Learning not to be insecure

Dear Guys,

Five months ago a man I work with asked me out. I was stunned. I even asked if he was feeling okay as we have rarely spoken to each other.  (I’m witty.) But after he assured me he wasn’t sick, and that he’s an RN and he should know, I said yes.

He told me he’d asked around about me beforehand…research LOL.  I also had heard that he had gotten separated some months before.  I went out with an open mind & no real expectations. That was 5 months ago. There have been ups & downs. (His withdrawing & my insecurity about it.) I don’t want to be the rebound girl. He spoke openly about what he’s going through and I’m so thankful he did. ( The pending divorce in a few months,  his recent birthday ..he’s almost 50. Plus he has other stressors.) I’m divorced so I definitely get the things he’s feeling. BUT. Here is where my insecurity lies: when he doesn’t text or call much, or see me much, I feel like I’m in this alone.

He said he loved me the first a couple of months into dating. Scared me to death because I was afraid he didn’t know what he was feeling. I went with it. Trusted. I hope that we will make it through to the other side.

I gave him an out because I want happiness for us both. He said he didn’t want out and he’d try to meet me half way about a little more contact. I don’t nag and I have let him set the pace from the beginning. I just needed him to understand that I didn’t want to feel alone. That my insecurity came from feeling that way.

So..what advice can you give us ladies who care & love the divorcing, aging, introverted man?

Tot

Dear Tot,

Thanks for your question.

It seems that you’re handling yourself quite well. A little humor, some honest communication about your needs. We wish some of the young people who are just starting out in the dating world handled themselves as well as you.

So why were you stunned when he asked you out? Was this a commentary on him, or you?

Tot, you know as well as we do that confidence is sexy. A guy who carries himself with confidence is always attractive, even if they don’t posses other qualities that society deems attractive. The same holds true for women. If you tell a guy you’re feeling insecure, his first instinct will be to pull away. The more independent you are—even if you’re feeling lonely—the more he’ll want you. (Yes, things don’t change as guys get older.)

This guy wants someone who’s in a similar station as him. He’s busy. He probably has kids to see, a demanding job, friends. And now that he’s getting divorced he wants to do all the things he felt he couldn’t do while married. This likely means resuming hobbies, hanging with friends, and focusing more on work. Yes, he may also want you in his life, but not to the point where he’s going to want to give up all of these other things to have a relationship with you.

So it’s up to you to blend into his life. We’re not saying, you need to change who you are, or your life, to fit his life; we’re saying he wants you to have a similar life as his, so he doesn’t feel guilty when he’s off doing things. He wants to know you’re happily involved with your own life—family, activities and friends—while he’s busy living his. Otherwise he’s going to cut ties, especially since, as a newly divorced guy—well, almost divorced—the last thing he wants is to be tied down in a serious relationship.

That said, we do feel he’s interested in you. Hopefully he’ll follow through on his promise to compromise a bit about more communication. And we agree with you. A short call, or a few texts daily wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But once again, it has less to do with the time commitment of those requirements, and more to do with the idea behind them. Basically, he doesn’t want to do anything he doesn’t want to do. Sounds selfish doesn’t it? It is. But that’s where he’s at right now. That’s where all guys are when they get separated and/or divorced. That may change after a time, but right now you need to be patient and understanding if you want to be involved with this man.

Does this make sense? Is this relationship still something you want to pursue? Let us know if you have any other questions. And leave us a comment below in the comments’ section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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What can I do to encourage guys to ask me out?

Dear Guys,

What can I do to encourage guys to ask me out?

Ok, so I have this friend. We have about the same kind of personalities, but it seems that wherever we go: to parties or even in class, guys just naturally want to hang out with her. And they approach her first to ask her out. It’s not the same for me. I feel like I can be a little shy, but not too much, and I’m not afraid to start a conversation with a guy. So why is it that guys don’t just naturally want to ask me out or be around me? I really don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I don’t really feel like it’s an issue of looks.

So I guess in general, I’m just wondering what can I do to subtly encourage guys to ask me out? I also don’t want to come across as a really ditsy, flirty girl. Just subtle things that would encourage a guy to feel more comfortable around me, like my friend has somehow mastered.

Please help? Thanks!

Lizzie

Dear Lizzie,

Thanks for your question.

Of course the first thing that came to mind is, this could be an issue with looks—yes, guys are that superficial, at least at first— but you say it’s not, so we’ll focus on other things. (We don’t know what you both look like, but if you’re a certain age—on the younger side—and she possesses certain, um, “assets” that could be a draw for guys, especially the younger variety.) Just a thought.

But let’s move on. First of all it’s best not to compare yourself to your friend. (Sorry if we did already.) Just because guys are hitting on her and not you when you’re together doesn’t mean this would happen everywhere you went. It’s just those particular guys want what she’s got. So you need to separate the two issues: 1.You compared with her. and 2. Guys not asking you out. They are separate. And since it’s you asking, we’ll focus on you.

Here are reasons why guys don’t ask women out:

1. They’re not attracted enough to them.

2. They’re intimidated.

3. Woman is out of their league. (Goes along with #2.)

4. Woman doesn’t seem interested. (Conversation is difficult, etc.)

5. Woman has nothing to say.

6. Woman is with a bunch of her friends. (Too difficult to approach.)

There are probably more but that pretty much covers it. So when you look at that list do you recognize anything in particular?

Here are some suggestions for you to try or think about:

1. A good place to start is to go out without your friend, almost as a test. See what happens. She might be unintentionally blocking you. It could be the dynamic the two of you have that creates a situation where you get left in the dust.

2. Be aware of your body language. Are you giving off some sort of signal that says, “Stay away” ? (Just be aware.)

3. Guys love to talk about themselves. (Everybody does in some way.) Make it easy for them. Ask lots of questions. Pretend you’re interested. (Hopefully you are.)

4. Be yourself. (This isn’t really a suggestion, but we still think it’s the best policy.)

Honestly, Lizzie, just be patient. We’re sure it’s only a matter of time before you meet some great guy. Let us know if you try any of these suggestions and how they work. Keep us posted please. And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. Leave us a note in the comments section below.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other related posts: 

Can a guy’s taste really change? 

Do looks matter? 

I’m short and I don’t feel beautiful

Strictly friends or more?

Dear Guys,

I am 54, and five years ago went on a blind date with a guy who is 64. We dated for eight months, without becoming romantically involved, as he said he did not want a serious relationship with anyone at the time. After eight months he realized I was in love with him, so he broke it off, and we remained friends. Since then he calls me every few weeks to see how I am, and we go out to dinner or cook for each other every couple of months.

I still love him, and we both casually date others. My question is, do you think this man really cares for me, and could his feelings deepen someday, or am I just a convenient social outlet? We used to go out with his friends, but after we broke up, it is just the two of us when we see each other. I have never met a man that I was so compatible with, or for whom I have had more respect.

Thanks for any insight into this long-term friendship…

Debra

Dear Debra,

Thanks for your question.

We wouldn’t say you’re just a convenient social outlet. It seems like this man really cares for you and values your friendship, which we think is nothing to scoff at. (Not that you’re doing that.)

However, if he had romantic intentions he would have made his move by now. Sure, feelings can deepen, but guys typically know right away whether or not they are interested in being more than friends with a woman. He’s had plenty of time, and you’ve given him plenty of opportunities, and told him how you feel, so we don’t see this blossoming into anything more.

