My husband of seven years moved out

Readers: Here is a link to many other posts we’ve written about separation and divorce. Click Here  Just scroll down to read all posts. Thanks. 

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Dear Guys,

My husband of seven years moved out in April. I had gotten up to tend to our new daughter (we also have 6 yo twins) and noticed his cell was lit up. There were non-work related flirty texts from not one, but two married co-workers on the phone. When I asked him to explain he blew up and left saying he wanted space. He promises nothing is going on with either but has not apologized and removed my access to the phone bill.

I was shocked. He is a quiet, calm man and we have always been close. Or at least I thought. We have had our ups and downs but it’s all standard marriage gripes not anything dramatic. Now, he refuses to move back home, work on the marriage or even make a decision and it has now been five months. He comes and goes with visiting the kids but does nothing to help care for them or our home.

On Saturdays it’s as though he is gone for the weekend (stays the night, is affectionate, pays attention to the kids etc.) unless I bring up the separation. Then he says he doesn’t want to be married but has yet to file.

I love him and am trying with every ounce of strength in me to be patient, and to give him time and to keep hope alive that our marriage can survive. Am I being an idiot? Or can a 32  year old man have a mid-life type crisis? Very confused…

Kate

Dear Kate,

We’re sorry. We know this separation is difficult. And the future, uncertain and scary. Maybe we can shed some light on his feelings and intentions.

This could be a mid-life crisis. So what does that actually mean? Usually a mid-life crisis is when someone looks at their life and says, “Is this how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? Is it going to be the same old boring stuff, day in and day out?” When someone starts thinking along those lines a crisis sets in. They call it a mid-life crisis because it typically happens around mid-life, usually somewhere between 40-50. But it can happen earlier.

But just because he moved out, and you think he’s changed, doesn’t mean he’s having a mid-life crisis. It could be just that he’s questioning the relationship, and wondering if he still feels committed and in love. That’s not necessarily a mid-life crisis but it’s definitely a crisis for him, and for you. And of course, your kids.

It’s fine to be patient and give him time, but the two of you need to start working on these issues as soon as you can. The longer it goes, the more disconnected he’s going to become. Talking together with a couples counselor would be a good place to start. But you can only ask him to do that. Actually, you can urge him to do that. Hopefully he’ll oblige. But in the end you can’t force him to do anything. If he won’t work with you to resolve whatever issues need to be resolved, then you’ll have no choice but to pick up the pieces and move on.

Kate, remember, as sad as this might be—it’s too soon to tell yet—you still need to be strong for your kids. We encourage you to surround yourself with people who love you—close friends and family—to help you get through this difficult time. We hope that your husband will come to his senses and realize that he’s made a mistake, but if he doesn’t, we’re confident you’ll have the strength to put together a new life for you and your kids.

Take care of yourself, and feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. Leave a question, or a reply, in the comments section below.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

Husband wants to be free for three years but doesn’t want me to leave

Dear Guys,

We’ve been married for twelve years and have one child and one on the way.

My husband has been having an ongoing affair for two years. When I found out about it he told me he just wants to be free for three years, and then he will come back to me and our children. He says he would rather kill me than divorce me.

He is now living with the woman and he won’t talk to me or our child. He said that he got married too young (21) and he wants to live his life and he says I just better wait the three years on him. WTF? Please help me understand this!

C

Dear C, 

Thanks for your question. We can help you understand the guy’s perspective here, but some of what you mention is beyond our scope of assistance. And we encourage you to seek some professional support, especially if you’re feeling at all uncomfortable or scared with some of the things he’s said to you. (A counselor or therapist are examples. They will be able to point you to the correct services if necessary.)

At least he’s being honest with you by saying he got married too young. Twenty-one is young for a guy to get married and then have kids. (It is for a woman too. At least these days.) He’s probably feeling he didn’t get to experience–sleep with— enough women before he started dating you, and now he wants to experience that, but still not lose you. In essence, have his cake and eat it too.

To be fair, he’s not alone in this feeling. Many guys would love to continue sleeping with as many women as they could, even when they love their wives and kids. But the thing is, once you make a commitment to someone, you can’t then have both. Some people do anyway, and that’s called cheating, but that kind of betrayal does not belong in a loving, committed relationship.

We’re not going to tell you what to do, but you really need to figure this out. He’s controlling you with his words, and possible veiled threats. If you can’t work this out yourself, we urge you to seek some professional help with this. There are services to support women in your situation.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

THE GUYS

 

My fiance does what he wants and then says it’s my problem

Hey Guys,

I really need to get advice from a guy. I’ve already talked to so many women and we see my situation the same, because I am being told by my fiance of two years that “I just don’t get it.” So I thought I’d ask for a guy’s perspective.

So when we began dating he had a friend that is a girl, that once was a “friend with benefits.”  But once he was serious with me he said they were just friends. They continued to talk (Long distance) on the phone and she would call him for anything and everything she needed. After some time of this, I put my foot down. Let me rewind a little first though. Before I did that I would listen to their conversations because they were always at any inconvenient time like during our dinner, or when, or wherever. He would always drop everything to tend to whatever she needed to talk about. So, I put my foot down and basically said her or me. He chose me and did truly cut things off with her. They haven’t talked for a year and a half. He didn’t see anything wrong with carrying on the way he did with her. AM I wrong and not wanting to have my boyfriend, now fiance, talking in a teasing playful way to another woman?

The other part to my relationship is that he is divorced, but only had been married for 5 years and has been divorced for longer than that. He got very hurt by his ex because she cheated on him. I think a lot. He has told me that NO WOMAN will ever tell him what to do. I don’t tell him what to do, but I think he wants me to see him as a guy that is going to do whatever he wants and he does do that regardless of how I feel. I think it’s his way of showing me that the world does want him, almost like he’s trying to prove something not to me, but to his ex, but it is taken out on me.

He is the most social 37 year old I know. When I go do things it’s like he doesn’t like me to go out. I see this as a double standard. I guess I just don’t feel like I’m the top of his totum pole……BUT at times when it’s gotten tough between us, he is SO scared to lose me. I don’t get it. I think he’s just trying to control me in a way he couldn’t do with his ex by telling me over and over that he’s going to do whatever the hell he wants and I need to be submissive.

I’m just hoping for a guy’s point of view because he is telling me that I am the one with the problem. NOT him.

Thank you!

Tamie

Dear Tamie,

Thanks for your question.

We’re with you on a lot of this. While we encourage people to have friendships with the opposite sex—nothing like getting a completely different perspective on the world—these friendships should not undermine, impinge, or derail a committed romantic relationship. Your fiance’s relationship with his “ex-FWB” definitely crossed the boundary of what we see as appropriate. Maybe he wasn’t cheating on you, but he certainly was having an intimate emotional relationship with her. And she in particular was leaning on him to provide the kind of support a boyfriend or husband might provide. And he happily provided it. So you were right to step in and put your foot down. What bothers us is that he didn’t see it first.

Yes, his past is certainly impacting your relationship. But we can understand how he feels. He probably catered to his ex-wife’s every whim only to find out she was cheating on him. Talk about being blindsided and hit below the belt. He probably made a pact with himself that that would never happen again. The problem is, he’s put a wall up, and that’s fine when you’re dating casually, but not when you’re involved in an intimate relationship that requires trust and open communication.

