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My ex always comes back to me. He has a child with someone else but I don't think he's happy with her. I usually think he finds an escape in me but over the years it's become too much. I've lost my patience with him. Will telling him I've moved on help with getting him to leave me alone? Will it make him jealous? Will it hurt him? Or do you think he's just using me? "Shen"

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Am I getting played or not? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Dear Guys,

I’m 21, he’s 22. I’ve known him for eight years. We’ve dated twice and simply kissed in between that span of breaking up and making up. We’ve make odes of passion in plenty of topics, and plainly fought over who cares about whom between us. He never leaves me. It’s comforting.

Right now, it’s a Friends with Benefits kind of thing with some romantic gestures. He always gets or makes my favorite drink. He holds my hands and will spoon me all night, kiss me my favorite way and always makes sure I like what he’s doing. He talks to me about everything. We find each other both very mysterious and he tells me I’m addictive and that I’m the only one who’s kept up with him. He tells me I’m special, and all the things someone like me needs and yearns to hear and feel. He rubs my hands sweetly, kisses me and yet he says he doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life, therefore no relationship. I just wanted to feel completely loved by him and I’d love if he found out his path in life; but I feel unsure. He says he loves my smarts, humor, and passion and he recently for the first time said he’d want me later on. I don’t want to feel played around though. Sorry if this was really sporadic!

Valarie

Dear Valarie,

Thanks for your question. As far as you getting played. No, we don’t think so, because getting played connotes some sort of intent to deceive. We think he’s clearly into you, but not enough to commit. Guys like to feel settled in their own lives before they get involved in a serious relationship. They want to feel like they have some sort of direction, and that they’re moving towards their goals. This could be career related or life related. Without this, guys feel adrift. He falls into this category.

One thing to consider though. Some guys will use the, “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life” excuse, in order to keep a woman on hold. We can’t say for sure what’s truly going on with this guy, except that he’s not ready to give you what you’re looking for. And therein lies your dilemma. How long do you stick around hoping he’ll change? And is it possible he can even do the work he needs to do to change and grow, with you in his life? Sometimes people need to be alone in order for them to do the necessary work. Understand though, that once this guy gets his act together, he will be a different person; and that different person may or may not want to be with you. (And you with him.)

The last thing to consider is his age. He’s young. Guys take longer than women to mature and find themselves. The process of self-actualization could be a long one. He might be searching for another 5-10 years. What do you think about that possibility? We’d hate for you to get into a holding pattern and not be moving forward in your own life while you waited for him to do what he needs to do.

Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. Leave them in the comments’ section below.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. Also share on Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Also, please take a moment to help a fellow reader. VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. We appreciate it.

My guy friend; is he playing me?

Hey Guys,

So I’ve been friends with this guy – Steven – for two and a half years. I’m 22 and he’s 23, and we met while at college, studying the same course. I feel like there’s so much to tell you about him, but I’ll try and condense it.

We’ve always had a very strange friendship; I don’t think he’s been friends with many females before me, and I had a lot of trouble getting him to open up. But basically, after about a year, I started to like him, and unfortunately (due to me foolishly confiding in friends) he ended up finding out. I admitted it to him, and in a bit of an awkward conversation, he told me he didn’t feel that way about me, spurted out all this talk about how I was “perfect marriage material” and that he didn’t want me to have to deal with his past. I’m not stupid, I realize it’s all talk so he doesn’t hurt me by bluntly saying, “No I’m not interested.” So I said that was fine, that we can still stay friends, and it was done.

I guess my main question here is that I’m feeling like I’m being played/manipulated by him. Although I’ve moved on to an extent (I think my feelings may always be there a little, but I’ve realized he’s not the right guy for me and I wouldn’t date him now.) I feel like he still clings to the confidence that he gains from knowing that I once liked him. He often tells me about girls in his life, and he’ll be quick to offer me to ‘hook up’ with one of his friends, which I always decline because I hate blind dates.

One time, a mutual friend of ours wanted to ask me out, and he confided in Steven, who told him NOT to ask me out. Why? I only found this out because of a friend who was eavesdropping; I’ve never asked Steven about it. Yet he maintains, according to other friends, that I’m just a friend to him and that’s it.

Also when we’re out in town dancing, the next day he’ll tell me about ‘all these guys that were eying you off,’ yet at the time this was happening, he doesn’t tell me. If it’s other friends, they’ll tell me right then and there. He doesn’t. Why tell me the next day? What’s he getting at?

Recently, I’ve tried setting him up with a girl, but he’s really hesistant. He is keeping in touch with her (just platonically) for the moment, and I often help him with advice. The funny thing is, recently I asked him for advice about this other guy that’s been on my mind, and he completely avoided the conversation the whole night. He knew I wanted to talk to him about it, but he he didn’t give me an open slot to bring it up.

I’m always happy to talk to him about girls, so what’s his problem?

