Is this just a sexual relationship?

I have been seeing a guy for about three months. We see each other about two to three times a week. We usually just watch TV or a movie, but we always have sex. Recently, I started developing feelings for him. We have never defined the relationship or any boundaries to it and I have never asked him to. Last night, he asked me what our relationship was, and asked me if i thought it was only sex. I said that as it stood, yes. When I asked him why, he said, ''Just asking.'' Then he changed the conversation. Is this just a sexual relationship? "Amy"

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Am I being used? (Sex Advice)

Dear Guys,

So I’ve been seeing this guy for the past two months after we met online. We have a TON in common and even though he has his flaws, they are all things I would be willing to compromise/work on if we were to become exclusive.

From the very first time we met we hit it off and I had believed that we were getting closer and closer to actually becoming exclusive but he keeps pulling away and lately he’s been acting like a complete ass! He has been busy because of his job and I straight up told him I missed him and didn’t feel like I was a priority for him anymore and his response was to emphasize the fact that we are NOT boyfriend/girlfriend so I should stop making him feel bad.

Yet he keeps sending mixed messages, like when we’re alone together we’ll be listening to music and he’ll pull me towards him to dance in his living room, or we’ll be snuggling and he’ll do the whole pull me closer and inhale your scent thing.

In past experiences this has meant that a guy really likes me. Am I just getting used?
What’s going on in his head!?

Thanks!

Seriously Confused

Dear Seriously Confused,

Thanks for your question. And we can understand your confusion.

To us, being used implies some sort of deceit. If he was leading you on, and talking about the future, and giving you the impression that the two of you were a committed couple, then yes, we would say he’s using you. But he’s clearly stated that you are not boyfriend/girlfriend.

The issue arises when there are mixed-signals, or perceived mixed-signals. To us, he’s being straightforward and telling you how he feels. To you—and to many women—his actions are saying something else entirely. But an important distinction needs to be made. His actions are based on his interest in a good time, which includes sex. His words are based on his interest in an actual relationship. (You need to listen to his words.)

So the questions really are: What does he really want? Why is he acting like he’s totally into me, but then says we’re not boyfriend/girlfriend?

Basically, he’s not looking for what you’re looking for. He’s looking for a good time and for sex. There’s a disconnect going on, and so we can totally understand why you feel you’re being used. We strongly suggest the two of you sit down and have a chat about the “relationship.” And we recommend you don’t do this while you’re hanging out in your apartment. (Away from any thoughts of sex.) Do this over coffee, lunch, or possibly dinner. Or maybe while you’re out for a walk.

It’s possible he just needs more time, but it’s likely he already knows how serious he wants to be. Hopefully, he’ll come around. Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And definitely keep us posted. (Use comments below.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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He wants more; what to do about my Friends with Benefits (FWB)? (Sex Advice)

Dear Guys,

Okay, so a good friend recommended this site to me so I’m resorting to you guys.

My problem is, I have this really, really awesome “Friends with Benefits”  going. We’ve been in this arrangement for a little over than three months now and the sex has been going great between us; it’s fun and sizzling and most definitely something we look forward to at least two or three times a week. But the relationship is confusing. I’m pretty sure he’s starting to develop some feelings for me. I don’t want to go there. How do I tell him this without him hurting him? Or can I tell him I don’t want anything more than the sex, without him leaving me and cutting off the FWB relationship? Because, really, it doesn’t matter if you think it’s selfish, I really love the sex with him. He’s really awesome and all that but I don’t wanna be exclusive to him; I’m just not ready for a relationship. But I want him around. Help me, please? :(

Sadie

Dear Sadie,

Thanks for your question. Well this is an interesting twist on Friends with Benefits. Typically it’s the woman who decides she wants something more, and wonders if it’s possible. Question: Is it something about this guy specifically, or is it that you just want to date around? How old are you?

This is actually a pretty easy question to answer. Your FWB might want a relationship with you, but if you tell him you’re not interested in more than sex it’s very unlikely he’ll cut you off. And if  you’re having sex as often as you say, he probably doesn’t have another FWB going. (Although it’s possible, but unlikely) Which means, you’re his pipeline to a good time. He’d be the rare guy who would stand his ground and decide to remove himself, just because you don’t want anything more serious.

We never make any guarantees, but this is as close to one as we can make. Our suggestion: Don’t say anything unless he brings it up. If he does, stroke his ego, tell him how great the sex is, and then tell him you’re not ready for a committed relationship. He might be hurt a little, but his biggest concern will be if you’re having sex with someone else as well. That’s the only glitch to this plan. He will definitely not want you having sex with anyone else. Guys are pretty flexible with the emotional piece, but they like exclusivity when it comes to sex. (For the woman, not them. Yes, a double standard) So you’re on your own with how you handle that. We always recommend the truth.

Good luck and be safe out there,

THE GUYS

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What am I considered?

For the past half a year I have kept in touch daily with this guy I met in my home town. I visit back often and we have messaged pretty frequently. We use Facetime weekly due to the long distance. With a couple of visits we have gone pretty far but no sex. (THE GUYS assume she means intercourse.) We rarely talk about defining the relationship, and for a time I came off as not wanting to become official. I saw no point since we're so far away. But you also could say that we both want to end up together even though it's unrealistic. We are very close. How does he see me? "Marisa"

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Will having sex make him fall for me? (Sex Advice)

Dear Guys,

For about a month I have been talking to this guy who is 21; he just recently came home from overseas deployment for a year.

He lives above me. For a week before we started “messing around” we went out a of couple times. Sad to say, we had sex after the week. I really like him; he was making me happy, and I just wanted to make him happy in return. I was hoping he would get feelings for me if I slept with him.

For the week that we’d been “messing around” he would always spend the night. From my perspective guys who just wants to “get it” would “hit it, quit it, then leave” right? Well, after sex he would spend the night and cuddle. Weird thing is… we’ve never kissed during, before, or after sex.

This past week between us has been weird. We text less and there’s just that awkward vibe. I still give it to him, hoping it’ll change into something but from the looks and feel of it I don’t think it will.

Do guys look down on girls who give “it”up easily? Are guys able to make the transition from booty call to relationship? I’m hoping it will though considering I have eight months left on the lease and he lives above me.

I really want to be something with this guy. Not just FWB. What is your guys’ opinion on this situation? Will it go anywhere? And if right now is not the time, will it ever? I’m just so frustrated with myself. Someone help, any advice will help a lot. Thank you!

Emily

Dear Emily,

Thanks for your questions. Don’t be frustrated with yourself. Maybe you got a bit carried away but it happens all of the time. And he got carried away as well.

It’s hard to say how long a woman should wait to have sex, and if the duration of the wait determines whether or not the relationship will last or not. A week is on the shorter side, but it’s not necessarily a deal breaker. Some women withhold sex months and months thinking it’s what will keep their man interested. Maybe it does for that time, but a man can’t really determine the depth of his feelings until he has sex with a woman. We’re not saying it’s a “one and done” deal and after that he makes his decision; what we’re saying is that men need to experience the rise and fall of their emotions as they start having sex to help them determine what course of action they want to take. Without that information they can never really make a clear decision as to whether they want to stay with a woman or not.

That said, there are some signs that this relationship isn’t going anywhere. 1. No kissing. (Kissing is an intimate act. Have you ever seen the movie, “Pretty Woman?” Julia Roberts plays a Call Girl whom Richard Gere’s character falls for. They have sex, but she says no kissing. That is, until later in the movie where she finally allows him to kiss her, signifying that she’s fallen for him.) 2. Sporadic communication. (That’s usually not the best sign. If a guy is into a woman he wants to talk to her regularly. If for no other reason than to stake his claim.) 3. He’s never talked about a relationship with you. (If he hasn’t talked about a relationship it’s unlikely he sees potential here for anything long-term. Or he’s not looking for anything long-term.) 4. Cuddling is not necessarily a sign that he wants more. That’s part of the game. (Here are some signs: He wants to take you out a lot. He introduces you to his friends and family. He brings you to family outings. He buys you gifts.)

Emily, relationships don’t generally move from “Booty Call” or “Friends with Benefits” to something more serious. Have you watched our Video on the topic? Check it out: “Friend with Benefits”  From our perspective, it doesn’t seem like this arrangement is going to be anything other than what it is. A casual good time.

One word of caution: Having sex with a guy is not going to make them develop feelings for you. Sex should be something you choose to do as a way to express your love. And for best results, feelings should be mutual.

We hope this at least helps to explain what’s going on in his mind. We’re sorry we couldn’t give you more uplifting feedback. We honestly think you should move on from this situation. It’s not good for your emotional well-being. Like we said before, don’t beat yourself up over this. Learn from it and move on and look for a situation that’s going to have some potential to blossom into something more than casual sex.

What do you think? We’d like to hear your thoughts? Do you have any other questions? Ask away.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. @TGPBuzz. Also, please take a moment to help a fellow reader. VOTE on our Ask our Audience page.

 

Ended my Friends with Benefits; are we still friends? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

This male friend of mine and I dated for a year. Then three years later he started having sex dreams about me; then he suggested friends with benefits. We made that situation a reality and in August of this year I ended it cause I do want more and I know he does not want that with me. Since I ended the Friends with Benefits situation, he does not email me, text me back or call me back. Why all the distance, since we are still friends? "Treena"

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Mutual friends; sex and other issues (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Hey Guys!

So I seem to have found myself in a really messy situation in the past few days.

I have four really awesome friends who are all housemates. (I do not live with them) We will call one of them Mr. X. In the past few months I have developed a small crush on X but have repeatedly shot down the idea—in my head—of going further with the relationship due to his obvious difficulties with opening up to anyone especially females. His trust issues, previous failed relationships, as well as the current strained relationship with his housemates—partially the result of the way he treated another one of our mutual friends when he broke up with her–make me wonder about his ability to be in a relationship.

In the past few months I have been trying to figure out why I am attracted to him. I know I am sexually attracted to him, but I don’t think I am emotionally or romantically. I have entertained the thought of possibly dating him. (On a side note, I am a virgin and have decided to wait until I am in a steady and loving relationship before I have sex for the first time).

The other night I went to a party at their house and ashamedly got quite drunk—quite out of character for me. Mr X was also drunk and kept asking me to go into his room —obviously for sex. I told him that I would not have sex with him and left it at that. I ended up climbing into bed with him later that night and essentially passed out in his bed, looking rather desperate . (Thankfully nothing happened between us.)

The next morning we woke up and ended up spending hours lying in bed talking. He told me that he wanted to hang out more and that he likes me, although I’m really unsure if he really does; maybe he just wants FWB of a hook-up? Anyway, I was confused as he had never sent any signals that he liked me and is generally quite awkward around everyone even with his best friends. He told me that he wanted somebody there to touch, cuddle and talk to but that he feels awkward being that close to someone. I said that I was after the same thing, but that maybe it wasn’t the right time or that I wasn’t the right person to do this with. We both know that his housemates would not be happy if we were to start dating—or sleeping together—and we agreed to ‘see how it goes.’ He said that he is always going to be there if I wanted to ‘try’ with him. I am really worried that this could end badly, and I could ruin four fantastic friendships. I don’t know if I should go ahead with him or if it is a potentially toxic relationship and maybe he is just confused and wants a quick hookup.

Thank you for taking the time to read this rant, hopefully I can get another perspective that will help me come to a conclusion. (Pun intended.)

Ellie

Dear Ellie,

Thanks for your question.

It feels like you’re saying two different things here. A part of you is saying you want to wait to have sex until you’re in a committed relationship. But then you talk about being sexually attracted to this guy as you contemplate being with him. The other piece that’s confusing us is your response when he told you what he wanted. (He said he wants someone to touch and cuddle with. Basically someone to be physically intimate with which includes sex.) And then you said that’s what you wanted as well. We’re confused. What do you actually want Ellie? That’s the question you need to really figure out.

You may be sexually attracted to him but we don’t think he’s actually looking for a serious, committed relationship. You’ve pretty much said he has difficulty connecting to people, and that he’s awkward. So why do you think he’ll be any different with you? Did he talk about a relationship? Did he say he’s always liked you? If you indeed are seriously thinking about a relationship with this guy we think you should come right out and be more specific with how you’re feeling and what you want. Typically we’d say wait, but in this case, since it’s somewhat incestuous all being mutual friends, we think it’s best he know the scoop right up front. This also means he should understand how you feel about sex. (That you’ve been waiting to have sex until you’re in a committed relationship.) It will make him think much harder about what he wants; and it will give him more reason to do the “right thing.” If he freaks out or is non-committal then you’ll know how to proceed. If he’s receptive to your “confession” then you can “see how it goes.” We don’t think it will necessary turn toxic, but even if you just date it will make things awkward with all of your friends. You need to first figure out what you really want and then weigh your options.

What do you think? Does this work for you? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like and definitely keep us posted. (In comment’s section below.)

Also, please share our site with all of your friends. Or on Facebook, Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Thanks. We appreciate it.

THE GUYS

 

One night stand; Is there potential for a relationship? (Sex Advice)

Dear Guys,

I’m a college student and I recently met this very cute guy who is a friend of a friend. A few weeks after we met, he asked for my number. We texted for a few days and met up at a party later in the week. The next night, he texted me asking what I was up to and wanted to come over before going out. I said yes because I wanted to get to know him more, but I promised myself I wouldn’t hook up with him because I thought he was incredibly cute/funny/etc.

When he came over we talked for a little with some casual questions, as I still wanted to know basic things about him. We started to drink because it was the weekend and he was planning to go out soon. We were having a great time and I could feel a connection with him as I was super comfortable around him. A few hours and MANY drinks later, we ended up having sex. I’m not sure how drunk he was but I was to the point of not remembering most of it (though it was very mutual). But I don’t remember how it started or what was said following.

He texted me the next day casually, and I responded. I told him that I had fun the night before but really was not expecting all of that and I would like to hang out with him soberly. He said okay and the back and forth continued, until I mentioned that I was pretty embarrassed about my actions, and that I’ve never been in that situation before. (Which is true) This was yesterday and he hasn’t responded.

I’m very afraid of nagging him but I also want to actually hang out with him this week and see if the connection is there and if this was just a one night stand, or if he may want to pursue a strictly sexual relationship. While these sexual feelings toward him are natural, I fully regret moving so fast and I would hate to think that I ruined the potential for something great. Some reassurance from The Guys would be greatly appreciated to ease my mind a bit.

Thank you!

Robin

Dear Robin,

Thanks for contacting us. Please take the time to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask the Audience page. Now to your question.

We don’t think you necessarily blew it by sleeping with him, but we also don’t get the sense he wants more than just casual sex with you. However, it’s too soon to make that call.

We understand that hooking up casually, and Friends with Benefits have become more prevalent these days. However, we consider these to be arrangements that benefit men more than women. Guys are able to compartmentalize sex and intimacy. Women don’t fare so well with this.

Yes, this guy is physically attracted to you which is a good thing. However, clearly that’s only one aspect of a relationship. (Although an important one) In your case, if this guy only wants to “hang out” with you, and never takes you out on the town, or doesn’t introduce you to his friends, it’s likely he only wants to “hook up” with you.

Give it a little more time and see how he behaves. Be on the watch for two things as well: 1. Sporadic communication—he doesn’t get back to you when you contact him. 2. Communication only when he’s horny—late night texts to come over to your place, or invite you over to his.

Don’t beat yourself over having sex with him. It happens, especially when chemistry and drink are mixed. But make sure you are careful in the future. And one word of caution: Don’t continue to have sex with him thinking it’s going to transition into something serious. You need to talk with him about all of this. Our rule: If you’re having sex, it’s not too soon to talk about the “relationship.”

Any other questions? Feel free to ask away. And leave us a comment with your thoughts. (Scroll down)

Good luck and definitely keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Do us a favor? Please share our site with all of your friends. Either in person or on Facebook, Twitter, etc. @TGPBuzz

The mystery of guys’ feelings; how do you know when a guy wants more?

Hey Guys,

My question seems kind of the opposite to the kind I keep finding concerning Friends with Benefits; so I thought I should ask: when is a guy hinting he might want more than casual sex?

I got into a no-strings-attached deal with a really hot guy, thinking I could get a trustworthy and reliable lay without having to worry about his well-being otherwise; and for a while everything was going peachy.

However, I’m starting to worry that he started the hookup with ulterior motives; thinking (correctly I might add) that I wouldn’t want anything more from him since I just got out of a long term relationship with a friend of his.

So what are the warning signs? If I watch a movie with him, cuddle with him, or stay the night after we hookup, am I leading him on?

I was under the impression that as long as we aren’t seeing each other except on the nights we plan on sleeping together, we are keeping proper boundaries. However, my girl friends seem to think he’s looking for something more and I’m enabling that.

I could really use a guy’s perspective on this one! How affectionate is too affectionate in a casual relationship?

Harli

Dear Harli,

Thanks for your question. And you’re right, it’s not what we expected; however it does happen from time to time.

Cuddling is not a tell. For guys that’s usually part of the “getting laid dance.” We’ve had lots of questions where women cite cuddling as a sign that the guy has deeper feelings for them. However, that’s not necessarily true. Cuddling is certainly a sign that a guy might want more, but it has to be coupled with other things. Those are: Taking a woman out on dates, introducing her to his friends, and announcing to the world that she’s his. (Not in a creepy way, more a proud way. Although this could be difficult because he’s friends with your ex. He wouldn’t want to announce to his buddy that he’s sleeping with you.) By itself, cuddling is a way to ensure more sex at a later time.

Now, in your situation, cuddling could mean something more because he’s friends with your ex. And herein lies the tell. The fact that he’s hooking up with you even though his buddy was in a relationship with you says that it’s possible he’s more serious about you. Why? Because guys will do everything they can to avoid having sex, or a relationship with, a woman who’s slept with someone they know or even worse, a friend. Just the thought of their buddy being intimate with their woman is enough to give them the shivers. But since he’s ignoring those feelings, this makes us think it’s possible he’s more serious about you. (One note: There is a subset of guys who actually relish the idea of sleeping with their buddy’s girl. A kind of alpha thing, a dominance thing. But that’s a small percentage of guys.)

Staying with this thought, there’s also kind of an unwritten rule that says guys won’t mess with their friend’s exes. So factoring in all of this, yes, it’s very possible he’s into you. He’s risking a rift with his buddy by sleeping with you. And when you add in some of his other behavior it’s very possible he might be thinking more seriously about you than you’re prepared to deal with.

The easiest way to figure this out is ask him. Why don’t you? What are you worried about? If you really don’t want a relationship with this guy then you need to clarify the parameters again. Otherwise you’re creeping into dangerous territory, where people get confused and upset. Yes, typically it’s the other way around—the woman wants something more—but either way, it’s never fun when someone gets hurt.

