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Dear Guys,
Well I thought I would just sit on this for a few days but now I think I will ask for your advice.

So about three years ago I met a guy, and it turned out we had a lot of common friends and have some of the same interests. We are compatible on so many levels but on others we aren’t. We had a lot of attraction and finally we ended up hooking up. (We are both 29.)

It went on for a few months until he suddenly ended it. (I was moving away for work for four months and that was known to both parties.) He called me one day and said what we were doing wasn’t a good idea and that we should just be friends. I tried to act cool and moved away.

When I moved back I texted him and he called me and I never called him back. Then we ran into each at an event four months later. (This was eight months after we ended whatever we were doing.) It was clear we were still attracted to each other and started hooking up together again.

He kept asking me to hang out. I resisted and told him I didn’t want to date. HE wanted to date; he came over and said it right to my face. I told him i didnt want anything serious. He has never had a serious girlfriend and I think he might freak out and end it out of fear of getting too emotional. (He’s not experienced in the relationship department.) So I told him I just wanted to avoid it. But then he didn’t want to just hookup with NSA(No Strings Attached).

Over Christmas a friend of mine asked me about him. I told him we are just friends with a lot of sexual tension. I texted him that night and told him we have to go for dinner and catch up soon and that I missed him.

We have remained friends, just a few texts here and there. If we end up at the same place we chat, catch up and leave it at that. But there is always an awkward goodbye. So it went from him ending it to me ending it. I have tried to keep it NSA with him and I actually would like a relationship like this with him. He is a player and I know that completely. When he wanted to date me this summer, I told him he really hurt me the first time he ended it with me, the summer before.

We both lead crazy busy lives, and to be honest I’m not looking for a intense relationship right now. I don’t hookup with random guys so in my mind he’s ideal to have a defined NSA with. Is this even possible?

This weekend he texted me after a hockey game, telling me to come out with his friends. (The typical “we are friends come hang out text.”) I told him to have fun and be safe. He then said you should pick me up. I said, no I shouldn’t. I think he was really surprised, and he said please come get me. I asked if he was stranded or was speaking code. It was the latter.

I know we will be at the same event in the next month. When we are in the same room together it’s unspoken that we will be together later. I have never been in something like this before. I don’t understand it. It feels like total dysfunction, but I keep feeling drawn to him and missing him. I usually just ignore my feelings but the chemistry is like nothing I have ever had.

If I do contact him when and what should I say? I just feel like we are always on different pages. I want the same page. How do I get there?

Dealing with Crazy Guys

Dear Dealing with Crazy Guys,

Thanks for your question.

On the one hand you say you just want a NSA relationship with him, and on the other hand you say are drawn to him, miss him, and have chemistry with him that you haven’t ever had before. So which is it?

It seems that you’re really into this guy, but you’re scared he might hurt you again and that’s why you don’t want to explore it further. (We realize he’s a player.) But from where we’re sitting it seems like the only reason he broke up with you in the first place was because you were leaving town. And is it possible that since you were leaving, neither of you let your guard down enough to really explore what a relationship might feel like with the other person?

It seems to us if you could somehow start over with this guy, push reset, you might have a chance to really have a great relationship. Because it’s obvious that the two of you have a connection, even more than just sexual chemistry. But in order to move forward one of you needs to take a leap of faith. And frankly, it’s probably going to have to be you since you seem to be the one who’s unsure right now.

Women often say, “Once a player, always a player.” And that may be true to a certain degree but there’s one caveat. Sometimes a guy is a player until he finds the person he’s looking for. It’s true that guys don’t always know what they are looking for, but they do know when they’re with someone who isn’t it. (Hope that makes sense.) He’s 29, so maybe he’s ready to move from being a player to a serious guy?

We think you need to go on some proper dates with this guy, almost as if you had just met. Why not start by inviting him for coffee or lunch, far removed from the nighttime events where you normally meet up? That way you can really get to know each other on a different level. You’ll really be able to find out who the other person is. And maybe this will make you more comfortable. After that, see if he’ll take the reigns from there and take you out to dinner, or the movies, or a museum, or a hike, or a show, or whatever. You don’t have to jump right into a serious relationship, but you do need to clear your head and figure out what you truly want. We recommend staying away from the bedroom for a time because this will only serve to confuse you more.

We think you should give this a go. Stop being coy with him. (And hopefully he’ll do the same once he sees you might be interested.) Let yourself be open to possibilities. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Yes, he could reject you. And that will feel pretty crappy. But at least you won’t still be in a holding pattern, wondering what he’s thinking and what you should do. There’s nothing better than getting definitive answers. (As definitive as you can within a relationship.)

Keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section and we’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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Wooing at a distance

Dear Guys,

So long distance relationships are hard. I know that. What I’m asking about is something even harder— that is, trying to pique an interest from someone who you live far away from. I’m prepared to do what it takes, and I’m committed to going through with this, but I could do with some advice on how to approach the situation.

OK, some background: This girl was a childhood friend of mine, but about a decade ago she moved interstate. Strange as it may sound, from missing her then, I developed feelings for her.

Three years ago, I got to see her again, when we visited her family—we were family friends before they moved—and this confirmed how I felt. We got along well, and ended up staying in touch, though not all that frequently, as she’s a busy person. Anyway, telling her how I felt seemed premature—I figured it would make her uncomortable and only make things worse— so I tried to concentrate on becoming closer as friends and improving communication first. I had written a letter about this to send to her when I found out she now had a boyfriend.

That was just over a year ago, and I didn’t end up sending that letter. Anyway, it may not have been a good idea, but I told her I had feelings for her, and that I realized nothing could come of them given those circumstances but after being afraid of how she might react I realized I just wanted her to know. She actually reacted quite graciously, saying she appreciated my honesty and that she was more than happy to pursue a relationship as friends. Anyway, that went quite well, considering.

Almost two months ago she broke up with her boyfriend; on good terms(relatively speaking) from what I can tell. I waited a month, then told her that I was sorry she had to go through that and let her know that I was still interested, though I just wanted to be friends for the time being. She replied two weeks later, shortly after I asked whether she was busy or if something was wrong, as I’d tried to talk to her when I saw her online. She’d just been really busy, and said she wasn’t interested in entering a relationship for a long time. I apologized for any misconceptions and assured her that I was more than happy to just be friends for however long she needed, but that didn’t mean I was giving up on her.

This was almost a month ago, and she hasn’t replied since, which is starting to seem a bit long, even considering her busy life. Anyway, I’ve decided to wait a while longer, and in another month’s time I’ll message her if she still hasn’t replied. I expect you Guys will have had the time to answer this by then, and any advice on what I should and/or shouldn’t say is welcome. I’d also like to have an idea of how to continue from there: if at all possible. Any suggestions of a way I can get closer to her without crossing boundaries would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Zac

Dear Zac,

Thanks for your question.

Consistent communication from both parties is the key to a successful long distance relationship. But issues often arise because every person is different when it comes to how this actually “looks.” One person might need to talk every day to feel secure and connected, while the other person only wants to talk once a week. This usually causes one person to be upset and the other annoyed. From there, cracks start to appear in the foundation of the relationship, then insecurities grow, doubt looms and then a break up. Unless of course both people are very committed to making it work.

But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

From your note one question keeps jumping out at us. Are you sure this woman is interested in you romantically? Based on her sporadic communication, excuses about being busy, and her declaration that she is open to being friends with you, this doesn’t seem like a woman who wants a romantic relationship. What do you think?

To us this seems like your biggest challenge. Because it is possible to woo someone long distance as long as they are interested in some way. If this woman only sees you as a friend, it won’t matter what you do; your advances will fall flat and only make things more and more uncomfortable between the two of you.

Zac, we do believe in going for what you want. And we encourage you to try. But we’re not getting a solid vibe from her. (At least from what you say.) But if you really would like to explore this you need to be direct with her. Sending her gifts, or trying to be funny on some social networking site, or showing her how creative you are by writing a song or making a movie or whatever, is only going to creep her out, especially if she’s unsure about you.

Of course you don’t want to scare her away and tell her you love her either. We think the only way you’re going to be able to woo her is if you actually get together with her first, to remind her how cool of a guy you are. Because right now she’s not viewing you as a potential boyfriend, but more of a family friend.

So is there a way you could just be passing through her town? Or take a trip with a buddy—not your parents—and visit? Or is there a concert or some other event that could give you an excuse to not only visit where she lives, but invite her to as well?

We think this situation needs a jumpstart, and the best way to do that is face-to-face. If that goes well, then you’ll be able to figure out the long distance piece because she’ll then be open to it.

Leave us a comment and/or follow up question in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And let us know how this plays out. We hope it works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Readers,

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

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Does future career always trump future relationship?

Should I start an affair?

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Dear Readers,

This beautiful and honest piece was received as a comment to a recent relationship question/answer on our “Ask the Guys” page. The post was entitled, “Dating in my 20s as a single mother.” Also, read, “Will guys date single mothers?” for more information.

Thank you Sabrina for sharing your experiences.

THE GUYS

Dating in my 20s as a single mother by Sabrina

I can offer up the firsthand view and experience of dating in single motherhood…

I wanted to get married and start a family at a young age, and I did just that; less than a week after turning 18 I married my high school boyfriend of eight months. Almost two years into our marriage, I gave birth to our daughter, and by the time she was two and a half and just shy of our 4 year anniversary, we were divorced. Like Paul and The Guys above state, I was looking to fill a void. Not by having my daughter, but by having the whole ‘happy and complete’ family fantasy that I never had growing up. Of course it’s taken me many years to honestly see and admit that fact.

My dad wasn’t around like he should have been because he was military, and he was busy with other women behind my mothers’ back for the 17 years they were married. I love my dad, we are better now than we were when I was a kid, but he wasn’t the shining male example I should have had and it has caused me to fall for and accept men of similar, bad treatment towards the women they claim to love.

When I decided I deserved someone who truly wanted to be a husband and proper example of a man, I asked my husband for a divorce even though the worry crossed my mind about being so young and a single parent that no one would want the ‘baggage’ I would be carrying when dating again. I decided though that I would rather be happy and back on my own and most likely single for some time to come, than in a marriage that would never work. My advice is this;

As a single mother, the few men I have dated over the 5+ years I’ve been single now have been losers. The first I dated was very brief, only a couple months. He lied, met women behind my back, begged for a loan that he promised he’d pay back, and then took that loan and flew back to his hometown of Vegas.

After him, I ended up in an abusive relationship for four years with someone younger (you can never know the difficulty of leaving something as such until you experience it yourself, believe you me). When my daughter grew to an age where she could truly comprehend the difference between good and bad treatment, I finally got the courage to leave and set the example for my daughter —he was very good to her, but horrid to me—I booted him for good. It was one of the most difficult things to have her understand when he had been involved with us for so long; but when I was able to tell her and show her that when you love someone you are not cruel and unkind, she understood.

I have been so used to being with a man that I jumped from that relationship right into another who honestly DID seem to be what I had been missing. He professed love for my daughter and we integrated our lives quickly; I was convinced I had finally met ‘The One.’ We were together almost a year when last November he left me for his high school flame whom he never dated but always wondered ‘what if’ about when she relocated back over from Eastern Washington. My daughter and I were crushed. She’s almost 8, and damn it, I’m almost 30 and I’m tired of the games men keep playing. And that last one was even 30, so some men aren’t even mature and ready by their 30′s! It’s literally luck and chance of meeting the right person who means what they say and will forever stick around.

I’ve been refraining from dating until a new year since my ex left, and I’ve been surprisingly happy with the break. 20 is so young, and really, you are going to change so much over the next decade. I’m 27 and amazed at how my taste and desires have manifested over the years, and it’s taken all of my experiences to get it. Being a single mother is a rough road and being so young can make it feel like the end of the world and you’ll always be alone. But here’s the thing; you won’t. There are men who will be involved with a single mother, but unfortunately, a great deal of them will be wrong for you. You have to take your time with everything and approach relationships far more slowly and carefully now that you are one plus a little one. It’s going to feel like an eternity, and you’re going to feel lonely A LOT. But when the right man eventually makes his way into your life, the patience will all have been worth it.

Focus on you, living an amazing life, and be a shining example of a strong independent woman for your daughter. Mine asked me the other day if this year I was going to have a boyfriend. I giggled and looked at her with a grin on my face and said, ”Maybe, anything can happen. But you know what, if it happens, great, and if it doesn’t, then that’s okay too. When I’m supposed to be with the right person, it will happen, but right now, I’m very happy with how things are.” And I meant every word. Her response, “Right Mom, we are happy together!” I feel wonderful knowing my daughter is seeing and feeling such positiveness from my choices. Love/Relationships/Dating/Marriage is just a piece of the lives we live and lead, don’t let it be your all consuming focus. What’s meant to happen, will. Don’t give up hope, be strong, and know that good things come to those who deserve it :]

Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

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Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Are my sister’s actions inappropriate?

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The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

Hi Guys,

It seems like every time I meet or date someone my sister likes to form her own type of relationship with the person. Some of the guys are people I’m dating, others are just friends. (I don’t think she’s trying to date them though.) It starts out innocently enough with a few comments on Facebook and before I know it she has added them as a friend—most of the time she has never even met the person—which then leads to texting/phone and in some cases, hanging out. Sometimes she likes to hijack my phone and text them funny things pretending it’s from me. (Sometimes it is funny, but a lot of the time it’s not.)

This has happened on more than a few occasions…at least six or seven times. I feel like I’m being paranoid but I would never do something like that to her. I’ve been told I’m justified AND I’ve been told I’m jealous.

There is a eight year age gap between us—I am the oldest (33)of three and she is the youngest (25)—and we have always been close, but this really bothers me. Is this a line crosser? I don’t know how to approach her. The one time I did she got bent out of shape and mass deleted everyone on Facebook, saying she wasn’t allowed to be friends with my friends. And the one time I mentioned it to a guy I was told I was jealous.

I’m at a loss as to what to make of it. And, what to do.

Trish

Dear Trish,

Thanks for your question.

You’re in a funny position here. It’s obvious you care about your sister and you don’t want to do anything to damage your relationship, but at the same time you’d like her to stop. (Ahh, the complexity of sibling relationships!)

Rest assured, she is completely in the wrong. She is definitely crossing the line and she seems completely oblivious to this fact. Which says to us, whatever roles you established when the two of you were younger, are still playing out here. Meaning, you’re expected to be the mature and understanding older sister who puts up with her younger sister’s cute pranks. Maybe twenty years ago her antics were adorable, but now that you’re both adults, not so much anymore.

