I&#8217;m hot for my tutor; will he date me?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Readers: Scroll to bottom of post for more questions about Long Distance Relationships.

__________________________

Hi Guys,

I met an amazing man on a vacation last March. He was very clearly smitten with me. And although we live far away from each other, he seemed really interested in pursuing a relationship following the vacation. We texted and called each other several times a day for several weeks following the trip and talked about future trips we’d like to plan together.

At first it was platonic, because I had not yet ended my long term, yet failing relationship, back home. But, when I felt myself really falling for this new guy, I felt both elated and guilty. I felt sure I’d met a man I could spend the rest of my life with. He was kind and inclusive and interested and shared deep feelings with me. He talked about what life would be like if we were in it for the long term. Mutual friends from the vacation felt sure that I could have him if I wanted him. But, I also wanted to be honorable and kind to my old boyfriend and settle things with him before moving into something new. When I was honest about this, the new guy was at first very understanding, but as I took a few weeks to settle with my ex, my new guy became discouraged and decided we should just be friends, and he opted to date someone local instead.

A mutual friend says that new guy was incredibly into me, but he couldn’t see it working because I was still involved with my ex and then he talked himself out of it due to the long-distance. About a month later, new guy contacted me again and told me that he wasn’t that into his new girl. He said he felt comfortable with her, but that she wasn’t very exciting and staying with her might be like settling. Perhaps he was feeling out my situation. He invited me to travel with him. I was not available to travel at the time but I told him how happy I was to hear from him. But, I’ve hardly heard from him since.

He’s still with the other girl. What happened? Has he decided to just settle with her? Has their relationship grown close? What now? Do I contact him to declare my feelings? Do I just try to occasionally communicate as friends and hope that he’ll take the initiative again some day? Do I cut him off entirely so I don’t feel tortured anymore? The problem is that I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life. My feelings were so strong for him and his for me during those first few weeks. So strong that I can’t get him out of my mind and I don’t want to forget about him. What should I do?

Mia

Dear Mia,

Thanks for your question.

It seems to us that this guy’s uncertainty stems from your situation with your ex-boyfriend, not because he’s not into you. And while we very much respect how you handled breaking up with your ex it’s now time to reach out to this new guy. If you really like him as much as you say you do why are you making him work so hard? And when he contacted you again, why wouldn’t you offer him some other possibility to get together even if you couldn’t travel at the time? Now what is he supposed to think? So the ball is clearly in your court. You’ve got to be the one to take the initiative.

Remember Mia, the nature of this situation is very tenuous. You met on vacation. And as you know vacations always have an element of fantasy to them. Not only do you travel to a new place, but in some ways you travel away from yourself. Often when you meet someone in that setting it can get intense quickly. But when people return to their daily lives that’s when doubts and insecurities can start developing. (They did for him) So yes, he might have been understanding at first, and probably respected you for being honorable with your boyfriend, but a man can only take so much, especially if he’s only known you for a week. And so we imagine he started questioning himself. “Do I really know this woman? What am I doing? Was this something I just made up in my head? Maybe she’s not as into me as I’m into her?”

But you ask, “Why is he dating this other girl?” Unfortunately it’s for comfort, which isn’t great for her. But this guy has convinced himself that the situation with you–the girl of his dreams possibly—isn’t going to work, so he’s seeking solace in another woman’s arms or bed. And while we don’t condone taking advantage of another woman we completely understand why he’s doing it. And probably there’s an element of ‘well she did it so I’m going to as well’ going on.

So to answer your question, yes, you can get this going again. But the ball is in your court. And frankly what do you have to lose by telling him how you feel? Life is full of risks, but putting your heart on the line for love seems well worth it. If it doesn’t work out at least you’ll have no regrets. And if it does, well you know better than we do how that will feel.

Be strong and just go for it.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. In person, on Twitter, on Facebook. Thanks. And consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated

He speaks in facts, she in emotions: Studying abroad; should I break up or do long distance?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

_______________________________

Dear Guys,

I am 25 years old and my girlfriend is 24. We’ve been dating for exactly one year, though we had been friends for two years before that. She is my first serious girlfriend. Before her I had only flings. I love her very much and I’m sure she feels the same way. We see each other almost every day; we’re best friend and have complete physical intimacy. In this year we’ve been through some fights. Two of them were pretty serious and we almost broke up. The reasons for these fights were always very silly (for me) and I managed to convince her of that and avoid breaking up. We agreed that the reasons for all of our fights were lame compared to the love we feel for each other and made a pact for being more tolerant and reasonable. Since then we didn’t fight anymore and the relashionship is at its best.

I’m an engineering graduate and currently have an excelent job that pays me well. But the firm I work for is going to be sold in a couple of months and I will have to keep working for them for one more year. After that I will leave the company. I thought this was a good opportunity to accomplish one of my goals in life that is to get a good MBA degree. To do so I will have to go abroad for one year. I would love if she could come with me but she still has two years to complete college.

She overheard my conversation with a friend about my MBA plans and asked me if I intended to go abroad. I told her the truth: yes, I want to go but only in September 2013. That’s a year and a half from now, more than twice the duration of our relationship. I proposed to her that we keep dating during this period and break up only when I leave. From then on we live our lives separately and that includes meeting other people. My intention is to get back together when I come back from the MBA.

She, on the other hand, thinks differently. She said she prefers to break up right now even even though she would suffer a lot since she loves me very much. But when she overcomes the suffering she would be free to find another man and not “waste her time investing in a relationship destined to end.” She doesn’t think we will get back together when I come back nor that she could bear thinking of me dating other girls while I’m away.

I don’t want to break up right now mainly for three reasons:

- Living in the same city we would bump with each other all the time and know about each other’s lives, making it much harder to forget. If we wait until I go, the distance will make being apart easier.

- During the period that I’m still here we can have a great time together. We’re talking about one and a half years. Almost twice the time we’ve been together. The bond created in this period will be strong enough to survive the year apart. (I think)

- I think in my heart that we will get back together when I come back. (I know one year is a long time and I will gain lots of experience and may change my mind. And that’s what she’s afraid of.)

Well, I would be glad if you guys could help me out. Am I missing something? How can I convince her of staying together until I go?

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your question.

How do we say this nicely? Yes, you are missing something. Actually you’re missing everything on this one. And this is a classic example of the different ways men and women think.

You’re giving her facts and she wants emotions. She wants you to tell her that you love her so much that you’ll do anything to make it work, even if you have to go away for a year. She wants you to reassure her that nothing will come between the two of you, even if you’re far away. She wants you to be strong and tell her it’s all going to work out. (Sure, ultimately she doesn’t want you to go, but she might come around if you sang a different tune with her.)

But you’re not doing any of that. You’re treating the relationship like it’s a business. This is what she’s hearing from you: “In a year and a half, we’ll dissolve the company and split the earnings 50/50, and then maybe we’ll put the company back together when I get back.” So why would she want to stick around, knowing that in the near future the two of you will be breaking up? Women don’t work that way.

From your point of view, you see only benefits from having this sort of arrangement. And we understand. Having a wonderful woman to hang out with, go on dates with, and have sex with is a great thing. And when you combine that with a fulfilling career it’s a great combination. But once again, she doesn’t give a (blank) about any of that.

But having said all of this Thomas we do understand where you’re coming from. It seems like you might really love this woman but you just want to be 100% sure. And you don’t want to give up your career aspirations quite yet in order to have her. And guess what? We totally get it. You’re young, and it’s okay to put your needs first, and frankly you probably should, because if you’re feeling this strongly about pursuing school and furthering your career, you’ll probably be quite resentful later in life if your plans were to be derailed by this relationship. And the fact that she’s your first serious girlfriend makes us think you’d like to explore more in that department as well.

But it all comes down to timing doesn’t it? When people say “love conquers all” they are forgetting to factor in the all important “timing” variable. And this is what we’re seeing here. The timing is a bit off. But unfortunately Thomas you can’t have it both ways. She’s probably isn’t going to want to wait around while you figure this all out. (Although see below for the one caveat.) So you either need to stay with her, and see if you can give a long distance relationship a chance, or break up. (And please don’t make promises to do a long distance relationship but then break up with her just as you’re leaving. That would only perpetuate some women’s perceptions that guys are not to be trusted, which is not true.)

So Thomas, please stop treating this like a business decision and really start having some heartfelt conversations with the woman you love. And we’ll let you in on a little secret. (Our caveat) If you’re honest, and treat her with respect and love, even if you do break up now, and you go away for awhile, it’s likely if she’s still single, her heart will still be open to you. However, if you continue treating her like she’s a business partner you won’t ever have another chance with her.

We wish you the best in figuring all of this out. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And we’d love to hear what you think about all of this. And what you ultimately end up doing. Keep us posted. We’ll respond in the comments section as well.

(And readers: Please comment as well. We love a great discussion!)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

________________________

Dear Guys,

I’m 38, own a home, a successful business, and was married five years to an abusive man. It’s been six yrs now, I’ve moved and restarted a great life and am the happiest I’ve ever been. Over the years I see I’m drawn to attractive, adventurous, man-boys and have feared the men who want something more. The hot young ones boost my ego and have been “safe” as they usually don’t want much more then sex.

But I’ve done a lot to heal and recognize all this and now I want a more serious relationship. I had one the past two years but he left me eight months ago and I was very hurt but knew it was right and I deserved more and didn’t want to be with another big drinker who couldn’t control his habits.

A few months after the breakup I met a great 31 yr old guy. Hot, adventurous and interested. We gradually kept in touch over a few weeks and met up one evening at some hot springs and had a hot, amazing few nights together. Over the rest of the summer we’d spend a few nights a week together but I knew he would be leaving for six months in the fall. Mid-winter he was hurt and came back.

He has six weeks here and I allowed him to stay with me until he leaves again for two months, then he will be back for the summer for work. He talks about loving where we live and getting a permanent vs seasonal job. So we’re playing house mates, having a ton of sex and it’s been great. Then the fool used my computer in my house to communicate with his ex. I realized they talk often, every day or so and while he will be gone after leaving here he will be meeting up with her in Thailand. It’s definitely not just as friends, he’s clearly not over her. They’ve been broken up for two years and he told me it was hurtful. (He moved for her and it ended badly, etc.) He said he was going on his trip alone and I know he lied. We are getting to know each other, haven’t talked about anything with us and I did read him telling her he didn’t want anything serious with her. It was hard to read it all. And when I saw he forgot to log out of their very long instant message that he sent to her while I was at work, my heart sank.

I’m quite mature and really do get it. He’s having a great time with me and doesn’t want to blow it by telling me about her. We said goodbye in the fall, I was with someone else too, but now he’s back and he came to me. It’s clear he and his ex have stuff to work out and perhaps need closure or want another try at it.

My question is…what should I do? Run like Hell or give him time to figure out why they’re still connected and heal or see if they get back together and just keep dating myself? I just don’t want to be the fool, be used, be lied to, etc. The age difference is a factor and this situation proves it to me. He’s not mature enough to see that their disaster of a past will probably never work but they both are still locked together. They joke about other people but I see through that and doesn’t sounds like either has really moved on in the past two years. He’s super nice but does have a big ego and I’m sure is crushed inside that he failed at something, his first real love. They only dated a year but that can still be significant when it’s the only big experience.

Bottom line…give him a chance or not? I know he’s not prepared to tell me the truth about her (she lives across the country) and I know he wants to be here for work. He’s got his dream job and wants to stay. I know he wouldn’t leave for her and I think he actually said something to that degree in their giant message. (Can’t believe I read it. I felt badly but I’m so glad I did so I’m not completely in the dark about all of this. Nor did I tell him about the other person I spent time with.)

I actually realized after this time with someone else I really liked, that I liked him more and that’s why I invited him to stay with me. I was so curious about us having a chance to come back together so soon after thinking I wouldn’t see him for six months. My BFF thinks he really likes me, I told her the story about the ex thinking she’d tell me to end it immediately but she still thinks he’s worth having fun with and getting to know more. But it’s not her heart on the line…

Francine

Dear Francine,

Thanks for your question.

We happen to agree with your friend. You’re going to regret it if you don’t see this all the way through.

As you know, life is complicated and people come with baggage. Dating in your 20s is different than dating in your 30s, and so on, because as people age they acquire more and more baggage. But they also acquire more experience, and in turn are often more interesting.

It seems the two of you are both being a bit evasive. He’s still involved with his ex, and you are seeing other people. And neither of you knows about the other’s activities. (Okay, you do, but only because you did it without his knowledge.) We understand that you’re not really in an exclusive relationship, but in order to take this to the next level you both need to come clean about what you’re up to and honest about how you feel about the other person.

You’re right when you say, he still needs to find closure with his ex. Sometimes people go back and forth for years and years before they finally make the split. Many times it takes a new person to jumpstart this final parting. It sounds like you might actually be the person that will make him finally realize that he has a dysfunctional relationship with his ex. And that he actually could have the kind of relationship he really wants to have with you.

But the two of you need to really start talking to one another. You specifically need to let your guard down and tell him how you truly feel. Seeing other people is just a way of protecting yourself. It’s not fun to be vulnerable, but in order to see this through, you might have to let yourself be just that.

We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Online Dating Part 3 – Writing a great online description

Scroll Down for Online Dating Part 2 and Part 1

Please share our videos with your friends. Subscribe to our You Tube Channel! Thanks.

More Videos to Watch:

Guys are comfortable with conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Video Script:

Here is another profile we rewrote.

This is what we were sent.

Before:

I love tennis. I try and play tennis 4 days a week and I’m looking for someone who is athletic and able to keep up. Other than tennis, I like reading, going for walks, good conversation and movies. I spend a lot of time with my grandchildren so the person I’m looking for must appreciate kids. It would be nice if you had kids yourself so we would have something to share. I have a good sense of humor and expect the same from the person I’m dating. I don’t like talking about the weather. I like to have meaningful conversations. I’m ultimately looking for a good partner who is young at heart and open to exploring new things.

After: (Our rewrite)

The two things I love doing the most are playing tennis and spending time with my grandchildren, and not necessarily in that order. Otherwise I would describe myself as a contrast in styles.

Smart humor engages me, but not at the expense of others.
I’m shy, but love to debate.
I can still run hard, but prefer a nice walk with a friend.
I have my own interests, but family is most important.
I’m a person of action, but love to read about other people’s lives.
Routines are great, but spontaneity appeals to me as well.
Small talk is not my thing, but mainly because the world is too interesting to talk about the weather.

So if this speaks to you, I would love to have a conversation with you. I only ask a few things: that you’re young at heart, curious, and still open to exploration. And it certainly wouldn’t hurt if you were a tennis player with a sense of humor!

Long distance relationship: He cheated on me and told me

Dear Guys,

Let’s start out by saying I’m 17 and he’s now 20. We met a year and a half ago in Maryland. I live in Alabama but my dad lives in Maryland so I visit him every break that I get from school. I met him in the summer of 2009 at an under 18 club. We danced all night together and he asked for my number. We started texting and then talking on the phone for hours. I didn’t intend for anything to happen but it started getting intense. I would talk up to six hours a day and it came to a point where we exchanged the words “I love you.” (And I meant them when I said it to him.)

Let me just say my parents don’t support me with this. They have blocked him from my phone and everything. That made the situation ten times harder because when the people you care most about don’t care at all about what your passionate about, it’s hard.

I understand what could happen and all the outcomes that could come out of this situation. Of course we’ve had out some ups and downs but he stayed faithful to me for a whole year. Then he told me right before this summer when I was coming to see him that he liked this other girl and told me about everything that he did and felt. She gave him oral and that’s as bad as it got. I forgave him because I couldn’t help but love him. He promised me he wouldn’t ever do anything like that again.

We’ve been doing good until now. He is having some issues about me not being physically there. I understand that men react and get stimulated differently than females. I mean he’s 20 and hasn’t had sex in two years. He’s stayed pretty faithful. Well accept, he had intercourse with this new girl out of nowhere and he told me. I respect him for being a man and not lying to me and just straight up telling me. I know he cares about me and I know he loves me. He’s just going through a phase. I might be crazy for accepting it and probably forgiving him again in the future.

OH!! And here’s another thing. I’m changing my future so I can be with him. I’m lying to my mother, my step-dad and my dad about him. I’ve decided to move in with my dad in Maryland so I can be close to him and this is happening in seven months. I don’t know. Maybe he needed to get his sexual tension out? But seriously he couldn’t wait? Also I was coming to see him for Christmas in less than month.

That’s just my best trying to put it into long story short, and I guess my question is, should I forgive him? Or should I dump his ass? Or stay his friend? I mean he’s been faithful for two years and he tells me about everything he does so it’s not really cheating if he tells me. I understand his situation and why he is behaving the way he is. I’m just so scared he’s going to find someone else to replace me and fall in love with them. And when I finally move there, the space that I’ve left for him in my heart will be empty because he moved on.

I talked to his mom. (We’re close too, she’s our biggest fan.) And she says that she knew he was going to have to go through something like this, she just didn’t know when. She said that he never really got the attention from girls and because I can’t really give it to him physically he’s coping with it like that. But she swears up and down that she knows he loves me by the way he talks about me and that I have something special and that shes knows he loves me. She says it’s a phase and that she thinks he should go through the experience. I mean most guys pretty much screw a lot of girls in their prime years don’t they? It just sucks he’s doing it when we were “together.”

That brings me to another point. We don’t classify ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. We are just two people who fell in love who have been through hell to fight for what we have. But he knows we have boundaries and he crossed them.

I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Help Please!

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question.

We understand how strongly you feel for this guy. Love strikes when it pleases, and when it does it’s difficult to contain. However, we also feel strongly that you shouldn’t be lying to your parents. Yes, we realize they haven’t been that supportive, but from their point of view they probably feel you’re too young to be having this sort of relationship with a guy you barely know who lives hours away from you. But believe it or not, their feelings come from a good place. They want you to be happy. They’re not trying to stifle your passion, but more keep you from getting hurt. Which brings us to this guy.

We don’t necessarily think you’re being foolish for forgiving him, but just because he TELLS you he cheated doesn’t mean it’s okay. He did cheat, plain and simple. And if he’s had sex with two girls, it’s likely there’s more going on than you realize. Or if there’s not, it’s not from want of trying on his part. Sure guys might need to go through this phase, but that’s no excuse. If he wants to pursue other girls he shouldn’t be stringing you along and telling you how much he loves you. And honestly we think you’re making too many excuses for him. (And why are you talking to his mother about this? This seems a bit odd. She’s stringing you along too. She shouldn’t be making excuses for her son either. She seems a bit too involved with this don’t you think?)

Our strong recommendation is to stay where you are and not move. You can always continue to be friends with this guy and develop a deeper emotional connection with him over time. And if you still feel this way in a few years, then maybe that’s the time to explore this more. But based on his actions he certainly isn’t ready to commit to you now. We know you think it’s all going to change when you move there but from our experience we doubt it. Sure, maybe for a while things will be blissful, but if he’s really having such a hard time now, his “needs” will become an issue soon enough.

We believe that love should be explored, but we don’t think you should change your life to be with this guy. If he really wants to be with you at some point, let him be the one to take the initiative. Let him be the one to change his life. If he does this, you’ll certainly know he’s serious about you. If you go live with your father to be with this guy, you’ll never really know the depth of his feelings for you. Guys love convenience, and if you move, you’ll be making this very convenient for him. You need to make him work a little. Please wait on this for a while!

Last note: If he’s having sex with other girls, you need to be careful. There’s a lot of “stuff” floating around out there. Your safety is important. And honestly, his actions have given you no reason to trust him.

Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question in the comments section here. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Readers,

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Should I start an affair?

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dear Guys,

For the past week, my boyfriend has suddenly started receiving text messages from some girl that he says is just a friend. He gets off work around midnight and from midnight until about 2am they are texting back and forth. He says she’s much younger and having issues with a guy after having sex with him.

I began getting suspicious because after a couple of days it should have stopped. When he got in the shower, I checked his messages and saw her asking where he was and if they were meeting at the usual place. Before getting in the shower he replied, “Sweetie, are you there?” She began calling.

I was so pissed I confronted him and confessed to looking through his phone. He was calm the entire time and kept shaving. I asked him why he would keep leading me on if he was in love with someone else? He said, “You don’t know what you are talking about and you are thinking too much.” I pushed and asked if he lied to me about visiting his mom in the hospital. He got pissed and told me, “Fine. I’ll leave. I’m not coming back.” I went in the bedroom and slammed the door. I came back out and grabbed his phone threatening to call her. He snatched the phone from me and said, “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

I was defeated at this point and since I was taking a trip out of town in a few days I decided to focus my energy on preparing. I went to dinner with a male friend of mine and came home pretty tipsy and I thought I beat him home, but I didn’t. He was standing outside and his face was red and he had been crying pretty hard. I walked up and he said, “I’m so sorry. I was so worried.”

When we got in the apartment, he held me and put his head in my lap. I tried consoling him, but I felt betrayed. Even during the night he cried in his sleep. I don’t know what to do. I know I betrayed him by looking through his phone, but I found what I found. Were his tears an admission of guilt? I truly love him. I don’t know if this is grounds for a break up or if there’s a way to fix it?

Eve

Dear Eve,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re going through a rough time right now. Betrayal is a very difficult thing to deal with, and also very difficult to recover from.

Curiosity is what drives people to snoop through their hosts’ medicine cabinet when they are staying for a visit. Suspicion is what drives people to snoop through their partner’s phone. We totally understand why you went through his phone, but once you do something like that there’s no going back. But we hardly call that a betrayal. Yes, maybe a breach of trust, but not a betrayal. Why? Because unfortunately you found the information you were looking for, proving that he’s been doing “something” behind your back.

We interpret his tears as you do: an admission of guilt. But they’re also likely tears of fear, possibly because he’s scared that you’ll break up with him. They could also be tears of sadness because although he cares for you, he ultimately knows that something isn’t right between the two of you.

Is his betrayal grounds for a breakup? That’s up to the two of you Eve.

Some questions you have to ask yourself:

Do I believe his story?

Can I trust him again?

Do I believe he won’t do this again?

Does he truly love me in the way I want to be loved?

What drove him to do this, and is that particular thing something that can be addressed?

What kind of man do I want to be in a relationship with?

Am I able to forgive him and move past this?

Eve, there are no rules here. People break up for much less, and people stay together after enduring much more. It’s all a matter of what you can handle, and what’s right for you and your boyfriend. We would suggest you start talking about these difficult, but important issues. You might possibly need a third party to get involved to help facilitate the conversation. (A professional counselor possibly.) Either way it all starts with talking. (One thing to consider. While you’re trying to sort out all of these questions you might want to steer clear of the physical side of your relationship. That’s only going to confuse you.)

Good luck. Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question. We’ll respond in the comments section.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some recent questions to check out:

Should I start an affair?

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Personal Story from Sabrina: Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Dating in my 20s as a single mother?

Dear Readers,

Today’s question piggybacks on a previous question: Will guys date single moms? Please read that post for more information about dating with kids. Or dating someone who has kids. Also read a personal account, “Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”

Please use the form on the “Ask the Guys” page to leave us a question.

Thanks,

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

I’m 20 and I have a little girl on the way—my first child. I was engaged to the dad for a year and he promised me the family I have always dreamed of. We planned our little one and he left me for another girl three months after we found out I was pregnant. Now I’m worried there won’t be any men in their 20s to date that are okay with me being a single mother. I believe in love and want a healthy relationship around my daughter. I don’t though want to be bouncing from guy to guy with her involved or be living like a nun until I get older when men are more ready to commit.

I would be more than okay with starting a bigger family with my husband in the future, but will I even be given that chance in my 20s? Is it just a waiting game until guys mature or is there hope to still settling down?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your question.

There’s always hope. However, most guys aren’t ready to settle down in their early twenties. They’re busy pursuing careers, women and fun. But most of all they’re peeling away the layers of childhood, trying to discover the kind of man they want to be. This process can take years and years, and that’s why many men aren’t ready for a commitment in their twenties. They are focused on finding themselves as they vie for position and rank in this competitive world.

The father of your child exemplifies why men get a bad rap. He was interested enough in you and the relationship when he was getting what he wanted or when it was all talk, but when the consequences—albeit wonderful, your daughter—of his actions emerged he couldn’t deal with the situation and left. We can see how this would leave a bad taste in your mouth, and make you skeptical and concerned about all guys in their twenties, but don’t let him “speak” for all men. We’re not all like that.

Your instincts are good Ashley. You certainly don’t want to be bouncing from guy to guy, especially with a child in tow. While dating different men is fine, we would recommend keeping your dating life and home life as separate as possible until you are fairly confident the guy you’re dating is in it for the long haul. Which means, you might not want to have men stay over too often, especially as your child gets old enough to know. (And believe us, if she is old enough to see, she will be old enough to understand on some level what’s going on. And ultimately be confused.)

It’s always best for any child to have consistent people in their lives, male and female. Ideally you will have an amicable enough relationship with your ex so he can be involved. However, if that’s not possible, hopefully someone will step up to the plate. Perhaps a brother? Or your father? That is until you are involved with someone you love and respect.

And that brings us to your question. You read the previous post and our answer, so you understand that any time you add another “difference” to the dating equation things can get more complicated because there is just that much more to sort through. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t ever work out. It just means BOTH people have to be VERY committed to making the relationship work.

Examples of differences:

Age: People dating someone much older or younger. (Watch our videos on the topic)

Race/Ethnicity: People from different cultures, countries, backgrounds. Read previous post: Why is he hiding our relationship?

Religion: People raised with different beliefs.

Marital Status: Divorced people dating single people.

Parental Status: People with kids dating people without kids.

Dating and relationships are complicated enough without adding more factors into the equation. Figuring out if you want to be with someone for a lifetime is a big decision. But when people truly love each other, most of the time they will try and work through whatever is dealt to them. And sometimes these “extra ingredients” are actually time savers. They often weed away quickly, the people who shouldn’t even be there.

Ashley, your first priority will be your child, and you certainly don’t want to waste your time with guys who don’t get it. So your child will help you cut through the BS. Life is full of surprises. We’re sure there’s some young guy out there who will be more than happy to welcome you and your child into his life.

But you’ll only meet that person by getting out there yourself. Finish school. Or start school. Take some classes that interest you. Join a book group. Say yes to invitations. Get a job doing something interesting. (If possible) Elicit the help of your friends and family—you’ll need support with daycare, etc. and emotional support—so you can move forward with your own interests and goals. And by doing all of that, it’s more likely you will meet some great person who shares many of the same interests and values that you do.

Good luck. Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. Or a follow up question. We’ll respond here as well.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Why does he have a second Facebook page? What is this guy’s MO?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Hey Guys,

I’ve started randomly talking to this guy that I met on the net. The contact began back in 2009. He found my profile on MySpace. He enjoyed reading the blogs that I had written about my traveling experiences and decided to send me messages. We had had some distant back and forth messaging. He was pretty persistent (on a friendly note), but nothing more came out of it. One, I was kind of passive and wasn’t really interested, and two, since the development of Facebook I was hardly logged into MySpace. So the communication died off.

Fastforward to 2010….I get a random e-mail notification from MySpace that he had sent me an email. He was basically just checking in to see how I was doing, and if I was interested in talking with him sometime. Out of curiosity, I had added him onto Facebook, but again, I was still giving him the cold shoulder. He would drop me a note here and there….but nothing really came out of it.

Now, onward to about two weeks ago. He sent me a random IM one day asking how I was doing. From there I stopped being a Little Miss-Priss and started chatting with him. And thank goodness I did. He and I have been talking non-stop since then…every single evening until the wee hours of the morning. From everything to our interests, daily lives…experiences…etc. So far we have a lot of common interests and he has a great personality. I guess we’ve developed a really easy connection. He sends me text messages every now and then asking about my day and the like. And we’ve also talked on the phone and via cam. Now it is apparent that we find each other both physically and emotionally attractive. But here’s my problem.

I have been in a downhill live-in relationship for the last couple of years and am in the processes of splitting up. My new “friend” is aware—I told him that I was in a relationship when we had begun chatting—of this and has not made any advances towards me in a romantic sort of way. Everything has been pretty innocent—minus some flirting here and there—but we have both been truthful about our situations and what it is that we want. Right now we are just equally keen on getting to know each other.

At first, there were some talks about meeting each other, perhaps in his city or mine. (We live about 4-5 hours away from each other.) And I really wanted to meet him. At first, I was stuck—and still am—in a predicament where I was worried about the current status of my relationship and how I would be able to get away to see my new “friend.” I didn’t want to cause myself any drama or complications with my boyfriend, but it seems as though with my recent actions I did.

I wound up lying to my boyfriend to see this guy for a 3-day weekend. Everything went great. We connected and everything. But I wound up being intimate with him. I came back home and am in the process of finalizing my current relationship. I feel awful about the situation, with me needing to lie to my ex about the whole situation.

But now I’m starting to look at this new guy suspiciously since I’m unsure of what his intentions are. He has been overseas for work these last couple of weeks and will be returning next week. He has been contacting me via Facebook/chat and has stated that he wants to meet again. When I asked him point blank about what was going on between us, and if it is purely physical, he stated that he is attracted to me both physically/intellectually and wants to know me better.

I don’t know what’s going on. If he wants just a sexual relationship why doesn’t he come out and say it?

More information:

I also found out that he has another Facebook page in relation to the one that I’m connected to. This new page seems to actually be his personal one. (He has is friends, his family–perhaps, and even his co-workers on it.) However, the one that I am connected to is pretty restrictive. I am unable to see his friends’ list. Yet the comments left on the page are made by a lot of African/African-American women. I happen to be an AF woman which raises a couple of red flags for me. I’m not even sure that I’m on the right grounds to even confront him about it. We’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, not committed/exclusive. (We’ve haven’t even gotten that far.) And I guess that he’s free to do/date whomever he wants. But at the same time, I can’t help but think that I just may be another AF-woman on his page to “chat” with and occasionally meet up with.

Should I confront him about the page? Would I have the right to do it? If so, how would I go about doing it without seeming like a stalker? If I shouldn’t confront him about it when would be the most appropriate time? WTF should I do? Should I pursue this or should I just see it as a fling and move on?

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question.

This second Facebook page makes us feel a bit uneasy. It sounds like you feel the same way.

Since you’ve already gotten together with this guy we see no reason why you can’t speak to him directly about your feelings and concerns. There are no rules here. The appropriate time is now. In fact we encourage you to do it sooner rather than later. You’ll get a lot of information based on his reaction to your question. We expect he’ll try to smooth talk you through it, and spin the same line about wanting to get you know better. He seems too smart to get defensive about it. Either way, please trust your gut. (Check out our video on this topic. On video page.) In general this feels a lot like the headline: “Guy meets great woman online but continues to troll dating sites for new talent.”

If he’s doing what we think he’s doing—hitting on as many people as he can—this doesn’t seem like a safe situation, physically and emotionally. You should definitely speak to him directly about how you’re feeling. However, in this situation, actions will speak louder than words. If he tells you he sees potential for a relationship with you, but then continues his whole Facebook charade, then you need to assess what’s the truth and what isn’t.

In general, tread carefully here. He may seem like a great guy—and it’s possible he is—but keep in mind that anyone can be wonderful from a distance. And anyone can be on their best behavior for three days. When hormones are raging, guys can be quite charming.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. Take care.

Two questions: Is this party guy interested? (and) Did I get played by this girl?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Dear Guys,

There is this guy who works at the ABC store that I am very attracted to. The first time I went in to stock my home bar he helped me and as I left he said, “Let me know when the party is.” I took it as if he was just being nice. I went back in tonight and he asked me how the bar was going. I told him that no one drank the rum and he said, “Let me know where the party’s at and I will drink it!”

Is he trying to tell me something? Should I have taken those comments and invited him over? I am soo shy. Should I just pass him the number and leave it at that?

Trisha

Dear Trisha,

Thanks for your question.

Well, he’s either interested in you, or he really likes to drink rum. Either way, you won’t know unless you make the first move.

We don’t think there’s any harm in giving him your number, but just remember you don’t really know the guy. Maybe a first meeting should be sometime during the day, say for coffee? If that goes well you can take it from there.

He sounds fun, but we’re always a bit wary about relationships that begin with drinks. If you know what we mean!

Happy New Year,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

(AND)

Hey Guys,

So for about 4 months I started talking to a girl who I know through a friend. We started off as just friends but then I started to get feelings for her. I told her straight up how I felt and that I was starting to fall for her. She had been dating a guy who hit her and controlled her. She told me every day that I was the only guy who treated her right and that I was above all other guys ever.

A few weeks ago they broke up and she said she didn’t want to date anyone and stay single for awhile. I told her I respected that choice and told her I was still there for her. She told me that when she was ready I would be at top of the list. But last night I saw a tweet on my feed that said she was dating some other guy.

All I wanna know is if you think I got played and used? Did she only want me around to feel wanted and loved?

Thanks,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Thanks for your question.

Rest assured you did a good thing. You gave this woman strength as she dealt with an abusive boyfriend. Good for you.

But sometimes it’s a drag being the ‘good guy’ isn’t it?

We don’t think you got used specifically. Meaning, she didn’t use you and then discard you. She leaned on you as she would a friend. But we’re not sure it means anything more than that. Her choice of words to you seems a bit coy and non-committal. (“You’ll be at the top of her list when she’s ready.”) She has a list?

However, by your description of her taste in men, she doesn’t seem capable of choosing a good guy just yet. She’s still into guys who treat her poorly, as if that’s somehow more exciting. It makes no sense to us, just as women are baffled by guys who go for beautiful women with not much else going on—not that the two are mutually exclusive. (We’re just making a point.)

We’d say don’t abandon her; she still probably values your friendship. But we think you shouldn’t hold out any hope that she’ll suddenly come around. She’s got a ways to go before she’s ready for a good guy like yourself.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I went to one of my friend’s weddings which was held five hours away from where I live. While there I met a guy who was my age. We hit it off and had a lot in common and sparks started to fly. This all happened in January of this year.

I had drove to visit him 10+ times and he came to visit me. I went to wedding with him, introduced him to my family/friends and met his family/friends; everything was perfect.

After several months of talking we decided to date long distance. We knew it wouldn’t be easy but we gave it a go anyway. I started getting a little suspicious when he wouldn’t add me on Facebook and he would always have a password set on his phone—not like I’d go through it anyway. But it all didn’t add up.

One day while I was visiting, he was at work and I wanted to be cute and write on his calendar. (He had a whole bunch of permanent markers in a cubby on his night stand so I grabbed one and there happened to be a sticky note stuck to one of them.) So of course I read it and it was from a girl telling him she loved him and had an amazing time with him. However, there was no date so it could have been old. I decided to ask him about it and he got all defensive and we got into an argument which didn’t make matters any better.

So automatically that gave me some trust issues with him. My friend found out through her friend that my guy was going to all these bars and all these girls were commenting on his page on Facebook. Which wasn’t a big deal really, but he would lie to me about where he was if I happened to call. He would say his phone died or he was just hanging at a friend’s house when really he was out at the bars. Then to top things off my friend Googled his name and found him posting on this chat message board trying to pick up girls two days before one of my trips to see him.

I haven’t seen him since October 2nd and on the 7th of this month he told me maybe we should end things because I deserve better and all of that. So I got upset and blocked him and we haven’t spoken since. I know he has screwed me over and I’ve been completely faithful and honest but I miss him. I had plans to move there to be with him and everything and now it’s all gone. January of 2012 will mark our one year and it’s hard to think about.

What should I do? Do you think he will come back? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a tough time.

Distance and time can often distort perception. You haven’t seen this guy since October so of course you’re missing him terribly. Yes, you might remember that he cheated on you, but the painful feelings associated with that memory have faded, replaced by memories of the good times you had with him. We’ve all been there.

