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Tag Archive: parents

Hate crimes

Filed Under: Current Affairs, Essays, guys

Jun.04, 2010

Upon visiting one of our favorite blogs, AskCherlock, we read a piece entitled Hate Crimes, Women and the Internet.

Here is an excerpt from her piece. Please go to her blog to read the rest of the article, as well as other great articles on world events and politics. And leave her a comment.

“……hate crimes against women are increasing as we are perceived as soft targets. One must wonder what role the Internet plays in this. Perhaps the Internet has become a place where some socially isolated men (or women) find it easy to hide behind an avatar and spew venom or prey upon others due to some latent mental pathology.”

For those of you who don’t know the word misogyny, it means quite simply, “hatred of women” or “considering them less” or “despising them.”

The first thought that comes to mind, besides the shame of coincidentally being the same gender as some of these men, is sadness. What type of upbringing, or lack of upbringing, must a boy have had to turn into a man filled with this type of anger? Or maybe he just picked up subtle clues over a long period of time. Either way it starts with parents.

Arguments are part of relationships, but it’s how the arguments are conducted that impact children and teach them how to treat one another. If a child senses veiled threats, bullying, or witnesses abuse, he will make mental notes about how relationships work. And ultimately he will conduct himself in a similar manner if not worse.

However it’s not always so obvious. Sometimes it could be simply, a boy hears remarks about how woman look and act. Over time these remarks gain momentum and make it clear to the boys that women are in fact just objects. And it’s a lot easier to hate an object than it is a person.

Discussing origins is one thing, but intervening to stop these types of crimes is a whole different ball game. However, do we really have a choice? Cher discusses how the internet is playing a role in hate crimes. We can see how easy it is to start a blog or a forum, and throw out all sorts of venomous barbs with little or no consequences. For in many ways the internet is truly the wild frontier with its own laws and it’s own sense of justice. But we are not helpless to combat this type of thing. We must put on our sheriff’s hats and rally together and speak up.

Hate crimes against anyone should never be tolerated!!

If we work together as a united front, it’s possible we can help stop a few tragedies from happening. Please do your part to spread the word.

THE GUYS

Tags: boys, guys, hate crime, internet, men, misogyny, parents, sheriff, women

How to have a conversation

Filed Under: How to

Apr.24, 2010

From: THE GUYS

People have been coming to our site with questions, and sadly we haven’t had all the answers. Here are some recent examples.

How to take a sophomore to the Prom?

How to talk to a guy after a fight?

How to paralyze someone? (Huh? This still makes us laugh and cringe!)

So to help out our readers, we decided to start our own How To series. Let’s begin.

The art of conversation has taken a nosedive in recent years. Why? We’re out of practice. Technology has had a lot to do with this, since we use our devices to do much of the talking for us. But really the blame lies with us, because we’ve stopped valuing face-to-face communication.

At an early age we learn how to converse from our parents. We observe their body language as they discuss household chores. We watch them handle sensitive topics like who’s night is it to be up with the baby. We see how they argue, and hopefully resolve problems. It’s a complicated and delicate dance for sure, and difficult to learn. But it takes a lot of time and practice. Hopefully this guide will help you become aware of the finer points of good conversation, and get you started on your way to becoming an artful conversationalist, or maybe just a little less boring.

Let’s pretend you’re meeting someone new or you’re on a first date. Here are ten things that might help you keep it interesting, or at least yawn free.

1. Greet the person with a smile. Getting off to the right start is key to having a good conversation. Smiling breaks the ice and lets the person know you’re happy to see them, or at least eager to get to know them. Otherwise they start to think, “Do I have a furry woodland creature coming out of my nose? And I don’t even have a tissue.”

2. Keep eye contact. And that doesn’t mean bore a hole through their head. You don’t want to scare them right away. Save that for later when you tell them about your latest stint in rehab. This means, look at them when they’re speaking, or for that matter, when you’re speaking. And please don’t constantly glance at the big flat screen TV or the cute waiter or waitress. Those are big No Nos!

3. Ask them questions that are relevant. Whether you care about the topic being discussed or not is irrelevant, because the primary goal is to get to know the person better. If they’re discussing Yoga passionately ask them to tell you their morning routine, or what is their favorite pose, or what would be something good for a beginner to try. Don’t ask them to show you Downward-Facing Dog, or what they look like in their outfit, or if all Yoga people use Patchouli, or how does the mat feel on their soft skin. That’s creepy and pretty much a conversation stopper!