What he needs to understand from you is that you’re not his ex. And that while you may want to be at the top of the “totem pole”—and we agree you should be–you’re not asking him to give up his life for you. You’re just asking him to keep you in his mind when he navigates the world. Meaning, he should think about you when he makes decisions. Am I being true to her? How would she feel about what I’m doing? Because that’s what people do when they’re in love and committed to another person. They don’t put themselves in positions that might jeopardize their relationship and hurt the other person. What could fall into this category? Drinks with a hot co-worker instead of coming home to have dinner. Putting guys’ night out ahead of your date night. Visiting the coffee shop that’s completely out of the way just to see and talk with the cute barista. None of these things are that bad really—well, maybe they are— but they derive from a selfish place, a me-centered place. You’ve seen those bumper stickers that say, “What would (blank) d0?” Well in this case both of you should always be asking, “How would (blank) feel about this?”

We think you need to start talking about all of this with him. First he needs lots of reassurance. That you love him. That you’ll be true to him. That you want him to be happy. That you think he’s a stud. (We just threw that in for good measure. All guys like to know they’re hot too.) But then he needs to really understand how you feel about his behavior and what YOU NEED from this relationship. He isn’t getting it. And when a guys says, “It’s your problem” you’ve got yourself a problem. Successful relationships involve two people, which means, he should care very much that you’re unhappy and try everything he can to figure out a solution with you. Because we don’t think you’re being unreasonable. In fact, you sound quite level-headed to us about the whole situation.

Last thing: This needs to be resolved BEFORE you get married. Otherwise you both could be headed for a difficult road.

We hope this helps you—AND your female friends. Please keep us posted as this progresses. And leave us a follow up comment. We’d love to hear your thoughts.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

He’s not involved with the baby; is my marriage over?

Dear Guys,

I am in need of some advice. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for almost 2 years. But we have been having some problems for a while now. I have felt us getting further and further away from each other, and it’s to the point now where we are both very unhappy. I am 30 years old and he is 26. I have a 9 year-old son from a previous relationship, and we have a 5 month-old son together.

My husband and my older son used to have a good relationship, but they no longer do. They argue constantly. When it comes to our infant son, my husband barely has a relationship with him, saying that he doesn’t do well with babies. He can’t handle the crying, he doesn’t want to hold him, and he doesn’t do poopy diapers. He won’t change a diaper unless I make him. And so far his main involvement is to make an occasional bottle or giving him his pacifier. (This was a planned baby that we tried to conceive for 3 years.) And I really feel like we are not a team in any aspect of our relationship whatsoever.

Also, my husband is a huge gamer, spending most of his time on his computer. This was known before we got married, but has not gotten any better since expanding our family. Our quality time together is watching a TV show together and then he goes back to his game. He has his friends stay at our house on an almost daily basis, sometimes staying for weeks at a time. When I tell him that this bothers me, he says I need to accept that that is the way it is. I am forced to clean up after grown men more than my own children.

When I try to talk to my husband about how I feel or about something that bothers me, it always turns into an argument where he makes me feel guilty by saying I am never happy and that he can never do anything right and that I am always mad about something. Our sex life is non-existent. He claims that he just has a very low sex drive, though he has been busted taking care of things on his own numerous times. He then blames me for it  saying that all men do that and that I shouldn’t expect him to have sex with me every time he’s in the mood. That it’s just easier to do it on his own.

I have asked him to seek couples counseling and he says that I am the one with the problem so I should go to counseling. He thinks if we go to counseling they will blame everything on him and he doesn’t want to do that. I am to a point where I don’t feel like I can talk to him about anything without it turning into a fight. I am starting to have thoughts about getting my own place because I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. If feels more like him and his friends house than our families house. I am getting very depressed and it’s starting to take a toll on my health. I don’t know what to do to make this right. But something needs to change.

How can I get through to him?? How can I get my husband back and our marriage back on track?

Misty

Dear Misty,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re having a difficult time right now.

Let’s start with the issue around your baby. Yes, you and your husband are a team and it would be nice if he were more involved with taking care of his son. But some guys take a while to feel connected to their newborn; and until they can actually DO something with their kid they just aren’t sure of where they stand in the picture. It’s hard to give, give, give and get absolutely nothing in return except constant crying and more pooping. Remember, you’ve already connected with your child because you carried him in your womb for 9-10 months. Your husband is still trying to figure out where he stands with his son.

He also might be feeling overwhelmed by the fact that he’s now a father and he realizes all the responsibilities that come with being a father. He might not be showing how he feels but he’s definitely feeling something. But instead of dealing with his feelings and trying to understand what’s going on, he’s avoiding everything and instead acting like a kid himself, playing games with his buddies, and generally rejecting the notion that he’s now a parent. He needs help with this.

Why don’t you try involving him in different ways for a start? Instead of getting upset at him about not changing diapers or feeding his kid—although we agree that he should be involved with that—ask him to rock his boy to sleep. Or ask him to take his son for a walk with a baby backpack. (A front facing pack is extra sweet.) Try to make him see that his son needs a father as much as he needs a mother. Help your husband see how important he is to his son.

Your other issues are also likely connected to the birth of your new baby. Some guys freak out over the thought of their wife giving birth. Up until this point he’s viewed you as a sexual being. (We’re not saying that’s all he views you as but you understand what we’re saying.) And if he was present in the delivery room, he might be having a hard time transitioning back into seeing you as the woman he was/is attracted to instead of a birthing machine. This experience affects a lot of guys and usually fades after a time.

What can you do?

We think you should sit down and write him a heartfelt letter expressing all of your feelings. Tell him how much you miss him and how much you love him. Tell him how much your son needs him. Let him know that you think he’s going to be a good father. (Even if you’re not sure) And tell him how much you look forward to having things go back to the way they were physically. Basically invite him back into your life.

Don’t use the letter as a way to point out what he’s not doing. Once you get him seeing all of the things he’s missing then hopefully he’ll be more open to discussing how to get your lives back on track together. Because we agree with you. He should be more involved with his family. His friends shouldn’t be staying over the house unless there’s some emergency which happens maybe once or twice a year. (Maybe) And your quality time together shouldn’t just be watching TV together. You two need to start “dating” again, if that makes sense. Things have to be a little more fun.

We know you’re tired. Taking care of a newborn is very taxing on many levels. And when you feel like you’re doing it all yourself it can be even more difficult. But try Misty, to make the extra effort to mend your relationship before it’s too late, and before you decide to move out and leave your husband. You have a family together. And ultimately keeping your family together is the number one goal.

Also, we agree that counseling would be a good idea for the two of you. We understand how he feels though. In fact, a lot of people feel the way he feels about counseling. (That the counselor will blame it all on him.) So offer to let him pick the counselor. Or try out a few people and let him decide who he’s most comfortable with. But don’t bring this subject up until you’ve tried mending some things on your own.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about marriage: 

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Boyfriend and his ex-wife; no boundaries

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Divorced women in her 40s dating bachelors

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

He’s not involved with the baby; Is my marriage over?

Dear Guys,

I am in need of some advice. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for almost 2 years. But we have been having some problems for a while now. I have felt us getting further and further away from each other, and it’s to the point now where we are both very unhappy. I am 30 years old and he is 26. I have a 9 year-old son from a previous relationship, and we have a 5 month-old son together.

My husband and my older son used to have a good relationship, but they no longer do. They argue constantly. When it comes to our infant son, my husband barely has a relationship with him, saying that he doesn’t do well with babies. He can’t handle the crying, he doesn’t want to hold him, and he doesn’t do poopy diapers. He won’t change a diaper unless I make him. And so far his main involvement is to make an occasional bottle or giving him his pacifier. (This was a planned baby that we tried to conceive for 3 years.) And I really feel like we are not a team in any aspect of our relationship whatsoever.

