My boyfriend wants me to kiss a girl

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Should I start an affair?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

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Some recent questions:

What does he really want?

Dear Guys,

I answered a casual encounters ad on Craigslist. No sex. He just wanted to play with my breasts. I thought it would be something like making out, maybe foreplay without the sex; and initially it was. We had our first meeting in public—no breast activity at all. I liked him, so we kept in touch through text messages mostly and a few phone calls. We made plans to see each other on a more regular basis. After a few meetings he suggested that we try something new—extended breast play. I asked, “Don’t we do that already?” So he further explained it as suckling. I asked if it was like breastfeeding, and he said that it was simulating it. I asked if what he really wanted was a pregnant and/or nursing woman. He said no. I asked if he had ever done it before and he said no. He gave me the impression that this was a new experience for us both. So I tried it, and I liked it. It was a lot more intimate than anything we had done prior. Afterwards, I was curious about what we tried so I started googling it. I started with adult breastfeeding, which lead to erotic lactation, and that lead to adult nursing relationships (ANRs).

Anyway, at first I was upset when I found at all of this information. I thought this was something new to both of us but apparently it wasn’t. But after some thought I could see why he wasn’t completely upfront about what he wanted. However, I let my anxiety take over, and instead of waiting patiently to speak with him, I flooded him with texts, and emails and voice mail messages for three days. I didn’t yell or accuse, like I said, I understand why he was less than honest, and I wanted to explore this with him.

Anyway, we never spoke about what I discovered. He said if this was going to work I needed to apply the breaks, heavily. Then he asked me for space. I gave him one week.

He stopped answering my phone calls, emails, and text messages. I became clingy and needy. Eventually I resorted to dropping by his house unannounced. The first time it freaked him out but it ended in a heavy makeout session. The second time he yelled at me in his hallway and sent me away. He was hurtful. I, in turn, sent him a nasty email. We haven’t spoken in a week and a half. I really messed this up. He won’t talk to me, and he has already started looking for someone else. I know he is back to answering (ANR) ads.

I can’t let this go. I feel as though he tossed me aside like a defective blow up doll. Should I apologize? Will he ever be receptive to me again, or should I stay away? Is it possible for things to just go back to being casual, stress free, and fun or will he think I’m crazy forever?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your question.

The issue here is one of expectation. When you answer a “Casual Encounters Ad” on Craigslist, it implies just that: a casual encounter. Nothing more. Nothing less. Your reaction—although in our minds warranted—took the arrangement from casual to serious, which is not something he was looking for. His own internal and external exploration helped him realize he has a fetish for this sort of thing. (ANR) So, he is now looking for like-minded people who have reached this same realization.

We think it’s unlikely your relationship can go back to being just casual and fun. In general, it’s possible to take a relationship from casual to serious, but difficult to go from serious to casual. But we can’t blame you for wanting to understand more about “extended breast play” and then seeking answers from him. It’s too bad he wasn’t able to be honest with you from the get go. But maybe honesty is too much to ask when you answer this type of ad?

The one place we do think you crossed the line is showing up at his house unannounced, especially when you were really angry. Going forward, please try to suppress these impulses unless you want to be labeled as: crazy, loco, psycho, nuts, or creepy.

We’re sorry you feel discarded. But unfortunately we don’t think he’s open to you anymore. But we also don’t think you could have done much differently. Sure you might have acted a bit “needy” but who could blame you? And really, is this the kind of guy you want to be in a relationship with? We doubt it. Not because of his alternative interests, but because of his dishonesty, and unwillingness to explore with you and help you understand. Sharing fetishes and fantasies with a partner can help spice things up and even bring people closer together. But this guy is not looking for one woman he can share his fantasies with but rather as many willing “Milk Maids” as he can find.

We hope this helps. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us any follow up questions. Leave all comments/questions in this comments section here and we’ll respond here as well.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

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My guy is an alcoholic; I just want him to realize what he’s lost

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Some recent questions:

What does he really want?

Dear Guys,

I was with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years. He cheated on me in the past with a girl who is nothing but wrong for him; she has a bad reputation as a known alcohol and drug user. He had a year long affair with her and she influenced him into drinking heavily. When I found out he cheated I left and disappeared from his life for about six months without any arguments and questions. I just accepted that it wasn’t me he wanted so I left him to be happy with her.

After about six months his family members came to me in desperate need, saying he was finding it hard to cope with life without me and therefore turning to alcohol as a barrier to block out the pain. I also witnessed this myself as I couldn’t just take their word for it. At that point in time I really thought he had realized what he lost and really did regret cheating. After convincing me that he was no longer in touch with the other woman I gave him another chance.

He was open and honest with me for a little while when the other woman would try to get in contact with him. He changed his phone number many times but she still got a hold of him. She would post him a letter or sit outside his house. As he was honest about her I believed he wouldnt risk losing me again. But just a few days ago I found out that he was still in contact with her and talks to her all night on the phone. I’m now back at the same stage I was when he first cheated. I don’t understand where I went wrong? Over the 7 years I did so much for him. His family absolutely adores me. When I confronted him about cheating again, he completely lost the plot and told me I was being crazy and paranoid and that I should go and kill myself. He also said that he doesn’t want me in his life and he wished I would just get lost. So once again I decided to leave.

But my question to you today is, if it was her he wanted why did he send his family to come find me? Will he ever realize and cry for me the way I cried for him?

Dear Jo,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you are going through such a rough time.

Your guy has no idea what he wants or who he wants to be with because he’s using drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with life. This doesn’t make him a bad person, but he is ill and needs to get help in order to reclaim himself and get his life back in order.

He is not making a choice between you or this other woman, he’s making a choice between two different lifestyles. This other woman is part of the lifestyle where he uses drugs, and you’re part of his clean living lifestyle. At this point in time he’s not capable of choosing you. It might feel like he’s choosing her, but in reality it’s the chemicals running through his bloodstream that are doing most of the talking.

Why would his family come to you? Because they want to see him healthy and happy, and probably when he’s able to think straight he tells them how much he cares for you. They know you are a good person and are a positive force in his life. However, you aren’t the savior here. Certainly you can support this man if you choose to do so. (Emotionally we mean.) But at this point he’s just going to drag you down with the ship if you choose to be in a relationship with him.

We think you did the right thing by leaving. You have to protect yourself. If he’s cheating on you with this other woman this could be a physical risk for you, but the emotional toll of being with him is even more detrimental to your well being. Will he ever realize what he lost and cry for you? Possibly, but only when he’s sober and seeing the world through a new lens—the kind that isn’t tainted with chemicals. This could take some time, and also may never happen.

Jo, you need to try and move on. You need to surround yourself with people who are healthy and positive, and who support you. Focus on the things you love. Your ex is going to have to figure this out on his own, and/or with the support of his family.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Magic of the holidays

“Magic of the holidays” by Saelen Ghose

Originally published in: The Cleveland Plain Dealer and The MetroWest Daily

Magic is the art of lost and found. It’s the craft of manipulation where matter disappears and then reappears right before our very eyes. Magic has been around forever, and it never ceases to amaze and delight us, but sadly it’s missing in our everyday lives.

Recently my daughter said, “Daddy, is Mickey real?” She was referring to none other than Mickey Mouse, fueled from a recent trip to Disney World thanks to the generosity of my in-laws.

I said, “What do you think?”

“Well, my friend at school said Mickey’s not real. But I think he is because he has a tongue.”

I almost laughed out loud, but instead I said, “What do you mean?”

“Donald and Goofy don’t have tongues. How can they possibly eat without tongues? But Mickey has a tongue, so he can eat. He must be real. And anyway, he’s magical.”

I smiled at what I thought was pretty solid reasoning for a six-year old.

With Christmas fast approaching my kids have been discussing Santa Claus in some detail. They are getting to the age where logic is starting to impose its will on the magical world of reindeer, sleighs, and the North Pole, and in turn, I’m getting peppered with questions I’m ill prepared to answer.

“Dad, how does Santa deliver presents to every house in the world, all in one night?

“Dad, wouldn’t the sleigh be too heavy for the reindeer to carry all those presents?”

“Dad, how big is Santa’s bag? It must be bigger than our house?”

And then the worst of all, “Dad, do you believe in Santa?”

At this point I’m still able to parry, feint, and disengage, because why in the world would I want to answer any of these questions? Why would I want to take all the fun out of a very special time of year? This approach goes against my usual parental instincts. Typically when my kids ask me questions I try to give detailed answers, exploring every nuance so they can really understand the subtleties of whatever concept or topic they’re trying to understand. But for Santa questions, and any other magic related questions, including the tooth fairy and other cartoon characters, I use what therapists call a redirect. I say, “Hmm. I don’t know. What do you think?”

Magic is far more involved than pulling rabbits out of a hat and making coins appear from behind an unsuspecting ear. Magic is much bigger than some guy wearing a wrinkled tuxedo and a black top hat, providing entertainment during birthday parties, or business holiday outings. Magic is directly or indirectly involved in everything we can’t explain about our world. Magic is the mystery that makes life so interesting, and keeps us guessing even as we discover more and more about the ins and outs of the universe.

The concept of magic lives large in kids, but for most grown-ups it’s considered part of a world we left long ago to pursue more serious endeavors like careers and families. As we get older it gets harder to believe in things we can’t touch or see, even if we understand they exist—like the tiny microscopic particles that are in front of our very eyes every day. Sure many grown-ups have spiritual and religious faith, but do we really believe in things we can’t imagine? Do we ever really suspend belief and not try and come up with a logical explanation for life’s events? Do we ever consider that magic might be at work, connecting the dots and making it all work out the way it’s supposed to? Is the world really just coincidental?

Everyone says the holidays are all about family coming together, and for the most part that’s accurate. But I think what makes the holidays extra special is the magic that surrounds it, breathes life into it, and makes it come alive. Viewing this through the lens of my children is special and fun, but I’d like to get to a place where I believe it all again too, because a world filled with Mickey, Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and any other fantastical creature, is a world that’s a lot more enjoyable than the mundane one I function in.

As a parent with many responsibilities it’s hard to suspend belief for too long, otherwise my kids will go hungry, the bills will go unpaid, and the car will run out of gas. I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to keep some semblance of order in my chaotic life as a dad, and often wonder if I was put on this planet solely to cook, clean, and grocery shop.

What I really need to do is sit back and listen, because it’s those funny and interesting conversations with my kids that remind me that the world is so much bigger and more wondrous than I can even remember. And if I want to recreate this magical world for myself, I need to allow myself a few moments to wonder, and imagine the possibilities, and maybe, just maybe, allow myself to feel the magic once again.

Please share your insights into this topic here in the comments section. How do you answer these difficult questions? Do your kids still believe? Do you believe in magic?

Read more of Saelen’s stories of fatherhood and parenting here at The Guy’s Perspective.

Contact Saelen for help with your memoirs. sghose@theguysperspective.com

I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth

Dear Readers,

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Some recent questions:

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Why did we really break up?

Hey Guys,

I’ve been a habitual cheater since my first relationship two years ago. At the end of my last relationship—long distance— I went to parties and started hooking up with random guys. I felt terrible about it and admitted it to my boyfriend and it crushed him. I lost his trust and although he wanted to forgive me and keep going, I felt that our relationship would never be the same. So I ended it.

Not a single day goes by where I don’t think about him and what I did to him. The guilt never seems to fade.

The thing is, now I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a new guy for about 3 months now and I’ve also cheated on him. We jumped into the relationship about two weeks after we met at a party and I felt confident that I wouldn’t cheat on him because I felt so strongly about him. Yet I did. But that was about a month and half ago and I never told him about it and haven’t done it again because when I was in the moment of cheating I had an epiphany that I love my boyfriend and I don’t want anyone else. We’re so compatible and he tells me he loves me and that I’m the one. He is also the one for me. But when I talk to him, sometimes the guilt creeps up again and I have a conflicted urge to just tell him.

He says nothing I say or do could make him fall out of love with me, but this would break his heart and I’d lose his trust being so far away.

I’m afraid this feeling will always be lingering in the back of my mind. I plan on staying with him for a very long time. Should I tell him or keep it a secret?

Thank you in advance.

Meghan

Dear Meghan,

Thanks for your question.

Have you ever read the book, “Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky? Somehow your conundrum, and your feelings of guilt, remind us of the internal struggle of Raskolnikov, the main character in the book. No, you haven’t actually committed a crime, but clearly you have feelings of remorse for cheating that you’re trying to come to terms with.

Here is the true dilemma: If you stay with your new boyfriend and actually remain faithful from here on out, can you live with the knowledge that you were once unfaithful to him, even if he never finds out?

In a perfect world there would be no secrets between lovers, partners, and spouses. We’d all be open minded and accepting of each other’s imperfections and mistakes. We’d love each other just as we love our kids: unconditionally.

But alas, there is no perfect world, and our love typically bears the weight of many conditions—loyalty is one of them. You’re right when you suspect your boyfriend would no longer trust you if you told him of your indiscretions. Once trust is lost in a relationship it’s very difficult to get back. And it takes strength and courage from the person who was cheated on to forgive and try to move on. (Of course, remember that your last boyfriend seemed willing to give you a second chance after you told him you cheated on him.)

What we’re wondering is why? Why Meghan are you feeling the need to cheat? This question seems even more important than whether or not to tell your boyfriend you cheated. What is going on internally for you that you’re seeking attention and validation from other men? We’re not therapists. We’re not doctors. But we do think that question might be worth exploring with a professional. Because once you get to the root of the problem you might get clarity on your basic question: Should I tell my boyfriend I cheated?

Unfortunately Meghan there isn’t one right answer here. Everyone is different. Some guys would say they would want to know if they were cheated on by their girlfriend. Other guys would say that as long as their girlfriend is no longer cheating they would rather not know.

Our advice: Take a harder look at why you’re behaving the way you’re behaving. We just get this sense from you that you’re uncertain about whether or not you can stop this behavior. And maybe your uncertainty is what’s causing you to feel so guilty about this. Maybe if you trusted yourself and knew that it would never happen again you could move forward in this relationship and chalk up your cheating up to a really bad mistake that you’ll never repeat.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section, and we’ll reply to you here as well.

Good luck. We’re pulling for you no matter what you decide to do.

THE GUYS

ps. We’d love to hear from some of our readers as well. What are your opinions? Meghan would probably appreciate more viewpoints on this.

Why did we really break up?

Dear Readers,

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Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

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Some recent questions:

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Guys,

I started dating a guy that was on the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend of two years. He finally broke it off. It was strictly his choice and I asked him not to do it on my behalf. We dated for about 5 months after that and had plans to move in together & eventually move out of state together. Until one day he just told me he wasn’t sure if this was what he wanted. He said he needed to change/find himself & couldn’t do that while in a relationship. In that same breath he stated that the way we hooked up was all wrong.

He still has feelings for his ex but not enough to be with her. His ex is doing well financially. He lost his car and other things after their breakup which leads me to believe that he’s tired of struggling and might benefit more from being with her, even though he said their relationship was beyond repair. I even encouraged him to try to work it out with her before it ended.

He is a very attractive man and gets lots of attention from women. I believe he does not trust himself to be faithful and he does not want to hurt me because he cares about me. I am so confused and have so many unanswered questions as to why he really broke up with me. I blame myself for some of it because I don’t think I satisfied him fully sexually because of my own insecurities. My heart is so sad because I had so much hope for the relationship and he’s a wonderful guy that seems to be fighting some sort of demons.

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so sad about this.

We see this as a timing issue more than anything else. Even though you were generous with your support for him and said all the “right” things to him, he was still coming out of a long and serious relationship. Jumping into a new relationship right away is never a good idea. Regardless of what he said, he needed much more time to process and heal. (So we can see why he still has feelings for his ex. This is totally natural and will continue for some time.)

You seem to be a very caring person who wants to do the right thing. But you’re also too hard on yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Yes, it’s sad, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It’s more than likely he’s still in comparison mode, which means his breakup is too fresh for anyone new to stand up to the test.

Also, sometimes the sex IS amazing when you are with someone new. But sometimes it takes time to for people to get to know one another before the sex gets to that “blow your mind” place. Different people have different timelines for how and when they want to open up. The best sex is sex that is open and uninhibited, where both partners are willing to give themselves over, and do what they can to satisfy their partner. (Both have to feel safe and comfortable of course.) It seems natural to us that you wouldn’t feel completely comfortable giving yourself over to this guy if you weren’t really sure where he stood with you and the relationship. That’s asking a lot of yourself. It’s hard to give when you’re feeling uncertain and vulnerable.

Kelli, try to process what you learned from this relationship and then try to apply the new insights as you move forward into new relationships. And be kind to yourself. You’ll know when you meet the right person because he’ll be someone you can be yourself with. This guy was not him.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Dating my ex’s friend: Friends with benefits

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

Are we “friends with benefits” or does he want something more?

Booty call or relationship trouble

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

This is kind of a long story but I really need some guys’ opinions on this. Most women can rate their friends in their life and this boy is my 2nd best friend in the world. I would do anything for him. We knew of each other because of mutual affiliations but didn’t become friends until I started dating his friend. During the time I dated his ex we became close friends. But after being with my ex for 4 years—with all of us being part of the same circle—the break up kinda made things weird between the whole group.

Now for the hard part. This guy and I have always been very attracted to each other and are super comfortable and trusting of each other. A couple of months after my break up the sexual tension between us became overwhelming and things started happening. We would both try to stay away from each other but we attend the same university and see each other every day so that was really hard to do. I feel horrible because I don’t want to get between him and his friend (my ex) and he feels guilty about it. But whenever we see each other it’s really hard to keep things platonic. And as if that wasn’t bad enough I’m scared that these feelings are going to morph into romantic ones especially when he has started saying and doing some really sweet things. (And I really like him) And even though these thoughts don’t occur often, every so often they will pop up. He has expressed that he wants me not just because of my body but because it’s me. Things have been normal between us despite all sexual relations and none of our other friends have noticed anything yet. He is too important of a friend for me to lose. I want to stop because I don’t want to cause problems between our groups of friends but I do not want to stop at the same time.

I hate drama but “OMG” I love how this boy makes me feels and it’s getting harder to control this. And I’m also curious about how he feels about me, but I’m way too scared to ask. I don’t know what to do.

Please any kind of advice will help.

Flora

Dear Flora,

Thanks for your question.

You’d be surprised; this type of situation happens more than you might think. And it makes sense in some ways. When people spend a lot of time together intimacy happens. This intimacy can be the friend variety, it can be the romantic variety, or it can be something in between. While you were dating your ex you were also getting to know this guy and forming a strong bond with him. You can’t help it that he happened to be good looking too. So what we’re saying is, you should stop beating yourself up over this. Sure you might feel guilty, but this makes perfect sense, and we see nothing wrong in you wanting a relationship with your ex’s friend now that the two of you have broken up.

However, we’re not so sure if it makes perfect sense for your “friend.” He stands to lose more than you if the two of you are “found out.” (And we’re not so sure your friends and his friends don’t already suspect something’s going on between you. People can smell that kind of thing a mile away. No, we’re not being literal here, but we are being serious.) He will likely lose his friend (your ex) if the two of you continue to move forward. There’s a kind of an unwritten code between guys which states: Guys don’t date their best friend’s ex-girlfriends. And most of the time this isn’t difficult to abide by because most guys don’t like the idea of dating a woman their best friend has had sex with. However, like we said before, it happens more than people might think. So basically your “friend” has some serious thinking to do. He is going to have to make a choice between you or his friend (your ex), unless your ex is one of those super understanding guys. We don’t know any ourselves. (Side note: Sometimes after a very long period of time it’s okay to date a friend’s ex. This would be years though.)

Back to you.

If you are really into this guy we don’t see anything wrong with seeing where it goes. Because if you don’t, you’re always going to wonder what would or could have happened. And there’s nothing worse than regret in this life. We’re not guaranteeing it’s going to work out for you, and we’re not guaranteeing it’s not going to get messy or even ugly. But on the flipside if it does work out into a long term romantic partnership—that sounds so formal, but you know what we mean—then it will all be worth it. If it doesn’t work out, you can at least feel good that you took a chance on love.

But this all comes down to communication. You need to tell your “friend” how you feel and what you want. He’s not a mind reader. And based on what you say he very well might feel the same way about you. See what his reaction is and see what his take on the situation is. If the two of you decide to move forward with a more serious commitment you might want to think about calling your ex, or meeting with him, and explaining the new situation. (Yes, this will be hard and not necessarily pretty, but at least he’ll hear it from your mouth.) Your friend might want to do the same, although we wouldn’t want to be present for that. (Just kidding…kind of.) In general we think it’s best to be open and honest with the people in your life.

But what you shouldn’t do is continue what you’re doing now. If you’re not going to be serious about this relationship you should stop the “friends with benefits” thing immediately. In the end that’s not going to be good for anyone involved, especially you.

Good luck. Feel free to leave us a follow up comment, or ask us a follow up question. (In the comments section here)

THE GUYS

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Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

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Is my boyfriend a cheater?

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We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

Dear Guys,

I have a nagging gut feeling that my boyfriend cheated on me in the past and has not come clean. We’ve been together for 1.5 years and we live together. Throughout our relationship, my boyfriend has had several moments where he questioned my commitment to him. (Really, it was more like he would stonewall me until I asked what’s wrong about 100 times and then say something to the effect of “I know you cheated I wish you would just admit it!”) I have NEVER cheated on my boyfriend. Not even come close. Yet, it seems that we can’t go an entire month without him having some question about my trustworthiness. And, if it’s not about trustworthiness, it’s about something I did that happened over a year ago that I have long since apologized for. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter how many times I apologize for something, it always comes back later and I feel like it’s pointless to argue with him because the same issues always resurface later.

Recently, my boyfriend told me that during the first month of our relationship, he cheated on me because he thought that I was cheating on HIM. I asked him some clarification questions (i.e., were we living together, when did this happen, etc.) and he got very vague and non-responsive. I was beside myself with hurt, anger, and frustration. After about 3 minutes of us sitting there, he said he was only joking. It didn’t feel like a joke, and I definitely wasn’t laughing, and neither was he. I explained to him my hurt over this “joke” and that I did not find it funny, and he apologized. This is not the first time this has happened. A while back, when he was questioning me AGAIN about my fidelity, he said something to the effect of, “I just want to know if you were with someone else when we started dating, because I was.” Again, when I started having my feelings about it, he took it back and said “I was only JOKING! God, you’re so serious!”

I don’t know how to proceed. My gut tells me something is very wrong, yet I feel powerless to even discuss this with him, as he will deny it no matter what because I have no other evidence than my uneasy gut. I can understand someone making a joke in bad taste, but for him to say that he cheated on me in a manner that seems very serious to me and then say he’s joking without even laughing, I can’t help but feel like he was being honest with me the first time around.

Should I kick him out?

Thanks,

Confused and Anxious

Dear Confused and Anxious,

Thanks for your question.

You have some serious trust issues going on in your relationship—from both sides. You allude to some incident that happened with you, but you don’t clarify. We assume the incident was serious enough—even though it might not have been “cheating”—for him to question your trustworthiness. And as you know, once trust is in question, it becomes very difficult to be in a relationship, because without trust there is no relationship.

We have no idea whether or not he cheated on you. But we do always say, “Trust your Gut.” (Watch our video on this topic.) You would know better than we do about whether he’s dabbling beyond the four walls of your apartment. However, we can say that sometimes a person will cheat if they think their partner is cheating. They say to themselves, “I might as well beat them to the punch. I’ll hurt them if they’re going to hurt me.” It’s up to you to figure out whether or not he was joking. (We agree. This is in bad taste. Not the best way to conduct yourself in a loving, committed relationship.) But some people never get over being hurt. It could be that he wants to trust you, but something in his gut tells him not to as well.

So our suggestion: Both of you need to totally come clean in order for this to work. You two need to start over. Rewind. Forgive, if there’s something to be forgiven about. And move on. If you can’t do this, then it’s time to truly move on from each other.

How do you do this?

Start talking. And if you can’t figure out how to do that, then go see a professional. (Couples counselor) But it all starts with honest and open communication. Otherwise, this back and forth—you did this, you did that—negativity will continue in perpetuity.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks.

Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No boundaries)

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

He asks ME to call HIM

Dear Guys,

I was dating a man for over a year. He is very active in his teenage son’s life, which I think is wonderful. My problem was his relationship with his ex-wife. She wanted to car pool, have him watch her dog, etc. She always called asking him for favors when he was supposed to be going out with me.

I always came last. He gave me flowers once, but then told me what his ex-wife said when he gave her the same ones. He seems to not care about my feelings. We broke up when I tried to talk to him about how I felt.

Should I have no say in my own relationship? He should put his son ahead of me, but the ex and the dog???

Thanks,

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for your question.

We can see why you were so frustrated being with this man and why you ultimately broke up with him.

The dating world is vastly more complex than it used to be. When you factor in ex-spouses, kids from previous marriages, and joint ownership of material things—houses, cars, boats, even dogs—relationships get to be very difficult to navigate.