Also, after years of being friends, Steven has never introduced me to his family. If he invites me over, it’s when no one is home. He always says he will, but then doesn’t. He opens up with me about things he hasn’t even told his mum. He’s quick to tell me HOW much I mean to him, but rarely shows it. When we’ve had arguments; he’s told me that he’d never let the friendship go, that he’d come banging on my door if I ever tried to end the friendship. That he’d always fight for me.

Another weird thing – he takes, generally, about 24 hrs to reply to a msg I send him. Not even kidding. What’s he doing for 24 hrs that it takes him that long to reply? Is this some sort of game he’s playing? Then if i take an hour to reply back, he won’t answer me till the next afternoon?

I just feel like he can be so genuine and sincere, and I find myself being drawn to him, before he’ll ruin it all by acting withdrawn or condescending the next time I see him, making me feel foolish for falling for it and opening myself up to him.

We’re purely physical by the way. I just want to know if he’s emotionally manipulating me like I think he is, and what you think I should do about it? What does he want from me?

I’m usually good at reading guys, I give all my friends advice, but this guy has got my mind reeling. I’m sick of his games.

Should I just end the friendship?

Any help would be great, I’m desperate for some good advice.

Thanks in advance guys, I’ll be sure to give you a donation.

Sophie

Dear Sophie,

Thanks for your question. We thought we understood your question until you said, ‘we’re purely physical.’ Wait, does this mean you’re sleeping with this guy? Because if so, his actions make much more sense. Please explain. For the purpose of this post we’re going to assume you are sleeping with him.

First of all, a FWB arrangement is not what you want here. And if that’s what’s going on you need to end that quickly. He might not be interested in a committed long-term relationship with you but he’s being territorial about you when it comes to other guys. He’s got a good thing going—a great friend and issue-free sex—so he doesn’t want some other guy moving in on his ‘good thing.’ So yes, he is manipulating the situation in that regard.

Sophie, ask yourself what you’re getting from this friendship. Are you secretly hoping he’ll come around? (Even though you say you’re not.) Be honest with yourself. If the answer is no, then stop the FWB and just be friends with the guy. If the answer is yes, then stop the FWB relationship and stop spending so much time with him. This friendship is actually impeding your ability to date other guys, because it’s keeping you emotionally hostage. Well, it’s more that you’re doing it to yourself by relying on him for so much.

Our suggestion: Dial this friendship back. Set up some clear boundaries. Lower your expectations to normal levels, to friendship levels. And start going out with other people away from this circle of friends. Overall, we think it’s time to move on from this situation as hard as that may be. This friendship is not good for you if you really want to meet some great guy and have a committed relationship.

As per his slow response time. In a word, inconsiderate. (A red-flag actually.) Is that the kind of person you want to have a relationship with? He might be fun to hang out with, but he seems to be getting more from the relationship than you.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

I’m dating several guys at once; Am I a player?

Hey Guys,

So I’ve always been really confident in my looks and intelligence. I know what I want and don’t want, especially in relationships. I usually talk to multiple guys at once, then narrow it down to 2-3 guys that I’m serious about dating. My friends tell me that I’m being a player…I’m definitely not sleeping with any of them. Sometimes, I go no further than a simple peck on the cheek.

Most of the guys I date know that I’m dating other guys. I’m honest and open with them. If they don’t like it, they have the option of moving on. I feel like we are all adults and make our own decisions. I am open and honest about my actions.

Now here are the real questions:

1. Do you feel like I’m a player?

2. I have always wondered, does it mean that I’m leading these guys on by not picking one right off the bat? I usually talk to them for like a month..date the 2-3 guys for like another month or two then decide.

3. I’m dating 3 guys right now, there’s one guy that I’m particularly interested in, but I found out that he’s a semi-virgin…while that kind of excites me…I think he’s a bit too sensitive for me. And honestly, he wants me to be exclusive already…I still want to date around for a little while more. I like the attention. How should I tell him that he’s probably the one I’ll choose, but he needs to wait for a little while more?

4. I never find the best way of breaking it off with guys. I usually ignore them. Does that hurt them more than just telling them I don’t like them? Would you recommend any other method of telling them it’s over that’s less painful?

Thanks. :)

Lily

Dear Lily,

Thanks for your question.

We don’t see an issue here. You have every right to date around while you figure out what you really want. This is the time to explore, NOT when you’re already in a committed relationship or when you’re married. So all the power to you.

However, there’s a caveat here. This only holds true if you are honest about your intentions. No one likes to be led on. No one likes to be used. And no one likes to be toyed with. If you are doing any of these things, then our initial statement is nullified. (We just wanted to remind you of that fact.)

Don’t worry about what your friends say. Everyone goes about figuring out life and relationships in their own way. Some people only get involved in serious relationships. Then they break up and move on to the next one. Sure, that’s one way of figuring out what works. But your way is just as valid.

So let’s get to your specific questions:

1. No, we don’t see you as a player. Although you do seem a bit like a serial dater. Are you ultimately looking for the one? What are you looking for exactly? (This could be what your friends are reacting to.) You can also get some feedback from the guys you are dating and breaking up with. What do they say when you tell them you’re no longer interested? Do they feel led on? (This is important feedback to process.)