Also, my husband is a huge gamer, spending most of his time on his computer. This was known before we got married, but has not gotten any better since expanding our family. Our quality time together is watching a TV show together and then he goes back to his game. He has his friends stay at our house on an almost daily basis, sometimes staying for weeks at a time. When I tell him that this bothers me, he says I need to accept that that is the way it is. I am forced to clean up after grown men more than my own children.

When I try to talk to my husband about how I feel or about something that bothers me, it always turns into an argument where he makes me feel guilty by saying I am never happy and that he can never do anything right and that I am always mad about something. Our sex life is non-existent. He claims that he just has a very low sex drive, though he has been busted taking care of things on his own numerous times. He then blames me for it  saying that all men do that and that I shouldn’t expect him to have sex with me every time he’s in the mood. That it’s just easier to do it on his own.

I have asked him to seek couples counseling and he says that I am the one with the problem so I should go to counseling. He thinks if we go to counseling they will blame everything on him and he doesn’t want to do that. I am to a point where I don’t feel like I can talk to him about anything without it turning into a fight. I am starting to have thoughts about getting my own place because I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. If feels more like him and his friends house than our families house. I am getting very depressed and it’s starting to take a toll on my health. I don’t know what to do to make this right. But something needs to change.

How can I get through to him?? How can I get my husband back and our marriage back on track?

Misty

Dear Misty,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re having a difficult time right now.

Let’s start with the issue around your baby. Yes, you and your husband are a team and it would be nice if he were more involved with taking care of his son. But some guys take a while to feel connected to their newborn; and until they can actually DO something with their kid they just aren’t sure of where they stand in the picture. It’s hard to give, give, give and get absolutely nothing in return except constant crying and more pooping. Remember, you’ve already connected with your child because you carried him in your womb for 9-10 months. Your husband is still trying to figure out where he stands with his son.

He also might be feeling overwhelmed by the fact that he’s now a father and he realizes all the responsibilities that come with being a father. He might not be showing how he feels but he’s definitely feeling something. But instead of dealing with his feelings and trying to understand what’s going on, he’s avoiding everything and instead acting like a kid himself, playing games with his buddies, and generally rejecting the notion that he’s now a parent. He needs help with this.

Why don’t you try involving him in different ways for a start? Instead of getting upset at him about not changing diapers or feeding his kid—although we agree that he should be involved with that—ask him to rock his boy to sleep. Or ask him to take his son for a walk with a baby backpack. (A front facing pack is extra sweet.) Try to make him see that his son needs a father as much as he needs a mother. Help your husband see how important he is to his son.

Your other issues are also likely connected to the birth of your new baby. Some guys freak out over the thought of their wife giving birth. Up until this point he’s viewed you as a sexual being. (We’re not saying that’s all he views you as but you understand what we’re saying.) And if he was present in the delivery room, he might be having a hard time transitioning back into seeing you as the woman he was/is attracted to instead of a birthing machine. This experience affects a lot of guys and usually fades after a time.

What can you do?

We think you should sit down and write him a heartfelt letter expressing all of your feelings. Tell him how much you miss him and how much you love him. Tell him how much your son needs him. Let him know that you think he’s going to be a good father. (Even if you’re not sure) And tell him how much you look forward to having things go back to the way they were physically. Basically invite him back into your life.

Don’t use the letter as a way to point out what he’s not doing. Once you get him seeing all of the things he’s missing then hopefully he’ll be more open to discussing how to get your lives back on track together. Because we agree with you. He should be more involved with his family. His friends shouldn’t be staying over the house unless there’s some emergency which happens maybe once or twice a year. (Maybe) And your quality time together shouldn’t just be watching TV together. You two need to start “dating” again, if that makes sense. Things have to be a little more fun.

We know you’re tired. Taking care of a newborn is very taxing on many levels. And when you feel like you’re doing it all yourself it can be even more difficult. But try Misty, to make the extra effort to mend your relationship before it’s too late, and before you decide to move out and leave your husband. You have a family together. And ultimately keeping your family together is the number one goal.

Also, we agree that counseling would be a good idea for the two of you. We understand how he feels though. In fact, a lot of people feel the way he feels about counseling. (That the counselor will blame it all on him.) So offer to let him pick the counselor. Or try out a few people and let him decide who he’s most comfortable with. But don’t bring this subject up until you’ve tried mending some things on your own.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about marriage: 

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Boyfriend and his ex-wife; no boundaries

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Divorced women in her 40s dating bachelors

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

I didn’t want the divorce; How do I get him back?

Other questions involving divorce:

Divorced and online dating

Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Divorced women in her 40s dating bachelors

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

____________________________

Hi Guys!

This is gonna make your brain hurt but here goes. I’ve been together with my guy for seven years, and married for four. We have a two year-old son. We have had a tough couple of years given my husband (now my ex-husband) is a police officer. There have been several emotional affairs and one or two intimate ones.(By him) I have forgiven him for them but will never forget.

I have literally lived in a very, “I love you today, wish you would leave the next day” relationship for about two and a half years. We finally divorced about one week ago. I did not want the divorce but he said he needed to find himself and he’s not who he is. Well I can second that! But what changed?

He wrote me two letters in the past two years telling me I made his life wonderful and he loved me more than I would ever know. His most recent letter was telling me just how proud of me he is and that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. And the next month he moved out of our bedroom? That was last year. Then he starts texting and sexting other married women and sneaking out with them. And when I question him about it he says, “We’re done. I told you I was done with you.” When did you tell me I wonder?

I know we’ve had hard times and yes we’ve yelled the “I want a divorce” crap several times but I never knew it was being yelled for real, becasue we would be fine a few days later. I didn’t want this divorce I am in love with this man.

I can’t stand to know he’s going to be sleeping with other women; it kills me. I asked him to leave our home in November after finding a text to another woman whom he refuses to tell me anthing about. The text was all about how much they love each other and can’t wait to be together. He says it was a drunk text. Maybe that’s true. I haven’t seen them call or text each other but once since.

He came home on December 10th and told me he wanted to talk to me before any decisions were made about the divorce. Three days went by without him saying a word to me. Then we had a good night and I casually asked if we were gonna have the talk. He blew up at me and filed the next day. And ever since that day he’s begged me daily to hurry and sign the papers. Well I finally did and he just seems so happy without me. It’s heartbreaking. My therapist says that he seems to be narcissistic. I dunno, but another man’s POV (Point of View) would be helpful.

I want my family back and my husband back. What do I do?

Rather not Say

Dear Rather not Say,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. We never like to see families break up.

For some guys it takes a while to settle into a marriage. Many guys don’t realize there’s a big difference between saying, “I do” and actually doing it. And when that reality hits some guys step up to the plate and get their act together—albeit some take longer than others—and some guys just can’t seem to see the treasure that’s right in front of them. The “latter” guys view marriage as a prison. It’s a place where they have no fun, they have no freedom; a place where they feel burdened with responsibilities. These are the guys that stray, cheat, and finally do irreparable damage to their relationships, all the while dragging their spouses through the mud.

Does this sound familiar to you?

Marriage can be difficult, especially with kids in the picture. And that’s another pivotal point for some guys. Now they are no longer their wife’s number one. In fact for a while they are quite the distant second. And a lot of men just can’t handle that. It’s not that they don’t love their baby, it’s just they are still babies themselves. These guys haven’t matured enough to realize that becoming a father is not just a huge responsibility, but one of the greatest things that can ever happen to a man. We imagine your guy’s touching notes to you were written during one of his rare moments of reflection when he took a hard look at his life and all the wonderful things in it. (You, your son) It sounds like he’s capable of self-reflection, but the more narcissistic side of him is winning the battle. And so yes, we agree with your therapist to some degree.

