What am I considered?

For the past half a year I have kept in touch daily with this guy I met in my home town. I visit back often and we have messaged pretty frequently. We use Facetime weekly due to the long distance. With a couple of visits we have gone pretty far but no sex. (THE GUYS assume she means intercourse.) We rarely talk about defining the relationship, and for a time I came off as not wanting to become official. I saw no point since we're so far away. But you also could say that we both want to end up together even though it's unrealistic. We are very close. How does he see me? "Marisa"

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My traveling boyfriend makes me feel left behind (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend left me to go for six months and volunteer/travel in Ecuador and around South America. Before he left, we both could not stop crying because we knew that this would be so hard on both of us.

We decided to Skype but I never get a smile from him or anything. I’m just worried that he is leaving me behind for the friends he has made on the trip. He used to say, “I miss you, my favorite person.” Or “I wanna talk to you, I miss your face, I miss everything, I love you.” But now I get absolutely nothing; we talk as if we’re only friends or even acquaintances, and I am just worried that he doesn’t miss me or doesn’t care about me anymore, or that he’ll come home and break up with me because he’s happy on his own. I am really scared because this guy is the love of my life; we have been together for over two-and-a-half years and I am just so scared. I hate feeling left behind. He never tells me he misses me unless I say it to him first.

Please help me! Why don’t guys express their emotions? I understand he is probably very distracted by all the new people and sights but why is he pushing me into the background?

Cygalle

Dear Cygalle,

Thanks for your question. Just so you know, in these types of situations, it’s often harder on the person being left behind rather than the one who is off exploring. And that’s what we see going on here. Every day he’s meeting new people, exploring new places, absorbing new lessons, and expanding his world. In the meantime, you’re at home living your same day-to-day life, wondering why he’s not reaching out to you more.

He’s not, for this simple reason: He’s so excited with his life right now that he’s not thinking about you as much. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you anymore, it just means he’s not able to balance it all right now. If you start demanding more from him he may grow resentful. This is his time to spread his wings and see the world. If it were you traveling, you might feel the same way. (Although we think you might be more sensitive to how he’s feeling.) And that’s the issue we see. He’s not being that understanding of what you’re going through. (This is why some couples choose to break up temporarily in these types of situations. Because it’s hard for both people.) It shows his inability to juggle the complexities of his life. Or his unwillingness.

As per expressing his emotions, or not expressing his emotions. Yes, guys might be able to lock their emotions away more easily, but there are many guys who are actually quite good at expressing how they feel. Is he generally a pretty closed person, and someone who’s not comfortable expressing himself? (Fill us in please in comments’ section below post.)

We think this is a situation Cygalle, where you’re going to have to be patient and just wait-and-see. You knew this was going to be hard, you just didn’t know how hard. Well, now you know. You have two choices: 1. Sit around and worry for the next six months. 2. Support him on his journey as best you can…..But in the meantime you need to continue moving forward in your own life. Six months feels like forever, but it’s a very short time in the big scheme of things. You can make it through.

Are you meeting up with him at any point in his travels? (Just a thought. Maybe you could suggest it. Or hint at it. Ideally he would suggest it.)

There are no guarantees that this will all work out, but you can’t go by how you’re feeling right now. Basically, for the next six months your relationship is on hold. After this trip is over, then you can better assess the relationship. Let us know if you have any follow-up questions. Ask away. And let us know your thoughts on what we’ve said.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

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Taking my long distance friendship to the next level (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Hi Guys,

My dilemma has to do with taking a long distance relationship with a friend to the next level possibly. I’ve read a lot of the posts about long distance/(is he interested), but I feel like my situation is a hybrid of several categories so I figured I’d ask for myself. So here is the backstory:

I met this guy my junior year of college, but we didn’t really get to know each other until the next year. We became pretty fast friends; we have a shared interest in politics, but also talked about other things. Within a few months, in addition to seeing eachother in school, we were going out for drinks after class and having lunch together a couple of times a week. We talked pretty much everyday, often late into the night.

I had a crush on him and he seemed to have an interest in me, even coming up with his own nick name for me, but we never talked about it. I’m a pretty firm believer in the guy making the first “official” move. We flirted but it never went anywhere. We had both recently gotten out of very long term relationships and were about to graduate and (at least on my end) planned on moving back home. Things went on like this throughout the year.

After graduation we kind of fell out of touch. I had moved back home and was about to start law school; he was looking for a job. About 5 months after graduating he calls me out of the blue—we never really talked on the phone, always in person or text— he said he was just thinking about me and decided to call. We talked on the phone for at least an hour, only stopping because I had an appointment to go to. Since then our communication has been pretty sporadic. Again, I was busy with school, him with his career- which had taken him to the other side of the country.

About a year ago I texted him and during our conversation he said something flirty to which I said something along the lines of “you had your chance.” I was joking(ish), but his response surprised me. He said that he knew that but that it just hadn’t been the right time. This was the first time we had even mentioned the mass of sexual tension between us. Since then we have talked off and on, sometimes exchanging dirty texts. I usually initiate the conversations these days, although it has not always been this way. Lately, (the last few months) it seems like our conversations are shorter and I’m less likely to hear back from him after we exchange a few texts. I’m confused; while our conversations tend to be short, he’s pretty flirty still, saying things like, “You must have a thing for me,” and “I’ll bet that made you blush.” I’m not really sure what to make of it.

I really care about this guy, and especially after dating some other people since college have really realized how much a care about him and would like to at least try a relationship with him. He’s back from the other side of the country but still about an hour plane ride from where I live; but it’s not an impossible distance.

I guess my question is two-fold. 1) Does it even sound like this guy is into me or am I totally misreading the situation? The lack of initiation of conversation/dropping the conversation is unsettling to me as a usually find this is a trait of selfish/inconsiderate guys, but considering it has not always been this way I’m not sure if it is just a symptom of the distance. He’s a little but older than me (about 6 years, I’m 23) for what it’s worth. 2) If he is interested how do I go about starting something?

In case it wasn’t already clear we have never slept together or had any other sort of physical relationship. Other than a few risqué texts the relationship has been just friends.

Thanks Guys!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Nice to hear from you. You’ve got an interesting situation on your hands. But before we get to your question we want to thank you for your donation. We appreciate it!

What jumps out at us is his response to your quip, “Well, you had your chance.” He said, “Well, I knew that, but it wasn’t the right time.” The thing to understand about guys is that when they’re way into a girl, they’ll do whatever they can to make that known, and then they’ll try to seal the deal. The “right time” doesn’t factor in. (What, was he too busy or something?) He had time to hang out with you a ton, so if he was interested he probably would have made some kind of move. So the question we’re wondering is why? Why wasn’t that a good time? Is that a nice way of deflecting your question without hurting your feelings, or is he somehow different than most of the guys we know, including us? The one possibility of course is if he was hurting over his long-term relationship. But we don’t get that sense. That seems like an easy excuse.

We think he still isn’t sure how he feels. He talks dirty and flirts when he’s remembering all the great things about you. When he realizes he’s not sure, and that he might be leading you on, he pulls back and doesn’t respond to your texts. (We don’t see him as selfish, just confused.) It’s easy for people to remember all the positives, and forget that they weren’t sure from the onset. He’s vacillating because he very much wants to have strong feelings for you, but he doesn’t want to start something and then realize that it’s not what he wants. (And he cares for you too much; he doesn’t want to hurt you.)

That said, we still think it’s worth reaching out to him. What have you got to lose? Sure, it might make the friendship awkward, but honestly the friendship is already awkward because you want more. Guys do take time to mature. If we’re doing our math correctly he’s 29 and it’s about that time that guys wake up and start realizing all the things they don’t know. An awakening of sorts. Maybe his awakening will include you? But it sounds like you’re going to have to be the one to get this conversation started. (Although we’re hoping he will.) Is there a way to casually inquire about seeing each other? Would he have a reason to visit your hometown in addition to seeing you? What about you visiting him? That might give you more control over the situation? If you visit and stay at a hotel or something, you could always leave early if things weren’t working out. (We’d definitely recommend staying somewhere other than his place based on the unclear nature of your relationship.

What do you think? How does this plan seem? Leave us a comment below and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. (Leave all in comments section below.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Relationship and Dating Advice: My daughter’s relationship

Hi Guys,
I need your help in helping my daughter understand what is going on. She has been in a relationship for almost two years. (Plus another ten months that he kept asking her out.)

Everything was great until a week ago. He is away at college only 45 minutes from here. She is here in college. It is hard on her being away from him. Anyway, they fight a lot about trust and she gets angry and screams at him on the phone. So he told her that he needed to take a break, and for her to give him his space. That was three weeks ago. Then he texted me and said he wanted to give her a promise ring for their two year anniversary and that it was time to take it to the next level.

They got back together that day, and he told her he was sorry and that he loves her and misses her. That week he came home for fall break and they had and wonderful time. He went back to school late that Sunday and all was well. (Oh and he ask if he could have his class ring back because he missed wearing it. She gave it back since it was too big for her to wear and it just lay there on her dresser.)

Monday morning he didn’t answer her text and so she continued to text and text blowing up his phone. He finally answered and said his phone battery was low and that he would call her when he charged it. Well by this time she was thinking all kinds of things and when they did talk they had a fight. Anyway, come last Saturday he told her that he need to let go of stresses in his life and that she was the one he could let go of. He needed to find where he was going with his future, and that he was breaking up with her as he didn’t need to be in a relationship at this time. He said he loved her, and his head was telling him to stay, but his heart wasn’t in it. But since then he has not gone a day without texting her, mostly joking around. He doesn’t say he loves her or misses her. She wants him back, and is trying to let him come to her. She doesn’t text or call him. Now we are at the weekend it has been like this for a week.

I just don’t know what to tell her. One week he is talking promise ring, then they have the best fall break together ever, then he breaks up with her, but continues to text her everyday. I just don’t understand this at all. He tells her there is nobody else, and that if she wants to see others during this time he understands. She pulled herself together (keep in mind this is all over the phone) and told him that she loves him and that she will wait til he tells her he is no longer in love with her and to move on.

Her heart is breaking. Yes she has trust issues, and may not always handle it well, but this? I feel like it was all planned from the beginning about the promise ring to get his class ring back. I just don’t know what to tell her and I want to help her. Please help if you can.

Mom

Dear Mom,

Thanks for your question. We know you mean well and want this to work out for your daughter. And we get it, truly we do. But you’re too close to the situation. Our first suggestion is to take a step back and remove yourself from the equation. We know your daughter and boyfriend are young, but if they’re old enough to be in a serious relationship they’re old enough to work things out for themselves. Your job—and we know you know this— is to support your daughter, listen to her when she needs someone to listen to, and provide her a shoulder to cry on. As painful as it may be, you can’t solve this for her, and nor you should. One way or another things will work themselves out.

While we can’t get inside this guy’s head, what’s going on is pretty typical, especially since he is young—they both are—and in a long distance relationship while in college. He’s confused. On the one hand he loves your daughter—or at least cares for her a lot—and on the other hand he’s in college and he’s wanting to experience that fully. He should, and so should your daughter. College is a time where young people are exposed to new and exciting things. It’s a time of self-discovery and self-actualization. It also can be a lot of fun, but not when you’re tied to a relationship that is weighing on you. And so, while we’re not mind-readers we’ll take a gander at reading his. What we see is a confused young man who doesn’t know what to do. Part of him wants to be with your daughter, and the other part wants to be free to experience college to the fullest.

So what this all comes down to is timing. Or rather, bad timing. While he’s not necessarily handling this very maturely—we don’t like his flip-flopping—he’s doing the best he can with his limited experience and grace. Trying to transition a high school relationship to college is a very difficult thing to do. (We’re assuming they met in high school, but even meeting early on in college is tricky.) Sure, some people marry their high school sweethearts, but these days it’s rare. What CAN happen is that high school sweethearts break up, explore and live on their own for a time, and then get back together. But when this happens—which is also rare—it happens organically. There’s no plan, it just becomes clear to them that they should be together, usually because they live in the same town and keep running in to each other, or they’re keeping in touch casually and then they realize they want to be together again. But frankly, the high school relationships that do work, only work because the people have experienced what they need to experience on their own, and then choose to come back together. (Choose is the operative word.)

So support your daughter, but let the chips fall where they may. If these two are destined to be together, it will happen. But right now he’s choosing to live his life, and she should try to do the same. There are a lot of great experiences to be had in college, but they both have to have their eyes open in order for that to happen.

Good luck and keep us posted. Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. (Or have your daughter ask as well.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Relationship and Dating Advice: I need more from my husband

Hey Guys,

I’ve been married 10 plus years, so you would think by now that I’ve got my husband figured out. We’re both military and have endured many separations for long periods of time, months…a year…the list goes on. He’s been gone three months and we have three more to go. He tells me he loves me everyday on Skype but I am still lonely and missing him.

I asked him to talk to me more about wanting to do things with me…you know, sexually. (Even if we can’t I still think about it and need to know he still wants to; otherwise what am I waiting for?) I have tried to tell him I need him to flirt with me OR just talk about what we’re going to do when we’re together again. I even sent him a list of things he could do to put me at ease and make me feel more secure about our separation (i.e. Text me dirty messages or something) I’m not asking him to have cyber sex; I just need to be reassured I’m still the one.

I don’t believe in cheating and feel like we have a solid relationship but it seems the more I try to tell him how I feel, and what I need, the less I get.  He’s not in a combat zone and has his own room in a physical building this time, so it’s not like he would be embarrassed by the guys if he sweet talks me. I just dont understand; I’m not a sex addict; I think we had a good sex life before he left —probably average for couples who have been married this long—but I feel like I don’t know how much longer I can hold on without resorting to putting up my wall. (Which I’ve done and actually seems to draw him to want to be closer to me but makes me miserable.)

