TGP Podcast Ep.44 The Vegetarian Episode

TGP Ep44 The Vegetarian Episode               
[display_podcast]
Sorry, no tofu recipes here.  (Although Cucch has some good ones)  We just mean that this is our first episode without our main segment “The Meat”  Instead we bring you a tasty audio buffet including”

Sai’s daughter discovers the joy of the Mall and we reminisce about candy shops and penny candy.

Are We the Only Ones?: Is it just us or could “back to school” not come quick enough?

First World Problems: This is a new segment highlighting what Urban Dictionary defines as:   Problems from living in a wealthy, industrialized nation that third worlders would probably roll their eyes at.
Here is an example:  “I had to flush the toilet before I used it  cause the water I was about to poop in wasn’t clean enough”
You can find a wealth of these sayings by following the Twitter hashtag #FirstWorldProblems or at http://www.reddit.com/r/firstworldproblems/

Ask the Guys: We field four great relationship questions from you our listeners.

Jennifer  “I don’t want to be a homewrecker…”
Jax  “Are we Friends with Benefits or is this a relaionship?”
PR Sawyer  “Is it normal for a man to act this way?”
Melissa  “Help!  I’m lost.”

As always if you have any comments, kudos or criticisms let us know.  You can also share your stories in any of our segments including:
Pet Peeves
Father Stories
Are We the Only Ones
Youth is Wasted on the Young
The Truth
Stream of Consciousness
Ask the Guys
Call our voicemail line any time 24/7 at 347-855-GUYS (4897) or click the Contact Us
tab on The Guys Perspective website.

Four years of confusion

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating Older Men

Getting Played: Trust your Gut

Getting Played: Listen to your friends

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.)

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

My boyfriend used to date one of my friends

Getting over him still

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Dating divorced guy who is still in pain

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Breakup then friends: What’s he thinking?

Break up confusion: Why did you do this?

Hello Guys,

Hopefully I won’t make this too long but here goes. I’m a junior in college and I have been dating the man I love for about four years now. He left to go to another city about 6 hours away from our home town to study art. I stayed here in town because one of the best programs for my major is at one of the state schools right here. About two years ago we decided a long distance relationship wasn’t the best idea. There was no one “else” in either one of our lives, but with new experiences we didn’t know where we were headed. We decided to continue “dating” though.

I dedicate myself to my education and the vice presidency of my sorority fully. I don’t blame him for doing what is best for him and leaving, nor has he ever criticized me for staying behind for my best interests. He graduated last year and has stayed where he went to school to work and pay off his school loans.

We have always communicated on a daily basis and make it a point to spend time with each other when given any opportunity to do so. We have always talked about the future, including children and marriage.

This past Christmas, he asked me to move in with him once I’ve completed my degree. I agreed. However, that was the last time I physically saw him. Between school getting more and more intense, clinical rotations, and summer courses, I haven’t been able to visit him. He also has not been able to come home due to a recent surgery.

Just last night he told me precisely this: “I never want to hurt you, so I think it’s fair I tell you that I’m seeing someone now. I can only blame it on the distance and the time we’ve had apart. It’s been so long since I’ve last been with you and right now, it’s uncertain when we’ll get the opportunity to see each other again and that alone hurts me. I don’t want that for us. If it ever happens between us, I will welcome it with the love I have for you. But for now I gotta do me. It hasn’t been anything serious with her and I don’t expect you to say anything about this, but I want you to understand that this doesn’t change how I feel about you. I’ll always love you. But apparently, we just can’t be together right now. Maybe some day. I love you and it’s killing me to never see you. It just isn’t fair to both of us. I still love you. I just can’t do this right now.”

I trust him, and I also give him props for telling me the truth. But it tears me to shreds to hear this. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this from him however. It has actually been a REALLY long time since we’ve had that conversation. It always seems to eventually rub off within a couple of weeks or months, whether there is someone else or not, and we’re back to normal and dandy all over again.

With that said, I guess my question is: Why love me and be with someone else? Is he just leaving me out to dry for later use, or does he see what I see for us someday?

I could never bring myself to do such a thing as see someone else when he has my heart. Four years is a long time and I honestly can’t see a future without him in it. But I also don’t want to be waiting around for his new-found fling to get “serious” all of a sudden.. though it has never happend, yet..

I’m so sorry for the novel!! However, please explain.

Thanks,
Marie

Dear Marie,

Thanks for your question.

We applaud your focus and dedication when it comes to your studies. Getting your career in place should be your number one goal right now. We hope you complete your course load, and establish yourself in the working world before you make any decisions about your relationship. Once you do that, you’ll be negotiating from a place of strength and security when it comes to figuring this relationship out. That may sound business-like, but it’s important for both of you to feel equally strong as you move forward.