We’re not saying marriage is right for everyone. And we’re also not saying that people should stay in a loveless marriage. But so much of the time people break up and get divorced only to find that they’re no different in the next relationship, and that their same old patterns keep resurfacing over and over. Changing the environment is only a temporary fix for these people.

So what can you do?

You can take care of your son and be the best mother you can be. You can do the best to move on by pursuing your interests, passions, career, etc. You can lean on your friends and family for support. But you certainly don’t need to change anything to make yourself more alluring to him. If a loving wife and beautiful child is not enough to keep him committed then nothing will. We fear he’s not going to change any time soon. From what you describe he’s got a lot of learning to do. The good news is that he’s aware of it, and in those quiet moments he might even be reflecting on it. But that doesn’t mean he’s close to figuring it all out. He should read, “Are you with the right mate?” It’s from a recent Psychology Today. (You’ll find it interesting as well.)

It is possible that he could get his act together, but it could take a long time. And who knows if you will be open to him still when he figures out what he gave up.

Please feel free to ask us a follow up question, or leave us a follow up comment. We’ll respond here in the comments section as well.

Good luck and keep us posted,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

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Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

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I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

Dear Readers,

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Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

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Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Hi Guys

My Boyfriend and I have been dating now for about 3 years and 8 months. I think we’ve been really happy with each other. We used to say that we wanted to get married. We planned to have 2 kids and to go and work abroad.

But before I continue let me first tell you about his ex-girlfriend. She was very young when she got pregnant with his baby. There were court cases and they had to give the baby up; so they broke up after being together for two years.

That was 5 years ago, and then we started dating and have been very much in love. We now have a child who is six months old. I found a note on my boyfriend’s phone saying that he thinks that I am only in the relationship because of our son, not because I want to be with him. The relationship is not the same; he is having contact with his ex-girlfriend’s cousin all of a sudden and I am afraid that things are going to get worse.

He always talks about his relationship with his ex: what they did, their experiences; and the way she was. He told me that he can guarantee me that she will never come back to him but he’s hoping maybe their son will. But he never says that he doesn’t want her back, or that he doesn’t have feelings for her. I found out recently that his password is her name and surname. On top of that, he doesn’t touch me anymore unless he wants to have sex. He doesn’t kiss me or hug me. It’s like he is ashamed of me.

What can I do to fix it all so that he will forget about his ex and fall in love with me again? I feel so angry and hopeless.

Please Please Please HELP

Kristen

Dear Kristen,

Thanks for your question.

Having some sort of closure is important for any relationship. (Your boyfriend didn’t get closure with his ex.) It sounds like circumstance tore them apart, rather than their diminished love for one another. Without closure, the question always looms: “Should we still be together?”  or “What would life be like if we were still together, raising our baby?” And on top of that, now that they’re older and presumably wiser and more experienced, they are also dealing with sadness and regret, especially regarding their baby.

But this doesn’t mean your boyfriend is still in love with his ex, and that he doesn’t love you. It’s likely he does love you. You’ve built a life together. But the specter of that past relationship haunts him, and makes him wonder what his life might have been like if things had turned out differently.

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel, instead of looking for hints of infidelity? And have you ever sat and talked with him about how he feels concerning the baby he had to give up? It’s possible that he has all these emotions bubbling inside of him with no one to talk to about them. And instead of turning to you—the person closest to him—he might be looking to connect with his ex because they have that shared experience. He also knows you’re probably not “open” to the topic, or you’re threatened by the whole subject.

Maybe you need to do a complete 180 and start discussing these issues that are “in the air” but being ignored? Guys are not just about sex. You say, that’s the only reason he touches you anymore, and that may be true. But that’s not necessarily because he doesn’t find you attractive, or even less likely that he is ashamed by you. More likely, he feels disconnected and that’s the only way he still knows how to connect with you.

So Kristen, you have some work to do. Your relationship is far from over, but the two of you need to get reconnected. He needs to know you care about him; and not just because he’s the father of your child. And he needs to know how much his behavior is bothering you, and that you feel like he’s using you for sex.

There are no guarantees here. Once you open up this can of worms, things could go in many different directions. But we can guarantee that at the very least the two of you will begin to understand each other better, which is essential for any relationship to grow and flourish.

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask a follow up question. We’re pulling for you.

THE GUYS

 

Lorenzo Lamas: “You will survive”


“An interview with Lorenzo Lamas” by Chris “Cucch” Cucchiara

[display_podcast]

It’s 6:58 p.m. and I am prepared but nervous.  I’ve done my research.  I’ve Googled, Bing Celebrity page searched, made notes from IMDB’s pages, and even dragged up the music the 1985 music video “You Look Marvelous” featuring Billy Crystal doing his best Fernando Lamas.  I’ve been in touch with Lorenzo’s publicist and he is scheduled to call at 7:00.  The computer and Skype are set up to record and I’ve just gotten off the phone with my daughter to run a last minute test of the setup.  (It never hurts to be double check your tech.)  It’s then that the ridiculousness of the situation hits me.  “Why the heck would Lorenzo Lamas call me?”  “This iconic actor who’s spent more than a decade starring on hit television shows, was married to a Playboy playmate and pilots friggin helicopters is going to call me at 7:00 p.m. on a Tuesday night to record a podcast interview?”  It’s 7:02.  My phone rings.

Cucch: First off, I have to say that I find your mere existence as a male intimidating.  You have expertise in Tae Kwon Do and Karate.  You are licensed as a fixed wing and helicopter pilot.  You drive badass motorcycles as we’ve seen in Renegade and you have been referred to as “beefcake”, which is something I have never experienced in life.

Lorenzo: (chuckling)  Now first of all I have to say that over the years I’ve had too much time on my hands which has allowed me to do all kinds of crazy stuff.  But I will have to have my mom send you some pictures of me when I was eleven years old.  They will make you feel a lot better because I was a short, fat kid.  It’s all about people and how they influence you in your life.  I had some very influential people that I was fortunate enough to have spent some time with growing up.  The right people giving you the right advice and there is just no limit as to what a person can accomplish.  That’s not to say that I’ve accomplished a hell of a lot because in my mind I still have much more to accomplish.  But I do feel fortunate that I’ve had guiding help from people who’ve had my best interest at heart.

Cucch:  Who were some of those people most influential in your life?

Lorenzo:  Well certainly my dad in getting an image of what it is to be a man.  It was quite an image.  He had this huge voice and grand presence.  He was latin so he was very vocal, very temperamental, very judgemental but fair minded also.  So I had these big shoes to fill.  So it was no small task to grow up in the shadow of this larger than life male figure.  As a boy at times I thought I would never measure up.
My high school football coach was also vital.  Like I’d said I was this overweight kid and not much of a jock at twelve and I got shipped off to this military school.  There was this marine corps physical fitness test that all of the freshman had to do and I just failed it miserably.  I couldn’t do a push up.  I couldn’t do a pull up.  I was miserable and just down on myself in the locker room and the coach said “Hey Lamas what’s going on?  Why the long face?”  I said “Coach I just feel horrible, you know?  I can’t do a push up or a pull up.”  He goes “Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on a team.”.  It was just those plain, simple words and the fact that they came from a guy who’d probably seen a thousand kids in my place through the years.  He took the time to mentor me and so I did get myself on a team.  In a couple of years I was wrestling and then played football and ran track.  So by the time I graduated high school I had a much different image of myself and coach was a big part of that.