I won’t cheat—I’m not a cheater— and he is a good man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I find myself depressed which I don’t understand because after all these years you would think I’ve gotten used to this. I am in such a funk I don’t know what to do or how to get myself to snap out of it. Should I just accept what he can give me while he’s away?  I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it 3 more months at the rate were going.

I stay very busy at work and make sure I don’t put myself in any positions that could compromise my vulnerability and only hang out with female spouses who share the same committment as I do, but lately I find myself fantisizing about other people. (Not anyone in particular,  just someone who tells me he wants to rub his fingers through my hair or how nice it would be to make love until the sun comes up – when at my age 45, that’s stretching it.) I’m not going through menopause or a midlife crisis—already been there/done that—and I’m confused as to whether he is just bored with our relationship OR is in love with someone else…I know he loves me but I don’t feel like he’s in love with me anymore.  I would appreciate any help you can give to help this separation come to a happy ending.

Thanks,

April

Dear April,

Thanks for your question.

You almost talk about your husband as if you don’t know him that well, as if you have to play some game to get him to notice you. Why is that? You talk about putting up your wall, but that seems kind of rash. (Unless you suspect him of cheating. Do you? Has he given you a reason to wonder?) From our perspective he seems like he’s pretty good at communicating. He seems committed to you; he tells you he loves you everyday; he makes an effort. Maybe you’re not feeling the spark right at this moment, but that’s the way it is with long term relationships. The spark ebbs and flows. And distance tends to amplify every issue that comes up. If he were home, you may not even be thinking about this; but the fact that he’s away makes this seem like it’s a colossal problem. We don’t see it that way.

Has he ever been the kind of guy who feels comfortable getting intimate via phone, Skype, email, text? A lot of people aren’t. He sounds like one of those people. So why are you putting so much pressure on him to be a certain way? What’s really going on here April? Are you starting to question the foundation of your marriage? And what do you mean when you say you don’t know if you can make it 3 more months at the rate you’re going? We’re confused about that. What do you plan on doing?

Fantasies are normal. They are not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with your relationship. In fact, people who let themselves enjoy their fantasies, often have healthier and happier primary relationships. It’s about acceptance. Accept the fact that this is going on for you and relax about it. No, we’re not saying cheat. Turning fantasies into reality is a whole other ballgame. We’re not suggesting that in the least. We are suggesting that you need to try and accept how you feel right now, and not focus on what it means, but understand it’s part of a continuum. And that you’re in a dip right now understandably. (Your husband is away and you miss him, the intimacy, the sex, everything that comes with loving someone.) But also understand that in a few months you’re likely to be back in the flow, and then happier and more balanced.

In the meantime, snap out of it. If you really have issues to work through, you’ll work through them when your husband returns. For now, let yourself feel how you need to feel, but don’t give it greater meaning that what it is.

Please keep us posted on how you’re doing. And feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. We’d also love to hear your responses to some of our questions, so we can offer some more feedback.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it!

Other questions about long distance relationships and the military:

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

 

 

Did he cheat?; I’m not sure what’s right from wrong?

Dear Guys,

If you met someone in a random city and spent days together and nothing happened, then returned to living in separate countries but struck up an internet friendship that over two months led to a romantic rendezvous in a foreign city for one week which went amazing, then one month later you (the girl) goes to his city to see him,..then find he has been messaging with a fuck buddy of his two days prior to your arrival to come and take her clothes of at his house…is this a red flag?

The situation is so unique, but the reason I ask is that we had already talked about me coming to see him, and him coming to see me, and I am actually moving to his city soon..so was this cheating? Even though we had never defined anything and I was not exactly the most forth-coming?

He says he is 100% invested and that this was some sort of last hurrah, but I am worried that I’ll never get this out of my mind as some sort of betrayal, despite my liking him a lot..and understanding how this could have happened, given we have known each other only five months and spent 2 weeks together physically in total. But then again in that five months we chatted everyday.

BooBooBamBam

Dear BooBooBamBam,

Thanks for your question. An interesting situation indeed.

It’s very likely he’s telling the truth. That this was one last “hurrah” and that he’s 100% committed to you. That’s all well and good, but where does that leave you? That’s the question here. He didn’t technically cheat on you since the two of you never had the “are we exclusive” conversation, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t betray your unspoken emotional connection. And herein lies the problem.

If the roles were reversed a guy would have a hard time getting over this betrayal. But it wouldn’t be about some imagined emotional connection with some guy, it would be about the sex. He would say to his woman, “Why did you need to do that? Is he better than me? Is he bigger than me? Do you like the sex more with him? Am I not enough for you?” But we imagine for you it’s more about the bond he may have for this woman, and the fact that you’re not sure you can trust him.

We can reassure you that if guys are unattached they will try to get as much sex as they can, within reason of course. He probably thought to himself, “I might as well get one more taste before I commit myself to this person who I really care about.” But we don’t think it was anything more than that. (If that’s reassuring at all.) As far as trusting him again, you have to trust your gut on that. We can’t look into his heart and tell you what he’s thinking. You need to base that on his overall behavior and how he treats you and this relationship. Positives to look for: Is he a good communicator? Does he share his feelings? Does he listen to you? Does he try to solve problems with you? How does he treat other people? How is he with his friends/family? All of these things give you a sense of his true character, which will help you determine who he really is, and if you’ll be able to trust him in the future.

Our suggestion: If you really love this man, and truly believe this relationship has a chance, then talk to him about how you feel and try to work through this. If he makes it difficult well, then you’ll have your answer. If he’s contrite, and willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you then you know he’s really committed to you, and it could be worth exploring.

What do you think? How do you feel about this?

Leave us a comment below, and feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

THE GUYS

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Boyfriend’s going away to college; can it work?

Hey Guys,

I have known my boyfriend for a couple years now but I did not really get to know him until a couple months ago. We’ve been dating for a little over a month now and I really like him. We spend everyday together and are both really happy together. A month is not a long time but I’ve never had so many feelings for someone in such a short time. This summer, we plan to make the most of it. He is leaving to college which is a couple hours away while I’m back home finishing high school. When I brought up the situation of dating long distance he would usually say “I don’t like thinking about it, let’s just enjoy this summer..” But finally we talked about it and he said he wanted to do long distance.

Would it be worth it? I like him so much, and I would just hate to lose him. I know because of his financial situation I would only see him every couple of months.. Which, I know, would be hard for both of us. Both our families are involved in the relationship. How could I make it work? Should I even give it a shot? I don’t want to waste my time and be vulnerable.

Alana

Dear Alana,

Thanks for your question.

It can work if you’re both very committed to making it work. Since you’ve written to us we know you’ll be able to keep up your end of the relationship, but it will be harder for him. Not because he’s a guy, but because he’s entering a new chapter in his life and with that comes new ideas, new people, new situations, new places, new everything. To be in a relationship with you will definitely impact his experience, and a lot of people like to be completely free of all ties when they enter college, or any new experience for that matter.

However, he’s not saying that, and frankly, finding someone special doesn’t happen every day. Obviously he realizes this or he wouldn’t have said he wants to try doing a long distance relationship. This can work, but it won’t be easy for either of you. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth giving it a try. If you don’t give it a shot, you’re going to regret it even if you end up getting hurt, which is hard to predict.

The key is solid and regular communication. Now once again, this will be easier for you because your schedule will be set, and you’ll be doing what you’ve been doing for the last three years: going to high school. But his schedule will be all over the place. Right now he has no idea what to expect, so we imagine it will be harder for him at first. The two of you just need to keep working our your plan.

Questions to talk about:

How often will we talk? What time of day? Via phone? Skype? Text? Email?

Then of course you need to make sure you see each other as much as possible, which like you said won’t be very often. But let’s be clear, it’s worth the money, because the two of you will need regular reminders of why you’re putting in the work. You need to be with each other from time to time to connect on a physical level. (We don’t necessarily mean sex.) Just being with the other person is important.

Once again the key to making this work is communication. Everything should be discussed, and then revised, and then discussed again. You can make this work if both of you are on the same page, and choose to be in the relationship every day. But there are no guarantees; but then again there are no guarantees with any relationship. To be in a loving relationship is to be vulnerable.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. And consider a donation to THE GUYS. Use PayPal button on right of any page. Thanks!

Other questions about long distance relationships:

International Long Distance; is it possible?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

Soon to be husband cheated; what do I do?

Another question about dating a guy from a different country: 

International long distance relationship; is it possible? 

________________________________

Dear Guys,

I feel hopeless and ashamed to talk to my girlfriends so I need The Guys help…..

I have dated my current boyfriend for five years and eight months to be exact. I found out he cheated on me with over five prostitutes three years ago. He swore he wouldn’t do it again and since I was stupid and love him, I trusted him again. We’ve been doing a long distance relationship (because of work) since Aug 2009 (6 months after I found out he cheated) and we meet once a year for about three weeks usually.

I used to think we had a good long-distance relationship going even after he cheated because we talked on the phone a couple times a day. (Basically I know his routines and friends even though it’s long distance.)

I flew over and met him again last week, just to find out that he constantly has been visiting dating sites and still checking online postings for random sex. He said it was because he was lonely but he did not do anything. He says he was just curious to check out their pictures. He also has an interest in having intimacy with same sex. Sounds terrible heh…. but I can’t let go because I’ve been so emotionally attached to him. We plan to get married in August of next year and I plan on moving back to his country next January. I don’t know what to do… I feel hopeless. And maybe only you guys and God can help.

He said he would do anything to rebuild the trust (e.g. he would go to church with me, go to counseling, give me his bank account etc) But I feel that it’s really hard to trust him again. What should I do? If your advice is for me to leave him, please teach me how to let go……

Million thanks,
Kay

Dear Kay,

We’re really sorry you’re going through a difficult time. But please don’t feel ashamed. You’re not the first or the last to go through this kind of thing. Many people deal with trust issues in their relationships.

Long distance relationships are difficult and can put a strain on even the strongest of bonds. The fact that you only see each other three weeks out of the year, means there are more weeks than not, that the two of you are alone. We understand that he might have some physical needs, but if he truly was committed to you, he would figure out how to fulfill those needs without seeking out the company of other women, especially prostitutes. (That could be a health risk to you as well.)

Let’s take it a step further. What happens when the two of you get married, and let’s say you have a baby together? All of a sudden you’re busy, tired, and he’s not getting what he needs as often. Is he going to start hooking up with other women then? It’s a red-flag that when the going is tough he resorts to this kind of behavior. Because as you know, relationships have a lot of “ups” but they also have a lot of “downs.”

It’s clear that you love this man, but do you think you could trust him if the two of you got married? Because you’re going to be even more miserable if you get married and then realize you still can’t trust him. You don’t want to live your life constantly worried that your spouse is cheating on you, or that he might cheat on you.

So we advise you to think long and hard before you decide to get married to this man. We can’t and won’t tell you what you should do—only you can figure that out. But there are some important issues to figure out here. Think about what you want, and what you can handle, and then go from there.

So what do you think? Leave us a comment, and feel free to ask us a follow up question.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (Use PayPal button on any page of our site) Thanks!

 

International long distance relationship; Too many complications

Read for more info on this topic: International long distance; is it possible

Hello Guys,

I met this guy about four months ago on social networking site. At that time, I was just getting out of a year-long relationship and was not looking for anything serious. He was trying to figure out what to do with his ex-wife who can’t seem to make up her mind about him. Divorce is kind of new in their country. We both have sons from previous marriages. In our conversations, we also spoke about his mom (who was dying at that time). He asked me to visit his country after a month of talking. I agreed.

I was unprepared for who he really was when I met him. He turned out to be a very successful businessman who gave me such an awesome fairy-tale holiday. We were very couple-ish during my stay and he was doing everything above and beyond to please me. We both have this amazing connection to each other. But I was trying so hard to keep it casual because I had no idea where this was going.

I went back to my country and was convinced it was just a fling. (And a great one at that.) But then he continued to call me, message me, tell me he misses me. I was floored because there really isn’t anything else to do. We already had sex so I don’t know what else is there for us. But he said he’s happy with going with the flow. That’s all there is, as this is long distance. Neither would consider relocating to each other’s country.

But we continued to talk and solidify our bond. Until one day two months back, his ex-wife shows up along with their kid saying she wants him back. Again. She’s been doing that for the last six years since they divorced. Anyway, he calls me to explain everything. I was cool about it. In fact, I was wondering why he needed to call. We were just friends. He couldn’t kick her out as that would have customary and social implications in their country. I took the high road and walked away but never lost touch really. Mostly because he reaches out first.

Now we’re seeing each other for another holiday in Bangkok which he says is a gift and then he’s coming to visit my country. And I’m already at my wits end figuring out what he wants from me. Because with everything he’s done, he’s never said how he feels for me. As in zero. Nothing. I on the other hand have feelings for him.

Help!

Tash

Dear Tash,

Thanks for your question.

Considering the situation, and the fact that neither of you is willing to move, we’re not sure what you’re going to get out of this other than frustration. Throw in the fact that he operates under the control of his ex-wife—who may or may not become his wife again—we only see you falling neatly into the role of the “other woman.” Because if he’s back together with his ex-wife, then you are the person he’s having an affair with, which means he’s now cheating on her.

