I&#8217;m hot for my tutor; will he date me?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Why does he have a second Facebook page? What is this guy’s MO?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Hey Guys,

I’ve started randomly talking to this guy that I met on the net. The contact began back in 2009. He found my profile on MySpace. He enjoyed reading the blogs that I had written about my traveling experiences and decided to send me messages. We had had some distant back and forth messaging. He was pretty persistent (on a friendly note), but nothing more came out of it. One, I was kind of passive and wasn’t really interested, and two, since the development of Facebook I was hardly logged into MySpace. So the communication died off.

Fastforward to 2010….I get a random e-mail notification from MySpace that he had sent me an email. He was basically just checking in to see how I was doing, and if I was interested in talking with him sometime. Out of curiosity, I had added him onto Facebook, but again, I was still giving him the cold shoulder. He would drop me a note here and there….but nothing really came out of it.

Now, onward to about two weeks ago. He sent me a random IM one day asking how I was doing. From there I stopped being a Little Miss-Priss and started chatting with him. And thank goodness I did. He and I have been talking non-stop since then…every single evening until the wee hours of the morning. From everything to our interests, daily lives…experiences…etc. So far we have a lot of common interests and he has a great personality. I guess we’ve developed a really easy connection. He sends me text messages every now and then asking about my day and the like. And we’ve also talked on the phone and via cam. Now it is apparent that we find each other both physically and emotionally attractive. But here’s my problem.

I have been in a downhill live-in relationship for the last couple of years and am in the processes of splitting up. My new “friend” is aware—I told him that I was in a relationship when we had begun chatting—of this and has not made any advances towards me in a romantic sort of way. Everything has been pretty innocent—minus some flirting here and there—but we have both been truthful about our situations and what it is that we want. Right now we are just equally keen on getting to know each other.

At first, there were some talks about meeting each other, perhaps in his city or mine. (We live about 4-5 hours away from each other.) And I really wanted to meet him. At first, I was stuck—and still am—in a predicament where I was worried about the current status of my relationship and how I would be able to get away to see my new “friend.” I didn’t want to cause myself any drama or complications with my boyfriend, but it seems as though with my recent actions I did.

I wound up lying to my boyfriend to see this guy for a 3-day weekend. Everything went great. We connected and everything. But I wound up being intimate with him. I came back home and am in the process of finalizing my current relationship. I feel awful about the situation, with me needing to lie to my ex about the whole situation.

But now I’m starting to look at this new guy suspiciously since I’m unsure of what his intentions are. He has been overseas for work these last couple of weeks and will be returning next week. He has been contacting me via Facebook/chat and has stated that he wants to meet again. When I asked him point blank about what was going on between us, and if it is purely physical, he stated that he is attracted to me both physically/intellectually and wants to know me better.

I don’t know what’s going on. If he wants just a sexual relationship why doesn’t he come out and say it?

More information:

I also found out that he has another Facebook page in relation to the one that I’m connected to. This new page seems to actually be his personal one. (He has is friends, his family–perhaps, and even his co-workers on it.) However, the one that I am connected to is pretty restrictive. I am unable to see his friends’ list. Yet the comments left on the page are made by a lot of African/African-American women. I happen to be an AF woman which raises a couple of red flags for me. I’m not even sure that I’m on the right grounds to even confront him about it. We’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, not committed/exclusive. (We’ve haven’t even gotten that far.) And I guess that he’s free to do/date whomever he wants. But at the same time, I can’t help but think that I just may be another AF-woman on his page to “chat” with and occasionally meet up with.

Should I confront him about the page? Would I have the right to do it? If so, how would I go about doing it without seeming like a stalker? If I shouldn’t confront him about it when would be the most appropriate time? WTF should I do? Should I pursue this or should I just see it as a fling and move on?

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question.

This second Facebook page makes us feel a bit uneasy. It sounds like you feel the same way.

Since you’ve already gotten together with this guy we see no reason why you can’t speak to him directly about your feelings and concerns. There are no rules here. The appropriate time is now. In fact we encourage you to do it sooner rather than later. You’ll get a lot of information based on his reaction to your question. We expect he’ll try to smooth talk you through it, and spin the same line about wanting to get you know better. He seems too smart to get defensive about it. Either way, please trust your gut. (Check out our video on this topic. On video page.) In general this feels a lot like the headline: “Guy meets great woman online but continues to troll dating sites for new talent.”

If he’s doing what we think he’s doing—hitting on as many people as he can—this doesn’t seem like a safe situation, physically and emotionally. You should definitely speak to him directly about how you’re feeling. However, in this situation, actions will speak louder than words. If he tells you he sees potential for a relationship with you, but then continues his whole Facebook charade, then you need to assess what’s the truth and what isn’t.

In general, tread carefully here. He may seem like a great guy—and it’s possible he is—but keep in mind that anyone can be wonderful from a distance. And anyone can be on their best behavior for three days. When hormones are raging, guys can be quite charming.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Does future career always trump future relationship?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What does he really want?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Hi Guys,

I have been totally blindsided! About six weeks ago I started seeing this guy. (He is younger than me – I’m 30 and he’s 24, but that didn’t seem to bother him.) Everything was going really smoothly up until yesterday. While we were seeing each other he was out of town for two of the weeks. One of the weeks he was going to different universities around Canada because he’s finishing med school this year and is looking for residency positions. So we didn’t talk much while he was gone. And then the week before Christmas he was out of town staying with his family. So I know that overall I haven’t invested a whole lot of time into this relationship but I’m not sure where/when it went wrong.

The first few weeks that we were seeing each other he did do most of the talking. I think he was nervous(?) because it could be hard for me to get a word in edgewise. After our second date he wanted to not only know if I’d hang out with him on New Years but also wanted to know if there was anyone else in the picture and seemed somewhat surprised when I said that I wasn’t seeing anyone else. He even asked me if “I was (only) his” and I said yes. (How does one answer that kind of question??) He was really eager/enthusiastic – I’ve never dated someone so overzealous (seemingly) in the beginning of a relationship but I certainly wasn’t complaining. I don’t think he’s had much experience in having relationships. He said he’d only had one previous long term relationship and then a “fling” over the summer. I just got out of a 4.5 year relationship last March and I’m in no rush to jump into anything. (We waited until about 2 or 3 weeks in before having sex… well I made us wait and I think I should’ve waited longer).

After a few dates he invited me out with his friends and we had a really good time. He told me later they really liked me and a week or so after that my friends and I hosted a party and he came to that and my friends all came up to me later telling me they really liked him. After the party was the first time we had sex and I do think there was a (very) subtle change in the dynamic of the relationship after that. The very day we had sex I had to leave to go to work but we made plans to hang out when I got off. Just as I was on my way to meet up with him he messaged me bailing on me—first time ever bailing last minute—because he had to pack because he was going to his universities tour that I mentioned earlier. The fact that he had just stayed at home while I was gone playing on his xbox knowing he was supposed to meet up with me I thought was inconsiderate so I asked him to next time give me a heads-up in advance if he has to bail. And the following week, when he thought he wasn’t going to be able to meet up, he let me know 12 hours in advance! So I saw the bailing thing as just a blip.

We still frequently made plans to meet up after that and it was always nice spending time with him and he was pretty consistent about contacting me, as was I with him. Two days ago he got back from spending a week and a half with his family out of town. No sooner did we sit down at coffee yesterday that he said, “We have to talk!” We hadn’t even had a ‘define the relationship’ type of conversation so I didn’t even know if he considered me as his girlfriend. And then the next thing I knew he was ending our relationship and according to him we were dating!

He said that he felt that because the hospital he was going to be working at next semester was pretty far he was going to have to spend a lot of time at his parents because they live close to the hospital. He often has to be at the hospital for 6am and public transit doesn’t even start to operate until 6am and he will be on call most of the time and he didn’t know how much time he could invest into a relationship. He said he doesn’t also want to be a guy who calls only when he has like thirty minutes to hang out or something. He said he still likes me and is attracted to me but he has to prioritize his career and school. (Since I have a Master’s degree I totally get the need to prioritize school and career.)

So I told him that I respected him for being straight up but that I would’ve appreciated a bit more dialogue such as about how I would have felt with only seeing him once a week but he sort of made up his mind about how I would’ve felt about it.

I asked him how long he had been thinking of this and he said he just started really thinking seriously (as in 3 days ago) about how the next few months are going to be for him and that he didn’t see how things could work out as we’d like it to so he decided he needed to focus on his priorities, which is school and getting into a residency program. (I don’t begrudge that of course).

But is it really school or do you think he’ll have a change of heart?

Thanks!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

As women are often, but certainly not always, attracted to guys who are stable and seemingly good caretakers—guys with money, or at least good jobs—guys in turn strive to achieve those positions. Our identities, and unfortunately our egos, are closely connected to our work. We want to feel valued in society. We want to be respected by our peers. And we certainly want to be attractive to women. But it’s more than that. Since we’re no longer required to hunt, moving up the career ladder is the closest thing we have to taking down that Saber Tooth Tiger.

Your guy’s age and inexperience play a big factor here as well. He’s probably a bit uncertain about how he feels. Remember, he’s probably been planning on studying medicine his whole life. (Or maybe his parents pushed him in that direction, which is a whole other story.) Then all of a sudden he meets you right before he’s about to take the next step and he’s thrown off a bit. Most guys just won’t tolerate that. Even if they feel a strong connection with a woman they won’t allow themselves to “go there.” We’d say he fits neatly into this category. And if so, we don’t see him veering from his course.

Some people love the idea of love. They get all excited every time they meet someone new, only to have their feelings temper as the relationship develops. In a word, or words, this stinks for the other person. The way he spoke to you at the beginning was probably genuine, but in some ways he was living in his own fantasy world. When he “woke up,” he realized that he needed to stay focused on his plan.

Of course having said that, if this guy really felt something extra special with you his conversation might have been slightly different.(Like you surmised.) He might have asked you how you felt about him moving, and if you would consider trying to do a long distance relationship; and maybe if he was really a risk taker, he’d ask you if you would consider relocating. He still wouldn’t have changed his path, but it’s possible he might have tried to incorporate you into it.

But that takes a forward-thinking person to do that. Someone who is able to balance a lot at one time, or even understand that this balancing act is possible. If he’s career obsessed it might not even have occurred to him that having an exciting career AND a great relationship is possible. Some guys just don’t have that capacity, even when they are married.

If it makes you feel better we bet at some point he’ll feel some regret over his decision. We also wouldn’t be surprised if he contacted you again. But it’s hard to say when, and if he’ll be a different person when he does. (We wouldn’t hold our breath on this one.)

We’ll speak personally and tell you that having a career that we love is very important, but having a woman we love and a family to come home to is even better. There are many guys out there who feel the way we do. We’re not sure if this guy is one of them, or if he’s just too young to know where he stands.

Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Two questions: Is this party guy interested? (and) Did I get played by this girl?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What does he really want?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Dear Guys,

There is this guy who works at the ABC store that I am very attracted to. The first time I went in to stock my home bar he helped me and as I left he said, “Let me know when the party is.” I took it as if he was just being nice. I went back in tonight and he asked me how the bar was going. I told him that no one drank the rum and he said, “Let me know where the party’s at and I will drink it!”

Is he trying to tell me something? Should I have taken those comments and invited him over? I am soo shy. Should I just pass him the number and leave it at that?

Trisha

Dear Trisha,

Thanks for your question.

Well, he’s either interested in you, or he really likes to drink rum. Either way, you won’t know unless you make the first move.

We don’t think there’s any harm in giving him your number, but just remember you don’t really know the guy. Maybe a first meeting should be sometime during the day, say for coffee? If that goes well you can take it from there.

He sounds fun, but we’re always a bit wary about relationships that begin with drinks. If you know what we mean!

Happy New Year,

THE GUYS

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(AND)

Hey Guys,

So for about 4 months I started talking to a girl who I know through a friend. We started off as just friends but then I started to get feelings for her. I told her straight up how I felt and that I was starting to fall for her. She had been dating a guy who hit her and controlled her. She told me every day that I was the only guy who treated her right and that I was above all other guys ever.

A few weeks ago they broke up and she said she didn’t want to date anyone and stay single for awhile. I told her I respected that choice and told her I was still there for her. She told me that when she was ready I would be at top of the list. But last night I saw a tweet on my feed that said she was dating some other guy.

All I wanna know is if you think I got played and used? Did she only want me around to feel wanted and loved?

Thanks,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Thanks for your question.

Rest assured you did a good thing. You gave this woman strength as she dealt with an abusive boyfriend. Good for you.

But sometimes it’s a drag being the ‘good guy’ isn’t it?

We don’t think you got used specifically. Meaning, she didn’t use you and then discard you. She leaned on you as she would a friend. But we’re not sure it means anything more than that. Her choice of words to you seems a bit coy and non-committal. (“You’ll be at the top of her list when she’s ready.”) She has a list?

However, by your description of her taste in men, she doesn’t seem capable of choosing a good guy just yet. She’s still into guys who treat her poorly, as if that’s somehow more exciting. It makes no sense to us, just as women are baffled by guys who go for beautiful women with not much else going on—not that the two are mutually exclusive. (We’re just making a point.)

We’d say don’t abandon her; she still probably values your friendship. But we think you shouldn’t hold out any hope that she’ll suddenly come around. She’s got a ways to go before she’s ready for a good guy like yourself.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I went to one of my friend’s weddings which was held five hours away from where I live. While there I met a guy who was my age. We hit it off and had a lot in common and sparks started to fly. This all happened in January of this year.

I had drove to visit him 10+ times and he came to visit me. I went to wedding with him, introduced him to my family/friends and met his family/friends; everything was perfect.

After several months of talking we decided to date long distance. We knew it wouldn’t be easy but we gave it a go anyway. I started getting a little suspicious when he wouldn’t add me on Facebook and he would always have a password set on his phone—not like I’d go through it anyway. But it all didn’t add up.

One day while I was visiting, he was at work and I wanted to be cute and write on his calendar. (He had a whole bunch of permanent markers in a cubby on his night stand so I grabbed one and there happened to be a sticky note stuck to one of them.) So of course I read it and it was from a girl telling him she loved him and had an amazing time with him. However, there was no date so it could have been old. I decided to ask him about it and he got all defensive and we got into an argument which didn’t make matters any better.