That said, it sounds like you’ve met a good guy, and someone you enjoy spending time with. We’d say keep it going if it’s not too painful for you. Feel free to ask us a follow up question if you’d like. Leave your question or comment in the comments section below.

Enjoy and all the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Am I too “nice?”

Hey Guys,

I was just curious about the term “nice.” Is it possible that girls can be too “nice” to actually be approached, or too “nice” to date and have a relationship with? Are “nice” girls only marriage material and not girlfriend material?

I am 21 years old and will be a college senior this coming year. I was hoping that college would be a time for me to be more social, find friends, maybe even have a boyfriend. However, my time is coming up as I have only one year left, and needless to say I have never had a boyfriend, or even a guy friend. I am not quite sure why. I am not unattractive, I dress comfortably, I have a wide range of interests, I enjoy a good conversation, and I’ve traveled the world; yet I can be shy sometimes… okay most of the time… around guys.

Nothing has ever really worked out between me and a guy, not even close. For example I live in a house next to guys, and we didn’t really hang out with them. But sometimes we did, and it would be for hours, and we had a lot of fun. However, I sorta got close with one of them, hooked up with him, and then never heard from him again. And he was my neighbor.. And that was not the first time that I have only been used for physical purposes with guys who I thought were friends, and then they never spoke to me again.

There are two guys that I work with who are very friendly, and very good looking. We work at a restaurant, and I sometimes speak with them in passing while at work (as I work in the front, and they in the back), and I always smile and ask how they are doing, how their weekend was, etc. and always help out when I can if they need help. (If anybody needs help, not just the two guys)

I also sometimes bake things to bring in. Over the summer, things quiet down, and there are not many college kids left in town, so people typically get together to hang out. Yet, I have never been invited to hang out with anyone. I am not anti-social, and I enjoy a good party as much as the next person, yet why don’t I have any friends this summer? Guy 1 lives right down the street from me (though he has a girlfriend), why can’t we even become friends? We had many things in common when I first met him. Guy 2.. well I kinda like him but won’t allow myself to like him anymore than that because I know it will just leave me lonely because nothing will come of it. He had mentioned once a possible big group get together dinner, but it never happened. I ran into him at a bar a few months ago, and he bought me a drink for my birthday, and I told him I owed him a drink, and he said no.. I just don’t really understand. They are both very friendly (in conversation, and jokes) with the other girls that work at the restaurant, perhaps more so than with me, and from what I understand they even hang out sometimes.

Is there something wrong with me? Do I need to bake more things to bring in? I am not desperate, I have not been around the block, and I am just a genuine person who is shy sometimes. People have told me that I am too nice. What does that even mean? Am I not even worth it to a guy? Am I not girlfriend material?

Thank you for your help!

Meg

Dear Meg,

Thanks for your question, or should we say questions.

The term “nice” can mean many different things depending on the context. When people say you are being too nice they’re really saying you’re making it too easy for people. (Baking, helping them out, etc.) Sometimes people can even be perceive this type of nice as being desperate. (We’re not saying you are.)

If a guy says you are just “so nice” what he’s really saying is he is not physically attracted to you enough to think of you any other way but nice. In actuality, it has nothing to do with being nice or not, it has to do with what they think you don’t have—the features they want—not what you do have—being nice.

So our response? Don’t change who you are. If you are nice, stay nice. The right kinds of guys will appreciate that, you just haven’t met them yet. (And yes, you are definitely girlfriend material.) But having said that, also, please don’t go overboard. Don’t bake extra cakes, or muffins just to be extra nice. In fact, you might want to dial it back a little when it comes to being nice to guys.

You see, guys like a bit of a challenge, a chase. If you come on strong and starting doing things for them, they see you as a pushover, and someone they can take advantage of, but not keep around for the long haul. (Sounds like this is already happening a bit.) We would suggest waiting to start offering to “help” people until you’re actually dating someone, or in a relationship, not before.

Bottom line: You sound like a sweet person. Don’t change. Don’t let your frustrations make you bitter. You’re meeting the wrong guys right now. Or, you’re looking for the wrong type of guy. Think about what you enjoy, and look to meet people doing those sorts of things, not guys who just happen to live close to you. Also, see if your friends know some nice guys, maybe even your family. (Yes, your parents even. You might be surprised.)

We hope this helps clarify some things. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. (Leave in the comments section below.)

Thanks,

THE GUYS

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Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

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Dating two guys at once; I’m confused

Readers: Check out our “Relationship Memoirs”  page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s, “Rebecca, a memoir.” 

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Dear Guys,

I had never been confident with guys until about a couple of months ago when I got with three guys in one night. I then started to constantly get with guys in clubs.

I then met one guy who I got with and went a little further almost going “all the way” and then he started to text me a lot, and seemed really keen to meet up with me again. It got dragged out for personal reasons, but I finally met up with him and went on a “date.” It was a little awkward but we made conversation, kissed a bit, and there was a bit of holding hands and leg touching.

Once I was home he text to say thanks for a nice night and can’t wait to see you again. And I replied a similar message, then he didn’t text back at all. (Before he used to keep texting. Also I’d normally get a good morning text quite early and that hasn’t happened yet.)

Is this the start of him ignoring me?

After I was home, one of my friends (a guy) started to text me trying to get me to come out and see him. (He really likes me, and I used to like him a bit. Deep down I still have some feelings for him, he’s asked me to come over for sex, and I kinda want to but know I shouldn’t because I’ll end up hurting someone.

How do I politely postpone the invitation without giving the impression I don’t want to see him?

What should I do about the guy from the date? (I dont know how I feel about him, but he seems really nice and wanting to see me again?

Is it bad to want both? Or to want sex from one and to “date” the other?

I feel like a bit of a s*** but I’m so confused on what to do?

Help!

J

Dear J,

Thanks for your question.

There’s nothing wrong with being interested in two guys at once. You don’t say how old you are, but typically young people—even people in their 20s—take their time settling down. So it’s okay to date more the one person, get a taste of different personalities, and see what suits you the best. Of course, once you finally decide you like someone we recommend dating them exclusively. (As long as they feel the same way.)

However, we don’t recommend sleeping with a bunch of guys at the same time, or even more than one. Besides the obvious health risks, it’s not great for your own emotional well-being and self-respect. (Probably not great for the guys either unless they don’t care about anything but having sex with you. And in that case, that’s not going to make you feel great in the long run.)

J, you seem all over the place. Why don’t you just go with the flow? Date around. Enjoy yourself. Have fun. You’ll know when the time is right to date exclusively. You’ll feel it inside you because once you find that special someone you won’t even want to date anyone else. And when that happens you’ll know you’re ready to have an open, honest, and trusting relationship. Until then, have a good time. But be careful and safe out there.

Finally, please don’t mix alcohol into the mix. That’s going to blur your judgement even more.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

 

I’m hoping for a second date. Should I contact him again?

Readers: Check out our “Relationship Memoirs”  page and read the latest contribution from Charlotte Pescale “Rebecca, a memoir.”

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Hi Guys,

I have a first-date question… This is kind of similar to another question you just answered actually… but I still want your opinion lol. I met a guy really randomly a few weeks back— I was lost and asked him for directions, and we got to chatting briefly and we suggested going for coffee or drinks sometime and exchanged numbers. After that we texted pretty frequently. We did finally meet up last week —I think we were both a little drained. He was preparing for a conference that he was going away for this past weekend and I had a pretty busy day as well.