He’s definitely attracted to you and enjoys your company on many levels, otherwise he wouldn’t be trying to see you again. However, if you decide you want to be with him understand that this is not going to give you the fairy tale ending. He’s going to get his cake and eat it too, and you’re going to be an occasional fling he enjoys a few times a year. We only see you becoming more confused and more frustrated no matter how great the connection is, and no matter how wonderful your time is with him.

We’re not judging here we’re just stating the facts from an objective perspective. You need to decide if you’re okay with the parameters of the relationship and then make your decision whether to see him again.

Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us a follow up question. We’ll respond in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! You might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” 

 

 

I’m new to hooking up and I don’t know what to do

Dear Guys,

Okay, I’m that girl who really doesn’t date guys. I mean I usally don’t even flirt with guys I like, I’ve always been like this and I don’t know why! So here’s my problem. There’s this guy who I really like, but he’s moving soon. I don’t want anything serious, just kinda like a fling. I’ve moved things really fast because I’m ready to be “spontaneous.” Here’s the part I’m confused about. How do I tell him that I’m not looking for something serious? I’m not really experienced at these hook-up things—this would be my first time—and I’m not for sure what to do. Like, I just really want to get with this guy, but I’m stuck on how to ask if he wants the same thing. This guy is pretty used to dating tons of girls and I don’t want to seem completely ignorant when it comes to hook-ups.

Ciery

Dear Ciery,

Thanks for your question.

While we aren’t going to encourage you to hook up with this guy—mainly because hook ups in general aren’t the best way to go, and if he’s hooking up with lots of other girls it could pose a health risk to you— we will answer your question. First of all, since he’s moving soon, that automatically places whatever the two of you do into the “casual” category. What else could it be unless you were both ready to try a long distance relationship? You don’t mention your age, but we’re sensing you are younger, so being able to sustain that sort of long distant relationship is unlikely.

So per your question: How do you let him know you want to be with him? It won’t take much. A little flirting, a few subtle hints. If he’s interested, or attracted to you at all, that’s all it should take. Guys are pretty simple. And if a woman they are attracted to shows some sort of interest in dating or sex, it’s pretty much a done deal. Once again, we don’t want to encourage you to do something you’ll regret later, but it’s up to you.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

ps. You might enjoy our  “Relationship Memoirs”  page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” (Introduction) Read the entire first chapter. Enjoy!

Other questions to check out: 

Am I hot or not? 

Dating older guys: Video

High school dating to college long distance

International Long Distance: Is it possible?

Hi Guys,

This past year I’ve met the most amazing guy.  I was 18 (now 19) and he is 25. We met at work where he was an exchange student from Brasil, along with about 26 other students. We started talking and we exchanged numbers just after two days. Before the week was up we had gone for a date and had a great time with other friends until 4 in the morning. We decided to start dating but with the understanding we would not be in a long distance relationship once he left to go home.

We spent a perfect month together. Whenever I wasn’t busy with my extra load of classes (8) and both my full time and the part time job, I would go see him very late in the night or very early in the morning. We slept together a few times but only into the second half of the time. I was acceptedby the other internationals and we were a big family. Then one by one they left. He left and I went with him the whole way to the airport. We said good bye knowing it could be years until we saw eachother again if that.

With the exception of the day he was traveling we have texted eachother every day for the past two months. There’s isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think of him. He fully supported me in my career choices only worrying about the amount of sleep and food I was getting. And he left early because he had a federal job waiting for him at home. I don’t want to affect his career because I want him to succeed and we have talked about me coming to visit, but because of his work he would only have a few days to spend with me. He said that in two winters he will have a whole month off and seemed excited about a visit. We have skyped three times since he left. The first time was within a week of getting home and I talked to his dad who said that I would always have a home there,which astounded me. I told him I would be honored. The second time was for an hour just because we both had time and the third time was the day after my birthday in which I met his mother and sister in addition to his father. They seemed friendly towards me but because of the language barrier not much was said. We all had a good time though and it was very exciting.

Now it seems like he is less about the cute relationship stuff and now we just talk about general stuff and how we are doing. After flirting just a bit with him the other night I asked if it was okay or if I was crossing a line. He said I just don’t want you getting confused that we are just friends. I was told that in Brazilian culture it is normal for children to stay home till early 30s then start on there own. Is he just distancing himself from me for protection or does he really mean he just wants to be friends?  Because I feel like I’m getting mixed signals and I am being very patient as much as I can.  And would a trip sooner (with in a year) be a good or bad idea?

Thanks in advance.

Maddie

Dear Maddie,

Thanks for your question.

Meeting someone the way you met this guy has an element of fantasy to it. It’s like meeting a mysterious guy while vacationing in the tropics. The two of you spend a romantic few weeks together, away from the daily grind, and it seems like absolute bliss. It is absolute bliss. But when you both return to your respective lives all of a sudden reality sets in. Now it’s back to jobs, grocery shopping, old friends, familiar routines, and those wonderful memories recede to that place in your brain where the exciting moments in your life reside.

We’re not saying what you experienced wasn’t real. It certainly was for both of you. But now what’s happened is that you are trying to keep the moment alive and he’s resisting. He may be very fond of you—obviously he is or his parents wouldn’t be so kind to you—but he’s probably weighing all the possibilities in his mind and he’s not sure how this is going to play out.

Likely Pros in his mind:

1. He thinks you’re interesting and great.

2. He’s attracted to you.

3. He has a connection to you.

Likely cons in his mind:

1. You live in different countries.

2. You’re from different cultures.

3. He wants to get his career off the ground.

4. You’re younger and he’s not sure how he feels about that.

5. Will his family accept you completely?

6. Where will you live?

7. What will you do in the meantime? How often will you see each other?

8. What about all the beautiful Brazilian women? Should he be dating them?

9. The list goes on.

Now, just because the “con” list is longer doesn’t mean the “pro” list can’t win out. There’s a lot to be said for a strong connection between two people. But he needs to see that for himself. And you can’t convince him of that. But what you can do is try to arrange a time to see him. Sooner rather than later. We’re not telling you what to do, but he does need reminding of the great connection the two of you have. Skype and texting aren’t going to do it. And in these situations someone has to take the initiative. If he’s not going to do it, then you might have to. You just need to ask yourself what you’re willing to do to make this happen? The thing is, there’s nothing worse than regret. And it seems that if you don’t see this through to the end you might have regrets. That’s not a good thing.

But this is something you should discuss with your family if you can or close friends. Some questions to talk over: Should you visit him? Or should he visit you? Where will you stay? Will it be safe to go there? Why are you going? And what does he really think?

You see, if you go there even after him telling you that you’re just friends, you have to understand that you might be disappointed. But still, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You’ve got a lot to think about. Good luck.

Let us know if we can help in any other way. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. And check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. Read some great guest women writers. Thanks!

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

 

How do I break up with my boyfriend?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and we’ve been friends for almost ten years. I live in Georgia, he lives in Ohio. I pursued a relationship with him about four years ago, but broke up with him. Two years ago, we started dating again.

He is a great guy and seems perfect on paper, but for some reason something’s missing for me. We only see each other a few times a year, and last time we visited, I told him we should break up. But the next day he talked me out of it; I just couldn’t do it.

When we’re together I can’t bring myself to break it off with him, and we always have such a good time together. But when we’re apart I want to break it off with him so badly. He’s made it clear that he wants to marry me, even though I think he knows that he feels more strongly for me than I for him. If you were in his shoes, what would you want from me? Should I make a special trip up to Ohio just to break up? What on earth do I say?

And please, please tell me that he’ll be all right and this will be better for him than if I just stayed with him and hope that eventually I could develop the same feelings he has for me.

Tamerin

Dear Tamerin,

Thanks for your question.

So we’ll start with a hypothetical question for you. Can a person grow to love someone? The answer is yes and no. Because we believe there is a difference between loving someone and being “in love.” Being “in love” is something undefinable, a chemical reaction, an aligning of the stars. Truly loving someone takes time, and grows from mutual respect and admiration. Some people need to feel “in love” with their partner in order to be with them, and some people are happy enough just loving someone and being loved. (As an aside, there was a recent article in Psychology Today that you might find interesting. Are you with the right mate?  )

So the more pertinent question Tamerin is: What do you need? Because this is what it comes down to. Not what some book or magazine says. Or your friends. Or your family. Or this guy. You need to be honest with yourself and decide what it is that you want out of your relationship and the man you’re choosing to be with.

It sounds like you’re conflicted, or maybe you’re only conflicted out of guilt. Either way, you need to be honest with yourself and then be honest with him. Don’t stay with someone out of guilt or charity. Eventually they will become resentful of you. Maybe he realizes he feels more strongly toward you than you do for him, and for now he’s okay with that. But honestly this is a red-flag. If he’s willing to accept this imbalance of power it’s likely he has low self-esteem.

This breakup probably deserves to be done face-to-face, but if you’ve already tried that and failed, then we think it’s 0kay—although not ideal—to do it via phone. Either way he’ll probably want to come see you and try to talk you out of it. But you need to be strong. No use dragging this out. You asked what we’d want. Well, we’d want to know the truth. So we could get on with healing.

Will he be alright? We know you care about him, but he’s an adult. He should be able to take care of himself. And you trying to soften the blow is only going to make this harder on him. Once you decide what you want to do, do it immediately. If he wants an audience we think he deserves that, but not if he’s going to try and delay the inevitable. It all needs to happen now so you both can move on with your lives.

We wish you all the best. Good luck.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And please keep us posted as this progresses.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy some of our guest writers.

Other Questions about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do the long distance dance? 

I didn’t want the divorce; how do I get him back?

This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

How do I keep him interested while he’s away?

Dear Guys,

Where do I begin?

I met this guy when he was dating a friend (not a close friend) about 5 years ago. We hit it off right away, but only as friends. About a year into their relationship she cheated on him for the first time. (My friend has a horrible cheating record and we all knew it would happen at some point.) This guy and I talked, connected, and shared a kiss. We both knew it was wrong and I told him to give her another chance, and he did. I was beginning to have feelings for him, but never pursued him because of the circumstances.

Fast forward a couple of years. The two broke up for good this time and he moved back to his hometown, which is five hours away. We kept in touch as friends over the years. Talking for a few hours every 5-6 months. I got in a relationship (which I’m trying to end amicably but I haven’t been happy for months..) and time moved on.

Now up to date: He was having a going away party because he was leaving for the army.  At the party, most people were wasted so we got to hang out and talk the whole night. He was being very flirty with me, brought up old times, and kept putting his arm around me. I got a little drunk and told him how I’ve always had slight feelings for him. He told me that he has too and he kissed me again. We stayed up all night talking and kissing. I was a little skeptical that maybe he just wanted to get some before leaving for basic. However, he was a gentleman and didn’t try to sleep with me.

Ever since the party, we’ve been texting. Not daily, but enough. He has said, “It really blows that we’re just now getting back in touch. Timing was never our thing.” And “We’ll write eachother and see what happens.” He leaves for basic tomorrow and we talked on the phone for about an hour tonight.

I guess what I’m asking is, how do I keep him interested in me from a distance? Am I reading too much into this? We’re not dating by any means, but I don’t want to lose that opportunity. I can’t stop thinking about him, but I don’t want to come on too strong. I’ve been in a relationship for the past three years and I don’t really know how to do this anymore, especially when it’s someone who is far away with no phone/internet, and someone I don’t COMPLETELY know. Am I in over my head? Thanks for reading my dumb girl ramblings.

Jenn

Dear Jenn,

Thanks for your question. By no means do we think these are the ramblings of a “dumb girl.” We get it.

First of all, the fact that he once dated your friend has no bearing on this. That was in the past and if she has a problem with it she needs to get over it. It doesn’t sound like you’re worried about that too much but we just thought we’d throw it out there.

We’ve always felt there was something special about a written letter. It certainly is much more intimate than an email or a text. Remember, that’s how our parents and grandparents kept in touch, the golden age of correspondence. And it will give you an opportunity to add a personal touch every time you reach out to him. (Also an opportunity to possibly send small gifts, tokens, little things to remind him of home AND you.)

The other thing you have going for you is that he’s going to be very busy with basic training and he’s not going to be out at the bars every night hitting on other girls. He just won’t have the time, or the energy.

For now the best thing to do is try to keep the connection and energy alive, but let him be the one to get things going. Let him be the one to initiate. Believe us, if he’s really interested—which we think he is–he will want to keep this going. So really you don’t need to do anything but be yourself and trust your gut. Things will become clearer as this unfolds and you start corresponding.

Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question and please keep us posted as this progresses. And have fun!

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about military relationships: 

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

Not sure about my long distance crush; do guys like tall, educated girls?

Dear Guys,

Recently, I was visiting one of my friends  a few states away for a couple weeks and while I was there I was introduced to a guy, “Charlie,” who is good friends with the family I was visiting (I’m 18, he’s 22). We didn’t really hit it off at first and would argue and bicker. I heard him say that he never wanted to get married, have kids, or even be in a relationship. But after getting to know each other a little better, we started getting along, and even flirting. In talking with him he told me about his parents’ divorce, his rocky relationship with his mom, etc. I felt like we had a really good connection and so did my friend’s mom. (She said he hardly ever opens up to anybody).

So I have a major crush on this guy because I really felt like I could be myself with him and, to be honest, was flattered that he opened up to me. (Plus he’s very good looking). Although he never told me himself, but a few of our mutual friends said that he really liked me. And I thought this might have been true because of a few things he said. For example: I was trying on a ring that was too small (stupid idea!) and it got stuck on my ring finger. So I kept getting asked if I was engaged, etc. Someone asked me if I was married—in front of Charlie—and he put his arm around me and said that we were. (Jokingly, of course). He would also sit really close to me whenever we were watching movies, etc. And he got his phone fixed (which it hadn’t been for months) the week I left (coincidence? I don’t know….). And was a little upset when he found out I don’t have a cell.