When people have kids from a previous relationship it is their duty to figure out the best way to care for the kids, even if they have irreconcilable differences themselves. This often means being in frequent contact and sometimes even doing things as a “family.” (We realize this might sound odd, but maintaining an amicable relationship with an ex is a key ingredient to raising emotionally healthy children.) And there is no correct formula for doing this.

However, your guy is overdoing it. The two of them are still emotionally dependent on each other. Their contact should be limited to raising their kids together not helping with chores or other such things that couples do for each other.

We think you have a pretty healthy perspective on the situation, and understand that yes, you do come second behind his child, at least until the boy is old enough to be on his own. (And maybe even then too.) But your guy should still make your relationship a priority and show you how much he cares for you, and how much he values the relationship. It sounds to us like your guy is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone yet. Well, besides his ex.

We hope this helps give you some perspective. And yes, you should have a say in your own relationship.

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment. And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. Thanks.

He asks ME to call HIM

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

Hi Guys!

Thanks a lot for reading my message.

I met this good looking guy at a party before summer vacation. He asked for my number and my email before we said bye. Then he asked if I would call him. This question confused me, but I said yes. He never called me or anything.

One month later I sent him a friendly text message. He never replied. So, I didn’t do anything more. I saw him the first week of classes after the summer. I just said hi in a friendly way. Two days later I received an email. I replied 4 days later, but he never replied back. Then I saw him on a party a week ago. I said hi and we started talking. In less than 10 minutes, he asked if he could visit my lab at school. Also, he made plans to go the library with me, but again he asked me to call him or send him a message. Very directly, I told him, “I’m not going to do it because you don’t reply.” He said, fine he would call. Of course he never called or replied.

My instinct tells me to forget him. He seems not as interested as he appears to be when he sees me. I just need a confirmation please. Also, before I forget, a friend who knows him told me that he is shy, but I can’t believe this, because he starts hitting on me in less than 10 min. of the conversation.

Is he a pathological player or what?

Thanks again guys,

Winterflake

Dear Winterflake,

Thanks for you question.

Your instincts are right. This guy is a waste of time and energy. He might be attracted to you, but he’s not interested enough to do much about it. (And forget the whole shy angle. He’s not shy. He’s used to women coming after him.)

And let’s just say for some reason the two of you actually started dating. Can you imagine the frustration in dealing with someone who doesn’t communicate well? This guy doesn’t follow through, he doesn’t keep his word, and he’s complacent and apathetic.

We say, move on.

And oh, here’s a good general rule: Guys should be the ones pursuing AND calling.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz.

Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Hey Guys,

I’m a sophomore and I really like this senior guy too. He asked me to Homecoming, and he’s always texting me. He came over to dinner and even met my embarrassing parents. (I’m still surprised he’s semi-interested in me after meeting them). I sat next to him on a bus ride to one of our sports’ meets, and I listened to his music and he even let me lean on his shoulder to fall asleep. He said I’m nice, pretty, and beautiful, but it seems like I’m annoying him sometimes when we text. It seems like he doesn’t really want to talk to me very much. What do I do???

Mia

Dear Mia,

Thanks for your question. So have you already gone to the Homecoming Dance? It’s been close to a month since you wrote to us. If you have, you probably already have a lot more information about the situation.

To us it seems clear he’s into you. He wouldn’t have asked you to Homecoming if he wasn’t. But the question is more about, “HOW” he’s into you, or WHY? Meaning, does he like you because you are beautiful on the outside, or does he really want to get to know you as a person?

On the positive side, he passed the “parent test.” He was able to tolerate your parents, even if they were embarrassing you. (Isn’t that what parents are supposed to do??) What did your parents think of him?

On the flip side, the fact that he gets annoyed by your texting makes us wonder what his intentions are. Here’s a little excerpt from one our videos: Dating an older guy (Keep in mind that this is tongue and cheek, but there’s truth to it.)

Quote:

If you’re under the legal age—which means you’re in high school— you should not be dating an older guy…period. Most freshman and sophomore boys are harmless enough because they are paralyzed by breasts, walking around like zombies carrying their books in front of their privates hiding what’s obvious to everyone around them. But junior and senior guys are more savvy. Their confidence is attractive to you, but that’s why you need to stay far away. They are like just born nomadic vampires with hypnotic powers they can’t control. You might think you’re mature enough to handle them but you’re not. These guys, no matter how cool they seem, are interested in you for one thing, and we hope you’re at least old enough to guess what that is.

End Quote

You see our point Mia. We’re not saying all senior guys are like this, but this is certainly something to consider. But rest assured, he’s definitely attracted to you.

Good luck and feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And please consider a small donation to THE GUY’S PERSPECTIVE. (See PayPal button on right side of every page of our site. It does take considerable time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.)

What is going on in my marriage? I am confused and tormented

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Dear Guys,

I married my husband about 18 months ago. We had only been together for 6 months when he proposed – he tells me he was “so in love with me” and he was the first man I dated after a 12 year marriage. Two months after we got engaged, I got pregnant. We still got married and had our daughter. Unfortunately, the month before our daughter was born his “friends” started being rude etc (calling me out on public social networks) because he had a fight with them. I apparently was the cause. When our daughter was born he went to the “friends” begging for their forgiveness – I felt betrayed that he would do that to me. I told him this and he said that I was being ridiculous and dismissed my concern. He no longer talks to them. (By his choice)

We have had a number of issues since January of this year:

a) He closed his company and is no longer earning the same amount as before. I am now carrying the burden of “our” joint debt as well as having to pay for his car payments, insurance etc

b) He works any and all hours that are available and leaves me raising our kids. I have to pretty much beg him to help.

c) A month ago I found condoms in an overnight bag. I asked him about it and he was very very upset and angry with me. Asking me how could I ever accuse him of cheating on me. A week later, I found a condom in his console of his truck while helping him look for something. I was so hurt and upset and figured that maybe our marriage was done. He threatened me that “there would be no turning back.” A week after that incident that condom is missing. (I put money in console and noticed it was missing.) When he found out I knew, he told me that he threw it out because I was so upset. But he hasn’t gotten rid of the condoms in the overnight bag? I am totally confused. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else and he got very hurt and upset with me. He tells me that I should know and how could I even imagine that? He tells me that if I don’t trust him then we have serious problems.

d) Our sex life doesn’t exist. We have had sex twice in the last 2 months. When I ask him about it, he blames it on: the fact that he is tired, I don’t make an effort in any way (either appearance wise with the appropriate lingerie), and I don’t make any gestures that I am interested. We never have had “a lot of sex” since we dated. In the prime of our relationship it might have been once a week maximum. He then tells me that he is disappointed because I tease him and tell him that I might go out and get lingerie.

e) I mention to him about counseling and he tells me that “if we need counseling then we have SERIOUS marriage issues”… He then tells me that we don’t.

f) I ask him if he loves me and he gets very upset and angry- telling me that he would do anything for me and our daughter and he is tired of having to keep on telling me. He tells me that he loves me more than life itself and that I’ll ever know.

g) He reminds me of how I have changed – I don’t make lunches for him etc

h) He gets angry if I call him at work – Tuesday night when I called to ask him when he would be home (he left at 8:30am and when I called him it was 9pm) “when he was tired.”

So, if he loves me why is he doing this?????

Lola

Dear Lola,

Thanks for your question. We’re not sure what he’s actually doing? Or is it what he’s not doing? Let’s try and figure this out.

We can see how you’d be suspicious, but finding condoms in his truck or his overnight bag is not enough to incriminate him. Were they always there and you just never noticed them? Was this overnight bag something he used to bring to your place? Sometimes guys have old condoms lying around just out of habit. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating. (We’re not saying the possibility isn’t there, what we’re saying is, in order to answer this question we’re going to take him at his word. It’s up to you whether you do. And you would know that better than us. But everything we say here is based on taking him at his word.)

Let’s start with the sex. It’s very common for a couple’s sex life to decrease a bit once life consumes them. If you only had sex once a week in your prime courting time, it only makes sense for you to be having even less sex now. Also, your husband is now working odd hours, you also have a kid, and you have bills to pay. By the end of the day he’s probably wiped out and possibly overwhelmed with trying to foot his share of the load. It only makes sense that he’s not that interested in sex. Also, if you’re constantly asking him to prove his love and loyalty that’s probably contributing to his general lack of interest.

FYI: Many guys have a higher libido in the morning. Any chance you can rearrange your day and make this happen? With so much on your collective plate, you might need to mix it up a bit. Get creative. Try new things, new times of the day, new places, etc.

If your husband truly loves you like he says he does then your constant mistrust of him, AND his love, is seriously undermining your relationship. (We don’t know him, so once again we’ll take him at face value.) It can get tiring to have to prove to someone over and over how much you love them. And in your case it’s more a reflection of your own insecurity rather than his lack of love. We do agree with you that counseling, or seeing someone as a couple so you can voice your feelings, might not be a bad thing, but at the same time, it’s pretty typical that guys will be resistant to this sort of thing, especially if he doesn’t understand why you don’t trust him.

The only way you can make this work is to start trusting him Lola. And if you don’t trust him then you need to rethink your commitment to him and the relationship. But until you know for sure that he’s doing something unsavory, we think you need to do everything you can to hold up your end of the relationship. And then of course it’s up to him to do the same.

We do wish you the best and hope you can work this out. We don’t like to see families break apart.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

The duality of men: Are all men dogs?

A special post from THE GUYS (Twitter: @TGPBuzz)

How can a man be a nice guy and at the same time, a Total Dog?

This question seems to be a source of confusion and dismay among women across the world. So today we’d like to expound upon this principle and hopefully shed some light on this perplexing duality.

Dogs are born, bred and raised by man. They come with sharp teeth, a vicious bark and an aggressive streak. But they are also fiercely loyal, lovable and playful. They are the only animal on the planet that come with such an interesting blend of opposites. It’s not surprising, since they were trained by man to exist in his own likeness.

But although men possess many of the qualities of our canine brethren, they do not in fact walk on four legs. We walk upright and prefer to keep it that way. Our upright nature puts us at the top of the food chain and makes us the king of the predators, because now our other limbs are free to perform other useful purposes, like itching ourselves, playing cards, gesticulating at the TV, and grabbing at our female counterparts. It’s amazing that we’re not actually extinct!

However, we have another side to us that somehow makes us palatable to the opposite gender. This is where our protective loyalty comes into play. Supporting our family and looking after our own is deeply embedded in our genes. That’s who we are from day one. A squirmy, purple looking, ball of fat—fierce and loyal; precisely like a cute puppy.

So how can all this goodness live next door to all this aggression?

It’s just as unclear to us. It comes from somewhere, but where, we have no idea. Some call it hormones, some call it the devil, some say it hangs just below our abdomen, but whatever it is or wherever it may reside, it seems to have a mind of it’s own.

Example: Things are going great with our girlfriend. She’s so cool, smart, pretty and easy to hang with. What could be better? One day we’re walking down the street, happy as a clam and then we see “That Girl!” Our bodies start buzzing, our minds go blank and all of a sudden something isn’t quite right. How is this possible? Nothing’s really changed AND everything has changed. Why is this other person so mesmerizing, so alluring, so dynamic? And why does her mere presence shake the very foundation of what we care about?

We’re confused about this too, so we talk about it amongst ourselves. Yes, you heard that right, WE TALK!! And we ask each other questions like these:

What does this mean? Does this happen to you? Do you like it? Don’t like it? What should I do about it? Should I do anything about it? Is it real? Is it fantasy? I just don’t get it!!!

We ask these questions because we care about the people we love and don’t want to mess things up. We also realize that it’s unlikely those physical reactions have anything to do with love. But it takes us time. THE GUYS at The Guy’s Perspective have each other to ponder these thoughts, but many guys don’t have anyone to talk to, or they don’t even realize that they should be discussing this with other guys, so they follow their “small brain” around and basically ruin everything they have.

But, let’s not jump off the deep end here. We can be trained. In fact, somewhere deep down we want to be trained, or rather TAMED. Why? Because it’s not always fun to feel pulled by this invisible force, and to have little things like other women, cause us to question ourselves and what we have. We constantly hope, we can get this power under control, so we can enjoy our lives with the people who are in them presently.

Here are some basic rules to understand:

1. When we say we love you, we do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to sleep with…….well……you get the idea.

2. Yes, we seek to conquer. But it’s not just about the conquest as many think. At some point we actually do want to keep the “prize.” Of course each guy is different in this respect.

3. We do talk, but we’re egocentric creatures. We think we’re the only ones who’ve ever felt a certain way, done a certain thing, or thought of a particular idea. etc. That’s why teenage boys tell their dads they don’t know “jack” about sex or love. Hmm….and the dads say, “I wonder how you got here, you little….(fill in).” Our point is we think we know more than we do.

4. We travel in packs, but we’d prefer to “hunt” alone. So the guy you see at the bar by himself is not necessarily a lonely loser. He could actually be smarter than the rest and realize there’s a lot less competition when there’s no competition.

5. We ARE able to commit. If your man says he needs more time it’s because he’s unsure of you. If might be best to just let him sniff around some more without you. You’ll be better off.

The last thing we have to say about all of this is:

Don’t give up on us, but at the same time, it’s unlikely we’ll ever change.

Now figure that out!!! And when you do, let us know. We would like to be enlightened.

THE GUYS

PS….we’re hungry. Can someone throw us a bone please! Join us on Twitter for more insights into the male mind. @TGPBuzz

Listen to our relationship advice blitz!

Dear Readers,

We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

Listen to our podcast, Episode #47 to hear our first ever “Ask the Guys Blitz!” We challenged ourselves to answer ten of your questions in twenty minutes. Listen to see if we met our goal.

Here are the questions we answered:

From Sarah: My younger man turned ugly

From Just so Confused: I need constant communication and he doesn’t

From Emilie: Will he come back?

From Laulena: Will we ever be more than friends?

From Paula: Will his career always be more important than me?

From John: My girlfriend said she needs space before getting back together

From Ruka: Does my older guy just want sex?

From Liz: He doesn’t want a long distance relationship; What now?

From Shamika: Lending my boyfriend money

From Sam: Should I move to be with him?

If you have a question of your own leave us a note. Or give us a call at: 347-855-GUYS. (4897)

TGP Podcast Ep47: Corn Pwned, Pumpkin Party Problem & Ask the Guys BLITZ!

TGP Ep.47 Corn Pwned, Pumpkin Party Problem & Ask the Guys BLITZ!

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In the News:
Is this just another skirmish in the great “Asking for Directions” battle? What do you think about the Massachusetts couple that dialed 911 after being lost in a corn maze? We certainly have our opinions.

Father Stories:
Our family traditions are what bind us together, so it’s hard when we see our kids growing up and out of those things. Sai shares a Halloween story that finds his son pulled in two directions. You can read Sai’s full article about this in the MetroWest Daily.
What are your great childhood Halloween memories?

Ask the Guy’s BLITZ!
This week we attempt to answer 10 great listener questions in 20 minutes all while giving them the weight they deserve. Do we make it? Listen and find out!

And…
As always if you have any comments, kudos or criticisms let us know. You can also share your stories in any of our segments including:
Pet Peeves
Father Stories
Are We the Only Ones
Youth is Wasted on the Young
The Truth
Stream of Consciousness
Ask the Guys
Call our voicemail line any time 24/7 at 347-855-GUYS (4897) or click the Contact Us
tab on The Guys Perspective website.

Kissing cousins: Should we date? And: What is he thinking?

Dear Readers,

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Dear Guys,

My distant cousin lives overseas. We got in touch through texting and gradually we started flirting heavily. We have a text-relationship. He called me twice too. I spent the holidays over in his country and we met up with our friends. The first day was still normal. But after the second day he became all cold. I asked him about it but all he said was he was bummed out that he had scratched his brand new BMW and he had not slept well—well he did meet me up with our friends for 2 days straight squeezing his other plans in.

Ever since then it has been a hot and cold thing. We met once after when he was in transit in my hometown with his friend. It seems that right after we met up he would be cold and so I would be too. But gradually we started flirting again, though never as heavy as the time before; and it’s him who always starts the flirting. Or like when I don’t text him or try to ignore him, he starts texting me everyday and is waiting for me to reply. We are both attached to other people as well and we both know each other’s “significant other” through FB, but we never talk about it.

I think both of us don’t expect the situation to be this way as we are related distantly. (We played together when we were younger.) But what does it mean on his part? What is he thinking? I too am unsure about what I am feeling but clearly this is bothering me enough for me to be asking about it. I find myself waiting for his texts and wondering or getting jealous if he’s out with his girl. And my heart skips a beat if I get his texts. HELP!!

Susan

Dear Susan,

Thanks for your question. We can see that this has thrown you for a loop. Sometimes our hearts have a mind of their own.

However, while dating or marrying your cousin is not against the law, it’s not typically a path most people feel comfortable heading down. We understand this guy is your distant cousin and probably shares little of your gene pool, but it’s still “taboo” enough where it seems like you’re both at least thinking and wondering if it’s something you should even pursue.

And maybe your relation to each other hasn’t stopped you from flirting, but it seems it’s enough of an issue that it might be affecting his behavior, and maybe even yours. (That and the fact that both of you are attached to other people currently, which may not be a bad thing in this particular situation.)

From what you describe we would typically say he’s not interested in being in a relationship with you, but in your case, since we have to factor in the “cousin” variable, it could just be a little too “out there” for him to handle. And instead of just saying that, he continues to give you mixed messages. We’re not sure if he’s ever going to feel completely comfortable with it, which could explain why he’s all flirty from a distance, but when you are actually in the same location he acts funny.

We’re not saying you shouldn’t pursue this, but the situation is ripe for this type of uncertainty and confusion.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Dear Readers,

THE GUYS

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Hi Guys,

I have been in a relationship for the past one year. Everything is going fine. His friends and my friends know about us. But he always introduces me as a friend in front of his colleagues or acquaintances. He never accepts my relationship requests on Facebook. He never takes me along with his friends, even if their wives or girlfriends are going. His friends don’t like me. I know that. He does take me out, but always only the two of us.

I feel as if I am not getting the acknowledgement in front of the world and that scares me. I know he loves me. He says he loves me and that’s enough for me. He doesn’t flirt with other girls.

What do I do? Am I overreacting?

Angel

Dear Angel,

Thanks for your question.

You say your situation is enough for you (the fact that he tells you he loves you), but obviously it must be bothering you, otherwise it’s unlikely you would have contacted us to ask our opinion. And honestly, we don’t think you’re overreacting. We see some serious red flags here.

We’ve said this before, and we’ll say it now: When a guy is totally in love with a woman, he wants to tell the world about this new person in his life. He’s not necessarily looking for approval from his loved ones (although that’s nice), but he’s more showing that he approves of you, enough to show you off, and tell the world he’s proud to have you as a partner. Your guy is not doing this and that is a concern for us. And for you.

It’s always nice when people get along great with their partner’s family and friends. When this happens it only further affirms the new connection. But that doesn’t mean approval from family and friends is a determining factor. A lot of people have great relationships with people that their families can’t stand. The problem with your situation is that your guy has let the opinions of his friends affect his behavior. This shows two things: He either is easily influenced, which we consider to be a character flaw in this situation, or he isn’t really in love with you the way you think he is.

The only way to resolve this situation is to start talking to him about how you feel. Pretending that everything is fine, when it isn’t, is not going to help strengthen your relationship. You need to have open lines of communication so you can both be honest with each other. Hopefully, he’ll understand where you’re coming from and try to change some of his behavior. If he doesn’t acknowledge your feelings, and tells you you’re overreacting, that should only strengthen your notion that something is indeed wrong.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Will he come back?

This post is sponsored by Playboy Magazine. Give the gift of Playboy for $1. He’ll appreciate it.

Dear Readers,

We’re doing our best to answer questions as quickly as possible. The best way to get your question answered quickly is to leave it as a comment on this post, or another relevant post, or donate to THE GUYS using our PayPal button on the right side of this page or any page on our site. Thanks to those of you who have donated. We do appreciate it.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Dear Guys,

I met a guy on New Year’s and we went out at the end of January. I was very hesitant to begin a relationship or even date since I knew there was a possibility that I would be moving at the end of summer (about 8 hrs away). I also had other personal issues that I was dealing with.

This guy was so amazing that I started dating him anyway, and within a matter of a few months I fell for him. This is the best guy I have ever met and the best relationship I have ever had. I am 28 and he is 30. He pursued me and was also the one to ask for the commitment. This was after we found out that I would be moving in June. We always said that long distance was manageable and that we don’t date just to date. This was something serious.

Well around the end of May—about a month before the big move—I became very emotional. I was sad to be leaving my friends and this amazing guy that I felt that I was in love with. I was leaving to further my career in residency (a two year commitment) and I even considered not going. However I felt that I had to leave to increase my job satisfaction which was at the time very low. But we said distance wouldn’t matter, as long as it was right. However I feel that my intense emotions of wanting out relationship to progress and survive the distance and my sadness in leaving may have begun to push him away.

Things were harder before the move and they continue to be now. I don’t know anyone in my new city and have relied on him for happiness. I haven’t been very happy but I’m slowly adjusting, which I think is normal after a big life change/move. I feel like my emotional stress caused further strain on our relationship. He knows full well I am ready to meet “the one” and so is he. Well this week he broke up with me. He says that he doesnt feel 100% committed to the relationship and that his emotions have hit a wall. However he says that there may be hope for the future after we have some time apart. And he says he is not saying that to “sugar coat” the break up and I believe that. There is seriously NOTHING wrong with our relationship. Only that he hasn’t fallen in love with me the way I have with him. The issue is that I still think it’s early (despite the way I’m feeling) and that love could still come in time. It’s only been 7 months. And he says he cares about me so much and wanted so badly for it to work. He says this arrest of his emotions has been growing over the last month. I have been away for two. I just think that he may feel this way because I have been so emotional. I feel that if I had played it cool, he wouldn’t feel this way. I have regrets.

So my question is, what is your take on this situation? Do you really think there is a chance for us? A chance for him to miss me during this non-communicative period of time? Should he know? Or are these the normal emotions that one goes through during this 6-7 month period that has been exacerbated through distance? I so hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder. We are each other’s best friend and I just really feel that love could grow. But then again, maybe I’m being a silly girl and need to accept that fact that if he was going to love me ever, he would not feel this emotional block now, regardless of the circumstances.

Bridget

Dear Bridget,

Thanks for your question.

First of all you should have no regrets. For what? For being honest with yourself and him? Why wouldn’t you feel sad for leaving? Sure, you might be embarking on a new and exciting chapter in your life, but that doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel mixed emotions about leaving behind some people whom you love. And if this is what drove him away from you, then the relationship didn’t have as much going for it as you perceived.

Having said that, we still think it’s possible for the two of you to reunite, but you shouldn’t ignore the fact that he doesn’t feel about you, the same way you feel about him. And for guys, probably more so than for women, this doesn’t typically change. We tend to “know” right away if the potential is there for a serious relationship. So if he was already feeling a bit unsure, your emotional outpourings just gave him an opening to end things. (But they didn’t CAUSE his change of heart regardless of what he might say.)

Sure, distance can make the heart grow fonder. We’re sure your guy is missing you. But keep in mind that distance also makes people forget. It’s likely your guy will start to remember all the qualities he loved about you and block out why he wasn’t sure in the first place. But that doesn’t mean he’s truly changed his mind about how he feels. The only way you’ll really know how he feels will be if the two of you live in the same city and really give it a go. (But didn’t you do that already?)

Our suggestion is for you to try to be open to new possibilities in your new city. Try to focus as much as possible on your career and all the new people you are meeting. (We know this will be difficult) Because all you can really do now is wait and see what happens. We wish you the best.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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He’s a musician: Is he worth the wait?

Dear Readers,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Hey Guys,

I need your advice. So four years ago I met a good friend of mine online. My friends were playing with my Myspace profile and they added his band. They convinced me to start talking to him; he lives in Montreal, Canada, and I live in Chicago.

To be honest I didn’t think that our friendship would last this long. And I always figured if we stopped talking to each other life would go on as if we never met. During those four years I’ve seen his fan base grow and his bandmates grow into these amazing musicians. They have toured in China, Japan, India, London, and France. And they were even featured in a Final Fantasy soundtrack. He’s amazing, kind, very talented, considerate; he’s all these good things. And we have a great friendship. So when he said we wouldn’t be able to talk as much because of his band I was okay with it. He seemed like he didn’t want to stop our communication, and he seemed sad. But I told him “Do what you gotta do and I’ll be here when you’re done.” A few months later I figured out I really liked him.

I went to go see his band play in the Canadian Music Week in Toronto on March of this year. Every chance he got to touch me he did. But here is the problem as much as I like him, but he is just so confusing. And to be honest it’s starting to piss me off. (From The Guys: We’re going to shorten this.) He gives me mixed signals. He tells me I’m the most amazing woman in the world and I should never change, but when he talks to other people it’s just business. Sometimes he can be the most romantic person in the world, but then will call me “Little Sister.”

