The Guy’s Perspective

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed. And relationship videos coming soon.

Thanks so much.

Also: for smart writing, interesting topics, and a great community of bloggers, check out our friend Judie at:

http://rogueartistsspeak.blogspot.com

Recent questions:

Boyfriend who has a history of doing unsavory things

Being played by my woman?

How does he like to be licked? and… Am I too controlling?

Possible Porn Addict

We met and then I left the country

Dating Problems: I keep wanting to leave

Am I misinterpreting my friend?

This guy at my school

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Hear the interview with Actor Charles Shaughnessy. You might know him from the sitcom “The Nanny.”

The Guy’s Perspective Ep. 38: Actor Charles Shaughnessy interview, 12 items or less, contests

Dear Guys,

So I fell hard for this genuine Christian guy who is going into the marines next year. We both got into the relationship knowing that he would be leaving in January.

He chased after me, and it was different from my last relationhips because he worked hard to keep me. He was overall a good guy, but never had been in a relationship before so this was all new to him. Well, all in all, we complimented eachother well, and fell hard. I thought that his parents liked me to until he randomly (outta nowhere) he broke it off.

Now he is almost 20 years old, lives in a wealthy neighborhood, and his parents are a huge influence in his life. And when he said it was over, he kept mumbling about his parents and pastor telling him stuff wasn’t okay. But when I straight up asked him if this was what he wanted he looked torn and wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I was so blown away, and I didn’t see this coming. What ended up happening was his mom actually told me she thought I was a liar and bad influence on him. She was dragging out dumb stuff that wasn’t a big deal but making it sound like it was. All in all I got hurt by him and his mom, and he hasn’t talked to me since. It’s been about 3 weeks.

My question is do you think he’ll ever come around, or should i just let it go and completely forget him forever? I just need insight I guess.

Phoenix

Dear Phoenix,

Thanks for writing to us. This type of question seems to be coming up a lot lately.

Parents are supposed to guide their children not control them. But since many of us(THE GUYS) are parents ourselves, we understand how fine a balance this can be. When parents try to control their kids it often stems from some kind of fear. It sounds like that’s the case here. His mother is scared you’ll derail her son from the path she has so carefully laid out for him. But eventually he needs to start making his own decisions, otherwise he’s going to have a hard time forging his own relationships.

The problem you have here Phoenix has less to do with his mother and more to do with your boyfriend. We don’t know if it’s his religious background or his desire to please his parents, but if he’s not willing to stand up to them for you, he might not be worth hanging around for.

Freud understood how strong a bond mothers and sons have. And you can learn a lot about a guy by his relationship with his mother. (Not always 100% accurate, but a good indicator.) But the relationship becomes unhealthy when a son becomes a “mama’s boy” and never breaks free from her influence, even as an adult. When guys continue to heed their mother’s word above their current girlfriend or god forbid, their wife, that’s when it becomes a huge problem.

We understand this boy is young. Twenty is not that old in the grand scheme of male maturation, but it’s old enough for him to start thinking for himself.

So we’ll answer your question with a question. If he’s not willing to stand up for your relationship, is he someone you want to wait around for?

Hope this gives you the insight you were looking for. Leave us a follow up comment, and keep us abreast of the situation.

THE GUYS

ps. Spread the word. Tell your friends on Facebook. Subscribe to our podcast and/or blog. Videos coming soon. Thanks!

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Last week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex (Read comments)

Dear Guys,

I am 18, dating a 21 yr old marine. He seems to be the man of any girls’ dreams. He has just recently started staying over night. He has met my family and my parents approve, which was hard for my dad. So here is the confusion. We have been dating just over a month. He is telling me he wants more than just a relationship. He says he wants to take me to meet his parents in a different state. I know he has already told them about me. But in the past week I have been put on the back burner. He hardly calls. When he does call it is short and he says he will call back and then doesn’t. Then he will text and say sorry for not calling, and say he is thinking about me. He only says he “loves” me when we are alone. He doesn’t hide me, we go out to the movies and dinner and I have met some of his friends. I just feel like he might be hiding something. So if you guys could help me out with this one it would be much helpful.

DeeDee

Dear DeeDee,

Thanks for your note.

We can see why you’d be confused. Our first reaction to your letter is, why are you moving so fast with this guy? It’s only been a month and he’s already met your parents, and now he wants you to meet his? The only thing we can think of is he’s being deployed soon, and you both feel the need to square some things away before he leaves. But still, we think you should slow things down a bit and really get to know one another better.