But the date went pretty well. (At least I think it did.) I was a bit nervous but I didn’t feel that “omg I need to get out of here” kind of feeling I’ve had on other dates! And I did notice subtle body language on his part that usually shows interest, like mimicking my own hand gestures, brushing my hand and that sort of thing. He was very attentive to what I was saying and I was attentive to what he was saying. But I was also nervous and when I’m nervous a part of me can err a little more to the stand-offish side rather than flirtatious.

At the end of the night (we hung out for at least three hours) he did walk me home but instead of trying to kiss me he gave me a friendly hug – but it was the one-arm hug! (The same hug we gave each other when we met up at the beginning of the night.) And when we said bye he said he’d let me know how his conference goes.

I was kind of confused because I thought the date went well and I didn’t pick up on any “he’s not interested” vibes so I was a little thrown off that he just said he’d let me know how it goes and not make even tentative plans for another date. I texted him the next day to say have a good weekend (conference was out of town) and he should’ve been back by tonight and I haven’t heard from him.

Usually if I don’t think a date went well I just walk away and say too bad, but he’s honestly the best guy I have met in a looooonng time and I’m reluctant to just walk away because I think I might have given off the “not-interested” vibes without meaning to. I figure he’s back in town now and I am not sure if I should text him asking him how it went? I don’t like initiating contact two times in a row but I’m wondering that if I did give off the wrong impression maybe that’s why he’s gone off the radar. But if I text him tomorrow or something asking him how it went would that just be really weird or would that maybe encourage him to at least talk to me again?? I can’t bring myself to totally walk away this time around but I also want to maintain some sort of dignity lol.

Thanks!

Michelle

Dear Michelle, 

Ahh the ambiguity of the “one arm hug.” How wonderful. (We’re being sarcastic)

So we see your dilemma. Kind of. You see Michelle, if he has any sort of self-confidence, your “not interested” vibe would not be enough to dissuade him from getting back in touch with you. It’s not like you were acting that way when you first met him. You were actually out on a date, which means he must surmise that you were—or are—interested in him enough to spend more time with him than you actually needed to.

So we still think you need to let him take the initiative here. If he doesn’t get in touch with you in a week or so, feel free to text him then. But if we were in this situation, and we met a girl like you who we really liked, we’d definitely be looking forward to seeing you again. And we’d be contacting you as soon as we felt we could, especially being emboldened by your follow up text.

Be patient on this one. You don’t need to let it die, but you also don’t need to breathe life into it. It’s either going to happen or it’s not. And if he can’t see what’s in front of him, well then that’s his problem. Wait and week and then go from there.

We’re hoping this works out for you.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Feel free to ask us a follow question. Say hi to your friends up there in Canada. And check out our new “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy the latest contributions from Charlotte Pescale. “Rebecca, a memoir”

Dating an older guy: Why is he afraid?

Readers: Please check out our new Relationship Memoirs  page to read some great guest writers. Thanks!

Hey Guys,

I’m 18 and I met this guy who is seven years older than me almost a year ago. We dated for about a month and it was going really well, until he decided we should stop because he thought we would make mistakes due to the age difference. However I insisted that we didn’t break all ties. I really liked him. We kept on seeing each other and sleeping together. But it’s not just about sex, we get along really well. It almost feels like a relationship.

But he hasn’t told any of his friends about us and seems ashamed. When I asked him why, he told me even though he enjoys spending time with me he feels like a thief; he feels guilty but he can’t explain why.

This is really frustrating, I feel loved and rejected at the same time. I don’t think I am someone that one could be ashamed of but my self-esteem is kind of hurt by this situation. Do you have an explanation for me, guys ? Why is he so afraid ? What could I do to reassure him ?

Stella

Dear Stella,

Thanks for your question. You should also check out our video on Dating an Older Guy.   (Also, you might be interested in reading some of our Relationship Memoirs. 

Your “boyfriend’s” actions show that at least he has a conscience. You see, he’s attracted to you, but feels like a thief because he understands on some level he’s stealing your youth. He knows he’s interfering with some of the experiences you should be having—experiences that he had when he was your age. Like dating guys your own age, and doing the things that 18 year olds do: college, dating, figuring out their career, going out on the town, traveling. He knows if you’re with him you’re going to miss out and he feels guilty about it.

There’s nothing wrong with dating an older guy Stella, and frankly seven years is not typically a big deal, but at your age it is. This guy is in a completely different place in life. He’s been operating in the adult world for the last four years and you’ve just completed high school. That’s not to say you’re not mature enough to handle it, and it’s not to say that these types of relationships never work, but the two of you are at very different places in your lives. And this is why he’s not introducing you to his friends and family. He’s not embarrassed of you, he’s embarrassed by his own actions. Basically he feels like he’s “robbing the cradle” and he believes all his friends will think the same thing. (He is.) And that’s why he’s keeping the relationship a secret and giving you mixed signals.

If he’s not going to change his behavior and treat you like a proper girlfriend we suggest you stop with the FWB arrangement and move on. Your self-esteem is only going to be affected more and more and that is not healthy for you. We also think you should pursue the things that 18 year olds pursue rather than date an older guy at this point in your life.

So stop fretting. Don’t feel badly about yourself. We’re sure you’re a great young woman that many a guy would be very proud to date. This situation is more about him than it is about you. Hope this helps.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question in the comments section below.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about dating older men: 

Sugar Daddy: Could he be serious about me?

Does my coach love me or am I being delusional?

Teacher/student: I thought he was into me but he never asked me out

 

 

Are guys all about looks? Help; what am I doing wrong?

Other questions about looks and physical beauty: 

Can a guy’s taste really change? 

Do looks matter? 

I’m short and I don’t feel beautiful

Hey Guys,

I’m a girl and I have this problem of attracting guys I don’t like, and losing the men I do like; and I really have know idea why. (I tend to go for the quiet, smart, and noble type like Alucard from Castlevania or Link from Legend of Zelda rather then the stereotypical bad boy).

I mean, I’m a bit quiet and reserved, and I’m tall and skinny like a model so I’m not very concerned with how I look. I hate makeup, I speak frankly, and I wear hoodies and cargo shorts because they’re convenient. I often talk and daydream about the world and philosophy, and I love video games. People keep telling me I’m a man’s dream come true, but if it was, I wouldn’t be having this problem. Am I too weird and boy-ish? Should I try wearing dresses, makeup, and frilly things like other girls even though I don’t like it? I like me the way I am, but I still have yet to get a good boyfriend and I’m 20.

I know girls have all these ‘handbooks on men’ but I think that’s just a bunch of crap. I want to hear it from a guy, but my guy friends got the wrong idea when I asked.

Lolly

Dear Lolly,

Thanks for your question.

Our answer: Keep being yourself. That’s the most attractive quality in a woman—or anyone for that matter.

It’s probably less your looks and more your attitude. Wearing hoodies, loose clothes, and other boyish attire might be telling the guys who you might want to meet that you’re not open to their advances. You see, most guys need to think they have some sort of chance with a woman. If they see a girl who either looks threatening, unavailable, or out of their league, they’re not going to even try. Guys might pretend they are full of confidence, but their egos are often fragile—especially younger guys. (Guys in their teens and early 20s)

So this is not about dresses and makeup it’s about making yourself seem more open. Is there a way you can do this without compromising who you are? You seem like  a smart person, so we have no doubt that you can figure this out.

