The Guy’s Perspective

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THE GUYS

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Read the Script:

Your boyfriend is a player. And your friends know this, but they’re afraid to tell you, because they aren’t sure how you’ll react. And they don’t think you’ll believe them anyway. So what do you do? You ignore your gut and ignore your friends—because in some ways you don’t really want to know the truth—and then you write to us, complete strangers, asking us to tell you what your friends already know. Your guy is a player.

So why don’t you trust your friends? I mean they are your friends for good reason, right. You must respect their opinion on some level….or maybe not.

What’s the problem? Why don’t you trust them?

Maybe you don’t like their fashion sense. Somehow their clothes are always a bit too big, or even worse, too small, especially that bikini that only covers a few freckles and a random mole.

And their taste in food is even worse than their taste in clothes. They still think the local chinese food is authentic, even though it’s cooked by college co-eds on summer break.

Maybe they like sappy date movies that you can’t stand, or their into faux accessories, since they can’t afford the real Vera Bradley brand…., or maybe they need a GPS to find their way home from work…Fine..but everyday?

Or maybe, just maybe, they’re hotter than you? And you don’t trust them because what the hell do they know since life’s been catered to them since they first batted their eyes in the delivery room.

And even worse they have bad taste in men themselves. They have no clue that their boyfriend is cheating on them, or that he’s hit on you once..or maybe twice. You try to tell them but they don’t listen. Why would they? They’re hotter than you, remember.

But guess what. They don’t trust you either for all the same reasons.

Doesn’t this seem a bit odd to you? You tell your friends everything—every little bit of minutia that comes up during the day. Every opinion you have. Every joke. Your friends know you, often better than you know yourself. But when the topic of your man comes up, you change the subject faster than a high school boy having sex.

So believe us when we say:  Trust your friends, because your friends will tell you the truth, if you just ask them.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Last week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex(Read comments)

This week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

Reuniting on Facebook: Confused

How to start a long distance relationship?

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

So my best friend and I have been talking for two months now and we do everything couples do. Thing is, he says he isn’t ready for a relationship yet. I don’t know if that’s just an excuse to play the field or if he’s serious because his girl friend of almost three years broke up with him three months ago and he’s still hurting over it. He’s taken me to meet his parents and we hang out on the weekends alone. We haven’t had sex or done anything sexual so I can’t see why he would stick with me for two months if he wasn’t interested.

He tells me that he loves me and cares about me.. I love him, I really do.. I’m just afraid to get played and not only lose the guy I’m falling for but my best friend too.. Help???

Samantha

Dear Samantha,

Thanks for your note.

This is a tricky one. It’s clear you have a great relationship with your best friend, but it’s hard to say whether it’s anything more than that. The fact that he says he loves you, and has taken you to meet his parents doesn’t necessarily say whether or not he’s in love with you. Being in love, and loving someone, can be two different things.

When the two of you are together does he talk about his past relationship? Does he confide in you? Does he try to get your point of view on it? Is he still in angst over the breakup? Is he still in contact with his ex? If the answer is yes to any of these questions it’s likely he sees you only as a friend. That’s a great type of relationship to have, and one that we think more people should try, especially guys. But this may not be the kind of relationship you were hoping for with him.

Also, since it has been three months, it seems like something should have happened by now if he was really into you, even if it was just him saying he could see being in a relationship with you but isn’t ready, or something along those lines. Has he said anything like that specifically? Or does he talk more about how much he appreciates your friendship, and that he loves you for that? Does he talk in general terms about his readiness, or in specific terms about being ready to have a relationship with you?

Samantha, if you really love him, be patient, but not too patient. Don’t sit back and try to be his buddy and then expect it to go anywhere else. You have to be pro-active, and tell him how you’re feeling and what you want. If he really cares for you, he’ll want to know what’s going on with you. Sure it might get awkward if he doesn’t feel the same way, and you might lose him as your best friend, but your great relationship doesn’t have to end. That would be up to you and how comfortable you feel being friends with him even though he’s not interested in you beyond that.

But no, you are not getting played. Getting played would imply that he is purposely trying to deceive you. That’s not what’s going on. He genuinely cares for you Samantha but he may not be in love with you. You won’t know unless you take the initiative.

Keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Ps. Samantha and readers: Please let your friends know about us. Spread the word on Facebook, Twitter, or Face-to-Face!

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Dear Guys,

I’ve always been “one of the guys” because in my group of friends I’m the only girl. I hang out with them on a daily basis. I’m starting to see one of them as more than a friend, but I can’t tell if he feels the same way. He always chooses to sit next to me and he’s ditched the others so we could hang out alone. But when we all hang out together, he treats me like “one of the guys.” It’s very frustrating and I can’t read his signals.

Keely

Dear Keely,

We’ve been asked a similar question before. Dating friends can be wonderful, but also confusing, especially at the beginning.

Guys love women who can hang with their guy friends. There’s nothing cooler than a woman who loves football, action movies and video games. But only if that woman also likes to be a woman too. If you are the former without the latter, then you are truly one of the guys, without the quotations. And that’s not necessarily where you want to be if you have eyes for this guy.

Who do YOU think you are in his eyes?

From what you describe it sounds like he’s into you. So you have two options. Wait for him to make the first move, or just tell him how you feel and give him the green light. We suggest waiting for a bit, and see how it progresses. If it goes on for a long time and he’s not making a move, you might just have your answer. If that happens he probably just thinks of you as a friend.

This doesn’t mean you can’t just tell him that you like him, but you might not feel comfortable doing that.

One last thing to consider. If you start dating this friend and it doesn’t work out, you might lose some of your other guy friends too. It’s not really fair but it could happen. Don’t let that scare you, but just be aware of it. We still think you have to follow your gut. If you really need to have a definitive answer, then just tell him how you feel. Taking a risk is always a bit scary but often necessary when it comes to matters of the heart.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Ask us a question. We’ll either answer it here on our blog, or on our podcast. Leave us a note on the “Ask the Guys” page. And check out our podcast if you haven’t already. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. (Listen on itunes, Zune, or here on our site.) And please subscribe and spread the word. Thanks!

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