He’s checking out sex/hookup sites; should I leave?

I found out a while ago that my boyfriend has been checking emails from "dating" sites (a.k.a. sites that are not geared toward relationships, but rather meeting people that just want sex). He said that he was going through the emails because he was bored and says now he has stopped looking at them, but I don't know what to make of the situation. Is this something that men normally do? Should I leave him? "Jen"

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Online dating; looking for a guy who’s emotionally available? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Dear Guys,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for this site, which I just found. I think all of your advice is so sound and mature, a big change from some of the other sites out there.

I’ve had a pattern of being involved with guys who make all the right “noises” — they ask me out, call every day, spend time with me, introduce me to their friends and family, are exclusive, don’t cheat—but I’m always left feeling like all the signs of a great relationship are there, but without the real substance. They don’t open up to me, don’t express themselves or their feelings or dreams, they seem to just want to get into a comfortable, monogamous routine where the relationship doesn’t really evolve or develop into anything deeper. I usually have to end the relationship after 1-2 years, when I see that they really don’t know how to open up and move things to another level, and they are usually devastated. I know this is kind of a ridiculous problem to have, considering all the “real” problems on this site, but I’m having so much trouble finding a real, nourishing, satisfying relationship where I can really connect with a partner over the long-term.

Anyway, that has been my history and I’ve started online dating for the first time and I am understandably a bit on the look out for early signs of this behavior as I just don’t want to fall into it again. I’ve been on three dates with a guy who seems nice, but has a few red-flags. He’s 42  years old and never married, no long term relationships for the past NINE years! What first bothered me was that each time we went out, he waited three days to call me, which is unheard of in my dating life. (I usually get a call/email/text the next day or at the latest the day after.) I asked him jokingly if he was following the “three day rule” (Although my feelings were hurt) and he was genuinely surprised and said no, he was just taking things slowly and enjoying getting to know me. He said that if it meant a lot to me, he would call me more frequently, which he has. But I still can’t shake that feeling of him being emotionally distant; he certainly is somewhat “walled up” —he gets uncomfortable when the conversation gets serious and looks like he wants to escape and withdraw when anything deeper is discussed.

Is this a red-flag that I keep choosing the same emotionally unavailable men who, deep in their hearts, just aren’t into me? Is there a way to spot this early on? Or are my experiences making me paranoid? I really would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on whether a slow start to things is a good or bad sign? (I believe it’s important for a guy to be pretty excited about me in the beginning and wanting to call a lot.) And whether I can spot an emotionally unavailable/immature man, so I can make better choices in the future.

Kate

Dear Kate,

Thanks for your kind words. We appreciate it.

Okay, you’re saying two different things. First you say that you seem to pick guys that don’t know how to open up, and that you end up having to break up with them. (They are devastated.) But then you say you keep choosing guys that are emotionally unavailable, and who deep in their hearts just aren’t that into you. The former is about the guys you are choosing, the latter is about you, and some sort of worry and insecurity. The issues are different, but they are related.

Ultimately, people choose partners that make them feel good about themselves. Take altruism for example. We believe in it as a concept, but people perform altruistic acts because of how their actions make them feel about themselves. It all comes down to the self, if you follow that logic. So our question is: What level are you trying to get to with these guys? (It sounds like there’s been quite a few.) And is this level attainable by anyone, or is it something that no matter what they do, they won’t be able to reach the level you’re looking for? (We’re just asking the questions so you can think about them.) Which brings us back to our original take: That your issue might be a combination of the wrong guys and what you ultimately need, or think you need.

Relationships require compromise. Obviously no one should compromise on important matters, like values, morals, attractiveness, and things like that. But in our society, we’re told our partner needs to be our soulmate, our best friend, our everything, and frankly, it’s not possible. That’s why people have friends and family. (Those help fill other needs.) Like we said, we are not telling you to settle. Absolutely not. But we are asking you to take a look at what you’re asking from these guys. And are you open to surprises? What do we mean? Maybe the guy who’s right for you is not the guy you seek? Do you have a list of attributes or requirements before you date someone? Maybe that list needs to be revised, or thrown out entirely? Maybe, the very attributes you find attractive in a man, directly impact his ability to open up.

We like that you’re trying new things: online dating. What about a social network, or adult ed classes, or joining some local club to meet people who like to do the sorts of things you like to do? Maybe meeting someone in a completely different setting would help take things in a different direction than your past experiences.

And so what about this new guy? He’s slow coming out of the gate. We don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing. We didn’t love his slow response time to your texts, and agree, that that needed to change. But we did like his openness to modifying his behavior to make you happy. We see this as a very positive sign. Flexibility and compromise are good things in a relationship. Sure, he’s 42, single, never been married, all the signs of a player, or someone stuck in their ways. But you’ve got to give this some time. If he’s slow with his response time, he’s also probably slow with opening up to someone new. Right now you’re uncomfortable and we can tell you don’t particularly like being uncomfortable. (Who does?) But we think it’s good for you. Just go with it and see what happens. And keep the conversation flowing. He seems open to discussing issues, so if something comes up, talk to him about it.

We also can see you’re worried about your ability to choose a keeper in general. So here are some signs of one:

Someone who is willing to compromise and be flexible. Someone that listens, but also absorbs what he’s listening to and applies it later. Someone who is willing to share about himself, but also wants to know about you. Someone you think you know but then is still able to surprise you. Someone who genuinely wants the best for you, and has your best interests in mind when he’s out in the world without you.

We hope we didn’t offend you with some of our questions. We’re just trying to get you to consider all possibilities as you navigate the complex world of dating, online dating, and social network groups.

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave us a comment below, and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And definitely keep us posted about this guy, or any other situation that comes up.

Also, we hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. And on Facebook, Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Take care,

THE GUYS

Other questions about online dating: 

Online dating; should I move forward? 

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more? 

Online dating; am I booty call or more? 

Divorced and online dating

 

 

Is my fiance cheating online? What should I do?

My fiance and I have been engaged for almost a year now. I've been noticing that he's been watching porn more these days, and now he's joined sites like cheaters dot com, x rated chatrooms and even dating sites. He denies it when confronted and says his brothers were on his computer or his friends probably signed him up. I don't believe him. Why has he joined these sites? Should I be worried? He's with me every second when we're not at work. And he bends over backwards to help me out. What should I do? "Savanah"

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Relationship and Dating Advice: My boyfriend is checking out online dating sites

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend and I met online a year ago. Once we started dating we both deactivated our accounts. But after a fight I saw that he reactivated his. After approaching him about it he apologized and deleted it. A few months later after another fight I saw an email notification that he had signed up for a completely new online dating website. I am unsure how to approach this or what it means. Right now things seem better than ever as we approach our one year anniversary, but maybe they are not as good as they seem?

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question. We’re glad things seem to be better, but do you really think you should ignore this pattern of behavior? (Every time the two of you have a problem, he goes and starts exploring dating sites.) His behavior is a red-flag. It basically means he’s got one foot in and one foot out of the relationship. As soon as something goes wrong he’s off checking out what else is out there. This is not the behavior of someone who is committed for the long haul. And it means a part of him is not satisfied with what he has.

In order for relationships to thrive both partners have to choose the relationship every day. The relationship must be their first priority when they’re out traversing the world. Because these days, with online dating, chat rooms, and other web related activities, it’s easier than ever to stray. And not only stray, but to hide any “activity” from a partner. That’s why this needs to be addressed now.

We understand that you’re scared to broach the topic for fear that he’ll leave, but honestly, if you don’t, it’s not like the problem’s going to go away. And really, just because he’s physically in the relationship doesn’t mean he’s committed emotionally. Do you really want to be with a guy you can’t trust? Do you want to be with a guy who doesn’t feel as excited to be with you as you are with him? We don’t think so. If he freaks out and breaks up with you, you’ll have all the answers you need. As sad as that might be, he’ll be doing you a favor, and you won’t waste any more time with a guy who cheats. If he doesn’t freak out, and seems completely remorseful, apologizes, asks for forgiveness and says he’ll do anything to restore the trust in the relationship—including going to couple’s counseling or something like that—then at that point you can decide if that’s what you still really want.

