Ask the Guys: Being strung along,  Too fast

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Enjoy and have a great week.

You: Is it just one guy or are there a bunch of guys?

Us: The site was started by Sai, aka “One of the Guys” as a dating website writing descriptions for online profiles, but it’s morphed into much more. (Yes, we still do that.) But now we have five other guys contributing to various parts of our site, including the blog, podcast and creative team.

You: So then why the singular Guy’s Perspective.

Us: Guy is a singular term. Basically we are presenting the perspective of the guy, or a guy. How does a guy think? What does he do? What motivates him? What is his next move? Since we’re all guys, we feel we have a pretty good handle on this. Also, The Guy’s Perspective just looks better than The Guys’ Perspective.

You: How old are you guys?

Us: Old enough to know that we don’t know everything. But seriously, most of us are in our thirties and forties. However, we certainly can remember our teens and twenties. Those kinds of memories don’t fade; good and bad!

You: What makes you qualified to talk about relationships?

Us: We’ve gained a lot of insight from our own dating experiences, plus marriage and fatherhood. However, we don’t necessarily have more qualifications than anyone else, just that we’re able to bounce ideas off each other and really discuss all topics thoroughly.

You: What are you guys into besides talking about relationships?

Us: We’re into everything and anything. Here are some interesting tidbits about us.

These are from various guys.

-I love Terry Gilliam movies.

-I possibly make the world’s finest apple crisp.

-I run a beverage company by day.

-I’ve played the piano at Yoshi’s Jazz Club.

-I hate every one of the 45 minutes on the elliptical trainer.

-I once wanted to travel around the country playing pick up basketball.

-I wore my baseball uniform every day to first grade.

-The songs most played songs on my ipod are: “Going in the right direction” by Robert Randolph. “Local Hero” by Mark Knopfler. “Pride and Joy” by Stevie Ray Vaughn.

-Favorite movies of ours: “Shawshank Redemption” “Pulp Fiction” “Bourne Identity” “Forrest Gump” “Slumdog Millionaire.” Actually the list could go on and on.

-I own a mandolin.

-I am searching for a Jesus shaped spirituality.

-I owned a standard poodle as a kid. She famously jumped out of the second floor window and survived.

-I climbed El Capitan, and slept five nights gaming from a hammock on the wall. (He’s insane!)

-We have 12 kids between us. No grandchildren.

You: Thanks for clearing some things up for us. Can we keep asking you questions as we think of them?

Us: Sure. Ask away. We won’t promise that we’ll answer all of them, but we’ll do our best.

You: Last question. Are you really as nice as you try to portray here?

Us: Yikes. Do you mean, are we really that square? Or are you asking if we’re hiding something?

You: Both.

Us: Let’s put it this way, none of us have criminal records, or anything like that. Jeez! And as far as being square, no question would shock us. We’re not as shy as we seem, and we like talking about everything, even sex. Yeah, we said it. Yes, there’s a little bad boy in all of us.

THE GUYS

Any more questions? Ask away! (We’re not promising, but we’ll do our best.)

I realized recently that I’ve forgotten something very important. I realized that hidden behind all of my self-imposed restrictions and fears and limitations, there is a spirit within me that wants to feel absolutely powerful and free and beautiful. I connected with this feeling recently while listening to some primal music by a percussion team known as David and Steve Gordon. The song is called Spirit Vision, and it is a very primal and beautiful piece of music that evokes images of being wild and free and strong. You can listen to it here for free:

As I listened to it, I found myself yearning for a feeling of being fully alive, standing on the edge of a high cliff, feeling the wind on my face, tall, strong, brave, in the moment (add tanned skin and rippling muscles for a bonus). My imagination carried me away to a place where I lived as a part of a primal community, where I was respected for my strength and wisdom, where I was deeply connected to the earth and to the people and to a greater spirit, where I was powerful and beautiful. I stood on the cliff looking down, arms extended, overlooking my village, and knew that I was fully alive.

Okay, I know it sounds crazy, and perhaps something from a movie, but think about it. You’ve had this feeling yourself, perhaps after winning a big game, getting the girl/boy, achieving something really big or doing something that earned you lots of praise.  You may not have been half-naked on a cliff, but inside your spirit was soaring. You’ve also gotten this feeling from watching movies. I recently watched Avatar and found it beautiful this way — the main character transforms into a powerful and respected being who takes on life moment by moment with incredible bravery and strength. Think about it. Many of our favorite stories seek to invoke this feeling, the feeling of living a life that is essential, spirited, adventurous, engaged moment by moment, meaningful: Braveheart, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Harry Potter, and even How to Train your Dragon.

