Taking my long distance friendship to the next level (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Hi Guys,

My dilemma has to do with taking a long distance relationship with a friend to the next level possibly. I’ve read a lot of the posts about long distance/(is he interested), but I feel like my situation is a hybrid of several categories so I figured I’d ask for myself. So here is the backstory:

I met this guy my junior year of college, but we didn’t really get to know each other until the next year. We became pretty fast friends; we have a shared interest in politics, but also talked about other things. Within a few months, in addition to seeing eachother in school, we were going out for drinks after class and having lunch together a couple of times a week. We talked pretty much everyday, often late into the night.

I had a crush on him and he seemed to have an interest in me, even coming up with his own nick name for me, but we never talked about it. I’m a pretty firm believer in the guy making the first “official” move. We flirted but it never went anywhere. We had both recently gotten out of very long term relationships and were about to graduate and (at least on my end) planned on moving back home. Things went on like this throughout the year.

After graduation we kind of fell out of touch. I had moved back home and was about to start law school; he was looking for a job. About 5 months after graduating he calls me out of the blue—we never really talked on the phone, always in person or text— he said he was just thinking about me and decided to call. We talked on the phone for at least an hour, only stopping because I had an appointment to go to. Since then our communication has been pretty sporadic. Again, I was busy with school, him with his career- which had taken him to the other side of the country.

About a year ago I texted him and during our conversation he said something flirty to which I said something along the lines of “you had your chance.” I was joking(ish), but his response surprised me. He said that he knew that but that it just hadn’t been the right time. This was the first time we had even mentioned the mass of sexual tension between us. Since then we have talked off and on, sometimes exchanging dirty texts. I usually initiate the conversations these days, although it has not always been this way. Lately, (the last few months) it seems like our conversations are shorter and I’m less likely to hear back from him after we exchange a few texts. I’m confused; while our conversations tend to be short, he’s pretty flirty still, saying things like, “You must have a thing for me,” and “I’ll bet that made you blush.” I’m not really sure what to make of it.

I really care about this guy, and especially after dating some other people since college have really realized how much a care about him and would like to at least try a relationship with him. He’s back from the other side of the country but still about an hour plane ride from where I live; but it’s not an impossible distance.

I guess my question is two-fold. 1) Does it even sound like this guy is into me or am I totally misreading the situation? The lack of initiation of conversation/dropping the conversation is unsettling to me as a usually find this is a trait of selfish/inconsiderate guys, but considering it has not always been this way I’m not sure if it is just a symptom of the distance. He’s a little but older than me (about 6 years, I’m 23) for what it’s worth. 2) If he is interested how do I go about starting something?

In case it wasn’t already clear we have never slept together or had any other sort of physical relationship. Other than a few risqué texts the relationship has been just friends.

Thanks Guys!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Nice to hear from you. You’ve got an interesting situation on your hands. But before we get to your question we want to thank you for your donation. We appreciate it!

What jumps out at us is his response to your quip, “Well, you had your chance.” He said, “Well, I knew that, but it wasn’t the right time.” The thing to understand about guys is that when they’re way into a girl, they’ll do whatever they can to make that known, and then they’ll try to seal the deal. The “right time” doesn’t factor in. (What, was he too busy or something?) He had time to hang out with you a ton, so if he was interested he probably would have made some kind of move. So the question we’re wondering is why? Why wasn’t that a good time? Is that a nice way of deflecting your question without hurting your feelings, or is he somehow different than most of the guys we know, including us? The one possibility of course is if he was hurting over his long-term relationship. But we don’t get that sense. That seems like an easy excuse.

We think he still isn’t sure how he feels. He talks dirty and flirts when he’s remembering all the great things about you. When he realizes he’s not sure, and that he might be leading you on, he pulls back and doesn’t respond to your texts. (We don’t see him as selfish, just confused.) It’s easy for people to remember all the positives, and forget that they weren’t sure from the onset. He’s vacillating because he very much wants to have strong feelings for you, but he doesn’t want to start something and then realize that it’s not what he wants. (And he cares for you too much; he doesn’t want to hurt you.)

That said, we still think it’s worth reaching out to him. What have you got to lose? Sure, it might make the friendship awkward, but honestly the friendship is already awkward because you want more. Guys do take time to mature. If we’re doing our math correctly he’s 29 and it’s about that time that guys wake up and start realizing all the things they don’t know. An awakening of sorts. Maybe his awakening will include you? But it sounds like you’re going to have to be the one to get this conversation started. (Although we’re hoping he will.) Is there a way to casually inquire about seeing each other? Would he have a reason to visit your hometown in addition to seeing you? What about you visiting him? That might give you more control over the situation? If you visit and stay at a hotel or something, you could always leave early if things weren’t working out. (We’d definitely recommend staying somewhere other than his place based on the unclear nature of your relationship.

What do you think? How does this plan seem? Leave us a comment below and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. (Leave all in comments section below.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Relationship and Dating Advice: My boyfriend is checking out online dating sites

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend and I met online a year ago. Once we started dating we both deactivated our accounts. But after a fight I saw that he reactivated his. After approaching him about it he apologized and deleted it. A few months later after another fight I saw an email notification that he had signed up for a completely new online dating website. I am unsure how to approach this or what it means. Right now things seem better than ever as we approach our one year anniversary, but maybe they are not as good as they seem?

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question. We’re glad things seem to be better, but do you really think you should ignore this pattern of behavior? (Every time the two of you have a problem, he goes and starts exploring dating sites.) His behavior is a red-flag. It basically means he’s got one foot in and one foot out of the relationship. As soon as something goes wrong he’s off checking out what else is out there. This is not the behavior of someone who is committed for the long haul. And it means a part of him is not satisfied with what he has.

In order for relationships to thrive both partners have to choose the relationship every day. The relationship must be their first priority when they’re out traversing the world. Because these days, with online dating, chat rooms, and other web related activities, it’s easier than ever to stray. And not only stray, but to hide any “activity” from a partner. That’s why this needs to be addressed now.

We understand that you’re scared to broach the topic for fear that he’ll leave, but honestly, if you don’t, it’s not like the problem’s going to go away. And really, just because he’s physically in the relationship doesn’t mean he’s committed emotionally. Do you really want to be with a guy you can’t trust? Do you want to be with a guy who doesn’t feel as excited to be with you as you are with him? We don’t think so. If he freaks out and breaks up with you, you’ll have all the answers you need. As sad as that might be, he’ll be doing you a favor, and you won’t waste any more time with a guy who cheats. If he doesn’t freak out, and seems completely remorseful, apologizes, asks for forgiveness and says he’ll do anything to restore the trust in the relationship—including going to couple’s counseling or something like that—then at that point you can decide if that’s what you still really want.

What do you think? Does this make sense to you? Do you have any follow up questions? Ask away.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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He cheated; and he had sex while we were broken up

Dear Guys,

I’ll try to make this short and sweet.

I’m in a 4-5 year long distant relationship with a guy who’s cheated on me 3 times—flirting, texting, sexting. He was also on dating web sites. Etc w/ other females. Every time I caught him, we would break up for a few months but somehow always get back together. The 4th time I caught him, I decided it was over! I couldn’t take it. We broke up for 6 months (May-Nov.) We started texting again a little in November-January but later found out he was also talking to someone else during that same time. I gave up and cut off all connections with him from that January-August of this year. In that time he never once tried to contact me until recently (2weeks ago) he sent flowers and multiple hand written notes about how sorry he was and how much he loves me and wants me back. He also claimed to be a changed man.

Seven days ago we started talking again via phone/text and I just had a burning question: Had he been sexual with another female?His reply was, yes. He told me it was only one time in October of last year. I feel hurt. If he really loved me, then why did he feel the need to be intimate with someone else knowing he want me back? I had plenty of opportunities to sleep around too, but I always denied the offers. Today he insists “that was the past” and that he wants a future with me. I want to be able to forgive and forget seeing we weren’t together. Now all day everyday I think of it and it just eats my heart out. The thought of him having sex with someone pisses me off and in return I get really angry at him. I hate that I dwell on it.

Am I over thinking this? How do I really move on? I really do love him. I just don’t know how much more heart ache I can take. I want to trust him more as well but I don’t know how :-/ HELP!

Anastasia

Dear Anastasia,

Thanks for your question. Pardon our skepticism, but the red-flags are flying high.

Him having sex with someone while you were broken up is the least of your worries. In fact, yes, you are overreacting. You weren’t together when he had sex with this other woman. (Although you can be sure that he had sex more than one time.) But even still, what he did while the two of you were broken up is not your concern. Maybe you’re upset because you passed up opportunities and he didn’t, but still, it’s unfair of you to expect him to behave the way you did. And yes, a guy can have sex with one woman even if he loves another. Guys are all about compartmentalizing.

However, what he did while the two of you were together is a whole other matter. We’re not sure why he’s had a sudden change of heart, but based on his previous behavior it’s probably because he’s lonely and/or horny. He may say he’s changed—and it’s possible—but changing this kind of behavior usually takes some serious work. Has he been seeing a therapist or some other professional? Has he processed his feelings with anyone besides himself? Has he been exploring why he feels the need to cheat when he’s in a relationship? (Believe us, you’re not the only one he’s cheated on.) What makes you think he’s really changed besides him saying it?

So the question Anastasia is, why do you want him back? Sure, he might have some great qualities, but if you can’t trust him, there’s not much of a relationship. Don’t settle. The person you ultimately end up with should be as committed to the relationship as you. Do you think this guy fits the bill? And do you really think you’ll be able to trust him again?

Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. Leave your questions and/or thoughts in the comments’ section below. And please share our site with friends. Share on Facebook, Twitter, or any other place you frequent. Thanks. We appreciate it.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Boyfriend’s ex-wife keeps asking him to do things

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend’s ex-wife is CONSTANTLY dependent on him for things grade school children can figure out. She’s a smart woman; she works for the government as an analyst, but when it comes to common sense…she is really dumb. I’m not sure if this is just her “dumbing herself down” to make her ex feel as if she still needs him?? He lives with me and she’s in a different state. We both have children from our previous relationship.

I am NOT dependent in ANY way with my ex (except when it comes to the children’s needs of course) so I understand if she needs advice/help with children. I’m fine with that; I get it. But to ask HOW to paint a wall when something is in the way? Or how to change a battery in a controller?  It’s as though she goes straight to him FIRST before attempting to figure out the situation. He claims that he is obligated to make things easier for her as much as he can because he is not IN HOUSE to care for their kids. She’s constantly asking him to move back to be closer to the children. When I just tell him what I think about the situation, he gets all angry and says he should have never said anything. (Which just  means to me that he won’t tell me about any other situations that come up.) We’re talking about marriage too, but I don’t wanna marry his ex as well… so my question is, am I annoyed for no reason? Or am I right about her playing this out just because she has to contact him?  UGH.

Tanya

Dear Tanya,

Thanks for your question.

When people get married, they not only marry the person, but they marry all the person’s past relationships. When a person marries at a young age, most of the time the impact of those previous relationships amounts to psychological and emotional baggage. But in second marriages, or when people get married when they’re older, it’s much more complicated because there are usually more people involved. So yes, you will be marrying the whole package. (Him, his ex, his kids, etc. He’ll be doing the same with you.)

In order for us to answer your question we need to make some assumptions about his marriage and breakup. (Please let us know if we’re way off base.) We’re assuming he left her. (The reason almost doesn’t matter.) And he feels guilty about it. And she’s using his guilt against him. It might not even be intentional on her part, more an instinct, something she knows she can do, a way to keep the connection alive, and the hope alive, that maybe, possibly, he’ll reconsider, and come back. She might not even be aware of this, but subconsciously she’s thinking and feeling it. (Our assumption of course)

Can you blame her? If you weren’t so annoyed you could probably put yourself in her shoes and understand where she’s coming from. She’s not dumb. (You know this) She wants to stay connected to her ex. She’s likely reeling from the breakup. So asking him for help is a great way to keep the connection alive.

But remember Tanya, this connection is partly alive because of your boyfriend. And so now we’ll make another assumption. You’re probably just as annoyed with him—maybe even more—than you are with her. You’re probably thinking, “Why can’t he see this like I’m seeing it? What’s his problem? Why does he let her manipulate him?” And we understand your frustration. We do. But we also think you need to do a quick 180 on this and reconsider your stance.

The way you’re approaching this is divisive. You’re unwittingly pushing your boyfriend away, and your creating a division between the two of you. He’s not going to tell you things in the future, and that’s just going to lead to more and more frustration and resentment on your part, which is going to lead to more and more arguing. We’re not saying you’re going to drive him into her arms, but you are going to drive him away from you, or at least create an emotional divide, which we know you don’t want to do.

We’re not ignoring your position. We can totally see how this could and would annoy you. But keep in mind the big picture; and keep in mind how difficult a balancing act this is for him. He’s got you on the one hand, and he’s got her, and he’s got his guilt, and he’s got his kids. We’re not letting him off easy, but you’ve got to understand that you have no control over the dynamic of their relationship. You need to either shift your position quickly, or be upset all of the time. (That doesn’t sound like much fun.)

The thing is, she’s not a threat to you. The only threat here is how you’ve positioned yourself. So our suggestion: Sit your boyfriend down, explain to him that this is hard for you, but that you also understand how difficult this is for him. Make sure this is done calmly and quietly like you’re having a nice discussion. Let him know you love him and from now on you’re going to try hard to support him. And then follow through. Actions speak much louder then words.

Then finally, try to make a paradigm shift with his ex. Stop seeing her as a threat, but as someone who’s hurt, and not sure how to move forward. If you extend an olive branch to her and treat her warmly you might be surprised at her reaction. Try to work towards diffusing the situation instead of escalating it. And you may surprise yourself. If you stick to this plan, in a few months time you may realize that this isn’t that big of a deal. And that there are much bigger and better things to focus on: Like building a life with the man you love.

We hope this helps. We’d like to hear your thoughts on this. Or ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

THE GUYS

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Is a guy able to be in a relationship with one woman without getting bored or without cheating?

Dear Guys,

I am a girl who is afraid to “put my guard down.” Even though you guys really say men are simple, they really aren’t. I am afraid to give my all in a relationship. Reason being is all men check out other women, fantasize about them, and so on and so forth. Not only that, but men NEED sex. Which even though I give my man sex (since I love it just as much as him) I’m scared he will get tired of doing it just with me and cheat. He claims to really love me and after two years of dating the connection is still there but I can’t truly believe him. He says I’m the best he’s ever had but in my head I’m thinking that if somebody better comes along, I’m history.

So I want to know two things: Will a man eventually get tired of having sex with the same woman? Or does a man actually have the potential to love like you see in romance movies?

Missy

Dear Missy,

Thanks for your question. We understand your concern.

It’s not just men who stray because of boredom. Sex can get stale for both people in a relationship. In fact it’s very natural after a year or so, for what at first was amazing and mind-blowing, to become ordinary and routine. Effort is required from both sides to sustain an exciting sex life. We’ve also heard the same complaint from women: That they’re sick of the ‘same old thing.’ And the point we’re getting at is, if you’re relying on keeping this guy interested based on amazing sex you’re doomed to fail.

You’re right when you say guys check out other women constantly. Yes they do; it’s in the wiring. But remember that checking out other women shouldn’t be threatening as long as it’s done discreetly and respectfully. And checking out other woman doesn’t automatically lead to cheating. In fact it’s good that your guy is open about it. If he was trying to hide his “interest” in other women, then you’d have a reason to be concerned. We’d suggest not trying to suppress his need to do this, as long as he not trying to move his fantasies to the real world. And you know, you might see other men you find attractive; why not share this with him as well so he sees that it can work both ways?

So Missy, so why are you so guarded? Have you been hurt before, or been let down in previous relationships? If so, that can seriously impact your ability to trust. But those feelings stem from you; don’t project those feelings onto someone else. If he hasn’t done anything but be a loyal boyfriend you shouldn’t assume the worst, unless he’s given you reason to not trust him. Has he?

Men are not so different than women. Maybe the pull to have sex with lots of women is there, but for many guys, the pull of a family, and a loving relationship with a woman they can trust, love, laugh with, and grow old with, is also there, and we think that pull is strong enough to prevent most guys from throwing it away with a silly affair that’s only about sex.

Part of this Missy is about you not feeling confident enough that someone could possibly love you for the long term. This is less about your guy straying and more about what you’re feeling internally. We think that’s worth exploring, to see why you’re feeling insecure. Obviously he adores you, so be confident that he will continue to.

As far as the movies, well, don’t believe what you see in the movies. None of that is real. Because relationships are messy and complicated, because humans are messy and complicated. And when have you ever wanted to kiss your boyfriend first thing in the morning when he has “dragon breath?” (We’ve always wondered that about the movies.)

In the meantime, give your guy the benefit of the doubt until he proves that he’s not to be trusted.

Feel free to leave us a comment or ask a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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He cheated with his ex-wife; and I’m pregnant

Dear Guys,

So this is a complicated long message. Five years ago I began a relationship with my partner who was married at the time. He said it was an unhappy relationship and he wanted to leave, so six months later he left her. Six months after that he realized he had feelings for her again so he spent a week over Xmas with her. I had to let him go to see if it was 100% over.

So anyway he came back after one week. We moved on; it was hard, but we got through it. He always talked about a divorce but never submitted the forms. So almost four years later I discover I’m pregnant and we are both happy. He seems really keen and excited, buying things and being really caring. So last week he tells me he has been seeing her again for the past six months and thinks he has feelings for her. Anyway, he spent a night at her house after I asked him to leave and the next day turns up at the door saying he’s made a massive mistake and he loves me and he was filled with guilt for leaving her the way he did and their relationship was just about sex and nothing else.

Now I’m so confused. How could he not have told me when we discovered I was pregnant tha he was already seeing her again? What do I do? Can I let myself believe he is over her? Can I trust him again? I just don’t know. I love him and want to be a family but what if he really doesn’t love me? He won’t answer any questions straight and keeps avoiding things when I ask about us.

Sharon

Dear Sharon,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re in this situation, especially during a time—having your new baby— that should be completely blissful.

You’re right to figure this out now. A lot of people think having a child will solve all of their problems—we’re not saying you think that way—but actually, having a baby only intensifies any issues that are already present.

Obviously your guy is confused about his feelings, and well he should be. He was unhappy in his marriage; but instead of dealing with those feelings directly with his wife, he sought out comfort and love from another woman: you. We’re not trying to make you feel guilty, we’re just trying to help you see why he’s so conflicted. Any person with a conscience and a heart is not going to feel good about doing what he did. He feels guilty; he feels remorseful; but he also is pretty sure he doesn’t really want to be with his ex. And this would account for his flip-flopping.

So part of what’s going on here is the way the two of you came together. It was a covert union, one destined to have holes. That doesn’t mean the holes can’t be filled, and the ship righted, but the two of you need to start hashing all of this out as soon as possible.

He’s got to start being more honest with you. Maybe the first time, you let him try to figure out his feelings for his ex, but these last six months he’s basically been cheating on you. What’s striking is that he just expects you to take him back like he made some little mistake. The thing is, betrayal is a very serious issue, mainly because it undermines the trust that’s been built up over years. We get the sense he wants you to forget his whole foray, move on, and be happy with him; but you’re right to wonder. Who’s to say he won’t cheat again sometime down the road, possibly with his ex, or some other woman? He’s shown a pattern of behavior and those patterns are very difficult to break.

We don’t doubt he cares for you, but the bigger question is, what is he willing to do to regain your trust? Right now he’s not doing anything; all he’s doing is avoiding the discussion. But he can’t keep doing that. The two of you need to have some serious discussions about many matters: How did his indiscretions and explorations affect you and make you feel? How do you know you’ll be able to trust him? What is truly going on with his ex? Is he committed to changing his behavior pattern? How committed is he to you? What do you both need from this relationship? How will you plan on dealing with problems that will surely arise in the future? (They always do, especially with kids.) We also might suggest exploring these issues with a professional. (Couples counselor)

Sharon, if he doesn’t get 100% on board with all that you propose you need to seriously think hard about whether or not he’s the man you want to spend your life with. We’re hoping he’ll rise to the challenge, but frankly, raising your baby will be your number one priority very soon, and you’ll need a partner who will be a solid part of your team. We hope the two of you will be able to solve your problems and get on the same page.

Your thoughts? Leave us a comment, or ask a follow-up questions.

We truly wish you all the best.

THE GUYS

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Other questions to check out: 

My fiance does what he wants and then say it’s my problem

He’s not involved with the baby; is my marriage over? 

Boyfriend and his ex wife have no boundaries 

 

 

I’m with my ex-husband’s best friend; but he’s into S & M

Dear Guys,

This could take forever. It’s a soap opera. To help get to the point, a short background. I am with my ex-husband’s best friend. In truth, we all three met at the same moment fourteen years ago. My ex was faster at the draw so my current boyfriend has literally been quietly waiting. I had no clue until a year ago. When we hooked up last year, he called my ex to ask permission. Ex was fine with it, but my current boyfriend ended up losing the relationship over us. I was very careful to let him decide, but after quietly loving me for so long he took the jump.

So, this guy and I have been best friends for years. Now we’ve been living together for a year as lovers. Here’s the catch, we are AWESOME together. We are SO in love. It’s gross, but we can’t help it. Even after a year, we’re still acting like teens. It throws us both.

Here’s the problem, he has always been into S&M. I’ve known him so long there was no surprise there. We are both dominate people, and in that game, only one person gets the top. After a year of trying to solve this problem, we knew I could never meet that need for him. I did agree to allow him to find someone to get that need met. He tried for a month, and by the end of the month we both agreed (enthusiastically) that we actually wanted an exclusive relationship. The last standing order was that we were exclusive, and we didn’t want anyone else…but when we were more ready, we would try it out at a later date.

So…fast forward about three months. I leave home to help a dear friend in a family emergency. I do not get a return flight, as I will stay until she no longer needs me. He actually pushed strongly for me to go and provided all the support I needed. But three days into my mission, his son told me his dad was at the bar. I’m like???? Because he went alone. So I investigated. I find his postings on Craigslist….I find a new email address….when I confronted him he got angry and defensive and said I didn’t trust him and automatically felt accused wrongly. He got so riled up that he cursed at me in a voicemail. That was not like him. We both hate confrontations. So I yielded and just told him to do as he wishes. That was 24 hours ago. His last statement to me was, ” I will.” He tried pulling the “I’m a grown man and can do as I please” card. (He’s been getting testosterone injections lately too. It’s likely building his confidence up again.)

For as much as this man worships me, I’m wondering what the heck is going on???  This is the first time he’s ever lied or held a secret. He entrusted me with his entire life, finances, and even power of attorney for his son a year ago. We live like we’re married. We’ve been best friends for fourteen years. We already knew all our stories. His last words at the airport were, “Please call and text me…I hang on your every word.” I don’t care that he needed something I couldn’t give so he’s trying to find it. But, why lie to me; why hold a secret?; why change the rules, especially without notification? This is killing me.

Miriam

Dear Miriam,

Thanks for your question. Sorry we couldn’t get to this sooner. And we’re sorry this is so difficult.

The very fact that the two of you are so intimately connected, and like you said, “still act like teens” almost makes this more understandable. We know that might not make sense so let us explain.

