The Guy’s Perspective

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed. And relationship videos coming soon.

Thanks so much.

Also: for smart writing, interesting topics, and a great community of bloggers, check out our friend Judie at:

http://rogueartistsspeak.blogspot.com

Recent questions:

Boyfriend who has a history of doing unsavory things

Being played by my woman?

How does he like to be licked? and… Am I too controlling?

Possible Porn Addict

We met and then I left the country

Dating Problems: I keep wanting to leave

Am I misinterpreting my friend?

This guy at my school

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Hear the interview with Actor Charles Shaughnessy. You might know him from the sitcom “The Nanny.”

The Guy’s Perspective Ep. 38: Actor Charles Shaughnessy interview, 12 items or less, contests

Dear Guys,

So I fell hard for this genuine Christian guy who is going into the marines next year. We both got into the relationship knowing that he would be leaving in January.

He chased after me, and it was different from my last relationhips because he worked hard to keep me. He was overall a good guy, but never had been in a relationship before so this was all new to him. Well, all in all, we complimented eachother well, and fell hard. I thought that his parents liked me to until he randomly (outta nowhere) he broke it off.

Now he is almost 20 years old, lives in a wealthy neighborhood, and his parents are a huge influence in his life. And when he said it was over, he kept mumbling about his parents and pastor telling him stuff wasn’t okay. But when I straight up asked him if this was what he wanted he looked torn and wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I was so blown away, and I didn’t see this coming. What ended up happening was his mom actually told me she thought I was a liar and bad influence on him. She was dragging out dumb stuff that wasn’t a big deal but making it sound like it was. All in all I got hurt by him and his mom, and he hasn’t talked to me since. It’s been about 3 weeks.

My question is do you think he’ll ever come around, or should i just let it go and completely forget him forever? I just need insight I guess.

Phoenix

Dear Phoenix,

Thanks for writing to us. This type of question seems to be coming up a lot lately.

Parents are supposed to guide their children not control them. But since many of us(THE GUYS) are parents ourselves, we understand how fine a balance this can be. When parents try to control their kids it often stems from some kind of fear. It sounds like that’s the case here. His mother is scared you’ll derail her son from the path she has so carefully laid out for him. But eventually he needs to start making his own decisions, otherwise he’s going to have a hard time forging his own relationships.

The problem you have here Phoenix has less to do with his mother and more to do with your boyfriend. We don’t know if it’s his religious background or his desire to please his parents, but if he’s not willing to stand up to them for you, he might not be worth hanging around for.

Freud understood how strong a bond mothers and sons have. And you can learn a lot about a guy by his relationship with his mother. (Not always 100% accurate, but a good indicator.) But the relationship becomes unhealthy when a son becomes a “mama’s boy” and never breaks free from her influence, even as an adult. When guys continue to heed their mother’s word above their current girlfriend or god forbid, their wife, that’s when it becomes a huge problem.

We understand this boy is young. Twenty is not that old in the grand scheme of male maturation, but it’s old enough for him to start thinking for himself.

So we’ll answer your question with a question. If he’s not willing to stand up for your relationship, is he someone you want to wait around for?

Hope this gives you the insight you were looking for. Leave us a follow up comment, and keep us abreast of the situation.

THE GUYS

ps. Spread the word. Tell your friends on Facebook. Subscribe to our podcast and/or blog. Videos coming soon. Thanks!

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Last week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex(Read comments)

This week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What’s his problem?

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating the future father of my child for about 6 months. I recently found out that I’m 6 weeks pregnant. I told him and he is excited but full of worry because he isn’t working. We don’t live together but I am concerned that he’s not looking for work as much as I feel he should be. I also can’t seem to tell how he’s feeling lately since I’ve shared the big news. I’m not sure what to do: if I should back off of the relationship and hope that he comes around or share with him how I feel and hope he understands? I want to get married and have a family, however, he says he may not be ready for another year and a half??? Like what is that about? I’m 30 and he’s 33, so clearly we aren’t kids and this isn’t rocket science. I feel like I should distance myself from him to prevent from being hurt. Please advise!!!

Keisha

Dear Keisha,

Thanks for writing to us. And congratulations on your baby news! This is a very exciting time for you.

