The Guy’s Perspective

Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Other questions on “Getting Played” 

Am I being played again? 

Different Cultures; is he more than a friend, less than a lover?

Did I get played by this girl? and The Party Guy

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Dear Guys,

So there’s this guy that I really like. I met him through friends and we always party together. We did have a couple drunken hookups – except I’m not sure if he was REALLY drunk or not. We have been talking for a couple months online and hanging out once in a while in a group of friends. The thing is, he told me straight up he doesn’t want a relationship and wants to date around because he had recently broke up with his ex girlfriend of 5 years and is still hurting and not over her. I respected his decision and gave him his space. I also took it as if he wasn’t very interested/into me at all.

The next week when we went out partying together in a group of friends, I see him kissing one of my friends. They were both drunk. When I saw that I became really confused and hurt. I decided it’s best if I avoided him because I really didn’t want to get hurt. Another thing was that my friend that made out with him told me not to get too close to him because he would end up hurting me. How ironic that she was the one kissing him in front of my face. At the club, my friend saw how hurt I was and went up to talk to him and she told me that he said he thought I was really cute and sexy, but he had already told me he wanted to date around and that our personalities aren’t compatible. And I realized it’s kind of true, our personalities don’t click very well.

Anyways, I kept my distance for a bit, but we would still end up talking for a bit. The next time we got drunk together, he tried to kiss me and get all over me again. I wouldn’t let him and I kinda told him off saying that we’re just friends and how I saw him kissing my friend. He said that she kissed him first. It just made me really upset. So I made it clear that we were just friends.

We would still talk once in a while and even stopped talking for a while. It really bothered me because he knows that I like him, but at the same time I know he can’t give me what I want and I should just get over him.

We hung out in our group of friends for a weekend. It was just me and him and his group of friends. His group of friends like me and consider me one of them – the guys. They always tease me, make fun of me and mess with me. He is the only one who never talks to me or makes an effort to and the only one in his group of friends that doesn’t tease me, mess around with me – for example pull my hair, snap my bra straps, pinch me, pick me up and throw me .. etc. The boys all like to play with me. I noticed I have no problems striking conversation with any of the guys. It’s only him I can’t have a decent conversation with. When we hang out in a group, he’s the only one that doesn’t pay any attention to me.

It’s so weird because he won’t talk to me anymore when we hang out, but when I get too drunk he is the one that takes care of me or makes sure I’m okay. When I’m passed out he will tell me to stand up, he will get me water, rub my back, drive me to his friends to crash, sleep with me – cuddle me to sleep. This time around we were about to sleep and he started touching me and kissing me. Then we started to make out and pretty much was about to hook up, but I stopped him because I was on my period. So we did everything but sex.

The next day he acted so awkward. He wouldn’t really talk to me, strike up conversations with me or really talk to me when I started conversations with him. He acted so cold/distant and uninterested. I really don’t understand. It almost makes me feel like he really dislikes me. It is even more weird because we usually hook up because we’re ‘drunk,’ but he told his friend that he was already sobered up by the time we crashed at his friends house. We went to go eat with our friends the next morning, who are a couple and he can talk to other girls no problem. But with me, nothing. Nothing to say, nothing to talk about. I think he felt really awkward and I tried my best to break the ice, but it didn’t work.

What in the world is he thinking? Does he really dislike me that much and just wanted to use me for sex?

It really makes no sense.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for writing to us.

This guy does not dislike you. He wouldn’t be trying to have sex with you if he disliked you. But unfortunately he’s also not interested in anything more than a drunken hook up.

First of all the drunken hook ups should stop for your sake. Nothing good comes of too much alcohol, and in your case all you’re doing is compromising yourself to be with some guy who isn’t giving you anything but an occasional good time, accompanied by an awkward aftermath and confusing feelings all around. That doesn’t sound worth it to us.

This guy isn’t ready for any type of relationship. He’s pretty much told you that. And if he’s kissing your “friend” in front of you, that should pretty much tell you the story.

Sara, we know you like this guy, but what are you getting from this except for self-doubt and worry?

To answer your question, is he playing you? Inadvertently, yes. What he’s doing is giving you major mixed signals, at least from your standpoint. From ours, he’s doing what many guys do. They say one thing and do another. And when it comes to sex that is very common. It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to mess with you specifically; it sounds like this is his M.O. in general.

Here is something for you to understand, and for all the women reading this to think about. If a guy has sex with you it doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than you were available and willing to have sex with him. It could mean that he’s in love with you, but it can also mean he was just horny. In your case, it sounds like the latter. Sorry.