The last time I told him I was dating someone he didn’t talk to me up until my birthday. I dropped my friend’s camera and said “Julian is going to kill me.” He looks the other way and his tone changes from a happy one to a sad one and he says, “Julian?” So I decided to write him a love letter to tell him I like him. I sent it but he’s never said anything about it. I sometimes think he likes me, but I don’t know. I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart says he’s the one, and that I should wait for him, have patience, but my head and friends tell me I’m stupid for having any hope of being with him. I’m starting to think the same thing.

What do you think? Is he worth the wait? Or should I move on…

Thanks for the help,

Rogue

Dear Rogue,

Thanks for your question. We understand your confusion. Of course we wish we had a little more information. One important piece of information you omitted was your age. (So we’re going to guess. We’ll assume you’re in your early 20s. Maybe he’s slightly older. Mid to late 20s?)

It seems like all our women friends have a story similar to yours, where they fell for some guy in a band, and thought he was “the one,” only to find out they were “one” of many. Of course having said that, we do know of one situation that did develop into an actual relationship. And we are happy to report that this couple actually got married. But typically these types of relationships don’t get beyond the flirting stage.

Keep in mind too that he’s made his band a priority. (We’re not saying he shouldn’t; we’re just stating the facts.) And part of being in a successful band is being free to say YES to any opportunity that arises. The other piece is to slowly expand your fan base at the grassroots level. You see where we’re going with this don’t you? Flirting with girls at every stop is one way of expanding the fan base. We’re not saying he’s not attracted to you, but we are saying that his primary focus is his band, and everything he’s doing, and thinking about is related to his band. And in some ways it has to be. But even having said all of that, if he was actually interested in you beyond flirting—unless you are not of age— he would already be pursuing you regardless of whether or not he was touring with his band. So since he’s not, there are only two reasons for this.

1. He wants to be free to “capitalize” on the band’s burgeoning popularity, and mix with the locals as he hops from city to sin city.

2. He’s not interested.

You can take your pick, but neither scenario is great. So sadly we’re voting with your friends on this one. (You should watch our video on this very topic: Listen to your friends)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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If actions speak louder than words, what happened?

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

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THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Dating an older guy: What are we?

Long distance relationship: Follow up question

This guy’s actions are confusing

Showing too much love to my sister

Dear Guys,

I’ve read the answer to the question “Break up confusion: Will he come back?” And in the part you said, “actions speak louder than words.” This is were my confusion begins.

I was with a guy almost 2 years. At the beginning we both agreed that we were going to give a chance to our friendship and start as a couple. We had a great relationship, many things in common. We had fun together; he introduced me to his family, and I did the same. We never had a fight and everything was great in bed.

In the 4th month, he told me something like this, “I’m afraid I’m not loving you as you deserve.” So I told him, “Well maybe I’m not the woman you want. I love you, but I don’t want you to be with me if you don’t want to.”

Then he told me, “I’m not saying I want to beak up, I’m just saying that I’m feeling this way and it’s something that’s happened to me in my past relationships.”

So we didn’t break up until 2 months ago when we were having a disagreement. He then told me that he never felt he was in love with me. Then I asked, “But, what do you mean by love, because your actions always showed me that you loved me.” Because he never did anything that made me doubt about his love for me. He was caring. He always called me; he introduced me as his girlfriend to everybody and he never forgot my birthday or our anniversary. He was supportive; he always answered my calls. So, if actions speak louder than words, what happened with us?

I feel he’s not coming back, because he hasn’t tried to contact me in these last 2 months. But the thing that hurts me more is that he always showed me that he loved me through his actions.

Majolie

Dear Majolie,

Thanks for your question. We understand your confusion.

It sounds like your relationship started out as just a friendship and then the two of you agreed to give a romantic relationship a try. Is that right?

If so, it’s possible he wanted to be in love with you because he cared about you a lot as a friend, but once the two of you took the relationship to the next level he realized he just didn’t love you that way. Didn’t he say as much to you four months into your relationship? In some ways he was confessing to you, and asking you to make the decision about the future of the relationship. At this point if you had broken up with him, that would have been that. But since you deflected it back to him, he wasn’t strong enough to do it. Maybe this is because of your previous friendship, or because he was too weak to do the difficult thing: Break up with you.

You might say, “Well what about the sex? It was good, and he seemed into it.”

And you would be right; but that still doesn’t mean he was in love with you. Guys can have sex even they don’t feel giddy and in love. This doesn’t mean he didn’t care about you. On the contrary he probably cared about you a lot and was trying desperately to feel that special feeling. Unfortunately it never happened.

We’re sorry this is a difficult time for you. And we can understand if you feel betrayed and lied to. We don’t think he meant to do that, but he should have been strong enough to break up with you when he knew it wasn’t right. But he’s not the only person that hates to inflict pain on the people they love.

So in our minds you whole confusion stems from the non-action at the four month period of your relationship.

We wish you the best. Take care of yourself.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Why is he secretive?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

What’s the deal with this guy?

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This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Dear Guys,

I am a 23 year old woman and my boyfriend is 25. We have been together for two years, and since I am currently a hard-up student nurse, we each live separately with our parents. For the most part we have a good and happy relationship.

However, my boyfriend has a general pattern of secretive behavior. I’m not entirely sure whether this is peculiar to him or our relationship.

Recently I attended a work funtion with him at the races. Some of his friends from work were also there with their girlfriends. I was chatting with these women when my boyfriend approached, and one of the girls latched on to him immediately. She said to him, “We had a great time when we went out clubbing before didn’t we? We should definitely do it again!” Since he’d never mentioned this girl and I didn’t know they had a prior association, I looked at him puzzled. I ignored it and continued to socialize with the group. Clearly, my boyfriend realized I had noticed this and kept bugging me and saying, “What’s wrong?! Talk to me?!” Even though I showed no signs of being upset and had no intention of discussing anything until there was an appropriate moment. Eventually I said “Look, it just bothered me a bit that you’d never mentioned socializing with those other girls or going out on those nights at all.”

Quite inapropriately defensive and accusatory at this point, he told me that he had covered it up because he thought I might be upset. I’ll make it clear at this point that I have never had any problems with him having nights out with the guys or whoever – it had just never been an issue for me. At points I have even encouraged him to get out and do it since I’d noticed he hadn’t for a while! Yet he’d anticipated it might upset me and went quite out of his way to hide it from me.

He also said that he often lied to me about how much he had to drink on nights out. For a long time he’s been telling me that he seems to have a bad reaction to alcohol after just a few pints at the most. I’ve nursed him through many a horrible hangover. I’ve never had a problem with his drinking either, and I drink plenty myself, especially on a night out.

I felt wounded and humiliated and accused. Wounded to have been lied to and not trusted to be understanding or accommodating of his social needs. Humiliated to be finding out from other people. Accused of holding him to standards I’ve never held or expressed – of unreasonable reactions I’ve never had.

I am at a loss. I am now questioning the motivation for his (what seem to me, pointless) cover-ups and lies. I would be very interested to have some male insight into this! Is it reasonable to expect that a man might be secretive about such things for other reasons, or is it possible he’s hiding it because he’s up to no good? Is he hiding the extent of his drinking because he fears my thinking him irresponsible, or because he in fact is irresponsible?

Please help!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly your boyfriend feels the need to hide things from you, and this says more about him than it does about your relationship, since you say you’ve been pretty supportive about him going out with his friends. So the question is: Why does he feel the need to be secretive? We see two possible reasons.

First Possible Reason:

Some guys have this idea that women in general can’t handle the truth. They have this antiquated notion that women are clingy, jealous creatures, best kept in the dark when it comes to “Boys night out.” This type of guy can be found at the local pub, downing pints, and laughing and complaining with his buds about his girl, all the while conspiring to come up with a good story to tell her when he gets home.

Second Possible Reason:

He’s doing things he shouldn’t be doing. We’re not saying he’s actually cheating on you, but he could be doing things he knows he shouldn’t be doing. And of course everyone’s definition of cheating is different. Some people consider flirting cheating, while for some it takes actual intercourse to breach the contract of a relationship.

But what bothers us the most is the way he reacted to you after you told him how you felt about being kept in the dark. He was clearly busted, and so instead of admitting it, and asking for forgiveness, or at least for a chance to explain it to you, he tried to deflect and put it all on you. This is not the greatest example of solid communication, and it’s not the type of behavior that’s going to help you solve other problems in the future.

Relationships are built on trust. And trust is exactly what’s missing from your relationship. If you want this relationship to move forward, the two of you need to start having some serious discussions about how you deal with problems, and the best way to communicate with each other.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

What’s the deal with this guy?

Long distance: Should I pursue?

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Hi There Guys,

I need some dating advice. It appears I’m quite domineering when I date men; I seem to be quick to tell a guy when he’s not doing things the right way. Or if he isn’t courting me at all, I tend to give them a mouthful. For example: I went on a date with a guy a week ago, he asked me out; when the bill arrived he refused to pay for it. I excused myself and went to the bathroom, and upon returning the bill was still sitting there. He then went to the bathroom, came back, and by that time I had asked the waitress to split the bill, so I could pay for myself. This guy says, “So you’re not paying for me?” To which I replied, “Hell no, pay for yourself!”

He made a few other jokes indicating that he was low status. He jokingly stated that he took the bus. The next day he texts me telling me he’s into and would like to see me again. I bluntly gave him dating advice. Some of which would easily blow a man’s ego to shreds. So my question is: How to I keep patient with men who are just so stupid? I feel like stupid men are everywhere? Or perhaps I’m just too domineering. Sometimes I feel like I’m actually doing a guy disservice by not saying anything. A clueless guy should know when he’s being clueless, so that he can apply new knowledge with future women. Perhaps other women can enjoy the fruits of my labor?

Any advice would help.

I’m actually a nice woman, so please be gentle with me.

Sandy

ps. My other question has to do with how some guys act interested but then don’t organize the date, and put it on me to organize it, when they should be the ones doing it if they’re courting me?

Dear Sandy,

We don’t doubt you’re a very nice woman. Sure you may be a little domineering, but we think the real problem lies with the individual guys you’re dealing with. So our answer is more directed at the men out there, rather than you, or other women reading this.

First of all guys: If you ask a women out to dinner, expect to pay. In fact, you should insist on paying, unless for some reason you and your prospective date have had a conversation before you actually go out. And it’s our experience that if a woman insists on going “dutch” on a first date, she’s likely not interested in anything more than being friends. And guys, if you’re feeling broke, then don’t ask a woman to dinner. Take her out for lunch, or even coffee. If she likes you, she’ll be happy to spend time with you in any capacity.

Second of all guys: All the planning for your date falls on your shoulders. Women like to be surprised. (If it’s a good surprise of course.) But you get big points for being creative, or at least trying. If it doesn’t work out, then try laughing at yourself, which will be disarming, and come across as somewhat charming. (If you want to ask your prospective date for any particular type of food she doesn’t like that’s fine, but never put the burden of figuring out the evening on her. )

Sandy, we can see why acted the way you did, although most women probably would have grudgingly paid the bill and then vowed never to speak to the guy again. Sure you might be a bit more assertive than some, but we’d be just as annoyed by both of the scenarios you’ve painted for us.

Our advice is to keep being how you are. Maybe you’re helping these guys by speaking up about their behavior, but most likely they’re the kind of people that will deflect your barbs and assume it’s your problem. We suggest screening your potential dating candidates a little more closely before you agree to go out with them. Or maybe try meeting guys a bit more organically: Take a class, join a book group, go on a chartered travel vacation, or help out with some charity. There are a lot of different ways of meeting people, and doing something you care about will ensure that you’re meeting people with similar values.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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This guy at work: What is he thinking? Does he still like me?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

What’s the deal with this guy?

Long distance: Should I pursue?

Guys,

I was seeing this guy I work with for a year and a half. We were just talking, but nothing serious. At the time, he was going through a divorce, and he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He wrote me everyday and was so nice to me. He told me from the begining that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but we still talked. No sex, just kissing. He told me that he wished he would have met me at another time in his life, because he could totally see himself with someone like me. He also said that he liked me a lot, but he just wasn’t ready to give me a relationship like I wanted.

Then he broke off all communication with me because I got mad at him for talking—albeit friendly—to my friend at a bar, and totally ignoring me. He and I didn’t talk at all and he even told me to erase his number from my phone. I was completely hurt, as I went from talking to him everyday, to nothing at all.There was so much tension and hate whenever we saw each other. He now has a girlfriend and I must say that I still like him a lot. I still get butterflies when I see him at work. Recently he has been very nice to me, and has even started conversations with me. I catch him staring at me a lot, and has even asked to help me with some boxes I was carrying in. He has also waited for me and holds the door for me. When it was his birthday, I wished him happy bday, and he responded very well. Jokingly he said that he was trailing closely behind me in age. He’s also been very attentive as to when I get to work and asks me about my schedule. He jokingly tells me I’m late when I do get to work a bit late. He sometimes distances himself from me, but sometimes is very friendly. Other things that he has said before we stopped talking: “I want to give you my full attention, but right now that won’t happen.” or “Trust me, I do like you a lot, I’m just not ready for a relationship now.” I wan’t to know if it’s possible that he would come back to me when he is “ready.” He knows I want something serious. And if he didn’t want a relationship, why is he with this girl?

Why is he being so nice and friendly like when I first met him? Why does he stare at me with longing eyes? Please help! I really like him

Brenda

Dear Brenda,

Thanks for your question.

This guy seems pretty honest and in touch with himself. He just got divorced, and is probably still reeling from the uncoupling. Getting into a serious relationship is probably the last thing on his mind. And it’s likely this isn’t going to change for some time. So you’re going to have to be very patient with him, with no guarantee that it will ever work out the way you’d like.

So what about this other girl you ask? We don’t think he’s serious about her. She is someone for him to hang out with and have sex. Remember, if he was faithful to his wife—which we hope he was—he hasn’t had sex with another woman for a long time. So we can tell you that having sex again is foremost on his mind, and with as many women as he can get into bed.

The good news is he respects you enough, and likes you enough, not to drag you into the fray. The bad news is, he is likely going to enjoy “the fray” for a long time.

So yes, we do think he likes you, but as soon as you start pressuring him to be serious, or start getting clingy or jealous like you did in the bar, he’s going to push you away.

Our advice: Enjoy his company as a friend, but put yourself back out on the market, and try to be open to other guys. If at some point down the road he seems more open to a serious relationship, believe us, you will be the first one he contacts. Guys don’t keep a little black book—well some do— but most keep a mental list of all the women they would pursue if they ever were to be single again.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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What’s the deal with this guy?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Guys,

This guy and I have been “dating”/talking for awhile now. When we originally started talking/hanging out he was single. Then he had a VERY short relationship. (3 weeks). He broke up with her because things just didn’t work out. But he also said he was interested in me as well at the time. So now we have been “seeing” each other ever since. We have been hanging out several times a week now. We kiss, hold hands, cuddle, etc. But nothing more than PG-13. It has been several weeks and I don’t know if I am just being impatient or if he just is dragging his feet.

We both watch the same shows and when I get to certain episodes he says, “You are not allowed to watch that without me.” I get messages like that from him all the time. But then sometimes I get mixed signals like tonight when he called me kiddo, I said “wow if that wasn’t sexy I don’t know what is.” He gave me a “Really?” I told him of course not and he just told me “Okay, nighty night”.

There was another instance when we were supposed to hang out. He ended up going out with his family—they are very close—and canceled on me. He ended up kinda buzzed, but called to apologize for blowing me off. He admitted that he liked me and he didn’t want me to be angry with him, or worry about him hanging out with others. He also threw in a line about “if and when—heavy emphasis on the when—you meet my family.” But the next time we hung out he barely touched me, and he held my hand very little. He had asked if I was okay for some strange reason but that was about it. I got a goodbye kiss but that was it.

He is confusing the heck out of me and I don’t know if I should just ask where we are or just let things progress more since it has only been a couple of weeks. I want to know if there is something real there, or if he is just dragging me along until he finds something better. HELP ME!!!!

Leanne

Dear Leanne,

Thanks for writing to us.

We can’t know exactly what’s in this guy’s heart, but he’s giving you many signs that he likes you, especially if he wants you to meet his family. Is it possible he’s shy? Or maybe inexperienced? Or maybe he just doesn’t know how you feel about him yet?

We’d say give it a few more weeks. See how things progress. Maybe take some initiative and invite him over for dinner or something like that. It sounds like he needs a little prompting, or possibly some reassurance from you that you’re interested. Hasn’t he already said that he’s into you?

If he’s feeling insecure or unsure, he’s going to give you mixed signals. He doesn’t want to show his hand completely for fear of being rejected. The male ego will do almost anything to avoid looking the fool. His ego sounds completely intact and possibly working overdrive.

If after a few more weeks you still don’t have your answers, we think you should lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. This doesn’t mean it will work out the way you’d like. It might; it might not. But this way you’ll at least know where you stand, and whether or not the relationship has a chance to progress to the next level.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks for your donation.

Long distance: Should I pursue?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

I’d like to understand what happened?

Dear Guys,

About three months ago I started seeing a guy even though we both knew I was moving to England for work at some point. (It wasn’t clear when I’d be leaving. We’re from Canada) I was okay with just a fling because I told myself I would not get attached. He always instigated texting and calling me the entire time. Sometimes it would take him a couple of days to contact me but I would then take the same amount of time to return his text or call, so I know we were both playing it cool, even though we’d still always get together. He would also often invite me out to hang with his friends.

Before I left for England (2 months into our “relationship” – I don’t know what to call it) he would send me funny Youtube links about not going to London, with a little ‘lol’ next to the link. And when I was at the airport ready to go he texted me to say he’d miss spending time with me.

Once I was in England he decided to go to Rome for a vacation by himself. (He arranged this long before we started seeing each other.) He offered to buy me a ticket to visit him for a few days while he was there. Obviously I agreed but because the ticket was more than what we expected I split the cost with him, which was totally fine by me. We had a great time; he always made an effort to hold my hand while we were walking, reach out for my hand at dinner. He was always sweet and respectful. On our last night he really opened up to me about a lot of painful events that happened when he was growing up, much of which I think very few of his friends are aware of and I’m not sure if now he feels he needs to put his defenses up all over again. We both left Rome just over a week ago and since then he hasn’t been initiating contact with me as much as he used to, such as email or instant messaging. He always responds to me if I message him and he’s happy to hear from me, but it bothers me that I’m the one who seems to be doing most of the instigating now. I can’t tell if I should continue to be interested in him. My move isn’t supposed to be permanent though I don’t know how long it will be for, so I don’t want to let go of the relationship potential. But I’m also wondering if he is just not interested anymore…

Thanks!

Sadie

Dear Sadie,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’d be very surprised if he was no longer interested in you. In fact, to us it sounds quite the contrary. Since he opened up to you during your time in Rome together, he may be feeling vulnerable. He probably feels like he’s revealed his true feelings, but he’s not sure where you stand with the relationship. If he’s feeling insecure, this could be the reason he’s pulled away.

We realize your situation is complicated. Adding a long distance component to any relationship only further complicates matters. But both of you have made things even more confusing and complicated by continuing to “play it cool.” Of course we understand why you began the relationship that way. However, the time for playing it cool has long been over. We wish you had discussed your relationship before you left for England, but it’s not too late to begin this discussion now.

So our answer is: Yes, you should pursue the relationship, but only if you really care for this guy. We can’t guarantee that he’ll reciprocate, but based on his actions, he certainly seems very interested. Examples: Haven’t you met his friends? Didn’t he invite you to Rome? And wasn’t he sweet the whole time? And didn’t he confide in you some very personal experiences? And hasn’t he been consistently interested for the last few months? All of these examples say one thing: He’s interested. Unless of course something happened in Rome that you haven’t mentioned. (Something like: Awkward sex? or something in that family.)

So it’s time to let your defenses down and talk to him about how you feel, and what you’re thinking. If he reciprocates you’ll both work together to figure out how to make it work. If he doesn’t, then you no longer need to waste your time worrying whether he really likes you or not. In our eyes, it’s a win-win move, even though we understand it’s never easy to let your guard down.

Last thing: We realize you are in England and he’s in Canada, but even that distance is not impossible to cope with. People have dealt with far worse. And maybe once you square things away, both of you will see this relationship in a different light, and you’ll reevaluate your priorities. (Sometimes people get so stuck in their ways they don’t realize they can do whatever they want with their life, even if it requires swimming against the current.) Love is not something to take for granted. It certainly doesn’t happen every day. So we think you should make it a priority. It’s at least worth exploring.

We wish you the best. Please keep us posted on your situation.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And thanks for the donation.

My best friend: What does he want?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Dear Guys,

I’m writing to you because I don’t even know what to make of the relationship I have with my best friend. We have known each other for a while now and ever since we met everything clicked. He calls/text everyday; we spend a lot of time together whether it’s at his place, with his family, his friends, you name it. So it’s no surprise that I ended up falling for him.

The chicks he is with now are pretty much fuck buddies. Nothing serious but it stills bother me. I confronted him about this and told him how I felt. I even tried to stay away from him. He said he didn’t want to lose me and got mad when I told him I wanted time away. Since then, instead of pulling away like you would expect from other guys, he did the opposite. He just acted like the conversation never happened and still called and asked to hang out.

Lately, he has even told me we should get a place together. He asks about the guys I’m with and we talk about the future and what we want. What drove me over the edge though was a party we went to not too long ago. We always flirt. But this time more than usual. We were buzzed and dancing all over. I got so into it that I almost kissed him. He noticed and told me I deserved something better than him. Now, I have always believed if a guy likes a girl he will make it happen. But, with him I don’t know what to think. If he doesn’t like me why would he want to spend so much time with me, tell me everything, flirt, or even picture me in his future like that if he didn’t like me. But if does he like me what is he waiting for? None of my friends understand him.

I really hope you will be able to help me.

Sincerely,
Gina

Dear Gina,

Thanks for your question.

We can see how his behavior would be confusing to you. But your initial take on guys is dead on: If a guy is into a girl typically he’ll do whatever he can to make it happen, unless of course he’s painfully shy, which doesn’t seem to be the case with your best friend.

Obviously he cares a lot about you. He values you as a friend, and enjoys your company. He trusts you, and feels comfortable sharing his thoughts and dreams with you. But something is missing for him. Otherwise he would doing whatever he could to take your relationship to the next level. The fact that he isn’t doing that tells us he’s likely not into you in that way.

Here’s the tricky part to all of this: His behavior won’t necessarily be 100 percent consistent. Meaning, he might try and sleep with you at some point, or be physical with you in some way. But if this happens it will likely be his way of trying to force something that isn’t there. We can assure you he’s wishing he was in love with you. And he’s likely beating himself up and telling himself he’s a fool for not being in love with you. But if he was attracted to you in that way we think you’d already be a couple. You have to look at how he is MOST of the time. How does he behave towards you the majority of the time? That’s the question you have to ask yourself. From what we can see, he treats you as a loving friend, but not a girlfriend.

But why not talk to him about it? He might not want to tell you the whole truth, but at least the topic will be open for conversation. That would be a start in unraveling this mystery.

Best of luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Online dating: Should I move forward?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Hi Guys,

I am 37 and a mother of 2 kids. I have tried online dating which I am not so comfortable with. Nonetheless, I tried it and have exchanged messages with different people from different parts of the world, but all just short notes. One time I received several nudges and winks from a guy with no profile picture.

For no reason at all, I decided to write and send a note. He sent me a message and we started chatting. Fortunately, the guy is extremely gorgeous and a real nice guy. He has showed sweetness and interest in me but on other days, I don’t feel it. We’ve been chatting day and night for about a month now. Sending messages and talking on the phone. He is in Canada and I am in Asia. He does say that he will come here, but he doesn’t really tell me the purpose of meeting me. He says he will come to my country (he really adores women in our country) grab a girl and marry her, but of course the chemistry should be present. He’s 38 and I am 37, and he said he want someone younger because he still wants to have kids. So this is really confusing me. I do like him. We do have chemistry; we enjoy our talks, we have something in common, we believe in the same things—morals, values—but it’s really puzzling me. I don’t want to fall in love. We have not met which is crazy but I guess I really like how he is—not just the looks.

Should I stop? or should I just go with the flow? Should I show I am interested in him? We do call each other with different words of endearment but that’s about it. He never said he likes me, but he would always say I’m pretty and he seems happy whenever we talk. Please, I need a guy’s perspective on this.

Thanks!

Single Mom

Dear Single Mom,

Thanks for your question.

While online dating has become very common, and in some cases successful, it’s still the wild frontier, especially in your situation where the two of you live in different countries. We would tread slowly and carefully with this person.

The first red flag is he doesn’t have his picture up with his profile. You say he showed you one after you started chatting, but you do realize he could have shown you a picture of anyone and you wouldn’t have known the difference? That’s not to say it isn’t a picture of him, just that the possibility is there that it’s not.

He’s also said he wants someone younger so he can have his own kids. Has he said anything about your age, or the fact that you already have two kids? Is he interested in taking on the responsibility of being a step-father? You need to have a much more in-depth conversation about this topic. Our sense is he wants someone even younger without kids.

