The Space for Growing Up

“The Space for Growing Up” by Saelen Ghose  Read it online at: The MetroWest Daily

One of my favorite activities—although I can hardly call it an activity since it requires no apparent physical effort on my part—is to sit and watch my kids play, especially when they are totally unaware of my gaze, and interest. This is when I get I get to see them be real. I get to see how they apply their ever growing set of experiences to the world. I get to watch them be completely independent of me and my endless sharing of “rights and wrongs” and “dos and don’ts.” I get a glimpse of who they are, and who they might become. It’s fascinating.

Last week I sat on a bench, amidst a park of laughing kids, next to a man-made pond bubbling with the constant whir of a small fountain, providing a backdrop of white-noise, which allowed me to tune out the world and become lost in thought as I watched my son play basketball.

I observed him working through his routine—formulated and fine-tuned to get himself ready for actual games. But today he was improvising, trying variations on his moves, and throwing in some made-for-TV moments as well. I enjoyed watching him, especially because I could see how much he was basking in his own space, free from his siblings, his mom, and me.

But then a young girl about his age—he’s going into sixth grade—stepped on the court. I could see they were having a conversation of sorts. My son paused for a moment and then threw her the ball so she could shoot as well. I smiled, making some mental notes. He is willing to share. Check. He is open to new people. Check. Although his routine was now altered, he was willing to go with it. Hmm. Ability to improvise and be comfortable with change. Check, check. Empathy. Triple check.

However, he didn’t quite know what to do when a third player—another young girl— entered the mix, requesting the ball, but then not returning it. I laughed to myself as I watched him assess the situation and try to figure out the best way to let this new person know, that in fact the ball was actually his, not hers; and that he was actually doing her a favor by sharing. And then, a sudden, but not unfamiliar feeling came over me, and caused me to squirm on my bench. I wanted to step in and fix it. I wanted to explain to the young girl how she should be acting. I wanted to solve my son’s problems for him, even though he was hardly in a bind. Luckily, before I could take action—I really hadn’t planned on actually doing anything—my wife, who was now sitting next me, put her hand on my arm and said, “It’s alright. He’ll figure it out.”

And lo and behold he did. Well actually it became a moot point, because both girls quickly lost interest and went back to swinging on the swings. But this small and innocent occurrence got me thinking. Maybe I needed to take a hard look at my initial impulse. Why did I feel the need to step in? Was it me entirely, or did I feel my son needed to be a bit more savvy, or maybe even a bit tougher to be able to deal with the inevitable altercations that awaited him on playgrounds, school hallways, ballfields, or other basketball courts?

I don’t think of myself as a “helicopter parent” but I do think I’m probably too involved in the minutia of my kids’ lives. Part of this stems from being a stay-at-home dad, holding down the fort while my wife works her full-time gig. But the other piece stems from my own fears of the world. When I look back at some of the things I did as a kid I shake my head and say to myself, “There is no way I’d ever let my kids do half the things I did.” Of course these “things” informed and educated me to the ways of the world, and I emerged relatively unscathed, and far better for having experienced them.

As I sat mulling over my memories, I made a pact with myself. It was time to toughen up my son, and in turn toughen up my resolve to not let my fears get in his way. It’s his life, not mine. And the day I actually allow myself to get off the bench and intervene in his world, I’ll forever lose that special space where I have the freedom to observe, without him being aware of my presence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The big kid in town

“The big kid in town” by Saelen Ghose 

Read in one of the many Gatehouse Newspapers. 

There’s a kid in town. He’s big. Bigger than all the other kids. And better, at least at sports. And he’s everywhere. There he is, pitching in a baseball game, looking like Gulliver in the land of the Lilliputians, his stride so long it’s almost as if he’s handing the ball to the catcher instead of throwing it. And there he is again, in the gym, literally dunking as a sixth grader. Everywhere I go, he’s there. Swimming in record times, dodging linebackers, hitting topspin forehands for winners. The kid can do it all. But what makes him extra special is that he’s also one of the nicest kids in town.

In this day and age, when being mildly athletic seems to give some kids—and their parents—a free pass to act petulant and entitled, this kid is more than a breath of fresh air; he’s like a spring thunderstorm that cleanses and rejuvenates the world, allowing everything to reach its full brilliance. He certainly makes me want to be a better father.

How does he do it? First of all he’s humble, but not in a “I know I’m better than you, so I can be humble” kind of way. He actually is truly a modest kid. And he’s polite. Since I was his baseball coach I had a front row seat to all his exploits, which usually included a home run or two while he pitched a shut out. When the game was over, as the other kids would leave the field focused on their individual stats and happy to have gotten a few bloop hits, he would come over to me and say, “Thanks coach.” And give me a big smile with a mouth full of braces‚ braces that reminded me he was only twelve.

As the spring season plodded along I got to wondering about this kid. Who taught him how to behave like this? How did get to be so mature for his age? (And I’m not talking physically mature.) I’m going to give credit to his parents, although I’ve never actually met them. The few times I thought I saw them, they disappeared so quickly that I later wondered if it was only my imagination, like seeing a bobcat in the wild. One minute you swear it’s there and a moment later all you see is a few low-cut branches blowing in the warm summer air.

Whoever his parents are I think they’ve got the blueprint on how to raise a kid the “right” way. Enough so that, I think they should write a manual with chapters entitled: Hubris vs. Humility; Polite Isn’t Only for Pushovers; The Tao of manners; and so on. Sure, maybe it’s easier to instill these positive qualities when your kid is naturally gifted at so many things; and I understand that if you don’t have to spend your time teaching your kids the basics, maybe it’s easy to teach them all the other things they need to know about life. But maybe not. He could easily have gone the other way, and turned into one of those boys you hope your daughter never meets, and even more, hope she doesn’t fall for.

For me, he’s an accessible role model for my kids. And I love him for that. My kids are getting close to that age where all of a sudden I actually can do some wrong—a lot of the time. So instead of me lecturing them about something that they’ll just roll their eyes at, I say, “Look at (his name). He’s the best player in the league, but he supports his teammates, picks up the equipment, thanks his coaches, and always has something positive to say.” And this goes such a long way with my kids. A lot further than me saying, “When I was your age, this is how we did things.”

So my column this month is my way of saying thanks to this kid’s parents, since I don’t often roam the forests and may never get a glimpse of their hideout. But from the bottom of my heart, here’s a big thank you for providing me with a role model for my kids. Someone I can reference at a moment’s notice for almost everything they care about. What a gift!

All I can hope is that wherever they are, they get this paper delivered.

When a child’s best friend moves away

“When a best friend moves away” by Saelen Ghose

Read in one of the many Gatehouse Newspapers. 

_____________________________________

My daughter cried in my arms when I told her her best friend was moving to California this summer. As her quiet tears dropped onto my shoulders I realized I didn’t have the words that would comfort her. I only had words an adult might understand. New job. New opportunities. New adventure. Change. But those words fall flat to a girl who just turned eight; a girl who’s shared many of her childhood adventures with her best friend of five years.

As I held my daughter I remembered vividly when my best friend moved away in second grade. I cried then. A lot. Granted, he only moved a few towns over, but it was never the same for us. No more jumping on his bed as we rocked out to the Rolling Stones’ “Jumping Jack Flash.” No more lego fights in his attic. No more neighborhood Kick the Can games under the late evening summer light. No, he would move away after his mother remarried to a mansion filled with rooms that were off limits to kids, and the limitations of a grammar school friendship would only amplify as the months passed.

Losing a friend at such a young age, let alone a best friend, is like experiencing death for the first time. Because the staying in touch part is hard, controlled by adults who have busy lives and know that even with much effort, these early friendships often fade as kids make new friends to fill the void. I know my daughter senses this inevitable outcome even if she can’t express it because I can read the pain on her face. And seeing my kids in any sort of pain—especially the kind of pain that can’t be fixed with ice cream and a movie—is difficult.

And really that’s what it comes down to: pain. As parents we know that our children’s lives will be full of ups and downs, victories and losses, and people coming and going. Good is so inextricably tied to bad that no matter how much we might try, we can’t prevent life’s altercations from happening. They are part of the human experience. Okay, that’s fine and dandy, but no parent signs on for this. I surely didn’t.

It’s a fine line between protecting your child and inhibiting their growth. It’s a subtle balance between giving them the freedom to express their evolving opinions and at the same time teach them what’s appropriate and what’s not. And my wife and I  constantly ask the question: When is the right time for our kids to try this new experience? This question seems to pop up time and time again. Are our kids mature enough to see “The Hunger Games” or some other movie that involves questionable content? Are they responsible enough to bike or walk to school on their own? Are they ready to have some sort of portable music player or a cell phone?

All parents are faced with these questions, and all parents make the best decisions they can with the information they have in front of them. And with these decisions more questions get asked. Is my child mature enough to handle this situation? If I let her participate will she be impacted emotionally by this experience? What will my child learn from this experience? If my child doesn’t participate will she be ostracized from the group? Am I putting my child in danger somehow? Parents are constantly weighing the pros and cons of the many decisions they have to make throughout each day, each week, each year. Some we get right, and some we don’t.

But these are only the experiences we can control to a certain degree. The bigger problem arises from all the experiences that are out of our control. That’s when we just have to stand by and observe. And that’s when we sometimes have to watch our children feel pain.

I’ll be doing that this summer when my daughter and her best friend say their goodbyes. When that happens I’ll do what every jazz musician learns to do throughout the course of their studies. I’ll improvise as best I can. And then offer the comfort of my shoulder and a lap to cry on.

From THE GUYS: Please leave Saelen a comment. Or leave your own thoughts on the topic. Thanks!

Breaking free from parents

Read the article in one of the Gatehouse Newspapers. 

“Breaking free from parents” by Saelen Ghose

We live on a cul-de-sac, which is neither significant or insignificant, except that after the school bus picks up my kids, it has to to go up the hill, pick up a few more kids, and then swing right back past my house. At which time, my two youngest kids wave to me with their little faces pressed against the window so it looks as if they are only that: two floating heads and four detached hands. To me, this is a highlight of my crazy morning, because it means that at least two out of my three children aren’t completely embarrassed of me yet, and in fact are actually happy to see me standing there every morning for our departing ritual.

I’m still puzzled about my oldest son’s behavior though. Not only does he not wave, but he does his best to disappear into the swarm of kids so I can’t even see him as the bus drives by. I mean I understand that he wants to be more independent and I realize that he’s approaching twelve—which puts him smack in the middle of the pre-teen years—but really? He’s not that old. And frankly, I thought I was different. I thought I somehow got an exemption. I mean, I’ve showed him how to do all sorts of hip things. Things that he actually uses, and things that his friends also think are hip. Like how to throw properly, how to do a nasty crossover dribble, how to use his hips for power when he swings a baseball bat, and how to ride a Ripstick. We also love the same movies. We laugh at a lot of the same jokes and we really enjoy our conversations when we’re alone. So what could I possibly be doing wrong? How did I traverse to the land of square parents who can’t do or say anything right? It’s a mystery to me.

Of course, I remember being mortified by my own parents. All they had to do was get within a football field of me and I’d start getting sweaty palms. One of the most memorable infractions occurred during a few of my high school baseball games. My mom would take it upon herself to stand behind the backstop while I was up to bat and give me hitting tips. I know she had good intentions, but talk about embarrassing. This “tutoring session” would no doubt give the umpire a good chuckle and the catcher a knowing look that said, “I feel for ya buddy. But I’m glad it’s you, not me.”