Also, it’s possible you keep traveling in the same circles and meeting the same kinds of guys. Are you in college? Taking classes? Pursuing your interests in a broader way? This is the best way to meet some guys you might actually like. Common interest is a great place to start.

Finally, stop fretting. It will happen for you. You are young, and the guys you’re hanging with just don’t “see you” yet. Trust us, at some point you won’t know how to fend off all the advances. At which time you might need to enlist Alucard and Link to help you.

We hope this helps a little.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Teacher/Student Dating: I thought he was into me but he never asked me out

Check out some of our videos: 

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

And more……..

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Hi Guys!

I’ve been wondering for a long time why this guy never asked me out.

Here’s the story: I’m an English teacher in Buenos Aires, Argentina, and I used to deliver “in company classes.” Of course many of my students were men. At that time I was 26 and this guy in question was 32. He was my student for about 7 months and during all that time he kept flirting with me—or at least that’s what I thought.

Many a time I would just ignore him to see what his reaction was, and he really got angry, embarrassed. I don’t know…the thing is I think he was pissed off because of my indifference! Whenever I asked him to do an activity (speaking) he would go red and sweat like a pig! So, I gathered that he felt something for me. He repeatedly told me he was single and had no kids and that he was looking for a girlfriend.

I googled him and found that he had several accounts on different dating sites. His profile was always the same: LOOKING FOR a SERIOUS relationship with a WOMAN- NO KIDS.

SOOO!! I said to myself, “He’s gonna ask me out when the course is finished.” Guess what? On the last day of the course he didn’t show up. He didn’t even had the decency of finishing the course! He simply vanished.

AND it gets more interesting. Three months later—I had already included him in my MSN—he “connects” (he was always “absent”) and he writes “hello” and then disconnects again.

What do you think GUYS?? May I have misinterpreted the whole situation? Was he flirting with me? If he was why didn’t he ask me out? If he wasn’t into me at all…why did he even bother?

I would really appreciate an answer, please..

Thank you,

Laura (from Argentina)

Dear Laura, 

Thanks for your question.

It’s a tricky maneuver to try and date your teacher. Besides the obvious boundary issues between teacher and student—although in this case it’s not quite as taboo since you’re both adults—he probably didn’t think you would be receptive to dating him after you feigned indifference for so long.

See Laura, as the teacher, you held the power. All he could do was hint around and try to get a read on your interest. His original plan was to probably wait until the class was over and then ask you out. But sensing your indifference he probably said forget it. And then his ego kicked in. It’s hard enough to get rejected, but then to have to sit in class and listen to the very person who rejected you—even if it’s just in his mind— is even tougher to take. That’s the most likely explanation for why he skipped the last class and didn’t say goodbye.

Playing hard to get is a necessary tool for women to use in this complex, and sometimes scary, dating world. But each situation is different, and every guy is different. (Hopefully you won’t always feel the need to make the guy work so hard.) But in this case, we absolutely agree with you feigning indifference as the teacher of the class, especially since most of your students were men. (You shouldn’t have any regrets.) Many guys would have been strong enough to see the situation through. They would have been able to “read” your behavior better than this guy, and understand the game that was being played. This guy’s ego was a bit too fragile to handle a strong girl like you.

Please leave us a comment. Or ask us a follow up question. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And feel free to ask us another question anytime.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

For more info on this topic read:  Does my coach love me or am I being delusional? 

 

 

Divorced woman with kids dating a bachelor

Read more questions about dating as a single mother: 

Dating as a single mom

Will guys date single moms?

“Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”

__________________________

Dear Guys,

I met the most wonderful man (over 40 and a bachelor) last August. Prior to our relationship he had been in only one long term relationship (14 months), in which he was engaged for about 3 months before he abruptly ended it and blamed her for not being over her ex-husband. This relationship ended two years prior to our meeting.

Just three dates into our relationship he told me he didn’t feel he could proceed if I was not open to getting married. Having such a strong connection early on, I expressed that I would be open to marriage. In the following months, he has talked about getting engaged, living together, and getting married. To the extent that when he joined a country club recently he told me he was putting me down as his wife. I have met all of his friends, his parents, and his siblings. He does not hide me, and even talked about me and our future plans in his Christmas letter for his friends, family and clients. Although, five months is pretty fast, it has felt nothing more than natural.

Then, three weeks ago, I noted he was still friends with his ex-fiance on Facebook and I asked him to remove her. I had a cheating spouse and although I feel these are my trust issues, I trusted this man beyond the confines of Facebook. He said he would but then two weeks later she was still there and when approached he said he would not remove her as her family were his friends and clients and he did not want to ‘upset the apple cart’ for what he calls a non-issue. In the meantime, he gets upset with me and blames me for not trusting him, then in a turn tells me that my kids disrespect me too much—they are 13 & 17—and he can’t live in that type of household.  And does not feel he wants to enter into any kind of financial contract with me but he still wants us to move forward and not end our relationship.

Now, I am confused. In my many attempts to talk to him, I get put off, told we live too far away (45 min) from each other and he won’t be able to spend as much time with me anymore as his workload has been increasing. So, I am still confused, bewildered, and feel he is pushing me away. However, instead of wanting to talk about all of this, he tells me he loves me and cares for me deeply. But he tells me he is unsure of how to proceed. He then tells me he needs time to think about everything and that he is not in the same place in our relationship as I am and he doesn’t feel he is ready for marriage or co-habitation.  OH… HELLO… he has been the one all along who has been talking of this.

Yes, I am certainly ready to marry him, as up until now I could honestly say I had met the man of my dreams, my soul mate.  Sure, I felt we were ready to continue to move forward but now I am just confused. I am giving him the time and space for him to think about what he wants, told him to take his time to really make the best choice for him.

I am heart broken to say the least, after my divorce three years ago (married 17 years) I thought I would never open my heart up again to this magnitude. I feel lost and helpless.

Should I wait it out?  Does he just have cold feet?  Am I wrong to think that he has kept his ex his friend because he wants to keep a door open to a possible reconcilliation?  What am I missing?

Thanks in advance for your point of view!

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling heartbroken. Hopefully we can shed some light on your situation.

Meeting someone in your early twenties is so simple isn’t it? Typically, you meet, you fall in love, you get married, you buy a house, and you have kids. But beginning a relationship in your 40s is a whole different ballgame. Those extra twenty years are full of life experiences. Some people might call this baggage, but we feel that often has a negative connotation associated with it. We like to say people have just matured and seasoned a bit, as the two of you have.

And it’s that seasoning that has thrown this guy off. He’s finally opened his eyes and realized that if he wants to be with you he needs to accept and welcome the entire package, and that’s what he’s struggling with right now. But from our point of view, you seem like an easy person to be with. You’re open to dialogue, you want to understand your partner and you want to work through issues. Those are some of the important ingredients to having a successful marriage/partnership. If he doesn’t see that, or frankly, thinks he’s going to find a “perfect” situation where he doesn’t have to deal with any issues at all, he’s sorely mistaken. He only needs to look at his own situation to realize that no one is a blank slate, and what makes people interesting—and probably why he fell for you—is who they’ve become based on their life experiences.

As far as his ex-wife on Facebook, well, that is a non-issue. Sure, he shouldn’t have told you he was going to remove her when he really didn’t want to, but we don’t see a problem with it. Typically, people who divorce don’t reunite with their ex. And really, there’s no reason he can’t be friends with her, or remain connected with some of their mutual friends. Just because he didn’t want to be in a marriage with her doesn’t mean he should throw away all the other connections he made while he was married to her. And the fact that he has an amicable relationship with his ex also shows he’s not a bitter and angry person, and one to hold grudges. That bodes well for your relationship if it works out.