2. Just be honest. If you’re doing that they can make their own choices on whether they want to give it a go with you.

3. We feel a bit uneasy about this one. If we were in this guy’s shoes, we wouldn’t want to wait around while you dated—and who knows what—with other guys. We wouldn’t blame him if he bolted. We understand you like the attention of many guys, but also understand that many guys will not be interested in being part of your dating stable. And they won’t want to play the game for that long.

4. Always best to be straightforward. Never, use the ignore tactic. Guys hate that. Actually, everyone hates that, and honestly it’s a bit cowardly. (Sorry if that was harsh, but it’s true.) Just be direct and do it fast if you’re going to do it. There’s nothing worse than a slow death.

Lily, you seem like you care about people, and care about what they think. And we understand you’re trying to figure this all out. However, what you really need to think about is: “What do I really want?” Because right now you seem a bit unsure what that is. And maybe this is also what your friends are reacting to. Are you looking for attention? Are you leading guys on to get that attention? Do you really want a serious relationship or do you want to just date and be free? Spend some time figuring that out, and then dating won’t seem as complicated.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question. Leave us a comment in the comments section.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Friends with Benefits

Read the script:

Friends with Benefits. It always seems like such a good idea doesn’t it? Easy, simple, no strings attached, no commitment, just pure unadulterated fun.

And you know it often seems to work for a while. Who needs the complications of a commitment anyway? Grown up words like accountability and responsibility belong in lecture halls, not in the bedroom.

And Life is about enjoyment. It’s about theme parks, vacations, dark chocolate, the beach, and hot car rides sipping a cold drink. And at the top of that list is giving yourself up and letting your hair down in the presence of someone you trust and have the hots for.

Picture this: You’re having dinner at your parents’ house and you get that text. You know the one. With the secret code words: Make cookies? or Dirty laundry? or Show tonight? You secretly smile to yourself and text back a resounding YES, because you know you’re in for a rockin’ evening. And then you gladly accept that extra piece of dessert, and happily endure the lecture you’re receiving from your parents about ‘when are you going to start being a responsible adult?’

Ahh….everything is bliss. But then…..

Then things unravels faster than you can say “unravel” because somehow this arrangement starts to feel like a relationship, and it turns out that maybe you do care about some of those adult words like accountability and responsibility. And to those you add one more word. Expectations.

Why is he going out with that other girl? I thought we had a good thing going?

He didn’t even want to talk afterwards. He just wanted to do his thing and leave.

Yikes. Now there’s a problem because there are two sets of expectations. His and hers.

Now more adult words creep into the equation: Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Resentment.

And part of the issue is, this type of relationship is different for men and women

Guys are often able to separate a physical relationship from an emotional one. For a guy, being involved in a Friends With Benefit relationship means only that. A friend, for which to have sex with no complications or expectations. And that’s why he’s often the one to propose such an arrangement.

But why would he do that instead of committing to something serious?

Three reasons. (Actually Four)

  1. The girl he’s hot for does not want to get serious. (He’ll take what he can get)
  2. The arrangment is convenient. (Nothing like a willing friend who’s always home on a Saturday night)
  3. He’s too lazy to find himself a real girlfriend. (Or too cheap)
  4. He knows the girl will be willing. (Some guys will exploit any situation.)

As far as women are concerned, sure, there might be some of you out there who are able to treat this type of arrangment like a guy might. But those women are few and far between.

So for the rest of you, here’s one simple rule to follow: 

If you’re considering a Friends with Benefits arrangment because you’re hoping it will develop into something more, or because you’ll take any kind of relationship you can get with that guy you’re head over heals for, then walk away. In fact, run away as fast as you can, because the guy is not thinking what you’re thinking. He already knows how serious he wants to be with you, even if the sex is amazing. And that’s why he’s proposed “Friends with Benefits” rather than a committed relationship.

A few final words:  A Friends with Benefits arrangment does not work for either gender because intimacy is complicated, filled with expectations, accountability and responsibility. Words used by grown ups in real relationships.

Please leave us a comment. Join the conversation or share your experiences as part of a “Friends with Benefits” relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over? 

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?

Kacey

Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Two questions: Is this party guy interested? (and) Did I get played by this girl?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

How to ask about sex? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

What does he really want? 

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over? 

Dumped by text

Dear Guys,

There is this guy who works at the ABC store that I am very attracted to. The first time I went in to stock my home bar he helped me and as I left he said, “Let me know when the party is.” I took it as if he was just being nice. I went back in tonight and he asked me how the bar was going. I told him that no one drank the rum and he said, “Let me know where the party’s at and I will drink it!”

Is he trying to tell me something? Should I have taken those comments and invited him over? I am soo shy. Should I just pass him the number and leave it at that?

Trisha

Dear Trisha, 

Thanks for your question.

Well, he’s either interested in you, or he really likes to drink rum. Either way, you won’t know unless you make the first move.

We don’t think there’s any harm in giving him your number, but just remember you don’t really know the guy. Maybe a first meeting should be sometime during the day, say for coffee? If that goes well you can take it from there.