4. Don’t redirect. We like to talk about ourselves. And there is nothing wrong with that. However, flipping the conversation to give yourself a platform for pontificating about your Iron Man training or your Dog Grooming business won’t win you a new fan. If you feel it’s relevant to interject a personal experience about the topic at hand that is completely appropriate, but then please redirect back to them. Sorry did I say, don’t redirect?

5. Read their body language. This isn’t always easy, so here are some tips. If the person has tears dripping down their face, it’s best to stop talking about your fascinating Cigar or Porcelain Figurine collections. If they keep looking at their water glass like it should be in the Louvre, it’s best you stop talking about your last partner’s annoying habit of picking the calluses off their feet. And if your friend starts to look at the waiter or waitresses or the big screen TV, even without SOUND, it’s best to ask them a relevant question quickly.

6. Listen. No, for real. Listen!! This doesn’t mean, listen for the first opening to inject some clever quip. This means listen, and show them you are interested in what they’re saying by looking at them(#2), and asking them relevant questions(#3). Listening is an art form in itself. It takes practice. So practice on your buddies, or on your boss, but don’t go out on dates to practice listening, unless you like going on a lot of first dates.

7. Show that you’re interested. This goes along with listening. One way to show interest in what they are talking about is to use their name when you ask them a question. “Jane/Jon, I heard that apples bring on physical reactions during allergy season. Is that true?” Of course they’d better be talking about some sort of homeopathic remedy to ask a question like that. (Remember, keep it relevant!) Using a person’s name is very effective and will immediately tell the person you are focused only on them. Some other obvious things. Eye contact(#2). And body language(#5). Don’t slouch, glance or pick anything. Sit upright and maybe even lean forward a bit and nod your head. One Word of Caution. You are not auditioning for a play. Don’t overact or overuse any of these things, or you’ll win the “Worst Impression of a Conversationalist” at the next SAG awards.

8. Don’t share too much. By all means tell the person about yourself. They want to get to know you too. But don’t get too personal. You don’t have to share about those funny spots that cover your neck beneath your turtleneck, or the time you and some friends woke up naked inside the science museum, or the fact that you tend to yell out “mommy” when you sleep. These are things best left to mention after you’re married.

9. Show you have a sense of humor. It helps if you are funny, but that doesn’t mean telling jokes. This is not a comedy act and your friend is not your audience. You can certainly try to inject funny remarks or a few humorous stories into the conversation. It’s even OK to gently tease your friend. Teasing is a form of flirting and can be very attractive, but please be subtle. Don’t make fun of any physical features, or their family or friends. Another note of caution. Don’t try to be funny if you’re not. You can always show you know how to have a good time by laughing with them. Which brings us to our last point.

10. Be yourself. Be genuine. Don’t change the way you do things just to make a good impression. If you’re not one to talk a lot, then listen a ton and ask questions. If you’re used to dominating conversations, then get your friend involved. The best you can do is show the person you are interested and let them know who you are.

Conclusion: Avoid the yawn. This is your goal for the entire night. Once your new friend yawns the night’s over. It doesn’t matter if they say they’re tired, or they had a long day at work. Those are all nice ways of saying, “Check please.”

So relax and have a good time. You might be surprised at how stimulating a good conversation can be.

If not you can always go home and play with your ipad.

Do you have any funny, scary, horrible or awesome conversations you would like to share with everyone?

Or do you have any more advice on how to have a conversation?

Tags: ask questions, body language, boring, communication, conversation, eye contact, funny, How to, listen, parents, sense of humor, smile, speaking, talking, yawn, yoga

Don't give him so much Power!

Filed Under: Current Affairs, Essays, Ideas, kids, parenting, relationships

Apr.12, 2010

From: “One of The Guys”

Tiger Woods is a scoundrel. That we can all agree upon. And if you’re not sure, just ask his wife Elin. She’ll sadly confirm this point.

Tiger has put himself in this position. He had it all. Fame. Talent. Money. Family. Now he has, himself and his one endorsement deal, Nike.

But why are we giving him so much power? Seriously, why!!??

You ready for this.

I used to root for Tiger. He’s a great golfer. No, he’s the best golfer in the world. It’s fun seeing someone from the younger generation try to surpass some of the legends of the past.

Guess what? I still root for him. Why you say? (Many of you might be bristling about this, but give a guy a chance please!)

Why do I still root for him? Because I don’t give Tiger that much power. He’s a golfer to me and that’s it. Just as other athletes are just that, athletes.

You might argue, “What about the kids of the world? We don’t want them rooting for someone who is such a bad guy!” That’s a valid point, but it actually supports my position, because we’re teaching our kids all wrong.

Confused?