When two people are so connected the way the two of you are, it’s almost as if your identities have fused to become one. For a while—sometimes a long while—that can feel empowering, exciting, mind-blowing even. But after a time, someone comes to the realization that they are losing their own identity in the mix. When this realization happens, the person starts to try and break free, flex their muscles, be autonomous, declare their independence. This is when many couples break up, because it’s a wake up call; it’s a reality check, and more often than not, the reality pushes someone to search elsewhere to find that euphoric feeling again. Of course we all know that that search is futile because the longing they have is more about what’s missing for them internally, rather than something to actually obtain.

What’s going on here is a cousin of that. He doesn’t want to leave your relationship but he still wants to carve out his own space and be more independent within the parameters of your relationship. He’s just doing a crappy job of it right now. This is not about S & M and what he’s not getting from you. (You seem like a very sensitive and loving partner and he’s lucky to have you.) This is about him trying to find himself; this is about him sending you a message that he’s a man, and with that comes independence. Yes, it’s an immature way of going about it, and maybe he feels this is the only way he can do this: by acting like a teenager. But that’s what’s going on, and that’s why he’s kept this a secret from you.

We suggest letting the smoke clear—for both of you—and then sitting down and trying to work through this maturely. Some questions to consider and discuss: What do you need from this relationship? What does he need? Are you both getting your needs met? Is that possible? What compromises can be made to move forward? Is this really about your sex life, or is that more a symptom of some other larger issue? If it is about the sex, more specifically what he needs, are you comfortable allowing him to seek that out elsewhere?

After these questions—and probably others—are answered—possibly with the help of a professional (A couples counselor perhaps?)—you need to come up with a plan for how you will communicate and then resolve issues as you move forward in your relationship. Because, as you know, relationships don’t float forever on the giddiness of new love, they ride on tracks dug from hard work, commitment, mutual respect and love.

What do you think?

Leave us a comment below, or ask a follow up question.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And consider a donation to THE GUYS. No donation is too small or too big. Use PayPal button on the right of any page on our site.

Questions about Sex: 

My guy had trouble getting aroused; is there something wrong with me?

Can you guys explain men and masturbation to me?

Can a guy’s taste really change? 

Do looks matter? 

My boyfriend wants to watch porn together

 

 

 

My friend doesn’t want a relationship and he won’t let me go

Hey Guys,

I really need your help… I have this best friend. A guy I’ve BEEN best friends with for the past four or so years, and we have always been connected on a very deep, emotional level. He has had a rather difficult past and personal life with his family that has caused him to have difficulty being emotionally open with people. Now, it was always quite evident to myself, my best friends, and even his, that he had developed powerful feelings for me, and I him. People often asked the both of us if we were dating, or why we weren’t, and our close friends would get frustrated with us for not “just trying it.”

After years of receiving mixed signals, I finally gave up and told him about my feelings for him several months ago. But I told him that I was only telling him about it because I wanted him to let me go. He told me he was sorry and that he didn’t feel the same for me, but also got really mad and angry and frustrated, saying that I was being immature for thinking I had to let him go to get over my feelings. And after not only a month of silence, he asked to be with me.

The main conflict with our relationship was that it would only have been able to last two months, because he was going to college and I was staying in our town. We agreed on these terms, and it was honestly the most incredible relationship I have ever been in. He was a very loving, caring boyfriend. He told me he loved me, nervously, one time (which was why I thought it was special, it only happened once). By the end of the two months, despite confessing that we both wanted to, we didn’t even have sex, mostly on his initiative, he said he  “couldn’t do that to me” because he was leaving. So he left for two months, still called me every single weekend and texted/chatted me constantly, he came back, and is leaving again in two weeks. My feelings didn’t change, but when I told him that, he said that his had.

I don’t understand how they could have gone away so quickly after being there for SO long? I’m fine with him just not wanting to get my hopes up for a long distance relationship which was why we broke up, I’m even fine if he had just lied to me about his feelings for me, which he has done before. I’m keeping my eyes open to other guys because I want to be smart about this, but I don’t know what to do about my feelings for him. I dated other people while I was just friends with him too, but even then my feelings didn’t subside completely. I don’t even know if I can take continuing on with him as a friend; it hurts me to even think about having to bear it, but at the same time, I’m one of the only people he opens up to about himself and he’s been more like family to me than my real family, and I don’t want to let him go.

He knows it’s hurting me, but he won’t let me go either. What does he want from me?

Thanks

Ariadne

Dear Ariadne,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re hurting so much.

The issue you have, is that he doesn’t want from you, what you want from him. Sure, he may have given a relationship a go with you, but that was because he feared losing you. He values your friendship, loves you deeply, and clearly considers you his closest confidante, but for whatever reason he’s not interested in a romantic relationship with you. And besides his capitulation over the summer, he’s been pretty clear about this from the get go. We don’t see a flip-flop here. What we see is a guy who very much wants to be in love with you, but knows deep down that he’s not.

There could be several reasons for this. We feel you need to consider all of them in order to help you move on.

1. He’s not attracted to you physically. (Likes a different type of woman.)

2. He’s gay.

3. A combination of #1 and #2. Meaning, he’s not attracted to you BECAUSE he’s gay.

We know you mention a 4rth possible explanation but we don’t think that’s the case. (That he’s emotionally unavailable.) Why? Because a guy will still try to have sex with a woman even if he’s not emotionally available. In fact that’s pretty much all he’ll be looking for.

The thing is Ariadne, you present evidence to support all the possible explanations. And we believe all of them are worth exploring, especially if you’re trying to move on. Sometimes there is no good explanation for why a person doesn’t feel that butterfly feeling. Believe us, he wishes he did. You’re perfect for him in almost every way. It’s possible he doesn’t understand it himself, or it’s possible he does but does not want to share his true feelings with you, or reveal something to you he’s not comfortable revealing.

The other thing that’s interesting is the gender reversal that’s playing out here. Typically it’s the woman who doesn’t understand why the guy needs to cut off all contact. This woman doesn’t realize that if a guy wants to be intimate with a particular woman, just the thought of this woman being with other guys sexually is just brutal. In your situation it’s playing out just the opposite, which also supports one of our theories.

So how do you move on?

1. Finding out the true reason he doesn’t want to be with you might help you.

2. Distance. (This always makes it easier.)

3. Falling in love with someone else. (This shows you’ve truly moved on, but it’s a situation of the chicken and the egg. Because is it even possible to fall in love with someone else when you’re pining for a different person?)

4. Cutting off all ties. (This may help you, but it also might amplify your feelings, and make you miss him more.)

5. Tone down the friendship. (Take away the intensity and just be friends. Probably a nice compromise.)

Finally, we really think he’s being selfish. You’re telling him how difficult this is and he’s saying, “Get over it. I need you. You’re being immature.” Actually, he’s being immature for not “hearing” you and trying to help you understand what’s going on for him. He’s putting his needs over yours, and that’s something to seriously think about. If you were in a relationship with him, we wonder how else he might put his needs first? Just sayin’

Please leave us a comment below and let us know your thoughts. And ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. And please let your friends know about us. We appreciate it!

Also consider a donation to THE GUYS using the PayPal button on the right of any page on our site. No donation is too small or too big! Thanks.

 

 

 

How do you move a relationship from online fantasy to reality?

Hey Guys,

A little background. I have been married to a guy for ten years and we separated last year. He was an athlete and was away from home a lot. He cheated over an over.

I have no idea how to date! I am athletic myself and have a real easygoing personality. I am pretty and have a degree in sports science, so I have a brain. I am a fun mummy. But I am standoffish. Or intimidating to some men.

I decided to go online dating and really found it difficult to trust anyone or anything they said. One guy kept coming into my radar.. And he is a coach. He is attractive; we connected when we started chatting. I was unsure about this site and my ex gave me a hard time about being on it. So I left. This ‘coach’ understood and we agreed to stay in touch via text.

We also stayed in touch through various coincidences. (Friends of mine knew him. I saw him on the beach. etc.)

I was attracted to him online, but now that I have seen him in person I am even more attracted to who he is. My friend laughed and said that it was unbelievable as I told her that was the guy I was having naughty conversations with online. (We started doing that.) I told him that I had seen him that day and that I knew his family and not to spook him too much, but I thought he was wonderful with the kids.

He replied and it was all good. Now we chat whenever but into our personal emails. He is away again. He turns me on so much sexually that I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. It’s words on a screen. But during this time I actually went on a date with someone else and he was attractive but when he wrote something remotely naughty it did nothing for me! When this guy—my e-friend—sends me something, both my body and mind respond.

And after all of that. We talk about our desires and he has mever been with a women that likes sex, or engages in outside sex. So I asked him if I was too much for him sexually. He says not at all. And I asked him if he ever wanted to meet for real and he said yes.

What do I want to do?  I left him with an email that said give me a message when you are back. I heard nothing for weeks. I know it’s preseason and unlike most women I get it. We chat til all hours and I’m sure he is as turned on as I am.

What are the chances that we will ever meet? Or is this just two people enjoying orgasms online?

Sue

Dear Sue,

Thanks for your question.

First of all there’s nothing wrong with mutually beneficial online sex as long as you’re both comfortable with it. And in some ways if that’s working for both of you, we wonder if you should even try to rock the boat? Fantasy and reality don’t always mix, and when you introduce reality into a fantasy world of your own creation you need to be prepared for almost anything, or nothing.

The reason he’s hesitating is that he’s not sure he wants to delve into the real world with you. Maybe he values what he’s getting from you now and doesn’t want that to change. But we can totally understand why you’d want to make the attempt to transition this relationship to the real world. It’s a natural progression really, and frankly, fantasy can only go so far.

So let’s try to stay positive. Let’s say he’s open to the idea. What needs to happen is the two of you almost have to start over. Because there’s no way you’re going to just transition from fantasy to reality like it was some natural progression. It’s not. That’s not to say it can’t work, but even just from a tactile perspective it’s going to be quite a change. Both of you in the same physical location may even feel a bit surreal. So we suggest taking it slow. Very slow. You may think to yourself that that is impossible considering your history, but we think that’s the way to go.

Start with. Coffee. Tea. Conversation. Lunch. Walks holding hands. A museum. A concert. Possibly a movie. Work your way up to dinner. And go from there. We know this approach may not work, but jumping from the “cyber sack” to the real sack is going to be a bigger leap than you think. The sex may be great, but once you start factoring in real emotions, expectations, real world schedules, things may get confusing and complicated. And if you’re both not committed to sorting through the confusion it’s going to feel like—pardon the computer analogy—a virus hit your emotional wiring.

What do you think? We’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment below or ask a follow up question.

And definitely keep us posted. We’re interested to hear how this turns out.

See below for other posts/video/info on online dating.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

Other questions about online dating: 

Online dating; should I move forward? 

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more? 

Online dating; am I booty call or more? 

Divorced and online dating

Videos about online dating: 

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

I’m not comfortable with having sex

Dear Guys,

Ive been dating this guy for about a month and he has asked me to be his girlfriend a few times. The reason I have said no is because I’m not 100% sure if he is the one for me. I figure we just need to get to know each other more for me to decide if that is what I want.

But my question is, I know he is talking about sex later on, and I know for 100% that in the relationship at one point, he wants to do it. But the thing is, after my last boyfriend, sex is the last thing on my mind.And I really do not want to do it again for a while. But I’m scared if we do start going out and we don’t have sex, that he will get bored and cheat on me. Even though if he says it’s okay not to have sex, I’m still scared he will cheat on me. I haven’t told him how I feel yet because I don’t know what to do. Please help

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your question.

You have a legitimate concern, and believe us, you’re not alone in your concern about this issue. Yes, if you start going out he will want to have sex with you. That’s normal, typical, and something that people do when they’re in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean it’s a requirement. What is a requirement is you being comfortable and happy. You shouldn’t feel scared to tell a guy you’re not ready to have sex. And you should only do things that you feel totally comfortable with and sure about.

However, here is something to keep in mind. Right now you’re feeling nervous, scared, apprehensive about a relationship and sex. Those feelings are based on the last guy you went out with and whatever experiences you had with him, which obviously weren’t positive. But you might be surprised. If you decide you like this person enough to give a relationship a try you might find that your initial fears fade away. And that he’s a very different person than your last boyfriend.

The key here is talk to him about how you feel. The right guy won’t run away, or cheat on you, if and when you express your concerns. (As long as you also express how you feel about him and that you care about him, etc.) The right guy will want do everything in his power to make you feel comfortable and happy. And what may happen Ashley, is that once you realize this guy is different than your last, you might change your mind about the physical aspect of the relationship.

Since we don’t know this guy personally we can’t say what his intentions are so we’re not saying he’s the perfect guy. We don’t know really, and that’s for you to judge. (Best to trust your gut on that, and consult friends or others that know him. Watch our videos on those topics. Check these out: Listen to your friends or Getting Played/Trust your gut.) But, in order to have fulfilling relationships in your life you need to try and stay open and judge each person one at a time, otherwise your baggage is going to get in the way of you being happy.

Lastly, we just want to reiterate: You should never feel forced into doing something you don’t want to do. You opening up should be on your timeline only. Hopefully he’ll understand that if you choose to give this a try.

What do you think? Does this make sense to you? We’d love to hear your thoughts. (Leave it in the comments section below.) And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Strictly friends or more?

Dear Guys,

I am 54, and five years ago went on a blind date with a guy who is 64. We dated for eight months, without becoming romantically involved, as he said he did not want a serious relationship with anyone at the time. After eight months he realized I was in love with him, so he broke it off, and we remained friends. Since then he calls me every few weeks to see how I am, and we go out to dinner or cook for each other every couple of months.

I still love him, and we both casually date others. My question is, do you think this man really cares for me, and could his feelings deepen someday, or am I just a convenient social outlet? We used to go out with his friends, but after we broke up, it is just the two of us when we see each other. I have never met a man that I was so compatible with, or for whom I have had more respect.

Thanks for any insight into this long-term friendship…

Debra

Dear Debra,

Thanks for your question.

We wouldn’t say you’re just a convenient social outlet. It seems like this man really cares for you and values your friendship, which we think is nothing to scoff at. (Not that you’re doing that.)

However, if he had romantic intentions he would have made his move by now. Sure, feelings can deepen, but guys typically know right away whether or not they are interested in being more than friends with a woman. He’s had plenty of time, and you’ve given him plenty of opportunities, and told him how you feel, so we don’t see this blossoming into anything more.

That said, it sounds like you’ve met a good guy, and someone you enjoy spending time with. We’d say keep it going if it’s not too painful for you. Feel free to ask us a follow up question if you’d like. Leave your question or comment in the comments section below.

Enjoy and all the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My husband of seven years moved out

Readers: Here is a link to many other posts we’ve written about separation and divorce. Click Here  Just scroll down to read all posts. Thanks. 

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Dear Guys,

My husband of seven years moved out in April. I had gotten up to tend to our new daughter (we also have 6 yo twins) and noticed his cell was lit up. There were non-work related flirty texts from not one, but two married co-workers on the phone. When I asked him to explain he blew up and left saying he wanted space. He promises nothing is going on with either but has not apologized and removed my access to the phone bill.

I was shocked. He is a quiet, calm man and we have always been close. Or at least I thought. We have had our ups and downs but it’s all standard marriage gripes not anything dramatic. Now, he refuses to move back home, work on the marriage or even make a decision and it has now been five months. He comes and goes with visiting the kids but does nothing to help care for them or our home.

On Saturdays it’s as though he is gone for the weekend (stays the night, is affectionate, pays attention to the kids etc.) unless I bring up the separation. Then he says he doesn’t want to be married but has yet to file.

I love him and am trying with every ounce of strength in me to be patient, and to give him time and to keep hope alive that our marriage can survive. Am I being an idiot? Or can a 32  year old man have a mid-life type crisis? Very confused…

Kate

Dear Kate,

We’re sorry. We know this separation is difficult. And the future, uncertain and scary. Maybe we can shed some light on his feelings and intentions.

This could be a mid-life crisis. So what does that actually mean? Usually a mid-life crisis is when someone looks at their life and says, “Is this how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? Is it going to be the same old boring stuff, day in and day out?” When someone starts thinking along those lines a crisis sets in. They call it a mid-life crisis because it typically happens around mid-life, usually somewhere between 40-50. But it can happen earlier.

But just because he moved out, and you think he’s changed, doesn’t mean he’s having a mid-life crisis. It could be just that he’s questioning the relationship, and wondering if he still feels committed and in love. That’s not necessarily a mid-life crisis but it’s definitely a crisis for him, and for you. And of course, your kids.

It’s fine to be patient and give him time, but the two of you need to start working on these issues as soon as you can. The longer it goes, the more disconnected he’s going to become. Talking together with a couples counselor would be a good place to start. But you can only ask him to do that. Actually, you can urge him to do that. Hopefully he’ll oblige. But in the end you can’t force him to do anything. If he won’t work with you to resolve whatever issues need to be resolved, then you’ll have no choice but to pick up the pieces and move on.

Kate, remember, as sad as this might be—it’s too soon to tell yet—you still need to be strong for your kids. We encourage you to surround yourself with people who love you—close friends and family—to help you get through this difficult time. We hope that your husband will come to his senses and realize that he’s made a mistake, but if he doesn’t, we’re confident you’ll have the strength to put together a new life for you and your kids.

Take care of yourself, and feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. Leave a question, or a reply, in the comments section below.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

Have I finally screwed up so badly that there’s no hope?

Hi Guys!

My story is a little complicated to correctly put it under any single category.

I started dating my best-friend of six years when I turned 18. Things are generally pretty good, but due to my extensive traveling schedule for work, and the fact that he joined the military we don’t talk as much as I’d like. Or rather, I feel like I try to make time for him but he doesn’t make as much time for me. This has led to some trust issues in our relationship, although we’ve generally been able to work through everything when we see each other.

Fast forward four years and I had been having some difficult interactions with his best friend from home. To the point where I didn’t want to speak with this guy at all. Then I had to have ACL surgery and my boyfriend took two weeks to actually come see me. Whereas, his best friend broke up with his girlfriend and he immediately came to see him. I was so angry. I felt so betrayed. I said I didn’t want to be friends with his friend anymore. This caused some serious tension between my boyfriend and me, to the point where he wanted some space.

We tried to resolve our issues but then he deleted me off Facebook, which I assumed was his way of breaking up with me. When his friend heard about this he tried to patch things up with me. So we agreed to be civil and I let my boyfriend know this. But still I didn’t get much of a response from my boyfriend.

I know he’s been overwhelmed about this whole thing. I know after all that, plus anything else he might be going through with school and work must be really stressing him out. I want to give him some space to try to clear his head because he’s never been so frustrated before, and perhaps meet up when I’m in town again. However, when I asked about the latter, he replied, “Maybe.” It hurt me, because he asked the same question to me and I quickly agreed, thinking there was hope for us. There are just so many things I’m confused about, and I know it’s asking a lot, but I would really like to know…

Was I wrong for standing up for myself?

Am I wrong for finally agreeing to what my guy wanted and making amends with his friend?

Is it too late?

And since we are no longer “friends” on Facebook and he hasn’t texted me back recently, are we officially over? Or is he waiting for me to make the first move again?

These are the main questions on my mind. I would hate to lose him over something like this. Especially being so close to our four year anniversary, and having had plans to someday live together and get married. But most importantly because I’d be losing more than a boyfriend. I’d be losing a very good and close friend. I’m sure this is a lot to take in, and although I’ve asked a few of guy friends and have even had my father’s opinion, I’d really appreciate a Guy’s point of view.

Thank you very much!

Stefany

Dear Stefany,

Thanks for your question. To be clear, this isn’t about you screwing up, this is about a general eroding of a relationship.

Your guy is using your conflict with his friend as an excuse to take a break. Obviously something about your relationship is bothering him. Something other than the purported issue. No guy is going to break up with a woman they love because that woman is having issues with their best friend. Instead they might try and figure out a way to resolve the issue. If push came to shove, it’s likely they’d choose their woman over their friend, although not without feeling a bit resentful, especially if they thought their girlfriend was being petty.

As for you, your feelings toward his friend are misplaced. His friend isn’t the issue, it’s what his friend represents, or rather the fact that he reminds you that your boyfriend placed a higher importance on his issues rather than yours. And we understand why that hurts you, and feels like a betrayal in some ways; but it’s misplaced. (It’s good you worked through the issue) Once again, it shows a larger lack of trust between the two of you. Not a lack of trust like ‘We’re both worried the other person is cheating’ but more not trusting that you have each other’s back, and that you’re there for each other.

Give your boyfriend some space and see if he’ll contact you. When he does the two of you need to have a serious sit-down. Something is going on that you need to get to the bottom of. It’s hard to say what it is. Has he fallen out of love? Is your constant fighting too much for him? Or is he overwhelmed by everything that’s going on in his life and just needs some time to put things in order? Or is it something else that he’s not telling you? Whatever it is, it’s there, and without having an honest and open discussion, you’re not really going to know what’s going on.

Keep in mind. This discussion is not just about finding out where he’s coming from, it’s also about you explaining all the emotions you’ve been feeling over the years—and having him listen—and maybe explaining to him the real reason the conflict occurred between his friend and you. Your feelings are just as valid as his, and he should want to understand why you’re feeling the way you do.

We can’t guarantee that having a talk will somehow fix everything Stefany. It’s possible he’s already decided to move on and is afraid to actually say it to you. If that’s the case, he’ll make excuses about why he doesn’t want to talk. But you at least need to reach out to him and try. That’s all you can do. Don’t give this up until you’ve explored and discussed all the avenues. Hopefully he’ll be open to doing that.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

My boyfriend wants to watch porn together

This post is brought to you by Adam & Eve…..America’s most trusted source for adult products.

Check them out at:  http://www.adameve.com

________________________________________

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend wants to watch porn together. We have before but I get too shy and self-concious because it seems like he’s more focused on the T.V. than he is to me.

Why is that?

B

Dear B,

Thanks for your question.

So what exactly are you worried about? Or bothered by? The fact that he’s interested in the action on the screen, or the fact that he seems to be more turned on by the actors, than you?

Let’s back up for a moment and talk about couples and sex in general. It’s inevitable that after two people have been together for a while the sex can get predictable. It’s easy to fall into a pattern, a routine, like ordering at a restaurant. Why try something new when you know the steak—for example—is going to taste great? Why risk spending the money on something you’re not sure about, when you know that juicy cut of meat that you always get is going to be mouth watering? After couples figure out how to please one another they often settle into this mindset: Do what works. This is great, but then things change. Here are four possible ways this plays out.

1. Couples get bored and they start having less and less sex, until it becomes stagnant and robotic.

2. One person strays, and starts having an affair.

3. The couple invites a third party into the mix.

4. One person, or both, starts getting creative and introduces some new possibilities into the bedroom: different positions, different times of the day, maybe some toys, some adult videos, some new techniques, food, whatever.

Think of your situation as a healthy way to spice up your sex life. Yes, watching porn might be a little uncomfortable for you, and he might be a bit too focused on the screen, but at least it’s you he’s getting worked up with, not someone else. And frankly, it’s only natural for him to be turned on by what he’s seeing. Guys are very visual. And guys like diversity. His focus on the T.V. is more about seeing a new body in action, rather than something you lack. And if in the end, the two of you have great sex, well, then maybe it’s all good.