But we aren’t keeping in touch now that I’m back home. I didn’t really expect that we would considering he’s not a chatty keep in touch kind of person. Anyways, I have a few questions for you regarding this and guys in general.

Question 1: I am seeing him again in a few months when I go back down to visit my friend. I would really like to continue at least a friendship at this point. How hard is it for a guy with this kind of background (divorce, no relationship with his mom) to be in a relationship with a girl? Is there anything I should avoid saying?

Question 2: Do guys like girls who are tall (I’m 5′ 11″)?

Question 3: Do guys like girls who are educated? I’m almost done with college and sometimes I feel like it might be a little intimidating.

I think that’s it for now… Hopefully this isn’t too confusing. I LOVE your advice! It’s always so spot on. Thank you in advance (=

Lanna

Dear Lanna,

Thanks for your question. Here are our answers to your particular questions.

Question 1: You should be yourself. That’s always the most attractive quality in any person. And you seem like a pretty intuitive person, so if you bring up something that changes the tone of the conversation or makes him feel uncomfortable just casually change the subject. Just because he comes from a family of divorce doesn’t mean he’s incapable of having a happy marriage. Sure it’s going to color his view on marriage and make him a bit skeptical or wary, but if he’s smart, he’ll realize he’s in charge of his own destiny. The same holds true for his relationship with his mother. We don’t know why he doesn’t communicate with her, but it’s likely he blames her for the divorce. Once again, that doesn’t mean he will blame you for any problems you might have if you do begin a relationship. People are absolutely shaped by their environment, but they are still individuals. And it’s what people choose to do with their experiences that really tells you what kind of person they are. Some people make excuses their whole lives for why they aren’t able to do this or that, and others face their demons/challenges/whatever and try to overcome them. (We realize there are many degrees to this, but we’re just saying.)

Question 2: It’s not about height. Sure, some tall women might be intimidating to some guys, but for the confident guy it’s no big deal. And frankly, some guys LOVE taller women. For most guys it’s a matter of proportions. Is everything kind of in the “right” place? (This varies with each person of course.) And we use quotes for “right” because every shape and size is beautiful to some guy.

Question 3: If he’s intimidated by your education then he’s not right for you. (We’re assuming he isn’t college educated.) Once again, be yourself. Whoever you’re in a relationship with should love the fact that you’re smart and educated, as long as you don’t lord it over them, which we know you won’t. But don’t dumb yourself down to make some insecure guy feel better. That’s not the way to go, and if you do that, eventually you’ll be resentful. And you also don’t want some guy holding you back with your career. (If that’s what you want.)

To sum up: You want a guy who is supportive, accepting, loving, kind, honest, and solid. And if he’s good looking too, that’s icing on the cake!

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

 

Why did he cry when he’s the one breaking up?

Other Questions about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do the long distance dance? 

I didn’t want the divorce; how do I get him back?

This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

__________________________

Dear Guys,

I met this guy a year ago on a business event. However, we live in different countries about three hours flight away. But since he traveled to my country for work occasionally, I would see him. He spent almost seven months pursuing me. (He flew to my country to spend his birthday with me. And last Sept he flew in again to celebrate my birthday. I was touched).

For those seven months he flew almost every two weeks to visit me, or if I was in nearby cities for business trips he would fly there to see me. I would say I was happy being with him and he doted on me. We had a great time together every time we met.

However things started to change when he was facing some issues in his career. Many things happened in his company and he became very stressed. Then he was away for two months from last December, but he flew to see me before his long trip of visiting his family in Xmas and work meetings in the US. During his absence he kept in contact with me every day by text messages, sending me pics, or calling me sometimes. I completely left him alone to enjoy his free time and holiday. It was mostly him contacting me every day.

Two weeks ago he finished his trip and he flew to see me immediately. When I saw him I noticed he was not happy. We then had a conversation and he told me all his issues about work and why is he stressed. He cannot find any satisfaction in his current career anymore and he may have a chance to move to other company. He’s totally lost. The first time I saw all the sorrows on his face I tried to comfort him. Then suddenly he told me he would like to be alone that night and it was fine with me as I understood he wasn’t in any romantic mood; I left him alone.

Next day we met for lunch and I felt something was wrong. I was right. Out of the blue he told me that he can’t be in a relationship now. He said he’s not in any romantic mood and it’s unfair for him to drag me into this as he wants me to be happy. I didn’t say anything as I tried to be calm and listen to his concerns. Then he started to cry. He said his biggest concern is causing me to be unhappy. He said he feels sick and his stomach hurts thinking of that. He told me how incredible and beautiful I am and he said he is not happy with himself and he won’t be able to make me happy. And he wants me to be happy. He said I deserve happiness which he is lacking it right now. He needs to figure out his work situation.

I was very calm and of course I cried too when I saw him cry. But he cried more than I did. Then we had a very long conversation, not about our relationship but instead about his own issues and what makes him unhappy in general. I was very patient and attentive. He told me everything and was very open and honest with me. He then said he feel much better after our chat and he appreciated very much my help and understanding. He said he doesn’t want to lose me in his life as a friend and asked me if I was planning on disappearing from his life. I told him I will be here to support him. (I didn’t tell him regardless how hard it is to me as my heart aches, but how can I say no to him?)

Guys, why does he want to break up with me when it’s clearly difficult and hurts himself and me? Why doesn’t he want me to go through this difficult time with him instead of letting me go? I would love to share his ups and downs and I want to be next to him and support him. I understand he doesn’t know where is he going in the future, but distance never seemed to be an issue for us from the very beginning.

What do you guys think I should do and what’s the possibility of both of us getting back together? I have not been in contact with him since that day because I know space is what he needs right now. I would appreciate it if you can give me some insights to what’s going on. My heart aches but I am leaving him alone for good….

Thanks guys,

Evol

Dear Evol,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry your heart is aching so much right now. It sounds like this guy really cares about you, which is why he was crying even though he was breaking up. We’ll try and explain.

In general, a guy’s ego is closely linked to his career. And even though these days some men are choosing to spend more time at home with their kids, most men still connect their self-worth with their ability to provide, which means their job is very important to them. So, when your guy says he’s lost and doesn’t want to drag you into it, he’s not lying. He definitely seems like the kind of guy that needs to have all his ducks in a row when it comes to his job.

If you were  going through a career crisis you might look to your friends, your family, and your boyfriend to support you. But most guys handle this type of situation differently than women. They isolate themselves and try to figure it out on their own. They either feel guilty because they no longer are bringing home the type of money they were, angry because they were mistreated at work, or worthless because they don’t know what to do. And some guys feel all of the above. Your guy doesn’t want to lean on you because he doesn’t want to show weakness to you. He wants you to think of him as strong and successful. We know you don’t care about all of that and you love him how he is, but that doesn’t change the way he feels inside.

The best that you can do right now is be a sounding board if he calls you and wants to talk. Let him know that you will support him if he needs support. But pushing the relationship right now might not be the best plan. He wants space.

However, having said all that, the way he’s handled this should at least make you pause and question how reliable he might be in a long term relationship. Even if he comes back after he solves his current career situation, can you really trust a guy that breaks up with you when the going gets tough? Yes, guys like to isolate themselves to solve problems but that doesn’t mean they actually break up with their woman. That poses another question. What’s the real reason for the break up? Is it because of his job situation or is it something else? That’s the question you need to figure out. Unfortunately you’re going to have to wait for a bit before you get that answer.

We do think at some point he’s going to want to talk about everything, and explain more about what’s been going on with him. And that would be a good time for you to tell him how you’ve been feeling and what you need from him as a partner. Remember, your relationship should be a two way street where you’re both giving and both receiving.

We hope this works out for you. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond in comments section as well.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

Long distance “friends” or something more?

Visit our Video Page. Watch our latest: Friends with Benefits

Dear Guys,

So I have been friends with this guy for eleven years; we actually went out on one date right before he told me he was moving to the US for work. He also told me he would be back in a year or two. Eleven years later, he is still there.

Well after he left we chatted over email for a bit. But then as time went on I met my now ex (after 8 years) and he was dating other girls and we both lived our lives.

We have always stayed in contact, making plans to get together when he visited home. He would also ask me to come visit. But we actually never, ever met up at all over the eleven years. That is until this Xmas. He and I finally met up for the first time we were both single.

We get along really well, and find each other very attractive. And we slept together for the first time during his visit. As he put it, “It took eleven years for things to align.”

Now that he is back in the US I think about him constantly; it’s a problem :) Since I’ve had a crush on him for eleven years and now I finally got a taste of what it would be like, he’s all I want. We still chat via text/email and sometimes dirty texts are exchanged. But I’m too shy to actually make a move and go see him in case he thinks we are just friends. And I’m too shy to go out on a limb and ask him to be with me. No one wants to be rejected.

How do you take a friendship to the next level when they are so far away?

And is it okay to be the one to make a move? Should that be the guy’s job??

:)

Sandra

Dear Sandra,

Thanks for your question.

Ideally it would be the guy’s “job” to take the initiative and move your relationship to the next level. But he’s not doing that, at least not yet. But the two of you are communicating a lot right? So it seems that he’s willing to put some time into keeping the lines open, so that’s a positive.

The question we have for you is, didn’t you already sleep with him? And if so, that definitely catapults you from just friends to something else. What that “something else” is, is not clear, but it’s definitely not just friends or “Friends with Benefits.”

“Friends with Benefits” is an arrangement of convenience. It’s an arrangement that’s easy, with no strings attached. Your situation is anything but convenient, and it’s anything but easy. And a mutual crush for eleven years or longer is not something you should underestimate. That’s a long time to be thinking of someone. Sure some of those feelings may fall into the fantasy realm, but it’s way too soon to think he doesn’t want to explore any further.

Another reason he might be dragging his feet is because you live in two different countries. It would be a huge deal for you to move, or for him to move. But the fact is, in order for you to really know whether you have something special the two of you need to spend much more time together. So maybe it’s time for you to take a deep breath, put aside your shyness, and just go for it.

The only way to take this relationship to the next level is by talking about what you really want, or what you potentially might really want. We think it’s okay to tell him all of this because you’ve known him for so long and have had this mutual attraction for so long. It’s not like you just met in a bar one weekend and then he moved to a different country. The two of you have some sort of history together which gives your situation more potential.

Why don’t you “slow play” this for another month or so, and then in late March/early April, if he hasn’t suggested a visit, or talked about the relationship, bring it up yourself. Yes, Sandra, being rejected frankly stinks. But we still think it’s better to have some sort of information rather than wonder what’s going on. And it is possible that he’ll be relieved that you brought it up because he could be as nervous and scared as you, and fear being rejected as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

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Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

___________________________________

Dear Guys,

So my boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year now. We love each other and we both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. But our families don’t believe that our relationship will hang on through college. I’m going to college to be a teacher after my senior year next year, but he’s going to college to be a doctor next year. We probably won’t get into the same college, so I’m afraid that being in different schools for so many years will be really hard.

Do you have any advice for us?

Grace

Dear Grace, 

Thanks for your question.

Your family members are offering their opinions based on percentages, not necessarily because they don’t approve of your relationship. The fact is, most high school relationships don’t last. That doesn’t mean they can’t, it’s just that most people don’t marry their high school sweetheart. Why? Because it’s difficult two keep two people focused, committed, and on the same page, as they traverse through life and gain new experiences. But it’s not impossible.

The first step is commitment. Both you and your boyfriend need to be completely committed to one another. Being at the same school, or in the same town, makes it relatively easy. You see each other every day and you’re constantly affirming your love for each other. But when one person moves away it’s sometimes easy to forget what a great thing you left behind, especially when life is full of interesting new distractions: intense studies, new friends, and beautiful co-eds. These kinds of distractions can easily disrupt even the most seasoned person’s focus and commitment. But for a young person, living on their own for the first time, it’s even more difficult.

So Grace, here are some suggestions to help you keep the connection strong while the two of you are at different colleges. These are not set in stone because life doesn’t always follow a straight and narrow path, but these will help you cover a few important bases.

First: You need to have a discussion BEFORE he leaves on how, and how often, the two of you will communicate. Will it be by phone? By text? Email? IM? And, will you “talk” every day, every other day, once a week? And for how long? And at what times of the day? If the two of you are at different colleges that means your schedules will no longer be in sync. So when will you talk? There will be many times when one of you will be busy with some project or social commitment, etc. How will you handle that? How will the two of you compromise and work this out?

Second: You need to talk about how often you’ll visit. Who will visit whom? Will you alternate visits? And who will pay for plane flights, etc.? You might think this is too basic to even discuss but from our experience the minutia matters. It’s better to discuss something ad nauseum, than be dealt with some surprise you’re not prepared for.

Third: You both need to express your commitment and love for each other often. You won’t be able to rely on touch or proximity when communicating how you feel about one another. So you’ll be forced to communicate verbally or by words on a screen. It won’t be the time to hold back. Be expressive. In order for both of you to feel secure, you both need reassure one another daily about your commitment.

Finally: It’s all about trust Grace. Distance is good at boring holes in the foundation of a relationship. It can cause even the most caring of partners to wonder what’s really going on? But if the two of you work on the relationship daily, and pay attention to how you communicate, the distance shouldn’t crumble your foundation.