His inconsistent behavior should give you pause to wonder. He’s already proven to be unreliable, and reliability is a pretty important quality to look for in a long term partner. If nothing else it should tell you that you need to get to know him a lot better before you start making all sorts of promises. He should get to know you better as well. We can’t say for sure what’s going on, but trust your gut. Something is going on.

And why is he the man of any girls’ dreams? You don’t say. But be careful if you’re judging by only looks and charm. That can get old pretty fast if some of the more important qualities are lacking.

DeeDee, you’re 18. We’re not going to say you’re too young to find the man of your dreams, but you are young in the grand scheme of things. So we say, take your time with this guy. Maybe you could rewind a bit and go out on some more dates before you continue to have him stay over for the night. If his inconsistent behavior continues you need to ask yourself if he’s the kind of man you really want. Because we can tell you for sure, if he’s exhibiting this kind of behavior now, he’s unlikely to change.

Have some patience with life, and enjoy being 18. If it doesn’t work out with this guy, you have plenty of time to explore the world, and meet new people.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Hello Guys,
My name is Stephanie and I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We are both in the military so of course we are apart most of the time. Things were great at the beginning, but we went through some rough times. We got through them though.

I found out he had cheated on me and I forgave him. He promised to change and he did. I deployed, and well our relationship became very distant, and I ended up cheating on him, and he found out about it as well. He told me we would work through it, and we did. However I kept in contact with this other guy for a while and my boyfriend told me to stop all communication with him. I told him I would but I didn’t. So this in fact brought more problems to our relationship. So I eventually cut off communication with this guy and I have been trying to prove myself to my boyfriend ever since.

However, I feel that he has become very distant towards me. He is busy with work, but he does not seemed to be bothered by the fact that I am scared for our relationship. He tells me everything is fine, and that I am just paranoid!
I find myself bringing up things that start an argument between us, and then we get upset and end up not speaking to each other for days.

I am supposed to go see him in about 2 weeks and I’m excited but scared at the same time. He always tells me that we are fine and that I need to stop with all the accusations and talk about us not being okay because we are.
He says that the reason he is distant is because I always want to argue and he is tired of it. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

He says that he is still in love with me and that he obviously does love and care about me. I’m just confused. I don’t know if I am paranoid or if this is really over??

Can someone please give me some advice.

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

Thanks for writing.

Your relationship is only over when you decide you don’t want to try anymore, or if your boyfriend decides he doesn’t want to try anymore. What’s happened is that the trust between the two of you has been damaged by both of your indiscretions. That type of damage can last a long time, even if you’ve worked through a lot of it. Earning back trust can take years, and often it’s never earned back. Feel good that you’ve both forgiven each other. Most couple don’t get that far.

The long distance nature of your relationship also adds to the overall feeling of insecurity and uncertainty you’re feeling. You have to rely on words alone, not body language, or a daily hug, or anything else that might make you feel more certain about the relationship. And when trust has already been breached, the distance only exacerbates the problem.

So the question is, do you believe what he’s saying? And that’s solely up to you Stephanie. He sounds sincere when he says he still loves you. But do you believe him?

We can understand why he doesn’t want to argue anymore. Arguing is exhausting, emotionally and physically, and if that’s all you’re doing right now, that’s even more exhausting. Once again the distance just amplifies this, because communication is being done by phone, Skype, email or text. Once you hang up, or finish the last email, you are both left feeling sad and lonely, with no one to process with. That’s tough.

You two need to do some talking that’s for sure. However, you also need to remember that you love each other. What we mean is, you need to remember WHY you fell for each other in the first place. This means, enjoying each other’s company WITHOUT fighting or arguing, at least for this next visit.

So maybe you need to trust the words he’s saying and just try to enjoy your upcoming visit. If you’re truly going to be together, you don’t need to hash everything out when you see him in a few weeks. Try having some fun, and postpone all the heavy stuff for another time. Celebrate what brought you together in the first place. But make a pact that at some date in the near future you’re going to discuss your relationship. That should not be ignored, and he should be on board with this. You in particular need to process how you’re feeling, and he should respect that and be open to it. But you also need to respect that he’s tired of arguing, and try to be a little lighter, at least for now.

If you still love him Stephanie, you owe it to yourself to keep trying. After this upcoming visit, you’ll have a much better sense of how you feel, and how he feels. We can’t say whether it will work out or not, but you won’t have any regrets, and that’s all you can really ask of yourself in this life.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Readers: We enjoy answering your questions and giving advice, and we work hard at it. Support the guys, and consider a donation. Just click the Donate button on any page of our site. Thanks!