Relationship and Dating Advice: Chance meeting; now what?

Hey Guys,

I recently met a guy very randomly when out with my friends when visiting back home. (I work and live abroad). My guy friends said he was so ‘into me.’ He stayed with us all night, then stayed at the hotel with me. Stuff happened but no sex. In the morning he pretty much begged me not to forget him, and asked when I’d be back next; he suggested he visit me in November.

Okay, so it’s been  a few weeks and we have been messaging each other on Facebook and some messages are kind of nonchalant and others cute. I invited him in November which he thought was great then but then he didn’t mention it again and asked if I was home for Xmas. (Which I am).

Anyway, he does the whole thing where I message him and sometimes he waits over a day to respond. Now I’m a tough cookie and if he doesn’t message me I won’t message him, but I don’t want to play games. Surely if a guy is into you he shows it, right?

Now my guy friends are confused. They said it could be that I have a very high-powered job and a high standard of living, and he feels a little intimidated. They say, perhaps he can’t afford to travel over. They also said maybe he is playing it cool as he is divorced with two kids.

I’ve met a lot of materialistic men and it’s nice to finally meet someone who’s down to earth. I’ve had a very rough few years and I don’t want to be too hopeful.

Could it be that he lost interest already?

Emily

Emily,

Thanks for your question.

There’s something you may not be considering. (Or your guy friends.) You don’t mention how old his kids are, but we’re assuming in grade school, or middle school. If that’s the case, traveling to see you in November may be difficult. Yes, he got a little bit excited, and maybe he was more excited about the “idea” of you and love, rather than the reality, but having kids can definitely impact a person’s flexibility and freedom. And sure, money is likely tight as well. (Kids are really expensive!)

We doubt he’s intimidated by your high-powered job. But we also don’t doubt he’s unsure of how to proceed, or how accepting you’ll be of his “situation.” Maybe that’s what’s tempered his enthusiasm? Whatever it is, don’t stress over it. And don’t give him a hard time about coming or not coming in November. Just go with the flow, do your thing, and see him in December. You need more information here, and the best time to get that is when you’re with him face-to-face.

Finally, keep in touch with him, but let him do most of the initiating. We don’t love his inconsistent communication honestly, but that’s not necessarily a red-flag. (But it’s something to consider.) What it does mean is that he doesn’t get it; he doesn’t understand that communication is very important in any stage of a relationship. (Hopefully it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care.)

So stop worrying, and just see where this goes. It could be that he got excited initially and now he isn’t sure, but more likely this is one of those nebulous chapters in a relationship where everything is up in the air. December is right around the corner and we imagine you’ll get plenty more answers then.

We hope this helps. Do you have any more questions? Feel free to ask away. And do us a favor? Please share our site with friends. (Your guy and gal friends.) We appreciate it. Thanks.

THE GUYS

 

How do I begin a long distance relationship?

Dear Guys,

I recently met this girl through a mutual friend. We have been talking and have gotten to know each other pretty well. We went on a trip with our mutual friend and her boyfriend. The trip went well and we hit it off. She lives around 9-11 hours away if you drive. I’m just not sure what steps to take to pursue this relationship. I am used to going on dates but not sure how to keep this relationship going if we can’t see each other more than once every two months. I planned on going to visit her with our mutual friend but I just worry about going too fast.

All summed up, I am foreign to how to pursue a relationship when it starts long distance.

Nick

Dear Nick,

Thanks for your question. Obviously you feel this relationship has some potential. That’s great. Does she feel the same? That would be a good first step. (To find that out, that is) She has to be just as optimistic as you in order for this to get off the ground, because the very nature of a long distance relationship is more intense than a relationship where people are located in the same city. When someone declares they want to try a long distance relationship, they are declaring that they see something special. If she feels as you do, then you’re halfway home.

If she’s open to the idea, then don’t worry about how often you’ll visit, start by trying to talk to her on the phone or by Skype on a regular basis. If she’s willing to put the time in to talk, that will be a good indicator how open she is to seeing where this goes. Email, text, IM are also useful channels to keep communication flowing, but should be used as complements to talking on the phone. Since you’ll probably have differing views on how the communication will “look” that’s something you need to work out. For example: How many days a week will you talk? What time of day? Who will call who? How long will you talk? Yes, the details matter. Put out feelers to her and see what she wants. Remember, you want this to be fun for her, and you, not turn into a chore.

We also think resurrecting the ancient art of letter writing might be useful. Believe us, there’s nothing like getting a hand written letter in the mail. It will show her a different side of you. And an occasional package with a letter might be a neat way to spice things up and give her a little piece of you in between visits. Once again, keep the channels flowing.

Which brings us to visiting. Here, you also need to discuss the details. Believe us, the minutia matters. Insecurity and doubt will creep in quickly if one person is making more of an effort than the other. Issues to discuss: How often will you see each other? Who will pay for the plane or other expenses? (If that factors into the equation.) Will you vacation together? Will you alternate visits? In your case, you might need to be the one who offers to either visit, or pay for her to come see you.

If things progress well—we hope things do—remember what the goal is here. Making a long distance relationship work is only the short term goal. The actual goal is to be in the same city together, enjoying each other and building a life together. We’re not saying you need to create more pressure by throwing that topic into the mix right away, but that should certainly be part of the discussion at some point.

Is this enough to help you get started? Let us know if you have any other questions.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

 

 

Soon to be husband cheated; what do I do?

Another question about dating a guy from a different country: 

International long distance relationship; is it possible? 

________________________________

Dear Guys,

I feel hopeless and ashamed to talk to my girlfriends so I need The Guys help…..

I have dated my current boyfriend for five years and eight months to be exact. I found out he cheated on me with over five prostitutes three years ago. He swore he wouldn’t do it again and since I was stupid and love him, I trusted him again. We’ve been doing a long distance relationship (because of work) since Aug 2009 (6 months after I found out he cheated) and we meet once a year for about three weeks usually.

I used to think we had a good long-distance relationship going even after he cheated because we talked on the phone a couple times a day. (Basically I know his routines and friends even though it’s long distance.)

I flew over and met him again last week, just to find out that he constantly has been visiting dating sites and still checking online postings for random sex. He said it was because he was lonely but he did not do anything. He says he was just curious to check out their pictures. He also has an interest in having intimacy with same sex. Sounds terrible heh…. but I can’t let go because I’ve been so emotionally attached to him. We plan to get married in August of next year and I plan on moving back to his country next January. I don’t know what to do… I feel hopeless. And maybe only you guys and God can help.

He said he would do anything to rebuild the trust (e.g. he would go to church with me, go to counseling, give me his bank account etc) But I feel that it’s really hard to trust him again. What should I do? If your advice is for me to leave him, please teach me how to let go……

Million thanks,
Kay

Dear Kay,

We’re really sorry you’re going through a difficult time. But please don’t feel ashamed. You’re not the first or the last to go through this kind of thing. Many people deal with trust issues in their relationships.

Long distance relationships are difficult and can put a strain on even the strongest of bonds. The fact that you only see each other three weeks out of the year, means there are more weeks than not, that the two of you are alone. We understand that he might have some physical needs, but if he truly was committed to you, he would figure out how to fulfill those needs without seeking out the company of other women, especially prostitutes. (That could be a health risk to you as well.)

Let’s take it a step further. What happens when the two of you get married, and let’s say you have a baby together? All of a sudden you’re busy, tired, and he’s not getting what he needs as often. Is he going to start hooking up with other women then? It’s a red-flag that when the going is tough he resorts to this kind of behavior. Because as you know, relationships have a lot of “ups” but they also have a lot of “downs.”

It’s clear that you love this man, but do you think you could trust him if the two of you got married? Because you’re going to be even more miserable if you get married and then realize you still can’t trust him. You don’t want to live your life constantly worried that your spouse is cheating on you, or that he might cheat on you.

So we advise you to think long and hard before you decide to get married to this man. We can’t and won’t tell you what you should do—only you can figure that out. But there are some important issues to figure out here. Think about what you want, and what you can handle, and then go from there.

So what do you think? Leave us a comment, and feel free to ask us a follow up question.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (Use PayPal button on any page of our site) Thanks!

 

International long distance relationship; Too many complications

Read for more info on this topic: International long distance; is it possible

Hello Guys,

I met this guy about four months ago on social networking site. At that time, I was just getting out of a year-long relationship and was not looking for anything serious. He was trying to figure out what to do with his ex-wife who can’t seem to make up her mind about him. Divorce is kind of new in their country. We both have sons from previous marriages. In our conversations, we also spoke about his mom (who was dying at that time). He asked me to visit his country after a month of talking. I agreed.

I was unprepared for who he really was when I met him. He turned out to be a very successful businessman who gave me such an awesome fairy-tale holiday. We were very couple-ish during my stay and he was doing everything above and beyond to please me. We both have this amazing connection to each other. But I was trying so hard to keep it casual because I had no idea where this was going.

I went back to my country and was convinced it was just a fling. (And a great one at that.) But then he continued to call me, message me, tell me he misses me. I was floored because there really isn’t anything else to do. We already had sex so I don’t know what else is there for us. But he said he’s happy with going with the flow. That’s all there is, as this is long distance. Neither would consider relocating to each other’s country.

But we continued to talk and solidify our bond. Until one day two months back, his ex-wife shows up along with their kid saying she wants him back. Again. She’s been doing that for the last six years since they divorced. Anyway, he calls me to explain everything. I was cool about it. In fact, I was wondering why he needed to call. We were just friends. He couldn’t kick her out as that would have customary and social implications in their country. I took the high road and walked away but never lost touch really. Mostly because he reaches out first.

Now we’re seeing each other for another holiday in Bangkok which he says is a gift and then he’s coming to visit my country. And I’m already at my wits end figuring out what he wants from me. Because with everything he’s done, he’s never said how he feels for me. As in zero. Nothing. I on the other hand have feelings for him.

Help!

Tash

Dear Tash,

Thanks for your question.

Considering the situation, and the fact that neither of you is willing to move, we’re not sure what you’re going to get out of this other than frustration. Throw in the fact that he operates under the control of his ex-wife—who may or may not become his wife again—we only see you falling neatly into the role of the “other woman.” Because if he’s back together with his ex-wife, then you are the person he’s having an affair with, which means he’s now cheating on her.

He’s definitely attracted to you and enjoys your company on many levels, otherwise he wouldn’t be trying to see you again. However, if you decide you want to be with him understand that this is not going to give you the fairy tale ending. He’s going to get his cake and eat it too, and you’re going to be an occasional fling he enjoys a few times a year. We only see you becoming more confused and more frustrated no matter how great the connection is, and no matter how wonderful your time is with him.

We’re not judging here we’re just stating the facts from an objective perspective. You need to decide if you’re okay with the parameters of the relationship and then make your decision whether to see him again.

Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us a follow up question. We’ll respond in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! You might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” 

 

 

A confusing long distance romance

Dear Guys,

I have a situation that is completely interesting and confusing as all…

I have built a friendship with a person that I met through a friend. Well, I never physically met him until recently. I have known him for almost two years and he was my go-to “funny guy.” I would call him and bounce everything off of him. Funny dates, tragic dates, relationships, job searching, everything!

He was refreshing to me and I was amazed that I confided so much in someone that I had never been in the same room with.

Well, I got engaged and then called it off last summer. He waited a month or so and then laid everything on the line and told me that he was crazy about me. He went on and on for about 45 minutes. I was in shock and not ready to receive what he was telling me. After all, I had NEVER physically met him! I wasn’t sure if I was sexually attracted to him.

Then, I started dating someone locally and enjoyed a si month relationship with that person. In the meantime, my “long distance friend” kinda fell off the radar. He called me mid-relationship with this other guy to apologize for falling off of the radar and promised to never allow that to happen again. He said that he missed our laughing and jokes and conversations and really needed that back in his life.

I am going to be honest, I was fairly aloof to his absence (due to the other guy). So, I assured him that I was not upset at all. We started contacting each other…but not nearly as much as before.

Well, my relationship ended with the other guy and I reached out to my “long distance friend” for consoling. He was solid. However, this time he was clear that he was drawing the line and needed me to know that he wanted to meet me. He did everything possible to convince me to give “us” a shot. Two months later he texts me a question, “What are you doing for dinner?” He had bought a flight and was coming to see me. He was laying it all out there.

He told me that he had butterflies…that he HAD to see me…that he could not wait any longer. So, I was a nervous wreck when I picked him up from the airport. Needless to say, we hit it off amazingly. I have been to his city twice to see him and I find myself feeling more for him than I ever thought I could.

He has said that he loves me…but only after a couple of drinks. I have never said it. However, I do find myself arranging time to see each other more than he does. One caveat…he has been laid off and feels that he cannot give anything to me until he finds a new job.

How do I walk this path? Does this man love me? How do I not over-think this? Please help me to navigate these foreign waters?

Is he still into me and why do I care?? This is all too surreal…

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

Thanks for your question.

Sure, these may be foreign waters but the feelings and emotions are familiar. These days, people meet in all sorts of different ways. So the “how” is not so important as the “who.” Meaning, is he truly the guy you think he is. And from what you’re saying, it sounds like it.

So why not just go with it? Stop over-thinking this. Worst case, it doesn’t work out, and you move forward with your life. Best case—well…. that’s probably pretty good. Sure, it’s difficult when it’s long distance and you have to rely on words—sometimes typed—instead of expressions and physical touch. But, if he’s making an effort to see you, and says he loves you—drink or no drink—then it’s a pretty good indication he’s trying to give this a go.

The only red flag for us, and really it’s not that big of a red flag is the reaction to his job situation. Yes, guys want to be providers. And their egos are often tied into their careers. But the fact that he’s pulling back just because he’s out of work puzzles us. If you were talking marriage or kids we can see how he might be hesitant until he’s back on his feet, but when you’re at the beginning stages of getting to know someone being out of work is not a great reason to put on the brakes. So that’s certainly something to consider. (We think you should talk to him about it. And let him know that it’s okay. Let him know you support him. Not financially, but emotionally until he finds work.)

But all in all, this sounds fun and exciting. Let yourself enjoy it, and hopefully it will keep moving forward. And if it doesn’t, well, you’ll still have a great story to tell.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And keep us posted as this progresses. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs”  page. You might enjoy reading some of the women guest writers.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about long distance relationships:

International Long Distance; is it possible?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

An ex that comes back and now has cancer

Hi There,

A year ago I met a man online by that certain website that ‘matches’ us. It was only a trial membership, but as the saying goes…’never say never’. Anyway, this man lives in N.Carolina and I live in Chicago. I winked at him apparently but I don’t remember that part. Let’s just call him John. John wanted to come to Chicago to meet me and I had some reservations due to the long distance. John travels for a living, and at that time I was kind of looking for someone who travels, as my job sometimes caused me to travel.

Now John and I are both divorced and both have a son. My son is older and my plans are to move from Chicago once my son graduates from high school. Fast forward. John and I had several obstacles due to our schedules and after three months he decided it was too hard and it was best to move on. I was devastated, more then I ever expected. I really started to fall in love with John. I know in my heart, he too felt the same, but was trying to be the good man that he is and be honest and told me it was best we move on and that he wished things could be different with our situation. He wanted to remain friends, and I couldn’t. It would be too hard for me. John was shocked about that.

So a year goes by and John reaches out to me. A whole year of my trying to move on and date other people. I had so much emotion when I finally saw his text that I had to control myself. It seems what I felt inside was still very much alive and buried deep, and even caught me by surprise. So it took me a while to reply to him. I made it clear that I wanted a relationship and that I deserved someone who wants me as much as I want them. He agreed we should see each other because he felt something was there, and that he was thinking of me. So we started to make plans for him to come to Chicago. In a time span of two weeks of planning to see each other, John calls me to tell me he had come back from the doctor and he has testicular cancer.  My heart sank. All I kept thinking is….he can’t die….there is no way this man came back into my life to die. So I stayed strong and did everything I could (from a distance) to be there and supportive.