Hopefully your guy is also excited about the news. It’s not everyday a guy becomes a father for the first time, and so it’s normal for him to feel a bit scared, especially since this was a bit of a surprise, and the fact that he’s not working. A guy likes to feel needed, and one of the ways he does this is by providing for his family. The fact that he doesn’t have a job could cause him to withdraw because he feels inadequate. These feelings of inadequacy could also cause him to shut down, and thus feel paralyzed. (Another reason he’s not looking for a job as hard as you’d like.) However, in the end these are all excuses, and hopefully he’ll snap out of it, and kick himself into gear.

But we don’t think you should withdraw or distance yourself. You say you want to get married, so we’re assuming you want to get married specifically to the father of your child. If so, you need to talk to him and tell him what you need. This is all new territory for him, and it sounds like he might need some support as he comes to terms with the exciting, but scary life that lies ahead for him. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you need. Have him tell you what’s going on for him. Work on this together, not apart.

Remember what you want ultimately Keisha, and keep your eye on that. The ideal situation is to be married to this man, and raise your baby together. If that’s the case, you need to do everything you can to facilitate this. If he still doesn’t step up to the plate, then you’ll need to reevaluate, but it’s too soon to go down that road. Don’t give up on him yet just to avoid being hurt. Because remember it’s better for your child if you AND your man are raising him or her together.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Please let your friends know about us on Facebook, Twitter, or even Face-to-Face. Thanks!

Readers: To read more on this topic check out: Dating in my 20s as a single mom?  or a personal account from Sabrina, “Dating as a single mother.” 

To read about cultural differences within relationships check out:

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used? 

Dear Guys,

I’m a 24-year-old single mother of one child, and am interested in a guy who is in his late twenties, never married, and has no kids. I am currently a student intern where he is employed, so we have similar educational backgrounds and related professions. I will be finishing my internship soon, and would like to get a feel for whether or not he would be interested in getting to know each other after I am done. I’m concerned that he would be overwhelmed by the fact that I have a child. I’m not looking for a father-figure for my son necessarily since he has a great relationship with his biological father (we simply are not right for each other), but more so for companionship and someone to make sure that I take the time to have fun once in awhile. He seems to live kind of a bachelor lifestyle; however, in speaking to him it seems that this is because his life right now is able to afford him one. Do you have any good tips to see if he might be interested too? Also, what is your guy’s take on dating a single mom?
Thanks for your help!

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Thanks for writing. We’re sure there are plenty of other single moms, and dads, wondering the same things. We’ll just speak for THE GUYS here.

Hopefully this guy will decide to date you or not, based on who you are as a person, not the fact that you have a child. However, dating a woman with kids is not the first choice of most guys, especially guys who’ve never been married before, or who don’t have their own children. But each person is different, so nothing ventured nothing gained.

This guy is in his twenties, so he’s still a young man. He SHOULD be living the bachelor life because that’s what most guys in their twenties do, whether they have money or not. But this doesn’t mean he couldn’t fall for you, it just means he’ll be faced with a decision that he might not be ready to make. Does he really want to be a father figure right away? (It doesn’t matter that you aren’t looking for a daddy for your child. The fact is, you have a child, and whoever enters your life will have to embrace that to some degree in order to be with you.)

It sounds like you have a solid relationship with your ex which is great for your son. It’s also easier for a guy to walk into a situation that’s positive rather than dealing with a hostile and combative situation. We commend you for that.  But the truth is, having a child and an ex, could scare this guy away. (It would scare a lot of guys away.)

But many couples run into obstacles that are difficult. Religion. Ethnicity. Class. All of these have been known to create confusion and conflict. In fact anytime two people come from different backgrounds or have different experiences, there’s more of a chance of potential conflicts.

But even with potential issues out of the gate, this guy might not care. Here are a few reasons that guys in general might be open to dating a women with kids.

1. If a guy is super attracted to you he won’t care if you have a child. Or if he finds you fascinating.  Just make sure his intentions are true. Be careful.

2. If a guy has been married before. Or has a kid of his own. Now you both have similar experiences and the playing field is even.

3. If he’s just a cool guy who’s very secure with himself. This is a stretch for guys in their 20s but it’s possible. You’re more likely to find this with a slightly older guy in their 30s or 40s or older certainly. But it doesn’t hurt to explore all your options.

So that’s it in a nutshell. We hope we haven’t scared you off. If you’re into this guy, we say go for it. You’ve got nothing to lose really. But our biggest tip to you is be direct. Invite him over for dinner. If that scares him off, well he’s not the right guy for you anyway.

Hope this makes sense. Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

If you have a relationship question, drop us a line on the Ask The Guys page. We’ll answer here or on our podcast.

Please leave a comment and/or a question.