What do you think? Does this make sense to you? Do you have any follow up questions? Ask away.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. And help a fellow reader by VOTING on our Ask the Audience page. It only takes a second. Have your friends vote too.

 

 

Relationship and Sex Advice: He’s sketchy with his internet use

Hello Guys,

My boyfriend of a year now still has an issue with closing out of a window when I walk into a room. It really bothers me. There was an issue back in April of this year that I saw him clicking through his ex-girlfriend’s pictures all the time. What made me look in the first place was I was always near him and could see what was going on. Oddly enough it was never their pictures he’d be clicking through when I’d be there or walk by. I started to pick up on the fact he’d get all weird when I did walk by and I actually did see him click out of Facebook when I walked by.

He went to work one day and I saw allllll of these girls he had been looking at. After awhile before I said anything I wanted to see if it continued. It did. I did confront him after not too long and he denied that he was ever with any of them, denied that they were ex’s and tried to walk out of the room. I knew for a fact they were, and after a bunch of yelling he admitted it. Did I want to yell and be in tears? No, but he was being a liar and I had moved away from my home to be with this man and to now find out he was creeping every ex’s photo they had was upsetting. He would even try to look at one’s profile that was private!! I’m not some jealous control freak, but when he swore up and down in the beginning how much he couldn’t stand them why would he be stalking them??

That was April. Recently in September we were on his computer; he typed in something and the history brought up one of the same ex’s profiles. The history showed links of him obviously searching her. He called me a control freak and threatened to leave me because I was mad and upset over what I saw AFTER we had already been through the fact that it wasn’t cool. He said at first that was months ago, but it was obvious he looked her up. This was the same girl he would try to look up who had a private profile on Facebook.

My question. Why would he swear up and down how much he can’t stand these girls for one? (I did see messages from the past where he was nice to them after their awful so called break ups. Not like he was calling them crazy whores then.) And two, do I have something to worry about? Is he a potential cheater or is his creeping harmless? From time to time I still do catch him clicking out of his internet tab really fast and awkwardly when I walk by. If I ever bring something like this up I’m called a control freak and sent through this circle of how it’s my problem and my illusion.

Please  tell me the reason for this behavior? Am I dealing with a liar and potential cheater or am I the issue? Please help. :(

Anne

Dear Anne,

Thanks for your question. Well, obviously we’re only hearing your side of the situation, but you seem like you’re trying hard to be objective. And if you’ve described your situation accurately then you are definitely not the problem. He is.

All people are curious about what their ex-boyfriends/girlfriends are up to. Even if the breakup was bad, once you’ve been intimate and close with someone, a part of you is always connected to them. It’s human nature to be curious. Guys take this a step further though. Most guys fantasize about having sex with their ex-girlfriends. It’s normal. Most of those guys aren’t thinking about getting back together with their ex, but they’d like another few shots at hooking up. Why? Because, much of the time guys don’t break things off because the sex isn’t good, they break things off for other reasons. 1. They don’t want a commitment. 2. The girl doesn’t satisfy every “requirement” they have. Looks. Personality. Whatever. 3. The timing is off. 4. Something is missing for them. We know this is somewhat vague, but understand that guys can compartmentalize sex and love. And to be very direct about it, a guy will crave sex with a woman who he thinks—or remembers— has a hot body, even if he isn’t attracted to her face. (We know, brutal. We even have a hard time saying it, but it’s worth it for you to know. And other women reading this.)

Questions: Is he just looking at pictures, or is he corresponding with any of these women? Do you have any details about the correspondence? That might help you assess. And us.

The red-flag here is the lying and sneaking around. That’s more our concern than him “creeping” about on his ex’s Facebook page. We don’t expect him to say, “Honey, just wanted to let you know that I’ll be checking out “so and so’s picture now.” But after getting busted he should have fessed up instead of trying to reverse things on you. And just because we say it’s normal, doesn’t mean it’s okay, especially since he knows it’s very upsetting to you. (We don’t blame you.) Ask him how he might feel if you were checking out all of your ex’s pictures? You have every right to feel suspicious, upset, confused, angry, and resentful. And he should be doing everything he can to prove to you that he loves you, and that his internet shenanigans are not a threat to you, and that he’ll stop. He’s not doing that, and that’s what bothers us. That’s the issue here. (Unless of course you find some damning correspondence, or find out he’s actually hooking up with some of these people.) At this point, that’s too hard to call.

So what do you think? What’s your plan? We think you need to get more information from him and find out what’s really going on. He needs to tell you directly WHY he is doing this. (We’d be interested in his response, and whether or not he tells you the truth.) And then the two of you need to figure out how you’re going to move forward from this. It’s possible you might need see a couple’s counselor to help you resolve this issue. We don’t think you should sweep it under the rug.

Let us know if you have any follow-up questions. Leave us your question/comment in the comments’ section below. Also, do us a favor? We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

THE GUYS

 

 

How do you move a relationship from online fantasy to reality?

Hey Guys,

A little background. I have been married to a guy for ten years and we separated last year. He was an athlete and was away from home a lot. He cheated over an over.

I have no idea how to date! I am athletic myself and have a real easygoing personality. I am pretty and have a degree in sports science, so I have a brain. I am a fun mummy. But I am standoffish. Or intimidating to some men.

I decided to go online dating and really found it difficult to trust anyone or anything they said. One guy kept coming into my radar.. And he is a coach. He is attractive; we connected when we started chatting. I was unsure about this site and my ex gave me a hard time about being on it. So I left. This ‘coach’ understood and we agreed to stay in touch via text.

We also stayed in touch through various coincidences. (Friends of mine knew him. I saw him on the beach. etc.)

I was attracted to him online, but now that I have seen him in person I am even more attracted to who he is. My friend laughed and said that it was unbelievable as I told her that was the guy I was having naughty conversations with online. (We started doing that.) I told him that I had seen him that day and that I knew his family and not to spook him too much, but I thought he was wonderful with the kids.

He replied and it was all good. Now we chat whenever but into our personal emails. He is away again. He turns me on so much sexually that I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. It’s words on a screen. But during this time I actually went on a date with someone else and he was attractive but when he wrote something remotely naughty it did nothing for me! When this guy—my e-friend—sends me something, both my body and mind respond.

And after all of that. We talk about our desires and he has mever been with a women that likes sex, or engages in outside sex. So I asked him if I was too much for him sexually. He says not at all. And I asked him if he ever wanted to meet for real and he said yes.

What do I want to do?  I left him with an email that said give me a message when you are back. I heard nothing for weeks. I know it’s preseason and unlike most women I get it. We chat til all hours and I’m sure he is as turned on as I am.

What are the chances that we will ever meet? Or is this just two people enjoying orgasms online?

Sue

Dear Sue,

Thanks for your question.

First of all there’s nothing wrong with mutually beneficial online sex as long as you’re both comfortable with it. And in some ways if that’s working for both of you, we wonder if you should even try to rock the boat? Fantasy and reality don’t always mix, and when you introduce reality into a fantasy world of your own creation you need to be prepared for almost anything, or nothing.

The reason he’s hesitating is that he’s not sure he wants to delve into the real world with you. Maybe he values what he’s getting from you now and doesn’t want that to change. But we can totally understand why you’d want to make the attempt to transition this relationship to the real world. It’s a natural progression really, and frankly, fantasy can only go so far.

