I happen to know through friends that he liked me so much he was freaking out about what to do when he asked me out and he told everyone (friends, family) all about me right away. He left his pillow at my house— since I don’t sleep with one—and texts me everyday with random things and to see how I am. I have casually met his family, and when my parents were out of town for the holidays he invited me to his place. (I did not go, becuase it seemed too soon). He did get me a simple and thoughtful Christmas gift. He invited me to things a month in advance when we first started dating. He gives me space if I am busy or out with friends, and he certainly has his own busy life, but he wants to know everything about me, and I cannot shake the feeling that it is too intense. I have never really been in a relationship, so maybe it is just me?

Kaitlin

Dear Kaitlin,

Thanks for your question.

So you need to ask yourself why this bothers you? Is it because in your heart of hearts you’re not sure you feel the same way about him? Or maybe you are a bit more cautious person and like to take things slowly? But from what you describe he sounds like a wonderful guy—the kind of person that everyone is looking for.

However, Kaitlin, just because he does so many wonderful things doesn’t mean he’s perfect for you. Love is a mystery. Sometimes we meet incredible people that we feel we should love, but there’s just no spark. Sometimes we get pressure from family and friends because they think a person is perfect for us, but for some reason they’re not. You are the only one who really knows how you feel.

Having said that, if it’s just your inexperience talking, or some other fear, maybe you can’t see the situation clearly. Maybe his intensity is clouding your perception of him. Here are the positive we see in him.

1. He is interested in everything about you. More than just sex.

2. He’s a solid communicator. Responsible. Follows through.

3. Positive person. Upbeat.

4. Independent person. Has his own life and gives you space.

5. Really cares about you.

6. Probably much more.

Kaitlin, believe it or not, guys are no different than girls when it comes to dating. When we meet someone we really like we get giddy, nervous, anxious, excited, silly, and yes, we even freak out. We ask our friends what to do, even though we know they won’t be much help. We try to figure out the best strategy to get the girl to go out on a date with us. Then we over plan and over think the first date. It’s quite amusing actually. But all of these intense feelings actually are good. Ask yourself: Do you really want to date a guy who just wants to hang out, watch movies, order Chinese, and then have sex? Do you really want a guy who tries to be Mr. Cool? Do you really want a guy who doesn’t call when he says he’s going to? And a guy who doesn’t want to know anything about you except your bra size? Think about it.

But we’ll finish our answer by coming back to what we said initially. It doesn’t matter how wonderful someone is on paper, you still need to feel those butterflies in your stomach. It’s up to you to figure that out. Just don’t let fear get in your way. He does sound like a solid guy. And be happy that he’s way into you. It’s so much better than the alternative.

Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question, and definitely keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section and we’ll respond here as well.

Readers, please give your opinions as well!

THE GUYS

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Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Long distance relationship: He cheated on me and told me

Dear Guys,

Let’s start out by saying I’m 17 and he’s now 20. We met a year and a half ago in Maryland. I live in Alabama but my dad lives in Maryland so I visit him every break that I get from school. I met him in the summer of 2009 at an under 18 club. We danced all night together and he asked for my number. We started texting and then talking on the phone for hours. I didn’t intend for anything to happen but it started getting intense. I would talk up to six hours a day and it came to a point where we exchanged the words “I love you.” (And I meant them when I said it to him.)

Let me just say my parents don’t support me with this. They have blocked him from my phone and everything. That made the situation ten times harder because when the people you care most about don’t care at all about what your passionate about, it’s hard.

I understand what could happen and all the outcomes that could come out of this situation. Of course we’ve had out some ups and downs but he stayed faithful to me for a whole year. Then he told me right before this summer when I was coming to see him that he liked this other girl and told me about everything that he did and felt. She gave him oral and that’s as bad as it got. I forgave him because I couldn’t help but love him. He promised me he wouldn’t ever do anything like that again.

We’ve been doing good until now. He is having some issues about me not being physically there. I understand that men react and get stimulated differently than females. I mean he’s 20 and hasn’t had sex in two years. He’s stayed pretty faithful. Well accept, he had intercourse with this new girl out of nowhere and he told me. I respect him for being a man and not lying to me and just straight up telling me. I know he cares about me and I know he loves me. He’s just going through a phase. I might be crazy for accepting it and probably forgiving him again in the future.

OH!! And here’s another thing. I’m changing my future so I can be with him. I’m lying to my mother, my step-dad and my dad about him. I’ve decided to move in with my dad in Maryland so I can be close to him and this is happening in seven months. I don’t know. Maybe he needed to get his sexual tension out? But seriously he couldn’t wait? Also I was coming to see him for Christmas in less than month.

That’s just my best trying to put it into long story short, and I guess my question is, should I forgive him? Or should I dump his ass? Or stay his friend? I mean he’s been faithful for two years and he tells me about everything he does so it’s not really cheating if he tells me. I understand his situation and why he is behaving the way he is. I’m just so scared he’s going to find someone else to replace me and fall in love with them. And when I finally move there, the space that I’ve left for him in my heart will be empty because he moved on.

I talked to his mom. (We’re close too, she’s our biggest fan.) And she says that she knew he was going to have to go through something like this, she just didn’t know when. She said that he never really got the attention from girls and because I can’t really give it to him physically he’s coping with it like that. But she swears up and down that she knows he loves me by the way he talks about me and that I have something special and that shes knows he loves me. She says it’s a phase and that she thinks he should go through the experience. I mean most guys pretty much screw a lot of girls in their prime years don’t they? It just sucks he’s doing it when we were “together.”

That brings me to another point. We don’t classify ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. We are just two people who fell in love who have been through hell to fight for what we have. But he knows we have boundaries and he crossed them.

I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Help Please!

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question.

We understand how strongly you feel for this guy. Love strikes when it pleases, and when it does it’s difficult to contain. However, we also feel strongly that you shouldn’t be lying to your parents. Yes, we realize they haven’t been that supportive, but from their point of view they probably feel you’re too young to be having this sort of relationship with a guy you barely know who lives hours away from you. But believe it or not, their feelings come from a good place. They want you to be happy. They’re not trying to stifle your passion, but more keep you from getting hurt. Which brings us to this guy.

We don’t necessarily think you’re being foolish for forgiving him, but just because he TELLS you he cheated doesn’t mean it’s okay. He did cheat, plain and simple. And if he’s had sex with two girls, it’s likely there’s more going on than you realize. Or if there’s not, it’s not from want of trying on his part. Sure guys might need to go through this phase, but that’s no excuse. If he wants to pursue other girls he shouldn’t be stringing you along and telling you how much he loves you. And honestly we think you’re making too many excuses for him. (And why are you talking to his mother about this? This seems a bit odd. She’s stringing you along too. She shouldn’t be making excuses for her son either. She seems a bit too involved with this don’t you think?)

Our strong recommendation is to stay where you are and not move. You can always continue to be friends with this guy and develop a deeper emotional connection with him over time. And if you still feel this way in a few years, then maybe that’s the time to explore this more. But based on his actions he certainly isn’t ready to commit to you now. We know you think it’s all going to change when you move there but from our experience we doubt it. Sure, maybe for a while things will be blissful, but if he’s really having such a hard time now, his “needs” will become an issue soon enough.

We believe that love should be explored, but we don’t think you should change your life to be with this guy. If he really wants to be with you at some point, let him be the one to take the initiative. Let him be the one to change his life. If he does this, you’ll certainly know he’s serious about you. If you go live with your father to be with this guy, you’ll never really know the depth of his feelings for you. Guys love convenience, and if you move, you’ll be making this very convenient for him. You need to make him work a little. Please wait on this for a while!

Last note: If he’s having sex with other girls, you need to be careful. There’s a lot of “stuff” floating around out there. Your safety is important. And honestly, his actions have given you no reason to trust him.

Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question in the comments section here. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Readers,

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Wooing at a distance

Dear Guys,

So long distance relationships are hard. I know that. What I’m asking about is something even harder— that is, trying to pique an interest from someone who you live far away from. I’m prepared to do what it takes, and I’m committed to going through with this, but I could do with some advice on how to approach the situation.

OK, some background: This girl was a childhood friend of mine, but about a decade ago she moved interstate. Strange as it may sound, from missing her then, I developed feelings for her.

Three years ago, I got to see her again, when we visited her family—we were family friends before they moved—and this confirmed how I felt. We got along well, and ended up staying in touch, though not all that frequently, as she’s a busy person. Anyway, telling her how I felt seemed premature—I figured it would make her uncomortable and only make things worse— so I tried to concentrate on becoming closer as friends and improving communication first. I had written a letter about this to send to her when I found out she now had a boyfriend.

That was just over a year ago, and I didn’t end up sending that letter. Anyway, it may not have been a good idea, but I told her I had feelings for her, and that I realized nothing could come of them given those circumstances but after being afraid of how she might react I realized I just wanted her to know. She actually reacted quite graciously, saying she appreciated my honesty and that she was more than happy to pursue a relationship as friends. Anyway, that went quite well, considering.

Almost two months ago she broke up with her boyfriend; on good terms(relatively speaking) from what I can tell. I waited a month, then told her that I was sorry she had to go through that and let her know that I was still interested, though I just wanted to be friends for the time being. She replied two weeks later, shortly after I asked whether she was busy or if something was wrong, as I’d tried to talk to her when I saw her online. She’d just been really busy, and said she wasn’t interested in entering a relationship for a long time. I apologized for any misconceptions and assured her that I was more than happy to just be friends for however long she needed, but that didn’t mean I was giving up on her.

This was almost a month ago, and she hasn’t replied since, which is starting to seem a bit long, even considering her busy life. Anyway, I’ve decided to wait a while longer, and in another month’s time I’ll message her if she still hasn’t replied. I expect you Guys will have had the time to answer this by then, and any advice on what I should and/or shouldn’t say is welcome. I’d also like to have an idea of how to continue from there: if at all possible. Any suggestions of a way I can get closer to her without crossing boundaries would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Zac

Dear Zac,

Thanks for your question.

Consistent communication from both parties is the key to a successful long distance relationship. But issues often arise because every person is different when it comes to how this actually “looks.” One person might need to talk every day to feel secure and connected, while the other person only wants to talk once a week. This usually causes one person to be upset and the other annoyed. From there, cracks start to appear in the foundation of the relationship, then insecurities grow, doubt looms and then a break up. Unless of course both people are very committed to making it work.

But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

From your note one question keeps jumping out at us. Are you sure this woman is interested in you romantically? Based on her sporadic communication, excuses about being busy, and her declaration that she is open to being friends with you, this doesn’t seem like a woman who wants a romantic relationship. What do you think?

To us this seems like your biggest challenge. Because it is possible to woo someone long distance as long as they are interested in some way. If this woman only sees you as a friend, it won’t matter what you do; your advances will fall flat and only make things more and more uncomfortable between the two of you.