If you get back together with him ask yourself if things would be different. Do you think you can trust him again? Do you think he will be responsible with that trust? Do you believe when he’s out in the world he’ll be saying to himself ‘How would Ashley feel if I did this’? Because in order to make this work, or any trusting relationship to work, the answer to all those questions must be a definitive YES. Because doubt breeds insecurity, which leads to resentment, and eventually disillusion.

We can’t say whether he’ll come back. The larger question is, should you take him back if he does come back?

People can change, but often it takes time, usually littered with broken relationships along the way before the person finally has an epiphany and realizes they need to fundamentally change. This also must be coupled with self-reflection. Without the two working in tandem change won’t happen.

Guys, tend to take longer to change. Many people say women are more intuitive. That’s not necessarily true. But guys are so programmed to try and be cool and tough that they ignore their intuition in favor of a rough exterior and uncaring attitude. It’s all a smokescreen. But it can take a lifetime to clear all that smoke.

Just think about all these questions as you move forward. There are trustworthy and loyal guys out there. You might not need to recycle the past to get the person you’re looking for.

Be well,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. Use Paypal button.

Dumped by text

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Dear Guys,

I was dating this guy for about 6 months. Things were going good, we were enjoying each other’s time and he was someone I could be open with. Then out of the blue I get this text message saying:

“I just got back from office. I am barely able to finish this text I’m so tired. But it’s important we communicate. I have something to share with you. Met someone that I like and I wanted to give it a fair chance. So I have to be true and fair to myself, you and her. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to continue seeing each other for now. I would like us to remain friends but after a bit of time has passed and I feel comfortable in my relationship. I hope you find it in you to be happy for me and wish me well. It is what I would do.”

It was totally out of left field. I was so hurt. This happened about a month ago and I am still hurt and confused about it. I am 33 and he is 45. This is not something I would have expected from an older man.

My question is, what would make a man break up with somone via a text message? Why did he do that? I gave him no reason to think I am crazy.

Confused and hurt,

Fatisha

Dear Fatisha,

Thanks for your question.

We are as taken aback by this as you are. A 45 year-old guy should know better. We’re sorry.

So we discussed among ourselves the question: Is there ever a time when it’s okay to break up via text?

We could agree on only one scenario:

If a couple uses texting as their primary mode of communication, then it seems reasonable—although still odd to us—that this particular couple could conduct a breakup via texting. Otherwise breaking up in a text message is completely irresponsible and shows a total lack of respect.

We know you’re hurt and sad, but hopefully as time goes by you might realize that this man showed his true colors the day he broke up with you. He used the quickest and easiest way to extricate himself from your relationship and then had the gall to ask for your blessing. This shows how little he valued your relationship, and much about his lack of character and values.

We’d like to think that most people face their challenges head on. They admit if they were wrong. They apologize when warranted. And they don’t avoid those difficult conversations even when they know how unpleasant they are going to be. Clearly your man does not live his life this way. So Fatisha, is this the kind of guy you want to have a long term relationship with? Think about how many challenges life throws at us. Don’t you want someone in your corner who’s got your back? Someone you know you can count on when things get tough? Someone who has your best interests in mind?

Hopefully in your next relationship you have will be a true partnership.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question in the comments section. We’ll respond there. Also, let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

2. Where did all the mistletoe go?

Dear Guys,

I answered a casual encounters ad on Craigslist. No sex. He just wanted to play with my breasts. I thought it would be something like making out, maybe foreplay without the sex; and initially it was. We had our first meeting in public—no breast activity at all. I liked him, so we kept in touch through text messages mostly and a few phone calls. We made plans to see each other on a more regular basis. After a few meetings he suggested that we try something new—extended breast play. I asked, “Don’t we do that already?” So he further explained it as suckling. I asked if it was like breastfeeding, and he said that it was simulating it. I asked if what he really wanted was a pregnant and/or nursing woman. He said no. I asked if he had ever done it before and he said no. He gave me the impression that this was a new experience for us both. So I tried it, and I liked it. It was a lot more intimate than anything we had done prior. Afterwards, I was curious about what we tried so I started googling it. I started with adult breastfeeding, which lead to erotic lactation, and that lead to adult nursing relationships (ANRs).

Anyway, at first I was upset when I found at all of this information. I thought this was something new to both of us but apparently it wasn’t. But after some thought I could see why he wasn’t completely upfront about what he wanted. However, I let my anxiety take over, and instead of waiting patiently to speak with him, I flooded him with texts, and emails and voice mail messages for three days. I didn’t yell or accuse, like I said, I understand why he was less than honest, and I wanted to explore this with him.

Anyway, we never spoke about what I discovered. He said if this was going to work I needed to apply the breaks, heavily. Then he asked me for space. I gave him one week.

He stopped answering my phone calls, emails, and text messages. I became clingy and needy. Eventually I resorted to dropping by his house unannounced. The first time it freaked him out but it ended in a heavy makeout session. The second time he yelled at me in his hallway and sent me away. He was hurtful. I, in turn, sent him a nasty email. We haven’t spoken in a week and a half. I really messed this up. He won’t talk to me, and he has already started looking for someone else. I know he is back to answering (ANR) ads.

I can’t let this go. I feel as though he tossed me aside like a defective blow up doll. Should I apologize? Will he ever be receptive to me again, or should I stay away? Is it possible for things to just go back to being casual, stress free, and fun or will he think I’m crazy forever?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your question.

The issue here is one of expectation. When you answer a “Casual Encounters Ad” on Craigslist, it implies just that: a casual encounter. Nothing more. Nothing less. Your reaction—although in our minds warranted—took the arrangement from casual to serious, which is not something he was looking for. His own internal and external exploration helped him realize he has a fetish for this sort of thing. (ANR) So, he is now looking for like-minded people who have reached this same realization.

We think it’s unlikely your relationship can go back to being just casual and fun. In general, it’s possible to take a relationship from casual to serious, but difficult to go from serious to casual. But we can’t blame you for wanting to understand more about “extended breast play” and then seeking answers from him. It’s too bad he wasn’t able to be honest with you from the get go. But maybe honesty is too much to ask when you answer this type of ad?

The one place we do think you crossed the line is showing up at his house unannounced, especially when you were really angry. Going forward, please try to suppress these impulses unless you want to be labeled as: crazy, loco, psycho, nuts, or creepy.

We’re sorry you feel discarded. But unfortunately we don’t think he’s open to you anymore. But we also don’t think you could have done much differently. Sure you might have acted a bit “needy” but who could blame you? And really, is this the kind of guy you want to be in a relationship with? We doubt it. Not because of his alternative interests, but because of his dishonesty, and unwillingness to explore with you and help you understand. Sharing fetishes and fantasies with a partner can help spice things up and even bring people closer together. But this guy is not looking for one woman he can share his fantasies with but rather as many willing “Milk Maids” as he can find.

We hope this helps. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us any follow up questions. Leave all comments/questions in this comments section here and we’ll respond here as well.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Happy Holidays: Some fun reading and videos

We hope everyone is enjoying themselves this holiday season. We certainly are. If you’re looking for a short break from the festivities and need some quiet time, take in a few of these holiday pieces.

If you have a question, please leave us a note here on the “Ask the Guys” page. We’re doing our best to get to all of your questions.

Until then, enjoy!

THE GUYS

1. Holiday Expectations: The goal of perfection (From our very own “One of the Guys”)

3. Unconventional Holiday Movies

4. Where to take your holiday hookups

5. Holiday dating Dos and Don’ts

6. How to survive holiday dating

7. Healthy relationships during the holidays: Dr. Logan Levkoff-sexologist

8. The four Christmas articles you’ll see on the internet

9. Magic of the holidays (Another article from “One of the Guys”)

10. College Humor Holiday Video

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. Take a look and see what the topic is for February and March. If you’re not a writer, let your writer friends know. We look forward to reading your submissions. Thanks.

My guy is an alcoholic; I just want him to realize what he’s lost

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Dear Guys,

I was with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years. He cheated on me in the past with a girl who is nothing but wrong for him; she has a bad reputation as a known alcohol and drug user. He had a year long affair with her and she influenced him into drinking heavily. When I found out he cheated I left and disappeared from his life for about six months without any arguments and questions. I just accepted that it wasn’t me he wanted so I left him to be happy with her.

After about six months his family members came to me in desperate need, saying he was finding it hard to cope with life without me and therefore turning to alcohol as a barrier to block out the pain. I also witnessed this myself as I couldn’t just take their word for it. At that point in time I really thought he had realized what he lost and really did regret cheating. After convincing me that he was no longer in touch with the other woman I gave him another chance.

He was open and honest with me for a little while when the other woman would try to get in contact with him. He changed his phone number many times but she still got a hold of him. She would post him a letter or sit outside his house. As he was honest about her I believed he wouldnt risk losing me again. But just a few days ago I found out that he was still in contact with her and talks to her all night on the phone. I’m now back at the same stage I was when he first cheated. I don’t understand where I went wrong? Over the 7 years I did so much for him. His family absolutely adores me. When I confronted him about cheating again, he completely lost the plot and told me I was being crazy and paranoid and that I should go and kill myself. He also said that he doesn’t want me in his life and he wished I would just get lost. So once again I decided to leave.

But my question to you today is, if it was her he wanted why did he send his family to come find me? Will he ever realize and cry for me the way I cried for him?

Dear Jo,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you are going through such a rough time.

Your guy has no idea what he wants or who he wants to be with because he’s using drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with life. This doesn’t make him a bad person, but he is ill and needs to get help in order to reclaim himself and get his life back in order.

He is not making a choice between you or this other woman, he’s making a choice between two different lifestyles. This other woman is part of the lifestyle where he uses drugs, and you’re part of his clean living lifestyle. At this point in time he’s not capable of choosing you. It might feel like he’s choosing her, but in reality it’s the chemicals running through his bloodstream that are doing most of the talking.

Why would his family come to you? Because they want to see him healthy and happy, and probably when he’s able to think straight he tells them how much he cares for you. They know you are a good person and are a positive force in his life. However, you aren’t the savior here. Certainly you can support this man if you choose to do so. (Emotionally we mean.) But at this point he’s just going to drag you down with the ship if you choose to be in a relationship with him.

We think you did the right thing by leaving. You have to protect yourself. If he’s cheating on you with this other woman this could be a physical risk for you, but the emotional toll of being with him is even more detrimental to your well being. Will he ever realize what he lost and cry for you? Possibly, but only when he’s sober and seeing the world through a new lens—the kind that isn’t tainted with chemicals. This could take some time, and also may never happen.

Jo, you need to try and move on. You need to surround yourself with people who are healthy and positive, and who support you. Focus on the things you love. Your ex is going to have to figure this out on his own, and/or with the support of his family.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks.

My “so called” male bestie

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

Are my sister’s actions inappropriate?

Dear Guys,

One year ago I met an amazing guy. We slept together on the first night we met. Oops! However, after the one-night stand we both had NO intentions of seeing each other again. However, we exchanged numbers. The rest is history; we talked every day 2 or 3 times a day with numerous text messages. We slept together approximately six more times after the initial encounter. However, three months into our “friends with benefits” he started to become distant and decided we should just be friends with NO sex. I didn’t agree with the NO sex part.

Side note: Six months after we decided to just be friends with NO sex, I had a conversation with him and explained that I could no longer continue our friendship. I was emotionally connected to him and we could no longer be friends to protect my emotional safety. I asked him to not call me anymore or text. He agreed. During this “friendship break up” he says, “I do care about you. And because I care we can’t have sex anymore.” He says he doesn’t have a connection with the other women he sleeps with. He also states that he is very attracted to me, but he never let his feelings grow for me; he always assumed we were friends. * Confusing*

However, the next day after this conversation, he starts calling me, texting, and he says, “I miss your voice, it’s too hard.” I gave in and we are back to talking everyday. Now we have a friendly date once a month. I’m so confused and need your help. What does he want from me??? He dates other people and he is fully aware that I’m dating other people.

However, why be his friend???? If we only see each other occasionally and I’m not getting any sex from him I’m not sure the point. All we do is talk on the phone and text each other. Please help. At this point I can cut him off with no problem. I’m tired of being his friend with no benefits.

Does he just want to be my friend? If so, why does he call me and text me so often? I have several male friends and I don’t talk to them every day. Is he using me?

Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

Thanks for your question.

No, he’s not using you. It sounds like he really values your friendship and wants you to be a part of his life. But we don’t think he wants anything more than that. (Meaning a romantic relationship with you.)

We actually get the sense that this guy is trying to do the right thing. Frankly, he’s being more honest with you than most guys would be. He’s telling you upfront that he cares about you enough to even stop having sex with you. Most guys would just continue having sex until the woman put an end to it.

So this all falls back on you. What do you want Tiffany? Are you able to be this guy’s friend without feeling upset that you don’t have something more with him? Do you want to listen while he talks about the other women he’s dating and sleeping with? Are you truly able to enjoy his friendship? Our sense is you really like this guy and if he wanted a committed relationship you’d stop dating these other guys you’re dating and be with him exclusively. If this is the case, you need to think long and hard about whether or not this friendship is the best thing for you.

Some of us over here at The Guy’s Perspective just watched “Friends with Benefits” with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. (Yes, we have to keep abreast of the “latest” date movies.) Anyway, these types of arrangements just don’t typically work. Someone always gets attached and then ultimately hurt. It’s not always the woman, but it’s always someone.

Decide what you want Tiffany and go from there. If you want this man as your friend by all means keep the friendship. Having a guy friend can be a very enriching and enlightening experience. But if you’re secretly pining for more, you’re headed for more frustration and heartache. We just don’t see the situation changing. Guys don’t work that way.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Are my sister’s actions inappropriate?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

My cheating ex won’t get out of my life. Why?

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

Hi Guys,

It seems like every time I meet or date someone my sister likes to form her own type of relationship with the person. Some of the guys are people I’m dating, others are just friends. (I don’t think she’s trying to date them though.) It starts out innocently enough with a few comments on Facebook and before I know it she has added them as a friend—most of the time she has never even met the person—which then leads to texting/phone and in some cases, hanging out. Sometimes she likes to hijack my phone and text them funny things pretending it’s from me. (Sometimes it is funny, but a lot of the time it’s not.)

This has happened on more than a few occasions…at least six or seven times. I feel like I’m being paranoid but I would never do something like that to her. I’ve been told I’m justified AND I’ve been told I’m jealous.

There is a eight year age gap between us—I am the oldest (33)of three and she is the youngest (25)—and we have always been close, but this really bothers me. Is this a line crosser? I don’t know how to approach her. The one time I did she got bent out of shape and mass deleted everyone on Facebook, saying she wasn’t allowed to be friends with my friends. And the one time I mentioned it to a guy I was told I was jealous.

I’m at a loss as to what to make of it. And, what to do.

Trish

Dear Trish,

Thanks for your question.

You’re in a funny position here. It’s obvious you care about your sister and you don’t want to do anything to damage your relationship, but at the same time you’d like her to stop. (Ahh, the complexity of sibling relationships!)

Rest assured, she is completely in the wrong. She is definitely crossing the line and she seems completely oblivious to this fact. Which says to us, whatever roles you established when the two of you were younger, are still playing out here. Meaning, you’re expected to be the mature and understanding older sister who puts up with her younger sister’s cute pranks. Maybe twenty years ago her antics were adorable, but now that you’re both adults, not so much anymore.

Sibling roles often last forever. Even after kids go off to establish their own lives—maybe getting married and having their own families—these same roles play out over and over during family get togethers and events. In order to break free from these roles it takes work and participation from both sides. Often, if issues arise, one sibling might try to move the relationship to a new place while the other sibling resists, which can cause a rift that can last a lifetime.

We don’t think a lifetime rift will happen in your case, but you are going to have to have a “sit down” with your sis. (This behavior isn’t going to stop on its own.) And this is where being the older sister will help you, because it’s clear she’s trying to get your attention. She’s flexing her adult muscles, demonstrating her power, and probably looking for your approval. Yes, she still wants to know that big sister is paying attention as she navigates the adult world. And of course on some level she’s also competing with you. What younger sibling doesn’t want to “beat” their older brother or sister in something?

What she doesn’t realize is that you’re treating her more as an equal now, someone who should know better. And this is how we might broach the topic. Tell her how much you care about her, but you also might want to flip things on her. Tell her that sometimes even older sis might need some support from younger sis. If she realizes that you in fact don’t have all the answers, maybe she’ll back off and realize she has crossed the line. Hopefully this new understanding will bring the two of you even closer.

However, this conversation may not go smoothly, and it is possible she will have a knee-jerk reaction and be angry for a time. But if you do it with sensitivity—even though she’s not being sensitive now—eventually she’ll understand her behavior is inappropriate.

And for Pete’s Sake, please hide your phone!

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a comment her in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

My cheating ex won’t get out of my life. Why?

Dear Guys,

I dated this guy for about 5 months. We weren’t too serious, but we did see each other every day. We weren’t exclusive but we had been going to family events with one another and holiday things of the sort.

A couple weeks ago he started acting distant and I thought something was wrong. Well, he decided to end things, saying he just needed to figure himself out. No big deal. We were gonna stay friends, and I was gonna let him decide what he wanted to do.

Well after a couple days his ex contacts me saying she had been talking with him—not that it mattered since he and I weren’t exclusive. But then she says she is talking to an old friend of mine as well. They tell me all this drama and I ask my ex about it. He says it’s not true and we continue on like normal.

A couple days later my ex calls me and is LIVID. He tells me that this guy his ex has been talking to apparently fell off the face of the earth. His ex apparently thinks I have made this person up and have been leading her on and feeding her all this info blah blah blah. Now my ex is furious. He then says he wants nothing to do with the drama and cuts me and her off completely. Then I get a call a couple days later from saying I am not allowed to contact him, his family, or anyone else he knows AT ALL. He apparently thinks I am an insecure because he believed I did all this. Then he says he never cared.

None of what he accused me of was true. So I obviously blocked him from everything possible and never contacted him AGAIN. A week later he texts me asking if we can meet somewhere public to discuss this all. He then calls and says he just wants me to own up to all of it and he just wants to “help” me. What man does this? I thought if he actually believed all this he would be running for the hills thinking I was psychotic. Why would he call me AGAIN to just make me upset and angry to tell me I’m a liar AGAIN?

I don’t understand why he keeps contacting me. Why won’t he just leave it alone? Am I missing something? Can you help me understand what is going on here? Does he really believe I have done all this? And if he does, why keep contacting me, shouldn’t you run away from the psycho girl? Is this some sick and twisted way to get me back? If so it’s surely NOT working.

Just try and explain this to me, cause no one else can.

Angry and Confused

Dear Angry and Confused,

Thanks for your question. Honestly we’re a bit confused to actually what went down and with whom. And maybe the specifics don’t actually matter.

From what we can see the confusion began way before all of the “drama” started. The confusion actually began while the two of you were together, because a relationship that’s not exclusive is called dating. This sort of “open” relationship is ripe for all sorts of misunderstandings to happen. Why? Because the boundaries aren’t clear. What is okay and not okay is hazy? And even though both parties might say, “it’s all good,” when it comes down to it someone always gets hurt.

In your case, he got hurt. Because frankly your relationship doesn’t look a lot different now than it did when you were together. (How do you actually break up from a relationship that’s not exclusive? Does that mean, no physical contact anymore?) And if you think about it this way, you can see why he’s upset over your supposed actions. (We understand that you didn’t do what he thinks you did.) In his mind, someone close to him betrayed him. It has less to do with the fact that you dated, and more to do with your friendship. And once again, all of this stems from the lack of clarity with your relationship.

We think you should talk with him. It’s obvious to us that both of you still care about each other, at least to some degree, so why not have the conversation? See what he has to say. Yeah, it probably won’t be pleasant, but if you really want to find out what’s going on, why not get it from the original source, instead of asking everyone you know to enlighten you.

If you do have that conversation feel free to ask us a follow up question. Or just get us up to date. We’re interested to hear how this all turns out. (Leave comments in the comments section here on this post. We’ll do the same.)

Our advice moving forward: You might want to try and stay away from these types of non-exclusive relationships, including getting back together with this guy. (If things get resolved with your discussion.) There are reasons that exclusive, monogamous relationships work.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Dear Guys,

Since I was a freshman in high school I have always had a crush on one of my former coaches. This has been no secret to anyone who knows me and I am even positive that he knows as well. All throughout high school we have had a special relationship—a “Father and Daughter” relationship as he would describe it. But I’ve always been sure that there was something more unspoken between us.

For instance, during games or whenever we were in the same room he would always stare at me, although very discreetly. It’s the way that he stares sometimes. I can’t help but blush or shy away. Also, he would go out of his way to speak with me—interrupting conversations that I am having with others or finding ways to accommodate me. Often he would ask about my status with some of my male peers. And even after I graduated he let me know to email him to stay in contact so he’ll know how things are going with me.

One incident that stands out so vividly in my mind happened at my last volleyball game of my high school career. He was sitting way in the stands. I remained on the bench the entire game. Upset we lost the game and that I didn’t even get to play, I stormed out of the gym and into the nearest restroom. Just shortly after I went in a female teacher—who’s one of his closest friends—came in after me to let me know that he was standing outside the door and wanted to speak with me. (This teacher was also aware of my fondness for him.) I quickly pulled myself together and met him outside the door. The fact that he came after me and noticed my exit out of a gym meant a lot to me. He then talked to me and his face was just inches from mine. That’s when I heard “I love you to death..like a daughter, of course.” I’ve heard him call me his daughter before even though he’s white and I am African American. And I even heard him tell me that he loved me before, but when he spoke with me outside the restroom something about the way he spoke with me told me there was something more to it. Could I be wrong?

To this very day I visit the high school and the girls in the school’s volleyball program. The first person I notice is him when I walk through those doors. I notice that he notices me too but he tries not to seem phased by my presence. Sometimes he doesn’t even talk to me. He just holds conversations with other people and steals glances from a distance. Though we still email each other I can’t seem to understand why things may be so awkward for him.

Am I delusional? Can there be something more? Is this mutual attraction all in my head? Or can he be conflicted because he’s a teacher, coach, husband, and newly father.

Ash

Dear Ash,

Thanks for your question. We’re surprised we haven’t gotten a question like this before.

Relationships between coaches and players—or teachers and students—have clearly defined parameters. Coaches have to be very careful not to cross these parameters if they want to keep their job, or stay out of jail. We’re sure you’ve seen plenty of cases on the news of coaches losing sight of those very clear boundaries and ending up ruining their lives and the lives of all the people who love them.

From what you describe your instincts could be right. It’s possible there could be a mutual attraction. (But we don’t really know. We can only go by what you’re saying.) Players often have crushes on their coaches. They see someone who’s strong, confident, knowledgeable, and maybe even good looking and they start to fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with this person. (Because those particular characteristics ARE attractive, especially to young women coached by an older guy.) And on the flipside, men see beautiful, athletic, young women running around in shorts and tee shirts and it’s only natural for them to recognize this beauty, and be attracted to it.

But it should NEVER go any further than that. It can’t. And if it does, that’s when trouble starts and lives get ruined.

Coaches especially need to be cognizant of the affect they might have on their players and not take advantage of this power. Although this happens all the time in our society. Think rock stars, artists, athletes, etc. But teachers and coaches, whom parents have entrusted with their children, have to be extra diligent about keeping to their clearly defined roles.

We can’t say whether or not he’s actually attracted to you, but it’s clear he’s fond of you. He says he thinks of you like a daughter, so we think you need to take him at his word. And OF COURSE the whole situation is awkward for him. He might care for you but he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s crossing the line, so he has to be guarded. And frankly, he has everything to lose by doing anything more than what he’s doing. He’s a husband and father and he needs to always keep that in mind as he carries himself in the world.

So Ash, it’s fine to have a crush on your coach but you need to leave it right where it is. We realize you really want to know if he also has feelings for you, but we think you need to put this aside and start focusing your energy on men your own age. And be happy you have a mentor/father who cares for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

Dear Guys,

So I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We work together which only makes it worse because his wife works in the same place. When this all started I was married and he approached me. Then, he told me he and his wife of only a few months got separated. He said the only thing left to do was file the papers.

Since then I have divorced my husband. The problem now is that my boyfriend doesn’t know what he wants to do because he is very religious and doesn’t “believe in divorce.” He says he loves me and promises things are going to get better but it’s hard because we have to remain hidden. When I complain about things he tells me if it’s too much I should just walk away from all of it and he will understand.

His wife has now moved back into their home and I see them talking at work. He thinks I am overreacting when I say anything about this. What is really going on here?? Does he really not know what he wants to do or am I going to just be stuck as the “other woman” until I finally walk away from this situation? I have invested so much of my life into him and this relationship based on what he tells me but I’m tired of being a secret and even more tired of waiting for him to make up his mind.

What should I do??

Chelle

Dear Chelle,

Thanks for your question.

When you say you’ve invested so much of your life on this guy, what exactly do you mean? You’ve only been with him a year or so. Are you saying that you feel regret for divorcing your husband because you fell in love with this new man? And now that your new boyfriend is not following through you’re feeling even more regret?

So let’s first put your mind at ease. Obviously something wasn’t working with your marriage long before this guy entered your life, or you wouldn’t have been “open” to meeting someone new. And although we believe it’s best to figure out whether or a relationship is working or not working before getting involved with someone new, we also understand that life is messy, and sometimes things happen.

Obviously this guy is conflicted about what he wants to do. From our perspective it seems while the two of you were both still married he was content to have an affair with you because that’s all it was. But now that you’re single and available, and wanting him to commit, he doesn’t seem ready to make any sort of decision about leaving his marriage. Citing “religious reasons” is just an excuse. And the fact that he says he would understand if you walked away makes us wonder why he’s not willing to do whatever it takes to make this work?

Leaving a marriage is a big deal. It’s a complete upheaval of everything a person knows. It’s scary and uncertain, and frankly, not everyone is up for the task, even if they are unhappy. This man may not be strong enough to do this, at least in the timeframe that you would like.

We think your instincts are right. If he was serious about you he wouldn’t be keeping the relationship a secret. And he wouldn’t keep making excuses. You need to have a very direct discussion with him about what you need from the relationship. If he’s not willing or able to give you those things you might need to make some tough decisions. But please don’t fret over what you’ve invested in this. The time and energy you’ve given to this relationship is all part of the learning process. And you seem like a strong enough person that you’ll be able to move forward if for some reason this does not work out the way you hope.

Relationships are a two way street. They constantly need feeding and nurturing in order for them to flourish. Both people need to be invested. If your man is not willing to give to this relationship now, it’s unlikely he’ll ever be able to. But you’re going to have to figure that one out yourself by talking with him. And be completely honest.

Please keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And feel free to ask any follow up questions.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Paypal button) It’s the holidays you know! Thanks.

Is this an Online Romance or an Online Booty Call?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Why did we really break up?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Does this older guy like me?

Hi Guys,

So here’s the story. I met a guy online about a month and a half ago. We get along great and there is chemistry =) that I will not deny. But I have two problems:

1. Sometimes I feel like this guy is only in it for the sex. And by sex I don’t mean, I’m having cybersex with him. We talk on voice, and he masturbates while we do, and he isn’t afraid to show it either. He has been doing this since day one. He hasn’t asked me to do it and says he will never ask me for sexual favors over the internet. When I confront him, and say that this is all about sex for him, he gets angry over the fact that I doubt his intentions and he says that he feels sexually about me, only because he has feelings for me and cares about me. (I’m not sure if that makes any sense). Some of my guy friends have said that this guy could just be a very sexual person, others say that he’s definitely just killing time, cause if a guy truly liked a grl, he wouldnt be doing things like this.

2. My second problem is that this guy tends to vanish for days and sometimes 1-2 weeks without a word. I leave him an offline every 4-5 days and he doesn’t reply. And just when I’ve let go of hope that he’s coming back, he shows up again!! When I ask him, he tells me he’s been busy with work and doesn’t find time to come online and that he’s really, really sorry. Okay, maybe I should cut him some slack and assume he really is busy with work… but how hard is it to leave me an offline every couple of days? Or is that asking for too much? By the way, the longest he’s disappeared for has been 2 weeks straight.

Other random facts about this mess of a relationship: He talks about the future a lot. I’ve been told that’s a good thing. He has even brought up marriage. And he often says “when we’re married…..etc.” We live really far apart from each other, and that’s why this is so complicated for me, because it’s hard for me to know if he’s for real or not, cause I haven’t met him in person yet.

All I want to know is: Am I wasting my time on something that’s not worth it? And please ignore the pessimism in my message, I’m trying not to let it ruin the guy’s image, but truth be told I’m probably one of the most cynical people, when it comes to love and romance.

Thanks for taking the time to read and answer this. I appreciate it!

Jenna,

Dear Jenna,

Thanks for your question.

It’s hard for you to know what this guy’s true intentions are until you actually spend time together, face-to-face. But right now it’s all just “talk” on his part. Honestly Jenna, we don’t love what we see here. You’ve known this guy for 6 weeks and he masturbates during your conversations, and has since day one? And then he says he’s not just interested in sex? Who is this guy?

We typically don’t tell people what to do, but we’re going to have to say a big NO for this situation. This is not the kind of guy you want to get involved with. If he truly liked you, he’d want to get to know you; which means he’d be trying to figure out how to get together with you in person so he could learn more about who you truly are, rather than some fantasy talk about getting married down the road. This is the kind of situation that worries us about online dating in general, and raises many red flags.

Jenna, we don’t think you’re really okay with what’s going on here, or that this is the kind of relationship you truly want. We don’t get that sense from you.

Sure, guys love sex. (And it’s a good thing if a guy really wants to have sex with you.) But the fact that this guy unabashedly masturbates to your voice tells us he’s not interested in having sex with you specifically. If that were the case, once again, he’d be trying to figure out how to see you in person. (Actions speak much louder than words.) No, this guy is solely interested in the masturbation aspect of this. We wouldn’t be surprised if he’s doing this with other people too, especially since he disappears for days at a time. Sorry, we don’t mean to bum you out, but we can’t get on board with this at all.

Here’s our cynical side: We doubt he’s representing himself accurately. He could be anyone or anybody. And nobody we’d trust. We don’t see a future here with this man.

Here’s our positive side: We know there are a lot of great guys out there for you to meet. Don’t settle for this guy. You deserve to have someone who loves and respects you. Great sex will be part of that when it happens.

Good luck. We’re pulling for you, and only are being tough out of concern for you.

Please feel free to leave us a follow up comment and/or question. (Here in the comments section. We will respond here.)

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Divorced and now online Dating: Am I booty call or more?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Why did we really break up?

Hi Guys,

I’m in the middle of a divorce after 16 years of marriage. It’s been months since I’ve been with anyone. I decided to check out a dating website. I met this very nice looking man. (We are both in our mid 40′s.) It started with small talk and then we decided to meet up for dinner and talk. (It was strange for me.)

Turns out he’s been divorced for 7 years. We both have children and have busy work schedules but, we managed to meet each other and things went well. We said our goodbyes and a few days later we met again, just for a few hours. He came to my place and met my children and we talk and kissed some and that’s as far as it went.

He left town for a couple of days after that but we stayed in contact and he said he wanted to meet up when he got back. And of course, that’s what we did. So for the third date he ended up coming to my place and we had the place to ourselves. We ended up having sex, which by the way he said was nice and thanked me for it? I’ve never had a man tell me that before. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing?

Don’t know what to think or do?

Becky

Dear Becky,

Thanks for your question.

Jumping back into the dating scene after being married for a long time can be confusing on many levels, and maybe even a bit surreal at times. Sometimes the confusion stems from not being clear what the plan is. So what is your plan Becky? What do you actually want from a relationship? We’re not saying that you should know exactly what you want before you begin to date again, we’re just saying that once you figure it out, certain questions will be cleared up.

For example: If you’re just out to have a good time with no strings attached, it wouldn’t matter to you if not everything was clear between you and this guy. Meaning, you’d evaluate the facts only: you had a good time with this man. And you wouldn’t be wondering what he means by thanking you for sex. (Yes, that is a bit “different” but it’s not a bad thing. When is a Thank You a bad thing when the person actually means well?)

But if we really want to get into the nitty gritty of nuance we’d say that his “Thank You” seemed an appropriate thing to say since you did something very intimate together but he doesn’t really know you that well. It’s a response from someone who is trying to acknowledge the disparity between your “interaction” and your relative lack of interactions. Make sense? We think it shows a sense of awareness and caring not often displayed by guys. But it doesn’t mean anything other than that. He’s not necessarily saying he wants to have a relationship, nor is he saying he doesn’t want to see you again. The two of you would actually have to have a discussion about those topics. (If you wanted to that is.)

Our advice to you is figure out what you want out of dating right now. (This will likely change.) Once you figure out what you’re looking for, find someone who wants the same thing. (It could even be this guy?)

But for now, it seems like you’re having a good time. Enjoy it.

Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. (In the comments section here.)

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take some time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

Why did we really break up?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Guys,

I started dating a guy that was on the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend of two years. He finally broke it off. It was strictly his choice and I asked him not to do it on my behalf. We dated for about 5 months after that and had plans to move in together & eventually move out of state together. Until one day he just told me he wasn’t sure if this was what he wanted. He said he needed to change/find himself & couldn’t do that while in a relationship. In that same breath he stated that the way we hooked up was all wrong.

He still has feelings for his ex but not enough to be with her. His ex is doing well financially. He lost his car and other things after their breakup which leads me to believe that he’s tired of struggling and might benefit more from being with her, even though he said their relationship was beyond repair. I even encouraged him to try to work it out with her before it ended.

He is a very attractive man and gets lots of attention from women. I believe he does not trust himself to be faithful and he does not want to hurt me because he cares about me. I am so confused and have so many unanswered questions as to why he really broke up with me. I blame myself for some of it because I don’t think I satisfied him fully sexually because of my own insecurities. My heart is so sad because I had so much hope for the relationship and he’s a wonderful guy that seems to be fighting some sort of demons.

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so sad about this.

We see this as a timing issue more than anything else. Even though you were generous with your support for him and said all the “right” things to him, he was still coming out of a long and serious relationship. Jumping into a new relationship right away is never a good idea. Regardless of what he said, he needed much more time to process and heal. (So we can see why he still has feelings for his ex. This is totally natural and will continue for some time.)

You seem to be a very caring person who wants to do the right thing. But you’re also too hard on yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Yes, it’s sad, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It’s more than likely he’s still in comparison mode, which means his breakup is too fresh for anyone new to stand up to the test.

Also, sometimes the sex IS amazing when you are with someone new. But sometimes it takes time to for people to get to know one another before the sex gets to that “blow your mind” place. Different people have different timelines for how and when they want to open up. The best sex is sex that is open and uninhibited, where both partners are willing to give themselves over, and do what they can to satisfy their partner. (Both have to feel safe and comfortable of course.) It seems natural to us that you wouldn’t feel completely comfortable giving yourself over to this guy if you weren’t really sure where he stood with you and the relationship. That’s asking a lot of yourself. It’s hard to give when you’re feeling uncertain and vulnerable.

Kelli, try to process what you learned from this relationship and then try to apply the new insights as you move forward into new relationships. And be kind to yourself. You’ll know when you meet the right person because he’ll be someone you can be yourself with. This guy was not him.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Hey Guys,

So there’s this guy that I’ve known since 3rd grade and we’ve always been really close. He wanted to date me our freshman year in high school but got too scared that it would ruin our friendship and never asked me out. (He still doesn’t know to this day that I know about this.)

I left after sophomore year when we were 16/17 to move to Boston to become a dancer and now I live in NYC. This past summer I came home. It was three years since I last saw him. (We’re now both 20.) When I saw him this summer we caught up hung out a couple times and we ended up sleeping together. I left to come back to NYC in september and we’ve been texting ever since.