Sibling roles often last forever. Even after kids go off to establish their own lives—maybe getting married and having their own families—these same roles play out over and over during family get togethers and events. In order to break free from these roles it takes work and participation from both sides. Often, if issues arise, one sibling might try to move the relationship to a new place while the other sibling resists, which can cause a rift that can last a lifetime.

We don’t think a lifetime rift will happen in your case, but you are going to have to have a “sit down” with your sis. (This behavior isn’t going to stop on its own.) And this is where being the older sister will help you, because it’s clear she’s trying to get your attention. She’s flexing her adult muscles, demonstrating her power, and probably looking for your approval. Yes, she still wants to know that big sister is paying attention as she navigates the adult world. And of course on some level she’s also competing with you. What younger sibling doesn’t want to “beat” their older brother or sister in something?

What she doesn’t realize is that you’re treating her more as an equal now, someone who should know better. And this is how we might broach the topic. Tell her how much you care about her, but you also might want to flip things on her. Tell her that sometimes even older sis might need some support from younger sis. If she realizes that you in fact don’t have all the answers, maybe she’ll back off and realize she has crossed the line. Hopefully this new understanding will bring the two of you even closer.

However, this conversation may not go smoothly, and it is possible she will have a knee-jerk reaction and be angry for a time. But if you do it with sensitivity—even though she’s not being sensitive now—eventually she’ll understand her behavior is inappropriate.

And for Pete’s Sake, please hide your phone!

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a comment her in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

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Hey Guys,

I’ve been a habitual cheater since my first relationship two years ago. At the end of my last relationship—long distance— I went to parties and started hooking up with random guys. I felt terrible about it and admitted it to my boyfriend and it crushed him. I lost his trust and although he wanted to forgive me and keep going, I felt that our relationship would never be the same. So I ended it.

Not a single day goes by where I don’t think about him and what I did to him. The guilt never seems to fade.

The thing is, now I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a new guy for about 3 months now and I’ve also cheated on him. We jumped into the relationship about two weeks after we met at a party and I felt confident that I wouldn’t cheat on him because I felt so strongly about him. Yet I did. But that was about a month and half ago and I never told him about it and haven’t done it again because when I was in the moment of cheating I had an epiphany that I love my boyfriend and I don’t want anyone else. We’re so compatible and he tells me he loves me and that I’m the one. He is also the one for me. But when I talk to him, sometimes the guilt creeps up again and I have a conflicted urge to just tell him.

He says nothing I say or do could make him fall out of love with me, but this would break his heart and I’d lose his trust being so far away.

I’m afraid this feeling will always be lingering in the back of my mind. I plan on staying with him for a very long time. Should I tell him or keep it a secret?

Thank you in advance.

Meghan

Dear Meghan,

Thanks for your question.

Have you ever read the book, “Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky? Somehow your conundrum, and your feelings of guilt, remind us of the internal struggle of Raskolnikov, the main character in the book. No, you haven’t actually committed a crime, but clearly you have feelings of remorse for cheating that you’re trying to come to terms with.

Here is the true dilemma: If you stay with your new boyfriend and actually remain faithful from here on out, can you live with the knowledge that you were once unfaithful to him, even if he never finds out?

In a perfect world there would be no secrets between lovers, partners, and spouses. We’d all be open minded and accepting of each other’s imperfections and mistakes. We’d love each other just as we love our kids: unconditionally.

But alas, there is no perfect world, and our love typically bears the weight of many conditions—loyalty is one of them. You’re right when you suspect your boyfriend would no longer trust you if you told him of your indiscretions. Once trust is lost in a relationship it’s very difficult to get back. And it takes strength and courage from the person who was cheated on to forgive and try to move on. (Of course, remember that your last boyfriend seemed willing to give you a second chance after you told him you cheated on him.)

What we’re wondering is why? Why Meghan are you feeling the need to cheat? This question seems even more important than whether or not to tell your boyfriend you cheated. What is going on internally for you that you’re seeking attention and validation from other men? We’re not therapists. We’re not doctors. But we do think that question might be worth exploring with a professional. Because once you get to the root of the problem you might get clarity on your basic question: Should I tell my boyfriend I cheated?

Unfortunately Meghan there isn’t one right answer here. Everyone is different. Some guys would say they would want to know if they were cheated on by their girlfriend. Other guys would say that as long as their girlfriend is no longer cheating they would rather not know.

Our advice: Take a harder look at why you’re behaving the way you’re behaving. We just get this sense from you that you’re uncertain about whether or not you can stop this behavior. And maybe your uncertainty is what’s causing you to feel so guilty about this. Maybe if you trusted yourself and knew that it would never happen again you could move forward in this relationship and chalk up your cheating up to a really bad mistake that you’ll never repeat.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section, and we’ll reply to you here as well.

Good luck. We’re pulling for you no matter what you decide to do.

THE GUYS

ps. We’d love to hear from some of our readers as well. What are your opinions? Meghan would probably appreciate more viewpoints on this.

He asks ME to call HIM

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

Hi Guys!

Thanks a lot for reading my message.

I met this good looking guy at a party before summer vacation. He asked for my number and my email before we said bye. Then he asked if I would call him. This question confused me, but I said yes. He never called me or anything.

One month later I sent him a friendly text message. He never replied. So, I didn’t do anything more. I saw him the first week of classes after the summer. I just said hi in a friendly way. Two days later I received an email. I replied 4 days later, but he never replied back. Then I saw him on a party a week ago. I said hi and we started talking. In less than 10 minutes, he asked if he could visit my lab at school. Also, he made plans to go the library with me, but again he asked me to call him or send him a message. Very directly, I told him, “I’m not going to do it because you don’t reply.” He said, fine he would call. Of course he never called or replied.

My instinct tells me to forget him. He seems not as interested as he appears to be when he sees me. I just need a confirmation please. Also, before I forget, a friend who knows him told me that he is shy, but I can’t believe this, because he starts hitting on me in less than 10 min. of the conversation.

Is he a pathological player or what?

Thanks again guys,

Winterflake

Dear Winterflake,

Thanks for you question.

Your instincts are right. This guy is a waste of time and energy. He might be attracted to you, but he’s not interested enough to do much about it. (And forget the whole shy angle. He’s not shy. He’s used to women coming after him.)

And let’s just say for some reason the two of you actually started dating. Can you imagine the frustration in dealing with someone who doesn’t communicate well? This guy doesn’t follow through, he doesn’t keep his word, and he’s complacent and apathetic.

We say, move on.

And oh, here’s a good general rule: Guys should be the ones pursuing AND calling.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz.

This girl is driving me mad

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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Why is he not asking me out?

Hey Guys,

This has been bothering me so I thought an outside opinion may help. I have known this girl for about two years. And six months ago it started to get more serious. We started hanging every day and a couple months after that we had sex. Everyone who knows is all congratulating me but I feel like it didn’t mean or change anything. And now that school has started back up and things like the ACT are looming we don’t spend as much time together, which is normal except now, for the past few days I hear about how everyone sees her with her ex and it looks like they are dating.

I don’t really know what to do cuz this dude is starting drama I don’t need, and this girl doesn’t want to date me. (She says she would but she doesn’t want a boyfriend.) I care about her a lot but I am just confused.

Am I being played? Should I wait it out? I don’t know please help.

Dom

Dear Dom,

Thanks for your question.

So we’re not completely sure of all the details, but our best guess is, over the summer the two of you consummated your relationship, but without talking much about it. (We’re assuming you only had sex one or two times.) In fact, is it possible both of you actually avoided defining the relationship?—her because she didn’t want to be in one and you because you were uncertain of where she stood. And now that school is started up again, still not having talked about it, she is hanging out with her ex and you are left wondering.

According to some of the younger guys on our crew, high school is still about “going out” with one person rather than dating around. And if this girl is saying she doesn’t want a relationship with you, even after the two of you have had sex, it seems pretty clear that she’s not interested in more than a friendship and an occasional romp in the hay. It is pretty atypical that this girl would have sex with you and then not want to at least talk about a relationship with you, but she hasn’t wavered from that decision so it seems pretty clear that she in fact does not want to be tied down. (Unless she’s lying to spare your feelings and she really isn’t interested in you at all. That is something you should consider. And if that is what’s going on, yes, she might be playing you, and actually already dating her ex.) Either way, the message seems the same to us: She’s moved on.

The only way to be sure is to tell her how you feel and ask her directly what she’s really feeling. Of course if you do that, the drama will begin—with her, AND this other guy—and we’re not so sure much will come of it except more confusion for you. But it’s up to you.

One note: Many people, especially young people, think that sex leads to commitment. But in fact it’s the other way around. Sex is even better when it comes after commitment.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. You might enjoy our last article, “The Duality of Men.”

The duality of men: Are all men dogs?

A special post from THE GUYS (Twitter: @TGPBuzz)

How can a man be a nice guy and at the same time, a Total Dog?

This question seems to be a source of confusion and dismay among women across the world. So today we’d like to expound upon this principle and hopefully shed some light on this perplexing duality.

Dogs are born, bred and raised by man. They come with sharp teeth, a vicious bark and an aggressive streak. But they are also fiercely loyal, lovable and playful. They are the only animal on the planet that come with such an interesting blend of opposites. It’s not surprising, since they were trained by man to exist in his own likeness.

But although men possess many of the qualities of our canine brethren, they do not in fact walk on four legs. We walk upright and prefer to keep it that way. Our upright nature puts us at the top of the food chain and makes us the king of the predators, because now our other limbs are free to perform other useful purposes, like itching ourselves, playing cards, gesticulating at the TV, and grabbing at our female counterparts. It’s amazing that we’re not actually extinct!

However, we have another side to us that somehow makes us palatable to the opposite gender. This is where our protective loyalty comes into play. Supporting our family and looking after our own is deeply embedded in our genes. That’s who we are from day one. A squirmy, purple looking, ball of fat—fierce and loyal; precisely like a cute puppy.

So how can all this goodness live next door to all this aggression?

It’s just as unclear to us. It comes from somewhere, but where, we have no idea. Some call it hormones, some call it the devil, some say it hangs just below our abdomen, but whatever it is or wherever it may reside, it seems to have a mind of it’s own.

Example: Things are going great with our girlfriend. She’s so cool, smart, pretty and easy to hang with. What could be better? One day we’re walking down the street, happy as a clam and then we see “That Girl!” Our bodies start buzzing, our minds go blank and all of a sudden something isn’t quite right. How is this possible? Nothing’s really changed AND everything has changed. Why is this other person so mesmerizing, so alluring, so dynamic? And why does her mere presence shake the very foundation of what we care about?

We’re confused about this too, so we talk about it amongst ourselves. Yes, you heard that right, WE TALK!! And we ask each other questions like these:

What does this mean? Does this happen to you? Do you like it? Don’t like it? What should I do about it? Should I do anything about it? Is it real? Is it fantasy? I just don’t get it!!!

We ask these questions because we care about the people we love and don’t want to mess things up. We also realize that it’s unlikely those physical reactions have anything to do with love. But it takes us time. THE GUYS at The Guy’s Perspective have each other to ponder these thoughts, but many guys don’t have anyone to talk to, or they don’t even realize that they should be discussing this with other guys, so they follow their “small brain” around and basically ruin everything they have.

But, let’s not jump off the deep end here. We can be trained. In fact, somewhere deep down we want to be trained, or rather TAMED. Why? Because it’s not always fun to feel pulled by this invisible force, and to have little things like other women, cause us to question ourselves and what we have. We constantly hope, we can get this power under control, so we can enjoy our lives with the people who are in them presently.

Here are some basic rules to understand:

1. When we say we love you, we do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to sleep with…….well……you get the idea.

2. Yes, we seek to conquer. But it’s not just about the conquest as many think. At some point we actually do want to keep the “prize.” Of course each guy is different in this respect.

3. We do talk, but we’re egocentric creatures. We think we’re the only ones who’ve ever felt a certain way, done a certain thing, or thought of a particular idea. etc. That’s why teenage boys tell their dads they don’t know “jack” about sex or love. Hmm….and the dads say, “I wonder how you got here, you little….(fill in).” Our point is we think we know more than we do.

4. We travel in packs, but we’d prefer to “hunt” alone. So the guy you see at the bar by himself is not necessarily a lonely loser. He could actually be smarter than the rest and realize there’s a lot less competition when there’s no competition.

5. We ARE able to commit. If your man says he needs more time it’s because he’s unsure of you. If might be best to just let him sniff around some more without you. You’ll be better off.

The last thing we have to say about all of this is:

Don’t give up on us, but at the same time, it’s unlikely we’ll ever change.

Now figure that out!!! And when you do, let us know. We would like to be enlightened.

THE GUYS

PS….we’re hungry. Can someone throw us a bone please! Join us on Twitter for more insights into the male mind. @TGPBuzz

Kissing cousins: Should we date? And: What is he thinking?

Dear Readers,

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

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Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

What’s the deal with this guy?

Dear Guys,

My distant cousin lives overseas. We got in touch through texting and gradually we started flirting heavily. We have a text-relationship. He called me twice too. I spent the holidays over in his country and we met up with our friends. The first day was still normal. But after the second day he became all cold. I asked him about it but all he said was he was bummed out that he had scratched his brand new BMW and he had not slept well—well he did meet me up with our friends for 2 days straight squeezing his other plans in.

Ever since then it has been a hot and cold thing. We met once after when he was in transit in my hometown with his friend. It seems that right after we met up he would be cold and so I would be too. But gradually we started flirting again, though never as heavy as the time before; and it’s him who always starts the flirting. Or like when I don’t text him or try to ignore him, he starts texting me everyday and is waiting for me to reply. We are both attached to other people as well and we both know each other’s “significant other” through FB, but we never talk about it.

I think both of us don’t expect the situation to be this way as we are related distantly. (We played together when we were younger.) But what does it mean on his part? What is he thinking? I too am unsure about what I am feeling but clearly this is bothering me enough for me to be asking about it. I find myself waiting for his texts and wondering or getting jealous if he’s out with his girl. And my heart skips a beat if I get his texts. HELP!!

Susan

Dear Susan,

Thanks for your question. We can see that this has thrown you for a loop. Sometimes our hearts have a mind of their own.

However, while dating or marrying your cousin is not against the law, it’s not typically a path most people feel comfortable heading down. We understand this guy is your distant cousin and probably shares little of your gene pool, but it’s still “taboo” enough where it seems like you’re both at least thinking and wondering if it’s something you should even pursue.

And maybe your relation to each other hasn’t stopped you from flirting, but it seems it’s enough of an issue that it might be affecting his behavior, and maybe even yours. (That and the fact that both of you are attached to other people currently, which may not be a bad thing in this particular situation.)