As far as this other woman goes: We think it’s pretty selfish on his part. The relationship doesn’t sound serious, so we don’t think you need to worry about that, but he shouldn’t say all the things he’s saying to you, and still be sleeping with some other woman. Because what’s really going on? Yep. He wants sex. And if he can’t get it with you, he’s decided to get it from someone else until he can be with you. (If you believe he truly wants to be with you.) Also, what about this other woman? We wonder what he’s saying to her if he’s telling you he loves you? In our opinion he’s treating both of you disrespectfully and no matter how you slice it, it feels wrong.

Sure, guys want sex as much as they can get it, especially a young guy like your boyfriend. But so do women. So does everyone. But some people, like you for instance, are able to keep the larger picture in mind, and not act on every impulse or desire. He thinks since he’s been upfront with you that he’s free and clear, and absolved from any wrong doing. However, no such luck. It doesn’t work that way. If he wants to be single and have the freedom to act any way he wants, then by all means he has the right to do that. But if he chooses to be single and see other people, he can’t still keep you on the hook, string you along, and ask you to move in with him. He only gets to do one or the other, but not both. And that’s exactly what his speech to you is all about—keeping you in the fold while he explores other possibilities.

So Marie, you have to figure out how you want to address this issue. If you let it go and tell him it’s fine, even if you end up together, some other situation will come up where he’ll display his selfishness. You say it’s happened before, which means there is a pattern here—although the sample is kind of small. But this needs to be nipped in the bud now. We’re not telling you what to do because obviously you two have a strong connection, and you know better than us. We’re just presenting the picture from our perspective so you can see it with a bit more objectivity.

Here’s a test: It would be interesting to see how he would react if you told him exactly what he’s telling you. We doubt very highly he would be open and supportive of you and your needs if you started seeing some other guy.

One more point. Remember, you were still in high school when you met this guy. We know you love him dearly, but people change and evolve throughout their teens and twenties. In fact, we hope people never stop evolving throughout their lives. So consider keeping yourself more “open” as you embark on all the exciting new experiences life has to offer: school, career, a new city, and definitely new people.

We know you’ll figure this out Marie. We hope this helps you a little.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook and YouTube.

 

 

 

 

Dating problems: I keep wanting to leave

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Recent questions:

I’m with someone who has feelings for their ex

Age gap in my relationship; lack of trust

Confusing friendship; will this guy follow through?

A confused girl; the prom

Boyfriend who has a history of doing unsavory things

Being played by my woman?

How does he like to be licked? and… Am I too controlling?

Possible Porn Addict

We met and then I left the country

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Episode 37: Glee, Dunkin Donuts Psychic, Bratz, Slow Jams Contest

 

Dear Guys,

Okay, so I’m not sure if this is something I should ask you or not but I really need some help. I really really like a guy before a relationship but then once I start dating the guy, it’s like I don’t want him anymore and I have no idea why. Like I’m always wanting to break up with my boyfriend and not wanting to spend time with him anymore once I have him. Can you please tell me why this might be?

Kay Kay

Dear Kay Kay,

Thanks for your question.

Are you sure you’re not a guy? Sorry, just kidding. We couldn’t help it. You see, that sounds more like a typical guy issue than a woman’s.

We think you’re right to question what’s going on with you, especially since this seems to be a pattern. We’re guessing this has more to do with you, rather than the guys you are with. Although, if the same pattern occurs over and over, you could also be choosing the same sort of guy, which is why you seem to behave the same way once you get him. Maybe some part of you is saying, “this guy is not right for me.” But no matter what it is, the issue originates with you.

Not to get too psychological on you, because we are not psychologists, psychiatrists, or doctors, but we do know that past events impact present day behaviors. Can you think of any event, or series of events that might be playing a part in your inability to commit, and feel happy in a relationship?

We also know that primary relationships with parents and siblings can also shape the way a person interacts with friends, and members of the opposite sex. You might want to explore those past relationships as well.

The reason for all this probing is not to offer you an excuse for what’s going on, but maybe help you pinpoint where and when the issue originated, and then you might be able to give it a “name or a face.” However, once you do that, it’s up to you to work on changing the way you behave. Obviously you have some kind of fear that you’re battling. We’re not sure what it is. Fear of rejection. Fear of being stuck. Fear of making wrong decisions. That’s up to you to figure out. But whatever the fear is you need to face it head on and figure out what’s going on.

You seem like a very reflective person Kay Kay and that’s a great start. Keep trying to figure this out. You might want to seek a more professional opinion to help you sort this out.

Hope this helps.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And leave us a follow up comment. Feel free to ask another question anytime. Subscribe to our blog feed or podcast feed. Thanks!

 

A confused girl; the prom

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Recent questions:

Prom

Deleting Friendship on Facebook

Did I make a mistake by leaving him?

Not sure if he’ll commit

Love or friendship?

Friends with benefits

Am I being used?