He sounds fun, but we’re always a bit wary about relationships that begin with drinks. If you know what we mean!

Happy New Year,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

(AND)

Hey Guys,

So for about 4 months I started talking to a girl who I know through a friend. We started off as just friends but then I started to get feelings for her. I told her straight up how I felt and that I was starting to fall for her. She had been dating a guy who hit her and controlled her. She told me every day that I was the only guy who treated her right and that I was above all other guys ever.

A few weeks ago they broke up and she said she didn’t want to date anyone and stay single for awhile. I told her I respected that choice and told her I was still there for her. She told me that when she was ready I would be at top of the list. But last night I saw a tweet on my feed that said she was dating some other guy.

All I wanna know is if you think I got played and used? Did she only want me around to feel wanted and loved?

Thanks,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Thanks for your question.

Rest assured you did a good thing. You gave this woman strength as she dealt with an abusive boyfriend. Good for you.

But sometimes it’s a drag being the ‘good guy’ isn’t it?

We don’t think you got used specifically. Meaning, she didn’t use you and then discard you. She leaned on you as she would a friend. But we’re not sure it means anything more than that. Her choice of words to you seems a bit coy and non-committal. (“You’ll be at the top of her list when she’s ready.”) She has a list?

However, by your description of her taste in men, she doesn’t seem capable of choosing a good guy just yet. She’s still into guys who treat her poorly, as if that’s somehow more exciting. It makes no sense to us, just as women are baffled by guys who go for beautiful women with not much else going on—not that the two are mutually exclusive. (We’re just making a point.)

We’d say don’t abandon her; she still probably values your friendship. But we think you shouldn’t hold out any hope that she’ll suddenly come around. She’s got a ways to go before she’s ready for a good guy like yourself.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Am I being played again?

Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Other questions on “Getting Played” 

Am I being played again? 

Different Cultures; is he more than a friend, less than a lover?

Did I get played by this girl? and The Party Guy

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Guys,

Okay so for some reason, the guys I am interested in always end up playing me. I notice when this happens usually I am the one initiating things. Such as, asking if they’d like to hang out after meeting them a few times. From there I end up falling for them. Our “hang outs” seem too good to be true. Then something happens.

1. He says he’s not looking for anything but wonders if it’s cool if we keeping “doing what we’re doing”.

Or

2. I decide he needs to contact me the next time and he never does. Sometimes even getting a girlfriend soon after.

Well this pattern has seemed to be a reoccurring theme recently. Am I prone to bad luck or what? Am I doing something wrong? Now there’s this one guy.. He’s different, but possibly the same. There’s definitely a connection though. We’ve met a few times. I asked if he’d like to hang out. He agreed. I had a great time and supposedly he did too. We talked quite a bit. I thought I got a lot of hints that he liked me. First he asked if I had a boy friend. (I didn’t of course).Then our past relationships came up briefly. I kept it short saying I felt I deserved better. He replied saying, “You never know, something better might be standing right in front of you.” He leaned in slowly and kissed my cheek when we said our goodbyes, giving me a few firm hugs. I need advice! I’m scared to get feelings for a guy then have him hurt me again.

How do I know if he’s interested? Or how do I keep him interested?

Thank you so much,

Rachelle
(Btw I’m 19 years old, going on 20)

Dear Rachelle,

Thanks for your question. We realized you asked us the question in early July, which means your current situation has probably changed one way or another. However, we thought your question was a good one because many young women might be grappling with the same issue.

From the get go, you might want to let the guy be the one to take the initiative. (We think you know this.) We realize that taking the initiative gives you some control, but once you pursue a guy you’ve now handed him all the power, which ironically leads to less control as the relationship progresses. And at least at the beginning, when things are very uncertain how they might play out, you might want to sit on your “hands” and wait for the guy to ask you out. Yes, this might be difficult for you since you’re a take charge kind of girl, but it’s the right way to go. Also, if a guy asks you out then you’ll know he’s interested in you.

We’re not advocating game playing in your relationships. However, at the beginning, there is no relationship. It’s just you and the guy, and a world of unknowns. Who is this guy? What is he like? Will we get along? Do we have common interests? What does he do for work? Is he caring, kind, compassionate, smart? Does he want kids? What’s his family like? Will they like me? When will I meet his friends? Does he have any friends? Is he good in bed? The questions go on and on, but believe us he’s wondering the same things about you if he’s interested.

So Rachelle, you’re not prone to bad luck. There’s nothing wrong with you, except you’re a bit too eager. You need to let things unfold more organically, and let the guy make the first move, and maybe even the second, third, and fourth! But don’t change who you are. If the guys you’re dating keep playing you, or making you feel insecure, then it’s more likely you’re dating the wrong type of guy. Just take a deep breath, relax and be yourself. That’s the most attractive quality anyone can have.

And Rachelle, don’t forget to enjoy yourself.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some other questions to check out:

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

I suggested Friends with Benefits; Did I just dig myself into a hole

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more? 

Why did we really break up?

Friends with benefits?