We think you’ve got a lot of talking to do if you’re really going to be serious with this person. You need to find out more about who he is. What are his previous relationships? What does he do for work? Does he have friends? What’s his family like? What are his interests? Where does he stand on religion, politics, etc.? Then, you need to discuss the bigger topics like what you both are looking for in a partner.

We know it’s exciting to start talking with someone new, especially if you’re attracted to them. (At least the picture he showed you.) But at some point you’ll have to actually meet him, and get to know him on a day-to-day basis. And when you do, you’ll have to get to know him all over again. And that’s the biggest drawback with online dating. Sometimes the person you fall for via text, email, or phone, is actually very different from the person you finally meet.

We don’t see a problem with moving forward, but honestly he seems like he’s still out there looking. So if you do decide to keep exploring this, please be careful. You need to get to know him in person before you jump into something more serious, or actually visit him. In fact he should be the one visiting you if he’s truly serious about being in a relationship with you. And when he does, he should probably stay at a hotel or some other place of your choosing just to give you some space from him. (You could have him stay with a guy friend of yours, or a brother or something.)

But our gut tells us he is still surveying the landscape, and still on the lookout.

Best of luck to you,

THE GUYS

ps. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS.

The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Ep43: “Rewind” Super-Sized Hamster Fun. Endings, Excess & Envy

TGP Episode 43: “Rewind”

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The Guys are off this week chasing a little end of the summer fun. So we are rolling out a “Guy’s Perspective Certified Pre-owned Episode”. This beauty has passed our rigorous 142 point inspection and is guaranteed to satisfy. In fact this is our most downloaded episode ever!
Episode 4. Endings, Excess and Envy!

The show in a nutshell:

Ask the Guys: Is it cool to stay close with your ex’s family? The Guys debate that very question.

Father Stories: Sai is held accountable. It seems that all young men have a story similar to this one.

Pet Peeves: Cucch talks about the insidious nature of the letter “W.” Sai spouts off about 110%.
The Meat: Is more better? What is up with our super-sized society?

Youth is Wasted on the Young: Cucch dreams about McDonald’s play places. Sai discusses his love of “Pong.”

Maybe more is better!?

Leave a comment, kick in a few bucks on our paypal link or leave a big five star rating and comment on iTunes. As always thanks so much for your support! We’ll be back with a new episode in two weeks.

Confusion: Is my housemate interested in just sex?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Dear Guys,

I have lived in a shared house for a while now, and recently my house mates have changed—one of them being a man age 28.

We hit it off pretty well and like the same things. The mixed signal part is that when he’s busy drinking, and getting slightly drunk, he’s very flirtatious, and we’ve ended up having sex twice now. But only when he’s in that state; otherwise he doesn’t approach me, apart from in a house mate fashion.

I’m confused as to what that means. Please help!

Deliah

Dear Deliah,

Thanks for your question.

This is actually pretty straightforward. His actions are telling you the answer. When he’s drunk he’s interested in having sex with you, and when he’s sober he reverts back to a business relationship with you.

If you want to view this in hopeful terms you could paint him as a shy guy who needs a little drink to help him come out of his shell. But more likely the alcohol makes him feel randy, and since you are present, available, and willing, he pursues you for sex. We’re not saying he would have sex with anyone who happened to be standing there, but alcohol certainly makes everyone and everything seem attractive.

Our advice is don’t succumb to his advances when he’s been drinking. In fact, you might want to remove yourself from the situation. Either go to your room, or even better, leave the house and go out with friends or something. If this is too difficult, you might want to think about finding some new housemates, or even possibly, a new house to live in.

Even nice guys want sex as much as possible. All guys are wired that way. And when an opportunity presents itself like the one you’re describing, many a guy would seize the moment. It’s easy and fun. We’re not saying it’s right, just that it is. So we hope for the next time you understand that if you’re in a relationship that’s only about sex, it’s more than likely it will always be just about sex.

We wish you the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Feel free to leave us a follow up comment or question.

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Hey There,

I can’t believe I’m emailing you for advice, but I’ve got to get your perspective! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I’m now 33 and he’s 36. We get along amazingly well. No drama, just mostly have fun doing things together (surfing, golfing) and great sex. He has always said from the beginning that marriage is not for him. He had a terrible upbringing through several divorces, not knowing who his real dad is, and has a couple of friends who are in gnarly marriages. That being said, I’ve never pressed the issue because I hadn’t ever needed or wanted the additional commitment. I know he’s committed to me, and I totally trust him and our relationship. We moved in together about 6 months ago, and things are still going just great. For some reason, now I’m struggling with “why fix what’s not broke” with the whole marriage thing, yet I’m feeling like I need something more solid of a commitment rather than just his word of “I’m going to be with you forever.”

Maybe it’s my age? I’m 33 and he’s 36. I just know he will never marry me, and how do I turn my back on such a great relationship over a stupid piece of paper? Is it more than a piece of paper? Is it a more solid, set in stone commitment that I am looking for? Hmmmmm……

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question. We alway get a chuckle when someone writes to us and says, “I can’t believe I’m asking you guys a relationship question.” We understand completely. But sometimes the best way to get an objective opinion is to ask a bunch of strangers. And we also know how difficult it is trying to pry an answer out of a guy friend. So we’re glad you wrote to us.

Every couple handles the issue of marriage differently. Most couples do end up getting married at some point if they stay together a long time. However, some couples happily stay together their entire lives without getting married and it works for them. Other couples break up over this very issue, and others decide to get married later in life when the relationship becomes more complicated due to having kids, buying a home, or changing health.

We guess the answer has less to do with your man, and more to do with you. You guy seems fine with your situation, but you don’t. So the question is why? Are you getting pressure to get married from family or friends? Are you traveling in social circles where you feel awkward because you’re not married? Are you thinking about having children and would like to feel more solid in your standing with him? Or are you really not sure why you feel the way you do, but you know it’s bothering you?

First of all, don’t underestimate what you have currently. From what you describe you’re in a loving relationship with a good man. We can tell you that a lot of people would love to have what you have. We’re not saying you shouldn’t feel how you do, because really, what other people do and think doesn’t really factor into what you’re feeling and doing. But we think it’s important enough to mention if only to give you some perspective on what’s really important in a relationship: love, trust, and good communication.

But having said that we also think you need to bring up the topic; because if he loves you, we would think he would want to know if something was bothering you. But be careful here. You need to plan out what you’re going to say if you decide to bring it up. It can’t be accusatory, or threatening in any way. But it certainly could be brought up within the context of a broader conversation about your future together. For example, it could be part of: What happens if/when we have kids? What happens when we’re older, or buy a home together?

We won’t lie to you. We believe the vow of marriage does bring another level of commitment to a relationship. Even just planning the actual wedding day and then following through with the ceremony, ups the ante. Of course the divorce rate is still ridiculously high at close to 50%, so marriage is no guarantee of forever. But it does mean something more than just a piece of paper.

In the end you need to figure out what you need, and then make a decision. First figure out what is the real problem. Is it not getting married? Or are there other possible divisions between the two of you? We think you really need to figure out why you feel the way you do. Once you’ve done that, it will be clearer how to move forward. This could be an easy problem to resolve, or it could be far more complicated than you think. Do some soul searching, and really get to the bottom of this.

Also, people change their minds over the course of their lives. Your man might have said what he said before he was involved with you, but maybe he feels differently now? Just because he has friends who aren’t in great relationships and he grew up in a broken home doesn’t necessarily mean he shouldn’t get married. Many people with similar experiences happily jump into marriage vowing to do things differently than their parents or friends. Have you talked about it with him? Or are you afraid to bring it up for fear it could rock the boat? If so, then it actually might be an issue. Because if your relationship is tenuous enough to be changed by this conversation, what happens when something else big comes up? (Something will at some point) There shouldn’t be any topic that is taboo if you truly have a trusting, loving relationship.

One final note: Breaking up with someone you love over a “piece of paper” as you call it, does seem excessive, but people have broken up for much simpler reasons than that. We will say if getting married is something you need in order to feel “secure” in this relationship, it’s something that needs examining; because that feeling isn’t going to go away anytime soon.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question.

Am I being played again?

Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Other questions on “Getting Played”

Different Cultures; is he more than a friend, less than a lover?

Did I get played by this girl? and The Party Guy

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Guys,

Okay so for some reason, the guys I am interested in always end up playing me. I notice when this happens usually I am the one initiating things. Such as, asking if they’d like to hang out after meeting them a few times. From there I end up falling for them. Our “hang outs” seem too good to be true. Then something happens.

1. He says he’s not looking for anything but wonders if it’s cool if we keeping “doing what we’re doing”.

2. I decide he needs to contact me the next time and he never does. Sometimes even getting a girlfriend soon after.

Well this pattern has seemed to be a reoccurring theme recently. Am I prone to bad luck or what? Am I doing something wrong? Now there’s this one guy.. He’s different, but possibly the same. There’s definitely a connection though. We’ve met a few times. I asked if he’d like to hang out. He agreed. I had a great time and supposedly he did too. We talked quite a bit. I thought I got a lot of hints that he liked me. First he asked if I had a boy friend. (I didn’t of course).Then our past relationships came up briefly. I kept it short saying I felt I deserved better. He replied saying, “You never know, something better might be standing right in front of you.” He leaned in slowly and kissed my cheek when we said our goodbyes, giving me a few firm hugs. I need advice! I’m scared to get feelings for a guy then have him hurt me again.

How do I know if he’s interested? Or how do I keep him interested?

Thank you so much,

Rachelle
(Btw I’m 19 years old, going on 20)

Dear Rachelle,

Thanks for your question. We realized you asked us the question in early July, which means your current situation has probably changed one way or another. However, we thought your question was a good one because many young women might be grappling with the same issue.

From the get go, you might want to let the guy be the one to take the initiative. (We think you know this.) We realize that taking the initiative gives you some control, but once you pursue a guy you’ve now handed him all the power, which ironically leads to less control as the relationship progresses. And at least at the beginning, when things are very uncertain how they might play out, you might want to sit on your “hands” and wait for the guy to ask you out. Yes, this might be difficult for you since you’re a take charge kind of girl, but it’s the right way to go. Also, if a guy asks you out then you’ll know he’s interested in you.

We’re not advocating game playing in your relationships. However, at the beginning, there is no relationship. It’s just you and the guy, and a world of unknowns. Who is this guy? What is he like? Will we get along? Do we have common interests? What does he do for work? Is he caring, kind, compassionate, smart? Does he want kids? What’s his family like? Will they like me? When will I meet his friends? Does he have any friends? Is he good in bed? The questions go on and on, but believe us he’s wondering the same things about you if he’s interested.

So Rachelle, you’re not prone to bad luck. There’s nothing wrong with you, except you’re a bit too eager. You need to let things unfold more organically, and let the guy make the first move, and maybe even the second, third, and fourth! But don’t change who you are. If the guys you’re dating keep playing you, or making you feel insecure, then it’s more likely you’re dating the wrong type of guy. Just take a deep breath, relax and be yourself. That’s the most attractive quality anyone can have.

And Rachelle, don’t forget to enjoy yourself.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some other questions to check out:

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Why did we really break up?

Friends with benefits?

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits?

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more?

Booty call or relationship trouble

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

___________________________

Dear Guys,

So I recently started hooking up with this guy. I liked him a little, and told him I wanted to keep things casual before we both start college in the fall. We hooked up one time, and ended up going “all the way.” I was originally not going to text him, but he began texting me and we’ve been talking non-stop. I’ve hung out with his friends, but he will never touch me in front of them. However, once we get into the car, he’ll begin talking to me and he’ll kiss me good night. We’ve gone “all the way” a few times now, and we both know each other really well. I am worried because he stopped texting me, even though he told me how eager he is to see me again in a non-sexual setting. I’m trying to figure out if this means he wants to be more than “friends with benefits,” or are we still only in the “hook up” stage? Keep in mind, we’ve hung out together and not done anything, and we both still have fun. I’m really confused about the state of this relationship

Hilary

Dear Hilary,

Thanks for your question.

Part of the confusion stems from your initial desire to keep things casual before you leave for college. But when you couple that with “hooking up,” which for some someone your age isn’t typically casual, now we’re even a bit confused.

What we’re gathering from your note is that now you’ve decided you like this guy beyond a “friends with benefits” arrangement. And this is the problem with casual “hook ups.” Someone—and often the woman because men still seem to more easily separate the physical from the emotional—starts to get connected emotionally, which leads to a potentially confusing and frustrating situation.

It might be nice to sort this out before you leave for college in a few weeks, but this could be the type of situation where things are up in the air even as you leave for school. A lot is going to happen for both of you in the next 9 months. And since things are already unclear between the two of you, maybe you should revert back to a platonic relationship with him so you can keep yourself open to new possibilities as you enter school. There ARE couples that stay together all throughout college, but those couples are rare, and usually have a solid foundation in place before they do the long distance dance. More typically, couples split up and explore on their own, and then sometimes reconnect a few years later. We think if people are meant to be together, somehow they’ll end up finding each other again.

If this answer doesn’t help you, then your best bet is to talk to him and try to find out where his head is at. And of course tell him how you’re feeling as well. But since he’s been giving you mixed signals you may not get the answer you’re hoping for.

Good luck on all fronts,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a comment or feel free to ask a follow up question. And let your friends know about us.

___________________________

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Is he into me or not?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Dear Guys,

I met this guy a couple of years ago. We flirted back and forth. I’ve been divorced for a few years. I ran into him in the spring and he told me he had just gotten divorced. We flirted for a couple more months then finally got together for drinks. Unfortunately, the drinks were many and I ended up sleeping with him. We had a couple of dates after that and I thought things were fine. We were trying to get to know each other. Then he leaves town for two months and doesn’t call, text, email or anything. Upon returning to town he sends me an email and says he really likes me, but he has a lot going on. I left it at that. (We see eachother a lot at a mutual work site.) I have been friendly and he seems to seek me out. He has been flirtatious and texts on occasion. I have tried to let him know that I’m still interested. Some days he seems into me and others he completely ignores me. I don’t know whether to wait it out or move on to the next.

Anne

Dear Anne,

Thanks for your question.

Your guy seems all over the place. And maybe that’s exactly where he needs to be since you mentioned he just got divorced. In our minds the question isn’t whether he’s into you—we think he is, at least physically—but more whether or not he’s actually ready to be in a committed relationship so soon after splitting up with his ex-wife.

As you know Anne, relationships have as much to do with timing as they do with chemistry. The two of you have the chemistry but we’re not so sure about the timing. And if he just wants to be single right now but he senses you want more, that could be the reason he’s playing it cool, and sending you mixed signals. That doesn’t mean it might not work out at some point down the road, but if it does it will be a long drawn-out process, that will likely be emotionally draining, and leave you exhausted and possibly resentful.

Let’s take a look at his actions for a moment. People who want to be committed to someone don’t leave town for a few months without keeping in close contact. Your guy basically disappeared and did whatever he pleased without worrying about how his actions affected you or anyone else. While we don’t condone his behavior if he were in a committed relationship with you, we also understand where he’s at. Depending on how his divorce ended, or how the preceding years played out, he probably needs to be free from any sort of commitment. And it’s likely, at least for the next few years, he wants to be single, play the field, and reacquaint himself with his former self.

So where does that leave you?

You have three choices.

1. You can just wait and see if he comes around, and continue on with how it’s going. If you’re fine with a casual, flirtatious type of relationship, with the occasional hookup, this scenario will work for you. But it’s likely you’ll just be more frustrated as the months go by.

2. You can move on and put yourself out there in the dating world. You never know what cool person is around the corner. And honestly we don’t think your guy is ready to be with anyone seriously.

3. Or you can tell him how you feel and try to find out where his head’s at. We understand you don’t want to pressure him, but if you really think he’s worth it, and you really have no idea where he’s coming from, this will at least give you some answers. It doesn’t seem like there’s much to lose since all you’re doing right now is flirting with each other.

We hope this helps. Please feel free to leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question. (Leave in comments section.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us.

Long distance relationship: push and pull

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Dear Guys,

Ok, So I met this guy who’s 31—I’m 35. We met out in San Francisco in early March 2011. I live in Atlanta. I met him through a friend and from the very moment we met he pursued me heavily. Even when I got back home from SF he was texting me wanting attention, answers, and basically asking me if he had a chance. I basically decided to go for it. We continued this affair through Skype (ALOT), hundreds of texts, pictures, phone calls, etc. for months. I planned a trip for him to see me in Atlanta for three days. The trip went well, but upon his return he slowly started getting cold feet, stating the reality was getting to him. Anyway, this is after 2 months.

We continued the relationship but he stated he wasn’t sure if he was ready, but was still open to the idea. I booked yet another trip to SF and flew out there 3 weeks later after his visit. This time it was for 5 days just with him. I will have to be honest, he’s very warm, sweet, and inexperienced in the relationship dept. He wanted to make me happy, impress me, take me out on trips, etc. There was a lot of sex. I mean a lot. But also with other activities included. It was wonderful, but I was a little out of my comfort zone and started noticing him freezing up the last day, not wanting to hold my hand and not really expressing himself.

On my plane ride back he basically told me he wasn’t feeling it. That day a lot of drinking was done and I was a little edgy. When I came back, I was angry and hurt. He was basically trying to cut ties with me. Through the next three weeks, we ended up speaking again and he basically said to me that he had deep insecurities, and that I could do so much better than him, and he was in a different place in his life. That he hasn’t achieved much and he had un-resolved anger. That he could see me getting hurt down the road. The letter was heartfelt and sincere and I can see he has some issues to work through. I continued to talk to him for 45 days and tried to get close!

But the entire time has been push and pull. Hot and cold. He said he has feelings for me and doesn’t know what it is when he’s around me, but something makes him feel wonderful, he misses me, wants to see me. Then the next day he pulls back but continues to text, call late night. I get angry and start getting hurt but ask him to come visit again. He says we shall see… Never does, and always has an excuse. He just basically seems confused and back and forth and conflicted, yet won’t let go. I have decided to fly back out to San Francisco to visit a friend and he TRULY wants to see me, saying it would be a “dream” to have me and see me. Yada, Yada, How wonderful. Yet, he’s said four days prior he’s not ready.

Ok, I am not ready to give up on him. But what is he doing? How should I go about this? What is he trying to say? I am very independent, pretty female that took a risk on someone that doesn’t do as well financially, nor quite mature in some regards but he carries such a warm space in my heart. I need to know how to win him and to get him on the track of this long distance thing in hopes for us to be together and come home to one another eventually. It’s not easy, but so far we are going on five months. It will be six by my next visit.

THANK YOU FOR listening. I’m trying to stick to actualities and facts. I do have very strong feelings for him or I wouldn’t be writing all of this, right?

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Thanks for your question. We got to it as quickly as we could. Sorry for the delay.

We think you really need to look at his actions, not his words Jennifer. What you’re describing is a common pattern among men when it comes to long distance relationships. We’re not saying all men are like this, but certainly enough to label it as a pattern.

Here’s how it goes:

Before the actual visit the guy is excited for you to come. He texts. He calls. He romances. He’s involved. He’s present. All of these actions and feelings are genuine, but often misplaced. We say misplaced, because the origins of some of these actions are sex based. Meaning, the anticipation of the upcoming sex is enough to fuel much of his pre-visit actions. Is it all about sex? Not necessarily, but it’s a big factor for guys.

Now the actual visit. It starts off great. Lots of fun. Lots of sex. He’s excited. All is well. But as the visit goes on, it becomes less about sex, and more about a relationship, and so reality hits for the guy, and that’s when he starts thinking with his actual head. And for many guys, the reality is very different than the fantasy, so he begins to question if he wants it or not.

By the time the visit comes to an end, the guy is distant and he’s already trying to figure out his exit plan. He starts blaming it on himself. Telling you there’s something wrong with him, most likely because he doesn’t want to hurt you, or he doesn’t want any drama. By the time you leave, he’s already got one foot out the door, and he’s managed to confuse you beyond belief. You say, “How can he want me so much, but then not want me?” Our answer: He can. Trust us.

So then you leave, and for the next few weeks, he remains distant, uncommunicative, uninterested. Then he starts thinking about sex again, maybe two or three weeks after you leave, and he starts associating you with all the fun he had, and all of a sudden he starts reconsidering his previous actions. The next thing you know he’s calling again, texting you, and missing you.

Then the cycle begins again.

This is exactly what you’re describing Jennifer. It’s possible he could come around, but we’re just saying: Tread carefully here because we’re concerned you’re going to get hurt repeatedly based on what you’re describing.

Good luck and take care,

THE GUYS

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Where is this relationship going?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Dear Guys,

I have two dilemmas.

1st Dilemma.
I’ve been hanging out with a guy for a couple months now. We both have busy and somewhat opposite schedules, so we end up hanging out late at night or at the end/beginning of our shifts.We see each other once, maybe twice tops a week. We’ve gone on dates and hooked up but have never spent the night at each other’s places. It could be 3 am but he will always go home or drive me home because he has to work early, which I understand. (Usually people in a relationship just sleep over.) When I date someone I am used to talking to them regularly and having a normal routine so to speak. We don’t.

2nd Dilemma:
I am really bad at communicating my feelings face-to-face and tend to bottle them in my head and I get easily frustrated and can get crazy girl mode on him. I feel badly because he always gives me the opportunity to express myself when we’re together but I freeze up and can never think of what I want to say on the spot.

Please help me get over this “relationship” & “communication” anxiety.

Am I just wasting my time with this guy??

Janice

Dear Janice,

Thanks for your question.

So when you say you freeze up, is this after he expresses how he feels about you? Or do you want to tell him how you feel but are afraid to because you’re not sure how he feels? The two are very different.

Lots of people are scared about communicating their feelings. It’s normal. So don’t be so hard on yourself. If he was continually telling you he cares for you, we can’t see any reason you wouldn’t tell him how you feel about him. But if he’s being closed, and not communicating his feelings, it totally makes sense for you to be bottled up and not want to reveal your true feelings. Sometimes that feeling of anxiety has more to do with the overall situation than it has to do with the individuals involved. And in your case, we think the uncertainty of the relationship is contributing to your anxiety.

Here’s your real dilemma: One of you is going to have to take the risk and talk about this. Otherwise you’re going to be in this perpetual state of limbo, where you see each other late at night, hook up, but never see the light of day together like “normal” couples do. We understand your work schedules don’t jive, but if this goes on the way it’s going, what you’re really describing is a booty call situation, where he’s kind of getting what he wants, but you’re not. And we’re pretty sure that’s not what you’re looking for with this man.

We don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to bring up the topic. You don’t necessarily have to reveal how you feel if you’re not comfortable doing that, but you could make a joke and ask him if you’re ever going to see him during the day, and maybe go out on a proper date. It’s possibly he just needs some prompting in order for him to move forward.

If it turns out he’s not interested in anything more than what’s going on now, at least you’ll have all the information you need in order to make an informed decision about what you ultimately want.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question. (In the comments section) And be sure to let your friends know about us.

Long distance relationship: Trying again

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Hey guys, (Sorry in advance for my long message!)

I met this guy almost a year ago online. We soon started talking and it developed into cyber-romance of sorts. A few months ago we decided to meet up after I told him I would be vacationing in a city near where he lived. We met up, had an amazing time, got intimate, and decided that once I went back home we would try a long-distance relationship. During that time, I applied to a study abroad program to be closer to him. Then things got…interesting.

We started arguing, over various things; his work is very high-stress and that may have contributed, but certain misunderstandings and insecurities started manifesting, and eventually we decided it might be best to end our relationship. It was his decision, and although it hurt me, I saw that it was probably the best thing since at this point it seemed to be all negative with very little positive to balance it out. Although we were very happy when I was there, the positives didn’t seem to be around quite so much when I wasn’t.

We’re still friends, and perhaps due to the experience, are closer than ever. I recently got accepted into one of the study abroad programs I had applied to (what timing, eh?) and I’ve decided to go: partially because I still care for him and partially because it’s always been a dream of mine.

I’m just a bit confused because, since I’ve told him I’m going, he’s been showing some signs that he might like to try again. We talk every day (we never stopped talking every day) and he has expressed that he’s not over me and for some reason can’t seem to get over me. He’s made various long-term plans with me, and confides in me more than he does anyone else. (He’s very closed-off with most people). There have been times when he’s admitted we’re more than just friends, and yet there are also times when he assures me we’re just friends. We’re still very attracted to each other and recently when we were having a discussion he said, “Why didn’t we work better than we did?” I explained my thoughts on it and then asked what he thought, and he said, “I think some day we’ll work it out. We just have to let it happen naturally. We can’t force it or it’ll ruin what we have and I don’t want that.”

I see that he cares about me and I still very much care for him, but I don’t know the extent or the sort of feelings he has. He’s very much a “head over heart” type of guy and expressed that he won’t allow himself to give me another chance at this time because he’s afraid of being hurt; but he also tells me constantly that he doesn’t know what will happen when I’m closer to his vicinity.

Maybe I sound a little pathetic, but I thought maybe you guys could help me out and give me a little male insight.

Thanks

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your question. You don’t sound pathetic at all. In fact you seem like an intelligent and intuitive young lady.

