The Guy’s Perspective

Dear Guys,

This question was inspired by your post on misogyny, but I don’t think it quite fit into the comments section for me to ask there.

I started talking to a guy that I met through a mutual friend.  Nothing serious.  We were just talking and he let me know that he finds me attractive.  He’s quite a catch what with the curing cancer (he’s a PhD candidate), being super nice, musically talented, and a little bit of a hottie on top of it all.  It had come time to do the big friending on facebook.  This is where I found out the guy is a Tom Leykis fan.  Dun dun dun!  No judgments if someone happens to be a Leykis fan, but I know what he thinks of women and how he instructs others to treat women and quite frankly…I don’t know if I should be heading in the direction of a “dating” relationship with someone that thinks it’s okay.  So we haven’t talked in a couple of weeks.  I kind of pushed him away after finding out that little piece of information.  My question is…was that fair of me?  I’m almost certain that I have interests that could lead people to make the wrong assumptions about me, but should some interests be automatic red flags?  I don’t think there’s any going back now, but for future reference I’d like to get The Guys’ take on this.

Lovy

Dear Lovy,

This is a great question.

We will admit, the first thing we did was look up more on Tom Leykis. It seems he’s made quite a name for himself and garnered quite a following.
And for those of you who aren’t familiar with him, he’s online at Tom Leykis Blog and Tom Leykis on My Space. We’re not promoting him, just giving you a sense of some attitudes toward women that are floating around on the web and on the air.

Lovy, let’s first address your specific situation and then discuss the broader question. At first glance your new guy meets all the criteria many women want in a man. He’s smart, good looking, interesting, cultured and motivated. However, herein lies the problem. Evaluating with a checklist is difficult and not very accurate.  When it comes down to it, these qualities pale in comparison to character, values and outlook on life. Luckily you know that.

We don’t know Tom Leykis personally, so it’s hard to judge what’s truly in his heart. Is he a misogynist? Certainly his on air persona would suggest that he leans this way. And even if he’s not, the fact that he’s willing to take on this persona for ratings and fame is telling enough. So we could see how you would want to tread lightly when seeing a guy who is a fan of his show.

However, you’re reaction was a bit knee-jerk. We think you know that, thus your question to us. Let’s say this same guy was not a Tom Leykis fan, but instead he was way into porn. And you didn’t know this about him. So after dating for a few months, you found an extensive collection-by accident- at his house. How might you view him then? Would you see him as someone who objectifies woman? Or would it be okay with you? Or maybe after getting to know him for a few months, and liking him, you might see it as one small facet of his personality.

Each situation is different for each person. Some people could never date a person affiliated with an opposing political party. Some people get stuck on religion, others on ethnicity. Some people don’t like swearing, other people are uncomfortable with someone who likes to go out a lot. It’s all what people can stomach and feel comfortable with.

It’s clear that this just didn’t work for you, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  And frankly, having said all of the above, this guy’s interest in Tom Leykis would cause us to pause and reevaluate as well. The only thing we might have done differently is had that conversation; if you truly thought he was worth it. You could have always bolted AFTER the conversation too, with a bit more understanding about why he enjoys this guy. And that information might have proved very useful in future encounters and relationships.

Everyone has their automatic red flags. We do. Obviously you do too. And that’s a good thing. It says that you are not willing to settle for the next cute guy. It says that you respect yourself and want to be with someone who respects you. No one should compromise their values just because they feel lonely. Because there is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship with the wrong person.

Thanks for writing.

THE GUYS

ps. TO OUR READERS: Check out Lovy’s writing at: www.bibliophile.sayrawr.com (She’s a talented lady!)

Upon visiting one of our favorite blogs, AskCherlock, we read a piece entitled Hate Crimes, Women and the Internet.

Here is an excerpt from her piece. Please go to her blog to read the rest of the article, as well as other great articles on world events and politics. And leave her a comment.

“……hate crimes against women are increasing as we are perceived as soft targets. One must wonder what role the Internet plays in this. Perhaps the Internet has become a place where some socially isolated men (or women) find it easy to hide behind an avatar and spew venom or prey upon others due to some latent mental pathology.”

For those of you who don’t know the word misogyny, it means quite simply, “hatred of women” or “considering them less” or “despising them.”

The first thought that comes to mind, besides the shame of coincidentally being the same gender as some of these men, is sadness. What type of upbringing, or lack of upbringing, must a boy have had to turn into a man filled with this type of anger? Or maybe he just picked up subtle clues over a long period of time. Either way it starts with parents.

Arguments are part of relationships, but it’s how the arguments are conducted that impact children and teach them how to treat one another. If a child senses veiled threats, bullying, or witnesses abuse, he will make mental notes about how relationships work. And ultimately he will conduct himself in a similar manner if not worse.

However it’s not always so obvious. Sometimes it could be simply, a boy hears remarks about how woman look and act. Over time these remarks gain momentum and make it clear to the boys that women are in fact just objects. And it’s a lot easier to hate an object than it is a person.

Discussing origins is one thing, but intervening to stop these types of crimes is a whole different ball game. However, do we really have a choice? Cher discusses how the internet is playing a role in hate crimes. We can see how easy it is to start a blog or a forum, and throw out all sorts of venomous barbs with little or no consequences. For in many ways the internet is truly the wild frontier with its own laws and it’s own sense of justice. But we are not helpless to combat this type of thing. We must put on our sheriff’s hats  and rally together and speak up.

Hate crimes against anyone should never be tolerated!!

If we work together as a united front, it’s possible we can help stop a few tragedies from happening. Please do your part to spread the word.

THE GUYS