The Guy’s Perspective

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Last week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

How to start a long distance relationship?

Is this boy playing me?

He’s back, but is he into me?

This week’s questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

Prom

Deleting Friendship on Facebook

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

I was involved with a guy for one year and a month. We are both 19 years old. I broke up with him a few days ago because I love him deeply but he doesn’t love me that way. I wanted a commitment but he doesn’t.

The last few months he kept saying that he is having doubts about “us.” Then he started saying he was too busy with school and work, and that his feelings weren’t there and they would never change.

This all hit me very hard because I gave everything to this guy; I loved him deeply with my all. I just couldn’t take it. We were best friends and could talk about everything. He was saying things like how much of an angel I was to him, etc. So I thought that we were heading somewhere, but apparently he didn’t wanted that at all in the first place I guess.

He started saying he couldn’t promise me anything, and that we’ll see where it goes.

So I broke up with him because I couldn’t live with the insecurity anymore. And also because I deserve someone who wants to fully commit to me and fight for me just as hard as I’m willing to fight. So I left and he agreed with it. I just had enough of the hurt and sadness.

It now has been a few days after breaking up and I miss him really badly. But I deleted him everywhere, so I now have no contact. However I’m really longing to see him or hear from him, but since I was the one who put an end to it I won’t contact him.
All off my friends are telling me that he will now realize what he lost and contact me. And that it is his loss.  But how will he realize what he lost if he didn’t realize what he had in the first place? Is there something I can do to make that happen?

Will he ever see and realize what he lost? I still love this guy so much. I just wish that he allowed me to let me in to his heart, to just love him and love me back. It hurt because I did nothing wrong, I just feel not good enough .. I’m very sad. It is SO hard.

What can I do to trigger him in some kind of way to make him realize, to make him miss me even when he probably won’t. I’m just so scared that he will move on as well if I don’t contact him and that he will forget about me totally. He is so stubborn. It is really hard, and this situation seems impossible to turn out right.

Hope you guys will help

Nery

Dear Nery,

Thanks for writing to us.

First of all we’re really sorry you’re in so much pain. Breaking up is very difficult, and we can see how hard this has been on you.

The good news is you didn’t do the wrong thing by breaking up with him. Unrequited love is not the kind of love you’re looking for. Just like you said, you want someone who will give you as much as you’re giving them. You want someone to love you with everything they have, not put up barriers, and place restrictions on the relationship.

So if you know what you want out a relationship then ask yourself what you were getting from this guy. We know that love is difficult to define, and often people don’t have any idea why they love someone; they just do. But let’s move from the heart to the head for a moment and take a hard look at this. What were you getting from the relationship?

How about: mixed signals, excuses, inconsistent behavior on his end. And: insecurity and self-doubt on your end. Not the greatest foundation for a trusting and loving relationship.

So let’s go back to the heart now. You’re in pain and you want to try and make him see how great you are. You want to make him see what he’s missing. And your friends are supporting this. (Good for them. They should have your back.) But you know deep down this isn’t going to work. He hasn’t to come to that realization himself, and based on what you say about him, he doesn’t seem reflective enough to realize it now that you’re broken up. And the other possibility is that he just isn’t into you the way you want him to be. Yes, he may have said those sweet things to you, but without consistent action to back them up, those words are hollow, or even worse could have been used to get what he needed from you.

We don’t like delivering bad news, and this is just our opinion, but we think you have to accept that this is over. It’s natural to be in a lot of pain, and we think it’s okay to let yourself grieve over this. Surround yourself with people who care about you—your friends seem like great candidates–and talk about it as much as you can.

We promise in time the hurt will lessen. And when it does, you’ll have a much better sense of what you want out of a relationship, and what to look for in the next guy.

Until then, take care.

THE GUYS

ps. Be sure to let your friends know about us.