Pre-teens are just beginning to break free from their parents. They want to feel like they have some control over their own decisions. They want to be treated like adults even if their brain development is lagging far behind their quickly maturing bodies.  Basically, they want to be autonomous. But does that really mean they have to discard the people who love them the most during this time of self-actualization?

My wife was lamenting about this during halftime at a recent basketball game. She said she tried to talk to our oldest son before the game started and instead of getting a smile and a hello, she got a scowl as he turned his back. Yes, I’ll be talking to him about this later, but I reminded her that he cares so much about what his friends think that he can’t figure out how to balance fitting in, with being polite to his mom.

I get a bit more leeway than his mother, since I seem to know a thing or two about the things he cares about, but it’s also painfully clear to me that no matter how cool I think I am, how hip, or how current I am, it’s not possible for me to stay cool during this period in his life. As all my kids search to discover who they are, and who they want to be, my wife and I are pretty much standing in the way of their goals, at least in their eyes.

For now I’ll keep waving as long as my two younger kids wave back, because every day I remain a “cool dad” to them is a victory for me. But the more I think about it, the more I want to keep waving even if they don’t wave back. Because I know that someone on the bus will wave to me. Some delicate little kindergartner who misses their mommy or daddy will see me waving and wave back, believing my gesture is meant for them. Our newly formed relationship will be mutually beneficial. I will make them feel more relaxed as they head to their busy day at school, and they’ll serve as a channel for me to send love to my own kids. Because I know that somewhere on the bus my kids will be observing this interaction and will be happy that I’m standing there, giving them support even as they push me away.

Join Saelen on Twitter: @saelenghose

 

 

 

 

He’s not involved with the baby; is my marriage over?

Dear Guys,

I am in need of some advice. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for almost 2 years. But we have been having some problems for a while now. I have felt us getting further and further away from each other, and it’s to the point now where we are both very unhappy. I am 30 years old and he is 26. I have a 9 year-old son from a previous relationship, and we have a 5 month-old son together.

My husband and my older son used to have a good relationship, but they no longer do. They argue constantly. When it comes to our infant son, my husband barely has a relationship with him, saying that he doesn’t do well with babies. He can’t handle the crying, he doesn’t want to hold him, and he doesn’t do poopy diapers. He won’t change a diaper unless I make him. And so far his main involvement is to make an occasional bottle or giving him his pacifier. (This was a planned baby that we tried to conceive for 3 years.) And I really feel like we are not a team in any aspect of our relationship whatsoever.

Also, my husband is a huge gamer, spending most of his time on his computer. This was known before we got married, but has not gotten any better since expanding our family. Our quality time together is watching a TV show together and then he goes back to his game. He has his friends stay at our house on an almost daily basis, sometimes staying for weeks at a time. When I tell him that this bothers me, he says I need to accept that that is the way it is. I am forced to clean up after grown men more than my own children.

When I try to talk to my husband about how I feel or about something that bothers me, it always turns into an argument where he makes me feel guilty by saying I am never happy and that he can never do anything right and that I am always mad about something. Our sex life is non-existent. He claims that he just has a very low sex drive, though he has been busted taking care of things on his own numerous times. He then blames me for it  saying that all men do that and that I shouldn’t expect him to have sex with me every time he’s in the mood. That it’s just easier to do it on his own.

I have asked him to seek couples counseling and he says that I am the one with the problem so I should go to counseling. He thinks if we go to counseling they will blame everything on him and he doesn’t want to do that. I am to a point where I don’t feel like I can talk to him about anything without it turning into a fight. I am starting to have thoughts about getting my own place because I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. If feels more like him and his friends house than our families house. I am getting very depressed and it’s starting to take a toll on my health. I don’t know what to do to make this right. But something needs to change.

How can I get through to him?? How can I get my husband back and our marriage back on track?

Misty

Dear Misty,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re having a difficult time right now.

Let’s start with the issue around your baby. Yes, you and your husband are a team and it would be nice if he were more involved with taking care of his son. But some guys take a while to feel connected to their newborn; and until they can actually DO something with their kid they just aren’t sure of where they stand in the picture. It’s hard to give, give, give and get absolutely nothing in return except constant crying and more pooping. Remember, you’ve already connected with your child because you carried him in your womb for 9-10 months. Your husband is still trying to figure out where he stands with his son.

He also might be feeling overwhelmed by the fact that he’s now a father and he realizes all the responsibilities that come with being a father. He might not be showing how he feels but he’s definitely feeling something. But instead of dealing with his feelings and trying to understand what’s going on, he’s avoiding everything and instead acting like a kid himself, playing games with his buddies, and generally rejecting the notion that he’s now a parent. He needs help with this.

Why don’t you try involving him in different ways for a start? Instead of getting upset at him about not changing diapers or feeding his kid—although we agree that he should be involved with that—ask him to rock his boy to sleep. Or ask him to take his son for a walk with a baby backpack. (A front facing pack is extra sweet.) Try to make him see that his son needs a father as much as he needs a mother. Help your husband see how important he is to his son.

Your other issues are also likely connected to the birth of your new baby. Some guys freak out over the thought of their wife giving birth. Up until this point he’s viewed you as a sexual being. (We’re not saying that’s all he views you as but you understand what we’re saying.) And if he was present in the delivery room, he might be having a hard time transitioning back into seeing you as the woman he was/is attracted to instead of a birthing machine. This experience affects a lot of guys and usually fades after a time.

What can you do?

We think you should sit down and write him a heartfelt letter expressing all of your feelings. Tell him how much you miss him and how much you love him. Tell him how much your son needs him. Let him know that you think he’s going to be a good father. (Even if you’re not sure) And tell him how much you look forward to having things go back to the way they were physically. Basically invite him back into your life.

Don’t use the letter as a way to point out what he’s not doing. Once you get him seeing all of the things he’s missing then hopefully he’ll be more open to discussing how to get your lives back on track together. Because we agree with you. He should be more involved with his family. His friends shouldn’t be staying over the house unless there’s some emergency which happens maybe once or twice a year. (Maybe) And your quality time together shouldn’t just be watching TV together. You two need to start “dating” again, if that makes sense. Things have to be a little more fun.

We know you’re tired. Taking care of a newborn is very taxing on many levels. And when you feel like you’re doing it all yourself it can be even more difficult. But try Misty, to make the extra effort to mend your relationship before it’s too late, and before you decide to move out and leave your husband. You have a family together. And ultimately keeping your family together is the number one goal.

Also, we agree that counseling would be a good idea for the two of you. We understand how he feels though. In fact, a lot of people feel the way he feels about counseling. (That the counselor will blame it all on him.) So offer to let him pick the counselor. Or try out a few people and let him decide who he’s most comfortable with. But don’t bring this subject up until you’ve tried mending some things on your own.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about marriage: 

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Boyfriend and his ex-wife; no boundaries

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Divorced women in her 40s dating bachelors

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Kids and YouTube

Syndicated in all the Gatehouse Newspapers.   Written by Saelen Ghose

My kids are into making movies these days. These movies have stories. They have props. They have good guys and bad guys. They have character actors. (Usually the dog.) They have a protagonist—whoever came up with the idea–and antagonists—the remaining two siblings. Some are pretty funny; and some, well, at least my kids think they’re funny. These films won’t be seen by any critics. They won’t be seen in a theater. But they likely will be seen by a number of individuals who might actually stumble upon, or possibly even search for, a movie abut Nerf guns and a dog from a distant planet. At least that’s my kids’ hope.

Video has taken over the world. Not just that we’re doing it more, but that it’s available at any moment on any number of gadgets we carry around with us everyday. And that’s why activites that used to be private affairs—a family ski trip, coffee at the local cafe, lounging on the beach—are now able to be captured and posted on YouTube within minutes of real time. Amazing. And scary.

What’s amazing—according to YouTube stats—is that one hour of video is uploaded to YouTube every second. And over 4 billion videos are viewed every day. The scary part is that many of these videos are being uploaded by kids. And the very nature of being a kid is that they’ll almost always choose ice cream over vegetables and  almost always choose watching TV over doing their homework. Which means that making intelligent and informed decisions is a long process that only begins in childhood.

At first I was a bit wary about allowing my son to post his movies on YouTube. I know that once you put something out there in cyberspace it’s pretty much impossible to remove it. And I wondered to myself what kind of people might view it. So I agreed to allow him to post his videos as long as he followed some guidelines—basically he couldn’t use his name or the names of anyone else in the video. I also initially requested that he make his videos private so only his friends could see them. But he said, “Dad, the whole point is to see how many views I get.” And here I was thinking the point was to make a good movie. Silly me.

It seems that everyone wants their 15 seconds of fame. But to what lengths will people go to achieve this? Recently a video was uploaded by the parents of a fifteen year-old kid. They captured their son, “high” on gas, moments before getting his wisdom teeth out. I have to admit, it was hilarious. But the parent in me was appalled. How embarrassing for a teenager. This kid is at the age where fitting in and being accepted by his peers is his number one concern. I wondered how he was going to be able to face his high school classmates once he returned to school. And how was he now going to feel about his parents? (Maybe kids aren’t the only ones still learning about intelligent and informed decisions.)

The immediacy of uploading video is alluring but it clouds a person’s judgement. We think the rest of the world is eagerly waiting for our genius to arrive, so we rush to upload video before we actually think about why we’re doing it. And honestly, how can we as parents, lecture our kids about how drugs and alcohol impair judgement when we’re busy posting embarrassing videos on You Tube and then revealing too much of ourselves on Twitter and Facebook? Seems a bit hypocritical to me. But I guess hypocrisy is part of parenting. Remember, “Do as I say, not as I do.”

For me, I’m just happy my kids are making videos occasionally rather than playing video games all the time. The former requires them to engage in the creative process. The latter does all the work for them and thus turns them into static little drones.

So I’m trying to be flexible in this fast-changing world. I’m learning how to speed up myself, and at the same time slow my kids down. They’re teaching me about the benefits of quantity—I’m not quite convinced yet—and I’m reminding them that quality will endure. The best part is that it’s give and take. And maybe the modern age of parenting is really just about being flexible. Because sometimes I wonder if it’s me guiding my kids or the other way around.

What are your thoughts on the topic?

Please share any of your own experiences. Thanks!

Saelen Ghose is a freelance writer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He’s not involved with the baby; Is my marriage over?

Dear Guys,

I am in need of some advice. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for almost 2 years. But we have been having some problems for a while now. I have felt us getting further and further away from each other, and it’s to the point now where we are both very unhappy. I am 30 years old and he is 26. I have a 9 year-old son from a previous relationship, and we have a 5 month-old son together.

My husband and my older son used to have a good relationship, but they no longer do. They argue constantly. When it comes to our infant son, my husband barely has a relationship with him, saying that he doesn’t do well with babies. He can’t handle the crying, he doesn’t want to hold him, and he doesn’t do poopy diapers. He won’t change a diaper unless I make him. And so far his main involvement is to make an occasional bottle or giving him his pacifier. (This was a planned baby that we tried to conceive for 3 years.) And I really feel like we are not a team in any aspect of our relationship whatsoever.

Also, my husband is a huge gamer, spending most of his time on his computer. This was known before we got married, but has not gotten any better since expanding our family. Our quality time together is watching a TV show together and then he goes back to his game. He has his friends stay at our house on an almost daily basis, sometimes staying for weeks at a time. When I tell him that this bothers me, he says I need to accept that that is the way it is. I am forced to clean up after grown men more than my own children.