Now he’s coming to visit. I’m really nervous and I’m wondering if he’s just coming to the city to see the sites and get laid. Or is he actually coming also to see me? I’m from AZ and he still lives there now so it cost a lot for him to buy a plane ticket to come up here. (He even had to borrow money from his dad.)

Does he actually like me and want to see me or is he just excited to come to the city and possibly getting laid is the icing on the cake? To me, spending all that money and getting off work and stuff says something. But maybe I’m just being a hopeful girl. Also could it turn into something more? I know long distance relationships are hard, but would a guy really be willing to do that? I’m so nervous and confused right now. Please help!

Brittany

Dear Brittany,

Thanks for your question. We can see that you’re nervous. That’s pretty normal. You like this guy and would like to see if things can progress beyond a physical relationship. And of course you hope he feels the same way.

It’s hard to say exactly what his motivation for visiting you is. Sex will absolutely be part of his expectation for the trip. His drive to have sex is so intertwined with his excitement to come see you that he’s probably having difficulty separating the two himself. In fact it’s likely he doesn’t even know exactly what’s driving him, and he won’t know until after the two of you have been intimate. (If that’s what you decide to do, which is up to you of course.)

Assuming you decide to sleep with him, pay careful attention to how he acts right AFTER you have sex—especially the first time. And by “right after” we mean, RIGHT AFTER and for the next 8 hrs. (Meaning, until his libido kicks back in. It’s different for every guy.) If he’s distant, or acts differently, you’ll know he’s probably driven mainly by his interest in sex. If he still is happy to be with you, and wants to go out on the town with you, hold your hand, and spend time with you beyond the confines of your bedroom then you’ll know he’s got more on his mind than getting in your pants.

These next four paragraphs are just general information about guys Brittany. They are for your information and for all of the other women who might be reading this.

Some women believe that making a guy wait for sex is the way you get them to commit. And this may be true for the short term. If a guy wants to have sex with a woman he will do whatever it takes to make it happen, which means acting sweet, giving her presents, and doing all the things that his woman might like him to do. But a guy is still waiting to make his final evaluation until after he has sex with a woman. Meaning, the way he acts BEFORE sex does not determine how he’ll be AFTER sex. For a guy, sex is often needed for him to make a conscious decision about moving forward or not.

But this is tricky. You also can’t secure a guy’s love through sex. So sleeping with a guy to get him to love you or commit to you, will also not work. And in many cases it will push him away. It’s a fine and mysterious balance. We don’t have all the answers.

Finally, wanting sex all the time is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, having a healthy sex life with your partner is a very important piece of an overall healthy relationship. But both parties need to be giving in the bedroom as well. If your guy is not giving in the bedroom this will be a strong indicator of how he is in everyday life.

Bottom line: You have to do what’s comfortable for you. Every relationship is different. But you should never be pressured into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Go with your gut.

Enough on that topic. Moving on.

Yes, guys are willing to try a long distance relationship Brittany. You’ve probably heard that guys are incapable of being faithful in this type of relationship but that’s a crock of crap. It’s just an excuse for guys to be selfish and do whatever they please. Many guys are loyal and faithful. So don’t let that stop you if you believe you and this guy have a chance for something more.

Our advice: Take it slow. Keep your eyes open. Trust your gut. Introduce him to your friends. Listen to your friends’ opinions. And talk to him. Sure we know most people don’t want to show their hand, but in order for a long distance relationship to have any chance at all, it requires a ton of communication from both parties. And when you’re apart, texting is okay, but phone conversations or Skype are best.

Feel free to give us an update and ask us a follow up question. Leave your question in the comments section of this post.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

I suggested Friends with Benefits (FWB): Did I just dig myself into a hole?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

Dear Guys,

So after 10 years of crushing hard on my best friend’s brother I finally got my chance. I went and visited him and spent the night. We did “the do” and I went home the next day.

Neither one of us want a relationship but I do have some serious feelings for him. But what I wanna know is what’s going through his mind. Out in public we hang out with each other and talk, we have fun and I enjoy his company very much. But does he enjoy me being around?

When I stayed the night I turned over and faced my back to him. He scooted to me and curled up and put his arm around me. The next morning I tested the waters by scooting close to him. He moved his arm and let me in to lay on him; then put his arm around me. He took pictures of the two of us on my camera and while I was riding the bull he took pics of me on his camera.

I got “antsy” because I didn’t know where I stood with him so I tested the waters yet again and offered a “Friends with Benefits” situation. He said, “Yeah, for sure.”

Now is this like a situation where he’s thinking about only getting laid, or is there something there and this is a way for us to be around each other minus the commitment?

Curiously Screwed

Dear “Curiously Screwed,”

Thanks for your question.

As we were reading your question we were thinking that things were going fairly well between the two of you. That is until we read your last paragraph where you offered this guy a “Friends with Benefits” situation. We think you know what we’re going to say, but here goes anyway.

A guy will almost never turn down an offer like that. Even if he actually wants something more—like a serious relationship. And that’s the biggest problem with a FWB situation. It’s so convenient and as close to risk free as you can get when it comes to sex. (Sex if never totally risk free.) So most guys will jump at the opportunity.

But the problem is you’ve leaped into a situation that won’t give you the answers you’re looking for. That’s the issue. It’s clear you have feelings for this guy beyond sex, and have so for some time. We don’t think you should deny those feelings, which you’re doing by saying you don’t want a commitment. It feels a bit like you’re trying to protect yourself. And when you suggest a “Friends with Benefits” situation, how is he going to think about anything else besides getting laid? He’s not. So yes, in this way you’ve dug yourself into a hole.

Some of this guy’s actions would suggest to us that you’re not just an average “booty call.” But we think you need to backpedal a bit and rescind your offer of FWB. And in doing so tell him how you really feel. (We don’t think you should give it all away, but at least tell him that you’d like to see if this could develop into something more. We just get the sense that that’s what you really want.) And in doing so, hopefully you’ll learn something about where his head’s at.

Is this a risk? Sure it is. But what’s the worst that can happen? Maybe he won’t be interested? But at least you’ll have some information to go forward with. And that’s better than having a nebulous affair that will only frustrate and confuse you, and eventually lead to resentment. And you can always go back to a FWB situation. Like we said, a guy will almost never turn down a ”Friends with Benefits” situation. And that also means reverting back to one. Guys will even do this with an ex-girlfriend, although we don’t recommend that for either party.

Keep us posted, and good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And please consider a donation to The Guys. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully. Happy Thanksgiving!

I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Are we “friends with benefits” or does he want something more?

Hi Guys

My Boyfriend and I have been dating now for about 3 years and 8 months. I think we’ve been really happy with each other. We used to say that we wanted to get married. We planned to have 2 kids and to go and work abroad.

But before I continue let me first tell you about his ex-girlfriend. She was very young when she got pregnant with his baby. There were court cases and they had to give the baby up; so they broke up after being together for two years.

That was 5 years ago, and then we started dating and have been very much in love. We now have a child who is six months old. I found a note on my boyfriend’s phone saying that he thinks that I am only in the relationship because of our son, not because I want to be with him. The relationship is not the same; he is having contact with his ex-girlfriend’s cousin all of a sudden and I am afraid that things are going to get worse.

He always talks about his relationship with his ex: what they did, their experiences; and the way she was. He told me that he can guarantee me that she will never come back to him but he’s hoping maybe their son will. But he never says that he doesn’t want her back, or that he doesn’t have feelings for her. I found out recently that his password is her name and surname. On top of that, he doesn’t touch me anymore unless he wants to have sex. He doesn’t kiss me or hug me. It’s like he is ashamed of me.

What can I do to fix it all so that he will forget about his ex and fall in love with me again? I feel so angry and hopeless.

Please Please Please HELP

Kristen

Dear Kristen,

Thanks for your question.

Having some sort of closure is important for any relationship. (Your boyfriend didn’t get closure with his ex.) It sounds like circumstance tore them apart, rather than their diminished love for one another. Without closure, the question always looms: “Should we still be together?” or “What would life be like if we were still together, raising our baby?” And on top of that, now that they’re older and presumably wiser and more experienced, they are also dealing with sadness and regret, especially regarding their baby.

But this doesn’t mean your boyfriend is still in love with his ex, and that he doesn’t love you. It’s likely he does love you. You’ve built a life together. But the specter of that past relationship haunts him, and makes him wonder what his life might have been like if things had turned out differently.

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel, instead of looking for hints of infidelity? And have you ever sat and talked with him about how he feels concerning the baby he had to give up? It’s possible that he has all these emotions bubbling inside of him with no one to talk to about them. And instead of turning to you—the person closest to him—he might be looking to connect with his ex because they have that shared experience. He also knows you’re probably not “open” to the topic, or you’re threatened by the whole subject.

Maybe you need to do a complete 180 and start discussing these issues that are “in the air” but being ignored? Guys are not just about sex. You say, that’s the only reason he touches you anymore, and that may be true. But that’s not necessarily because he doesn’t find you attractive, or even less likely that he is ashamed by you. More likely, he feels disconnected and that’s the only way he still knows how to connect with you.

So Kristen, you have some work to do. Your relationship is far from over, but the two of you need to get reconnected. He needs to know you care about him; and not just because he’s the father of your child. And he needs to know how much his behavior is bothering you, and that you feel like he’s using you for sex.

There are no guarantees here. Once you open up this can of worms, things could go in many different directions. But we can guarantee that at the very least the two of you will begin to understand each other better, which is essential for any relationship to grow and flourish.

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask a follow up question. We’re pulling for you.

THE GUYS

Dating my ex’s friend: Friends with benefits

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

Booty call or relationship trouble

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

This is kind of a long story but I really need some guys’ opinions on this. Most women can rate their friends in their life and this boy is my 2nd best friend in the world. I would do anything for him. We knew of each other because of mutual affiliations but didn’t become friends until I started dating his friend. During the time I dated his ex we became close friends. But after being with my ex for 4 years—with all of us being part of the same circle—the break up kinda made things weird between the whole group.

Now for the hard part. This guy and I have always been very attracted to each other and are super comfortable and trusting of each other. A couple of months after my break up the sexual tension between us became overwhelming and things started happening. We would both try to stay away from each other but we attend the same university and see each other every day so that was really hard to do. I feel horrible because I don’t want to get between him and his friend (my ex) and he feels guilty about it. But whenever we see each other it’s really hard to keep things platonic. And as if that wasn’t bad enough I’m scared that these feelings are going to morph into romantic ones especially when he has started saying and doing some really sweet things. (And I really like him) And even though these thoughts don’t occur often, every so often they will pop up. He has expressed that he wants me not just because of my body but because it’s me. Things have been normal between us despite all sexual relations and none of our other friends have noticed anything yet. He is too important of a friend for me to lose. I want to stop because I don’t want to cause problems between our groups of friends but I do not want to stop at the same time.

I hate drama but “OMG” I love how this boy makes me feels and it’s getting harder to control this. And I’m also curious about how he feels about me, but I’m way too scared to ask. I don’t know what to do.

Please any kind of advice will help.

Flora

Dear Flora,

Thanks for your question.

You’d be surprised; this type of situation happens more than you might think. And it makes sense in some ways. When people spend a lot of time together intimacy happens. This intimacy can be the friend variety, it can be the romantic variety, or it can be something in between. While you were dating your ex you were also getting to know this guy and forming a strong bond with him. You can’t help it that he happened to be good looking too. So what we’re saying is, you should stop beating yourself up over this. Sure you might feel guilty, but this makes perfect sense, and we see nothing wrong in you wanting a relationship with your ex’s friend now that the two of you have broken up.

However, we’re not so sure if it makes perfect sense for your “friend.” He stands to lose more than you if the two of you are “found out.” (And we’re not so sure your friends and his friends don’t already suspect something’s going on between you. People can smell that kind of thing a mile away. No, we’re not being literal here, but we are being serious.) He will likely lose his friend (your ex) if the two of you continue to move forward. There’s a kind of an unwritten code between guys which states: Guys don’t date their best friend’s ex-girlfriends. And most of the time this isn’t difficult to abide by because most guys don’t like the idea of dating a woman their best friend has had sex with. However, like we said before, it happens more than people might think. So basically your “friend” has some serious thinking to do. He is going to have to make a choice between you or his friend (your ex), unless your ex is one of those super understanding guys. We don’t know any ourselves. (Side note: Sometimes after a very long period of time it’s okay to date a friend’s ex. This would be years though.)

Back to you.

If you are really into this guy we don’t see anything wrong with seeing where it goes. Because if you don’t, you’re always going to wonder what would or could have happened. And there’s nothing worse than regret in this life. We’re not guaranteeing it’s going to work out for you, and we’re not guaranteeing it’s not going to get messy or even ugly. But on the flipside if it does work out into a long term romantic partnership—that sounds so formal, but you know what we mean—then it will all be worth it. If it doesn’t work out, you can at least feel good that you took a chance on love.

But this all comes down to communication. You need to tell your “friend” how you feel and what you want. He’s not a mind reader. And based on what you say he very well might feel the same way about you. See what his reaction is and see what his take on the situation is. If the two of you decide to move forward with a more serious commitment you might want to think about calling your ex, or meeting with him, and explaining the new situation. (Yes, this will be hard and not necessarily pretty, but at least he’ll hear it from your mouth.) Your friend might want to do the same, although we wouldn’t want to be present for that. (Just kidding…kind of.) In general we think it’s best to be open and honest with the people in your life.

But what you shouldn’t do is continue what you’re doing now. If you’re not going to be serious about this relationship you should stop the “friends with benefits” thing immediately. In the end that’s not going to be good for anyone involved, especially you.

Good luck. Feel free to leave us a follow up comment, or ask us a follow up question. (In the comments section here)

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. We do our best to give thoughtful and thorough answers.

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Relationship Advice: He won’t tell people we’re a couple

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Summer fling or boyfriend?

We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

Is my boyfriend a cheater?

Dear Guys,

I have been seeing/dating/sleeping with this guy for 7 years. I have met his family and friends. He says he loves me.

My problem is, when I ask him for a title for our relationship, he doesn’t answer me. He says for me to tell people what I want, or just avoids answering. I don’t know what this means. I’m confused as to why he can’t at least say, “Tell them we are seeing each other,” or something like that. His friends, my friends, and even his family knows we are a couple. So what’s the probem??

He tells me I can see whomever I want, but if I start to see someone else in one way or another he spoils any hopes of me having a relationship with another man. I want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to shout to the world, “She is mine!!” I try to relax and enjoy us for whatever we are, but I can’t completely because I feel until he claims me OUT LOUD to everyone that we are WE, he is just using me.

What should I do?

Rose Marie

Dear Rose Marie,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, you deserve to be with someone who is proud to say, “She’s mine!”

After seven years if you’re still getting the same non-response to your inquiries then do you really see this changing? And when you couple this with his apathetic attitude about you seeing other people, it doesn’t seem to “add up” to a satisfying relationship. In fact, it’s kind of confusing to us what’s really going on between the two of you.

From what you describe he’s definitely giving you mixed messages. He says he loves you, but then he says it’s okay for you to see other people. (If a guy loves a woman there is no way he’d be okay with his woman seeing someone else. That doesn’t make sense really.) So which is it?

We can’t tell you what to do. You know what’s best for you. But if you really want this situation to change you need to get him talking more. If he won’t discuss this very important issue—one that’s really bothering you—then he isn’t going to be the kind of guy who’s willing to discuss other important issues that arise down the road. A committed relationship is all about solid and open communication. Otherwise prepare for a lifetime of frustration.

Last thing. You seem kind of open to seeing other guys. It seems you’re more focused on being in a committed relationship with a man, rather than this particular man. Maybe this warrants some thought? Meaning, if you’re only not seeing other guys because “this guy” derails every opportunity that comes up, then maybe your heart is wandering for a reason?

Hope this gives you some things to think about. Leave us a follow up question or comment.

Good luck. We hope this works out for you, one way or another.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Is my boyfriend a cheater?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Summer fling or boyfriend?

We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

Dear Guys,

I have a nagging gut feeling that my boyfriend cheated on me in the past and has not come clean. We’ve been together for 1.5 years and we live together. Throughout our relationship, my boyfriend has had several moments where he questioned my commitment to him. (Really, it was more like he would stonewall me until I asked what’s wrong about 100 times and then say something to the effect of “I know you cheated I wish you would just admit it!”) I have NEVER cheated on my boyfriend. Not even come close. Yet, it seems that we can’t go an entire month without him having some question about my trustworthiness. And, if it’s not about trustworthiness, it’s about something I did that happened over a year ago that I have long since apologized for. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter how many times I apologize for something, it always comes back later and I feel like it’s pointless to argue with him because the same issues always resurface later.

Recently, my boyfriend told me that during the first month of our relationship, he cheated on me because he thought that I was cheating on HIM. I asked him some clarification questions (i.e., were we living together, when did this happen, etc.) and he got very vague and non-responsive. I was beside myself with hurt, anger, and frustration. After about 3 minutes of us sitting there, he said he was only joking. It didn’t feel like a joke, and I definitely wasn’t laughing, and neither was he. I explained to him my hurt over this “joke” and that I did not find it funny, and he apologized. This is not the first time this has happened. A while back, when he was questioning me AGAIN about my fidelity, he said something to the effect of, “I just want to know if you were with someone else when we started dating, because I was.” Again, when I started having my feelings about it, he took it back and said “I was only JOKING! God, you’re so serious!”

I don’t know how to proceed. My gut tells me something is very wrong, yet I feel powerless to even discuss this with him, as he will deny it no matter what because I have no other evidence than my uneasy gut. I can understand someone making a joke in bad taste, but for him to say that he cheated on me in a manner that seems very serious to me and then say he’s joking without even laughing, I can’t help but feel like he was being honest with me the first time around.

Should I kick him out?

Thanks,

Confused and Anxious

Dear Confused and Anxious,

Thanks for your question.

You have some serious trust issues going on in your relationship—from both sides. You allude to some incident that happened with you, but you don’t clarify. We assume the incident was serious enough—even though it might not have been “cheating”—for him to question your trustworthiness. And as you know, once trust is in question, it becomes very difficult to be in a relationship, because without trust there is no relationship.

We have no idea whether or not he cheated on you. But we do always say, “Trust your Gut.” (Watch our video on this topic.) You would know better than we do about whether he’s dabbling beyond the four walls of your apartment. However, we can say that sometimes a person will cheat if they think their partner is cheating. They say to themselves, “I might as well beat them to the punch. I’ll hurt them if they’re going to hurt me.” It’s up to you to figure out whether or not he was joking. (We agree. This is in bad taste. Not the best way to conduct yourself in a loving, committed relationship.) But some people never get over being hurt. It could be that he wants to trust you, but something in his gut tells him not to as well.

So our suggestion: Both of you need to totally come clean in order for this to work. You two need to start over. Rewind. Forgive, if there’s something to be forgiven about. And move on. If you can’t do this, then it’s time to truly move on from each other.

How do you do this?

Start talking. And if you can’t figure out how to do that, then go see a professional. (Couples counselor) But it all starts with honest and open communication. Otherwise, this back and forth—you did this, you did that—negativity will continue in perpetuity.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks.

We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Summer fling or boyfriend?

Dear Guys,

So, there’s this guy. We’ve known eachother since we were ten (we’re seventeen now), and have been more or less friends since we met. Our families are good friends, so we see each other a lot. I’m close friends with his siblings (older and younger) as well as him.

Anyways, three or so years ago everyone was talking about how he really liked me, and he actually did since he told people. I had had a “crush” on him before, but nothing had ever come of it since I had a boyfriend at the time. People eventually stopped talking about it. After my boyfriend and I broke up last summer though, he started always being around. He would always make a point to come over and talk to me; he emailed me constantly and was always teasing me. He also stared at me all the time, etc., and we got really close. I kinda started liking him again. Then his sister said she was pretty sure he still had feelings for me. So I spent a while thinking about how I felt—I wanted to be sure my feelings for him weren’t just a rebound—and decided that I really did like him a whole lot rather than because I had just broken up. So I kinda flirted back with him a bit, and it was fun. We weren’t quite best friends, but we were really pretty close and talked about a lot of stuff.

This went on for like eight or nine months, but this summer it just stopped. Now I might be standing right next to him at a party and he will hardly talk to me or look at me. I’ve even tried to start a conversation a couple times, but he just gave monosyllabic answers so I gave up. This went on for three months. We even had to ride in a car for three hours with two other people and he would pointedly talk to everyone except me. Nobody knew why he was being like that, and he didn’t do it to anyone else. So I tried to get over him since he was being so weird for no apparent reason. But I still like him.

Then in August he started talking to me again, but not really. Like, if we’re standing together we’ll make polite small talk, and he’ll make eye contact with me again, but he never goes out of his way to communicate with me, and when we have to communicate via email or text, he gives real short answers and doesn’t seem to really want to talk. Normally I would think that this means that he obviously is not into me, but a lot of times I’ll look up and he’ll be staring at me. And there have been a couple times when we’ll be in a group and he’ll say something funny and when I start laughing we’ll make eye contact and hold it for a really long time… stuff like that. I’ve talked to one of his older brothers and one of his younger sisters (two of my really close friends) and they both seem to think that there’s a really good chance, but neither of them know for sure. I don’t get it at all.

So I guess what I’m asking is what is ya’lls perspective on why he might have stopped talking to me all of the sudden, and why is he acting so weird?? Am I seeing what I want to see even though he really doesn’t want to even be friends, or does he still have feelings for me?

Thanks a ton!

~Rose

Dear Rose,

Thanks for your question.

Actually it seems to us that he does like you but no longer knows how to act around you. He’s lost his easy going demeanor because he is uncertain how you feel about him. So instead of telling you how he feels, he does the opposite, and ignores you. This is like the elementary school boy who throws snowballs at the girl he likes because he wants her attention and doesn’t know how to express himself. Your friend sounds inexperienced.

However, the fact that your families are close does make the situation a bit more complicated. We can see why he might not want to let his feelings be known. If you don’t reciprocate then he’s left in a very uncomfortable position.

So what should you do? Well, Rose, that’s up to you. If you feel comfortable being the initiator then go for it. But if you don’t—which we totally would understand—you’ll have to drop some serious hints to let him know that you might be open to something more than just friends. And maybe, if they are willing, you can get his brother and sister to help you?

If in fact he doesn’t like you, and our interpretation is off, then frankly, you’re better off moving on to be with someone who’s going to be more straightforward about his feelings. AND with someone who is able to express himself.

But good luck. We hope it works out for you. Please keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! And please do consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take a good amount of time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

Summer Fling or Boyfriend?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

He asks ME to call HIM

Hi Guys,

I just finished university this year and a guy who I had a class with in first semester (Sept-Dec) started messaging me out of the blue back in April just “to say hi.” I was really surprised to hear from him because it was so random, but I did respond and we continued to chat via Facebook until about June. We kept trying to make plans but all the work at the end of the semester it was too much for either of us to get together!

He had a big get together with a lot of his friends on the night of our convocation and he invited me to come out for it. There was a lot of people there but we ended up sitting by ourselves chatting. He also introduced me to his friends when they came over to talk with us. He was supposed to be going away for a month shortly after graduating and while he was gone I was leaving for another two months to travel. Because of that, even though I was interested in him, I didn’t think anything substantial would really develop between us. We have really good chemistry and we had a really fun night and ended up hooking up, which I of course now totally regret.

As it turned out, he ended up breaking his leg and he wasn’t able to go away. So because he didn’t end up leaving he continued to call/text me to hang out. I wasn’t always able to (so I wasn’t always available) and he was pretty consistent and I guess we fell into some sort of ‘friends with benefits’ relationship without me really thinking about what I really wanted. I figured that while I was traveling we would just lose contact.

Just before I left, he texted me that he would miss spending time with me and that he really enjoyed seeing me, which I really appreciated, and I told him that I’d miss him too. While I was gone we still stayed in touch through email and Facebook, which was really nice. We were both pretty consistent about staying in contact.

I came back almost three weeks ago and as soon as he knew I was back he messaged, texted, and called me immediately! I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship I wanted with him—FWB, boyfriend or just platonic—and I did want to talk to him about that, but I was kind of afraid to because I do remember in a conversation we had once he mentioned that he wasn’t sure if he was good boyfriend material. He does confide a lot of very personal info with me and that came up in passing. So at any rate, I haven’t had that conversation with him as of yet. Since I’ve been back we’ve been in pretty regular contact but it feels different, more complacent now. He doesn’t call as much and he tends to stick with texting.

He’s doing his PhD at the moment so he’s pretty swamped with school and he’s not going out as much as he was in the summer. But recently he did go to an event that he told me about but didn’t invite me to. It wasn’t something where tickets had to be bought well in advance because he was trying to get an extra ticket for one of his friends on the day of. I know he’s pretty good friends with his best friend’s girlfriend and sometimes he’ll hang out with her. (I’m quite positive they have a platonic relationship – he’s very loyal to his guy friends so I don’t think there’s intimacy between him and this other girl – she’s crazy about her boyfriend.) So I think in part he might not have asked me to go with him because he might have been going with her already.

I don’t usually initiate getting together with him because he usually does the initiating but since I’ve been back I’ve only seen him twice despite still at least texting each other almost every day. And the last time I hung out with him I initiated the get together. And it was because I’m in the process of moving and I needed a place to crash, and he said I could stay with him. But that night when I was staying with him I was beginning to wonder if he was going to get bored with our relationship and it would fizzle out. I usually just go to his place and hang out with him there when I do see him. So in that regard he isn’t putting as much effort in anymore.

Two friends and I are having a joint birthday party in a couple weeks and so of course I sent out a FB invite to him for the event. (A lot of people are invited, so it is pretty casual.) He said (via text) that it sounded like a night not to be missed.(Implying that he would attend.) But on the FB RSVP he still hasn’t responded and I’m wondering if he is not wanting to commit, or if he’s waiting for something better. I know he’s been online and he knows about the event but hasn’t responded.

So… I’m confused. He seems to be interested in me, he continues to be in contact with me, I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else on the side. (I can pretty much come over when I want, so long as he’s not in class.) And I know he cares about me—he’s told me, and he’s very affectionate with me; he kisses me repeatedly on the forehead & cheek when we’re lying in bed together; and he will hold my hand in public. But on the other hand, I almost wonder if he’s keeping me in the shadows of his life. I’ve only been back a few weeks and I don’t think I’ve given us enough time to really assess the nature of our relationship, especially considering he’s doing his PhD, and I do know he’s swamped. But things are different than before.

What should I make of him?? I’m trying to just let him chase me but at the same time I wonder if he’s bored. If he’s bored wouldn’t he just stop contact completely?

Thanks!

Alice

Dear Alice,

Thanks for your note.

We don’t think the question is whether or not he’s bored. Guys don’t get bored from hanging out and having sex. In fact, a guy could easily stay in a “hang out and have sex” type of relationship for years, especially if he was busy with his career or studies. The problem with this type of arrangement—or we should say, one of the many problems with this type of arrangement—is that it typically never goes anywhere. The guy gets lazier and lazier over time, and starts making less effort to do more than the status quo, and consequently the woman gets more and more frustrated and confused. Eventually it kind of just fizzles away.

Don’t panic yet, Alice. Your situation hasn’t reached these proportions, but it’s headed there fast. We’re sure you’ve read these books that lay out certain rules that women and men should follow when starting a relationship. And while they certainly apply in some cases, each situation is different. In your case, the time to let him do the pursuing is over. You’ve known him over a year, been “hanging out” with him over six months, and you’re still in the exact same place, except now you want to know what’s going on. Well, we can’t blame you.

It’s time to have THE CONVERSATION. Yes, the dreaded conversation that defines what you have together. As uncomfortable as this may be, you need to get some answers from him, otherwise this situation will go on interminably. Because what motivation does he have to change it? He’s pretty much getting what he wants: a nice diversion from his busy life with a sweet and pretty girl. And in fact, the more we think about it the more this guy sounds like a possible player. His comment early on to you—”I’m not really boyfriend material.”—speaks volumes about where he’s at, and it really set the table for the type of arrangement you’re currently in with him.

And this thought just struck us: There’s a big difference between a relationship and an arrangement. One is robust and full of life, and the other is all business. You need to find out which one you’re in. Stop worrying about what he wants, and whether or not he’s going to get bored, and start focusing on what you want. You may not even know exactly what that is until you talk with him. You deserve some answers Alice, but the only way you’re going to get them is to talk to him.

Good luck. We’re hoping this works out the way you want it to. But if not, every relationship you have will better inform you for the future. Just remember to be clear about what makes YOU happy and satisfied.

THE GUYS

ps. Join us on Twitter for real time conversation. And let your friends know about us.

He asks ME to call HIM

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Hi Guys!

Thanks a lot for reading my message.

I met this good looking guy at a party before summer vacation. He asked for my number and my email before we said bye. Then he asked if I would call him. This question confused me, but I said yes. He never called me or anything.

One month later I sent him a friendly text message. He never replied. So, I didn’t do anything more. I saw him the first week of classes after the summer. I just said hi in a friendly way. Two days later I received an email. I replied 4 days later, but he never replied back. Then I saw him on a party a week ago. I said hi and we started talking. In less than 10 minutes, he asked if he could visit my lab at school. Also, he made plans to go the library with me, but again he asked me to call him or send him a message. Very directly, I told him, “I’m not going to do it because you don’t reply.” He said, fine he would call. Of course he never called or replied.

My instinct tells me to forget him. He seems not as interested as he appears to be when he sees me. I just need a confirmation please. Also, before I forget, a friend who knows him told me that he is shy, but I can’t believe this, because he starts hitting on me in less than 10 min. of the conversation.

Is he a pathological player or what?

Thanks again guys,

Winterflake

Dear Winterflake,

Thanks for you question.

Your instincts are right. This guy is a waste of time and energy. He might be attracted to you, but he’s not interested enough to do much about it. (And forget the whole shy angle. He’s not shy. He’s used to women coming after him.)

And let’s just say for some reason the two of you actually started dating. Can you imagine the frustration in dealing with someone who doesn’t communicate well? This guy doesn’t follow through, he doesn’t keep his word, and he’s complacent and apathetic.

We say, move on.

And oh, here’s a good general rule: Guys should be the ones pursuing AND calling.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz.

What is going on in my marriage? I am confused and tormented

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Dear Guys,

I married my husband about 18 months ago. We had only been together for 6 months when he proposed – he tells me he was “so in love with me” and he was the first man I dated after a 12 year marriage. Two months after we got engaged, I got pregnant. We still got married and had our daughter. Unfortunately, the month before our daughter was born his “friends” started being rude etc (calling me out on public social networks) because he had a fight with them. I apparently was the cause. When our daughter was born he went to the “friends” begging for their forgiveness – I felt betrayed that he would do that to me. I told him this and he said that I was being ridiculous and dismissed my concern. He no longer talks to them. (By his choice)

We have had a number of issues since January of this year:

a) He closed his company and is no longer earning the same amount as before. I am now carrying the burden of “our” joint debt as well as having to pay for his car payments, insurance etc

b) He works any and all hours that are available and leaves me raising our kids. I have to pretty much beg him to help.

c) A month ago I found condoms in an overnight bag. I asked him about it and he was very very upset and angry with me. Asking me how could I ever accuse him of cheating on me. A week later, I found a condom in his console of his truck while helping him look for something. I was so hurt and upset and figured that maybe our marriage was done. He threatened me that “there would be no turning back.” A week after that incident that condom is missing. (I put money in console and noticed it was missing.) When he found out I knew, he told me that he threw it out because I was so upset. But he hasn’t gotten rid of the condoms in the overnight bag? I am totally confused. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else and he got very hurt and upset with me. He tells me that I should know and how could I even imagine that? He tells me that if I don’t trust him then we have serious problems.

d) Our sex life doesn’t exist. We have had sex twice in the last 2 months. When I ask him about it, he blames it on: the fact that he is tired, I don’t make an effort in any way (either appearance wise with the appropriate lingerie), and I don’t make any gestures that I am interested. We never have had “a lot of sex” since we dated. In the prime of our relationship it might have been once a week maximum. He then tells me that he is disappointed because I tease him and tell him that I might go out and get lingerie.

e) I mention to him about counseling and he tells me that “if we need counseling then we have SERIOUS marriage issues”… He then tells me that we don’t.

f) I ask him if he loves me and he gets very upset and angry- telling me that he would do anything for me and our daughter and he is tired of having to keep on telling me. He tells me that he loves me more than life itself and that I’ll ever know.

g) He reminds me of how I have changed – I don’t make lunches for him etc

h) He gets angry if I call him at work – Tuesday night when I called to ask him when he would be home (he left at 8:30am and when I called him it was 9pm) “when he was tired.”

So, if he loves me why is he doing this?????

Lola

Dear Lola,

Thanks for your question. We’re not sure what he’s actually doing? Or is it what he’s not doing? Let’s try and figure this out.

We can see how you’d be suspicious, but finding condoms in his truck or his overnight bag is not enough to incriminate him. Were they always there and you just never noticed them? Was this overnight bag something he used to bring to your place? Sometimes guys have old condoms lying around just out of habit. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating. (We’re not saying the possibility isn’t there, what we’re saying is, in order to answer this question we’re going to take him at his word. It’s up to you whether you do. And you would know that better than us. But everything we say here is based on taking him at his word.)

Let’s start with the sex. It’s very common for a couple’s sex life to decrease a bit once life consumes them. If you only had sex once a week in your prime courting time, it only makes sense for you to be having even less sex now. Also, your husband is now working odd hours, you also have a kid, and you have bills to pay. By the end of the day he’s probably wiped out and possibly overwhelmed with trying to foot his share of the load. It only makes sense that he’s not that interested in sex. Also, if you’re constantly asking him to prove his love and loyalty that’s probably contributing to his general lack of interest.

FYI: Many guys have a higher libido in the morning. Any chance you can rearrange your day and make this happen? With so much on your collective plate, you might need to mix it up a bit. Get creative. Try new things, new times of the day, new places, etc.

If your husband truly loves you like he says he does then your constant mistrust of him, AND his love, is seriously undermining your relationship. (We don’t know him, so once again we’ll take him at face value.) It can get tiring to have to prove to someone over and over how much you love them. And in your case it’s more a reflection of your own insecurity rather than his lack of love. We do agree with you that counseling, or seeing someone as a couple so you can voice your feelings, might not be a bad thing, but at the same time, it’s pretty typical that guys will be resistant to this sort of thing, especially if he doesn’t understand why you don’t trust him.

The only way you can make this work is to start trusting him Lola. And if you don’t trust him then you need to rethink your commitment to him and the relationship. But until you know for sure that he’s doing something unsavory, we think you need to do everything you can to hold up your end of the relationship. And then of course it’s up to him to do the same.

We do wish you the best and hope you can work this out. We don’t like to see families break apart.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

He’s not willing to commit; Where is this going?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Hi Guys,

I have been in a relationship with the same man for 7 years. We have a 3 year old and I love both of them more than anything.

My quetion is, will he ever commit? He says when he is ready he will ask me to marry him and that I need to accept that. But he has said he won’t be ready for at least another 2 years. I am worried that he doesnt’ love me like he used to. His priorities are #1 work,2 our daughter,3 the dog,4 friends,5 beer,6 porn,7 hanging out with neighbors,8 sex,9 sex with me, 10 me. I do not know what to do.

I do everything for him cook,clean, laundry, start sex,make his plate for dinner, make him lunch, teach our daughter, take care of the dog etc.. And when I asked him what he thought his responsibilities were he told me he does the money making and that should be enough.

Just last night I tried to have sex with him I started things because he was watching porn on TV so I figured he was in the mood. He turned me down, kept watching, and eventully changed the channel and fell asleep.

What doe this mean?

Kaylee

Dear Kaylee,

Thanks for your question.