So let’s try to stay positive. Let’s say he’s open to the idea. What needs to happen is the two of you almost have to start over. Because there’s no way you’re going to just transition from fantasy to reality like it was some natural progression. It’s not. That’s not to say it can’t work, but even just from a tactile perspective it’s going to be quite a change. Both of you in the same physical location may even feel a bit surreal. So we suggest taking it slow. Very slow. You may think to yourself that that is impossible considering your history, but we think that’s the way to go.

Start with. Coffee. Tea. Conversation. Lunch. Walks holding hands. A museum. A concert. Possibly a movie. Work your way up to dinner. And go from there. We know this approach may not work, but jumping from the “cyber sack” to the real sack is going to be a bigger leap than you think. The sex may be great, but once you start factoring in real emotions, expectations, real world schedules, things may get confusing and complicated. And if you’re both not committed to sorting through the confusion it’s going to feel like—pardon the computer analogy—a virus hit your emotional wiring.

What do you think? We’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment below or ask a follow up question.

And definitely keep us posted. We’re interested to hear how this turns out.

See below for other posts/video/info on online dating.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

Other questions about online dating: 

Online dating; should I move forward? 

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more? 

Online dating; am I booty call or more? 

Divorced and online dating

Videos about online dating: 

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

An ex that comes back and now has cancer

Hi There,

A year ago I met a man online by that certain website that ‘matches’ us. It was only a trial membership, but as the saying goes…’never say never’. Anyway, this man lives in N.Carolina and I live in Chicago. I winked at him apparently but I don’t remember that part. Let’s just call him John. John wanted to come to Chicago to meet me and I had some reservations due to the long distance. John travels for a living, and at that time I was kind of looking for someone who travels, as my job sometimes caused me to travel.

Now John and I are both divorced and both have a son. My son is older and my plans are to move from Chicago once my son graduates from high school. Fast forward. John and I had several obstacles due to our schedules and after three months he decided it was too hard and it was best to move on. I was devastated, more then I ever expected. I really started to fall in love with John. I know in my heart, he too felt the same, but was trying to be the good man that he is and be honest and told me it was best we move on and that he wished things could be different with our situation. He wanted to remain friends, and I couldn’t. It would be too hard for me. John was shocked about that.

So a year goes by and John reaches out to me. A whole year of my trying to move on and date other people. I had so much emotion when I finally saw his text that I had to control myself. It seems what I felt inside was still very much alive and buried deep, and even caught me by surprise. So it took me a while to reply to him. I made it clear that I wanted a relationship and that I deserved someone who wants me as much as I want them. He agreed we should see each other because he felt something was there, and that he was thinking of me. So we started to make plans for him to come to Chicago. In a time span of two weeks of planning to see each other, John calls me to tell me he had come back from the doctor and he has testicular cancer.  My heart sank. All I kept thinking is….he can’t die….there is no way this man came back into my life to die. So I stayed strong and did everything I could (from a distance) to be there and supportive.

Slowly…John started to sound depressed, and scared, and his demeanor became distant. He was dealing with work and family and me …out there far away. John had surgery and had a good prognosis of just needing radiation. This kind of cancer is curable, and he didn’t tell me what stage, but being in healthcare I know that him not having chemo was a good sign. The irony of all this is that my ex-husband also had testicular cancer. Just my luck. Only difference is that I love John far more then my ex-husband. So we had to push our meeting back until after his surgery.

On February 24 John came to Chicago, thin , frail and still healing only two-and-a-half weeks after surgery. To see me. He spent three days with me. He seemed not himself, for what I sensed what he was just going through. Conversations led to tears and past hurts he had from relationships that caused him great pain, and all of sudden his doubts and fears about hurt and trust were surfacing. After a year of not speaking, to this….I didn’t know what to think. I felt like he wanted to end things to do the noble thing…once again. Was it the cancer, was it me?

He wanted me back in his life, before he got diagnosed, so why now is he changing his mind? We basically said our goodbyes at the airport. He was crying and I think afraid that I told him I love him. At this point I had nothing more to lose to let him know. I know it probably made him scared but I don’t care. Do you think I will hear from him? All he kept saying is that he didn’t have the same strong feelings that I had for him. But initially before the cancer diagnosis, he felt something was there and when I told him I wanted a relationship, he agreed and wanted to see me. It all changed when the cancer happened. As sore as he was we did make love when he was with me. I believe that he loves me but is scared now. I can’t stop crying and I miss him so much. Could someone just not care just like that? I did email him to tell him that I still want to be with him and that I am there. No response. I dont know how to move past this. It’s like I am grieving and so worried about him.

Will I ever hear from him? Please help.

Concetta

Dear Concetta,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.

When someone is faced with a personal challenge—especially when it’s health related like cancer—they often try to surround themselves with the people they love for support. You certainly fall into this category for him. It’s not like he moved on from your relationship because he didn’t care about you, he just felt the whole thing was a bit too difficult to try and manage. But when he found out he had cancer, all of a sudden he realized how much he missed you in his life.

But what also happened is he ignored some of the other feelings he may have had—or not had—for you. Meaning, the emotional state he was (and is) in caused him only to remember what he missed about you, but when the two of you got together he realized that he doesn’t feel for you, they way you feel for him. He’s not ignoring you now because he doesn’t care; he’s ignoring you because he realizes to entertain any sort of dialogue with you would be leading you on.

We wish we could give you more hopeful news but that’s how we see it. The best thing to do is be there for him as a friend—if this is possible—and see how it goes. It is possible his past relationships are impacting his ability to move forward with you, but if he’s telling you he doesn’t feel how you feel, then all you can do is take him at his word. Remember, as much as you love him, you still don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you, as you feel about them.

Take care of yourself Concetta. Try and be strong. But you might really need to consider moving on, as difficult as that may be. Feel free to ask us any follow up questions. Leave us a note in the comments section. We’ll respond there.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

 

 

Divorced with kids: Why am I still single?

Guys,

Okay I am sure you have been asked this before. I am a seven years divorced mum of 3. I work and have a couple of social hobbies.   I am quite good looking so I’ve been told.  Yet not once in seven yrs have I been asked out. I tried the dating sites recently, met a few gents for coffee, and one stood out. So for a couple of months we got on really well. But then I found out he was still  meeting others on the site and had been all along.

Do I need to wear a sign saying I am available and want an honest, trustworthy gent.  They must be out there!

What am I doing wrong?

Tracy

Dear Tracy,

Thanks for your question.

We imagine that some of your difficulty stems from being a good mom. Probably a lot of your time—when you’re not working—you are helping your kids with homework, carting them around to their various activities, and generally spending quality time with them. And you probably don’t have a lot of time to go out socially. But in your case, you’re going to need to make an extra effort to get yourself out there.

We don’t think you’re doing anything wrong per se. Dating sites are a good way to meet people, especially for the busy, working person who has a lot of responsibilities. So we would suggest keeping your profile up to date. (Check out our videos on how to write a great profile on our Video Page) If you’ve already met one interesting person—although it’s unfortunate that he was untruthful—it’s likely you’ll meet someone else. (Hopefully this time a bit more open and honest.)

Tracy, you just need to get yourself out there. Say YES. Meaning, if you get asked to do things by your friends, just go, even if you’re tired. (And if you can get a babysitter.) Say yes to parties when you can, social events, parent meetings, whatever. It just sounds like you’re not meeting enough people. If you’re as cute as people say you are, you’ll attract attention just be getting yourself out there.

We realize full well how difficult it is to juggle being a single parent and an active social life, but let’s think of your situation from a business standpoint. Let’s say you were unemployed. What would you do? You’d update your resume, get yourself out there on LinkedIn, etc. and you’d start to network with people. You’d let friends know your were looking for a job, and you’d meet as many people as you possibly can. (Now don’t roll your eyes!) Dating is more similar than you might imagine. You have to put the word out there and let the network do some work for you.

Finally, guys WILL date single moms, but it’s a little more complicated sometimes. Some guys will be open to dating a woman with kids but they won’t be looking for a commitment. So it’s up to you to figure out who is for real and who isn’t. Check out some of our other posts on dating single moms for some more tips.