Slowly…John started to sound depressed, and scared, and his demeanor became distant. He was dealing with work and family and me …out there far away. John had surgery and had a good prognosis of just needing radiation. This kind of cancer is curable, and he didn’t tell me what stage, but being in healthcare I know that him not having chemo was a good sign. The irony of all this is that my ex-husband also had testicular cancer. Just my luck. Only difference is that I love John far more then my ex-husband. So we had to push our meeting back until after his surgery.

On February 24 John came to Chicago, thin , frail and still healing only two-and-a-half weeks after surgery. To see me. He spent three days with me. He seemed not himself, for what I sensed what he was just going through. Conversations led to tears and past hurts he had from relationships that caused him great pain, and all of sudden his doubts and fears about hurt and trust were surfacing. After a year of not speaking, to this….I didn’t know what to think. I felt like he wanted to end things to do the noble thing…once again. Was it the cancer, was it me?

He wanted me back in his life, before he got diagnosed, so why now is he changing his mind? We basically said our goodbyes at the airport. He was crying and I think afraid that I told him I love him. At this point I had nothing more to lose to let him know. I know it probably made him scared but I don’t care. Do you think I will hear from him? All he kept saying is that he didn’t have the same strong feelings that I had for him. But initially before the cancer diagnosis, he felt something was there and when I told him I wanted a relationship, he agreed and wanted to see me. It all changed when the cancer happened. As sore as he was we did make love when he was with me. I believe that he loves me but is scared now. I can’t stop crying and I miss him so much. Could someone just not care just like that? I did email him to tell him that I still want to be with him and that I am there. No response. I dont know how to move past this. It’s like I am grieving and so worried about him.

Will I ever hear from him? Please help.

Concetta

Dear Concetta,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.

When someone is faced with a personal challenge—especially when it’s health related like cancer—they often try to surround themselves with the people they love for support. You certainly fall into this category for him. It’s not like he moved on from your relationship because he didn’t care about you, he just felt the whole thing was a bit too difficult to try and manage. But when he found out he had cancer, all of a sudden he realized how much he missed you in his life.

But what also happened is he ignored some of the other feelings he may have had—or not had—for you. Meaning, the emotional state he was (and is) in caused him only to remember what he missed about you, but when the two of you got together he realized that he doesn’t feel for you, they way you feel for him. He’s not ignoring you now because he doesn’t care; he’s ignoring you because he realizes to entertain any sort of dialogue with you would be leading you on.

We wish we could give you more hopeful news but that’s how we see it. The best thing to do is be there for him as a friend—if this is possible—and see how it goes. It is possible his past relationships are impacting his ability to move forward with you, but if he’s telling you he doesn’t feel how you feel, then all you can do is take him at his word. Remember, as much as you love him, you still don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you, as you feel about them.

Take care of yourself Concetta. Try and be strong. But you might really need to consider moving on, as difficult as that may be. Feel free to ask us any follow up questions. Leave us a note in the comments section. We’ll respond there.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

 

 

Distrust in a long distance military marriage

Other questions about dating in the military: 

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

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Dear Guys,

My husband and I have been married for close to a year. We are both in the military and we are stationed at separate bases. For a long time we handled the long distance relationship well and we were very happy with each other even though we could only get together every couple of months.

My husband is a good man but I have been noticing lately that it doesn’t seem like he trusts me. It started a little bit before we got married and has gotten worse now that we have been apart for so long. My husband is nearly ten years my senior and was raised in a religious background that he doesn’t hold firmly to but that does influence his thought and ideals which I am beginning to notice are a bit different than my own.

I am very independent and with wild inclinations but not to the point where I would be unfaithful. My life has become quite solitary with our relationship and more so since I have began to notice his trust issues which started with him playing mind games to see if he could catch me in some kind of a lie. To add insult to injury he came and visited for the holidays and I introduced him to my best girlfriend with whom I spend a great deal of time as I can be very inclined not to go out and be social. And one morning at about 2am, he got up and drove to her house and started interrogating her about my activities in his absence. My friend confessed this to me after he had left and I have not brought it up with him as he has not mentioned it to me. My friend mentioned that he had asked her many questions about me and what we did together and that he would ask the same questions to her over and over in a different way trying to see if he could catch her lying.

With all of his prodding in the last year it have been very hard for me to communicate with him because I have concerns that my ideals will not be up to his standards and I feel that in some ways I am already failing to be a good wife because I am feeling less and less inclined to share myself with him. He frequently consults other people regarding our relationship but never in my presence and when I have heard him discussing it over the phone his tone is unsettling in a way that is difficult to describe.

He says that he loves me but I am beginning to wonder if this is possible with how little he trusts me. I am beginning to believe that I have made a mistake in marrying him and that perhaps we rushed it out of fear. Any guidance would be deeply appreciated on the matter as I do not know how to proceed with this and I don’t think I will be able to keep it up for too much longer.

Aura

Dear Aura,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re having some trust issues in your marriage. But we’re just wondering how did it get to this point? You say the two of you were happy for quite a while so when did it all change? Was there a specific incident that triggered his insecurities and now has caused him to distrust you? Please leave us a comment and fill us in.

What we can’t understand is why the two of you aren’t talking about all of this? He should be speaking directly with you about how he’s feeling—not speaking with your friend, or playing mind games with you—and you should be addressing your concerns directly with him. Relationships are built on trust, but trust is built on solid communication. Right now you have neither. And if you really want to make this work the two of you need to at least agree that you’re going to talk about all the issues the next time you see each other.

As far as you doubting his love for you… This does not sound like a man who’s fallen out of love. On the contrary it sounds like a man who’s very much in love, but insecure about where he stands with his wife. Sure, he may have a proclivity for distrust and those are issues he needs to work on himself, but you need to ask yourself if there’s anything you’re doing to fuel his worry. We’re not saying you’re to blame—you’re not— but if you truly love him and want this marriage to work, it’s worth taking a hard look at your own actions to see if you can help ease his mind.

Successful marriages require work. And they are not always easy. And the fact that you have the added stress of being away from each other, especially as newlyweds, makes this situation even more overwhelming. But before you make any big decisions about your marriage we believe you need to both start working towards understanding how the other person is feeling. You need to start talking to one another because that’s what people who care about each other do. Don’t you want to know why he’s feeling the way he is? And he should absolutely want to know how you’re feeling and why.

Your man is struggling. His mind is swirling out of control with wild thoughts of what you might be doing and he probably has no one to talk about how he’s feeling. And the thing is, he’s not different from most guys. Typically men don’t discuss their relationships with other men, because they don’t like to admit that things aren’t working for them. So imagine him, alone, sitting in his room, making up scenarios in his head about everything you’re doing, and then spinning them for hours and hours. Not a pretty scene. (It might help him a lot to talk to someone—a professional counselor perhaps—about all his insecurities, worries and fears.)

But you could certainly help allay some of his fears by reassuring him that you love him and that you’re being a faithful wife with both your actions and intentions. Why don’t you try and be that person for him? He really needs you right now. And then, after you try to do everything you can to make this work, you’ll be able to make a more informed decision about whether you actually made a mistake to get married. It is possible the two of you are not a great match, but it’s too early to make that decision. See if you can get to the bottom of what’s going on first.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up question and/or comment. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

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Long distance “friends” or something more?

Visit our Video Page. Watch our latest: Friends with Benefits

Dear Guys,

So I have been friends with this guy for eleven years; we actually went out on one date right before he told me he was moving to the US for work. He also told me he would be back in a year or two. Eleven years later, he is still there.

Well after he left we chatted over email for a bit. But then as time went on I met my now ex (after 8 years) and he was dating other girls and we both lived our lives.

We have always stayed in contact, making plans to get together when he visited home. He would also ask me to come visit. But we actually never, ever met up at all over the eleven years. That is until this Xmas. He and I finally met up for the first time we were both single.

We get along really well, and find each other very attractive. And we slept together for the first time during his visit. As he put it, “It took eleven years for things to align.”

Now that he is back in the US I think about him constantly; it’s a problem :) Since I’ve had a crush on him for eleven years and now I finally got a taste of what it would be like, he’s all I want. We still chat via text/email and sometimes dirty texts are exchanged. But I’m too shy to actually make a move and go see him in case he thinks we are just friends. And I’m too shy to go out on a limb and ask him to be with me. No one wants to be rejected.

How do you take a friendship to the next level when they are so far away?

And is it okay to be the one to make a move? Should that be the guy’s job??

:)

Sandra

Dear Sandra,

Thanks for your question.

Ideally it would be the guy’s “job” to take the initiative and move your relationship to the next level. But he’s not doing that, at least not yet. But the two of you are communicating a lot right? So it seems that he’s willing to put some time into keeping the lines open, so that’s a positive.

The question we have for you is, didn’t you already sleep with him? And if so, that definitely catapults you from just friends to something else. What that “something else” is, is not clear, but it’s definitely not just friends or “Friends with Benefits.”

“Friends with Benefits” is an arrangement of convenience. It’s an arrangement that’s easy, with no strings attached. Your situation is anything but convenient, and it’s anything but easy. And a mutual crush for eleven years or longer is not something you should underestimate. That’s a long time to be thinking of someone. Sure some of those feelings may fall into the fantasy realm, but it’s way too soon to think he doesn’t want to explore any further.

Another reason he might be dragging his feet is because you live in two different countries. It would be a huge deal for you to move, or for him to move. But the fact is, in order for you to really know whether you have something special the two of you need to spend much more time together. So maybe it’s time for you to take a deep breath, put aside your shyness, and just go for it.

The only way to take this relationship to the next level is by talking about what you really want, or what you potentially might really want. We think it’s okay to tell him all of this because you’ve known him for so long and have had this mutual attraction for so long. It’s not like you just met in a bar one weekend and then he moved to a different country. The two of you have some sort of history together which gives your situation more potential.

Why don’t you “slow play” this for another month or so, and then in late March/early April, if he hasn’t suggested a visit, or talked about the relationship, bring it up yourself. Yes, Sandra, being rejected frankly stinks. But we still think it’s better to have some sort of information rather than wonder what’s going on. And it is possible that he’ll be relieved that you brought it up because he could be as nervous and scared as you, and fear being rejected as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

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Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

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Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

___________________________________

Dear Guys,

So my boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year now. We love each other and we both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. But our families don’t believe that our relationship will hang on through college. I’m going to college to be a teacher after my senior year next year, but he’s going to college to be a doctor next year. We probably won’t get into the same college, so I’m afraid that being in different schools for so many years will be really hard.

Do you have any advice for us?

Grace

Dear Grace, 

Thanks for your question.

Your family members are offering their opinions based on percentages, not necessarily because they don’t approve of your relationship. The fact is, most high school relationships don’t last. That doesn’t mean they can’t, it’s just that most people don’t marry their high school sweetheart. Why? Because it’s difficult two keep two people focused, committed, and on the same page, as they traverse through life and gain new experiences. But it’s not impossible.

The first step is commitment. Both you and your boyfriend need to be completely committed to one another. Being at the same school, or in the same town, makes it relatively easy. You see each other every day and you’re constantly affirming your love for each other. But when one person moves away it’s sometimes easy to forget what a great thing you left behind, especially when life is full of interesting new distractions: intense studies, new friends, and beautiful co-eds. These kinds of distractions can easily disrupt even the most seasoned person’s focus and commitment. But for a young person, living on their own for the first time, it’s even more difficult.

So Grace, here are some suggestions to help you keep the connection strong while the two of you are at different colleges. These are not set in stone because life doesn’t always follow a straight and narrow path, but these will help you cover a few important bases.

First: You need to have a discussion BEFORE he leaves on how, and how often, the two of you will communicate. Will it be by phone? By text? Email? IM? And, will you “talk” every day, every other day, once a week? And for how long? And at what times of the day? If the two of you are at different colleges that means your schedules will no longer be in sync. So when will you talk? There will be many times when one of you will be busy with some project or social commitment, etc. How will you handle that? How will the two of you compromise and work this out?

Second: You need to talk about how often you’ll visit. Who will visit whom? Will you alternate visits? And who will pay for plane flights, etc.? You might think this is too basic to even discuss but from our experience the minutia matters. It’s better to discuss something ad nauseum, than be dealt with some surprise you’re not prepared for.

Third: You both need to express your commitment and love for each other often. You won’t be able to rely on touch or proximity when communicating how you feel about one another. So you’ll be forced to communicate verbally or by words on a screen. It won’t be the time to hold back. Be expressive. In order for both of you to feel secure, you both need reassure one another daily about your commitment.

Finally: It’s all about trust Grace. Distance is good at boring holes in the foundation of a relationship. It can cause even the most caring of partners to wonder what’s really going on? But if the two of you work on the relationship daily, and pay attention to how you communicate, the distance shouldn’t crumble your foundation.

We certainly hope this works out for both of you. Sure, life is full of distractions, but if the two of you really love and trust one another, it is possible to make it work.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And give us some love on Twitter. Thanks! @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

 

 

Long distance false start: Can I get it going again?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Readers: Scroll to bottom of post for more questions about Long Distance Relationships.

__________________________

Hi Guys,

I met an amazing man on a vacation last March.  He was very clearly smitten with me. And although we live far away from each other, he seemed really interested in pursuing a relationship following the vacation. We texted and called each other several times a day for several weeks following the trip and talked about future trips we’d like to plan together.

At first it was platonic, because I had not yet ended my long term, yet failing relationship, back home. But, when I felt myself really falling for this new guy, I felt both elated and guilty. I felt sure I’d met a man I could spend the rest of my life with. He was kind and inclusive and interested and shared deep feelings with me. He talked about what life would be like if we were in it for the long term. Mutual friends from the vacation felt sure that I could have him if I wanted him. But, I also wanted to be honorable and kind to my old boyfriend and settle things with him before moving into something new. When I was honest about this, the new guy was at first very understanding, but as I took a few weeks to settle with my ex, my new guy became discouraged and decided we should just be friends, and he opted to date someone local instead.

A mutual friend says that new guy was incredibly into me, but he couldn’t see it working because I was still involved with my ex and then he talked himself out of it due to the long-distance. About a month later, new guy contacted me again and told me that he wasn’t that into his new girl. He said he felt comfortable with her, but that she wasn’t very exciting and staying with her might be like settling. Perhaps he was feeling out my situation. He invited me to travel with him. I was not available to travel at the time but I told him how happy I was to hear from him. But, I’ve hardly heard from him since.

He’s still with the other girl. What happened? Has he decided to just settle with her? Has their relationship grown close? What now? Do I contact him to declare my feelings? Do I just try to occasionally communicate as friends and hope that he’ll take the initiative again some day? Do I cut him off entirely so I don’t feel tortured anymore?  The problem is that I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life.  My feelings were so strong for him and his for me during those first few weeks. So strong that I can’t get him out of my mind and I don’t want to forget about him.  What should I do?

Mia

Dear Mia,

Thanks for your question.

It seems to us that this guy’s uncertainty stems from your situation with your ex-boyfriend, not because he’s not into you. And while we very much respect how you handled breaking up with your ex it’s now time to reach out to this new guy. If you really like him as much as you say you do why are you making him work so hard? And when he contacted you again, why wouldn’t you offer him some other possibility to get together even if you couldn’t travel at the time? Now what is he supposed to think? So the ball is clearly in your court. You’ve got to be the one to take the initiative.

Remember Mia, the nature of this situation is very tenuous. You met on vacation. And as you know vacations always have an element of fantasy to them. Not only do you travel to a new place, but in some ways you travel away from yourself. Often when you meet someone in that setting it can get intense quickly. But when people return to their daily lives that’s when doubts and insecurities can start developing. (They did for him) So yes, he might have been understanding at first, and probably respected you for being honorable with your boyfriend, but a man can only take so much, especially if he’s only known you for a week. And so we imagine he started questioning himself. “Do I really know this woman? What am I doing? Was this something I just made up in my head? Maybe she’s not as into me as I’m into her?”

But you ask, “Why is he dating this other girl?” Unfortunately it’s for comfort, which isn’t great for her. But this guy has convinced himself that the situation with you–the girl of his dreams possibly—isn’t going to work, so he’s seeking solace in another woman’s arms or bed. And while we don’t condone taking advantage of another woman we completely understand why he’s doing it. And probably there’s an element of ‘well she did it so I’m going to as well’ going on.