Online dating question

I’m with someone who has feelings for their ex

Age gap in my relationship; lack of trust

Confusing friendship; will this guy follow through?

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

Before I start my explanation I just want to say I’m sorry for how long this might end up being but I feel you must know certain things to understand everything. In other words this is going to be one hell of an explanation.

So there’s this guy that I’m friends with. I’ve known him for 5 years and I’ve liked him for a while now. I think it was a year or two ago he had said that he didn’t like me the way I liked him. I told him.(Which I feel like I shouldn’t have). We’re still close friends and we hang out and we can pretty much tell each other stuff. He also acts very differently with me than the other girls. My friends think he’s a flirt and a jerk but they don’t really know him like I do.

Just last summer when we were hanging out and we were dared to kiss—well actually make out. At first he didn’t want to because I could tell he felt a little awkward. However in the end we did kiss and not just once but twice—both a dare and the second time longer than the first. And after our make out session he had told me that he was “wooded.” (In other words, he was turned on but he said he didn’t know why for it doesn’t always happen.)

Also, about a month ago I was going to ask him to prom. In our conversation before I asked him he said he didn’t want to go. That’s when I said well I would’ve gone with you just as friends if you wanted. I then found out later from him that he had decided to go to prom so I was going to ask him by actually asking the question but we got interrupted. So instead I decided to use my drawing talent and draw his favorite football player catching a ball in the endzone with “prom” in the football. I guess I waited too long to ask because when I asked him he said “sorry but I already have a date.” But he still wanted to keep the picture. (I heard that he said it was special to him.)

Before prom I took a picture with him in which he held me tightly around the waist. After the picture, he did seem to let go of me slowly and when he let go completely our hands brushed. He then put his fingers slightly in between my own to interlock them slightly. I was surprised by his unexpected touch and as I responded the girl who asked him to prom called him over and that ended. Then at prom I’d be dancing with my friends then he’d appear somewhere near me. No matter where I went he was always there. I did dance with him once, in which we were very close to each other. But that as well was interrupted by his date who was calling him over to take a group picture that she was paying for. When she called him he seemed to not hear her though she wasn’t far and everyone could hear her. Then when he did hear her he was unsure/confused on what to do, for he hesitated in letting my waist go, and he let go slowly saying “sorry”. We didn’t dance again after that for he didn’t want to be disrespectful to his date.

What I’m confused about is well everything he has done. He says he doesn’t like me but we kissed; he didn’t have to but did and seemed to enjoy it because apparently that doesn’t always happen. And what was that before and at prom? Was that hand thing an accident and I’m just thinking too much? Why did he let me go slowly twice? And why was he always dancing with his date somewhere next to me? What the hell do I do?! I’m soo confused. Does he like me or not? Help me please!

Sincerely,
Carly, A very confused 18 yr old girl

P.S. Again I’m so sorry this is ridiculously long and detailed.

 

Dear Carly,

Thanks for your question. We don’t mind long and detailed at all. It gives us more information to formulate an opinion.

Your guy sounds as confused as you are, but a lot of it is his age. Teenage guys are especially “all over the place.” His hormones are going nuts; he’s surrounded by cute girls; he and his friends are competing; and he’s trying to keep it all together and look cool. And it isn’t possible.

Yes, you’re getting mixed signals, but we think you have to listen to what he’s saying. We understand the two of you had a moment, and it’s obvious he enjoyed himself, but that doesn’t mean he wants anything more than that, especially since he said he didn’t. “Getting wood” as you say, could happen just as easily while walking down the hallway at school, as it can making out with a girl. We’re not saying he wasn’t turned on by your “session” but just that the two things—physical contact and emotional bonds—are not necessarily linked for teenage guys. (Or for any guy for that matter.)

It also seems to us that if he was really into you the way you’re hoping, he would have asked YOU to the prom, instead of keeping his options open and then going with the first person who asked him. And that would explain why he might have been flirting with you at the dance. It’s likely he wasn’t way into his date. She asked, and he accepted. Simple as that. So he was letting you know that even though he was at the dance with her, he was not “taken.”

But Carly, just because he’s still available doesn’t mean he’s waiting for you, or that you’ll be happy if you ended up with him. We think he has some growing up to do. If it doesn’t bother you too much, why don’t you stay friends with him and just see what happens? Maybe in a few years he’ll mature and realize what a wonderful catch you are. But our gut tells us if something happens now, which it certainly could, it will be short lived and you’ll be more confused, and possibly resentful and hurt when it ends.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up comment, either with new information, another question related to this, or your thoughts.

Here’s another post you might find interesting. Check it out.

Do looks matter?

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. One comment you said struck a funny chord with us: you said he didn’t always get “wood” when he made out. Is it possible he’s gay? We’re just wondering. That might explain some of the other inconsistencies as well. Of course we’re just sayin’. It crossed our mind so we figured we’d throw it our there.