When I try to talk to my husband about how I feel or about something that bothers me, it always turns into an argument where he makes me feel guilty by saying I am never happy and that he can never do anything right and that I am always mad about something. Our sex life is non-existent. He claims that he just has a very low sex drive, though he has been busted taking care of things on his own numerous times. He then blames me for it  saying that all men do that and that I shouldn’t expect him to have sex with me every time he’s in the mood. That it’s just easier to do it on his own.

I have asked him to seek couples counseling and he says that I am the one with the problem so I should go to counseling. He thinks if we go to counseling they will blame everything on him and he doesn’t want to do that. I am to a point where I don’t feel like I can talk to him about anything without it turning into a fight. I am starting to have thoughts about getting my own place because I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. If feels more like him and his friends house than our families house. I am getting very depressed and it’s starting to take a toll on my health. I don’t know what to do to make this right. But something needs to change.

How can I get through to him?? How can I get my husband back and our marriage back on track?

Misty

Dear Misty,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re having a difficult time right now.

Let’s start with the issue around your baby. Yes, you and your husband are a team and it would be nice if he were more involved with taking care of his son. But some guys take a while to feel connected to their newborn; and until they can actually DO something with their kid they just aren’t sure of where they stand in the picture. It’s hard to give, give, give and get absolutely nothing in return except constant crying and more pooping. Remember, you’ve already connected with your child because you carried him in your womb for 9-10 months. Your husband is still trying to figure out where he stands with his son.

He also might be feeling overwhelmed by the fact that he’s now a father and he realizes all the responsibilities that come with being a father. He might not be showing how he feels but he’s definitely feeling something. But instead of dealing with his feelings and trying to understand what’s going on, he’s avoiding everything and instead acting like a kid himself, playing games with his buddies, and generally rejecting the notion that he’s now a parent. He needs help with this.

Why don’t you try involving him in different ways for a start? Instead of getting upset at him about not changing diapers or feeding his kid—although we agree that he should be involved with that—ask him to rock his boy to sleep. Or ask him to take his son for a walk with a baby backpack. (A front facing pack is extra sweet.) Try to make him see that his son needs a father as much as he needs a mother. Help your husband see how important he is to his son.

Your other issues are also likely connected to the birth of your new baby. Some guys freak out over the thought of their wife giving birth. Up until this point he’s viewed you as a sexual being. (We’re not saying that’s all he views you as but you understand what we’re saying.) And if he was present in the delivery room, he might be having a hard time transitioning back into seeing you as the woman he was/is attracted to instead of a birthing machine. This experience affects a lot of guys and usually fades after a time.

What can you do?

We think you should sit down and write him a heartfelt letter expressing all of your feelings. Tell him how much you miss him and how much you love him. Tell him how much your son needs him. Let him know that you think he’s going to be a good father. (Even if you’re not sure) And tell him how much you look forward to having things go back to the way they were physically. Basically invite him back into your life.

Don’t use the letter as a way to point out what he’s not doing. Once you get him seeing all of the things he’s missing then hopefully he’ll be more open to discussing how to get your lives back on track together. Because we agree with you. He should be more involved with his family. His friends shouldn’t be staying over the house unless there’s some emergency which happens maybe once or twice a year. (Maybe) And your quality time together shouldn’t just be watching TV together. You two need to start “dating” again, if that makes sense. Things have to be a little more fun.

We know you’re tired. Taking care of a newborn is very taxing on many levels. And when you feel like you’re doing it all yourself it can be even more difficult. But try Misty, to make the extra effort to mend your relationship before it’s too late, and before you decide to move out and leave your husband. You have a family together. And ultimately keeping your family together is the number one goal.

Also, we agree that counseling would be a good idea for the two of you. We understand how he feels though. In fact, a lot of people feel the way he feels about counseling. (That the counselor will blame it all on him.) So offer to let him pick the counselor. Or try out a few people and let him decide who he’s most comfortable with. But don’t bring this subject up until you’ve tried mending some things on your own.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about marriage: 

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Boyfriend and his ex-wife; no boundaries

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Divorced women in her 40s dating bachelors

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Bullying in a competitive world

The article originally appeared in the Gatehouse family of newspapers. Read Here.

“Bullying in a competitive world” by Saelen Ghose

Please share on Facebook, Twitter, or email. Use buttons below. Thanks!

In fourth grade my parents sent me off to private school thinking it would be the best educational setting for my curious mind. But instead of becoming acquainted with Shakespeare, King, Lincoln, and Ghandi, I became “fast friends” with the bullies who would wait for me by the front steps in order to shout disparaging remarks about my Indian heritage, and who were even creative enough to make fun of the old brown station wagon my parents brought me to school in.

Bullying back then was commonplace, something to be endured, an infection that would settle in your body, growing insidiously like mold in the walls, that would then spread rapidly to any available host. Because bullying begets bullying.

To be fair, I spent some time in the bullying camp. It felt good to be included. It felt good to be part of the vocal majority, the people with power. But I’m hardly proud of those days. I might not be able to go back in time and change my behavior, but I can do my best to teach my own kids right from wrong.

But let’s play the devil’s advocate game: bullying is something that every child needs to go through. It makes them tougher. It teaches empathy. It’s just part of life. To which I would say, really? Does it really make them tougher? Or does it just make them meaner, and more apt to bully themselves? And at what age do the eventual lessons take hold? Does a seven year-old really learn something from being picked on?

Today, our general tolerance of bullying has changed. I became aware of this I when one of my children—a kindergartener at the time—had a serious issue with some sixth graders on the bus. I immediately took the problem to the principal of the school. And he told me, “You know the schools have a No Tolerance Policy.” He went on to explain the school’s stance on the issue of bullying, and swiftly took care of the problem. I was impressed, but more importantly, relieved that this wouldn’t become an ongoing issue.

But I can’t help wonder if our society has truly changed when it comes to bullying. Maybe the schools have altered their tune, but I’m not so sure we have collectively. There are some people who still blame the victim. “She shouldn’t have transferred schools.” “He shouldn’t have tried to be friends with those kids.” But many take the path of “no comment” because it’s too uncomfortable for them to think about, or get involved with. Because all of us fear being ostracized. We all want to be part of the “in-group” no matter what age we are. Side with the victim, and then possibly become a victim yourself. No thank you.

But bullying isn’t only happening in schools—it’s everywhere. On playdates. On ballfields. In the neighborhood. At work. And that’s where it gets all gray and fuzzy, because we live in a competitive society. The world’s population is growing, which means the pie is shrinking. Parents especially fear this inevitable change, so  sometimes inappropriate behavior is labeled as necessary competitive drive rather than what it really is: bullying.

And I’ll be frank. I’m as competitive as the rest. I don’t believe we should pretend that everyone is equally competent at all things when they’re not. Not every kid is good at sports. Some kids have trouble with reading. Others have trouble with math. Some kids move slowly. And some can’t slow their bodies down enough to follow directions.

But I also believe every child should have a chance to find something they’re good at. They should be given every opportunity possible to explore many avenues, and eventually get to taste at least a little piece of the pie. Because throwing the weak under the bus only makes our moral fiber weaker, which inevitably reflects on who we are as a society and as individuals.

As parents it’s hard to watch or hear about your kid being bullied or ostracized, especially as you feel the heat of anger rise from your toes, progress slowly up your spine, and finally settle at the base of your neck. But the rational part of you understands that the bullies are typically just kids trying to figure out where they fit in the world too. It’s a very complicated issue for sure.

I often think about those bullies at my old school and wonder if they are looking back at their past indiscretions as I am, and wondering why they behaved the way they behaved. Because being a parent will do that to you. It undresses you, exposes you, and makes you take a hard look at yourself. But then, gloriously it forgives, and it provides a chance to “make it all good.” Because the teachable moments are there every day, we just have to be aware enough to see them.

Readers: Please leave us a comment. 

What are your thoughts on the topic of bullying?

Have you experienced bullying yourself, or as a parent?

Please share any experiences you might have. Or insights.

Read some other parenting essays: 

Pride in the uniform

Magic of the holidays

Boredom’s gift

The second time around

Surviving a birthday sleepover

 

 

Booting up for the New Year

Article originally appeared in the Gatehouse family of newspapers.

“Booting up for the New Year” by Saelen Ghose

After a long, restful vacation I feel like one of those old internet providers—the kind you’d dial-in, then go make tea and read the paper, before it finally connected. It always takes a while for me to “boot up” for the New Year. But my kids, even longer.

I’ve been hearing cries of rebellion for the last few weeks as school and extra-curricular activities have resumed again, squeezing hours out of the day, that for a while were filled with just sitting around being bored. I no longer hear, “Dad, I am bored.” It’s more like, “Dad, I wish I were bored.”  To which I respond, “Me too.”

Boy do I wish I were bored. Or rather, had time in my day where I could choose to be bored if I wanted to. But instead I find myself right back in full swing, making lunches, signing permission slips, working, chauffering to practices, making dinners, cleaning up dinners, helping with homework, putting the kids to bed, and working more. And of course there’s the ever-present dog to take care of.

So I’m wondering how to stop from falling into familiar patterns? Is it possible to ignore what everyone else is doing, and make decisions that work specifically for my family? Is there a way to make life flow in a more congruous way, rather than being so fragmented? Can I find balance?

I think a good start would be to impose a simple family rule: my wife and I make the decisions for the family. I do believe it’s important to empower kids to think for themselves and also important to encourage them to make their own decisions. But while those are important qualities to impart, sometimes those teachings can backfire, especially when the kids think they’re running the show.

Just the other day, my wife and I wanted to take a family hike in the woods. Instead of cheers from the gallery we heard moans and groans as if we told the kids it was time to go get their flu shots. We ignored their cries and went ahead with our plans. We knew that once we were surrounded by the clean, wooded air, everyone would have a great time. And we were right. The dog playfully roamed free for once, the kids explored streams and rotted tree trunks, and my wife and I took it all in and relaxed. We were all able to decompress and dial out for a moment, which needs to happen more often. But for me, the best part was that we were all together.

Too much of our family time is spent dividing and conquering. We have to because our schedule is insane, like most modern families. Weekends sound like this. “I’ll drive to soccer, then pick up the presents for the party.” “Sounds good. It’s my turn to carpool to basketball. Then I’ll pick up the boys from the party later.” “Great. I’m helping sell Girl Scout cookies this afternoon, so we’ll rendezvous at the pizza joint some time this evening.” “Perfect.” And by the time the day is done, the kids are fried, and my wife and I barely have enough energy to get up off the couch and go to bed.

Believe me, a part of that schedule I love. My favorite activity is watching my kids participate in the activities they love. But these types of weekends often revolve around individuals in our family, rather than our family as a whole.

I’d like to change that this new year. When we asked the kids what their highlights were for 2011, most of their responses involved some sort of family outing or vacation. And seeing that those particular activities took up a very small percentage of the year, that was quite telling. Sure, it’s difficult to get five people on the same page at any given time, but bringing the family together as a unit is vital for our collective well-being. We are a team, and the best way to gel like a team is to play together often.

So here’s to 2012. Same people, but hoping for some new habits. More time together, arguing over which station to listen to, who leads the hike, and what restaurant we’ll go to. But somehow I know all those arguments will be forgotten as memories form, prioritizing the good times. My guess is, we’ll all only remember what mattered most: time spent together as one.