So automatically that gave me some trust issues with him. My friend found out through her friend that my guy was going to all these bars and all these girls were commenting on his page on Facebook. Which wasn’t a big deal really, but he would lie to me about where he was if I happened to call. He would say his phone died or he was just hanging at a friend’s house when really he was out at the bars. Then to top things off my friend Googled his name and found him posting on this chat message board trying to pick up girls two days before one of my trips to see him.

I haven’t seen him since October 2nd and on the 7th of this month he told me maybe we should end things because I deserve better and all of that. So I got upset and blocked him and we haven’t spoken since. I know he has screwed me over and I’ve been completely faithful and honest but I miss him. I had plans to move there to be with him and everything and now it’s all gone. January of 2012 will mark our one year and it’s hard to think about.

What should I do? Do you think he will come back? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a tough time.

Distance and time can often distort perception. You haven’t seen this guy since October so of course you’re missing him terribly. Yes, you might remember that he cheated on you, but the painful feelings associated with that memory have faded, replaced by memories of the good times you had with him. We’ve all been there.

If you get back together with him ask yourself if things would be different. Do you think you can trust him again? Do you think he will be responsible with that trust? Do you believe when he’s out in the world he’ll be saying to himself ‘How would Ashley feel if I did this’? Because in order to make this work, or any trusting relationship to work, the answer to all those questions must be a definitive YES. Because doubt breeds insecurity, which leads to resentment, and eventually disillusion.

We can’t say whether he’ll come back. The larger question is, should you take him back if he does come back?

People can change, but often it takes time, usually littered with broken relationships along the way before the person finally has an epiphany and realizes they need to fundamentally change. This also must be coupled with self-reflection. Without the two working in tandem change won’t happen.

Guys, tend to take longer to change. Many people say women are more intuitive. That’s not necessarily true. But guys are so programmed to try and be cool and tough that they ignore their intuition in favor of a rough exterior and uncaring attitude. It’s all a smokescreen. But it can take a lifetime to clear all that smoke.

Just think about all these questions as you move forward. There are trustworthy and loyal guys out there. You might not need to recycle the past to get the person you’re looking for.

Be well,

THE GUYS

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Dumped by text

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What does he really want?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Dear Guys,

I was dating this guy for about 6 months. Things were going good, we were enjoying each other’s time and he was someone I could be open with. Then out of the blue I get this text message saying:

“I just got back from office. I am barely able to finish this text I’m so tired. But it’s important we communicate. I have something to share with you. Met someone that I like and I wanted to give it a fair chance. So I have to be true and fair to myself, you and her. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to continue seeing each other for now. I would like us to remain friends but after a bit of time has passed and I feel comfortable in my relationship. I hope you find it in you to be happy for me and wish me well. It is what I would do.”

It was totally out of left field. I was so hurt. This happened about a month ago and I am still hurt and confused about it. I am 33 and he is 45. This is not something I would have expected from an older man.

My question is, what would make a man break up with somone via a text message? Why did he do that? I gave him no reason to think I am crazy.

Confused and hurt,

Fatisha

Dear Fatisha,

Thanks for your question.

We are as taken aback by this as you are. A 45 year-old guy should know better. We’re sorry.

So we discussed among ourselves the question: Is there ever a time when it’s okay to break up via text?

We could agree on only one scenario:

If a couple uses texting as their primary mode of communication, then it seems reasonable—although still odd to us—that this particular couple could conduct a breakup via texting. Otherwise breaking up in a text message is completely irresponsible and shows a total lack of respect.

We know you’re hurt and sad, but hopefully as time goes by you might realize that this man showed his true colors the day he broke up with you. He used the quickest and easiest way to extricate himself from your relationship and then had the gall to ask for your blessing. This shows how little he valued your relationship, and much about his lack of character and values.

We’d like to think that most people face their challenges head on. They admit if they were wrong. They apologize when warranted. And they don’t avoid those difficult conversations even when they know how unpleasant they are going to be. Clearly your man does not live his life this way. So Fatisha, is this the kind of guy you want to have a long term relationship with? Think about how many challenges life throws at us. Don’t you want someone in your corner who’s got your back? Someone you know you can count on when things get tough? Someone who has your best interests in mind?

Hopefully in your next relationship you have will be a true partnership.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question in the comments section. We’ll respond there. Also, let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Happy Holidays: Some fun reading and videos

We hope everyone is enjoying themselves this holiday season. We certainly are. If you’re looking for a short break from the festivities and need some quiet time, take in a few of these holiday pieces.

If you have a question, please leave us a note here on the “Ask the Guys” page. We’re doing our best to get to all of your questions.

Until then, enjoy!

THE GUYS

1. Holiday Expectations: The goal of perfection (From our very own “One of the Guys”)

2. Where did all the mistletoe go?

3. Unconventional Holiday Movies

4. Where to take your holiday hookups

5. Holiday dating Dos and Don’ts

6. How to survive holiday dating

7. Healthy relationships during the holidays: Dr. Logan Levkoff-sexologist

8. The four Christmas articles you’ll see on the internet

9. Magic of the holidays (Another article from “One of the Guys”)

10. College Humor Holiday Video

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. Take a look and see what the topic is for February and March. If you’re not a writer, let your writer friends know. We look forward to reading your submissions. Thanks.

Are my sister’s actions inappropriate?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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Hi Guys,

It seems like every time I meet or date someone my sister likes to form her own type of relationship with the person. Some of the guys are people I’m dating, others are just friends. (I don’t think she’s trying to date them though.) It starts out innocently enough with a few comments on Facebook and before I know it she has added them as a friend—most of the time she has never even met the person—which then leads to texting/phone and in some cases, hanging out. Sometimes she likes to hijack my phone and text them funny things pretending it’s from me. (Sometimes it is funny, but a lot of the time it’s not.)

This has happened on more than a few occasions…at least six or seven times. I feel like I’m being paranoid but I would never do something like that to her. I’ve been told I’m justified AND I’ve been told I’m jealous.

There is a eight year age gap between us—I am the oldest (33)of three and she is the youngest (25)—and we have always been close, but this really bothers me. Is this a line crosser? I don’t know how to approach her. The one time I did she got bent out of shape and mass deleted everyone on Facebook, saying she wasn’t allowed to be friends with my friends. And the one time I mentioned it to a guy I was told I was jealous.

I’m at a loss as to what to make of it. And, what to do.

Trish

Dear Trish,

Thanks for your question.

You’re in a funny position here. It’s obvious you care about your sister and you don’t want to do anything to damage your relationship, but at the same time you’d like her to stop. (Ahh, the complexity of sibling relationships!)

Rest assured, she is completely in the wrong. She is definitely crossing the line and she seems completely oblivious to this fact. Which says to us, whatever roles you established when the two of you were younger, are still playing out here. Meaning, you’re expected to be the mature and understanding older sister who puts up with her younger sister’s cute pranks. Maybe twenty years ago her antics were adorable, but now that you’re both adults, not so much anymore.

Sibling roles often last forever. Even after kids go off to establish their own lives—maybe getting married and having their own families—these same roles play out over and over during family get togethers and events. In order to break free from these roles it takes work and participation from both sides. Often, if issues arise, one sibling might try to move the relationship to a new place while the other sibling resists, which can cause a rift that can last a lifetime.

We don’t think a lifetime rift will happen in your case, but you are going to have to have a “sit down” with your sis. (This behavior isn’t going to stop on its own.) And this is where being the older sister will help you, because it’s clear she’s trying to get your attention. She’s flexing her adult muscles, demonstrating her power, and probably looking for your approval. Yes, she still wants to know that big sister is paying attention as she navigates the adult world. And of course on some level she’s also competing with you. What younger sibling doesn’t want to “beat” their older brother or sister in something?

What she doesn’t realize is that you’re treating her more as an equal now, someone who should know better. And this is how we might broach the topic. Tell her how much you care about her, but you also might want to flip things on her. Tell her that sometimes even older sis might need some support from younger sis. If she realizes that you in fact don’t have all the answers, maybe she’ll back off and realize she has crossed the line. Hopefully this new understanding will bring the two of you even closer.

However, this conversation may not go smoothly, and it is possible she will have a knee-jerk reaction and be angry for a time. But if you do it with sensitivity—even though she’s not being sensitive now—eventually she’ll understand her behavior is inappropriate.

And for Pete’s Sake, please hide your phone!

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a comment her in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Dear Guys,

Since I was a freshman in high school I have always had a crush on one of my former coaches. This has been no secret to anyone who knows me and I am even positive that he knows as well. All throughout high school we have had a special relationship—a “Father and Daughter” relationship as he would describe it. But I’ve always been sure that there was something more unspoken between us.

For instance, during games or whenever we were in the same room he would always stare at me, although very discreetly. It’s the way that he stares sometimes. I can’t help but blush or shy away. Also, he would go out of his way to speak with me—interrupting conversations that I am having with others or finding ways to accommodate me. Often he would ask about my status with some of my male peers. And even after I graduated he let me know to email him to stay in contact so he’ll know how things are going with me.

One incident that stands out so vividly in my mind happened at my last volleyball game of my high school career. He was sitting way in the stands. I remained on the bench the entire game. Upset we lost the game and that I didn’t even get to play, I stormed out of the gym and into the nearest restroom. Just shortly after I went in a female teacher—who’s one of his closest friends—came in after me to let me know that he was standing outside the door and wanted to speak with me. (This teacher was also aware of my fondness for him.) I quickly pulled myself together and met him outside the door. The fact that he came after me and noticed my exit out of a gym meant a lot to me. He then talked to me and his face was just inches from mine. That’s when I heard “I love you to death..like a daughter, of course.” I’ve heard him call me his daughter before even though he’s white and I am African American. And I even heard him tell me that he loved me before, but when he spoke with me outside the restroom something about the way he spoke with me told me there was something more to it. Could I be wrong?

To this very day I visit the high school and the girls in the school’s volleyball program. The first person I notice is him when I walk through those doors. I notice that he notices me too but he tries not to seem phased by my presence. Sometimes he doesn’t even talk to me. He just holds conversations with other people and steals glances from a distance. Though we still email each other I can’t seem to understand why things may be so awkward for him.

Am I delusional? Can there be something more? Is this mutual attraction all in my head? Or can he be conflicted because he’s a teacher, coach, husband, and newly father.

Ash

Dear Ash,

Thanks for your question. We’re surprised we haven’t gotten a question like this before.

Relationships between coaches and players—or teachers and students—have clearly defined parameters. Coaches have to be very careful not to cross these parameters if they want to keep their job, or stay out of jail. We’re sure you’ve seen plenty of cases on the news of coaches losing sight of those very clear boundaries and ending up ruining their lives and the lives of all the people who love them.

From what you describe your instincts could be right. It’s possible there could be a mutual attraction. (But we don’t really know. We can only go by what you’re saying.) Players often have crushes on their coaches. They see someone who’s strong, confident, knowledgeable, and maybe even good looking and they start to fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with this person. (Because those particular characteristics ARE attractive, especially to young women coached by an older guy.) And on the flipside, men see beautiful, athletic, young women running around in shorts and tee shirts and it’s only natural for them to recognize this beauty, and be attracted to it.

But it should NEVER go any further than that. It can’t. And if it does, that’s when trouble starts and lives get ruined.

Coaches especially need to be cognizant of the affect they might have on their players and not take advantage of this power. Although this happens all the time in our society. Think rock stars, artists, athletes, etc. But teachers and coaches, whom parents have entrusted with their children, have to be extra diligent about keeping to their clearly defined roles.

We can’t say whether or not he’s actually attracted to you, but it’s clear he’s fond of you. He says he thinks of you like a daughter, so we think you need to take him at his word. And OF COURSE the whole situation is awkward for him. He might care for you but he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s crossing the line, so he has to be guarded. And frankly, he has everything to lose by doing anything more than what he’s doing. He’s a husband and father and he needs to always keep that in mind as he carries himself in the world.

So Ash, it’s fine to have a crush on your coach but you need to leave it right where it is. We realize you really want to know if he also has feelings for you, but we think you need to put this aside and start focusing your energy on men your own age. And be happy you have a mentor/father who cares for you.

THE GUYS

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Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

Dear Guys,

So I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We work together which only makes it worse because his wife works in the same place. When this all started I was married and he approached me. Then, he told me he and his wife of only a few months got separated. He said the only thing left to do was file the papers.

Since then I have divorced my husband. The problem now is that my boyfriend doesn’t know what he wants to do because he is very religious and doesn’t “believe in divorce.” He says he loves me and promises things are going to get better but it’s hard because we have to remain hidden. When I complain about things he tells me if it’s too much I should just walk away from all of it and he will understand.

His wife has now moved back into their home and I see them talking at work. He thinks I am overreacting when I say anything about this. What is really going on here?? Does he really not know what he wants to do or am I going to just be stuck as the “other woman” until I finally walk away from this situation? I have invested so much of my life into him and this relationship based on what he tells me but I’m tired of being a secret and even more tired of waiting for him to make up his mind.

What should I do??

Chelle

Dear Chelle,

Thanks for your question.

When you say you’ve invested so much of your life on this guy, what exactly do you mean? You’ve only been with him a year or so. Are you saying that you feel regret for divorcing your husband because you fell in love with this new man? And now that your new boyfriend is not following through you’re feeling even more regret?

So let’s first put your mind at ease. Obviously something wasn’t working with your marriage long before this guy entered your life, or you wouldn’t have been “open” to meeting someone new. And although we believe it’s best to figure out whether or a relationship is working or not working before getting involved with someone new, we also understand that life is messy, and sometimes things happen.

Obviously this guy is conflicted about what he wants to do. From our perspective it seems while the two of you were both still married he was content to have an affair with you because that’s all it was. But now that you’re single and available, and wanting him to commit, he doesn’t seem ready to make any sort of decision about leaving his marriage. Citing “religious reasons” is just an excuse. And the fact that he says he would understand if you walked away makes us wonder why he’s not willing to do whatever it takes to make this work?