From what you describe we would typically say he’s not interested in being in a relationship with you, but in your case, since we have to factor in the “cousin” variable, it could just be a little too “out there” for him to handle. And instead of just saying that, he continues to give you mixed messages. We’re not sure if he’s ever going to feel completely comfortable with it, which could explain why he’s all flirty from a distance, but when you are actually in the same location he acts funny.

We’re not saying you shouldn’t pursue this, but the situation is ripe for this type of uncertainty and confusion.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

This guy’s actions are confusing

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Long distance: Should I pursue?

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Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Why is he being secretive?

Different cultures: More than friends, less than lovers

Booty call or long haul?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Dating an older guy: What are we?

Long distance relationship: Follow up question

Hi Guys,

I am a bit confused. I met this guy in October on a trip. He was part of a group I belong to that organizes different cultural events. We live in different cities so I used to see him once a month or 2 months depending on when I used to go to the city where he lives. But then I started seeing him almost every 2 weeks because I became more involved with the association and when I was there he would always try to converse with me and he would stare at me.

So anyway I was in a relationship at the time so I wouldn’t give him any attention. I avoided him until I was single. One day I decided to send him a message on Facebook. (We’re friends on FB.) He said that he was happy to hear from and he asked me to see him the next time I was there but before the meeting. So I said yes. And that was the first time we saw each other outside the association. We just walked around for an hour and conversed and then went to the meeting. I had asked him the next day to go to a park and get some fresh air and he said that he liked the idea. So we went for a walk for awhile and then we went about two weeks without hearing from each other. I didn’t write to him. I wanted him to write to me. I had to participate in another event so I saw him in about two weeks; and when he saw me at the association he was strange. He seemed surprised or shocked. I didn’t really understand his body language but he spoke to me like nothing had happened. He acted pretty normal. Since I stayed there for the weekend I asked him if he was free because I wanted to go somewhere for a drink or anything. And he said that I had done well by asking him but he was already busy and if I would have written to him earlier he might have gone. He asked me to see him the next day in the morning since I was leaving in the afternoon. So I texted him in the morning and he called me about a half hour later and told me that he doesn’t have his car to pick me up because he had stayed at his sister’s last night.

SO anyway we managed to meet about an hour later because he got a ride and we do what we usually do: Walk around and converse. He always pays for everything when we get something to eat. He’s a gentleman. So when I have to catch the train to get home we don’t kiss or anything, we just kinda hug and say a few things and that’s about it. He told me that we would hear each other out on FB even though he has my number. I don’t get it. And that’s the second time he said it. The first time was after our walk at the park, but he never wrote to me and I didn’t bother either.

So after this date (let’s call it a date.. I don’t really know what it was) when I got to my town I sent him a message the next day on FB saying something on a book we were discussing, and I also said something like he seemed a bit strange when I left, because he really was. His body language is confusing. And he doesn’t answer me on FB. And then I wrote him another message asking him if he was upset about what I had said. He answered me only about a week later saying that he was sorry but he had been very busy with work and he wasn’t upset. He said that he doesn’t remember being strange or worried like I had assumed. But he said that maybe I saw something he wasn’t aware of. Anyway he finished his message by asking me to write to him if I have any news.

I wrote to him another message..maybe I was pushy again because in the end I like the guy, but he didn’t answer me for about 3 to 4 days so I decided to cancel my account on Facebook and I have not heard from him since then. Not even a message or call. It’s been about three weeks now. I don’t get it. I mean he asks me to go out. There is a lot of attraction. It seemed like he was interested but now not even a message. Help! I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should text the guy. Also because I won’t see him for a long time now. I’m busy with work and maybe I will only see him next month. Maybe..

What should i do?

Jane

Dear Jane,

Thanks for writing to us. We’ll try and sort through all of your question/s. We’re going to give you some tough love, only because we think you’re missing a few important insights here. It all comes from a good place.

On the surface it might seem like this guy is giving you mixed signals. But once you delve down a bit we think you’ll see that his behavior has been reasonably consistent. A lot of how you’re feeling is stemming from some of your assumptions.

We think you’re reading too much into some of this guy’s behavior. You say he stared at you and was attracted to you, but how do you really know why he was staring? His subsequent actions undermine your theory of attraction. You also assumed he was cold to you by his reply via text. But how can you assign feelings to words on a screen? Yes, a lot of people do that, and that’s why conducting relationships via email, text, or Facebook can be very dangerous. Making assumptions about what’s going on in someone’s head when they just write something like “OK” is not a good idea. (That’s just an example) You also assume because he pays for you that you’re on a date. He may very well be a gentlemen, but that doesn’t mean he wants anything more than a friendship with you.

Let’s take a step back here. Your relationship with this guy started out as friends because you belong to the same association. He never actually made his intentions known to you. It was you that broke the ice on Facebook once your were single again. And so this makes us wonder if he was really interested. Yes, once you inquired he agreed to get together. And maybe he wasn’t sure how he felt and wanted to go out with you and see. But it seems pretty clear that he didn’t want to pursue a relationship, otherwise he would have. (You’ve made it clear you’re open to it.) In fact it seems you took the initiative pretty much every time you two interacted. Typically guys will pursue if they’re interested. So in the future, even if you’re very excited about a guy, you have to let him be the one to initiate.

The other thing we’ll suggest is: Try not to read into everything so much. Clearly you’re an intuitive person, who’s very in touch with her feelings and emotions. Not everyone will be as intuitive as you, and subsequently won’t think or behave the way you do. People are built differently, and this is not just a guy and girl thing. It’s a personality thing. (See Myers Briggs) Try and take a step back and not react so much. For example: Since he didn’t respond to you, you deleted your Facebook account. Some people are very inconsistent at communicating. This is more a a reflection of their own deficiencies.

We hope you’re still able to go to your association meetings even though things might be a little awkward with this guy. If you do, and you see him, just smile and be nice. No need to rehash anything or try and get some more info out of him. We don’t think he’s going to offer you anything more. Just be friendly and move on, and start thinking about getting yourself back out in the dating world.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Long distance relationship: Follow up question

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

What’s the deal with this guy?

Long distance: Should I pursue?

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Why is he being secretive?

Different cultures: More than friends, less than lovers

Booty call or long haul?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Dating an older guy: What are we?

Hi Guys!

A few months ago I asked for advice on the following question: Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship

The advice you gave me helped me so much, and I am now a frequent visitor to your site! I have noticed that there are many questions on long-distance relationships like my original question. Since I asked my question, I have a follow up question to ask, and I really hope you will answer it, not only for me, but for so many other that are struggling with the same type of situation.

Since my last question, I have moved to my new city, started grad school, and even though I struggled tremendously for a couple months, I was starting to accept the fact that the relationship was done and he was no longer going to talk to me, or give me the apology I so desperately wanted. I “de-friended” him on Facebook only because his wall was plastered with pictures and posts of his new relationship, and this really really hurt me.

Fast-forward to 3 months after the break-up. After absolutely no contact for 3 months, and the de-friending, my ex texts me trying to have a casual conversation with me about my life now and what I’ve been up to. I know, I should not have responded, but I did. I answered his questions, and he told me that he was going to be moving to my city for a permanent job. He went on to say that he is so sorry for what he did, and how things ended with us. He said that he didn’t mean to find another girl, but it just happened. He then said, “to be honest, I don’t know how long the relationship is going to last once I move, because I’m not about to do the long distance thing.”

I responded by telling him how hurt I was, and that I felt very disrespected after the way things were handled during the break-up. I also told him that my feelings for him were always real, and that I truly cared for him, but in the end I felt like he didn’t feel the same way.

He responded with, “You have every right to be angry and upset with me, and I can understand if you hate me. I was too much of a coward to be a man and tell you that I didn’t want to do long distance because it’s so hard. I did care for you, and still do, and I really like you still.

I ended the conversation after this, and he said that he’s sorry again, and so happy that I don’t hate him and that he wants me to know that he still likes me. This was the last time we had contact. A month later I saw him at an event with his girlfriend, and he completely ignored me. A month after this, I saw him at a bar with his girlfriend, and he again, ignored me.

I’m really struggling here, and am starting to fall back into the hole I was finally moving on from. I’m so confused by this. I understand that he will be moving to my city soon, and I need advice as to what our conversation meant and why he ignored me, as well as advice on how I should handle this situation if future contact occurs when we are in the same city.

Thank you so much!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your great note and question.

This guy is keeping his options open. Now that he knows he’s moving to the same city as you, he’s hoping you might still be open to him again. And it seems you still are. Be careful. This doesn’t mean he’s all of a sudden getting serious about you, it just means he wants to know he’ll have someone to get together with when he moves.

Please think long and hard about this situation and this guy. Think about: How were you feeling after you broke up and moved on? (It sounds like better and better each day.) And how are you feeling now that you believe you might reconnect with this guy? (More confused and upset.) Sure, love and relationships are often trying emotionally, but they shouldn’t cause mostly grief without providing a lot of happiness too. In your case it’s just heartache and confusion when you deal with this guy.

We know it’s difficult to let go but we don’t think he’s any different now than he was when the two of you were dating. Sure it’s possible, but more likely, based on his actions, he hasn’t changed much. He sounds like a player to us.

Our advice: Focus on school, friends, and saying yes to social opportunities. Be open to new people—not just guys. Make new friends, and don’t have contact with this guy. You’re only going to prolong the hurt. It’s time to lean on your friends and family for support. Or talk to someone—possibly a professional— who can help you sort out what you’re feeling. Be strong and hang in there.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. Thanks!

What’s the deal with this guy?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is he into me or not?

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My best friend: What does he want?

Guys,

This guy and I have been “dating”/talking for awhile now. When we originally started talking/hanging out he was single. Then he had a VERY short relationship. (3 weeks). He broke up with her because things just didn’t work out. But he also said he was interested in me as well at the time. So now we have been “seeing” each other ever since. We have been hanging out several times a week now. We kiss, hold hands, cuddle, etc. But nothing more than PG-13. It has been several weeks and I don’t know if I am just being impatient or if he just is dragging his feet.

We both watch the same shows and when I get to certain episodes he says, “You are not allowed to watch that without me.” I get messages like that from him all the time. But then sometimes I get mixed signals like tonight when he called me kiddo, I said “wow if that wasn’t sexy I don’t know what is.” He gave me a “Really?” I told him of course not and he just told me “Okay, nighty night”.

There was another instance when we were supposed to hang out. He ended up going out with his family—they are very close—and canceled on me. He ended up kinda buzzed, but called to apologize for blowing me off. He admitted that he liked me and he didn’t want me to be angry with him, or worry about him hanging out with others. He also threw in a line about “if and when—heavy emphasis on the when—you meet my family.” But the next time we hung out he barely touched me, and he held my hand very little. He had asked if I was okay for some strange reason but that was about it. I got a goodbye kiss but that was it.

He is confusing the heck out of me and I don’t know if I should just ask where we are or just let things progress more since it has only been a couple of weeks. I want to know if there is something real there, or if he is just dragging me along until he finds something better. HELP ME!!!!

Leanne

Dear Leanne,

Thanks for writing to us.

We can’t know exactly what’s in this guy’s heart, but he’s giving you many signs that he likes you, especially if he wants you to meet his family. Is it possible he’s shy? Or maybe inexperienced? Or maybe he just doesn’t know how you feel about him yet?

We’d say give it a few more weeks. See how things progress. Maybe take some initiative and invite him over for dinner or something like that. It sounds like he needs a little prompting, or possibly some reassurance from you that you’re interested. Hasn’t he already said that he’s into you?

If he’s feeling insecure or unsure, he’s going to give you mixed signals. He doesn’t want to show his hand completely for fear of being rejected. The male ego will do almost anything to avoid looking the fool. His ego sounds completely intact and possibly working overdrive.

If after a few more weeks you still don’t have your answers, we think you should lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. This doesn’t mean it will work out the way you’d like. It might; it might not. But this way you’ll at least know where you stand, and whether or not the relationship has a chance to progress to the next level.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks for your donation.

Confusion: Is my housemate interested in just sex?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Long distance relationship: Trying again?

Long distance relationship: Push and pull

Is he into me or not?

Friends with benefits?

Am I being played again?

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Dear Guys,

I have lived in a shared house for a while now, and recently my house mates have changed—one of them being a man age 28.

We hit it off pretty well and like the same things. The mixed signal part is that when he’s busy drinking, and getting slightly drunk, he’s very flirtatious, and we’ve ended up having sex twice now. But only when he’s in that state; otherwise he doesn’t approach me, apart from in a house mate fashion.

I’m confused as to what that means. Please help!

Deliah

Dear Deliah,

Thanks for your question.

This is actually pretty straightforward. His actions are telling you the answer. When he’s drunk he’s interested in having sex with you, and when he’s sober he reverts back to a business relationship with you.

If you want to view this in hopeful terms you could paint him as a shy guy who needs a little drink to help him come out of his shell. But more likely the alcohol makes him feel randy, and since you are present, available, and willing, he pursues you for sex. We’re not saying he would have sex with anyone who happened to be standing there, but alcohol certainly makes everyone and everything seem attractive.

Our advice is don’t succumb to his advances when he’s been drinking. In fact, you might want to remove yourself from the situation. Either go to your room, or even better, leave the house and go out with friends or something. If this is too difficult, you might want to think about finding some new housemates, or even possibly, a new house to live in.

Even nice guys want sex as much as possible. All guys are wired that way. And when an opportunity presents itself like the one you’re describing, many a guy would seize the moment. It’s easy and fun. We’re not saying it’s right, just that it is. So we hope for the next time you understand that if you’re in a relationship that’s only about sex, it’s more than likely it will always be just about sex.

We wish you the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Feel free to leave us a follow up comment or question.

Confused about this man’s thinking?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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High school dating to college long distance relationship

What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

Getting back together: Is it possible?

Guys,

The guy I was dating got divorced 2-3 yrs ago after his wife cheated on him. We started hanging out last summer with mutual friends. It was obvious there was a connection but it was acknowledged that we were on two different pages (He didn’t want a relationship and I did. I’m a relationship girl). We went on like this for four months, enjoying hanging out as friends and having a blast.

Then all of a sudden he started texting and wanting to hang out without the mutual friends. I was wary at first because I did really like him and wanted to hang out, but didn’t want him to get the impression that I was fine with a casual relationship because I wasn’t. We hung out on our own for a couple of weeks and then he asked me what I wanted and I said, “A relationship.” And he then said he wanted the same. So we became a couple.