Divorced woman with kids dating a bachelor

Dating as a single mom

Will guys date single moms?

“Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

Online Dating: I ended the date early because I freaked out; but I really like him

Other questions about online dating: 

Online dating; should I move forward? 

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more? 

Online dating; am I booty call or more? 

Divorced and online dating

Videos about online dating: 

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

______________________________

Dear Guys,

I met a guy on an online dating website. I’m not a fan of endless emails going back and forth so I suggested we meet up the following week after having exchanged a couple of emails and phone numbers. For your information, he contacted me first.

I gave him a choice of either Thursday or Friday for our first meeting and he chose Friday. Because he was new in town, he asked me to suggest a place to meet. So came Friday, I met him outside the bar we arranged to meet at. He was very friendly and gave me a big hug. We decided to go to a coffee shop and grab a coffee instead of staying at the bar because it was too crowded there. He was very gentlemanly and offered to pay for my coffee when he saw that I had my wallet in my hand. We talked over coffee. He told me about himself, why he was here, what he did. It turned out that he had a very successful career in finance. I was very nervous the whole time because to be honest, I don’t usually meet guys like that. He was good-looking, very fit, very smart, and very well-off. There were times when I really didn’t know what to say and I’m sure I sounded like my IQ had dropped by 20 points.

After the coffee, I thought he might’ve gotten so bored of me that he wanted to leave. To my surprise, he asked if I wanted to go to a bar and get a drink. I said okay but all the bars in the area were busy on Friday night so I suggested a place that was great for talking, if he didn’t mind walking for about 20 minutes. He said he didn’t mind at all so we walked for 20 minutes to a place near where I work. All the time we were talking—he made a lot of conversation even when I was nervous and didn’t know what to talk about.

So we went to this bar near where I worked. He ordered a drink for me, asking me if I wanted my “usual” which was one of the things I told him about earlier when we were having coffee. (That I usually only drink Vodka Diet Coke.) We sat down and started talking again. We talked about a lot of random things, he told me about his family, his job. He was definitely trying to impress me during the conversation. When the conversation stopped—usually when I was nervous I didn’t know what to say—he would look at me and smile.

I think the physical attraction and chemistry was definitely there. He was very gentlemanly throughout the whole night – steered away from topics of sex, when he talked he sometimes lightly touched my arms, although I could sense he was trying to be “cautious” with the amount of physical contact. He never had his phone out of his pocket, except when I went to the bathroom; when he saw me coming back he put his phone away immediately. At one point I asked him what he liked about my profile, immediately he looked shy and embarrassed and he said that I was very pretty and also I looked like an interesting person with lots of interests and hobbies. I asked him how he found me now that he’s met me in person, whether or not he found me boring, and he said no and that he was having a great time. Then he asked me what I liked about him.

When my glass of drink was almost empty he asked me if I wanted another one but because I was so nervous I said no. He got himself another drink and we kept talking. At that point I realized he was the kind of guy I had always dreamed of, but never got to meet. I felt like I was having a panic attack because I was worried I might blow it by not being myself and then appear boring to him. So when the conversation stopped again, and he did what he usually did when I wasn’t talking, which was staring into my eyes and smiling, I said awkwardly “I think I’d better get going.”  He looked really surprised and disappointed. It was the first time in the night that his smile disappeared from his face. But he just said, “Okay let’s go.”

By that time, we had spent a little over three hours together; it was 10 o’clock. Outside the bar, he asked me which way I was headed and I told him I was headed to the station opposite to where we came. He gave me a big hug and said, “I’ll give you a call and we’ll hang out again.”

The next day he sent me a text after midnight (Sunday morning) that said “Last night was fun. Glad I got to meet you. Hope we can see each other again soon.” I texted him back the next morning, eight hours later and said, “I had a lovely time too, thank you, and would love to catch up again. I’m sorry I left abruptly on Friday, I was not feeling very well and slightly nervous.”

Now it’s Tuesday night and he still hasn’t text me back or called me. What should I do? I definitely felt there was a lot of chemistry between us but I was also worried that because he was such a smart and successful guy, I might not sounded interesting or smart enough for him.

Should I contact him if he doesn’t get back to me? Is he interested but worried that I’m not interested in him? I think that by telling him I was nervous I was basically telling him that I liked him. Or is he just plain not interested enough to ask me out again?

Chocobo

Dear Chocobo,

Thanks for your question and for your donation.

All signs tell us this guy is into you, at least from what you describe of your first date. Lightly touching your arm, remembering your favorite drink, smiling during awkward pauses, telling you that he thought you were pretty, wanting to extend the night as long as he could, texting you to let you know he had a good time, are all very positive signs. He definitely seems attracted and interested in you. In general we don’t see any issues on his side, well, except the fact that he didn’t walk you to your car, train, or transportation. Maybe he was feeling rejected, but we like to see a guy insist even if he’s feeling insecure. (Just something we had to say.)

We know that you were nervous, especially when you realized this guy was the kind of guy you had always dreamed of, but you need to stop letting your insecurities show. Obviously he’s attracted to you because he contacted you, and because of all the positive signs we noted above. And if a guy is physically attracted to a woman he is willing to give it some time to see if he is into her in other ways. Meaning, your occasional loss of words is certainly not a deal breaker. However your insecurity could be if you’re not careful. Please don’t ask him again if you’re boring. Do you think you’re boring? Probably not, right? So don’t assume he does. Let him make his own mind up. Boring to one person, is interesting to another. It’s all subjective, so there’s no need to put that out there.

Just because he’s an interesting and smart guy doesn’t mean he’s looking for someone just like him. Have you heard of Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences before? Basically Gardner says that people are smart in lots of different ways, and that there is not just one way to be smart. Just because this guy might know a lot about finance, or a variety of topics, and you don’t, doesn’t mean he’s smart and you’re not, or that you’re not good enough for him. If he judges you that way, then he’s not the kind of guy you want anyway.

“Chocobo,” just be yourself. That’s the most attractive quality a person can have. And frankly, you want him to fall for the person you are, not some projection of who you think he wants you to be.

Now to your questions. If he’s a confident guy he should contact you and ask you out again. You more than made up for your abrupt departure by letting him know you had a good time and telling him you were nervous. He should be able to pick up on that. If he doesn’t contact you this week, there’s nothing wrong with sending him another text saying you’d love to see him again. But we think you should wait it out this week. Text him next Monday.

One cautionary note: Hopefully he won’t wait until Thursday or later to ask you out for the weekend. He should be asking you out at least by Wednesday for a weekend date. Spur of the moment dates are great from Sun-Thurs, but not on a Friday and Saturday.

Chocobo—is that your nickname or a made up name?—we think you’ll get to see him again. Be patient. And hang in there. And please keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment—here in the comments section; we’ll respond here as well—or a follow up question if you see him again. Or ask us another question anytime.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Share on Twitter and Facebook. @TGPBuzz.

 

 

Online Dating: Friends with Benefits or something more?

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

Are we “Friends with Benefits” or does he want something more?

The Ex-Files; Friends with Benefits

I “cheated” on my “Friends with Benefits” and now he hates me

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I met this guy on an online dating site six months ago. We started dating but it didn’t last very long—about a month or so. We had a lot in common and a very strong physical attraction to one another but were having trouble communicating. (I’m extroverted and feel comfortable talking openly about my feelings and he’s introverted and never wants to talk about how he feels.) So he decided that we should stop seeing each other and that we needed to transition into a platonic friendship. He kept making it clear that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend because he cared about me a lot. I told him I needed space from him before I could start a normal friendship.

After just a week he emailed me saying he missed me and that he hoped I was doing okay. We started working on our friendship after that and decided to try hanging out as friends about a week later. We ended up in bed. We never talked about what happened.