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

___________________________

Dear Guys,

So I recently started hooking up with this guy. I liked him a little, and told him I wanted to keep things casual before we both start college in the fall. We hooked up one time, and ended up going “all the way.” I was originally not going to text him, but he began texting me and we’ve been talking non-stop. I’ve hung out with his friends, but he will never touch me in front of them. However, once we get into the car, he’ll begin talking to me and he’ll kiss me good night. We’ve gone “all the way” a few times now, and we both know each other really well. I am worried because he stopped texting me, even though he told me how eager he is to see me again in a non-sexual setting. I’m trying to figure out if this means he wants to be more than “friends with benefits,” or are we still only in the “hook up” stage? Keep in mind, we’ve hung out together and not done anything, and we both still have fun. I’m really confused about the state of this relationship

Hilary

Dear Hilary,

Thanks for your question.

Part of the confusion stems from your initial desire to keep things casual before you leave for college. But when you couple that with “hooking up,” which for some someone your age isn’t typically casual, now we’re even a bit confused.

What we’re gathering from your note is that now you’ve decided you like this guy beyond a “friends with benefits” arrangement. And this is the problem with casual “hook ups.” Someone—and often the woman because men still seem to more easily separate the physical from the emotional—starts to get connected emotionally, which leads to a potentially confusing and frustrating situation.

It might be nice to sort this out before you leave for college in a few weeks, but this could be the type of situation where things are up in the air even as you leave for school. A lot is going to happen for both of you in the next 9 months. And since things are already unclear between the two of you, maybe you should revert back to a platonic relationship with him so you can keep yourself open to new possibilities as you enter school. There ARE couples that stay together all throughout college, but those couples are rare, and usually have a solid foundation in place before they do the long distance dance. More typically, couples split up and explore on their own, and then sometimes reconnect a few years later. We think if people are meant to be together, somehow they’ll end up finding each other again.

If this answer doesn’t help you, then your best bet is to talk to him and try to find out where his head is at. And of course tell him how you’re feeling as well. But since he’s been giving you mixed signals you may not get the answer you’re hoping for.

Good luck on all fronts,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a comment or feel free to ask a follow up question. And let your friends know about us.

___________________________

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

 

Going from ‘friends with benefits’ to a dating relationship

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating Older Men

Getting Played: Trust your Gut

Getting Played: Listen to your friends

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the Ask the Guys page.)

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Dear Guys,

Story is that I met this guy three years ago and we had two dates. Then I did the regrettable: I had sex with him. Since then I’ve liked him, but we never got to the stage of it becoming a serious relationship. All he would really call me for is sex. I began to get the hint and I cut him off three times; but yet I find myself missing him and going back. I recently went back like a month ago and we had a long talk on how I didn’t want to have the FWB (Friends with Benefits) relationship. I told him I liked him and that’s the only reason I’ve had sex with him.

We have seen each other twice since then and the second time he unhooked my bra. I knew what he wanted to do but I backed away; and before I left I gave him a hug and then I don’t know what I was thinking but I went in for a kiss and he gave a me a weird look. Now I am officially confused as to what the situation is. And the truth is I really want him to be my boyfriend.

Guys please help me out =(

-Ariie

Dear Ariie,

Thanks for your question.

Your situation is more common than you might think. Women and men often think about sex differently. For you sex with this guy is your way of showing him how much you like him. For him, it could be purely physical.

Guys can easily separate the physical from the emotional. Once the “act” is over, we can easily transition into the next thing: What’s for dinner? What’s on TV? That’s not to say guys are incapable of love. We are certainly capable of love, and want it as much as women. But when it’s not there, we can still have sex just as easily.

It is possible to transition from a “Friends with Benefits” situation to an actual relationship, but we think this guy would have pursued you by now if he wanted more than just sex.

Having said that, we still think you should seek the answers you need. Remember: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Tell him how you feel—again. And tell him what you want. It’s good to be specific. Don’t just tell him the only reason you had sex with him is because you like him. Be straightforward and tell him you want to be in a relationship with him. If he says he’s not interested, you’re no worse off than you are now. In fact better, because you’ll be able to move on to pursue a relationship that might have potential for a future.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. And subscribe to our You Tube page.

New Videos: Relationship Advice on Getting Played

Visit our Video Page to listen and/or read the script. Listen to our podcast for more relationship questions and answers.

If you have a relationship question, leave us a note above. Also, scroll down to read some of our archives. You might find the answers you’re looking for in one of our previous responses.

Take care,

THE GUYS

 

Relationship and Dating Advice: Getting Played- Listen to your friends

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Read the Script:

Your boyfriend is a player. And your friends know this, but they’re afraid to tell you, because they aren’t sure how you’ll react. And they don’t think you’ll believe them anyway. So what do you do? You ignore your gut and ignore your friends—because in some ways you don’t really want to know the truth—and then you write to us, complete strangers, asking us to tell you what your friends already know. Your guy is a player.

So why don’t you trust your friends? I mean they are your friends for good reason, right. You must respect their opinion on some level….or maybe not.

What’s the problem? Why don’t you trust them?