Sara, if you’re getting so drunk that you’re have trouble standing or are passing out, you’re probably going to be making bad decisions when it comes to guys, and hooking up. Maybe you need to take a look at what you’re doing that’s contributing to your confusion. And take a look at the people you’re hanging out with. We’re not saying you should stop hanging out with them, but maybe you have some other friends that are doing different types of things that don’t always involve lots of alcohol.

Good luck. Respect yourself. You’re worth it.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

A recent question came in from a high school girl wondering what constituted being creepy. She was worried that her shyness around some guy she liked might be perceived as creepy. Well we can set the record straight. That’s far from creepy. Typically teenage girls don’t fall into the creepy category.  They certainly don’t make our list. Her situation sounds more like a young person trying to figure out how to navigate the rough social waters of high school.

Okay we’ll give her that……the whole high school experience can feel kind of creepy in general.

So what or whom would be considered creepy?

Hmm………………..

Well, let’s see what Webster says first.., (flip pages….ahh here it is.)

1) Having or causing a feeling of fear or disgust.

Well that’s pretty basic, and pretty telling. We would say that teenage girls don’t fall into the fear or disgust category.

So what does?

Spiders, insects, the usual ensemble of bugs, and crawly things. In terms of bugs, we define creepy as anything we wouldn’t particularly like crawling on our skin. The list is too long.

So what else is creepy?

Clowns are often creepy as hell. And old men. And even worse, an old man dressed up in a clown costume, performing at a kid’s birthday party. That scenario gives us the shivers.

And what about Glen Close in that creepy movie. What was that called? Oh yeah, “Fatal Attraction.” Now she was creepy!

A lingering stare is kind of creepy, or being too helpful when it’s not asked for is definitely creepy.

Or how about just appearing out of nowhere? Imagine wherever you go, this same person just shows up when you turn around. Yikes, that gives us the willies.

Creepy is somewhere between uncomfortable and stalking. It’s more like “uneasy” or “unsettled.” It’s a sixth sense that says, something is not the way it should be. And this feeling is universal. Everyone knows what creepy is, it’s just different for each person.

Please leave us your list of one t0 five things, creatures, places, or people that creep you out. We’re going to make a universal list and share it on an upcoming podcast.

And for our young teenage friend we can just say, take off that hooded cloak and those skinny black jeans, and step out of the shadows and say something! We’re trying our best to keep you off our list!

THE GUYS

Written by Sai: Aka, “One of the Guys”

When my kids are sick I never quite feel right. It’s as if I have a furry woodland creature gnawing away at my stomach lining, trying to claw it’s way in. Somehow I’m able to function with this creature inside of me, but it throws off my equilibrium and my balance. And I get occasional stabs of pain.

My daughter’s been sick the last four days. She’s got a fever. She’s tired, listless, and unhappy. So my wife and I set her up on the couch in our room, so she can sleep, watch TV, and be with us at night. We like to be able to keep an eye on her.

But since we still have to attend to our other responsibilities-like her brothers-we gave her a small bell to ring when she needs us. This same bell we’ve also given to her brothers when they’ve been sick, and it seemed to work well. The boys would use it only when they needed something serious-like they were getting cold, or they were hungry, or lonely. My daughter, well that’s another story.

It all started off innocently enough. She’d ring it for some of the same reasons as the boys. But then she realized the power of the bell, and that’s when things got out of control.

“Daddy, my blanket fell on the floor.” (The couch is six inches above the floor)

“Daddy can you change the channel.” (She’s holding the remote and knows how to use it.)

“Mommy, can you bring me the computer?” (It’s on the bed next to the couch. She’s feeling better and totally capable of walking over to bed.)

“Daddy, what’s your favorite color?”

“Mommy, I want a dog.”

And it went on and on. Every time we’d sit and relax, or get started on a project that damn bell would ring. In fact my wife and I started hearing that bell, even when she wasn’t ringing it.

“Was that the bell?” my wife would say to me.

“No I think it was one of the boys blowing his nose.”

__________________

“I think I hear the bell,” I would say.

“Nope, that’s the dish washer,” my wife would retort.

___________________

And so it went.

And I got to wondering. My boys have had the same bell in their possession, but they’ve only used it when it was absolutely necessary. Actually, we had to push them to use it, otherwise they would have sat in bed and suffered. My boys actually felt threatened by that damn bell.

But not my daughter. Oh no. My daughter felt empowered by the bell. .

So I’ve been pondering what this all means, and how it might relate to the innate qualities of men and women.

Are we truly all hardwired from birth to take on the qualities of gender, passed on by generations before us?

Or is this an isolated incident, unique to my family and my kids?