The father of your child has checked out emotionally and this has thrown your relationship into a major rut. On the plus side, at least he has a job and cares about his child. (Many people who check out of relationships, check out completely. He hasn’t done that. Yet.)

But, your relationship is definitely gravitating towards the danger zone. Meaning, if a spark isn’t lit soon the fire may fizzle completely. Your definitely have some valid concerns, but from our point of view you’re enabling him by letting him think his responsibilities stop with making money. We’re not sure where he got that line from—actually we can guess—but it certainly wouldn’t fly in a high percentage of modern households. Times have changed, and men and women are often sharing all responsibilities revolving around the kids and the home. Sure it’s never exactly even, and if he’s working long hours then maybe he gets a pass for some of it, but he doesn’t get a pass to sit around and watch porn while you suffer from his lack of caring.

But what bother us more is the fact that he’s not even willing to have a conversation about it. Successful relationships involve solid communication where couples can air their concerns without being completely shot down and shut down. Your job is to figure out how to get him to hear your point of view.

We’d start by trying to reignite the romantic piece of the relationship. Maybe get a babysitter and actually go out on a few dates. Try to remember why the two of you got together in the first place. You two need to start connecting in some other ways besides sex. However, we wouldn’t be surprised if this is not easy. He might need a not so gentle push to get him up off the couch. But if he’s unwilling to work with you on the relationship then you need to ask yourself a few questions.

What am I getting from this relationship?

And how far am I willing to go to get what I need?

This may sound selfish, but it’s not. A relationship needs to be gratifying and satisfying for both parties. Marriage may be what you ultimately want, but our guess is, if he was a more agreeable and giving partner you might not feel so anxious about it.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow Up question)

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

The Duality of Men

Hi Guys,

It’s Sadie again and I have another(!!) question for you to please ponder. It’s a follow–up to the question I sent you about a month or so ago (“Long Distance: Should I Pursue?”). As it turns out, even though my internships went well in England I decided to come back to Canada for at least another 5 or 6 months. I’m back to seeing my friend who I went to Rome with. My question boils down to the fact that I’m not sure how he genuinely feels about me. I know you’re not mind readers.

So, let me fill you in about what’s been going on with us since I last wrote you. Since then we’ve been pretty much in constant contact—usually Facebook messages a few times a week and the occasional Skype chat. He became better about instigating contact with me, especially if a few days would go by if he hadn’t heard from me. I don’t feel anymore as though I am the one putting in the bulk of the effort to stay in touch. When I got back to Canada a couple weeks ago he didn’t “play it cool” (as I put it last time) by biding his time before calling me; he messaged me on Facebook a few times and as soon as I sent him my new number he texted me then called me the same day; he wasted no time! So we met up last week and had a really fun time; it was pretty much just like before I left. I haven’t seen him since then because we’re both pretty busy right now so I don’t know yet how the dynamic between us will progress now that I’m back for longer than a couple of months.

Fortunately, I followed your advice you gave me before. (Read her first post readers) But now I realize that the position I have put myself in is that of a FWB (Friends with Benefits).

At any rate, before I came back to Canada I told myself I wouldn’t let myself be a friend-with-benefits but evidently I didn’t do a very good job of making that clear! I kept changing my mind as to whether or not I’d be able to be in a FWB relationship with him. On the one hand, I am happy enough to keep it like this because we do get along really well and I really like spending time with him. I really do value his friendship and I don’t want to risk losing the closeness I have with him if I cut out the intimacy factor. I’m not sure if he would still put in the consistent effort that he does to spend time with me if we kept our friendship platonic. If he were to tell me that he wanted to actually commit to me I’d have no hesitation for that. I know that’s what I want from him but I’m almost thinking if that’s what I want at the end of the day then maybe I should keep it status quo and see if anything progresses?

But that this leads me to total confusion. How does he actually feel about me? Whenever I talk about how he is with me people always think it sounds really positive with potential. But when I did address “us” with him his response boiled down to that he’s not sure if he can be committed in a relationship at this time. Fair enough – but maybe he’s letting me down nicely. He told me he cares about me and he’s sweet with me; and he makes a better effort to see me etc etc On the surface it does kind of seem as though he wants to date me. My take on FWB relationships is that, in general, the friends don’t necessarily feel a super strong enough connection to want anything much more than what they’re already getting out of the relationship. Stemming from that perspective, I’m not really sure about how much they genuinely care about each other. I see those relationships as the kind to most likely just fizzle out because I think that there should be more of a build up or gradual progression in a serious relationship. I know that if he were to tell me tomorrow that he has met someone and wants to start dating her I’d be very upset but I’m not sure how upset he’d be if I told him tomorrow that I met someone and was going to pursue a committed relationship with a new guy. And even though I know I should ask I really don’t want to bring this up because I’ve already had this sort of talk with him before. Should I just maintain this friend-with-benefits relationship and just hope it doesn’t totally fizzle??

Sorry this was so long winded, but in a nutshell I am really hoping you can give me your perspective about how you think he feels about me. Should I just keep it as a FWB situation with him in hopes it might progress into something down the road? I should mention that I’m really good at keeping myself busy and I’m still keeping my eyes open for something more substantial, but on that front I won’t let anything go too fast. ( Lol!) I don’t think I’ll let myself miss opportunities for this one guy I’m fixated on right now even if it stays status quo.

Thanks!!!

Sadie

Dear Sadie,

Nice to hear from you again. Thanks for your question.

Here’s a progression for you to ponder:

Phase 1: Friendship
Phase 2: Friends with Benefits
Phase 3: One person—often the woman—starts to develop strong feelings beyond physical intimacy. (Emotional connection)
Phase 4: Frustration and confusion ensue
Phase 5: Heartache

We don’t see a happy ending to this situation Sadie. Sure he likes you, and might treat you well when he sees you, but we don’t see this developing beyond exactly what it is: a fun booty call for him.

If you’re staying in this relationship hoping it’s going to progress into something more serious we think you should move on. If you really think you can handle being in this situation and have fun with it, then continue the status quo. On the one hand you say you’re happy enough to have some sort of relationship with him, but then in the same breath you say you’d totally jump at being in a relationship with him if he asked you. This disparity troubles us. It seems clear to us that you want something more from this guy. (And we think it’s pretty clear to you as well.) And honestly if he’s just sweet and friendly with you because he’s getting “benefits” we just can’t see what you’re really getting from this. If this was just about sex, we imagine you could find many a willing partner for that .

We understand that you care for this guy and really want this to turn into a committed relationship, but from what we can tell, all the signs point to this remaining exactly as it is. And ultimately we see you being dissatisfied with this arrangement, and maybe even hurt by it.

Keep us posted. And good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

The duality of men: Are all men dogs?

A special post from THE GUYS (Twitter: @TGPBuzz)

How can a man be a nice guy and at the same time, a Total Dog?

This question seems to be a source of confusion and dismay among women across the world. So today we’d like to expound upon this principle and hopefully shed some light on this perplexing duality.

Dogs are born, bred and raised by man. They come with sharp teeth, a vicious bark and an aggressive streak. But they are also fiercely loyal, lovable and playful. They are the only animal on the planet that come with such an interesting blend of opposites. It’s not surprising, since they were trained by man to exist in his own likeness.

But although men possess many of the qualities of our canine brethren, they do not in fact walk on four legs. We walk upright and prefer to keep it that way. Our upright nature puts us at the top of the food chain and makes us the king of the predators, because now our other limbs are free to perform other useful purposes, like itching ourselves, playing cards, gesticulating at the TV, and grabbing at our female counterparts. It’s amazing that we’re not actually extinct!

However, we have another side to us that somehow makes us palatable to the opposite gender. This is where our protective loyalty comes into play. Supporting our family and looking after our own is deeply embedded in our genes. That’s who we are from day one. A squirmy, purple looking, ball of fat—fierce and loyal; precisely like a cute puppy.

So how can all this goodness live next door to all this aggression?

It’s just as unclear to us. It comes from somewhere, but where, we have no idea. Some call it hormones, some call it the devil, some say it hangs just below our abdomen, but whatever it is or wherever it may reside, it seems to have a mind of it’s own.

Example: Things are going great with our girlfriend. She’s so cool, smart, pretty and easy to hang with. What could be better? One day we’re walking down the street, happy as a clam and then we see “That Girl!” Our bodies start buzzing, our minds go blank and all of a sudden something isn’t quite right. How is this possible? Nothing’s really changed AND everything has changed. Why is this other person so mesmerizing, so alluring, so dynamic? And why does her mere presence shake the very foundation of what we care about?

We’re confused about this too, so we talk about it amongst ourselves. Yes, you heard that right, WE TALK!! And we ask each other questions like these:

What does this mean? Does this happen to you? Do you like it? Don’t like it? What should I do about it? Should I do anything about it? Is it real? Is it fantasy? I just don’t get it!!!

We ask these questions because we care about the people we love and don’t want to mess things up. We also realize that it’s unlikely those physical reactions have anything to do with love. But it takes us time. THE GUYS at The Guy’s Perspective have each other to ponder these thoughts, but many guys don’t have anyone to talk to, or they don’t even realize that they should be discussing this with other guys, so they follow their “small brain” around and basically ruin everything they have.

But, let’s not jump off the deep end here. We can be trained. In fact, somewhere deep down we want to be trained, or rather TAMED. Why? Because it’s not always fun to feel pulled by this invisible force, and to have little things like other women, cause us to question ourselves and what we have. We constantly hope, we can get this power under control, so we can enjoy our lives with the people who are in them presently.

Here are some basic rules to understand:

1. When we say we love you, we do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to sleep with…….well……you get the idea.

2. Yes, we seek to conquer. But it’s not just about the conquest as many think. At some point we actually do want to keep the “prize.” Of course each guy is different in this respect.

3. We do talk, but we’re egocentric creatures. We think we’re the only ones who’ve ever felt a certain way, done a certain thing, or thought of a particular idea. etc. That’s why teenage boys tell their dads they don’t know “jack” about sex or love. Hmm….and the dads say, “I wonder how you got here, you little….(fill in).” Our point is we think we know more than we do.

4. We travel in packs, but we’d prefer to “hunt” alone. So the guy you see at the bar by himself is not necessarily a lonely loser. He could actually be smarter than the rest and realize there’s a lot less competition when there’s no competition.

5. We ARE able to commit. If your man says he needs more time it’s because he’s unsure of you. If might be best to just let him sniff around some more without you. You’ll be better off.

The last thing we have to say about all of this is:

Don’t give up on us, but at the same time, it’s unlikely we’ll ever change.

Now figure that out!!! And when you do, let us know. We would like to be enlightened.

THE GUYS

PS….we’re hungry. Can someone throw us a bone please! Join us on Twitter for more insights into the male mind. @TGPBuzz

Listen to our relationship advice blitz!

Dear Readers,

We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

Listen to our podcast, Episode #47 to hear our first ever “Ask the Guys Blitz!” We challenged ourselves to answer ten of your questions in twenty minutes. Listen to see if we met our goal.

Here are the questions we answered:

From Sarah: My younger man turned ugly

From Just so Confused: I need constant communication and he doesn’t

From Emilie: Will he come back?

From Laulena: Will we ever be more than friends?

From Paula: Will his career always be more important than me?

From John: My girlfriend said she needs space before getting back together

From Ruka: Does my older guy just want sex?

From Liz: He doesn’t want a long distance relationship; What now?

From Shamika: Lending my boyfriend money

From Sam: Should I move to be with him?

If you have a question of your own leave us a note. Or give us a call at: 347-855-GUYS. (4897)

What does he really want?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Dear Guys,

I dated a guy for a year and a half. We are both divorced with children from our previous marriages. We were both cheated on by our exes. We both put our children first and tried to see each other when we did not have our kids, although I sometimes did things with his kids while I was with him and he would do the same with my kids. That is the basic background. Now the specifics:

I met his ENTIRE family (parents, children, brothers and sister in laws, nieces and nephews) and his close friends. He also met my ENTIRE family and close friends. He was the first to refer to me as “his girlfriend”, as I did not want to be presumptive. I spent Thanksgiving with him and his kids at his parents’ house when we were 11 months into our relationship. It was his idea to buy gifts for each other’s children that same Christmas. He asked me to spend Christmas with his kids and his family, but was sad when I said that I couldn’t because I would be with my family, but he indicated that he understood. He gave me a Christmas card with an inscription that specifically said the dreaded 4-lettered word (yes, the nice one), and in that same card, indicated that he was glad that we had met, that he hoped that the following year would be as good for us as the past year had been for us. Indicating a future, right? (I need to mention that he signed it with just his name and NOT with Love, _____ )

A couple of weeks later, we went out to dinner with his brother and sister-in-law. We had a great night! When we were leaving, I stood outside of the restaurant with his sister-in-law talking and he just stood there, “beaming from ear to ear.” (Those are the words that she used when she and I talked the next day.) Finally, he reached for my hand, gave her a kiss good bye and we left. We had a glorious end of the night, if you know what I mean. That evening, I looked him in the eyes and said that I needed to tell him something, “I love you.” His response? “Uh, ummm. Oh.” He then pulled me real close and tight and we laid in silence for a while. I think at one point he fell asleep, or at least he pretended to do so. He then gave me a kiss and indicated that he had to change my light bulbs. (When we walked up the stairs earlier, before my “statement” he noticed that both hall lights were burned out). After he did that, he asked if I wanted him to take out the garbage. He did so and came back in. He then said, “Well, honey, I better be heading for home. I’ll call you later.” Prior to this, if he said he would call me later it would mean that he would call the next day. Well, as soon as he got home, he called me and said, “Just wanted to call to let you know I got home safe (a little small talk, blah, blah)… I had a wonderful evening and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Nothing more was said about “my statement.” He called the next day, like he said he would and like he did every night before this. Then he didn’t call for 2 days. Our conversation was the same and I did not bring up those words again. A week went by and there was no phone call about getting together for “our weekend” when I did not have my kids. I sent him an email message, indicating that something seemed to be different between us. (We also had a tendency to send each other email messages back and forth during the day, so this was not out of the ordinary). He emailed me back with, “We need to talk, but like you, I don’t want to discuss it in an email.”

When he called, he said that when I told him that I loved him, he started to really think about things. He felt that he was not ready for “that” kind of relationship at this time and that he needed to focus on his kids. (One of his kids would call a few times and say, “Dad, when are you coming home?” when he was at my place. And his other child had recently got into some trouble at school). He said that he still wanted to do things with me, but that we needed to slow things way down. I took it that he wanted a break. He said that at this time, we should just be friends. (At this time, it was a good month after I told him that I loved him). He indicated that he would not be calling me, as he did not want to be cruel and that he could not answer the question of whether or not we had a chance in the future to come back together, which was really confusing — was he stringing me along?

Fast forward to present. There was no contact for almost 2 years. (Albeit the information from one of our mutual friends that he would ask how I was doing). Then out of the blue, he sent me a request to be friends on Facebook. We’ve since traded kidding jabs back and forth, but nothing more than that. Everyone I know, including our mutual friend, thinks that he has something up his sleeve and that eventually something more will happen. I don’t want to get my hopes up that he wants to rekindle our relationship.

From a guy’s perspective, what was he thinking when we were in our relationship? (Some people think that he got scared to admit that he was in love too.) What was really going on when he initiated the breakup? What could he possibly be thinking now? Does he want to rekindle, want to know what I am up to? I’m so confused. I think that if he were to ask, I would probably be inclined the go out with him again, AFTER a much needed discussion. Also, if that were to happen, how would I bring THAT discussion up?

Signed,

Confused to NO end!

Kassie

Dear Kassie,

Thanks for your question.

We can absolutely see why you’re so confused. Talk about an about face.

This is a classic example of a guy loving the IDEA of love, and loving the idea of having a person in his life, but when it actually becomes a reality he jumps ship almost as fast as you can say the three dreaded words, “I love you.”

We don’t think he was being deceitful when he was pushing the relationship forward with holiday invites and love cards, but his past behavior should certainly make you pause long and hard before getting involved with him again. He got scared, plain and simple. The origin of his fear is another whole matter possibly above our pay grade. But it’s likely he started realizing that a serious commitment to you meant he couldn’t be there for his kids—the way he felt he needed to be there for them. And since he already got burned once, he probably realized he needed to be on his own in order to figure out what he truly wanted for this next chapter in his life. The final possibility could be that up until the moment you told him you loved him he was living in a relationship fantasy world. But when it became “real” he realized he wasn’t really in love with you.

Now that he’s contacted you again, you need to figure out which one of these possibilities you think it was. Because like we said before, you should think long and hard before you get involved with this guy again. Here are some reasons a guy might contact a woman after a long break. (Where he was the one who broke up with the woman.)

1. He’s horny.

2. He’s lonely and wants company. (He’s also horny)

3. He misses her. (Which is also colored by his loneliness, which of course is impacted by #1)

What we’re saying is, you won’t know what is motivating him to contact you until you’re well entrenched with him again. It could take 6 months to a year or so before “reality” sets in again. Up until then it could all be fantasy, sex, and fun for him. So once again it comes back to you. Do you want to take a chance again? Do you want to invest the time and emotional energy into a relationship that could end exactly the way it ended the first time around?

However, it is possible he is more settled in his life, and is now more ready to be involved with you. But please proceed with caution.

Hope this gives you a bit of perspective.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Kissing cousins: Should we date? And: What is he thinking?

Dear Readers,

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Dear Guys,

My distant cousin lives overseas. We got in touch through texting and gradually we started flirting heavily. We have a text-relationship. He called me twice too. I spent the holidays over in his country and we met up with our friends. The first day was still normal. But after the second day he became all cold. I asked him about it but all he said was he was bummed out that he had scratched his brand new BMW and he had not slept well—well he did meet me up with our friends for 2 days straight squeezing his other plans in.

Ever since then it has been a hot and cold thing. We met once after when he was in transit in my hometown with his friend. It seems that right after we met up he would be cold and so I would be too. But gradually we started flirting again, though never as heavy as the time before; and it’s him who always starts the flirting. Or like when I don’t text him or try to ignore him, he starts texting me everyday and is waiting for me to reply. We are both attached to other people as well and we both know each other’s “significant other” through FB, but we never talk about it.

I think both of us don’t expect the situation to be this way as we are related distantly. (We played together when we were younger.) But what does it mean on his part? What is he thinking? I too am unsure about what I am feeling but clearly this is bothering me enough for me to be asking about it. I find myself waiting for his texts and wondering or getting jealous if he’s out with his girl. And my heart skips a beat if I get his texts. HELP!!

Susan

Dear Susan,

Thanks for your question. We can see that this has thrown you for a loop. Sometimes our hearts have a mind of their own.

However, while dating or marrying your cousin is not against the law, it’s not typically a path most people feel comfortable heading down. We understand this guy is your distant cousin and probably shares little of your gene pool, but it’s still “taboo” enough where it seems like you’re both at least thinking and wondering if it’s something you should even pursue.

And maybe your relation to each other hasn’t stopped you from flirting, but it seems it’s enough of an issue that it might be affecting his behavior, and maybe even yours. (That and the fact that both of you are attached to other people currently, which may not be a bad thing in this particular situation.)

From what you describe we would typically say he’s not interested in being in a relationship with you, but in your case, since we have to factor in the “cousin” variable, it could just be a little too “out there” for him to handle. And instead of just saying that, he continues to give you mixed messages. We’re not sure if he’s ever going to feel completely comfortable with it, which could explain why he’s all flirty from a distance, but when you are actually in the same location he acts funny.

We’re not saying you shouldn’t pursue this, but the situation is ripe for this type of uncertainty and confusion.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Friends with Benefits: Why Me?

Dear Readers,

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion, Join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Dear Guys,

Okay, so I have this guy friend, and we’ve been friends for about 5 years now. Over the course of the 5 years I’ve always had a little crush on him. He’s always been flirty with me but I never thought anything of it because I was unsure if he was just a flirty guy, or if he liked me. I just assumed he was a flirty guy to spare my feelings.

Well, up until now we’ve never been single at the same time. He sent me a text the other day basically asking if I wanted to add sex into our friendship. While I am all for having “no strings attached sex” I am a little confused as to why he would ask ME for that. He knows other women, so why bother asking me? We have conflicting schedules with work so the likelihood of us really having sex often is slim.

Is this his way of trying to get closer to me? Thanks for the advice!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

Your friend asked you for sex because feels comfortable with you, and he knows you well enough to know it will be an easy arrangement with no drama. However, this does not mean we (THE GUYS) think this is a good idea. In fact the first thing that came to our minds when we read your question was: be careful and proceed with caution.

His proposal almost sounds like a business proposal to us; except that a physical relationship with someone, especially a long time friend, is ripe for disaster. And since it sounds like you have actual romantic feelings for him, this could get confusing pretty quickly. Let’s be clear Sarah: He isn’t trying to begin an actual relationship with you that might progress towards something serious; he’s asking you for sex. The two couldn’t be more different. Sure, this does mean he’s attracted to you—although guys will have sex when they can get sex— but it also says something else is missing for him, otherwise he might actually be asking you out on a date.

Only you will know if you feel comfortable and strong enough to go forward with this arrangement. It’s your decision obviously. But please think long and hard before you embark on a path that you’ll never be able to reverse.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Dear Readers,

THE GUYS

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Hi Guys,

I have been in a relationship for the past one year. Everything is going fine. His friends and my friends know about us. But he always introduces me as a friend in front of his colleagues or acquaintances. He never accepts my relationship requests on Facebook. He never takes me along with his friends, even if their wives or girlfriends are going. His friends don’t like me. I know that. He does take me out, but always only the two of us.

I feel as if I am not getting the acknowledgement in front of the world and that scares me. I know he loves me. He says he loves me and that’s enough for me. He doesn’t flirt with other girls.

What do I do? Am I overreacting?

Angel

Dear Angel,

Thanks for your question.

You say your situation is enough for you (the fact that he tells you he loves you), but obviously it must be bothering you, otherwise it’s unlikely you would have contacted us to ask our opinion. And honestly, we don’t think you’re overreacting. We see some serious red flags here.

We’ve said this before, and we’ll say it now: When a guy is totally in love with a woman, he wants to tell the world about this new person in his life. He’s not necessarily looking for approval from his loved ones (although that’s nice), but he’s more showing that he approves of you, enough to show you off, and tell the world he’s proud to have you as a partner. Your guy is not doing this and that is a concern for us. And for you.

It’s always nice when people get along great with their partner’s family and friends. When this happens it only further affirms the new connection. But that doesn’t mean approval from family and friends is a determining factor. A lot of people have great relationships with people that their families can’t stand. The problem with your situation is that your guy has let the opinions of his friends affect his behavior. This shows two things: He either is easily influenced, which we consider to be a character flaw in this situation, or he isn’t really in love with you the way you think he is.

The only way to resolve this situation is to start talking to him about how you feel. Pretending that everything is fine, when it isn’t, is not going to help strengthen your relationship. You need to have open lines of communication so you can both be honest with each other. Hopefully, he’ll understand where you’re coming from and try to change some of his behavior. If he doesn’t acknowledge your feelings, and tells you you’re overreacting, that should only strengthen your notion that something is indeed wrong.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Will he come back?

This post is sponsored by Playboy Magazine. Give the gift of Playboy for $1. He’ll appreciate it.

Dear Readers,

We’re doing our best to answer questions as quickly as possible. The best way to get your question answered quickly is to leave it as a comment on this post, or another relevant post, or donate to THE GUYS using our PayPal button on the right side of this page or any page on our site. Thanks to those of you who have donated. We do appreciate it.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Dear Guys,

I met a guy on New Year’s and we went out at the end of January. I was very hesitant to begin a relationship or even date since I knew there was a possibility that I would be moving at the end of summer (about 8 hrs away). I also had other personal issues that I was dealing with.

This guy was so amazing that I started dating him anyway, and within a matter of a few months I fell for him. This is the best guy I have ever met and the best relationship I have ever had. I am 28 and he is 30. He pursued me and was also the one to ask for the commitment. This was after we found out that I would be moving in June. We always said that long distance was manageable and that we don’t date just to date. This was something serious.

Well around the end of May—about a month before the big move—I became very emotional. I was sad to be leaving my friends and this amazing guy that I felt that I was in love with. I was leaving to further my career in residency (a two year commitment) and I even considered not going. However I felt that I had to leave to increase my job satisfaction which was at the time very low. But we said distance wouldn’t matter, as long as it was right. However I feel that my intense emotions of wanting out relationship to progress and survive the distance and my sadness in leaving may have begun to push him away.

Things were harder before the move and they continue to be now. I don’t know anyone in my new city and have relied on him for happiness. I haven’t been very happy but I’m slowly adjusting, which I think is normal after a big life change/move. I feel like my emotional stress caused further strain on our relationship. He knows full well I am ready to meet “the one” and so is he. Well this week he broke up with me. He says that he doesnt feel 100% committed to the relationship and that his emotions have hit a wall. However he says that there may be hope for the future after we have some time apart. And he says he is not saying that to “sugar coat” the break up and I believe that. There is seriously NOTHING wrong with our relationship. Only that he hasn’t fallen in love with me the way I have with him. The issue is that I still think it’s early (despite the way I’m feeling) and that love could still come in time. It’s only been 7 months. And he says he cares about me so much and wanted so badly for it to work. He says this arrest of his emotions has been growing over the last month. I have been away for two. I just think that he may feel this way because I have been so emotional. I feel that if I had played it cool, he wouldn’t feel this way. I have regrets.

So my question is, what is your take on this situation? Do you really think there is a chance for us? A chance for him to miss me during this non-communicative period of time? Should he know? Or are these the normal emotions that one goes through during this 6-7 month period that has been exacerbated through distance? I so hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder. We are each other’s best friend and I just really feel that love could grow. But then again, maybe I’m being a silly girl and need to accept that fact that if he was going to love me ever, he would not feel this emotional block now, regardless of the circumstances.

Bridget

Dear Bridget,

Thanks for your question.

First of all you should have no regrets. For what? For being honest with yourself and him? Why wouldn’t you feel sad for leaving? Sure, you might be embarking on a new and exciting chapter in your life, but that doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel mixed emotions about leaving behind some people whom you love. And if this is what drove him away from you, then the relationship didn’t have as much going for it as you perceived.

Having said that, we still think it’s possible for the two of you to reunite, but you shouldn’t ignore the fact that he doesn’t feel about you, the same way you feel about him. And for guys, probably more so than for women, this doesn’t typically change. We tend to “know” right away if the potential is there for a serious relationship. So if he was already feeling a bit unsure, your emotional outpourings just gave him an opening to end things. (But they didn’t CAUSE his change of heart regardless of what he might say.)

Sure, distance can make the heart grow fonder. We’re sure your guy is missing you. But keep in mind that distance also makes people forget. It’s likely your guy will start to remember all the qualities he loved about you and block out why he wasn’t sure in the first place. But that doesn’t mean he’s truly changed his mind about how he feels. The only way you’ll really know how he feels will be if the two of you live in the same city and really give it a go. (But didn’t you do that already?)

Our suggestion is for you to try to be open to new possibilities in your new city. Try to focus as much as possible on your career and all the new people you are meeting. (We know this will be difficult) Because all you can really do now is wait and see what happens. We wish you the best.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

He’s a musician: Is he worth the wait?

Dear Readers,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Hey Guys,

I need your advice. So four years ago I met a good friend of mine online. My friends were playing with my Myspace profile and they added his band. They convinced me to start talking to him; he lives in Montreal, Canada, and I live in Chicago.

To be honest I didn’t think that our friendship would last this long. And I always figured if we stopped talking to each other life would go on as if we never met. During those four years I’ve seen his fan base grow and his bandmates grow into these amazing musicians. They have toured in China, Japan, India, London, and France. And they were even featured in a Final Fantasy soundtrack. He’s amazing, kind, very talented, considerate; he’s all these good things. And we have a great friendship. So when he said we wouldn’t be able to talk as much because of his band I was okay with it. He seemed like he didn’t want to stop our communication, and he seemed sad. But I told him “Do what you gotta do and I’ll be here when you’re done.” A few months later I figured out I really liked him.

I went to go see his band play in the Canadian Music Week in Toronto on March of this year. Every chance he got to touch me he did. But here is the problem as much as I like him, but he is just so confusing. And to be honest it’s starting to piss me off. (From The Guys: We’re going to shorten this.) He gives me mixed signals. He tells me I’m the most amazing woman in the world and I should never change, but when he talks to other people it’s just business. Sometimes he can be the most romantic person in the world, but then will call me “Little Sister.”

The last time I told him I was dating someone he didn’t talk to me up until my birthday. I dropped my friend’s camera and said “Julian is going to kill me.” He looks the other way and his tone changes from a happy one to a sad one and he says, “Julian?” So I decided to write him a love letter to tell him I like him. I sent it but he’s never said anything about it. I sometimes think he likes me, but I don’t know. I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart says he’s the one, and that I should wait for him, have patience, but my head and friends tell me I’m stupid for having any hope of being with him. I’m starting to think the same thing.

What do you think? Is he worth the wait? Or should I move on…

Thanks for the help,

Rogue

Dear Rogue,

Thanks for your question. We understand your confusion. Of course we wish we had a little more information. One important piece of information you omitted was your age. (So we’re going to guess. We’ll assume you’re in your early 20s. Maybe he’s slightly older. Mid to late 20s?)

It seems like all our women friends have a story similar to yours, where they fell for some guy in a band, and thought he was “the one,” only to find out they were “one” of many. Of course having said that, we do know of one situation that did develop into an actual relationship. And we are happy to report that this couple actually got married. But typically these types of relationships don’t get beyond the flirting stage.

Keep in mind too that he’s made his band a priority. (We’re not saying he shouldn’t; we’re just stating the facts.) And part of being in a successful band is being free to say YES to any opportunity that arises. The other piece is to slowly expand your fan base at the grassroots level. You see where we’re going with this don’t you? Flirting with girls at every stop is one way of expanding the fan base. We’re not saying he’s not attracted to you, but we are saying that his primary focus is his band, and everything he’s doing, and thinking about is related to his band. And in some ways it has to be. But even having said all of that, if he was actually interested in you beyond flirting—unless you are not of age— he would already be pursuing you regardless of whether or not he was touring with his band. So since he’s not, there are only two reasons for this.

1. He wants to be free to “capitalize” on the band’s burgeoning popularity, and mix with the locals as he hops from city to sin city.

2. He’s not interested.

You can take your pick, but neither scenario is great. So sadly we’re voting with your friends on this one. (You should watch our video on this very topic: Listen to your friends)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Subscribe to our You Tube Page. More videos coming soon!

Military relationship: What do I do?

Dear Readers,

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Dear Guys,

So, I reconnected with a guy from high school. He is in the Marine Corps. He Facebooked me and we ended up talking ALL NIGHT on the phone; it was amazing. He said, “I really hope this doesn’t stop.” And he told me he really liked me. Today I noticed there was something wrong. He called me and he just said, “I REALLY DO LIKE YOU and would love to be in a relationship but I am really insecure about it all.” He has been burned a lot in the past and being in the military is hard. He overthinks things and thinks that the worst will happen with us. He sounded really sad and kept saying he really does like me but he’s scared and said he doesn’t want to try “us” because he feels like he needs to find middle ground within himself. I know he is way overthinking it and we really did have an awesome connection. I talked to him about it and he said I really have to think …I need to get off the phone.

I let him hang up; he sounded so sad. I really like this guy….what do I do??

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for writing to us.

Yes, this guy does seem confused and tormented, but possibly also practical. He knows how difficult it is to juggle his military service, and a committed relationship. Your recent connection reminded him of this fact.

It’s clear he likes you, and probably felt your connection was special, and now he’s afraid. This is ironic in some ways because here’s a guy who understands danger, and the fear associated with it. He’s probably learned throughout his military service how to deal with his fear and channel it to help him overcome whatever trials he’s faced with. But in the relationship department he seems inexperienced, or at least not clear on how to make them work.

So in this case the burden falls on you—if it’s what you really want of course— to help him see how different your connection is from his past relationships. It’s your job to hold his hand through the initial stages of your relationship, so he feels secure and confident and willing to move forward. This approach takes a strong and confident person, because in some ways you’re the one who’s taking all the risks.

Once the relationship gets to a solid place, it should begin to balance out. However, if the burden continues to fall on you as time goes on, you may need to rethink the relationship. You don’t want to commit to a relationship where you’re doing all the heavy lifting. At some point you’ll begin to feel resentful, and it only goes downhill from there.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And keep us updated.

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

Dear Readers,

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

If actions speak louder than words, what happened?

This guy’s actions are confusing

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Hello Guys

My boyfriend is Indian and I am a Chinese/Indian girl. We have been going out for 5 months. He does not hide our relationship from friends on Facebook, but he hides it from his family members. He told me his family members know about us, but his mother got mad at him for posting photos of the two of us just smiling together and having lunch together. Since his mum got mad at him, he’s hid his relationship status on Facebook so he won’t get into any more trouble.

What should I do? And what does this tell you?

Thank you!

Kindest regards,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question. But our question to you is: What does this tell YOU?

As we’ve said in previous posts, hiding a relationship is usually a big red flag. Read this previous post. In your case it sounds like your guy cares about you, but if he’s succumbing to pressure from his mom—enough to remove his relationship status from Facebook so he won’t upset his family—we don’t see this boding well for the future.

Typically guys with a little bit of a backbone stand up immediately to their parents and say, “This is the woman I love and the woman I plan on being with. So get over to it.” Your guy isn’t doing this. In fact he’s afraid of getting in trouble. We’re not sure what that’s all about? If he’s old enough to be in a serious and committed relationship he’s old enough to stand up for himself. Sure, we realize there are certain expectations for him to marry an Indian girl, probably of his parents’ choosing, but he still should be making his own decisions about his life. If he’s not going to do this then you need to ask yourself if you want to be with a guy whose parents are going to dictate what decisions he makes in his life.

We think you need to start assessing and asserting what you want, and what you need. It’s best to do it sooner rather than later. If the relationship continues, you don’t want to feel resentful down the road that you no longer have a “voice” in any decisions.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment, and keep us updated. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Why is he not asking me out?

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

If actions speak louder than words, what happened?

This guy’s actions are confusing

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Dear Guys,

I recently met a guy at work. He had transferred from our company’s UK office to my office in Sydney about 3 months ago. He showed an interest in me from the very beginning – in and out of the office. In the office, he would find excuses to talk to me even though we weren’t working in the same department. Outside the office—we went to the pub a few times with other colleagues— he simply couldn’t keep his hands off me; he would rub my knees and arms as we talked, not paying attention to anyone else there. Everyone in the office knew he liked me.

At first I wasn’t interested in him; I was actually interested in another guy in the office. (But very few people knew about it). The thought of flirting with him to get the other guy jealous did cross my mind but I didn’t think it would be fair to him so I kept that to a minimum. He never tried to “hide his feelings” for me. During a game of Beer-pong at work on a Friday evening, he had his hands on me the whole time and didn’t seem to care that everyone in the office saw that. He even put his hand on my butt at one time but I slapped it away.

Recently I find myself starting to like him. He’s a good-looking guy and definitely knows how to work his charms on women when he wants to. I’ve also been assigned to manage a few of the projects that he sold. He would “micro-manage” those projects with me just so that he could talk to me. When we’re talking business, there’s always quite a bit of flirting. But the thing is, he never asked me out. I even hinted to him that I wanted to see a show, creating a chance for him to ask me out but he didn’t.

Just over a week ago we were going to watch a game together with two of our colleagues who both backed out in the last minute, so it ended up being just the two of us. (There were two other people we were supposed to meet up with but he never called them.) After the game he kissed me. We then went to a pub where we talked and kissed again. He’s a good kisser and the kisses we shared were very passionate. He asked me what my dreams were and whether or not I wanted a family. Later that evening he walked me to the station where we kissed goodbye. I was quite surprised that he didn’t suggest coming home with me as I had suspected he was only after sex.