Since then we have basically acted like a couple. We see each other regularly and text every day. I’m the first person he calls when he needs to talk or when something good happens that he’s excited about. He’s been there for me through some really tough times as well. When we go out for drinks or to the movies he always insists on paying. He introduced me to his entire family. When we part ways he always kisses me—on the lips if we’re in private and on the cheek when we’re in public. (We’re both not really into PDA.) When we sleep together it feels intimate. There’s a lot of kissing and cuddling afterwards, and he always asks me to sleep over. We’re basically each other’s best friend at this point and it really feels like we’re in a relationship. I don’t know what to call this though. I’m not sure if he has feelings for me or not. I know I have feelings for him. I want to bring up the possibility of us being “officially” together but I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not. The reasons why we didn’t work the first time no longer apply since we have gotten to know each other so much better since then and we communicate better.

I guess my primary questions are: is this typical FWB behavior, or does me like me? Do you think it’s safe to bring up being officially together?

Thanks!!

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for your question.

No this isn’t typical “friends with benefits” behavior, at least not from our experience. But each arrangement is different depending on how the two people set it up. Some people hang out a lot as friends and only have sex occasionally, maybe after a party where they’ve had a little too much to drink, or something similar to that. Some people might have a regularly scheduled night where they watch a favorite TV show together, get take out food and then do their thang. The variations are endless.

But your situation illustrates the inherent problem with a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Blurring the lines between friendship and intimacy often creates confusion—and we’d say more so for women. Men seem to be able to compartmentalize the physical and emotional more easily. For men these two realms are separate, and one does not necessarily impact the other. But for many women they are often deeply connected. It seems this is true for you.

So the question is, whether or not this is true for him.

From our vantage point it seems like he’s into you. He’s certainly acting like you are his girlfriend by paying for your evenings out, introducing you to his family, and engaging in more intimate gestures—cuddling, kissing—not always associated with FWB. But the only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it. So yes, it’s safe to bring up the topic, but that’s no guarantee you’ll get the answer you’re hoping for. But at least you’ll get some answer. We think it’s always better to know, rather than to wonder.

We know you’re worried that it might be too soon and that you’ll possibly scare him off. But here’s the thing Jenny. Guys usually know right away whether they want to be with a woman. Sure, your situation is slightly different since you were having communication issues early on, but guys certainly know right away if they’re physically attracted to a woman, which without, there is no relationship for a guy. So what that means is, more time together isn’t going to make him more into you than he already is. Trust us, he already knows how he feels, even if he “hems and haws” when you talk. And our rule of thumb is simple when it comes to having “the talk.” If you’re having intimate physical relations it’s not too early to talk about, and define, the relationship.

So we say go for it. And we very much hope it works out for you. (For both of you) But if he says he wants to keep it the way it is—a “friends with benefits” arrangement—at least you’ll have all the information you need to decide how you want to proceed.

We hope this helps. Please keep us posted. (Leave us a comment and we’ll respond back in the comments section.)

Please let your friends know about us. Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz 

And good luck,

THE GUYS

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

 

 

 

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Online Dating Part 3 – Writing a great online description

Scroll Down for Online Dating Part 2 and Part 1

Please share our videos with your friends. Subscribe to our  You Tube Channel!  Thanks.

More Videos to Watch:

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Guys are comfortable with conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

 

Video Script: 

Here is another profile we rewrote.

This is what we were sent.

Before:  

I love tennis. I try and play tennis 4 days a week and I’m looking for someone who is athletic and able to keep up. Other than tennis, I like reading, going for walks, good conversation and movies. I spend a lot of time with my grandchildren so the person I’m looking for must appreciate kids. It would be nice if you had kids yourself so we would have something to share. I have a good sense of humor and expect the same from the person I’m dating. I don’t like talking about the weather. I like to have meaningful conversations. I’m ultimately looking for a good partner who is young at heart and open to exploring new things.

After: (Our rewrite)

The two things I love doing the most are playing tennis and spending time with my grandchildren, and not necessarily in that order. Otherwise I would describe myself as a contrast in styles.

Smart humor engages me, but not at the expense of others.
I’m shy, but love to debate.
I can still run hard, but prefer a nice walk with a friend.
I have my own interests, but family is most important.
I’m a person of action, but love to read about other people’s lives.
Routines are great, but spontaneity appeals to me as well.
Small talk is not my thing, but mainly because the world is too interesting to talk about the weather.

So if this speaks to you, I would love to have a conversation with you. I only ask a few things: that you’re young at heart, curious, and still open to exploration. And it certainly wouldn’t hurt if you were a tennis player with a sense of humor!

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Online Dating Part 2 – Writing a great online description

Please share our videos with your friends. Subscribe to our  You Tube Channel!  Thanks.

More Videos to Watch:

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Guys are comfortable with conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

 

Script of Video:

Online dating began long before computers. It began at a time when the printed word ruled the media landscape, where a cloud meant rain and the net was a tool used to catch things. But back then online dating was called: The Personal Ads.

The personals were mostly found in an isolated back section of the newspaper clearly demarcated from the paper’s more journalistic endeavors. The personals WERE used by a few brave souls, but were mostly fodder for humorous discussion with friends at a bar, wondering aloud who these brave souls were, and why they were desperate enough to respond to a personal ad, or even worse, post one themselves.

However, the concept of the personal ad was solid, and with the advent of the net, Online Dating was created to replace the awkward experience of the personals. Today Online dating is universally accepted, used by millions of people worldwide, all hoping to find what they are looking for: Some sort of connection. However, not everyone has a successful experience with online dating.

Some blame surely belongs to the actual institution. And there will always be stalkers and predators manipulating and taking advantage of the system for their own gains. But part of the problem clearly lies with the normal every day user.

Too many people quickly throw together a profile that doesn’t help their cause. The pictures aren’t flattering, the description is flat, and the whole composite is poorly constructed. The key is to differentiate yourself. This is your dating resume. This is your one chance to pique someone’s interest. You gotta really go for it!

Here are some tips to help you set up a profile that will attract those paramours you so desire.

Step 1: It’s all about the photo. And by photo we mean just you. Not you with your dog, or pet gerbil, or even your kids. Your profile picture needs to give people a sense of you. For the guys out there, it’s not a bad idea to shave and put on a clean shirt. No hats, and definitely not sunglasses. For the ladies, find a picture that represents you in a flattering light. Sexy is okay, but even better, something demure that suggests that what’s underneath is sexy. And please be honest! Don’t put up a photo of you twenty years ago. Remember, the goal is to move beyond the screen to an actual Face-to-Face. At some point you will meet this other person. And if you look different from your online picture that clearly sends a message that you can’t be trusted. Not a great start.

One final note: Make sure the picture is actually you. 

Step 2: Write a fun, unique description. This is very difficult for most people. It’s hard to say great things about yourself without sounding conceited. But this is the second most important piece of the profile.

Here are some tips for writing a great description:

Stay Positive- Don’t say all things you don’t want about a person. Describe what you DO want in a partner. (Check out our videos on How to write a great profile. Part 2 and Part 3 of our Online Dating series.)

Create a Personality- Be you. Be unique. We want to know about you specifically. Don’t make it generic.

Make it fun- No one wants to date a stiff.

Be inviting- This means, just make it easy for someone to want to contact you. Don’t scare them away!

Make it Short -Be as economical as you can. We want to know about you quickly. If we like what we read we’ll want the longer version later!

Don’t give more info than is needed. If you don’t really care about religion or politics, then don’t list your religion or political party. Remember, it’s all about being inviting, so why limit your potential suitors?

Check out Part 2 and 3 of our online dating series. Coming this week!

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Online Dating Part 1- How to create a successful online dating profile

Please share our videos with your friends. Subscribe to our  You Tube Channel!  Thanks.