Zac, we do believe in going for what you want. And we encourage you to try. But we’re not getting a solid vibe from her. (At least from what you say.) But if you really would like to explore this you need to be direct with her. Sending her gifts, or trying to be funny on some social networking site, or showing her how creative you are by writing a song or making a movie or whatever, is only going to creep her out, especially if she’s unsure about you.

Of course you don’t want to scare her away and tell her you love her either. We think the only way you’re going to be able to woo her is if you actually get together with her first, to remind her how cool of a guy you are. Because right now she’s not viewing you as a potential boyfriend, but more of a family friend.

So is there a way you could just be passing through her town? Or take a trip with a buddy—not your parents—and visit? Or is there a concert or some other event that could give you an excuse to not only visit where she lives, but invite her to as well?

We think this situation needs a jumpstart, and the best way to do that is face-to-face. If that goes well, then you’ll be able to figure out the long distance piece because she’ll then be open to it.

Leave us a comment and/or follow up question in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And let us know how this plays out. We hope it works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Readers,

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Guys,

I am in a long term relationship but have a very serious attraction to a guy in my office. He is also in a long term relationship. I think he has some interest in me as well, but he is the smart/shy type, so it is difficult to tell how far he is willing to take it. I don’t want to end my relationship or his, but a short lived fling sounds kind of fun.

How do I get him to move on this or is it just a bad idea all together?

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

Thanks for your question.

If you’re asking for our “permission” to cheat then the answer is a definitive NO. And maybe that’s exactly what you were hoping we’d say, otherwise there’d be no reason to consult our opinion.

Your interest in this other guy more likely stems from something missing in your current relationship, rather than how amazing he is. So before you move ahead with something you’ll regret, why don’t you take a hard look at what’s going on between you and your boyfriend? Is there a lack of communication between the two of you? A lack of affection? Are you not on the same page with some important issues? Are you putting in more time than he is? Is the distance too much? Maybe you’ve fallen out of love with him? What is it? It’s critical you get to the bottom of what is really going on for you.

On the flip side, we understand that a short fling SOUNDS fun. But it’s fantasy. And honestly, that’s where it needs to stay. Keep your attraction in your mind. (There’s a lot you can do with it right there.) Once you move the fantasy to the real world only trouble will ensue. That’s when people’s lives are altered forever.

If you find that you can’t stop yourself from pursuing this other man, at least deal with your current situation first, and then proceed forward. You’ll be glad you did; and your boyfriend will appreciate your honesty, even though he’ll be sad, and possibly angry about the breakup. (It’s much better than you cheating on him.)

And finally we’re wondering what kind of guy this co-worker is who might consider cheating on his partner? (Of course you don’t know if that’s true or not, so we’re speculating.) Maybe in the fantasy world that doesn’t matter, but it very much does in this one.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?

Kacey

Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Why does he have a second Facebook page? What is this guy’s MO?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Hey Guys,

I’ve started randomly talking to this guy that I met on the net. The contact began back in 2009. He found my profile on MySpace. He enjoyed reading the blogs that I had written about my traveling experiences and decided to send me messages. We had had some distant back and forth messaging. He was pretty persistent (on a friendly note), but nothing more came out of it. One, I was kind of passive and wasn’t really interested, and two, since the development of Facebook I was hardly logged into MySpace. So the communication died off.

Fastforward to 2010….I get a random e-mail notification from MySpace that he had sent me an email. He was basically just checking in to see how I was doing, and if I was interested in talking with him sometime. Out of curiosity, I had added him onto Facebook, but again, I was still giving him the cold shoulder. He would drop me a note here and there….but nothing really came out of it.

Now, onward to about two weeks ago. He sent me a random IM one day asking how I was doing. From there I stopped being a Little Miss-Priss and started chatting with him. And thank goodness I did. He and I have been talking non-stop since then…every single evening until the wee hours of the morning. From everything to our interests, daily lives…experiences…etc. So far we have a lot of common interests and he has a great personality. I guess we’ve developed a really easy connection. He sends me text messages every now and then asking about my day and the like. And we’ve also talked on the phone and via cam. Now it is apparent that we find each other both physically and emotionally attractive. But here’s my problem.

I have been in a downhill live-in relationship for the last couple of years and am in the processes of splitting up. My new “friend” is aware—I told him that I was in a relationship when we had begun chatting—of this and has not made any advances towards me in a romantic sort of way. Everything has been pretty innocent—minus some flirting here and there—but we have both been truthful about our situations and what it is that we want. Right now we are just equally keen on getting to know each other.

At first, there were some talks about meeting each other, perhaps in his city or mine. (We live about 4-5 hours away from each other.) And I really wanted to meet him. At first, I was stuck—and still am—in a predicament where I was worried about the current status of my relationship and how I would be able to get away to see my new “friend.” I didn’t want to cause myself any drama or complications with my boyfriend, but it seems as though with my recent actions I did.

I wound up lying to my boyfriend to see this guy for a 3-day weekend. Everything went great. We connected and everything. But I wound up being intimate with him. I came back home and am in the process of finalizing my current relationship. I feel awful about the situation, with me needing to lie to my ex about the whole situation.

But now I’m starting to look at this new guy suspiciously since I’m unsure of what his intentions are. He has been overseas for work these last couple of weeks and will be returning next week. He has been contacting me via Facebook/chat and has stated that he wants to meet again. When I asked him point blank about what was going on between us, and if it is purely physical, he stated that he is attracted to me both physically/intellectually and wants to know me better.

I don’t know what’s going on. If he wants just a sexual relationship why doesn’t he come out and say it?

More information:

I also found out that he has another Facebook page in relation to the one that I’m connected to. This new page seems to actually be his personal one. (He has is friends, his family–perhaps, and even his co-workers on it.) However, the one that I am connected to is pretty restrictive. I am unable to see his friends’ list. Yet the comments left on the page are made by a lot of African/African-American women. I happen to be an AF woman which raises a couple of red flags for me. I’m not even sure that I’m on the right grounds to even confront him about it. We’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, not committed/exclusive. (We’ve haven’t even gotten that far.) And I guess that he’s free to do/date whomever he wants. But at the same time, I can’t help but think that I just may be another AF-woman on his page to “chat” with and occasionally meet up with.

Should I confront him about the page? Would I have the right to do it? If so, how would I go about doing it without seeming like a stalker? If I shouldn’t confront him about it when would be the most appropriate time? WTF should I do? Should I pursue this or should I just see it as a fling and move on?

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question.

This second Facebook page makes us feel a bit uneasy. It sounds like you feel the same way.

Since you’ve already gotten together with this guy we see no reason why you can’t speak to him directly about your feelings and concerns. There are no rules here. The appropriate time is now. In fact we encourage you to do it sooner rather than later. You’ll get a lot of information based on his reaction to your question. We expect he’ll try to smooth talk you through it, and spin the same line about wanting to get you know better. He seems too smart to get defensive about it. Either way, please trust your gut. (Check out our video on this topic. On video page.) In general this feels a lot like the headline: “Guy meets great woman online but continues to troll dating sites for new talent.”

If he’s doing what we think he’s doing—hitting on as many people as he can—this doesn’t seem like a safe situation, physically and emotionally. You should definitely speak to him directly about how you’re feeling. However, in this situation, actions will speak louder than words. If he tells you he sees potential for a relationship with you, but then continues his whole Facebook charade, then you need to assess what’s the truth and what isn’t.

In general, tread carefully here. He may seem like a great guy—and it’s possible he is—but keep in mind that anyone can be wonderful from a distance. And anyone can be on their best behavior for three days. When hormones are raging, guys can be quite charming.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Does future career always trump future relationship?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Hi Guys,

I have been totally blindsided! About six weeks ago I started seeing this guy. (He is younger than me – I’m 30 and he’s 24, but that didn’t seem to bother him.) Everything was going really smoothly up until yesterday. While we were seeing each other he was out of town for two of the weeks. One of the weeks he was going to different universities around Canada because he’s finishing med school this year and is looking for residency positions. So we didn’t talk much while he was gone. And then the week before Christmas he was out of town staying with his family. So I know that overall I haven’t invested a whole lot of time into this relationship but I’m not sure where/when it went wrong.

The first few weeks that we were seeing each other he did do most of the talking. I think he was nervous(?) because it could be hard for me to get a word in edgewise. After our second date he wanted to not only know if I’d hang out with him on New Years but also wanted to know if there was anyone else in the picture and seemed somewhat surprised when I said that I wasn’t seeing anyone else. He even asked me if “I was (only) his” and I said yes. (How does one answer that kind of question??) He was really eager/enthusiastic – I’ve never dated someone so overzealous (seemingly) in the beginning of a relationship but I certainly wasn’t complaining. I don’t think he’s had much experience in having relationships. He said he’d only had one previous long term relationship and then a “fling” over the summer. I just got out of a 4.5 year relationship last March and I’m in no rush to jump into anything. (We waited until about 2 or 3 weeks in before having sex… well I made us wait and I think I should’ve waited longer).

After a few dates he invited me out with his friends and we had a really good time. He told me later they really liked me and a week or so after that my friends and I hosted a party and he came to that and my friends all came up to me later telling me they really liked him. After the party was the first time we had sex and I do think there was a (very) subtle change in the dynamic of the relationship after that. The very day we had sex I had to leave to go to work but we made plans to hang out when I got off. Just as I was on my way to meet up with him he messaged me bailing on me—first time ever bailing last minute—because he had to pack because he was going to his universities tour that I mentioned earlier. The fact that he had just stayed at home while I was gone playing on his xbox knowing he was supposed to meet up with me I thought was inconsiderate so I asked him to next time give me a heads-up in advance if he has to bail. And the following week, when he thought he wasn’t going to be able to meet up, he let me know 12 hours in advance! So I saw the bailing thing as just a blip.

We still frequently made plans to meet up after that and it was always nice spending time with him and he was pretty consistent about contacting me, as was I with him. Two days ago he got back from spending a week and a half with his family out of town. No sooner did we sit down at coffee yesterday that he said, “We have to talk!” We hadn’t even had a ‘define the relationship’ type of conversation so I didn’t even know if he considered me as his girlfriend. And then the next thing I knew he was ending our relationship and according to him we were dating!

He said that he felt that because the hospital he was going to be working at next semester was pretty far he was going to have to spend a lot of time at his parents because they live close to the hospital. He often has to be at the hospital for 6am and public transit doesn’t even start to operate until 6am and he will be on call most of the time and he didn’t know how much time he could invest into a relationship. He said he doesn’t also want to be a guy who calls only when he has like thirty minutes to hang out or something. He said he still likes me and is attracted to me but he has to prioritize his career and school. (Since I have a Master’s degree I totally get the need to prioritize school and career.)

So I told him that I respected him for being straight up but that I would’ve appreciated a bit more dialogue such as about how I would have felt with only seeing him once a week but he sort of made up his mind about how I would’ve felt about it.