That was a week and half ago and he has not asked me out again since. (The truth is, he never did ask me out – the game date was an “accident.”) He still flirts with me at work and will come over to my desk any chance he gets to talk to me. When we are alone in the office kitchen, he will try and get physically very close to me that I have to back away because I don’t think it is appropriate.

So why is he not asking me out? I’m so frustrated and confused.

Thanks in advance!

Helen

Dear Helen,

Thanks for your question.

In some ways work is a great place to meet someone. It’s very different from a bar or a party where the “hope,” or at least the “thought,” that you might meet some great new person is always in the air. Work allows people to gradually get to know each other and really understand each other on many levels. So inevitably feelings develop between people. However, not everyone is comfortable pursuing those feelings and taking them to the next level.

However, this guy doesn’t seem to care about that. Sure he’s given you some mixed messages, but the majority of the time he’s got his hands all over you. In our minds this would connote a player. And that could be the reason he’s not asking you out. Because even though he didn’t ask to come up to your apartment the night the two of you “went out,” this doesn’t mean his goal is anything other than getting you in bed. Players who are really good don’t necessarily jump at the first opportunity. Instead they play it cool, even so far as to inquire about the future.

First of all tell this guy in no uncertain terms that he should not be touching you during work. It’s unprofessional and not cool. Then you need to have a chat with him and let him know you would be open to him asking you out. After that, play it cool and see what happens. Who knows, maybe he’s still not sure where you’re at since you weren’t interested in him right away. Maybe he feels you’re fickle, and that he’s really your second choice. This would explain a lot. If a guy feels like he’s more of an afterthought he might not be too excited to get into a serious relationship, but it certainly wouldn’t stop him from pursuing the same woman as a Booty Call. Remember, the male ego doesn’t often forget. And if his has been wounded it’s constantly reminding him of that fact.

Let us know which one he is: Wounded Warrior or Playa!

Good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Consider a donation to THE GUYS. Thanks!

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

__________________________

Hi Guys,

I live in Mexico, but I met a guy 4 years ago on a plane. He is from the USA. We started talking a lot from the beginning and I felt in love with him 2 years later. We see each other like 2 times per year and he told me that he is in love with me. Whenever he wants to see me he pays for my flight to his hometown, or sometimes he comes to Mexico. I saw him last weekend and I really want to have a relationship with him, so we talked about it. He told me that he won’t do long distance. He told me he is in love with me, and we talked about a future together, but still he doesn’t want to have a long distance relationship. So I’m wondering that maybe he doesn’t love me enough to make it work. Or is it very hard for you guys to have a long distance relationship?

I would love to know what you guys think about it.

Tita

Dear Tita,

Thanks for your question.

Long distance relationships are not easy, and they require even more work than a relationship where two people live near each other. So we don’t think it’s any harder for a guy to have a long distance relationship than a woman. But everyone is different and each relationship is unique. So let’s focus on your relationship specifically.

Other than seeing this man twice a year, how often do you talk or communicate? Is it on the phone, email, text? We ask, because something you said made us pause and wonder. You said, “Whenever he wants to see me he pays for me to come…” So does that mean he really only wants to see you twice a year? Or does this mean he doesn’t have the money to see you more? Because honestly, seeing someone twice a year without a lot of other communication on a daily or weekly basis is not much of a relationship. We’re not saying the feelings aren’t there, we’re saying that a committed relationship is a “day in and day out” sort of arrangement.

You seem like you’re in love with this man and ready to commit, but what about him? He says he’s in love with you, but then he says he doesn’t want to do a long distance relationship. So does he ever ask you to come live with him in America? Because to us that seems like an obvious step if the two of you are really in love. Having a long distance relationship should only be a temporary arrangement as you work towards being together in the same city. If you’re not talking about this yet, we think it’s time. And if he’s not going to bring it up, then you need to.

We also think you need to explore what’s really going on for him. What’s he doing while he’s not seeing you? Is he seeing another woman? Or is he sleeping with other women? What we can say about guys is: If they’re not willing to make a commitment, whether it’s a long distance relationship, or even a typical relationship, something else is going on. They either aren’t truly in love, or there’s another woman, or they want to keep their options open just in case.

We think the two of you need to start talking about all of these topics. It’s always better to know what’s really going on Tita, rather than be left wondering. And maybe once you start talking you’ll be able to sort it all out and move towards being together.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks.

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

He talks about having sex with my friends

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

If actions speak louder than words, what happened?

This guy’s actions are confusing

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Dear Guys,

I’m 26 and my boyfriend of three years is 23. He is a great guy and we get along great. We have a house together and a life. Everything between us is 50/50. I don’t really have a lot of time to hang out with friends and to be honest I have lost touch with most of my friends over the last few years. Mainly we hang out with his friends which I consider to be my friends as well.

Lately I have been having real issues with his mouth when he is drinking, and hanging out with his buddies. The guys are all between 21-27 years old. They all love to talk about boobs! It does not seem to matter to them that there are girls around, they just talk about how great boobs are and also talk about other girls too. I didn’t let it bother me too much because I know boys will be boys but it started to really get to me when he was drunk one night and started talking about having sex with one of my friends. (Of course he said with me there too.) He was listing my friends and telling me to ask them if they were interested. He said, “I could tell that she wanted me.” He was not kidding around either. He said to me, “What? Do you expect that I won’t ever have sex with anyone else?”

Anyway the next day I didn’t even bring it up because I was sure he would not even remember. To be honest this is a BIG reason I don’t bring my friends around. I’m afraid to give him ANY opportunity to screw around on me! I have a hard time trusting and so does he. The other night while we were drinking and talking we were trying to figure out who could go with us to Cedar Point next week. I asked my 25 year old cousin to go with us. (Female) She said that she would and when I told the guys including my boyfriend, he asked me how big her boobs were!! I was so upset. He says it like it’s no big deal. It makes me feel like crap, and he always asks why I never invite my friends over or anything? Yeah I wonder why?!?! If I did, he’d be thinking of sleeping with them.

How do I bring this up to him without making myself feel worse? He is so young at times that he is hard to talk to. I know most of it is drunk talk, but its sticks with me all the time, and not just when we have a few drinks. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m jealous, or just not trusting, or crazy, or overreacting! What do I do? I feel a rage coming on with this and I think one day I’m gonna snap when he is acting like this and make an ass of myself in front of people.

Brandy

Dear Brandy,

Thanks for writing to us. We’re glad you asked us this question. A lot of our readers will be interested in this topic; and it’s a question we don’t get often because it’s not easy to talk about.

Sure your boyfriend at 23 is young, but that’s no excuse for treating you with such disrespect. Sure he drinks, but that’s still no excuse for discussing his fantasy threesomes with you. In fact we can’t see any excuse for his behavior.

You’ve been worried that maybe you’re overreacting, 0r overly jealous, or maybe crazy. Here’s a good test. How would he feel if you were sizing up the guys in the room and discussing it with him? How would he like it if you said you didn’t plan on being faithful to him? We don’t think he’d be too thrilled, especially since you mention he has trust issues. So we can see why you’re not either.

So how do you solve this problem? Have you tried having a heart-to-heart with him, telling him how his words and actions make you feel? Have you talked to him about what you need out of the relationship? If you haven’t, you need to soon. It might help, or it might not, but you need to do this in private before you snap in public.

What’s painfully clear to us is: He doesn’t know how to be in a committed relationship. Because a person who is committed to another person doesn’t talk about being with other people. Please don’t make excuses for him, or you’re going to find yourself feeling more and more frustrated. And that frustration will soon swell to anger and resentment.

So why are you trying so hard to make it work with this guy? Maybe you love him, but what are you getting from him? You deserve to be with someone who is faithful, loving, and respectful. You should be able to trust the man you’re with. You shouldn’t settle for anything less. And we’re just not sure he’s ready to be in a relationship at this point in his life.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

If actions speak louder than words, what happened?

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Long distance relationship: Follow up question

This guy’s actions are confusing

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Dear Guys,

I’ve read the answer to the question “Break up confusion: Will he come back?” And in the part you said, “actions speak louder than words.” This is were my confusion begins.

I was with a guy almost 2 years. At the beginning we both agreed that we were going to give a chance to our friendship and start as a couple. We had a great relationship, many things in common. We had fun together; he introduced me to his family, and I did the same. We never had a fight and everything was great in bed.

In the 4th month, he told me something like this, “I’m afraid I’m not loving you as you deserve.” So I told him, “Well maybe I’m not the woman you want. I love you, but I don’t want you to be with me if you don’t want to.”

Then he told me, “I’m not saying I want to beak up, I’m just saying that I’m feeling this way and it’s something that’s happened to me in my past relationships.”

So we didn’t break up until 2 months ago when we were having a disagreement. He then told me that he never felt he was in love with me. Then I asked, “But, what do you mean by love, because your actions always showed me that you loved me.” Because he never did anything that made me doubt about his love for me. He was caring. He always called me; he introduced me as his girlfriend to everybody and he never forgot my birthday or our anniversary. He was supportive; he always answered my calls. So, if actions speak louder than words, what happened with us?

I feel he’s not coming back, because he hasn’t tried to contact me in these last 2 months. But the thing that hurts me more is that he always showed me that he loved me through his actions.

Majolie

Dear Majolie,

Thanks for your question. We understand your confusion.

It sounds like your relationship started out as just a friendship and then the two of you agreed to give a romantic relationship a try. Is that right?

If so, it’s possible he wanted to be in love with you because he cared about you a lot as a friend, but once the two of you took the relationship to the next level he realized he just didn’t love you that way. Didn’t he say as much to you four months into your relationship? In some ways he was confessing to you, and asking you to make the decision about the future of the relationship. At this point if you had broken up with him, that would have been that. But since you deflected it back to him, he wasn’t strong enough to do it. Maybe this is because of your previous friendship, or because he was too weak to do the difficult thing: Break up with you.

You might say, “Well what about the sex? It was good, and he seemed into it.”

And you would be right; but that still doesn’t mean he was in love with you. Guys can have sex even they don’t feel giddy and in love. This doesn’t mean he didn’t care about you. On the contrary he probably cared about you a lot and was trying desperately to feel that special feeling. Unfortunately it never happened.

We’re sorry this is a difficult time for you. And we can understand if you feel betrayed and lied to. We don’t think he meant to do that, but he should have been strong enough to break up with you when he knew it wasn’t right. But he’s not the only person that hates to inflict pain on the people they love.

So in our minds you whole confusion stems from the non-action at the four month period of your relationship.

We wish you the best. Take care of yourself.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Showing too much love to my younger sister

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Different cultures: More than friends, less than lovers

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Long distance relationship: Follow up question

This guy’s actions are confusing

Guys,

I dated this guy for about two years and it ended badly. We’ve always tried to rekindle the flame by hanging out or just simply messing around. One day recently, he came over before I left for a family vacation. We, ya know, messed around and made up for the two weeks of loving we’re going to miss out while I’m home. Turns out, he was lying in my bed, texting my sister and basically flirting with her. He said things such as, “You should come party with me sometime.” He sent her ; -) faces and saying things along the lines of, “If you weren’t Amie’s sister.” Not to mention, this is the SECOND time it has happened.

I cried and cried because here I am, trying to love this guy again and he flirts with my sister while she’s in the next room. Now he’s trying to get back with me. My sister is beyond furious because he did that to me.

What should I do?

Amie

Dear Amie,

Thanks for your question.

It’s pretty disrespectful of him to flirt with your sister, especially while in your bed. (That’s an understatement) We know you care for this guy but do you really think you can trust him? Hasn’t he done this twice now? How can you establish any type of committed relationship with a guy who behaves like this? And it’s not like he’s going to change. We don’t like to tell people what to do, but we think you’re headed down a very difficult road if you continue to hang out with this guy.

Also: Why does he have your sister’s phone number? She sounds innocent here, but you two need to have a conversation and form a united front.

Last thing: Trying to rekindle a relationship is fine, but doing it by “messing around” probably isn’t the best idea. Many guys would view that as a “Friends with Benefits” situation and not feel any other incentive for getting back into a relationship with you. In the future, it’s best to “take it slow” when trying to get back together with someone, or even when you meet a new person. It’s important to get to know the person beyond the bedroom.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Subscribe to our YouTube Channel

This guy’s actions are confusing

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Different cultures: More than friends, less than lovers

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Long distance relationship: Follow up question

Hi Guys,

I am a bit confused. I met this guy in October on a trip. He was part of a group I belong to that organizes different cultural events. We live in different cities so I used to see him once a month or 2 months depending on when I used to go to the city where he lives. But then I started seeing him almost every 2 weeks because I became more involved with the association and when I was there he would always try to converse with me and he would stare at me.

So anyway I was in a relationship at the time so I wouldn’t give him any attention. I avoided him until I was single. One day I decided to send him a message on Facebook. (We’re friends on FB.) He said that he was happy to hear from and he asked me to see him the next time I was there but before the meeting. So I said yes. And that was the first time we saw each other outside the association. We just walked around for an hour and conversed and then went to the meeting. I had asked him the next day to go to a park and get some fresh air and he said that he liked the idea. So we went for a walk for awhile and then we went about two weeks without hearing from each other. I didn’t write to him. I wanted him to write to me. I had to participate in another event so I saw him in about two weeks; and when he saw me at the association he was strange. He seemed surprised or shocked. I didn’t really understand his body language but he spoke to me like nothing had happened. He acted pretty normal. Since I stayed there for the weekend I asked him if he was free because I wanted to go somewhere for a drink or anything. And he said that I had done well by asking him but he was already busy and if I would have written to him earlier he might have gone. He asked me to see him the next day in the morning since I was leaving in the afternoon. So I texted him in the morning and he called me about a half hour later and told me that he doesn’t have his car to pick me up because he had stayed at his sister’s last night.

SO anyway we managed to meet about an hour later because he got a ride and we do what we usually do: Walk around and converse. He always pays for everything when we get something to eat. He’s a gentleman. So when I have to catch the train to get home we don’t kiss or anything, we just kinda hug and say a few things and that’s about it. He told me that we would hear each other out on FB even though he has my number. I don’t get it. And that’s the second time he said it. The first time was after our walk at the park, but he never wrote to me and I didn’t bother either.

So after this date (let’s call it a date.. I don’t really know what it was) when I got to my town I sent him a message the next day on FB saying something on a book we were discussing, and I also said something like he seemed a bit strange when I left, because he really was. His body language is confusing. And he doesn’t answer me on FB. And then I wrote him another message asking him if he was upset about what I had said. He answered me only about a week later saying that he was sorry but he had been very busy with work and he wasn’t upset. He said that he doesn’t remember being strange or worried like I had assumed. But he said that maybe I saw something he wasn’t aware of. Anyway he finished his message by asking me to write to him if I have any news.

I wrote to him another message..maybe I was pushy again because in the end I like the guy, but he didn’t answer me for about 3 to 4 days so I decided to cancel my account on Facebook and I have not heard from him since then. Not even a message or call. It’s been about three weeks now. I don’t get it. I mean he asks me to go out. There is a lot of attraction. It seemed like he was interested but now not even a message. Help! I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should text the guy. Also because I won’t see him for a long time now. I’m busy with work and maybe I will only see him next month. Maybe..

What should i do?

Jane

Dear Jane,

Thanks for writing to us. We’ll try and sort through all of your question/s. We’re going to give you some tough love, only because we think you’re missing a few important insights here. It all comes from a good place.

On the surface it might seem like this guy is giving you mixed signals. But once you delve down a bit we think you’ll see that his behavior has been reasonably consistent. A lot of how you’re feeling is stemming from some of your assumptions.

We think you’re reading too much into some of this guy’s behavior. You say he stared at you and was attracted to you, but how do you really know why he was staring? His subsequent actions undermine your theory of attraction. You also assumed he was cold to you by his reply via text. But how can you assign feelings to words on a screen? Yes, a lot of people do that, and that’s why conducting relationships via email, text, or Facebook can be very dangerous. Making assumptions about what’s going on in someone’s head when they just write something like “OK” is not a good idea. (That’s just an example) You also assume because he pays for you that you’re on a date. He may very well be a gentlemen, but that doesn’t mean he wants anything more than a friendship with you.

Let’s take a step back here. Your relationship with this guy started out as friends because you belong to the same association. He never actually made his intentions known to you. It was you that broke the ice on Facebook once your were single again. And so this makes us wonder if he was really interested. Yes, once you inquired he agreed to get together. And maybe he wasn’t sure how he felt and wanted to go out with you and see. But it seems pretty clear that he didn’t want to pursue a relationship, otherwise he would have. (You’ve made it clear you’re open to it.) In fact it seems you took the initiative pretty much every time you two interacted. Typically guys will pursue if they’re interested. So in the future, even if you’re very excited about a guy, you have to let him be the one to initiate.

The other thing we’ll suggest is: Try not to read into everything so much. Clearly you’re an intuitive person, who’s very in touch with her feelings and emotions. Not everyone will be as intuitive as you, and subsequently won’t think or behave the way you do. People are built differently, and this is not just a guy and girl thing. It’s a personality thing. (See Myers Briggs) Try and take a step back and not react so much. For example: Since he didn’t respond to you, you deleted your Facebook account. Some people are very inconsistent at communicating. This is more a a reflection of their own deficiencies.

We hope you’re still able to go to your association meetings even though things might be a little awkward with this guy. If you do, and you see him, just smile and be nice. No need to rehash anything or try and get some more info out of him. We don’t think he’s going to offer you anything more. Just be friendly and move on, and start thinking about getting yourself back out in the dating world.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Long distance relationship: Follow up question

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Different cultures: More than friends, less than lovers

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Hi Guys!

A few months ago I asked for advice on the following question: Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship

The advice you gave me helped me so much, and I am now a frequent visitor to your site! I have noticed that there are many questions on long-distance relationships like my original question. Since I asked my question, I have a follow up question to ask, and I really hope you will answer it, not only for me, but for so many other that are struggling with the same type of situation.

Since my last question, I have moved to my new city, started grad school, and even though I struggled tremendously for a couple months, I was starting to accept the fact that the relationship was done and he was no longer going to talk to me, or give me the apology I so desperately wanted. I “de-friended” him on Facebook only because his wall was plastered with pictures and posts of his new relationship, and this really really hurt me.

Fast-forward to 3 months after the break-up. After absolutely no contact for 3 months, and the de-friending, my ex texts me trying to have a casual conversation with me about my life now and what I’ve been up to. I know, I should not have responded, but I did. I answered his questions, and he told me that he was going to be moving to my city for a permanent job. He went on to say that he is so sorry for what he did, and how things ended with us. He said that he didn’t mean to find another girl, but it just happened. He then said, “to be honest, I don’t know how long the relationship is going to last once I move, because I’m not about to do the long distance thing.”

I responded by telling him how hurt I was, and that I felt very disrespected after the way things were handled during the break-up. I also told him that my feelings for him were always real, and that I truly cared for him, but in the end I felt like he didn’t feel the same way.

He responded with, “You have every right to be angry and upset with me, and I can understand if you hate me. I was too much of a coward to be a man and tell you that I didn’t want to do long distance because it’s so hard. I did care for you, and still do, and I really like you still.

I ended the conversation after this, and he said that he’s sorry again, and so happy that I don’t hate him and that he wants me to know that he still likes me. This was the last time we had contact. A month later I saw him at an event with his girlfriend, and he completely ignored me. A month after this, I saw him at a bar with his girlfriend, and he again, ignored me.

I’m really struggling here, and am starting to fall back into the hole I was finally moving on from. I’m so confused by this. I understand that he will be moving to my city soon, and I need advice as to what our conversation meant and why he ignored me, as well as advice on how I should handle this situation if future contact occurs when we are in the same city.

Thank you so much!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your great note and question.

This guy is keeping his options open. Now that he knows he’s moving to the same city as you, he’s hoping you might still be open to him again. And it seems you still are. Be careful. This doesn’t mean he’s all of a sudden getting serious about you, it just means he wants to know he’ll have someone to get together with when he moves.

Please think long and hard about this situation and this guy. Think about: How were you feeling after you broke up and moved on? (It sounds like better and better each day.) And how are you feeling now that you believe you might reconnect with this guy? (More confused and upset.) Sure, love and relationships are often trying emotionally, but they shouldn’t cause mostly grief without providing a lot of happiness too. In your case it’s just heartache and confusion when you deal with this guy.

We know it’s difficult to let go but we don’t think he’s any different now than he was when the two of you were dating. Sure it’s possible, but more likely, based on his actions, he hasn’t changed much. He sounds like a player to us.

Our advice: Focus on school, friends, and saying yes to social opportunities. Be open to new people—not just guys. Make new friends, and don’t have contact with this guy. You’re only going to prolong the hurt. It’s time to lean on your friends and family for support. Or talk to someone—possibly a professional— who can help you sort out what you’re feeling. Be strong and hang in there.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. Thanks!

Dating an older guy: What are we?

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Different cultures: More than friends, less than lovers

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Dear Guys,

I’m 26, and I’ve been seeing an older man (31) for the past 3 months. On our first date we had sex. (We went to dinner, had a great time, lots of conversation, watched a game, was not planning on going back to his place but it just happened). After that, we have been going out to dinners, having a great time, and still hooking up. (But no late night calls to come over like a booty call.) I know I am not a booty call; he treats me very respectfully and opens the car door for me every time, and pays for dinner even when I try to.

We talk at least once every day. I haven’t met any of his friends, but he does talk about them. Also he has a very busy schedule between work and sports, but he has invited me to come watch one of his games. I am starting to have strong feelings for him and I am not sure how to handle it.

Do I bring it up, or wait for him to say something? I don’t want him to feel like I am rushing him into a relationship and don’t want to scare him away. Help!

Lynne

Dear Lynne,

Thanks for your question. Your age difference of five years is not that great, so while he is an older guy, you’re both around the same age. (Some questions we get are from women dating guys who are 15-20 years older, which does add another layer to the question.)

We don’t want to sound like a broken record, but once you sleep with a guy, you’ve begun an intimate relationship with him, meaning you’re not overstepping your bounds by asking him to more clearly define your relationship. Of course this does not guarantee you’re going to hear the answer you’re hoping to hear, but it does mean it’s not too soon for you to inquire.

What do we think?

From what you describe it sounds like you’re in a bona fide relationship that has more going for it than just sex. We think you should talk to him. If you don’t want to scare him why don’t you ask him what he thinks of your relationship and maybe how he defines it, instead of telling him how you feel. Once you hear what he has to say, then you can decide how much you want to reveal to him.

But we’ll be honest with you Lynne. It’s our experience that if a guy gets “scared” it’s because he really wasn’t into the woman in the first place. Sure, you don’t want to go telling a guy you’ve just met that you’re in love with him, but in your case, three months is a good amount of time to truly develop strong feelings for someone. Eventually you’ll have to come clean anyway. And why not? He should know how you feel at some point soon. If he says he’s too busy, or not interested in a serious commitment, you should move on. Waiting for someone unwilling to make a commitment is like waiting for winter to end at the North Pole.

However, we’re hoping it’s going to all work out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. Click the PayPal button on the right side of this page. Thanks!

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Different cultures: More than friends, less than lovers

Hi Guys,

I hope things are well with you.

After almost 3 years I saw my ex husband again and it feels like the first day I met him. Luckily he feels the same way. However, he is in a new relationship and asked the lady to leave but she told him to tell me if we want her to leave I must throw out her stuff. I can’t do that.

We have a little boy together that visits his dad quite often. It breaks my heart to see my boy with this lady. And this woman doesn’t want my ex to go to places without her so he and I can’t have a proper talk.

We’ve both wondered if we could maybe cancel the divorce. What would be the steps be to cancel it? We really think that things can work out for us, but like I said the lady is the problem. She doesn’t want to leave unless we can cancel the divorce. Then she says she will leave.

I hope to hear from soon.

Thanks,

Lizette

Dear Lizette,

Thanks for your question.

We’re not quite sure what you mean by canceling the divorce, especially three years later. Do you mean an annulment? We think it’s probably a bit late for that. Read about it here: Annulment.

But what puzzles us is: Why are you both letting this other woman dictate the course of your lives? Unless the situation is much more complicated than it seems, she shouldn’t be prohibiting the two of you from being together. It sounds like you both feel sorry for her, which means you both have good hearts, but even still, that shouldn’t stop you from being together. We’re sure there’s a way to help her land on her feet and also reunite with your ex. You’ll have to figure that one out though.

You are not the first couple to consider trying again after getting divorced. Sometimes people aren’t ready to be in a committed relationship the first time around. But by the time they meet up again, they’ve both gained insight into relationships, gathered more life experience, and now know what they really want. Hopefully the two of you are at this place.

We do think you should proceed slowly with all of this. First your ex needs to figure out what he’s doing with his current relationship. But even if he extracts himself, the two of you should move slowly, almost as if you’re dating for the first time. It would be easy to jump into things since you already have been intimate in many ways, however it’s important for you to talk about your relationship and ask some important questions.

1. Why did we break up in the first place?

2. What’s changed since then?

3. How are we going to deal with these problems if they occur again?

4. How are we going to solve problems when they arise in general?

5. What do we want out of a relationship?

6. Do either of you want more kids?

(This list could go on for a while.)

We’d even go so far as to suggest seeking out a professional to help you work through these questions before you jump right back into things. The last thing you want is for the two of you to get back together only to realize a year down the road that nothing has changed. Not only would that be difficult for both of you, but your son would get dragged through the mud as well.

Good luck. We hope it all works out for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully. Thanks! (See the Paypal button on the right side of this page.)

Booty Call or Long Haul?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Different cultures: More than friends, less than lovers

Dear Guys,

I am divorced and was introduced to a gentlemen through a mutual friend. He asked me out to dinner; we went and had a great time and have been dating for the last 3 months. Sex recently happened a month ago; I didn’t rush into it. But he only sees me when he doesn’t have his son which I respect. He has met my adult children and some of my friends and family but he has yet to introduce me to his son and family or friends. I am being patient, and figure he will introduce me to his family when he feels it is the right time. But how much time is too long? Am I just a booty call and being naive? He has been divorced for 9 yrs now and his son is 17, so is his son an excuse to keep things at bay?

Diane

Dear Diane,

Thanks for your question.

You are not necessarily just a booty call, but obviously he doesn’t consider your relationship serious—yet—or he would be introducing you to his inner circle. So how long should you wait?

Too long is defined by you more than him. How long will you feel okay about dating a guy who keeps you at arm’s length from his family and friends? If it’s working for you, then it could go on interminably. If you are starting to feel uneasy about it—which we assume you are, since you wrote to us—it already might be too long.

We don’t get the sense he’s being covert in any way, he just doesn’t see the relationship as too serious at this juncture. But that doesn’t mean he might change his mind after you’ve been together for a bit longer. In general it’s hard to know how people will feel about being in a relationship after they get divorced. Some people jump right back in to the fold, other people remain gun shy for the rest of their lives, and others fall somewhere in between. So our first piece of advice is to find our where he stands in this continuum. (Talk to him about how he feels about relationships in general.) This will help you better gauge whether or not the relationship has any chance of moving to the next level in the future.

If that conversation doesn’t satisfy you, you might need to step it up a notch and talk to him specifically about your relationship. We can see how he might want to move slowly at first, but we don’t see why he won’t introduce you to his son. It’s not like he needs to protect his son’s fragile emotions, since it has been 9 years since he broke up with his ex. We would think by now his son understands that your guy is not getting back together with his ex-wife. We don’t like to put a time table on relationships because every situation is different, but you can speed the process up by talking to him about how you’re feeling. It’s not too soon. A good rule to follow: If it’s not too soon to have sex it’s not to soon to talk.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment. And let your friends know about us. Also, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take a considerable amount of time for us to answer each question. Thanks!

Different Cultures: More than a friend; less than a lover

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Dear Guys,

I am from Asian descent and my guy is from a Middle Eastern background. He is more than a friend, but less than a lover. How? We love and care for each other but we can’t claim that we are lovers. We started as friends, but then later I started falling in love with him because he treats me so nicely. I thought he felt the same way but when I told him about my feelings he said he loves me but not as a girlfriend. I tried to understand him but I didn’t. We fight like a couple. We kiss and hug. He stays with me if he is free. We call each other more than 10 times a day, as if we’re together the whole day. We worked at the same company. I am happy with this arrangement, but the problem is he hides me from his friends and family. Well, he doesn’t totally hide me but he can’t say anything about what relationship we have. He also can’t even answer my call if his family and friends are around.

When we have serious talks I am not included in his plans for the future. He said he will invite me to his wedding and I say the same thing. When we first talked I knew we were just friends, but the relationship has gotten deeper so now it’s hard for me to get out. I’m happy with him and he respects and treats me nicely. But sometimes I think about getting out.

Please advise.

Hanna

Dear Hanna,

Thanks for your question.

If you’re sticking around hoping he will change his mind about your relationship, you’re going to be frustrated, disappointed, and ultimately unhappy. He sees you as a good friend, maybe even someone to be a little bit intimate with, but he’s made it pretty clear that you aren’t the person he wants to be with long-term.

Your different cultural backgrounds could be impacting his decision. It’s likely he hides you from his friends and family because he knows they won’t likely approve of his choice. Or even worse, they will make it very difficult for him to be in a relationship with you. (Some parents threaten to disown their children if they date outside their culture or religion.) Either way he should not be hiding you from his friends and family.

We know you care for this man deeply, but unrequited love gets old after a while. If he doesn’t change his tune soon, you’re going to start feeling resentful and angry towards him. We think you need to think long and hard about what’s best for your emotional well-being. Are you going to be able to support him as he starts dating other women? Are you going to be happy to attend his wedding when you’re not the bride?

You deserve to be with someone who reciprocates your feelings. All signs say that this guy is not going to be able to do that. Or he’s not going to want to do that.

Best of luck. And keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (See PayPal button on any page of our site.)

Why is he secretive?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Dear Guys,

I am a 23 year old woman and my boyfriend is 25. We have been together for two years, and since I am currently a hard-up student nurse, we each live separately with our parents. For the most part we have a good and happy relationship.

However, my boyfriend has a general pattern of secretive behavior. I’m not entirely sure whether this is peculiar to him or our relationship.

Recently I attended a work funtion with him at the races. Some of his friends from work were also there with their girlfriends. I was chatting with these women when my boyfriend approached, and one of the girls latched on to him immediately. She said to him, “We had a great time when we went out clubbing before didn’t we? We should definitely do it again!” Since he’d never mentioned this girl and I didn’t know they had a prior association, I looked at him puzzled. I ignored it and continued to socialize with the group. Clearly, my boyfriend realized I had noticed this and kept bugging me and saying, “What’s wrong?! Talk to me?!” Even though I showed no signs of being upset and had no intention of discussing anything until there was an appropriate moment. Eventually I said “Look, it just bothered me a bit that you’d never mentioned socializing with those other girls or going out on those nights at all.”

Quite inapropriately defensive and accusatory at this point, he told me that he had covered it up because he thought I might be upset. I’ll make it clear at this point that I have never had any problems with him having nights out with the guys or whoever – it had just never been an issue for me. At points I have even encouraged him to get out and do it since I’d noticed he hadn’t for a while! Yet he’d anticipated it might upset me and went quite out of his way to hide it from me.

He also said that he often lied to me about how much he had to drink on nights out. For a long time he’s been telling me that he seems to have a bad reaction to alcohol after just a few pints at the most. I’ve nursed him through many a horrible hangover. I’ve never had a problem with his drinking either, and I drink plenty myself, especially on a night out.

I felt wounded and humiliated and accused. Wounded to have been lied to and not trusted to be understanding or accommodating of his social needs. Humiliated to be finding out from other people. Accused of holding him to standards I’ve never held or expressed – of unreasonable reactions I’ve never had.

I am at a loss. I am now questioning the motivation for his (what seem to me, pointless) cover-ups and lies. I would be very interested to have some male insight into this! Is it reasonable to expect that a man might be secretive about such things for other reasons, or is it possible he’s hiding it because he’s up to no good? Is he hiding the extent of his drinking because he fears my thinking him irresponsible, or because he in fact is irresponsible?

Please help!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly your boyfriend feels the need to hide things from you, and this says more about him than it does about your relationship, since you say you’ve been pretty supportive about him going out with his friends. So the question is: Why does he feel the need to be secretive? We see two possible reasons.

First Possible Reason:

Some guys have this idea that women in general can’t handle the truth. They have this antiquated notion that women are clingy, jealous creatures, best kept in the dark when it comes to “Boys night out.” This type of guy can be found at the local pub, downing pints, and laughing and complaining with his buds about his girl, all the while conspiring to come up with a good story to tell her when he gets home.

Second Possible Reason:

He’s doing things he shouldn’t be doing. We’re not saying he’s actually cheating on you, but he could be doing things he knows he shouldn’t be doing. And of course everyone’s definition of cheating is different. Some people consider flirting cheating, while for some it takes actual intercourse to breach the contract of a relationship.

But what bothers us the most is the way he reacted to you after you told him how you felt about being kept in the dark. He was clearly busted, and so instead of admitting it, and asking for forgiveness, or at least for a chance to explain it to you, he tried to deflect and put it all on you. This is not the greatest example of solid communication, and it’s not the type of behavior that’s going to help you solve other problems in the future.

Relationships are built on trust. And trust is exactly what’s missing from your relationship. If you want this relationship to move forward, the two of you need to start having some serious discussions about how you deal with problems, and the best way to communicate with each other.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Consider a donation to THE GUYS. It takes considerable time to answer questions thoughtfully.

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Hi There Guys,

I need some dating advice. It appears I’m quite domineering when I date men; I seem to be quick to tell a guy when he’s not doing things the right way. Or if he isn’t courting me at all, I tend to give them a mouthful. For example: I went on a date with a guy a week ago, he asked me out; when the bill arrived he refused to pay for it. I excused myself and went to the bathroom, and upon returning the bill was still sitting there. He then went to the bathroom, came back, and by that time I had asked the waitress to split the bill, so I could pay for myself. This guy says, “So you’re not paying for me?” To which I replied, “Hell no, pay for yourself!”

He made a few other jokes indicating that he was low status. He jokingly stated that he took the bus. The next day he texts me telling me he’s into and would like to see me again. I bluntly gave him dating advice. Some of which would easily blow a man’s ego to shreds. So my question is: How to I keep patient with men who are just so stupid? I feel like stupid men are everywhere? Or perhaps I’m just too domineering. Sometimes I feel like I’m actually doing a guy disservice by not saying anything. A clueless guy should know when he’s being clueless, so that he can apply new knowledge with future women. Perhaps other women can enjoy the fruits of my labor?

Any advice would help.

I’m actually a nice woman, so please be gentle with me.

Sandy

ps. My other question has to do with how some guys act interested but then don’t organize the date, and put it on me to organize it, when they should be the ones doing it if they’re courting me?

Dear Sandy,

We don’t doubt you’re a very nice woman. Sure you may be a little domineering, but we think the real problem lies with the individual guys you’re dealing with. So our answer is more directed at the men out there, rather than you, or other women reading this.

First of all guys: If you ask a women out to dinner, expect to pay. In fact, you should insist on paying, unless for some reason you and your prospective date have had a conversation before you actually go out. And it’s our experience that if a woman insists on going “dutch” on a first date, she’s likely not interested in anything more than being friends. And guys, if you’re feeling broke, then don’t ask a woman to dinner. Take her out for lunch, or even coffee. If she likes you, she’ll be happy to spend time with you in any capacity.