So to answer your question, yes, you can get this going again. But the ball is in your court. And frankly what do you have to lose by telling him how you feel? Life is full of risks, but putting your heart on the line for love seems well worth it. If it doesn’t work out at least you’ll have no regrets. And if it does, well you know better than we do how that will feel.

Be strong and just go for it.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. In person, on Twitter, on Facebook. Thanks. And consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

 

My guy left the country and I’m confused about break up

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

___________________________   

Dear Guys,

Earlier this year I got very badly heartbroken when I broke up with a guy who told me he loved me, but then showed me that he didn’t actually know me at all and didn’t care who I was and what I liked—almost as if he was reading a book on how to have a relationship and following the advice in the book without looking at me. Then I felt like I would never find anyone who is truly interested in me rather than the idea they have of me.

But then I met this guy from South America and we started dating. But now I am very confused about the relationship. He and I talked a lot about how we see life and love, and agreed on everything basic; we had wonderful discussions about other things as well— movies, music, etc And if we didn’t agree we had healthy debates. On top of that we did many things together that we both enjoyed and had a really great time, walking around the city for hours just talking til the early morning hours. I was very hesitant in the beginning to really give it a go due to my earlier experiences and at a certain point he told me about a really bad experience he had had, which he thought was holding him back from really getting into the kind of relationship he wanted. He wants to be able to open up and be completely into it with his heart and soul. He said he often does things that prevent this in order to not get hurt again. He also said that he felt we have a real connection and something true and that this doesn’t happen often to him. (Just twice so far.)

However then I did something stupid and told him about it in an even more stupid way—basically blurting it out in a conversation without thinking—that reminded him of his earlier bad experience. He believes me that I didn’t do it on purpose or to hurt him and that it’s not a big deal for anyone except for him but he lost his trust in me a bit and feels uncomfortable because he knows I can hurt him. He also knows that I won’t do this ever again but he needs time to let this bad feeling go.

Unfortunately we don’t have time. He will leave to another country in 2 months and we’ve just been dating for 2.5 months. Although he says we have a true connection he doesn’t want a long-distance-relationship even when I would be happy to follow him at a certain point if everything goes well. He said he wants “real things” in his life and doesn’t want to wait for things to happen anymore. It was hard and tearful and at the end I said that I wish him a happy life and he responded slightly upset that I shouldn’t be saying we wouldn’t see each other again. But I told him that if he leaves to another country it’s not likely we’ll see each other again and I need to forget him.

I really don’t know what to make out of all this. Don’t get me wrong, I know 2.5 months is not long to judge whether or not a relationship will work but I haven’t had a connection with someone like this in a long time and I know he feels the same way. And I would be up for giving the long distance a try nevertheless. (It’s just a 2 hour flight). But he won’t have any of that.

He also forgave me for the stupid thing I did and explained how he felt about it and that if he didn’t care for me he would have just turned his back. Everything he does when he is with me shows me that he really likes me and cares for me but then he says we don’t have a future…. “but I’m not saying ever, maybe in the future – just now we want different things in life.”
I am heartbroken at the moment and I know I have to go on but this whole relationship confused me so much and I don’t know if there is still a chance for us, as his actions and words are so contradictory. I feel this is not clear cut, not a real break-up; it feels unfinished and that drives me mad as I will never know what could have been….

Salome

Dear Salome,

Thank you for your question.

We’re sorry you’re going through a difficult time right now. But you can’t blame yourself entirely. You may have formed a great connection in the 2 1/2 months you were with this guy, but that’s still not enough time to really know who he is. People are complex, and if he’s been hurt before, it’s likely his “baggage” is what’s preventing this relationship from progressing.

It’s unfortunate that your relationship was tested so early on. Timing is always a huge factor in relationships, and it often determines whether or not a relationship will move from the dating stage, to the serious stage, to an actual long term commitment. In your situation—him leaving the country—the timing just isn’t there for you. For you, this doesn’t seem to be a deterrent, but for him it is. But it could also just be an easy way for him to make an exit.

This “mistake” you made—you didn’t mention it to us—might be playing a part in his trust issues, but honestly it doesn’t sound like what you did was so bad that he would throw in the towel because of it. Of course we’re sure it didn’t help, but it’s more likely it just added fuel to his existing insecurities and fears about relationships.

We wish we could give you a definitive answer here Salome. But unfortunately we can’t. He seems open to reuniting in the future, but who knows if and when that will happen. The best thing you can do is let yourself be sad for a bit, reflect on what you learned, pick yourself up, and move on.

You sound like a very caring person. There are plenty of guys out there who will be able to appreciate a woman like you.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

 

He speaks in facts, she in emotions: Studying abroad; should I break up or do long distance?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

_______________________________

Dear Guys,

I am 25 years old and my girlfriend is 24. We’ve been dating for exactly one year, though we had been friends for two years before that. She is my first serious girlfriend. Before her I had only flings. I love her very much and I’m sure she feels the same way. We see each other almost every day; we’re best friend and have complete physical intimacy. In this year we’ve been through some fights. Two of them were pretty serious and we almost broke up. The reasons for these fights were always very silly (for me) and I managed to convince her of that and avoid breaking up. We agreed that the reasons for all of our fights were lame compared to the love we feel for each other and made a pact for being more tolerant and reasonable. Since then we didn’t fight anymore and the relashionship is at its best.

I’m an engineering graduate and currently have an excelent job that pays me well. But the firm I work for is going to be sold in a couple of months and I will have to keep working for them for one more year. After that I will leave the company. I thought this was a good opportunity to accomplish one of my goals in life that is to get a good MBA degree. To do so I will have to go abroad for one year. I would love if she could come with me but she still has two years to complete college.

She overheard my conversation with a friend about my MBA plans and asked me if I intended to go abroad. I told her the truth: yes, I want to go but only in September 2013. That’s a year and a half from now, more than twice the duration of our relationship. I proposed to her that we keep dating during this period and break up only when I leave. From then on we live our lives separately and that includes meeting other people. My intention is to get back together when I come back from the MBA.

She, on the other hand, thinks differently. She said she prefers to break up right now even even though she would suffer a lot since she loves me very much. But when she overcomes the suffering she would be free to find another man and not “waste her time investing in a relationship destined to end.” She doesn’t think we will get back together when I come back nor that she could bear thinking of me dating other girls while I’m away.

I don’t want to break up right now mainly for three reasons:

-       Living in the same city we would bump with each other all the time and know about each other’s lives, making it much harder to forget. If we wait until I go, the distance will make being apart easier.

-       During the period that I’m still here we can have a great time together. We’re talking about one and a half years. Almost twice the time we’ve been together. The bond created in this period will be strong enough to survive the year apart. (I think)

-       I think in my heart that we will get back together when I come back. (I know one year is a long time and I will gain lots of experience and may change my mind. And that’s what she’s afraid of.)

Well, I would be glad if you guys could help me out. Am I missing something? How can I convince her of staying together until I go?

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your question.

How do we say this nicely? Yes, you are missing something. Actually you’re missing everything on this one. And this is a classic example of the different ways men and women think.

You’re giving her facts and she wants emotions. She wants you to tell her that you love her so much that you’ll do anything to make it work, even if you have to go away for a year. She wants you to reassure her that nothing will come between the two of you, even if you’re far away. She wants you to be strong and tell her it’s all going to work out. (Sure, ultimately she doesn’t want you to go, but she might come around if you sang a different tune with her.)

But you’re not doing any of that. You’re treating the relationship like it’s a business. This is what she’s hearing from you: “In a year and a half, we’ll dissolve the company and split the earnings 50/50, and then maybe we’ll put the company back together when I get back.” So why would she want to stick around, knowing that in the near future the two of you will be breaking up? Women don’t work that way.

From your point of view, you see only benefits from having this sort of arrangement. And we understand. Having a wonderful woman to hang out with, go on dates with, and have sex with is a great thing. And when you combine that with a fulfilling career it’s a great combination. But once again, she doesn’t give a (blank) about any of that.

But having said all of this Thomas we do understand where you’re coming from. It seems like you might really love this woman but you just want to be 100% sure. And you don’t want to give up your career aspirations quite yet in order to have her. And guess what? We totally get it. You’re young, and it’s okay to put your needs first, and frankly you probably should, because if you’re feeling this strongly about pursuing school and furthering your career, you’ll probably be quite resentful later in life if your plans were to be derailed by this relationship. And the fact that she’s your first serious girlfriend makes us think you’d like to explore more in that department as well.

But it all comes down to timing doesn’t it? When people say “love conquers all” they are forgetting to factor in the all important “timing” variable. And this is what we’re seeing here. The timing is a bit off. But unfortunately Thomas you can’t have it both ways. She’s probably isn’t going to want to wait around while you figure this all out. (Although see below for the one caveat.) So you either need to stay with her, and see if you can give a long distance relationship a chance, or break up. (And please don’t make promises to do a long distance relationship but then break up with her just as you’re leaving. That would only perpetuate some women’s perceptions that guys are not to be trusted, which is not true.)

So Thomas, please stop treating this like a business decision and really start having some heartfelt conversations with the woman you love. And we’ll let you in on a little secret. (Our caveat) If you’re honest, and treat her with respect and love, even if you do break up now, and you go away for awhile, it’s likely if she’s still single, her heart will still be open to you. However, if you continue treating her like she’s a business partner you won’t ever have another chance with her.

We wish you the best in figuring all of this out. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And we’d love to hear what you think about all of this. And what you ultimately end up doing. Keep us posted. We’ll respond in the comments section as well.

(And readers: Please comment as well. We love a great discussion!)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

 

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

 

 

Long distance relationship: He cheated on me and told me

Dear Guys,

Let’s start out by saying I’m 17 and he’s now 20. We met a year and a half ago in Maryland. I live in Alabama but my dad lives in Maryland so I visit him every break that I get from school. I met him in the summer of 2009 at an under 18 club. We danced all night together and he asked for my number. We started texting and then talking on the phone for hours. I didn’t intend for anything to happen but it started getting intense. I would talk up to six hours a day and it came to a point where we exchanged the words “I love you.” (And I meant them when I said it to him.)

Let me just say my parents don’t support me with this. They have blocked him from my phone and everything. That made the situation ten times harder because when the people you care most about don’t care at all about what your passionate about, it’s hard.

I understand what could happen and all the outcomes that could come out of this situation. Of course we’ve had out some ups and downs but he stayed faithful to me for a whole year. Then he told me right before this summer when I was coming to see him that he liked this other girl and told me about everything that he did and felt. She gave him oral and that’s as bad as it got. I forgave him because I couldn’t help but love him. He promised me he wouldn’t ever do anything like that again.

We’ve been doing good until now. He is having some issues about me not being physically there. I understand that men react and get stimulated differently than females. I mean he’s 20 and hasn’t had sex in two years. He’s stayed pretty faithful. Well accept, he had intercourse with this new girl out of nowhere and he told me. I respect him for being a man and not lying to me and just straight up telling me. I know he cares about me and I know he loves me. He’s just going through a phase. I might be crazy for accepting it and probably forgiving him again in the future.

OH!! And here’s another thing. I’m changing my future so I can be with him. I’m lying to my mother, my step-dad and my dad about him. I’ve decided to move in with my dad in Maryland so I can be close to him and this is happening in seven months. I don’t know. Maybe he needed to get his sexual tension out? But seriously he couldn’t wait? Also I was coming to see him for Christmas in less than month.

That’s just my best trying to put it into long story short, and I guess my question is, should I forgive him? Or should I dump his ass? Or stay his friend? I mean he’s been faithful for two years and he tells me about everything he does so it’s not really cheating if he tells me. I understand his situation and why he is behaving the way he is. I’m just so scared he’s going to find someone else to replace me and fall in love with them. And when I finally move there, the space that I’ve left for him in my heart will be empty because he moved on.

I talked to his mom. (We’re close too, she’s our biggest fan.) And she says that she knew he was going to have to go through something like this, she just didn’t know when. She said that he never really got the attention from girls and because I can’t really give it to him physically he’s coping with it like that. But she swears up and down that she knows he loves me by the way he talks about me and that I have something special and that shes knows he loves me. She says it’s a phase and that she thinks he should go through the experience. I mean most guys pretty much screw a lot of girls in their prime years don’t they? It just sucks he’s doing it when we were “together.”

That brings me to another point. We don’t classify ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. We are just two people who fell in love who have been through hell to fight for what we have. But he knows we have boundaries and he crossed them.

I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Help Please!

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question.

We understand how strongly you feel for this guy. Love strikes when it pleases, and when it does it’s difficult to contain. However, we also feel strongly that you shouldn’t be lying to your parents. Yes, we realize they haven’t been that supportive, but from their point of view they probably feel you’re too young to be having this sort of relationship with a guy you barely know who lives hours away from you. But believe it or not, their feelings come from a good place. They want you to be happy. They’re not trying to stifle your passion, but more keep you from getting hurt. Which brings us to this guy.

We don’t necessarily think you’re being foolish for forgiving him, but just because he TELLS you he cheated doesn’t mean it’s okay. He did cheat, plain and simple. And if he’s had sex with two girls, it’s likely there’s more going on than you realize. Or if there’s not, it’s not from want of trying on his part. Sure guys might need to go through this phase, but that’s no excuse. If he wants to pursue other girls he shouldn’t be stringing you along and telling you how much he loves you. And honestly we think you’re making too many excuses for him. (And why are you talking to his mother about this? This seems a bit odd. She’s stringing you along too. She shouldn’t be making excuses for her son either. She seems a bit too involved with this don’t you think?)

Our strong recommendation is to stay where you are and not move. You can always continue to be friends with this guy and develop a deeper emotional connection with him over time. And if you still feel this way in a few years, then maybe that’s the time to explore this more. But based on his actions he certainly isn’t ready to commit to you now. We know you think it’s all going to change when you move there but from our experience we doubt it. Sure, maybe for a while things will be blissful, but if he’s really having such a hard time now, his “needs” will become an issue soon enough.

We believe that love should be explored, but we don’t think you should change your life to be with this guy. If he really wants to be with you at some point, let him be the one to take the initiative. Let him be the one to change his life. If he does this, you’ll certainly know he’s serious about you. If you go live with your father to be with this guy, you’ll never really know the depth of his feelings for you. Guys love convenience, and if you move, you’ll be making this very convenient for him. You need to make him work a little. Please wait on this for a while!

Last note: If he’s having sex with other girls, you need to be careful. There’s a lot of “stuff” floating around out there. Your safety is important. And honestly, his actions have given you no reason to trust him.

Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question in the comments section here. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

 

Readers,

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Should I start an affair?

Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me? 

Military long distance relationship

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

Will he ever leave his marriage for me? 

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

Dear Guys,

Please enlighten me!

I met a guy through work almost a year ago that I really like and would like to get to know better. We live in different states, and communicate via text, IM, and e-mails.

Typically I am the one who initiates the conversation (not always), but he ALWAYS responds no matter how random the message. Also, he sent me a pic when I requested one. Would a guy do that if he weren’t interested? Or is he just being nice, and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings??  I even told him once that I felt he was giving off mixed signals and it was okay if he wasn’t interested…I’m a big girl and can handle it, blah, blah, blah. Instead of confirming or denying interest, he asked what I meant and that he didn’t think he was doing that.

All of the guys I’ve asked so far have said the same thing…that no one is that nice. If he wasn’t interested there is no way he would keep responding, especially for this long.

My girlfriends all say very different things ranging from “he’s interested” to “he has a girlfried” to “you are reading more into it”, etc.

Guys, What do you think??  Is he interested, or am I reading more into the situation than there is because I want there to be more??

Is it possible that we are both too guarded and cautious and waiting for a more direct and honest approach before opening up to each other? If that’s the case should I write a letter and put it all out there, or is that too desperate? I am desperate for the truth, not for a boyfriend…(I get asked out all the time), but there is just something about this guy that has captured my attention.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,

AJ

Dear AJ,

Thanks for your question.