I asked him how long he had been thinking of this and he said he just started really thinking seriously (as in 3 days ago) about how the next few months are going to be for him and that he didn’t see how things could work out as we’d like it to so he decided he needed to focus on his priorities, which is school and getting into a residency program. (I don’t begrudge that of course).

But is it really school or do you think he’ll have a change of heart?

Thanks!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

As women are often, but certainly not always, attracted to guys who are stable and seemingly good caretakers—guys with money, or at least good jobs—guys in turn strive to achieve those positions. Our identities, and unfortunately our egos, are closely connected to our work. We want to feel valued in society. We want to be respected by our peers. And we certainly want to be attractive to women. But it’s more than that. Since we’re no longer required to hunt, moving up the career ladder is the closest thing we have to taking down that Saber Tooth Tiger.

Your guy’s age and inexperience play a big factor here as well. He’s probably a bit uncertain about how he feels. Remember, he’s probably been planning on studying medicine his whole life. (Or maybe his parents pushed him in that direction, which is a whole other story.) Then all of a sudden he meets you right before he’s about to take the next step and he’s thrown off a bit. Most guys just won’t tolerate that. Even if they feel a strong connection with a woman they won’t allow themselves to “go there.” We’d say he fits neatly into this category. And if so, we don’t see him veering from his course.

Some people love the idea of love. They get all excited every time they meet someone new, only to have their feelings temper as the relationship develops. In a word, or words, this stinks for the other person. The way he spoke to you at the beginning was probably genuine, but in some ways he was living in his own fantasy world. When he “woke up,” he realized that he needed to stay focused on his plan.

Of course having said that, if this guy really felt something extra special with you his conversation might have been slightly different.(Like you surmised.) He might have asked you how you felt about him moving, and if you would consider trying to do a long distance relationship; and maybe if he was really a risk taker, he’d ask you if you would consider relocating. He still wouldn’t have changed his path, but it’s possible he might have tried to incorporate you into it.

But that takes a forward-thinking person to do that. Someone who is able to balance a lot at one time, or even understand that this balancing act is possible. If he’s career obsessed it might not even have occurred to him that having an exciting career AND a great relationship is possible. Some guys just don’t have that capacity, even when they are married.

If it makes you feel better we bet at some point he’ll feel some regret over his decision. We also wouldn’t be surprised if he contacted you again. But it’s hard to say when, and if he’ll be a different person when he does. (We wouldn’t hold our breath on this one.)

We’ll speak personally and tell you that having a career that we love is very important, but having a woman we love and a family to come home to is even better. There are many guys out there who feel the way we do. We’re not sure if this guy is one of them, or if he’s just too young to know where he stands.

Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Keep spreading the word about us. We love you girls up in Canada!! Thanks.

Two questions: Is this party guy interested? (and) Did I get played by this girl?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Dear Guys,

There is this guy who works at the ABC store that I am very attracted to. The first time I went in to stock my home bar he helped me and as I left he said, “Let me know when the party is.” I took it as if he was just being nice. I went back in tonight and he asked me how the bar was going. I told him that no one drank the rum and he said, “Let me know where the party’s at and I will drink it!”

Is he trying to tell me something? Should I have taken those comments and invited him over? I am soo shy. Should I just pass him the number and leave it at that?

Trisha

Dear Trisha,

Thanks for your question.

Well, he’s either interested in you, or he really likes to drink rum. Either way, you won’t know unless you make the first move.

We don’t think there’s any harm in giving him your number, but just remember you don’t really know the guy. Maybe a first meeting should be sometime during the day, say for coffee? If that goes well you can take it from there.

He sounds fun, but we’re always a bit wary about relationships that begin with drinks. If you know what we mean!

Happy New Year,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

(AND)

Hey Guys,

So for about 4 months I started talking to a girl who I know through a friend. We started off as just friends but then I started to get feelings for her. I told her straight up how I felt and that I was starting to fall for her. She had been dating a guy who hit her and controlled her. She told me every day that I was the only guy who treated her right and that I was above all other guys ever.

A few weeks ago they broke up and she said she didn’t want to date anyone and stay single for awhile. I told her I respected that choice and told her I was still there for her. She told me that when she was ready I would be at top of the list. But last night I saw a tweet on my feed that said she was dating some other guy.

All I wanna know is if you think I got played and used? Did she only want me around to feel wanted and loved?

Thanks,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Thanks for your question.

Rest assured you did a good thing. You gave this woman strength as she dealt with an abusive boyfriend. Good for you.

But sometimes it’s a drag being the ‘good guy’ isn’t it?

We don’t think you got used specifically. Meaning, she didn’t use you and then discard you. She leaned on you as she would a friend. But we’re not sure it means anything more than that. Her choice of words to you seems a bit coy and non-committal. (“You’ll be at the top of her list when she’s ready.”) She has a list?

However, by your description of her taste in men, she doesn’t seem capable of choosing a good guy just yet. She’s still into guys who treat her poorly, as if that’s somehow more exciting. It makes no sense to us, just as women are baffled by guys who go for beautiful women with not much else going on—not that the two are mutually exclusive. (We’re just making a point.)

We’d say don’t abandon her; she still probably values your friendship. But we think you shouldn’t hold out any hope that she’ll suddenly come around. She’s got a ways to go before she’s ready for a good guy like yourself.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I went to one of my friend’s weddings which was held five hours away from where I live. While there I met a guy who was my age. We hit it off and had a lot in common and sparks started to fly. This all happened in January of this year.

I had drove to visit him 10+ times and he came to visit me. I went to wedding with him, introduced him to my family/friends and met his family/friends; everything was perfect.

After several months of talking we decided to date long distance. We knew it wouldn’t be easy but we gave it a go anyway. I started getting a little suspicious when he wouldn’t add me on Facebook and he would always have a password set on his phone—not like I’d go through it anyway. But it all didn’t add up.

One day while I was visiting, he was at work and I wanted to be cute and write on his calendar. (He had a whole bunch of permanent markers in a cubby on his night stand so I grabbed one and there happened to be a sticky note stuck to one of them.) So of course I read it and it was from a girl telling him she loved him and had an amazing time with him. However, there was no date so it could have been old. I decided to ask him about it and he got all defensive and we got into an argument which didn’t make matters any better.

So automatically that gave me some trust issues with him. My friend found out through her friend that my guy was going to all these bars and all these girls were commenting on his page on Facebook. Which wasn’t a big deal really, but he would lie to me about where he was if I happened to call. He would say his phone died or he was just hanging at a friend’s house when really he was out at the bars. Then to top things off my friend Googled his name and found him posting on this chat message board trying to pick up girls two days before one of my trips to see him.

I haven’t seen him since October 2nd and on the 7th of this month he told me maybe we should end things because I deserve better and all of that. So I got upset and blocked him and we haven’t spoken since. I know he has screwed me over and I’ve been completely faithful and honest but I miss him. I had plans to move there to be with him and everything and now it’s all gone. January of 2012 will mark our one year and it’s hard to think about.

What should I do? Do you think he will come back? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a tough time.

Distance and time can often distort perception. You haven’t seen this guy since October so of course you’re missing him terribly. Yes, you might remember that he cheated on you, but the painful feelings associated with that memory have faded, replaced by memories of the good times you had with him. We’ve all been there.

If you get back together with him ask yourself if things would be different. Do you think you can trust him again? Do you think he will be responsible with that trust? Do you believe when he’s out in the world he’ll be saying to himself ‘How would Ashley feel if I did this’? Because in order to make this work, or any trusting relationship to work, the answer to all those questions must be a definitive YES. Because doubt breeds insecurity, which leads to resentment, and eventually disillusion.

We can’t say whether he’ll come back. The larger question is, should you take him back if he does come back?

People can change, but often it takes time, usually littered with broken relationships along the way before the person finally has an epiphany and realizes they need to fundamentally change. This also must be coupled with self-reflection. Without the two working in tandem change won’t happen.

Guys, tend to take longer to change. Many people say women are more intuitive. That’s not necessarily true. But guys are so programmed to try and be cool and tough that they ignore their intuition in favor of a rough exterior and uncaring attitude. It’s all a smokescreen. But it can take a lifetime to clear all that smoke.

Just think about all these questions as you move forward. There are trustworthy and loyal guys out there. You might not need to recycle the past to get the person you’re looking for.

Be well,

THE GUYS

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Dumped by text

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Dear Guys,

I was dating this guy for about 6 months. Things were going good, we were enjoying each other’s time and he was someone I could be open with. Then out of the blue I get this text message saying:

“I just got back from office. I am barely able to finish this text I’m so tired. But it’s important we communicate. I have something to share with you. Met someone that I like and I wanted to give it a fair chance. So I have to be true and fair to myself, you and her. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to continue seeing each other for now. I would like us to remain friends but after a bit of time has passed and I feel comfortable in my relationship. I hope you find it in you to be happy for me and wish me well. It is what I would do.”

It was totally out of left field. I was so hurt. This happened about a month ago and I am still hurt and confused about it. I am 33 and he is 45. This is not something I would have expected from an older man.

My question is, what would make a man break up with somone via a text message? Why did he do that? I gave him no reason to think I am crazy.

Confused and hurt,

Fatisha

Dear Fatisha,

Thanks for your question.

We are as taken aback by this as you are. A 45 year-old guy should know better. We’re sorry.

So we discussed among ourselves the question: Is there ever a time when it’s okay to break up via text?

We could agree on only one scenario:

If a couple uses texting as their primary mode of communication, then it seems reasonable—although still odd to us—that this particular couple could conduct a breakup via texting. Otherwise breaking up in a text message is completely irresponsible and shows a total lack of respect.

We know you’re hurt and sad, but hopefully as time goes by you might realize that this man showed his true colors the day he broke up with you. He used the quickest and easiest way to extricate himself from your relationship and then had the gall to ask for your blessing. This shows how little he valued your relationship, and much about his lack of character and values.

We’d like to think that most people face their challenges head on. They admit if they were wrong. They apologize when warranted. And they don’t avoid those difficult conversations even when they know how unpleasant they are going to be. Clearly your man does not live his life this way. So Fatisha, is this the kind of guy you want to have a long term relationship with? Think about how many challenges life throws at us. Don’t you want someone in your corner who’s got your back? Someone you know you can count on when things get tough? Someone who has your best interests in mind?

Hopefully in your next relationship you have will be a true partnership.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question in the comments section. We’ll respond there. Also, let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Dear Guys,

I answered a casual encounters ad on Craigslist. No sex. He just wanted to play with my breasts. I thought it would be something like making out, maybe foreplay without the sex; and initially it was. We had our first meeting in public—no breast activity at all. I liked him, so we kept in touch through text messages mostly and a few phone calls. We made plans to see each other on a more regular basis. After a few meetings he suggested that we try something new—extended breast play. I asked, “Don’t we do that already?” So he further explained it as suckling. I asked if it was like breastfeeding, and he said that it was simulating it. I asked if what he really wanted was a pregnant and/or nursing woman. He said no. I asked if he had ever done it before and he said no. He gave me the impression that this was a new experience for us both. So I tried it, and I liked it. It was a lot more intimate than anything we had done prior. Afterwards, I was curious about what we tried so I started googling it. I started with adult breastfeeding, which lead to erotic lactation, and that lead to adult nursing relationships (ANRs).