Second of all guys: All the planning for your date falls on your shoulders. Women like to be surprised. (If it’s a good surprise of course.) But you get big points for being creative, or at least trying. If it doesn’t work out, then try laughing at yourself, which will be disarming, and come across as somewhat charming. (If you want to ask your prospective date for any particular type of food she doesn’t like that’s fine, but never put the burden of figuring out the evening on her. )

Sandy, we can see why acted the way you did, although most women probably would have grudgingly paid the bill and then vowed never to speak to the guy again. Sure you might be a bit more assertive than some, but we’d be just as annoyed by both of the scenarios you’ve painted for us.

Our advice is to keep being how you are. Maybe you’re helping these guys by speaking up about their behavior, but most likely they’re the kind of people that will deflect your barbs and assume it’s your problem. We suggest screening your potential dating candidates a little more closely before you agree to go out with them. Or maybe try meeting guys a bit more organically: Take a class, join a book group, go on a chartered travel vacation, or help out with some charity. There are a lot of different ways of meeting people, and doing something you care about will ensure that you’re meeting people with similar values.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. And leave us a follow up comment.

This guy at work: What is he thinking? Does he still like me?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Guys,

I was seeing this guy I work with for a year and a half. We were just talking, but nothing serious. At the time, he was going through a divorce, and he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He wrote me everyday and was so nice to me. He told me from the begining that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but we still talked. No sex, just kissing. He told me that he wished he would have met me at another time in his life, because he could totally see himself with someone like me. He also said that he liked me a lot, but he just wasn’t ready to give me a relationship like I wanted.

Then he broke off all communication with me because I got mad at him for talking—albeit friendly—to my friend at a bar, and totally ignoring me. He and I didn’t talk at all and he even told me to erase his number from my phone. I was completely hurt, as I went from talking to him everyday, to nothing at all.There was so much tension and hate whenever we saw each other. He now has a girlfriend and I must say that I still like him a lot. I still get butterflies when I see him at work. Recently he has been very nice to me, and has even started conversations with me. I catch him staring at me a lot, and has even asked to help me with some boxes I was carrying in. He has also waited for me and holds the door for me. When it was his birthday, I wished him happy bday, and he responded very well. Jokingly he said that he was trailing closely behind me in age. He’s also been very attentive as to when I get to work and asks me about my schedule. He jokingly tells me I’m late when I do get to work a bit late. He sometimes distances himself from me, but sometimes is very friendly. Other things that he has said before we stopped talking: “I want to give you my full attention, but right now that won’t happen.” or “Trust me, I do like you a lot, I’m just not ready for a relationship now.” I wan’t to know if it’s possible that he would come back to me when he is “ready.” He knows I want something serious. And if he didn’t want a relationship, why is he with this girl?

Why is he being so nice and friendly like when I first met him? Why does he stare at me with longing eyes? Please help! I really like him

Brenda

Dear Brenda,

Thanks for your question.

This guy seems pretty honest and in touch with himself. He just got divorced, and is probably still reeling from the uncoupling. Getting into a serious relationship is probably the last thing on his mind. And it’s likely this isn’t going to change for some time. So you’re going to have to be very patient with him, with no guarantee that it will ever work out the way you’d like.

So what about this other girl you ask? We don’t think he’s serious about her. She is someone for him to hang out with and have sex. Remember, if he was faithful to his wife—which we hope he was—he hasn’t had sex with another woman for a long time. So we can tell you that having sex again is foremost on his mind, and with as many women as he can get into bed.

The good news is he respects you enough, and likes you enough, not to drag you into the fray. The bad news is, he is likely going to enjoy “the fray” for a long time.

So yes, we do think he likes you, but as soon as you start pressuring him to be serious, or start getting clingy or jealous like you did in the bar, he’s going to push you away.

Our advice: Enjoy his company as a friend, but put yourself back out on the market, and try to be open to other guys. If at some point down the road he seems more open to a serious relationship, believe us, you will be the first one he contacts. Guys don’t keep a little black book—well some do— but most keep a mental list of all the women they would pursue if they ever were to be single again.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Also leave us a follow up comment. And consider a donation to THE GUYS.

What’s the deal with this guy?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Guys,

This guy and I have been “dating”/talking for awhile now. When we originally started talking/hanging out he was single. Then he had a VERY short relationship. (3 weeks). He broke up with her because things just didn’t work out. But he also said he was interested in me as well at the time. So now we have been “seeing” each other ever since. We have been hanging out several times a week now. We kiss, hold hands, cuddle, etc. But nothing more than PG-13. It has been several weeks and I don’t know if I am just being impatient or if he just is dragging his feet.

We both watch the same shows and when I get to certain episodes he says, “You are not allowed to watch that without me.” I get messages like that from him all the time. But then sometimes I get mixed signals like tonight when he called me kiddo, I said “wow if that wasn’t sexy I don’t know what is.” He gave me a “Really?” I told him of course not and he just told me “Okay, nighty night”.

There was another instance when we were supposed to hang out. He ended up going out with his family—they are very close—and canceled on me. He ended up kinda buzzed, but called to apologize for blowing me off. He admitted that he liked me and he didn’t want me to be angry with him, or worry about him hanging out with others. He also threw in a line about “if and when—heavy emphasis on the when—you meet my family.” But the next time we hung out he barely touched me, and he held my hand very little. He had asked if I was okay for some strange reason but that was about it. I got a goodbye kiss but that was it.

He is confusing the heck out of me and I don’t know if I should just ask where we are or just let things progress more since it has only been a couple of weeks. I want to know if there is something real there, or if he is just dragging me along until he finds something better. HELP ME!!!!

Leanne

Dear Leanne,

Thanks for writing to us.

We can’t know exactly what’s in this guy’s heart, but he’s giving you many signs that he likes you, especially if he wants you to meet his family. Is it possible he’s shy? Or maybe inexperienced? Or maybe he just doesn’t know how you feel about him yet?

We’d say give it a few more weeks. See how things progress. Maybe take some initiative and invite him over for dinner or something like that. It sounds like he needs a little prompting, or possibly some reassurance from you that you’re interested. Hasn’t he already said that he’s into you?

If he’s feeling insecure or unsure, he’s going to give you mixed signals. He doesn’t want to show his hand completely for fear of being rejected. The male ego will do almost anything to avoid looking the fool. His ego sounds completely intact and possibly working overdrive.

If after a few more weeks you still don’t have your answers, we think you should lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. This doesn’t mean it will work out the way you’d like. It might; it might not. But this way you’ll at least know where you stand, and whether or not the relationship has a chance to progress to the next level.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks for your donation.

Long distance: Should I pursue?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

I’d like to understand what happened?

Dear Guys,

About three months ago I started seeing a guy even though we both knew I was moving to England for work at some point. (It wasn’t clear when I’d be leaving. We’re from Canada) I was okay with just a fling because I told myself I would not get attached. He always instigated texting and calling me the entire time. Sometimes it would take him a couple of days to contact me but I would then take the same amount of time to return his text or call, so I know we were both playing it cool, even though we’d still always get together. He would also often invite me out to hang with his friends.

Before I left for England (2 months into our “relationship” – I don’t know what to call it) he would send me funny Youtube links about not going to London, with a little ‘lol’ next to the link. And when I was at the airport ready to go he texted me to say he’d miss spending time with me.

Once I was in England he decided to go to Rome for a vacation by himself. (He arranged this long before we started seeing each other.) He offered to buy me a ticket to visit him for a few days while he was there. Obviously I agreed but because the ticket was more than what we expected I split the cost with him, which was totally fine by me. We had a great time; he always made an effort to hold my hand while we were walking, reach out for my hand at dinner. He was always sweet and respectful. On our last night he really opened up to me about a lot of painful events that happened when he was growing up, much of which I think very few of his friends are aware of and I’m not sure if now he feels he needs to put his defenses up all over again. We both left Rome just over a week ago and since then he hasn’t been initiating contact with me as much as he used to, such as email or instant messaging. He always responds to me if I message him and he’s happy to hear from me, but it bothers me that I’m the one who seems to be doing most of the instigating now. I can’t tell if I should continue to be interested in him. My move isn’t supposed to be permanent though I don’t know how long it will be for, so I don’t want to let go of the relationship potential. But I’m also wondering if he is just not interested anymore…

Thanks!

Sadie

Dear Sadie,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’d be very surprised if he was no longer interested in you. In fact, to us it sounds quite the contrary. Since he opened up to you during your time in Rome together, he may be feeling vulnerable. He probably feels like he’s revealed his true feelings, but he’s not sure where you stand with the relationship. If he’s feeling insecure, this could be the reason he’s pulled away.

We realize your situation is complicated. Adding a long distance component to any relationship only further complicates matters. But both of you have made things even more confusing and complicated by continuing to “play it cool.” Of course we understand why you began the relationship that way. However, the time for playing it cool has long been over. We wish you had discussed your relationship before you left for England, but it’s not too late to begin this discussion now.

So our answer is: Yes, you should pursue the relationship, but only if you really care for this guy. We can’t guarantee that he’ll reciprocate, but based on his actions, he certainly seems very interested. Examples: Haven’t you met his friends? Didn’t he invite you to Rome? And wasn’t he sweet the whole time? And didn’t he confide in you some very personal experiences? And hasn’t he been consistently interested for the last few months? All of these examples say one thing: He’s interested. Unless of course something happened in Rome that you haven’t mentioned. (Something like: Awkward sex? or something in that family.)

So it’s time to let your defenses down and talk to him about how you feel, and what you’re thinking. If he reciprocates you’ll both work together to figure out how to make it work. If he doesn’t, then you no longer need to waste your time worrying whether he really likes you or not. In our eyes, it’s a win-win move, even though we understand it’s never easy to let your guard down.

Last thing: We realize you are in England and he’s in Canada, but even that distance is not impossible to cope with. People have dealt with far worse. And maybe once you square things away, both of you will see this relationship in a different light, and you’ll reevaluate your priorities. (Sometimes people get so stuck in their ways they don’t realize they can do whatever they want with their life, even if it requires swimming against the current.) Love is not something to take for granted. It certainly doesn’t happen every day. So we think you should make it a priority. It’s at least worth exploring.

We wish you the best. Please keep us posted on your situation.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And thanks for the donation.

I’d like to understand what happened??

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Guys,

I do not really see any mistake whatsoever. At least nothing serious. Just one morning I woke up in his bed and he was watching me from afar. Then he basically told me to pack up my things and leave. I was more surprised than sad, and tried to figure out what was going on. He walked me out with those heavy bags and told me that I am just not good enough, intelligent enough, charismatic enough, and there is no reason for him to be losing his time with me. I was only listening and it seemed a bit funny to me, because I do not really think I am dim or unable to express myself. He was being overly dramatic and I could see that he was trying hard to hurt me. I’ve always known he is a bit unstable, and that he is interested in different things but it was never a problem. We fought occasionally but I do not recall anything too serious. This breakup was also really out of the blue; I think it was a rather impulsive decision. Also this is not the first time; he has broken up and come back a few times already. I had no problem with that. And this breakup doesn’t even especially hurt.

But I’d like to ask: Why is that? Can you see some pattern in this rather pathetic behavior? Is there a problem with me, or does this guy need to sort himself out? He deleted me from his accounts and I was not desperate to call him/message him. I am not really sure but I have a feeling he will try to crawl back again. Maybe. Would you be so kind and play his part so I can at least understand what went wrong, and if I’m the one to blame, and will he come back? Because right now, I’m really confused. We’ve been together for two and half months, and a year before that we went out for one year and half.

Hue

Dear Hue,

Thanks for your question.

You don’t seem too broken up over your split? And if that’s true, maybe both of you are actually on the same page here. Maybe both of you realize the relationship isn’t right, and he finally decided to take action.

But let’s backtrack for a second. Breakups are often a surprise to the person getting broken up with; but the person who does the breaking up has more than likely been thinking about it for a long time. So even though you felt like your guy was being impulsive, probably he was rehearsing how it was going to go down for months.

We don’t condone the way he broke up with you. Parting barbs are never productive, and often reflect a lack of maturity. And since the two of you have a history of getting back together, we would think he’d be more careful about what he says to you. (It’s hard to take back mean words.) But why is he saying such mean things to you? It seems like there’s a lot of information or back history we’re not aware of.

We can’t say whether or not he’s unstable, but from our point of view, something seems missing from your relationship, almost as if both of your expectations are low. Why is that? We think that question is worth exploring. And related to that: You also seem very guarded. Is there a reason for that? Do you have an issue trusting him, or do you have a hard time trusting people in general?

He might come crawling back” as you say. But do you really want him back even if he does ask for forgiveness? Right now he’s out exploring the field, or dating someone else. He’s looking for someone who isn’t you. So maybe that’s what you should be doing as well. Why not put yourself back out there and try to find someone you can trust and open up to? Why not try to find someone who genuinely cares for you and who does think you’re intelligent, funny, and beautiful.

There is someone out there who will rock your world, but you have to allow them to. Being vulnerable is always a bit unnerving, but the reward can be amazing. Don’t settle for anything less.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

My best friend: What does he want?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Dear Guys,

I’m writing to you because I don’t even know what to make of the relationship I have with my best friend. We have known each other for a while now and ever since we met everything clicked. He calls/text everyday; we spend a lot of time together whether it’s at his place, with his family, his friends, you name it. So it’s no surprise that I ended up falling for him.

The chicks he is with now are pretty much fuck buddies. Nothing serious but it stills bother me. I confronted him about this and told him how I felt. I even tried to stay away from him. He said he didn’t want to lose me and got mad when I told him I wanted time away. Since then, instead of pulling away like you would expect from other guys, he did the opposite. He just acted like the conversation never happened and still called and asked to hang out.

Lately, he has even told me we should get a place together. He asks about the guys I’m with and we talk about the future and what we want. What drove me over the edge though was a party we went to not too long ago. We always flirt. But this time more than usual. We were buzzed and dancing all over. I got so into it that I almost kissed him. He noticed and told me I deserved something better than him. Now, I have always believed if a guy likes a girl he will make it happen. But, with him I don’t know what to think. If he doesn’t like me why would he want to spend so much time with me, tell me everything, flirt, or even picture me in his future like that if he didn’t like me. But if does he like me what is he waiting for? None of my friends understand him.

I really hope you will be able to help me.

Sincerely,
Gina

Dear Gina,

Thanks for your question.

We can see how his behavior would be confusing to you. But your initial take on guys is dead on: If a guy is into a girl typically he’ll do whatever he can to make it happen, unless of course he’s painfully shy, which doesn’t seem to be the case with your best friend.

Obviously he cares a lot about you. He values you as a friend, and enjoys your company. He trusts you, and feels comfortable sharing his thoughts and dreams with you. But something is missing for him. Otherwise he would doing whatever he could to take your relationship to the next level. The fact that he isn’t doing that tells us he’s likely not into you in that way.

Here’s the tricky part to all of this: His behavior won’t necessarily be 100 percent consistent. Meaning, he might try and sleep with you at some point, or be physical with you in some way. But if this happens it will likely be his way of trying to force something that isn’t there. We can assure you he’s wishing he was in love with you. And he’s likely beating himself up and telling himself he’s a fool for not being in love with you. But if he was attracted to you in that way we think you’d already be a couple. You have to look at how he is MOST of the time. How does he behave towards you the majority of the time? That’s the question you have to ask yourself. From what we can see, he treats you as a loving friend, but not a girlfriend.

But why not talk to him about it? He might not want to tell you the whole truth, but at least the topic will be open for conversation. That would be a start in unraveling this mystery.

Best of luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Confusion: Is my housemate interested in just sex?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Dear Guys,

I have lived in a shared house for a while now, and recently my house mates have changed—one of them being a man age 28.

We hit it off pretty well and like the same things. The mixed signal part is that when he’s busy drinking, and getting slightly drunk, he’s very flirtatious, and we’ve ended up having sex twice now. But only when he’s in that state; otherwise he doesn’t approach me, apart from in a house mate fashion.

I’m confused as to what that means. Please help!

Deliah

Dear Deliah,

Thanks for your question.

This is actually pretty straightforward. His actions are telling you the answer. When he’s drunk he’s interested in having sex with you, and when he’s sober he reverts back to a business relationship with you.

If you want to view this in hopeful terms you could paint him as a shy guy who needs a little drink to help him come out of his shell. But more likely the alcohol makes him feel randy, and since you are present, available, and willing, he pursues you for sex. We’re not saying he would have sex with anyone who happened to be standing there, but alcohol certainly makes everyone and everything seem attractive.

Our advice is don’t succumb to his advances when he’s been drinking. In fact, you might want to remove yourself from the situation. Either go to your room, or even better, leave the house and go out with friends or something. If this is too difficult, you might want to think about finding some new housemates, or even possibly, a new house to live in.

Even nice guys want sex as much as possible. All guys are wired that way. And when an opportunity presents itself like the one you’re describing, many a guy would seize the moment. It’s easy and fun. We’re not saying it’s right, just that it is. So we hope for the next time you understand that if you’re in a relationship that’s only about sex, it’s more than likely it will always be just about sex.

We wish you the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Feel free to leave us a follow up comment or question.

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Hey There,

I can’t believe I’m emailing you for advice, but I’ve got to get your perspective! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I’m now 33 and he’s 36. We get along amazingly well. No drama, just mostly have fun doing things together (surfing, golfing) and great sex. He has always said from the beginning that marriage is not for him. He had a terrible upbringing through several divorces, not knowing who his real dad is, and has a couple of friends who are in gnarly marriages. That being said, I’ve never pressed the issue because I hadn’t ever needed or wanted the additional commitment. I know he’s committed to me, and I totally trust him and our relationship. We moved in together about 6 months ago, and things are still going just great. For some reason, now I’m struggling with “why fix what’s not broke” with the whole marriage thing, yet I’m feeling like I need something more solid of a commitment rather than just his word of “I’m going to be with you forever.”

Maybe it’s my age? I’m 33 and he’s 36. I just know he will never marry me, and how do I turn my back on such a great relationship over a stupid piece of paper? Is it more than a piece of paper? Is it a more solid, set in stone commitment that I am looking for? Hmmmmm……

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question. We alway get a chuckle when someone writes to us and says, “I can’t believe I’m asking you guys a relationship question.” We understand completely. But sometimes the best way to get an objective opinion is to ask a bunch of strangers. And we also know how difficult it is trying to pry an answer out of a guy friend. So we’re glad you wrote to us.

Every couple handles the issue of marriage differently. Most couples do end up getting married at some point if they stay together a long time. However, some couples happily stay together their entire lives without getting married and it works for them. Other couples break up over this very issue, and others decide to get married later in life when the relationship becomes more complicated due to having kids, buying a home, or changing health.

We guess the answer has less to do with your man, and more to do with you. You guy seems fine with your situation, but you don’t. So the question is why? Are you getting pressure to get married from family or friends? Are you traveling in social circles where you feel awkward because you’re not married? Are you thinking about having children and would like to feel more solid in your standing with him? Or are you really not sure why you feel the way you do, but you know it’s bothering you?

First of all, don’t underestimate what you have currently. From what you describe you’re in a loving relationship with a good man. We can tell you that a lot of people would love to have what you have. We’re not saying you shouldn’t feel how you do, because really, what other people do and think doesn’t really factor into what you’re feeling and doing. But we think it’s important enough to mention if only to give you some perspective on what’s really important in a relationship: love, trust, and good communication.

But having said that we also think you need to bring up the topic; because if he loves you, we would think he would want to know if something was bothering you. But be careful here. You need to plan out what you’re going to say if you decide to bring it up. It can’t be accusatory, or threatening in any way. But it certainly could be brought up within the context of a broader conversation about your future together. For example, it could be part of: What happens if/when we have kids? What happens when we’re older, or buy a home together?

We won’t lie to you. We believe the vow of marriage does bring another level of commitment to a relationship. Even just planning the actual wedding day and then following through with the ceremony, ups the ante. Of course the divorce rate is still ridiculously high at close to 50%, so marriage is no guarantee of forever. But it does mean something more than just a piece of paper.

In the end you need to figure out what you need, and then make a decision. First figure out what is the real problem. Is it not getting married? Or are there other possible divisions between the two of you? We think you really need to figure out why you feel the way you do. Once you’ve done that, it will be clearer how to move forward. This could be an easy problem to resolve, or it could be far more complicated than you think. Do some soul searching, and really get to the bottom of this.

Also, people change their minds over the course of their lives. Your man might have said what he said before he was involved with you, but maybe he feels differently now? Just because he has friends who aren’t in great relationships and he grew up in a broken home doesn’t necessarily mean he shouldn’t get married. Many people with similar experiences happily jump into marriage vowing to do things differently than their parents or friends. Have you talked about it with him? Or are you afraid to bring it up for fear it could rock the boat? If so, then it actually might be an issue. Because if your relationship is tenuous enough to be changed by this conversation, what happens when something else big comes up? (Something will at some point) There shouldn’t be any topic that is taboo if you truly have a trusting, loving relationship.

One final note: Breaking up with someone you love over a “piece of paper” as you call it, does seem excessive, but people have broken up for much simpler reasons than that. We will say if getting married is something you need in order to feel “secure” in this relationship, it’s something that needs examining; because that feeling isn’t going to go away anytime soon.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question.

Am I being played again?

Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Other questions on “Getting Played”

Different Cultures; is he more than a friend, less than a lover?

Did I get played by this girl? and The Party Guy

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Guys,

Okay so for some reason, the guys I am interested in always end up playing me. I notice when this happens usually I am the one initiating things. Such as, asking if they’d like to hang out after meeting them a few times. From there I end up falling for them. Our “hang outs” seem too good to be true. Then something happens.

1. He says he’s not looking for anything but wonders if it’s cool if we keeping “doing what we’re doing”.

2. I decide he needs to contact me the next time and he never does. Sometimes even getting a girlfriend soon after.

Well this pattern has seemed to be a reoccurring theme recently. Am I prone to bad luck or what? Am I doing something wrong? Now there’s this one guy.. He’s different, but possibly the same. There’s definitely a connection though. We’ve met a few times. I asked if he’d like to hang out. He agreed. I had a great time and supposedly he did too. We talked quite a bit. I thought I got a lot of hints that he liked me. First he asked if I had a boy friend. (I didn’t of course).Then our past relationships came up briefly. I kept it short saying I felt I deserved better. He replied saying, “You never know, something better might be standing right in front of you.” He leaned in slowly and kissed my cheek when we said our goodbyes, giving me a few firm hugs. I need advice! I’m scared to get feelings for a guy then have him hurt me again.

How do I know if he’s interested? Or how do I keep him interested?

Thank you so much,

Rachelle
(Btw I’m 19 years old, going on 20)

Dear Rachelle,

Thanks for your question. We realized you asked us the question in early July, which means your current situation has probably changed one way or another. However, we thought your question was a good one because many young women might be grappling with the same issue.

From the get go, you might want to let the guy be the one to take the initiative. (We think you know this.) We realize that taking the initiative gives you some control, but once you pursue a guy you’ve now handed him all the power, which ironically leads to less control as the relationship progresses. And at least at the beginning, when things are very uncertain how they might play out, you might want to sit on your “hands” and wait for the guy to ask you out. Yes, this might be difficult for you since you’re a take charge kind of girl, but it’s the right way to go. Also, if a guy asks you out then you’ll know he’s interested in you.

We’re not advocating game playing in your relationships. However, at the beginning, there is no relationship. It’s just you and the guy, and a world of unknowns. Who is this guy? What is he like? Will we get along? Do we have common interests? What does he do for work? Is he caring, kind, compassionate, smart? Does he want kids? What’s his family like? Will they like me? When will I meet his friends? Does he have any friends? Is he good in bed? The questions go on and on, but believe us he’s wondering the same things about you if he’s interested.

So Rachelle, you’re not prone to bad luck. There’s nothing wrong with you, except you’re a bit too eager. You need to let things unfold more organically, and let the guy make the first move, and maybe even the second, third, and fourth! But don’t change who you are. If the guys you’re dating keep playing you, or making you feel insecure, then it’s more likely you’re dating the wrong type of guy. Just take a deep breath, relax and be yourself. That’s the most attractive quality anyone can have.

And Rachelle, don’t forget to enjoy yourself.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some other questions to check out:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Why did we really break up?

Friends with benefits?

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits?

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more?

Booty call or relationship trouble

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

___________________________

Dear Guys,

So I recently started hooking up with this guy. I liked him a little, and told him I wanted to keep things casual before we both start college in the fall. We hooked up one time, and ended up going “all the way.” I was originally not going to text him, but he began texting me and we’ve been talking non-stop. I’ve hung out with his friends, but he will never touch me in front of them. However, once we get into the car, he’ll begin talking to me and he’ll kiss me good night. We’ve gone “all the way” a few times now, and we both know each other really well. I am worried because he stopped texting me, even though he told me how eager he is to see me again in a non-sexual setting. I’m trying to figure out if this means he wants to be more than “friends with benefits,” or are we still only in the “hook up” stage? Keep in mind, we’ve hung out together and not done anything, and we both still have fun. I’m really confused about the state of this relationship

Hilary

Dear Hilary,

Thanks for your question.

Part of the confusion stems from your initial desire to keep things casual before you leave for college. But when you couple that with “hooking up,” which for some someone your age isn’t typically casual, now we’re even a bit confused.

What we’re gathering from your note is that now you’ve decided you like this guy beyond a “friends with benefits” arrangement. And this is the problem with casual “hook ups.” Someone—and often the woman because men still seem to more easily separate the physical from the emotional—starts to get connected emotionally, which leads to a potentially confusing and frustrating situation.

It might be nice to sort this out before you leave for college in a few weeks, but this could be the type of situation where things are up in the air even as you leave for school. A lot is going to happen for both of you in the next 9 months. And since things are already unclear between the two of you, maybe you should revert back to a platonic relationship with him so you can keep yourself open to new possibilities as you enter school. There ARE couples that stay together all throughout college, but those couples are rare, and usually have a solid foundation in place before they do the long distance dance. More typically, couples split up and explore on their own, and then sometimes reconnect a few years later. We think if people are meant to be together, somehow they’ll end up finding each other again.

If this answer doesn’t help you, then your best bet is to talk to him and try to find out where his head is at. And of course tell him how you’re feeling as well. But since he’s been giving you mixed signals you may not get the answer you’re hoping for.

Good luck on all fronts,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a comment or feel free to ask a follow up question. And let your friends know about us.

___________________________

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Is he into me or not?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Dear Guys,

I met this guy a couple of years ago. We flirted back and forth. I’ve been divorced for a few years. I ran into him in the spring and he told me he had just gotten divorced. We flirted for a couple more months then finally got together for drinks. Unfortunately, the drinks were many and I ended up sleeping with him. We had a couple of dates after that and I thought things were fine. We were trying to get to know each other. Then he leaves town for two months and doesn’t call, text, email or anything. Upon returning to town he sends me an email and says he really likes me, but he has a lot going on. I left it at that. (We see eachother a lot at a mutual work site.) I have been friendly and he seems to seek me out. He has been flirtatious and texts on occasion. I have tried to let him know that I’m still interested. Some days he seems into me and others he completely ignores me. I don’t know whether to wait it out or move on to the next.

Anne

Dear Anne,

Thanks for your question.

Your guy seems all over the place. And maybe that’s exactly where he needs to be since you mentioned he just got divorced. In our minds the question isn’t whether he’s into you—we think he is, at least physically—but more whether or not he’s actually ready to be in a committed relationship so soon after splitting up with his ex-wife.

As you know Anne, relationships have as much to do with timing as they do with chemistry. The two of you have the chemistry but we’re not so sure about the timing. And if he just wants to be single right now but he senses you want more, that could be the reason he’s playing it cool, and sending you mixed signals. That doesn’t mean it might not work out at some point down the road, but if it does it will be a long drawn-out process, that will likely be emotionally draining, and leave you exhausted and possibly resentful.

Let’s take a look at his actions for a moment. People who want to be committed to someone don’t leave town for a few months without keeping in close contact. Your guy basically disappeared and did whatever he pleased without worrying about how his actions affected you or anyone else. While we don’t condone his behavior if he were in a committed relationship with you, we also understand where he’s at. Depending on how his divorce ended, or how the preceding years played out, he probably needs to be free from any sort of commitment. And it’s likely, at least for the next few years, he wants to be single, play the field, and reacquaint himself with his former self.

So where does that leave you?

You have three choices.

1. You can just wait and see if he comes around, and continue on with how it’s going. If you’re fine with a casual, flirtatious type of relationship, with the occasional hookup, this scenario will work for you. But it’s likely you’ll just be more frustrated as the months go by.

2. You can move on and put yourself out there in the dating world. You never know what cool person is around the corner. And honestly we don’t think your guy is ready to be with anyone seriously.

3. Or you can tell him how you feel and try to find out where his head’s at. We understand you don’t want to pressure him, but if you really think he’s worth it, and you really have no idea where he’s coming from, this will at least give you some answers. It doesn’t seem like there’s much to lose since all you’re doing right now is flirting with each other.

We hope this helps. Please feel free to leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question. (Leave in comments section.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us.

Long distance relationship: push and pull

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Dear Guys,

Ok, So I met this guy who’s 31—I’m 35. We met out in San Francisco in early March 2011. I live in Atlanta. I met him through a friend and from the very moment we met he pursued me heavily. Even when I got back home from SF he was texting me wanting attention, answers, and basically asking me if he had a chance. I basically decided to go for it. We continued this affair through Skype (ALOT), hundreds of texts, pictures, phone calls, etc. for months. I planned a trip for him to see me in Atlanta for three days. The trip went well, but upon his return he slowly started getting cold feet, stating the reality was getting to him. Anyway, this is after 2 months.

We continued the relationship but he stated he wasn’t sure if he was ready, but was still open to the idea. I booked yet another trip to SF and flew out there 3 weeks later after his visit. This time it was for 5 days just with him. I will have to be honest, he’s very warm, sweet, and inexperienced in the relationship dept. He wanted to make me happy, impress me, take me out on trips, etc. There was a lot of sex. I mean a lot. But also with other activities included. It was wonderful, but I was a little out of my comfort zone and started noticing him freezing up the last day, not wanting to hold my hand and not really expressing himself.

On my plane ride back he basically told me he wasn’t feeling it. That day a lot of drinking was done and I was a little edgy. When I came back, I was angry and hurt. He was basically trying to cut ties with me. Through the next three weeks, we ended up speaking again and he basically said to me that he had deep insecurities, and that I could do so much better than him, and he was in a different place in his life. That he hasn’t achieved much and he had un-resolved anger. That he could see me getting hurt down the road. The letter was heartfelt and sincere and I can see he has some issues to work through. I continued to talk to him for 45 days and tried to get close!

But the entire time has been push and pull. Hot and cold. He said he has feelings for me and doesn’t know what it is when he’s around me, but something makes him feel wonderful, he misses me, wants to see me. Then the next day he pulls back but continues to text, call late night. I get angry and start getting hurt but ask him to come visit again. He says we shall see… Never does, and always has an excuse. He just basically seems confused and back and forth and conflicted, yet won’t let go. I have decided to fly back out to San Francisco to visit a friend and he TRULY wants to see me, saying it would be a “dream” to have me and see me. Yada, Yada, How wonderful. Yet, he’s said four days prior he’s not ready.

Ok, I am not ready to give up on him. But what is he doing? How should I go about this? What is he trying to say? I am very independent, pretty female that took a risk on someone that doesn’t do as well financially, nor quite mature in some regards but he carries such a warm space in my heart. I need to know how to win him and to get him on the track of this long distance thing in hopes for us to be together and come home to one another eventually. It’s not easy, but so far we are going on five months. It will be six by my next visit.

THANK YOU FOR listening. I’m trying to stick to actualities and facts. I do have very strong feelings for him or I wouldn’t be writing all of this, right?

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Thanks for your question. We got to it as quickly as we could. Sorry for the delay.

We think you really need to look at his actions, not his words Jennifer. What you’re describing is a common pattern among men when it comes to long distance relationships. We’re not saying all men are like this, but certainly enough to label it as a pattern.

Here’s how it goes:

Before the actual visit the guy is excited for you to come. He texts. He calls. He romances. He’s involved. He’s present. All of these actions and feelings are genuine, but often misplaced. We say misplaced, because the origins of some of these actions are sex based. Meaning, the anticipation of the upcoming sex is enough to fuel much of his pre-visit actions. Is it all about sex? Not necessarily, but it’s a big factor for guys.

Now the actual visit. It starts off great. Lots of fun. Lots of sex. He’s excited. All is well. But as the visit goes on, it becomes less about sex, and more about a relationship, and so reality hits for the guy, and that’s when he starts thinking with his actual head. And for many guys, the reality is very different than the fantasy, so he begins to question if he wants it or not.

By the time the visit comes to an end, the guy is distant and he’s already trying to figure out his exit plan. He starts blaming it on himself. Telling you there’s something wrong with him, most likely because he doesn’t want to hurt you, or he doesn’t want any drama. By the time you leave, he’s already got one foot out the door, and he’s managed to confuse you beyond belief. You say, “How can he want me so much, but then not want me?” Our answer: He can. Trust us.

So then you leave, and for the next few weeks, he remains distant, uncommunicative, uninterested. Then he starts thinking about sex again, maybe two or three weeks after you leave, and he starts associating you with all the fun he had, and all of a sudden he starts reconsidering his previous actions. The next thing you know he’s calling again, texting you, and missing you.

Then the cycle begins again.

This is exactly what you’re describing Jennifer. It’s possible he could come around, but we’re just saying: Tread carefully here because we’re concerned you’re going to get hurt repeatedly based on what you’re describing.

Good luck and take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Where is this relationship going?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Dear Guys,

I have two dilemmas.

1st Dilemma.
I’ve been hanging out with a guy for a couple months now. We both have busy and somewhat opposite schedules, so we end up hanging out late at night or at the end/beginning of our shifts.We see each other once, maybe twice tops a week. We’ve gone on dates and hooked up but have never spent the night at each other’s places. It could be 3 am but he will always go home or drive me home because he has to work early, which I understand. (Usually people in a relationship just sleep over.) When I date someone I am used to talking to them regularly and having a normal routine so to speak. We don’t.

2nd Dilemma:
I am really bad at communicating my feelings face-to-face and tend to bottle them in my head and I get easily frustrated and can get crazy girl mode on him. I feel badly because he always gives me the opportunity to express myself when we’re together but I freeze up and can never think of what I want to say on the spot.

Please help me get over this “relationship” & “communication” anxiety.

Am I just wasting my time with this guy??

Janice

Dear Janice,

Thanks for your question.

So when you say you freeze up, is this after he expresses how he feels about you? Or do you want to tell him how you feel but are afraid to because you’re not sure how he feels? The two are very different.

Lots of people are scared about communicating their feelings. It’s normal. So don’t be so hard on yourself. If he was continually telling you he cares for you, we can’t see any reason you wouldn’t tell him how you feel about him. But if he’s being closed, and not communicating his feelings, it totally makes sense for you to be bottled up and not want to reveal your true feelings. Sometimes that feeling of anxiety has more to do with the overall situation than it has to do with the individuals involved. And in your case, we think the uncertainty of the relationship is contributing to your anxiety.

Here’s your real dilemma: One of you is going to have to take the risk and talk about this. Otherwise you’re going to be in this perpetual state of limbo, where you see each other late at night, hook up, but never see the light of day together like “normal” couples do. We understand your work schedules don’t jive, but if this goes on the way it’s going, what you’re really describing is a booty call situation, where he’s kind of getting what he wants, but you’re not. And we’re pretty sure that’s not what you’re looking for with this man.

We don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to bring up the topic. You don’t necessarily have to reveal how you feel if you’re not comfortable doing that, but you could make a joke and ask him if you’re ever going to see him during the day, and maybe go out on a proper date. It’s possibly he just needs some prompting in order for him to move forward.

If it turns out he’s not interested in anything more than what’s going on now, at least you’ll have all the information you need in order to make an informed decision about what you ultimately want.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question. (In the comments section) And be sure to let your friends know about us.