And this brings us to our final thought. We don’t really encourage FWB because this kind of thing always happens. It’s inevitable because sex is very intimate. (Check out our video on the topic. On our Video Page.) So question for you Harli: Are you sure you don’t want something more with him? Maybe it’s worth thinking about?

Be sure to leave us a comment below. Or ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. And have your friends comment as well. We’d love to hear their opinions.

Good luck and keep us posted,

THE GUYS

ps. Please share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. We’re relaunching later this week with a brand new site and lots more to check out. Interactive/etc. Come back.

Read other posts about Friends with Benefits. FWB

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

Can a guy and a girl really be friends?

Hey Guys!

So I’m 18, and have a platonic friendship with a guy who’s 21. We’ve been friends for almost four years but the last two years our friendship really became a solid one.

We used to argue a lot when we were younger and we did have our problems, to the point where I needed a break and cut him out of my life for six months. But after that break we got talking again and we’ve eventually regained our friendship. We haven’t had a single argument in the past nine months; we’re equals to each other; we share everything; we know each other inside out; we can express how we feel or if the other has annoyed us we can tell each other without it becoming a problem or turning into an argument; we respect each other; we care; we’re protective of one another (him more so over me than what I am over him); we trust one another and always encourage and want only the best for one another. And admittedly I do love him to pieces and I know he loves me, but in a strictly platonic way. He’s my go to guy, the one I want to call when I have good or bad news, and he’s the guy who calls me from the other side of the world to ask me how an interview went. The one person who always sees the best in me and can always make me smile.

Now my question is, that’s how I see our friendship. Recently some of the things he’s said and done have caused me to wonder about how he sees our friendship compared to the way I see it.

For example, recently a guy who I’ve known for a while—he knows him too, but doesn’t know him personally—became a romantic interest of mine. And my guy friend doesn’t like him. He doesn’t know him or anything about him, but after one incident where this guy walked me home and tried it on, which I refused his advances, my guy best friend automatically does not like him. He tells me this guys a creep, that if this guy ever wants to walk me home again, he needs to have his permission to do so. He’s involving himself too much in my personal life, and I don’t even involve myself in his. He’s told me that every time he sees this guy he feels irritated and wants to tell him to “fuck off.”

Then recently after a night out, he was about to walk a girl home and we bumped into each other. We hugged and he asked me to text him when I got home to know I was safe. He then called me (drunk) and told me the girl had asked who I was and he’d told her that I was his “friend with benefits.” (When our friendship is nothing of the sort and nothing like that had ever happened between us in the whole four years we’ve known each other.) So you can understand why I paused in my response as I didn’t know what to say to that.

Is he just being overprotective with this guy who’s shown and interest in me or does he see our friendship in a different way that I do? If so what should I do?

Elle

Dear Elle,

Thanks for your question. Here’s a related question we previously answered: What does my best friend want?

The answer starts with you. What do you want? Let’s say he was interested in being more than friends with you—we think he might be. Would you be interested in him romantically? Because how you proceed will be based on how you answer those questions. You need to be completely honest with yourself. Could you see him as more than a friend? Not, do you wish you could see him as more than a friend, but could you actually see yourself romantically involved with him? Or do you strictly view him as your closest friend?

It’s a risk for either of you to express that you might want more from the relationship. He’s skirting around the issue, dropping hints, exaggerating to other people about your relationship, being overprotective, and frankly, protecting his “territory.” Don’t get upset. That’s just how guys are when they care about a woman. It’s not that he sees you as someone who needs protecting, or who even wants it, it’s just his guy instincts kicking in.

It’s unlikely he’ll come right out and tell you he wants more from you, unless he’s drunk again. It’s too much of a risk for three reasons. 1. He doesn’t want to lose your friendship. 2. He doesn’t want to embarrass himself. 3. If he doesn’t say anything he can always hope that he still might have a chance with you. If he says something and you don’t feel the same way, then the opportunity is lost forever.

So once again Elle, what do you want?

It is possible we could be misinterpreting his actions, but it seems we see what you do. At least we’re assuming, otherwise why would you have written to us wondering what was going on.

If you only see him as a friend you need to start establishing clearer boundaries. He shouldn’t be getting involved in your romantic interests, and he has no right to comment about the guys you are interested in unless you ask his opinion directly. He also needs to back off the overprotective guy mode and remember the two of you are just close friends. And finally he needs to stop exaggerating about your relationship to other people. That’s just a subtle way of gaining control over you, like he can steer this relationship in the direction he wants. But unfortunately these parameters need to come from you. You’re going to have to say something, otherwise he’s going to continue behaving this way.

We wish we could give you a definitive answer, but alas, the decision is up to you. Have you thought of having a talk with him about what’s really going on? If you want more from him, have you thought of telling him? At some point—probably sooner rather than later—the two of you need to hash all of these things out. Otherwise this could boil over into a situation where you need to “break up” for a time, like you did before.

What do you think? Leave us a comment, or a follow up question in the comment’s section below.

Also, we’re hoping you’ll share our site with your friends. Also share on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus, or wherever you tend to frequent. We’d appreciate it. Thanks!

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. And as always, we do accept donations through our PayPal button on the right side of any page. No donation is too small or too big. Thanks!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I slept with my virgin friend; bad decision, and now I feel badly

Hey Guys,

Yeah I’m a guy and this is stupid but I have a lot in my mind and can’t seem to think of a good answer. I recently went out with a few friends to go drink and have a good time at the beach. We got pretty drunk and I ended up doing it with my homegirl. I feel badly because she was a virgin. I didn’t mean to do it but the beer got to me I guess. And well now she’s mad at me and hardly wants to talk now. She’s really special and fun but I don’t like her like that; I really just wanted to have fun not have sex. Ugh, please I don’t know what to do. The only thing I’ve come up with is letting my friends beat the crap out of me for being stupid, but I still don’t think that would change anything.

Any advice ?

Charlie

Charlie,

Thanks for your question. It certainly isn’t stupid. What would be stupid is letting your friends beat the crap out of you. That probably isn’t the best solution to this situation, or a solution at all.

First you need to understand why your friend is so mad at you. Here are some possibilities:

1. She wishes she saved herself for someone else. And she’s upset at herself, but taking it out on you.

2. She feels used by you. Mainly because she wants a relationship with you and realizes you don’t feel the same.

3. She now realizes that things are forever changed between the two of you and it makes her sad.

4. The experience didn’t live up to the fantasy she had in her mind. (Rarely does from our experience.)

So which is it? If we were betting guys we’d go with a combination of all of them, but more concentrated with #2. So you see Charlie, it’s not that you took her virginity, it’s that you don’t want anything more. She’s upset that you just want to go back to being friends. She doesn’t want that, otherwise she wouldn’t have slept with you in the first place.

So stop feeling guilty about the virginity piece and start feeling guilty about the using her piece. (We’re kind of kidding.) We know things happen, especially when there’s drink involved. All you can do now is be honest with her. Tell her that it was fun—make her feel good about the first time—but also tell her you don’t want to lose her as a friend, and how important she is in your life. In essence, by being with her, you’re afraid you’re going to lose her. (This is our interpretation of your note. We apologize if we’re missing something.)

Look Charlie, it’s clear you have a heart and a conscience. You’re going to make mistakes all throughout your life, but it’s best to face them straight on. And if your friends beat the crap out of you, you’re going to have a hard time looking her in the eye through the bandages. You can do this. You can make this right by being honest. And then try to be a supportive friend to her if she wants that.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Hey, let your friends know about us. Thanks! We’re happy to give our opinion on any other guy related questions.

 

she’s a big girl.

My guy friend; is he playing me?

Hey Guys,

So I’ve been friends with this guy – Steven – for two and a half years. I’m 22 and he’s 23, and we met while at college, studying the same course. I feel like there’s so much to tell you about him, but I’ll try and condense it.

We’ve always had a very strange friendship; I don’t think he’s been friends with many females before me, and I had a lot of trouble getting him to open up. But basically, after about a year, I started to like him, and unfortunately (due to me foolishly confiding in friends) he ended up finding out. I admitted it to him, and in a bit of an awkward conversation, he told me he didn’t feel that way about me, spurted out all this talk about how I was “perfect marriage material” and that he didn’t want me to have to deal with his past. I’m not stupid, I realize it’s all talk so he doesn’t hurt me by bluntly saying, “No I’m not interested.” So I said that was fine, that we can still stay friends, and it was done.

I guess my main question here is that I’m feeling like I’m being played/manipulated by him. Although I’ve moved on to an extent (I think my feelings may always be there a little, but I’ve realized he’s not the right guy for me and I wouldn’t date him now.) I feel like he still clings to the confidence that he gains from knowing that I once liked him. He often tells me about girls in his life, and he’ll be quick to offer me to ‘hook up’ with one of his friends, which I always decline because I hate blind dates.

One time, a mutual friend of ours wanted to ask me out, and he confided in Steven, who told him NOT to ask me out. Why? I only found this out because of a friend who was eavesdropping; I’ve never asked Steven about it. Yet he maintains, according to other friends, that I’m just a friend to him and that’s it.

Also when we’re out in town dancing, the next day he’ll tell me about ‘all these guys that were eying you off,’ yet at the time this was happening, he doesn’t tell me. If it’s other friends, they’ll tell me right then and there. He doesn’t. Why tell me the next day? What’s he getting at?

Recently, I’ve tried setting him up with a girl, but he’s really hesistant. He is keeping in touch with her (just platonically) for the moment, and I often help him with advice. The funny thing is, recently I asked him for advice about this other guy that’s been on my mind, and he completely avoided the conversation the whole night. He knew I wanted to talk to him about it, but he he didn’t give me an open slot to bring it up.

I’m always happy to talk to him about girls, so what’s his problem?

Also, after years of being friends, Steven has never introduced me to his family. If he invites me over, it’s when no one is home. He always says he will, but then doesn’t. He opens up with me about things he hasn’t even told his mum. He’s quick to tell me HOW much I mean to him, but rarely shows it. When we’ve had arguments; he’s told me that he’d never let the friendship go, that he’d come banging on my door if I ever tried to end the friendship. That he’d always fight for me.

Another weird thing – he takes, generally, about 24 hrs to reply to a msg I send him. Not even kidding. What’s he doing for 24 hrs that it takes him that long to reply? Is this some sort of game he’s playing? Then if i take an hour to reply back, he won’t answer me till the next afternoon?

I just feel like he can be so genuine and sincere, and I find myself being drawn to him, before he’ll ruin it all by acting withdrawn or condescending the next time I see him, making me feel foolish for falling for it and opening myself up to him.

We’re purely physical by the way. I just want to know if he’s emotionally manipulating me like I think he is, and what you think I should do about it? What does he want from me?

I’m usually good at reading guys, I give all my friends advice, but this guy has got my mind reeling. I’m sick of his games.

Should I just end the friendship?

Any help would be great, I’m desperate for some good advice.

Thanks in advance guys, I’ll be sure to give you a donation.

Sophie

Dear Sophie,

Thanks for your question. We thought we understood your question until you said, ‘we’re purely physical.’ Wait, does this mean you’re sleeping with this guy? Because if so, his actions make much more sense. Please explain. For the purpose of this post we’re going to assume you are sleeping with him.

First of all, a FWB arrangement is not what you want here. And if that’s what’s going on you need to end that quickly. He might not be interested in a committed long-term relationship with you but he’s being territorial about you when it comes to other guys. He’s got a good thing going—a great friend and issue-free sex—so he doesn’t want some other guy moving in on his ‘good thing.’ So yes, he is manipulating the situation in that regard.

Sophie, ask yourself what you’re getting from this friendship. Are you secretly hoping he’ll come around? (Even though you say you’re not.) Be honest with yourself. If the answer is no, then stop the FWB and just be friends with the guy. If the answer is yes, then stop the FWB relationship and stop spending so much time with him. This friendship is actually impeding your ability to date other guys, because it’s keeping you emotionally hostage. Well, it’s more that you’re doing it to yourself by relying on him for so much.

Our suggestion: Dial this friendship back. Set up some clear boundaries. Lower your expectations to normal levels, to friendship levels. And start going out with other people away from this circle of friends. Overall, we think it’s time to move on from this situation as hard as that may be. This friendship is not good for you if you really want to meet some great guy and have a committed relationship.

As per his slow response time. In a word, inconsiderate. (A red-flag actually.) Is that the kind of person you want to have a relationship with? He might be fun to hang out with, but he seems to be getting more from the relationship than you.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

Friends with Benefits; Is there a chance he could fall for me?

Hi Guys,

What do you think are the chances of a FWB falling for you? I’ve had a FWB relationship for five years. We talk all the time, argue most of the time, have incredible orgasmic sex, have stood by each other through good and bad times. But we just can’t talk about our feelings. So crazy and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’m not the the kind to pour my heart out to get turned down. After five years if he wanted something more he would have asked hey?

He has said things like we should get married and live in a caravan and have 100 children. Weird and no thanks. But why joke like that? And he has said we argue like a married couple. He has said he loves me and then moments later I’m back to being his best friend ever.

I don’t get it. I can understand that he is not in a position to provide for my child (7) and me. But I’m not asking for that.

I’m 29 and he is 33 by the way. And I have had a relationship during this time and he has slept with other girls. We just always go back to each other.

So any ideas which direction I should take? I don’t want to waste time. But don’t want to lose one of the best things that has crossed my path.

Cassidy

Dear Cassidy,

Thanks for your question. Please watch our video on this topic. “Friends with Benefits”  This will answer most of your general questions about a “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) arrangement.

As far as your specific question, it does seem like if he wanted to take this relationship to the next level he would already have tried, or at least the two of you would be discussing it. But having a five year FWB arrangement has given him no reason to do much else. He’s getting regular good sex with someone he cares about a lot; he has no other responsibilities, no other demands on his time; he’s pretty much free to do whatever he wants and he knows you’ll still be there. We don’t see the incentive for him to do much else, at least from his perspective. Do you? (Note: We do think that having a committed relationship is enough incentive for many guys.)

Your daughter may be complicating matters a bit, but it’s not like he’s unaware of her. We know you said you’re not the kind of girl who pours their heart out to a guy, but we do think you need to talk to him about how you feel. You say you don’t want to lose one of the best things that has crossed your path, but what do you really have now? You don’t really have a relationship, you don’t really have this guy? You have semi-regular fun together and that’s it. If you truly want more with this man, then talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel, and what you want, and ask him where his head’s at. If he says he’s unsure, or just doesn’t know, then it’s time to move on, because he’s had plenty of time to figure out what he wants. Believe us, he knows even if he doesn’t say it.

This may or may not turn out the way you hope, but at least you’ll have some answers and know you did everything in your power to make things work. And you’ll have no regrets, which is so important.

Good luck. We hope this works out for you. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question, or another question. Leave us a comment in the comments section below.

Also, you might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebeccas, a memoir.” Start from the beginning with the introduction and read Ch. 1  and Ch. 2. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

__________________________________

Read other posts about Friends with Benefits. FWB

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

 

Is he a player? I want to be just friends

Dear Guys,

I was dating this guy for a little over a month and he was emotionally unavailable until I ended things. We enjoyed each other’s company, had great sex, but I couldn’t deal with his emotional baggage and he wasn’t about to start a relationship with me anyways.

About a month and a half later he gets a girlfriend and I don’t see him for a long time, you know, letting things cool off a bit as I was still very attracted to him.

Well the other day he texted me inviting me to a music festival for free. I declined. He asked if I was going to some event the next day, and I said no. Then later, he texts me to hang out and have drinks, to which I said sure.

So we hung out and had a really awesome time. It’s like we have been friends forever and I really enjoy his company and I don’t feel as attracted to him as I did in the past. The problem was he never mentioned his girlfriend. (I think he kept calling her a friend.) He bought me some drinks, and would at times touch me in flirty ways like he used to.

So I guess my question is, is he trying to make me an option? Cause I won’t yield. I really do only want a platonic relationship.

Marni

Dear Marni,

Thanks for your question.

He’s absolutely trying to make you an option. Because why in the world would he contact you out of the blue—even while he has a girlfriend—and then take you out to drinks? He’s definitely trying to worm his way back into your emotional and physical space.

And the fact that he’s not admitting he has a girlfriend—only calling her a friend—is a red flag. Things are probably not going well for them, so he’s checking out his prospects, you. As far as we’re concerned, he’s cheating on her. Maybe he hasn’t been physical with you or anyone else, but if he’s not happy in his current relationship he should break it off before he goes exploring other possibilities.

We’d be careful here. If you think you can be friends with him great, but he doesn’t seem like someone you could trust to be in a relationship with. We’d keep it platonic. One cautionary note: We can tell you that the more you hang out with him the more he’s going to try and have sex with you, and each time it will be harder for you to say no.

What are your thoughts on this? Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And feel free to ask us a follow up question. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy some of the great female guest writers, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” 

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Watch our video on: Getting Played

Hooking up without being attached; would a guy do that if he wasn’t into me?

Dear Guys,

This guy and I have been hooking up for about three months almost every week, or every couple of weeks. He and I are involved in the same group of friends. So we’ve chatted quite a bit, and hung out a bit, and he would do really nice things for me or for other people while I was around, and (as stupid as this sounds) leave really cute posts on my wall on Facebook.

Then one night, four months ago, we both were drunk and ended up making out. It happened again the week after that. So we decided we wanted to talk about it.. or um.. I guess I decided I wanted to talk about it, because I generally do not just hook up with men while I’m drunk. We’re also both about to study abroad for a year. We both decided it wasn’t a good idea to keep doing this, because it’s a bad idea to be attached to someone who isn’t going to be around. And I still agree with that.

But it keeps happening. And now we don’t really talk at all outside of hooking up. I want to just hang out with him sober again, but he seems to not care very much.

I also know that he’s been hurt pretty badly in the past by a girl, and he ended up lashing out at her, and hasn’t been quite the same (especially in regards to girls) since. And this information isn’t coming second-hand; I was there when it happened. (As I said, we’re in the same group of friends).

We still haven’t had sex. I’m a virgin, and I’m not going to become… *ahem* a not-virgin when I’m drunk. And I’m not going to do it with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to see me outside of his bedroom or mine. I have performed oral on him though, a few times..

Can he really be doing these kinds of things with me, this frequently, and not have feelings for me? Is that possible? Would guys do that? Especially with a girl who isn’t actually having sex with them? Or is oral kind of the same thing…

D

Dear D,

Thanks for your question.

First, let’s clarify what sex is. This whole gray area of oral sex started around the time of the Monica Lewinsky  affair. Do you remember? You might be too young. But click on the link, or do some research. Fascinating stuff. Anyway, some people define sex as only intercourse, but for most people, anytime the genitalia is involved it’s pretty much sex. So yes, oral—fellatio or cunnilingus—is pretty much sex. Certainly it’s intimate enough to be stimulating another person with your mouth wouldn’t you say? But if you want to be technical, yes you’re certainly still a virgin, but for practical purposes, or if a guy in the future asks you if you’ve had sex before, it could be something you’d want to disclose. Or for that matter, something you didn’t want to disclose.