Anyway, at first I was upset when I found at all of this information. I thought this was something new to both of us but apparently it wasn’t. But after some thought I could see why he wasn’t completely upfront about what he wanted. However, I let my anxiety take over, and instead of waiting patiently to speak with him, I flooded him with texts, and emails and voice mail messages for three days. I didn’t yell or accuse, like I said, I understand why he was less than honest, and I wanted to explore this with him.

Anyway, we never spoke about what I discovered. He said if this was going to work I needed to apply the breaks, heavily. Then he asked me for space. I gave him one week.

He stopped answering my phone calls, emails, and text messages. I became clingy and needy. Eventually I resorted to dropping by his house unannounced. The first time it freaked him out but it ended in a heavy makeout session. The second time he yelled at me in his hallway and sent me away. He was hurtful. I, in turn, sent him a nasty email. We haven’t spoken in a week and a half. I really messed this up. He won’t talk to me, and he has already started looking for someone else. I know he is back to answering (ANR) ads.

I can’t let this go. I feel as though he tossed me aside like a defective blow up doll. Should I apologize? Will he ever be receptive to me again, or should I stay away? Is it possible for things to just go back to being casual, stress free, and fun or will he think I’m crazy forever?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your question.

The issue here is one of expectation. When you answer a “Casual Encounters Ad” on Craigslist, it implies just that: a casual encounter. Nothing more. Nothing less. Your reaction—although in our minds warranted—took the arrangement from casual to serious, which is not something he was looking for. His own internal and external exploration helped him realize he has a fetish for this sort of thing. (ANR) So, he is now looking for like-minded people who have reached this same realization.

We think it’s unlikely your relationship can go back to being just casual and fun. In general, it’s possible to take a relationship from casual to serious, but difficult to go from serious to casual. But we can’t blame you for wanting to understand more about “extended breast play” and then seeking answers from him. It’s too bad he wasn’t able to be honest with you from the get go. But maybe honesty is too much to ask when you answer this type of ad?

The one place we do think you crossed the line is showing up at his house unannounced, especially when you were really angry. Going forward, please try to suppress these impulses unless you want to be labeled as: crazy, loco, psycho, nuts, or creepy.

We’re sorry you feel discarded. But unfortunately we don’t think he’s open to you anymore. But we also don’t think you could have done much differently. Sure you might have acted a bit “needy” but who could blame you? And really, is this the kind of guy you want to be in a relationship with? We doubt it. Not because of his alternative interests, but because of his dishonesty, and unwillingness to explore with you and help you understand. Sharing fetishes and fantasies with a partner can help spice things up and even bring people closer together. But this guy is not looking for one woman he can share his fantasies with but rather as many willing “Milk Maids” as he can find.

We hope this helps. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us any follow up questions. Leave all comments/questions in this comments section here and we’ll respond here as well.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My “so called” male bestie

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

Are my sister’s actions inappropriate?

Dear Guys,

One year ago I met an amazing guy. We slept together on the first night we met. Oops! However, after the one-night stand we both had NO intentions of seeing each other again. However, we exchanged numbers. The rest is history; we talked every day 2 or 3 times a day with numerous text messages. We slept together approximately six more times after the initial encounter. However, three months into our “friends with benefits” he started to become distant and decided we should just be friends with NO sex. I didn’t agree with the NO sex part.

Side note: Six months after we decided to just be friends with NO sex, I had a conversation with him and explained that I could no longer continue our friendship. I was emotionally connected to him and we could no longer be friends to protect my emotional safety. I asked him to not call me anymore or text. He agreed. During this “friendship break up” he says, “I do care about you. And because I care we can’t have sex anymore.” He says he doesn’t have a connection with the other women he sleeps with. He also states that he is very attracted to me, but he never let his feelings grow for me; he always assumed we were friends. * Confusing*

However, the next day after this conversation, he starts calling me, texting, and he says, “I miss your voice, it’s too hard.” I gave in and we are back to talking everyday. Now we have a friendly date once a month. I’m so confused and need your help. What does he want from me??? He dates other people and he is fully aware that I’m dating other people.

However, why be his friend???? If we only see each other occasionally and I’m not getting any sex from him I’m not sure the point. All we do is talk on the phone and text each other. Please help. At this point I can cut him off with no problem. I’m tired of being his friend with no benefits.

Does he just want to be my friend? If so, why does he call me and text me so often? I have several male friends and I don’t talk to them every day. Is he using me?

Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

Thanks for your question.

No, he’s not using you. It sounds like he really values your friendship and wants you to be a part of his life. But we don’t think he wants anything more than that. (Meaning a romantic relationship with you.)

We actually get the sense that this guy is trying to do the right thing. Frankly, he’s being more honest with you than most guys would be. He’s telling you upfront that he cares about you enough to even stop having sex with you. Most guys would just continue having sex until the woman put an end to it.

So this all falls back on you. What do you want Tiffany? Are you able to be this guy’s friend without feeling upset that you don’t have something more with him? Do you want to listen while he talks about the other women he’s dating and sleeping with? Are you truly able to enjoy his friendship? Our sense is you really like this guy and if he wanted a committed relationship you’d stop dating these other guys you’re dating and be with him exclusively. If this is the case, you need to think long and hard about whether or not this friendship is the best thing for you.

Some of us over here at The Guy’s Perspective just watched “Friends with Benefits” with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. (Yes, we have to keep abreast of the “latest” date movies.) Anyway, these types of arrangements just don’t typically work. Someone always gets attached and then ultimately hurt. It’s not always the woman, but it’s always someone.

Decide what you want Tiffany and go from there. If you want this man as your friend by all means keep the friendship. Having a guy friend can be a very enriching and enlightening experience. But if you’re secretly pining for more, you’re headed for more frustration and heartache. We just don’t see the situation changing. Guys don’t work that way.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Are my sister’s actions inappropriate?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

My cheating ex won’t get out of my life. Why?

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

Hi Guys,

It seems like every time I meet or date someone my sister likes to form her own type of relationship with the person. Some of the guys are people I’m dating, others are just friends. (I don’t think she’s trying to date them though.) It starts out innocently enough with a few comments on Facebook and before I know it she has added them as a friend—most of the time she has never even met the person—which then leads to texting/phone and in some cases, hanging out. Sometimes she likes to hijack my phone and text them funny things pretending it’s from me. (Sometimes it is funny, but a lot of the time it’s not.)

This has happened on more than a few occasions…at least six or seven times. I feel like I’m being paranoid but I would never do something like that to her. I’ve been told I’m justified AND I’ve been told I’m jealous.

There is a eight year age gap between us—I am the oldest (33)of three and she is the youngest (25)—and we have always been close, but this really bothers me. Is this a line crosser? I don’t know how to approach her. The one time I did she got bent out of shape and mass deleted everyone on Facebook, saying she wasn’t allowed to be friends with my friends. And the one time I mentioned it to a guy I was told I was jealous.

I’m at a loss as to what to make of it. And, what to do.

Trish

Dear Trish,

Thanks for your question.

You’re in a funny position here. It’s obvious you care about your sister and you don’t want to do anything to damage your relationship, but at the same time you’d like her to stop. (Ahh, the complexity of sibling relationships!)

Rest assured, she is completely in the wrong. She is definitely crossing the line and she seems completely oblivious to this fact. Which says to us, whatever roles you established when the two of you were younger, are still playing out here. Meaning, you’re expected to be the mature and understanding older sister who puts up with her younger sister’s cute pranks. Maybe twenty years ago her antics were adorable, but now that you’re both adults, not so much anymore.

Sibling roles often last forever. Even after kids go off to establish their own lives—maybe getting married and having their own families—these same roles play out over and over during family get togethers and events. In order to break free from these roles it takes work and participation from both sides. Often, if issues arise, one sibling might try to move the relationship to a new place while the other sibling resists, which can cause a rift that can last a lifetime.

We don’t think a lifetime rift will happen in your case, but you are going to have to have a “sit down” with your sis. (This behavior isn’t going to stop on its own.) And this is where being the older sister will help you, because it’s clear she’s trying to get your attention. She’s flexing her adult muscles, demonstrating her power, and probably looking for your approval. Yes, she still wants to know that big sister is paying attention as she navigates the adult world. And of course on some level she’s also competing with you. What younger sibling doesn’t want to “beat” their older brother or sister in something?

What she doesn’t realize is that you’re treating her more as an equal now, someone who should know better. And this is how we might broach the topic. Tell her how much you care about her, but you also might want to flip things on her. Tell her that sometimes even older sis might need some support from younger sis. If she realizes that you in fact don’t have all the answers, maybe she’ll back off and realize she has crossed the line. Hopefully this new understanding will bring the two of you even closer.

However, this conversation may not go smoothly, and it is possible she will have a knee-jerk reaction and be angry for a time. But if you do it with sensitivity—even though she’s not being sensitive now—eventually she’ll understand her behavior is inappropriate.

And for Pete’s Sake, please hide your phone!

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a comment her in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

My cheating ex won’t get out of my life. Why?

Dear Guys,

I dated this guy for about 5 months. We weren’t too serious, but we did see each other every day. We weren’t exclusive but we had been going to family events with one another and holiday things of the sort.

A couple weeks ago he started acting distant and I thought something was wrong. Well, he decided to end things, saying he just needed to figure himself out. No big deal. We were gonna stay friends, and I was gonna let him decide what he wanted to do.

Well after a couple days his ex contacts me saying she had been talking with him—not that it mattered since he and I weren’t exclusive. But then she says she is talking to an old friend of mine as well. They tell me all this drama and I ask my ex about it. He says it’s not true and we continue on like normal.

A couple days later my ex calls me and is LIVID. He tells me that this guy his ex has been talking to apparently fell off the face of the earth. His ex apparently thinks I have made this person up and have been leading her on and feeding her all this info blah blah blah. Now my ex is furious. He then says he wants nothing to do with the drama and cuts me and her off completely. Then I get a call a couple days later from saying I am not allowed to contact him, his family, or anyone else he knows AT ALL. He apparently thinks I am an insecure because he believed I did all this. Then he says he never cared.

None of what he accused me of was true. So I obviously blocked him from everything possible and never contacted him AGAIN. A week later he texts me asking if we can meet somewhere public to discuss this all. He then calls and says he just wants me to own up to all of it and he just wants to “help” me. What man does this? I thought if he actually believed all this he would be running for the hills thinking I was psychotic. Why would he call me AGAIN to just make me upset and angry to tell me I’m a liar AGAIN?