More Videos to Watch:

Also watch Online Dating Part 2 and Part 3

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Guys are comfortable with conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

 

Script of Video:

Online dating began long before computers. It began at a time when the printed word ruled the media landscape, where a cloud meant rain and the net was a tool used to catch things. But back then online dating was called: The Personal Ads.

The personals were mostly found in an isolated back section of the newspaper clearly demarcated from the paper’s more journalistic endeavors. The personals WERE used by a few brave souls, but were mostly fodder for humorous discussion with friends at a bar, wondering aloud who these brave souls were, and why they were desperate enough to respond to a personal ad, or even worse, post one themselves.

However, the concept of the personal ad was solid, and with the advent of the net, Online Dating was created to replace the awkward experience of the personals. Today Online dating is universally accepted, used by millions of people worldwide, all hoping to find what they are looking for: Some sort of connection. However, not everyone has a successful experience with online dating.

Some blame surely belongs to the actual institution. And there will always be stalkers and predators manipulating and taking advantage of the system for their own gains. But part of the problem clearly lies with the normal every day user.

Too many people quickly throw together a profile that doesn’t help their cause. The pictures aren’t flattering, the description is flat, and the whole composite is poorly constructed. The key is to differentiate yourself. This is your dating resume. This is your one chance to pique someone’s interest. You gotta really go for it!

Here are some tips to help you set up a profile that will attract those paramours you so desire.

Step 1: It’s all about the photo. And by photo we mean just you. Not you with your dog, or pet gerbil, or even your kids. Your profile picture needs to give people a sense of you. For the guys out there, it’s not a bad idea to shave and put on a clean shirt. No hats, and definitely not sunglasses. For the ladies, find a picture that represents you in a flattering light. Sexy is okay, but even better, something demure that suggests that what’s underneath is sexy. And please be honest! Don’t put up a photo of you twenty years ago. Remember, the goal is to move beyond the screen to an actual Face-to-Face. At some point you will meet this other person. And if you look different from your online picture that clearly sends a message that you can’t be trusted. Not a great start.

One final note: Make sure the picture is actually you. 

Step 2: Write a fun, unique description. This is very difficult for most people. It’s hard to say great things about yourself without sounding conceited. But this is the second most important piece of the profile.

Here are some tips for writing a great description: 

Stay Positive- Don’t say all things you don’t want about a person. Describe what you DO want in a partner. (Check out our videos on How to write a great profile. Part 2 and Part 3 of our Online Dating series.)

Create a Personality- Be you. Be unique. We want to know about you specifically. Don’t make it generic.

Make it fun- No one wants to date a stiff.

Be inviting- This means, just make it easy for someone to want to contact you. Don’t scare them away!

Make it Short -Be as economical as you can. We want to know about you quickly. If we like what we read we’ll want the longer version later!

Don’t give more info than is needed. If you don’t really care about religion or politics, then don’t list your religion or political party. Remember, it’s all about being inviting, so why limit your potential suitors?

Check out Part 2 and 3 of our online dating series. Coming this week!

 

Is this an Online Romance or an Online Booty Call?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more? 

Why did we really break up?

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Does this older guy like me?

Hi Guys,

So here’s the story. I met a guy online about a month and a half ago. We get along great and there is chemistry =) that I will not deny. But I have two problems:

1. Sometimes I feel like this guy is only in it for the sex. And by sex I don’t mean, I’m having cybersex with him. We talk on voice, and he masturbates while we do, and he isn’t afraid to show it either. He has been doing this since day one. He hasn’t asked me to do it and says he will never ask me for sexual favors over the internet. When I confront him, and say that this is all about sex for him, he gets angry over the fact that I doubt his intentions and he says that he feels sexually about me, only because he has feelings for me and cares about me. (I’m not sure if that makes any sense). Some of my guy friends have said that this guy could just be a very sexual person, others say that he’s definitely just killing time, cause if a guy truly liked a grl, he wouldnt be doing things like this.

2. My second problem is that this guy tends to vanish for days and sometimes 1-2 weeks without a word. I leave him an offline every 4-5 days and he doesn’t reply. And just when I’ve let go of hope that he’s coming back, he shows up again!! When I ask him, he tells me he’s been busy with work and doesn’t find time to come online and that he’s really, really sorry. Okay, maybe I should cut him some slack and assume he really is busy with work… but how hard is it to leave me an offline every couple of days? Or is that asking for too much? By the way, the longest he’s disappeared for has been 2 weeks straight.

Other random facts about this mess of a relationship: He talks about the future a lot. I’ve been told that’s a good thing. He has even brought up marriage. And he often says “when we’re married…..etc.” We live really far apart from each other, and that’s why this is so complicated for me, because it’s hard for me to know if he’s for real or not, cause I haven’t met him in person yet.

All I want to know is: Am I wasting my time on something that’s not worth it? And please ignore the pessimism in my message, I’m trying not to let it ruin the guy’s image, but truth be told I’m probably one of the most cynical people, when it comes to love and romance.

Thanks for taking the time to read and answer this. I appreciate it!

Jenna,

Dear Jenna,

Thanks for your question.

It’s hard for you to know what this guy’s true intentions are until you actually spend time together, face-to-face. But right now it’s all just “talk” on his part. Honestly Jenna, we don’t love what we see here. You’ve known this guy for 6 weeks and he masturbates during your conversations, and has since day one? And then he says he’s not just interested in sex? Who is this guy?

We typically don’t tell people what to do, but we’re going to have to say a big NO for this situation. This is not the kind of guy you want to get involved with. If he truly liked you, he’d want to get to know you; which means he’d be trying to figure out how to get together with you in person so he could learn more about who you truly are, rather than some fantasy talk about getting married down the road. This is the kind of situation that worries us about online dating in general, and raises many red flags.

Jenna, we don’t think you’re really okay with what’s going on here, or that this is the kind of relationship you truly want. We don’t get that sense from you.

Sure, guys love sex. (And it’s a good thing if a guy really wants to have sex with you.) But the fact that this guy unabashedly masturbates to your voice tells us he’s not interested in having sex with you specifically. If that were the case, once again, he’d be trying to figure out how to see you in person. (Actions speak much louder than words.) No, this guy is solely interested in the masturbation aspect of this. We wouldn’t be surprised if he’s doing this with other people too, especially since he disappears for days at a time. Sorry, we don’t mean to bum you out, but we can’t get on board with this at all.

Here’s our cynical side: We doubt he’s representing himself accurately. He could be anyone or anybody. And nobody we’d trust. We don’t see a future here with this man.

Here’s our positive side: We know there are a lot of great guys out there for you to meet. Don’t settle for this guy. You deserve to have someone who loves and respects you. Great sex will be part of that when it happens.

Good luck. We’re pulling for you, and only are being tough out of concern for you.

Please feel free to leave us a follow up comment and/or question. (Here in the comments section. We will respond here.)

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

 

Divorced and now online Dating: Am I booty call or more?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

I suggested Friends with Benefits; Did I just dig myself into a hole

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more? 

Why did we really break up?

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Hi Guys,

I’m in the middle of a divorce after 16 years of marriage. It’s been months since I’ve been with anyone. I decided to check out a dating website. I met this very nice looking man. (We are both in our mid 40′s.) It started with small talk and then we decided to meet up for dinner and talk. (It was strange for me.)

Turns out he’s been divorced for 7 years. We both have children and have busy work schedules but, we managed to meet each other and things went well. We said our goodbyes and a few days later we met again, just for a few hours. He came to my place and met my children and we talk and kissed some and that’s as far as it went.

He left town for a couple of days after that but we stayed in contact and he said he wanted to meet up when he got back. And of course, that’s what we did. So for the third date he ended up coming to my place and we had the place to ourselves. We ended up having sex, which by the way he said was nice and thanked me for it? I’ve never had a man tell me that before. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing?

Don’t know what to think or do?