We can see why you’d be confused by his behavior though—his backpedaling especially—but from a guy’s perspective it’s pretty typical. Here’s what guys do when they meet someone they’re attracted to.

Stage 1. Pursue, pursue. (They just have to be with this woman)

Stage 2. They finally attain what they were pursuing and it’s bliss. (For a while at least.)

Stage 3. They start thinking she might be the one. (Yes, guys do that too) They’re still in the fantasy world.

Stage 4. Reality sets in. They think, “I’ll never be able to have sex with anyone else. Hmm…Do I want to be with her forever? She might be great in bed but I there’s this other thing.” (Fill in the blank for what that ‘other thing’ might be) And finally he’s thinking about the hot “redheaded bartender” and the “girl at the supermarket” and his “c0-worker” etc. The reality stage is a big deal for guys.

Stage 5. Bolt or commit. (This is the fork in the road. Many guys bolt here, and some guys decide to proceed forward, although still scared.)

Getting from Stage 1 to Stage 5 can take two weeks or two years. (Those are random numbers to illustrate a point. Each guy is different.)

You are currently at Stage 5. And you are waiting patiently. Good for you. 

So to answer your questions(Our opinions):

Yes he’s having cold feet.

And yes, you should wait it out. (For a bit.)

No, he’s not looking to get back with his ex.

Yes, at some point you need to talk all of these issues through. He might be the ‘man of your dreams’ but if he refuses to open up and talk about everything, the relationship will probably never transition from the dream world to the real one.

Good luck and hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

Other Questions about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

__________________________

Dear Guys,

I was in a long term relationship with a girl I met in my class. We absolutely hit off from the start. When I met her I still was dating someone else and I told her about it. (I never crossed the line.) My girlfriend and I eventually broke up weeks later and this girl and I immediately started talking. We then dated for two months.

Before we started dating I had been working through other personal things in my past that were catching up with me. These were things I went through growing up. I broke it off with her because I knew if I had stayed I would have ruined things. During this break up period I started talking with my ex again. I believe it was because I never let anyone close to me and she was the one person I could talk to. However, I was still talking to the girl I dated for two months but we were not getting along.

During our break up she rekindled with her ex and hooked up with him as well; the same time I was hanging with my ex. So I decided to break it off with my ex for good and finally reach closure. I then told this girl my personal problems and why I left. (Because I was depressed, not because I didn’t care for her.)

During the month I was talking with my ex the girl told me we could not be friends if I was still in contact with my ex. Now the girl tells me that if anything is going to come out of this we need to start as friends and build from there. However, she is still hanging out with HER ex and she constantly says they’re just friends, but I know they have been hooking up. She is a great fun girl but she is not happy with what she does sometimes. She lets me in and then makes mistakes. I would never be this confused about anyone but I know deep down she is the one. I told her I cannot accept the fact that she is still hooking up with other people as she puts it. I told her I cannot do it. But I have been going back and forth about this. I finally put my foot down and said I can be your friend but we can’t hook up with other people.

Am I wrong? I do not know what to do and I need help…

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Thanks for your question. Yes, we can totally understand why you’re confused. (She wants to see her ex but she doesn’t want you seeing yours.) But even though this is a double standard we also understand what’s going on for her.

Our sense is she’s protecting herself by still seeing her ex and hooking up with him. She may have really been into you when you were dating, but once you broke up with her—yes, we understand why— she is now no longer sure if she can trust you. And that’s the issue here. Trust. Andrew, you need to gain her trust back and that can take time.

Being her friend is a good first step. And while we realize that it’s very difficult for you to be friends with her while she’s still seeing her ex, you need to first help her understand that you won’t leave again. This means if she doesn’t “hear” you the first time you need to tell her over and over again until she finally understands that you really care for her and want to be with her. Making demands isn’t going to help the situation at this point even though you’re certainly not wrong to ask.

However, if after a while nothing changes, you might want to think whether she’s really The One. If she’s exhibiting destructive behavior by hooking up with guys AND not showing signs of wanting to change, then there’s no need to hang around and be a witness to it all.

Hopefully this will work out for you. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond here as well. And keep us posted on how this turns out.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

I am confused about this guy; are we in a relationship?

We’re looking for Women Writers. Check out our “Women Speak” page for more details on how to submit your work. If you’re not a writer, let your writer friends know. (We’ll happily promote your blog, website, project, or book at the end of your piece.)

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

___________________________

Hi Guys!

First of all I’m 23 and my guy is 22. Let’s call him Alex. We met about 4-5 months ago. We have kissed, held hands, cuddled, etc. (No sex yet, though he really wants to do it.) I like him but his actions are somehow confusing.

Alex is usually nicer and more attentive over texts and/or Facebook messages. He texts me at least once per day—random stuff and at random times—and that’s the only time when we have conversations about our relationship.

I already said that he really, really wants to do ‘it’, but I’m not ready.  I had a horrible experience with my last boyfriend and I haven’t dated or tried to be in a relationship with anyone since then. (More than 4 years now). However, Alex  said that he is willing to wait until the time comes, which I find really sweet of him! He doesn’t know and never asked for the details of what happened between me and my last boyfriend either.

The problem I face sometimes is that when we are together he is usually the one talking and it is almost all the time about him. I barely say anything and when I do I don’t feel like he is actually that interested. He interrupts and says things completely off topic. He rarely asks about my life. I’m learning a lot about him, but he’s not learning much about me.

On occasion he mentions his previous girlfriends. He also talks about his really beautiful friends and/or the kind of women he finds attractive. (At really random times which doesn’t bother me as much, as in I don’t get angry, but it does worry me a bit.) And the other thing is, I don’t really know what are we. I would like to call us a couple, but so far he hasn’t introduced me as ‘his girlfriend’ and I have even met his father. (Which he did not introduce to me, but we talked anyways.) During the first time we tried to be more intimate I did ask him if he was serious and he said yes with no pauses, no signs of frustration, just a calm attitude. He also told me why he liked me. (I am his friend and also a pretty gal.)

Do I have any reason to worry? Or am I just being needy/jealous/ partially paranoid due to my past experiences?  I know my own fears might be part of the problem, but I do like him and overall when we are together—even if we are just watching a movie—I am quite happy. But I want us to be closer in a more emotional/mental way as well as the physical.

Thank you very much for the help and I apologize in advance for the trouble.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question. This is no trouble at all. That’s what we’re here for.

We can understand why you’re feeling a bit unsure. We’ll try to address each of your concerns one at a time.

1. His interest in you

Sometimes young guys are clueless when it comes to asking questions and engaging in an actual conversation. They can get so wrapped up in their own world that they forget that they’re not necessarily the most fascinating creatures on the planet. We’re sure you don’t find everything he says to be that interesting, and you probably don’t care about half the topics, but you do care about him enough to try to listen and support him when he’s telling you about his life and his interests. This might come naturally to you, but clearly it doesn’t come naturally to him. So you need to gently interject things about you, and steer the topic toward some of the things you want to talk about. If he starts losing attention, or starts to digress or go off-topic,  you need to point this out to him nicely. He probably has no idea he’s doing this. (At least we hope he has no idea.)