Maybe you don’t like their fashion sense. Somehow their clothes are always a bit too big, or even worse, too small, especially that bikini that only covers a few freckles and a random mole.

And their taste in food is even worse than their taste in clothes. They still think the local chinese food is authentic, even though it’s cooked by college co-eds on summer break.

Maybe they like sappy date movies that you can’t stand, or their into faux accessories, since they can’t afford the real Vera Bradley brand…., or maybe they need a GPS to find their way home from work…Fine..but everyday?

Or maybe, just maybe, they’re hotter than you? And you don’t trust them because what the hell do they know since life’s been catered to them since they first batted their eyes in the delivery room.

And even worse they have bad taste in men themselves. They have no clue that their boyfriend is cheating on them, or that he’s hit on you once..or maybe twice. You try to tell them but they don’t listen. Why would they? They’re hotter than you, remember.

But guess what. They don’t trust you either for all the same reasons.

Doesn’t this seem a bit odd to you? You tell your friends everything—every little bit of minutia that comes up during the day. Every opinion you have. Every joke. Your friends know you, often better than you know yourself. But when the topic of your man comes up, you change the subject faster than a high school boy having sex.

So believe us when we say:  Trust your friends, because your friends will tell you the truth, if you just ask them.

 

 

Relationship Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter. We just joined the party. @TGPBuzz

Read the script:

We get lots of questions each week on our website. We answer them on the Ask the Guys page, on our podcast, The Guy’s Perspective Podcast on itunes, and soon to be on videos. One of the main questions we get is, “am I getting played?”

Our basic rule is, If you think you’re getting played, it’s likely you’re getting played…….

We believe you need to listen to your gut. It’s telling you something, like it does after you pig out on ice cream and truffles waiting for him to call. He doesn’t call. Unfortunately, he’s out with the cute twins down the street. But those five scoops of double fudge chocolate do taste pretty good going down, but not so good after the hours at the gym required to restore your natural order, although it is nice to catch up on those daytime soaps you missed.

If you’re still fighting your gut, open your eyes and be your own detective. Not a stalker……Not a stalker….. Here are some things to look for.

Does your guy go unaccounted for….hours at a time….or even days?

Is he taking trips with the guys to places like Vegas or Miami Beach, saying he’s going to play the slots, hang with his boys, and just chill? “Chill”

He won’t let you come to his house will he? (no entrance sign) Only meets you at yours. Or at the local dive. Hey, you’re cool. You can hang with the regulars..but not his friends.

What, you haven’t met his friends?

Seriously. You haven’t met his friends?

Is he too busy at work to call you? He only texts you doesn’t he. He won’t friend you on Facebook. Says he’s never on there anyway. Tell that to his two thousand contacts.

Probably forgets about your dates occasionally. Then apologizes profusely. But does it again. And again.

Doesn’t matter. He never has enough money to pay the tab anyway. That’s when he even takes you out. What you don’t like his pirated video collection?

He’s out of town for work a lot isn’t he? But you never seem to get all the details. Just some new embroidered towels and a pack of exotic matches, which he keeps borrowing from you when he stinks up your bathroom….after he shows up around midnight just to “hang out.”

You get the picture. You do get the picture don’t you?

So open your eyes and see what’s in front of you. What’s that? No, sorry you can’t go through his phone. You can’t go through his computer. Remember, you’re not a stalker.

Are you seriously thinking about going through his emails? Stop! You can’t do that. Think about what you’re contemplating. And what are you going to do with the evidence? You can’t use it to fix your relationship. Well, I guess you could use it to expose him on Facebook. Hmmm….that might be useful after all. And he’ll never find out, since he’s never on there anyway.

But really, if you’re contemplating this line of action don’t you think things have already reached the point of no return…like agreeing to a threesome, only to have him fall for number three?

Is this really a relationship you’ve got going? Or some kind of farce…. like an election that needs a recount. Or lip synching. Or some dog that ends in doodle. If you won’t believe your gut then at least believe your friends. They know better than you. But we’ll save that for next time.

Subscribe to our blog, podcast, or You Tube channel. Thanks.

And until next time. Keep those eyes open.

 

 

How to start a long distance relationship?

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

____________________________

Dear Guys,

I recently met a man and really hit it off with him, even though we only spent about a week together. The problem is he lives a two hour plane ride away. We’ve kept in touch via texting and it’s been getting very suggestive. I want to see if this could potentially be a relationship but is he just in it for phone/cyber sex? I’m not sure if I should go with it and see what happens or back off?
Thanks!

Olivia

Dear Olivia,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s hard to say what this guy wants. But if you’re really interested in pursuing this more you need to get to know him much better.

The first way to do this is talk to him as much as possible. We know that texting-especially of the suggestive nature-can be fun, but it’s keeping the relationship in the fantasy realm which is always sexy and seductive, but not going to help you gather the information you need to figure out if you want to pursue a relationship with him. And since you live a good distance from each other you need to up the actual conversation to find out more about him-his friends, interests, job, family- and then hopefully find out about what he wants-casual relationship, committed relationship, marriage, or a fling.