Becky

Dear Becky,

Thanks for your question.

Jumping back into the dating scene after being married for a long time can be confusing on many levels, and maybe even a bit surreal at times. Sometimes the confusion stems from not being clear what the plan is. So what is your plan Becky? What do you actually want from a relationship? We’re not saying that you should know exactly what you want before you begin to date again, we’re just saying that once you figure it out, certain questions will be cleared up.

For example: If you’re just out to have a good time with no strings attached, it wouldn’t matter to you if not everything was clear between you and this guy. Meaning, you’d evaluate the facts only: you had a good time with this man. And you wouldn’t be wondering what he means by thanking you for sex. (Yes, that is a bit “different” but it’s not a bad thing. When is a Thank You a bad thing when the person actually means well?)

But if we really want to get into the nitty gritty of nuance we’d say that his “Thank You” seemed an appropriate thing to say since you did something very intimate together but he doesn’t really know you that well. It’s a response from someone who is trying to acknowledge the disparity between your “interaction” and your relative lack of interactions. Make sense? We think it shows a sense of awareness and caring not often displayed by guys. But it doesn’t mean anything other than that. He’s not necessarily saying he wants to have a relationship, nor is he saying he doesn’t want to see you again. The two of you would actually have to have a discussion about those topics. (If you wanted to that is.)

Our advice to you is figure out what you want out of dating right now. (This will likely change.) Once you figure out what you’re looking for, find someone who wants the same thing. (It could even be this guy?)

But for now, it seems like you’re having a good time. Enjoy it.

Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. (In the comments section here.)

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take some time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

 

Online dating: Should I move forward?

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

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Hi Guys,

I am 37 and a mother of 2 kids. I have tried online dating which I am not so comfortable with.  Nonetheless, I tried it and have exchanged messages with different people from different parts of the world, but all just short notes. One time I received several nudges and winks from a guy with no profile picture.

For no reason at all, I decided to write and send a note. He sent me a message and we started chatting. Fortunately, the guy is extremely gorgeous and a real nice guy. He has showed sweetness and interest in me but on other days, I don’t feel it.  We’ve been chatting day and night for about a month now. Sending messages and talking on the phone. He is in Canada and I am in Asia. He does say that he will come here, but he doesn’t really tell me the purpose of meeting me. He says he will come to my country (he really adores women in our country) grab a girl and marry her, but of course the chemistry should be present.  He’s 38 and I am 37, and he said he want someone younger because he still wants to have kids. So this is really confusing me. I do like him. We do have chemistry; we enjoy our talks, we have something in common, we believe in the same things—morals, values—but it’s really puzzling me.  I don’t want to fall in love. We have not met which is crazy but I guess I really like how he is—not just the looks.

Should I stop?  or should I just go with the flow?  Should I show I am interested in him?  We do call each other with different words of endearment but that’s about it.  He never said he likes me, but he would always say I’m pretty and he seems happy whenever we talk.  Please, I need a guy’s perspective on this.

Thanks!

Single Mom

Dear Single Mom,

Thanks for your question.

While online dating has become very common, and in some cases successful, it’s still the wild frontier, especially in your situation where the two of you live in different countries. We would tread slowly and carefully with this person.

The first red flag is he doesn’t have his picture up with his profile. You say he showed you one after you started chatting, but you do realize he could have shown you a picture of anyone and you wouldn’t have known the difference? That’s not to say it isn’t a picture of him, just that the possibility is there that it’s not.

He’s also said he wants someone younger so he can have his own kids. Has he said anything about your age, or the fact that you already have two kids? Is he interested in taking on the responsibility of being a step-father? You need to have a much more in-depth conversation about this topic. Our sense is he wants someone even younger without kids.

We think you’ve got a lot of talking to do if you’re really going to be serious with this person. You need to find out more about who he is. What are his previous relationships? What does he do for work? Does he have friends? What’s his family like? What are his interests? Where does he stand on religion, politics, etc.? Then, you need to discuss the bigger topics like what you both are looking for in a partner.

We know it’s exciting to start talking with someone new, especially if you’re attracted to them. (At least the picture he showed you.) But at some point you’ll have to actually meet him, and get to know him on a day-to-day basis. And when you do, you’ll have to get to know him all over again. And that’s the biggest drawback with online dating. Sometimes the person you fall for via text, email, or phone, is actually very different from the person you finally meet.

We don’t see a problem with moving forward, but honestly he seems like he’s still out there looking. So if you do decide to keep exploring this, please be careful.  You need to get to know him in person before you jump into something more serious, or actually visit him. In fact he should be the one visiting you if he’s truly serious about being in a relationship with you. And when he does, he should probably stay at a hotel or some other place of your choosing just to give you some space from him. (You could have him stay with a guy friend of yours, or a brother or something.)

But our gut tells us he is still surveying the landscape, and still on the lookout.

Best of luck to you,

THE GUYS

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Help me understand why my boyfriend is on an online dating site

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Getting Played: Trust your Gut

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a three to four week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.)

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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Breakup then friends: What’s he thinking?

Break up confusion: Why did you do this?

Four years of confusion

Should I break up with my video game playing boyfriend?

Guys,

My boyfriend and I have only been together for a couple of years now and recently I caught him on a horny match online dating sight. I was shocked and hurt, knowing that the both of our previous partners had cheated and we had always told each other that we would never do that. I know that snooping is never a good thing but I went on his email site to find out that he had registered on an online dating site looking for women. I waited a few days before I confronted him. He said he was looking for something on one of the search engines when the online dating site popped up. He said that he was just curious about what it was and that he wanted to look at naked girls. I told him that was considered cheating. He then apologized to me and now he keeps telling me that he loves me and tries to kiss me and hold my hand, but I am hurt beyond belief . I am head over heels for him and I do want to believe and forgive him but I just can’t get over this.

Please help me understand. Please tell me honestly if I should keep this relationship going. Am I over reacting?

Gina

Dear Gina,

Thanks for your question.

You might be overreacting. You might not be. Let’s try and figure this out.

Looking at naked girls isn’t cheating in our minds, but it sure doesn’t help build trust if he does it without your knowledge. Guys are visual creatures, and we like looking at women. And if we’re being completely honest, we definitely fantasize about the women we’re looking at, especially if we’re attracted to them—the naked part helps a lot with this. We’re not saying he should tell you his every move, but we also don’t think you should be completely unaware of his dalliances.

Basic rule: Guys, whether they’re happy in their relationship or not, will look at nude photos—or more—if they can. Try not to take it personally even though it feels hurtful.

However, it’s an entirely different matter if he was on this online dating site, trolling for women to hook up with. That would be considered cheating in our minds, even if nothing ever happened, and certainly would be cause to question the entire relationship. Because if he’s happy with your relationship he absolutely should not be on an online dating site unless of course he’s doing research for an upcoming article he’s writing, which we doubt.

But one question that’s bothering us is: What made you want to snoop in his email inbox in the first place?

If you haven’t already, you need to sit down with him and talk about this. Find out why he did what he did, and have it be part of a general discussion about your relationship: where it is now, where it’s going, what does he want, what do you want? The best way to handle these types of situations is to gather information and then evaluate after everything is out in the open.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment. Join us on Facebook. Join our YouTube Channel.

My man is still online dating

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed. And relationship videos coming soon.

Thanks so much.

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Confused: I don’t understand this guy’s behavior?

Dear Guys,

K, my boyfriend of two years was on dating sites the entire relationship. I caught him a few times and he said he canceled them and they were old accounts. So, I reactivated his accounts and the registration dates showed he only canceled after I dumped him. This was only in January when I dumped him. We reunited in February and he has not reactivated them since, but seriously, he was on there the whole frickin time! And he made it out that I was all insecure. We even went to a counselor!!! Also, the ideal match he was looking for was young enough to be his child and was completely different than me.

So, why is he with me if his dream girl is so different?