Cucch:  One of your earliest successes was a nine year run on “Falcon Crest”.  I saw an interesting fact that you were the only cast member to appear in all 227 episodes of the series.

Lorenzo:  I had a good agent.  I am not kidding you.  It was actually contractual that I had to appear in every episode.  I had a bad wreck in 1985. I wrecked a race car at Riverside Raceway in California and I was not actually supposed to be racing.  That was in my contract.  But I went ahead and snuck off and did this race and had a bad wreck.  I fractured my shoulder blade and busted my collar bone and I had to come to work the next day and ask the wardrobe guy to come into my dressing room to help me put my jacket on because I couldn’t lift up my arms.  So I even made it to work without the use of my arms because I wasn’t going to let on that anything was wrong.  It was crazy.

Cucch:  What is the most significant thing that you have learned about yourself in the past decade?

Lorenzo:  It’s that when your worst fears come true and happen, you will survive them.  Before my dad died that was my worst fear; that he would die and I would not have a father and that I would miss him terribly.  And I got through it.  Then I went through a bankruptcy in 2004.  Because having had all these kids and ex-wives, I mean the last divorce absolutely wiped me out.  That was my greatest fear, losing the means to support my family.  But somehow I managed to pull it together and I did what I needed to do.  Whether it was to fly to Chicago to sign autographs or to take a chance and do a stage play that I never thought I had the ability to do.  You just do it and you survive.  And so I think that the most amazing opportunity comes sometimes from things that you really hoped deep down would never happen.  But you’re not challenged in life unless you’re faced with adversity.  Adversity really makes you grow as a human and it certainly helped make me grow.

In the few days since speaking with him it has continued to astound me as I think of the generosity and humility of any actor or celebrity in Lorenzo’s position being willing to get on the phone or walk into a studio and pour out the details of their lives to strangers.  How many of us are willing to be that open even with the people we are close to?  These were just a few of the questions Lorenzo discussed with me.  The entire interview can be heard as part of The Guy’s Perspective podcast episode 45 or by using the player on this page.  I encourage you to listen.

My thanks to Lorenzo Lamas for this interview and to you for reading it.

Cucch

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Dear Friends,

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Hi Guys,

I hope things are well with you.

After almost 3 years I saw my ex husband again and it feels like the first day I met him. Luckily he feels the same way. However, he is in a new relationship and asked the lady to leave but she told him to tell me if we want her to leave I must throw out her stuff. I can’t do that.

We have a little boy together that visits his dad quite often. It breaks my heart to see my boy with this lady. And this woman doesn’t want my ex to go to places without her so he and I can’t have a proper talk.

We’ve both wondered if we could maybe cancel the divorce. What would be the steps be to cancel it?  We really think that things can work out for us, but like I said the lady is the problem. She doesn’t want to leave unless we can cancel the divorce. Then she says she will leave.

I hope to hear from soon.

Thanks,

Lizette

Dear Lizette,

Thanks for your question.

We’re not quite sure what you mean by canceling the divorce, especially three years later. Do you mean an annulment? We think it’s probably a bit late for that. Read about it here: Annulment.

But what puzzles us is: Why are you both letting this other woman dictate the course of your lives? Unless the situation is much more complicated than it seems, she shouldn’t be prohibiting the two of you from being together. It sounds like you both feel sorry for her, which means you both have good hearts, but even still, that shouldn’t stop you from being together. We’re sure there’s a way to help her land on her feet and also reunite with your ex. You’ll have to figure that one out though.

You are not the first couple to consider trying again after getting divorced. Sometimes people aren’t ready to be in a committed relationship the first time around. But by the time they meet up again, they’ve both gained insight into relationships, gathered more life experience, and now know what they really want. Hopefully the two of you are at this place.

We do think you should proceed slowly with all of this. First your ex needs to figure out what he’s doing with his current relationship. But even if he extracts himself, the two of you should move slowly, almost as if you’re dating for the first time. It would be easy to jump into things since you already have been intimate in many ways, however it’s important for you to talk about your relationship and ask some important questions.

1. Why did we break up in the first place?

2. What’s changed since then?

3. How are we going to deal with these problems if they occur again?

4. How are we going to solve problems when they arise in general?

5. What do we want out of a relationship?

6. Do either of you want more kids?

(This list could go on for a while.)

We’d even go so far as to suggest seeking out a professional to help you work through these questions before you jump right back into things. The last thing you want is for the two of you to get back together only to realize a year down the road that nothing has changed. Not only would that be difficult for both of you, but your son would get dragged through the mud as well.

Good luck. We hope it all works out for you.

THE GUYS

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Confused about this man’s thinking?

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

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Guys,

The guy I was dating got divorced 2-3 yrs ago after his wife cheated on him. We started hanging out last summer with mutual friends. It was obvious there was a connection but it was acknowledged that we were on two different pages (He didn’t want a relationship and I did. I’m a relationship girl). We went on like this for four months, enjoying hanging out as friends and having a blast.

Then all of a sudden he started texting and wanting to hang out without the mutual friends. I was wary at first because I did really like him and wanted to hang out, but didn’t want him to get the impression that I was fine with a casual relationship because I wasn’t. We hung out on our own for a couple of weeks and then he asked me what I wanted and I said, “A relationship.” And he then said he wanted the same. So we became a couple.

The whole time we were dating he would say things like he thought we were made for each other and that we were soul mates. We are so freakishly alike even down to the weird way we eat certain foods. He even admitted that he was building his house and barn for me. We became super close. I actually thought he was the one. I never used to believe it when people would say ‘you know when you know,’ but it instantly hit me. I actually could see a life together with him. No hesitation whatsoever. Since he went through the divorce he now has some trust issues but not really with me; but it was obvious they were there.

After several months of dating, we had a little fight at a bar and I left without him as he said he wasn’t ready to leave. The next day he showed up at my house wanting to talk and confessed that he had his old Booty Call take him home. But he swears nothing happened; she just dropped him off. I said I needed some time to digest it all and the next day we talked and he said that maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Yet he continued to call and text me as he did when we were dating. Every other weekend when he didn’t have his daughter we spent together even during the week.

It was like nothing changed but our titles. I know what you are going to say, he was just hanging around for the sex. Well, here’s the kicker: we never had sex the whole time we were dating. His excuse started out as he was too drunk then it turned into that sex complicates relationships and takes relationships to another level. Duh! That’s what relationships do; they progress forward. I ended up walking away as I could not continue to put myself through the emotional turmoil. Now he is trying to put some of the blame for the end of the relationship on me when I feel he should take full blame for dicking me over. He changed the rules in the middle of the game. I was honest about what I wanted from the beginning and I feel like he broke his word. I feel like he never intended for this to really go all the way. I’m not naive enough to know that if he wanted to be with me he would. I just want to know what was going through his mind to do this. And I’ll point out that we aren’t young—20 somethings. We are in our mid-30s. This whole ordeal has sent me for a loop and I can’t stop obsessing over it.

So Guys give me the low down please!

Casey

Dear Casey,

Thanks for your question.

We can see the two of you had a real nice connection. And maybe if circumstances were different—he hadn’t been cheated on by his ex—things would have played out differently. But the first true test of any relationship is that initial argument or fight. That’s when you find out how committed each person is. In your case your guy realized he didn’t want to deal with anything other than smooth sailing and good times. We’re not saying it’s right or wrong, just that it is.