Could a guy receive oral sex every week without being emotionally attached or invested in a woman? Absolutely. In fact, for some guys it’s the perfect situation. (We’re not saying all, but certainly any type of Booty Call or Friends with Benefits situation is something guys search for, or certainly wouldn’t turn down if it was offered, especially if they weren’t in a serious relationship with a woman.)

We don’t think this is the best situation for you. He’s getting some of his needs met but you’re not. And typically these types of arrangements don’t transition into serious relationships. Eventually they just fizzle after the woman gets fed up. You might want to check out our video on “Friends with Benefits” for some more insights.

Don’t feel badly. This happens more than you might think. But the best thing to do is move on and try to find a guy that is not only willing, but excited, to see you outside the bedroom. (Read our “Relationship Memoirs” page to see how this turns out for Rebecca.)

Feel free to ask us a follow up question and keep us posted on how this progresses. Good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

Dating an older guy: Why is he afraid?

Readers: Please check out our new Relationship Memoirs  page to read some great guest writers. Thanks!

Hey Guys,

I’m 18 and I met this guy who is seven years older than me almost a year ago. We dated for about a month and it was going really well, until he decided we should stop because he thought we would make mistakes due to the age difference. However I insisted that we didn’t break all ties. I really liked him. We kept on seeing each other and sleeping together. But it’s not just about sex, we get along really well. It almost feels like a relationship.

But he hasn’t told any of his friends about us and seems ashamed. When I asked him why, he told me even though he enjoys spending time with me he feels like a thief; he feels guilty but he can’t explain why.

This is really frustrating, I feel loved and rejected at the same time. I don’t think I am someone that one could be ashamed of but my self-esteem is kind of hurt by this situation. Do you have an explanation for me, guys ? Why is he so afraid ? What could I do to reassure him ?

Stella

Dear Stella,

Thanks for your question. You should also check out our video on Dating an Older Guy.   (Also, you might be interested in reading some of our Relationship Memoirs. 

Your “boyfriend’s” actions show that at least he has a conscience. You see, he’s attracted to you, but feels like a thief because he understands on some level he’s stealing your youth. He knows he’s interfering with some of the experiences you should be having—experiences that he had when he was your age. Like dating guys your own age, and doing the things that 18 year olds do: college, dating, figuring out their career, going out on the town, traveling. He knows if you’re with him you’re going to miss out and he feels guilty about it.

There’s nothing wrong with dating an older guy Stella, and frankly seven years is not typically a big deal, but at your age it is. This guy is in a completely different place in life. He’s been operating in the adult world for the last four years and you’ve just completed high school. That’s not to say you’re not mature enough to handle it, and it’s not to say that these types of relationships never work, but the two of you are at very different places in your lives. And this is why he’s not introducing you to his friends and family. He’s not embarrassed of you, he’s embarrassed by his own actions. Basically he feels like he’s “robbing the cradle” and he believes all his friends will think the same thing. (He is.) And that’s why he’s keeping the relationship a secret and giving you mixed signals.

If he’s not going to change his behavior and treat you like a proper girlfriend we suggest you stop with the FWB arrangement and move on. Your self-esteem is only going to be affected more and more and that is not healthy for you. We also think you should pursue the things that 18 year olds pursue rather than date an older guy at this point in your life.

So stop fretting. Don’t feel badly about yourself. We’re sure you’re a great young woman that many a guy would be very proud to date. This situation is more about him than it is about you. Hope this helps.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question in the comments section below.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about dating older men: 

Sugar Daddy: Could he be serious about me?

Does my coach love me or am I being delusional?

Teacher/student: I thought he was into me but he never asked me out

 

 

Friends with Benefits with my boss?

Watch our video on “Friends with Benefits”

Read other posts about Friends with Benefits. FWB

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

___________________________

Dear Guys,

About 8 years ago I hooked up with my boss. I had a crush on him since I started the job. About a year later we hooked up. A one time only thing because I found out he was in a relationship that I didn’t know about.

We recently found each other again and he asked about hooking up again and seeing where things go this time because he’s single. I don’t know what to do.  My problem is that I’ve always liked him and I really don’t know what his real intentions are. Is he just after a piece of ass or is he being real about things going somewhere?  I know I will get attached because I don’t just go have sex to have sex.  Should I give it a chance or run?

Jacquelyn

Dear Jacquelyn,

Thanks for your question.

The red flag here is that he had sex with you while he was in a relationship. That’s really our only concern here. If he did that then who’s to say he’s really changed? But it’s possible. That would be up to you to figure out.

However, having said that, life is about taking risks. And if you really like this guy we don’t see why you can’t explore things. BUT…we wouldn’t start off by hooking up and having sex with him. That’s a bad idea. Very bad idea. If he really wants to see where things go, suggest a proper type of courtship. If he’s really into exploring a relationship with you he’ll be open to this suggestion. If he’s not, and he keeps pushing for sex and a FWB arrangement, then you’ll have your answer.

RUN!

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My fiance does what he wants and then says it’s my problem

Hey Guys,

I really need to get advice from a guy. I’ve already talked to so many women and we see my situation the same, because I am being told by my fiance of two years that “I just don’t get it.” So I thought I’d ask for a guy’s perspective.

So when we began dating he had a friend that is a girl, that once was a “friend with benefits.”  But once he was serious with me he said they were just friends. They continued to talk (Long distance) on the phone and she would call him for anything and everything she needed. After some time of this, I put my foot down. Let me rewind a little first though. Before I did that I would listen to their conversations because they were always at any inconvenient time like during our dinner, or when, or wherever. He would always drop everything to tend to whatever she needed to talk about. So, I put my foot down and basically said her or me. He chose me and did truly cut things off with her. They haven’t talked for a year and a half. He didn’t see anything wrong with carrying on the way he did with her. AM I wrong and not wanting to have my boyfriend, now fiance, talking in a teasing playful way to another woman?

The other part to my relationship is that he is divorced, but only had been married for 5 years and has been divorced for longer than that. He got very hurt by his ex because she cheated on him. I think a lot. He has told me that NO WOMAN will ever tell him what to do. I don’t tell him what to do, but I think he wants me to see him as a guy that is going to do whatever he wants and he does do that regardless of how I feel. I think it’s his way of showing me that the world does want him, almost like he’s trying to prove something not to me, but to his ex, but it is taken out on me.

He is the most social 37 year old I know. When I go do things it’s like he doesn’t like me to go out. I see this as a double standard. I guess I just don’t feel like I’m the top of his totum pole……BUT at times when it’s gotten tough between us, he is SO scared to lose me. I don’t get it. I think he’s just trying to control me in a way he couldn’t do with his ex by telling me over and over that he’s going to do whatever the hell he wants and I need to be submissive.

I’m just hoping for a guy’s point of view because he is telling me that I am the one with the problem. NOT him.

Thank you!

Tamie

Dear Tamie,

Thanks for your question.

We’re with you on a lot of this. While we encourage people to have friendships with the opposite sex—nothing like getting a completely different perspective on the world—these friendships should not undermine, impinge, or derail a committed romantic relationship. Your fiance’s relationship with his “ex-FWB” definitely crossed the boundary of what we see as appropriate. Maybe he wasn’t cheating on you, but he certainly was having an intimate emotional relationship with her. And she in particular was leaning on him to provide the kind of support a boyfriend or husband might provide. And he happily provided it. So you were right to step in and put your foot down. What bothers us is that he didn’t see it first.

Yes, his past is certainly impacting your relationship. But we can understand how he feels. He probably catered to his ex-wife’s every whim only to find out she was cheating on him. Talk about being blindsided and hit below the belt. He probably made a pact with himself that that would never happen again. The problem is, he’s put a wall up, and that’s fine when you’re dating casually, but not when you’re involved in an intimate relationship that requires trust and open communication.

What he needs to understand from you is that you’re not his ex. And that while you may want to be at the top of the “totem pole”—and we agree you should be–you’re not asking him to give up his life for you. You’re just asking him to keep you in his mind when he navigates the world. Meaning, he should think about you when he makes decisions. Am I being true to her? How would she feel about what I’m doing? Because that’s what people do when they’re in love and committed to another person. They don’t put themselves in positions that might jeopardize their relationship and hurt the other person. What could fall into this category? Drinks with a hot co-worker instead of coming home to have dinner. Putting guys’ night out ahead of your date night. Visiting the coffee shop that’s completely out of the way just to see and talk with the cute barista. None of these things are that bad really—well, maybe they are— but they derive from a selfish place, a me-centered place. You’ve seen those bumper stickers that say, “What would (blank) d0?” Well in this case both of you should always be asking, “How would (blank) feel about this?”

We think you need to start talking about all of this with him. First he needs lots of reassurance. That you love him. That you’ll be true to him. That you want him to be happy. That you think he’s a stud. (We just threw that in for good measure. All guys like to know they’re hot too.) But then he needs to really understand how you feel about his behavior and what YOU NEED from this relationship. He isn’t getting it. And when a guys says, “It’s your problem” you’ve got yourself a problem. Successful relationships involve two people, which means, he should care very much that you’re unhappy and try everything he can to figure out a solution with you. Because we don’t think you’re being unreasonable. In fact, you sound quite level-headed to us about the whole situation.

Last thing: This needs to be resolved BEFORE you get married. Otherwise you both could be headed for a difficult road.

We hope this helps you—AND your female friends. Please keep us posted as this progresses. And leave us a follow up comment. We’d love to hear your thoughts.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Friends with Benefits

Read the script:

Friends with Benefits. It always seems like such a good idea doesn’t it? Easy, simple, no strings attached, no commitment, just pure unadulterated fun.

And you know it often seems to work for a while. Who needs the complications of a commitment anyway? Grown up words like accountability and responsibility belong in lecture halls, not in the bedroom.

And Life is about enjoyment. It’s about theme parks, vacations, dark chocolate, the beach, and hot car rides sipping a cold drink. And at the top of that list is giving yourself up and letting your hair down in the presence of someone you trust and have the hots for.

Picture this: You’re having dinner at your parents’ house and you get that text. You know the one. With the secret code words: Make cookies? or Dirty laundry? or Show tonight? You secretly smile to yourself and text back a resounding YES, because you know you’re in for a rockin’ evening. And then you gladly accept that extra piece of dessert, and happily endure the lecture you’re receiving from your parents about ‘when are you going to start being a responsible adult?’

Ahh….everything is bliss. But then…..

Then things unravels faster than you can say “unravel” because somehow this arrangement starts to feel like a relationship, and it turns out that maybe you do care about some of those adult words like accountability and responsibility. And to those you add one more word. Expectations.

Why is he going out with that other girl? I thought we had a good thing going?

He didn’t even want to talk afterwards. He just wanted to do his thing and leave.

Yikes. Now there’s a problem because there are two sets of expectations. His and hers.

Now more adult words creep into the equation: Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Resentment.

And part of the issue is, this type of relationship is different for men and women

Guys are often able to separate a physical relationship from an emotional one. For a guy, being involved in a Friends With Benefit relationship means only that. A friend, for which to have sex with no complications or expectations. And that’s why he’s often the one to propose such an arrangement.

But why would he do that instead of committing to something serious?

Three reasons. (Actually Four)

  1. The girl he’s hot for does not want to get serious. (He’ll take what he can get)
  2. The arrangment is convenient. (Nothing like a willing friend who’s always home on a Saturday night)
  3. He’s too lazy to find himself a real girlfriend. (Or too cheap)
  4. He knows the girl will be willing. (Some guys will exploit any situation.)

As far as women are concerned, sure, there might be some of you out there who are able to treat this type of arrangment like a guy might. But those women are few and far between.

So for the rest of you, here’s one simple rule to follow: 

If you’re considering a Friends with Benefits arrangment because you’re hoping it will develop into something more, or because you’ll take any kind of relationship you can get with that guy you’re head over heals for, then walk away. In fact, run away as fast as you can, because the guy is not thinking what you’re thinking. He already knows how serious he wants to be with you, even if the sex is amazing. And that’s why he’s proposed “Friends with Benefits” rather than a committed relationship.

A few final words:  A Friends with Benefits arrangment does not work for either gender because intimacy is complicated, filled with expectations, accountability and responsibility. Words used by grown ups in real relationships.

Please leave us a comment. Join the conversation or share your experiences as part of a “Friends with Benefits” relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

Long distance “friends” or something more?

Visit our Video Page. Watch our latest: Friends with Benefits

Dear Guys,

So I have been friends with this guy for eleven years; we actually went out on one date right before he told me he was moving to the US for work. He also told me he would be back in a year or two. Eleven years later, he is still there.

Well after he left we chatted over email for a bit. But then as time went on I met my now ex (after 8 years) and he was dating other girls and we both lived our lives.

We have always stayed in contact, making plans to get together when he visited home. He would also ask me to come visit. But we actually never, ever met up at all over the eleven years. That is until this Xmas. He and I finally met up for the first time we were both single.

We get along really well, and find each other very attractive. And we slept together for the first time during his visit. As he put it, “It took eleven years for things to align.”

Now that he is back in the US I think about him constantly; it’s a problem :) Since I’ve had a crush on him for eleven years and now I finally got a taste of what it would be like, he’s all I want. We still chat via text/email and sometimes dirty texts are exchanged. But I’m too shy to actually make a move and go see him in case he thinks we are just friends. And I’m too shy to go out on a limb and ask him to be with me. No one wants to be rejected.

How do you take a friendship to the next level when they are so far away?

And is it okay to be the one to make a move? Should that be the guy’s job??

:)

Sandra

Dear Sandra,

Thanks for your question.

Ideally it would be the guy’s “job” to take the initiative and move your relationship to the next level. But he’s not doing that, at least not yet. But the two of you are communicating a lot right? So it seems that he’s willing to put some time into keeping the lines open, so that’s a positive.

The question we have for you is, didn’t you already sleep with him? And if so, that definitely catapults you from just friends to something else. What that “something else” is, is not clear, but it’s definitely not just friends or “Friends with Benefits.”

“Friends with Benefits” is an arrangement of convenience. It’s an arrangement that’s easy, with no strings attached. Your situation is anything but convenient, and it’s anything but easy. And a mutual crush for eleven years or longer is not something you should underestimate. That’s a long time to be thinking of someone. Sure some of those feelings may fall into the fantasy realm, but it’s way too soon to think he doesn’t want to explore any further.

Another reason he might be dragging his feet is because you live in two different countries. It would be a huge deal for you to move, or for him to move. But the fact is, in order for you to really know whether you have something special the two of you need to spend much more time together. So maybe it’s time for you to take a deep breath, put aside your shyness, and just go for it.

The only way to take this relationship to the next level is by talking about what you really want, or what you potentially might really want. We think it’s okay to tell him all of this because you’ve known him for so long and have had this mutual attraction for so long. It’s not like you just met in a bar one weekend and then he moved to a different country. The two of you have some sort of history together which gives your situation more potential.

Why don’t you “slow play” this for another month or so, and then in late March/early April, if he hasn’t suggested a visit, or talked about the relationship, bring it up yourself. Yes, Sandra, being rejected frankly stinks. But we still think it’s better to have some sort of information rather than wonder what’s going on. And it is possible that he’ll be relieved that you brought it up because he could be as nervous and scared as you, and fear being rejected as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

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_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I met this guy on an online dating site six months ago. We started dating but it didn’t last very long—about a month or so. We had a lot in common and a very strong physical attraction to one another but were having trouble communicating. (I’m extroverted and feel comfortable talking openly about my feelings and he’s introverted and never wants to talk about how he feels.) So he decided that we should stop seeing each other and that we needed to transition into a platonic friendship. He kept making it clear that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend because he cared about me a lot. I told him I needed space from him before I could start a normal friendship.

After just a week he emailed me saying he missed me and that he hoped I was doing okay. We started working on our friendship after that and decided to try hanging out as friends about a week later. We ended up in bed. We never talked about what happened.

Since then we have basically acted like a couple. We see each other regularly and text every day. I’m the first person he calls when he needs to talk or when something good happens that he’s excited about. He’s been there for me through some really tough times as well. When we go out for drinks or to the movies he always insists on paying. He introduced me to his entire family. When we part ways he always kisses me—on the lips if we’re in private and on the cheek when we’re in public. (We’re both not really into PDA.) When we sleep together it feels intimate. There’s a lot of kissing and cuddling afterwards, and he always asks me to sleep over. We’re basically each other’s best friend at this point and it really feels like we’re in a relationship. I don’t know what to call this though. I’m not sure if he has feelings for me or not. I know I have feelings for him. I want to bring up the possibility of us being “officially” together but I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not. The reasons why we didn’t work the first time no longer apply since we have gotten to know each other so much better since then and we communicate better.

I guess my primary questions are: is this typical FWB behavior, or does me like me? Do you think it’s safe to bring up being officially together?

Thanks!!

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for your question.

No this isn’t typical “friends with benefits” behavior, at least not from our experience. But each arrangement is different depending on how the two people set it up. Some people hang out a lot as friends and only have sex occasionally, maybe after a party where they’ve had a little too much to drink, or something similar to that. Some people might have a regularly scheduled night where they watch a favorite TV show together, get take out food and then do their thang. The variations are endless.

But your situation illustrates the inherent problem with a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Blurring the lines between friendship and intimacy often creates confusion—and we’d say more so for women. Men seem to be able to compartmentalize the physical and emotional more easily. For men these two realms are separate, and one does not necessarily impact the other. But for many women they are often deeply connected. It seems this is true for you.

So the question is, whether or not this is true for him.

From our vantage point it seems like he’s into you. He’s certainly acting like you are his girlfriend by paying for your evenings out, introducing you to his family, and engaging in more intimate gestures—cuddling, kissing—not always associated with FWB. But the only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it. So yes, it’s safe to bring up the topic, but that’s no guarantee you’ll get the answer you’re hoping for. But at least you’ll get some answer. We think it’s always better to know, rather than to wonder.

We know you’re worried that it might be too soon and that you’ll possibly scare him off. But here’s the thing Jenny. Guys usually know right away whether they want to be with a woman. Sure, your situation is slightly different since you were having communication issues early on, but guys certainly know right away if they’re physically attracted to a woman, which without, there is no relationship for a guy. So what that means is, more time together isn’t going to make him more into you than he already is. Trust us, he already knows how he feels, even if he “hems and haws” when you talk. And our rule of thumb is simple when it comes to having “the talk.” If you’re having intimate physical relations it’s not too early to talk about, and define, the relationship.