But let’s also be clear about something. You need to be comfortable in order for it to be enjoyable. And you should never be forced into anything that makes you uneasy. The best way to figure out the right balance here is to talk to him. Tell him you’re open to exploring this with him, but also tell him how you’re feeling. If he really cares about you, he’ll try his best to modify his behavior a bit to make the experience enjoyable for you too. (That’s what a loving and responsible partner does.) You also should mention some of the things that you’d like to try in the bedroom—if you have some thoughts, fantasies—and hopefully he’ll be open to doing that. Relationships are about give and take. Both people should be committed to doing whatever they can to make their partner happy—and themselves. (But never at their own expense of course.)

One final note. Your boyfriend is lucky to have a girlfriend who’s open minded and willing to try new things. Remind him of that, and you can tell him we said that if you’d like. Not all women—and not all men—are that open. Good for you, and good for him.

Let us know if you have any follow up questions. And leave us a comment in the comments section.

Take care and enjoy!

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

Husband wants to be free for three years but doesn’t want me to leave

Dear Guys,

We’ve been married for twelve years and have one child and one on the way.

My husband has been having an ongoing affair for two years. When I found out about it he told me he just wants to be free for three years, and then he will come back to me and our children. He says he would rather kill me than divorce me.

He is now living with the woman and he won’t talk to me or our child. He said that he got married too young (21) and he wants to live his life and he says I just better wait the three years on him. WTF? Please help me understand this!

C

Dear C, 

Thanks for your question. We can help you understand the guy’s perspective here, but some of what you mention is beyond our scope of assistance. And we encourage you to seek some professional support, especially if you’re feeling at all uncomfortable or scared with some of the things he’s said to you. (A counselor or therapist are examples. They will be able to point you to the correct services if necessary.)

At least he’s being honest with you by saying he got married too young. Twenty-one is young for a guy to get married and then have kids. (It is for a woman too. At least these days.) He’s probably feeling he didn’t get to experience–sleep with— enough women before he started dating you, and now he wants to experience that, but still not lose you. In essence, have his cake and eat it too.

To be fair, he’s not alone in this feeling. Many guys would love to continue sleeping with as many women as they could, even when they love their wives and kids. But the thing is, once you make a commitment to someone, you can’t then have both. Some people do anyway, and that’s called cheating, but that kind of betrayal does not belong in a loving, committed relationship.

We’re not going to tell you what to do, but you really need to figure this out. He’s controlling you with his words, and possible veiled threats. If you can’t work this out yourself, we urge you to seek some professional help with this. There are services to support women in your situation.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

THE GUYS

 

I am asking for a divorce but still feel sad and confused

Hi Guys,

I will try and keep this short and sweet but feel I need to give you the whole picture so you understand how I ended up where I did.

I met my husband at a party in August 2003 but we didn’t actually start dating until February 2004. We were engaged in November 2006 and married in September 2007. I was 32 and he was 33 when we married.

Let me start by first saying I was married one time previously to a pilot for only three months. We were together for two years before we got married and almost called the wedding off two times. I knew I shouldn’t have married him but we had everything planned and all his relatives were coming to Michigan from Portland. The same night of our wedding I knew I made a huge mistake. We filed for divorce in July 2003.

So my husband now and I had our first date in February 2004 and then kept dating ever since. I remember enjoying his company but I do not ever remember feeling completely gaga and soooo in love but I found him attractive, he had a great job, was “normal”, never been married, no kids and was an all around great guy. He really is a good man in so many ways and I always thought he would be a wonderful father.

Some of the challenges we encountered after we got married follow:

1) We started trying to get pregnant in June 2007 (I was 36 and he was 37) We tried for two years solid to get pregnant and it never happened. In 2008 we tried some fertility measures like Clomid but we were unsuccessful.
2) My husband lost his job of ten years in January 2009 that he loved due to downsizing. It devastated him. I always asked if he was okay and he said he was fine, just angry. He found out he was losing his job on a Friday and that following week was our fist appointment to meet with our fertility specialist to start the “big” process of invitro fertilization. He received a severance package of $40,000 but we both decided we needed to cancel our appointment not knowing how long it would take him to find another job. (The economy was horrible). I made $55,000 and he made $170,000. We lived in a $300,000 home, both had new cars and $40,000 wouldn’t last long if he had trouble finding a job.

We started growing apart, not sharing anything or enjoying activities together. I felt like I tried numerous times to feel him emotionally (something we always kind of struggled with) but I always felt so alone in our relationship. We never had a great sex life but it wasn’t horrible. It was just “awkward” and is the only way I can explain it. I also felt that the sports and how the house and yard looked was more important than us spending quality time together. I fel like I was always sitting in the background trying to grab his attention

Anyway, I was at a friend’s happy hour in June 2009 because she was leaving her old job and starting a new one, when everything in my life seemed to change. A guy that my friend worked with was at the happy hour. (She didn’t know him well but he knew some of the other girls there.) We started talking that evening and really hit it off. He was full of energy and was always smiling. He took my friend to another bar we were going to because she couldn’t drive and that is how he got my number because he was following me and had it in case we lost them on the way.

It all started with a random text weeks later out of the blue; it is now August 2009. Next thing you know we were texting all the time and I was laughing and smiling all the time. He filled my days and the texting continued for months. Next thing you know we felt like friends and started meeting for lunch a few times and quickly it went on from there.

My husband suspected something but never approached me until April 2010. I tried a few times to cut the ties with the other guy and did for a few months but really missed him. I thought about him constantly and loved how he made me feel. I would stay away for about 3 months and then a text would come up. He was married and had two children. He got married very young (20) and was married for 24 years and both children are now 23 and 18. He is just now 43 and I am 40.

My husband and I separated for about a month in October of 2010 and then I went back and then we separated again in February of 2011 and have been apart since. I have been in a relationship with the other guy ever since. If I had met this guy before my husband I have no doubt we would be together. He is getting a divorce and it is almost final and I have been putting things off which isn’t fair to all three of us.

I told my husband last night we need to move forward with the divorce but I feel so sad and sometimes still wonder if I am making a mistake. I love the other guy and we are at the finish line of being together yet I second guess myself.

I have never cheated on anyone before not even in my teens and 20′s and always prided myself of that. Then when I should really know better I begin an emotional affair that eventually let to a physical affair. I tried a few times to end it with this person but always felt like I was losing a best friend and then immediately started feeling lonely again. I hated myself for what I have done but yet felt like I couldn’t let the other guy go.

My husband feels like he never really had a second chance and that 3 months was not enough. He would still take me back now if I went back. He said he knew we had problems but didn’t think they were that bad. He said this all wouldn’t have been such a kick to the gut if we had separated and then if I met someone else (other than the guy that started all of this) and felt another person was a better fit but because it is the guy that caused our marriage to crumble it is hard for him to take. He obviously is upset because I gave up him to be with the other guy instead of giving up the other guy to work on our marriage.

I am not a heartless cold “b”, in fact, I am quite the opposite. I tried the best I could to not crush his world but of course I did. I am disappointed in myself for what I did, and I have a hard time forgiving myself for it even when he said he forgave me for the affair a long time ago he just wanted another shot.

It wasn’t like we fought or had major problems other than I felt like I didn’t connect with him or didn’t feel emotionally close to him. I wasn’t even thinking of divorce before I met the other guy. I knew we had things to work on but I too didn’t think our marriage was horrible by any stretch. I know I am rambling now. I guess I feel like I am this horrible person and like I am the only person in the world that failed a marriage. I HATE the hurt I am causing my husband but only wanted to go back for the right reasons and not because I felt guilty. However, I can’t seem to fully let him go and I cannot keep one foot in each relationship.

He said he is going to miss me, my family and friends. That when he married me he meant forever but obviously that isn’t going to be the case. He has been more than a gentleman considering everything I have done. I don’t know that I would have held on like he has if the situation would have been reversed.

You would think I would feel better finally making a decision after almost three years of this. The other guy is about done with me but he loves me so much he has been putting up with my dragging of the feet. I never thought in a million years I would have had an affair and anyone who knows me would have never believed it.

Should I be excited about finally moving forward? How come I feel scared? Am I making a huge mistake even though I know the guy I am with now makes me laugh all the time and he absolutely adores me. This guy is willing to have a kid with me when he has two adult children which floored me. I never “felt” that my husband loved me as much as this guy does. Maybe he did and just didn’t know how to show it. I am so confused. How do I know it is right to divorce? Why can’t I move on fully with the guy who stole my heart?

Sorry again for the rambling. I am sure this doesn’t make a ton of sense but if you still have questions for me I will gladly answer them if you can help me from either making the right or worst decision of my life. (Sorry for the poor grammer as well. I am tired of typing.)

Any thoughts or opinions are appreciated.

Scared and Confused

Dear Scared and Confused,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry this is such a tumultuous time in your life. Only you will know what’s right to do, but we’ll give you our thoughts and opinions on your situation.

Let’s start with your husband. There’s no doubt in our mind that he loves you dearly. And the fact that he’d still be willing to take you back, even after all that’s happened, is a testament to his strength, and willingness to forgive. Maybe he doesn’t know how to show you his love as much as this new guy—and maybe that’s what you need; someone who can show you—but he definitely loves you.

However, this doesn’t mean you should stay with him. Love is a two-way street. We’re not sure your reasons for getting married, but it sounds like you felt it was time, and so you married a good, solid guy. Maybe your weren’t sure how strongly you felt for your husband—was it true love?; you weren’t sure–but after some of the struggles the two of you had—conceiving and then financial—you started feeling less and less connected to him, and some of your doubts became amplified.

But let’s be clear. What you’re feeling right now—the sadness and doubt–is because you understand that a new person isn’t necessarily going to solve every problem. It might feel ‘perfect’ now, but inevitably all couples have issues. (Understand that it’s not guaranteed that the two of you will have an easy time conceiving, or that he’ll still be willing when the times comes. Just throwing that out there.) You also have a long history with your husband, and that’s tough to move on from. (For anyone.)

Now to your affair.

Yes, you betrayed a person you love. There’s no other way to say it. However, it’s you that needs to try and work past it. Your husband will heal—although it might take time—but what about you? At some point, in order for you to be happy moving forward, you’re going to have to forgive yourself.

Our suggestion:

The thing you need to do is separate the two situations, or the two men. Ask yourself the simple question: If there wasn’t another man in your life, would you still want to leave your husband? Because one situation is muddying the other. Sure, the new man possibly gave you the strength to finally move forward with your life and get divorced, but would you have ultimately done that anyway?

What we’re saying is, this new guy shouldn’t be the reason you’re leaving your husband. Maybe he’s showed you that the love you always hoped for is out there, but you still need to make one decision first, then make the next decision.

We hope this helps. Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Good luck and hang in there,

THE GUYS

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My guy friend; is he playing me?

Hey Guys,

So I’ve been friends with this guy – Steven – for two and a half years. I’m 22 and he’s 23, and we met while at college, studying the same course. I feel like there’s so much to tell you about him, but I’ll try and condense it.

We’ve always had a very strange friendship; I don’t think he’s been friends with many females before me, and I had a lot of trouble getting him to open up. But basically, after about a year, I started to like him, and unfortunately (due to me foolishly confiding in friends) he ended up finding out. I admitted it to him, and in a bit of an awkward conversation, he told me he didn’t feel that way about me, spurted out all this talk about how I was “perfect marriage material” and that he didn’t want me to have to deal with his past. I’m not stupid, I realize it’s all talk so he doesn’t hurt me by bluntly saying, “No I’m not interested.” So I said that was fine, that we can still stay friends, and it was done.

I guess my main question here is that I’m feeling like I’m being played/manipulated by him. Although I’ve moved on to an extent (I think my feelings may always be there a little, but I’ve realized he’s not the right guy for me and I wouldn’t date him now.) I feel like he still clings to the confidence that he gains from knowing that I once liked him. He often tells me about girls in his life, and he’ll be quick to offer me to ‘hook up’ with one of his friends, which I always decline because I hate blind dates.

One time, a mutual friend of ours wanted to ask me out, and he confided in Steven, who told him NOT to ask me out. Why? I only found this out because of a friend who was eavesdropping; I’ve never asked Steven about it. Yet he maintains, according to other friends, that I’m just a friend to him and that’s it.

Also when we’re out in town dancing, the next day he’ll tell me about ‘all these guys that were eying you off,’ yet at the time this was happening, he doesn’t tell me. If it’s other friends, they’ll tell me right then and there. He doesn’t. Why tell me the next day? What’s he getting at?

Recently, I’ve tried setting him up with a girl, but he’s really hesistant. He is keeping in touch with her (just platonically) for the moment, and I often help him with advice. The funny thing is, recently I asked him for advice about this other guy that’s been on my mind, and he completely avoided the conversation the whole night. He knew I wanted to talk to him about it, but he he didn’t give me an open slot to bring it up.

I’m always happy to talk to him about girls, so what’s his problem?

Also, after years of being friends, Steven has never introduced me to his family. If he invites me over, it’s when no one is home. He always says he will, but then doesn’t. He opens up with me about things he hasn’t even told his mum. He’s quick to tell me HOW much I mean to him, but rarely shows it. When we’ve had arguments; he’s told me that he’d never let the friendship go, that he’d come banging on my door if I ever tried to end the friendship. That he’d always fight for me.

Another weird thing – he takes, generally, about 24 hrs to reply to a msg I send him. Not even kidding. What’s he doing for 24 hrs that it takes him that long to reply? Is this some sort of game he’s playing? Then if i take an hour to reply back, he won’t answer me till the next afternoon?

I just feel like he can be so genuine and sincere, and I find myself being drawn to him, before he’ll ruin it all by acting withdrawn or condescending the next time I see him, making me feel foolish for falling for it and opening myself up to him.

We’re purely physical by the way. I just want to know if he’s emotionally manipulating me like I think he is, and what you think I should do about it? What does he want from me?

I’m usually good at reading guys, I give all my friends advice, but this guy has got my mind reeling. I’m sick of his games.

Should I just end the friendship?

Any help would be great, I’m desperate for some good advice.

Thanks in advance guys, I’ll be sure to give you a donation.

Sophie

Dear Sophie,

Thanks for your question. We thought we understood your question until you said, ‘we’re purely physical.’ Wait, does this mean you’re sleeping with this guy? Because if so, his actions make much more sense. Please explain. For the purpose of this post we’re going to assume you are sleeping with him.

First of all, a FWB arrangement is not what you want here. And if that’s what’s going on you need to end that quickly. He might not be interested in a committed long-term relationship with you but he’s being territorial about you when it comes to other guys. He’s got a good thing going—a great friend and issue-free sex—so he doesn’t want some other guy moving in on his ‘good thing.’ So yes, he is manipulating the situation in that regard.

Sophie, ask yourself what you’re getting from this friendship. Are you secretly hoping he’ll come around? (Even though you say you’re not.) Be honest with yourself. If the answer is no, then stop the FWB and just be friends with the guy. If the answer is yes, then stop the FWB relationship and stop spending so much time with him. This friendship is actually impeding your ability to date other guys, because it’s keeping you emotionally hostage. Well, it’s more that you’re doing it to yourself by relying on him for so much.

Our suggestion: Dial this friendship back. Set up some clear boundaries. Lower your expectations to normal levels, to friendship levels. And start going out with other people away from this circle of friends. Overall, we think it’s time to move on from this situation as hard as that may be. This friendship is not good for you if you really want to meet some great guy and have a committed relationship.

As per his slow response time. In a word, inconsiderate. (A red-flag actually.) Is that the kind of person you want to have a relationship with? He might be fun to hang out with, but he seems to be getting more from the relationship than you.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

Are her kids my responsibility?

Hey Guys,

I need to know how to address this issue with my girlfriend. We have lived together for about months. She has three young children ages 9, 5, and 2 by three different fathers. I have two grown children that live on there own, one 16 year old daughter that lives with us, and a twelve year old son that lives with his mother, and comes to stay with us one to two weekends a month.

My problem is my girlfriend recently lost her job, but was given a decent severance package. She took a month off, which I encouraged her to do. She got another job which was lower paying and more physically demanding. Two weeks after she began they started making her work second shift (3-11). I work 8-5 so all of a sudden I am now responsible for picking her children up from daycare five days a week, feeding them and changing diapers after I’ve worked a 9 hour day in the heat. What really upsets me is that because she gets subsidized daycare, she gets up first thing in the morning, drops them off and is free until it’s time for her to go to work. On top of that, on the one day we’re off together she complains about how tired she is and expects me or my daughter to change her son’s diapers while she “rests.”

She has told me that she knows this situation is stressing me out, but doesn’t seem like she trying to find a solution. I’m really beginning to think that this is really ideal for her as she has been able to unload her responsibilities as a single parent onto me. I really feel that she made the decision to have these children and shouldn’t be trying to hang the responsibility of taking care of them around my neck.  She has also told me about how she couldn’t stand or broke up with previous boyfriends because they either wouldn’t adopt her children or maintain father figure relationships with them after they broke up. Although I do love this women,  I do believe she feels that every man she dates is supposed to be her kids new daddy..  HELP….

Mike

Dear Mike,

Thanks for your question.

While we understand that being a single parent is a very difficult job on many levels, your girlfriend is still ultimately responsible for her kids since she brought them into the world.

What’s interesting is that many single mothers are a bit apprehensive about involving new “friends” in their kids’ lives for fear of making things more confusing and complicated for them. This is why we’re surprised at your girlfriend’s willingness—her eagerness almost—to hand over day care responsibilities to you. This should give you a good indication of where here head’s at and what she’s looking for from a man.

But before we get to your question we just want to say, Mike, you seem like a good guy, and a rare man who’s willing to try and help the woman he loves with her children—children that aren’t his. Good for you. We mean that sincerely. We wish more guys would step up to the plate like you’re doing—with their own kids! We hope your girlfriend knows how lucky she is to have found a good man, considering that she brings a slightly more complex situation to the table than your average gal.

But we agree, this is going too far. She’s taking advantage of you and your daughter. She absolutely shouldn’t be expecting you to do anything for her kids. Sure, she might welcome your help, but we’d think she’d feel a bit guilty, and maybe even embarrassed by the fact that you and your daughter are taking care of her babies for her. The fact that she doesn’t is a red-flag honestly.

So what should you do?

First step: She needs to know that this arrangement is unacceptable. You need to have a sit down with her that and explain to her that you also have a job and your own kids to take care of. (She should already know this, but sometimes it needs to be said.) And also, that your daughter has her own life and shouldn’t be asked to pick up the slack. She might play the victim, or go on the attack, so before you get into anything make sure you reassure her that you care about her and want things to work out. (If you still do of course.)

One possible solution: Could she pay your daughter a small amount to do some daycare for her? (Just a thought.)

Second step: If you can’t work out something by giving her your point of view, then you need to do some serious thinking about this relationship. (We can see you already are.) Clearly you love her and want this to work out, but how will this play out in the future? Presumably she has some great qualities, otherwise you wouldn’t have fallen for her, but good qualities tend to fade when adverse conditions continue over long periods of time. And this relationship is headed this way. Hopefully she’ll come to her senses and see that this situation is putting a serious strain on the relationship, before this reaches the breaking point.

Remember Mike, relationships are a two way street. Both of you need to be giving AND receiving. The two of you need to work together so you both are fulfilled and happy. Yes, relationships also require work and compromise, but just be careful not to settle for a relationship where you’re doing most of the giving. (Good guys tend to fall into those situations more easily.)

Hope this helps a little. Feel free to ask us any follow up questions, or run another situation by us. Please keep us posted on how this progresses.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Boyfriend’s going away to college; can it work?

Hey Guys,

I have known my boyfriend for a couple years now but I did not really get to know him until a couple months ago. We’ve been dating for a little over a month now and I really like him. We spend everyday together and are both really happy together. A month is not a long time but I’ve never had so many feelings for someone in such a short time. This summer, we plan to make the most of it. He is leaving to college which is a couple hours away while I’m back home finishing high school. When I brought up the situation of dating long distance he would usually say “I don’t like thinking about it, let’s just enjoy this summer..” But finally we talked about it and he said he wanted to do long distance.

Would it be worth it? I like him so much, and I would just hate to lose him. I know because of his financial situation I would only see him every couple of months.. Which, I know, would be hard for both of us. Both our families are involved in the relationship. How could I make it work? Should I even give it a shot? I don’t want to waste my time and be vulnerable.

Alana

Dear Alana,

Thanks for your question.

It can work if you’re both very committed to making it work. Since you’ve written to us we know you’ll be able to keep up your end of the relationship, but it will be harder for him. Not because he’s a guy, but because he’s entering a new chapter in his life and with that comes new ideas, new people, new situations, new places, new everything. To be in a relationship with you will definitely impact his experience, and a lot of people like to be completely free of all ties when they enter college, or any new experience for that matter.

However, he’s not saying that, and frankly, finding someone special doesn’t happen every day. Obviously he realizes this or he wouldn’t have said he wants to try doing a long distance relationship. This can work, but it won’t be easy for either of you. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth giving it a try. If you don’t give it a shot, you’re going to regret it even if you end up getting hurt, which is hard to predict.

The key is solid and regular communication. Now once again, this will be easier for you because your schedule will be set, and you’ll be doing what you’ve been doing for the last three years: going to high school. But his schedule will be all over the place. Right now he has no idea what to expect, so we imagine it will be harder for him at first. The two of you just need to keep working our your plan.

Questions to talk about:

How often will we talk? What time of day? Via phone? Skype? Text? Email?

Then of course you need to make sure you see each other as much as possible, which like you said won’t be very often. But let’s be clear, it’s worth the money, because the two of you will need regular reminders of why you’re putting in the work. You need to be with each other from time to time to connect on a physical level. (We don’t necessarily mean sex.) Just being with the other person is important.

Once again the key to making this work is communication. Everything should be discussed, and then revised, and then discussed again. You can make this work if both of you are on the same page, and choose to be in the relationship every day. But there are no guarantees; but then again there are no guarantees with any relationship. To be in a loving relationship is to be vulnerable.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Other questions about long distance relationships:

International Long Distance; is it possible?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

My boyfriend is on a swingers site

Hi Guys,
I’ve read a few things before about women “accidentally” finding out about their man on dating sites, but mine really was (or so I think!) accidental.

I’ve known my man for about fifteen months. We saw each other a few times from the middle of last year but nothing much. This year however we’ve really hit it off and things are going from good to great. Or so I thought… We both have trust issues. We are both over 40.

We have become friends first and now we are lovers and we are so comfortable with each other it just seems so very right.  Then last weekend I was at his place and we were chatting and he called me over to the computer to show me a picture he was downloading. Now given the version of windows he has, the last few downloads he had done were in a little list and I noticed that two of them were from a swinging site. I didn’t say anything at the time because I thought well hey, we’ve only really been seeing each other properly for six months and it’s probably just a self-esteem thing or a porn thing. Anyway I did log on to the site and found him within a nanosecond. He uses his own name, his own age and a picture. When I left him he logged on within 2 hours.  When he got back from a trip — a trip he had been messaging me non-stop, he logged on within the hour. I left him earlier, he logged on.

His profile isn’t verified so he hasn’t met anyone or anything, but he says he’s into all sorts of things and is kinky and looking for girls. I don’t know what to think. If I try to initiate any dirty talk with him he hates it. Our sex life has really just taken off and is fantastic, so why? He told me the other day he feels old and unsexy and I did the best I could to reassure him. Today he told me he was damaged goods. I had no problem in trusting him before but maybe not now.

He treats me in every way as though he loves me and he says he adores me but if that is the case… why?

Thanks guys for any help you can give.

Keira

Dear Keira,

Thanks for your question.