We certainly hope this works out for both of you. Sure, life is full of distractions, but if the two of you really love and trust one another, it is possible to make it work.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And give us some love on Twitter. Thanks! @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

 

 

Long distance false start: Can I get it going again?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Readers: Scroll to bottom of post for more questions about Long Distance Relationships.

__________________________

Hi Guys,

I met an amazing man on a vacation last March.  He was very clearly smitten with me. And although we live far away from each other, he seemed really interested in pursuing a relationship following the vacation. We texted and called each other several times a day for several weeks following the trip and talked about future trips we’d like to plan together.

At first it was platonic, because I had not yet ended my long term, yet failing relationship, back home. But, when I felt myself really falling for this new guy, I felt both elated and guilty. I felt sure I’d met a man I could spend the rest of my life with. He was kind and inclusive and interested and shared deep feelings with me. He talked about what life would be like if we were in it for the long term. Mutual friends from the vacation felt sure that I could have him if I wanted him. But, I also wanted to be honorable and kind to my old boyfriend and settle things with him before moving into something new. When I was honest about this, the new guy was at first very understanding, but as I took a few weeks to settle with my ex, my new guy became discouraged and decided we should just be friends, and he opted to date someone local instead.

A mutual friend says that new guy was incredibly into me, but he couldn’t see it working because I was still involved with my ex and then he talked himself out of it due to the long-distance. About a month later, new guy contacted me again and told me that he wasn’t that into his new girl. He said he felt comfortable with her, but that she wasn’t very exciting and staying with her might be like settling. Perhaps he was feeling out my situation. He invited me to travel with him. I was not available to travel at the time but I told him how happy I was to hear from him. But, I’ve hardly heard from him since.

He’s still with the other girl. What happened? Has he decided to just settle with her? Has their relationship grown close? What now? Do I contact him to declare my feelings? Do I just try to occasionally communicate as friends and hope that he’ll take the initiative again some day? Do I cut him off entirely so I don’t feel tortured anymore?  The problem is that I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life.  My feelings were so strong for him and his for me during those first few weeks. So strong that I can’t get him out of my mind and I don’t want to forget about him.  What should I do?

Mia

Dear Mia,

Thanks for your question.

It seems to us that this guy’s uncertainty stems from your situation with your ex-boyfriend, not because he’s not into you. And while we very much respect how you handled breaking up with your ex it’s now time to reach out to this new guy. If you really like him as much as you say you do why are you making him work so hard? And when he contacted you again, why wouldn’t you offer him some other possibility to get together even if you couldn’t travel at the time? Now what is he supposed to think? So the ball is clearly in your court. You’ve got to be the one to take the initiative.

Remember Mia, the nature of this situation is very tenuous. You met on vacation. And as you know vacations always have an element of fantasy to them. Not only do you travel to a new place, but in some ways you travel away from yourself. Often when you meet someone in that setting it can get intense quickly. But when people return to their daily lives that’s when doubts and insecurities can start developing. (They did for him) So yes, he might have been understanding at first, and probably respected you for being honorable with your boyfriend, but a man can only take so much, especially if he’s only known you for a week. And so we imagine he started questioning himself. “Do I really know this woman? What am I doing? Was this something I just made up in my head? Maybe she’s not as into me as I’m into her?”

But you ask, “Why is he dating this other girl?” Unfortunately it’s for comfort, which isn’t great for her. But this guy has convinced himself that the situation with you–the girl of his dreams possibly—isn’t going to work, so he’s seeking solace in another woman’s arms or bed. And while we don’t condone taking advantage of another woman we completely understand why he’s doing it. And probably there’s an element of ‘well she did it so I’m going to as well’ going on.

So to answer your question, yes, you can get this going again. But the ball is in your court. And frankly what do you have to lose by telling him how you feel? Life is full of risks, but putting your heart on the line for love seems well worth it. If it doesn’t work out at least you’ll have no regrets. And if it does, well you know better than we do how that will feel.

Be strong and just go for it.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. In person, on Twitter, on Facebook. Thanks. And consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

 

He speaks in facts, she in emotions: Studying abroad; should I break up or do long distance?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

_______________________________

Dear Guys,

I am 25 years old and my girlfriend is 24. We’ve been dating for exactly one year, though we had been friends for two years before that. She is my first serious girlfriend. Before her I had only flings. I love her very much and I’m sure she feels the same way. We see each other almost every day; we’re best friend and have complete physical intimacy. In this year we’ve been through some fights. Two of them were pretty serious and we almost broke up. The reasons for these fights were always very silly (for me) and I managed to convince her of that and avoid breaking up. We agreed that the reasons for all of our fights were lame compared to the love we feel for each other and made a pact for being more tolerant and reasonable. Since then we didn’t fight anymore and the relashionship is at its best.

I’m an engineering graduate and currently have an excelent job that pays me well. But the firm I work for is going to be sold in a couple of months and I will have to keep working for them for one more year. After that I will leave the company. I thought this was a good opportunity to accomplish one of my goals in life that is to get a good MBA degree. To do so I will have to go abroad for one year. I would love if she could come with me but she still has two years to complete college.

She overheard my conversation with a friend about my MBA plans and asked me if I intended to go abroad. I told her the truth: yes, I want to go but only in September 2013. That’s a year and a half from now, more than twice the duration of our relationship. I proposed to her that we keep dating during this period and break up only when I leave. From then on we live our lives separately and that includes meeting other people. My intention is to get back together when I come back from the MBA.

She, on the other hand, thinks differently. She said she prefers to break up right now even even though she would suffer a lot since she loves me very much. But when she overcomes the suffering she would be free to find another man and not “waste her time investing in a relationship destined to end.” She doesn’t think we will get back together when I come back nor that she could bear thinking of me dating other girls while I’m away.

I don’t want to break up right now mainly for three reasons:

-       Living in the same city we would bump with each other all the time and know about each other’s lives, making it much harder to forget. If we wait until I go, the distance will make being apart easier.

-       During the period that I’m still here we can have a great time together. We’re talking about one and a half years. Almost twice the time we’ve been together. The bond created in this period will be strong enough to survive the year apart. (I think)

-       I think in my heart that we will get back together when I come back. (I know one year is a long time and I will gain lots of experience and may change my mind. And that’s what she’s afraid of.)

Well, I would be glad if you guys could help me out. Am I missing something? How can I convince her of staying together until I go?

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your question.

How do we say this nicely? Yes, you are missing something. Actually you’re missing everything on this one. And this is a classic example of the different ways men and women think.

You’re giving her facts and she wants emotions. She wants you to tell her that you love her so much that you’ll do anything to make it work, even if you have to go away for a year. She wants you to reassure her that nothing will come between the two of you, even if you’re far away. She wants you to be strong and tell her it’s all going to work out. (Sure, ultimately she doesn’t want you to go, but she might come around if you sang a different tune with her.)

But you’re not doing any of that. You’re treating the relationship like it’s a business. This is what she’s hearing from you: “In a year and a half, we’ll dissolve the company and split the earnings 50/50, and then maybe we’ll put the company back together when I get back.” So why would she want to stick around, knowing that in the near future the two of you will be breaking up? Women don’t work that way.

From your point of view, you see only benefits from having this sort of arrangement. And we understand. Having a wonderful woman to hang out with, go on dates with, and have sex with is a great thing. And when you combine that with a fulfilling career it’s a great combination. But once again, she doesn’t give a (blank) about any of that.

But having said all of this Thomas we do understand where you’re coming from. It seems like you might really love this woman but you just want to be 100% sure. And you don’t want to give up your career aspirations quite yet in order to have her. And guess what? We totally get it. You’re young, and it’s okay to put your needs first, and frankly you probably should, because if you’re feeling this strongly about pursuing school and furthering your career, you’ll probably be quite resentful later in life if your plans were to be derailed by this relationship. And the fact that she’s your first serious girlfriend makes us think you’d like to explore more in that department as well.

But it all comes down to timing doesn’t it? When people say “love conquers all” they are forgetting to factor in the all important “timing” variable. And this is what we’re seeing here. The timing is a bit off. But unfortunately Thomas you can’t have it both ways. She’s probably isn’t going to want to wait around while you figure this all out. (Although see below for the one caveat.) So you either need to stay with her, and see if you can give a long distance relationship a chance, or break up. (And please don’t make promises to do a long distance relationship but then break up with her just as you’re leaving. That would only perpetuate some women’s perceptions that guys are not to be trusted, which is not true.)

So Thomas, please stop treating this like a business decision and really start having some heartfelt conversations with the woman you love. And we’ll let you in on a little secret. (Our caveat) If you’re honest, and treat her with respect and love, even if you do break up now, and you go away for awhile, it’s likely if she’s still single, her heart will still be open to you. However, if you continue treating her like she’s a business partner you won’t ever have another chance with her.

We wish you the best in figuring all of this out. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And we’d love to hear what you think about all of this. And what you ultimately end up doing. Keep us posted. We’ll respond in the comments section as well.

(And readers: Please comment as well. We love a great discussion!)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

 

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

 

 

Wooing at a distance

Dear Guys,

So long distance relationships are hard. I know that. What I’m asking about is something even harder— that is, trying to pique an interest from someone who you live far away from. I’m prepared to do what it takes, and I’m committed to going through with this, but I could do with some advice on how to approach the situation.

OK, some background: This girl was a childhood friend of mine, but about a decade ago she moved interstate. Strange as it may sound, from missing her then, I developed feelings for her.

Three years ago, I got to see her again, when we visited her family—we were family friends before they moved—and this confirmed how I felt. We got along well, and ended up staying in touch, though not all that frequently, as she’s a busy person. Anyway, telling her how I felt seemed premature—I figured it would make her uncomortable and only make things worse— so I tried to concentrate on becoming closer as friends and improving communication first. I had written a letter about this to send to her when I found out she now had a boyfriend.

That was just over a year ago, and I didn’t end up sending that letter. Anyway, it may not have been a good idea, but I told her I had feelings for her, and that I realized nothing could come of them given those circumstances but after being afraid of how she might react I realized I just wanted her to know. She actually reacted quite graciously, saying she appreciated my honesty and that she was more than happy to pursue a relationship as friends. Anyway, that went quite well, considering.

Almost two months ago she broke up with her boyfriend; on good terms(relatively speaking) from what I can tell. I waited a month, then told her that I was sorry she had to go through that and let her know that I was still interested, though I just wanted to be friends for the time being. She replied two weeks later, shortly after I asked whether she was busy or if something was wrong, as I’d tried to talk to her when I saw her online. She’d just been really busy, and said she wasn’t interested in entering a relationship for a long time. I apologized for any misconceptions and assured her that I was more than happy to just be friends for however long she needed, but that didn’t mean I was giving up on her.

This was almost a month ago, and she hasn’t replied since, which is starting to seem a bit long, even considering her busy life. Anyway, I’ve decided to wait a while longer, and in another month’s time I’ll message her if she still hasn’t replied. I expect you Guys will have had the time to answer this by then, and any advice on what I should and/or shouldn’t say is welcome. I’d also like to have an idea of how to continue from there: if at all possible. Any suggestions of a way I can get closer to her without crossing boundaries would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Zac

Dear Zac,

Thanks for your question.

Consistent communication from both parties is the key to a successful long distance relationship. But issues often arise because every person is different when it comes to how this actually “looks.” One person might need to talk every day to feel secure and connected, while the other person only wants to talk once a week. This usually causes one person to be upset and the other annoyed. From there, cracks start to appear in the foundation of the relationship, then insecurities grow, doubt looms and then a break up. Unless of course both people are very committed to making it work.

But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

From your note one question keeps jumping out at us. Are you sure this woman is interested in you romantically? Based on her sporadic communication, excuses about being busy, and her declaration that she is open to being friends with you, this doesn’t seem like a woman who wants a romantic relationship. What do you think?

To us this seems like your biggest challenge. Because it is possible to woo someone long distance as long as they are interested in some way. If this woman only sees you as a friend, it won’t matter what you do; your advances will fall flat and only make things more and more uncomfortable between the two of you.

Zac, we do believe in going for what you want. And we encourage you to try. But we’re not getting a solid vibe from her. (At least from what you say.) But if you really would like to explore this you need to be direct with her. Sending her gifts, or trying to be funny on some social networking site, or showing her how creative you are by writing a song or making a movie or whatever, is only going to creep her out, especially if she’s unsure about you.

Of course you don’t want to scare her away and tell her you love her either. We think the only way you’re going to be able to woo her is if you actually get together with her first, to remind her how cool of a guy you are. Because right now she’s not viewing you as a potential boyfriend, but more of a family friend.

So is there a way you could just be passing through her town? Or take a trip with a buddy—not your parents—and visit? Or is there a concert or some other event that could give you an excuse to not only visit where she lives, but invite her to as well?

We think this situation needs a jumpstart, and the best way to do that is face-to-face. If that goes well, then you’ll be able to figure out the long distance piece because she’ll then be open to it.

Leave us a comment and/or follow up question in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And let us know how this plays out. We hope it works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

 

Readers,

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

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Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

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He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

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Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Should I start an affair?

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated

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Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I went to one of my friend’s weddings which was held five hours away from where I live. While there I met a guy who was my age. We hit it off and had a lot in common and sparks started to fly. This all happened in January of this year.

I had drove to visit him 10+ times and he came to visit me. I went to wedding with him, introduced him to my family/friends and met his family/friends; everything was perfect.

After several months of talking we decided to date long distance. We knew it wouldn’t be easy but we gave it a go anyway. I started getting a little suspicious when he wouldn’t add me on Facebook and he would always have a password set on his phone—not like I’d go through it anyway. But it all didn’t add up.