So we say go for it. And we very much hope it works out for you. (For both of you) But if he says he wants to keep it the way it is—a “friends with benefits” arrangement—at least you’ll have all the information you need to decide how you want to proceed.

We hope this helps. Please keep us posted. (Leave us a comment and we’ll respond back in the comments section.)

Please let your friends know about us. Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz 

And good luck,

THE GUYS

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

 

 

 

I want a real relationship, not just a sexual one

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call. We seem to be getting a ton of these lately. 

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___________________________

Dear Guys,

So I met this guy and thought he was attractive, but he was dating someone at the time. We became friends and he eventually ended up dumping the girl he was seeing. A few days later, after having a little too much to drink, we ended up sleeping together. I wasn’t really expecting it to go anywhere then but it’s been over a year and we’re still ‘hooking up’ exclusively. I feel like we have a good thing going but I still kind of want an actual relationship. I’ve asked him about it and he says that he loves me but after what he went through with his ex, he can no longer trust anyone and doesn’t think he’ll ever fall IN love again.

Is there anything I could maybe do to try and show him that not every person he gets involved with will hurt him and maybe change his mind?

Hopelessly Hopeful

Dear Hopelessly Hopeful,

Thanks for your question.

Maybe your guy was hurt in his previous relationship, and maybe he’s still working through some things, but he’s also milking it for all it’s worth. And speaking of milk, what’s the saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” At this point you’re in a “friends with benefits/booty call” relationship for which he has no incentive to change a thing.

And that’s one of the difficult aspects of this kind of arrangement. Once a FWB arrangement is established—even if it is exclusive—it’s very difficult to transition to a “real relationship.” But if you really want a committed relationship with this guy then you need to talk to him openly and tell him exactly what you want. Tell him how you feel and try to reassure him that his heart is safe with you. But remember, you also deserve to have someone you can trust with your heart. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you beyond the bedroom. If you don’t see this situation moving in the right direction you might need to ask yourself a hard question. “Is this man, really the man I think he is?”

We hope this works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

I cheated on my “Friends with Benefits” guy and now he hates me

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

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Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

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_________________________

Dear Guys,

HELP! I dated my FWB (Friends with Benefits) for eight months. He treated me badly. Forgot my birthday. Gave back the Xmas gifts I bought him because he said he didn’t like them. Screamed at me on Xmas because his car broke down. And more.

He used to be a gentleman but it changed over time. I now pay for our dinner dates. I’ve helped him with his paperwork at his job so he could meet deadlines. I was over supportive. After eight months I asked him if we could be together (labeled girlfriend) and he said he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend because he was too busy working three jobs.

I got fed up, and slept with another guy, took a pic of the guy in my bed and texted it to my FWB, and told him to F off. I guess it was eight months of pent-up frustration after tolerating disrespect and constant put downs. He told me he didn’t love me, acted like he didn’t care if I dated other men. (All I ever wanted was him.) I told him to block my number if he didn’t like the texts I was sending. I went off on a rant, but he wouldn’t block me. He told me I ruined anything that we could of possibly had.

My question? What did I ruin? He never wanted a relationship, and if we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, I didn’t technically cheat on him. He’s been stringing me along and I guess he didn’t see this coming. I gave him everything. I feel so unappreciated and degraded, but I take full responsibility because I enabled his behavior. Now after he saw the text, he said bye and that he didn’t care anymore, and that he’s done trying; then I said goodbye too.

An hour later he rings my phone but I let it go to voicemail. Later on the same day he texts and asks me to schedule an eye doctor appointment so he can get glasses. (I work at Optometrist office, and in the past I scheduled and went to the eye doctor with him.) This time I ignored his text. The next day I got another text from him asking me to schedule an eye doctor appointment for him. Again, I ignored it. If we are broken up, then all contact should be severed. The following day, instead of texting he IMs
me on Google and asks the same question and I ignored that as well.

He didn’t contact me anymore after that. I miss him terribly, but I know I deserve better. I would just want to know what could possibly be going through his mind? Now that I am gone and standing my ground—which I have never done with him in the past because I have spoiled him rotten—do you think he is finally starting to realize how he mistreated me throughout the relationship? Please help, I am heartbroken, but determined to move forward. It was childish of me to send that pic to him, but I reached the end of my rope. I wasted eight months being strung along while he enjoyed the benefits. He treated me very badly…

Chanel

Dear Chanel,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so down right now. Hopefully as you have some space and time to take a look at your relationship the pain will lessen.

We’re not going to give you a hard time about your actions. You know it wasn’t the best idea to send him that text, although it probably felt good at the time. (And we totally get why you’d want to send it.) But the problem is there’s nowhere to go from there. You’re basically acknowledging the relationship is over. And in addition, when you do something like that it tends to shift the spotlight on you rather than on his poor behavior over the course of your relationship. In some ways it lets him off the hook.

But you didn’t cheat on him. At least technically. Because you’re right, there’s typically no commitment in a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement unless exclusivity was discussed ahead of time. And frankly by the way he acted all throughout your time together we don’t see that you owed him anything.

Here’s the problem with a FWB arrangement. It always seems like such a good idea at the onset. But when guys propose a FWB relationship they mean just that: casual sex with no strings attached. When women agree to this type of arrangement, often they are hoping something more might develop. And this illustrates a striking difference between men and women. Men are able to separate the physical from the emotional more easily than women, so a FWB relationship can work for them. (Although we’d like to qualify that by saying, men also suffer from this type of situation. Any self-respecting man understands he’s hurting the woman he’s having sex with even if he tries to ignore that nagging feeling. It’s not good for his soul or his karma.)

It’s very natural for you to miss him even if he treated you badly, which he did. We’re sure he must have some positive qualities otherwise you wouldn’t have lasted eight months; but from what you describe he’s got a lot of work to do on himself. And ultimately you’re right; you deserve much better. Acknowledging this is a step in the right direction.

So why is he contacting still? You’re familiar to him. And convenient. Sure, maybe he’s feeling some regret and remorse but more likely he believes he still holds some power over you and thus can contact you to help him. It doesn’t make a lot of sense maybe, but to us his actions after the two of you “broke up” illustrate even more clearly why you need to move on. A guy who’s able to flip a switch like that and transition so easily into survival mode isn’t a guy who is going to meet your emotional needs.

Our advice: Don’t get sucked back into his den. Be strong. Learn from your mistakes and apply that new knowledge to your next relationship. And don’t settle. That means, no more FWB arrangements. They don’t work.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us in person, and on Twitter. Thanks! @TGPBuzz

________________________

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

 

 

 

The Ex Files; friends with benefits?

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

Are we “friends with benefits” or does he want something more?

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

_________________________________

Alright Guys,

It’s been over a year since my ex and I broke up. We had a really strong connection but things only lasted for a month. In that month he told me he loved me and eventually I did too. I lost my virginity to him, so pretty much everything just moved way too fast. I broke up with him because I found out my grandma was dying from cancer and I was just a wreck. For some reason, I acted crazy. I admit that I pissed him off a lot.

Since the break up we have gone through many stages. (Cycle) He’d be mean. I’d ignore him. He’d text or call. I’d finally talk to him. We’d hook up again. Then he’d get a girlfriend. I’d get confused. He’d break up with her. I’d ignore him. Then we’d talk to clear the air some more. We’d fool around a little, etc. I’d get more confused.

Finally after this went on for a while he asked if we could be “F… Buddies.” I told him I had to think about it, but I knew deep inside that I loved the idea. He was the only guy I have ever been comfortable with physically and emotionally. Sure I’ve slept with a few guys since the break up but nothing ever felt right. I was joking and told him, “If we do this you can’t fall in love with me.” And he said, “Remember we tried that already and it didnt work?”

A week went by and he texted me and we decided to hook up. It was the best sex I’ve ever had. We didn’t talk for a while and then we saw each other at the club that we met at. This is where I got completely confused. He was all over me. (He would normally never do that in public.) He was holding my hand and constantly hugging me. Every time I would go to the bathroom he would kiss me; he had his arms wrapped around me constantly, and he wasnt trying to be sneaky. AHHHH I dont know what that means!? Being “friends with benefits” usually means emotionless sex and I just feel like he was being way too affectionate.

He is the most confusing man in the world. He asks to be my “F… buddy” but he’s only really attempted to contact me about hooking up once; he doesnt make any effort. So I need help; should I end this? Does he still have feelings for me? And why does it seem like he’s the only one who gets me? Is he just lonely?

Pleaseeee help, this has been going on for a year and I’m going crazy!

Ella

Dear Ella,

Thanks for your question, or rather questions. We’ll try to help you sort this out.

Based on many of your statements you seem to have conflicting feelings swirling inside you. On the one hand you say you want emotionless sex, but on the other hand you seem like you really want to have a deeper connection with this guy—you say ‘he’s the only one who gets you.’ So which is it? “Friends with Benefits” or deeper relationship? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Be honest. If he came to you and said, “Ella, I love you, and I’ll do anything to show you how much, let’s give a real relationship a try” what would you do? Would you be excited? Would you run for the hills? Which? Those answers should determine your course of action here.

Having said all that we doubt he’s going to come to you and say anything remotely romantic. In fact it doesn’t seem like this guy is ready to get serious about anything. He’s too busy trying to keep you off-balance, and frankly he’s doing a damn good job at it. If you really want to be involved with him on any level, be prepared to be confused and frustrated.

Also keep in mind Ella that this guy was your “first.” There’s always something extra special, or certainly extra memorable, about any first. First kiss. First Crush. First Love. First Sexual Encounter. Those memories stay with us forever and they impact all of our seconds, thirds, and fourths. But don’t kid yourself and think he’ll be the only guy you will ever have amazing sexual chemistry with. In fact we would contend that with an actual emotional connection added to the mix, you might even have a more intense physical connection with someone new.

Lastly, if you’re agreeing to have a “friends with benefits” relationship with this guy in hopes that he will eventually come around we think you should rethink that course of action. That’s a recipe for a broken heart.

There’s lots to think about Ella. The biggest question should be about what you want, not what he’s thinking. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. Readers, please jump in and give your opinions.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Are we “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) or does he want something more?

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

_______________________________

Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading this as I really could do with a male perspective. I’m a little confused!

Beginning of December I met this guy when I was out one night. He’s a friend of my sister’s. I said hi and carried on with my night. But then out of nowhere he just pounces on me and pretty much snogs my face off. Okay, we were both drunk so I didn’t think much of it. That same night he comes back to my place and we stay up talking, hugging, and kissing but no sex.

Anyway so we start seeing each other twice a week, and eventually get down and dirty. All is good. After the first week of “seeing” him he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious as he’s just come out of a relationship and is still hurt. Fair enough, but I’m surprised at his honesty so early on. Three weeks later, he’s at my place and we are chatting and he tells me that he has realized that he is over his ex. I say that I’m pleased for him—cause he was hurt about it—and leave it at that.

So, last Friday I was invited to stay at his place. We stayed up all night talking etc ;) He was asking a lot about my previous relationships and generally a lot of personal questions. At one point we were giving each other a lot of banter and I said something like, “You wanna get the Hoover in here sometime!” (Note to readers: THE GUYS think she means a vacuum cleaner.) He said that was a job for me. To which I replied, “That’s not the job of a weekend (Blank-another word for having sex).” So then his face dropped and he sat down really quietly and just looked at me. I asked him if he was okay, he said no I had pissed him right off! I asked what I’d said or done wrong. Apparently it was the weekend (blank) comment. I pointed out that that was what we did so I didn’t get his reaction at all. He then said, “Yeah I know but you obviously don’t realize that I do actually care about you.” I said, “Okay we’ll be friends with benefits then.” But then he said he didn’t like that term being used for us. So I just left it at that.

Next morning he gets a text saying his dad, sis and bro are coming round to his place. (His family is very close.) I say that I should probably head off then, but then he says there’s no need for me to go and that he’s sure they would like to meet me. So I stayed, met them—it seems that they were already aware of who I was—and went home a few hours later. Later that day he texts me and asks how I’m feeling and that his family really liked me.

So tell me…what is he thinking? What does he want? Does he want to go further but is maybe putting it off because of his ex-girlfriend? Any advice would be appreciated, especially as it’s from a male point of view!

Also just to add, I have a little boy who is 6, which he was already aware of as we knew each other before. He was very keen to meet him which I kept putting off until just recently. (He questioned me a lot about why I was doing that!) They get on well when he’s here.

Another point to add. When we first met he said he was hoping to go to America in May to work and was awaiting an interview. He got the job. He said to me the other night that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go anymore and maybe he would stay and get a proper job. Obviously this could be nothing to do with what what’s been going on between us but I thought it might help to paint a better picture.

Also, FYI, I am 29 and he is 25.

I can’t thank you enough for reading this and really look forward to your reply!!

Louise

Dear Louise,

Thanks for your question.

Any guy that encourages you to meet his family is likely interested in more than just a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement. And the fact that his family already seemed to know about you means he’s been telling them all about this great girl he’s been seeing.

Part of the confusion here is that this relationship started off at a bar, with drink in hand, and sex on the mind, instead of beginning on a more traditional path of, first date, second date, third date, etc. But the good news is you’ve still managed to arrive at a good place with mutual respect still in tact.

From where we stand he’s into you. But it’s likely he’s a little gun shy since he’s coming out of a broken relationship. But here are the telltale signs that he’s thinking seriously about you.

1. He says he genuinely cares about you.

2. He gets hurt when you label the relationship as “FWB.”

3. He wants you to meet his family.

4. He is accepting of your son.

5. He’s not sure he wants to go to America anymore. (And don’t kid yourself. This is definitely about you!)

So maybe the more pertinent question Louise is, what do you want? If he wants to be in a committed relationship with you are you open to that? Does the thought make you excited? Scared? It’s important for you to have this conversation with yourself and truly ask yourself how you feel about this man. Because not only will your answer impact you, it will also impact your son.

If you really want to take this to the next level you might need to be the one to initiate that conversation since he’s probably a bit shaken from his recent breakup. But from what we can tell, he seems like he’d be very open to talking about it.

Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask us a follow up question. (See comments below. We’ll respond here as well.)

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some other questions to check out:

Showing too much love to my sister

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Why is he not asking me out?

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family? 

Military relationship: What do I do?

How to ask about sex? 

Is he interested in friendship or something more?

We’re looking for Women Writers. Check out our “Women Speak” page for more details on how to submit your work. If you’re not a writer, let your writer friends know. (We’ll happily promote your blog, website, project, or book at the end of your piece.)

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Dear Guys,

I’ve known this guy for a couple of years. Two years ago he broke up with his girlfriend of five years. (The decision was mutual). One month after the breakup I was the first girl he went on a date with. I knew it was too soon for him but he didn’t say it; I just had a feeling that proved to be right. We “lasted” for two weeks. He couldn’t do it anymore and ended it. Since then, he’s tried to date other women, but couldn’t start an emotional relationship with anyone.

We used to bump into each other every now and then. It was friendly but a bit awkward. He kept sending me mixed messages—you know the drill—and every time he saw mutual friends he asked them about me first. However, every time I tried to initiate a get-together with a friend or a group of friends he would politely decline.

The turning point happened last summer. We started seeing each other more often. First, we saw each other once a week. Then twice. Then three, even four times a week. He is the one who initiates it almost every time. (I might have participated with 10%). Sometimes we’re in a group of friends, sometimes we’re alone. There are, of course, mixed messages still coming from him. (Constantly complimenting me, showing moderate jealousy, staring at me, bumping me etc.), But mostly I ignore it.

To be honest, I really like him as a person and I’ve never had such good time with anyone. When I told him that, he admitted that he felt the same. He’s pretty anti-social and doesn’t get close to people, but we started sharing secrets, having internal jokes, and grew very close to the point of people asking us if we were a couple etc. It is very unusual for him to behave like that with anyone, be it a male or a female. We even said “I love you” to each other. He is very caring towards me, and called me his “soft spot” not long ago.
He initiated a “what-went-wrong” conversation a couple of times, and every time we would come to the same conclusion—it’s not me or any other woman, for that matter—it’s him.

A couple of months ago, he suggested we became friends with benefits, which I sharply declined. He agreed it would be a bad solution for the both of us because it would screw him up too, but that he obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship either. We’ve never talked about that since. We spend more time with each other than we do with anyone. Sometimes, I feel like I’m in a relationship with him but I know I’m not. We don’t have any physical contact, except for back/shoulder touching, occasional arm intertwining and kisses on the cheek.

I flirt with other men and I do have a life besides him. (And I believe the same goes for him.) But we don’t talk about other men/women, nor do we flirt with anyone when we’re together.

I know you guys aren’t mind-readers, but I’d like to know what do you think of the whole situation. What am I to him?

Thank you!

Myrtle

Dear Myrtle,

Thanks for your question. You’re right, we’re not mind readers but this scenario is familiar to us.

Our sense is he wants very much to be in love with you. So many pieces of a successful relationship are present. Trust. Mutual respect. Fun. Laughs. Comfort. On paper the two of you should be together, which is part of the reason all of your friends wonder aloud what’s going on, and why you are so confused about the situation. But the problem is, love is not a spreadsheet of pros and cons. There’s always that other piece. The X factor. The “I don’t know why I love her but I do” factor. Or on the flip side. The “I don’t know what’s wrong with me because she’s perfect” factor.

And the “latter” is what we suspect is going on for him, which accounts for all the mixed-messages you are getting from him. He can’t seem to figure out why he isn’t jumping into a relationship with you; but something is holding him back. Sure, it could be his own inability to connect with someone emotionally. (But we have to assume he was connected to his ex in that way.) It could be too soon after his breakup with his ex. (Some people take longer to rebound.) But it’s more likely that some piece is missing for him that he can’t quite seem to put his finger on.

So our gut tells us you are a great friend to him and that’s where it’s likely to stay. So now you have to ask yourself if you’re okay with this? Because if you’re hanging out with him hoping something is going to change we think you’re going to be frustrated. Just the fact that he suggested a FWB (Friends with Benefits) arrangement tells us the two of you are on different pages here.

We’re glad you’re keeping your other options open and are interested in other men as well. We’d hate for you to spend so much emotionally energy and time on this guy and then have it implode when he starts to date other women. So keep yourself out there, have some fun, and treat this guy as just a friend. Who knows, maybe he’ll be someone that could provide you with some insights into some of the new men in your life. We highly recommend having friends of the opposite sex. (Strictly friends, not FWB)

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment and/or a follow question. We’ll respond here as well. (And if something huge changes, let us know. We’d love to know we were wrong.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile (Also Part 2: Writing a profile description)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

And more….

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

______________________________

Dear Guys,
Well I thought I would just sit on this for a few days but now I think I will ask for your advice.