Leaving a marriage is a big deal. It’s a complete upheaval of everything a person knows. It’s scary and uncertain, and frankly, not everyone is up for the task, even if they are unhappy. This man may not be strong enough to do this, at least in the timeframe that you would like.

We think your instincts are right. If he was serious about you he wouldn’t be keeping the relationship a secret. And he wouldn’t keep making excuses. You need to have a very direct discussion with him about what you need from the relationship. If he’s not willing or able to give you those things you might need to make some tough decisions. But please don’t fret over what you’ve invested in this. The time and energy you’ve given to this relationship is all part of the learning process. And you seem like a strong enough person that you’ll be able to move forward if for some reason this does not work out the way you hope.

Relationships are a two way street. They constantly need feeding and nurturing in order for them to flourish. Both people need to be invested. If your man is not willing to give to this relationship now, it’s unlikely he’ll ever be able to. But you’re going to have to figure that one out yourself by talking with him. And be completely honest.

Please keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And feel free to ask any follow up questions.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Divorced woman w/ children dating bachelors in their 40s

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

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Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Dear Guys,

I’m 41 and have been divorced a year . I have two girls ages 7 & 5. Following my divorce I had a relationship with a man who was 43 and never married. That relationship lasted 10 months.

When we broke up my next “fix up” from friends was basically the same guy only he was 40. The first relationship was actually a relationship, but it was obvious he wouldn’t get too close. He lived an hour away so we only saw each other abaout 1-2x a week. The second one lives in my town and has evolved into a “friends with benefits” relationship.

Do all men in their 40s who have never been married have similar relationship issues? Should I simply run from them all? It just seems that is a sign that they aren’t cut out for relationships.

Camille

Dear Camille,

Thanks for your question.

These two guys you’re describing—two guys in their 40s who have never been married—probably behaved exactly the same way when they were in their 20s. Meaning if you had met these two guys twenty years ago you may have had a very similar experience with both of them. And back then, the experience might have even been more frustrating because you would have wondered why they were having commitment issues, and then you’d likely start to question what was wrong with you.

What we’re saying is there are just as many guys in their 20s who are not looking for a committed relationship than in their 40s. But when those particular guys are in their 20s they are mixed in with all the other single guys, so they tend to blend in. By the time the 40 year mark comes around, many guys are married or in long term relationships, which leaves the perpetual single guys to stand out more.

We will admit that this particular demographic is less likely to be looking for a long term relationship, or marriage. But we wouldn’t necessarily characterize them as having “relationship issues.”

What are the reasons a guy might still be single in his 40s?

1. He wants to be single.

2. He is emotionally unavailable. Translation: Self-centered.

3. He doesn’t want the burden of kids. Or family.

4. He is constantly looking for a younger, better looking woman.

5. The opposite gender does not find him attractive. (Could mean physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually)

6. He is very shy.

7. Just hasn’t met the one yet. But wants to.

8. His very serious long term relationship didn’t work out. (The woman had commitment “issues.” Or was emotionally unavailable.)

9. Divorced.

10. Widower

And if each of these groups represents a percentage of the whole, it’s obvious which guys will be interested in a serious relationship and which won’t. And, if our calculations are correct—hold on we’re getting our calculator out…just a moment—that means that around 50% of guys in their 40s would be good possibilities for you to date. (You might need to expand your dating circle a bit.)

Our advice: When you meet someone new take it slow. Talk to them as much as possible and see where their head’s at. Relationships tend to progress faster when people are a little older, so you need to be aware of this and consciously slow things down.

We hope this helps.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section. And we’ll respond here. Also feel free to ask us any specific questions as they arise.

THE GUYS

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Divorced and now online Dating: Am I booty call or more?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Why did we really break up?

Hi Guys,

I’m in the middle of a divorce after 16 years of marriage. It’s been months since I’ve been with anyone. I decided to check out a dating website. I met this very nice looking man. (We are both in our mid 40′s.) It started with small talk and then we decided to meet up for dinner and talk. (It was strange for me.)

Turns out he’s been divorced for 7 years. We both have children and have busy work schedules but, we managed to meet each other and things went well. We said our goodbyes and a few days later we met again, just for a few hours. He came to my place and met my children and we talk and kissed some and that’s as far as it went.

He left town for a couple of days after that but we stayed in contact and he said he wanted to meet up when he got back. And of course, that’s what we did. So for the third date he ended up coming to my place and we had the place to ourselves. We ended up having sex, which by the way he said was nice and thanked me for it? I’ve never had a man tell me that before. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing?

Don’t know what to think or do?

Becky

Dear Becky,

Thanks for your question.

Jumping back into the dating scene after being married for a long time can be confusing on many levels, and maybe even a bit surreal at times. Sometimes the confusion stems from not being clear what the plan is. So what is your plan Becky? What do you actually want from a relationship? We’re not saying that you should know exactly what you want before you begin to date again, we’re just saying that once you figure it out, certain questions will be cleared up.

For example: If you’re just out to have a good time with no strings attached, it wouldn’t matter to you if not everything was clear between you and this guy. Meaning, you’d evaluate the facts only: you had a good time with this man. And you wouldn’t be wondering what he means by thanking you for sex. (Yes, that is a bit “different” but it’s not a bad thing. When is a Thank You a bad thing when the person actually means well?)

But if we really want to get into the nitty gritty of nuance we’d say that his “Thank You” seemed an appropriate thing to say since you did something very intimate together but he doesn’t really know you that well. It’s a response from someone who is trying to acknowledge the disparity between your “interaction” and your relative lack of interactions. Make sense? We think it shows a sense of awareness and caring not often displayed by guys. But it doesn’t mean anything other than that. He’s not necessarily saying he wants to have a relationship, nor is he saying he doesn’t want to see you again. The two of you would actually have to have a discussion about those topics. (If you wanted to that is.)

Our advice to you is figure out what you want out of dating right now. (This will likely change.) Once you figure out what you’re looking for, find someone who wants the same thing. (It could even be this guy?)

But for now, it seems like you’re having a good time. Enjoy it.

Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. (In the comments section here.)

THE GUYS

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Long Distance: I hardly know him, but I’m willing to give it a go

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

________________________

Hi Guys,

About five months ago I met a guy and we ended our night together. It was supposed to be a one night stand because we live in different countries and he was in my town only for one night. But before he left he asked for my e-mail.

We started writing e-mails which got longer every time. For example he sent me a letter one week; I replied to him the next week and he replied the week after and so on.

I tried to keep my feet on the ground and stay realistic because I thought we wouldn’t see each other, but then he said he would love to meet me again.

Finally, two months later he said that he might come to my town for a day or two. At the same time I kind of won a free ticket to his town. So I went there instead.

While I was there, he was so caring and sweet with me. When we were walking around in the city, he held my hand, hugged me in the metro, kissed while we were waiting for the traffic lights to turn green etc. Of course we had sex, too. All this time I felt how much he cared about me.

I stayed there for three days. Some hours before my departure I started to cry several times. I know, so silly of me, but I couldn’t do anything about it. He understood why I was crying and handled the situation well. I said “I’m sorry” and he said there’s no need for me to apologize for that.

When I was back in my town, I sent him an e-mail and said that I enjoyed the weekend a lot and he said he enjoyed it a lot too. After that I didn’t hear from him for a week. Meanwhile I moved to another country because of foreign studies.

I was so surprised that he didn’t wish me a nice trip or even ask how I was doing. And I wrote him an e-mail and said that everything was so nice while I was in his town and I asked him why he hardly contacts me. I wondered out loud if I got the wrong impression from him. He replied immediately and said that I didn’t get the wrong impression and that he likes me a lot, but he’s been very busy at school.

We still send e-mails to each other but he doesn’t say sweet things to me anymore. He’s just friendly and nice, but that’s all.

I don’t want to ask him what he thinks about me and the situation because right now there’s not much potential for a relationship. First off, it would definitely be a long-distance relationship. Second of all, we have only seen each other twice. (The first evening and then our weekend). And third, at the moment we haven’t seen each other for two months and won’t be able to meet again before three months. And I don’t know if he still wants to meet me then.

I know that you know only my version of this story—I tried to put in as little emotions as possible in order to give a good overview of the situation–but I want to meet him again. I would expect him to come to visit me this time, but if he asked me to go and visit him, I would also go.

But I can’t invite myself to his place. Besides I think that if a man really likes a woman, then he should do everything possible to see her. What should I do? Wait for him to visit me or ask me to visit him? Or bring up the subject myself?

I understand perfectly that it wouldn’t be normal to have a relationship, especially a long-distance relationship when we hardly know each other. But I would be ready to give it a try.

I also know that you can’t answer this question, but what do you think, does he want to be just friends with me or something more?

Thanks!

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Thanks for your question.

We understand what you’re asking, but it’s hard to know exactly what this guy is thinking. But we can talk about your situation in the context of long distance relationships in general.

A long distance relationship requires even more effort and more communication than a typical relationship where two people live in the same town or city. Both people need to be 100% on board or they just don’t work.

Your guy seems genuine enough. From what you describe he’s been pretty sweet to you overall. But it also sounds like he’s busy, and either can’t think about much else besides school, or doesn’t want to get involved in a relationship that he doesn’t see as having a future. A long distance relationship is supposed to be a atemporary arrangement as the two people work toward being together in the same location at some point down the road—sooner rather than later. If both parties don’t have that goal in mind then eventually the relationship will fizzle out.

For some guys, a long distance relationship is the perfect situation, especially if they can work it so they don’t have to communicate that often. For these guys a long distance relationship means getting to do what they want most of the time, and then having a woman visit for a “booty call.”

You say you don’t want to say anything to this guy, but you’re probably going to have to at some point if you want answers. We agree that if you tell him how you feel it could end the relationship. But by the same token, is that worse or better than being in the situation you’re in right now? Your gut is telling you something has changed. You’re worried that he really only sees you as a friend now. So instead of fretting about this, and living in a cloud of uncertainty, why don’t you just talk to him?

We agree that he should be the one taking the initiative. He should be the one suggesting visits and coming to see you. Sure, he might be open to having you come to see him, but that doesn’t mean he wants to be in a serious relationship with you. You need to find out from him what he wants. You need to hear him say whether or not he wants to give this a go.

We feel the same way you do about relationships. It’s hard to find someone special. And since you feel like you have, we understand why you want to explore it further. We wish you the best of luck. Please keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Why did we really break up?

Dear Readers,

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Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Guys,

I started dating a guy that was on the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend of two years. He finally broke it off. It was strictly his choice and I asked him not to do it on my behalf. We dated for about 5 months after that and had plans to move in together & eventually move out of state together. Until one day he just told me he wasn’t sure if this was what he wanted. He said he needed to change/find himself & couldn’t do that while in a relationship. In that same breath he stated that the way we hooked up was all wrong.

He still has feelings for his ex but not enough to be with her. His ex is doing well financially. He lost his car and other things after their breakup which leads me to believe that he’s tired of struggling and might benefit more from being with her, even though he said their relationship was beyond repair. I even encouraged him to try to work it out with her before it ended.

He is a very attractive man and gets lots of attention from women. I believe he does not trust himself to be faithful and he does not want to hurt me because he cares about me. I am so confused and have so many unanswered questions as to why he really broke up with me. I blame myself for some of it because I don’t think I satisfied him fully sexually because of my own insecurities. My heart is so sad because I had so much hope for the relationship and he’s a wonderful guy that seems to be fighting some sort of demons.

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so sad about this.

We see this as a timing issue more than anything else. Even though you were generous with your support for him and said all the “right” things to him, he was still coming out of a long and serious relationship. Jumping into a new relationship right away is never a good idea. Regardless of what he said, he needed much more time to process and heal. (So we can see why he still has feelings for his ex. This is totally natural and will continue for some time.)

You seem to be a very caring person who wants to do the right thing. But you’re also too hard on yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Yes, it’s sad, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It’s more than likely he’s still in comparison mode, which means his breakup is too fresh for anyone new to stand up to the test.

Also, sometimes the sex IS amazing when you are with someone new. But sometimes it takes time to for people to get to know one another before the sex gets to that “blow your mind” place. Different people have different timelines for how and when they want to open up. The best sex is sex that is open and uninhibited, where both partners are willing to give themselves over, and do what they can to satisfy their partner. (Both have to feel safe and comfortable of course.) It seems natural to us that you wouldn’t feel completely comfortable giving yourself over to this guy if you weren’t really sure where he stood with you and the relationship. That’s asking a lot of yourself. It’s hard to give when you’re feeling uncertain and vulnerable.

Kelli, try to process what you learned from this relationship and then try to apply the new insights as you move forward into new relationships. And be kind to yourself. You’ll know when you meet the right person because he’ll be someone you can be yourself with. This guy was not him.

THE GUYS

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Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Hey Guys,

So there’s this guy that I’ve known since 3rd grade and we’ve always been really close. He wanted to date me our freshman year in high school but got too scared that it would ruin our friendship and never asked me out. (He still doesn’t know to this day that I know about this.)

I left after sophomore year when we were 16/17 to move to Boston to become a dancer and now I live in NYC. This past summer I came home. It was three years since I last saw him. (We’re now both 20.) When I saw him this summer we caught up hung out a couple times and we ended up sleeping together. I left to come back to NYC in september and we’ve been texting ever since.

Now he’s coming to visit. I’m really nervous and I’m wondering if he’s just coming to the city to see the sites and get laid. Or is he actually coming also to see me? I’m from AZ and he still lives there now so it cost a lot for him to buy a plane ticket to come up here. (He even had to borrow money from his dad.)

Does he actually like me and want to see me or is he just excited to come to the city and possibly getting laid is the icing on the cake? To me, spending all that money and getting off work and stuff says something. But maybe I’m just being a hopeful girl. Also could it turn into something more? I know long distance relationships are hard, but would a guy really be willing to do that? I’m so nervous and confused right now. Please help!

Brittany

Dear Brittany,

Thanks for your question. We can see that you’re nervous. That’s pretty normal. You like this guy and would like to see if things can progress beyond a physical relationship. And of course you hope he feels the same way.