There are four possible reasons to explain why he’s on swinging sites.

1. He’s into that sort of thing and is embarrassed to tell you for fear that you might break up with him. (Remember, “swingers” often are happily married people who want more sexual partners, for themselves, or to share with their spouse. This only works if the spouse and/or partner is a willing participant. And since most people aren’t willing to share their partner, he probably assumes you’re one of those people, so he’s keeping it a secret.)

2. He’s still searching for what else is out there. (In this case, he may be happy with your relationship but he’s not completely content.)

3. He’s telling the truth. (He feels like he’s getting old, and this is his way of getting some positive strokes. But he doesn’t plan on doing anything about it.)

4. He’s worried that you might leave him since he’s damaged goods. (This is his backup plan, albeit not a very sounds one.)

So what do you think? It’s hard to say based on what little we know, and the fact that we don’t know him personally. Or you.

So you have two options. Hint around it and see if he’ll spill the beans. Or tell him how you discovered his secret and get this all out in the open. There are no guarantees he’ll be receptive to the conversation, but we’d opt for the latter. Likely, he’ll be a bit embarrassed at first until you reassure him. (If that’s what you even want to do.)

But in the end, ask yourself if you can trust this guy. You don’t want to be in a situation where you’re constantly wondering if your partner is behaving or not. Relationships need to have a solid foundation of trust in order for them to thrive and grow.

Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Leave us a comment in the comments section below.

THE GUYS

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Soon to be husband cheated; what do I do?

Another question about dating a guy from a different country: 

International long distance relationship; is it possible? 

________________________________

Dear Guys,

I feel hopeless and ashamed to talk to my girlfriends so I need The Guys help…..

I have dated my current boyfriend for five years and eight months to be exact. I found out he cheated on me with over five prostitutes three years ago. He swore he wouldn’t do it again and since I was stupid and love him, I trusted him again. We’ve been doing a long distance relationship (because of work) since Aug 2009 (6 months after I found out he cheated) and we meet once a year for about three weeks usually.

I used to think we had a good long-distance relationship going even after he cheated because we talked on the phone a couple times a day. (Basically I know his routines and friends even though it’s long distance.)

I flew over and met him again last week, just to find out that he constantly has been visiting dating sites and still checking online postings for random sex. He said it was because he was lonely but he did not do anything. He says he was just curious to check out their pictures. He also has an interest in having intimacy with same sex. Sounds terrible heh…. but I can’t let go because I’ve been so emotionally attached to him. We plan to get married in August of next year and I plan on moving back to his country next January. I don’t know what to do… I feel hopeless. And maybe only you guys and God can help.

He said he would do anything to rebuild the trust (e.g. he would go to church with me, go to counseling, give me his bank account etc) But I feel that it’s really hard to trust him again. What should I do? If your advice is for me to leave him, please teach me how to let go……

Million thanks,
Kay

Dear Kay,

We’re really sorry you’re going through a difficult time. But please don’t feel ashamed. You’re not the first or the last to go through this kind of thing. Many people deal with trust issues in their relationships.

Long distance relationships are difficult and can put a strain on even the strongest of bonds. The fact that you only see each other three weeks out of the year, means there are more weeks than not, that the two of you are alone. We understand that he might have some physical needs, but if he truly was committed to you, he would figure out how to fulfill those needs without seeking out the company of other women, especially prostitutes. (That could be a health risk to you as well.)

Let’s take it a step further. What happens when the two of you get married, and let’s say you have a baby together? All of a sudden you’re busy, tired, and he’s not getting what he needs as often. Is he going to start hooking up with other women then? It’s a red-flag that when the going is tough he resorts to this kind of behavior. Because as you know, relationships have a lot of “ups” but they also have a lot of “downs.”

It’s clear that you love this man, but do you think you could trust him if the two of you got married? Because you’re going to be even more miserable if you get married and then realize you still can’t trust him. You don’t want to live your life constantly worried that your spouse is cheating on you, or that he might cheat on you.

So we advise you to think long and hard before you decide to get married to this man. We can’t and won’t tell you what you should do—only you can figure that out. But there are some important issues to figure out here. Think about what you want, and what you can handle, and then go from there.

So what do you think? Leave us a comment, and feel free to ask us a follow up question.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (Use PayPal button on any page of our site) Thanks!

 

Meeting new people; why don’t guys ask me out?

Dear Guys,

When I know for a fact particular guys are interested in me, why are they so afraid to “break the ice” and talk to me? Is it the places I go? Gym, college, shopping mall, park. Are guys uncomfortable starting a conversation with a random person? Are they intimidated, have a significant other, or what could it be? As I mentioned they do seem interested. And I will also mention that I have approached a guy initially and it turned out he had a serious girlfriend. (He did tell me he found me attractive, but I still felt turned down and let down. I guess.)

So basically what should someone with my dilemma do?

Sabrina

Dear Sabrina,

Thanks for your question.

Well, meeting someone in a random place is always a crapshoot. A guy would have to have a whole lot of confidence to just randomly approach you at the mall, or even at the gym. And confidence aside, many guys just don’t operate this way. It’s too unpredictable. They have no idea who you are. (Although, meeting someone at college is a better possibility because you have common interests and goals.)

The other thought that comes to mind is, are you reading the cues correctly? Just because a guy smiles at you doesn’t mean he’s ready to ask you out. It could very well mean he finds you attractive, but it tells you nothing about his status—single or not. With this in mind you shouldn’t feel rejected from your encounter with the one guy. He was probably being honest with you. He found you attractive but he’s attached.

The thing is Sabrina, approaching guys at random places has a hint of desperation to it. (We’re not saying you are, but you might be perceived this way.) So we recommend you let the guys approach you. Then you’ll know for sure what their intentions are.

We also think you should try to meet guys more organically. (A guy in one of your classes. Maybe someone at the gym. Or at a college party. Maybe a friend of a friend.) Try to let things happen naturally. Don’t stress out about it. The more you focus on the things you love, the more likely you’ll meet people with similar interests, and then hopefully a spark will happen.

Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And keep in touch and let us know how things are going. You also might be interested in our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.”

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. Use PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site.

Also check out:  Why is he not asking me out?  (There are a lot of comments/questions as well.)

 

Friends with Benefits; Is there a chance he could fall for me?

Hi Guys,

What do you think are the chances of a FWB falling for you? I’ve had a FWB relationship for five years. We talk all the time, argue most of the time, have incredible orgasmic sex, have stood by each other through good and bad times. But we just can’t talk about our feelings. So crazy and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’m not the the kind to pour my heart out to get turned down. After five years if he wanted something more he would have asked hey?

He has said things like we should get married and live in a caravan and have 100 children. Weird and no thanks. But why joke like that? And he has said we argue like a married couple. He has said he loves me and then moments later I’m back to being his best friend ever.

I don’t get it. I can understand that he is not in a position to provide for my child (7) and me. But I’m not asking for that.

I’m 29 and he is 33 by the way. And I have had a relationship during this time and he has slept with other girls. We just always go back to each other.

So any ideas which direction I should take? I don’t want to waste time. But don’t want to lose one of the best things that has crossed my path.

Cassidy

Dear Cassidy,

Thanks for your question. Please watch our video on this topic. “Friends with Benefits”  This will answer most of your general questions about a “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) arrangement.

As far as your specific question, it does seem like if he wanted to take this relationship to the next level he would already have tried, or at least the two of you would be discussing it. But having a five year FWB arrangement has given him no reason to do much else. He’s getting regular good sex with someone he cares about a lot; he has no other responsibilities, no other demands on his time; he’s pretty much free to do whatever he wants and he knows you’ll still be there. We don’t see the incentive for him to do much else, at least from his perspective. Do you? (Note: We do think that having a committed relationship is enough incentive for many guys.)

Your daughter may be complicating matters a bit, but it’s not like he’s unaware of her. We know you said you’re not the kind of girl who pours their heart out to a guy, but we do think you need to talk to him about how you feel. You say you don’t want to lose one of the best things that has crossed your path, but what do you really have now? You don’t really have a relationship, you don’t really have this guy? You have semi-regular fun together and that’s it. If you truly want more with this man, then talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel, and what you want, and ask him where his head’s at. If he says he’s unsure, or just doesn’t know, then it’s time to move on, because he’s had plenty of time to figure out what he wants. Believe us, he knows even if he doesn’t say it.

This may or may not turn out the way you hope, but at least you’ll have some answers and know you did everything in your power to make things work. And you’ll have no regrets, which is so important.

Good luck. We hope this works out for you. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question, or another question. Leave us a comment in the comments section below.

Also, you might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebeccas, a memoir.” Start from the beginning with the introduction and read Ch. 1  and Ch. 2. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

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Read other posts about Friends with Benefits. FWB

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

 

Is he a player? I want to be just friends

Dear Guys,

I was dating this guy for a little over a month and he was emotionally unavailable until I ended things. We enjoyed each other’s company, had great sex, but I couldn’t deal with his emotional baggage and he wasn’t about to start a relationship with me anyways.

About a month and a half later he gets a girlfriend and I don’t see him for a long time, you know, letting things cool off a bit as I was still very attracted to him.

Well the other day he texted me inviting me to a music festival for free. I declined. He asked if I was going to some event the next day, and I said no. Then later, he texts me to hang out and have drinks, to which I said sure.

So we hung out and had a really awesome time. It’s like we have been friends forever and I really enjoy his company and I don’t feel as attracted to him as I did in the past. The problem was he never mentioned his girlfriend. (I think he kept calling her a friend.) He bought me some drinks, and would at times touch me in flirty ways like he used to.

So I guess my question is, is he trying to make me an option? Cause I won’t yield. I really do only want a platonic relationship.

Marni

Dear Marni,

Thanks for your question.

He’s absolutely trying to make you an option. Because why in the world would he contact you out of the blue—even while he has a girlfriend—and then take you out to drinks? He’s definitely trying to worm his way back into your emotional and physical space.

And the fact that he’s not admitting he has a girlfriend—only calling her a friend—is a red flag. Things are probably not going well for them, so he’s checking out his prospects, you. As far as we’re concerned, he’s cheating on her. Maybe he hasn’t been physical with you or anyone else, but if he’s not happy in his current relationship he should break it off before he goes exploring other possibilities.

We’d be careful here. If you think you can be friends with him great, but he doesn’t seem like someone you could trust to be in a relationship with. We’d keep it platonic. One cautionary note: We can tell you that the more you hang out with him the more he’s going to try and have sex with you, and each time it will be harder for you to say no.

What are your thoughts on this? Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And feel free to ask us a follow up question. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy some of the great female guest writers, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” 

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Watch our video on: Getting Played

Dating two guys at once; I’m confused

Readers: Check out our “Relationship Memoirs”  page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s, “Rebecca, a memoir.” 

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Dear Guys,

I had never been confident with guys until about a couple of months ago when I got with three guys in one night. I then started to constantly get with guys in clubs.

I then met one guy who I got with and went a little further almost going “all the way” and then he started to text me a lot, and seemed really keen to meet up with me again. It got dragged out for personal reasons, but I finally met up with him and went on a “date.” It was a little awkward but we made conversation, kissed a bit, and there was a bit of holding hands and leg touching.

Once I was home he text to say thanks for a nice night and can’t wait to see you again. And I replied a similar message, then he didn’t text back at all. (Before he used to keep texting. Also I’d normally get a good morning text quite early and that hasn’t happened yet.)

Is this the start of him ignoring me?

After I was home, one of my friends (a guy) started to text me trying to get me to come out and see him. (He really likes me, and I used to like him a bit. Deep down I still have some feelings for him, he’s asked me to come over for sex, and I kinda want to but know I shouldn’t because I’ll end up hurting someone.

How do I politely postpone the invitation without giving the impression I don’t want to see him?

What should I do about the guy from the date? (I dont know how I feel about him, but he seems really nice and wanting to see me again?

Is it bad to want both? Or to want sex from one and to “date” the other?

I feel like a bit of a s*** but I’m so confused on what to do?

Help!

J

Dear J,

Thanks for your question.

There’s nothing wrong with being interested in two guys at once. You don’t say how old you are, but typically young people—even people in their 20s—take their time settling down. So it’s okay to date more the one person, get a taste of different personalities, and see what suits you the best. Of course, once you finally decide you like someone we recommend dating them exclusively. (As long as they feel the same way.)

However, we don’t recommend sleeping with a bunch of guys at the same time, or even more than one. Besides the obvious health risks, it’s not great for your own emotional well-being and self-respect. (Probably not great for the guys either unless they don’t care about anything but having sex with you. And in that case, that’s not going to make you feel great in the long run.)

J, you seem all over the place. Why don’t you just go with the flow? Date around. Enjoy yourself. Have fun. You’ll know when the time is right to date exclusively. You’ll feel it inside you because once you find that special someone you won’t even want to date anyone else. And when that happens you’ll know you’re ready to have an open, honest, and trusting relationship. Until then, have a good time. But be careful and safe out there.

Finally, please don’t mix alcohol into the mix. That’s going to blur your judgement even more.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

 

International Long Distance: Is it possible?

Hi Guys,

This past year I’ve met the most amazing guy.  I was 18 (now 19) and he is 25. We met at work where he was an exchange student from Brasil, along with about 26 other students. We started talking and we exchanged numbers just after two days. Before the week was up we had gone for a date and had a great time with other friends until 4 in the morning. We decided to start dating but with the understanding we would not be in a long distance relationship once he left to go home.

We spent a perfect month together. Whenever I wasn’t busy with my extra load of classes (8) and both my full time and the part time job, I would go see him very late in the night or very early in the morning. We slept together a few times but only into the second half of the time. I was acceptedby the other internationals and we were a big family. Then one by one they left. He left and I went with him the whole way to the airport. We said good bye knowing it could be years until we saw eachother again if that.

With the exception of the day he was traveling we have texted eachother every day for the past two months. There’s isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think of him. He fully supported me in my career choices only worrying about the amount of sleep and food I was getting. And he left early because he had a federal job waiting for him at home. I don’t want to affect his career because I want him to succeed and we have talked about me coming to visit, but because of his work he would only have a few days to spend with me. He said that in two winters he will have a whole month off and seemed excited about a visit. We have skyped three times since he left. The first time was within a week of getting home and I talked to his dad who said that I would always have a home there,which astounded me. I told him I would be honored. The second time was for an hour just because we both had time and the third time was the day after my birthday in which I met his mother and sister in addition to his father. They seemed friendly towards me but because of the language barrier not much was said. We all had a good time though and it was very exciting.

Now it seems like he is less about the cute relationship stuff and now we just talk about general stuff and how we are doing. After flirting just a bit with him the other night I asked if it was okay or if I was crossing a line. He said I just don’t want you getting confused that we are just friends. I was told that in Brazilian culture it is normal for children to stay home till early 30s then start on there own. Is he just distancing himself from me for protection or does he really mean he just wants to be friends?  Because I feel like I’m getting mixed signals and I am being very patient as much as I can.  And would a trip sooner (with in a year) be a good or bad idea?

Thanks in advance.

Maddie

Dear Maddie,

Thanks for your question.

Meeting someone the way you met this guy has an element of fantasy to it. It’s like meeting a mysterious guy while vacationing in the tropics. The two of you spend a romantic few weeks together, away from the daily grind, and it seems like absolute bliss. It is absolute bliss. But when you both return to your respective lives all of a sudden reality sets in. Now it’s back to jobs, grocery shopping, old friends, familiar routines, and those wonderful memories recede to that place in your brain where the exciting moments in your life reside.

We’re not saying what you experienced wasn’t real. It certainly was for both of you. But now what’s happened is that you are trying to keep the moment alive and he’s resisting. He may be very fond of you—obviously he is or his parents wouldn’t be so kind to you—but he’s probably weighing all the possibilities in his mind and he’s not sure how this is going to play out.

Likely Pros in his mind:

1. He thinks you’re interesting and great.

2. He’s attracted to you.

3. He has a connection to you.

Likely cons in his mind:

1. You live in different countries.

2. You’re from different cultures.

3. He wants to get his career off the ground.

4. You’re younger and he’s not sure how he feels about that.

5. Will his family accept you completely?

6. Where will you live?

7. What will you do in the meantime? How often will you see each other?

8. What about all the beautiful Brazilian women? Should he be dating them?

9. The list goes on.

Now, just because the “con” list is longer doesn’t mean the “pro” list can’t win out. There’s a lot to be said for a strong connection between two people. But he needs to see that for himself. And you can’t convince him of that. But what you can do is try to arrange a time to see him. Sooner rather than later. We’re not telling you what to do, but he does need reminding of the great connection the two of you have. Skype and texting aren’t going to do it. And in these situations someone has to take the initiative. If he’s not going to do it, then you might have to. You just need to ask yourself what you’re willing to do to make this happen? The thing is, there’s nothing worse than regret. And it seems that if you don’t see this through to the end you might have regrets. That’s not a good thing.

But this is something you should discuss with your family if you can or close friends. Some questions to talk over: Should you visit him? Or should he visit you? Where will you stay? Will it be safe to go there? Why are you going? And what does he really think?

You see, if you go there even after him telling you that you’re just friends, you have to understand that you might be disappointed. But still, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You’ve got a lot to think about. Good luck.

Let us know if we can help in any other way. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. And check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. Read some great guest women writers. Thanks!

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

 

Hooking up without being attached; would a guy do that if he wasn’t into me?

Dear Guys,

This guy and I have been hooking up for about three months almost every week, or every couple of weeks. He and I are involved in the same group of friends. So we’ve chatted quite a bit, and hung out a bit, and he would do really nice things for me or for other people while I was around, and (as stupid as this sounds) leave really cute posts on my wall on Facebook.

Then one night, four months ago, we both were drunk and ended up making out. It happened again the week after that. So we decided we wanted to talk about it.. or um.. I guess I decided I wanted to talk about it, because I generally do not just hook up with men while I’m drunk. We’re also both about to study abroad for a year. We both decided it wasn’t a good idea to keep doing this, because it’s a bad idea to be attached to someone who isn’t going to be around. And I still agree with that.

But it keeps happening. And now we don’t really talk at all outside of hooking up. I want to just hang out with him sober again, but he seems to not care very much.

I also know that he’s been hurt pretty badly in the past by a girl, and he ended up lashing out at her, and hasn’t been quite the same (especially in regards to girls) since. And this information isn’t coming second-hand; I was there when it happened. (As I said, we’re in the same group of friends).

We still haven’t had sex. I’m a virgin, and I’m not going to become… *ahem* a not-virgin when I’m drunk. And I’m not going to do it with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to see me outside of his bedroom or mine. I have performed oral on him though, a few times..

Can he really be doing these kinds of things with me, this frequently, and not have feelings for me? Is that possible? Would guys do that? Especially with a girl who isn’t actually having sex with them? Or is oral kind of the same thing…

D

Dear D,

Thanks for your question.

First, let’s clarify what sex is. This whole gray area of oral sex started around the time of the Monica Lewinsky  affair. Do you remember? You might be too young. But click on the link, or do some research. Fascinating stuff. Anyway, some people define sex as only intercourse, but for most people, anytime the genitalia is involved it’s pretty much sex. So yes, oral—fellatio or cunnilingus—is pretty much sex. Certainly it’s intimate enough to be stimulating another person with your mouth wouldn’t you say? But if you want to be technical, yes you’re certainly still a virgin, but for practical purposes, or if a guy in the future asks you if you’ve had sex before, it could be something you’d want to disclose. Or for that matter, something you didn’t want to disclose.

Could a guy receive oral sex every week without being emotionally attached or invested in a woman? Absolutely. In fact, for some guys it’s the perfect situation. (We’re not saying all, but certainly any type of Booty Call or Friends with Benefits situation is something guys search for, or certainly wouldn’t turn down if it was offered, especially if they weren’t in a serious relationship with a woman.)

We don’t think this is the best situation for you. He’s getting some of his needs met but you’re not. And typically these types of arrangements don’t transition into serious relationships. Eventually they just fizzle after the woman gets fed up. You might want to check out our video on “Friends with Benefits” for some more insights.

Don’t feel badly. This happens more than you might think. But the best thing to do is move on and try to find a guy that is not only willing, but excited, to see you outside the bedroom. (Read our “Relationship Memoirs” page to see how this turns out for Rebecca.)

Feel free to ask us a follow up question and keep us posted on how this progresses. Good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

I want my ex-husband back

Dear Guys,

I am still in love with my ex-husband but I am getting mixed emotions from him. A little background first. My now ex-husband and I met five years ago and we have been together for four years and were married for three years. We both have children from previous relationships and do not have any kids together.

In February we got into an argument and it got heated to the point of him wanting a divorce. So he filed for divorce and I struggled through everything. I never wanted the divorce, but agreed to make him happy. In April I received a random text messages from him and he has been texting me everyday since. I have told him that I want him back. He says he only wants to be friends. So I told him that I couldn’t come see him anymore and that I had to move on with my life. So I didn’t talk to him for about three days and he text me again randomly telling me that he wished things could be different between us, and that he cares about me and has feelings for me and he really wants us to get back together.

But there is one small problem. He doesn’t want the responsibility of more kids. He doesn’t want my kids or his kids involved with other people. That is a problem because all of our children are small. He wants me to move in with him and us live together and enjoy life together. We have hung out just the two of us and things were great. I have spent the night with him and it was amazing. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me without me doing anything. I am so confused. I want to be with him so badly but at the same time I love my kids and can’t leave them behind.

Can anyone give me some advice?

Kayla

Dear Kayla,

Thanks for your question.

Relationships are complex. And when you add kids into the mix things can get even more complicated, especially when a couple has never really had time to have a relationship separate from the kids. But the thing is Kayla, your kids are part of you. They can’t be separated. The two of you can dream all you want about how it might be just the two of you, but the fact of the matter is, you both have kids, and you both know your kids are your first priority. Good for you.

If he really doesn’t want the extra responsibility of more kids, but he truly loves you and wants to be with you, why can’t the two of you just have a serious and committed relationship but don’t live together? There are a growing number of married couples that have separate abodes because of their job situation, or so they can have their own space. You could talk during the week, maybe see each other one weekday night, and then spend weekends together. Or some other arrangement. Maybe it’s not the typical marital arrangement, but it can work if the two of you are committed to making it work. And maybe you could have a mutual goal, where you keep this arrangement until the kids are a bit older and then you reevaluate your living situation at that time.

There are no rules here. The two of you can figure out a plan that works best for you and your families. But the bottom line is, your kids come first. His kids come first. As long as that’s clear for both of you, then we’re confident you’ll come up with a workable solution.

Finally, if he’s not willing to try whatever it takes to be with you, then maybe he’s not the right guy for you. He should be putting as much effort into coming up with a solution as you are. Please be aware of this and keep your eyes open. If he’s not, you’re just going to become resentful of him. And that won’t bode well for your relationship and the future.

Good luck and please keep us posted as this progresses. Also, feel free to leave us a follow up comment with your thoughts. And/or a follow up question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other related questions: 

An ex that comes back and now has cancer

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

How do I break up with my boyfriend?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and we’ve been friends for almost ten years. I live in Georgia, he lives in Ohio. I pursued a relationship with him about four years ago, but broke up with him. Two years ago, we started dating again.

He is a great guy and seems perfect on paper, but for some reason something’s missing for me. We only see each other a few times a year, and last time we visited, I told him we should break up. But the next day he talked me out of it; I just couldn’t do it.