Holiday expectations for your family

Readers please note: In addition to answering relationship questions, THE GUYS will also be fielding parenting questions. If you’re looking for an objective view about a parenting situation you’re having, we are happy to offer our humble opinion. Don’t consider this advice per se, because we certainly have many questions ourselves about being parents. But we—”our collective parenting experience”—might be able to offer some insight into your problem. And if nothing else, it’s another opinion for you to consider.

So ask away. Don’t be shy.

And now:

“Holiday Expectations” by Saelen Ghose

Originally published in The MetroWest Daily. 

We store our fine china in a sealed cabinet deep down in a temperature controlled room. We call it, the basement. It’s there that it sits until once or twice a year, we pull it out gently—like transplanting a fragile seedling to safer and more nutritious soil—so we can eat a holiday meal with the grace and dignity it so deserves.

That is until one of my kids has a temper tantrum and ends up spending the entire meal roaming the house like some nomadic vampire, mainly because he’s been snacking on—or more like gorging on—the various bowls of chocolates adorning our home this time of year, and the sugar levels in his bloodstream have hit historic highs, causing the rest of us—mainly his parents—to silently curse the entire candy industry, and ourselves. (That very long sentence is an example of what candy will do to you. Daddy has his own secret stash.)

Holidays are about family. They are about giving and receiving. They are about time spent with loved ones. But holidays are also accompanied with the expectation that everything will be perfect. The perfect gift. The perfect dinner. The perfect table settings. The perfect decorations. The perfect family. And especially, perfect children.

We all know that perfection is best left to “those” magazines in which airbrushing has become an art form. Because perfection has no place in everyday life, especially in a house like mine, containing three, very loud and messy children—now with their own opinions (darnit!)—and a puppy who considers everything in the house to be her very own personal chew toy.

My house is a zoo. So why my wife and I think that all of a sudden everyone is going to tow the “perfection line” once the holidays roll around is beyond me. Actually we don’t really expect it, but we maintain the hope that maybe, just maybe, our kids will give us the perfect gift of perfect behavior for possibly a day or two. But I know that’s unrealistic. We might be able to pull out the china for a day or two to spice things up, but it isn’t like we have a stash of well-behaved replacement kids in a locked cabinet somewhere in our house. (No, really, we don’t. Although, at times, I wish we did. )

And then comes gift giving. Every season my wife and I go on the hunt to find gifts our kids will love. We try not to get caught up in the hoopla, but it’s hard not to. Since we don’t keep our kids locked up, they inevitably are confronted with the world of advertising. On billboards, TV, radio, and all forms of public transportation, these messages are beckoning our children to want more, whether overtly or subliminally. I’m sure even the saltine crackers I’m munching on at this moment contain messages for me to digest, one salty treat at a time.

My wife and I should know better than to actually think we’re going to be successful in our hunt for the perfect gift for each of our children. Inevitably someone is disappointed. And please, spare me the, “it’s the thought that counts” garbage. We get it. And yes, we try to downplay material giving. But in today’s world kids have a difficult time focusing on sentiment when they’re faced with friends telling enchanted stories of new cell phones, video games, i-touches, and other slick gadgetry. The holidays represent keeping up with the Joneses to the utmost degree.

So parents have two choices: lower expectations or up the ante. I for one am all about lowering expectations—I never said low expectations—because lowering expectations can help take away some of the pressures to “keep up” which can ultimately lead to a more fulfilling life. And during the holidays, when families come together to celebrate, the expectation for everything to go smoothly is totally unrealistic. In fact, the atmosphere is so charged with hyper intense energy that the table is set–so to speak—for anything and everything to go wrong.

So this holiday season how about we get rid of all expectations? Let’s throw them out with the china. Because life doesn’t come with guarantees of perfection. It’s messy and full of suprises, served on old dinner plates made from hard work and sweat.

Happy Holidays to all.

Saelen Ghose is a syndicated columnist for Gatehouse media. He is currently working on a parenting book that fuses tales of his childhood—growing up with an Indian father and New England mother in Cleveland—with his own parenting challenges and questions.

Contact Saelen at sghose@theguysperspective.com if you would like help writing your own memoirs. Saelen also writes obits. 

 

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

A note to readers:

This post will appear on both the “Ask the Guys” page and the “Fatherhood/Parenting” page. It seems appropriate for both.

And now, in addition to answering relationship questions, THE GUYS will also be fielding parenting questions. If you’re looking for an objective view about a parenting situation you’re having, we are happy to offer our humble opinion. Don’t consider this advice per se, because we certainly have many questions ourselves. But we—”our collective parenting experience”—might be able to offer some insight into your problem. And if nothing else, it’s another opinion for you to consider.

So ask away. Don’t be shy.

Dear Guys,

My son is 26 and has been dating a woman who is 33 for the last 7 months. She has three kids of her own.

I dont understand how he can throw his life away? He will never have children with her because she already has three. But he says he loves her.

Any advice?

Upset Mom

Dear Upset Mom,

Thanks for your question. We can certainly speak to this topic from both sides. (Some of us have chosen your son’s path and some of us are parents.)

As parents we want our kids to have a great life. We want them to get an education, land a great job, find a loving partner, have their own kids, and grow old—surrounded by a support system of wonderful people including their kids. In essence we want them to live the lives we’ve lived—or are living—but only better. And this is completely natural and understandable. We’re right there with you.

However, you know as well as we do, that this isn’t how it works. Think about your own choices and how they may have clashed with your own parents’ hopes and dreams for you? At least on our end there has always been, and still is, a healthy dose of conflict with our parents, as we fumble and claw our way through this life. Not to get all existential on you, but isn’t that what the human existence is all about? It’s a continuum. We try our best, make mistakes, grow wiser—hopefully—and just as we think, maybe just maybe, we’ve figured out a little something, it’s time for us to leave this earth.

Your son is doing exactly that. He’s making the best choices he can make for where he’s at on the continuum of learning. Sure it’s easy for us to offer this viewpoint sitting here on the sidelines, but actually we do know EXACTLY how you are feeling.

So what are you saying to your son? Are you giving him a hard time about this? Because if you are, you’re putting your relationship with him at risk. And for what? No matter what you say he’s going to do what he thinks is right for him. This is not a guy thing. This is a human thing. He has accrued a certain amount of information in his life that he carries around in a metaphorical bag. This bag of experiences informs him every day. And so he can only make decisions based on the experiences he has already. Maybe in five years, ten years he’ll look back and wonder what the heck he was thinking. But right now, he can only make decisions based on his previous experiences. And for him a relationship with this woman seems like a good thing right now.

So you have two choices.

1. Try to accept this as best you can and support him. If he ultimately chooses this path then at least you’ll be with him as he moves forward with his life. And if he does break it off with her, you’ll be there to help him get back on his feet, with your relationship still intact.

2. You can continue to be against this choice and draw a line in the sand by letting him know he’s making a mistake. But then you’ll miss out on being part of his life because he’ll shut you out. Sure, if you must tell him how you feel, say it once, and once only. But after that one time, if you continue, he’s going to push you out of his life. And if he does break up with her, he’s going to remember how you treated him—mainly that you didn’t trust him to make his own decisions—and hold that against you. Your relationship will be in serious jeopardy, and will likely be forever altered. And we honestly don’t think you want that, do you?

Guys especially need a purpose in life. For some it’s a great career. For others it’s a family to take care of. And for some, it’s bedding as many women as they can. And guys struggle with this. Some choose one purpose only to realize it’s not what ultimately makes them happy, and then they do a complete 180.

It’s very possible this is not your son’s “final stop” on the continuum. As we said before we’ve been on both sides of this. And we’ve seen it work out to varying degrees. A dear friend of ours married a woman with three kids and couldn’t be happier—much happier than many who have chosen the conventional life. Others have dated women with kids only to break up after a time.

So please think long and hard about how you want to proceed from here on out. We understand you’re sad, frustrated, and probably a bit angry. All the time and energy you spent raising your son, only for him to choose this path?! We don’t think there’s a parent on this earth that would choose this particular path for their child. But all parents would choose happiness for their kids.

Remember, the relationship you’ve built with your son is everything. Don’t throw it away over this. He needs you now as much as he’s always needed you. And that will never change, unless you create a situation where he doesn’t trust you anymore.

So hang in there. You might be surprised at what happens. Most relationships don’t last, especially when complicated by more than two people. But when they do, they were meant to.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. (If they have any relationship or parenting questions.) And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal button on right of each page.) It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. Thanks!

Readers: Please share your opinions. Or experiences.

 

 

 

Magic of the holidays

 

“Magic of the holidays” by Saelen Ghose

Originally published in: The Cleveland Plain Dealer and The MetroWest Daily 

Magic is the art of lost and found. It’s the craft of manipulation where matter disappears and then reappears right before our very eyes. Magic has been around forever, and it never ceases to amaze and delight us, but sadly it’s missing in our everyday lives.

Recently my daughter said, “Daddy, is Mickey real?” She was referring to none other than Mickey Mouse, fueled from a recent trip to Disney World thanks to the generosity of my in-laws.

I said, “What do you think?”

“Well, my friend at school said Mickey’s not real. But I think he is because he has a tongue.”

I almost laughed out loud, but instead I said, “What do you mean?”

“Donald and Goofy don’t have tongues. How can they possibly eat without tongues? But Mickey has a tongue, so he can eat. He must be real. And anyway, he’s magical.”

I smiled at what I thought was pretty solid reasoning for a six-year old.

With Christmas fast approaching my kids have been discussing Santa Claus in some detail. They are getting to the age where logic is starting to impose its will on the magical world of reindeer, sleighs, and the North Pole, and in turn, I’m getting peppered with questions I’m ill prepared to answer.

“Dad, how does Santa deliver presents to every house in the world, all in one night?

“Dad, wouldn’t the sleigh be too heavy for the reindeer to carry all those presents?”

“Dad, how big is Santa’s bag? It must be bigger than our house?”

And then the worst of all, “Dad, do you believe in Santa?”

At this point I’m still able to parry, feint, and disengage, because why in the world would I want to answer any of these questions? Why would I want to take all the fun out of a very special time of year? This approach goes against my usual parental instincts. Typically when my kids ask me questions I try to give detailed answers, exploring every nuance so they can really understand the subtleties of whatever concept or topic they’re trying to understand. But for Santa questions, and any other magic related questions, including the tooth fairy and other cartoon characters, I use what therapists call a redirect. I say, “Hmm. I don’t know. What do you think?”

Magic is far more involved than pulling rabbits out of a hat and making coins appear from behind an unsuspecting ear. Magic is much bigger than some guy wearing a wrinkled tuxedo and a black top hat, providing entertainment during birthday parties, or business holiday outings. Magic is directly or indirectly involved in everything we can’t explain about our world. Magic is the mystery that makes life so interesting, and keeps us guessing even as we discover more and more about the ins and outs of the universe.

The concept of magic lives large in kids, but for most grown-ups it’s considered part of a world we left long ago to pursue more serious endeavors like careers and families. As we get older it gets harder to believe in things we can’t touch or see, even if we understand they exist—like the tiny microscopic particles that are in front of our very eyes every day. Sure many grown-ups have spiritual and religious faith, but do we really believe in things we can’t imagine? Do we ever really suspend belief and not try and come up with a logical explanation for life’s events? Do we ever consider that magic might be at work, connecting the dots and making it all work out the way it’s supposed to? Is the world really just coincidental?