The whole time we were dating he would say things like he thought we were made for each other and that we were soul mates. We are so freakishly alike even down to the weird way we eat certain foods. He even admitted that he was building his house and barn for me. We became super close. I actually thought he was the one. I never used to believe it when people would say ‘you know when you know,’ but it instantly hit me. I actually could see a life together with him. No hesitation whatsoever. Since he went through the divorce he now has some trust issues but not really with me; but it was obvious they were there.

After several months of dating, we had a little fight at a bar and I left without him as he said he wasn’t ready to leave. The next day he showed up at my house wanting to talk and confessed that he had his old Booty Call take him home. But he swears nothing happened; she just dropped him off. I said I needed some time to digest it all and the next day we talked and he said that maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Yet he continued to call and text me as he did when we were dating. Every other weekend when he didn’t have his daughter we spent together even during the week.

It was like nothing changed but our titles. I know what you are going to say, he was just hanging around for the sex. Well, here’s the kicker: we never had sex the whole time we were dating. His excuse started out as he was too drunk then it turned into that sex complicates relationships and takes relationships to another level. Duh! That’s what relationships do; they progress forward. I ended up walking away as I could not continue to put myself through the emotional turmoil. Now he is trying to put some of the blame for the end of the relationship on me when I feel he should take full blame for dicking me over. He changed the rules in the middle of the game. I was honest about what I wanted from the beginning and I feel like he broke his word. I feel like he never intended for this to really go all the way. I’m not naive enough to know that if he wanted to be with me he would. I just want to know what was going through his mind to do this. And I’ll point out that we aren’t young—20 somethings. We are in our mid-30s. This whole ordeal has sent me for a loop and I can’t stop obsessing over it.

So Guys give me the low down please!

Casey

Dear Casey,

Thanks for your question.

We can see the two of you had a real nice connection. And maybe if circumstances were different—he hadn’t been cheated on by his ex—things would have played out differently. But the first true test of any relationship is that initial argument or fight. That’s when you find out how committed each person is. In your case your guy realized he didn’t want to deal with anything other than smooth sailing and good times. We’re not saying it’s right or wrong, just that it is.

But as you know, conflict is part of every relationship, and we think it’s not a bad thing at all. It often helps bring people closer together, because fights are honest; they expose true feelings, and they help couples get down to the nitty gritty. Your guy has been wounded, and it seems like now he doesn’t want to deal with anything other than fun. Here’s our take: He initially didn’t want to be in a relationship as he stated to you. But then once he got to know you and the two of you connected well on so many levels he thought to himself, “Maybe I can be in a relationship with this woman. She’s totally cool and totally different.” However, as soon as you had your first fight, he was reminded again that relationships, no matter whom you’re with, take work. And he wasn’t ready to do the work required to move forward.

We can understand his position, but we can also understand why you’re upset and confused. He took you for a little emotional ride and it doesn’t feel good. Yes, he should have been clearer with you AND with himself, but our sense is, he truly thought he could give it a go, and then realized he couldn’t. Our biggest issue with him, and a huge red flag for you, is the fact that he went home with his former Booty Call as soon as he had the least bit of conflict with you. That should tell you his state of mind, and should tell you he’s far from ready to commit to someone. We’re not saying he cheated on you, we’re saying she’s his default woman because his relationship with her is clear and uncomplicated.

No, he shouldn’t be putting the blame on you, but at the same time you need to stop obsessing over who’s to blame here. The most important thing you can do is chalk this up to experience, as hard as that may be, and move on. Assigning blame is only going to hinder your healing and keep you closed to the next person you meet.

Our advice? If you truly want to put this behind you, we would suggest not hanging out with him, talking to him, or having any sort of communication with him. Hang in there Casey.

THE GUYS

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Long distance relationship: Trying again

Dear Friends,

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Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

High school dating to college long distance relationship

What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

Getting back together: Is it possible?

Hey guys, (Sorry in advance for my long message!)

I met this guy almost a year ago online. We soon started talking and it developed into cyber-romance of sorts. A few months ago we decided to meet up after I told him I would be vacationing in a city near where he lived. We met up, had an amazing time, got intimate, and decided that once I went back home we would try a long-distance relationship. During that time, I applied to a study abroad program to be closer to him. Then things got…interesting.

We started arguing, over various things; his work is very high-stress and that may have contributed, but certain misunderstandings and insecurities started manifesting, and eventually we decided it might be best to end our relationship. It was his decision, and although it hurt me, I saw that it was probably the best thing since at this point it seemed to be all negative with very little positive to balance it out. Although we were very happy when I was there, the positives didn’t seem to be around quite so much when I wasn’t.

We’re still friends, and perhaps due to the experience, are closer than ever. I recently got accepted into one of the study abroad programs I had applied to (what timing, eh?) and I’ve decided to go: partially because I still care for him and partially because it’s always been a dream of mine.

I’m just a bit confused because, since I’ve told him I’m going, he’s been showing some signs that he might like to try again. We talk every day (we never stopped talking every day) and he has expressed that he’s not over me and for some reason can’t seem to get over me. He’s made various long-term plans with me, and confides in me more than he does anyone else. (He’s very closed-off with most people). There have been times when he’s admitted we’re more than just friends, and yet there are also times when he assures me we’re just friends. We’re still very attracted to each other and recently when we were having a discussion he said, “Why didn’t we work better than we did?” I explained my thoughts on it and then asked what he thought, and he said, “I think some day we’ll work it out. We just have to let it happen naturally. We can’t force it or it’ll ruin what we have and I don’t want that.”

I see that he cares about me and I still very much care for him, but I don’t know the extent or the sort of feelings he has. He’s very much a “head over heart” type of guy and expressed that he won’t allow himself to give me another chance at this time because he’s afraid of being hurt; but he also tells me constantly that he doesn’t know what will happen when I’m closer to his vicinity.

Maybe I sound a little pathetic, but I thought maybe you guys could help me out and give me a little male insight.

Thanks

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your question. You don’t sound pathetic at all. In fact you seem like an intelligent and intuitive young lady.

Long distance relationships seem to amplify every insecurity and fear two people have. (As you know) Some people are able to suppress these emotions as they crop up and focus on the bigger picture. (You seem to fall into that category.) Other people are not able to. (Your Guy) It’s clear the long distance piece of the relationship was too straining on your guy. It made him feel out of control, so he ended it.

Relationships are hard enough, but without a solid foundation of day-to-day, face-to-face time, they’re even more difficult. You conducted 95% of your relationship online before you met in person, so we can see how this was difficult to make the leap to a long distance relationship.

From what you describe your guy is definitely still interested. It’s clear he’s attracted to you, and you’ve said there’s strong chemistry between the two of you. Sure he’s giving you mixed signals but mainly because he’s not sure how it will be when you live nearby, since most of your relationship has been via email, text, or phone. And he’s nervous. You’re just going to have to wait and see, but we think it’s a very good possibility he’ll be ready to give it another shot shortly after you arrive.

The best thing you can do is be open to possibility, and make it clear to him that he can trust you emotionally. We realize it’s hard to open yourself up because it’s easier to get hurt if it doesn’t work out, but it’s really the only way to move forward in any relationship.

And please keep us posted with a follow up comment or question.

THE GUYS

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What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Hi Guys !!!

Almost 4 years ago I met this guy who was eight years younger than me at a club. And I did what I had never done before; I took him home. I only wanted it to be a one night stand and nothing else, but I gave him my number and he called the next day. He wanted to take me out, but I preferred hanging out at my place. The age difference really bothered me; eight years is a lot. We talked a lot and saw each other often and I started to like him more. But then he started it to call less, ignoring my calls and messages. I would say we should go out and he would agree but then some last minute thing would come up.

His nights to hang out with me were starting later and later until he only called late at night. I resisted that and there were a lot of fights. He told me that he was sorry for the late night booty calls, and I should just ignore them if I didn’t want that. But I wouldn’t. I would answer the phone every time and lots of times I wouldn’t let him come over but most times I did. I told him that I would not be his booty call and finally ended it. But then after a few months he would call again. The fights began again with me nagging and demanding more of him. He would say he didn’t want a girlfriend, so I started to see other guys and I even broke it off with this guy for four months.

But then I called him again just as a friend and learned that he lost his phone and all contacts. And not long after that he called again. It was good for a while but I wasn’t nagging and demanding. But once I started again he would be more distant and give me less and less of his time and affection. But then I liked him more and more.

This back and forth has gone on for a while. Sometimes he shows affection and sometimes he’s very cold. After he’s distant for a while, he’ll call out of the blue, and then he comes over and we have sex. Then he started to open up to me more about his family and friends, but soon after that he started giving me mixed signals again. Finally I just said forget it after years of ups and downs.

It was truly over for me and I really thought that I would never again hear from him. But then he called the very same weekend @ 1 am and he wanted to come over to make it up to me. I didn’t answer any of his texts or phone calls but he came over anyway. He came over and we had sex. He told me that he likes me very much. But that was six weeks ago. He called once after that. I said that he could come over, but he didn’t show up. Then he replied that all is fine. But nothing again for two weeks. Then he comes over and talks about the future—kids, etc. But then nothing again.

So I guess from a guy’s perspective I would like to know what to do??? It has been four years now and and the last two were a hell for me because I’ve fallen so deep for him and I don’t know how to change things with us. Sometimes I think he likes me and sometimes I think he does not care at all. Some days I want to tell him how I feel and end the sex for good in hopes that he’ll then change. Then I get scared that he won’t change. And then sometimes I just want to wait and see what happens. But it’s killing me.

Can you help please guys?! Tell me what to do in this situation and how to get out without losing my sanity. I hope that you’ll answer me soon..

Victoria !

Dear Victoria,

Thanks for your question and your donation. Let’s see if we can help you sort this out.

We’re sorry your situation has been so painful for you. You’re in relationship limbo and that’s never fun.

First of all, you’re not going to change this guy. It’s been four years, and you’ve seen the same behavior from him since the beginning. All he’s done is given you mixed signals. Is that truly the kind of relationship you want? Do you really want someone who only calls late at night to come over for sex, and then pushes you away when you try to talk to him about the relationship, and the future? The relationship started out as a “one night stand,” and it hasn’t progressed any further in four years! We just don’t see how any of this is going to change. The two of you are too deep into your “defined” roles.

We already think you’ve decided what you should do. The trouble is: Doing it.

This man certainly has a strong hold over you. And that’s troubling. Because for some reason you’ve handed him all the power. You’ve given him permission to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. And that’s something you need to take a hard look at. Why have you let him dictate the terms of your relationship? Is this a pattern for you with men, or is it just this particular guy? Those are important questions to ask yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re worth more than that. A healthy relationship should be an equal partnership, and you certainly deserve that.

So if you truly want to move on it’s up to you to take back some control. This means you need to stop letting him come over to have sex with you whenever he feels like it. We realize that’s easier said than done, but it’s up to you to do this. He’s going to keep calling you whenever the urge hits him—as long as he knows you’re open and available to him. So if you want to move on, it’s up to you to end it for good, and stick to your guns.

The other piece to this is a health issue: Do you know what he’s doing during the time the two of you are apart? It’s likely he’s enjoying the company of other women while the two of you are on “break.” Maybe he doesn’t owe you anything, but it’s not safe for you. You have to be careful out there in the dating world Victoria.

We wish we could say it’s not going to be hard for you, but we can’t. Break ups are painful. It’s like losing a part of yourself. But hopefully you have good friends and family to help you get through it, if that’s what you decide to do. But we can say, with time the hurt will lessen, and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. And eventually you’ll be open again to new possibilities and new love.

We wish you the best as you work through this. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us an additional question. You can leave your comment/question right in the “Comments” section of this post.

Good luck and take care,

THE GUYS

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High school dating to college long distance relationship

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.

Dear Guys,

So my boyfriend and I have had a “thing” since 9th grade. We’ve been official for 17 months now and senior year is coming up. We both love each other very much and have always talked about going to college together. He’s from California and I’m planning to go to Uni in Washington. There was one point when I was feeling insecure about the idea of having a long distance relationship if it ended up that we went to schools in different states. He reassured me by saying that we could do it – we could do anything that we wanted and we could make it work if that’s what we wanted. This was a few months ago in February.

I asked him recently if he was still wanting to keep our relationship going after high school since senior year is starting soon. He responded by saying that he did not want to keep me from my dreams and from meeting other people and said how difficult it would be to go from seeing each other almost everyday to seeing each other MAYBE three months of the year. He also said that we could make it work if we wanted to and we could do anything, as he had said previously in February. Keep in mind that while talking about this, he is vising his home in California and I am still back at home. (We live overseas). We haven’t physically been together in about a month.

Some of my friends think that he’s scared about the future and is why he seems less sure now. One of my friends used to be really tight with him before we were dating, and she told me that before he asked me to be his girlfriend he would change his mind often, worrying about what to do. Obviously in the end, he asked me out. Do you think this is what is happening now? I love him very much and I know that long distance relationships are hard, and of course I’m aware that it might not work if we did it. But I don’t see the point in keeping a relationship when you know for a fact that it is going to end. He said that he would “happily” do long distance if that’s what I want. But I don’t think the decision should be completely mine. If it is going to work, we both should want it. We have only talked about this a couple of days ago and I’m now scared to talk about it anymore because I don’t want to pressure him, but at the same time I don’t want to have a relationship that I know will end.

Rae

Dear Rae,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly you’re a planner, and we can see you’d like to know what’s going to happen after high school. But what about senior year? It seems to us that you’re kind of jumping the gun here. College is a long way off, and a lot can happen before then. We’re not saying you should be worried because something might happen, but why not delay worrying about plans and enjoy your senior year together—or at least the first half? Sure we realize you have to choose your college by December, but you don’t have to choose to be in a long distance relationship until next fall.

It’s not a good idea to break up with someone just because you think it’s going to end a year from now. You have to let this play out. If the two of you stay together this coming year, the whole scenario will be much clearer. In four to six months, with all the new experiences you’ll have together, he may have a completely different mindset than he has now. He may be totally clear he wants to try a long distance relationship, and no longer be giving you mixed signals. Of course on the flipside, maybe one of you will decide it’s not what you want. But you have to just wait and see even if it’s hard. Otherwise you’re going to experience major regret.

Our advice is: Stop worrying about this now. Otherwise you’re going to “miss” all of next year. Life is about being present, not constantly looking to the future. Yes, it’s important to plan, but sometimes plans can’t be made until the time is right to make them. Does that make sense? Sometimes we need more experiences and time to make a more informed, and clearer decision.

So have some fun with the guy you love. And remember to keep talking about this, AND listening to each other. You’re right, both of you should want this, so try and work this out together. Communication is the key to a successful relationship. This may work out, and it may not, but let it all happen organically.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Was breaking up with him the right thing to do?