Long distance relationships seem to amplify every insecurity and fear two people have. (As you know) Some people are able to suppress these emotions as they crop up and focus on the bigger picture. (You seem to fall into that category.) Other people are not able to. (Your Guy) It’s clear the long distance piece of the relationship was too straining on your guy. It made him feel out of control, so he ended it.

Relationships are hard enough, but without a solid foundation of day-to-day, face-to-face time, they’re even more difficult. You conducted 95% of your relationship online before you met in person, so we can see how this was difficult to make the leap to a long distance relationship.

From what you describe your guy is definitely still interested. It’s clear he’s attracted to you, and you’ve said there’s strong chemistry between the two of you. Sure he’s giving you mixed signals but mainly because he’s not sure how it will be when you live nearby, since most of your relationship has been via email, text, or phone. And he’s nervous. You’re just going to have to wait and see, but we think it’s a very good possibility he’ll be ready to give it another shot shortly after you arrive.

The best thing you can do is be open to possibility, and make it clear to him that he can trust you emotionally. We realize it’s hard to open yourself up because it’s easier to get hurt if it doesn’t work out, but it’s really the only way to move forward in any relationship.

And please keep us posted with a follow up comment or question.

THE GUYS

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Getting back together: Is it possible?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Hey Guys,

I went out with this guy for almost a year and a half. About a month ago I broke up with him because he was getting a little to serious for 8th grade. We both have gone out with other people since then but both of our new relationships haven’t worked out. Now we are in the same summer school course and all my friends say that it’s a possibility we could get back together. And I am absolutely head over heels for him, but I dont know if he is into me. I’ve caught him looking at me once or twice. I’ve also been walking home with him, but when we talk it’s kinda casual talk. However, when his friend walk with us he kind of ignores me and he doesn’t really talk to me in class either. I don’t know what to do because I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him. But I don’t know if he likes me. I can’t read his actions.

Please help me understand how he feels about me and if it’s a possibility to get back together with him

Thank you,

Angel

Dear Angel,

Thanks for your question. We’ll do our best to help you figure this out, although without actually being there it’s hard to say for sure what’s going on.

Let us understand something first: You broke up with him because he was getting too serious for 8th grade? But now, after a little break, you find yourself in love with him again, which sounds pretty serious to us. We’re just wondering if something’s changed for you? If and when you get back together, are you going to all of a sudden decide it’s too serious again and break up with him again? Or do you think you’ve reached a new level of maturity and understanding about relationships?

Your instincts are right. Eighth grade is a bit young to be intensely serious about someone. We think it’s a good time for exploration. A time to try out different “outfits” and see which one fits best. We’re not saying it’s too young to be in love, but at your age, love comes and goes so quickly, it’s hard to define really.

But let’s get back to your question. It’s likely he’s still into you, since you were the one who broke up with him. Trust your gut. Listen to your friends. You would know better than us what his “looks” actually mean. (Check out our videos on these very topics. See our video page.)

However, if he’s only looking at you and acting casual, it might be that he’s gun shy since he doesn’t know where you stand. You might have to take some initiative and make it obvious to him that you’re interested again. Eighth grade male egos are very fragile, and you’ve already wounded him once, so he’s protecting himself.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Was breaking up with him the right thing to do?

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We understand that many of your questions are pressing, and need answering ASAP. For those people who would like their question answered within 1-3 days, we encourage you to send us a donation to move your question to the top of the queue. If you’re not sure how much to donate, give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you. (Use the PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site. It’s the easiest and safest way for you AND us. It does require you signing up for PayPal, which is a good thing to have if you’re purchasing on the web.)

Otherwise we currently have a three to five week wait for questions to be answered. We still try to answer all questions, but it’s impossible to get to every one of them. And keep in mind that all questions accompanied by a donation move in front of all other questions, which means the delay might get longer.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.) Or on our podcast.

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Long distance relationship: Visiting issue

Break up: Will he come back?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.

Dear Guys,

I recently broke up with this guy for many reasons, but I still have the urge to go back to him even though all my friends don’t like him. I’m 21 and he’s 25. We dated for almost a year and during that time he never introduced me to his friends, but always saying he eventually would. (And since I couldn’t be out later at night it was hard because they always met up so late.) He would also ignore me for days when he didn’t want to tell me something. He didn’t show up to my birthday party or wish me a ‘Happy Birthday.’ And when I tried to break it off he said he was scared to tell me he couldn’t make it to my party which I had told him about weeks in advance. And then he asked me for another chance and said he would never ignore me again; and he said he would change because I meant a lot to him.

Well things were good for the first two weeks but a month later he was ignoring me again for no reason and this time I texted him and ended things. He had always told me that I was different from any other girl he dated and he was learning from his mistakes. But how long do I keep giving him a chance?

Is it true, that if he really cared he would come back, or am I just holding on to false hope that he ever did care?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry about your situation. Break ups are difficult, especially if you’re questioning whether or not you did the right thing.

First of all it’s important to listen to your friends. If all of them are saying the same thing, that should tell you something. Remember, if they are truly good friends they want the best for you, which means they want you to be happy. If you meet some great guy in the future, it’s likely your friends will be excited for you, and do what they can to support you. Sure, they might get jealous initially because a new person in your life means they’ll have less time with you. But eventually they will come around when they realize how happy you are. But that’s not what’s going on here. They universally don’t like this guy, and that’s a big red flag. (You should watch our video on this topic. “Listen to your friends” See our Video Page)

Another red flag is the fact that he ignores you. How does it make you feel? Ignoring you puts him in a position of power and gives him control over you. And it’s no way to behave in a relationship. In fact we can’t think of anything more upsetting AND maddening than being ignored, and not being listened to. It’s one thing to not return a phone call because work is crazy, and your boss is on your case. It’s another thing to return calls or texts only when you feel like it. Maybe this guy is learning from his mistakes, but in our book, this is Common Sense 101. Communication is so important in any relationship, and your guy has a long way to go in this department.

We’ve gotten several questions over the past year involving a situation where one person in the relationship was not being introduced to family and friends of the other person. And what we’ve said is: Anyone who’s excited about their boyfriend or girlfriend should be shouting about the new relationship from the rooftops. Which means, we can’t think of any good reason for your guy NOT to be introducing you to his friends and family. Going out late is not an excuse. In fact, taking this a step further, we’d think he’d want to elicit his friends’ opinions about you if he was serious about the relationship. So Jessica, we hope this might give you some sense of his level of commitment to you and your relationship.

We can’t tell you what you should do, but we hope this gives you a clearer, more objective viewpoint of your situation.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Break up: Will he come back?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy (Just went up today!)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a three to four week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Long distance relationship: Visiting issue

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating someone for the past one and a half years. We are 25 and 27. Our relationship was very good and our bond was solid; we were always very happy together. After one year together, I discussed with him the possibility of moving our relationship forward in the next one to three years. It was like pulling teeth. My feelings turned to resentment after many months. Finally, he decided to try counseling to see why he was so afraid of commitment even though he loves me.

I broke up with him last month after I couldn’t take it anymore. Two weeks later he comes back asking for more time. I give it to him. One month later, he tells me he still couldn’t come to terms with marriage and so here I am now.

I’m so upset I haven’t talked to him because it will make me feel worse. I know he wants to be friends. What should I do? I love this man and thought he was the one I’d spend forever with. Part of me says to cut ties but the other part says there are so many people that get back together down the road, maybe that’ll be us, so I should stay friends.

What are the chances of reconciliation? After all, we did not break up because we don’t love each other anymore. Help!

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.

We think his actions speak louder than his words. We don’t doubt he cares a lot about you. We’re sure you’ve shared a lot of great times in the last few years, but clearly something was missing for him, or he would have been excited to move forward with you.

People sometimes get back together down the road, but not too often; and if they do, it’s usually many, many years down the road, when people have matured, evolved, and almost become different people. But most of the time, after a painful few months—and sometimes a bit longer—people go on to live their own lives, finding new love and possibility.

We think your best plan Sandy is to let yourself grieve, and then start to move on. You might have thought this guy was the man of your dreams, but our sense is, when it came down to it, he didn’t feel the same way. Clearly there’s something he isn’t telling you. Or maybe there isn’t anything to tell you beyond the bottom line: His gut tells him something is missing for him.

Even though this may be difficult to hear, but we think you ultimately want a man who loves you the way you love him, and who is just as excited at the prospect of spending his life with you, as you are with him. Because as you know, without this reciprocation, resentment and anger will likely flourish and that’s no foundation to build a relationship from.

We have faith that all of this will work out for you Sandy. Hang in there. And when you do find the right person for you, you probably won’t have to even have a discussion about moving forward; our guess is it will just happen naturally.

All the best,

THE GUYS

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DTR talk required: I’d like to “Define the Relationship”

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy (Just went up today!)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

He moved out: What should I do?

Long distance relationship: Visiting issue

Hi Guys,

I am in desperate need of an opinion here…

I’ve known this guy for years now. We used to have sex three years ago. We would go for a coffee, swimming, etc. But then we stopped seeing each other.

Three months ago we reconnected. We went for long runs, went swimming, practiced yoga, went for dinner, and breakfast. He took me sailing with his dad and best friend. After that we met again, he cooked dinner and we ended up having sex.

Now we get together and end up having sex. I’ll stay at his place, then he’ll take me to work in the morning.

Last week I met his other best friend…The thing is that he doesn’t contact me much—just a few texts. He takes like an average of five hours to reply to an text. At this point—a month after we had sex for the “first” time— I am wondering whether I am just a booty call or whether we should have the DTR talk..

Maria

Dear Maria,

Thanks for your question. We are embarrassed to say we had to look up DTR to see what it stood for. Although we learned of 25 different possible answers we’re assuming it means: Define the Relationship.

If you’ve had sex with him, why can’t you have the DTR conversation? You’ve already been intimate with him, so we see no reason not to at least get a clearer sense about where you stand with him, and what he wants out of your relationship.

Clearly you want more, so it seems important to know if the two of you are on the same page. If not, we’d say it’s time for you to MOTSE: move on to someone else. Unless you’re happy being the BC: Booty call.

Also, you’ve been on and off for three years now. If something serious were going to happen between the two of you, we’re wondering why it hasn’t already. So yes, it’s time for the talk. It may not work out, but at least you won’t be left wondering.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on You Tube.

Long distance relationship: visiting issue

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy (Just went up today!)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

He moved out: What should I do?

Hi Guys,

My boyfriend and I attend the same University but during the summer we go our separate ways back home. It’s a 9 hour drive or 1.5 hour plane flight.

Although he admitted to me that he had been attracted to me the first time he saw me in class, it wasn’t until a few weeks before the year ended that we had a mutual friend set us up for a date. There was immediate chemistry and we fell head over heels, spending every day together for three weeks until we had to go home for summer.

After a few weeks of our long distance summer relationship we decided it’d be great if I went to visit him in July. And since my parents were totally cool with it, I bought the plane ticket and now had a date to look forward to all summer.

The whole time he was at the University for spring term he texted and called me every day. When he went home, it all stopped and I was lucky to get one a day. I got insecure and became angry at the sudden change and he said it was because he only had two months to spend with his parents and we’d have plenty of time during the fall and winter semester together—but his feelings hadn’t changed. He felt bad for making me feel insecure and pleaded for me to still come visit him.

He seems pretty busy all of a sudden. Should I call off this trip that’s supposed to happen in a few weeks? We miss each other but maybe giving each other summers will be more beneficial. How bad could two more months be?

Megan

Dear Megan,

Thanks for your question. You may have already gone on your trip—or not—since you wrote to us a month ago. But if not we think you should go. There’s no reason not to really. (If you already went, how was it? Please give us the update.)

We can see how you’d feel a bit insecure since your connection with him changed so dramatically after you both got home for the summer. Long distance relationships are tough because they require even more trust, fortitude, and commitment than “normal” relationships. Since you only had three weeks to really get to know each other, we can see how the two of you wouldn’t be prepared for the unenviable separation for three months.

In case you find yourself in the same position next summer, here are a few suggestions.

It seems the two of you could benefit from a conversation before school ends next year, at which point you need to discuss how you’re going to conduct the relationship while the two of you are separated by distance. Both his viewpoint and your viewpoint seem reasonable and logical. He wants to spend more time with his family, and knows you’ll be seeing each other soon enough in the fall. You feel you want to keep the strong connection going over the summer by talking or texting often. The two of you need to find a common ground that works for both of you. A compromise. Maybe you agree upon a set number for the amount of times you’re going to talk each day? This might include text messages, phone calls, emails, and Facebook. Let’s say you decide to “talk” three times during each day. You could try it for a month and see how it goes, and then modify it if one of you feels it’s not working.

You also need to decide how many times you’ll visit each other over the summer. Once? Twice? None? (Please discuss cost of the flights as well. This may seem petty, but believe us, it doesn’t take much in this kind of situation.)

With any relationship, communication is the key to making it work over a long period of time. But a long distance relationship requires even more communication, because you can’t rely on seeing the person to keep the connection strong. And without being able to reassure one another face-to-face, often little things can be misinterpreted, and sometimes blown out of proportion. It’s all about talking, which is why many relationship can’t withstand the weight of long distance.

THE GUYS

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Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Dating a younger guy

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Dating a Younger Guy

(Read the script while you watch) Is that even possible??

Younger guys have enthusiasm, where older guys have experience, and as we guys say, enthusiasm often trumps experience. Because who doesn’t want a partner that’s up for anything, and willing to just give it a shot, go with the flow; someone who throws him or herself into every activity with zest and full attention. That’s what you get when you choose enthusiasm over experience. Guys certainly apply this theory, because a person can be hot as all get out on the outside, and frigid as a frozen signpost on the inside. And what person in their right mind wants to put their tongue on a frozen signpost? But we digress.

Yes, enthusiasm is malleable. It can be shaped, molded, and taught. It can be sent on a bevy of errands such as: buying groceries at the store, picking up dinner, taking the dog for a walk, and fetching motrin at 3 in the morning. And in addition, enthusiasm doesn’t complain much because it’s just happy to be there. It’s happy to take part in whatever new experience you have to offer.

So a younger guy is good, but not too young of course. Please make sure your young guy is old enough not to refer to you as his Mrs. Robinson.

If you’re a single mom with kids, and currently dating a younger guy in his twenties—or at least contemplaing it— beware. He’s probably not there for the long haul, even if he’s willing to get down on all fours with your kids, and play in the mud. Because bedding a hot older woman is on the top five of every guy’s fantasy list, especially if he can play with YOU on all fours. And the minute he’s able to cross you off his fantasy list, he’ll move on to threesomes—hopefully with two women—and then the alluring and powerful dominatrix. Unless of course you’re able to cover the gammut. Then he’s there as long as you can keep it up. Kidding. Kind of. No seriously kidding. Not really.

Overall, dating a younger guy, which means someone at least five years younger than you, is a good thing to try. And once you do, you can cross this off YOUR list, and head on to some of the greater challenges and goals you might have, like bedding a professional athlete, a porn star, or the short bald older guy with a huge, um, wallet.

Until next time, This is the Younger Guy’s Perspective.

THE GUYS

Friends with the opposite sex: Am I just jealous?

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He moved out: What should I do?

Hi guys!

My boyfriend has a friend of the opposite sex that I don’t particularly care for. She is the ex of one of his friends. He says they never hang out alone and that he sees her as a tomboy. When I finally met her she snubbed me. We all went out to eat and she sat right across from me and didn’t say a word to me. After that I didn’t bother to try to get to know her. I told my boyfriend how I felt and he just said I was overreacting. He’s upfront about her and tells me everything. It’s just so annoying that she texts him all the time and tries to do stuff with him—without me of course. She is now pregnant and texts him everything about her pregnancy even when her water broke. It just seems too much and I don’t get why she tries to always get my boyfriend’s attention, especially when she has a boyfriend of her own.

When I confront my boyfriend he says I’m crazy and he always defends her instead of understanding where I am coming from. It’s not like they were friends before we started dating. They started hanging out because they hang out in the same crowd and she got his number from someone and they have bee texting ever since. I know of this girl and she’s not the most faithful in relationships, so it makes me even more skeptical.

Am I just jealous of this girl? Should I confront her? I don’t know what to do.

Dri

Dri,

Thanks for your question.

No you should not confront her. But you should sit down with your boyfriend and have a heart-to-heart with him. You may, or may not be overreacting, but that’s not for him to decide. The two of you need to talk this through.

Clearly she has some kind of interest in him, but still that has nothing to do with you. You have no control over her, and nor should you waste your energy trying to exert control over her. This has more to do with your own relationship. Your boyfriend should be trying to reassure you that all is well, rather than making light of it. (Although, if jealousy is a pattern with you, that’s a different story. We’re assuming no, as we answer your question.)

We believe people in relationships can have friends of the opposite sex, and in fact we encourage it. The world is too interesting a place to restrict yourself to 50% of the population. However there are a few rules that apply, and your boyfriend may be crossing the line.

We’re speaking to all the boyfriends and girlfriends out there:

1. Never put your friend in front of your boyfriend/girlfriend.

2. Doing activities that are typically reserved for your boyfriend/girlfriend are a no, no. (Dinner, Movies) Unless it’s been discussed ahead of time and everyone is on the same page and okay with it.

3. There should never be any type of hidden conversation going on, or other secrets. And constant texting seems a bit much.

4. If your friend is actually hoping a romantic relationship might develop, then it’s time to pull the plug on the friendship, or at discuss the boundaries.

5. You need to reassure your partner that nothing funny is going on.

6. Your friendship has to feel comfortable for everyone involved.

(Of course some partners will be jealous no matter what is going on. If that’s the case, it could be the partner’s issues.)

One last thought: We also wonder what her boyfriend thinks about her texting some other guy constantly, since she is pregnant with their child? She is definitely crossing the line as well. But once again, that’s something she and her boyfriend have to figure out. You should focus on your relationship.

We hope this puts things in perspective for you Dria.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Dear Guys,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years now. We kind of separated a year ago—I mean he moved all his stuff out but continues to stay here. He moved his things to his aunt’s house. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but he doesn’t want to move back. He has changed dramatically. He used to be attentive and affectionate and into me, but now he’s distant and doesn’t want to go out and doesn’t want anyone to know we are still together.

I have given ultimatums but it doesnt affect him. I ignore him by not letting him come over and that still does nothing. He claims there is no one else, which I believe because he’s here all the time and sleeps here every night. (When I allow it.) I love him and wish things could be as they were before. He says he’s confused and needs to get his life together, but is doing nothing to make that happen. He used to do so much for me before and now it’s as if he doesn’t care. I still cook and do things for him and show him affection but I don’t get it in return. Should I let him go or wait until he gets over this phase?

BTW I’m 41 and he’s 29. I was in a long marriage and single for years after that. I have a career and know what I want. He’s never been married but has a son and was in a relationship but he has no career. He basically lives paycheck to paycheck and has a lot of debt. That depresses him.

Josephine

Dear Josephine,

Thanks for your question.

We think he’s feeling a bit inadequate next to you. Let’s face it, you’re a competent 41 year old woman who’s comfortable in her own skin, has a job, owns a house, and has clear goals. He’s a 29 yr. old guy, overwhelmed by his responsibilities, and not sure how to proceed with his life. This is a daunting disparity, and one he’s trying to come to grips with. We also think he might be questioning your age difference in general, even if he doesn’t admit it.

Guys like to feel needed. We are born to be providers. We want to know we have value, and a solid role in our households. Your guy is unclear on what his role is with you. He is pretty much saying he needs to figure things out in order to be with you, or anyone for that matter. Maybe you could give him some encouragement, and try to help him get his life together. We think the relationship, or what’s left of it, is getting in the way of him moving forward. Why not put things on hold for a bit while he does some soul searching and looks for a steady job? You could provide a support via phone, email, since you still love him and want to see him happy, but maybe no more back and forth at your house.

Space is a good thing for most people. It allows people to take stock, set goals, recharge, and crystallize what’s important to them. Right now, you’re kind of separated and you’re kind of not. You need to do one or the other in order to see the situation for what it is, and if you do that, clarity will likely strike for one, or both of you. At which time you’ll be able to better assess what to do.

One of the comments you mentioned bothered us: When you said he doesn’t want anyone knowing you’re still together. What does that mean? We would think you’d want to be with someone who thinks you’re amazing and wants to tell everyone about you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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My Boyfriend feels like a brother; what should I do?

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Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Hi guys,

I have been together with my boyfriend for six years and I have been feeling for quite some years that my boyfriend is more like a brother to me. I love him so much and I can’t imagine myself not having him in my life anymore, but I don’t love him as a man; I love him as a friend. He is my family and I’m his family but I don’t see him as a man and he doesn’t treat me as a woman. I tried to save the relationship so many times by talking to him about this and even giving him ultimatums, saying I wanted to leave him if he didn’t change etc..

We already had a break for 5 months where we were living under the same roof but we where sleeping in separate rooms. He just doesn’t change anything. He accepts me sleeping in a separate room, everythings seems to be fine for him. In an earlier stage of the relationship, I also discussed about me wanting to have family and get a ring but nothing happened. He says when we will have money we will, but I believe he only uses it as an excuse. I have told him I would be happy to get even the cheapest plastic ring, I just wanted him asking me to marry.

The whole ceremony could wait, even 30 years, but at least I would see if he wanted to commit. Even when we had a six years anniversary, he went to play football with his friends instead of arranging something special with me. His excuse was (as always) the lack of money. But he could have arranged a romantic dinner at home, or given a simple rose to show his affection. I believe that this past events have led me to feel this way about him, especially the sex part. We don’t have sex any more. Before it was a strugle to have the desire for sex. Now it would even feel weird to have sex with him, like having sex with a best friend. I’m turning 30 and he is 34, I think it’s too young to give up on sex and romance.

What’s so confusing is that when I tell him I want to end the relationship he says he loves me and that he wants a future with me. But then it comes to action he doesn’t change even a bit.

Even if I end the relationship, he doesn’t seem to be sad, just a bit hungry for some hours and then he acts like nothing, laughting like nothing happened. Even the fact that we don’t have sex anymore doesn’t bother him. He prefers to not EVER talk about relationship problems.

I get the feeling that he is settling for me though he feels the same brotherly feeling for me, and this is because he seems to think he won’t find somebody attractive. (He has even told me so when we were on a break). That’s another side of the story. He does not feel like a very attractive man, and to tell you the truth, it was not his looks that I fell for in the first place. I’m not a person that sees just the looks. I got in a relationship with him becasue of his inner qualities. On the other hand( not to sound egocentric please) I’m considered very attractive. The sad thing is that I get the feeling that he is still with me because he won’t find any other good looking girl.

What should I do? Am I crazy for feeling this way? Should I break the relationship and try to find love?

Lola

Dear Lola,

Thanks for your question.

The two of you are stuck in a rut. Neither of you want to take the necessary steps to either work on the relationship, or break it off, so you’re in this perpetual state of limbo. However, he seems comfortable with this holding pattern, and you seem bothered by it.

First of all, you’re saying two different things and we’re confused. On the one hand you say you don’t love him as a man, but on the other hand you want him to propose, or at some point you did. That seems confusing to us. You either love him or you don’t. You either want to marry him or you don’t. And what are these ultimatums you’re talking about? Why would you give him an ultimatum if you’re not really sure you love him as a man? This is something you need to sort out Lola. Are you so ready for marriage that you’ll settle for someone you don’t love romantically? Or do you truly love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him? Here are some things to think about.

Don’t downplay friendship when choosing a partner. Some people do marry their friends and are completely happy. But are you one of those people? You mention physical attraction and sex a few times in your note to us. If those pieces of a relationship are important to you—be honest with yourself—you might be frustrated if you stay in your current relationship. If you think you can live without them, maybe you’ll be happy.

It’s also important to ask yourself why he’s with you. Is it because you’re good looking? Or because of other qualities you possess? You seem to think he’s dating you because of your looks only, but then you also say, he sees you only as a friend. Once again you’re saying two different things. Either way the two of you need to have some serious discussions about these issues. And if he’s not willing to talk about the relationship, that’s a red flag in itself. Communication is vital for any healthy relationship.

Finally, it’s odd that the two of you sleep in separate bedrooms. Even if you don’t have sex, being near each other can only bring you closer, and help strengthen emotional connections. What’s going to happen if and when you get married? Will you live in two different houses?

Lola, you have a lot to figure out if you’re going to move forward in this relationship. If it feels like you’re constantly swimming against the current, then maybe it’s time to move on. It does seem like the two of you are moving in different directions. But since you’re such good friends, the two of you should be able to sort this out together.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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College Romance: Confused by his intentions

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Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Hey Guys,

Ok, here is the deal. I have had a crush on this guy for some time now. He doesn’t know, but we are friends and we participate on an athletic team together. I am in college and have never had a serious relationship. I am an extremely nice, open girl. Many people tell me how comfortable I make them feel when we talk. I feel like I am an attractive girl too.