So about three years ago I met a guy, and it turned out we had a lot of common friends and have some of the same interests. We are compatible on so many levels but on others we aren’t. We had a lot of attraction and finally we ended up hooking up. (We are both 29.)

It went on for a few months until he suddenly ended it. (I was moving away for work for four months and that was known to both parties.) He called me one day and said what we were doing wasn’t a good idea and that we should just be friends. I tried to act cool and moved away.

When I moved back I texted him and he called me and I never called him back. Then we ran into each at an event four months later. (This was eight months after we ended whatever we were doing.) It was clear we were still attracted to each other and started hooking up together again.

He kept asking me to hang out. I resisted and told him I didn’t want to date. HE wanted to date; he came over and said it right to my face. I told him i didnt want anything serious. He has never had a serious girlfriend and I think he might freak out and end it out of fear of getting too emotional. (He’s not experienced in the relationship department.) So I told him I just wanted to avoid it. But then he didn’t want to just hookup with NSA(No Strings Attached).

Over Christmas a friend of mine asked me about him. I told him we are just friends with a lot of sexual tension. I texted him that night and told him we have to go for dinner and catch up soon and that I missed him.

We have remained friends, just a few texts here and there. If we end up at the same place we chat, catch up and leave it at that. But there is always an awkward goodbye. So it went from him ending it to me ending it. I have tried to keep it NSA with him and I actually would like a relationship like this with him. He is a player and I know that completely. When he wanted to date me this summer, I told him he really hurt me the first time he ended it with me, the summer before.

We both lead crazy busy lives, and to be honest I’m not looking for a intense relationship right now. I don’t hookup with random guys so in my mind he’s ideal to have a defined NSA with. Is this even possible?

This weekend he texted me after a hockey game, telling me to come out with his friends. (The typical “we are friends come hang out text.”) I told him to have fun and be safe. He then said you should pick me up. I said, no I shouldn’t. I think he was really surprised, and he said please come get me. I asked if he was stranded or was speaking code. It was the latter.

I know we will be at the same event in the next month. When we are in the same room together it’s unspoken that we will be together later. I have never been in something like this before. I don’t understand it. It feels like total dysfunction, but I keep feeling drawn to him and missing him. I usually just ignore my feelings but the chemistry is like nothing I have ever had.

If I do contact him when and what should I say? I just feel like we are always on different pages. I want the same page. How do I get there?

Dealing with Crazy Guys

Dear Dealing with Crazy Guys,

Thanks for your question.

On the one hand you say you just want a NSA relationship with him, and on the other hand you say are drawn to him, miss him, and have chemistry with him that you haven’t ever had before. So which is it?

It seems that you’re really into this guy, but you’re scared he might hurt you again and that’s why you don’t want to explore it further. (We realize he’s a player.) But from where we’re sitting it seems like the only reason he broke up with you in the first place was because you were leaving town. And is it possible that since you were leaving, neither of you let your guard down enough to really explore what a relationship might feel like with the other person?

It seems to us if you could somehow start over with this guy, push reset, you might have a chance to really have a great relationship. Because it’s obvious that the two of you have a connection, even more than just sexual chemistry. But in order to move forward one of you needs to take a leap of faith. And frankly, it’s probably going to have to be you since you seem to be the one who’s unsure right now.

Women often say, “Once a player, always a player.” And that may be true to a certain degree but there’s one caveat. Sometimes a guy is a player until he finds the person he’s looking for. It’s true that guys don’t always know what they are looking for, but they do know when they’re with someone who isn’t it. (Hope that makes sense.) He’s 29, so maybe he’s ready to move from being a player to a serious guy?

We think you need to go on some proper dates with this guy, almost as if you had just met. Why not start by inviting him for coffee or lunch, far removed from the nighttime events where you normally meet up? That way you can really get to know each other on a different level. You’ll really be able to find out who the other person is. And maybe this will make you more comfortable. After that, see if he’ll take the reigns from there and take you out to dinner, or the movies, or a museum, or a hike, or a show, or whatever. You don’t have to jump right into a serious relationship, but you do need to clear your head and figure out what you truly want. We recommend staying away from the bedroom for a time because this will only serve to confuse you more.

We think you should give this a go. Stop being coy with him. (And hopefully he’ll do the same once he sees you might be interested.) Let yourself be open to possibilities. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Yes, he could reject you. And that will feel pretty crappy. But at least you won’t still be in a holding pattern, wondering what he’s thinking and what you should do. There’s nothing better than getting definitive answers. (As definitive as you can within a relationship.)

Keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section and we’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Should I start an affair?

My “so called” male bestie

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Military long distance relationship

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

Are my sister’s actions inappropriate?

Dear Guys,

One year ago I met an amazing guy. We slept together on the first night we met. Oops! However, after the one-night stand we both had NO intentions of seeing each other again. However, we exchanged numbers. The rest is history; we talked every day 2 or 3 times a day with numerous text messages. We slept together approximately six more times after the initial encounter. However, three months into our “friends with benefits” he started to become distant and decided we should just be friends with NO sex. I didn’t agree with the NO sex part.

Side note: Six months after we decided to just be friends with NO sex, I had a conversation with him and explained that I could no longer continue our friendship. I was emotionally connected to him and we could no longer be friends to protect my emotional safety. I asked him to not call me anymore or text. He agreed. During this “friendship break up” he says, “I do care about you. And because I care we can’t have sex anymore.” He says he doesn’t have a connection with the other women he sleeps with. He also states that he is very attracted to me, but he never let his feelings grow for me; he always assumed we were friends. * Confusing*

However, the next day after this conversation, he starts calling me, texting, and he says, “I miss your voice, it’s too hard.” I gave in and we are back to talking everyday. Now we have a friendly date once a month. I’m so confused and need your help. What does he want from me??? He dates other people and he is fully aware that I’m dating other people.

However, why be his friend???? If we only see each other occasionally and I’m not getting any sex from him I’m not sure the point. All we do is talk on the phone and text each other. Please help. At this point I can cut him off with no problem. I’m tired of being his friend with no benefits.

Does he just want to be my friend?  If so, why does he call me and text me so often?  I have several male friends and I don’t talk to them every day. Is he using me?

Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

Thanks for your question.

No, he’s not using you. It sounds like he really values your friendship and wants you to be a part of his life. But we don’t think he wants anything more than that. (Meaning a romantic relationship with you.)

We actually get the sense that this guy is trying to do the right thing. Frankly, he’s being more honest with you than most guys would be. He’s telling you upfront that he cares about you enough to even stop having sex with you. Most guys would just continue having sex until the woman put an end to it.

So this all falls back on you. What do you want Tiffany? Are you able to be this guy’s friend without feeling upset that you don’t have something more with him? Do you want to listen while he talks about the other women he’s dating and sleeping with? Are you truly able to enjoy his friendship? Our sense is you really like this guy and if he wanted a committed relationship you’d stop dating these other guys you’re dating and be with him exclusively. If this is the case, you need to think long and hard about whether or not this friendship is the best thing for you.

Some of us over here at The Guy’s Perspective just watched “Friends with Benefits” with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. (Yes, we have to keep abreast of the “latest” date movies.) Anyway, these types of arrangements just don’t typically work. Someone always gets attached and then ultimately hurt. It’s not always the woman, but it’s always someone.

Decide what you want Tiffany and go from there. If you want this man as your friend by all means keep the friendship. Having a guy friend can be a very enriching and enlightening experience. But if you’re secretly pining for more, you’re headed for more frustration and heartache. We just don’t see the situation changing. Guys don’t work that way.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

I suggested Friends with Benefits; Did I just dig myself into a hole?

Hey Guys,

So there’s this guy that I’ve known since 3rd grade and we’ve always been really close. He wanted to date me our freshman year in high school but got too scared that it would ruin our friendship and never asked me out. (He still doesn’t know to this day that I know about this.)

I left after sophomore year  when we were 16/17 to move to Boston to become a dancer and now I live in NYC. This past summer I came home. It was three years since I last saw him. (We’re now both 20.) When I saw him this summer we caught  up hung out a couple times and we ended up sleeping together. I left to come back to NYC in september and we’ve been texting ever since.

Now he’s coming to visit. I’m really nervous and I’m wondering if he’s just coming to the city to see the sites and get laid. Or is he actually coming also to see me? I’m from AZ and he still lives there now so it cost a lot for him to buy a plane ticket to come up here. (He even had to borrow money from his dad.)

Does he actually like me and want to see me or is he just excited to come to the city and possibly getting laid is the icing on the cake? To me, spending all that money and getting off work and stuff says something. But maybe I’m just being a hopeful girl. Also could it turn into something more? I know long distance relationships are hard, but would a guy really be willing to do that? I’m so nervous and confused right now. Please help!

Brittany

Dear Brittany,

Thanks for your question. We can see that you’re nervous. That’s pretty normal. You like this guy and would like to see if things can progress beyond a physical relationship. And of course you hope he feels the same way.

It’s hard to say exactly what his motivation for visiting you is. Sex will absolutely be part of his expectation for the trip. His drive to have sex is so intertwined with his excitement to come see you that he’s probably having difficulty separating the two himself. In fact it’s likely he doesn’t even know exactly what’s driving him, and he won’t know until after the two of you have been intimate. (If that’s what you decide to do, which is up to you of course.)

Assuming you decide to sleep with him, pay careful attention to how he acts right AFTER you have sex—especially the first time. And by “right after” we mean, RIGHT AFTER and for the next 8 hrs. (Meaning, until his libido kicks back in. It’s different for every guy.) If he’s distant, or acts differently, you’ll know he’s probably driven mainly by his interest in sex. If he still is happy to be with you, and wants to go out on the town with you, hold your hand, and spend time with you beyond the confines of your bedroom then you’ll know he’s got more on his mind than getting in your pants.

These next four paragraphs are just general information about guys Brittany. They are for your information and for all of the other women who might be reading this. 

Some women believe that making a guy wait for sex is the way you get them to commit. And this may be true for the short term. If a guy wants to have sex with a woman he will do whatever it takes to make it happen, which means acting sweet, giving her presents, and doing all the things that his woman might like him to do. But a guy is still waiting to make his final evaluation until after he has sex with a woman. Meaning, the way he acts BEFORE sex does not determine how he’ll be AFTER sex. For a guy, sex is often needed for him to make a conscious decision about moving forward or not.

But this is tricky. You also can’t secure a guy’s love through sex. So sleeping with a guy to get him to love you or commit to you, will also not work. And in many cases it will push him away. It’s a fine and mysterious balance. We don’t have all the answers.

Finally, wanting sex all the time is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, having a healthy sex life with your partner is a very important piece of an overall healthy relationship. But both parties need to be giving in the bedroom as well. If your guy is not giving in the bedroom this will be a strong indicator of how he is in everyday life.

Bottom line: You have to do what’s comfortable for you. Every relationship is different. But you should never be pressured into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Go with your gut.

Enough on that topic. Moving on.

Yes, guys are willing to try a long distance relationship Brittany. You’ve probably heard that guys are incapable of being faithful in this type of relationship but that’s a crock of crap. It’s just an excuse for guys to be selfish and do whatever they please. Many guys are loyal and faithful. So don’t let that stop you if you believe you and this guy have a chance for something more.

Our advice: Take it slow. Keep your eyes open. Trust your gut. Introduce him to your friends. Listen to your friends’ opinions. And talk to him. Sure we know most people don’t want to show their hand, but in order for a long distance relationship to have any chance at all, it requires a ton of communication from both parties. And when you’re apart, texting is okay, but phone conversations or Skype are best.

Feel free to give us an update and ask us a follow up question. Leave your question in the comments section of this post.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

I suggested Friends with Benefits (FWB): Did I just dig myself into a hole?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

Dear Guys,

So after 10 years of crushing hard on my best friend’s brother I finally got my chance. I went and visited him and spent the night. We did “the do” and I went home the next day.

Neither one of us want a relationship but I do have some serious feelings for him. But what I wanna know is what’s going through his mind. Out in public we hang out with each other and talk, we have fun and I enjoy his company very much. But does he enjoy me being around?

When I stayed the night I turned over and faced my back to him. He scooted to me and curled up and put his arm around me. The next morning I tested the waters by scooting close to him. He moved his arm and let me in to lay on him; then put his arm around me. He took pictures of the two of us on my camera and while I was riding the bull he took pics of me on his camera.

I got “antsy” because I didn’t know where I stood with him so I tested the waters yet again and offered a “Friends with Benefits” situation. He said, “Yeah, for sure.”

Now is this like a situation where he’s thinking about only getting laid, or is there something there and this is a way for us to be around each other minus the commitment?

Curiously Screwed

Dear “Curiously Screwed,”

Thanks for your question.

As we were reading your question we were thinking that things were going fairly well between the two of you. That is until we read your last paragraph where you offered this guy a “Friends with Benefits” situation. We think you know what we’re going to say, but here goes anyway.

A guy will almost never turn down an offer like that. Even if he actually wants something more—like a serious relationship. And that’s the biggest problem with a FWB situation. It’s so convenient and as close to risk free as you can get when it comes to sex. (Sex if never totally risk free.) So most guys will jump at the opportunity.

But the problem is you’ve leaped into a situation that won’t give you the answers you’re looking for. That’s the issue. It’s clear you have feelings for this guy beyond sex, and have so for some time. We don’t think you should deny those feelings, which you’re doing by saying you don’t want a commitment. It feels a bit like you’re trying to protect yourself. And when you suggest a “Friends with Benefits” situation, how is he going to think about anything else besides getting laid? He’s not. So yes, in this way you’ve dug yourself into a hole.

Some of this guy’s actions would suggest to us that you’re not just an average “booty call.” But we think you need to backpedal a bit and rescind your offer of FWB. And in doing so tell him how you really feel. (We don’t think you should give it all away, but at least tell him that you’d like to see if this could develop into something more. We just get the sense that that’s what you really want.) And in doing so, hopefully you’ll learn something about where his head’s at.

Is this a risk? Sure it is. But what’s the worst that can happen? Maybe he won’t be interested? But at least you’ll have some information to go forward with. And that’s better than having a nebulous affair that will only frustrate and confuse you, and eventually lead to resentment. And you can always go back to a FWB situation. Like we said, a guy will almost never turn down a ”Friends with Benefits” situation. And that also means reverting back to one. Guys will even do this with an ex-girlfriend, although we don’t recommend that for either party.

Keep us posted, and good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And please consider a donation to The Guys. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully. Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Dating my ex’s friend: Friends with benefits

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

Are we “friends with benefits” or does he want something more?

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

This is kind of a long story but I really need some guys’ opinions on this. Most women can rate their friends in their life and this boy is my 2nd best friend in the world. I would do anything for him. We knew of each other because of mutual affiliations but didn’t become friends until I started dating his friend. During the time I dated his ex we became close friends. But after being with my ex for 4 years—with all of us being part of the same circle—the break up kinda made things weird between the whole group.

Now for the hard part. This guy and I have always been very attracted to each other and are super comfortable and trusting of each other. A couple of months after my break up the sexual tension between us became overwhelming and things started happening. We would both try to stay away from each other but we attend the same university and see each other every day so that was really hard to do. I feel horrible because I don’t want to get between him and his friend (my ex) and he feels guilty about it. But whenever we see each other it’s really hard to keep things platonic. And as if that wasn’t bad enough I’m scared that these feelings are going to morph into romantic ones especially when he has started saying and doing some really sweet things. (And I really like him) And even though these thoughts don’t occur often, every so often they will pop up. He has expressed that he wants me not just because of my body but because it’s me. Things have been normal between us despite all sexual relations and none of our other friends have noticed anything yet. He is too important of a friend for me to lose. I want to stop because I don’t want to cause problems between our groups of friends but I do not want to stop at the same time.

I hate drama but “OMG” I love how this boy makes me feels and it’s getting harder to control this. And I’m also curious about how he feels about me, but I’m way too scared to ask. I don’t know what to do.

Please any kind of advice will help.

Flora

Dear Flora,

Thanks for your question.

You’d be surprised; this type of situation happens more than you might think. And it makes sense in some ways. When people spend a lot of time together intimacy happens. This intimacy can be the friend variety, it can be the romantic variety, or it can be something in between. While you were dating your ex you were also getting to know this guy and forming a strong bond with him. You can’t help it that he happened to be good looking too. So what we’re saying is, you should stop beating yourself up over this. Sure you might feel guilty, but this makes perfect sense, and we see nothing wrong in you wanting a relationship with your ex’s friend now that the two of you have broken up.

However, we’re not so sure if it makes perfect sense for your “friend.” He stands to lose more than you if the two of you are “found out.” (And we’re not so sure your friends and his friends don’t already suspect something’s going on between you. People can smell that kind of thing a mile away. No, we’re not being literal here, but we are being serious.) He will likely lose his friend (your ex) if the two of you continue to move forward. There’s a kind of an unwritten code between guys which states: Guys don’t date their best friend’s ex-girlfriends. And most of the time this isn’t difficult to abide by because most guys don’t like the idea of dating a woman their best friend has had sex with. However, like we said before, it happens more than people might think. So basically your “friend” has some serious thinking to do. He is going to have to make a choice between you or his friend (your ex), unless your ex is one of those super understanding guys. We don’t know any ourselves. (Side note: Sometimes after a very long period of time it’s okay to date a friend’s ex. This would be years though.)

Back to you.

If you are really into this guy we don’t see anything wrong with seeing where it goes. Because if you don’t, you’re always going to wonder what would or could have happened. And there’s nothing worse than regret in this life. We’re not guaranteeing it’s going to work out for you, and we’re not guaranteeing it’s not going to get messy or even ugly. But on the flipside if it does work out into a long term romantic partnership—that sounds so formal, but you know what we mean—then it will all be worth it. If it doesn’t work out, you can at least feel good that you took a chance on love.

But this all comes down to communication. You need to tell your “friend” how you feel and what you want. He’s not a mind reader. And based on what you say he very well might feel the same way about you. See what his reaction is and see what his take on the situation is. If the two of you decide to move forward with a more serious commitment you might want to think about calling your ex, or meeting with him, and explaining the new situation. (Yes, this will be hard and not necessarily pretty, but at least he’ll hear it from your mouth.) Your friend might want to do the same, although we wouldn’t want to be present for that. (Just kidding…kind of.) In general we think it’s best to be open and honest with the people in your life.

But what you shouldn’t do is continue what you’re doing now. If you’re not going to be serious about this relationship you should stop the “friends with benefits” thing immediately. In the end that’s not going to be good for anyone involved, especially you.

Good luck. Feel free to leave us a follow up comment, or ask us a follow up question. (In the comments section here)

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. We do our best to give thoughtful and thorough answers. 

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

 

Summer Fling or Boyfriend?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow up)

He’s not willing to commit; where is this going?