Confused about this man’s thinking?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Guys,

The guy I was dating got divorced 2-3 yrs ago after his wife cheated on him. We started hanging out last summer with mutual friends. It was obvious there was a connection but it was acknowledged that we were on two different pages (He didn’t want a relationship and I did. I’m a relationship girl). We went on like this for four months, enjoying hanging out as friends and having a blast.

Then all of a sudden he started texting and wanting to hang out without the mutual friends. I was wary at first because I did really like him and wanted to hang out, but didn’t want him to get the impression that I was fine with a casual relationship because I wasn’t. We hung out on our own for a couple of weeks and then he asked me what I wanted and I said, “A relationship.” And he then said he wanted the same. So we became a couple.

The whole time we were dating he would say things like he thought we were made for each other and that we were soul mates. We are so freakishly alike even down to the weird way we eat certain foods. He even admitted that he was building his house and barn for me. We became super close. I actually thought he was the one. I never used to believe it when people would say ‘you know when you know,’ but it instantly hit me. I actually could see a life together with him. No hesitation whatsoever. Since he went through the divorce he now has some trust issues but not really with me; but it was obvious they were there.

After several months of dating, we had a little fight at a bar and I left without him as he said he wasn’t ready to leave. The next day he showed up at my house wanting to talk and confessed that he had his old Booty Call take him home. But he swears nothing happened; she just dropped him off. I said I needed some time to digest it all and the next day we talked and he said that maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Yet he continued to call and text me as he did when we were dating. Every other weekend when he didn’t have his daughter we spent together even during the week.

It was like nothing changed but our titles. I know what you are going to say, he was just hanging around for the sex. Well, here’s the kicker: we never had sex the whole time we were dating. His excuse started out as he was too drunk then it turned into that sex complicates relationships and takes relationships to another level. Duh! That’s what relationships do; they progress forward. I ended up walking away as I could not continue to put myself through the emotional turmoil. Now he is trying to put some of the blame for the end of the relationship on me when I feel he should take full blame for dicking me over. He changed the rules in the middle of the game. I was honest about what I wanted from the beginning and I feel like he broke his word. I feel like he never intended for this to really go all the way. I’m not naive enough to know that if he wanted to be with me he would. I just want to know what was going through his mind to do this. And I’ll point out that we aren’t young—20 somethings. We are in our mid-30s. This whole ordeal has sent me for a loop and I can’t stop obsessing over it.

So Guys give me the low down please!

Casey

Dear Casey,

Thanks for your question.

We can see the two of you had a real nice connection. And maybe if circumstances were different—he hadn’t been cheated on by his ex—things would have played out differently. But the first true test of any relationship is that initial argument or fight. That’s when you find out how committed each person is. In your case your guy realized he didn’t want to deal with anything other than smooth sailing and good times. We’re not saying it’s right or wrong, just that it is.

But as you know, conflict is part of every relationship, and we think it’s not a bad thing at all. It often helps bring people closer together, because fights are honest; they expose true feelings, and they help couples get down to the nitty gritty. Your guy has been wounded, and it seems like now he doesn’t want to deal with anything other than fun. Here’s our take: He initially didn’t want to be in a relationship as he stated to you. But then once he got to know you and the two of you connected well on so many levels he thought to himself, “Maybe I can be in a relationship with this woman. She’s totally cool and totally different.” However, as soon as you had your first fight, he was reminded again that relationships, no matter whom you’re with, take work. And he wasn’t ready to do the work required to move forward.

We can understand his position, but we can also understand why you’re upset and confused. He took you for a little emotional ride and it doesn’t feel good. Yes, he should have been clearer with you AND with himself, but our sense is, he truly thought he could give it a go, and then realized he couldn’t. Our biggest issue with him, and a huge red flag for you, is the fact that he went home with his former Booty Call as soon as he had the least bit of conflict with you. That should tell you his state of mind, and should tell you he’s far from ready to commit to someone. We’re not saying he cheated on you, we’re saying she’s his default woman because his relationship with her is clear and uncomplicated.

No, he shouldn’t be putting the blame on you, but at the same time you need to stop obsessing over who’s to blame here. The most important thing you can do is chalk this up to experience, as hard as that may be, and move on. Assigning blame is only going to hinder your healing and keep you closed to the next person you meet.

Our advice? If you truly want to put this behind you, we would suggest not hanging out with him, talking to him, or having any sort of communication with him. Hang in there Casey.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook and You Tube.

Long distance relationship: Trying again

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Hey guys, (Sorry in advance for my long message!)

I met this guy almost a year ago online. We soon started talking and it developed into cyber-romance of sorts. A few months ago we decided to meet up after I told him I would be vacationing in a city near where he lived. We met up, had an amazing time, got intimate, and decided that once I went back home we would try a long-distance relationship. During that time, I applied to a study abroad program to be closer to him. Then things got…interesting.

We started arguing, over various things; his work is very high-stress and that may have contributed, but certain misunderstandings and insecurities started manifesting, and eventually we decided it might be best to end our relationship. It was his decision, and although it hurt me, I saw that it was probably the best thing since at this point it seemed to be all negative with very little positive to balance it out. Although we were very happy when I was there, the positives didn’t seem to be around quite so much when I wasn’t.

We’re still friends, and perhaps due to the experience, are closer than ever. I recently got accepted into one of the study abroad programs I had applied to (what timing, eh?) and I’ve decided to go: partially because I still care for him and partially because it’s always been a dream of mine.

I’m just a bit confused because, since I’ve told him I’m going, he’s been showing some signs that he might like to try again. We talk every day (we never stopped talking every day) and he has expressed that he’s not over me and for some reason can’t seem to get over me. He’s made various long-term plans with me, and confides in me more than he does anyone else. (He’s very closed-off with most people). There have been times when he’s admitted we’re more than just friends, and yet there are also times when he assures me we’re just friends. We’re still very attracted to each other and recently when we were having a discussion he said, “Why didn’t we work better than we did?” I explained my thoughts on it and then asked what he thought, and he said, “I think some day we’ll work it out. We just have to let it happen naturally. We can’t force it or it’ll ruin what we have and I don’t want that.”

I see that he cares about me and I still very much care for him, but I don’t know the extent or the sort of feelings he has. He’s very much a “head over heart” type of guy and expressed that he won’t allow himself to give me another chance at this time because he’s afraid of being hurt; but he also tells me constantly that he doesn’t know what will happen when I’m closer to his vicinity.

Maybe I sound a little pathetic, but I thought maybe you guys could help me out and give me a little male insight.

Thanks

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your question. You don’t sound pathetic at all. In fact you seem like an intelligent and intuitive young lady.

Long distance relationships seem to amplify every insecurity and fear two people have. (As you know) Some people are able to suppress these emotions as they crop up and focus on the bigger picture. (You seem to fall into that category.) Other people are not able to. (Your Guy) It’s clear the long distance piece of the relationship was too straining on your guy. It made him feel out of control, so he ended it.

Relationships are hard enough, but without a solid foundation of day-to-day, face-to-face time, they’re even more difficult. You conducted 95% of your relationship online before you met in person, so we can see how this was difficult to make the leap to a long distance relationship.

From what you describe your guy is definitely still interested. It’s clear he’s attracted to you, and you’ve said there’s strong chemistry between the two of you. Sure he’s giving you mixed signals but mainly because he’s not sure how it will be when you live nearby, since most of your relationship has been via email, text, or phone. And he’s nervous. You’re just going to have to wait and see, but we think it’s a very good possibility he’ll be ready to give it another shot shortly after you arrive.

The best thing you can do is be open to possibility, and make it clear to him that he can trust you emotionally. We realize it’s hard to open yourself up because it’s easier to get hurt if it doesn’t work out, but it’s really the only way to move forward in any relationship.

And please keep us posted with a follow up comment or question.

THE GUYS

ps. Consider a donation to THE GUYS. Thanks!

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.

Dear Guys,

So my boyfriend and I have had a “thing” since 9th grade. We’ve been official for 17 months now and senior year is coming up. We both love each other very much and have always talked about going to college together. He’s from California and I’m planning to go to Uni in Washington. There was one point when I was feeling insecure about the idea of having a long distance relationship if it ended up that we went to schools in different states. He reassured me by saying that we could do it – we could do anything that we wanted and we could make it work if that’s what we wanted. This was a few months ago in February.

I asked him recently if he was still wanting to keep our relationship going after high school since senior year is starting soon. He responded by saying that he did not want to keep me from my dreams and from meeting other people and said how difficult it would be to go from seeing each other almost everyday to seeing each other MAYBE three months of the year. He also said that we could make it work if we wanted to and we could do anything, as he had said previously in February. Keep in mind that while talking about this, he is vising his home in California and I am still back at home. (We live overseas). We haven’t physically been together in about a month.

Some of my friends think that he’s scared about the future and is why he seems less sure now. One of my friends used to be really tight with him before we were dating, and she told me that before he asked me to be his girlfriend he would change his mind often, worrying about what to do. Obviously in the end, he asked me out. Do you think this is what is happening now? I love him very much and I know that long distance relationships are hard, and of course I’m aware that it might not work if we did it. But I don’t see the point in keeping a relationship when you know for a fact that it is going to end. He said that he would “happily” do long distance if that’s what I want. But I don’t think the decision should be completely mine. If it is going to work, we both should want it. We have only talked about this a couple of days ago and I’m now scared to talk about it anymore because I don’t want to pressure him, but at the same time I don’t want to have a relationship that I know will end.

Rae

Dear Rae,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly you’re a planner, and we can see you’d like to know what’s going to happen after high school. But what about senior year? It seems to us that you’re kind of jumping the gun here. College is a long way off, and a lot can happen before then. We’re not saying you should be worried because something might happen, but why not delay worrying about plans and enjoy your senior year together—or at least the first half? Sure we realize you have to choose your college by December, but you don’t have to choose to be in a long distance relationship until next fall.

It’s not a good idea to break up with someone just because you think it’s going to end a year from now. You have to let this play out. If the two of you stay together this coming year, the whole scenario will be much clearer. In four to six months, with all the new experiences you’ll have together, he may have a completely different mindset than he has now. He may be totally clear he wants to try a long distance relationship, and no longer be giving you mixed signals. Of course on the flipside, maybe one of you will decide it’s not what you want. But you have to just wait and see even if it’s hard. Otherwise you’re going to experience major regret.

Our advice is: Stop worrying about this now. Otherwise you’re going to “miss” all of next year. Life is about being present, not constantly looking to the future. Yes, it’s important to plan, but sometimes plans can’t be made until the time is right to make them. Does that make sense? Sometimes we need more experiences and time to make a more informed, and clearer decision.

So have some fun with the guy you love. And remember to keep talking about this, AND listening to each other. You’re right, both of you should want this, so try and work this out together. Communication is the key to a successful relationship. This may work out, and it may not, but let it all happen organically.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook.

Was breaking up with him the right thing to do?

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We understand that many of your questions are pressing, and need answering ASAP. For those people who would like their question answered within 1-3 days, we encourage you to send us a donation to move your question to the top of the queue. If you’re not sure how much to donate, give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you. (Use the PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site. It’s the easiest and safest way for you AND us. It does require you signing up for PayPal, which is a good thing to have if you’re purchasing on the web.)

Otherwise we currently have a three to five week wait for questions to be answered. We still try to answer all questions, but it’s impossible to get to every one of them. And keep in mind that all questions accompanied by a donation move in front of all other questions, which means the delay might get longer.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.) Or on our podcast.

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Long distance relationship: Visiting issue

Break up: Will he come back?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.

Dear Guys,

I recently broke up with this guy for many reasons, but I still have the urge to go back to him even though all my friends don’t like him. I’m 21 and he’s 25. We dated for almost a year and during that time he never introduced me to his friends, but always saying he eventually would. (And since I couldn’t be out later at night it was hard because they always met up so late.) He would also ignore me for days when he didn’t want to tell me something. He didn’t show up to my birthday party or wish me a ‘Happy Birthday.’ And when I tried to break it off he said he was scared to tell me he couldn’t make it to my party which I had told him about weeks in advance. And then he asked me for another chance and said he would never ignore me again; and he said he would change because I meant a lot to him.

Well things were good for the first two weeks but a month later he was ignoring me again for no reason and this time I texted him and ended things. He had always told me that I was different from any other girl he dated and he was learning from his mistakes. But how long do I keep giving him a chance?

Is it true, that if he really cared he would come back, or am I just holding on to false hope that he ever did care?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry about your situation. Break ups are difficult, especially if you’re questioning whether or not you did the right thing.

First of all it’s important to listen to your friends. If all of them are saying the same thing, that should tell you something. Remember, if they are truly good friends they want the best for you, which means they want you to be happy. If you meet some great guy in the future, it’s likely your friends will be excited for you, and do what they can to support you. Sure, they might get jealous initially because a new person in your life means they’ll have less time with you. But eventually they will come around when they realize how happy you are. But that’s not what’s going on here. They universally don’t like this guy, and that’s a big red flag. (You should watch our video on this topic. “Listen to your friends” See our Video Page)

Another red flag is the fact that he ignores you. How does it make you feel? Ignoring you puts him in a position of power and gives him control over you. And it’s no way to behave in a relationship. In fact we can’t think of anything more upsetting AND maddening than being ignored, and not being listened to. It’s one thing to not return a phone call because work is crazy, and your boss is on your case. It’s another thing to return calls or texts only when you feel like it. Maybe this guy is learning from his mistakes, but in our book, this is Common Sense 101. Communication is so important in any relationship, and your guy has a long way to go in this department.

We’ve gotten several questions over the past year involving a situation where one person in the relationship was not being introduced to family and friends of the other person. And what we’ve said is: Anyone who’s excited about their boyfriend or girlfriend should be shouting about the new relationship from the rooftops. Which means, we can’t think of any good reason for your guy NOT to be introducing you to his friends and family. Going out late is not an excuse. In fact, taking this a step further, we’d think he’d want to elicit his friends’ opinions about you if he was serious about the relationship. So Jessica, we hope this might give you some sense of his level of commitment to you and your relationship.

We can’t tell you what you should do, but we hope this gives you a clearer, more objective viewpoint of your situation.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please feel free to leave us a follow up comment with update, etc. Also, please let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. (See button, top right on this page)

Break up: Will he come back?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy (Just went up today!)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a three to four week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Long distance relationship: Visiting issue

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating someone for the past one and a half years. We are 25 and 27. Our relationship was very good and our bond was solid; we were always very happy together. After one year together, I discussed with him the possibility of moving our relationship forward in the next one to three years. It was like pulling teeth. My feelings turned to resentment after many months. Finally, he decided to try counseling to see why he was so afraid of commitment even though he loves me.

I broke up with him last month after I couldn’t take it anymore. Two weeks later he comes back asking for more time. I give it to him. One month later, he tells me he still couldn’t come to terms with marriage and so here I am now.

I’m so upset I haven’t talked to him because it will make me feel worse. I know he wants to be friends. What should I do? I love this man and thought he was the one I’d spend forever with. Part of me says to cut ties but the other part says there are so many people that get back together down the road, maybe that’ll be us, so I should stay friends.

What are the chances of reconciliation? After all, we did not break up because we don’t love each other anymore. Help!

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.

We think his actions speak louder than his words. We don’t doubt he cares a lot about you. We’re sure you’ve shared a lot of great times in the last few years, but clearly something was missing for him, or he would have been excited to move forward with you.

People sometimes get back together down the road, but not too often; and if they do, it’s usually many, many years down the road, when people have matured, evolved, and almost become different people. But most of the time, after a painful few months—and sometimes a bit longer—people go on to live their own lives, finding new love and possibility.

We think your best plan Sandy is to let yourself grieve, and then start to move on. You might have thought this guy was the man of your dreams, but our sense is, when it came down to it, he didn’t feel the same way. Clearly there’s something he isn’t telling you. Or maybe there isn’t anything to tell you beyond the bottom line: His gut tells him something is missing for him.

Even though this may be difficult to hear, but we think you ultimately want a man who loves you the way you love him, and who is just as excited at the prospect of spending his life with you, as you are with him. Because as you know, without this reciprocation, resentment and anger will likely flourish and that’s no foundation to build a relationship from.

We have faith that all of this will work out for you Sandy. Hang in there. And when you do find the right person for you, you probably won’t have to even have a discussion about moving forward; our guess is it will just happen naturally.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Subscribe to our You Tube Channel. More videos soon.

DTR talk required: I’d like to “Define the Relationship”

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy (Just went up today!)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

He moved out: What should I do?

Long distance relationship: Visiting issue

Hi Guys,

I am in desperate need of an opinion here…

I’ve known this guy for years now. We used to have sex three years ago. We would go for a coffee, swimming, etc. But then we stopped seeing each other.

Three months ago we reconnected. We went for long runs, went swimming, practiced yoga, went for dinner, and breakfast. He took me sailing with his dad and best friend. After that we met again, he cooked dinner and we ended up having sex.

Now we get together and end up having sex. I’ll stay at his place, then he’ll take me to work in the morning.

Last week I met his other best friend…The thing is that he doesn’t contact me much—just a few texts. He takes like an average of five hours to reply to an text. At this point—a month after we had sex for the “first” time— I am wondering whether I am just a booty call or whether we should have the DTR talk..

Maria

Dear Maria,

Thanks for your question. We are embarrassed to say we had to look up DTR to see what it stood for. Although we learned of 25 different possible answers we’re assuming it means: Define the Relationship.

If you’ve had sex with him, why can’t you have the DTR conversation? You’ve already been intimate with him, so we see no reason not to at least get a clearer sense about where you stand with him, and what he wants out of your relationship.

Clearly you want more, so it seems important to know if the two of you are on the same page. If not, we’d say it’s time for you to MOTSE: move on to someone else. Unless you’re happy being the BC: Booty call.

Also, you’ve been on and off for three years now. If something serious were going to happen between the two of you, we’re wondering why it hasn’t already. So yes, it’s time for the talk. It may not work out, but at least you won’t be left wondering.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on You Tube.

Long distance relationship: visiting issue

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy (Just went up today!)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

He moved out: What should I do?

Hi Guys,

My boyfriend and I attend the same University but during the summer we go our separate ways back home. It’s a 9 hour drive or 1.5 hour plane flight.

Although he admitted to me that he had been attracted to me the first time he saw me in class, it wasn’t until a few weeks before the year ended that we had a mutual friend set us up for a date. There was immediate chemistry and we fell head over heels, spending every day together for three weeks until we had to go home for summer.

After a few weeks of our long distance summer relationship we decided it’d be great if I went to visit him in July. And since my parents were totally cool with it, I bought the plane ticket and now had a date to look forward to all summer.

The whole time he was at the University for spring term he texted and called me every day. When he went home, it all stopped and I was lucky to get one a day. I got insecure and became angry at the sudden change and he said it was because he only had two months to spend with his parents and we’d have plenty of time during the fall and winter semester together—but his feelings hadn’t changed. He felt bad for making me feel insecure and pleaded for me to still come visit him.

He seems pretty busy all of a sudden. Should I call off this trip that’s supposed to happen in a few weeks? We miss each other but maybe giving each other summers will be more beneficial. How bad could two more months be?

Megan

Dear Megan,

Thanks for your question. You may have already gone on your trip—or not—since you wrote to us a month ago. But if not we think you should go. There’s no reason not to really. (If you already went, how was it? Please give us the update.)

We can see how you’d feel a bit insecure since your connection with him changed so dramatically after you both got home for the summer. Long distance relationships are tough because they require even more trust, fortitude, and commitment than “normal” relationships. Since you only had three weeks to really get to know each other, we can see how the two of you wouldn’t be prepared for the unenviable separation for three months.

In case you find yourself in the same position next summer, here are a few suggestions.

It seems the two of you could benefit from a conversation before school ends next year, at which point you need to discuss how you’re going to conduct the relationship while the two of you are separated by distance. Both his viewpoint and your viewpoint seem reasonable and logical. He wants to spend more time with his family, and knows you’ll be seeing each other soon enough in the fall. You feel you want to keep the strong connection going over the summer by talking or texting often. The two of you need to find a common ground that works for both of you. A compromise. Maybe you agree upon a set number for the amount of times you’re going to talk each day? This might include text messages, phone calls, emails, and Facebook. Let’s say you decide to “talk” three times during each day. You could try it for a month and see how it goes, and then modify it if one of you feels it’s not working.

You also need to decide how many times you’ll visit each other over the summer. Once? Twice? None? (Please discuss cost of the flights as well. This may seem petty, but believe us, it doesn’t take much in this kind of situation.)

With any relationship, communication is the key to making it work over a long period of time. But a long distance relationship requires even more communication, because you can’t rely on seeing the person to keep the connection strong. And without being able to reassure one another face-to-face, often little things can be misinterpreted, and sometimes blown out of proportion. It’s all about talking, which is why many relationship can’t withstand the weight of long distance.

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment. And let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook or on You Tube.

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Dating a younger guy

Please check out our other videos on this page. Also subscribe to our You Tube Channel for more videos delivered to your inbox.

And leave us a comment here or on You Tube. Thanks!

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter. We just joined! @TGPBuzz

Dating a Younger Guy

(Read the script while you watch) Is that even possible??

Younger guys have enthusiasm, where older guys have experience, and as we guys say, enthusiasm often trumps experience. Because who doesn’t want a partner that’s up for anything, and willing to just give it a shot, go with the flow; someone who throws him or herself into every activity with zest and full attention. That’s what you get when you choose enthusiasm over experience. Guys certainly apply this theory, because a person can be hot as all get out on the outside, and frigid as a frozen signpost on the inside. And what person in their right mind wants to put their tongue on a frozen signpost? But we digress.

Yes, enthusiasm is malleable. It can be shaped, molded, and taught. It can be sent on a bevy of errands such as: buying groceries at the store, picking up dinner, taking the dog for a walk, and fetching motrin at 3 in the morning. And in addition, enthusiasm doesn’t complain much because it’s just happy to be there. It’s happy to take part in whatever new experience you have to offer.

So a younger guy is good, but not too young of course. Please make sure your young guy is old enough not to refer to you as his Mrs. Robinson.

If you’re a single mom with kids, and currently dating a younger guy in his twenties—or at least contemplaing it— beware. He’s probably not there for the long haul, even if he’s willing to get down on all fours with your kids, and play in the mud. Because bedding a hot older woman is on the top five of every guy’s fantasy list, especially if he can play with YOU on all fours. And the minute he’s able to cross you off his fantasy list, he’ll move on to threesomes—hopefully with two women—and then the alluring and powerful dominatrix. Unless of course you’re able to cover the gammut. Then he’s there as long as you can keep it up. Kidding. Kind of. No seriously kidding. Not really.

Overall, dating a younger guy, which means someone at least five years younger than you, is a good thing to try. And once you do, you can cross this off YOUR list, and head on to some of the greater challenges and goals you might have, like bedding a professional athlete, a porn star, or the short bald older guy with a huge, um, wallet.

Until next time, This is the Younger Guy’s Perspective.

THE GUYS

Friends with the opposite sex: Am I just jealous?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

He moved out: What should I do?

Hi guys!

My boyfriend has a friend of the opposite sex that I don’t particularly care for. She is the ex of one of his friends. He says they never hang out alone and that he sees her as a tomboy. When I finally met her she snubbed me. We all went out to eat and she sat right across from me and didn’t say a word to me. After that I didn’t bother to try to get to know her. I told my boyfriend how I felt and he just said I was overreacting. He’s upfront about her and tells me everything. It’s just so annoying that she texts him all the time and tries to do stuff with him—without me of course. She is now pregnant and texts him everything about her pregnancy even when her water broke. It just seems too much and I don’t get why she tries to always get my boyfriend’s attention, especially when she has a boyfriend of her own.

When I confront my boyfriend he says I’m crazy and he always defends her instead of understanding where I am coming from. It’s not like they were friends before we started dating. They started hanging out because they hang out in the same crowd and she got his number from someone and they have bee texting ever since. I know of this girl and she’s not the most faithful in relationships, so it makes me even more skeptical.

Am I just jealous of this girl? Should I confront her? I don’t know what to do.

Dri

Dri,

Thanks for your question.

No you should not confront her. But you should sit down with your boyfriend and have a heart-to-heart with him. You may, or may not be overreacting, but that’s not for him to decide. The two of you need to talk this through.

Clearly she has some kind of interest in him, but still that has nothing to do with you. You have no control over her, and nor should you waste your energy trying to exert control over her. This has more to do with your own relationship. Your boyfriend should be trying to reassure you that all is well, rather than making light of it. (Although, if jealousy is a pattern with you, that’s a different story. We’re assuming no, as we answer your question.)

We believe people in relationships can have friends of the opposite sex, and in fact we encourage it. The world is too interesting a place to restrict yourself to 50% of the population. However there are a few rules that apply, and your boyfriend may be crossing the line.

We’re speaking to all the boyfriends and girlfriends out there:

1. Never put your friend in front of your boyfriend/girlfriend.

2. Doing activities that are typically reserved for your boyfriend/girlfriend are a no, no. (Dinner, Movies) Unless it’s been discussed ahead of time and everyone is on the same page and okay with it.

3. There should never be any type of hidden conversation going on, or other secrets. And constant texting seems a bit much.

4. If your friend is actually hoping a romantic relationship might develop, then it’s time to pull the plug on the friendship, or at discuss the boundaries.

5. You need to reassure your partner that nothing funny is going on.

6. Your friendship has to feel comfortable for everyone involved.

(Of course some partners will be jealous no matter what is going on. If that’s the case, it could be the partner’s issues.)

One last thought: We also wonder what her boyfriend thinks about her texting some other guy constantly, since she is pregnant with their child? She is definitely crossing the line as well. But once again, that’s something she and her boyfriend have to figure out. You should focus on your relationship.

We hope this puts things in perspective for you Dria.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Check out our video: Trust your Gut (Might help)

He moved out: What should I do?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Dear Guys,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years now. We kind of separated a year ago—I mean he moved all his stuff out but continues to stay here. He moved his things to his aunt’s house. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but he doesn’t want to move back. He has changed dramatically. He used to be attentive and affectionate and into me, but now he’s distant and doesn’t want to go out and doesn’t want anyone to know we are still together.

I have given ultimatums but it doesnt affect him. I ignore him by not letting him come over and that still does nothing. He claims there is no one else, which I believe because he’s here all the time and sleeps here every night. (When I allow it.) I love him and wish things could be as they were before. He says he’s confused and needs to get his life together, but is doing nothing to make that happen. He used to do so much for me before and now it’s as if he doesn’t care. I still cook and do things for him and show him affection but I don’t get it in return. Should I let him go or wait until he gets over this phase?

BTW I’m 41 and he’s 29. I was in a long marriage and single for years after that. I have a career and know what I want. He’s never been married but has a son and was in a relationship but he has no career. He basically lives paycheck to paycheck and has a lot of debt. That depresses him.

Josephine

Dear Josephine,

Thanks for your question.

We think he’s feeling a bit inadequate next to you. Let’s face it, you’re a competent 41 year old woman who’s comfortable in her own skin, has a job, owns a house, and has clear goals. He’s a 29 yr. old guy, overwhelmed by his responsibilities, and not sure how to proceed with his life. This is a daunting disparity, and one he’s trying to come to grips with. We also think he might be questioning your age difference in general, even if he doesn’t admit it.

Guys like to feel needed. We are born to be providers. We want to know we have value, and a solid role in our households. Your guy is unclear on what his role is with you. He is pretty much saying he needs to figure things out in order to be with you, or anyone for that matter. Maybe you could give him some encouragement, and try to help him get his life together. We think the relationship, or what’s left of it, is getting in the way of him moving forward. Why not put things on hold for a bit while he does some soul searching and looks for a steady job? You could provide a support via phone, email, since you still love him and want to see him happy, but maybe no more back and forth at your house.

Space is a good thing for most people. It allows people to take stock, set goals, recharge, and crystallize what’s important to them. Right now, you’re kind of separated and you’re kind of not. You need to do one or the other in order to see the situation for what it is, and if you do that, clarity will likely strike for one, or both of you. At which time you’ll be able to better assess what to do.

One of the comments you mentioned bothered us: When you said he doesn’t want anyone knowing you’re still together. What does that mean? We would think you’d want to be with someone who thinks you’re amazing and wants to tell everyone about you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Or subscribe to our You Tube Channel.

My Boyfriend feels like a brother; what should I do?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Hi guys,

I have been together with my boyfriend for six years and I have been feeling for quite some years that my boyfriend is more like a brother to me. I love him so much and I can’t imagine myself not having him in my life anymore, but I don’t love him as a man; I love him as a friend. He is my family and I’m his family but I don’t see him as a man and he doesn’t treat me as a woman. I tried to save the relationship so many times by talking to him about this and even giving him ultimatums, saying I wanted to leave him if he didn’t change etc..

We already had a break for 5 months where we were living under the same roof but we where sleeping in separate rooms. He just doesn’t change anything. He accepts me sleeping in a separate room, everythings seems to be fine for him. In an earlier stage of the relationship, I also discussed about me wanting to have family and get a ring but nothing happened. He says when we will have money we will, but I believe he only uses it as an excuse. I have told him I would be happy to get even the cheapest plastic ring, I just wanted him asking me to marry.

The whole ceremony could wait, even 30 years, but at least I would see if he wanted to commit. Even when we had a six years anniversary, he went to play football with his friends instead of arranging something special with me. His excuse was (as always) the lack of money. But he could have arranged a romantic dinner at home, or given a simple rose to show his affection. I believe that this past events have led me to feel this way about him, especially the sex part. We don’t have sex any more. Before it was a strugle to have the desire for sex. Now it would even feel weird to have sex with him, like having sex with a best friend. I’m turning 30 and he is 34, I think it’s too young to give up on sex and romance.

What’s so confusing is that when I tell him I want to end the relationship he says he loves me and that he wants a future with me. But then it comes to action he doesn’t change even a bit.

Even if I end the relationship, he doesn’t seem to be sad, just a bit hungry for some hours and then he acts like nothing, laughting like nothing happened. Even the fact that we don’t have sex anymore doesn’t bother him. He prefers to not EVER talk about relationship problems.

I get the feeling that he is settling for me though he feels the same brotherly feeling for me, and this is because he seems to think he won’t find somebody attractive. (He has even told me so when we were on a break). That’s another side of the story. He does not feel like a very attractive man, and to tell you the truth, it was not his looks that I fell for in the first place. I’m not a person that sees just the looks. I got in a relationship with him becasue of his inner qualities. On the other hand( not to sound egocentric please) I’m considered very attractive. The sad thing is that I get the feeling that he is still with me because he won’t find any other good looking girl.

What should I do? Am I crazy for feeling this way? Should I break the relationship and try to find love?

Lola

Dear Lola,

Thanks for your question.

The two of you are stuck in a rut. Neither of you want to take the necessary steps to either work on the relationship, or break it off, so you’re in this perpetual state of limbo. However, he seems comfortable with this holding pattern, and you seem bothered by it.

First of all, you’re saying two different things and we’re confused. On the one hand you say you don’t love him as a man, but on the other hand you want him to propose, or at some point you did. That seems confusing to us. You either love him or you don’t. You either want to marry him or you don’t. And what are these ultimatums you’re talking about? Why would you give him an ultimatum if you’re not really sure you love him as a man? This is something you need to sort out Lola. Are you so ready for marriage that you’ll settle for someone you don’t love romantically? Or do you truly love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him? Here are some things to think about.

Don’t downplay friendship when choosing a partner. Some people do marry their friends and are completely happy. But are you one of those people? You mention physical attraction and sex a few times in your note to us. If those pieces of a relationship are important to you—be honest with yourself—you might be frustrated if you stay in your current relationship. If you think you can live without them, maybe you’ll be happy.

It’s also important to ask yourself why he’s with you. Is it because you’re good looking? Or because of other qualities you possess? You seem to think he’s dating you because of your looks only, but then you also say, he sees you only as a friend. Once again you’re saying two different things. Either way the two of you need to have some serious discussions about these issues. And if he’s not willing to talk about the relationship, that’s a red flag in itself. Communication is vital for any healthy relationship.

Finally, it’s odd that the two of you sleep in separate bedrooms. Even if you don’t have sex, being near each other can only bring you closer, and help strengthen emotional connections. What’s going to happen if and when you get married? Will you live in two different houses?

Lola, you have a lot to figure out if you’re going to move forward in this relationship. If it feels like you’re constantly swimming against the current, then maybe it’s time to move on. It does seem like the two of you are moving in different directions. But since you’re such good friends, the two of you should be able to sort this out together.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Or on You Tube.

College Romance: Confused by his intentions

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Hey Guys,

Ok, here is the deal. I have had a crush on this guy for some time now. He doesn’t know, but we are friends and we participate on an athletic team together. I am in college and have never had a serious relationship. I am an extremely nice, open girl. Many people tell me how comfortable I make them feel when we talk. I feel like I am an attractive girl too.

The other night the guy I am crushing on asked what I was doing that night and we ended up watching a movie with another of my girl friends. After the movie, it ended up just him and me talking for about 2-3 hours about things about him and me. He talked about past relationships and what he is looking for in a girl. He also asked about my past relationships and complimented my humor and such. He told me I was a “chill” girl. Surprisingly, that is what he is looking for in a girl.

Why did he tell me all of this? Part of me wanted to say something like, “I kind of like you.” Should I have? What do you think his intentions are? Is he just treating me like a friend or does he see potential in me? I feel like he can be a sort of flirt sometimes and he may not want a girlfriend now.

What do you think?

Bella

Dear Bella,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, he definitely was fishing around to see if he could get any information from you. And of course subtly telling you he’s interested.

Normally we tell people to be open and upfront, but in your case he needs to make his intentions known by asking you out on a proper date, before you let him know how you feel. We realize you’re in college and that a proper date might be meeting at the student center for a cup of coffee, but either way he should be the one making the first move, especially since you say he can be a flirt sometimes. After a few dates if things seem to be progressing in the “right” way, then by all means you should reveal how you feel.

We’re not quite sure what he meant by a “chill” girl. He probably means you’re easy to talk to, and you’re someone who is comfortable in her own skin. Don’t be surprised, and don’t sell yourself short. Guys love an attractive girl, who’s intelligent, and can also hang with the “BOYS.”

Please keep us updated on your situation. Leave us a follow up comment.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Subscribe to our You Tube Channel.

Why did he block and delete me from Facebook?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Guys,

This happened last year but I’m still upset about it. There was this guy I really liked and we had been talking a lot on Facebook and also texting nearly every day for an entire month. He kept asking me out but I couldn’t because his timing was always bad. But each time I apologized for not being able to go. Then I asked him out and he stood me up.

One day he just suddenly stopped talking to me. It lasted for two weeks and then suddenly he sent me a message on Facebook telling me that he recently got involved with somebody else and he was sorry. I said I was okay with it even though I wasn’t and asked him if we could still be friends and he said it was fine. A week after that I posted a message on his wall basically just to say happy Easter. (Nothing creepy, weird or romantic at all.) And that night he blocked and deleted me off Facebook. I’m confused and am trying to figure out why he did that.

This is not the first time a guy has suddenly stopped talking to me. I feel like I’m cursed because it’s happend SO many times

Dear Jo,

Thanks for your question.

Here’s a likely scenario. He told his new girlfriend about you, and she felt threatened. So he appeased her worry by blocking and deleting you from Facebook. (This may have also been satisfying to him as well since you rejected him so many times.)

We’re not sure why his timing was bad, and why you couldn’t go out with him if you really liked him, but hopefully you’ll be more open next time something like this comes up. Is this a pattern with you? Were you playing hard to get? What’s the deal?

Women might hear that men like the chase, but only to a certain point. After a while we lose interest and focus our attention on something that seems more attainable. It sounds like he may have reached that point with you. It might be something to keep in mind as you go forward. If you really like a guy, try making yourself more available. It might surprise you how well that strategy works.