Everyone says the holidays are all about family coming together, and for the most part that’s accurate. But I think what makes the holidays extra special is the magic that surrounds it, breathes life into it, and makes it come alive. Viewing this through the lens of my children is special and fun, but I’d like to get to a place where I believe it all again too, because a world filled with Mickey, Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and any other fantastical creature, is a world that’s a lot more enjoyable than the mundane one I function in.

As a parent with many responsibilities it’s hard to suspend belief for too long, otherwise my kids will go hungry, the bills will go unpaid, and the car will run out of gas. I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to keep some semblance of order in my chaotic life as a dad, and often wonder if I was put on this planet solely to cook, clean, and grocery shop.

What I really need to do is sit back and listen, because it’s those funny and interesting conversations with my kids that remind me that the world is so much bigger and more wondrous than I can even remember. And if I want to recreate this magical world for myself, I need to allow myself a few moments to wonder, and imagine the possibilities, and maybe, just maybe, allow myself to feel the magic once again.

Please share your insights into this topic here in the comments section. How do you answer these difficult questions? Do your kids still believe? Do you believe in magic? 

Read more of Saelen’s stories of fatherhood and parenting here at The Guy’s Perspective.

Contact Saelen for help with your memoirs. sghose@theguysperspective.com

 

 

Surviving a birthday sleepover

Read article in The MetroWest Daily

“The upside of no sleep” by Saelen Ghose (Follow on Twitter @saelenghose)

For all you parents out there feeling sentimental about your kids growing up, I have an instant cure for you to try: Let one of your kids invite nine friends over for a birthday sleepover. Yes, in one short—I mean, one very long—evening you too can be cured of all your sentimentality. In fact, I can guarantee that, at least for a few months, the only thing you’ll be sad about is the bus being late to pick up your kids for school.

When planning a party of this magnitude there is much that can be controlled. What kind of food will be served? What activities the kids will engage in? And where will everyone sleep? (Our basement was now off-limits due to a recent musty odor that emerged after we lost power for three days in the October snowstorm. This glitch parked the entire party crew in our living room.) What is impossible to control is the weather.

The morning of the party I drove around with a smile on my face as I finished up some last minute errands. The day was sunny, the roads were refreshingly empty, and I rolled down the windows to let a warm wind blow through my hair. (I’m kidding…..I shaved my head recently.) I enjoyed watching the leaves floating down from the trees, creating tunnels of color for me to drive through. But as the party hour grew closer, the sky darkened, and my mood followed suit.

As kids arrived it began to pour. But that was in no way a deterrent for them as they ran outside to play “kill the carrier” on the muddy lawn. (So much for my weather worries.) This is a tackling game where everyone piles on the kid with the ball. And I’m sure it’s not the kind of game sanctioned by the majority of parents that had entrusted us with their children for the night. Nevertheless I let them continue as I monitored for excessive force and various underhanded blows. My biggest concern was that they were all getting soaking wet and the party had barely begun.

Although we survived the tackling game without a scratch, blood was drawn soon after the party migrated inside. The boys started to whack each other with plastic bowling pins, unbeknownst to my wife and me. I quickly bandaged up the injured partygoer and told them all to get changed. We were headed to the actual bowling alley to enjoy the arcade.

Big parties are not my cup of tea. My son’s party reminded me of my own disastrous birthday sleepovers as a kid. I remember one particularly unsettling party when many of my treasured possessions got smashed by the “cool guys” that I insisted on inviting. I can still remember to this day, crawling deep down into my sleeping bag with tears in my eyes, wishing the party would just end.

But these parties do serve a purpose, at least for parents. They inform us. They give us an insider’s view on what our kids are thinking about. I was surprised at how open the boys were about a variety of topics even though I was loitering nearby. They especially talked a lot about girls, expressing who they thought was cute, and “hot”— their words—which made me laugh inside. It was amusing to see which boys were truly interested, and which boys were only pretending to be interested so they could fit in. And I especially loved seeing where my son fit in this spectrum of interest.

We made it through the night without any serious incidents. Collectively we all slept about two hours, but every guest left with a smile on his face. And my son might have had the most satisfied smile of all.

I said to my wife during the course of the night—when things were getting particularly loud—that we wouldn’t be doing this again. But now that I’ve had time to reflect, and rest, I’m kind of rethinking it. Sure, these parties are torture. It’s like being trapped in a room with the sound of fingernails scraping across a chalk board in perfect sync with Village People’s, “YMCA.” But missing a night’s sleep to get a firsthand glimpse into my son’s world might just be worth it.

Saelen Ghose is a syndicated columnist for Gatehouse Media.

Are you working on your memoirs? Do you need ghostwriting support? Saelen also writes memoirs and obits.

 

 

 

 

 

I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Hi Guys

My Boyfriend and I have been dating now for about 3 years and 8 months. I think we’ve been really happy with each other. We used to say that we wanted to get married. We planned to have 2 kids and to go and work abroad.

But before I continue let me first tell you about his ex-girlfriend. She was very young when she got pregnant with his baby. There were court cases and they had to give the baby up; so they broke up after being together for two years.

That was 5 years ago, and then we started dating and have been very much in love. We now have a child who is six months old. I found a note on my boyfriend’s phone saying that he thinks that I am only in the relationship because of our son, not because I want to be with him. The relationship is not the same; he is having contact with his ex-girlfriend’s cousin all of a sudden and I am afraid that things are going to get worse.

He always talks about his relationship with his ex: what they did, their experiences; and the way she was. He told me that he can guarantee me that she will never come back to him but he’s hoping maybe their son will. But he never says that he doesn’t want her back, or that he doesn’t have feelings for her. I found out recently that his password is her name and surname. On top of that, he doesn’t touch me anymore unless he wants to have sex. He doesn’t kiss me or hug me. It’s like he is ashamed of me.

What can I do to fix it all so that he will forget about his ex and fall in love with me again? I feel so angry and hopeless.

Please Please Please HELP

Kristen

Dear Kristen,

Thanks for your question.

Having some sort of closure is important for any relationship. (Your boyfriend didn’t get closure with his ex.) It sounds like circumstance tore them apart, rather than their diminished love for one another. Without closure, the question always looms: “Should we still be together?”  or “What would life be like if we were still together, raising our baby?” And on top of that, now that they’re older and presumably wiser and more experienced, they are also dealing with sadness and regret, especially regarding their baby.

But this doesn’t mean your boyfriend is still in love with his ex, and that he doesn’t love you. It’s likely he does love you. You’ve built a life together. But the specter of that past relationship haunts him, and makes him wonder what his life might have been like if things had turned out differently.

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel, instead of looking for hints of infidelity? And have you ever sat and talked with him about how he feels concerning the baby he had to give up? It’s possible that he has all these emotions bubbling inside of him with no one to talk to about them. And instead of turning to you—the person closest to him—he might be looking to connect with his ex because they have that shared experience. He also knows you’re probably not “open” to the topic, or you’re threatened by the whole subject.

Maybe you need to do a complete 180 and start discussing these issues that are “in the air” but being ignored? Guys are not just about sex. You say, that’s the only reason he touches you anymore, and that may be true. But that’s not necessarily because he doesn’t find you attractive, or even less likely that he is ashamed by you. More likely, he feels disconnected and that’s the only way he still knows how to connect with you.

So Kristen, you have some work to do. Your relationship is far from over, but the two of you need to get reconnected. He needs to know you care about him; and not just because he’s the father of your child. And he needs to know how much his behavior is bothering you, and that you feel like he’s using you for sex.

There are no guarantees here. Once you open up this can of worms, things could go in many different directions. But we can guarantee that at the very least the two of you will begin to understand each other better, which is essential for any relationship to grow and flourish.

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask a follow up question. We’re pulling for you.

THE GUYS

 

Father Stories: A Halloween Tale

“Upsetting the Pumpkin Cart” by Saelen Ghose  (Follow on Twitter: @saelenghose)

My 10-year-old son announced he wants to trick-or-treat with his friends this year. This upsets me. I mark time in two ways: my yearly tax appointment during school February vacation and our traditional family trick-or-treat outing every October. I look forward to both of these events because even though they are very different experiences, each gives me a sense of continuity from year-to-year. Now my son wants to upset the pumpkin cart and change it all, and I’m just not ready.

My kids are growing up fast. Fifth grade is more than halfway to the day my son might leave to further his education. And ten years old is close enough to those dramatic early teen years where my love for him won’t change, but on certain days I won’t like him very much. Where does this leave me? It leaves me with two or three more years to enjoy our family time before my kids make a mass exodus and leave their parents in the dust.

These rumblings of independence I know are normal. I remember from my own childhood how fun it was to scamper around the neighborhood with just my friends, trying to fill our bags with full-sized candy bars—much bigger than the “nuggets” my kids come home with today—and other Halloween treats. My parents let me go without their supervision, probably because they knew my lust for candy would keep me out of trouble. (Who has time to knock over pumpkins or scare even younger kids when there’s business to conduct?) I took my “task” seriously because I knew I would be comparing loot with my brother and sister soon after I arrived home. After dumping the contents of our bags on the living room floor, we’d sort everything and then start counting. The victor would get bragging rights for an entire year, which was pretty sweet for me since I was the middle child and rarely got to boast about much, due to my precarious position in the birth order.

When my son announced his Halloween intentions this year my wife and I gave each other the “eye-roll.” She and I agree that we need to give him more space and allow him more freedom. But before that happens we also agree he’s in sore need of an education. Not that he’s not getting a fine one in school, but he needs the kind of education they don’t cover in the classroom, primarily because there’s only so much his teachers can do within the confines of four walls.

So at the end of this past summer we began to educate him on a few topics we felt he lacked some basic knowledge in—knowledge that he would need upon entering fifth grade. Sure this is arbitrary; every parent needs to decide what information their child needs, and also when they feel comfortable conveying this specific information. The best I can say is we took our cues from him. After hearing countless stories at the end of last year about the bus and playground, and also recently hearing certain words coming from his mouth— words that we knew he didn’t learn at our house—we felt it was time.

Of course our initial conversation led to other conversations which led into other topics that maybe we weren’t quite ready to discuss with him—like contents of R rated movies and You Tube Videos, school gossip, and the like. But the conversations were positive, because not only did we get to peer into his world, he also got a glimpse into ours, which only further strengthened our connection with him. Naturally, after he received all this new information and felt emboldened by it, he was ready to go trick-or-treating without us.

I realize my job as a parent is to parent myself out of a job. I know I need to teach values, lead by example, and give my kids opportunities to think for themselves so they can make their own decisions and mistakes and grow from them. And hopefully by the time they’ve gathered and digested all of this information they’ll be perfectly capable and functioning people. On paper this all makes perfect sense, but when you’re in the trenches it’s a lot more difficult, because letting go of the reigns means giving up control; and without control I no longer can determine outcomes, even though I intuitively know that trying to control anything is an illusion.

My wife and I haven’t decided what to do about Halloween this year. I think we’re comfortable allowing my son to go trick-or-treating without us, but I don’t know if I’m ready to let go. I realize today’s world moves faster than the world I grew up in, but I think my son is just going to have to deal with a sentimental dad who wants him close for a few more years.

Please leave a comment. Share your experiences. Thanks!

Pride in the Uniform

Read article in: The Cleveland Plain Dealer or The MetroWest Daily

Pride in the uniform

By Saelen Ghose

In first grade I knew I was going to be a baseball player. I knew it in my bones and I knew it in my mind. And if you stood close enough to me, you could smell the scent of leather, dirt, and grass oozing from my pores.