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

He asks ME to call HIM

Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No Boundaries)

Hi Guys,

I just finished university this year and a guy who I had a class with in first semester (Sept-Dec) started messaging me out of the blue back in April just “to say hi.” I was really surprised to hear from him because it was so random, but I did respond and we continued to chat via Facebook until about June. We kept trying to make plans but all the work at the end of the semester it was too much for either of us to get together!

He had a big get together with a lot of his friends on the night of our convocation and he invited me to come out for it. There was a lot of people there but we ended up sitting by ourselves chatting. He also introduced me to his friends when they came over to talk with us. He was supposed to be going away for a month shortly after graduating and while he was gone I was leaving for another two months to travel. Because of that, even though I was interested in him, I didn’t think anything substantial would really develop between us. We have really good chemistry and we had a really fun night and ended up hooking up, which I of course now totally regret.

As it turned out, he ended up breaking his leg and he wasn’t able to go away. So because he didn’t end up leaving he continued to call/text me to hang out. I wasn’t always able to (so I wasn’t always available) and he was pretty consistent and I guess we fell into some sort of ‘friends with benefits’ relationship without me really thinking about what I really wanted. I figured that while I was traveling we would just lose contact.

Just before I left, he texted me that he would miss spending time with me and that he really enjoyed seeing me, which I really appreciated, and I told him that I’d miss him too. While I was gone we still stayed in touch through email and Facebook, which was really nice. We were both pretty consistent about staying in contact.

I came back almost three weeks ago and as soon as he knew I was back he messaged, texted, and called me immediately! I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship I wanted with him—FWB, boyfriend or just platonic—and I did want to talk to him about that, but I was kind of afraid to because I do remember in a conversation we had once he mentioned that he wasn’t sure if he was good boyfriend material. He does confide a lot of very personal info with me and that came up in passing. So at any rate, I haven’t had that conversation with him as of yet. Since I’ve been back we’ve been in pretty regular contact but it feels different, more complacent now. He doesn’t call as much and he tends to stick with texting.

He’s doing his PhD at the moment so he’s pretty swamped with school and he’s not going out as much as he was in the summer. But recently he did go to an event that he told me about but didn’t invite me to. It wasn’t something where tickets had to be bought well in advance because he was trying to get an extra ticket for one of his friends on the day of. I know he’s pretty good friends with his best friend’s girlfriend and sometimes he’ll hang out with her. (I’m quite positive they have a platonic relationship – he’s very loyal to his guy friends so I don’t think there’s intimacy between him and this other girl – she’s crazy about her boyfriend.) So I think in part he might not have asked me to go with him because he might have been going with her already.

I don’t usually initiate getting together with him because he usually does the initiating but since I’ve been back I’ve only seen him twice despite still at least texting each other almost every day. And the last time I hung out with him I initiated the get together. And it was because I’m in the process of moving and I needed a place to crash, and he said I could stay with him. But that night when I was staying with him I was beginning to wonder if he was going to get bored with our relationship and it would fizzle out. I usually just go to his place and hang out with him there when I do see him. So in that regard he isn’t putting as much effort in anymore.

Two friends and I are having a joint birthday party in a couple weeks and so of course I sent out a FB invite to him for the event. (A lot of people are invited, so it is pretty casual.) He said (via text) that it sounded like a night not to be missed.(Implying that he would attend.) But on the FB RSVP he still hasn’t responded and I’m wondering if he is not wanting to commit, or if he’s waiting for something better. I know he’s been online and he knows about the event but hasn’t responded.

So… I’m confused. He seems to be interested in me, he continues to be in contact with me, I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else on the side. (I can pretty much come over when I want, so long as he’s not in class.) And I know he cares about me—he’s told me, and he’s very affectionate with me; he kisses me repeatedly on the forehead & cheek when we’re lying in bed together; and he will hold my hand in public. But on the other hand, I almost wonder if he’s keeping me in the shadows of his life. I’ve only been back a few weeks and I don’t think I’ve given us enough time to really assess the nature of our relationship, especially considering he’s doing his PhD, and I do know he’s swamped. But things are different than before.

What should I make of him?? I’m trying to just let him chase me but at the same time I wonder if he’s bored. If he’s bored wouldn’t he just stop contact completely?

Thanks!

Alice

Dear Alice,

Thanks for your note.

We don’t think the question is whether or not he’s bored. Guys don’t get bored from hanging out and having sex. In fact, a guy could easily stay in a “hang out and have sex” type of relationship for years, especially if he was busy with his career or studies. The problem with this type of arrangement—or we should say, one of the many problems with this type of arrangement—is that it typically never goes anywhere. The guy gets lazier and lazier over time, and starts making less effort to do more than the status quo, and consequently the woman gets more and more frustrated and confused. Eventually it kind of just fizzles away.

Don’t panic yet, Alice. Your situation hasn’t reached these proportions, but it’s headed there fast. We’re sure you’ve read these books that lay out certain rules that women and men should follow when starting a relationship. And while they certainly apply in some cases, each situation is different. In your case, the time to let him do the pursuing is over. You’ve known him over a year, been “hanging out” with him over six months, and you’re still in the exact same place, except now you want to know what’s going on. Well, we can’t blame you.

It’s time to have THE CONVERSATION. Yes, the dreaded conversation that defines what you have together. As uncomfortable as this may be, you need to get some answers from him, otherwise this situation will go on interminably. Because what motivation does he have to change it? He’s pretty much getting what he wants: a nice diversion from his busy life with a sweet and pretty girl. And in fact, the more we think about it the more this guy sounds like a possible player. His comment early on to you—”I’m not really boyfriend material.”—speaks volumes about where he’s at, and it really set the table for the type of arrangement you’re currently in with him.

And this thought just struck us: There’s a big difference between a relationship and an arrangement. One is robust and full of life, and the other is all business. You need to find out which one you’re in. Stop worrying about what he wants, and whether or not he’s going to get bored, and start focusing on what you want. You may not even know exactly what that is until you talk with him. You deserve some answers Alice, but the only way you’re going to get them is to talk to him.

Good luck. We’re hoping this works out the way you want it to. But if not, every relationship you have will better inform you for the future. Just remember to be clear about what makes YOU happy and satisfied.

THE GUYS

ps. Join us on Twitter for real time conversation. And let your friends know about us.

 

Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow Up question)

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

The Duality of Men

How to ask about sex? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

This girl is driving me mad

Hi Guys,

It’s Sadie again and I have another(!!) question for you to please ponder. It’s a follow–up to the question I sent you about a month or so ago (“Long Distance: Should I Pursue?”). As it turns out, even though my internships went well in England I decided to come back to Canada for at least another 5 or 6 months. I’m back to seeing my friend who I went to Rome with. My question boils down to the fact that I’m not sure how he genuinely feels about me. I know you’re not mind readers.

So, let me fill you in about what’s been going on with us since I last wrote you. Since then we’ve been pretty much in constant contact—usually Facebook messages a few times a week and the occasional Skype chat. He became better about instigating contact with me, especially if a few days would go by if he hadn’t heard from me. I don’t feel anymore as though I am the one putting in the bulk of the effort to stay in touch. When I got back to Canada a couple weeks ago he didn’t “play it cool” (as I put it last time) by biding his time before calling me; he messaged me on Facebook a few times and as soon as I sent him my new number he texted me then called me the same day; he wasted no time! So we met up last week and had a really fun time; it was pretty much just like before I left. I haven’t seen him since then because we’re both pretty busy right now so I don’t know yet how the dynamic between us will progress now that I’m back for longer than a couple of months.

Fortunately, I followed your advice you gave me before. (Read her first post readers) But now I realize that the position I have put myself in is that of a FWB (Friends with Benefits).

At any rate, before I came back to Canada I told myself I wouldn’t let myself be a friend-with-benefits but evidently I didn’t do a very good job of making that clear! I kept changing my mind as to whether or not I’d be able to be in a FWB relationship with him. On the one hand, I am happy enough to keep it like this because we do get along really well and I really like spending time with him. I really do value his friendship and I don’t want to risk losing the closeness I have with him if I cut out the intimacy factor. I’m not sure if he would still put in the consistent effort that he does to spend time with me if we kept our friendship platonic. If he were to tell me that he wanted to actually commit to me I’d have no hesitation for that. I know that’s what I want from him but I’m almost thinking if that’s what I want at the end of the day then maybe I should keep it status quo and see if anything progresses?

But that this leads me to total confusion. How does he actually feel about me? Whenever I talk about how he is with me people always think it sounds really positive with potential. But when I did address “us” with him his response boiled down to that he’s not sure if he can be committed in a relationship at this time. Fair enough – but maybe he’s letting me down nicely. He told me he cares about me and he’s sweet with me; and he makes a better effort to see me etc etc On the surface it does kind of seem as though he wants to date me. My take on FWB relationships is that, in general, the friends don’t necessarily feel a super strong enough connection to want anything much more than what they’re already getting out of the relationship. Stemming from that perspective, I’m not really sure about how much they genuinely care about each other. I see those relationships as the kind to most likely just fizzle out because I think that there should be more of a build up or gradual progression in a serious relationship. I know that if he were to tell me tomorrow that he has met someone and wants to start dating her I’d be very upset but I’m not sure how upset he’d be if I told him tomorrow that I met someone and was going to pursue a committed relationship with a new guy. And even though I know I should ask I really don’t want to bring this up because I’ve already had this sort of talk with him before. Should I just maintain this friend-with-benefits relationship and just hope it doesn’t totally fizzle??

Sorry this was so long winded, but in a nutshell I am really hoping you can give me your perspective about how you think he feels about me. Should I just keep it as a FWB situation with him in hopes it might progress into something down the road? I should mention that I’m really good at keeping myself busy and I’m still keeping my eyes open for something more substantial, but on that front I won’t let anything go too fast. ( Lol!) I don’t think I’ll let myself miss opportunities for this one guy I’m fixated on right now even if it stays status quo.

Thanks!!!

Sadie

Dear Sadie, 

Nice to hear from you again. Thanks for your question.

Here’s a progression for you to ponder:

Phase 1: Friendship
Phase 2: Friends with Benefits
Phase 3: One person—often the woman—starts to develop strong feelings beyond physical intimacy. (Emotional connection)
Phase 4: Frustration and confusion ensue
Phase 5: Heartache

We don’t see a happy ending to this situation Sadie. Sure he likes you, and might treat you well when he sees you, but we don’t see this developing beyond exactly what it is: a fun booty call for him.

If you’re staying in this relationship hoping it’s going to progress into something more serious we think you should move on. If you really think you can handle being in this situation and have fun with it, then continue the status quo. On the one hand you say you’re happy enough to have some sort of relationship with him, but then in the same breath you say you’d totally jump at being in a relationship with him if he asked you. This disparity troubles us. It seems clear to us that you want something more from this guy. (And we think it’s pretty clear to you as well.) And honestly if he’s just sweet and friendly with you because he’s getting “benefits” we just can’t see what you’re really getting from this. If this was just about sex, we imagine you could find many a willing partner for that .

We understand that you care for this guy and really want this to turn into a committed relationship, but from what we can tell, all the signs point to this remaining exactly as it is. And ultimately we see you being dissatisfied with this arrangement, and maybe even hurt by it.

Keep us posted. And good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

This girl is driving me mad

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

The Duality of Men

How to ask about sex? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Hey Guys,

This has been bothering me so I thought an outside opinion may help. I have known this girl for about two years. And six months ago it started to get more serious. We started hanging every day and a couple months after that we had sex. Everyone who knows is all congratulating me but I feel like it didn’t mean or change anything. And now that school has started back up and things like the ACT are looming we don’t spend as much time together, which is normal except now, for the past few days I hear about how everyone sees her with her ex and it looks like they are dating.

I don’t really know what to do cuz this dude is starting drama I don’t need, and this girl doesn’t want to date me. (She says she would but she doesn’t want a boyfriend.) I care about her a lot but I am just confused.

Am I being played? Should I wait it out? I don’t know please help.

Dom

Dear Dom,

Thanks for your question.

So we’re not completely sure of all the details, but our best guess is, over the summer the two of you consummated your relationship, but without talking much about it. (We’re assuming you only had sex one or two times.) In fact, is it possible both of you actually avoided defining the relationship?—her because she didn’t want to be in one and you because you were uncertain of where she stood. And now that school is started up again, still not having talked about it, she is hanging out with her ex and you are left wondering.

According to some of the younger guys on our crew, high school is still about “going out” with one person rather than dating around. And if this girl is saying she doesn’t want a relationship with you, even after the two of you have had sex, it seems pretty clear that she’s not interested in more than a friendship and an occasional romp in the hay. It is pretty atypical that this girl would have sex with you and then not want to at least talk about a relationship with you, but she hasn’t wavered from that decision so it seems pretty clear that she in fact does not want to be tied down. (Unless she’s lying to spare your feelings and she really isn’t interested in you at all. That is something you should consider. And if that is what’s going on, yes, she might be playing you, and actually already dating her ex.) Either way, the message seems the same to us: She’s moved on.

The only way to be sure is to tell her how you feel and ask her directly what she’s really feeling. Of course if you do that, the drama will begin—with her, AND this other guy—and we’re not so sure much will come of it except more confusion for you. But it’s up to you.

One note: Many people, especially young people, think that sex leads to commitment. But in fact it’s the other way around. Sex is even better when it comes after commitment.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. You might enjoy our last article, “The Duality of Men.”

 

 

Friends with Benefits: Why Me?

Dear Readers,

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion, Join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Why is he not asking me out?

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family? 

Military relationship: What do I do?

How to ask about sex? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Dear Guys,

Okay, so I have this guy friend, and we’ve been friends for about 5 years now. Over the course of the 5 years I’ve always had a little crush on him. He’s always been flirty with me but I never thought anything of it because I was unsure if he was just a flirty guy, or if he liked me. I just assumed he was a flirty guy to spare my feelings.

Well, up until now we’ve never been single at the same time. He sent me a text the other day basically asking if I wanted to add sex into our friendship. While I am all for having “no strings attached sex” I am a little confused as to why he would ask ME for that. He knows other women, so why bother asking me? We have conflicting schedules with work so the likelihood of us really having sex often is slim.

Is this his way of trying to get closer to me? Thanks for the advice!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

Your friend asked you for sex because feels comfortable with you, and he knows you well enough to know it will be an easy arrangement with no drama. However, this does not mean we (THE GUYS) think this is a good idea. In fact the first thing that came to our minds when we read your question was: be careful and proceed with caution.

His proposal almost sounds like a business proposal to us; except that a physical relationship with someone, especially a long time friend, is ripe for disaster. And since it sounds like you have actual romantic feelings for him, this could get confusing pretty quickly. Let’s be clear Sarah: He isn’t trying to begin an actual relationship with you that might progress towards something serious; he’s asking you for sex. The two couldn’t be more different. Sure, this does mean he’s attracted to you—although guys will have sex when they can get sex— but it also says something else is missing for him, otherwise he might actually be asking you out on a date.

Only you will know if you feel comfortable and strong enough to go forward with this arrangement. It’s your decision obviously. But please think long and hard before you embark on a path that you’ll never be able to reverse.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

TGP Podcast Ep.44 The Vegetarian Episode

TGP Ep44 The Vegetarian Episode               
[display_podcast]
Sorry, no tofu recipes here.  (Although Cucch has some good ones)  We just mean that this is our first episode without our main segment “The Meat”  Instead we bring you a tasty audio buffet including”

Sai’s daughter discovers the joy of the Mall and we reminisce about candy shops and penny candy.

Are We the Only Ones?: Is it just us or could “back to school” not come quick enough?

First World Problems: This is a new segment highlighting what Urban Dictionary defines as:   Problems from living in a wealthy, industrialized nation that third worlders would probably roll their eyes at.
Here is an example:  “I had to flush the toilet before I used it  cause the water I was about to poop in wasn’t clean enough”
You can find a wealth of these sayings by following the Twitter hashtag #FirstWorldProblems or at http://www.reddit.com/r/firstworldproblems/

Ask the Guys: We field four great relationship questions from you our listeners.

Jennifer  “I don’t want to be a homewrecker…”
Jax  “Are we Friends with Benefits or is this a relaionship?”
PR Sawyer  “Is it normal for a man to act this way?”
Melissa  “Help!  I’m lost.”

As always if you have any comments, kudos or criticisms let us know.  You can also share your stories in any of our segments including:
Pet Peeves
Father Stories
Are We the Only Ones
Youth is Wasted on the Young
The Truth
Stream of Consciousness
Ask the Guys
Call our voicemail line any time 24/7 at 347-855-GUYS (4897) or click the Contact Us
tab on The Guys Perspective website.

My best friend: What does he want?

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Long distance relationship: Trying again?

Long distance relationship: Push and pull

Is he into me or not?

Friends with benefits?

Am I being played again?

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Confusion: Is my housemate only interested in sex?

Online dating: Should I move forward?

Dear Guys,

I’m writing to you because I don’t even know what to make of the relationship I have with my best friend. We have known each other for a while now and ever since we met everything clicked. He calls/text everyday; we spend a lot of time together whether it’s at his place, with his family, his friends, you name it. So it’s no surprise that I ended up falling for him.

The chicks he is with now are pretty much fuck buddies. Nothing serious but it stills bother me. I confronted him about this and told him how I felt. I even tried to stay away from him. He said he didn’t want to lose me and got mad when I told him I wanted time away. Since then, instead of pulling away like you would expect from other guys, he did the opposite. He just acted like the conversation never happened and still called and asked to hang out.

Lately, he has even told me we should get a place together. He asks about the guys I’m with and we talk about the future and what we want. What drove me over the edge though was a party we went to not too long ago. We always flirt. But this time more than usual. We were buzzed and dancing all over. I got so into it that I almost kissed him. He noticed and told me I deserved something better than him. Now, I have always believed if a guy likes a girl he will make it happen. But, with him I don’t know what to think. If he doesn’t like me why would he want to spend so much time with me, tell me everything, flirt, or even picture me in his future like that if he didn’t like me.  But if does he like me what is he waiting for? None of my friends understand him.

I really hope you will be able to help me.

Sincerely,
Gina

Dear Gina,

Thanks for your question.

We can see how his behavior would be confusing to you. But your initial take on guys is dead on: If a guy is into a girl typically he’ll do whatever he can to make it happen, unless of course he’s painfully shy, which doesn’t seem to be the case with your best friend.

Obviously he cares a lot about you. He values you as a friend, and enjoys your company. He trusts you, and feels comfortable sharing his thoughts and dreams with you. But something is missing for him. Otherwise he would doing whatever he could to take your relationship to the next level. The fact that he isn’t doing that tells us he’s likely not into you in that way.