Tiger learned from his Old Man. He learned the game of golf, but he also learned how to be an island. He learned how to take care of his own needs and put himself first. How else do you get to be the best player in the world? You have to be completely selfish. There is no other way! Being the best requires complete sacrifice and Tiger gladly did that. He sacrificed his family and the respect of the world to be the best. His dad taught him that because his dad was a selfish scoundrel too.

But in a very important way Tiger has it right. He looked up to his father and respected him. It’s not his fault that his dad was a terrible role model. He was a good son. And that’s what we should be teaching our kids. How to be respectful, attentive, generous, helpful, kind, sensitive, emphatic and curious human beings.

Instead what are we creating? Entitled kids who walk around thinking they can have anything. And what they can’t have they take. It’s not their fault, they’re learning it from us, not Tiger Woods.

So we need to buckle down, stop pointing fingers at the likes of Tiger, and take some responsibility ourselves. We need to teach our children the difference between right and wrong. We need to teach them how to be solid and caring people. We need to teach them that Tiger is an awesome golfer and that’s all, and not the person they should aspire to become.

And if we do all that, maybe one day we’ll hear our children say this, as they play make believe in the back yard.

Our kids as the announcer: The crowd is tense. It’s the 18th green of the Masters with the tournament on the line. If he sinks this putt he wins it all……(Pause) The stroke looks solid. The ball is rolling. Rolling. It’s. It’s. It’s good. It’s good!! He sinks it! Daddy sinks the putt to win his first major championship!!!! And the crowd goes wild!!!!!!!!!!

If I ever hear those words, it will be music to my ears.

So now that you gave me a chance, what do you think? Where do you stand?

Tags: champion, cheating, fame, family, golf, kids, Masters, money, parenting, parents, power, respect, sacrifice, scoundrel, selfish, Teach kids, Tiger Woods, tournament

What's happened to creativity?

Filed Under: Current Affairs, Essays, Humor, Ideas, guys, kids, parenting

Mar.26, 2010

From: “One of The Guys”

Creativity seems to be a lost art, and it’s only getting worse. Couples rely on movies and take out to fill the weekend nights. Kids power up their video games to be entertained and the rest of the world surfs the web to get a glimpse into the lives of others.

Am I different? Not completely! And it’s scaring me.

For a long time I stopped reading books. I didn’t have time with my babies being, um babies, so I resorted to magazines to keep up on my reading. Quick, fast, entertaining and easy! This past year I started reading books again and it took me a long time to actually figure out how to read a book. I’m totally serious. I actually forgot how to “see” it in my mind, keep the characters straight, and follow the plot. This was due to my learned, short attention span, and my lengthy hiatus from the world of creativity.

But I managed to get it back slowly, and now I’ve realized that creativity can be lost too. Great, another thing to worry about! And I especially worry about it with my kids. They are creative, but only when it’s easy to be creative. They haven’t learned how to cope with “boredom” because they lack the vision to create something from what’s perceived as nothing.

So what’s happened to creativity?

Are relationships failing because creativity has become a dying art?

What do you think?

The truth is, we don’t NEED to be creative anymore. We can get many of our needs met without doing much mental work at all. So what happens is we fall into a routine that slowly wears away our mental sharpness.

But where does this all start?

I’ll tell you where. It starts at a very young age. In fact, right at my house.

Here’s how:

Let me start out by saying, I hate the Wii. We bought this video game system for our kids because they’d been begging for it for over a year. Not that their begging necessarily determines our actions. They’ve also begged for Pellet Guns, Guinea Pigs, Motorized Scooters and another sibling, for which they’ve gotten none.

Video Games have become part of “water cooler” talk in schools around the country, just like Pet Rocks, Smiley T shirts, Happy Days and Saturday Morning Cartoons were for me. We felt that it was important for our kids to be able to participate in those conversations, so we went ahead and told Santa to bring the Wii. We figured we could just limit it to weekends and that would be OK.

But here’s what’s happened.

It’s become the default game for them. And it seems to have drained them of all of their creativity.

Them: Dad, can we play the Wii?

Me: No, not right now. Think of something else to do.

Them: We’re bored. There’s nothing to do.

Me: Well, what did you do BEFORE you got the Wii?

Them: We can’t remember.

Me: What about Bionicles or dolls or sports? You used to like that.

Them: We just want to play Wii.

Me: Didn’t I just say no?

Them: C’mon.

So annoying. So I make them write a list of ten OTHER things they like to do. My oldest, who’s Mr. Make Believe has no problem with this. My daughter does it to please me. But my middle child. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Him: Dad, I can’t think of anything.

Me: Really? Nothing? Really?

Him: No, I can’t think of anything.

Me: Do you want some help?

(Silence. I interpret this as a yes…..mistake…….so I start trying to help…..big mistake!)