The only conclusion I can come to as to why I believed I was headed for the “bigs” was the uniform. Something about that special outfit made me think I actually belonged in baseball’s elite fraternity. I can certainly see it in my own children as the don their uniforms with such pride it makes me smile inwardly. It transforms them and makes them feel special.

Spring is upon us, and baseball and other sports activities have started for many of our kids. And in some circles, youth sports get a bad rap. It is true that sometimes the balance between just being a kid, and becoming the next professional athlete, can get thrown out of whack. But playing sports can also teach important life lessons, and contribute to physical well-being.

As part of a team our kids learn how to contribute AND be accountable. They learn how to lose gracefully and win even more gracefully. They learn actual athletic skills. They get exercise. They deal with the gamut of emotions that sports bring. And they hopefully have fun.

As a kid I didn’t want to limit these feelings to just the ball field, so when my parents gave me my very own uniform, the summer before first grade, I decided come fall, I was going to wear that uniform every single day to school.

In fact, and this is the complete truth, I did wear that baseball uniform to school every day! I mean, every single day!! On Fridays I would hide the uniform in my bottom drawer of my dresser for fear that if I put it in the dirty clothes bin, it would not be washed and ready for school on Monday.

For some reason I never noticed that all the grass and dirt stains were gone every Monday. My mom later told me that she used to sneak in and grab the uniform and wash it every weekend, and then carefully put it back right where I had hidden it. That’s very funny to think about now.

But what’s really amazing is that my parents actually let me wear that uniform every day. I mean, what did the other parents think?! Did my folks have to endure the stares and recriminations of other parents at the school? Or maybe they just didn’t give a hoot. Good for them I say if that’s the case.

What I take from my parent’s example is, let kids be kids. As a parent I need to learn how to separate from them. I need to be able to just sit back and soak them in. I need to understand that they are going to make mistakes and that’s part of how they learn. And I need to be involved, even if it’s just by observing, because the days may go very slowly, but the years pass ever so quickly.

So let’s enjoy our kids this spring. Let’s enjoy them as they laugh with pure joy at reaching first base, even though they got there by a “Base on Balls.” And let’s enjoy them as they score a goal, even though they play in a league with no goalies. Or let’s just enjoy the fact that they’re happy and enjoying the moment, and not worry whether they’re properly preparing to get a Division 1 scholarship. And finally let’s enjoy them as they wear their uniforms with pride, understanding they are a part of a team; something bigger than themselves.

But as I watch my kids, I’ll also be thinking about my uniform. It represented unbridled love, passion, and all the possibilities life had in store for me. I can still to this day, feel every fiber of that uniform. And as I close my eyes, smiling and remembering, a few layers of stress fall away, still smelling like leather, grass, and hope.

_____________________________

What is your opinion on youth sports?

Do you have a special childhood memory that you’re reminded of when your kids play sports?

 

 

Trust in the modern world

Trust in the Modern World by Saelen Ghose

In a world where we are all connected by the touch of a button or the click of a mouse, trust is declining faster than the oil spilling out beneath the ocean floor. It seems counterintuitive to think that as the world becomes smaller, we trust our fellow humans less, but it’s happening before our very eyes. It’s possible we just don’t like what we see.

Information isn’t dispersed anymore, it’s shot out through one of those T-shirt launchers on the “juice.” A kid can’t forget his lunch box at school without it being on the news. And the news is no longer just newspapers, magazines, television and radio. It’s also blogs, forums and every social networking site on the web. We are inundated with information, and this plethora of news, accurate or not, is causing us to live inside little bubbles, creating even more divisions within a country already divided by politics, faith and ethnicity.

I’m not saying ignorance is bliss. It’s not. I’m also not saying we should return to the days where information was disseminated by horseback, or by young boys yelling the headlines in crowded city streets. However, too much information has a paralyzing effect on us and causes us to question everything and everyone. And overanalyzing sure takes the fun out of life’s adventures.

Let’s examine the sports world for a second. I don’t trust anything I see anymore because every time there’s a feel good story, there’s another not-so-feel-good story behind it. Take the summer of 1998 when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa battled for the most storied record, possibly in sports history. What a magical summer that was!! That is, until it was tainted by admission of steroid use. In fact, now I question every one of the great sports stories in the last ten years because I just don’t trust what I see anymore.

It only begins with sports, but it’s part of every facet of our lives. The news tells us of predators lurking at every corner, and politicians having affairs, and corporations lying to the world. And we don’t receive just the basic facts about these events, but all the lurid details behind the facts, reported over and over and over. We never have to worry about missing something either. If we miss it the night it happens, we surely won’t miss it the next day, or the next week. It’s news to match the fast pace of our lives, but it’s overkill.

Now don’t call me a hypocrite please. I realize you’re reading this in the newspaper and that’s a good thing. I’m not complaining about news sources, but more how we process the news and what we do with the information. It’s important for us to be informed and up to date with what’s happening in the world. But let’s start thinking for ourselves again shall we? Isn’t that what we try to teach our kids; not to let peer pressure guide them? Haven’t we all said, “Would you jump off that bridge if Johnny or Sue told you to?”

But here we are ignoring our own advice and letting everyone tell us how to think. And what’s the common theme in this message? Don’t trust anyone. Those OTHER people are bad. They don’t look like you, they don’t think like you, they don’t pray like you, so they must be bad people. Stay away from them and keep to yourself. And we are all guilty of this paranoia. Sure it’s normal to gravitate toward people that are similar to us, but how do we know how similar or different they are without actually having a conversation?

Technology has provided us the power to reach anyone on this planet in a matter of seconds. But this technology can only introduce us to the world. We actually have to leave our houses and explore for ourselves in order to take advantage of that introduction. And surely that’s a lot more interesting than sitting behind our desks.

So if you see me out and about in the world, stop and say hello. I won’t bite. Trust me.

 

Is more better?

Read in the Newspaper: MetroWest Daily

Is more better? by Saelen Ghose

The phrase 110% has become a staple in our culture. I’m not sure who coined that phrase and why they felt it necessary to add an extra 10% to an already conclusive number, but this sentiment of “more is better” has become all pervasive in our culture, and is wreaking havoc on all of us.

I always thought 100% was enough? Doesn’t it connote entire, total, maximum, whole, all in, and complete? But now for some reason, it just doesn’t cut it.

Sure, I get it. People use numbers as a way to emphasize how committed they are to something, whether it’s a project at school, an upcoming game, or even a relationship. It’s about conveying effort and interest, and showing they’re invested and willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. That’s all fine and dandy, but truly 100% would do it.

Exaggeration has always been part of our culture. Storytelling is an art form introduced on playgrounds across the country, nurtured at home, and consummated at all social and work gatherings throughout adult life. Storytelling allows news and words to become malleable, and gives people flexibility to include their own perspective in the retelling.

However, is more really better? Consider the documentary “Super Size Me,” where Morgan Spurlock, an independent film director, eats only fast food for three months. What happens to him? He gains 24 pounds, his cholesterol explodes, and he suffers from liver dysfunction and depression. It takes him fourteen months to lose the weight from his experiment, and even longer to recapture his pre-filming health. This is just one example of how more is actually not better.

Kids also have to deal with this issue. They are exhausted and overwhelmed trying to keep up with the frantic pace of school and activities. And the pressure to excel is great. It’s not enough to get 100% on a test, but what about the extra credit? It’s not enough to play on one soccer team, but now they have to play in the town league, the travel league and on a club team. The examples are endless and this trend is a recipe for complete burnout.

Let’s think about 110% for a minute. Is it really better than 100%? I would argue no. What if your cup is 110% full? Wouldn’t that mean it’s spilling all over you, or on the floor? And if this were the case, you would have a big mess to clean up, which in fact might diminish the percentage of your enjoyment down to about 50%. All of a sudden 110% doesn’t seem so attractive.

We need to rethink how we define what’s good and move beyond assigning a number to it. Being good is more qualitative than quantitative. It’s about being kind, considerate, thoughtful, compassionate and altruistic. It’s about trying hard, but understanding that maximum effort doesn’t always lead to successful outcomes. As the Rolling Stones say, “You can’t always get what you want.” And that’s a lesson worth teaching, but one that gets missed a lot in our entitled culture.

Sure, more IS sometimes better, but it shouldn’t be the way we run our lives. So let’s start by putting an end to this 110%! I’m no genius, but I know when my cup is full and when it runneth over.

 

The second time around

Please leave a comment and share your experiences.

“The second time around” by Saelen Ghose

I missed the world the first time around. I was too busy trying to unearth myself from the grips of fear, insecurity and doubt. That excavation has taken forty years and then some, and I’m still brushing off the dust, finding new nooks and crannies in my forever evolving self. And honestly, I never even realized I missed it until I had kids. They’ve opened my eyes to a whole new world.

Why else would you have kids? They’re loud, they’re smelly, they break things, they don’t listen, they run when you want them to walk, and they walk VERY slowly when you need them to hurry. All in all, kids are kind of difficult to have around.

But seeing the world through their eyes is a blessing for me, or for any person brave enough to take the leap into parenthood. Kids marvel at the smallest of things; a dragonfly resting on a cucumber vine, a frozen crystallized ornament adorning the kitchen window after a cold snowy night, a huge splash from a funny belly flop, a first lick of ice cream, or simply a person with an interesting face who looks different from them. All of these things kids enjoy simply because they are things to be enjoyed. Kids don’t have an agenda or a bag of learned tendencies, they see the world for what it is, and that’s something all parents get to learn the second time around.

I have no memory of any of these simple experiences from my childhood. I remember lots of stuff, some good, and some not so good. I remember the bully at school taking my favorite baseball hat and tossing it in the air, only to have it land in a car that just happened to be driving by. I also remember the look on the bully’s face when he saw the look on my face, both of us realizing that my hat was gone forever. He was as mortified as I was sad. I remember my first crush that wasn’t reciprocated. And I remember my second one that was. I remember getting picked first in kickball games during elementary school, and making the baseball team in high school. I even remember losing an arm wrestling match to the girl who lived two houses down from me, and then spending the rest of the day crying under my desk in my bedroom. I also remember getting a rematch and beating her two years later. All of these memories, plus many more, were vital in shaping the person I am today, but they aren’t the little things that my parents probably remember.

My kids are young, but I know they will have their own set of experiences that will forge their personalities and lead them on their own path to self-discovery. They already are, and those experiences are just part of the larger human experience. But while they’re focusing on the big picture, I’ll be picking out the little things and making mental notes. Or when my brain isn’t able to remember everything, I’ll jot them down in a journal, or take a picture, or capture them on video. All of these moments will help remind me that every moment I have on this planet is precious. And I’ll thank my kids for teaching me that, something I should have learned the first time around.

I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression of me when I jest about kids. I love mine unconditionally, no matter how many gray hairs have grown on my head because of them. Sure they are a handful, but they are a lot of fun, and certainly my life’s biggest blessing. But getting to see the world simply for the wonder of it all, may be the best gift they’ve given me.

Now I’m wondering what it might be like the third time around. It’s an intriguing thought. Grandparents often say they have it the best. They can enjoy the little ones for a time, and then hand them back to their parents as they go on their merry way to whatever golf outing, town meeting or bus cruise they’ve got planned. What a concept that is, and I think it’s probably true. Every round of life we experience, we’re better able to sift away the less important aspects and focus on the nuggets of gold and other precious moments that we didn’t, or couldn’t see before. Wow, it makes me all giddy just thinking about that next round.