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We understand that many of your questions are pressing, and need answering ASAP. For those people who would like their question answered within 1-3 days, we encourage you to send us a donation to move your question to the top of the queue. If you’re not sure how much to donate, give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you. (Use the PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site. It’s the easiest and safest way for you AND us. It does require you signing up for PayPal, which is a good thing to have if you’re purchasing on the web.)

Otherwise we currently have a three to five week wait for questions to be answered. We still try to answer all questions, but it’s impossible to get to every one of them. And keep in mind that all questions accompanied by a donation move in front of all other questions, which means the delay might get longer.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.) Or on our podcast.

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Long distance relationship: Visiting issue

Break up: Will he come back?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.

Dear Guys,

I recently broke up with this guy for many reasons, but I still have the urge to go back to him even though all my friends don’t like him. I’m 21 and he’s 25. We dated for almost a year and during that time he never introduced me to his friends, but always saying he eventually would. (And since I couldn’t be out later at night it was hard because they always met up so late.) He would also ignore me for days when he didn’t want to tell me something. He didn’t show up to my birthday party or wish me a ‘Happy Birthday.’ And when I tried to break it off he said he was scared to tell me he couldn’t make it to my party which I had told him about weeks in advance. And then he asked me for another chance and said he would never ignore me again; and he said he would change because I meant a lot to him.

Well things were good for the first two weeks but a month later he was ignoring me again for no reason and this time I texted him and ended things. He had always told me that I was different from any other girl he dated and he was learning from his mistakes. But how long do I keep giving him a chance?

Is it true, that if he really cared he would come back, or am I just holding on to false hope that he ever did care?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry about your situation. Break ups are difficult, especially if you’re questioning whether or not you did the right thing.

First of all it’s important to listen to your friends. If all of them are saying the same thing, that should tell you something. Remember, if they are truly good friends they want the best for you, which means they want you to be happy. If you meet some great guy in the future, it’s likely your friends will be excited for you, and do what they can to support you. Sure, they might get jealous initially because a new person in your life means they’ll have less time with you. But eventually they will come around when they realize how happy you are. But that’s not what’s going on here. They universally don’t like this guy, and that’s a big red flag. (You should watch our video on this topic. “Listen to your friends” See our Video Page)

Another red flag is the fact that he ignores you. How does it make you feel? Ignoring you puts him in a position of power and gives him control over you. And it’s no way to behave in a relationship. In fact we can’t think of anything more upsetting AND maddening than being ignored, and not being listened to. It’s one thing to not return a phone call because work is crazy, and your boss is on your case. It’s another thing to return calls or texts only when you feel like it. Maybe this guy is learning from his mistakes, but in our book, this is Common Sense 101. Communication is so important in any relationship, and your guy has a long way to go in this department.

We’ve gotten several questions over the past year involving a situation where one person in the relationship was not being introduced to family and friends of the other person. And what we’ve said is: Anyone who’s excited about their boyfriend or girlfriend should be shouting about the new relationship from the rooftops. Which means, we can’t think of any good reason for your guy NOT to be introducing you to his friends and family. Going out late is not an excuse. In fact, taking this a step further, we’d think he’d want to elicit his friends’ opinions about you if he was serious about the relationship. So Jessica, we hope this might give you some sense of his level of commitment to you and your relationship.

We can’t tell you what you should do, but we hope this gives you a clearer, more objective viewpoint of your situation.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Break up: Will he come back?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy (Just went up today!)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a three to four week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Long distance relationship: Visiting issue

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating someone for the past one and a half years. We are 25 and 27. Our relationship was very good and our bond was solid; we were always very happy together. After one year together, I discussed with him the possibility of moving our relationship forward in the next one to three years. It was like pulling teeth. My feelings turned to resentment after many months. Finally, he decided to try counseling to see why he was so afraid of commitment even though he loves me.

I broke up with him last month after I couldn’t take it anymore. Two weeks later he comes back asking for more time. I give it to him. One month later, he tells me he still couldn’t come to terms with marriage and so here I am now.

I’m so upset I haven’t talked to him because it will make me feel worse. I know he wants to be friends. What should I do? I love this man and thought he was the one I’d spend forever with. Part of me says to cut ties but the other part says there are so many people that get back together down the road, maybe that’ll be us, so I should stay friends.

What are the chances of reconciliation? After all, we did not break up because we don’t love each other anymore. Help!

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.

We think his actions speak louder than his words. We don’t doubt he cares a lot about you. We’re sure you’ve shared a lot of great times in the last few years, but clearly something was missing for him, or he would have been excited to move forward with you.

People sometimes get back together down the road, but not too often; and if they do, it’s usually many, many years down the road, when people have matured, evolved, and almost become different people. But most of the time, after a painful few months—and sometimes a bit longer—people go on to live their own lives, finding new love and possibility.

We think your best plan Sandy is to let yourself grieve, and then start to move on. You might have thought this guy was the man of your dreams, but our sense is, when it came down to it, he didn’t feel the same way. Clearly there’s something he isn’t telling you. Or maybe there isn’t anything to tell you beyond the bottom line: His gut tells him something is missing for him.

Even though this may be difficult to hear, but we think you ultimately want a man who loves you the way you love him, and who is just as excited at the prospect of spending his life with you, as you are with him. Because as you know, without this reciprocation, resentment and anger will likely flourish and that’s no foundation to build a relationship from.

We have faith that all of this will work out for you Sandy. Hang in there. And when you do find the right person for you, you probably won’t have to even have a discussion about moving forward; our guess is it will just happen naturally.

All the best,

THE GUYS

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Friends with the opposite sex: Am I just jealous?

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Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

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Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

College Romance: Confused by his intentions

He moved out: What should I do?

Hi guys!

My boyfriend has a friend of the opposite sex that I don’t particularly care for. She is the ex of one of his friends. He says they never hang out alone and that he sees her as a tomboy. When I finally met her she snubbed me. We all went out to eat and she sat right across from me and didn’t say a word to me. After that I didn’t bother to try to get to know her. I told my boyfriend how I felt and he just said I was overreacting. He’s upfront about her and tells me everything. It’s just so annoying that she texts him all the time and tries to do stuff with him—without me of course. She is now pregnant and texts him everything about her pregnancy even when her water broke. It just seems too much and I don’t get why she tries to always get my boyfriend’s attention, especially when she has a boyfriend of her own.

When I confront my boyfriend he says I’m crazy and he always defends her instead of understanding where I am coming from. It’s not like they were friends before we started dating. They started hanging out because they hang out in the same crowd and she got his number from someone and they have bee texting ever since. I know of this girl and she’s not the most faithful in relationships, so it makes me even more skeptical.

Am I just jealous of this girl? Should I confront her? I don’t know what to do.

Dri

Dri,

Thanks for your question.

No you should not confront her. But you should sit down with your boyfriend and have a heart-to-heart with him. You may, or may not be overreacting, but that’s not for him to decide. The two of you need to talk this through.

Clearly she has some kind of interest in him, but still that has nothing to do with you. You have no control over her, and nor should you waste your energy trying to exert control over her. This has more to do with your own relationship. Your boyfriend should be trying to reassure you that all is well, rather than making light of it. (Although, if jealousy is a pattern with you, that’s a different story. We’re assuming no, as we answer your question.)

We believe people in relationships can have friends of the opposite sex, and in fact we encourage it. The world is too interesting a place to restrict yourself to 50% of the population. However there are a few rules that apply, and your boyfriend may be crossing the line.

We’re speaking to all the boyfriends and girlfriends out there:

1. Never put your friend in front of your boyfriend/girlfriend.

2. Doing activities that are typically reserved for your boyfriend/girlfriend are a no, no. (Dinner, Movies) Unless it’s been discussed ahead of time and everyone is on the same page and okay with it.

3. There should never be any type of hidden conversation going on, or other secrets. And constant texting seems a bit much.

4. If your friend is actually hoping a romantic relationship might develop, then it’s time to pull the plug on the friendship, or at discuss the boundaries.

5. You need to reassure your partner that nothing funny is going on.

6. Your friendship has to feel comfortable for everyone involved.

(Of course some partners will be jealous no matter what is going on. If that’s the case, it could be the partner’s issues.)

One last thought: We also wonder what her boyfriend thinks about her texting some other guy constantly, since she is pregnant with their child? She is definitely crossing the line as well. But once again, that’s something she and her boyfriend have to figure out. You should focus on your relationship.

We hope this puts things in perspective for you Dria.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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College Romance: Confused by his intentions

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Dear Friends,

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Thanks again,

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Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Hey Guys,

Ok, here is the deal. I have had a crush on this guy for some time now. He doesn’t know, but we are friends and we participate on an athletic team together. I am in college and have never had a serious relationship. I am an extremely nice, open girl. Many people tell me how comfortable I make them feel when we talk. I feel like I am an attractive girl too.

The other night the guy I am crushing on asked what I was doing that night and we ended up watching a movie with another of my girl friends. After the movie, it ended up just him and me talking for about 2-3 hours about things about him and me. He talked about past relationships and what he is looking for in a girl. He also asked about my past relationships and complimented my humor and such. He told me I was a “chill” girl. Surprisingly, that is what he is looking for in a girl.

Why did he tell me all of this? Part of me wanted to say something like, “I kind of like you.” Should I have? What do you think his intentions are? Is he just treating me like a friend or does he see potential in me? I feel like he can be a sort of flirt sometimes and he may not want a girlfriend now.

What do you think?

Bella

Dear Bella,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, he definitely was fishing around to see if he could get any information from you. And of course subtly telling you he’s interested.

Normally we tell people to be open and upfront, but in your case he needs to make his intentions known by asking you out on a proper date, before you let him know how you feel. We realize you’re in college and that a proper date might be meeting at the student center for a cup of coffee, but either way he should be the one making the first move, especially since you say he can be a flirt sometimes. After a few dates if things seem to be progressing in the “right” way, then by all means you should reveal how you feel.

We’re not quite sure what he meant by a “chill” girl. He probably means you’re easy to talk to, and you’re someone who is comfortable in her own skin. Don’t be surprised, and don’t sell yourself short. Guys love an attractive girl, who’s intelligent, and can also hang with the “BOYS.”

Please keep us updated on your situation. Leave us a follow up comment.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Why did he block and delete me from Facebook?

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Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

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Dear Friends,

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Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Guys,

This happened last year but I’m still upset about it. There was this guy I really liked and we had been talking a lot on Facebook and also texting nearly every day for an entire month. He kept asking me out but I couldn’t because his timing was always bad. But each time I apologized for not being able to go. Then I asked him out and he stood me up.

One day he just suddenly stopped talking to me. It lasted for two weeks and then suddenly he sent me a message on Facebook telling me that he recently got involved with somebody else and he was sorry. I said I was okay with it even though I wasn’t and asked him if we could still be friends and he said it was fine. A week after that I posted a message on his wall basically just to say happy Easter. (Nothing creepy, weird or romantic at all.) And that night he blocked and deleted me off Facebook. I’m confused and am trying to figure out why he did that.

This is not the first time a guy has suddenly stopped talking to me. I feel like I’m cursed because it’s happend SO many times

Dear Jo,

Thanks for your question.

Here’s a likely scenario. He told his new girlfriend about you, and she felt threatened. So he appeased her worry by blocking and deleting you from Facebook. (This may have also been satisfying to him as well since you rejected him so many times.)

We’re not sure why his timing was bad, and why you couldn’t go out with him if you really liked him, but hopefully you’ll be more open next time something like this comes up. Is this a pattern with you? Were you playing hard to get? What’s the deal?

Women might hear that men like the chase, but only to a certain point. After a while we lose interest and focus our attention on something that seems more attainable. It sounds like he may have reached that point with you. It might be something to keep in mind as you go forward. If you really like a guy, try making yourself more available. It might surprise you how well that strategy works.

We’re sorry this didn’t work out for you. And no you’re not cursed.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Should I break up with my video game playing boyfriend?

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Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

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Dear Friends,

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Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Dear Guys,

I feel that I am losing feelings for my current boyfriend. There are a couple of issues with our relationship that I have brought up over the past eight months that we do nothing but fight over and get nowhere in the process.

So here is the issue: My boyfriend started playing World of Warcraft eight months ago which took up a lot of his time. I didn’t mind until it started affecting our activity level. He never wants to do anything besides play this game, eat, and watch TV. Of course, I fell into that with him—well, not the video game part. Eventually I wanted to break out of this. I would have to beg, plead and pout to get him to do anything else. Of course it left me feeling completely unsatisfied because he was not happy being out of the house.

I started doing things without him, but I wanted my boyfriend back! He wanted to move across the country, and I decided to move with him even though I felt extremely reluctant and hesitant about making such a big move when I was already not 100% sure about us. He eventually convinced me by saying things would be so different. They were different for the first two weeks, but two months later I am exploring the new area by myself because he is back to his video games. I don’t know anyone in the area, and after several applications for employment, I still haven’t been able to get a job. (Still trying daily though!)

We are also living with one of his buds and they play video games together in separate rooms, and go fishing, and do boy stuff, which is all fine with me, except I’m left by myself. I am trying to rationalize breaking up with him and moving back. I am depressed and unhappy. I wake up miserable every day and not even a shell of the person I used to be a year ago. He keeps telling me I’m going to regret breaking up with him. He says that I should not have any problem with him because he doesn’t go out drinking all the time, doesn’t cheat on me (but he has on all of his past relationships…besides our first month together I’m the first girl he hasn’t cheated on by this point in a relationship), he doesn’t beat me, and he tells me I’m pretty all the time. I congratulate him on being a good person, but surely he is not that naive.

Basically, from a guy’s perspective, is these good reasons for breaking up? Or am I being a tool?

Leslie

Dear Leslie,

Thanks for your question.

So our question to you is: What are you getting out of this relationship?

What strikes us the most are his priorities and where you fall in the mix. Here’s how we see it in descending order.

1. World of War Craft

2. His buddies

3. Other activities and outings.

4. You

In addition, does he really think he should be complimented for not cheating on you, or not beating you? If he thinks those are qualities that make him an attractive boyfriend he’s missing the point. Those are givens and should be assumed with any relationship you are part of. And we’ll be honest, a bunch of us laughed out loud at the absurdity of the statement.

You need to take a hard look at your situation. Don’t sell yourself short and settle for a relationship that doesn’t make you happy. If you are able to get him more invested in your relationship there might be hope, but it may just be the two of you want different things out of life.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

My boyfriend used to date one of my friends

Getting over him still

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Dating divorced guy who is still in pain

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Hi guys!