It’s hard to say exactly what his motivation for visiting you is. Sex will absolutely be part of his expectation for the trip. His drive to have sex is so intertwined with his excitement to come see you that he’s probably having difficulty separating the two himself. In fact it’s likely he doesn’t even know exactly what’s driving him, and he won’t know until after the two of you have been intimate. (If that’s what you decide to do, which is up to you of course.)

Assuming you decide to sleep with him, pay careful attention to how he acts right AFTER you have sex—especially the first time. And by “right after” we mean, RIGHT AFTER and for the next 8 hrs. (Meaning, until his libido kicks back in. It’s different for every guy.) If he’s distant, or acts differently, you’ll know he’s probably driven mainly by his interest in sex. If he still is happy to be with you, and wants to go out on the town with you, hold your hand, and spend time with you beyond the confines of your bedroom then you’ll know he’s got more on his mind than getting in your pants.

These next four paragraphs are just general information about guys Brittany. They are for your information and for all of the other women who might be reading this.

Some women believe that making a guy wait for sex is the way you get them to commit. And this may be true for the short term. If a guy wants to have sex with a woman he will do whatever it takes to make it happen, which means acting sweet, giving her presents, and doing all the things that his woman might like him to do. But a guy is still waiting to make his final evaluation until after he has sex with a woman. Meaning, the way he acts BEFORE sex does not determine how he’ll be AFTER sex. For a guy, sex is often needed for him to make a conscious decision about moving forward or not.

But this is tricky. You also can’t secure a guy’s love through sex. So sleeping with a guy to get him to love you or commit to you, will also not work. And in many cases it will push him away. It’s a fine and mysterious balance. We don’t have all the answers.

Finally, wanting sex all the time is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, having a healthy sex life with your partner is a very important piece of an overall healthy relationship. But both parties need to be giving in the bedroom as well. If your guy is not giving in the bedroom this will be a strong indicator of how he is in everyday life.

Bottom line: You have to do what’s comfortable for you. Every relationship is different. But you should never be pressured into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Go with your gut.

Enough on that topic. Moving on.

Yes, guys are willing to try a long distance relationship Brittany. You’ve probably heard that guys are incapable of being faithful in this type of relationship but that’s a crock of crap. It’s just an excuse for guys to be selfish and do whatever they please. Many guys are loyal and faithful. So don’t let that stop you if you believe you and this guy have a chance for something more.

Our advice: Take it slow. Keep your eyes open. Trust your gut. Introduce him to your friends. Listen to your friends’ opinions. And talk to him. Sure we know most people don’t want to show their hand, but in order for a long distance relationship to have any chance at all, it requires a ton of communication from both parties. And when you’re apart, texting is okay, but phone conversations or Skype are best.

Feel free to give us an update and ask us a follow up question. Leave your question in the comments section of this post.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Being Single on Thanksgiving; Is it really so bad?

Is there anything worse than being a Turkey on Thanksgiving?

Probably not, but being single is a close second. But is it?

The biggest problem with being single is that everyone feels sorry for you. On the one hand it’s nice that people are looking out for you. Being alone on a major holiday can be a bummer. But the fact that everyone feels the need to invite you to their home only amplifies the obvious: That you have no place to go to, and no one special in your life to share the holiday with.

But there are advantages to being single on holidays.

1. Sometimes being single, far away from your family, is not such a bad thing. This way you get to avoid the family get together. Because to avoid the family get together also means to avoid the family drama, for which there will always be some. Whether it’s some secret that gets revealed by a drunk uncle who’s had too much wine before the Tryptophan has kicked in and knocked him out, or some thoughtless cousin who makes some rude remark about the food—which causes a huge ruckus in the kitchen and an uncomfortable silence during dinner—there’s always some drama. And who needs it? Because it takes at least two weeks of chocolate and naps to recover from it all.

2. But seeing the drama unfold in someone eles’s family is awesome. There’s certainly something pleasurable in witnessing other families actually have some level of dysfunction too. Even those Perfect Families. So be sure to accept that invite to get your front row seat.

3. You have choices. You’re mobile. You can turkey hop until you find the house with just the right combination of food. You can find the house with the biggest Flat Screen TV to watch the football games, or you can excuse yourself right after dinner without feeling guilty. No one will be angry with you if you leave; they’ll just feel sorrier for you, which you’ll be able to milk for all it’s worth at a later date. Yeah, like Christmas. Bring on the gifts!

4. You can stay home if you’d like. That’s right. Pick up an order of Moo Goo Gai Pan, Beef with Broccoli, and Chicken with Black Bean Sauce at the local Chinese place, and a bunch of video rentals, and spend the day on the couch. (Listen to our Podcast about this very topic. Episode #49 “Nerds & Jocks, Turkey and Funny Women” ) There’s nothing like Chinese food and a movie during a major holiday. Judaism: 101 and Greetings

5. Make up your own holiday. They’ve got to start somewhere. Why not with you? Remember Festivus on Seinfeld?

So if you’re reading this and you’re not single, we ask you to open up your hearts and open up your homes. Because this is the holiday for giving. Just don’t be surprised if your invitation is rebuffed. Single people have choices. And it’s likely they actually have something way more interesting planned than you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Enjoy,

THE “single” GUYS

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I suggested Friends with Benefits (FWB): Did I just dig myself into a hole?

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THE GUYS

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Some recent questions:

I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

Dear Guys,

So after 10 years of crushing hard on my best friend’s brother I finally got my chance. I went and visited him and spent the night. We did “the do” and I went home the next day.

Neither one of us want a relationship but I do have some serious feelings for him. But what I wanna know is what’s going through his mind. Out in public we hang out with each other and talk, we have fun and I enjoy his company very much. But does he enjoy me being around?

When I stayed the night I turned over and faced my back to him. He scooted to me and curled up and put his arm around me. The next morning I tested the waters by scooting close to him. He moved his arm and let me in to lay on him; then put his arm around me. He took pictures of the two of us on my camera and while I was riding the bull he took pics of me on his camera.

I got “antsy” because I didn’t know where I stood with him so I tested the waters yet again and offered a “Friends with Benefits” situation. He said, “Yeah, for sure.”

Now is this like a situation where he’s thinking about only getting laid, or is there something there and this is a way for us to be around each other minus the commitment?

Curiously Screwed

Dear “Curiously Screwed,”

Thanks for your question.

As we were reading your question we were thinking that things were going fairly well between the two of you. That is until we read your last paragraph where you offered this guy a “Friends with Benefits” situation. We think you know what we’re going to say, but here goes anyway.

A guy will almost never turn down an offer like that. Even if he actually wants something more—like a serious relationship. And that’s the biggest problem with a FWB situation. It’s so convenient and as close to risk free as you can get when it comes to sex. (Sex if never totally risk free.) So most guys will jump at the opportunity.

But the problem is you’ve leaped into a situation that won’t give you the answers you’re looking for. That’s the issue. It’s clear you have feelings for this guy beyond sex, and have so for some time. We don’t think you should deny those feelings, which you’re doing by saying you don’t want a commitment. It feels a bit like you’re trying to protect yourself. And when you suggest a “Friends with Benefits” situation, how is he going to think about anything else besides getting laid? He’s not. So yes, in this way you’ve dug yourself into a hole.

Some of this guy’s actions would suggest to us that you’re not just an average “booty call.” But we think you need to backpedal a bit and rescind your offer of FWB. And in doing so tell him how you really feel. (We don’t think you should give it all away, but at least tell him that you’d like to see if this could develop into something more. We just get the sense that that’s what you really want.) And in doing so, hopefully you’ll learn something about where his head’s at.

Is this a risk? Sure it is. But what’s the worst that can happen? Maybe he won’t be interested? But at least you’ll have some information to go forward with. And that’s better than having a nebulous affair that will only frustrate and confuse you, and eventually lead to resentment. And you can always go back to a FWB situation. Like we said, a guy will almost never turn down a ”Friends with Benefits” situation. And that also means reverting back to one. Guys will even do this with an ex-girlfriend, although we don’t recommend that for either party.

Keep us posted, and good luck.

THE GUYS

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I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

Dear Readers,

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THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Hi Guys

My Boyfriend and I have been dating now for about 3 years and 8 months. I think we’ve been really happy with each other. We used to say that we wanted to get married. We planned to have 2 kids and to go and work abroad.

But before I continue let me first tell you about his ex-girlfriend. She was very young when she got pregnant with his baby. There were court cases and they had to give the baby up; so they broke up after being together for two years.

That was 5 years ago, and then we started dating and have been very much in love. We now have a child who is six months old. I found a note on my boyfriend’s phone saying that he thinks that I am only in the relationship because of our son, not because I want to be with him. The relationship is not the same; he is having contact with his ex-girlfriend’s cousin all of a sudden and I am afraid that things are going to get worse.

He always talks about his relationship with his ex: what they did, their experiences; and the way she was. He told me that he can guarantee me that she will never come back to him but he’s hoping maybe their son will. But he never says that he doesn’t want her back, or that he doesn’t have feelings for her. I found out recently that his password is her name and surname. On top of that, he doesn’t touch me anymore unless he wants to have sex. He doesn’t kiss me or hug me. It’s like he is ashamed of me.

What can I do to fix it all so that he will forget about his ex and fall in love with me again? I feel so angry and hopeless.

Please Please Please HELP

Kristen

Dear Kristen,

Thanks for your question.

Having some sort of closure is important for any relationship. (Your boyfriend didn’t get closure with his ex.) It sounds like circumstance tore them apart, rather than their diminished love for one another. Without closure, the question always looms: “Should we still be together?” or “What would life be like if we were still together, raising our baby?” And on top of that, now that they’re older and presumably wiser and more experienced, they are also dealing with sadness and regret, especially regarding their baby.

But this doesn’t mean your boyfriend is still in love with his ex, and that he doesn’t love you. It’s likely he does love you. You’ve built a life together. But the specter of that past relationship haunts him, and makes him wonder what his life might have been like if things had turned out differently.

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel, instead of looking for hints of infidelity? And have you ever sat and talked with him about how he feels concerning the baby he had to give up? It’s possible that he has all these emotions bubbling inside of him with no one to talk to about them. And instead of turning to you—the person closest to him—he might be looking to connect with his ex because they have that shared experience. He also knows you’re probably not “open” to the topic, or you’re threatened by the whole subject.

Maybe you need to do a complete 180 and start discussing these issues that are “in the air” but being ignored? Guys are not just about sex. You say, that’s the only reason he touches you anymore, and that may be true. But that’s not necessarily because he doesn’t find you attractive, or even less likely that he is ashamed by you. More likely, he feels disconnected and that’s the only way he still knows how to connect with you.

So Kristen, you have some work to do. Your relationship is far from over, but the two of you need to get reconnected. He needs to know you care about him; and not just because he’s the father of your child. And he needs to know how much his behavior is bothering you, and that you feel like he’s using you for sex.

There are no guarantees here. Once you open up this can of worms, things could go in many different directions. But we can guarantee that at the very least the two of you will begin to understand each other better, which is essential for any relationship to grow and flourish.

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask a follow up question. We’re pulling for you.

THE GUYS

Relationship Advice: He won’t tell people we’re a couple

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Summer fling or boyfriend?

We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

Is my boyfriend a cheater?

Dear Guys,

I have been seeing/dating/sleeping with this guy for 7 years. I have met his family and friends. He says he loves me.

My problem is, when I ask him for a title for our relationship, he doesn’t answer me. He says for me to tell people what I want, or just avoids answering. I don’t know what this means. I’m confused as to why he can’t at least say, “Tell them we are seeing each other,” or something like that. His friends, my friends, and even his family knows we are a couple. So what’s the probem??

He tells me I can see whomever I want, but if I start to see someone else in one way or another he spoils any hopes of me having a relationship with another man. I want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to shout to the world, “She is mine!!” I try to relax and enjoy us for whatever we are, but I can’t completely because I feel until he claims me OUT LOUD to everyone that we are WE, he is just using me.

What should I do?

Rose Marie

Dear Rose Marie,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, you deserve to be with someone who is proud to say, “She’s mine!”

After seven years if you’re still getting the same non-response to your inquiries then do you really see this changing? And when you couple this with his apathetic attitude about you seeing other people, it doesn’t seem to “add up” to a satisfying relationship. In fact, it’s kind of confusing to us what’s really going on between the two of you.

From what you describe he’s definitely giving you mixed messages. He says he loves you, but then he says it’s okay for you to see other people. (If a guy loves a woman there is no way he’d be okay with his woman seeing someone else. That doesn’t make sense really.) So which is it?

We can’t tell you what to do. You know what’s best for you. But if you really want this situation to change you need to get him talking more. If he won’t discuss this very important issue—one that’s really bothering you—then he isn’t going to be the kind of guy who’s willing to discuss other important issues that arise down the road. A committed relationship is all about solid and open communication. Otherwise prepare for a lifetime of frustration.

Last thing. You seem kind of open to seeing other guys. It seems you’re more focused on being in a committed relationship with a man, rather than this particular man. Maybe this warrants some thought? Meaning, if you’re only not seeing other guys because “this guy” derails every opportunity that comes up, then maybe your heart is wandering for a reason?

Hope this gives you some things to think about. Leave us a follow up question or comment.

Good luck. We hope this works out for you, one way or another.

THE GUYS

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Is my boyfriend a cheater?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Summer fling or boyfriend?

We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

Dear Guys,

I have a nagging gut feeling that my boyfriend cheated on me in the past and has not come clean. We’ve been together for 1.5 years and we live together. Throughout our relationship, my boyfriend has had several moments where he questioned my commitment to him. (Really, it was more like he would stonewall me until I asked what’s wrong about 100 times and then say something to the effect of “I know you cheated I wish you would just admit it!”) I have NEVER cheated on my boyfriend. Not even come close. Yet, it seems that we can’t go an entire month without him having some question about my trustworthiness. And, if it’s not about trustworthiness, it’s about something I did that happened over a year ago that I have long since apologized for. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter how many times I apologize for something, it always comes back later and I feel like it’s pointless to argue with him because the same issues always resurface later.