The other night the guy I am crushing on asked what I was doing that night and we ended up watching a movie with another of my girl friends. After the movie, it ended up just him and me talking for about 2-3 hours about things about him and me. He talked about past relationships and what he is looking for in a girl. He also asked about my past relationships and complimented my humor and such. He told me I was a “chill” girl. Surprisingly, that is what he is looking for in a girl.

Why did he tell me all of this? Part of me wanted to say something like, “I kind of like you.” Should I have? What do you think his intentions are? Is he just treating me like a friend or does he see potential in me? I feel like he can be a sort of flirt sometimes and he may not want a girlfriend now.

What do you think?

Bella

Dear Bella,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, he definitely was fishing around to see if he could get any information from you. And of course subtly telling you he’s interested.

Normally we tell people to be open and upfront, but in your case he needs to make his intentions known by asking you out on a proper date, before you let him know how you feel. We realize you’re in college and that a proper date might be meeting at the student center for a cup of coffee, but either way he should be the one making the first move, especially since you say he can be a flirt sometimes. After a few dates if things seem to be progressing in the “right” way, then by all means you should reveal how you feel.

We’re not quite sure what he meant by a “chill” girl. He probably means you’re easy to talk to, and you’re someone who is comfortable in her own skin. Don’t be surprised, and don’t sell yourself short. Guys love an attractive girl, who’s intelligent, and can also hang with the “BOYS.”

Please keep us updated on your situation. Leave us a follow up comment.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Guys,

This happened last year but I’m still upset about it. There was this guy I really liked and we had been talking a lot on Facebook and also texting nearly every day for an entire month. He kept asking me out but I couldn’t because his timing was always bad. But each time I apologized for not being able to go. Then I asked him out and he stood me up.

One day he just suddenly stopped talking to me. It lasted for two weeks and then suddenly he sent me a message on Facebook telling me that he recently got involved with somebody else and he was sorry. I said I was okay with it even though I wasn’t and asked him if we could still be friends and he said it was fine. A week after that I posted a message on his wall basically just to say happy Easter. (Nothing creepy, weird or romantic at all.) And that night he blocked and deleted me off Facebook. I’m confused and am trying to figure out why he did that.

This is not the first time a guy has suddenly stopped talking to me. I feel like I’m cursed because it’s happend SO many times

Dear Jo,

Thanks for your question.

Here’s a likely scenario. He told his new girlfriend about you, and she felt threatened. So he appeased her worry by blocking and deleting you from Facebook. (This may have also been satisfying to him as well since you rejected him so many times.)

We’re not sure why his timing was bad, and why you couldn’t go out with him if you really liked him, but hopefully you’ll be more open next time something like this comes up. Is this a pattern with you? Were you playing hard to get? What’s the deal?

Women might hear that men like the chase, but only to a certain point. After a while we lose interest and focus our attention on something that seems more attainable. It sounds like he may have reached that point with you. It might be something to keep in mind as you go forward. If you really like a guy, try making yourself more available. It might surprise you how well that strategy works.

We’re sorry this didn’t work out for you. And no you’re not cursed.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Help me understand why my boyfriend is on an online dating site

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Dear Friends,

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Thanks again,

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Some recent questions:

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Should I break up with my video game playing boyfriend?

Guys,

My boyfriend and I have only been together for a couple of years now and recently I caught him on a horny match online dating sight. I was shocked and hurt, knowing that the both of our previous partners had cheated and we had always told each other that we would never do that. I know that snooping is never a good thing but I went on his email site to find out that he had registered on an online dating site looking for women. I waited a few days before I confronted him. He said he was looking for something on one of the search engines when the online dating site popped up. He said that he was just curious about what it was and that he wanted to look at naked girls. I told him that was considered cheating. He then apologized to me and now he keeps telling me that he loves me and tries to kiss me and hold my hand, but I am hurt beyond belief . I am head over heels for him and I do want to believe and forgive him but I just can’t get over this.

Please help me understand. Please tell me honestly if I should keep this relationship going. Am I over reacting?

Gina

Dear Gina,

Thanks for your question.

You might be overreacting. You might not be. Let’s try and figure this out.

Looking at naked girls isn’t cheating in our minds, but it sure doesn’t help build trust if he does it without your knowledge. Guys are visual creatures, and we like looking at women. And if we’re being completely honest, we definitely fantasize about the women we’re looking at, especially if we’re attracted to them—the naked part helps a lot with this. We’re not saying he should tell you his every move, but we also don’t think you should be completely unaware of his dalliances.

Basic rule: Guys, whether they’re happy in their relationship or not, will look at nude photos—or more—if they can. Try not to take it personally even though it feels hurtful.

However, it’s an entirely different matter if he was on this online dating site, trolling for women to hook up with. That would be considered cheating in our minds, even if nothing ever happened, and certainly would be cause to question the entire relationship. Because if he’s happy with your relationship he absolutely should not be on an online dating site unless of course he’s doing research for an upcoming article he’s writing, which we doubt.

But one question that’s bothering us is: What made you want to snoop in his email inbox in the first place?

If you haven’t already, you need to sit down with him and talk about this. Find out why he did what he did, and have it be part of a general discussion about your relationship: where it is now, where it’s going, what does he want, what do you want? The best way to handle these types of situations is to gather information and then evaluate after everything is out in the open.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Should I break up with my video game playing boyfriend?

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Dear Friends,

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Some recent questions:

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Dear Guys,

I feel that I am losing feelings for my current boyfriend. There are a couple of issues with our relationship that I have brought up over the past eight months that we do nothing but fight over and get nowhere in the process.

So here is the issue: My boyfriend started playing World of Warcraft eight months ago which took up a lot of his time. I didn’t mind until it started affecting our activity level. He never wants to do anything besides play this game, eat, and watch TV. Of course, I fell into that with him—well, not the video game part. Eventually I wanted to break out of this. I would have to beg, plead and pout to get him to do anything else. Of course it left me feeling completely unsatisfied because he was not happy being out of the house.

I started doing things without him, but I wanted my boyfriend back! He wanted to move across the country, and I decided to move with him even though I felt extremely reluctant and hesitant about making such a big move when I was already not 100% sure about us. He eventually convinced me by saying things would be so different. They were different for the first two weeks, but two months later I am exploring the new area by myself because he is back to his video games. I don’t know anyone in the area, and after several applications for employment, I still haven’t been able to get a job. (Still trying daily though!)

We are also living with one of his buds and they play video games together in separate rooms, and go fishing, and do boy stuff, which is all fine with me, except I’m left by myself. I am trying to rationalize breaking up with him and moving back. I am depressed and unhappy. I wake up miserable every day and not even a shell of the person I used to be a year ago. He keeps telling me I’m going to regret breaking up with him. He says that I should not have any problem with him because he doesn’t go out drinking all the time, doesn’t cheat on me (but he has on all of his past relationships…besides our first month together I’m the first girl he hasn’t cheated on by this point in a relationship), he doesn’t beat me, and he tells me I’m pretty all the time. I congratulate him on being a good person, but surely he is not that naive.

Basically, from a guy’s perspective, is these good reasons for breaking up? Or am I being a tool?

Leslie

Dear Leslie,

Thanks for your question.

So our question to you is: What are you getting out of this relationship?

What strikes us the most are his priorities and where you fall in the mix. Here’s how we see it in descending order.

1. World of War Craft

2. His buddies

3. Other activities and outings.

4. You

In addition, does he really think he should be complimented for not cheating on you, or not beating you? If he thinks those are qualities that make him an attractive boyfriend he’s missing the point. Those are givens and should be assumed with any relationship you are part of. And we’ll be honest, a bunch of us laughed out loud at the absurdity of the statement.

You need to take a hard look at your situation. Don’t sell yourself short and settle for a relationship that doesn’t make you happy. If you are able to get him more invested in your relationship there might be hope, but it may just be the two of you want different things out of life.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Guys,

I’ve been in an off and on relationship for the last eight years. It’s been more on than off until the last year and a half or so and then our “breaks” have lasted a month or two. Every time we split it seems to be something different, but it’s always the same pattern. I think he’s running away from any problems or conflicts we have instead of staying and communicating about it. He pushes me away and says the most hurtful things when we’re ending, and then always comes back and apologizes and says he never meant them, and just needed space to think about what he really wanted.

This most recent time —about a month ago— was the final straw for me. Everything was going well, and then out of nowhere he told me that he needed time to think about whether he was ready to settle down and commit. I asked him if that’s what it really was or if he was interested in another woman. (This has been a problem in the past.) He assured me that it was just pure confusion. This conversation was the last I heard from him.

This week I found out that he’s been seeing someone new for the last 3-4 weeks and thats she’s pretty much living with him in his newly built house that he’s been promising was “ours” the entire time it was being built. He finished it up, ended things with me, and moved in with this new girl.

So then why include me in all the decisions, and talk about kids and puppies if you were never planning on me being there? Why can’t guys just say what they want? If he didn’t want to be with me, why did he keep dragging me in and out of this? I know I played a part in it because I let it happen, but still, does he not have a conscience? Why just disappear for a month without saying I’m finished, and want to move on? Why do guys start new relationships so quickly, if this is even a relationship? Is she a fling or the real deal?

She’s quite a few years younger and I feel like if he’s not ready to commit she’s the perfect escape because she won’t be expecting that yet, and nobody will be pressuring him to settle down with her now. But I don’t get her living with him except for the convenience of a booty call. I’m crushed over this and he doesn’t even seem to care at all. Is he really that heartless and cruel or is this how all guys handle breakups? It seems so cruel and not human to act like this to someone you supposedly cared about for so long and were telling that you love them up until the end.

I know what I need to do at this point but just wanted some insight into what I feel are extremely confusing incidents and actions on his part.

Thanks,

Sam

Dear Sam,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time right now. No one deserves to be treated the way you were treated, but betrayal happens more than you’d expect. And when a person is betrayed by a loved one the hurt is even deeper.

People observing from the outside usually see it coming–this would include family and friends. And honestly, we’re kind of surprised you didn’t see this whole scenario unfolding. Sure, love is blind, and blinding, but after a tumultuous eight years—one filled with many indiscretions on his part: other women—you had to know it wasn’t going to end well.

Guys are certainly guilty of their share of bad break ups but not all guys are like that. It sounds like your guy was already an established cheater, or at least a meanderer, so it only makes sense that his dishonest, and uncaring streak continued with the break up. If he was pursuing other women during the time you were together, he certainly would have no problem making you promises, only to break them later. And the fact that he says hurtful things to you when you separate each time is also a major red flag and a good indicator he’s not someone you can trust.

You say you know what you need to do, but there’s more to think about than moving beyond this relationship. Going forward you need to think about what kept you in this relationship for so long, and how that thinking impacts your next relationship. Because eight years is a long time to put up with uncertainty, indecision, and lies. You don’t want to fall into the same pattern the next time around.

We have faith that you will grow from this sadness, and be a stronger person for it. Break ups are painful, even when people believe it’s the right decision. Hang in there. And know that this man, and this relationship, was not right for you.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment and let us know how things are going for you. Join us on Facebook. Or You Tube.

Breakup then friends: What’s he thinking?

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Hi Guys!

I was in a relationship for four months with this amazing guy. Out of the blue, he breaks up with me. Yet he still talks to me via chat every day. I love talking to him so I don’t mind it…we can still be friends.

But what is he doing? What is he thinking? Is he just not ready for a serious relationship? Explain!

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Thanks for your question.

What’s he doing? He’s having a hard time letting you go, even if he was the one who did the breaking up.

What’s he thinking? He’s thinking, “This girl is so cool. I just wish I was in love with her, but I’m not. This sucks.”

If you truly value him as a friend Melissa, and are able make the transition from girlfriend to platonic relationship, then by all means keep him as a friend. But if you are talking to him, hoping things will change, and hoping he’ll come to his senses and realize you’re the one for him, it’s best you moved on. It’s unlikely he’s going to change his mind.

Is he just not ready for a serious relationship? Well, you don’t mention how old you are so it is possible he’s not ready for a long term relationship based on his age. But it’s also likely he’s just not ready for a long term relationship with you. We’re sorry about that.

Maybe with all this talking you two are doing, you could ask him why he broke up with you in the first place? That might help you make sense of all of this.

And we’re curious what your friends think? Did they like him when the two of you were dating? What are they saying to you? Check out our video on that topic. Visit our Video Page, or go to You Tube.

Good luck Melissa.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Or on You Tube.

Cheating Boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Dear Guys,

Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We work at the same place just different sides of the building. We used to have all the same friends but sadly they were not supportive of us and got weird.

So anyway we started dating. Three months after I moved in his younger brother died. My boyfriend became distant and I understood. Things seemed to progress with time but I guess I always felt something was wrong. We kept separate rooms as I am the first woman he has lived with. He is very reserved and not so great with communication.

The last few months have been really bad. We hardly ever have sex and it was like everything else came first. I picked everything apart trying to find answers. Then he just got even more private and started locking his computer and never left his phone alone. I have never wanted to look at either up until this point. Last Saturday he forgot to lock his phone because he got sick from drinking too much. I went to plug our phones in because they were almost dead and that’s when I saw it was not locked. I had to look. I found emails between him and another woman. It sounded like pics had been exchanged, and they planned to meet up but didn’t.

When I confronted him he first tried to say these were spam messages, but finally admitted to what they were. He said it was over with her and nothing happened outside the emails. He said he couldn’t continue with her because he wanted to work on things with me. But he also said he just couldn’t love me the way he should. I tried to ask him if he wanted to work on things and he couldn’t say yes or no. So I moved out.

He was so crushed the whole time I was getting my stuff out. He kept saying to stay and lay with him, and how much he loved me. I told him he obviously cares more than he thinks, otherwise my leaving wouldn’t hurt this bad. I told him to figure out what he wants and I left. That Monday he decides he was wrong and that it took me leaving for him to see what I meant to him. He got rid of all email addresses and phone numbers from ex-girlfriends. And he now leaves everything unlocked besides his phone because he has to keep it password protected because of work emails. He seems to be trying overall. I have moved back in and things seem better.

How do I know it’s for real? How do I know he won’t cheat and that he really woke up and it’s not just him feeling bad and not wanting to be alone? I don’t want to have to surprise check his emails or phone. I want to trust him. I want things to continue the way they seem to be going since I moved back in.

What do you think?

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Thanks for your question. First of all, our condolences to your boyfriend. We are very sorry for his loss.

Unfortunately this is less about what we think and more about what you think. Sure, people can change, and do change, but we can’t give you a general rule about guys which would then apply to your boyfriend. You’re going to have to make that call based on what you see: his actions, his words, a gut feeling you might have. (Listen to some of our videos on these topics.)

You’re right to question what’s going on. A lot of people don’t like to be alone, so they’ll do anything, or say anything to prevent that from happening. Obviously your boyfriend cares about you, but we can’t guarantee he won’t dip his toe back into the perennial pool of available nymphs, especially since up until recently he had his ex’s email addresses and phone numbers tucked away in his “little black book.”

You can see how important trust is within a relationship. Once trust is breached, even ever so slightly, it’s very difficult to get it back. Both of you have stepped over the boundaries of trust: He cheated. You snooped. We do think what he did is more serious, but both fall in the realm of the unacceptable.

Women in general seem better at forgiving. This could be due to societal pressures, or possibly societal expectations—men are often labeled as potential cheaters based on their biological makeup—so women often feel forced to forgive even if they don’t want to. Of course this varies from individual to individual. Where do you fall in this spectrum Amanda? That would be an important question to ask yourself.

The best advice we can give you is: Keep close tabs on how you feel day-to-day. What is your gut telling you? Do you feel close to your boyfriend in the ways you need to feel? Besides the trust issue, are you getting what you need out of the relationship? Think about why you love him, and why you want to be with him, and then align that with your feelings. Does everything match up?

Have faith in yourself; you’ll figure it out Amanda. We also think you should consult your friends. What do they think? They’ll give you an honest answer, and it will be up to you to listen. (Once again, we have a video on that very topic.)

Good luck, and please keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment. And feel free to ask another question anytime.

THE GUYS

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Relationship Advice: Dating Older Men

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Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Dear Guys,

I’m 25 and my boyfriend who I have been with for just over a year is 46. We are in a happy, stable relationship and I noticed him some times whisper, I love you. So I was upfront with him and asked him what he meant. He said he isn’t at that stage yet, and when he does say he loves me it will be because he will be devastated if he lost me. I find I am starting to fall in love with him but don’t want to tell him, so should I wait for him to say that L word? I also would like to have a baby; however he already has two girls and doesn’t want one. Should I stay with him? Should I go?

Amber

Dear Amber,

Thanks for your question.

So on the one hand you say he whispers “I love you” and on the other hand you say he isn’t ready to say it. So what’s the deal? Either way his response to your question seems strange. People usually say “I love you” to someone when they have such intense feelings that the words burst right out of them. It sounds like your guy will only say it when he’s about to break up with you.

Let’s focus on something that is clear. Your age difference in itself is not necessarily a problem. (You should listen to our video on Dating Older Men on our video page.) But the problem with such a disparity in age is how it plays out in terms of goals and dreams. You want children. He already has some. You want to get married. He may or may not want to. It’s likely you’re on a different page with every facet of your lives because he’s already experienced many of the things you’re looking forward to.

If you are really serious about this man you need to communicate to him EXACTLY how you’re feeling and what you want out of the relationship—including children. But remember, if he tells you he doesn’t want any more kids after you speak with him again, don’t think you’re going to change his mind. A lot of people stay in relationship thinking, “If this person loves me eventually they will change their mind.” That couldn’t be further from the truth. More typically, resentment builds for both people, and the relationship ends in flames.

We can’t tell you what to do Amber. But we can say, gather as much information as you can and then make a decision. It’s unlikely he’s going to make the hard decision to break up with you because he’s already getting everything he wants. So it will be up to you to figure it all out.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. And subscribe to our You Tube Channel.

Going from ‘friends with benefits’ to a dating relationship

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the Ask the Guys page.)

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Dear Guys,

Story is that I met this guy three years ago and we had two dates. Then I did the regrettable: I had sex with him. Since then I’ve liked him, but we never got to the stage of it becoming a serious relationship. All he would really call me for is sex. I began to get the hint and I cut him off three times; but yet I find myself missing him and going back. I recently went back like a month ago and we had a long talk on how I didn’t want to have the FWB (Friends with Benefits) relationship. I told him I liked him and that’s the only reason I’ve had sex with him.

We have seen each other twice since then and the second time he unhooked my bra. I knew what he wanted to do but I backed away; and before I left I gave him a hug and then I don’t know what I was thinking but I went in for a kiss and he gave a me a weird look. Now I am officially confused as to what the situation is. And the truth is I really want him to be my boyfriend.

Guys please help me out =(

-Ariie

Dear Ariie,

Thanks for your question.

Your situation is more common than you might think. Women and men often think about sex differently. For you sex with this guy is your way of showing him how much you like him. For him, it could be purely physical.

Guys can easily separate the physical from the emotional. Once the “act” is over, we can easily transition into the next thing: What’s for dinner? What’s on TV? That’s not to say guys are incapable of love. We are certainly capable of love, and want it as much as women. But when it’s not there, we can still have sex just as easily.

It is possible to transition from a “Friends with Benefits” situation to an actual relationship, but we think this guy would have pursued you by now if he wanted more than just sex.

Having said that, we still think you should seek the answers you need. Remember: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Tell him how you feel—again. And tell him what you want. It’s good to be specific. Don’t just tell him the only reason you had sex with him is because you like him. Be straightforward and tell him you want to be in a relationship with him. If he says he’s not interested, you’re no worse off than you are now. In fact better, because you’ll be able to move on to pursue a relationship that might have potential for a future.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. And subscribe to our You Tube page.

Older guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question in 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the Ask the Guys page.)

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Dear Guys,

So there’s this guy from Muay Thai class that I like. I met him recently, around 5 months ago, but he is much older than me — I’m 22 and he is 33. We are now having conversations online for at least one hour a night, 70% of which are probably initiated by me, but he seems happy enough talking.

Also for the past two months now, we’ve probably hung out alone together three or four times. We go for casual dinners, watch movies, and play video games till around 3am each time. Even though we’ve been alone he has never initiated any physical contact with me. I have however seen him sneak looks at me while we are watching a movie sometimes. He has never told me what he thought of us and never called us hanging out alone a “date” so I just assumed that to him we are only friends, but is it possible that he could also have feelings for me?

I’m also shy and afraid of saying anything about that to him because it is possible that I am just blinded by my feelings, or misinterpreting things. And saying anything might result in the end of the friendship we currently have. What do you think?

Marina

Dear Marina,

Thanks for your question.

By now, you may have your answer since it took us a few weeks to get to your question. However, we think this is pretty straightforward.

No guy is going to invest that much time with a woman unless he’s interested in her beyond a friendship. However if he truly just wants you as a friend, it’s possible he’s not interested in women in general. (All we’re saying is it’s possible.)

So let’s assume he’s straight and is interested. The age difference isn’t a problem for him. Eleven years in the big picture isn’t a big deal at all, but you are slightly young to embark on a relationship with a guy eleven years your senior. Are you okay with it? Do the two of you seem compatible on many levels? (You should listen to our video on Dating Older Men for more insights.) The fact that he’s probably established in the “adult world” with a job, an apartment, and a routine, means he’s probably in a very different place than you are in your life. It’s likely you’ve just finished college, and are now trying to get established in the world. This gap can often create divisions in a relationship if they’re not talked about frequently. Good communication is vital for a relationship to thrive and endure.

Sometimes the older person in the relationship can be smothering and not allow the younger partner to grow and evolve on their own. Be on the lookout for this, because you will end up being resentful if this occurs. This shouldn’t prevent you from moving forward, it’s just something to be aware of.

Now back to your question. We do think he’s into you. So the question is why hasn’t he made a move on you? Maybe he’s shy? Or maybe he feels a little weird since you are a lot younger than him? He may be attracted to you—that’s why you see him stealing glances—but he’s unsure how he should proceed. He’s doesn’t really know how you’re feeling so he doesn’t want to make a move for fear of being perceived as a pervert, or even worse a predator. If he is feeling this way, this is a good thing, because it means he’s got a solid awareness of his place in the world, and society.

If you want to make it easy on him, drop some hints that you’re interested. You should not be the one who makes the first move, but it’s okay to let him know it’s okay if he does. Of course nothing is guaranteed here Marina, so understand when you attempt to transition a relationship from friendship to romance, things can go either way.

Good luck and keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment and let us know how it goes.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. And subscribe to our You Tube Channel.

The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Episode 40: Being politically correct, a daughter’s triumph, relationships, and more

In this episode:

Katy Perry & Rebecca Black Last Friday Night Video

Segments

Ask the Guys: The Guys put their heads together to help listeners with their questions.

Father Stories: Alex from LA calls to share his daughters triumph.

Stream of Consciousness: Spinning the Big Wheel for random fun.

The Meat: “If you can’t say something nice…” When to hold your tongue and be P.C..

Pop Culture Corner - The party just keeps growing for Rebecca Black as Katy Perry releases the video for her new single “Last Friday Night” which prominently features Rebecca. We talk about why we even care. By the way Sai gives some little known info about one Kenny G too.

Want to win a $25.00 Starbucks Gift Card??? We have a few more places open for our Guy’s Perspective Slow Jam songs contest. We will name the 12 top picks in Episode 41 (2 weeks) For a chance to win call The Guys at 347-855-GUYS or hit our contact page with the subject: Slow Jams and let us know the song or songs that put you in the romantic mood.

The Guy’s Perspective YouTube page is here! What?! Yes, and we already have some great videos up. So check that out and if you would please subscribe and leave us a nice comment while you’re at it. Share us with some friends too.

Questions for Ask the Guys:

Tiera: Help I’m embarrassed of him!

Danielle: Will he come back or is it just a mind game?

Nat: We have strong feelings but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

Sally: What’s his problem?

Father Stories:

Alex from L.A. calls to share his daughter’s victory over training wheels. As a follow up to a story he shared in Ep:23 The Best Gift Ever Alex tells about a gift he received just last week.

Stream of Consciousness: We spin the Big Wheel and come up with random topics for some great conversation… hopefully. This time the words are Rage, Deviation and Bomb and the conversation goes from grandma’s driving to Russian dance club puppetry. Huh? You have to listen.

The Meat: If you can’t say something nice… stories of when to hold your tongue. The great air conditioner – doggy diarrhea debate, the death of Jackass star Ryan Dunn and Roger Ebert’s controversial Tweet. Asking the question “Is it wise to tell your hometown D.B. off?”

Thanks for listening!

[display_podcast]

Dating divorced guy who is still in pain

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. (Remember, it’s not possible for us to answer every question we receive, but we’re trying our best. Please also keep in mind, that your questions, although personal, are meant for public consumption. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the Ask the Guys page.)

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Dear Guys,

I have been seeing a guy who got divorced two years ago. He went through a rough divorce and was betrayed pretty horribly by his ex. They have no kids and have had no contact in nearly the two years since all has been finalized.