I don’t understand why he keeps contacting me. Why won’t he just leave it alone? Am I missing something? Can you help me understand what is going on here? Does he really believe I have done all this? And if he does, why keep contacting me, shouldn’t you run away from the psycho girl? Is this some sick and twisted way to get me back? If so it’s surely NOT working.

Just try and explain this to me, cause no one else can.

Angry and Confused

Dear Angry and Confused,

Thanks for your question. Honestly we’re a bit confused to actually what went down and with whom. And maybe the specifics don’t actually matter.

From what we can see the confusion began way before all of the “drama” started. The confusion actually began while the two of you were together, because a relationship that’s not exclusive is called dating. This sort of “open” relationship is ripe for all sorts of misunderstandings to happen. Why? Because the boundaries aren’t clear. What is okay and not okay is hazy? And even though both parties might say, “it’s all good,” when it comes down to it someone always gets hurt.

In your case, he got hurt. Because frankly your relationship doesn’t look a lot different now than it did when you were together. (How do you actually break up from a relationship that’s not exclusive? Does that mean, no physical contact anymore?) And if you think about it this way, you can see why he’s upset over your supposed actions. (We understand that you didn’t do what he thinks you did.) In his mind, someone close to him betrayed him. It has less to do with the fact that you dated, and more to do with your friendship. And once again, all of this stems from the lack of clarity with your relationship.

We think you should talk with him. It’s obvious to us that both of you still care about each other, at least to some degree, so why not have the conversation? See what he has to say. Yeah, it probably won’t be pleasant, but if you really want to find out what’s going on, why not get it from the original source, instead of asking everyone you know to enlighten you.

If you do have that conversation feel free to ask us a follow up question. Or just get us up to date. We’re interested to hear how this all turns out. (Leave comments in the comments section here on this post. We’ll do the same.)

Our advice moving forward: You might want to try and stay away from these types of non-exclusive relationships, including getting back together with this guy. (If things get resolved with your discussion.) There are reasons that exclusive, monogamous relationships work.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My cheating ex won’t get out of my life. Why?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Dear Guys,

I was in a relationship for 5 years. (A gay couple.) My ex constantly flirted with his previous boyfriends or other guys online while we were together.

Two years ago he left me and moved in with a guy he just met. Well that lasted two weeks and then he wanted me back. When he came back he got into counseling and I thought things were going well. I was wrong. He cheated again. So I ended the relationship for good.

It has taken a lot of work to get over my ex. Finally, I started talking to someone new. At the beginning of December my ex tried to say negative things about me to this new guy. Then he tried to repair his broken relationship with my best friend. (I think it’s really unfair of my ex to contact my best friend.) He’s made sure that I don’t talk to many mutual friends anymore which I’m okay with because it tells me they weren’t true friends.

The bottom line is, my ex just won’t go away. Not a week goes by that he doesn’t do something to try and tear me down. What I don’t understand is why would he do this? He’s dating someone else. And I’ve been working hard on myself to heal and grow from this because it was a really, really bad relationship.

He’s told everyone he doesn’t want me, but he still contacts me and tries to get all dramatic. So why won’t he go away? Why won’t he stop doing these things and just leave me alone?

Nate

Dear Nate,

Thanks for your question.

It takes strength to break up with someone you still love. Good for you—for recognizing how unhealthy your relationship was, and extracting yourself. But as you know, the breakup is only the first step to actually moving on. Often people get back together—as in your case, sometimes more than once—only to finally break it off permanently. Once the actual physical connection is no longer there it still takes time to separate emotionally.

And that’s where you are. Both of you. You are still allowing him to exhibit control over you and he still feels remorseful for messing up a good thing. Because rest assured, he is remorseful, and wishes he acted differently when the two of you were together. Otherwise he wouldn’t be spending so much time trying to make life difficult for you now. He sees that you’ve moved on. He sees you’ve gotten stronger and more confident and that bothers him. He wants you to feel as miserable as he does inside. So when he sees you happy, he’s going to do anything he can to try and take that from you.

You can’t control his actions and words, but you can control how you react to what he says, and how his actions affect you. This starts with you having very clear boundaries. (Maybe you’ve done this, but it should happen again.) Please ask him nicely to stop speaking badly about you to other people. And then ask him to stop contacting you. Once you’ve done this you must also follow through. Stop answering his calls. Don’t get sucked into the drama—long drawn out conversations and arguments. Stop giving him any sort of audience and after a while this will hopefully stop.

We understand that part of the problem is the two of you travel in many of the same circles. You have mutual friends, you go to similar hang outs, and you probably live near each other. So unless you plan on moving and starting a new life somewhere else, you’re going to have to deal with him in your life to some extent. So you must be consistent, strong, and clear. And lean on your true friends for support. Don’t be shy about this. It’s okay to ask for help.

Nate, if you can understand that he’s actually hurting, and try to see him as someone who doesn’t know how to deal with his inner turmoil, it might help you separate from him. We’re not saying accept his negative actions. No one should ever accept being bullied. And we’re not saying it’s your job to help him. It’s not. But if you realize that he is in a holding pattern—right where he was when you broke up with him—and that you’ve grown so much since then, you’ll realize that you do in fact have the control here. You’re the stronger person; you’re the person who’s put in the hard work to grow; so you need to rise above this. Hopefully one day he’ll start working on what he needs to work on. But that’s his journey, not yours.

Focus on what you can control: your happiness. The rest is all static, meant to distract you from your goal.

And finally, if this gets too bad, and he won’t leave you alone, then you might need to seek help beyond your friends. (Something to consider down the road.) Hopefully it won’t ever get to that point.

Good luck and happy holidays.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Dear Guys,

Since I was a freshman in high school I have always had a crush on one of my former coaches. This has been no secret to anyone who knows me and I am even positive that he knows as well. All throughout high school we have had a special relationship—a “Father and Daughter” relationship as he would describe it. But I’ve always been sure that there was something more unspoken between us.

For instance, during games or whenever we were in the same room he would always stare at me, although very discreetly. It’s the way that he stares sometimes. I can’t help but blush or shy away. Also, he would go out of his way to speak with me—interrupting conversations that I am having with others or finding ways to accommodate me. Often he would ask about my status with some of my male peers. And even after I graduated he let me know to email him to stay in contact so he’ll know how things are going with me.

One incident that stands out so vividly in my mind happened at my last volleyball game of my high school career. He was sitting way in the stands. I remained on the bench the entire game. Upset we lost the game and that I didn’t even get to play, I stormed out of the gym and into the nearest restroom. Just shortly after I went in a female teacher—who’s one of his closest friends—came in after me to let me know that he was standing outside the door and wanted to speak with me. (This teacher was also aware of my fondness for him.) I quickly pulled myself together and met him outside the door. The fact that he came after me and noticed my exit out of a gym meant a lot to me. He then talked to me and his face was just inches from mine. That’s when I heard “I love you to death..like a daughter, of course.” I’ve heard him call me his daughter before even though he’s white and I am African American. And I even heard him tell me that he loved me before, but when he spoke with me outside the restroom something about the way he spoke with me told me there was something more to it. Could I be wrong?

To this very day I visit the high school and the girls in the school’s volleyball program. The first person I notice is him when I walk through those doors. I notice that he notices me too but he tries not to seem phased by my presence. Sometimes he doesn’t even talk to me. He just holds conversations with other people and steals glances from a distance. Though we still email each other I can’t seem to understand why things may be so awkward for him.

Am I delusional? Can there be something more? Is this mutual attraction all in my head? Or can he be conflicted because he’s a teacher, coach, husband, and newly father.

Ash

Dear Ash,

Thanks for your question. We’re surprised we haven’t gotten a question like this before.

Relationships between coaches and players—or teachers and students—have clearly defined parameters. Coaches have to be very careful not to cross these parameters if they want to keep their job, or stay out of jail. We’re sure you’ve seen plenty of cases on the news of coaches losing sight of those very clear boundaries and ending up ruining their lives and the lives of all the people who love them.

From what you describe your instincts could be right. It’s possible there could be a mutual attraction. (But we don’t really know. We can only go by what you’re saying.) Players often have crushes on their coaches. They see someone who’s strong, confident, knowledgeable, and maybe even good looking and they start to fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with this person. (Because those particular characteristics ARE attractive, especially to young women coached by an older guy.) And on the flipside, men see beautiful, athletic, young women running around in shorts and tee shirts and it’s only natural for them to recognize this beauty, and be attracted to it.

But it should NEVER go any further than that. It can’t. And if it does, that’s when trouble starts and lives get ruined.

Coaches especially need to be cognizant of the affect they might have on their players and not take advantage of this power. Although this happens all the time in our society. Think rock stars, artists, athletes, etc. But teachers and coaches, whom parents have entrusted with their children, have to be extra diligent about keeping to their clearly defined roles.

We can’t say whether or not he’s actually attracted to you, but it’s clear he’s fond of you. He says he thinks of you like a daughter, so we think you need to take him at his word. And OF COURSE the whole situation is awkward for him. He might care for you but he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s crossing the line, so he has to be guarded. And frankly, he has everything to lose by doing anything more than what he’s doing. He’s a husband and father and he needs to always keep that in mind as he carries himself in the world.

So Ash, it’s fine to have a crush on your coach but you need to leave it right where it is. We realize you really want to know if he also has feelings for you, but we think you need to put this aside and start focusing your energy on men your own age. And be happy you have a mentor/father who cares for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

Dear Guys,

Please enlighten me!

I met a guy through work almost a year ago that I really like and would like to get to know better. We live in different states, and communicate via text, IM, and e-mails.

Typically I am the one who initiates the conversation (not always), but he ALWAYS responds no matter how random the message. Also, he sent me a pic when I requested one. Would a guy do that if he weren’t interested? Or is he just being nice, and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings?? I even told him once that I felt he was giving off mixed signals and it was okay if he wasn’t interested…I’m a big girl and can handle it, blah, blah, blah. Instead of confirming or denying interest, he asked what I meant and that he didn’t think he was doing that.

All of the guys I’ve asked so far have said the same thing…that no one is that nice. If he wasn’t interested there is no way he would keep responding, especially for this long.

My girlfriends all say very different things ranging from “he’s interested” to “he has a girlfried” to “you are reading more into it”, etc.

Guys, What do you think?? Is he interested, or am I reading more into the situation than there is because I want there to be more??

Is it possible that we are both too guarded and cautious and waiting for a more direct and honest approach before opening up to each other? If that’s the case should I write a letter and put it all out there, or is that too desperate? I am desperate for the truth, not for a boyfriend…(I get asked out all the time), but there is just something about this guy that has captured my attention.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,

Dear AJ,

Thanks for your question.

Typically if a guy doesn’t take the initiative to move a “relationship” forward we would say he’s probably not interested. However in your case, since it is a long distance situation, that maxim doesn’t apply.

How confident do you think this guy is? From our point of view it’s hard to say. Sure, he might be savvy via text and email but that doesn’t mean he feels comfortable closing the deal. And when you factor in your work connection, he may be at a loss on the best way to proceed.