I’ve been with my guy for three years now and we have a seventeen month old little boy. I have to admit our relationship has been rocky at times, and a lot of the time it’s because I have self esteem issues and never have felt good enough for him; and I’m worried he will find someone better. Anyway he is having to move away for a year soon to finish his degree. He will be going ten hours away from us. My son and I are staying back at home where I am studying and have support from family and friends. I am very anxious about us being away for that long even though he assures me all the time that he would never cheat on me. I just feel like he is going to meet a girl much better than me and realize he never wants to come back. I wish he didn’t have to go and I’m wondering if a guy really can survive without regular intimacy both physical and emotional for a long period of time. And since I won’t be there, maybe he will naturally and maybe unconsciously let me go.

Thanks guys xx

Nichola

Dear Nichola,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, a guy can survive without regular intimacy for a year. We are no different than women in this regard. In fact your situation has little to do with guys and girls, and much more to do with individuals. Guys who cheat, will cheat no matter what. Distance makes it easier, but for the cheater it doesn’t matter. On the contrary, someone who is going to be faithful will be faithful even if they have to wait for a year, because they have a clear moral compass that’s guiding them. Faithful guys are less narcissistic and are better able to put themselves in their partner’s shoes and say, “How would I feel if she cheated on me?”

Your boyfriend/partner will likely have to “take care” of himself—in that intimate way, if you know what we’re saying. And of course the two of you could always engage in various long distance intimacies—phone sex, text sex, flirtatious emails, etc.—to help connect the two of you in a semi-physical way, and make the time apart pass more quickly.

But there are bigger issues going on here. First of all, Nichola, you have to take him at his word. He says he would never cheat on you, so you have to believe him. Or not. It’s up to you. All of this worry is more about you than it is him, unless he’s given you some cause to be suspicious. You don’t mention that’s the case, so we assume these are your own insecurities playing with your head. And in general if you don’t get a handle on these thoughts and feelings, your relationship will continue to be rocky. He sounds like a patient sort of guy, but if he is constantly having to reassure you, that’s going to get old fast. It’s certainly not a big turn on. And if it continues for too long it might possibly drive him to do the very thing you’re most worried about: leave you.

We don’t know why you feel the way you do, but it’s something you should seek some professional help with. (That’s above our pay grade.) You need to get to the bottom of these feelings otherwise every relationship you have now, and in the future, will be affected, including the relationship you have with your son.

We have faith in you. Clearly you’re an introspective person, and that will serve you well as you look for some answers.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Older guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

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Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question in 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the Ask the Guys page.)

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

My boyfriend used to date one of my friends

Getting over him still

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Dating divorced guy who is still in pain

Dear Guys,

So there’s this guy from Muay Thai class that I like. I met him recently, around 5 months ago, but he is much older than me — I’m 22 and he is 33. We are now having conversations online for at least one hour a night, 70% of which are probably initiated by me, but he seems happy enough talking.

Also for the past two months now, we’ve probably hung out alone together three or four times. We go for casual dinners, watch movies, and play video games till around 3am each time. Even though we’ve been alone he has never initiated any physical contact with me. I have however seen him sneak looks at me while we are watching a movie sometimes. He has never told me what he thought of us and never called us hanging out alone a “date” so I just assumed that to him we are only friends, but is it possible that he could also have feelings for me?

I’m also shy and afraid of saying anything about that to him because it is possible that I am just blinded by my feelings, or misinterpreting things. And saying anything might result in the end of the friendship we currently have. What do you think?

Marina

Dear Marina,

Thanks for your question.

By now, you may have your answer since it took us a few weeks to get to your question. However, we think this is pretty straightforward.

No guy is going to invest that much time with a woman unless he’s interested in her beyond a friendship. However if he truly just wants you as a friend, it’s possible he’s not interested in women in general. (All we’re saying is it’s possible.)

So let’s assume he’s straight and is interested. The age difference isn’t a problem for him. Eleven years in the big picture isn’t a big deal at all, but you are slightly young to embark on a relationship with a guy eleven years your senior. Are you okay with it? Do the two of you seem compatible on many levels? (You should listen to our video on Dating Older Men for more insights.) The fact that he’s probably established in the “adult world” with a job, an apartment, and a routine, means he’s probably in a very different place than you are in your life. It’s likely you’ve just finished college, and are now trying to get established in the world. This gap can often create divisions in a relationship if they’re not talked about frequently. Good communication is vital for a relationship to thrive and endure.

Sometimes the older person in the relationship can be smothering and not allow the younger partner to grow and evolve on their own. Be on the lookout for this, because you will end up being resentful if this occurs. This shouldn’t prevent you from moving forward, it’s just something to be aware of.

Now back to your question. We do think he’s into you. So the question is why hasn’t he made a move on you? Maybe he’s shy? Or maybe he feels a little weird since you are a lot younger than him? He may be attracted to you—that’s why you see him stealing glances—but he’s unsure how he should proceed. He’s doesn’t really know how you’re feeling so he doesn’t want to make a move for fear of being perceived as a pervert, or even worse a predator. If he is feeling this way, this is a good thing, because it means he’s got a solid awareness of his place in the world, and society.

If you want to make it easy on him, drop some hints that you’re interested. You should not be the one who makes the first move, but it’s okay to let him know it’s okay if he does. Of course nothing is guaranteed here Marina, so understand when you attempt to transition a relationship from friendship to romance, things can go either way.

Good luck and keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment and let us know how it goes.

THE GUYS

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The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Episode 40: Being politically correct, a daughter’s triumph, relationships, and more

In this episode:

Katy Perry & Rebecca Black Last Friday Night Video

Segments

Ask the Guys: The Guys put their heads together to help listeners with their questions.

Father Stories: Alex from LA calls to share his daughters triumph.

Stream of Consciousness: Spinning the Big Wheel for random fun.

The Meat: “If you can’t say something nice…” When to hold your tongue and be P.C..

Pop Culture Corner - The party just keeps growing for Rebecca Black as Katy Perry releases the video for her new single “Last Friday Night” which prominently features Rebecca. We talk about why we even care. By the way Sai gives some little known info about one Kenny G too.

Want to win a $25.00 Starbucks Gift Card??? We have a few more places open for our Guy’s Perspective Slow Jam songs contest. We will name the 12 top picks in Episode 41 (2 weeks) For a chance to win call The Guys at 347-855-GUYS or hit our contact page with the subject: Slow Jams and let us know the song or songs that put you in the romantic mood.

The Guy’s Perspective YouTube page is here! What?! Yes, and we already have some great videos up. So check that out and if you would please subscribe and leave us a nice comment while you’re at it. Share us with some friends too.

Questions for Ask the Guys:

Tiera: Help I’m embarrassed of him!

Danielle: Will he come back or is it just a mind game?

Nat: We have strong feelings but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

Sally: What’s his problem?

Father Stories:

Alex from L.A. calls to share his daughter’s victory over training wheels. As a follow up to a story he shared in Ep:23 The Best Gift Ever Alex tells about a gift he received just last week.

Stream of Consciousness: We spin the Big Wheel and come up with random topics for some great conversation… hopefully. This time the words are Rage, Deviation and Bomb and the conversation goes from grandma’s driving to Russian dance club puppetry. Huh? You have to listen.

The Meat: If you can’t say something nice… stories of when to hold your tongue. The great air conditioner – doggy diarrhea debate, the death of Jackass star Ryan Dunn and Roger Ebert’s controversial Tweet. Asking the question “Is it wise to tell your hometown D.B. off?”

Thanks for listening!

The Guy's Perspective Podcast Ep. 40: Being politically correct, a daughter's triumph, relationships, and more [ 59:05 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Getting over him still

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. (Remember, it’s not possible for us to answer every question we receive, but we try our best.)

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

My boyfriend used to date one of my friends

Dear Guys,

My ex and I broke up a while ago. I’ve only been in love one other time besides him and that was 7 years ago. We weren’t even together that long to begin with, but I’ve had a very hard time getting over him. Now enter a new boy. He is great. He embodies everything I like in a guy and all the qualities my ex didn’t have. (Note: My ex was never a bad guy the qualities I’m talking about are a sense of adventure and others along those lines.) We have gone on a few really good dates. Last night we had our first kiss and it was surprisingly nice, although it made me a little uncomfortable. Then I went home and proceeded to dream about my ex and woke up crying. What is wrong with me? I mean this is a great guy I have now and I can’t stop thinking about my ex. Am I still not ready to date? If I’m not then what do I do, because I don’t want to lose this great guy I’m seeing. We are a very good match for each other. The more I try not to think about my ex the more I do think about my ex.

What should I do? I’m so confused and upset right now.

Lee

Dear Lee,

Thanks for your question. We can understand your confusion, but what you’re experiencing is fairly typical.

Up until meeting this new guy, your relationship with your ex may have been over, but the vault was not entirely sealed. Enter new guy, and now, if things progress in a positive way, your relationship with your ex will finally be put to rest. The sadness of the finality of your previous relationship is what you’re feeling.

You don’t say why you broke up with your ex. You also don’t mention who broke up with whom. But obviously something wasn’t right because the two of you split up. Don’t all of a sudden put “rose colored glasses” on when looking back on your relationship with him. That doesn’t mean you have to think negatively, but it’s so easy to remember only the good things. This can even get to the point where people say, “Now, why did we break up again?” And those people often try to reunite, only to realize soon enough the reasons they broke up in the first place.

It could be that you’re not ready for a new relationship, but forge ahead and keep tabs on how you feel. The transition is always filled with complex emotions, especially when sex is factored into the equation. Try to enjoy it too. New love is wonderful!

If your feelings for your ex continue, maybe you will need a new dose of “gamma rays” to remind yourself of why you left in the first place.

Good Luck,

THE GUYS

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My boyfriend used to date one of my friends

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Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Dear Guys,

Okay, so I’m dating this guy who is like perfect for me. Well I found out that he and one of my friends used to “talk.” And well I’m not so much worried about how she feels about it because she has a new boyfriend, who she is like in love with. But well I know they used to talk, but he doesn’t know that I know. And well I feel weird dating him when he and my friend had a “thing.”

So what do I do? I want to stay with him because I really like him, but I just can’t shake this out of my mind….

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

You have no control over what happened before you arrived on the scene. But believe us when we say, we understand your concern. We don’t particularly relish the thought of dating each other’s past girlfriends. Guys especially have a hard time with this. But as we say to one another: Get over it! And that’s exactly what you need to do.

If you really like this guy you need to make a choice. Do you want to live your life controlled by your pride, or do you want to be open to possibility? You can’t have both.

THE GUYS

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This guy said I look swell

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Getting Played: Trust your Gut

Getting Played: Listen to your friends

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

My marine decided to call it quits; is there still hope?

Hey Guys,

A family that I’ve been close with came into town for a couple of days. The family has two sons. One is 18 or 19 yrs. old, and the other son is 23. I am 20 almost 21, which puts me smack dab in the middle of both of them. Throughout the night I talked to both of the guys about what they’ve been up to since they left. At the end of the night I ended up getting hugged three times by the younger one and four times by the older one. Before I turned to leave the older one talked to me on a different level than he has in years past. He gave me one of those hug hugs. You know the kind that means more than friends. After that he told me it was nice seeing me and such, and he said that I’m looking swell. Which caught me off guard since he has never said anything like that before to me. He’s always been nice but it was different tonight.

What does it mean when a guy tells you that you look swell?

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your note.

First of all we don’t know any guys who use the word swell. It seems a funny choice of words, and somewhat antiquated, but we understand what he was trying to say. It’s his way of telling you he thinks you’re really cute, or possibly hot, without revealing his true intentions. Of course to us, his intentions are totally transparent.

It’s clear both of these guys are young and not sure how to approach you. We do understand—since you’re long time family friends—it’s tricky terrain to navigate, but their approach seems so awkward: hugging you and saying you look swell?

But rest assured, they are both into you, unless they’ve always been chronic huggers. Guys love getting hugs from cute women. And these guys snagged seven over the course of the evening! WOW, that’s close to a record.

So who’s it going to be Danielle? Are you interested in the younger brother or the older brother?

We suggest you wait and see what happens on this one. No use creating a family rift. It’s better they work this out internally before one of them pursues you. Eventually one of them will make their intentions known.

Good luck, and keep us posted. We’re definitely curious to hear how this all turns out.

THE GUYS

ps. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take a good amount of time to answer all the questions we get, thoughtfully and thoroughly. Thanks!

Relationship and Dating Advice: Getting Played- Listen to your friends

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Read the Script:

Your boyfriend is a player. And your friends know this, but they’re afraid to tell you, because they aren’t sure how you’ll react. And they don’t think you’ll believe them anyway. So what do you do? You ignore your gut and ignore your friends—because in some ways you don’t really want to know the truth—and then you write to us, complete strangers, asking us to tell you what your friends already know. Your guy is a player.

So why don’t you trust your friends? I mean they are your friends for good reason, right. You must respect their opinion on some level….or maybe not.

What’s the problem? Why don’t you trust them?

Maybe you don’t like their fashion sense. Somehow their clothes are always a bit too big, or even worse, too small, especially that bikini that only covers a few freckles and a random mole.

And their taste in food is even worse than their taste in clothes. They still think the local chinese food is authentic, even though it’s cooked by college co-eds on summer break.

Maybe they like sappy date movies that you can’t stand, or their into faux accessories, since they can’t afford the real Vera Bradley brand…., or maybe they need a GPS to find their way home from work…Fine..but everyday?

Or maybe, just maybe, they’re hotter than you? And you don’t trust them because what the hell do they know since life’s been catered to them since they first batted their eyes in the delivery room.

And even worse they have bad taste in men themselves. They have no clue that their boyfriend is cheating on them, or that he’s hit on you once..or maybe twice. You try to tell them but they don’t listen. Why would they? They’re hotter than you, remember.

But guess what. They don’t trust you either for all the same reasons.

Doesn’t this seem a bit odd to you? You tell your friends everything—every little bit of minutia that comes up during the day. Every opinion you have. Every joke. Your friends know you, often better than you know yourself. But when the topic of your man comes up, you change the subject faster than a high school boy having sex.

So believe us when we say: Trust your friends, because your friends will tell you the truth, if you just ask them.

Men: can’t live with them or without them

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Hi Guys,

I recently met a man while at a work conference. Sadly we met on the last day, while he had been trying to meet me from lunch time day one. (I’m a bit “dense” when it comes to men). We remain in contact, however; he lives a hour flight away. I’m not rushing into anything, but he remains in contact with me via Facebook and text since we met.

How do I let him know I’m interested in getting to know him more without “freaking” him out?