Typically if a guy doesn’t take the initiative to move a “relationship” forward we would say he’s probably not interested. However in your case, since it is a long distance situation, that maxim doesn’t apply.

How confident do you think this guy is? From our point of view it’s hard to say. Sure, he might be savvy via text and email but that doesn’t mean he feels comfortable closing the deal. And when you factor in your work connection, he may be at a loss on the best way to proceed.

When a guy asks a woman to marry him he’s usually pretty certain that she’ll say yes. A non sequitur? Not really. Because some guys want this same level of certainty even before they ask a girl out on a date. (Think high school) Maybe their ego can’t handle rejection? Either way, this particular type of guy needs some help. Your guy may fall into this group.

We agree with your guy friends. We don’t think he’d be wasting his time for this long unless he was interested in you in some way. But if that’s true we can also see why you’re confused. You’re probably wondering, ‘What is taking him so long? Why is he not asking me out? What’s his deal?’ And that’s why we understand where your girlfriends are coming from too. He’s a bit of a mystery.

So here’s what we think. This guy needs you to be the one to take the risk. Of course, really, what is the risk? Rejection? Embarrassment? Those are only risks for a person who lacks inner strength. Sure it’s never fun to be rejected, but what’s the worst that can happen here? Not much really. You feel crappy for a bit and then you move on. But at least you’ll get the information you’re seeking.

However, we don’t think you should write him a “tell all” letter. Just let him know you’re interested in more than a text/IM relationship. You could drop hints, but why be ambiguous? Tell him directly that you find him intriguing and let him know you’d be open if he wanted to arrange a visit, etc.

But DON’T do the asking yourself. He’s got to take some initiative. You’re basically doing 90% of the work here anyway. If he can’t do the last 10% then he’s not who you think he is.

Good luck. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here as well. And please also keep us posted. You’ve piqued our curiosity. We want to know how this turns out.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal button.)

 

 

Military Gal in a Long Distance Relationship: Is it time to move on?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more? 

Why did we really break up?

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Does this older guy like me?

Is this an online romance or an online booty call? 

Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me? 

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend (27) and I (25) have been together for about a year and a half with about a two years long distance where we see each other about every six months. We’re both in the military and stationed apart now. Before he left he asked me to marry him and I told him yes of course. I was happy and he seemed happy. But the more I talked about the upcoming wedding the more I could see that he was not so happy anymore even though he said over and over he meant it. So I stopped talking about it.

A little over a year later we brought up marriage again and agreed that we both wanted to get married and have been thinking about it. Also it’s certain we will not be stationed together without being married at this point which means we’d have to wait until the end of my enlistment in 2014 to be together. But we decided to plan to get married 6 months later on our leave. It was very exciting. He said I could plan everything since he didn’t really care too much.(About the plans)

Our leave came and for the first three days he ignored me. Nothing more than kisses and maybe holding hands. Which is odd since we hadn’t seen each other in 6 months. He took off his ring when we went to his hometown saying he just hadn’t pulled it out after security. Eventually I knew this was not true. So I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he wasn’t ready to get married and that we wanted two different things. He was scared about messing it up and messing up our future children or having them too soon. I told him that we could wait a couple years to have kids if he wanted. (Yes I want them but I want to have them together.) So we decided to see if it was just anxiety or if he really couldn’t go through with it since the wedding was scheduled to happen in a few days.

A couple days passed and I brought the subject up again. This caused him to get angry saying we already discussed the subject. I was confused and hurt. I told him this. We went through this cycle for a little over a week. In the end I gave him four days to think over everything and get back to me with a definite answer.

By the third day I was thinking it was all okay. I was thinking if we don’t get married right now we can always get married later. Before this day came I noticed messages from a girl like ‘i miss your touch’ and started to ask about her first indirectly then directly. And on this day I was sitting next to him and I saw him message her ‘mm i love your kisses.’ I first asked him if he loved me and he said yes of course. Then I asked if he still wanted to marry me and he said yes. He said “That’s why I asked you, but I’m just not ready.” So then I asked about his message. This made him defensive and he tried to break up then. After a few minutes he changed his mind and promised to get me a new ring and that he wouldn’t talk to her anymore.

Prior to my departing back to my station we decided to think about the whole marriage thing and in December we would come together on the subject and decide to maybe set a date in the future and tell our families. (This time we were just going to elope). All good.

A couple weeks after I got back I found out I was pregnant. I was excited and he was scared. (Which is normal I guess.) But he started coming around and we could talk about the baby together and the future. At my appointment just shy of ten weeks I found out I had lost the baby. Since then I’ve been in a very depressive state and we have been arguing a lot now.

Now it’s been about two weeks since we lost hope for our baby and he says we need a break…then that we are breaking up…then that it’s not breaking up but a break. After 2.5 hours of talking and crying he agreed to give us a chance to fix things since it wasn’t fair and he didn’t really want to break up. He just was tired of the arguing and making me cry.

At this point, I don’t know what to do. I didn’t think we were so close to the breaking point. I can see how though. We’ve been lashing out at each other and I know we’re both hurting. I think our biggest problem is communication. We’re fighting because we can’t find out how to communicate how we feel to each other. He’s not very open with his feelings and usually I am not either but I’ve been very open with him because I love him and don’t want to lose him. He says he loves me very much and has never loved anyone like he loves me and wants us to work.

Really I don’t know how to move on or how to help him. I wish I did.

Gloria

Dear Gloria,

Thanks for writing to us.

First of all we want to say how sorry we are for your loss. Losing a baby during pregnancy is a traumatic event for a woman and a couple to go through. And it’s especially difficult if the relationship itself is a bit uncertain or strained.

And overall, that’s how we feel about this. You keep imploring him to make decisions that he’s not ready to make. Or maybe he is ready to make some decisions but he’s so worried about your reaction, that he’s not willing to tell you what’s really on his mind. You need to pull back and start letting him make some of his own decisions. You need to listen to what he truly wants, because in the end, you want him to be honest. Because if he’s 100% on board with this relationship things will be great. If he’s not 100% on board, eventually you’ll grow resentful and at some point the whole relationship will unravel.

The best way you can help him Gloria—and help yourself—is allowing him the freedom to make his own choices. Which means if he doesn’t want to get married you need to honor that. We’re not saying he doesn’t, but you’re not getting honest answers from him because he is under emotional duress—you’re crying and he doesn’t want to hurt you. And it’s possible he’s just not ready to even think about marriage right now, but he might be open to it some time down the road. The two of you are relatively young still and it sometimes takes guys a little longer to understand what they truly want.

We understand how difficult it is to be separated from the person you love. And we can see how much you want to be with this man. Being in a long distance relationship is trying and can cause even the most confident person to feel insecure, especially if their partner is not that communicative. But as difficult as it may be, you can’t let those feeling of insecurity invade your relationship. We get the sense that this marriage—in addition to finally being stationed together—is a way for you to be sure about the relationship. It’s a way for you to guarantee you’ll be together. We get this. We really do. It’s totally normal to feel this way. But even if you do get married there are no guarantees it will last, especially he feels forced into it.

We think you need to sit with this a bit and think about what you really want. Is it this guy? And is it this guy even if he’s uncertain about getting married? Or is it marriage in general? Or is it having security? Be honest with yourself and really give it some thought.

And at the same time you need to give your guy some space to think about what he really wants. He needs to be able to make that decision while he’s apart from you. There’s no way he can make an honest decision if he’s with you and you’re upset. It’s obvious he cares for you a lot. But this doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to get married to you.

So when is your next visit?

We think you both need some space to think about all of this. And then come together in a few months or so and really have an honest talk with one another. It may turn out that this is all a timing issue and that down the road the two of you will be together. But you’re not going to find out anything if you don’t give him some space and time to do some soul searching and see what he really wants. And you’ll be happier either way, even if it’s more difficult now.

Please feel free to ask us a follow up question now, or in the future as this progresses. And/or leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And keep us posted please. We’re pulling for you no matter how this turns out.

Take care,

THE GUYS

 

 

Long Distance: I hardly know him, but I’m willing to give it a go

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

________________________

Hi Guys,

About five months ago I met a guy and we ended our night together. It was supposed to be a one night stand because we live in different countries and he was in my town only for one night. But before he left he asked for my e-mail.

We started writing e-mails which got longer every time. For example he sent me a letter one week; I replied to him the next week and he replied the week after and so on.

I tried to keep my feet on the ground and stay realistic because I thought we wouldn’t see each other, but then he said he would love to meet me again.

Finally, two months later he said that he might come to my town for a day or two. At the same time I kind of won a free ticket to his town. So I went there instead.

While I was there, he was so caring and sweet with me. When we were walking around in the city, he held my hand, hugged me in the metro, kissed while we were waiting for the traffic lights to turn green etc. Of course we had sex, too. All this time I felt how much he cared about me.

I stayed there for three days. Some hours before my departure I started to cry several times. I know, so silly of me, but I couldn’t do anything about it. He understood why I was crying and handled the situation well. I said “I’m sorry” and he said there’s no need for me to apologize for that.

When I was back in my town, I sent him an e-mail and said that I enjoyed the weekend a lot and he said he enjoyed it a lot too. After that I didn’t hear from him for a week. Meanwhile I moved to another country because of foreign studies.

I was so surprised that he didn’t wish me a nice trip or even ask how I was doing. And I wrote him an e-mail and said that everything was so nice while I was in his town and I asked him why he hardly contacts me. I wondered out loud if I got the wrong impression from him. He replied immediately and said that I didn’t get the wrong impression and that he likes me a lot, but he’s been very busy at school.

We still send e-mails to each other but he doesn’t say sweet things to me anymore. He’s just friendly and nice, but that’s all.

I don’t want to ask him what he thinks about me and the situation because right now there’s not much potential for a relationship. First off, it would definitely be a long-distance relationship. Second of all, we have only seen each other twice. (The first evening and then our weekend). And third, at the moment we haven’t seen each other for two months and won’t be able to meet again before three months. And I don’t know if he still wants to meet me then.

I know that you know only my version of this story—I tried to put in as little emotions as possible in order to give a good overview of the situation–but I want to meet him again. I would expect him to come to visit me this time, but if he asked me to go and visit him, I would also go.

But I can’t invite myself to his place. Besides I think that if a man really likes a woman, then he should do everything possible to see her. What should I do? Wait for him to visit me or ask me to visit him? Or bring up the subject myself?

I understand perfectly that it wouldn’t be normal to have a relationship, especially a long-distance relationship when we hardly know each other. But I would be ready to give it a try.

I also know that you can’t answer this question, but what do you think, does he want to be just friends with me or something more?

Thanks!

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Thanks for your question.

We understand what you’re asking, but it’s hard to know exactly what this guy is thinking. But we can talk about your situation in the context of long distance relationships in general.

A long distance relationship requires even more effort and more communication than a typical relationship where two people live in the same town or city. Both people need to be 100% on board or they just don’t work.

Your guy seems genuine enough. From what you describe he’s been pretty sweet to you overall. But it also sounds like he’s busy, and either can’t think about much else besides school, or doesn’t want to get involved in a relationship that he doesn’t see as having a future. A long distance relationship is supposed to be a atemporary arrangement as the two people work toward being together in the same location at some point down the road—sooner rather than later. If both parties don’t have that goal in mind then eventually the relationship will fizzle out.

For some guys, a long distance relationship is the perfect situation, especially if they can work it so they don’t have to communicate that often. For these guys a long distance relationship means getting to do what they want most of the time, and then having a woman visit for a “booty call.”

You say you don’t want to say anything to this guy, but you’re probably going to have to at some point if you want answers. We agree that if you tell him how you feel it could end the relationship. But by the same token, is that worse or better than being in the situation you’re in right now? Your gut is telling you something has changed. You’re worried that he really only sees you as a friend now. So instead of fretting about this, and living in a cloud of uncertainty, why don’t you just talk to him?

We agree that he should be the one taking the initiative. He should be the one suggesting visits and coming to see you. Sure, he might be open to having you come to see him, but that doesn’t mean he wants to be in a serious relationship with you. You need to find out from him what he wants. You need to hear him say whether or not he wants to give this a go.

We feel the same way you do about relationships. It’s hard to find someone special. And since you feel like you have, we understand why you want to explore it further. We wish you the best of luck. Please keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. 

 

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

 

 

 

 

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

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He won’t bring me out with his friends

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Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

I suggested Friends with Benefits; Did I just dig myself into a hole?

Hey Guys,

So there’s this guy that I’ve known since 3rd grade and we’ve always been really close. He wanted to date me our freshman year in high school but got too scared that it would ruin our friendship and never asked me out. (He still doesn’t know to this day that I know about this.)

I left after sophomore year  when we were 16/17 to move to Boston to become a dancer and now I live in NYC. This past summer I came home. It was three years since I last saw him. (We’re now both 20.) When I saw him this summer we caught  up hung out a couple times and we ended up sleeping together. I left to come back to NYC in september and we’ve been texting ever since.

Now he’s coming to visit. I’m really nervous and I’m wondering if he’s just coming to the city to see the sites and get laid. Or is he actually coming also to see me? I’m from AZ and he still lives there now so it cost a lot for him to buy a plane ticket to come up here. (He even had to borrow money from his dad.)

Does he actually like me and want to see me or is he just excited to come to the city and possibly getting laid is the icing on the cake? To me, spending all that money and getting off work and stuff says something. But maybe I’m just being a hopeful girl. Also could it turn into something more? I know long distance relationships are hard, but would a guy really be willing to do that? I’m so nervous and confused right now. Please help!

Brittany

Dear Brittany,

Thanks for your question. We can see that you’re nervous. That’s pretty normal. You like this guy and would like to see if things can progress beyond a physical relationship. And of course you hope he feels the same way.

It’s hard to say exactly what his motivation for visiting you is. Sex will absolutely be part of his expectation for the trip. His drive to have sex is so intertwined with his excitement to come see you that he’s probably having difficulty separating the two himself. In fact it’s likely he doesn’t even know exactly what’s driving him, and he won’t know until after the two of you have been intimate. (If that’s what you decide to do, which is up to you of course.)

Assuming you decide to sleep with him, pay careful attention to how he acts right AFTER you have sex—especially the first time. And by “right after” we mean, RIGHT AFTER and for the next 8 hrs. (Meaning, until his libido kicks back in. It’s different for every guy.) If he’s distant, or acts differently, you’ll know he’s probably driven mainly by his interest in sex. If he still is happy to be with you, and wants to go out on the town with you, hold your hand, and spend time with you beyond the confines of your bedroom then you’ll know he’s got more on his mind than getting in your pants.

These next four paragraphs are just general information about guys Brittany. They are for your information and for all of the other women who might be reading this. 

Some women believe that making a guy wait for sex is the way you get them to commit. And this may be true for the short term. If a guy wants to have sex with a woman he will do whatever it takes to make it happen, which means acting sweet, giving her presents, and doing all the things that his woman might like him to do. But a guy is still waiting to make his final evaluation until after he has sex with a woman. Meaning, the way he acts BEFORE sex does not determine how he’ll be AFTER sex. For a guy, sex is often needed for him to make a conscious decision about moving forward or not.

But this is tricky. You also can’t secure a guy’s love through sex. So sleeping with a guy to get him to love you or commit to you, will also not work. And in many cases it will push him away. It’s a fine and mysterious balance. We don’t have all the answers.

Finally, wanting sex all the time is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, having a healthy sex life with your partner is a very important piece of an overall healthy relationship. But both parties need to be giving in the bedroom as well. If your guy is not giving in the bedroom this will be a strong indicator of how he is in everyday life.

Bottom line: You have to do what’s comfortable for you. Every relationship is different. But you should never be pressured into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Go with your gut.

Enough on that topic. Moving on.

Yes, guys are willing to try a long distance relationship Brittany. You’ve probably heard that guys are incapable of being faithful in this type of relationship but that’s a crock of crap. It’s just an excuse for guys to be selfish and do whatever they please. Many guys are loyal and faithful. So don’t let that stop you if you believe you and this guy have a chance for something more.