2. Sex

There are two relationship stages for guys. Before sex, and after sex. The before sex stage is the fantasy stage. The hunt. A guy will sometimes be extra nice and extra attentive in this stage; not because he’s being manipulative—although that’s possible—but because his hormones are raging out of control. Picture a balloon that’s been blown up until it can’t hold any more air; and then picture it as it’s released into the air. This is how a guy feels when he’s pursuing a woman he’s interested in. This stage could also account for why your guy is nicer to you via text rather than in person. Texting and Facebook messaging fall into the fantasy realm believe it or not. It’s all about being more interested in the chase rather than the actual prize.

After a guy finally manages to have sex with the woman he is pursuing, the haze lifts from his mind and he can finally see clearly for the first time. This is when many women write to us and wonder what happened. They say, “Everything was wonderful until we spent the weekend together. The sex was great, but now he’s distant and he hardly texts me, and he takes forever to get back to me.”

It’s at this stage where a guy will assess and try to understand why he’s feeling differently all of a sudden. Some guys are intuitive enough to understand what’s happening, but many guys—especially younger guys—are so confused that they bail. We can’t say where your guy fits in this equation, but certainly you’ll know much more about his state of mind if/when you have sex.

(However, we are in NO WAY suggesting that you do anything you’re not completely comfortable with. We’re just explaining what’s likely going on for him. No woman, or man for that matter, should have sex with anyone unless they feel it’s the right thing for them.)

3. What are you? A couple?

This is important to figure out before you proceed with your “relationship.” If he’s not introducing you to people as his girlfriend he likely doesn’t see you that way. And this is our biggest concern. Guys generally want to tell EVERYONE about their amazing new girl. Sure, not every guy is like that, but certainly if this guy was serious about you he’d want to let his friends and family know. But to be fair, maybe he’s unsure about where you stand? Have you talked about this at all?

The thing is Sara, without actually talking about this stuff you’re not really going to know where you stand. And maybe this is okay with you for right now, since you’re a bit unsure about him anyway.

4. Our Advice

We suggest you start with trying to get more dialogue and two-way conversations going with him. If he’s receptive to that, maybe he’ll then be receptive to discussing what is actually going on with the two of you. And after that, then you can decide if you want to proceed forward with other aspects of your relationship. (Physical intimacy, etc.)

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

My son is throwing his life away on a woman with three kids

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Is he interested in friendship or something more?

We’re looking for Women Writers. Check out our “Women Speak” page for more details on how to submit your work. If you’re not a writer, let your writer friends know. (We’ll happily promote your blog, website, project, or book at the end of your piece.)

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Dear Guys,

I’ve known this guy for a couple of years. Two years ago he broke up with his girlfriend of five years. (The decision was mutual). One month after the breakup I was the first girl he went on a date with. I knew it was too soon for him but he didn’t say it; I just had a feeling that proved to be right. We “lasted” for two weeks. He couldn’t do it anymore and ended it. Since then, he’s tried to date other women, but couldn’t start an emotional relationship with anyone.

We used to bump into each other every now and then. It was friendly but a bit awkward. He kept sending me mixed messages—you know the drill—and every time he saw mutual friends he asked them about me first. However, every time I tried to initiate a get-together with a friend or a group of friends he would politely decline.

The turning point happened last summer. We started seeing each other more often. First, we saw each other once a week. Then twice. Then three, even four times a week. He is the one who initiates it almost every time. (I might have participated with 10%). Sometimes we’re in a group of friends, sometimes we’re alone. There are, of course, mixed messages still coming from him. (Constantly complimenting me, showing moderate jealousy, staring at me, bumping me etc.), But mostly I ignore it.

To be honest, I really like him as a person and I’ve never had such good time with anyone. When I told him that, he admitted that he felt the same. He’s pretty anti-social and doesn’t get close to people, but we started sharing secrets, having internal jokes, and grew very close to the point of people asking us if we were a couple etc. It is very unusual for him to behave like that with anyone, be it a male or a female. We even said “I love you” to each other. He is very caring towards me, and called me his “soft spot” not long ago.
He initiated a “what-went-wrong” conversation a couple of times, and every time we would come to the same conclusion—it’s not me or any other woman, for that matter—it’s him.

A couple of months ago, he suggested we became friends with benefits, which I sharply declined. He agreed it would be a bad solution for the both of us because it would screw him up too, but that he obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship either. We’ve never talked about that since. We spend more time with each other than we do with anyone. Sometimes, I feel like I’m in a relationship with him but I know I’m not. We don’t have any physical contact, except for back/shoulder touching, occasional arm intertwining and kisses on the cheek.

I flirt with other men and I do have a life besides him. (And I believe the same goes for him.) But we don’t talk about other men/women, nor do we flirt with anyone when we’re together.

I know you guys aren’t mind-readers, but I’d like to know what do you think of the whole situation. What am I to him?

Thank you!

Myrtle

Dear Myrtle,

Thanks for your question. You’re right, we’re not mind readers but this scenario is familiar to us.

Our sense is he wants very much to be in love with you. So many pieces of a successful relationship are present. Trust. Mutual respect. Fun. Laughs. Comfort. On paper the two of you should be together, which is part of the reason all of your friends wonder aloud what’s going on, and why you are so confused about the situation. But the problem is, love is not a spreadsheet of pros and cons. There’s always that other piece. The X factor. The “I don’t know why I love her but I do” factor. Or on the flip side. The “I don’t know what’s wrong with me because she’s perfect” factor.

And the “latter” is what we suspect is going on for him, which accounts for all the mixed-messages you are getting from him. He can’t seem to figure out why he isn’t jumping into a relationship with you; but something is holding him back. Sure, it could be his own inability to connect with someone emotionally. (But we have to assume he was connected to his ex in that way.) It could be too soon after his breakup with his ex. (Some people take longer to rebound.) But it’s more likely that some piece is missing for him that he can’t quite seem to put his finger on.

So our gut tells us you are a great friend to him and that’s where it’s likely to stay. So now you have to ask yourself if you’re okay with this? Because if you’re hanging out with him hoping something is going to change we think you’re going to be frustrated. Just the fact that he suggested a FWB (Friends with Benefits) arrangement tells us the two of you are on different pages here.

We’re glad you’re keeping your other options open and are interested in other men as well. We’d hate for you to spend so much emotionally energy and time on this guy and then have it implode when he starts to date other women. So keep yourself out there, have some fun, and treat this guy as just a friend. Who knows, maybe he’ll be someone that could provide you with some insights into some of the new men in your life. We highly recommend having friends of the opposite sex. (Strictly friends, not FWB)

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment and/or a follow question. We’ll respond here as well. (And if something huge changes, let us know. We’d love to know we were wrong.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

 

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

________________________

Dear Guys,

I’m 38, own a home, a successful business, and was married five years to an abusive man. It’s been six yrs now, I’ve moved and restarted a great life and am the happiest I’ve ever been. Over the years I see I’m drawn to attractive, adventurous, man-boys and have feared the men who want something more. The hot young ones boost my ego and have been “safe” as they usually don’t want much more then sex.

But I’ve done a lot to heal and recognize all this and now I want a more serious relationship. I had one the past two years but he left me eight months ago and I was very hurt but knew it was right and I deserved more and didn’t want to be with another big drinker who couldn’t control his habits.

A few months after the breakup I met a great 31 yr old guy. Hot, adventurous and interested. We gradually kept in touch over a few weeks and met up one evening at some hot springs and had a hot, amazing few nights together. Over the rest of the summer we’d spend a few nights a week together but I knew he would be leaving for six months in the fall. Mid-winter he was hurt and came back.