When a guy asks a woman to marry him he’s usually pretty certain that she’ll say yes. A non sequitur? Not really. Because some guys want this same level of certainty even before they ask a girl out on a date. (Think high school) Maybe their ego can’t handle rejection? Either way, this particular type of guy needs some help. Your guy may fall into this group.

We agree with your guy friends. We don’t think he’d be wasting his time for this long unless he was interested in you in some way. But if that’s true we can also see why you’re confused. You’re probably wondering, ‘What is taking him so long? Why is he not asking me out? What’s his deal?’ And that’s why we understand where your girlfriends are coming from too. He’s a bit of a mystery.

So here’s what we think. This guy needs you to be the one to take the risk. Of course, really, what is the risk? Rejection? Embarrassment? Those are only risks for a person who lacks inner strength. Sure it’s never fun to be rejected, but what’s the worst that can happen here? Not much really. You feel crappy for a bit and then you move on. But at least you’ll get the information you’re seeking.

However, we don’t think you should write him a “tell all” letter. Just let him know you’re interested in more than a text/IM relationship. You could drop hints, but why be ambiguous? Tell him directly that you find him intriguing and let him know you’d be open if he wanted to arrange a visit, etc.

But DON’T do the asking yourself. He’s got to take some initiative. You’re basically doing 90% of the work here anyway. If he can’t do the last 10% then he’s not who you think he is.

Good luck. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here as well. And please also keep us posted. You’ve piqued our curiosity. We want to know how this turns out.

THE GUYS

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Divorced woman w/ children dating bachelors in their 40s

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

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Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Guys,

I’m 41 and have been divorced a year . I have two girls ages 7 & 5. Following my divorce I had a relationship with a man who was 43 and never married. That relationship lasted 10 months.

When we broke up my next “fix up” from friends was basically the same guy only he was 40. The first relationship was actually a relationship, but it was obvious he wouldn’t get too close. He lived an hour away so we only saw each other abaout 1-2x a week. The second one lives in my town and has evolved into a “friends with benefits” relationship.

Do all men in their 40s who have never been married have similar relationship issues? Should I simply run from them all? It just seems that is a sign that they aren’t cut out for relationships.

Camille

Dear Camille,

Thanks for your question.

These two guys you’re describing—two guys in their 40s who have never been married—probably behaved exactly the same way when they were in their 20s. Meaning if you had met these two guys twenty years ago you may have had a very similar experience with both of them. And back then, the experience might have even been more frustrating because you would have wondered why they were having commitment issues, and then you’d likely start to question what was wrong with you.

What we’re saying is there are just as many guys in their 20s who are not looking for a committed relationship than in their 40s. But when those particular guys are in their 20s they are mixed in with all the other single guys, so they tend to blend in. By the time the 40 year mark comes around, many guys are married or in long term relationships, which leaves the perpetual single guys to stand out more.

We will admit that this particular demographic is less likely to be looking for a long term relationship, or marriage. But we wouldn’t necessarily characterize them as having “relationship issues.”

What are the reasons a guy might still be single in his 40s?

1. He wants to be single.

2. He is emotionally unavailable. Translation: Self-centered.

3. He doesn’t want the burden of kids. Or family.

4. He is constantly looking for a younger, better looking woman.

5. The opposite gender does not find him attractive. (Could mean physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually)

6. He is very shy.

7. Just hasn’t met the one yet. But wants to.

8. His very serious long term relationship didn’t work out. (The woman had commitment “issues.” Or was emotionally unavailable.)

9. Divorced.

10. Widower

And if each of these groups represents a percentage of the whole, it’s obvious which guys will be interested in a serious relationship and which won’t. And, if our calculations are correct—hold on we’re getting our calculator out…just a moment—that means that around 50% of guys in their 40s would be good possibilities for you to date. (You might need to expand your dating circle a bit.)

Our advice: When you meet someone new take it slow. Talk to them as much as possible and see where their head’s at. Relationships tend to progress faster when people are a little older, so you need to be aware of this and consciously slow things down.

We hope this helps.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section. And we’ll respond here. Also feel free to ask us any specific questions as they arise.

THE GUYS

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I like a gay guy; what do I do?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Hi Guys,

I’m a freshman girl in college. I’ve never had a boyfriend and never dated anyone. I think the reason I’m still single is because I’m kind of shy and quiet and I rarely hang out with guys. However, I’m very involved on campus.

A couple of months ago I became friends with a cute and smart guy in the same student organization and he was very open about his sexual orientation. He is the perfect friend that anyone can have. He’s funny, charming, smart, and I can hang out with him and even talk about boys!

At first, we were good friends and hung out a lot, but lately I’ve been feeling uncomfortable and a bit jealous when he talks about another guy. He’s very popular so he probably considers me no more special than any other friend. I’m usually the one to invite him out and rarely the other way around. I miss him when I can’t see him for a day. I think about him all the time. I eventually realize that I like him more than a friend. I also notice that sometimes I try to look attractive around him or try to keep him entertained. I know it’ll always be platonic but I really don’t know what I should do.

Can you please help me?

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question.

Well this is exciting for you. No, not the fact that you like someone who is unavailable to you, but the fact that you’ve entered into a new realm. You’re having an awakening, which comes with a myriad of new emotions and feelings, some wonderful and some confusing.

You said yourself, you’ve never had a boyfriend or dated anyone, but in a way this guy is your first, because he’s inadvertently helped you come out of your shell. Without knowing it, he’s opened you up to a new world of queasy stomachs, butterflies and crushes.

We suggest you focus less on your feelings for him—he’s not going to change his sexual orientation—and start being open to meeting other interesting and smart guys, for which there are plenty.

Try to enjoy the friendship with this guy without trying to get him to notice you in other ways. And since he is so popular and knows so many people, maybe he’ll be the one to introduce you to someone else who you find just as exciting and cool. Keep doing what you’re doing. Say yes to invitations, join other organizations, and keep yourself open to new possibilities. This is all good.

Please leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section. And keep us posted. We’d love to hear how things are going with you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

He’s at a different college and in a fraternity; but does my ex still love me?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Office relationship problem

Hello Guys,

A few years ago, this guy and I started dating. The relationship was great. We never argued or fought; we just got along great together. We were very affectionate, caring, and had fun together. We loved each other a lot, but we broke up when he decided to move out of state to live with his other parent. I didn’t want to have a long distance relationship and neither did he.

He ended up moving back and after a few months I decided to give him another shot even though I was still hurting. But I ended it after a while because it just wasn’t the same and I was still hurting.

Now, we have been talking again for a couple months and he came and spent Thanksgiving with my family. We stayed the night together and some things happened physically but not sex. It was really nice. But over the course of these months that we’ve been talking he hooked up with one girl and kissed another. He blames it on being in a fraternity. Is he just playing with my emotions or does he really care?

Because of us living in different cities we do not want a relationship. But it is possible that I might be able to transfer to the same college. Which he even said he wished I went there so that we could hang out more. He has quite a few friends that are girls and I’m worried that he has been lying to me about not doing anything with them.

My family loves him and was glad to hear that he was coming to spend the week of Thanksgiving with me. He was always playing with my hair, holding my hand, kissing my forehead, rubbing my shoulders and feet. Every night we would fall asleep in each other’s arms. Is he just doing all this for the physical stuff or does he care or love me still? Please help me to understand what is going on because I don’t want him to hurt me again. I feel like I know him but I’m not so sure.

Thanks,

Miranda

Dear Miranda,

Thanks for your question.

It seems as if he still has feelings for you. But guys are all over the place at that age. We’re assuming you’re both around 19 or 20 and in college, which means he’s surrounded by temptation everywhere he goes. It takes a strong and very focused “boy” to be able to commit to a long distance relationship while living in the type of environment he’s living in. (We know that wasn’t specifically your question, but we’re getting there.)

The singular goal of most fraternities is to get as many girls coming through the door as they can. Which makes the temptation element even more heightened. We’re not saying this an excuse for a guy in a committed relationship to cheat. It’s absolutely not. But it certainly gives fraternity guys incentive to NOT be in a committed relationship.

As far as you transferring schools. We don’t recommend transferring because of this guy. If you truly think the school is a better match for your academic pursuits then by all means transfer. But if you’re changing schools because of this guy we don’t think that’s the greatest idea. Why? Because it means you’re the one putting the effort into trying to make this relationship work. He gets to stay at his college, be a fraternity boy, and have you come to “hang out.” And even if you do transfer there are no guarantees of anything working out. But of course, you have to make your own decision on that.

But having said that, we do think there is hope for this relationship. You’ve been close for a long time, and it’s obvious you care about one another. Even after you’ve broken up you’ve stayed in touch in one way or another. So we think this is a timing issue. Right now you’re both in college, exploring new opportunities and new experiences, as you should be. We think if you stay in touch, see each other when you can, maybe in a few years the two of you will reunite. We’ve seen this happen many times before.

However, we’re not saying you should pining away for him. In order for any type of reunion to happen—getting back together—you need to be open to meeting new people. You need to be out there dating and enjoying the single life. You need to be open to meeting someone else new. And who knows, maybe you’ll be surprised and meet someone else who is amazing?

But either way, if you’re not out doing these things, and he is, you’ll only feel resentful if the two of you do decide to give your relationship another shot.

We hope this gives you some insight into what’s going on. Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. Or a follow up question if you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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My slip keeps showing; Is this causing an office relationship problem?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Guys,

I have been working as secretary to the managing director of a small firm in the UK for six weeks. I always wear a half slip under my dress for comfort and modesty but I have become aware of him watching me when reaching up to the top of high cabinets or when bending over low office furniture. Both of these moves cause my slip to show below my dress, although it does not normally show at other times.

Friday last week I made a bad choice of slip and was told once or twice by other girls as I walked round the office my slip was showing. Friday during lunchtime I took some paperwork to my bosses desk for a signature and after looking me up down he asked if I would join him for lunch. I accepted but was not completely comfortable with the arrangement. Lunch went well and he said that I had settled into the job well and enjoyed me being around. Walking back to his car from the restaurant he whispered to me that my slip was showing again. I felt embarrassed and said I was sorry but had put the wrong slip on in the morning. He said I shouldn’t worry; he said my slips are always very pretty and make me look very feminine.

Now I have never come up against this before. A friend has told me that some men do have a thing about ladies slips. My slips are very ordinary and are either white or cream for work. I try to look smart.

So from a guy’s point of view how do I stop this situation from developing further?

Regards. I’m worried.

Tina

Dear Tina,

Thanks for your question.

We’ve seen this situation before. You’re a woman trying to be a hard working, responsible employee and your male colleague—or in your case, your male boss—starts giving you looks, and then starts hitting on you. We acknowledge the difficulty here, and the frustration. The woman—you—says to herself: Why can’t guys treat me with more respect? Why do they keep objectifying me? Why can’t they just leave me alone and let me do my job? Why do I have to change MY behavior to get men to stop leering at me?