When we’re together I can’t bring myself to break it off with him, and we always have such a good time together. But when we’re apart I want to break it off with him so badly. He’s made it clear that he wants to marry me, even though I think he knows that he feels more strongly for me than I for him. If you were in his shoes, what would you want from me? Should I make a special trip up to Ohio just to break up? What on earth do I say?

And please, please tell me that he’ll be all right and this will be better for him than if I just stayed with him and hope that eventually I could develop the same feelings he has for me.

Tamerin

Dear Tamerin,

Thanks for your question.

So we’ll start with a hypothetical question for you. Can a person grow to love someone? The answer is yes and no. Because we believe there is a difference between loving someone and being “in love.” Being “in love” is something undefinable, a chemical reaction, an aligning of the stars. Truly loving someone takes time, and grows from mutual respect and admiration. Some people need to feel “in love” with their partner in order to be with them, and some people are happy enough just loving someone and being loved. (As an aside, there was a recent article in Psychology Today that you might find interesting. Are you with the right mate?  )

So the more pertinent question Tamerin is: What do you need? Because this is what it comes down to. Not what some book or magazine says. Or your friends. Or your family. Or this guy. You need to be honest with yourself and decide what it is that you want out of your relationship and the man you’re choosing to be with.

It sounds like you’re conflicted, or maybe you’re only conflicted out of guilt. Either way, you need to be honest with yourself and then be honest with him. Don’t stay with someone out of guilt or charity. Eventually they will become resentful of you. Maybe he realizes he feels more strongly toward you than you do for him, and for now he’s okay with that. But honestly this is a red-flag. If he’s willing to accept this imbalance of power it’s likely he has low self-esteem.

This breakup probably deserves to be done face-to-face, but if you’ve already tried that and failed, then we think it’s 0kay—although not ideal—to do it via phone. Either way he’ll probably want to come see you and try to talk you out of it. But you need to be strong. No use dragging this out. You asked what we’d want. Well, we’d want to know the truth. So we could get on with healing.

Will he be alright? We know you care about him, but he’s an adult. He should be able to take care of himself. And you trying to soften the blow is only going to make this harder on him. Once you decide what you want to do, do it immediately. If he wants an audience we think he deserves that, but not if he’s going to try and delay the inevitable. It all needs to happen now so you both can move on with your lives.

We wish you all the best. Good luck.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And please keep us posted as this progresses.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy some of our guest writers.

Other Questions about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do the long distance dance? 

I didn’t want the divorce; how do I get him back?

This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

Will my fiance be back? I still love him

Other Questions about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do the long distance dance? 

I didn’t want the divorce; how do I get him back?

This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

______________________________

Hi Guys,

You’re awesome:) I’ve been reading your website for some time now, looking for answers. But I think I must write to you now and get your perspective on my situation. I hope you write back!

So here goes:

I’m from Bombay, India. In 2009, my company sent me on a short stint to the Delhi office. At the time, I was in an on-again, off-again relationship with a guy back in Bombay and really not looking for anyone else in my life. So, I was generally having a good time making some new friends at the Delhi office—including this guy Ro. Let’s call him that.

Ro was funny and helpful and in an on-again, off-again thing as well. So he was just a fun friend to grab a drink with and discover a little bit of Delhi bit. I came to Bombay and didn’t think much of him. Neither did he, and it didn’t matter.

A few months later it turns out we were both offered a job with the same company in Delhi. We were both out of our on-again-off again thing as well. I couldn’t wait to be in a new city, be single, and live without my folks for a change!

He was helpful when I moved—in a good guy friend kind of way. I helped him about to — go to the dentist, chase some girls. He dropped me home, and invited me to dinner because I was lost in a new city. We were good friends to each other.

Suddenly, even though we had other friends we were spending all of our time together. Nothing physical mind you, just talking late into the night, drinking, enjoying the same kind of music, watching the movies we love. What happened next was inevitable: we kissed. But a whole two months into getting to know each other. It felt right, and it felt special.

Three weeks into a really nice relationship we had a fight—he wanted to break up. He said he was getting really insecure about me looking at other guys and couldn’t handle it. I told him to hang in there and that we’d be okay. By then, this harmless crush had grown into a lot more than just a crush given how much of ourselves we had bared.

We were back together again. Over time I moved into his house. We were living together. We had the usual ups and downs of a relationship—the squabbles about who’s running late, him doing hardly any house, me being snappy in the morning—but largely we had a great time. We traveled, had friends over, read together, worked hard, advised each other on work, and spent a lot of time together and alone. This went on rather nicely for a year.

Then I wanted to know where this was going. I didn’t want to be in a live in relationship with a guy if we weren’t eventually going to get married. He said he needed time to think. I gave him the time. He said he wanted a few more months. We had a bit of spat over that, and some other stuff but we sorted it out. I moved out, then moved back in. For awhile his mum didn’t know I’d moved back in (she lives in other city) she told him he shouldn’t meet me, and that he should get over this. But we fell back into a happy relationship again, although this time there were more downs, until three months down the road when things started to get nice again. I kept asking him if he wanted this to go further and if not we should end this. He kept saying he needed time to think.

We began 2012 on a great note. he would call and tell me- he told his aunts he was getting married, when I was out of town, we went to a few good trips around Delhi and Dubai with our sisters and even found a new house we’d want to move into. My only condition: I wasn’t moving in until we were sure we were headed.

He finally popped the question and rather romantically at that. He took me to our favourite tea place, and placed a little note in a cup. The month after that was lovely with congratulations pouring in, a 3oth birthday celebration, and furniture shopping which we both enjoyed!

Two days into his birthday celebration we had a fight. His sister had moved in a week ago and I brought up the question: who pays for her every time we go out? For some reason he wanted to pay for her and not me although we’re all working. Things got rather ugly there with him telling me he was never okay to support me, even if i couldn’t work for a small time in my life thanks to kids etc but would continue to spend on his folks and sister. His mum also accused me of controlling his money, and being out to get him. She got involved. I was on a business trip, she called him back to his hometown. He sent me an email and ended the engagement.
We never met, we weren’t given a chance to sort out our fight. In the email he agreed that I wasn’t ill -intentioned on the finances but he found me manipulative and controlling. That hurt.

He asked me to move out in 2 days. I said i needed 2 weeks. I moved back to Bombay. We met once so I could tell him he was doing the wrong thing. That issues crop up and we should deal with them rather than break away because of them.

He said: let’s agree to disagree but he didn’t look to good. He’s back in his hometown now with his mum. I’m in Bombay.

We haven’t spoken. I don’t know what to do. Will he come back? (My folks and our common friends are disgusted with his behavior!) What do I do to bring him back?

Couple of things:

It must be noted he’s on some pills mood enhancers that he started taking after I pushed him to visit the counselor. He kept saying he had low mood swings and felt down for no apparent reason. The counselor helped him tremendously!

His mum was never warm towards me, but was happy because I helped him a lot—cooking cleaning etc. so she was cordial. (Although she was excited when the wedding was announced.)

We’ve chipped in towards all expenses most of the time and I ‘ve always advised him on financial matters and he’s taken the help gladly because I’m better with numbers.

He’s always said he loved me, and I was the best thing that happened to him.

Some of his aunts thought I was pushing him to marriage but given his commitment phobia I told them i just want clarity.

I still love him! )

Sigh

Dear Sigh,

Thanks for your question.

We think his decision to break up with you is less a matter of his mood enhancers and more a matter of deference to his mother. Sure, we do believe a son or daughter should be respectful to his or her parents, but—and this is a big BUT— we also believe at some point a person needs to start making their own decisions, especially about something as important as who they’re going to marry.

Three things could be going on here.

1. He’s easily swayed by his family’s opinions—mostly the women in his family, his mother and aunts. Which means, he’s basically a mama’s boy. (Sorry, there’s no nice way of saying this.)

or

2. He’s using his family’s opinions, and the fact that you’re aware of how his mom feels about you, as an excuse to extract himself from a situation that would be difficult to extract himself from otherwise. (Meaning, he’s not sure about whether you’re the person he wants to marry after all.)

3. He’s uncertain, as many people are, about one of the biggest decisions of his life.

The first two choices aren’t particularly attractive, although if it’s the first choice—that he’s easily swayed by his family— at least he could realize his mistake, be a man, stand up to his family, ask for your forgiveness, and move forward with the wedding. We understand that in some cultures family has more influence over sons and daughters than in others. But ultimately people need to make their own decisions. If he’s not strong enough or mature enough to do that, he’s probably not the guy you want to marry. Because if he’s caving now, it’s likely you’ll have to deal with his mother’s influence for the rest of your married life. We doubt that’s something you’re going to be happy about.

If what’s going on is option 2—that he’s really not happy with you—then no, it’s unlikely he’ll be back. He may never say it, and will probably keep hiding behind his family, but his true feelings are there beneath the surface.

If it’s option 3, then yes, at some point he’ll realize he’s made a mistake and come back to you.

So what you need to do Sigh, is figure out which one it is.

If you do come to some sort of reconciliation you need to have an open and honest conversation with him. Find out from him what he needs from you. We’re not suggesting you change just to be with him, but relationships are about compromise, and they are also tools to help us all grow and evolve. None of us are perfect, and sometimes it takes tough love from a partner or spouse to help us see ourselves more clearly. Having said that, you can’t change the core of who you are and nor you shouldn’t, but you can change some of your behaviors and actions. It’s up to you to decide what you’re willing to compromise on and what you’re willing to do to make this relationship work. Of course, he should be willing to do the same. And if he’s not also working on his actions, then all you’ll feel is resentment and anger. A relationship is a two way street and both parties should be willing to do whatever it takes—within reason—to make it work.

Hope this helps a little. Please leave us a follow up comment in the comments section below. Or ask us a follow up question. And keep us posted as this progresses.

Good luck and hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

pss. Also, you might be interested in our “Relationship Memoirs” page. There are some interesting essays and stories there.

 

 

 

Overseas military affair

Dear Guys,

I am overseas in the military. When this marine and I met it was like love at first sight. We started talking everyday and having lunch together. But somehow he would not ask me out. I started questioning him why but he always had an excuse.

He came to visit my place and we made out a couple of times but didn’t have sex. He told me he had feelings for me but he had a girlfriend back in the states that he loves and doesn’t want to end his relationship with her. We broke up, sort of, and now he’s making me feel like I was the one that was pursuing him. (But he also says he still wants to be my friend and swears that he has deep feelings too, but he wants to stop the flirting and suggestive language that we used to use.)

I am hurting so much; I trusted him and then he does this to me?! Everyone that knows about the situation says that he is going to come back to me and is going to break up with his girlfriend. But I don’t want to get my hopes up. He said he doesn’t want to lead me on. But now we both extended our tour here and will be seeing each other a couple times of week. We are so attracted to each other and passionate for each other. It is amazing. He told me that he’s never felt this kind of passion before. Me either. He said that it feels so good and so natural to hold me and kiss me. What should I do? Advice please!!!

Zairi

Dear Zairi,

Thanks for your question.

The best thing to do right now is try to be friends with him as best you can. He’s right, while he has a girlfriend the two of you shouldn’t be flirting, or doing other things. But the fact that he’s tried to put this on you is a red flag. He’s not taking responsibility for his actions. From what we can see there was only one person who was cheating on their partner, and it wasn’t you. He’s got a lot of nerve to dump this on you. And that’s the other thing. You do realize this guy cheated on his girlfriend don’t you? And who’s to say he wouldn’t cheat on you if you were that girl back in the states? It’s certainly something to think about, and something that needs to be talked about if things move forward between the two of you.

We suggest that you try to work with him—if that’s why you’re seeing him a few times a week—and be friendly. But you need to make it clear to him that you’re not open to having a relationship with him until he’s resolved things with his girlfriend back home. (Meaning he’s broken up with her.)

The thing is, passion is great and all, but relationships only last if there’s strong communication, trust, and mutual respect. Those are things that are built over time.

Good luck. Please keep us posted as things progress. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about military relationships: 

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

 

Sex Addict: I feel like I’m not enough for my boyfriend

Dear Guys,

I feel like my 32 year old boyfriend is obsessed with sex, naked women, and porn. He stares (not looks!) at other women while we are out together. I understand people’s eyes wander, but he has in the past made me feel like I wasn’t even there. I confronted him about it but he thinks I’m being crazy and usually just gets defensive. He combats me with accusing me of “forcing him to walk on egg shells” but I just want him to respect me while I am with him.

He also told me he masturbates at least twice a day (which I know from doing his laundry, yuck) which to me sounds more to me like a 16 year old than a 32 year old. I can only assume that he’s watching porn while he does this… Which, c’mon… he probably is. And the other day I was using his StumbleUpon app on his iPhone and in his history it showed that he only ‘stumbled upon’ his “babes” interest and the last 1,700+ pages he saw were of completely naked women in provocative positions, some with other women. THAT’S AT LEAST 1,700 WOMEN ON HIS CELL PHONE ALONE!

We have a pretty regular sex life and I would like to do it more, but now all I can think about is whether or not he is fantasizing about someone else while we are being intimate. And some nights he rolls over as if sex means nothing and I know sometimes it’s just because he jerked off before I came over. He says he loves me and finds me sexy and loves fooling around, and he really is an amazing boyfriend, but I can’t help but feel like I’m nothing in comparison to all of these other women.

I’m usually very confident, but I sincerely feel like he’s obsessed with women and getting off. I DON’T GET IT. And he’s cheated in the past on some/one of his girlfriends, so I worry about this behavior encouraging him to cheat. I want to confront him about it, but I feel like he would just get defensive and angry and I doubt it would change anything. And I’m starting to feel like I’m not enough for him. Please help… Am I crazy? Am I over-thinking this? Or is this abnormal?

Heather

Dear Heather,

Thanks for your question.

So if your boyfriend makes you feel defensive, insecure, and less confident what is it about him that makes him amazing? Honestly, we’re just curious. Because a guy could have a lot going for him—smart, confident, good looking, successful—but could still be a shitty boyfriend or husband.

But let’s talk about the specifics of your question. It’s pretty “normal”—although remember, normal is kind of subjective—for a guy to look at other women—including women online—as well as pleasure himself regularly, even if he’s very happy and satisfied in his relationship. But two times a day sounds a bit excessive. Our biggest question is, how does he have the time? Does he have a job? As far as looking at woman while he’s with you, that’s a whole other story. Sure guys look, as you say, but stare, no. He should absolutely be focused on you while he’s with you. That doesn’t mean he has to lavish you with PDA (Public Displays of Affection) but it does mean if he needs to look at the hot girl who’s walking by he should do it discreetly, or at least include you. (Some women don’t mind if their guy looks as long as they are included.) But even with that, a guy should be respectful of the woman he’s with. And the same holds true for woman with their men.

From what you’re describing, yes, your guy seems to be over the top when it comes to porn. Most guys have some interest and dabble when they “need to” but we still come back to the time issue. Most guys just don’t have the time to stay home, pop in a video, and go to town on their “special buddy.” At least not everyday.

As far as his past indiscretions, he shouldn’t be held hostage for that. Yes, he has a track record, but people do learn and change, although you’re right to be aware of this. Cheating is a behavior that’s difficult to change, because it’s more about the person who’s cheating rather than the person being cheated on. It has more to do with the person’s own feelings of self-worth, or even on the flip side, entitlement. This is something to keep your eyes open about.

We just think you need to ask yourself, are you happy? Are you getting what you need from this guy? Let’s say he continues his behavior but still treats you well, are you okay with this? And what is it about him that’s amazing? Do you think you’ll ever be able to trust him? Once you answer some of these questions we think things will become clearer and clearer for you. Remember Heather, don’t settle. The guy you are with should respect you, and care enough about you, that if something’s bothering you, he would do whatever he can to find a solution. Because relationships are all about trust, respect, good communication, and effective problem solving. You want someone who’s not always going to deflect the blame onto you.

We hope this helps. Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, and/or question. And keep us posted on how this unfolds.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Questions about Sex, Porn, Cheating:

Possible porn addict

Help; can my guy change from his cheating past?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again? 

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating? 

My husband is hanging out with Swingers

Dear Guys,

I am married and I take issue with my husband going over to do business on Fri and Sat nights with two couples that swing. He thinks I should trust him and is angry that I am uncomfortable with this schedule. I must note that he showed me a business contract but it wasn’t signed and they have been having meetings for months.

Margaret

Dear Margaret,

Thanks for your question.

Honesty, we’d probably feel the same way as you do. Maybe he wants you to trust him unconditionally, but sometimes there’s reason to question. If it smells fishy, it probably is. We think you should ask him how he’d feel if the roles were reversed? Would he trust you in this type of situation?

See the thing is, trust is key to a successful relationships, but so is respect. And doing “business” with these people on a Friday and Saturday night is not showing respect. And the fact that he doesn’t care if you’re upset is a big red flag, probably as big as his unusual “business activities.”

Everything about this feels odd. You need to get more information from him besides this unsigned contract. What kind of business is he actually doing? Why on these nights? What’s really going on? And then after you get all of this information, listen, and trust to your gut. Because to us, the whole thing smells of disrespect.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Other questions about cheating: 

Cheating when drinking; can he change? 

Cheating Part 1: Three guys on cheating

Cheating Part 2: I was Tiger

Cheating Part 3: Inner Child

Is cheating ex playing me?

Possible porn addict

Help; can my guy change from his cheating past?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again? 

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating? 

Divorced with kids: Why am I still single?

Guys,

Okay I am sure you have been asked this before. I am a seven years divorced mum of 3. I work and have a couple of social hobbies.   I am quite good looking so I’ve been told.  Yet not once in seven yrs have I been asked out. I tried the dating sites recently, met a few gents for coffee, and one stood out. So for a couple of months we got on really well. But then I found out he was still  meeting others on the site and had been all along.

Do I need to wear a sign saying I am available and want an honest, trustworthy gent.  They must be out there!

What am I doing wrong?

Tracy

Dear Tracy,

Thanks for your question.

We imagine that some of your difficulty stems from being a good mom. Probably a lot of your time—when you’re not working—you are helping your kids with homework, carting them around to their various activities, and generally spending quality time with them. And you probably don’t have a lot of time to go out socially. But in your case, you’re going to need to make an extra effort to get yourself out there.

We don’t think you’re doing anything wrong per se. Dating sites are a good way to meet people, especially for the busy, working person who has a lot of responsibilities. So we would suggest keeping your profile up to date. (Check out our videos on how to write a great profile on our Video Page) If you’ve already met one interesting person—although it’s unfortunate that he was untruthful—it’s likely you’ll meet someone else. (Hopefully this time a bit more open and honest.)

Tracy, you just need to get yourself out there. Say YES. Meaning, if you get asked to do things by your friends, just go, even if you’re tired. (And if you can get a babysitter.) Say yes to parties when you can, social events, parent meetings, whatever. It just sounds like you’re not meeting enough people. If you’re as cute as people say you are, you’ll attract attention just be getting yourself out there.

We realize full well how difficult it is to juggle being a single parent and an active social life, but let’s think of your situation from a business standpoint. Let’s say you were unemployed. What would you do? You’d update your resume, get yourself out there on LinkedIn, etc. and you’d start to network with people. You’d let friends know your were looking for a job, and you’d meet as many people as you possibly can. (Now don’t roll your eyes!) Dating is more similar than you might imagine. You have to put the word out there and let the network do some work for you.

Finally, guys WILL date single moms, but it’s a little more complicated sometimes. Some guys will be open to dating a woman with kids but they won’t be looking for a commitment. So it’s up to you to figure out who is for real and who isn’t. Check out some of our other posts on dating single moms for some more tips.

Divorced woman with kids dating a bachelor

Dating as a single mom

Will guys date single moms?

“Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

My cheating boyfriend; can I learn to trust him again?

Other questions about cheating: 

Cheating when drinking; can he change? 

Cheating Part 1: Three guys on cheating

Cheating Part 2: I was Tiger

Cheating Part 3: Inner Child

Is cheating ex playing me?

Possible porn addict

Help; can my guy change from his cheating past?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again? 

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating? 

_______________________________

Dear GUYS,

I currently have a boyfriend who cheated on me a few months back. Including the break up, we have been together almost three years.

Let me start from the beginning. I had a close friend who was also friends with my boyfriend. This girl was popular for getting around, yet I ignored the fact and continued to be friends with her thinking she would never betray me. One night my boyfriend calls me saying he had to go to Walmart to buy something for his Ipod around midnight. Of course I did not believe him, but I was tired and decided to ignore the situation and go to sleep angry.

The next day he wakes up late and he uses the excuse that he was “up late playing xbox with his cousins.” Of course I did not believe him, but I had no proof. When I finally saw him he was acting different. Very distant, angry, did not want to hold my hand or kiss me. I started to suspect he cheated on me. Sadly it was true. He cheated on me with my close friend and I found out a week later by a friend who heard from a friend and so forth. The worst part about it is when I asked them both, they lied to my face. I was overwhelmed with sadness and anger. I could not stand her. I tried to let it go and forgive him, but at the time he did not care. He continued talking to her like nothing had happened and defended her saying it was all her fault. That was the moment I decided to pretend like he fell from the face of the planet.

For three month I ignored him completely and everyone knew to not mention him around me. In fact I changed my number around three times because somehow he would get it and “drunk text” me saying how sorry he was and how much he missed me. I did not believe him. I even had to block him off Facebook seeing as to he wrote me this insanely long mean message mentioning stuff he heard about me that wasn’t even true. The day came where he texted me early one morning calmly and so I finally replied. One thing led to another and we ended up meeting each other to talk. I realized how much I loved him and cared for him when he was pouring his heart out to me.

Shortly after meeting, we started dating again and I have noticed the effort he has put into our relationship. He is more sweet; I am his first priority and he tries to give me whatever I want, etc. But in a way, I feel like we are falling into our old habits again. I can’t help but think in the back of my mind that he is lying to me or that he is going to cheat on me again. I would love to actually believe him when he says he will never do that again and in time he will prove it to me, but I just can’t. It’s been six months since we started dating again and I still fear him. I fear he will do this to me again and that he is lying.

My question is: will I ever learn to trust him again? If so, how? I feel like I will never get over the betrayal and our relationship will never move foward because of me.

Janet

Dear Janet,

Thanks for your question. Sorry it took us a while to get to it.

You’ve probably heard it said a thousand times that relationships are built on trust, but we just have to say it again: Relationships are built on trust. And when that trust is broken it’s often very difficult to repair. It’s not because the love has disappeared—as in your case you still love him—but because love can’t hold up without trust. And this of course throws pie in the face of all of those fairy tales we hear as kids, that love will conquer all, and it’s all about love, love, love. Well, sure, love is an important ingredient, but it’s only a part of the equation. You’re experiencing this first hand.

It is possible for you to trust your boyfriend again but he’s going to have to show you that he’s changed and willing to do what it takes to regain your trust. And he’s going to have to show this over a long period of time. (How long is up to you.) But at the same time you’re going to have to forgive him, and try your best to not think about his unsavory behavior and move forward. We’re not saying you SHOULD do that, we’re just saying that in order for you to move forward with your relationship you’re going to have to try and forgive.

The thing is Janet, much of what happens here on out is up to you. We’d say the majority of couples don’t survive a breach of trust like you’ve experienced. Cheating on someone you purportedly love is akin to taking a knife to their heart. But even so, it still happens every day. You might want to consider couples counseling and talk to a professional about this matter. There are likely other issues going on that should also be addressed. Cheating doesn’t usually happen in a vacuum.

