A confused girl; the prom

The prom 

Also Read:

Do looks matter?   and  High school dating: Am I hot or not? 

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Dear Guys,

I’m a senior in high school and prom is two months away.

I switched schools my junior year and I’ve had trouble making friends—from being shy—so I’m not really close friends with anyone at my new school, especially with guys. Also, I’ve never been asked to anything before, so I’m a little worried that I won’t get asked for prom.

So I guess my question is this: Should I dwell on having a date, if I don’t get asked? Should I even go at all?

Thank you for reading,

Morgan

Dear Morgan,

Thanks for your question.

There’s a lot of hype and fantasy around high school prom. Boys are often told by their older brothers, or older guys “that know,” that it’s a night where girls will be more open to giving up the “goods” so to speak. Just the thought of that possibility is enough to make them woozy with excitement. For girls, prom is sometimes thought of as a trial run to that magical wedding they hope to have someday. But the reality is, the actual night certainly can be fun, but it rarely lives up to expectations.

But still, we encourage you to go if at all possible, because for every person the experience is different. Some people actually do have a great time, and it is a unique part of the high school experience that only happens at this time in your life. But we’d recommend going with another person. (Going by yourself won’t be much fun, unless you go with a group of other singles. But that might be difficult since you don’t know many people at the school.)

But there are other options besides having a guy ask you out and going by yourself. The key is to not dwell on the date aspect of this. Who constitutes your “date” can be very loosely defined.

The person could be:

1. An official date where a boy asks you to go.

2. A guy friend whom you feel comfortable going with as just friends.

3. A girl friend whom you feel comfortable going as friends so you can check out the scene.

If there’s no one at your new school to go with, have you thought about asking someone from your old school? It might seem far-fetched but it’s not. A few of  us (GUYS) went to proms at other schools, even in other states. (And of course a few of us didn’t even go to prom.) There’s also the option of going to the prom at your old school. Did you have someone special there? Even just a good friend to go with? Something to think about.

Morgan, give it another few weeks; if it looks like you’re not going to get asked—and don’t feel badly about this because high school boys won’t ask a girl unless they’re sure the girl will say yes; and since you’re new, and no one really knows you that well, you are a mystery, and thus not a sure thing—you need to get proactive and see if you can find a date to go with. We know this isn’t ideal, but it’s worth making the effort.

However, Morgan, if nothing works out, treat yourself to something fun that night, and try not to worry about it. It’s not a reflection of you, it’s just circumstance.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Dear Guys,

Before I start my explanation I just want to say I’m sorry for how long this might end up being but I feel you must know certain things to understand everything. In other words this is going to be one hell of an explanation.

So there’s this guy that I’m friends with. I’ve known him for 5 years and I’ve liked him for a while now. I think it was a year or two ago he had said that he didn’t like me the way I liked him. I told him.(Which I feel like I shouldn’t have). We’re still close friends and we hang out and we can pretty much tell each other stuff. He also acts very differently with me than the other girls. My friends think he’s a flirt and a jerk but they don’t really know him like I do.

Just last summer when we were hanging out and we were dared to kiss—well actually make out. At first he didn’t want to because I could tell he felt a little awkward. However in the end we did kiss and not just once but twice—both a dare and the second time longer than the first. And after our make out session he had told me that he was “wooded.” (In other words, he was turned on but he said he didn’t know why for it doesn’t always happen.)

Also, about a month ago I was going to ask him to prom. In our conversation before I asked him he said he didn’t want to go. That’s when I said well I would’ve gone with you just as friends if you wanted. I then found out later from him that he had decided to go to prom so I was going to ask him by actually asking the question but we got interrupted. So instead I decided to use my drawing talent and draw his favorite football player catching a ball in the endzone with “prom” in the football. I guess I waited too long to ask because when I asked him he said “sorry but I already have a date.” But he still wanted to keep the picture. (I heard that he said it was special to him.)

Before prom I took a picture with him in which he held me tightly around the waist. After the picture, he did seem to let go of me slowly and when he let go completely our hands brushed. He then put his fingers slightly in between my own to interlock them slightly. I was surprised by his unexpected touch and as I responded the girl who asked him to prom called him over and that ended. Then at prom I’d be dancing with my friends then he’d appear somewhere near me. No matter where I went he was always there. I did dance with him once, in which we were very close to each other. But that as well was interrupted by his date who was calling him over to take a group picture that she was paying for. When she called him he seemed to not hear her though she wasn’t far and everyone could hear her. Then when he did hear her he was unsure/confused on what to do, for he hesitated in letting my waist go, and he let go slowly saying “sorry”. We didn’t dance again after that for he didn’t want to be disrespectful to his date.

What I’m confused about is well everything he has done. He says he doesn’t like me but we kissed; he didn’t have to but did and seemed to enjoy it because apparently that doesn’t always happen. And what was that before and at prom? Was that hand thing an accident and I’m just thinking too much? Why did he let me go slowly twice? And why was he always dancing with his date somewhere next to me? What the hell do I do?! I’m soo confused. Does he like me or not? Help me please!