Please let your friends know about us. Subscribe to our blog feed and/or podcast feed. And join us on Facebook.

Confused single mom meets free-spirited guy

More questions to check out: 

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

The Gym Guy: Is he interested?

Sex after child

Is he playing me?

Dating and Deployment: Should I start a relationship?

Dear Guys,

First of all I am 23, divorced with two kids. I left my ex because he was a liar and a cheater. When I was 17 before I met the father of my children I liked this guy from the moment I saw him. I made it clear to some mutual friends I liked him. Finally he asked me to hang out and I went to his house. I was surprised that he put the moves on me right away. We had sex all night and into the morning. We hung out one more time and it seemed to me that we had this amazing connection- both mental and physical. Then he just blew me off and I was devastated.

Then last July I was out with a girl friend and ran into him. He grabbed me hugged me and said he had been thinking about me and dreaming about me and was surprised to see me. He pulled me outside and we talked about life for a long time. I could tell he was very genuine and he apologized for hurting me before. He called the next week and we hung out at a concert. Then he invited me to his house. I went, and of course we started messing around but he did not try to have sex with me. Instead I pushed him to it.

After that we went camping together and he was very sweet and romantic. We spent a couple of nights or one night a week with him and hung out at concerts for 4 months but we never discussed what we were. So I gave him space and he gave me mine. Then we both had some jealousy issues and he stopped hanging out with me.

I told him I thought he was amazing and that if he didn’t want me getting attached he should have never held my hand at night and kissed my forehead or played love songs on his guitar. He said he wanted to take it slow. Now five months later he is talking to me and we started sleeping together again. Once again we have not discussed us. I am afraid to ask because I feel like he is scared of his feelings for me. When we spend time together I can say I have never been happier with any other man. I feel like we are meant for each other and when we lay together in bed the feelings are so overwhelming I almost cry.  What should I do? I feel like he is just young and needs time to come around! He is fine with my kids and very loving to them. I told him that I fell for him before I had kids. And I said to him that if he didn’t feel the same he should treat me like he is treating me.

He must know what he is doing to me? How can I tell this boy how I feel without scaring him away? He is the free spirited type likes to stay busy camping, hiking, and snow boarding.

Thanks,

Anias

Dear Anias,

Thanks for writing to us.

So let’s get this straight. You’ve met a guy you really like but he’s giving you mixed signals and you’re not completely sure where he stands? Also, you’re not sure if you have a relationship with him, or if he’s just having fun?

You don’t say how old he is but we’ll assume he’s around your age, which puts him at 23. That’s pretty young for a guy to be ready to jump head first into a somewhat complicated situation, which yours is. He may be great with your kids, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to be a parental figure. So regardless of how he may or may not feel about you, you bring more variables into a relationship than the typical 23 year old woman. That doesn’t mean that there are no guys ready to take on a single mom with two kids, it just means that most guys at 23 won’t be ready.

It sounds like you have a very strong connection with this guy and that’s a wonderful thing. But make sure these feelings are based on more than sex, because you have two beautiful children that are your first priority. Whomever you bring into the fold needs to be a great role model for your kids, as well as a wonderful partner for you. This boy(your words)sounds like a lot of fun. But hanging out with him from time to time doesn’t paint the entire picture. You need to consider seriously what kind of partner he might be for the long haul, especially since you want someone who’s going to be a solid and consistent presence for your kids.

If you truly feel like you love this boy what do you have to lose by telling him how you feel? Giving him space isn’t giving you any answers. You’re catering to him and making it easy for him. Right now he is doing whatever he wants, and then when the mood hits him, he gets to have you too.  This scenario doesn’t seem to benefit you very much.

If you tell him how you feel and he freaks out then you’ll have your answer. However he responds you’ll know more than you do now. Don’t be afraid of information Anias. It’s better than ignoring the situation because you’re scared of what might happen. If he’s not ready then it’s time to move on, even if it’s very sad. In the end it will be better for you.

We’re sorry this is so confusing and hard. And we wish you the best.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Jealousy: Friends of the opposite sex

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Consider a donation to The Guys. We put a lot of time into giving thoughtful and informative answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

This Week’s Questions:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

The Gym Guy: Is he interested?

Sex after child

Is he playing me?

Dating and Deployment: Should I start a relationship?

Questions to come:

Break up confusion?

Cheating?

Confused single mom

Am I  being played?

Vegas Trip?

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for many years off and on. This time around (which is the last time) we are both making the effort and planning towards marriage.  A tentative date is set (2012) but no ring yet.  It is my belief that it’s not official until a ring is on my finger.