Here’s the tricky part to all of this: His behavior won’t necessarily be 100 percent consistent. Meaning, he might try and sleep with you at some point, or be physical with you in some way. But if this happens it will likely be his way of trying to force something that isn’t there. We can assure you he’s wishing he was in love with you. And he’s likely beating himself up and telling himself he’s a fool for not being in love with you. But if he was attracted to you in that way we think you’d already be a couple. You have to look at how he is MOST of the time. How does he behave towards you the majority of the time? That’s the question you have to ask yourself. From what we can see, he treats you as a loving friend, but not a girlfriend.

But why not talk to him about it? He might not want to tell you the whole truth, but at least the topic will be open for conversation. That would be a start in unraveling this mystery.

Best of luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

 

Confusion: Is my housemate interested in just sex?

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

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Dear Guys,

I have lived in a shared house for a while now, and recently my house mates have changed—one of them being a man age 28.

We hit it off pretty well and like the same things. The mixed signal part is that when he’s busy drinking, and getting slightly drunk, he’s very flirtatious, and we’ve ended up having sex twice now. But only when he’s in that state; otherwise he doesn’t approach me, apart from in a house mate fashion.

I’m confused as to what that means. Please help!

Deliah

Dear Deliah,

Thanks for your question.

This is actually pretty straightforward. His actions are telling you the answer. When he’s drunk he’s interested in having sex with you, and when he’s sober he reverts back to a business relationship with you.

If you want to view this in hopeful terms you could paint him as a shy guy who needs a little drink to help him come out of his shell. But more likely the alcohol makes him feel randy, and since you are present, available, and willing, he pursues you for sex. We’re not saying he would have sex with anyone who happened to be standing there, but alcohol certainly makes everyone and everything seem attractive.

Our advice is don’t succumb to his advances when he’s been drinking. In fact, you might want to remove yourself from the situation. Either go to your room, or even better, leave the house and go out with friends or something. If this is too difficult, you might want to think about finding some new housemates, or even possibly, a new house to live in.

Even nice guys want sex as much as possible. All guys are wired that way. And when an opportunity presents itself like the one you’re describing, many a guy would seize the moment. It’s easy and fun. We’re not saying it’s right, just that it is. So we hope for the next time you understand that if you’re in a relationship that’s only about sex, it’s more than likely it will always be just about sex.

We wish you the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Feel free to leave us a follow up comment or question.

 

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___________________________

Dear Guys,

So I recently started hooking up with this guy. I liked him a little, and told him I wanted to keep things casual before we both start college in the fall. We hooked up one time, and ended up going “all the way.” I was originally not going to text him, but he began texting me and we’ve been talking non-stop. I’ve hung out with his friends, but he will never touch me in front of them. However, once we get into the car, he’ll begin talking to me and he’ll kiss me good night. We’ve gone “all the way” a few times now, and we both know each other really well. I am worried because he stopped texting me, even though he told me how eager he is to see me again in a non-sexual setting. I’m trying to figure out if this means he wants to be more than “friends with benefits,” or are we still only in the “hook up” stage? Keep in mind, we’ve hung out together and not done anything, and we both still have fun. I’m really confused about the state of this relationship

Hilary

Dear Hilary,

Thanks for your question.

Part of the confusion stems from your initial desire to keep things casual before you leave for college. But when you couple that with “hooking up,” which for some someone your age isn’t typically casual, now we’re even a bit confused.

What we’re gathering from your note is that now you’ve decided you like this guy beyond a “friends with benefits” arrangement. And this is the problem with casual “hook ups.” Someone—and often the woman because men still seem to more easily separate the physical from the emotional—starts to get connected emotionally, which leads to a potentially confusing and frustrating situation.

It might be nice to sort this out before you leave for college in a few weeks, but this could be the type of situation where things are up in the air even as you leave for school. A lot is going to happen for both of you in the next 9 months. And since things are already unclear between the two of you, maybe you should revert back to a platonic relationship with him so you can keep yourself open to new possibilities as you enter school. There ARE couples that stay together all throughout college, but those couples are rare, and usually have a solid foundation in place before they do the long distance dance. More typically, couples split up and explore on their own, and then sometimes reconnect a few years later. We think if people are meant to be together, somehow they’ll end up finding each other again.

If this answer doesn’t help you, then your best bet is to talk to him and try to find out where his head is at. And of course tell him how you’re feeling as well. But since he’s been giving you mixed signals you may not get the answer you’re hoping for.

Good luck on all fronts,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a comment or feel free to ask a follow up question. And let your friends know about us.

___________________________

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

 

Going from ‘friends with benefits’ to a dating relationship

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating Older Men

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Getting Played: Listen to your friends

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the Ask the Guys page.)

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

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Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Dear Guys,

Story is that I met this guy three years ago and we had two dates. Then I did the regrettable: I had sex with him. Since then I’ve liked him, but we never got to the stage of it becoming a serious relationship. All he would really call me for is sex. I began to get the hint and I cut him off three times; but yet I find myself missing him and going back. I recently went back like a month ago and we had a long talk on how I didn’t want to have the FWB (Friends with Benefits) relationship. I told him I liked him and that’s the only reason I’ve had sex with him.

We have seen each other twice since then and the second time he unhooked my bra. I knew what he wanted to do but I backed away; and before I left I gave him a hug and then I don’t know what I was thinking but I went in for a kiss and he gave a me a weird look. Now I am officially confused as to what the situation is. And the truth is I really want him to be my boyfriend.

Guys please help me out =(

-Ariie

Dear Ariie,

Thanks for your question.

Your situation is more common than you might think. Women and men often think about sex differently. For you sex with this guy is your way of showing him how much you like him. For him, it could be purely physical.

Guys can easily separate the physical from the emotional. Once the “act” is over, we can easily transition into the next thing: What’s for dinner? What’s on TV? That’s not to say guys are incapable of love. We are certainly capable of love, and want it as much as women. But when it’s not there, we can still have sex just as easily.

It is possible to transition from a “Friends with Benefits” situation to an actual relationship, but we think this guy would have pursued you by now if he wanted more than just sex.

Having said that, we still think you should seek the answers you need. Remember: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Tell him how you feel—again. And tell him what you want. It’s good to be specific. Don’t just tell him the only reason you had sex with him is because you like him. Be straightforward and tell him you want to be in a relationship with him. If he says he’s not interested, you’re no worse off than you are now. In fact better, because you’ll be able to move on to pursue a relationship that might have potential for a future.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Older guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating Older Men

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Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question in 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the Ask the Guys page.)

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

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Dear Guys,

So there’s this guy from Muay Thai class that I like. I met him recently, around 5 months ago, but he is much older than me — I’m 22 and he is 33. We are now having conversations online for at least one hour a night, 70% of which are probably initiated by me, but he seems happy enough talking.

Also for the past two months now, we’ve probably hung out alone together three or four times. We go for casual dinners, watch movies, and play video games till around 3am each time. Even though we’ve been alone he has never initiated any physical contact with me. I have however seen him sneak looks at me while we are watching a movie sometimes. He has never told me what he thought of us and never called us hanging out alone a “date” so I just assumed that to him we are only friends, but is it possible that he could also have feelings for me?

I’m also shy and afraid of saying anything about that to him because it is possible that I am just blinded by my feelings, or misinterpreting things. And saying anything might result in the end of the friendship we currently have. What do you think?

Marina

Dear Marina,

Thanks for your question.

By now, you may have your answer since it took us a few weeks to get to your question. However, we think this is pretty straightforward.

No guy is going to invest that much time with a woman unless he’s interested in her beyond a friendship. However if he truly just wants you as a friend, it’s possible he’s not interested in women in general. (All we’re saying is it’s possible.)

So let’s assume he’s straight and is interested. The age difference isn’t a problem for him. Eleven years in the big picture isn’t a big deal at all, but you are slightly young to embark on a relationship with a guy eleven years your senior. Are you okay with it? Do the two of you seem compatible on many levels? (You should listen to our video on Dating Older Men for more insights.) The fact that he’s probably established in the “adult world” with a job, an apartment, and a routine, means he’s probably in a very different place than you are in your life. It’s likely you’ve just finished college, and are now trying  to get established in the world. This gap can often create divisions in a relationship if they’re not talked about frequently. Good communication is vital for a relationship to thrive and endure.

Sometimes the older person in the relationship can be smothering and not allow the younger partner to grow and evolve on their own. Be on the lookout for this, because you will end up being resentful if this occurs. This shouldn’t prevent you from moving forward, it’s just something to be aware of.

Now back to your question. We do think he’s into you. So the question is why hasn’t he made a move on you? Maybe he’s shy? Or maybe he feels a little weird since you are a lot younger than him? He may be attracted to you—that’s why you see him stealing glances—but he’s unsure how he should proceed. He’s doesn’t really know how you’re feeling so he doesn’t want to make a move for fear of being perceived as a pervert, or even worse a predator. If he is feeling this way, this is a good thing, because it means he’s got a solid awareness of his place in the world, and society.

If you want to make it easy on him, drop some hints that you’re interested. You should not be the one who makes the first move, but it’s okay to let him know it’s okay if he does. Of course nothing is guaranteed here Marina, so understand when you attempt to transition a relationship from friendship to romance, things can go either way.

Good luck and keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment and let us know how it goes.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. And subscribe to our You Tube Channel.

Being played by my woman?

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

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Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

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The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Episode 37: Glee, Dunkin Donuts Psychic, Bratz, Slow Jams Contest

Hey Guys,

So I started hanging with this girl and we hit it off right away.  She was telling me how she really likes me and how she is falling for me and all this great stuff. And I had the same feelings for her and felt the same way.  We would talk every day and acted like we were in the process of getting together. One day I went to go meet her parents and it went terribly.  Her father refused to speak to me and her mom kept giving me these looks like I did something wrong even though I was respectful and tried to talk to them.

Over the course of the next couple weeks she started acting weird towards me. She said everything was fine when it really wasn’t. Now we are friends and we still hook up every once in a while. She says she cares about me and what not but somehow I feel like she is playing me until she can find a better guy. Or she is just hooking up with me and other guys too. I want to forget her but I can’t because I still have those feelings from when we first starting hanging out.  Maybe you guys can help me out, and give me some advice and maybe can help me figure out what she is thinking or what not.

Meat

Dear Meat,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry your visit with her parents went so poorly. Do you have any idea why her father wouldn’t speak with you? Obviously he had some preconceived notion of you, and had already decided he didn’t like you even before he met you. So what’s going on with that?

Here are some reasons a father might act that way:

1. You’ve done something in the past to hurt his daughter.

2. He thinks you’re using his daughter, especially for sex.

3. You don’t treat his daughter with respect.

4. He thinks you’re a player, and you’re not serious about his daughter.

5. He thinks you’re not good enough for his daughter. (Class issue. Job issue. Motivation issue. Even looks issue.)

6. He doesn’t like your ethnicity, religion. (We’re not saying this is okay, but if he was not an open-minded person, this could be an issue.)

7. Thinks you can’t provide for your daughter.

8. No one is good enough for his daughter. Period!

9. He’s a mean dude.

Daughters are very connected to their fathers, especially when it comes to prospective mates. She is looking for his approval about the man in her life. Since it’s very obvious he doesn’t like you this puts her in a precarious position. To be with you she has to choose between you and him. This is not the scenario she pictured in her mind when she thought about the man of her dreams, so it’s likely she feels very conflicted about you and the relationship because of this. And this could account for why you think she’s only hooking up with you while she bides her time looking for a more suitable guy who her father will like. (Of course, if he falls under #8, she’ll be searching forever. And if that’s the case you’re lucky to not be the one she chooses. Because ultimately it’s a lot better to be with someone whose family you get along with.)

So have you told her how you feel about her? We mean really told her? Maybe you need to take her out on a proper date, or dates, and start getting to know her on some other levels. Is it possible she thinks you only want her for sex as well?

Also, if she is hooking up with other guys, and you still want to pursue the relationship, you need to differentiate yourself from these other men. We get the sense that you think you might not be good enough for her, when you wonder if she’s looking for someone better. Well maybe she has her own struggle with self-worth, and if you start treating her as more than a hook up she might start responding differently to you. And maybe even her father will too, if he knows you’re in it for the long haul.

Fathers just want their kids to be happy. If he sees that you are a respectable guy that will do whatever it takes to make her happy, he may come around. (Although we won’t lie to you: sometimes these things take years.) As far as your lady friend, start communicating beyond the bedroom. And keep us posted.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment, or question. Thanks.


Booty caller wants a sleepover

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

Let’s start here; I’m 20 and he’s 25. He is the older brother of one of my closest guy friends. I met this guy almost two years ago. When we met we both had just recently come out of serious relationships; his lasted 5 years and mine 3 years. I slept over (no sex) when we first started dating, this was about two months after I had ended my previous relationship. After three months of dating I broke it off-he didn’t have time to be in a relationship from my point of view. By this time we had a sexual relationship.

It’s been almost two years since then and we’ve kept in touch and kept our sexual relationship going. He’s made it clear that he’s not ready for a real relationship and I’ve accepted it. Every so often he’ll give me a call saying he misses me and that he wants to see me and wants to “watch a movie.” When we’re done “watching a movie” we’ll snuggle and listen to some music and pretty much just hang out. I always go home to sleep in my own bed. However, he’s tried to guilt me into spending the night a few times recently.  When I don’t want to go over or when I say it’s too late or that I’m tired he’ll just say “spend the night” or “we don’t have to have sex, just sleep over.” I’ve made it clear before that I wont be sleeping over. We both know we only have a sexual relationship (booty call in lesser terms) and spending the night has a little more meaning to me to start doing it in this kind of relationship. So my question is: why does he insist on asking to spend the night when he already knows I’ll say no? Isn’t the guy the one who should be running away from the sleepovers not asking for them?

Isabelle

Dear Isabelle,

Thanks for your question. This is an interesting reversal of the natural order.

We just need to ask you this question: If he WAS ready to be in a relationship would you be open to it? It sounded like you were interested in having a relationship with him in the past. Are you still? (Leave us a follow up comment.)

We’re not quite sure how to interpret your note. It seems that you like this guy but you’re keeping him at a distance by not sleeping over. This way you won’t get hurt. If that’s the case we think you really need to reevaluate what you’re doing. If you don’t trust him, why are still having sex with him? Do you really think it’s healthy for your overall state of mind? If you’re truly with him just for the sex, wouldn’t it be better to start dating someone else you can trust, and who is ready for a committed relationship? Check out our last post entitled, Friends with benefits. This might give you some additional insight into this type of relationship.

So let’s address your actual question.

We can think of several possible reasons he is asking you to sleep over.

1. He is lonely and would like to have someone in his bed for a night every once in a while. Yes, guys can get lonely too. Or even bored.

2. He wants sex in the morning too.

3. He actually has changed his mind and wants to start a more serious relationship with you.

Our initial feeling was: you should move on. But after reading your note several more times and discussing it, we’re not so sure. Maybe he has changed his mind about a relationship with you? We’re mixed on this. But here’s what we think you should do: You need to figure out what you want. It’s not clear to us what that really is. Once you figure that out, we think you’ll see things more clearly, and know how to proceed. Have you ever thought of asking him why he wants you to sleep over?

A “booty caller” relationship certainly can be fun, but after a while it’s like an endless holding pattern where two people circle and circle, waiting to land.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please spread the word about us. Let your friends know. Share on Facebook and Twitter. And subscribe to our blog feed and/or podcast feed. Thanks!

 

Friends with benefits

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Recent questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

Prom

Deleting Friendship on Facebook

Did I make a mistake by leaving him?

Not sure if he’ll commit

Love or friendship?

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

I’ve been doing this “friends with benefits” thing with a friend of mine for about a little over a month now.  He was recently in a serious relationship, as was I. I made it clear that I was not looking for a relationship and he did as well.  We made rules and came to agreements about the situation. One of the major agreements being that we wouldn’t fall for each other and that if one of us did develop feelings we would back out.  However, I am starting to develop feelings for him. I get the feeling that he is harboring romantic feelings towards me as well.  He’s doing little things like reaching for my hand, running his fingers through my hair, or just pecking me on the lips every once in a while.  But he pulls back whenever this side of him starts to show.  I am not saying that I necessarily want a relationship with him, but I can’t help but feel this tension between us-not just sexual.  I have no idea what to do. I’ve never been in this situation before.  I don’t know if I should just ignore my feelings and continue to have fun, or drop the bomb and get it over with.  It would also be helpful if you guys could maybe help me understand what this guys mindset might be?

I’d be grateful for any insight you guys might be able to offer… HELP!

Morgarita

Dear Morgarita,

Thanks for your question.

We don’t know who coined the phrase “friends with benefits” but it certainly has become part of the relationship landscape. In some ways it’s a great situation. It’s safe: meaning you’re limiting your number of partners and cutting down the risk of STDs. And the sex is often great because there’s an immediate comfort level, but still with the initial excitement of an early stage relationship. However, it’s also ripe for confusion, frustration, and hurt feelings.

We tend to think guys benefit more from this type of relationship because they seem better able to separate their emotions from their physical desires. We’re not surprised that after a month or so you’re already developing feelings for your friend. It’s natural. Women tend to look for a partner who is funny, smart, interesting, and stable. Sure, good looks and a hot body are important, but they don’t necessarily determine whether or not a woman will fall for a guy. This guy you’re with probably has all of these qualities otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been his friend before you started sleeping with him.

For men, good looks and good sex, are usually must haves. That’s not to say we’re so shallow that we don’t care about humor, smarts, and other important qualities, it just means if we’re not attracted physically the game is over. But one important point to note: men can have sex with a woman and not be interested in anything more. Yes, we like to connect with the women we love through sex, but that doesn’t mean we love all the women we have sex with.

It’s hard to say what is going on his mind. The tender moments you describe could be him falling for you, or they could be part of blurred boundaries that will continue to happen in this relationship you so carefully and cautiously set up. Putting rules in place seems like a very practical thing to do, but rules and relationships have never been ideal partners, because the heart is going to do what it wants without consulting the head. And in your case, that’s what’s happening.

So we say go for it. Get it over with. Drop the bombshell. It’s been about two weeks since you asked this question, so that puts your relationship at around the two month mark. That’s certainly a reasonable time in which to have a more serious discussion, especially since you’ve already been partaking in activities that usually accompany a more serious commitment.

If he tells you he’s not interested you can always salvage your “friends with benefits” relationship. He will still be interested in that scenario pretty much no matter what you say to him. It might be awkward for a little bit, but trust us, he’ll want to continue at some point unless he finds someone else. Of course, we don’t know what you’d get from going back to the way it was if you truly want more from the relationship than just sex. It seems to us, if you do drop the bombshell, you should be prepared for the best and worst. Hopefully he feels the same as you and wants to take this to the next level. And if he doesn’t, at least you’ll have your answer. We’ll say it again, and probably another 100 times: nothing venture, nothing gained.