But finally Janet, just remember that you weren’t the one to breach the trust. Don’t start blaming yourself and feeling guilty. In fact, blame needs to be taken out of the equation if you’re really serious about trying to put the pieces back together. With a lot of work on both sides you can repair the crack in the foundation, but at the same time listen carefully to your gut. What’s it telling you as you process the relationship? Sometimes even with love, two people aren’t meant to be together. They push the wrong buttons in each other.

Good luck. We wish we could give you a definitive answer, but really it’s up to you to try and sort through your feelings. We’re pulling for you whatever you decide. Please keep in touch and keep us posted. We’re interested in how this plays out. And leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question anytime. Use the comments section of this post and we’ll respond there.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

Distrust in a long distance military marriage

Other questions about dating in the military: 

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

_______________________________

Dear Guys,

My husband and I have been married for close to a year. We are both in the military and we are stationed at separate bases. For a long time we handled the long distance relationship well and we were very happy with each other even though we could only get together every couple of months.

My husband is a good man but I have been noticing lately that it doesn’t seem like he trusts me. It started a little bit before we got married and has gotten worse now that we have been apart for so long. My husband is nearly ten years my senior and was raised in a religious background that he doesn’t hold firmly to but that does influence his thought and ideals which I am beginning to notice are a bit different than my own.

I am very independent and with wild inclinations but not to the point where I would be unfaithful. My life has become quite solitary with our relationship and more so since I have began to notice his trust issues which started with him playing mind games to see if he could catch me in some kind of a lie. To add insult to injury he came and visited for the holidays and I introduced him to my best girlfriend with whom I spend a great deal of time as I can be very inclined not to go out and be social. And one morning at about 2am, he got up and drove to her house and started interrogating her about my activities in his absence. My friend confessed this to me after he had left and I have not brought it up with him as he has not mentioned it to me. My friend mentioned that he had asked her many questions about me and what we did together and that he would ask the same questions to her over and over in a different way trying to see if he could catch her lying.

With all of his prodding in the last year it have been very hard for me to communicate with him because I have concerns that my ideals will not be up to his standards and I feel that in some ways I am already failing to be a good wife because I am feeling less and less inclined to share myself with him. He frequently consults other people regarding our relationship but never in my presence and when I have heard him discussing it over the phone his tone is unsettling in a way that is difficult to describe.

He says that he loves me but I am beginning to wonder if this is possible with how little he trusts me. I am beginning to believe that I have made a mistake in marrying him and that perhaps we rushed it out of fear. Any guidance would be deeply appreciated on the matter as I do not know how to proceed with this and I don’t think I will be able to keep it up for too much longer.

Aura

Dear Aura,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re having some trust issues in your marriage. But we’re just wondering how did it get to this point? You say the two of you were happy for quite a while so when did it all change? Was there a specific incident that triggered his insecurities and now has caused him to distrust you? Please leave us a comment and fill us in.

What we can’t understand is why the two of you aren’t talking about all of this? He should be speaking directly with you about how he’s feeling—not speaking with your friend, or playing mind games with you—and you should be addressing your concerns directly with him. Relationships are built on trust, but trust is built on solid communication. Right now you have neither. And if you really want to make this work the two of you need to at least agree that you’re going to talk about all the issues the next time you see each other.

As far as you doubting his love for you… This does not sound like a man who’s fallen out of love. On the contrary it sounds like a man who’s very much in love, but insecure about where he stands with his wife. Sure, he may have a proclivity for distrust and those are issues he needs to work on himself, but you need to ask yourself if there’s anything you’re doing to fuel his worry. We’re not saying you’re to blame—you’re not— but if you truly love him and want this marriage to work, it’s worth taking a hard look at your own actions to see if you can help ease his mind.

Successful marriages require work. And they are not always easy. And the fact that you have the added stress of being away from each other, especially as newlyweds, makes this situation even more overwhelming. But before you make any big decisions about your marriage we believe you need to both start working towards understanding how the other person is feeling. You need to start talking to one another because that’s what people who care about each other do. Don’t you want to know why he’s feeling the way he is? And he should absolutely want to know how you’re feeling and why.

Your man is struggling. His mind is swirling out of control with wild thoughts of what you might be doing and he probably has no one to talk about how he’s feeling. And the thing is, he’s not different from most guys. Typically men don’t discuss their relationships with other men, because they don’t like to admit that things aren’t working for them. So imagine him, alone, sitting in his room, making up scenarios in his head about everything you’re doing, and then spinning them for hours and hours. Not a pretty scene. (It might help him a lot to talk to someone—a professional counselor perhaps—about all his insecurities, worries and fears.)

But you could certainly help allay some of his fears by reassuring him that you love him and that you’re being a faithful wife with both your actions and intentions. Why don’t you try and be that person for him? He really needs you right now. And then, after you try to do everything you can to make this work, you’ll be able to make a more informed decision about whether you actually made a mistake to get married. It is possible the two of you are not a great match, but it’s too early to make that decision. See if you can get to the bottom of what’s going on first.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up question and/or comment. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

______________________________

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Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

Other Questions about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

__________________________

Dear Guys,

I was in a long term relationship with a girl I met in my class. We absolutely hit off from the start. When I met her I still was dating someone else and I told her about it. (I never crossed the line.) My girlfriend and I eventually broke up weeks later and this girl and I immediately started talking. We then dated for two months.

Before we started dating I had been working through other personal things in my past that were catching up with me. These were things I went through growing up. I broke it off with her because I knew if I had stayed I would have ruined things. During this break up period I started talking with my ex again. I believe it was because I never let anyone close to me and she was the one person I could talk to. However, I was still talking to the girl I dated for two months but we were not getting along.

During our break up she rekindled with her ex and hooked up with him as well; the same time I was hanging with my ex. So I decided to break it off with my ex for good and finally reach closure. I then told this girl my personal problems and why I left. (Because I was depressed, not because I didn’t care for her.)

During the month I was talking with my ex the girl told me we could not be friends if I was still in contact with my ex. Now the girl tells me that if anything is going to come out of this we need to start as friends and build from there. However, she is still hanging out with HER ex and she constantly says they’re just friends, but I know they have been hooking up. She is a great fun girl but she is not happy with what she does sometimes. She lets me in and then makes mistakes. I would never be this confused about anyone but I know deep down she is the one. I told her I cannot accept the fact that she is still hooking up with other people as she puts it. I told her I cannot do it. But I have been going back and forth about this. I finally put my foot down and said I can be your friend but we can’t hook up with other people.

Am I wrong? I do not know what to do and I need help…

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Thanks for your question. Yes, we can totally understand why you’re confused. (She wants to see her ex but she doesn’t want you seeing yours.) But even though this is a double standard we also understand what’s going on for her.

Our sense is she’s protecting herself by still seeing her ex and hooking up with him. She may have really been into you when you were dating, but once you broke up with her—yes, we understand why— she is now no longer sure if she can trust you. And that’s the issue here. Trust. Andrew, you need to gain her trust back and that can take time.

Being her friend is a good first step. And while we realize that it’s very difficult for you to be friends with her while she’s still seeing her ex, you need to first help her understand that you won’t leave again. This means if she doesn’t “hear” you the first time you need to tell her over and over again until she finally understands that you really care for her and want to be with her. Making demands isn’t going to help the situation at this point even though you’re certainly not wrong to ask.

However, if after a while nothing changes, you might want to think whether she’s really The One. If she’s exhibiting destructive behavior by hooking up with guys AND not showing signs of wanting to change, then there’s no need to hang around and be a witness to it all.

Hopefully this will work out for you. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond here as well. And keep us posted on how this turns out.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

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I didn’t want the divorce; How do I get him back?

Other questions involving divorce:

Divorced and online dating

Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Divorced women in her 40s dating bachelors

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

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Hi Guys!

This is gonna make your brain hurt but here goes. I’ve been together with my guy for seven years, and married for four. We have a two year-old son. We have had a tough couple of years given my husband (now my ex-husband) is a police officer. There have been several emotional affairs and one or two intimate ones.(By him) I have forgiven him for them but will never forget.

I have literally lived in a very, “I love you today, wish you would leave the next day” relationship for about two and a half years. We finally divorced about one week ago. I did not want the divorce but he said he needed to find himself and he’s not who he is. Well I can second that! But what changed?

He wrote me two letters in the past two years telling me I made his life wonderful and he loved me more than I would ever know. His most recent letter was telling me just how proud of me he is and that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. And the next month he moved out of our bedroom? That was last year. Then he starts texting and sexting other married women and sneaking out with them. And when I question him about it he says, “We’re done. I told you I was done with you.” When did you tell me I wonder?

I know we’ve had hard times and yes we’ve yelled the “I want a divorce” crap several times but I never knew it was being yelled for real, becasue we would be fine a few days later. I didn’t want this divorce I am in love with this man.

I can’t stand to know he’s going to be sleeping with other women; it kills me. I asked him to leave our home in November after finding a text to another woman whom he refuses to tell me anthing about. The text was all about how much they love each other and can’t wait to be together. He says it was a drunk text. Maybe that’s true. I haven’t seen them call or text each other but once since.

He came home on December 10th and told me he wanted to talk to me before any decisions were made about the divorce. Three days went by without him saying a word to me. Then we had a good night and I casually asked if we were gonna have the talk. He blew up at me and filed the next day. And ever since that day he’s begged me daily to hurry and sign the papers. Well I finally did and he just seems so happy without me. It’s heartbreaking. My therapist says that he seems to be narcissistic. I dunno, but another man’s POV (Point of View) would be helpful.

I want my family back and my husband back. What do I do?

Rather not Say

Dear Rather not Say,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. We never like to see families break up.

For some guys it takes a while to settle into a marriage. Many guys don’t realize there’s a big difference between saying, “I do” and actually doing it. And when that reality hits some guys step up to the plate and get their act together—albeit some take longer than others—and some guys just can’t seem to see the treasure that’s right in front of them. The “latter” guys view marriage as a prison. It’s a place where they have no fun, they have no freedom; a place where they feel burdened with responsibilities. These are the guys that stray, cheat, and finally do irreparable damage to their relationships, all the while dragging their spouses through the mud.

Does this sound familiar to you?

Marriage can be difficult, especially with kids in the picture. And that’s another pivotal point for some guys. Now they are no longer their wife’s number one. In fact for a while they are quite the distant second. And a lot of men just can’t handle that. It’s not that they don’t love their baby, it’s just they are still babies themselves. These guys haven’t matured enough to realize that becoming a father is not just a huge responsibility, but one of the greatest things that can ever happen to a man. We imagine your guy’s touching notes to you were written during one of his rare moments of reflection when he took a hard look at his life and all the wonderful things in it. (You, your son) It sounds like he’s capable of self-reflection, but the more narcissistic side of him is winning the battle. And so yes, we agree with your therapist to some degree.

We’re not saying marriage is right for everyone. And we’re also not saying that people should stay in a loveless marriage. But so much of the time people break up and get divorced only to find that they’re no different in the next relationship, and that their same old patterns keep resurfacing over and over. Changing the environment is only a temporary fix for these people.

So what can you do?

You can take care of your son and be the best mother you can be. You can do the best to move on by pursuing your interests, passions, career, etc. You can lean on your friends and family for support. But you certainly don’t need to change anything to make yourself more alluring to him. If a loving wife and beautiful child is not enough to keep him committed then nothing will. We fear he’s not going to change any time soon. From what you describe he’s got a lot of learning to do. The good news is that he’s aware of it, and in those quiet moments he might even be reflecting on it. But that doesn’t mean he’s close to figuring it all out. He should read, “Are you with the right mate?” It’s from a recent Psychology Today. (You’ll find it interesting as well.)

It is possible that he could get his act together, but it could take a long time. And who knows if you will be open to him still when he figures out what he gave up.

Please feel free to ask us a follow up question, or leave us a follow up comment. We’ll respond here in the comments section as well.

Good luck and keep us posted,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

 

 

I am confused about this guy; are we in a relationship?

We’re looking for Women Writers. Check out our “Women Speak” page for more details on how to submit your work. If you’re not a writer, let your writer friends know. (We’ll happily promote your blog, website, project, or book at the end of your piece.)

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

___________________________

Hi Guys!

First of all I’m 23 and my guy is 22. Let’s call him Alex. We met about 4-5 months ago. We have kissed, held hands, cuddled, etc. (No sex yet, though he really wants to do it.) I like him but his actions are somehow confusing.

Alex is usually nicer and more attentive over texts and/or Facebook messages. He texts me at least once per day—random stuff and at random times—and that’s the only time when we have conversations about our relationship.

I already said that he really, really wants to do ‘it’, but I’m not ready.  I had a horrible experience with my last boyfriend and I haven’t dated or tried to be in a relationship with anyone since then. (More than 4 years now). However, Alex  said that he is willing to wait until the time comes, which I find really sweet of him! He doesn’t know and never asked for the details of what happened between me and my last boyfriend either.

The problem I face sometimes is that when we are together he is usually the one talking and it is almost all the time about him. I barely say anything and when I do I don’t feel like he is actually that interested. He interrupts and says things completely off topic. He rarely asks about my life. I’m learning a lot about him, but he’s not learning much about me.

On occasion he mentions his previous girlfriends. He also talks about his really beautiful friends and/or the kind of women he finds attractive. (At really random times which doesn’t bother me as much, as in I don’t get angry, but it does worry me a bit.) And the other thing is, I don’t really know what are we. I would like to call us a couple, but so far he hasn’t introduced me as ‘his girlfriend’ and I have even met his father. (Which he did not introduce to me, but we talked anyways.) During the first time we tried to be more intimate I did ask him if he was serious and he said yes with no pauses, no signs of frustration, just a calm attitude. He also told me why he liked me. (I am his friend and also a pretty gal.)

Do I have any reason to worry? Or am I just being needy/jealous/ partially paranoid due to my past experiences?  I know my own fears might be part of the problem, but I do like him and overall when we are together—even if we are just watching a movie—I am quite happy. But I want us to be closer in a more emotional/mental way as well as the physical.

Thank you very much for the help and I apologize in advance for the trouble.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question. This is no trouble at all. That’s what we’re here for.

We can understand why you’re feeling a bit unsure. We’ll try to address each of your concerns one at a time.

1. His interest in you

Sometimes young guys are clueless when it comes to asking questions and engaging in an actual conversation. They can get so wrapped up in their own world that they forget that they’re not necessarily the most fascinating creatures on the planet. We’re sure you don’t find everything he says to be that interesting, and you probably don’t care about half the topics, but you do care about him enough to try to listen and support him when he’s telling you about his life and his interests. This might come naturally to you, but clearly it doesn’t come naturally to him. So you need to gently interject things about you, and steer the topic toward some of the things you want to talk about. If he starts losing attention, or starts to digress or go off-topic,  you need to point this out to him nicely. He probably has no idea he’s doing this. (At least we hope he has no idea.)

2. Sex

There are two relationship stages for guys. Before sex, and after sex. The before sex stage is the fantasy stage. The hunt. A guy will sometimes be extra nice and extra attentive in this stage; not because he’s being manipulative—although that’s possible—but because his hormones are raging out of control. Picture a balloon that’s been blown up until it can’t hold any more air; and then picture it as it’s released into the air. This is how a guy feels when he’s pursuing a woman he’s interested in. This stage could also account for why your guy is nicer to you via text rather than in person. Texting and Facebook messaging fall into the fantasy realm believe it or not. It’s all about being more interested in the chase rather than the actual prize.

After a guy finally manages to have sex with the woman he is pursuing, the haze lifts from his mind and he can finally see clearly for the first time. This is when many women write to us and wonder what happened. They say, “Everything was wonderful until we spent the weekend together. The sex was great, but now he’s distant and he hardly texts me, and he takes forever to get back to me.”

It’s at this stage where a guy will assess and try to understand why he’s feeling differently all of a sudden. Some guys are intuitive enough to understand what’s happening, but many guys—especially younger guys—are so confused that they bail. We can’t say where your guy fits in this equation, but certainly you’ll know much more about his state of mind if/when you have sex.

(However, we are in NO WAY suggesting that you do anything you’re not completely comfortable with. We’re just explaining what’s likely going on for him. No woman, or man for that matter, should have sex with anyone unless they feel it’s the right thing for them.)

3. What are you? A couple?

This is important to figure out before you proceed with your “relationship.” If he’s not introducing you to people as his girlfriend he likely doesn’t see you that way. And this is our biggest concern. Guys generally want to tell EVERYONE about their amazing new girl. Sure, not every guy is like that, but certainly if this guy was serious about you he’d want to let his friends and family know. But to be fair, maybe he’s unsure about where you stand? Have you talked about this at all?

The thing is Sara, without actually talking about this stuff you’re not really going to know where you stand. And maybe this is okay with you for right now, since you’re a bit unsure about him anyway.

4. Our Advice

We suggest you start with trying to get more dialogue and two-way conversations going with him. If he’s receptive to that, maybe he’ll then be receptive to discussing what is actually going on with the two of you. And after that, then you can decide if you want to proceed forward with other aspects of your relationship. (Physical intimacy, etc.)

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

My son is throwing his life away on a woman with three kids

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions: Studying abroad; should I break up or do long distance?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

_______________________________

Dear Guys,

I am 25 years old and my girlfriend is 24. We’ve been dating for exactly one year, though we had been friends for two years before that. She is my first serious girlfriend. Before her I had only flings. I love her very much and I’m sure she feels the same way. We see each other almost every day; we’re best friend and have complete physical intimacy. In this year we’ve been through some fights. Two of them were pretty serious and we almost broke up. The reasons for these fights were always very silly (for me) and I managed to convince her of that and avoid breaking up. We agreed that the reasons for all of our fights were lame compared to the love we feel for each other and made a pact for being more tolerant and reasonable. Since then we didn’t fight anymore and the relashionship is at its best.

I’m an engineering graduate and currently have an excelent job that pays me well. But the firm I work for is going to be sold in a couple of months and I will have to keep working for them for one more year. After that I will leave the company. I thought this was a good opportunity to accomplish one of my goals in life that is to get a good MBA degree. To do so I will have to go abroad for one year. I would love if she could come with me but she still has two years to complete college.

She overheard my conversation with a friend about my MBA plans and asked me if I intended to go abroad. I told her the truth: yes, I want to go but only in September 2013. That’s a year and a half from now, more than twice the duration of our relationship. I proposed to her that we keep dating during this period and break up only when I leave. From then on we live our lives separately and that includes meeting other people. My intention is to get back together when I come back from the MBA.

She, on the other hand, thinks differently. She said she prefers to break up right now even even though she would suffer a lot since she loves me very much. But when she overcomes the suffering she would be free to find another man and not “waste her time investing in a relationship destined to end.” She doesn’t think we will get back together when I come back nor that she could bear thinking of me dating other girls while I’m away.

I don’t want to break up right now mainly for three reasons:

-       Living in the same city we would bump with each other all the time and know about each other’s lives, making it much harder to forget. If we wait until I go, the distance will make being apart easier.

-       During the period that I’m still here we can have a great time together. We’re talking about one and a half years. Almost twice the time we’ve been together. The bond created in this period will be strong enough to survive the year apart. (I think)

-       I think in my heart that we will get back together when I come back. (I know one year is a long time and I will gain lots of experience and may change my mind. And that’s what she’s afraid of.)

Well, I would be glad if you guys could help me out. Am I missing something? How can I convince her of staying together until I go?

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your question.

How do we say this nicely? Yes, you are missing something. Actually you’re missing everything on this one. And this is a classic example of the different ways men and women think.

You’re giving her facts and she wants emotions. She wants you to tell her that you love her so much that you’ll do anything to make it work, even if you have to go away for a year. She wants you to reassure her that nothing will come between the two of you, even if you’re far away. She wants you to be strong and tell her it’s all going to work out. (Sure, ultimately she doesn’t want you to go, but she might come around if you sang a different tune with her.)

But you’re not doing any of that. You’re treating the relationship like it’s a business. This is what she’s hearing from you: “In a year and a half, we’ll dissolve the company and split the earnings 50/50, and then maybe we’ll put the company back together when I get back.” So why would she want to stick around, knowing that in the near future the two of you will be breaking up? Women don’t work that way.

From your point of view, you see only benefits from having this sort of arrangement. And we understand. Having a wonderful woman to hang out with, go on dates with, and have sex with is a great thing. And when you combine that with a fulfilling career it’s a great combination. But once again, she doesn’t give a (blank) about any of that.

But having said all of this Thomas we do understand where you’re coming from. It seems like you might really love this woman but you just want to be 100% sure. And you don’t want to give up your career aspirations quite yet in order to have her. And guess what? We totally get it. You’re young, and it’s okay to put your needs first, and frankly you probably should, because if you’re feeling this strongly about pursuing school and furthering your career, you’ll probably be quite resentful later in life if your plans were to be derailed by this relationship. And the fact that she’s your first serious girlfriend makes us think you’d like to explore more in that department as well.

But it all comes down to timing doesn’t it? When people say “love conquers all” they are forgetting to factor in the all important “timing” variable. And this is what we’re seeing here. The timing is a bit off. But unfortunately Thomas you can’t have it both ways. She’s probably isn’t going to want to wait around while you figure this all out. (Although see below for the one caveat.) So you either need to stay with her, and see if you can give a long distance relationship a chance, or break up. (And please don’t make promises to do a long distance relationship but then break up with her just as you’re leaving. That would only perpetuate some women’s perceptions that guys are not to be trusted, which is not true.)

So Thomas, please stop treating this like a business decision and really start having some heartfelt conversations with the woman you love. And we’ll let you in on a little secret. (Our caveat) If you’re honest, and treat her with respect and love, even if you do break up now, and you go away for awhile, it’s likely if she’s still single, her heart will still be open to you. However, if you continue treating her like she’s a business partner you won’t ever have another chance with her.

We wish you the best in figuring all of this out. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And we’d love to hear what you think about all of this. And what you ultimately end up doing. Keep us posted. We’ll respond in the comments section as well.

(And readers: Please comment as well. We love a great discussion!)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

 

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

 

 

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance?

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Dating Older Men

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Dear Guys,

I’m 38, own a home, a successful business, and was married five years to an abusive man. It’s been six yrs now, I’ve moved and restarted a great life and am the happiest I’ve ever been. Over the years I see I’m drawn to attractive, adventurous, man-boys and have feared the men who want something more. The hot young ones boost my ego and have been “safe” as they usually don’t want much more then sex.

But I’ve done a lot to heal and recognize all this and now I want a more serious relationship. I had one the past two years but he left me eight months ago and I was very hurt but knew it was right and I deserved more and didn’t want to be with another big drinker who couldn’t control his habits.

A few months after the breakup I met a great 31 yr old guy. Hot, adventurous and interested. We gradually kept in touch over a few weeks and met up one evening at some hot springs and had a hot, amazing few nights together. Over the rest of the summer we’d spend a few nights a week together but I knew he would be leaving for six months in the fall. Mid-winter he was hurt and came back.