Now to my question.  What should I think about him when he thinks I’ve slept with every one of my guy friends? And he does not believe me when I say that I have not.  Actually, I have not.  As I said before, we have been together for many years.  This is the first time he has ever questioned my faithfulness or truthfulness.  He said he is willing to work through this with me but I believe this is an attack on my character to the highest point.  From my perspective, I have done nothing with other men while with him.  Even my regular guy friends he is confident that I have f*** them!

What should I make of this?

Diane

Hi Diane,

Thanks for writing to us.

The fact that he doesn’t trust you is a problem, and a big red flag. Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship, and if it’s not there you have to figure out why it isn’t, or what happened to it, and try to inject it back into your relationship.

Maybe your man has always been this way and you just didn’t notice it; and now his insecurities are getting the best of him. If this is true, he’s unlikely to change. If not, and this is truly new behavior on his part, you need to figure out why he’s started to feel and act this way.

Is there a reason he all of a sudden thinks you’ve slept with your friends? You say you’ve never done anything, so why is he so jealous? Like we said, if he really has always been this way, but you’re just noticing it now, or it’s just starting to bother you now, then it’s a real problem. But if something happened that is now causing him to be suspicious of you, please get to the bottom of it. Talk to him. Find out what’s really going on.

Some thoughts about friends of the opposite sex for all readers.

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, but you have to tread carefully. Going out on the town, or to bars, or to dinner, or doing things that typically you’d do with your spouse or boyfriend is not really okay. Also having close emotional bonds with other men(for women), and women(for men) can also be a problem; like having a friend of the opposite sex you confide in, and talk to about things you can’t or won’t talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about. Some women-and men-think this is okay, but the best test is the reversal test. How would you feel if your partner was confiding in one of their friends, and talking about your relationship, or talking intimately with some other person and not you? It’s likely you wouldn’t like it so much.

We’re absolutely not saying being in a relationship should restrict a person from having friends of the opposite sex, but we are saying, always be respectful and consider your partner’s feelings. And ask yourself, is your behavior truly being respectful of your partner?

You don’t give us enough information Diane, but the man in your life should feel like he’s the most important person in your life, and he should make you feel the same way. Neither of you should have to compete with each others friends.

However, if you can’t think of any good reason that he might be jealous, then this could potentially be an issue for both of you. Without trust, relationships eventually fall apart.

Good luck to both of you.

THE GUYS

Dating and Deployment: Should I start a relationship?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Consider a donation to The Guys. We put a lot of time into giving thoughtful and informative answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

This Week’s Questions:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

The Gym Guy: Is he interested?

Sex after child

Is he playing me?

Last week’s questions:

Men and their Guy Trips

Did he ever care at all?

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Questions to come:

Break up confusion?

Cheating?

Confused single mom

Am I  being played?

Vegas Trip?

Dear Guys,

So for the past few months I have been talking to this guy I met about 4 years ago. I had really liked him at that time but we were in high school and lived in two different states. But I recently found out he now lives near me. But he is in the army now and is about to be deployed again. I really like him and we  plan on going to dinner when I get home soon-I’m in college on the other side of the state. But since he is leaving he doesn’t want to hurt me.

I am just wondering if when I go see him should I try and see what he wants or should I just not even try and see if there is a future for us? I really like him and he really likes me, but since he is being deployed again that just creates another issue.

What should I do? Thanks for your help.

Dominique

Dear Dominique,

Thanks for writing to us.

We can see your dilemma. Long distance relationships are hard enough, but when someone is deployed in another country it’s a whole other matter.

However, these types of relationships can work, but both people need to be fully committed to the other person, and to the relationship. This requires a huge amount of faith, trust, and communication. Since you won’t be able to see each other unless he comes home on leave, the two of you will have to rely on other means of connecting. And even though we’ve railed on texting as a poor substitute for talking, in your case you’re going to have to use any means you can to keep connected emotionally.

Try texts, emails, phone calls, hand written letters, presents, etc.

So yes Dominique, you should do what your heart tells you to do, and hopefully his heart is telling him the same thing. Both of you need to be on the same page here or it won’t work.

No one would choose this situation, but if you care enough about each other you can make it work. So why not go for it?

Visit “E” a friend of THE GUYS to get the inside scoop on dating and deployment:

Adventuresofstartingover.blogspot.com

Good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. If you do decide to go for it, try and find a support group of other girlfriends, and/or wives that are in the same boat as you. That might help, and we know they’re out there.

You could even start one of your own in your town, or online as a blog.

Did he ever care at all?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

However, we will give priority to any question accompanied by a small donation. Click the Paypal button to the right to support the guys. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

Monday’s Question:

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Last week’s questions:

Is cheating ex playing me?

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Relationship Advice: Committed or not committed?

Four Years of Mixed Messages

Dear Guys,

So long story short. After 9 months of being friends with a guy I finally got the nerve to tell him I liked him. I was tired of him staring at me and acting awkward, not knowing where we stood. We have hooked up but it wasn’t until after about 5 months and we still spoke after.