But as you know, conflict is part of every relationship, and we think it’s not a bad thing at all. It often helps bring people closer together, because fights are honest; they expose true feelings, and they help couples get down to the nitty gritty. Your guy has been wounded, and it seems like now he doesn’t want to deal with anything other than fun. Here’s our take: He initially didn’t want to be in a relationship as he stated to you. But then once he got to know you and the two of you connected well on so many levels he thought to himself, “Maybe I can be in a relationship with this woman. She’s totally cool and totally different.” However, as soon as you had your first fight, he was reminded again that relationships, no matter whom you’re with, take work. And he wasn’t ready to do the work required to move forward.

We can understand his position, but we can also understand why you’re upset and confused. He took you for a little emotional ride and it doesn’t feel good. Yes, he should have been clearer with you AND with himself, but our sense is, he truly thought he could give it a go, and then realized he couldn’t. Our biggest issue with him, and a huge red flag for you, is the fact that he went home with his former Booty Call as soon as he had the least bit of conflict with you. That should tell you his state of mind, and should tell you he’s far from ready to commit to someone. We’re not saying he cheated on you, we’re saying she’s his default woman because his relationship with her is clear and uncomplicated.

No, he shouldn’t be putting the blame on you, but at the same time you need to stop obsessing over who’s to blame here. The most important thing you can do is chalk this up to experience, as hard as that may be, and move on. Assigning blame is only going to hinder your healing and keep you closed to the next person you meet.

Our advice? If you truly want to put this behind you, we would suggest not hanging out with him, talking to him, or having any sort of communication with him. Hang in there Casey.

THE GUYS

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Dating divorced guy who is still in pain

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Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. (Remember, it’s not possible for us to answer every question we receive, but we’re trying our best. Please also keep in mind, that your questions, although personal, are meant for public consumption. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the Ask the Guys page.)

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Dear Guys,

I have been seeing a guy who got divorced two years ago.  He went through a rough divorce and was betrayed pretty horribly by his ex. They have no kids and have had no contact in nearly the two years since all has been finalized.

Last weekend I stayed at his place for the first time and during that time he started to show me pictures on his computer because he has an online business and wanted me to see his commercials. In the process he came across pictures that set him off. He spent the rest of our time together over the weekend telling me the divorce story over and over. The pain I witnessed was horrible. Not only did I learn more than I wanted to ever know but he made statements about how the future is lost, how he had planned a life that will never happen, that he doesn’t know what was true and what was a lie. He would mention little things they did together.  That they had so much fun and it is gone. I felt like I wanted to be supportive and understanding but at the same time I felt like he was dismissing any opportunity that we could ever have—that he is so deep in pain still that perhaps there isn’t room for me or a future. This is all new for me. I have not dated someone divorced before.

I don’t know if I should feel complimented that he trusted me enough to let me in to his darkest thoughts or if I am hurt over his talk of dispair and hopelessness over prospects and a future lost. I’m a patient person and willing to take a risk but I also don’t want to be played a fool. I left exhausted and cried the whole drive home. He didn’t communicate with me today at all. Something we have been good at and consistently have done since our first date, even if only a hello on text.

I need advice on where this guy’s head is at and what I should be doing.

Hang in there or move forward?

Mic

Dear Mic,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly this guy has a lot of healing still to do. And based on how intense his feelings are, it might be quite awhile before he’s able to be truly open to a new relationship.

Obviously he feels very comfortable with you, otherwise he wouldn’t have opened up to you so much. We don’t think he’s playing you or using you, but if you’re willing to listen, he’s going to talk about his divorce. In fact, he’ll talk to anyone willing to listen because his feelings are still very raw. Sure, this is understandable, with all that he’s gone through—and still going through—but do you really want to be his main sounding board? You need to ask yourself that very question, because this is unlikely to abate anytime soon.

If you’re up for the challenge, and you believe you have a very strong connection with this guy, proceed with caution and patience. But understand you will be challenged on many levels if you stay the course. It’s up to you to decide what’s best for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Dating after divorce: Is he interested or not?

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Dear Guys,

I met this guy and we hit it off right away. We have both been through divorces this past year and both have one son with full custody. Our values, morals,and future wants are all in line with each other. On our first date there was also alot of physical attraction. After the first date he texts me and says he really likes me and definitely wants to go out again. So everything seems perfect. The major problem is he has a super crazy ex-wife(not an exaggeration). Now every time we have made plans she causes some uproar and he ends up not being able to go out with me. I know he talks to her way more than he should (even though he says he is done with her) and he has kinda backed off talking to me so much. Needless to say I told him I couldn’t do this(basically risk getting myself hurt right now) and when things calm down on his end with the ex he can feel free to call me.

Two days later he texts and says he can’t stop thinking about me and wants to make sure I am okay. Then says when all the court dates he has to go through are done he wants to see me again. I can understand and have some patience with this but usually if a guy really likes you wouldn’t he do anything to keep it going or be with you? Or does the fact that he has backed off mean he really doesn’t want to date me and with his words he is just trying not to hurt me? It confuses me.

What do you guys think? I don’t want to get my hopes up or hold onto something that isn’t going to happen.

Courtney

Dear Courtney,

Thanks for writing to us.

We think he’s into you, but he’s got a lot on his plate, and not all of it is conducive to starting a new relationship. Typically a guy will do anything to keep something new going, but in his case he’s dealing with larger issues than a stressful job, or travel commitments, etc. We think you should have some patience with him, but still proceed with caution.

You don’t say why he has court dates. We thought he was divorced with full custody of his son? So we can only assume he is working out some alimony situation, or his ex is fighting the custody arrangement. Getting divorced, as you know, can be a messy and sometimes hurtful affair, and in his case it sounds ultra messy. So why he is resolving some of these issues, you need to lay low and give him some time.

Our next thought is why does he talk to his ex so much? If it’s to work out schedules, and talk about issues with their child, that’s one thing. But if they’re talking about their relationship, or any other issues that don’t involve their son, then you need to stay far away from this guy. Because if he’s still talking to her, then he’s still connected to her emotionally, which means he’s left the door open. This doesn’t mean he wants to get back with her—although it could—but it does mean she has a presence in his psyche which will impact every other relationship he tries to have now, and in the future. So it’s up to you Courtney, to determine how connected he is to his ex. Once you surmise where he stands, then you’ll know what to do.

Having said all that, we do think he’s interested in you, and telling you the truth when he says he misses you and wants to see you after the court dates are all over. But you need to be clear with him what you need. Don’t pretend the situation is okay when it isn’t. Both of you come to the table with a lot of “stuff,” so you’re going to have to communicate clearly and openly with each other or it won’t work.

One last note: We do believe that divorced couples should do everything in their power to be amicable, or at least pretend to be amicable. Having a civil, or even a friendly relationship with an ex, is much better for the emotional stability of the children. However, it should be all about the children, not about working through issues, or walking down memory lane. Presumably when couples get divorced they’ve already tried to work through problems. So if this is still going on with your guy, we’d say don’t touch it.

You’re going to have to probe a little here Courtney. Good luck.

THE GUYS

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Reuniting on Facebook: Confused

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Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex(Read comments)

This week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

 

Dear Guys,

Hi. There is this guy that reconnected with me via Facebook whom I knew from my childhood. He messaged me asking if I was so and so’s sister. I had no clue who he was. This is going back almost two months ago now. From then on we added eachother on Facebook and a week later we started speaking on the phone. We got along really well and we hit it off really quickly. He was always calling and texting me. Whether it was in the middle of the day or calls til late at night. He was the one always initiating them. I never took it as anything more then a friendship. He was divorced very recently from a suffocating marriage. He has two kids so alot of the times he would open up to me about his problems.