Nah…..forget that. What’s the point in fast-forwarding life? I’m having too much fun right this very moment.

_____________________

What are you learning the second time around?

What did you miss the first time around?

Read in the newspaper

 

TGP Episode 28: Parenting, Celebrities, Privacy in Public Places?

What’s a Dipthong? It’s much more than the sum of its parts. (Dip + Thong does not equal Dipthong.)

We move into The Truth where Cucch typically has had a hard time fooling Sae. Today’s stories are all about celebrities and their foibles. Cucch shares stories about Jack LaLanne, Ernest Borgnine(See Video), and Joan Rivers. Try to figure it out along with Sae.

We move to Father Stories where Sae shares two stories about his own kids. In one story he emerges victorious, and the other one he tastes the agony of defeat. Isn’t this parenting gig great? (By the way, please check out Sae’s other podcast “The Parent Gig” on The Guys’ Network dot com.

We move to Valentine’s Day and all the expectations that come with that special day.

In the Ask the Guys segment we answer questions from:

Sherry: Am I addicted?

Leanora: Does the high school guy like me?

Rebecca: Am I booty call?

We finish with THE MEAT. Should we be able to expect privacy in a public place? What do you think? Cucch and Sae don’t necessarily see eye to eye.

Please get in the running to win two flash drives loaded with all of our podcasts. One for you and one for a friend. Leave us a five star review on itunes and get your name put in a hat-a real one-to win.

Thanks for listening. We appreciate your support and contributions to the show!

[display_podcast]

Boredom’s Gift

“Boredom’s gift” by Saelen Ghose

Two Bored Boys

Boredom used to be a portal to creativity, a springboard of sorts, carving out space in the mind for ideas to enter. But the good old days of boredom are long gone, joining the Dodo Bird, Pet Rocks, and The Three Stooges on the path to extinction. Instead we’ve replaced them with gizmos, toys, and gadgets that keep our kids, and us, entertained and distracted. Why would we do that?

We’re afraid of boredom. It connotes laziness. It signifies either a lack of progress, or even worse, an unwillingness to progress. It’s also a state of mind that is unsettling at its core, because it forces us to sit and listen to ourselves think. And being reflective is not something that comes very naturally to us, mainly because we’re out of practice.

We’ve done our best to pummel boredom into extinction. We certainly don’t want our kids being idle. First we came up with TV, a mostly harmless device, delivering some entertaining shows and the nightly news. In fact the first televisions doubled as exercise equipment because viewers had to actually get up off the couch to change the channel. The remote soon took care of any cardio benefits, and cable expanded our choices of stations, keeping us tuned, but not very toned.

Then video games joined the fray, beginning with Pong, the ever so simple game we used to think was the coolest thing besides free toys in cereal boxes. Currently the video game industry is one of the fastest growing industries in the world, spewing out countless new titles every year, helping us keep boredom at bay.

Now we have ipods, smart phones, electronic readers, and a host of other devices that distract us from ourselves. Their universal ringtone is, “Thou shall not be bored.” And that’s a call that we can’t help but answer. However it’s boredom that leads to innovation. It’s boredom that forces us to dig deep to discover new twists and turns on existing ideas, and then help us figure out new ideas to replace them with. If we continue to shut off each faucet, soon all our faucets will run dry, and we’ll have no way of reaching our inner core. And that not only impacts us as individuals, it narrows the potential field of innovators, and limits us as a society.

I might be a parent, but I’m no dinosaur. I’m amazed at the technology of today. It’s a lot of fun to be able to send texts to friends, or look something up on the internet, or dial up a tune on an ipod. But those devices have made boredom obsolete. And I worry how that’s impacting the creativity of our future scientists, artists, doctors, and entrepreneurs.

Kids towed the “I’m bored” party line back when I was growing up. But back then parents would say, “Figure something out.” And we did. We’d leave for the day, and somehow come up with all sorts of things to keep ourselves entertained. Some of these things I shall not repeat for fear of incriminating myself. And some of the things we did-like careening off a 10 foot jump on our banana seat bikes with no helmets and not much space for a landing-make me wonder how I was able to even have kids. But our boredom caused us to reflect, take in our surroundings, and devise some plan. It was creativity at work, something that is sorely missing today.

I realize it’s a different time with different rules. I don’t let my kids roam around the neighborhood doing whatever they want. And I certainly have a better sense of what they’re up to-at least that’s the party line I tell myself. But there is something to be said for allowing kids to figure it out for themselves. There is something to be said, for giving ourselves some space to wonder. We don’t need to fill up every moment with “noise” because those quiet moments of reflection help us find ourselves. And that’s when creativity can germinate, and grow.

Do you think boredom and creativity are linked?

What do you do when your kids say they’re bored?

Copyright 2010

Read in The MetroWest Daily newspaper.

 

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed by Saelen Ghose

Lately I’ve been having this strange sensation. After leaving the house and arriving at my destination, I say to myself, “Did I remember to wear pants?”

Seriously! I actually check myself to see, bracing for the screams that will most surely commence from shocked onlookers. After a tense moment of anticipation with no screams, I realize that once again, all is under control, and I do in fact have pants on.

I’m not sure what this is all about, but it’s somewhat alarming. And it seems to be part of a trend, rather than an isolated incident. It’s probably due to the fact that my head is so overwhelmed with life I can barely remember getting out of bed, let alone putting on pants. Like all of you, I’m trying to juggle a family, a job and my own personal journey, with not enough time in each day. This is tough to do, very tough.

So many sweet moments come and go every day and I’m panicked that I’m missing them, as if I’m driving down a highway lost in thought, unaware of the mile markers whizzing by me. To me, that is a TERROR far scarier than walking around without pants. Because memories are what make the moments last forever, giving us an endless replay of all of our experiences. And what else will I have to do when my eyes are so shot I can’t even check to SEE about my pants? At least I’ll be able to close my eyes and remember.

So it’s time to “restart” my brain and remove the clutter. But that’s harder said than done. See, I have this never ending TO DO LIST that grows with each day and occupies such a huge space in my cranial cavity. But what if I just chucked the actual list? That’s right, you GASP! But why not? I’ll just chuck it and let things resolve themselves organically. I mean do I really need to write down, “Buy Bread?” And I bet after it’s gone, the ghostly shell that I’ve become will fade, and my former attentive self will join the rest of the Homo Sapiens on the planet.

And if that doesn’t work and some sort of sacrifice is required, I’ll gladly hand over my pants. It seems like a small price to pay to enjoy a few new memories. And why not BE PRESENT in a life chocked full of precious moments to savor.

“Mommy why isn’t that man wearing pants?” Cut to SCREAMS!!

What would you be happy to sacrifice in order to be more present in your life?

Read article in newspaper:

MetroWestDaily



TGP Episode 24: The second time around

One of the greatest gifts children give to their parents is the chance to live life a second time around. Sai reads a piece he wrote for The Guy’s Perspective blog by that same name, with some quiet jazz playing in the background.

How are you planning on living life in the New Year? Status quo? Any changes? Please share your resolutions with us.

For more articles about life, fatherhood, and relationships visit our site at “The Guy’s Perspective dot com.”

TGP Podcast Promo

This is our one minute Guy’s Perspective blast! Thanks for listening to our show, and for all your generous reviews and comments. We appreciate it!

We’ve had a  little issue with the feed for our show this week. We apologize for the inconvenience. Rest assured we are working on it!

If you’re new here, you can subscribe to our show at itunes or Zune.

We have two interesting proposals for all of you.

1. If you, or anyone you know, wants to create a video from this one minute audio promo, we’d welcome any, and all submissions. We are open to any type of video as long as it’s appropriate to play on our site, or on itunes.
As we revamp our website we’re going to be posting all video submissions we get, and then we’re going to have all of you vote for the best one.
We’ll give the winner a modest cash prize, plus a weighty plug on our podcast, and website. This contest will run through November. We hope to post videos in December.
Be creative. Think out of the box. Send us something crazy, or something artsy, or something clever. Surprise us. Animated is fine. But be sure to use this exact audio. Download and good luck. (Send all submissions to our email or website)

support@theguysperspective.com

2. If you’d like to help us out, we’d appreciate it if any of you would play or post this audio promo on your website, podcast, Facebook page, etc. Or spread the word by passing this around to anyone you think might help promote our show. In return we’ll be happy to plug any of your endeavors….as long as they’re appropriate to do so on our site.

[display_podcast]

My annual ode to summer

Happy Fourth of July!

Written by “One of the Guys”

Summer holds a sacred place in the hearts of men. The warmth changes our perception. We feel empowered to turn possibility into reality. We play as if life weren’t as complicated as it is. We act like children, exploring the endless adventure that summer is. Beaches. Mountains. Bike Trails. Ball games. Amusement Parks. Bars. Barbecues.

As we prepare for our adventures, we lather on sunscreen, trying to prevent the streams of wear and tear on our faces from turning into rivers. We don a hat and the coolest pair of sunglasses we can afford, throw every possible accessory we might need into the trunk of our car, and head out to discover what we can discover. Or more aptly put, be open for what might discover us.

Summer is the season for improv. It’s the time we let life lead us instead of forcing the issue. And that alone makes it special.

But not me. No, my summer looks quite different from that. I’ll be doing Daddy Day Camp.

When I realized that I would be home with my kids all day,  I went into a panic. Yes, I love my kids unconditionally. I spend my days and nights trying to figure out ways to enrich their lives. But spending twelve hours a day, five days a week with three active kids was not something I was ready for.

I knew I would need some structure, so I formulated a plan in the form of Daddy Day Camp. If you’re not familiar with this term, it’s really quite simple. When dealing with three kids who specialize in being hungry all the time, forgetting to use the bathroom when it’s available, fighting over anything and everything, and throwing their stuff all over the house, you need something to stop this endless cycle.

My wife said, “Just get one of those big blow up pools. You know, the kind big enough to actually swim in. They can play in that all summer.”

I said, “But that would mean I have to supervise the whole time. That kind of  defeats the purpose really. I need stuff for them to do so I can get some of my own work done. I need more balance.”

She said, “Good luck with that.”

“Thanks Honey.”

So I instituted Daddy Day Camp.

The first day the kids and I had a meeting, where I handed out the daily agenda.

My middle guy said, “Dad this is summer. You’re not the boss of us. We get to do what we want!”

I said, “Where did you hear that nonsense? I’m the boss until you turn eighteen, or until you’re big enough to ignore me and then back it up. For now let’s go over the agenda.”

Number 1. Wake up. Eat a healthy breakfast without complaining.

Number 2. Practice piano, karate and anything else dad says to do.

(Kids are already rolling their eyes.)

Number 3. Tennis lessons with me. (They have that “OH NO” look.)

Number 4. Read. Draw. Or do something quiet so dad can work.

Number 5. Lunch.

(By now their eyes are coming out of their heads.)

Number 6. Quiet time in your rooms so dad can work. (They’re glancing at each other, so I have to throw them a bone.)

Number 7. Wii time. (Only if you’ve been quiet with no fighting.) (Yeah, right!)

Number 8. Play a sport or go on a field trip.

Number 9. Free time. Hang out time. Relax time.

Number 10. Early dinner.

Kids: Dad, this is going to be the worst summer ever!!

Me: Why, what’s wrong with the plan? It sounds fun to me.

Kids: It’s terrible.

Me: What’s wrong with it? You get to do a lot of cool stuff. We’ll check out some museums. We’ll go to the arboretum. We’ll play sports. I don’t see the problem.