One day while I was visiting, he was at work and I wanted to be cute and write on his calendar. (He had a whole bunch of permanent markers in a cubby on his night stand so I grabbed one and there happened to be a sticky note stuck to one of them.) So of course I read it and it was from a girl telling him she loved him and had an amazing time with him. However, there was no date so it could have been old. I decided to ask him about it and he got all defensive and we got into an argument which didn’t make matters any better.

So automatically that gave me some trust issues with him. My friend found out through her friend that my guy was going to all these bars and all these girls were commenting on his page on Facebook. Which wasn’t a big deal really, but he would lie to me about where he was if I happened to call. He would say his phone died or he was just hanging at a friend’s house when really he was out at the bars. Then to top things off my friend Googled his name and found him posting on this chat message board trying to pick up girls two days before one of my trips to see him.

I haven’t seen him since October 2nd and on the 7th of this month he told me maybe we should end things because I deserve better and all of that. So I got upset and blocked him and we haven’t spoken since. I know he has screwed me over and I’ve been completely faithful and honest but I miss him. I had plans to move there to be with him and everything and now it’s all gone. January of 2012 will mark our one year and it’s hard to think about.

What should I do?  Do you think he will come back?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a tough time.

Distance and time can often distort perception. You haven’t seen this guy since October so of course you’re missing him terribly. Yes, you might remember that he cheated on you, but the painful feelings associated with that memory have faded, replaced by memories of the good times you had with him. We’ve all been there.

If you get back together with him ask yourself if things would be different. Do you think you can trust him again? Do you think he will be responsible with that trust? Do you believe when he’s out in the world he’ll be saying to himself ‘How would Ashley feel if I did this’? Because in order to make this work, or any trusting relationship to work, the answer to all those questions must be a definitive YES. Because doubt breeds insecurity, which leads to resentment, and eventually disillusion.

We can’t say whether he’ll come back. The larger question is, should you take him back if he does come back?

People can change, but often it takes time, usually littered with broken relationships along the way before the person finally has an epiphany and realizes they need to fundamentally change. This also must be coupled with self-reflection. Without the two working in tandem change won’t happen.

Guys, tend to take longer to change. Many people say women are more intuitive. That’s not necessarily true. But guys are so programmed to try and be cool and tough that they ignore their intuition in favor of a rough exterior and uncaring attitude. It’s all a smokescreen. But it can take a lifetime to clear all that smoke.

Just think about all these questions as you move forward. There are trustworthy and loyal guys out there. You might not need to recycle the past to get the person you’re looking for.

Be well,

THE GUYS

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Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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I cheated on him; should I tell him?

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Military long distance relationship

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Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

Dear Guys,

Please enlighten me!

I met a guy through work almost a year ago that I really like and would like to get to know better. We live in different states, and communicate via text, IM, and e-mails.

Typically I am the one who initiates the conversation (not always), but he ALWAYS responds no matter how random the message. Also, he sent me a pic when I requested one. Would a guy do that if he weren’t interested? Or is he just being nice, and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings??  I even told him once that I felt he was giving off mixed signals and it was okay if he wasn’t interested…I’m a big girl and can handle it, blah, blah, blah. Instead of confirming or denying interest, he asked what I meant and that he didn’t think he was doing that.

All of the guys I’ve asked so far have said the same thing…that no one is that nice. If he wasn’t interested there is no way he would keep responding, especially for this long.

My girlfriends all say very different things ranging from “he’s interested” to “he has a girlfried” to “you are reading more into it”, etc.

Guys, What do you think??  Is he interested, or am I reading more into the situation than there is because I want there to be more??

Is it possible that we are both too guarded and cautious and waiting for a more direct and honest approach before opening up to each other? If that’s the case should I write a letter and put it all out there, or is that too desperate? I am desperate for the truth, not for a boyfriend…(I get asked out all the time), but there is just something about this guy that has captured my attention.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,

AJ

Dear AJ,

Thanks for your question.

Typically if a guy doesn’t take the initiative to move a “relationship” forward we would say he’s probably not interested. However in your case, since it is a long distance situation, that maxim doesn’t apply.

How confident do you think this guy is? From our point of view it’s hard to say. Sure, he might be savvy via text and email but that doesn’t mean he feels comfortable closing the deal. And when you factor in your work connection, he may be at a loss on the best way to proceed.

When a guy asks a woman to marry him he’s usually pretty certain that she’ll say yes. A non sequitur? Not really. Because some guys want this same level of certainty even before they ask a girl out on a date. (Think high school) Maybe their ego can’t handle rejection? Either way, this particular type of guy needs some help. Your guy may fall into this group.

We agree with your guy friends. We don’t think he’d be wasting his time for this long unless he was interested in you in some way. But if that’s true we can also see why you’re confused. You’re probably wondering, ‘What is taking him so long? Why is he not asking me out? What’s his deal?’ And that’s why we understand where your girlfriends are coming from too. He’s a bit of a mystery.

So here’s what we think. This guy needs you to be the one to take the risk. Of course, really, what is the risk? Rejection? Embarrassment? Those are only risks for a person who lacks inner strength. Sure it’s never fun to be rejected, but what’s the worst that can happen here? Not much really. You feel crappy for a bit and then you move on. But at least you’ll get the information you’re seeking.

However, we don’t think you should write him a “tell all” letter. Just let him know you’re interested in more than a text/IM relationship. You could drop hints, but why be ambiguous? Tell him directly that you find him intriguing and let him know you’d be open if he wanted to arrange a visit, etc.

But DON’T do the asking yourself. He’s got to take some initiative. You’re basically doing 90% of the work here anyway. If he can’t do the last 10% then he’s not who you think he is.

Good luck. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here as well. And please also keep us posted. You’ve piqued our curiosity. We want to know how this turns out.

THE GUYS

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He’s at a different college and in a fraternity; but does my ex still love me?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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Office relationship problem

Hello Guys,

A few years ago, this guy and I started dating. The relationship was great. We never argued or fought; we just got along great together. We were very affectionate, caring, and had fun together. We loved each other a lot, but we broke up when he decided to move out of state to live with his other parent. I didn’t want to have a long distance relationship and neither did he.

He ended up moving back and after a few months I decided to give him another shot even though I was still hurting. But I ended it after a while because it just wasn’t the same and I was still hurting.

Now, we have been talking again for a couple months and he came and spent Thanksgiving with my family. We stayed the night together and some things happened physically but not sex. It was really nice. But over the course of these months that we’ve been talking he hooked up with one girl and kissed another. He blames it on being in a fraternity. Is he just playing with my emotions or does he really care?

Because of us living in different cities we do not want a relationship. But it is possible that I might be able to transfer to the same college. Which he even said he wished I went there so that we could hang out more. He has quite a few friends that are girls and I’m worried that he has been lying to me about not doing anything with them.

My family loves him and was glad to hear that he was coming to spend the week of Thanksgiving with me. He was always playing with my hair, holding my hand, kissing my forehead, rubbing my shoulders and feet. Every night we would fall asleep in each other’s arms. Is he just doing all this for the physical stuff or does he care or love me still? Please help me to understand what is going on because I don’t want him to hurt me again. I feel like I know him but I’m not so sure.

Thanks,

Miranda

Dear Miranda,

Thanks for your question.

It seems as if he still has feelings for you. But guys are all over the place at that age. We’re assuming you’re both around 19 or 20 and in college, which means he’s surrounded by temptation everywhere he goes. It takes a strong and very focused “boy” to be able to commit to a long distance relationship while living in the type of environment he’s living in. (We know that wasn’t specifically your question, but we’re getting there.)

The singular goal of most fraternities is to get as many girls coming through the door as they can. Which makes the temptation element even more heightened. We’re not saying this an excuse for a guy in a committed relationship to cheat. It’s absolutely not. But it certainly gives fraternity guys incentive to NOT be in a committed relationship.

As far as you transferring schools. We don’t recommend transferring because of this guy. If you truly think the school is a better match for your academic pursuits then by all means transfer. But if you’re changing schools because of this guy we don’t think that’s the greatest idea. Why? Because it means you’re the one putting the effort into trying to make this relationship work. He gets to stay at his college, be a fraternity boy, and have you come to “hang out.” And even if you do transfer there are no guarantees of anything working out. But of course, you have to make your own decision on that.

But having said that, we do think there is hope for this relationship. You’ve been close for a long time, and it’s obvious you care about one another. Even after you’ve broken up you’ve stayed in touch in one way or another. So we think this is a timing issue. Right now you’re both in college, exploring new opportunities and new experiences, as you should be. We think if you stay in touch, see each other when you can, maybe in a few years the two of you will reunite. We’ve seen this happen many times before.

However, we’re not saying you should pining away for him. In order for any type of reunion to happen—getting back together—you need to be open to meeting new people. You need to be out there dating and enjoying the single life. You need to be open to meeting someone else new. And who knows, maybe you’ll be surprised and meet someone else who is amazing?

But either way, if you’re not out doing these things, and he is, you’ll only feel resentful if the two of you do decide to give your relationship another shot.

We hope this gives you some insight into what’s going on. Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. Or a follow up question if you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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TGP Ep.45 Lorenzo Lamas, Ten+ Great Fall Date Ideas and Your Questions

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The Meat:  The Guys sit down with actor, director, producer Lorenzo Lamas and have a very frank discussion about fame, overcoming adversity, relationships and marriage, and the legacy of strong role models in our lives.

Win a Pair of Tickets to “The King and I” at The North Shore Music Theatre!  Contact us at 347-855-GUYS or at the Contact Us page and mention or leave the us the subject line RENEGADE to be entered for our drawing.  Remember to leave us your email or phone number so we can contact the winner.  Good luck!

Are We the Only Ones?:  It’s easy to find ourselves in a dating rut.  What’s it going to be?  A movie rental and take-out…. again?!  Sai and Cucch give their ten (plus) ideas for great interesting and accessible Fall dates.

Visit your local vineyard or winery
Tackle the challenge of an Autumn corn maze
Go apple or pumpkin picking
Take a hayride (or Haunted Hayride if the spirit moves you)
Go leaf peeping
Hit the yard sales or browse some dusty antique shops
Visit a local museum or gallery
Hike, bike, picnic or frisbee golf your way through your local woods
Take in some fun local sports.  Soccer, Football, you name it!
Find some great Fall activities at a nearby ski resort
Take in your local Oktoberfest
Attend a costume party or better yet host your own!

Ask the Guys:  We take on four great questions from you our listeners.

Ashley  “Am I his girlfriend or a fling?”
Jill  “Caught him cheating”
Cathy  “Confused.  Does he think of us as just friends?”
Sara  “Should I give my boyfriend a taste of his own medicine?”

As always if you have any comments, kudos or criticisms let us know.  You can also share your stories in any of our segments including:
Pet Peeves
Father Stories
Are We the Only Ones
Youth is Wasted on the Young
The Truth
Stream of Consciousness
Ask the Guys
Call our voicemail line any time 24/7 at 347-855-GUYS (4897) or  Contact Us at the website.

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

__________________________

Hi Guys,

I live in Mexico, but I met a guy 4 years ago on a plane. He is from the USA. We started talking a lot from the beginning and I felt in love with him 2 years later. We see each other like 2 times per year and he told me that he is in love with me. Whenever he wants to see me he pays for my flight to his hometown, or sometimes he comes to Mexico. I saw him last weekend and I really want to have a relationship with him, so we talked about it. He told me that he won’t do long distance. He told me he is in love with me, and we talked about a future together, but still he doesn’t want to have a long distance relationship. So I’m wondering that maybe he doesn’t love me enough to make it work. Or is it very hard for you guys to have a long distance relationship?

I would love to know what you guys think about it.

Tita

Dear Tita,

Thanks for your question.

Long distance relationships are not easy, and they require even more work than a relationship where two people live near each other. So we don’t think it’s any harder for a guy to have a long distance relationship than a woman. But everyone is different and each relationship is unique. So let’s focus on your relationship specifically.

Other than seeing this man twice a year, how often do you talk or communicate? Is it on the phone, email, text? We ask, because something you said made us pause and wonder. You said, “Whenever he wants to see me he pays for me to come…” So does that mean he really only wants to see you twice a year? Or does this mean he doesn’t have the money to see you more? Because honestly, seeing someone twice a year without a lot of other communication on a daily or weekly basis is not much of a relationship. We’re not saying the feelings aren’t there, we’re saying that a committed relationship is a “day in and day out” sort of arrangement.

You seem like you’re in love with this man and ready to commit, but what about him? He says he’s in love with you, but then he says he doesn’t want to do a long distance relationship. So does he ever ask you to come live with him in America? Because to us that seems like an obvious step if the two of you are really in love. Having a long distance relationship should only be a temporary arrangement as you work towards being together in the same city. If you’re not talking about this yet, we think it’s time. And if he’s not going to bring it up, then you need to.

We also think you need to explore what’s really going on for him. What’s he doing while he’s not seeing you? Is he seeing another woman? Or is he sleeping with other women? What we can say about guys is: If they’re not willing to make a commitment, whether it’s a long distance relationship, or even a typical relationship, something else is going on. They either aren’t truly in love, or there’s another woman, or they want to keep their options open just in case.

We think the two of you need to start talking about all of these topics. It’s always better to know what’s really going on Tita, rather than be left wondering. And maybe once you start talking you’ll be able to sort it all out and move towards being together.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks. 

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

 

 

Long distance relationship: push and pull

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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High school dating to college long distance relationship

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Confused about this man’s thinking?