And you’d be right on all acounts. Even guys who try to be respectful are still guys. They might not be as obvious, but believe us the “good guys” are looking at you too. Guys are just wired to notice. And guys are wired to pursue.

Here’s the good news and the bad news: This has less to do with your slip and more to do with the fact that your boss finds you attractive in general. The “slip issue” might be adding fuel to the fire, but even if you were wearing something more demure, eventually he’d be asking you to lunch, and more. And of course this puts you in the uncomfortable position of either agreeing to his advances or possibly jeopardizing your job security by declining his invitations. (Hopefully it won’t ever get to that point.)

So what do we suggest?

We realize that you probably can’t change your wardrobe completely. The boss might take notice and wonder why you’re all of sudden sporting a new look—he would already know the answer but pretend he didn’t—which might cause some awkward tension between the two of you. But you might need to make a few adjustments and mix in some even more modest clothes to send a message that you are there to do work. (We know you already are, but guys are very literal when it comes to these issues.)

We’re not women’s designers, but isn’t there some sort of slip that you could wear that wouldn’t show when you reach up to those high shelves or low cabinets? We’d recommend looking into that. And then maybe try some stylish pantsuits? Or longer dresses? Less revealing tops, dresses? (Once again we can see how annoying this might be to have to spend more money on clothes.)

Also, you might want to make it clear you have a boyfriend. Maybe put a picture on your desk of the two of you? Something subtle but clear. If you don’t have one, get one of your good looking guy friends to pose with you. And then look for ways to tell everyone of your plans for weekends without making it obvious you’re addressing your boss. (Guys always know when a woman drops “her boyfriend” into a conversation, even if they know this guy could be made up. And some guys take offense if they think you are speaking to them directly, so make sure he’s not the only one in the audience.)

We also had another thought about this. We saw an episode of Californication where one of the female characters—who happens to be a Hollywood Actress in the episode—says, “The key to getting work in this town is to make all the male directors and producers think they have a chance to sleep with you, even if they don’t.” This is so true in that context, but a VERY difficult line to walk. We’re not sure how it applies to you, but it seems there’s always a bit of flirting going on even amongst colleagues who are in committed relationships. You are probably much more savvy when it comes to this than we are, but we can see you’re going to have to figure out how to walk this delicate line.

In conclusion, you need to do what’s comfortable for you. If the situation becomes unbearable, you could always approach senior management and see if they can help you resolve the issue. (Although in a small firm, there often is no upper management.) Or you could leave the job, which we don’t recommend, unless you leave with some sort of compensation. (Big compensation)

Hopefully this gives you a few perspectives to consider moving forward.

Unless something major has transpired since you wrote to us, we don’t see this situation as something that can’t be nipped before it goes any further.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section. And/or a question. And we’ll respond here as well.

THE GUYS

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Is this an Online Romance or an Online Booty Call?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Hi Guys,

So here’s the story. I met a guy online about a month and a half ago. We get along great and there is chemistry =) that I will not deny. But I have two problems:

1. Sometimes I feel like this guy is only in it for the sex. And by sex I don’t mean, I’m having cybersex with him. We talk on voice, and he masturbates while we do, and he isn’t afraid to show it either. He has been doing this since day one. He hasn’t asked me to do it and says he will never ask me for sexual favors over the internet. When I confront him, and say that this is all about sex for him, he gets angry over the fact that I doubt his intentions and he says that he feels sexually about me, only because he has feelings for me and cares about me. (I’m not sure if that makes any sense). Some of my guy friends have said that this guy could just be a very sexual person, others say that he’s definitely just killing time, cause if a guy truly liked a grl, he wouldnt be doing things like this.

2. My second problem is that this guy tends to vanish for days and sometimes 1-2 weeks without a word. I leave him an offline every 4-5 days and he doesn’t reply. And just when I’ve let go of hope that he’s coming back, he shows up again!! When I ask him, he tells me he’s been busy with work and doesn’t find time to come online and that he’s really, really sorry. Okay, maybe I should cut him some slack and assume he really is busy with work… but how hard is it to leave me an offline every couple of days? Or is that asking for too much? By the way, the longest he’s disappeared for has been 2 weeks straight.

Other random facts about this mess of a relationship: He talks about the future a lot. I’ve been told that’s a good thing. He has even brought up marriage. And he often says “when we’re married…..etc.” We live really far apart from each other, and that’s why this is so complicated for me, because it’s hard for me to know if he’s for real or not, cause I haven’t met him in person yet.

All I want to know is: Am I wasting my time on something that’s not worth it? And please ignore the pessimism in my message, I’m trying not to let it ruin the guy’s image, but truth be told I’m probably one of the most cynical people, when it comes to love and romance.

Thanks for taking the time to read and answer this. I appreciate it!

Jenna,

Dear Jenna,

Thanks for your question.

It’s hard for you to know what this guy’s true intentions are until you actually spend time together, face-to-face. But right now it’s all just “talk” on his part. Honestly Jenna, we don’t love what we see here. You’ve known this guy for 6 weeks and he masturbates during your conversations, and has since day one? And then he says he’s not just interested in sex? Who is this guy?

We typically don’t tell people what to do, but we’re going to have to say a big NO for this situation. This is not the kind of guy you want to get involved with. If he truly liked you, he’d want to get to know you; which means he’d be trying to figure out how to get together with you in person so he could learn more about who you truly are, rather than some fantasy talk about getting married down the road. This is the kind of situation that worries us about online dating in general, and raises many red flags.

Jenna, we don’t think you’re really okay with what’s going on here, or that this is the kind of relationship you truly want. We don’t get that sense from you.

Sure, guys love sex. (And it’s a good thing if a guy really wants to have sex with you.) But the fact that this guy unabashedly masturbates to your voice tells us he’s not interested in having sex with you specifically. If that were the case, once again, he’d be trying to figure out how to see you in person. (Actions speak much louder than words.) No, this guy is solely interested in the masturbation aspect of this. We wouldn’t be surprised if he’s doing this with other people too, especially since he disappears for days at a time. Sorry, we don’t mean to bum you out, but we can’t get on board with this at all.

Here’s our cynical side: We doubt he’s representing himself accurately. He could be anyone or anybody. And nobody we’d trust. We don’t see a future here with this man.

Here’s our positive side: We know there are a lot of great guys out there for you to meet. Don’t settle for this guy. You deserve to have someone who loves and respects you. Great sex will be part of that when it happens.

Good luck. We’re pulling for you, and only are being tough out of concern for you.

Please feel free to leave us a follow up comment and/or question. (Here in the comments section. We will respond here.)

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Does this older guy like me?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Dear Guys,

Ok, so I’m 15 year old and I like this guy that just graduated from my highschool. He is a freshman in college now. We both are interested in volleyball and I guess whenever he isn’t in school, at work, or doing volleyball, he comes to help out our varsity team. I see him like 2-3 times a week. I can sort of tell he is into me but I’m not sure. He helps me out a lot when I’m stuck on something and is very supportive. (More supportive than he is to the other girls)

For example: We recently had a home game and it was an important one, too. It was towards the end of the game and the coach called a timeout. And during the timeout this guy got me a cup of water and said, “You’re tired but don’t worry about that. Just push through it.” But I didn’t really catch on to what he did until after the game and then that’s when it hit me. LOL!

He smiles or laughs sometimes whenever I trip or make a corny joke. Or he just says “stop” but in a jokingly way. He watches me a lot too and tells me what I’m doing wrong so I can fix it.

Should I try talking to him? Because everytime we DO talk it’s abut volleyball. But I also don’t want to distract him from his college stuff. UGHHH! I don’t know if he is just being friendly or what, but I need to have something to go off of here!

Sooo, does he like me?

Tay

Dear Tay,

Thanks for your question.

So being 15 years old makes you either a freshman or sophomore in high school, right? And this guy is a freshman in college so he’s likely 18 going on 19, right? We’re just trying to get the facts straight. Because in addition to your question, we also feel we need to address the age disparity.

From what you describe we would say that yes, he likes you, or at least that he’s attracted to you. But he’s in a funny position. Not only is he the “assistant coach” to your volleyball team, but he’s an older, and legal guy, who’s possibly interested in a younger girl, who’s underage. We’re not saying you should feel weird about this, or that he’s creepy. In a few years, a three to four year age difference won’t even be a consideration. But right now it’s kind of a big deal, and honestly there’s no way he can really pursue you beyond a friendship. And he shouldn’t really.

Have you watched our video on dating older guys? It’s a little snarky but it’s all true. You should check it out. And have your friends check it out as well.

We also don’t think it’s a good idea for you to pursue him at this point. We think you should just keep doing what you’re doing. Be friendly, or be friends with him. Enjoy each other’s company when you see him and maybe keep the lines of communication open with him. If he’s still in the picture in a few years(when you’re 18 or so), maybe you can explore something then. Relationships are as much about love and attraction as they are about timing. The timing isn’t quite right here Tay.

We hope this wasn’t too discouraging for you. We try to be as positive and supportive as we can, but it’s even more important for us to be honest and straightforward.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Long Distance: I hardly know him, but I’m willing to give it a go

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

________________________

Hi Guys,

About five months ago I met a guy and we ended our night together. It was supposed to be a one night stand because we live in different countries and he was in my town only for one night. But before he left he asked for my e-mail.

We started writing e-mails which got longer every time. For example he sent me a letter one week; I replied to him the next week and he replied the week after and so on.

I tried to keep my feet on the ground and stay realistic because I thought we wouldn’t see each other, but then he said he would love to meet me again.

Finally, two months later he said that he might come to my town for a day or two. At the same time I kind of won a free ticket to his town. So I went there instead.

While I was there, he was so caring and sweet with me. When we were walking around in the city, he held my hand, hugged me in the metro, kissed while we were waiting for the traffic lights to turn green etc. Of course we had sex, too. All this time I felt how much he cared about me.

I stayed there for three days. Some hours before my departure I started to cry several times. I know, so silly of me, but I couldn’t do anything about it. He understood why I was crying and handled the situation well. I said “I’m sorry” and he said there’s no need for me to apologize for that.

When I was back in my town, I sent him an e-mail and said that I enjoyed the weekend a lot and he said he enjoyed it a lot too. After that I didn’t hear from him for a week. Meanwhile I moved to another country because of foreign studies.

I was so surprised that he didn’t wish me a nice trip or even ask how I was doing. And I wrote him an e-mail and said that everything was so nice while I was in his town and I asked him why he hardly contacts me. I wondered out loud if I got the wrong impression from him. He replied immediately and said that I didn’t get the wrong impression and that he likes me a lot, but he’s been very busy at school.

We still send e-mails to each other but he doesn’t say sweet things to me anymore. He’s just friendly and nice, but that’s all.