Kids: The problem is, this is not what summer is about!!

Me: No? Well please enlighten me.

Kids: Summer is about fun. It’s about doing nothing. It’s about sitting in front of the TV or playing video games. It’s about shooting baskets without being instructed on the proper way to shoot a jump shot. It’s about us, not you.

Me: Hmm…..You make some good points there. But I’m going to have to veto all of them.

Kids: What? We don’t even know what that means.

Me: It means let’s get started. Number 1. Start eating!

So I hope all of you readers have a great summer. And please do me a favor. Think of me while you sip a cold drink of water, viewing a beautiful sunset, sitting on a vast mountaintop. I’ll be home, unshowered, dealing with the endless cycle of kids.

How do you achieve balance in the summer?

Any ideas? Thoughts? Help??

Is my relationship over?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating this guy for about 16 months. Things were great in the beginning as they usually are, but fast forward to now and they’re not. It all started when I suggested he visit a guy friend who needed to “talk.” Well, he didn’t come home that night. So, me being the “Leo” sign that I am, I left the house and figured two can play at this game. I went to a graduation party, leaving before he arrived. This of course blew up into a HUGE fight and the outcome was that he wanted out. He was done. We had done this dance before and we would always “kiss and make up.” This time was different. He meant it.

He has a problem with the fact that I’ve kept ties to my ex and his family. I have two boys from my previous marriage, 17 and 15. I consider them all to be family and this eats at my current boyfriend, even though my ex has tried to be friendly with him and talk to him at gatherings.

My boyfriend was also married twice before with two kids from his first wife. He sees the kids only in the summer. Other than that he has no ties with his ex.

So back to my question. At first I agreed we were done. I’m 39 and he’s 38 and we’re too old for games. However, the more I thought about our relationship and what we have overcome, the more I wanted to stay and try again. So I convinced him to stay and give it another go. I of course would need to cut ties to me ex-family and revive our sex life, which has fallen off. However, I’m not sure he really wants to try. He says he does but his actions say otherwise. He used to text me 200 times a day,(Exaggeration)but now he sends me 5 a day, maybe. He stopped letting me know what he is doing to the point to where I don’t know where he is and sometimes whether or not he’s coming home. I told him that if we were to work on our relationship it has to be both our efforts and I don’t see much coming from him.

What’s going on? Do I let the relationship go, even though we agreed to try?

Debbie

Dear Debbie,

Thanks for writing. That’s a lot to digest!

First of all we commend you for having your priorities straight. The fact that you and your ex-husband work hard at maintaining an amicable relationship says a lot about your character. Divorce is never ideal, but it certainly is much more healthy for the kids if the parents are on the same page and are working together.

Your relationship with your current boyfriend seems to be missing an important element that is vital for any relationship: TRUST! For some reason he doesn’t trust you to be with your ex and your previous family, and you to a certain extent don’t trust him to be out with the guys. You don’t mention a reason for him to be suspicious of you so we can only speculate here. Our best guess is your boyfriend has trust issues in general. And frankly it seems odd that he isn’t more understanding of your situation since he is also divorced with kids. Obviously, it must be hard for him to not see his kids for 10 months every year so we can see how he might feel jealous and resentful of your situation. This is not your fault, but something to be aware of.

However, all is not necessarily lost yet. But he needs to show that he really wants to make this work. Right now he’s not doing that. In fact he’s doing his best to push you away and have you make the final decision. If he doesn’t change his behavior very soon, it’s time for you to move on. And honestly, if we were you, we’d already be gone. It just doesn’t sound like the two of you are in the same place in your lives, even if it looks like that on paper.

The good news, and bad, is that your kids will be grown soon. And once they’re settled and on their own, you probably won’t have as much contact with your ex. This might make it easier to get in a less complicated relationship down the road, with a person who might respect you for your loyalty and devotion to your kids. They may even embrace your ex’s family.

So Debbie, please don’t compromise yourself, your values, and your kids to be with this man. If he truly wants to make it work he needs to step up to the plate big time. And then you both need to talk, talk, talk, and try to come to some true understanding of each other. Otherwise we know there are many good guys out there for you to meet. Good luck!

THE GUYS

ps. Zach, her boyfriend left his side of the story in the comments section. Please read to get the entire picture before you make a comment.

To ask us a relationship question, go to the “Ask the Guys” page on the website and leave us a note. We also answer questions on our podcast.

Don't give him so much Power!

From: “One of The Guys”

Tiger Woods is a scoundrel. That we can all agree upon. And if you’re not sure, just ask his wife Elin. She’ll sadly confirm this point.

Tiger has put himself in this position. He had it all. Fame. Talent. Money. Family. Now he has, himself and his one endorsement deal, Nike.

But why are we giving him so much power? Seriously, why!!??

You ready for this.

I used to root for Tiger. He’s a great golfer. No, he’s the best golfer in the world. It’s fun seeing someone from the younger generation try to surpass some of the legends of the past.

Guess what? I still root for him. Why you say? (Many of you might be bristling about this, but give a guy a chance please!)

Why do I still root for him? Because I don’t give Tiger that much power. He’s a golfer to me and that’s it. Just as other athletes are just that, athletes.

You might argue, “What about the kids of the world? We don’t want them rooting for someone who is such a bad guy!” That’s a valid point, but it actually supports my position, because we’re teaching our kids all wrong.

Confused?

Tiger learned from his Old Man. He learned the game of golf, but he also learned how to be an island. He learned how to take care of his own needs and put himself first. How else do you get to be the best player in the world? You have to be completely selfish. There is no other way! Being the best requires complete sacrifice and Tiger gladly did that. He sacrificed his family and the respect of the world to be the best. His dad taught him that because his dad was a selfish scoundrel too.

But in a very important way Tiger has it right. He looked up to his father and respected him. It’s not his fault that his dad was a terrible role model. He was a good son. And that’s what we should be teaching our kids. How to be respectful, attentive, generous, helpful, kind, sensitive, emphatic and curious  human beings.

Instead what are we creating? Entitled kids who walk around thinking they can have anything. And what they can’t have they take. It’s not their fault, they’re learning it from us, not Tiger Woods.

So we need to buckle down, stop pointing fingers at the likes of Tiger, and take some responsibility ourselves. We need to teach our children the difference between right and wrong. We need to teach them how to be solid and caring people. We need to teach them that Tiger is an awesome golfer and that’s all, and not the person they should aspire to become.

And if we do all that, maybe one day we’ll hear our children say this, as they play make believe in the back yard.

Our kids as the announcer: The crowd is tense. It’s the 18th green of the Masters with the tournament on the line. If he sinks this putt he wins it all……(Pause) The stroke looks solid. The ball is rolling. Rolling. It’s. It’s. It’s good. It’s good!! He sinks it! Daddy sinks the putt to win his first major championship!!!! And the crowd goes wild!!!!!!!!!!

If I ever hear those words, it will be music to my ears.

So now that you gave me a chance, what do you think? Where do you stand?

What's happened to creativity?

From: “One of The Guys”

Creativity seems to be a lost art, and it’s only getting worse. Couples rely on movies and take out to fill the weekend nights. Kids power up their video games to be entertained and the rest of the world surfs the web to get a glimpse into the lives of others.

Am I different? Not completely! And it’s scaring me.

For a long time I stopped reading books. I didn’t have time with my babies being, um babies, so I resorted to magazines to keep up on my reading. Quick, fast, entertaining and easy! This past year I started reading books again and it took me a long time to actually figure out how to read a book. I’m totally serious. I actually forgot how to “see” it in my mind, keep the characters straight, and follow the plot. This was due to my learned, short attention span, and my lengthy hiatus from the world of creativity.

But I managed to get it back slowly, and now I’ve realized that creativity can be lost too. Great, another thing to worry about! And I especially worry about it with my kids. They are creative, but only when it’s easy to be creative. They haven’t learned how to cope with “boredom” because they lack the vision to create something from what’s perceived as nothing.

So what’s happened to creativity?

Are relationships failing because creativity has become a dying art?

What do you think?

The truth is, we don’t NEED to be creative anymore. We can get many of our needs met without doing much mental work at all. So what happens is we fall into a routine that slowly wears away our mental sharpness.

But where does this all start?

I’ll tell you where. It starts at a very young age. In fact, right at my house.

Here’s how:

Let me start out by saying, I hate the Wii. We bought this video game system for our kids because they’d been begging for it for over a year. Not that their begging necessarily determines our actions. They’ve also begged for Pellet Guns, Guinea Pigs, Motorized Scooters and another sibling, for which they’ve gotten none.

Video Games have become part of “water cooler” talk in schools around the country, just like Pet Rocks, Smiley T shirts, Happy Days and Saturday Morning Cartoons were for me. We felt that it was important for our kids to be able to participate in those conversations, so we went ahead and told Santa to bring the Wii. We figured we could just limit it to weekends and that would be OK.

But here’s what’s happened.

It’s become the default game for them. And it seems to have drained them of all of their creativity.

Them: Dad, can we play the Wii?

Me: No, not right now. Think of something else to do.

Them: We’re bored. There’s nothing to do.

Me: Well, what did you do BEFORE you got the Wii?

Them: We can’t remember.

Me: What about Bionicles or dolls or sports? You used to like that.

Them: We just want to play Wii.

Me: Didn’t I just say no?

Them: C’mon.

So annoying. So I make them write a list of ten OTHER things they like to do. My oldest, who’s Mr. Make Believe has no problem with this. My daughter does it to please me. But my middle child. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Him: Dad, I can’t think of anything.

Me: Really? Nothing? Really?

Him: No, I can’t think of anything.

Me: Do you want some help?

(Silence. I interpret this as a yes…..mistake…….so I start trying to help…..big mistake!)

Me: Well, what sports do you like?

Him: I don’t know.

Me: You like baseball. And basketball. Soccer. What about tennis?

Him: Dad!!!!!!!!!! Now I can’t use any of those things!

Me: What!!? Why?

Him: Because you said them already. Now I can’t use them.

Me: What are talking about!!?? Of course you can use them. You like them.

Him: No, I can’t use them and I’m not putting them down on the list.

(Silence. So I keep pushing it)

Me: What about music? You like to play the piano right?

Him: Dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Fine, do it yourself. But you need to have five things written down before you do anything else. You hear me Mister?! (I’ve already caved from the ten things I originally said)

Him: Harumph…..

After twenty minutes he hands me the list. There are only two things on it.

Things I like to Do(His List)

1. Lie in Bed

2. Kind of read

I stare at this list. I think, “Oh my god, this took him twenty minutes to do?” I start panicking. “Now what kind of extra services is he going to need at school? He won’t be able to get past third grade.” I start sweating. “What’s happened to his creativity? Is it completely gone?”

Then I realize it. It hits me like a brick. The Wii has emptied the creativity out of my kids. No, I mean literally. These machines are evil. The truth is, the controllers the kids use are really electronic vacuums that suck all the creative juices out of whoever’s using them. These juices flow into the machine and back to the main headquarters. The gaming companies then use this creative energy to churn out more games and make more money. It’s pure genius!!  But now I’m onto them.

So after pondering  this epiphany I realize I still have my son to deal with.
So I tell him to go to his room, lie in bed and read.

He seemed to like that idea.

Finally I did something right. One of the firsts as his parent.

Now I need to devise my scheme to take down the video game companies. And that’s for another day.

So I ask you.

What’s happened to creativity?

Do you still get creative in your relationships? What kinds of things do you do to get creative? Bring it on!