I think the desire to feel this way is there for all of us, but we don’t think we deserve to feel it.

What stunned me is how briefly I was able to sustain the feeling. Way too soon, I felt my mind, my inner critic, step in and remind me: you’re not that! You’re a dopey Dad who’s arms are anything but rippling with muscle and your “tan” is on your forearms and nowhere else. You thinking of yourself as brave and strong is laughable! You can’t remember to give the dog medicine let alone be the wise leader of a tribe of beautiful people. You’re being ridiculous. Get down from there! You’ll poke your eye out! (sorry, couldn’t resist that one…)

You get the idea. I shamed myself out of the feeling as soon as I had found it. The good thing is that one of the lessons I’ve learned in my life is that in order to heal, I have to first know how I am suffering. It’s sort of the internal “bulking up” version of “no pain no gain.” Seeing the gap so clearly between what it would be like to feel expansive and free and what I “allow” myself to feel in everyday life is an amazing gift. The truth is — it doesn’t matter if I think anyone else sees me as a beautiful and wonderful spirit. What matters is that I allow myself to feel that way. Waiting for external approval is a losing game — why wait for other people who are limiting themselves to approve you so you can stop limiting yourself?

The truth is, there is no “entrance exam” or “quality bar” associated with feeling really amazing and free and alive. It’s available to anyone, and everyone deserves it. We just have to learn how to stop our inner critics from telling us to stop jumping on the bed because we’ll break a leg (or get laughed at for wearing a loin cloth on a cliff). Here are some lyrics from a John Mayer song that has now taken on new meaning for me (from No Such Thing):

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there’s no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you’ve got to rise above

The lie is that you don’t deserve to feel expansive, beautiful, free, and strong.

Once again, I find that music has brought a valuable insight into my life. I think I’ll go out and buy a drum with feathers on it.

Relationships are complicated dances of give and take, and compromise. We don’t mean compromising values, but more a willingness to budge,  just a little, when the issue at hand is not really that important. Otherwise the music stops and the dance is over.

Here are some examples of budging from our point of view.

Us: Do we really have to go to this thing?

You: (Give us THE LOOK)

Us: Yes, we’d love to go to your best friend’s dog grooming party.

OR

You: Honey, look at this. (You point to the newspaper.) There’s a great discussion on Wild Flowers happening on the Nature Walk trail this weekend.

Us: (We give YOU the LOOK)

You: (Ignore us) And?

Us: (Pause to see if you’ll cave in….you don’t…..) Sure, that sounds great. We’ll just take an extra Sudafed for our allergies.

OR FINALLY

You: I’ve got nothing to wear.

Us: What about all the clothes in your closet?

You: Those are all old and out of style. And they don’t fit. And they don’t look good anymore. And I don’t like them. And I want some new clothes.

Us: But..?

You: Will you come shopping with me? I need help.

Us: (Grinding our teeth quietly) Sure. Fine. Maybe we can go to the mall and eat at the Food Court?

You: The mall? Are you kiddin? I don’t want to go to the mall. Let’s go downtown.

Us: But aren’t those shops way more expensive?

You: So? What are you trying to say?

Us: Um, nothing……sounds great.

Us: (Thinking) Great, we can forget about the 72″ Flat screen.

But we also know the women in our lives compromise for us too. This is what we think you pretend to like. Or at least tolerate for us.

Going to our company BBQ.

Watching us come in last place in the Elks Lodge Bowling Tournament every year, while being stuck talking with “Marty,” the friendly host who smells like Cigars and Sardines.

Playing video games with us. Watching football. Going camping.

Having a little romp with us on a night you’re tired, even though you’d rather curl up on the couch with a blanket and a glass of wine, and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” or “Glee.”

These examples are all mentioned in fun, but actually compromising CAN lead to new experiences and new knowledge. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to know about which Wild Flowers are edible and which aren’t. It might come in handy if we ever accompany Bear Grylls on a segment of “Man vs. Wild.” And knowing how to groom a Poodle might save us some serious money if we ever actually own a dog. But most importantly, compromise can lead to a better understanding of the other person, which leads to good will, and ultimately a stronger bond.