Our advice: Take it slow. Keep your eyes open. Trust your gut. Introduce him to your friends. Listen to your friends’ opinions. And talk to him. Sure we know most people don’t want to show their hand, but in order for a long distance relationship to have any chance at all, it requires a ton of communication from both parties. And when you’re apart, texting is okay, but phone conversations or Skype are best.

Feel free to give us an update and ask us a follow up question. Leave your question in the comments section of this post.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow Up question)

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

The Duality of Men

How to ask about sex? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

This girl is driving me mad

Hi Guys,

It’s Sadie again and I have another(!!) question for you to please ponder. It’s a follow–up to the question I sent you about a month or so ago (“Long Distance: Should I Pursue?”). As it turns out, even though my internships went well in England I decided to come back to Canada for at least another 5 or 6 months. I’m back to seeing my friend who I went to Rome with. My question boils down to the fact that I’m not sure how he genuinely feels about me. I know you’re not mind readers.

So, let me fill you in about what’s been going on with us since I last wrote you. Since then we’ve been pretty much in constant contact—usually Facebook messages a few times a week and the occasional Skype chat. He became better about instigating contact with me, especially if a few days would go by if he hadn’t heard from me. I don’t feel anymore as though I am the one putting in the bulk of the effort to stay in touch. When I got back to Canada a couple weeks ago he didn’t “play it cool” (as I put it last time) by biding his time before calling me; he messaged me on Facebook a few times and as soon as I sent him my new number he texted me then called me the same day; he wasted no time! So we met up last week and had a really fun time; it was pretty much just like before I left. I haven’t seen him since then because we’re both pretty busy right now so I don’t know yet how the dynamic between us will progress now that I’m back for longer than a couple of months.

Fortunately, I followed your advice you gave me before. (Read her first post readers) But now I realize that the position I have put myself in is that of a FWB (Friends with Benefits).

At any rate, before I came back to Canada I told myself I wouldn’t let myself be a friend-with-benefits but evidently I didn’t do a very good job of making that clear! I kept changing my mind as to whether or not I’d be able to be in a FWB relationship with him. On the one hand, I am happy enough to keep it like this because we do get along really well and I really like spending time with him. I really do value his friendship and I don’t want to risk losing the closeness I have with him if I cut out the intimacy factor. I’m not sure if he would still put in the consistent effort that he does to spend time with me if we kept our friendship platonic. If he were to tell me that he wanted to actually commit to me I’d have no hesitation for that. I know that’s what I want from him but I’m almost thinking if that’s what I want at the end of the day then maybe I should keep it status quo and see if anything progresses?

But that this leads me to total confusion. How does he actually feel about me? Whenever I talk about how he is with me people always think it sounds really positive with potential. But when I did address “us” with him his response boiled down to that he’s not sure if he can be committed in a relationship at this time. Fair enough – but maybe he’s letting me down nicely. He told me he cares about me and he’s sweet with me; and he makes a better effort to see me etc etc On the surface it does kind of seem as though he wants to date me. My take on FWB relationships is that, in general, the friends don’t necessarily feel a super strong enough connection to want anything much more than what they’re already getting out of the relationship. Stemming from that perspective, I’m not really sure about how much they genuinely care about each other. I see those relationships as the kind to most likely just fizzle out because I think that there should be more of a build up or gradual progression in a serious relationship. I know that if he were to tell me tomorrow that he has met someone and wants to start dating her I’d be very upset but I’m not sure how upset he’d be if I told him tomorrow that I met someone and was going to pursue a committed relationship with a new guy. And even though I know I should ask I really don’t want to bring this up because I’ve already had this sort of talk with him before. Should I just maintain this friend-with-benefits relationship and just hope it doesn’t totally fizzle??

Sorry this was so long winded, but in a nutshell I am really hoping you can give me your perspective about how you think he feels about me. Should I just keep it as a FWB situation with him in hopes it might progress into something down the road? I should mention that I’m really good at keeping myself busy and I’m still keeping my eyes open for something more substantial, but on that front I won’t let anything go too fast. ( Lol!) I don’t think I’ll let myself miss opportunities for this one guy I’m fixated on right now even if it stays status quo.

Thanks!!!

Sadie

Dear Sadie, 

Nice to hear from you again. Thanks for your question.

Here’s a progression for you to ponder:

Phase 1: Friendship
Phase 2: Friends with Benefits
Phase 3: One person—often the woman—starts to develop strong feelings beyond physical intimacy. (Emotional connection)
Phase 4: Frustration and confusion ensue
Phase 5: Heartache

We don’t see a happy ending to this situation Sadie. Sure he likes you, and might treat you well when he sees you, but we don’t see this developing beyond exactly what it is: a fun booty call for him.

If you’re staying in this relationship hoping it’s going to progress into something more serious we think you should move on. If you really think you can handle being in this situation and have fun with it, then continue the status quo. On the one hand you say you’re happy enough to have some sort of relationship with him, but then in the same breath you say you’d totally jump at being in a relationship with him if he asked you. This disparity troubles us. It seems clear to us that you want something more from this guy. (And we think it’s pretty clear to you as well.) And honestly if he’s just sweet and friendly with you because he’s getting “benefits” we just can’t see what you’re really getting from this. If this was just about sex, we imagine you could find many a willing partner for that .

We understand that you care for this guy and really want this to turn into a committed relationship, but from what we can tell, all the signs point to this remaining exactly as it is. And ultimately we see you being dissatisfied with this arrangement, and maybe even hurt by it.

Keep us posted. And good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

Listen to our relationship advice blitz!

Dear Readers,

Follow us on Twitter and join the conversation. @TGPBuzz

We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

Listen to our podcast, Episode #47 to hear our first ever “Ask the Guys Blitz!” We challenged ourselves to answer ten of your questions in twenty minutes. Listen to see if we met our goal.

Here are the questions we answered:

From Sarah: My younger man turned ugly

From Just so Confused: I need constant communication and he doesn’t

From Emilie: Will he come back?

From Laulena: Will we ever be more than friends?

From Paula: Will his career always be more important than me?

From John: My girlfriend said she needs space before getting back together

From Ruka: Does my older guy just want sex?

From Liz: He doesn’t want a long distance relationship; What now?

From Shamika: Lending my boyfriend money

From Sam: Should I move to be with him?

If you have a question of your own leave us a note. Or give us a call at: 347-855-GUYS. (4897)

 

TGP Podcast Ep47: Corn Pwned, Pumpkin Party Problem & Ask the Guys BLITZ!


TGP Ep.47  Corn Pwned, Pumpkin Party Problem & Ask the Guys BLITZ!

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In the News:
Is this just another skirmish in the great “Asking for Directions” battle?  What do you think about the Massachusetts couple that dialed 911 after being lost in a corn maze?  We certainly have our opinions.


Father Stories:
Our family traditions are what bind us together, so it’s hard when we see our kids growing up and out of those things.  Sai shares a Halloween story that finds his son pulled in two directions.  You can read Sai’s full article about this in the MetroWest Daily.
What are your great childhood Halloween memories?

Ask the Guy’s BLITZ!
This week we attempt to answer 10 great listener questions in 20 minutes all while giving them the weight they deserve.  Do we make it?  Listen and find out!

And…
As always if you have any comments, kudos or criticisms let us know.  You can also share your stories in any of our segments including:
Pet Peeves
Father Stories
Are We the Only Ones
Youth is Wasted on the Young
The Truth
Stream of Consciousness
Ask the Guys
Call our voicemail line any time 24/7 at 347-855-GUYS (4897) or click the Contact Us
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Will he come back?

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Dear Readers, 

We’re doing our best to answer questions as quickly as possible. The best way to get your question answered quickly is to leave it as a comment on this post, or another relevant post, or donate to THE GUYS using our PayPal button on the right side of this page or any page on our site. Thanks to those of you who have donated. We do appreciate it.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Dear Guys,

I met a guy on New Year’s and we went out at the end of January. I was very hesitant to begin a relationship or even date since I knew there was a possibility that I would be moving at the end of summer (about 8 hrs away). I also had other personal issues that I was dealing with.

This guy was so amazing that I started dating him anyway, and within a matter of a few months I fell for him. This is the best guy I have ever met and the best relationship I have ever had. I am 28 and he is 30. He pursued me and was also the one to ask for the commitment. This was after we found out that I would be moving in June. We always said that long distance was manageable and that we don’t date just to date. This was something serious.

Well around the end of May—about a month before the big move—I became very emotional. I was sad to be leaving my friends and this amazing guy that I felt that I was in love with. I was leaving to further my career in residency (a two year commitment) and I even considered not going. However I felt that I had to leave to increase my job satisfaction which was at the time very low. But we said distance wouldn’t matter, as long as it was right. However I feel that my intense emotions of wanting out relationship to progress and survive the distance and my sadness in leaving may have begun to push him away.

Things were harder before the move and they continue to be now. I don’t know anyone in my new city and have relied on him for happiness. I haven’t been very happy but I’m slowly adjusting, which I think is normal after a big life change/move. I feel like my emotional stress caused further strain on our relationship. He knows full well I am ready to meet “the one” and so is he. Well this week he broke up with me. He says that he doesnt feel 100% committed to the relationship and that his emotions have hit a wall. However he says that there may be hope for the future after we have some time apart. And he says he is not saying that to “sugar coat” the break up and I believe that. There is seriously NOTHING wrong with our relationship. Only that he hasn’t fallen in love with me the way I have with him. The issue is that I still think it’s early (despite the way I’m feeling) and that love could still come in time. It’s only been 7 months. And he says he cares about me so much and wanted so badly for it to work. He says this arrest of his emotions has been growing over the last month. I have been away for two. I just think that he may feel this way because I have been so emotional. I feel that if I had played it cool, he wouldn’t feel this way. I have regrets.

So my question is, what is your take on this situation? Do you really think there is a chance for us? A chance for him to miss me during this non-communicative period of time? Should he know? Or are these the normal emotions that one goes through during this 6-7 month period that has been exacerbated through distance? I so hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder. We are each other’s best friend and I just really feel that love could grow. But then again, maybe I’m being a silly girl and need to accept that fact that if he was going to love me ever, he would not feel this emotional block now, regardless of the circumstances.

Bridget

Dear Bridget,

Thanks for your question.

First of all you should have no regrets. For what? For being honest with yourself and him? Why wouldn’t you feel sad for leaving? Sure, you might be embarking on a new and exciting chapter in your life, but that doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel mixed emotions about leaving behind some people whom you love. And if this is what drove him away from you, then the relationship didn’t have as much going for it as you perceived.

Having said that, we still think it’s possible for the two of you to reunite, but you shouldn’t ignore the fact that he doesn’t feel about you, the same way you feel about him. And for guys, probably more so than for women, this doesn’t typically change. We tend to “know” right away if the potential is there for a serious relationship. So if he was already feeling a bit unsure, your emotional outpourings just gave him an opening to end things. (But they didn’t CAUSE his change of heart regardless of what he might say.)

Sure, distance can make the heart grow fonder. We’re sure your guy is missing you. But keep in mind that distance also makes people forget. It’s likely your guy will start to remember all the qualities he loved about you and block out why he wasn’t sure in the first place. But that doesn’t mean he’s truly changed his mind about how he feels. The only way you’ll really know how he feels will be if the two of you live in the same city and really give it a go. (But didn’t you do that already?)

Our suggestion is for you to try to be open to new possibilities in your new city. Try to focus as much as possible on your career and all the new people you are meeting. (We know this will be difficult) Because all you can really do now is wait and see what happens. We wish you the best.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. 

 

 

 

This guy’s actions are confusing

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

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Long distance relationship: Follow up question

Hi Guys,

I am a bit confused. I met this guy in October on a trip. He was part of a group I belong to that organizes different cultural events. We live in different cities so I used to see him once a month or 2 months depending on when I used to go to the city where he lives. But then I started seeing him almost every 2 weeks because I became more involved with the association and when I was there he would always try to converse with me and he would stare at me.

So anyway I was in a relationship at the time so I wouldn’t give him any attention. I avoided him until I was single. One day I decided to send him a message on Facebook. (We’re friends on FB.) He said that he was happy to hear from and he asked me to see him the next time I was there but before the meeting. So I said yes. And that was the first time we saw each other outside the association. We just walked around for an hour and conversed and then went to the meeting. I had asked him the next day to go to a park and get some fresh air and he said that he liked the idea. So we went for a walk for awhile and then we went about two weeks without hearing from each other. I didn’t write to him. I wanted him to write to me. I had to participate in another event so I saw him in about two weeks; and when he saw me at the association he was strange. He seemed surprised or shocked. I didn’t really understand his body language but he spoke to me like nothing had happened. He acted pretty normal. Since I stayed there for the weekend I asked him if he was free because I wanted to go somewhere for a drink or anything. And he said that I had done well by asking him but he was already busy and if I would have written to him earlier he might have gone. He asked me to see him the next day in the morning since I was leaving in the afternoon. So I texted him in the morning and he called me about a half hour later and told me that he doesn’t have his car to pick me up because he had stayed at his sister’s last night.

SO anyway we managed to meet about an hour later because he got a ride and we do what we usually do: Walk around and converse. He always pays for everything when we get something to eat. He’s a gentleman. So when I have to catch the train to get home we don’t kiss or anything, we just kinda hug and say a few things and that’s about it. He told me that we would hear each other out on FB even though he has my number. I don’t get it. And that’s the second time he said it. The first time was after our walk at the park, but he never wrote to me and I didn’t bother either.

So after this date (let’s call it a date.. I don’t really know what it was) when I got to my town I sent him a message the next day on FB saying something on a book we were discussing, and I also said something like he seemed a bit strange when I left, because he really was. His body language is confusing. And he doesn’t answer me on FB. And then I wrote him another message asking him if he was upset about what I had said. He answered me only about a week later saying that he was sorry but he had been very busy with work and he wasn’t upset. He said that he doesn’t remember being strange or worried like I had assumed. But he said that maybe I saw something he wasn’t aware of. Anyway he finished his message by asking me to write to him if I have any news.

I wrote to him another message..maybe I was pushy again because in the end I like the guy, but he didn’t answer me for about 3 to 4 days so I decided to cancel my account on Facebook and I have not heard from him since then. Not even a message or call. It’s been about three weeks now. I don’t get it. I mean he asks me to go out. There is a lot of attraction. It seemed like he was interested but now not even a message. Help! I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should text the guy. Also because I won’t see him for a long time now. I’m busy with work and maybe I will only see him next month. Maybe..

What should i do?

Jane

Dear Jane,

Thanks for writing to us. We’ll try and sort through all of your question/s. We’re going to give you some tough love, only because we think you’re missing a few important insights here. It all comes from a good place.

On the surface it might seem like this guy is giving you mixed signals. But once you delve down a bit we think you’ll see that his behavior has been reasonably consistent. A lot of how you’re feeling is stemming from some of your assumptions.

We think you’re reading too much into some of this guy’s behavior. You say he stared at you and was attracted to you, but how do you really know why he was staring? His subsequent actions undermine your theory of attraction. You also assumed he was cold to you by his reply via text. But how can you assign feelings to words on a screen? Yes, a lot of people do that, and that’s why conducting relationships via email, text, or Facebook can be very dangerous. Making assumptions about what’s going on in someone’s head when they just write something like “OK” is not a good idea. (That’s just an example) You also assume because he pays for you that you’re on a date. He may very well be a gentlemen, but that doesn’t mean he wants anything more than a friendship with you.

Let’s take a step back here. Your relationship with this guy started out as friends because you belong to the same association. He never actually made his intentions known to you. It was you that broke the ice on Facebook once your were single again. And so this makes us wonder if he was really interested. Yes, once you inquired he agreed to get together. And maybe he wasn’t sure how he felt and wanted to go out with you and see. But it seems pretty clear that he didn’t want to pursue a relationship, otherwise he would have. (You’ve made it clear you’re open to it.) In fact it seems you took the initiative pretty much every time you two interacted. Typically guys will pursue if they’re interested. So in the future, even if you’re very excited about a guy, you have to let him be the one to initiate.