Recently, my boyfriend told me that during the first month of our relationship, he cheated on me because he thought that I was cheating on HIM. I asked him some clarification questions (i.e., were we living together, when did this happen, etc.) and he got very vague and non-responsive. I was beside myself with hurt, anger, and frustration. After about 3 minutes of us sitting there, he said he was only joking. It didn’t feel like a joke, and I definitely wasn’t laughing, and neither was he. I explained to him my hurt over this “joke” and that I did not find it funny, and he apologized. This is not the first time this has happened. A while back, when he was questioning me AGAIN about my fidelity, he said something to the effect of, “I just want to know if you were with someone else when we started dating, because I was.” Again, when I started having my feelings about it, he took it back and said “I was only JOKING! God, you’re so serious!”

I don’t know how to proceed. My gut tells me something is very wrong, yet I feel powerless to even discuss this with him, as he will deny it no matter what because I have no other evidence than my uneasy gut. I can understand someone making a joke in bad taste, but for him to say that he cheated on me in a manner that seems very serious to me and then say he’s joking without even laughing, I can’t help but feel like he was being honest with me the first time around.

Should I kick him out?

Thanks,

Confused and Anxious

Dear Confused and Anxious,

Thanks for your question.

You have some serious trust issues going on in your relationship—from both sides. You allude to some incident that happened with you, but you don’t clarify. We assume the incident was serious enough—even though it might not have been “cheating”—for him to question your trustworthiness. And as you know, once trust is in question, it becomes very difficult to be in a relationship, because without trust there is no relationship.

We have no idea whether or not he cheated on you. But we do always say, “Trust your Gut.” (Watch our video on this topic.) You would know better than we do about whether he’s dabbling beyond the four walls of your apartment. However, we can say that sometimes a person will cheat if they think their partner is cheating. They say to themselves, “I might as well beat them to the punch. I’ll hurt them if they’re going to hurt me.” It’s up to you to figure out whether or not he was joking. (We agree. This is in bad taste. Not the best way to conduct yourself in a loving, committed relationship.) But some people never get over being hurt. It could be that he wants to trust you, but something in his gut tells him not to as well.

So our suggestion: Both of you need to totally come clean in order for this to work. You two need to start over. Rewind. Forgive, if there’s something to be forgiven about. And move on. If you can’t do this, then it’s time to truly move on from each other.

How do you do this?

Start talking. And if you can’t figure out how to do that, then go see a professional. (Couples counselor) But it all starts with honest and open communication. Otherwise, this back and forth—you did this, you did that—negativity will continue in perpetuity.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks.

We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Summer fling or boyfriend?

Dear Guys,

So, there’s this guy. We’ve known eachother since we were ten (we’re seventeen now), and have been more or less friends since we met. Our families are good friends, so we see each other a lot. I’m close friends with his siblings (older and younger) as well as him.

Anyways, three or so years ago everyone was talking about how he really liked me, and he actually did since he told people. I had had a “crush” on him before, but nothing had ever come of it since I had a boyfriend at the time. People eventually stopped talking about it. After my boyfriend and I broke up last summer though, he started always being around. He would always make a point to come over and talk to me; he emailed me constantly and was always teasing me. He also stared at me all the time, etc., and we got really close. I kinda started liking him again. Then his sister said she was pretty sure he still had feelings for me. So I spent a while thinking about how I felt—I wanted to be sure my feelings for him weren’t just a rebound—and decided that I really did like him a whole lot rather than because I had just broken up. So I kinda flirted back with him a bit, and it was fun. We weren’t quite best friends, but we were really pretty close and talked about a lot of stuff.

This went on for like eight or nine months, but this summer it just stopped. Now I might be standing right next to him at a party and he will hardly talk to me or look at me. I’ve even tried to start a conversation a couple times, but he just gave monosyllabic answers so I gave up. This went on for three months. We even had to ride in a car for three hours with two other people and he would pointedly talk to everyone except me. Nobody knew why he was being like that, and he didn’t do it to anyone else. So I tried to get over him since he was being so weird for no apparent reason. But I still like him.

Then in August he started talking to me again, but not really. Like, if we’re standing together we’ll make polite small talk, and he’ll make eye contact with me again, but he never goes out of his way to communicate with me, and when we have to communicate via email or text, he gives real short answers and doesn’t seem to really want to talk. Normally I would think that this means that he obviously is not into me, but a lot of times I’ll look up and he’ll be staring at me. And there have been a couple times when we’ll be in a group and he’ll say something funny and when I start laughing we’ll make eye contact and hold it for a really long time… stuff like that. I’ve talked to one of his older brothers and one of his younger sisters (two of my really close friends) and they both seem to think that there’s a really good chance, but neither of them know for sure. I don’t get it at all.

So I guess what I’m asking is what is ya’lls perspective on why he might have stopped talking to me all of the sudden, and why is he acting so weird?? Am I seeing what I want to see even though he really doesn’t want to even be friends, or does he still have feelings for me?

Thanks a ton!

~Rose

Dear Rose,

Thanks for your question.

Actually it seems to us that he does like you but no longer knows how to act around you. He’s lost his easy going demeanor because he is uncertain how you feel about him. So instead of telling you how he feels, he does the opposite, and ignores you. This is like the elementary school boy who throws snowballs at the girl he likes because he wants her attention and doesn’t know how to express himself. Your friend sounds inexperienced.

However, the fact that your families are close does make the situation a bit more complicated. We can see why he might not want to let his feelings be known. If you don’t reciprocate then he’s left in a very uncomfortable position.

So what should you do? Well, Rose, that’s up to you. If you feel comfortable being the initiator then go for it. But if you don’t—which we totally would understand—you’ll have to drop some serious hints to let him know that you might be open to something more than just friends. And maybe, if they are willing, you can get his brother and sister to help you?

If in fact he doesn’t like you, and our interpretation is off, then frankly, you’re better off moving on to be with someone who’s going to be more straightforward about his feelings. AND with someone who is able to express himself.

But good luck. We hope it works out for you. Please keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Summer Fling or Boyfriend?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

He asks ME to call HIM

Hi Guys,

I just finished university this year and a guy who I had a class with in first semester (Sept-Dec) started messaging me out of the blue back in April just “to say hi.” I was really surprised to hear from him because it was so random, but I did respond and we continued to chat via Facebook until about June. We kept trying to make plans but all the work at the end of the semester it was too much for either of us to get together!

He had a big get together with a lot of his friends on the night of our convocation and he invited me to come out for it. There was a lot of people there but we ended up sitting by ourselves chatting. He also introduced me to his friends when they came over to talk with us. He was supposed to be going away for a month shortly after graduating and while he was gone I was leaving for another two months to travel. Because of that, even though I was interested in him, I didn’t think anything substantial would really develop between us. We have really good chemistry and we had a really fun night and ended up hooking up, which I of course now totally regret.

As it turned out, he ended up breaking his leg and he wasn’t able to go away. So because he didn’t end up leaving he continued to call/text me to hang out. I wasn’t always able to (so I wasn’t always available) and he was pretty consistent and I guess we fell into some sort of ‘friends with benefits’ relationship without me really thinking about what I really wanted. I figured that while I was traveling we would just lose contact.

Just before I left, he texted me that he would miss spending time with me and that he really enjoyed seeing me, which I really appreciated, and I told him that I’d miss him too. While I was gone we still stayed in touch through email and Facebook, which was really nice. We were both pretty consistent about staying in contact.

I came back almost three weeks ago and as soon as he knew I was back he messaged, texted, and called me immediately! I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship I wanted with him—FWB, boyfriend or just platonic—and I did want to talk to him about that, but I was kind of afraid to because I do remember in a conversation we had once he mentioned that he wasn’t sure if he was good boyfriend material. He does confide a lot of very personal info with me and that came up in passing. So at any rate, I haven’t had that conversation with him as of yet. Since I’ve been back we’ve been in pretty regular contact but it feels different, more complacent now. He doesn’t call as much and he tends to stick with texting.

He’s doing his PhD at the moment so he’s pretty swamped with school and he’s not going out as much as he was in the summer. But recently he did go to an event that he told me about but didn’t invite me to. It wasn’t something where tickets had to be bought well in advance because he was trying to get an extra ticket for one of his friends on the day of. I know he’s pretty good friends with his best friend’s girlfriend and sometimes he’ll hang out with her. (I’m quite positive they have a platonic relationship – he’s very loyal to his guy friends so I don’t think there’s intimacy between him and this other girl – she’s crazy about her boyfriend.) So I think in part he might not have asked me to go with him because he might have been going with her already.

I don’t usually initiate getting together with him because he usually does the initiating but since I’ve been back I’ve only seen him twice despite still at least texting each other almost every day. And the last time I hung out with him I initiated the get together. And it was because I’m in the process of moving and I needed a place to crash, and he said I could stay with him. But that night when I was staying with him I was beginning to wonder if he was going to get bored with our relationship and it would fizzle out. I usually just go to his place and hang out with him there when I do see him. So in that regard he isn’t putting as much effort in anymore.

Two friends and I are having a joint birthday party in a couple weeks and so of course I sent out a FB invite to him for the event. (A lot of people are invited, so it is pretty casual.) He said (via text) that it sounded like a night not to be missed.(Implying that he would attend.) But on the FB RSVP he still hasn’t responded and I’m wondering if he is not wanting to commit, or if he’s waiting for something better. I know he’s been online and he knows about the event but hasn’t responded.

So… I’m confused. He seems to be interested in me, he continues to be in contact with me, I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else on the side. (I can pretty much come over when I want, so long as he’s not in class.) And I know he cares about me—he’s told me, and he’s very affectionate with me; he kisses me repeatedly on the forehead & cheek when we’re lying in bed together; and he will hold my hand in public. But on the other hand, I almost wonder if he’s keeping me in the shadows of his life. I’ve only been back a few weeks and I don’t think I’ve given us enough time to really assess the nature of our relationship, especially considering he’s doing his PhD, and I do know he’s swamped. But things are different than before.

What should I make of him?? I’m trying to just let him chase me but at the same time I wonder if he’s bored. If he’s bored wouldn’t he just stop contact completely?

Thanks!

Alice

Dear Alice,

Thanks for your note.

We don’t think the question is whether or not he’s bored. Guys don’t get bored from hanging out and having sex. In fact, a guy could easily stay in a “hang out and have sex” type of relationship for years, especially if he was busy with his career or studies. The problem with this type of arrangement—or we should say, one of the many problems with this type of arrangement—is that it typically never goes anywhere. The guy gets lazier and lazier over time, and starts making less effort to do more than the status quo, and consequently the woman gets more and more frustrated and confused. Eventually it kind of just fizzles away.

Don’t panic yet, Alice. Your situation hasn’t reached these proportions, but it’s headed there fast. We’re sure you’ve read these books that lay out certain rules that women and men should follow when starting a relationship. And while they certainly apply in some cases, each situation is different. In your case, the time to let him do the pursuing is over. You’ve known him over a year, been “hanging out” with him over six months, and you’re still in the exact same place, except now you want to know what’s going on. Well, we can’t blame you.

It’s time to have THE CONVERSATION. Yes, the dreaded conversation that defines what you have together. As uncomfortable as this may be, you need to get some answers from him, otherwise this situation will go on interminably. Because what motivation does he have to change it? He’s pretty much getting what he wants: a nice diversion from his busy life with a sweet and pretty girl. And in fact, the more we think about it the more this guy sounds like a possible player. His comment early on to you—”I’m not really boyfriend material.”—speaks volumes about where he’s at, and it really set the table for the type of arrangement you’re currently in with him.

And this thought just struck us: There’s a big difference between a relationship and an arrangement. One is robust and full of life, and the other is all business. You need to find out which one you’re in. Stop worrying about what he wants, and whether or not he’s going to get bored, and start focusing on what you want. You may not even know exactly what that is until you talk with him. You deserve some answers Alice, but the only way you’re going to get them is to talk to him.

Good luck. We’re hoping this works out the way you want it to. But if not, every relationship you have will better inform you for the future. Just remember to be clear about what makes YOU happy and satisfied.

THE GUYS

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Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

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Some recent questions:

This girl is driving me mad

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Hey Guys,

I’m a sophomore and I really like this senior guy too. He asked me to Homecoming, and he’s always texting me. He came over to dinner and even met my embarrassing parents. (I’m still surprised he’s semi-interested in me after meeting them). I sat next to him on a bus ride to one of our sports’ meets, and I listened to his music and he even let me lean on his shoulder to fall asleep. He said I’m nice, pretty, and beautiful, but it seems like I’m annoying him sometimes when we text. It seems like he doesn’t really want to talk to me very much. What do I do???

Mia

Dear Mia,

Thanks for your question. So have you already gone to the Homecoming Dance? It’s been close to a month since you wrote to us. If you have, you probably already have a lot more information about the situation.

To us it seems clear he’s into you. He wouldn’t have asked you to Homecoming if he wasn’t. But the question is more about, “HOW” he’s into you, or WHY? Meaning, does he like you because you are beautiful on the outside, or does he really want to get to know you as a person?

On the positive side, he passed the “parent test.” He was able to tolerate your parents, even if they were embarrassing you. (Isn’t that what parents are supposed to do??) What did your parents think of him?

On the flip side, the fact that he gets annoyed by your texting makes us wonder what his intentions are. Here’s a little excerpt from one our videos: Dating an older guy (Keep in mind that this is tongue and cheek, but there’s truth to it.)

Quote:

If you’re under the legal age—which means you’re in high school— you should not be dating an older guy…period. Most freshman and sophomore boys are harmless enough because they are paralyzed by breasts, walking around like zombies carrying their books in front of their privates hiding what’s obvious to everyone around them. But junior and senior guys are more savvy. Their confidence is attractive to you, but that’s why you need to stay far away. They are like just born nomadic vampires with hypnotic powers they can’t control. You might think you’re mature enough to handle them but you’re not. These guys, no matter how cool they seem, are interested in you for one thing, and we hope you’re at least old enough to guess what that is.

End Quote

You see our point Mia. We’re not saying all senior guys are like this, but this is certainly something to consider. But rest assured, he’s definitely attracted to you.