Shall I listen to the media and wait for him to text me each time, or is it acceptable to text him? It is a challenge when the communication is electronic because of lack of body language etc, But he initiated for us to remain in the contact when we went our own ways. He is a doctor, so he is busy with his change of schedule and location. I am a nurse studying post-grad papers, so we are both occupied. I appreciate and accept his life is busy, but wish to let him know, “Hey… I’m here, I want to talk to you more and wish to get to know you.”

He is nice and does text me on his breaks and is quick to reply when I reply to his texts. However, he said he would text me today and now that I have finished having a busy day, I finally thought, “Hey he said he was going to text me.” That has left me wondering if I should I text him??,

What do you suggest?

Meredith

Meredith,

Thanks for your question.

Typically we would suggest letting the guy be the initiator, but taking into account your particular circumstances, we think it’s okay for you to do some of the initiating. Relationships need momentum to get going, like a train working up a head of steam. Without someone taking the lead in a relationship—and yours being a long distance relationship, which is even harder to get going—it will never get off the ground.

We say, go for it. Since he was the one who wanted to remain in contact, it’s obvious he’s interested in you. We can’t say if it’s just a physical attraction, or if he wants a relationship, but he is interested. So go ahead and text him when you feel like it. If he’s into you he’ll be happy you reached out to him. Just don’t go overboard.

Long distance relationships don’t have that natural day-to-day flow to them. They unfold very differently than “same town” relationships, because some of the action has to be forced, otherwise stagnancy occurs. And since so much is done by phone, or other electronic devices, it’s up to the two people involved to by hyper vigilant when it comes to communicating. Hopefully the two of you will develop some routines, and patterns, to help you get to know one another, and help get this relationship off the ground.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask another question.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Multiple questions: Long distance, getting played, quizno’s guy, break up, engagement off

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are doing our best to answer all of them, but we are quite behind in our responses. So today we decided to answer five of your questions, since these are a bit shorter than some of the rest.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you. Because we are not your typical guy site. Most of our readers are women, interested in knowing what’s behind the mind of the male. And we’re happy to provide you with those insights.

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You Tube Video

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Question 1: Long distance

Dear Guys,

I’m in a long distance relationship. It’s been about two and a half years. In the begining he would tell me how much he wanted me and how much he couldn’t wait to see me. He’d make intimate comments. Now, although he tells me he loves me all the time he no longer makes the intimate comments or tells me how much he wants me. This is leaving me feeling less desired.

So my question is: is it possible he still desires me? I will be going to visit in a couple of weeks but feel like the passion might not be there for him so I’m nervous.

Karen

Dear Karen,

Thanks for your question.

It’s always nice to receive loving compliments, especially if they are unsolicited. And it’s equally upsetting if these compliments suddenly disappear. If he used to shower you with loving poetry, and he no longer does, is it possible he’s got something else going on? We’re just wondering out loud here.

By nature, a long distance relationship is often more intense than your typical day-to-day relationship. For a guy, the anticipation of sex is enough for him to do or say anything. If he’s no longer anticipating the sex with the same fierce desire, this could be the reason he no longer compliments you. But it’s not the only reason he might be pulling back. It’s up to you to figure out why. Keep those eyes open and trust your gut. (From our video) Watch above.

We think you’ll get all the answers you need when you visit him next. Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Question 2: Getting Played?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been with this guy for six months. Within the first two months I got an STD. (He was the only one I was with.) I talked to him about it and he yelled at me and told me I was the only one he was with. On top of that I only see him maybe one day out of a week and he has only spent the night with me two times in the last two months.

He has this “A” person who is always calling and texting him. And when I ask about it he yells at me and tells me it’s his sister from another state. Yet I know there was one time his phone rang and I saw that it was “A.” I asked who it was anyways and he said it was a bill collector. Another time I saw he received a text and I saw it was from “A.” When I asked him who he was texting he said his daughter.

He has two kids, a fifteen year old girl and a thirteen year old boy, which I’ve never met. They don’t even know about me. I also have never been to his house. He says he doesn’t want to introduce me to his kids until it feels right. He gets pissed if I don’t answer his calls or texts in a timely manner, or if I decide to do something at the last minute—even when he is not with me. I’ve let him in to my life 110% including my daughter looking at him like her dad.

My questions for you guys are: Do you think he’s playing me or hiding something or someone from me? How long should I wait before I press the issue about his kids? Do you think he’ll ever let me in?

Joann

Dear Joann,

Thanks for your question.

Honestly, the situation sounds very sketchy.

Clearly you don’t trust him, and from what you say, we can understand why. So why are you trying to make this work?

Relationships are all about trust. You’ve let him into your life, but he has barely let you into his. When a guy hides you from his family and friends, it’s a major red flag.

If you really want to know what’s going on, press the issue now. It’s always best to know the truth. Either way you’ll get some answers. And knowledge is much better than uncertainty, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you’re hoping.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

Question 3: The Quizno’s Guy

Dear Guys,

So about two months ago I went to get Quizno’s. As I walked up to the counter, a cute guy started started talking to me as if we knew each other. As he was taking my order we ended up having a really odd conversation that most people wouldn’t normally have. We had great chemistry and quick and quirky comebacks for everything that was being said. It was one of those moments that only happens in movies or on TV. (It felt like we were the only ones in the Quizno’s shop.) As odd as that sounds, it was a feeling I never had the pleasure of experiencing. So my question for you is: is this something to look into or should I just let it be and let nature take its course?

P.S. As i was turning to leave I caught him turn and smile all kid like at his co-worker. His co-worker just gave him a sneaky/grin expression.

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question. We love your story! It’s amazing when something like this happens–and not in the movies!

Well what do you think? What’s your gut telling you?

We say go for it. What’s the worst that can happen? So you can’t go to that particular Quizno’s anymore. What’s the best that can happen? Hmmm………Exactly!

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Question 4: The Break Up

Dear Guys,

Well, I was in a relationship with a guy for two and a half years. We broke up last month. We were madly in love, and then suddenly we were broken up. He said we can’t be happy when we’re together because I’m kinda needy and clingy. Apparently, he needs his own space and ‘single time’.

I’m going through a very hard time without him. But I know that he still loves me. He said that he wouldn’t contact me but he contacted my sister last week and asked about me. I didn’t let her give any information about me. I just want to disappear and get away from him. But I’m hoping that he will find me one day. Everyone around me is telling me that he will find me one day.

Will it really happen?

Soba

Dear Soba,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re in so much pain. Break ups are very difficult—like losing a part of yourself.

Having said that, sometimes break ups are necessary. And if your man is saying he needs single time, that’s a pretty strong message, and one you need to respect. It also says the two of you are in very different places in your life. Relationships are as much about timing as they are about love. Right now the timing is off between the two of you.

We can’t say whether or not the two of you will get back together. We imagine it’s going to take some time before you really know the answer to that question. For now, let yourself grieve, but try and get out and spend time with the people who love you: your family and friends. We know it’s hard, but try and enjoy the simple things in life for now. Unfortunately you don’t have any control over his actions, so you’ll have to just wait and see.

Take care and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Question 5: Broken Engagement

Hey guys!

My ex-fiance and I were together for over two years and were engaged, planning a wedding, etc. We were really great together and I just knew he was the one—until I found out that he cheated on me for two months by sending unsavory pictures and having racy conversations with this girl. I caught him and he confessed. But I’ll bet this was not the first girl.

We spent a few weeks apart and then talked things out and I forgave him. But I couldn’t really forget how it made me feel. I started to become a bit paranoid, wondering if it would happen again. I didn’t voice these concerns much. This led to several arguments—some heated—because he seemed uninterested, and he didn’t want to be intimate much anymore.

For a couple that had never really argued before, this was major. Just four months after finding out about the cheating, he breaks up with me suddenly, claiming that we’d get divorced if we were married and were simply too dysfunctional, which I believe to be the worst cop-out I’ve heard. He refuses to give me reasons, meet up with me, or talk to me in general. It’s like he’s forgotten we ever planned a life together and were a couple. I don’t know what to think. He’d been going to the gym a lot lately— nearly obsessing over it—and hanging out with a homosexual friend of his. He also admits he thought he was bi-sexual. I don’t even begin to know what to do. This was the guy that I was supposed to marry and now it seems like I never knew him at all. Please help!

Whitney

Dear Whitney,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through a difficult AND confusing time.

Clearly the guy you fell in love with, got engaged to, and wanted to spend your life with, is not the man you thought he was. As you say, it’s likely he was “exploring” other options—in addition to the one you know about— while the two of you were together.

You are not the first person to have your trust betrayed, and you won’t be the last. Don’t blame yourself, or question yourself too much. These things happen to the best of us. And honestly, your ex is searching right now. Do you really want to be along for that ride? It sounds like it might be a long, and tumultuous one.

The consensus here with all of us is: your guy has actually done you a favor. Even though it’s very sad now, sometime down the road, when you’re in a loving and trusting relationship, you’ll thank your ex-fiance for letting you go.

For now, hang in there. Spend time with good friends and family. Try to remember all the things you loved before you met him, and throw yourself back into them. But unfortunately you’re not going to get all the answers you need from him, because he’s searching for his own answers.

Good luck, and keep us posted. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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Boyfriend who has a history of doing unsavory things

If you have a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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A confused girl; the prom

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Hi Guys,

I originally posted this in the wrong section of your website. Here it is again, in the correct section. I really need your help on this one, Guys! Thanx!…

From THE GUYS: We’re assuming names have been changed.

My 44 y/o boyfriend “Joe” and I have been together for 6 months (and known each other for 1 1/2 years. My boyfriend has been “friends” with “Diane” (approx 48 years old) for 15 years (SHE is the step sister of his ex-wife – – Needless to say, the exW and my bf hate eachother, and “Diane” and the step sis hate eachother as well. Yet… Joe and Diane CONTINUE to remain “friends”.

Problems I’m having are these:

1) My boyfriend’s friend is married and has had a VERY rocky marriage. She continually COMPLAINS ABOUT her current husband WITH my boyfriend. What if this girl is “sexually promiscuous” toward/with my boyfriend????

Diane and Joe say “no, we’re just friends”… I HAVE DIFFICULTY BELIEVING IT, AND CAN’T SEEM TO GET OVER THESE THOUGHTS. Yes, I lack TRUST in him. Why? Because of his track record with women… 2 divorces, cheated on first wife 20 yrs ago, used this other woman over the past 3 years for oral sex, and pretty much admitted he used her even though he wasn’t attracted to her.

2) He is VERY protective of this “Diane” friend of his. I can’t say ONE thing about her, or he will jump all over me verbally until I understand that it’s “not my place” to get involved in THEIR relationship.

3) She AND he keep ME out of THEIR relationship. I don’t understand WHY I am not allowed in… In fact, I DON’T even WANT to be part of it, because I DON’T THINK “THEIR RELATIONSHIP” should exist. I THINK THEIR “RELATIONSHIP” is a totaly disrespectful of my relationship with my BF. Am I wrong????

4) Those two call each other daily. They visit each other’s houses atleast 1x/week and supposedly “talk” and “discuss” whatever it is they “discuss” (apparently she vents about her drug addictions, problems with her husband, etc…). Anyway, NEITHER Joe NOR Diane see these daily phone calls/weekly visits as disrespectful of the relationship between my bf and I.

5) She can’t stand me… absolutely dislikes me immensely. She’s told him this. He doesn’t defend “us”. I feel totally insulted, hurt, and disrespected… it’s disgusting to even think about.

Anyway, please let me know what you think of all of this.
What do I do to resolve all of this?

I’ve suggested “all three” of us talking about this, getting it all out in the open. My boyfriend says, “Absolutely NOT!”.

Thanx,

Ariana

P.S. ….Note to self: As I write this, I wonder, don’t I think enough of myself to NOT be with this man? What am I doing? Do I NOT respect myself enough, that I ACCEPT this stuff?

P.P.S. He says he “loves” me about 5-8 times a day. I say it too. He calls me every day, we visit eachother every day… we eat dinner together and hang out and talk, watch t.v., laugh, talk about work, say I love you, hug alot, hold hands, and even dance together. But I’m utterly LOST and confused. I’m also AFRAID he’ll have sex with this “Diane” friend (if he hasn’t already over their “15 yr” so-called “friendship”

Oh, and WHY do I love this guy? I love ALL the “OTHER” parts of him… except the “unsavory” stuff I mentioned above. I try not to think about it – - it’s not easy. I love his hugs and kisses, his softness toward me, the laughs we have, coffee together every morning, the sex, our dancing together, our long talks, and beautiful dinners at home together. …I love just about EVERYTHING about Joe, except the crummy stuff (if that makes ANY sense). I suppose one can’t separate the good from the bad, cuz it is all one package. That’s why I’m so conflicted.

Where do I go from here, Guys. What do I do? What OF this DIANE chick? Why does he choose such a “broken”, “messed up” (to use his words) friend as DIANE to be his BEST Friend (other than me, his supposed girlfriend)?

Too many questions, sorry, but this all hurts so much. I feel SO conflicted. I feel like I have no respect for myself, and well… I SHOULD.

Dear Ariana,

Thanks for writing to us.

We see multiple issues going on here. First of all you’ve only been dating “Joe” for six months. And while that is plenty of time to become very close, it pales in comparison to all the history he has with his friend “Diane.” They’ve known each other for 15 years, and have been through a lot of trying times together, which has brought them closer together, however unhealthy it may seem to you.

We commend “Joe” for sticking with his friend, even though it’s clear that she has many issues she needs to work through. (And those issues are way beyond the scope of what we talk about here.) It sounds like they need each other at this point, and maybe through their shared history, they actually help support one another. Remember, this friendship, or relationship, has been going on long before you were in the picture, so it would take a lot to supplant it. Your best approach is to try to understand it and get him to tell you why he values the relationship so much without accusing him, although it may be too late for this since it’s been such a source of discourse between the two of you.

Further more, there’s nothing wrong with a friend of the opposite sex as long as it doesn’t impinge on the primary relationship. However, in your case we agree with you; his relationship with her is starting to impact your relationship because of the close emotional ties he has with her. These ties don’t allow him to be truly open to someone new, but maybe he wants it that way. That’s a larger issue that also needs to be resolved. Why is this relationship so important to him, to the point where he refuses to include you and compromise any aspect of it?

We can’t speak to the physical aspect of their relationship. He says there’s nothing going on and you still wonder. So what’s that all about? Yes, his history is a bit “storied” but people can change. Sure some guys are serial cheaters, but sometimes it’s the situation that brings out that side of people. We don’t condone cheating on any level, but we understand that people are human, and sometimes when people feel trapped, or overwhelmed the behave in unsavory ways. It is true that once you cheat it’s easier to cheat again, but we also know guys who’ve cheated once and wouldn’t do it again. (So they say.) If you’re going to be in a relationship with this guy you have to accept his past and keep it in the past. You have to accept him for who he is now, because all of his past has defined him and made him the man you love—yes, even his moments of weakness with the “other” girl. If he is actually cheating on you currently that’s a whole other story. If that ends up being the case, then by all means you should move on immediately.