My boys are like tiny men; you know the kind-they refuse to ask for directions when they’re lost. And my daughter is completely comfortable with the power bestowed on her, wielding it at every opportunity. It’s a funny thought to me, but one that might have some merit to it.

Either way, I’d like to take that bell and send it where it belongs-to the depth of Hades. But I am glad she’s starting to feel better. And she’s hard to say no to.

Gotta run. I hear that freakin’ bell now. Am I’m not kidding!!!!
“I’m coming honey!!”

What do you think?

Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

I discovered texting two years ago. I love it! Of course this irritates my wife to no end. She says, “Why do we have to text three times back and forth when we can just talk on the phone?” She has a good point. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her, it’s just texting doesn’t take me out of my frame of mind; whether I’m at work, or in a meeting, or hanging out with the guys, talking on the phone requires me to shift gears, and these days, I prefer an automatic.

I think most people these days prefer to glide effortlessly through social situations, eschewing the joy and challenge of a clutch and a stick. We like  having the work  done for us. And boy have we all gotten lazy.

THE GUYS and I have gotten countless questions recently about troubles that have occurred on Facebook, My Space, and other social networking sites. We’re horrified that relationships are being conducted through the internet in front of a gawking crowd. No wonder the fall is so hard. Rejection is bad enough, but when there’s an angry mob watching it’s ever so painful. Because social networking sites bring to mind ancient Roman times filled with gladiators fighting all sorts of beasts and men, at insurmountable odds, under the considerable duress of a fickle crowd, that turns as easily as baking bread.

Let’s consider email, which surfaced some ten or more years ago. Like most people I took to it like a fly on fruity paper. What a time saver! And so easy! And keeping in touch with people was now easier than ever. Slowly the number of my phone messages dwindled as my inbox grew and grew. What fun!

But a strange thing began to happen. I started having more and more miscommunications via email. Arguments, disagreements, worries about job inquiries, even friendships lost! Many of these situations arose because tone, inflection, emphasis, sarcasm, humor are all lost when the written word isn’t carefully laid on the screen; instead emails are often dry, monotone messages that are ripe for misinterpretation.

And oh how easy it was, and is, for me to rifle off a quick response without taking a moment to just sit and try to figure out what I truly want to say-or try to think what the person is truly trying to say. And this is the bunny that keeps on ticking because I keep making the same mistake over and over. Some things take a lifetime to unlearn.

I have a lot of Facebook friends from many different generations. I love having friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and with various degrees of life experience. But I’m amazed at some of the pictures and words that are being flung out in the world. I mean “Really!?? Is fame, or the scant idea of fame-or just recognition-that important?” When I see these notes and images I don’t comment, but I want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these people and say, “Repeat after me. It’s not worth it! It’s not worth it.”

Sure, we all do stupid things. I’m no different. I’ve done countless things that I wish I could reel in and tuck away in my own little-but getting bigger- private fishing tackle box; one that might be buried or burned with me when I no longer need this body. But I’m hoping I’m making some progress as my years tick away on this planet.

Relationships aren’t automatic. They are difficult mazes that require commitment every day in order to thrive and grow. They need to be watered, fed and nurtured by everyone involved; and a little love and naughty fun thrown in for good measure doesn’t hurt.

Facebook, My Space and other social sites can’t provide that kind of sustenance. They create a mirage of a full course meal that people crave, but only deliver an empty appetizer devoid of nutritional value. No wonder Corn Syrup has made such an inroad into our staple diet. We don’t even recognize the enemy when they’re knocking on our door, because we love easy. We love things gift-wrapped. We love automatics!

It’s time we all shift gears and get off the computer. You laugh because you know I’m typing this on my keyboard. But life is ironic, and people are hypocritical, but you can’t tell that by what you’re reading here. You don’t really know how serious I am-I’m very serious-and that I truly mean all the things I’m writing even if I’m using the very medium I’m criticizing. I never said the computer was evil, just that it isn’t going to help us conduct our relationships and help us foster new ones.

Computers can make life much easier, but when it comes to relationships it makes things much harder. It’s creating more work and more ambiguity in our lives, and then requiring more energy from us to deal with the problems and sort them out. It’s a lot easier to just take care of business with someone over dinner, lunch or tea. And there’s nothing like hearing something straight from the horse’s mouth.

One thing I try to remind myself of as I’m sitting across the dinner table from my wife, or a friend, or one of my kids, is that they should feel like the only person in my universe at that very moment. When I feel the vibration of a text coming in-yes for some reason I still have my phone on me, which is another problem for another time- I have to resist the urge to respond. The message will be waiting for me when I am finished with a pleasant dinner, hopefully devoid of sugary syrup, but definitely topped off with some dark chocolate.