He has six weeks here and I allowed him to stay with me until he leaves again for two months, then he will be back for the summer for work. He talks about loving where we live and getting a permanent vs seasonal job. So we’re playing house mates, having a ton of sex and it’s been great. Then the fool used my computer in my house to communicate with his ex. I realized they talk often, every day or so and while he will be gone after leaving here he will be meeting up with her in Thailand. It’s definitely not just as friends, he’s clearly not over her. They’ve been broken up for two years and he told me it was hurtful. (He moved for her and it ended badly, etc.) He said he was going on his trip alone and I know he lied. We are getting to know each other, haven’t talked about anything with us and I did read him telling her he didn’t want anything serious with her. It was hard to read it all. And when I saw he forgot to log out of their very long instant message that he sent to her while I was at work, my heart sank.

I’m quite mature and really do get it. He’s having a great time with me and doesn’t want to blow it by telling me about her. We said goodbye in the fall, I was with someone else too, but now he’s back and he came to me. It’s clear he and his ex have stuff to work out and perhaps need closure or want another try at it.

My question is…what should I do? Run like Hell or give him time to figure out why they’re still connected and heal or see if they get back together and just keep dating myself? I just don’t want to be the fool, be used, be lied to, etc. The age difference is a factor and this situation proves it to me. He’s not mature enough to see that their disaster of a past will probably never work but they both are still locked together. They joke about other people but I see through that and doesn’t sounds like either has really moved on in the past two years. He’s super nice but does have a big ego and I’m sure is crushed inside that he failed at something, his first real love. They only dated a year but that can still be significant when it’s the only big experience.

Bottom line…give him a chance or not? I know he’s not prepared to tell me the truth about her (she lives across the country) and I know he wants to be here for work. He’s got his dream job and wants to stay. I know he wouldn’t leave for her and I think he actually said something to that degree in their giant message. (Can’t believe I read it. I felt badly but I’m so glad I did so I’m not completely in the dark about all of this. Nor did I tell him about the other person I spent time with.)

I actually realized after this time with someone else I really liked, that I liked him more and that’s why I invited him to stay with me. I was so curious about us having a chance to come back together so soon after thinking I wouldn’t see him for six months. My BFF thinks he really likes me, I told her the story about the ex thinking she’d tell me to end it immediately but she still thinks he’s worth having fun with and getting to know more. But it’s not her heart on the line…

Francine

Dear Francine,

Thanks for your question.

We happen to agree with your friend. You’re going to regret it if you don’t see this all the way through.

As you know, life is complicated and people come with baggage. Dating in your 20s is different than dating in your 30s, and so on, because as people age they acquire more and more baggage. But they also acquire more experience, and in turn are often more interesting.

It seems the two of you are both being a bit evasive. He’s still involved with his ex, and you are seeing other people. And neither of you knows about the other’s activities. (Okay, you do, but only because you did it without his knowledge.) We understand that you’re not really in an exclusive relationship, but in order to take this to the next level you both need to come clean about what you’re up to and honest about how you feel about the other person.

You’re right when you say, he still needs to find closure with his ex. Sometimes people go back and forth for years and years before they finally make the split. Many times it takes a new person to jumpstart this final parting. It sounds like you might actually be the person that will make him finally realize that he has a dysfunctional relationship with his ex. And that he actually could have the kind of relationship he really wants to have with you.

But the two of you need to really start talking to one another. You specifically need to let your guard down and tell him how you truly feel. Seeing other people is just a way of protecting yourself. It’s not fun to be vulnerable, but in order to see this through, you might have to let yourself be just that.

We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

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Three Questions: Should I date this older guy? and Dating my best friend’s boyfriend? and Will my boyfriend care about bumps on my butt?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

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Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Today we will be answering three short questions.

Question 1: 

Dear Guys,

I’m 15 and have been talking to a guy for awhile and we’ve both realized that we have romantic feelings for each other and that we would like to date. But he’s 18 so that’s not exactly possible yet.

He asked me to classify our relationship, so I said friends. This resulted in him saying that he felt like an idiot. Then he became depressed and distant for a few days. It’s clear that we can’t actually be together yet so I don’t know how else I would classify our relationship, or how to continue forward without getting overly involved for my age. How do I deal with the possibility of either of us getting involved with someone else and the jealousy involved in that?

Advice please?

Amber

Dear Amber,

Thanks for your question. It’s nice to see that you have a good head on your shoulders.

You’re right. The two of you should only be friends right now, until you’re of age. At that point a three year difference won’t be that big of a deal, although there’s still quite a divide between a freshman in college and a senior, but nothing like a freshman in high school and a senior in high school.

So what do you do until then?

What’s going to happen is—if he’s anything like the young guys around here—he’s going to start to pressure you subtly to start dating, or even to have a physical relationship with him. This doesn’t mean he’s not a good guy, it just means he’s a young man and he’s attracted to you. But this is not a good idea for you; if this does happen you need to set clear boundaries. Remember, guys aren’t so interested in being friends with women they would really rather date. Have you seen “Harry met Sally?” It’s an oldie but goodie, with a classic conversation at a restaurant about this topic.

We’d say the only thing you should do is keep in touch casually on Facebook, Twitter, or email. Just keep on each other’s radar. (We know that’s going to be hard.) But we wouldn’t get into phone calls, texting, etc. That’s going to be too intimate.

Believe us, even though he might start dating another girl, you’ll always be on his radar. We’re not saying he won’t fall in love with someone else in the meantime, but whenever he’s single again you’ll be the first person he thinks of.

Finally, we think you should do all the things a 15 year-old girl does now, and not wait around for this guy. However, if sometime down the road (years), the spark is still there, well then you’ll be better equipped to deal with an older guy.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Question 2:

Dear Guys,

My BFF has a boyfriend named (anonymous). He is soo sweet and they have been dating a while. But he confessed his love for me today, but said he loves my BFF too.

To be honest I like him too. But I also don’t wanna hurt my friend’s feelings.

WHAT DO I DO?!

Miranda

Dear Miranda,

Thanks for your question.

What do you do? You do nothing. Your best friend comes first. Even after they break up you should stay away from this guy. Otherwise you’ll be faced with a decision: Date this boy or have your best friend.

Also keep in mind that you’re young. And even if you decided to date this boy, it’s likely you’d break up soon after. Then you’d be left with neither this boy or you best friend.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

pss. As per your other question: Progressing your relationship in a nonsexual way? That seems like a covert way of saying your boyfriend wants to by physical with you without actually defining it as sex.

Question 3: 

Hi Guys,

My guy really wants to do it doggie style, and so do I, but I have a bit of keratosis pilaris (bumps)  (for our readers) on my butt and I don’t really want him staring at that.

Do you think this is going to be a huge turn off for him or am I overreacting?

Thanks!

Cait xx

Dear Cait,

Thanks for your question. Let’s put it this way, we don’t know a lot of guys that would care.

Is your guy a sensitive person? Could you talk to him about this? (You don’t mention your age so we don’t have a sense of how serious your relationship is. We’re assuming you’re old enough to have sex and so you’re in a committed relationship.) Anyway, if he loves you he definitely won’t care. And believe us, if he’s been anticipating this for a while, a few bumps on your butt will be the last thing on his mind. In fact, during your session, his mind will be on hiatus anyway. (And his vision will be blurry.)

Hope this helps.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

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Will he come back?