Ariana, you need to have trust in your relationship to be able to go the distance. You tell us all the reasons you love this man, but at the same time you don’t trust him at all. That’s quite a disparity, and no way to conduct, or advance a relationship. All it’s doing is making you confused, upset, anxious, and stressed out. And if it continues it will slowly whittle away your self-esteem, and cause resentment and anger. And it goes from there.

So, you need to get him talking. (Maybe couples counseling) If you can’t get him to understand where you’re coming from, and also understand where he’s coming from, we only see this relationship continuing in the same way it’s continuing. All this peripheral stuff: his friendship, his past actions, his stubborness, are all symptoms of larger issues going on for you and him. And in some ways you both seem like you’re struggling with some of the same things: self-worth and trust in other people.

Finally, sometimes relationships don’t work out simply because they are too hard. Meaning, sometimes there are so many things to deal with that the good times are constantly overshadowed by the weight of all the other issues. At some point you need to evaluate this relationship and decide if it’s going to work for you, and him. Love isn’t always enough. (And we hate to say that, because we believe in fairy tales as much as the next guy.)

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, and/or question. And feel free to ask another question down the road.

THE GUYS

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Age gap in my relationship; lack of trust

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Recent questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

I’m with someone who has feelings for their ex

Love or friendship?

Friends with benefits

Am I being used?

Online dating question

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

I am 22 year old woman and I’m dating a 44 year old man. We have been dating for almost 5 months. We have had our share of loving moments and tense moments, but I care for him dearly and go out of my way to make him happy. We have some trust issues, since I went through his phone and found some pictures of other girls. The only thing is, he still holds it over my head that I went through his phone. In addition to the one-time phone incident, he saw a picture of a guy friend of mine on my camera and thought I was cheating on him. He thinks that I lie to him about where I am and what I am doing. Lately he will just randomly start thinking about it, get angry, and will start a fight. Now when he fights, he goes below the belt (verbally). He says all of the meanest, rudest things he can think of to me. I hold my tongue because I have learned not to say things I don’t mean to someone I deeply care about.

I just want him to be happy, so do you you think I should just give us some space or should I keep trying to make things work?

Nikki

Dear Nikki,

Thanks for writing to us.

Your relationship is missing the most important ingredient of any relationship: trust. Neither of you seem to trust the other person, which has begun to create a serious crevasse in the foundation of your relationship. If you want to make this work you need to get to figure out the source of this mistrust and go from there.

So what made you so suspicious that you felt you needed to go through his phone? Was he doing something that made you wonder? (Not returning phone calls, disappearing for a day or night, being evasive when questioned.) If he was doing these things we can see why you’d wonder if he was cheating on you. But at the same time, you do realize you can’t go through someone’s phone? Because where do you go from there? If you find some evidence that confirms your suspicions, what do you do with that information? Once you reveal that information he’ll learn how you gathered the info and then it can only go downhill from there. And if you don’t find anything but he finds out you went through his phone, he’s not going to trust you. (Which happened) All in all, it’s better to ask someone directly than to use covert means to find out the information. Of course then you have to figure out if they are telling the truth or not.

As far as your fighting goes: people need to be careful how they fight. His verbal attacks sound out of line and should not be tolerated by you. Fighting happens in relationships, but it’s the WAY couples fight that determines whether or not they will stay together. Right now they way he is fighting doesn’t make us very hopeful for your relationship continuing much longer.

Nikki, we aren’t going to tell you what to do, but overall your relationship sounds broken, and unless you do some serious work together, it’s going to remain broken even if you have periods of tenderness here and there. We can see that beneath all the layers of mistrust that both of you care for each other, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to work. We also think your ages are playing a part in all of this. Twenty two years might not be a wide gap if you were 44 and he was 66, but at 22 and 44, that’s quite an age gap. He’s gotten to experience so much more of life than you, and that’s playing a part in your lack of trust. And the fact that you’re a cute, 22 year old woman is playing a part in his jealousy and anger.

Our advice: Take what you learned in this relationship and apply it to the next one, maybe with a guy who’s a little closer in age.

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment, and keep us posted. Feel free to ask another question in the future. Subscribe to our blog feed or podcast feed. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Friends with benefits

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Recent questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Love or friendship?

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Dear Guys,

I’ve been doing this “friends with benefits” thing with a friend of mine for about a little over a month now. He was recently in a serious relationship, as was I. I made it clear that I was not looking for a relationship and he did as well. We made rules and came to agreements about the situation. One of the major agreements being that we wouldn’t fall for each other and that if one of us did develop feelings we would back out. However, I am starting to develop feelings for him. I get the feeling that he is harboring romantic feelings towards me as well. He’s doing little things like reaching for my hand, running his fingers through my hair, or just pecking me on the lips every once in a while. But he pulls back whenever this side of him starts to show. I am not saying that I necessarily want a relationship with him, but I can’t help but feel this tension between us-not just sexual. I have no idea what to do. I’ve never been in this situation before. I don’t know if I should just ignore my feelings and continue to have fun, or drop the bomb and get it over with. It would also be helpful if you guys could maybe help me understand what this guys mindset might be?

I’d be grateful for any insight you guys might be able to offer… HELP!

Morgarita

Dear Morgarita,

Thanks for your question.

We don’t know who coined the phrase “friends with benefits” but it certainly has become part of the relationship landscape. In some ways it’s a great situation. It’s safe: meaning you’re limiting your number of partners and cutting down the risk of STDs. And the sex is often great because there’s an immediate comfort level, but still with the initial excitement of an early stage relationship. However, it’s also ripe for confusion, frustration, and hurt feelings.

We tend to think guys benefit more from this type of relationship because they seem better able to separate their emotions from their physical desires. We’re not surprised that after a month or so you’re already developing feelings for your friend. It’s natural. Women tend to look for a partner who is funny, smart, interesting, and stable. Sure, good looks and a hot body are important, but they don’t necessarily determine whether or not a woman will fall for a guy. This guy you’re with probably has all of these qualities otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been his friend before you started sleeping with him.

For men, good looks and good sex, are usually must haves. That’s not to say we’re so shallow that we don’t care about humor, smarts, and other important qualities, it just means if we’re not attracted physically the game is over. But one important point to note: men can have sex with a woman and not be interested in anything more. Yes, we like to connect with the women we love through sex, but that doesn’t mean we love all the women we have sex with.

It’s hard to say what is going on his mind. The tender moments you describe could be him falling for you, or they could be part of blurred boundaries that will continue to happen in this relationship you so carefully and cautiously set up. Putting rules in place seems like a very practical thing to do, but rules and relationships have never been ideal partners, because the heart is going to do what it wants without consulting the head. And in your case, that’s what’s happening.

So we say go for it. Get it over with. Drop the bombshell. It’s been about two weeks since you asked this question, so that puts your relationship at around the two month mark. That’s certainly a reasonable time in which to have a more serious discussion, especially since you’ve already been partaking in activities that usually accompany a more serious commitment.

If he tells you he’s not interested you can always salvage your “friends with benefits” relationship. He will still be interested in that scenario pretty much no matter what you say to him. It might be awkward for a little bit, but trust us, he’ll want to continue at some point unless he finds someone else. Of course, we don’t know what you’d get from going back to the way it was if you truly want more from the relationship than just sex. It seems to us, if you do drop the bombshell, you should be prepared for the best and worst. Hopefully he feels the same as you and wants to take this to the next level. And if he doesn’t, at least you’ll have your answer. We’ll say it again, and probably another 100 times: nothing venture, nothing gained.

Good luck Morgarita. We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

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Love or friendship?

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Last few questions:

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Dear Guys,

So this is a long story but here we go.. I’m in need on an emergency session! I was with my boyfriend for five years, and we moved in with my best friend and her boyfriend of two years. My friend and her boyfriend ended up splitting due to her being unfaithful. But me, my boyfriend, and her ex ended up keeping the house. After a few months I noticed that I started developing feelings for my roommate(her ex) and I asked my best friends their opinions.

My best friend of fifteen years moved in with us and knowingly started to go after my roommate just because I had a boyfriend. They hooked up like two times and eventually I found out and it really hurt me.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and my roommate and I have been hooking up-like ALL the way. I really like him, and he said he likes me but I just feel like I might be getting played. My best friend still lives with me but unfortunately we do not speak at all due to some rumors I found out to be true. Also, I’m going to end up losing my other friend who dated my roommate previously once she finds out we hooked up. I really feel amazing to be single again. I’m only 20 years old and after five years I feel so liberated. But at the same time I really do like this guy. I feel like we should take it slow because he could be the one. I never pictured myself with a guy like this, but I’m completely baffled by him and just really need some advice. My emotions and nerves are everywhere.

Help?!

Cort

Dear Cort,

Thanks for writing to us. Sorry you are so frazzled.

But our first reaction is: wow!? If we read your note correctly, you and two of your friends have either dated or hooked up with your current roommate. Does that mean there aren’t a lot of eligible guys where you live, or is this one particular guy that special?

Let’s chat about your friends first. In the world of guys there is a code of conduct when it comes to hitting on women that your buddies have expressed interest in. (Meaning it’s a no, no.) And most guys adhere to this policy. But it sounds like anything goes with you and your friends. When your girlfriend moved in with you did you tell her you were interested in your roommate? If you did, and she still hooked up with him, she doesn’t seem like much of a friend. But on the flip side, you can’t expect people to be hands off some guy you’re possibly interested in when you have a boyfriend yourself. That’s a bit unrealistic.

As far as this guy goes, he’s got it made. He has women throwing themselves at him and he doesn’t even have to leave his apartment. He must feel like one lucky guy. That doesn’t make him a player, more an opportunist. But in your case, neither is all that savory.

We know you say you have feelings for this guy, but you have a lot of sorting out to do. First you need to figure out who your friends are and what role they’re playing in your dating life? Then you need to decide what you really want? Do you want to be single and play the field, or do you want to be in a relationship with this guy? And if you want to be in a relationship with him, do you want it to be exclusive? Because right now he has no reason to change his behavior.

The only way to see what might happen is to let him know you’re interested. Talk to him. See where his head’s at. The problem is that you’ve already set up one type of relationship with him, and sometimes it’s difficult to make a change from one type of relationship-a hook up- to a more serious and committed relationship. It’s more than likely he’ll file away the pleasant memories of this moment in time, and then move on and find a girl he wants to be serious with.

The only way to find out is by putting yourself out there and taking a risk. We wish you the best. It’s not pleasant to do that, but it’s necessary. If it doesn’t work out, you’re probably better off moving out of your apartment and starting over fresh.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

He’s back but is he into me?

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Last week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex(Read comments)

This week’s questions:

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Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

So I dated this guy for a few months. We both discussed a relationship being an option. He owns his own business and after a few months he told me he was just too busy for anything right now. He had been traveling a lot. Then I thought again that maybe he was just not that into.

A few months have passed again and now he’s starting IMing me online. He said we should cook dinner together soon and he also gave me a couple recipes. He said I’m going to expect dinner in exchange for these recipes one of these days. We’ve been talking online for the past couple weeks, but he hasn’t text me or called me yet. I’m a bit confused and being cautious with this because I don’t want to get hurt. I’m just laying low with everything and I guess waiting for him to make the moves again. Mostly because I don’t want him to feel pressured. Is he into me again or should I just not make anyhting of it?

Karen

Dear Karen,

Thanks for writing to us.

Typically if guys are really into the woman they are dating they don’t say they don’t have time for anything right now. They might say that BEFORE anything got going, if they were starting their own business, or maybe studying for some big exams, etc, But once a guy starts dating a woman, it’s unlikely they’d back out completely unless they were a bit unsure, or not that into it.

Our gut tells us he’s contacted you again because he’s either bored, lonely, or has a lull in his business so he’s looking for some company with benefits.

In general we don’t like to see this sort of inconsistent behavior. It is all about consistency, so we’d be cautious here. However, if you’re able to just have some fun it might be okay, but we don’t think he’s interested in anything more than that.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Mixed Signals; is he just playing me?

Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Other questions on “Getting Played”

Am I being played again?

Different Cultures; is he more than a friend, less than a lover?

Did I get played by this girl? and The Party Guy

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

__________________________

Hi Guys,
I met this guy at the gym. I made the first move by introducing myself to him because we were having lots of eye contact. He was pretty respectful and nice. He added me on Facebook and was always talking to me and texting me. We went to the movies during the week.

The next night, he wanted to go to the pool and it was really fun. We went in the sauna with closed lights and we kissed and stayed there for three hours. After that I don’t know what happened. We started talking less and then I wasn’t sure if he was interested because we didn’t talk about it. We didn’t talk for around two weeks, and he only texted me occasionally.

Then, one of his friends started flirting with me and this guy got jealous and said his friend was a player. Then, one night, I just thought to myself that I should be straightforward with him just to be clear. So I called him to meet up. But he couldn’t. I told him I wanted to meet face to face. But he wanted to know then so I told him everything-how it was weird between us now, and kind of awkward. He said it was, but it’s because we didn’t know each other for very long. He didn’t say much more and I said we should talk more when I see him.

I felt so much better after this! At least, he knew what I thought and that I don’t play games. I then saw him again at the gym and we didn’t talk because I didn’t make the move to talk to him even though we looked at each other a bunch.

Did I make it clear that I was interested? And is he giving mixed signals? And should I just move on? Should I talk to him more at the gym? He is not making the move.

Thank youuu!!

Rose

Dear Rose,

Thanks for your question.

We’re not sure what’s up with all this partial hooking up leading to confusion, but it seems we’ve gotten a lot of questions like this recently.

We don’t think you got played, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to be in a relationship with you. He might, but he might not. You can only be played if there’s deception going on. And it doesn’t sound like there is because the two of you never discussed anything. So yes to mixed signals, but no to getting played.

But Rose, he should be the one pursuing you, especially now that the two of you have had a “moment.” If he’s not pursuing you then he’s probably not interested in you, or he’s not interested in a relationship; and for all intents and purposes the two are the same.

However, if you don’t want to feel any regret, put yourself out there and tell him how you feel, and what you want. But don’t do this at the gym. You need to meet with him some place where the two of you can be alone, or at least talk in private. If it’s really difficult to get him to do this, then that will tell you all you need to know.

And remember, if you’re wondering, should I or could I have done more before I moved on, then you probably could have. Talk to him and keep us posted.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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