Long distance relationship: Trying again?

Dear Guys,

Ok, So I met this guy who’s 31—I’m 35. We met out in San Francisco in early March 2011. I live in Atlanta. I met him through a friend and from the very moment we met he pursued me heavily. Even when I got back home from SF he was texting me wanting attention, answers, and basically asking me if he had a chance. I basically decided to go for it. We continued this affair through Skype (ALOT), hundreds of texts, pictures, phone calls, etc. for months. I planned a trip for him to see me in Atlanta for three days. The trip went well, but upon his return he slowly started getting cold feet, stating the reality was getting to him. Anyway, this is after 2 months.

We continued the relationship but he stated he wasn’t sure if he was ready, but was still open to the idea. I booked yet another trip to SF and flew out there 3 weeks later after his visit. This time it was for 5 days just with him. I will have to be honest, he’s very warm, sweet, and inexperienced in the relationship dept. He wanted to make me happy, impress me, take me out on trips, etc. There was a lot of sex. I mean a lot. But also with other activities included. It was wonderful, but I was a little out of my comfort zone and started noticing him freezing up the last day, not wanting to hold my hand and not really expressing himself.

On my plane ride back he basically told me he wasn’t feeling it. That day a lot of drinking was done and I was a little edgy. When I came back, I was angry and hurt. He was basically trying to cut ties with me. Through the next three weeks, we ended up speaking again and he basically said to me that he had deep insecurities, and that I could do so much better than him, and he was in a different place in his life. That he hasn’t achieved much and he had un-resolved anger. That he could see me getting hurt down the road. The letter was heartfelt and sincere and I can see he has some issues to work through. I continued to talk to him for 45 days and tried to get close!

But the entire time has been push and pull. Hot and cold. He said he has feelings for me and doesn’t know what it is when he’s around me, but something makes him feel wonderful, he misses me, wants to see me. Then the next day he pulls back but continues to text, call late night. I get angry and start getting hurt but ask him to come visit again. He says we shall see… Never does, and always has an excuse. He just basically seems confused and back and forth and conflicted, yet won’t let go. I have decided to fly back out to San Francisco to visit a friend and he TRULY wants to see me, saying it would be a “dream” to have me and see me. Yada, Yada, How wonderful. Yet, he’s said  four days prior he’s not ready.

Ok, I am not ready to give up on him. But what is he doing? How should I go about this? What is he trying to say? I am very independent, pretty female that took a risk on someone that doesn’t do as well financially, nor quite mature in some regards but he carries such a warm space in my heart. I need to know how to win him and to get him on the track of this long distance thing in hopes for us to be together and come home to one another eventually. It’s not easy, but so far we are going on five months. It will be six by my next visit.

THANK YOU FOR listening. I’m trying to stick to actualities and facts. I do have very strong feelings for him or I wouldn’t be writing all of this, right?

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Thanks for your question. We got to it as quickly as we could. Sorry for the delay.

We think you really need to look at his actions, not his words Jennifer. What you’re describing is a common pattern among men when it comes to long distance relationships. We’re not saying all men are like this, but certainly enough to label it as a pattern.

Here’s how it goes:

Before the actual visit the guy is excited for you to come. He texts. He calls. He romances. He’s involved. He’s present. All of these actions and feelings are genuine, but often misplaced. We say misplaced, because the origins of some of these actions are sex based. Meaning, the anticipation of the upcoming sex is enough to fuel much of his pre-visit actions. Is it all about sex? Not necessarily, but it’s a big factor for guys.

Now the actual visit. It starts off great. Lots of fun. Lots of sex. He’s excited. All is well. But as the visit goes on, it becomes less about sex, and more about a relationship, and so reality hits for the guy, and that’s when he starts thinking with his actual head. And for many guys, the reality is very different than the fantasy, so he begins to question if he wants it or not.

By the time the visit comes to an end, the guy is distant and he’s already trying to figure out his exit plan. He starts blaming it on himself. Telling you there’s something wrong with him, most likely because he doesn’t want to hurt you, or he doesn’t want any drama. By the time you leave, he’s already got one foot out the door, and he’s managed to confuse you beyond belief. You say, “How can he want me so much, but then not want me?” Our answer: He can. Trust us.

So then you leave, and for the next few weeks, he remains distant, uncommunicative, uninterested. Then he starts thinking about sex again, maybe two or three weeks after you leave, and he starts associating you with all the fun he had, and all of a sudden he starts reconsidering his previous actions. The next thing you know he’s calling again, texting you, and missing you.

Then the cycle begins again.

This is exactly what you’re describing Jennifer. It’s possible he could come around, but we’re just saying: Tread carefully here because we’re concerned you’re going to get hurt repeatedly based on what you’re describing.

Good luck and take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Friends with the opposite sex: Am I just jealous?

DTR talk required

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Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy

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Dear Guys,

So my boyfriend and I have had a “thing” since 9th grade. We’ve been official for 17 months now and senior year is coming up. We both love each other very much and have always talked about going to college together. He’s from California and I’m planning to go to Uni in Washington. There was one point when I was feeling insecure about the idea of having a long distance relationship if it ended up that we went to schools in different states. He reassured me by saying that we could do it – we could do anything that we wanted and we could make it work if that’s what we wanted. This was a few months ago in February.

I asked him recently if he was still wanting to keep our relationship going after high school since senior year is starting soon. He responded by saying that he did not want to keep me from my dreams and from meeting other people and said how difficult it would be to go from seeing each other almost everyday to seeing each other MAYBE three months of the year. He also said that we could make it work if we wanted to and we could do anything, as he had said previously in February. Keep in mind that while talking about this, he is vising his home in California and I am still back at home. (We live overseas). We haven’t physically been together in about a month.

Some of my friends think that he’s scared about the future and is why he seems less sure now. One of my friends used to be really tight with him before we were dating, and she told me that before he asked me to be his girlfriend he would change his mind often, worrying about what to do. Obviously in the end, he asked me out. Do you think this is what is happening now? I love him very much and I know that long distance relationships are hard, and of course I’m aware that it might not work if we did it. But I don’t see the point in keeping a relationship when you know for a fact that it is going to end. He said that he would “happily” do long distance if that’s what I want. But I don’t think the decision should be completely mine. If it is going to work, we both should want it. We have only talked about this a couple of days ago and I’m now scared to talk about it anymore because I don’t want to pressure him, but at the same time I don’t want to have a relationship that I know will end.

Rae

Dear Rae,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly you’re a planner, and we can see you’d like to know what’s going to happen after high school. But what about senior year? It seems to us that you’re kind of jumping the gun here. College is a long way off, and a lot can happen before then. We’re not saying you should be worried because something might happen, but why not delay worrying about plans and enjoy your senior year together—or at least the first half? Sure we realize you have to choose your college by December, but you don’t have to choose to be in a long distance relationship until next fall.

It’s not a good idea to break up with someone just because you think it’s going to end a year from now. You have to let this play out. If the two of you stay together this coming year, the whole scenario will be much clearer. In four to six months, with all the new experiences you’ll have together, he may have a completely different mindset than he has now. He may be totally clear he wants to try a long distance relationship, and no longer be giving you mixed signals. Of course on the flipside, maybe one of you will decide it’s not what you want. But you have to just wait and see even if it’s hard. Otherwise you’re going to experience major regret.

Our advice is: Stop worrying about this now. Otherwise you’re going to “miss” all of next year. Life is about being present, not constantly looking to the future. Yes, it’s important to plan, but sometimes plans can’t be made until the time is right to make them. Does that make sense? Sometimes we need more experiences and time to make a more informed, and clearer decision.

So have some fun with the guy you love. And remember to keep talking about this, AND listening to each other. You’re right, both of you should want this, so try and work this out together. Communication is the key to a successful relationship. This may work out, and it may not, but let it all happen organically.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Long distance relationship: visiting issue

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Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a three to four week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

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THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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He moved out: What should I do?

Friends with the opposite sex: Am I just jealous?

Hi Guys,

My boyfriend and I attend the same University but during the summer we go our separate ways back home. It’s a 9 hour drive or 1.5 hour plane flight.

Although he admitted to me that he had been attracted to me the first time he saw me in class, it wasn’t until a few weeks before the year ended that we had a mutual friend set us up for a date. There was immediate chemistry and we fell head over heels, spending every day together for three weeks until we had to go home for summer.

After a few weeks of our long distance summer relationship we decided it’d be great if I went to visit him in July. And since my parents were totally cool with it, I bought the plane ticket and now had a date to look forward to all summer.

The whole time he was at the University for spring term he texted and called me every day. When he went home, it all stopped and I was lucky to get one a day. I got insecure and became angry at the sudden change and he said it was because he only had two months to spend with his parents and we’d have plenty of time during the fall and winter semester together—but his feelings hadn’t changed. He felt bad for making me feel insecure and pleaded for me to still come visit him.

He seems pretty busy all of a sudden. Should I call off this trip that’s supposed to happen in a few weeks? We miss each other but maybe giving each other summers will be more beneficial. How bad could two more months be?

Megan

Dear Megan,

Thanks for your question. You may have already gone on your trip—or not—since you wrote to us a month ago. But if not we think you should go. There’s no reason not to really. (If you already went, how was it? Please give us the update.)

We can see how you’d feel a bit insecure since your connection with him changed so dramatically after you both got home for the summer. Long distance relationships are tough because they require even more trust, fortitude, and commitment than “normal” relationships. Since you only had three weeks to really get to know each other, we can see how the two of you wouldn’t be prepared for the unenviable separation for three months.

In case you find yourself in the same position next summer, here are a few suggestions.

It seems the two of you could benefit from a conversation before school ends next year, at which point you need to discuss how you’re going to conduct the relationship while the two of you are separated by distance. Both his viewpoint and your viewpoint seem reasonable and logical. He wants to spend more time with his family, and knows you’ll be seeing each other soon enough in the fall. You feel you want to keep the strong connection going over the summer by talking or texting often. The two of you need to find a common ground that works for both of you. A compromise. Maybe you agree upon a set number for the amount of times you’re going to talk each day? This might include text messages, phone calls, emails, and Facebook. Let’s say you decide to “talk” three times during each day. You could try it for a month and see how it goes, and then modify it if one of you feels it’s not working.

You also need to decide how many times you’ll visit each other over the summer. Once? Twice? None? (Please discuss cost of the flights as well. This may seem petty, but believe us, it doesn’t take much in this kind of situation.)

With any relationship, communication is the key to making it work over a long period of time. But a long distance relationship requires even more communication, because you can’t rely on seeing the person to keep the connection strong. And without being able to reassure one another face-to-face, often little things can be misinterpreted, and sometimes blown out of proportion. It’s all about talking, which is why many relationship can’t withstand the weight of long distance.

THE GUYS

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Men: can’t live with them or without them

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible.

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

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THE GUYS

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Big problem with relationship: really need help

Hi Guys,

I recently met a man while at a work conference. Sadly we met on the last day, while he had been trying to meet me from lunch time day one. (I’m a bit “dense” when it comes to men). We remain in contact, however; he lives a hour flight away. I’m not rushing into anything, but he remains in contact with me via Facebook and text since we met.

How do I let him know I’m interested in getting to know him more without “freaking” him out?

Shall I listen to the media and wait for him to text me each time, or is it acceptable to text him? It is a challenge when the communication is electronic because of lack of body language etc, But he initiated for us to remain in the contact when we went our own ways. He is a doctor, so he is busy with his change of schedule and location. I am a nurse studying post-grad papers, so we are both occupied. I appreciate and accept his life is busy, but wish to let him know, “Hey… I’m here, I want to talk to you more and wish to get to know you.”

He is nice and does text me on his breaks and is quick to reply when I reply to his texts. However, he said he would text me today and now that I have finished having a busy day, I finally thought, “Hey he said he was going to text me.” That has left me wondering if I should I text him??,

What do you suggest?

Meredith

Meredith,

Thanks for your question.

Typically we would suggest letting the guy be the initiator, but taking into account your particular circumstances, we think it’s okay for you to do some of the initiating. Relationships need momentum to get going, like a train working up a head of steam. Without someone taking the lead in a relationship—and yours being a long distance relationship, which is even harder to get going—it will never get off the ground.

We say, go for it. Since he was the one who wanted to remain in contact, it’s obvious he’s interested in you. We can’t say if it’s just a physical attraction, or if he wants a relationship, but he is interested. So go ahead and text him when you feel like it. If he’s into you he’ll be happy you reached out to him. Just don’t go overboard.

Long distance relationships don’t have that natural day-to-day flow to them. They unfold very differently than “same town” relationships, because some of the action has to be forced, otherwise stagnancy occurs. And since so much is done by phone, or other electronic devices, it’s up to the two people involved to by hyper vigilant when it comes to communicating. Hopefully the two of you will develop some routines, and patterns, to help you get to know one another, and help get this relationship off the ground.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask another question.

THE GUYS

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Multiple questions: Long distance, getting played, quizno’s guy, break up, engagement off

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Getting Played: Trust your Gut

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are doing our best to answer all of them, but we are quite behind in our responses. So today we decided to answer five of your questions, since these are a bit shorter than some of the rest.

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

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You Tube Video

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THE GUYS

Question 1: Long distance

Dear Guys,

I’m in a long distance relationship. It’s been about two and a half years. In the begining he would tell me how much he wanted me and how much he couldn’t wait to see me. He’d make intimate comments. Now, although he tells me he loves me all the time he no longer makes the intimate comments or tells me how much he wants me. This is leaving me feeling less desired.