Good luck Morgarita. We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. And subscribe to our blog feed and/or podcast feed. Thanks.

Love or friendship?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Last few questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

Prom

Deleting Friendship on Facebook

Did I make a mistake by leaving him?

Not sure if he’ll commit

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

 

Dear Guys,

So this is a long story but here we go.. I’m in need on an emergency session! I was with my boyfriend for five years, and we moved in with my best friend and her boyfriend of two years. My friend and her boyfriend ended up splitting due to her being unfaithful. But me, my boyfriend, and her ex ended up keeping the house. After a few months I noticed that I started developing feelings for my roommate(her ex) and I asked my best friends their opinions.

My best friend of fifteen years moved in with us and knowingly started to go after my roommate just because I had a boyfriend. They hooked up like two times and eventually I found out and it really hurt me.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and my roommate and I have been hooking up-like ALL the way. I really like him,  and he said he likes me but I just feel like I might be getting played. My best friend still lives with me but unfortunately we do not speak at all due to some rumors I found out to be true. Also, I’m going to end up losing my other friend who dated my roommate previously once she finds out we hooked up. I really feel amazing to be single again. I’m only 20 years old and after five years I feel so liberated. But at the same time I really do like this guy. I feel like we should take it slow because he could be the one. I never pictured myself with a guy like this, but I’m completely baffled by him and just really need some advice. My emotions and nerves are everywhere.

Help?!

Cort

Dear Cort,

Thanks for writing to us. Sorry you are so frazzled.

But our first reaction is: wow!? If we read your note correctly, you and two of your friends have either dated or hooked up with your current roommate. Does that mean there aren’t a lot of eligible guys where you live, or is this one particular guy that special?

Let’s chat about your friends first. In the world of guys there is a code of conduct when it comes to hitting on women that your buddies have expressed interest in. (Meaning it’s a no, no.) And most guys adhere to this policy. But it sounds like anything goes with you and your friends. When your girlfriend moved in with you did you tell her you were interested in your roommate? If you did, and she still hooked up with him, she doesn’t seem like much of a friend. But on the flip side, you can’t expect people to be hands off some guy you’re possibly interested in when you have a boyfriend yourself. That’s a bit unrealistic.

As far as this guy goes, he’s got it made. He has women throwing themselves at him and he doesn’t even have to leave his apartment. He must feel like one lucky guy. That doesn’t make him a player, more an opportunist. But in your case, neither is all that savory.

We know you say you have feelings for this guy, but you have a lot of sorting out to do. First you need to figure out who your friends are and what role they’re playing in your dating life? Then you need to decide what you really want? Do you want to be single and play the field, or do you want to be in a relationship with this guy? And if you want to be in a relationship with him, do you want it to be exclusive? Because right now he has no reason to change his behavior.

The only way to see what might happen is to let him know you’re interested. Talk to him. See where his head’s at. The problem is that you’ve already set up one type of relationship with him, and sometimes it’s difficult to make a change from one type of relationship-a hook up- to a more serious and committed relationship. It’s more than likely he’ll file away the pleasant memories of this moment in time, and then move on and find a girl he wants to be serious with.

The only way to find out is by putting yourself out there and taking a risk. We wish you the best. It’s not pleasant to do that, but it’s necessary. If it doesn’t work out, you’re probably better off moving out of your apartment and starting over fresh.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

 


 

Is this boy playing me?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Last week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex(Read comments)

This week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

Reuniting on Facebook: Confused

How to start a long distance relationship?

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

So my best friend and I have been talking for two months now and we do everything couples do. Thing is, he says he isn’t ready for a relationship yet. I don’t know if that’s just an excuse to play the field or if he’s serious because his girl friend of almost three years broke up with him three months ago and he’s still hurting over it. He’s taken me to meet his parents and we hang out on the weekends alone. We haven’t had sex or done anything sexual so I can’t see why he would stick with me for two months if he wasn’t interested.

He tells me that he loves me and cares about me.. I love him, I really do.. I’m just afraid to get played and not only lose the guy I’m falling for but my best friend too.. Help???

Samantha

Dear Samantha,

Thanks for your note.

This is a tricky one. It’s clear you have a great relationship with your best friend, but it’s hard to say whether it’s anything more than that. The fact that he says he loves you, and has taken you to meet his parents doesn’t necessarily say whether or not he’s in love with you. Being in love, and loving someone, can be two different things.

When the two of you are together does he talk about his past relationship? Does he confide in you? Does he try to get your point of view on it? Is he still in angst over the breakup? Is he still in contact with his ex? If the answer is yes to any of these questions it’s likely he sees you only as a friend. That’s a great type of relationship to have, and one that we think more people should try, especially guys. But this may not be the kind of relationship you were hoping for with him.

Also, since it has been three months, it seems like something should have happened by now if he was really into you, even if it was just him saying he could see being in a relationship with you but isn’t ready, or something along those lines. Has he said anything like that specifically? Or does he talk more about how much he appreciates your friendship, and that he loves you for that? Does he talk in general terms about his readiness, or in specific terms about being ready to have a relationship with you?

Samantha, if you really love him, be patient, but not too patient. Don’t sit back and try to be his buddy and then expect it to go anywhere else. You have to be pro-active, and tell him how you’re feeling and what you want. If he really cares for you, he’ll want to know what’s going on with you. Sure it might get awkward if he doesn’t feel the same way, and you might lose him as your best friend, but your great relationship doesn’t have to end. That would be up to you and how comfortable you feel being friends with him even though he’s not interested in you beyond that.

But no, you are not getting played. Getting played would imply that he is purposely trying to deceive you. That’s not what’s going on. He genuinely cares for you Samantha but he may not be in love with you. You won’t know unless you take the initiative.

Keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Ps. Samantha and readers: Please let your friends know about us. Spread the word on Facebook, Twitter, or Face-to-Face!

Long distance relationship-to college friend: Is this girl playing me?

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on theAsk the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

Last week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Is he my boyfriend or am I just booty call?

We smile; does he like me?

Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship

This week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Hey Guys,

I’ll be as thorough as possible because this girl is really unique. She is unlike any girl I’ve ever met. So anyway, we’ve known of each other for about 3 years. She lives about an hour away from me, but I have a close buddy that lives down there and we met through him. We only really saw each other when I’d go visit him and that was pretty rare, but I think my buddy was slightly jealous because she would talk about me a lot. So finally,  she and I found out we were going to the same school and she hits me up wanting to hang out. I agreed, I didn’t really know anyone on campus but I sure as hell wasn’t going to just sit in my dorm all semester. So I went out and we went on a walk and it was actually really fun.

This walking thing started happening 2-4 times a week. Now keep in mind, I think she’s really hot but at the time we started going on walks I didn’t have feelings for her nor was I interested. I thought she was a little immature and somewhat naive, but the conversation was still great.

So the semester started in September, and by November we became really close. I was telling her stuff I couldn’t even tell my buddies and she was telling me stuff she couldn’t even tell her best friends. So essentially we became best friends that semester. Oh by the way, in October she made a slip and said she had a boyfriend that she’s been seeing since the start of the semester, who lives at home.

Anyway, come November, she’d always tell me how shitty her boyfriend was and stuff and I’d just sit there asking her why she deals with it. She’d tell me things she does for him and that he doesn’t even appreciate her. Anyway, because of these stories and us sharing so many interests, I really started to have feelings for her.

(Note to readers: We are going to sum up Ryan’s situation)(Note to Ryan: We had to shorten your note a bit, but our comments reflect your entire question.)

We started hanging out more and more and became closer and closer. We even started holding hands and kissing. But the thing is she still had this boyfriend that she wouldn’t break up with. After a while I told her it was too difficult to hang out with her knowing she had a boyfriend. Over spring break we didn’t talk much and it was hard on both of us. When school started up again we started hanging out again and it was great. It’s almost as if she’s my girlfriend but not really. We don’t have sex, but we do hug, kiss, and hold hands. She complains about her boyfriend more and more, even crying and saying she doesn’t know what to do.

I really like this girl and I don’t want to loser, even if it means we’ll just be friends. But my heart wants so much more.

So here are my question(s).

1) Am I not seeing the big picture here?

2) She’s mentioned she’s going to break up with him but has not. This is her first relationship and I know how hard it is to break up with your first “love” so should I show sympathy or be pissed she hasn’t broken up with him yet?

3) Is there a game plan I can assemble to make her dump him? Normally I don’t play the d-bag that does that, but he’s a real scum bag and treats her like dirt. She isn’t treated the way she deserves.

4) Would everyone agree here that there’s something more than just feelings of friendship between us? Or do you see me getting played by this girl?

Ryan

Dear Ryan,

Thanks for the very detailed question.

You’re definitely not getting played if you’ve described everything accurately, which we assume you have. It’s obvious from what you say that both of you have strong feelings for one another. In fact we’d go so far as to say, you both feel equally strong about one another.

We have to be honest and say that it does bother us that she is being unfaithful to her boyfriend. We’d hate the same thing to happen to you down the road if she were to leave him and be with you. We wish she were strong enough to break up with him first and then be with you, or just tell you that she can’t hang out with you and stay with her boyfriend. The fact that she has one foot in both places reflects her inability to make difficult decisions; although she is young and sometimes life just happens. We’ll just assume your assessment of her character is clearer than ours. So let’s address your questions.

Ryan, you need to ask yourself what’s stopping her from breaking up with her boyfriend? If he’s that lame, why hasn’t she broken it off yet? Sure, he’s her first “love” but this has been going on for long enough don’t you think? A lot of people are afraid to break up with someone because they don’t like being lonely. (In her case, she has someone who’s willing and waiting.) Some people don’t break up for fear of hurting the other person, but she’s already done that by starting a pseudo-relationship with you. So what gives? You need to really understand what’s going on with her. Have you asked her directly what’s stopping her? This needs to be discussed.

We don’t think you should formulate some game plan to get her to break up with her boyfriend; that’s not a good idea. If you do that and she thinks you’ve influenced her before she was ready to break it off, it will only lead to resentment down the road. She needs to figure this out herself. If she chooses you over him, you will be much happier. And if it doesn’t work out, then she’s not the right girl for you anyway.

Ryan, you’ve got a real nice thing with this girl. We think you need to tell her how you feel about her, and what you really want. Don’t pretend you’re okay with being friends with her, when you really want her to be your girlfriend. Be straightforward and honest with her, AND with yourself. It’s okay to ask for what you want. We encourage it. Sure, there are no guarantees in life, but you don’t want to look back with regret.

If nothing changes after you talk with her, it might be time to pull back a little. In some ways you’re a bit too accessible to her. Right now she gets to have your friendship, and have her boyfriend too. And sometimes people have a hard time making big decisions when there’s too much in front of them. If you make yourself a bit more scarce, she might have some room to really assess how she feels about you, and her boyfriend, and then make a decision that is right for her, and hopefully right for you as well. This doesn’t mean play hardball. Don’t remove yourself entirely and play some game with her. She needs to know that you still care for her, and that you’ll be there for her, but she also needs to know that the current situation is not working for you.

Keep your eye on the prize Ryan, but you may have to let it out of your sight before you actually get to have it.

Good luck and keep us posted. We’re rooting for you.

THE GUYS

 

 

Can this grow into something more?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

Last week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Is he my boyfriend or am I just booty call?

We smile; does he like me?

Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship

This week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Dear Guys,

I’m not in a serious relationship with anybody right now and I didn’t think I wanted to be in a relationship with anyone either when I started talking to this guy I met at school in October.  He is 21 and I’m 20. We started hanging out at school during our free time. I think he is a great person, and we both recently got out of some pretty serious relationships about a year and a half ago.

We text almost every day and he will call me every once in a while. (But there’s always a “but.”)

When we started hanging out we kind of let each other know it wasn’t anything serious. It was more of a way to be safe instead of “hanging out” with many different people. So we have had sexual relationships but we know we aren’t a couple. We have known each other for 7 months now and we have gotten to know each other better. When we had the winter break and spring break from school we still stayed in contact and tried to hang out. We talk about our past relationships; we even argue… we’re comfortable with each other. He shows he cares about me with little details; he calls me names like baby or babe, stays up talking to me at night, waited till 12 am exactly to call me on my birthday. When we meet up at school before he leaves he hugs me and tells me he wished he could stay longer, even when we are just hanging out. I rest my head on his shoulder and he kisses my forehead gently and tells me he enjoys spending time with me.

The problem is he sometimes takes forever to answer me after I text him; or sometimes he will stop answering all together. When I tell him about it he just replies he doesn’t really like texting. But I guess you figured out that’s not my biggest problem. I feel like I’m getting mixed signals from this guy and I started feeling attracted to him more than just sexually. When I tried ending it before I got hurt and he tried to stop me. And when I told him there were other girls he could meet, he kept telling me he didn’t want to be with another girl.

So I guess my questions are, does he want something more with me or is he just used to the idea of us being together without actually being a couple? Or is he just too lazy to go find another girl that will agree to be in a committed booty call with him?

Karen

Dear Karen,

Thanks for writing to us.

When a relationship starts one way and then morphs into something else, it is often accompanied by confusion, especially when one person wants the relationship to change into something more serious, and the other person is happy with the way things are.

It’s nice to have a guy friend who you can feel “safe” with and hang out with, but once you add sex into the equation things change, and often get more complicated. Men are better able to separate sex from emotion than woman. Your guy could really love your friendship, enjoy having sex with you, but still not be in love with you. For women, it’s not so easy to compartmentalize, and that’s why this relationship has changed for you and not necessarily for him.

From what you say, it’s clear he has strong feelings toward you, but based on what we know about guys, it’s not clear exactly what those feelings are. So trying not to sound like a broken record, you need to tell him things have changed for you and that you want this to be an exclusive relationship-boyfriend and girlfriend. There’s no need to try and be casual about it, things have gone way beyond that. Just sit him down, preferably somewhere besides the bedroom, and tell him how you feel; and ask him how he feels. This will not be a one time conversation. He’ll need time to percolate, and think about things. This might take a few conversations. But in the meantime stop having sex with him until this is resolved. No need to make things harder and more confusing than they already are.

As far as his lack of communication, and the fact that he doesn’t get back to you, that’s a separate issue and one that can be addressed after you get the main issue resolved. However, don’t brush this under the carpet. This is not a little thing. Guys may think they have a hall pass when it comes to communicating, but we don’t. And if your guy makes excuses why he doesn’t get back to you, you need to call him on it. Remember, the relationship has to work for you too, and both parties must listen, compromise, and work through important issues. It takes work to be in a relationship. Maybe that doesn’t sound sexy or romantic, but actually nothing is sexier than a trusting relationship with good communication, because that transfers over to every aspect of the relationship including the bedroom, if you know what we’re trying to say!

So take the risk Karen. Either way you’ll have your answer. Hopefully it will work out the way you hope. And if not, on to greener pastures.

All the best,

THE GUYS

 

 

 

My old flame: I’d like to try again

Dear Guys,

I’ve been seeing a guy I had a long term committed relationship with again. Okay, here’s the deal….we were together for about 6yrs. I broke up w him as we were both going through some fairly serious “issues/changes”. That was about 6 yrs ago. Recently, about 4mo ago, we got back in touch. We decided to go into a FWB(Friends with Benefits) type relationship as he had ended a 3yr relationship about 5 mo prior. PS-issues have been resolved for both of us… Upon first discussion I said that I would want to know if he were sleeping with anyone else and he stated, “Ignorance is bliss, I don’t want to know.” Well, after about a month he sort of pitched a fit because he “heard I was seeing someone else” and “wanted to see if I would tell him.” HUH?!?! I was not sleeping with anyone else and the problem was talked through.

So, things continue to progress. He began to text me daily and frequently. Now he sleeps over once a week and we do breakfast. We ALSO go out to dinner or I’ll cook. Sometimes we hang out w NO sex. We cuddle and then spoon during sleep. He always kisses me goodbye on the mouth, with hugs, too! We usually see each other 2-4x wkly.

The other day he texted me while I was at work, 15 min after his Gramma passed. He wanted to tell me about his awful day.

At any rate, about a month ago I realized that I had feelings for him again. We have a LOT of history and now that we both have our lives on track, I’m really happy getting to know him again.  I’m about being honest, so I emailed him last week on my way to work one morning and told him this. I don’t want to change anything and I know he’s not sleeping with anyone else. Well, imagine my surprise when he responds with some blather about being sooooo busy and not having time for a “relationship” or to be a real “boyfriend.” (His quotes, not mine) He said I’m obviously more than a FB friend, especially considering our history, but he wants to keep it casual and that I should be honest with myself.

WOW! Considering the way things were progressing, this was NOT the response I was expecting. I was very clear with him in that I don’t want things to change, but it was only fair that I told him about my feelings and that I need a minute to reassess what’s happening between us. He told me to take my time and he would respect whatever I decided. I gave it a week and sent him a casual text saying “hi” which he responded to.

Then (same day), his phone broke and he made it a point to message from FB(Facebook) saying he “was NOT ignoring my texts, if I sent any” and he was hoping for the replacement the next day. We messaged back and forth a bit yesterday and I haven’t heard from him yet today- although it’s not quite 9am! LoL! Now, i just feel strange and unsure of what’s happening…how to progress or if I even should.

At any rate, I’m beyond confused. Any help would be appreciated. BTW, we’re both in our mid 30s. I need an unvarnished opinion from some actual men on this one, please help!

S

Dear S,

Thanks for writing to us.

We can understand how you both wanted to tread lightly at first seeing that you have a history together-one that didn’t work out the first time-and also seeing that you’re both coming out of other relationships. But now that you’re seeing each other so much the lines are blurred, and what seemed to be working for both of you is now only working for one of you.

In some ways his reaction makes sense because he’s already getting all of his needs met. You see him four times a week, and in many ways already act as his girlfriend, but with no real commitment. This is great for him, but a recipe for disaster for you.

Even though this feels complicated, the best thing to do is tell him how you feel. Yes, he may run, but only if he doesn’t feel the same way about you. Lots of women think guys don’t like to pressured. And while that’s true, we’re no different than women in that way. No one likes to feel pressured. But it’s only pressure if we don’t want the thing you’re presenting to us. Example: If you said to him, “I really want to have sex with you a lot.” Do you think he would feel pressure? Absolutely not! He would say, “Bring it on.”

So be straight with him. Tell him how you feel and that you’d like to give it another try, if that’s what you really want.

You won’t get him back by acting all casual and pretending that things are cool the way they are. Too many people try this approach only to be resentful later. Don’t sell yourself short. Go for what you want. If it doesn’t work out you’ll have no regrets. And if he says no, then you’ll be free to find someone else who values who you are and wants to be with you.

Good luck.

THE GUYS