He has six weeks here and I allowed him to stay with me until he leaves again for two months, then he will be back for the summer for work. He talks about loving where we live and getting a permanent vs seasonal job. So we’re playing house mates, having a ton of sex and it’s been great. Then the fool used my computer in my house to communicate with his ex. I realized they talk often, every day or so and while he will be gone after leaving here he will be meeting up with her in Thailand. It’s definitely not just as friends, he’s clearly not over her. They’ve been broken up for two years and he told me it was hurtful. (He moved for her and it ended badly, etc.) He said he was going on his trip alone and I know he lied. We are getting to know each other, haven’t talked about anything with us and I did read him telling her he didn’t want anything serious with her. It was hard to read it all. And when I saw he forgot to log out of their very long instant message that he sent to her while I was at work, my heart sank.

I’m quite mature and really do get it. He’s having a great time with me and doesn’t want to blow it by telling me about her. We said goodbye in the fall, I was with someone else too, but now he’s back and he came to me. It’s clear he and his ex have stuff to work out and perhaps need closure or want another try at it.

My question is…what should I do? Run like Hell or give him time to figure out why they’re still connected and heal or see if they get back together and just keep dating myself? I just don’t want to be the fool, be used, be lied to, etc. The age difference is a factor and this situation proves it to me. He’s not mature enough to see that their disaster of a past will probably never work but they both are still locked together. They joke about other people but I see through that and doesn’t sounds like either has really moved on in the past two years. He’s super nice but does have a big ego and I’m sure is crushed inside that he failed at something, his first real love. They only dated a year but that can still be significant when it’s the only big experience.

Bottom line…give him a chance or not? I know he’s not prepared to tell me the truth about her (she lives across the country) and I know he wants to be here for work. He’s got his dream job and wants to stay. I know he wouldn’t leave for her and I think he actually said something to that degree in their giant message. (Can’t believe I read it. I felt badly but I’m so glad I did so I’m not completely in the dark about all of this. Nor did I tell him about the other person I spent time with.)

I actually realized after this time with someone else I really liked, that I liked him more and that’s why I invited him to stay with me. I was so curious about us having a chance to come back together so soon after thinking I wouldn’t see him for six months. My BFF thinks he really likes me, I told her the story about the ex thinking she’d tell me to end it immediately but she still thinks he’s worth having fun with and getting to know more. But it’s not her heart on the line…

Francine

Dear Francine,

Thanks for your question.

We happen to agree with your friend. You’re going to regret it if you don’t see this all the way through.

As you know, life is complicated and people come with baggage. Dating in your 20s is different than dating in your 30s, and so on, because as people age they acquire more and more baggage. But they also acquire more experience, and in turn are often more interesting.

It seems the two of you are both being a bit evasive. He’s still involved with his ex, and you are seeing other people. And neither of you knows about the other’s activities. (Okay, you do, but only because you did it without his knowledge.) We understand that you’re not really in an exclusive relationship, but in order to take this to the next level you both need to come clean about what you’re up to and honest about how you feel about the other person.

You’re right when you say, he still needs to find closure with his ex. Sometimes people go back and forth for years and years before they finally make the split. Many times it takes a new person to jumpstart this final parting. It sounds like you might actually be the person that will make him finally realize that he has a dysfunctional relationship with his ex. And that he actually could have the kind of relationship he really wants to have with you.

But the two of you need to really start talking to one another. You specifically need to let your guard down and tell him how you truly feel. Seeing other people is just a way of protecting yourself. It’s not fun to be vulnerable, but in order to see this through, you might have to let yourself be just that.

We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

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Military Gal in a Long Distance Relationship: Is it time to move on?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more? 

Why did we really break up?

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Does this older guy like me?

Is this an online romance or an online booty call? 

Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me? 

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend (27) and I (25) have been together for about a year and a half with about a two years long distance where we see each other about every six months. We’re both in the military and stationed apart now. Before he left he asked me to marry him and I told him yes of course. I was happy and he seemed happy. But the more I talked about the upcoming wedding the more I could see that he was not so happy anymore even though he said over and over he meant it. So I stopped talking about it.

A little over a year later we brought up marriage again and agreed that we both wanted to get married and have been thinking about it. Also it’s certain we will not be stationed together without being married at this point which means we’d have to wait until the end of my enlistment in 2014 to be together. But we decided to plan to get married 6 months later on our leave. It was very exciting. He said I could plan everything since he didn’t really care too much.(About the plans)

Our leave came and for the first three days he ignored me. Nothing more than kisses and maybe holding hands. Which is odd since we hadn’t seen each other in 6 months. He took off his ring when we went to his hometown saying he just hadn’t pulled it out after security. Eventually I knew this was not true. So I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he wasn’t ready to get married and that we wanted two different things. He was scared about messing it up and messing up our future children or having them too soon. I told him that we could wait a couple years to have kids if he wanted. (Yes I want them but I want to have them together.) So we decided to see if it was just anxiety or if he really couldn’t go through with it since the wedding was scheduled to happen in a few days.

A couple days passed and I brought the subject up again. This caused him to get angry saying we already discussed the subject. I was confused and hurt. I told him this. We went through this cycle for a little over a week. In the end I gave him four days to think over everything and get back to me with a definite answer.

By the third day I was thinking it was all okay. I was thinking if we don’t get married right now we can always get married later. Before this day came I noticed messages from a girl like ‘i miss your touch’ and started to ask about her first indirectly then directly. And on this day I was sitting next to him and I saw him message her ‘mm i love your kisses.’ I first asked him if he loved me and he said yes of course. Then I asked if he still wanted to marry me and he said yes. He said “That’s why I asked you, but I’m just not ready.” So then I asked about his message. This made him defensive and he tried to break up then. After a few minutes he changed his mind and promised to get me a new ring and that he wouldn’t talk to her anymore.

Prior to my departing back to my station we decided to think about the whole marriage thing and in December we would come together on the subject and decide to maybe set a date in the future and tell our families. (This time we were just going to elope). All good.

A couple weeks after I got back I found out I was pregnant. I was excited and he was scared. (Which is normal I guess.) But he started coming around and we could talk about the baby together and the future. At my appointment just shy of ten weeks I found out I had lost the baby. Since then I’ve been in a very depressive state and we have been arguing a lot now.

Now it’s been about two weeks since we lost hope for our baby and he says we need a break…then that we are breaking up…then that it’s not breaking up but a break. After 2.5 hours of talking and crying he agreed to give us a chance to fix things since it wasn’t fair and he didn’t really want to break up. He just was tired of the arguing and making me cry.

At this point, I don’t know what to do. I didn’t think we were so close to the breaking point. I can see how though. We’ve been lashing out at each other and I know we’re both hurting. I think our biggest problem is communication. We’re fighting because we can’t find out how to communicate how we feel to each other. He’s not very open with his feelings and usually I am not either but I’ve been very open with him because I love him and don’t want to lose him. He says he loves me very much and has never loved anyone like he loves me and wants us to work.

Really I don’t know how to move on or how to help him. I wish I did.

Gloria

Dear Gloria,

Thanks for writing to us.

First of all we want to say how sorry we are for your loss. Losing a baby during pregnancy is a traumatic event for a woman and a couple to go through. And it’s especially difficult if the relationship itself is a bit uncertain or strained.

And overall, that’s how we feel about this. You keep imploring him to make decisions that he’s not ready to make. Or maybe he is ready to make some decisions but he’s so worried about your reaction, that he’s not willing to tell you what’s really on his mind. You need to pull back and start letting him make some of his own decisions. You need to listen to what he truly wants, because in the end, you want him to be honest. Because if he’s 100% on board with this relationship things will be great. If he’s not 100% on board, eventually you’ll grow resentful and at some point the whole relationship will unravel.

The best way you can help him Gloria—and help yourself—is allowing him the freedom to make his own choices. Which means if he doesn’t want to get married you need to honor that. We’re not saying he doesn’t, but you’re not getting honest answers from him because he is under emotional duress—you’re crying and he doesn’t want to hurt you. And it’s possible he’s just not ready to even think about marriage right now, but he might be open to it some time down the road. The two of you are relatively young still and it sometimes takes guys a little longer to understand what they truly want.

We understand how difficult it is to be separated from the person you love. And we can see how much you want to be with this man. Being in a long distance relationship is trying and can cause even the most confident person to feel insecure, especially if their partner is not that communicative. But as difficult as it may be, you can’t let those feeling of insecurity invade your relationship. We get the sense that this marriage—in addition to finally being stationed together—is a way for you to be sure about the relationship. It’s a way for you to guarantee you’ll be together. We get this. We really do. It’s totally normal to feel this way. But even if you do get married there are no guarantees it will last, especially he feels forced into it.

We think you need to sit with this a bit and think about what you really want. Is it this guy? And is it this guy even if he’s uncertain about getting married? Or is it marriage in general? Or is it having security? Be honest with yourself and really give it some thought.

And at the same time you need to give your guy some space to think about what he really wants. He needs to be able to make that decision while he’s apart from you. There’s no way he can make an honest decision if he’s with you and you’re upset. It’s obvious he cares for you a lot. But this doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to get married to you.

So when is your next visit?

We think you both need some space to think about all of this. And then come together in a few months or so and really have an honest talk with one another. It may turn out that this is all a timing issue and that down the road the two of you will be together. But you’re not going to find out anything if you don’t give him some space and time to do some soul searching and see what he really wants. And you’ll be happier either way, even if it’s more difficult now.

Please feel free to ask us a follow up question now, or in the future as this progresses. And/or leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And keep us posted please. We’re pulling for you no matter how this turns out.

Take care,

THE GUYS

 

 

I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

I suggested Friends with Benefits; Did I just dig myself into a hole

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more? 

Why did we really break up?

Hey Guys,

I’ve been a habitual cheater since my first relationship two years ago. At the end of my last relationship—long distance— I went to parties and started hooking up with random guys. I felt terrible about it and admitted it to my boyfriend and it crushed him. I lost his trust and although he wanted to forgive me and keep going, I felt that our relationship would never be the same. So I ended it.

Not a single day goes by where I don’t think about him and what I did to him. The guilt never seems to fade.

The thing is, now I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a new guy for about 3 months now and I’ve also cheated on him. We jumped into the relationship about two weeks after we met at a party and I felt confident that I wouldn’t cheat on him because I felt so strongly about him. Yet I did. But that was about a month and half ago and I never told him about it and haven’t done it again because when I was in the moment of cheating I had an epiphany that I love my boyfriend and I don’t want anyone else. We’re so compatible and he tells me he loves me and that I’m the one. He is also the one for me. But when I talk to him, sometimes the guilt creeps up again and I have a conflicted urge to just tell him.

He says nothing I say or do could make him fall out of love with me, but this would break his heart and I’d lose his trust being so far away.

I’m afraid this feeling will always be lingering in the back of my mind. I plan on staying with him for a very long time. Should I tell him or keep it a secret?

Thank you in advance.

Meghan

Dear Meghan,

Thanks for your question.

Have you ever read the book, “Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky? Somehow your conundrum, and your feelings of guilt, remind us of the internal struggle of Raskolnikov, the main character in the book. No, you haven’t actually committed a crime, but clearly you have feelings of remorse for cheating that you’re trying to come to terms with.

Here is the true dilemma: If you stay with your new boyfriend and actually remain faithful from here on out, can you live with the knowledge that you were once unfaithful to him, even if he never finds out?

In a perfect world there would be no secrets between lovers, partners, and spouses. We’d all be open minded and accepting of each other’s imperfections and mistakes. We’d love each other just as we love our kids: unconditionally.

But alas, there is no perfect world, and our love typically bears the weight of many conditions—loyalty is one of them. You’re right when you suspect your boyfriend would no longer trust you if you told him of your indiscretions. Once trust is lost in a relationship it’s very difficult to get back. And it takes strength and courage from the person who was cheated on to forgive and try to move on. (Of course, remember that your last boyfriend seemed willing to give you a second chance after you told him you cheated on him.)

What we’re wondering is why? Why Meghan are you feeling the need to cheat? This question seems even more important than whether or not to tell your boyfriend you cheated. What is going on internally for you that you’re seeking attention and validation from other men? We’re not therapists. We’re not doctors. But we do think that question might be worth exploring with a professional. Because once you get to the root of the problem you might get clarity on your basic question: Should I tell my boyfriend I cheated?

Unfortunately Meghan there isn’t one right answer here. Everyone is different. Some guys would say they would want to know if they were cheated on by their girlfriend. Other guys would say that as long as their girlfriend is no longer cheating they would rather not know.

Our advice: Take a harder look at why you’re behaving the way you’re behaving. We just get this sense from you that you’re uncertain about whether or not you can stop this behavior. And maybe your uncertainty is what’s causing you to feel so guilty about this. Maybe if you trusted yourself and knew that it would never happen again you could move forward in this relationship and chalk up your cheating up to a really bad mistake that you’ll never repeat.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section, and we’ll reply to you here as well.

Good luck. We’re pulling for you no matter what you decide to do.

THE GUYS

ps. We’d love to hear from some of our readers as well. What are your opinions? Meghan would probably appreciate more viewpoints on this.

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

I suggested Friends with Benefits; Did I just dig myself into a hole?

Hey Guys,

So there’s this guy that I’ve known since 3rd grade and we’ve always been really close. He wanted to date me our freshman year in high school but got too scared that it would ruin our friendship and never asked me out. (He still doesn’t know to this day that I know about this.)

I left after sophomore year  when we were 16/17 to move to Boston to become a dancer and now I live in NYC. This past summer I came home. It was three years since I last saw him. (We’re now both 20.) When I saw him this summer we caught  up hung out a couple times and we ended up sleeping together. I left to come back to NYC in september and we’ve been texting ever since.

Now he’s coming to visit. I’m really nervous and I’m wondering if he’s just coming to the city to see the sites and get laid. Or is he actually coming also to see me? I’m from AZ and he still lives there now so it cost a lot for him to buy a plane ticket to come up here. (He even had to borrow money from his dad.)

Does he actually like me and want to see me or is he just excited to come to the city and possibly getting laid is the icing on the cake? To me, spending all that money and getting off work and stuff says something. But maybe I’m just being a hopeful girl. Also could it turn into something more? I know long distance relationships are hard, but would a guy really be willing to do that? I’m so nervous and confused right now. Please help!

Brittany

Dear Brittany,

Thanks for your question. We can see that you’re nervous. That’s pretty normal. You like this guy and would like to see if things can progress beyond a physical relationship. And of course you hope he feels the same way.

It’s hard to say exactly what his motivation for visiting you is. Sex will absolutely be part of his expectation for the trip. His drive to have sex is so intertwined with his excitement to come see you that he’s probably having difficulty separating the two himself. In fact it’s likely he doesn’t even know exactly what’s driving him, and he won’t know until after the two of you have been intimate. (If that’s what you decide to do, which is up to you of course.)

Assuming you decide to sleep with him, pay careful attention to how he acts right AFTER you have sex—especially the first time. And by “right after” we mean, RIGHT AFTER and for the next 8 hrs. (Meaning, until his libido kicks back in. It’s different for every guy.) If he’s distant, or acts differently, you’ll know he’s probably driven mainly by his interest in sex. If he still is happy to be with you, and wants to go out on the town with you, hold your hand, and spend time with you beyond the confines of your bedroom then you’ll know he’s got more on his mind than getting in your pants.

These next four paragraphs are just general information about guys Brittany. They are for your information and for all of the other women who might be reading this. 

Some women believe that making a guy wait for sex is the way you get them to commit. And this may be true for the short term. If a guy wants to have sex with a woman he will do whatever it takes to make it happen, which means acting sweet, giving her presents, and doing all the things that his woman might like him to do. But a guy is still waiting to make his final evaluation until after he has sex with a woman. Meaning, the way he acts BEFORE sex does not determine how he’ll be AFTER sex. For a guy, sex is often needed for him to make a conscious decision about moving forward or not.

But this is tricky. You also can’t secure a guy’s love through sex. So sleeping with a guy to get him to love you or commit to you, will also not work. And in many cases it will push him away. It’s a fine and mysterious balance. We don’t have all the answers.

Finally, wanting sex all the time is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, having a healthy sex life with your partner is a very important piece of an overall healthy relationship. But both parties need to be giving in the bedroom as well. If your guy is not giving in the bedroom this will be a strong indicator of how he is in everyday life.

Bottom line: You have to do what’s comfortable for you. Every relationship is different. But you should never be pressured into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Go with your gut.

Enough on that topic. Moving on.

Yes, guys are willing to try a long distance relationship Brittany. You’ve probably heard that guys are incapable of being faithful in this type of relationship but that’s a crock of crap. It’s just an excuse for guys to be selfish and do whatever they please. Many guys are loyal and faithful. So don’t let that stop you if you believe you and this guy have a chance for something more.

Our advice: Take it slow. Keep your eyes open. Trust your gut. Introduce him to your friends. Listen to your friends’ opinions. And talk to him. Sure we know most people don’t want to show their hand, but in order for a long distance relationship to have any chance at all, it requires a ton of communication from both parties. And when you’re apart, texting is okay, but phone conversations or Skype are best.

Feel free to give us an update and ask us a follow up question. Leave your question in the comments section of this post.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Summer Fling or Boyfriend?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No Boundaries)

Hi Guys,

I just finished university this year and a guy who I had a class with in first semester (Sept-Dec) started messaging me out of the blue back in April just “to say hi.” I was really surprised to hear from him because it was so random, but I did respond and we continued to chat via Facebook until about June. We kept trying to make plans but all the work at the end of the semester it was too much for either of us to get together!

He had a big get together with a lot of his friends on the night of our convocation and he invited me to come out for it. There was a lot of people there but we ended up sitting by ourselves chatting. He also introduced me to his friends when they came over to talk with us. He was supposed to be going away for a month shortly after graduating and while he was gone I was leaving for another two months to travel. Because of that, even though I was interested in him, I didn’t think anything substantial would really develop between us. We have really good chemistry and we had a really fun night and ended up hooking up, which I of course now totally regret.

As it turned out, he ended up breaking his leg and he wasn’t able to go away. So because he didn’t end up leaving he continued to call/text me to hang out. I wasn’t always able to (so I wasn’t always available) and he was pretty consistent and I guess we fell into some sort of ‘friends with benefits’ relationship without me really thinking about what I really wanted. I figured that while I was traveling we would just lose contact.

Just before I left, he texted me that he would miss spending time with me and that he really enjoyed seeing me, which I really appreciated, and I told him that I’d miss him too. While I was gone we still stayed in touch through email and Facebook, which was really nice. We were both pretty consistent about staying in contact.

I came back almost three weeks ago and as soon as he knew I was back he messaged, texted, and called me immediately! I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship I wanted with him—FWB, boyfriend or just platonic—and I did want to talk to him about that, but I was kind of afraid to because I do remember in a conversation we had once he mentioned that he wasn’t sure if he was good boyfriend material. He does confide a lot of very personal info with me and that came up in passing. So at any rate, I haven’t had that conversation with him as of yet. Since I’ve been back we’ve been in pretty regular contact but it feels different, more complacent now. He doesn’t call as much and he tends to stick with texting.

He’s doing his PhD at the moment so he’s pretty swamped with school and he’s not going out as much as he was in the summer. But recently he did go to an event that he told me about but didn’t invite me to. It wasn’t something where tickets had to be bought well in advance because he was trying to get an extra ticket for one of his friends on the day of. I know he’s pretty good friends with his best friend’s girlfriend and sometimes he’ll hang out with her. (I’m quite positive they have a platonic relationship – he’s very loyal to his guy friends so I don’t think there’s intimacy between him and this other girl – she’s crazy about her boyfriend.) So I think in part he might not have asked me to go with him because he might have been going with her already.

I don’t usually initiate getting together with him because he usually does the initiating but since I’ve been back I’ve only seen him twice despite still at least texting each other almost every day. And the last time I hung out with him I initiated the get together. And it was because I’m in the process of moving and I needed a place to crash, and he said I could stay with him. But that night when I was staying with him I was beginning to wonder if he was going to get bored with our relationship and it would fizzle out. I usually just go to his place and hang out with him there when I do see him. So in that regard he isn’t putting as much effort in anymore.

Two friends and I are having a joint birthday party in a couple weeks and so of course I sent out a FB invite to him for the event. (A lot of people are invited, so it is pretty casual.) He said (via text) that it sounded like a night not to be missed.(Implying that he would attend.) But on the FB RSVP he still hasn’t responded and I’m wondering if he is not wanting to commit, or if he’s waiting for something better. I know he’s been online and he knows about the event but hasn’t responded.

So… I’m confused. He seems to be interested in me, he continues to be in contact with me, I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else on the side. (I can pretty much come over when I want, so long as he’s not in class.) And I know he cares about me—he’s told me, and he’s very affectionate with me; he kisses me repeatedly on the forehead & cheek when we’re lying in bed together; and he will hold my hand in public. But on the other hand, I almost wonder if he’s keeping me in the shadows of his life. I’ve only been back a few weeks and I don’t think I’ve given us enough time to really assess the nature of our relationship, especially considering he’s doing his PhD, and I do know he’s swamped. But things are different than before.

What should I make of him?? I’m trying to just let him chase me but at the same time I wonder if he’s bored. If he’s bored wouldn’t he just stop contact completely?

Thanks!

Alice

Dear Alice,

Thanks for your note.

We don’t think the question is whether or not he’s bored. Guys don’t get bored from hanging out and having sex. In fact, a guy could easily stay in a “hang out and have sex” type of relationship for years, especially if he was busy with his career or studies. The problem with this type of arrangement—or we should say, one of the many problems with this type of arrangement—is that it typically never goes anywhere. The guy gets lazier and lazier over time, and starts making less effort to do more than the status quo, and consequently the woman gets more and more frustrated and confused. Eventually it kind of just fizzles away.

Don’t panic yet, Alice. Your situation hasn’t reached these proportions, but it’s headed there fast. We’re sure you’ve read these books that lay out certain rules that women and men should follow when starting a relationship. And while they certainly apply in some cases, each situation is different. In your case, the time to let him do the pursuing is over. You’ve known him over a year, been “hanging out” with him over six months, and you’re still in the exact same place, except now you want to know what’s going on. Well, we can’t blame you.

It’s time to have THE CONVERSATION. Yes, the dreaded conversation that defines what you have together. As uncomfortable as this may be, you need to get some answers from him, otherwise this situation will go on interminably. Because what motivation does he have to change it? He’s pretty much getting what he wants: a nice diversion from his busy life with a sweet and pretty girl. And in fact, the more we think about it the more this guy sounds like a possible player. His comment early on to you—”I’m not really boyfriend material.”—speaks volumes about where he’s at, and it really set the table for the type of arrangement you’re currently in with him.

And this thought just struck us: There’s a big difference between a relationship and an arrangement. One is robust and full of life, and the other is all business. You need to find out which one you’re in. Stop worrying about what he wants, and whether or not he’s going to get bored, and start focusing on what you want. You may not even know exactly what that is until you talk with him. You deserve some answers Alice, but the only way you’re going to get them is to talk to him.

Good luck. We’re hoping this works out the way you want it to. But if not, every relationship you have will better inform you for the future. Just remember to be clear about what makes YOU happy and satisfied.

THE GUYS

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Long distance: Should I pursue?

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

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THE GUYS

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I’d like to understand what happened?

Dear Guys,

About three months ago I started seeing a guy even though we both knew I was moving to England for work at some point. (It wasn’t clear when I’d be leaving. We’re from Canada) I was okay with just a fling because I told myself I would not get attached. He always instigated texting and calling me the entire time. Sometimes it would take him a couple of days to contact me but I would then take the same amount of time to return his text or call, so I know we were both playing it cool, even though we’d still always get together. He would also often invite me out to hang with his friends.