Any way I said that to him because I didn’t want to have any regrets. His answer was, “It’s okay. Listen, we did what we did. No one got hurt. It’s not  awkward at work. No one had to break up. And I’m moving to Canada next year(hockey).” I just said I understood. And like I said it was just something I wanted to say even though I knew what he was going to say.

I need to move on. But the whole time we were friends both of us had fun, got along, weren’t too clingy, and always gave ample space to have our own lives. So I just don’t fully get his answer. Did he care at all about me? I would rather be told “I don’t like you” vs having someone show me all signs pointing to caring about me but then saying that.

I know this is silly but it’s bugging me a little. I don’t know if this matters but last year he had a crappy breakup and was dumped.

Thanks for your help!

Blake

Dear Blake,

Thanks for writing to us. Your question is not silly. We totally understand how you might be feeling.

Let’s discuss the hooking up part first from a guy’s perspective.

Maybe this is true for women too, but a guy can separate sex and emotion pretty easily. Meaning, just because a guy wants to have sex with a woman, and is physically attracted enough to do that, doesn’t necessarily mean he wants anything more. He might want more, but having sex isn’t how he would show that. (He would show it by taking the woman out to dinner, giving her presents, and introducing her to all his friends and family.)

And we see this all the time. A man and woman are hanging out enjoying each others company over a course of months. They act like boyfriend and girlfriend, but nothing has actually been discussed about it. The woman starts to feel like something is developing beyond friendship and the man isn’t thinking that at all. (It could be reversed as well, but not as common because women express themselves more than guys do, so a guy would more likely know where he stood with a woman.) Anyway, once “hooking up” is added to the equation the waters get very murky, and now you have a situation like you’re facing.

It’s not that he’s blowing you off, or that he didn’t care about you, it’s just that the two of you never really talked about it. So it seems like all of a sudden the two of you are 180 degrees apart, when actually it may have been that way from the start.

If you truly don’t want to have any regrets you need to talk to him more. Don’t pretend this doesn’t bother you when it does. And don’t try to be cool. You won’t get what you want from life by being cool. You will get what you want by speaking up and going for it. It’s obvious you’re into this guy, so tell him what you really want. What’s the worst that could happen? He moves to Canada without you like he was going to do anyway.

We know this is hard Blake, but that’s what we think you should do. At least you’ll get the answer you’re looking for. And you know what? It’s possible after talking to him, something might develop. You won’t know until you go for it 100%.

Good luck. We wish you well.

Take care,

THE GUYS

Relationship Advice: Committed or uncommitted?

Next up:

Hot or Not?

Is cheating ex playing me?

Does he have a girlfriend?

Read some of our archives: Girlfriend Potential

Dear Guys,

I don’t understand why guys who are in a committed relationship say to uncommitted females “if I wasn’t taken, I would be interested in pursuing you.” there is no guarantee of that ever coming to pass at any point in time.

Tammy

Dear Tammy,

Thanks for your question. This is probably something that would interest a lot of women.

First of all, by speaking with you in this way, he’s being disrespectful to the woman he’s currently seeing. Can you imagine your boyfriend going around telling the girls he’s attracted to, “If I wasn’t in a relationship, I would be pursuing you.” This is a red flag, and probably someone to stay away from. He’s likely a player, or sometimes called a Playa. If he’s saying this to you, he’s saying it to many women, and things wouldn’t be any different if you were actually his girlfriend.

Now for a softer evaluation. A guy might be in a rocky relationship, or one that he doesn’t feel too secure about, and this might be a reason he says this to another woman. He wants to keep his options open so he doesn’t miss out on any great opportunities as his other relationship falls apart. However, once again, we prefer guys to man up and end one relationship before they start the next. However, we do understand that life is messy, and sometimes it doesn’t always work out that way.

Our take: proceed with major caution on this one.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Readers: Leave us a note here and ask us a question. Relationship questions, or general questions about guys/men.

He hides our relationship

Dear Guys,

So I’ve dated this guy for a while now, and it’s been a known fact between us that he doesn’t want anyone to know we’re dating. I was fine with it for a while but it started bothering me. I try to get into conversations with him about it and ask him why he doesn’t want anyone to know, but he never really answers, he just changes the subject. I know I might just be acting sensitive but it kind of feels like he’s ashamed of being my boyfriend which hurts. I’ve asked my friends and they constantly say break up with him, while others say he’s just being protective. I doubt the latter since when his friends or other guys flirt with me, he just stands there and acts like it’s not happening. Why does he act the way he does and should I break up with him?

June

Dear June,

Thanks for writing. We haven’t seen this type of situation in a long time. We can see how this would be hurtful to you. We’re sorry.