I don’t want to ask him what he thinks about me and the situation because right now there’s not much potential for a relationship. First off, it would definitely be a long-distance relationship. Second of all, we have only seen each other twice. (The first evening and then our weekend). And third, at the moment we haven’t seen each other for two months and won’t be able to meet again before three months. And I don’t know if he still wants to meet me then.

I know that you know only my version of this story—I tried to put in as little emotions as possible in order to give a good overview of the situation–but I want to meet him again. I would expect him to come to visit me this time, but if he asked me to go and visit him, I would also go.

But I can’t invite myself to his place. Besides I think that if a man really likes a woman, then he should do everything possible to see her. What should I do? Wait for him to visit me or ask me to visit him? Or bring up the subject myself?

I understand perfectly that it wouldn’t be normal to have a relationship, especially a long-distance relationship when we hardly know each other. But I would be ready to give it a try.

I also know that you can’t answer this question, but what do you think, does he want to be just friends with me or something more?

Thanks!

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Thanks for your question.

We understand what you’re asking, but it’s hard to know exactly what this guy is thinking. But we can talk about your situation in the context of long distance relationships in general.

A long distance relationship requires even more effort and more communication than a typical relationship where two people live in the same town or city. Both people need to be 100% on board or they just don’t work.

Your guy seems genuine enough. From what you describe he’s been pretty sweet to you overall. But it also sounds like he’s busy, and either can’t think about much else besides school, or doesn’t want to get involved in a relationship that he doesn’t see as having a future. A long distance relationship is supposed to be a atemporary arrangement as the two people work toward being together in the same location at some point down the road—sooner rather than later. If both parties don’t have that goal in mind then eventually the relationship will fizzle out.

For some guys, a long distance relationship is the perfect situation, especially if they can work it so they don’t have to communicate that often. For these guys a long distance relationship means getting to do what they want most of the time, and then having a woman visit for a “booty call.”

You say you don’t want to say anything to this guy, but you’re probably going to have to at some point if you want answers. We agree that if you tell him how you feel it could end the relationship. But by the same token, is that worse or better than being in the situation you’re in right now? Your gut is telling you something has changed. You’re worried that he really only sees you as a friend now. So instead of fretting about this, and living in a cloud of uncertainty, why don’t you just talk to him?

We agree that he should be the one taking the initiative. He should be the one suggesting visits and coming to see you. Sure, he might be open to having you come to see him, but that doesn’t mean he wants to be in a serious relationship with you. You need to find out from him what he wants. You need to hear him say whether or not he wants to give this a go.

We feel the same way you do about relationships. It’s hard to find someone special. And since you feel like you have, we understand why you want to explore it further. We wish you the best of luck. Please keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Hey Guys,

So there’s this guy that I’ve known since 3rd grade and we’ve always been really close. He wanted to date me our freshman year in high school but got too scared that it would ruin our friendship and never asked me out. (He still doesn’t know to this day that I know about this.)

I left after sophomore year when we were 16/17 to move to Boston to become a dancer and now I live in NYC. This past summer I came home. It was three years since I last saw him. (We’re now both 20.) When I saw him this summer we caught up hung out a couple times and we ended up sleeping together. I left to come back to NYC in september and we’ve been texting ever since.

Now he’s coming to visit. I’m really nervous and I’m wondering if he’s just coming to the city to see the sites and get laid. Or is he actually coming also to see me? I’m from AZ and he still lives there now so it cost a lot for him to buy a plane ticket to come up here. (He even had to borrow money from his dad.)

Does he actually like me and want to see me or is he just excited to come to the city and possibly getting laid is the icing on the cake? To me, spending all that money and getting off work and stuff says something. But maybe I’m just being a hopeful girl. Also could it turn into something more? I know long distance relationships are hard, but would a guy really be willing to do that? I’m so nervous and confused right now. Please help!

Brittany

Dear Brittany,

Thanks for your question. We can see that you’re nervous. That’s pretty normal. You like this guy and would like to see if things can progress beyond a physical relationship. And of course you hope he feels the same way.

It’s hard to say exactly what his motivation for visiting you is. Sex will absolutely be part of his expectation for the trip. His drive to have sex is so intertwined with his excitement to come see you that he’s probably having difficulty separating the two himself. In fact it’s likely he doesn’t even know exactly what’s driving him, and he won’t know until after the two of you have been intimate. (If that’s what you decide to do, which is up to you of course.)

Assuming you decide to sleep with him, pay careful attention to how he acts right AFTER you have sex—especially the first time. And by “right after” we mean, RIGHT AFTER and for the next 8 hrs. (Meaning, until his libido kicks back in. It’s different for every guy.) If he’s distant, or acts differently, you’ll know he’s probably driven mainly by his interest in sex. If he still is happy to be with you, and wants to go out on the town with you, hold your hand, and spend time with you beyond the confines of your bedroom then you’ll know he’s got more on his mind than getting in your pants.

These next four paragraphs are just general information about guys Brittany. They are for your information and for all of the other women who might be reading this.

Some women believe that making a guy wait for sex is the way you get them to commit. And this may be true for the short term. If a guy wants to have sex with a woman he will do whatever it takes to make it happen, which means acting sweet, giving her presents, and doing all the things that his woman might like him to do. But a guy is still waiting to make his final evaluation until after he has sex with a woman. Meaning, the way he acts BEFORE sex does not determine how he’ll be AFTER sex. For a guy, sex is often needed for him to make a conscious decision about moving forward or not.

But this is tricky. You also can’t secure a guy’s love through sex. So sleeping with a guy to get him to love you or commit to you, will also not work. And in many cases it will push him away. It’s a fine and mysterious balance. We don’t have all the answers.

Finally, wanting sex all the time is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, having a healthy sex life with your partner is a very important piece of an overall healthy relationship. But both parties need to be giving in the bedroom as well. If your guy is not giving in the bedroom this will be a strong indicator of how he is in everyday life.

Bottom line: You have to do what’s comfortable for you. Every relationship is different. But you should never be pressured into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Go with your gut.

Enough on that topic. Moving on.

Yes, guys are willing to try a long distance relationship Brittany. You’ve probably heard that guys are incapable of being faithful in this type of relationship but that’s a crock of crap. It’s just an excuse for guys to be selfish and do whatever they please. Many guys are loyal and faithful. So don’t let that stop you if you believe you and this guy have a chance for something more.

Our advice: Take it slow. Keep your eyes open. Trust your gut. Introduce him to your friends. Listen to your friends’ opinions. And talk to him. Sure we know most people don’t want to show their hand, but in order for a long distance relationship to have any chance at all, it requires a ton of communication from both parties. And when you’re apart, texting is okay, but phone conversations or Skype are best.

Feel free to give us an update and ask us a follow up question. Leave your question in the comments section of this post.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Dating my ex’s friend: Friends with benefits

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

Are we “friends with benefits” or does he want something more?

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

This is kind of a long story but I really need some guys’ opinions on this. Most women can rate their friends in their life and this boy is my 2nd best friend in the world. I would do anything for him. We knew of each other because of mutual affiliations but didn’t become friends until I started dating his friend. During the time I dated his ex we became close friends. But after being with my ex for 4 years—with all of us being part of the same circle—the break up kinda made things weird between the whole group.

Now for the hard part. This guy and I have always been very attracted to each other and are super comfortable and trusting of each other. A couple of months after my break up the sexual tension between us became overwhelming and things started happening. We would both try to stay away from each other but we attend the same university and see each other every day so that was really hard to do. I feel horrible because I don’t want to get between him and his friend (my ex) and he feels guilty about it. But whenever we see each other it’s really hard to keep things platonic. And as if that wasn’t bad enough I’m scared that these feelings are going to morph into romantic ones especially when he has started saying and doing some really sweet things. (And I really like him) And even though these thoughts don’t occur often, every so often they will pop up. He has expressed that he wants me not just because of my body but because it’s me. Things have been normal between us despite all sexual relations and none of our other friends have noticed anything yet. He is too important of a friend for me to lose. I want to stop because I don’t want to cause problems between our groups of friends but I do not want to stop at the same time.

I hate drama but “OMG” I love how this boy makes me feels and it’s getting harder to control this. And I’m also curious about how he feels about me, but I’m way too scared to ask. I don’t know what to do.

Please any kind of advice will help.

Flora

Dear Flora,

Thanks for your question.

You’d be surprised; this type of situation happens more than you might think. And it makes sense in some ways. When people spend a lot of time together intimacy happens. This intimacy can be the friend variety, it can be the romantic variety, or it can be something in between. While you were dating your ex you were also getting to know this guy and forming a strong bond with him. You can’t help it that he happened to be good looking too. So what we’re saying is, you should stop beating yourself up over this. Sure you might feel guilty, but this makes perfect sense, and we see nothing wrong in you wanting a relationship with your ex’s friend now that the two of you have broken up.

However, we’re not so sure if it makes perfect sense for your “friend.” He stands to lose more than you if the two of you are “found out.” (And we’re not so sure your friends and his friends don’t already suspect something’s going on between you. People can smell that kind of thing a mile away. No, we’re not being literal here, but we are being serious.) He will likely lose his friend (your ex) if the two of you continue to move forward. There’s a kind of an unwritten code between guys which states: Guys don’t date their best friend’s ex-girlfriends. And most of the time this isn’t difficult to abide by because most guys don’t like the idea of dating a woman their best friend has had sex with. However, like we said before, it happens more than people might think. So basically your “friend” has some serious thinking to do. He is going to have to make a choice between you or his friend (your ex), unless your ex is one of those super understanding guys. We don’t know any ourselves. (Side note: Sometimes after a very long period of time it’s okay to date a friend’s ex. This would be years though.)

Back to you.

If you are really into this guy we don’t see anything wrong with seeing where it goes. Because if you don’t, you’re always going to wonder what would or could have happened. And there’s nothing worse than regret in this life. We’re not guaranteeing it’s going to work out for you, and we’re not guaranteeing it’s not going to get messy or even ugly. But on the flipside if it does work out into a long term romantic partnership—that sounds so formal, but you know what we mean—then it will all be worth it. If it doesn’t work out, you can at least feel good that you took a chance on love.

But this all comes down to communication. You need to tell your “friend” how you feel and what you want. He’s not a mind reader. And based on what you say he very well might feel the same way about you. See what his reaction is and see what his take on the situation is. If the two of you decide to move forward with a more serious commitment you might want to think about calling your ex, or meeting with him, and explaining the new situation. (Yes, this will be hard and not necessarily pretty, but at least he’ll hear it from your mouth.) Your friend might want to do the same, although we wouldn’t want to be present for that. (Just kidding…kind of.) In general we think it’s best to be open and honest with the people in your life.

But what you shouldn’t do is continue what you’re doing now. If you’re not going to be serious about this relationship you should stop the “friends with benefits” thing immediately. In the end that’s not going to be good for anyone involved, especially you.

Good luck. Feel free to leave us a follow up comment, or ask us a follow up question. (In the comments section here)

THE GUYS

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Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)