Before I left for England (2 months into our “relationship” – I don’t know what to call it) he would send me funny Youtube links about not going to London, with a little ‘lol’ next to the link. And when I was at the airport ready to go he texted me to say he’d miss spending time with me.

Once I was in England he decided to go to Rome for a vacation by himself. (He arranged this long before we started seeing each other.) He offered to buy me a ticket to visit him for a few days while he was there. Obviously I agreed but because the ticket was more than what we expected I split the cost with him, which was totally fine by me. We had a great time; he always made an effort to hold my hand while we were walking, reach out for my hand at dinner. He was always sweet and respectful. On our last night he really opened up to me about a lot of painful events that happened when he was growing up, much of which I think very few of his friends are aware of and I’m not sure if now he feels he needs to put his defenses up all over again. We both left Rome just over a week ago and since then he hasn’t been initiating contact with me as much as he used to, such as email or instant messaging. He always responds to me if I message him and he’s happy to hear from me, but it bothers me that I’m the one who seems to be doing most of the instigating now. I can’t tell if I should continue to be interested in him. My move isn’t supposed to be permanent though I don’t know how long it will be for, so I don’t want to let go of the relationship potential. But I’m also wondering if he is just not interested anymore…

Thanks!

Sadie

Dear Sadie,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’d be very surprised if he was no longer interested in you. In fact, to us it sounds quite the contrary. Since he opened up to you during your time in Rome together, he may be feeling vulnerable. He probably feels like he’s revealed his true feelings, but he’s not sure where you stand with the relationship. If he’s feeling insecure, this could be the reason he’s pulled away.

We realize your situation is complicated. Adding a long distance component to any relationship only further complicates matters. But both of you have made things even more confusing and complicated by continuing to “play it cool.” Of course we understand why you began the relationship that way. However, the time for playing it cool has long been over. We wish you had discussed your relationship before you left for England, but it’s not too late to begin this discussion now.

So our answer is: Yes, you should pursue the relationship, but only if you really care for this guy. We can’t guarantee that he’ll reciprocate, but based on his actions, he certainly seems very interested. Examples: Haven’t you met his friends? Didn’t he invite you to Rome? And wasn’t he sweet the whole time? And didn’t he confide in you some very personal experiences? And hasn’t he been consistently interested for the last few months? All of these examples say one thing: He’s interested. Unless of course something happened in Rome that you haven’t mentioned. (Something like: Awkward sex? or something in that family.)

So it’s time to let your defenses down and talk to him about how you feel, and what you’re thinking. If he reciprocates you’ll both work together to figure out how to make it work. If he doesn’t, then you no longer need to waste your time worrying whether he really likes you or not. In our eyes, it’s a win-win move, even though we understand it’s never easy to let your guard down.

Last thing: We realize you are in England and he’s in Canada, but even that distance is not impossible to cope with. People have dealt with far worse. And maybe once you square things away, both of you will see this relationship in a different light, and you’ll reevaluate your priorities. (Sometimes people get so stuck in their ways they don’t realize they can do whatever they want with their life, even if it requires swimming against the current.) Love is not something to take for granted. It certainly doesn’t happen every day. So we think you should make it a priority. It’s at least worth exploring.

We wish you the best. Please keep us posted on your situation.

THE GUYS

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Going from ‘friends with benefits’ to a dating relationship

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Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Dear Guys,

Story is that I met this guy three years ago and we had two dates. Then I did the regrettable: I had sex with him. Since then I’ve liked him, but we never got to the stage of it becoming a serious relationship. All he would really call me for is sex. I began to get the hint and I cut him off three times; but yet I find myself missing him and going back. I recently went back like a month ago and we had a long talk on how I didn’t want to have the FWB (Friends with Benefits) relationship. I told him I liked him and that’s the only reason I’ve had sex with him.

We have seen each other twice since then and the second time he unhooked my bra. I knew what he wanted to do but I backed away; and before I left I gave him a hug and then I don’t know what I was thinking but I went in for a kiss and he gave a me a weird look. Now I am officially confused as to what the situation is. And the truth is I really want him to be my boyfriend.

Guys please help me out =(

-Ariie

Dear Ariie,

Thanks for your question.

Your situation is more common than you might think. Women and men often think about sex differently. For you sex with this guy is your way of showing him how much you like him. For him, it could be purely physical.

Guys can easily separate the physical from the emotional. Once the “act” is over, we can easily transition into the next thing: What’s for dinner? What’s on TV? That’s not to say guys are incapable of love. We are certainly capable of love, and want it as much as women. But when it’s not there, we can still have sex just as easily.

It is possible to transition from a “Friends with Benefits” situation to an actual relationship, but we think this guy would have pursued you by now if he wanted more than just sex.

Having said that, we still think you should seek the answers you need. Remember: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Tell him how you feel—again. And tell him what you want. It’s good to be specific. Don’t just tell him the only reason you had sex with him is because you like him. Be straightforward and tell him you want to be in a relationship with him. If he says he’s not interested, you’re no worse off than you are now. In fact better, because you’ll be able to move on to pursue a relationship that might have potential for a future.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Relationship Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter. We just joined the party. @TGPBuzz

Read the script:

We get lots of questions each week on our website. We answer them on the Ask the Guys page, on our podcast, The Guy’s Perspective Podcast on itunes, and soon to be on videos. One of the main questions we get is, “am I getting played?”

Our basic rule is, If you think you’re getting played, it’s likely you’re getting played…….

We believe you need to listen to your gut. It’s telling you something, like it does after you pig out on ice cream and truffles waiting for him to call. He doesn’t call. Unfortunately, he’s out with the cute twins down the street. But those five scoops of double fudge chocolate do taste pretty good going down, but not so good after the hours at the gym required to restore your natural order, although it is nice to catch up on those daytime soaps you missed.

If you’re still fighting your gut, open your eyes and be your own detective. Not a stalker……Not a stalker….. Here are some things to look for.

Does your guy go unaccounted for….hours at a time….or even days?

Is he taking trips with the guys to places like Vegas or Miami Beach, saying he’s going to play the slots, hang with his boys, and just chill? “Chill”

He won’t let you come to his house will he? (no entrance sign) Only meets you at yours. Or at the local dive. Hey, you’re cool. You can hang with the regulars..but not his friends.

What, you haven’t met his friends?

Seriously. You haven’t met his friends?

Is he too busy at work to call you? He only texts you doesn’t he. He won’t friend you on Facebook. Says he’s never on there anyway. Tell that to his two thousand contacts.

Probably forgets about your dates occasionally. Then apologizes profusely. But does it again. And again.

Doesn’t matter. He never has enough money to pay the tab anyway. That’s when he even takes you out. What you don’t like his pirated video collection?

He’s out of town for work a lot isn’t he? But you never seem to get all the details. Just some new embroidered towels and a pack of exotic matches, which he keeps borrowing from you when he stinks up your bathroom….after he shows up around midnight just to “hang out.”

You get the picture. You do get the picture don’t you?

So open your eyes and see what’s in front of you. What’s that? No, sorry you can’t go through his phone. You can’t go through his computer. Remember, you’re not a stalker.

Are you seriously thinking about going through his emails? Stop! You can’t do that. Think about what you’re contemplating. And what are you going to do with the evidence? You can’t use it to fix your relationship. Well, I guess you could use it to expose him on Facebook. Hmmm….that might be useful after all. And he’ll never find out, since he’s never on there anyway.

But really, if you’re contemplating this line of action don’t you think things have already reached the point of no return…like agreeing to a threesome, only to have him fall for number three?

Is this really a relationship you’ve got going? Or some kind of farce…. like an election that needs a recount. Or lip synching. Or some dog that ends in doodle. If you won’t believe your gut then at least believe your friends. They know better than you. But we’ll save that for next time.

Subscribe to our blog, podcast, or You Tube channel. Thanks.

And until next time. Keep those eyes open.

 

 

Possible Porn Addict

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The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Episode 37: Glee, Dunkin Donuts Psychic, Bratz, Slow Jams Contest

Dear Guys,

What does it mean when you are in a casual relationship with a guy and he wants to have nude pics or recordings?  Those could easily get into the wrong hands or be posted on the Net.

Nancy

Dear Nancy,

Thanks for your question.

It means he thinks you’re hot, and that he’s into that sort of thing, and possibly has a porn addiction. And since it is a casual relationship, you’re right to be concerned with the video getting into the wrong hands, or landing on the internet.

Some couples will make videos of themselves for fun, but typically these are made solely for their own viewing pleasure, like their own personal porn movie.

In your case, this video sounds like it’s going to be part of a collection, something this guy watches when he doesn’t have “something or someone” going on. And when it’s over between the two of you, you’ll have no control over what happens to it, or who sees it. Yes, he’s not allowed to do that, but that doesn’t mean he won’t.

We say, it’s best to stay away from this sort of thing, unless you’re in a very committed relationship and/or you’re married.

We’d even go so far as saying, he might already be filming you without you even knowing it. Sorry to creep you out, but this strikes us as a possibility. You might want to chat with him a bit more about this, and let him know where you stand with things.

Keep us posted, and leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

Recent questions: 

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

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Sex after child

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Today’s question:

Dear Guys,

He kept telling me that he wasn’t sure that he was making the right decision and that he was afraid that he might regret this. I didn’t cry, I just kinda remained stoic; and he kept saying, “Don’t act like this. Don’t act like this is not a big deal. This is a big deal. This is not easy for me.” He said that he wants to be everything to me. He said that he wants to be the guy that I want to marry, but he’s just not sure how he feels. Confusing, right?

I guess my question is, is he really unsure or is he trying to make me feel better? Is there any hope that we can get back together? Just some more info, about a month ago, he started telling me that he feels like I’m not in love with him anymore, that something felt off. Nothing was off with me, but I was just going through personal problems. I asked him if he felt that way and was just deflecting, but he said no way. That he knew exactly how he felt for me. And that he was absolutely in love.

What makes a guy be so in love one minute and then just change the next? What the heck happened? Do you think he’ll come back?

LoriAnn

Dear LoriAnn,

It’s obvious he cares about you. And he’s probably really bummed that he doesn’t feel sure about you. But to us it seems like he’s deflecting and trying to put it on you. In general, actions speak louder than words, and he’s choosing to break up with you instead of trying to work things out with you. That is a pretty powerful message.

Guys do get scared about commitment, but if they really are into a woman, they keep that fear to themselves or share it with their buds. They don’t usually break up with a woman, saying they’re not sure how they feel. We’re not usually that stupid.

So to answer your question whether or not he will come back, we can’t really answer that, only ask you whether or not you’ll want him back if and when he decides to come back? And do you really want someone who is so unsure about you and the relationship? (We know he said he’s sure, but then why is he breaking up with you? We doubt it’s because he’s unsure whether or not you love him.) And if that truly is the reason, then you might be dealing with someone a bit too insecure for you.

We know you care for this man, but there are men out there who are certain of what they want and willing to work at the relationship in order to have it.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Help: Sex after child

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Last week’s questions:

Men and their Guy Trips

Did he ever care at all?

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Questions to come:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

Confusion?

Am I being played?

Is he playing me?

Jealousy

Dear Guys,

My husband and I have been together for five years.  We recently had a baby girl.  Things between us started getting pretty bad when I became pregnant, and it seems like its been a steady decline ever since.

Before we became pregnant we had a pretty wild sex life.  I was never the jealous type, and we’ve shared our bed with other women on occasion.
Right around the time that I was 5 months pregnant our sex life came to a halt.  I didn’t know what to think.  He had also gotten a promotion at work that forced him to work crazy hours.  I didn’t know whether it was me and my growing belly that he was uninterested in or just stress from work.  Then I caught him masturbating to porn.  A silly thing that never would have bothered me before hurt me so badly.  I tried to ask him why he wouldn’t just come to me and why he would do that behind my back and he told me that he thought sex with me was “gross” and “creepy” because I was carrying our child.

I became so depressed and jealous, he made me feel so undesirable and made no effort to make me feel otherwise despite my sharing my feelings with him. He stopped telling me I was beautiful, he would come home from work and act like I wasn’t even there, and he would look at porn behind my back.  He rarely showed any concern for my feelings.  He even told me I was crazy because of my hormones.

So I made it through my pregnancy, and was really hoping that things were going to change.  I went right back to my pre-pregnancy shape and weight and really tried to jump start our sex life.  I’ve done everything I could think of; I was even giving him bjs “on demand”.  We have had sex three times in four months.  I find myself fantasizing about other men, having dreams about other men, and the less we are intimate, the more it happens.  His lack of interest in me (but continued interest in masturbating) really pisses me off and it is severly affecting our relationship.  Lately in addition to the lack of sex, there has been a major lack of communication.  It feels like I have to fight with him to get a little conversation going. What is up???

Jensi

Dear Jensi,

Thanks for your question.

We answered this question on our most recent podcast.

But for the record, many men find pregnancy to be very sexy, especially if it’s their own wife.

Please listen for our detailed answer on our podcast.

Episode 32: Money, Food, Couples, and Finance

Thanks,
THE GUYS

ps. Readers, please leave a comment. Your input is helpful to all people visiting this forum. Scroll down to where the same question is displayed in archive. (Right at the top.) Click to leave a comment. Thanks.

Is cheating ex playing me?

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Next Up:

Four years and counting

Did he care at all?

Break up confusion

Dear Guys,

My ex cheated and said he wanted me back, but he barely makes an effort to do so. When I say I don’t want to see him, he goes about his day and doesn’t even try to persuade me to come over to talk. He doesn’t even call. I’ve asked him to go to counseling-he refuses, but continues to ask me out. I tell him we need to fix the root cause of our problems and not ‘bandaid’ everything.

Now he is ignoring me since I wouldn’t meet him at the pub last night, as if he’s punishing me. I love him, but without his cooperation, what else can I do?? Thanks!

Laura

Dear Laura,

Thanks for writing to us.

Unfortunately the answer to your question is nothing. Without his commitment to working on himself and the relationship, your hands are tied.

People have to want to change. They have to want to take the steps necessary to get the things they want. If he’s not working on himself and making some changes then maybe his actions are telling you something.

Sometimes it takes much larger consequences for people to make changes. Maybe he doesn’t feel the need to change because he knows you’re always going to keep giving him chances?

And what about the cheating? Have you found out why he cheated on you in the first place? Has he apologized and asked for forgiveness? Have you seen any remorse from him?

Laura, you have to decide what you want and be clear to yourself and him. If you want him back but only if you go to counseling together, then you need to say that to him. If you want just him to go to counseling then you need to be clear with him. Just be aware if you go this route, you need to be prepared for any possible scenario. And one possible scenario is that he might leave for good.

Our suggestion. Give this some thought and decide what you want out of your relationship. If you feel that the two of you can work something out, and that you can learn to trust him again, then by all means give it a shot. But relationships involve more than one person, and you shouldn’t be doing all the work. Obviously you value your relationship, but does he? We can’t answer that, only you can….and him.

Good luck.

THE GUYS

My old flame: I’d like to try again

Dear Guys,

I’ve been seeing a guy I had a long term committed relationship with again. Okay, here’s the deal….we were together for about 6yrs. I broke up w him as we were both going through some fairly serious “issues/changes”. That was about 6 yrs ago. Recently, about 4mo ago, we got back in touch. We decided to go into a FWB(Friends with Benefits) type relationship as he had ended a 3yr relationship about 5 mo prior. PS-issues have been resolved for both of us… Upon first discussion I said that I would want to know if he were sleeping with anyone else and he stated, “Ignorance is bliss, I don’t want to know.” Well, after about a month he sort of pitched a fit because he “heard I was seeing someone else” and “wanted to see if I would tell him.” HUH?!?! I was not sleeping with anyone else and the problem was talked through.

So, things continue to progress. He began to text me daily and frequently. Now he sleeps over once a week and we do breakfast. We ALSO go out to dinner or I’ll cook. Sometimes we hang out w NO sex. We cuddle and then spoon during sleep. He always kisses me goodbye on the mouth, with hugs, too! We usually see each other 2-4x wkly.

The other day he texted me while I was at work, 15 min after his Gramma passed. He wanted to tell me about his awful day.

At any rate, about a month ago I realized that I had feelings for him again. We have a LOT of history and now that we both have our lives on track, I’m really happy getting to know him again.  I’m about being honest, so I emailed him last week on my way to work one morning and told him this. I don’t want to change anything and I know he’s not sleeping with anyone else. Well, imagine my surprise when he responds with some blather about being sooooo busy and not having time for a “relationship” or to be a real “boyfriend.” (His quotes, not mine) He said I’m obviously more than a FB friend, especially considering our history, but he wants to keep it casual and that I should be honest with myself.

WOW! Considering the way things were progressing, this was NOT the response I was expecting. I was very clear with him in that I don’t want things to change, but it was only fair that I told him about my feelings and that I need a minute to reassess what’s happening between us. He told me to take my time and he would respect whatever I decided. I gave it a week and sent him a casual text saying “hi” which he responded to.

Then (same day), his phone broke and he made it a point to message from FB(Facebook) saying he “was NOT ignoring my texts, if I sent any” and he was hoping for the replacement the next day. We messaged back and forth a bit yesterday and I haven’t heard from him yet today- although it’s not quite 9am! LoL! Now, i just feel strange and unsure of what’s happening…how to progress or if I even should.

At any rate, I’m beyond confused. Any help would be appreciated. BTW, we’re both in our mid 30s. I need an unvarnished opinion from some actual men on this one, please help!

S

Dear S,

Thanks for writing to us.

We can understand how you both wanted to tread lightly at first seeing that you have a history together-one that didn’t work out the first time-and also seeing that you’re both coming out of other relationships. But now that you’re seeing each other so much the lines are blurred, and what seemed to be working for both of you is now only working for one of you.

In some ways his reaction makes sense because he’s already getting all of his needs met. You see him four times a week, and in many ways already act as his girlfriend, but with no real commitment. This is great for him, but a recipe for disaster for you.

Even though this feels complicated, the best thing to do is tell him how you feel. Yes, he may run, but only if he doesn’t feel the same way about you. Lots of women think guys don’t like to pressured. And while that’s true, we’re no different than women in that way. No one likes to feel pressured. But it’s only pressure if we don’t want the thing you’re presenting to us. Example: If you said to him, “I really want to have sex with you a lot.” Do you think he would feel pressure? Absolutely not! He would say, “Bring it on.”

So be straight with him. Tell him how you feel and that you’d like to give it another try, if that’s what you really want.

You won’t get him back by acting all casual and pretending that things are cool the way they are. Too many people try this approach only to be resentful later. Don’t sell yourself short. Go for what you want. If it doesn’t work out you’ll have no regrets. And if he says no, then you’ll be free to find someone else who values who you are and wants to be with you.

Good luck.

THE GUYS

Relationship Questions and Answers

The latest relationship question is up on The Guy’s Network.

Am I being played: What’s his game?

We answer relationship questions with thoughtful and honest opinions. Please feel free to leave us a note with your question on the “Ask the Guys” page, or give us a call at: 347-855-GUYS.

We do our best to address each question on our podcast, but due to the volume of questions it’s not always possible to answer each one.

Also check the “Ask the Guys” page for the archive of questions we’ve answered over the years. We may have already addressed a similar question. And at the end of each post there are many comments. Be sure to read them all. Our readers are very insightful and to the point.

Our next podcast episode is coming this Sunday or Monday.

TGP Episode 28: Parenting, Celebrities, Privacy in Public Places?

What’s a Dipthong? It’s much more than the sum of its parts. (Dip + Thong does not equal Dipthong.)

We move into The Truth where Cucch typically has had a hard time fooling Sae. Today’s stories are all about celebrities and their foibles. Cucch shares stories about Jack LaLanne, Ernest Borgnine(See Video), and Joan Rivers. Try to figure it out along with Sae.

We move to Father Stories where Sae shares two stories about his own kids. In one story he emerges victorious, and the other one he tastes the agony of defeat. Isn’t this parenting gig great? (By the way, please check out Sae’s other podcast “The Parent Gig” on The Guys’ Network dot com.

We move to Valentine’s Day and all the expectations that come with that special day.

In the Ask the Guys segment we answer questions from:

Sherry: Am I addicted?

Leanora: Does the high school guy like me?

Rebecca: Am I booty call?

We finish with THE MEAT. Should we be able to expect privacy in a public place? What do you think? Cucch and Sae don’t necessarily see eye to eye.

Please get in the running to win two flash drives loaded with all of our podcasts. One for you and one for a friend. Leave us a five star review on itunes and get your name put in a hat-a real one-to win.

Thanks for listening. We appreciate your support and contributions to the show!

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Am I being played?- Part 2: A short manual

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.

We get tons of questions about “getting played.” We’re going to keep this short and sweet and address them all at once. If you think you’re getting played, and your friends think you’re getting played, it’s likely you are getting played.

You’ve heard the expression, “Things aren’t what they seem.” Well that is true in many cases. But in relationships, things are sometimes just as they seem.

Here are some obvious red flags to consider.

1. Doesn’t return phone call.

2. Returns phone call a week later.

3. Only texts or calls when (he/she) wants to come over and, um…”Hang Out.” Translate: Have sex.

4. Blows you off, then starts dating someone else, only to come running back to you, after they break up.

5. Ignores you when you’re with a group of people, but then totally changes when you’re alone.

We’re just getting the list started. Please add your own here and help a friend, or even someone that you don’t know.

THE GUYS


Long term feelings?

Dear Guys,

I went on a trip to Europe this summer  to visit my family, like I do every year. My last week there I met someone who I used to know when I was a little girl. We hung out with a group of friends for three days and we all instantly became like family. This guy and I became obsessed with each other for those three days and instantly decided to keep in contact. We  promised to see each other before next summer.

It’s been two months since we’ve seen each other now and we’re both going back to the same place we were this summer for New Year’s Eve to see each other. We talk every couple of days, sometimes once a week but when we do he always tells me “I need you, I need you”

Before we said our goodbyes this summer he said, “What am I going to do without you for a whole year?” He also said, “Don’t find anyone else.” We’ve talked about his past relationships and he’s never been with a girl for more than 2 months.  I also get bored of guys very easily and I’ve never been with someone for longer than 2 months also.

From a guys perspective, do you think this affection will last for him? We only knew each other for three days but I feel like I’ve known him for so long.

Dora

Dear Dora,

Thanks for writing to us. Interesting question.

Your behavior in the past doesn’t necessarily determine how this new situation will go. Just because the two of you get bored with other people doesn’t mean you’ll get bored with each other. When it’s right, it’s right.

However, it’s way too early to know whether it is in fact, “right.” You need to spend considerably more time with him, and more consistent time with him to really know how you’ll feel. Seeing him periodically for a few intense days won’t tell you much about having a long term relationship with him. Long distance relationships are full of longing, and heightened feelings. You need to see how it is on a more day-to-day basis.

But Dora, you’re off to a great start. You’ve found someone you really like that you connect with; and the feeling’s mutual. That doesn’t happen every day. So go with it. See where it takes you. And enjoy the ride. Keep your wits about you, but don’t over think things. If you like each other after the next meeting, plan another one. Just take it a step at a time.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Readers: If you have any relationship questions or just general questions about guys, drop us a line on the Ask the Guys page here on our website. We’ll either answer you on our blog or on our podcast.

If you haven’t listened to our podcast, check it out on the podcast page, or subscribe through itunes or Zune. And spread the word to your friends. Thanks!!