And that’s the beauty of technology.

What do you use social networks for?
How do you like to communicate?
Should relationships be conducted via social networks?

Check out podcast #8! On this site, and on itunes. Subscribe!

Dear Guys,

Not to be vain, but I’m a pretty girl…not big on the whole pound of make-up and constantly picture perfect thing, but it seems like every guy I’m interested in always says the same thing first…they like my style, or they like my personality…
I always thought that if a guy says that he’s not genuinely interested, just attracted enough to screw…any way, my question is, what does it mean when a guy right off the bat says “I really like your personality…”

Craigory

Dear Craigory,

Thanks for your question.

This statement, “I like your personality,” is not the kiss of death that women think it is. Context is everything here. Most guys aren’t going to come right out and tell you you’re beautiful, or that they want to get you in bed, so they might say, “I really like your personality.” That’s a safe way to approach you. It’s all part of the game.

It is possible they actually do like your style. Maybe you have a certain flair that’s undeniable, and one that guys notice right away. That’s a good thing! Wouldn’t you prefer they liked you for a combination of traits rather than just your looks? So be happy that you have much to offer.

However, when guys talk to their buddies it’s a whole different story. Every stereotype you’ve ever heard about guys is true in this case. We want to know about looks first. Is she hot? Is she cute? How’s her body? We want specifics. It’s just a curiosity thing. That doesn’t mean we don’t care about other qualities in women, it’s just that our prehistoric roots enter the equation when we talk amongst ourselves.

Finally, the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Don’t change, or act differently just to get a guy to like you. Celebrate your uniqueness, pursue the things that make you happy. Your happiness and zest for life will shine through. And truly those are the most attractive qualities anyone can have.

All the best.

THE GUYS

Hi Guys,
I have a dilemma which I’m hoping you can help me with.
I am an outgoing, outwardly confident girl. I enjoy meeting new people, and I make friends with both guys and girls very easily. However, I have no success when it comes to dating and love. When I examine my relationship history I am forced to conclude that guys see me only as a friend, or perhaps as a potential friend-with-benefits-not that I go for those types of arrangements. Although several males have made sexual advances towards me-so it can’t be my looks that are the problem, right? I’m in good shape and reasonably attractive- they just don’t seem to see me as having girlfriend potential.  I have met lots of guys that I find attractive, but there seem to be only two outcomes. Either they become a good friend but seem oblivious to my flirting-some of my male friends end up asking me for advice on how to approach other females they are interested in, for goodness sake!-or they respond to my advances, we have a brief fling, but it never develops into a serious relationship because the guy ends it. I am 99% sure this is not a sexual chemistry problem-never received any negative feedback, anyway! Every single time a guy breaks up with me, he has wanted to remain friends, in fact most have strongly stressed that point, and most of my exes remain buddies with me.  This leaves me with two possible conclusions. Either I am attracted to the wrong sorts of guys, i.e. emotionally-unavailable men, or there is something about me that means guys just do not see me as a long-term prospect.
My question is, what qualities does a girl have to be seen as girlfriend potential? Are there certain behaviors or personality traits that might make a girl seem like a great friend, but eliminate her as a dating prospect? Any advice?
Thanks,

Jess

Dear Jess,

Thanks for writing. Your dilemma is not that uncommon. And at least one of your suspicions is correct. (It does sound like you’re attracted to the wrong sorts of guys.) But there’s more to it than that. Let’s start with our shallow answer.

If a guy finds you attractive, hot, sexy, or any other superlative, you automatically have potential as a girlfriend. Potential is the key word here. If potential doesn’t morph into a more certain standing you’ll end up either being a short term, or long term booty call. That’s not typically what most women are hoping for. Sure physical chemistry can be a great part of a relationship, but it’s really only one piece in a larger equation of trust, respect and love.

What really struck us about your question, was how willing and available you seem to be for these guys. This might be part of what’s going on for you. Just like nice guys can be cursed, so can nice girls. You sound like a very nice girl, and guys can sniff these girls out from a mile away. They are an invaluable resource as you’ve realized, because most guys have no clue about women. (They need advice from a woman and you’re giving it to them. That needs to stop.)

It sounds like you feel reasonably comfortable with your looks, and your ability to converse, so maybe it’s the way you carry yourself that’s causing the problem. This doesn’t mean you lack confidence, but it sounds like you’re making it too easy for the men you meet. Guys like somewhat of a challenge, and making yourself too available, at least at first, is going to keep heading you into familiar territory. And how many new guy friends do you really need??!! Let the guy do the pursuing! Let him make the advances!