Me: Well, what sports do you like?

Him: I don’t know.

Me: You like baseball. And basketball. Soccer. What about tennis?

Him: Dad!!!!!!!!!! Now I can’t use any of those things!

Me: What!!? Why?

Him: Because you said them already. Now I can’t use them.

Me: What are talking about!!?? Of course you can use them. You like them.

Him: No, I can’t use them and I’m not putting them down on the list.

(Silence. So I keep pushing it)

Me: What about music? You like to play the piano right?

Him: Dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Fine, do it yourself. But you need to have five things written down before you do anything else. You hear me Mister?! (I’ve already caved from the ten things I originally said)

Him: Harumph…..

After twenty minutes he hands me the list. There are only two things on it.

Things I like to Do(His List)

1. Lie in Bed

2. Kind of read

I stare at this list. I think, “Oh my god, this took him twenty minutes to do?” I start panicking. “Now what kind of extra services is he going to need at school? He won’t be able to get past third grade.” I start sweating. “What’s happened to his creativity? Is it completely gone?”

Then I realize it. It hits me like a brick. The Wii has emptied the creativity out of my kids. No, I mean literally. These machines are evil. The truth is, the controllers the kids use are really electronic vacuums that suck all the creative juices out of whoever’s using them. These juices flow into the machine and back to the main headquarters. The gaming companies then use this creative energy to churn out more games and make more money. It’s pure genius!! But now I’m onto them.

So after pondering this epiphany I realize I still have my son to deal with.
So I tell him to go to his room, lie in bed and read.

He seemed to like that idea.

Finally I did something right. One of the firsts as his parent.

Now I need to devise my scheme to take down the video game companies. And that’s for another day.

So I ask you.

What’s happened to creativity?

Do you still get creative in your relationships? What kinds of things do you do to get creative? Bring it on!

Tags: boredom, creative, creativity, kids, Nintendo, parenting, parents, relationships, video games, Wii

The Uniform

Filed Under: Essays, guys, kids, parenting, relationships, sports

Feb.27, 2010

This is a different kind of post today. This is the first installation in a three part miniseries where we’ll share some memorable moments in our lives.

However, we’d like to do more than just stroll down memory lane. We’d also like to recognize some of you, our readers, who we’ve connected with since entering the world of blogging. For the next three posts, we’ll be sharing stories from different stages of our lives, and at the same time we’ll be recognizing some blogs that we love and follow that also share some of these same types of stories and experiences…….well at least in some way. We took some liberties of course.

So here we go. Let’s start with the early years. A first person account.

In first grade I knew I was going to be a baseball player. I knew it in my bones and I knew it in my mind. And if you stood close enough to me, you could smell the scent of leather, dirt and grass oozing from my pores.

But I wanted to show the world how much I loved it. So I begged my parents to buy me a baseball uniform. When my Cleveland Indians uniform arrived in the mail, I was in heaven. I had never seen something so beautiful….well except in those magazines I used to find in the attic….. but I digress…….I ripped off the packaging and immediately put in on, and like some strange hermetic seal, it bonded with my body.

In fact, and this is the complete truth, I wore that baseball uniform to school every day! I mean, every day in first grade! I was so serious about this that I would hide the uniform in my bottom drawer of my dresser on the weekends, for fear that if I put it in the dirty clothes bin, it would not be washed and ready for school on Monday.

Of course for some reason I never noticed that all the grass and dirt stains were gone come every Monday. My mom later told me that she used to sneak in and grab the uniform and wash it every weekend, and then put it back. That’s very funny to think about now.

But looking back I’m amazed that my parents actually let me wear that uniform every day. I mean, what did the other parents think? Did they have to endure the stares and recriminations of other parents at the school? Or maybe they just didn’t give a shit. Good for them I say if that’s the case.

So I think about that uniform and wish I still had it today. It represented unbridled love, passion, and all the possibilities life had in store for me. But if I close my eyes, I can still feel every fiber of that uniform even today. And it’s a good reminder to me, that every day brings new moments to cherish, and new possibilities. And as I smile, remembering, a few layers of stress fall away, still smelling like baseball.

So now we’d like to recognize some of the blogs that recount stories of childhood, or give us insight into the world of parenting. Or, maybe just other blogs about personal experiences.Check these great sites out!

(And remember, in the next two posts to come, we’ll have more sites for you to explore. We won’t forget our loyal readers and fellow bloggers. But there’s a lot of you that we love, so be patient! Enjoy!)

Psycho Carnival

Momma Mia Culpa

The Mommy Blog

One Crazy Brunette Chick

Always Musing

Barbara’s Meanderings