I am confused, and tired of being the one who is insecure and soooo hurt.

Thanks,

Desire

Dear Desire,

Thanks for your question.

We can totally see why you’d be upset by this. Not only was he sneaking behind your back, he also lied about it, and then tried to make it look like you were insecure. This is a trifecta of bad behavior.

Just because his dream girl is different than you doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not into you. Guys often desire women who are different than the woman they are with, just for variety’s sake. It sounds cold, but it’s true. However, not every guy is going to act on his impulses like your man did. It’s okay for men to have fantasies—women have them too—but only as long as the fantasies don’t start to creep into real relationships—unless the fantasy involves both partners, and is mutually agreed upon.

Your man should not have been trolling for dates while the two of you were intimately involved, physically and emotionally. This kind of behavior is not okay.

Desire, you need to take a hard look at this relationship. Are you getting what you need? Or is it just causing you to feel more and more insecure? Your guy should be making you feel great about yourself. He should be loving, supportive, respectful, and kind. From what you say, he’s been none of those things. So why did you get back together with him? What makes him so attractive? Because you’ve got a lot of things missing here.

You deserve to have someone who treats you with respect, and someone you trust. Obviously if you’re reactivating his online dating account, you don’t trust him at all. And as you know, a relationship can’t thrive and grow without trust. So you need to figure out if this man can earn your trust again. Be true to yourself, and be honest with yourself. Only you can make that call.

Best of luck,

THE GUYS

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Online dating question

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

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Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Hi guys,

I recently came across your Podcasts and I wanted to let you know that I really enjoy and appreciate what it is that you guys do. It’s refreshing to hear from men that can seriously answer questions from women without a bunch of high-fiving and smart comments!

So here’s my question… About 3 years ago I was in a relationship with a man who died unexpectedly. We hadn’t been dating that long but I was still pretty shaken up by the experience and have been a little gun-shy about dating since then. A friend of mine suggested that I give on-line dating a try so I did. After having a profile up for a few weeks I started corresponding with a man which eventually moved into talking on the phone. He lived one town over so we decided to get to know each other a bit before committing to a visit. I felt like we were really hitting it off… we would talk sometimes for 3-4 hours at a time, always laughing and having conversations that I really enjoyed. We talked on the phone every night for about 10 days in a row when we started to make plans to meet. I was really excited about the possibilities and just knew in my heart that I would get along really well with this guy. Then, one night during our conversation he asked me why I wasn’t currently in a relationship so I told him about what had happened with my last boyfriend. He was very nice, acted like it was no big deal and even offered to listen if I ever wanted to talk about it. So we said goodnight soon after and I went to bed. After that I never talked to him again… I received a few text messages but eventually those died off as well. Needless to say, I was disappointed but I tried to take it in stride. I realize that not every person that I meet or talk to is going to be interested in me.

My question for you guys though… do you think that revealing to this guy that my last boyfriend had passed away could have scared him off? Should I not tell people that I meet in the future about it? I try not to make it a big deal but it does affect how I think about relationships, so I want to be upfront, but I don’t want men thinking that I have a ton of emotional baggage either. Also, I know that you can’t read his mind but could you try to give me some kind of insight into what he could have been thinking? I’m trying to be practical about this but it still hurts when you think that you’ve connected with someone and they disappear.

Thanks again for all that you do!

Megan

Dear Megan,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry to hear about your ex-boyfriend. Whether you knew him a month or ten years, it’s never easy to have someone die, especially unexpectedly. But you still sound open to beginning a new relationship, even as you deal with the loss. So that’s a positive moving forward.

We think it might have been too soon to tell this man about your past. Not all men are going to be spooked, but he definitely was. We’re curious how you told the story, or how you plan to tell it in the future? Your instincts are good about being open, and not hiding your past, but there’s a time and a place for everything. And there’s also a HOW. Since we don’t know the details on what happened with your ex, we can’t say what the best way to approach it is, but we will say there’s definitely many ways to tell your story, and you have to think carefully about the best way to open up. And of course you’ll have to modify it for each person, since everyone is different.

Now as far as WHEN to say something: If someone asks you again why you are single, just tell them you’ve been in a few relationships that didn’t work out and leave it at that. You’re not lying, you’re just holding off on a few details until things are a little more solidified with the new person. And by that we mean going out on actual dates over a few months or so.

Unfortunately you’ve acquired baggage from your past. Like people who are divorced, or those with kids, you now come with a more complex bag of “stuff” than the average single person. Of course you don’t mention how old you are, so we assume you are younger than most “widows,” which might be the reason this guy got spooked.  Guys don’t expect to hear about ex-boyfriends dying if they meet a girl in her twenties, thirties, and maybe even forties. And it’s definitely enough to cause him to bolt because he assumes you’ll be coming with a lot of emotional baggage, as you feared. But once again, only because it was too soon to tell him, and because he didn’t know you beyond your conversations on the phone. He pictured you as this fun loving, smart, sexy woman, and after you told him about your past, that perception changed. The fun loving piece was likely replaced by a much more serious image of you, which he wasn’t ready to deal with. We’re sorry. It isn’t fair, and isn’t cool, but at least you’ll know moving forward that you have to be a bit more protective of your past, at least at the beginning.

And finally just to reiterate, think about how you want to deliver this message to someone new. Ultimately the right person will accept you for who you are, and what you bring to the table.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment. And let your friends know about us.

 

 

 

TGP Episode 12: No Fly Zone

Are we the only ones: Auto Replay….the never ending song.

Hot or Not: Online Dating, Lady Gaga, Facial Hair, Winter, Katy Perry, Kindle and other E readers. (We give our rating)

Listener Voice Mail: Do you find me…..sexy?

Thanks for listening!

Please check us out on itunes and Zune, or on our website. Subscribe and give us a five star review and be in the running for a piece of merchandise.

THE GUYS

[display_podcast]

The online guy

Dear Guys,

I was on an on-line dating website and this man sent me a message asking if I was interested in meeting him.  I responded to him two days later and he said sorry but he was going off the site because he met someone else and  was going to ask her to be exclusive. I wished him well.

Three weeks later he contacted me again asking if I was still interested in meeting.  I asked what happened and he just blew it off saying things happen and it was no big deal.  So we met and began a relationship rather quickly seeing each other almost everyday.  Then without any warning he sent me an email at work  saying he was going back to his longtime girlfriend whom he never mentioned. He seemed really into me and I was shocked that he would be so cold as to end things by an email to my work.

It was only several weeks that we dated, but  I’m feeling rejected and confused by his behavior.  I’d appreciate any advice or opinion on this situation.

Thank you,

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for writing. We’re sorry about your situation. This guy’s erratic behavior is a sure sign that he’s not who he says he is.

In the excitement of meeting someone who’s charming, good looking, interesting, or whatever, you ignored some not-so-positive signs that told you a different story. The fact that he said he was going to be exclusive with someone else not more than two weeks prior, should have told you something wasn’t right. And the fact that his explanation to you was less than satisfactory was also a red flag. These together tell us that he’s either very confused, or he’s a player, and we’re going with the latter.

Don’t beat yourself up over this, but just be aware for the future. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment if there’s chemistry. But next time, think yellow light, and proceed with caution, especially with online dating. It might be a good idea to first get to know someone face-to-face before you jump in too deep.

We know this situation is sad, confusing, and frustrating for you, but truly this guy is not worth it. He’s got his agenda, and it’s all about him. He’s not the type of guy you’d want to have a long term relationship with anyway.

So chalk it up to experience and move on. Next time keep your eyes open a tad more. We’re not saying be suspicious of everyone, just don’t go so fast until you really know whom you’re dealing with.

Good luck, and write us anytime.

THE GUYS

ps. If you haven’t checked out our podcast, please do. You can find it on itunes at: The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. Subscribe and spread the word. Thanks!