So my question is: is it possible he still desires me? I will be going to visit in a couple of weeks but feel like the passion might not be there for him so I’m nervous.

Karen

Dear Karen,

Thanks for your question.

It’s always nice to receive loving compliments, especially if they are unsolicited. And it’s equally upsetting if these compliments suddenly disappear. If he used to shower you with loving poetry, and he no longer does, is it possible he’s got something else going on? We’re just wondering out loud here.

By nature, a long distance relationship is often more intense than your typical day-to-day relationship. For a guy, the anticipation of sex is enough for him to do or say anything. If he’s no longer anticipating the sex with the same fierce desire, this could be the reason he no longer compliments you. But it’s not the only reason he might be pulling back. It’s up to you to figure out why. Keep those eyes open and trust your gut. (From our video) Watch above.

We think you’ll get all the answers you need when you visit him next. Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Question 2: Getting Played?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been with this guy for six months. Within the first two months I got an STD. (He was the only one I  was with.) I talked to him about it and he yelled at me and told me I was the only one he was with.  On top of that I only see him maybe one day out of a week and he has only spent the night with me two times in the last two months.

He has this “A” person who is always calling and texting him. And when I ask about it he yells at me and tells me it’s his sister from another state.  Yet I know there was one time his phone rang and I saw that it was “A.” I asked who it was anyways and he said it was a bill collector.  Another time I saw he received a text and I saw it was from “A.” When I asked him who he was texting he said his daughter.

He has two kids, a fifteen year old girl and a thirteen year old boy, which I’ve never met. They don’t even know about me.  I also have never been to his house.  He says he doesn’t want to introduce me to his kids until it feels right. He gets pissed if I don’t answer his calls or texts in a timely manner, or if I decide to do something at the last minute—even when he is not with me. I’ve let him in to my life 110% including my daughter looking at him like her dad.

My questions for you guys are:  Do you think he’s playing me or hiding something or someone from me?  How long should I wait before I press the issue about his kids?  Do you think he’ll ever let me in?

Joann

Dear Joann,

Thanks for your question.

Honestly, the situation sounds very sketchy.

Clearly you don’t trust him, and from what you say, we can understand why. So why are you trying to make this work?

Relationships are all about trust. You’ve let him into your life, but he has barely let you into his. When a guy hides you from his family and friends, it’s a major red flag.

If you really want to know what’s going on, press the issue now. It’s always best to know the truth. Either way you’ll get some answers. And knowledge is much better than uncertainty, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you’re hoping.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

Question 3: The Quizno’s Guy

Dear Guys,

So about two months ago I went to get Quizno’s. As I walked up to the counter, a cute guy started started talking to me as if we knew each other. As he was taking my order we ended up having a really odd conversation that most people wouldn’t normally have. We had great chemistry and quick and quirky comebacks for everything that was being said. It was one of those moments that only happens in movies or on TV. (It felt like we were the only ones in the Quizno’s shop.) As odd as that sounds, it was a feeling I never had the pleasure of experiencing. So my question for you is: is this something to look into or should I just let it be and let nature take its course?

P.S.  As i was turning to leave I caught him turn and smile all kid like at his co-worker. His co-worker just gave him a sneaky/grin expression.

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question. We love your story! It’s amazing when something like this happens–and not in the movies!

Well what do you think? What’s your gut telling you?

We say go for it. What’s the worst that can happen? So you can’t go to that particular Quizno’s anymore. What’s the best that can happen? Hmmm………Exactly!

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Question 4: The Break Up

Dear Guys,

Well, I was in a relationship with a guy for two and a half years. We broke up last month. We were madly in love, and then suddenly we were broken up. He said we can’t be happy when we’re together because I’m kinda needy and clingy. Apparently, he needs his own space and ‘single time’.

I’m going through a very hard time without him. But I know that he still loves me. He said that he wouldn’t contact me but he contacted my sister last week and asked about me. I didn’t let her give any information about me. I just want to disappear and get away from him. But I’m hoping that he will find me one day. Everyone around me is telling me that he will find me one day.

Will it really happen?

Soba

Dear Soba,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re in so much pain. Break ups are very difficult—like losing a part of yourself.

Having said that, sometimes break ups are necessary. And if your man is saying he needs single time, that’s a pretty strong message, and one you need to respect. It also says the two of you are in very different places in your life. Relationships are as much about timing as they are about love. Right now the timing is off between the two of you.

We can’t say whether or not the two of you will get back together. We imagine it’s going to take some time before you really know the answer to that question. For now, let yourself grieve, but try and get out and spend time with the people who love you: your family and friends. We know it’s hard, but try and enjoy the simple things in life for now. Unfortunately you don’t have any control over his actions, so you’ll have to just wait and see.

Take care and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Question 5: Broken Engagement

Hey guys!

My ex-fiance and I were together for over two years and were engaged, planning a wedding, etc. We were really great together and I just knew he was the one—until I found out that he cheated on me for two months by sending unsavory pictures and having racy conversations with this girl. I caught him and he confessed. But I’ll bet this was not the first girl.

We spent a few weeks apart and then talked things out and I forgave him. But I couldn’t really forget how it made me feel. I started to become a bit paranoid, wondering if it would happen again. I didn’t voice these concerns much. This led to several arguments—some heated—because he seemed uninterested,  and he didn’t want to be intimate much anymore.

For a couple that had never really argued before, this was major. Just four months after finding out about the cheating, he breaks up with me suddenly, claiming that we’d get divorced if we were married and were simply too dysfunctional, which I believe to be the worst cop-out I’ve heard. He refuses to give me reasons, meet up with me, or talk to me in general. It’s like he’s forgotten we ever planned a life together and were a couple. I don’t know what to think. He’d been going to the gym a lot lately— nearly obsessing over it—and hanging out with a homosexual friend of his. He also admits he thought he was bi-sexual. I don’t even begin to know what to do. This was the guy that I was supposed to marry and now it seems like I never knew him at all. Please help!

Whitney

Dear Whitney,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through a difficult AND confusing time.

Clearly the guy you fell in love with, got engaged to, and wanted to spend your life with, is not the man you thought he was. As you say, it’s likely he was “exploring” other options—in addition to the one you know about— while the two of you were together.

You are not the first person to have your trust betrayed, and you won’t be the last. Don’t blame yourself, or question yourself too much. These things happen to the best of us. And honestly, your ex is searching right now. Do you really want to be along for that ride? It sounds like it might be a long, and tumultuous one.

The consensus here with all of us is: your guy has actually done you a favor. Even though it’s very sad now, sometime down the road, when you’re in a loving and trusting relationship, you’ll thank your ex-fiance for letting you go.

For now, hang in there. Spend time with good friends and family. Try to remember all the things you loved before you met him, and throw yourself back into them. But unfortunately you’re not going to get all the answers you need from him, because he’s searching for his own answers.

Good luck, and keep us posted. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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We met and then I left the country

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The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Episode 37: Glee, Dunkin Donuts Psychic, Bratz, Slow Jams Contest

 

Hi Guys,

I was working in India. A month before I left my job to head back to NY, I met a guy who was joining the company I was working for. I thought this could be a fun last hurrah.  We ended up spending most of the month together – we talked about our families and our lives and realized we had a lot in common with regard to education, and even music. We did discuss how it had been more than just physical but that I was leaving the country for good, and he said he hadn’t been looking for a relationship. We kept in touch on chat and it’s been about 6 weeks now and the chat is initiated by both of us.  But, he hasn’t asked to talk to me on the phone or skype and I feel weird about being the one to initiate that. Days that we don’t chat or he doesn’t initiate chats, I am really sad. I feel strongly about the connection we have. I know we both felt it, but I am scared because I wonder what the point is if we are in separate countries with neither of us having a plan to move. I am quite miserable. Please tell me what you think I should do.

Thanks,

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Thanks for your question.

It seems a strong connection was made between the two of you, beyond just a month long fling. And we feel these types of connections aren’t always easy to come by. So it’s our opinion that you need to “fight” for it. Meaning, you should do anything in your power to see how this plays out.

We have no idea what might actually happen between the two of you. It is possible that he views the situation much differently than you do. But you can’t worry about that. You have to go for what you want, and if it works out, great, and if not, no regrets.

What’s the worst that can happen if you initiate more contact with him via phone or skype? If he reminds you that he wasn’t looking for a relationship in the first place then you’ll know where you stand with him. But as it is now, you’re left wondering. And remember, millions of people say they aren’t looking for a relationship when they actually find the person of their dreams. So don’t let that deter you. Life isn’t this perfect little package with a neat and clean timeline. It’s messy, and things constantly happen out of sequence.

However, keep your eye on the real goal: to have a relationship with him where you’re actually in the same country, or even better, the same town. The phone is a great first step, but hopefully it will help the two of you figure out whether or not you want to take the relationship to the next level.

Long distance relationships require tons and tons of communication, but they can work if both people are committed. Good luck. We hope it works out for you. Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up comment. And feel free to ask another question anytime. Or a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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How to start a long distance relationship?

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

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Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

____________________________

Dear Guys,

I recently met a man and really hit it off with him, even though we only spent about a week together. The problem is he lives a two hour plane ride away. We’ve kept in touch via texting and it’s been getting very suggestive. I want to see if this could potentially be a relationship but is he just in it for phone/cyber sex? I’m not sure if I should go with it and see what happens or back off?
Thanks!

Olivia

Dear Olivia,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s hard to say what this guy wants. But if you’re really interested in pursuing this more you need to get to know him much better.

The first way to do this is talk to him as much as possible. We know that texting-especially of the suggestive nature-can be fun, but it’s keeping the relationship in the fantasy realm which is always sexy and seductive, but not going to help you gather the information you need to figure out if you want to pursue a relationship with him. And since you live a good distance from each other you need to up the actual conversation to find out more about him-his friends, interests, job, family- and then hopefully find out about what he wants-casual relationship, committed relationship, marriage, or a fling.

Of course ultimately the best way to find out about him is to get together in person. You don’t mention how the two of you met but we assume from your cautious tone that maybe you met online. It doesn’t seem like he’s a friend of a friend or anything like that. So if you do get together maybe it should be on your terms and your turf. If he’s really interested he’ll be willing to do whatever he can to see you, which includes abiding by the guidelines you set.

If you really want to explore this but don’t feel you know him well enough, then have him stay at a hotel while he visits you. That way he’s not actually staying with you while he visits. You always have the option of inviting him to stay, but at least this doesn’t throw you into an uncomfortable position of having to move faster than you’re ready to. It’s also not a bad thing to proceed with a little caution since you don’t know him that well.

If for some reason you decide to visit him, we suggest the same thing. You should stay with a friend in that city, or at a hotel, just so you can have a little bit of separation for you to think, and remove yourself from the intensity that is part of any long distance relationship, and any “activities” he may be encouraging you to engage in.

But first and foremost start talking to him as much as possible. If he resists or doesn’t seem like he wants to put the time into really getting to know you, then he probably is looking for just a hook up.

Keep us posted. And good luck.

THE GUYS

Olivia and readers, please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

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Long distance guy: Is he worth it?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

Last week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

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Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Is he my boyfriend or am I just booty call?

We smile; does he like me?

Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship

Dear Guys,

I was in a relationship with a guy who fell for me really hard.  He said I was “The One”.  We spent a lot of time together and he was very romantic, in love, etc.  Anyway, we were an hour away from each other and things were moving very quickly.  I asked him if he was ever interested in closing our distance gap and he immediately started to act differently. He told me he will never move from the town he lives in and has decided he cannot give me what I want and has ended the relationship.  This is hard for me to understand since he was displaying so many feelings-love, future plans, etc? He told me he was walking away from a “once in a lifetime”.   He still contacts me occasionally.  We broke up over a month ago?  Do I stop all communication with him or do you think it is worth waiting it out?  Or do you think he is just plain selfish?

Val

Dear Val,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’re sorry about your situation. Getting mixed signals is always hurtful and confusing. Some guys have a hard time being straightforward with the woman they’re involved in. Your man is no exception.

Clearly he got scared when you pushed it a bit. Don’t get us wrong. You did the right thing. It’s never a good idea to pretend that things are how you want them to be, when they aren’t. You wanted to take the relationship to the next level and you put that out there. We commend you for that, and wish more people would ask for what they want.

If he truly thought you were a “once in a lifetime” opportunity we doubt he would have walked away so easily. Saying it is one thing but acting on it is quite another. His actions tell the tale, not his words. Yes, he’s being selfish, but he is doing what he feels is right for him. Unfortunately he wasn’t completely honest with you. Saying you’re “the one” one day, but then breaking up with you soon after should give you some insight to where his head is at.

So what we would say is, it’s probably time to move on. However, it has only been a month and if for some reason he does a complete 180 and decides to move to where you are, or something like that, we think it would be okay to at least give some consideration to getting back together. But only if he shows remorse, makes concessions, and completely changes. But we honestly don’t think that’s going to happen.

So should you break off communication? You should do what’s best for you. If it’s too painful to talk to him, and if it gives you false hope, then yes you should stop all communication with him and give yourself time to heal. If nothing changes in the next month or so, then it’s time for you to put this relationship in the past and get on with your life.

Any relationship you choose to be in should be a two way street. You should be getting as much as you’re giving. And the man you’re with should be willing to compromise, otherwise your relationship will be doomed from the start. Hopefully your next guy will be ready to meet you in the middle and take things to the next level.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Make sure and read last week’s question, Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship. Plus we’ve answered a bunch more questions about long distance relationships. And we have a few more waiting to be answered. So check back with us, and be sure to check back to read the comments. Our readers are very insightful.