The other thing we’ll suggest is: Try not to read into everything so much. Clearly you’re an intuitive person, who’s very in touch with her feelings and emotions. Not everyone will be as intuitive as you, and subsequently won’t think or behave the way you do. People are built differently, and this is not just a guy and girl thing. It’s a personality thing. (See Myers Briggs) Try and take a step back and not react so much. For example: Since he didn’t respond to you, you deleted your Facebook account. Some people are very inconsistent at communicating. This is more a a reflection of their own deficiencies.

We hope you’re still able to go to your association meetings even though things might be a little awkward with this guy. If you do, and you see him, just smile and be nice. No need to rehash anything or try and get some more info out of him. We don’t think he’s going to offer you anything more. Just be friendly and move on, and start thinking about getting yourself back out in the dating world.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

 

 

Long distance relationship: Follow up question

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

What’s the deal with this guy?

Long distance: Should I pursue?

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Why is he being secretive?

Different cultures: More than friends, less than lovers

Booty call or long haul?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Dating an older guy: What are we?

Hi Guys!

A few months ago I asked for advice on the following question: Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship

The advice you gave me helped me so much, and I am now a frequent visitor to your site! I have noticed that there are many questions on long-distance relationships like my original question. Since I asked my question, I have a follow up question to ask, and I really hope you will answer it, not only for me, but for so many other that are struggling with the same type of situation.

Since my last question, I have moved to my new city, started grad school, and even though I struggled tremendously for a couple months, I was starting to accept the fact that the relationship was done and he was no longer going to talk to me, or give me the apology I so desperately wanted.  I “de-friended” him on Facebook only because his wall was plastered with pictures and posts of his new relationship, and this really really hurt me.

Fast-forward to 3 months after the break-up. After absolutely no contact for 3 months, and the de-friending, my ex texts me trying to have a casual conversation with me about my life now and what I’ve been up to. I know, I should not have responded, but I did. I answered his questions, and he told me that he was going to be moving to my city for a permanent job.  He went on to say that he is so sorry for what he did, and how things ended with us.  He said that he didn’t mean to find another girl, but it just happened. He then said, “to be honest, I don’t know how long the relationship is going to last once I move, because I’m not about to do the long distance thing.”

I responded by telling him how hurt I was, and that I felt very disrespected after the way things were handled during the break-up. I also told him that my feelings for him were always real, and that I truly cared for him, but in the end I felt like he didn’t feel the same way.

He responded with, “You have every right to be angry and upset with me, and I can understand if you hate me. I was too much of a coward to be a man and tell you that I didn’t want to do long distance because it’s so hard. I did care for you, and still do, and I really like you still.

I ended the conversation after this, and he said that he’s sorry again, and so happy that I don’t hate him and that he wants me to know that he still likes me. This was the last time we had contact. A month later I saw him at an event with his girlfriend, and he completely ignored me. A month after this, I saw him at a bar with his girlfriend, and he again, ignored me.

I’m really struggling here, and am starting to fall back into the hole I was finally moving on from. I’m so confused by this.  I understand that he will be moving to my city soon, and I need advice as to what our conversation meant and why he ignored me, as well as advice on how I should handle this situation if future contact occurs when we are in the same city.

Thank you so much!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your great note and question.

This guy is keeping his options open. Now that he knows he’s moving to the same city as you, he’s hoping you might still be open to him again. And it seems you still are. Be careful. This doesn’t mean he’s all of a sudden getting serious about you, it just means he wants to know he’ll have someone to get together with when he moves.

Please think long and hard about this situation and this guy. Think about: How were you feeling after you broke up and moved on? (It sounds like better and better each day.) And how are you feeling now that you believe you might reconnect with this guy? (More confused and upset.) Sure, love and relationships are often trying emotionally, but they shouldn’t cause mostly grief without providing a lot of happiness too. In your case it’s just heartache and confusion when you deal with this guy.

We know it’s difficult to let go but we don’t think he’s any different now than he was when the two of you were dating. Sure it’s possible, but more likely, based on his actions, he hasn’t changed much. He sounds like a player to us.

Our advice: Focus on school, friends, and saying yes to social opportunities. Be open to new people—not just guys. Make new friends, and don’t have contact with this guy. You’re only going to prolong the hurt. It’s time to lean on your friends and family for support. Or talk to someone—possibly a professional— who can help you sort out what you’re feeling. Be strong and hang in there.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. Thanks!

 

 

Long distance: Should I pursue?

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

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I’d like to understand what happened?

Dear Guys,

About three months ago I started seeing a guy even though we both knew I was moving to England for work at some point. (It wasn’t clear when I’d be leaving. We’re from Canada) I was okay with just a fling because I told myself I would not get attached. He always instigated texting and calling me the entire time. Sometimes it would take him a couple of days to contact me but I would then take the same amount of time to return his text or call, so I know we were both playing it cool, even though we’d still always get together. He would also often invite me out to hang with his friends.

Before I left for England (2 months into our “relationship” – I don’t know what to call it) he would send me funny Youtube links about not going to London, with a little ‘lol’ next to the link. And when I was at the airport ready to go he texted me to say he’d miss spending time with me.

Once I was in England he decided to go to Rome for a vacation by himself. (He arranged this long before we started seeing each other.) He offered to buy me a ticket to visit him for a few days while he was there. Obviously I agreed but because the ticket was more than what we expected I split the cost with him, which was totally fine by me. We had a great time; he always made an effort to hold my hand while we were walking, reach out for my hand at dinner. He was always sweet and respectful. On our last night he really opened up to me about a lot of painful events that happened when he was growing up, much of which I think very few of his friends are aware of and I’m not sure if now he feels he needs to put his defenses up all over again. We both left Rome just over a week ago and since then he hasn’t been initiating contact with me as much as he used to, such as email or instant messaging. He always responds to me if I message him and he’s happy to hear from me, but it bothers me that I’m the one who seems to be doing most of the instigating now. I can’t tell if I should continue to be interested in him. My move isn’t supposed to be permanent though I don’t know how long it will be for, so I don’t want to let go of the relationship potential. But I’m also wondering if he is just not interested anymore…

Thanks!

Sadie

Dear Sadie,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’d be very surprised if he was no longer interested in you. In fact, to us it sounds quite the contrary. Since he opened up to you during your time in Rome together, he may be feeling vulnerable. He probably feels like he’s revealed his true feelings, but he’s not sure where you stand with the relationship. If he’s feeling insecure, this could be the reason he’s pulled away.

We realize your situation is complicated. Adding a long distance component to any relationship only further complicates matters. But both of you have made things even more confusing and complicated by continuing to “play it cool.” Of course we understand why you began the relationship that way. However, the time for playing it cool has long been over. We wish you had discussed your relationship before you left for England, but it’s not too late to begin this discussion now.

So our answer is: Yes, you should pursue the relationship, but only if you really care for this guy. We can’t guarantee that he’ll reciprocate, but based on his actions, he certainly seems very interested. Examples: Haven’t you met his friends? Didn’t he invite you to Rome? And wasn’t he sweet the whole time? And didn’t he confide in you some very personal experiences? And hasn’t he been consistently interested for the last few months? All of these examples say one thing: He’s interested. Unless of course something happened in Rome that you haven’t mentioned. (Something like: Awkward sex? or something in that family.)

So it’s time to let your defenses down and talk to him about how you feel, and what you’re thinking. If he reciprocates you’ll both work together to figure out how to make it work. If he doesn’t, then you no longer need to waste your time worrying whether he really likes you or not. In our eyes, it’s a win-win move, even though we understand it’s never easy to let your guard down.

Last thing: We realize you are in England and he’s in Canada, but even that distance is not impossible to cope with. People have dealt with far worse. And maybe once you square things away, both of you will see this relationship in a different light, and you’ll reevaluate your priorities. (Sometimes people get so stuck in their ways they don’t realize they can do whatever they want with their life, even if it requires swimming against the current.) Love is not something to take for granted. It certainly doesn’t happen every day. So we think you should make it a priority. It’s at least worth exploring.

We wish you the best. Please keep us posted on your situation.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And thanks for the donation.

 

Online dating: Should I move forward?

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

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Confusion: Is my housemate only interested in sex?

Hi Guys,

I am 37 and a mother of 2 kids. I have tried online dating which I am not so comfortable with.  Nonetheless, I tried it and have exchanged messages with different people from different parts of the world, but all just short notes. One time I received several nudges and winks from a guy with no profile picture.

For no reason at all, I decided to write and send a note. He sent me a message and we started chatting. Fortunately, the guy is extremely gorgeous and a real nice guy. He has showed sweetness and interest in me but on other days, I don’t feel it.  We’ve been chatting day and night for about a month now. Sending messages and talking on the phone. He is in Canada and I am in Asia. He does say that he will come here, but he doesn’t really tell me the purpose of meeting me. He says he will come to my country (he really adores women in our country) grab a girl and marry her, but of course the chemistry should be present.  He’s 38 and I am 37, and he said he want someone younger because he still wants to have kids. So this is really confusing me. I do like him. We do have chemistry; we enjoy our talks, we have something in common, we believe in the same things—morals, values—but it’s really puzzling me.  I don’t want to fall in love. We have not met which is crazy but I guess I really like how he is—not just the looks.

Should I stop?  or should I just go with the flow?  Should I show I am interested in him?  We do call each other with different words of endearment but that’s about it.  He never said he likes me, but he would always say I’m pretty and he seems happy whenever we talk.  Please, I need a guy’s perspective on this.

Thanks!

Single Mom

Dear Single Mom,

Thanks for your question.

While online dating has become very common, and in some cases successful, it’s still the wild frontier, especially in your situation where the two of you live in different countries. We would tread slowly and carefully with this person.

The first red flag is he doesn’t have his picture up with his profile. You say he showed you one after you started chatting, but you do realize he could have shown you a picture of anyone and you wouldn’t have known the difference? That’s not to say it isn’t a picture of him, just that the possibility is there that it’s not.

He’s also said he wants someone younger so he can have his own kids. Has he said anything about your age, or the fact that you already have two kids? Is he interested in taking on the responsibility of being a step-father? You need to have a much more in-depth conversation about this topic. Our sense is he wants someone even younger without kids.

We think you’ve got a lot of talking to do if you’re really going to be serious with this person. You need to find out more about who he is. What are his previous relationships? What does he do for work? Does he have friends? What’s his family like? What are his interests? Where does he stand on religion, politics, etc.? Then, you need to discuss the bigger topics like what you both are looking for in a partner.

We know it’s exciting to start talking with someone new, especially if you’re attracted to them. (At least the picture he showed you.) But at some point you’ll have to actually meet him, and get to know him on a day-to-day basis. And when you do, you’ll have to get to know him all over again. And that’s the biggest drawback with online dating. Sometimes the person you fall for via text, email, or phone, is actually very different from the person you finally meet.

We don’t see a problem with moving forward, but honestly he seems like he’s still out there looking. So if you do decide to keep exploring this, please be careful.  You need to get to know him in person before you jump into something more serious, or actually visit him. In fact he should be the one visiting you if he’s truly serious about being in a relationship with you. And when he does, he should probably stay at a hotel or some other place of your choosing just to give you some space from him. (You could have him stay with a guy friend of yours, or a brother or something.)

But our gut tells us he is still surveying the landscape, and still on the lookout.

Best of luck to you,

THE GUYS

ps. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS.

Friends with benefits?

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

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Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

___________________________

Dear Guys,

So I recently started hooking up with this guy. I liked him a little, and told him I wanted to keep things casual before we both start college in the fall. We hooked up one time, and ended up going “all the way.” I was originally not going to text him, but he began texting me and we’ve been talking non-stop. I’ve hung out with his friends, but he will never touch me in front of them. However, once we get into the car, he’ll begin talking to me and he’ll kiss me good night. We’ve gone “all the way” a few times now, and we both know each other really well. I am worried because he stopped texting me, even though he told me how eager he is to see me again in a non-sexual setting. I’m trying to figure out if this means he wants to be more than “friends with benefits,” or are we still only in the “hook up” stage? Keep in mind, we’ve hung out together and not done anything, and we both still have fun. I’m really confused about the state of this relationship

Hilary

Dear Hilary,

Thanks for your question.

Part of the confusion stems from your initial desire to keep things casual before you leave for college. But when you couple that with “hooking up,” which for some someone your age isn’t typically casual, now we’re even a bit confused.

What we’re gathering from your note is that now you’ve decided you like this guy beyond a “friends with benefits” arrangement. And this is the problem with casual “hook ups.” Someone—and often the woman because men still seem to more easily separate the physical from the emotional—starts to get connected emotionally, which leads to a potentially confusing and frustrating situation.

It might be nice to sort this out before you leave for college in a few weeks, but this could be the type of situation where things are up in the air even as you leave for school. A lot is going to happen for both of you in the next 9 months. And since things are already unclear between the two of you, maybe you should revert back to a platonic relationship with him so you can keep yourself open to new possibilities as you enter school. There ARE couples that stay together all throughout college, but those couples are rare, and usually have a solid foundation in place before they do the long distance dance. More typically, couples split up and explore on their own, and then sometimes reconnect a few years later. We think if people are meant to be together, somehow they’ll end up finding each other again.

If this answer doesn’t help you, then your best bet is to talk to him and try to find out where his head is at. And of course tell him how you’re feeling as well. But since he’s been giving you mixed signals you may not get the answer you’re hoping for.

Good luck on all fronts,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a comment or feel free to ask a follow up question. And let your friends know about us.

___________________________

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

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Long distance relationship: Trying again

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

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High school dating to college long distance relationship

What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

Getting back together: Is it possible?

Hey guys, (Sorry in advance for my long message!)

I met this guy almost a year ago online. We soon started talking and it developed into cyber-romance of sorts. A few months ago we decided to meet up after I told him I would be vacationing in a city near where he lived. We met up, had an amazing time, got intimate, and decided that once I went back home we would try a long-distance relationship. During that time, I applied to a study abroad program to be closer to him. Then things got…interesting.

We started arguing, over various things; his work is very high-stress and that may have contributed, but certain misunderstandings and insecurities started manifesting, and eventually we decided it might be best to end our relationship. It was his decision, and although it hurt me, I saw that it was probably the best thing since at this point it seemed to be all negative with very little positive to balance it out. Although we were very happy when I was there, the positives didn’t seem to be around quite so much when I wasn’t.

We’re still friends, and perhaps due to the experience, are closer than ever. I recently got accepted into one of the study abroad programs I had applied to (what timing, eh?) and I’ve decided to go: partially because I still care for him and partially because it’s always been a dream of mine.

I’m just a bit confused because, since I’ve told him I’m going, he’s been showing some signs that he might like to try again. We talk every day (we never stopped talking every day) and he has expressed that he’s not over me and for some reason can’t seem to get over me. He’s made various long-term plans with me, and confides in me more than he does anyone else. (He’s very closed-off with most people). There have been times when he’s admitted we’re more than just friends, and yet there are also times when he assures me we’re just friends. We’re still very attracted to each other and recently when we were having a discussion he said, “Why didn’t we work better than we did?” I explained my thoughts on it and then asked what he thought, and he said, “I think some day we’ll work it out. We just have to let it happen naturally. We can’t force it or it’ll ruin what we have and I don’t want that.”

I see that he cares about me and I still very much care for him, but I don’t know the extent or the sort of feelings he has. He’s very much a “head over heart” type of guy and expressed that he won’t allow himself to give me another chance at this time because he’s afraid of being hurt; but he also tells me constantly that he doesn’t know what will happen when I’m closer to his vicinity.

Maybe I sound a little pathetic, but I thought maybe you guys could help me out and give me a little male insight.

Thanks

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your question. You don’t sound pathetic at all. In fact you seem like an intelligent and intuitive young lady.

Long distance relationships seem to amplify every insecurity and fear two people have. (As you know) Some people are able to suppress these emotions as they crop up and focus on the bigger picture. (You seem to fall into that category.) Other people are not able to. (Your Guy) It’s clear the long distance piece of the relationship was too straining on your guy. It made him feel out of control, so he ended it.