Anyhow two weeks later he had his friend visit him from another country. I started to see him let loose a bit and he wasn’t calling me as much as before. He started going out more and partying. I think he was making up for lost time from his marriage as he got married pretty young. I started to feel like he was brushing me off. One night I sent him a text saying pretty much that. He said he was not ready to offer anyone anything more then a friendship. He said he needs time for himself and that he hopes I understand that. I took offense because I never asked for much anyway. We talked more and worked out the misunderstanding. However, the next day I found out from a random girl via Facebook that this guy met some girl and he told her he wants to get to know her for something serious, and that he would like to meet her in person.

So to make a long story short, he’s been dating other women, but still talking to me. And he’s been giving me major mixed signals. And sometimes he’s not reliable, and texts but then doesn’t. I just wanted to get a male point of view on this.

Thanks,

Miss X

Dear Miss X,

Thanks for writing to us.

You really haven’t said what you want, so we’ll just assume that you’d like to have some sort of relationship with this guy, otherwise you wouldn’t be stressing over all of his actions.

The bottom line is, this guy isn’t ready. And we can’t blame him. Think about what he’s coming out of: a suffocating marriage. You said so yourself. The last thing he wants is, to be in another serious relationship, even if that person-you-is totally terrific. If you really think this guy is something special you’re going to need to be very patient. It might take a long time. And frankly he may never want to get serious again. People who’ve been married often have different attitudes about getting remarried once they’re divorced. We know a lot of divorced guys that say, “We will never get married again.”

The best thing you can do for yourself is sit on the sidelines for this one, because a lot of women are going to get played if they choose to connect with this guy. That’s what we think is going on with this other woman you mention, and probably will happen a bunch more times until he gets it out of his system, if he ever does.

If you enjoy his company, be his friend, but if you get more involved than that, you’re going to get hurt and be more confused. He’s just not ready yet.

THE GUYS

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Four years of mixed messages

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Upcoming questions to be answered this week:

Is my cheating ex playing me?

Hot or not?

Committed or not committed?

Upcoming questions for next week:

Does he have a girlfriend?

Four years and counting?

Did he care at all?

Check out some previous questions:

Am I being played? – Part 2(A short manual)

He hides our relationship

Dear Guys,

So, here’s the deal. There’s a guy I’ve known for years, since I was 22, and I’m now 33. He was married the whole time I knew him until about 4 and half years ago. I’d always liked him, but he was married so it was just one of those “all the good ones are taken sort of thing.” Anyway, he got divorced because she left him for another man and did I mention that he’d told me they slept in separate rooms for years?

Anyway, we ended up making out one night after an event-after his divorce had been final for a few months. He made the first move, but he said he didn’t think we should sleep together. The next day at the conference he said listen I’m not ready for a relationship. I said okay, let’s just be friends.

We went out a few times after that. Once golfing, once for drinks, and once he came over to watch a football game. We almost had sex one of those times, but again he pulled back and said he didn’t think it was a good idea.

A few months later after another event we made out again. Then nothing. The following year after the same event it happened again and still no sex. This year same thing. I finally called him on it and said this has been going on for 4 years, fish or cut bait (basically). This forced us to have a long talk that was way overdue. During that  long talk he said he loved it when earlier in the evening we’d sat and watched the basketball game and I was leaning on him with my head on his shoulder. He said that was so nice. I want more of that.

He said it really isn’t that he doesn’t want to sleep with me, but he’s afraid it will be awkward later and could ruin things. He went on to tell me in pretty explicit and anatomically correct vocabulary exactly what he’d like to have happen. Then he said we should maybe try hanging out and see what happens. He said I want to sleep with you, but I don’t want to do it like this. I said so you want to go out on a date and he said yeah. I said okay, call me in the next two weeks and ask me out. If you do I’ll say yes.

He hasn’t called. Seriously? My friends say I just need to take the lead with him because he has a bruised ego from his first wife and he’s afraid to sleep with me and afraid I’ll reject him. Help please, I’m not sure what to do next.

Laine

Dear Laine,

Thanks for your question.

Your friends may be right. He could very well feel vulnerable, especially with the way his marriage ended. It might be harder for him to trust people now in general. And it is possible he could be unsure how a new woman might evaluate him, especially as a sexual partner. (Yes, this is how guys are.)

However, it could just be that he’s not ready to get into another relationship. It’s hard to say how long it takes people to recover from a failed marriage or relationship, but in his case it sounds like it’s taking a while.

It also sounds like he’d like to take your relationship from the casual sphere- of occasionally “hooking up”- to a more formal courting situation. That way he can take his time and move slowly if he needs to. This will also help him get to know you as a potential partner. It’s hard to do that when you just hang out with someone after various events but don’t have the day to day communication and closeness that should accompany that.

Where we disagree with your friends is your role here. We still think you need to leave the ball in his court, even after he didn’t call you. (Which does bother us by the way.) Considering the circumstances we think you should give him one more chance.  Tell him again that you’re interested and open to having him ask you out on an actual date. If he still doesn’t take the initiative after getting the green light from you a second time, we think it’s time to move on. Don’t put up with game playing. That’s something that doesn’t change over the course of a relationship. And guys in general should still be the ones making the first move,  especially when the woman-you in this case-is making it easy.

Best of luck,

THE GUYS

Readers: Send your relationship questions to us here on the Ask the Guys page. We do our best to answer as many as we can.

To marry or not?-that is the question

Dear Guys,

HELP!!!! I am in a relationship of 5 years (we’re in our 40′s) where I thought we were very compatible on the subject of marriage–in past conversations we’ve discussed that we both wanted to marry again. We moved in together over 2 years ago, and I was clear before doing so that if it was a positive experience for both us, I would eventually want to get married. Now fast forward two years later and to my surprise my wonderful man no longer feels that marriage is important to him. He  says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but does not feel that marriage is “necessary”. He also now says that when he said he wanted to marry again, what he really meant is that he wanted a life long commitment with, not marriage. This feels like a little bit of a “bait and switch” to me!

What do you make of this? How do two people who really adore each other, and who have a strong relationship in every other way, get past such a fundamental difference? Also, Is this really just a guys way of saying “you’re not the one”?

Thanks in advance for any male wisdom you can provide on this!

Keira

Dear Keira,

Thanks for writing to us.

It doesn’t seem like he’s changed his mind about you, just about getting married again. So the question is, is that good enough for you? Are you really upset about not getting married again, or just the fact that you feel kind of tricked? Those questions would be important to sort out.

We can’t tell you what’s good enough for you, but we can tell you that the relationship sounds imbalanced, mainly because you’ve moved into his house, his domain. It’s possible the reason he doesn’t feel marriage is necessary anymore is because he already has everything he wants and needs.

You need to find out from him exactly why he no longer wants to get married. He may give you a very reasonable explanation. Remember, you two have done this dance before and know how difficult marriage can be. Maybe he’s worried that getting married might change things between the two of you. However, what he doesn’t realize is, things have already changed because his waffling has caused you to pause and wonder.

Guys often say exactly what they mean, but unfortunately we’re not always good at understanding how our words might be interpreted. It’s your job to help him explain to you the nuance of his words.