Of course ultimately the best way to find out about him is to get together in person. You don’t mention how the two of you met but we assume from your cautious tone that maybe you met online. It doesn’t seem like he’s a friend of a friend or anything like that. So if you do get together maybe it should be on your terms and your turf. If he’s really interested he’ll be willing to do whatever he can to see you, which includes abiding by the guidelines you set.

If you really want to explore this but don’t feel you know him well enough, then have him stay at a hotel while he visits you. That way he’s not actually staying with you while he visits. You always have the option of inviting him to stay, but at least this doesn’t throw you into an uncomfortable position of having to move faster than you’re ready to. It’s also not a bad thing to proceed with a little caution since you don’t know him that well.

If for some reason you decide to visit him, we suggest the same thing. You should stay with a friend in that city, or at a hotel, just so you can have a little bit of separation for you to think, and remove yourself from the intensity that is part of any long distance relationship, and any “activities” he may be encouraging you to engage in.

But first and foremost start talking to him as much as possible. If he resists or doesn’t seem like he wants to put the time into really getting to know you, then he probably is looking for just a hook up.

Keep us posted. And good luck.

THE GUYS

Olivia and readers, please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Mixed Signals; is he just playing me?

Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Other questions on “Getting Played” 

Am I being played again? 

Different Cultures; is he more than a friend, less than a lover?

Did I get played by this girl? and The Party Guy

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

__________________________

Hi Guys,
I met this guy at the gym. I made the first move by introducing myself to him because we were having lots of eye contact. He was pretty respectful and nice. He added me on Facebook and was always talking to me and texting me. We went to the movies during the week.

The next night, he wanted to go to the pool and it was really fun. We went in the sauna with closed lights and we kissed and stayed there for three hours. After that I don’t know what happened. We started talking less and then I wasn’t sure if he was interested because we didn’t talk about it. We didn’t talk for around two weeks, and he only texted me occasionally.

Then, one of his friends started flirting with me and this guy got jealous and said his friend was a player. Then, one night, I just thought to myself that I should be straightforward with him just to be clear. So I called him to meet up. But he couldn’t. I told him I wanted to meet face to face. But he wanted to know then so I told him everything-how it was weird between us now, and kind of awkward. He said it was, but it’s because we didn’t know each other for very long. He didn’t say much more and I said we should talk more when I see him.

I felt so much better after this! At least, he knew what I thought and that I don’t play games. I then saw him again at the gym and we didn’t talk because I didn’t make the move to talk to him even though we looked at each other a bunch.

Did I make it clear that I was interested? And is he giving mixed signals? And should I just move on? Should I talk to him more at the gym? He is not making the move.

Thank youuu!!

Rose

Dear Rose,

Thanks for your question.

We’re not sure what’s up with all this partial hooking up leading to confusion, but it seems we’ve gotten a lot of questions like this recently.

We don’t think you got played, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to be in a relationship with you. He might, but he might not. You can only be played if there’s deception going on. And it doesn’t sound like there is because the two of you never discussed anything. So yes to mixed signals, but no to getting played.

But Rose, he should be the one pursuing you, especially now that the two of you have had a “moment.” If he’s not pursuing you then he’s probably not interested in you, or he’s not interested in a relationship; and for all intents and purposes the two are the same.

However, if you don’t want to feel any regret, put yourself out there and tell him how you feel, and what you want. But don’t do this at the gym. You need to meet with him some place where the two of you can be alone, or at least talk in private. If it’s really difficult to get him to do this, then that will tell you all you need to know.

And remember, if you’re wondering, should I or could I have done more before I moved on, then you probably could have. Talk to him and keep us posted.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

 

Is he playing me?

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Other questions on “Getting Played” 

Am I being played again? 

Different Cultures; is he more than a friend, less than a lover?

Did I get played by this girl? and The Party Guy

______________________________

Dear Guys,

So there’s this guy that I really like. I met him through friends and we always party together. We did have a couple drunken hookups – except I’m not sure if he was REALLY drunk or not. We have been talking for a couple months online and hanging out once in a while in a group of friends. The thing is, he told me straight up he doesn’t want a relationship and wants to date around because he had recently broke up with his ex girlfriend of 5 years and is still hurting and not over her. I respected his decision and gave him his space. I also took it as if he wasn’t very interested/into me at all.

The next week when we went out partying together in a group of friends, I see him kissing one of my friends. They were both drunk. When I saw that I became really confused and hurt. I decided it’s best if I avoided him because I really didn’t want to get hurt. Another thing was that my friend that made out with him told me not to get too close to him because he would end up hurting me. How ironic that she was the one kissing him in front of my face. At the club, my friend saw how hurt I was and went up to talk to him and she told me that he said he thought I was really cute and sexy, but he had already told me he wanted to date around and that our personalities aren’t compatible. And I realized it’s kind of true, our personalities don’t click very well.

Anyways, I kept my distance for a bit, but we would still end up talking for a bit. The next time we got drunk together, he tried to kiss me and get all over me again. I wouldn’t let him and I kinda told him off saying that we’re just friends and how I saw him kissing my friend. He said that she kissed him first. It just made me really upset. So I made it clear that we were just friends.