We don’t believe in game playing, but a little mystery is okay. We also think you might want to hold back your eagerness to connect emotionally, until the man you’ve just met proves himself to be a worthy constituent. That means evaluate each person, and if they really have boyfriend potential, then proceed slowly. If they don’t, have a good time and move on. And definitely don’t go out of your way to prove you’re a cool girl. The right guy will know you are.

But let’s get back to our initial point. Yes, you are going after the wrong guys. This is easy for us to say, but difficult for you to change. However, start becoming more aware of your patterns. Become more aware of red flags, or other signs that tell you the same old thing is happening again.

Be positive Jess. Just by being out in the world, eventually you’ll meet the right guy for you. But it’s your job to recognize when it happens. Think about all these trials as good practice. All of these dead ends are getting you more prepared for when you finally do meet a great guy. It will happen!

Best of luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

So I’m 18 and so is this guy. I work with him and he asked for my number. We’ve been texting/talking for about 5 days now. He always asks sexual joking questions and always texts me 1st. I was thinking he was a player but he’ll also talk to me about personal stuff.  And when I did tell him to go talk to an airhead (blank) girl instead, he was like nahhh. So I don’t get him. What does he want? Please and thank you!

Blake

Dear Blake,

Thanks for writing.

What does he want? He wants you. It’s pretty clear.

We realize this young man is 18, but that still doesn’t excuse his behavior. Since when can’t a guy pick up the phone and actually call- NOT text-and be direct??!!

“Hey Blake. Would you like to go out to dinner?”

or

“Hey Blake. I’d like to take you out.”

Guys have fallen into this bad habit of going for a sure thing. They nibble and they prod, hoping to get the answer they need before they take the plunge. Guys of all ages do this.  But there is no such thing as a sure thing. Life is risky, and this guy needs to step up to the plate and take a real swing.

So to answer your question, yes he likes you, but if he continues this game playing, because it surely is just that, do you really want to deal?

Good luck. And keep us posted.

THE GUYS

If you have a question for THE GUYS drop us a line. We’ll do our best to give you our opinion, either on our blog or our podcast, or both!

Go to the Ask the Guys page.

Dear Guys,

I like a guy who is 16, the same age as me. He’s always looking at me. And all my friends tell me that they are good looks. But whenever he is with his friends, he won’t look at me as much, but he sometimes will sort of sneak some looks when his friends aren’t paying much attention to him.

We haven’t really talked before but he does know my name. My friends have noticed and they don’t understand either. Whenever he looks at me I quickly look away.

He is also really popular, and I’m not really that popular. I’m also not in any of his classes. Also my friends say that he is an asshole, but they don’t know him very well.

I’m so confused, this has been going on since the start of this year and I know that he is single and looking for a girlfriend.

Is he worried what his friends would think of me or something?
Does he like me or not? What do I do?

Sammy

Dear Sammy,

Thanks for your question. This is the kind of scenario that plays out at high schools all across the country. In fact this dance doesn’t really stop there. It continues on throughout adult life.

First of all, if what you say is true, and he’s constantly looking at you, it’s very likely he likes you or finds you attractive. So that’s the good news.

It’s also likely, if the two of you run in different social circles, he’s not sure how to approach you. High school is about appearances. (Actually much of life is about appearances, but we digress.) He certainly doesn’t want to risk being shot down by you, or teased by his friends if he is rejected, because there’s nothing worse to a high school guy than being embarrassed.

So we guess the question is, how do you let him know you’re interested? Or do you?

If you were older, we might suggest you just tell him. The less game playing the better. But for you that might not be the best idea.

Is it possible to enlist some of your friends to help? This seems to be the way things work in high school. A note is passed. A friend mentions to him that you might be interested. (Might being the optimal word here.) This way everyone saves face if it doesn’t work out.

Of course you could always go against the grain and just smile and say hi to him. Or you could try to strike up a conversation with him in the hall or in the cafeteria. Or if he plays sports, go watch him play. Make it obvious you’re there to see him.

Teenage boys are just learning how to approach girls. They might talk a good game, or act like they’re studly, but they’re scared and not as confident as they project. And they certainly like a sure thing. Meaning, they want to know the girl they ask out is going to say yes, 100%. Doubting that even a little is enough for them to hang back and not go for it. Now that we think about it, it’s not much different from a man asking a woman to marry him. Usually, he’s pretty much sure the answer will be yes.

So you have to decide how you want to approach this. But it’s likely that if you really want to find out what’s going on, you’ll have to be the one to take the risk. Someone has to! It doesn’t sound like he’s going to.

We hope this helps you Sammy. Good luck.

THE GUYS