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What does he really want? 

Dear Guys,

I answered a casual encounters ad on Craigslist. No sex. He just wanted to play with my breasts. I thought it would be something like making out, maybe foreplay without the sex; and initially it was. We had our first meeting in public—no breast activity at all. I liked him, so we kept in touch through text messages mostly and a few phone calls. We made plans to see each other on a more regular basis. After a few meetings he suggested that we try something new—extended breast play. I asked, “Don’t we do that already?” So he further explained it as suckling. I asked if it was like breastfeeding, and he said that it was simulating it. I asked if what he really wanted was a pregnant and/or nursing woman. He said no. I asked if he had ever done it before and he said no. He gave me the impression that this was a new experience for us both. So I tried it, and I liked it. It was a lot more intimate than anything we had done prior. Afterwards, I was curious about what we tried so I started googling it. I started with adult breastfeeding, which lead to erotic lactation, and that lead to adult nursing relationships (ANRs).

Anyway, at first I was upset when I found at all of this information. I thought this was something new to both of us but apparently it wasn’t. But after some thought I could see why he wasn’t completely upfront about what he wanted. However, I let my anxiety take over, and instead of waiting patiently to speak with him, I flooded him with texts, and emails and voice mail messages for three days. I didn’t yell or accuse, like I said, I understand why he was less than honest, and I wanted to explore this with him.

Anyway, we never spoke about what I discovered. He said if this was going to work I needed to apply the breaks, heavily. Then he asked me for space. I gave him one week.

He stopped answering my phone calls, emails, and text messages. I became clingy and needy. Eventually I resorted to dropping by his house unannounced. The first time it freaked him out but it ended in a heavy makeout session. The second time he yelled at me in his hallway and sent me away. He was hurtful. I, in turn, sent him a nasty email. We haven’t spoken in a week and a half. I really messed this up. He won’t talk to me, and he has already started looking for someone else. I know he is back to answering (ANR) ads.

I can’t let this go. I feel as though he tossed me aside like a defective blow up doll. Should I apologize? Will he ever be receptive to me again, or should I stay away? Is it possible for things to just go back to being casual, stress free, and fun or will he think I’m crazy forever?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your question.

The issue here is one of expectation. When you answer a “Casual Encounters Ad” on Craigslist, it implies just that: a casual encounter. Nothing more. Nothing less. Your reaction—although in our minds warranted—took the arrangement from casual to serious, which is not something he was looking for. His own internal and external exploration helped him realize he has a fetish for this sort of thing. (ANR) So, he is now looking for like-minded people who have reached this same realization.

We think it’s unlikely your relationship can go back to being just casual and fun. In general, it’s possible to take a relationship from casual to serious, but difficult to go from serious to casual. But we can’t blame you for wanting to understand more about “extended breast play” and then seeking answers from him. It’s too bad he wasn’t able to be honest with you from the get go. But maybe honesty is too much to ask when you answer this type of ad?

The one place we do think you crossed the line is showing up at his house unannounced, especially when you were really angry. Going forward, please try to suppress these impulses unless you want to be labeled as: crazy, loco, psycho, nuts, or creepy.

We’re sorry you feel discarded. But unfortunately we don’t think he’s open to you anymore. But we also don’t think you could have done much differently. Sure you might have acted a bit “needy” but who could blame you? And really, is this the kind of guy you want to be in a relationship with? We doubt it. Not because of his alternative interests, but because of his dishonesty, and unwillingness to explore with you and help you understand. Sharing fetishes and fantasies with a partner can help spice things up and even bring people closer together. But this guy is not looking for one woman he can share his fantasies with but rather as many willing “Milk Maids” as he can find.

We hope this helps. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us any follow up questions. Leave all comments/questions in this comments section here and we’ll respond here as well.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Why is he not asking me out?

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

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Dear Guys,

I recently met a guy at work.  He had transferred from our company’s UK office to my office in Sydney about 3 months ago.  He showed an interest in me from the very beginning – in and out of the office. In the office, he would find excuses to talk to me even though we weren’t working in the same department. Outside the office—we went to the pub a few times with other colleagues— he simply couldn’t keep his hands off me; he would rub my knees and arms as we talked, not paying attention to anyone else there. Everyone in the office knew he liked me.

At first I wasn’t interested in him; I was actually interested in another guy in the office. (But very few people knew about it). The thought of flirting with him to get the other guy jealous did cross my mind but I didn’t think it would be fair to him so I kept that to a minimum. He never tried to “hide his feelings” for me. During a game of Beer-pong at work on a Friday evening, he had his hands on me the whole time and didn’t seem to care that everyone in the office saw that. He even put his hand on my butt at one time but I slapped it away.

Recently I find myself starting to like him.  He’s a good-looking guy and definitely knows how to work his charms on women when he wants to. I’ve also been assigned to manage a few of the projects that he sold. He would “micro-manage” those projects with me just so that he could talk to me. When we’re talking business, there’s always quite a bit of flirting. But the thing is, he never asked me out. I even hinted to him that I wanted to see a show, creating a chance for him to ask me out but he didn’t.

Just over a week ago we were going to watch a game together with two of our colleagues who both backed out in the last minute, so it ended up being just the two of us. (There were two other people we were supposed to meet up with but he never called them.) After the game he kissed me. We then went to a pub where we talked and kissed again. He’s a good kisser and the kisses we shared were very passionate. He asked me what my dreams were and whether or not I wanted a family. Later that evening he walked me to the station where we kissed goodbye. I was quite surprised that he didn’t suggest coming home with me as I had suspected he was only after sex.

That was a week and half ago and he has not asked me out again since. (The truth is, he never did ask me out – the game date was an “accident.”) He still flirts with me at work and will come over to my desk any chance he gets to talk to me. When we are alone in the office kitchen, he will try and get physically very close to me that I have to back away because I don’t think it is appropriate.

So why is he not asking me out?  I’m so frustrated and confused.

Thanks in advance!

Helen

Dear Helen,

Thanks for your question.

In some ways work is a great place to meet someone. It’s very different from a bar or a party where the “hope,” or at least the “thought,” that you might meet some great new person is always in the air. Work allows people to gradually get to know each other and really understand each other on many levels. So inevitably feelings develop between people. However, not everyone is comfortable pursuing those feelings and taking them to the next level.

However, this guy doesn’t seem to care about that. Sure he’s given you some mixed messages, but the majority of the time he’s got his hands all over you. In our minds this would connote a player. And that could be the reason he’s not asking you out. Because even though he didn’t ask to come up to your apartment the night the two of you “went out,” this doesn’t mean his goal is anything other than getting you in bed. Players who are really good don’t necessarily jump at the first opportunity. Instead they play it cool, even so far as to inquire about the future.

First of all tell this guy in no uncertain terms that he should not be touching you during work. It’s unprofessional and not cool. Then you need to have a chat with him and let him know you would be open to him asking you out. After that, play it cool and see what happens. Who knows, maybe he’s still not sure where you’re at since you weren’t interested in him right away. Maybe he feels you’re fickle, and that he’s really your second choice. This would explain a lot. If a guy feels like he’s more of an afterthought he might not be too excited to get into a serious relationship, but it certainly wouldn’t stop him from pursuing the same woman as a Booty Call. Remember, the male ego doesn’t often forget. And if his has been wounded it’s constantly reminding him of that fact.

Let us know which one he is: Wounded Warrior or Playa!

Good luck.

THE GUYS

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