Sincerely,
Carly, A very confused 18 yr old girl

P.S. Again I’m so sorry this is ridiculously long and detailed.

Dear Carly,

Thanks for your question. We don’t mind long and detailed at all. It gives us more information to formulate an opinion.

Your guy sounds as confused as you are, but a lot of it is his age. Teenage guys are especially “all over the place.” His hormones are going nuts; he’s surrounded by cute girls; he and his friends are competing; and he’s trying to keep it all together and look cool. And it isn’t possible.

Yes, you’re getting mixed signals, but we think you have to listen to what he’s saying. We understand the two of you had a moment, and it’s obvious he enjoyed himself, but that doesn’t mean he wants anything more than that, especially since he said he didn’t. “Getting wood” as you say, could happen just as easily while walking down the hallway at school, as it can making out with a girl. We’re not saying he wasn’t turned on by your “session” but just that the two things—physical contact and emotional bonds—are not necessarily linked for teenage guys. (Or for any guy for that matter.)

It also seems to us that if he was really into you the way you’re hoping, he would have asked YOU to the prom, instead of keeping his options open and then going with the first person who asked him. And that would explain why he might have been flirting with you at the dance. It’s likely he wasn’t way into his date. She asked, and he accepted. Simple as that. So he was letting you know that even though he was at the dance with her, he was not “taken.”

But Carly, just because he’s still available doesn’t mean he’s waiting for you, or that you’ll be happy if you ended up with him. We think he has some growing up to do. If it doesn’t bother you too much, why don’t you stay friends with him and just see what happens? Maybe in a few years he’ll mature and realize what a wonderful catch you are. But our gut tells us if something happens now, which it certainly could, it will be short lived and you’ll be more confused, and possibly resentful and hurt when it ends.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up comment, either with new information, another question related to this, or your thoughts.

Here’s another post you might find interesting. Check it out.

Do looks matter?

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. One comment you said struck a funny chord with us: you said he didn’t always get “wood” when he made out. Is it possible he’s gay? We’re just wondering. That might explain some of the other inconsistencies as well. Of course we’re just sayin’. It crossed our mind so we figured we’d throw it our there.

Please let your friends know about us. Subscribe to our blog feed and/or podcast feed. And join us on Facebook.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Last week’s questions:

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Is this boy playing me?

He’s back, but is he into me?

This week’s questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

So, I just had prom. I was standing by myself and a boy that I know came up to me randomly to talk to me. He wasn’t my date or anything. When he was talking to me, it seemed like he wanted to ask me a question, but didn’t talk very much. He just came off the dance floor and was taking a break. I wanted to ask him if he wanted to dance, but I thought that would be awkward. Help please?

(We asked her to elaborate a bit.)

Yeah…mainly if he’s interested and how to follow up. And what should I do if it happens again. The convo ended on an awkward note before he left. I really wasn’t paying attention to him because I was finding my friend. But I like this person too, if that helps. Thank you!

Allyson

Dear Allyson,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’re assuming both you and this boy didn’t have formal dates. Which means both of you are single.

So how do you know this boy? Do you have classes together?

If he’s really interested, and not too shy-which we assume he isn’t because he approached you-then he’s probably trying to figure out a way to run into you so he can talk to you. Is there a way you can make this easier for him? Do you know his schedule, or does he play sports that you could go see, etc?

However, if he got the vibe that you weren’t interested since the conversation ended awkwardly then he might have already given up. If that’s the case you need to take the initiative. You could do this with the help of your friends, or you could figure out how to run into him and go from there. What about the cafeteria? We know that kids claim their territory and any kind of deviation in table seating can cause problems, but is it possible for you and some friends to eat next to his table? It might make it easier to have a follow up conversation. Or is there a local place that people go to? Find out where he hangs out and show up with some friends.

In the future, if you’re really interested in a guy, do everything you can to NOT make it awkward. Teenage guys are very insecure, even the guys who pretend they aren’t by strutting their stuff. It’s really hard for young guys to approach a girl because they aren’t used to being rejected like older guys, and also because young people in general will do anything they can to not look foolish in front of their friends. Guys are notorious for making fun of each other, and getting “dogged” by a girl is prime fodder. So understand when a guy comes to talk with you he’s taking a big chance, even if it doesn’t seem like it. So if you are interested make it easy on him. If you’re not, then the more awkward the better.

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Feel free to join in the discussion and follow up with us. Leave us a comment. And let your friends know they can ask us any question any time. We know Prom season is ripe for confusion.

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Question 1:

If a guy talks to you on and off, going through little stages such as talks to you a whole bunch, smiles at you, tells you he thinks you’re cute. Then suddenly he stops talking to you, stops smiling at you, then all together stops talking to you, and then ignores you, then goes for my friend, what in the hell does this even mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guys: Unfortunately this means this guy is a scoundrel. Of course you don’t say how old he is, so it could just be that he’s young and confused. A young guy is like a squirrel that comes across a yard full of nuts and flits around from one to the other, not knowing which to store first. It’s baffling to us too, and we’re Guys. So our best advice to you is move on, don’t be discouraged, and find yourself some wholesome nerd who will treat you right.