Good luck and feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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What is going on in my marriage? I am confused and tormented

Dear Readers,

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Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

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This girl is driving me mad

Dear Guys,

I married my husband about 18 months ago. We had only been together for 6 months when he proposed – he tells me he was “so in love with me” and he was the first man I dated after a 12 year marriage. Two months after we got engaged, I got pregnant. We still got married and had our daughter. Unfortunately, the month before our daughter was born his “friends” started being rude etc (calling me out on public social networks) because he had a fight with them. I apparently was the cause. When our daughter was born he went to the “friends” begging for their forgiveness – I felt betrayed that he would do that to me. I told him this and he said that I was being ridiculous and dismissed my concern. He no longer talks to them. (By his choice)

We have had a number of issues since January of this year:

a) He closed his company and is no longer earning the same amount as before. I am now carrying the burden of “our” joint debt as well as having to pay for his car payments, insurance etc

b) He works any and all hours that are available and leaves me raising our kids. I have to pretty much beg him to help.

c) A month ago I found condoms in an overnight bag. I asked him about it and he was very very upset and angry with me. Asking me how could I ever accuse him of cheating on me. A week later, I found a condom in his console of his truck while helping him look for something. I was so hurt and upset and figured that maybe our marriage was done. He threatened me that “there would be no turning back.” A week after that incident that condom is missing. (I put money in console and noticed it was missing.) When he found out I knew, he told me that he threw it out because I was so upset. But he hasn’t gotten rid of the condoms in the overnight bag? I am totally confused. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else and he got very hurt and upset with me. He tells me that I should know and how could I even imagine that? He tells me that if I don’t trust him then we have serious problems.

d) Our sex life doesn’t exist. We have had sex twice in the last 2 months. When I ask him about it, he blames it on: the fact that he is tired, I don’t make an effort in any way (either appearance wise with the appropriate lingerie), and I don’t make any gestures that I am interested. We never have had “a lot of sex” since we dated. In the prime of our relationship it might have been once a week maximum. He then tells me that he is disappointed because I tease him and tell him that I might go out and get lingerie.

e) I mention to him about counseling and he tells me that “if we need counseling then we have SERIOUS marriage issues”… He then tells me that we don’t.

f) I ask him if he loves me and he gets very upset and angry- telling me that he would do anything for me and our daughter and he is tired of having to keep on telling me. He tells me that he loves me more than life itself and that I’ll ever know.

g) He reminds me of how I have changed – I don’t make lunches for him etc

h) He gets angry if I call him at work – Tuesday night when I called to ask him when he would be home (he left at 8:30am and when I called him it was 9pm) “when he was tired.”

So, if he loves me why is he doing this?????

Lola

Dear Lola,

Thanks for your question. We’re not sure what he’s actually doing? Or is it what he’s not doing? Let’s try and figure this out.

We can see how you’d be suspicious, but finding condoms in his truck or his overnight bag is not enough to incriminate him. Were they always there and you just never noticed them? Was this overnight bag something he used to bring to your place? Sometimes guys have old condoms lying around just out of habit. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating. (We’re not saying the possibility isn’t there, what we’re saying is, in order to answer this question we’re going to take him at his word. It’s up to you whether you do. And you would know that better than us. But everything we say here is based on taking him at his word.)

Let’s start with the sex. It’s very common for a couple’s sex life to decrease a bit once life consumes them. If you only had sex once a week in your prime courting time, it only makes sense for you to be having even less sex now. Also, your husband is now working odd hours, you also have a kid, and you have bills to pay. By the end of the day he’s probably wiped out and possibly overwhelmed with trying to foot his share of the load. It only makes sense that he’s not that interested in sex. Also, if you’re constantly asking him to prove his love and loyalty that’s probably contributing to his general lack of interest.

FYI: Many guys have a higher libido in the morning. Any chance you can rearrange your day and make this happen? With so much on your collective plate, you might need to mix it up a bit. Get creative. Try new things, new times of the day, new places, etc.

If your husband truly loves you like he says he does then your constant mistrust of him, AND his love, is seriously undermining your relationship. (We don’t know him, so once again we’ll take him at face value.) It can get tiring to have to prove to someone over and over how much you love them. And in your case it’s more a reflection of your own insecurity rather than his lack of love. We do agree with you that counseling, or seeing someone as a couple so you can voice your feelings, might not be a bad thing, but at the same time, it’s pretty typical that guys will be resistant to this sort of thing, especially if he doesn’t understand why you don’t trust him.

The only way you can make this work is to start trusting him Lola. And if you don’t trust him then you need to rethink your commitment to him and the relationship. But until you know for sure that he’s doing something unsavory, we think you need to do everything you can to hold up your end of the relationship. And then of course it’s up to him to do the same.

We do wish you the best and hope you can work this out. We don’t like to see families break apart.

THE GUYS

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He’s not willing to commit; Where is this going?

Dear Readers,

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This girl is driving me mad

Hi Guys,

I have been in a relationship with the same man for 7 years. We have a 3 year old and I love both of them more than anything.

My quetion is, will he ever commit? He says when he is ready he will ask me to marry him and that I need to accept that. But he has said he won’t be ready for at least another 2 years. I am worried that he doesnt’ love me like he used to. His priorities are #1 work,2 our daughter,3 the dog,4 friends,5 beer,6 porn,7 hanging out with neighbors,8 sex,9 sex with me, 10 me. I do not know what to do.

I do everything for him cook,clean, laundry, start sex,make his plate for dinner, make him lunch, teach our daughter, take care of the dog etc.. And when I asked him what he thought his responsibilities were he told me he does the money making and that should be enough.

Just last night I tried to have sex with him I started things because he was watching porn on TV so I figured he was in the mood. He turned me down, kept watching, and eventully changed the channel and fell asleep.

What doe this mean?

Kaylee

Dear Kaylee,

Thanks for your question.

The father of your child has checked out emotionally and this has thrown your relationship into a major rut. On the plus side, at least he has a job and cares about his child. (Many people who check out of relationships, check out completely. He hasn’t done that. Yet.)

But, your relationship is definitely gravitating towards the danger zone. Meaning, if a spark isn’t lit soon the fire may fizzle completely. Your definitely have some valid concerns, but from our point of view you’re enabling him by letting him think his responsibilities stop with making money. We’re not sure where he got that line from—actually we can guess—but it certainly wouldn’t fly in a high percentage of modern households. Times have changed, and men and women are often sharing all responsibilities revolving around the kids and the home. Sure it’s never exactly even, and if he’s working long hours then maybe he gets a pass for some of it, but he doesn’t get a pass to sit around and watch porn while you suffer from his lack of caring.

But what bother us more is the fact that he’s not even willing to have a conversation about it. Successful relationships involve solid communication where couples can air their concerns without being completely shot down and shut down. Your job is to figure out how to get him to hear your point of view.

We’d start by trying to reignite the romantic piece of the relationship. Maybe get a babysitter and actually go out on a few dates. Try to remember why the two of you got together in the first place. You two need to start connecting in some other ways besides sex. However, we wouldn’t be surprised if this is not easy. He might need a not so gentle push to get him up off the couch. But if he’s unwilling to work with you on the relationship then you need to ask yourself a few questions.

What am I getting from this relationship?

And how far am I willing to go to get what I need?

This may sound selfish, but it’s not. A relationship needs to be gratifying and satisfying for both parties. Marriage may be what you ultimately want, but our guess is, if he was a more agreeable and giving partner you might not feel so anxious about it.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

This girl is driving me mad

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

THE GUYS

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The Duality of Men

Hey Guys,

This has been bothering me so I thought an outside opinion may help. I have known this girl for about two years. And six months ago it started to get more serious. We started hanging every day and a couple months after that we had sex. Everyone who knows is all congratulating me but I feel like it didn’t mean or change anything. And now that school has started back up and things like the ACT are looming we don’t spend as much time together, which is normal except now, for the past few days I hear about how everyone sees her with her ex and it looks like they are dating.

I don’t really know what to do cuz this dude is starting drama I don’t need, and this girl doesn’t want to date me. (She says she would but she doesn’t want a boyfriend.) I care about her a lot but I am just confused.

Am I being played? Should I wait it out? I don’t know please help.

Dom

Dear Dom,

Thanks for your question.

So we’re not completely sure of all the details, but our best guess is, over the summer the two of you consummated your relationship, but without talking much about it. (We’re assuming you only had sex one or two times.) In fact, is it possible both of you actually avoided defining the relationship?—her because she didn’t want to be in one and you because you were uncertain of where she stood. And now that school is started up again, still not having talked about it, she is hanging out with her ex and you are left wondering.

According to some of the younger guys on our crew, high school is still about “going out” with one person rather than dating around. And if this girl is saying she doesn’t want a relationship with you, even after the two of you have had sex, it seems pretty clear that she’s not interested in more than a friendship and an occasional romp in the hay. It is pretty atypical that this girl would have sex with you and then not want to at least talk about a relationship with you, but she hasn’t wavered from that decision so it seems pretty clear that she in fact does not want to be tied down. (Unless she’s lying to spare your feelings and she really isn’t interested in you at all. That is something you should consider. And if that is what’s going on, yes, she might be playing you, and actually already dating her ex.) Either way, the message seems the same to us: She’s moved on.

The only way to be sure is to tell her how you feel and ask her directly what she’s really feeling. Of course if you do that, the drama will begin—with her, AND this other guy—and we’re not so sure much will come of it except more confusion for you. But it’s up to you.

One note: Many people, especially young people, think that sex leads to commitment. But in fact it’s the other way around. Sex is even better when it comes after commitment.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. You might enjoy our last article, “The Duality of Men.”

Listen to our relationship advice blitz!

Dear Readers,

We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

Listen to our podcast, Episode #47 to hear our first ever “Ask the Guys Blitz!” We challenged ourselves to answer ten of your questions in twenty minutes. Listen to see if we met our goal.

Here are the questions we answered:

From Sarah: My younger man turned ugly

From Just so Confused: I need constant communication and he doesn’t

From Emilie: Will he come back?

From Laulena: Will we ever be more than friends?

From Paula: Will his career always be more important than me?

From John: My girlfriend said she needs space before getting back together

From Ruka: Does my older guy just want sex?

From Liz: He doesn’t want a long distance relationship; What now?

From Shamika: Lending my boyfriend money

From Sam: Should I move to be with him?

If you have a question of your own leave us a note. Or give us a call at: 347-855-GUYS. (4897)

Friends with Benefits: Why Me?

Dear Readers,

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion, Join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

Military relationship: What do I do?

Dear Guys,

Okay, so I have this guy friend, and we’ve been friends for about 5 years now. Over the course of the 5 years I’ve always had a little crush on him. He’s always been flirty with me but I never thought anything of it because I was unsure if he was just a flirty guy, or if he liked me. I just assumed he was a flirty guy to spare my feelings.

Well, up until now we’ve never been single at the same time. He sent me a text the other day basically asking if I wanted to add sex into our friendship. While I am all for having “no strings attached sex” I am a little confused as to why he would ask ME for that. He knows other women, so why bother asking me? We have conflicting schedules with work so the likelihood of us really having sex often is slim.

Is this his way of trying to get closer to me? Thanks for the advice!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

Your friend asked you for sex because feels comfortable with you, and he knows you well enough to know it will be an easy arrangement with no drama. However, this does not mean we (THE GUYS) think this is a good idea. In fact the first thing that came to our minds when we read your question was: be careful and proceed with caution.

His proposal almost sounds like a business proposal to us; except that a physical relationship with someone, especially a long time friend, is ripe for disaster. And since it sounds like you have actual romantic feelings for him, this could get confusing pretty quickly. Let’s be clear Sarah: He isn’t trying to begin an actual relationship with you that might progress towards something serious; he’s asking you for sex. The two couldn’t be more different. Sure, this does mean he’s attracted to you—although guys will have sex when they can get sex— but it also says something else is missing for him, otherwise he might actually be asking you out on a date.

Only you will know if you feel comfortable and strong enough to go forward with this arrangement. It’s your decision obviously. But please think long and hard before you embark on a path that you’ll never be able to reverse.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

He’s a musician: Is he worth the wait?

Dear Readers,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

Military relationship: What do I do?

Hey Guys,

I need your advice. So four years ago I met a good friend of mine online. My friends were playing with my Myspace profile and they added his band. They convinced me to start talking to him; he lives in Montreal, Canada, and I live in Chicago.

To be honest I didn’t think that our friendship would last this long. And I always figured if we stopped talking to each other life would go on as if we never met. During those four years I’ve seen his fan base grow and his bandmates grow into these amazing musicians. They have toured in China, Japan, India, London, and France. And they were even featured in a Final Fantasy soundtrack. He’s amazing, kind, very talented, considerate; he’s all these good things. And we have a great friendship. So when he said we wouldn’t be able to talk as much because of his band I was okay with it. He seemed like he didn’t want to stop our communication, and he seemed sad. But I told him “Do what you gotta do and I’ll be here when you’re done.” A few months later I figured out I really liked him.

I went to go see his band play in the Canadian Music Week in Toronto on March of this year. Every chance he got to touch me he did. But here is the problem as much as I like him, but he is just so confusing. And to be honest it’s starting to piss me off. (From The Guys: We’re going to shorten this.) He gives me mixed signals. He tells me I’m the most amazing woman in the world and I should never change, but when he talks to other people it’s just business. Sometimes he can be the most romantic person in the world, but then will call me “Little Sister.”

The last time I told him I was dating someone he didn’t talk to me up until my birthday. I dropped my friend’s camera and said “Julian is going to kill me.” He looks the other way and his tone changes from a happy one to a sad one and he says, “Julian?” So I decided to write him a love letter to tell him I like him. I sent it but he’s never said anything about it. I sometimes think he likes me, but I don’t know. I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart says he’s the one, and that I should wait for him, have patience, but my head and friends tell me I’m stupid for having any hope of being with him. I’m starting to think the same thing.

What do you think? Is he worth the wait? Or should I move on…

Thanks for the help,

Rogue

Dear Rogue,

Thanks for your question. We understand your confusion. Of course we wish we had a little more information. One important piece of information you omitted was your age. (So we’re going to guess. We’ll assume you’re in your early 20s. Maybe he’s slightly older. Mid to late 20s?)