Last weekend I stayed at his place for the first time and during that time he started to show me pictures on his computer because he has an online business and wanted me to see his commercials. In the process he came across pictures that set him off. He spent the rest of our time together over the weekend telling me the divorce story over and over. The pain I witnessed was horrible. Not only did I learn more than I wanted to ever know but he made statements about how the future is lost, how he had planned a life that will never happen, that he doesn’t know what was true and what was a lie. He would mention little things they did together. That they had so much fun and it is gone. I felt like I wanted to be supportive and understanding but at the same time I felt like he was dismissing any opportunity that we could ever have—that he is so deep in pain still that perhaps there isn’t room for me or a future. This is all new for me. I have not dated someone divorced before.

I don’t know if I should feel complimented that he trusted me enough to let me in to his darkest thoughts or if I am hurt over his talk of dispair and hopelessness over prospects and a future lost. I’m a patient person and willing to take a risk but I also don’t want to be played a fool. I left exhausted and cried the whole drive home. He didn’t communicate with me today at all. Something we have been good at and consistently have done since our first date, even if only a hello on text.

I need advice on where this guy’s head is at and what I should be doing.

Hang in there or move forward?

Mic

Dear Mic,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly this guy has a lot of healing still to do. And based on how intense his feelings are, it might be quite awhile before he’s able to be truly open to a new relationship.

Obviously he feels very comfortable with you, otherwise he wouldn’t have opened up to you so much. We don’t think he’s playing you or using you, but if you’re willing to listen, he’s going to talk about his divorce. In fact, he’ll talk to anyone willing to listen because his feelings are still very raw. Sure, this is understandable, with all that he’s gone through—and still going through—but do you really want to be his main sounding board? You need to ask yourself that very question, because this is unlikely to abate anytime soon.

If you’re up for the challenge, and you believe you have a very strong connection with this guy, proceed with caution and patience. But understand you will be challenged on many levels if you stay the course. It’s up to you to decide what’s best for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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He dumped me, we remained friends, is he into me?

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Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. (Remember, it’s not possible for us to answer every question we receive, but we try our best. Please also keep in mind, that your questions, although personal, are meant for public consumption. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog, on this page. Ask the Guys.)

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Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Hey Guys,

Okay, my ex and I dated for one year and he broke up w/me. He said all the arguing, stress, and the fact that he wanted to date other women—since he’s only been w/ one other girl before me—made him lose feelings for me two months before the break up. When we broke up he wanted me to stay w/him as he started to cry. He gave me a big hug before parting ways. He felt really, really badly because I’m the closest person he has in his life.

He said he truly loves me and wants to be there for me but just doesn’t love me in the relationship way. I decided to not speak to him for a couple of days and then came to terms w/how things are going to be and decided to be best friends again. We were very close before dating, but we fell for each other. I’m still in love w/him even though I have no real problem being his friend. We see each other now and then but I have some questions that need to be answered regarding if he still likes me or not.

1. We went out w/friends and he was hitting on a girl in front of me all night, and I was somewhat cool w/it. But when it got too much I told him I have to go. I was sober but he thought it was too dangerous for me to go home alone. He demanded I stayed the night. I left anyway behind his back. That morning he called me 25 times. When I answered he was angry that I didn’t stay and that I had his ipod. I asked him if that’s why he called me 25 times and he said yes. He called just for his ipod and that I was supposed to stay at the apartment. I told him he was a jerk and that we can no longer be friends. We hung up went to bed. An hour later I woke up to 15 missed calls, I called him back, we apologized.

2. He lifted weights in front of me and watched to see if I was checking him out. I’ve been telling him that I don’t want a relationship again just to convince him I’m not trying to be friends to get back w/him. He seemed happy I said that.

3. We sat on his bed to watch “24″ and he laid his head on my lap. I moved away and for the rest of that night he looked sad. Dropping me off at my place, I peaked outside the window and he’s parked outside my house looking a bit sad for 5 mins before driving away.

4. He sort of avoided me the next day, no calls, texts.

5. He texted me good morning the day after. We agreed to hang out. He picked me up, watched “24,” and was more friend friend like. He sits/lays closely next to me on the bed. I felt suspicious.

6.In the car, he tells me why we broke up (again), and that he likes being friends because he treats me right. He tells me I’ll find someone more suited for him.

7. In the car he helps me feel better because I’m conflicted w/school. We hold each other and stuff but more friend like.

8. He comes inside my house. One foot on the door he’s gonna leave but I keep him to talk to him more. He stays w/me and we’re like an inch apart from each other staring into each other’s eyes while talking and giggling for 6 minutes, just mega close to each other. He walks out the house. I kiss him on his forehead. He kisses me on mine.

9. He calls me twice this morning to check up on me. We assure each other once more that we’re just friends.

I’m really confused. I need to know if he likes me or is developing feelings for me. If he wants to just be friends and no feelings then I’ll be his friend, if not when is the proper time to talk about it to work something out? HELP!!

Nia

Dear Nia,

Thanks for your question.

We can see how you’d be confused. The lines between friendship and dating are blurred here. Our first reaction is: Do you think it’s healthy for you to still be hanging out with him? We know you say you’re not trying to get him back, but are you really being honest with yourself? It just seems you’re going through a lot of trouble to figure out what he’s thinking, and what he wants.

And what does he want? He says he wants to date other women. That seems pretty clear to us. Otherwise, why in the world would he break up with you? You sound like a great match for him, and the two of you have a wonderful friendship. He’d be a fool to give that up, unless he really views you as a friend, rather than girlfriend.

We can see some inconsistencies from your list, but here’s a guy rule to keep in mind, that might explain things more.

Rule: Guys don’t want their ex-girlfriends to date anyone else, even if they don’t want to date them anymore.

(Maybe we’ll do a video about this. Have you checked out our Video Page?)

Anyway, this rule could explain why he’s keeping you close. Sure, he values your friendship, but on the other hand he hits on other girls in front of you. Then he says he only wants to be friends, but then he kisses you on the forehead, and does other things that make you wonder what’s going on. This is a game. Sure, he’s conflicted, and part of him feels like a fool for breaking up with you, but he also knows he doesn’t want a relationship with you. So you’re getting mixed signals, and this will continue for a long time. In fact this is likely to continue until one of you starts dating someone else seriously.

So you have to decide whether or not this friendship is working for you. If it’s not, time to move on, as sad as that may be.

As far as your question: We think you should talk to him as soon as you’re ready.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Getting over him still

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Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Dear Guys,

My ex and I broke up a while ago. I’ve only been in love one other time besides him and that was 7 years ago. We weren’t even together that long to begin with, but I’ve had a very hard time getting over him. Now enter a new boy. He is great. He embodies everything I like in a guy and all the qualities my ex didn’t have. (Note: My ex was never a bad guy the qualities I’m talking about are a sense of adventure and others along those lines.) We have gone on a few really good dates. Last night we had our first kiss and it was surprisingly nice, although it made me a little uncomfortable. Then I went home and proceeded to dream about my ex and woke up crying. What is wrong with me? I mean this is a great guy I have now and I can’t stop thinking about my ex. Am I still not ready to date? If I’m not then what do I do, because I don’t want to lose this great guy I’m seeing. We are a very good match for each other. The more I try not to think about my ex the more I do think about my ex.

What should I do? I’m so confused and upset right now.

Lee

Dear Lee,

Thanks for your question. We can understand your confusion, but what you’re experiencing is fairly typical.

Up until meeting this new guy, your relationship with your ex may have been over, but the vault was not entirely sealed. Enter new guy, and now, if things progress in a positive way, your relationship with your ex will finally be put to rest. The sadness of the finality of your previous relationship is what you’re feeling.

You don’t say why you broke up with your ex. You also don’t mention who broke up with whom. But obviously something wasn’t right because the two of you split up. Don’t all of a sudden put “rose colored glasses” on when looking back on your relationship with him. That doesn’t mean you have to think negatively, but it’s so easy to remember only the good things. This can even get to the point where people say, “Now, why did we break up again?” And those people often try to reunite, only to realize soon enough the reasons they broke up in the first place.

It could be that you’re not ready for a new relationship, but forge ahead and keep tabs on how you feel. The transition is always filled with complex emotions, especially when sex is factored into the equation. Try to enjoy it too. New love is wonderful!

If your feelings for your ex continue, maybe you will need a new dose of “gamma rays” to remind yourself of why you left in the first place.

Good Luck,

THE GUYS

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Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Dating Older Men

So you want to date an older man? Okay. But first, let’s not confuse this with dating an old man. If you’re into that sort of thing, you’re on your own.

We think the best way to approach this topic is breaking it down by relative age.

Once you’re in college, the game changes, but that doesn’t mean you’re still better off with someone at least close to your age. Especially be wary of your professor that seems a bit too hip, a bit too accessible, a bit too in touch with young people. His hair isn’t really a bushy mane of black hair, but a mirage of hair dye and developer. And he wears those tinted glasses to cover the dark circles under his eyes, while also allowing him free reign to scan for the most alluring co-ed he can find. And that flashy sports car? It’s nice, but he has little money left over to spend on you. Our suggestion: Best to stick with the geeky science major in the adjacent dorm.

Once you’re out of college and comfortably ensconced in your twenties, dating an older guy might not be a bad thing. Guys take a while to mature, and they lag considerably behind women in emotional maturity by five, maybe ten years. So feel free to trade up. But be careful once again. If he’s more than ten years older than you, he’s likely not looking for “The One.” More like Some One. Or anyone.

Once you’re in your thirties and beyond, it’s all good. Older guys will likely appreciate you for some of your more refined qualities. Your ability to have an intelligent conversation will be just as sexy as a low cut blouse, and it will be refreshing to you to actually have someone look you in the eyes while you’re talking.

If you’ve recently retired and are in your golden years, ignore what we said earlier. It’s likely there won’t be very many older guys around, since most of them will have met their great maker, now sitting around a heavenly poker table playing cards for eternity. In that case an old guy will do just fine. However, you might be surprised if you realign your thinking. You might want to consider a younger man, since he’ll be attracted to your sophistication, and knowledge of the finer things in life. And of course it’s easier than you might think, because afterwards he’ll then be able to brag to his friends about the experience, which is half the reason guys do half of the things they do.

Until next time. This is The Guy’s Perspective.

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This guy said I look swell

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Getting Played: Trust your Gut

Getting Played: Listen to your friends

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

My marine decided to call it quits; is there still hope?

Hey Guys,

A family that I’ve been close with came into town for a couple of days. The family has two sons. One is 18 or 19 yrs. old, and the other son is 23. I am 20 almost 21, which puts me smack dab in the middle of both of them. Throughout the night I talked to both of the guys about what they’ve been up to since they left. At the end of the night I ended up getting hugged three times by the younger one and four times by the older one. Before I turned to leave the older one talked to me on a different level than he has in years past. He gave me one of those hug hugs. You know the kind that means more than friends. After that he told me it was nice seeing me and such, and he said that I’m looking swell. Which caught me off guard since he has never said anything like that before to me. He’s always been nice but it was different tonight.

What does it mean when a guy tells you that you look swell?

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your note.

First of all we don’t know any guys who use the word swell. It seems a funny choice of words, and somewhat antiquated, but we understand what he was trying to say. It’s his way of telling you he thinks you’re really cute, or possibly hot, without revealing his true intentions. Of course to us, his intentions are totally transparent.

It’s clear both of these guys are young and not sure how to approach you. We do understand—since you’re long time family friends—it’s tricky terrain to navigate, but their approach seems so awkward: hugging you and saying you look swell?

But rest assured, they are both into you, unless they’ve always been chronic huggers. Guys love getting hugs from cute women. And these guys snagged seven over the course of the evening! WOW, that’s close to a record.

So who’s it going to be Danielle? Are you interested in the younger brother or the older brother?

We suggest you wait and see what happens on this one. No use creating a family rift. It’s better they work this out internally before one of them pursues you. Eventually one of them will make their intentions known.

Good luck, and keep us posted. We’re definitely curious to hear how this all turns out.

THE GUYS

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New Videos: Relationship Advice on Getting Played

Visit our Video Page to listen and/or read the script. Listen to our podcast for more relationship questions and answers.

If you have a relationship question, leave us a note above. Also, scroll down to read some of our archives. You might find the answers you’re looking for in one of our previous responses.

Take care,

THE GUYS

Relationship and Dating Advice: Getting Played- Listen to your friends

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Read the Script:

Your boyfriend is a player. And your friends know this, but they’re afraid to tell you, because they aren’t sure how you’ll react. And they don’t think you’ll believe them anyway. So what do you do? You ignore your gut and ignore your friends—because in some ways you don’t really want to know the truth—and then you write to us, complete strangers, asking us to tell you what your friends already know. Your guy is a player.

So why don’t you trust your friends? I mean they are your friends for good reason, right. You must respect their opinion on some level….or maybe not.

What’s the problem? Why don’t you trust them?

Maybe you don’t like their fashion sense. Somehow their clothes are always a bit too big, or even worse, too small, especially that bikini that only covers a few freckles and a random mole.

And their taste in food is even worse than their taste in clothes. They still think the local chinese food is authentic, even though it’s cooked by college co-eds on summer break.

Maybe they like sappy date movies that you can’t stand, or their into faux accessories, since they can’t afford the real Vera Bradley brand…., or maybe they need a GPS to find their way home from work…Fine..but everyday?

Or maybe, just maybe, they’re hotter than you? And you don’t trust them because what the hell do they know since life’s been catered to them since they first batted their eyes in the delivery room.

And even worse they have bad taste in men themselves. They have no clue that their boyfriend is cheating on them, or that he’s hit on you once..or maybe twice. You try to tell them but they don’t listen. Why would they? They’re hotter than you, remember.

But guess what. They don’t trust you either for all the same reasons.

Doesn’t this seem a bit odd to you? You tell your friends everything—every little bit of minutia that comes up during the day. Every opinion you have. Every joke. Your friends know you, often better than you know yourself. But when the topic of your man comes up, you change the subject faster than a high school boy having sex.

So believe us when we say: Trust your friends, because your friends will tell you the truth, if you just ask them.

Men: can’t live with them or without them

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Getting Played: Trust your Gut

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

My marine decided to call it quits; is there still hope?

Hi Guys,

I recently met a man while at a work conference. Sadly we met on the last day, while he had been trying to meet me from lunch time day one. (I’m a bit “dense” when it comes to men). We remain in contact, however; he lives a hour flight away. I’m not rushing into anything, but he remains in contact with me via Facebook and text since we met.

How do I let him know I’m interested in getting to know him more without “freaking” him out?

Shall I listen to the media and wait for him to text me each time, or is it acceptable to text him? It is a challenge when the communication is electronic because of lack of body language etc, But he initiated for us to remain in the contact when we went our own ways. He is a doctor, so he is busy with his change of schedule and location. I am a nurse studying post-grad papers, so we are both occupied. I appreciate and accept his life is busy, but wish to let him know, “Hey… I’m here, I want to talk to you more and wish to get to know you.”

He is nice and does text me on his breaks and is quick to reply when I reply to his texts. However, he said he would text me today and now that I have finished having a busy day, I finally thought, “Hey he said he was going to text me.” That has left me wondering if I should I text him??,

What do you suggest?

Meredith

Meredith,

Thanks for your question.

Typically we would suggest letting the guy be the initiator, but taking into account your particular circumstances, we think it’s okay for you to do some of the initiating. Relationships need momentum to get going, like a train working up a head of steam. Without someone taking the lead in a relationship—and yours being a long distance relationship, which is even harder to get going—it will never get off the ground.

We say, go for it. Since he was the one who wanted to remain in contact, it’s obvious he’s interested in you. We can’t say if it’s just a physical attraction, or if he wants a relationship, but he is interested. So go ahead and text him when you feel like it. If he’s into you he’ll be happy you reached out to him. Just don’t go overboard.

Long distance relationships don’t have that natural day-to-day flow to them. They unfold very differently than “same town” relationships, because some of the action has to be forced, otherwise stagnancy occurs. And since so much is done by phone, or other electronic devices, it’s up to the two people involved to by hyper vigilant when it comes to communicating. Hopefully the two of you will develop some routines, and patterns, to help you get to know one another, and help get this relationship off the ground.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask another question.

THE GUYS

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Big problem with relationship….really need help

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Getting Played: Trust your Gut

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

My marine decided to call it quits; is there still hope?

Hey Guys,

So, I’ve been with this girl for more than a year. We had some problems in the begining that we couldn’t solve. It was part her fault, and part my fault. On many occasions I was really sure that we would break-up. But I love her, and she loves me. We’re still together, but these problems have not yet been solved though.

(BTW: I’m not a teenager, and this is not my first girl. I’m 29, but I’m confused as little kid back in high school.)

My girl is a dancer, and recently a new guy joined the dancing crew she’s in. And all of her friends tell him how good looking he is. And my girlfriend and all her friends follow every freakin’ thing he posts on Facebook. Three of her friends are married but still comment on every guy they see. That seems strange to me. Although, I still comment on some girls now and then. But they do it in front of their boyfriends and husbands.

My girl is pretty good looking, and I’m 90% sure this new guy is hitting on her. I don’t think she would cheat on me, but you know, when it smells like a crap, it could be crap. I’m not stupid, but this whole situation has really killed my libido. I used to be the cool and funny guy not but right now I feel really lame and weak.

Should I be worried? Should I leave her, or just calm down???
What should I really do? I’m really crazy about all that stuf

Confused Guy

Dear Confused Guy,

Thanks for your question.

It seems your problem is less about this other guy and more about the divisions you still have in your relationship. From what you say the two of you are still working through issues. And if that’s the case, these issues are causing strife in your relationship, which in turn is causing you to feel insecure. So the first order of business is to address these issues by talking about them, or by seeking professional help—maybe a couples counselor—to help you work through them.

You’re no different than us. We get jealous just like you do. And if another guy enters our turf strutting his feathers, possibly trying to take what we consider ours—even though we understand we don’t own anyone—we get just as defensive and combative as you. But take a deep breath, and take a step back and see it for what it is. He’s just some good looking guy. If your relationship was solid, with good communication, trust, and love, no guy—no matter if he’s a movie star or athletic star—would have a chance to hammer a crack in the foundation.

So yes you should be worried, but not about him. You should be worried whether or not you and your girlfriend can fix what seems to be broken at the moment. Love is a good start to building a foundation, but it’s the day-to-day acts that make or break a relationship. A good question to ask yourself is: Does my girl have my back? Meaning, when she’s out in the world, is she considering you in the decisions she is making? And on the flipside, are you considering her? This goes beyond just being faithful to one another. This enters into every single decision you make from what you buy for dinner to what job you decide to take in your career path. When two people form a partnership they navigate the world together, and then an interesting thing happens: somehow life is easier and more fun, not more difficult.

Once you figure out the bigger picture, we imagine you’re not going to be as jealous and crazy as you feel right now. And as far as feeling week and lame, that’s normal. People react differently to these types of scenarios. Some guys come out swinging, and some guys pull back. You happen to be part of the latter group—the more reflective group. Hang in there!

Please leave us a follow up comment and keep us posted. Feel free to ask a follow up question as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Relationship Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter. We just joined the party. @TGPBuzz

Read the script:

We get lots of questions each week on our website. We answer them on the Ask the Guys page, on our podcast, The Guy’s Perspective Podcast on itunes, and soon to be on videos. One of the main questions we get is, “am I getting played?”

Our basic rule is, If you think you’re getting played, it’s likely you’re getting played…….

We believe you need to listen to your gut. It’s telling you something, like it does after you pig out on ice cream and truffles waiting for him to call. He doesn’t call. Unfortunately, he’s out with the cute twins down the street. But those five scoops of double fudge chocolate do taste pretty good going down, but not so good after the hours at the gym required to restore your natural order, although it is nice to catch up on those daytime soaps you missed.

If you’re still fighting your gut, open your eyes and be your own detective. Not a stalker……Not a stalker….. Here are some things to look for.

Does your guy go unaccounted for….hours at a time….or even days?

Is he taking trips with the guys to places like Vegas or Miami Beach, saying he’s going to play the slots, hang with his boys, and just chill? “Chill”

He won’t let you come to his house will he? (no entrance sign) Only meets you at yours. Or at the local dive. Hey, you’re cool. You can hang with the regulars..but not his friends.

What, you haven’t met his friends?

Seriously. You haven’t met his friends?

Is he too busy at work to call you? He only texts you doesn’t he. He won’t friend you on Facebook. Says he’s never on there anyway. Tell that to his two thousand contacts.

Probably forgets about your dates occasionally. Then apologizes profusely. But does it again. And again.

Doesn’t matter. He never has enough money to pay the tab anyway. That’s when he even takes you out. What you don’t like his pirated video collection?

He’s out of town for work a lot isn’t he? But you never seem to get all the details. Just some new embroidered towels and a pack of exotic matches, which he keeps borrowing from you when he stinks up your bathroom….after he shows up around midnight just to “hang out.”

You get the picture. You do get the picture don’t you?

So open your eyes and see what’s in front of you. What’s that? No, sorry you can’t go through his phone. You can’t go through his computer. Remember, you’re not a stalker.

Are you seriously thinking about going through his emails? Stop! You can’t do that. Think about what you’re contemplating. And what are you going to do with the evidence? You can’t use it to fix your relationship. Well, I guess you could use it to expose him on Facebook. Hmmm….that might be useful after all. And he’ll never find out, since he’s never on there anyway.

But really, if you’re contemplating this line of action don’t you think things have already reached the point of no return…like agreeing to a threesome, only to have him fall for number three?

Is this really a relationship you’ve got going? Or some kind of farce…. like an election that needs a recount. Or lip synching. Or some dog that ends in doodle. If you won’t believe your gut then at least believe your friends. They know better than you. But we’ll save that for next time.

Subscribe to our blog, podcast, or You Tube channel. Thanks.

And until next time. Keep those eyes open.

Multiple questions: Long distance, getting played, quizno’s guy, break up, engagement off

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our very first video:

Getting Played: Trust your Gut

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are doing our best to answer all of them, but we are quite behind in our responses. So today we decided to answer five of your questions, since these are a bit shorter than some of the rest.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you. Because we are not your typical guy site. Most of our readers are women, interested in knowing what’s behind the mind of the male. And we’re happy to provide you with those insights.

Our Video Page is coming very soon. We have a YOU TUBE channel as well. Check out our first video. Leave us a comment. A Like. Subscribe to our You Tube Channel for upcoming videos on relationship and dating advice.

You Tube Video

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Question 1: Long distance

Dear Guys,

I’m in a long distance relationship. It’s been about two and a half years. In the begining he would tell me how much he wanted me and how much he couldn’t wait to see me. He’d make intimate comments. Now, although he tells me he loves me all the time he no longer makes the intimate comments or tells me how much he wants me. This is leaving me feeling less desired.

So my question is: is it possible he still desires me? I will be going to visit in a couple of weeks but feel like the passion might not be there for him so I’m nervous.

Karen

Dear Karen,

Thanks for your question.

It’s always nice to receive loving compliments, especially if they are unsolicited. And it’s equally upsetting if these compliments suddenly disappear. If he used to shower you with loving poetry, and he no longer does, is it possible he’s got something else going on? We’re just wondering out loud here.

By nature, a long distance relationship is often more intense than your typical day-to-day relationship. For a guy, the anticipation of sex is enough for him to do or say anything. If he’s no longer anticipating the sex with the same fierce desire, this could be the reason he no longer compliments you. But it’s not the only reason he might be pulling back. It’s up to you to figure out why. Keep those eyes open and trust your gut. (From our video) Watch above.

We think you’ll get all the answers you need when you visit him next. Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Question 2: Getting Played?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been with this guy for six months. Within the first two months I got an STD. (He was the only one I was with.) I talked to him about it and he yelled at me and told me I was the only one he was with. On top of that I only see him maybe one day out of a week and he has only spent the night with me two times in the last two months.

He has this “A” person who is always calling and texting him. And when I ask about it he yells at me and tells me it’s his sister from another state. Yet I know there was one time his phone rang and I saw that it was “A.” I asked who it was anyways and he said it was a bill collector. Another time I saw he received a text and I saw it was from “A.” When I asked him who he was texting he said his daughter.

He has two kids, a fifteen year old girl and a thirteen year old boy, which I’ve never met. They don’t even know about me. I also have never been to his house. He says he doesn’t want to introduce me to his kids until it feels right. He gets pissed if I don’t answer his calls or texts in a timely manner, or if I decide to do something at the last minute—even when he is not with me. I’ve let him in to my life 110% including my daughter looking at him like her dad.

My questions for you guys are: Do you think he’s playing me or hiding something or someone from me? How long should I wait before I press the issue about his kids? Do you think he’ll ever let me in?

Joann

Dear Joann,

Thanks for your question.

Honestly, the situation sounds very sketchy.

Clearly you don’t trust him, and from what you say, we can understand why. So why are you trying to make this work?

Relationships are all about trust. You’ve let him into your life, but he has barely let you into his. When a guy hides you from his family and friends, it’s a major red flag.