Unfortunately we don’t have good news for you. We can’t think of any positive reason he would want to hide this relationship. When people are happy to be with someone they typically want to tell the world. Sure, sometimes people hide things from their parents if they know they might not approve, but they certainly wouldn’t hide it from their friends.

As far as him being protective, it’s unlikely. That really doesn’t make any sense to us. Protective from what? If he was being protective he would be acting completely the opposite. He would want EVERYONE to know because he’d be claiming his territory. If he was being protective he wouldn’t let you leave his side, and he wouldn’t want other guys to talk with you or interact with you. (That wouldn’t be good either.)

June, we like to give answers that help people figure things out for themselves, but we don’t see this relationship going anywhere, and frankly it doesn’t sound like it’s good for your self-esteem. You need to take care of yourself, and make sure the relationships you pick boost your self-esteem, and energize, and empower you, not make you feel worried and insecure.

We hope this helps you put things into perspective.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

We work hard to give thoughtful responses to your questions. Support the guys. Consider a donation. Thanks!

Long distance relationship

Dear Guys,

I have been dating this guy that lives in AZ for the last 4 months. I’m in California. We get alone well and seem to enjoy each other’s company when we get together almost every other weekend.

But now I’m not seeing him for a month. So I like to talk on the phone every day. For me it helps keep us closer. Lately he hasn’t been very crazy about talking too much or too long. I understand because sometimes we talk at 1am-2am.

So I guess I would like to know how to approach this and what kind of ideas you have to make this time apart more fun. Or give some suggestions on ways to cope with the distance.  In a way, I guess more for me, since I seem to be the one who he needs more reinforcement with love or attention. This is hard at times, but when we see each other it’s good and worth it…thank you!

Patricia

Dear Patricia,

Thanks for writing.

Long distance relationships, are by nature more difficult than a regular relationship. Both people have to be even more diligent about keeping in close contact and being sensitive to the other person’s needs. Otherwise the bond can lose some of its elasticity.

Insecurities can also mount for one person or both, because the comfort of knowing your partner will be home for dinner every night isn’t there. And when insecurities enter into the equation the imagination-or maybe not the imagination-can start to run wild…….What’s he doing? Is he out at a bar? Are there other women involved? Does he not care about me anymore? Is he cheating? And so it goes.

In your case Patricia it doesn’t sound like he’s doing any of these things. At first he was probably happy to talk with you for hours every day, but trying to sustain that, AND go to work, pay the bills, do the chores, can get to be very difficult. To us, he just sounds like he’s resumed his daily life. That doesn’t mean he’s not into you, but it means that balance has been restored, at least for him. His initial rush of hormones have receded to a more manageable level, and he’s back to taking care of business. Don’t worry, as soon as he sees you, everything will come rushing back. At least we hope!

So here are a few suggestions to help you keep in touch, and have some fun. Try limiting the phone conversations to three long ones per week(1 hour), and then maybe three short ones.(5-10 minutes) That will take some of the pressure off. Get a texting plan. Don’t go crazy. But a few texts sprinkled throughout the day could be fun. Maybe even a few “suggestive” ones to spice things up. (Be aware that it’s easy to keep a record of texts….ala Tiger Woods)

What about a daily email? Or send each other a special gift once a week? Alternate weeks. One week you send him a surprise, and another week he does. Make these little things and not expensive. It’s the thought that counts. Use your imagination. We’re sure you can think of something  creative. (Articles of your clothing-and not one of your jackets!, Something engraved that’s small, movie tickets for when you come visit, etc.) Even an actual written letter is quite romantic and very fun to get! It shows how much you care.

Hang in there Patricia. Women are usually much better at keeping in touch in general, so you might have to do a little more of the prompting. But we just want to throw something out there. We don’t know what your plans are, but after another 2-4 months or so, it’s completely reasonable to ask him where things are going. You can’t have a long distance relationship forever, unless you really like it that way. And the whole goal is to one day be together in the same town, or maybe in the same house, if you love each other!

And one final thought. While you’re apart, you might want to keep yourself busy doing some new things.  A book club. Learn a new language. Take a class. Pick up the guitar. Whatever.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

We work hard to give thoughtful responses to your questions. Support the guys. Consider a donation. Thanks!

Friendships with the opposite sex?

From: One of the Guys

Thank you dear readers for your great feedback and comments on our last post. Although some of you cited examples of pockets of men walking together, the consensus seems to be that men do not in fact walk together much, unless they’re at work. Most of you agreed, it’s not the walking piece that’s uncomfortable, it’s the talking piece that COMES with the walking. Many men just aren’t that comfortable opening up with other men.

But let’s continue this discussion of friendship for a bit and talk about some other types of friendships.

My wife is my best friend. I cherish our relationship. But I also am thankful for my other friendships with men and women. Not having to rely on my wife to provide me with all my emotional support only nurtures our relationship. My friendships actually energize and rejuvenate me, and that positive energy is something I bring to my relationship with my wife and kids. And frankly it’s a lot of pressure to be the “all and everything” for your partner. I think too many women bear that burden.