Relationships are hard enough, but without a solid foundation of day-to-day, face-to-face time, they’re even more difficult. You conducted 95% of your relationship online before you met in person, so we can see how this was difficult to make the leap to a long distance relationship.

From what you describe your guy is definitely still interested. It’s clear he’s attracted to you, and you’ve said there’s strong chemistry between the two of you. Sure he’s giving you mixed signals but mainly because he’s not sure how it will be when you live nearby, since most of your relationship has been via email, text, or phone. And he’s nervous. You’re just going to have to wait and see, but we think it’s a very good possibility he’ll be ready to give it another shot shortly after you arrive.

The best thing you can do is be open to possibility, and make it clear to him that he can trust you emotionally. We realize it’s hard to open yourself up because it’s easier to get hurt if it doesn’t work out, but it’s really the only way to move forward in any relationship.

And please keep us posted with a follow up comment or question.

THE GUYS

ps. Consider a donation to THE GUYS. Thanks!

 

 

Four years of confusion

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating Older Men

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Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.)

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

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Break up confusion: Why did you do this?

Hello Guys,

Hopefully I won’t make this too long but here goes. I’m a junior in college and I have been dating the man I love for about four years now. He left to go to another city about 6 hours away from our home town to study art. I stayed here in town because one of the best programs for my major is at one of the state schools right here. About two years ago we decided a long distance relationship wasn’t the best idea. There was no one “else” in either one of our lives, but with new experiences we didn’t know where we were headed. We decided to continue “dating” though.

I dedicate myself to my education and the vice presidency of my sorority fully. I don’t blame him for doing what is best for him and leaving, nor has he ever criticized me for staying behind for my best interests. He graduated last year and has stayed where he went to school to work and pay off his school loans.

We have always communicated on a daily basis and make it a point to spend time with each other when given any opportunity to do so. We have always talked about the future, including children and marriage.

This past Christmas, he asked me to move in with him once I’ve completed my degree. I agreed. However, that was the last time I physically saw him. Between school getting more and more intense, clinical rotations, and summer courses, I haven’t been able to visit him. He also has not been able to come home due to a recent surgery.

Just last night he told me precisely this: “I never want to hurt you, so I think it’s fair I tell you that I’m seeing someone now. I can only blame it on the distance and the time we’ve had apart. It’s been so long since I’ve last been with you and right now, it’s uncertain when we’ll get the opportunity to see each other again and that alone hurts me. I don’t want that for us. If it ever happens between us, I will welcome it with the love I have for you. But for now I gotta do me. It hasn’t been anything serious with her and I don’t expect you to say anything about this, but I want you to understand that this doesn’t change how I feel about you. I’ll always love you. But apparently, we just can’t be together right now. Maybe some day. I love you and it’s killing me to never see you. It just isn’t fair to both of us. I still love you. I just can’t do this right now.”

I trust him, and I also give him props for telling me the truth. But it tears me to shreds to hear this. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this from him however. It has actually been a REALLY long time since we’ve had that conversation. It always seems to eventually rub off within a couple of weeks or months, whether there is someone else or not, and we’re back to normal and dandy all over again.

With that said, I guess my question is: Why love me and be with someone else? Is he just leaving me out to dry for later use, or does he see what I see for us someday?

I could never bring myself to do such a thing as see someone else when he has my heart. Four years is a long time and I honestly can’t see a future without him in it. But I also don’t want to be waiting around for his new-found fling to get “serious” all of a sudden.. though it has never happend, yet..

I’m so sorry for the novel!! However, please explain.

Thanks,
Marie

Dear Marie,

Thanks for your question.

We applaud your focus and dedication when it comes to your studies. Getting your career in place should be your number one goal right now. We hope you complete your course load, and establish yourself in the working world before you make any decisions about your relationship. Once you do that, you’ll be negotiating from a place of strength and security when it comes to figuring this relationship out. That may sound business-like, but it’s important for both of you to feel equally strong as you move forward.

As far as this other woman goes: We think it’s pretty selfish on his part. The relationship doesn’t sound serious, so we don’t think you need to worry about that, but he shouldn’t say all the things he’s saying to you, and still be sleeping with some other woman. Because what’s really going on? Yep. He wants sex. And if he can’t get it with you, he’s decided to get it from someone else until he can be with you. (If you believe he truly wants to be with you.) Also, what about this other woman? We wonder what he’s saying to her if he’s telling you he loves you? In our opinion he’s treating both of you disrespectfully and no matter how you slice it, it feels wrong.

Sure, guys want sex as much as they can get it, especially a young guy like your boyfriend. But so do women. So does everyone. But some people, like you for instance, are able to keep the larger picture in mind, and not act on every impulse or desire. He thinks since he’s been upfront with you that he’s free and clear, and absolved from any wrong doing. However, no such luck. It doesn’t work that way. If he wants to be single and have the freedom to act any way he wants, then by all means he has the right to do that. But if he chooses to be single and see other people, he can’t still keep you on the hook, string you along, and ask you to move in with him. He only gets to do one or the other, but not both. And that’s exactly what his speech to you is all about—keeping you in the fold while he explores other possibilities.

So Marie, you have to figure out how you want to address this issue. If you let it go and tell him it’s fine, even if you end up together, some other situation will come up where he’ll display his selfishness. You say it’s happened before, which means there is a pattern here—although the sample is kind of small. But this needs to be nipped in the bud now. We’re not telling you what to do because obviously you two have a strong connection, and you know better than us. We’re just presenting the picture from our perspective so you can see it with a bit more objectivity.

Here’s a test: It would be interesting to see how he would react if you told him exactly what he’s telling you. We doubt very highly he would be open and supportive of you and your needs if you started seeing some other guy.

One more point. Remember, you were still in high school when you met this guy. We know you love him dearly, but people change and evolve throughout their teens and twenties. In fact, we hope people never stop evolving throughout their lives. So consider keeping yourself more “open” as you embark on all the exciting new experiences life has to offer: school, career, a new city, and definitely new people.

We know you’ll figure this out Marie. We hope this helps you a little.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook and YouTube.

 

 

 

 

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating Older Men

Getting Played: Trust your Gut

Getting Played: Listen to your friends

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.)

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

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Hi guys!

I’ve been with my guy for three years now and we have a seventeen month old little boy. I have to admit our relationship has been rocky at times, and a lot of the time it’s because I have self esteem issues and never have felt good enough for him; and I’m worried he will find someone better. Anyway he is having to move away for a year soon to finish his degree. He will be going ten hours away from us. My son and I are staying back at home where I am studying and have support from family and friends. I am very anxious about us being away for that long even though he assures me all the time that he would never cheat on me. I just feel like he is going to meet a girl much better than me and realize he never wants to come back. I wish he didn’t have to go and I’m wondering if a guy really can survive without regular intimacy both physical and emotional for a long period of time. And since I won’t be there, maybe he will naturally and maybe unconsciously let me go.

Thanks guys xx

Nichola

Dear Nichola,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, a guy can survive without regular intimacy for a year. We are no different than women in this regard. In fact your situation has little to do with guys and girls, and much more to do with individuals. Guys who cheat, will cheat no matter what. Distance makes it easier, but for the cheater it doesn’t matter. On the contrary, someone who is going to be faithful will be faithful even if they have to wait for a year, because they have a clear moral compass that’s guiding them. Faithful guys are less narcissistic and are better able to put themselves in their partner’s shoes and say, “How would I feel if she cheated on me?”

Your boyfriend/partner will likely have to “take care” of himself—in that intimate way, if you know what we’re saying. And of course the two of you could always engage in various long distance intimacies—phone sex, text sex, flirtatious emails, etc.—to help connect the two of you in a semi-physical way, and make the time apart pass more quickly.

But there are bigger issues going on here. First of all, Nichola, you have to take him at his word. He says he would never cheat on you, so you have to believe him. Or not. It’s up to you. All of this worry is more about you than it is him, unless he’s given you some cause to be suspicious. You don’t mention that’s the case, so we assume these are your own insecurities playing with your head. And in general if you don’t get a handle on these thoughts and feelings, your relationship will continue to be rocky. He sounds like a patient sort of guy, but if he is constantly having to reassure you, that’s going to get old fast. It’s certainly not a big turn on. And if it continues for too long it might possibly drive him to do the very thing you’re most worried about: leave you.

We don’t know why you feel the way you do, but it’s something you should seek some professional help with. (That’s above our pay grade.) You need to get to the bottom of these feelings otherwise every relationship you have now, and in the future, will be affected, including the relationship you have with your son.

We have faith in you. Clearly you’re an introspective person, and that will serve you well as you look for some answers.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Not sure if he’ll ever commit

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Last week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

How to start a long distance relationship?

Is this boy playing me?

He’s back, but is he into me?

This week’s questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

Prom

Deleting Friendship on Facebook

Did I make a mistake by leaving him?

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

 

Dear Guys,

Hey, sorry this is long.

This guy I used to talk to over the summer I have recently started talking to again. We met last June when mutal friends all went out to a bar. I was interested but he seemed pretty shy so I was the one to approach him. We talked for a little that night and then we saw each other the next week at the same bar. We started talking more and the next time I saw him out he ended up kissing me, but never asked for my number. I ended up being the one to ask, messaging him on Facebook and we exchanged numbers. We hung out a few more times with friends and eventually started talking everyday. We would stay up extremely late talking to each other on the phone about everything. We eventually started hanging out alone, flirting and joking around, enjoying each others company. We even started kissing all the time and stuff but never had sex. I have never met his family and I knew he just got out of a relationship and didn’t want another right then. I then went back to school, which is an hour away from where he lives and we slowly stopped communicating as much. One night I said he was acting weird and he never responded.

I stopped texting him and just got over it and moved on. I heard from a friend that he said he didn’t know why he stopped talking to me and that I was a really nice girl. Since I used to talk to him everyday and we did build a friendship, I contacted him on Christmas to say merry Christmas. We would talk here and there but never like we used to. We hung out once in January with friends and we talked breifly about old times.

In the beginning of March he texted me saying he wanted to come visit. I said he was welcome to whenever and since that night we have started talking everyday again. I went home one weekend shortly after he texted me and we hung out. Everything went great and felt comfortable like it used to. Since then we started hanging out more, he has even come visit here a few times. We talk everyday, mostly through texting but occasionally phone calls. We flirt a lot when we do talk and recently we’ve started having sex. He calls me babe sometimes and sometimes says how he wishes he could be here with me. I usually am the one to actually ask him to hangout but he always seems interested.

I usually tend to push people away but for some reason, not with him. Although I do express my feelings a little bit I definitely hold back a lot because I’m not sure what he wants. I know he wasn’t ready for another relationship over last summer but I’m not sure if he is now, or ever will be!

Audrina

Dear Audrina,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s too early to tell what’s going to happen here. He obviously is interested in you, but as far as a long term interest you’ll just have to wait and see.

We think you need to tone it down and step it up.

You should tone it down by letting him take the initiative more. Let him ask you to do things. You might be frustrated by this if he doesn’t move at a pace of your liking, but it will give you a better indication of his interest. We think you’re making it way too easy for him because you’ve pretty much initiated all the forward movement of this relationship.

You should step it up by expressing your feelings to him. You don’t have to tell him everything, but you need to take this relationship out of your head and onto the table. If you reveal a bit of how you’re feeling, he might open up to you about what’s going on for him.

The last thing we’ll say is: Time will give you more answers. It’s too soon to really know where this is going, especially since you’re at school and essentially in a long distance relationship. The good news is that he seems interested in making the effort to come see you at school, but still he needs to start initiating these weekend hangs. Also, be aware that he could be visiting you just for sex. We’re not saying that’s the case, but guys have been known to travel long distances for some action. This is why you need to start gathering more information soon. But in order to do that you’re going to have to give up some control, externally and internally.

Keep us posted and feel free to ask any follow up questions. Leave us a note in the comment section of this post.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please spread the word and let your friends know about us.

How to start a long distance relationship?

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

____________________________

Dear Guys,

I recently met a man and really hit it off with him, even though we only spent about a week together. The problem is he lives a two hour plane ride away. We’ve kept in touch via texting and it’s been getting very suggestive. I want to see if this could potentially be a relationship but is he just in it for phone/cyber sex? I’m not sure if I should go with it and see what happens or back off?
Thanks!

Olivia

Dear Olivia,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s hard to say what this guy wants. But if you’re really interested in pursuing this more you need to get to know him much better.

The first way to do this is talk to him as much as possible. We know that texting-especially of the suggestive nature-can be fun, but it’s keeping the relationship in the fantasy realm which is always sexy and seductive, but not going to help you gather the information you need to figure out if you want to pursue a relationship with him. And since you live a good distance from each other you need to up the actual conversation to find out more about him-his friends, interests, job, family- and then hopefully find out about what he wants-casual relationship, committed relationship, marriage, or a fling.

Of course ultimately the best way to find out about him is to get together in person. You don’t mention how the two of you met but we assume from your cautious tone that maybe you met online. It doesn’t seem like he’s a friend of a friend or anything like that. So if you do get together maybe it should be on your terms and your turf. If he’s really interested he’ll be willing to do whatever he can to see you, which includes abiding by the guidelines you set.

If you really want to explore this but don’t feel you know him well enough, then have him stay at a hotel while he visits you. That way he’s not actually staying with you while he visits. You always have the option of inviting him to stay, but at least this doesn’t throw you into an uncomfortable position of having to move faster than you’re ready to. It’s also not a bad thing to proceed with a little caution since you don’t know him that well.

If for some reason you decide to visit him, we suggest the same thing. You should stay with a friend in that city, or at a hotel, just so you can have a little bit of separation for you to think, and remove yourself from the intensity that is part of any long distance relationship, and any “activities” he may be encouraging you to engage in.

But first and foremost start talking to him as much as possible. If he resists or doesn’t seem like he wants to put the time into really getting to know you, then he probably is looking for just a hook up.

Keep us posted. And good luck.

THE GUYS

Olivia and readers, please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Long distance relationship-to college friend: Is this girl playing me?

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on theAsk the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

Last week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Is he my boyfriend or am I just booty call?

We smile; does he like me?

Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship

This week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Hey Guys,

I’ll be as thorough as possible because this girl is really unique. She is unlike any girl I’ve ever met. So anyway, we’ve known of each other for about 3 years. She lives about an hour away from me, but I have a close buddy that lives down there and we met through him. We only really saw each other when I’d go visit him and that was pretty rare, but I think my buddy was slightly jealous because she would talk about me a lot. So finally,  she and I found out we were going to the same school and she hits me up wanting to hang out. I agreed, I didn’t really know anyone on campus but I sure as hell wasn’t going to just sit in my dorm all semester. So I went out and we went on a walk and it was actually really fun.

This walking thing started happening 2-4 times a week. Now keep in mind, I think she’s really hot but at the time we started going on walks I didn’t have feelings for her nor was I interested. I thought she was a little immature and somewhat naive, but the conversation was still great.

So the semester started in September, and by November we became really close. I was telling her stuff I couldn’t even tell my buddies and she was telling me stuff she couldn’t even tell her best friends. So essentially we became best friends that semester. Oh by the way, in October she made a slip and said she had a boyfriend that she’s been seeing since the start of the semester, who lives at home.

Anyway, come November, she’d always tell me how shitty her boyfriend was and stuff and I’d just sit there asking her why she deals with it. She’d tell me things she does for him and that he doesn’t even appreciate her. Anyway, because of these stories and us sharing so many interests, I really started to have feelings for her.

(Note to readers: We are going to sum up Ryan’s situation)(Note to Ryan: We had to shorten your note a bit, but our comments reflect your entire question.)

We started hanging out more and more and became closer and closer. We even started holding hands and kissing. But the thing is she still had this boyfriend that she wouldn’t break up with. After a while I told her it was too difficult to hang out with her knowing she had a boyfriend. Over spring break we didn’t talk much and it was hard on both of us. When school started up again we started hanging out again and it was great. It’s almost as if she’s my girlfriend but not really. We don’t have sex, but we do hug, kiss, and hold hands. She complains about her boyfriend more and more, even crying and saying she doesn’t know what to do.