We would still talk once in a while and even stopped talking for a while. It really bothered me because he knows that I like him, but at the same time I know he can’t give me what I want and I should just get over him.

We hung out in our group of friends for a weekend. It was just me and him and his group of friends. His group of friends like me and consider me one of them – the guys. They always tease me, make fun of me and mess with me. He is the only one who never talks to me or makes an effort to and the only one in his group of friends that doesn’t tease me, mess around with me – for example pull my hair, snap my bra straps, pinch me, pick me up and throw me .. etc. The boys all like to play with me. I noticed I have no problems striking conversation with any of the guys. It’s only him I can’t have a decent conversation with. When we hang out in a group, he’s the only one that doesn’t pay any attention to me.

It’s so weird because he won’t talk to me anymore when we hang out, but when I get too drunk he is the one that takes care of me or makes sure I’m okay. When I’m passed out he will tell me to stand up, he will get me water, rub my back, drive me to his friends to crash, sleep with me – cuddle me to sleep. This time around we were about to sleep and he started touching me and kissing me. Then we started to make out and pretty much was about to hook up, but I stopped him because I was on my period. So we did everything but sex.

The next day he acted so awkward. He wouldn’t really talk to me, strike up conversations with me or really talk to me when I started conversations with him. He acted so cold/distant and uninterested. I really don’t understand. It almost makes me feel like he really dislikes me. It is even more weird because we usually hook up because we’re ‘drunk,’ but he told his friend that he was already sobered up by the time we crashed at his friends house. We went to go eat with our friends the next morning, who are a couple and he can talk to other girls no problem. But with me, nothing. Nothing to say, nothing to talk about. I think he felt really awkward and I tried my best to break the ice, but it didn’t work.

What in the world is he thinking? Does he really dislike me that much and just wanted to use me for sex?

It really makes no sense.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for writing to us.

This guy does not dislike you. He wouldn’t be trying to have sex with you if he disliked you. But unfortunately he’s also not interested in anything more than a drunken hook up.

First of all the drunken hook ups should stop for your sake. Nothing good comes of too much alcohol, and in your case all you’re doing is compromising yourself to be with some guy who isn’t giving you anything but an occasional good time, accompanied by an awkward aftermath and confusing feelings all around. That doesn’t sound worth it to us.

This guy isn’t ready for any type of relationship. He’s pretty much told you that. And if he’s kissing your “friend” in front of you, that should pretty much tell you the story.

Sara, we know you like this guy, but what are you getting from this except for self-doubt and worry?

To answer your question, is he playing you? Inadvertently, yes. What he’s doing is giving you major mixed signals, at least from your standpoint. From ours, he’s doing what many guys do. They say one thing and do another. And when it comes to sex that is very common. It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to mess with you specifically; it sounds like this is his M.O. in general.

Here is something for you to understand, and for all the women reading this to think about. If a guy has sex with you it doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than you were available and willing to have sex with him. It could mean that he’s in love with you, but it can also mean he was just horny. In your case, it sounds like the latter. Sorry.

Sara, if you’re getting so drunk that you’re have trouble standing or are passing out, you’re probably going to be making bad decisions when it comes to guys, and hooking up. Maybe you need to take a look at what you’re doing that’s contributing to your confusion. And take a look at the people you’re hanging out with. We’re not saying you should stop hanging out with them, but maybe you have some other friends that are doing different types of things that don’t always involve lots of alcohol.

Good luck. Respect yourself. You’re worth it.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

TGP Episode 15: Getting Played, The Truth, India

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Contest: We reveal the name of the winner!

Vignettes: A few humorous stories from a recent road trip.

The Truth: The anti-social network. Cucch spins a few yarns. Does he finally trip up Sai?

Father Stories: Journey to India.

Ask the Guys: Boyfriend Daddy, Long term feelings, Confused

THE MEAT: Getting Played

Next Episode: It’s all things creepy. Please share your creepy stories, or anything you find to be creepy. Or share your favorite Halloween stories, or anything about Halloween that you love or hate.

Call us at: 347-855-GUYS or leave us a note on our website, at The Guy’s Perspective dot com.

[display_podcast]

Am I being played?- Part 2: A short manual

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.

We get tons of questions about “getting played.” We’re going to keep this short and sweet and address them all at once. If you think you’re getting played, and your friends think you’re getting played, it’s likely you are getting played.

You’ve heard the expression, “Things aren’t what they seem.” Well that is true in many cases. But in relationships, things are sometimes just as they seem.

Here are some obvious red flags to consider.

1. Doesn’t return phone call.

2. Returns phone call a week later.

3. Only texts or calls when (he/she) wants to come over and, um…”Hang Out.” Translate: Have sex.

4. Blows you off, then starts dating someone else, only to come running back to you, after they break up.

5. Ignores you when you’re with a group of people, but then totally changes when you’re alone.

We’re just getting the list started. Please add your own here and help a friend, or even someone that you don’t know.

THE GUYS