It seems like all our women friends have a story similar to yours, where they fell for some guy in a band, and thought he was “the one,” only to find out they were “one” of many. Of course having said that, we do know of one situation that did develop into an actual relationship. And we are happy to report that this couple actually got married. But typically these types of relationships don’t get beyond the flirting stage.

Keep in mind too that he’s made his band a priority. (We’re not saying he shouldn’t; we’re just stating the facts.) And part of being in a successful band is being free to say YES to any opportunity that arises. The other piece is to slowly expand your fan base at the grassroots level. You see where we’re going with this don’t you? Flirting with girls at every stop is one way of expanding the fan base. We’re not saying he’s not attracted to you, but we are saying that his primary focus is his band, and everything he’s doing, and thinking about is related to his band. And in some ways it has to be. But even having said all of that, if he was actually interested in you beyond flirting—unless you are not of age— he would already be pursuing you regardless of whether or not he was touring with his band. So since he’s not, there are only two reasons for this.

1. He wants to be free to “capitalize” on the band’s burgeoning popularity, and mix with the locals as he hops from city to sin city.

2. He’s not interested.

You can take your pick, but neither scenario is great. So sadly we’re voting with your friends on this one. (You should watch our video on this very topic: Listen to your friends)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Military relationship: What do I do?

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Some recent questions:

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

Dear Guys,

So, I reconnected with a guy from high school. He is in the Marine Corps. He Facebooked me and we ended up talking ALL NIGHT on the phone; it was amazing. He said, “I really hope this doesn’t stop.” And he told me he really liked me. Today I noticed there was something wrong. He called me and he just said, “I REALLY DO LIKE YOU and would love to be in a relationship but I am really insecure about it all.” He has been burned a lot in the past and being in the military is hard. He overthinks things and thinks that the worst will happen with us. He sounded really sad and kept saying he really does like me but he’s scared and said he doesn’t want to try “us” because he feels like he needs to find middle ground within himself. I know he is way overthinking it and we really did have an awesome connection. I talked to him about it and he said I really have to think …I need to get off the phone.

I let him hang up; he sounded so sad. I really like this guy….what do I do??

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for writing to us.

Yes, this guy does seem confused and tormented, but possibly also practical. He knows how difficult it is to juggle his military service, and a committed relationship. Your recent connection reminded him of this fact.

It’s clear he likes you, and probably felt your connection was special, and now he’s afraid. This is ironic in some ways because here’s a guy who understands danger, and the fear associated with it. He’s probably learned throughout his military service how to deal with his fear and channel it to help him overcome whatever trials he’s faced with. But in the relationship department he seems inexperienced, or at least not clear on how to make them work.

So in this case the burden falls on you—if it’s what you really want of course— to help him see how different your connection is from his past relationships. It’s your job to hold his hand through the initial stages of your relationship, so he feels secure and confident and willing to move forward. This approach takes a strong and confident person, because in some ways you’re the one who’s taking all the risks.

Once the relationship gets to a solid place, it should begin to balance out. However, if the burden continues to fall on you as time goes on, you may need to rethink the relationship. You don’t want to commit to a relationship where you’re doing all the heavy lifting. At some point you’ll begin to feel resentful, and it only goes downhill from there.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

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Some recent questions:

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Dating an older guy: What are we?

If actions speak louder than words, what happened?

This guy’s actions are confusing

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Hello Guys

My boyfriend is Indian and I am a Chinese/Indian girl. We have been going out for 5 months. He does not hide our relationship from friends on Facebook, but he hides it from his family members. He told me his family members know about us, but his mother got mad at him for posting photos of the two of us just smiling together and having lunch together. Since his mum got mad at him, he’s hid his relationship status on Facebook so he won’t get into any more trouble.

What should I do? And what does this tell you?

Thank you!

Kindest regards,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question. But our question to you is: What does this tell YOU?

As we’ve said in previous posts, hiding a relationship is usually a big red flag. Read this previous post. In your case it sounds like your guy cares about you, but if he’s succumbing to pressure from his mom—enough to remove his relationship status from Facebook so he won’t upset his family—we don’t see this boding well for the future.

Typically guys with a little bit of a backbone stand up immediately to their parents and say, “This is the woman I love and the woman I plan on being with. So get over to it.” Your guy isn’t doing this. In fact he’s afraid of getting in trouble. We’re not sure what that’s all about? If he’s old enough to be in a serious and committed relationship he’s old enough to stand up for himself. Sure, we realize there are certain expectations for him to marry an Indian girl, probably of his parents’ choosing, but he still should be making his own decisions about his life. If he’s not going to do this then you need to ask yourself if you want to be with a guy whose parents are going to dictate what decisions he makes in his life.

We think you need to start assessing and asserting what you want, and what you need. It’s best to do it sooner rather than later. If the relationship continues, you don’t want to feel resentful down the road that you no longer have a “voice” in any decisions.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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He talks about having sex with my friends

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Some recent questions:

Dating an older guy: What are we?

If actions speak louder than words, what happened?

This guy’s actions are confusing

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Dear Guys,

I’m 26 and my boyfriend of three years is 23. He is a great guy and we get along great. We have a house together and a life. Everything between us is 50/50. I don’t really have a lot of time to hang out with friends and to be honest I have lost touch with most of my friends over the last few years. Mainly we hang out with his friends which I consider to be my friends as well.

Lately I have been having real issues with his mouth when he is drinking, and hanging out with his buddies. The guys are all between 21-27 years old. They all love to talk about boobs! It does not seem to matter to them that there are girls around, they just talk about how great boobs are and also talk about other girls too. I didn’t let it bother me too much because I know boys will be boys but it started to really get to me when he was drunk one night and started talking about having sex with one of my friends. (Of course he said with me there too.) He was listing my friends and telling me to ask them if they were interested. He said, “I could tell that she wanted me.” He was not kidding around either. He said to me, “What? Do you expect that I won’t ever have sex with anyone else?”

Anyway the next day I didn’t even bring it up because I was sure he would not even remember. To be honest this is a BIG reason I don’t bring my friends around. I’m afraid to give him ANY opportunity to screw around on me! I have a hard time trusting and so does he. The other night while we were drinking and talking we were trying to figure out who could go with us to Cedar Point next week. I asked my 25 year old cousin to go with us. (Female) She said that she would and when I told the guys including my boyfriend, he asked me how big her boobs were!! I was so upset. He says it like it’s no big deal. It makes me feel like crap, and he always asks why I never invite my friends over or anything? Yeah I wonder why?!?! If I did, he’d be thinking of sleeping with them.

How do I bring this up to him without making myself feel worse? He is so young at times that he is hard to talk to. I know most of it is drunk talk, but its sticks with me all the time, and not just when we have a few drinks. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m jealous, or just not trusting, or crazy, or overreacting! What do I do? I feel a rage coming on with this and I think one day I’m gonna snap when he is acting like this and make an ass of myself in front of people.

Brandy

Dear Brandy,

Thanks for writing to us. We’re glad you asked us this question. A lot of our readers will be interested in this topic; and it’s a question we don’t get often because it’s not easy to talk about.

Sure your boyfriend at 23 is young, but that’s no excuse for treating you with such disrespect. Sure he drinks, but that’s still no excuse for discussing his fantasy threesomes with you. In fact we can’t see any excuse for his behavior.

You’ve been worried that maybe you’re overreacting, 0r overly jealous, or maybe crazy. Here’s a good test. How would he feel if you were sizing up the guys in the room and discussing it with him? How would he like it if you said you didn’t plan on being faithful to him? We don’t think he’d be too thrilled, especially since you mention he has trust issues. So we can see why you’re not either.

So how do you solve this problem? Have you tried having a heart-to-heart with him, telling him how his words and actions make you feel? Have you talked to him about what you need out of the relationship? If you haven’t, you need to soon. It might help, or it might not, but you need to do this in private before you snap in public.

What’s painfully clear to us is: He doesn’t know how to be in a committed relationship. Because a person who is committed to another person doesn’t talk about being with other people. Please don’t make excuses for him, or you’re going to find yourself feeling more and more frustrated. And that frustration will soon swell to anger and resentment.

So why are you trying so hard to make it work with this guy? Maybe you love him, but what are you getting from him? You deserve to be with someone who is faithful, loving, and respectful. You should be able to trust the man you’re with. You shouldn’t settle for anything less. And we’re just not sure he’s ready to be in a relationship at this point in his life.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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If actions speak louder than words, what happened?

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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Long distance relationship: Follow up question

This guy’s actions are confusing

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Dear Guys,

I’ve read the answer to the question “Break up confusion: Will he come back?” And in the part you said, “actions speak louder than words.” This is were my confusion begins.

I was with a guy almost 2 years. At the beginning we both agreed that we were going to give a chance to our friendship and start as a couple. We had a great relationship, many things in common. We had fun together; he introduced me to his family, and I did the same. We never had a fight and everything was great in bed.

In the 4th month, he told me something like this, “I’m afraid I’m not loving you as you deserve.” So I told him, “Well maybe I’m not the woman you want. I love you, but I don’t want you to be with me if you don’t want to.”

Then he told me, “I’m not saying I want to beak up, I’m just saying that I’m feeling this way and it’s something that’s happened to me in my past relationships.”

So we didn’t break up until 2 months ago when we were having a disagreement. He then told me that he never felt he was in love with me. Then I asked, “But, what do you mean by love, because your actions always showed me that you loved me.” Because he never did anything that made me doubt about his love for me. He was caring. He always called me; he introduced me as his girlfriend to everybody and he never forgot my birthday or our anniversary. He was supportive; he always answered my calls. So, if actions speak louder than words, what happened with us?

I feel he’s not coming back, because he hasn’t tried to contact me in these last 2 months. But the thing that hurts me more is that he always showed me that he loved me through his actions.

Majolie

Dear Majolie,

Thanks for your question. We understand your confusion.

It sounds like your relationship started out as just a friendship and then the two of you agreed to give a romantic relationship a try. Is that right?

If so, it’s possible he wanted to be in love with you because he cared about you a lot as a friend, but once the two of you took the relationship to the next level he realized he just didn’t love you that way. Didn’t he say as much to you four months into your relationship? In some ways he was confessing to you, and asking you to make the decision about the future of the relationship. At this point if you had broken up with him, that would have been that. But since you deflected it back to him, he wasn’t strong enough to do it. Maybe this is because of your previous friendship, or because he was too weak to do the difficult thing: Break up with you.

You might say, “Well what about the sex? It was good, and he seemed into it.”

And you would be right; but that still doesn’t mean he was in love with you. Guys can have sex even they don’t feel giddy and in love. This doesn’t mean he didn’t care about you. On the contrary he probably cared about you a lot and was trying desperately to feel that special feeling. Unfortunately it never happened.

We’re sorry this is a difficult time for you. And we can understand if you feel betrayed and lied to. We don’t think he meant to do that, but he should have been strong enough to break up with you when he knew it wasn’t right. But he’s not the only person that hates to inflict pain on the people they love.

So in our minds you whole confusion stems from the non-action at the four month period of your relationship.

We wish you the best. Take care of yourself.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

What’s the deal with this guy?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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My best friend: What does he want?

Guys,

This guy and I have been “dating”/talking for awhile now. When we originally started talking/hanging out he was single. Then he had a VERY short relationship. (3 weeks). He broke up with her because things just didn’t work out. But he also said he was interested in me as well at the time. So now we have been “seeing” each other ever since. We have been hanging out several times a week now. We kiss, hold hands, cuddle, etc. But nothing more than PG-13. It has been several weeks and I don’t know if I am just being impatient or if he just is dragging his feet.

We both watch the same shows and when I get to certain episodes he says, “You are not allowed to watch that without me.” I get messages like that from him all the time. But then sometimes I get mixed signals like tonight when he called me kiddo, I said “wow if that wasn’t sexy I don’t know what is.” He gave me a “Really?” I told him of course not and he just told me “Okay, nighty night”.

There was another instance when we were supposed to hang out. He ended up going out with his family—they are very close—and canceled on me. He ended up kinda buzzed, but called to apologize for blowing me off. He admitted that he liked me and he didn’t want me to be angry with him, or worry about him hanging out with others. He also threw in a line about “if and when—heavy emphasis on the when—you meet my family.” But the next time we hung out he barely touched me, and he held my hand very little. He had asked if I was okay for some strange reason but that was about it. I got a goodbye kiss but that was it.

He is confusing the heck out of me and I don’t know if I should just ask where we are or just let things progress more since it has only been a couple of weeks. I want to know if there is something real there, or if he is just dragging me along until he finds something better. HELP ME!!!!

Leanne

Dear Leanne,

Thanks for writing to us.

We can’t know exactly what’s in this guy’s heart, but he’s giving you many signs that he likes you, especially if he wants you to meet his family. Is it possible he’s shy? Or maybe inexperienced? Or maybe he just doesn’t know how you feel about him yet?

We’d say give it a few more weeks. See how things progress. Maybe take some initiative and invite him over for dinner or something like that. It sounds like he needs a little prompting, or possibly some reassurance from you that you’re interested. Hasn’t he already said that he’s into you?

If he’s feeling insecure or unsure, he’s going to give you mixed signals. He doesn’t want to show his hand completely for fear of being rejected. The male ego will do almost anything to avoid looking the fool. His ego sounds completely intact and possibly working overdrive.

If after a few more weeks you still don’t have your answers, we think you should lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. This doesn’t mean it will work out the way you’d like. It might; it might not. But this way you’ll at least know where you stand, and whether or not the relationship has a chance to progress to the next level.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks for your donation.

My best friend: What does he want?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Long distance relationship: Trying again?

Long distance relationship: Push and pull

Is he into me or not?

Friends with benefits?

Am I being played again?

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Confusion: Is my housemate only interested in sex?

Online dating: Should I move forward?

Dear Guys,

I’m writing to you because I don’t even know what to make of the relationship I have with my best friend. We have known each other for a while now and ever since we met everything clicked. He calls/text everyday; we spend a lot of time together whether it’s at his place, with his family, his friends, you name it. So it’s no surprise that I ended up falling for him.

The chicks he is with now are pretty much fuck buddies. Nothing serious but it stills bother me. I confronted him about this and told him how I felt. I even tried to stay away from him. He said he didn’t want to lose me and got mad when I told him I wanted time away. Since then, instead of pulling away like you would expect from other guys, he did the opposite. He just acted like the conversation never happened and still called and asked to hang out.