However we do have one slight problem. Although we understand compromise is important, we’re still not sure about the dance part. Although we’d secretly like to get better.

So when you bring up taking a dance class together, we “slow play” it, hoping if we pretend to not be that interested, we can get you to join the couples poker night we’ve been begging you to…….WOW!….Our bluff works! You agree. We’re now feeling a bit overconfident.  So we try to get one more raise from you.

Us: (Sweetly) Do think we can we get that flat screen TV now?

You: Don’t push it buddy!

No, you’re no fool. And that’s the real reason why we love you!

______________________________________________

What do you compromise for your partner? Why?

What do you think they compromise for you?

The first post we dipped back into time bringing you a piece of nostalgia from our childhood. “The Uniform”

The second post was all about expectations of that “coming of age” event called, “The Prom.”

Now from, “One of The Guys”

Well, this is going to be more of a stream of consciousness post. I’m just going to see where it goes. I like to do that sometimes. I might have a nugget of an idea, and then see how far I can develop it, similar to improvising on a theme when I play music. That’s what improvising is all about. Not knowing where the story is going, but still having some parameters to work with; basically the other musicians, the chord changes (if there are any) and the audience, because surely their enthusiasm or lack thereof dictates how the story is told.

And isn’t that the truth? Isn’t that what life is like? What being a person on this planet is like? One Big Blessed Improv Routine!! I mean seriously. We don’t know what the hell we’re really doing, where we’re going, what’s right, what’s wrong, who we really are. In fact by the time we THINK we’ve kind of figured it all out, we know the story is just about to conclude, and there’s no way to alter the ending.

I think about this a lot when I’m at home dealing with my kids. I try to give them parameters to work with, but I can’t control their own story as much as I’d like to sometimes. Why do I want to control it? Because this world is a scary place. And the older I get the scarier I think it is. Now don’t get me wrong. I work hard to see the beauty in all of it too, and I try not to let my fears paralyze me, or my kids. But now that I do have a family, life somehow seems more precarious, more fragile.

I remember being a bold teen, walking down the city streets alone, and not being scared of anything. Ignorance is bliss.

BUT NOW?

Now, the freaking squirrels scare the crap out of me. I think to myself, if one of those little ferocious beasts actually attacked me or the kids, I don’t think I could fight it off. Seriously! Could you? What if all the squirrels in the world decided to attack at once? We’d all be TOAST!

What does this mean besides that I’m nuts?

It means that we all have to trust in “the order of the universe.” Trust that the sun will come up…..at least occasionally where I live. Trust that darkness will come so we can rest. Trust that our kids will learn their own lessons and grow from them. And trust that the damn squirrels will stick to the trees.

So as I navigate through this world, it’s clear to me that I’m not alone. That no matter how nutty my thoughts are, I know I can just search, “Nutty Thoughts” on the web and find about a million people who think exactly as I do. (I’m not sure if that’s comforting or not, but it’s still amazing)

So what’s the lesson.?

We need to stick together, that’s what. We need to try to understand one another and realize that we all have so much more in common than we don’t.  We need to realize we all care about our families and we all want our kids to grow up and be happy and have opportunities. We all want to sit back and watch a game and root for our team without being castigated or threatened. We want the simple things too. A nice meal with a friend OR by ourselves. A quiet time to think. A good run, or walk. A night out to watch a concert. Some alone time with our honey. Or maybe time to read a cool blog, or find some cool new app on our iphone. (I don’t have one yet) We all just want to live and enjoy the time while we are here. Have fun. And maybe try to figure out where we’re headed after our time is up on this planet earth. Or maybe not.

Sure we’re all unique and that’s what makes this place so damn cool! But until we start acknowledging our similarities, we can’t celebrate our differences, to use a common PC expression. (Don’t get me started about being PC)

And let’s be honest, who the hell isn’t scared shitless of squirrels?

Take some time to check out these great sites. They cover all the things you might be interested in: Politics, Art, Philosophy, Religion,Parenting, Travel, and lots of humor! Enjoy!

Ask Cherlock

Astronomy for Everyone

A Little Girl Talk

Out of Context: Pieces for a Life (aphorisms)

Artistry Infaux

Applause for a Cause

Decaffeinated Coffee

Footsteps (Travels and Journeys)

Jeans Musings

Mad Kane

SuperMommy to the Rescue

Sugar Snow

Superficial Gallery

TJ Lubrano

The Suss

Virtual Synapses

Writing to Survive