As far as friends go, both of you should be able to have friendships outside of your relationship, but only if you’re both very upfront about it, and none of these friendships make either of you uncomfortable. The most important relationship you both have, besides the relationship you have with your child, is the relationship you have with each other. It seems from what you say that he understands this. He also seems reasonable enough, and reflective enough, to have a heart-to-heart conversation about all of your concerns.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Getting a place together might help things become more balanced. However, we realize these are tough economic times so that might be something to consider down the road.

Am I a booty call?

Dear Guys,

First, thank you in advance for your time!

I am 41, physically attractive and fit female (look 10 years younger), mechanical engineer (but no longer in the field).  No kids.  Very social, love travelling, love other cultures, and have a great time with friends.  Two divorces, 16 years apart (second one not yet final, been dragging for months with asset division but marriage has been dead for a long time).  I am white/native american.  I am spiritual but not religious – I do a lot of meditating, kirtan, etc (which is in line with my boyfriend’s upbringing).  HE is 25 (no, the age gap wasn’t intentional, each thought the other was 30-ish initially til we actually talked age).  East Indian, but born in the US.  Hindu.  Never married, one other girlfriend in the past (Muslim girl, total disaster), several dates, but no other serious relationships.  Constantly surrounded by women (all friends) and his facebook shows it.  Life of the party.  Still finding his way with respect to career.  WE have an insane amount of common interests and lifestyle.  I’ve been extremely encouraging regarding career options, academics, etc.  I’ve carried more than my weight financially in the relationship.  He has the keys to my house, my cars, and, frankly, my heart.  He still goes back to his apartment (that I’m not allowed to enter) most nights of the week (no, not a girl there -he has a male roommate that I know).  We have been dating for almost six months, he asked me to be his girlfriend almost three months ago.  He DOES introduce me to his local friends.  His family DOES NOT have one single clue about me, even though they live part time in this same town.  His younger brother and some cousins are the only ones that can see his facebook (his parents are blocked).  Still, while I am tagging photos of us and writing nice things about him occasionally on my “wall” he has not written one single thing about me on his.  He still lists himself as single.  Tonight, in my frustration, I did the same.

Until now, I have made a point to be complimentary, do all the “little things” to foster a good, secure relationship, give him massages and hugs and kisses every day…basically he’s got it pretty easy.  Last week I even looked up online how to write “I love you” in Gujarati, his native language, and gave it to him.  I sent him an e-card for Diwali end of October.  But I cannot be around any of his family.  He is currently in Vegas for an Indian wedding (on his dad’s side).  After he delayed a phone call to me by three hours (he admitted that every time he felt his phone vibrate he knew it was me wondering why he hasn’t called), he stepped out to return my call.  I told him that if I wasn’t such a big secret then he COULD answer texts or calls in front of the family.  He said I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is right now.  I asked for how long.  He said he doesn’t know, but that’s the way it is.  This is the second time in two weeks I’ve brought it up that I am upset about his family not knowing about me/us.

He’s been absolutely wonderful in every other area – very positive and supportive through the uncertainties of my divorce, encouraging me in my own rental business and in life in general, etc.  The only problems are 1) me being a secret, and 2) not returning texts and calls.  As I type this, I feel like an idiot, like the writing is on the wall – I am nothing more than a sugar momma or a booty call for him, and he just acts nice in other times to keep the supply coming.   But there is still one shred of me that wonders if it IS a cultural thing, if he IS waiting for the right moment to tell them about me (when they are not disappointed in his failure to start a career?).  But I am short on time biologically, and I need some advice on whether I should wait it out or cut and run.

Thanks again!!  Sorry for the length of the question!

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Thanks for writing to us.

We hate to be the bearers of unpleasant news, but it sounds like your assessment is probably accurate. We wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re only a “booty” call, but the current situation is unlikely to change.

You sound like a smart, loving, and giving person. We’re sure he appreciates all of those qualities in you. Based on his limited experience, you’re probably a breath of fresh air for him. We’re sure he’s learning a lot on how to have a relationship, among other things, but we doubt that he’s thinking of you as someone long term. Remember, he could merrily go on his way for years with you and still not even be thirty. We don’t think that’s something you want to do since you mention your biological clock.

The best thing to do is tell him how you feel and ask him directly where he sees your relationship going. The problem is, not only is he only 25, but he’s an inexperienced 25. For guys, that’s right around the time where they start to catch up to women from a maturity standpoint. (It takes us a bit longer.) So his head may be at a completely different place in two years or five years. If he asks you to be patient, and tells you he plans to tell his family at some point, you have to decide if you want to wait.

His heritage may be playing a factor here, but if it is, it’s not the biggest factor. It’s more likely the difference in your age, and life experience. It’s never a good thing when someone hides their relationship from their family. He should want to tell everyone he knows how wonderful, cool, and hot his new girlfriend is. The fact that he’s not doing that now, doesn’t bode well for the future.

Please speak with him. And good luck. We wish you the best.


THE GUYS

ps. If any of you have relationship questions, leave us a note on the “Ask the Guys” page here on our website. Or call us at: 347-855-GUYS and leave us a message. We’ll try to answer your question here or on our podcast. We do our best, but can’t always get to every question.

The other woman

Dear Guys,

I am 34 year old man married for 9 years. (The relationship has been rocky to say the least.)I have been told by my wife at times that she does not love me. We have a child together. Often she likes to go out after work with her co-worker single female friend.
I have recently been talking with a female co-worker who is younger than me and have been out for some drinks. Sometimes the subject turns towards sex. This is confusing.

Is she interested in me?

If I act on this my so called marriage will be over.

Jim

Dear Jim,

Thanks for writing. We can see how this would be confusing.

Let’s address your marriage first. Both you and your wife sound unclear how you feel about one another, and your marriage. So we’d like to know a few things. Do you still love your wife? If the two of you could work things out is that something you would ultimately want?

Many couples stay together because of the children. However, if a relationship is loveless, and/or full of stress and strife, this can have a negative impact on a child’s emotional and psychological well being. Many “experts” are now saying a healthy divorce-one where both parents are still working as a team to make things as smooth as possible for the kids-is actually a better situation than an unhealthy marriage. Could this be a reason you’re still together?

Jim, it would best to figure some of these things out first before you bring another person into the equation. The new person will only complicate matters, and confuse you more. She already has.

So let’s talk about this other person. It’s clear you’re attracted to her and are interested in her beyond just being friends. That in itself should tell you something about your marriage. The fact that you are open to having these types of feelings for another women is pretty telling. Sure, guys fantasize about women other than their partner. That’s pretty normal. (And yes, women have fantasies too.) But you’re well beyond a fantasy. You’ve gone out with this other woman, talked about sex, and are seriously considering taking it to the next level. That should give you some answers about how committed you are to your marriage.

However, be forewarned. This other woman is not the solution. Jumping to a new situation without resolving the existing one, only blurs things more. Are you leaving because you’re unhappy, or are you leaving because you want this other person? That’s a big distinction. There’s also no guarantee that you’ll stay with this woman, or that she feels about you, the same way you feel about her. You might have a month of fun, or even a year, or who knows, but you’ll still have your marriage to deal with at some point.

There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. You’re human, and it’s nice to feel wanted and loved. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting much of that from your marriage. And having this other woman in the picture, might be giving you the strength to take a hard look at your marriage. Is that what you’re hoping for? Are you really into this new woman, or are you just hoping she’ll  jump start the inevitable end of your marriage? We just think you need to ponder these questions because they’ll shed some light on your ultimate decision, whether you stay or go.

Good luck and keep us posted. Feel free to ask us more questions.

THE GUYS

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