Question 2:

How big is the tooth fairy?

Guys: In our best estimation the tooth fairy is small enough to covertly sneak into houses, but strong enough to carry a whole lot of money around. Of course these days with the value of the dollar plummeting, money isn’t that heavy, so the tooth fairy truly could be a tiny little thing. The best thing to do is keep your eyes closed and sleep. From what we little we know on the subject, the tooth fairy won’t come if you’re awake. So ask yourselves this question. Would you rather be knowledgeable or rich?

Question 3:

My date sniffed me. Why?

Guys: Sniffed you where? And was it audible? Look, what’s wrong with a good sniff? That means he’s way into you. You might have an issue if he comes in the bathroom while you’re reading a magazine and takes a huge sniff and says, “That made my day.” (Although that might not even be a deal breaker. And do females even do that?) Guys do the “darndest” things. We’d say, enjoy the attention.

Question 4:

What if a guy asked me to slow dance at the prom?

Guys: Is this your date? We’re assuming that it is. What we think you’re asking is, “What can I expect during a slow dance at the prom?” If this is the case, you can expect exactly what you’re worried about; a slow moving tubular object that hardens as it creeps up your leg. Sorry, not much else to say. Don’t be too frightened, it’s pretty normal.

If you have questions for the guys, leave us a note on the “Ask the Guys” page. And check out the archives on that same page for previous questions and/or topics we’ve addressed. And yes, we do answer serious questions too.

We also answer questions on our Podcast.

Part three will be coming soon.

From: “One of The Guys”

Where I went to school, there were only two proms; a junior high prom (7th-9th grade) and a senior prom. Expectations were huge for both proms, but I can only speak for the guys. It was the night where we hoped inhibitions might be cast aside, at least for one special night, and maybe we’d somehow convince our date, usually our girlfriend, to go where she had never gone before.

But it wasn’t like that for me. Far from it.

In 9th grade I started dating a very nice girl probably around May. So it was a “no brainer” that I would be going with her to the Prom……Well, ah.., NO!! She had already committed to a friend of hers, not a boyfriend, and she felt that she should keep that commitment. She was a lot more mature that most of the people at the school and she probably did the right thing, but not necessarily something that most 9th graders would have done. And to me, it was a drag.

So I ended up going with a close friend of mine who also didn’t have a date and we had a good time. But it was awkward seeing my girlfriend dancing to “Stairway to Heaven” and “Freebird” with another guy. And the night, while fun, never turned into that magical night that I had dreamed about.

My junior year in high school I started dating a senior in the spring. I have no idea why she liked me because her previous boyfriend had been the captain of the football team, but she did. So we started dating.

At this point, I was still pretty green, but she wasn’t, which made the whole thing even more baffling to me. I was like a human playing with a vampire, which honestly scared the crap out of me, even though I liked it too.  We were still together in June, so she asked me to go to the senior prom. Wow! All THE GUYS thought I was THE MAN! (If they only knew.)

Once again the anticipation grew and grew. However, I wasn’t steering this ship. It was clear she was in charge, picking the color of my tux,  the restaurant we ate at and the after hour party we attended. I was like a stick adrift on a river, just merrily floating to and fro. But this is where it gets blurry for me. Somehow the night just went from bad to worse and we ended up breaking up. Seriously!! We broke up on Prom night! And looking back on it, I’m sure she was still in love with this former captain of the football team who had arrived home from college the week before. I found out later, he had been wooing her since he arrived. Who could resist, right? (Sarcasm)

But I rebounded fast  from that traumatic evening. And of course, I still had my senior prom to go to. That was going to be great!

Well the spring came around and I was single, having broken up with a girl in February. But as luck would have it, I started dating a great girl in May and now I had a date. Phew, close one!!

Ahhh….NO!!!…………Deja vu……my girlfriend had already committed to going with someone else and once again she felt she should honor that commitment. What is up with these girls!!!???

So now I had no date………Well…….. (And you’re gonna love this)

My 9th grade prom date, as I mentioned before had moved away to Texas in 10th grade. However, she kept in touch with a lot of people from our high school still, and her girlfriends told me she would be back in town during our prom. They said I should ask her because she would love to go. And since I didn’t have a date, I thought it sounded like a good idea.

I don’t need to go into details. We had fun. And I was glad I went. But really, let’s be honest. I’m pretty sure I’m the only guy on the planet that this happened to…….. TWICE!

We’d love to hear about your prom expectations and experiences!
Please share!

And take some time to browse through some of these great sites.

Adventures of Starting Over

Date Girl Diaries

Beaming Balance

I Should a Been a Stripper

Luvem or Leavem

The Lola Vibe

Kelly Seal

It’s all a matter of Perspective

Love Skeptic

LionSlinger

Naughtie Scribe

Self-Esteem Blog for Women

Symphony of Love

Self-Help Wellness

The Life of Annie

Without Dash

Advice Goddess

Chaotically Calm

The Blogess

At My Soiree

Next Post: In our third installment of this miniseries we’ll be covering…..well, it will be a surprise…..and of course we’ll be highlighting our last group of great sites.