Lately, he has even told me we should get a place together. He asks about the guys I’m with and we talk about the future and what we want. What drove me over the edge though was a party we went to not too long ago. We always flirt. But this time more than usual. We were buzzed and dancing all over. I got so into it that I almost kissed him. He noticed and told me I deserved something better than him. Now, I have always believed if a guy likes a girl he will make it happen. But, with him I don’t know what to think. If he doesn’t like me why would he want to spend so much time with me, tell me everything, flirt, or even picture me in his future like that if he didn’t like me. But if does he like me what is he waiting for? None of my friends understand him.

I really hope you will be able to help me.

Sincerely,
Gina

Dear Gina,

Thanks for your question.

We can see how his behavior would be confusing to you. But your initial take on guys is dead on: If a guy is into a girl typically he’ll do whatever he can to make it happen, unless of course he’s painfully shy, which doesn’t seem to be the case with your best friend.

Obviously he cares a lot about you. He values you as a friend, and enjoys your company. He trusts you, and feels comfortable sharing his thoughts and dreams with you. But something is missing for him. Otherwise he would doing whatever he could to take your relationship to the next level. The fact that he isn’t doing that tells us he’s likely not into you in that way.

Here’s the tricky part to all of this: His behavior won’t necessarily be 100 percent consistent. Meaning, he might try and sleep with you at some point, or be physical with you in some way. But if this happens it will likely be his way of trying to force something that isn’t there. We can assure you he’s wishing he was in love with you. And he’s likely beating himself up and telling himself he’s a fool for not being in love with you. But if he was attracted to you in that way we think you’d already be a couple. You have to look at how he is MOST of the time. How does he behave towards you the majority of the time? That’s the question you have to ask yourself. From what we can see, he treats you as a loving friend, but not a girlfriend.

But why not talk to him about it? He might not want to tell you the whole truth, but at least the topic will be open for conversation. That would be a start in unraveling this mystery.

Best of luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Older woman is confused

If you have a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed. And relationship videos coming soon.

Thanks so much.

Recent questions:

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Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Dear Guys,

Ok where do I start – first of all I’m older than this guy by a number of years. I am separated now for approximately 10 months. I have known this guy in passing for almost two years now. Every time we bump into each other he has says he wants to pop in and visit me. One day I was at the beach and he said he would walk me home to see exactly where I live. I said okay— he is obviously cute. (LOL) Well since then he has been popping into my place for visits. He plays on my computer. I make the occasional dinner for the two of us. He knows that I have really been hurt by my ex-husband. I keep saying that I don’t want to have a relationship right now, but deep down in my heart I know I do like him. I think I am scared to say so.

But he keeps telling me about this woman and that woman that he would go out with. He always asks me if I would consider going back to my ex at all. He says to me that I should be in a relationship, but he doesn’t say with him though. Once he said that maybe he should introduce me to his brother, who is older than him. I told him most men are not husband material these days. He piped up and said that he is.

Last week he popped in Sunday to Thursday, missing an appointment he was supposed to go to. He said it’s nice to have a friend to talk to. Actually I like being alone.

The reason I am asking if he is using me is because the other day he asked if I could wash a pair of his jeans for him. I did. And he hasn’t collected them yet either. I saw him last on the Thursday night – I was out on the Friday and missed him on the Saturday – he loves my cooking and says he would love to be my flat mate. I think that is not right. I don’t want to be some mother figure for him and just fulfill an easy lifestyle for him either.

He is always saying that I spoil him. We almost had sex but I said no. I wasn’t ready for it yet. But to be blunt, I did do things with him but wouldn’t let him touch me.

I am not sure what to think or say to him as he is much younger. He has told me that I am okay for a woman of my age. I think maybe we are giving each other mixed signals. I need to know if he really likes me and if I should take this further or is he just using me for my kindness. Could it be that I need to admit that I like him? I am totally confused as I know I am scared of being hurt again. I can’t give him children or anything like that. I have heard him speak of wanting to have children before.

How do I let him know I like him? What should I do? Is he playing me, and using me for food, my computer, and a bit of good company now and then? Are my mixed signals stopping him from pursuing me?

I’m a really confused older woman.

Venetta

Dear Venetta,

Thanks for writing to us.

We wish we had a little more background on this guy. What does he do for work? Does he have other friends? Why is he all of a sudden hanging out with you? How did you meet him?

Our gut tells us this might not be the greatest situation for you. This guy obviously enjoys hanging out with you, but the question is why? He seems to be getting a lot from you: computer time, great meals, loving company, and even a few added “benefits.” But what are you getting? Do you enjoy his company, or would you prefer to be alone? We think you need to take a hard look at what he brings to the table for you, besides being cute.

Before you tell him how you feel, why not start by asking him directly what he wants. Does he want just a friend—a “mother” to take care of him—or does he want a relationship with you?

Because of your age difference, and because you know little about this guy, we’d tread carefully here Venetta. You might be better off giving yourself a little more time to heal from your divorce, and get yourself a bit more grounded before you start dating again. We also think based on a few of his comments—”you’re okay for your age”—that even if you start a relationship with this guy, he won’t be in it for the long haul.

We hope this helps. Please leave us a follow up comment, or question.

THE GUYS

ps. Spread the word. Let your friends know about us.

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

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What happened with this guy?

Hey Guys,

I have a question about a guy I have been seeing. I am a single, college educated, never been married, financially independent woman. I do not have any children or any real issues. I met a guy who was working as a bartender at a local restaurant/bar that my friends and I hang out at times. I did not take him seriously for about 2 year, but I was seeing someone. But I will admit, I was being a bit elitist in thinking he was only a bartender, etc.

Well, over the past 4 years, we have been going back and forth, on and off. He, at some point, met a girl and she became his girlfriend. It sounds like she hurt him a lot, and when they broke up from time to time, he would contact me. I finally started liking him, but we kept getting interrupted by the timing–he would get back with his ex or I would meet someone. Now since February, 2011, we have been kind of seeing each other. I asked him if he was over his ex and at least open to seeing what might happen between us. He said yes. We had not slept together until after this conversation.

He just graduated from art school and I left him alone to finish his final projects. Last Friday, I was out with my girlfriends celebrating some birthdays. My guy, let’s call him Steve, and I had gotten together on Tuesday and had a great time. We made plans for Sunday, but I kinda wanted to see him Friday night when he got home from work. I kind of pushed it a bit. I was a bit tipsy, and I got a bit wild. I guess I said somethings like, “Do you believe people can stay this attracted to each other over time?” and “Steve you need to get tested.” (We had discussed this before because I am very adamant about this and he agreed!.)

We also decided to go on a little trip— my treat for his graduation. So I asked him when he thought it would work for him. I might have said some other things, but honestly, nothing like, “I want to marry you.” or “I love you.” So Saturday morning, in my gut, I got this weird feeling he was freaked out. I went running and thought about it. I sent him a text saying, “Hey Steve, I was kinda drunk last night and I went running and just got back. While I ran, I thought about my behavior last night and I am sorry if I was over the top. It was not my intention.” He did not respond to the text. Later, around ten at night, I texted him to just say, “Hey,how is work going?” No reply from Steve. So now I am really feeling like he is totally wigged out and I was right. Sunday comes and no call about our plans. So around noon I get back from the gym and call and say, “Hey are we still on for today?” He calls back around 3pm to say that he needs to distance himself from me and that I am getting too attached and he doesn’t want to send me mixed signals. So I call back then hang up and text and say, “I was drunk, that is why I texted you this morning, can we talk?” He says yes, I will call you later. We had a really good conversation. I listened and he said he didn’t know why he was so freaked. I asked him if he wanted to take some time to be alone because he has had a lot of transitions lately with graduation, getting over the ex, trying to decide about work, etc. I get that! He said no he liked me, liked being with me, and didn’t need to take time. So then our conversation ended and I thought it was resolved.

I didn’t contact him all week and I didn’t hear from him. Friday afternoon I text him, “Hi, Steve, how are you?” No reply. We are friends on Facebook, so I looked on his page, and he posted at about 11 pm on Friday, “I am heading to the backwoods this weekend on my Harley, etc..” And I never heard from him. So I went on with my Memorial Day weekend. But I am still really hurt and confused by this. I said to him on Monday night that to me, talk is cheap, and a person reveals his/herself by actions. He agreed. So now I feel like he is blowing me off—and I really don’t want that to be the case. I will not call or text him but I don’t know if I will hear from him again.

What is your advice or insight to this situation? Am I just dreaming to think that this could be any kind of relationship? I wish I had listened to him on Friday and skipped going over to his house, but I was out and really wanted to see him. I guess I totally screwed this one up. Thanks for your reply.

Nan

Dear Nan,

Thanks for your question.

It is possible for people to move too fast, or move too slowly, or say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But generally, if that’s all it takes to mess up the possibility of a relationship, we tend to think it was probably not going to happen anyway.

It feels like you’re having to force this relationship on “Steve” and that shouldn’t be the way it is. We still don’t think you’ve done anything we’d consider a “deal breaker.” If he was really into you, or really wanted a relationship, he would welcome your tipsy advances, unless you were way over the top, or completely embarrassing, which doesn’t sound the case. And even if you were, you apologized and tried to make it right, which shows your reflective, self-aware side. In our minds those are great qualities to have.

“Steve” is in a transitional phase of his life as you know. It doesn’t matter that he’s older than some guys in this stage. The fact is everyone’s timeline is different and he’s gotten a late start on his career path. He needs time to figure out where he’s going and what he wants. He also sounds like he’s still torn emotionally over his ex. He needs time to do his thing, on his own terms. And isn’t that the way life is? It’s all about timing. And in your case, it feels like the timing just isn’t there.

So our advice is, let things play out on his terms. He has to be the one who initiates with you, not the other way around, which has been the case up until this point. Let him contact you via texting or calling. Let him ask you out. Let him be the one to plan any weekend getaways. And see how it goes. If nothing happens then you’ll know it’s not the right time for him. As far as having physical relations with him: please be careful. It’s likely if he calls you out of the blue, he’s seeing other women besides you. You’ve got to be safe out there.

We also think you need to put yourself back out on the dating scene when you’re ready. We know you’re still into this guy, but if you can keep a little of yourself open to meeting someone new, this might be a really nice thing for you.

Please leave us a follow up comment, and keep us posted. (Feel free to ask another question anytime.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please spread the word and let your friends know about us.

The Guy’s Perspective Ep. 38: Actor Charles Shaughnessy interview, 12 items or less, contests

Cucch and Sai are pleased to welcome actor Charles Shaughnessy, well known for his portrayal of Maxwell Sheffield opposite Fran Drescher on CBS’s The Nanny from 1993 to 1999.

Shaughnessy also appeared in the Disney Channel 2002 made-for-TV movie Get a Clue. He was also seen in the Halloween 2000 made-for-TV movie Mom’s Got A Date With A Vampire starring opposite Caroline Rhea (she guest-starred on The Nanny in 1998 as part of a cross-over with Hollywood Squares). That same year, Shaughnessy made two appearances on The WB’s Sabrina (this show stars Rhea, Melissa Joan Hart, and Beth Broderick) playing two different characters. He played Alec Colson in the 8th-season episode “Covenant” of Stargate SG-1. He also voiced Dr Quintaine in the PC game Freelancer.

He has recently appeared on an episode of NBC’s Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and is also the voice of Dennis the Goldfish on the Disney Channel cartoon series Stanley. On May 11, 2002, Shaughnessy won an Emmy Award for Outstanding Performer in an Animated Program for his portrayal of Dennis the Goldfish on Stanley.

Currently Mr. Shaughnessy is starring in Lerner and Loewe’s “My Fair Lady” at The North Shore Music Theatre in Beverly MA from June 7-19. We sit down for a half hour discussion on Broadway, television, parenting, the internet, and a whole lot more.

Also please check out Mr. Shaughnessy’s current projects:

Bus Stop 31 Productions

CoffeyBuzz

But before the interview begins Cucch and Sai give a reminder about the “Guy’s Perspective Slow Jams” Contest. Share your jam and you could win a $25 Starbucks Gift Card!

Also don’t forget about the iTunes Review Challenge. Help us get to 60 reviews and leave a comment on iTunes and be entered in our “2 Thumbs Up!” thumb drive giveaway!

Sai shares his latest Pet Peeve: the very forgiving, or not so forgiving, interpretation of “12 items or less.”

Finally, Cucch and Sai present Mr. Charles Shaughnessy, interviewed by Cucch, aka Chris.

Enjoy the show and thanks for listening!

[display_podcast]

He’s back but is he into me?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Last week’s questions:

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex(Read comments)

This week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

How to start a long distance relationship?

Is this boy playing me?

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

So I dated this guy for a few months. We both discussed a relationship being an option. He owns his own business and after a few months he told me he was just too busy for anything right now. He had been traveling a lot. Then I thought again that maybe he was just not that into.

A few months have passed again and now he’s starting IMing me online. He said we should cook dinner together soon and he also gave me a couple recipes. He said I’m going to expect dinner in exchange for these recipes one of these days. We’ve been talking online for the past couple weeks, but he hasn’t text me or called me yet. I’m a bit confused and being cautious with this because I don’t want to get hurt. I’m just laying low with everything and I guess waiting for him to make the moves again. Mostly because I don’t want him to feel pressured. Is he into me again or should I just not make anyhting of it?

Karen

Dear Karen,

Thanks for writing to us.

Typically if guys are really into the woman they are dating they don’t say they don’t have time for anything right now. They might say that BEFORE anything got going, if they were starting their own business, or maybe studying for some big exams, etc, But once a guy starts dating a woman, it’s unlikely they’d back out completely unless they were a bit unsure, or not that into it.

Our gut tells us he’s contacted you again because he’s either bored, lonely, or has a lull in his business so he’s looking for some company with benefits.

In general we don’t like to see this sort of inconsistent behavior. It is all about consistency, so we’d be cautious here. However, if you’re able to just have some fun it might be okay, but we don’t think he’s interested in anything more than that.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Is this boy playing me?

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
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Thanks so much.

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