In previous relationships I would often put friendships on hold for a while. The giddiness of the new relationship was partly to blame, but also my fear that the new person might get jealous if I went out with THE GUYS, or THE GALS. But after a while this just did not sit right with me. I decided that I am who I am, and that includes all my friends.

But having friendships outside our main relationship is a delicate balance for sure. It’s a question of WHY do we have these relationships? And that is often what causes strife in the primary relationship.

Friendships can provide pieces that are missing in a primary relationship, but really they should enhance them or complement them. And since I discussed friendships with GUYS in the last post, I want to focus more on friendships with members of the opposite sex.

For me, my friendships with women provide me with new perspectives. If I have a question about something that’s going on in my life, I love hearing their opinions. I also think that conversations with women are just different. They digress in different ways, and they meander to and fro in more circuitous routes, which I enjoy. But these friendships don’t replace the deep connections I have at home, otherwise that would be a problem. Like I said, this is where people run into trouble.

When I see a man and a woman together, and if they’re relatively the same age, I usually assume they are together in some capacity; I mean romantically. It’s my first gut reaction. So I assume when I’m out with a girlfriend having coffee or lunch that people might think the same thing. And that’s why I rarely have dinner with a girlfriend because I don’t want to give people the wrong impression, especially people I know. Dinner usually connotes romance. That’s why I always tell some of the single GUYS, “Forget coffee, just ask her out to dinner, and that way if she says yes, you both know it’s a date.”  So dinner for me is something I avoid if I’m out with a woman friend. I just would never want to represent my family or wife in a potentially embarrassing way. (Well, sometimes it’s not possible. Just ask her about the last party we went to. But I digress.)

Having friendships outside of a primary relationship is important, but we must be sensitive and aware in order to do this. So for me, my wife knows all my friends. I made a point of introducing her, so she could not only know who I’m hanging out with, but also know these people are not a threat to her at all. In fact, she is now friends with some of these people, which is very nice.

Friendships help me see the world from many different viewpoints. And these deep connections have helped me evolve, and will help me continue to evolve through the stages of my life.

What about you?

Do you have friendships outside of your primary relationship?

How do you feel about friends of the opposite sex? Is it possible?

How do you feel about your partner having friends outside of your relationship? And what about with members of the opposite sex?

Any other thoughts about friendship?

Feel free to answer none, one or all of these questions.

We’ll be discussing this more on upcoming podcasts.

Question/Answer: His Career

Dear Guys,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year. He’s great in all ways except one. He spends a ton of time at his job. I mean more than most. It seems he lives and breathes his job even when he’s not at work. He’s always answering a text or talking business on his cell, even when we’re together on the weekends. He tells me that he can’t afford not to answer his phone. I’m somewhat OK with it now, but I’m concerned for the future. I know he’s trying to get ahead, make money and secure a good future for himself, and hopefully, US. I work too, but I’m able to leave my job and not think about it until I go in the next day. So my question is, how do you see this playing out if we got married and/or had kids? I’m worried.

Chelsea


Dear Chelsea,
No reason to be worried, yet.

This situation is not really that uncommon. Many men define themselves by their work, or by how much money they make. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It is what it is. And sometimes work does require a ton of time, especially if it’s his own business.

What men ultimately want is respect. We especially want respect from our peers. In high school we get respect by being a good athlete or for dating a cute girl. But as we get older, what we do for work becomes a bigger factor on how we define ourselves. So sure, your man is trying to get ahead and make some money, but his work obviously makes him feel important and respected in his community of peers.

So here’s what we’ll say. Try to be understanding of what he’s trying to do. It sounds like he’s putting in a lot of time now in hopes that it will pay off later. Be patient and supportive. However, you can absolutely ask that he not answer his phone during dates or the time he’s out with you. Lounging at home is one thing, but out on a dinner date, or any date with you, his phone needs to be off and tucked away. (Unless you discuss and agree on something different before the date.)

Projecting into the future is difficult. His behavior could continue forever. If he’s not someone who can appreciate the here and now, you may be getting what you’re seeing. This wouldn’t be good. But lots can change, especially if you have kids. People change and priorities change. If he wants to be a dad, he’ll want to spend more quality time with his family.

So factor in the whole picture and see if it works for you. That’s ultimately the only way you should make the decision. But before you do, please talk to him about your concerns. Sometimes guys are oblivious. He may have no idea you’re feeling how you’re feeling. It’s time to stop being the good girlfriend and make sure  the relationship is working for you too.

He’ll respect you even more if you sit him down and talk to him “man to man.”

All the best,

THE GUYS

For relationship questions, or any question concerning males, email us at:
advice@theguysperspective.com