We’re sorry this didn’t work out for you. And no you’re not cursed.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Or subscribe to our You Tube Channel. More videos soon.

Help me understand why my boyfriend is on an online dating site

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Should I break up with my video game playing boyfriend?

Guys,

My boyfriend and I have only been together for a couple of years now and recently I caught him on a horny match online dating sight. I was shocked and hurt, knowing that the both of our previous partners had cheated and we had always told each other that we would never do that. I know that snooping is never a good thing but I went on his email site to find out that he had registered on an online dating site looking for women. I waited a few days before I confronted him. He said he was looking for something on one of the search engines when the online dating site popped up. He said that he was just curious about what it was and that he wanted to look at naked girls. I told him that was considered cheating. He then apologized to me and now he keeps telling me that he loves me and tries to kiss me and hold my hand, but I am hurt beyond belief . I am head over heels for him and I do want to believe and forgive him but I just can’t get over this.

Please help me understand. Please tell me honestly if I should keep this relationship going. Am I over reacting?

Gina

Dear Gina,

Thanks for your question.

You might be overreacting. You might not be. Let’s try and figure this out.

Looking at naked girls isn’t cheating in our minds, but it sure doesn’t help build trust if he does it without your knowledge. Guys are visual creatures, and we like looking at women. And if we’re being completely honest, we definitely fantasize about the women we’re looking at, especially if we’re attracted to them—the naked part helps a lot with this. We’re not saying he should tell you his every move, but we also don’t think you should be completely unaware of his dalliances.

Basic rule: Guys, whether they’re happy in their relationship or not, will look at nude photos—or more—if they can. Try not to take it personally even though it feels hurtful.

However, it’s an entirely different matter if he was on this online dating site, trolling for women to hook up with. That would be considered cheating in our minds, even if nothing ever happened, and certainly would be cause to question the entire relationship. Because if he’s happy with your relationship he absolutely should not be on an online dating site unless of course he’s doing research for an upcoming article he’s writing, which we doubt.

But one question that’s bothering us is: What made you want to snoop in his email inbox in the first place?

If you haven’t already, you need to sit down with him and talk about this. Find out why he did what he did, and have it be part of a general discussion about your relationship: where it is now, where it’s going, what does he want, what do you want? The best way to handle these types of situations is to gather information and then evaluate after everything is out in the open.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment. Join us on Facebook. Join our YouTube Channel.

Should I break up with my video game playing boyfriend?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Dear Guys,

I feel that I am losing feelings for my current boyfriend. There are a couple of issues with our relationship that I have brought up over the past eight months that we do nothing but fight over and get nowhere in the process.

So here is the issue: My boyfriend started playing World of Warcraft eight months ago which took up a lot of his time. I didn’t mind until it started affecting our activity level. He never wants to do anything besides play this game, eat, and watch TV. Of course, I fell into that with him—well, not the video game part. Eventually I wanted to break out of this. I would have to beg, plead and pout to get him to do anything else. Of course it left me feeling completely unsatisfied because he was not happy being out of the house.

I started doing things without him, but I wanted my boyfriend back! He wanted to move across the country, and I decided to move with him even though I felt extremely reluctant and hesitant about making such a big move when I was already not 100% sure about us. He eventually convinced me by saying things would be so different. They were different for the first two weeks, but two months later I am exploring the new area by myself because he is back to his video games. I don’t know anyone in the area, and after several applications for employment, I still haven’t been able to get a job. (Still trying daily though!)

We are also living with one of his buds and they play video games together in separate rooms, and go fishing, and do boy stuff, which is all fine with me, except I’m left by myself. I am trying to rationalize breaking up with him and moving back. I am depressed and unhappy. I wake up miserable every day and not even a shell of the person I used to be a year ago. He keeps telling me I’m going to regret breaking up with him. He says that I should not have any problem with him because he doesn’t go out drinking all the time, doesn’t cheat on me (but he has on all of his past relationships…besides our first month together I’m the first girl he hasn’t cheated on by this point in a relationship), he doesn’t beat me, and he tells me I’m pretty all the time. I congratulate him on being a good person, but surely he is not that naive.

Basically, from a guy’s perspective, is these good reasons for breaking up? Or am I being a tool?

Leslie

Dear Leslie,

Thanks for your question.

So our question to you is: What are you getting out of this relationship?

What strikes us the most are his priorities and where you fall in the mix. Here’s how we see it in descending order.

1. World of War Craft

2. His buddies

3. Other activities and outings.

4. You

In addition, does he really think he should be complimented for not cheating on you, or not beating you? If he thinks those are qualities that make him an attractive boyfriend he’s missing the point. Those are givens and should be assumed with any relationship you are part of. And we’ll be honest, a bunch of us laughed out loud at the absurdity of the statement.

You need to take a hard look at your situation. Don’t sell yourself short and settle for a relationship that doesn’t make you happy. If you are able to get him more invested in your relationship there might be hope, but it may just be the two of you want different things out of life.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Subscribe to our YouTube Channel.

Break up confusion: Why did he do this?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Guys,

I’ve been in an off and on relationship for the last eight years. It’s been more on than off until the last year and a half or so and then our “breaks” have lasted a month or two. Every time we split it seems to be something different, but it’s always the same pattern. I think he’s running away from any problems or conflicts we have instead of staying and communicating about it. He pushes me away and says the most hurtful things when we’re ending, and then always comes back and apologizes and says he never meant them, and just needed space to think about what he really wanted.

This most recent time —about a month ago— was the final straw for me. Everything was going well, and then out of nowhere he told me that he needed time to think about whether he was ready to settle down and commit. I asked him if that’s what it really was or if he was interested in another woman. (This has been a problem in the past.) He assured me that it was just pure confusion. This conversation was the last I heard from him.

This week I found out that he’s been seeing someone new for the last 3-4 weeks and thats she’s pretty much living with him in his newly built house that he’s been promising was “ours” the entire time it was being built. He finished it up, ended things with me, and moved in with this new girl.

So then why include me in all the decisions, and talk about kids and puppies if you were never planning on me being there? Why can’t guys just say what they want? If he didn’t want to be with me, why did he keep dragging me in and out of this? I know I played a part in it because I let it happen, but still, does he not have a conscience? Why just disappear for a month without saying I’m finished, and want to move on? Why do guys start new relationships so quickly, if this is even a relationship? Is she a fling or the real deal?

She’s quite a few years younger and I feel like if he’s not ready to commit she’s the perfect escape because she won’t be expecting that yet, and nobody will be pressuring him to settle down with her now. But I don’t get her living with him except for the convenience of a booty call. I’m crushed over this and he doesn’t even seem to care at all. Is he really that heartless and cruel or is this how all guys handle breakups? It seems so cruel and not human to act like this to someone you supposedly cared about for so long and were telling that you love them up until the end.

I know what I need to do at this point but just wanted some insight into what I feel are extremely confusing incidents and actions on his part.

Thanks,

Sam

Dear Sam,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time right now. No one deserves to be treated the way you were treated, but betrayal happens more than you’d expect. And when a person is betrayed by a loved one the hurt is even deeper.

People observing from the outside usually see it coming–this would include family and friends. And honestly, we’re kind of surprised you didn’t see this whole scenario unfolding. Sure, love is blind, and blinding, but after a tumultuous eight years—one filled with many indiscretions on his part: other women—you had to know it wasn’t going to end well.

Guys are certainly guilty of their share of bad break ups but not all guys are like that. It sounds like your guy was already an established cheater, or at least a meanderer, so it only makes sense that his dishonest, and uncaring streak continued with the break up. If he was pursuing other women during the time you were together, he certainly would have no problem making you promises, only to break them later. And the fact that he says hurtful things to you when you separate each time is also a major red flag and a good indicator he’s not someone you can trust.

You say you know what you need to do, but there’s more to think about than moving beyond this relationship. Going forward you need to think about what kept you in this relationship for so long, and how that thinking impacts your next relationship. Because eight years is a long time to put up with uncertainty, indecision, and lies. You don’t want to fall into the same pattern the next time around.

We have faith that you will grow from this sadness, and be a stronger person for it. Break ups are painful, even when people believe it’s the right decision. Hang in there. And know that this man, and this relationship, was not right for you.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment and let us know how things are going for you. Join us on Facebook. Or You Tube.

Breakup then friends: What’s he thinking?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Hi Guys!

I was in a relationship for four months with this amazing guy. Out of the blue, he breaks up with me. Yet he still talks to me via chat every day. I love talking to him so I don’t mind it…we can still be friends.

But what is he doing? What is he thinking? Is he just not ready for a serious relationship? Explain!

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Thanks for your question.

What’s he doing? He’s having a hard time letting you go, even if he was the one who did the breaking up.

What’s he thinking? He’s thinking, “This girl is so cool. I just wish I was in love with her, but I’m not. This sucks.”

If you truly value him as a friend Melissa, and are able make the transition from girlfriend to platonic relationship, then by all means keep him as a friend. But if you are talking to him, hoping things will change, and hoping he’ll come to his senses and realize you’re the one for him, it’s best you moved on. It’s unlikely he’s going to change his mind.

Is he just not ready for a serious relationship? Well, you don’t mention how old you are so it is possible he’s not ready for a long term relationship based on his age. But it’s also likely he’s just not ready for a long term relationship with you. We’re sorry about that.

Maybe with all this talking you two are doing, you could ask him why he broke up with you in the first place? That might help you make sense of all of this.

And we’re curious what your friends think? Did they like him when the two of you were dating? What are they saying to you? Check out our video on that topic. Visit our Video Page, or go to You Tube.

Good luck Melissa.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Or on You Tube.

He won’t pursue me because his friend likes me: WHY?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Guys,

There’s this guy at my school who I like very much; he said he likes me as well. But his best friend likes me too, and this friend made him promise that he wouldn’t hit on me. Do I still have a chance with the guy I like?

It is very obvious that we like each other because we have pet names for each other. We exchange text messages when we’re not in school and we chat online every single night. The only problem is that we can’t be together because he says there are too many barriers.

This thing annoys me a lot, because his friend is deciding for both of us.

Please I need your help. I really want this to work

Sincerely,
Yang

Dear Yang,

Thanks for your question.

We can see how this would be frustrating for you. In some ways it doesn’t make any sense, and in other ways it makes perfect sense.

Guys have an unwritten code which says, “We shall not hit on any woman our friends are into.” This is something men try to live by because the world has enough conflict as it is.

However, reasonable guys talk about things, especially friends. Your “guy” is trying to be a good friend by not pursuing you, but since you’ve made it clear you’re not interested in his friend, he needs to talk to his buddy and sort this out. If his friend is not cool about it, then your “guy” has two options.

1. He can pursue you regardless of what his friend wants and deal with the backlash. (It’s likely he might lose his friend.) But in our mind, there’s no reason to have a friend that is completely selfish and possessive.

2. He can continue to frustrate both of you by not taking your relationship to the next level.

(One other possibility. He’s using his friend as an excuse because he isn’t interested in a relationship with you. We’re just throwing this out there. You would know better than we would.)

So the question is: What should you do? Or is there anything you can do?

Certainly you can talk to your guy about how you’re feeling, but ultimately it’s up to him to work this all out. If he doesn’t, then it seems clear he’s not willing to risk anything to go out with you.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Subscribe to our YouTube Channel. Join us on Facebook.

Cheating Boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Dear Guys,

Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We work at the same place just different sides of the building. We used to have all the same friends but sadly they were not supportive of us and got weird.

So anyway we started dating. Three months after I moved in his younger brother died. My boyfriend became distant and I understood. Things seemed to progress with time but I guess I always felt something was wrong. We kept separate rooms as I am the first woman he has lived with. He is very reserved and not so great with communication.

The last few months have been really bad. We hardly ever have sex and it was like everything else came first. I picked everything apart trying to find answers. Then he just got even more private and started locking his computer and never left his phone alone. I have never wanted to look at either up until this point. Last Saturday he forgot to lock his phone because he got sick from drinking too much. I went to plug our phones in because they were almost dead and that’s when I saw it was not locked. I had to look. I found emails between him and another woman. It sounded like pics had been exchanged, and they planned to meet up but didn’t.

When I confronted him he first tried to say these were spam messages, but finally admitted to what they were. He said it was over with her and nothing happened outside the emails. He said he couldn’t continue with her because he wanted to work on things with me. But he also said he just couldn’t love me the way he should. I tried to ask him if he wanted to work on things and he couldn’t say yes or no. So I moved out.

He was so crushed the whole time I was getting my stuff out. He kept saying to stay and lay with him, and how much he loved me. I told him he obviously cares more than he thinks, otherwise my leaving wouldn’t hurt this bad. I told him to figure out what he wants and I left. That Monday he decides he was wrong and that it took me leaving for him to see what I meant to him. He got rid of all email addresses and phone numbers from ex-girlfriends. And he now leaves everything unlocked besides his phone because he has to keep it password protected because of work emails. He seems to be trying overall. I have moved back in and things seem better.

How do I know it’s for real? How do I know he won’t cheat and that he really woke up and it’s not just him feeling bad and not wanting to be alone? I don’t want to have to surprise check his emails or phone. I want to trust him. I want things to continue the way they seem to be going since I moved back in.

What do you think?

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Thanks for your question. First of all, our condolences to your boyfriend. We are very sorry for his loss.

Unfortunately this is less about what we think and more about what you think. Sure, people can change, and do change, but we can’t give you a general rule about guys which would then apply to your boyfriend. You’re going to have to make that call based on what you see: his actions, his words, a gut feeling you might have. (Listen to some of our videos on these topics.)

You’re right to question what’s going on. A lot of people don’t like to be alone, so they’ll do anything, or say anything to prevent that from happening. Obviously your boyfriend cares about you, but we can’t guarantee he won’t dip his toe back into the perennial pool of available nymphs, especially since up until recently he had his ex’s email addresses and phone numbers tucked away in his “little black book.”

You can see how important trust is within a relationship. Once trust is breached, even ever so slightly, it’s very difficult to get it back. Both of you have stepped over the boundaries of trust: He cheated. You snooped. We do think what he did is more serious, but both fall in the realm of the unacceptable.

Women in general seem better at forgiving. This could be due to societal pressures, or possibly societal expectations—men are often labeled as potential cheaters based on their biological makeup—so women often feel forced to forgive even if they don’t want to. Of course this varies from individual to individual. Where do you fall in this spectrum Amanda? That would be an important question to ask yourself.

The best advice we can give you is: Keep close tabs on how you feel day-to-day. What is your gut telling you? Do you feel close to your boyfriend in the ways you need to feel? Besides the trust issue, are you getting what you need out of the relationship? Think about why you love him, and why you want to be with him, and then align that with your feelings. Does everything match up?

Have faith in yourself; you’ll figure it out Amanda. We also think you should consult your friends. What do they think? They’ll give you an honest answer, and it will be up to you to listen. (Once again, we have a video on that very topic.)

Good luck, and please keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment. And feel free to ask another question anytime.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. And subscribe to our You Tube Channel.

Relationship Advice: Dating Older Men

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Dear Guys,

I’m 25 and my boyfriend who I have been with for just over a year is 46. We are in a happy, stable relationship and I noticed him some times whisper, I love you. So I was upfront with him and asked him what he meant. He said he isn’t at that stage yet, and when he does say he loves me it will be because he will be devastated if he lost me. I find I am starting to fall in love with him but don’t want to tell him, so should I wait for him to say that L word? I also would like to have a baby; however he already has two girls and doesn’t want one. Should I stay with him? Should I go?

Amber

Dear Amber,

Thanks for your question.

So on the one hand you say he whispers “I love you” and on the other hand you say he isn’t ready to say it. So what’s the deal? Either way his response to your question seems strange. People usually say “I love you” to someone when they have such intense feelings that the words burst right out of them. It sounds like your guy will only say it when he’s about to break up with you.

Let’s focus on something that is clear. Your age difference in itself is not necessarily a problem. (You should listen to our video on Dating Older Men on our video page.) But the problem with such a disparity in age is how it plays out in terms of goals and dreams. You want children. He already has some. You want to get married. He may or may not want to. It’s likely you’re on a different page with every facet of your lives because he’s already experienced many of the things you’re looking forward to.

If you are really serious about this man you need to communicate to him EXACTLY how you’re feeling and what you want out of the relationship—including children. But remember, if he tells you he doesn’t want any more kids after you speak with him again, don’t think you’re going to change his mind. A lot of people stay in relationship thinking, “If this person loves me eventually they will change their mind.” That couldn’t be further from the truth. More typically, resentment builds for both people, and the relationship ends in flames.

We can’t tell you what to do Amber. But we can say, gather as much information as you can and then make a decision. It’s unlikely he’s going to make the hard decision to break up with you because he’s already getting everything he wants. So it will be up to you to figure it all out.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. And subscribe to our You Tube Channel.

Going from ‘friends with benefits’ to a dating relationship

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the Ask the Guys page.)

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Dear Guys,

Story is that I met this guy three years ago and we had two dates. Then I did the regrettable: I had sex with him. Since then I’ve liked him, but we never got to the stage of it becoming a serious relationship. All he would really call me for is sex. I began to get the hint and I cut him off three times; but yet I find myself missing him and going back. I recently went back like a month ago and we had a long talk on how I didn’t want to have the FWB (Friends with Benefits) relationship. I told him I liked him and that’s the only reason I’ve had sex with him.

We have seen each other twice since then and the second time he unhooked my bra. I knew what he wanted to do but I backed away; and before I left I gave him a hug and then I don’t know what I was thinking but I went in for a kiss and he gave a me a weird look. Now I am officially confused as to what the situation is. And the truth is I really want him to be my boyfriend.

Guys please help me out =(

-Ariie

Dear Ariie,

Thanks for your question.

Your situation is more common than you might think. Women and men often think about sex differently. For you sex with this guy is your way of showing him how much you like him. For him, it could be purely physical.

Guys can easily separate the physical from the emotional. Once the “act” is over, we can easily transition into the next thing: What’s for dinner? What’s on TV? That’s not to say guys are incapable of love. We are certainly capable of love, and want it as much as women. But when it’s not there, we can still have sex just as easily.

It is possible to transition from a “Friends with Benefits” situation to an actual relationship, but we think this guy would have pursued you by now if he wanted more than just sex.

Having said that, we still think you should seek the answers you need. Remember: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Tell him how you feel—again. And tell him what you want. It’s good to be specific. Don’t just tell him the only reason you had sex with him is because you like him. Be straightforward and tell him you want to be in a relationship with him. If he says he’s not interested, you’re no worse off than you are now. In fact better, because you’ll be able to move on to pursue a relationship that might have potential for a future.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. And subscribe to our You Tube page.

Older guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question in 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the Ask the Guys page.)

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Dear Guys,

So there’s this guy from Muay Thai class that I like. I met him recently, around 5 months ago, but he is much older than me — I’m 22 and he is 33. We are now having conversations online for at least one hour a night, 70% of which are probably initiated by me, but he seems happy enough talking.

Also for the past two months now, we’ve probably hung out alone together three or four times. We go for casual dinners, watch movies, and play video games till around 3am each time. Even though we’ve been alone he has never initiated any physical contact with me. I have however seen him sneak looks at me while we are watching a movie sometimes. He has never told me what he thought of us and never called us hanging out alone a “date” so I just assumed that to him we are only friends, but is it possible that he could also have feelings for me?

I’m also shy and afraid of saying anything about that to him because it is possible that I am just blinded by my feelings, or misinterpreting things. And saying anything might result in the end of the friendship we currently have. What do you think?

Marina

Dear Marina,

Thanks for your question.

By now, you may have your answer since it took us a few weeks to get to your question. However, we think this is pretty straightforward.

No guy is going to invest that much time with a woman unless he’s interested in her beyond a friendship. However if he truly just wants you as a friend, it’s possible he’s not interested in women in general. (All we’re saying is it’s possible.)

So let’s assume he’s straight and is interested. The age difference isn’t a problem for him. Eleven years in the big picture isn’t a big deal at all, but you are slightly young to embark on a relationship with a guy eleven years your senior. Are you okay with it? Do the two of you seem compatible on many levels? (You should listen to our video on Dating Older Men for more insights.) The fact that he’s probably established in the “adult world” with a job, an apartment, and a routine, means he’s probably in a very different place than you are in your life. It’s likely you’ve just finished college, and are now trying to get established in the world. This gap can often create divisions in a relationship if they’re not talked about frequently. Good communication is vital for a relationship to thrive and endure.

Sometimes the older person in the relationship can be smothering and not allow the younger partner to grow and evolve on their own. Be on the lookout for this, because you will end up being resentful if this occurs. This shouldn’t prevent you from moving forward, it’s just something to be aware of.

Now back to your question. We do think he’s into you. So the question is why hasn’t he made a move on you? Maybe he’s shy? Or maybe he feels a little weird since you are a lot younger than him? He may be attracted to you—that’s why you see him stealing glances—but he’s unsure how he should proceed. He’s doesn’t really know how you’re feeling so he doesn’t want to make a move for fear of being perceived as a pervert, or even worse a predator. If he is feeling this way, this is a good thing, because it means he’s got a solid awareness of his place in the world, and society.

If you want to make it easy on him, drop some hints that you’re interested. You should not be the one who makes the first move, but it’s okay to let him know it’s okay if he does. Of course nothing is guaranteed here Marina, so understand when you attempt to transition a relationship from friendship to romance, things can go either way.

Good luck and keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment and let us know how it goes.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. And subscribe to our You Tube Channel.

The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Episode 40: Being politically correct, a daughter’s triumph, relationships, and more

In this episode:

Katy Perry & Rebecca Black Last Friday Night Video

Segments

Ask the Guys: The Guys put their heads together to help listeners with their questions.

Father Stories: Alex from LA calls to share his daughters triumph.

Stream of Consciousness: Spinning the Big Wheel for random fun.

The Meat: “If you can’t say something nice…” When to hold your tongue and be P.C..

Pop Culture Corner - The party just keeps growing for Rebecca Black as Katy Perry releases the video for her new single “Last Friday Night” which prominently features Rebecca. We talk about why we even care. By the way Sai gives some little known info about one Kenny G too.

Want to win a $25.00 Starbucks Gift Card??? We have a few more places open for our Guy’s Perspective Slow Jam songs contest. We will name the 12 top picks in Episode 41 (2 weeks) For a chance to win call The Guys at 347-855-GUYS or hit our contact page with the subject: Slow Jams and let us know the song or songs that put you in the romantic mood.

The Guy’s Perspective YouTube page is here! What?! Yes, and we already have some great videos up. So check that out and if you would please subscribe and leave us a nice comment while you’re at it. Share us with some friends too.

Questions for Ask the Guys:

Tiera: Help I’m embarrassed of him!

Danielle: Will he come back or is it just a mind game?

Nat: We have strong feelings but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

Sally: What’s his problem?

Father Stories:

Alex from L.A. calls to share his daughter’s victory over training wheels. As a follow up to a story he shared in Ep:23 The Best Gift Ever Alex tells about a gift he received just last week.

Stream of Consciousness: We spin the Big Wheel and come up with random topics for some great conversation… hopefully. This time the words are Rage, Deviation and Bomb and the conversation goes from grandma’s driving to Russian dance club puppetry. Huh? You have to listen.

The Meat: If you can’t say something nice… stories of when to hold your tongue. The great air conditioner – doggy diarrhea debate, the death of Jackass star Ryan Dunn and Roger Ebert’s controversial Tweet. Asking the question “Is it wise to tell your hometown D.B. off?”

Thanks for listening!

[display_podcast]

Dating divorced guy who is still in pain

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. (Remember, it’s not possible for us to answer every question we receive, but we’re trying our best. Please also keep in mind, that your questions, although personal, are meant for public consumption. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the Ask the Guys page.)

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Dear Guys,

I have been seeing a guy who got divorced two years ago. He went through a rough divorce and was betrayed pretty horribly by his ex. They have no kids and have had no contact in nearly the two years since all has been finalized.

Last weekend I stayed at his place for the first time and during that time he started to show me pictures on his computer because he has an online business and wanted me to see his commercials. In the process he came across pictures that set him off. He spent the rest of our time together over the weekend telling me the divorce story over and over. The pain I witnessed was horrible. Not only did I learn more than I wanted to ever know but he made statements about how the future is lost, how he had planned a life that will never happen, that he doesn’t know what was true and what was a lie. He would mention little things they did together. That they had so much fun and it is gone. I felt like I wanted to be supportive and understanding but at the same time I felt like he was dismissing any opportunity that we could ever have—that he is so deep in pain still that perhaps there isn’t room for me or a future. This is all new for me. I have not dated someone divorced before.

I don’t know if I should feel complimented that he trusted me enough to let me in to his darkest thoughts or if I am hurt over his talk of dispair and hopelessness over prospects and a future lost. I’m a patient person and willing to take a risk but I also don’t want to be played a fool. I left exhausted and cried the whole drive home. He didn’t communicate with me today at all. Something we have been good at and consistently have done since our first date, even if only a hello on text.

I need advice on where this guy’s head is at and what I should be doing.

Hang in there or move forward?

Mic

Dear Mic,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly this guy has a lot of healing still to do. And based on how intense his feelings are, it might be quite awhile before he’s able to be truly open to a new relationship.

Obviously he feels very comfortable with you, otherwise he wouldn’t have opened up to you so much. We don’t think he’s playing you or using you, but if you’re willing to listen, he’s going to talk about his divorce. In fact, he’ll talk to anyone willing to listen because his feelings are still very raw. Sure, this is understandable, with all that he’s gone through—and still going through—but do you really want to be his main sounding board? You need to ask yourself that very question, because this is unlikely to abate anytime soon.

If you’re up for the challenge, and you believe you have a very strong connection with this guy, proceed with caution and patience. But understand you will be challenged on many levels if you stay the course. It’s up to you to decide what’s best for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Subscribe to our You Tube Channel.

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he into me?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. (Remember, it’s not possible for us to answer every question we receive, but we try our best. Please also keep in mind, that your questions, although personal, are meant for public consumption. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog, on this page. Ask the Guys.)

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Hey Guys,

Okay, my ex and I dated for one year and he broke up w/me. He said all the arguing, stress, and the fact that he wanted to date other women—since he’s only been w/ one other girl before me—made him lose feelings for me two months before the break up. When we broke up he wanted me to stay w/him as he started to cry. He gave me a big hug before parting ways. He felt really, really badly because I’m the closest person he has in his life.

He said he truly loves me and wants to be there for me but just doesn’t love me in the relationship way. I decided to not speak to him for a couple of days and then came to terms w/how things are going to be and decided to be best friends again. We were very close before dating, but we fell for each other. I’m still in love w/him even though I have no real problem being his friend. We see each other now and then but I have some questions that need to be answered regarding if he still likes me or not.

1. We went out w/friends and he was hitting on a girl in front of me all night, and I was somewhat cool w/it. But when it got too much I told him I have to go. I was sober but he thought it was too dangerous for me to go home alone. He demanded I stayed the night. I left anyway behind his back. That morning he called me 25 times. When I answered he was angry that I didn’t stay and that I had his ipod. I asked him if that’s why he called me 25 times and he said yes. He called just for his ipod and that I was supposed to stay at the apartment. I told him he was a jerk and that we can no longer be friends. We hung up went to bed. An hour later I woke up to 15 missed calls, I called him back, we apologized.

2. He lifted weights in front of me and watched to see if I was checking him out. I’ve been telling him that I don’t want a relationship again just to convince him I’m not trying to be friends to get back w/him. He seemed happy I said that.

3. We sat on his bed to watch “24″ and he laid his head on my lap. I moved away and for the rest of that night he looked sad. Dropping me off at my place, I peaked outside the window and he’s parked outside my house looking a bit sad for 5 mins before driving away.

4. He sort of avoided me the next day, no calls, texts.

5. He texted me good morning the day after. We agreed to hang out. He picked me up, watched “24,” and was more friend friend like. He sits/lays closely next to me on the bed. I felt suspicious.

6.In the car, he tells me why we broke up (again), and that he likes being friends because he treats me right. He tells me I’ll find someone more suited for him.

7. In the car he helps me feel better because I’m conflicted w/school. We hold each other and stuff but more friend like.

8. He comes inside my house. One foot on the door he’s gonna leave but I keep him to talk to him more. He stays w/me and we’re like an inch apart from each other staring into each other’s eyes while talking and giggling for 6 minutes, just mega close to each other. He walks out the house. I kiss him on his forehead. He kisses me on mine.

9. He calls me twice this morning to check up on me. We assure each other once more that we’re just friends.

I’m really confused. I need to know if he likes me or is developing feelings for me. If he wants to just be friends and no feelings then I’ll be his friend, if not when is the proper time to talk about it to work something out? HELP!!

Nia

Dear Nia,

Thanks for your question.

We can see how you’d be confused. The lines between friendship and dating are blurred here. Our first reaction is: Do you think it’s healthy for you to still be hanging out with him? We know you say you’re not trying to get him back, but are you really being honest with yourself? It just seems you’re going through a lot of trouble to figure out what he’s thinking, and what he wants.

And what does he want? He says he wants to date other women. That seems pretty clear to us. Otherwise, why in the world would he break up with you? You sound like a great match for him, and the two of you have a wonderful friendship. He’d be a fool to give that up, unless he really views you as a friend, rather than girlfriend.

We can see some inconsistencies from your list, but here’s a guy rule to keep in mind, that might explain things more.

Rule: Guys don’t want their ex-girlfriends to date anyone else, even if they don’t want to date them anymore.

(Maybe we’ll do a video about this. Have you checked out our Video Page?)

Anyway, this rule could explain why he’s keeping you close. Sure, he values your friendship, but on the other hand he hits on other girls in front of you. Then he says he only wants to be friends, but then he kisses you on the forehead, and does other things that make you wonder what’s going on. This is a game. Sure, he’s conflicted, and part of him feels like a fool for breaking up with you, but he also knows he doesn’t want a relationship with you. So you’re getting mixed signals, and this will continue for a long time. In fact this is likely to continue until one of you starts dating someone else seriously.

So you have to decide whether or not this friendship is working for you. If it’s not, time to move on, as sad as that may be.

As far as your question: We think you should talk to him as soon as you’re ready.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Twitter. And “Friend/Subscribe” to our You Tube Channel. Thanks!

Getting over him still

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Dear Guys,

My ex and I broke up a while ago. I’ve only been in love one other time besides him and that was 7 years ago. We weren’t even together that long to begin with, but I’ve had a very hard time getting over him. Now enter a new boy. He is great. He embodies everything I like in a guy and all the qualities my ex didn’t have. (Note: My ex was never a bad guy the qualities I’m talking about are a sense of adventure and others along those lines.) We have gone on a few really good dates. Last night we had our first kiss and it was surprisingly nice, although it made me a little uncomfortable. Then I went home and proceeded to dream about my ex and woke up crying. What is wrong with me? I mean this is a great guy I have now and I can’t stop thinking about my ex. Am I still not ready to date? If I’m not then what do I do, because I don’t want to lose this great guy I’m seeing. We are a very good match for each other. The more I try not to think about my ex the more I do think about my ex.

What should I do? I’m so confused and upset right now.

Lee

Dear Lee,

Thanks for your question. We can understand your confusion, but what you’re experiencing is fairly typical.

Up until meeting this new guy, your relationship with your ex may have been over, but the vault was not entirely sealed. Enter new guy, and now, if things progress in a positive way, your relationship with your ex will finally be put to rest. The sadness of the finality of your previous relationship is what you’re feeling.

You don’t say why you broke up with your ex. You also don’t mention who broke up with whom. But obviously something wasn’t right because the two of you split up. Don’t all of a sudden put “rose colored glasses” on when looking back on your relationship with him. That doesn’t mean you have to think negatively, but it’s so easy to remember only the good things. This can even get to the point where people say, “Now, why did we break up again?” And those people often try to reunite, only to realize soon enough the reasons they broke up in the first place.

It could be that you’re not ready for a new relationship, but forge ahead and keep tabs on how you feel. The transition is always filled with complex emotions, especially when sex is factored into the equation. Try to enjoy it too. New love is wonderful!

If your feelings for your ex continue, maybe you will need a new dose of “gamma rays” to remind yourself of why you left in the first place.

Good Luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Subscribe to our You Tube Channel.

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Dating Older Men

So you want to date an older man? Okay. But first, let’s not confuse this with dating an old man. If you’re into that sort of thing, you’re on your own.

We think the best way to approach this topic is breaking it down by relative age.

If you’re under the legal age—which means you’re in high school— you should not be dating an older guy…period. Most freshman and sophomore boys are harmless enough because they are paralyzed by breasts, walking around like zombies carrying their books in front of their privates hiding what’s obvious to everyone around them. But junior and senior guys are more savvy. Their confidence is attractive to you, but that’s why you need to stay far away. They are like just born nomadic vampires with hypnotic powers they can’t control. You might think you’re mature enough to handle them but you’re not. These guys, no matter how cool they seem, are interested in you for one thing, and we hope you’re at least old enough to guess what that is.

Once you’re in college, the game changes, but that doesn’t mean you’re still better off with someone at least close to your age. Especially be wary of your professor that seems a bit too hip, a bit too accessible, a bit too in touch with young people. His hair isn’t really a bushy mane of black hair, but a mirage of hair dye and developer. And he wears those tinted glasses to cover the dark circles under his eyes, while also allowing him free reign to scan for the most alluring co-ed he can find. And that flashy sports car? It’s nice, but he has little money left over to spend on you. Our suggestion: Best to stick with the geeky science major in the adjacent dorm.

Once you’re out of college and comfortably ensconced in your twenties, dating an older guy might not be a bad thing. Guys take a while to mature, and they lag considerably behind women in emotional maturity by five, maybe ten years. So feel free to trade up. But be careful once again. If he’s more than ten years older than you, he’s likely not looking for “The One.” More like Some One. Or anyone.

Once you’re in your thirties and beyond, it’s all good. Older guys will likely appreciate you for some of your more refined qualities. Your ability to have an intelligent conversation will be just as sexy as a low cut blouse, and it will be refreshing to you to actually have someone look you in the eyes while you’re talking.

If you’ve recently retired and are in your golden years, ignore what we said earlier. It’s likely there won’t be very many older guys around, since most of them will have met their great maker, now sitting around a heavenly poker table playing cards for eternity. In that case an old guy will do just fine. However, you might be surprised if you realign your thinking. You might want to consider a younger man, since he’ll be attracted to your sophistication, and knowledge of the finer things in life. And of course it’s easier than you might think, because afterwards he’ll then be able to brag to his friends about the experience, which is half the reason guys do half of the things they do.

Until next time. This is The Guy’s Perspective.

Please subscribe to our You Tube Channel.

My boyfriend used to date one of my friends

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Dear Guys,

Okay, so I’m dating this guy who is like perfect for me. Well I found out that he and one of my friends used to “talk.” And well I’m not so much worried about how she feels about it because she has a new boyfriend, who she is like in love with. But well I know they used to talk, but he doesn’t know that I know. And well I feel weird dating him when he and my friend had a “thing.”

So what do I do? I want to stay with him because I really like him, but I just can’t shake this out of my mind….

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

You have no control over what happened before you arrived on the scene. But believe us when we say, we understand your concern. We don’t particularly relish the thought of dating each other’s past girlfriends. Guys especially have a hard time with this. But as we say to one another: Get over it! And that’s exactly what you need to do.

If you really like this guy you need to make a choice. Do you want to live your life controlled by your pride, or do you want to be open to possibility? You can’t have both.

THE GUYS

ps. Please spread the word and let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook and YouTube.

This guy said I look swell

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Getting Played: Trust your Gut

Getting Played: Listen to your friends

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions: