I slept with my virgin friend; bad decision, and now I feel badly

Hey Guys,

Yeah I’m a guy and this is stupid but I have a lot in my mind and can’t seem to think of a good answer. I recently went out with a few friends to go drink and have a good time at the beach. We got pretty drunk and I ended up doing it with my homegirl. I feel badly because she was a virgin. I didn’t mean to do it but the beer got to me I guess. And well now she’s mad at me and hardly wants to talk now. She’s really special and fun but I don’t like her like that; I really just wanted to have fun not have sex. Ugh, please I don’t know what to do. The only thing I’ve come up with is letting my friends beat the crap out of me for being stupid, but I still don’t think that would change anything.

Any advice ?

Charlie

Charlie,

Thanks for your question. It certainly isn’t stupid. What would be stupid is letting your friends beat the crap out of you. That probably isn’t the best solution to this situation, or a solution at all.

First you need to understand why your friend is so mad at you. Here are some possibilities:

1. She wishes she saved herself for someone else. And she’s upset at herself, but taking it out on you.

2. She feels used by you. Mainly because she wants a relationship with you and realizes you don’t feel the same.

3. She now realizes that things are forever changed between the two of you and it makes her sad.

4. The experience didn’t live up to the fantasy she had in her mind. (Rarely does from our experience.)

So which is it? If we were betting guys we’d go with a combination of all of them, but more concentrated with #2. So you see Charlie, it’s not that you took her virginity, it’s that you don’t want anything more. She’s upset that you just want to go back to being friends. She doesn’t want that, otherwise she wouldn’t have slept with you in the first place.

So stop feeling guilty about the virginity piece and start feeling guilty about the using her piece. (We’re kind of kidding.) We know things happen, especially when there’s drink involved. All you can do now is be honest with her. Tell her that it was fun—make her feel good about the first time—but also tell her you don’t want to lose her as a friend, and how important she is in your life. In essence, by being with her, you’re afraid you’re going to lose her. (This is our interpretation of your note. We apologize if we’re missing something.)

Look Charlie, it’s clear you have a heart and a conscience. You’re going to make mistakes all throughout your life, but it’s best to face them straight on. And if your friends beat the crap out of you, you’re going to have a hard time looking her in the eye through the bandages. You can do this. You can make this right by being honest. And then try to be a supportive friend to her if she wants that.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Hey, let your friends know about us. Thanks! We’re happy to give our opinion on any other guy related questions.

 

she’s a big girl.

Are tall women an issue for men?

Dear Guys,

Why don’t tall women get lifted and carried by their men? (Why don’t they get attention?) Sure, I’ve seen tall women get attention and affection from men, but whenever there’s that cute short lady around, no doubt men give them little hugs and squeezes and wrap their arms around them etc. Some say tall women are intimidating. So why should tall women even bother trying to date if men find them to be inferior to short women?—judging by how shorter women get selected more times than tall women by all men. If the tall lady doesn’t make you feel as powerful on the inside or outside what do you men even see in them? And I’m not talking about their big hearts either.

Racquel

Dear Racquel,

Thanks for your question. (And your concerns!)

This is not about tall women and short women, it’s about personal taste, and about men with confidence and men without confidence. But before we get into that, let’s be honest here. We’ve heard many women say they wouldn’t date a guy who is shorter than them. Maybe that’s not an issue for a petite woman, but for a women who’s taller than let’s say, 5’9″—the average height of a guy—it potentially lowers her odds of meeting a great guy by a huge margin. So from our perspective, this issue works both ways.

You’re right when you assume guys like to be manly, or at least the dominant physical presence in a relationship. Sure, some guys would be very happy to be a taller woman’s play thing, but most guys want to feel like they are in charge—in the bedroom we mean.

There’s not much more to say here. We’re assuming you’re a taller woman, so you need to either find a man taller than yourself, or a smaller guy—whom you’re still attracted to—that is confident enough to be involved with a taller woman. We found a site—we’re not endorsing it, just providing the info to you—that you might check out. (www.tallfriends.com) A dating site for taller folks.

All in all, beauty is subjective. Confidence however, is universally attractive. If you’re a taller women who feels a bit insecure, or uncomfortable about her height, this will definitely come through to everyone you meet. So the solution to this problem—if there is one—starts with you. Accept your height, and others will follow.

Good luck and feel free to ask a follow up question. (Leave a comment in the comments section.)

THE GUYS

ps. Please tell your friends about us. Thanks!

Other related posts: 

Can a guy’s taste really change? 

Do looks matter? 

I’m short and I don’t feel beautiful

 

Boyfriend’s going away to college; can it work?

Hey Guys,

I have known my boyfriend for a couple years now but I did not really get to know him until a couple months ago. We’ve been dating for a little over a month now and I really like him. We spend everyday together and are both really happy together. A month is not a long time but I’ve never had so many feelings for someone in such a short time. This summer, we plan to make the most of it. He is leaving to college which is a couple hours away while I’m back home finishing high school. When I brought up the situation of dating long distance he would usually say “I don’t like thinking about it, let’s just enjoy this summer..” But finally we talked about it and he said he wanted to do long distance.

Would it be worth it? I like him so much, and I would just hate to lose him. I know because of his financial situation I would only see him every couple of months.. Which, I know, would be hard for both of us. Both our families are involved in the relationship. How could I make it work? Should I even give it a shot? I don’t want to waste my time and be vulnerable.

Alana

Dear Alana,

Thanks for your question.

It can work if you’re both very committed to making it work. Since you’ve written to us we know you’ll be able to keep up your end of the relationship, but it will be harder for him. Not because he’s a guy, but because he’s entering a new chapter in his life and with that comes new ideas, new people, new situations, new places, new everything. To be in a relationship with you will definitely impact his experience, and a lot of people like to be completely free of all ties when they enter college, or any new experience for that matter.

However, he’s not saying that, and frankly, finding someone special doesn’t happen every day. Obviously he realizes this or he wouldn’t have said he wants to try doing a long distance relationship. This can work, but it won’t be easy for either of you. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth giving it a try. If you don’t give it a shot, you’re going to regret it even if you end up getting hurt, which is hard to predict.

The key is solid and regular communication. Now once again, this will be easier for you because your schedule will be set, and you’ll be doing what you’ve been doing for the last three years: going to high school. But his schedule will be all over the place. Right now he has no idea what to expect, so we imagine it will be harder for him at first. The two of you just need to keep working our your plan.

Questions to talk about:

How often will we talk? What time of day? Via phone? Skype? Text? Email?

Then of course you need to make sure you see each other as much as possible, which like you said won’t be very often. But let’s be clear, it’s worth the money, because the two of you will need regular reminders of why you’re putting in the work. You need to be with each other from time to time to connect on a physical level. (We don’t necessarily mean sex.) Just being with the other person is important.

Once again the key to making this work is communication. Everything should be discussed, and then revised, and then discussed again. You can make this work if both of you are on the same page, and choose to be in the relationship every day. But there are no guarantees; but then again there are no guarantees with any relationship. To be in a loving relationship is to be vulnerable.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. And consider a donation to THE GUYS. Use PayPal button on right of any page. Thanks!

Other questions about long distance relationships:

International Long Distance; is it possible?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

Overseas military affair

Dear Guys,

I am overseas in the military. When this marine and I met it was like love at first sight. We started talking everyday and having lunch together. But somehow he would not ask me out. I started questioning him why but he always had an excuse.

He came to visit my place and we made out a couple of times but didn’t have sex. He told me he had feelings for me but he had a girlfriend back in the states that he loves and doesn’t want to end his relationship with her. We broke up, sort of, and now he’s making me feel like I was the one that was pursuing him. (But he also says he still wants to be my friend and swears that he has deep feelings too, but he wants to stop the flirting and suggestive language that we used to use.)

I am hurting so much; I trusted him and then he does this to me?! Everyone that knows about the situation says that he is going to come back to me and is going to break up with his girlfriend. But I don’t want to get my hopes up. He said he doesn’t want to lead me on. But now we both extended our tour here and will be seeing each other a couple times of week. We are so attracted to each other and passionate for each other. It is amazing. He told me that he’s never felt this kind of passion before. Me either. He said that it feels so good and so natural to hold me and kiss me. What should I do? Advice please!!!

Zairi

Dear Zairi,

Thanks for your question.

The best thing to do right now is try to be friends with him as best you can. He’s right, while he has a girlfriend the two of you shouldn’t be flirting, or doing other things. But the fact that he’s tried to put this on you is a red flag. He’s not taking responsibility for his actions. From what we can see there was only one person who was cheating on their partner, and it wasn’t you. He’s got a lot of nerve to dump this on you. And that’s the other thing. You do realize this guy cheated on his girlfriend don’t you? And who’s to say he wouldn’t cheat on you if you were that girl back in the states? It’s certainly something to think about, and something that needs to be talked about if things move forward between the two of you.

We suggest that you try to work with him—if that’s why you’re seeing him a few times a week—and be friendly. But you need to make it clear to him that you’re not open to having a relationship with him until he’s resolved things with his girlfriend back home. (Meaning he’s broken up with her.)

The thing is, passion is great and all, but relationships only last if there’s strong communication, trust, and mutual respect. Those are things that are built over time.

Good luck. Please keep us posted as things progress. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about military relationships: 

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

 

Should I start an affair?

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over? 

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Guys,

I am in a long term relationship but have a very serious attraction to a guy in my office. He is also in a long term relationship.  I think he has some interest in me as well, but he is the smart/shy type, so it is difficult to tell how far he is willing to take it.  I don’t want to end my relationship or his, but a short lived fling sounds kind of fun.

How do I get him to move on this or is it just a bad idea all together?

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

Thanks for your question.

If you’re asking for our “permission” to cheat then the answer is a definitive NO. And maybe that’s exactly what you were hoping we’d say, otherwise there’d be no reason to consult our opinion.

Your interest in this other guy more likely stems from something missing in your current relationship, rather than how amazing he is. So before you move ahead with something you’ll regret, why don’t you take a hard look at what’s going on between you and your boyfriend? Is there a lack of communication between the two of you? A lack of affection? Are you not on the same page with some important issues? Are you putting in more time than he is? Is the distance too much? Maybe you’ve fallen out of love with him? What is it? It’s critical you get to the bottom of what is really going on for you.

On the flip side, we understand that a short fling SOUNDS fun. But it’s fantasy. And honestly, that’s where it needs to stay. Keep your attraction in your mind. (There’s a lot you can do with it right there.) Once you move the fantasy to the real world only trouble will ensue. That’s when people’s lives are altered forever.

If you find that you can’t stop yourself from pursuing this other man, at least deal with your current situation first, and then proceed forward. You’ll be glad you did; and your boyfriend will appreciate your honesty, even though he’ll be sad, and possibly angry about the breakup. (It’s much better than you cheating on him.)

And finally we’re wondering what kind of guy this co-worker is who might consider cheating on his partner? (Of course you don’t know if that’s true or not, so we’re speculating.) Maybe in the fantasy world that doesn’t matter, but it very much does in this one.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Hi Guys

My Boyfriend and I have been dating now for about 3 years and 8 months. I think we’ve been really happy with each other. We used to say that we wanted to get married. We planned to have 2 kids and to go and work abroad.

But before I continue let me first tell you about his ex-girlfriend. She was very young when she got pregnant with his baby. There were court cases and they had to give the baby up; so they broke up after being together for two years.

That was 5 years ago, and then we started dating and have been very much in love. We now have a child who is six months old. I found a note on my boyfriend’s phone saying that he thinks that I am only in the relationship because of our son, not because I want to be with him. The relationship is not the same; he is having contact with his ex-girlfriend’s cousin all of a sudden and I am afraid that things are going to get worse.

He always talks about his relationship with his ex: what they did, their experiences; and the way she was. He told me that he can guarantee me that she will never come back to him but he’s hoping maybe their son will. But he never says that he doesn’t want her back, or that he doesn’t have feelings for her. I found out recently that his password is her name and surname. On top of that, he doesn’t touch me anymore unless he wants to have sex. He doesn’t kiss me or hug me. It’s like he is ashamed of me.

What can I do to fix it all so that he will forget about his ex and fall in love with me again? I feel so angry and hopeless.

Please Please Please HELP

Kristen

Dear Kristen,

Thanks for your question.

Having some sort of closure is important for any relationship. (Your boyfriend didn’t get closure with his ex.) It sounds like circumstance tore them apart, rather than their diminished love for one another. Without closure, the question always looms: “Should we still be together?”  or “What would life be like if we were still together, raising our baby?” And on top of that, now that they’re older and presumably wiser and more experienced, they are also dealing with sadness and regret, especially regarding their baby.

But this doesn’t mean your boyfriend is still in love with his ex, and that he doesn’t love you. It’s likely he does love you. You’ve built a life together. But the specter of that past relationship haunts him, and makes him wonder what his life might have been like if things had turned out differently.

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel, instead of looking for hints of infidelity? And have you ever sat and talked with him about how he feels concerning the baby he had to give up? It’s possible that he has all these emotions bubbling inside of him with no one to talk to about them. And instead of turning to you—the person closest to him—he might be looking to connect with his ex because they have that shared experience. He also knows you’re probably not “open” to the topic, or you’re threatened by the whole subject.

Maybe you need to do a complete 180 and start discussing these issues that are “in the air” but being ignored? Guys are not just about sex. You say, that’s the only reason he touches you anymore, and that may be true. But that’s not necessarily because he doesn’t find you attractive, or even less likely that he is ashamed by you. More likely, he feels disconnected and that’s the only way he still knows how to connect with you.

So Kristen, you have some work to do. Your relationship is far from over, but the two of you need to get reconnected. He needs to know you care about him; and not just because he’s the father of your child. And he needs to know how much his behavior is bothering you, and that you feel like he’s using you for sex.

There are no guarantees here. Once you open up this can of worms, things could go in many different directions. But we can guarantee that at the very least the two of you will begin to understand each other better, which is essential for any relationship to grow and flourish.

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask a follow up question. We’re pulling for you.

THE GUYS

 

Relationship Advice: He won’t tell people we’re a couple

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

He’s not willing to commit; where is this going?

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No Boundaries)

Summer fling or boyfriend?

We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

Is my boyfriend a cheater?

Dear Guys,

I have been seeing/dating/sleeping with this guy for 7 years. I have met his family and friends. He says he loves me.

My problem is, when I ask him for a title for our relationship, he doesn’t answer me. He says for me to tell people what I want, or just avoids answering. I don’t know what this means. I’m confused as to why he can’t at least say, “Tell them we are seeing each other,” or something like that. His friends, my friends, and even his family knows we are a couple. So what’s the probem??

He tells me I can see whomever I want, but if I start to see someone else in one way or another he spoils any hopes of me having a relationship with another man. I want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to shout to the world, “She is mine!!” I try to relax and enjoy us for whatever we are, but I can’t completely because I feel until he claims me OUT LOUD to everyone that we are WE, he is just using me.

What should I do?

Rose Marie

Dear Rose Marie,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, you deserve to be with someone who is proud to say, “She’s mine!”

After seven years if you’re still getting the same non-response to your inquiries then do you really see this changing? And when you couple this with his apathetic attitude about you seeing other people, it doesn’t seem to “add up” to a satisfying relationship. In fact, it’s kind of confusing to us what’s really going on between the two of you.

From what you describe he’s definitely giving you mixed messages. He says he loves you, but then he says it’s okay for you to see other people. (If a guy loves a woman there is no way he’d be okay with his woman seeing someone else. That doesn’t make sense really.) So which is it?

We can’t tell you what to do. You know what’s best for you. But if you really want this situation to change you need to get him talking more. If he won’t discuss this very important issue—one that’s really bothering you—then he isn’t going to be the kind of guy who’s willing to discuss other important issues that arise down the road. A committed relationship is all about solid and open communication. Otherwise prepare for a lifetime of frustration.

Last thing. You seem kind of open to seeing other guys. It seems you’re more focused on being in a committed relationship with a man, rather than this particular man. Maybe this warrants some thought? Meaning, if you’re only not seeing other guys because “this guy” derails every opportunity that comes up, then maybe your heart is wandering for a reason?

Hope this gives you some things to think about. Leave us a follow up question or comment.

Good luck. We hope this works out for you, one way or another.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Is my boyfriend a cheater?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

He’s not willing to commit; where is this going?

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No Boundaries)

Summer fling or boyfriend?

We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

Dear Guys,

I have a nagging gut feeling that my boyfriend cheated on me in the past and has not come clean. We’ve been together for 1.5 years and we live together. Throughout our relationship, my boyfriend has had several moments where he questioned my commitment to him. (Really, it was more like he would stonewall me until I asked what’s wrong about 100 times and then say something to the effect of “I know you cheated I wish you would just admit it!”) I have NEVER cheated on my boyfriend. Not even come close. Yet, it seems that we can’t go an entire month without him having some question about my trustworthiness. And, if it’s not about trustworthiness, it’s about something I did that happened over a year ago that I have long since apologized for. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter how many times I apologize for something, it always comes back later and I feel like it’s pointless to argue with him because the same issues always resurface later.

Recently, my boyfriend told me that during the first month of our relationship, he cheated on me because he thought that I was cheating on HIM. I asked him some clarification questions (i.e., were we living together, when did this happen, etc.) and he got very vague and non-responsive. I was beside myself with hurt, anger, and frustration. After about 3 minutes of us sitting there, he said he was only joking. It didn’t feel like a joke, and I definitely wasn’t laughing, and neither was he. I explained to him my hurt over this “joke” and that I did not find it funny, and he apologized. This is not the first time this has happened. A while back, when he was questioning me AGAIN about my fidelity, he said something to the effect of, “I just want to know if you were with someone else when we started dating, because I was.” Again, when I started having my feelings about it, he took it back and said “I was only JOKING! God, you’re so serious!”

I don’t know how to proceed.  My gut tells me something is very wrong, yet I feel powerless to even discuss this with him, as he will deny it no matter what because I have no other evidence than my uneasy gut. I can understand someone making a joke in bad taste, but for him to say that he cheated on me in a manner that seems very serious to me and then say he’s joking without even laughing, I can’t help but feel like he was being honest with me the first time around.

Should I kick him out?

Thanks,

Confused and Anxious

Dear Confused and Anxious,

Thanks for your question.

You have some serious trust issues going on in your relationship—from both sides. You allude to some incident that happened with you, but you don’t clarify. We assume the incident was serious enough—even though it might not have been “cheating”—for him to question your trustworthiness. And as you know, once trust is in question, it becomes very difficult to be in a relationship, because without trust there is no relationship.

We have no idea whether or not he cheated on you. But we do always say, “Trust your Gut.” (Watch our video on this topic.) You would know better than we do about whether he’s dabbling beyond the four walls of your apartment. However, we can say that sometimes a person will cheat if they think their partner is cheating. They say to themselves, “I might as well beat them to the punch. I’ll hurt them if they’re going to hurt me.” It’s up to you to figure out whether or not he was joking. (We agree. This is in bad taste. Not the best way to conduct yourself in a loving, committed relationship.) But some people never get over being hurt. It could be that he wants to trust you, but something in his gut tells him not to as well.

So our suggestion: Both of you need to totally come clean in order for this to work. You two need to start over. Rewind. Forgive, if there’s something to be forgiven about. And move on. If you can’t do this, then it’s time to truly move on from each other.

How do you do this?

Start talking. And if you can’t figure out how to do that, then go see a professional. (Couples counselor) But it all starts with honest and open communication. Otherwise, this back and forth—you did this, you did that—negativity will continue in perpetuity.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summer Fling or Boyfriend?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow up)

He’s not willing to commit; where is this going?

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

He asks ME to call HIM

Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No Boundaries)

Hi Guys,

I just finished university this year and a guy who I had a class with in first semester (Sept-Dec) started messaging me out of the blue back in April just “to say hi.” I was really surprised to hear from him because it was so random, but I did respond and we continued to chat via Facebook until about June. We kept trying to make plans but all the work at the end of the semester it was too much for either of us to get together!

He had a big get together with a lot of his friends on the night of our convocation and he invited me to come out for it. There was a lot of people there but we ended up sitting by ourselves chatting. He also introduced me to his friends when they came over to talk with us. He was supposed to be going away for a month shortly after graduating and while he was gone I was leaving for another two months to travel. Because of that, even though I was interested in him, I didn’t think anything substantial would really develop between us. We have really good chemistry and we had a really fun night and ended up hooking up, which I of course now totally regret.

As it turned out, he ended up breaking his leg and he wasn’t able to go away. So because he didn’t end up leaving he continued to call/text me to hang out. I wasn’t always able to (so I wasn’t always available) and he was pretty consistent and I guess we fell into some sort of ‘friends with benefits’ relationship without me really thinking about what I really wanted. I figured that while I was traveling we would just lose contact.

Just before I left, he texted me that he would miss spending time with me and that he really enjoyed seeing me, which I really appreciated, and I told him that I’d miss him too. While I was gone we still stayed in touch through email and Facebook, which was really nice. We were both pretty consistent about staying in contact.

I came back almost three weeks ago and as soon as he knew I was back he messaged, texted, and called me immediately! I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship I wanted with him—FWB, boyfriend or just platonic—and I did want to talk to him about that, but I was kind of afraid to because I do remember in a conversation we had once he mentioned that he wasn’t sure if he was good boyfriend material. He does confide a lot of very personal info with me and that came up in passing. So at any rate, I haven’t had that conversation with him as of yet. Since I’ve been back we’ve been in pretty regular contact but it feels different, more complacent now. He doesn’t call as much and he tends to stick with texting.

He’s doing his PhD at the moment so he’s pretty swamped with school and he’s not going out as much as he was in the summer. But recently he did go to an event that he told me about but didn’t invite me to. It wasn’t something where tickets had to be bought well in advance because he was trying to get an extra ticket for one of his friends on the day of. I know he’s pretty good friends with his best friend’s girlfriend and sometimes he’ll hang out with her. (I’m quite positive they have a platonic relationship – he’s very loyal to his guy friends so I don’t think there’s intimacy between him and this other girl – she’s crazy about her boyfriend.) So I think in part he might not have asked me to go with him because he might have been going with her already.

I don’t usually initiate getting together with him because he usually does the initiating but since I’ve been back I’ve only seen him twice despite still at least texting each other almost every day. And the last time I hung out with him I initiated the get together. And it was because I’m in the process of moving and I needed a place to crash, and he said I could stay with him. But that night when I was staying with him I was beginning to wonder if he was going to get bored with our relationship and it would fizzle out. I usually just go to his place and hang out with him there when I do see him. So in that regard he isn’t putting as much effort in anymore.

Two friends and I are having a joint birthday party in a couple weeks and so of course I sent out a FB invite to him for the event. (A lot of people are invited, so it is pretty casual.) He said (via text) that it sounded like a night not to be missed.(Implying that he would attend.) But on the FB RSVP he still hasn’t responded and I’m wondering if he is not wanting to commit, or if he’s waiting for something better. I know he’s been online and he knows about the event but hasn’t responded.

So… I’m confused. He seems to be interested in me, he continues to be in contact with me, I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else on the side. (I can pretty much come over when I want, so long as he’s not in class.) And I know he cares about me—he’s told me, and he’s very affectionate with me; he kisses me repeatedly on the forehead & cheek when we’re lying in bed together; and he will hold my hand in public. But on the other hand, I almost wonder if he’s keeping me in the shadows of his life. I’ve only been back a few weeks and I don’t think I’ve given us enough time to really assess the nature of our relationship, especially considering he’s doing his PhD, and I do know he’s swamped. But things are different than before.

What should I make of him?? I’m trying to just let him chase me but at the same time I wonder if he’s bored. If he’s bored wouldn’t he just stop contact completely?

Thanks!

Alice

Dear Alice,

Thanks for your note.

We don’t think the question is whether or not he’s bored. Guys don’t get bored from hanging out and having sex. In fact, a guy could easily stay in a “hang out and have sex” type of relationship for years, especially if he was busy with his career or studies. The problem with this type of arrangement—or we should say, one of the many problems with this type of arrangement—is that it typically never goes anywhere. The guy gets lazier and lazier over time, and starts making less effort to do more than the status quo, and consequently the woman gets more and more frustrated and confused. Eventually it kind of just fizzles away.

Don’t panic yet, Alice. Your situation hasn’t reached these proportions, but it’s headed there fast. We’re sure you’ve read these books that lay out certain rules that women and men should follow when starting a relationship. And while they certainly apply in some cases, each situation is different. In your case, the time to let him do the pursuing is over. You’ve known him over a year, been “hanging out” with him over six months, and you’re still in the exact same place, except now you want to know what’s going on. Well, we can’t blame you.

It’s time to have THE CONVERSATION. Yes, the dreaded conversation that defines what you have together. As uncomfortable as this may be, you need to get some answers from him, otherwise this situation will go on interminably. Because what motivation does he have to change it? He’s pretty much getting what he wants: a nice diversion from his busy life with a sweet and pretty girl. And in fact, the more we think about it the more this guy sounds like a possible player. His comment early on to you—”I’m not really boyfriend material.”—speaks volumes about where he’s at, and it really set the table for the type of arrangement you’re currently in with him.

And this thought just struck us: There’s a big difference between a relationship and an arrangement. One is robust and full of life, and the other is all business. You need to find out which one you’re in. Stop worrying about what he wants, and whether or not he’s going to get bored, and start focusing on what you want. You may not even know exactly what that is until you talk with him. You deserve some answers Alice, but the only way you’re going to get them is to talk to him.

Good luck. We’re hoping this works out the way you want it to. But if not, every relationship you have will better inform you for the future. Just remember to be clear about what makes YOU happy and satisfied.

THE GUYS

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Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No boundaries)

Dear Readers,

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Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

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Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

He asks ME to call HIM

Dear Guys,

I was dating a man for over a year. He is very active in his teenage son’s life, which I think is wonderful. My problem was his relationship with his ex-wife. She wanted to car pool, have him watch her dog, etc. She always called asking him for favors when he was supposed to be going out with me.

I always came last. He gave me flowers once, but then told me what his ex-wife said when he gave her the same ones. He seems to not care about my feelings. We broke up when I tried to talk to him about how I felt.

Should I have no say in my own relationship? He should put his son ahead of me, but the ex and the dog???

Thanks,

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for your question.

We can see why you were so frustrated being with this man and why you ultimately broke up with him.

The dating world is vastly more complex than it used to be. When you factor in ex-spouses, kids from previous marriages, and joint ownership of material things—houses, cars, boats, even dogs—relationships get to be very difficult to navigate.

When people have kids from a previous relationship it is their duty to figure out the best way to care for the kids, even if they have irreconcilable differences themselves. This often means being in frequent contact and sometimes even doing things as a “family.” (We realize this might sound odd, but maintaining an amicable relationship with an ex is a key ingredient to raising emotionally healthy children.) And there is no correct formula for doing this.

However, your guy is overdoing it. The two of them are still emotionally dependent on each other. Their contact should be limited to raising their kids together not helping with chores or other such things that couples do for each other.

We think you have a pretty healthy perspective on the situation, and understand that yes, you do come second behind his child, at least until the boy is old enough to be on his own. (And maybe even then too.) But your guy should still make your relationship a priority and show you how much he cares for you, and how much he values the relationship. It sounds to us like your guy is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone yet. Well, besides his ex.

We hope this helps give you some perspective. And yes, you should have a say in your own relationship.

THE GUYS

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Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

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What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Hey Guys,

I’m a sophomore and I really like this senior guy too. He asked me to Homecoming, and he’s always texting me. He came over to dinner and even met my embarrassing parents. (I’m still surprised he’s semi-interested in me after meeting them). I sat next to him on a bus ride to one of our sports’ meets, and I listened to his music and he even let me lean on his shoulder to fall asleep. He said I’m nice, pretty, and beautiful, but it seems like I’m annoying him sometimes when we text. It seems like he doesn’t really want to talk to me very much. What do I do???

Mia

Dear Mia,

Thanks for your question. So have you already gone to the Homecoming Dance? It’s been close to a month since you wrote to us. If you have, you probably already have a lot more information about the situation.

To us it seems clear he’s into you. He wouldn’t have asked you to Homecoming if he wasn’t. But the question is more about, “HOW” he’s into you, or WHY? Meaning, does he like you because you are beautiful on the outside, or does he really want to get to know you as a person?

On the positive side, he passed the “parent test.” He was able to tolerate your parents, even if they were embarrassing you. (Isn’t that what parents are supposed to do??) What did your parents think of him?

On the flip side, the fact that he gets annoyed by your texting makes us wonder what his intentions are. Here’s a little excerpt from one our videos: Dating an older guy (Keep in mind that this is tongue and cheek, but there’s truth to it.)

Quote:

If you’re under the legal age—which means you’re in high school— you should not be dating an older guy…period. Most freshman and sophomore boys are harmless enough because they are paralyzed by breasts, walking around like zombies carrying their books in front of their privates hiding what’s obvious to everyone around them. But junior and senior guys are more savvy. Their confidence is attractive to you, but that’s why you need to stay far away. They are like just born nomadic vampires with hypnotic powers they can’t control. You might think you’re mature enough to handle them but you’re not. These guys, no matter how cool they seem, are interested in you for one thing, and we hope you’re at least old enough to guess what that is.

End Quote

You see our point Mia. We’re not saying all senior guys are like this, but this is certainly something to consider. But rest assured, he’s definitely attracted to you.

Good luck and feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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Confused: I don’t understand this guy’s behavior

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Older woman is confused

Dear Guys,

I really need help on this one. I’m 21 and recently started hooking up with this guy. We have been sexually active together for about 3 months now. He tells me it’s the best sex he has ever had; and for me, it’s the same! We hang out pretty much every day. Some days things seem to be going great. We hang out just the two of us, or with his friends, or go to the movies. He takes me to dinner, and we’ve even met each other’s families.

And then other days he acts completely different with me. We won’t kiss, touch, but he still flirts with me and is always super sweet. He’s always the one to make the first move when we hook up, just because im a little more shy when I’m with him. (This boy seriously makes me weak in the knees.) But some nights we won’t hook up or anything and it’s just plain weird, I guess? We both just got out of serious relationships not too long ago, and agreed that we were not rushing back into another one anytime soon. But we also agreed that we weren’t going to hook up with anyone else either. I guess I’m just confused on why he acts diffrently towards me some days. I really like this guy and just don’t want to mess anything up.

Nichol

Dear Nichol,

Thanks for your question.

From everything you say, it seems like he likes you more than just a casual hook up. In fact it seems like the two of you are boyfriend and girlfriend, since you’re doing all the things couples do: going out to dinner, going to the movies, hanging out with friends, meeting prospective families. We think you need to have a discussion about this, don’t you? Just because you both SAY you don’t want to rush into anything new, your actions say otherwise. And hey, that’s a good thing if you’re both happy.

His behavior is a bit inconsistent, although you say he’s sweet to you even on the days when you don’t kiss, touch, or hook up. Typically if a guy considers a woman to be a fling, he only wants to be with her when he’s hooking up with her. Your guy doesn’t behave this way. So we have another possible explanation for his erratic behavior.

A man’s affection can often be traced to his changing testosterone levels. Meaning, a guy might behave differently on the days he wants to have sex, as opposed to the days right after he has sex? If a guy wants sex it’s likely he’s going to touch a woman more, maybe hold her hand, give her some love “squeezes” here and there, generally be more physically loving, and all around more agreeable. But some guys who don’t necessarily need sex every day might need a day of recovery. On those days— recovery days—guys can be more business like in terms of physical affection. See if this pattern holds true for your guy. And let us know.

If this is the case it can mean a lot of things. If he continues to be sweet with you, and treats you with respect there’s no reason to be concerned. It’s certainly worth a conversation down the road, maybe when/if you two decide to make yourselves an official couple. If this pattern becomes more extreme, you might need to reevaluate if you want to be with him. (This might mean there’s more going on than we can say based on your note.)

Overall, we feel pretty positive about what’s going on between the two of you. But keep those eyes open, and be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling about him and the relationship. We always say, TRUST YOUR GUT. (Be on the look out for our first video, on this very topic next week.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Help: Can my guy change from his cheating past?

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Dear Guys,

Do you think a guy that has cheated on all his past girlfriend can actually settle now to one girl? Do you think the same type of guy can actually fall in love after a year into a relationship?

Katie

Dear Katie,

Thanks for your good question.

This is a very difficult one to answer. We can’t read your guy’s mind and see the state of his heart so it’s hard to say what’s really going on with him.

Are people able to change? Yes they can. Can your guy change his cheating ways? It’s possible, but it won’t be easy for him. The problem isn’t the various women in his life, or their “inadequacies,” it’s him. If he’s not willing to take a hard look at why he’s doing what he’s doing, and then start taking steps to change, he’ll continue his ways, even if he’s on hiatus right now.

People cheat for a lot of different reasons: they feel entitled, they can, they feel empty inside, they don’t have a clear sense of what’s in front of them, and what’s at stake if they do cheat. We can’t say where your guy falls in the “why” spectrum, but if he’s been a serial cheater he falls under one of those headings.

Katie, the question is: do you trust your guy, and do YOU think he can change? We’re curious to know if he’s already given you pause to wonder? It sounds like maybe he has since you’ve written to us asking the question. If you decide to stay with him, but are constantly wondering whether he’s going to cheat, or when he’s going to cheat, that’s going to be quite hard on you. And it’s no way to live your life.

We can’t give you a general answer because there isn’t one. Each individual is different. People can change, but they have to want to themselves. Your answer starts with him.

Good luck and keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

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Boyfriend loves me but lacks empathy for others

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Dear Guys,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. Its been a wonderful time and I have been so much happier with him in my life. However, he has a difficult side to him that I have until now tried to overlook. Although he treats me very well, he is not good with the other people in my life. He has no friends of his own —he did have one friend but he dropped contact with him when we got together. I think their friendship was based on checking out girls. He has nothing to do with his brother but refuses to tell me why. He does have a good relationship with his parents – mostly based on him and his dad’s love of steam trains. However, although I have gradually introduced him to most of my family and friends he makes a huge deal out of getting together with them so much so, that it is an incredibly difficult and stressful experience all round. He refused to go to my two best friends’ weddings for which I was a bridesmaid at both. He also refused to go to my nan’s funeral. He also seems to lack empathy with them – e.g. Not being sympathetic towards my mum when my nan died or to my sister when she had two miscarriages. In these two cases he was not unkind to their faces but has said to me that they should just get over it. He also decides who of my friends and family he will like before he meets them. – mostly he decides he won’t like them but a couple he almost hero worships.  Now most recently he suggested meeting up with a friend of mine as we were passing her flat. This was a first for him to suggest doing something sociable – so I was really pleased. But then my friend was having a moan about her boyfriend – and he just came out with “well isn’t he into X.” (A fetish) My friend was mortified and of course angry and hurt that I had passed on this secret to him. He has not apologized to me or to her for saying this and doesn’t really seem to see what the problem was. (Luckily my friend has forgiven me for telling my boyfriend the secret but is still upset with him.) I feel that it was cruel of him and he admits that subconsciously it may well have been revenge for some comments that she had made about him in the past.

So having been very much in love this last two and a half years because he has been very loving to me, a great friend and a lot of fun, I am now feeling quite confused. How do I decide if his difficulty with people is just shyness or a more worrying lack of kindness, and whether it’s something I am willing to put up with or not!

Galatea

Dear Galatea,

Thanks for your question.

Your boyfriend sounds very nice in many ways–at least to you— so we can see how this unsettling characteristic of his would throw you for a loop. However, it doesn’t sound like this is something that is going away anytime soon. We’re going to address each of your concerns one by one.

Friends

Meeting a new person’s friends is an important step when evaluating the potential of a long term relationship. It’s always a relief when you realize your new love actually has friends, and even better, you kind of like them. It’s not necessarily a deal breaker if they don’t, but it sure feels reassuring when they do. This is how people determine whether or not they’re dating a stalker, or the man or woman they want to marry. Of course some people don’t need as many friends as other people, and your boyfriend could fall into that category.

Family

Another way of evaluating a person is interacting with their family. It’s nice to know your guy has a solid relationship with his parents—it doesn’t matter why really. But it would be useful to know why he’s not speaking to his brother. We think you should learn more about his family in general. What kinds of things did they do together? What are their beliefs? Religious or not? How was he raised? Political views? Education? All of those things will help fill in some of the blank canvas left from his lack of friends. And if he won’t talk to you about his family and his life, then you should be concerned. That is a serious red flag, especially since the two of you have been dating for a long time now, and we would think he would feel comfortable telling you his innermost thoughts and feelings.

Future

We’re not psychologists, psychiatrists, or therapists, but we do understand people fairly well. His lack of empathy is likely a coping mechanism he learned at an early age. We couldn’t begin to guess how it happened, but it might be something the two of you should talk about at some point, especially if you’re considering this man for your future spouse. And something to keep in mind: these types of behaviors only amplify as a person gets older.

You need to ask yourself some hard questions Galatea. (And we can see you are already doing this.) Am I okay with his behavior toward my family and friends? Will I be okay if I have to choose between my boyfriend/husband and my network of family and friends if it comes to that? How will this impact my children if we decide to have them? What kind of father do I think he’ll be? Will I feel isolated if we can’t work through some of these issues? Once the “new love” wears off, will his lack of empathy seep into our relationship as well, or his relationship with our kids? Is it possible for him to change? Does he want to change? And if he changes, is it just for me, or is it for his own growth?

We’d love to see this work out for you Galatea. We’re not here to tell you what to do, only to help you see the entire picture. It’s good that you’re wondering about all of this now, rather than after you’re already married. Keep gathering as much information as you can. Talk to your boyfriend about your concerns. Communication is very important. He should know that you’re worried about this. Talk to your friends and family. (Even though they don’t know him like you do, at least you’ll know where they stand and find out what they see that you might be missing.) And then once you have this information, it will be up to you to sift through it and figure out if this is going to work for you. We know it’s not easy, but it is necessary.

We wish you the best. Good luck. And keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

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Any reason to hold on?

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Am I misinterpreting my friend?

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The Guy’s Perspective Ep. 38: Actor Charles Shaughnessy interview, 12 items or less, contests


Dear Guys,

I’ve been interested in a friend of mine, James, off and on over the past couple years. We met in university, and despite what our friends think (and suggest), we don’t have any sort of history. Nothing has ever happened between us, and I’ve never told him that I’ve been interested, namely because when he’s been single I’ve been in a relationship of sorts, and vice versa. As of now, we’re both single, and I’ve been trying to figure out whether or not he’s interested back.

There have been a number of little things that have recently made me wonder about James, such as inviting himself to study with me (within a 9-day period, he visited or studied with me 6 times); recently starting to call me “sweety” and “cutie”, which he’d never done in the previous five years; as well as giving me an overload of compliments on everything from my outfits, to my hair (smell, look, softness), to my photos.

One evening over coffee, we were discussing chivalry and I had said that I appreciate it (or at least aspects of it). He was already a gentleman about opening doors, but since that conversation, he’s opened every door that he possibly could for me, even going as far as to jokingly fight me to get to the door first.

James and I have had an on-going plan to spend a day together in the city, and we’ve always referred it as our “adventure” —adding in anything from lunch or dinner plans, to checking out a museum, to going for drinks and dancing. While we were making plans to attend a festival next month, James suggested we “make our date out of it.” I agreed to it, assuming he was referring to our ‘adventure’ plans, and he responded to say that in spite of the fact that we’ve kept postponing it he was really looking forward to our “overdue city date.” I was a bit taken aback by the fact that he was referring to it as a date, considering we’d never called our plans a date. It was always our adventure.

Am I wrong for having questions about these little things? Does it sound like I’m misinterpreting simple actions of a good friend? Any advice on how I can casually ask him where he stands?

Thanks,
Kate

Dear Kate,

Thanks for your question.

We interpret all his actions the same way you do. We definitely think he’s into you, and he’s doing his best to be clear about his intentions, but at the same time trying to be subtle, considering your long past as “just friends.”

Changing the word “adventure” to “date” is a significant and intentional shift in his wording. He’s not sure where you stand on the matter so it’s a very innocuous way of testing the waters. He’s throwing these hints out and seeing if they stick. If you had commented on the fact that he used the word “date” he might have backed off. But the fact that you agreed to it tells us he’ll push this as far as he can.

Our best advice to you is, keep encouraging him by agreeing to whatever he suggests—as long as you’re comfortable with his proposals. After you’ve gone on a few “dates” then it could be time to talk about what’s going on and where the two of you stand. Our gut tells us it will be clear long before you actually have to bring it up. It’s likely you’ll both be sitting in some romantic spot, maybe on a riverbank watching the boats go by, or walking in a park as kids laugh on a nearby playground, and he’ll look you in the eye and the two of you will share a moment. (You may already have, since you wrote to us two weeks ago.)

So enjoy it Kate. The great thing about your situation is that the two of you have been such good friends for so long. It’s not everyday that friends are able to make the leap to romantic partners. If you do manage to make the transition then you already have a comfort level between the two of you that often takes a long time for new partners to reach. That gives you a lot of time to enjoy some of the other “benefits” that come with being in love.  :)

Good luck, and leave us a follow up comment, or follow up comments. We’d love to hear how things are going.

THE GUYS

 

Boyfriend who has a history of doing unsavory things

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Hi Guys,

I originally posted this in the wrong section of your website.  Here it is again, in the correct section.  I really need your help on this one, Guys!  Thanx!…

From THE GUYS: We’re assuming names have been changed.

My 44 y/o boyfriend “Joe” and I have been together for 6 months (and known each other for 1 1/2 years. My boyfriend has been “friends” with “Diane” (approx 48 years old) for 15 years (SHE is the step sister of his ex-wife – – Needless to say, the exW and my bf hate eachother, and “Diane” and the step sis hate eachother as well. Yet… Joe and Diane CONTINUE to remain “friends”.

Problems I’m having are these:

1) My boyfriend’s friend is married and has had a VERY rocky marriage.  She continually COMPLAINS ABOUT her current husband WITH my boyfriend. What if this girl is “sexually promiscuous” toward/with my boyfriend????

Diane and Joe say “no, we’re just friends”… I HAVE DIFFICULTY BELIEVING IT, AND CAN’T SEEM TO GET OVER THESE THOUGHTS. Yes, I lack TRUST in him.  Why?  Because of his track record with women… 2 divorces, cheated on first wife 20 yrs ago, used this other woman over the past 3 years for oral sex, and pretty much admitted he used her even though he wasn’t attracted to her.

2) He is VERY protective of this “Diane” friend of his. I can’t say ONE thing about her, or he will jump all over me verbally until I understand that it’s “not my place” to get involved in THEIR relationship.

3) She AND he keep ME out of THEIR relationship. I don’t understand WHY I am not allowed in… In fact, I DON’T even WANT to be part of it, because I DON’T THINK “THEIR RELATIONSHIP” should exist. I THINK THEIR “RELATIONSHIP” is a totaly disrespectful of my relationship with my BF. Am I wrong????

4) Those two call each other daily. They visit each other’s houses atleast 1x/week and supposedly “talk” and “discuss” whatever it is they “discuss” (apparently she vents about her drug addictions, problems with her husband, etc…). Anyway, NEITHER Joe NOR Diane see these daily phone calls/weekly visits as disrespectful of the relationship between my bf and I.

5) She can’t stand me… absolutely dislikes me immensely. She’s told him this. He doesn’t defend “us”. I feel totally insulted, hurt, and disrespected… it’s disgusting to even think about.

Anyway, please let me know what you think of all of this.
What do I do to resolve all of this?

I’ve suggested “all three” of us talking about this, getting it all out in the open. My boyfriend says, “Absolutely NOT!”.

Thanx,

Ariana

P.S. ….Note to self: As I write this, I wonder, don’t I think enough of myself to NOT be with this man?  What am I doing?  Do I NOT respect myself enough, that I ACCEPT this stuff?

P.P.S. He says he “loves” me about 5-8 times a day.  I say it too.  He calls me every day, we visit eachother every day… we eat dinner together and hang out and talk, watch t.v., laugh, talk about work, say I love you, hug alot, hold hands, and even dance together. But I’m utterly LOST and confused.  I’m also AFRAID he’ll have sex with this “Diane” friend (if he hasn’t already over their “15 yr” so-called “friendship”

Oh, and WHY do I love this guy?  I love ALL the “OTHER” parts of him… except the “unsavory” stuff I mentioned above.  I try not to think about it – - it’s not easy.  I love his hugs and kisses, his softness toward me, the laughs we have, coffee together every morning, the sex, our dancing together, our long talks, and beautiful dinners at home together.  …I love just about EVERYTHING about Joe, except the crummy stuff (if that makes ANY sense).  I suppose one can’t separate the good from the bad, cuz it is all one package.  That’s why I’m so conflicted.

Where do I go from here, Guys.  What do I do?  What OF this DIANE chick?  Why does he choose such a “broken”, “messed up” (to use his words) friend as DIANE to be his BEST Friend (other than me, his supposed girlfriend)?

Too many questions, sorry, but this all hurts so much.  I feel SO conflicted.  I feel like I have no respect for myself, and well… I SHOULD.

Dear Ariana,

Thanks for writing to us.

We see multiple issues going on here. First of all you’ve only been dating “Joe” for six months. And while that is plenty of time to become very close, it pales in comparison to all the history he has with his friend “Diane.” They’ve known each other for 15 years, and have been through a lot of trying times together, which has brought them closer together, however unhealthy it may seem to you.

We commend “Joe” for sticking with his friend, even though it’s clear that she has many issues she needs to work through. (And those issues are way beyond the scope of what we talk about here.) It sounds like they need each other at this point, and maybe through their shared history, they actually help support one another. Remember, this friendship, or relationship, has been going on long before you were in the picture, so it would take a lot to supplant it. Your best approach is to try to understand it and get him to tell you why he values the relationship so much without accusing him, although it may be too late for this since it’s been such a source of discourse between the two of you.

Further more, there’s nothing wrong with a friend of the opposite sex as long as it doesn’t impinge on the primary relationship. However, in your case we agree with you; his relationship with her is starting to impact your relationship because of the close emotional ties he has with her. These ties don’t allow him to be truly open to someone new, but maybe he wants it that way. That’s a larger issue that also needs to be resolved. Why is this relationship so important to him, to the point where he refuses to include you and compromise any aspect of it?

We can’t speak to the physical aspect of their relationship. He says there’s nothing going on and you still wonder. So what’s that all about? Yes, his history is a bit “storied” but people can change. Sure some guys are serial cheaters, but sometimes it’s the situation that brings out that side of people. We don’t condone cheating on any level, but we understand that people are human, and sometimes when people feel trapped, or overwhelmed the behave in unsavory ways. It is true that once you cheat it’s easier to cheat again, but we also know guys who’ve cheated once and wouldn’t do it again. (So they say.) If you’re going to be in a relationship with this guy you have to accept his past and keep it in the past. You have to accept him for who he is now, because all of his past has defined him and made him the man you love—yes, even his moments of weakness with the “other” girl. If he is actually cheating on you currently that’s a whole other story. If that ends up being the case, then by all means you should move on immediately.

Ariana, you need to have trust in your relationship to be able to go the distance. You tell us all the reasons you love this man, but at the same time you don’t trust him at all. That’s quite a disparity, and no way to conduct, or advance a relationship. All it’s doing is making you confused, upset, anxious, and stressed out. And if it continues it will slowly whittle away your self-esteem, and cause resentment and anger. And it goes from there.

So, you need to get him talking. (Maybe couples counseling) If you can’t get him to understand where you’re coming from, and also understand where he’s coming from, we only see this relationship continuing in the same way it’s continuing. All this peripheral stuff: his friendship, his past actions, his stubborness, are all symptoms of larger issues going on for you and him. And in some ways you both seem like you’re struggling with some of the same things: self-worth and trust in other people.

Finally, sometimes relationships don’t work out simply because they are too hard. Meaning, sometimes there are so many things to deal with that the good times are constantly overshadowed by the weight of all the other issues. At some point you need to evaluate this relationship and decide if it’s going to work for you, and him. Love isn’t always enough. (And we hate to say that, because we believe in fairy tales as much as the next guy.)

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, and/or question. And feel free to ask another question down the road.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Subscribe to our blog feed and/or podcast feed. Thanks.

Confusing friendship: Will this guy follow through?

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys

I have a friend that I’ve known for over 6 years. I’ve lost contact with him on several occasions but I really do like him. Here’s the latest case. Back in December 10′ I bumped into him on the bus. We chatted for a second and then my stop came. He said to me, You’re getting off. Take my # down, and use it this time.” I did.

We text each other, called each other, and he even drove by to see me after work sometimes. But in March I called him a day before his birthday and he answered. It was alot of noise so he said he’d call me back when everything died down. So his birthday comes the next day and I call, and his phone is cut off —by the company. I called a few times after the fact figuring he would get it turned back on asap, but he didn’t. So I went on Facebook and sent him a message. No response. This is the second time he has done this. Every time I  see him face to face it’s a fairytale. Then I lose contact with him and he doesn’t respond to Facebook messages or phone calls.

Should I just say to hell with him or what?

Porsche

Dear Porsche,

Thanks for your question.

This guy seems easily distracted. He also doesn’t seem to be ready for any type of relationship.

You should look for consistency when you’re evaluating a potential new suitor. That sounds business like, but consistency is a great indicator for whether or not you’re in for an easy ride or a tumultuous one. A guy should show up on time, call when he says he’s going to call, follow through on promises, and otherwise be a reliable force in your life. This guy sounds like none of these.

Also, we see a big red flag in the fact that he gave you his number and told you to call him, instead of asking for yours. That’s a strategy often used by a “player.” If the guy is truly interested he’ll ask for your number, and then call you. If he isn’t able to do that, he isn’t mature enough to be in any kind of serious relationship.

This guy may be charming and fun, but until he’s past the scattered stage, you’re better off letting him do his thing. Maybe sometime in the future—quite a ways in the future—you’ll meet up on the bus again and things will go differently. But we wouldn’t count on it.

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment. And check back with us if you have any other questions. Let your friends know about us. And subscribe to our blog feed and podcast feed. Check us out on itunes at: The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

 

 

Age gap in my relationship; lack of trust

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

I am 22 year old woman and I’m dating a 44 year old man. We have been dating for almost 5 months. We have had our share of loving moments and tense moments, but I care for him dearly and go out of my way to make him happy. We have some trust issues, since I went through his phone and found some pictures of other girls. The only thing is, he still holds it over my head that I went through his phone. In addition to the one-time phone incident, he saw a picture of a guy friend of mine on my camera and thought I was cheating on him. He thinks that I lie to him about where I am and what I am doing. Lately he will just randomly start thinking about it, get angry, and will start a fight. Now when he fights, he goes below the belt (verbally). He says all of the meanest, rudest things he can think of to me. I hold my tongue because I have learned not to say things I don’t mean to someone I deeply care about.

I just want him to be happy, so do you you think I should just give us some space or should I keep trying to make things work?

Nikki

Dear Nikki,

Thanks for writing to us.

Your relationship is missing the most important ingredient of any relationship: trust. Neither of you seem to trust the other person, which has begun to create a serious crevasse in the foundation of your relationship. If you want to make this work you need to get to figure out the source of this mistrust and go from there.

So what made you so suspicious that you felt you needed to go through his phone? Was he doing something that made you wonder? (Not returning phone calls, disappearing for a day or night, being evasive when questioned.) If he was doing these things we can see why you’d wonder if he was cheating on you. But at the same time, you do realize you can’t go through someone’s phone? Because where do you go from there? If you find some evidence that confirms your suspicions, what do you do with that information? Once you reveal that information he’ll learn how you gathered the info and then it can only go downhill from there. And if you don’t find anything but he finds out you went through his phone, he’s not going to trust you. (Which happened) All in all, it’s better to ask someone directly than to use covert means to find out the information. Of course then you have to figure out if they are telling the truth or not.

As far as your fighting goes: people need to be careful how they fight. His verbal attacks sound out of line and should not be tolerated by you. Fighting happens in relationships, but it’s the WAY couples fight that determines whether or not they will stay together. Right now they way he is fighting doesn’t make us very hopeful for your relationship continuing much longer.

Nikki, we aren’t going to tell you what to do, but overall your relationship sounds broken, and unless you do some serious work together, it’s going to remain broken even if you have periods of tenderness here and there. We can see that beneath all the layers of mistrust that both of you care for each other, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to work. We also think your ages are playing a part in all of this. Twenty two years might not be a wide gap if you were 44 and he was 66, but at 22 and 44, that’s quite an age gap. He’s gotten to experience so much more of life than you, and that’s playing a part in your lack of trust. And the fact that you’re a cute, 22 year old woman is playing a part in his jealousy and anger.

Our advice: Take what you learned in this relationship and apply it to the next one, maybe with a guy who’s a little closer in age.

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment, and keep us posted. Feel free to ask another question in the future. Subscribe to our blog feed or podcast feed. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

I’m with someone who still has feelings for his ex

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

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Prom

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about two months. It seems like a short period of time. For me it was beautiful and enough time for me to fall in love with him. He broke up with his ex-partner of 2 years about a month before meeting me. We met in February and were together in March. We’ve been together ever since. Suddenly his ex found out he was with me and she demanded to see him. When I spoke to my guy he told me it was over between them and that was beyond repair. I trust him for this. But he also told me he still has feelings for her. And that he still wants to be with me too. He said he understood if I wanted to leave him because he still had feelings for her. I asked him why he got with me when he had feelings for her, and asked him if I was a rebound. He said that I was not a rebound. Then I asked him if he was with me just for sex. He said he enjoyed me for everything. Meaning not just sex, but also my company etc. I love him. I dont want to lose him. It hurts me that he still has feelings for her. When we got together, we played together, we laughed. We had small issues where he was jealous of the amount of men approaching me. We resolved this gently and we were going great. After his ex contacted him, we weren’t so playful anymore. He barely even kisses me. I’m ready to accept he still has feelings for her, and that he will get over her in due time -because he told me they were beyond repair. But the pain is still there. He is good to me, but I feel broken. I know he is too. I love him. I want to stay with him. I’ve had many boyfriends before him. and never did it hurt me to leave them when they betrayed me. But he is different. He is 20 years older. I love his eyes, his hair, his faults and his brilliance. I do not know what to do. I dont want us to end.

Leila

Dear Leila,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s entirely possible that your new boyfriend has feelings for his ex and for you at the same time. Even if his previous relationship is beyond repair, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for her, or has forgotten all the good times they had together. Just like you might remember many of the fun times you had with your ex-boyfriends.

The issue here is time, or lack of time, between his break up and the beginning of your relationship. People often need more time than a month to heal from such a monumental loss or change. He was with his ex for two years, which means it could take him quite a long time to be truly open to a new person.

Are you ready to be patient Leila? Because if you’re not, you need to move on now. This could be a long process. And frankly, he still seems emotionally “open” to his ex, which does not bode well for any type of new relationship. It sounds like they’re still in the “extracting stage,” which can sometimes involve emotional outbursts, passionate pleas, and even hooking up a few times. We would recommend keeping a low profile during this time. There’s certainly no reason you couldn’t date him and enjoy his company, but we might hold off on any more serious physical activity(sex) until he’s a bit more removed from her.

But break ups and beginnings are never really “clean” anyway, so even if he’s finally broken off all communication with his ex, or at least nothing more than the occasional phone call, if for some reason they try to remain friends, which is unlikely, he’s still going to have a place in his heart for the memories of that relationship. But it’s still possible to begin a new connection with you even after he’s truly extracted himself. And as things progress with you, hopefully, the luster of these memories will fade, and the more present moments with you will take over the forefront of his mind and heart. We just don’t think he’s quite ready yet.

We know you think this man is special but don’t wait forever, and don’t sacrifice everything just to be with him. What we mean is don’t sacrifice who you are and who you want to be, just to be with this man. Twenty years is quite a gap, and although it’s not impossible to bridge that gap, he has a lot of time on you where he’s explored and lived. Don’t stop living your life and pursuing your goals to be with him or any man. Stay true to yourself.

Keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment or comments.

THE GUYS

ps. And let your friends know about us. Subscribe to our blog feed and/or podcast feed. Thanks.

 

 

Online dating question

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Recent questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

Prom

Deleting Friendship on Facebook

Did I make a mistake by leaving him?

Not sure if he’ll commit

Love or friendship?

Friends with benefits

Am I being used?

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Hi guys,

I recently came across your Podcasts and I wanted to let you know that I really enjoy and appreciate what it is that you guys do. It’s refreshing to hear from men that can seriously answer questions from women without a bunch of high-fiving and smart comments!

So here’s my question… About 3 years ago I was in a relationship with a man who died unexpectedly. We hadn’t been dating that long but I was still pretty shaken up by the experience and have been a little gun-shy about dating since then. A friend of mine suggested that I give on-line dating a try so I did. After having a profile up for a few weeks I started corresponding with a man which eventually moved into talking on the phone. He lived one town over so we decided to get to know each other a bit before committing to a visit. I felt like we were really hitting it off… we would talk sometimes for 3-4 hours at a time, always laughing and having conversations that I really enjoyed. We talked on the phone every night for about 10 days in a row when we started to make plans to meet. I was really excited about the possibilities and just knew in my heart that I would get along really well with this guy. Then, one night during our conversation he asked me why I wasn’t currently in a relationship so I told him about what had happened with my last boyfriend. He was very nice, acted like it was no big deal and even offered to listen if I ever wanted to talk about it. So we said goodnight soon after and I went to bed. After that I never talked to him again… I received a few text messages but eventually those died off as well. Needless to say, I was disappointed but I tried to take it in stride. I realize that not every person that I meet or talk to is going to be interested in me.

My question for you guys though… do you think that revealing to this guy that my last boyfriend had passed away could have scared him off? Should I not tell people that I meet in the future about it? I try not to make it a big deal but it does affect how I think about relationships, so I want to be upfront, but I don’t want men thinking that I have a ton of emotional baggage either. Also, I know that you can’t read his mind but could you try to give me some kind of insight into what he could have been thinking? I’m trying to be practical about this but it still hurts when you think that you’ve connected with someone and they disappear.

Thanks again for all that you do!

Megan

Dear Megan,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry to hear about your ex-boyfriend. Whether you knew him a month or ten years, it’s never easy to have someone die, especially unexpectedly. But you still sound open to beginning a new relationship, even as you deal with the loss. So that’s a positive moving forward.

We think it might have been too soon to tell this man about your past. Not all men are going to be spooked, but he definitely was. We’re curious how you told the story, or how you plan to tell it in the future? Your instincts are good about being open, and not hiding your past, but there’s a time and a place for everything. And there’s also a HOW. Since we don’t know the details on what happened with your ex, we can’t say what the best way to approach it is, but we will say there’s definitely many ways to tell your story, and you have to think carefully about the best way to open up. And of course you’ll have to modify it for each person, since everyone is different.

Now as far as WHEN to say something: If someone asks you again why you are single, just tell them you’ve been in a few relationships that didn’t work out and leave it at that. You’re not lying, you’re just holding off on a few details until things are a little more solidified with the new person. And by that we mean going out on actual dates over a few months or so.

Unfortunately you’ve acquired baggage from your past. Like people who are divorced, or those with kids, you now come with a more complex bag of “stuff” than the average single person. Of course you don’t mention how old you are, so we assume you are younger than most “widows,” which might be the reason this guy got spooked.  Guys don’t expect to hear about ex-boyfriends dying if they meet a girl in her twenties, thirties, and maybe even forties. And it’s definitely enough to cause him to bolt because he assumes you’ll be coming with a lot of emotional baggage, as you feared. But once again, only because it was too soon to tell him, and because he didn’t know you beyond your conversations on the phone. He pictured you as this fun loving, smart, sexy woman, and after you told him about your past, that perception changed. The fun loving piece was likely replaced by a much more serious image of you, which he wasn’t ready to deal with. We’re sorry. It isn’t fair, and isn’t cool, but at least you’ll know moving forward that you have to be a bit more protective of your past, at least at the beginning.

And finally just to reiterate, think about how you want to deliver this message to someone new. Ultimately the right person will accept you for who you are, and what you bring to the table.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment. And let your friends know about us.

 

 

 

Am I being used?

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

I have known this guy for 2 years. We hit it off immediately. He was intense at first and then backed off, saying things were going too fast. I made the mistake of being “too available”. When I asked about a relationship, he declined. I then didn’t return calls for months. He continued to try to contact me. I saw him a couple of times, then cut it off again.

Now, I’m seeing him again. He seems a little different…told me he missed me…we’re getting along fine and he’s contacting me regularly. He’s really busy with his job now – it’s seasonal and he has very little free time. I wonder if the few times I see him are because he’s horny. He met my mom when she came to visit. I’m taking it slow – not contacting him, but waiting to hear from him. When he’s less busy, I’ll try to confront him about where this is going. We are young. We met very young and I understand he’s not ready. I wasn’t either, initally. He constantly tells me how beautiful and sexy I am. I don’t see him much, but worry this is all physical…why has he contacted me regularly for 2 years, even when I haven’t responded for months at a time?

Do you think I’m wasting my time? I admire him and would like a relationship, but am afraid of losing him altogether. Help!

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Thanks for your question.

No we don’t think you’re being used, but yes, it might be all physical at least at this point. Sound confusing? Not really.

The easiest way to find out the answer to your question is to inquire whether or not he’s having sex with other people. If he is then he’s also using you for sex. If he’s not having sex with other people, it might be a good time to start directing some of these questions to him. We realize you’re both young, but if you’re old enough to have sex, you’re old enough to talk maturely about the future.

We get a lot of questions from women who are having physical relations, but have no idea what their guy is thinking, or where the relationship is going. Call us old-fashioned, but why!!?? No one can ever be 100% sure of anything, but it seems to us—unless it’s a one night stand, which of course can impose its own set of problems—that a woman would want to know where she stood before she climbed between the sheets, or in the back seat of a car.

Talk to your guy before this goes any further. Find out where his head’s at. Tell him where you’re coming from. Don’t be scared of the truth, because the truth is always a relief, one way or another.

Finally, you mention the word “admire” in your letter to us, and that  makes us kind of nervous. The way you used it made us think that you look up to this guy. If this is true, you need to take a hard look at that. (If it’s not true, you can ignore the remaining text.) You should never put anyone above you. It’s okay to admire qualities a guy might possess. (He might be honorable, trustworthy, smart, funny, courageous, sensitive, bold, etc.) But to date someone because they’re good at sports, music, or some other pursuit, is not a good idea. This only tells you what they excel at, not who they are.

Amanda, we’re not sure what exactly you meant when you said you “admired” him, but we will say if you feel at all inferior to this man, you might need to do some of your own work before you jump into a relationship. When the balance of power is unequal in a relationship the door is open to strife and unhappiness for one or both parties. You want to enter into a relationship feeling strong, confident, sexy, and grounded.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment. And check back for other comments. And let your friends know about us. Thanks.

 

Dating after divorce: Is he interested or not?

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

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Booty caller wants a sleepover

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

I met this guy and we hit it off right away. We have both been through divorces this past year and both have one son with full custody. Our values, morals,and future wants are all in line with each other. On our first date there was also alot of physical attraction. After the first date he texts me and says he really likes me and definitely wants to go out again. So everything seems perfect. The major problem is he has a super crazy ex-wife(not an exaggeration). Now every time we have made plans she causes some uproar and he ends up not being able to go out with me. I know he talks to her way more than he should (even though he says he is done with her) and he has kinda backed off talking to me so much. Needless to say I told him I couldn’t do this(basically risk getting myself hurt right now) and when things calm down on his end with the ex he can feel free to call me.

Two days later he texts and says he can’t stop thinking about me and wants to make sure I am okay. Then says when all the court dates he has to go through are done he wants to see me again. I can understand and have some patience with this but usually if a guy really likes you wouldn’t he do anything to keep it going or be with you? Or does the fact that he has backed off mean he really doesn’t want to date me and with his words he is just trying not to hurt me? It confuses me.

What do you guys think? I don’t want to get my hopes up or hold onto something that isn’t going to happen.

Courtney

Dear Courtney,

Thanks for writing to us.

We think he’s into you, but he’s got a lot on his plate, and not all of it is conducive to starting a new relationship. Typically a guy will do anything to keep something new going, but in his case he’s dealing with larger issues than a stressful job, or travel commitments, etc. We think you should have some patience with him, but still proceed with caution.

You don’t say why he has court dates. We thought he was divorced with full custody of his son? So we can only assume he is working out some alimony situation, or his ex is fighting the custody arrangement. Getting divorced, as you know, can be a messy and sometimes hurtful affair, and in his case it sounds ultra messy. So why he is resolving some of these issues, you need to lay low and give him some time.

Our next thought is why does he talk to his ex so much? If it’s to work out schedules, and talk about issues with their child, that’s one thing. But if they’re talking about their relationship, or any other issues that don’t involve their son, then you need to stay far away from this guy. Because if he’s still talking to her, then he’s still connected to her emotionally, which means he’s left the door open. This doesn’t mean he wants to get back with her—although it could—but it does mean she has a presence in his psyche which will impact every other relationship he tries to have now, and in the future. So it’s up to you Courtney, to determine how connected he is to his ex. Once you surmise where he stands, then you’ll know what to do.

Having said all that, we do think he’s interested in you, and telling you the truth when he says he misses you and wants to see you after the court dates are all over. But you need to be clear with him what you need. Don’t pretend the situation is okay when it isn’t. Both of you come to the table with a lot of “stuff,” so you’re going to have to communicate clearly and openly with each other or it won’t work.

One last note: We do believe that divorced couples should do everything in their power to be amicable, or at least pretend to be amicable. Having a civil, or even a friendly relationship with an ex, is much better for the emotional stability of the children. However, it should be all about the children, not about working through issues, or walking down memory lane. Presumably when couples get divorced they’ve already tried to work through problems. So if this is still going on with your guy, we’d say don’t touch it.

You’re going to have to probe a little here Courtney. Good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a note if you have any follow up comments or questions. Please let your friends know about us.

 

 

 

Booty caller wants a sleepover

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

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Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
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Recent questions:

Breaking Up

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Deleting Friendship on Facebook

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

Let’s start here; I’m 20 and he’s 25. He is the older brother of one of my closest guy friends. I met this guy almost two years ago. When we met we both had just recently come out of serious relationships; his lasted 5 years and mine 3 years. I slept over (no sex) when we first started dating, this was about two months after I had ended my previous relationship. After three months of dating I broke it off-he didn’t have time to be in a relationship from my point of view. By this time we had a sexual relationship.

It’s been almost two years since then and we’ve kept in touch and kept our sexual relationship going. He’s made it clear that he’s not ready for a real relationship and I’ve accepted it. Every so often he’ll give me a call saying he misses me and that he wants to see me and wants to “watch a movie.” When we’re done “watching a movie” we’ll snuggle and listen to some music and pretty much just hang out. I always go home to sleep in my own bed. However, he’s tried to guilt me into spending the night a few times recently.  When I don’t want to go over or when I say it’s too late or that I’m tired he’ll just say “spend the night” or “we don’t have to have sex, just sleep over.” I’ve made it clear before that I wont be sleeping over. We both know we only have a sexual relationship (booty call in lesser terms) and spending the night has a little more meaning to me to start doing it in this kind of relationship. So my question is: why does he insist on asking to spend the night when he already knows I’ll say no? Isn’t the guy the one who should be running away from the sleepovers not asking for them?

Isabelle

Dear Isabelle,

Thanks for your question. This is an interesting reversal of the natural order.

We just need to ask you this question: If he WAS ready to be in a relationship would you be open to it? It sounded like you were interested in having a relationship with him in the past. Are you still? (Leave us a follow up comment.)

We’re not quite sure how to interpret your note. It seems that you like this guy but you’re keeping him at a distance by not sleeping over. This way you won’t get hurt. If that’s the case we think you really need to reevaluate what you’re doing. If you don’t trust him, why are still having sex with him? Do you really think it’s healthy for your overall state of mind? If you’re truly with him just for the sex, wouldn’t it be better to start dating someone else you can trust, and who is ready for a committed relationship? Check out our last post entitled, Friends with benefits. This might give you some additional insight into this type of relationship.

So let’s address your actual question.

We can think of several possible reasons he is asking you to sleep over.

1. He is lonely and would like to have someone in his bed for a night every once in a while. Yes, guys can get lonely too. Or even bored.

2. He wants sex in the morning too.

3. He actually has changed his mind and wants to start a more serious relationship with you.

Our initial feeling was: you should move on. But after reading your note several more times and discussing it, we’re not so sure. Maybe he has changed his mind about a relationship with you? We’re mixed on this. But here’s what we think you should do: You need to figure out what you want. It’s not clear to us what that really is. Once you figure that out, we think you’ll see things more clearly, and know how to proceed. Have you ever thought of asking him why he wants you to sleep over?

A “booty caller” relationship certainly can be fun, but after a while it’s like an endless holding pattern where two people circle and circle, waiting to land.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Friends with benefits

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
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Recent questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

Prom

Deleting Friendship on Facebook

Did I make a mistake by leaving him?

Not sure if he’ll commit

Love or friendship?

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

I’ve been doing this “friends with benefits” thing with a friend of mine for about a little over a month now.  He was recently in a serious relationship, as was I. I made it clear that I was not looking for a relationship and he did as well.  We made rules and came to agreements about the situation. One of the major agreements being that we wouldn’t fall for each other and that if one of us did develop feelings we would back out.  However, I am starting to develop feelings for him. I get the feeling that he is harboring romantic feelings towards me as well.  He’s doing little things like reaching for my hand, running his fingers through my hair, or just pecking me on the lips every once in a while.  But he pulls back whenever this side of him starts to show.  I am not saying that I necessarily want a relationship with him, but I can’t help but feel this tension between us-not just sexual.  I have no idea what to do. I’ve never been in this situation before.  I don’t know if I should just ignore my feelings and continue to have fun, or drop the bomb and get it over with.  It would also be helpful if you guys could maybe help me understand what this guys mindset might be?

I’d be grateful for any insight you guys might be able to offer… HELP!

Morgarita

Dear Morgarita,

Thanks for your question.

We don’t know who coined the phrase “friends with benefits” but it certainly has become part of the relationship landscape. In some ways it’s a great situation. It’s safe: meaning you’re limiting your number of partners and cutting down the risk of STDs. And the sex is often great because there’s an immediate comfort level, but still with the initial excitement of an early stage relationship. However, it’s also ripe for confusion, frustration, and hurt feelings.

We tend to think guys benefit more from this type of relationship because they seem better able to separate their emotions from their physical desires. We’re not surprised that after a month or so you’re already developing feelings for your friend. It’s natural. Women tend to look for a partner who is funny, smart, interesting, and stable. Sure, good looks and a hot body are important, but they don’t necessarily determine whether or not a woman will fall for a guy. This guy you’re with probably has all of these qualities otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been his friend before you started sleeping with him.

For men, good looks and good sex, are usually must haves. That’s not to say we’re so shallow that we don’t care about humor, smarts, and other important qualities, it just means if we’re not attracted physically the game is over. But one important point to note: men can have sex with a woman and not be interested in anything more. Yes, we like to connect with the women we love through sex, but that doesn’t mean we love all the women we have sex with.

It’s hard to say what is going on his mind. The tender moments you describe could be him falling for you, or they could be part of blurred boundaries that will continue to happen in this relationship you so carefully and cautiously set up. Putting rules in place seems like a very practical thing to do, but rules and relationships have never been ideal partners, because the heart is going to do what it wants without consulting the head. And in your case, that’s what’s happening.

So we say go for it. Get it over with. Drop the bombshell. It’s been about two weeks since you asked this question, so that puts your relationship at around the two month mark. That’s certainly a reasonable time in which to have a more serious discussion, especially since you’ve already been partaking in activities that usually accompany a more serious commitment.

If he tells you he’s not interested you can always salvage your “friends with benefits” relationship. He will still be interested in that scenario pretty much no matter what you say to him. It might be awkward for a little bit, but trust us, he’ll want to continue at some point unless he finds someone else. Of course, we don’t know what you’d get from going back to the way it was if you truly want more from the relationship than just sex. It seems to us, if you do drop the bombshell, you should be prepared for the best and worst. Hopefully he feels the same as you and wants to take this to the next level. And if he doesn’t, at least you’ll have your answer. We’ll say it again, and probably another 100 times: nothing venture, nothing gained.

Good luck Morgarita. We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. And subscribe to our blog feed and/or podcast feed. Thanks.

Love or friendship?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

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Breaking Up

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Prom

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

 

Dear Guys,

So this is a long story but here we go.. I’m in need on an emergency session! I was with my boyfriend for five years, and we moved in with my best friend and her boyfriend of two years. My friend and her boyfriend ended up splitting due to her being unfaithful. But me, my boyfriend, and her ex ended up keeping the house. After a few months I noticed that I started developing feelings for my roommate(her ex) and I asked my best friends their opinions.

My best friend of fifteen years moved in with us and knowingly started to go after my roommate just because I had a boyfriend. They hooked up like two times and eventually I found out and it really hurt me.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and my roommate and I have been hooking up-like ALL the way. I really like him,  and he said he likes me but I just feel like I might be getting played. My best friend still lives with me but unfortunately we do not speak at all due to some rumors I found out to be true. Also, I’m going to end up losing my other friend who dated my roommate previously once she finds out we hooked up. I really feel amazing to be single again. I’m only 20 years old and after five years I feel so liberated. But at the same time I really do like this guy. I feel like we should take it slow because he could be the one. I never pictured myself with a guy like this, but I’m completely baffled by him and just really need some advice. My emotions and nerves are everywhere.

Help?!

Cort

Dear Cort,

Thanks for writing to us. Sorry you are so frazzled.

But our first reaction is: wow!? If we read your note correctly, you and two of your friends have either dated or hooked up with your current roommate. Does that mean there aren’t a lot of eligible guys where you live, or is this one particular guy that special?

Let’s chat about your friends first. In the world of guys there is a code of conduct when it comes to hitting on women that your buddies have expressed interest in. (Meaning it’s a no, no.) And most guys adhere to this policy. But it sounds like anything goes with you and your friends. When your girlfriend moved in with you did you tell her you were interested in your roommate? If you did, and she still hooked up with him, she doesn’t seem like much of a friend. But on the flip side, you can’t expect people to be hands off some guy you’re possibly interested in when you have a boyfriend yourself. That’s a bit unrealistic.

As far as this guy goes, he’s got it made. He has women throwing themselves at him and he doesn’t even have to leave his apartment. He must feel like one lucky guy. That doesn’t make him a player, more an opportunist. But in your case, neither is all that savory.

We know you say you have feelings for this guy, but you have a lot of sorting out to do. First you need to figure out who your friends are and what role they’re playing in your dating life? Then you need to decide what you really want? Do you want to be single and play the field, or do you want to be in a relationship with this guy? And if you want to be in a relationship with him, do you want it to be exclusive? Because right now he has no reason to change his behavior.

The only way to see what might happen is to let him know you’re interested. Talk to him. See where his head’s at. The problem is that you’ve already set up one type of relationship with him, and sometimes it’s difficult to make a change from one type of relationship-a hook up- to a more serious and committed relationship. It’s more than likely he’ll file away the pleasant memories of this moment in time, and then move on and find a girl he wants to be serious with.

The only way to find out is by putting yourself out there and taking a risk. We wish you the best. It’s not pleasant to do that, but it’s necessary. If it doesn’t work out, you’re probably better off moving out of your apartment and starting over fresh.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

 


 

Deleting friendship on Facebook

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
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Last week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

How to start a long distance relationship?

Is this boy playing me?

He’s back, but is he into me?

This week’s questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

Prom

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

I need your advice. I like a guy, so I added him in on Facebook. Well, he accepted it but then later on I found out he deleted the news feed in his wall which showed that he was friends with me. He did not do it for his other friends.

Do you think I better look for other guys because to I feel like he’s saying he’s not interested in me despite the fact that I know one of his girl friends has been teasing him when she happened to read the news feed about our friendship Before he deleted it)?

Thanks,

Nyita

Dear Nyita

Thanks for writing to us.

Maybe we’re a bit out of touch, but does adding a guy on Facebook automatically mean you like them? If  that’s true, then we must have a ton of girlfriends that we are unaware of.

Facebook interactions should never replace face-to-face communication, but that’s what’s happening more and more. Social networks are fun to join, but they aren’t for matters of the heart. They are best for keeping in touch, sharing exciting news, posting pics—but not the kind you’ll regret later—and for other simple things like that. Once you try using it for me serious matters its inadequacy is exposed.

It’s time to move on Nyita. This guy does not seem interested. And he handled the situation very poorly. We’re sorry about that. However, this doesn’t mean you should feel the need to start looking for another guy right away.

We think you should spend time with your friends and do what you need to do with school and other activities. Focus less on finding a guy and more on some of the other things that make you happy. Your positive energy and outlook on life might just bring a new person to into your life. Sometimes the less we search the more the answers find us.

And please, keep your dating life off of Facebook.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. There is one way you can use Facebook. Join our fan page and let your friends know about us. Or even tell them face-to-face.

Breaking up

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Last week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

How to start a long distance relationship?

Is this boy playing me?

He’s back, but is he into me?

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

I was in a  relationship for about thirteen months, after four months of being best friends. Everything was going okay until the six month mark, at which time he started ignoring me a bit. I kept asking him what was wrong but he ignored me more. After a year he started getting hyper over the smallest things, which started causing tension between us. Then he said he needed some space to think, and that he wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship. I gave him him space for about a month, although he still said he wanted to be friends. I told him I didn’t want to be just friends.

Then he started to not return my phone calls and texts and I started getting frustrated and confused. We started arguing a lot. Why would he do this? He broke all the promises he made to me and now he’s shattered my heart.

So I don’t know what to do. Does he have some serious problem? Should I be his friend and wait for him or just move on?

He also said if he meets some new girl in the future he doesn’t want a relationship to bind him. Although he also said breaking up with me hurts him a lot.  So what should I do? He still wants to be my friend, but I want more than that.

Piya

Dear Piya,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’re sorry you’re going through a hard time. Breaking up is always sad, especially when promises are made, and plans are laid. But a break up is even more difficult if you’re not sure what’s really going. You’re wondering: Am I breaking up, or are we just on hold? This state of limbo is even harder than a breakup, because you’re not sure whether to grieve and move on, or be hopeful that something might change.

However, in your case the signs are pretty clear that you’ve broken up. He’s pretty much telling you straight out that he wants to be free to pursue other girls if an opportunity arises. There’s nothing gray in the interpretation. He’s also said he just wants to be friends again which is how the two of you started out.

It sounds like he gave it a shot but realized he didn’t have feelings for you beyond friendship. Maybe he didn’t handle himself very well while he sorted these feelings out-he should have returned your calls and texts and communicated to you what was going on with him-but that doesn’t mean something’s wrong with him. Break ups are always messy. He probably felt really sad when he realized he didn’t want a relationship with you, and then the guilt set in. Instead of tackling it head on, he chose the other route, which most people do, and started dropping hints. Guys often do this because because they think it’s an easier exit strategy than just sitting their girlfriend down and talking to them. This is not because we don’t care. We actually care a lot, it’s just we’re not as good at discussing our feelings. And once a guy’s made a decision, it’s unlikely he’s going to change his mind.

The other hard thing about a break up is that one person has already been thinking about it for months. So when they finally reveal how they feel, they’ve been working through the emotional upheaval for a while, probably talking to friends and family to sort out and understand what and how they’re feeling. That’s why it feels like it’s so sudden to the other person, because they’re just hearing this horribly upsetting news for the first time, but the other person has been grappling with it for a while.

Piya, your best move is to move on here. As hard as it is, you need to let him go; and we don’t recommend being friends with him. That’s only going to prolong your pain. Down the road if you’re feeling stronger, or possibly seeing someone new, and you decide you want to be friends with him again, that might be a better time to make that decision. For now, give yourself some time to heal. Spend time with your friends and family, and do things that make you happy.

Hang in there.

THE GUYS

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