If you really want to know what’s going on, press the issue now. It’s always best to know the truth. Either way you’ll get some answers. And knowledge is much better than uncertainty, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you’re hoping.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

Question 3: The Quizno’s Guy

Dear Guys,

So about two months ago I went to get Quizno’s. As I walked up to the counter, a cute guy started started talking to me as if we knew each other. As he was taking my order we ended up having a really odd conversation that most people wouldn’t normally have. We had great chemistry and quick and quirky comebacks for everything that was being said. It was one of those moments that only happens in movies or on TV. (It felt like we were the only ones in the Quizno’s shop.) As odd as that sounds, it was a feeling I never had the pleasure of experiencing. So my question for you is: is this something to look into or should I just let it be and let nature take its course?

P.S. As i was turning to leave I caught him turn and smile all kid like at his co-worker. His co-worker just gave him a sneaky/grin expression.

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question. We love your story! It’s amazing when something like this happens–and not in the movies!

Well what do you think? What’s your gut telling you?

We say go for it. What’s the worst that can happen? So you can’t go to that particular Quizno’s anymore. What’s the best that can happen? Hmmm………Exactly!

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Question 4: The Break Up

Dear Guys,

Well, I was in a relationship with a guy for two and a half years. We broke up last month. We were madly in love, and then suddenly we were broken up. He said we can’t be happy when we’re together because I’m kinda needy and clingy. Apparently, he needs his own space and ‘single time’.

I’m going through a very hard time without him. But I know that he still loves me. He said that he wouldn’t contact me but he contacted my sister last week and asked about me. I didn’t let her give any information about me. I just want to disappear and get away from him. But I’m hoping that he will find me one day. Everyone around me is telling me that he will find me one day.

Will it really happen?

Soba

Dear Soba,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re in so much pain. Break ups are very difficult—like losing a part of yourself.

Having said that, sometimes break ups are necessary. And if your man is saying he needs single time, that’s a pretty strong message, and one you need to respect. It also says the two of you are in very different places in your life. Relationships are as much about timing as they are about love. Right now the timing is off between the two of you.

We can’t say whether or not the two of you will get back together. We imagine it’s going to take some time before you really know the answer to that question. For now, let yourself grieve, but try and get out and spend time with the people who love you: your family and friends. We know it’s hard, but try and enjoy the simple things in life for now. Unfortunately you don’t have any control over his actions, so you’ll have to just wait and see.

Take care and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Question 5: Broken Engagement

Hey guys!

My ex-fiance and I were together for over two years and were engaged, planning a wedding, etc. We were really great together and I just knew he was the one—until I found out that he cheated on me for two months by sending unsavory pictures and having racy conversations with this girl. I caught him and he confessed. But I’ll bet this was not the first girl.

We spent a few weeks apart and then talked things out and I forgave him. But I couldn’t really forget how it made me feel. I started to become a bit paranoid, wondering if it would happen again. I didn’t voice these concerns much. This led to several arguments—some heated—because he seemed uninterested, and he didn’t want to be intimate much anymore.

For a couple that had never really argued before, this was major. Just four months after finding out about the cheating, he breaks up with me suddenly, claiming that we’d get divorced if we were married and were simply too dysfunctional, which I believe to be the worst cop-out I’ve heard. He refuses to give me reasons, meet up with me, or talk to me in general. It’s like he’s forgotten we ever planned a life together and were a couple. I don’t know what to think. He’d been going to the gym a lot lately— nearly obsessing over it—and hanging out with a homosexual friend of his. He also admits he thought he was bi-sexual. I don’t even begin to know what to do. This was the guy that I was supposed to marry and now it seems like I never knew him at all. Please help!

Whitney

Dear Whitney,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through a difficult AND confusing time.

Clearly the guy you fell in love with, got engaged to, and wanted to spend your life with, is not the man you thought he was. As you say, it’s likely he was “exploring” other options—in addition to the one you know about— while the two of you were together.

You are not the first person to have your trust betrayed, and you won’t be the last. Don’t blame yourself, or question yourself too much. These things happen to the best of us. And honestly, your ex is searching right now. Do you really want to be along for that ride? It sounds like it might be a long, and tumultuous one.

The consensus here with all of us is: your guy has actually done you a favor. Even though it’s very sad now, sometime down the road, when you’re in a loving and trusting relationship, you’ll thank your ex-fiance for letting you go.

For now, hang in there. Spend time with good friends and family. Try to remember all the things you loved before you met him, and throw yourself back into them. But unfortunately you’re not going to get all the answers you need from him, because he’s searching for his own answers.

Good luck, and keep us posted. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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My man is still online dating

If you have a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

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Recent questions:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Dear Guys,

K, my boyfriend of two years was on dating sites the entire relationship. I caught him a few times and he said he canceled them and they were old accounts. So, I reactivated his accounts and the registration dates showed he only canceled after I dumped him. This was only in January when I dumped him. We reunited in February and he has not reactivated them since, but seriously, he was on there the whole frickin time! And he made it out that I was all insecure. We even went to a counselor!!! Also, the ideal match he was looking for was young enough to be his child and was completely different than me.

So, why is he with me if his dream girl is so different?

I am confused, and tired of being the one who is insecure and soooo hurt.

Thanks,

Desire

Dear Desire,

Thanks for your question.

We can totally see why you’d be upset by this. Not only was he sneaking behind your back, he also lied about it, and then tried to make it look like you were insecure. This is a trifecta of bad behavior.

Just because his dream girl is different than you doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not into you. Guys often desire women who are different than the woman they are with, just for variety’s sake. It sounds cold, but it’s true. However, not every guy is going to act on his impulses like your man did. It’s okay for men to have fantasies—women have them too—but only as long as the fantasies don’t start to creep into real relationships—unless the fantasy involves both partners, and is mutually agreed upon.

Your man should not have been trolling for dates while the two of you were intimately involved, physically and emotionally. This kind of behavior is not okay.

Desire, you need to take a hard look at this relationship. Are you getting what you need? Or is it just causing you to feel more and more insecure? Your guy should be making you feel great about yourself. He should be loving, supportive, respectful, and kind. From what you say, he’s been none of those things. So why did you get back together with him? What makes him so attractive? Because you’ve got a lot of things missing here.

You deserve to have someone who treats you with respect, and someone you trust. Obviously if you’re reactivating his online dating account, you don’t trust him at all. And as you know, a relationship can’t thrive and grow without trust. So you need to figure out if this man can earn your trust again. Be true to yourself, and be honest with yourself. Only you can make that call.

Best of luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Spread the word on Facebook, Twitter, or even face-to-face.

The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Ep. 39: Dating questions, Father’s Day, Number one

In this episode:

I feel happy of myself

Anthony wants to know about a pickup basketball Road trip. Sai talks about his experience on the road.

Voice mail: Antonio from LA calls us out on GLEE

More trouble stirring at Dunkin Donuts

THE TRUTH: 3 New stories in our “Your Number One” Challenge. Can you find the lie?

ASK THE GUYS: Relationship and Dating questions

Serge – Am I wasting my youth?

Lauren - My boyfriend is having a hard time with my opposite sex friendship

Amanda – I thought he broke up with me, but now he acts like it never happened! Help!

FATHER STORIES: Cucch and Sai interview a good friend, Sam, and talk about dads, kids, polenta and even a great Father’s Day movie recommendation, Life is Beautiful.

Also, some great suggestions by our listeners on how they are spending their Father’s Day.

[display_podcast]

Confused: I don’t understand this guy’s behavior

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Recent questions:

My marine decided to call it quits; is there still hope?

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Dear Guys,

I really need help on this one. I’m 21 and recently started hooking up with this guy. We have been sexually active together for about 3 months now. He tells me it’s the best sex he has ever had; and for me, it’s the same! We hang out pretty much every day. Some days things seem to be going great. We hang out just the two of us, or with his friends, or go to the movies. He takes me to dinner, and we’ve even met each other’s families.

And then other days he acts completely different with me. We won’t kiss, touch, but he still flirts with me and is always super sweet. He’s always the one to make the first move when we hook up, just because im a little more shy when I’m with him. (This boy seriously makes me weak in the knees.) But some nights we won’t hook up or anything and it’s just plain weird, I guess? We both just got out of serious relationships not too long ago, and agreed that we were not rushing back into another one anytime soon. But we also agreed that we weren’t going to hook up with anyone else either. I guess I’m just confused on why he acts diffrently towards me some days. I really like this guy and just don’t want to mess anything up.

Nichol

Dear Nichol,

Thanks for your question.

From everything you say, it seems like he likes you more than just a casual hook up. In fact it seems like the two of you are boyfriend and girlfriend, since you’re doing all the things couples do: going out to dinner, going to the movies, hanging out with friends, meeting prospective families. We think you need to have a discussion about this, don’t you? Just because you both SAY you don’t want to rush into anything new, your actions say otherwise. And hey, that’s a good thing if you’re both happy.

His behavior is a bit inconsistent, although you say he’s sweet to you even on the days when you don’t kiss, touch, or hook up. Typically if a guy considers a woman to be a fling, he only wants to be with her when he’s hooking up with her. Your guy doesn’t behave this way. So we have another possible explanation for his erratic behavior.

A man’s affection can often be traced to his changing testosterone levels. Meaning, a guy might behave differently on the days he wants to have sex, as opposed to the days right after he has sex? If a guy wants sex it’s likely he’s going to touch a woman more, maybe hold her hand, give her some love “squeezes” here and there, generally be more physically loving, and all around more agreeable. But some guys who don’t necessarily need sex every day might need a day of recovery. On those days— recovery days—guys can be more business like in terms of physical affection. See if this pattern holds true for your guy. And let us know.

If this is the case it can mean a lot of things. If he continues to be sweet with you, and treats you with respect there’s no reason to be concerned. It’s certainly worth a conversation down the road, maybe when/if you two decide to make yourselves an official couple. If this pattern becomes more extreme, you might need to reevaluate if you want to be with him. (This might mean there’s more going on than we can say based on your note.)

Overall, we feel pretty positive about what’s going on between the two of you. But keep those eyes open, and be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling about him and the relationship. We always say, TRUST YOUR GUT. (Be on the look out for our first video, on this very topic next week.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Recent questions:

My marine decided to call it quits; is there still hope?

Hey Guys,

I have a question about a guy I have been seeing. I am a single, college educated, never been married, financially independent woman. I do not have any children or any real issues. I met a guy who was working as a bartender at a local restaurant/bar that my friends and I hang out at times. I did not take him seriously for about 2 year, but I was seeing someone. But I will admit, I was being a bit elitist in thinking he was only a bartender, etc.

Well, over the past 4 years, we have been going back and forth, on and off. He, at some point, met a girl and she became his girlfriend. It sounds like she hurt him a lot, and when they broke up from time to time, he would contact me. I finally started liking him, but we kept getting interrupted by the timing–he would get back with his ex or I would meet someone. Now since February, 2011, we have been kind of seeing each other. I asked him if he was over his ex and at least open to seeing what might happen between us. He said yes. We had not slept together until after this conversation.

He just graduated from art school and I left him alone to finish his final projects. Last Friday, I was out with my girlfriends celebrating some birthdays. My guy, let’s call him Steve, and I had gotten together on Tuesday and had a great time. We made plans for Sunday, but I kinda wanted to see him Friday night when he got home from work. I kind of pushed it a bit. I was a bit tipsy, and I got a bit wild. I guess I said somethings like, “Do you believe people can stay this attracted to each other over time?” and “Steve you need to get tested.” (We had discussed this before because I am very adamant about this and he agreed!.)

We also decided to go on a little trip— my treat for his graduation. So I asked him when he thought it would work for him. I might have said some other things, but honestly, nothing like, “I want to marry you.” or “I love you.” So Saturday morning, in my gut, I got this weird feeling he was freaked out. I went running and thought about it. I sent him a text saying, “Hey Steve, I was kinda drunk last night and I went running and just got back. While I ran, I thought about my behavior last night and I am sorry if I was over the top. It was not my intention.” He did not respond to the text. Later, around ten at night, I texted him to just say, “Hey,how is work going?” No reply from Steve. So now I am really feeling like he is totally wigged out and I was right. Sunday comes and no call about our plans. So around noon I get back from the gym and call and say, “Hey are we still on for today?” He calls back around 3pm to say that he needs to distance himself from me and that I am getting too attached and he doesn’t want to send me mixed signals. So I call back then hang up and text and say, “I was drunk, that is why I texted you this morning, can we talk?” He says yes, I will call you later. We had a really good conversation. I listened and he said he didn’t know why he was so freaked. I asked him if he wanted to take some time to be alone because he has had a lot of transitions lately with graduation, getting over the ex, trying to decide about work, etc. I get that! He said no he liked me, liked being with me, and didn’t need to take time. So then our conversation ended and I thought it was resolved.

I didn’t contact him all week and I didn’t hear from him. Friday afternoon I text him, “Hi, Steve, how are you?” No reply. We are friends on Facebook, so I looked on his page, and he posted at about 11 pm on Friday, “I am heading to the backwoods this weekend on my Harley, etc..” And I never heard from him. So I went on with my Memorial Day weekend. But I am still really hurt and confused by this. I said to him on Monday night that to me, talk is cheap, and a person reveals his/herself by actions. He agreed. So now I feel like he is blowing me off—and I really don’t want that to be the case. I will not call or text him but I don’t know if I will hear from him again.

What is your advice or insight to this situation? Am I just dreaming to think that this could be any kind of relationship? I wish I had listened to him on Friday and skipped going over to his house, but I was out and really wanted to see him. I guess I totally screwed this one up. Thanks for your reply.

Nan

Dear Nan,

Thanks for your question.

It is possible for people to move too fast, or move too slowly, or say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But generally, if that’s all it takes to mess up the possibility of a relationship, we tend to think it was probably not going to happen anyway.

It feels like you’re having to force this relationship on “Steve” and that shouldn’t be the way it is. We still don’t think you’ve done anything we’d consider a “deal breaker.” If he was really into you, or really wanted a relationship, he would welcome your tipsy advances, unless you were way over the top, or completely embarrassing, which doesn’t sound the case. And even if you were, you apologized and tried to make it right, which shows your reflective, self-aware side. In our minds those are great qualities to have.

“Steve” is in a transitional phase of his life as you know. It doesn’t matter that he’s older than some guys in this stage. The fact is everyone’s timeline is different and he’s gotten a late start on his career path. He needs time to figure out where he’s going and what he wants. He also sounds like he’s still torn emotionally over his ex. He needs time to do his thing, on his own terms. And isn’t that the way life is? It’s all about timing. And in your case, it feels like the timing just isn’t there.

So our advice is, let things play out on his terms. He has to be the one who initiates with you, not the other way around, which has been the case up until this point. Let him contact you via texting or calling. Let him ask you out. Let him be the one to plan any weekend getaways. And see how it goes. If nothing happens then you’ll know it’s not the right time for him. As far as having physical relations with him: please be careful. It’s likely if he calls you out of the blue, he’s seeing other women besides you. You’ve got to be safe out there.

We also think you need to put yourself back out on the dating scene when you’re ready. We know you’re still into this guy, but if you can keep a little of yourself open to meeting someone new, this might be a really nice thing for you.

Please leave us a follow up comment, and keep us posted. (Feel free to ask another question anytime.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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What happened with this guy?

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Recent questions:

My marine decided to call it quits; is there still hope?

Boyfriend who has a history of doing unsavory things

Dear Guys,

I joined a gym last year and started working out with one of the PTs. We worked out every other week which then turned into every week – he was good and I pushed myself when I was with him. We started talking outside of the gym through Facebook…he always contacted me and it soon became flirty. I figured this is just the way he is, keeping me sweet so I would stay with him as a PT. But the flirting became a bit more obvious at the gym, with his mates ribbing him when I was around; and I got messages from his mates through Facebook telling me he liked me. About 5 weeks ago, he quit the gym because it wasn’t working out for him. He didn’t tell me until the last day and said he could either pass me onto someone else or he would be happy to train ‘with’ me, which is what we continued to do.

A few weeks ago, he went out and got drunk and was texting me. He ended up telling me his heart was maybe mine. I chalked it up to him being drunk. But when I saw him the following week he played down how drunk he was saying by the end of the night he wasn’t at all drunk. This conversation continued later on after the gym and I invited him round the next night. He came round and we kissed and he stayed the night. We talked till about 2am and though it was a bit rushed in the morning it didn’t seem awkward.

Now he has stopped all contact with me. After standing me up at the gym and not responding to my text, I caught him on Facebook and asked him what was going on—not thinking I would get a response. He told me he didn’t want a relationship or anything, and his life/ head was messed up, and there were things I didn’t know about him. Once he told me, he quickly logged off so I sent him a message saying I understood and that I respected his decision. The next day I stupidly messaged his mate —the one who’d messaged me in the past— to find out if he was okay. The guy found out and had a huge go at me. I apologized straight away saying I was confused by how he was acting. He responded by telling me that if I was to continue to pester him I should get out of his life! I haven’t contacted him since then, but did he really just want one thing from me? It seems a lot of work for one night and that night could have happened a long time ago. He says it wasn’t a one night thing but I have lost a friend over this and it hurts! I never said I wanted a relationship so why has he just cut me out of his life like this?? Have I been completely fooled?!

Becs

Dear Becs,

Thanks for your question. (We’re going to read between the lines and assume the two of you were intimate with one another when he slept over. It sounds like it. )

No you haven’t been fooled. We actually agree with your assessment. We think this is a lot of work for a “one night stand.” Although, we won’t lie and say it’s not impossible he had a complete reversal in his desire for a relationship with you.

One thing important to note about guys: sometimes it takes having sex with someone for a guy to truly know whether or not he’s into a particular woman. Of course we would say: if a guy is truly in love with a woman he’ll make it work even if there aren’t fireworks in the bedroom. This latter type of guy believes relationships require commitment and effort, and with this type of mentality, it’s likely all aspects of the relationship will only get better and better. But a hefty percentage of guys will sleep with a woman before they’re 100% sure; and it’s not until AFTER the deed is done—when the chemicals in their bodies have gone back to normal levels—when they’re able to think clearly. That’s why we always say, make sure your man says I love you at other times besides right before sex.

But Becs, maybe his life is as messed up as he says it is. And maybe you don’t know him like he’s saying. Sure, this may be a ruse to throw you off his scent, a deflection to keep you from discovering the real truth: he slept with you only to realize he’s not into you. However, we think he’s telling the truth here. And if so, maybe he does need to get his “stuff” together before he’s able to be in a relationship. It would be nice if he could provide you with more details, which might help put your mind to rest, but that’s not going to happen. The two of you don’t know each other well enough, and it sounds like these other issues are things he’d like to keep private.

So this is one of those situations where you’re just going to always wonder what happened unfortunately. But rest assured, you certainly didn’t do anything wrong. This is all about him, not you. And who knows maybe he’ll come around, and at some point you’ll get the answers you’re looking for. But for now, respect his wishes, and move on with your life.

Good luck. Leave us a follow up comment and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Help: Can my guy change from his cheating past?

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Recent questions:

Being played by my woman?

How does he like to be licked? and… Am I too controlling?

Possible Porn Addict

We met and then I left the country

My marine decided to call it quits; is there still hope?

Boyfriend who has a history of doing unsavory things

Dear Guys,

Do you think a guy that has cheated on all his past girlfriend can actually settle now to one girl? Do you think the same type of guy can actually fall in love after a year into a relationship?

Katie

Dear Katie,

Thanks for your good question.

This is a very difficult one to answer. We can’t read your guy’s mind and see the state of his heart so it’s hard to say what’s really going on with him.

Are people able to change? Yes they can. Can your guy change his cheating ways? It’s possible, but it won’t be easy for him. The problem isn’t the various women in his life, or their “inadequacies,” it’s him. If he’s not willing to take a hard look at why he’s doing what he’s doing, and then start taking steps to change, he’ll continue his ways, even if he’s on hiatus right now.

People cheat for a lot of different reasons: they feel entitled, they can, they feel empty inside, they don’t have a clear sense of what’s in front of them, and what’s at stake if they do cheat. We can’t say where your guy falls in the “why” spectrum, but if he’s been a serial cheater he falls under one of those headings.

Katie, the question is: do you trust your guy, and do YOU think he can change? We’re curious to know if he’s already given you pause to wonder? It sounds like maybe he has since you’ve written to us asking the question. If you decide to stay with him, but are constantly wondering whether he’s going to cheat, or when he’s going to cheat, that’s going to be quite hard on you. And it’s no way to live your life.

We can’t give you a general answer because there isn’t one. Each individual is different. People can change, but they have to want to themselves. Your answer starts with him.

Good luck and keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

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Boyfriend loves me but lacks empathy for others

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Recent questions:

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We met and then I left the country

My marine decided to call it quits; is there still hope?

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Dear Guys,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. Its been a wonderful time and I have been so much happier with him in my life. However, he has a difficult side to him that I have until now tried to overlook. Although he treats me very well, he is not good with the other people in my life. He has no friends of his own —he did have one friend but he dropped contact with him when we got together. I think their friendship was based on checking out girls. He has nothing to do with his brother but refuses to tell me why. He does have a good relationship with his parents – mostly based on him and his dad’s love of steam trains. However, although I have gradually introduced him to most of my family and friends he makes a huge deal out of getting together with them so much so, that it is an incredibly difficult and stressful experience all round. He refused to go to my two best friends’ weddings for which I was a bridesmaid at both. He also refused to go to my nan’s funeral. He also seems to lack empathy with them – e.g. Not being sympathetic towards my mum when my nan died or to my sister when she had two miscarriages. In these two cases he was not unkind to their faces but has said to me that they should just get over it. He also decides who of my friends and family he will like before he meets them. – mostly he decides he won’t like them but a couple he almost hero worships. Now most recently he suggested meeting up with a friend of mine as we were passing her flat. This was a first for him to suggest doing something sociable – so I was really pleased. But then my friend was having a moan about her boyfriend – and he just came out with “well isn’t he into X.” (A fetish) My friend was mortified and of course angry and hurt that I had passed on this secret to him. He has not apologized to me or to her for saying this and doesn’t really seem to see what the problem was. (Luckily my friend has forgiven me for telling my boyfriend the secret but is still upset with him.) I feel that it was cruel of him and he admits that subconsciously it may well have been revenge for some comments that she had made about him in the past.

So having been very much in love this last two and a half years because he has been very loving to me, a great friend and a lot of fun, I am now feeling quite confused. How do I decide if his difficulty with people is just shyness or a more worrying lack of kindness, and whether it’s something I am willing to put up with or not!

Galatea

Dear Galatea,

Thanks for your question.

Your boyfriend sounds very nice in many ways–at least to you— so we can see how this unsettling characteristic of his would throw you for a loop. However, it doesn’t sound like this is something that is going away anytime soon. We’re going to address each of your concerns one by one.

Friends

Meeting a new person’s friends is an important step when evaluating the potential of a long term relationship. It’s always a relief when you realize your new love actually has friends, and even better, you kind of like them. It’s not necessarily a deal breaker if they don’t, but it sure feels reassuring when they do. This is how people determine whether or not they’re dating a stalker, or the man or woman they want to marry. Of course some people don’t need as many friends as other people, and your boyfriend could fall into that category.

Family

Another way of evaluating a person is interacting with their family. It’s nice to know your guy has a solid relationship with his parents—it doesn’t matter why really. But it would be useful to know why he’s not speaking to his brother. We think you should learn more about his family in general. What kinds of things did they do together? What are their beliefs? Religious or not? How was he raised? Political views? Education? All of those things will help fill in some of the blank canvas left from his lack of friends. And if he won’t talk to you about his family and his life, then you should be concerned. That is a serious red flag, especially since the two of you have been dating for a long time now, and we would think he would feel comfortable telling you his innermost thoughts and feelings.

Future

We’re not psychologists, psychiatrists, or therapists, but we do understand people fairly well. His lack of empathy is likely a coping mechanism he learned at an early age. We couldn’t begin to guess how it happened, but it might be something the two of you should talk about at some point, especially if you’re considering this man for your future spouse. And something to keep in mind: these types of behaviors only amplify as a person gets older.

You need to ask yourself some hard questions Galatea. (And we can see you are already doing this.) Am I okay with his behavior toward my family and friends? Will I be okay if I have to choose between my boyfriend/husband and my network of family and friends if it comes to that? How will this impact my children if we decide to have them? What kind of father do I think he’ll be? Will I feel isolated if we can’t work through some of these issues? Once the “new love” wears off, will his lack of empathy seep into our relationship as well, or his relationship with our kids? Is it possible for him to change? Does he want to change? And if he changes, is it just for me, or is it for his own growth?

We’d love to see this work out for you Galatea. We’re not here to tell you what to do, only to help you see the entire picture. It’s good that you’re wondering about all of this now, rather than after you’re already married. Keep gathering as much information as you can. Talk to your boyfriend about your concerns. Communication is very important. He should know that you’re worried about this. Talk to your friends and family. (Even though they don’t know him like you do, at least you’ll know where they stand and find out what they see that you might be missing.) And then once you have this information, it will be up to you to sift through it and figure out if this is going to work for you. We know it’s not easy, but it is necessary.

We wish you the best. Good luck. And keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

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