I really like this girl and I don’t want to loser, even if it means we’ll just be friends. But my heart wants so much more.

So here are my question(s).

1) Am I not seeing the big picture here?

2) She’s mentioned she’s going to break up with him but has not. This is her first relationship and I know how hard it is to break up with your first “love” so should I show sympathy or be pissed she hasn’t broken up with him yet?

3) Is there a game plan I can assemble to make her dump him? Normally I don’t play the d-bag that does that, but he’s a real scum bag and treats her like dirt. She isn’t treated the way she deserves.

4) Would everyone agree here that there’s something more than just feelings of friendship between us? Or do you see me getting played by this girl?

Ryan

Dear Ryan,

Thanks for the very detailed question.

You’re definitely not getting played if you’ve described everything accurately, which we assume you have. It’s obvious from what you say that both of you have strong feelings for one another. In fact we’d go so far as to say, you both feel equally strong about one another.

We have to be honest and say that it does bother us that she is being unfaithful to her boyfriend. We’d hate the same thing to happen to you down the road if she were to leave him and be with you. We wish she were strong enough to break up with him first and then be with you, or just tell you that she can’t hang out with you and stay with her boyfriend. The fact that she has one foot in both places reflects her inability to make difficult decisions; although she is young and sometimes life just happens. We’ll just assume your assessment of her character is clearer than ours. So let’s address your questions.

Ryan, you need to ask yourself what’s stopping her from breaking up with her boyfriend? If he’s that lame, why hasn’t she broken it off yet? Sure, he’s her first “love” but this has been going on for long enough don’t you think? A lot of people are afraid to break up with someone because they don’t like being lonely. (In her case, she has someone who’s willing and waiting.) Some people don’t break up for fear of hurting the other person, but she’s already done that by starting a pseudo-relationship with you. So what gives? You need to really understand what’s going on with her. Have you asked her directly what’s stopping her? This needs to be discussed.

We don’t think you should formulate some game plan to get her to break up with her boyfriend; that’s not a good idea. If you do that and she thinks you’ve influenced her before she was ready to break it off, it will only lead to resentment down the road. She needs to figure this out herself. If she chooses you over him, you will be much happier. And if it doesn’t work out, then she’s not the right girl for you anyway.

Ryan, you’ve got a real nice thing with this girl. We think you need to tell her how you feel about her, and what you really want. Don’t pretend you’re okay with being friends with her, when you really want her to be your girlfriend. Be straightforward and honest with her, AND with yourself. It’s okay to ask for what you want. We encourage it. Sure, there are no guarantees in life, but you don’t want to look back with regret.

If nothing changes after you talk with her, it might be time to pull back a little. In some ways you’re a bit too accessible to her. Right now she gets to have your friendship, and have her boyfriend too. And sometimes people have a hard time making big decisions when there’s too much in front of them. If you make yourself a bit more scarce, she might have some room to really assess how she feels about you, and her boyfriend, and then make a decision that is right for her, and hopefully right for you as well. This doesn’t mean play hardball. Don’t remove yourself entirely and play some game with her. She needs to know that you still care for her, and that you’ll be there for her, but she also needs to know that the current situation is not working for you.

Keep your eye on the prize Ryan, but you may have to let it out of your sight before you actually get to have it.

Good luck and keep us posted. We’re rooting for you.

THE GUYS

 

 

Hurt and Confused in long distance relationship

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

This week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Is he my boyfriend or am I just booty call?

We smile; does he like me?

Here are last week’s questions:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

The Gym Guy: Is he interested?

Sex after child

Is he playing me?

Dating and Deployment: Should I start a relationship?

Dear Guys,

To make a long story short, I met a guy from a city 5 hours away through mutual friends.  We hit it off and started talking from then on.  He initiated everything, and texted or called me every single day.

I went to visit him 4 times over a 5 month period, and towards the end of the 4th month we decided to have sex.  We weren’t “official” but acted in every way like a long-distance couple.  We talked every single day, supported one another as I worked through my senior year of college and applied to graduate school, and he started a new job.  He still initiated 80% or more of our conversations, and remembered all the small things in my life, as I did in his life.

Once he started his new job he started to get depressed and stressed.  He was living alone in a new city and having a hard time adjusting.  I knew this, and tried to support him in every way I knew how to.  I never pushed a relationship status, because I felt comfortable with where we were at and confident of where we were going.

On the day I texted him to tell him I got into my top graduate school (5th month), he was happy for me, but we soon ended up talking about us as a couple.  He then said to me that he just couldn’t commit himself to anybody at this time, and that he liked me, but the time was too hard for him.  I was hurt, but knew that he was having a very hard time dealing his new job, and told him that he should do what he needs to do to be happy.

We talked twice within the next couple weeks, and exactly a month after we had our talk I found out that he was in a relationship with a girl he had met in his current city.

I’m not mad or jealous of this, but extremely extremely hurt.  I feel like I was used.  It hurts me to think that I wasn’t good enough for him to make me a part of his life.  I let all my guards down for this guy, and had no doubt in my mind that he did care for me.  I’ve never felt this way about a guy, and he expressed the same to me.

We haven’t talked at all since all this has happened, which makes me feel like he never even cared about me.  I’m just really really confused and hurt over this at a time in my life when I should be happy.  How could he start a relationship so fast when he told me he couldn’t commit to anybody at this time?

What happened?  Help! :(

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your note. We’re sorry you’re hurting so much. And we can understand why.

But first let’s focus on the positive. Congratulations on getting into your top school. You should feel very proud of that accomplishment; and you’re right, this is a very exciting time in your life and you should be happy. We’re confident that once you start school, and get into the groove there, you will see that maybe this will work out after all.

We’re not going to pooh pooh how you feel, or tell you this all happened for a reason, but we will say if we were in your shoes, we would be excited to arrive at our new destination with a fresh outlook and a clear mind. Having a boyfriend in some other city, especially a guy that gets depressed and stressed, would likely distract you from your primarily goal, which is to focus most of your efforts on yourself and your chosen academic field.

But having said that, we can see why you would be hurt and confused, and probably pretty soon, very angry. It’s hard to let your guard down and give yourself over to someone. Yes, it sounds like he was into you, but when things got more complicated he bailed. That should give you an indication of what kind of guy you were truly dealing with.

Long distance relationships are ripe for these types of problems. Without the day to day connections that build the foundation for a long term relationship, things can go south pretty quickly, often with one person-you-not even being aware of it. It’s less about the people and more about the situation. Some people can handle this type of separation because they have clear convictions, loyalties, and a strong sense of self. You would fall into this category. Your “guy friend” would not.

The reason this is such a surprise to you is because you didn’t know him the way you thought you did. And once again this is where the long distance piece can skew the entire picture. He may have been charming, fun to be with, interesting, and exciting; but most people can keep that up for a weekend, or even a week. However, day in and day out, the realness of people is exposed. We think this realness is a good thing in the long run, because long term relationships are much more satisfying, albeit not necessarily more exciting all the time, than flings, or casual dating. You never got to see the real him, until now. So you, along with countless other men and woman in long distance relationships, were blinded by the excitement of the situation, and the limited access to the actual person.

We hope you understand that he wasn’t the guy you thought he was. And this means that once you get over the hurt, it will become clearer and clearer to you that you are exactly in the place you need to be. Don’t let your ego fill you up with anger. Move on and throw yourself into your studies. You’re about to embark on an adventure, and what better way than to arrive at school with a mind and heart completely open to possibilities. That’s a wonderful place to be in life.

And who knows what or whom is waiting around the corner.

So enjoy,

THE GUYS

 

Long distance relationship: Am I doing the right thing?

Read Monday’s question/answer: My old flame: I’d like to try again

And for other insights about guys, check out our network home page.

The Guy’s Network

Now for our most recent question:

Dear Guys,
I’m currently a junior in a VA high school. I met this guy my freshman year- his junior year-and we kind of started liking each other, and we started talking on the phone pretty much every night. By the end of the year he ended up moving to DC/MD with his  dad(non-optional). We lost contact that whole summer and then regained it by the next school year. He ended up graduating in DC/MD and I now have one year left of high school to go; we still talk every night and talk on ooVoo every once in a while. Most of my friends keep asking me why I still talk to him because they don’t like the idea of a long distance relationship. I understand what they mean but I don’t know if I should be waiting or not, also considering the fact that we have YET to see each other since he left.
I know that he is trying to buy a car because he told me “Once I get my car I’m going to see you every, if not, every other weekend because I really want you to be my girlfriend, but I couldn’t handle seeing you only once or twice a month.” I think that is sweet and all and I really do want to be with him, but I don’t want to say yes to him and then find out that we can’t really see each other as much as we want. I feel this way because I’ve known him for 2 1/2 years and he’s been gone for going on 2 years but for some reason we just can’t find a way to successfully see each other…. Am I doing the right thing by waiting around for him?

Teresa

Dear Teresa,

Thanks for writing to us. We really like how much thought you’ve put into your question.

It’s obvious you have a solid connection with this guy. He likes you and you like him. Don’t undervalue that. Yes, long distance relationships are not ideal, but sometimes life happens and we find ourselves in these situations. It sounds like you’re both handling the situation rather maturely.

However, even though you sound mature for a seventeen year old, you are kind of young to be committing to a long distance relationship. We’re not saying that’s a deal breaker because every person is different, but typically someone your age wouldn’t wait around.

Here’s our advice. Keep the lines of communication open with this guy, you never know where it might lead if it doesn’t work out right now. But don’t stop going out and having fun with your friends. We also think you should keep your options open with other guys who go to the same school as you do, or who live closer. We know this could be difficult since you have such a strong emotional connection with your long distance guy, but you really do need to keep exploring while this other situation sorts itself out-if indeed it does at all.

Please let us know if you other questions about this. Just post them in the comments section on this post. And let us know what you decide to do.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Readers: If you have any relationship questions, or general questions about guys/men/boys, give us a call at: 347-855-GUYS, or leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll either post your letter, or answer it on our podcast. Check it out on itunes, or on the home page of this site. .

The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. Subscribe please.

We try to answer all the questions, but due to the volume of questions it’s not always possible. But keep asking. Thanks.

TGP Episode 21: Third Act Tragedy

We begin with “Youth is Wasted on the Young” - Cucch and Sai share Life’s Milestones

Then Jen “Asks the Guys” about her long distance relationship. Is she getting good vibes?

We finish with “THE MEAT” – an intense discussion about life’s third act. What happens after tragedy strikes? Or…..maybe more and more people are actually choosing a third act?

Thanks for listening! We really appreciate your support. Please contact us if you have any relationship questions, father stories to share, or any comments or general questions for us.

Subscribe on itunes, and leave us a five star review. It only takes a minute. Once we hit 60 reviews we’ll be picking a winner for a piece of our merchandise.

Be on the lookout for our new website. Coming soon…ish.

Long term feelings?

Dear Guys,

I went on a trip to Europe this summer  to visit my family, like I do every year. My last week there I met someone who I used to know when I was a little girl. We hung out with a group of friends for three days and we all instantly became like family. This guy and I became obsessed with each other for those three days and instantly decided to keep in contact. We  promised to see each other before next summer.

It’s been two months since we’ve seen each other now and we’re both going back to the same place we were this summer for New Year’s Eve to see each other. We talk every couple of days, sometimes once a week but when we do he always tells me “I need you, I need you”

Before we said our goodbyes this summer he said, “What am I going to do without you for a whole year?” He also said, “Don’t find anyone else.” We’ve talked about his past relationships and he’s never been with a girl for more than 2 months.  I also get bored of guys very easily and I’ve never been with someone for longer than 2 months also.

From a guys perspective, do you think this affection will last for him? We only knew each other for three days but I feel like I’ve known him for so long.

Dora

Dear Dora,

Thanks for writing to us. Interesting question.

Your behavior in the past doesn’t necessarily determine how this new situation will go. Just because the two of you get bored with other people doesn’t mean you’ll get bored with each other. When it’s right, it’s right.

However, it’s way too early to know whether it is in fact, “right.” You need to spend considerably more time with him, and more consistent time with him to really know how you’ll feel. Seeing him periodically for a few intense days won’t tell you much about having a long term relationship with him. Long distance relationships are full of longing, and heightened feelings. You need to see how it is on a more day-to-day basis.

But Dora, you’re off to a great start. You’ve found someone you really like that you connect with; and the feeling’s mutual. That doesn’t happen every day. So go with it. See where it takes you. And enjoy the ride. Keep your wits about you, but don’t over think things. If you like each other after the next meeting, plan another one. Just take it a step at a time.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Readers: If you have any relationship questions or just general questions about guys, drop us a line on the Ask the Guys page here on our website. We’ll either answer you on our blog or on our podcast.

If you haven’t listened to our podcast, check it out on the podcast page, or subscribe through itunes or Zune. And spread the word to your friends. Thanks!!

Long distance relationship

Dear Guys,

I have been dating this guy that lives in AZ for the last 4 months. I’m in California. We get alone well and seem to enjoy each other’s company when we get together almost every other weekend.

But now I’m not seeing him for a month. So I like to talk on the phone every day. For me it helps keep us closer. Lately he hasn’t been very crazy about talking too much or too long. I understand because sometimes we talk at 1am-2am.

So I guess I would like to know how to approach this and what kind of ideas you have to make this time apart more fun. Or give some suggestions on ways to cope with the distance.  In a way, I guess more for me, since I seem to be the one who he needs more reinforcement with love or attention. This is hard at times, but when we see each other it’s good and worth it…thank you!

Patricia

Dear Patricia,

Thanks for writing.

Long distance relationships, are by nature more difficult than a regular relationship. Both people have to be even more diligent about keeping in close contact and being sensitive to the other person’s needs. Otherwise the bond can lose some of its elasticity.

Insecurities can also mount for one person or both, because the comfort of knowing your partner will be home for dinner every night isn’t there. And when insecurities enter into the equation the imagination-or maybe not the imagination-can start to run wild…….What’s he doing? Is he out at a bar? Are there other women involved? Does he not care about me anymore? Is he cheating? And so it goes.

In your case Patricia it doesn’t sound like he’s doing any of these things. At first he was probably happy to talk with you for hours every day, but trying to sustain that, AND go to work, pay the bills, do the chores, can get to be very difficult. To us, he just sounds like he’s resumed his daily life. That doesn’t mean he’s not into you, but it means that balance has been restored, at least for him. His initial rush of hormones have receded to a more manageable level, and he’s back to taking care of business. Don’t worry, as soon as he sees you, everything will come rushing back. At least we hope!

So here are a few suggestions to help you keep in touch, and have some fun. Try limiting the phone conversations to three long ones per week(1 hour), and then maybe three short ones.(5-10 minutes) That will take some of the pressure off. Get a texting plan. Don’t go crazy. But a few texts sprinkled throughout the day could be fun. Maybe even a few “suggestive” ones to spice things up. (Be aware that it’s easy to keep a record of texts….ala Tiger Woods)

What about a daily email? Or send each other a special gift once a week? Alternate weeks. One week you send him a surprise, and another week he does. Make these little things and not expensive. It’s the thought that counts. Use your imagination. We’re sure you can think of something  creative. (Articles of your clothing-and not one of your jackets!, Something engraved that’s small, movie tickets for when you come visit, etc.) Even an actual written letter is quite romantic and very fun to get! It shows how much you care.

Hang in there Patricia. Women are usually much better at keeping in touch in general, so you might have to do a little more of the prompting. But we just want to throw something out there. We don’t know what your plans are, but after another 2-4 months or so, it’s completely reasonable to ask him where things are going. You can’t have a long distance relationship forever, unless you really like it that way. And the whole goal is to one day be together in the same town, or maybe in the same house, if you love each other!

And one final thought. While you’re apart, you might want to keep yourself busy doing some new things.  A book club. Learn a new language. Take a class. Pick up the guitar. Whatever.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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